Amazon Women on the Moon (1987) Movie Script
1
[ Brake Sets ]
[ Humming ]
- [ Rings ]
- Hello?
No. You got
the wrong number.
Yeah, but ain't no
Thelma here, man.
[ Lounge ]
[ Blows Nose ]
[ Muttering ]
- [ Garbage Disposal Grinds ]
- [ Grunts ]
[ Choking, Whimpering ]
[ Whimpering, Screams ]
- [ Disposal Stops ]
- [ Gasping ]
[ Water Running ]
[ Water Shuts Off ]
-Jesus!
- [ Phone Rings ]
- [ Continues Ringing ]
- I'm comin'!
What? Man, there ain't
no Thelma here!
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
- [ Electricity Crackling ]
- [ Screeches ]
[ Panting ]
God.
[ TVSizzling ]
[ Creaking ]
[ Loud Crash ]
[ Phone Rings ]
[ Continues Ringing ]
- [ Ringing Stops ]
- [ Shouting ] What?
Ain't no fuckin' Thelma
here, man!
Look, the bitch don't
live here! Fuck you too!
[ Screams ]
Shit! Fuck!
[ Grunts, Screams ]
[ Screaming ]
Hello. I'm Dr Warren G. Easterbrook...
Chairman of the President's
Commission on Education...
and I would like to talk to you
about an ever-growing problem--
the short attention span
of today's youth.
Weaned as they are on television,
young people today...
can't seem to pay attention
for more than a few mo--
[ Man ] Pethouse Video presents
an in-depth...
up close and personal look...
at Pethouse Plaything
Taryn Steele.
[ Woman Narrating ]
Oh, so many neat things
have happened to me in my life--
being named homecoming queen,
making the cheerleading squad.
But the neatest thing ever was
when I was recently chosen...
the Pethouse Plaything
of the Month.
But being a Plaything
hasn't changed me.
I'm still the same Taryn.
When I was first chosen,
I was, like, really immature.
But I've grown so much
since then.
I can hardly believe it's me.
I'm a beach person
and a night person.
I really feel sorry for anyone
who doesn't live in California...
'cause we've got it all--
the mountains, the sun.
And, like, there's no humidity.
It really blows me away.
Here, out of the public eye,
I can just fade into the crowd.
In New York, I get hassled all the time.
I don't understand it.
Laguna offers me
peace and solitude...
away from the pressure
of being a Plaything.
Here in Laguna,
I can just let my mind go blank.
Art is my life.
I love to browse
Laguna's art galleries...
and my dream is to one day...
have some of my things
hanging here.
But my real strength
comes from my family...
and my strong
religious upbringing.
I'll always be grateful to my mom and
dad and the values they've given me...
which help me take on
the awesome responsibilities...
of Plaything of the Month.
Selma, look at this reception.
- [ Click ]
- Beaver, did you bring home
a note from your teacher today?
Oh, no, Dad. That's one of your jokes
I haven't heard before.
- [ Woman ] Record
warm temperatures tomorrow.
- Unbelievable!
Best investment I ever made.
[ Kiss ]
[ Weathercaster Continues, Indistinct ]
[ Sighs ]
You haven't been out
of this house in two weeks.
Lows will warm up
just a bit.
What the hell has happened
to my remote?
Sunny skies
for the remainder of the day.
Murray?
Embedded in those clouds.
And here in the southern--
Excuse me, sir.
We're on the air.
Selma!
Get me out of here!
I must've pressed
the wrong button.
Murray, what are you
doing on the weather?
I don't know. Press something.
Bring me back!
Here!
[ Man ] Swung on,
and it's a high fly ball to centre field.
- Wait a minute! There's a fan on the field!
-[ Crowd Booing ]
Make me wanna stay
If this is it
- Doo wah
- Now I'm trapped in a rock video!
Anything but this!
If this ain't love
you better let me go
- If this is it
- Doo wah
Selma! Help me!
- If this ain't love, baby
- Wait. Wait.
- Selma!
- I'm looking for the booklet.
- [ Ominous ]
- Oh, no. I'm in black and white.
Where am I?
- [ Growling ]
- Selma!
[ Murray ]
Help!
Selma!
Selma!
This is what you get
for throwing out the directions.
Help! Help me!
- [ Mellow Jazz ]
- [ Gasps ]
Here you can leave me
for the night.
You should be so lucky.
- Yech!
- [ Twittering ]
- [ Chuckling ]
- Where am I?
You're on
the Disney Channel.
At least I know you won't
catch anything there.
- Fun is fun, Selma,
but I want to come home.
- [ Chuckling ] I'm trying.
[ Man ] 500 million people
are watching via satellite...
as the president and first lady deplane
for this historic Moscow visit.
They look fit and rested.
Wait a minute.
An unidentified man
has emerged from Air Force One.
He seems, believe it or not,
to be clad only in his underwear.
- The Secret Service have grabbed him.
- Where am I? I'm innocent!
- But who is he
and how did he get on board?
- I was only watching television!
- He appears to be deranged.
- Help! Selma!
[ Man ]
I'm so proud of you, Brenda...
getting through the delivery
without any anaesthetic.
Well, I had the best
Lamaze coach in the world.
When do we get to see the baby?
It's been eight hours.
Well, you remember the film
they showed us in class.
There's all kinds of tests
they have to perform on a newborn child.
- So--
- That's true.
Ah!
There's my favourite couple.
- Mr and Mrs Flanders.
- That's Landers.
Right, right. Flanders
is uraemic poisoning on 39.
- So.
- Um--
Nice stitch work,
if I say so myself.
Doctor, we'd like to see our son.
The nurses keep giving us the runaround.
I'd like nothing better
than to bring you both your son...
but have you looked around
this hospital?
There are sick people here.
I just saw this old guy in the hallway
with these gnarly scabs all over his body.
Gross me out!
[ Gags, Shudders ]
-I'm not about to expose your little Jeffrey...
-Nicholas.
to that.
- I've got a solemn oath to uphold here.
- Doctor...
Brenda and I are both
Lamaze graduates...
and we've never heard of quarantining
a healthy infant before.
Ooh, Lamaze.
Well, I forgot that you spent
three whole weekends sitting on a floor...
learning how to breathe.
I had to get by on a degree
from Harvard Medical School!
Please, it's important to us to see our child.
You've heard of bonding.
- Uh--
- Doctor.
We'd like to spend a little quality time
with our son, please.
A little quality time with your son?
That would be beautiful.
You people.
[ Scoffs ]
- What's with that guy?
- [ Woman On P.A. ]
Mrs Fernandez, front desk.
He's supposed to be
the top man in his field.
Well, when he brings in little Jeffrey,
we're going--
- Nicholas!
- [ Doctor ] Here we go.
- Here's the little tyke.
- [ Both ] Oh!
- Okay, that's enough germs.
- Wait! Wait a minute.
- We haven't even seen him yet.
- Go ahead, breathe all over him.
I don't care.
What is this, some kind
of sick practical joke?
What are you talking about?
He's got your eyes.
Take that hideous thing away.
Come on. They all
look like this at first.
You see, when the baby passes through
the birth canal, its head gets a little pointy.
He should round out
in a couple days. Promise.
That's not a baby.
That's a Mr Potato Head.
Harry, call
the hospital administrator.
Hey! You're right.
This is a Mr Potato Head.
Gosh, they're so lifelike.
Anybody could've made
this mistake.
I'll be right back
with the real Nicholas.
- Harry, what are they doing to us?
- Calm down, Brenda. Calm down.
We don't want you to get
post-partum anxiety.
Now, as soon as we get our son,
I'm going to report this quack.
Thank God you took that
assertiveness training course.
Yeah.
Here's the little tyke.
[ Chuckling ]
- You've been a naughty little baby.
Yes, you have.
- [ Sighs ]
- Playing peekaboo
with Mommy and Daddy.
- About time. Nick, it's your dad.
He's got a strong, determined jaw
just like his old man there.
[ Imitates Baby Cooing
And Crying ]
Whoops.
[ Imitates Baby Crying ]
- Great. Now you made him cry.
- I don't believe this.
[ Continues Imitating
Baby Crying ]
Is this okay?
Would you rather breastfeed him?
- Get away from me!
- I'm gonna kill you!
[ Gasps ]
What kind of hospital is this?
All right,
Mr and Mrs Lamaze!
You see, due to a slight clerical error,
your son has been temporarily misplaced.
- You lost our son?
- Did I say lost? I said misplaced!
I'm suing you for-- for malpractice,
negligence-- you name it!
Just jump all over me! What about
the nine kids I didn't lose this week?
My baby! What have they
done with my baby?
It was your fault. If you hadn't
distracted me with that video equipment
in the delivery room...
I might not have misplaced
your little brat!
- Doctor. We found him.
- See?
- He was down the hall
in the laundry hamper.
- [ Both ] Oh!
Oh, he's beautiful.
I hope you're both
ashamed of yourselves.
All this hysteria when he was safe
and sound not 20 feet from this room.
Doctor, you're due in surgery
for that kidney transplant.
Where's the donor organ?
The donor organ?
God, I had it with me
when I left the house this morning.
[ Man ] Good morning and welcome
to Movies Till Sunrise.
Our feature presentation
is the 1 954 science fiction classic...
Amazon Women on the Moon...
starring Laird Granger
and Greta Van Zandt...
complete and uncut, with no
commercial interruptions.
This used to be me.
Old before my years,
ignored by women...
passed over for promotions.
But now all that has changed.
Hi. I'm Sy Swerdlow...
and I invented the patented process
known as ''hair looming.''
If you suffer from premature hair loss,
let our team of technicians...
visit you in the privacy
of your home...
so there will be
no embarrassment.
You choose from our selection...
of over 200 colours and styles.
Then your head
will be carpeted...
- with 1 00% pure acrylic fibre,
- [ Whirring ]
- completely natural-looking.
- [ Tacking ]
You can sleep in it.
You can shower in it.
[ Vacuuming ]
It changed my life...
and it'll change yours.
Call toll free--
1-800-GET-HAIR.
[ Radio Static ]
- Well, men, I've been studying
this map of the lunar surface...
- [ Monkey Chattering ]
and I've chosen the dark side
as our landing site.
- So, don't forget your space beams.
- Roger, Steve.
Just think, Loony, in less than an hour,
we're gonna be on the moon.
The first thing I'm gonna do
is carve me off a hunk of that green cheese.
Now, Butch, you know one of
the purposes of this mission...
is to dispel
some of those myths.
Steve, I've got the president
on the electro-scan.
- Whillikers!
- [ Beep ]
[ Man ]
Come in, men of Moon Rocket One.
This is the president of the United States
calling from planet Earth.
We read you, Mr President.
This is Steve Nelson,
commander, Moon Rocket One.
Commander Nelson,
this is a proud day for all Americans...
and this year of 1 980
will be remembered as the year...
an American
first set foot on the moon.
The governors
of all 48 states join me...
in wishing Godspeed
to you...
and your hand-picked team
of scientists.
That's us, Loony.
Thank you, Mr President.
We're proud to serve our country.
Over and out.
Blackie, neutralize
the electro-scan.
- [ Click ]
- Electro-scan neutralized, sir.
There she is,
dead ahead!
It's awesome, isn't it?
[ Blackie ] I've got big plans
for that piece of real estate.
I'm going to sell
advertising space on that.
Just picture this--
the world's biggest billboard.
We'll make a bundle.
Hold your horses, Blackie.
This voyage is for
the betterment of mankind.
[ Voice Distorts ]
Let's not any of us forget that.
[ Distorted ]
Sure, chief.
There goes my lunch.
[ Groans ]
It's right up there
with my stomach.
[ Chuckling ]
Prepare for moon landing.
- Initiate rotation system.
- Rotation initiated.
Reverse retros.
Retros reversed.
Steve, we're losing pressure
in the atom chamber.
If it drops any more,
we're goners.
[ Alarm Sounding ]
Quick, Blackie,
switch to the emergency--
Tie a yellow ribbon
round the old oak tree
It's been
three long years
Do ya still want me
If I don't see a ribbon
round the old oak tree
I'll stay on the bus
forget about us
Put the blame on me
Did you know
that every seven minutes...
a black person is born
in this country without soul?
Hello, I'm B.B. King.
Won't you help Don Simmons
and the thousands of others...
that suffer from
this tragic disorder?
Its cruel symptoms can strike anyone.
Let's take a look.
I think the Republican Party has done
one heck of a job. Don't you,June?
I'll say, Ward. We Republicans
have turned this country around.
[ Both Chuckling ]
- [ Siren Wails ]
- Safety and good mileage
are the two things...
I looked for
in a new car.
That's why I bought
a Volvo station wagon.
Hi. I'm president of the David Hartman
Fan Club here in Glendale.
I've even met David Hartman once.
What a neat guy.
Chim-chimeny, chim-chimeny
chim-chim cheree
A sweep is as lucky
as lucky can be
Chim-chimeny, chim-chimeny
chim-chim cheroo
Good luck will rub off
when I shake hands with you
This is B.B. King saying
won't you please give...
so that Don Simmons here
and so many others...
can become useful members
of society.
Or blow me a kiss
and that's lucky too
Write to--
Thank you.
Be right there.
- Karen?
- Hi.
- Hi. I'm Jerry Stone.
- Hi,Jerry. Nice meeting you.
- I'm sorry. I'm running a little bit late.
- Don't worry about it.
- You look nice.
- Thank you.
- This is a great apartment.
- Thanks.
[ Sprays ]
Uh, I hope you like sushi.
I made reservations
at Tokyo Rose on Columbus.
Great.
I hear it's terrific.
Normally there's a waiting list,
but I know the maitre d;
You know,
I gotta tell you...
I never go on blind dates,
but, uh...
I just have a feeling
that this might be special.
Jerry? Before we leave,
do me one small favour, will you?
Sure. What?
Would you mind showing me a credit card
and a valid driver's licence?
- You're kidding. Why?
- I'd like to run
a ''couple compatibility'' check.
What the heck is that?
You know,Jerry,
it's tough being a single girl in the big city.
You meet all kinds
of phoneys and creeps.
That's why this machine
comes in handy.
I just enter your I.D.,
and the central computer
will tell me about your background.
[ Chuckles ] I don't want a bank loan.
I just want to take you out.
I know, but I'd feel better running a check.
Two I.D.'s, please.
You're serious.
- [ Machine Beeps ]
- It'll just take a minute.
- This is ridiculous, but, uh--
- [ Punching Number Pad ]
- Here's, uh--
- Three-one-six.
- That's a cute picture. [ Chuckles ]
- MasterCard.
I don't know how I ever got along
without one of these.
Changed my life.
Feel the same way
about my VCR.
Ooh. Right now I'm taping
Sophie's Choice with Meryl Streep.
- I love Meryl Streep.
- Oh, I am so into her.
[ Sighs ]
- [ Printer Buzzing ]
- Here it comes now.
- [ Laughs ]
- [ Bell Dings ]
- All that about me? Geez.
- They are very thorough.
- [ Giggles ] This is great!
- What? What?
- Oh.
- What do you got there?
- Uh-oh. [ Sighs ]
- Uh-oh? What's-- What's uh-oh?
Jerry...
does the name Debbie Rothenberg
mean anything to you?
Uh-- Debbie Rothenberg.
Uh--
Oh, yeah.
I think I went out with her once or twice.
You had sex with her on the second date,
and then you never called her again.
- I hate when guys do that.
- It says all that?
[ Scoffs ] Does the phrase
''You're not only beautiful...
but you're someone I feel I can open up to''
mean anything to you?
[ Chuckles ]
I'm not surprised.
You've used that line on your last 1 6 dates.
Look, this is ridiculous.
Debbie-- Uh, Karen,
I think...
that we have something
very special here.
- You're not like the other women you--
- ''You meet in the city.''
See what I mean?
And,Jerry...
I could never get serious
about someone who's selfish in bed.
- ''Who's selfish in bed''?
- Well, how would you describe a man...
who satisfies his own needs
and rolls over and goes to sleep?
- I never did that in my life!
- Eleven times!
- You want names and dates?
- No. No, I do not! Look, hey, hold it.
Anyway, that is just a small fraction
of the hundreds of times...
I've been intimate
with women.
We're exaggerating a little,
aren't we,Jerry?
The record only shows
2 1 sexual intimacies.
- There you are.
- This doesn't jibe with my figures.
Okay, sweetie?
Jerry, the statistics don't paint
the picture of a mature man.
Twelve times, you ignored
your date at a party...
to flirt with
a more attractive woman.
1 69 times, you feigned interest when
a woman was talking about her career.
On 1 7 occasions,
you lied to women...
telling them you were really into sushi
and Meryl Streep movies.
Make that 1 8 times.
Wh-Wh-Where do they
get these figures?
As you can see,
Jerry...
it would be pointless
for you and I to go out.
Oh, yeah?
Well, I'm gonna get one of those machines
and see how well you come off!
- Okay?
- Goodnight,Jerry.
It's early yet.
Maybe you can still get lucky in a bar.
Like you did
last Thursday.
Hello, Beverly?
- [ Woman ] Yeah?
- Hi.
This is Jerry Stone.
We met the other night at Dave's party.
- Oh. Hi.
- Hi.
Listen, I know
it's last minute...
but I wanna ask you,
are you free tonight?
Uh, yeah.
You are. Great.
Listen, I can pick you up
in 1 0 minutes.
[ Chuckles ]
Sure, okay.
- Oh,Jerry, um--
- Yeah?
Could you bring a major credit card
and a valid driver's licence?
Jerry?
[ Man ] Extraterrestrials.
Strange phenomena.
Missing persons.
Lost continents.
Myths and monsters.
We examine these mysteries
to determine...
are they bullshit or not?
London's West End.
Here, in the winter of 1 888...
a series of bizarre
and violent murders occurred...
which remain unsolved
to this very day.
Jack the Ripper.
Was he a prosperous
London surgeon?
Perhaps a member
of British royalty.
Well, our Bullshit team
has unearthed...
spectacular new evidence
which suggests...
that Jack the Ripper
was, in fact...
the Loch Ness monster.
Is it possible
that Nessie...
murdered five streetwalkers
before returning to Loch Ness?
Using undiscovered evidence...
we've pieced together the events
leading up to the first murder.
Although this is
a Bullshit re-enactment...
it may have happened
just this way.
Hello, dearie. Show you
a good time for a quid.
Throw the wife in for free.
Oh, gents.
Don't you want a girl
to keep you warm tonight?
[ Sighs ] Me mum told me
there would be nights like this.
- [ Murmuring ]
- Oh, my!
You are a big one,
now, aren't you?
Come on, darlin'.
[ Chortling ]
[ Wheels Squeaking ]
Mind you, don't you be
steppin' on my feet now.
- [ Murmuring ]
- Ooh!
Aren't you in an hurry!
Now, will you be careful.
Not so rough, da--
Wait a min--
[ Screaming ]
Is this the way
it happened?
Was Jack the Ripper, in fact,
a 60-foot sea serpent from Scotland?
Did I take this job
for a quick buck?
We may never know the answers
to these questions. Next week--
Come on.
[ Man ] To recap the three movies
that we reviewed this week...
here on Critics Corner...
Marc and I both gave
a big thumbs up...
- to the new Swedish film
directed by, uh--
- Olaf Svensen.
Olaf Svensen, called
The Winter of My Despondency.
- Haunting abstract symbolism.
- It's arty crap.
- Jonathan and I did split, however...
- [ Yawns ]
on the newest
teenage romp called Frat Slobs.
Jonathan, I think,
thought it to be...
a light,
frothy souffle...
- sizzling with youthful energy.
- That I did.
On the other hand,
I thought it was pond scum.
You're an albino.
What the hell do you know?
We have a new feature
we'd like to introduce on Critics Corner...
we hope you'll enjoy.
We call it ''Real Life Reviews''...
in which we critique the life
of an average person just like you.
Jonathan will begin with a review
of the life of Harvey Putnik.
- [ Jonathan ] No. Pitnik.
- Pitnik, of Skokie, Indiana.
- Illinois.
- Illinois.
- Harvey Pitnik of Skokie, Illinois.
- Bernice. Bernice, come here.
They're talking about me
on the television.
- What?
- Come here.
- Harvey Pitnik would seem
to have all the ingredients...
- [ Bernice, Harvey Laugh ]
- for a successful life.
- You'd think so.
- So why does he fail so miserably?
- I don't know.
I think the problem
is with Harvey himself.
- What the hell is this?
- You're right. It is Harvey.
Very good,Jonathan.
It is Harvey.
So, we're supposed to care
about this Harvey Pitnik?
Why? I mean, it takes him 30 years
to develop any character at all...
and by the time he does,
who cares?
- They're crucifying me.
- It's hardly worth the wait.
- He didn't like Gandhi either.
- Let me show you.
Here's a scene from last year
as Harvey is coming home from work.
[ Groans, Sighs ]
- Oh. Hi, Scraps.
- [ Low Growl ]
- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, kids.
- [ Harvey ] How did they do this?
- Hi, honey.
Hi, dear.
Ooh. Potatoes.
I didn't cons--
I didn't consent for this to be on TV.
- Dinner'll be ready in five minutes.
- Okay.
[ Sighs ]
- Some exciting home life, huh?
- And it goes on like that...
tediously,
day in and day out.
- Where's the love?
- Where's the passion?
Where's the examination
of one's own existence?
This is a poor excuse
for a life.
I give Harvey Pitnik
a-- a big thumbs down.
- [ Harvey ] Thumbs down?
- I give him a thumbs down too.
But I didn't hate Harvey
quite as much as you, Jonathan.
Oh, granted, his life was
a miserable waste of time...
but I rather enjoyed
the Kafkaesque touches.
Here's a loser trapped
in a dead-end job...
and a--
a loveless marriage.
- How do they know that?
- [ Marc ] Couldn't they have done
anything to make this man human?
Think of the money it took
to bring him into the world.
- A ton!
- To feed him and to clothe him
and then to educate him.
And after all that,
what have you got?
- You've got a big bore!
- A dull clod!
An empty suit.
And another thing...
I was always one step ahead
of this guy's life.
- There just were no surprises!
- No. Wait a minute.
What about the ending of his life?
That came as a surprise.
- Ending?
- I saw that coming a mile away!
- I didn't.
- What ending?
- The high blood pressure.
The lack of exercise.
- True. Uh-huh.
- The bad diet.
- Of course.
By the time he finally has his heart attack
in front of the TV, big deal!
- Heart attack? Heart attack?
- [ Marc ] It's such a mundane way to go.
What are they talking about?
A heart attack? I didn't have a-- [ Groans ]
[ Marc ]
Wouldn't it have been more dramatic if,
say, he'd fallen down an elevator shaft?
- He should've died years earlier.
- Maybe in a submarine accident.
- [ Bernice ] Harvey? Oh, my God!
- Possibly a giant squid.
- Something to add
a little science fiction to it.
- I'm calling an ambulance.
- I'm calling an ambulance!
- A tragic waste, but who cares?
Oh, I see our time is up.
We want to thank you very much...
for joining us
on Critics Corner.
Hope you'll be back next week when we'll
have an aisle seat reserved just for you.
- Bye-bye.
- [ Organ: Perky Theme ]
There's so many things he could've done.
He could've had a better haircut.
[ Man ] We now return to the 1 95 7 film...
Amazon Women on the Moon...
starring Bill Thomas and Buzzy Clark.
There will be no further interruptions.
Well, here we are
on the moon.
[ Butch ]
This place gives me the willies.
Think we'll run into
any moon men?
Not intelligent life
as you and I know it, Butch.
If there are any Martians,
I'll bet they speak the universal language--
do-re-mi!
You remember the space oath
you took at the academy, Blackie?
''I will not exploit other worlds
for personal gain.''
Look at that.
Follow me, men.
Keep your eyes open.
[ Murray ]
Selma!
- [ Loony Chattering ]
- Hey, dig that crazy full moon.
That's a full Earth, Butch.
Remember where we are.
Zowie!
This is only a hunch,
but--
Steve! What are you doing?
You're committing suicide!
[ Inhales Deeply ]
Just as I thought.
The moon has an atmosphere
similar to Earth's.
Take off your helmets, boys.
- [ Inhales ]
- [ Laughing ]
Good old HO.
Steve, fill me in.
How'd you figure it out?
Seems like Loony
figured it out first.
- [ Chittering ]
- [ All Chuckling ]
That's my Loony,
a regular Einstein.
[ All Chuckling ]
- Look!
- [ Roaring ]
- [ Yawns ]
- [ Announcer ]
Are your parties dull and boring?
- [ Sighs ]
- Well, why not liven them up...
with the snack food
that's sweeping America.
Mmm! Say, Mike, this is some great pate.
It has such a unique flavour.
It's more than just
an ordinary pate, Bill. Watch.
- [ Boing ]
- [ People ] Whoa!
What the-- You know,
I never saw an appetizer do that before.
Well, you never tried
Silly Pate before!
Not only is it fun at parties,
it's low in saturated fats.
And look.
- It picks up your favourite comic strip!
- [ Gasping ]
I'm eating Doonesbury.
And I'm eating
Beetle Bailey.
- [ All Laughing ]
- [ Announcer ] You'll never have
a dull, lifeless party again...
with Silly Pate.
[ Boing ]
Available in all fine gourmet
shops and toy stores everywhere.
- [ Organ ]
- [ Woman Crying ]
- [ Sobbing ]
- It's time, Mrs Pitnik.
Do I have to?
Yeah. We need the room again at 4.00.
[ Clears Throat ]
Come on.
I-Is Har-Harvey here?
- Yeah. He's in repose. He looks great.
- Oh!
Okay, let's move along.
That's right.
Just relax, Mrs Pitnik. You're young.
You'll-- You'll meet someone.
- [ Sobs ]
- Send the kids to camp.
That's what I would do.
Okay, family up front,
on the left.
- Well, I guess that's it.
- [ Chattering ]
[ Chattering ]
Everything's taken care of. Everything.
And the buffet?
To die.
- Hey, Scooter. Cute stuff.
- [ Sniffling, Crying ]
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is a wake.
- So let's have fun with it, huh?
Everybody, have a great time.
- [ Organ Stops ]
[ Uptempo ]
[ Man On P.A. ]
Welcome to the O'Leary Funeral Home...
where many of the nation's
top comedians have gathered
to roast our guest of honour...
the late Harvey Pitnik!
Please welcome...
Rip Taylor!
- [ Singing Gibberish ]
- [ Applause ]
- Slappy White!
- [ No Audible Dialogue ]
Jackie Vernon!
- Henny Youngman!
- [ No Audible Dialogue ]
Charlie Callas!
And our roast master--
Mr Steve Allen!
[ People Gasping ]
[ Crescendoes, Stops ]
And here he is,
our man of the hour--
- [ Drum Roll ]
- Mr Harvey Pitnik!
- [ Sobbing ] There's Harvey!
- [''Funeral March'']
[Jokey Segue, Stops ]
- Thank you, ladies and mourners.
- [ Hammy Laughter ]
That's all right, Harvey.
Don't get up.
- [ Laughter Continues ]
- [ Loud Sob ]
Anyway, be that as it may--
and I doubt if it was--
tonight we are here to pay tribute
to a close, personal friend...
Harvey Pupik-- I'm sorry.
Uh, Pitnik. Harvey Pitnik.
Harvey was a man, my friends,
who was the same in life...
- as he is in death-- a stiff!
- [ Mourners Laughing ]
But all seriousness aside,
we are going to lay two things to rest--
Harvey Pitnik and the rumour
that Charlie Callas is funny.
- [ Laughter ]
- Ladies and gentlemen, a very
funny man, Charlie Callas.
- [Jazzy ]
- [ Applause ]
Thank you.
Thank you.
- [ Ends ]
- Thank you. Harvey, keep it down!
- [ Nonsense Noises ]
- [ Laughter ]
Today, ladies and gentlemen,
we're here to pay homage
to the late Harvey Potemkin--
- Peshtabil-- Poshbulv-- whatever.
- [ Chuckling ]
- Who cares? Does it matter now?
- [ Allen ] No, no.
And if Harvey were alive today,
he'd be a very sick man. [ Giggles ]
- [ Imitates Taxicab Horn ]
- [ Laughter ]
[Jazzy ]
We had-- I'm sorry
to make this announcement.
We had two disappointments tonight--
Milton Berle could not make it
and Rip Taylor could. [ Laughs ]
- Ladies and gentlemen, Rip Taylor.
- All right.
- [ Fast ]
- [ Applause ]
- [ Applause Continues ]
- [ Ends ]
- Thank you so much. Thank you so much.
- [ Applause Fades ]
Thank you.
Thank you so much, Steve.
Charlie said, ''Harvey, keep it down.''
Thank you.
- Oh, well, there goes that act.
- [ Laughing ]
The president couldn't be here,
Harvey, so he sent a wire.
- [ Cackles ]
- [ Laughter ]
Tell 'em. It's a--
Never mind.
What's this, an audience or a funeral?
Now, pay attention, please.
But I'm a little nervous because
Harvey was a personal friend of mine...
and there's not a person in this room
that Harvey Pitnik did not touch.
I must say, he touched me for 40 bucks
and Steve for 20. [ Cackles ]
Folks, I don't dance.
This is it, you see.
[ Laughing ]
But I do feel for his widow, Bernice.
That was a romantic marriage.
She learned everything about sex
from a manual.
Emanuel was their gardener.
[ Cackles ]
- [ Crowd Laughing ]
- [ Laughing ] I'm sorry.
I better wrap it up now, folks.
'Cause you know the old axiom
in show business-- ''get off quick.''
Like Harvey
on his wedding night.
- Could you die? I gotta go.
Goodbye. Thank you so much.
- [ Fanfare ]
Thank you, folks. I'm thrilled
to be here tonight to pay tribute...
to the late Harvey Pitnik.
But enough about Harvey.
[ Mourners, Panellists Laughing ]
- Take my wife. Please.
- [ Continue Laughing ]
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.
Why do Jewish guys die before their wives?
They want to.
[ Laughter, Scattered Applause ]
And that's what
I think of you, Harvey.
- [ Laughter, Applause ]
- [Jazzy Fanfare ]
-Thank you, Henny Youngman, for that trip
down memory lane. And now--
-[ Laughing ]
- [ Rimshot ]
- [ Laughing ]
But seriously. Henny, you were
never funnier... and it's a shame.
- [Jazzy Fanfare ]
- [ White ] But I was asked to say
a couple of words about Harvey.
How about ''ugly'' and ''cheap''?
Harvey wrote his will
on his cock...
and his lawyer said it would
not stand up in court.
- [ Laughter, Pounding On Table ]
- [ No Audible Dialogue ]
- Okay, Mrs Pitnik. You're on.
- What?
- You're on.
- Oh, no. Oh, no. I really can't--
- You're the widow. You've got
to give Harvey's rebuttal.
- No, no, I can't go up there.
- I can't do this.
- But in conclusion, I'd like to
say, congratulations, Harvey.
Rigor mortis is the closest
you ever come to a hard-on in 1 5 years.
- I thank you.
- [ Applause, Whistling ]
[ Band Imitating Laughter ]
Harvey himself is gonna
throw in his two cents...
as soon as we take 'em
off his eyelids.
[ Laughing ]
I don't get it. I don't get it.
And now, for the rebuttal on behalf of our
guest of honour, his lovely widow, Bernice.
And nothing's changed, Harvey.
She's still gonna be doing all the talking.
[ Laughs ]
Bernice Pitnik!
- [ Applause ]
- [Jazz ]
[ Continues ]
- Lovely woman.
- [ Ends ]
- [ Sighs ]
- [ Applause Fades ]
Thank you, Merv--
I mean, Steve.
- That's quite all right.
- [ Clears Throat, Swallows ]
Now, well, I would like
to inject a serious note...
as, uh, Henny Youngman
did earlier.
[ Scattered Laughter ]
I want to say to...
Harvey, my late husband...
as I look down at you...
lying there motionless...
I can only think
of one thing--
- our wedding night.
- [ Laughter ]
- [ Sighs ]
- [ Laughter Continues, Fades ]
[ Chuckles ]
I'll never forget my--
my last moments with...
Harvey...
- [ Laughter ]
- as I-- as I took him into my arms...
and I whispered those
three little words:
- ''Sign the will.''
- [ Rimshot ]
- [ Laughter ]
- [ Laughs ]
- [ Laughing ] Great.
- But seriously...
I'm glad to see
Slappy White here today.
Now at least I know
my hubcaps are safe.
[ Laughs ]
And Rip Taylor,
is that a toupee...
or did a beaver curl up
and die on your head?
- [ Laughing ]
- [Jazz ]
As I look at Henny Youngman today, I'm
not so sure we're burying the right guy.
- [ Laughter, Applause ]
- [ Ends ]
- [ Piano, Slow ]
- [ Announcer ] At last...
the greatest album
of love songs ever recorded.
You'll want to share them
with someone special.
Why do birds suddenly appear
Sung by the man who turned a personal
affliction into a recording career...
Don ''No Soul''Simmons.
Just like me
They long to be
Close to you
- Why do stars
- [ Band Begins ]
Fall down from the sky
Every time
You walk by
Just like me
They long to be
Close to you
- She'd been sitting there
-[ Announcer ] So curl up by the fireside...
and listen to the non-threatening music
of this master showman.
[ Simmons ]
And, honey, I miss you
And I'm being good
And I'd love to be with you
If only I could
Say, has anybody seen
My sweet Gypsy Rose
Here's her picture
when she was
- My sweet Mary Jo
- [ Announcer ] Young lovers of any age...
will cherish
this timeless collection...
of the world's
most romantic ballads.
And if you act now,
you'll get free...
this bonus album.:
Don Simmons Down & Funky.
[ Electric Keyboard ]
- [ Band Begins ]
- Jeremiah was a bullfrog
He was a good friend of mine
I never understood
a single word he said
[ Announcer ] This two-record collection
is not available in any stores...
so order now.
[ Simmons ] Yes, he always had
some mighty fine wine
By thunder!
She's a lovely sight, lads!
- [ Men Chatter, Laugh ]
- And you can bet your miserable lives...
the cargo hold is filled
with precious booty.
- Let's take her, Cap'n.
- Aye. Are you game, lads?
[ Men, Together ]
Aye!
Video pirates! Man the guns
and prepare to defend borders.
Fire!
Cutlasses,
me hearties!
Give them a bellyful
of steel.
Ah. By gum, Captain! All the latest
home videos. In Beta and VHS!
Aye! Some so current,
they're still in theatrical release.
- Help yourself, mates.
A chest full of video discs.
- No!
- What good are they?
- Can't record on 'em.
They're not compatible
with my system.
Captain! This one's locked.
Stand back.
- [ Gunshot ]
- [ Man ] Open 'er up.
Gather around, me buckoes,
and feast your eyes on this.
- [ Men Gasp ]
- Make all the illegal copies you want.
- Put it on.
- Aye, aye, Captain.
- [ Case Snaps Open ]
- [ Tape Loads In VCR ]
[ Shuddering ]
Ohhh, I'm so scared.
[ All Laughing ]
[ Laughing Fades ]
[ Knocking ]
- I said I don't want to be disturbed.
- Griffin, it's me, Trent.
Trent, I've been
waiting for you.
Come in.
Ah, Griffin. I came as soon
as I received your cable.
Good God, man,
what happened?
I've done it, Trent.
At long last, I've done it.
I finally duplicated my father's
formula for invisibility...
after five years of injecting myself
with every chemical known to man.
But Griffin, the invisibility formula
turned your father into a raving lunatic.
That's where I've topped
the old man.
I've been on the stuff
for over a week now...
and I'm still perfectly sane.
[ Laughs ]
Yes. I'll rule the world
with my secret.
Yes. And I'll need you, Trent.
I must have a visible partner.
[ Laughs ]
I can tell by your stunned expression
that you're pretty impressed.
[ Chuckles ]
Ah?
[ Gasps ] Ooh.
[ Chuckles ]
- [ False Nose Hitting Desk ]
- Look, Ma...
no hands.
[ Chuckles ]
I haven't come up with a reagent
to make myself visible again.
But what's the rush?
I'm having a ball.
Watch me closely.
Whee!
Ever see a shirt make a phone call?
[ Chuckles ]
Ooh.
Pretty scary, huh?
Ooooh!
Wait till you see this.
- [ Chuckles ]
- Uh, no. Griffin...
- you don't have to go all the way.
- [ Laughing ]
Yes.
[ Laughing ]
Just listen for
the sound of my voice...
and you'll know where I am at all times.
[ Chuckles ]
- Come on. Let's have some laughs!
- Griffin!
- Being invisible is the best! [ Laughing ]
- [ Stride Piano, Distant ]
[ Continues, Louder ]
Hey! Here comes
the invisible man again.
[ Bar Patrons Groaning,
Objecting ]
You, go and get some help.
I'll watch him here.
Whee-ooh!
Whee-ooh!
Oh, my. Now how did that happen?
Must be a ghost in 'ere.
This is unreal.
I'm terribly sorry.
Whee-ooh! Whee-ooh!
[ Imitates Tyres Skidding ]
Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho!
- Wow! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
- [ Policeman's Whistle Tweeting,
Distant ]
- [ Scattered Applause ]
- [ Door Opens ]
- Now, now, now. What's all this?
- Here he is, Officer.
Take it easy with him.
He's not really dangerous.
Come along quietly then, guv.
- You'll have to find me first.
- [ Groans ]
Come along.
Let's cover this one up.
Come on.
Wait. I'm invisible.
Don't touch me there.
- [ Griffin Laughing ]
- [ Wolf Whistle ]
Selma!
[ Man ] We now return to our feature...
starring Greta Van Zandt and Lyle Talbot.
There will be no further interruptions.
This looks like the remains
of some ancient culture.
Steve, I said some things back there
that I shouldn't have.
Anyway, thanks for saving me
from that dinosaur.
- Forget it.
- Hey, would you get a load of this joint?
This throne is still warm.
- [ Theremin Wailing ]
- [ Screeching, Chittering ]
Where are you going?
I forgot somethin'
back on the ship.
- What?
- [ Garbled ] I forgot to stay there.
[ Soundtrack
Skipping, Crackling ]
[ Man ] We are experiencing
technical difficulties. Please stand by.
We are experiencing techn--
I demand that you set us free,
Queen Lara.
We are on an official mission
from the planet Earth.
Ha! ''Planet Earth.''
Is that what you call that pitiful ball
hanging in the sky?
You wouldn't say that if you saw
Jane Russell or the Brooklyn Dodgers.
Silence, swine...
or you will suffer the same fate
as your friend.
I intend to file a protest
in the death of Blackie!
He dared to enter the sacred temple
and steal the precious moonstones.
But feeding him to giant spiders
without the benefit of counsel...
is not the way we do things
in America.
[ Women Laughing ]
Boy, I never thought
I'd be so miserable...
surrounded by
beautiful dames.
Cut the gags, Butch.
We're in enough trouble.
What's she lookin' at?
She acts like she's never seen a man before.
She hasn't.
Have you, Alpha Beta?
No, my queen.
What are men good for?
Well, I'm pretty good
in the back seat of a Studebaker.
Butch!
- Men are useless.
- Back where I come from...
no woman is complete
without a man.
You see,
Commander Nelson...
1 2,000 gamma-spans ago--
- ''Gamma-spans''?
- A moon unit of time...
roughly equivalent
to your Earth year.
Anyway, all men were banished from
the lunar surface because they couldn't--
For 1 31 years...
this great institution
has amassed...
what many consider to be the finest
collection of art anywhere in the world.
And now it can all be yours.
We've lost our lease!
That's right.
Everything must go.
From the old masters of Europe
to the conceptual artists of today's SoHo.
We're talking Rembrandts, Botticellis...
Gauguin, Cezanne, Matisse, Renoir...
and the chairman of the board...
Leonardo da Vinci.
This Egyptian sarcophagus...
from the dynasty of Ramses II,
appraised at $ 1 4 million.
Our price? 1 9.95.
Buy now, and we'll toss in,
free of charge...
the original
Declaration of Independence.
Now you might expect to pay
millions for this document...
that shaped a great nation.
But it's yours free. This fine parchment
will enhance any den or playroom.
And you can have some fun
with your friends...
by adding your own name
along with the original signers.
Remember,
the Cosmopolitan Museum of Art.
Every Van Gogh must go.
Hello, I'm Henry Silva.
Ever since the ocean liner Titanic sunk
on her maiden voyage in 1 91 2...
people have asked,
''How did it happen?''
- [ Man Imitating Ship Whistle ]
- Join me...
- as we dramatically recreate...
- [ Man ] Nearer
- the sinking of
the great ocean liner Titanic.
- My God, to thee
Bullshit or not?
You be the judge, here on this station.
[ Announcer ] From the pen
of America's wealthiest author...
- Irving Sidney, the man who gave us...
- [ Rapping ]
- the best sellers,
Irving Sidney's The Naked Virgin...
- [ Rapping Continues ]
and Irving Sidney's
The Power and the Flesh...
comes Irving Sidney's
sizzling new blockbuster--
Hey, baby.
[ Laughs ]
Long time no see, huh?
- There must be some mistake.
- Come on. Who are ya kiddin'?
It's me.
It's Bert.
Look, I'm in town with
the textile convention...
and I thought maybe we could, uh,
you know, party! [ Laughing ]
- I don't do that any more.
- Oh--
- You better get out of here
before you wake the president.
- [ Snoring ]
[ Announcer ]
When President Harrison Chandler
was married in the White House...
it was the social event
of the decade.
The courageous president...
and his beautiful new bride.
But she possessed a secret
that could shatter her dreams...
and topple a government.
I'll meet you in the Lincoln Room
in five minutes.
[ Announcer ]
She was forced to live a lie...
when her sins
came back to haunt her.
She was
''first lady of the evening. ''
Irving Sidney's 1 st Lady of the Evening.
A Magnet paperback
in easy-to-read type with no big words.
[ Simmons On Radio ]
Birds suddenly appear
- Every time
- [ Sighs ]
Look, Violet, what do you say we go
park out by the lake?
My glands are out of control.
Well, okay, Georgie,
but are you prepared?
I've been preparing myself for 1 7 years.
That's not what I meant.
- Fall down from the sky
- Pull over to that drugstore.
- [ Engine Stops ]
- [ Emergency Brake Sets ]
On the day that you were born
the angels got together
- And decided to create
a dream come true
- Georgie.
So they sprinkled
moon dust in your hair
- And golden starlight
- Make sure you ask for Titans.
Those are the best.
- [ No Audible Dialogue ]
- That is why all the boys
[ Bell Dings ]
Hello, George.
How are ya?
Uh, hi, Mr Gower.
I-I didn't think you worked nights.
My night man took sick.
What can I do for you?
We're having a sale
on shaving cre--
- What am I saying? You're
not old enough to shave yet.
- I've been shaving since March.
- See?
- Hey, I'd better call your mom
right now and thank her...
for the preserves she brought over
to our house--
Not now! I mean--
I-I mean, don't bother.
- I'll give her the message for you.
- [ Hangs Up Phone ]
- I'll bet I know what you want.
- You do?
Sure. I was young once. Liquorice sticks.
They came in
fresh this morning.
- [ Bell Dings ]
- Mr Gower, I'm 1 7 years old.
- [ Bell Dings ]
- Already? Seems like only yesterday...
your mom was in here
buying talc...
to powder your
little bottom.
- [ Chuckles ]
- Heh. Uh...
look--
Never mind. Thanks.
- [ Bell Dings ]
- Follow you
- [ Bell Dings ]
- All around
- Just like me
- [ Sighs ]
- [ Bell Dings ]
- They long to be
Almost forgot
what I came in for.
Tube of toothpaste and a box of--
[ Mumbles ]
Toothpaste and what?
A box of...
[ Quietly ] Titans.
You have to
speak up, George.
Titans! I want a box
of Titan condoms!
- [ Gasps ]
- George!
- And to think you were an altar boy.
- [ Sighs ]
- [ Keys Jangling ]
- [ Door Unlocking ]
You did say ''Titans''?
[ Sighs ]
Oh, only about four times.
- [ Slaps Bill On Counter ]
- Thanks, Mr Gower.
- [ Alarm Ringing ]
- [ Marching Band.:
''Stars And Stripes Forever'']
- [ Continues ]
- [ Laughing ]
[ Crowd Cheering, Chattering ]
[ Gower Laughing ]
- What's goin' on?
- George?
Rupert King, president
of Titan Condoms.
Congratulations, young man. You are
our one-billionth customer. Pictures.
[ Crowd Whistling, Cheering ]
- Thanks, but I really gotta go.
- Not so fast, kid.
- We've been planning this for months.
- It's really not necessary.
Tell me, George, how long have you been
using our fine Titan products?
- Uh, you could say
I never use anything else.
- Great quote.
- Are you getting all of this?
- You're not gonna use my name, are you?
Modesty, I like it. You could give Titans
that wholesome image we're looking for.
Do you know what
you're doing to me?
The entire town's
gonna know about this.
You'll be a household name, George,
just like Bip, our Titan mascot!
- Pictures. Pictures.
- Hi, folks. Hi, George. Hi, everybody.
[ Man ] Hey, George,
will you autograph a box for me?
- [ Crowd, Bip Laughing ]
- Get used to that, George.
- [ No Audible Dialogue ]
- More good news, George.
Even as we speak, your parents
are racing here to join you
in your moment of Titan triumph.
My parents? Are you nuts?
I'm not even supposed to have the car.
Make sure you airbrush out
the kid's acne, okay? George...
as a token of our thanks, we'd like you
to have this lifetime supply of Titans!
- Thank you, Connie.
- All I wanted was one.
[ Crowd, Bip Laughing ]
- Violet!
- George, I can tell...
you're as excited as we are,
as you begin this...
- your year-long reign as our Titan king!
- [ Bip ] Yippee!
[ Crowd Cheering, Applauding ]
[ Cheering, Applause Continue ]
[ Man ] And now the exciting conclusion
of the 1 955 feature...
Amazon Women of the Moon.
There will be no further
commercial interruptions.
Bullshit or not?
Hey, cut the mush,
you two.
- This place is about to blow sky high.
- Yes, look!
Moogla, the mountain demon, is angry.
- Yeah, and that ain't just heartburn.
- We haven't got much time.
- Let's go!
- [ Rumbling In Distance ]
Come on, Loony.
[ Rumbling Continues ]
- There's the rocket. Hurry!
- Come on, Alpha Beta.
When we get back to Earth,
I'm gonna show you Ebbets Field.
Oh, Steve, save yourself.
[ Panting ]
I wouldn't be able
to enjoy Earth without you.
[ Explosion ]
[ Nelson ]
Fasten seat belts.
I think we got about 1 2 seconds
before everything blows. Fire retros.
[ Car Engine Cranking ]
- She won't turn over!
- [ Car Engine Cranking ]
[ Engine Cranks,
Revs And Runs ]
Listen to that sweet music.
[ Screeching, Chittering ]
[ Debris Hitting Floor ]
There goes the only home
I've ever known.
You got a new home now, Lara,
[ Quietly ] with me on Earth.
- What are they doing, Butch?
- Well, it's called smoochin', babe.
Come here. I'll give ya
your first lesson.
[ Hooting ]
[ President ]
Earth to Moon Rocket One.
Earth to Moon Rocket One.
This is the president.
Steve, I hope you have things well in hand.
I'll say.
[ Horns Honking ]
[ TV.: Whooping, Gunfire ]
Psst.
Psst.
Yeah, you. Come here.
- Yeah?
- Saturday night.
- Yeah?
- Ain't got a date.
- What's your name, kid?
- Ray.
Ray?
[ TV.:Soft Rock ]
[ Continues ]
[ Giggles ]
Mmm.
You must be Ray.
I'm Sherrie.
[ Giggles ]
I heard you were
good-looking...
but I had no idea.
Come on in.
As you can see,
I made dinner.
Mmm, but I'm not hungry
just yet... for food.
Do you know what I mean?
Help me with my zipper, Ray?
- [ Zipper Unzipping ]
- [ Moans ] That's so much better.
- [ Dress Hitting Floor ]
- God, you're such a hunk, Ray.
I want you.
And I want you now.
Get over here, Ray.
I'm waiting, Ray.
Take me.
I want you to make wild,
violent love to me.
Oh, yes, Ray.
[ Inhales, Moans ]
Yes.
Oh, you're so good, Ray.
[ Moans ]
Yes.
[ Moaning, Squealing ] Ray!
[ Moaning, Sighing ]
You're the best, Ray.
Yeah, yeah.
[ Moaning ]
Ray, give it to me!
Mmm, that's good, Ray.
Yeah!
[ Panting, Screaming ]
You're the... best, Ray! Yeah!
[ Moans ]
- [ Door Slams ]
- [ Ends ]
- [ Man ] You dirty slut!
- Frankie, what are you doin' here?
- I thought you were outta town!
- That's what I wanted you to think!
-And I expected a little more from you, Ray.
-[ Quietly ] What, of me?
- You think I care about a loser like Ray?
- Loser?
- I did it to hurt you.
- You did it to hurt me?
Well, your cheatin' days
are over, street meat!
- Frankie, what are you doin'
with that gun?
- I'm gonna teach you...
and this little know-nothing wimp
a lesson!
- That's what I'm doin' with the gun.
- No, Frankie!
I love you!
I've always loved you.
- You think I enjoyed going
to bed with a worm like Ray?
- Shut up!
- Worm?
- You're history, Sherrie.
- [ Screams ] No!
- [ Gunshots ]
Satisfied, Ray? Hmm?
Happy now, buddy?
Well, you're gonna have to live
with that guilt for the rest of your life.
And you know what else, Ray?
You're gonna have to live
with this too.
- [ Gunshot ]
- Freeze!
- You have the right to remain silent.
- [ Handcuffs Ratcheting ]
If you give up the right
to remain silent...
anything you say can and will be used
against you in a court of law.
You have the right to speak with
an attorney and have an attorney present
at time of questioning.
- [ Latin, Electric Keyboards ]
- I was at a dance
When she caught my eye
Standing all alone
Looking sad and shy
We began to dance
Swayin' to and fro
whoa, whoa
And soon I knew
I'd never let her go
Blame it on the bossa nova
With its magic spell
Blame it on the bossa nova
That she did so well
Oh, it all began
with just one little dance
But soon it ended up
a big romance
Blame it on the bossa nova
The dance of love
Blame it on the bossa nova
With its magic spell
Blame it on the bossa nova
That she did so well
Oh, it all began
with just one little dance
But soon it ended up
a big romance
Blame it on the bossa nova
- The dance of love
- [ Pauses ]
[ Resumes ]
Is there anybody out there?
Would you please
do me a favour?
Call Crazy Leo's and tell him the TV set
he sold me has a problem.
I'm still under warranty.
Hello? Hello?
[ Crying ]
Help me.
I'll never see Selma.
I'll never get back.
I'll never get back.
I'm finished. I'm finished.
I'll never get back.
- I'm goin' out of my mind.
- [ Ends ]
Mary Brown?
- Yes.
- Sit down, Mary Brown.
Thank you, Doctor.
Mary, I've been going
over your tests.
How did a nice girl
like you...
come to contract
a social disease?
Then my worst fears
are confirmed.
Oh, the shame of it!
- [ Sobbing ]
- Now, now. You are unclean...
but there's always hope.
Tell me how
you went astray.
- Tell me everything.
- [ Wheels Squeaking, Rolling ]
I won a...
beauty contest...
here in Iowa.
I thought I'd try my luck...
in New York.
It wasn't like
Iowa at all.
And then I met
a theatrical agent.
Gosh, that sure is different
than the sarsaparilla we have back home.
Well, we like a little more ''sass''
in our ''parilla.''
Now, Mary I didn't get you up here
to dish out a lot o' hooey.
Oh, that's all right.
I already had lunch.
You see, there's a social side
to this business we call ''show.''
- Now, uh, let me see your gams.
- What?
I was humiliated,
though oddly excited.
Well, he told me
he could spot fresh talent...
- and sent me to see a colleague
of his named Dutch Monahan.
- [ Honky-tonk Piano Playing ]
It turned out to be
a wild party.
Here. Dunk your whiskers
in this, sister.
You guys sure like
your sarsaparilla in this town.
Get her.
Shut your trap,
or I'll bite your ears off.
Keep your hands off me,
ya big palooka.
That was my first exposure
to New York intellectuals.
Gee whiz. My first sophisticated,
New York party.
Which one
is Cole Porter?
When you realized that your body had
been rendered impure...
what did you do?
I made another
foolish blunder.
I married my high school
sweetheart, Ken.
My shameful affliction
was exposed at last...
when Ken began showing symptoms
of the disease.
Goodbye, honey.
I'm going to work.
- Goodbye.
- [ Sighs ]
Ow!
- Ken, what's wrong?
- My eyes.
Had my sinful ways
caught up with me?
Had I inflicted Ken
with my secret shame?
Ken's vision began
to affect his work.
- [ Man Screaming ]
- Mike! Sorry!
Ah, today's
reckless youth...
with your fast roadsters
and your rumble seats.
I want to show you something,
Mary Brown, for your own good.
Take a look at the germs
that have ravaged your system.
- [ Squeaking, Chattering ]
- [ Gasps ]
Come now with me
to the clinic.
[ Creaking, Rumbling ]
- [ Bat Squeaking ]
- [ Moaning, Chattering, Muffled ]
What you are going to see here
is not pleasant.
I didn't realize we had
such specialized clinics here in Iowa.
When science is on the march,
nothing can stand in its way.
[ Moaning, Chattering Continue ]
Who is that pitiful creature?
- [ Laughing ]
- [ Doctor ] Let's call him...
Pete Jones.
Pete's first troubles were
with smoking cigarettes and drinking beer.
- Weren't they, Pete?
- [ Growling ]
Get back!
We don't have any cigarettes!
Sad, isn't it?
- I've seen enough, Doctor!
- I know you have.
But have you?
Resist temptation,
or you may end up...
like Pete...
and Mary...
- and Ken.
- [ Horn Blaring ]
- [ Yelling ]
- [ Tyres Squealing ]
[ Fast, Dance Band
With Noisemakers ]
[ Ends ]
[ Brake Sets ]
[ Humming ]
- [ Rings ]
- Hello?
No. You got
the wrong number.
Yeah, but ain't no
Thelma here, man.
[ Lounge ]
[ Blows Nose ]
[ Muttering ]
- [ Garbage Disposal Grinds ]
- [ Grunts ]
[ Choking, Whimpering ]
[ Whimpering, Screams ]
- [ Disposal Stops ]
- [ Gasping ]
[ Water Running ]
[ Water Shuts Off ]
-Jesus!
- [ Phone Rings ]
- [ Continues Ringing ]
- I'm comin'!
What? Man, there ain't
no Thelma here!
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
- [ Electricity Crackling ]
- [ Screeches ]
[ Panting ]
God.
[ TVSizzling ]
[ Creaking ]
[ Loud Crash ]
[ Phone Rings ]
[ Continues Ringing ]
- [ Ringing Stops ]
- [ Shouting ] What?
Ain't no fuckin' Thelma
here, man!
Look, the bitch don't
live here! Fuck you too!
[ Screams ]
Shit! Fuck!
[ Grunts, Screams ]
[ Screaming ]
Hello. I'm Dr Warren G. Easterbrook...
Chairman of the President's
Commission on Education...
and I would like to talk to you
about an ever-growing problem--
the short attention span
of today's youth.
Weaned as they are on television,
young people today...
can't seem to pay attention
for more than a few mo--
[ Man ] Pethouse Video presents
an in-depth...
up close and personal look...
at Pethouse Plaything
Taryn Steele.
[ Woman Narrating ]
Oh, so many neat things
have happened to me in my life--
being named homecoming queen,
making the cheerleading squad.
But the neatest thing ever was
when I was recently chosen...
the Pethouse Plaything
of the Month.
But being a Plaything
hasn't changed me.
I'm still the same Taryn.
When I was first chosen,
I was, like, really immature.
But I've grown so much
since then.
I can hardly believe it's me.
I'm a beach person
and a night person.
I really feel sorry for anyone
who doesn't live in California...
'cause we've got it all--
the mountains, the sun.
And, like, there's no humidity.
It really blows me away.
Here, out of the public eye,
I can just fade into the crowd.
In New York, I get hassled all the time.
I don't understand it.
Laguna offers me
peace and solitude...
away from the pressure
of being a Plaything.
Here in Laguna,
I can just let my mind go blank.
Art is my life.
I love to browse
Laguna's art galleries...
and my dream is to one day...
have some of my things
hanging here.
But my real strength
comes from my family...
and my strong
religious upbringing.
I'll always be grateful to my mom and
dad and the values they've given me...
which help me take on
the awesome responsibilities...
of Plaything of the Month.
Selma, look at this reception.
- [ Click ]
- Beaver, did you bring home
a note from your teacher today?
Oh, no, Dad. That's one of your jokes
I haven't heard before.
- [ Woman ] Record
warm temperatures tomorrow.
- Unbelievable!
Best investment I ever made.
[ Kiss ]
[ Weathercaster Continues, Indistinct ]
[ Sighs ]
You haven't been out
of this house in two weeks.
Lows will warm up
just a bit.
What the hell has happened
to my remote?
Sunny skies
for the remainder of the day.
Murray?
Embedded in those clouds.
And here in the southern--
Excuse me, sir.
We're on the air.
Selma!
Get me out of here!
I must've pressed
the wrong button.
Murray, what are you
doing on the weather?
I don't know. Press something.
Bring me back!
Here!
[ Man ] Swung on,
and it's a high fly ball to centre field.
- Wait a minute! There's a fan on the field!
-[ Crowd Booing ]
Make me wanna stay
If this is it
- Doo wah
- Now I'm trapped in a rock video!
Anything but this!
If this ain't love
you better let me go
- If this is it
- Doo wah
Selma! Help me!
- If this ain't love, baby
- Wait. Wait.
- Selma!
- I'm looking for the booklet.
- [ Ominous ]
- Oh, no. I'm in black and white.
Where am I?
- [ Growling ]
- Selma!
[ Murray ]
Help!
Selma!
Selma!
This is what you get
for throwing out the directions.
Help! Help me!
- [ Mellow Jazz ]
- [ Gasps ]
Here you can leave me
for the night.
You should be so lucky.
- Yech!
- [ Twittering ]
- [ Chuckling ]
- Where am I?
You're on
the Disney Channel.
At least I know you won't
catch anything there.
- Fun is fun, Selma,
but I want to come home.
- [ Chuckling ] I'm trying.
[ Man ] 500 million people
are watching via satellite...
as the president and first lady deplane
for this historic Moscow visit.
They look fit and rested.
Wait a minute.
An unidentified man
has emerged from Air Force One.
He seems, believe it or not,
to be clad only in his underwear.
- The Secret Service have grabbed him.
- Where am I? I'm innocent!
- But who is he
and how did he get on board?
- I was only watching television!
- He appears to be deranged.
- Help! Selma!
[ Man ]
I'm so proud of you, Brenda...
getting through the delivery
without any anaesthetic.
Well, I had the best
Lamaze coach in the world.
When do we get to see the baby?
It's been eight hours.
Well, you remember the film
they showed us in class.
There's all kinds of tests
they have to perform on a newborn child.
- So--
- That's true.
Ah!
There's my favourite couple.
- Mr and Mrs Flanders.
- That's Landers.
Right, right. Flanders
is uraemic poisoning on 39.
- So.
- Um--
Nice stitch work,
if I say so myself.
Doctor, we'd like to see our son.
The nurses keep giving us the runaround.
I'd like nothing better
than to bring you both your son...
but have you looked around
this hospital?
There are sick people here.
I just saw this old guy in the hallway
with these gnarly scabs all over his body.
Gross me out!
[ Gags, Shudders ]
-I'm not about to expose your little Jeffrey...
-Nicholas.
to that.
- I've got a solemn oath to uphold here.
- Doctor...
Brenda and I are both
Lamaze graduates...
and we've never heard of quarantining
a healthy infant before.
Ooh, Lamaze.
Well, I forgot that you spent
three whole weekends sitting on a floor...
learning how to breathe.
I had to get by on a degree
from Harvard Medical School!
Please, it's important to us to see our child.
You've heard of bonding.
- Uh--
- Doctor.
We'd like to spend a little quality time
with our son, please.
A little quality time with your son?
That would be beautiful.
You people.
[ Scoffs ]
- What's with that guy?
- [ Woman On P.A. ]
Mrs Fernandez, front desk.
He's supposed to be
the top man in his field.
Well, when he brings in little Jeffrey,
we're going--
- Nicholas!
- [ Doctor ] Here we go.
- Here's the little tyke.
- [ Both ] Oh!
- Okay, that's enough germs.
- Wait! Wait a minute.
- We haven't even seen him yet.
- Go ahead, breathe all over him.
I don't care.
What is this, some kind
of sick practical joke?
What are you talking about?
He's got your eyes.
Take that hideous thing away.
Come on. They all
look like this at first.
You see, when the baby passes through
the birth canal, its head gets a little pointy.
He should round out
in a couple days. Promise.
That's not a baby.
That's a Mr Potato Head.
Harry, call
the hospital administrator.
Hey! You're right.
This is a Mr Potato Head.
Gosh, they're so lifelike.
Anybody could've made
this mistake.
I'll be right back
with the real Nicholas.
- Harry, what are they doing to us?
- Calm down, Brenda. Calm down.
We don't want you to get
post-partum anxiety.
Now, as soon as we get our son,
I'm going to report this quack.
Thank God you took that
assertiveness training course.
Yeah.
Here's the little tyke.
[ Chuckling ]
- You've been a naughty little baby.
Yes, you have.
- [ Sighs ]
- Playing peekaboo
with Mommy and Daddy.
- About time. Nick, it's your dad.
He's got a strong, determined jaw
just like his old man there.
[ Imitates Baby Cooing
And Crying ]
Whoops.
[ Imitates Baby Crying ]
- Great. Now you made him cry.
- I don't believe this.
[ Continues Imitating
Baby Crying ]
Is this okay?
Would you rather breastfeed him?
- Get away from me!
- I'm gonna kill you!
[ Gasps ]
What kind of hospital is this?
All right,
Mr and Mrs Lamaze!
You see, due to a slight clerical error,
your son has been temporarily misplaced.
- You lost our son?
- Did I say lost? I said misplaced!
I'm suing you for-- for malpractice,
negligence-- you name it!
Just jump all over me! What about
the nine kids I didn't lose this week?
My baby! What have they
done with my baby?
It was your fault. If you hadn't
distracted me with that video equipment
in the delivery room...
I might not have misplaced
your little brat!
- Doctor. We found him.
- See?
- He was down the hall
in the laundry hamper.
- [ Both ] Oh!
Oh, he's beautiful.
I hope you're both
ashamed of yourselves.
All this hysteria when he was safe
and sound not 20 feet from this room.
Doctor, you're due in surgery
for that kidney transplant.
Where's the donor organ?
The donor organ?
God, I had it with me
when I left the house this morning.
[ Man ] Good morning and welcome
to Movies Till Sunrise.
Our feature presentation
is the 1 954 science fiction classic...
Amazon Women on the Moon...
starring Laird Granger
and Greta Van Zandt...
complete and uncut, with no
commercial interruptions.
This used to be me.
Old before my years,
ignored by women...
passed over for promotions.
But now all that has changed.
Hi. I'm Sy Swerdlow...
and I invented the patented process
known as ''hair looming.''
If you suffer from premature hair loss,
let our team of technicians...
visit you in the privacy
of your home...
so there will be
no embarrassment.
You choose from our selection...
of over 200 colours and styles.
Then your head
will be carpeted...
- with 1 00% pure acrylic fibre,
- [ Whirring ]
- completely natural-looking.
- [ Tacking ]
You can sleep in it.
You can shower in it.
[ Vacuuming ]
It changed my life...
and it'll change yours.
Call toll free--
1-800-GET-HAIR.
[ Radio Static ]
- Well, men, I've been studying
this map of the lunar surface...
- [ Monkey Chattering ]
and I've chosen the dark side
as our landing site.
- So, don't forget your space beams.
- Roger, Steve.
Just think, Loony, in less than an hour,
we're gonna be on the moon.
The first thing I'm gonna do
is carve me off a hunk of that green cheese.
Now, Butch, you know one of
the purposes of this mission...
is to dispel
some of those myths.
Steve, I've got the president
on the electro-scan.
- Whillikers!
- [ Beep ]
[ Man ]
Come in, men of Moon Rocket One.
This is the president of the United States
calling from planet Earth.
We read you, Mr President.
This is Steve Nelson,
commander, Moon Rocket One.
Commander Nelson,
this is a proud day for all Americans...
and this year of 1 980
will be remembered as the year...
an American
first set foot on the moon.
The governors
of all 48 states join me...
in wishing Godspeed
to you...
and your hand-picked team
of scientists.
That's us, Loony.
Thank you, Mr President.
We're proud to serve our country.
Over and out.
Blackie, neutralize
the electro-scan.
- [ Click ]
- Electro-scan neutralized, sir.
There she is,
dead ahead!
It's awesome, isn't it?
[ Blackie ] I've got big plans
for that piece of real estate.
I'm going to sell
advertising space on that.
Just picture this--
the world's biggest billboard.
We'll make a bundle.
Hold your horses, Blackie.
This voyage is for
the betterment of mankind.
[ Voice Distorts ]
Let's not any of us forget that.
[ Distorted ]
Sure, chief.
There goes my lunch.
[ Groans ]
It's right up there
with my stomach.
[ Chuckling ]
Prepare for moon landing.
- Initiate rotation system.
- Rotation initiated.
Reverse retros.
Retros reversed.
Steve, we're losing pressure
in the atom chamber.
If it drops any more,
we're goners.
[ Alarm Sounding ]
Quick, Blackie,
switch to the emergency--
Tie a yellow ribbon
round the old oak tree
It's been
three long years
Do ya still want me
If I don't see a ribbon
round the old oak tree
I'll stay on the bus
forget about us
Put the blame on me
Did you know
that every seven minutes...
a black person is born
in this country without soul?
Hello, I'm B.B. King.
Won't you help Don Simmons
and the thousands of others...
that suffer from
this tragic disorder?
Its cruel symptoms can strike anyone.
Let's take a look.
I think the Republican Party has done
one heck of a job. Don't you,June?
I'll say, Ward. We Republicans
have turned this country around.
[ Both Chuckling ]
- [ Siren Wails ]
- Safety and good mileage
are the two things...
I looked for
in a new car.
That's why I bought
a Volvo station wagon.
Hi. I'm president of the David Hartman
Fan Club here in Glendale.
I've even met David Hartman once.
What a neat guy.
Chim-chimeny, chim-chimeny
chim-chim cheree
A sweep is as lucky
as lucky can be
Chim-chimeny, chim-chimeny
chim-chim cheroo
Good luck will rub off
when I shake hands with you
This is B.B. King saying
won't you please give...
so that Don Simmons here
and so many others...
can become useful members
of society.
Or blow me a kiss
and that's lucky too
Write to--
Thank you.
Be right there.
- Karen?
- Hi.
- Hi. I'm Jerry Stone.
- Hi,Jerry. Nice meeting you.
- I'm sorry. I'm running a little bit late.
- Don't worry about it.
- You look nice.
- Thank you.
- This is a great apartment.
- Thanks.
[ Sprays ]
Uh, I hope you like sushi.
I made reservations
at Tokyo Rose on Columbus.
Great.
I hear it's terrific.
Normally there's a waiting list,
but I know the maitre d;
You know,
I gotta tell you...
I never go on blind dates,
but, uh...
I just have a feeling
that this might be special.
Jerry? Before we leave,
do me one small favour, will you?
Sure. What?
Would you mind showing me a credit card
and a valid driver's licence?
- You're kidding. Why?
- I'd like to run
a ''couple compatibility'' check.
What the heck is that?
You know,Jerry,
it's tough being a single girl in the big city.
You meet all kinds
of phoneys and creeps.
That's why this machine
comes in handy.
I just enter your I.D.,
and the central computer
will tell me about your background.
[ Chuckles ] I don't want a bank loan.
I just want to take you out.
I know, but I'd feel better running a check.
Two I.D.'s, please.
You're serious.
- [ Machine Beeps ]
- It'll just take a minute.
- This is ridiculous, but, uh--
- [ Punching Number Pad ]
- Here's, uh--
- Three-one-six.
- That's a cute picture. [ Chuckles ]
- MasterCard.
I don't know how I ever got along
without one of these.
Changed my life.
Feel the same way
about my VCR.
Ooh. Right now I'm taping
Sophie's Choice with Meryl Streep.
- I love Meryl Streep.
- Oh, I am so into her.
[ Sighs ]
- [ Printer Buzzing ]
- Here it comes now.
- [ Laughs ]
- [ Bell Dings ]
- All that about me? Geez.
- They are very thorough.
- [ Giggles ] This is great!
- What? What?
- Oh.
- What do you got there?
- Uh-oh. [ Sighs ]
- Uh-oh? What's-- What's uh-oh?
Jerry...
does the name Debbie Rothenberg
mean anything to you?
Uh-- Debbie Rothenberg.
Uh--
Oh, yeah.
I think I went out with her once or twice.
You had sex with her on the second date,
and then you never called her again.
- I hate when guys do that.
- It says all that?
[ Scoffs ] Does the phrase
''You're not only beautiful...
but you're someone I feel I can open up to''
mean anything to you?
[ Chuckles ]
I'm not surprised.
You've used that line on your last 1 6 dates.
Look, this is ridiculous.
Debbie-- Uh, Karen,
I think...
that we have something
very special here.
- You're not like the other women you--
- ''You meet in the city.''
See what I mean?
And,Jerry...
I could never get serious
about someone who's selfish in bed.
- ''Who's selfish in bed''?
- Well, how would you describe a man...
who satisfies his own needs
and rolls over and goes to sleep?
- I never did that in my life!
- Eleven times!
- You want names and dates?
- No. No, I do not! Look, hey, hold it.
Anyway, that is just a small fraction
of the hundreds of times...
I've been intimate
with women.
We're exaggerating a little,
aren't we,Jerry?
The record only shows
2 1 sexual intimacies.
- There you are.
- This doesn't jibe with my figures.
Okay, sweetie?
Jerry, the statistics don't paint
the picture of a mature man.
Twelve times, you ignored
your date at a party...
to flirt with
a more attractive woman.
1 69 times, you feigned interest when
a woman was talking about her career.
On 1 7 occasions,
you lied to women...
telling them you were really into sushi
and Meryl Streep movies.
Make that 1 8 times.
Wh-Wh-Where do they
get these figures?
As you can see,
Jerry...
it would be pointless
for you and I to go out.
Oh, yeah?
Well, I'm gonna get one of those machines
and see how well you come off!
- Okay?
- Goodnight,Jerry.
It's early yet.
Maybe you can still get lucky in a bar.
Like you did
last Thursday.
Hello, Beverly?
- [ Woman ] Yeah?
- Hi.
This is Jerry Stone.
We met the other night at Dave's party.
- Oh. Hi.
- Hi.
Listen, I know
it's last minute...
but I wanna ask you,
are you free tonight?
Uh, yeah.
You are. Great.
Listen, I can pick you up
in 1 0 minutes.
[ Chuckles ]
Sure, okay.
- Oh,Jerry, um--
- Yeah?
Could you bring a major credit card
and a valid driver's licence?
Jerry?
[ Man ] Extraterrestrials.
Strange phenomena.
Missing persons.
Lost continents.
Myths and monsters.
We examine these mysteries
to determine...
are they bullshit or not?
London's West End.
Here, in the winter of 1 888...
a series of bizarre
and violent murders occurred...
which remain unsolved
to this very day.
Jack the Ripper.
Was he a prosperous
London surgeon?
Perhaps a member
of British royalty.
Well, our Bullshit team
has unearthed...
spectacular new evidence
which suggests...
that Jack the Ripper
was, in fact...
the Loch Ness monster.
Is it possible
that Nessie...
murdered five streetwalkers
before returning to Loch Ness?
Using undiscovered evidence...
we've pieced together the events
leading up to the first murder.
Although this is
a Bullshit re-enactment...
it may have happened
just this way.
Hello, dearie. Show you
a good time for a quid.
Throw the wife in for free.
Oh, gents.
Don't you want a girl
to keep you warm tonight?
[ Sighs ] Me mum told me
there would be nights like this.
- [ Murmuring ]
- Oh, my!
You are a big one,
now, aren't you?
Come on, darlin'.
[ Chortling ]
[ Wheels Squeaking ]
Mind you, don't you be
steppin' on my feet now.
- [ Murmuring ]
- Ooh!
Aren't you in an hurry!
Now, will you be careful.
Not so rough, da--
Wait a min--
[ Screaming ]
Is this the way
it happened?
Was Jack the Ripper, in fact,
a 60-foot sea serpent from Scotland?
Did I take this job
for a quick buck?
We may never know the answers
to these questions. Next week--
Come on.
[ Man ] To recap the three movies
that we reviewed this week...
here on Critics Corner...
Marc and I both gave
a big thumbs up...
- to the new Swedish film
directed by, uh--
- Olaf Svensen.
Olaf Svensen, called
The Winter of My Despondency.
- Haunting abstract symbolism.
- It's arty crap.
- Jonathan and I did split, however...
- [ Yawns ]
on the newest
teenage romp called Frat Slobs.
Jonathan, I think,
thought it to be...
a light,
frothy souffle...
- sizzling with youthful energy.
- That I did.
On the other hand,
I thought it was pond scum.
You're an albino.
What the hell do you know?
We have a new feature
we'd like to introduce on Critics Corner...
we hope you'll enjoy.
We call it ''Real Life Reviews''...
in which we critique the life
of an average person just like you.
Jonathan will begin with a review
of the life of Harvey Putnik.
- [ Jonathan ] No. Pitnik.
- Pitnik, of Skokie, Indiana.
- Illinois.
- Illinois.
- Harvey Pitnik of Skokie, Illinois.
- Bernice. Bernice, come here.
They're talking about me
on the television.
- What?
- Come here.
- Harvey Pitnik would seem
to have all the ingredients...
- [ Bernice, Harvey Laugh ]
- for a successful life.
- You'd think so.
- So why does he fail so miserably?
- I don't know.
I think the problem
is with Harvey himself.
- What the hell is this?
- You're right. It is Harvey.
Very good,Jonathan.
It is Harvey.
So, we're supposed to care
about this Harvey Pitnik?
Why? I mean, it takes him 30 years
to develop any character at all...
and by the time he does,
who cares?
- They're crucifying me.
- It's hardly worth the wait.
- He didn't like Gandhi either.
- Let me show you.
Here's a scene from last year
as Harvey is coming home from work.
[ Groans, Sighs ]
- Oh. Hi, Scraps.
- [ Low Growl ]
- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, kids.
- [ Harvey ] How did they do this?
- Hi, honey.
Hi, dear.
Ooh. Potatoes.
I didn't cons--
I didn't consent for this to be on TV.
- Dinner'll be ready in five minutes.
- Okay.
[ Sighs ]
- Some exciting home life, huh?
- And it goes on like that...
tediously,
day in and day out.
- Where's the love?
- Where's the passion?
Where's the examination
of one's own existence?
This is a poor excuse
for a life.
I give Harvey Pitnik
a-- a big thumbs down.
- [ Harvey ] Thumbs down?
- I give him a thumbs down too.
But I didn't hate Harvey
quite as much as you, Jonathan.
Oh, granted, his life was
a miserable waste of time...
but I rather enjoyed
the Kafkaesque touches.
Here's a loser trapped
in a dead-end job...
and a--
a loveless marriage.
- How do they know that?
- [ Marc ] Couldn't they have done
anything to make this man human?
Think of the money it took
to bring him into the world.
- A ton!
- To feed him and to clothe him
and then to educate him.
And after all that,
what have you got?
- You've got a big bore!
- A dull clod!
An empty suit.
And another thing...
I was always one step ahead
of this guy's life.
- There just were no surprises!
- No. Wait a minute.
What about the ending of his life?
That came as a surprise.
- Ending?
- I saw that coming a mile away!
- I didn't.
- What ending?
- The high blood pressure.
The lack of exercise.
- True. Uh-huh.
- The bad diet.
- Of course.
By the time he finally has his heart attack
in front of the TV, big deal!
- Heart attack? Heart attack?
- [ Marc ] It's such a mundane way to go.
What are they talking about?
A heart attack? I didn't have a-- [ Groans ]
[ Marc ]
Wouldn't it have been more dramatic if,
say, he'd fallen down an elevator shaft?
- He should've died years earlier.
- Maybe in a submarine accident.
- [ Bernice ] Harvey? Oh, my God!
- Possibly a giant squid.
- Something to add
a little science fiction to it.
- I'm calling an ambulance.
- I'm calling an ambulance!
- A tragic waste, but who cares?
Oh, I see our time is up.
We want to thank you very much...
for joining us
on Critics Corner.
Hope you'll be back next week when we'll
have an aisle seat reserved just for you.
- Bye-bye.
- [ Organ: Perky Theme ]
There's so many things he could've done.
He could've had a better haircut.
[ Man ] We now return to the 1 95 7 film...
Amazon Women on the Moon...
starring Bill Thomas and Buzzy Clark.
There will be no further interruptions.
Well, here we are
on the moon.
[ Butch ]
This place gives me the willies.
Think we'll run into
any moon men?
Not intelligent life
as you and I know it, Butch.
If there are any Martians,
I'll bet they speak the universal language--
do-re-mi!
You remember the space oath
you took at the academy, Blackie?
''I will not exploit other worlds
for personal gain.''
Look at that.
Follow me, men.
Keep your eyes open.
[ Murray ]
Selma!
- [ Loony Chattering ]
- Hey, dig that crazy full moon.
That's a full Earth, Butch.
Remember where we are.
Zowie!
This is only a hunch,
but--
Steve! What are you doing?
You're committing suicide!
[ Inhales Deeply ]
Just as I thought.
The moon has an atmosphere
similar to Earth's.
Take off your helmets, boys.
- [ Inhales ]
- [ Laughing ]
Good old HO.
Steve, fill me in.
How'd you figure it out?
Seems like Loony
figured it out first.
- [ Chittering ]
- [ All Chuckling ]
That's my Loony,
a regular Einstein.
[ All Chuckling ]
- Look!
- [ Roaring ]
- [ Yawns ]
- [ Announcer ]
Are your parties dull and boring?
- [ Sighs ]
- Well, why not liven them up...
with the snack food
that's sweeping America.
Mmm! Say, Mike, this is some great pate.
It has such a unique flavour.
It's more than just
an ordinary pate, Bill. Watch.
- [ Boing ]
- [ People ] Whoa!
What the-- You know,
I never saw an appetizer do that before.
Well, you never tried
Silly Pate before!
Not only is it fun at parties,
it's low in saturated fats.
And look.
- It picks up your favourite comic strip!
- [ Gasping ]
I'm eating Doonesbury.
And I'm eating
Beetle Bailey.
- [ All Laughing ]
- [ Announcer ] You'll never have
a dull, lifeless party again...
with Silly Pate.
[ Boing ]
Available in all fine gourmet
shops and toy stores everywhere.
- [ Organ ]
- [ Woman Crying ]
- [ Sobbing ]
- It's time, Mrs Pitnik.
Do I have to?
Yeah. We need the room again at 4.00.
[ Clears Throat ]
Come on.
I-Is Har-Harvey here?
- Yeah. He's in repose. He looks great.
- Oh!
Okay, let's move along.
That's right.
Just relax, Mrs Pitnik. You're young.
You'll-- You'll meet someone.
- [ Sobs ]
- Send the kids to camp.
That's what I would do.
Okay, family up front,
on the left.
- Well, I guess that's it.
- [ Chattering ]
[ Chattering ]
Everything's taken care of. Everything.
And the buffet?
To die.
- Hey, Scooter. Cute stuff.
- [ Sniffling, Crying ]
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is a wake.
- So let's have fun with it, huh?
Everybody, have a great time.
- [ Organ Stops ]
[ Uptempo ]
[ Man On P.A. ]
Welcome to the O'Leary Funeral Home...
where many of the nation's
top comedians have gathered
to roast our guest of honour...
the late Harvey Pitnik!
Please welcome...
Rip Taylor!
- [ Singing Gibberish ]
- [ Applause ]
- Slappy White!
- [ No Audible Dialogue ]
Jackie Vernon!
- Henny Youngman!
- [ No Audible Dialogue ]
Charlie Callas!
And our roast master--
Mr Steve Allen!
[ People Gasping ]
[ Crescendoes, Stops ]
And here he is,
our man of the hour--
- [ Drum Roll ]
- Mr Harvey Pitnik!
- [ Sobbing ] There's Harvey!
- [''Funeral March'']
[Jokey Segue, Stops ]
- Thank you, ladies and mourners.
- [ Hammy Laughter ]
That's all right, Harvey.
Don't get up.
- [ Laughter Continues ]
- [ Loud Sob ]
Anyway, be that as it may--
and I doubt if it was--
tonight we are here to pay tribute
to a close, personal friend...
Harvey Pupik-- I'm sorry.
Uh, Pitnik. Harvey Pitnik.
Harvey was a man, my friends,
who was the same in life...
- as he is in death-- a stiff!
- [ Mourners Laughing ]
But all seriousness aside,
we are going to lay two things to rest--
Harvey Pitnik and the rumour
that Charlie Callas is funny.
- [ Laughter ]
- Ladies and gentlemen, a very
funny man, Charlie Callas.
- [Jazzy ]
- [ Applause ]
Thank you.
Thank you.
- [ Ends ]
- Thank you. Harvey, keep it down!
- [ Nonsense Noises ]
- [ Laughter ]
Today, ladies and gentlemen,
we're here to pay homage
to the late Harvey Potemkin--
- Peshtabil-- Poshbulv-- whatever.
- [ Chuckling ]
- Who cares? Does it matter now?
- [ Allen ] No, no.
And if Harvey were alive today,
he'd be a very sick man. [ Giggles ]
- [ Imitates Taxicab Horn ]
- [ Laughter ]
[Jazzy ]
We had-- I'm sorry
to make this announcement.
We had two disappointments tonight--
Milton Berle could not make it
and Rip Taylor could. [ Laughs ]
- Ladies and gentlemen, Rip Taylor.
- All right.
- [ Fast ]
- [ Applause ]
- [ Applause Continues ]
- [ Ends ]
- Thank you so much. Thank you so much.
- [ Applause Fades ]
Thank you.
Thank you so much, Steve.
Charlie said, ''Harvey, keep it down.''
Thank you.
- Oh, well, there goes that act.
- [ Laughing ]
The president couldn't be here,
Harvey, so he sent a wire.
- [ Cackles ]
- [ Laughter ]
Tell 'em. It's a--
Never mind.
What's this, an audience or a funeral?
Now, pay attention, please.
But I'm a little nervous because
Harvey was a personal friend of mine...
and there's not a person in this room
that Harvey Pitnik did not touch.
I must say, he touched me for 40 bucks
and Steve for 20. [ Cackles ]
Folks, I don't dance.
This is it, you see.
[ Laughing ]
But I do feel for his widow, Bernice.
That was a romantic marriage.
She learned everything about sex
from a manual.
Emanuel was their gardener.
[ Cackles ]
- [ Crowd Laughing ]
- [ Laughing ] I'm sorry.
I better wrap it up now, folks.
'Cause you know the old axiom
in show business-- ''get off quick.''
Like Harvey
on his wedding night.
- Could you die? I gotta go.
Goodbye. Thank you so much.
- [ Fanfare ]
Thank you, folks. I'm thrilled
to be here tonight to pay tribute...
to the late Harvey Pitnik.
But enough about Harvey.
[ Mourners, Panellists Laughing ]
- Take my wife. Please.
- [ Continue Laughing ]
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.
Why do Jewish guys die before their wives?
They want to.
[ Laughter, Scattered Applause ]
And that's what
I think of you, Harvey.
- [ Laughter, Applause ]
- [Jazzy Fanfare ]
-Thank you, Henny Youngman, for that trip
down memory lane. And now--
-[ Laughing ]
- [ Rimshot ]
- [ Laughing ]
But seriously. Henny, you were
never funnier... and it's a shame.
- [Jazzy Fanfare ]
- [ White ] But I was asked to say
a couple of words about Harvey.
How about ''ugly'' and ''cheap''?
Harvey wrote his will
on his cock...
and his lawyer said it would
not stand up in court.
- [ Laughter, Pounding On Table ]
- [ No Audible Dialogue ]
- Okay, Mrs Pitnik. You're on.
- What?
- You're on.
- Oh, no. Oh, no. I really can't--
- You're the widow. You've got
to give Harvey's rebuttal.
- No, no, I can't go up there.
- I can't do this.
- But in conclusion, I'd like to
say, congratulations, Harvey.
Rigor mortis is the closest
you ever come to a hard-on in 1 5 years.
- I thank you.
- [ Applause, Whistling ]
[ Band Imitating Laughter ]
Harvey himself is gonna
throw in his two cents...
as soon as we take 'em
off his eyelids.
[ Laughing ]
I don't get it. I don't get it.
And now, for the rebuttal on behalf of our
guest of honour, his lovely widow, Bernice.
And nothing's changed, Harvey.
She's still gonna be doing all the talking.
[ Laughs ]
Bernice Pitnik!
- [ Applause ]
- [Jazz ]
[ Continues ]
- Lovely woman.
- [ Ends ]
- [ Sighs ]
- [ Applause Fades ]
Thank you, Merv--
I mean, Steve.
- That's quite all right.
- [ Clears Throat, Swallows ]
Now, well, I would like
to inject a serious note...
as, uh, Henny Youngman
did earlier.
[ Scattered Laughter ]
I want to say to...
Harvey, my late husband...
as I look down at you...
lying there motionless...
I can only think
of one thing--
- our wedding night.
- [ Laughter ]
- [ Sighs ]
- [ Laughter Continues, Fades ]
[ Chuckles ]
I'll never forget my--
my last moments with...
Harvey...
- [ Laughter ]
- as I-- as I took him into my arms...
and I whispered those
three little words:
- ''Sign the will.''
- [ Rimshot ]
- [ Laughter ]
- [ Laughs ]
- [ Laughing ] Great.
- But seriously...
I'm glad to see
Slappy White here today.
Now at least I know
my hubcaps are safe.
[ Laughs ]
And Rip Taylor,
is that a toupee...
or did a beaver curl up
and die on your head?
- [ Laughing ]
- [Jazz ]
As I look at Henny Youngman today, I'm
not so sure we're burying the right guy.
- [ Laughter, Applause ]
- [ Ends ]
- [ Piano, Slow ]
- [ Announcer ] At last...
the greatest album
of love songs ever recorded.
You'll want to share them
with someone special.
Why do birds suddenly appear
Sung by the man who turned a personal
affliction into a recording career...
Don ''No Soul''Simmons.
Just like me
They long to be
Close to you
- Why do stars
- [ Band Begins ]
Fall down from the sky
Every time
You walk by
Just like me
They long to be
Close to you
- She'd been sitting there
-[ Announcer ] So curl up by the fireside...
and listen to the non-threatening music
of this master showman.
[ Simmons ]
And, honey, I miss you
And I'm being good
And I'd love to be with you
If only I could
Say, has anybody seen
My sweet Gypsy Rose
Here's her picture
when she was
- My sweet Mary Jo
- [ Announcer ] Young lovers of any age...
will cherish
this timeless collection...
of the world's
most romantic ballads.
And if you act now,
you'll get free...
this bonus album.:
Don Simmons Down & Funky.
[ Electric Keyboard ]
- [ Band Begins ]
- Jeremiah was a bullfrog
He was a good friend of mine
I never understood
a single word he said
[ Announcer ] This two-record collection
is not available in any stores...
so order now.
[ Simmons ] Yes, he always had
some mighty fine wine
By thunder!
She's a lovely sight, lads!
- [ Men Chatter, Laugh ]
- And you can bet your miserable lives...
the cargo hold is filled
with precious booty.
- Let's take her, Cap'n.
- Aye. Are you game, lads?
[ Men, Together ]
Aye!
Video pirates! Man the guns
and prepare to defend borders.
Fire!
Cutlasses,
me hearties!
Give them a bellyful
of steel.
Ah. By gum, Captain! All the latest
home videos. In Beta and VHS!
Aye! Some so current,
they're still in theatrical release.
- Help yourself, mates.
A chest full of video discs.
- No!
- What good are they?
- Can't record on 'em.
They're not compatible
with my system.
Captain! This one's locked.
Stand back.
- [ Gunshot ]
- [ Man ] Open 'er up.
Gather around, me buckoes,
and feast your eyes on this.
- [ Men Gasp ]
- Make all the illegal copies you want.
- Put it on.
- Aye, aye, Captain.
- [ Case Snaps Open ]
- [ Tape Loads In VCR ]
[ Shuddering ]
Ohhh, I'm so scared.
[ All Laughing ]
[ Laughing Fades ]
[ Knocking ]
- I said I don't want to be disturbed.
- Griffin, it's me, Trent.
Trent, I've been
waiting for you.
Come in.
Ah, Griffin. I came as soon
as I received your cable.
Good God, man,
what happened?
I've done it, Trent.
At long last, I've done it.
I finally duplicated my father's
formula for invisibility...
after five years of injecting myself
with every chemical known to man.
But Griffin, the invisibility formula
turned your father into a raving lunatic.
That's where I've topped
the old man.
I've been on the stuff
for over a week now...
and I'm still perfectly sane.
[ Laughs ]
Yes. I'll rule the world
with my secret.
Yes. And I'll need you, Trent.
I must have a visible partner.
[ Laughs ]
I can tell by your stunned expression
that you're pretty impressed.
[ Chuckles ]
Ah?
[ Gasps ] Ooh.
[ Chuckles ]
- [ False Nose Hitting Desk ]
- Look, Ma...
no hands.
[ Chuckles ]
I haven't come up with a reagent
to make myself visible again.
But what's the rush?
I'm having a ball.
Watch me closely.
Whee!
Ever see a shirt make a phone call?
[ Chuckles ]
Ooh.
Pretty scary, huh?
Ooooh!
Wait till you see this.
- [ Chuckles ]
- Uh, no. Griffin...
- you don't have to go all the way.
- [ Laughing ]
Yes.
[ Laughing ]
Just listen for
the sound of my voice...
and you'll know where I am at all times.
[ Chuckles ]
- Come on. Let's have some laughs!
- Griffin!
- Being invisible is the best! [ Laughing ]
- [ Stride Piano, Distant ]
[ Continues, Louder ]
Hey! Here comes
the invisible man again.
[ Bar Patrons Groaning,
Objecting ]
You, go and get some help.
I'll watch him here.
Whee-ooh!
Whee-ooh!
Oh, my. Now how did that happen?
Must be a ghost in 'ere.
This is unreal.
I'm terribly sorry.
Whee-ooh! Whee-ooh!
[ Imitates Tyres Skidding ]
Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho!
- Wow! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
- [ Policeman's Whistle Tweeting,
Distant ]
- [ Scattered Applause ]
- [ Door Opens ]
- Now, now, now. What's all this?
- Here he is, Officer.
Take it easy with him.
He's not really dangerous.
Come along quietly then, guv.
- You'll have to find me first.
- [ Groans ]
Come along.
Let's cover this one up.
Come on.
Wait. I'm invisible.
Don't touch me there.
- [ Griffin Laughing ]
- [ Wolf Whistle ]
Selma!
[ Man ] We now return to our feature...
starring Greta Van Zandt and Lyle Talbot.
There will be no further interruptions.
This looks like the remains
of some ancient culture.
Steve, I said some things back there
that I shouldn't have.
Anyway, thanks for saving me
from that dinosaur.
- Forget it.
- Hey, would you get a load of this joint?
This throne is still warm.
- [ Theremin Wailing ]
- [ Screeching, Chittering ]
Where are you going?
I forgot somethin'
back on the ship.
- What?
- [ Garbled ] I forgot to stay there.
[ Soundtrack
Skipping, Crackling ]
[ Man ] We are experiencing
technical difficulties. Please stand by.
We are experiencing techn--
I demand that you set us free,
Queen Lara.
We are on an official mission
from the planet Earth.
Ha! ''Planet Earth.''
Is that what you call that pitiful ball
hanging in the sky?
You wouldn't say that if you saw
Jane Russell or the Brooklyn Dodgers.
Silence, swine...
or you will suffer the same fate
as your friend.
I intend to file a protest
in the death of Blackie!
He dared to enter the sacred temple
and steal the precious moonstones.
But feeding him to giant spiders
without the benefit of counsel...
is not the way we do things
in America.
[ Women Laughing ]
Boy, I never thought
I'd be so miserable...
surrounded by
beautiful dames.
Cut the gags, Butch.
We're in enough trouble.
What's she lookin' at?
She acts like she's never seen a man before.
She hasn't.
Have you, Alpha Beta?
No, my queen.
What are men good for?
Well, I'm pretty good
in the back seat of a Studebaker.
Butch!
- Men are useless.
- Back where I come from...
no woman is complete
without a man.
You see,
Commander Nelson...
1 2,000 gamma-spans ago--
- ''Gamma-spans''?
- A moon unit of time...
roughly equivalent
to your Earth year.
Anyway, all men were banished from
the lunar surface because they couldn't--
For 1 31 years...
this great institution
has amassed...
what many consider to be the finest
collection of art anywhere in the world.
And now it can all be yours.
We've lost our lease!
That's right.
Everything must go.
From the old masters of Europe
to the conceptual artists of today's SoHo.
We're talking Rembrandts, Botticellis...
Gauguin, Cezanne, Matisse, Renoir...
and the chairman of the board...
Leonardo da Vinci.
This Egyptian sarcophagus...
from the dynasty of Ramses II,
appraised at $ 1 4 million.
Our price? 1 9.95.
Buy now, and we'll toss in,
free of charge...
the original
Declaration of Independence.
Now you might expect to pay
millions for this document...
that shaped a great nation.
But it's yours free. This fine parchment
will enhance any den or playroom.
And you can have some fun
with your friends...
by adding your own name
along with the original signers.
Remember,
the Cosmopolitan Museum of Art.
Every Van Gogh must go.
Hello, I'm Henry Silva.
Ever since the ocean liner Titanic sunk
on her maiden voyage in 1 91 2...
people have asked,
''How did it happen?''
- [ Man Imitating Ship Whistle ]
- Join me...
- as we dramatically recreate...
- [ Man ] Nearer
- the sinking of
the great ocean liner Titanic.
- My God, to thee
Bullshit or not?
You be the judge, here on this station.
[ Announcer ] From the pen
of America's wealthiest author...
- Irving Sidney, the man who gave us...
- [ Rapping ]
- the best sellers,
Irving Sidney's The Naked Virgin...
- [ Rapping Continues ]
and Irving Sidney's
The Power and the Flesh...
comes Irving Sidney's
sizzling new blockbuster--
Hey, baby.
[ Laughs ]
Long time no see, huh?
- There must be some mistake.
- Come on. Who are ya kiddin'?
It's me.
It's Bert.
Look, I'm in town with
the textile convention...
and I thought maybe we could, uh,
you know, party! [ Laughing ]
- I don't do that any more.
- Oh--
- You better get out of here
before you wake the president.
- [ Snoring ]
[ Announcer ]
When President Harrison Chandler
was married in the White House...
it was the social event
of the decade.
The courageous president...
and his beautiful new bride.
But she possessed a secret
that could shatter her dreams...
and topple a government.
I'll meet you in the Lincoln Room
in five minutes.
[ Announcer ]
She was forced to live a lie...
when her sins
came back to haunt her.
She was
''first lady of the evening. ''
Irving Sidney's 1 st Lady of the Evening.
A Magnet paperback
in easy-to-read type with no big words.
[ Simmons On Radio ]
Birds suddenly appear
- Every time
- [ Sighs ]
Look, Violet, what do you say we go
park out by the lake?
My glands are out of control.
Well, okay, Georgie,
but are you prepared?
I've been preparing myself for 1 7 years.
That's not what I meant.
- Fall down from the sky
- Pull over to that drugstore.
- [ Engine Stops ]
- [ Emergency Brake Sets ]
On the day that you were born
the angels got together
- And decided to create
a dream come true
- Georgie.
So they sprinkled
moon dust in your hair
- And golden starlight
- Make sure you ask for Titans.
Those are the best.
- [ No Audible Dialogue ]
- That is why all the boys
[ Bell Dings ]
Hello, George.
How are ya?
Uh, hi, Mr Gower.
I-I didn't think you worked nights.
My night man took sick.
What can I do for you?
We're having a sale
on shaving cre--
- What am I saying? You're
not old enough to shave yet.
- I've been shaving since March.
- See?
- Hey, I'd better call your mom
right now and thank her...
for the preserves she brought over
to our house--
Not now! I mean--
I-I mean, don't bother.
- I'll give her the message for you.
- [ Hangs Up Phone ]
- I'll bet I know what you want.
- You do?
Sure. I was young once. Liquorice sticks.
They came in
fresh this morning.
- [ Bell Dings ]
- Mr Gower, I'm 1 7 years old.
- [ Bell Dings ]
- Already? Seems like only yesterday...
your mom was in here
buying talc...
to powder your
little bottom.
- [ Chuckles ]
- Heh. Uh...
look--
Never mind. Thanks.
- [ Bell Dings ]
- Follow you
- [ Bell Dings ]
- All around
- Just like me
- [ Sighs ]
- [ Bell Dings ]
- They long to be
Almost forgot
what I came in for.
Tube of toothpaste and a box of--
[ Mumbles ]
Toothpaste and what?
A box of...
[ Quietly ] Titans.
You have to
speak up, George.
Titans! I want a box
of Titan condoms!
- [ Gasps ]
- George!
- And to think you were an altar boy.
- [ Sighs ]
- [ Keys Jangling ]
- [ Door Unlocking ]
You did say ''Titans''?
[ Sighs ]
Oh, only about four times.
- [ Slaps Bill On Counter ]
- Thanks, Mr Gower.
- [ Alarm Ringing ]
- [ Marching Band.:
''Stars And Stripes Forever'']
- [ Continues ]
- [ Laughing ]
[ Crowd Cheering, Chattering ]
[ Gower Laughing ]
- What's goin' on?
- George?
Rupert King, president
of Titan Condoms.
Congratulations, young man. You are
our one-billionth customer. Pictures.
[ Crowd Whistling, Cheering ]
- Thanks, but I really gotta go.
- Not so fast, kid.
- We've been planning this for months.
- It's really not necessary.
Tell me, George, how long have you been
using our fine Titan products?
- Uh, you could say
I never use anything else.
- Great quote.
- Are you getting all of this?
- You're not gonna use my name, are you?
Modesty, I like it. You could give Titans
that wholesome image we're looking for.
Do you know what
you're doing to me?
The entire town's
gonna know about this.
You'll be a household name, George,
just like Bip, our Titan mascot!
- Pictures. Pictures.
- Hi, folks. Hi, George. Hi, everybody.
[ Man ] Hey, George,
will you autograph a box for me?
- [ Crowd, Bip Laughing ]
- Get used to that, George.
- [ No Audible Dialogue ]
- More good news, George.
Even as we speak, your parents
are racing here to join you
in your moment of Titan triumph.
My parents? Are you nuts?
I'm not even supposed to have the car.
Make sure you airbrush out
the kid's acne, okay? George...
as a token of our thanks, we'd like you
to have this lifetime supply of Titans!
- Thank you, Connie.
- All I wanted was one.
[ Crowd, Bip Laughing ]
- Violet!
- George, I can tell...
you're as excited as we are,
as you begin this...
- your year-long reign as our Titan king!
- [ Bip ] Yippee!
[ Crowd Cheering, Applauding ]
[ Cheering, Applause Continue ]
[ Man ] And now the exciting conclusion
of the 1 955 feature...
Amazon Women of the Moon.
There will be no further
commercial interruptions.
Bullshit or not?
Hey, cut the mush,
you two.
- This place is about to blow sky high.
- Yes, look!
Moogla, the mountain demon, is angry.
- Yeah, and that ain't just heartburn.
- We haven't got much time.
- Let's go!
- [ Rumbling In Distance ]
Come on, Loony.
[ Rumbling Continues ]
- There's the rocket. Hurry!
- Come on, Alpha Beta.
When we get back to Earth,
I'm gonna show you Ebbets Field.
Oh, Steve, save yourself.
[ Panting ]
I wouldn't be able
to enjoy Earth without you.
[ Explosion ]
[ Nelson ]
Fasten seat belts.
I think we got about 1 2 seconds
before everything blows. Fire retros.
[ Car Engine Cranking ]
- She won't turn over!
- [ Car Engine Cranking ]
[ Engine Cranks,
Revs And Runs ]
Listen to that sweet music.
[ Screeching, Chittering ]
[ Debris Hitting Floor ]
There goes the only home
I've ever known.
You got a new home now, Lara,
[ Quietly ] with me on Earth.
- What are they doing, Butch?
- Well, it's called smoochin', babe.
Come here. I'll give ya
your first lesson.
[ Hooting ]
[ President ]
Earth to Moon Rocket One.
Earth to Moon Rocket One.
This is the president.
Steve, I hope you have things well in hand.
I'll say.
[ Horns Honking ]
[ TV.: Whooping, Gunfire ]
Psst.
Psst.
Yeah, you. Come here.
- Yeah?
- Saturday night.
- Yeah?
- Ain't got a date.
- What's your name, kid?
- Ray.
Ray?
[ TV.:Soft Rock ]
[ Continues ]
[ Giggles ]
Mmm.
You must be Ray.
I'm Sherrie.
[ Giggles ]
I heard you were
good-looking...
but I had no idea.
Come on in.
As you can see,
I made dinner.
Mmm, but I'm not hungry
just yet... for food.
Do you know what I mean?
Help me with my zipper, Ray?
- [ Zipper Unzipping ]
- [ Moans ] That's so much better.
- [ Dress Hitting Floor ]
- God, you're such a hunk, Ray.
I want you.
And I want you now.
Get over here, Ray.
I'm waiting, Ray.
Take me.
I want you to make wild,
violent love to me.
Oh, yes, Ray.
[ Inhales, Moans ]
Yes.
Oh, you're so good, Ray.
[ Moans ]
Yes.
[ Moaning, Squealing ] Ray!
[ Moaning, Sighing ]
You're the best, Ray.
Yeah, yeah.
[ Moaning ]
Ray, give it to me!
Mmm, that's good, Ray.
Yeah!
[ Panting, Screaming ]
You're the... best, Ray! Yeah!
[ Moans ]
- [ Door Slams ]
- [ Ends ]
- [ Man ] You dirty slut!
- Frankie, what are you doin' here?
- I thought you were outta town!
- That's what I wanted you to think!
-And I expected a little more from you, Ray.
-[ Quietly ] What, of me?
- You think I care about a loser like Ray?
- Loser?
- I did it to hurt you.
- You did it to hurt me?
Well, your cheatin' days
are over, street meat!
- Frankie, what are you doin'
with that gun?
- I'm gonna teach you...
and this little know-nothing wimp
a lesson!
- That's what I'm doin' with the gun.
- No, Frankie!
I love you!
I've always loved you.
- You think I enjoyed going
to bed with a worm like Ray?
- Shut up!
- Worm?
- You're history, Sherrie.
- [ Screams ] No!
- [ Gunshots ]
Satisfied, Ray? Hmm?
Happy now, buddy?
Well, you're gonna have to live
with that guilt for the rest of your life.
And you know what else, Ray?
You're gonna have to live
with this too.
- [ Gunshot ]
- Freeze!
- You have the right to remain silent.
- [ Handcuffs Ratcheting ]
If you give up the right
to remain silent...
anything you say can and will be used
against you in a court of law.
You have the right to speak with
an attorney and have an attorney present
at time of questioning.
- [ Latin, Electric Keyboards ]
- I was at a dance
When she caught my eye
Standing all alone
Looking sad and shy
We began to dance
Swayin' to and fro
whoa, whoa
And soon I knew
I'd never let her go
Blame it on the bossa nova
With its magic spell
Blame it on the bossa nova
That she did so well
Oh, it all began
with just one little dance
But soon it ended up
a big romance
Blame it on the bossa nova
The dance of love
Blame it on the bossa nova
With its magic spell
Blame it on the bossa nova
That she did so well
Oh, it all began
with just one little dance
But soon it ended up
a big romance
Blame it on the bossa nova
- The dance of love
- [ Pauses ]
[ Resumes ]
Is there anybody out there?
Would you please
do me a favour?
Call Crazy Leo's and tell him the TV set
he sold me has a problem.
I'm still under warranty.
Hello? Hello?
[ Crying ]
Help me.
I'll never see Selma.
I'll never get back.
I'll never get back.
I'm finished. I'm finished.
I'll never get back.
- I'm goin' out of my mind.
- [ Ends ]
Mary Brown?
- Yes.
- Sit down, Mary Brown.
Thank you, Doctor.
Mary, I've been going
over your tests.
How did a nice girl
like you...
come to contract
a social disease?
Then my worst fears
are confirmed.
Oh, the shame of it!
- [ Sobbing ]
- Now, now. You are unclean...
but there's always hope.
Tell me how
you went astray.
- Tell me everything.
- [ Wheels Squeaking, Rolling ]
I won a...
beauty contest...
here in Iowa.
I thought I'd try my luck...
in New York.
It wasn't like
Iowa at all.
And then I met
a theatrical agent.
Gosh, that sure is different
than the sarsaparilla we have back home.
Well, we like a little more ''sass''
in our ''parilla.''
Now, Mary I didn't get you up here
to dish out a lot o' hooey.
Oh, that's all right.
I already had lunch.
You see, there's a social side
to this business we call ''show.''
- Now, uh, let me see your gams.
- What?
I was humiliated,
though oddly excited.
Well, he told me
he could spot fresh talent...
- and sent me to see a colleague
of his named Dutch Monahan.
- [ Honky-tonk Piano Playing ]
It turned out to be
a wild party.
Here. Dunk your whiskers
in this, sister.
You guys sure like
your sarsaparilla in this town.
Get her.
Shut your trap,
or I'll bite your ears off.
Keep your hands off me,
ya big palooka.
That was my first exposure
to New York intellectuals.
Gee whiz. My first sophisticated,
New York party.
Which one
is Cole Porter?
When you realized that your body had
been rendered impure...
what did you do?
I made another
foolish blunder.
I married my high school
sweetheart, Ken.
My shameful affliction
was exposed at last...
when Ken began showing symptoms
of the disease.
Goodbye, honey.
I'm going to work.
- Goodbye.
- [ Sighs ]
Ow!
- Ken, what's wrong?
- My eyes.
Had my sinful ways
caught up with me?
Had I inflicted Ken
with my secret shame?
Ken's vision began
to affect his work.
- [ Man Screaming ]
- Mike! Sorry!
Ah, today's
reckless youth...
with your fast roadsters
and your rumble seats.
I want to show you something,
Mary Brown, for your own good.
Take a look at the germs
that have ravaged your system.
- [ Squeaking, Chattering ]
- [ Gasps ]
Come now with me
to the clinic.
[ Creaking, Rumbling ]
- [ Bat Squeaking ]
- [ Moaning, Chattering, Muffled ]
What you are going to see here
is not pleasant.
I didn't realize we had
such specialized clinics here in Iowa.
When science is on the march,
nothing can stand in its way.
[ Moaning, Chattering Continue ]
Who is that pitiful creature?
- [ Laughing ]
- [ Doctor ] Let's call him...
Pete Jones.
Pete's first troubles were
with smoking cigarettes and drinking beer.
- Weren't they, Pete?
- [ Growling ]
Get back!
We don't have any cigarettes!
Sad, isn't it?
- I've seen enough, Doctor!
- I know you have.
But have you?
Resist temptation,
or you may end up...
like Pete...
and Mary...
- and Ken.
- [ Horn Blaring ]
- [ Yelling ]
- [ Tyres Squealing ]
[ Fast, Dance Band
With Noisemakers ]
[ Ends ]