American High School (2009) Movie Script

Man imitating James Brown:
Ummmm-ah!
I say ummmm-ahh!
Good afternoon, Pussycats!
I say good afternoon, Pussycats!
I am here to introduce... Ha ha...
...my best friend
and your captain...
Jonny Awesome!
Thank you, Matt.
What the fuck is up,
American High School?
Yes!
#Ain't this the last time #
#I can feel like you #
#Well, you go from
town to town #
#And everybody knows
who you are... #
Boy:
Yes! Whoo! Awesome.
#Mmm, how do you do? #
#How do you do? #
All right, guys. Ahem.
Unfortunately, we have to
put a pause to the fun for a moment...
...and bring up... You know her
as the boring and the bland...
...and the ordinary...
...and incredibly
unhook-up-able-with... Al...
- Er...
- Unhookupable?
Yeah, she's... Okay,
let's bring up Gwen Adams.
Get up here!
Man, is she ordinary?
Soaky Gwen.
I'm just kidding.
Get up here.
She's a good fuck too, by the way.
Ha ha!
There you go.
Thank you.
I would...
- This must be really difficult for you.
- ...Like...
- Wow. You're definitely...
- Boy: You suck!
...unpopular.
Boy:
He's a dick!
I mean, if this was MySpace,
Tom wouldn't even be your friend.
Boy #2:
Fucking whore and slut!
Oh yes, sir!
Ha ha ha ha!
Awesome. Whoo!
That's me,
and it's pretty safe to say...
...that I am incredibly unpopular.
But it's not my fault, though.
There are plenty of
contributing loser factors.
For starters, instead of having a cool
dad who lets my girlfriends sleep over...
...my dad just tries to sleep with them.
He used to be an actor.
He made a ton of money...
...on the hit '80s TV show,
"Coast Watch"
...and a lot of Japanese
action flicks.
It'd be nice to have a strong older
brother to look up to.
Maybe this'll kill me.
Too bad I don't.
Don't even ask where
my mom is.
Having the coolest boyfriend
in school is usually a bonus.
Yeah, not when you marry him.
We'll get to that later.
Girl singing:
#What we did right... #
My husband's an exhibitionist...
...and made it his mission to have
sex with me...
...at every landmark in school.
We've never been caught.
Lastly, this...
...is Hilary Weiss!
Hilary is a devil with a vagina.
Hey, Holden.
She wanted Holden
but he wanted me, so I married him.
I want you to take me
to dinner.
Gwen: She's been trying to steal
my boyfriend since the third grade.
We hate each other,
but I got the man.
I'm running for prom queen...
...to beat out Hilary.
Not like I really care about
that kind of stuff obviously.
But I want to be the one
personally responsible...
...for bringing down Satan.
Ugh!
Oh, and I'm 10 days
late on my period.
Ahh, late for school.
Gotta go.
#Everyone is always
on the go... #
Boy:
Check this out...
Gwen:
Jonny and Matt.
I uploaded a video
of myself onto YouTube...
...shirtless and flexing.
Mad views already, bro.
- Mad views?
- Mad views.
- Nice.
- We're awesome.
So awesome!
Gwen: They hold the world record
in awesomeness...
...whatever that means.
- Awesome. You got a lighter?
- No.
Gwen: Oh, here comes Dixie,
Hilary and Trixie.
Together they've slept
with the entire school...
...twice.
You're a chauvinist pig!
Hey, Holden.
How about you and I
have a little dance party...
Gwen: God, she's such
an idiot!
If there was an award
for fewest brain cells...
...she'd be undefeated.
Oh!
- Cat fight!
- Awesome.
"Ooh, I'm gonna save the day.
I'm gonna pull her away. "
- Bye, Holden.
- Bye, little scaredy cat.
Walk away, walk away.
What the fuck is
wrong with those two?
Who the fuck gets married
in high school?
It's all right.
We like to watch you leave.
California...
...you will never find a more
wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Gwen: This is our history teacher,
Mr. Seuss.
Rumor has it his ber hot wife
is cheating on him.
She's our art teacher
and vice principal.
You can see from
her photos...
...she's extremely qualified.
California...
...where certain parts of Anaheim
worship a giant rat.
- Kip Dick.
- This means you should swim naked.
Kip Dick, out!
Harass. Be gone.
Seuss, I'm just here to
learn like everybody else...
Yeah, but what you're trying to teach
her, her dad doesn't want her to learn.
Move it.
Fine fine. You know, your class
is boring anyway.
Well, thank you.
But you know, this is only for students
who have graduated this century.
Okay. Quietly...
...as we continue our exciting
adventures in California history...
Ooh! My dad works in porn;
...he works in the state of California
'cause he's awesome!
What the fuck?
Did you get high?
- Totally, dude.
- Seuss, Seuss.
Oh, what the... Oh!
And that'll be enough for
California history.
Make sure you've all read
chapter 14...
...one through six, due...
what the heck... Tomorrow.
Yo yo yo!
This is your principal.
I need all my seniors
down to the gymnasium.
I repeat, I need all my seniors down
to the gymnasium.
Ooh, Principal Mann.
Ooh, yeah!
That was another
amazing announcement.
Oh, you were fabulous, sir.
To the gymnasium.
Yo.
Dad, what are you doing here?
Just hanging out with my bros,
being totally awesome.
Yeah.
By the way, your dad
has awesome cologne.
Totally awesome.
It's Essence of Apple.
Well, I'm gonna skedaddle.
- Mr. D.
- Mr. D.
Call me Kip!
All right, Kip.
Nice.
Who's the cutie?
I don't even know.
- Awesome.
- My name's Katie.
Shh.
It doesn't matter.
Why don't you guys swing by
the house later?
We'll throw around the pigskin,
crack a few beers.
- Honey, bring some of your friends.
- You're cute.
I know. I know.
Hey.
Hey, shithead.
How come we never
threw around the pigskin, huh?
That's 'cause I'm ashamed of you.
What the fuck, Dad?
I told you never
to call me that.
You never loved me.
Oh my God.
Could you be more of a pussy?
Now you're supposed to be a Dick.
Start acting like one.
Look at yourself.
I mean, come on...
Do some push-ups, get a girlfriend,
get a life.
No more jerking off.
Yeah, well maybe if I had a Dick
teaching me how to be a Dick...
I wouldn't be such a pussy,
all right?
Talk to the hand.
Talk to the hand.
- Real mature. Real mature.
- Talk to the hand.
- Fuck you, Dad!
- Hey...
- Cheesy-looking motherfucker.
- The balls...
You know, Jonny's still
single and available.
Dad, I'm married.
Yeah, well, it's never too late
for an upgrade.
Girl: Quiet. Quiet!
Boy: It is with pride
to introduce to you...
...the cornerstone
of this school...
Assistant Principal Becky Apple.
Boy: Look at those!
As seniors on
the fast track to graduation...
...a ritual is often performed.
I am of course
talking about prom.
Man:
I love you!
Prom is the be-all, end-all
of your time here.
On that note, I'd like to hand you over
to the prom chair, Hilary Weiss.
Man:
Whoo!
Totally. I want to bite
your ass!
Thank you, Miss Apple.
Thank you, students.
- Boy: Fucking suck!
- Without your hard work...
...and dedication, our prom
would not be possible.
You guys are so awesome!
- Boy: Cocksucker!
- Boy #2: Your pussy stinks!
And on a more serious note...
...when prom comes,
all of you need to vote for me...
Hilary Weiss.
I mean, I'm the prettiest girl
in school, so it's a no-brainer.
Where'd you go?
Holden: We hit the jackpot, Gwen...
the principal's desk.
- You, me, now. It's unlocked.
- What?
Come on, this'll leave
our last mark on campus.
Ow.
Plus, I want to let
all the boys know...
- That I'm a freak in the sheets.
- Boy: Whoo!
I can't believe
I'm really here.
Come here.
Holden: Are we almost done?
Holden: I can't do this.
Oh God. Oh God.
Oh my God. Oh fuck.
- So last year...
- Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
That was very nice.
- Thanks!
- Holden: Oh, fuck! Oh my God!
Oh, Gwen.
Oh, Gwen.
Oh my God, Gwen.
What's going on here?
I think they were
having sex.
Yes, Alice,
that's a rhetorical question.
- But, sir...
- How could you not lock my door?
I ain't cleaning this shit up.
Oh, you'll clean it up, Grandpa.
And you'll like it!
Do you two understand this is
mahogany wood from Bangladesh?
Where are you going?
Sit down!
Big deal... we banged on
Principal Mann's desk.
Look, I'm... I'm sorry.
I really am, but...
Gwen:
Don't touch me.
Alice, where's my popcorn?
Oh, sir, that's my breast.
I know.
I'm Zoey...
...the new girl.
I just transferred from Cancun.
I enjoy long walks on the beach...
I'm a Pisces
and I'm perfect.
Oh.
You do realize the school year's
almost over with.
I heard about
your internship program...
...for young hot blondes
with impressionable minds.
I had to try it out.
You know, see if I fit in.
Um, the position's
already been filled.
- We'll see about that.
- Mm-hmm.
#I don't care just what
you're made of... #
You know we have class,
Principal Mann.
Oh, I think that can wait.
Ah, Miss Hilary Weiss.
Ahh!
#I don't want to
be embarrassed #
#I don't want to notice you... #
Change of plans:
you can go to class...
...and I'll talk to
your pretty little girlfriend.
Wait... what was she
whispering to you about?
Now move!
You can't punish her during prom-queen
campaign. That's undemocratic.
#Run to you #
#I want to run to you... #
Looks like you're
failing Seuss's class.
If you don't get an A on the final,
you won't graduate.
That was done perfectly, sir.
Of course, Alice. Now I want that desk
clean by tomorrow morning...
...so clean that I can
eat off of it...
...if I choose to.
Let's go, Zoey.
How am I ever gonna
show my face at school again?
I'm the school slut.
That spot was reserved
for Hilary.
We have never been caught...
never.
And we've pulled off
some really risky missions:
...here at Mr. Seuss's classroom;
...here at the 50-yd line
of the football field;
...and not to mention
the bleacher sex!
Bleacher sex!
That is still the single-most
uncomfortable spot...
...to ever get it on.
I still have splinters from that.
Lunch is almost over.
Please please please...
...don't make me go back
to that hell.
Boy: Gwen Adams, report to the nurse's
office for a pregnancy test.
That is all.
Gwen: Oh God, what if I'm pregnant?
Again.
Excuse me.
Do you have a pass?
Oh, boy.
First patient of the day.
Hi.
- Welcome to my office.
- Hi.
I just need to pick up
a pregnancy test.
Okay, I think we...
we should get to know each other...
...since you're in my office and
I don't even know your name.
I'm Nurse Doogie.
I'm Gwen. Can I just have
a pregnancy test really fast?
You're Gwen.
I heard about you... You had
some sex, didn't you?
Was it good?
It was great for me.
I, uh, heard it while I was in
the bathroom over the speaker and...
Can we not talk
about that, please?
- No no, I...
- Stop. Please don't touch me.
Uh, put this robe on.
Let's get started
with the exam.
- What?
- Put this on.
Can you just get me
the little strip that I pee on?
Uh, I don't have anything for
you to pee on except for...
...well, me, if you're into that.
I could lay under a glass table
if that's what you want to do.
- I love it.
- What?
Ooh. Um, okay.
Uh, um, I'm gonna
examine you now.
You should... You should get
on the table right here.
- I'm on the table.
- Oh, yeah.
- I'm gonna miss my class.
- I'll write you a note.
I love him!
I don't know. It's like
I just try so hard.
I just give so much, you know?
And I'm just afraid
he'll get mad.
Have you even talked
to him about it?
I can't!
He gets frustrated
and he walks away.
I mean, I want to
make him happy...
...but he doesn't care.
I didn't want to do
the principal's-office thing.
I did it for him.
Do you want to do
the nurse's-office thing?
- What?
- Nothing.
Um...
I- I-I think you're really nice, Gwen.
- And I want to help you.
- Thank...
I don't want you to get
kicked out of school.
So... So I did
something for you:
I- I-I peed in a cup for you.
And that way you won't get
expelled for being pregnant.
- Thank you!
- I'm pretty sure you're not pregnant.
You're the best friend I have.
So that's why you should use
three fingers instead of two.
Gwen. Class, what have we learned
from her actions today?
To be more discreet when
you're acting like a whore.
- Who are you?
- I'm Zoey, the new girl.
I just transferred
from Cancun.
I enjoy long walks on the beach,
I'm a Pisces...
...and I'm perfect.
I don't like you.
That's probably because you
see me as competition.
I'm hot, I know.
Talk back to me again and you'll have
your next period through your mouth.
- Leave me...
- Think about that.
Bitch.
Go on and paint.
Make it erotic.
Excuse me, Miss Apple?
Can I get some inspiration?
Paint it.
Well, this is disturbing.
- I didn't even do anything yet.
- That's what's disturbing.
What? You think you can
start whenever you want to?
- No, I just...
- You think you're better than me?
Gwen: Abso-fucking-lutely.
No, I wouldn't say...
What?
What are you looking at?
You're looking at
the new girl.
Yeah, she's new.
She's hot too. I'm gonna fuck her.
Holden, you gotta
get it together.
You can't let her
talk to you like that.
- Yeah, but have you seen the new girl?
- Yeah, I've seen her.
I always kinda thought
you were gay, though.
This class is great...
- I love Mrs. Apple so much.
- ...Just great.
She looked
at me when I was painting...
...and said I did a good job.
Wow, that is really good, Holden.
You know, I'm not gonna lie.
You've got...
...negative and positive space,
continuity...
...rhythm, symmetry.
- Who the fuck are you?
- It's great.
Yeah, who the fuck are you?
Pff! Whatever.
I used to bang a chick that
owned an art gallery.
Holden:
Yeah, that's gay.
That... if I'm gay, then that's
fucking gay.
- Are those real?
- Pick it up.
- Oh, God. Oh, crap.
- Pick up the pencil.
Oh, she's picking it up.
Oh my God.
You know something?
- I don't even know him anymore.
- That's really good, though.
Like, I am serious; I am jealous of
his artistic ability.
Come on.
Miss Apple?
Um, I just wanted to thank you...
...for the best class
I've ever taken.
I mean, the way you convey art...
...and what it feels like and...
- Yeah yeah yeah. Okay.
- ...is supposed to be, it's amazing.
- There you go.
- And I just wanna...
...wish I would've showed up
more often.
- Get along.
- Thank you for the head, Becky.
- Miss Apple.
- Miss Apple. Miss Apple.
Bye.
Man, that guy's a yapper.
- Go.
- Third wheel.
Go!
I love you.
I'm sorry, I...
I guess...
...it was a big mistake and...
Look, I'm...
Ahh.
Tough break, baby.
What did you say to
Principal Mann today?
Just two little
magic words:
"b" and "j. "
- Oh.
- How does he taste, girl?
Mmm.
But you still like me, right?
- No.
- Say it.
- Say it.
- Say you love us.
I'm in love with Gwen.
- Holden, tell me you want me.
- I'm married.
Uhh!
Tell me you want me.
You're a fucking whore.
You guys are all
fucking stupid.
You know you love us.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Toodles.
- Fuck!
What the fuck is
your problem?
You can be a real bitch
sometimes, you know that?
Oh, come on, you're not gonna leave me.
You're just gonna leave me here?
- Really? Why am I such a bitch, huh?
- What the fuck am I supposed to do?
For starters, you can keep
your fucking shirt on!
You want me to walk? I don't even know
how to take the fucking bus.
- Why don't you go do Hilary?
- What the fuck?
What the fuck?
- Hey there, gorgeous.
- Hey.
You want a ride?
- Um...
- Get in.
Yeah, please.
Just take me anywhere
but here, please.
You got it.
- Thank you.
- No problem.
Problem?
Just a little bit.
So you want to
take me to dinner?
I can't go with you.
Please.
Please.
#So long, we never
say goodbye #
#Your love I want to
live and die #
#So long we never
say goodbye #
#Your love I want to
live and die #
#So long
we never say goodbye #
#Your love I want
to live and die #
#So long we never
say goodbye #
#I want to live and die #
#in LA. #
I got ice.
I got the dental floss and...
G- Gwen?
What are you doing here?
- I assume you're staying in tonight?
- Hold on.
I gotta go.
No, I'm waiting for
my MySpace date...
...which I thought was you.
You're, uh... You're not
"Miss Tish," are you?
- No.
- Well, good.
I mean, if I wanted a discreet
relationship with my daughter...
I'd just ask.
Can I just stay?
Uh, I said no.
Oh, I gotta take that.
- Bubbles? Yeah, did you get the lube?
- Dad?
Are you... Dad, it's only
gonna take...
Sometimes I feel like you like me,
but then sometimes I don't know.
And Jenny... You know, that big
thick girl from third period...
...you know, she wore that little black
dress today but she didn't look little...
...anyway, she told me that you really
sometimes stare at me in class.
And I feel you sometimes...
...you know how they say you can feel
when someone's staring at you?
And I kinda sometimes feel like
you're staring at me...
...but then I don't really know.
And I don't know, I just really like you...
- And I want you to like me back...
- Here! Take it.
Hi.
How's the new job?
- What did you say?
- You're spitting in my food.
How many girls
do you have anyway?
Ya!
I like the other one.
This girl here...
she's a floozy.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Bye.
- No!
- Go ahead.
Okay.
'Kay. Bye.
So anyways, I am so hungry.
I'm so glad you took me
to get something to eat...
...because that way we can really get
to know each other better.
And, you know, talk.
Are you gonna eat that?
Mmm.
Today I went to the mall and my daddy
took me on this little shopping spree...
...and I told him, "Daddy, I just don't...
I just want a little shopping spree. "
He almost bought me the whole mall.
But that's my daddy.
He loves me and
he always wants to spoil me.
Guess what? This summer, he's gonna
take me to Brazil.
And I'm really excited
to go to Brazil because...
...all those Spanish classes
that we took.
You remember when we took Spanish
class with Mr. Alvarez?
Woman: And I was thinking maybe
we could, probably we could...
Excuse me.
Do you have something to say?
Actually, they speak
Portuguese in Brazil.
Um, sweetie, I think
I should know what they speak.
They speak Spanish in Brazil.
You must have had to sleep with
your geography teacher to pass.
Oh, yeah?
Maybe you could help me...
...nasty little girl.
Woman:
Real mature.
Who do you think you are?
I can't take this.
Hold on, I want one more bite.
Let's go.
Adioso!
Come on.
Woman:
Oh, yes, you big bad boy.
- Say something to me in Oriental.
- Give it to me harder.
Mmm, I said Oriental.
Yes, I don't know Oriental.
Well, just pretend, can you?
You're an Asian prostitute.
You're an Asian prostitute.
Yes, I am.
I'm gonna get my
happy ending, aren't I, baby?
- Yes, you are.
- Oh, shit.
This is a nice house, Kip.
I really like your cheekbones.
Right here.
Well, I just want you guys
to feel at home here.
Mi casa es tu casa.
Yo tambiano.
Kip, I want to be just like you
when I grow up, bro.
- You want to go upstairs?
- Show us the way, dude.
- Show us the way.
- Pornos.
- Nice.
- Lots of porn;
...learn the techniques.
I'm serious, you really have to watch.
God, I gotta get
a better security system.
Oh, wow! This place just got
a whole lot more whack.
I thought you guys were
watching the back door, and not hers.
- Hey, Gwen. Good to see you.
- Let's talk.
Come on. I don't want to fight anymore.
All right? Let's have a little talk.
Now look,
we don't need to fight.
- Now what do you need?
- Nothing.
- Money?
- No.
Of course.
How about drugs?
No, Dad.
Are you pregnant?
Gwen: Yes, Dad!
I'm so pregnant right now,
it's not even funny.
- No!
- I didn't think so...
'cause your husband's gay!
Ho!
Like a homosexual!
- Okay. You done?
- Now what's wrong, honey?
- Let's talk.
- Nothing...
No, we can talk.
Now's a good time to talk.
I'm gonna go to my room.
Okay?
Stop!
I don't think so.
- Share your feelings.
- Yeah, share your feelings.
You know, for... whoa.
That was... Can you just...
...like, when me and him are...
I don't know if you realized this,
but there was two men talking...
...and you just kind of
butted in there.
It's not your fault,
but just learn.
Yeah.
- Hey, what the fuck?
- Look what I found.
Buzz, who is that?
What? I'm getting laid. I thought
that's what you wanted from me.
Yeah, well, you know,
I recognize her, all right?
That's a...
that's a prostitute.
This is my girlfriend, all right?
I might be paying her, but shit.
You're not spending my money for
some skanky two-bit ho.
Hey, listen, I can't
make you happy, okay?
You want me to fuck;
you don't want me to fuck.
- What's it gonna be?
- With all the girls here...
...you've got to pick
a prostitute?
Hey, they don't have any
experience like she's got.
- That's right.
- She knows what to do with her...
- Yeah, she teaches me things...
- I please this man.
...I don't even need to know, buddy.
- Okay, she can stay.
- Guys: Awesome!
You know what?
I think I want some dick in me.
Yes. I want to put Mr. Dickie in...
See, it's all one big
happy family, honey.
- Right. I'm going to my room.
- Just...
- Wait... wait a second.
- I'm going to my room!
- Honey?
- I'm still holding out for Mrs. Apple!
I show up to art class for
the first time whole semester...
Mrs. Apple gets naked.
I would have showed up every day
if somebody would've told me that.
Miss Apple is
the most phenomenal-looking...
...teacher I've ever seen.
She makes me never
want to cut again.
Yeah, well, I'm afraid I've been
tapping that lately, fellows.
Awesome!
- Whoo! Wait a sec...
- No.
- That's not awesome.
- That's not awesome, man.
That's the most unawesome thing
I've ever heard of actually.
Wait. You're not gonna let one bad
Apple come between...
...a bunch of great guys.
Thank you for the drinks.
Thank you for the funny puns.
I'm go... I'm going home.
Say it's not true, Kip.
Take it back.
I'm sorry.
I'm going home.
Hey, Matt! Matt. Jonny?
Wait. Wait now...
Matt:
I love her and you...
Jonny?
Eh, he'll walk it off.
Don't worry.
Kip'll make it better. So...
Oh hi, girl.
So let's get the party going, huh?
Okay, group kiss.
Group kiss.
'Kay!
- Jonny!
- Why are you girls still dressed?
I enjoyed that.
I'm glad.
So let's go inside
and make a baby.
I'm not gonna
have sex with you.
Gwen's gone.
I'm here.
Let's look at the facts:
we're the most popular kids in school.
Let's make a baby.
It's just me and you...
...and endless nights of
making babies.
Fuck.
I think you're a really great girl...
...and I had so much fun tonight.
I...
I haven't done anything
like this in a long time.
You know, people... People think
being married is so great...
...but it's really not...
...especially at
such a young age.
Like, you think
you have everything.
You know you want to like me.
She'll understand.
Ow.
God, why are you
making this so difficult?
I'll see you tomorrow.
#Let it come true #
#Come true #
#Let it come true... #
Purple.
What does purple mean?
Shhhh...
Okay, we'll disregard this one.
Okay, last one.
Come on, negative negative negative...
Aww!
Ew, that's so gross.
Come on.
Eww.
Ooh! Another negative.
Yeah!
So that makes three positive...
...three negative...
...and three inconclusive.
I thought these things were supposed
to be, like, 98% accurate.
People, please!
Let's maintain some order here.
Order? I will not have my daughter
exposed to this indecency.
Man: For this,
the senior trip is canceled!
Yeah, we must police
these sexual deviants!
He can't do his job!
We need a new principal!
All:
Yeah! Yes!
- Get out!
- You're outrageous!
- Outrageous!
- Outrageous!
- Out!
- Despicable.
- Get out of here.
- Unacceptable!
- We don't want you here anymore.
- Out!
We don't need sexual
perverts like yourself.
Mann: Attention, maggots. Due to
the lewd and unusual "fornification"
...of that cunt... Er, I mean Gwen...
...your senior trip
will be canceled...
...and I will also be
standing down as principal...
...leaving Tits Mc...
I mean, Miss Apple...
...as acting principal.
I will be available via video chat
for comments.
Mr. Mann.
Principal Mann.
- I am acting as principal now.
- I'm the principal!
- I'm acting as principal now.
- I'm the principal.
- I'm acting as principal now.
- I am the principal.
- I'm acting as principal now.
- I'm the principal.
What a bitch.
Yeah... A bitch.
Oh, girls, look who's crying.
Oooh!
- Little girl wanna cry?
- Get away from me.
- You're pathetic!
- Ow.
You know, I'm so happy...
...that I get to be
the first one to tell you this...
...but Holden's going with me to prom.
Did I stutter?
I said your husband,
Holden Adams...
- is going with me, Hilary Weiss.
- Yeah.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
You know...
...it's been my dream
and this day has finally come.
But guess who's gonna
be prom queen?
It's gonna be me.
Ladies and gentlemen,
it is Tuesday.
Take one, pass it back.
Do not kill yourselves...
...until after you've failed.
Boy: Guys, remember what
Coach said:
"No pass, no play. "
Let's get a break for good luck.
Ready?
- Hey.
- Don't "hey" me.
What are you mad about now?
Hilary, prom... Hello.
- You know?
- She told me.
- Um, I'm not really sure about it.
- Why would you consider it?
Why wouldn't you
come home with me?
Look, I'm sorry.
But guess who's gonna
be prom queen?
It's gonna be me!
It's gonna be me... Be me...
Let's make a baby... Be me...
...ha ha ha... Be me...
#I've been waiting for
the right time #
#So the lights can
open my eyes #
#Wonderin' if I'll ever change #
#Or if I'll stay the same #
#I'm not afraid of what
I'm doing to myself... #
Yo...
What, did your fucking
puppy dog die?
How bad did you do?
Check out mine.
All you did was draw
a picture of a naked woman.
Duh!
Have fun in Lameville.
Why did he slap me?
I'm sorry.
I didn't write anything.
Oh. Then you fail. Goodbye.
- What?
- You fail.
That's how it works:
you don't do nothing, you get nothing.
- No.
- Don't cry.
- I don't like to see crying.
- Theodore.
Yeah, babe?
There's something I've
been meaning to tell you.
- What's that, pumpkin?
- These are divorce papers.
We're getting a divorce.
Here.
T- T-t-this is ludicrous,
Becky... Ludicrous.
We're happily married.
Well...
...let me figure out a way
to force you into it...
...and I'll get back to you.
#Oh, no... #
Whooo!
#I heard you cry... #
Gwen?
Gwen?
Gwen:
This is the little girls' room.
Hey, it's me.
I'm not feeling too good.
Yeah?
I love you.
If I was going to college, um...
I'd want to go single.
Gwen...
...you're saying some pretty
hard things to me right now.
I want to take a break.
We're married!
We're married, remember?
- We have a cool life together...
- Come on.
I'm sorry.
I think we need to
get a divorce.
#The sky turns gray #
#As we drive away #
#And we still #
#Break and then fall away #
#When the sea... #
Hello, child.
You look lovely tonight.
Don't walk away from me.
I didn't move.
I know.
I can see you better than
you can see yourself.
I'll bring you
some baby oil.
Oh, my seed...
...your aura looks pained...
...but I can bring a smile
to your tortured soul.
I have a surprise for you.
Come, let me
show you the way.
Get a drink.
I'm only 18.
So Jell-O shot?
No!
Show me the surprise.
Oh, want your surprise?
Okay.
Okay, I realize that...
...well, I haven't been
the best father.
I've had this epiphany.
I finally...
finally see the light.
And when you see this surprise,
I think you will understand.
Close your eyes, sweetheart.
Stay right there. Okay?
Okay, open them.
- Surprise!
- Surprise!
We're getting married.
That's not a pony.
Yeah, but I'm gonna ride it
like a racehorse.
Yes!
Oh my God,
you guys are adorable.
Oh, let me join this beautiful circle
you guys have going on here.
Please do.
- We're missing you, man.
- Gwen?
Come here. I am so so glad
we talked today.
I mean, you have so many things
going through your head...
...and I've been really
worried about you.
- Oh.
- Really?
Just lay your head down.
And I love the family...
...and that's the biggest thing, man.
God. What if me and Gwen
got married too?
- We could be like a big family.
- That would be awesome.
It would be amazing.
You are adorable, by the way.
- I...
- Thank you!
- That's so hot that you just did that.
- Son-in-law.
I think about you a lot...
all the time, actually.
Look, we could get together,
take it slow...
...and maybe I could learn
to love you and shit.
I don't know. Just maybe
we should give it a try.
I think it's the best thing
possible for you.
'Cause it's all about family, right?
- It is.
- Yes!
- Absolutely.
- Absolutely.
God, you are just something else.
- Oh, so are you!
- Thank you.
We should let the girls talk...
- We should.
- ...Get to know each other.
Let's go do some drugs...
Dad!
Oh, son!
Let's do it.
Okay? This is gonna be great.
You're gonna love it.
- I'll miss you!
- I promise.
Don't go anywhere.
I'll be right back.
I'm gonna get you some drinks because
you look pretty rough right now.
- Okay?
- Oh, baby baby...
All right. And you... I'm gonna
think about you later.
You're just... You little vixen you.
You're the best.
You are the best. Ow!
I don't think so.
You answer to me, bitch.
You like me like that?
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Harder harder. Oh.
You are great. Yes.
- Come on, boy.
- It's like fucking a meat cave.
Harder, baby. Harder.
- Yes, there you go.
- Oh, shit.
By the way, I'm pregnant.
Fuck it, it's not my kid.
Mmm! Mmm!
Hello?
If I stomp my foot
and snap my fingers...
...it means come with!
Hello?
Jonny, I am not a lamp post...
I am a girl. Okay?
Well, I don't care if
you're a fucking desk.
All right? If I snap my fingers,
that specifically means...
...come with me, because I am the man
and I'm awesome.
Snap fingers, come with...
let's go.
I am sick of your...
"Oh, I'm Jonny Awesome.
I'm so sweet! I wear tank tops
and work out...
...and get a pedicure every
Monday, Wednesday and Friday. "
I hope you go prematurely bald!
Ha!
That Rogaine is not mine!
Oh, fine then!
Go!
Just leave.
Go! Go!
Stupid, lying, stupid!
Messed up again and stupid.
Oh, God!
Ahhh, no!
You guys are still here.
Gwen:
What an idiot.
- I'm gonna go.
- Bye.
So let's recap:
I'm the youngest
divorcee in history;
I'm failing history class;
I'm an unpopular whore who
ruined the senior trip...
...and got Principal Mann fired;
I might be pregnant; some chick from
my school just became my mom;
...and my ex is taking
the anti-Christ to prom.
Don't think you're gonna see
my vajayjay.
Should I hang myself?
"Definitely yes. "
You had to add the "definitely. "
Kip: Yeah, things just aren't the same
since my loser daughter showed up...
...marital problem. I don't even know
why people get married.
I mean, my God.
I mean, what do you need
to get married for?
It's all about fornication.
Who needs a piece
of paper for that?
I gotta get out of the house, Apple.
You gotta help me out here.
Meet me tomorrow
in the dumpsters.
Let's get trashy.
Thanks, Dad.
I think I actually have a plan.
Principal Mann?
- Who are you?
- It's me, Gwen Adams.
What do you want?
I think I can help you
get your school back...
...if you'll help me graduate.
What's your plan?
Meet me by
the dumpsters tomorrow.
And bring Mr. Seuss.
Me and Seuss will meet you
by the dumpsters tomorrow.
Kip:
Who's your friend?
Tiffany.
Well, I have one rule:
...no fat chicks.
Are you not convinced yet?
Maybe they're looking for something.
Oh, I love it when
you're trashy! Ha ha!
Yeah, he's looking for something:
her vajayjay.
Your name may be Apple but
I want to see those melons.
This is the perfect opportunity
to get some dirt on her.
You'll get your life back and
I'm gonna reclaim my school.
This is what we're gonna do:
We're gonna tape them
and once we have the evidence...
...we're gonna watch them
squirm like worms.
I still love her.
- Mmmmm!
- Yeah.
I gotta get a better screening
process for my teachers.
Come to Papa!
Oh, baby!
Please explode and kill me.
I don't like coffee;
she likes coffee.
She likes a lot of other things.
- Hey, Mr. Seuss.
- Hey, Candi.
I need you to
sign these for me.
Sure sure.
What am I signing?
Well, they're divorce papers
from Miss Apple.
She doesn't even have the guts
to divorce me in person?
- She sends her little pet fembot!
- I'm a teacher.
We had a love story
right out of Shakespeare.
You tell her that I will not
give her a divorce.
we're gonna have a honeymoon in hell.
Right. Of course.
- I'll be back.
- Okay.
You have a great day.
It was so good seeing you. Bye.
See ya.
Seuss, Seuss,
why the long face, buddy?
- You're not even faculty!
- Look. Look.
I have a little gift from
your soon-to-be-ex wife.
- Oh, I can guess what this is!
- Ha ha ha ha!
Hey, we wash our
vegetables in there.
You know, I also don't appreciate
your little parking-lot performance...
- A few minutes ago.
- Oh, you saw that?
Everybody saw that. My principal
saw that. I'm not gonna get tenure.
Did your wife use to be a gymnast?
I mean, she's flexible.
You don't even go here.
You know...
Seuss, Seuss, Seuss, Seuss,
this is a good thing.
Do you know what?
It's man's nature to be free.
You're now set free. The whole
horizon is out there for you.
Making love to my wife
on a pile of trash!
Aren't women impossible?
Don't worry, buddy. You're gonna
feel better. I promise you.
Hang in there.
Now if you want to keep talking...
...you can find me.
Just follow the essence...
- I'll find you. I'll find you.
- ...Of your wife's vagina.
Put your severed head on...
Hilary: And I decided we
are having a bikini prom!
All right. Whoo!
- Are you ready?
- Yeah. Let's do it.
Okay.
Get your dad's cell phone and text
Miss Apple. Here is her number.
- Consider it done.
- And Gwen?
This better work.
Dad?
- Dad?
- Wait your turn.
- Dad!
- Okay.
- Gwen? What do you want?
- Girl: Ew.
I just need to
borrow the phone.
Oh. What, are you calling
the courthouse for divorce papers?
- No.
- Then I don't think I can help you.
- Dad, it's...
- Girl: Bye bye.
Look, if you need it that bad, it's in
my pants. I kinda got my hands full.
Jonny:
... Coach. Thank you so much.
Jonny:
Coach, everybody! Yeah! Whoo!
- He's sexy. Isn't he sexy?
- Matt: He is.
Jonny: Man, I would fuck... Okay.
So anyway...
...let's move the... Oh, Kip Dick!
- Kip Dick! Whoo!
- Kip Dick!
Yo, Awesome,
you are the man!
No, Kip, you the man.
I tell you, Awesome, you ever thought
about being my son?
- You should marry my daughter.
- Does she give oral yet?
I do.
Hey, let's give it up again
for Kip Dick!
Awesome!
Gwen: By setting up Miss Apple, I was
killing three birds with one stone:
...helping Mann get his job back...
...getting a little retribution
for Seuss...
...not to mention
teaching my dad a lesson.
This was supposed to
be done hours ago.
Goddamn Alice.
Last time I was in
a boys' locker room...
- Oh, yeah, the gang-bang.
- We remember.
You guys, we gotta hurry.
Great plan, Mann...
nowhere to hide.
Shh!
Everyone hide!
Hey, I bet they're doing it
right now.
- Thank you.
- That means they're gonna have sex.
Hide!
Whoo! Oh!
Apple?
I got what you want.
Ah, there you are.
Come to Papa.
You make me feel like a princess.
Well, good.
Note to princess:
...lose the skirt.
I had no idea you were into
these smelly jockstraps...
...but whatever works
for you, baby.
Yeah.
Oh, baby.
You've been a bad girl.
You've been a bad girl!
Miss Apple:
Ooh, yes, spank me.
- Ooh!
- Pull my hair!
- Yeah!
- Oh!
I'm gonna ride you into
the sunset, baby. Whooo!
Oh oh, yes!
Oh, yes! Ooh!
Oh yeah, oh yeah!
Oh, pull my hair.
Spank my ass!
Yes. Oh, yes.
Kip: You gotta spank me too, baby.
Ooh, I love that.
I love that.
Spank me again.
Oh, yes yes yes yes yes!
Oh, yeah, baby!
Whooo-aaaaah!
Candi: Kip, you were supposed to
meet my parents today!
Hey, what are you... Oh!
Oh, bag shot! Oh!
God, oh, Jeez!
God, someone's pussy smells.
Get off me!
God! God!
- Jesus.
- Kip...
I asked you if there was anyone else
and you said no.
I don't like it when
men lie to me.
Well, honey...
...are we cool now?
Yeah, we're cool.
Franklin's gonna buy Candi
and I dinner tonight...
...while we talk about
what a dick you are.
And after that, we're gonna have hot
lesbian sex in my hot tub.
- Can I watch?
- I don't think so, Kip. We're done.
But I love Candi and Apples.
Wait, I got a KD Lang CD.
I'll drive.
Halt. Hey, Gwen,
how you doin'?
Awesome.
Listen, you know...
...with everything that's going on...
you know...
- Your man's out mingling with...
- Husband.
...every other... whatever.
Point of the matter is...
I got to thinking and I thought,
you know...
- Maybe me and you should go.
- Where?
Prom.
- Ha! Duh!
- You're asking me to prom?
We could. Yeah.
- No.
- Uh, no? Ha! That's my answer to you.
'Cause I'm not gonna go to prom
with you. You're pretty horrible.
Mann: Attention, munchkin turds...
Miss Apple has a few
recorded words for you...
Yes, spank me!
Pull my hair.
Mann: Now with that being said...
Miss Apple,
I'm really gonna miss you.
Principal Mann?
Hold on, Alice.
Go ahead, Gwenn.
- We make a great team.
- Thanks, Gwen.
I couldn't have got the school
back without you.
Aww!
Looks like we won't
be seeing you next year.
Thank God.
First I need a date...
...but there's only two viable options:
Jonny or Matt.
Jonny...
Matt.
Ech!
Jonny, Matt.
Jonny.
Matt.
Jonny, Matt.
Jonny, Matt... Matt, Jonny.
Jonny, Matt. Matt Matt Matt.
Jonny, Matt.
Jonny, Jonny... Jonny, Jonny.
Jonny.
Hey, Jonny.
Imitating Chinese voice:
How are you? You still cry?
I'm not crying.
Oh, you wanna go
prom with Jonny?
- You want...
- Yeah, let's do prom.
He give you fruity wooty...
...which is Chinese for
"fuck your brain out"!
And now I need
the perfect outfit.
#Whoa-oh whoa-oh #
#Whoa-oh whoa-oh #
#Another Friday night,
I'm waiting by the phone #
#You're hanging with your friends... #
No?
#I'm better off alone #
#Yeah, we had plans tonight,
they must have slipped your mind #
#And you think I'd go... #
I wonder where Holden is.
Nope. Over it!
#But boy, I've been feeling this way #
#So long,
you should have seen me #
#Climb on #
#It's all your fault,
I'm running out of reasons #
#I'm not leaving,
I'm already gone #
#So long #
#Whoa-oh whoa-oh #
#By tomorrow night,
I'll be having fun #
#'Cause I got lots of friends
who never liked you none #
#Don't try to call me now,
I know your talk is cheap #
#And all I have to say is
leave a message at the beep #
#If I were you,
I wouldn't wait or bleed #
#'Cause boy, you're gonna
have to wait #
#So long #
#You should have seen me
climb on #
#It's all your fault,
I'm running out of reasons #
#I'm not leaving,
I'm already gone #
#So goodbye, good luck to you #
#You can't hurt me anymore!
I'm so far over you #
#Already out the door... #
So Hilary might have
a larger booty...
...but I have brains.
- Oh, yeah!
- It's me!
- I'm so excited! It's prom! It's prom!
- Whooo!
Goin' to prom!
Yeah!
Aren't you gonna close the door?
Oh.
You're welcome.
I'm just messing with you.
You look... Good.
What's with the Sith Lord thing?
Whoo, it's Gwen Adams!
I'm just kidding.
Wanna make out?
Not yet. Let's wait.
What's with the cheetah bra?
Raar! I just want to bite
into those breasts.
Aren't you excited?
Prom!
- Is that my boy Jonny?
- Kip Dick!
Love the vest.
My God, you look hot.
- Ooh, big night tonight.
- Yeah!
- Ha!
- Errrr!
Yoink. Mr. Dick!
Whoo! What's up, man?
Let's do it.
Come on.
- Yes!
- Wait, don't forget me.
Yeah.
Prom rules!
Whoo! Well, come on, honey.
We gotta get there.
- Get inside.
- Gonna be awesome.
Ah, yes!
- Whoo-hoo!
- Yeah.
You know, if you need a little
road head, I won't be in the way.
Come on, baby.
Prom night.
Hey!
What the fuck?
Fuckin' cocksuckers.
I wanted to go to prom.
#Everyone is always on the go #
#Gotta get to school
or my mom will know #
#Barely made the bus,
you know I'm late to class#
#If I don't get there in time,
she's gonna kick my ass #
#Yeah, it's a good social program #
#Where all the kids can
go uptown #
#Yeah, it's a new way
to know that #
#Everything's okay #
#Barely made the bus,
you know I'm late to class#
#If I don't get there on time,
she's gonna kick my ass #
#Yeah, it's a good
social program #
#Where all the kids
can go uptown #
#Yeah, it's a new way
to know that #
#Everything's okay #
#Ooh, it doesn't
get much better #
#Never thought I'd ever
play the fool #
#Everything I need's in
my American high school #
#Oh, Lord, it doesn't
get much better #
#Never thought I'd ever
play the fool #
#Everything I need... #
Hell of a party, huh?
Doogie, what are you
doing here?
Me? I'm on call.
Any of the girls drink too much,
I'm gonna give them a breathalyzer.
I brought something
for them to blow on.
Listen, I see kids like you
all the time...
...you don't know if
you're coming or going.
I know I haven't come in a long time.
I just went... I'd gone.
But you don't know if
you're coming or going.
You need to have more confidence.
You need to, you know...
- I know.
- ...Take a risk, you know?
Whoa, wait a minute.
I see your guy dancing
with another girl.
Yeah, you know why he's with
that lady blonde?
- Why?
- I'll tell you why.
There's a lot of reasons.
One of them come to mind:
she's fuckable...
...and you're sitting here with
a guy with a mustache...
...and a two-inch penis.
- Oh!
- I know.
Lower.
Yeah.
You need to go
after what you want.
Thanks.
Listen, I'm not
picking sides, okay?
There are no sides, okay?
There's one thing
that controls relationships.
What's that?
The penis. Yeah.
Let me ask you this: What does a guy
with a 12-inch penis eat for breakfast?
I don't know.
What do they eat?
Let's see, this morning
I had waffles...
...uh, some jelly on some toast.
But listen, you need to
move forward.
- You've got to stop looking backward.
- I know.
You need more confidence.
I know you have it.
- Okay?
- Thanks, Doogie.
You're welcome.
Gwen: Doogie's the best, isn't he?
- You want to fuck or not?
- What?
God!
#They got me thinking naughty #
#And I want to put my hands
on that booty... Booty #
#Not trying to offend you #
#But I want to
get up in you #
#I can't hold it back,
you're so sexy... #
Good evening, boys and girls!
All:
Good evening, Mr. Mann.
Thank you.
It's been a good night.
Man, you rock!
Right back at ya, sweet pea.
All right, this is the main part
of our ceremony.
It's the climax of the prom.
And that means it's
queen time!
So let's have those ladies
move to the front right now.
With that being said...
...our prom queen is...
Gwen Adams!
Thattagirl!
Let's give it up for Gwen Adams.
Gwen: Oh, I almost feel bad.
Yeah, right!
At this point, you probably think
I cheated the system, huh?
I mean, I didn't even
campaign that hard.
But you're wrong:
I won fair and square.
Well, almost.
Don't judge me.
You would have done
the same thing.
I'm proud of you, kiddo.
All right, with that being said...
...it's time for our prom king!
What you mean, "prom king"?
Oh, come on, man.
Every prom has a prom king...
- And a queen.
- You suck!
All right, I can't help that you guys
spend all your time and money...
...votin' on the hos.
So with that, I'm gonna invoke
executive decision.
Varsity champion,
our captain...
Jonny Awesome!
Awesome! Ahh!
Fifth year in a row, baby.
What!
Whoo! Ha ha! Whoo!
Whoo!
Wow. Ha ha!
This is totally unexpected.
- Totally unexpected.
- I mean, I didn't even expect it.
- Didn't expect it.
- I mean, it's a total shocker.
- It's a shocker... Capital S.
- Matty?
Uh, first I would
first and foremost...
- Like to thank...
- Bitches.
...all the bitches.
Secondly, I'd like to thank...
- Hos.
- ...All the hos.
- Thirdly, I just want to thank...
- Bitches and hos.
...all the bitches
and the hos.
- You're a ho.
- She knows she's a ho.
And I don't know why
I'm talking like a reverend...
...but I want to preach to you!
Who's gonna pledge $100?
Who's gonna pledge $100?
#Because we're awesome! #
- Ho!
- That's... That's how I sing.
Uh, Gwen? Ahem...
Ha ha.
Uh, now me and
your queen of the prom...
- Shall dance, shall we?
- Matt: Shall we dance?
Yeah, I think we're supposed to.
Awesome.
Mann: Let me get your attention.
Let me get your attention!
Allow me to introduce to you
Principal Mann's personal friend...
...international recording artist
Trini Lpez!
"La Bamba!"
You too.
You too. You too.
I'm sorry, my lips are really tired.
Maybe next time.
Come here.
Jonny shouldn't treat you like that.
Uh-oh!
I got it, I got it.
I got it.
I got it, I got it.
I always have a problem
getting it up.
Okay.
How you doin', Holden?
I'm good, buddy.
How you doin', Doogie?
Me? I'm stoned.
Hey, you want my advice?
- Not really.
- You don't want my advice?
I know you're not gonna take it.
You better list... Listen to me.
Listen to me.
That hurts, doesn't it?
No, it doesn't hurt.
I lost sensation in my left nipple...
- Is there a problem here?
- Damn.
- Huh? Is there a problem here?
- Yeah...
- Adams?
- No, I'm good.
- He's my bitch.
- What?
Sounds like you come from
a loving family there, Holden.
- It's amazing, Doogie.
- Wow.
- Doogie?
- Yeah.
Look at Gwen.
You've been examining her, right?
I'm gonna be real with you
for a second.
I want to lick her up and down
and bite her ass like a meatball.
Oh.
- You know...
- Yeah?
...I'm telling you,
fucking teenagers.
- Isn't it best?
- It is good.
Hey, Brian.
- Hi.
- Mind if I sit down?
- Hello.
- Yeah, I voted for "bush. "
Hello, lovely.
Awesome people don't do drugs,
you know what I mean?
Gwen, what are you doing?
What the fuck are you doing?
- What the fuck are you doing?
- Bro, my sash.
- Ow!
- Listen.
- Seriously, ow.
- Listen! Listen! Listen to me!
- You are so high-strung.
- Stop! No! Why are you so good-looking?
I'm sick of it. You're so awesome
and you're so good-looking and I'm not.
I'm not good-looking
and I'm not awesome!
- I know, baby. I know.
- I'm not. I'm not.
I know, I know. Come here.
Let it out.
- Just come on, let it out.
- I'm not!
I'm not and look!
- Ow! You always hit me.
- Sorry, dude.
- Oh, ow! Ow!
- Ow! Ow!
- Ow ow!
- Now you're really hitting me.
- Ow!
- You're really hitting me.
- My crown!
- Oh!
I will fuck you in the ass so fucking
hard, you have no fucking idea.
I'm just kidding.
I wouldn't hurt you.
- Yeah. Yeah. Awkward.
- Never again.
- I'm gonna leave now.
- Yeah.
Whew! Wow.
I mean, he's not
bad looking, but...
Hey.
- What?
- No pussy for you.
I will uppercut your face,
random bearded guy!
That's right. I'll do a fucking ollie
all over this skate park...
...with your fucking dick-ass
Miyagi ass!
Yeah!
- Get away from me!
- Stop! Stop.
Stop. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I love you.
I love you, Gwen.
- Really? When is that?
- Yeah.
When you're dancing with Hilary or
when you're fucking her?
She's nothing! She's nothing!
Don't ruin my night.
She's nothing!
#I gotta tell you that
I never ever felt this way... #
Ooh! There you are!
You have ruined everything.
This is my prom, okay?
You see that band over there?
That's mine.
This whole entire prom is mine.
Everybody here is
for me, okay?
And you are ruining it!
Listen, the only reason
that you are even here...
...that you are even in this place
is because of me...
...is because I want to be
prom queen!
And it's not because of me,
it's all me! Don't you get it?
It's all about me and me...
Fuck you, slut!
Oh my God.
Did you see that?
She just got hit in the face.
Of course I saw it.
- You just got hit in your face.
- Oh my God.
I'm gonna throw my peanuts at you
'cause you're stupid.
- Let's go kick a puppy.
- Oh, is there a puppy here?
That's it... Just mess with it a little.
I haven't seen
your dad in a minute.
He's with Zoey.
Oh!
He's probably banging her right now.
Awesome!
Why do you always say "awesome"?
I mean, we get it.
Yeah, you're so awesome.
You wear the hat.
"Ooh, awesome!
Awesomeness, man!"
You're a bitch. Yeah.
No wonder Holden divorced you.
Suck a dick for crying out loud.
Suck my dick, okay?
You're sucking my dick,
trust me...
...all of a sudden
the frown is upside down.
You be all like, "Thank you, Jonny.
Thank you for that cock. "
And I'll be like, "No problem.
You want some more cock?"
And then you'll be like,
"Yes, please. "
And I'll be like, "No problem.
Got plenty of cock here. "
And it'll be great!
And you'll be like...
...on account of my great girth.
- Yeah!
- Wow.
See, look. Yeah.
You're opening up already.
Look, you're going through
a divorce...
...which, by the way, sucks!
I mean, you graduate high school like,
"Hey, I'm divorced already...
...and I'm boring
on top of that. "
Nobody wants to eat that cake.
The point is,
you're having fun now;
...it's prom night;
you got a crown tonight, right?
- We both got crowns.
- Yeah.
- Now come on.
- I did.
Let's have some fun.
What do you say?
Okay.
Awesome!
Ow.
- What!
- What?
You were, like, practically
asking for it. What are you doing?
Where... why are you leaving?
Don't leave.
Oh... Ho!
Ha! Yeah, leave.
Ha. Ha.
I'm so stupid!
Oh, no!
#You're feeling kinda sad #
#You've been a little bad #
#To the girl who
was just in your car #
#And now she's gone away #
- # And never gonna stay... #
- What are you doing?
Get it together, man.
I'm cheering you up.
I'm making fun of this situation.
Look at you:
you're a disgrace.
Hey, look at me, look at me,
look at me.
- Can't!
- What is your name? Huh?
What is your name?
J- J-J-J...
J... What's your name?
- Jonny.
- Jonny. That's right. That's right.
Students, parents and faculty...
...welcome to the commencement
ceremonies for American High School.
Principal Mann
wanted to be here today...
...but something very important
came up at the last minute.
So now I ask you to stand up
and receive your diplomas.
Gwen: So I actually made it to
graduation without bailing out.
Doogie was right:
...all I needed was
a little confidence.
I may not have aced Seuss's class,
but I sure did learn a lot...
...about who I am
and what I want in life.
Seuss: I enjoyed your brave
struggle against alcoholism.
Jonny? Jonny, I say.
- Wha' is it, Matt?
- Well, wha' it is is...
...prom was so much fun, I think it's
the littl' things that matter.
And the littl' things like
her not makin' prom queen...
...were very very excitin'
and fun to me.
I think that the fact that
I won the crown durin' prom...
- is totally fantabulous.
- Shut up!
I must've drunk me about
seven aluminum cans of Guinness.
I don' know what you're sayin',
but all I heard was...
- Prom was awesome, I got a crown...
- Shut up!
Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
the graduating class...
...of American High School!
Well, I'm glad it's finally over.
Closure can be
a beautiful thing.
I really don't think
graduation's that important.
I was talking about
the divorce papers.
Hey. Hey, don't be so
hard on yourself.
You gave it
your best shot, right?
You know what I don't
understand, though?
I mean, people look at me...
...they seem to forget that
I'm a dad too.
I mean, all I ever wanted was
for my little girl to be happy.
You know what?
She nearly had me convinced...
...that you were the one.
Gwen: And even more surprisingly...
...my dad stuck up for me
for once.
He may have actually
turned over a new leaf.
To be honest, I never thought
she'd sign the papers.
Are you really gonna
marry this guy?
Are you serious?
This is a very rich man.
Sometimes you just gotta
go with the flow.
Who says life is fair, huh?
I'm gonna go munch me
some Candi.
I want a little pussy.
I mean, why not?
I got a dick; I could stick it in,
have a good time.
Fuck!
What kind of a classless whore
would fuck TeePee?
One that I'm in love with?
Yeah, perfect.
Maybe this'll kill me.
Hilary, Hilary, Hilary.
- Hey, bitch.
- Whoo hoo.
- Hey, loser.
- Couldn't help but notice...
...a lack of something up here...
a lot of space.
Lack of brains. I think you
wish you were awesome.
Gwen: After Hilary lost prom queen...
...things kind of started
falling apart for her.
I guess she finally learned
an age-old lesson:
quit being such a whore!
We are so not friends anymore.
I've always hated you.
- Always.
- Bitch.
I wouldn't bang you
with TeePee's dick.
Yeah, bitch.
- Bitch.
- Bitch.
And you got a fat ass, whore.
- And big arms.
- Yeah, I said it: whore!
- Huge!
- Three times: whore.
Hey, I don't want to interrupt
the pity party over here...
...but... You know, I'm no math
major or anything...
...but there's one of me, two of you.
What do you say we add each other up...
- And have a foursome?
- Can't wait!
- I love it!
- Later, bitches.
- I am awesome!
- Bye.
You know, now that you're not hanging
out with old hair extensions...
I thought maybe we could...
- Just the two of us.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- All three?
Wh-what? No.
What the fuck?
Don't tell anybody about this, TeePee,
but I'm desperate.
Ooh, a gummy worm.
That teeth thing
creeped me out.
I put 'em in!
So that's me:
school-conquering...
...man-eating, Satan-slaying...
...independent me.
And this time, I'm in charge.
Oh, and I almost forgot...
I'm not pregnant!
Sometimes life really blows.
But it's up to you to sit back...
...relax, and enjoy the blowjob.
So after graduation...
Hilary started her own
mentors' program...
...to teach young girls
the importance of confidence...
...and aim.
It was very successful.
It would have it that Jonny,
Matt and Holden started a boy band.
Three guesses what
their name was.
Shocking, I know.
More shocking...
...is that their record
actually hit top 10.
Worst records ever!
Candi cleaned up Kip's act...
...and the two of them opened up
a rape-help clinic for young women.
They're both very happy.
Principal Mann and Miss Apple ended up
reconciling their differences...
...and found love...
with one another.
Don't feel bad for Mr. Seuss, though.
The PTA declared him principal.
And as for me,
who knows what's next?
That's kind of the great part.
The world is my non-conflict diamond...
...or oyster or whatever.
And if Hilary taught me anything...
...it's to go after what I want
with everything in me.
And as I recently discovered,
that happens to be a lot.
#One, two #
#Now it's true, you gotta go
go, get out on your own #
#You gotta be free,
I can do it alone #
#You know I owe it
all to you #
#One, two,
now we're through #
#Well, I fought off my demons #
#I've saved the world
#I'm so sick of screaming #
#That I'm weak in the knees #
#Now I know what
you're thinking #
#But you should know
that I don't care #
#I'm so moving on #
#'Cause you'll never
be pleased #
#Now I can turn
my head off #
#Relax, put down my hair #
#I can do it
in one shot #
#I can make you
disappear #
#You gotta go, go
get out on your own #
#You gotta be free,
I can do it alone #
#You know I owe it
all to you #
#One, two,
now we're through #
#You gotta go, go
get out on your own #
#You gotta be free,
I can do it alone #
#You know I owe it
all to you #
#One, two,
now we're through #
#go, go get out on your own #
#You gotta be free,
I can do it alone #
#You know I owe it
all to you #
#One, two,
now we're through #
#You gotta go, baby, go
get out on your own #
#You gotta be free,
I can do it alone #
#You know I owe it
all to you #
#One, two,
now we're through #
#You gotta go, go
get out on your own #
#You gotta be free,
I can do it alone #
#You know I owe it
all to you #
#One, two,
now we're through #
#You gotta go, baby, go
get out on your own #
#You gotta be free,
I can do it alone #
#You know I owe it
all to you #
#One, two,
now we're through. #
#Everyone is always on the go #
#Gotta get to school
or my mom will know #
#Barely made the bus,
you know I'm late to class #
#If I don't get there in time,
she's gonna kick my ass #
#Yeah, it's a good social program #
#Where all the kids can
go uptown #
#Yeah, it's a new way
to know that #
#Everything's okay #
#Barely made the bus,
you know I'm late to class #
#If I don't get there on time,
she's gonna kick my ass #
#Yeah, it's a good
social program #
#Where all the kids
can go uptown #
#Yeah, it's a new way
to know that #
#Everything's okay #
#Ooh, it doesn't
get much better #
#Never thought I'd ever
play the fool #
#Everything I need... #