AmeriQua (2013) Movie Script
1
[Burly rustic music]
[Rootsy rock music]
[Cell phone ringing]
Bonk!
- Oh, sorry.
- You're fucking useless.
You know that we have to get out
of this place today.
- I--I said I'm sorry.
- Yes.
- Punk.
- I'll get you a box.
- Hello.
- Hello, Charlie?
- Oh, no.
- What?
- Hey, mom.
I was just packing.
I'm moving out of my house.
- Charlie, listen.
I've spoken with your father.
- You guys never talk.
- I haven't been able
to reach you
in an entire week, Charlie.
- I don't know why
you're calling me right now.
You knew
that I was moving out today.
I mean, I'm really busy.
I have a ton of stuff to pack.
- Yes, I know.
Did you know
that it's almost noon?
- Of course.
I just got back from the gym.
- Oh, come on, Charlie.
I'm your mother.
Charlie, what are you doing
with your life?
- What do--
- I should have insisted
that you get that m.B.A.
Oh, I don't know
what I'm getting so upset about.
Who knows?
Maybe you'll be--
maybe you'll--
you'll...
Be something.
- What--
what are you talking about?
- We've decided to cut you off.
- No--I mean--what?
You're doing what?
- We're stopping, Charlie.
We're done.
- Mom, I just graduated.
Come on.
I--of course I'm gonna find
a job,
but I want to find a good job,
and so I'm gonna take my time
to find it.
- I spoke with James whittaker.
[Menacing string music]
He's had your resume for months,
and you haven't had
the decency to call him back.
- You're cutting me off because
I didn't call James whittaker?
- You have to get a job,
Charlie.
You have to support yourself.
- Support myself?
What do you mean?
- Listen, Charlie.
No.
We've decided to give you some
money to help you get started,
but you have to be responsible
and independent.
- Mom--
- I'll have my assistant
transfer $5,000 to your account.
- $5,000?
- Oh, and listen, Charlie,
please don't call your father.
This is the first thing
in the last ten years
we've decided together on.
- Okay.
Thanks.
- Who called?
- That was my mother.
And not carrying good news.
I am no longer a welcome member
in the Edwards' household.
They've cut me off,
and I was given a severance fee
of $5,000
and a nice pat on the ass.
Can't go home.
Can't stay here.
- You know, at least you got
that five grand.
I mean, that's workable.
- It's not much to work with.
That's, like, what,
I don't know,
three months of rent?
- No, Charlie, look.
You could buy something nice
for yourself,
you know, get a fucking maid.
You could go somewhere.
There's all types of shit
that you can do with five grand.
- Yes, like go somewhere,
somewhere far away.
Charlie Edwards takes
his last hurrah,
ride into the sunset
with his two-string guitar.
- [Chuckles]
- [Imitates metal guitar solo]
- You're a fucking clown.
- I should really learn how
to play this thing.
Into the box.
[Upbeat rock music]
- [Whistles]
[Tires squealing]
- I am your captain
who is speaking.
We have reached our cruising
altitude of 10,000 meters.
Flying time to Rome is estimated
at 7 hours and 45 minutes,
piu 'o meno.
We have turned off
the seat belt sign,
and you are now free
to move about the cabin.
If you feel very free,
move into my cabin.
- I have no corkscrew.
We have to suffer.
Magic.
- It's the American way
to open a bottle.
- Well, please have
the first drink.
- Thank you.
- The cork is inside,
so we're going
to have to finish it.
- Thank you.
- I smell wine.
What kind of wine do you have?
- I mean, see for yourself.
- Ah, no.
Let me see the other one.
Give me.
Give, give.
Ah, negroamaro.
This is from salento,
near my home.
We will drink this one.
Della bologna.
Nice to meet you.
Ciao.
- Ciao.
- Lele.
Ciao.
Lele.
Ciao. Ciao.
- Open, open.
Open this bottle.
- God, I'm not gonna feel
my finger for a month.
- A month?
A month is nothing.
My whole life,
I want to come to America.
- And?
Did you have any fun?
[Sirens wailing]
- Please.
Let me stay here!
Tell her, bitch!
I want to be an American.
Tell her!
- Fellas, put him back
on the plane.
- [Speaking italian]
No, no!
- You can't say that
to a woman in America.
Maybe, like, you should have
taken another English class
before going.
- His English is not so bad.
- Grazie.
- My American friend,
I am sorry.
I did not mean to insult.
We need more dialogue
between our countries.
- Yes!
- We need to fix
this relationship
between Italy and America, no?
We need to talk.
Principessa.
Pretty lady.
What's your name?
- Alessia.
- Alessia?
[Speaking Italian]
- So, alessia, why were you
in New York?
Were you in America?
- I was there for one year,
but when I broke up
with my boyfriend,
I decided to come home.
- Broke up with your boyfriend?
It's so sad.
[Speaking Italian]
- Also because American men
are so full of themselves.
- Si,i'd agree.
American men are so full--
agree, agree.
- Lele, what do you do?
- I am the king of bologna.
- You're the king of bologna?
- [Mockingly]
You're the king of bologna?
Yes, I am the king of bologna.
Charlie,
come visit me in bologna,
and I will show you the city.
It's my city.
It's my kingdom.
Here is my card.
Take it.
Alessia...
[Speaking Italian]
- But--
- [speaking italian]
Later.
So...
- Uh, lele.
[Both speaking Italian]
[Swaggering big band music]
- I'm sorry.
Do you want your book back?
- Uh, no, I don't need it
anymore.
Thank you.
- Attention, all passengers.
Rome airport has phoned us.
They say there is much traffic,
so we have to go
in a circle and wait.
I tell them there is
not so much gas left.
But don't worry;
It's not true.
I was trying to get
to the front of the line.
They say, "okay,
you have to land in napoli."
I try to say, "no, no,"
but they turn off the radio.
We will be on the ground soon,
and then go to Rome by bus.
Once again,
thank you for flying m.I.A.
[Upbeat rock music]
- Uh, I'm sorry.
Yes?
That's like--
- Charlie, hey.
Lele.
It's lele from the airplane.
- Hey.
- Hey.
You like the girls
with the money too, yes?
Eh?
[Laughs]
Yes, I know.
Hey, Charlie.
Now, let's go.
The airport is great.
It's full of--
- [Speaking Italian]
- It's full of girls.
Hey, this is my business card.
From bologna.
It's wonderful in bologna.
Let's go.
[Speaking Italian]
Charlie!
Charlie!
Ho!
Charlie!
I want to say sorry
about the girl.
But...
She lied.
She lied.
No buffer thong.
No underwear at all.
Nothing.
Just a big, big, big bush.
Trust me!
Believe me!
- [Laughs]
- Oh.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
- Okay, okay.
Hold on.
Here, here, here.
I've got--
try this--
- no, no, not the flag.
No, no.
No, no.
[Speaking Italian]
[Cell phone rings]
- [Speaking Italian]
- No worries.
- No worries.
- No worries.
- Thank you.
Hey, man, come visit me
in bologna, no?
It's great there!
- Yeah, but--
- take it!
- [Speaking Italian]
- All right, listen, man,
I'm gonna go to Rome,
but then if my path
takes me there,
I will come visit you
in bologna.
- I knew that you would come,
my friend.
Wonderful!
Mwah!
Come, but maybe before
you finish all the money, eh?
The $5,000.
Mwah!
Bye, ciao.
- Bus to Rome.
Bus to Rome.
Welcome to napoli.
[Speaking Italian]
Do you want pizza?
[Speaking italian]
A pizza?
[Both speaking Italian]
- No. It's more than fast food.
Two hours in Rome.
- Good morning.
Good morning.
- This the--
the other passengers?
- Uh, one passenger.
- Ah, good morning.
- No.
- No, they are tourists too.
- They're tourists?
No, no, no, I--
I'm not--
- [Speaking Italian]
- No, no, no!
- [Speaking Italian]
[Men speaking Italian]
- Charlie Edwards.
New York.
American.
- [Grunts]
- New York, New York
- a cheap telephone.
[Speaking Italian]
- [Singing in Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
[Men speaking Italian]
[Cell phone ringing]
- [Yelling in Italian]
- [Imitating driving sounds]
- [Speaking Italian]
[All speaking Italian]
[Shouting echoes]
- [Playing harmonica]
[Engine turns over]
[Tires squealing]
- Ho!
[Shouting in Italian]
[Upbeat rock music]
[Beeping]
[Cows lowing]
[Festive music]
- Buongiorno, don farina.
[Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
- Don farina--
- shh!
[Speaking Italian]
[Sniffs]
[Speaking Italian]
- [Sniffs]
[Speaking Italian]
[All inhale deeply]
- [Speaking Italian]
- Si.
- Si.
- Yeah.
[Chuckles]
[Banging on table]
[Upbeat rock music]
- Hi.
- Good evening.
How could I help you?
- I need to report a robbery.
I got robbed.
I was on vacation here,
and I'm American.
They took all of my money.
They took my passport.
- Oh, that office is closed
for the day.
In fact, for the weekend,
and I don't have permission
to handle emergency passports.
- Uh, I need a passport.
- Nope.
Can't do anything until Monday.
You could expedite it for $300,
but it'll take a few weeks.
- Um,
what's your name?
- Jenny.
- I'm Charlie.
Can I use your phone?
- Sure.
- Is it free?
[Cell phone ringing]
- Hello.
- Hey, dad.
- Oh, hey, Vicky, what's up?
- Dad, it's Charlie.
- Oh.
[Chuckles]
I'm sorry, Charlie.
What's going on with you?
- Do you remember that money
that you and mom gave me?
I used it to go to Italy.
- Oh.
Well, that's not what we
expected you to do with it,
but okay.
Long as you get a job
when you come back.
- No, no, dad.
You don't understand.
I got robbed.
They took my wallet.
They took my passport.
They took my phone.
Um, I need help.
I'm at the embassy in Rome.
- That's unbelievable.
Charlie, that's great.
You got robbed!
That's a character-building
experience!
- Dad--
- do you remember the time,
when I was your age,
I was rafting in the Amazon,
and I went over the waterfall,
and I had to eat caterpillars
for two weeks
before I was found by
the hunters of amoaxaca tribe?
Well, this is your waterfall,
Charlie.
This is your Amazon.
"I must go down
to the sea again..."
- Dad!
- "The lonely sea and sky,
"and all I ask is a tall ship
and a star to steer her by..."
- Dad!
- "And the wheels kick
and the wind's song..."
- Dad, I need money.
I need you to send me
some money.
- Money?
[Scoffs]
Charlie, you don't need money.
You have everything you need.
I didn't raise an idiot.
Be safe. Be smart.
Be alert.
- All right.
- And, son,
how I envy you.
Good luck.
- Thanks, dad.
Yeah.
Bye.
Can I make another phone call?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
- [Sighs]
[Cell phone ringing]
- Hello.
Who is this?
- Mom.
- Charlie.
This is a strange number.
Where are you?
Are you in jail again?
- Jail?
No, no, mom.
I'm in Italy.
- Where?
- Rome.
Mom, I decided that I didn't
want to throw my money away.
- It's your money.
- Oh, mom.
Here's the thing.
Um, I don't have it anymore.
- Why?
- W-well, um, I had it in cash.
- That was stupid.
- No, no.
No, mom.
I didn't spend it or lose it.
I got robbed,
and you need to cancel
the emergency credit card.
- Oh, I have already.
- You did?
- Yes,
so why are you calling?
- Because, mom,
I thought maybe that you could
wire me a little money.
Or get me a plane ticket home.
Plane ticket would be perfect.
- Didn't you understand
"cutting you off," Charles?
- Of course, mom.
But I just thought
maybe that you knew somebody
who could help me speed things
along to get a new passport.
- Yes.
- You do?
Who?
- Whittaker.
[Clock ticking ominously]
He works
at the state department.
You were supposed to call him,
but you seem to have
blown him off and gone to Italy.
- Look, I've got to go.
The place is closing.
I'm going to, um...
I'll call you later.
Thanks.
That's it.
- Nobody else?
- Nope.
- [Sighs]
Sounds like you had a rough day.
- Could say that.
- You know what?
You know what?
I'm about to finish up here.
If you want to hang outside
for a couple minutes,
I can get you washed up.
- What, is there,
like, a hose out there?
- [Laughs]
No.
I mean, you can
clean yourself up at my place.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Um, thank you so much.
Take your time.
I'm not in a hurry or any--
I'm--thank you.
Um...
Outside.
- [Chuckles]
- Bye.
[Upbeat pop music]
So do all the embassy walk-ins
get to come back to your place?
- Only the really pathetic ones.
Dude, you need a beer.
- Thanks.
And also for letting me
stay here.
- No problem.
- Everything's closed
till Monday, huh?
- That's right.
This is Italy.
- What's a good way
to get deported?
- What?
- Like, nothing violent.
Just, you know,
quick, free, easy ticket home.
- Dude,
anything bad enough
to get you deported
is gonna get you
on the no-fly list,
and then you're stuck here
anyway.
It's a catch-22.
Mm-hmm.
- Really?
- [Snorts]
No, idiot.
Oh, my God.
Come on.
Get up.
Why don't you come with me?
Dude, here's a pillowcase.
And since they haven't invented
air conditioning yet,
I assume you don't need
a blanket.
Leave early,
and shut the door behind you,
like this.
[Bell tolling]
[Door creaking]
- Jenny.
[Speaking Italian]
Jenny.
[Clattering]
- Ah!
Shit!
Hi.
Um, oh, my--
I'm sorry.
I overslept.
I shouldn't be here right now.
Jenny told me to leave.
She was doing me a favor.
She let me stay here.
I got robbed.
Do you speak English?
Um...
[Chuckles nervously]
Is this your boyfriend?
- Charlie, shut up.
Gianpaulo...
[Speaking Italian]
- I'm just gonna--
I can leave now.
[Sultry music]
I'm going to bologna.
I know the king of bologna,
and I can go and stay with him.
I was invi--I have--
I am just gonna get
my pants here,
and I--
where's the door?
- Come with me.
- Bye.
Thank you.
[Kisses]
- [Whistles]
For free, this is the only ride
in town.
- Nothing happened with Jenny.
- I am sure nothing
happened with Jenny.
- Thanks.
- [Speaking Italian]
[Upbeat rock music]
- ooh, ooh, ooh
ooh, ooh, ooh
[tires squeal]
Charly mcclain
walking down the street
I listen to your voice
wasting my time
the day startin',
ounce of tryin'
to make up my mind
'cause everything you said
it sat around instead
gaze at the big blue sky
I'm daydreaming away,
away, away
my dreams have fallen
fallen in the deep
but I'm still calling
your name
[Doorbell buzzing]
[Dog snarling]
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
[Dog growling]
- Wrong apartment!
- [Speaking Italian]
Charlie, my friend!
- Oh, right apartment.
Hello, there.
This is pisa.
Badoo.
- [Speaking Italian]
- Come in, come in.
- [Muffled shrieking]
[All speaking Italian]
[Bell rings]
[All speaking Italian]
- No.
[All speaking Italian]
"King of bologna."
[Speaking Italian]
[Yelling]
- I think you need this.
- Thank you, my man.
- Charlie, what brings you
so soon to my city?
- [Coughs]
- My city.
My city.
- I don't want to talk about it.
Let's talk about any--
anything else.
What's the celebration?
- Celebration?
Oh, celebra--
this is from Valentina.
She brings the wine
from her father's restaurant.
Now that you are here,
we will have a real celebration.
Okay?
[Speaking Italian]
I'll be right back.
- [Groans]
- Ciao.
- Hey.
- Valentina.
- Uh, Charlie.
- American.
- Yeah.
- From where?
- Uh, from New York.
- Ah, New York.
Is that for me?
- Yeah, I--
if you think lele
is okay with that.
- Lele?
[Laughs]
Because you're thinking that
lele and I...
[Laughs]
Oh, no.
No, no.
Oh, you're so silly.
No, we are friends.
We grew up together.
- Oh.
Oh.
Cheers.
- Oh, cheers.
- Hey, let's get ready to go
out.
- [Speaking Italian]
- Grazie.
- Charlie, be careful.
If you want to put your biscuit
in Italian meat,
just follow me,
and maybe you'll learn
something.
[Upbeat pop music]
- Bologna is the city
of porticoes.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Huh.
- It's like the city
protects you from the rain.
- Wish it protected you
from the dogs, right?
No, um, you know?
It's not always bad
to get rained on.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
How long are you staying?
- Uh, you know,
I don't really know.
I should probably get,
like, a job or something.
But, you know...
What are you doing tomorrow?
- Lunch with my family.
Why?
- Maybe we could hang out
or something.
- Love is in the air
- [speaking Italian]
[Horn honks]
If you stay,
I would like to see you again.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
For sure.
- Ciao.
Ciao.
- No, go ahead.
- Oh, lele!
- [Speaking Italian]
Bella, Bella.
[Both speaking Italian]
[Subdued pop music]
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
Due rum e pera.
Two rum and pear.
- Acqua con ghiacco.
Water on the rocks.
- Rum and pear?
- Yes.
Listen, first drink some pear
so the bad stuff go down easy.
Like...
Deep throat, you know?
- Preparation is the first step
to success.
- [Speaking italian]
Salute.
- Cheers!
- Charlie, check?
- Testing.
Testing, one, two.
- Check, check.
You there?
Hey, guys?
Hey, Charlie?
You have reached
the sexy girl hotline.
For big boob Sarah, press one.
For amazing bush romina,
press two.
For transsexual Jessica,
press three.
- Okay, come on, lele.
- Oh, what a choice.
You have selected
the best choice: Lele.
Yeah, man.
Oh, your voice make me so horny.
Spank my ass more.
Spank my ass more.
Yeah, like this.
Treat my ass like a dumpster.
Oh, yes.
Again and again.
Oh, yeah.
- [Laughing]
Okay, man.
I think this can conclude
our tour of bologna.
- Oh, come on, man.
I'm kidding.
I'm Italian, you know?
Turn.
Turn around.
Charlie, are you happy to stay
here in bologna with me?
- Yeah, you know, I wish--
I mean, I wish it'd have
been my choice,
but, nah, whatever.
It's awesome being with you,
man.
You turned a bad situation
into a good one,
and what else can you ask for,
you know?
It's far away,
but I feel almost...
At home?
- Brother.
We're a lot closer
than you think.
- All right, well,
a little distance is fine, huh?
- Okay.
Okay, let's go.
- Bella bologna.
- Eh, bologna's beautiful.
Come on,
I'll show you the best part.
See how many girls
there are in my city.
See? It's full.
It's full of girls.
Talk.
Talk to them.
Talk.
- Lele,
I don't have a problem
talking to girls.
But I have a--
I don't like to talk to girls
like you like to talk to girls.
- What?
- I think it's
a translation thing, really,
because you're--you go this
over-the-top kind of love stuff
that, if you were
to say it in English--
I mean, at least in America,
if you were to say it
in English,
I think you would
probably get arrested.
- Charlie, Italian girls
are different.
They all think they are
principessa,
and Valentina
more than the rest, you know?
Be romantic, sweet.
Not drunk.
Not drunk.
And you have to make love.
Like, gently.
Make love gently.
And then...
- Yeah?
- In the end of the night,
when everything is finished,
let her to fell asleep
in your arms.
Sweetly.
- Dude,
I don't know.
- Yeah, no.
You know.
Now you know the pregame.
Because, you know,
around 4:00, 4:30 A.M.,
it's like,
"hey, baby.
Wake up, wake up,"
you know?
We wake up, and now, and you
have to be strong like this.
Like long, long, long, short,
long, long, short.
"Oh, you want a pounding?"
Be strong!
Be a real man!
You know, like,
"choke me!"
Choke me,
spank me,
you know?
[Speaking Italian]
Like...
[Speaking Italian]
Understand?
Whoa, I'm a man.
Feel my power, baby!
Feel my power!
I understand just one thing.
That tonight,
you have to sleep this time
in my bed alone.
You know?
Alone.
- Where are you gonna sleep?
[Cell phone ringing]
- Don't worry.
Hey, amore.
[Speaking Italian]
[Dog growling]
[Dogs whining]
[Dog panting]
- Morning.
- Are you cooking something?
I'm starving.
- Aioli.
- What?
- Olive oil and garlic.
- Uh...
Is it, like, pasta?
- The best pasta in the world.
To make the perfect aioli
is a combination
of science, instinct, and heart.
- You think...
Come to Italy,
eat well,
meet some nice girls,
have some nice wine.
But, you know,
stuff costs money here too.
- You need some [Clicks tongue]?
- Yeah.
- Should come work with me.
- You have a job?
- Make some easy money,
meet some easy girl.
- Sounds easy.
- But you have to eat first.
On the house.
Enjoy.
- Where we going, man?
I mean, are we lost
or something?
- No. Why?
- I don't know.
We've been walking for a while.
- We gonna take bikes.
- We're gonna take bikes?
- Yeah.
- So we can't take them
from the house?
I mean, Christ.
- You stay here.
- Okay.
What, you gonna take a piss?
Badoo, are you stealing those
bikes?
- No, no, no, no.
We're not stealing.
Come on.
We take them
so we can sell them.
- What, back to the people
that own them?
- Charlie, these bikes are
a resource of the community.
Like crops, you know?
- No!
- When they go from one
to another one.
- Oh, okay.
- You find it on the beach.
- That's disgusting.
- Charlie, seashells.
Come on.
Now those people,
they can get new, better bikes.
They happy with that.
- Well, that's stupid.
- Okay, Charlie,
the chain is already broken.
If we leave them here,
someone could steal them...
From us.
Can you believe it?
Get this one.
- No, look, badoo.
I'm not stealing
some chick's bike.
- My God.
Take this one.
A men bike.
Take it.
Come on.
- [Yelling]
[Aggressive rock music]
- Bikes.
Bicicletta.
[Speaking italian]
Bikes.
Bikes!
[Speaking Italian]
- How much?
- 40 Euros, the sandwich,
and it's yours.
- 40 Euros?
Does it come
with the bolt cutters?
- No, those are his.
- Huh.
[Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you sure you need this bike?
I mean, it's obviously stolen.
- Sure.
[Bell ringing]
- Where are you guys from?
- San Francisco.
Here.
Sold.
Where are you from?
- Uh, New York.
- Oh, yeah?
- What are you doing here?
- Um, I getting my master's
in international law.
- Oh. Uh...
- I'm Vicky, by the way.
- Charlie.
- Nice to meet you.
- Elsy.
- Hey.
Uh, that's badoo.
Uh, he's the roommate
of a friend of mine.
- Are you finished with that?
- Does it look
like I'm finished?
- [Sneers]
- We should probably go.
He looks like he's gonna steal
your friend's sandwich.
- Okay.
- You fucking Americans,
always wasting food.
- Wow, he's really charming.
- And he did it.
- Well, he just took
her sandwich.
- He stole my fucking sandwich.
- [Yells in Italian]
- Look, don't worry about.
Well, we'll see you guys around.
- I'd buy you a new one,
but he took the money too.
- Let's just go.
Let's just go.
- See you around maybe,
all right?
- Okay.
- Hey, I've cooked
a wonderful meal for you.
Special meal.
Aioli.
Badoo is from lecce.
- Fuckin' aioli.
[Groans]
- How did work go?
- Well, he made 40.
- Badoo, I want my half.
I'm going to get some real food.
- There's enough.
- After legal costs, you get 10.
You got change?
- We're partners.
We will invest this money
in a bet.
- Is robbing me, like,
the national Italian sport?
- No, no, no.
This bet is on the real national
sport.
Calcio.
- What?
- Today is a game day.
Italia-francia.
[Cell phone ringing]
[Speaking Italian]
Si, si. Ciao.
Ciao bello.
Ciao.
Ciao.
[Speaking Italian]
- [Laughs]
[Conversation in Italian]
- What's going on?
- Joanna's got the chicken pox.
- Eh, we need a player, huh?
Four Italians.
Five French.
The odds are even.
[Bell tolling]
- Hey!
Hey, hey!
- No, no, no, no.
- We need another player.
- Not carmine.
- Come here.
[Ominous electronic music]
[Cheering]
[Rollicking blues music]
[Cheering]
- Oof!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- [Speaking Italian]
[Cheering]
- Pay.
- [Speaking French]
- Hey?
- [Speaking French]
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
[Both speaking Italian]
- Lele, lele, lele.
- [Quietly]
Ah, fuck.
Ciao. Ciao, carmine. Ciao.
- You play well.
You play very well.
I like you, American.
[Dogs barking]
- Il pisa.
- Charlie, sit.
It's almost ready.
- Everybody, I shave!
- What?
You like looking like you're 12?
- And when I cut my hair,
I look five years younger.
Lele, let us see.
- [Singing in Italian]
I shave!
[Groaning laughter]
- Oof.
That looks like a Turkey.
It's got a beak and a gobble.
Why did you do that?
- You asked me to.
- What?
- To let you see.
- Ah, you mean why I shave.
Listen.
Last night, I bagged
this amazing v.I.P. Waitress.
We shave each other
in the shower.
Was very romantic.
Very sexy.
And then, the next day,
I shave again for another girl,
and so for another girl
and another girl,
and again and again.
Now I have to shave
every single day.
I will never see
my beautiful hair
ever again.
- Guys, aioli's ready.
- Ah!
- I'm going for a walk.
[Contemplative pop music]
- Charlie.
Charlie!
[Knocking]
Hey.
- Hey.
- Ciao.
We meet again.
Are you eating something
in here?
- Uh, no.
This is my father's restaurant.
- Oh.
It's really nice.
- Yeah, thanks.
Would you like to eat something?
I don't know, like, aioli or--
or...
- Ooh.
- You ate some today.
- Just a little bit.
- Yeah, I know.
Come in.
Here we have the best ragu
in bologna,
which means the best ragu
in the world,
so, prego.
- Thanks.
I, um, flat don't have
my wallet.
I left it at lele's.
- Charlie, don't worry.
Please.
Sergio.
Sergio.
[Speaking Italian]
Grazie.
- I like the pictures.
- Oh, my grandfather
collected them.
- May I?
- Yeah.
Bravo.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
[All speaking Italian]
- Yeah, I know.
It's our secret family recipe.
It seems like the ingredients
are randomly added,
but each has
its own special role.
[All speaking Italian]
- But my father don't tell me
the ingredients.
- He's the cook?
- Mm-hmm.
He's the boss.
- He's the boss.
He's in charge?
- Yes.
Maybe too much.
He's a little overprotective.
- Everybody needs freedom.
- To liberty.
- To liberty...
And ragu alla bolognese.
[All speaking Italian]
- And did you score a goal?
- No, but neither
did the other team.
- Wow.
- I was on defense,
and there was this guy, carmine,
who we played with.
In America,
we'd call him a thug.
So he got in a fight
with one of them,
and this guy,
he literally could have walked
into the goal
and, like, taken the ball
and dropped it on the ground,
and nobody
would have said anything.
- [Laughs]
Oh, yes.
I know carmine very well.
He works for my father.
- Maybe he was just excited
about the soccer game.
I didn't mean to--
- [laughs]
Don't worry, okay?
Don't worry, Charlie.
Carmine is not important.
Have you found a job?
- No.
- Have you ever worked
in a restaurant?
- Yes.
- So you could come work here?
- Here?
- Yes.
- Just like that?
- Si.
[Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
Ciao.
Ciao.
Charlie--
oh, God!
- Fuck!
- I am throwing a party tonight
at v.I.P.
- Tonight?
- Ooh, mama Mia.
Okay, there's not much time,
but, hey, it's not a problem.
I am the king.
[Speaking Italian]
- Mm?
Blech.
- [Speaking Italian]
Ciao, ciao, ciao, ciao, ciao.
Okay.
[Speaking spanish]
- Penne alla vodka!
Mmm!
Hm?
- Hey.
What's wrong?
- What are you doing today?
- I've got to go work
in the restaurant.
- What time?
- 5:00.
- 5:00.
Your exam's tomorrow
at university.
- We must stop them.
- We will stop them.
- We will stop them!
- Yes.
- Stop them?
- Yes.
We can stop them!
We will stop them!
Okay?
- Okay!
- Finish your pasta.
[Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Grunts]
[Upbeat rock music]
[Bullhorn squealing]
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Yelling in Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
[Cheers and applause]
[Speaking Italian]
[Crowd chanting in Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
- Bravo!
- It's that guy, Charlie.
- I had exams.
I just finished exams.
It didn't do anything.
Don't take them.
- Unbelievable.
- We should go get your
sandwich.
- Oh, hells no.
You really think
I want to talk to him again?
Come on. We got to study.
[Cheers and applause]
- [Speaking Italian]
[Cheers and applause]
[Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
[Spits]
Carmine.
[Speaking Italian]
[Both speaking Italian]
- Perdonami.
- Si.
Perche?
- [Speaking Italian]
[Both speaking Italian]
- Coffee?
- [Speaking Italian]
- Sergio.
- Sergio, si.
Grazie.
- Scusi.
- Si, si.
- [Speaking Italian]
- Il vino.
[Wine sloshing loudly]
[Distorted instrumental music]
[Gunfire]
- [Yelling]
- I'm sorry.
I'll get you a napkin.
Um, excuse me.
My God...
- [Speaking Italian]
Oh, eh?
What are you doing?
Charlie. Eh?
You better be,
because the boss is here,
and he doesn't like very much
the incompetence.
He is particular.
- No, I just lost my balance.
I can get--
I'll be fine.
- You can lost work you want,
but another mistake like this,
and you go in the kitchen,
washing the dishes, okay?
- [Speaking Italian]
- Um, I am so sorry,
signor ferracane.
I didn't mean to spill the wine
on your customers.
- [Speaking Italian]
- Charlie.
- [Speaking Italian]
- I can stay in here.
Um, I wash the dishes--
- no!
[Speaking Italian]
Mmm.
Bene, bene.
[Speaking Italian]
- Ah.
- [Speaking Italian]
[Beeping]
[Dogs barking and growling]
- [Speaking Italian]
- Lele.
Lele.
I need to talk to you.
- The strike worked!
Are you ready for my party?
Every sexy lady in bologna
will be there!
- No, lele, I've been stirring
ragu for five hours.
Just listen to me
for one second, all right?
- We have no time.
No time for words, okay?
We have to go.
Come on.
- Lele.
- [Speaking Italian]
- Look,
I think that Valentina's
family--that carmine too--
I think that they're
in the mafia.
- What?
No!
Guys!
Guys, Charlie has big news.
He suspects that carmine,
[speaking italian] Are...
What?
- They're in the mafia.
- No!
[Derisive laughter]
- Charlie!
I told you that Valentina's
family was particular, eh?
- What?
Particular?
Do you even know
what that word means?
[Audio distorts and echoes]
[Crowd chanting "Charlie"]
- Ah, yes!
[Shouts in Italian]
- Charlie!
Vicky.
- Vicky.
- Elsy.
- How are you?
[Thumping dance music]
So the strike today
was pretty interesting.
- Oh, my God.
You were there?
- Yeah!
That's why we're here.
- I would have been much better
if I could--
you know,
if they understood English.
- I'm sure.
We should try it
in America some time.
- That's a great idea,
now that you guys have
completely fucked up
our semester.
- Oh, come on.
It's not that bad.
- You have nothing to lose!
- [Shrieks]
[Laughter]
Come on, Vicky.
Let's go--now.
I'm over this.
- Really?
- Now.
- You have to leave?
- Listen, uh,
can we hang out tomorrow?
- Of course.
- Okay.
Um, hang on.
Give me this.
Do you have a phone number?
- I don't have a cell phone.
- Okay.
Should we meet tomorrow?
Piazza maggiore?
- Okay.
What time,
like 3:00?
Will you be up by then?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Yes!
- Okay.
Bye.
- Whoo-hoo!
Valentina!
- Charlie!
Ciao!
- Hey, carmine.
- Yeah, whatever, man.
- You want a drink?
- [Speaking Italian]
- Si.
- Ciao.
- Yeah.
Ow, Charlie!
Charlie bit my finger!
[Laughs]
I take a picture.
- Ah, that's beautiful.
- Ah.
- But we're not supposed
to be here.
- Yes, I know.
- Carmine, come.
We got a table right here.
It's the best one in the house.
- Thank you very much
for your kind offer.
But we do have a table reserved
for ourselves, okay?
- I want to stay here.
- Are you serious, dude?
Look, we're fun.
It's cool.
Capisce?
- Okay, now you've crossed
your fucking line.
Either you step outside with me,
or you take a seat,
and you stop the shit.
- Oh, carmine!
[Speaking Italian]
I want to stay here
with my boyfriend.
- With who?
- Your what?
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
Catch you around, man.
[Throbbing club music]
- Ciao, lele.
[Door frame crunches]
[Dog whimpering]
- [Barks]
[Dog yipping]
[Contemplative organ music]
- He practices here every night.
Charlie, come on!
I can't believe you are so slow.
Follow me!
I want to show you something.
Okay, enough.
[Panting]
- Are we going somewhere?
- You choose.
Which way?
- Do I look like
I know where I'm going?
- [Laughs]
- Look, I think we should talk
about carmine for one minute.
- Oh, Charlie.
No.
Just choose.
- I mean, here seems all right.
- Yeah.
- And I don't want to start
sick of listening
please don't teach me
something that I have known
I know your words
are full of romance
but it won't change my ways
'cause I'm sure this time
the turtle will not win
the race
- Caffe?
- Mmm.
[Groaning]
- [Giggles]
Buongiorno.
- Good morning.
- Caffe.
- Thank you.
Oh, smells delicious.
I'm kind of hungry.
- I will make us a picnic today.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Amore.
- Amore?
- Amore.
What?
Lele didn't teach you anything
about Italian women?
- Who?
[Bell tolling and organ music]
[Cheers and applause]
[Whirling pop music]
- Okay, try it.
- Hm.
- Mmm.
Ah!
- No more, though.
You're gonna kill me.
- [Chuckles]
Mmm.
- I think I might look better
in these.
Hold on.
No complaining.
- Oh, thanks.
- What do you think?
- [Chuckling]
- No?
- Oh, yeah.
You're so pretty.
[Cell phone ringing]
Papa?
Si.
Ciao.
[Speaking Italian]
Ciao.
Ciao, ciao.
- Your dad?
- Yeah.
- He say anything about carmine?
- No.
It was about my party.
- Party?
- Yeah, my party tonight.
- Hey.
- My mom will love you.
Okay, give me back
my keys please.
- Why?
- 'Cause you drive
like an American.
- [Chuckles]
[Yelling]
[Shimmering pop music]
- Good morning!
- Oh, my God.
Did you grow, like a pubic hair
polka dot in one day?
Look--
- no, these?
These are mine. Look.
- Oh, my God.
Put something on.
Christ.
- Charlie, last night
was my greatest success.
We came back here
after the party,
and we shaved everyone.
And then I had
my first menage a six.
And you?
What did you do?
- I was with Valentina.
No, man, she's amazing.
- Valentina.
Well, as long
as you are about to die,
I will wake up the girls
so you can die happy
and with clean balls.
- No, thanks.
I am going to see Vicky.
- But being with Valentina
is not risky enough.
Do you want to make her
jealous too?
- Vicky and I are just friends.
It's, um...
Don't worry about it.
Look, I'm late.
I've got to go.
What the fuck
happened to the door?
[Synth-driven pop music]
- Charlie!
Hey.
- Hey.
Excuse me.
- What's up?
- [Grunts]
What, is this,
like, a law school thing?
- No, no.
It's, um,
somebody stole my bike.
It was short-lived,
the pleasure
of that experience.
So I have to get a new one.
This is a bike auction.
[Cheering]
- So probably all these people
have had their bikes stolen,
huh?
- Yeah.
Why, are you getting nervous?
- No, I--you know,
I don't think I'm wanted here.
Why don't we make
a break for it?
- Okay.
- All right?
- When do I get my bike?
- Follow me.
Race you to the end
of the street?
- Okay.
Wait, this is me right here.
- Oh, um...
- Oh, this is me.
- Oh, it's nice.
Listen, I've got to go.
Uh...
- Why don't you come up
for a minute?
Get a coffee?
I'm on the first floor.
- I-I've got to poo.
Bye.
- Okay...
[Sighs]
- Lele, lele, lele.
Lele, lele, lele.
- Oh!
[Speaking Italian]
- Turn off the TV.
- [Speaking Italian]
- Turn off the TV.
- [Speaking Italian]
- Is that fucking videotape?
- No, it's not
fucking videotape.
It's lecce-bari.
Quattro a zero, 2007.
- Look, we have
a fucking problem with carmine.
- So does everyone else.
Carmine is crazy for Valentina.
So maybe you have
the worst problem.
- Listen to me, man.
He was following me today.
He saw me with Vicky.
- Shh.
Now we relax our minds,
okay?
And I think about it.
And the best meditation for me
is to watch calcio on TV.
- Oh, goddamn it, man.
Are you kidding?
- Now I finish this, and then we
can watch lecce-bologna,
lecce-udinese, lecce-inter,
okay?
You understand?
[Speaking Italian]
Carmine's just an asshole.
- Didn't your mom teach you
to close the door?
You know that can be
very dangerous.
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Chuckles]
Get out of my fucking face.
I have a message for you
from don farina.
- Ah!
Fuck!
"I want my package now."
- [Sputtering]
What package?
- You know what package.
The one that you stole
from my friend vito.
- The fucking neapolitan guy?
- Yeah, him.
You know stealing's
a very, very bad crime,
and possibly the worst thing
you guys ever did.
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
You guys are gonna be
at Valentina's party tonight.
Well, so will I.
So make sure
you bring the package.
Or...
I will pay a visit
to that cute little blonde
American girlfriend of yours.
Sit down.
Sit down.
I know the way.
- [Sputters]
Lele, what the fuck was that?
In English.
- Okay.
Carmine thinks Charlie stole
from these neapolitan guys,
and he did it.
You stole their bus.
So the package
must be in the bus.
I call a friend.
They go pick it up.
[Phone line beeps]
[Frantic violin music]
- [Screaming]
- [Speaking Italian]
Ciao, ciao, ciao.
Ciao.
[Speaking Italian]
- [Singing in Italian]
- Go to the mafia party.
- Ciao, ciao.
- This is your plan b?
- Tranquillo, tranquillo.
Men in black.
You are so nice.
Valentina gave you the suit,
yes?
Very mafia.
Do something dirty, yes?
[Applause]
Ah!
Some food!
- Lele, just promise me
you're gonna take this
fucking seriously.
Just--look.
Just do two things, all right?
- Two things.
- No talking to girls.
- No?
- No drinking.
- No drinking.
- What?
- Fast hands.
Like "bouffant," you know?
- Buffoon.
Sergio.
Thanks.
[Singing in Italian]
- Charlie, Charlie.
- Vale!
- Ciao.
I have to introduce you
to everyone.
- You do?
- Yeah.
- Lele.
- Come with me.
- [Speaking Italian]
- Mama.
- Si?
- Mama, meet Charlie.
- Charlie!
- Uh, buono sera,
signora ferracane.
- [Speaking Italian]
- Charlie,
welcome.
- Signor ferracane.
- Listen...
Just because my wife
and my daughter like you
doesn't mean I have to.
Try not to cause
any more trouble.
Please.
- Of course.
- Okay?
Remember.
- Hey.
Come with me.
- [Speaking Italian]
- Scusa.
My father is in many ways
antiquated.
- Well, it was nice of him
to speak in English.
- Valentina, vieni.
- See you in a bit.
- So, motherfucker,
isn't it just great when you
meet your new parents-in-law,
American?
Or shall I call you
Mr. Charlie Edwards?
This belongs to you, right?
So where's that little package
that belongs to me?
- Do you need it now?
- No, I needed it
ten minutes ago, motherfucker.
- Lele has it.
- What?
- I'll go get him.
- Yeah.
Unless you want me
and my friends to go get him.
- No, I'll go get him.
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
- Lele.
- Charlie, Eleanor.
She's Eleanor.
- Eleanor.
- Ciao.
- We play doctors
when we work it.
- Stronzo.
- Grazie.
- What do you mean, "grazie"?
- Lele, come on.
Carmine wants their bag now.
I'd give him a fake one,
but I don't even know
what it looks like.
- [Singing in Italian]
- Lele, lele.
It's the neapolitans.
And they have a bag.
- Maybe it's for carmine.
He doesn't work for free.
You see that bag?
You see, we want that bag, okay?
You understand, yes?
- How do we get it?
- Okay.
Step one,
lele creates a grand casino,
a big mess.
- [Speaking Italian]
- Step two?
- Charlie steals the bag.
- From the mafia?
- Do you prefer to go
on the stage to dance, eh?
- No, I don't want to do
either of those things.
That's your plan?
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
[All speaking Italian]
- [Singing in Italian]
- [Yelling in Italian]
- Hey.
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Mutters]
- [Speaking Italian]
Send in the clowns!
- [Speaking Italian]
- What's going on?
- Bravi, bravi!
- I hate clowns.
- It's a gift from the king
of bullshit.
- [Speaking Italian]
[Whistles tweeting]
- Do you remember when we were
talking about carmine the--
look, it's really important.
Um...
- [Speaking Italian]
- I can't tell you know.
It's too late.
I've got to go.
- Di napoli.
- Ah, di napoli.
[Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
- If you want a plate,
we can use my plate.
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
[Horns honking
and whistles tweeting]
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Clears throat]
[Speaking Italian]
Valentina, Charlie?
Where are you?
Come on up the stage.
Come--
[Speaking Italian]
[Applause]
[Speaking Italian]
Why don't you give us
a toast in English, huh?
Don't be shy.
Come on.
Do toast in English.
Come on, man, huh?
Take it away.
[Applause]
- Scusa.
- You know, it's kind of
interesting to be an American
in Italy without any money,
trying to find, you know,
my way home.
- [Speaking Italian]
- You know, we in America
have a lot of traditions
that we brought--
or that we've--you know,
that your children
have passed down to--I mean,
that your parents gave us--
that your ancestors--
- [speaking Italian]
- And--but, you know, we have a
way of updating those traditions
to, you know, kind of suit
the modern world.
Um, for example, you know,
it's not, like,
totally unheard of
that a couple would get married
in their 40s.
- [Speaking Italian]
[Laughter and applause]
Clang!
- Oh, shit!
It's a real plate.
- [Speaking Italian]
I'll kill you!
[All muttering in Italian]
- Valentina!
[Speaking Italian]
- Signor ferracane,
I would never hurt
your daughter.
Look, she means the world to me.
Please, I would never,
ever hurt her.
It was a mistake.
- A mistake?
That was a mistake?
So when I saw you...
[Makes kissing noises]
Kiss that American girl today,
that was a mistake too,
Mr. Charlie fucking Edwards?
- No, no.
I didn't kiss any American girl.
She kissed me.
No, listen--
- [speaking Italian]
- Look, it's carmine you need
to be worried about.
Carmine, he's the one
that's working against you.
He's working with those guys
over there.
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Growling]
- [Speaking Italian]
- No, no.
He is working with them
with some guy named don farina.
[Crowd gasps]
- Eh?
Farina?
- Boss, boss--
- farina?
- [Chuckles]
[Speaking Italian]
Please, just let me
take care of this fuck.
- [Speaking Italian]
[All speaking Italian]
[Screaming]
- [Speaking Italian]
[Gunshot]
[Screaming]
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Breathing heavily]
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
[All speaking Italian]
- Oh, shit.
Valentina's phone
went right to the message.
- Give me the phone.
[Speaking Italian]
- Are you talking
about fucking soccer?
- No!
It's just because
it's dangerous there.
I thought--
[speaking Italian]
Hey, it's [Speaking italian]
in 20 minutes, okay?
Bye, bye.
- Oh, my God.
He saw Vicky.
We've got to go get her.
Go!
Go, go!
- Hey, I got a text.
Read it.
- 5 bologna, 1 lecce.
- No!
Bologna-lecce!
No!
[Speaking Italian]
Worst day ever!
- Vicky.
[Knocking]
Vicky?
- Vicky!
- Charlie.
- Hey.
- What time is it?
- Okay, I know
it's kind of late,
but we are in trouble,
and we got to stick together.
- Okay.
[Speaking Italian]
Go, go, go!
- Where are we going?
Put me down!
This isn't funny!
- This is for your own good.
- Stop!
- For the tenth time,
I am sorry.
We are in trouble with some
really dangerous people,
and they saw you kiss me
outside of your house,
and now they think
you're part of our group.
- Okay, guilty by association?
That's a fallacy.
- Oh, spoken like a true lawyer.
Listen, I'm gonna make sure
everything is okay,
and then I will personally walk
you back up the stairs
to your house--
I'll carry you--
and then I'll put you
in your bed,
and then--you know what?
You never have to talk
to me again.
- Fine, okay, yeah.
Do that and buy me
a fucking sandwich,
and we're even.
- Oh, lele,
give me your cell phone.
Do you have carmine's number?
- Yeah, you can find him
under carmine mafia.
[Speaking Italian]
- This is so stupid.
This is ridiculous.
[Cell phone ringing]
[Conversation in Italian]
- Carmine.
- Charlie?
- [Speaking Italian]
- Goddamn you, man.
You already caused me
a lot of trouble tonight.
Why don't you say hi
to a mutual friend?
- Charlie?
Charlie!
- I didn't know
the plate was real!
I'm sorry!
I have your bag.
So how are we gonna do this?
- Yeah, I know you
have my money
and these poor guys' documents.
But I still got your passport
and, hey, I got your girlfriend.
So be at the
mercato ortofrutticolo
at 5:00 A.M. sharp or--
I swear to God,
and I hate to say it--
Valentina's not gonna see
the light of day.
- Let me talk
to Valentina again.
- No!
- Fuck!
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
- Ortofrutticolo.
The worst place in the world.
Bravo, bravo.
The police don't know
where is it,
and you have the date
at mercato ortofrutticolo.
- 5:00 A.M.
- At 5:00 A.M.
Aw, full of people, eh?
- You know what, you guys?
When I got to bologna,
I'd lost everything.
I mean, my parents kicked me out
on my ass.
They stole my money.
They stole my passport.
But I learned something
from you guys.
If you're in, like, a real just
clusterfuck of a situation--
- clusterfuck?
- Uh, like--
- yes, like a menage a trois.
- No, no.
Like, um, a grand casino.
Clusterfuck.
You know, like that.
The way that you get out of it
is just by throwing
right back at it
an even bigger clusterfuck.
I'm talking about something
so crazy
that nobody can imagine
what is about, you know,
to hit them, right?
So, look.
In America,
we have this idea
that we're a melting pot.
- Melting pot?
- Okay, I'm gonna do
this Italian style for you
just so we all understand
each other.
Think about a really good plate
of pasta.
- [Speaking Italian]
- I can't believe this shit.
Um, no, look.
Something your mother would
make, like a ragu.
Ragu has a lot of ingredients.
The more you put in,
the better it gets.
What, you got some carrots,
some celery, some tomatoes--
doesn't matter.
You can add anything,
and the best cooks look like
they're throwin' stuff in
at random.
But they have experience
with every ingredient in there.
It's a part of them.
So what looks like a giant pot
of clusterfuck
becomes the most delicious plate
that you guys have.
So listen.
We have our differences.
I mean, where we're from,
you know,
whether rich or poor,
straight or gay,
what we need to do tonight
is mix up a big clusterfuck
of revenge with everything
we've got
and serve it up cold to carmine
and those bastards.
A big, nasty clusterfuck
of ragrevenge,
alla bolognese.
And I've got the recipe
right here
and a pot big enough
to mix it in.
- Clusterfuck.
- Clusterfuck!
[All chanting "clusterfuck"]
[Jangly rock music]
All right,
just take any mental notes
on any illegal stuff
they're doing.
- They have guns,
and they kidnapped her--
well, yes, you kidnapped me too,
so you're even.
Do we have guns?
- We have fire.
- Charlie Edwards.
I can see you got my bag.
Okay.
Let me see
if the money's inside.
- [Speaking Italian]
- This is ridiculous.
- [Speaking Italian]
- Now you listen to me.
I'm torching everything
in this bag
unless you do exactly as I say.
Put the guns down.
[All speaking Italian]
- He still has his gun.
You just gonna let him
keep his gun?
- Okay, now what?
- How do you want
to handle this?
- Send the girl over
when I count to three,
and I'll throw you the bag.
One...
Two...
Three!
- [Speaking Italian]
- How do we leave?
- Just wait.
[All speaking Italian]
- Just wait for what?
- [Speaking Italian]
[Dogs barking]
[Yelling]
[Boisterous rock music]
- [Speaking Italian]
[Yelling]
- [Speaking Italian]
[Cheering]
[Dogs barking]
- [Speaking Italian]
[Barking and yelling]
- Badoo!
- [Speaking Italian]
[Dogs barking]
[All speaking Italian]
- So are you gonna come
to New York with us?
- I have to see my father.
Sorry about the plate.
- No, I think it's better.
I think you stopped
my speech before--
well, you know, I wouldn't want
to look like an ass
in front of your family.
- No, don't worry.
You saved my life.
- How romantic.
- Vicky.
Sorry about kidnapping you
in the middle of the night.
I didn't--
- you're an idiot.
- Hey, where are you going?
Eh?
I love you.
Breakfast, lunch together?
I'm rich.
I can--
- vaffanculo.
Give me this.
[Grunts]
And remember, if you need
a lawyer, don't call me.
- [Chuckles]
"Don't call me."
[Both speaking Italian]
- Ciao.
Charlie.
- It's my passport.
- Yes.
- Did you look at the photo?
- Oh.
You're so pretty with long hair.
- [Speaking Italian]
- Ciao.
- Badoo.
[Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
[All speaking Italian]
- Hey, guys.
What the fuck are you thinking?
Look, that is dirty,
dirty mafia money.
We can't flash it around
everywhere.
Look, okay, new rules.
No illegal purchases,
no flashiness,
and this way,
the next time we see each other,
it's not in jail, okay?
- Okay.
- Promise?
- Okay.
- [Speaking Italian]
- See you guys.
- Ciao.
[Yelling in Italian]
[Dogs barking]
- Nothing lasts
as you have said
play with fire
this week
and I'm afraid
of it now
I was told that giving up
was not a good thing
for us
but us is not me
- [shouting in Italian]
- Sick of listening
please don't teach me
something that I have known
I know your words
are full of romance
but it won't change my ways
'cause I'm sure this time
the turtle will not win
the race
I've come to this point
day by day
I needed proof
and guess what?
It came in late
yeah
lost more than
I would have gained
[Cell phone ringing]
Bonk!
[Peppy rock music]
- [Singing in Italian]
[Burly rustic music]
[Rootsy rock music]
[Cell phone ringing]
Bonk!
- Oh, sorry.
- You're fucking useless.
You know that we have to get out
of this place today.
- I--I said I'm sorry.
- Yes.
- Punk.
- I'll get you a box.
- Hello.
- Hello, Charlie?
- Oh, no.
- What?
- Hey, mom.
I was just packing.
I'm moving out of my house.
- Charlie, listen.
I've spoken with your father.
- You guys never talk.
- I haven't been able
to reach you
in an entire week, Charlie.
- I don't know why
you're calling me right now.
You knew
that I was moving out today.
I mean, I'm really busy.
I have a ton of stuff to pack.
- Yes, I know.
Did you know
that it's almost noon?
- Of course.
I just got back from the gym.
- Oh, come on, Charlie.
I'm your mother.
Charlie, what are you doing
with your life?
- What do--
- I should have insisted
that you get that m.B.A.
Oh, I don't know
what I'm getting so upset about.
Who knows?
Maybe you'll be--
maybe you'll--
you'll...
Be something.
- What--
what are you talking about?
- We've decided to cut you off.
- No--I mean--what?
You're doing what?
- We're stopping, Charlie.
We're done.
- Mom, I just graduated.
Come on.
I--of course I'm gonna find
a job,
but I want to find a good job,
and so I'm gonna take my time
to find it.
- I spoke with James whittaker.
[Menacing string music]
He's had your resume for months,
and you haven't had
the decency to call him back.
- You're cutting me off because
I didn't call James whittaker?
- You have to get a job,
Charlie.
You have to support yourself.
- Support myself?
What do you mean?
- Listen, Charlie.
No.
We've decided to give you some
money to help you get started,
but you have to be responsible
and independent.
- Mom--
- I'll have my assistant
transfer $5,000 to your account.
- $5,000?
- Oh, and listen, Charlie,
please don't call your father.
This is the first thing
in the last ten years
we've decided together on.
- Okay.
Thanks.
- Who called?
- That was my mother.
And not carrying good news.
I am no longer a welcome member
in the Edwards' household.
They've cut me off,
and I was given a severance fee
of $5,000
and a nice pat on the ass.
Can't go home.
Can't stay here.
- You know, at least you got
that five grand.
I mean, that's workable.
- It's not much to work with.
That's, like, what,
I don't know,
three months of rent?
- No, Charlie, look.
You could buy something nice
for yourself,
you know, get a fucking maid.
You could go somewhere.
There's all types of shit
that you can do with five grand.
- Yes, like go somewhere,
somewhere far away.
Charlie Edwards takes
his last hurrah,
ride into the sunset
with his two-string guitar.
- [Chuckles]
- [Imitates metal guitar solo]
- You're a fucking clown.
- I should really learn how
to play this thing.
Into the box.
[Upbeat rock music]
- [Whistles]
[Tires squealing]
- I am your captain
who is speaking.
We have reached our cruising
altitude of 10,000 meters.
Flying time to Rome is estimated
at 7 hours and 45 minutes,
piu 'o meno.
We have turned off
the seat belt sign,
and you are now free
to move about the cabin.
If you feel very free,
move into my cabin.
- I have no corkscrew.
We have to suffer.
Magic.
- It's the American way
to open a bottle.
- Well, please have
the first drink.
- Thank you.
- The cork is inside,
so we're going
to have to finish it.
- Thank you.
- I smell wine.
What kind of wine do you have?
- I mean, see for yourself.
- Ah, no.
Let me see the other one.
Give me.
Give, give.
Ah, negroamaro.
This is from salento,
near my home.
We will drink this one.
Della bologna.
Nice to meet you.
Ciao.
- Ciao.
- Lele.
Ciao.
Lele.
Ciao. Ciao.
- Open, open.
Open this bottle.
- God, I'm not gonna feel
my finger for a month.
- A month?
A month is nothing.
My whole life,
I want to come to America.
- And?
Did you have any fun?
[Sirens wailing]
- Please.
Let me stay here!
Tell her, bitch!
I want to be an American.
Tell her!
- Fellas, put him back
on the plane.
- [Speaking italian]
No, no!
- You can't say that
to a woman in America.
Maybe, like, you should have
taken another English class
before going.
- His English is not so bad.
- Grazie.
- My American friend,
I am sorry.
I did not mean to insult.
We need more dialogue
between our countries.
- Yes!
- We need to fix
this relationship
between Italy and America, no?
We need to talk.
Principessa.
Pretty lady.
What's your name?
- Alessia.
- Alessia?
[Speaking Italian]
- So, alessia, why were you
in New York?
Were you in America?
- I was there for one year,
but when I broke up
with my boyfriend,
I decided to come home.
- Broke up with your boyfriend?
It's so sad.
[Speaking Italian]
- Also because American men
are so full of themselves.
- Si,i'd agree.
American men are so full--
agree, agree.
- Lele, what do you do?
- I am the king of bologna.
- You're the king of bologna?
- [Mockingly]
You're the king of bologna?
Yes, I am the king of bologna.
Charlie,
come visit me in bologna,
and I will show you the city.
It's my city.
It's my kingdom.
Here is my card.
Take it.
Alessia...
[Speaking Italian]
- But--
- [speaking italian]
Later.
So...
- Uh, lele.
[Both speaking Italian]
[Swaggering big band music]
- I'm sorry.
Do you want your book back?
- Uh, no, I don't need it
anymore.
Thank you.
- Attention, all passengers.
Rome airport has phoned us.
They say there is much traffic,
so we have to go
in a circle and wait.
I tell them there is
not so much gas left.
But don't worry;
It's not true.
I was trying to get
to the front of the line.
They say, "okay,
you have to land in napoli."
I try to say, "no, no,"
but they turn off the radio.
We will be on the ground soon,
and then go to Rome by bus.
Once again,
thank you for flying m.I.A.
[Upbeat rock music]
- Uh, I'm sorry.
Yes?
That's like--
- Charlie, hey.
Lele.
It's lele from the airplane.
- Hey.
- Hey.
You like the girls
with the money too, yes?
Eh?
[Laughs]
Yes, I know.
Hey, Charlie.
Now, let's go.
The airport is great.
It's full of--
- [Speaking Italian]
- It's full of girls.
Hey, this is my business card.
From bologna.
It's wonderful in bologna.
Let's go.
[Speaking Italian]
Charlie!
Charlie!
Ho!
Charlie!
I want to say sorry
about the girl.
But...
She lied.
She lied.
No buffer thong.
No underwear at all.
Nothing.
Just a big, big, big bush.
Trust me!
Believe me!
- [Laughs]
- Oh.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
- Okay, okay.
Hold on.
Here, here, here.
I've got--
try this--
- no, no, not the flag.
No, no.
No, no.
[Speaking Italian]
[Cell phone rings]
- [Speaking Italian]
- No worries.
- No worries.
- No worries.
- Thank you.
Hey, man, come visit me
in bologna, no?
It's great there!
- Yeah, but--
- take it!
- [Speaking Italian]
- All right, listen, man,
I'm gonna go to Rome,
but then if my path
takes me there,
I will come visit you
in bologna.
- I knew that you would come,
my friend.
Wonderful!
Mwah!
Come, but maybe before
you finish all the money, eh?
The $5,000.
Mwah!
Bye, ciao.
- Bus to Rome.
Bus to Rome.
Welcome to napoli.
[Speaking Italian]
Do you want pizza?
[Speaking italian]
A pizza?
[Both speaking Italian]
- No. It's more than fast food.
Two hours in Rome.
- Good morning.
Good morning.
- This the--
the other passengers?
- Uh, one passenger.
- Ah, good morning.
- No.
- No, they are tourists too.
- They're tourists?
No, no, no, I--
I'm not--
- [Speaking Italian]
- No, no, no!
- [Speaking Italian]
[Men speaking Italian]
- Charlie Edwards.
New York.
American.
- [Grunts]
- New York, New York
- a cheap telephone.
[Speaking Italian]
- [Singing in Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
[Men speaking Italian]
[Cell phone ringing]
- [Yelling in Italian]
- [Imitating driving sounds]
- [Speaking Italian]
[All speaking Italian]
[Shouting echoes]
- [Playing harmonica]
[Engine turns over]
[Tires squealing]
- Ho!
[Shouting in Italian]
[Upbeat rock music]
[Beeping]
[Cows lowing]
[Festive music]
- Buongiorno, don farina.
[Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
- Don farina--
- shh!
[Speaking Italian]
[Sniffs]
[Speaking Italian]
- [Sniffs]
[Speaking Italian]
[All inhale deeply]
- [Speaking Italian]
- Si.
- Si.
- Yeah.
[Chuckles]
[Banging on table]
[Upbeat rock music]
- Hi.
- Good evening.
How could I help you?
- I need to report a robbery.
I got robbed.
I was on vacation here,
and I'm American.
They took all of my money.
They took my passport.
- Oh, that office is closed
for the day.
In fact, for the weekend,
and I don't have permission
to handle emergency passports.
- Uh, I need a passport.
- Nope.
Can't do anything until Monday.
You could expedite it for $300,
but it'll take a few weeks.
- Um,
what's your name?
- Jenny.
- I'm Charlie.
Can I use your phone?
- Sure.
- Is it free?
[Cell phone ringing]
- Hello.
- Hey, dad.
- Oh, hey, Vicky, what's up?
- Dad, it's Charlie.
- Oh.
[Chuckles]
I'm sorry, Charlie.
What's going on with you?
- Do you remember that money
that you and mom gave me?
I used it to go to Italy.
- Oh.
Well, that's not what we
expected you to do with it,
but okay.
Long as you get a job
when you come back.
- No, no, dad.
You don't understand.
I got robbed.
They took my wallet.
They took my passport.
They took my phone.
Um, I need help.
I'm at the embassy in Rome.
- That's unbelievable.
Charlie, that's great.
You got robbed!
That's a character-building
experience!
- Dad--
- do you remember the time,
when I was your age,
I was rafting in the Amazon,
and I went over the waterfall,
and I had to eat caterpillars
for two weeks
before I was found by
the hunters of amoaxaca tribe?
Well, this is your waterfall,
Charlie.
This is your Amazon.
"I must go down
to the sea again..."
- Dad!
- "The lonely sea and sky,
"and all I ask is a tall ship
and a star to steer her by..."
- Dad!
- "And the wheels kick
and the wind's song..."
- Dad, I need money.
I need you to send me
some money.
- Money?
[Scoffs]
Charlie, you don't need money.
You have everything you need.
I didn't raise an idiot.
Be safe. Be smart.
Be alert.
- All right.
- And, son,
how I envy you.
Good luck.
- Thanks, dad.
Yeah.
Bye.
Can I make another phone call?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
- [Sighs]
[Cell phone ringing]
- Hello.
Who is this?
- Mom.
- Charlie.
This is a strange number.
Where are you?
Are you in jail again?
- Jail?
No, no, mom.
I'm in Italy.
- Where?
- Rome.
Mom, I decided that I didn't
want to throw my money away.
- It's your money.
- Oh, mom.
Here's the thing.
Um, I don't have it anymore.
- Why?
- W-well, um, I had it in cash.
- That was stupid.
- No, no.
No, mom.
I didn't spend it or lose it.
I got robbed,
and you need to cancel
the emergency credit card.
- Oh, I have already.
- You did?
- Yes,
so why are you calling?
- Because, mom,
I thought maybe that you could
wire me a little money.
Or get me a plane ticket home.
Plane ticket would be perfect.
- Didn't you understand
"cutting you off," Charles?
- Of course, mom.
But I just thought
maybe that you knew somebody
who could help me speed things
along to get a new passport.
- Yes.
- You do?
Who?
- Whittaker.
[Clock ticking ominously]
He works
at the state department.
You were supposed to call him,
but you seem to have
blown him off and gone to Italy.
- Look, I've got to go.
The place is closing.
I'm going to, um...
I'll call you later.
Thanks.
That's it.
- Nobody else?
- Nope.
- [Sighs]
Sounds like you had a rough day.
- Could say that.
- You know what?
You know what?
I'm about to finish up here.
If you want to hang outside
for a couple minutes,
I can get you washed up.
- What, is there,
like, a hose out there?
- [Laughs]
No.
I mean, you can
clean yourself up at my place.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Um, thank you so much.
Take your time.
I'm not in a hurry or any--
I'm--thank you.
Um...
Outside.
- [Chuckles]
- Bye.
[Upbeat pop music]
So do all the embassy walk-ins
get to come back to your place?
- Only the really pathetic ones.
Dude, you need a beer.
- Thanks.
And also for letting me
stay here.
- No problem.
- Everything's closed
till Monday, huh?
- That's right.
This is Italy.
- What's a good way
to get deported?
- What?
- Like, nothing violent.
Just, you know,
quick, free, easy ticket home.
- Dude,
anything bad enough
to get you deported
is gonna get you
on the no-fly list,
and then you're stuck here
anyway.
It's a catch-22.
Mm-hmm.
- Really?
- [Snorts]
No, idiot.
Oh, my God.
Come on.
Get up.
Why don't you come with me?
Dude, here's a pillowcase.
And since they haven't invented
air conditioning yet,
I assume you don't need
a blanket.
Leave early,
and shut the door behind you,
like this.
[Bell tolling]
[Door creaking]
- Jenny.
[Speaking Italian]
Jenny.
[Clattering]
- Ah!
Shit!
Hi.
Um, oh, my--
I'm sorry.
I overslept.
I shouldn't be here right now.
Jenny told me to leave.
She was doing me a favor.
She let me stay here.
I got robbed.
Do you speak English?
Um...
[Chuckles nervously]
Is this your boyfriend?
- Charlie, shut up.
Gianpaulo...
[Speaking Italian]
- I'm just gonna--
I can leave now.
[Sultry music]
I'm going to bologna.
I know the king of bologna,
and I can go and stay with him.
I was invi--I have--
I am just gonna get
my pants here,
and I--
where's the door?
- Come with me.
- Bye.
Thank you.
[Kisses]
- [Whistles]
For free, this is the only ride
in town.
- Nothing happened with Jenny.
- I am sure nothing
happened with Jenny.
- Thanks.
- [Speaking Italian]
[Upbeat rock music]
- ooh, ooh, ooh
ooh, ooh, ooh
[tires squeal]
Charly mcclain
walking down the street
I listen to your voice
wasting my time
the day startin',
ounce of tryin'
to make up my mind
'cause everything you said
it sat around instead
gaze at the big blue sky
I'm daydreaming away,
away, away
my dreams have fallen
fallen in the deep
but I'm still calling
your name
[Doorbell buzzing]
[Dog snarling]
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
[Dog growling]
- Wrong apartment!
- [Speaking Italian]
Charlie, my friend!
- Oh, right apartment.
Hello, there.
This is pisa.
Badoo.
- [Speaking Italian]
- Come in, come in.
- [Muffled shrieking]
[All speaking Italian]
[Bell rings]
[All speaking Italian]
- No.
[All speaking Italian]
"King of bologna."
[Speaking Italian]
[Yelling]
- I think you need this.
- Thank you, my man.
- Charlie, what brings you
so soon to my city?
- [Coughs]
- My city.
My city.
- I don't want to talk about it.
Let's talk about any--
anything else.
What's the celebration?
- Celebration?
Oh, celebra--
this is from Valentina.
She brings the wine
from her father's restaurant.
Now that you are here,
we will have a real celebration.
Okay?
[Speaking Italian]
I'll be right back.
- [Groans]
- Ciao.
- Hey.
- Valentina.
- Uh, Charlie.
- American.
- Yeah.
- From where?
- Uh, from New York.
- Ah, New York.
Is that for me?
- Yeah, I--
if you think lele
is okay with that.
- Lele?
[Laughs]
Because you're thinking that
lele and I...
[Laughs]
Oh, no.
No, no.
Oh, you're so silly.
No, we are friends.
We grew up together.
- Oh.
Oh.
Cheers.
- Oh, cheers.
- Hey, let's get ready to go
out.
- [Speaking Italian]
- Grazie.
- Charlie, be careful.
If you want to put your biscuit
in Italian meat,
just follow me,
and maybe you'll learn
something.
[Upbeat pop music]
- Bologna is the city
of porticoes.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Huh.
- It's like the city
protects you from the rain.
- Wish it protected you
from the dogs, right?
No, um, you know?
It's not always bad
to get rained on.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
How long are you staying?
- Uh, you know,
I don't really know.
I should probably get,
like, a job or something.
But, you know...
What are you doing tomorrow?
- Lunch with my family.
Why?
- Maybe we could hang out
or something.
- Love is in the air
- [speaking Italian]
[Horn honks]
If you stay,
I would like to see you again.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
For sure.
- Ciao.
Ciao.
- No, go ahead.
- Oh, lele!
- [Speaking Italian]
Bella, Bella.
[Both speaking Italian]
[Subdued pop music]
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
Due rum e pera.
Two rum and pear.
- Acqua con ghiacco.
Water on the rocks.
- Rum and pear?
- Yes.
Listen, first drink some pear
so the bad stuff go down easy.
Like...
Deep throat, you know?
- Preparation is the first step
to success.
- [Speaking italian]
Salute.
- Cheers!
- Charlie, check?
- Testing.
Testing, one, two.
- Check, check.
You there?
Hey, guys?
Hey, Charlie?
You have reached
the sexy girl hotline.
For big boob Sarah, press one.
For amazing bush romina,
press two.
For transsexual Jessica,
press three.
- Okay, come on, lele.
- Oh, what a choice.
You have selected
the best choice: Lele.
Yeah, man.
Oh, your voice make me so horny.
Spank my ass more.
Spank my ass more.
Yeah, like this.
Treat my ass like a dumpster.
Oh, yes.
Again and again.
Oh, yeah.
- [Laughing]
Okay, man.
I think this can conclude
our tour of bologna.
- Oh, come on, man.
I'm kidding.
I'm Italian, you know?
Turn.
Turn around.
Charlie, are you happy to stay
here in bologna with me?
- Yeah, you know, I wish--
I mean, I wish it'd have
been my choice,
but, nah, whatever.
It's awesome being with you,
man.
You turned a bad situation
into a good one,
and what else can you ask for,
you know?
It's far away,
but I feel almost...
At home?
- Brother.
We're a lot closer
than you think.
- All right, well,
a little distance is fine, huh?
- Okay.
Okay, let's go.
- Bella bologna.
- Eh, bologna's beautiful.
Come on,
I'll show you the best part.
See how many girls
there are in my city.
See? It's full.
It's full of girls.
Talk.
Talk to them.
Talk.
- Lele,
I don't have a problem
talking to girls.
But I have a--
I don't like to talk to girls
like you like to talk to girls.
- What?
- I think it's
a translation thing, really,
because you're--you go this
over-the-top kind of love stuff
that, if you were
to say it in English--
I mean, at least in America,
if you were to say it
in English,
I think you would
probably get arrested.
- Charlie, Italian girls
are different.
They all think they are
principessa,
and Valentina
more than the rest, you know?
Be romantic, sweet.
Not drunk.
Not drunk.
And you have to make love.
Like, gently.
Make love gently.
And then...
- Yeah?
- In the end of the night,
when everything is finished,
let her to fell asleep
in your arms.
Sweetly.
- Dude,
I don't know.
- Yeah, no.
You know.
Now you know the pregame.
Because, you know,
around 4:00, 4:30 A.M.,
it's like,
"hey, baby.
Wake up, wake up,"
you know?
We wake up, and now, and you
have to be strong like this.
Like long, long, long, short,
long, long, short.
"Oh, you want a pounding?"
Be strong!
Be a real man!
You know, like,
"choke me!"
Choke me,
spank me,
you know?
[Speaking Italian]
Like...
[Speaking Italian]
Understand?
Whoa, I'm a man.
Feel my power, baby!
Feel my power!
I understand just one thing.
That tonight,
you have to sleep this time
in my bed alone.
You know?
Alone.
- Where are you gonna sleep?
[Cell phone ringing]
- Don't worry.
Hey, amore.
[Speaking Italian]
[Dog growling]
[Dogs whining]
[Dog panting]
- Morning.
- Are you cooking something?
I'm starving.
- Aioli.
- What?
- Olive oil and garlic.
- Uh...
Is it, like, pasta?
- The best pasta in the world.
To make the perfect aioli
is a combination
of science, instinct, and heart.
- You think...
Come to Italy,
eat well,
meet some nice girls,
have some nice wine.
But, you know,
stuff costs money here too.
- You need some [Clicks tongue]?
- Yeah.
- Should come work with me.
- You have a job?
- Make some easy money,
meet some easy girl.
- Sounds easy.
- But you have to eat first.
On the house.
Enjoy.
- Where we going, man?
I mean, are we lost
or something?
- No. Why?
- I don't know.
We've been walking for a while.
- We gonna take bikes.
- We're gonna take bikes?
- Yeah.
- So we can't take them
from the house?
I mean, Christ.
- You stay here.
- Okay.
What, you gonna take a piss?
Badoo, are you stealing those
bikes?
- No, no, no, no.
We're not stealing.
Come on.
We take them
so we can sell them.
- What, back to the people
that own them?
- Charlie, these bikes are
a resource of the community.
Like crops, you know?
- No!
- When they go from one
to another one.
- Oh, okay.
- You find it on the beach.
- That's disgusting.
- Charlie, seashells.
Come on.
Now those people,
they can get new, better bikes.
They happy with that.
- Well, that's stupid.
- Okay, Charlie,
the chain is already broken.
If we leave them here,
someone could steal them...
From us.
Can you believe it?
Get this one.
- No, look, badoo.
I'm not stealing
some chick's bike.
- My God.
Take this one.
A men bike.
Take it.
Come on.
- [Yelling]
[Aggressive rock music]
- Bikes.
Bicicletta.
[Speaking italian]
Bikes.
Bikes!
[Speaking Italian]
- How much?
- 40 Euros, the sandwich,
and it's yours.
- 40 Euros?
Does it come
with the bolt cutters?
- No, those are his.
- Huh.
[Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you sure you need this bike?
I mean, it's obviously stolen.
- Sure.
[Bell ringing]
- Where are you guys from?
- San Francisco.
Here.
Sold.
Where are you from?
- Uh, New York.
- Oh, yeah?
- What are you doing here?
- Um, I getting my master's
in international law.
- Oh. Uh...
- I'm Vicky, by the way.
- Charlie.
- Nice to meet you.
- Elsy.
- Hey.
Uh, that's badoo.
Uh, he's the roommate
of a friend of mine.
- Are you finished with that?
- Does it look
like I'm finished?
- [Sneers]
- We should probably go.
He looks like he's gonna steal
your friend's sandwich.
- Okay.
- You fucking Americans,
always wasting food.
- Wow, he's really charming.
- And he did it.
- Well, he just took
her sandwich.
- He stole my fucking sandwich.
- [Yells in Italian]
- Look, don't worry about.
Well, we'll see you guys around.
- I'd buy you a new one,
but he took the money too.
- Let's just go.
Let's just go.
- See you around maybe,
all right?
- Okay.
- Hey, I've cooked
a wonderful meal for you.
Special meal.
Aioli.
Badoo is from lecce.
- Fuckin' aioli.
[Groans]
- How did work go?
- Well, he made 40.
- Badoo, I want my half.
I'm going to get some real food.
- There's enough.
- After legal costs, you get 10.
You got change?
- We're partners.
We will invest this money
in a bet.
- Is robbing me, like,
the national Italian sport?
- No, no, no.
This bet is on the real national
sport.
Calcio.
- What?
- Today is a game day.
Italia-francia.
[Cell phone ringing]
[Speaking Italian]
Si, si. Ciao.
Ciao bello.
Ciao.
Ciao.
[Speaking Italian]
- [Laughs]
[Conversation in Italian]
- What's going on?
- Joanna's got the chicken pox.
- Eh, we need a player, huh?
Four Italians.
Five French.
The odds are even.
[Bell tolling]
- Hey!
Hey, hey!
- No, no, no, no.
- We need another player.
- Not carmine.
- Come here.
[Ominous electronic music]
[Cheering]
[Rollicking blues music]
[Cheering]
- Oof!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- [Speaking Italian]
[Cheering]
- Pay.
- [Speaking French]
- Hey?
- [Speaking French]
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
[Both speaking Italian]
- Lele, lele, lele.
- [Quietly]
Ah, fuck.
Ciao. Ciao, carmine. Ciao.
- You play well.
You play very well.
I like you, American.
[Dogs barking]
- Il pisa.
- Charlie, sit.
It's almost ready.
- Everybody, I shave!
- What?
You like looking like you're 12?
- And when I cut my hair,
I look five years younger.
Lele, let us see.
- [Singing in Italian]
I shave!
[Groaning laughter]
- Oof.
That looks like a Turkey.
It's got a beak and a gobble.
Why did you do that?
- You asked me to.
- What?
- To let you see.
- Ah, you mean why I shave.
Listen.
Last night, I bagged
this amazing v.I.P. Waitress.
We shave each other
in the shower.
Was very romantic.
Very sexy.
And then, the next day,
I shave again for another girl,
and so for another girl
and another girl,
and again and again.
Now I have to shave
every single day.
I will never see
my beautiful hair
ever again.
- Guys, aioli's ready.
- Ah!
- I'm going for a walk.
[Contemplative pop music]
- Charlie.
Charlie!
[Knocking]
Hey.
- Hey.
- Ciao.
We meet again.
Are you eating something
in here?
- Uh, no.
This is my father's restaurant.
- Oh.
It's really nice.
- Yeah, thanks.
Would you like to eat something?
I don't know, like, aioli or--
or...
- Ooh.
- You ate some today.
- Just a little bit.
- Yeah, I know.
Come in.
Here we have the best ragu
in bologna,
which means the best ragu
in the world,
so, prego.
- Thanks.
I, um, flat don't have
my wallet.
I left it at lele's.
- Charlie, don't worry.
Please.
Sergio.
Sergio.
[Speaking Italian]
Grazie.
- I like the pictures.
- Oh, my grandfather
collected them.
- May I?
- Yeah.
Bravo.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
[All speaking Italian]
- Yeah, I know.
It's our secret family recipe.
It seems like the ingredients
are randomly added,
but each has
its own special role.
[All speaking Italian]
- But my father don't tell me
the ingredients.
- He's the cook?
- Mm-hmm.
He's the boss.
- He's the boss.
He's in charge?
- Yes.
Maybe too much.
He's a little overprotective.
- Everybody needs freedom.
- To liberty.
- To liberty...
And ragu alla bolognese.
[All speaking Italian]
- And did you score a goal?
- No, but neither
did the other team.
- Wow.
- I was on defense,
and there was this guy, carmine,
who we played with.
In America,
we'd call him a thug.
So he got in a fight
with one of them,
and this guy,
he literally could have walked
into the goal
and, like, taken the ball
and dropped it on the ground,
and nobody
would have said anything.
- [Laughs]
Oh, yes.
I know carmine very well.
He works for my father.
- Maybe he was just excited
about the soccer game.
I didn't mean to--
- [laughs]
Don't worry, okay?
Don't worry, Charlie.
Carmine is not important.
Have you found a job?
- No.
- Have you ever worked
in a restaurant?
- Yes.
- So you could come work here?
- Here?
- Yes.
- Just like that?
- Si.
[Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
Ciao.
Ciao.
Charlie--
oh, God!
- Fuck!
- I am throwing a party tonight
at v.I.P.
- Tonight?
- Ooh, mama Mia.
Okay, there's not much time,
but, hey, it's not a problem.
I am the king.
[Speaking Italian]
- Mm?
Blech.
- [Speaking Italian]
Ciao, ciao, ciao, ciao, ciao.
Okay.
[Speaking spanish]
- Penne alla vodka!
Mmm!
Hm?
- Hey.
What's wrong?
- What are you doing today?
- I've got to go work
in the restaurant.
- What time?
- 5:00.
- 5:00.
Your exam's tomorrow
at university.
- We must stop them.
- We will stop them.
- We will stop them!
- Yes.
- Stop them?
- Yes.
We can stop them!
We will stop them!
Okay?
- Okay!
- Finish your pasta.
[Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Grunts]
[Upbeat rock music]
[Bullhorn squealing]
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Yelling in Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
[Cheers and applause]
[Speaking Italian]
[Crowd chanting in Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
- Bravo!
- It's that guy, Charlie.
- I had exams.
I just finished exams.
It didn't do anything.
Don't take them.
- Unbelievable.
- We should go get your
sandwich.
- Oh, hells no.
You really think
I want to talk to him again?
Come on. We got to study.
[Cheers and applause]
- [Speaking Italian]
[Cheers and applause]
[Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
[Spits]
Carmine.
[Speaking Italian]
[Both speaking Italian]
- Perdonami.
- Si.
Perche?
- [Speaking Italian]
[Both speaking Italian]
- Coffee?
- [Speaking Italian]
- Sergio.
- Sergio, si.
Grazie.
- Scusi.
- Si, si.
- [Speaking Italian]
- Il vino.
[Wine sloshing loudly]
[Distorted instrumental music]
[Gunfire]
- [Yelling]
- I'm sorry.
I'll get you a napkin.
Um, excuse me.
My God...
- [Speaking Italian]
Oh, eh?
What are you doing?
Charlie. Eh?
You better be,
because the boss is here,
and he doesn't like very much
the incompetence.
He is particular.
- No, I just lost my balance.
I can get--
I'll be fine.
- You can lost work you want,
but another mistake like this,
and you go in the kitchen,
washing the dishes, okay?
- [Speaking Italian]
- Um, I am so sorry,
signor ferracane.
I didn't mean to spill the wine
on your customers.
- [Speaking Italian]
- Charlie.
- [Speaking Italian]
- I can stay in here.
Um, I wash the dishes--
- no!
[Speaking Italian]
Mmm.
Bene, bene.
[Speaking Italian]
- Ah.
- [Speaking Italian]
[Beeping]
[Dogs barking and growling]
- [Speaking Italian]
- Lele.
Lele.
I need to talk to you.
- The strike worked!
Are you ready for my party?
Every sexy lady in bologna
will be there!
- No, lele, I've been stirring
ragu for five hours.
Just listen to me
for one second, all right?
- We have no time.
No time for words, okay?
We have to go.
Come on.
- Lele.
- [Speaking Italian]
- Look,
I think that Valentina's
family--that carmine too--
I think that they're
in the mafia.
- What?
No!
Guys!
Guys, Charlie has big news.
He suspects that carmine,
[speaking italian] Are...
What?
- They're in the mafia.
- No!
[Derisive laughter]
- Charlie!
I told you that Valentina's
family was particular, eh?
- What?
Particular?
Do you even know
what that word means?
[Audio distorts and echoes]
[Crowd chanting "Charlie"]
- Ah, yes!
[Shouts in Italian]
- Charlie!
Vicky.
- Vicky.
- Elsy.
- How are you?
[Thumping dance music]
So the strike today
was pretty interesting.
- Oh, my God.
You were there?
- Yeah!
That's why we're here.
- I would have been much better
if I could--
you know,
if they understood English.
- I'm sure.
We should try it
in America some time.
- That's a great idea,
now that you guys have
completely fucked up
our semester.
- Oh, come on.
It's not that bad.
- You have nothing to lose!
- [Shrieks]
[Laughter]
Come on, Vicky.
Let's go--now.
I'm over this.
- Really?
- Now.
- You have to leave?
- Listen, uh,
can we hang out tomorrow?
- Of course.
- Okay.
Um, hang on.
Give me this.
Do you have a phone number?
- I don't have a cell phone.
- Okay.
Should we meet tomorrow?
Piazza maggiore?
- Okay.
What time,
like 3:00?
Will you be up by then?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Yes!
- Okay.
Bye.
- Whoo-hoo!
Valentina!
- Charlie!
Ciao!
- Hey, carmine.
- Yeah, whatever, man.
- You want a drink?
- [Speaking Italian]
- Si.
- Ciao.
- Yeah.
Ow, Charlie!
Charlie bit my finger!
[Laughs]
I take a picture.
- Ah, that's beautiful.
- Ah.
- But we're not supposed
to be here.
- Yes, I know.
- Carmine, come.
We got a table right here.
It's the best one in the house.
- Thank you very much
for your kind offer.
But we do have a table reserved
for ourselves, okay?
- I want to stay here.
- Are you serious, dude?
Look, we're fun.
It's cool.
Capisce?
- Okay, now you've crossed
your fucking line.
Either you step outside with me,
or you take a seat,
and you stop the shit.
- Oh, carmine!
[Speaking Italian]
I want to stay here
with my boyfriend.
- With who?
- Your what?
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
Catch you around, man.
[Throbbing club music]
- Ciao, lele.
[Door frame crunches]
[Dog whimpering]
- [Barks]
[Dog yipping]
[Contemplative organ music]
- He practices here every night.
Charlie, come on!
I can't believe you are so slow.
Follow me!
I want to show you something.
Okay, enough.
[Panting]
- Are we going somewhere?
- You choose.
Which way?
- Do I look like
I know where I'm going?
- [Laughs]
- Look, I think we should talk
about carmine for one minute.
- Oh, Charlie.
No.
Just choose.
- I mean, here seems all right.
- Yeah.
- And I don't want to start
sick of listening
please don't teach me
something that I have known
I know your words
are full of romance
but it won't change my ways
'cause I'm sure this time
the turtle will not win
the race
- Caffe?
- Mmm.
[Groaning]
- [Giggles]
Buongiorno.
- Good morning.
- Caffe.
- Thank you.
Oh, smells delicious.
I'm kind of hungry.
- I will make us a picnic today.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Amore.
- Amore?
- Amore.
What?
Lele didn't teach you anything
about Italian women?
- Who?
[Bell tolling and organ music]
[Cheers and applause]
[Whirling pop music]
- Okay, try it.
- Hm.
- Mmm.
Ah!
- No more, though.
You're gonna kill me.
- [Chuckles]
Mmm.
- I think I might look better
in these.
Hold on.
No complaining.
- Oh, thanks.
- What do you think?
- [Chuckling]
- No?
- Oh, yeah.
You're so pretty.
[Cell phone ringing]
Papa?
Si.
Ciao.
[Speaking Italian]
Ciao.
Ciao, ciao.
- Your dad?
- Yeah.
- He say anything about carmine?
- No.
It was about my party.
- Party?
- Yeah, my party tonight.
- Hey.
- My mom will love you.
Okay, give me back
my keys please.
- Why?
- 'Cause you drive
like an American.
- [Chuckles]
[Yelling]
[Shimmering pop music]
- Good morning!
- Oh, my God.
Did you grow, like a pubic hair
polka dot in one day?
Look--
- no, these?
These are mine. Look.
- Oh, my God.
Put something on.
Christ.
- Charlie, last night
was my greatest success.
We came back here
after the party,
and we shaved everyone.
And then I had
my first menage a six.
And you?
What did you do?
- I was with Valentina.
No, man, she's amazing.
- Valentina.
Well, as long
as you are about to die,
I will wake up the girls
so you can die happy
and with clean balls.
- No, thanks.
I am going to see Vicky.
- But being with Valentina
is not risky enough.
Do you want to make her
jealous too?
- Vicky and I are just friends.
It's, um...
Don't worry about it.
Look, I'm late.
I've got to go.
What the fuck
happened to the door?
[Synth-driven pop music]
- Charlie!
Hey.
- Hey.
Excuse me.
- What's up?
- [Grunts]
What, is this,
like, a law school thing?
- No, no.
It's, um,
somebody stole my bike.
It was short-lived,
the pleasure
of that experience.
So I have to get a new one.
This is a bike auction.
[Cheering]
- So probably all these people
have had their bikes stolen,
huh?
- Yeah.
Why, are you getting nervous?
- No, I--you know,
I don't think I'm wanted here.
Why don't we make
a break for it?
- Okay.
- All right?
- When do I get my bike?
- Follow me.
Race you to the end
of the street?
- Okay.
Wait, this is me right here.
- Oh, um...
- Oh, this is me.
- Oh, it's nice.
Listen, I've got to go.
Uh...
- Why don't you come up
for a minute?
Get a coffee?
I'm on the first floor.
- I-I've got to poo.
Bye.
- Okay...
[Sighs]
- Lele, lele, lele.
Lele, lele, lele.
- Oh!
[Speaking Italian]
- Turn off the TV.
- [Speaking Italian]
- Turn off the TV.
- [Speaking Italian]
- Is that fucking videotape?
- No, it's not
fucking videotape.
It's lecce-bari.
Quattro a zero, 2007.
- Look, we have
a fucking problem with carmine.
- So does everyone else.
Carmine is crazy for Valentina.
So maybe you have
the worst problem.
- Listen to me, man.
He was following me today.
He saw me with Vicky.
- Shh.
Now we relax our minds,
okay?
And I think about it.
And the best meditation for me
is to watch calcio on TV.
- Oh, goddamn it, man.
Are you kidding?
- Now I finish this, and then we
can watch lecce-bologna,
lecce-udinese, lecce-inter,
okay?
You understand?
[Speaking Italian]
Carmine's just an asshole.
- Didn't your mom teach you
to close the door?
You know that can be
very dangerous.
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Chuckles]
Get out of my fucking face.
I have a message for you
from don farina.
- Ah!
Fuck!
"I want my package now."
- [Sputtering]
What package?
- You know what package.
The one that you stole
from my friend vito.
- The fucking neapolitan guy?
- Yeah, him.
You know stealing's
a very, very bad crime,
and possibly the worst thing
you guys ever did.
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
You guys are gonna be
at Valentina's party tonight.
Well, so will I.
So make sure
you bring the package.
Or...
I will pay a visit
to that cute little blonde
American girlfriend of yours.
Sit down.
Sit down.
I know the way.
- [Sputters]
Lele, what the fuck was that?
In English.
- Okay.
Carmine thinks Charlie stole
from these neapolitan guys,
and he did it.
You stole their bus.
So the package
must be in the bus.
I call a friend.
They go pick it up.
[Phone line beeps]
[Frantic violin music]
- [Screaming]
- [Speaking Italian]
Ciao, ciao, ciao.
Ciao.
[Speaking Italian]
- [Singing in Italian]
- Go to the mafia party.
- Ciao, ciao.
- This is your plan b?
- Tranquillo, tranquillo.
Men in black.
You are so nice.
Valentina gave you the suit,
yes?
Very mafia.
Do something dirty, yes?
[Applause]
Ah!
Some food!
- Lele, just promise me
you're gonna take this
fucking seriously.
Just--look.
Just do two things, all right?
- Two things.
- No talking to girls.
- No?
- No drinking.
- No drinking.
- What?
- Fast hands.
Like "bouffant," you know?
- Buffoon.
Sergio.
Thanks.
[Singing in Italian]
- Charlie, Charlie.
- Vale!
- Ciao.
I have to introduce you
to everyone.
- You do?
- Yeah.
- Lele.
- Come with me.
- [Speaking Italian]
- Mama.
- Si?
- Mama, meet Charlie.
- Charlie!
- Uh, buono sera,
signora ferracane.
- [Speaking Italian]
- Charlie,
welcome.
- Signor ferracane.
- Listen...
Just because my wife
and my daughter like you
doesn't mean I have to.
Try not to cause
any more trouble.
Please.
- Of course.
- Okay?
Remember.
- Hey.
Come with me.
- [Speaking Italian]
- Scusa.
My father is in many ways
antiquated.
- Well, it was nice of him
to speak in English.
- Valentina, vieni.
- See you in a bit.
- So, motherfucker,
isn't it just great when you
meet your new parents-in-law,
American?
Or shall I call you
Mr. Charlie Edwards?
This belongs to you, right?
So where's that little package
that belongs to me?
- Do you need it now?
- No, I needed it
ten minutes ago, motherfucker.
- Lele has it.
- What?
- I'll go get him.
- Yeah.
Unless you want me
and my friends to go get him.
- No, I'll go get him.
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
- Lele.
- Charlie, Eleanor.
She's Eleanor.
- Eleanor.
- Ciao.
- We play doctors
when we work it.
- Stronzo.
- Grazie.
- What do you mean, "grazie"?
- Lele, come on.
Carmine wants their bag now.
I'd give him a fake one,
but I don't even know
what it looks like.
- [Singing in Italian]
- Lele, lele.
It's the neapolitans.
And they have a bag.
- Maybe it's for carmine.
He doesn't work for free.
You see that bag?
You see, we want that bag, okay?
You understand, yes?
- How do we get it?
- Okay.
Step one,
lele creates a grand casino,
a big mess.
- [Speaking Italian]
- Step two?
- Charlie steals the bag.
- From the mafia?
- Do you prefer to go
on the stage to dance, eh?
- No, I don't want to do
either of those things.
That's your plan?
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
[All speaking Italian]
- [Singing in Italian]
- [Yelling in Italian]
- Hey.
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Mutters]
- [Speaking Italian]
Send in the clowns!
- [Speaking Italian]
- What's going on?
- Bravi, bravi!
- I hate clowns.
- It's a gift from the king
of bullshit.
- [Speaking Italian]
[Whistles tweeting]
- Do you remember when we were
talking about carmine the--
look, it's really important.
Um...
- [Speaking Italian]
- I can't tell you know.
It's too late.
I've got to go.
- Di napoli.
- Ah, di napoli.
[Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
- If you want a plate,
we can use my plate.
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
[Horns honking
and whistles tweeting]
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Clears throat]
[Speaking Italian]
Valentina, Charlie?
Where are you?
Come on up the stage.
Come--
[Speaking Italian]
[Applause]
[Speaking Italian]
Why don't you give us
a toast in English, huh?
Don't be shy.
Come on.
Do toast in English.
Come on, man, huh?
Take it away.
[Applause]
- Scusa.
- You know, it's kind of
interesting to be an American
in Italy without any money,
trying to find, you know,
my way home.
- [Speaking Italian]
- You know, we in America
have a lot of traditions
that we brought--
or that we've--you know,
that your children
have passed down to--I mean,
that your parents gave us--
that your ancestors--
- [speaking Italian]
- And--but, you know, we have a
way of updating those traditions
to, you know, kind of suit
the modern world.
Um, for example, you know,
it's not, like,
totally unheard of
that a couple would get married
in their 40s.
- [Speaking Italian]
[Laughter and applause]
Clang!
- Oh, shit!
It's a real plate.
- [Speaking Italian]
I'll kill you!
[All muttering in Italian]
- Valentina!
[Speaking Italian]
- Signor ferracane,
I would never hurt
your daughter.
Look, she means the world to me.
Please, I would never,
ever hurt her.
It was a mistake.
- A mistake?
That was a mistake?
So when I saw you...
[Makes kissing noises]
Kiss that American girl today,
that was a mistake too,
Mr. Charlie fucking Edwards?
- No, no.
I didn't kiss any American girl.
She kissed me.
No, listen--
- [speaking Italian]
- Look, it's carmine you need
to be worried about.
Carmine, he's the one
that's working against you.
He's working with those guys
over there.
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Growling]
- [Speaking Italian]
- No, no.
He is working with them
with some guy named don farina.
[Crowd gasps]
- Eh?
Farina?
- Boss, boss--
- farina?
- [Chuckles]
[Speaking Italian]
Please, just let me
take care of this fuck.
- [Speaking Italian]
[All speaking Italian]
[Screaming]
- [Speaking Italian]
[Gunshot]
[Screaming]
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Breathing heavily]
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
[All speaking Italian]
- Oh, shit.
Valentina's phone
went right to the message.
- Give me the phone.
[Speaking Italian]
- Are you talking
about fucking soccer?
- No!
It's just because
it's dangerous there.
I thought--
[speaking Italian]
Hey, it's [Speaking italian]
in 20 minutes, okay?
Bye, bye.
- Oh, my God.
He saw Vicky.
We've got to go get her.
Go!
Go, go!
- Hey, I got a text.
Read it.
- 5 bologna, 1 lecce.
- No!
Bologna-lecce!
No!
[Speaking Italian]
Worst day ever!
- Vicky.
[Knocking]
Vicky?
- Vicky!
- Charlie.
- Hey.
- What time is it?
- Okay, I know
it's kind of late,
but we are in trouble,
and we got to stick together.
- Okay.
[Speaking Italian]
Go, go, go!
- Where are we going?
Put me down!
This isn't funny!
- This is for your own good.
- Stop!
- For the tenth time,
I am sorry.
We are in trouble with some
really dangerous people,
and they saw you kiss me
outside of your house,
and now they think
you're part of our group.
- Okay, guilty by association?
That's a fallacy.
- Oh, spoken like a true lawyer.
Listen, I'm gonna make sure
everything is okay,
and then I will personally walk
you back up the stairs
to your house--
I'll carry you--
and then I'll put you
in your bed,
and then--you know what?
You never have to talk
to me again.
- Fine, okay, yeah.
Do that and buy me
a fucking sandwich,
and we're even.
- Oh, lele,
give me your cell phone.
Do you have carmine's number?
- Yeah, you can find him
under carmine mafia.
[Speaking Italian]
- This is so stupid.
This is ridiculous.
[Cell phone ringing]
[Conversation in Italian]
- Carmine.
- Charlie?
- [Speaking Italian]
- Goddamn you, man.
You already caused me
a lot of trouble tonight.
Why don't you say hi
to a mutual friend?
- Charlie?
Charlie!
- I didn't know
the plate was real!
I'm sorry!
I have your bag.
So how are we gonna do this?
- Yeah, I know you
have my money
and these poor guys' documents.
But I still got your passport
and, hey, I got your girlfriend.
So be at the
mercato ortofrutticolo
at 5:00 A.M. sharp or--
I swear to God,
and I hate to say it--
Valentina's not gonna see
the light of day.
- Let me talk
to Valentina again.
- No!
- Fuck!
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
- Ortofrutticolo.
The worst place in the world.
Bravo, bravo.
The police don't know
where is it,
and you have the date
at mercato ortofrutticolo.
- 5:00 A.M.
- At 5:00 A.M.
Aw, full of people, eh?
- You know what, you guys?
When I got to bologna,
I'd lost everything.
I mean, my parents kicked me out
on my ass.
They stole my money.
They stole my passport.
But I learned something
from you guys.
If you're in, like, a real just
clusterfuck of a situation--
- clusterfuck?
- Uh, like--
- yes, like a menage a trois.
- No, no.
Like, um, a grand casino.
Clusterfuck.
You know, like that.
The way that you get out of it
is just by throwing
right back at it
an even bigger clusterfuck.
I'm talking about something
so crazy
that nobody can imagine
what is about, you know,
to hit them, right?
So, look.
In America,
we have this idea
that we're a melting pot.
- Melting pot?
- Okay, I'm gonna do
this Italian style for you
just so we all understand
each other.
Think about a really good plate
of pasta.
- [Speaking Italian]
- I can't believe this shit.
Um, no, look.
Something your mother would
make, like a ragu.
Ragu has a lot of ingredients.
The more you put in,
the better it gets.
What, you got some carrots,
some celery, some tomatoes--
doesn't matter.
You can add anything,
and the best cooks look like
they're throwin' stuff in
at random.
But they have experience
with every ingredient in there.
It's a part of them.
So what looks like a giant pot
of clusterfuck
becomes the most delicious plate
that you guys have.
So listen.
We have our differences.
I mean, where we're from,
you know,
whether rich or poor,
straight or gay,
what we need to do tonight
is mix up a big clusterfuck
of revenge with everything
we've got
and serve it up cold to carmine
and those bastards.
A big, nasty clusterfuck
of ragrevenge,
alla bolognese.
And I've got the recipe
right here
and a pot big enough
to mix it in.
- Clusterfuck.
- Clusterfuck!
[All chanting "clusterfuck"]
[Jangly rock music]
All right,
just take any mental notes
on any illegal stuff
they're doing.
- They have guns,
and they kidnapped her--
well, yes, you kidnapped me too,
so you're even.
Do we have guns?
- We have fire.
- Charlie Edwards.
I can see you got my bag.
Okay.
Let me see
if the money's inside.
- [Speaking Italian]
- This is ridiculous.
- [Speaking Italian]
- Now you listen to me.
I'm torching everything
in this bag
unless you do exactly as I say.
Put the guns down.
[All speaking Italian]
- He still has his gun.
You just gonna let him
keep his gun?
- Okay, now what?
- How do you want
to handle this?
- Send the girl over
when I count to three,
and I'll throw you the bag.
One...
Two...
Three!
- [Speaking Italian]
- How do we leave?
- Just wait.
[All speaking Italian]
- Just wait for what?
- [Speaking Italian]
[Dogs barking]
[Yelling]
[Boisterous rock music]
- [Speaking Italian]
[Yelling]
- [Speaking Italian]
[Cheering]
[Dogs barking]
- [Speaking Italian]
[Barking and yelling]
- Badoo!
- [Speaking Italian]
[Dogs barking]
[All speaking Italian]
- So are you gonna come
to New York with us?
- I have to see my father.
Sorry about the plate.
- No, I think it's better.
I think you stopped
my speech before--
well, you know, I wouldn't want
to look like an ass
in front of your family.
- No, don't worry.
You saved my life.
- How romantic.
- Vicky.
Sorry about kidnapping you
in the middle of the night.
I didn't--
- you're an idiot.
- Hey, where are you going?
Eh?
I love you.
Breakfast, lunch together?
I'm rich.
I can--
- vaffanculo.
Give me this.
[Grunts]
And remember, if you need
a lawyer, don't call me.
- [Chuckles]
"Don't call me."
[Both speaking Italian]
- Ciao.
Charlie.
- It's my passport.
- Yes.
- Did you look at the photo?
- Oh.
You're so pretty with long hair.
- [Speaking Italian]
- Ciao.
- Badoo.
[Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
[All speaking Italian]
- Hey, guys.
What the fuck are you thinking?
Look, that is dirty,
dirty mafia money.
We can't flash it around
everywhere.
Look, okay, new rules.
No illegal purchases,
no flashiness,
and this way,
the next time we see each other,
it's not in jail, okay?
- Okay.
- Promise?
- Okay.
- [Speaking Italian]
- See you guys.
- Ciao.
[Yelling in Italian]
[Dogs barking]
- Nothing lasts
as you have said
play with fire
this week
and I'm afraid
of it now
I was told that giving up
was not a good thing
for us
but us is not me
- [shouting in Italian]
- Sick of listening
please don't teach me
something that I have known
I know your words
are full of romance
but it won't change my ways
'cause I'm sure this time
the turtle will not win
the race
I've come to this point
day by day
I needed proof
and guess what?
It came in late
yeah
lost more than
I would have gained
[Cell phone ringing]
Bonk!
[Peppy rock music]
- [Singing in Italian]