Andrew Santino: Cheeseburger (2023) Movie Script
1
["Hold On, Here It Go" playing]
[crowd cheering]
[announcer] Denver,
give it up for Andrew Santino!
[crowd cheering]
Yeah! Come on!
[crowd continues cheering]
Yeah!
Denver, Colorado, thank you!
[crowd cheering]
Yeah.
Oh!
You guys, the best.
Thank you for coming out.
I'm glad to do it here.
I wanted to do it in Denver.
I wanted to do it before, uh
But, uh, China had other plans, and
[chuckles]
Little 'Roney hiccup.
We had a little hiccup for the Ronies.
I got it, and then I got the vaccine.
I had friends that were like,
"Dude, you already had it."
"You don't need to get the vaccine."
And I was like, all right, I understand
what you're saying, but they just
I wanted to hear out the antivaxxers.
I wanted to hear what they had to say.
I'm a contrarian.
Let me hear what they got to say.
But their PR was terrible.
[crowd laughing]
They had, like, one meeting and were like,
"You don't know what's in it."
That's not going to work.
I had a bratwurst three days ago.
I've never known what's in those things.
Have you ever
known what's in those things?
What are you talking about.
"Don't know what's in it,"
is the most fun phrase.
We used to do ecstasy
in high school all the time.
Yeah, not Molly.
Not that pussy shit you guys do today.
We did Drano, dude, we did Drano drips.
I'm glad it's I'm glad
I'm done with it, dude, it's nuts.
My dad, dude,
my dad got it and didn't tell anybody.
And then went to the ER,
didn't tell anybody.
Got out, and then gave me a ring.
I swear to God, he called up, he was like,
"Hey, just got out of the hospital."
I was like, "Are you okay? Did you fall?"
Because at certain ages,
they just fall a lot.
He's like, "Nah, 'Rona."
I was like, "Oh my God!"
"Are you okay?"
He's like, "Dude, in and out."
"Five days, in and out.
Knocked it right out."
Like, that's a work week.
That's a long time
to be in the ER.
He was like, "No big deal, though."
I was like, "Were you on a ventilator?"
He's like, "No! At night, they gave
me a breathing thing and I was fine."
[laughs] I was
I talked to my buddy who works in the ER.
I was like, "Yeah, he didn't
want to tell anybody he got sick."
He's like, "Yeah, that's a thing.
His generation, their ego, their pride,
they don't want
to admit that they got it."
He's like, "But he shouldn't feel bad."
"There's so much more weird shit
that goes on in the ER."
And I'm like, "I know. I bet.
Tell me. I want to hear it."
He's like, "I can't, dude.
It's like, doctor-patient privileges,
and it's unprofessional.
It's kind of unethical."
And I was like, "I've gotten
high with you between shifts."
So, let me know. You know what I mean?
He goes
He goes, "All right. One time, this guy,
him and his girlfriend
were playing with sex toys,
and they were using
them on each other, having a good time."
"They had this thing
called the Screaming Bullet,
just a little tiny vibrator,
and they were using it."
"And then she decided
to flip the script, use it on him,
change it up, change up
the batting order, we'll see who's next."
"So she's using it on him,
and I don't know if
the tides were strong that day,
or the moon was in retrograde or whatever,
but it just [sucking sound]
"got sucked up inside of his ass."
"Yeah, his ass was like,
'Give me that vibrator!'"
Like when you used to lose
a cassette tape in the deck of the car
and you're like, "No, no, no, no!"
It's never coming out.
And your car would tease you,
it'd spit it back out,
but suck it in and go, "Bleh-eh."
"Bleh-eh."
So this poor gentleman had
a little mini-vibrator in his butt,
just banging off the walls.
Like Brick Breaker, just like,
"Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop."
And they couldn't
get it out of this poor fella.
And so this gentleman had to go
to the ER where my buddy works at.
This guy went to the ER. Yeah.
Instead of killing himself,
he went into the ER.
Instead of obviously
[imitates gunshot]
No way am I going to the ER!
People are saying
goodbye to their loved ones.
People are like, "Nana, don't go.
We're going to miss you, Nana."
And you got to walk by like
[vibrating sound]
"Sir, sit down."
"It's way worse if I sit down!"
"It'll echo through the halls."
[crowd laughing]
I'm weary of
the medical profession to begin with.
Do I have any doctor fans?
Raise your hand if you're a doctor.
- [people whooping]
- No way!
Blown away.
I'm just weary of the medical profession.
I appreciate everything you guys do.
I just think sometimes, you know,
sometimes you're just
fucking with us a little bit.
Like, you know the phrase,
"He'll never walk again"?
You've all heard that.
Everyone in here has heard,
"Oh, he'll never walk again."
What ends up happening?
Walks again!
Walks again every...
Has never not walked again.
Has always walked again.
And here I was, stoned at,
like, three in the morning watching TV,
and they threw on
one of those sad commercials
that's like a two-minute commercial with,
like, a dog or a veteran or an old person
to just get you really
riled up at night for some reason.
And I'm stoned,
and they throw this dude on the TV,
and it zoomed in on his face,
and he goes,
"They told me I would never walk again."
"Well, look at me now."
And I was like, "Please don't show it."
Look, all respect,
but I know what it looks like,
and I don't want to see it while I'm high.
'Cause I'm gonna laugh.
I'm sorry. I'm gonna laugh.
So don't show it.
And, of course, he goes, "Look at me now."
And they zoom out,
and there he is on the parallel bars,
and they've got this poor guy
baby-deering to the camera.
Like a marionette.
And I'm losing it.
I'm dying laughing,
and I feel like a bad person,
but I didn't need to see it.
I don't need proof.
No one wants you to prove it.
I believe you.
Good. Good for you.
They would never show it
if it was the other way.
They would never go,
"They told me I'd never walk again
And, boy, were they right."
[imitating electric wheelchair]
No.
No.
Because going to the doctor
is scary enough.
It's already scary to hear
these other phrases. It's scary. You know?
My dad had prostate cancer,
and then it freaked everyone else.
Like, "Oh my God. I gotta go
get an exam. I gotta go get checked out."
You know?
And so I went. I had to go check it out,
go see what's going on in there.
And there's no way to prepare you
for a prostate exam as a guy.
There's not.
There's some guys out there
that go, "I know a trick."
You're like, "Well".
It's different than you think.
For the first time in my life,
when I went to get a prostate exam,
I kind of understood
what it might be like to be a woman,
to hook up
with someone for the first time.
I did. A little bit, ladies.
Like, I got it a little bit.
Because I was in this cold,
uncomfortable room
with no art on the walls. It was
Very well-lit for some reason.
I was just in there alone.
And then he just pops in,
real confident and brazen and
he just goes, "Take your clothes off."
And I was like, "Oh my God."
"You don't wanna chat or nothing?"
So I do.
And then he goes, "Bend over the table."
And at that point,
I was like, "Ooh, you're naughty."
I bend over this table,
and I hear him applying just
an absurd amount of lube to his finger.
Like a first-timer, like a rookie,
just layering it up.
And I gotta tell you something,
he goes right in.
They go right in.
They go right in there, dude,
they don't give you a countdown.
There's no warning.
There's no, like,
"A-one and a-two and a right in the poo."
- [crowd laughing]
- No.
No.
He slides right in there
and jams himself into you.
And, girls, he doesn't care
about how I feel about it at all.
Just having his way with me.
And he's in there,
and he literally goes, "Do you feel that?"
And I was like,
"Show me the guy that said no."
Let me meet the gentleman
that was like, "No, I don't feel a thing."
"Why don't you throw another
digit in there and see what happens?"
Yeah, I felt every piece of it.
And he just had his way.
Didn't care about me at all.
Just did his thing.
And then, out of nowhere [popping sound]
took his finger out,
takes off the rubber,
and goes, "I'm good."
And he leaves.
Ladies, he leaves me there.
I've got my pants on my ankles,
I'm shivering,
I've got lube dripping out
of my asshole onto my jeans.
I'm scared like a little kid
that's been left at an amusement park
without his parents.
He didn't get anything to help me wipe up.
I have to go across
the room with my pants on my ankles
just to get paper towels
so I can wipe front to back.
It was embarrassing.
And he never called,
the asshole never called.
Pig.
He was a pig.
[crowd cheering, applauding]
I thought Look, I thought I was going
to be prepared for the prostate exam,
because I'm going to admit
something to you guys, all right?
Sometimes, when I masturbate,
I like to tickle my butthole
with my free hand.
Yeah.
But that phrase, um, used to scare me.
I used to lose sleep
at night over that phrase.
Yeah, I can't believe I admitted it now,
because for years, I was scared.
Every time I would do it, I'd be done
and just walk around my house being like,
"You're a bad guy. You're a bad".
"They're going to get you, man.
You're going to prison for that."
But, yeah. So I tickle
my butthole with my hand.
Big deal. But I used to be
scared about it. Used to...
Dude, Catholicism got
so deep in my head as a kid,
I thought that I was
going to hell because of it.
I was scared, dude,
that people were one day going to find out
that when I masturbate,
I put a finger inside of my butt.
How crazy to be scared of that thought?
Who cares?
Every woman I ever dated,
every girl I ever started
to have feelings for,
I was like, "Oh, she's going to know.
She's going to find out somehow."
"She's going to catch me doing it,
or I'm going to have to
admit it to her at some point."
"She's finally going to have
to come to grips with the fact
that when I masturbate,
I put a couple fingers inside of my ass."
But I don't care anymore.
Tell everybody you know!
[crowd cheering]
Ten people. Tell ten people.
Tell ten people, spread the word.
Let the world know.
Andrew Santino
fists himself when he jerks off.
[crowd laughing, cheering]
This one.
I think it's a good thing
that we can come to grips
with our own sexual deviance,
with your own likes.
That's what you're allowed.
You should be allowed to feel
whatever you want to feel, man.
Good thing we're entering a new time
when people can feel comfortable
being who they really are,
because we couldn't do that
when I was a kid.
You couldn't. When I was a kid,
you couldn't do any of that stuff.
If you grew up in the '80s and '90s,
if you did anything non-masculine,
if you did anything
remotely non-masculine as a dude,
the whole neighborhood was like, "Fag!"
"Ha-ha! Santino's a fag!"
And I'd be like, "I'm hugging my dad."
They'd be like,
"Okay, fag. Suck his dick, dude."
"You heard what he said, Pops.
We got to do it."
It was crazy. That's crazy.
I don't care about the judgment anymore.
Because you don't know what other people
like and don't like. You know?
You don't know.
Who are you to judge other people?
Jesus was gay.
[crowd laughing]
Tell me Jesus wasn't gay.
I watched a whole documentary on this guy,
the whole time I was like, "Damn!"
It was wild. He was beautiful.
He was so hot, this guy. Just jacked.
Like an eight-pack, skinny,
beautiful long, straight hair.
Never fucked girls.
What are you talking about, dude?
He could have had anybody in town.
Have you seen his competition?
Have you seen anybody
from that time period?
Horrific creatures.
Everybody walking around like
[with cockney accent] "Hello, Jesus."
They all had ailments he had to fix.
No, but instead the guy washed dude's feet
and got followed around
by 12 dudes all day long.
All his magic was gay.
All his magic was gay.
A straight dude would be like,
"Do you want to see me cannonball
into this lake and make
all the water come out of it?"
And he was like, "Do you want
to see me tiptoe across a pond?"
Even the way he died,
they had him up there.
A straight dude would be like,
"I died doing what I love, man."
And he was like, "Oh, I'll be back."
"Wait till my daddy hears about this."
He was like, "I can change water."
Everyone's like, "Make beer!"
He's like, "What about Pinot noir?"
Tell me this isn't
the gayest phrase you've ever heard.
"What if we do, like, a Last Supper?"
"We'll have that boy from town paint us.
You know, the one with a bad eye."
And I don't care if he was,
I'm not saying it
with negative connotation.
I'm just saying, who cares?
Mind your own business. Aren't you full?
Why are we caring so much about what
other people do with their personal time?
Don't you got enough shit going on
to care about other people's stuff?
[crowd cheering]
Mind your own business.
Do you remember that?
We used to do it all the time.
I remember being a teenager
and I watch a guy
get robbed on the subway.
He was like, "Help."
And I was like, "No, no, no."
I got, like, two stops left.
That's insane. I'm not gonna help you.
We used to do it a lot. You know?
It was something my mom taught me.
For a while, she was a single mother.
You know, and we weren't poor,
but she would let us steal.
You understand?
I don't know if you had that, but
If it looked good enough, she'd be like,
"Take it, take it, take it,
take it, take it, take it now. Take it."
"Put it in your pocket and take it."
And we get caught, you know?
And she was such a good actor.
She'd be like, "Andrew!"
"I am so sorry. Andrew! Get over here."
And then we'd get
out of earshot and she'd be,
"You gotta hide it better, buddy.
You know that."
"You gotta hide it a little bit better."
And we never spoke
about this for some reason, ever.
We never spoke about this,
but at my grocery store as a kid,
there were these plexiglass bins,
and in them they'd have
nuts and candy and chocolate,
and you could weigh by the pound.
Don't know if you had that,
but you'd get your groceries
and you'd weigh
by the pound whatever you got.
And we never
spoke about this one time, ever.
Even until this day.
We joked about it
when she saw me do this joke.
She used to stand in front of the bins,
lift up the smallest one to the ground,
and just stand guard
and let me go to town.
And I'd just shovel candy
in my little orangutan face.
And when I was done,
we wouldn't say anything.
I would tap on her thigh,
and she would close it,
and we'd walk away.
And one time,
this guy came down the aisle,
this rat, this snitch.
He came down the aisle and he goes,
"Hey, you have to pay for that."
And as smoothly
as I've ever seen my mother,
simultaneously close
and call out, she goes,
"Mind your own fucking business!"
And he did.
[crowd cheering]
This guy, he fucked right off.
It was great.
He was like, "Oh yeah, I'm an asshole.
I should get out of here."
"That's a child."
Yeah, you got to
mind your own business, dude.
Pay attention to your own life.
You got your own thing going on.
The world is collapsing as we speak, dude.
Have fun. It's over.
It's over, dude.
It's 156 in LA right now.
Look, I know global warming's real.
I know it's real.
There is no question in my mind.
But also,
it's pretty impressive.
It's pretty impressive
that this thing's been around
for four and a half billion years.
We've been around
for 6,000 for civilization,
200,000 as a race,
and we broke it.
That's pretty rock and roll, dude.
You're a pussy-ass Earth, is what it is.
It's sad. It's disgusting.
No, it's it's awful. It's awful.
But I also don't want
to be yelled at about it,
because it's such a massive problem
that you're like, "Why are you yelling
at me about the globe heating up?"
That's crazy.
I'm not the one that dumped
millions of gallons into the ocean of oil.
I didn't do any of that stuff.
Why are you yelling at me?
I don't like that.
Don't yell at me, all right?
Like, they sent that kid out,
Greta Thunberg,
they sent a child to yell at us.
They sent a child to yell at you,
and you took it. All of you just took it.
And I'll say, this, dude,
good on that little girl for having,
like, the bravery and the confidence
to stand up for something she believes in,
for her generation,
something that she really cares about,
and to talk to adults like that about
something she's passionate about.
Like, good for that kid, dude.
That's impressive.
[crowd whooping]
But also, shut up,
you little asshole. Fucking
[crowd laughing, cheering]
You never paid a mortgage, you dick.
You don't know how hard this is.
You never got a parking ticket
when you got 19 bucks left to your name.
Shut up.
Also, I know she's from Sweden,
but I didn't like
that little Nazi twang in her voice.
You heard it.
When she was like, "Shame on you!"
You're like, "Hey, hey, hey. What is that?
Is that Nazi shit? What was that?"
Don't yell at me about shit
I can't control, that's the thing.
I can't control that.
Why are you yelling at me
about something I can't control?
And they bully us about it.
They took away straws in California.
They made them illegal
in some states to serve. It's insane.
And they took them away
and we were like, "All right, I guess."
No one asked for proof.
No one was like, "Why are you doing this?"
And they threw away,
they go, "Uh, turtles. Turtles are dying."
And we just were like,
"Oh, okay. Seems reasonable."
Does it?
Where?
Where are all these turtles?
I'm almost 40,
I've seen six turtles my whole life.
You're telling me millions of turtles are
dying with straws lodged in their heads?
Where? Show me the shells.
Show me the shells
and I'll stop using them.
I don't buy it.
I'm not a smart man,
but that math does not add up.
The physics on that is crazy.
Ocean, big.
Ocean, big.
Big ocean, yeah?
Ocean big, straw float.
Turtle move.
Tied strong and ocean big.
Ocean big, turtle move,
tide strong, straw float.
You're telling me all
these elements line up perfectly
for a straw to get in
a less-than-five-millimeter hole, gah,
in a turtle's head?
That's like me flicking a Q-tip in the air
and catching it in the tip of my penis.
[crowd laughing]
[cheering]
I don't know.
Look, again, I believe it's real.
I just know it's white people problems.
Whites did this.
The whites are at it again.
They are. White people
want something to complain about.
Their lives are
pretty easy, so they're like,
"I gotta get mad about something."
Black people, for years have been,
"The police are killing us."
We've been like, "All right, Jamal,
we're thinking about
the polar bears right now."
"Cool it out, pal."
Thinking about a bear
that lives thousands of miles away,
and you care more about that
than humans that live amongst you?
That's not crazy? That's crazy shit.
That's fucked up. We're fucked up, man.
And the only reason
you like that bear is because it's white.
That's the only reason.
That's the only reason, dude.
What about brown and black bears?
You guys are like,
"Those are dirty bears."
"They live close to the city.
They're bad bears."
"And they steal. They steal."
"From picnickers
Or picnickas,
I don't know if you can say it now."
But.
I don't know.
No, it's crazy. It's crazy.
It's nuts. Look, maybe
polar bears got to go. I don't know.
We've never done this before.
This is our first time doing this thing.
Thousands of species have come and gone.
Maybe it's time for polar bears to go.
Maybe the universe is like, "Polar bear.
[whistles] Ya gotta go. Ya gotta go."
"Wrap it up. You got to go."
"We got something else coming in, dude."
Remember dinosaurs?
Pretty good thing
they're not around anymore.
Otherwise, you'd leave
the show tonight like, "Fun show."
"Yeah, good time." "Great time."
"All right, you guys."
"Goodbye."
"Go, go, go, go, go, go."
"Get in! Get in!"
Every day.
Look, I know it's real.
I know global warming is real.
I'm just saying it's not my fault.
I didn't do all of it,
so stop giving me all the blame.
Meanwhile, politicians,
they keep doing this stuff to us
because they want us
to hate each other, get distracted.
They get away with everything.
We don't scrutinize them for shit.
We get yelled at,
they take no responsibility
for the stuff that they cause.
Where is Joe Biden?
Where is that guy?
That was the craziest thing on Earth.
We got bamboozled.
And when I talk shit about Joe Biden,
particularly living in LA,
immediately, everyone where I live
acts like they jumped into a cold pool.
They're like [whimpers, gasps]
They can't believe I would mock the dude.
But he stinks! And here's the deal.
Here's the deal. You got tricked.
Admit that you got tricked.
You got a white for a white. Bad trade.
[crowd whistling, cheering]
Bad trade.
Forever, you guys are like,
"Trump, piece of shit."
"Let's get this old, white, out-of-touch
piece of shit out of the White House."
And I was like, "Yeah, get him out!
What are we putting in?"
And they were like, "An old,
white, out-of-touch piece of shit."
We lost.
[crowd applauding]
That's an "L," dude. That's an "L."
You got a white for a white. Bad trade.
You got an Accord for a Civic,
it's the same car.
Guy's like, "No, this one
doesn't have the N-word button on it."
Yes, it does. It's underneath the thing.
They just hid it better.
He stinks. And this is
the problem I have, right?
It's more the idea
that we wanted progress and change.
And as a society,
that's what we're trying to do,
inclusivity, right?
We're trying to change
the way this country looks.
And so there's
a Black woman in the White House.
She's right there.
What the fuck is she doing?
What is she doing?
I got two words for Kamala Harris,
push him.
Lady
How bad do you want to be President, lady?
It's right there, home is open.
Steal home. Go, go. Go, go, go, go.
Come on, Kamala. One hip nudge.
One hip nudge.
He folds like origami.
Right down to the earth.
Boom. You're President.
Don't you want it bad?
Have one meeting in a basement.
Have one meeting in a basement.
"Down here, Joe."
[in old man voice] "You down
that rickety stairwell, Cababala?"
"These stairs seem wet.
And there's no handrail."
[normal voice] In my mind it's Home Alone.
She has a bucket of paint.
She's like, "Come on, you old fuck."
You know he doesn't know her name.
What is he, the only
70-year-old white guy that's not racist?
Shut up.
You know he saunters around there,
and he's like, "Bring me the Black."
And they're like, "All right, Joe,
we can't say that anymore, buddy."
"We can't say that. Sit down.
Eat your soup. Sit down."
"Sit down."
No, the guy stinks, but here's the thing.
The guy before him
was a fucking dipshit too.
[crowd cheering]
This is what I'm trying to say,
you're allowed to hate
all these psychopaths equally.
You know that, right?
You can like none of these guys.
They all suck.
They all suck. They're not on your team.
They're not your friend.
They don't give a shit about you.
They all went
to Epstein's island, all of them.
It was crazy that, like, 15 years ago,
psychopath Alex Jones
was talking about it, was like,
"There's an island where they fuck kids."
"And the frogs are gay."
Back then we were like, "This guy's nuts!"
And now we're like, "He was right!"
The frogs are gay!
You see 'em hopping around,
lily pad to lily pad. It's gross!
No, Epstein's island was a real thing.
The flight logs are on the Internet.
You can look them up. They're there.
They're right there.
You can see who's on there.
All the hits are on there.
All your boys, they're all on there.
Bill Clinton went there,
allegedly, 26 times.
That's so many times.
Those aren't layovers.
That is a direct flight, dude. That
wasn't like, "Where do we have to stop?"
"Oh, Epstein's. Oh, shit. Okay, well."
"When in Rome, saxophone."
[imitates playing saxophone]
Come on.
But make no mistake,
I love shitting on Biden,
but also shitting on Trump.
That guy was a dumb,
fat piece of shit too.
That guy stinks.
Guy was an idiot.
Guy was a fucking idiot.
He went after Mexicans,
which I hated the most.
Because I live in Southern California.
I really, really like Mexicans, okay?
[crowd cheering]
Don't fuck with my Browns, man.
Don't fuck with my Browns.
He went after Mexicans,
and I didn't like it. I hated it.
He was like [in Trump's voice]
"They're lazy criminals."
[in normal voice] Was like, lazy?
Have you met any of these people?
If you haven't, it's because
they're working their third job that day.
And criminal? It's like
That one's true. But I feel.
I know my cleaning lady
is stealing from us.
There's no doubt in my mind.
I'm always like,
"Maria, those are your shoes?"
"You're a size 12 in Jordans?
Those are yours?"
[as Maria] "These are my shoes,
Mr. Andrew. These are my shoes."
[normal voice] The guy was crazy.
The guy is crazy.
He's also a dick. He was mean as shit.
He was mean. He was a bully.
He was a dickhead, right?
And if you're going to be mean,
you gotta be fun.
George Bush was mean,
but he was kind of fun. [Chuckles]
He had that little
bobblehead wobble about him.
He'd say crazy shit,
but be followed up with something fun.
He'd be like, "We're gonna
bomb the shit out of Iraq."
You'd be like, "Oh my God."
He'd be like,
"Now watch me hit this drive."
And we were all like, "Yeah, bomb Iraq.
What're you gonna do?"
Nah, Trump was just mean. Just mean.
"Build a wall." So stupid.
"We'll build a wall." Mean.
Build a maze. That's fun.
Yeah, I want 'em in here.
Let's make them work for it a little bit.
Couple of turnarounds and go-backs.
"He said that end.
He said that end." You know?
Know what I want at the border?
I want the American Ninja Warrior
course at the border so bad.
Yeah, man.
You want citizenship,
you got to conquer Midoriyama live.
On FOX.
I would love to do
the post game interviews.
That's what I want,
the post game interviews.
The wrap-ups, when they fail.
Just be like, "Alejandro, Alejandro,
what happened out there?"
[panting] "Well, Andrew".
The first time I was here.
"I couldn't do the Warped Wall.
I fuck up at the Warped Wall."
"This time it was the Salmon Ladder.
I can't do the Salmon Ladder."
"Well, you know, you get three tries."
"I know."
"I can be back in October
to fuck shit up in the fall, baby!"
Yes.
I was shocked Trump lasted four years.
Four years was wild to me.
Four years, and nobody
Nobody, you know? Nobody
Nobody?
Pew.
[imitates machine gun]
[imitates explosion]
[imitates stabbing]
Nobody. Nobody.
Not once.
I'm not advocating
for killing a President,
but we used to try.
We used to give it the old college go.
We got some of our best.
In a theater like this.
I mean, we got one in
[crowd laughing]
I went to the
I went to the spot where JFK got shot.
I went there to Dallas when I was on tour.
We stood on the X.
You can stand right where it happened.
We looked up at the book depository,
and simultaneously,
we turned to each other and we were like,
"It's a good shot."
It was far. It was impressive.
We're just
We're entering this new time now
where, you know,
comedy is in this weird space
because people have this narrative
that kind of gets pushed
around by you guys more than us.
That it's like,
"Ooh, what can comedians say?"
"What are you allowed to say now?"
You can say anything you want, right?
Doesn't mean there's
not gonna be consequences.
But you've always been able
to say whatever you want.
There might be consequences of it, right?
Like, Chappelle went
after the trans people,
and trans people got mad.
And people were mad that they got mad,
and then they were mad
Chappelle said what he said.
But this is
The issue.
We live in this place where the beauty is
he can say that stuff.
They also have
a right to be very upset at that.
And that's the duality
of the America that we live in,
that you're allowed to hate it,
they're allowed to say it.
We got to keep fucking moving.
That's kind of how it goes.
[crowd cheering]
But they have every right
to be mad at what he says. That's fine.
And he is gonna say
what he wants to say.
Chappelle is the GOAT after all.
He's the GOAT, you know.
[crowd cheering]
He's the Greatest of All Trans, and
[crowd laughing]
How funny would it be?
On his next special,
he just comes in heels.
He's like, "Got ya, bitch!"
David.
You did it again.
Yeah, that's the world
we live in, you know?
We're going to say weird, dumb shit.
We agree to this thing.
When you guys come to these rooms,
you agree to be a part of this thing.
You're a part of it. Make no mistake.
There's always this thing
where it's on us. It's on you too.
You're a part of it
because you're in this secret little room
where we've kind of agreed to it.
And outside of these walls,
it's a different set of rules.
But in here, for some reason, it's not.
It's strange. Like, what's your name?
- What's your name?
- Brian.
Brian? Brian, you having
a fun time tonight?
- Yes.
- Yeah?
[grunts]
[crowd laughing]
That's not funny. That's not funny at all.
Brian doesn't deserve
for me to jerk off on him.
Brian doesn't deserve that.
But you guys were like,
"Ah-ha-ha-ha! Jerking off on Brian!"
'Cause you're in here.
You wouldn't let that go out there.
Out there that's, "No, no, no."
If I bumped into Brian on the street,
I was like, "Hey, man." He's like, "Hey."
And I was like [grunts]
You guys would be like,
"Lock that guy up."
And I'm sorry,
but that's my point,
you're a part of it.
Because you're here,
you're in on this thing.
You're creating this thing with us,
you know?
You do this all the time.
You do this all the time.
America loves art, but we don't wanna know
where it comes from.
"Don't tell me.
Don't wanna know where it comes from."
We do this a lot, but you're a part of it
just as much as I am.
You know, Amy Winehouse,
her number one song was
They tried to make me go to rehab
And I said, "No, no, no"
And then she died of a heroin overdose.
And you guys were just like,
"What happened to Amy?"
"Was she sick?"
You're an idiot.
You have to recognize
you're as much a part of this as we are.
You're responsible too.
And I was having this,
like, crazy emotional breakdown
a couple of months ago.
I called my lady, I was like,
"I don't know what I want right now."
She's like,
"What do you want from comedy?"
"What do you want from
all this shit that you're doing?"
And I said,
"I just want to be a cheeseburger."
She was like,
"You gotta go to the hospital."
"That's Something's wrong."
And I meant what I said,
I just want to be a cheeseburger.
That's all I want.
I don't need some crazy legacy.
I don't need to live on forever.
I just want you to enjoy me
right now while you have me.
That's all I really want.
[crowd cheering]
But just know that you guys
are all eating a different cheeseburger.
That's what I'm talking about.
You're creating it and making it
taste the way you want it to taste,
picking and choosing what you like,
what you don't,
what you're offended by,
what you agree with,
what upsets you, makes you happy.
You're building your own cheeseburger.
So let me be the cheeseburger,
but also know you're fucking making it.
You made it.
You're the creator of this world
just as much as we are. You know?
But I learned that I don't know
how much I care about legacy.
I think I wanna enjoy it now.
And there's this idea,
a lot of people want legacy.
They want to live forever,
whether it's through
something they've done
or through children they have.
I tried to have kids,
it's been a tough road. I'm not gonna lie.
It's been really, really hard.
We did everything.
I was taking vitamins and supplements
and nutrients and CoQ10 and Proxeed.
I changed my diet, my sleep schedule.
I did everything.
We did everything
they asked us to do, man.
We stopped drinking. You know?
We started exercising more,
getting better sleep.
We started having sex on a schedule.
A schedule, down to the minute
when you're supposed to have sex,
in different positions, different times,
different places in the house.
We started pegging.
We were doing everything.
Everything.
Some of you don't know
what pegging is, and
Look it up on the way home.
I don't know what to tell you.
No, we're not doing that.
But through the process,
I did learn about edging.
I learned what edging was.
And edging is incredible.
I don't know if you know what this is,
but we were reading a book,
a Kama Sutra book, and it had
all this stuff about trying to enhance
your orgasm with your partner.
One of these things was edging.
Edging is where you
get close to ejaculation, then stop,
you get close and stop,
you get close and stop,
and do this over and over and over again.
Supposed to heighten pleasure sensors
in your mind, your body, and your spirit,
so you and your partner
have this perfect orgasm.
But when I read it, you know,
I'm not a smart man.
So immediately I turned to her.
I was like, "Can you imagine
how big my load is going to be?"
She was like, "What?"
I was like,
"I'm going to blow your fucking back out."
Oh my God.
There'll be like 30 gallons of it.
She's like, "Not how it works."
I'm like, "Yes, it is."
I remember Super Soakers when I was a kid.
You didn't shoot those on the first pump.
You weren't just [pumps, sprays]
Uh-uh. You were like [rapid pumping]
Until it was about to break.
When it was like
[imitates pumping with resistance]
Then you smoke 'em with that big load.
That's not how it works.
One good thing I did, though,
put away porn. Stopped watching porn.
While we were trying to have a baby,
"Stop. Not gonna watch porn."
Don't wanna watch it.
Also, I didn't like it anymore.
I gotta be honest with you,
porn's gotten out of control.
Used to be lighthearted and fun.
Now it's all family-orientated,
for some reason.
I don't like that.
I remember the first time I saw it,
I was scrolling
through my feed and it said,
"Stepdad comes home from work early,
finds stepdaughter changing."
And I was like, "What the fuck is this?"
Then I saw the thumbnail, and I was like,
"I'm going to check it out."
I want to know.
What job does he have
lets him off at 2:00 p.m.?
That's good hours.
I like that porn just does
its own thing all the time, though.
I like that porn adheres
to no social rules, right?
You'll never see
a politically correct porn ever. Ever.
In all the things that we say societally,
you're not allowed to say that,
we don't say that word,
porn doesn't give a fuck.
You'll never see a PC porn.
You'll never see a title that says,
"Less-than-intelligent CIS white female"
"gets sexually satisfied
by CIS African American male."
No, it'll always say "Dumb white bitch
gets pumped by big Black cock."
You're like, "I'm clicking that video.
That's one of my favorites to watch."
I will say, though,
I am pro-sex work, I'm pro that.
I think that's great.
You do whatever you want to do.
Sometimes, though,
you'll see an aggressive porn,
and you'll be like,
I don't know if she likes that at all.
The feminist in me is just like,
"Bro, she's getting skewered."
"She cannot enjoy this."
But I support
women in what they want to do.
I try to support women as much
as I can in anything they want to do
or anything they want to be,
because we all know
that everyone with a brain goes,
"Well, we should all
be treated as equals."
I support feminism
in that world completely.
Where it gets a little out of control
is when feminism makes
it a competition for no reason.
I saw a shirt this girl was wearing,
it said, "Girls can
do anything boys can do."
And I was like, "When? What?
What world are you living in?"
That's such a dumb phrase.
"Girls can do anything boys can do."
It's also a dumb phrase
if a guy has a shirt that says,
"Guys can do anything girls can do."
Also not true.
What are you talking about?
Dude, you guys, you make
humans inside of your body.
That's crazy. Nine months.
Probably the most
grueling, excruciating, painful,
insane, wild thing that humans do.
You do it.
So leave us alone.
What do you want? Leave us alone.
You want to do these jobs?
"We can do what you do."
You want to?
We don't want to do these fucking jobs.
We did them for you.
You don't want to do them either.
You tricked us.
You tricked us into doing them.
Now you want them back?
What's wrong with you?
Thousands of years ago, we lived in caves,
and you guys were like, "Go get the food."
And we were like, "There's lions outside."
And you guys were like, "Go get the food."
"Fine."
We don't want to do these jobs.
They're insane.
Coal miner. Huh?
You want to get black lung?
What the fuck are you talking about?
You want to be a garbage man?
That's insane. Picking up shit all day.
What is wrong? You want
to be an Alaskan crab boat fisherman?
That what you want to do, girls?
You wanna lose your teeth
and smoke menthols
and most likely die at sea?
It's awfully convenient
that you guys want to do all these gigs
after we did them all already.
They're done.
We built all the shit. It's over.
Look.
Who the fuck you think did this thing?
You think a sorority threw this together?
"Come on, Alpha Phi!
Brick by brick by brick by brick."
Leave us alone.
You're already mean to us anyway, right?
And it's socially fun to be mean to guys,
because we're big, dumb idiots.
I was at a gas station,
and this big truck pulled in.
A lifted truck with huge tires.
And the girl at the pump next to me
made eye contact with me,
and she goes, "Ugh."
I knew exactly what she said in her head.
And everybody in here knows,
"Big truck, small dick."
"Oh, big car. You got small little penis?"
"Yeah, in your big truck
with your small little penis?"
"You compensating for something?"
Yeah, for the fact that he never
had a big truck before, and now he does.
You think men are deep? We're idiots.
When we're little boys, we're like,
"Oh, truck. Beep-beep-beep-beep. Ah!"
[laughs]
And then we get older and we have money,
and we're like, "I buy truck."
We don't judge our purchases
based on our genitalia. That's insane.
We don't get out of the shower,
look at our dick, and we're like,
"Jeep Grand Cherokee. Cool."
We could never do that to you.
You know how mad you'd be
if we did that to you, girls?
You'd lose your mind
if we equated those things,
purchases, to your genitalia.
If I was like,
"Is that a Louis Vuitton purse?"
"Oh. You got a big clit? What's that?"
"Is that a gushy Gucci?
You got a sloppy gushy Gucci? Yeah."
Leave us alone.
But again, women deserve
to be treated like equals.
There's no doubt at all. You know?
There isn't, that's not even
an argument. You know?
You're tough. You're hard to figure out.
My dad failed a bunch.
He couldn't get through it. A bunch.
A bunch of women came and went.
He couldn't figure it out, the poor guy.
And now he's older,
and he's trying to, you know,
get his life back together again.
He's trying to teach me life lessons.
I think as they get older,
they want to impart something on you,
like a piece of wisdom they've learned.
So he's, like,
sneaking it in in weird ways.
He sent me a box of, like,
old stuff, you know?
And on top of it was Sonic the Hedgehog,
and it was plugged into SEGA Genesis.
And I was like,
"Oh my God. Is this a message?"
"Is he sending me a message?"
Is he saying, "Be a kid. Slow down.
Have some fun. You're working too hard."
So I did. I got stoned, I plugged it in,
and I played Sonic for hours.
And it was incredible. It was amazing.
And at some point,
I might have been a little too high.
Because I was staring at Sonic
and I was like, "Oh my God."
"This goes deeper than I ever thought."
"I'm Sonic. Sonic is I. I am Sonic."
Most men here are Sonic,
you don't even know it.
You run through life as fast as you can
just to get to the end.
That's the goal of the game.
Get the coins,
give me the money, get to the end.
Give me the money, get to the end.
That's what most guys do.
"Just give me the money,
let me get to the fucking end."
That's the goal of the game.
It's so twisted, you know?
And the whole time,
give me the money, get to the end.
In the game, just like in life,
at some point you bump into these trolls,
women, and all of your coins
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
You're like, "Give me my coins!"
"No!"
And you'll never get 'em back.
But I think because of all that
knowledge they're trying to impart,
the one thing that the older generation
didn't really speak to us about
was going to talk to somebody.
Therapy is great, and for some reason,
it still has this, like, "I don't want
to tell anybody" thing about it.
I don't know why. I think it's incredible.
I went and I spoke with someone,
and it helped. It really did.
And some of the things
she said made some sense. You know?
She had said this thing,
and you can use this if you want.
She said, "You know what
you gotta do? You gotta".
"You've got to adopt happiness."
"When you see someone else having fun,
go into it."
"Don't get away from it.
Go for it, right?"
"It's going to, by some reason,
get to you and it'll hopefully help you
get a little bit of happiness
in your life, slowly but surely."
I thought, I don't know, maybe that works,
maybe it doesn't. You know?
She said, "Or get a dog."
And I was like, "I'll get a dog."
So I don't have to talk to people.
And I love my dog. And she's incredible.
She's also a little bit of a pervert,
I'm not going to lie.
It's disgusting. She's so weird.
Whenever we start hooking up,
I can hear
Her collar jingling down the hallway
like a prison guard with the keys
when they know the boys are being bad.
Whenever we start hooking up,
she'll start running to the room
and we have to close her out.
But still, she's persistent.
You'll hear her under
the crack of the door, just [panting]
Like a detective.
It's twisted.
The moment we're done,
the moment we're done hooking up,
I'll open the door,
the dog will come in the room,
jump on the bed,
and go right to the wet spot.
She's like, "Get her off the bed."
And I'm like,
"Let Scruff McGruff figure out the crime."
Who done it, Scruff?
Was it the Ginger General with
a lead pipe in the ballroom? Who did it?
She's gross, but I love her.
And a lot of times,
she is my little safety net. Honestly.
Like, if I'm having a tough day,
I'll just take her for a long walk.
It's great. She doesn't judge,
doesn't give a shit.
I'll just say to her my problems,
and she doesn't care.
Once in a while, she'll throw me like,
"Oh yeah, I don't fucking care."
But it's nice.
And one time,
I was going through some shit.
I was going through some shit,
and I took her with me.
And, uh, I went to this little
hardware store near my house,
an old hardware store,
a mom-and-pop shop, if you will.
It's one of these spots where nothing
is in the place it's supposed to be.
Smells like cut keys all the time,
and no one's really working. You know?
You can't find anything.
I love it. It's great.
So I took her with me,
and she was acting really rambunctious.
And you know if you have a dog,
and they pull sometimes,
and sometimes you pull back,
sometimes they pull hard, and
sometimes you snap it a little bit harder.
It's not hurting them, but it does,
ahh, it checks them a little bit.
It gives them just a little, "Ahh!"
You hit 'em. You hit 'em with, "Come on,
who's the adult here? Who's the big guy?"
And you're not hurting 'em.
But, ahh, it hits them a little bit.
They go right back. You hit 'em.
Ahh! [Giggles]
They go right back to being happy.
So I smoked her a few times.
She was getting out of control.
We're in one of these hardware stores,
the aisles are really tight and tiny.
It's old, you know? And stuff looks like
it's going to fall down on you, above you.
All I'm doing is trying
to find this stupid little washer.
And I'm hunting through
all these little stupid bags,
and she's acting rambunctious.
So I wrap around my legs,
holding her close.
And at the end of the aisle,
I notice out of the corner of my eye,
there's a girl there by herself,
a handicapped girl.
A handicapped girl at the end
of the aisle with Down syndrome.
And she's standing there by herself.
And I can see her
see the dog without seeing it.
I know that she wants
to say hi to the dog,
but I'm just in one of those moods.
I don't want to talk to anybody, right?
It's nothing about her.
I just wanted to be alone.
And I can hear her under her breath.
I can hear her going, "Puppy".
Without looking,
I was like, "Yeah, it's a puppy."
"Yeah, puppy, puppy, puppy,
puppy dog, puppy dog."
And she goes, "Oh, cu-ute."
And I was like, "Come on."
She goes, "Oh, I want to pet her so bad."
[sighs] And I took a breath,
and I turned and I saw this girl's face,
and it was the most
beautiful thing I'd ever seen.
It was stunning.
From ear to ear she was smiling, happy.
It was unbelievable.
I couldn't describe it to you accurately.
You know when a hippie chick is like,
"Your aura's blue"? You know that thing?
She had a glow. I'm not kidding.
For the first time in my life,
I saw someone glowing with happiness.
And she was beautiful.
And I was like, "What's my problem?"
What's my fucking problem?
This girl just wants
to say hi to this dog,
and I'm letting this get in the way.
This is what the therapist
was talking about. Adopt happiness.
Stop being a grump. Stop being an asshole.
So, it's tough,
but through the grit of my teeth,
I was like, "You wanna
You wanna pet my fucking dog?"
[crowd laughs]
And she was like, "Uh-huh."
And I was like, "Get over here.
Pet my goddamn dog."
And she came lumbering down the aisles,
and she was running so fast,
my dog got scared and startled and
jumped back and started growling at her.
She gets to my dog, and
my dog's like [growling]
And I was like, "Hey, not her. Come on.
Not her. Don't do that to her, please."
"What are you doing? Cut it out.
Stop that. Stop that. Stop that."
And she goes, "Ooh, mean dog."
And I said, "No, no, no, not a mean dog."
"You're a new friend.
You just got to take it easy."
"You're a new friend.
She doesn't know you that well."
And she goes, "Oh, okay. Okay!"
So she goes down to pet her again,
but at this point,
my dog is not fucking with this chick.
My dog is like,
"I'm going to bite your fingers off."
And so she's jumping
at her, like [snarling]
trying to bite her hand.
The handicapped girl doesn't take this.
She just keeps going for it,
she thinks it's fun.
She's trying to play with her,
my dog's trying to kill her.
I'm like, "Well, this is
how my career ends, right here."
And she's going for her,
and at some point,
my dog jumps and nips at her finger
and almost clips her hand.
For legal reasons, almost
Clips her hand.
And then the girl pulls her hand away,
and her mood completely changes.
I mean, boom. The shift was huge.
She just lost
all that color out of her face.
And she got scared,
and she was like, "Bad dog."
And I was like, "You're okay."
And I grabbed her hand.
"She didn't bite you. You're okay.
It's okay. That is a bad dog."
"Bad dog! I'm sorry, but you're okay."
And she goes,
"She she doesn't like people like me."
And I was like, "Don't say that."
"Don't say that out loud."
"Don't say that.
That's not that's not true at all."
And she goes, "No, she doesn't
like people that are like me."
And I said, "That's not true."
"Don't you dare say that.
Don't you dare think that, that's wrong."
"She's being a bad girl."
"This is very strange.
I've never seen her do this."
"She usually doesn't like Black people.
I've never seen this before."
She's black, by the way. She's black.
My dog. My dog is black.
The handicapped girl is white.
They're always white.
Does anybody want to debate me on it?
Because here's the best part of the joke.
Here's the best part of the joke to me.
Is that the story is not true.
None of it's true.
Not even a little bit. It's all fake.
It's all totally made up. It's fabricated.
But it took you on a ride.
You were there.
You were in the hardware store.
You knew what it looked like,
what it smelled like.
You constructed it in your mind.
You made it taste how
you wanted it to fucking taste.
I didn't do it. You did it.
You did it.
Huh? We paint the picture.
Who's holding the brush?
I want you to raise your hand if,
when I told the story,
you saw a non-white
mentally handicapped girl.
Yeah. Yeah.
How's that taste?
How does that taste? Huh?
Yeah.
You'll all be driving home,
"They are usually white.
I don't know what it is."
Denver, I hope you enjoyed the burger.
Thank you so very much.
[crowd cheering]
Thank you, guys.
Thank you so very much, Denver!
I love you guys.
Thank you so much.
Goodbye, you guys. Good night.
Thank you, guys.
[crowd cheering]
["Hold On, Here It Go" playing]
[song ends]
["Hold On, Here It Go" playing]
[crowd cheering]
[announcer] Denver,
give it up for Andrew Santino!
[crowd cheering]
Yeah! Come on!
[crowd continues cheering]
Yeah!
Denver, Colorado, thank you!
[crowd cheering]
Yeah.
Oh!
You guys, the best.
Thank you for coming out.
I'm glad to do it here.
I wanted to do it in Denver.
I wanted to do it before, uh
But, uh, China had other plans, and
[chuckles]
Little 'Roney hiccup.
We had a little hiccup for the Ronies.
I got it, and then I got the vaccine.
I had friends that were like,
"Dude, you already had it."
"You don't need to get the vaccine."
And I was like, all right, I understand
what you're saying, but they just
I wanted to hear out the antivaxxers.
I wanted to hear what they had to say.
I'm a contrarian.
Let me hear what they got to say.
But their PR was terrible.
[crowd laughing]
They had, like, one meeting and were like,
"You don't know what's in it."
That's not going to work.
I had a bratwurst three days ago.
I've never known what's in those things.
Have you ever
known what's in those things?
What are you talking about.
"Don't know what's in it,"
is the most fun phrase.
We used to do ecstasy
in high school all the time.
Yeah, not Molly.
Not that pussy shit you guys do today.
We did Drano, dude, we did Drano drips.
I'm glad it's I'm glad
I'm done with it, dude, it's nuts.
My dad, dude,
my dad got it and didn't tell anybody.
And then went to the ER,
didn't tell anybody.
Got out, and then gave me a ring.
I swear to God, he called up, he was like,
"Hey, just got out of the hospital."
I was like, "Are you okay? Did you fall?"
Because at certain ages,
they just fall a lot.
He's like, "Nah, 'Rona."
I was like, "Oh my God!"
"Are you okay?"
He's like, "Dude, in and out."
"Five days, in and out.
Knocked it right out."
Like, that's a work week.
That's a long time
to be in the ER.
He was like, "No big deal, though."
I was like, "Were you on a ventilator?"
He's like, "No! At night, they gave
me a breathing thing and I was fine."
[laughs] I was
I talked to my buddy who works in the ER.
I was like, "Yeah, he didn't
want to tell anybody he got sick."
He's like, "Yeah, that's a thing.
His generation, their ego, their pride,
they don't want
to admit that they got it."
He's like, "But he shouldn't feel bad."
"There's so much more weird shit
that goes on in the ER."
And I'm like, "I know. I bet.
Tell me. I want to hear it."
He's like, "I can't, dude.
It's like, doctor-patient privileges,
and it's unprofessional.
It's kind of unethical."
And I was like, "I've gotten
high with you between shifts."
So, let me know. You know what I mean?
He goes
He goes, "All right. One time, this guy,
him and his girlfriend
were playing with sex toys,
and they were using
them on each other, having a good time."
"They had this thing
called the Screaming Bullet,
just a little tiny vibrator,
and they were using it."
"And then she decided
to flip the script, use it on him,
change it up, change up
the batting order, we'll see who's next."
"So she's using it on him,
and I don't know if
the tides were strong that day,
or the moon was in retrograde or whatever,
but it just [sucking sound]
"got sucked up inside of his ass."
"Yeah, his ass was like,
'Give me that vibrator!'"
Like when you used to lose
a cassette tape in the deck of the car
and you're like, "No, no, no, no!"
It's never coming out.
And your car would tease you,
it'd spit it back out,
but suck it in and go, "Bleh-eh."
"Bleh-eh."
So this poor gentleman had
a little mini-vibrator in his butt,
just banging off the walls.
Like Brick Breaker, just like,
"Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop."
And they couldn't
get it out of this poor fella.
And so this gentleman had to go
to the ER where my buddy works at.
This guy went to the ER. Yeah.
Instead of killing himself,
he went into the ER.
Instead of obviously
[imitates gunshot]
No way am I going to the ER!
People are saying
goodbye to their loved ones.
People are like, "Nana, don't go.
We're going to miss you, Nana."
And you got to walk by like
[vibrating sound]
"Sir, sit down."
"It's way worse if I sit down!"
"It'll echo through the halls."
[crowd laughing]
I'm weary of
the medical profession to begin with.
Do I have any doctor fans?
Raise your hand if you're a doctor.
- [people whooping]
- No way!
Blown away.
I'm just weary of the medical profession.
I appreciate everything you guys do.
I just think sometimes, you know,
sometimes you're just
fucking with us a little bit.
Like, you know the phrase,
"He'll never walk again"?
You've all heard that.
Everyone in here has heard,
"Oh, he'll never walk again."
What ends up happening?
Walks again!
Walks again every...
Has never not walked again.
Has always walked again.
And here I was, stoned at,
like, three in the morning watching TV,
and they threw on
one of those sad commercials
that's like a two-minute commercial with,
like, a dog or a veteran or an old person
to just get you really
riled up at night for some reason.
And I'm stoned,
and they throw this dude on the TV,
and it zoomed in on his face,
and he goes,
"They told me I would never walk again."
"Well, look at me now."
And I was like, "Please don't show it."
Look, all respect,
but I know what it looks like,
and I don't want to see it while I'm high.
'Cause I'm gonna laugh.
I'm sorry. I'm gonna laugh.
So don't show it.
And, of course, he goes, "Look at me now."
And they zoom out,
and there he is on the parallel bars,
and they've got this poor guy
baby-deering to the camera.
Like a marionette.
And I'm losing it.
I'm dying laughing,
and I feel like a bad person,
but I didn't need to see it.
I don't need proof.
No one wants you to prove it.
I believe you.
Good. Good for you.
They would never show it
if it was the other way.
They would never go,
"They told me I'd never walk again
And, boy, were they right."
[imitating electric wheelchair]
No.
No.
Because going to the doctor
is scary enough.
It's already scary to hear
these other phrases. It's scary. You know?
My dad had prostate cancer,
and then it freaked everyone else.
Like, "Oh my God. I gotta go
get an exam. I gotta go get checked out."
You know?
And so I went. I had to go check it out,
go see what's going on in there.
And there's no way to prepare you
for a prostate exam as a guy.
There's not.
There's some guys out there
that go, "I know a trick."
You're like, "Well".
It's different than you think.
For the first time in my life,
when I went to get a prostate exam,
I kind of understood
what it might be like to be a woman,
to hook up
with someone for the first time.
I did. A little bit, ladies.
Like, I got it a little bit.
Because I was in this cold,
uncomfortable room
with no art on the walls. It was
Very well-lit for some reason.
I was just in there alone.
And then he just pops in,
real confident and brazen and
he just goes, "Take your clothes off."
And I was like, "Oh my God."
"You don't wanna chat or nothing?"
So I do.
And then he goes, "Bend over the table."
And at that point,
I was like, "Ooh, you're naughty."
I bend over this table,
and I hear him applying just
an absurd amount of lube to his finger.
Like a first-timer, like a rookie,
just layering it up.
And I gotta tell you something,
he goes right in.
They go right in.
They go right in there, dude,
they don't give you a countdown.
There's no warning.
There's no, like,
"A-one and a-two and a right in the poo."
- [crowd laughing]
- No.
No.
He slides right in there
and jams himself into you.
And, girls, he doesn't care
about how I feel about it at all.
Just having his way with me.
And he's in there,
and he literally goes, "Do you feel that?"
And I was like,
"Show me the guy that said no."
Let me meet the gentleman
that was like, "No, I don't feel a thing."
"Why don't you throw another
digit in there and see what happens?"
Yeah, I felt every piece of it.
And he just had his way.
Didn't care about me at all.
Just did his thing.
And then, out of nowhere [popping sound]
took his finger out,
takes off the rubber,
and goes, "I'm good."
And he leaves.
Ladies, he leaves me there.
I've got my pants on my ankles,
I'm shivering,
I've got lube dripping out
of my asshole onto my jeans.
I'm scared like a little kid
that's been left at an amusement park
without his parents.
He didn't get anything to help me wipe up.
I have to go across
the room with my pants on my ankles
just to get paper towels
so I can wipe front to back.
It was embarrassing.
And he never called,
the asshole never called.
Pig.
He was a pig.
[crowd cheering, applauding]
I thought Look, I thought I was going
to be prepared for the prostate exam,
because I'm going to admit
something to you guys, all right?
Sometimes, when I masturbate,
I like to tickle my butthole
with my free hand.
Yeah.
But that phrase, um, used to scare me.
I used to lose sleep
at night over that phrase.
Yeah, I can't believe I admitted it now,
because for years, I was scared.
Every time I would do it, I'd be done
and just walk around my house being like,
"You're a bad guy. You're a bad".
"They're going to get you, man.
You're going to prison for that."
But, yeah. So I tickle
my butthole with my hand.
Big deal. But I used to be
scared about it. Used to...
Dude, Catholicism got
so deep in my head as a kid,
I thought that I was
going to hell because of it.
I was scared, dude,
that people were one day going to find out
that when I masturbate,
I put a finger inside of my butt.
How crazy to be scared of that thought?
Who cares?
Every woman I ever dated,
every girl I ever started
to have feelings for,
I was like, "Oh, she's going to know.
She's going to find out somehow."
"She's going to catch me doing it,
or I'm going to have to
admit it to her at some point."
"She's finally going to have
to come to grips with the fact
that when I masturbate,
I put a couple fingers inside of my ass."
But I don't care anymore.
Tell everybody you know!
[crowd cheering]
Ten people. Tell ten people.
Tell ten people, spread the word.
Let the world know.
Andrew Santino
fists himself when he jerks off.
[crowd laughing, cheering]
This one.
I think it's a good thing
that we can come to grips
with our own sexual deviance,
with your own likes.
That's what you're allowed.
You should be allowed to feel
whatever you want to feel, man.
Good thing we're entering a new time
when people can feel comfortable
being who they really are,
because we couldn't do that
when I was a kid.
You couldn't. When I was a kid,
you couldn't do any of that stuff.
If you grew up in the '80s and '90s,
if you did anything non-masculine,
if you did anything
remotely non-masculine as a dude,
the whole neighborhood was like, "Fag!"
"Ha-ha! Santino's a fag!"
And I'd be like, "I'm hugging my dad."
They'd be like,
"Okay, fag. Suck his dick, dude."
"You heard what he said, Pops.
We got to do it."
It was crazy. That's crazy.
I don't care about the judgment anymore.
Because you don't know what other people
like and don't like. You know?
You don't know.
Who are you to judge other people?
Jesus was gay.
[crowd laughing]
Tell me Jesus wasn't gay.
I watched a whole documentary on this guy,
the whole time I was like, "Damn!"
It was wild. He was beautiful.
He was so hot, this guy. Just jacked.
Like an eight-pack, skinny,
beautiful long, straight hair.
Never fucked girls.
What are you talking about, dude?
He could have had anybody in town.
Have you seen his competition?
Have you seen anybody
from that time period?
Horrific creatures.
Everybody walking around like
[with cockney accent] "Hello, Jesus."
They all had ailments he had to fix.
No, but instead the guy washed dude's feet
and got followed around
by 12 dudes all day long.
All his magic was gay.
All his magic was gay.
A straight dude would be like,
"Do you want to see me cannonball
into this lake and make
all the water come out of it?"
And he was like, "Do you want
to see me tiptoe across a pond?"
Even the way he died,
they had him up there.
A straight dude would be like,
"I died doing what I love, man."
And he was like, "Oh, I'll be back."
"Wait till my daddy hears about this."
He was like, "I can change water."
Everyone's like, "Make beer!"
He's like, "What about Pinot noir?"
Tell me this isn't
the gayest phrase you've ever heard.
"What if we do, like, a Last Supper?"
"We'll have that boy from town paint us.
You know, the one with a bad eye."
And I don't care if he was,
I'm not saying it
with negative connotation.
I'm just saying, who cares?
Mind your own business. Aren't you full?
Why are we caring so much about what
other people do with their personal time?
Don't you got enough shit going on
to care about other people's stuff?
[crowd cheering]
Mind your own business.
Do you remember that?
We used to do it all the time.
I remember being a teenager
and I watch a guy
get robbed on the subway.
He was like, "Help."
And I was like, "No, no, no."
I got, like, two stops left.
That's insane. I'm not gonna help you.
We used to do it a lot. You know?
It was something my mom taught me.
For a while, she was a single mother.
You know, and we weren't poor,
but she would let us steal.
You understand?
I don't know if you had that, but
If it looked good enough, she'd be like,
"Take it, take it, take it,
take it, take it, take it now. Take it."
"Put it in your pocket and take it."
And we get caught, you know?
And she was such a good actor.
She'd be like, "Andrew!"
"I am so sorry. Andrew! Get over here."
And then we'd get
out of earshot and she'd be,
"You gotta hide it better, buddy.
You know that."
"You gotta hide it a little bit better."
And we never spoke
about this for some reason, ever.
We never spoke about this,
but at my grocery store as a kid,
there were these plexiglass bins,
and in them they'd have
nuts and candy and chocolate,
and you could weigh by the pound.
Don't know if you had that,
but you'd get your groceries
and you'd weigh
by the pound whatever you got.
And we never
spoke about this one time, ever.
Even until this day.
We joked about it
when she saw me do this joke.
She used to stand in front of the bins,
lift up the smallest one to the ground,
and just stand guard
and let me go to town.
And I'd just shovel candy
in my little orangutan face.
And when I was done,
we wouldn't say anything.
I would tap on her thigh,
and she would close it,
and we'd walk away.
And one time,
this guy came down the aisle,
this rat, this snitch.
He came down the aisle and he goes,
"Hey, you have to pay for that."
And as smoothly
as I've ever seen my mother,
simultaneously close
and call out, she goes,
"Mind your own fucking business!"
And he did.
[crowd cheering]
This guy, he fucked right off.
It was great.
He was like, "Oh yeah, I'm an asshole.
I should get out of here."
"That's a child."
Yeah, you got to
mind your own business, dude.
Pay attention to your own life.
You got your own thing going on.
The world is collapsing as we speak, dude.
Have fun. It's over.
It's over, dude.
It's 156 in LA right now.
Look, I know global warming's real.
I know it's real.
There is no question in my mind.
But also,
it's pretty impressive.
It's pretty impressive
that this thing's been around
for four and a half billion years.
We've been around
for 6,000 for civilization,
200,000 as a race,
and we broke it.
That's pretty rock and roll, dude.
You're a pussy-ass Earth, is what it is.
It's sad. It's disgusting.
No, it's it's awful. It's awful.
But I also don't want
to be yelled at about it,
because it's such a massive problem
that you're like, "Why are you yelling
at me about the globe heating up?"
That's crazy.
I'm not the one that dumped
millions of gallons into the ocean of oil.
I didn't do any of that stuff.
Why are you yelling at me?
I don't like that.
Don't yell at me, all right?
Like, they sent that kid out,
Greta Thunberg,
they sent a child to yell at us.
They sent a child to yell at you,
and you took it. All of you just took it.
And I'll say, this, dude,
good on that little girl for having,
like, the bravery and the confidence
to stand up for something she believes in,
for her generation,
something that she really cares about,
and to talk to adults like that about
something she's passionate about.
Like, good for that kid, dude.
That's impressive.
[crowd whooping]
But also, shut up,
you little asshole. Fucking
[crowd laughing, cheering]
You never paid a mortgage, you dick.
You don't know how hard this is.
You never got a parking ticket
when you got 19 bucks left to your name.
Shut up.
Also, I know she's from Sweden,
but I didn't like
that little Nazi twang in her voice.
You heard it.
When she was like, "Shame on you!"
You're like, "Hey, hey, hey. What is that?
Is that Nazi shit? What was that?"
Don't yell at me about shit
I can't control, that's the thing.
I can't control that.
Why are you yelling at me
about something I can't control?
And they bully us about it.
They took away straws in California.
They made them illegal
in some states to serve. It's insane.
And they took them away
and we were like, "All right, I guess."
No one asked for proof.
No one was like, "Why are you doing this?"
And they threw away,
they go, "Uh, turtles. Turtles are dying."
And we just were like,
"Oh, okay. Seems reasonable."
Does it?
Where?
Where are all these turtles?
I'm almost 40,
I've seen six turtles my whole life.
You're telling me millions of turtles are
dying with straws lodged in their heads?
Where? Show me the shells.
Show me the shells
and I'll stop using them.
I don't buy it.
I'm not a smart man,
but that math does not add up.
The physics on that is crazy.
Ocean, big.
Ocean, big.
Big ocean, yeah?
Ocean big, straw float.
Turtle move.
Tied strong and ocean big.
Ocean big, turtle move,
tide strong, straw float.
You're telling me all
these elements line up perfectly
for a straw to get in
a less-than-five-millimeter hole, gah,
in a turtle's head?
That's like me flicking a Q-tip in the air
and catching it in the tip of my penis.
[crowd laughing]
[cheering]
I don't know.
Look, again, I believe it's real.
I just know it's white people problems.
Whites did this.
The whites are at it again.
They are. White people
want something to complain about.
Their lives are
pretty easy, so they're like,
"I gotta get mad about something."
Black people, for years have been,
"The police are killing us."
We've been like, "All right, Jamal,
we're thinking about
the polar bears right now."
"Cool it out, pal."
Thinking about a bear
that lives thousands of miles away,
and you care more about that
than humans that live amongst you?
That's not crazy? That's crazy shit.
That's fucked up. We're fucked up, man.
And the only reason
you like that bear is because it's white.
That's the only reason.
That's the only reason, dude.
What about brown and black bears?
You guys are like,
"Those are dirty bears."
"They live close to the city.
They're bad bears."
"And they steal. They steal."
"From picnickers
Or picnickas,
I don't know if you can say it now."
But.
I don't know.
No, it's crazy. It's crazy.
It's nuts. Look, maybe
polar bears got to go. I don't know.
We've never done this before.
This is our first time doing this thing.
Thousands of species have come and gone.
Maybe it's time for polar bears to go.
Maybe the universe is like, "Polar bear.
[whistles] Ya gotta go. Ya gotta go."
"Wrap it up. You got to go."
"We got something else coming in, dude."
Remember dinosaurs?
Pretty good thing
they're not around anymore.
Otherwise, you'd leave
the show tonight like, "Fun show."
"Yeah, good time." "Great time."
"All right, you guys."
"Goodbye."
"Go, go, go, go, go, go."
"Get in! Get in!"
Every day.
Look, I know it's real.
I know global warming is real.
I'm just saying it's not my fault.
I didn't do all of it,
so stop giving me all the blame.
Meanwhile, politicians,
they keep doing this stuff to us
because they want us
to hate each other, get distracted.
They get away with everything.
We don't scrutinize them for shit.
We get yelled at,
they take no responsibility
for the stuff that they cause.
Where is Joe Biden?
Where is that guy?
That was the craziest thing on Earth.
We got bamboozled.
And when I talk shit about Joe Biden,
particularly living in LA,
immediately, everyone where I live
acts like they jumped into a cold pool.
They're like [whimpers, gasps]
They can't believe I would mock the dude.
But he stinks! And here's the deal.
Here's the deal. You got tricked.
Admit that you got tricked.
You got a white for a white. Bad trade.
[crowd whistling, cheering]
Bad trade.
Forever, you guys are like,
"Trump, piece of shit."
"Let's get this old, white, out-of-touch
piece of shit out of the White House."
And I was like, "Yeah, get him out!
What are we putting in?"
And they were like, "An old,
white, out-of-touch piece of shit."
We lost.
[crowd applauding]
That's an "L," dude. That's an "L."
You got a white for a white. Bad trade.
You got an Accord for a Civic,
it's the same car.
Guy's like, "No, this one
doesn't have the N-word button on it."
Yes, it does. It's underneath the thing.
They just hid it better.
He stinks. And this is
the problem I have, right?
It's more the idea
that we wanted progress and change.
And as a society,
that's what we're trying to do,
inclusivity, right?
We're trying to change
the way this country looks.
And so there's
a Black woman in the White House.
She's right there.
What the fuck is she doing?
What is she doing?
I got two words for Kamala Harris,
push him.
Lady
How bad do you want to be President, lady?
It's right there, home is open.
Steal home. Go, go. Go, go, go, go.
Come on, Kamala. One hip nudge.
One hip nudge.
He folds like origami.
Right down to the earth.
Boom. You're President.
Don't you want it bad?
Have one meeting in a basement.
Have one meeting in a basement.
"Down here, Joe."
[in old man voice] "You down
that rickety stairwell, Cababala?"
"These stairs seem wet.
And there's no handrail."
[normal voice] In my mind it's Home Alone.
She has a bucket of paint.
She's like, "Come on, you old fuck."
You know he doesn't know her name.
What is he, the only
70-year-old white guy that's not racist?
Shut up.
You know he saunters around there,
and he's like, "Bring me the Black."
And they're like, "All right, Joe,
we can't say that anymore, buddy."
"We can't say that. Sit down.
Eat your soup. Sit down."
"Sit down."
No, the guy stinks, but here's the thing.
The guy before him
was a fucking dipshit too.
[crowd cheering]
This is what I'm trying to say,
you're allowed to hate
all these psychopaths equally.
You know that, right?
You can like none of these guys.
They all suck.
They all suck. They're not on your team.
They're not your friend.
They don't give a shit about you.
They all went
to Epstein's island, all of them.
It was crazy that, like, 15 years ago,
psychopath Alex Jones
was talking about it, was like,
"There's an island where they fuck kids."
"And the frogs are gay."
Back then we were like, "This guy's nuts!"
And now we're like, "He was right!"
The frogs are gay!
You see 'em hopping around,
lily pad to lily pad. It's gross!
No, Epstein's island was a real thing.
The flight logs are on the Internet.
You can look them up. They're there.
They're right there.
You can see who's on there.
All the hits are on there.
All your boys, they're all on there.
Bill Clinton went there,
allegedly, 26 times.
That's so many times.
Those aren't layovers.
That is a direct flight, dude. That
wasn't like, "Where do we have to stop?"
"Oh, Epstein's. Oh, shit. Okay, well."
"When in Rome, saxophone."
[imitates playing saxophone]
Come on.
But make no mistake,
I love shitting on Biden,
but also shitting on Trump.
That guy was a dumb,
fat piece of shit too.
That guy stinks.
Guy was an idiot.
Guy was a fucking idiot.
He went after Mexicans,
which I hated the most.
Because I live in Southern California.
I really, really like Mexicans, okay?
[crowd cheering]
Don't fuck with my Browns, man.
Don't fuck with my Browns.
He went after Mexicans,
and I didn't like it. I hated it.
He was like [in Trump's voice]
"They're lazy criminals."
[in normal voice] Was like, lazy?
Have you met any of these people?
If you haven't, it's because
they're working their third job that day.
And criminal? It's like
That one's true. But I feel.
I know my cleaning lady
is stealing from us.
There's no doubt in my mind.
I'm always like,
"Maria, those are your shoes?"
"You're a size 12 in Jordans?
Those are yours?"
[as Maria] "These are my shoes,
Mr. Andrew. These are my shoes."
[normal voice] The guy was crazy.
The guy is crazy.
He's also a dick. He was mean as shit.
He was mean. He was a bully.
He was a dickhead, right?
And if you're going to be mean,
you gotta be fun.
George Bush was mean,
but he was kind of fun. [Chuckles]
He had that little
bobblehead wobble about him.
He'd say crazy shit,
but be followed up with something fun.
He'd be like, "We're gonna
bomb the shit out of Iraq."
You'd be like, "Oh my God."
He'd be like,
"Now watch me hit this drive."
And we were all like, "Yeah, bomb Iraq.
What're you gonna do?"
Nah, Trump was just mean. Just mean.
"Build a wall." So stupid.
"We'll build a wall." Mean.
Build a maze. That's fun.
Yeah, I want 'em in here.
Let's make them work for it a little bit.
Couple of turnarounds and go-backs.
"He said that end.
He said that end." You know?
Know what I want at the border?
I want the American Ninja Warrior
course at the border so bad.
Yeah, man.
You want citizenship,
you got to conquer Midoriyama live.
On FOX.
I would love to do
the post game interviews.
That's what I want,
the post game interviews.
The wrap-ups, when they fail.
Just be like, "Alejandro, Alejandro,
what happened out there?"
[panting] "Well, Andrew".
The first time I was here.
"I couldn't do the Warped Wall.
I fuck up at the Warped Wall."
"This time it was the Salmon Ladder.
I can't do the Salmon Ladder."
"Well, you know, you get three tries."
"I know."
"I can be back in October
to fuck shit up in the fall, baby!"
Yes.
I was shocked Trump lasted four years.
Four years was wild to me.
Four years, and nobody
Nobody, you know? Nobody
Nobody?
Pew.
[imitates machine gun]
[imitates explosion]
[imitates stabbing]
Nobody. Nobody.
Not once.
I'm not advocating
for killing a President,
but we used to try.
We used to give it the old college go.
We got some of our best.
In a theater like this.
I mean, we got one in
[crowd laughing]
I went to the
I went to the spot where JFK got shot.
I went there to Dallas when I was on tour.
We stood on the X.
You can stand right where it happened.
We looked up at the book depository,
and simultaneously,
we turned to each other and we were like,
"It's a good shot."
It was far. It was impressive.
We're just
We're entering this new time now
where, you know,
comedy is in this weird space
because people have this narrative
that kind of gets pushed
around by you guys more than us.
That it's like,
"Ooh, what can comedians say?"
"What are you allowed to say now?"
You can say anything you want, right?
Doesn't mean there's
not gonna be consequences.
But you've always been able
to say whatever you want.
There might be consequences of it, right?
Like, Chappelle went
after the trans people,
and trans people got mad.
And people were mad that they got mad,
and then they were mad
Chappelle said what he said.
But this is
The issue.
We live in this place where the beauty is
he can say that stuff.
They also have
a right to be very upset at that.
And that's the duality
of the America that we live in,
that you're allowed to hate it,
they're allowed to say it.
We got to keep fucking moving.
That's kind of how it goes.
[crowd cheering]
But they have every right
to be mad at what he says. That's fine.
And he is gonna say
what he wants to say.
Chappelle is the GOAT after all.
He's the GOAT, you know.
[crowd cheering]
He's the Greatest of All Trans, and
[crowd laughing]
How funny would it be?
On his next special,
he just comes in heels.
He's like, "Got ya, bitch!"
David.
You did it again.
Yeah, that's the world
we live in, you know?
We're going to say weird, dumb shit.
We agree to this thing.
When you guys come to these rooms,
you agree to be a part of this thing.
You're a part of it. Make no mistake.
There's always this thing
where it's on us. It's on you too.
You're a part of it
because you're in this secret little room
where we've kind of agreed to it.
And outside of these walls,
it's a different set of rules.
But in here, for some reason, it's not.
It's strange. Like, what's your name?
- What's your name?
- Brian.
Brian? Brian, you having
a fun time tonight?
- Yes.
- Yeah?
[grunts]
[crowd laughing]
That's not funny. That's not funny at all.
Brian doesn't deserve
for me to jerk off on him.
Brian doesn't deserve that.
But you guys were like,
"Ah-ha-ha-ha! Jerking off on Brian!"
'Cause you're in here.
You wouldn't let that go out there.
Out there that's, "No, no, no."
If I bumped into Brian on the street,
I was like, "Hey, man." He's like, "Hey."
And I was like [grunts]
You guys would be like,
"Lock that guy up."
And I'm sorry,
but that's my point,
you're a part of it.
Because you're here,
you're in on this thing.
You're creating this thing with us,
you know?
You do this all the time.
You do this all the time.
America loves art, but we don't wanna know
where it comes from.
"Don't tell me.
Don't wanna know where it comes from."
We do this a lot, but you're a part of it
just as much as I am.
You know, Amy Winehouse,
her number one song was
They tried to make me go to rehab
And I said, "No, no, no"
And then she died of a heroin overdose.
And you guys were just like,
"What happened to Amy?"
"Was she sick?"
You're an idiot.
You have to recognize
you're as much a part of this as we are.
You're responsible too.
And I was having this,
like, crazy emotional breakdown
a couple of months ago.
I called my lady, I was like,
"I don't know what I want right now."
She's like,
"What do you want from comedy?"
"What do you want from
all this shit that you're doing?"
And I said,
"I just want to be a cheeseburger."
She was like,
"You gotta go to the hospital."
"That's Something's wrong."
And I meant what I said,
I just want to be a cheeseburger.
That's all I want.
I don't need some crazy legacy.
I don't need to live on forever.
I just want you to enjoy me
right now while you have me.
That's all I really want.
[crowd cheering]
But just know that you guys
are all eating a different cheeseburger.
That's what I'm talking about.
You're creating it and making it
taste the way you want it to taste,
picking and choosing what you like,
what you don't,
what you're offended by,
what you agree with,
what upsets you, makes you happy.
You're building your own cheeseburger.
So let me be the cheeseburger,
but also know you're fucking making it.
You made it.
You're the creator of this world
just as much as we are. You know?
But I learned that I don't know
how much I care about legacy.
I think I wanna enjoy it now.
And there's this idea,
a lot of people want legacy.
They want to live forever,
whether it's through
something they've done
or through children they have.
I tried to have kids,
it's been a tough road. I'm not gonna lie.
It's been really, really hard.
We did everything.
I was taking vitamins and supplements
and nutrients and CoQ10 and Proxeed.
I changed my diet, my sleep schedule.
I did everything.
We did everything
they asked us to do, man.
We stopped drinking. You know?
We started exercising more,
getting better sleep.
We started having sex on a schedule.
A schedule, down to the minute
when you're supposed to have sex,
in different positions, different times,
different places in the house.
We started pegging.
We were doing everything.
Everything.
Some of you don't know
what pegging is, and
Look it up on the way home.
I don't know what to tell you.
No, we're not doing that.
But through the process,
I did learn about edging.
I learned what edging was.
And edging is incredible.
I don't know if you know what this is,
but we were reading a book,
a Kama Sutra book, and it had
all this stuff about trying to enhance
your orgasm with your partner.
One of these things was edging.
Edging is where you
get close to ejaculation, then stop,
you get close and stop,
you get close and stop,
and do this over and over and over again.
Supposed to heighten pleasure sensors
in your mind, your body, and your spirit,
so you and your partner
have this perfect orgasm.
But when I read it, you know,
I'm not a smart man.
So immediately I turned to her.
I was like, "Can you imagine
how big my load is going to be?"
She was like, "What?"
I was like,
"I'm going to blow your fucking back out."
Oh my God.
There'll be like 30 gallons of it.
She's like, "Not how it works."
I'm like, "Yes, it is."
I remember Super Soakers when I was a kid.
You didn't shoot those on the first pump.
You weren't just [pumps, sprays]
Uh-uh. You were like [rapid pumping]
Until it was about to break.
When it was like
[imitates pumping with resistance]
Then you smoke 'em with that big load.
That's not how it works.
One good thing I did, though,
put away porn. Stopped watching porn.
While we were trying to have a baby,
"Stop. Not gonna watch porn."
Don't wanna watch it.
Also, I didn't like it anymore.
I gotta be honest with you,
porn's gotten out of control.
Used to be lighthearted and fun.
Now it's all family-orientated,
for some reason.
I don't like that.
I remember the first time I saw it,
I was scrolling
through my feed and it said,
"Stepdad comes home from work early,
finds stepdaughter changing."
And I was like, "What the fuck is this?"
Then I saw the thumbnail, and I was like,
"I'm going to check it out."
I want to know.
What job does he have
lets him off at 2:00 p.m.?
That's good hours.
I like that porn just does
its own thing all the time, though.
I like that porn adheres
to no social rules, right?
You'll never see
a politically correct porn ever. Ever.
In all the things that we say societally,
you're not allowed to say that,
we don't say that word,
porn doesn't give a fuck.
You'll never see a PC porn.
You'll never see a title that says,
"Less-than-intelligent CIS white female"
"gets sexually satisfied
by CIS African American male."
No, it'll always say "Dumb white bitch
gets pumped by big Black cock."
You're like, "I'm clicking that video.
That's one of my favorites to watch."
I will say, though,
I am pro-sex work, I'm pro that.
I think that's great.
You do whatever you want to do.
Sometimes, though,
you'll see an aggressive porn,
and you'll be like,
I don't know if she likes that at all.
The feminist in me is just like,
"Bro, she's getting skewered."
"She cannot enjoy this."
But I support
women in what they want to do.
I try to support women as much
as I can in anything they want to do
or anything they want to be,
because we all know
that everyone with a brain goes,
"Well, we should all
be treated as equals."
I support feminism
in that world completely.
Where it gets a little out of control
is when feminism makes
it a competition for no reason.
I saw a shirt this girl was wearing,
it said, "Girls can
do anything boys can do."
And I was like, "When? What?
What world are you living in?"
That's such a dumb phrase.
"Girls can do anything boys can do."
It's also a dumb phrase
if a guy has a shirt that says,
"Guys can do anything girls can do."
Also not true.
What are you talking about?
Dude, you guys, you make
humans inside of your body.
That's crazy. Nine months.
Probably the most
grueling, excruciating, painful,
insane, wild thing that humans do.
You do it.
So leave us alone.
What do you want? Leave us alone.
You want to do these jobs?
"We can do what you do."
You want to?
We don't want to do these fucking jobs.
We did them for you.
You don't want to do them either.
You tricked us.
You tricked us into doing them.
Now you want them back?
What's wrong with you?
Thousands of years ago, we lived in caves,
and you guys were like, "Go get the food."
And we were like, "There's lions outside."
And you guys were like, "Go get the food."
"Fine."
We don't want to do these jobs.
They're insane.
Coal miner. Huh?
You want to get black lung?
What the fuck are you talking about?
You want to be a garbage man?
That's insane. Picking up shit all day.
What is wrong? You want
to be an Alaskan crab boat fisherman?
That what you want to do, girls?
You wanna lose your teeth
and smoke menthols
and most likely die at sea?
It's awfully convenient
that you guys want to do all these gigs
after we did them all already.
They're done.
We built all the shit. It's over.
Look.
Who the fuck you think did this thing?
You think a sorority threw this together?
"Come on, Alpha Phi!
Brick by brick by brick by brick."
Leave us alone.
You're already mean to us anyway, right?
And it's socially fun to be mean to guys,
because we're big, dumb idiots.
I was at a gas station,
and this big truck pulled in.
A lifted truck with huge tires.
And the girl at the pump next to me
made eye contact with me,
and she goes, "Ugh."
I knew exactly what she said in her head.
And everybody in here knows,
"Big truck, small dick."
"Oh, big car. You got small little penis?"
"Yeah, in your big truck
with your small little penis?"
"You compensating for something?"
Yeah, for the fact that he never
had a big truck before, and now he does.
You think men are deep? We're idiots.
When we're little boys, we're like,
"Oh, truck. Beep-beep-beep-beep. Ah!"
[laughs]
And then we get older and we have money,
and we're like, "I buy truck."
We don't judge our purchases
based on our genitalia. That's insane.
We don't get out of the shower,
look at our dick, and we're like,
"Jeep Grand Cherokee. Cool."
We could never do that to you.
You know how mad you'd be
if we did that to you, girls?
You'd lose your mind
if we equated those things,
purchases, to your genitalia.
If I was like,
"Is that a Louis Vuitton purse?"
"Oh. You got a big clit? What's that?"
"Is that a gushy Gucci?
You got a sloppy gushy Gucci? Yeah."
Leave us alone.
But again, women deserve
to be treated like equals.
There's no doubt at all. You know?
There isn't, that's not even
an argument. You know?
You're tough. You're hard to figure out.
My dad failed a bunch.
He couldn't get through it. A bunch.
A bunch of women came and went.
He couldn't figure it out, the poor guy.
And now he's older,
and he's trying to, you know,
get his life back together again.
He's trying to teach me life lessons.
I think as they get older,
they want to impart something on you,
like a piece of wisdom they've learned.
So he's, like,
sneaking it in in weird ways.
He sent me a box of, like,
old stuff, you know?
And on top of it was Sonic the Hedgehog,
and it was plugged into SEGA Genesis.
And I was like,
"Oh my God. Is this a message?"
"Is he sending me a message?"
Is he saying, "Be a kid. Slow down.
Have some fun. You're working too hard."
So I did. I got stoned, I plugged it in,
and I played Sonic for hours.
And it was incredible. It was amazing.
And at some point,
I might have been a little too high.
Because I was staring at Sonic
and I was like, "Oh my God."
"This goes deeper than I ever thought."
"I'm Sonic. Sonic is I. I am Sonic."
Most men here are Sonic,
you don't even know it.
You run through life as fast as you can
just to get to the end.
That's the goal of the game.
Get the coins,
give me the money, get to the end.
Give me the money, get to the end.
That's what most guys do.
"Just give me the money,
let me get to the fucking end."
That's the goal of the game.
It's so twisted, you know?
And the whole time,
give me the money, get to the end.
In the game, just like in life,
at some point you bump into these trolls,
women, and all of your coins
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
You're like, "Give me my coins!"
"No!"
And you'll never get 'em back.
But I think because of all that
knowledge they're trying to impart,
the one thing that the older generation
didn't really speak to us about
was going to talk to somebody.
Therapy is great, and for some reason,
it still has this, like, "I don't want
to tell anybody" thing about it.
I don't know why. I think it's incredible.
I went and I spoke with someone,
and it helped. It really did.
And some of the things
she said made some sense. You know?
She had said this thing,
and you can use this if you want.
She said, "You know what
you gotta do? You gotta".
"You've got to adopt happiness."
"When you see someone else having fun,
go into it."
"Don't get away from it.
Go for it, right?"
"It's going to, by some reason,
get to you and it'll hopefully help you
get a little bit of happiness
in your life, slowly but surely."
I thought, I don't know, maybe that works,
maybe it doesn't. You know?
She said, "Or get a dog."
And I was like, "I'll get a dog."
So I don't have to talk to people.
And I love my dog. And she's incredible.
She's also a little bit of a pervert,
I'm not going to lie.
It's disgusting. She's so weird.
Whenever we start hooking up,
I can hear
Her collar jingling down the hallway
like a prison guard with the keys
when they know the boys are being bad.
Whenever we start hooking up,
she'll start running to the room
and we have to close her out.
But still, she's persistent.
You'll hear her under
the crack of the door, just [panting]
Like a detective.
It's twisted.
The moment we're done,
the moment we're done hooking up,
I'll open the door,
the dog will come in the room,
jump on the bed,
and go right to the wet spot.
She's like, "Get her off the bed."
And I'm like,
"Let Scruff McGruff figure out the crime."
Who done it, Scruff?
Was it the Ginger General with
a lead pipe in the ballroom? Who did it?
She's gross, but I love her.
And a lot of times,
she is my little safety net. Honestly.
Like, if I'm having a tough day,
I'll just take her for a long walk.
It's great. She doesn't judge,
doesn't give a shit.
I'll just say to her my problems,
and she doesn't care.
Once in a while, she'll throw me like,
"Oh yeah, I don't fucking care."
But it's nice.
And one time,
I was going through some shit.
I was going through some shit,
and I took her with me.
And, uh, I went to this little
hardware store near my house,
an old hardware store,
a mom-and-pop shop, if you will.
It's one of these spots where nothing
is in the place it's supposed to be.
Smells like cut keys all the time,
and no one's really working. You know?
You can't find anything.
I love it. It's great.
So I took her with me,
and she was acting really rambunctious.
And you know if you have a dog,
and they pull sometimes,
and sometimes you pull back,
sometimes they pull hard, and
sometimes you snap it a little bit harder.
It's not hurting them, but it does,
ahh, it checks them a little bit.
It gives them just a little, "Ahh!"
You hit 'em. You hit 'em with, "Come on,
who's the adult here? Who's the big guy?"
And you're not hurting 'em.
But, ahh, it hits them a little bit.
They go right back. You hit 'em.
Ahh! [Giggles]
They go right back to being happy.
So I smoked her a few times.
She was getting out of control.
We're in one of these hardware stores,
the aisles are really tight and tiny.
It's old, you know? And stuff looks like
it's going to fall down on you, above you.
All I'm doing is trying
to find this stupid little washer.
And I'm hunting through
all these little stupid bags,
and she's acting rambunctious.
So I wrap around my legs,
holding her close.
And at the end of the aisle,
I notice out of the corner of my eye,
there's a girl there by herself,
a handicapped girl.
A handicapped girl at the end
of the aisle with Down syndrome.
And she's standing there by herself.
And I can see her
see the dog without seeing it.
I know that she wants
to say hi to the dog,
but I'm just in one of those moods.
I don't want to talk to anybody, right?
It's nothing about her.
I just wanted to be alone.
And I can hear her under her breath.
I can hear her going, "Puppy".
Without looking,
I was like, "Yeah, it's a puppy."
"Yeah, puppy, puppy, puppy,
puppy dog, puppy dog."
And she goes, "Oh, cu-ute."
And I was like, "Come on."
She goes, "Oh, I want to pet her so bad."
[sighs] And I took a breath,
and I turned and I saw this girl's face,
and it was the most
beautiful thing I'd ever seen.
It was stunning.
From ear to ear she was smiling, happy.
It was unbelievable.
I couldn't describe it to you accurately.
You know when a hippie chick is like,
"Your aura's blue"? You know that thing?
She had a glow. I'm not kidding.
For the first time in my life,
I saw someone glowing with happiness.
And she was beautiful.
And I was like, "What's my problem?"
What's my fucking problem?
This girl just wants
to say hi to this dog,
and I'm letting this get in the way.
This is what the therapist
was talking about. Adopt happiness.
Stop being a grump. Stop being an asshole.
So, it's tough,
but through the grit of my teeth,
I was like, "You wanna
You wanna pet my fucking dog?"
[crowd laughs]
And she was like, "Uh-huh."
And I was like, "Get over here.
Pet my goddamn dog."
And she came lumbering down the aisles,
and she was running so fast,
my dog got scared and startled and
jumped back and started growling at her.
She gets to my dog, and
my dog's like [growling]
And I was like, "Hey, not her. Come on.
Not her. Don't do that to her, please."
"What are you doing? Cut it out.
Stop that. Stop that. Stop that."
And she goes, "Ooh, mean dog."
And I said, "No, no, no, not a mean dog."
"You're a new friend.
You just got to take it easy."
"You're a new friend.
She doesn't know you that well."
And she goes, "Oh, okay. Okay!"
So she goes down to pet her again,
but at this point,
my dog is not fucking with this chick.
My dog is like,
"I'm going to bite your fingers off."
And so she's jumping
at her, like [snarling]
trying to bite her hand.
The handicapped girl doesn't take this.
She just keeps going for it,
she thinks it's fun.
She's trying to play with her,
my dog's trying to kill her.
I'm like, "Well, this is
how my career ends, right here."
And she's going for her,
and at some point,
my dog jumps and nips at her finger
and almost clips her hand.
For legal reasons, almost
Clips her hand.
And then the girl pulls her hand away,
and her mood completely changes.
I mean, boom. The shift was huge.
She just lost
all that color out of her face.
And she got scared,
and she was like, "Bad dog."
And I was like, "You're okay."
And I grabbed her hand.
"She didn't bite you. You're okay.
It's okay. That is a bad dog."
"Bad dog! I'm sorry, but you're okay."
And she goes,
"She she doesn't like people like me."
And I was like, "Don't say that."
"Don't say that out loud."
"Don't say that.
That's not that's not true at all."
And she goes, "No, she doesn't
like people that are like me."
And I said, "That's not true."
"Don't you dare say that.
Don't you dare think that, that's wrong."
"She's being a bad girl."
"This is very strange.
I've never seen her do this."
"She usually doesn't like Black people.
I've never seen this before."
She's black, by the way. She's black.
My dog. My dog is black.
The handicapped girl is white.
They're always white.
Does anybody want to debate me on it?
Because here's the best part of the joke.
Here's the best part of the joke to me.
Is that the story is not true.
None of it's true.
Not even a little bit. It's all fake.
It's all totally made up. It's fabricated.
But it took you on a ride.
You were there.
You were in the hardware store.
You knew what it looked like,
what it smelled like.
You constructed it in your mind.
You made it taste how
you wanted it to fucking taste.
I didn't do it. You did it.
You did it.
Huh? We paint the picture.
Who's holding the brush?
I want you to raise your hand if,
when I told the story,
you saw a non-white
mentally handicapped girl.
Yeah. Yeah.
How's that taste?
How does that taste? Huh?
Yeah.
You'll all be driving home,
"They are usually white.
I don't know what it is."
Denver, I hope you enjoyed the burger.
Thank you so very much.
[crowd cheering]
Thank you, guys.
Thank you so very much, Denver!
I love you guys.
Thank you so much.
Goodbye, you guys. Good night.
Thank you, guys.
[crowd cheering]
["Hold On, Here It Go" playing]
[song ends]