Another Gay Movie (2006) Movie Script
So this is truly exciting...
Two by one equals...
Ah, Andy -- you could
come up here, please?
Ahhh...
Help out Mr. Puckov?
Oh... Andy.
Andy?
Oh, Mr. Puckov.
Oh, I want it.
So bad I can taste it!
Oh, teach me, Mr. P.
Oh yeah, oh yeah.
Ohhh yeah, yeah yeah.
Oh, Mr. Puckov.
Show me how it's done.
Fill my virgin hole!
Oh.
Ooooo, Mr. Puckov.
You're so raw!
Ma!
Did you eat all my
cucumbers again?
Can you knock?!
Well I'm sorry, sweetie.
But every time I go to
make a garden salad...
my vegetables vanish.
I ironed your cap
and gown for you.
We are so darn proud of you!
Thanks, Mom.
Oh, well... what
happened to your gerbil?
Oh, ah, Sparky,
he... ran away.
Oh.
It's laundry day, Andy.
I need everything dirty.
Oh.
Ready for graduation, son?
Hey, hun -- there's
your cucumber.
Dear Lord!
No, no hun,
that's just a...
shrink wrap they put on
at the supermarket.
Is that not right?
Yes.
Hey, there's my
needle-nosed pliers!
Ahhhhh!
Mommie... Dad.
Now calm down.
Now stop it.
You'll just make
yourself sick.
Okay!
Let's just go outside-
this is a man's thing, okay?
Could you get out
of here, please!
Let's just step out here,
and I'll get you some
nitroglycerin, okay?
We'll watch that
Lawrence Welk DVD.
AHHH!
Well, I guess that's
life with a gay son.
Hmmm.
Woo!
Your graduation speech
was awesome, Griff.
I was so proud!
I could always do better.
You're the
Valedictorian, goober!
Congrats on your baseball
scholarship, dude.
Thanks, man.
Welcome to
adulthood, children.
Yay!
So, who's gettin' laid at Muffler's
graduation party tonight?
Well, Mr. Puckov said
he might drop by,
and I'm technically not
his student anymore...
so this could
be my big night.
Heads up, here he comes.
Oh, hello, Boys.
Hearty congratulations.
Thanks, Mr. P.
And I just wanted to say,
that I'm really
gonna miss your ass...
...your class this year.
And we were just wondering
whether or not you're going...
to be coming on any of us
tonight 'cause I'm gonna...
be coming and I would really
like it if you came, too.
We shall see.
Some schools get an
exchange student,
we get an exchange teacher.
Where the heck is
Tartaristan anyway?
The Republic of Tartaristan
is a Muslim state...
in the former Soviet Union.
I believe the
capital is Kazan.
Hey, Daisy!
Forward, forward, good girl!
Have you told her you're
quote "bi" unquote yet?
No way!
You know I don't like labels.
Besides, it would
break her heart.
So shhhh, here she comes.
- Hey, Daze.
- Hi, Nico.
I finished designing
your gown for the party.
We are gonna make, like,
SUCH a cute couple.
Okay, doll.
Love ya, call ya,
drive safe.
News flash, boys.
Looks like I'm finally
takin' the plunge.
Do tell.
I've got a date and
he is totally my type.
Oh?
And how do you define that?
I'm an ASSMAN, son.
Asses aren't all they're
cracked up to be.
I personally prefer
a prodigious penis.
You outta know, Griff.
I remember from 8th grade,
yours is like WOW.
What the FUUUUUCK!
How you doin?!
You boys still talkin' 'bout
pussy, steada gettin' it?
Ha, ha, ha.
Might wanna return those
shriveled-up skin flutes...
of yours for a refund if you're
not gonna fuckin' use 'em.
Hello, I've used mine.
I mean... like for
blowjobs-n-stuff.
Wake up, kids -- Fact is, none
of ya has done "the big A."
The what?
ANAL, dudes.
You know, sausage-smugglin',
fudge-packin'...
the old Hershey highway.
Ewww!
Well, my date's the captain
of the St. Mary's football team.
And I think he's a bottom.
All Catholics are
bottoms, my friend.
Take it from the Muff-ster.
I expect all of you
booty-virgins...
will be coming to
my party tonight?
We'll be there.
Mmm-hmm.
Ah, ha-ha...
She is so full of shit.
She probably never even
touched a... triangle.
Ewww!
I guess Muffler's
right, though.
Scientifically speaking,
we're all still virgins.
Guess I don't have to feel
like a TOTAL loser, then.
Well, at least the rest of
us have SOME experience.
Thanks, Jarod,
that feels nice.
Can't we talk about
something else please?
Coming-out stories
are pass bourgeoisie!
This isn't about coming-out,
we're WAY past that.
The topic is anus copulus.
Hi-ya kids.
Hi, Mrs. Hunter.
Garsh darn, that Wal-Mart sure
does have a nice photo shop.
If ya ask me, you and Daisy
shoulda been voted...
King and Queen of the Prom.
Mom!
Oh!
Don't you think it's about
time you came out to her?
Are you kidding me?
She doesn't have a clue.
What about your
unique fashion sense?
Your obsession
with gay cinema?
Your lip gloss!?
Mom suffers from an acute case
of "Paul Lynde Syndrome."
She just thinks
I'm "special."
Hey, who's Paul Lynde?
Is he hot?
Oh my goodness.
So, Jarod.
Did you ever like... you know, get to
third base... like, finger someone?
Yeah, of course.
So... what's it feel like?
Like warm Quiche Lorraine.
Ohhhh...
Muff-ster!
Muff-ster!
Muff-ster!
Muff-ster!
What the fuck!
How you do-in', man?
Ha-ha-HA!
Ladies.
Anything I can do to make
your stay more comfortable...
Hey, thanks for
letting us come, Muffler.
Cindy, you
brought the twins.
Welcome to my maxi-pad.
Attractive garment.
Nice COCK-tail.
It's a Tijuana Sling.
The new cosmo, Kojak.
How festive.
Now pull the cork outta
your ass and maybe...
someone will fuck it.
What the fuuuuck!
Who's he?
He's practically perfect.
Yeah, sure.
But what did he
score on the SAT?
So... whaddaya think?
Isn't Tyler hot?
You're the stud, man.
Yes, sir, he puts the
ZZZ's in Aberzombie.
What do I care?
He's a PNP power-bottom!
Cool.
What's PNP?
Heck if I know.
Who is that?
Like, that's
Muffler's Grandpa!
Ahsooo... he raise-a Dawn
after she parent die...
in a Humvee accident.
He looks like
the Marlboro Man.
Dude's a fuckin'
GILWAD, girl.
What's a GILWAD. Buffi?
G.I.L.W.A.D.
"Grandpa I'd let
wine and dine me.
pay for bigger
breast implants,
and then fuck them
till I cum silicone."
But this-a too many
letters, Buffi.
Does not-a add up.
I am a cheerleader, Tiki,
not a calculator.
So you're like All-State
baseball, right?
I heard you got a
full ride at UCLA.
Yeah, whatever.
God, you are so
straight-acting.
Mind if I pretend you're
actually straight?
Pretend whatever you want.
Holy moley,
there he is!
Tonight's the night,
I feel it in my bone.
Word on the street is,
Mr. P. likes big shooters.
Legend has it that in
college he had to have his...
stomach pumped after he
serviced the entire golf squad.
Big-time cum whore!
Well I'll give him a
ride he'll never forget.
Yeah!
Say I'm Fuckov.
What would you do to me?
Yeah, but you look
more like Ms. Mann.
Ha ha - yeah, that's funny.
Oooooh. Mr. Puckov -
yeah, you're so butch!
Oh yeah... those strap-on plastic
balls banging against my ass!
Yeah, oh I'm gonna shoot,
oh I'm gonna shoot!
Ooooooohh Mr. Puckov --
I wanna have your BABY!
Oh, ah, I wasn't talking
about you, Mr. Puckov.
I was talking about a
different Mr. Puckov.
Your... Dad!
Thank you.
So.
You gonna take those off?
Maybe.
Good.
'Cause I want you inside me.
Ah, no.
I'm allergic to latex.
Bareback me, straight-boy.
Ahhhhhhh!
Ah... so much better.
I had it made.
Home free and then he went
and blew chunks all over me!
Every dog has his day, J.
Unfortunately, our lives
aren't coming-of-age films...
where everyone magically
gets laid at the climax.
This isn't
American Pie, Mary.
What's a boy gotta do
to get some MAN SNATCH?!
Deeper, Billy.
Harder!
I love you, Trena.
What is wrong
with this picture?
Everyone's kickin' it,
'cept us.
If the heteros can have
pre-marital intercourse,
we homos should, too.
Hey, why don't you and
Griff just fuck each other?
Ewww -- no.
We're like brothers!
Besides, we're both
exclusive tops.
And regardless, he
is so not my type.
Oh yeah?
What's wrong with me?
Yeeeeeeeees!
Plow that PUSSY!
Oh my goodness.
Like, thanks, Dawn.
I'll never forget this.
Pleasure's all mine, Suzi.
Dawn's awesome!
Thanks for showing
me my G-spot, Dawn.
Anytime, Buffi.
My GOD.
Bye, Tiki.
Dawn make-a Tiki leaky.
Oooh!
Me love you long time.
Once Dawn strikes.
they ALL go dyke.
Virgins.
What the fuuuck!
What the fuuuck!?
Muffler.
She lays half the
cheerleading squad...
and we can't even
cop a hand-job!
We're all gonna go to
college... virgins!
Brainstorm, boyz.
We just need to make a pact.
We all get laid before
the end of the summer.
As if we haven't
been trying already.
We don't know
shit about anal.
Maybe we've been taking
the wrong approach.
Maybe what we need...
is someone to teach us.
Certainly logical.
But... who?
College guys, older dudes,
men with experience.
Studs who can break us in and
show us how to kick it RIGHT.
I'm beginning to
like this idea.
Guys our age are sexually and
emotionally immature anyway.
I want a seasoned older
gentleman who can fuck...
all night and then
discuss the filmography...
of Shelly Winters in the morning.
Perhaps what you
want is a daddy.
No way, horsecock!
It's just
older men are... HOT!
Our very virginity is
at stake here, fellas.
This is it, this summer.
This is our chance to make
all our fantasies come true!
YES!
First we each need to define
whether we're top or a bottom.
Well, wait... we
have to choose?
Well I, for one, am 100% top.
Of course, me too.
Who would want anything
up their butthole,
in the first place?
I hope you're
writing this down.
But... I could be
into a dude, like,
you know... taking control.
Riding me.
I'm putting you down
as a "submissive top."
Not that I wouldn't consider
something in my back door.
As long as it was small.
Like, a finger.
Submissive top,
pinky bottom.
Isn't anyone "bottom curious?"
What are you
curious about, Andy?
Ohhh... ahhhh... we were
just talkin about...
where do you get
your hair done,
cause my mom is looking
for a new place?
Oh, thanks.
I highly recommend
Wal-Mart's Beauty Salon.
Tell her to ask
for Mr. Lance.
He is a genius with
a curling iron...
and such a flirt!
See!?
She just doesn't get it.
What about you, Griff?
Still thinkin'
you're a top-daddy?
Yes.
But I don't know.
I mean, it's all
so theoretical.
That leaves you, Andy.
Well I'm a top -- of course!
"PUSSYBOY IN DENIAL."
Okay, so... we all agree that
we're gonna fulfill the pact...
by penetrating a
member of the same sex.
What's the deadline?
Muffler's Labor Day
Bash makes good sense.
That gives us the
entire summer.
All in favor?
Aye.
Motion's carried.
Ready or not,
butt love here we COME!
Okay, okay -- a little
to the left, honey.
Right there, great.
Now zoom out.
I bet you look so handsome!
Who's my daddy?
- Son, I...
- Dad!
Oh, dear Lord!
Can you knock?!
Oh, jeez.
- I was...
- I had...
I didn't seen anything.
Okay.
Whatever it was
you were doing...
it's completely normal.
What were you doing, anyway?
I was... grooming myself.
Is that a gay thing, son?
I don't know.
Do you shave yourself?
- Well...
- No!
You don't have
to answer that.
Andy... in light of what
happened the other day...
I thought that you deserved
an early birthday present.
Thank you.
Well... open her up?
What is it?
It's a butt plug.
The butt plug,
Andy, is a device,
generally made of
polyurethane,
used to stimulate
the anal cavity.
This, of course, is
the deluxe model.
and ah... this is the
starter model, of course,
with the handy suction base.
Viola.
"Anal Pleasure and Health"?
Oh, Andy.
This book was
VERY informative.
In fact, I took the liberty
of highlighting some of the...
passages under the chapter
"Getting to Know Your Sphincter."
Oh, Andy, Andy Andy.
Being the receptive partner
in a homosexual relationship...
is nothing to be
ashamed about.
Okay?
Yeah, thank you.
Okay. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
In fact, this figure here 7.2
demonstrates the remarkable...
adaptability of
the human anus.
Oh My God!
What?
Look...
Yeah!
Okay, Dad - thank you!
That's incredible, isn't it?
What are these?
Oh, those are
for your mother.
I sure know here size.
Okay, I thought this
went very, very well.
And if you have anything else
that you wish to talk about,
you feel free to come
knocking on my door,
or call me, or even
a text message.
- Okay?
- Okay.
Great, it's just been great.
And ah, we'll talk.
Sorry.
Come on, Andy!
Come on now.
You got it, you got it.
Oh yeah.
Strike two!
You can do it, Andy.
You must "fuck-us".
Go Andy, run, run!
Strike three,
you're out!
Yo.
I'm Beau.
Hey.
Jarod.
So... do you pitch or catch?
I pitch.
How 'bout you?
Pitcher, in the streets.
Catcher in the sheets.
Strike one.
So, what are the chances of us
playing some ball sometime?
What are the chances of you
whackin' this ball over that fence?
Did you know the male animal
can achieve orgasm...
without even stimulating his shaft?
Ah, hello - Did YOU know
Muffler is spreading a rumor...
that Mr. Puckov trolls chatrooms
under the screen name "Rodzilla."
HOT!
Wish me luck, boys, I just
booked a date with baseball boy.
Oh yeah?
What's his name, anyway?
Biff?
Blaine?
BLAND?
Beau!
And why do you keep
bustin' on him, like that?
He's like perfect!
Perfectly boring!
YIPPEE!
I got a response,
I got a response.
Okay, the internet IS
the way to hook up!
He's a little young
for me, but...
He loves Liza with a
Z, and role playing,
and investment banking.
Ka-ching.
Damn!
That's almost as
big as Griff's.
You okay?
I've got a headache.
There's aspirin in my
Dad's... medicine cabinet.
Where's the soap?
Score.
Yes!
I'm growing!
It's stuck!
What the...?
Son!
What is going on?
Help!
Get it off me!
Okay, don't panic.
We can do this
together, okay.
I'm gonna brace, and
you brace, and you PULL!
FUCK!
Awwwwwwww!
Okay, I have another idea.
Now, hold on there - and
I'm gonna smash this bugger!
Fire in the hole!
FIRE!
Aaaaah!
Aaaaaaahhh!
Aaaaaaaaahhhh!
You know, kids... penis length
is nothing to be ashamed about.
Dad.
I frequently measured my own
penis when I was your age.
Matter of fact, I still do.
But no matter where
I place that ruler,
darned if I can
break five inches.
So, Jarod. I know what it's
like to feel insecure...
about your manhood.
Well, it all started back
in my Navy days...
you know, showering with
my fellow seamen.
Oh my God.
Yes, siree... oh boy, we spent
a lot of time in the showers.
There was this one sailor...
Zeke McGee was his name,
gosh darned if Zeke's "snake"...
didn't hang down
past his knees.
And if I close my eyes
and think about it...
I can SMELL it,
like it was yesterday.
Do you still keep in
touch with Big Zeke?
Now that
you mention it...
Dad!
Thank you for rescuing Jarod.
Now will you please
get out of here.
Certainly.
But before I go,
I just want to say...
that I really enjoyed
our little chat.
Oh my goodness.
Step, step, PUNCH!
Step, step.
Bounce... bounce bounce!
Step, step, PUNCH!
Step, step, PUNCH!
Sweat!
Bounce, bounce.
Step, step, PUNCH!
Down!
Bounce, bounce.
Step, PUNCH!
Arch your backs.
Alright, alright.
Take five, take five,
booty break.
My God... she's is
such a slavedriver!
I know, my ass has
NEVER been tighter.
Yo, yo.
What's wrong, dawg?
I need more maximus
in my gluteus.
You lookin' fine to me, Papi.
Whassup?
Angel.
Pleasure to meet you.
I'm Griff.
You want a homey
to notice your ass?
You gotta work it on OUT.
Yo DJ, pump up the volume!
You know what you got, dawg?
Like what you see, Papi?
Indeed.
I dance at Bodangles.
You want a private lesson...
Holla.
Right on!
Shit!
Maybe this isn't my sport.
You just need few pointers.
Here, stand behind me.
Now feel how I grip my stick.
I could teach you
a thing or two.
Mmm-hmmm.
Big time CUM WHORE!
They're all gonna
laugh at you!
They're all gonna
laugh at you!
White party,
black party, red party,
geez, it all sounds
so sophisticated!
Yeah, I got so high
at the last Blue Ball.
that I woke up with
a glow stick up my ass.
It was blue.
Ya know, we get you outta
those clothes and into the gym,
you'll be
ready to party!
My friends call me
"K," by the way.
Cool.
Is that short for something?
Yeah, K-hole.
But I'm all past that now.
That's probably
for the best.
Yeah, these days
it's all about the "G."
I beg your pardon?
GHB, girlfriend!
Whew!
You know what?
I am an expert at dosing
right up to the limit.
Whaddaya know, there's
a Charles Nelson Reilly...
marathon on the
Game Show Network!
Man, I am WICKED horny!
Are you okay?
Oh my God!
One, two, three, four.
It's not working -
it's not working.
DO something.
What are you DOING?
Give me some of that.
I mean, let me try.
We're not going to
lose another one.
His belt's too tight.
He's not breathing,
he's not breathing.
Get some air in there!
Oh, good Lord - it's
time for defrib.
Lube, lube.
Plan B - LUBE.
Three, two, one - CLEAR!
Three, two, one - CLEAR!
Three, two, one - CLEAR!
Muthafucker!
Holy shit, it worked.
Mom?
Dad?
Anyone home?
Hey, little guy.
Son!
It's not what it looks like!
Andy?!
- Ooohh!
- Ahhhhh!
Don't overreact.
I'm sure there's an explanation.
Oh my GOD!
Mommie, I'm so sorry!
I'm not mad at you,
I'm mad at the CRUMBS!
This is not good,
it's not CLEAN!
Mom?
I didn't hear you.
You didn't come home.
What's going on?
I think...
I like guys.
DUH!
What took you so long?
I was sure you led an
"alternative lifestyle"...
the first time you did Madonna.
I mean, cripe, how many three
year-olds can say...
they've performed her entire
"Blonde Ambition" concert?
Oh, "Strike a pose!"
Remember?
Gotta admit though, I did
start to suspect a lot earlier.
Oh, see how you already had
that little "swish" in your step?
Oh yeah, you were always
Mommie's "special boy".
There you are at your
first rock concert.
Carol Channing was
on fire that night!
Oh, and that's the time you
dressed up like Karen Black...
in Airport '75 when
we flew to Florida.
"There's nobody
flying the plane!"
Okay, okay!
I get it!
Come on, get in!
GET WET!
I'm getting a start
on my summer reading.
Hey, cut it out!
No, Jarod!
No!
You know I pinned
you yesterday.
No!
Wo-ow.
Look at those.
What?
Oh my God.
I think I'm gonna fuck Beau.
That's excellent.
Yeah.
We've been gettin'
really close.
Almost did it the other day,
but... I stopped.
How come?
I don't know.
I'm scared, Griff.
What if I'm not ready?
Well, the way I see it...
if you really like him,
and you trust him...
then I say, go for it.
No one understands
me like you do, Griffin.
You're the best.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Totally!
BDSM?
Of course.
Oh yeah!
Um... delicious.
Oh yeah!
What is the emergency?
Griff finally tapped into
the security system...
in the locker room.
Straight boy's
about to get naked.
Get the fuck out of here, man.
Place your bets,
Gentleman.
Ten bucks he's a show-er!
Baby's got BACK!
Dude, turn around.
Deliver the package!
You guys are ill,
you know that?
How so?
Look at yourselves, lusting
after the straight guy...
you can never have.
Aren't we beyond that?
It's so '90's.
He dropped the soap!
This is so wrong.
We have bush.
Repeat, we have bush.
Oh... my.
Can you zoom in on that?
Yes, indeed.
Our boy's a show-er!
Is he doing what I
think he's doing?
He's fingering himself!
He is a show-er AND a grower.
Abercrombie & BITCH!
Where the heck is Andy?!
Andy?
Can I still come in?
Rodzilla?
Oh, what the hell.
So, I take it you have
utmost experience?
In "the scene?"
Oh yeah.
I'm an old pro.
Cool hammock.
Right.
I use bicycle horn instead
of the safety-words.
Excuse me while I go to slip into
something more comFORTable.
Right on!
What are you wearing?
You mentioned water sports...
in case we wanted to take a dip.
Marco... polo.
C'mon!
Go back to
lick-my-hairy-cherry.com!
Holy shit.
What the fuck?!
There's a website where you
can tell the master...
what you want
to do to the slave...
Go to
rodzillas-interactive-dungeon.org.
We're busy, Muff-ster.
Yeah, sorry to break up
your little circle-jerk,
but that's an ORDER!
Hey, put that back!
Oh... my... God.
Rodzilla!
Mr. Puckov!
This is for my
Muslim comrades.
Imperialist American SVINE!
Ah, NO!
Your "ugly American" scene
is driving me insane.
Have another cheeseburger,
capitalist animal!
OUCH!
Oh my goodness.
This is for Kathie Lee.
Kelly Ripa, she sucks!
Oh, go on, type
something in!
Teach him a lesson!
Okay, I'm serious,
that's enough.
Could we just talk this out?
Look, he hears us!
Ahhhh!
Supersize THIS,
mother-fucker!
No. No. No. No. No...
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. YES.
Holy shit!
FIST HIS ASS!
What's with the Cwisco?
This might take the edge off.
Ewwww!
Okay, Mr. Puckov?
You like my table?
My GLASS table?
What's he doing?
This one's out of my
jurisdiction, kid.
Am I supposed
to do something?
Ooooo, I love how
you play so dumb.
Just close your eyes,
relax, and enjoy...
Rodzilla loves
Belgian chocolate...
You know?
Maybe this sex thing is just
not all it's cracked up to be.
Maybe I should just hang
it up and become a Priest.
Then you could finally
get laid, Sister Mary.
Look, love is a
battlefield, kid.
If at first we don't succeed,
you just try again.
Yeah, but we're
running out of time.
Summer's almost over!
OK, who has a hot
prospect for the weekend?
I do!
Okay.
International gay
superstar Richard Hatch...
is coming to town
to sign his new book.
So, I figured I'd go for it,
cause God knows...
no one else around here
appreciates me.
Rock on!
What about you, Griff?
Nada.
Maybe the two of us
can check Bodangles.
Yeah, sure.
Cool.
Hey kids, how's it hangin'?
Dad, what are you wearing?
Oh yeah, the old
man's "got it goin' on!"
See ya at sea.
Oh my goodness.
It is such an honor
to meet you...
without digital censorship.
And who should I
make this out to?
Mr. Ben Dover.
Oh you beast.
Hello.
Hi.
Nice ass, man.
How are ya?
Hey.
Good day, gents.
Damn, I'd tap that ass.
It's so tight.
Hi.
Hey, Griff.
Griff, hey.
Jarod's has mentioned you.
Cool.
May I speak to
you for a minute?
Sure thing.
Alone.
Be right back.
What's goin' on?
I thought it was going
to be just you and me.
Is there a problem?
Summer's almost over, J.
Once we go off to college...
Wait.
Are you jealous?
Fuck off.
Everything okay?
Yeah.
Forget it.
Griff.
Rainbow Video,
Andy speaking.
You are not gonna believe
who is in my room right now.
Who?
Richard Hatch!
And I think he
wants to fuck me.
I'm about to get anal from
a million dollar bear!
Are you like... prepared?
Oh yeah.
I'm all set.
Gotta run, kid.
Boy Nico is about
to become a man.
Better safe than sorry.
Woe.
Woof.
That's hot.
Daddy likes it.
I forgot my car keys.
Oh, no, no, no, no!
I just...
What's this?
It's a plantain.
Okay, doll, love you,
call you, drive safe!
Maybe this wasn't
such a great idea.
Are you alright?
I'm fine.
Can you excuse me
for one moment?
Mmmm, yeah.
How old are you?
Seventeen.
Sorry, kid.
WAY past your prime.
Hey Mr. DJ, gimme a BEAT!
Whoa!
Damn boy, you workin'
that shit OUT!
Taught him everything
he know, yo!
Bubble-butt, bubble-butt,
bubble-butt, bubble-butt!
Bubble-butt, bubble-butt,
bubble-butt, bubble-butt!
Bubble-butt, bubble-butt,
bubble-butt, bubble-butt!
Bubble-butt, bubble-butt,
bubble-butt, bubble-butt!
They're all gonna
laugh at you!
They're all gonna
laugh at you!
- Rainbow Vid...
- I'm about to explode!
Did you take the enema?
Yeah, three of them.
Oh my God!
Fuck this shit.
Hey, Andy.
Who's calling?
Ahhh... it's a wrong number.
Oh my goodness.
Richard?
Your ass tastes so good.
Looks like Little Jarod
likes it too.
Little... Jarod?
I've waited forever.
Dammit!
I fuckin' suck!
It's okay.
I'll get him back up again.
I'm sorry, it's not you.
But...
Can we try another time?
Please... please, stop!
Just take me home?
Fine.
Jesus!
My eye!
Dad?
- Dad?
- Yep?
Can I ask you a question?
Certainly, son.
How did you know when you
were ready to have sex?
Oh.
Uh, well...
Unfortunately, my Uncle Earl
made that decision FOR me.
But only you can make
that decision, Andy.
Do you think you're ready?
Yeah.
I mean, a big
part of me does.
But, I'm petrified
from the neck up.
Sounds like you
have your answer.
Yeah?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
I think I should hold on
to my cherry for awhile.
Good boy.
Um, ah... I have
something to tell you.
Okay.
Daddy's a bi-sexshul.
And it's all because of you.
Gee, thanks, Dad.
No, what I mean is... you gave
me the courage to be "me."
But, now Andy, I think
you're not gonna love me anymore.
Dad...
Well, that's what I think.
I'm afraid.
Oh, Dad, Dad, Dad.
Hey, hey, hey.
You're still the same person.
I'm still...
You're still the
same person...
Still the same?
And I will always love you.
Always?
- I will always...
- You, alw...
- I will always...
- Alw...
- I will always...
- Al...
- I will always...
- Al...
I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!
Dad!
You will always love ME?
Oh, Andy.
I will always love you.
Now, stop.
I gotta go, kid.
I cannot believe I almost
sucked my Dad's dick.
Desperate times call for
desperate measures, kid.
Maybe you should've done him.
I cannot believe a Survivor
Winner heard me take a dump.
Suck it up, Girls.
Looks like my Labor Day
soire is gonna be...
your last chance to snag
a slice of the butt-pie.
Sex, sex, sex, that's all
we're ever talking about!
What's so good
about it anyway?
I've had much more luck
with my right hand
and my left index finger.
I can't believe you wanna
screw that sketchy go-go boy.
At least he's not
a brain-dead jock.
Sorry we can't all
be studs like you!
Guess what?
Tyler was the first guy
I've ever been with.
I was so nervous I
couldn't even get it up.
Now Beau wants me to top him at
the party and I'm scared to death.
Some STUD, huh?
Well, aren't we
getting testy?
Hey, hey, who told you
guys this was gonna be easy?
Sex can be messy, kids.
Full of penis drippings,
and ill-timed queafage...
and thirty-one flavors
of genital cheese.
What the FUUUUUCK!
He heard me take
a fart, Dawn.
Okay, fine.
You still don't
get it, do you?
Even after all
you've been through.
I was a stud long before
I ever licked a pussy.
Oh, great, a bull dyke's
gonna instruct us...
on the art of being men!
Damn right, bitch!
When you boys learn that having sex
doesn't make you a man...
maybe you'll finally pull
your pricks outta your poopshoots.
Crimony, kids.
I sure do hope you
get some ass-play.
You're sure, right?
Yeah.
I want you to top me.
You guys are gonna
BUTT-FUCK, aren't you?
Butt-fuckers!
Butt-fuckers!
Butt-fuckers!
Mini-Muff, get the
fuck out of here!
C'mon, I wanna watch!
NOW, Mini!
Awww, man.
I may need this.
Dude, don't be
a dick-burglar.
I'm glad you called
me back, Papi.
You know, I likes you
just the way you are.
Silver foxy...
You're Muffler's grandfather.
I've been accused of that.
And you are...?
Nico.
I'm Dawn's friend.
Enjoying yourself, Nico?
I'm startin' to feel
pretty darn happy.
Is that so?
And where is your
date this evening?
You're lookin' at one
stag fag, Herr Muffler.
Can I trouble you
for a highball?
I've had my fill
of this swill.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have
to see some proper I.D.
You have any good tequila?
Anejo?
Mmmmhmmm.
Aged eighteen years...
Just the way
Grandpa likes it.
What is it, Papi?
You're feelin' your boy, huh?
I'm sorry, Angel.
It's all good, kid.
No sweat.
Use what you got.
And hurry.
- Wait!
- Shit!
Griff?
- I need to talk.
- I'm kinda busy, dude.
It's an emergency.
Can you hold that thought?
You gotta be
fuckin' kidding me.
This better be
fucking good, Griff.
I had to tell you
before it was too late.
I love you, Jarod.
I'm in love with you.
For a long time.
I don't know what to say.
You don't have
to say anything.
I just had to let you know.
We gonna fuck, or what?
Cause my balls
are turning blue.
I'm sorry, Beau.
I didn't know...
I had a boyfriend.
Yeah... yeah... yeah.
And how Bette Davis
didn't win the Oscar...
for All About Eve is one of
the mortal sins of Hollywood!
If I told you you are
worldly, polished,
and sophisticated, would
you hold it against me?
My dear young boy, are
you trying to seduce me?
I don't know.
Am I?
Fasten your seatbelt, sonny
It's going to be a bumpy night.
So. where's Jarod?
He dumped me.
Where's Griff?
Papi kicked me
to the curb, yo.
Oh, wow.
Wow.
Okay!
Oh, yeah.
So. um... well.
Wow.
So where are you guys from?
Okay.
Awww!
OH!
Aaahhh!
Grandpa Muffler!
Oh Nico, heavens to Betsy!
Tap Grandpa's ass!
Oh, that's good.
Yo, you got
room for one more?
Ho!
There's a special place
inside me that you have FOUND!
My God help me!
Oh, "Queer as Folk", eat
your fuckin' heart out!
Good morning.
Thank God.
What?
I wasn't dreaming.
Morning, Beau.
Angel.
And the moral of
the story is...
real men take it up the ass!
And the best butt-love...
is when you're really in love.
Don't look so blue.
We're gonna find
husbands someday.
I know.
It's just that...
summer's over.
We're not kids anymore.
I'm really gonna
miss you guys.
What the fuck!
You KNOW we're doin'
Spring Break...
in Ft. Lauderdale, bitch!
To the sequel.
To the sequel!
Would you like to dance?
I thought you'd never ask.
My lady.
Hiya, kids.
Hi, Mrs. Hunter.
Muffler.
Oh... Mrs. Hunter.
Wow.
Okay, okay, we gotta know.
Muffler...
What's your secret?
Arghhhhrghhhhhh.
Two by one equals...
Ah, Andy -- you could
come up here, please?
Ahhh...
Help out Mr. Puckov?
Oh... Andy.
Andy?
Oh, Mr. Puckov.
Oh, I want it.
So bad I can taste it!
Oh, teach me, Mr. P.
Oh yeah, oh yeah.
Ohhh yeah, yeah yeah.
Oh, Mr. Puckov.
Show me how it's done.
Fill my virgin hole!
Oh.
Ooooo, Mr. Puckov.
You're so raw!
Ma!
Did you eat all my
cucumbers again?
Can you knock?!
Well I'm sorry, sweetie.
But every time I go to
make a garden salad...
my vegetables vanish.
I ironed your cap
and gown for you.
We are so darn proud of you!
Thanks, Mom.
Oh, well... what
happened to your gerbil?
Oh, ah, Sparky,
he... ran away.
Oh.
It's laundry day, Andy.
I need everything dirty.
Oh.
Ready for graduation, son?
Hey, hun -- there's
your cucumber.
Dear Lord!
No, no hun,
that's just a...
shrink wrap they put on
at the supermarket.
Is that not right?
Yes.
Hey, there's my
needle-nosed pliers!
Ahhhhh!
Mommie... Dad.
Now calm down.
Now stop it.
You'll just make
yourself sick.
Okay!
Let's just go outside-
this is a man's thing, okay?
Could you get out
of here, please!
Let's just step out here,
and I'll get you some
nitroglycerin, okay?
We'll watch that
Lawrence Welk DVD.
AHHH!
Well, I guess that's
life with a gay son.
Hmmm.
Woo!
Your graduation speech
was awesome, Griff.
I was so proud!
I could always do better.
You're the
Valedictorian, goober!
Congrats on your baseball
scholarship, dude.
Thanks, man.
Welcome to
adulthood, children.
Yay!
So, who's gettin' laid at Muffler's
graduation party tonight?
Well, Mr. Puckov said
he might drop by,
and I'm technically not
his student anymore...
so this could
be my big night.
Heads up, here he comes.
Oh, hello, Boys.
Hearty congratulations.
Thanks, Mr. P.
And I just wanted to say,
that I'm really
gonna miss your ass...
...your class this year.
And we were just wondering
whether or not you're going...
to be coming on any of us
tonight 'cause I'm gonna...
be coming and I would really
like it if you came, too.
We shall see.
Some schools get an
exchange student,
we get an exchange teacher.
Where the heck is
Tartaristan anyway?
The Republic of Tartaristan
is a Muslim state...
in the former Soviet Union.
I believe the
capital is Kazan.
Hey, Daisy!
Forward, forward, good girl!
Have you told her you're
quote "bi" unquote yet?
No way!
You know I don't like labels.
Besides, it would
break her heart.
So shhhh, here she comes.
- Hey, Daze.
- Hi, Nico.
I finished designing
your gown for the party.
We are gonna make, like,
SUCH a cute couple.
Okay, doll.
Love ya, call ya,
drive safe.
News flash, boys.
Looks like I'm finally
takin' the plunge.
Do tell.
I've got a date and
he is totally my type.
Oh?
And how do you define that?
I'm an ASSMAN, son.
Asses aren't all they're
cracked up to be.
I personally prefer
a prodigious penis.
You outta know, Griff.
I remember from 8th grade,
yours is like WOW.
What the FUUUUUCK!
How you doin?!
You boys still talkin' 'bout
pussy, steada gettin' it?
Ha, ha, ha.
Might wanna return those
shriveled-up skin flutes...
of yours for a refund if you're
not gonna fuckin' use 'em.
Hello, I've used mine.
I mean... like for
blowjobs-n-stuff.
Wake up, kids -- Fact is, none
of ya has done "the big A."
The what?
ANAL, dudes.
You know, sausage-smugglin',
fudge-packin'...
the old Hershey highway.
Ewww!
Well, my date's the captain
of the St. Mary's football team.
And I think he's a bottom.
All Catholics are
bottoms, my friend.
Take it from the Muff-ster.
I expect all of you
booty-virgins...
will be coming to
my party tonight?
We'll be there.
Mmm-hmm.
Ah, ha-ha...
She is so full of shit.
She probably never even
touched a... triangle.
Ewww!
I guess Muffler's
right, though.
Scientifically speaking,
we're all still virgins.
Guess I don't have to feel
like a TOTAL loser, then.
Well, at least the rest of
us have SOME experience.
Thanks, Jarod,
that feels nice.
Can't we talk about
something else please?
Coming-out stories
are pass bourgeoisie!
This isn't about coming-out,
we're WAY past that.
The topic is anus copulus.
Hi-ya kids.
Hi, Mrs. Hunter.
Garsh darn, that Wal-Mart sure
does have a nice photo shop.
If ya ask me, you and Daisy
shoulda been voted...
King and Queen of the Prom.
Mom!
Oh!
Don't you think it's about
time you came out to her?
Are you kidding me?
She doesn't have a clue.
What about your
unique fashion sense?
Your obsession
with gay cinema?
Your lip gloss!?
Mom suffers from an acute case
of "Paul Lynde Syndrome."
She just thinks
I'm "special."
Hey, who's Paul Lynde?
Is he hot?
Oh my goodness.
So, Jarod.
Did you ever like... you know, get to
third base... like, finger someone?
Yeah, of course.
So... what's it feel like?
Like warm Quiche Lorraine.
Ohhhh...
Muff-ster!
Muff-ster!
Muff-ster!
Muff-ster!
What the fuck!
How you do-in', man?
Ha-ha-HA!
Ladies.
Anything I can do to make
your stay more comfortable...
Hey, thanks for
letting us come, Muffler.
Cindy, you
brought the twins.
Welcome to my maxi-pad.
Attractive garment.
Nice COCK-tail.
It's a Tijuana Sling.
The new cosmo, Kojak.
How festive.
Now pull the cork outta
your ass and maybe...
someone will fuck it.
What the fuuuuck!
Who's he?
He's practically perfect.
Yeah, sure.
But what did he
score on the SAT?
So... whaddaya think?
Isn't Tyler hot?
You're the stud, man.
Yes, sir, he puts the
ZZZ's in Aberzombie.
What do I care?
He's a PNP power-bottom!
Cool.
What's PNP?
Heck if I know.
Who is that?
Like, that's
Muffler's Grandpa!
Ahsooo... he raise-a Dawn
after she parent die...
in a Humvee accident.
He looks like
the Marlboro Man.
Dude's a fuckin'
GILWAD, girl.
What's a GILWAD. Buffi?
G.I.L.W.A.D.
"Grandpa I'd let
wine and dine me.
pay for bigger
breast implants,
and then fuck them
till I cum silicone."
But this-a too many
letters, Buffi.
Does not-a add up.
I am a cheerleader, Tiki,
not a calculator.
So you're like All-State
baseball, right?
I heard you got a
full ride at UCLA.
Yeah, whatever.
God, you are so
straight-acting.
Mind if I pretend you're
actually straight?
Pretend whatever you want.
Holy moley,
there he is!
Tonight's the night,
I feel it in my bone.
Word on the street is,
Mr. P. likes big shooters.
Legend has it that in
college he had to have his...
stomach pumped after he
serviced the entire golf squad.
Big-time cum whore!
Well I'll give him a
ride he'll never forget.
Yeah!
Say I'm Fuckov.
What would you do to me?
Yeah, but you look
more like Ms. Mann.
Ha ha - yeah, that's funny.
Oooooh. Mr. Puckov -
yeah, you're so butch!
Oh yeah... those strap-on plastic
balls banging against my ass!
Yeah, oh I'm gonna shoot,
oh I'm gonna shoot!
Ooooooohh Mr. Puckov --
I wanna have your BABY!
Oh, ah, I wasn't talking
about you, Mr. Puckov.
I was talking about a
different Mr. Puckov.
Your... Dad!
Thank you.
So.
You gonna take those off?
Maybe.
Good.
'Cause I want you inside me.
Ah, no.
I'm allergic to latex.
Bareback me, straight-boy.
Ahhhhhhh!
Ah... so much better.
I had it made.
Home free and then he went
and blew chunks all over me!
Every dog has his day, J.
Unfortunately, our lives
aren't coming-of-age films...
where everyone magically
gets laid at the climax.
This isn't
American Pie, Mary.
What's a boy gotta do
to get some MAN SNATCH?!
Deeper, Billy.
Harder!
I love you, Trena.
What is wrong
with this picture?
Everyone's kickin' it,
'cept us.
If the heteros can have
pre-marital intercourse,
we homos should, too.
Hey, why don't you and
Griff just fuck each other?
Ewww -- no.
We're like brothers!
Besides, we're both
exclusive tops.
And regardless, he
is so not my type.
Oh yeah?
What's wrong with me?
Yeeeeeeeees!
Plow that PUSSY!
Oh my goodness.
Like, thanks, Dawn.
I'll never forget this.
Pleasure's all mine, Suzi.
Dawn's awesome!
Thanks for showing
me my G-spot, Dawn.
Anytime, Buffi.
My GOD.
Bye, Tiki.
Dawn make-a Tiki leaky.
Oooh!
Me love you long time.
Once Dawn strikes.
they ALL go dyke.
Virgins.
What the fuuuck!
What the fuuuck!?
Muffler.
She lays half the
cheerleading squad...
and we can't even
cop a hand-job!
We're all gonna go to
college... virgins!
Brainstorm, boyz.
We just need to make a pact.
We all get laid before
the end of the summer.
As if we haven't
been trying already.
We don't know
shit about anal.
Maybe we've been taking
the wrong approach.
Maybe what we need...
is someone to teach us.
Certainly logical.
But... who?
College guys, older dudes,
men with experience.
Studs who can break us in and
show us how to kick it RIGHT.
I'm beginning to
like this idea.
Guys our age are sexually and
emotionally immature anyway.
I want a seasoned older
gentleman who can fuck...
all night and then
discuss the filmography...
of Shelly Winters in the morning.
Perhaps what you
want is a daddy.
No way, horsecock!
It's just
older men are... HOT!
Our very virginity is
at stake here, fellas.
This is it, this summer.
This is our chance to make
all our fantasies come true!
YES!
First we each need to define
whether we're top or a bottom.
Well, wait... we
have to choose?
Well I, for one, am 100% top.
Of course, me too.
Who would want anything
up their butthole,
in the first place?
I hope you're
writing this down.
But... I could be
into a dude, like,
you know... taking control.
Riding me.
I'm putting you down
as a "submissive top."
Not that I wouldn't consider
something in my back door.
As long as it was small.
Like, a finger.
Submissive top,
pinky bottom.
Isn't anyone "bottom curious?"
What are you
curious about, Andy?
Ohhh... ahhhh... we were
just talkin about...
where do you get
your hair done,
cause my mom is looking
for a new place?
Oh, thanks.
I highly recommend
Wal-Mart's Beauty Salon.
Tell her to ask
for Mr. Lance.
He is a genius with
a curling iron...
and such a flirt!
See!?
She just doesn't get it.
What about you, Griff?
Still thinkin'
you're a top-daddy?
Yes.
But I don't know.
I mean, it's all
so theoretical.
That leaves you, Andy.
Well I'm a top -- of course!
"PUSSYBOY IN DENIAL."
Okay, so... we all agree that
we're gonna fulfill the pact...
by penetrating a
member of the same sex.
What's the deadline?
Muffler's Labor Day
Bash makes good sense.
That gives us the
entire summer.
All in favor?
Aye.
Motion's carried.
Ready or not,
butt love here we COME!
Okay, okay -- a little
to the left, honey.
Right there, great.
Now zoom out.
I bet you look so handsome!
Who's my daddy?
- Son, I...
- Dad!
Oh, dear Lord!
Can you knock?!
Oh, jeez.
- I was...
- I had...
I didn't seen anything.
Okay.
Whatever it was
you were doing...
it's completely normal.
What were you doing, anyway?
I was... grooming myself.
Is that a gay thing, son?
I don't know.
Do you shave yourself?
- Well...
- No!
You don't have
to answer that.
Andy... in light of what
happened the other day...
I thought that you deserved
an early birthday present.
Thank you.
Well... open her up?
What is it?
It's a butt plug.
The butt plug,
Andy, is a device,
generally made of
polyurethane,
used to stimulate
the anal cavity.
This, of course, is
the deluxe model.
and ah... this is the
starter model, of course,
with the handy suction base.
Viola.
"Anal Pleasure and Health"?
Oh, Andy.
This book was
VERY informative.
In fact, I took the liberty
of highlighting some of the...
passages under the chapter
"Getting to Know Your Sphincter."
Oh, Andy, Andy Andy.
Being the receptive partner
in a homosexual relationship...
is nothing to be
ashamed about.
Okay?
Yeah, thank you.
Okay. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
In fact, this figure here 7.2
demonstrates the remarkable...
adaptability of
the human anus.
Oh My God!
What?
Look...
Yeah!
Okay, Dad - thank you!
That's incredible, isn't it?
What are these?
Oh, those are
for your mother.
I sure know here size.
Okay, I thought this
went very, very well.
And if you have anything else
that you wish to talk about,
you feel free to come
knocking on my door,
or call me, or even
a text message.
- Okay?
- Okay.
Great, it's just been great.
And ah, we'll talk.
Sorry.
Come on, Andy!
Come on now.
You got it, you got it.
Oh yeah.
Strike two!
You can do it, Andy.
You must "fuck-us".
Go Andy, run, run!
Strike three,
you're out!
Yo.
I'm Beau.
Hey.
Jarod.
So... do you pitch or catch?
I pitch.
How 'bout you?
Pitcher, in the streets.
Catcher in the sheets.
Strike one.
So, what are the chances of us
playing some ball sometime?
What are the chances of you
whackin' this ball over that fence?
Did you know the male animal
can achieve orgasm...
without even stimulating his shaft?
Ah, hello - Did YOU know
Muffler is spreading a rumor...
that Mr. Puckov trolls chatrooms
under the screen name "Rodzilla."
HOT!
Wish me luck, boys, I just
booked a date with baseball boy.
Oh yeah?
What's his name, anyway?
Biff?
Blaine?
BLAND?
Beau!
And why do you keep
bustin' on him, like that?
He's like perfect!
Perfectly boring!
YIPPEE!
I got a response,
I got a response.
Okay, the internet IS
the way to hook up!
He's a little young
for me, but...
He loves Liza with a
Z, and role playing,
and investment banking.
Ka-ching.
Damn!
That's almost as
big as Griff's.
You okay?
I've got a headache.
There's aspirin in my
Dad's... medicine cabinet.
Where's the soap?
Score.
Yes!
I'm growing!
It's stuck!
What the...?
Son!
What is going on?
Help!
Get it off me!
Okay, don't panic.
We can do this
together, okay.
I'm gonna brace, and
you brace, and you PULL!
FUCK!
Awwwwwwww!
Okay, I have another idea.
Now, hold on there - and
I'm gonna smash this bugger!
Fire in the hole!
FIRE!
Aaaaah!
Aaaaaaahhh!
Aaaaaaaaahhhh!
You know, kids... penis length
is nothing to be ashamed about.
Dad.
I frequently measured my own
penis when I was your age.
Matter of fact, I still do.
But no matter where
I place that ruler,
darned if I can
break five inches.
So, Jarod. I know what it's
like to feel insecure...
about your manhood.
Well, it all started back
in my Navy days...
you know, showering with
my fellow seamen.
Oh my God.
Yes, siree... oh boy, we spent
a lot of time in the showers.
There was this one sailor...
Zeke McGee was his name,
gosh darned if Zeke's "snake"...
didn't hang down
past his knees.
And if I close my eyes
and think about it...
I can SMELL it,
like it was yesterday.
Do you still keep in
touch with Big Zeke?
Now that
you mention it...
Dad!
Thank you for rescuing Jarod.
Now will you please
get out of here.
Certainly.
But before I go,
I just want to say...
that I really enjoyed
our little chat.
Oh my goodness.
Step, step, PUNCH!
Step, step.
Bounce... bounce bounce!
Step, step, PUNCH!
Step, step, PUNCH!
Sweat!
Bounce, bounce.
Step, step, PUNCH!
Down!
Bounce, bounce.
Step, PUNCH!
Arch your backs.
Alright, alright.
Take five, take five,
booty break.
My God... she's is
such a slavedriver!
I know, my ass has
NEVER been tighter.
Yo, yo.
What's wrong, dawg?
I need more maximus
in my gluteus.
You lookin' fine to me, Papi.
Whassup?
Angel.
Pleasure to meet you.
I'm Griff.
You want a homey
to notice your ass?
You gotta work it on OUT.
Yo DJ, pump up the volume!
You know what you got, dawg?
Like what you see, Papi?
Indeed.
I dance at Bodangles.
You want a private lesson...
Holla.
Right on!
Shit!
Maybe this isn't my sport.
You just need few pointers.
Here, stand behind me.
Now feel how I grip my stick.
I could teach you
a thing or two.
Mmm-hmmm.
Big time CUM WHORE!
They're all gonna
laugh at you!
They're all gonna
laugh at you!
White party,
black party, red party,
geez, it all sounds
so sophisticated!
Yeah, I got so high
at the last Blue Ball.
that I woke up with
a glow stick up my ass.
It was blue.
Ya know, we get you outta
those clothes and into the gym,
you'll be
ready to party!
My friends call me
"K," by the way.
Cool.
Is that short for something?
Yeah, K-hole.
But I'm all past that now.
That's probably
for the best.
Yeah, these days
it's all about the "G."
I beg your pardon?
GHB, girlfriend!
Whew!
You know what?
I am an expert at dosing
right up to the limit.
Whaddaya know, there's
a Charles Nelson Reilly...
marathon on the
Game Show Network!
Man, I am WICKED horny!
Are you okay?
Oh my God!
One, two, three, four.
It's not working -
it's not working.
DO something.
What are you DOING?
Give me some of that.
I mean, let me try.
We're not going to
lose another one.
His belt's too tight.
He's not breathing,
he's not breathing.
Get some air in there!
Oh, good Lord - it's
time for defrib.
Lube, lube.
Plan B - LUBE.
Three, two, one - CLEAR!
Three, two, one - CLEAR!
Three, two, one - CLEAR!
Muthafucker!
Holy shit, it worked.
Mom?
Dad?
Anyone home?
Hey, little guy.
Son!
It's not what it looks like!
Andy?!
- Ooohh!
- Ahhhhh!
Don't overreact.
I'm sure there's an explanation.
Oh my GOD!
Mommie, I'm so sorry!
I'm not mad at you,
I'm mad at the CRUMBS!
This is not good,
it's not CLEAN!
Mom?
I didn't hear you.
You didn't come home.
What's going on?
I think...
I like guys.
DUH!
What took you so long?
I was sure you led an
"alternative lifestyle"...
the first time you did Madonna.
I mean, cripe, how many three
year-olds can say...
they've performed her entire
"Blonde Ambition" concert?
Oh, "Strike a pose!"
Remember?
Gotta admit though, I did
start to suspect a lot earlier.
Oh, see how you already had
that little "swish" in your step?
Oh yeah, you were always
Mommie's "special boy".
There you are at your
first rock concert.
Carol Channing was
on fire that night!
Oh, and that's the time you
dressed up like Karen Black...
in Airport '75 when
we flew to Florida.
"There's nobody
flying the plane!"
Okay, okay!
I get it!
Come on, get in!
GET WET!
I'm getting a start
on my summer reading.
Hey, cut it out!
No, Jarod!
No!
You know I pinned
you yesterday.
No!
Wo-ow.
Look at those.
What?
Oh my God.
I think I'm gonna fuck Beau.
That's excellent.
Yeah.
We've been gettin'
really close.
Almost did it the other day,
but... I stopped.
How come?
I don't know.
I'm scared, Griff.
What if I'm not ready?
Well, the way I see it...
if you really like him,
and you trust him...
then I say, go for it.
No one understands
me like you do, Griffin.
You're the best.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Totally!
BDSM?
Of course.
Oh yeah!
Um... delicious.
Oh yeah!
What is the emergency?
Griff finally tapped into
the security system...
in the locker room.
Straight boy's
about to get naked.
Get the fuck out of here, man.
Place your bets,
Gentleman.
Ten bucks he's a show-er!
Baby's got BACK!
Dude, turn around.
Deliver the package!
You guys are ill,
you know that?
How so?
Look at yourselves, lusting
after the straight guy...
you can never have.
Aren't we beyond that?
It's so '90's.
He dropped the soap!
This is so wrong.
We have bush.
Repeat, we have bush.
Oh... my.
Can you zoom in on that?
Yes, indeed.
Our boy's a show-er!
Is he doing what I
think he's doing?
He's fingering himself!
He is a show-er AND a grower.
Abercrombie & BITCH!
Where the heck is Andy?!
Andy?
Can I still come in?
Rodzilla?
Oh, what the hell.
So, I take it you have
utmost experience?
In "the scene?"
Oh yeah.
I'm an old pro.
Cool hammock.
Right.
I use bicycle horn instead
of the safety-words.
Excuse me while I go to slip into
something more comFORTable.
Right on!
What are you wearing?
You mentioned water sports...
in case we wanted to take a dip.
Marco... polo.
C'mon!
Go back to
lick-my-hairy-cherry.com!
Holy shit.
What the fuck?!
There's a website where you
can tell the master...
what you want
to do to the slave...
Go to
rodzillas-interactive-dungeon.org.
We're busy, Muff-ster.
Yeah, sorry to break up
your little circle-jerk,
but that's an ORDER!
Hey, put that back!
Oh... my... God.
Rodzilla!
Mr. Puckov!
This is for my
Muslim comrades.
Imperialist American SVINE!
Ah, NO!
Your "ugly American" scene
is driving me insane.
Have another cheeseburger,
capitalist animal!
OUCH!
Oh my goodness.
This is for Kathie Lee.
Kelly Ripa, she sucks!
Oh, go on, type
something in!
Teach him a lesson!
Okay, I'm serious,
that's enough.
Could we just talk this out?
Look, he hears us!
Ahhhh!
Supersize THIS,
mother-fucker!
No. No. No. No. No...
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. YES.
Holy shit!
FIST HIS ASS!
What's with the Cwisco?
This might take the edge off.
Ewwww!
Okay, Mr. Puckov?
You like my table?
My GLASS table?
What's he doing?
This one's out of my
jurisdiction, kid.
Am I supposed
to do something?
Ooooo, I love how
you play so dumb.
Just close your eyes,
relax, and enjoy...
Rodzilla loves
Belgian chocolate...
You know?
Maybe this sex thing is just
not all it's cracked up to be.
Maybe I should just hang
it up and become a Priest.
Then you could finally
get laid, Sister Mary.
Look, love is a
battlefield, kid.
If at first we don't succeed,
you just try again.
Yeah, but we're
running out of time.
Summer's almost over!
OK, who has a hot
prospect for the weekend?
I do!
Okay.
International gay
superstar Richard Hatch...
is coming to town
to sign his new book.
So, I figured I'd go for it,
cause God knows...
no one else around here
appreciates me.
Rock on!
What about you, Griff?
Nada.
Maybe the two of us
can check Bodangles.
Yeah, sure.
Cool.
Hey kids, how's it hangin'?
Dad, what are you wearing?
Oh yeah, the old
man's "got it goin' on!"
See ya at sea.
Oh my goodness.
It is such an honor
to meet you...
without digital censorship.
And who should I
make this out to?
Mr. Ben Dover.
Oh you beast.
Hello.
Hi.
Nice ass, man.
How are ya?
Hey.
Good day, gents.
Damn, I'd tap that ass.
It's so tight.
Hi.
Hey, Griff.
Griff, hey.
Jarod's has mentioned you.
Cool.
May I speak to
you for a minute?
Sure thing.
Alone.
Be right back.
What's goin' on?
I thought it was going
to be just you and me.
Is there a problem?
Summer's almost over, J.
Once we go off to college...
Wait.
Are you jealous?
Fuck off.
Everything okay?
Yeah.
Forget it.
Griff.
Rainbow Video,
Andy speaking.
You are not gonna believe
who is in my room right now.
Who?
Richard Hatch!
And I think he
wants to fuck me.
I'm about to get anal from
a million dollar bear!
Are you like... prepared?
Oh yeah.
I'm all set.
Gotta run, kid.
Boy Nico is about
to become a man.
Better safe than sorry.
Woe.
Woof.
That's hot.
Daddy likes it.
I forgot my car keys.
Oh, no, no, no, no!
I just...
What's this?
It's a plantain.
Okay, doll, love you,
call you, drive safe!
Maybe this wasn't
such a great idea.
Are you alright?
I'm fine.
Can you excuse me
for one moment?
Mmmm, yeah.
How old are you?
Seventeen.
Sorry, kid.
WAY past your prime.
Hey Mr. DJ, gimme a BEAT!
Whoa!
Damn boy, you workin'
that shit OUT!
Taught him everything
he know, yo!
Bubble-butt, bubble-butt,
bubble-butt, bubble-butt!
Bubble-butt, bubble-butt,
bubble-butt, bubble-butt!
Bubble-butt, bubble-butt,
bubble-butt, bubble-butt!
Bubble-butt, bubble-butt,
bubble-butt, bubble-butt!
They're all gonna
laugh at you!
They're all gonna
laugh at you!
- Rainbow Vid...
- I'm about to explode!
Did you take the enema?
Yeah, three of them.
Oh my God!
Fuck this shit.
Hey, Andy.
Who's calling?
Ahhh... it's a wrong number.
Oh my goodness.
Richard?
Your ass tastes so good.
Looks like Little Jarod
likes it too.
Little... Jarod?
I've waited forever.
Dammit!
I fuckin' suck!
It's okay.
I'll get him back up again.
I'm sorry, it's not you.
But...
Can we try another time?
Please... please, stop!
Just take me home?
Fine.
Jesus!
My eye!
Dad?
- Dad?
- Yep?
Can I ask you a question?
Certainly, son.
How did you know when you
were ready to have sex?
Oh.
Uh, well...
Unfortunately, my Uncle Earl
made that decision FOR me.
But only you can make
that decision, Andy.
Do you think you're ready?
Yeah.
I mean, a big
part of me does.
But, I'm petrified
from the neck up.
Sounds like you
have your answer.
Yeah?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
I think I should hold on
to my cherry for awhile.
Good boy.
Um, ah... I have
something to tell you.
Okay.
Daddy's a bi-sexshul.
And it's all because of you.
Gee, thanks, Dad.
No, what I mean is... you gave
me the courage to be "me."
But, now Andy, I think
you're not gonna love me anymore.
Dad...
Well, that's what I think.
I'm afraid.
Oh, Dad, Dad, Dad.
Hey, hey, hey.
You're still the same person.
I'm still...
You're still the
same person...
Still the same?
And I will always love you.
Always?
- I will always...
- You, alw...
- I will always...
- Alw...
- I will always...
- Al...
- I will always...
- Al...
I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!
Dad!
You will always love ME?
Oh, Andy.
I will always love you.
Now, stop.
I gotta go, kid.
I cannot believe I almost
sucked my Dad's dick.
Desperate times call for
desperate measures, kid.
Maybe you should've done him.
I cannot believe a Survivor
Winner heard me take a dump.
Suck it up, Girls.
Looks like my Labor Day
soire is gonna be...
your last chance to snag
a slice of the butt-pie.
Sex, sex, sex, that's all
we're ever talking about!
What's so good
about it anyway?
I've had much more luck
with my right hand
and my left index finger.
I can't believe you wanna
screw that sketchy go-go boy.
At least he's not
a brain-dead jock.
Sorry we can't all
be studs like you!
Guess what?
Tyler was the first guy
I've ever been with.
I was so nervous I
couldn't even get it up.
Now Beau wants me to top him at
the party and I'm scared to death.
Some STUD, huh?
Well, aren't we
getting testy?
Hey, hey, who told you
guys this was gonna be easy?
Sex can be messy, kids.
Full of penis drippings,
and ill-timed queafage...
and thirty-one flavors
of genital cheese.
What the FUUUUUCK!
He heard me take
a fart, Dawn.
Okay, fine.
You still don't
get it, do you?
Even after all
you've been through.
I was a stud long before
I ever licked a pussy.
Oh, great, a bull dyke's
gonna instruct us...
on the art of being men!
Damn right, bitch!
When you boys learn that having sex
doesn't make you a man...
maybe you'll finally pull
your pricks outta your poopshoots.
Crimony, kids.
I sure do hope you
get some ass-play.
You're sure, right?
Yeah.
I want you to top me.
You guys are gonna
BUTT-FUCK, aren't you?
Butt-fuckers!
Butt-fuckers!
Butt-fuckers!
Mini-Muff, get the
fuck out of here!
C'mon, I wanna watch!
NOW, Mini!
Awww, man.
I may need this.
Dude, don't be
a dick-burglar.
I'm glad you called
me back, Papi.
You know, I likes you
just the way you are.
Silver foxy...
You're Muffler's grandfather.
I've been accused of that.
And you are...?
Nico.
I'm Dawn's friend.
Enjoying yourself, Nico?
I'm startin' to feel
pretty darn happy.
Is that so?
And where is your
date this evening?
You're lookin' at one
stag fag, Herr Muffler.
Can I trouble you
for a highball?
I've had my fill
of this swill.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have
to see some proper I.D.
You have any good tequila?
Anejo?
Mmmmhmmm.
Aged eighteen years...
Just the way
Grandpa likes it.
What is it, Papi?
You're feelin' your boy, huh?
I'm sorry, Angel.
It's all good, kid.
No sweat.
Use what you got.
And hurry.
- Wait!
- Shit!
Griff?
- I need to talk.
- I'm kinda busy, dude.
It's an emergency.
Can you hold that thought?
You gotta be
fuckin' kidding me.
This better be
fucking good, Griff.
I had to tell you
before it was too late.
I love you, Jarod.
I'm in love with you.
For a long time.
I don't know what to say.
You don't have
to say anything.
I just had to let you know.
We gonna fuck, or what?
Cause my balls
are turning blue.
I'm sorry, Beau.
I didn't know...
I had a boyfriend.
Yeah... yeah... yeah.
And how Bette Davis
didn't win the Oscar...
for All About Eve is one of
the mortal sins of Hollywood!
If I told you you are
worldly, polished,
and sophisticated, would
you hold it against me?
My dear young boy, are
you trying to seduce me?
I don't know.
Am I?
Fasten your seatbelt, sonny
It's going to be a bumpy night.
So. where's Jarod?
He dumped me.
Where's Griff?
Papi kicked me
to the curb, yo.
Oh, wow.
Wow.
Okay!
Oh, yeah.
So. um... well.
Wow.
So where are you guys from?
Okay.
Awww!
OH!
Aaahhh!
Grandpa Muffler!
Oh Nico, heavens to Betsy!
Tap Grandpa's ass!
Oh, that's good.
Yo, you got
room for one more?
Ho!
There's a special place
inside me that you have FOUND!
My God help me!
Oh, "Queer as Folk", eat
your fuckin' heart out!
Good morning.
Thank God.
What?
I wasn't dreaming.
Morning, Beau.
Angel.
And the moral of
the story is...
real men take it up the ass!
And the best butt-love...
is when you're really in love.
Don't look so blue.
We're gonna find
husbands someday.
I know.
It's just that...
summer's over.
We're not kids anymore.
I'm really gonna
miss you guys.
What the fuck!
You KNOW we're doin'
Spring Break...
in Ft. Lauderdale, bitch!
To the sequel.
To the sequel!
Would you like to dance?
I thought you'd never ask.
My lady.
Hiya, kids.
Hi, Mrs. Hunter.
Muffler.
Oh... Mrs. Hunter.
Wow.
Okay, okay, we gotta know.
Muffler...
What's your secret?
Arghhhhrghhhhhh.