Another You (1991) Movie Script
Man: Now, easy, boy.
Steady. Wait, whoa!
Fucking wings! What's going on?
Fucking white horse!
Man 2: It's not bad, dude.
Don't give up your day job.
Is he milli or vanilli?
You are a genius.
Eddie: Hey, Andy.
Andy: Yo, Eddie!
Eddie: Drinks on the house!
Whoa!
Hey, baby!
Hollywood.
Hold it!
Hold it!
Thank you. Eddie: No problem.
Wow, I'm in love.
You're a fox, baby.
Not just a fox, but
the fox of foxes!
Heh, if I was a hound dog,
you wouldn't stand a chance.
I'd be snapping at
you day and night.
I'm a snapper.
Woman: Edward dash?
That's me. Woman: Take a seat.
Well, Mr. Dash,
for your probation, you owe us
100 hours of community service.
Let's see what we've got.
Oh, here is unique opportunity.
The la housing facility needs
some help with breekyln.
No laying bricks
or stuff like that.
I don't do that lifting shit.
Graffiti removal?
You heard what I said?
Does that preclude you from
doing anything strenuous?
Yes, it precludes me.
We do have a few
less strenuous activities.
But, uh, they involve
helping the disadvantaged
and there are
certain requirements.
I can have a degree here
in 24 hours. From Harvard!
A degree isn't necessary.
It's a matter of
Patience and kindness.
What they're looking
for is a "people person.
that's me.
Are you telling me you
are a "people person?
That's what I'm telling you.
Woman: How about
spending some time
with a voluntary patient
from the rivington clinic?
No lifting?
The rivington is a sanitarium.
Your job would be to
accompany the individual
to various therapeutic
and cultural pursuits.
I guess that means taking a
patient to the ballet or museum.
Museum? I know a
great one of those.
I can handle this.
Teddy: George, you've been ready
for months to go
back into the world.
But you have to feel ready.
Do you feel ready, George?
I don't know.
He's not ready.
Brad: You're scared, aren't you?
You're scared a girl will
ask to see your Mickey.
That's enough,
Brad. Let him talk.
Phil: No, no, that's not it.
He's just scared of lying.
Isn't that right, pinoc?
And then his nose
starts growing.
I hate when that happens, heh.
Are you afraid, uh, you might
start to lie again, George?
Brad: What's a pathological liar
going to say? "Now
I'm going to lie"?
Yesterday, you
couldn't wait to go.
Do you remember?
You said, "I'm
a-ready, Teddy-o!"
What did you say yesterday?
I'm a-ready, Teddy-o.
George: Hit the deck! Incoming!
Teddy: Why are
you afraid, George?
Why can't I just stay here?
Why do I have to
go? I like it here.
I feel safe here. American 357.
George: Why can't I stay?
Definitely U.S. air.
Excellent airline.
Flight 202 from Baltimore.
There's a nice young
man coming here,
uh, to take you, uh, to find
you an apartment and a job.
You're looking forward
to that, aren't you?
He's afraid he'll
see his girlfriend
and won't be able to get it up.
George: No, I'm not.
Teddy: Is that it, George?
Anyway, she dumped me.
She dumped you because you said
you were a brain surgeon!
I did not say that.
What'd you tell her?
A commando in the Navy seals.
Uh-oh.
Why do you feel you
always had to lie to her?
She wouldn't have
looked at me twice
if I said I was a
Volvo salesman.
Excuse me, sir. I
hate to bother you.
I know you're busy
with the therapy.
I need to clear something up.
You're not the
governor of California?
Did you fellows know he's been
lying? I have egg on my face.
Hello?
Can you help me
find nurse Fletcher?
Man: The dailies were great.
I don't understand.
They said the
dailies were great.
I don't understand.
Your brother?
This would be a marvelous time
to extract the
present for George.
Very well, Mr. Spock.
Gentlemen, set
your phasers on stun.
George, on behalf
of my entire crew,
Spock, bones, Scotty,
we'd like to present
you with a gift.
Something we
picked up on rigel iv.
It's our way of saying good
luck out there in the world.
Show them what you're made
of. Live long and prosper.
Go where no man has gone before!
Phil, will you shut
up! I think he gets it.
I was simply saying.
I'm very touched.
I must say, I didn't expect...
A hat. An honest Abe hat.
It's to house your Mickey
after a busy day of lying.
I know it's insulting to you.
But the fellows did craft it.
I'm not insulted
by this. Far from it.
I'm going to wear this hat.
I've earned it.
I'll treasure it.
I'm not afraid anymore, Teddy.
I'm ready for my new life.
Then say it, George!
I'm a-ready, Teddy. Go!
Have you ever worked with the
mentally challenged, Mr. Dash?
Well, my sister's a loony. Ah.
What sort of work do you do?
Well, little bit this.
Little bit of that.
Oh, look! There
he is, with the hat.
Can I have your Heath bars?
Wait, uh, I got a lot of
stuff to do, you know?
Places to go, people to meet.
You needn't worry about George.
He's not a lunatic.
Come on.
That must be him.
If he starts having fits
I'll be across the street.
I don't want to be around that.
Mr. Dash, I hope you'll
be patient with George.
Teddy he looks like a nice man.
I'll say hello and
bring him here.
See you in a minute.
Eddie.
Eddie, hi.
Playing games already, Eddie?
This is Eddie, isn't it?
George, this is Eddie dash.
George: I knew it! Hello, Eddie.
Don't you kiss me no more.
I'm going to kick your ass.
He's going to kick my ass!
Funny.
I want you to meet the
guys. Don't touch me.
Come on.
He's not a lunatic?
Don't touch me! Ahh! Motherfu...
Hi, everybody. This is
Eddie, my new best friend.
Eddie, this is Teddy
and Phil and Tim.
Appreciate it, but
we got to go, you see.
My car's out front.
Come on, let's go!
Ooh, Eddie says we have to
go now. I better get going.
So long, everybody.
Goodbye, nurse.
Goodbye, George.
If you need anything, just call.
See you later. Write me!
I can't tell you how
wonderful it feels
to be out on my own again.
I'm not sorry about
my time at the clinic
because they did
me a world of good.
I don't regret any of that. I
wish I could tell you sometime.
But I mean reading
articles, seeing newspapers
watching life and the world
and everything on television...
I'm just anxious to
be a part of it again.
I understand they put
basil on everything now.
I'm very fond of basil.
Basil is an herb whose
time has truly come.
I'm not letting
you talk at all, heh.
It just occurred to me. I'm
hogging the conversation.
I don't give you a
chance to get in there.
Jabber, jabber, jabber...
I'm trying to make
a good impression.
When I want to make a good
impression, I talk and talk.
Jabber, jabber, jabber.
Eddie: Shut the fuck up!
George: Sorry.
There it is!
What? The museum!
George: Oh, this
is going to be fun.
You'll have a good day
and take care of your life.
Aren't you coming with me?
I'd love to, but I got
a church group thing.
Eddie, you can't
just leave me here.
Oh, please, I
circled the want ads.
I thought you
would help me find...
Culture. There it is!
Culture's all you
want. Right there!
I haven't been on my
own for over three years.
You're not alone.
They got everything from
Dolly Parton to the pope.
Eddie, just give me a minute
to get used to the idea, okay?
Ready?
No, I'm terrified!
Don't be terrified.
Hey, George!
Got any money?
I'm okay for money.
Give me $50 and
I'll go in with you.
Eddie: Me and you.
George: I don't like it here.
Eddie: Wait a minute.
Did they only give you $50?
No, they... hi.
How are you doing?
Eddie: George!
Damn you! You see
what you did to my friend,
you big, green fuck?
My cigar! I'm so sorry.
You killed my cigar.
Let me help you. Al:
You broke my cigar!
George: It's my fault.
I shouldn't have been running.
Abe, it's you, heh.
I'm not Abe.
What do you do, disappear,
then come back to kill me, Abe?
You're mistaking
me for someone else.
You mean, because
of the hat. I'm not Abe.
You're not Abe fielding?
What is this, a joke?
I'm not joking at all. I think
maybe you had a bad fall.
Shit!
You know, a lot of
people would say
it's rude to bet
thousands of dollars
then skip town without a trace.
George: You're making a mistake.
Al: I got some of it.
What is that? Payoff of the bet.
What bet? You won
the bet. Dallas won.
I'm not Abe. You think
Abe won a bet from you.
I'm in the clergy.
Really? What church?
George: You want to give it to
someone named Abe. I'm not Abe.
Holy shit!
That's what I thought.
You think it's me, but...
I can't take that money.
Abe!
This is my best friend, Eddie.
He'll tell you.
You want to know about Abe?
You ask me, because
Abe and I are best friends.
Heh, not Abe fielding.
Big joke on me, right?
8:00, shorefront cafe.
I'll have your money.
Eddie: Abe will be there.
He's making a terrible mistake.
He might have a concussion.
I hope he has it tonight.
I don't want to do this.
Look, the guy wants
to give you money.
No, he wants to give
Abe fielding money.
I'm doing all this for you.
What are you doing for me?
But you want me to lie,
the worst thing I could do.
What good is telling the
truth if you got nothing to say?
I have things to say.
Yeah, about basil.
I know I'm not the
most dynamic person.
My ass is more dynamic, okay?
You just be quiet. Let
me do all the talking.
That way, you ain't lying.
I'd feel more
comfortable like that.
Monsieur fielding!
How good it is to see you!
It has been too long.
It's been too long.
Since he's eaten!
I'll move some people.
You a twin or something?
How nice to see you again!
May I take your hat?
How nice!
Mr. Fielding! Long time no see.
Eddie: You can
at least say hello.
George: I don't
want to lie, Eddie.
Eddie: "Hello" is not a lie.
George: You don't want
to be around when I lie.
All hell breaks loose.
Believe me, I become
another person.
When I start to lie, even
I don't know who I am.
Monsieur fielding, how
are you this evening?
Well, if I were Mr. Fielding
I guess you could
say I was fine.
This way, sir.
May I bring the usual?
Two usuals. You know,
we're expecting a friend.
A little old fat guy,
uh, kind of ugly.
He owes us a lot of money.
I think he's at the bar.
Thank you.
Eddie, we have to get
out of here. This is crazy.
You think I'm doing this for
me? Don't make me laugh.
I'm doing it for mom.
You know, my mother.
Wish I had a
picture to show you.
She's got what they
call a heart thing.
The doctors, they
call it a bum heart.
I was going to use the money
that we get to get it fixed.
I'm sorry to hear that.
I'd like to help you.
But you know, Eddie,
I told you I mustn't lie.
Okay, forget I asked
you. Just forget it!
You can send her flowers
when she's in the hospital.
Nice note saying, "die, bitch."
Abe, how are you? I didn't
know you were bringing a friend.
I'm ai sandrow.
Not that it's any of
my business, Abe,
where's a guy like you
disappear to for 5 months?
That's kind of a long story, ai.
I'm asking Abe.
Something wrong, Abe?
He's worried about my mother.
Mama's at death's door.
Listen, shithead, nobody's
talking to you, okay?
Eddie, Eddie.
I was just trying to tell you...
Don't tell me nothing.
I'm asking Abe!
I don't like this.
It's not polite.
Maybe he can't talk
about it, but I can.
Butt out, shithead!
I'm talking to...
I don't like it when you
call my friend a shithead.
If you do it one more time,
I'll cut your fucking balls off!
Ow. George:
Which I'm very good at.
Okay? Yeah, sure, Abe.
Say "okay."
You trying to tell me
something? No, no! Okay, Abe.
I don't want to be unreasonable.
I know you came to give
us thousands of dollars...
Listen to me.
But!
Don't call my friend a
shithead again, okay?
Now you can talk!
Shithead's okay.
Do you have any idea what
this man has done for me?
Huh.
It was nothing.
Pulling me out of that
explosion was nothing?
What explosion?
In the lift at lady
tushingham's.
Look at him. Look
what it did to his brain.
Did you see that? Look at this.
Hello? Anybody home?
Don't worry, he's got a
titanium plate in there.
When I hit him in the
head, it actually feels good.
What the fuck?
Just don't call my friend
a shithead again, okay?
Okay with you, ai? Okay with al.
Maybe I had you pegged wrong,
but don't ever call him...
I'm sorry. I didn't know, uh.
So, uh, what
happened in the lift?
What's a lift?
George: What
happened in the lift?
Lady tushingham, you
mean? I'm glad you asked.
This is a wonderful story, ai.
I can't wait to tell you.
There we were, Eddie and
me, in england, mind you,
at this swellegant party...
Lords, ladies,
everything and uh...
Not far from Buckingham Palace.
And lady tushingham
walks up to me, and she says:
"I
Challenge you to pull this finger."
Mm-hm. Heh.
"I challenge you
to pull this finger."
You say it.
"I
Challenge you to pull this finger."
You're going to love this.
Yeah.
What are you going to do?
What do you figure?
What could happen, right?
So I pull her finger. Hmm.
She cuts one.
Phew!
A rocket to Mars doesn't
have this kind of thrust.
And her husband
was lighting his cigar
next to her. Kaboom.
The place went crazy!
They weren't calling
you shithead then.
Eddie: Uh, them?
They probably were.
If you want to call me shithead
and give me some money
and say, "Abe won this.
Here, shithead."
You know, I'd say
"thank you, ai."
Man: Where the
hell have you been?
Where have I been?
Where have you been?
That's the question.
Honey, Abe!
Oh, my god!
Hey, get your ass over
here. Give me a wet one!
This is Fred and Ethel mertz.
Sit down. Get a load off.
Bartender, some drinks
over here for my friends.
Were you expecting
somebody else?
We were expecting you.
He wanted to start. I said,
"we're waiting till
you guys arrive."
So, what did we hear? That
you were in South America?
El Salvador.
My god, what were
you doing there?
George: Dropping
live oxen from 30,000 feet
on the guerrilla forces.
Man: Live oxen?
Why live oxen?
Because it hurts like hell
when they land on you!
Eddie: Ah, he was
just kidding about
dropping oxen from
30,000 feet out of the plane.
George: Oh, sure.
As if you weren't
with me in the cockpit
when the missile went through.
Oh! I forgot.
It slipped my mind.
I can never tell
when you're serious.
I'm in a plane
with a dead pilot
and the cockpit
thermometer says 30,000 feet
and you think I'm making jokes?
What's the matter with him?
Is he pulling my leg?
So what happened
to lady tushingham?
Will you fuck lady tushingham?
What's the matter with you?
I'm telling you the real stuff!
Forty thousand feet. A
terrorist burst through the door
put the gun to my
head and he says...
How'd you like that, al?
Holy shit!
Do you understand
what I'm saying?
Jesus!
What was I to do? Then
they tore out their knives.
And started swearing...
We don't know
what they're saying.
And Eddie says, "talk English."
Good thing we didn't
know the language.
"You don't talk English,
we're going home."
Mr. Fielding.
That really is an amazing story.
We talked about the
money that al owed Abe.
You know what I mean?
Didn't we talk about that?
We were talking
about all the money
that maybe Abe won gambling
from this, uh, fat man.
Al: I'm not the fat man
like you're not the
shithead, okay?
I'm not trying to offend,
but I'm not a shithead.
But you're definitely
pudgy. What?
Al's a little sensitive
about his tummy.
It's been 20 years
since he had a tum...
Oh, my god!
It's ruined.
Abe, it's your wife.
My what?
Man: You're right.
It's Elaine!
Eddie, I'm married.
Congratulations.
What am I going to do?
You son of a bitch!
Hello, darling.
You are not my husband.
I think I could explain...
You are an inconsiderate child.
You are an insect.
You are a piece of dust.
How dare you humiliate me
this way in front of our friends.
I'm very disappointed
in you, Gail.
You could've told
me he was back.
I didn't even know he was gone.
Oh, like hell you didn't.
What have you got
to say for yourself?
I missed you, dear.
Come on. Where are we going?
You've got some
explaining to do.
George: The money!
You're the most beautiful
woman I've ever seen.
I can't think of a single
reason for us to stay together.
I can think of one darn good
reason. How about the kids, huh?
Is it fair to them to make them
the innocent victims of this?
What kids?
We don't have kids?
Bear with me.
I'm a little...
I had a cocktail
at the restaurant.
Elaine: You are really
starting to drive me crazy.
George: Honestly,
I think you've made
an awfully big mistake.
Elaine: The big
mistake was marrying you.
George: I mean a mistake
that you think I'm someone else
than who I really am.
Elaine: What you
are is a lying bastard.
Get your hand off my knee.
George: I don't think
I lie that much anymore.
I lied a bit tonight,
but I was under
a lot of pressure.
Considering that this
was my first night out.
Otherwise, I think I've made
a lot of progress. I really do.
Just what did you
catch this time?
I didn't catch anything.
You went fishing for 5 months
and you didn't catch anything?
I guess I used the wrong bait.
Elaine: Used the wrong bait?
Will you please not
insult my intelligence?
I happen to know you
were with Angela Davenport
the entire time.
Will you close the door, please?
And don't deny it.
Don't even try,
because I got it right
from the horse's mouth.
You mean Angela told you?
No, Angela's husband told me.
Oh, gee.
What on earth have you got
in that foolish-looking
little bag?
My raincoat and rubbers.
He also told me
when he found you
he would cut you up into
infinitesimally small pieces.
Too bad he was bluffing.
George: I've been murdered.
Oh, my god.
George: Oh, little doggie.
Cute little doggie.
Oh. Oh. Nice doggie.
Yes, sit.
Be a good boy.
Nice doggie.
Sit! Be a good doggie.
Elaine.
I think something terrible
may have happened.
What? Hmm, uh.
What?
I have to... I have to...
What?
I have to... I have to...
What?
I have to... I have to...
What?
I'm honor breast, to
tell you the tittie hooth.
Angela didn't forewarn
you about her implants,
did she?
Honest truth.
Did you find out in bed?
Or did they rattle
when you danced?
It's very difficult for me
to be honest with you
at a time like this.
Give it a whirl, Abe.
Well, I like... I want to...
Want to say something to me?
Yes. I want to be
completely honest
and get this off your chest. I
mean, get this on your breast.
I mean, my breast.
Uh, get this off my chest.
Well, give it a try.
Give it your best shot.
The truth, Abe, let's hear it.
Ah, Elaine, I am
not your husband.
I am a Volvo salesman.
You are really beginning to
fray the edges of my Patience.
George: I've never
been to yosemite.
Oh, man.
Hey, I'm landing in
tall cotton. Hey, baby!
Holy shit, this is great!
They don't have this much
acreage in the projects.
Oh, man! Are you kidding me?
Holy shit! Huh? Kiss my ass!
Coochie-coochie?
Come here, little puppy.
Come here. Suck your dick?
Oh, ho!
Is this 1145 stone ranch?
Got some candy for you.
Goddamn it, you bit my...
Nice baby. Good fellow.
Hey, Abe!
Jesus. Abe!
Holy shit! Eh?
Abe!
How you doing, Abe?
What, you eating breakfast?
Hey, another chair?
Hey, this yours?
You don't need this.
Oh, Abe!
Eddie: Yo!
I knew you'd find me.
Don't touch me, Abe.
Just a little, let
me hold your hand.
Hey, don't touch me!
How did you find me?
You're in the phone
book under Abe fielding.
That was smart! Hey!
Can I call you Abe? You
know my name is George.
George, right. Your
name is George.
Yo, Abe. I mean, George.
How many acres
we got here? None.
Eddie: None? It looks
like more than that to me.
George: That's because you
think I'm Abe fielding, but I'm not.
I don't even know Abe fielding.
But I think he was
cut up into pieces
by somebody's jealous husband.
What the hell you talking about?
You don't believe me.
I'm not Abe fielding.
Hey, you're at the pearly
gates. Don't choose hell.
What will you say?
That I don't have
a place to stay
and I'm staying
with you for a while.
Maybe you'll ask her for me.
Hello, dear. Mrs. Honeybun.
Yes? Um, Eddie wants to know
if he can live
with us for a while.
You know, just
for a little while.
Till my mom gets better.
Couple years, tops.
No.
No? What do you mean, no?
Come on, peaches.
Peaches?
Abe has something to say.
Just hear him out.
All right. What is it?
Uh, Elaine, Eddie isn't
who you think he is.
Who is he?
Did you ever hear
of a prizefighter
by the name of Joe Frazier?
You mean the
"thriller from Manila"?
That's it. The
thriller from Manila!
Whoa!
Right after that fight
with Ali in the Philippines,
Joe Frazier got malaria.
And he lost a lot
of weight. Whoa!
I mean, a lot of weight.
He even shrunk a little bit.
And, um, even after
they got it under control
he thought if anyone
ever saw him like that
his career as a
prizefighter would be over.
George: No one would ever
give him a shot at the title.
He decided he'd better change
his name and his identity
till he could sort of work
his way back into shape.
It's been a rough road
back, right, champ?
Hey, I'm not complaining.
I just want another
crack at the title.
Save them. Save them, pal.
I'll help you, Joe.
I mean, Eddie.
Sorry, champ. I
won't slip again.
You know, uh, Elaine,
he's the best friend I got.
He just needs a
place where he can...
Lick his wounds for a while,
uh, and put about maybe
50, 60 pounds back on.
That is an amazing story.
I was very rude to
you a minute ago.
I'm awfully sorry.
I want you to stay.
Really. Please do.
I feel so exposed.
Please, uh, let me see
if! Can get the, uh,
guest bedroom made up.
I'll be right back.
Oh, shit, man!
Ahem, before I met you
the term "bullshit artist"
was an empty phrase.
But working with you
has made me a better liar.
You're just describing
everything I don't want to be.
This is a rolex. This is money.
Full of rings! My god!
What are you doing in here?
You said you were taking a walk.
I was looking all over for you.
I was looking around
in some of fielding's stuff.
I was doing a little research,
you know what I
mean? Like, this pipe.
You put this pipe in your mouth
and you'll feel like fielding.
And a dash of his Cologne.
Mm, put on some of this.
Smell like Abe.
Before you do the thing.
Before I do what thing?
Hey, the woman hasn't
seen you in five months.
She's expecting something.
You got to give her
what she expects.
A little padumph, padumph.
Eddie.
I can't do "padumph."
Uh, uh, that would be
under false pretenses.
What false pretenses?
She thinks you're her husband.
She'll turn the TV on.
What are you
going to say to her?
Well, I'll say,
"oh, gosh, Elaine.
You look lovely
tonight. Hold it.
That's what boy
scouts say on a trip,
trying to sell cookies.
I'm not going to be crude.
Nobody's talking crude.
I'm talking you be
suave, debonair.
You got to be Cary Grant.
Cary Grant?
What, Cary Grant, on a date,
he wants to do his thing
and he says to her...
No, no. I hope not.
No! Cary Grant's
smooth, debonair.
He says something
like, "Judy, Judy, Judy,
you want to padumph, padumph?"
That's what he would say?
Hey, either that or,
"you want to fuck?"
Oh, no, heh!
This is your
night. I can't do it.
Let's see.
I'm nervous.
This woman has a thing for you.
I saw it in her eyes.
Put some of this
on. There you go.
Not bad, is it? Mm.
Look. You go in there
and you think "Cary Grant."
Uh-huh.
Come on. Judy, Judy.
Man couldn't get laid
in a woman's prison
with a pound of pot.
All right, girls. Now,
this is your last chance.
If one piece of
candy gets past you
and into the packing room
unwrapped, you're fired!
Let her roll!
What are you doing?
Judy, Judy.
Could I interest you in a
little padumph, padumph?
Uh, who are you talking to?
You.
I want to know if you'd like
to have a little padumph.
Oh, gosh, Elaine,
do you know how long it's
been since I've done the thing?
Are you for real?
You...
Elaine: Who could that be?
Look, Abe, there's a car
coming up the driveway.
I don't know who else but you'd
come barreling up at this hour.
My god. It must be Abe.
Oh! Will you please
not do that anymore?
I'm sorry. I mean it must be me.
Would you go see who it
is? I'll be down in a minute.
Oh. Oh, hi!
Hey, there's someone
at the front door.
I'd like you to come with me.
Oh!
What's this stuff?
This is stuff that I'm
taking to get cleaned.
Oh, yeah. Looks pretty dirty.
I'd like you to
answer it. Would you?
Hey, you're the maestro.
Well, if it ain't
Mr. "finger on the bell."
How dare you! Open
this door. Open it!
Just who the hell are you?
I demand to know, and I
mean now, mister. Right now!
Who the hell are you?
Man 1: Elaine, you all right?
Hey, I'm Abe fielding's
best friend, asshole.
You think you can come in
and talk to me like I'm shit?
Oh, please,
you wouldn't know Abe
fielding if you were talking to him.
Wait a minute. You Abe
fielding? No, I'm not. Elaine!
My name is Rupert dibbs. I
run Abe fielding's business.
Dibbsy! Abe? Abe!
You old duffer! How's the boy?
My god, you're back!
Long time no see, pal.
I bet you thought that
was fielding for a while.
Eddie: It's kind
of dark in here.
You know how I knew
it wasn't Abe fielding?
Because I'm Abe fielding!
Oh!
George: Remember?
Eddie: How you
doing, you old duffer?
Fine! Hey, dibbsy.
Give me a wet one. Awhat?
Ah, come on, come on!
Have you lost your
mind? Look at that tie.
Not even a phone
call in five months.
Rupert: I'm not saying
you didn't deserve...
Everybody deserves a vacation.
No lectures, no lectures.
But how am I supposed
to run a business...
Brandy still your drink?
Ahem, I don't drink.
Still can't get him to drink.
This is my best friend, Eddie.
Elaine! No, Eddie.
Rupert. What are you doing here?
Rupert: Um, I have some
papers that need power of attorney.
But you can sign them.
I just need your signature.
You want my
"fielding"? Heh, sure.
You bet! I want it right there,
and there.
How are you fixed for cash?
Wow! We're a little short.
We? We got some things
to do downtown.
Uh-huh, I understand.
There you go. I think that
should take care of it, heh.
Uh, Abe, why don't you tell him
about the credit cards you lost?
Uh-huh, well...
I don't know what
I did with them.
This should take care of that.
Look at that!
Dibbsy to the rescue.
Just like the old days, huh?
George: What a guy!
Rupert: Looking in the pink.
That's my color, pal.
Heh, you back for a while?
You better ask the
little lady about that.
Elaine: Going to be
sticking around for a while.
Credit cards. Money!
Pussy!
You bet your boots.
Elaine, you look great.
I'll see you soon, Abe.
Welcome home.
Nice to see you again.
Uh, mister,
it was a pleasure. Maybe
I'll see you again, huh.
Hey, you can bank on it.
Abe. Hmm?
Ahem, who is that bum?
Why don't you get rid of him?
You know, dibbsy, you're
my business manager
and I respect you for that
but don't ever call my
friend a shithead again!
I said no such thi...
Okay? Hmm.
Hmm? Good.
Okay, good night. See you soon.
Eddie: Hey, dibbsy!
Ready to turn in,
sweetheart? That was so rude!
What do you mean?
Elaine: Heh, I can't believe
you'd talk to Rupert that way.
After everything
he's done for you!
I didn't mean to be rude.
I was just... stop.
Don't try and explain.
I'm going to bed alone.
Eddie, hey?
Elaine: What?
Can I sayjust one
thing to you? What?
Goodbye forever, dear.
Where are you going? I
can't stay in this house.
I mustn't be here
alone with you.
What's the problem?
Eddie's coming back.
Look at me! I can't.
If I do, I'm a goner.
I'll never leave.
You remind me of a
girl I was in love with.
I thought I was in
love till I met you.
I got her to love me
by lying, and I must not!
I mustn't do that again!
Look at me!
Are you leaving me?
I'm not Abe!
I'm not married
to you! I'm George!
I'm a Volvo salesman
for Horst Mueller!
Elaine: Look at me!
Oh, taxi! Wait, wait.
Just give me a kiss goodbye.
A kiss? One little kiss.
Oh!
Taxi! Oh, taxi!
Abe!
George, if what you say is
true, I find that admirable.
You were honest with her.
You left the woman you
loved rather than lie to her.
How do you feel?
Who took my red?
I'm asking you...
I'll answer you, but
who took my red?
Hey! Hey!
I can't believe I had the red
at the exact moment
that you wanted it.
I should be stripped naked
and have scalding soup
ladled over my
genitals by Dolly Parton.
Philip, put a clam
on it, will you?
Sorry.
George,
how does it feel to
be an honest person?
Where's my green?
Man 2: Did you pump up your, uh,
Mickey before you
showed it to her?
Who has the green?
Sometimes a patient's first day,
uh, away from the
clinic can be stressful.
Man 3: Is it, uh, possible
there was no Mrs. Fielding?
Wait a minute!
Maybe he is Abe fielding,
and he was lying
to us about that too.
Man 4: What do you think? Huh?
Just a theory.
Poor Mrs. Fielding...
I bet she's crying her eyes out.
That's enough. Stop it!
I'm not saying
that you don't have
some limited acting ability.
Limited acting ability?
Listen, bud, these
are real tears here.
When I hired you,
you told me you were
a professional actress.
I am! Sort of.
All right, I'm
basically a vocalist,
but I am studying acting.
I'm told by my teacher
that I'm remarkably
naturalistic.
That's not quite
what you told me two
Abe Fieldings ago, is it?
Excuse me, they both believed
I was Mrs. Abe fielding.
And let me also add this.
I think that my accent
was impeccable.
Despite your impeccable
accent, they both chose to leave.
That's not my fault.
You can't take any nut and
convince him he's Abe fielding.
That was not the job!
I don't care if they think
they are Abe fielding.
The job was simply
to entice him. Hmm?
To make them want
to be Abe fielding.
But they're running
from you like the plague.
I will not be handled.
I told you that
when I took the job.
And if that's changed, I
don't want the job anyway.
Well, that is just fine!
Oh, um, give my regards
to the unemployment office,
miss Mimi kravitz,
"professional actress," heh.
You'll be spending
a lot of time there.
You've got an unerring
instinct for the jugular.
I'd like that last
fielding back.
Uh-huh, the liar.
The liar is perfect.
No, not him.
Come on, I felt kind
of sorry for that guy.
Heh, why on earth would
you feel sorry for him?
Nothing bad will happen to him.
Would you like a cappuccino?
All right. But not
that poor chump.
I think he was a
little soft on me.
Oh, why wouldn't
he be soft on you?
You're a beautiful girl.
Sit down.
Ah, here.
What say you take another
crack at that role? Huh?
He won't come back
without his friend.
Oh! Don't worry about him.
His friend is mine
for bail money.
He's in jail?
I had him arrested.
The schmuck stole
Abe's credit cards.
Bail money?
You want me to work your
rinky-dink scam for bail money?
Shh! Uh, no one is trying
to get you to run anything.
I just want you to bring your
friend back for one week.
Unless you want to stay in here,
I suggest you do as I ask.
Tell me, is this
a sink or a toilet?
Stick your head in and find out.
Let me explain something.
I don't work with amateurs.
Like singers and actors.
There's only one
singer involved,
and that's Mimi kravitz.
The rest of these people
happen to be damn fine actors.
I cast them myself.
That's, uh,
Jerome handy as,
um, "ai the bookie."
Did you see his man of
la mancha last season
at the Pasadena playhouse?
I'm afraid I missed that.
It was super.
You've never run a professional
scam in your life, have you?
No, of course not. I'm a
legitimate businessman.
I run Abe's business.
I thought so.
A professional would
never use amateurs.
They crack out of turn.
I don't know what that means.
It means that I'm a
professional con man.
This is what I do for a living.
What you got here is
not a professional con.
What I got here is $10,000.
And it's for you
if you just bring your
friend back for one week.
You have to tell me more.
I will, in due time... ah!
Excuse me!
Oh, please!
Just take five grand now
as a down payment, okay?
I don't usually
work with amateurs.
But you've caught
me at the right time.
Wish me luck! Wait a minute.
What? Nothing.
I've just got to pave
the way for you.
What do you mean? I
talked to a psychiatrist.
You've got to take
it slow and easy
with this "George" shit.
She still thinks you're Abe.
All right? She's in denial.
She's got what they call,
medically speaking, a bum head.
Oh, dear!
After I talk to her,
you can come up
and do your stuff, okay?
Don't be long.
Eh, am I interrupting?
It's the "thriller from Manila!"
That's me. Woof, woof!
Fourteen rounds, you know.
I was scared to go 15.
Oh, yeah.
Did dibbs tell you I'm in?
Yes, he told me.
Uh, zeppo, could you
leave us for a minute?
Yeah, I'll take over from here.
Heh, what do you want?
To tell you I think the
guy's in love with you.
He's downstairs.
Eddie. Eddie.
Eddie. Eddie. Eddie.
Hey, Duane, give
the man a break!
Come on.
I'll let you hump my leg.
Come on, baby.
Hey, it's all right. You
can come out now.
Good boy!
Hello. Guess who's here?
Oh, honey!
I'm hom e!
And I'm ready for love!
Oh, boy!
Honey, it's me. Eddie, hi.
Remember me from in the
car downstairs a little while ago?
Ha, ha, I made a joke, Eddie.
Am I interrupting something?
No, we're just talking
and... never mind.
You two keep
talking. Get together.
See you later.
You're damn right.
So, long time no see.
What are you doing here?
I brought you some
candy and some flowers
and to tell you that you
and I had something.
I saw it in your eyes,
and Eddie saw it too.
Don't deny it.
What are you saying?
That you'd like to stay?
George: Would I like
to stay here with you?
Are you kidding?
Whoa! Hey!
Huh! If I could stay
here with you, I'd climb...
I would swim...
I would make myself into a...
I would stay forever
if you'd let me.
Uh, let's just see if we
can get along, okay, doll?
For a week or so.
Oh, I want much more than that.
I want to know all about you.
I'd like you to know
all about me too.
We mightjust find out
we have a lot in common.
What could we have in common?
I love basil. You like basil?
It doesn't sweep me off my feet.
My favorite color's brown.
I get reader's
digest. I love yodeling.
My favorite food
is wiener schnitzel.
Do you like wiener
schnitzel? You do!
I hit a bone! I hit a nerve!
I hit something. I can
see it in your eyes.
I'm going to win you over.
I'm going to romance you.
I'll wine you and I'll dine you.
One day, you're
going to feel about me
the way I feel about you.
Wow!
Eddie: You look really familiar.
How you doing, legs?
The name is Gloria not "legs."
You!
I've been dreaming about
you. Why are you here?
I'm here to see dibbs.
I got an important appointment.
Yeah, right.
Uh, this report... Eddie.
Dibbsy. How's the boy?
I'm glad you could
make it. This can wait.
Ever been to a brewery before?
How about a little
tour? That'd be great.
Listen, you busy Saturday night?
Uh, maybe, maybe not.
Heh, that's nice. I like that.
I'll see you
Saturday night, okay?
You paying?
That's cute.
Fine thing, heh.
Rupert: When
Abe fielding, sr., died,
everyone assumed
I'd inherit the brewery.
It turns out he has a son.
Eddie: Can we talk about Gloria?
Rupert: Later.
So as I was saying,
we finally track
down this Abe Jr.
10 minutes after
an ugly accident
during a dance of death.
The guy had gone off to Tibet.
Eddie: Could we
talk about Gloria?
Rupert: Do you mind? Eddie: Oh!
Rupert: Anyway, the only way
to keep the estate out of probate
was to convince
someone to be Abe Jr.
We found George in the
loony bin. A liar. Get it?
We doctored up a photo,
hired a couple of
actors, and here we are.
Eddie: Does she
always look that good?
Eddie: Sorry, I
think I'll find out
for myself Saturday night.
Maybe we could go
and do a little padumph.
Padumph? Yeah.
Um, I've done that before.
I think you'll enjoy it.
See that guy over there?
Man 5: He's one of
the best sax players
I've ever heard.
What's his name?
Eddie dash, right?
Yeah, amazing.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we have someone
very special here tonight.
One of the greatest
sax players around.
The one and only,
Mr. Eddie dash!
Yeah, oh, no!
Come on, man.
Eddie: Oh, god, no!
Huh? Oh!
Just go. Just go?
Uh, wait!
What will it be?
Uh, it really doesn't matter.
The guy's a pro.
Woman: Aw! Whoo!
Uh, it's interpretation.
Everybody!
Oh, my god.
Elaine: You know
a lot of people here.
George: I used to
come here all the time.
This is us, honey.
This is your table.
Would you excuse
me for a minute?
Yes.
Here's the music.
Good evening, honey.
Um, you know,
as we look towards the east
and see a united deutschland
it behooves us to stop and think
about what walls can do.
Walls between nations.
Walls between peoples.
Walls between
you and me, Elaine.
But if that darned wall in
Berlin town can come down
then maybe it's not
too much to expect
the wall between
us to come down too.
Who knows?
Maybe it just takes a dance.
Or a glance.
Or a chance
to sing a song.
I call this "yodelaine."
Man: Get off the stage!
J' yo-del j
j' Elaine j'
j my heart's aflame j
j yodelaine j
j I'm not insane j
j yodelaine j
J yodelaine j
I you screwed my brain j'
J' my Elaine j'
j' I love you I
Oh, my god!
It's Mimi kravitz!
Heh, don't tell
anybody about this.
J I'm in the mood for love j
damn!
Hey, what are you
doing up there?
Heh.
I know you're in
the swing of things
but we got business
to take care of.
What business?
We got to check him into
the dentist as Abe fielding.
Why?
Dibbs wants to see
his dental charts.
Bye-bye.
Dentist: Mr. Fielding?
Are you still
feeling the effects?
Nurse: Can you say something,
Mr. Fielding?
Don't call my friend a shithead.
Of course he has.
Well, okay.
Now, Mr. Fielding,
you just have one cavity.
So all you will hear is
the sound of the drill.
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tragic. Hmm.
Were there any survivors?
No one. The thing blew up!
Ah, how awful.
Says here that the bodies
were charred beyond recognition.
Oh, my god!
At least they'll know
who they're burying.
How? How will they know?
From the dental records.
They'll check the
dental records.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
George? George? Abe?
Abe fielding. What
cubicle is he in?
Who? You don't know him?
It's not what you think.
Then why does dibbs
want the dental charts?
I'll make a deal with George.
He'll hang out till
the end of the week
and then I get my money.
George, honey?
Abe?
But getting killed was
not part of the deal.
Dibbs would never kill
anyone. It's not in him.
Nurse: Excuse me.
Sweetheart, we're
getting out of here.
We got to go.
Dibbs wants you dead, all right?
Get this. Listen carefully.
He wants you dead
so he can Bury you as
fielding and inherit the company.
Dentist: Excuse me.
This is a dental office.
You must all leave! No, no.
No, she leaves,
I leave, he stays.
No, no. I leave,
you leave, he leaves.
No, he must stay!
He has a cavity.
You leave! What about him?
Show us the cavity.
Nurse: I have no idea.
Oh, you got a
rise, Mr. Fielding!
Ride 'em, cowboy!
Of all the gall!
Did I ever say that anything
bad was going to happen to him?
You never said it to me.
He never said it to me.
Why did we take him to all
those doctors and dentists?
Wait a minute.
It was to establish that
he was Abe fielding, right?
Yes, that is right.
And that is because
there are certain financial
transactions I can't make
unless Abe fielding
is alive. He's right.
Rupert: I want to
tell you something.
Quite frankly, I expected
more support out of
you, more gratitude.
For the money I'm paying, I
could've hired a real actress.
Oh, that's it.
That's the button.
You pushed it. I'm
out of here! Sayonara!
I'm going back to my
old job. What's that?
Yodeling in a
hillbilly nightclub?
Just what does that pay?
The man is just
trying to reassure you.
Rupert: By the way,
what business is it of
yours what happens to him?
I'm making it my business, okay?
Oh, have we fallen in
love with the lunatic, hmm?
Oh, no, hey, the lady's
not in love with him.
She don't want to get
involved in a murder rap thing.
Murder.
Wait for me in the car.
You got his guarantee that
there ain't going to be no hit.
There better not be.
Actresses, you know.
Can't live with them
and can't kill them.
Everything's okay, right?
I mean, it looks cool to me.
Well, not quite.
Sit down.
There's one more
thing I need you to do.
Yeah, what?
I need you to
dispose of the lunatic.
Ice George?
I need Abe fielding
dead and buried.
Ice George.
Rupert: Now,
please. Don't tell me that
you're, uh, above
this sort of thing, huh.
I never iced anyone in my life.
I'm a con man, not a hit man.
Rupert: I think you have
two qualities that are...
Don't touch me. Rupert: Okay.
First, you love money.
And second,
you have absolutely
no moral character, huh?
What do you say?
How much money we
talking? Name your price.
Look, Eddie.
Write down any figure you
consider, uh, reasonable.
I'll pay you that
amount in cash.
Go on, knock yourself out.
Eddie: Come on, we
got to go. We're late.
I want to kiss her goodbye.
She can't know about this.
I won't wake her. Just one kiss.
Look at that face.
Isn't she cute?
Eddie: Don't wake her up.
Let's go. What's that?
This is your gun. I
could never shoot...
Eddie: Yeah.
Holy shit!
Elaine: What
happened? You all right?
Sorry, honey. Fucking lunatic!
George: I've never
been in the woods before.
Eddie: What? George: The woods!
I've never been in
the woods before.
Eddie: Oh, the
most important thing
you need to know
is if you see anything
that looks like poison Ivy,
don't wipe your ass with it.
Heh.
You old duck hunter!
How's it going? Fine. You?
Wouldn't miss it for the world!
Damn ducks! What the hell
we need those ducks for?
Bam, bam, bam.
Rupert: What a
day to kill a duck, huh?
Maybe after the hunt
we can shoot billiards.
What do you say? Here.
I picked this out
for you myself.
What's this? This is
your hunting jacket.
Hey, that is great!
Thanks, dibbsy.
Eddie: It looks wonderful.
You know who you look like? Who?
Ernest Hemingway.
Honest? Rupert: Doesn't he?
Oh, yeah.
Ah, look, I hate to rush
something unexpected
came up. I can't go with you.
George: Why not?
Business. That's life, huh?
Emergency at the plant.
The ducks won't wait. They
don't care about business.
Come on. Let's go.
Did you shoot
all these yourself?
You did, heh.
And all the
Fieldings before you.
Ducks for dinner
tonight! Happy hunting!
Eddie: Wait in the truck. I
got to go to the bathroom.
Okie-doke.
Happy hunting! I
got to talk to you.
What?
You were supposed
to come with us.
What the fuck's going on?
Relax, will you? Just
get him in the duck blind.
Blast a couple of ducks
and then you yell, "look out!
There's a bear!
Run for your life!"
Then you blast him.
There are no bears
in a duck blind.
It doesn't matter if
there are bears or not!
Just yell, "there's a bear!"
It'll all be over
before he knows it.
I want the other
half of my money
before people find out
we're not burying fielding.
There's no chance of that.
I have all the documents
I need to prove
that he is Abe fielding.
You don't have
to worry about it.
Come on!
This is a nice
jacket he gave me.
It must've cost
him a pretty penny.
You got to put the collar
up. You got to be cool.
How do you mean?
Eddie: Oh, classy. I like that.
- Cool?
- George: Cool.
Cool, man. Like you?
I look like Eddie.
Heh, very nice. Ducks!
Eddie: Not now.
Take it easy.
Easy.
Now. Keep flying! Go home!
There's people
down here with guns!
Get out of here!
Go back to your families!
Get out! Get out! Get out!
Why'd you do that?
To keep an innocent
creature from being killed.
To save you from a lifetime
of heartache and guilt.
They're just ducks!
They're not just ducks!
They're alive! They're
like you and me!
They're not like you and me.
They fly around and
they shit on people.
George: Be kind
to your web-footed friends
cause a duck could be...
Could you freeze on the
"web-footed friends" shit?
Sorry, I couldn't help think
about those poor ducks.
What was that? What was what?
I heard something. What?
Bird? It was a bear!
A bear!
Where? I'm going to get it.
George: Do you see it?
Eddie: No, but it's a bear.
Where is it now?
It's a brown bear.
A big brown bear?
Eddie. You were right.
I see it.
You put one of these.
George: Oh, my god.
He's huge!
He's a great giant bear!
Oh!
Don't worry, Eddie.
Don't worry.
Sit.
Sit, baby.
Eddie: He's going
to rip off your dick!
Hello there.
Say, you're a big
fellow, aren't you?
If you understand
what I'm saying
raise your left hand.
Good. Now both
of them. Very good!
What the fuck are you doing?
We want to express love for you.
Eddie and I come in peace.
Well, I see what you mean.
You make a good point.
Yes.
We saw your friends
mounted on the wall
at the lodge we just came from.
Tell you the truth Eddie
and I found it disgusting.
Didn't we?
Eddie: Get the
fuck out of the way!
I'm going to shoot it!
No, Eddie, don't shoot.
Don't shoot!
Well, kids,
it's time to ring
down the curtain
on this little production
of ours, huh?
I think we made
a hit, don't you?
Leticia, I prophesy a big
career for you. I mean that.
The memorial service will
be in the fielding chapel
which is just
adjoining the brewery.
Heh, brewery!
I will be expecting the
three of you to attend.
Just think of it
as a curtain call.
So you're saying
that we're burying him
as fielding, even
though he wasn't fielding.
Rupert: Yes,
I feel it's the least we can do.
You know, the poor guy
had no family, no friends.
It's a terrible tragedy,
but accidents happen.
Don't they, Eddie?
It was an accident.
Of course it was.
No one is saying it
wasn't. Nobody blames you.
How do we play this?
Like we knew him as Abe?
Of course, Jerome. That's
the whole point, isn't it?
Play it sad, but not morose.
Upset, but, please,
no tears, huh?
Poor guy. I feel awful.
Well, you use that, Eleanor.
Save it for later and use it.
That's called "method acting."
Look, everybody, I just
want to express my gratitude
to a very talented
ensemble of thespians.
Bravo! Bravissimo!
Oh, for Pete's sake! If
we knew you were Abe
we might have been
able to help you!
George.
Now, that is a beautiful suit.
And that tie matches perfectly.
But you need a handkerchief.
Can I get a handkerchief?
Enough is enough!
Sit down in the pew,
shut up and be good.
I always said you
were full of shit.
We hardly knew you.
We knew your dad, though.
Many of us remember
putting to rest
rather, preserving the great
man right here, not so long ago.
And now father and son
can freeze in peace together.
Um, Abe's best friend,
Mr. Eddie dash, is here.
Uh, he's going to
say a few words.
Eddie, come and say a few words.
Gloria: Uh, Mr. Dibbs? What?
There's an extremely
urgent phone call for you.
Urgent? Yes.
Hey, hands off!
Abe was a nice man.
Yes, he was. Good man, Abe.
Uh, he, um, he liked basil.
He loved basil.
He used to say basil was a
herb whose time had come.
Unfortunately, Abe,
it was you whose time had come.
We used to smoke basil together.
And you know, we'd
get a natural high.
Smoked a lot too.
And he loved to yodel.
Yodeling and magic,
that was his thing.
He always said if he
could combine the two
he would yodel from his
grave. I know that's impossible.
Ah.
It's a miracle!
Hi, everybody.
I'm very touched that
you all came to my funeral.
I know this must be a...
Honey! Honey.
What happened?
What's the matter, sweetheart?
What the hell is going on?
You tell me. Did we
rehearse this scene?
No. No.
Oh. What are you doing, huh?
Have you completely
lost your tiny mind?
You forget, we're
playing my game now.
Oh, really? I've got
news for you, pal.
I'm the one holding
all the cards.
I can prove you're a murderer.
I've got the whole
ugly business on tape.
Au contraire. There
was no murder.
But there was a conspiracy to
murder, which I have on tape.
George: Honey.
Honey, can you hear me?
Everything's
going to be all right.
Eddie said that shot you.
That was part of the plan.
He was supposed to tell you.
We worked it out on
the way to the lodge.
This is our first meeting,
our second meeting.
Here's something for
you. Johnny Mathis.
To help you make
it through the night.
And this file
proves that my
man is Abe fielding.
Your man is dead!
Wrong again, dibbsy.
What does that mean?
What does "bogazine" mean?
We got to get out of here!
But I saw him
lying in the morgue!
Eddie's got connections.
The morgue attendant
owed him a favor. Right?
That's right.
Hello, everybody.
I know you must be confused
about what's going on.
The important thing is
that I'm back at the brewery
and you're all in for
a five-percent raise.
Don't listen. He's full of shit!
All: Oh!
You all right? Get me up!
Rupert: Get me up right now!
You can't say we didn't try.
Cut him loose.
That man is an impostor!
Cut me out of this!
He's not Abe fielding.
I knew Abe fielding.
Abe fielding was
a friend of mine.
And this man is
not Abe fielding.
But, Mr. Dibbs, you
just eulogized him.
You said: "Abe, we
hardly knew you..."
Shut up. Sit down.
You! You!
Did you or did you not treat
this man in your lunatic asylum?
Sanitarium! You told
us he was Abe fielding.
Right, but he's not!
I challenge anyone to
say that he's Abe fielding.
He's Abe fielding! I've
been his bookie for years.
Shut up!
He's one of our best friends.
Isn't that right, honey?
Not now, you idiot! Wait.
I don't remember this scene.
Ladies and gentlemen, these
people are merely actors.
Merely actors?
And not very good ones at that.
They're playing roles.
They're being paid.
Point of order!
Help.
Ronald Reagan
was merely an actor!
All right. Fine!
Are you the equity deputy?
Um, I don't know what to say.
I feel like such a
fool. I'm sorry. I am.
I lost, you won.
Come on!
Let's Bury the hatchet over
a Stein of fielding in
my... your office, huh?
No, I don't... don't
be a spoilsport!
We don't have time. Abe
or George, whatever...
Listen, George...
Run! Run!
He's going to kill him!
Bring the casket
down here quick!
Come on, this way!
Onward!
This is my brewery.
I earned it! You
wanted to be in beer?
Welcome to the beer business.
Dibbsy, I won't tell the police
you tried to kill me!
The name is Mr. Dibbs!
Help! Help!
Eddie, I'm down here!
Oh, god!
Ahh! Shh.
Get the valve! George?
Will somebody please
tell me what's going on?
Boy, that was good beer!
Oh, honey!
Ow.
Where's dibbsy?
Eddie: Guard!
Get him out.
He's not fielding.
He's a liar. The man's a liar.
If you lie about this
you'll be lying for
the rest of your life!
Liar! Liar! Liar!
Liar! Liar!
Honey,
if I don't tell the
truth right now,
will you ever believe me again?
I love you, George.
George.
Walk like a man, George.
Eddie: Don't do anything stupid!
We're pissing in tall cotton.
Sorry, everybody.
I want to tell you something.
Mr. Dibbs was telling
the truth a little while ago.
I am a pathological liar.
I spent the last three years
of my life in a sanitarium.
Shit, I'm broke.
I'm a Volvo dealer, and my
name happens to be George.
This fielding's a beaut.
George. Get used to George.
George Washington,
as a matter of fact.
Eddie: Hey, everybody!
Take the rest of the day off.
And forget about
that five-percent raise
when you come back.
It'll be a ten-percent raise.
Stop fucking
around! Okay, smile.
A little more. Great!
Can I have that card?
Thank you. And I
need your lipstick.
I don't want to take a
picture with no lipstick!
You'll like this one. I
don't want no lipstick.
They'll put me in a magazine.
They'll take pictures.
Hey, what are you doing?
I don't like to be touched!
Just keep your hands off!
What's wrong with you?
Don't ever call my friend
a shithead again, okay?
Steady. Wait, whoa!
Fucking wings! What's going on?
Fucking white horse!
Man 2: It's not bad, dude.
Don't give up your day job.
Is he milli or vanilli?
You are a genius.
Eddie: Hey, Andy.
Andy: Yo, Eddie!
Eddie: Drinks on the house!
Whoa!
Hey, baby!
Hollywood.
Hold it!
Hold it!
Thank you. Eddie: No problem.
Wow, I'm in love.
You're a fox, baby.
Not just a fox, but
the fox of foxes!
Heh, if I was a hound dog,
you wouldn't stand a chance.
I'd be snapping at
you day and night.
I'm a snapper.
Woman: Edward dash?
That's me. Woman: Take a seat.
Well, Mr. Dash,
for your probation, you owe us
100 hours of community service.
Let's see what we've got.
Oh, here is unique opportunity.
The la housing facility needs
some help with breekyln.
No laying bricks
or stuff like that.
I don't do that lifting shit.
Graffiti removal?
You heard what I said?
Does that preclude you from
doing anything strenuous?
Yes, it precludes me.
We do have a few
less strenuous activities.
But, uh, they involve
helping the disadvantaged
and there are
certain requirements.
I can have a degree here
in 24 hours. From Harvard!
A degree isn't necessary.
It's a matter of
Patience and kindness.
What they're looking
for is a "people person.
that's me.
Are you telling me you
are a "people person?
That's what I'm telling you.
Woman: How about
spending some time
with a voluntary patient
from the rivington clinic?
No lifting?
The rivington is a sanitarium.
Your job would be to
accompany the individual
to various therapeutic
and cultural pursuits.
I guess that means taking a
patient to the ballet or museum.
Museum? I know a
great one of those.
I can handle this.
Teddy: George, you've been ready
for months to go
back into the world.
But you have to feel ready.
Do you feel ready, George?
I don't know.
He's not ready.
Brad: You're scared, aren't you?
You're scared a girl will
ask to see your Mickey.
That's enough,
Brad. Let him talk.
Phil: No, no, that's not it.
He's just scared of lying.
Isn't that right, pinoc?
And then his nose
starts growing.
I hate when that happens, heh.
Are you afraid, uh, you might
start to lie again, George?
Brad: What's a pathological liar
going to say? "Now
I'm going to lie"?
Yesterday, you
couldn't wait to go.
Do you remember?
You said, "I'm
a-ready, Teddy-o!"
What did you say yesterday?
I'm a-ready, Teddy-o.
George: Hit the deck! Incoming!
Teddy: Why are
you afraid, George?
Why can't I just stay here?
Why do I have to
go? I like it here.
I feel safe here. American 357.
George: Why can't I stay?
Definitely U.S. air.
Excellent airline.
Flight 202 from Baltimore.
There's a nice young
man coming here,
uh, to take you, uh, to find
you an apartment and a job.
You're looking forward
to that, aren't you?
He's afraid he'll
see his girlfriend
and won't be able to get it up.
George: No, I'm not.
Teddy: Is that it, George?
Anyway, she dumped me.
She dumped you because you said
you were a brain surgeon!
I did not say that.
What'd you tell her?
A commando in the Navy seals.
Uh-oh.
Why do you feel you
always had to lie to her?
She wouldn't have
looked at me twice
if I said I was a
Volvo salesman.
Excuse me, sir. I
hate to bother you.
I know you're busy
with the therapy.
I need to clear something up.
You're not the
governor of California?
Did you fellows know he's been
lying? I have egg on my face.
Hello?
Can you help me
find nurse Fletcher?
Man: The dailies were great.
I don't understand.
They said the
dailies were great.
I don't understand.
Your brother?
This would be a marvelous time
to extract the
present for George.
Very well, Mr. Spock.
Gentlemen, set
your phasers on stun.
George, on behalf
of my entire crew,
Spock, bones, Scotty,
we'd like to present
you with a gift.
Something we
picked up on rigel iv.
It's our way of saying good
luck out there in the world.
Show them what you're made
of. Live long and prosper.
Go where no man has gone before!
Phil, will you shut
up! I think he gets it.
I was simply saying.
I'm very touched.
I must say, I didn't expect...
A hat. An honest Abe hat.
It's to house your Mickey
after a busy day of lying.
I know it's insulting to you.
But the fellows did craft it.
I'm not insulted
by this. Far from it.
I'm going to wear this hat.
I've earned it.
I'll treasure it.
I'm not afraid anymore, Teddy.
I'm ready for my new life.
Then say it, George!
I'm a-ready, Teddy. Go!
Have you ever worked with the
mentally challenged, Mr. Dash?
Well, my sister's a loony. Ah.
What sort of work do you do?
Well, little bit this.
Little bit of that.
Oh, look! There
he is, with the hat.
Can I have your Heath bars?
Wait, uh, I got a lot of
stuff to do, you know?
Places to go, people to meet.
You needn't worry about George.
He's not a lunatic.
Come on.
That must be him.
If he starts having fits
I'll be across the street.
I don't want to be around that.
Mr. Dash, I hope you'll
be patient with George.
Teddy he looks like a nice man.
I'll say hello and
bring him here.
See you in a minute.
Eddie.
Eddie, hi.
Playing games already, Eddie?
This is Eddie, isn't it?
George, this is Eddie dash.
George: I knew it! Hello, Eddie.
Don't you kiss me no more.
I'm going to kick your ass.
He's going to kick my ass!
Funny.
I want you to meet the
guys. Don't touch me.
Come on.
He's not a lunatic?
Don't touch me! Ahh! Motherfu...
Hi, everybody. This is
Eddie, my new best friend.
Eddie, this is Teddy
and Phil and Tim.
Appreciate it, but
we got to go, you see.
My car's out front.
Come on, let's go!
Ooh, Eddie says we have to
go now. I better get going.
So long, everybody.
Goodbye, nurse.
Goodbye, George.
If you need anything, just call.
See you later. Write me!
I can't tell you how
wonderful it feels
to be out on my own again.
I'm not sorry about
my time at the clinic
because they did
me a world of good.
I don't regret any of that. I
wish I could tell you sometime.
But I mean reading
articles, seeing newspapers
watching life and the world
and everything on television...
I'm just anxious to
be a part of it again.
I understand they put
basil on everything now.
I'm very fond of basil.
Basil is an herb whose
time has truly come.
I'm not letting
you talk at all, heh.
It just occurred to me. I'm
hogging the conversation.
I don't give you a
chance to get in there.
Jabber, jabber, jabber...
I'm trying to make
a good impression.
When I want to make a good
impression, I talk and talk.
Jabber, jabber, jabber.
Eddie: Shut the fuck up!
George: Sorry.
There it is!
What? The museum!
George: Oh, this
is going to be fun.
You'll have a good day
and take care of your life.
Aren't you coming with me?
I'd love to, but I got
a church group thing.
Eddie, you can't
just leave me here.
Oh, please, I
circled the want ads.
I thought you
would help me find...
Culture. There it is!
Culture's all you
want. Right there!
I haven't been on my
own for over three years.
You're not alone.
They got everything from
Dolly Parton to the pope.
Eddie, just give me a minute
to get used to the idea, okay?
Ready?
No, I'm terrified!
Don't be terrified.
Hey, George!
Got any money?
I'm okay for money.
Give me $50 and
I'll go in with you.
Eddie: Me and you.
George: I don't like it here.
Eddie: Wait a minute.
Did they only give you $50?
No, they... hi.
How are you doing?
Eddie: George!
Damn you! You see
what you did to my friend,
you big, green fuck?
My cigar! I'm so sorry.
You killed my cigar.
Let me help you. Al:
You broke my cigar!
George: It's my fault.
I shouldn't have been running.
Abe, it's you, heh.
I'm not Abe.
What do you do, disappear,
then come back to kill me, Abe?
You're mistaking
me for someone else.
You mean, because
of the hat. I'm not Abe.
You're not Abe fielding?
What is this, a joke?
I'm not joking at all. I think
maybe you had a bad fall.
Shit!
You know, a lot of
people would say
it's rude to bet
thousands of dollars
then skip town without a trace.
George: You're making a mistake.
Al: I got some of it.
What is that? Payoff of the bet.
What bet? You won
the bet. Dallas won.
I'm not Abe. You think
Abe won a bet from you.
I'm in the clergy.
Really? What church?
George: You want to give it to
someone named Abe. I'm not Abe.
Holy shit!
That's what I thought.
You think it's me, but...
I can't take that money.
Abe!
This is my best friend, Eddie.
He'll tell you.
You want to know about Abe?
You ask me, because
Abe and I are best friends.
Heh, not Abe fielding.
Big joke on me, right?
8:00, shorefront cafe.
I'll have your money.
Eddie: Abe will be there.
He's making a terrible mistake.
He might have a concussion.
I hope he has it tonight.
I don't want to do this.
Look, the guy wants
to give you money.
No, he wants to give
Abe fielding money.
I'm doing all this for you.
What are you doing for me?
But you want me to lie,
the worst thing I could do.
What good is telling the
truth if you got nothing to say?
I have things to say.
Yeah, about basil.
I know I'm not the
most dynamic person.
My ass is more dynamic, okay?
You just be quiet. Let
me do all the talking.
That way, you ain't lying.
I'd feel more
comfortable like that.
Monsieur fielding!
How good it is to see you!
It has been too long.
It's been too long.
Since he's eaten!
I'll move some people.
You a twin or something?
How nice to see you again!
May I take your hat?
How nice!
Mr. Fielding! Long time no see.
Eddie: You can
at least say hello.
George: I don't
want to lie, Eddie.
Eddie: "Hello" is not a lie.
George: You don't want
to be around when I lie.
All hell breaks loose.
Believe me, I become
another person.
When I start to lie, even
I don't know who I am.
Monsieur fielding, how
are you this evening?
Well, if I were Mr. Fielding
I guess you could
say I was fine.
This way, sir.
May I bring the usual?
Two usuals. You know,
we're expecting a friend.
A little old fat guy,
uh, kind of ugly.
He owes us a lot of money.
I think he's at the bar.
Thank you.
Eddie, we have to get
out of here. This is crazy.
You think I'm doing this for
me? Don't make me laugh.
I'm doing it for mom.
You know, my mother.
Wish I had a
picture to show you.
She's got what they
call a heart thing.
The doctors, they
call it a bum heart.
I was going to use the money
that we get to get it fixed.
I'm sorry to hear that.
I'd like to help you.
But you know, Eddie,
I told you I mustn't lie.
Okay, forget I asked
you. Just forget it!
You can send her flowers
when she's in the hospital.
Nice note saying, "die, bitch."
Abe, how are you? I didn't
know you were bringing a friend.
I'm ai sandrow.
Not that it's any of
my business, Abe,
where's a guy like you
disappear to for 5 months?
That's kind of a long story, ai.
I'm asking Abe.
Something wrong, Abe?
He's worried about my mother.
Mama's at death's door.
Listen, shithead, nobody's
talking to you, okay?
Eddie, Eddie.
I was just trying to tell you...
Don't tell me nothing.
I'm asking Abe!
I don't like this.
It's not polite.
Maybe he can't talk
about it, but I can.
Butt out, shithead!
I'm talking to...
I don't like it when you
call my friend a shithead.
If you do it one more time,
I'll cut your fucking balls off!
Ow. George:
Which I'm very good at.
Okay? Yeah, sure, Abe.
Say "okay."
You trying to tell me
something? No, no! Okay, Abe.
I don't want to be unreasonable.
I know you came to give
us thousands of dollars...
Listen to me.
But!
Don't call my friend a
shithead again, okay?
Now you can talk!
Shithead's okay.
Do you have any idea what
this man has done for me?
Huh.
It was nothing.
Pulling me out of that
explosion was nothing?
What explosion?
In the lift at lady
tushingham's.
Look at him. Look
what it did to his brain.
Did you see that? Look at this.
Hello? Anybody home?
Don't worry, he's got a
titanium plate in there.
When I hit him in the
head, it actually feels good.
What the fuck?
Just don't call my friend
a shithead again, okay?
Okay with you, ai? Okay with al.
Maybe I had you pegged wrong,
but don't ever call him...
I'm sorry. I didn't know, uh.
So, uh, what
happened in the lift?
What's a lift?
George: What
happened in the lift?
Lady tushingham, you
mean? I'm glad you asked.
This is a wonderful story, ai.
I can't wait to tell you.
There we were, Eddie and
me, in england, mind you,
at this swellegant party...
Lords, ladies,
everything and uh...
Not far from Buckingham Palace.
And lady tushingham
walks up to me, and she says:
"I
Challenge you to pull this finger."
Mm-hm. Heh.
"I challenge you
to pull this finger."
You say it.
"I
Challenge you to pull this finger."
You're going to love this.
Yeah.
What are you going to do?
What do you figure?
What could happen, right?
So I pull her finger. Hmm.
She cuts one.
Phew!
A rocket to Mars doesn't
have this kind of thrust.
And her husband
was lighting his cigar
next to her. Kaboom.
The place went crazy!
They weren't calling
you shithead then.
Eddie: Uh, them?
They probably were.
If you want to call me shithead
and give me some money
and say, "Abe won this.
Here, shithead."
You know, I'd say
"thank you, ai."
Man: Where the
hell have you been?
Where have I been?
Where have you been?
That's the question.
Honey, Abe!
Oh, my god!
Hey, get your ass over
here. Give me a wet one!
This is Fred and Ethel mertz.
Sit down. Get a load off.
Bartender, some drinks
over here for my friends.
Were you expecting
somebody else?
We were expecting you.
He wanted to start. I said,
"we're waiting till
you guys arrive."
So, what did we hear? That
you were in South America?
El Salvador.
My god, what were
you doing there?
George: Dropping
live oxen from 30,000 feet
on the guerrilla forces.
Man: Live oxen?
Why live oxen?
Because it hurts like hell
when they land on you!
Eddie: Ah, he was
just kidding about
dropping oxen from
30,000 feet out of the plane.
George: Oh, sure.
As if you weren't
with me in the cockpit
when the missile went through.
Oh! I forgot.
It slipped my mind.
I can never tell
when you're serious.
I'm in a plane
with a dead pilot
and the cockpit
thermometer says 30,000 feet
and you think I'm making jokes?
What's the matter with him?
Is he pulling my leg?
So what happened
to lady tushingham?
Will you fuck lady tushingham?
What's the matter with you?
I'm telling you the real stuff!
Forty thousand feet. A
terrorist burst through the door
put the gun to my
head and he says...
How'd you like that, al?
Holy shit!
Do you understand
what I'm saying?
Jesus!
What was I to do? Then
they tore out their knives.
And started swearing...
We don't know
what they're saying.
And Eddie says, "talk English."
Good thing we didn't
know the language.
"You don't talk English,
we're going home."
Mr. Fielding.
That really is an amazing story.
We talked about the
money that al owed Abe.
You know what I mean?
Didn't we talk about that?
We were talking
about all the money
that maybe Abe won gambling
from this, uh, fat man.
Al: I'm not the fat man
like you're not the
shithead, okay?
I'm not trying to offend,
but I'm not a shithead.
But you're definitely
pudgy. What?
Al's a little sensitive
about his tummy.
It's been 20 years
since he had a tum...
Oh, my god!
It's ruined.
Abe, it's your wife.
My what?
Man: You're right.
It's Elaine!
Eddie, I'm married.
Congratulations.
What am I going to do?
You son of a bitch!
Hello, darling.
You are not my husband.
I think I could explain...
You are an inconsiderate child.
You are an insect.
You are a piece of dust.
How dare you humiliate me
this way in front of our friends.
I'm very disappointed
in you, Gail.
You could've told
me he was back.
I didn't even know he was gone.
Oh, like hell you didn't.
What have you got
to say for yourself?
I missed you, dear.
Come on. Where are we going?
You've got some
explaining to do.
George: The money!
You're the most beautiful
woman I've ever seen.
I can't think of a single
reason for us to stay together.
I can think of one darn good
reason. How about the kids, huh?
Is it fair to them to make them
the innocent victims of this?
What kids?
We don't have kids?
Bear with me.
I'm a little...
I had a cocktail
at the restaurant.
Elaine: You are really
starting to drive me crazy.
George: Honestly,
I think you've made
an awfully big mistake.
Elaine: The big
mistake was marrying you.
George: I mean a mistake
that you think I'm someone else
than who I really am.
Elaine: What you
are is a lying bastard.
Get your hand off my knee.
George: I don't think
I lie that much anymore.
I lied a bit tonight,
but I was under
a lot of pressure.
Considering that this
was my first night out.
Otherwise, I think I've made
a lot of progress. I really do.
Just what did you
catch this time?
I didn't catch anything.
You went fishing for 5 months
and you didn't catch anything?
I guess I used the wrong bait.
Elaine: Used the wrong bait?
Will you please not
insult my intelligence?
I happen to know you
were with Angela Davenport
the entire time.
Will you close the door, please?
And don't deny it.
Don't even try,
because I got it right
from the horse's mouth.
You mean Angela told you?
No, Angela's husband told me.
Oh, gee.
What on earth have you got
in that foolish-looking
little bag?
My raincoat and rubbers.
He also told me
when he found you
he would cut you up into
infinitesimally small pieces.
Too bad he was bluffing.
George: I've been murdered.
Oh, my god.
George: Oh, little doggie.
Cute little doggie.
Oh. Oh. Nice doggie.
Yes, sit.
Be a good boy.
Nice doggie.
Sit! Be a good doggie.
Elaine.
I think something terrible
may have happened.
What? Hmm, uh.
What?
I have to... I have to...
What?
I have to... I have to...
What?
I have to... I have to...
What?
I'm honor breast, to
tell you the tittie hooth.
Angela didn't forewarn
you about her implants,
did she?
Honest truth.
Did you find out in bed?
Or did they rattle
when you danced?
It's very difficult for me
to be honest with you
at a time like this.
Give it a whirl, Abe.
Well, I like... I want to...
Want to say something to me?
Yes. I want to be
completely honest
and get this off your chest. I
mean, get this on your breast.
I mean, my breast.
Uh, get this off my chest.
Well, give it a try.
Give it your best shot.
The truth, Abe, let's hear it.
Ah, Elaine, I am
not your husband.
I am a Volvo salesman.
You are really beginning to
fray the edges of my Patience.
George: I've never
been to yosemite.
Oh, man.
Hey, I'm landing in
tall cotton. Hey, baby!
Holy shit, this is great!
They don't have this much
acreage in the projects.
Oh, man! Are you kidding me?
Holy shit! Huh? Kiss my ass!
Coochie-coochie?
Come here, little puppy.
Come here. Suck your dick?
Oh, ho!
Is this 1145 stone ranch?
Got some candy for you.
Goddamn it, you bit my...
Nice baby. Good fellow.
Hey, Abe!
Jesus. Abe!
Holy shit! Eh?
Abe!
How you doing, Abe?
What, you eating breakfast?
Hey, another chair?
Hey, this yours?
You don't need this.
Oh, Abe!
Eddie: Yo!
I knew you'd find me.
Don't touch me, Abe.
Just a little, let
me hold your hand.
Hey, don't touch me!
How did you find me?
You're in the phone
book under Abe fielding.
That was smart! Hey!
Can I call you Abe? You
know my name is George.
George, right. Your
name is George.
Yo, Abe. I mean, George.
How many acres
we got here? None.
Eddie: None? It looks
like more than that to me.
George: That's because you
think I'm Abe fielding, but I'm not.
I don't even know Abe fielding.
But I think he was
cut up into pieces
by somebody's jealous husband.
What the hell you talking about?
You don't believe me.
I'm not Abe fielding.
Hey, you're at the pearly
gates. Don't choose hell.
What will you say?
That I don't have
a place to stay
and I'm staying
with you for a while.
Maybe you'll ask her for me.
Hello, dear. Mrs. Honeybun.
Yes? Um, Eddie wants to know
if he can live
with us for a while.
You know, just
for a little while.
Till my mom gets better.
Couple years, tops.
No.
No? What do you mean, no?
Come on, peaches.
Peaches?
Abe has something to say.
Just hear him out.
All right. What is it?
Uh, Elaine, Eddie isn't
who you think he is.
Who is he?
Did you ever hear
of a prizefighter
by the name of Joe Frazier?
You mean the
"thriller from Manila"?
That's it. The
thriller from Manila!
Whoa!
Right after that fight
with Ali in the Philippines,
Joe Frazier got malaria.
And he lost a lot
of weight. Whoa!
I mean, a lot of weight.
He even shrunk a little bit.
And, um, even after
they got it under control
he thought if anyone
ever saw him like that
his career as a
prizefighter would be over.
George: No one would ever
give him a shot at the title.
He decided he'd better change
his name and his identity
till he could sort of work
his way back into shape.
It's been a rough road
back, right, champ?
Hey, I'm not complaining.
I just want another
crack at the title.
Save them. Save them, pal.
I'll help you, Joe.
I mean, Eddie.
Sorry, champ. I
won't slip again.
You know, uh, Elaine,
he's the best friend I got.
He just needs a
place where he can...
Lick his wounds for a while,
uh, and put about maybe
50, 60 pounds back on.
That is an amazing story.
I was very rude to
you a minute ago.
I'm awfully sorry.
I want you to stay.
Really. Please do.
I feel so exposed.
Please, uh, let me see
if! Can get the, uh,
guest bedroom made up.
I'll be right back.
Oh, shit, man!
Ahem, before I met you
the term "bullshit artist"
was an empty phrase.
But working with you
has made me a better liar.
You're just describing
everything I don't want to be.
This is a rolex. This is money.
Full of rings! My god!
What are you doing in here?
You said you were taking a walk.
I was looking all over for you.
I was looking around
in some of fielding's stuff.
I was doing a little research,
you know what I
mean? Like, this pipe.
You put this pipe in your mouth
and you'll feel like fielding.
And a dash of his Cologne.
Mm, put on some of this.
Smell like Abe.
Before you do the thing.
Before I do what thing?
Hey, the woman hasn't
seen you in five months.
She's expecting something.
You got to give her
what she expects.
A little padumph, padumph.
Eddie.
I can't do "padumph."
Uh, uh, that would be
under false pretenses.
What false pretenses?
She thinks you're her husband.
She'll turn the TV on.
What are you
going to say to her?
Well, I'll say,
"oh, gosh, Elaine.
You look lovely
tonight. Hold it.
That's what boy
scouts say on a trip,
trying to sell cookies.
I'm not going to be crude.
Nobody's talking crude.
I'm talking you be
suave, debonair.
You got to be Cary Grant.
Cary Grant?
What, Cary Grant, on a date,
he wants to do his thing
and he says to her...
No, no. I hope not.
No! Cary Grant's
smooth, debonair.
He says something
like, "Judy, Judy, Judy,
you want to padumph, padumph?"
That's what he would say?
Hey, either that or,
"you want to fuck?"
Oh, no, heh!
This is your
night. I can't do it.
Let's see.
I'm nervous.
This woman has a thing for you.
I saw it in her eyes.
Put some of this
on. There you go.
Not bad, is it? Mm.
Look. You go in there
and you think "Cary Grant."
Uh-huh.
Come on. Judy, Judy.
Man couldn't get laid
in a woman's prison
with a pound of pot.
All right, girls. Now,
this is your last chance.
If one piece of
candy gets past you
and into the packing room
unwrapped, you're fired!
Let her roll!
What are you doing?
Judy, Judy.
Could I interest you in a
little padumph, padumph?
Uh, who are you talking to?
You.
I want to know if you'd like
to have a little padumph.
Oh, gosh, Elaine,
do you know how long it's
been since I've done the thing?
Are you for real?
You...
Elaine: Who could that be?
Look, Abe, there's a car
coming up the driveway.
I don't know who else but you'd
come barreling up at this hour.
My god. It must be Abe.
Oh! Will you please
not do that anymore?
I'm sorry. I mean it must be me.
Would you go see who it
is? I'll be down in a minute.
Oh. Oh, hi!
Hey, there's someone
at the front door.
I'd like you to come with me.
Oh!
What's this stuff?
This is stuff that I'm
taking to get cleaned.
Oh, yeah. Looks pretty dirty.
I'd like you to
answer it. Would you?
Hey, you're the maestro.
Well, if it ain't
Mr. "finger on the bell."
How dare you! Open
this door. Open it!
Just who the hell are you?
I demand to know, and I
mean now, mister. Right now!
Who the hell are you?
Man 1: Elaine, you all right?
Hey, I'm Abe fielding's
best friend, asshole.
You think you can come in
and talk to me like I'm shit?
Oh, please,
you wouldn't know Abe
fielding if you were talking to him.
Wait a minute. You Abe
fielding? No, I'm not. Elaine!
My name is Rupert dibbs. I
run Abe fielding's business.
Dibbsy! Abe? Abe!
You old duffer! How's the boy?
My god, you're back!
Long time no see, pal.
I bet you thought that
was fielding for a while.
Eddie: It's kind
of dark in here.
You know how I knew
it wasn't Abe fielding?
Because I'm Abe fielding!
Oh!
George: Remember?
Eddie: How you
doing, you old duffer?
Fine! Hey, dibbsy.
Give me a wet one. Awhat?
Ah, come on, come on!
Have you lost your
mind? Look at that tie.
Not even a phone
call in five months.
Rupert: I'm not saying
you didn't deserve...
Everybody deserves a vacation.
No lectures, no lectures.
But how am I supposed
to run a business...
Brandy still your drink?
Ahem, I don't drink.
Still can't get him to drink.
This is my best friend, Eddie.
Elaine! No, Eddie.
Rupert. What are you doing here?
Rupert: Um, I have some
papers that need power of attorney.
But you can sign them.
I just need your signature.
You want my
"fielding"? Heh, sure.
You bet! I want it right there,
and there.
How are you fixed for cash?
Wow! We're a little short.
We? We got some things
to do downtown.
Uh-huh, I understand.
There you go. I think that
should take care of it, heh.
Uh, Abe, why don't you tell him
about the credit cards you lost?
Uh-huh, well...
I don't know what
I did with them.
This should take care of that.
Look at that!
Dibbsy to the rescue.
Just like the old days, huh?
George: What a guy!
Rupert: Looking in the pink.
That's my color, pal.
Heh, you back for a while?
You better ask the
little lady about that.
Elaine: Going to be
sticking around for a while.
Credit cards. Money!
Pussy!
You bet your boots.
Elaine, you look great.
I'll see you soon, Abe.
Welcome home.
Nice to see you again.
Uh, mister,
it was a pleasure. Maybe
I'll see you again, huh.
Hey, you can bank on it.
Abe. Hmm?
Ahem, who is that bum?
Why don't you get rid of him?
You know, dibbsy, you're
my business manager
and I respect you for that
but don't ever call my
friend a shithead again!
I said no such thi...
Okay? Hmm.
Hmm? Good.
Okay, good night. See you soon.
Eddie: Hey, dibbsy!
Ready to turn in,
sweetheart? That was so rude!
What do you mean?
Elaine: Heh, I can't believe
you'd talk to Rupert that way.
After everything
he's done for you!
I didn't mean to be rude.
I was just... stop.
Don't try and explain.
I'm going to bed alone.
Eddie, hey?
Elaine: What?
Can I sayjust one
thing to you? What?
Goodbye forever, dear.
Where are you going? I
can't stay in this house.
I mustn't be here
alone with you.
What's the problem?
Eddie's coming back.
Look at me! I can't.
If I do, I'm a goner.
I'll never leave.
You remind me of a
girl I was in love with.
I thought I was in
love till I met you.
I got her to love me
by lying, and I must not!
I mustn't do that again!
Look at me!
Are you leaving me?
I'm not Abe!
I'm not married
to you! I'm George!
I'm a Volvo salesman
for Horst Mueller!
Elaine: Look at me!
Oh, taxi! Wait, wait.
Just give me a kiss goodbye.
A kiss? One little kiss.
Oh!
Taxi! Oh, taxi!
Abe!
George, if what you say is
true, I find that admirable.
You were honest with her.
You left the woman you
loved rather than lie to her.
How do you feel?
Who took my red?
I'm asking you...
I'll answer you, but
who took my red?
Hey! Hey!
I can't believe I had the red
at the exact moment
that you wanted it.
I should be stripped naked
and have scalding soup
ladled over my
genitals by Dolly Parton.
Philip, put a clam
on it, will you?
Sorry.
George,
how does it feel to
be an honest person?
Where's my green?
Man 2: Did you pump up your, uh,
Mickey before you
showed it to her?
Who has the green?
Sometimes a patient's first day,
uh, away from the
clinic can be stressful.
Man 3: Is it, uh, possible
there was no Mrs. Fielding?
Wait a minute!
Maybe he is Abe fielding,
and he was lying
to us about that too.
Man 4: What do you think? Huh?
Just a theory.
Poor Mrs. Fielding...
I bet she's crying her eyes out.
That's enough. Stop it!
I'm not saying
that you don't have
some limited acting ability.
Limited acting ability?
Listen, bud, these
are real tears here.
When I hired you,
you told me you were
a professional actress.
I am! Sort of.
All right, I'm
basically a vocalist,
but I am studying acting.
I'm told by my teacher
that I'm remarkably
naturalistic.
That's not quite
what you told me two
Abe Fieldings ago, is it?
Excuse me, they both believed
I was Mrs. Abe fielding.
And let me also add this.
I think that my accent
was impeccable.
Despite your impeccable
accent, they both chose to leave.
That's not my fault.
You can't take any nut and
convince him he's Abe fielding.
That was not the job!
I don't care if they think
they are Abe fielding.
The job was simply
to entice him. Hmm?
To make them want
to be Abe fielding.
But they're running
from you like the plague.
I will not be handled.
I told you that
when I took the job.
And if that's changed, I
don't want the job anyway.
Well, that is just fine!
Oh, um, give my regards
to the unemployment office,
miss Mimi kravitz,
"professional actress," heh.
You'll be spending
a lot of time there.
You've got an unerring
instinct for the jugular.
I'd like that last
fielding back.
Uh-huh, the liar.
The liar is perfect.
No, not him.
Come on, I felt kind
of sorry for that guy.
Heh, why on earth would
you feel sorry for him?
Nothing bad will happen to him.
Would you like a cappuccino?
All right. But not
that poor chump.
I think he was a
little soft on me.
Oh, why wouldn't
he be soft on you?
You're a beautiful girl.
Sit down.
Ah, here.
What say you take another
crack at that role? Huh?
He won't come back
without his friend.
Oh! Don't worry about him.
His friend is mine
for bail money.
He's in jail?
I had him arrested.
The schmuck stole
Abe's credit cards.
Bail money?
You want me to work your
rinky-dink scam for bail money?
Shh! Uh, no one is trying
to get you to run anything.
I just want you to bring your
friend back for one week.
Unless you want to stay in here,
I suggest you do as I ask.
Tell me, is this
a sink or a toilet?
Stick your head in and find out.
Let me explain something.
I don't work with amateurs.
Like singers and actors.
There's only one
singer involved,
and that's Mimi kravitz.
The rest of these people
happen to be damn fine actors.
I cast them myself.
That's, uh,
Jerome handy as,
um, "ai the bookie."
Did you see his man of
la mancha last season
at the Pasadena playhouse?
I'm afraid I missed that.
It was super.
You've never run a professional
scam in your life, have you?
No, of course not. I'm a
legitimate businessman.
I run Abe's business.
I thought so.
A professional would
never use amateurs.
They crack out of turn.
I don't know what that means.
It means that I'm a
professional con man.
This is what I do for a living.
What you got here is
not a professional con.
What I got here is $10,000.
And it's for you
if you just bring your
friend back for one week.
You have to tell me more.
I will, in due time... ah!
Excuse me!
Oh, please!
Just take five grand now
as a down payment, okay?
I don't usually
work with amateurs.
But you've caught
me at the right time.
Wish me luck! Wait a minute.
What? Nothing.
I've just got to pave
the way for you.
What do you mean? I
talked to a psychiatrist.
You've got to take
it slow and easy
with this "George" shit.
She still thinks you're Abe.
All right? She's in denial.
She's got what they call,
medically speaking, a bum head.
Oh, dear!
After I talk to her,
you can come up
and do your stuff, okay?
Don't be long.
Eh, am I interrupting?
It's the "thriller from Manila!"
That's me. Woof, woof!
Fourteen rounds, you know.
I was scared to go 15.
Oh, yeah.
Did dibbs tell you I'm in?
Yes, he told me.
Uh, zeppo, could you
leave us for a minute?
Yeah, I'll take over from here.
Heh, what do you want?
To tell you I think the
guy's in love with you.
He's downstairs.
Eddie. Eddie.
Eddie. Eddie. Eddie.
Hey, Duane, give
the man a break!
Come on.
I'll let you hump my leg.
Come on, baby.
Hey, it's all right. You
can come out now.
Good boy!
Hello. Guess who's here?
Oh, honey!
I'm hom e!
And I'm ready for love!
Oh, boy!
Honey, it's me. Eddie, hi.
Remember me from in the
car downstairs a little while ago?
Ha, ha, I made a joke, Eddie.
Am I interrupting something?
No, we're just talking
and... never mind.
You two keep
talking. Get together.
See you later.
You're damn right.
So, long time no see.
What are you doing here?
I brought you some
candy and some flowers
and to tell you that you
and I had something.
I saw it in your eyes,
and Eddie saw it too.
Don't deny it.
What are you saying?
That you'd like to stay?
George: Would I like
to stay here with you?
Are you kidding?
Whoa! Hey!
Huh! If I could stay
here with you, I'd climb...
I would swim...
I would make myself into a...
I would stay forever
if you'd let me.
Uh, let's just see if we
can get along, okay, doll?
For a week or so.
Oh, I want much more than that.
I want to know all about you.
I'd like you to know
all about me too.
We mightjust find out
we have a lot in common.
What could we have in common?
I love basil. You like basil?
It doesn't sweep me off my feet.
My favorite color's brown.
I get reader's
digest. I love yodeling.
My favorite food
is wiener schnitzel.
Do you like wiener
schnitzel? You do!
I hit a bone! I hit a nerve!
I hit something. I can
see it in your eyes.
I'm going to win you over.
I'm going to romance you.
I'll wine you and I'll dine you.
One day, you're
going to feel about me
the way I feel about you.
Wow!
Eddie: You look really familiar.
How you doing, legs?
The name is Gloria not "legs."
You!
I've been dreaming about
you. Why are you here?
I'm here to see dibbs.
I got an important appointment.
Yeah, right.
Uh, this report... Eddie.
Dibbsy. How's the boy?
I'm glad you could
make it. This can wait.
Ever been to a brewery before?
How about a little
tour? That'd be great.
Listen, you busy Saturday night?
Uh, maybe, maybe not.
Heh, that's nice. I like that.
I'll see you
Saturday night, okay?
You paying?
That's cute.
Fine thing, heh.
Rupert: When
Abe fielding, sr., died,
everyone assumed
I'd inherit the brewery.
It turns out he has a son.
Eddie: Can we talk about Gloria?
Rupert: Later.
So as I was saying,
we finally track
down this Abe Jr.
10 minutes after
an ugly accident
during a dance of death.
The guy had gone off to Tibet.
Eddie: Could we
talk about Gloria?
Rupert: Do you mind? Eddie: Oh!
Rupert: Anyway, the only way
to keep the estate out of probate
was to convince
someone to be Abe Jr.
We found George in the
loony bin. A liar. Get it?
We doctored up a photo,
hired a couple of
actors, and here we are.
Eddie: Does she
always look that good?
Eddie: Sorry, I
think I'll find out
for myself Saturday night.
Maybe we could go
and do a little padumph.
Padumph? Yeah.
Um, I've done that before.
I think you'll enjoy it.
See that guy over there?
Man 5: He's one of
the best sax players
I've ever heard.
What's his name?
Eddie dash, right?
Yeah, amazing.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we have someone
very special here tonight.
One of the greatest
sax players around.
The one and only,
Mr. Eddie dash!
Yeah, oh, no!
Come on, man.
Eddie: Oh, god, no!
Huh? Oh!
Just go. Just go?
Uh, wait!
What will it be?
Uh, it really doesn't matter.
The guy's a pro.
Woman: Aw! Whoo!
Uh, it's interpretation.
Everybody!
Oh, my god.
Elaine: You know
a lot of people here.
George: I used to
come here all the time.
This is us, honey.
This is your table.
Would you excuse
me for a minute?
Yes.
Here's the music.
Good evening, honey.
Um, you know,
as we look towards the east
and see a united deutschland
it behooves us to stop and think
about what walls can do.
Walls between nations.
Walls between peoples.
Walls between
you and me, Elaine.
But if that darned wall in
Berlin town can come down
then maybe it's not
too much to expect
the wall between
us to come down too.
Who knows?
Maybe it just takes a dance.
Or a glance.
Or a chance
to sing a song.
I call this "yodelaine."
Man: Get off the stage!
J' yo-del j
j' Elaine j'
j my heart's aflame j
j yodelaine j
j I'm not insane j
j yodelaine j
J yodelaine j
I you screwed my brain j'
J' my Elaine j'
j' I love you I
Oh, my god!
It's Mimi kravitz!
Heh, don't tell
anybody about this.
J I'm in the mood for love j
damn!
Hey, what are you
doing up there?
Heh.
I know you're in
the swing of things
but we got business
to take care of.
What business?
We got to check him into
the dentist as Abe fielding.
Why?
Dibbs wants to see
his dental charts.
Bye-bye.
Dentist: Mr. Fielding?
Are you still
feeling the effects?
Nurse: Can you say something,
Mr. Fielding?
Don't call my friend a shithead.
Of course he has.
Well, okay.
Now, Mr. Fielding,
you just have one cavity.
So all you will hear is
the sound of the drill.
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tragic. Hmm.
Were there any survivors?
No one. The thing blew up!
Ah, how awful.
Says here that the bodies
were charred beyond recognition.
Oh, my god!
At least they'll know
who they're burying.
How? How will they know?
From the dental records.
They'll check the
dental records.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
George? George? Abe?
Abe fielding. What
cubicle is he in?
Who? You don't know him?
It's not what you think.
Then why does dibbs
want the dental charts?
I'll make a deal with George.
He'll hang out till
the end of the week
and then I get my money.
George, honey?
Abe?
But getting killed was
not part of the deal.
Dibbs would never kill
anyone. It's not in him.
Nurse: Excuse me.
Sweetheart, we're
getting out of here.
We got to go.
Dibbs wants you dead, all right?
Get this. Listen carefully.
He wants you dead
so he can Bury you as
fielding and inherit the company.
Dentist: Excuse me.
This is a dental office.
You must all leave! No, no.
No, she leaves,
I leave, he stays.
No, no. I leave,
you leave, he leaves.
No, he must stay!
He has a cavity.
You leave! What about him?
Show us the cavity.
Nurse: I have no idea.
Oh, you got a
rise, Mr. Fielding!
Ride 'em, cowboy!
Of all the gall!
Did I ever say that anything
bad was going to happen to him?
You never said it to me.
He never said it to me.
Why did we take him to all
those doctors and dentists?
Wait a minute.
It was to establish that
he was Abe fielding, right?
Yes, that is right.
And that is because
there are certain financial
transactions I can't make
unless Abe fielding
is alive. He's right.
Rupert: I want to
tell you something.
Quite frankly, I expected
more support out of
you, more gratitude.
For the money I'm paying, I
could've hired a real actress.
Oh, that's it.
That's the button.
You pushed it. I'm
out of here! Sayonara!
I'm going back to my
old job. What's that?
Yodeling in a
hillbilly nightclub?
Just what does that pay?
The man is just
trying to reassure you.
Rupert: By the way,
what business is it of
yours what happens to him?
I'm making it my business, okay?
Oh, have we fallen in
love with the lunatic, hmm?
Oh, no, hey, the lady's
not in love with him.
She don't want to get
involved in a murder rap thing.
Murder.
Wait for me in the car.
You got his guarantee that
there ain't going to be no hit.
There better not be.
Actresses, you know.
Can't live with them
and can't kill them.
Everything's okay, right?
I mean, it looks cool to me.
Well, not quite.
Sit down.
There's one more
thing I need you to do.
Yeah, what?
I need you to
dispose of the lunatic.
Ice George?
I need Abe fielding
dead and buried.
Ice George.
Rupert: Now,
please. Don't tell me that
you're, uh, above
this sort of thing, huh.
I never iced anyone in my life.
I'm a con man, not a hit man.
Rupert: I think you have
two qualities that are...
Don't touch me. Rupert: Okay.
First, you love money.
And second,
you have absolutely
no moral character, huh?
What do you say?
How much money we
talking? Name your price.
Look, Eddie.
Write down any figure you
consider, uh, reasonable.
I'll pay you that
amount in cash.
Go on, knock yourself out.
Eddie: Come on, we
got to go. We're late.
I want to kiss her goodbye.
She can't know about this.
I won't wake her. Just one kiss.
Look at that face.
Isn't she cute?
Eddie: Don't wake her up.
Let's go. What's that?
This is your gun. I
could never shoot...
Eddie: Yeah.
Holy shit!
Elaine: What
happened? You all right?
Sorry, honey. Fucking lunatic!
George: I've never
been in the woods before.
Eddie: What? George: The woods!
I've never been in
the woods before.
Eddie: Oh, the
most important thing
you need to know
is if you see anything
that looks like poison Ivy,
don't wipe your ass with it.
Heh.
You old duck hunter!
How's it going? Fine. You?
Wouldn't miss it for the world!
Damn ducks! What the hell
we need those ducks for?
Bam, bam, bam.
Rupert: What a
day to kill a duck, huh?
Maybe after the hunt
we can shoot billiards.
What do you say? Here.
I picked this out
for you myself.
What's this? This is
your hunting jacket.
Hey, that is great!
Thanks, dibbsy.
Eddie: It looks wonderful.
You know who you look like? Who?
Ernest Hemingway.
Honest? Rupert: Doesn't he?
Oh, yeah.
Ah, look, I hate to rush
something unexpected
came up. I can't go with you.
George: Why not?
Business. That's life, huh?
Emergency at the plant.
The ducks won't wait. They
don't care about business.
Come on. Let's go.
Did you shoot
all these yourself?
You did, heh.
And all the
Fieldings before you.
Ducks for dinner
tonight! Happy hunting!
Eddie: Wait in the truck. I
got to go to the bathroom.
Okie-doke.
Happy hunting! I
got to talk to you.
What?
You were supposed
to come with us.
What the fuck's going on?
Relax, will you? Just
get him in the duck blind.
Blast a couple of ducks
and then you yell, "look out!
There's a bear!
Run for your life!"
Then you blast him.
There are no bears
in a duck blind.
It doesn't matter if
there are bears or not!
Just yell, "there's a bear!"
It'll all be over
before he knows it.
I want the other
half of my money
before people find out
we're not burying fielding.
There's no chance of that.
I have all the documents
I need to prove
that he is Abe fielding.
You don't have
to worry about it.
Come on!
This is a nice
jacket he gave me.
It must've cost
him a pretty penny.
You got to put the collar
up. You got to be cool.
How do you mean?
Eddie: Oh, classy. I like that.
- Cool?
- George: Cool.
Cool, man. Like you?
I look like Eddie.
Heh, very nice. Ducks!
Eddie: Not now.
Take it easy.
Easy.
Now. Keep flying! Go home!
There's people
down here with guns!
Get out of here!
Go back to your families!
Get out! Get out! Get out!
Why'd you do that?
To keep an innocent
creature from being killed.
To save you from a lifetime
of heartache and guilt.
They're just ducks!
They're not just ducks!
They're alive! They're
like you and me!
They're not like you and me.
They fly around and
they shit on people.
George: Be kind
to your web-footed friends
cause a duck could be...
Could you freeze on the
"web-footed friends" shit?
Sorry, I couldn't help think
about those poor ducks.
What was that? What was what?
I heard something. What?
Bird? It was a bear!
A bear!
Where? I'm going to get it.
George: Do you see it?
Eddie: No, but it's a bear.
Where is it now?
It's a brown bear.
A big brown bear?
Eddie. You were right.
I see it.
You put one of these.
George: Oh, my god.
He's huge!
He's a great giant bear!
Oh!
Don't worry, Eddie.
Don't worry.
Sit.
Sit, baby.
Eddie: He's going
to rip off your dick!
Hello there.
Say, you're a big
fellow, aren't you?
If you understand
what I'm saying
raise your left hand.
Good. Now both
of them. Very good!
What the fuck are you doing?
We want to express love for you.
Eddie and I come in peace.
Well, I see what you mean.
You make a good point.
Yes.
We saw your friends
mounted on the wall
at the lodge we just came from.
Tell you the truth Eddie
and I found it disgusting.
Didn't we?
Eddie: Get the
fuck out of the way!
I'm going to shoot it!
No, Eddie, don't shoot.
Don't shoot!
Well, kids,
it's time to ring
down the curtain
on this little production
of ours, huh?
I think we made
a hit, don't you?
Leticia, I prophesy a big
career for you. I mean that.
The memorial service will
be in the fielding chapel
which is just
adjoining the brewery.
Heh, brewery!
I will be expecting the
three of you to attend.
Just think of it
as a curtain call.
So you're saying
that we're burying him
as fielding, even
though he wasn't fielding.
Rupert: Yes,
I feel it's the least we can do.
You know, the poor guy
had no family, no friends.
It's a terrible tragedy,
but accidents happen.
Don't they, Eddie?
It was an accident.
Of course it was.
No one is saying it
wasn't. Nobody blames you.
How do we play this?
Like we knew him as Abe?
Of course, Jerome. That's
the whole point, isn't it?
Play it sad, but not morose.
Upset, but, please,
no tears, huh?
Poor guy. I feel awful.
Well, you use that, Eleanor.
Save it for later and use it.
That's called "method acting."
Look, everybody, I just
want to express my gratitude
to a very talented
ensemble of thespians.
Bravo! Bravissimo!
Oh, for Pete's sake! If
we knew you were Abe
we might have been
able to help you!
George.
Now, that is a beautiful suit.
And that tie matches perfectly.
But you need a handkerchief.
Can I get a handkerchief?
Enough is enough!
Sit down in the pew,
shut up and be good.
I always said you
were full of shit.
We hardly knew you.
We knew your dad, though.
Many of us remember
putting to rest
rather, preserving the great
man right here, not so long ago.
And now father and son
can freeze in peace together.
Um, Abe's best friend,
Mr. Eddie dash, is here.
Uh, he's going to
say a few words.
Eddie, come and say a few words.
Gloria: Uh, Mr. Dibbs? What?
There's an extremely
urgent phone call for you.
Urgent? Yes.
Hey, hands off!
Abe was a nice man.
Yes, he was. Good man, Abe.
Uh, he, um, he liked basil.
He loved basil.
He used to say basil was a
herb whose time had come.
Unfortunately, Abe,
it was you whose time had come.
We used to smoke basil together.
And you know, we'd
get a natural high.
Smoked a lot too.
And he loved to yodel.
Yodeling and magic,
that was his thing.
He always said if he
could combine the two
he would yodel from his
grave. I know that's impossible.
Ah.
It's a miracle!
Hi, everybody.
I'm very touched that
you all came to my funeral.
I know this must be a...
Honey! Honey.
What happened?
What's the matter, sweetheart?
What the hell is going on?
You tell me. Did we
rehearse this scene?
No. No.
Oh. What are you doing, huh?
Have you completely
lost your tiny mind?
You forget, we're
playing my game now.
Oh, really? I've got
news for you, pal.
I'm the one holding
all the cards.
I can prove you're a murderer.
I've got the whole
ugly business on tape.
Au contraire. There
was no murder.
But there was a conspiracy to
murder, which I have on tape.
George: Honey.
Honey, can you hear me?
Everything's
going to be all right.
Eddie said that shot you.
That was part of the plan.
He was supposed to tell you.
We worked it out on
the way to the lodge.
This is our first meeting,
our second meeting.
Here's something for
you. Johnny Mathis.
To help you make
it through the night.
And this file
proves that my
man is Abe fielding.
Your man is dead!
Wrong again, dibbsy.
What does that mean?
What does "bogazine" mean?
We got to get out of here!
But I saw him
lying in the morgue!
Eddie's got connections.
The morgue attendant
owed him a favor. Right?
That's right.
Hello, everybody.
I know you must be confused
about what's going on.
The important thing is
that I'm back at the brewery
and you're all in for
a five-percent raise.
Don't listen. He's full of shit!
All: Oh!
You all right? Get me up!
Rupert: Get me up right now!
You can't say we didn't try.
Cut him loose.
That man is an impostor!
Cut me out of this!
He's not Abe fielding.
I knew Abe fielding.
Abe fielding was
a friend of mine.
And this man is
not Abe fielding.
But, Mr. Dibbs, you
just eulogized him.
You said: "Abe, we
hardly knew you..."
Shut up. Sit down.
You! You!
Did you or did you not treat
this man in your lunatic asylum?
Sanitarium! You told
us he was Abe fielding.
Right, but he's not!
I challenge anyone to
say that he's Abe fielding.
He's Abe fielding! I've
been his bookie for years.
Shut up!
He's one of our best friends.
Isn't that right, honey?
Not now, you idiot! Wait.
I don't remember this scene.
Ladies and gentlemen, these
people are merely actors.
Merely actors?
And not very good ones at that.
They're playing roles.
They're being paid.
Point of order!
Help.
Ronald Reagan
was merely an actor!
All right. Fine!
Are you the equity deputy?
Um, I don't know what to say.
I feel like such a
fool. I'm sorry. I am.
I lost, you won.
Come on!
Let's Bury the hatchet over
a Stein of fielding in
my... your office, huh?
No, I don't... don't
be a spoilsport!
We don't have time. Abe
or George, whatever...
Listen, George...
Run! Run!
He's going to kill him!
Bring the casket
down here quick!
Come on, this way!
Onward!
This is my brewery.
I earned it! You
wanted to be in beer?
Welcome to the beer business.
Dibbsy, I won't tell the police
you tried to kill me!
The name is Mr. Dibbs!
Help! Help!
Eddie, I'm down here!
Oh, god!
Ahh! Shh.
Get the valve! George?
Will somebody please
tell me what's going on?
Boy, that was good beer!
Oh, honey!
Ow.
Where's dibbsy?
Eddie: Guard!
Get him out.
He's not fielding.
He's a liar. The man's a liar.
If you lie about this
you'll be lying for
the rest of your life!
Liar! Liar! Liar!
Liar! Liar!
Honey,
if I don't tell the
truth right now,
will you ever believe me again?
I love you, George.
George.
Walk like a man, George.
Eddie: Don't do anything stupid!
We're pissing in tall cotton.
Sorry, everybody.
I want to tell you something.
Mr. Dibbs was telling
the truth a little while ago.
I am a pathological liar.
I spent the last three years
of my life in a sanitarium.
Shit, I'm broke.
I'm a Volvo dealer, and my
name happens to be George.
This fielding's a beaut.
George. Get used to George.
George Washington,
as a matter of fact.
Eddie: Hey, everybody!
Take the rest of the day off.
And forget about
that five-percent raise
when you come back.
It'll be a ten-percent raise.
Stop fucking
around! Okay, smile.
A little more. Great!
Can I have that card?
Thank you. And I
need your lipstick.
I don't want to take a
picture with no lipstick!
You'll like this one. I
don't want no lipstick.
They'll put me in a magazine.
They'll take pictures.
Hey, what are you doing?
I don't like to be touched!
Just keep your hands off!
What's wrong with you?
Don't ever call my friend
a shithead again, okay?