Antonio Sanint: Orgasmo (2023) Movie Script
What?
Is it full?
I am going
I am finishing
Meditating
NARRATOR:
Ladies and gentleman
NARRATOR:
Antonio Sanint
[Applause]
Real men at least
once in their life
have been alone
at home in front of
a mirror naked
and gone like
[Laughter]
A real man hears a
cumbia and his
african heritage comes alive
He pulls out an inivisible
"vuelteado" hat
He grabs a candle burns himself
but hides it
[Laughter]
An aunt always pops
out from somewhere
and starts to dance very sexy
[Laughter]
A real man has no clue
about dancing regaeton
We have no clue no clue
For those who
think they do go to
a reggaeton party
look at the women dancing together
look sister how I "twerk" look at me
[Laughter]
Always leaning against something
Against a chair look sister look
how I go down, look at me
Behind her, there is a man who is lost
But look at us men dancing reggaeton
we can barely do this
The most we can do is raise our arms
Men don't know how
to dance reggaeton
Not even reggaeton artists
know how to dance reggaeton
Of course because it affects women
It is like the music gets
inside them and when
you get to the zone
you start with an
involuntary movement
Doesn't matter where they are
it can be an executive
doing a big presentation
while listening to reggaeton and...
Because most of us men are
very good here
Yes or no? They are very
good, comfortable, calm
everything is easy
It only took me 17 years to learn this thing
and I was starting to pull
the little pull
if you are from Bogota and you
pull you feel you are from Cali
Most of us were very good
when dancing merengue
At parties we wouldn't stop dancing
I was good at dancing this way
But try the other way
and I would lose it
Why did they changed the rules on us?
You know, this new rules
imposed by reggaeton I seen men about
my age, 32 to 45 years old
I didn't know
I didn't know men don't ask women
to dance
it's really sad
I learned this the other day
I was at a party they played reggaeton
I saw a women I liked
I was about to ask her to dance
and a friend said
What are you doing?
Today you don't do that
You just go on to the dance floor
give it your best shot
And if the woman likes you
Let her approach you
These are the new rules
Everyone on their own
She starts to dance next to you
flirt and if she
really likes you
she will let you know
And I don't know about you
but for me
when a woman brushes
against my crotch
a few times very few times
basically twice and I'm good
I get the way most men get
when we hear the national anthem
It's ok dude I'll explain later
you are not alone we are here for you
Oh, never ending glory!
You get erect and then...
So you are standing up
with all that in front
and you get ideas
Our male brain gets ideas
really inspired
I feel a connection
I'm leaving my wife
But these days this means nothing
This contact
this intimacy today
means absolutely nothing
The song is over and
the woman leaves
And I'm left alone on the dance floor
clueless, like the little dog
next door you push it away
Hey I'm not done yet!
Good evening Bogota!
Welcome to Orgasm
We all come from at least...
Why are you laughing?
I'll explain later what an
orgasm is calm down...
Orgasm... What is that?
We all come from at least one
everyone on earth
comes from at least one well...
sometimes there's two
rarely
And almost never simultaneous,
but we come from it
And I started writing this show
as a book
when my son was a teenager
I felt I needed to leave
an open channel to communicate
with him so when he asked
I could explain
Because our parents never
explained anything
My dad is from Manizales
so he had that thing
I'm from Manizales
I was never explained anything
and here I'm ok.
Why would I explain to you?
If he slips and falls
he can get up
and if he hits his head
he won't reproduce
My dad didn't always speak like that
but I did have a
conversation once
just one time in my life he said
Antonio come
let's have this conversation
man to man
and we'll get it over with
all I'm going to tell you is
it's normal for a 13-year old man
to do two things
sports and masturbation
And think you are more
into the second
That's all he said
Obviously I was full of doubts
no one tells us stuff. But women
women are always talking
communicating sharing ideas
If something happens to a
woman right away
her aunt, cousin, neighbor...
the entire support team
If a woman gets a pimple
right away three women
give her advice
use this, don't use this,
wear this skirt
it matches your pimple
They are alway there
Their social media is full
of advice
15 ways to seduce a man, nice
but 15?
15?
Show a boob, that's it!
We are men
what else did you expect?
You communicate we don't
We basically are clueless,
all the time.
Some cultures celebrate
when a girl becomes a woman
not sure if you knew this
by leaving flowers on her bed
It's nice. Cheesy but nice
What did men get?
When did we get something?
From what age to what age?
Nothing never
When our testicles
came down not even coffee
[Laughter]
You didn't know?
So you thought
they where always there?
For some they come down at birth
Others take a bit more time
and for some they never come down
But a small surgery and they come down
But the most important thing
we need to understand that
once they come down
Your nuts,
They never stop going down
[Laughter]
[Applause]
I've seen men in steam rooms
About 65-years old
How are you?
Dragging and leaving
a water trail
How are you?
But the most important thing
that happens is
I don't know if the inguinal canals
remain open not sure why
This happens to some men
when they are with
the woman we love.
Working hard
and when we are about
to stretch our neck
like a turtle
You feel...
Honey do you have them?
[Laughter]
This is what we will be talking
about tonight
That is why it's called Orgasm
we all come from at least one
because it is important to us
We all come from an orgasm
So tonight we will talk about this
with no filter
because we are all made from it
Our bodies are very similar
We all come from it
But we will speak the truth
if I may because
we are all adults
and I know that our inside voice
is being moralistic
inside your head
no matter what
talking to us. I have that inside voice
I don't know why but
my voice is a 75-year old
woman from Bogota
Not sure why
Those ladies that talk like this
"What a disgusting subject"
Those women they are half goat half fish
Hello
How are you?
How are you doing?
[Laughter]
The other things is I am
a heterosexual male
and I will speak from my experience
but I respect
every gender you want to be
I think a man is born with
a Y chromosome
and after that
you are free to decide
to be whatever you want to be
and whatever you do you
will be welcomed
respected loved and supported
and we will be proud of you
So...
[Applause]
so without further adieu
Welcome to Orgasm
We all come from at least one
[Applause]
Approximately
160,000 years ago
on the way
roaming the earth
a being
that became different from
other similar species
they were the omini.. omini...
Not while filming
[Applause]
The omi...
The omi...
Ay!
I'm stuck
You try it dude! See how you do
Basically other primates walking
on two legs there you go!
They could tell them apart
apart with two simple things
the first one was walking erect
I thought the same when I read it
I thought poor guy
Because there's two ways of
walking upright
The first one is
generally when you are
visiting your girlfriend and her mom arrives
Maria Cristina how are you?
How are doing?
[Laughter]
But the one I mean
is from science books we read
that famous graphic of the
evolution of man
In one corner a small monkey
dragging his hands on
the ground and
it starts to rise upwards,
more and more upright
and he suddenly he grabs a tool
and we get to modern men today
and as soon as these devices
appear, thanks to them
we will go back to
[Growls like a caveman]
It is proven that we communicate
using this medium more and more
text messages
instead of voice
it has been good to make us realize
the terrible spelling we all have
I hope you did well in the...
Is hope with an "h"?
Delete delete delete
What's up? Great?
Just me just me and secondly
is that we learned to use fire
we learned to light it and put it out
And those two very simple elements
catapulted us to what we are today
as a species
The question is if men
as a gender also evolved
and I'm not that sure
because all of us
men most men at least
we are always looking for a woman
the prettiest of the clan
the most special
so we could improve the species
and that happens for 160,000 years
fighting killing each other
losing empires over a fanny
Some men
don't and they go and
invent the wheel
are entrepenuers...
Little things
because if there is
a common denominator the fanny
We lost empires
the best example is Troy
Remeber Troy in school?
Troy had a very important king
called Menelao
but not Menelao from the Pacific
"Hey, I'm Menelao"
This king was very important
and had a beautiful wife
named Helena
and everyone wanted
to be with Helena
He protected her like a treasure
until an asshole milenial
vaping
Hey dude
He seduced her we don't know how
kidnapped her and took her to
the other side
Menelao got pissed
obviously and sent many to war
not one, not 50, 40,000 boats
That was some fanny right?
[Laughter]
40,000 boats
What kind of fanny was it?
The atomic fanny really
And at time they wouldn't shave right?
It was
Hello Menelao
and... puff
You had to enter like this
[Mower sound]
40,000 boats
I see you over there
with all due respect you are
a very atractive woman
How many boats have they sent you?
Man at least a motorcycle taxi something dude
And history tells us
that Menelao's consultants said
"Menelao, please,
let's not waste all that money
all those lives
there's 30,000 women
choose any fanny you want."
"No, I want Helena's fanny"
That explains the power
And Troy broke lose
and that's where the saying
comes from
"Pubic hair pulls more than a boats anchor"
[Laughter and applause]
And the other thing is that
in 160,000 years
no matter what scientific breakthrough
medical innovations
we still continue to come here
thanks to a man and a woman
that got together
and at least one came
Sometimes there's love
I wish there was always love
but unfortunately
for there to be life
love is not neccesary
an orgasm is needed
that is essential
In other words for there
to be life
at some point, a man
had to do this face
[Laughter]
We are all here today
thanks to a man who
at some point did this
[Laughter]
That is the importance of an orgasm
Each time a man makes this face
thousands of sperm cells are shot
at 50 kilometers per hour
500 million sperm
with only one objective
the ovule
and 99.9% of them do not
even make it to the vagina
I mean 99.9% remain
in a sock
[Laughter]
in an eye
[Laughter]
In an amygdala
Anyways
[Laughter]
Dude what are we doing in the colon?
I don't know
500 million
is like the population of America
imagine that we all
were sperm cells because they need
to be doing something
you can not be all day like this
they need to be doing something
maybe there's a theatre in the left testicle
a spermatozoon comedian
"Have you realized how difficult
it is to swim without a tail?"
[Laughter and applause]
And all of the sudden
an alarm rings and
everybody goes from America
to Europe it is like the distance
these guys have to travel
and those who arrive
not even half
some do not even make
it to the ocean
some swim as much as
they can and
the number decreases little by little
a very select group remains that
reaches the egg
But from those only one arrives
All of us have been
that spermatozoon that arrives
and the first thing it does
when it sees that great egg is
he turns to look at the others
and he does
[Laughter]
And the spermatozoon
enters and gives
their genetic information
where they come from
and they have 23 chromosomes
I thought there were more
no the eggs puts another 23
our genetic information is created
by 46 chromosomes
Our genetic information
and characteristics are added
like a cards game
"I add the black hair...
brown eyes height 1.70 meters what?
yes he is from Colombia oh okay"
[Laughter]
Alzheimer
Ok
my mother's bad temper
if I don't add it she gets mad
and that is all of our
genetic information
and when the genetic
map is complete
The egg divides in two cells
and it divides again
always in pairs
2, 4, 8, 16, 32, 64
a hundred and something
[Laughter]
That's why I do this man
And at the fourth week
there is already a being
with a miniature heart
pumping blood and oxigen to
all the new cells
and at that point men
and women are the same
no gender yet
and that is why all men
have nipples
I don't know women
if you know but this
in men serves no purpose
Right? Stop insisting here
really
sucking for an hour and
you are like
What? Darling if
it arouses you go on
This is your sexual discovery not mine
go on
and 6 weeks later
we want to know the gender
the Y chromosome
and see wether its a boy or a girl so
you go to the sonographist and I
want to clarify
the other day a doctor said
to me Antonio
We study medicine for 10 years and
then radiology
so you have to be respectful
no, no, so yes
so after clarifying that you go
to the sonogradiologist
and they often are overly sweet
because they deal with
babies and parents
"Daddy and mommy, come in
[Laughter]
Oh! Mommy is going to lay down here
Let's uncover the big belly that...
pretty mommy has we are going to
apply some gel, yes cold, very cold!"
and they take out that machine
[Machine sounds]
And Zing! your child appears
on the screen
nowadays the ecographies are
3D you can see every detail eyebrows
nose everything
Back in the day the screen
showed
an alien
emerged from the dark like
[Laughter]
We will be proud parents
of an extraterrestrial
no big deal
and the sonogradiologist
so they start measuring everything
with the mouse
"okay, here we ..."
have the humerus
very good and here the skull
and here's the sex of the baby
it's a boy let's measure it
Wow! daddy can be proud"
And one can't help but
say the worst joke
of the world just like daddy!
And at nine months one
ends up in a
delivery room
nervous but with
a lot of excitement
because your child is
about to be born
and I recommend fathers be close
it is beautiful
there are all sorts of new emotions
you have never felt before
new colors new smells
things that you will never smell
in your life
Be there
it is a beautigul moment
but I recommend something and
it is that when you are there
be on this side
It isn't worth it to look over there
because, usually
you like to be there
but if that day you look
you don't want to come back
because, for us, it is like a cat
small and cute
but that day
its a carnivorous plant
[Laughter]
Spitting out a melon
Do not worry
[Laughter and applause]
So avoid that
and be there with her keeping
her company and doing all
the exercises we learned in the psyco-
prenatal classes and
[Laughter]
be there
breathing with them loving them
they are the mother of
your children
She is there
sometimes but
other times she is not
It is the exorcist
[Monster sounds and laughter]
You are doing great love
push push!
and she pushes
And it looks fun
so you push
[Monster sounds and laughter]
and the nurse joins as well
[Monster sounds and laughter]
And we all
And thanks to our combined effort
The baby is born
[Laughter and applause]
And time stops
and suddenly the doctor
a horrible
creature
Yes!
Horrible!
Don't worry
it becomes pretty over time
some need a week others a month
some never get prettier
Here, nature divides us in
men and women
It is beautiful because
women have something
that us men are miles
away of understanding
an unconditional love
mother's love it
it doesn't matter what
comes out of her they will
see it as the most beautiful being
but us we see a larva
It isn't their fault
they just passed
through a hole that
When they are born
they come neckless
elongated skull
swollen eyes purple lips
hysterical
[Crying baby sounds
and laughter]
And you see them and say
Love, they were not ready
[Laughter]
We needed about 12 more months
Doctor
Is it possible to put it back in?
and from the first moment
mothers have instinct and they
know how to hold a baby
how to feed them
put them to sleep
we as men need to learn
we need to adapt
At first we lift them as
if they were a box
of nitroglycerin
if we are allowed to
get close no?
because we have to understand
from the moment a child is
born we won't
be more than a
diaper caddy
[Laughter]
Of course because the attention
is in
the mother producing life
important and when
she enters the family's house
she will have a procession of
people that follows her
"I want to see the baby"
And at the end of that procession
we find the good for nothing with
the diaper bag
[Laughter]
Men are so pathetic
that carrying a diaper bag
makes us feel important
What do you need, honey?
Diapers I have diapers
diaper, diaper, diaper, wipes
Bottle? bottle bottle!
The baby lives thanks to me
Initially we don't really get it
we need to learn
because we are still a bit hurt
because we have been
promised a son
But initially they do nothing
They don't want to play video
games or soccer
The baby is just there
[Laughter]
You grab a ball
and go,
kick it kick it
No?
Ok play goalie then
[Laughter]
Oh, cry baby!
But then something magic happens
we understand our role
in their life
and we fall in love
I have a son
named Alejandro
that I love with all my soul
We became buddies
and there is a moment
when you learn
how to play the game
days go by
and you enjoy being together
And that perfect love
between father and son
lasts
13 years
[Laughter]
Mother nature is wise
One day you hold a perfect baby
with big eyes
that say daddy and you melt
And that is a strategy from
mother nature
so when they become teenagers
we can't kill them!
[Laughter]
Because by then you want to
Who has teenage kids right now?
Raise your hands
I'm seeing faces of
happiness all around
[Laughter]
Yes it's not easy they
are adolescents
The word adolecer means
lacking something
They are not kids or adults
They are in a limbo
like zombies
They drag their feet
they use their arms like this
a hunger all day long
Their jaw unhinged
Where are you going?
They do the bare minimum
[Monster sounds and laughter]
Fridge fridge
They get frustrated
by almost everything
[Laughter]
It's understandable they are
going through changes
Here comes chromosome Y
again filling the body
with testosterone
that fills the bone structure
of a man a bit bigger
our throat gets larger
adam's apple pops out
and we talk deeper
And we get lots of hair
Those that could grow hair
[Laughter]
I can't help it
I have no hair Never got it
and my dad unfortunately
never explained that there is
no relationship
between having hair
and being a man
But when you are a teen
you see your hairy friends
all over their body like monkeys
One thinks, wow!
So I have no hair
maybe I'm not a man
in our country
there is a phrase that
defines a man
It says hairy chested man
has a whirlpool up his ass
and foam when peeing
[Monster sounds and laughter]
Actually, I've never understood
why a whirlpool up his ass
What is that?
I searched online
"whirlpool up my ass"
to see what came up
Someone here with a
whirlpool up their ass
Can you explain the meaning?
[Laughter]
Worst of all
parents should be there
to help us understand
to say having more or less hair
is not a measure of your manhood nope
So you have to aks your friends
I had one
He was Arabic very hairy
Hairy all over his body
Their beard would go right up
to their chest
They shave all the way down
But at noon hair would grow again
[Laughter]
I wanted to be hairy So I said
dude share your secret
Do you Arabs use something?
He said, of course, oil.
Shit!
[Laughter]
You can't imagine the faith
I had in it I would go to
bed everyday
smeared in oil
praying to god tomorrow
there is a sprout
Let me wake up
God and see a small hair
But nothing
All my adolescence
Nothing
Lots of red lots of red
I would stink like gasoline obviously
One day my dad said
"Do you secretly want
to be a mechanic?
Or what?
[Laughter]
And then we start to change
but the changes are not overnight
Generally they start in
our extremities
One day you have a boy
walking around
he house and the other day
his hands grow
[Laughter]
They don't know what
to do with them
Where do they put their hands?
Hi how are you?
How have you been?
And by the next week their feet
look like a Tyrannosaurus
[Dinosaur sound and laughter]
And we are full of pimples
And our teeth get crooked
I don't know why
so we get braces
and wires that don't allow us
to close our mouth
and our nose
grows like a separate entity
[Laughter]
One day you answer the phone
Hello!
[Laughter]
My voice changed
[Laughter]
Mom they thought I was my dad
[Laughter]
Oh my god!
There is nothing more ugly
than a teenager
[Laughter]
No what Really
[Applause]
Sorry
if we have adolescents in the
audience but, really
In all species have you seen
an adolescent chicken?
Adolescent chicken?
It is no longer the yellow
cute doormat
and it isn't the cock with the attitude
the feathers
and the comb
No, it's something in the middle
[Laughter]
Tiny wings
with bald patches all over
The yellow is dirty
three hairs here
giant beak
[Chicken sounds and laughter]
It's so ugly that
the mother hen tells
the chicks pass. by quickly
Don't talk to him go quickly
It's not me
And here comes
the hardest paradigm
of our life
because the time of our
life that we are
the ugliest adolescence
it's when we are most horny
We only have one thing in mind
sex
sex, ass, ass, boob, boob
ass, ass, ass
and in school they demand from us
as if we had the capacity
of understanding something else
The teacher
"today we are studying breasts"
[Laughter]
"Teacher said breasts"
Breasts
[Laughter]
"I need to go to the bathroom"
At this point we start going
to the bathroom
A lot
I asked several doctors and they said
Not only it's normal it's healthy
So let's understand that mothers
adolescent children relax
It's normal
if you find the door closed
knock
[Laughter]
Don't be like... Hi love how are...
No!
In a house with adolescents
you need to knock
and you wait at least
45 minutes
[Laughter]
We need to evolve
don't be like my mother
She saw me enter the bathroom
and started yelling
"Antonio, I want you clapping"
[Laughter]
No, Pablo,
"If I don't do something he is
going to kill himself in the bathroom"
"Antonio, I don't hear you clapping"
and you are inside
[Laughter and applause]
It's fine relax
it's the 21st century
It does not matter
how we call it
Masturbation, jerking off
jack off
[Laughter]
Spanking the monkey,
whacking off
Polishing the rocket
[Laughter]
Chocking the chicken
tossin the salad
How ever you want to call it
[Laughter]
It's natural
all men masturbate
Yes all women too
Why are you clapping?
masturbation?
[Laughter]
All men masturbate
just as all women masturbate
Did you feel it?
asses clenched
[Laughter]
It's normal it happens
to everybody
That's the little voice
No!
[Laughter]
"What a distasteful joke"
[Laughter]
I am not a doctor
I am not a sexologist
I am not a sociologist nothing
I'm a comedian and I react
to what I see
Don't you find it strange
that in the 21st century
we men have a thousand
nicknames for masturbating
nicknames for masturbating
but for women
none?
Do we?
[Laughter]
I will throw one out
It will be my contribution
to humanity
Smash the green bean
[Laughter]
I mean I think it looks like
a green bean
and you smash it
And that is the age when
you define your sexuality
Not before not after
Some men like I said before
prefer to explore it with other
men and we won't judge
on the contrary it is time
to accept each other
100% acceptance everyone
I have a message
If any young man is going
through his process
that is not easy I know
Don't leave come out of the closet
[Laughter]
I just said we would support you
[Laughter]
Where are you going? The bathroom?
[Laughter]
I have a separate message for him
Feel proud of who you are
of what makes you happy
But if someone next to you
doesn't get you
doesn't respect you
doesn't feel proud
that person is not worth being next to
[Applause]
Having clarified this
I will speak about
hereterosexuals
that from time to time
when we feel
homosexual confusion
It's just me!
Only me!
Every man from time to time
at least once in a lifetime
we've been in front of a very
handsome man
good looking very attractive
and we've had some thoughts
Shit I'm gay!
[Laughter]
Ok. What's up?
How are you?
All good?
You smell great!
Shall we take the pot?
Let's stop goofing around
nothing will turn us into
something we don't want
There are no rules
all people want is
Happy happy
That's it
They are no recruiting relax
And here
is where we find love Our teens
And the cycle comes full circle
we look for an orgasm
to reproduce
and love comes around
It's hard because we
come from different
places generally But we also
need to understand
that genders are different
We have fought for equality
we are almost at that point
we must have the same rights
there is no doubt about it
and winning is the same.
But we are different
and that's ok
Men have something women
definetely don't have
warm feet
[Laughter]
I have no idea
what you have from the knee down
What a cold thing
really
Is that a reptile mutation?
really
Your are on bed
flipping channels
Watching the futbol match
minding your own business
when half an hour later she arrives
[Laughter]
"Darling, could you warm my..."
[Laughter]
It's so so so cold!
What?
Where? Where did
you go for tea?
To Alaska by foot?
[Laughter]
I decided to investigate to see why
is that I searched on the internet
and I didn't know this
It is because
women in the evening
after 6pm are incapable
of producing heat
Because of the reptile mutation
[Laughter]
So they latch
onto your body
[Suction sounds]
and absorb heat to remain
alive until the next day
[Laughter]
You didn't know eitherl?
And you start falling asleep
[Laughter]
Not asleep
but unconscious
really
The problem with my wife
is that she falls asleep
next to me
and forgets to unplug
So all night
she absorbs
[Suction sounds]
And by 3 in the morning she has
sucked more heat
than she needs
[Laughter and applause]
She is very hot
So she gets rid of the blanket
She start with her cooling dance
She lifts her hair
and fans her neck
because she swears
that on her neck
there are vents
[Laughter]
Of course to cool down her CPU
[Laughter]
And she cools down again
grabs the blanket
like a boa constrictor and
takes them all
And all that
that movement leaves us
5 cm before the edge
of the bed
But we don't dare to complain
Because at 3 in the morning
if she wakes up and we are asleep
She will wake you up
Furious I'm hot!
So you lay there afraid
in the corner and doesn't dare to
say anything because
you don't love her
"Honey, I don't know where
the blanket went
I'm cold
Can I have some?
It's ok honey the tag
is good enough
Don't worry
And from this place
from these 5 centimeters
all men have heard
from the woman we love
something coming out
that makes her human
like all of us
[Flatulance sounds]
[Laughter]
Don't pretend
don't pretend you don't know
It's just in my house? Well
[Laughter]
[Flatulance sounds]
[Laughter]
Small sweet
Not manly at all
[Laughter]
[Flatulance sounds]
[Laughter]
Melodic
Like a rainbow comes from it
purple giraffes gallop
they stink
[Laughter and applause]
At the same time
you women have something
we don't light years
you have a great orgasm
Something beautiful potent
with different frequencies
up and down
If a woman's orgasm was a song
it would need to be
an opera
[Voice of tenor]
with highs and lows
If a men's orgasm was a song
it would need to be a carranga
[Sound of carranga and laughter]
Don't touch me don't touch me
[Laughter]
Why is it like that for us?
all that effort the fear
the struggle talking to her
taking her out
for maybe grabbing a boob
and then in 2 seconds
No!
it's not fair!
and it is physiognomic
we have different hormones
with different functions
really have you seen
with all due respect women
I will try
to explain men
what a female orgasm is
Don't worry I've been there
[Laughter]
Yes
not only once
twice
[Laughter]
More than you
Have you seen a female orgasm?
The face of a woman
after the climax?
Me neither
but it doesn't matter
[Laughter]
It's divine
Look I'll explain It's rather different
because for women
it's not only physical
but everything is connected
It starts from the center of the earth
with a small tremble
and it starts rising
[Boiling sounds]
and it goes through all
the layers of the earth
until it arrives to
that one at the top and it's
transmited to her feet
spreading through her body and
when it reaches this zone
a beatiful pair of wings unfold
[Laughter]
and she floats towards the stratosphere
and she stays there in pleasure
beautiful divine
And if she wants
she has the capacity
to stay up there
and we have been taught
that she can go up over
and over again
With the first, she is only starting
We can go up there
once
[Laughter]
Because we have a hormone
named oxytocin
that when we get up there
we plummet exhausted
[Laughter]
Why would I want to go back up?
No, thank you
[Laughter]
With all the effort I needed to get there
[Laughter]
We need to be generous
One day, some years ago, my son
asked me "dad, how do I
make love to a woman?"
I said "I don't know"
[Laughter]
"That's what internet is for"
and I looked for a way
to explain to him
because as men
we can be brutes
to understand that style of things
And I said, my son
likes videogames
and he is a DJ
so I said to him first
Relax take it easy because
we have something
I call
the driller syndrome
If it was for us
"Hi, I'm-
[Drill sounds]
Relax
take it easy
Women make love with five senses
Put some candles dim the lights
play some music
and understand that this is 10
There are numbers for
erogenous zones
This is 8
7 neck
And back here is 7 5
And the glutes have several
nerve endings
this is 9 2
Feel the flow
And make combos
[Laughter]
I love your laugh Andrea
No because
I don't know if you know
a woman's laughter
comes from the same
place in the brain
as her orgasm
[Laughter]
Then play and make combos
7, 5, 8, 2, 8, 2, 7,5, 9, 8
10,10,10,10
And you will see that
flower opening
and remain there so that
at the end she takes you
by the ears and scream "Now!"
[Screams and laughter]
But not yet
We can earn extra points
There is another style
of orgasm
If you want you must go down
"What did he say?
I didn't understand"
[Laughter]
Go down
Some men don't like it
Do you think that women love it?
[Gagging sounds]
[Laughter]
That they always dream of it?
No
[Laughter]
They do it because
they care about us
So if you're going down
the only rule
soldiers is to be ready to stay
there for a long time
Let's dive in with a tent
and water bottle
[Laughter and applause]
Let's spend
so much time down there that
the next day
someone sees us
and can't help asking
what happened?
[Laughter]
I don't know what happened to me
[Laughter]
I feel nothing below my nose
Nothing!
But she loved it
[Laughter]
Tonight
she wants more I'm scared
[Laughter]
I asked
many couples when I was
writing my book
many couples
with 35 years and more
What is the secret
to last that long?
and it was nice because besides
of love and passion
two things caught my attention
One is men we need to understand
and the faster the better
men don't win arguments
[Applause]
The faster
we understand that the happier
we'll be
because fights are
won with arguments
and to have a valid agrument
you need data
and there's no being the
face of this earth that
accumulates more data
[Laughter]
than women
systematically their brains have multiple
alphabetically numbered slots
with smells colors
things you have
said in the past
[Laughter]
and in a fight
like a ninja she will bring
them all back
[Simulated sounds knives flying]
and we will try to retaliate with data
that is on our nightstand
that doesn't open very well
I want to confess something
We deep down not men
don't like to fight
We like to scold it's different
Pure testosterone!
[Grumpy voice]
Lights... turn them off...
what a mess
[Applause]
The other thing is that men
this will surprise you
We don't know when the fight starts
[Laughter]
One day you are
spreading butter on the bread
in the kitchen
Calm
All of the sudden we are in the
middle of a fight
Throwing data
"Remember?
at your parents house
September 23rd
you had a blue tie"
and we think
that we can bring the
angry man to the fight
[Grumpy voice]
But they're not scared because they can
shut him up with one question
that requires data they
know we don't have
"really? tell me when?"
[Laughter]
Another thing
is that your wife
won't be
too different from your
mother-in-law in 30 years
Good
I saw another face around here
that said: "Shit, I screwed up!"
The apple doesn't fall
too far from the tree
and if you want to know
how you will be in 30 years
don't look at your dad
Look at your father-in-law
[Erupted laughter]
That's what you'll become!
[Laughter]
I'm getting to this point
where I am
tired of fighting she can
win them all
My father-in-law is one
of those gentleman
that no longer fights
He's always following his wife
[Laughter]
"Honey, I'll sit here"
"What?
I don't like it here?
[Laughter]
"I like to sit here?"
Ok
"I like to sit here"
[Laughter]
He did not know
[Laughter]
"Boss, bring me a
giant steak with potatoes
Radish and-
what my love?
I don't like steak?"
[Laughter and applause]
And life goes on
And you start feeling
the first symptoms of age
as we enter the last stage of life
The most important symptom
gentleman careful
is when you are
having lunch with all your family
and you say something
you never thought you would say
which is
"I would love some dessert"
[Laughter]
That's it
[Applause]
And you think to your self
what happened?
I had a baby and he's an
adult now
and my only hope is having
thought him something of importance
something that helps him grow
because in 160,000 years
the only conclusion
I have not as species
but as men is that
God damn it
it's getting worse each time
I would start by communicating
and show my feelings
Do you remember?
when you were a kid
something happened in school
and you let it all out at home
Off course you waited until
you got home
something happened in
kindergarden
and you saw your mother
[Crying like a baby]
and then...
I wasn't doing anything...
and Fernandez came... and
He pushed me... and... No!
with the booger bomb
and you would have a nap after
that and you would
wake up fresh
Can you imagine how great it would be
to trust your wife
on that level?
to be able to tell her about
your problems at work
and be able
to cry in front of her
Getting home after work and telling her
"Love, I was... at the office...
next to the... photocopy machine
and... I wasn't doing anything...
I swear... and Martin arrived...
my boss... is a motherfucker!
Have an amazing night!
and thank you!
Is it full?
I am going
I am finishing
Meditating
NARRATOR:
Ladies and gentleman
NARRATOR:
Antonio Sanint
[Applause]
Real men at least
once in their life
have been alone
at home in front of
a mirror naked
and gone like
[Laughter]
A real man hears a
cumbia and his
african heritage comes alive
He pulls out an inivisible
"vuelteado" hat
He grabs a candle burns himself
but hides it
[Laughter]
An aunt always pops
out from somewhere
and starts to dance very sexy
[Laughter]
A real man has no clue
about dancing regaeton
We have no clue no clue
For those who
think they do go to
a reggaeton party
look at the women dancing together
look sister how I "twerk" look at me
[Laughter]
Always leaning against something
Against a chair look sister look
how I go down, look at me
Behind her, there is a man who is lost
But look at us men dancing reggaeton
we can barely do this
The most we can do is raise our arms
Men don't know how
to dance reggaeton
Not even reggaeton artists
know how to dance reggaeton
Of course because it affects women
It is like the music gets
inside them and when
you get to the zone
you start with an
involuntary movement
Doesn't matter where they are
it can be an executive
doing a big presentation
while listening to reggaeton and...
Because most of us men are
very good here
Yes or no? They are very
good, comfortable, calm
everything is easy
It only took me 17 years to learn this thing
and I was starting to pull
the little pull
if you are from Bogota and you
pull you feel you are from Cali
Most of us were very good
when dancing merengue
At parties we wouldn't stop dancing
I was good at dancing this way
But try the other way
and I would lose it
Why did they changed the rules on us?
You know, this new rules
imposed by reggaeton I seen men about
my age, 32 to 45 years old
I didn't know
I didn't know men don't ask women
to dance
it's really sad
I learned this the other day
I was at a party they played reggaeton
I saw a women I liked
I was about to ask her to dance
and a friend said
What are you doing?
Today you don't do that
You just go on to the dance floor
give it your best shot
And if the woman likes you
Let her approach you
These are the new rules
Everyone on their own
She starts to dance next to you
flirt and if she
really likes you
she will let you know
And I don't know about you
but for me
when a woman brushes
against my crotch
a few times very few times
basically twice and I'm good
I get the way most men get
when we hear the national anthem
It's ok dude I'll explain later
you are not alone we are here for you
Oh, never ending glory!
You get erect and then...
So you are standing up
with all that in front
and you get ideas
Our male brain gets ideas
really inspired
I feel a connection
I'm leaving my wife
But these days this means nothing
This contact
this intimacy today
means absolutely nothing
The song is over and
the woman leaves
And I'm left alone on the dance floor
clueless, like the little dog
next door you push it away
Hey I'm not done yet!
Good evening Bogota!
Welcome to Orgasm
We all come from at least...
Why are you laughing?
I'll explain later what an
orgasm is calm down...
Orgasm... What is that?
We all come from at least one
everyone on earth
comes from at least one well...
sometimes there's two
rarely
And almost never simultaneous,
but we come from it
And I started writing this show
as a book
when my son was a teenager
I felt I needed to leave
an open channel to communicate
with him so when he asked
I could explain
Because our parents never
explained anything
My dad is from Manizales
so he had that thing
I'm from Manizales
I was never explained anything
and here I'm ok.
Why would I explain to you?
If he slips and falls
he can get up
and if he hits his head
he won't reproduce
My dad didn't always speak like that
but I did have a
conversation once
just one time in my life he said
Antonio come
let's have this conversation
man to man
and we'll get it over with
all I'm going to tell you is
it's normal for a 13-year old man
to do two things
sports and masturbation
And think you are more
into the second
That's all he said
Obviously I was full of doubts
no one tells us stuff. But women
women are always talking
communicating sharing ideas
If something happens to a
woman right away
her aunt, cousin, neighbor...
the entire support team
If a woman gets a pimple
right away three women
give her advice
use this, don't use this,
wear this skirt
it matches your pimple
They are alway there
Their social media is full
of advice
15 ways to seduce a man, nice
but 15?
15?
Show a boob, that's it!
We are men
what else did you expect?
You communicate we don't
We basically are clueless,
all the time.
Some cultures celebrate
when a girl becomes a woman
not sure if you knew this
by leaving flowers on her bed
It's nice. Cheesy but nice
What did men get?
When did we get something?
From what age to what age?
Nothing never
When our testicles
came down not even coffee
[Laughter]
You didn't know?
So you thought
they where always there?
For some they come down at birth
Others take a bit more time
and for some they never come down
But a small surgery and they come down
But the most important thing
we need to understand that
once they come down
Your nuts,
They never stop going down
[Laughter]
[Applause]
I've seen men in steam rooms
About 65-years old
How are you?
Dragging and leaving
a water trail
How are you?
But the most important thing
that happens is
I don't know if the inguinal canals
remain open not sure why
This happens to some men
when they are with
the woman we love.
Working hard
and when we are about
to stretch our neck
like a turtle
You feel...
Honey do you have them?
[Laughter]
This is what we will be talking
about tonight
That is why it's called Orgasm
we all come from at least one
because it is important to us
We all come from an orgasm
So tonight we will talk about this
with no filter
because we are all made from it
Our bodies are very similar
We all come from it
But we will speak the truth
if I may because
we are all adults
and I know that our inside voice
is being moralistic
inside your head
no matter what
talking to us. I have that inside voice
I don't know why but
my voice is a 75-year old
woman from Bogota
Not sure why
Those ladies that talk like this
"What a disgusting subject"
Those women they are half goat half fish
Hello
How are you?
How are you doing?
[Laughter]
The other things is I am
a heterosexual male
and I will speak from my experience
but I respect
every gender you want to be
I think a man is born with
a Y chromosome
and after that
you are free to decide
to be whatever you want to be
and whatever you do you
will be welcomed
respected loved and supported
and we will be proud of you
So...
[Applause]
so without further adieu
Welcome to Orgasm
We all come from at least one
[Applause]
Approximately
160,000 years ago
on the way
roaming the earth
a being
that became different from
other similar species
they were the omini.. omini...
Not while filming
[Applause]
The omi...
The omi...
Ay!
I'm stuck
You try it dude! See how you do
Basically other primates walking
on two legs there you go!
They could tell them apart
apart with two simple things
the first one was walking erect
I thought the same when I read it
I thought poor guy
Because there's two ways of
walking upright
The first one is
generally when you are
visiting your girlfriend and her mom arrives
Maria Cristina how are you?
How are doing?
[Laughter]
But the one I mean
is from science books we read
that famous graphic of the
evolution of man
In one corner a small monkey
dragging his hands on
the ground and
it starts to rise upwards,
more and more upright
and he suddenly he grabs a tool
and we get to modern men today
and as soon as these devices
appear, thanks to them
we will go back to
[Growls like a caveman]
It is proven that we communicate
using this medium more and more
text messages
instead of voice
it has been good to make us realize
the terrible spelling we all have
I hope you did well in the...
Is hope with an "h"?
Delete delete delete
What's up? Great?
Just me just me and secondly
is that we learned to use fire
we learned to light it and put it out
And those two very simple elements
catapulted us to what we are today
as a species
The question is if men
as a gender also evolved
and I'm not that sure
because all of us
men most men at least
we are always looking for a woman
the prettiest of the clan
the most special
so we could improve the species
and that happens for 160,000 years
fighting killing each other
losing empires over a fanny
Some men
don't and they go and
invent the wheel
are entrepenuers...
Little things
because if there is
a common denominator the fanny
We lost empires
the best example is Troy
Remeber Troy in school?
Troy had a very important king
called Menelao
but not Menelao from the Pacific
"Hey, I'm Menelao"
This king was very important
and had a beautiful wife
named Helena
and everyone wanted
to be with Helena
He protected her like a treasure
until an asshole milenial
vaping
Hey dude
He seduced her we don't know how
kidnapped her and took her to
the other side
Menelao got pissed
obviously and sent many to war
not one, not 50, 40,000 boats
That was some fanny right?
[Laughter]
40,000 boats
What kind of fanny was it?
The atomic fanny really
And at time they wouldn't shave right?
It was
Hello Menelao
and... puff
You had to enter like this
[Mower sound]
40,000 boats
I see you over there
with all due respect you are
a very atractive woman
How many boats have they sent you?
Man at least a motorcycle taxi something dude
And history tells us
that Menelao's consultants said
"Menelao, please,
let's not waste all that money
all those lives
there's 30,000 women
choose any fanny you want."
"No, I want Helena's fanny"
That explains the power
And Troy broke lose
and that's where the saying
comes from
"Pubic hair pulls more than a boats anchor"
[Laughter and applause]
And the other thing is that
in 160,000 years
no matter what scientific breakthrough
medical innovations
we still continue to come here
thanks to a man and a woman
that got together
and at least one came
Sometimes there's love
I wish there was always love
but unfortunately
for there to be life
love is not neccesary
an orgasm is needed
that is essential
In other words for there
to be life
at some point, a man
had to do this face
[Laughter]
We are all here today
thanks to a man who
at some point did this
[Laughter]
That is the importance of an orgasm
Each time a man makes this face
thousands of sperm cells are shot
at 50 kilometers per hour
500 million sperm
with only one objective
the ovule
and 99.9% of them do not
even make it to the vagina
I mean 99.9% remain
in a sock
[Laughter]
in an eye
[Laughter]
In an amygdala
Anyways
[Laughter]
Dude what are we doing in the colon?
I don't know
500 million
is like the population of America
imagine that we all
were sperm cells because they need
to be doing something
you can not be all day like this
they need to be doing something
maybe there's a theatre in the left testicle
a spermatozoon comedian
"Have you realized how difficult
it is to swim without a tail?"
[Laughter and applause]
And all of the sudden
an alarm rings and
everybody goes from America
to Europe it is like the distance
these guys have to travel
and those who arrive
not even half
some do not even make
it to the ocean
some swim as much as
they can and
the number decreases little by little
a very select group remains that
reaches the egg
But from those only one arrives
All of us have been
that spermatozoon that arrives
and the first thing it does
when it sees that great egg is
he turns to look at the others
and he does
[Laughter]
And the spermatozoon
enters and gives
their genetic information
where they come from
and they have 23 chromosomes
I thought there were more
no the eggs puts another 23
our genetic information is created
by 46 chromosomes
Our genetic information
and characteristics are added
like a cards game
"I add the black hair...
brown eyes height 1.70 meters what?
yes he is from Colombia oh okay"
[Laughter]
Alzheimer
Ok
my mother's bad temper
if I don't add it she gets mad
and that is all of our
genetic information
and when the genetic
map is complete
The egg divides in two cells
and it divides again
always in pairs
2, 4, 8, 16, 32, 64
a hundred and something
[Laughter]
That's why I do this man
And at the fourth week
there is already a being
with a miniature heart
pumping blood and oxigen to
all the new cells
and at that point men
and women are the same
no gender yet
and that is why all men
have nipples
I don't know women
if you know but this
in men serves no purpose
Right? Stop insisting here
really
sucking for an hour and
you are like
What? Darling if
it arouses you go on
This is your sexual discovery not mine
go on
and 6 weeks later
we want to know the gender
the Y chromosome
and see wether its a boy or a girl so
you go to the sonographist and I
want to clarify
the other day a doctor said
to me Antonio
We study medicine for 10 years and
then radiology
so you have to be respectful
no, no, so yes
so after clarifying that you go
to the sonogradiologist
and they often are overly sweet
because they deal with
babies and parents
"Daddy and mommy, come in
[Laughter]
Oh! Mommy is going to lay down here
Let's uncover the big belly that...
pretty mommy has we are going to
apply some gel, yes cold, very cold!"
and they take out that machine
[Machine sounds]
And Zing! your child appears
on the screen
nowadays the ecographies are
3D you can see every detail eyebrows
nose everything
Back in the day the screen
showed
an alien
emerged from the dark like
[Laughter]
We will be proud parents
of an extraterrestrial
no big deal
and the sonogradiologist
so they start measuring everything
with the mouse
"okay, here we ..."
have the humerus
very good and here the skull
and here's the sex of the baby
it's a boy let's measure it
Wow! daddy can be proud"
And one can't help but
say the worst joke
of the world just like daddy!
And at nine months one
ends up in a
delivery room
nervous but with
a lot of excitement
because your child is
about to be born
and I recommend fathers be close
it is beautiful
there are all sorts of new emotions
you have never felt before
new colors new smells
things that you will never smell
in your life
Be there
it is a beautigul moment
but I recommend something and
it is that when you are there
be on this side
It isn't worth it to look over there
because, usually
you like to be there
but if that day you look
you don't want to come back
because, for us, it is like a cat
small and cute
but that day
its a carnivorous plant
[Laughter]
Spitting out a melon
Do not worry
[Laughter and applause]
So avoid that
and be there with her keeping
her company and doing all
the exercises we learned in the psyco-
prenatal classes and
[Laughter]
be there
breathing with them loving them
they are the mother of
your children
She is there
sometimes but
other times she is not
It is the exorcist
[Monster sounds and laughter]
You are doing great love
push push!
and she pushes
And it looks fun
so you push
[Monster sounds and laughter]
and the nurse joins as well
[Monster sounds and laughter]
And we all
And thanks to our combined effort
The baby is born
[Laughter and applause]
And time stops
and suddenly the doctor
a horrible
creature
Yes!
Horrible!
Don't worry
it becomes pretty over time
some need a week others a month
some never get prettier
Here, nature divides us in
men and women
It is beautiful because
women have something
that us men are miles
away of understanding
an unconditional love
mother's love it
it doesn't matter what
comes out of her they will
see it as the most beautiful being
but us we see a larva
It isn't their fault
they just passed
through a hole that
When they are born
they come neckless
elongated skull
swollen eyes purple lips
hysterical
[Crying baby sounds
and laughter]
And you see them and say
Love, they were not ready
[Laughter]
We needed about 12 more months
Doctor
Is it possible to put it back in?
and from the first moment
mothers have instinct and they
know how to hold a baby
how to feed them
put them to sleep
we as men need to learn
we need to adapt
At first we lift them as
if they were a box
of nitroglycerin
if we are allowed to
get close no?
because we have to understand
from the moment a child is
born we won't
be more than a
diaper caddy
[Laughter]
Of course because the attention
is in
the mother producing life
important and when
she enters the family's house
she will have a procession of
people that follows her
"I want to see the baby"
And at the end of that procession
we find the good for nothing with
the diaper bag
[Laughter]
Men are so pathetic
that carrying a diaper bag
makes us feel important
What do you need, honey?
Diapers I have diapers
diaper, diaper, diaper, wipes
Bottle? bottle bottle!
The baby lives thanks to me
Initially we don't really get it
we need to learn
because we are still a bit hurt
because we have been
promised a son
But initially they do nothing
They don't want to play video
games or soccer
The baby is just there
[Laughter]
You grab a ball
and go,
kick it kick it
No?
Ok play goalie then
[Laughter]
Oh, cry baby!
But then something magic happens
we understand our role
in their life
and we fall in love
I have a son
named Alejandro
that I love with all my soul
We became buddies
and there is a moment
when you learn
how to play the game
days go by
and you enjoy being together
And that perfect love
between father and son
lasts
13 years
[Laughter]
Mother nature is wise
One day you hold a perfect baby
with big eyes
that say daddy and you melt
And that is a strategy from
mother nature
so when they become teenagers
we can't kill them!
[Laughter]
Because by then you want to
Who has teenage kids right now?
Raise your hands
I'm seeing faces of
happiness all around
[Laughter]
Yes it's not easy they
are adolescents
The word adolecer means
lacking something
They are not kids or adults
They are in a limbo
like zombies
They drag their feet
they use their arms like this
a hunger all day long
Their jaw unhinged
Where are you going?
They do the bare minimum
[Monster sounds and laughter]
Fridge fridge
They get frustrated
by almost everything
[Laughter]
It's understandable they are
going through changes
Here comes chromosome Y
again filling the body
with testosterone
that fills the bone structure
of a man a bit bigger
our throat gets larger
adam's apple pops out
and we talk deeper
And we get lots of hair
Those that could grow hair
[Laughter]
I can't help it
I have no hair Never got it
and my dad unfortunately
never explained that there is
no relationship
between having hair
and being a man
But when you are a teen
you see your hairy friends
all over their body like monkeys
One thinks, wow!
So I have no hair
maybe I'm not a man
in our country
there is a phrase that
defines a man
It says hairy chested man
has a whirlpool up his ass
and foam when peeing
[Monster sounds and laughter]
Actually, I've never understood
why a whirlpool up his ass
What is that?
I searched online
"whirlpool up my ass"
to see what came up
Someone here with a
whirlpool up their ass
Can you explain the meaning?
[Laughter]
Worst of all
parents should be there
to help us understand
to say having more or less hair
is not a measure of your manhood nope
So you have to aks your friends
I had one
He was Arabic very hairy
Hairy all over his body
Their beard would go right up
to their chest
They shave all the way down
But at noon hair would grow again
[Laughter]
I wanted to be hairy So I said
dude share your secret
Do you Arabs use something?
He said, of course, oil.
Shit!
[Laughter]
You can't imagine the faith
I had in it I would go to
bed everyday
smeared in oil
praying to god tomorrow
there is a sprout
Let me wake up
God and see a small hair
But nothing
All my adolescence
Nothing
Lots of red lots of red
I would stink like gasoline obviously
One day my dad said
"Do you secretly want
to be a mechanic?
Or what?
[Laughter]
And then we start to change
but the changes are not overnight
Generally they start in
our extremities
One day you have a boy
walking around
he house and the other day
his hands grow
[Laughter]
They don't know what
to do with them
Where do they put their hands?
Hi how are you?
How have you been?
And by the next week their feet
look like a Tyrannosaurus
[Dinosaur sound and laughter]
And we are full of pimples
And our teeth get crooked
I don't know why
so we get braces
and wires that don't allow us
to close our mouth
and our nose
grows like a separate entity
[Laughter]
One day you answer the phone
Hello!
[Laughter]
My voice changed
[Laughter]
Mom they thought I was my dad
[Laughter]
Oh my god!
There is nothing more ugly
than a teenager
[Laughter]
No what Really
[Applause]
Sorry
if we have adolescents in the
audience but, really
In all species have you seen
an adolescent chicken?
Adolescent chicken?
It is no longer the yellow
cute doormat
and it isn't the cock with the attitude
the feathers
and the comb
No, it's something in the middle
[Laughter]
Tiny wings
with bald patches all over
The yellow is dirty
three hairs here
giant beak
[Chicken sounds and laughter]
It's so ugly that
the mother hen tells
the chicks pass. by quickly
Don't talk to him go quickly
It's not me
And here comes
the hardest paradigm
of our life
because the time of our
life that we are
the ugliest adolescence
it's when we are most horny
We only have one thing in mind
sex
sex, ass, ass, boob, boob
ass, ass, ass
and in school they demand from us
as if we had the capacity
of understanding something else
The teacher
"today we are studying breasts"
[Laughter]
"Teacher said breasts"
Breasts
[Laughter]
"I need to go to the bathroom"
At this point we start going
to the bathroom
A lot
I asked several doctors and they said
Not only it's normal it's healthy
So let's understand that mothers
adolescent children relax
It's normal
if you find the door closed
knock
[Laughter]
Don't be like... Hi love how are...
No!
In a house with adolescents
you need to knock
and you wait at least
45 minutes
[Laughter]
We need to evolve
don't be like my mother
She saw me enter the bathroom
and started yelling
"Antonio, I want you clapping"
[Laughter]
No, Pablo,
"If I don't do something he is
going to kill himself in the bathroom"
"Antonio, I don't hear you clapping"
and you are inside
[Laughter and applause]
It's fine relax
it's the 21st century
It does not matter
how we call it
Masturbation, jerking off
jack off
[Laughter]
Spanking the monkey,
whacking off
Polishing the rocket
[Laughter]
Chocking the chicken
tossin the salad
How ever you want to call it
[Laughter]
It's natural
all men masturbate
Yes all women too
Why are you clapping?
masturbation?
[Laughter]
All men masturbate
just as all women masturbate
Did you feel it?
asses clenched
[Laughter]
It's normal it happens
to everybody
That's the little voice
No!
[Laughter]
"What a distasteful joke"
[Laughter]
I am not a doctor
I am not a sexologist
I am not a sociologist nothing
I'm a comedian and I react
to what I see
Don't you find it strange
that in the 21st century
we men have a thousand
nicknames for masturbating
nicknames for masturbating
but for women
none?
Do we?
[Laughter]
I will throw one out
It will be my contribution
to humanity
Smash the green bean
[Laughter]
I mean I think it looks like
a green bean
and you smash it
And that is the age when
you define your sexuality
Not before not after
Some men like I said before
prefer to explore it with other
men and we won't judge
on the contrary it is time
to accept each other
100% acceptance everyone
I have a message
If any young man is going
through his process
that is not easy I know
Don't leave come out of the closet
[Laughter]
I just said we would support you
[Laughter]
Where are you going? The bathroom?
[Laughter]
I have a separate message for him
Feel proud of who you are
of what makes you happy
But if someone next to you
doesn't get you
doesn't respect you
doesn't feel proud
that person is not worth being next to
[Applause]
Having clarified this
I will speak about
hereterosexuals
that from time to time
when we feel
homosexual confusion
It's just me!
Only me!
Every man from time to time
at least once in a lifetime
we've been in front of a very
handsome man
good looking very attractive
and we've had some thoughts
Shit I'm gay!
[Laughter]
Ok. What's up?
How are you?
All good?
You smell great!
Shall we take the pot?
Let's stop goofing around
nothing will turn us into
something we don't want
There are no rules
all people want is
Happy happy
That's it
They are no recruiting relax
And here
is where we find love Our teens
And the cycle comes full circle
we look for an orgasm
to reproduce
and love comes around
It's hard because we
come from different
places generally But we also
need to understand
that genders are different
We have fought for equality
we are almost at that point
we must have the same rights
there is no doubt about it
and winning is the same.
But we are different
and that's ok
Men have something women
definetely don't have
warm feet
[Laughter]
I have no idea
what you have from the knee down
What a cold thing
really
Is that a reptile mutation?
really
Your are on bed
flipping channels
Watching the futbol match
minding your own business
when half an hour later she arrives
[Laughter]
"Darling, could you warm my..."
[Laughter]
It's so so so cold!
What?
Where? Where did
you go for tea?
To Alaska by foot?
[Laughter]
I decided to investigate to see why
is that I searched on the internet
and I didn't know this
It is because
women in the evening
after 6pm are incapable
of producing heat
Because of the reptile mutation
[Laughter]
So they latch
onto your body
[Suction sounds]
and absorb heat to remain
alive until the next day
[Laughter]
You didn't know eitherl?
And you start falling asleep
[Laughter]
Not asleep
but unconscious
really
The problem with my wife
is that she falls asleep
next to me
and forgets to unplug
So all night
she absorbs
[Suction sounds]
And by 3 in the morning she has
sucked more heat
than she needs
[Laughter and applause]
She is very hot
So she gets rid of the blanket
She start with her cooling dance
She lifts her hair
and fans her neck
because she swears
that on her neck
there are vents
[Laughter]
Of course to cool down her CPU
[Laughter]
And she cools down again
grabs the blanket
like a boa constrictor and
takes them all
And all that
that movement leaves us
5 cm before the edge
of the bed
But we don't dare to complain
Because at 3 in the morning
if she wakes up and we are asleep
She will wake you up
Furious I'm hot!
So you lay there afraid
in the corner and doesn't dare to
say anything because
you don't love her
"Honey, I don't know where
the blanket went
I'm cold
Can I have some?
It's ok honey the tag
is good enough
Don't worry
And from this place
from these 5 centimeters
all men have heard
from the woman we love
something coming out
that makes her human
like all of us
[Flatulance sounds]
[Laughter]
Don't pretend
don't pretend you don't know
It's just in my house? Well
[Laughter]
[Flatulance sounds]
[Laughter]
Small sweet
Not manly at all
[Laughter]
[Flatulance sounds]
[Laughter]
Melodic
Like a rainbow comes from it
purple giraffes gallop
they stink
[Laughter and applause]
At the same time
you women have something
we don't light years
you have a great orgasm
Something beautiful potent
with different frequencies
up and down
If a woman's orgasm was a song
it would need to be
an opera
[Voice of tenor]
with highs and lows
If a men's orgasm was a song
it would need to be a carranga
[Sound of carranga and laughter]
Don't touch me don't touch me
[Laughter]
Why is it like that for us?
all that effort the fear
the struggle talking to her
taking her out
for maybe grabbing a boob
and then in 2 seconds
No!
it's not fair!
and it is physiognomic
we have different hormones
with different functions
really have you seen
with all due respect women
I will try
to explain men
what a female orgasm is
Don't worry I've been there
[Laughter]
Yes
not only once
twice
[Laughter]
More than you
Have you seen a female orgasm?
The face of a woman
after the climax?
Me neither
but it doesn't matter
[Laughter]
It's divine
Look I'll explain It's rather different
because for women
it's not only physical
but everything is connected
It starts from the center of the earth
with a small tremble
and it starts rising
[Boiling sounds]
and it goes through all
the layers of the earth
until it arrives to
that one at the top and it's
transmited to her feet
spreading through her body and
when it reaches this zone
a beatiful pair of wings unfold
[Laughter]
and she floats towards the stratosphere
and she stays there in pleasure
beautiful divine
And if she wants
she has the capacity
to stay up there
and we have been taught
that she can go up over
and over again
With the first, she is only starting
We can go up there
once
[Laughter]
Because we have a hormone
named oxytocin
that when we get up there
we plummet exhausted
[Laughter]
Why would I want to go back up?
No, thank you
[Laughter]
With all the effort I needed to get there
[Laughter]
We need to be generous
One day, some years ago, my son
asked me "dad, how do I
make love to a woman?"
I said "I don't know"
[Laughter]
"That's what internet is for"
and I looked for a way
to explain to him
because as men
we can be brutes
to understand that style of things
And I said, my son
likes videogames
and he is a DJ
so I said to him first
Relax take it easy because
we have something
I call
the driller syndrome
If it was for us
"Hi, I'm-
[Drill sounds]
Relax
take it easy
Women make love with five senses
Put some candles dim the lights
play some music
and understand that this is 10
There are numbers for
erogenous zones
This is 8
7 neck
And back here is 7 5
And the glutes have several
nerve endings
this is 9 2
Feel the flow
And make combos
[Laughter]
I love your laugh Andrea
No because
I don't know if you know
a woman's laughter
comes from the same
place in the brain
as her orgasm
[Laughter]
Then play and make combos
7, 5, 8, 2, 8, 2, 7,5, 9, 8
10,10,10,10
And you will see that
flower opening
and remain there so that
at the end she takes you
by the ears and scream "Now!"
[Screams and laughter]
But not yet
We can earn extra points
There is another style
of orgasm
If you want you must go down
"What did he say?
I didn't understand"
[Laughter]
Go down
Some men don't like it
Do you think that women love it?
[Gagging sounds]
[Laughter]
That they always dream of it?
No
[Laughter]
They do it because
they care about us
So if you're going down
the only rule
soldiers is to be ready to stay
there for a long time
Let's dive in with a tent
and water bottle
[Laughter and applause]
Let's spend
so much time down there that
the next day
someone sees us
and can't help asking
what happened?
[Laughter]
I don't know what happened to me
[Laughter]
I feel nothing below my nose
Nothing!
But she loved it
[Laughter]
Tonight
she wants more I'm scared
[Laughter]
I asked
many couples when I was
writing my book
many couples
with 35 years and more
What is the secret
to last that long?
and it was nice because besides
of love and passion
two things caught my attention
One is men we need to understand
and the faster the better
men don't win arguments
[Applause]
The faster
we understand that the happier
we'll be
because fights are
won with arguments
and to have a valid agrument
you need data
and there's no being the
face of this earth that
accumulates more data
[Laughter]
than women
systematically their brains have multiple
alphabetically numbered slots
with smells colors
things you have
said in the past
[Laughter]
and in a fight
like a ninja she will bring
them all back
[Simulated sounds knives flying]
and we will try to retaliate with data
that is on our nightstand
that doesn't open very well
I want to confess something
We deep down not men
don't like to fight
We like to scold it's different
Pure testosterone!
[Grumpy voice]
Lights... turn them off...
what a mess
[Applause]
The other thing is that men
this will surprise you
We don't know when the fight starts
[Laughter]
One day you are
spreading butter on the bread
in the kitchen
Calm
All of the sudden we are in the
middle of a fight
Throwing data
"Remember?
at your parents house
September 23rd
you had a blue tie"
and we think
that we can bring the
angry man to the fight
[Grumpy voice]
But they're not scared because they can
shut him up with one question
that requires data they
know we don't have
"really? tell me when?"
[Laughter]
Another thing
is that your wife
won't be
too different from your
mother-in-law in 30 years
Good
I saw another face around here
that said: "Shit, I screwed up!"
The apple doesn't fall
too far from the tree
and if you want to know
how you will be in 30 years
don't look at your dad
Look at your father-in-law
[Erupted laughter]
That's what you'll become!
[Laughter]
I'm getting to this point
where I am
tired of fighting she can
win them all
My father-in-law is one
of those gentleman
that no longer fights
He's always following his wife
[Laughter]
"Honey, I'll sit here"
"What?
I don't like it here?
[Laughter]
"I like to sit here?"
Ok
"I like to sit here"
[Laughter]
He did not know
[Laughter]
"Boss, bring me a
giant steak with potatoes
Radish and-
what my love?
I don't like steak?"
[Laughter and applause]
And life goes on
And you start feeling
the first symptoms of age
as we enter the last stage of life
The most important symptom
gentleman careful
is when you are
having lunch with all your family
and you say something
you never thought you would say
which is
"I would love some dessert"
[Laughter]
That's it
[Applause]
And you think to your self
what happened?
I had a baby and he's an
adult now
and my only hope is having
thought him something of importance
something that helps him grow
because in 160,000 years
the only conclusion
I have not as species
but as men is that
God damn it
it's getting worse each time
I would start by communicating
and show my feelings
Do you remember?
when you were a kid
something happened in school
and you let it all out at home
Off course you waited until
you got home
something happened in
kindergarden
and you saw your mother
[Crying like a baby]
and then...
I wasn't doing anything...
and Fernandez came... and
He pushed me... and... No!
with the booger bomb
and you would have a nap after
that and you would
wake up fresh
Can you imagine how great it would be
to trust your wife
on that level?
to be able to tell her about
your problems at work
and be able
to cry in front of her
Getting home after work and telling her
"Love, I was... at the office...
next to the... photocopy machine
and... I wasn't doing anything...
I swear... and Martin arrived...
my boss... is a motherfucker!
Have an amazing night!
and thank you!