Appropriate Behavior (2014) Movie Script
Don't forget this.
That was a present for you.
I don't feel comfortable
holding on to it.
What am I supposed
to do with it?
Throw it away.
Fine.
We were an "it" couple.
Not really.
Like when we'd go to parties
and there was dancing,
we'd start dancing
and everyone would
make a circle around us
and watch us dance.
Okay.
Okay, why don't you tell me
what you need, Shirin?
I need my girlfriend back.
Dude, I really think
you just need to mourn this
and move on.
I really want to eat
my feelings right now.
You know what?
I think that's an amazing idea.
Why don't we order
all the fatty, disgusting foods
we never let ourselves eat?
Okay.
Hey, girls.
How you doin' today?
Hey.
Fantastic.
And you?
Uh, what's your name?
Brendan.
Brendan.
Hey, I'm crystal.
Hey, crystal.
What can I get you today?
Um, let me see.
I would love an...
Unsweetened glass of iced tea.
No problem.
Thank you.
And can I just have one
of those complimentary mints
I saw by the entrance
and a glass of ice water
and a little bit of lemon
in there.
Okay.
Thank you so much.
Thanks, Brendan.
Mmm, delish.
Mmm, can't wait.
I'm dead inside.
Can you tell
just by looking at me
that I'm dead inside?
I really think
you had to end it.
I mean, she wasn't even
fucking you towards the end.
Maybe it was a phase.
Thanks, Brendan.
How about "Giraffe"?
What about "safe word"?
Like the word "safe word"
as our safe word?
Let's cut out the middleman,
'cause what happens
if you forget your safe word?
Okay, then,
the safe word is "safe word."
Great.
Let's do this.
What's the scenario?
I'm your tax auditor.
Okay.
Miss?
Yes?
Can you please
fill out this form?
All right.
Miss?
Yes?
I've been a bad
small-business owner.
What seems to be the problem?
I don't have any of my receipts
from June until August,
and I'm gonna
have to be punished.
That's actually easily remedied.
If you'll just fill in
the larger expenses in Section C
and cross-check them
with Section B.
Maxine.
What?
You are killing the sexy.
I'm just--
I'm not into role play.
That's-- that's okay.
I'm vanilla.
Don't say that.
It true.
I'm not kinky.
Hey.
Look at me.
I like vanilla.
I'm not really in the mood.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Banal sex shouldn't start
until at least a year
into a relationship.
I moved in too soon.
When are you going back to work?
I'm not.
No!
The only reason they hired me
in the first place
is 'cause they wanted
a middle eastern person
on staff.
Now that Yahveh's in editorial,
everyone's gushing
over how Syrian she is.
I'm not letting you fall
into a bottomless pit
of despair and unemployment
on my couch.
Nothing brings me joy.
Well... I think this guy
I know is hiring.
Let me talk to him.
And are you gonna go look
at that apartment
in Bushwick later?
I can't. I have to
go see my parents.
Oh, my God!
Can I come?
Your dad is so hot.
I just want to, like, paint him.
Ugh, no.
That is exactly
why you cannot come.
So, uh...
So, in the afternoon,
I took an appendix,
and I rewired it on this kid
who had no control
of his own urine.
Stop.
Wow.
No, no, no, we made him dry.
But now he has to pee
out of his belly button.
Please stop.
This is fascinating.
Not while we're eating.
Yeah, it can wait
until after, right?
Okay.
Did you see Ali's picture
of the sex-reassignment
surgery?
No, I didn't, 'cause
I deleted it the minute
I read "intestine vagina"
in the subject.
They're interesting
pictures.
Yeah, they are.
Show them.
Please don't do this.
I don't understand why
he had to go into urology.
It's because he loves
the penises so much.
Funny, dad.
Here you go.
Check it out.
Ugh!
Oh, my God.
What?
Take a look at it.
You're not even looking at it.
Please put that away.
I don't want to see it.
She doesn't want to see it.
Put it away.
Okay, suit yourself.
Layli.
Yes?
Ali says that you just started
your fellowship.
That's right.
Plastic surgery.
Mm-hmm.
Isn't it weird, though?
Like, he's dealing
with life-and-death situations
every day,
and then you're with
these middle-aged housewives
with low self-esteem.
Layli is a pediatric
reconstructive plastic surgeon.
I actually--
Uh, I specialize
in burn treatment
and skin grafting.
Cool.
I heard you are working
at "The Brooklyn Paper."
Yeah.
Um, I'm actually thinking
about transitioning
into another field.
So, let me get this straight.
You got a masters in journalism,
and now you're gonna do
Jack shit with it?
She can still use her degree.
She's so talented.
Thank you.
She was the only freshman
in high school
who could swim
on the varsity team.
And she didn't even
take lessons.
Wow, that's a real
resume builder right there.
Yeah, this body's made
for swimming.
Look at these shoulders.
That's enough.
Thank you.
And look at those hands.
Please stop.
Aren't they stunning?
They're beautiful hands.
You know, you should get
into hand modeling.
Ah.
But I just don't know
how people get started.
It's who you know.
A masters in journalism,
that's how you get started.
I would literally like to
talk about anything else.
Okay, how's your love life?
Any boys we should know about?
No.
No boys at all.
Oh, thank God I don't have to
get my shotgun ready then.
Good one, dad.
Oh, God.
Ken?
Hey.
Ginny.
Shirin.
Shirin.
What is that? Libyan?
Armenian? Argentinean?
Iranian.
Oh, Iranian.
Wow. Iran.
What do you think
of that whole situation?
It's a mixed bag.
A lot of very
good-intentioned people
dealing with some
difficult circumstances.
You get over there
very often?
Yeah.
Actually, I go in the summers
to visit family.
Wow.
Okay, so tell me,
what is the scene like
in Tehran?
I just read this big article
about the underground
hip-hop scene in "Vice."
Yeah.
So, you're part of that?
No. Unfortunately, I spend
most of my time in Iran
watching Disney videos
with my grandmother
while she untangles jewelry.
Yeah, I got myself some coffee.
Do you want something to drink?
No, thanks.
I am buzzed on skunk right now.
Nice.
So, crystal tells me
you are an artist.
Yes.
Yeah, I am.
You're a video artist.
Mm-hmm.
Great.
So, I don't know
what crystal has told you,
but I'm looking for someone
reliable to take over
an afterschool filmmaking class.
It's with a bunch of kids,
and they're really great
and so smart
and, uh, just creative.
And really, all you have to do
is just show them
how to hold a camera.
I can do that, yeah.
So, what is your schedule like?
Completely open.
Perfect.
All right, well,
may I say let's do this?
Okay.
Great.
Don't fuck me over.
Okay.
You told him I was a filmmaker?
You said you needed a job.
How do you know this guy anyway?
He's that investment banker
in my parents' building
I used to hook up with
in high school.
Oh, my God.
He's that guy.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, so he lost his job,
became a stay-at-home dad,
and got into light drugs.
Good for him.
So, do you have a lesson plan?
What is this, Germany?
They're park slope teens.
I could lock 'em in a room
with a half-eaten apple
and a tic tac
and come back
to the "Mona Lisa."
Wh-- why are we stopping?
Oh, I have to take care
of something.
You wait out here.
No, no, no, wait.
Oh, please don't do this.
You said that no amount
of wholesale spelt Sushi
was worth the emotional toll
of being here.
She's here all the time.
They don't even offer
paper bags.
It's surprising how,
uh, lonely it gets
when you're single again,
especially when you live
with someone.
You get so used to their habits
and their lifestyle
and their smells,
but, um, I really
joined the co-op
to spend time with her,
'cause, let's be honest,
it's not the most pleasant
place to work in the world.
But if I really want Maxine
back in my life,
I'm gonna have to do
whatever it takes,
and that means getting back
onto her co-op shift,
and that's where you come in.
It-- it says in your file
that you haven't worked
a shift in four months.
Extenuating circumstances.
I've had a very broken heart.
Look, all members are entitled
to one free pass
after a delinquency,
but I cannot get you
onto her shift.
It's all booked.
I'm sorry,
I didn't catch your name.
Jackie.
Hi, Jackie.
Um...
The last time I checked,
this is a cooperative.
Why don't you go ahead
and cooperate with me,
and I'll cooperate with you.
But how do you get them
so curly?
Let's go.
It was so nice meeting you.
Shirin told me you're an artist.
Landscaping or portraits?
I specialize in
experimental installations,
and Jacques is currently
focusing on sandcastle work
integrating found objects.
We're done with the boxes.
I'm coming.
It was so nice meeting you.
There's no toilet paper.
Hey, you guys can go.
I feel like I'm 17
and you're moving me
back into college.
I wish.
That dorm was much nicer.
This is what it is
to find a place
on short notice in Brooklyn.
At least you have
a sexy roommate.
Felicia? I find her
a bit terrifying.
No, I'm talking about
the boy-- Jacques.
Your new roommates are freaks.
Hey, is this how you say hello?
Hi.
Can we tell her?
Tell me what?
I'm proposing to Layli.
Why?
Hey.
Shirin.
I'm not saying
you shouldn't do it.
It's just...
He's very young.
He's 33.
I was only 19
when I married your father.
Well, this isn't the Islamic
Republic of Iran, mom.
Do you see a hijab on my head?
What is wrong with you?
Nothing.
You're acting like a brat.
Stop it.
You're bringing
a lot of negative energy
into my new home.
Oh, this is not a home.
This is a refugee camp.
Seriously,
what are you doing here?
You don't know what a cool
Brooklyn loft looks like.
I just don't understand
why you left your old apartment.
The neighborhood
was so much better.
It got too expensive.
We would have helped you.
This is my new home,
and I love it.
Okay.
Ali, come.
Help me in the kitchen.
Okay, but I'm not
touching anything.
I'm sure the girl
who let me in has hep c.
Dad?
Yeah?
I'm worried about Ali.
I think he's jumping
into marriage
because he thinks he has to.
He's got classic
older child syndrome.
He'll do anything
to make you and mom happy.
She has no goals
or aspirations.
She takes nothing seriously.
She's becoming a loser.
Lower your voice.
She has this, like,
younger child thing.
I'm telling you,
you need to be on top of that.
You don't think
I'm doing my best?
She's not easy.
He's, like, burying his emotions
deep beneath the surface,
and, like, one day,
he could pull a gun
on his coworkers.
I think she has
self-esteem issues.
Yeah, no kidding.
When was the last time
she had a boyfriend?
That Virginia tech kid
was just trying to please
his strict Korean parents.
It's not like she's dumb
or super unattractive.
I mean, she's perfectly
capable of being normal.
I don't want him
to find himself,
like, ten years from now,
fat, bald,
and in a loveless marriage
because he was rushing to become
the world's best Iranian son.
The men in our family
don't go bald.
Oh, I don't need
new reading material.
I'm only up to book two
of the "Twilight" series.
I'm broadening your horizons.
This is some
pretty serious stuff here.
I'm asking you to read
some books.
You don't need to get
your septum pierced.
Yet.
Oh, hey.
Um, excuse me,
this is actually
the Brooklyn kids
movie maker class.
I think you have the wrong room.
No, this right.
I'm a movie director.
See you at five.
And I'm gonna poop.
No! Don't!
Kujo, could you
please hold--
Put down the truck
and hold the camera.
Stop throwing.
I don't think
you can fit it all.
Hey, Kujo, the lens is
way too close to your butt.
Oh, you're on OkCupid.
My taxidermist met
her husband on that site.
I'm just looking for someone
to make my girlfriend jealous.
We're on a break.
Good luck.
Felicia?
Yes?
You're in a long-term,
seemingly healthy relationship.
Can you tell me,
how do people meet,
agree they like each other,
and then... keep on
liking each other?
Shared interests?
Jacques and I met
at occupy Chelsea.
I'm gonna lie here
and try to forget
what it felt like to be loved.
Could you please
turn off the light?
Feel better.
Thank you.
Hey.
Hi.
You want a cigarette?
I don't smoke.
Yeah, me neither.
What are you doing out here?
Social anxiety.
What about you?
More or less the same.
I'm Shirin.
Maxine.
It's nice to meet you.
I love dykes.
Nice.
I mean it.
You know that-- that word
is incredibly offensive.
Oh, I'm bisexual,
so it's okay if I say it.
No, it's still offensive.
You know how I meant it.
Doesn't matter how you meant it.
Tomato, to-mah-to.
What are you drinking?
I filled this water bottle
with Tequila.
Classy.
I'm drinking with a purpose.
Yeah?
This guy
with whom I recently
had an unfortunate sexual
encounter showed up,
and now I feel uncomfortable.
I just hate the way dudes get
when they can't maintain
an erection.
What do they get like?
Oh, are you a gold star?
No, I've had sex with men,
just, um, not the kind
who go soft.
Touche.
It's the worst.
They shut down,
and they get
all mopey and offended
when you make jokes.
Yeah, it's so weird
the way men don't enjoy
humor at the expense
of their penises.
Do you want some?
Sure.
I think you're hot.
Thanks.
I know that I don't look
like I'm into girls
and that I was just talking
about being a boner killer,
but I am super sexy
and super into girls.
Really?
Yeah.
I like girls like you.
Like me?
You know, like, manly,
but also a little bit
like a lady.
Nice.
Thank you.
Um...
Are you having lady problems?
What makes you think
I'm having lady problems?
Because it's new year's Eve
and you're heading out
before the countdown.
Maybe I'm heading out
to meet the person
I'm gonna kiss at midnight.
You're gonna be hella late
'cause it's like,
two minutes away.
What's her name?
Linda.
She sounds like a cunt.
We're going out
for a couple months,
and we decided
to move in together.
Naturally.
And four days
after I break my lease
and sell everything I own,
she tells me she misses her ex,
and what the fuck
am I supposed to do
with that information?
That sucks.
Just having trouble dealing
with, like, Brooklyn parties
and everyone talking about
their Kickstarter campaigns,
and did you see that guy
with the waxed Dali mustache?
I mean, what the fuck
is that guy's problem?
Who the fuck
does he think he is?
I find your anger
incredibly sexy.
Really?
I hate so many things too.
Wow.
Ken. Hi.
Oh! Hey, hi.
How are you?
I'm good, thank you.
Carrington, this is Shayla.
I'm Shirin. Hi.
Oh...
Sorry, man.
I'm stoned.
Oh, that's okay.
Want a j?
No, I'm cool.
Thanks.
Listen, um...
I'm a terrible teacher.
No.
Yes, I am.
Uh, the kids hate me.
They're a good ten years younger
than I thought they'd be,
and I can't get them to listen.
You can't take it
personally, dude.
They're five.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I have three kids.
I don't know what I'm doing.
It's just fake it
'til you make it.
I've lost Carrington,
like, what, four times?
Right, bro?
Just do your best, okay?
Okay.
Hey.
I believe in you, Cher.
Thank you.
They have no idea
you're bisexual?
I'm sorry, what country is it
that you get stoned to death
if you're convicted
of being gay?
Oh, yeah.
Wait, I know.
It's Iran,
the country that my
entire family comes from.
You can't keep playing
the Persian card
every time we have an argument.
You need to see for yourself
how difficult it is to be
the child of immigrants.
I would love to.
Great.
Then you're coming
to a Persian new year party
this weekend in New Jersey.
Am I coming as your date?
God, no.
You're definitely coming
as my white friend.
Do you think
I have a death wish?
You know you're gonna
have to wear a dress.
No.
Good. Now you're
gonna send 'em?
Yes.
It's like we just stepped
into Liberace's wet dream.
Isn't it spectacular?
You know I don't like
being in enclosed spaces
where I can't detect
any visibly gay people.
Well, I'm pretty sure
Uncle Neema's harboring
some bi-curious
tendencies.
You talk to him
about it?
Oh, God, no.
Persians communicate
mostly through gossip.
Shirin?
Oh, my God! Hi!
Hi!
Hi!
Maxine, this is Mitra,
Yassi, Meenu, and Yassi.
Guys, this is my friend Maxine.
Hey.
Hey. Oh, my God,
you look amazing.
Right. Next to you, I look
like a busboy from chili's.
Oh, no way.
You're practically a model.
Yeah, you're right.
Like a "before" model
for Accutane.
Uh, I would kill
for your height.
And I would sell my firstborn
for your skin.
Stop it.
You stop it.
We need to get together more.
I haven't seen you since
your grandmother's funeral.
How's your father?
You know, he's okay,
but then sometimes
he'll cry out of nowhere,
and I'll be like,
"dad, what's going on with you?
You're emasculating
yourself."
Oh, my God! Roya?
What just happened?
You were in the middle
of a sentence.
Yeah, every time I see her,
she compliments the way I look,
she asks one personal question,
and then she walks away
while I answer.
And who's she
talking to now?
That's Roya.
Her father just made a lot
of money importing samovars.
Let's get a drink.
When are they serving dinner?
Midnight.
Seriously?
God, you know,
I should have talked
about her dad's
cosmetic dental practice.
You were being honest.
Do you think they want you
to be honest at these things?
Oh, get a grip.
You're a grown woman.
You've been to how many
parties in your life?
I don't know.
A lot.
And what's the most important
part
of having a good
time at a party?
Drinking.
And?
Dancing.
And who's very good
at both of those things?
I am.
That's right.
Two vodka tonics, please.
That was amazing.
I've never had so much fun
around Persians before.
I'm sorry, I know you're
having a breakthrough,
but can you first explain
to me this fire thing?
Yeah.
So, the Wednesday before Noruz,
you're supposed to
jump over fire
to exorcise yourself
of evil spirits
and start the new year fresh.
Only we're doing it now
'cause everyone had work
and we're
half-assed Iranians.
God, it's such
a beautiful gesture.
Ugh, you are totally having
one of those "I'm dating
an immigrant" moments.
Like, "isn't learning
about other cultures
so fun and enriching?
I feel like I'm--"
Hi.
Hi.
So, this is where you've been?
Yeah.
We just came out here.
Where were you?
Your father got lost.
I took the scenic route.
That's not funny.
This is Maxine, my friend.
Maxine, meet my parents.
Hi.
Hi, Maxine. Oh.
Hi.
So, how do you like Noruz?
I'm so sorry.
I think I left my purse inside.
I got to go run and get it.
I will see you really soon.
Nice to meet you both.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
It says on your profile
that you're an artist.
Yeah, I do a
stand-up/folk music hybrid act.
I have never heard of that.
Yeah, my art defies labels.
Sounds like it.
Why does comedy always have to
be so mean and at
somebody's expense?
I want to use my comedy
to bring attention
to social-justice issues.
You're very pretty.
Thank you.
Why don't you get to work
on that drink?
Can I get a glass of water?
Come here.
Closer.
You have really nice hair.
Thanks.
You can be rough with me.
Tell me what you want me to do.
Lie on the bed.
Okay.
Fuck!
Could you put these on?
What? You're-- you're the one
who wanted weed.
Well, I reek of sex.
It's gonna trigger
the drug dealer's brain
to call in his rapist brain.
You're lucky I veer macho.
Thank you.
You're amazing.
Ladies first.
I'm not so good at
smoking weed around people.
Can't hold my thoughts still
long enough to think them.
I have to chase them.
I know what you mean.
The other day,
I had a really good idea
for a children's book
while I was smoking weed,
and now I have no idea
what it was.
Keep smoking.
You'll get it back.
Have you ever seen that episode
of "sex and the City"
where Carrie has to pitch
a book for children
and she pitches this idea
about a little girl
with magic cigarettes?
And it's really funny.
I hate
"Sex and the City."
Yeah, but you have to admit
it's pretty fucking
entertaining.
I think it's boring.
Who the fuck
do you think you are?
Oh, my God, are you
into "Lord of the Rings"?
You know, the older my dad gets,
the more he looks like Gollum
from "Lord of the Rings."
My dad, he's always
making the worst jokes,
but then this one time
he lost his wedding ring,
and he was like...
"I need my precious."
And was literally the funniest
thing I'd ever heard.
When I went to see
the film "Precious,"
there was a mentally handicapped
guy sitting next to me,
and he put his hand on my lap
during the movie,
and it really freaked me out.
That's horrible.
Don't make fun of me.
This is serious.
You're right, it's very serious,
and I cannot believe
that lifetime has not made
the movie version
of the time some dude
felt you up at the movies.
You're such a jerk.
You love it.
Shirin.
Yeah?
We're the same kind
of stoned person.
That is so beautiful.
No homo.
What do you mean, "no homo"?
Oh, you don't know
what "no homo" is?
Okay, so "no homo" is this thing
that rappers say to each other
to, like, nullify
the gayness of their words.
They could be like,
"those are some really fly
jeans, man. No homo."
Or "your song touched me.
No homo."
Like "I like the way
your dick tastes in my mouth.
No homo."
Exactly.
I feel really lucky
to have met you.
No homo?
Homo.
I love how none
of your white shirts
get those really
annoying pit stains
that mine always do.
I love that you noticed that.
I have something on my mind,
but it feels too scary
to say out loud.
Say it.
Do you have anything
on your mind?
Maybe.
What?
Don't be a pussy.
Okay, let's say it
at the same time
on the count of three.
One...
Two...
Two...
I'm falling in love with you.
I'm thinking of
transitioning into a man.
Of course I'm falling
in love with you.
Hi, everyone.
I'd like to welcome you all
to "with justice for some,"
where we look at
the criminal justice system
and its bias against
the queer community.
Now if any of you are here
for the dyke knitting circle,
it's been moved to Babeland
on Rivington.
Um, we have some copies
of the case study
to go around, so please take one
if you don't have it already.
What are you doing here?
Oh, hey.
You're not the only one
who cares about gay rights.
This is my event.
I marked it on the calendar.
Hey, guys,
let's hold the side talk
until after the discussion.
Sorry.
Why don't we start by
introducing ourselves, hmm?
I am Sasha, and I am
a law Professor at NYU.
Hi, I'm Morgan.
I'm an intern at queer aid.
Maxine.
What?
Is that shirt new?
Yes.
It looks really good on you.
I'm Joseph Henderson,
and I'm extremely
disappointed with the reading
material you've provided.
Absolutely no reference
to crime against nature laws.
It's weird seeing you in
something I don't remember.
True, um, this reading
doesn't refer to--
I was arrested at 18
for having consensual sex
with my 16-year-old boyfriend.
I spent four years in jail,
and afterwards forced to
register is a sex offender.
What are you doing later?
Going home.
Remember when that
was my home, too?
Please don't do this.
I'm a sex offender.
Every town I move to,
every job I apply for--
My life is ruined.
Have a drink with me later?
No.
I just want to talk.
No!
...And I thought
we were going to be
talking about marginalized
women here today.
Yes.
My name is Shirin.
I am an Iranian
bisexual teacher,
and I would like to take
you out for a drink.
N-- Now?
Right after this.
I would like to buy you a drink.
Um...
Each frame is a picture.
That's what you
call it, a frame.
And, uh, when you want
to have the candy move,
you're gonna take a picture
of it where it is,
move it very, very slightly,
and then to the next place,
and then you take a picture
and you have it there,
and then move it
a little bit--
He took it!
Do not eat those.
Those are for
the stop-motion animation.
Just one.
You just shoved like 40
into your mouth at once.
I get 40, too.
Me, too!
I need to go to the bathroom.
Me, too!
Are you old enough to go
on your own?
I don't know.
All right, wait here.
All right, first shot
of the day.
We have the flocks of birds
swarm into frame,
evil-looking ravens and gulls.
How's that looking,
art department?
Excellent.
And sound?
Is everything set?
Hi.
Sorry to interrupt.
Not a problem.
We were just prepping
for today's shoot.
Gracie, would you mind, uh,
briefing our guest
on today's project?
We're doing
a shot-for-shot remake
of a scene from
"The Birds."
I'm Shirin.
I teach across the hall.
Hi, I'm Tibet.
This is the advanced class.
I have a real quick
question for you.
Yes?
So, yeah, my kids
are real young,
like five years old,
and one of them needs
to use the bathroom.
Yes?
Well, do I have to go in
with him, or is that pervy?
Are you serious?
Yes.
Just stand behind the door
and ask if he needs help.
Oh.
Okay, thanks.
Not a problem, my friend.
Have we met before?
I don't think so.
I used to be a hair model,
so you might recognize me
from that.
Yeah, that's probably it.
Thank you.
All right, second shot
of the day.
We have, "she is trapped
in the phone booth
and the birds are
flying in to attack her."
Hair and makeup for that,
how are you doing?
Thank you so much for coming
all the way out to Brooklyn.
It is so nice that you finally
got to see the place.
Well, the rug looks
quite nice in here.
Thank you.
Why is there only one bed?
It's European and thrifty.
There's a lot of benefits.
And how--
How's that European?
I have an Italian friend
named Cecilia,
and she her best friend, uh,
shared one bed for years,
and they saved
so much money on rent
that they were able to afford
very big weddings
to their boyfriends.
Do you have a boyfriend, Maxine?
No, I don't.
Also, in the movie "Beaches,"
these two best friends
shared a bed,
and it was very inexpensive.
So, thank you
so much for coming.
Nice to see you both again.
Well, bye, girls.
Bye.
Let me walk you out.
Oh, my God.
You...
You're an angel.
You have to tell them about us.
I know.
Yes?
Hi.
Hey.
Crystal, did you see my parents?
Oh, yeah, we just
passed in the hall.
Hey, Maxine.
Hi.
Mmm, don't mind her.
She's upset 'cause
I'm not out to my parents.
Oh, well, you guys live
in a one-bedroom apartment.
I'm pretty sure they know.
Don't ask, don't tell.
You know what?
It's a process,
and I'm working on it.
Okay, we should probably leave.
Think I'm gonna bow out.
Maxine, you promised you'd go.
Crystal's a friend
who's gonna dress up
like a farm animal
and touch herself, come.
I can't handle
an art show right now.
Okay.
I love you.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye, Maxine.
Bye.
Thank you so much for
accepting my invitation.
Well, I couldn't have refused
even if I wanted to.
All those people.
You're right.
I will invite them all
to our wedding.
Um, what are you drinking?
It's kind of like
an old fashioned.
Want to try it?
Yeah.
You know, I can um,
tie a cherry stem
into a knot with my tongue.
Real--
Um...
Yeah, that's a good look.
Thank you.
I feel very sexy.
I'm surprised by how
quickly they sprung into action.
It's almost as if
they expected me
to make a huge mess.
Oh, it sounds like you have
a conspiracy on your hands.
Yes, I do.
This is not a case of me
being a clumsy oaf.
I am a victim of a larger force.
The bar and alcohol industry.
Yes.
Out to get you.
Yes, 'cause they need a girl
like me to, you know,
humiliate herself, so that
the other patrons
can feel more confident.
Yeah, 'cause they get to go home
with a drink and a show.
Yeah.
Okay.
Are you horrified?
Is this like the most
embarrassing thing
you've ever witnessed?
I don't embarrass easily.
I like that.
It's getting late.
Yeah.
Do you want to see my place?
I live with this woman
who may or may not
be practicing witchcraft.
I'd love to introduce you.
Can I take a rain check?
Yeah, sure, of course.
Um... get the check, please?
This is on me, literally
and metaphorically.
No, don't worry about it.
No, I said I got it.
I got--
I got this one.
Thank you.
No, I've--
Look, I got it.
I said I got it.
I'm not taking this back.
I invited you out.
Okay.
What train you taking home?
Actually, I'm gonna stay
and use the bathroom.
You should just go.
No, I'll wait.
No, it's okay.
Just go.
You are stubborn.
Yeah.
Thanks for coming out with me.
Well, thank you for asking me.
Okay, bye.
Bye.
Hi.
Um, can I have the cheapest red
you've got?
Thank you.
Can I ask what you're having?
The cheapest red they had.
How is it?
Alcoholic.
With an oaky finish.
Sounds good.
Sorry, I'm not well-versed
in wine talk.
"Oaky finish" was a nice touch.
Thanks.
I'm Ted.
Shirin.
Shirin. Hi.
Hi.
Um, do you live around here?
Hi.
Oh, hey, who's your friend?
This is Shirin.
Shirin, I'm Marie.
Hi.
Yeah, we uh, live a few blocks
from here, actually.
Mm-hm.
Cool.
Hey, do you want to come
sit with us?
Okay.
I'm like one bad romantic
encounter away
from moving to France
and changing my identity.
Hmm.
Do you want an olive?
No, I'm okay.
But maybe I should go to, like,
a less glamorous place, like
Slovenia or something,
where my chances of popularity
would be greater.
Hmm.
They're really good.
I'm okay.
Would you like some wine?
Yeah.
Why are you giggling?
I'm just--
I've been plotting on how
to get you eat
one of these olives,
because they're
covered in garlic,
and we've already had some.
Oh.
I guess it's sort of an all
or nothing kind of thing.
Problem solved.
You should show her
your latex outfit.
You have a latex outfit?
Yeah. Yeah, I have to
oil up to put it on.
Wow.
Yeah, please put that on.
Oh.
Thanks.
Drink?
Yeah.
Um, so in what situation does
a person find themselves
in need of latex outfit?
Burlesque shows, play parties,
all kinds of places, really.
Ah.
Um, okay, but--
But here's my question.
Why do the women
have to dress up
like slutty cupcakes?
What about the dudes?
Well, I have
a latex outfit, too.
That's sounds horrible.
Oh, it's really cute.
I'll have to take
your word on that one.
Thanks.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
I'm sorry, I-- I just got
a little in my head
for a minute.
No, it's-- it's okay.
It's okay.
So this is my first time
doing this.
Well, we can take it slow.
Thank you.
I like you.
A lot.
Thank you.
I like you, too.
You know what?
We don't have to fuck.
You know, we can just hang out,
play monopoly or something.
That actually sounds
like a lot of fun.
Great.
I have the clue version.
Oh.
Yeah.
That's really cool.
Yeah.
It's awesome.
Honey.
You two can stay as you are.
Um, I should get dressed.
No, don't.
It's okay.
Um, I sh-- I should go.
No, no.
Ted, Ted, tell her to stay.
Thanks.
I really don't want this
to be the last time
that we see each other.
Me, neither.
How come no one said
you had to come dressed
as one of your
favorite characters from
"The Little Rascals"?
That's the great thing
about pride.
People here look like they
didn't go to college.
Your attitude is really
pissing me off.
Sorry.
Did you see the drag queen?
That's my friend.
How come the only aspect
of gay culture
that's okay with you is drag?
Hey, what am I good at?
I don't know, what?
Drinking and dancing, remember?
Let's have fun.
Fine.
Kiss me.
Two vodka red bulls, please.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Aah.
Can I get another one?
You havin' fun?
Sure.
Look, before you ask, no,
I'm not an f to m transsexual.
Uh, sorry to disappoint.
What are you doing here?
My sister and I made a bet.
I'm guessing she won?
Ah... correct.
I'm Maxine.
George.
Nice to meet you.
I can see you.
Shirin, stop.
Fuck you.
I'm sorry.
I don't know what happened.
What the fuck?
He's a man.
It was like kissing a baby.
What?
It's just like lips touching.
I hate you so much
when you're drinking.
I'm so--
Do not touch me.
Whoa.
Are you okay?
You shoved me off,
like, really violently.
You cheated on me.
You hit me.
I feel sick.
Please don't cry.
Don't.
I'm sorry.
You have to forgive me.
Who is he?
Just some guy at the bar.
We were just drinking.
And you were like,
"want to kiss a lesbian?"
It only lasted a second.
I was watching you.
It was forever.
Hey.
I am sorry.
You have to forgive me.
Who spends $300
on a garter belt?
May I help you?
Uh, we're just looking.
Actually, yes.
Um, I'm looking for
the grown-up underwear
of a woman in charge
of her sexuality
and not afraid of change.
I've got that.
This just came in from France.
It's a bit pink.
Well, why don't you
try it on for yourself?
Let me know what you need,
and I'll get a room ready
for you.
I actually need to stock up
on panties.
My ex-girlfriend
uh, cut up most of mine,
so I'm gonna need more.
What about bras?
I don't wear those.
Why not?
Just don't have that much
to work with,
so it feels a little silly.
You know, like when
little girls carry purses.
What's your name?
Shirin.
Shirin.
You are a woman,
and you have breasts,
and there's nothing wrong
with them.
Yeah, I know.
You deserve a sexy,
supportive bra,
just like any other woman.
Okay.
You were with a woman
for how long,
and she didn't help you
find the right bra?
A while.
Well, it sounds like your ex--
What's her name?
Maxine.
Sounds like Maxine was
destructive to your panties
and your self-esteem.
I'm so sorry.
Is this really necessary?
I'm fine.
I ju-- I just need underwear.
Just because your breasts
are small
doesn't mean
they're not legitimate.
I know.
It's okay to be angry.
Oh, my God.
Let's try that on.
You know, it's like I didn't
think I deserved a bra,
because I don't see myself
as a real woman.
It's about more than
just fabric.
Yeah, and I've been wearing
bikini bottoms for months.
Well, that's basically
inviting people
who don't respect you
into your bedroom.
That's exactly what I did,
and now I'm like seeing her
at a party on Saturday,
and how do I expect anyone
to take me seriously
if I am not wearing a bra?
I take you seriously.
That doesn't count.
Stunning.
God, I hate your friends.
My friends are my family.
You don't know what that's like,
to have to choose your own
family because the one
you were born into--
Oh, come on, enough of this
lesbian orphan propaganda.
You know, we're all born
into shit families.
We deal with it.
What is your problem?
My problem is I haven't been
fucked in like three weeks.
I am not gonna talk
about this on my birthday.
On your birthday?
What are you, eight?
So you happened to be born.
Big fucking deal.
Oh, I'm sorry, all attention
must revolve around you
100% of the time.
I forgot.
No, that's not true.
I'm not like that.
I don't know why I get
so shocked when you
do shit like this.
You're a grown woman
in a creepy,
co-dependent relationship
with your parents.
It's totally normal,
and you have no idea
what you're talking about
because you completely
abandoned your family.
It wasn't a choice!
Of course, it's a choice!
Says the closet case!
They know I know they know.
I'm waiting for the right
time to bring it up,
out of respect for them.
I think you and I see the world
totally differently.
We do. You know, you think
that I'm a bad person
because I'm not coming out
on your terms,
and I don't agree with that.
That is not true.
I didn't say that.
That's totally true.
You're not listening to me.
I'm listening to you, and
everything you're saying
is pissing me off
and completely inaccurate.
You are ruining my birthday.
You're ruining my twenties.
I can't--
I don't have the patience
to deal with you.
That's fine.
Let's break up.
Fine.
Okay.
If you're gonna go, just go.
You don't get to take things.
I got you those panties.
Absolutely not.
Fuck you.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
I got these for you.
You're a fucking crazy person!
You want to play like this?
Do you want to do this?
Okay.
I bought all the booze
for this party.
Are you happy?
Is this what you wanted?
You know what-- don't bother
telling your parents about us.
I know you, and the more
that I think about it,
this is probably just a phase.
God, this was such a waste.
Hey.
Hi.
Nice hair.
Thanks.
This is Jon Francis.
This is Maxine.
Jon, show her your chest tattoo.
It took them four hours
to do it.
It's a giant squid
biting a sperm whale.
Cool.
How are you?
I'm okay.
You?
Good.
You should meet my date.
Where is she?
At the bar, getting us drinks.
Great.
She sounds awesome.
She is.
God, look how things worked out
for both of us.
You have your lady who
fetches you drinks at a bar,
like a maid, and I have
my hunky rebel with a cause.
Oh, what's the cause?
Jon's spearheading a campaign
to bridge the gaps
of gentrification in Brooklyn
through mass Kombucha brewing.
That's not a thing.
Yeah, we're gonna go dance now.
Jon's known all over Bushwick
for his vogueing.
What a coincidence.
T's an amazing dancer.
Oh, is she?
Yeah.
She goes to her west African
dance class religiously.
Is she black?
No.
She sounds awesome.
She is.
Tibet?
Hey, Shirin.
This is your date?
You two know each other?
Yeah, we work together.
Tibet, this is Jon Francis.
Jon, show her your chest tattoo.
Uh, Tibet's a former hair model.
Yeah, I heard.
Maxine and I used to date.
Can you imagine?
Nope.
Why not?
I thought you were straight.
Fuck you.
Whoa, that is uncalled for!
Your hair is uncalled for.
Baby, let's go get high.
I don't want to get high.
Whatever.
What is up with your passive
disinterest in everything?
Seriously, what happened
at Wesleyan
that did this to you?
Maxine, maybe we should go.
Oh, shut up, Tibet.
No one cares what
you have to say.
You have the sex appeal
of a ferret.
I'm in here.
It's Maxine.
Go away.
The door was unlocked.
I don't know how you could
try to replace me
with that fetus.
I'm not trying to replace you.
I hate Jon.
I know.
Take a cab home.
You're gonna be okay.
All right, okay,
everybody please come sit.
I have a film.
Everybody stop playing
and come watch the movie.
Alright, so this is one
of the first films
that was ever made
for audi--
It's not appropriate
for our age.
Why do you have to be like that?
What are you looking at?
Kujo, Groucho, why are you
not sitting here?
I'm screening a film.
We're watching a movie.
Yes!
No, I want you right here.
What happened?
Okay...
Do we gotta clean all that up?
There's too much.
Hey, guys.
Leave it.
Just leave it.
New plan.
I say forget the stop motion.
What movie
do you guys want to make?
I want to make a movie
about farts.
Alright, great.
Let's do it.
Farts.
Zombies!
Zombies?
Awesome.
Boogers!
What else have we got?
It's a good start.
What else do we have here?
I want boogers in my movie.
Boogers.
There we go.
Butts.
Butts.
You guys are in the zone.
Keep it flowing.
Naked ninjas!
I'm not a zombie.
I'm just a boy.
But you're making
the zombie mask.
It doesn't matter
if it's your character.
You're just making it up.
Can it have more eyes than two?
Yes.
Zombies have as many eyes
as you want them to have.
Welcome to the "Brooklyn Kidz
Moovie Maker,
final screening."
First we screen
the advanced class,
and the non-advanced class.
Thank you for coming.
I wrote that speech.
I love farting.
I can't fart.
Oh, you guys.
They're beautiful.
Thank you so much.
You're welcome.
You guys are the best.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Shirin.
Hi, Ken.
So, that was...
Disgusting.
I'm so sorry.
Actually, I thought
it was hilarious.
Seriously?
Yeah.
I was crackin' up.
Thank you so much
for saying that.
Yeah.
Let's face it, farts are funny.
I agree.
Farts are funny.
Thank you.
Have you seen Carrington?
Hey, what are you doing here?
Hiding.
I'm sorry I've been
such a dick about Layli.
Aw, come on, forget it.
Come on, let's go inside.
My old roommate Maxine and I
were in a relationship.
Ah, so you're a lesbian.
I was pretty into
all the guys I was with,
so I think I'm bisexual.
And that's a thing?
I'm afraid so.
All right.
How do you think mom and dad
are gonna take it?
Oh, you're not gonna
tell them now that it's over.
Seems like a pretty big thing
to not be honest about.
Fine.
Just uh, wait until after
the wedding, alright?
You are such a dick.
Well, at least I'm not
a sexually confused narcissist.
Can we please go inside?
Hey, can I be your best man?
No, absolutely not.
I ate before I came.
Ow, fuck!
Ow! Shit.
I'm sorry I ruined your scarf.
Mom, I'm a little bit gay.
Yes, I am.
And I was in love with Maxine.
Shh.
Shirin, are you okay?
I'm okay.
Stop breathing so loud.
Okay.
Has your mom mentioned it?
No.
Maybe she didn't
understand what you meant.
No, she knows for sure
what's up.
I'm gonna bring it
up in about a month.
I'm proud of you.
Thanks.
There's a party
at the loft on Saturday.
You should bring that
waiter, Brendan.
Um, I would, but I kinda
want to see if Jacques
and Felicia try to seduce me.
It's never gonna happen.
I don't know why you think
they're swingers.
I just get that vibe.
You should invite
that gay lawyer.
Did you guys touch tongues?
No, we didn't,
and it actually hurt
my feelings.
No, you know, there are
people in this world
who go on first dates
that are perfectly great,
and then they wait a while
before they engage
in sexual contact.
That's disgusting.
I know, I think it all happens
outside of New York.
Maybe you're right.
When he texts me,
it's like he only texts me
using emoticons.
Why can't you use your words?
Do you know what I mean?
I think that he thinks that
that is like cute.
I and like...
That was a present for you.
I don't feel comfortable
holding on to it.
What am I supposed
to do with it?
Throw it away.
Fine.
We were an "it" couple.
Not really.
Like when we'd go to parties
and there was dancing,
we'd start dancing
and everyone would
make a circle around us
and watch us dance.
Okay.
Okay, why don't you tell me
what you need, Shirin?
I need my girlfriend back.
Dude, I really think
you just need to mourn this
and move on.
I really want to eat
my feelings right now.
You know what?
I think that's an amazing idea.
Why don't we order
all the fatty, disgusting foods
we never let ourselves eat?
Okay.
Hey, girls.
How you doin' today?
Hey.
Fantastic.
And you?
Uh, what's your name?
Brendan.
Brendan.
Hey, I'm crystal.
Hey, crystal.
What can I get you today?
Um, let me see.
I would love an...
Unsweetened glass of iced tea.
No problem.
Thank you.
And can I just have one
of those complimentary mints
I saw by the entrance
and a glass of ice water
and a little bit of lemon
in there.
Okay.
Thank you so much.
Thanks, Brendan.
Mmm, delish.
Mmm, can't wait.
I'm dead inside.
Can you tell
just by looking at me
that I'm dead inside?
I really think
you had to end it.
I mean, she wasn't even
fucking you towards the end.
Maybe it was a phase.
Thanks, Brendan.
How about "Giraffe"?
What about "safe word"?
Like the word "safe word"
as our safe word?
Let's cut out the middleman,
'cause what happens
if you forget your safe word?
Okay, then,
the safe word is "safe word."
Great.
Let's do this.
What's the scenario?
I'm your tax auditor.
Okay.
Miss?
Yes?
Can you please
fill out this form?
All right.
Miss?
Yes?
I've been a bad
small-business owner.
What seems to be the problem?
I don't have any of my receipts
from June until August,
and I'm gonna
have to be punished.
That's actually easily remedied.
If you'll just fill in
the larger expenses in Section C
and cross-check them
with Section B.
Maxine.
What?
You are killing the sexy.
I'm just--
I'm not into role play.
That's-- that's okay.
I'm vanilla.
Don't say that.
It true.
I'm not kinky.
Hey.
Look at me.
I like vanilla.
I'm not really in the mood.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Banal sex shouldn't start
until at least a year
into a relationship.
I moved in too soon.
When are you going back to work?
I'm not.
No!
The only reason they hired me
in the first place
is 'cause they wanted
a middle eastern person
on staff.
Now that Yahveh's in editorial,
everyone's gushing
over how Syrian she is.
I'm not letting you fall
into a bottomless pit
of despair and unemployment
on my couch.
Nothing brings me joy.
Well... I think this guy
I know is hiring.
Let me talk to him.
And are you gonna go look
at that apartment
in Bushwick later?
I can't. I have to
go see my parents.
Oh, my God!
Can I come?
Your dad is so hot.
I just want to, like, paint him.
Ugh, no.
That is exactly
why you cannot come.
So, uh...
So, in the afternoon,
I took an appendix,
and I rewired it on this kid
who had no control
of his own urine.
Stop.
Wow.
No, no, no, we made him dry.
But now he has to pee
out of his belly button.
Please stop.
This is fascinating.
Not while we're eating.
Yeah, it can wait
until after, right?
Okay.
Did you see Ali's picture
of the sex-reassignment
surgery?
No, I didn't, 'cause
I deleted it the minute
I read "intestine vagina"
in the subject.
They're interesting
pictures.
Yeah, they are.
Show them.
Please don't do this.
I don't understand why
he had to go into urology.
It's because he loves
the penises so much.
Funny, dad.
Here you go.
Check it out.
Ugh!
Oh, my God.
What?
Take a look at it.
You're not even looking at it.
Please put that away.
I don't want to see it.
She doesn't want to see it.
Put it away.
Okay, suit yourself.
Layli.
Yes?
Ali says that you just started
your fellowship.
That's right.
Plastic surgery.
Mm-hmm.
Isn't it weird, though?
Like, he's dealing
with life-and-death situations
every day,
and then you're with
these middle-aged housewives
with low self-esteem.
Layli is a pediatric
reconstructive plastic surgeon.
I actually--
Uh, I specialize
in burn treatment
and skin grafting.
Cool.
I heard you are working
at "The Brooklyn Paper."
Yeah.
Um, I'm actually thinking
about transitioning
into another field.
So, let me get this straight.
You got a masters in journalism,
and now you're gonna do
Jack shit with it?
She can still use her degree.
She's so talented.
Thank you.
She was the only freshman
in high school
who could swim
on the varsity team.
And she didn't even
take lessons.
Wow, that's a real
resume builder right there.
Yeah, this body's made
for swimming.
Look at these shoulders.
That's enough.
Thank you.
And look at those hands.
Please stop.
Aren't they stunning?
They're beautiful hands.
You know, you should get
into hand modeling.
Ah.
But I just don't know
how people get started.
It's who you know.
A masters in journalism,
that's how you get started.
I would literally like to
talk about anything else.
Okay, how's your love life?
Any boys we should know about?
No.
No boys at all.
Oh, thank God I don't have to
get my shotgun ready then.
Good one, dad.
Oh, God.
Ken?
Hey.
Ginny.
Shirin.
Shirin.
What is that? Libyan?
Armenian? Argentinean?
Iranian.
Oh, Iranian.
Wow. Iran.
What do you think
of that whole situation?
It's a mixed bag.
A lot of very
good-intentioned people
dealing with some
difficult circumstances.
You get over there
very often?
Yeah.
Actually, I go in the summers
to visit family.
Wow.
Okay, so tell me,
what is the scene like
in Tehran?
I just read this big article
about the underground
hip-hop scene in "Vice."
Yeah.
So, you're part of that?
No. Unfortunately, I spend
most of my time in Iran
watching Disney videos
with my grandmother
while she untangles jewelry.
Yeah, I got myself some coffee.
Do you want something to drink?
No, thanks.
I am buzzed on skunk right now.
Nice.
So, crystal tells me
you are an artist.
Yes.
Yeah, I am.
You're a video artist.
Mm-hmm.
Great.
So, I don't know
what crystal has told you,
but I'm looking for someone
reliable to take over
an afterschool filmmaking class.
It's with a bunch of kids,
and they're really great
and so smart
and, uh, just creative.
And really, all you have to do
is just show them
how to hold a camera.
I can do that, yeah.
So, what is your schedule like?
Completely open.
Perfect.
All right, well,
may I say let's do this?
Okay.
Great.
Don't fuck me over.
Okay.
You told him I was a filmmaker?
You said you needed a job.
How do you know this guy anyway?
He's that investment banker
in my parents' building
I used to hook up with
in high school.
Oh, my God.
He's that guy.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, so he lost his job,
became a stay-at-home dad,
and got into light drugs.
Good for him.
So, do you have a lesson plan?
What is this, Germany?
They're park slope teens.
I could lock 'em in a room
with a half-eaten apple
and a tic tac
and come back
to the "Mona Lisa."
Wh-- why are we stopping?
Oh, I have to take care
of something.
You wait out here.
No, no, no, wait.
Oh, please don't do this.
You said that no amount
of wholesale spelt Sushi
was worth the emotional toll
of being here.
She's here all the time.
They don't even offer
paper bags.
It's surprising how,
uh, lonely it gets
when you're single again,
especially when you live
with someone.
You get so used to their habits
and their lifestyle
and their smells,
but, um, I really
joined the co-op
to spend time with her,
'cause, let's be honest,
it's not the most pleasant
place to work in the world.
But if I really want Maxine
back in my life,
I'm gonna have to do
whatever it takes,
and that means getting back
onto her co-op shift,
and that's where you come in.
It-- it says in your file
that you haven't worked
a shift in four months.
Extenuating circumstances.
I've had a very broken heart.
Look, all members are entitled
to one free pass
after a delinquency,
but I cannot get you
onto her shift.
It's all booked.
I'm sorry,
I didn't catch your name.
Jackie.
Hi, Jackie.
Um...
The last time I checked,
this is a cooperative.
Why don't you go ahead
and cooperate with me,
and I'll cooperate with you.
But how do you get them
so curly?
Let's go.
It was so nice meeting you.
Shirin told me you're an artist.
Landscaping or portraits?
I specialize in
experimental installations,
and Jacques is currently
focusing on sandcastle work
integrating found objects.
We're done with the boxes.
I'm coming.
It was so nice meeting you.
There's no toilet paper.
Hey, you guys can go.
I feel like I'm 17
and you're moving me
back into college.
I wish.
That dorm was much nicer.
This is what it is
to find a place
on short notice in Brooklyn.
At least you have
a sexy roommate.
Felicia? I find her
a bit terrifying.
No, I'm talking about
the boy-- Jacques.
Your new roommates are freaks.
Hey, is this how you say hello?
Hi.
Can we tell her?
Tell me what?
I'm proposing to Layli.
Why?
Hey.
Shirin.
I'm not saying
you shouldn't do it.
It's just...
He's very young.
He's 33.
I was only 19
when I married your father.
Well, this isn't the Islamic
Republic of Iran, mom.
Do you see a hijab on my head?
What is wrong with you?
Nothing.
You're acting like a brat.
Stop it.
You're bringing
a lot of negative energy
into my new home.
Oh, this is not a home.
This is a refugee camp.
Seriously,
what are you doing here?
You don't know what a cool
Brooklyn loft looks like.
I just don't understand
why you left your old apartment.
The neighborhood
was so much better.
It got too expensive.
We would have helped you.
This is my new home,
and I love it.
Okay.
Ali, come.
Help me in the kitchen.
Okay, but I'm not
touching anything.
I'm sure the girl
who let me in has hep c.
Dad?
Yeah?
I'm worried about Ali.
I think he's jumping
into marriage
because he thinks he has to.
He's got classic
older child syndrome.
He'll do anything
to make you and mom happy.
She has no goals
or aspirations.
She takes nothing seriously.
She's becoming a loser.
Lower your voice.
She has this, like,
younger child thing.
I'm telling you,
you need to be on top of that.
You don't think
I'm doing my best?
She's not easy.
He's, like, burying his emotions
deep beneath the surface,
and, like, one day,
he could pull a gun
on his coworkers.
I think she has
self-esteem issues.
Yeah, no kidding.
When was the last time
she had a boyfriend?
That Virginia tech kid
was just trying to please
his strict Korean parents.
It's not like she's dumb
or super unattractive.
I mean, she's perfectly
capable of being normal.
I don't want him
to find himself,
like, ten years from now,
fat, bald,
and in a loveless marriage
because he was rushing to become
the world's best Iranian son.
The men in our family
don't go bald.
Oh, I don't need
new reading material.
I'm only up to book two
of the "Twilight" series.
I'm broadening your horizons.
This is some
pretty serious stuff here.
I'm asking you to read
some books.
You don't need to get
your septum pierced.
Yet.
Oh, hey.
Um, excuse me,
this is actually
the Brooklyn kids
movie maker class.
I think you have the wrong room.
No, this right.
I'm a movie director.
See you at five.
And I'm gonna poop.
No! Don't!
Kujo, could you
please hold--
Put down the truck
and hold the camera.
Stop throwing.
I don't think
you can fit it all.
Hey, Kujo, the lens is
way too close to your butt.
Oh, you're on OkCupid.
My taxidermist met
her husband on that site.
I'm just looking for someone
to make my girlfriend jealous.
We're on a break.
Good luck.
Felicia?
Yes?
You're in a long-term,
seemingly healthy relationship.
Can you tell me,
how do people meet,
agree they like each other,
and then... keep on
liking each other?
Shared interests?
Jacques and I met
at occupy Chelsea.
I'm gonna lie here
and try to forget
what it felt like to be loved.
Could you please
turn off the light?
Feel better.
Thank you.
Hey.
Hi.
You want a cigarette?
I don't smoke.
Yeah, me neither.
What are you doing out here?
Social anxiety.
What about you?
More or less the same.
I'm Shirin.
Maxine.
It's nice to meet you.
I love dykes.
Nice.
I mean it.
You know that-- that word
is incredibly offensive.
Oh, I'm bisexual,
so it's okay if I say it.
No, it's still offensive.
You know how I meant it.
Doesn't matter how you meant it.
Tomato, to-mah-to.
What are you drinking?
I filled this water bottle
with Tequila.
Classy.
I'm drinking with a purpose.
Yeah?
This guy
with whom I recently
had an unfortunate sexual
encounter showed up,
and now I feel uncomfortable.
I just hate the way dudes get
when they can't maintain
an erection.
What do they get like?
Oh, are you a gold star?
No, I've had sex with men,
just, um, not the kind
who go soft.
Touche.
It's the worst.
They shut down,
and they get
all mopey and offended
when you make jokes.
Yeah, it's so weird
the way men don't enjoy
humor at the expense
of their penises.
Do you want some?
Sure.
I think you're hot.
Thanks.
I know that I don't look
like I'm into girls
and that I was just talking
about being a boner killer,
but I am super sexy
and super into girls.
Really?
Yeah.
I like girls like you.
Like me?
You know, like, manly,
but also a little bit
like a lady.
Nice.
Thank you.
Um...
Are you having lady problems?
What makes you think
I'm having lady problems?
Because it's new year's Eve
and you're heading out
before the countdown.
Maybe I'm heading out
to meet the person
I'm gonna kiss at midnight.
You're gonna be hella late
'cause it's like,
two minutes away.
What's her name?
Linda.
She sounds like a cunt.
We're going out
for a couple months,
and we decided
to move in together.
Naturally.
And four days
after I break my lease
and sell everything I own,
she tells me she misses her ex,
and what the fuck
am I supposed to do
with that information?
That sucks.
Just having trouble dealing
with, like, Brooklyn parties
and everyone talking about
their Kickstarter campaigns,
and did you see that guy
with the waxed Dali mustache?
I mean, what the fuck
is that guy's problem?
Who the fuck
does he think he is?
I find your anger
incredibly sexy.
Really?
I hate so many things too.
Wow.
Ken. Hi.
Oh! Hey, hi.
How are you?
I'm good, thank you.
Carrington, this is Shayla.
I'm Shirin. Hi.
Oh...
Sorry, man.
I'm stoned.
Oh, that's okay.
Want a j?
No, I'm cool.
Thanks.
Listen, um...
I'm a terrible teacher.
No.
Yes, I am.
Uh, the kids hate me.
They're a good ten years younger
than I thought they'd be,
and I can't get them to listen.
You can't take it
personally, dude.
They're five.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I have three kids.
I don't know what I'm doing.
It's just fake it
'til you make it.
I've lost Carrington,
like, what, four times?
Right, bro?
Just do your best, okay?
Okay.
Hey.
I believe in you, Cher.
Thank you.
They have no idea
you're bisexual?
I'm sorry, what country is it
that you get stoned to death
if you're convicted
of being gay?
Oh, yeah.
Wait, I know.
It's Iran,
the country that my
entire family comes from.
You can't keep playing
the Persian card
every time we have an argument.
You need to see for yourself
how difficult it is to be
the child of immigrants.
I would love to.
Great.
Then you're coming
to a Persian new year party
this weekend in New Jersey.
Am I coming as your date?
God, no.
You're definitely coming
as my white friend.
Do you think
I have a death wish?
You know you're gonna
have to wear a dress.
No.
Good. Now you're
gonna send 'em?
Yes.
It's like we just stepped
into Liberace's wet dream.
Isn't it spectacular?
You know I don't like
being in enclosed spaces
where I can't detect
any visibly gay people.
Well, I'm pretty sure
Uncle Neema's harboring
some bi-curious
tendencies.
You talk to him
about it?
Oh, God, no.
Persians communicate
mostly through gossip.
Shirin?
Oh, my God! Hi!
Hi!
Hi!
Maxine, this is Mitra,
Yassi, Meenu, and Yassi.
Guys, this is my friend Maxine.
Hey.
Hey. Oh, my God,
you look amazing.
Right. Next to you, I look
like a busboy from chili's.
Oh, no way.
You're practically a model.
Yeah, you're right.
Like a "before" model
for Accutane.
Uh, I would kill
for your height.
And I would sell my firstborn
for your skin.
Stop it.
You stop it.
We need to get together more.
I haven't seen you since
your grandmother's funeral.
How's your father?
You know, he's okay,
but then sometimes
he'll cry out of nowhere,
and I'll be like,
"dad, what's going on with you?
You're emasculating
yourself."
Oh, my God! Roya?
What just happened?
You were in the middle
of a sentence.
Yeah, every time I see her,
she compliments the way I look,
she asks one personal question,
and then she walks away
while I answer.
And who's she
talking to now?
That's Roya.
Her father just made a lot
of money importing samovars.
Let's get a drink.
When are they serving dinner?
Midnight.
Seriously?
God, you know,
I should have talked
about her dad's
cosmetic dental practice.
You were being honest.
Do you think they want you
to be honest at these things?
Oh, get a grip.
You're a grown woman.
You've been to how many
parties in your life?
I don't know.
A lot.
And what's the most important
part
of having a good
time at a party?
Drinking.
And?
Dancing.
And who's very good
at both of those things?
I am.
That's right.
Two vodka tonics, please.
That was amazing.
I've never had so much fun
around Persians before.
I'm sorry, I know you're
having a breakthrough,
but can you first explain
to me this fire thing?
Yeah.
So, the Wednesday before Noruz,
you're supposed to
jump over fire
to exorcise yourself
of evil spirits
and start the new year fresh.
Only we're doing it now
'cause everyone had work
and we're
half-assed Iranians.
God, it's such
a beautiful gesture.
Ugh, you are totally having
one of those "I'm dating
an immigrant" moments.
Like, "isn't learning
about other cultures
so fun and enriching?
I feel like I'm--"
Hi.
Hi.
So, this is where you've been?
Yeah.
We just came out here.
Where were you?
Your father got lost.
I took the scenic route.
That's not funny.
This is Maxine, my friend.
Maxine, meet my parents.
Hi.
Hi, Maxine. Oh.
Hi.
So, how do you like Noruz?
I'm so sorry.
I think I left my purse inside.
I got to go run and get it.
I will see you really soon.
Nice to meet you both.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
It says on your profile
that you're an artist.
Yeah, I do a
stand-up/folk music hybrid act.
I have never heard of that.
Yeah, my art defies labels.
Sounds like it.
Why does comedy always have to
be so mean and at
somebody's expense?
I want to use my comedy
to bring attention
to social-justice issues.
You're very pretty.
Thank you.
Why don't you get to work
on that drink?
Can I get a glass of water?
Come here.
Closer.
You have really nice hair.
Thanks.
You can be rough with me.
Tell me what you want me to do.
Lie on the bed.
Okay.
Fuck!
Could you put these on?
What? You're-- you're the one
who wanted weed.
Well, I reek of sex.
It's gonna trigger
the drug dealer's brain
to call in his rapist brain.
You're lucky I veer macho.
Thank you.
You're amazing.
Ladies first.
I'm not so good at
smoking weed around people.
Can't hold my thoughts still
long enough to think them.
I have to chase them.
I know what you mean.
The other day,
I had a really good idea
for a children's book
while I was smoking weed,
and now I have no idea
what it was.
Keep smoking.
You'll get it back.
Have you ever seen that episode
of "sex and the City"
where Carrie has to pitch
a book for children
and she pitches this idea
about a little girl
with magic cigarettes?
And it's really funny.
I hate
"Sex and the City."
Yeah, but you have to admit
it's pretty fucking
entertaining.
I think it's boring.
Who the fuck
do you think you are?
Oh, my God, are you
into "Lord of the Rings"?
You know, the older my dad gets,
the more he looks like Gollum
from "Lord of the Rings."
My dad, he's always
making the worst jokes,
but then this one time
he lost his wedding ring,
and he was like...
"I need my precious."
And was literally the funniest
thing I'd ever heard.
When I went to see
the film "Precious,"
there was a mentally handicapped
guy sitting next to me,
and he put his hand on my lap
during the movie,
and it really freaked me out.
That's horrible.
Don't make fun of me.
This is serious.
You're right, it's very serious,
and I cannot believe
that lifetime has not made
the movie version
of the time some dude
felt you up at the movies.
You're such a jerk.
You love it.
Shirin.
Yeah?
We're the same kind
of stoned person.
That is so beautiful.
No homo.
What do you mean, "no homo"?
Oh, you don't know
what "no homo" is?
Okay, so "no homo" is this thing
that rappers say to each other
to, like, nullify
the gayness of their words.
They could be like,
"those are some really fly
jeans, man. No homo."
Or "your song touched me.
No homo."
Like "I like the way
your dick tastes in my mouth.
No homo."
Exactly.
I feel really lucky
to have met you.
No homo?
Homo.
I love how none
of your white shirts
get those really
annoying pit stains
that mine always do.
I love that you noticed that.
I have something on my mind,
but it feels too scary
to say out loud.
Say it.
Do you have anything
on your mind?
Maybe.
What?
Don't be a pussy.
Okay, let's say it
at the same time
on the count of three.
One...
Two...
Two...
I'm falling in love with you.
I'm thinking of
transitioning into a man.
Of course I'm falling
in love with you.
Hi, everyone.
I'd like to welcome you all
to "with justice for some,"
where we look at
the criminal justice system
and its bias against
the queer community.
Now if any of you are here
for the dyke knitting circle,
it's been moved to Babeland
on Rivington.
Um, we have some copies
of the case study
to go around, so please take one
if you don't have it already.
What are you doing here?
Oh, hey.
You're not the only one
who cares about gay rights.
This is my event.
I marked it on the calendar.
Hey, guys,
let's hold the side talk
until after the discussion.
Sorry.
Why don't we start by
introducing ourselves, hmm?
I am Sasha, and I am
a law Professor at NYU.
Hi, I'm Morgan.
I'm an intern at queer aid.
Maxine.
What?
Is that shirt new?
Yes.
It looks really good on you.
I'm Joseph Henderson,
and I'm extremely
disappointed with the reading
material you've provided.
Absolutely no reference
to crime against nature laws.
It's weird seeing you in
something I don't remember.
True, um, this reading
doesn't refer to--
I was arrested at 18
for having consensual sex
with my 16-year-old boyfriend.
I spent four years in jail,
and afterwards forced to
register is a sex offender.
What are you doing later?
Going home.
Remember when that
was my home, too?
Please don't do this.
I'm a sex offender.
Every town I move to,
every job I apply for--
My life is ruined.
Have a drink with me later?
No.
I just want to talk.
No!
...And I thought
we were going to be
talking about marginalized
women here today.
Yes.
My name is Shirin.
I am an Iranian
bisexual teacher,
and I would like to take
you out for a drink.
N-- Now?
Right after this.
I would like to buy you a drink.
Um...
Each frame is a picture.
That's what you
call it, a frame.
And, uh, when you want
to have the candy move,
you're gonna take a picture
of it where it is,
move it very, very slightly,
and then to the next place,
and then you take a picture
and you have it there,
and then move it
a little bit--
He took it!
Do not eat those.
Those are for
the stop-motion animation.
Just one.
You just shoved like 40
into your mouth at once.
I get 40, too.
Me, too!
I need to go to the bathroom.
Me, too!
Are you old enough to go
on your own?
I don't know.
All right, wait here.
All right, first shot
of the day.
We have the flocks of birds
swarm into frame,
evil-looking ravens and gulls.
How's that looking,
art department?
Excellent.
And sound?
Is everything set?
Hi.
Sorry to interrupt.
Not a problem.
We were just prepping
for today's shoot.
Gracie, would you mind, uh,
briefing our guest
on today's project?
We're doing
a shot-for-shot remake
of a scene from
"The Birds."
I'm Shirin.
I teach across the hall.
Hi, I'm Tibet.
This is the advanced class.
I have a real quick
question for you.
Yes?
So, yeah, my kids
are real young,
like five years old,
and one of them needs
to use the bathroom.
Yes?
Well, do I have to go in
with him, or is that pervy?
Are you serious?
Yes.
Just stand behind the door
and ask if he needs help.
Oh.
Okay, thanks.
Not a problem, my friend.
Have we met before?
I don't think so.
I used to be a hair model,
so you might recognize me
from that.
Yeah, that's probably it.
Thank you.
All right, second shot
of the day.
We have, "she is trapped
in the phone booth
and the birds are
flying in to attack her."
Hair and makeup for that,
how are you doing?
Thank you so much for coming
all the way out to Brooklyn.
It is so nice that you finally
got to see the place.
Well, the rug looks
quite nice in here.
Thank you.
Why is there only one bed?
It's European and thrifty.
There's a lot of benefits.
And how--
How's that European?
I have an Italian friend
named Cecilia,
and she her best friend, uh,
shared one bed for years,
and they saved
so much money on rent
that they were able to afford
very big weddings
to their boyfriends.
Do you have a boyfriend, Maxine?
No, I don't.
Also, in the movie "Beaches,"
these two best friends
shared a bed,
and it was very inexpensive.
So, thank you
so much for coming.
Nice to see you both again.
Well, bye, girls.
Bye.
Let me walk you out.
Oh, my God.
You...
You're an angel.
You have to tell them about us.
I know.
Yes?
Hi.
Hey.
Crystal, did you see my parents?
Oh, yeah, we just
passed in the hall.
Hey, Maxine.
Hi.
Mmm, don't mind her.
She's upset 'cause
I'm not out to my parents.
Oh, well, you guys live
in a one-bedroom apartment.
I'm pretty sure they know.
Don't ask, don't tell.
You know what?
It's a process,
and I'm working on it.
Okay, we should probably leave.
Think I'm gonna bow out.
Maxine, you promised you'd go.
Crystal's a friend
who's gonna dress up
like a farm animal
and touch herself, come.
I can't handle
an art show right now.
Okay.
I love you.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye, Maxine.
Bye.
Thank you so much for
accepting my invitation.
Well, I couldn't have refused
even if I wanted to.
All those people.
You're right.
I will invite them all
to our wedding.
Um, what are you drinking?
It's kind of like
an old fashioned.
Want to try it?
Yeah.
You know, I can um,
tie a cherry stem
into a knot with my tongue.
Real--
Um...
Yeah, that's a good look.
Thank you.
I feel very sexy.
I'm surprised by how
quickly they sprung into action.
It's almost as if
they expected me
to make a huge mess.
Oh, it sounds like you have
a conspiracy on your hands.
Yes, I do.
This is not a case of me
being a clumsy oaf.
I am a victim of a larger force.
The bar and alcohol industry.
Yes.
Out to get you.
Yes, 'cause they need a girl
like me to, you know,
humiliate herself, so that
the other patrons
can feel more confident.
Yeah, 'cause they get to go home
with a drink and a show.
Yeah.
Okay.
Are you horrified?
Is this like the most
embarrassing thing
you've ever witnessed?
I don't embarrass easily.
I like that.
It's getting late.
Yeah.
Do you want to see my place?
I live with this woman
who may or may not
be practicing witchcraft.
I'd love to introduce you.
Can I take a rain check?
Yeah, sure, of course.
Um... get the check, please?
This is on me, literally
and metaphorically.
No, don't worry about it.
No, I said I got it.
I got--
I got this one.
Thank you.
No, I've--
Look, I got it.
I said I got it.
I'm not taking this back.
I invited you out.
Okay.
What train you taking home?
Actually, I'm gonna stay
and use the bathroom.
You should just go.
No, I'll wait.
No, it's okay.
Just go.
You are stubborn.
Yeah.
Thanks for coming out with me.
Well, thank you for asking me.
Okay, bye.
Bye.
Hi.
Um, can I have the cheapest red
you've got?
Thank you.
Can I ask what you're having?
The cheapest red they had.
How is it?
Alcoholic.
With an oaky finish.
Sounds good.
Sorry, I'm not well-versed
in wine talk.
"Oaky finish" was a nice touch.
Thanks.
I'm Ted.
Shirin.
Shirin. Hi.
Hi.
Um, do you live around here?
Hi.
Oh, hey, who's your friend?
This is Shirin.
Shirin, I'm Marie.
Hi.
Yeah, we uh, live a few blocks
from here, actually.
Mm-hm.
Cool.
Hey, do you want to come
sit with us?
Okay.
I'm like one bad romantic
encounter away
from moving to France
and changing my identity.
Hmm.
Do you want an olive?
No, I'm okay.
But maybe I should go to, like,
a less glamorous place, like
Slovenia or something,
where my chances of popularity
would be greater.
Hmm.
They're really good.
I'm okay.
Would you like some wine?
Yeah.
Why are you giggling?
I'm just--
I've been plotting on how
to get you eat
one of these olives,
because they're
covered in garlic,
and we've already had some.
Oh.
I guess it's sort of an all
or nothing kind of thing.
Problem solved.
You should show her
your latex outfit.
You have a latex outfit?
Yeah. Yeah, I have to
oil up to put it on.
Wow.
Yeah, please put that on.
Oh.
Thanks.
Drink?
Yeah.
Um, so in what situation does
a person find themselves
in need of latex outfit?
Burlesque shows, play parties,
all kinds of places, really.
Ah.
Um, okay, but--
But here's my question.
Why do the women
have to dress up
like slutty cupcakes?
What about the dudes?
Well, I have
a latex outfit, too.
That's sounds horrible.
Oh, it's really cute.
I'll have to take
your word on that one.
Thanks.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
I'm sorry, I-- I just got
a little in my head
for a minute.
No, it's-- it's okay.
It's okay.
So this is my first time
doing this.
Well, we can take it slow.
Thank you.
I like you.
A lot.
Thank you.
I like you, too.
You know what?
We don't have to fuck.
You know, we can just hang out,
play monopoly or something.
That actually sounds
like a lot of fun.
Great.
I have the clue version.
Oh.
Yeah.
That's really cool.
Yeah.
It's awesome.
Honey.
You two can stay as you are.
Um, I should get dressed.
No, don't.
It's okay.
Um, I sh-- I should go.
No, no.
Ted, Ted, tell her to stay.
Thanks.
I really don't want this
to be the last time
that we see each other.
Me, neither.
How come no one said
you had to come dressed
as one of your
favorite characters from
"The Little Rascals"?
That's the great thing
about pride.
People here look like they
didn't go to college.
Your attitude is really
pissing me off.
Sorry.
Did you see the drag queen?
That's my friend.
How come the only aspect
of gay culture
that's okay with you is drag?
Hey, what am I good at?
I don't know, what?
Drinking and dancing, remember?
Let's have fun.
Fine.
Kiss me.
Two vodka red bulls, please.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Aah.
Can I get another one?
You havin' fun?
Sure.
Look, before you ask, no,
I'm not an f to m transsexual.
Uh, sorry to disappoint.
What are you doing here?
My sister and I made a bet.
I'm guessing she won?
Ah... correct.
I'm Maxine.
George.
Nice to meet you.
I can see you.
Shirin, stop.
Fuck you.
I'm sorry.
I don't know what happened.
What the fuck?
He's a man.
It was like kissing a baby.
What?
It's just like lips touching.
I hate you so much
when you're drinking.
I'm so--
Do not touch me.
Whoa.
Are you okay?
You shoved me off,
like, really violently.
You cheated on me.
You hit me.
I feel sick.
Please don't cry.
Don't.
I'm sorry.
You have to forgive me.
Who is he?
Just some guy at the bar.
We were just drinking.
And you were like,
"want to kiss a lesbian?"
It only lasted a second.
I was watching you.
It was forever.
Hey.
I am sorry.
You have to forgive me.
Who spends $300
on a garter belt?
May I help you?
Uh, we're just looking.
Actually, yes.
Um, I'm looking for
the grown-up underwear
of a woman in charge
of her sexuality
and not afraid of change.
I've got that.
This just came in from France.
It's a bit pink.
Well, why don't you
try it on for yourself?
Let me know what you need,
and I'll get a room ready
for you.
I actually need to stock up
on panties.
My ex-girlfriend
uh, cut up most of mine,
so I'm gonna need more.
What about bras?
I don't wear those.
Why not?
Just don't have that much
to work with,
so it feels a little silly.
You know, like when
little girls carry purses.
What's your name?
Shirin.
Shirin.
You are a woman,
and you have breasts,
and there's nothing wrong
with them.
Yeah, I know.
You deserve a sexy,
supportive bra,
just like any other woman.
Okay.
You were with a woman
for how long,
and she didn't help you
find the right bra?
A while.
Well, it sounds like your ex--
What's her name?
Maxine.
Sounds like Maxine was
destructive to your panties
and your self-esteem.
I'm so sorry.
Is this really necessary?
I'm fine.
I ju-- I just need underwear.
Just because your breasts
are small
doesn't mean
they're not legitimate.
I know.
It's okay to be angry.
Oh, my God.
Let's try that on.
You know, it's like I didn't
think I deserved a bra,
because I don't see myself
as a real woman.
It's about more than
just fabric.
Yeah, and I've been wearing
bikini bottoms for months.
Well, that's basically
inviting people
who don't respect you
into your bedroom.
That's exactly what I did,
and now I'm like seeing her
at a party on Saturday,
and how do I expect anyone
to take me seriously
if I am not wearing a bra?
I take you seriously.
That doesn't count.
Stunning.
God, I hate your friends.
My friends are my family.
You don't know what that's like,
to have to choose your own
family because the one
you were born into--
Oh, come on, enough of this
lesbian orphan propaganda.
You know, we're all born
into shit families.
We deal with it.
What is your problem?
My problem is I haven't been
fucked in like three weeks.
I am not gonna talk
about this on my birthday.
On your birthday?
What are you, eight?
So you happened to be born.
Big fucking deal.
Oh, I'm sorry, all attention
must revolve around you
100% of the time.
I forgot.
No, that's not true.
I'm not like that.
I don't know why I get
so shocked when you
do shit like this.
You're a grown woman
in a creepy,
co-dependent relationship
with your parents.
It's totally normal,
and you have no idea
what you're talking about
because you completely
abandoned your family.
It wasn't a choice!
Of course, it's a choice!
Says the closet case!
They know I know they know.
I'm waiting for the right
time to bring it up,
out of respect for them.
I think you and I see the world
totally differently.
We do. You know, you think
that I'm a bad person
because I'm not coming out
on your terms,
and I don't agree with that.
That is not true.
I didn't say that.
That's totally true.
You're not listening to me.
I'm listening to you, and
everything you're saying
is pissing me off
and completely inaccurate.
You are ruining my birthday.
You're ruining my twenties.
I can't--
I don't have the patience
to deal with you.
That's fine.
Let's break up.
Fine.
Okay.
If you're gonna go, just go.
You don't get to take things.
I got you those panties.
Absolutely not.
Fuck you.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
I got these for you.
You're a fucking crazy person!
You want to play like this?
Do you want to do this?
Okay.
I bought all the booze
for this party.
Are you happy?
Is this what you wanted?
You know what-- don't bother
telling your parents about us.
I know you, and the more
that I think about it,
this is probably just a phase.
God, this was such a waste.
Hey.
Hi.
Nice hair.
Thanks.
This is Jon Francis.
This is Maxine.
Jon, show her your chest tattoo.
It took them four hours
to do it.
It's a giant squid
biting a sperm whale.
Cool.
How are you?
I'm okay.
You?
Good.
You should meet my date.
Where is she?
At the bar, getting us drinks.
Great.
She sounds awesome.
She is.
God, look how things worked out
for both of us.
You have your lady who
fetches you drinks at a bar,
like a maid, and I have
my hunky rebel with a cause.
Oh, what's the cause?
Jon's spearheading a campaign
to bridge the gaps
of gentrification in Brooklyn
through mass Kombucha brewing.
That's not a thing.
Yeah, we're gonna go dance now.
Jon's known all over Bushwick
for his vogueing.
What a coincidence.
T's an amazing dancer.
Oh, is she?
Yeah.
She goes to her west African
dance class religiously.
Is she black?
No.
She sounds awesome.
She is.
Tibet?
Hey, Shirin.
This is your date?
You two know each other?
Yeah, we work together.
Tibet, this is Jon Francis.
Jon, show her your chest tattoo.
Uh, Tibet's a former hair model.
Yeah, I heard.
Maxine and I used to date.
Can you imagine?
Nope.
Why not?
I thought you were straight.
Fuck you.
Whoa, that is uncalled for!
Your hair is uncalled for.
Baby, let's go get high.
I don't want to get high.
Whatever.
What is up with your passive
disinterest in everything?
Seriously, what happened
at Wesleyan
that did this to you?
Maxine, maybe we should go.
Oh, shut up, Tibet.
No one cares what
you have to say.
You have the sex appeal
of a ferret.
I'm in here.
It's Maxine.
Go away.
The door was unlocked.
I don't know how you could
try to replace me
with that fetus.
I'm not trying to replace you.
I hate Jon.
I know.
Take a cab home.
You're gonna be okay.
All right, okay,
everybody please come sit.
I have a film.
Everybody stop playing
and come watch the movie.
Alright, so this is one
of the first films
that was ever made
for audi--
It's not appropriate
for our age.
Why do you have to be like that?
What are you looking at?
Kujo, Groucho, why are you
not sitting here?
I'm screening a film.
We're watching a movie.
Yes!
No, I want you right here.
What happened?
Okay...
Do we gotta clean all that up?
There's too much.
Hey, guys.
Leave it.
Just leave it.
New plan.
I say forget the stop motion.
What movie
do you guys want to make?
I want to make a movie
about farts.
Alright, great.
Let's do it.
Farts.
Zombies!
Zombies?
Awesome.
Boogers!
What else have we got?
It's a good start.
What else do we have here?
I want boogers in my movie.
Boogers.
There we go.
Butts.
Butts.
You guys are in the zone.
Keep it flowing.
Naked ninjas!
I'm not a zombie.
I'm just a boy.
But you're making
the zombie mask.
It doesn't matter
if it's your character.
You're just making it up.
Can it have more eyes than two?
Yes.
Zombies have as many eyes
as you want them to have.
Welcome to the "Brooklyn Kidz
Moovie Maker,
final screening."
First we screen
the advanced class,
and the non-advanced class.
Thank you for coming.
I wrote that speech.
I love farting.
I can't fart.
Oh, you guys.
They're beautiful.
Thank you so much.
You're welcome.
You guys are the best.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Shirin.
Hi, Ken.
So, that was...
Disgusting.
I'm so sorry.
Actually, I thought
it was hilarious.
Seriously?
Yeah.
I was crackin' up.
Thank you so much
for saying that.
Yeah.
Let's face it, farts are funny.
I agree.
Farts are funny.
Thank you.
Have you seen Carrington?
Hey, what are you doing here?
Hiding.
I'm sorry I've been
such a dick about Layli.
Aw, come on, forget it.
Come on, let's go inside.
My old roommate Maxine and I
were in a relationship.
Ah, so you're a lesbian.
I was pretty into
all the guys I was with,
so I think I'm bisexual.
And that's a thing?
I'm afraid so.
All right.
How do you think mom and dad
are gonna take it?
Oh, you're not gonna
tell them now that it's over.
Seems like a pretty big thing
to not be honest about.
Fine.
Just uh, wait until after
the wedding, alright?
You are such a dick.
Well, at least I'm not
a sexually confused narcissist.
Can we please go inside?
Hey, can I be your best man?
No, absolutely not.
I ate before I came.
Ow, fuck!
Ow! Shit.
I'm sorry I ruined your scarf.
Mom, I'm a little bit gay.
Yes, I am.
And I was in love with Maxine.
Shh.
Shirin, are you okay?
I'm okay.
Stop breathing so loud.
Okay.
Has your mom mentioned it?
No.
Maybe she didn't
understand what you meant.
No, she knows for sure
what's up.
I'm gonna bring it
up in about a month.
I'm proud of you.
Thanks.
There's a party
at the loft on Saturday.
You should bring that
waiter, Brendan.
Um, I would, but I kinda
want to see if Jacques
and Felicia try to seduce me.
It's never gonna happen.
I don't know why you think
they're swingers.
I just get that vibe.
You should invite
that gay lawyer.
Did you guys touch tongues?
No, we didn't,
and it actually hurt
my feelings.
No, you know, there are
people in this world
who go on first dates
that are perfectly great,
and then they wait a while
before they engage
in sexual contact.
That's disgusting.
I know, I think it all happens
outside of New York.
Maybe you're right.
When he texts me,
it's like he only texts me
using emoticons.
Why can't you use your words?
Do you know what I mean?
I think that he thinks that
that is like cute.
I and like...