April Fool's Day (2008) Movie Script

Put it in the foyer.
Right away, sir.
My God! Your finger!
You all right? You okay?
Grab a towel. Quick.
Michael, you all right?
My finger!
My God.
Wilford.
Quit messing around.
My guests will be here
any minute,
and I need you out front.
Yes, Miss Cartier.
Sorry, Wilford.
I'm just having a little fun.
Good one on me, sir.
Mikey.
Nice.
Uh...
Mr. Cartier made me do it.
Quite.
I'm so glad you
could make it.
I mean, I know this
isn't your thing.
Oh, what, and miss my opportunity
to create another masterpiece?
It's a hell of a tux, Ryan.
You sure do know how to pull
off the starving artist look.
I kind of like
the starving artist look.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
I am so sorry
we're late.
Did we miss the test?
No. We're still
waiting on Her Highness.
We spend half our life
waiting for her.
And you've spent half your
life spewing bullshit, Peter.
Hello, Desiree.
It's lovely to see you.
Peter's a politician in training.
What more can you expect
from that shit-eating grin?
Thanks, Blaine.
Here you go, sweetie.
So have you, uh, sampled
the main course yet?
Well, it looks amazing,
but I'm saving my appetite
for something else.
We still on
for polo on Saturday?
- Have I ever missed a match?
- You have not.
Ah, ah, ah.
You don't toast yourself, sweetie.
We toast you.
At each one of our
coming-out parties
where us sweet,
young, innocent girls
are introduced
into polite society,
we've all taken
a moment beforehand
to gather together
before the other--
Old fucks.
other guests arrive
to toast our guest of honor,
celebrate our friendships,
and welcome
our newest addition.
Don't be a lender
or a borrower.
Peter.
Thank you, Barbie.
As I was saying, Torrance,
we are so proud
to host your debutante ball
and welcome you
into our circle.
Which I think you'll find
will change your life forever.
May God help you
as the devil leads the way.
- Cheers.
Cheers.
Cheers.
What's so funny?
What happened
to your mouth?
April Fool's.
- What are you laughing at?
- Peter, try to keep up, okay?
- Jesus.
She got you.
Yeah, it's hilarious.
Don't worry, sweetie.
Since it's
your special night,
you'll be exempt
from being pranked.
Maybe.
Oh.
Torrance,
there is no one
more deserving
of this honor than--
- Fuck. Can we do that again?
- Yeah. Ready when you are.
As sponsor of your debut,
it is my honor
to welcome you
into our elite society.
Congratulations,
Torrance.
You deserve it.
Ooh, I'll take one more of
those where that came from.
Thank you, sir.
Hey, Charles, any well
wishes for the new debutante?
Yes, Torrance.
In the popularity race,
rehab rumors might get you
to the finish line,
but nothing secures
victory better
than a good
old-fashioned sex scandal.
Isn't that right,
Elty-pooh?
Perfect.
Also, uh--
- Thanks, Charles.
Hey, guys,
we're making
a video for Torrance.
- Do you have any advice?
- Yes, I do. Yes, I do.
Here you go.
Here you go. Hold that.
All right.
Okay? On me.
Torrance, my dear,
my wife and I
would like to extend
our hearty congratulations
on your coming-out party
and wish you well
with all your
future endea--
Ah.
How about you,
Miss Carolina?
Torrance, honey,
I'm honored
to call you my friend,
and I look forward to sharing
many happy years together.
Great.
Very sincere.
Oh, yeah. Um...
Marry rich
and don't get fat.
Endeavors.
Future endeavors.
Ryan, glad to see
you're living the dream.
- Guy thinks he's Hitchcock.
- Who?
I happen to be
working tonight, asshole.
Some people
have to earn a living.
Yeah. I earn interest.
You know what? take
a close-up of Katie here.
- Chloe.
- Whatever.
Isn't she beautiful?
How many times
do I have to tell you?
Champagne,
then hors d'oeuvres.
- Jesus.
- Sorry.
Des.
Have you seen Milan?
I think she just
walked in.
Milan.
Wow. You look divine.
You look stunning
as always.
Thank you.
Just threw myself together.
You know, this is all
looking very familiar.
Well, it's not nearly
as beautiful as your ball.
But we did miss having you
here for the pre-party toast.
Well, I've been working
so much with my charities,
I haven't had time for as
much socializing or traditions.
Admirable.
So are you still working
with those...retarded--
Developmentally
disabled children?
Yes.
- Hmm.
- They're so adorable.
You know, helping others
is incredibly rewarding.
Hmm.
Envy is an ugly shade
for you, Desiree.
I don't know
the meaning of the word.
Oh, and for the record,
I don't partake
in the type of exploits
that make Milan Hastings
so popular with the boys.
You know, as someone who
writes gossip for a living,
I should would appreciate any
light you can shed on these...
cries for attention.
- Well...
- Hmm?
let's just say someone had
to stock up on her penicillin.
Milan Hastings.
Goody two-shoes
and village bicycle.
- Hmm.
- What, you didn't know?
Feel free to use that
for your website.
You know, how do I know
you're not up to another one
of your little tricks?
Hmm?
Contrary to popular opinion,
I actually do try
to verify my sources.
Suit yourself.
Oh, Desiree.
Gossip has a poison for
which there is no antidote.
Excuse me, young man.
Elty's getting
a little sleepy.
Would you mind taking him
to the Woodland room for me?
Tuck him in.
Make yourself a drink.
Bye, Elty.
It's okay, baby. Yeah.
He's a nice young man.
So there we were
in the Alaskan tundra
on a hunting trip.
My father gave me that knife
after my first kill.
See that gun?
This was my next kill.
The animal never
knew what hit it.
Excuse us.
Blaine.
You still on
for later tonight with Milan?
As long as you
quit pestering me
about that stupid SL-550,
then yes.
It's not fair.
Why should you get to decide
how I spend my money?
Because that's what father
stated in our trust.
Besides, you have
a perfectly fine automobile.
My car is an eyesore.
It's a 2007, Desiree.
You don't need
a new Mercedes every year.
Fine. Whatever.
Just stick to the plan,
all right?
I'm counting on you.
Well, it shouldn't
be too difficult.
She's been begging
for it for years.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please allow me
the honor of presenting
at her official debut,
Miss Torrance Caldwell.
She will be escorted
by her father,
Mr. Lawrence Caldwell III.
You know, if this wasn't a front
for another one of your pranks,
Mom and Dad would
have been so proud.
Thanks.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the future leader
of your children.
Brian. Brian, come here.
It's Ryan.
- Brian, come here.
- It's Ryan.
I'm gonna tell you something
I am not gonna tell you.
Before I devoted myself
and sacrificed myself
to getting votes
and being loved by everyone
and helping people
with their hearts and souls,
I wanted to be a bartender
like the Jerry Maguire
in the Cocktail.
# I'm on a beach
and I'm doing my thing #
Will you excuse me?
# I'm on the--#
I'm a badass.
Oh, my--
Peter, people are watching.
Ryan, stop. Ryan--
Hey, if that ends up
on the Inter-web,
I will have you raped
by a wizard.
Glass of champagne.
Yeah. And that
is a promise, not a threat.
Yeah? What it's
worth to you, Peter?
Everything
you got, effer.
Oh. Okay.
Hey, Barbie.
Milan, it's
so nice to see you.
You haven't been
around much lately.
You wouldn't believe
how much work
the Gifted Child
Foundation is.
Really?
I can't believe my mother
started it single-handedly.
Yes.
Oh, and congratulations
on that whole
Miss Carolina thing.
What an honor.
You know,
I didn't even realize
they let
married ladies compete.
Well, we had just
gotten engaged,
so I was still eligible.
Oh. Hello, Peter.
How have you been?
Running the Senate yet?
A campaign's like
a well-oiled machine.
Campaign machine.
Politics.
I think
it's time to go.
Ryan, how are you?
Good. How are you?
Good. So how's the whole
movie thing been going?
It's, um...
It's...
I'm sorry. I just haven't
seen you since--
Well...
Torrance. Torrance.
Sorry. I didn't mean
to scare you.
It's okay. I'm a little
distracted tonight.
- It's a big night.
- Yeah.
Did I tell you
I got an agent?
Guess those
acting classes paid off.
Everything's
happening so quickly.
Hmm.
You know, this whole scene
can be pretty overwhelming.
Just do yourself a favor.
Don't lose yourself
in their world.
What do you mean?
I mean, we've all
been very fortunate.
But most of them use
their wealth and privilege
only to benefit themselves.
They have everything
they want,
yet they'd do anything
for a little more.
I don't know.
I guess what I'm trying
to say is just be careful.
Boo.
Obsess much?
Tan much?
She is beautiful.
When are you gonna get
the nerve and ask her out?
- Who's that, Milan?
- Mm-hmm.
We're just old friends.
It'd be weird.
Yeah. Right.
Charles, why don't you jump
in the pool with the girls?
Well, first of all,
they're not playing
with the right equipment.
And secondly,
you know I can't swim.
Oh, my.
You'll have to pardon me.
Charles just found
his dessert for the evening.
Yoo-hoo! Young man,
may I have a word with you?
- Hey, you.
- Hey.
That looks good.
Here you are.
I guess this is why I
rarely attend these things.
Ah, they're just
blowing off steam.
From what?
Deciding whether to summer
in the vineyard or Lake Como?
I'm sorry.
I just don't feel I'm part
of this world anymore.
Well, that's too bad,
'cause I would love
a little of you in my world.
Blaine, you never let up.
You know, I'm not one
of your little debu-tarts.
You know, I was planning
on laying it on
pretty thick tonight,
but I have just been
myself around you.
Really?
Yeah. I don't know
what it is.
I'm comfortable with you.
I don't have to pull
any tricks, you know.
You're too smart for that.
Oh, the champagne's
hitting me pretty hard.
Here.
You all right?
Yeah. I'm fine.
Oh. Ah. Oh. Ah.
Um, why don't--
why don't we
get you some water?
Come on.
Here. Watch yourself.
Right this way.
Let me get you that water.
Be right back.
There you go.
- Thanks.
- Absolutely.
Here. I got it.
What kind of girl
do you think I am?
Huh?
I, uh...I think
I have an idea.
What's that? What's that?
There we go.
Once this hits the Internet,
Milan is finished.
Hey!
Shh.
- Shh.
- Sorry.
I'll be goddamned.
It's a wooden door.
It's hardwood.
Pine.
Oh, gorgeous.
I'm gonna get something
in the bathroom.
Okay.
What are you guys doing?
Des, why do you
have my camera?
I'm just borrowing it.
But you don't
wanna see this.
What the fuck's going on?
Oh!
- So, did you miss me?
- Hold on a second.
Geez, Milan, I've been
wanting this for a long time.
Are you all right?
I can't.
I just don't--
I don't feel right.
What's wrong?
What's the matter?
I just don't feel right.
What are you guys doing?
This isn't funny.
April Fool's Day,
bitch.
Hey, what's wrong?
Hey, hey.
What's the matter?
You all right?
She's falling back.
Get her! Hey!
- Milan!
- Oh, Milan!
Milan, get up, please.
Milan, please get up.
Please, get up.
Please get up.
Call somebody.
Oh, my God.
Milan, wake up. Wake up.
What have you guys done?
What have you guys done?
The terms of the trust
clearly delineate
that any outwards
and evident citations
of questionable character
and/or any
illegal activity
are grounds for removal.
In light of the inquiry into
the death of Milan Hastings
and with the more
recent allegations
of sexual misconduct
involving Mr. Cartier,
I have no choice
but to revoke
his responsibilities
as executor
of the Cartier estate
and hereby designate
Desiree Cartier
primary beneficiary in control
of the family trust.
On today's edition
of Susan Moyer,
we are headed to the South
where an April Fool's Day
prank turns tragic.
Now, this case has been
dragging on for months.
And joining us now
via satellite
is WDZB of the Carolinas
reporter Seaton Motley.
- Seaton.
- Hey, Susan.
Hello, Seaton.
So this started
as just your run-of-the-mill
debutante ball?
- Is that right?
- Well, no, not exactly.
It was hosted by the city's
elite Cartier family.
Oh, the Kennedys
of the Carolinas, right?
Yeah.
- But someone died.
- Yeah.
Died. At a ball?
This was supposed
to celebrate
someone coming out,
not going out.
Well, what came out
at the hearing
is that it was all
supposed to be a prank,
but obviously it
turned out horribly wrong.
Yeah. Very wrong.
Now, viewers, what you
are about to see
is not for
the faint of heart.
Hey, hey, hey.
She's falling back.
Get her! Milan!
Oh, Milan!
Milan!
Toxicology reports show
that the socialite died
from an adverse reaction
of a drug.
I believe it was a roofie.
Is that right, Seaton?
That's correct.
Now, here we have this
rich kid, Blaine Cartier.
He has got a history
of sexual misconduct,
and no one is raising
red flags here?
Alleged sexual misconduct.
Let's be fair.
These debutantes started
coming out of the woodwork
after the story broke.
So they could be riding
the media bandwagon
for all we know.
That may be so.
Also joining us today
is gossip columnist
and blog king,
Charles Lansford.
- Hello, Susan.
- Hello, Charles.
So you not only
report on the elite,
you're a member of
the inner circle as well.
Matter of fact, you just
finished writing a book
in a record amount
of time, I might add,
regarding this
particular case.
- Is that right?
- Thank you. Yes, I have.
And my book is titled,
"Lifestyles
of the Rich and Deadly"
and will be available
in stores across the nation
on July 8.
Well, from what
I've been told,
you were actually considered
a co-conspirator in this case.
Actually, the media
misconstrued that.
Here's what
I'm trying to figure out
is exactly what
what went wrong that night.
What started out trying
to catch a couple of kids--
pardon the expression--
with their pants down
ended up with this young woman
falling to her death.
The Cartiers were trying
to embarrass Milan Hastings
for quite some time.
You see, Desiree Cartier had
a longstanding rivalry with her.
Susan, I wanna add
one more thing, too.
This is not the first time
that one of the Cartier's stunts
has landed them
in hot water.
We have to take
a quick commercial break.
When we come back,
more on the Cartiers' son
and his dalliances.
Don't feel bad, Blaine.
It happens
to a lot of guys.
I've had a lot
on my mind lately.
Elton.
Elton.
Elton!
Elty!
Elton!
Come on, smoochy-bear.
Elton?
Elton.
Elton!
Elty!
Elton.
Elty.
Elton!
Oh, God.
Elty! Elty!
Swim.
Swim, Elty. Come on, boy.
Elty.
Oh, God!
What the fuck?
Miss Cartier.
Jesus.
So sorry, Miss Cartier.
I didn't mean to frighten you.
It's fine, Wilford.
I'm just...having a
rough morning, that's all.
I found this at the door
earlier this morning.
Thank you.
Do you know
where Blaine is?
I believe he spent
the night downtown
at the Cartier suite.
Is everything all right?
Yeah. Yeah, everything's
fine, thank you.
What up? It's Blaine.
Leave a message if you want.
I could care less.
Hey.
Shit. I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- Watch it, bitch.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
What is your problem?
Go away.
Yeah. I don't need anything.
Come back later.
Open the fucking
door, Blaine.
It's so dark in here.
So I get this
this morning.
I don't know what it is.
I wouldn't worry about it.
I'm sure it's just somebody
trying to screw with you.
Yeah? Then they're trying
to screw with you, too.
How do they know
I'm staying here?
I don't know. What,
you think it's a joke?
Well, I don't know, Des.
You tell me.
You're the expert, right?
Oh, come on.
Well, considering
your track record,
I don't think it's that
far off from the truth.
I've spent the past year
regretting what
happened to Milan,
but it was an accident.
And I've finally
come to terms with that.
What if someone
has something on us, Des?
I can't go
through another hearing.
They don't.
We didn't kill Milan.
Look, I say we just
go to the gravesite
and see what they want.
Hey.
Hey.
How are you?
I'm okay.
I never really got
a chance to say good-bye
to her, you know?
Yeah.
Me neither.
How are you?
Okay.
It still haunts me,
you know?
You didn't really have
anything to do with it.
It still happened
at my debut.
It's all bullshit.
They don't even care
that she's dead.
They just care
about their reputations.
Hey, you guys.
Hey.
Hey.
You guys get
the invitation, too?
Is it just us four?
Guess not.
Well, just like old times.
Blaine.
Peter.
It's good
to see you.
It's good to see you.
Desiree. I'm assuming
we're here because of you,
ringleader.
Don't start
with me, Peter.
Well, it looks like
there's no big surprises
around the corner,
so if you'll excuse us.
Hold on a sec.
You guys expecting
a package?
Who's it from?
- M. Hastings.
- What?
Can I get someone
to sign for it?
I'll do it.
Okay. Thank you.
"Dear friends,
"a year has passed
since my tragic death.
"I was hoping
one of you, for once,
accept responsibility."
- What else?
- "But you didn't.
"I know which one of you
is responsible.
"The question is, are you
capable of admitting it?
"If my murderer
doesn't come forward,
"then each and every
one of you will die
"throughout the course
of this April Fool's Day.
"If you go to the police,
you will die.
"And if you think this
is some sort of prank,
"please see the enclosed.
All my love. Milan."
Desiree, if this is another
one of your stupid pranks--
You think I would joke
about something like this?
Well, what
the hell's going on?
What's that?
The enclosed.
It's Charles.
- What is this, a joke?
Help!
Go figure. The guy who made
a fortune off our miseries
is back for more.
What the fuck?
He can't swim.
Oh, my God.
What the fuck is that?
You know what?
I'm not buying it.
Is this his idea
of a joke?
So, everybody,
it's been great catching up,
but Barbie and I
simply don't have time
for this kind of stuff
anymore, so afternoon.
Peter--
Peter. Peter,
come on, man. Hey!
We should just
call the cops.
And have everyone
laugh at us
for one of Charles'
dumbass pranks?
I don't think so.
I say we go to his house.
What? No. It's not safe.
Des, please. The guy's
just fucking with us.
Let's go.
Thank you.
Let's try around back.
Charles.
Charles.
Oh, my God.
Wait.
It's okay.
Give me your hand.
Give me your hand.
Desiree, it's okay.
Just calm down.
Torrance,
get her out of here.
We need to call the cops.
You guys all right?
I had to grab the dog.
I couldn't leave him.
Charles is dead.
No shit.
Look, I say we just--
we just need to gather
our senses here and--
If the person who killed Milan
doesn't come forward,
then any one of us
could be next.
Ryan,
slow down, all right?
Who's to say
any of us killed her?
And whoever this is
could be bluffing or crazy
or they could have
even killed Milan.
We need
to call the cops.
I don't know about you,
but if I get implicated
in another fucking murder in
this town, I'm fucking finished.
Don't talk
to her like that.
Sounds to me like you're the one
who's hiding something, Blaine.
I don't have
anything to hide.
I was with all you guys
at the damn cemetery.
Not last night you weren't.
And the video was
obviously made at night.
I was in my suite last night,
all night, with Sara.
- You can ask her.
- Is that true?
Tell him, Des.
Well, you were alone
when I showed up at your hotel.
Fine.
Where were you last night?
I was at home.
Any of the servants
can verify that.
Can they?
Yes, they can.
And where were you, Ryan?
I was at my apartment
doing a project.
- Do you have any witnesses?
- I live alone.
I can stay.
I'll call the cops, and I'll
tell them that I found Charles.
I was at rehearsal last night.
The cast and the director
will say I was there.
All night?
The director
can vouch for me.
Good God, Torrance.
Who are you
to criticize me, Desiree?
Guys, let's calm down.
I say we make an anonymous
phone call from a pay phone
and go on with our business.
This is for the cops.
Let 'em find Charles' body
and decide for themselves.
He's right.
He's right.
You make the call.
Thanks, Ryan.
Well, I have to go
cover a pageant.
I can't afford to lose
the fucking gig.
So, uh, Barbie
will be there.
I'll tell her
about Charles.
Torrance,
can I get a ride?
Yeah.
I think there's a pay phone
on the corner of Fifth.
Are you sure
you wanna do this?
What other choice
do we have?
Peter Welling for Senate.
Peter Welling for President.
I could be an astronaut
if I wanna be.
I could be a race car driver.
Uh, come in.
That's-That's far enough
right there.
What you got?
Just the new poll numbers.
- And how are they?
- Not so hot.
That's fine, Stuart.
Don't--you don't have
to come any closer.
Thought after that pro-life
rally, I'd be on top.
Peter, it's April 1.
We talked about the fact
that this one-year
anniversary would haunt us.
I know.
I just didn't realize.
It's okay. We'll just do
a little spin control.
We'll do a few more visits,
some town hall meetings.
There's that new pediatric wing
that's opening up this week.
No. That's--no, that's fine.
I'm not gonna do that.
I don't like
the smell of those--
- What, hospitals?
- No. The babies.
I don't like--
They got the little hands
and the faces.
- Peter.
- Yeah.
You're gonna have
to do something.
It's your first campaign.
If you don't come out on top,
it's gonna
set you back for years.
Hey, Stuart, you know,
it's gonna be okay.
I'm kind of in the middle
of something right now, so...
Okay.
You're doing a heck of a job.
I could be
whatever I wanna be.
I could be God.
# And a whole lot richer #
# And whole lot busier #
# And that's gonna make me
spit a whole lot trickier #
Hello. This is
Barbie Reynolds.
Please leave a brief message,
and I'll return your call.
Still no answer.
Look, don't panic yet.
If she's in the middle
of an event,
she's probably
not picking up.
Plus Ryan should be
with her by now.
Elton, knock it off!
# You'll see I'm badder #
# Anything else
doesn't matter #
# It's all
about check size #
# I ain't gotta
respect guys #
# They already know
I'll choke 'em to death #
# By their neckties #
# On the spot, no probs,
no playin' #
# I told y'all I don't
freestyle no rap with no pain #
Hello. DCC Couriers.
How can we help you today?
Hi. I just need
to get an address.
I still can't get ahold
of Peter and Barbie.
And now Ryan's
not answering his phone.
Desiree, don't panic.
I'm not panicking.
Elton!
What time do you
get off set?
First I need to tell you
what Ryan said earlier today.
Why? What did he say
at the cemetery?
He was acting strange
and saying some weird things.
- He was creeping me out.
- I got to call you back.
Desiree--
- What did the police say?
- I called the courier service.
What, are you gonna ship
Charles' body to 'em?
No. I was thinking,
the courier said
it came from M. Hastings,
so there had to be
an address attached, right?
So I found out what it was.
1443 Smith Street.
Yeah, but we don't know
anyone who lives around here.
Yes, we do.
Ryan.
Stand right there.
Okay. Then if you
can come forward.
Now let's get one
with Ms. Carolina.
Miss.
Miss.
All right. Miss Carolina,
you can take 15 now.
I just need
the young ladies.
- Ow!
Whoa.
Shit. How are we
supposed to find Ryan?
I'll go find him.
You get to Barbie.
Excuse me. Miss Carolina?
Miss Carolina. Miss Carolina.
Miss Carolina is down
the door to the right.
Just go fix it. Just fix it.
I know that.
And if wanted blue toothpicks,
I would've ordered
blue toothpicks.
Oh, my God. Barbie.
What?
Goddamn it.
Can't I just relax
before a shoot?
Oh, my God.
You're okay.
Of course I'm okay.
Are you acting crazy
after all the bullshit
in the cemetery earlier?
- Well?
- I'm sorry.
The circuit breaker's
been acting up.
It seems just
to be affecting your room.
We do have somebody
working on it. I'm sorry.
Guess they're just
gonna have to wait
for their little shoot
now, aren't they?
Wait. Ryan talked
to you, didn't he?
I saw him at the pageant.
And he didn't say
anything about Charles,
about what we found?
I can't see shit.
I'm gonna go out there
looking like Amy Winehouse.
Yes?
Me again.
These just came for you.
Oh!
What a sweetie.
- Huh?
- Who are they from?
Is there something
in the vase?
Maybe the florist...
Oh, fuck!
Oh, my God. Okay.
You okay?
I'll--I'll--I'll
get you a towel.
Don't worry about it.
Oh, God.
Do you mind?
Goddamn it.
What the hell?
It's two minutes,
Miss Reynolds.
What about my goddamn lights?
Oh, my God. Barbie.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
Oh, my...
Where's Barbie?
What?
No, no, no, no, no.
She was right here.
She was right here.
And the--and the--
and the vase, it was--
After what
happened today?
It's a sick joke.
No, no.
She was right here.
She was...
Peter...
Milan. What?
"It's...
...she'll kill us..." What?
Blaine, listen to me.
Ryan, I know what I saw.
Look, Des.
Just because of what
happened to Charles,
we can't let our
imaginations run wild.
We have to keep it
together. Okay?
No. You sent the package
to the cemetery.
- What? No, I didn't.
- And you sent the roses.
Des, I didn't send
anything to anybody.
Tell him, Blaine.
Look, we called the courier
service, all right?
They said the package
came from your address.
So fucking what?
All of you know my address.
Any one of you
could have sent it.
Hell, I get letters
from Peter's goddamn
campaign office every day.
- And I'm a Democrat.
- Shit.
- Shit. Peter.
- Exactly.
Instead of your pointing fingers at
each other, let's go check on Peter.
It's just your imagination.
You okay?
- Yeah.
Cut!
What the hell, Chuck?
What's going on
with my blood pumps?
I don't know
what's wrong with it.
Fuck me.
All right, let's
re-dress the set.
Can somebody
get me Emily?
Torrance, why don't you
go on back to your trailer?
It's gonna be
a little while, all right?
- Yeah.
- There you go. Okay.
Chuck, how long
it's gonna take?
- 10, 15 minutes.
- We got an hour!
- April Fool's.
- You assholes.
Sorry, hon.
They've been getting
everybody all day with that.
- What's this?
- Just read it.
So what? Peter
and Milan had an affair.
Is that true?
This could mean one
of two things, all right?
Either Peter and Milan
continued this affair
and Barbie killed her
or B, Peter killed Milan
to cover up
a potential scandal.
- Then who killed Barbie?
- We don't even know if Barbie's dead.
And even if she is, maybe she
came forward about killing Milan
and then the killer came
forward and killed Barbie.
- Wait. Wait. Wait. What?
You know what?
I know what I saw.
And we all saw
Charles, right?
I mean, something
is not adding up.
We don't know what's
going on, all right?
But the way
we left Charles...
it's just not right.
I got to call the police.
I'll deal
with the consequences.
I know that
I didn't kill Milan.
I don't care if
somebody has evidence.
The fact is, I'm innocent.
South Point
Police station.
Hi. It's Blaine Cartier.
I need to report a murder.
I'll direct your call
to Homicide.
Homicide.
Hi. This is Blaine Cartier.
I need to report a murder.
What? Blaine Cartier?
Listen, son. These pranks,
they need to stop.
This is the fifth phone call
I've received from you today.
If this is the real
Blaine Cartier,
the next call
I get from you
better be you reporting
your own murder.
We're so screwed.
Excuse me. Do you know where
we could find Peter Welling?
I think you just
missed him, hon.
You can check his office.
And if he's not there,
he's probably left
for his appointment.
He parks
on the basement level.
I'll go look
in his office.
If he's not there,
we'll check the garage.
Where is she?
Huh? I don't know.
She was just right here.
Beautiful.
That's just beautiful.
Peter!
Desiree,
what do you want?
Peter, I need
to talk to you.
Nope. Nope. I am not
getting involved this time.
Peter, listen to me,
damn it.
- Listen to me.
- What?
- I need to talk to you.
- Look.
I have to earn
the voters' confidence.
- Listen to me.
- I have votes to earn, okay?
- Do you understand that?
- Please, you have to explain--
- My value wagon.
- Peter!
Oh, no!
Peter!
Oh, Peter.
No, please, no.
Fuck!
Hello.
Where are you? I've called
you like a hundred times.
I'm at Peter's office
where you left me.
Peter is dead. He got
ran over by his value wagon.
What?
Why are you laughing?
I'm serious.
Where's the van?
You following it?
I'm following it now.
Desiree, hey, look,
where are you?
Tell me exactly
where you're at.
Shit. Shit.
I think she sees me.
What? Who sees you?
Desiree, what are you talking about?
What's going on?
- Milan.
- Milan?
What the hell are you talking about?
Desiree.
Hey. Hello?
- Des.
- Shit!
Shit!
Fuck! Fuck!
Des, you okay?
Blaine, I lost it.
Okay, look, slow down
and tell me where you're at.
I'll come get you.
Are you hurt?
Wait. I see it. Wait.
You see the van?
Where are you?
I'm on Kellogg
and Oaklawn.
- Just stay there--
- I got to go.
Oh, no.
Torrance.
Do you have a drive-on?
Yeah. I'm here to see Torrance
Caldwell for Boogie Blades 2.
- Is she expecting you?
- Yes. I have a drive-on. Please.
- Your name?
- Desiree Cartier.
- Okay, you can go in.
- Thank you.
Excuse me. Where's
Torrance Caldwell's trailer?
- Fifth one down.
- Here. Thanks.
Jesus!
Oh!
My God.
Oh!
You look like Milan.
Desiree, it's a wig.
It's for the movie.
Listen. Peter
and Barbie are dead,
and I think that the murderer's
after you because I followed him here.
Look, we can't stay here.
It's not safe.
Desiree, you're
not making sense.
I have to get ready
for the next scene.
Jesus, I think
I'm losing my mind.
I think they're dead.
I saw them, and then--
You have to tell me
what Ryan said to you
today at the cemetery.
I don't know.
He was so angry.
He kept on saying how
we all got what we deserved
for causing Milan's death.
He was always
in love with her.
There's something you
need to know about Ryan,
something I should have
said a long time ago.
What?
What the hell is going on?
You okay?
Yeah. Where's Ryan?
He took off in a hurry
after you called.
He kept mumbling something about needing
to get more information off the laptop.
Listen. I don't know
what this means,
but for the past year,
I've caught him more
than once watching me.
Watching you?
Yeah.
He was hiding,
and I think
he was videotaping me.
I was on a date and he was
outside of the restaurant.
I was at the mall and he was
even in the parking garage.
What?
Okay, so he's
got a fetish.
I know he's a weird guy, but
just because he has an odd hobby,
that doesn't make him
a murderer.
That's exactly why I didn't say
anything, but now...I don't know.
I was really uncomfortable
giving him a ride home.
Yeah, but who else is he spying
on with that video camera?
Is he taping us?
Torrance,
can you take Elton?
Yeah.
Let's go figure this out.
Do you think it was okay
we left Torrance at set?
Des, she'll be fine.
She said the director
was taking her home
and that there
was more security
than crew members
on that thing.
There's not even anyone
famous in that movie, right?
Here's Ryan's apartment.
What a shithole.
I believe the term
is heroin chic.
This is it.
Now what?
Bingo.
Ah, Jesus.
God.
Did someone die in here?
Ho-ly shit.
What's this?
I have no idea.
W-w-wait.
I believe we've moved
beyond a hobby here.
"I have proof."
The letter that we got,
it said "I have proof."
It's definitely
him, all right.
Who are you calling?
911.
What's your emergency?
Three people have been murdered.
Put me through to Homicide.
- What's your name, sir?
- Anonymous caller.
We're at the Windsor apartments
at Fifth and Smith, apartment 211.
Okay.
- There have been three murders.
- We believe we know
the person responsi--
Hello. You've reached Ryan.
I'm not around.
You know what to do.
Hi, Ryan. This is Emily
from the Miss Carolina pageant.
Please call me when
you get in. Thank you.
Ryan. Ryan, Ryan,
hang in there, buddy.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey.
Hey, don't--
Hey, hey, Ryan.
Ryan, come on.
Come on, buddy.
- Stay with me. Hey, come on.
- What?
- Milan...
- No, don't--
Don't you--No.
- Milan...
- Oh, my God.
G--
Ryan--
Wait. Wait.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Please. Please, Ryan.
No, no, no, no, no.
Wha-What is that?
It's the knife Dad got me.
- What?
- No, no.
What is going--
Des, someone's trying to set us up.
We got to get out of here.
- What are you doing?
- We got to get out of here.
We got to get out of here.
No.
Des, come on.
Let's go. Let's go.
No.
Nah. That call
was a hang-up.
Man, if this is another
goddamn April Fool's joke,
I'm gonna shoot somebody
in the ass.
Ah, shit, man.
I forgot my cuffs.
So? Go get 'em.
All right.
I'll be right back.
Hey. You guys
have a nice night.
Hey, Paul, it was not a prank.
- You, too, officer.
We got a fresh one here.
The perp must have left recently.
Hello.
Torrance, it's not Ryan.
He's dead.
Whoever's doing this
is still out there.
- Desiree, slow down.
- The killer.
The killer is still out
there. You're not safe.
Listen. Are you still
with your director friend?
No. He's having rehearsal
with one of the child actors.
Okay, well, you're
not safe alone,
so just come over
as soon as you can.
We'll be safer
together, okay?
- How do I know that?
- What?
Desiree, I'm sorry, but you are the
common denominator on all these murders.
What? How could you
say that?
You were there
at every murder.
How do I know that you're
not the one doing this?
Torrance, that's insane.
Just--Just come over
as soon as you can.
Sorry, Des. I think
I'll take my chances.
What?
What'd she say?
She's--
She said
she's not coming over.
Fuck her.
Wilford!
I'm gonna check upstairs.
Blaine?
Desiree.
Des-i-ree.
Des-i-ree,
I'm gonna find you.
Des, help me!
Blaine?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Who did this? Who did this?
Behind you.
I did.
Drop the knife,
Desiree.
Torrance, listen to me.
Neither one of us killed Milan, okay?
You're lying, Blaine.
He's not lying.
Just--just put down the gun,
and we'll--and we'll sort
everything out, okay?
I have a better idea.
Charles is dead.
Barbie and Peter are dead.
So is poor Ryan.
And then there were three.
And all you had
to do was admit
that you killed Milan,
and all of this
could have been avoided.
It was an accident.
None of us killed her.
It was a stupid prank.
A stupid prank, huh?
So what, it was
a coincidence
that the drug
Des slipped Milan
has caused her seizure?
No way.
It's not true.
Rather than coming forward,
you've chosen to let
your friends die,
one by one.
Well,
here's your
last chance.
It was an accident,
Torrance.
I don't know what else
to tell you. Just please.
Ahh. Ahh!
Fuck.
Everybody said
you were heartless,
but I defended you
for the past year.
I was a fool.
People like you should
be removed from society.
You're a menace.
A menace?
You killed five people!
Those people ruined
my debut!
My ball!
A so-called party
you threw for me
was just a front
for your stupid prank.
You used me.
It's time
for you to go.
Good-bye, Desiree.
Wait!
Wait. I killed Milan.
I did it. I did it.
It was you.
I gave her the roofie.
But I didn't mean
for her to die. I--
I was just trying
to get back at Blaine
for lording the inheritance
over me all this time,
and I thought that--
I thought if
he got in trouble--
I thought if he got caught
for roofie-ing Milan that--
I just--
I didn't know she
would react that way.
I didn't know
she would fall.
I didn't mean for
anyone to get involved.
But you said nothing.
You let us go
through the ringer,
the court hearings,
the press.
We were innocent.
Innocent?
Innocent?
By innocent,
you mean Charles,
the social-climbing fag
who built a small empire
by exploiting
Milan's death?
Or how about Peter?
The so-called politician
who didn't have enough smarts
to keep his dick
in his pants.
Maybe Barbie who'd rather
send death threats to Milan
than take on marital issues
with her husband.
Nobody, nobody was happier
to see her dead than them.
And let's not forget about
that obsessive creep Ryan
who'd rather see Milan in
a box than with anybody else.
And Blaine,
Blaine didn't care
about anybody.
He didn't even
think twice
about participating
in my little stunt,
and he paid dearly.
You're a horrible person.
I may have
accidentally killed her,
but it takes a naive
person like yourself
to call those
people innocent.
I don't deserve to die
any more than they did.
You finished?
What?
What?
Boo.
April Fool's, bitch.
Oh, this will be great
for my fag social-climbing website.
Hello, Desiree.
- Did you get all that?
- Sounds pretty conclusive to me.
You remember
Mr. Ellsworth, right?
He represented me
after you killed Milan
and let me take the fall?
Oh, my God.
I'm so happy
you guys are alive.
Look at her face.
That look is priceless.
Wow. That--That
was really good, you guys.
Wow. You got me.
Give it a rest, Desiree.
I think you've shown
your true colors.
What?
We all knew you had more
to do with Milan's death,
but like the investigators,
we didn't have
strong enough evidence.
We were tired of having
our reputations in jeopardy
as long as Milan's death
was still a mystery.
So after weeks
of planning,
I enlisted the help
of my friends
to try and provoke
a confession out of you.
It worked.
Wilford?
Why?
Because you were always
such an insufferable bitch.
Ryan
orchestrated most of it.
It was his idea
to dress up Torrance
and have her
haunt you as Milan.
Hell of a job, brother.
Creating the illusion
was no small task.
We had to figure out a way that would
lead you from one place to the next.
Find Charles,
Peter and Milan's
supposed affair,
Ryan's weird obsession.
Well, you get the idea.
It's all over now,
Desiree.
The prankster
has become the pranked.
April Fool's.
Wha--
But the poli--
The police are after us.
Nah. Actors
from Torrance's movie.
We got them for scale.
But I saw all of you die
with my own eyes. I saw it.
Got the FX guy from my movie
to help us with that.
What?
Did a pretty
good job, huh?
Ha! Squibs.
Ahh!
The gun--
They're blanks,
Desiree.
See?
Oh, my.
Oh, God!
- What have you done?
I didn't do that. I just
did what you told me to do.
I didn't tell you to blow
her fucking head off.
What the hell happened?
I don't know. I guess somebody
tampered with the gun.
Oh, God.
You--You planned this,
didn't you?
Are you fucking nuts?
I could've just as easily
caught this bullet.
How could
I have known, huh?
Oh, God.
Your Honor,
I fully acknowledge
and take responsibility
for the danger
in which I've put
my family and friends.
But I categorically deny
any allegations of doing so
with the intention
of killing anyone.
Thank you.
Torrance Caldwell,
you are hereby acquitted
of all charges
in the death
of Desiree Cartier.
Citing the cause of death
of the primary beneficiary,
I hereby name Blaine Cartier
executor and sole beneficiary
of the family trust.
Mr. Cartier
will not be answering
any questions at this time.
While my client
is deeply grateful
for regaining control
of the Cartier estate,
he would throw it all away if
it meant having his sister back.
# I hear noises and screams
from the outside #
# I've never seen them, the
dumb things they can't hide #
# Do you #
# Remember the sound
when they weren't there? #
# The sound of silence
that's not there #
For you regular viewers,
you may remember
Catastrophe in the Carolinas.
We covered it
about a year ago.
Basically, a bunch
of trust-fund babies
got away with murder
when their so-called
April Fool's Day prank
resulted in the death
of an innocent altruist.
Well, folks,
justice has been served.
Joining me now
live via satellite
is Charles Lansford.
He is the host
of the new show,
"Charles' Celebrity Corner."
Hello, Susan.
Hello, Charles.
So good to have you with us.
The last time we talked,
we were speaking
about the death
of Milan Hastings.
Now, here we are
a year later
talking about yet
another death--
this time
the woman responsible
for Miss Hastings'
untimely demise,
Desiree Cartier.
That's right, Susan.
After there was no justice
in the Hastings death,
I knew I had
to do something.
So I did a little
of my own investigating,
and I suspected that
the late Desiree Cartier
was more involved than
she originally let on.
So why another prank?
Well, Desiree
was never the type
to own up to any
sort of wrongdoing.
I could have told you
that point-blank.
In fact, we were
summering once in the Cape--
Or was it Mattapoisett?
Well, I can't
remember, Susan.
What was my point?
So you got her
to confess this time.
Yes.
But she died.
Yes.
Whereas I'm glad
that the nonsense surrounding
the Hastings death
has finally come to light,
but at the same time,
I'm also heartbroken
that an accident has taken
Miss Cartier's life.
So she was
accidentally shot.
Yes.
I am 100 percent,
absolutely positive,
that it was an accident.
How is her brother
holding up?
From what I understand,
he gains to inherit
the entire Cartier estate.
Well, Blaine and I have
been friends for many years.
And believe me
when I tell you,
no amount of money is ever
gonna wash away the pain
he is feeling right now.
He, as we all are,
are deeply disturbed
by his sister's
malicious acts,
but it is still
his sister.
Well, Charles, why don't
you tell our viewers now
about your new show?
Absolutely, Susan.
The first two episodes
got rave reviews.
We do everything
from celebrity sightings
to who's hot, who's not,
who's going up,
who's going down, and who's
going in, and who's going out.
Chit-chat with Charles.
# I started making my way
towards downtown #
# Past cathedrals and shops
that are torn down #
# Can't you #
# Remember the faces
that aren't there? #
# Familiar faces
that aren't there now #
# My fallen son #
# The war's begun #
# I never thought that
there'd be anyone after me #
# Changing time #
# Senseless crime #
# I never thought that
there'd be anyone after #