Army of One (2016) Movie Script

1
Our next guest, dubbed
"The Rocky Mountain Rambo,"
got tired of waiting himself,
so he traveled to Pakistan.
How close did you
actually get to bin Laden?
Tonight with Gary Faulkner.
This is
Gary Faulkner. Good luck.
Gary is an adventurer
who set his sites
- on hunting Osama bin Laden.
- Gary Faulkner
made headlines for travelling
to Pakistan
to capture Osama bin Laden.
Dateline 2004.
Land... the lawless,
tribal region of Pakistan.
Our story concerns
Gary Faulkner,
a part-time construction worker
with bad kidneys
and a full-time
American patriot,
who, after years of watching
the United States
fruitlessly hunt
for Osama bin Laden,
claimed he was visited by God
and accepted a mission to find
and capture bin Laden himself.
Armed with only a sword
and knife,
Mr. Faulkner travelled to one
of the most dangerous places
on the planet
to bring bin Laden to justice.
Here I come!
As strange
as it is compelling,
this is a true story,
or a story
that has truth in it,
or maybe... elements of truth.
Gee, pretty boy,
your time has come.
The G has arrived.
Like most stories,
ours began long ago,
when the hero was but a boy.
Take that, twerp.
Don't come around here anymore.
Hello, Gary.
What ails you, my child?
Did those heathen brutes
just burst your balloon?
Children can be
real pricks sometimes.
Gary, see that kid there?
In a few years time,
the guilt he accumulates
from committing this kind
of bullying will lead
to him becoming a horrible
crystal meth addict,
and he's gonna die
in a meth deal gone bad.
Shit happens, Gary.
Crying about it
don't do any good.
But this, Gary...
this is your sword that
I give onto thee,
and as long as you behold it,
you need never fear any man.
You are special.
I choose you
to wield this sword,
and as long as
it's in your possession,
you need never know fear again.
Hello?
Hey, Gary, it's Pickles.
Pickles, wow!
What's up, man?
Glad you called,
I need a place to crash.
I've been crashing
at the job site.
Gary has been
described as everything
from a hero to a crackpot.
Dr. Jonathan Boudin
of the Denver Clinic
for Psychiatric Care
told us that Gary, quote,
"does not suffer
from psychosis, paranoia,
or schizophrenia."
Clinically speaking,
he's as sane as you or me.
But you be the judge.
Worst part of having this
bad kidney,
getting dialysis
three times a week
is they won't let me
eat chicken wings.
Man, this country makes
the best goddamn chicken wings
in the world.
Now, I haven't seen
the whole world,
I haven't tasted chicken wings
in Africa,
but I'd be willing to bet the
right ball on a broke-dick dog
that no place makes better wings
than they do here.
Some other reasons America's
the best country ever,
fastest cars.
Now, some douche nugget
pointed out
that the ltalians
and the Germans
make faster rides on account
of their Ferraris,
and their Mercedes.
Well, I'm talking about
non-fascist automobiles.
Also, I'm pretty sure
more people kick ass here
than in any other country.
I mean, some people claim
that you can't quantify
kick-assedness.
Those are usually people who's
asses have been recently kicked.
What is crazy?
I mean, is crazy bad?
Wasn't it crazy to believe
all men were created equal?
Wasn't it crazy to
believe in life, liberty...
From the first moment,
Gary made clear
that he would not fit
with anyone's expectations.
And refused to believe
he was destined
for anything other
than greatness.
As he continually told those
around him,
"You have to think crazy,
to accomplish crazy things."
I don't know, but I once got
a fortune cookie that said,
" In boldness,
there is greatness,"
and I believe that fortune
cookie was correct.
I can't stand foreign beer.
Anybody that drinks foreign beer
or foreign whiskey
should be shot as a traitor.
- Come on.
- That's what we love about you, Gary, man.
It's hard to be down around you.
- I got to piss.
- Idiots!
Reports that U.S. forces
have been very close
to capturing bin Laden,
but that was about
three years ago.
We intend, fully intend,
to-to find him.
We don't know
where Osama bin Laden, um, is.
Government clowns.
The hunt for bin Laden
has been a cold well
for a long time.
They're botching up the plan
to get bin Laden!
Look, I know I'm a Leo,
but it's easier for a mouse
to get into a castle
than it is for a lion.
I'd go in there,
and I'd boost that fucker
right out from underneath their noses.
Hey, buddy.
You think you could do
a better job over there?
Is that what you're saying?
Oh, you're a Marine.
- I am a Marine.
- Well, that's awesome.
Listen, I really appreciate what
you boys are doing over there,
and I understand
the price of freedom,
the sacrifice, but look,
you've got your program,
and I got mine, that's all.
But l-let me buy you a drink.
What do you have?
What are you gonna pay
for that with?
Your unemployment check?
Oh.
Gary... Gary...
Just let it go.
Quick contest, Semper fi.
Let's throw this knife
across the room
over to that dart board.
You get closest
to the bull's-eye,
I'll buy everyone
in this bar a drink, okay?
I get closest, you buy me
a drink and you apologize
for being a dick.
Yeah, you're on.
Pretty good.
Sometimes when people get close
to the bull's-eye,
they get a little cocky.
Sure hope that isn't gonna be
your problem.
Yeah.
Knight the kings.
Oh!
Goddamn it, Gary,
not again!
The blade missed
most of Roy's tendons.
And, like the previous
three times,
he was soon back at the bar
with little more
than a bruised ego.
Why would you buy a showerhead
from a country
that doesn't take showers?
Don't buy that toilet,
that toilet was made in Africa.
Pygmies made that toilet
and they take small shits.
Your turd, your potty,
your poo, as it were,
won't make it past the flusher.
Yoo-hoo.
No, seriously,
why would you buy a faucet
from a country in the midst
of a drought?
I don't know what
you're putting up,
but that ain't gonna hold it.
I want you to trust me
because I'm probably the only
person in this whole store
that'll tell you the truth.
Now, if you need anything at
all, you call me.
I'm Gary Faulkner,
your go-to handyman.
Oh, what...
Gary Faulkner.
Marci Mitchell.
Oh, my God!
I cannot believe it!
You look great.
You look great.
I had so many fantasies
about you in high school.
I must've gone through
about 100 boxes of Kleenex.
That is disgusting,
but I'll take it.
- Why would you...
- Because I always had a crush on you.
What've you been doing
all these years?
Oh, my life is boring.
Uh, you know...
- went in and out of community college,
- Uh-huh.
And then, you know, now I work
at The Olive Garden.
Olive Garden, that's a great
restaurant. Well, good.
- I answer phones at a dentist office.
- Uh-huh.
- Calligraphy on the side.
- Calligraphy?
For wedding invitations,
stuff like that.
Dating only idiots.
Uh, 'cause that...
those are the kinds of people
- that can spend time with me, with my schedule.
- Uh-huh.
- You know, losers that have nothing else to do.
- Yeah.
Um...
You remember my sister Carrie?
Sure, yeah, she made you look
like a girl scout.
Uh... well, she,
she passed away.
And, uh, she OD'd
in Colorado Springs,
like, eight years ago.
Wow, that's...
I'm-I'm sorry, that's...
- She got really bad into drugs and, uh..
- I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Had a kid with her dealer 'cause
that's a... kind of stupid
decision you make, but, um...
And what happened to the kid?
I adopted her.
- Oh.
- Lizzie, she's my little princess.
She's, like... all I have
in the world, so...
- Oh, that's awesome!
- Yeah.
- I got to keep it together because of her.
- Wow.
- And, uh, it's why I'm working three jobs, that I...
- Yeah.
Hate.
Well, I'll drink to that.
Well, I don't
do that anymore, so...
- No. Shit!
- I don't do that.
Only making good decisions.
Hey, listen, do you want
to get an ice cream sundae
with me tonight?
Let's have ice cream.
- Great.
- Not tonight.
- Okay.
- I can't do it tonight.
- But tomorrow night?
- Great.
We're gonna have ice cream,
but you have to find me.
Listen, you still got
that awesome tattoo?
Yes!
I'll find you.
They don't call me
the psychic wizard for nothing.
In the past five years,
it appears that Osama bin Laden
and billions
of American dollars
have all but disappeared
into the mountains
of western Pakistan.
I'm serious, Pickles, we
got to get on this immediately!
No waiting, no hesitating!
Got to get on this
right fucking now!
What the fuck is going on, man?
Did you see that shit?
No, I didn't see... Gary, look,
listen to me, -What?
You got to stop with
the noise, okay?
We can't deal with it anymore,
we can't sleep back there.
You've been here
for three months.
You got to get a job,
you got to get out of here, man.
W-What... so? I'm sorry, okay?
I'll quiet down. What is it?
I love you, but you got to
get out of here, man.
- Oh!
- You got to go.
You got to find a different
couch to sleep on, okay?
- Come on.
- I'm sorry, I'll, uh...
Well, look, I'll...
let me just, uh...
if I can just finish tonight...
- Yeah, just...
- and I'll clean up.
Yeah, just stay here tonight,
it's fine.
Thank you, buddy. Okay. -She's
trying to sleep, all right?
Hey, you remember what
tomorrow is, right?
- What?
- Dialysis.
- Oh, right, yeah.
- Dialysis, all right.
Yeah, I remember now.
Thanks, Pickles.
So, tomorrow you're out.
It is said that on a cold day
in Valley Forge,
George Washington talked to God
as young Americans died
on the battlefield.
Abraham Lincoln
talked to God daily.
But Gary did them one better.
Hello, Gary.
Holy shit.
Yes, I take a holy shit
every day.
God?
Well, Gary, I have many names.
But God's kind of catchy,
don't you think?
But you're the one true God?
Who created the universe?
Yeah, more or less,
but let's not dwell on that
cosmic shit right now.
I've got a favor
to ask you, Gary.
A favor?
A tiny, little favor that
I'd like you, Gary Faulkner,
to do for me.
Of course.
I'm calling it a favor
to be compassionate,
and kind, and nice.
It's more like a command really.
You understand?
I do.
Okay, cool.
I need you to go over
to Pakistan
and capture that son of a bitch
Osama bin Laden for me.
OBL?
He's got to be taken down.
He pulled that 9/11 shit
and fucked me right over.
Now he's got to pay the price.
No one else seems
to be able to do it, Gary.
And my patience
is getting wafer thin.
Capture bin Laden?
Capture him,
bring him back alive though.
Remember, thou shall not kill.
So we're good?
You'll go to Pakistan and
capture Osama bin Laden for me.
Perfect.
Oh, just so you know, Gary,
this is probably it.
I've got no plans
to ever speak to you again,
but I am everywhere, you know?
All knowing, all seeing.
Which, by the way,
isn't as much fun
as it's cracked up to be.
Wait. What do you mean?
Dr. Jones to ER.
Dr. Jones to ER.
Oh, my God.
How did you find me?
I don't want to say I'm psychic,
but if the shoe fits.
Well, get in here.
Oh, I want
to introduce you to Lizzie.
She's got some challenges.
She doesn't talk.
Oh, yeah.
Well, you know, everybody talks,
but only the real smart ones
don't use their mouths,
right, Lizzie?
Oh, and you have got
a killer smile.
Which can be used both
as a friendly thing
and also as a weapon, which I'm
sure you're already aware of.
Nonetheless, it's great to
finally meet you.
Lizzie...
have you got a power animal?
Like a spirit animal?
Like a guide?
I'll bet you do.
See, mine's the donkey.
Now, my dad used to call me
a jackass when I was a kid.
And at first I thought
it was an insult,
and then I realized
it's a compliment
because jackasses are true,
hardworking
and loyal.
Now, what's your power animal?
Oh!
The seagull, good choice!
Butterscotch or chocolate?
I'm a butterscotch man myself,
but I can go either way.
Just like to make sure
everybody's happy
with the sundaes and stuff.
Butterscotch, goddamn it!
Looks like I'm having
chocolate again.
And I think I remember you like
the mint chocolate chip.
How the hell
did you remember that?
Mind like a steel trap.
You and Osama bin Laden?
How does that work?
What-what's your plan?
Well, okay, you see,
that right off the bat
is a bit of a misnomer
'cause it's not my plan,
it's God's plan.
I didn't make the rules,
God did.
But the plan is
I'm thinking about buying a boat
and sailing to Pakistan...
- "Sailing to Pakistan?"
- Yeah, I was gonna...
go to San Diego, buy a boat,
sail to Pakistan,
capture Osama bin Laden,
bring him back to America
for justice and stuff.
That's the plan... it's pretty
simple when you think about it.
That's crazy.
Sometimes,
things are so sane
they are beyond
our comprehension...
Do you know anything
about sailing?
Marci!
You're so funny!
The pirates did it,
the Pilgrims did it,
and they weren't even
21 st century guys.
I'm a 21 st century guy!
Gary, boats are
very expensive, right?
Do you have that kind of money?
I got a little tucked away.
You'd be surprised
how much you can save
when you don't pay your bills
and you live on job sites.
Uh, things get
particularly "traumaticals,"
I can ask Dr. Ross,
who's my kidney doctor,
and he always has
some money around
to give to a worthy cause.
And I'm thinking about taking
Roy and Pickles with me to Vegas
to make a little
extra cash for my trip.
You see, I'm doing this
for people like you and Lizzie,
to bring the fight
into his backyard,
to bring the fight to him,
so he doesn't come
into our backyard.
Well, walk me through it.
What are you gonna do,
just fight him and kill him?
No, no, that would be too easy.
And I was told to capture him.
And I-I don't want
to kill anyone, anyway.
I think I would just...
kill him,
on the spot, you know?
I mean, not face-to-face,
I don't want to see him
face-to-face,
but from far away, definitely.
Yeah, well,
if it comes down to that,
then I'll drop a gun
in front of him
I'll drop a gun
in front of me,
and we'll draw, fair and square,
Old West style.
Your ramp is a piece of shit.
I know.
I-I can't afford to have it
fixed right now, so...
You and Lizzie...
you deserve better.
Good night, Gary.
Night.
Yah! Eh-yah-eh!
Cha! Eh-yah-eh!
Yah!
What the fuck?
You're awful pretty
first thing in the morning.
I consider that a positive sign!
Well, you look like shit.
And you got a sense of humor,
'cause I know that's not true.
Hey, listen.
These are my buddies,
Roy...
- Good morning.
- Pickles...
- How are you?
- Two of the nicest dudes you'll ever meet.
I... thank you
for what you're doing,
but, you know, it's really early
and Lizzie's still asleep, so...
Now, listen,
when we're finished,
you're gonna have
a brand-new ramp
and it's gonna be the envy
of every crippled kid
in the neighborhood.
We don't say "cripple."
She's challenged.
Oh. You mean like us guys.
Yeah.
Um...
Thank you.
How much... how much
do I owe you for this?
Marci Mitchell, not a dime.
That little girl
deserves the best.
But it might just cost you
a whole lot of love.
Well, um...
- I might be a little short this month.
- Ooh.
See, now there's
that smile again.
That smile is something
I'm gonna be thinking
a lot about
while I'm sailing to Pakistan.
You are glowing,
Marci Mitchell.
You are radioactive.
You are my lucky charm.
I'm telling you, it was God.
Like, Old Testament,
New Testament Lord on high.
He came to my bedside
in the free clinic
and he told me to do this.
And I know you guys
are skeptics.
Pickles, I know you're, like,
quasi-Buddhist backslash
Senecan stoic,
but I'm telling you it was God,
he spoke to me,
and I gotta do this!
Hey, man, we're not arguing.
We love Vegas.
Hey, Gary, we were wondering:
what did God look like?
About how you'd imagine.
Maybe a little younger.
That's weird, I always thought
he would've looked like
Phil Donahue
or someone like that.
I always thought
he'd be, like, a lion
with, like,
James Earl Jones' voice.
Mm, that's cool.
Hey, what did God say
we should play?
You play whatever you want.
This is God's house,
it's like a church.
We can't lose.
Come on, red!
Oh!
- Go.
- Let 'em come.
Oh!
Uh...
I don't know, I think...
I'm all right.
I'm all right right there.
- No. Gary, come on.
- No, no, no. No, no. Don't do it.
Oh! Oh!
You did it!
He's my friend.
He is my friend.
- And he is lucky.
- Hey.
Are you smoking marijuana?
No shit, Einstein.
You think I might be
smoking some weed?
Uh, you need to put
that out right now
or we're gonna call the cops.
Oh, you're gonna call the cops
on The G.
All right.
Don't be a buzzkill.
Get out of my sight.
Man, I been seeing
you shitheads all night.
What the holy hell do you want?
What do a bunch of
Columbian drug lords
care about Al-Qaeda anyway?
Yeah, right.
This ain't my first rodeo,
hombre.
And what if I don't?
Ow!
Hey, man...
Ow!
Those Columbians stole
all my money!
Wait, wait, wait.
What Columbians?
The drug ones!
What are you talking about, man?
You lost your money
at the tables last night.
Yeah, man, you should've quit
while were you ahead.
- You fucked up.
- No!
You guys want to hit
the breakfast buffet?
Ah!
Nurse Taylor,
how is Dr. Ross today?
Is he feeling in a good mood?
He's happy?
- Chipper?
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, good.
- It's a golf day.
Yes. Golf day, yes.
Everything's looking good, Gary.
Excellent.
- Gary!
- Dr. Ross, hi.
How you feeling?
Good to see you.
- Yeah, you, too.
- How have you been feeling?
Uh, yeah, good.
Good. Listen, uh...
Nurse Taylor, is...
Dr. Ross, is it okay
if I just, uh,
- talk with you in private for a minute?
- Absolutely.
Oh, thank you.
- Excuse me.
- Thank you.
I can't believe
you're still alive.
Your blood work is amazing.
Thank you so...
Well, it's because of you.
You and your care for me.
You've kept me afloat
with my kidney problem,
you helped me with my
pre-dialysis hallucinations...
The other thing I want to say
to you, Dr. Ross...
in many ways, I feel like
you're a brother to me.
- Thank you.
- I really care so much about you.
Because you care.
You're a good man.
You're a charitable man.
And you care about
what's going on in our country.
I've got a charity
- that I would like to maybe ask you to invest in.
- Okay.
- All right.
- 'Cause I know you take that stuff seriously.
I'm going to sail to Pakistan.
I'm gonna capture
Osama bin Laden
and bring him back to America
for justice and stuff,
- 'cause I think...
- I'm sorry,
say that again?
I'm gonna go get Osama bin Laden
out of Pakistan and I want
to keep you safe, I want to keep
America safe and, frankly,
I want to keep me safe.
- What are you talking about?
- What I'm talking about
is that I-I-I-I'm gonna
buy a sailboat
and I thought maybe... 'cause my
dance card is a little light...
that maybe you could
loan me a thousand bucks,
because I-I don't,
it's a little light,
and I'll pay you back,
$250 a week,
and then we can take care of
this Al-Qaeda issue together.
- A sailboat.
- Yeah, to go to Pakistan
to capture, uh, bin Laden.
What do you really
want the money for?
Are you in some kind of trouble?
Oh...
I lied.
- Yes.
- I'm sorry.
That's a crazy story.
I mean, how can you sail
a boat to Pakistan?
I mean, if you stop dialysis,
you're gonna start
hallucinating.
No, uh...
Uh, I...
Oh, it's humiliating.
Dr. Ross...
there's a girl I-I really love.
And, uh, I can't afford
the engagement ring.
There's one
for a thousand bucks,
and I wanted to get her
a diamond ring
so that I could get engaged.
Okay.
Oh, bless your heart, Dr. Ross.
- Y-You're telling me the truth now?
- Absolutely.
You're not gonna get on a boat
and sail to Pakistan?
No.
Osama bin Laden.
Me? Look at me. Wrong.
- I got dialysis problems.
- Yeah, that's why
I was wondering,
how would you do dialysis
if you were on a boat
sailing to Pakistan?
- I couldn't do it.
- You couldn't do it.
I wouldn't be able do it, man.
I'll go get my checkbook.
- I'll be right back.
- Yeah!
Yeah!
Hey, man, I don't want to...
I don't want to be that guy,
but, um...
I'm pretty sure
you can't sail to Pakistan.
Yeah, well, they told George
Washington the same thing.
They told
George Washington he...
I-I'm pretty sure
they told George Washington
he couldn't cut down
a tree or something.
It's just a figure of speech.
Look, I'm just saying,
dude, like,
have you looked at a globe?
- It's kind of a long way to go...
- Ah.
- In a boat.
- Ah. Ah.
You know, you can do it, too,
that-that's...
you can...
you can do a lot of stuff
if you just kind of...
Hey, you know, can I...?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
hey, hey, hey, thanks.
- So are these mussels?
- Yeah, man.
So, I... they're not eating
fish poo on the ground, right?
- No.
- Like the crabs and the oysters eat the fish shit?
- Yeah, yeah.
- So these are eating, what, krill? Kelp? What?
Yeah. Like, fallity
of the ocean stuff.
- Ah, so fresh stuff, live stuff. So...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Like, healthy stuff.
- I could eat that, right?
You could do, like,
a soup or something?
- A broth, a bouillabaisse?
- Yeah.
- Good eatin'.
- So do I need to get...
Maybe do you have,
like, some scuba gear...
or, like, a snorkel and shit
so I can get off the boat
and scrape those off
and then eat 'em
while I'm sailing?
- 'Cause it's a long trip.
- Just grab some, like, goggles
- and a snorkel and you're good, man.
- Okay.
Yeah, I got him. Yeah.
Morning, sir!
- Hi.
- How you doing today?
- Good.
- Good!
You know, you're parked in,
uh, someone else's slip.
What do you mean by "slip"?
- Slip.
- A slip.
Yeah, I saw an empty
parking space and I took it.
Last time I checked,
this was still America.
Yeah, it's not a parking lot.
It's a harbor.
- Uh-huh.
- All of these boats you see,
they're all registered to people
who own these slips.
Okay, officer...
madam... Super Cop,
whatever your name is,
do you know who I am?
Yeah. I'm Gary Faulkner,
and I'm trying to do something
very important here, okay?
I'm trying to protect you.
I'm trying to go to Pakistan
so I can capture
Osama bin Laden.
I'm gonna bring him to justice.
And I think you're...
you're kind of impinging
on important duty right now.
Pakistan's a long way
away, sir.
I am fully aware of it, so if...
The sooner you let me
do my business,
the sooner I can protect you.
You prepared for this trip?
- You got a life preserver?
- No, I do not have
- a life preserver.
- Safety flares.
I do not have safety flares.
- First aid kit?
- I do not have a first aid kit.
In fact, I've never...
Any working knowledge
of how to operate a sailboat?
I have never sailed before.
Which is why I broke my arm,
because I was trying
to higher up the sail.
I was trying to higher it up.
I was trying to raise it.
Hoist it.
Okay.
Um...
- gonna get you to hang tight.
- Very good.
- I'm gonna be right back.
- Dig it!
- Okay.
- All right.
I need... I need you
to come down here right now.
Okay, clowns!
Doubters, doubters!
Debbie Doubters!
Looks like I'm still sailing!
And you know why
I'm still sailing?
Because it is not my will,
it's God's will.
Shit!
Is this Pakistan?
No, seor.
Not knowing how to sail
turned out to be
a bigger liability
than I originally thought,
but boy,
Mexico sure is beautiful.
And... to that effect,
on the beach of Mexico,
I found this for you.
I thought you might like
to use it as a hairbrush.
And then, this shell...
Isn't that something?
It looks like a pyramid.
And then this is
the venomous cone shell.
Now, this animal
is very powerful.
It shoots a poison dart out...
Bam! Right there,
you're dead in two seconds.
Glad I didn't get hit with that.
And this one looks like
a spiral staircase.
Now, I want to make a spiral
staircase for you one day.
You can have it and
it'll be made out of oak.
Oh.
Yeah. And I got
something for you.
Dah-dah-dah-dah!
San Diego, huh?
- Oh, well, thank you for thinking of me.
- You're welcome.
- I'm glad you're okay.
- I'm always okay.
Well, you know, I'm just
thinking about the dialysis.
Don't you have to go
in for dialysis on your kidney
a couple times a week?
First of all,
the good Lord protects his
sacred warriors,
that's first of all.
I forget second of all.
Well, you had us worried,
you asshole.
I'm sorry.
I'll put a quarter in the jar.
Well, thank you, ladies,
thank you both.
I'm so glad to be back home
with you two.
I really love that little girl.
That-that child is amazing.
And she just took to you.
I've never seen her do that
with somebody.
I don't usually let people
get close to her so quickly.
I mean, you're the first guy
I've had in the house
since I broke up with my ex.
I appreciate that.
I'd do anything for her.
I'd do anything for you.
You can count on me.
I'm not just saying that.
Well, I-I am just saying that,
but I-I mean it.
I'm glad you're here.
I like being here.
Are you seeing anyone right now?
No.
I... broke up with someone
a year ago and... eh.
It's-it's been almost
three years for me.
Huh.
You're-you're such a stud.
I figured you'd have, like,
girls all over the place,
hidden around and...
No, see that-that's just hype.
See, the thing is...
I'm-I'm picky.
No, well, I...
I'm overcompensating, see?
'Cause I-I-I don't feel
like that, all that, you know?
And I've-I've had some issues
'cause of the way I talk.
And sometimes the way
I-I look you know?
I... so I haven't felt
very confident,
but-but I am feeling
something with you.
I'm feeling some
connection with you
and I really...
I really like you, Marci.
Oh, I'm blushing.
I feel like
I'm in high school.
Me too.
Can I kiss you?
You...
What a gentleman.
Yeah.
I barely even remember
how to do this.
You want to go upstairs
and try and remember?
Remember Osama bin Laden?
Public enemy number one,
we got to get Osama bin Laden.
The fact that we can't find him
is a big deal, folks, all right?
He's tethered
to a dialysis machine
that he somehow drags around
from recording session
to recording session.
You know, that-that's
got to leave some sort of
trail in sand,
can't we track that down?
Osama bin Laden.
- You know where he is.
- Definitely.
Because he dumped some woman.
Welcome to Books 'n Shit.
So you have a new book out.
- Congratulations by the way.
- Thank you.
Um, it's called
The New Testament.
- The New Testament.
- The New Testament.
It's a sequel of sorts
to the original, um...
- The Old Testament.
- The Old Testament.
Um, is there a movie
in the works?
We are working on a movie,
uh, with James Cameron.
He's great.
Yeah, I mean,
the guy's confident.
You can't buy it in a store,
you can't buy it online,
you can't buy it tomorrow.
This sweet little thing
is limited to one.
This one, the only one.
Are you listening to me, Gary?
This is Excalibur
brought back to life,
this is Damocles fallen.
This item is available
for a penny.
A tiny, brown, copper sphincter
of nothingness.
Gary? Focus.
We're talking about destiny, Gary.
Carpe diem,
seize the day, seize the moment,
take the blade.
Hi-yah!
Marci, I've been going
about this all wrong.
You know what I'm gonna do now?
I'm gonna change it up.
I'm gonna hang glide
into Pakistan.
Well, that sounds dangerous.
Huy-des!
That's okay, everything about
this mission is dangerous.
Do you even know
how to hang glide?
- No, but I got a plan.
- What plan?
Israel.
I'm gonna go to a mountain in
lsrael and I'm gonna jump off.
If I fly, I fly into Pakistan.
If I crash, I crash
into the Dead Sea,
which is the deepest
hypersaline lake in the world.
Yeah, they about 34% salinity
over there and stuff.
Just about the saltiest
body of water you'll ever see.
So everything, no matter
how heavy, floats on it.
So, if I crash, I'll float,
which is good
because I-I don't know
how to swim.
- No, that's a terrible idea.
- Marci,
every good idea sounded terrible
at first. Think about it.
Binny boy won't be expecting it,
that's the main thing.
You got to have
the element of surprise.
And the other thing
you got to add is... a sword!
Chi-yas!
You know what?
I'm rude, look at me.
Hogging all the fun.
Come on, let me
show you something.
- Oh...
- Marci, come on. Look at this.
- Okay, turn around.
- Okay.
- Now, hold it in your hand.
- Okay.
Feel the weight,
respect it, respect it.
Now, I want you to just go down
like that, okay?
Mm-hmm. Right.
Okay, now, when I toss it,
you slice it, slice and dice it.
All right, so, let's do this.
Okay, here we go.
And...
A five, six, seven, eight.
Ah-ha, you did it! Yay!
I see why you like this.
- You work here?
- Yeah.
Okay, listen, I'm looking
to buy a hang glider.
- Okay.
- 'Cause I'm gonna hang glide
- from a mountain in lsrael
- Okay.
To Pakistan, 'cause I got to
capture Osama bin Laden
and pull him right out
of his cave.
- That's quite the adventure.
- That's right.
- But I need a hang glider.
- Well, the North Wing, uh,
- she is a sweet, sweet bird, yeah.
- I like that. Sounds good.
"Sweet bird's" what I like.
- Now, I was gonna take a boom box,
- Okay.
Hang it, dangle it,
from the hang glider.
Listen to music to inspire me,
to motivate me for my mission.
What sort of music
would you suggest
would be the best music
to hang glide to?
Okay, well, I wouldn't hang
a boom box from the wing
'cause you're gonna throw off
your balance.
You got to spare me
the physics lesson
and just answer the question.
Okay, uh, so you're looking
for some, like, pump-up,
- inspirational, kind of...
- That's right.
Tom Petty?
Stupidest thing I've ever heard.
- Okay.
- Okay?
Now, listen, if I was gonna
cut that up into pieces,
'cause I got to get it
into my luggage
to get it over to lsrael.
How many pieces would I
cut it into? Three? Four? Five?
Well, the-the thing about
a hang glider
is it-it's all, uh,
one piece.
You can't cut it up.
Son...
I can do anything.
I am Gary Faulkner.
I am the Donkey King.
Wow.
Sir, that is a samurai sword.
Uh, you cannot take that
on the plane.
No, listen, you don't
understand,
I need this sword
to do what I have to do.
You trying to get my killed
by Al-Qaeda?
Is that, is that what you want?
No, I want you to realize
that you cannot take a sword
onto an airplane.
Can't.
If there weren't people like me
doing things that
people like you
told us that we couldn't do,
then nothing great
would ever get done
and America wouldn't be awesome.
And let me tell you
something, lady,
we may have our flaws,
but America is awesome!
You cannot carry the sword
onto the plane.
Tell that to George Washington!
Gary!
Pack the sword.
Yes, my Lord.
You guys seem like
a couple of nice kids.
Where you from?
Are you from lsrael?
You're from one of
the other, uh,
Middle Eastern, uh, countries,
or Pakistan,
or, uh, Tunisia?
All right, well, I'm gonna...
I'm gonna start running now.
I'm gonna pick it up,
and I'm gonna run.
Okay?
You got to get out so I can run.
Let's go.
Go, go, go!
Ha-ha!
Success!
Look at me now!
No!
Shit! Fuck! Goddamn it! You fucker!
As Gary lay broken on
the rocky terrain of Israel...
Fuck it!
Doubt crept in.
And perhaps
a small voice asked,
"I wonder if Marci is serving
her guacamole
and chips tonight."
Gare-bear.
Hey, babe.
Look at you,
having a little spa day, huh?
Thanks. Thank you so much for
letting me crash here again.
Oh, no problem.
Lizzie, uh...
Well, you know,
Lizzie and I love
having you here, so...
Would you look at me?
I'm as crippled as Lizzie is.
Well, I mean, she's a...
ten-year-old girl
with cerebral palsy,
and you are a grown man who
jumped off a cliff on purpose.
- I retract my previous statement.
- Yeah.
Where is she anyway? You know,
I got a present for her.
Oh, she's at physical therapy.
I'm gonna go get her in an hour.
Okay, well, listen,
check this out.
You can buy the shit
out of these things in lsrael.
That's water
from the fucking Jordan river.
That's the fucking river where
fucking Jesus was baptized.
She's gonna love this.
Yeah.
That was so thoughtful.
Thank you.
I got you something too.
Yeah, look how beautiful
that is.
- "Israel rocks."
- Yeah.
Yeah, it does.
God, Gary, thanks.
Why did I sit there and let you
take that glider apart?
- The hang glider?
- Yeah.
That was a lemon.
Hey.
Do you want to get behind
some hedges and, uh, you know,
show me your tattoo again?
Uh-huh?
Uh-huh?
You are a little horn dog.
- Even all banged up like this.
- Yeah.
I don't know, it ain't just
animal lust,
of which I have plenty,
as you can well attest.
Sometimes I think I need a vet.
No, I find that, uh...
I actually love you quite a bit.
I love you too, Gary.
But you're on
a mission from God.
So where does that leave me?
Well, you'll have to take that
up with him directly.
I haven't even made it
to Pakistan yet,
I got to get over there
as soon as I'm healed.
I'm gonna go in. Do you want
a water or something?
No, I'm all right.
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
come on, hold-hold on a second,
hold on a second.
What if I didn't go?
What if I just...
stuck around here
and helped out, you know?
I'm a pretty good handyman.
I could help out
around the house.
Yeah.
I'd love that,
you know?
But if you really feel
like you're on a mission,
and I tell you to stay here,
you're gonna hate me.
I... I couldn't handle that,
so...
You think about it, and, um...
and, uh, we'll talk later.
I just want to enjoy
my life a little bit.
I want to spend some time, a
domestic kind of, uh, lifestyle,
with Marci and Lizzie, you know.
- Good for you, Gary.
- Yeah.
Yeah, that-that Pakistan shit,
the whole Osama thing
is pretty crazy.
Maybe so, but crazy is
my last name.
- Isn't it crazy is my middle name?
- Yeah.
My middle name is Brooks.
It's that old Gary.
- All right.
- Well, that's the truth.
Okay, we got to jet,
we got a movie.
- Yeah, you should come with us.
- Yeah, no, I'm gonna stay here
and, uh, finish my beer,
and then, uh,
maybe just go back
to Marci's house
and enjoy my, uh, my humble
little domestic lifestyle.
- All right.
- I'll take care of this guys.
- Don't worry about that. Yeah.
- Really? -Really?
- All right, see you later.
- All right, bye.
All right, see you later.
In Afghaninstan
- with his latest findings.
- Bye.
Since the battle of Tora Bora
in December of 2001,
there has been
no actionable intelligence
about where bin Laden is.
There are informed hypotheses
that he's in the northwest
frontier provinces
- of Pakistan...
- I hate this show.
Somewhere
in the tribal areas.
W-Were you going to be doing
something for me?
I was... I am.
'Cause it looks to me
like you're quitting.
I ain't no quitter.
'Cause what would you think
would happen
if I, God, just quit?
- Chaos!
- Chaos.
I mean, we've got chaos already,
but we'd be talking about
a much worse form of chaos.
Godless chaos.
Who said anything
about quitting?
What you don't seem
to appreciate Gary,
is the notion of omniscience.
That means I know everything,
so I know you're thinking
about Marci.
I know you're thinking
about domesticity
and settling down
and how cute that will be.
And it really bugs me
when men let woman-shit
get in the way of man-business.
There's two words
you need to consider:
"God" and "America."
That's what this is about.
Okay?
So what part of
"I am everything,"
"I know everything,"
do you not understand?
Uh, uh, if you know everything,
then why don't you tell me
where to find Binny boy?
I can tell you Pakistan,
and you can't even get there.
Now you're thinking
about quitting.
You're a disappointment
to me, Gary.
I've been waiting
for you to help me.
Gary, shut the fuck up.
This is a holy quest.
Holy quests are challenging.
When I asked Abraham
to slaughter Isaac,
that was challenging.
He didn't just say, "Oh, he's
my son. What am I gonna do?
I love him.
What am I gonna tell his mum?"
When I said to David,
you've gotta kill Goliath,
it was challenging.
He didn't say,
"Look at the size of him.
I can't do anything about it."
It's a challenging situation
that you're in.
I plucked you from obscurity.
You're a lucky fuck.
You should feel blessed,
not burdened.
So, Gary,
I don't want to hear
any more talk about quitting
or Marci, or TVs,
or sitting and relaxing,
having a beer.
Otherwise,
I'm gonna smite you.
I'm gonna smite you,
and any memory
or remnant of you.
Your dad, Gary Faulkner...
"l didn't have a son."
Marci... "I don't remember
meeting some twinkle-eyed,
goofy, cute guy."
I will eliminate you
from history, all traces of you.
Okay?
So have a little think
about that,
and then make the decision
that will make us both proud.
Oh, great. You're drunk.
I blew it.
I was weak.
I took my eyes off the prize,
and he saw it.
What prize?
Who are you talking about?
I gotta... I gotta...
get to Pakistan.
Pakistan?
What... what are you
talking about... Pakistan?
I thought you were done
with all that nonsense.
What about moving in here
with me?
What about fixing the ramp?
I have a more important job
to do.
You know what? I need my
four hours of sleep tonight.
I've got to work two
of my three jobs tomorrow,
so I'm going to bed alone.
What do you think?
It's great.
I told you I'd finish it.
I'm sorry I slammed the door
in your face
and yelled at you,
but, you know, you were really
being crazy,
and I don't need that shit.
Marci Mitchell,
don't you ever
apologize to me for anything.
You are perfect.
You are
an angel, and I'll see you
when I get back from Pakistan.
Sir, we have been through this.
I do not care
about George Washington.
You cannot
go to Pakistan
without an entry visa.
This is bureaucratic morass
is what this is.
Gary.
Yes, my Lord.
And God just...
gave you a sign.
That's right.
And now you want to go
to Pakistan...
Why?
To get bin Laden.
Osama bin Laden.
No, Harold bin Laden.
Yes, Osama bin Laden.
The terrorist.
Is this some kind of joke?
No, this couldn't be
any less of a joke, sir.
This is as serious
as a thing can get.
Okay, you give me one good
reason why I should stamp this
and the United States of America
should let
Gary Brooks Faulkner into
one of the hairiest places
on Earth.
Well, do you believe in God?
And America?
And justice?
And freedom?!
And just doing what's right?!
Hmm.
Thank you.
Go get him.
So, I'm going to Pakistan
to capture Osama bin Laden.
Bring him to justice.
God told me to do it.
He didn't think I was being
urgent enough about it.
Thought I was giving in
to temptation again,
which has been
one of my problems.
Kept me from achieving
certain things and stuff,
but I'm gonna tell you what.
God kicked the ever-loving
shit out of me.
So, now here I am,
back on mission.
I shouldn't be telling you this,
but I already got a lead.
You see, it turns out over here,
people call Binny boy
The Bearded One.
So, there,
that could be helpful.
Gary arrived
in Pakistan a stranger
in a strange land.
He was determined
to observe the customs
of the local people
and perhaps glean clues
that would lead him
to bin Laden.
Reason for visit?
Taking care of business.
Once through Customs,
Gary saw a world both
familiar and foreign.
In his personal diary,
Gary wrote of his first day
in Pakistan...
"Got to Islamabad.
"Interesting people.
Hot as balls."
So, anyways, so,
how do you like it here
in Pakistan, my brother?
Pakistan is very, very,
very beautiful.
Pakistan is beautiful.
Yeah, well, I figured
you'd say something like that
on account of national pride.
Well, I love America,
so we're even.
I love America, too.
Yeah? Well, America's very good.
America's the best goddamn
country in the world.
And I say that putting
my personal bias
and national pride
aside because
we don't have no Al-Qaeda
holing up in the States.
Al-Qaeda here in Pakistan,
very bad.
Yeah, very bad.
- Well, see, I like you...
- Very bad.
Because we got
a cultural connection.
But what I need to do is I need
to get to the Hotel AlBaraka.
I'm on a very important mission.
I'm looking for The Bearded One.
Uh, do you know where
- I can find The Bearded One?
- The Bearded One?
The Bearded One.
I am... I have got beard.
Yeah, no,
I know you got a beard,
but I'm talking about
The Bearded One.
Do you have Denny's in Pakistan?
Does The Bearded One
go to Denny's?
Gary Faulkner, U.S.A.
Gary Faulkner,
U.S.A.
Fuckner?
Fuckner?!
No, not Fuckner, man.
It's Faulkner, man. Faulkner.
Fuck-ner.
No, uh, it's Faulkner, man.
Fuckner, that's what you said.
Not Fuckner, Faulkner, man.
Just call me The G.
Uh, you got a bellhop
that can help me with my bags?
No, h-h-he's... he's dead.
Dead?
Did Al-Qaeda shoot the bellhop?
No!
Not at all, sir.
Gangsters, sir.
- He was killed for...
- Gangsters? Not Al-Qaeda?
We have no Al-Qaeda here.
I got an AK-47
shoved up my ass.
He-he want... he want to s...
to-to-to know about America.
Man, America's good!
- Hamburger.
- We got... we got hamburgers.
We got Dairy Queen.
We got the best chicken wings
in the world.
- Woman, woman, woman.
- Fuck, man, but
- we got the California girls, man.
- Woman.
Fuckner good, Fuckner good.
I told you, just call me The G.
You are so funny.
- I like it.
- Oh, yeah.
All right, look, can somebody
show me where my room is?
I got to get, uh, I have
a very important mission.
Try it, motherfucker!
Like all men on covert ops,
Gary's first day was spent
doing reconnaissance.
Scouring the streets,
looking for clues.
A motivated Gary Faulkner
was a dangerous Gary Faulkner.
Nothing could stop him
when he was on a mission.
Nothing could make
him lose focus
when he had a plan.
These are all things
Gary Faulkner told me.
You have many diverse
kind of sundry spices here.
I think I can use
some of these spices
in my chicken wing hot sauce,
but I need molasses, too.
Molasses. Do you have molasses?
No, molasses, not jackasses.
I didn't call you jackasses.
I said molasses.
Not calling you a jack...
Here you go.
Thank you.
I'm looking
for something pretty
for a young lady.
- Yes, yes.
- She's not even ten.
Okay? Something exotic,
something...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Something that has
some flavor to it.
Now, wait, this could work.
- This is good.
- Yeah.
This could work.
Come on, here take this.
I'm gonna take that.
Good.
Good, you got the...
you got the long knives.
You got the short knives.
You got the...
you got the Damascus.
Check this out.
Nothing?
All right.
Well, you have a blessed day.
No, man.
You're do... you're doing
it all wrong, man.
You're not talking to the meat.
That's how come
you've got no customers.
You got to... you got to talk
to the meat.
Goat meat, like all meat,
has a vertical line
and it has a horizontal line,
and at the epicenter
of where those two lines cross
is where the spirit
of the meat comes out.
You say,
"Thank you, baby goat."
"Thank you, baby goat."
"Thank you, baby goat."
At the end of the first day,
Gary realized this might be
harder than he thought.
If only God
could give him a sign.
Looks like my brother Gary
cooked up a storm.
I couldn't get the molasses,
but if these aren't the best
chicken wings
you've ever tasted,
then I'm not the Donkey King.
Thank you, sir, you are so kind.
Oh.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
Don't worry, sir!
I-I know a dentist.
He's very good.
Okay.
Pass that around.
That's nice.
I fucking love Pakistan.
Ride it, cowboy.
Ride.
Yeah.
The G...
wants to get his pinball on.
No worky?
There you go.
Come on, come on, yeah.
Do you want to play some more?
Ah, you fucking...!
Thief!
Hey! Hey!
Stop! Hey!
You stop it!
Hey!
You fucking fuck!
Hey!
Shit!
Whoa!
You know, I'm here
to capture The Bearded One,
so if you have any info on him,
please let me know, but really?
I don't see why you,
sir, are messing
with this young lady.
All right.
So, we're gonna do this.
Step aside, motherfuckers.
100% pure
Japanese Damascus steel.
Hey, hey, calm down, wait!
Ah, smell that, sir?
What's up?
Smell of a people and a culture
clamoring for democracy.
And aloo paratha.
That the bread thing?
- Yeah, with the potato inside.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I like that, I like that.
- It's delicious.
I mean, they make some
good stuff here.
Bread was invented here
in the lndus river valley.
- Really?
- Yeah.
That's great. Fascinating.
What's this?
This...
regards an American samurai
who is at loose
in the slums of lslamabad.
- What does that mean?
- He appeared out of nowhere
and he botched
an ongoing investigation.
An American ninja.
- Samurai.
- An American samurai.
American Ninja was a movie,
1985, Michael Dudikoff.
So, who is the guy?
We have no idea.
Well, let's find out.
I will.
- Gorgeous sunset.
- Oh!
- Jesus.
- Sorry.
Don't do that.
- I wasn't trying to scare you.
- God.
What do you think?
Why you have a thobe?
You still want to go undercover,
don't you?
Please?
Look, you're too tall.
You're going to stick out
like a sore thumb.
I'm not pretending
to be Pakistani.
What are you going to be?
I'm going to be a, uh,
a national living abroad.
A South African, a Dutchman.
A Norwegian, perhaps...
a farmer.
- W... you have this...
- A mercenary.
Bizarre fantasy that somehow
you're the Dutch James Bond
or something.
I love James Bond.
The Living Daylights
was on last night.
Timothy Dalton...
- greatest Bond of all time.
- No.
- No?
- No, no, no.
Who do you like...
oh, Sean Connery?
No.
- Roger Moore?
- No.
The-the new guy with the...
- The m... the Russian thug? No.
- Muscles?
What's happening
with our American samurai?
American samurai,
actual name, Gary Faulkner.
He's been indicted
several times,
minor, uh, misdemeanors.
Works as a handyman.
He's searching
for Osama bin Laden.
What do you mean, "he's
searching for Osama bin Laden?"
He's obsessed.
If this fucking lunatic's
anywhere near him,
I'm truly fucked.
- Do you understand me?
- That's true.
So this cannot happen,
all right?
- This is worse...
- This is on you.
This is worse
than the $5 million.
It's wo... it's worse
than the $5 million,
so you know what?
Do your job.
Find this guy.
Bring him in.
And we're going
to neutralize him.
Welcome Al-Qaeda crips
to my cave.
My name is OBL, Osama bin Laden.
But this is my homies
on the left here.
This guy here, he make them
white boys tremble,
so we just call him Milkshake,
you know.
We got one DVD box set,
Seinfeld, man.
D-don't know...
Jews are funny, man.
- Like Kramer.
- Jerry!
Osama, Osama Jr., Osama III,
'cause Osama Junior Junior
Junior was stupid.
Yo, Muhammad, third
from the right, who's she?
My main man, ldi Amin.
Pulled some tight shit
in Uganda.
You know what I'm saying?
Ayatollah Khomeini.
This guy got
mad beard skills, man.
Got the baddest
motherfucker alive,
George W. Bush.
Oh, God!
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Oh, my God!
- Get in the truck, Gary.
- Yes, my...
I'm sorry.
Where are you going, Gary?
I don't know.
You don't even know
where you're going, do you?
You're just wandering around
aimlessly.
No particular direction.
No better than a paramecium.
A what?
A paramecium, Gary.
It's a single cellular
life form
I created some time ago.
I was pretty proud of it
back then.
Still around to this day,
because Noah,
in his infinite wisdom,
chose to put it on the Ark,
along with syphilis
and gonorrhea.
Y-you're all-knowing, right?
Yeah, yeah, I am,
all-knowing. Yeah.
Well, then,
why don't you help me?
I mean, just like a-a drop.
Helping hint.
There's no hints, Gary.
This is not a treasure hunt,
or a quiz show.
You got freedom of choice.
Freedom of thought.
Do you know how beautiful
that is? I mean,
I know every thought
before you think it,
and let me tell you,
a lot of the thoughts
you got coming up
are pretty fucking stupid.
I am God.
I am the question
and the answer.
- Yes, my Lord!
- What's this now?
What's this?
It's not Aladdin.
I'm not a genie.
You are genuflecting
too aggressively.
You're gonna set off
the airbag.
Well, uh, of course,
I could be wrong, my Lord.
My Sweet Lord,
but I-I think this model
doesn't come with airbags.
Shut up, Gary!
Shut up!
Sorry. Lord, I'm sorry.
I'm just... I'm just lost.
You got any idea how many times
I hear that every day?
"I'm lost, then I was found.
I'm blind, now I can see."
I'm tired of that lost shepherd,
lost sheep shit.
Yes, Lord.
- Don't fucking "Yes, Lord" me.
- Yes, Lord.
- I said don't say that.
- Yes, Lord.
- Gary! -Yes, Lord.
- What? -No, Lord.
- Are you saying no to me, Gary?
- No!
I'm doing too much shit
to worry about this.
I've got 14 trillion
things to deal with right now.
I'm doing a million things
in this moment.
I'm dealing
with Hezbollah, Ebola,
some guy called Obama,
Coca-Cola.
I got a lot of shit
to deal with.
Do you understand me?
But I just want you to be happy.
Well, then, Gary, try this.
I help those
that help themselves.
Gary began to battle episodes
of paranoid hallucinations.
Maybe it was because he had
gone weeks without dialysis.
Maybe it was because
he had smoked, in his words,
"A shit-ton of hash."
He sensed eyes on him,
and saw danger in every corner.
Hey!
Give me that moped.
Give me that thing.
Give it up.
Get out of my way!
You're letting him get away.
My handle was bad.
You're letting him get away!
Technically, a yacht is, uh,
anything over 30 feet.
This was just below,
it was about 26,
so I wouldn't say it
was a yacht.
What was the yacht for?
Uh, sailing in San Diego.
- Business?
- Uh, yeah. Sure, business.
Wh... no. I was trying
to get Osama bin Laden.
That's what I'm here for.
We've already been over this.
Uh-huh. And-and so what were
you doing in the yacht?
- Were you smuggling?
- No, I wasn't smuggling.
I was trying to get here.
- Who are you working with?
- Uh...
I'd tell you,
but you wouldn't believe me.
- MI-5.
- No.
- SAVAC?
- No.
- Mossad.
- No.
- It was...
- No, no.
I'm a lone wolf.
- Is that your handler?
- My handler?
- I don't have a handler.
- You and who?
- No, it's just me. You know,
- And?
I-I don't expect
someone like you
- would understand that.
- Try me.
- Just give me a name.
- Any name. Any contact.
All right, well, we can talk
about that one right now.
I-I... it's just me and God.
Is-is he your handler, God?
You don't know who God is?
- He's God!
- Where is he currently?
- Can we talk to him?
- God?
- Yeah, can I talk to him?
- He's everywhere.
- Do you have an email address?
- He's everywhere.
Just one place.
Name one place.
Uh, he's right here,
right now.
- You know what I'm going to do?
- What?
I'm going to make your life
a living hell.
'Cause I can do that.
- 'Cause I have power.
- Oh!
- Is that a threat?
- Yeah. Yeah.
All right, this is it.
You know what?
You'll never even travel again.
You're grounded.
I am going to send you
out of here right now
to pack up your shit,
and we're going to
- put you on a plane,
- Deporting you.
- And send you back to America.
- I love this.
- Thank you.
- Where you will stay.
- Okay.
- You will never come back
- to Pakistan again.
- Okay.
- Buh-bye.
- All right. Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Maybe we should turn him.
Make him one of ours.
He's got the goods.
I just want to say thank you.
It was good and it was cheap,
and-and you're my friend,
- and I love you.
- Thank you, sir.
You're so kind.
You'll be always welcome.
Thank you, sir.
Shareef Hahsid,
thank you for keeping me safe.
Thank you.
- Bye, sir.
- Bye.
Have a nice trip.
- We will miss you.
- I'll miss you, too.
- Maybe I like to visit America one time.
- Oh, man.
- You gotta come with me to America, dude.
- Yeah, yeah.
- If you come back another time,
- Abso...
- I want to visit your mother place.
- Absolutely, Shareef.
- Yeah, take care.
- Absolutely.
Get down!
It was later learned
that the shots fired
from the rooftop were not
from an Al-Qaeda sniper,
but the result of a dispute
between the shooter
and the hotel's
security guard,
concerning one of the man 's
two wives and a goat.
Sorry.
Sorry, sorry, comi ng through.
Sorry, coming through.
Goddamn it!
Fucking scaffolding?!
Next time use a backup line.
Taxi! Taxi!
My friend! My friend!
- Taxi!
- I will give you a ride. Come.
Do you see that motorcycle?
- Follow him.
- Like movie.
Yeah. Like movie,
although real.
Go, Havidee, go!
Ah! Fuck!
We have been driving
for two hours.
I'm running out of gas.
That son-of-a-bitch
is Al-Qaeda.
That is his name, Al-Qaeda?
- No, he's in Al-Qaeda.
- He is?
That's right.
And he's going to lead us
- to Osama bin Laden.
- Us?
- Are you serious?
- I'm damn serious.
There he is.
He's going up the hill.
Follow him.
I'm telling you,
we're gonna lose this guy.
I cannot, my friend.
This old thing will not make it
up the road.
All right. Look, I understand.
Are you sure
you won't come back with me?
We could have tea and talk
about football and women.
Maybe some day, my friend.
Maybe some day,
but right now,
I've got a job to do.
After all the hardships,
the struggles,
the wrong turns,
Gary had caught the scent
of his quarry.
Osama bin Laden was just
over this hill.
Hello.
Shit.
Everybody really wants
to know
How it is
that I love you so.
Hi, God.
Hey, Gary.
Here you are,
closer to him
than ever.
And he's out here, isn't he?
You feel him, Gary.
He's out here.
I was irresponsible
in making your species.
Cursing you with consciousness.
Gary.
I'm just like you.
A handyman trying to fix up
a cosmic shack
with a nail here
and a lick of paint there.
Knowing that the building
really needs to be condemned.
People say that I made you
in my image,
but the truth is,
you made me in yours.
That's why we're in trouble.
The G is in the air.
King Donkey's in the sky.
Hey, there.
It's me.
It's the G.
What the hell?
Oh, shit.
I see you, Binny boy.
The time has come.
The G has arrived.
Yeah, yeah, y-y-yeah.
Y-y-yeah, y-y-y-yeah!
Bin salam alaikum
Binny boy.
Alaikum salaam, Gary Fuckner.
This is where you live?
This shit hole?
What happened to the place
I saw on TV?
W-What place was that, Gary?
Your crib, man.
Don't you watch TV?
You had all those photos
with the terrorists.
Your own customized
pinball machine.
- Pin... what is pinball?
- Don't fuck with me.
Gary, I have absolutely no idea
what you're talking about.
You know it's really
very simple.
Let me see if I can explain
it to you
in words you might be able
to understand.
America's the greatest country
on Earth.
I'm not talking
about the government.
I might even agree
with you there,
a bunch of crooks and liars.
I'm talking
about the people, Osama.
They're good people.
Gary, stop it. Stop talking.
- Uh, oh.
- Shut up.
- Shut up, is that what you're saying?
- Yes.
I don't really know
how you got in here,
or what you're even doing here,
but I'm going to give you
one chance
to turn around and leave.
Oh, you're going
to give me a chance.
Yes.
See, I'm Osama bin Lad...
Don't laugh. I'm Osa...
Hey.
- No, I'm Osama bin Laden.
- Okay.
Yeah, and I'm the head of the Al-Qaeda.
And I will not rest
until my mission
is accomplished, or at least
until I die a glorious
fiery death trying.
Stop laughing.
I had a feeling you were going
to say something like that.
In that case...
looks like I've got a job to do.
Un-fucking-believable.
Ooh!
No! No!
No!
Aha!
Shit!
My fingers are tingling!
It's not my fucking fault.
I didn't expect that.
Stop that.
How it is that
- I love you so
- What are you doing?
- My Money
- Lunatic.
Call me honey
Just fucking fight
normally, guy.
Let me say how
- There's just a
- We brawl.
Wave of his hand.
Shut up!
Let it kill.
I won! I won!
Mr. Faulkner.
- Good morning.
- Hi.
How are you feeling?
- Can I get you anything? A Pepsi?
- Stop, stop it.
He's a diabetic;
don't give him a Pepsi.
You're gonna throw
him into shock.
- Where am I? Where am I?
- Diet Pepsi?
- You are in a hospital
- A U.S. hospital.
- In Islamabad.
- You were found
in a field unconscious.
Where's Osama?
Osama?!
Gosh, he's not here.
- What about the cave?
- Mr. Faulkner, there are millions
of caves in Pakistan.
I don't think
you were in a cave.
Even if you were in a cave,
we wouldn't be able to identify
which cave you were in.
- You let him go!
- You know what, you're frustrated.
- Calm down, your heart.
- We're all frustrated,
Mr. Faulkner.
- I had Osama bin Laden!
- You did not have him!
- And you let him go!
- You never had him!
- Don't you bother me.
- You never had...
You let Osama bin Laden go.
- Stay, please.
- You never had
- OBL!
- I had him!
You let him go!
- Hey.
- Oh, oh!
- I'm back.
- Oh, my God, get in here.
- Okay.
- Oh, my God.
Lizzie!
Guess who it is?
There she is!
Oh, I've got surprises.
I've got goodies.
Oh, look at this.
You know what this is?
Look.
This is an exotic dress
from Pakistan.
Isn't that nice?
- That is gorgeous.
- Yeah, well,
they were very nice there.
They were.
They were very welcoming,
and one day I'd like
to take both of you there.
It'd be an adventure.
We'd love to go.
- Yeah.
- Right?
Yeah.
I hope you don't mind.
I called a radio station,
and-and I told them
all about you...
- Radio station?
- And I think they want
- to interview you...
- Oh.
Later on this week,
if that's okay.
An interview?
Well, I'd have
to check my schedule.
You know, I have a lot to do.
I'm-I'm planning
and training and...
but, uh, well,
we'll see, we'll see.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- I'm glad you're home.
- I'm glad to be back.
- I am.
- I'm so glad you're home.
- I'm so glad I'm home.
- Thank you.
I'm so glad I'm home.
- Okay, you want to try this on?
- Yeah.
Duh-duh-duh-duh!
- Huh?
- Oh!
Yeah!
You look great.
I'll get it!
- Gary! Gary! Gary!
- The fuck!
Oh, shit!
Oh, my God.
Tell us about your experiences.
Yeah, yeah, with bin Laden,
yeah.
Dr. Ross, it's-it's Gary.
He's on the radio.
Uh, tell us, Gary,
how did you finance the trip?
Yeah, I lied
to my kidney doctor.
I told him I bought
an engagement ring,
but really I bought a boat
and sailed to Pakistan.
Most people thought I was crazy,
but I guess to my friends,
I seem normal.
Yeah.
You know, I really could not
have done anything
without Marci,
and you know what they say.
It's easier to beg
for forgiveness
than to ask for permission.
Hollywood called, and they want
to make a movie about The G,
and they said,
"Who do you want to play you?
Clint Eastwood or Dan Aykroyd?"
I thought,
"I don't know."
And then they
brought up Nic Cage.
I said,
"Nic Cage did Con Air."
Don't you think I look a little
like Nic Cage in Con Air?
Let me help you
with the groceries.
- I can get that.
- Thanks.
Yeah.
Lettuce.
Oh, thanks.
Oh, wow.
Roasted marshmallows
are the best.
These are the best.
Um... you know, I was going
to make veggie lasagna tonight.
I'd love to but...
I-I-I got to be straight
with you
because I know it's important,
you know.
I-I'm going back to Pakistan.
You're going back to Pakistan.
Well, yeah, I got
to get the job done.
Are you afraid of anything?
Does anything scare you?
Islands.
Islands? What do you mean?
- Like... island-islands?
- Yeah... yeah.
Like Hawaii?
Yeah, most people
are afraid of islands.
They just don't know it,
but it's natural.
It's natural to fear them
because when you're on an island
you're surrounded and stuff,
and, anyway, I'm more inclined
'cause I'm a Leo, and lions...
they just have no place
on an island.
I mean, that's a fact.
That's a fact.
Do you want to know
what I'm afraid of?
Bats.
No.
That's all I got.
It's a long list.
Well, hey, listen...
as long as I'm around,
if you need any help
slaying any demons,
I'm your man.
And what about
when you're not here?
- Come on.
- Where's Lizzie?
School.
Come on.
Tonight, I can report
to the American people
that the United States has
conducted an operation
that killed Osama bin Laden,
the leader of Al-Qaeda.
The images of 9/11 are seared
into our national memory.
And a terrorist
responsible for the murder
of thousands
of innocent men,
women, and children.
Jet planes... cutting through...
a cloudless September sky.
The Twin Towers collapsing to the ground.
I determined
that we had enough...
Oh, my God, this is a big day
for America, okay.
Those guys are heroes.
To get Osama bin Laden
and bring him to justice.
The United States launched
a targeted operation
against that compound...
Gary, are you okay?
Oh, yeah.
That crazy God of mine.
He sure works
in mysterious ways.
It's a sign.
I'd be foolish not to heed it.
You know, that last construction
company offered me a job.
Maybe it's time we take this
to the next level.
There's no doubt that
Al-Qaeda will continue
to persue attacks against us.
Traditional procedures
for lslamic burial
were followed.
The deceased's body was washed,
then placed in a white sheet.
After, the body was placed
on a prepared flat board,
tipped up, whereupon
the deceased's body
slipped into the sea.
Well...
what do you think?
They buried him at sea.
Really?
No pictures yet released,
but there's still
a lot more information...
The U.S. government
is embarrassed,
because they have not caught him
yet, so they want to make us
believe that he's dead.
Otherwise,
why not show us his face?
Show us his body.
Why-why the burial at sea?
He's alive and I'm the only one
who can capture him.
I am Gary Faulkner.
I'm the Donkey King.
It's a lie!
I'm going back!
That's right, Lizzie.
When you find your purpose,
you have to do it.
You have to do it,
no matter what.
Lizzie! Lizzie!
This is my sword.
Well, it was my sword.
Now it's your sword.
Wait a minute.
You don't need a sword.
This is just a stick
to hold a balloon.
Just a handle for joy
as far as I'm concerned.
So, you hold on tight,
sweetheart,
because joy comes forever.
Joy comes forever.
Aw, I love you, too, sweetheart.
Don't wait up, babe.
Gary!
Come back.
Don't worry, I will.
So, why don't you use
your free will
and freedom of choice,
and then make the decision
that'll make us both proud.
What?
What if I just gave up?
You, me, and...
Lizzie, we could just
spend some time together.
I love you, Marci Mitchell.
I don't know.
Come on.
Gary.
Gary!
Gary!
All's I want to go do
is take a nap
for about two days.
Gary Faulkner
from Greeley, Colorado,
was found alone in a forest
in northern Pakistan.
Well, I was thinking that
someone's got to get him.
Why not me?
And joining us now exclusively
this morning is Gary Faulkner.
- Good morning.
- Well, good morning.
Did you find out where he was?
Yeah, he's waiting in a cave
for me to go get him.
But because
he had broken no laws,
Pakistan didn't charge
him with any crime.
All of this right here,
I didn't even want any of it.
You were in Pakistan
for ten days.
You were captured
by the Pakistani officials.
His trips cost a lot of money,
but they were not about him.
He said they were
about the American people.
I have never met more humble
and open people than that.
Well, how do you go about
trying to find Osama bin Laden?
You don't.
You let the spirit guide you.