Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988) Movie Script

Why aren't you laughing, Bitterman?
You haven't said anything, sir.
l see, fine, so you're waiting
till the last minute.
Hello. Hi. How rich are you?
l beg your pardon?
lsn't having money
the most fabulous thing ever?
Every day is like Christmas morning,
am l right?
l don't think of personal wealth
in those terms exactly.
Yeah, you're right, of course.
Yeah, it doesn't matter
whether you're rich or poor...
as long as you can buy anything
on the planet you ever wanted.
Am l right? Answer me!
l'm not quite sure.
Hey, those your initials?
l'll bet you had to try a thousand dealers...
before you found a car
with your initials on it.
This is probably nowhere near
the color you wanted, either.
Funereal black.
Hi, it's me again.
Did you miss me? l'll bet you did.
Please remove yourself from my car.
l wish l could, but l have to ride like this.
l'm over 17 feet tall.
This is funny stuff. ls there
someone else in there l could talk to?
You're Arthur, aren't you?
Stanford Bach's boy.
That's right.
The shame of the family,
the wastrel, the public drunk.
You say that as if it's a bad thing.
Your window's going up.
Something's gone wrong with it.
Goodness gracious me.
Here, hi.
Hello in there.
Hi, it's me.
You have to be the most annoying man
l have ever met.
Do l have to? Here, no.
No don't, you. lt's all right.
l was just having some fun.
Fun is a luxury l don't have.
l work for a living, Bach.
The word is ''work.'' Look it up.
-And my sympathy to your father.
-Yeah, certainly.
My congratulations to your mother.
Home at last.
Hi. How are you? Nice to see you.
Merry Christmas, yes.
Good evening, Mr. Bach.
How are you, Philip? Lovely stuff.
Thank you.
Put it on his tab.
-Your regular, sir?
-Yes, l am, thank you for asking.
Very kind of you, very considerate of you.
Good evening, yes. Hi.
-Good evening, Mr. Bach.
-Andre, my man, put it there.
Your wife's been waiting for you, sir.
Yeah, l know, l'm late.
You'd better go on ahead
and remove all the knives from our table.
-l don't think that will be necessary, sir.
-l wouldn't be so sure.
Darling, l'm sorry l'm late.
lt was Bitterman's fault.
He insisted we stop off
at this tawdry boutique and buy--
Prince Charming? Over here.
l think l have more chance
of being forgiven at this table.
Maybe not. Excuse me.
l'm sorry. Merry Christmas.
-Thank you, Andre.
-Thank you, Andre.
Would you like to have
an ambulance standing by?
Arthur, l said 7:00.
7:00! l'm sorry. l thought you said
have a few drinks...
hit a toy store,
and wander in whenever you feel like it.
You really think you're hysterical,
don't you?
Yeah, l do. lt cuts down
on entertainment expenses.
-Kissy kissy.
-No.
All right. Why can't l stay mad at you?
l mean, you know something,
we'd have terrific fights.
You know something? l should have
married you for your money.
Yeah, l love myself
primarily for my money.
lt's pathetic, really, but l do.
And l'm probably wasting my time.
l'm probably not even
mentioned in my will.
-How are you?
-l'm fine.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
Listen, l saw Dr. Holbrook today.
-lt was today? l could have gone with you.
-No, honey, it didn't matter.
l mean, he just had the results
of the tests back.
-What did he say?
-He said, ''Have a seat.''
He said he was putting
new carpeting in his office.
And then what?
And he said l couldn't have children.
God, that sucks, Linda.
l mean, you would have made
a great mother.
Yeah, l know.
l've had so much practice with you.
At least we don't
have to have sex anymore.
Are you cute?
You want to dance?
As long as it's not too arousing.
-We'll be right back.
-Easy, Romeo.
Happy person, let's hang her on the tree.
A one, a two...
a gootchi, gootchi, goo.
A one, a two.
-Arthur.
-Linda, where have you gone?
Honey.
-How do you feel about adoption?
-Adoption?
Yeah, adoption.
Look, all you need are two mature people
who love each other very much.
And we could hire them.
Arthur, wait a minute.
l need you serious for a minute, honey.
Look, l know having a kid
doesn't mean much to you right now...
but it's all l've ever thought about
for the last three years.
Arthur, every time l pass a playground,
l just die.
Then we adopt.
-What?
-Yeah.
-Just like that?
-Yeah.
Don't you want
to think about it a little bit?
No, set up the appointment.
l mean, any kid would be lucky
to have you as a mother.
Arthur, thank you.
Honey.
There we are.
Blimey, you can stop it.
Thank you, l love you.
l am so excited...
and l love you so much.
l love you so much, it hurts.
That's because you're leaning on my fork.
l know, take it away immediately.
Arthur, you know
what l'm going to do tomorrow morning?
Here, look what l found
in this new novelty store...
l found in Times Square.
What? These l don't need.
l could always see right through you.
l'm gonna.... What is that?
Phony throw-up. We'll get a free meal here
if it's the last thing we do.
-Arthur.
-Now wait a minute, l have plans for that.
What? Trick soap? No. Fairchild?
Arthur, haven't you tortured
that poor man enough?
No, definitely not.
-Andre!
-Andre.
This your idea of a joke?
Don't touch the Barfellini Bolognese. lt's....
Good morning, sir.
-Good morning, Fairchild.
-Good morning, Mr. Bach.
-Good morning, Ted.
-Here is your tea, sir...
your fresh orange juice,
your dish of aspirin...
and of course, your newspaper.
Fairchild, what happened to your hands?
The soap in my bathroom, sir.
The soap in your bathroom, Fairchild?
Yes, it seems to be malfunctioning.
Fairchild, it's a joke.
Soap doesn't malfunction.
-lt's trick soap.
-l see. Thank you, sir.
You're welcome, Fairchild.
Shall l throw the soap out...
or will you be tricking me again
with it later?
Blimey! Questions this early
in the morning.
Trick soap out or in?
-Forget it, Fairchild.
-Yes, sir.
-Where's Mrs. Bach? ls she....
-Madam awoke early.
She had some phone calls to make.
ln that case,
put on one of her nightgowns...
and come in here, would you?
Sir?
Come on, Fairchild.
l know you want it.
l've seen the way you look at me.
Fairchild! l'm kidding.
God, it's the truth.
Don't they ever kid each other
on your planet?
-On my planet, sir?
-Yeah.
l mean, don't l drive you nuts?
Don't you want to pick up
one of these chairs here...
and whack me over the head with it?
-Whack you, sir? l could never.
-l give you permission.
Listen, l used to have a butler
who would take my hat off all the time...
and hit me over the head with it
and call me a little shit!
We must have gone
to different butlering schools, sir.
Yeah, maybe. He was
more than a butler, actually.
He was my friend, you know?
He was more than that, really.
Yes, Hobson. l've heard you two
were very close.
Yeah, we were.
And you know what, Fairchild?
You remind me of him
in absolutely no way whatsoever.
Loosen up, Fairchild, l give you
permission to enjoy your life.
Thank you, sir. l shall try.
You're very welcome.
Now it's time for my bath.
Yeah, take that, Godzilla.
l guess you'd say
What can make me feel this way?
Myself, myself, myself
Talking about myself, myself
Go get him, sub!
Get that wreck!
Okay, basketball time.
Here we go.
Hip hooray, sir.
Aren't baths the best thing ever, Fairchild?
lmagine a world without bathtubs.
l mean, for one thing,
this floor would be soaking wet.
What do they call you, Mr. Charisma?
Are you alone?
Alone? l am as alone as a person can be...
without actually technically being alone.
-Hi, Fairchild.
-Madam.
Why don't you come on in?
l'm naked, l'm horizontal,
l am covered with bubbles.
So most of your work is already done.
Sorry, stud, no time.
-l'm making a list of adoption agencies.
-How are you doing?
So far, not so good.
Everyone l've talked to
insists on meeting you.
l love you, Mrs. Bach, don't ever die.
Where's your snake?
My snake? He's very well this morning,
but he was very naughty.
l had to put him underwater
for an hour and a half.
Arthur, have you been
thinking about names?
Names? He wants a name, too?
The spoiled little brat.
What about Senator? Senator Bach?
Sort of give the kid a head start.
Fairchild, Senator Bach.
-You hear that one?
-Yes, sir, a head start.
Right. Get the snake out.
l almost forgot. Your father called,
he wants to see you this morning.
My father?
Must have been a wrong number.
-No, he said it was important. Fairchild.
-Madam.
l'm leaving it in your hands.
You make sure that he gets there.
Nice gloves.
-Fairchild, what are you waiting for?
-l don't know, sir.
l'm going to see my father.
What does that mean?
A drink, sir.
Please!
Yeah, hello, my beauty.
Hi, Dad.
-May l help you?
-Yeah, l've come to see my father...
but if he's too busy, l'll be glad to leave
and never come back.
-...before l leave for Madrid on Tuesday.
-Yeah, Wednesday would be too late.
Arthur, you're here.
Craig Powell, this is my....
My son. l'm his son.
-Yes. l've heard a lot about you.
-l'm afraid most of it is true.
-Have a good trip.
-Bye-bye.
Come on in, Arthur,
this won't take a minute.
Right in here.
God, blimey.
That Craig Powell bloke's
got the smallest toupee...
l've ever seen in my life.
-You're drunk.
-On the contrary.
l've never been more intoxicated
in my life.
How does he keep his head
on the pillow at night, l ask you?
-You'll never change, will you?
-No.
l heard you accosted Kendall Winchester
in the park yesterday.
Yeah, good old K.W.W.
W.
You think the whole world is here
for your amusement.
Yes, l do, and you're doing a splendid job.
Thank you very much indeed.
There's some papers here
you need to sign.
My God, you've been busy.
We're merging, Arthur.
lt's a very big move.
This time next week, we'll be one half...
of the third largest conglomerate
in the world.
lt's about time. l've been saying this
for years, you know.
-Sign here, there are four copies.
-Okay.
lt's all very involved.
You wouldn't understand.
l'm not 8 years old, Father.
How do you make an ''A''?
lt's all right, l remember.
-Who are we merging with?
-Burt Johnson.
-Burt Johnson? But he's a maniac!
-He's not a maniac, Arthur.
-He's maniacish. He tried to kill me.
-Not without reason.
You left his daughter standing at the altar.
You humiliated him, Arthur.
l didn't love Susan.
When l told him,
he came at me with a knife.
They don't make pens
like they used to, do they, Dad?
-Do be careful with this one.
-Yeah, right.
lt was Mother's, wasn't it?
Yeah. Bless her cotton socks.
Tristan, remember to put stickers
on all the paintings that have been sold...
and buy two more cases of champagne.
But make sure it's domestic.
A lot of freeloaders
come to these openings.
Ask Miriam to get enough hangers
for the front entrance.
And whatever you do...
don't turn away members of the press
like last time.
-Marcia !
-Hi, Susan.
-l'm so glad you could come.
-Me, too.
This Elizabeth Murray is fantastic.
The colors are brilliant, aren't they?
l've got to show you
the Hans Hofman we just got, it's divine.
Painted in 1942, Provincetown series.
-Look at that movement.
-Very interesting.
Should l put a little reserve on that
for you? Take a look around...
there's much to see,
and let me know if l can help you.
-Thank you.
-Okay.
-Daddy!
-My sunshine girl.
What a surprise.
You never come down here.
-You know what this place could use?
-What?
Some John Audubon paintings.
Ever heard of him?
He's a naturalist, he paints birds.
Don't laugh.
People love birds.
People love to look at birds.
People don't want to look at this.
This is not right.
We don't want that kind of stuff...
-in our gallery. Right.
-ln our gallery.
ls that why you dropped by,
to critique the collection?
No. Actually, l have
some news for you about Arthur.
-Divorce?
-No.
-They're separated?
-No.
Did he kill her?
That's my girl. Come on.
Susan, you remember that day...
four years ago at the church?
-Yes.
-And you remember l said...
somehow, some way,
l'd make things right?
What have you done, Daddy?
l've gone into business
with Stanford Bach...
only, Bach made a big mistake.
He used my lawyer.
That's like inviting me
into a high-stakes poker game...
and letting me deal.
By this time next week...
Arthur will be
seriously reappraising his situation.
l thought after a few months with her,
that he'd get her out of his system.
l didn't want to get him back like this.
But you'll take him.
Of course l'll take him. Thank you, Daddy.
That's my girl.
Thank you very much
for coming in, Mrs. Todd.
l'll call you as soon as l hear anything.
Thanks. Bye, Dr. Todd.
-Mr. and Mrs. Bach?
-Yes.
-Hi. Cynthia Canby.
-How do you do?
lt's nice to meet you
after talking to you on the phone.
Please call me Linda. This is Arthur.
-Hi, how are you?
-And Fairchild, our butler.
-How do you do?
-Very well, thank you.
-Come on in.
-All right.
-Shall l wait here, sir?
-No, there.
This is nice.
l've never met a real-life butler before.
Yeah, he shakes hands great.
l taught him that.
Actually, l do
most of the housework myself.
l just use him to reach the higher shelves.
Who do you like better so far,
me or Linda?
Honey!
-Why don't you sit down?
-Okay, just a minute, darling.
Let me just test these out.
You'd better sit here, darling.
This looks a tad more comfortable.
l'll take this less comfortable chair.
That's the kind of guy l am.
l'll make a note. Passes chair test.
Mrs. Canby, did you help
all of these people?
l've got the best job in the whole world.
l make families.
-They're all smiling.
-Yeah.
l guess babies do that to people.
What l'd like to do is put a picture
of you and Arthur on that wall.
Mrs. Canby, if you could do that...
you would make me....
You would make us...
the happiest people in the whole world.
Now l've been going through your file.
We've collected some information
about you.
But l just wanted to ask you
a couple of things.
ls it true that you own five houses?
-No way.
-No.
-No, six, actually.
-What do you mean, six?
-What about the one in Saint-Tropez?
-What? That's a shack, Arthur.
That's not a house.
Well, forget the baby, adopt me.
Raising a happy child
has nothing to do with money.
-Yeah.
-You can say that again.
Now, there's been quite a bit
about you in the press.
There's mention here
of a drinking problem.
Now wait a minute.
Linda might enjoy an occasional glass
of wine, but to suggest...
-there's a drinking problem....
-Arthur, l was talking about you.
Mrs. Canby, he never drives.
l make sure he doesn't ever drive.
And last year,
he joined Alcoholics Anonymous.
l see.
-How many meetings did you attend?
-Meetings?
l guess l didn't read the entire pamphlet.
l've never done that in my entire life.
l swear l'm not a kicker.
lt's all right.
lf you hadn't kicked him, l would have.
We take drinking problems
very seriously around here.
Look, Mrs. Canby,
l know we're not perfect.
No, we're not. For example,
l've only got one good leg.
But Arthur and l,
we're the happiest couple l know.
And it's not the money.
l just know it's not. lt's us.
l mean, we laugh all the time...
and l hardly ever kick him,
and he hardly ever kicks me.
lt just seems like without a baby...
something really wonderful
is being wasted.
l'll see what l can do.
-That's it?
-That's it.
l'm gonna be visiting
your home sometime.
-What about tomorrow?
-l can't tell you when.
The idea is to catch you by surprise,
to see how you really live.
Any day's good except Tuesdays...
'cause that's when we're out
robbing gas stations.
-Don't worry about a thing, it'll be fine.
-Nice meeting you, Mrs. Canby.
-Yes, you, too. l'll be in touch.
-Okay. Bye.
l thought it went very well.
-Yeah.
-Yeah?
l'll meet you in the car, okay?
l just want to ask her something.
You moved.
Look, Mrs. Canby...
you've heard the expression,
''He's just a kidder.''
He is, he's just a kidder.
He'd do anything to make you laugh
and make you comfortable.
He'd do anything to make you happy.
Do you think we have a chance?
l think you have an excellent chance.
You know, he'll make a wonderful father.
l'm sure he will,
but you've got to be realistic.
Adopting a baby can take months,
even years.
l wouldn't go shopping
for highchairs just yet.
l don't know, l like them all. They're....
Look how cute this is.
-You must have a great time working here.
-l do.
l'm going to take this one, definitely.
l still like this one the best.
lt's great up here.
-Kid will love this, right, Fairchild?
-l suppose he must, sir.
Yeah. How you do this
with such dignity baffles me.
Thank you, sir.
-Here.
-lt's all right, sir.
Now don't fool around, Fairchild.
-We haven't got all day.
-Yes, sir.
Look at how delicate this is.
This is great. Look at that workmanship.
l'm gonna take this one.
Yes, Mrs. Bach.
May l ask, when is the baby due?
What baby? This is for me.
l'm having trouble sleeping.
This is great!
-Fairchild.
-Madam?
Did you show that to Arthur?
Does he like it?
Yes, he wants it.
Good.
Fairchild!
Look, Fairchild! l'm finally on the wagon!
-l'll take these to the car.
-No, that's okay. l'll take it.
Do they make these with a wet bar
and a back seat?
No, sir.
We'll take it anyway.
The kid will just have to rough it.
l know this is hard to believe,
but he's never once been mistaken...
for a Supreme Court justice.
-There was one occasion when l--
-Are we taking this? Wanna hold this?
-Thank you.
-Hold on.
-Red light! Green light!
-Arthur.
So how did you two meet?
At Bergdorf Goodman. l was shoplifting.
No, l'm....
Sir, there's a call for you
on the car phone. Burt Johnson.
-Burt Johnson?
-Burt Johnson?
Pull!
Hello, Mr. Johnson.
Arthur. Welcome aboard.
Thank you.
You're looking fine.
And by fine, of course,
l mean big and frightening.
l see you're still drinking, Arthur.
Yeah, sir, l'd stop drinking in a minute...
if l could find a faster, more efficient way...
of getting all this Scotch into my body.
How's Susan? Married, l hope.
Twenty-eight children.
Susan's not married.
Susan never got married.
-Really?
-Pull!
You must hate those things.
Would you like to try it?
Me? l don't think l'm....
Yes, there's nothing like the feel of a fine,
handcrafted shotgun.
-Go ahead, try it.
-Okay. Would you mind?
There's nothing like the feel
of a huge glass of Scotch...
in the left hand.
Pull! Hit the bullet!
He missed. No, your way's better.
l can see that now, thank you.
l'm better at this.
-You hurt me, Arthur.
-l did?
You embarrassed me
in front of the entire community.
l--
Worst of all,
you broke my little girl's heart.
l'm not a vindictive man.
-l'm a very vindictive man.
-l see.
l think l better take.... No!
Pull!
That one was self-defense, right?
lt was gonna circle back and kill us both.
l'm gonna get another drink now.
What time is it, Arthur?
-What time is it?
-Feel any different?
-Different?
-You should, you know.
You're broke, Arthur.
As of 12:00 noon today, you're busted.
You're shit.
Wait a minute, l'm shit?
-Remember the big merger?
-Yeah.
Your family and l
formed this big corporation...
each of us owning 40% of the stock.
And the remaining 20%
was supposed to be owned...
by a group of foreign investors.
Foreign--
l bought out those investors
earlier this morning.
You bought them out?
lt's called controlling interest, Arthur.
l already talked to your family...
and they can run the company...
live exactly as they have been...
on one condition.
That you are cut off.
-What?
-You don't get a penny.
Can l borrow that gun a moment?
l want to....
Nope, it's all over.
No more cars, no more yachts.
No more houses. The party is over!
Why are you doing this?
Because you didn't marry Susan!
But lots of people didn't marry Susan.
l mean, that guy over there,
he didn't even take her out to dinner.
-Let's get him and beat the shit out of him.
-Now you can get your money back.
Just get a divorce and marry my little girl.
She still loves you,
although l can't imagine why.
But eventually, you'll come around.
You're soft, you're pathetic.
You wouldn't last 24 hours
without money.
Seriously, why did you want to see me?
No. We're all finished talking.
l'm going back to the yacht club.
You know, l'd ask you to join me...
but there's a $15 cover charge,
and you can't afford it.
Hello! Hi, honey!
We're poor!
We're white trash, Linda !
Linda, we're bankrupt!
Linda, there's a bleak fiscal outlook.
Linda?
Greta, have you seen my wife?
-Destitute woman about this tall.
-Mr. Bach.
l think she's in where they're redecorating.
Hello, darling.... Sorry, you're too tall.
Hi, darling.
l'm so glad you're home.
This will be so wonderful.
Look, l wanted to wait
before l made a final decision.
-But l'm really leaning towards the peach.
-Yeah, me, too.
lf it's a girl. Now, if it's a boy, look at this.
They're all good, but the robin's egg blue
is the best, don't you think?
l'm gonna put a neutral carpet
and a big picture of Hobson on that wall.
-That'll be nice.
-Arthur, you know something?
You can teach a baby to read
at 8 months old.
Listen to this. All right.
''The period from one to five.''
Hold it. How much will all this cost?
How much?
Arthur, l've never heard you say that.
-You all right?
-No, l'm great.
l've just heard some wonderful news.
We're going to inherit the earth.
Good, dear. l'll get that.
Hello? Yes.
Yeah. Ricky, it's for you. Thank you.
Now, what are you talking about?
Speak English. We're in America.
Okay, but l must insist
you hold your applause till the end.
All right.
-Burt Johnson.
-Burt Johnson?
Burt Johnson has seized control
of my family's company.
He's forcing them to cut me off
until l divorce you and marry Susan.
-What's for dinner?
-Lasagna.
-What do you mean? Can he do that?
-Apparently he has.
Excuse me, Mrs. Bach.
l'm sorry, that was the office.
lt seems as though
there's a problem with your credit.
-l guess he can do that.
-l'm sure it's a mistake.
-Victor, Vincent, let's....
-l'll call you tomorrow, okay?
-Great.
-Thanks a lot. Thank you. Bye.
Nice boys, l think.
Arthur, this is crazy.
What are we gonna do?
We? No.
Thank you so much. Good-bye.
Do have a nice life.
Susan and l would love
to have you over sometime.
Honey, come here.
Tell me exactly what happened.
l mean, slowly and calmly...
exactly what we're talking about.
l mean, we're talking about our home?
Our cars?
-Not your trust fund?
-Everything.
Everything was in the company's name.
-But you know what the worst thing is?
-What?
l hate lasagna.
Excuse me, l have to lay down.
lt's nice down here. l can understand
why all the little worms come down here.
-Bloody hell.
-Honey?
Think we'll ever look back on this
and laugh?
-No.
-No.
Arthur, what about the baby?
Mrs. Canby said
that the money doesn't matter.
Yeah. She did, didn't she?
-Yeah.
-l guess that's true.
Yeah, it is. l just hope
the security guard at the 7-Eleven...
feels the same way.
Listen. Deep down inside,
don't you feel just a little bit relieved?
Yeah. l do, actually. l feel relieved...
of $750 million.
Yeah, l still got it, haven't l?
-l'll say.
-Yeah.
The hell with them.
We're gonna be fine, Arthur.
-Yeah.
-We are, honestly.
Look, you taught me how to be rich, right?
l'll teach you how to be poor.
lt's really easy. lt's exactly the same thing.
You just do it in fewer rooms.
Look, lesson number one.
Hold on, now.
Yeah. This is how poor people
comfort each other.
And now this is how
poor people say l love you.
l love you.
See, they can't give each other
yachts or condominiums.
Blimey. No wonder
there's so many of them.
l never liked yachts anyway.
What? Here? Now?
For $750 million...
lady, this better be good.
Arthur, you've always been
my favorite grandchild.
Martha, l am your only grandchild.
l can't help you this time, Arthur.
Burt Johnson has got our family
by the nuts.
He's forced your father and l to cut you off.
As of noon today,
you couldn't even sign a personal check.
Martha, l've never seen you
give up like this before.
You've never seen me this old before.
l'm not 75 anymore.
Those were the days.
You.
Arthur, even if l could do something...
l don't know that l would.
Johnson is right. You belong with Susan.
-Martha?
-l've always felt that.
-Linda and l have been married--
-Martha, you ready for your workout?
Martha, there's a nearly naked man
in your living room.
My doctor suggested
that l try a little exercise.
Troy, this is my grandson Arthur.
Arthur's just lost $750 million.
-$750 million? Damn! Sorry to hear that.
-lt's a long story--
Yeah, so anyway,
Martha, you ready to rock and roll?
Breathe. Let it out.
Here we go, jumping jacks.
Come on, kick it up.
Yeah, that's it.
You with me, Martha? Let's go.
-Martha, you just sit here and watch?
-Yes.
All right, Martha, pushups.
l started out 20 minutes a day.
Now l can do nearly a whole hour.
lt's done wonders for me, Arthur.
-l've never felt this well in my entire life.
-Yeah, l can--
Okay, let's work those hips, Martha.
ln and out. Come on, Martha.
Arthur, l think this is my favorite one.
Yeah. Here we go.
All the way around, Martha.
Yeah.
-No pain, no gain.
-Arthur, marry Susan.
You've had your fling.
Now it's time to face facts.
Martha.
Arthur, are you saying
that your marriage to Linda Marolla...
that nobody, a waitress from Queens...
is worth more than $750 million?
l love her, Martha.
That's not what l asked you, is it?
Now this is my real favorite.
l can see why.
We'll take a little break. Yeah.
Keep the buttocks tight.
What do you think, should l take this?
-Yes. You'll need warm things.
-Yeah. That's right.
That looks about right.
Greta...
you better take these.
They were on the jewelry inventory.
All right. l guess that's it.
You talk to her.
The wife and l feel just awful
about this, Mrs. Bach.
lf there's anything
that we could do to help...
please let us know.
Mary, thank you.
There's really nothing...
unless, of course, you'd like to loan us
$10 million to tide us over.
l love you guys. Thank you.
Please take care of yourself.
Okay. You mind if l just have a minute
alone in here?
Of course.
Sir. l've packed your bag.
Thanks, Fairchild.
l've never been in here.
This was Hobson's room.
lt's much larger than my room.
l've kept it locked up.
He's someone l didn't want to forget.
Yes, l think l understand, sir.
My father died when l was 10.
l'm sorry.
The big ''C.''
Yeah, cancer?
No, sir, he drowned in the big sea.
By the by, sir...
l've been thinking it over,
and that business with the soap?
-Yes.
-l think l get it.
Good.
lt was very funny, sir.
Yes, it was. Thank you, Fairchild.
l want to thank you both for everything.
Will the two of you be all right?
l mean, do you have...
a place to go?
-Yeah. Sure. No problem.
-Yeah. No problem.
-No, it can't be.
-Hi, Dad.
-No.
-Dad, wait a minute.
Open the door, Dad. lt's only temporary.
Dad.
This isn't happening. l don't believe it.
This can't be happening.
What about my new house
in Fort Lauderdale?
Dad, there is no more house.
The house is history.
Haven't you been listening?
l've been trying not to, actually.
This must be awfully difficult
for both of you, being sober.
We'll stay in the guest room,
and it's only temporary. l promise.
Right. l mean,
we'll both be dead in 40 years.
Fifty, tops. Right, darling?
What are you doing?
l'm clipping coupons
in case we want to eat next week.
Make yourself useful, honey.
Cut along the dotted line.
Dotted line?
About that house in Fort Lauderdale....
Arthur, l don't want you
to get the wrong idea.
l mean, l just didn't love you
for your money.
No, l appreciate that, Ralph.
l loved you for your father's money!
God! l'm sorry. l'll be all right. Excuse me.
l apologize. Excuse me.
God, no.
Oh, God! Why me?
Dad.
-Hiya.
-Oops. What'll it be?
Give me two poached eggs on rye,
and make that toast well-done.
Yeah, you got it.
Two Adam and Eve on rye.
Sink them and then burn them.
All right!
You must have waitressed before.
Yeah. About five years ago.
Speaking of five years,
where's my English muffin?
-Coming.
-lt's just an English muffin.
What did l do, stump the chef?
Stump the chef. That's very funny.
You're a very funny little customer.
lt's coming.
Hi. What'll it be?
l only got $4.00. What do you recommend?
l recommend a cup of coffee
and a $3.00 tip.
l'm only kidding. l'll get you the meat loaf.
You'll love it.
One Alpo special. lt's coming.
-You married?
-Yeah.
God. l wish l were.
What does your husband do?
Actually, today he's out looking for a job.
What did he used to do?
Everything. Except look for a job.
Where's that English?
-You got it.
-Thanks.
What, no butter? No jelly?
You should have ordered the meat loaf.
There you go.
As they say in the West,
don't let your meat loaf.
-Hi.
-Hi.
Susan, hi.
Goodness, you're looking tall.
Quite tall.
Taller than l remember. Statuesque.
Amazonian, really.
-l've been expecting you.
-No. Don't say that.
Susan, we have to talk.
l want you to know that...
l don't hate you
for what you did to me, Arthur.
-l could never hate you.
-No.
Thanks to Dr. Lyman,
l've worked through all those emotions.
-You're seeing a psychiatrist?
-l'm down to three times a week.
Arthur, there's a big Christmas party
on my father's yacht next week.
lt would be the perfect time
to announce our re-engagement.
l still have the ring.
No. Put that away.
Linda? You're Susan. Listen...
Linda thinks l'm out looking for a job.
But l'm not.
l'm here asking you to call your father off.
Call him off? But why?
Arthur, we were happy, weren't we?
Sure we were. Then we met.
That was a joke.
But, of course, there's no way for you
to have known that.
l married Linda because
l wanted to spend my life with her.
l love her.
She's not right for you, Arthur.
She's not one of us.
And if it takes what Daddy's doing
to make you see that...
well then, so be it.
Susan...
you're such an asshole.
l'm a woman who knows what she wants.
l always get what l want, Arthur.
-Why not?
-And what l want is you.
Yeah.
Okay, you scrape with a penny.
You could win $1 million with this.
-Win $1 million?
-$1 million.
So that means if l won 750 of those,
l'll be back where l started, right?
Let's just take them
one at a time, all right?
-Okay.
-All right. Here we go.
-See, nothing matches. You lose.
-Wait a minute.
Are you scratching the right side?
-Doesn't matter. Six or nine--
-You have three on both sides.
lf they match, don't you get something?
Hold it!
All right, here we go.
What is it?
lt's free. Look, it's nutritious. lt's delicious.
l brought it home from the diner.
lt's meat loaf, Dad.
l'm only asking in case
l have to describe it later to a doctor.
Until either one of you
brings home a paycheck...
l don't want to hear any complaints.
How's the job hunting going?
Good. l've seen about five people--
l need a rsum first of all, and--
Hold it! God, this is some family.
Every year, the two of you
get more and more alike.
All right, we ready?
Arthur, you need
some mashed potatoes. Here.
-l do?
-Yes. They're good for you.
We're set.
You say the blessing, Arthur.
Blessing?
Yeah. Just tell us
something you're thankful for.
l'm thankful
l got the smallest piece of meat loaf.
lt's a magical night.
Who could that be?
lt's probably somebody
standing in the hall...
knocking on the door.
Maybe it's the mother of this meat loaf
coming to kill you.
lt's all right. l got it, Arthur.
Sit down, sweetheart. lt's all right.
Don't pay any attention.
Yeah, Nick? What is it?
l understand there are
two individuals living here...
who are not on the lease.
They're family.
They're staying
until they get back on their feet.
l'm sorry, Ralph,
but this building's just been sold.
And the new owner is insisting
that all the regulations be enforced.
What are you trying to say?
ln fact, he mentioned you specifically.
Wait a minute. A new owner, did you say?
Let me guess. Burt Johnson Enterprises.
Yeah. That's right.
You folks have enemies in high places.
You must have screwed up really bad.
142. This has got to be it here.
-ls that it?
-140. Okay, Arthur, look at me.
Now remember, let me
do the talking, okay? Here we go.
''Eat-in kitchen with lOL in every room.''
What does that mean?
Who knows? Who cares?
lt's the cheapest apartment
in the whole city.
lf it has a floor, we're taking it.
lt has a floor. We're doomed.
Honey, what's the super's name?
Butterworth.
lOL. What does that mean?
-Hello.
-Hi.
l spoke to you earlier today
about the apartment.
What?
l spoke to you earlier today
on the telephone...
about the apartment for rent.
Yes, about the apartment.
Yes, l'm Linda Bach,
and this is my husband Arthur.
-Yeah, but she'll be doing--
-Speak up, honey.
She'll do all the talking. l can't be trusted.
Don't yell!
-l suppose you want to see the apartment.
-Yes, please.
lt's upstairs. Apartment 5.
Great.
This is a beautiful place you got here.
What are you, blind?
Here's something you've never seen.
Come here.
l had them put this electric chair in.
lt's a great idea.
-Yes, very nice.
-Thank you.
That's good.
ls it working?
Of course it's working. We're on our way.
Look, maybe if you just gave us the key.
Sorry. Not allowed.
-Another step.
-That felt great.
lt'll be a co-op by the time we get there.
Hold on. l've gotta tie my shoelace.
You go on ahead. l'll catch up.
You folks have any children?
-Not yet.
-Not yet.
-But we might have--
-By the time we see this apartment.
l think you'll like it.
lt's got lOL in every room.
-lOL.
-lsland of Love.
-No. lnteroffice Lubrication.
-That must be it.
You know, Ferrari makes this.
There's just a few bugs to work out.
What is lOL?
You'll find out soon enough.
Here we are.
-Can l help you?
-No.
Don't do it. Thank God.
The artist who lives here
couldn't pay his rent. Bum.
This is the living room.
Come. l'll show you the kitchen.
-Let's get out of here.
-Wait. Let's give it a chance.
Your stove, refrigerator, sink, cabinets...
everything handy.
Don't get too attached to any of this stuff.
The guy who lives here
is taking everything with him.
-What is that smell?
-Bug bomb.
They work much better
than the Roach Motel.
The roach motel wouldn't look
that bad to me right now.
The bedroom.
Beautiful view.
l almost forgot. Come here.
l want to show you something.
Watch this.
See? lnstant On Lighting.
lOL in every room.
lnstant on lighting?
Honey, look. lt's true.
There's virtually no delay.
Thought it was sort of come-on.
Come here and try this.
You're asking $800....
-Arthur!
-l'm hooked.
You're asking $850 for this place
with a straight face?
-ln advance.
-lOL. Come on.
Look, l've only been working two weeks.
l've got $350. You take it...
or you leave it.
l'll take it. Here's the key. l'll send
the lease up to you in the morning.
-You'd better get started.
-That's 12 hours away.
-He'll never make it.
-Thanks a lot.
That's it. He won't make that.
God, lOL. l've always dreamt of lOL.
Listen.
We clean this place up,
we paint the walls...
this place would be a shit hole.
You know?
We're not staying here one moment
longer than we have to, all right?
But right now, this is it.
This is what we've got.
l'm gonna make this work.
We can make this work.
l can clean this place up just fine.
l mean, lots of families
live in much worse than this.
But, Arthur...
honey, we're gonna have to
become a two-income family.
You're gonna get a second job? Sorry.
Listen, l'm gonna apply for unemployment.
You cannot collect unemployment
until you've worked some.
Arthur!
What do you expect me to do?
l mean, what am l trained to do?
For Christ's sake, you went to Harvard.
l did?
What did you major in?
Ballet.
Fine.
You're not even gonna try? That's fine.
You're not even gonna try to help.
Try what? l mean, tell me.
What do you want me to do?
-l want you to grow up.
-Grow up?
l want you to get a job.
Fine.
This is real life, Arthur. l mean, this is it.
This is it?
Fine. There's the door.
That's the door.
l wondered what it was
with the brass knob and the chain...
and the little hole you peep through...
and the ''gents'' restroom....
l know where the door is.
Do you know where a job is?
Fine.
Fine.
Maybe you shouldn't wait up
because l might not be back.
-Fine.
-l am off.
Fine.
Fine, l am really off.
-Fine.
-Fine.
Arthur, don't procrastinate.
lf you say you're gonna
do something, do it.
You go to the door, take the knob,
and move your ass. Mrs. Canby.
Mrs. Canby? What....
Mr. Marolla said l could find you here.
ls this a bad time?
-No.
-No.
Why don't you come in?
Yeah, come on in.
Yeah. Suffered a minor setback
since we last saw you.
Yes, l know. Linda filled me in a little.
-Change of address.
-Heart attack.
l called her, Arthur. l had to. l wanted to....
Park Avenue gets on your nerves
after a while.
Look, we just got here ourselves,
Mrs. Canby, so....
But it's....
lt's fine. l mean, look, there's the fireplace,
and it evidently works.
l'll give you a tour.
Here's the kitchen,
which is really convenient, you know.
That's a bug bomb.
lt's better than Roach Motel.
-Safer, too.
-Yeah.
And this is the bedroom.
See, Mrs. Canby,
what l thought we could do is...
move the bed over to there...
even if it blocks the bathroom a bit,
because this gives a bigger area...
for the nursery, you know.
lt's light and sunny--
We're gonna let the kid
keep all the mice he catches.
We've blown it, haven't we, Mrs. Canby?
No, you haven't. Come on, this will be fine.
Why don't we all go in the living room
and sit down and talk?
We had such a nice house.
Some of my favorite people
were raised in worse places than this.
This used to be an artist's place,
as you can tell.
Yeah, he's gonna come
pick this stuff up soon, l hope.
l'll sit on this.
Get the pecking order right.
So, Linda, you told me
you're working at a diner.
Yes. You can drop by any time you want.
All the free food you can eat.
Yeah. l recommend the meat loaf.
lt's great.
-l enjoyed it.
-Thank you.
How about you, Arthur?
How are you doing with your drinking?
Great.
Have you been looking for a job?
We were just discussing that before you--
You know something?
He was on his way out when you came in.
That's terrific, 'cause l've got some news.
What news?
There's a baby.
-There's a baby?
-What? Did you hear that, Arthur?
Of course l did. l'm sitting closer to her.
l heard it before you.
Wait. There's a baby?
There's an unwed mother...
and her due date
is less than two weeks away.
And she wants to give up her baby
for adoption?
-My God, l got to get busy.
-That's great.
This is very, very unofficial,
but l would like to see it happen.
-Mrs. Canby....
-Us, too.
-l wasn't here today.
-Okay. All right.
l'll be back next week.
Can you have these walls painted by then?
What's your favorite color? Absolutely.
And can you have
some furniture in this room?
Absolutely.
And, Arthur, can you stay off the drinking
and get a job?
Absolutely.
Look, just think of it
as a big toy store for grown-ups.
-Okay. Yeah, that's a real help.
-lt's gonna be fine.
Yeah, l know.
-What are you writing, honey?
-Well--
Never mind. Doesn't matter.
He won't read that.
lt's what you do in person.
lt's how you talk to him.
lf you're confident. lf you're not nervous.
You'll get the job.
Sit over there. Okay. Next.
-Come on in.
-Good luck, darling.
Sit down.
Last job held...
millionaire playboy?
-Right.
-Exactly what did that entail?
l raced cars. l bred horses.
l yachted. The usual.
Mr. Bach, this is a hardware store.
Have you ever been
inside a hardware store?
No, not actually inside, l must confess.
Once l overheard the servants talk
about how they had to go to one.
You deal in tools, right?
Servants?
That's one for the books.
You're laughing.
That means you like me.
lt's going great.
He's laughing and everything.
l'll keep you informed.
We're getting on fine, aren't we?
Arthur, we're looking for somebody
who's honest...
not afraid to learn,
and not afraid to do a little hard work.
Hank, if you hire me, l'll help you look.
How do l think of these things? Wait.
l just got off a great zinger
about helping him look.
lt's in the bag.
This is sort of new to you.
How about a drink?
No. lt's not time.
Now it's time.
Arthur, what are you doing here?
l'm having a drink with you.
Come on, Arthur, really.
What are you doing here?
My wife is trying to adopt a baby...
and the agency said l have to have a job.
You know, she's really depending on me.
Nobody's ever depended on me ever
for anything.
l'm scared to death, but here l am.
Everybody says...
we're supposed to give
kids without any experience a break.
l don't see why l can't give
somebody my own age a break, also.
-That's good, right?
-Yeah.
-What you said about....
-Sure.
We had a sentimental moment.
He said something about giving a break.
l'm drinking the man's gin,
so l think the rest of you can call it a day.
-You got the job!
-l may be jumping.
-How do you do?
-This is my wife.
How do you do?
l think it's okay.
Here we go.
Here's a blank embryo key.
We put the original in here.
Lock the little key in there,
and then we put the one...
that you're gonna have done right in there.
Then we do that, press that...
and let it go on its own.
l can almost sing what it says now.
Believe it or not, that is done.
-That's quick, too.
-Yeah. lt's quick. Quick as a flash.
God. Here we are. There's the original.
Now, it's got
a few bits and pieces on here.
And l'll just take this off
and make sure you can get in the door.
Otherwise, you wouldn't
be able to move it in there.
You see? Here we are.
You might have to jiggle it a bit....
Be sure to save your receipt.
Excuse me. Would this work
on fabricated half-inch pipe?
Are you kidding? This thing was made
for fabricated half-inch pipe.
This thing's middle name
is fabricated half-inch pipe.
Fabricated half-inch pipe.
Watch out! Here comes its thing!
What's wrong with you?
Nothing. l've just gone all day
without a nap.
lt's $8.99 plus tax.
$8.99 plus tax.
Total....
Open up.
Amityville cash register.
Forget it. Life's too short.
Hi. Can l help you?
What is fabricated half-inch pipe, anyway?
-Hank.
-Arthur, do you have a minute?
Yeah, sure.
Yeah. Great. No problems at all.
There is one thing.
Hardly worth mentioning.
l can't get these stupid machines to work.
Arthur, l'm sorry. l've got some bad news.
l have to let you go.
But wait a minute, l just got here, Hank.
You said you'd give me a chance.
No, it's not me.
The store's just been sold,
and the new owner wants you out.
He mentioned you by name.
l'll probably be next.
l don't understand it myself.
Here, maybe this will help.
No. l've just been here half a day.
l think l broke your cash register.
Go on. Take it.
l feel awful.
Thanks, Hank.
l'll pay you back.
Come in, Mr. Butterworth.
The door is open.
Hello, Linda.
You're not Mr. Butterworth.
l can tell by the coat.
What do you want?
l think we should talk.
Really?
l tell you, l'm really busy.
l'm redecorating, as you can tell...
and House Beautiful is coming
at any minute.
l see.
lt's so...you.
Look, if you just dropped by to see
if Arthur and l are falling apart...
you're gonna be disappointed.
We're doing fine.
We're together. We're happy.
And Arthur got a job.
By the way, Arthur's been fired.
My father bought that store.
lt's going to be very difficult
for him to find a job anywhere...
with my father around.
You see, Daddy doesn't know
the meaning of the word ''surrender.''
Yeah.
l'm sure the word ''decency''
would stump him, too.
Linda, let's get to the bottom line.
Arthur can't survive without the money.
Money is like air to him.
He needs it to breathe.
-He's dying, Linda.
-Just a minute.
What makes you think
you can walk in here...
and talk about my family like that?
You have no idea what Arthur needs...
what will make him happy.
You just care about what you want.
What's good for you.
You people think you can buy everything.
You can't buy me,
and my husband's not for sale.
Now, this conversation is over.
There's the door, or l can throw you
out the window. lt's up to you.
And another thing.
We both know that being a father
would be wonderful for Arthur.
lt would give him the kind of stability
he so desperately needs...
and it would give him an heir.
l have heard about your...problem.
-What problem?
-l can have children.
l'm as fertile as the Napa Valley.
lf you love Arthur, and l believe you do...
then l know you'll do what's best for him.
l've got to run. Let's have lunch sometime.
Uptown.
Arthur.
Who needed that job anyway?
l can't believe that man complained
about that lovely new key.
Hi, Mr. Butterworth. How are you?
Very fine, thank you.
l'll have a drink, thank you.
Hello, Mr. Butterworth. How are you?
-What are you doing?
-Changing the lock.
-Why? Where's Linda?
-She's gone.
-What you mean she's gone?
-Canceled the lease.
Canceled the lease?
Here. She left you this.
Read it out loud. The radio's broken.
Bloody.
''Dearest Arthur.''
That's a good start.
''l can't stay anymore.
''l realize now...
''that Johnson will never give up.
''l can't bear to see you suffer like this.
''l know it's because of me.''
lt's not because....
''l've never been very good at good-byes...
''Arthur...
''so l'll just say that l love you
and adore you...
''and l always will.
''Linda.''
Sort of goes downhill, doesn't it?
Come on, Ralph. l know she's in there.
Just let me talk to her.
l'm not here.
She's not here.
Just tell him to go away.
She says go away.
How can she say go away
if she's not there?
l'd ask her, but she's not here.
God.
Arthur, take care of yourself.
Beautiful. Good.
The brother-in-law's over with the dog.
She sends my own kid over to me
to ask me for money for them.
So l say, ''Give me a break.
l'm out of work.''
You in the coat.
-What?
-Don't l know you?
No.
Yeah, l know you.
Yeah. Hi, how are you?
l know this guy. We go back a long time.
l know this guy.
l know you.
l delivered some stuff to your house.
l hope l tipped you.
Yeah, sure. He's funny.
-You used to have a butler.
-Fairchild.
He used to come in,
and he would take his pulse...
and put mirrors under his nose and shit...
to see if he was still breathing.
-You were terrific. You were funny.
-Nice guy, Fairchild.
This is nice.
So you had money or something?
You were rich?
Yeah. Very rich. $750 million.
And this was back when $750 million
was considered a lot of money.
Yeah.
l used to buy a new couch every week
to match the TV Guide.
l'm dying here.
l was rolling in it.
l used to buy a new couch every week
to match the TV Guide.
You heard that one before?
What happened? l don't understand.
l lost it all.
-$750 million.
-Jesus.
l just don't know where it is.
l've looked everywhere. Under the couch,
behind the refrigerator.
Didn't l tell you? The guy is funny.
Tell them what you told me
about the half-inch pipe.
Yeah. Fabricated half-inch pipe.
What was the tool
that you used with that?
-Fabricated half-inch--
-What kind of tool?
-Yeah, what kind of tool?
-You need a ratchet.
-What do you know about pipes?
-l used to do toilets.
-What kind of tool was it?
-You take both hands and grab it.
lt's time for me
to shout ''Europe'' at the sink.
-Shout what?
-Shout ''Europe'' at the sink.
''Europe'' who?
You're up.
-l'm dying. Doesn't he kill you?
-Where did you find this guy?
Play something.
Sit down!
Have l got time, l ask myself.
Hold on. All right.
Where is my fabricated half-inch pipe?
Give me my fabricated half-inch pipe
Please give me that old
fabricated half-inch pipe
And l'll beat the crap out of you
l'll beat the crap out of you!
He's beautiful.
You got two burgers and a lunch special
and fries coming up, okay?
-Coffee.
-ls this decaf?
No. Did you ask for decaf?
l asked you twice for decaf.
ls that a problem here?
A little water would be nice, too,
if you're not busy.
-You want to fight?
-No.
l just can't drink this stuff, gives me gas.
Sorry to hear that.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
-Anything l can do for you?
-No, honey. l'm fine.
Honey. Where's my hamburger?
l honestly don't know.
''l've never been very good at good-byes...
''Arthur...
''so l'll just say that l love you...
''and adore you...
''and always will.
''Linda.''
Man, l'm tired of hearing you
read that stuff.
Ain't you got anything else to do?
''Dearest Arthur...
''l can't stay anymore.''
Frank. Let me tell you something.
Hi.
-Want a drink?
-Thank you. ln a moment.
''Dearest Arthur...
''l can't stay anymore.
''l....''
-What are you doing?
-lt's my car. l saw it first.
You've been copping all my business.
You take a walk!
l'll take the yellow car.
Nicer class of person altogether.
-Get out of here. Get a job.
-l got a job. l had one.
The cash register wouldn't open.
Nice type of person. Let's have lunch!
There's nothing like being
in the middle of the road.
Big car. Lovely.
Mr. Bach.
Bitterman! How the hell are you?
Sir, is that you? What are you doing here?
They said l'd never make it, Bitterman.
They said the city would eat me alive.
Now look at me. l have my own pail.
l have my own squeegee sponge.
l showed them all.
Sir, can l give you some help?
No, l don't need any help.
l've washed windshields
10 times dirtier than this.
Martha !
-Arthur, what are you doing?
-l was just washing--
Are you going to marry
Susan Johnson or not?
Listen, l told you l can't.
You don't seem to--
Get the thing out of my face.
l'm sorry.
Enough is enough, Arthur. Marry the bitch.
You marry her, Martha !
Holy....
Of course, my family, the Bach family,
owns about 40% .
Exactly 40% .
We each own 40% .
And then, of course, Mr. Johnson...
old clever dick...
he bought up
the controlling interest, 20% ...
because he wants me to marry Susan,
but l don't love Susan.
Right. l don't want to talk about it.
You're quite right.
Then Mrs. Canby....
Mrs. Canby said l needed a job.
But the cash register would not open.
Yeah. Absolutely.
lt was a very quiet cash register.
Very, very quiet.
Then Linda left me a note.
l've got it. lt's not too long.
l'll read it to you.
Hello, Arthur.
Hob....
Yes, very well put.
Brevity is the soul of wit.
Hobson?
-But you're....
-Dead.
Yes, l am dead.
How tactful of you to mention it.
Our little conversation is off
to a most auspicious start.
So this is....
What? A dream?
A dream? Perhaps.
My money would be on a drunken stupor.
What can l do, Hobson?
l mean, what would you do
if you were me?
The word ''bathe'' comes to mind.
l was sorry to hear
about you and Linda, Arthur.
-A wife like that is hard to find.
-Still is.
Come on, Hobson. lt's a joke.
What's the matter,
you don't get it, Hobson?
Well, of course,
the crematorium fried your brain.
l keep forgetting you don't have
a sense of humor anymore.
-Come on, fellow. Let's move along.
-All right.
God, l've missed you, Hobson.
-l've never been far.
-Yeah. l've felt that.
l've had my eye on you, Arthur.
You cannot imagine how proud l've been...
watching you rooting through
garbage cans...
searching out discarded McNugget boxes.
-You saw that.
-Yes.
lf projectile vomiting
ever becomes an Olympic event...
you'll do your country proud.
l'm trying, you know.
Yesterday l sold some blood at a hospital.
Hospital?
l should have thought a local distillery
would have paid you much more.
How have l gotten along
without you, Hobson?
-Obviously not very well.
-l wouldn't say that, Hobson.
l love the circus.
Remember you used to bring me here
every year, Hobson?
l used to try and run up to all the clowns
and squeeze their noses.
After the age of 30,
it becomes a bit embarrassing.
Really? Did l embarrass you, Hobson?
Only every waking moment.
Why do women wear so much makeup?
l find it so unappealing.
What do you think, Hobson?
l think l've come just in time.
Get out and stay out!
l better not catch you here again.
-lsn't this where Miss Johnson lives?
-That's right.
-So you're giving up.
-Absolutely.
Absolutely. l'm giving up.
l'm cutting my losses. l'm quitting.
Of course you are.
Why break with tradition?
May l help you?
Yeah. Yes.
ls Susan Johnson in?
l've come to marry the bitch.
ls Miss Johnson a friend of yours?
That's a most perceptive question.
Cuts right to the heart of the matter,
doesn't it, Arthur?
Yeah.
You're right. She's no friend of mine.
What am l doing here?
She isn't even a friend of mine,
and l'm thinking of marrying her?
God. Thank you.
Thank you both. You two were terrific.
Honestly, this was better
than 20 years in therapy.
Thank you so much.
You ought to have your own TV show...
or at the very least
not have to wear that hat.
Come on, Hobson. God, l nearly....
Can you believe that?
l almost went in there
and asked her to marry me.
Arthur. Wake up, Arthur.
Plenty of time to sleep later.
What a delightful place.
How nice of them to let you in
without a reservation.
Kicking the bucket
hasn't changed you a bit, has it?
You! Could you keep it down?
lf you don't mind, l'm talking
to my butler whom l haven't seen...
since he passed away five years ago.
Yeah, l'm playing blackjack
with Uncle Rudy who died in 1956.
But at least he has the decency
to keep quiet.
Okay, Uncle Rudy, hit me.
What does that tell you?
Hit me!
-Maybe we should go somewhere else.
-Yes.
lf possible, somewhere upwind.
-God. Look at me, Hobson.
-No, thank you.
You can get us out, right?
l'm not on salary anymore, Arthur.
You're on your own.
The fact is, l've got to leave you shortly.
They only gave me a half day.
No, Hobson! No, you can't.
You're all l've got. l've lost Linda...
l've lost all the money.
l'm a drowning man, Hobson.
l wish l were dead. No offense.
None taken.
You spoiled little shit.
You thought your life
was going to be one big party, didn't you?
Now you know. Parties don't last forever.
l don't want you to end up here, Arthur...
sleeping alone,
playing blackjack with Uncle Rudy.
l can't bear that.
l've told you before
you can do anything with your life...
that you want to.
Stop your drinking, Arthur.
Why should l bother?
Give me one good reason.
l've seen your son.
-You've seen....
-He's a splendid boy, wonderful.
Bright blue eyes.
He smiles all the time.
l like him, Arthur. You will, too.
Old man, you're not playing fair.
l've told him all about you, Arthur...
but he wants to meet you all the same.
lt's up to you, Arthur.
lt always has been.
-Blackjack.
-What?
l said, ''blackjack.''
Come on, Martha, shake and move!
Move it!
Shake those buns! Shake those bones!
Move it! Get the arms going!
Martha.
-Martha, l have to talk to you.
-Arthur, l'm in the middle of a workout.
-l understand that--
-lt's okay, Martha.
Why don't we take a break?
You look a little bit tired.
l'll be in the next room if you want me.
Of course l want him...
but it would probably kill me.
Arthur, what's happened to you?
You've changed. Are you taller?
l feel taller, Martha.
Unless, of course, you're shrinking.
You know, a few years ago,
Linda bought a scrapbook.
And she wanted
a picture of me and my father.
Now, l looked everywhere...
and l couldn't find one.
Not one of us together, you know.
We never did anything together.
We never shared anything.
Now l know l can do better, Martha,
l know that now.
l can be a better father than he was.
But l can't do anything.
l am paralyzed...
as long as Burt Johnson is on my back.
But, Arthur, l've told you before.
l can't do anything to help you.
-Martha, there must be--
-But if l were you...
and 30 years younger...
l'd try to find a man called...
Noah Curtis.
He and Burt Johnson
used to be partners in business.
Then they had some sort of a falling-out.
lf Johnson has a skeleton in his closet,
Curtis would know.
Noah Curtis, Martha?
Thank you.
Mr. Bach?
l am Noah Curtis' son.
My father died last year.
After what Burt Johnson did to him...
l'll do anything to help nail that thief.
Here's a list of names of people
involved in that deal.
Thank you. l guess
you'd be in a lot of trouble...
if they knew what you were doing.
No, not really.
Then why did you want to meet me here?
l park my car right over there.
Can l give you a lift somewhere?
-No. Thank you very much.
-Bye.
You made it.
You got the stuff?
l used to live at the Waldorf-Astoria
till Burt Johnson did this to me.
l've been waiting for years...
for somebody with enough guts
to take him on.
Here it is.
Good luck.
Thank you.
Look at the beautiful skyline.
Your name, sir?
Name? Roger Basinforth Cummings lll.
l'm sorry, buddy.
This is a private Christmas party.
-Merry Christmas to you, though.
-Merry Christmas.
Neil, Pat.
-l can't believe you came in from Texas.
-We're happy to be here.
-You've lost some weight.
-About 20 pounds.
Robin, how are you?
Thank you. Same to you.
Mr. Johnson, it's a wonderful party!
How are you? You're looking beautiful.
Thank you. You look pretty good yourself.
-Daddy.
-Sunshine girl.
-You did a beautiful job.
-Thank you. l'm glad you like it.
We have so many friends.
Burt, how the hell are you? You look great.
Arthur, what are you doing here?
l brought you a gift, Burt.
ls there somewhere we can talk?
l think so. You follow me.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
So you've finally come to your senses.
We'll resolve this quickly.
Then you can get a shave, clean up,
and join the party.
lt must have been awful out there,
alone in the cold.
l was out there in the cold,
but l wasn't alone.
-Arthur.
-Susan.
l knew you'd come.
l don't think l've ever seen you
while l'm sober.
You have a very beautiful face
when it isn't going in and out of focus.
-Now Arthur says he has a gift for me.
-What is it, Arthur?
lt's a little gift you might not like.
The Carlyle-Swinson buyout.
The fraud, the extortion, it's all here.
l've got Earl Swinson's notes...
financial records, everything.
Have a read. You might love it.
My, my, my.
That's very interesting.
You've certainly done your homework.
l don't want to send you to jail.
l just want what's mine...
plus a couple more of those
hors d'oeuvres, which are scrumptious.
Arthur, what's this all about?
Sunshine, don't you worry about anything.
Why don't you rejoin the party?
No. l think l'll stay.
Burt, we're waiting for you
to make the big toast.
Frankie, Morty, come on in here.
l want you to meet Arthur Bach,
Stanford's boy.
-The asshole?
-That's right.
Arthur has just told me
a very amusing story.
By the way, these gentlemen
are on my board of directors...
so why don't you just tell them
what you told me.
There was fraud...
committed by Mr. Johnson.
Now Arthur barges in here
and confronts me with evidence...
about the Carlyle-Swinson buyout.
Now, would you believe it?
What was that, 20 years ago?
l remember it. That was brilliant, Burt.
You floated 10,000 shares of stock
that never existed.
The Securities and Exchange Commission
never suspected a thing.
He can't be prosecuted for that.
The statute of limitations has run out.
Arthur, l think you could use a drink.
No, thanks. l don't drink.
Who said that?
All right.
Now, let's cut all this nonsense out.
When are we gonna set a date
for this wedding?
There's not going to be a wedding.
Don't you understand?
You're not going to screw up my family
the same way you screwed up yours.
l want my life back.
l want Linda. l want my son.
Arthur. You've killed him !
-Burt, are you all right?
-That concludes our presentation.
Thank you so much for coming.
Please drive carefully.
Come on, Burt. You're not hurt.
Give him back his money.
Arthur and l aren't right for each other.
l can see that now.
l'll show you something else
you can see right now.
-Wait!
-l should have killed you.
-l should have done it six years ago.
-Daddy, no.
-ls that a gun? That looks like--
-l'm tired of your crap, young man.
You two lovebirds are getting married.
-Got a tuxedo or want me to rent one?
-Daddy, put that thing away.
He hit me. Did you see him?
Nobody does that to me.
Okay, nobody yell ''pull.''
Daddy, he doesn't love me. lt's over.
Put that thing away.
Don't make me tell Mom about your
weekend ''business trips'' to Florida.
-You wouldn't.
-l would.
She would.
You can have the money. l don't care.
We'll keep all this
between ourselves, right, sunshine?
-Gentlemen, drinks are on me.
-He really is an asshole.
Come on, Arthur. l'll show you out.
-Thank you for in there.
-You're welcome.
-You know, it felt pretty good.
-Yeah.
You know, Susan, all in all...
this has probably been
our most successful date ever.
-You going to be all right?
-l think so.
Yeah. l think so, too.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
Wow! Look at this.
Cool.
-This is it, Bitterman.
-Now's the time.
Come on!
Great.
Nice car. Whose is it?
Arthur, you got everything back!
How did you do it?
l'll tell you later.
Right now, there's something
l've got to know.
-What?
-Who sent you all this crap?
Arthur, l missed you so much.
Hello there.
Mrs. Canby.
Arthur.
He's beautiful.
You've got the beautiful part right,
but it's not a ''he.''
What? A girl? Are you sure?
Honey, when a baby's born,
there's a visual test they do...
that's usually pretty accurate.
l know. lt's just that...
somebody l know had predicted a son.
-What, honey?
-l'm pregnant.
Mrs. Canby! Anybody else?
Bitterman.
Take me and my one, two,
l can't stand it...
my family home.
Surprise!
Hello. Arthur....
Hello, Maria. How are you?
lt's nice to see you.
Hi, Maria. How are you?
Nice to see you again.
-Farnsworth, how are you?
-Welcome home, sir.
-Greta, l've got something for you.
-Two, sir?
-We'll explain later, Greta.
-Welcome home, sir.
Ames. Nice to see you.
Well done, Fairchild.
Thank you, sir.
Welcome home, sir. l missed you.
l've missed you, too, Fairchild.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, sir.
-Merry Christmas Fairchild.
-Merry Christmas, madam.
She's beautiful.
-Sir, would you care to smell my rose?
-Of course. lt's lovely.
Fairchild!
Fairchild, you did well. She likes it.
That's ridiculous.
Fairchild, get upstairs and pack your bags.
-Sir?
-God.
Come on, Fairchild. l mean it.
Upstairs. Pack your things.
Yes, sir.
-Arthur, honey, don't you think--
-Linda, this is between me and Fairchild.
-Yes, but Arthur--
-l'll handle it.
All right.
-ls that everything?
-What? Yes, sir.
Fine. Follow me.
Sir, that's Hobson's room.
lf Hobson should drop in...
you get the couch.
Excellent!
What did he say?
You should have seen his face.
-Here we are.
-Hello, my darling.
Why am l talking like this?
Come on, angel. Come on, princess.
There you go.
English