Arthur (2011) Movie Script

Cheers.
Bitterman?
Why are you shaving?
Because Robin doesn't have a beard.
Bitterman, we're only doing this
for a bit of a laugh.
We're not genuine crime fighters, are we?
And if we were, you would not be
my first choice of sidekick.
Look at your shoes.
They're your chauffeur shoes, aren't they?
I can see your tummy.
Mr. Bach, are you sure you wanna go
to your mother's fundraiser like this?
I think it's black-tie.
This is black.
Just that Hobson said
not to get into any trouble.
What trouble could possibly come
from a harmless game of dress-up?
Hmm?
Already bought the car.
You think they're chasing us?
Don't be ridiculous, this is the Batmobile.
We're their friends.
Driver, pull the car over.
How do you slow down?
- Where are the brakes on this thing?
What do you suppose this does?
Oh!
Ow!
Ask the police for directions
to your mother's fundraiser.
I think that problem
has been recently superseded.
Tell them it's at a museum.
We destroyed a beloved landmark.
It's around here somewhere.
I need you to not to talk for a little while.
Good evening, officers.
What seems to be the problem?
You're drunk again, Arthur.
No. I have remained drunk
since our last encounter.
Let's go. Batman and Robin,
out of the car. Come on.
Could I just point out
the elephant in the room?
Are these testicles strictly necessary?
They're an accident waiting to happen.
Okay, let's go. Come on.
See, I don't like being this close
to these balls.
I'll be right with you.
Gotham is safe.
Oh, man.
If I could just write you a check
for the damage to your golden cow...
...we can all be about our business.
Say no more.
- Or not. Turn around. Come on.
What's it?
- Are we going to prison?
Yes.
We're going to prison.
We're going to prison, Bitterman.
Yes.
- I knew this day would come and it's today.
That's all well and good...
...but it's not a market crash
we're concerned about.
Your concerns are legitimate, chancellor.
I do assure you that Arthur's
a bit more serious these days.
- He's begun to take an interest in finance.
- Wonderful.
- Could you excuse us?
- Sure.
I'm sorry, Vivienne. The university
cannot wager its endowment...
...on a fund
with such an uncertain future.
He's like a ship without an anchor.
Maybe it's time we tied him
to another ship.
Tito! Tito, I'll see you at the cockfight.
Better be what I think it is.
Wow, you paid for everyone's release?
It seemed unfair that we'd leave
and that they'd remain.
How do you explain
this frivolous spending during a recession?
Fair point.
Uh, recession...
Free money!
This is yours.
Okay, recession's over! We're in a boom!
That was brave.
What incredible flexibility.
- Hello, Hobson.
- Morning, Arthur. And friend.
Tiffany.
Oh, points for knowing her name
and saying it with confidence.
I made a mental association
with my lamp.
Tiffany, this is my nanny, Hobson,
my best friend in the whole world.
- Your nanny?
- He's merely shaped like an adult.
So how are you feeling
on the other side of...
...that vast moat of champagne
called "last night"?
Splendid.
Your mother called.
She wants to see you this morning.
Vivienne? Why do you think
Vivienne wants to see me today?
It doesn't make sense.
After destroying
a world-famous landmark...
...and giving away $78,000
from an ATM, I can't imagine.
- Is she gonna stay here?
Um...
...I wouldn't recommend letting him
get used to your breasts, dear.
He's got an addictive personality,
you know. He was at mine till he was 6.
Hobson.
I had to dab Tabasco on the nipples
to see him off.
- That lady has never once breast-fed me.
- Despite his best efforts.
Hey, that's my purse.
Oh.
Look, I don't know how that
got in there. I don't know, Arthur.
It's probably just one of those mysteries
that will never be discovered.
JFK, who nicked my watch.
- Oh, that's actually mine.
- Bravo, well done.
Something of yours in your handbag.
No, you don't have to
go through the pictures, actually.
Arthur.
Oh, don't worry about all that.
That's very rude. Invasion of privacy.
Oh, you're leaving?
I support your decision 100 percent.
Will you be requiring a taxi
or just getting into a random passing car?
You guys are weird and racist.
Bye-bye, Tiffany.
I'll call you,
if you've not stolen my phone.
Help yourself to that priceless sculpture
on your way out the door.
Put it down.
Say goodbye
to your other new friends now, Arthur.
They have to go back to the real world.
Oh, I hate the real world, Hobson. I'll work
from bed today if you don't mind.
Hobson.
Breakfast, now.
Here.
Hobson!
Hobson?
Hobson! Hobson! Hobson!
- Hobson! Hobson!
- What?
Lesbian Simon and Garfunkel,
Look.
Hmm. Well spotted.
Another of your wasted talents.
Wash your winkie. Thoroughly.
Heaven knows what exotic wildlife
that girl was harboring between her thighs.
Whoa, Hobson. You're missing Asian you.
Ah! You're going too quickly.
You're pushing it too hard.
- I don't like it here, Hobson.
- Course you don't. People work here.
But there's an elevator.
You get to press the buttons.
Silver lining.
Mr. Bach?
Your mother will see you now.
Don't worry, Arthur, it won't take long.
Then we'll watch cartoons.
Hello, Arthur.
Oh, hello, Susan.
I didn't see you there coming down this
long, brightly-lit, unobstructed corridor...
...walking straight towards me.
I owe you a call, don't I?
From January.
We dated three months.
You just disappeared.
When Houdini did it, it was fun.
Hmm.
Houdini was a conjurer.
He used to disappear.
- I understood the reference.
- I just thought it deserved more.
You know, you're the only man
I ever slept with who broke up with me.
- Really?
- Really.
Well, call me a romantic...
...but I believe
that dating should involve crazy things...
...like talking.
- Oh, ha, ha.
- What are we gonna do with you, Arthur?
- Release me into the wild.
Hunt me down with dogs.
Good luck with your mother.
Come in, Arthur.
Oh, hello. The future's now.
Hello, Vivienne. I remember you
from when I used to live in your womb.
Arthur.
Well, today, Arthur,
we're gonna have a friendly chat.
Then a serious talk.
And finally,
I'm going to offer you an ultimatum.
How does all that sound?
Like it would be improved by vodka.
So I hear you've been having fun.
Quite the contrary, actually.
I've been rather busy.
I've got a riding boot shoot and, uh,
I had a bit of a scare with Bitterman.
Thought he'd found a lump. Turned out
it was just his phone in his back pocket.
But worrying time nonetheless.
Well, that went very well.
Surprisingly warm. Our best chat yet.
I'm aware that our relationship
has never been ideal.
Mm...
No, please. Don't reproach yourself.
Yes, motherhood wasn't your forte...
...but you did provide me with
that lovable cloth monkey as a surrogate.
You know, sometimes I'm glad he's gone.
I'm gonna assume you mean Father
and not Mr. Tickles.
So that he never had to see this.
In fairness,
those two told me they were over 18.
And that they weren't men.
It's terrible the way you find out.
Who is this lovable rogue who's rough
around the edges, but with stars in his eyes?
What forgivable antics.
Who could be anything other than charmed
by this delightful individual?
- Congratulations.
- How can you squander...
...your considerable intelligence
on idiocy like this?
It's quite easy.
I don't consider it to be idiocy...
...rather a savantish gift
for defying death with fun.
That's your justification?
That's why you crashed a Batmobile?
Yes, it is. Are we done?
Sit down.
When the sole heir of a corporation as big
as ours gets arrested, it frightens investors.
The nonsense has to stop.
As the charming, coffee-colored gentleman
who runs this country said...
...the time has come
to set aside childish things.
I don't think
you can say "coffee-colored. "
So I've arrived at a solution.
- Susan Johnson.
- Interesting.
Dresses well.
Borderline personality disorder.
How is that a solution?
You're going to marry her, Arthur.
- Why?
- Susan is a very impressive woman.
Lovely, yes.
She's certainly in control of that beast.
Capable woman, and quite willing to help
poor people if there's a camera nearby.
Actually, if you want videos of Susan,
you should come to my apartment.
- I've got one that'll knock your socks off.
- Bach Worldwide has been run...
...by a Bach for generations.
With Susan as one of us...
...investors will be comforted to know the
line of succession doesn't end in a bottle.
When did you become so cynical?
Marriage isn't a tool
to protect a corporate image.
It's to validate unwanted pregnancy.
If that's how you feel, Arthur,
you give me no choice.
As of this moment, you are cut off.
What do you mean "cut off"?
Cut off from you and the?
You don't mean cut off from the?
The money, Arthur.
No. I'm not gonna allow you
to manipulate me, Vivienne.
I shall get married when I fall in love.
I respect your integrity.
You've just lost $950 million.
Actually, Susan is a very special girl,
isn't she?
With that mouth,
that velvety, beautiful mouth...
...like a clown's mouth.
But not in a bad way.
Like a sexy clown.
And she'll make a wonderful wife.
Yeah. I mean,
who wouldn't wanna marry a sexy clown?
Congratulations, Vivienne. You win.
I don't respect you, Arthur...
...but I do applaud your talent
for self-preservation.
Congratulations. You're gonna be
a wealthy man for the rest of your life.
That's all I've ever wanted to be.
The ring your father
gave your mother, I believe.
It's like an ice rink for a mouse.
I don't like Susan.
Well, I don't like you very much and we've
been happily stuck together for 30 years.
I know it's not perfect,
but Susan is smart and capable...
...and you need a woman like that
to look after you.
I think I already have one of those.
In fact, do you want it?
Hobson, will you carry on
being my nanny?
This is just my mother
trying to control me.
Hey, Hobson, do you have the checkbook?
I wanna squander some wealth.
Ten thousand dollars
for this item from the czar's collection.
Are we all done at 10,000? Ten thousand
dollars going once, going twice.
Twenty thousand dollars of money!
Twenty thousand dollars is the bid.
Thank you, sir. Do I hear 30?
Do I hear 30,000?
Thirty thousand dollars, please.
Thirty thousand.
Thirty-five thousand.
How dare you.
It's a challenge you want, is it?
Yeah, I want a challenge, plus I bid first.
That is irrelevant.
The highest number has supremacy.
You've clearly never been to an auction.
That's tit for tat.
That's exactly how the situation
in the Middle East began.
You leave me no choice.
One hundred thousand dollars
and one penny...
...because you, sir, are a vile spendthrift.
Well, that's the first sensible thing
you've said all day.
Sold to one of the Mr. Bachs
for $100,000 and one penny.
- Thank you, sirs.
Congratulations.
Hey, come on, Hobson.
You know I've always coveted
the cutlery of Czar Nicholas II.
- Me too.
Oh.
Our last item up for bid today:
The suit in which Abraham Lincoln
delivered his second inaugural address.
Let's start the bidding at 50,000.
Do I hear 50,000?
I'll take it.
And the teleportation
device in which it stands.
If you think this represents a victory
over your mother's financial tyranny...
...you're deluded.
- Thanks for the spoon, Arthur.
- Anytime. Buy me a fork one day.
- Where's Bitterman with the car?
He said he was gonna be
by the big gray thing.
- Where?
- He said...
...the big gray sculpture thing
with things on it.
It was like a riddle.
He can be very vague.
It's the blind leading the drunk.
Hobson, you find Bitterman
while I wander off.
Wow.
What is this for?
Where's everyone going?
NAOMl: This is actually not Grand Central
Station, it's Grand Central Terminal.
- Oh.
- Oh!
- Sorry.
- No, no, I was static in a thoroughfare.
Uh, I'm lost. Do you know where I can get
a drink, please?
Um...
This is really all I have.
Good luck.
- Come on.
- Coins.
- I played with these when I was a boy.
NAOMl: Let's keep going. Time's a wasting.
Speaking of time...
...the clock behind me is one of the
most expensive clocks in the world.
NAOMl: Thousands of people
pass through here every day...
...and no one ever bothers to look up.
It's magical. It's the only place
in Manhattan where you can see the stars.
But it wasn't always that way...
Oh, you again.
If you look in the corner you can see
one dirty brick...
...and the whole ceiling used to be
like that until it was renovated in 1998.
Wow, this is brilliant. If you like ceilings,
I've got a beautiful one above my bed.
That sounded cheeky.
I didn't mean that. It lights up.
Thanks for that.
If you direct your attention to the
opposite corner, you'll see a...
...police officer.
- Miss, I warned you about this.
You don't have a tour license
and now you're impeding foot traffic.
Come on, up, up, everybody up.
Officer, which law prevents
this radiant stranger...
...from finding the magical
in the mundane?
- MTA Code 1085.1, Section 5.
- Could you be more specific?
Hey. Hey!
- Oh, there's a chase. We're in a chase.
Sir, grab my Lincoln stick.
Chase!
My mind is racing. My heart is pounding.
This is my first chase, and I love it.
- Let me through, I'm a free spirit!
West on 42nd.
This is what I live for!
We've got a runner.
A chase is happening!
This is a genuine chase!
Oh! I'm... I...
- No, no, no.
- I was gonna go get my license.
You ran from me, Naomi.
Now I gotta take you in.
Besides, you've had three warnings
for operating an illegal tour.
Except this isn't an illegal tour...
...because these people aren't tourists,
they're our family.
Yes. They are, they're my family.
That's my family.
We're having a family reunion.
Reunion. Uh, that, for example,
is Uncle Stuart waving there.
NAOMl:
Yes. Oh, hey, Uncle Stuart.
Under that sun hat,
that's Caribbean Diane Keaton.
- Yes, exactly.
- And also we have...
NAOMl:
Uncle Korean John Lennon.
And this is, uh, Abe Lincoln, I presume.
- Oh, no.
No.
- He is my admittedly eccentric...
- Fianc. I'm her fianc.
He is my fianc.
NAOMl:
Oh. Mm-hm.
Darling, you don't want
these people to think...
...that you're some kind of
random British pervert.
No, I'm a very specific British pervert,
which is why you fell in love with me...
...from our first date.
- Which was where, exactly?
Grand Central.
You had your first date
at Grand Central Station.
It wasn't a shabby affair. I'd hired
out the entire place. It was deserted.
Acrobats were in the place,
put on quite a show for us.
- Didn't they, Naomi?
- No, no.
The floor was strewn
with a million petals.
Their scent hung in the air
like the sweet breath of angels.
And we forgot ourselves entirely.
Didn't we?
And ran nude through that concourse.
No, no, we just...
We had clothes on and we ate.
- What'd you eat?
NAOMl: Oh.
Oh, what was that?
NAOMl: Pe...
Pe... Pe... Pe...
PEZ.
Have any identification, Mr. Lincoln?
Actually, I do.
Um, here you go. I think you'll find that
should do the trick.
There's plenty more where that
came from, if you catch my drift, hmm?
Ah. You keep it, Arthur,
and thank you for the show.
- Naomi, get a license. Good luck.
NAOMl: Okay.
What was that? Who are you?
I'm just a ragged-trousered stranger
with a crazy hat.
Oh, my God.
Arthur, your safari into the pointless
ends now. Get in the car.
No. It's okay.
Uh, Hobson can't tell me what to do.
Yes, I can. I work for his mother.
Get in the car. Bitterman, open the door.
Bitterman, close that door.
- Get in the car.
- Not you, Bitterman.
Yes, you, Bitterman.
I'm sorry. Who are you people?
I'm his nanny.
I'm not, I'm Bitterman.
Well, I have to get back to our confused
family over there, so have a nice day.
Oh, hang... Uh, excuse me.
Naomi Quinn,
I'd like to see you again.
- I don't date boys who have nannies.
Very wise choice.
You're not the first woman
who walks the streets for a living...
...that he's taken a liking to.
Is she always with you?
Okay. 917-176-2030.
- Uh... Did you remember that?
- No.
Arthur, get in the car.
I'm gonna get in the car now, but because
I want to, not because you have told me to.
Distinction.
Bitterman.
It was magical. We ran
from the police, then we lied to them.
- Have you ever had days like that, Evander?
I believe I have.
Me and this girl are two perfectly matched
opponents, like you and Mike Tyson.
- She could be the one.
Yes.
Oh. I'm so sorry. That went
right through your guard.
- Are you okay?
- I'll make it.
What I like about her, Naomi...
...is she's got a very unique way
of seeing the world.
So do flies.
This is a repeat of when you were certain
you needed a pet giraffe to be happy.
- Well, you were bored after a week.
- Because he ate his monocle.
The brute had no regard
for fashion, Evander.
No, because you were from two
different worlds, the same as this girl.
Listen, could you just let me focus
on my jab and refresh me, please?
- Aah! That's vodka in there.
- Refreshed?
No, but I think some of it probably went
in my bloodstream so it's not all bad news.
- Get dressed.
- Why?
Because at 3:00
you're going to ask Burt Johnson...
...for his daughter's hand in marriage.
I will do no such thing. I'm going to
remain here and box with Evander.
And then I shall have my music lesson
with Kanye West as planned.
Out, now.
Make me.
I'll just have a bit of fun with her.
Use the old rope-a-dope,
I should think.
- Stick and move, like you taught me.
- Arthur, after you're married...
...you're going to have to stop this
obsession with random women.
She is not a random woman,
she understands me.
She laughs at my jokes. She's like you, but
with a more appropriate potential for sex.
Ow! That really hurt. Evander,
you assured me I was indestructible.
Burt Johnson, 3:00.
Evander, if he's not out of this ring
in one minute, I'll bite your other ear off.
What am I doing here, Bitterman?
Uh, you asked me to drive you
to the Burt Johnson Tower.
- But if you were me...
- I would like that very much.
That's very flattering.
But if you were me
and you were in this situation...
...what would you do? What should I say?
Uh, I'd go in there and say, um,
"Mr. Johnson, I like your tower.
But I love your daughter. "
- But I don't love his daughter.
- Don't say that, because then he'll say no.
You've been very helpful.
Put this on. Wait here.
It's the same as your one.
"BJ," I'll never get tired of that.
Woo-hoo, Bitterman!
Bloody hell.
It's an apocalyptic future.
The Upper East Side lay
in absolute ruin.
The machines have taken over, as usual.
Ah, malevolent toaster.
Only one man can save civilization.
And that man is Arthur Bach.
Justice!
Hello, Arthur.
- Uh, sorry, I've never used...
- Never used what, Arthur?
One of these guns what makes nails
come out of it.
Oh, the Grip-Rite GR 350.
It's a good gun.
It's lovely, isn't it?
It's also one of my favorites.
Do you know you've got nails sticking
in you?
Framing nails.
Standard.
Well, I love what
you've done with the place, Burt.
It reminds me of a gay club
I went to once in Copenhagen.
This is gonna be my new office.
Oh, my God. I live right over there.
I can see my living room, Burt.
That's interesting.
And frightening.
Did you put this building here just
so you can spy on me?
Mm-hm.
Shouldn't you be getting
to the hospital?
If I ran off to the hospital every
time I got a little boo-boo...
Yeah. What's a nail through the body?
Made a hero out of Jesus.
Uh, Burt, I'm starting to feel
a bit queasy.
Let's cut the bullshit, Arthur.
I'm from Pittsburgh...
...and now I own skyscrapers.
Unlike you, I wasn't given my billions.
I took them.
But you know...
...I'm actually fine
with my little girl marrying you.
Do you know why?
Because you've lost a lot of blood
and you're disoriented?
My little Susan can turn you around.
You know, she once bought a crack house
and turned it into a condo.
That's funny,
I once did the exact opposite.
Now, you listen to me carefully. I need
to trust that you'll do what she says.
- Yes.
- Table saw.
Most dangerous piece of equipment
on a job site.
Hands five inches on either
side of the blade and you'll be fine.
- No, I don't like things like this.
- Come on. You can do it.
No... Just, uh... Just push it through.
I did it, Burt! I did a man thing!
That was incredible.
- Let's saw something else in half.
- How about your finger?
My finger?
It's okay, the saw has a safety
device. It detects moisture.
Anything containing moisture touches
that blade, and bam, it'll stop.
That sounds a little bit risky
to me, Burt.
Use your tongue.
- My tongue?
- Plenty of moisture in your tongue.
Oh, no. I don't think
I should do that, Burt.
I think I'd like to go back over there
now to house.
- No, Burt! What are you doing?
- Lick the saw!
No, Burt.
You've taken leave of your senses.
You need to stick out your tongue
or it won't sense the moisture.
I want my nanny.
Mr. Johnson,
a very wise man once said:
"I like your tower,
but I love your daughter. "
Can I marry her, please?
Sure.
Pascal, I'm gonna have the veal.
Excellent choice.
Could you tell Jerome, please,
that it was a little dry last time?
I will see to it.
- Thank you.
For you, sir?
- Just a caldron of tequila and a spoon.
I hear you have something to ask me.
Yeah, I do, as a matter of fact, Susan.
Would you mind telling me what
the bloody hell's been going on?
We're having a magical night.
I don't understand.
You don't understand
that there's a macabre conspiracy...
...to inveigle me into a loveless marriage.
Susan, we...
- "Loveless marriage. "
- We should not get married.
We don't have anything in common,
do we?
I mean, we don't like the same food.
Veal? I think that's really cruel.
Do you like it because it's cruel?
We don't like the same people, music.
You love horses.
- I do.
I don't trust them.
Think about this.
- Their eyes, their sneaky feet.
- This is a business... Stay with me.
- Their shoes are permanent.
All you have to do...
- Who makes that commitment to a shoe?
- Most marriages devolve eventually.
- Mean faces.
This is all it is,
it's a business partnership.
With the added benefit of attraction.
Undeniably, you have got something
dark and twisted in you.
And for awhile,
I thought I might be able to bugger it out.
But I tried really hard
and I think it's still in there.
Reach into your pocket, pull out the ring,
and say four little words.
Okay. Uh, I don't love you.
Try again.
I like other girls.
- Oh, well, me too. Let's invite one over.
- I'll embarrass you. Daily.
For example, look, I'm quite capable
of this kind of conduct.
I've seen it before.
All right. Yes.
That's just part of my repertoire.
By thunder, here's a pretty dame.
There. Hmm? What do you think
about that? She's probably pregnant.
- Well done. Go on.
- Okay.
Where's the kitchen?
I'm going to the kitchen.
- Coming in the kitchen.
- Isn't he mad?
I'm a naughty robot.
- But I just love him.
I've got tin titties.
This is what you're doing to me.
This is how I feel.
I think this sausage is cooked.
- Pascal, drinks, for everyone.
I'll tell you what, it's a lot more fun
in that bloody kitchen.
Daddy did, uh, show you
his little table saw, didn't he?
Turn around and tell everyone you're
crazy when you're in love. Ready? Go.
I don't know why I did all of those things
just then. I go crazy when I'm in love.
Sit down. Great.
Help me. Help me.
Embarrassing me or your family
is the one thing that will not be tolerated.
- Is that clear?
- Yes, please.
Sweet boy, this can all be
a ton of fun if you let it.
Shall we try again?
On one knee. I'm just an old-fashioned girl.
Just go ahead.
Susan. Pfft.
- Are you sure about this?
- You're running from yourself, Arthur.
I wish I was,
because I'd let me get away.
Ask me. Ask me.
Have it. Go on.
Yes, Arthur.
Madames et monsieurs, the happy couple.
Ah!
Aspirin.
Give me the whole bottle.
My life's over.
You're gonna be looked after
and you're gonna stay fabulously rich.
Maybe I'd rather be fabulously poor.
Some poor people I see look really happy.
That's because they're far away
or you've given them money.
What do you know, Alfred?
Arthur, poor people have to work.
They have to stand in the rain waiting for
buses to take them to things called jobs...
...which they have to do all year round
for holidays away from those jobs.
Don't patronize me, Snobson.
I know what a jobs are.
I model riding boots, don't I?
Posing in riding boots for another pampered
prick is not a job. Now take your vitamin.
- I erased her number.
- Hobson, I have to see her.
We'll unravel
this engagement bollocks later.
Arthur, you made the choice.
An engagement is a promise.
Be a man.
NAOMl: Continuing on,
this is Grand Central Terminal...
...and it is home to more
than 750,000 commuters a day.
Boring. What a tiresome fact that was.
Oh, ladies and gentlemen, this is a
classic New York architectural feature:
The man who takes your number
and then never calls you.
Ooh.
- I'm bored too.
- Yeah, he's bored, I'm bored...
...the whole tour is really bored.
Come on, liven it up, lady.
Okay, well, what about this:
See that clock up there?
See those statues?
That's Jupiter and Minerva
and Hercules.
When the clock strikes 12,
they reach down and they stop time.
And then they go out on the town. They go
swim in the Hudson and cavort at the zoo.
- Sometimes they even go to a strip club.
- Oh, okay.
Okay, guys,
that's the end of your tour. Um...
Your complimentary pretzel awaits.
It's only $5.
- Wow, you look really, really amazing.
- Okay.
- I've got something to show you.
- I don't...
We're on a tight schedule. Come.
- Okay.
- Stop thinking.
Um, Arthur, there are no people.
Where are the people?
The people have been rerouted
for 45 minutes by me for you.
It's sort of romantic, but in another way,
it's incredibly selfish of you.
Grand Central.
Rose petals.
Dinner. Oh, my God.
This is our first date.
Oh, is that what we said to the police
officer? I'd quite forgotten.
NAOMl:
Wait, I'm not getting naked.
Don't rule it out at this stage, it takes
some of the pizzazz out of the evening.
It's like we're the last people
on the planet.
Wow, this is amazing. Thank you.
- There's a waiter on that escalator.
- Shh.
NAOMl:
He's in formal attire.
- He's carrying a platter.
- Wait for it.
Excellent.
- Your dinner, madam.
NAOMl: Thank you.
PEZ.
These are us as PEZ heads? Ha, ha.
You're the cute one.
Well, the cuter one.
NAOMl:
Do you want me?
- Thank you.
- Ha, ha.
Hey, you know, as soon as I saw you...
...I knew I wanted to eat candy bricks
out of your neck hole.
You're not the first.
What do you think? Do you like it?
Well, on my last date...
...the guy told me that I could only
eat salad and then he said he was gay.
- This is better.
Yeah.
I mean, I'm heterosexual, so...
Oh, already winning.
Did you know that the zodiac
is painted on backwards?
It was a goof by the artist, but then the
Vanderbilts, who commissioned the place...
...said that it was God's view
of the heavens.
Trust the Vanderbilts to see the world
from God's perspective.
There's a woman jumping behind you.
Oh, yeah. I promised you acrobats.
NAOMl:
Arthur, this is... This is insane.
Yeah, this is what money is for.
Creating excitement and joy
and acrobats and PEZ heads and...
Italy.
- What?
- Let's go to Italy.
Okay, let's go.
When do you wanna go to Italy?
- Tonight. I'll charter a jet. Giuseppe, hi.
- I can't go to Italy with you tonight.
Excuse me.
- Naomi...
- Mm-hm?
...I'm talking about Tuscany.
White truffle gelato. Have you ever
tasted white truffle gelato?
It makes all other gelato
taste like shit.
Arthur, you emptied out
Grand Central Station.
Can't you just be here?
Can I show you something?
NAOMl: After we moved to New York
when I was 11...
...my mom used to bring me down here
all the time.
We'd take the train in from Queens.
This is the Whisper Wall.
It's a really special place.
Okay, you have to go in that corner,
and I'll be over here.
And say something.
What?
I don't know, anything.
Oh, you could call me up and ask me out,
like you failed to do.
Good idea.
Hello, this is Arthur.
Is Naomi there, please?
Yes, this is Naomi.
My God, that's amazing. You're over there,
but I can hear you perfectly over here.
- It's acoustics.
- Wow.
I'm gonna buy one of these.
You don't have to buy it, it's free.
Incredible.
I was just having a phone call,
so I've gotta go back.
Oh.
If you're, um, not too busy, would you like
to maybe go on a date with me?
NAOMl: Actually, I'm free right now
if you'd like to do something simple.
Food, my house?
What is this, please?
- Oh, this is, um, generic brand Saucy-Os.
- Saucy-Os.
Yeah. It's one of the few times the generic
brand's actually better than the real thing.
Something happens in the factory.
It's delicious.
Welcome to the life of humans.
It is the culinary success of the season.
- Mademoiselle, you are...
- Shh. Shh. Shh.
What?
- My dad is asleep.
But your mum wears earplugs,
so we don't need to worry about her.
My mom doesn't wear anything anymore.
Naked. Sleeping au naturel.
She's dead.
I'm so sorry.
She died, um, last year.
It's really recent, and I made a joke about
your dead nude mum. I'm so sorry, Naomi.
- No, no, no, really, it's okay.
- I'm always doing things like that.
If it's any consolation,
my dad is similarly deceased.
I'm so sorry. Was that recent?
No, it was when I was a child,
so you've won that round, but, uh...
- Point, Naomi.
- Right, well done.
You're winning,
but it's not too late for me to run home...
...and butcher my mother
just to edge into the lead.
Uh, no. My dad died when I was a kid.
He was by all accounts a very
sensible, uh, frugal man...
...who didn't drink, didn't smoke,
walked everywhere.
NAOMl:
Hmm.
Dropped dead of a heart attack
when he was 44.
Lesson being,
why bother taking care of yourself?
- Cheers.
- I don't think that's the lesson.
- It's the lesson I learned.
- Cheers.
Mm.
Ah.
No, thanks.
What were you like as a kid?
Well, ha, ha, aside from being
grief-stricken...
- Ha, ha, yes.
- I was kind of little...
...and I didn't drink so much then.
What about you?
Did you drink much as a child?
Strictly juice boxes.
- What a weirdo.
- I was a weirdo.
I thought that the moon
followed me everywhere.
I thought it meant something special
was gonna happen.
Well, that's a pretty
ridiculous hypotheses, Naomi...
...because by that notion,
the moon would be out there right n...
Naomi, the moon is literally out there
right now spying on us...
...his light shining down on your face
and clutter.
What is all these things?
- My dad's pills.
- Hmm.
Got a lot of incriminating stuff lying
around in here young la... What's this for?
- That's nothing. That's...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
This is not nothing. This is something.
I used to write stories
and draw pictures for kids.
Ah.
Wow.
"The Statue of Liberty had traveled
all the way from France.
She missed her friend,
the Eiffel Tower, and her arm hurt. "
- Naomi, that's wonderful.
- Thank you.
In this, the Statue of Liberty
is a lonely French giant.
Yeah. And she stays lonely until
she meets her friend, the Chrysler Building.
That's brilliant, Naomi.
You should quit your job
and focus all your energy on this.
- I can't.
- Why? What have you got to lose?
The house and electricity and...
You can pay for all those things
when this is published.
Arthur, things like that don't happen
to people like me.
Then why is the moon
still following you?
But this doesn't wake your father?
- He's used to this.
- This could wake my father.
From his grave.
Okay, lovely, but a little closer together.
All right. Smile, Daddy, smile.
Okay, and now,
I'd love to see some more love.
What is this?
Your engagement photo
for Town & Country.
How about a couple
of you and your mum?
Oh, all right, yeah. Okay.
All right.
Vivienne?
Yes, Arthur?
If hypothetically...
...uh, I was to develop feelings
for a woman who isn't exactly Susan...
...kind of an un-Susan, an anti-Susan,
as it were...
...um, how would that make you feel,
hypothetically?
Hypothetically, I'd say congratulations.
But unfortunately,
the most magical relationships...
...will wilt in the midst
of grinding poverty.
Wonderful.
Arthur, how about a few of you...
...and your future father-in-law?
- What? No, no.
- Ha, ha. Hello, Burt.
Hello.
I'll never get used to
that handshake.
Where were you last night, Arthur?
What? Just at home. Home.
You sure about that?
- Yes.
- My turn, Daddy.
- Oh, Jesus.
Oh, great.
This is for the cover shot.
I need the bride and the groom, please.
Get on the horse, Arthur.
I love animals, but I don't trust you.
Get on the horse.
You will not make me cry today.
For the riding boot shoots, we use
a stuffed horse or sometimes a girl.
- Maybe Daddy could help?
Yeah, let me help.
- No, it's all right, Burt.
- Help him up.
You're a weak man, Burt. Burt.
No, Burt, you're... That doesn't help.
Ow! Oh, my God.
Burt, you're not qualified.
Aah! Ha, ha.
That was no trouble. That was no tr...
What a lot of fuss.
What a lot of fuss about nothing.
Okay, lovely.
Who is she, Arthur?
I don't know, I imagine she's called
Trixy or Rocket. Something like that.
Not the horse. The girl.
I don't know what you mean.
We'll be right back. Excuse us.
Wha? Aah! I didn't agree to this.
First your father, now the horse.
When will my testicles get some rest?
Delaying a hundred commuter trains
for a secret date wasn't the smartest move.
It was in The Times and the Post.
I must've hurt you with that. I understand
if you wanna cancel the wedding.
We're not gonna cancel the wedding.
It's happening as scheduled. End of story.
Are those gonna be your vows?
"To death do us part, as scheduled"?
Listen, Susan, is this about money?
I've got news for you, you're already rich.
I'm not you rich, Arthur.
My family doesn't have a coat of arms.
I'll draw you one. It's quite simple.
It's usually just a sword.
I hear them whisper at functions.
In their eyes, I'm just the daughter
of a contractor from Pittsburgh.
They sneer when I walk past.
That's probably just because
of who you are as a person.
Bach Worldwide has been run
by a Bach for generations.
Susan Johnson-Bach will be in control
of one of the largest trusts in the world.
You're not gonna get in my way.
Say goodbye to your little girlfriend.
But Vivienne. Susienne. Satan. Susan.
I like this girl.
We connect, she and I.
She's spontaneous and...
I'm spontaneous.
Really? You planned to confront me
during a contrived photo shoot...
...wearing an outfit you selected
when you were a child.
Ow!
Okay, lovebirds, are you ready?
Don't forget, it's all about the eyes.
Those happy eyes.
You embarrassed me.
Embarrass me again
and my father will cut off...
I know, my tongue.
No, your balls.
Not if I keep them moist.
Thoughts, Hobnobs?
I think you're engaged, and going out
with Naomi is a really bad idea.
Exactly.
Which is why I've invited her here.
Arthur, think.
I have thinked. And that is why we're
all gonna hang out together.
I've never hung out in my life.
I'm not gonna start tonight.
Hobson, if you get to know this girl,
you're gonna love her.
Arthur, you must tell Naomi
you're getting married.
You don't think that might rather
mar the romance of the evening?
Hello, Arthur.
- Hi, Hobson.
- Hello, Susan. How nice to see you.
Can you just give us one
little minute?
Yes, of course.
Thank you.
Mm-mm.
- What was that?
- A French kiss.
Really? Because the French
always surrender.
That was decidedly German.
I was just at home
feeling spontaneous.
I decided to put on
a little something spontaneous...
...and come over here spontaneously.
Susan, mentally ill people are spontaneous.
It's all about context.
Oh, good, this is happening now.
Shall we go to the bedroom?
- You're a bit drunk.
- Okay.
So you just, uh... You wait here. Oh, no.
Oh-ho. Lovely. That's come off.
- Um, I'm gonna get ice.
- What do you have in mind?
Uh, I imagine there'll be some injuries.
It'll reduce the swelling.
Hurry.
Naomi, I'm very happy to see you.
- You are?
Um...
Naomi, I'm so glad you're here.
Um, did you kill Minnie Mouse
or did she surrender her dress willingly?
If it makes you feel better,
she didn't suffer.
Well, this is all very nice.
Come in, Naomi. Come in.
Now, I know we were gonna
have a night in...
- I can see why.
- But, actually, why don't we?
- This is amazing.
- Uh, no. Um...
- That fish looks like a cat.
Naomi. No, it doesn't.
NAOMl: Wow, bubblegum rocket.
- Don't look at that.
Now, tell me where the room
filled with buckets of gold is.
It's over here,
away from the bedroom, actually.
You have a glittery camel. Why?
They're 10 a penny in England.
Ignore that.
Naomi, let me give you a full tour of the
apartment while Arthur primps himself.
I'll be primping. I've gotta primp.
NAOMl: Oh, that's you.
- Yes, thank you.
Ah, Susan.
You're posing suggestively.
Do you like it, my fianc?
Buckets of gold?
Broken lunar module.
Silly bugger drove it down the stairs.
Come through here. This should keep your
eyes off the valuables for a few minutes.
Get out.
Oh, I love Looney Tunes.
Are these always playing?
No, it, uh, alternates between this
and historical documentaries.
- Really?
- No. Just this.
Okay, I just have
to get the perfect place.
Yes.
Your friend will be with you shortly.
Thank you. Oh, wait, don't you wanna stay?
This is a really good one.
Pep tries to kiss Penelope Pussycat,
but then he falls off the boat.
You forgot to say "spoiler alert. "
You are my peanut and I am your brittle.
- Ooh.
- I'm Susan Johnson, your fiance.
- That's the problem, actually.
- Come on.
No. I'm getting up here,
but this is not complicit.
- I'm just helping you to get dressed.
- Saving yourself for marriage?
More the divorce, to be honest.
Susan, my buttons.
How much have you had to drink?
- Glasses? Bottles. Okay.
- Ha, ha.
We are now in an area of my expertise.
You are very drunk.
You need to sleep it off.
- Close that. That's good. Good. Don't...
- Oh, that's... That's nice.
- Try not to speak any words.
- Mm-hm.
Shh. Shut up.
No, you're not a sexy cat.
You're not a sexy cat. Stop that.
I'm a bad kitty.
You're not a bad kitty,
you're a sleepy lunatic.
I'm a bad kitty.
I need to have my whiskers licked.
There are no circumstances under which
I'd do that to a cat.
Go to sleep.
That's enough of that. Stop it. Get... Ow!
No! Unh. Ow!
So this must be a fun job.
Yes, it has its moments.
Like trying to protect Arthur
from people with dubious intentions.
NAOMl:
Hmm.
Oh, you mean me.
Because I'm totally after the money,
if that's what you're thinking.
How is the illegal
tour guide business going?
Feeds my dad.
But I'm actually writing a book.
A children's book.
It was Arthur's idea.
Well, make sure there are lots of pictures,
otherwise he won't understand it.
I think Arthur understands
more than you realize.
So, Hobson, are there any men
in your life?
Are you attempting
to make small talk with me?
I am attempting it. Is it working?
- No, not really.
- Darn it.
So?
Any man I've ever met...
...pales in comparison to the dazzling
floor show that is Arthur's company.
I know you were being sarcastic
just then...
...but it really is quite dazzling.
All is fair in love and war, eh, darling?
Do you think he's okay?
Ow! Ow!
- Bad horse.
- Ow! That's not erotic. It just hurts.
No. Susan. Stop it.
You can't do that.
Horses and cats can't mate.
Our children will be monsters.
Hobson, it's not what it looks like.
Unless it looks like a cat raping a horse.
Arthur.
- What's happening?
- Oh.
What has happened to me?
I think the problem is your clothes
are made of metal...
...and my bed is made of magnets.
- Oh, you think so?
- Right. Okay. Uh, stay calm, kitty.
I'm not a cat anymore.
I am a businesswoman.
I think I have a remote control.
Excuse me.
- Uh... Ah, right. I've got the remote.
- Get me off of here!
Okay, I'm coming.
I'm gonna... Ah, got it.
- What are you doing?
- Okay, it's not that, obviously.
Uh, on the bright side, at least something
in this room is attracted to you.
For the love of God.
Maybe this.
- Oh, are you all right?
- Not that.
I'm not gonna press this anymore...
...because if I press the wrong button,
the bed could fall and kill you.
Which none of us would want.
None of us.
I've gotta go and get Hobson.
She knows how this works.
Oh, you are a useless man. You can't do
anything without that miserable old woman.
There you are.
That was a lot of primping.
Oh, ha, yeah, yeah.
Primping. Yeah, primping.
Yeah, it's primpalicious, though,
isn't it? The results.
He's a primpanzee.
Sorry about this noise.
I think it's, um... It's the bloody neighbors.
- Neighbors?
- Well, I think I'll retire now.
Good night, Hobson.
Ahem. Hobson.
Um, thank you for everything.
I did it for her.
I don't want that poor girl humiliated.
- You like her, don't you? She's lovely.
- Just be a grown-up for once, Arthur.
Okay.
Oh, um, could you detach the half-naked
businesswoman from under my bed?
Sorry.
Good night, Hobson.
Goodbye, Naomi.
NAOMl:
Not a bad back yard.
Yes, except whenever I sunbathe nude,
I get the strangest looks.
Oh, you're that guy.
- Are you a bit chilly?
- Oh, yes.
- Would you like?
- Thank you.
Ahem, here.
- Is this your father's? "Gerald Bach. "
It is.
Well, it was. I had some of his suits
re-tailored to fit me.
It seemed silly to throw them away.
Mm.
- Oh.
"Why bother taking care of yourself?"
Ha, ha. Yeah. Just have fun.
- Well, you seem to have a lot of fun.
- It's my calling.
I found a free thing to show you.
It's this way.
- Come with me. Come on.
- Okay.
In my mind, this is the pond
from a book I had when I was a kid...
...called Frog and Toad Together.
I love Frog and Toad. My mom used to
read them to me all the time.
- Really?
- Yeah.
My mom subcontracted
that job to Hobson.
NAOMl: There's a really sad one
where Toad freaks out...
...because he sees Frog sitting alone
on a rock.
So he swims out to him with a picnic,
but then it falls in the water.
"Our lunch is spoiled.
I made it for you, Frog,
so you'd be happy. "
But Frog wasn't sad.
"When I woke up, I felt good...
...because the sun was shining.
I felt good because I was a frog. "
And I felt good
because I have you for a friend.
If you were sitting alone,
I'd bring you a sandwich.
I'll sit alone, then.
"And Frog and Toad
stayed on the island all afternoon.
They ate wet sandwiches
without iced tea.
They were two close friends
sitting alone together. "
I couldn't tell her, Hobson.
She's my Toad.
Oh, bollocks.
Listen, Arthur, I'm sure Naomi
is a very nice girl...
...but you can't live
without the money.
How do you know?
Please. You can't go half an hour
without buying another sports car.
When I was little you used to say:
"Arthur,
you can do anything under the sun. "
I never spoke like that.
It was a bit like that.
That was before
you paid Elton John $2 million...
...to sing over the PA in a grocery store.
Yeah, well, it was Easter.
- I think I could live without the money.
- Oh, yes? How?
I'd get a job.
- Ha!
- What?
Fine. Fine. Go ahead. Get a job.
I am a grown man...
...and I shall join the mature world
of gainful employment to prove it.
Don't let that undermine
what I just said.
- Do you know how to use Excel?
- No.
- PowerPoint?
- No.
- Outlook.
- Generally positive. You know, I mean...
...I have down days like anyone, but...
It's a program.
Oh, um, no.
Can you file?
- File?
Yes.
In a?
No.
There must be something I can do.
Hey!
And so, this is how you simply sign on...
...and that unlocks the register.
Now, you clock in, employee number,
password and the register's yours.
This, uh, might seem a bit much
for my first day...
...but could I inquire as to the possibility
of a transfer...
...to the costume-greeter department?
I think I'd thrive.
No. Let's just start
with the register for you.
I've got my own costume, if that helps.
Nope, doesn't really make
a difference. No.
Register. So I've cleared it.
Go ahead and enter your
employee number and log in.
- Okay. You just hit a lot of random keys.
- Well, that's what you did, in fairness.
- It says "invalid key. "
- Yes. Invalid key.
That means that I need to reset this.
This may take a moment.
Would you mind just stepping right over?
How did he get that job, exactly? What
is he, the owner? The son of the owner?
- You can't do it, and you never will.
- Never?
That's harsh.
I've entered
your employee number and... Oh.
Want some?
- I think you should take the day off.
- As a reward?
Tomorrow we'll find
something more suitable for you.
I think what he's doing is derivative.
Oh, the moon really is following me.
Would you stop going on about the moon
following you?
He's lunar.
He's clearly a pervert.
Arthur? There've been some reports
of staff members eating on the floor.
Do you know anything about that?
Um, no.
No, I don't know anything
about that, Peter.
You know, I think it's not appropriate
for you to be on the floor.
We should find something
for you in the stock room.
Excuse me.
If I gave you $10,000...
...would you let me wear this costume
for one hour?
Hello. Welcome to the store.
May all your dreams come true.
Free candy! Here you go, kids!
I'm a lovely bear. Grr.
Sorry. Sorry. I'm not a genuine bear.
Here, listen, you take this with you.
If you leave very quickly, security won't
have an opportunity to ascertain you.
- Go. Try not to look suspicious.
- Arthur?
- Hello.
- What are you doing?
Peter, I can explain everything.
I've got one. I'm okay.
Arthur.
- May I have a word with you?
- Is that word "promotion"?
One apocalyptic hangover, no job.
Congratulations, Arthur.
The employment market is a vortex.
Listen to this: "Aquarium needs help
cleaning tanks. Swim with the fishes. "
That is a Mob threat.
None of these jobs make any sense at all.
"Systems integration professional. "
Would anyone do it as an amateur?
Would anyone approach
systems integration...
...as a hobby for fun on a Saturday
afternoon instead of flying a kite?
Who is integrating systems
for their own amusement?
Hobson.
I think in order to do this...
...I may have to be a little more sober.
What do you think?
To, you know, preserve my anonymity.
You're right,
it would be a shame to jeopardize...
...such a distinguished public profile.
I stole from my friends, my family.
I sold my son's tricycle
so I could score some junk.
- Jesus.
I was so drunk once...
...I backed my car
over my mother outside Walgreens.
Thirty-seven days sober.
But sometimes, it's just so hard.
Like I'm in this grave...
Whoa, this is depressing.
It's like unhappy hour.
- Shh.
- It is. I don't like it in here.
This is making me want to drink more.
Sir, you need to wait till the end
of the meeting. Go on, James.
It's okay. I'm done.
And you are?
My name is...
...Gandalf.
Hi, Gandalf.
Hello.
And I came here because I'd like to drink
a bit less. Not give it up altogether.
Maybe 5, 10 percent cut down.
Reasonable.
Look, I'm sorry. No one's gonna convince
me that my life isn't fun, okay?
And forgive my crassness...
...but if I ran my mother over,
I'd be out celebrating with booze.
Which is what I plan to do right now.
Cheerio.
Excuse me. Hobson.
My name is Lillian and I'm an alcoholic.
Hi, Lillian.
Good afternoon.
I'm rich. I'm fabulously rich.
I'm also generous and kindhearted.
My father died when I was young and
my mother was absent most of the time.
Is this an excuse for making a mockery
of my life?
Oh, sure, it all looks very wild
from the outside.
Do you know, I once went to bed with three
European princesses at the same time.
But, A, I can't remember anything
about it...
...and, B, apparently,
I vomited on two of them...
...before losing control of my bladder
on the third.
Oh, yes, all such fun.
Until the fog parts,
and suddenly there's a hole so big...
...that all the vintage champagne
and the Batmobiles in the world won't fill it.
And then? Well, then,
I'm all alone on my magnetic bed...
...wondering what venereal disease
I've just caught.
Always the quiet ones.
This is itchy.
That was really lovely what you said
in there about me.
Now, if you could just do the drinking for
me, I think we'd have this thing cracked.
Vivienne.
Yes?
Don't make me do this, please.
I'm not the one with a choice.
You can walk away any time you like.
There's a simple solution
to all of this, Arthur.
Marry Susan
and cheat with the nobody from Queens.
Hello, Naomi's dad.
Is your daughter here?
Her name is Naomi.
Just clear up any confusion.
It's a little late, but I wasn't
sleeping myself. Come in, come in.
Arthur?
Oh, hello, Naomi.
You may wanna sit down.
Or lay down.
Although I prefer you stayed awake,
because this is important.
What is it?
I'm engaged to another Susan.
Woman. Another Susan woman.
You're engaged?
I'm so sorry I didn't tell you.
I meant to before.
You meant to tell me that you were
engaged to another woman.
- I was gonna get Hobson to do it...
- Oh, my God. Arthur.
- Who do you think you are?
- Naomi.
I'm not saying I think I'm Naomi.
You are.
Why else would you be wearing
her pajamas.
I didn't mean for this to happen,
but then I started falling for you.
And I thought,
"Oh, no. I'm falling for Naomi...
...and I have to marry Susan woman
or I'll lose the money. "
Let me get this straight.
You don't wanna marry this woman.
- Susan woman.
- But you're going to...
...because you're scared
of losing the money?
- Yeah, see, I'm trapped by the money.
- Oh, you're trapped by the money.
Oh, okay. Well, we should probably
start a telethon.
And then people could call in
and relieve you from this horrible money.
If you think it would help.
Naomi, Naomi, Naomi, please.
You're the most special person...
...that I have ever...
- What, lied to?
I was gonna say "met. "
Am I the most special person
you ever made this for?
Who makes a PEZ dispenser
of somebody's head...
...when they're engaged
to someone else?
Admittedly, we're a small demographic.
Stop joking.
Okay. Let me run this up the flag pole.
What if I were to install a secret door?
It leads to an apartment.
And you live in that.
On the other side of that door,
I'm married to Susan.
That's not ideal. But on the bright side,
I assure you it's entirely sexless.
What? Naomi, don't leave, Naomi.
This is my apartment, Arthur.
You have to leave.
This is for you.
For your dad. For your writing career.
Nine hundred
and ninety-nine thousand dollars.
- I thought a million would be vulgar.
- We don't want your money.
Could you leave?
Can I just stay here for a minute, please?
Why?
Because it will reduce the proportion of my
life that I spend feeling utterly miserable.
Goodbye, Arthur.
Closet.
And back, two, three. Front, two, three.
Back. And here we turn.
This is gonna be our first dance
as husband and wife.
At least you could just try to smile.
Sorry.
And I apologize for leaving you
attached to that magnetic bed.
Oh.
Someone's coming to his senses. Finally.
Good. Now, under the arm.
Hobson.
Hobson!
Hobson. I've just spotted Orphan Annie
as a man.
Orphan Mannie!
Bitterman. What are you doing
in my bathroom? We discussed this.
Hobson left me in charge.
She went back to bed. She had a headache.
- Hobson's got a headache?
- Yes, sir.
How did she say it? What did she say?
"Bitterman, I'm going to bed.
I have a headache. "
She sort of said it like that,
all broken up and staccato?
Pretty much, sir.
- Solely on their mother...
...for food, shelter and safety.
This mother bear has no...
- What's the matter? Why are you in bed?
- Arthur, put my bears back on.
There'll be no bears
until you tell me what's the matter.
I'm traveling down this white tunnel.
There's a garden at the end.
Who's that red gentleman with a pitchfork?
Why is it so hot in here?
Stop being childish.
Sorry.
Okay, Arthur, I've got something to tell you.
Will you sit down?
Listen...
...there are three books.
Take them back to the library.
Oh, Hobson, please don't die anymore.
It's getting very boring.
What about you?
You look a bit lost today.
Naomi won't talk to me.
Oh, I am sorry. It's a shame she
wouldn't come to an agreement.
Little tart like that would've saved you
a fortune in prostitutes.
How dare you talk about Naomi like that.
She's one of the finest people I know.
I employ you to support me.
I don't pay you to make snide comments
about my friends. Remember that.
You're just Mary Poppins with menopause.
Delightful to see you, Hobson.
To what do I owe the pleasure?
Well, it's this marriage, Vivienne.
I'm very excited for Arthur.
I'm worried for him too.
Are you, now?
Look, he has attempted gainful employment
and he even went to AA.
- It didn't last very long, but I have hopes...
- AA?
There's this girl.
I think she's inspiring him to...
- He's getting married.
- Yes, but is it right for him, Vivienne?
Arthur does have other issues.
And whose fault is that?
Well, I'm so sorry to have wasted
your valuable time.
He needs this, Lillian, he's weak.
He's stronger than you think.
NAOMl:
Who was that?
Um...
Hobson is in my house.
Surprisingly, I am.
Well, don't be intimidated by the space.
We don't use all the rooms.
You got that, McKenzie? Thank you.
Why am I stuck here in this room?
I'm not the bride
I'm the bloody groom
Isn't he charming?
It's the sweetest thing.
Oh. Oh, McKenzie, this is stunning.
Ooh.
- No metal.
Very nice.
Just don't leave me for a minute
Or you'll come home and find me in it
I just made that up.
That just came to me.
Here.
Oh. Love these. The grape shears.
Look, Arthur.
Grape shears, what an innovation
You can use them for my castration
Because she does that. I've been...
I've been horribly emasculated.
Arthur misses you desperately.
Has he asked you to go on a tour
of all of the girls that he misses?
No, he's far too decent to be involved
in anything as tawdry as this.
As what?
As my plea not to give up on him.
You really look after him, don't you?
Yes, I do.
And it's a job that I recommend highly.
A, um, taste of England.
Oh. Oh, lovely.
As, I believe,
you look after this gentleman.
Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do,
but Arthur is getting married.
Naomi, if there's one thing an old woman
can recognize it's a young man in love.
How's that tea?
Like sewage.
- I'm so sorry.
NAOMl: Uh, are you okay?
Thank you. Thanks, ladies, for such
a lovely afternoon. These are gorgeous.
- Arthur, hasn't it been?
- Cheers. Thank you.
Thank you, ladies. Thank you.
I'll be here all week.
And for the rest of my bloody life.
Hey. Hello.
What?
It's just a headache.
Hold on. You've been having tests for
months. The doctor told me on the phone.
Oh, bother snaps.
Well, what do doctors know anyway?
I think they're usually really well qualified,
Hobson. Why didn't you mention this?
I'm sorry.
It's just I didn't want to worry you.
Well, now I am worried.
But forget the worry
and enjoy this extravagant gesture!
Look at those bears. I love them.
- The biggest ones in the shop.
- Can I have one?
That's part of a display.
They didn't wanna sell that one.
Put this on, please.
I'm not putting that on.
Put it on or the bears will be incinerated.
Humiliating.
- You look really dignified.
Mm.
How much did you waste on this?
They're very reasonable, actually.
- Uh, so say, "Wash your winkie. "
Wash your winkie.
Say, "If you have to pay them,
it's not love. "
If you have to pay, it's not love.
Ha! You do one, you do one.
Could you do Sammy Davis, Jr?
Sammy Davis, Jr. Is not to do
with that costume.
- I like Sammy.
- What's the point in that?
I see you've decided not to grow up.
Yeah, I already decided not to bother.
- Where's Naomi?
- Outside. Do you wanna see her?
You see her for me, will you?
How is she?
All she'll tell me is she's got a headache.
No one else will tell me anything...
...because we're not family.
- That's hospitals.
Why was she at your house?
Hobson and I hang out all the time. We go
shoplifting every Wednesday. Bergdorf's.
That's a good time to do it.
Hardly any security.
She was worried about you.
Hey, how's the writing going?
It's really good, actually.
I sold my book.
Congratulations, that's such fantastic news.
You deserve that.
When you found out,
did you do a scream?
I did. I went:
- Only louder.
Right.
Yeah. I mean, a scream is defined
by its vocal quality to some degree.
I've been really angry at you.
And I've been rehearsing in my head what I
was gonna say to you if I saw you again.
And it was gonna start with, "Hi, Arthur. "
That's conventional.
And then I was gonna
get into a lot of really mean stuff.
And it was gonna be directed at you in
a very pointed way because you lied to me.
But then I would run out of steam
eventually and I'd say, begrudgingly:
"Thank you for encouraging me
with my writing. "
And then I would get very serious and I'd
look at you in the eyes and I would say:
"Arthur...
...you have a problem. "
I'm glad that was hypothetical
because that would be really hard to hear.
How is Hobson?
Ah. Well...
Naomi, this is Susan...
...my fiance.
And, uh, Susan, this is Naomi.
It's nice to finally meet you.
That is like a medium-size ice rink.
And ice rink. That's what I said,
but I said for mice. Because it's small.
- You're a tour guide, right?
NAOMl: Yep.
Well, actually, Susan, Naomi's a writer.
She's being published.
Oh, well, congratulations.
Who's gonna publish your book?
- Doesn't matter, does it?
- Uh, Painted Wagon Press.
- They're all the same.
- Ha, ha, Painted Wagon Press.
That name sounds familiar.
Sorry, I can't think of...
Why might that name
sound so familiar to me?
Can you help me with that?
Why I might know that name?
No, Susan, I can't.
Oh.
It's coming to me.
Bach Worldwide just acquired them.
You should've come to me about that.
I could've made you a better deal.
But why would you buy them?
So you could tell them
to publish my book.
Thank you.
What'd you do that for?
I just did her a favor.
Naomi, wait.
Wait.
I didn't think I was ever gonna see you
again, and I think you're talented...
I thought other people
thought that I was talented.
I thought that I had earned it.
I thought that I had earned it.
And that felt really good.
I like that. I like earning something.
And I know that you don't know
what that feels like, but it's great.
You should try it sometime.
Ow, ow, ow.
I cut my hand. There's blood in those.
Actually, um, don't eat them
because of the blood.
Hobson, how does this bag of tea work?
Do you tear the top off
or you use this to cut in? How?
No, you put the whole bag in the pot.
- Just put the whole bag in?
- Mm. With water. Hot water.
- Brilliant.
- But not out of the tap.
- From a?
- Kettle.
Brilliant. Perfect.
Be careful of that plate.
It's gonna be very, very...
Oh, God, no!
- Hot.
I think I was better off in the hospital.
Bon apptit.
Actually, my medication
makes me sufficiently nauseous.
You're forever pestering me
about change...
...and you're afraid to eat a little bowl
of spaghetti circles. Come along.
Please let me look after you.
Quite nice.
- Really?
- Mm-hm.
- It's not unpleasant, is it?
- Well, it is unpleasant...
- Ha.
... but it's quite nice.
I'm a genius in there.
Mother bear will care for her cubs...
...for up to two years.
Lovely.
Come on, come on, come on.
- No. Not like this.
- Aah! Ha-ha-ha.
You've got so much to give.
Have you called her, Arthur?
No.
Have you ever been in love, Hobson?
Yes, I was once.
Yes, in London. He was from Spain.
He asked me to go there with him.
You were nearly 3.
What happened?
Two days before I was due to leave...
I had my bags all packed.
- Your father died.
You should've gone.
I would've understood.
It was too late.
I loved you.
Why have you never told me?
I didn't want you to feel bad.
- Why are you telling me now?
- I want you to feel bad.
So this is what it's like
to go to bed at 9:00.
Yes.
Isn't it wicked?
Hmm, Hobson.
I had a bad dream.
Hobson?
Hobson, stop mucking about.
You can't see a tunnel of light
and red pitchfork.
I'm not gonna take those three books
back to the library.
Hobson?
Nurse!
Nurse!
Bitterman?
We're gonna have a party.
I'm tired of being sad now.
Bitterman, what are you doing?
I'm trying to cheer you up, Mr. Bach.
Is it working?
Not yet.
How about now?
You have to do something funny.
You can't just stand there.
- Just say something incongruous or pithy.
- Okay.
Today's your wedding day, Mr. Bach.
Well, that's it. I'm gonna drown myself.
Mr. Bach?
Mr. Bach? Where'd you go?
Lovely to see you. Hello.
Chancellor.
- I am so delighted you're here.
- Oh, thank you.
I think you'll be very, very pleasantly
surprised. Enjoy yourself.
The groom is here.
Ah. I gather the groom has arrived.
Bitterman. Bitterman.
Please. I'm getting married today.
But you were in there too long.
- Oh, God. She's here.
- You're late. Was I not clear?
Don't... Don't... Don't blame Bitterman.
He had a hell of a struggle getting me
out of the bath.
Coffee. Now.
Good idea. I'll have one too.
I'm a bit drunk.
Okay.
The good news is you're here
and you're not wearing a cape.
Proud day for you, Viv?
I have guests to attend to. Stay.
Psst.
Small person.
Can you read?
For, like, four years. Can you?
Not at the moment, no.
Help. Come here.
I need you to read this for me.
Okay.
"My dearest Arthur.
Listen up, you pampered prick. "
Carry on.
"You now know where the tea bags are.
To operate kettle, press red button.
Milk in refrigerator.
That's the big box with the pretty light
that comes on when you open the door.
It's not too late, Arthur.
You can do anything under the sun.
All my deepest, fondest love.
I'm smiling down at you.
Or, more likely, up at you.
Forever and ever, H."
Are you crying?
That's a bride's job, to cry.
It's time to man up, Arthur.
Dearly beloved...
...we are gathered here today
to join Arthur and Susan in matrimony.
Which is commended
to be honorable among all men.
And therefore, is not by any to be entered
into unadvisedly or lightly...
...but reverently, discreetly and solemnly.
Seems like a lot of adverbs.
That seem like a lot of adverbs to you?
Shh, Arthur.
If any person can show just cause...
...why they may not
be joined together...
...let him speak now
or forever hold his peace.
I object!
To this wedding.
- Arthur, you can't object. It's your wedding.
Is it my wedding? Because I think if it was,
I'd know who all these people were.
I mean, who are you?
- I'm your best man.
- I've never seen you befor...
- Actually, have I? I recognize you a bit.
- I'm your mother's receptionist.
Oh, yeah, right. It's nice to see you.
But what about you two?
Who's Abercrombie and who's Fitch?
And was there a bachelor party?
I wasn't invited.
If there was, then I don't think
I'd have enjoyed it. You look like squares.
And I've slept with three of them.
Not sure which three.
I just... Statistically...
Susan, this isn't real.
This wedding is a sham. It's a
wonderful sham wedding, but it's a sham.
We don't love each other.
Even you deserve better than this.
In fact, it was Abraham Lincoln
who said, "Freedom... "
That's my little girl.
- You will marry me.
- No, Susan. Abercrombie. Fitch.
I am the future of this company,
and all I need is your goddamn last name.
- Hit him in the face.
- No.
Stop.
Don't touch my son.
But Vivienne.
I think you've said enough.
Arthur, come here.
Are you certain about this?
Yes, I am.
It means giving up everything.
I'm happy to give up everything.
In fact, Vivienne, I can start
giving up everything right now.
This, for example.
Don't need that where I'm going.
Blue-collar district.
This will look sarcastic.
I feel like I'm bound up
like a little Japanese girl's foot.
I don't want that on anymore.
Shackles, chaining me to wealth.
Bloody thing. Ugh.
This shirt, itchy.
I don't want it anymore.
I can assure all of you that after this...
...I will be nowhere near the Bach fund.
So your investments are on solid footing.
Excuse me. Don't let that detract
from what I just said.
And finally...
Actually, um, these were
a Christmas present from Hobson. I...
I think I'll hang onto them.
- I'm keeping this ring. I'm keeping this ring.
- Yes.
Okay, well, uh, I'm going to be poor now.
So how'd it go?
Well, um, I'm very sorry, Bitterman,
but I'm afraid you're out of a job.
Congratulations.
- Is there anywhere I could take you, sir?
- Well, that's very sweet...
...but I've gotta get used to fending
for myself now.
Could you hail me a cab, please?
Arthur.
- Once again, you've humiliated me.
- Sorry.
But this time, I respect you for it.
You're stronger than I thought.
And you've shown me the truth
about Susan.
Yeah, she's bloody evil, isn't she?
Oh.
- For the cab.
- Oh.
Good luck in your life, Arthur.
A bit awkward.
We've got to get to Queens.
Do you know Queens?
It's full of traffic, isn't it?
Do you know Naomi?
Mazel tov, I'm looking for Naomi.
Naomi!
What?
Hello. I remembered.
I remembered the bricks and the train.
I came in a taxi.
- You're wasted, Arthur.
No!
Well, yes. But that was only
so I could get married.
- Oh, okay.
- Naomi! I didn't go through with it.
Instead, I did the only rational thing,
and I gave away all of my clothes.
Do you remember one word
of the last conversation we had, Arthur?
- Yeah, we were going to build a secret door.
- No. The other conversation.
I gave away billions of money for you.
You shouldn't have done that.
Naomi?
My mum's dead.
I know.
And I am so... I'm so, so sorry.
But...
...I can't be her replacement.
Okay.
I used to have in my apartment...
...a rather large,
incredibly decadent magnetic bed.
Thought "This bed is gonna
make me truly happy. "
This is the one thing that my life requires,
is a floating magnetic bed.
When I get that, I'll be happy.
And my companion that evening was, um...
What's a euphemistic way to say it
that doesn't sound unpleasant? Um...
A prostitute. And...
We tried to prize open the door
of the fish tank...
...because we thought
we could make a phone call.
Broke the door off of the fish tank.
The fish came flooding out.
I nearly drowned.
It wasn't without its amusing moments,
but it took a spiritual toll on me...
...and none of these phone boxes, nor
magnetic beds could fill the hole within me.
I spent a lot of my life embarrassing
my family and people that care about me.
But I've made amends with my mother
now. As much as you can with a dragon.
I'm six months clean today.
Congratulations.
I think this is the most
I've ever valued a coin.
Next.
Next in line, please.
That's 12.50.
NAOMl: Lady Liberty wrapped
her giant green arms...
...around the Chrysler Building
one last time.
And then she carefully walked
back to her own island.
Even though they'll
always live apart...
...they'll still stand a little taller
and shine a little brighter...
...because they shared an adventure.
The end.
It's question time.
Does anybody have any questions?
I have a question.
Does anybody mind
if I tell another story?
- I mind.
- Me too.
You sound like Harry Potter.
Yeah, well, is that a bad thing?
He's a great wizard.
Listen, it's quite a good story,
and if no one here minds...
Uh, excuse me, sorry.
- I'd really like the opportunity
to tell it.
If that's okay, um...
Once upon a time, there was a prince.
Handsome, he was.
He fell in love with a princess
from Queens.
- Are you a girl or a boy?
- Doesn't matter.
The fact is,
he loved this princess so much...
...that he was prepared
to give up his kingdom for her...
...but she turned him away.
- What a bitch.
- She was not. Why would you say that?
She did the right thing,
it turns out...
...because this prince
had a little bit of a problem with...
...candy. He couldn't get enough candy.
- Do you mean drugs?
No. No. Where did you grow up?
Meth?
- No.
Crack?
- No. It was just booze.
Look, this isn't working. Okay.
What I came here to say to you,
Naomi, is that I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I lied to you.
I'm sorry that I hurt you.
And I'm sorry
that I asked you to take care of me...
...when what I want more than anything
in the world is to take care of you.
And I think that's the end of the story.
Ew!
Hey, what's wrong with you?
This is just two adults
kissing in a room full of children.
So how's the real world treating you?
Oh, I've learned mostly that I should
just try and live simply now.
- It's better for me.
- What is this?
Bitterman! Why?
You said, "This is the girl I can buy
back with a fleet of movie cars. "
I said this is a girl I can't buy back
with a fleet of movie cars.
- Oh.
- Specifically, I said "can't. "
Get rid of...
Just get rid of them. It's embarrassing.
- So I guess your mother forgave you.
- Yeah, yeah, you know.
I got my inheritance in return
for running the Bach charity discreetly.
Should we just take the subway?
Which one's the fastest?
Through the park, please, Bitterman.