As Real As You Make It (2022) Movie Script
1
- Ladies and gentlemen.
And thank you for coming out today.
The play is called "Our Town."
The name of the town is
Governor's Corner Square, New Hampshire.
Well, I best show you how our town lies.
- Really, George, you look, well,
honestly, I'm shocked at
how well you're holding up.
- Call me a Pinocchio 'cause
I got no strings on me.
- You mean you're really over it?
- My wife thinks she's wounding me,
but in fact she's making me
stronger than ever before.
- A tribute to the modern man.
I was gonna drink that.
- George, you're not turning in, are you?
I just wanted to say goodnight
if you're headed to bed.
- Well, I'm heading to bed.
- Then goodnight.
- Afternoon ladies.
- Bonsoir, petite fouine.
- I can't believe our
family's committed such a sin.
- Mother's affair?
- Mother's party. I'm aggrieved.
- Didn't you plan this thing?
- Yes, but the guests are entirely hers.
Utterly boring. Utterly sinful.
- Feel free to see a priest,
if you're so banged up about it.
- Can you confess on
behalf of your family?
- I should hope so
or you are going to hell.
- Ugh!
- Where's she going?
- To break something, I'm sure.
She's been in a worse way
ever since mother started screwing Jimmy.
- Hm, she'll get over it.
- Mother? No.
Jimmy's a real John, if
you know what I mean.
- Annette.
- Over it.
Oh, come on now, Jack.
I would've thought you
knew us better by now.
- You too?
- Family habit.
- Whoa.
Where'd you get all these?
- Mrs. Baldwin next door.
- Ah, don't you think she'll miss them?
- She hasn't yet.
- Well, hi-de-do.
Who's this?
- Good afternoon.
I'm looking for the man of the house.
- George or Jimmy?
- Ooh. Is this multiple choice?
- Should I call the police?
- Madam?
You would call the cops on
the evening's entertainment?
- Entertainment?
No one said anything about entertainment.
And I planned this thing!
- Wait, weren't
you just complaining
about the party being boring?
- I was complaining
about the party-goers being boring.
Entertainment, you said?
- So I did.
- Well, well, well, this
party's getting less dull
by the minute.
Do I know you?
- Find yourself in the back alleys often?
- You aren't homeless?
- Unhoused is how you say it now.
- What's with the goggles?
- Well, we had to do something
while we waited for the entertainment.
- So you've been expecting me?
- I always expect to be entertained.
- Must be nice.
- It's dreadful, actually.
From pleasure to pleasure without a trace
of melancholic recess
to look inside one's soul for reflection.
You must know yourself very well.
- Melancholia is as much a distraction.
- Oh, he's good.
- Wow.
What all this food for?
- Oh, well, it's juicy news, Norman.
My parents have been married for 30 years,
maybe not happily, but married, you know.
And the craziest thing
happened only two nights ago.
Jimmy, who my mother's been sleeping with
for quite some time, father's assistant,
former assistant, moved in.
- Can you believe this?
After all this time. Love.
- So it's a housewarming
party for your mother's lover
at your father's house?
- Well, it's as much her
house as it is his, Norman.
As much as it is my house or Sylvia's.
Don't get caveman about it.
Speak of the devil.
- Now, who's this?
- This is Norman.
- You haven't seen your sister?
I know she went running off somewhere.
- I haven't seen her
since Norman appeared.
- Annette, be civil.
Enjoy the party, Norman.
I'm gonna go powder my nose.
- Where's she really going?
- To screw Jimmy on the
front lawn for all I know.
Hard to keep up.
- Well, see it wasn't money
you were after, after all.
Silly of me to ignore a man's first need.
- Here's an idea, Sylvia,
why don't you shove a meatball
in the pretty little mouth
and shut the hell up.
- No food for you, Annette?
Don't wanna throw it up in
front of your new boy toy?
- Who's that?
- You.
- No, no.
Who is that?
- Not the Tims.
Daddy's partners.
- Where's George?
- I don't know if you've noticed,
but we're having a bit of a get together.
- Ah, we have noticed.
And what's with the no invite?
- No party worth going to has invites.
- We just want a word with George.
- Well, he's unavailable right now,
so you'll have to take
it up with his assistant.
- Jimmy?
- Different assistant.
New assistant.
Norman.
- Yes.
- This is your father's assistant?
- That's right.
- Kind of dirty for George's taste.
- He just did a scene from a play.
You wouldn't get it.
- Hey, we love the theater.
- Well then make with
the theatrics already.
- All right.
You think you're pretty clever, eh,
Norman, was it?
- Was it?
- Anything you can say to my
father, you can say to him.
You know what to do, Norman.
- Oh, and you tell George
we know what he did.
- And we are not happy about it.
- Tim.
- Um.
Hey, hey, hey. Wait, wait.
- You tell George, next time
we crash more than his party.
- Don't leave.
You really add something to this party.
- What's that? Humanity?
- I don't think you've
treated me fairly, Norman.
- Oh. Well, excuse me.
- I agree.
The behaviors of others was circumspect.
Mine was spot on.
- Yeah, and what behaviors are those?
- Genuine intrigue.
So what if I'm a little spoiled?
I'm rich, can't help that.
I offered you an invitation to a party
on friendliness alone.
- Agreed.
And I can assure you,
I can be quite mad at a group of people
and myself at the same time.
- I don't want you to
be upset with yourself.
- Yes, you do.
- Goodbye.
- For long?
- Forever.
- Oh, what's your address?
- 2020 Alley Way.
- I'll write!
- Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
- Hello Norman.
- This could have been anybody's tent.
- But it wasn't. It was yours.
2020 Alley Way, was it?
This is the first tent
I've been in, you know.
I mean, street tent.
I've seen them everywhere,
but this is the first.
I was just so curious,
I couldn't help myself.
- Sure.
- Here's the thing, Norman.
I feel awful.
I mean, truly awful.
And I can't have our first fight ending
with you walking away that.
- First fight?
Listen Annette.
- I just love the way you say my name.
I could just melt.
- Wish you would.
- Let me ask you something.
- Okay? Then you'll leave my tent?
- No promises.
- Okay?
- Why do you live here?
How does this happen?
- This whole climate thing, you know?
I wanted to go green though,
I'm here doing my part.
- Oh, quite sensible.
- Quite.
- You see, Norman,
we're going to be seeing
quite a lot of each other.
- How do you figure?
- Well...
- Annette, this is your father.
I'm recording myself on this machine
instead of asking you in person
because I've told your
mother I was going to bed
and it's very important I keep up
the appearance of hostility.
At any rate, that friend
of yours who the Tims hit,
tell him I'm hiring him
as my personal assistant.
- He was very impressed.
- With what? How I took a punch?
- Apparently! You're hired!
You're daddy's new assistant.
- I don't believe I applied for it.
- Well, if you change your mind,
you'll also wanna change your clothes.
And I do hope that you do.
Change your mind, that is.
Norman?
Do you believe in love at first sight?
- No.
- Me either.
I'll see you tomorrow, Norman.
- Hello?
- I Just had the greatest idea ever.
Pen. Pen.
Do you have a pen sweet bean?
- Good morning, Norman.
- Oh.
Good morning.
- So you came after all.
- So I did.
- For me?
- For the job, of course.
- Of course.
- The assistant job.
- You're not taking Jimmy's place.
- Your father hiring me.
- I do vaguely remember
something like that.
- Vaguely?
- You're absolutely
the most attractive man
I've ever seen, Norman.
- Um, excuse me?
- Don't you wanna talk,
get to know each other?
- Maybe later.
I have just started the job.
- Norman, you may not very well believe
in love at first sight.
- That's what you
remember from last night?
- You see, I have a confession to make.
You're in love with me.
In fact, you're crazy about me.
- Am not.
- Didn't you come in here for a pen?
- Hey...
You...
Well?
- Well.
- Say I was to agree to this
indecent proposal of yours.
- There's nothing indecent
about love, Norman.
- Something very indecent
about a hostage situation.
- Not in Stockholm there isn't.
- We're non Stockholm.
What would a relationship
of this nature entail?
- I suspect there's
something happening here.
- Between us?
Okay, you're right.
So there is.
- I knew it.
- A business agreement.
- A contract.
- A verbal contract that
I will entertain the idea
of being your lover on the
terms that I keep my job.
- It's a start.
- Your pen.
- Who the fuck are you?
- Be a dear, Sylvia,
and do call the police.
We seem to have a strange
assistant in our home.
- Where do I know your face from?
- Probably from a wanted poster.
He's probably doing this bit
in every house in the hills.
You know they're desperate to work.
- You were at the party last night.
- So George's new assistant.
Well, there you go, Jimmy,
he finally got over you.
- Well, so long as you never do.
- Jimmy.
- I see you have a new scheme.
- Isn't Norman great?
- I'm sorry? Is he not your father?
- Who? Jimmy?
Mother's lover?
- Oh my God.
- You're the lover?
- Look at him.
Little nugget's getting it.
- He just moved in with me, dear.
- Daddy's office is up the
stairs from the living room.
Nice of you to stop in
on breakfast though.
Looks like you've helped the whole family.
- Don't be late for work, Norman.
He's a very demanding employer.
- Norman, you wasteful sod.
You ungrateful, meandering
time-wasting sonufabitch.
Haul it in, son.
We gonna do business or
we gonna do business?
What the hell is this?
You work in the movies now, Norm.
Doesn't mean you're at the movies.
You want popcorn, Norm?
Want me to grab some
Goobers while I'm at it?
Did you think this would be the job,
sitting around looking at my hard work?
- What would you like me to do?
- What do I want you to do?
- For God's sake, Norm,
you are a personal assistant in Hollywood.
Everything. I want you to do everything.
This is the nature of your job.
Do you have any idea the kind of nonsense
these saps put me through, Norm?
Any idea?
- Enlighten me.
- Look at this.
Take a peek.
I get two screenplays a
day, every day of the year.
You know why they do it, Norman?
Do you know why?
To piss me off, that's why.
Sure, they could email them but look,
see how it bulges in the middle?
They only put brads in two holes,
but they punched three holes.
It's every script, Norman.
It's like Chinese water torture.
I want you to fix things, Norman.
I want you to fix things.
That's what I want from you.
Starting with my headache.
I take a martini every three hours.
And as you may have noticed,
I've been up for longer than three hours.
And yet, no martini.
- You want a martini?
- No.
I'd like a perfect martini.
Bring me the perfect martini.
Or don't you ever show
your face here again.
No. Scratch that.
God, just do the martini.
I need it.
I need it, Norman.
I'm stressed and I need it.
- Then Mr. Moffett, you shall have it.
- I planned to be there
when daddy inevitably sent you
to make the perfect martini,
but Sylvia wanted to try on some wigs
and she really does need
help putting them on,
so here we are!
Here we go, the recipe
for a perfect martini:
One jigger of gin.
Not one and a half, not two, just one.
Half a jigger sweet vermouth.
Half an ounce of olive juice.
This recipe is of course
built upon the assumption
you know what a jigger is?
Funny word, jigger. I
can't put my finger on it,
but there's something about
that word I don't much like.
And then, you know,
ice, stir, serve, olive.
- Annette, wigs, now!
- Good luck, Norman!
- About time, isn't it, Norm?
What the hell, Norman?
I told you to make a double.
- You wanted two martinis?
- Come on, Norm.
One for me, one for Jack.
I'm not an alcoholic.
Terribly sorry about this.
New hire.
- Thanks, Norman.
- Mm-hm.
- Could have made yourself one, Norman.
- It's better for
everyone if I don't drink.
- You're always welcome
to, just remember that.
No shame in a little dependency.
Some folks have God, we have vodka.
- I believe this is yours.
- Where in the world did
you come across this?
- Your daughter.
- You've spent time with
both of my daughters.
What do you think of them?
Honest opinion.
- They're lovely.
- Ah. Both of them?
- Mm-hm, in a strictly professional sense.
- You bet your ass, strictly
in a professional sense.
You listen to me and close,
there is nothing but
the professional sense
between you and any of
the women in my family.
Do you understand?
- George is still reeling
from the loss of his wife.
- Yeah. Loss.
It's Jimmy who'll lose.
But I've made my point, haven't I, Norm?
The most important thing that
you and I are of one mind.
- All right, shut the
fuck up about your wife.
Look, last night at the party,
you told me you had my next job for me.
- Be my guest.
- "Piss Jug" by Jake Donahue.
- "River Runs East," written
by Gregory Pinkerton.
Look George, I thought you had some things
ready to go into production.
Okay, I could use the money
sooner rather than later.
- We could all use the money, Jack.
I could use $21 million if you happen
to have it lying around.
- Don't tell me the wells run dry.
- I wonder, Norman, do you
think of a ringing office phone
falls under the purview
of an office assistant?
Or is it a boss kind of thing?
Maybe I can answer it.
- Honolulu Lullaby, by Pinky Dinkler.
- Listen here, you
monstrously insignificant
embryo of a man.
If this deal sinks, we all sink.
But you'll sink further.
You understand?
You'll sink so far, the titanic
will look like the surface
from where you are.
- Please hold.
- How hard is it to
get a picture made these days?
- I'm not made of money. Jack.
- You practically shit money, George.
- Then let me finish my coffee
and you can pick the
gold for my droppings.
- Excuse me, sir.
- What is it, Norman?
- I believe it's for you.
- Of course it's for me.
They're all for me.
It's my office.
What did they say?
That's the job, telling me what they said.
Not that they're all for me.
- Listen, here, you
monstrously insignificant
embryo of a man.
- Damn, Norm, I didn't
mean anything by it.
- Verbatim, sir.
- I see.
- Start.
If this sinks, we all sink,
but you'll sink even further.
You understand?
You'll sink so far the Titanic
will look like the surface
from where you are.
End.
- Some Humphrey Bogart stuff right there.
What do you think it means?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll
call 'em back, Norm.
- I'll take anything, George.
Even a commercial.
- Thank you,
Mr. Moffett will call you back
at his earliest convenience.
- Wait, wait, wait.
- I'm laying low for a few months.
And when that's done,
you'll be the first one I call.
- You sodden, salty, crusted old...
Who is that? That breathing?
You tell me if you're
recording this, George.
- Stupid little pigeon man.
- Who was it?
- Pigeon salesman.
- We don't need any more.
- Am I to assume these are the Tims?
- One of 'em.
Who's this?
- Norman.
- Norman.
- Hang it up Norman. We got business.
Look, go through this
mountain for me Jack.
And by the time you're through,
we'll have enough money
for three pictures.
- You owe me, George.
Believe that's for you.
Clean it up.
- The rights, Norman.
We know about the rights.
- Poor sap.
Wins one South by South West
and thinks I owe him
a swing at the Oscars.
Who was on the phone?
- The Tims.
They know about the rights.
- Goddammit, Norman, we're in a pickle.
Hell of a first day.
- Well, loop me in, sir, I'm here to help.
- Tell me, and and tell me truthfully,
given your situation, I
mean your previous situation
as you were...
- Homeless?
- Well, Annette says I
have to say unhoused.
What do you know about larceny?
- What do I know about theft
because I was homeless?
- Grand theft, sabotage.
Strictly white collar stuff.
- Oh, my collar hasn't been
white for some time, sir.
- Yeah. Yeah.
You've met my wife.
And her lover.
- Jimmy. Yeah.
I met him over breakfast.
He called me Nugget.
- He's such a...
You were late because you
had breakfast with Jimmy?
- What does this have
to do with larceny, sir?
- Ah, I knew you knew more
than you were letting on.
- Ha-ha, on accident, I can assure you.
- My wife, Norm.
She's stolen from me.
- How much?
- $21 Million.
- Oh my.
- No, mine.
And it couldn't come at the worst time.
- Is there a good time
for $21 million to vanish?
- Well, I'll tell you
an especially bad time,
when I've been given that
money by my business partners
in order to buy a certain
intellectual property.
- The rights.
- It's all the Tims' money.
Every gleaming peso.
It was meant to purchase "The Humans."
- Which humans?
- The play, you nimrod.
The award-winning play.
Have you ever heard of the theater?
- Okay, so Rosemary
stole it from under you,
that's the idea.
- Bank confirmed, she initiated a transfer
from my business account
to an offshore account
in Sydney, Australia.
- Well, you should have gone
to the authorities, sir.
- She's my wife, Norman.
Well sure, she made a cuckhold of me.
She's still the love of
my goddamn life, Norman.
And if she feels she has to
steal 21 million from me,
whatever the reason, then
she's gonna steal 21 million
from me and not a penny less.
- That's oddly moving.
- I've not been a good husband.
That doesn't mean I'm gonna
send my wife to the slammer.
- Sure.
- Now what the hell are
you still doing here?
- I'm, I'm sorry?
- You're supposed to be cross town meeting
with Warren Gabel.
- The actor?
- You know him?
- Can I get
you guys anything else?
- No.
- Well, this is strange, I'll admit it.
- Not exactly how I
planned my morning either.
- What the hell are you doing, Sam?
- I think I'm supposed to convince you
to star in George Moffett's movie.
- No, I know why we are here.
But the specificities of your
engagement with the Moffett's,
it's beyond me.
- Warren, it's nothing too strange.
Actually, the whole
thing is beyond strange.
- Man, last time I saw you
was closing night of our play.
Which one was it?
- "Norman."
- Right, "Norman."
Yeah.
Week later you divorced Catherine.
- Other way around.
- God, how long has it been, Sam?
- Warren, I'm homeless.
- You mean unhoused?
- Yes.
- Does Catherine know?
- Mm-mm.
And it seems you and
I are gonna be working
in the same circles and
I prefer your discretion.
- About your condition, you mean.
- I'm not going by Sam these days.
- You got an actor's alias.
- I go by Norman.
- Jesus Christ.
- It's just a favor.
- Not a healthy favor.
What does George Moffett wanna do with me?
- You were in "The Humans" a year ago.
He's filming an adaptation of the piece
and he wants you to reprise Richard.
- No shit?
- It's a good role.
- Sure it is.
The Goldheart Sisters
offered it to me last week.
- The who?
- George couldn't possibly
have the rights to it.
- We're working on it.
- Well, you've been beat to the punch.
I've already been cast.
- The Goldhearts?
You're sure he said the Goldhearts?
- I'm quite sure.
- Well, that's bad news, Norm.
You don't know these young women,
real Jane Fonda types,
if you catch my drift,
after my masculine pride.
- I'm sure you'll heal.
- I want you to follow that paper trail
and see what putz bought those
rights out from under me.
- Here you go, sir.
- Didn't the Goldhearts buy the rights?
- You are a real Jesus
Christ, you know that?
- Thank you?
- Find those rights now.
- Yes, sir.
- And don't let
the Tims find out this time.
- Tell me something, Sylvia.
- Must we always talk?
- Why do you think we're
supposed to say unhoused
instead of homeless?
- Here I was hoping for
something a little more bechdian.
- I think unhoused puts
the blame on others
because unhoused is something
that happens to a person
as opposed to homelessness,
which happens because of a person.
- I don't wanna talk about this.
- Only because you have a house.
- No, only because one of
them is in the next room.
- This isn't about Norman.
- Oh, no?
- No! It's about his neighbors.
- Greater than you have
cashed in a bleeding heart
for a pass at responsibility.
We're just lucky your little
product isn't mentally ill.
- Well, we don't know that yet.
- What?
- Well, I can't just say
one way or the other,
whether or not he is in
fact not mentally ill.
- And you didn't think that
little detail was important?
- People have called us mentally ill.
- And yet I have learned
to live with myself.
- I'm glad someone has.
- While I have to live with myself,
I do not have to live with him.
- Do I get to choose
between the two of you?
- Would you like to choose
between your inheritance and a tent?
Do you ever think we need more friends?
- There's some business for you.
- Oh, that doesn't sound right.
Jimmy.
- Just an appointment coming
through, I think on Friday.
- Let me see that.
- It's strictly for Rosemary.
- Oh, let him. Norman.
It's only Jimmy, he signs for everything.
- It's your mail.
- Oh. And Normy, you'll
put out some sandwiches
for this afternoon?
- You know, not to be a nag...
- Oh, nag away.
- That seems outside the scope of my job.
- Really? A few finger sandwiches.
I know the twins will be
starving after their ordeal.
- Ordeal?
- Oh, something to do in the Congo.
I'll let them explain it.
- Sure.
One last thing.
- Shoot.
- Do we like the twins?
- You really must go.
There isn't a place quite like
the Democratic Republic of Congo.
- Somehow neither
Democratic or a Republic.
- But all Congo.
But the boeuf bourguignon,
practically from Paris itself.
- One of the help had slipped
something in her food.
- Ended up just being a
bad case of food poisoning.
- There's this great restaurant there.
- Well, not so much restaurant.
- More in internment camp.
More indentured prisoner war than chef,
but you get the idea.
They take tourism very
seriously in the DRC.
And you don't even notice the Malaria.
- Unless you get it.
Anyway, he was shot the day after.
Remember that time I
thought I had malaria,
but it ended up just being food poisoning.
But the best part, and I can't
even begin to make this up.
- I had malaria that whole time.
- How exciting.
- Norman, Norman, Norman.
- Sylvia.
- So what's the plan?
Are you going to kill us in our sleep?
- Well, I hadn't thought of
it, but it's a good backup
just in case the job doesn't go well.
- I'm just trying to determine
how worried I should be.
- That's funny, I was
doing the same thing.
- Well, fortunately for you,
you aren't going to last long
enough for that to matter.
- Any advice?
- Stay on my good side.
- I'm not sure I've seen one.
- One word from me and you
are back on the street.
O vous appartenez.
- I heard you scheming.
- I heard you breathing.
- Norman isn't going anywhere.
- Is this one of those...
- Mm, no, you know what? Nevermind.
I think I'm gonna watch this one play out.
- You're going to leave Norman alone
is what you're going to do.
- And you're gonna be one to
make me, tough little sister?
- A kick to the teeth will make you.
- Oh, aren't you quite
the brute these days?
- I'm the boss about this, got it?
About Norman.
- You've fallen in love with a stray,
but you know we're gonna have to take him
to the pound eventually.
And what about when father finds out
that you've been trying
to screw his assistant?
- Daddy isn't going to find out
unless you also want him to find out
about the actual reason you were forced
to take a gap year off of college.
- Well, if he ever finds that out
it's your own teeth I'd be worried about.
- Good morning, Norman.
- Good morning, Annette.
Sorry to say I won't have time
for our usual fencing match.
- En guard.
- Pret.
Why in the world do you
know so much about fencing?
- Private school.
What's your excuse?
- Homelessness isn't as
peaceful as it seems.
- The Tims?
- Sounds like it.
- When you're done enjoying
your job, feel free to enjoy me.
We do have a deal after all.
You forgot the Martinis.
- Come on.
I've been busy with other things.
You know, Rosemary and Jimmy
have been sleeping together
and I've been very distracted about it.
- Oh, please.
Everyone knows Rosemary and Jimmy
have been boinking since
that Shakespeare flick.
- Sex is sex.
George, you'll do it.
She'll do it.
We all do it.
We don't all, however, string
our colleagues out to dry.
$21 million and no rights?
- I'm working on it.
- I'm gonna give it to you straight.
George, we took a vote.
Kidnapping.
Blackmail.
I don't know, we're not
used to this kind of thing,
but we had to do something.
- Landed on the physical option.
- Either you find a way outta this mess
or we break your legs.
- Well, you don't mean both of them.
- Well, we we don't want
to half-ass anything.
- Put it to a vote, yeah?
- Quicker.
- Martinis?
- Right on time, Norman,
I was just telling the Tims
how you landed the rights to "The Humans."
- Really?
- Oh yes.
- Well, good for me.
- Yes.
Just secure them.
- Well, then I guess that
means I deserve a raise.
- Yes. I suppose you do.
- Good for you, Norman.
I do enjoy classic
Hollywood success stories.
- Yes. Yes.
We're all very impressed
with Norman's ability
to climb a ladder.
But I wanna see "The
Humans" on the big screen.
- Are you even listening to me?
I said I'm taking care of it.
- You better hope so, George.
- Can I help you?
- Just keep going, I'm recording.
- Keep going with what?
- I think he wants raw footage
of the bitch in the wild.
Like a National Geographic kind of thing.
- Yes, exactly.
Just give me some real sister talk.
- My god, Jimmy, you know Father
won't let you stay here forever.
- Jimmy, dear.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I can't stand to watch myself on film.
- Well, then I won't
show it to you, darling.
- Well, let's not be extreme.
Did you choose a movie for tonight?
- We are right here.
Your children are right here.
If you wanna cheat on
Father, go right ahead.
But can you at least hide
it a little bit better?
- Hide what? True love.
Your father wouldn't know it
if it was right in front of 'em anyways.
Jimmy, what's the movie about?
- It's a retelling of
the "Song of Solomon"
as told through the eyes of a desperate up
and coming on Broadway.
I hear there's a Can Can line at the end.
- Oh, like Paris!
- Just like Paris.
- Oh, look at my
sweet little daughters hanging.
Isn't that nice? Huh?
- How's the move coming, Jimbo?
Settling in nicely?
- Don't worry, George.
Rosemary and I will be outta
your hair lickety split.
You don't mind if we dive into
a little family discussion,
do you, Jimmy?
- Oh, let me get it from the wide.
- Just like Lawrence of Arabia!
This isn't gonna be one of those
long movie meetings, is it?
- As a matter of fact, it is, dear wife.
I produce movies.
I do not produce the want and desires
of your black little hearts.
- Not this again, Daddy.
- Yes. Yes.
This again.
- Well, maybe we don't
have to talk about movies.
- Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
- Yeah!
- Ugh, George.
Why is it always movies with you?
It's either bounce
checks or false profits.
- Now you've upset Jimmy.
Why do you do that?
He was such a good assistant.
- He slept with my wife.
- I am not your property, George.
- God.
- You're just drunk.
- I have had only three martinis today
and I'm entirely coherent.
- What's this family meeting for?
- For a family enterprise.
We're gonna make a movie together,
a real Moffett family picture.
We're doing "The Humans," with
Sylvia and Annette to star,
Jack to direct and me to produce.
- You don't own the rights to
"The Humans" though, George.
- How the hell do you know that?
- Because I was
your goddamn assistant.
- George, please.
You're upsetting Jimmy.
- Throw Jimmy off a cliff for all I care.
- Well, I never.
- How much does it pay?
- You're family, you'll
do it for back-end points.
- Ugh!
- La vie cruelle d'une actrice.
- Besides, who needs rights?
We'll sell it in, on the
internet, in Thailand.
In Times Square for all I care.
Anywhere where infringement
is a proud tradition.
- Don't mind me.
- Daddy was just giving us the rundown
on his mildly Producers-esq plan.
- It's nothing like The Producers.
- No, it's half as funny
and twice as desperate.
- Oh, fuck off, Jimmy.
- We should get paid up front.
- There is no money.
That's why I'm hiring you.
- Independent film, so '90s.
If I'm to be honest...
- We've got no choice.
It's a movie together
or the streets together.
- I know some prime real
estate if you guys are looking.
- If cutting money would help,
how about this business
of employing the homeless?
I think we would all prefer
not to be shanked in the night.
- Shanked?
What's that?
What does shanked mean?
- No one's getting shanked.
- I can nearly guarantee it.
- Oh, nearly, he says.
- Norman, you wouldn't
shank me, would you?
- Would you come into my
tent, try to steal my food?
- Never.
- No, I won't shank you.
- Context tells me shanked is
like a form of self-defense.
- Am I the only one who's
going to acknowledge
that he still lives in a tent?
- Oh, Sylvia, many people live in tents.
- Look, all I'm saying is
that we don't know anything
about some people.
That may be a background
check might be in order?
Did you know we still don't
know if he's mentally ill?
- Shut your mouth!
- Sorry, if I value my going-on-living.
- You won't go on living
talking like that.
- Jimmy?
Would you like to get a
snack before we leave?
I know you hate those concession prices.
- Jimmy, I'm gonna murder you one day.
I want you to be able to look back
and realize that this is
the moment I told you so.
- I dunno why Father couldn't
have hired a professional
to replace Jimmy.
- Oh honey.
George, now you're doing
it to your own daughter.
- Not this again.
- Norman only just got here.
- It's nothing personal, little sis.
It's just that father here
is looking to save money
and we've got a bum on the payroll.
Easy math.
- George, don't get
between Annette and Norman.
- I've said nothing about firing Norman.
- Can't you
see she's fond of him?
The two are already best friends.
- Annette. Annette.
- I'm sure your father
will make the right choice,
Annette, don't panic.
- No! Oh, oh!
- I'm going to kill myself.
- I knew it.
I knew you were gonna
fucking do this, Annette.
Goddammit, just do it!
- George, do something.
She's gonna shoot herself!
- That's a prop gun.
- I'll do it. I'll really do it.
- Oh, no, no, no, honey.
Put the gun away.
Sh, sh, sh, come, come.
- There you go, just...
- Don't take my gun.
- Oh, honey, nobody's gonna take your gun.
You keep your gun, okay, honey?
You just relax.
- This act is getting old, sis.
Do you wanna have a Coke?
Do you want me to put on a movie?
- I only wanna die.
- Aww.
- To forget how to feel.
- Well, I can have Norman
go and get you a Coke,
would that help?
- Oh, Norman.
- Oh that's it, I'm out.
- Um, I, how about I
make everyone Martinis?
- Read the room, Norm.
Everybody's doing the
movie, no matter what.
You too, Norm.
Hope you can act.
- Is Sylvia still over there?
- No, she left, honey.
But Norman's here, will that cheer you up?
Jimmy, get my coat, honey, and my shoes.
I don't wanna miss the previews.
- They're gonna
keep you after all, Norman.
Oh, it's only a prop.
Still a pretty good actor.
We're gonna be in a
movie together, Norman.
On the silver screen, Norman.
- We should have some very
strict rules, Catherine.
- Who the hell is Catherine?
- Oh my God, I'm sorry, I'm...
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- I can be a Catherine.
- No, you can't come in here.
- It's my house.
- It's your parents' house.
- And mine one day, but
it's besides the point.
I just wanted to talk some more.
- Later, not in here.
- You would kiss me and
then demand I leave?
- I would kiss you, you say?
- This is a quick moving
romance, isn't it?
To think, before I hardly even knew you,
and yet here we are.
Bathrooms are for private things,
we could be doing anything in here.
- Yes, and yet here you are.
- Don't you seen Norman?
Now that you're here to stay,
we don't have to keep
this a secret anymore.
- I can assure you, I spoke to
your father about such things
and coming out as his daughter's lover
is counter productive.
Just ask his last assistant.
Excuse me.
- Well, that's fine.
We can keep it secret.
All the great loves are kept secret.
- Haven't you heard of professionalism?
If you had my job,
would you be your lover?
- I've never had a job before, Norman.
There's no telling how I'd behave.
- You do want me to stay
in this house with you,
right Annette, as long as I can?
- More than anything.
- Then I need to keep my job.
- And I'll be very secret.
- You're very handsome, Norman.
- I won't be your lover.
- Wait, you won't?
- I think I'd prefer our
relationship to be professional.
- You mean you don't like
that I followed you into the restroom?
- No, I can't say that I cared for it.
- It's this Catherine person, isn't it?
- I'll see you when I come
in for work and when I leave,
and at parties and things
I'll know you'll be at.
But I think for me, that's enough.
- But what about our kiss?
- It was only your kiss.
- Oh, Norman.
- Annette.
- Norman.
- Annette, I...
You've mastered the classes they gave
As fall turns to winter
You lost track of your center
Refuse to remember
You choose to surrender
Thoughts and memories
You'll retain these
To look back at moments you've saved
The math that they're using
Is often confusing
The truth is amusing
and rife for abusing
Day turns night and your
feelings that were spoken
Turn to spite, and the
writings on the wall
You've been mended,
you've presented the lie
Say what you'll say
Just don't be what they say you'll be
And you're trying, but you're dying
We're all dying
You're not he same
Just don't die till you c'est la vie
That's just platitudes and
I don't like your attitude
Day turns night
And your feelings never
spoken turn to spite
And the writing on the
wall you still hide
And you've mended and you've broken
You pretend you've been mended
You presented the lie
In a meadow, I will lead you
To the other side
- Who's ready for a movie?
- When do I...
- No, no, think classy.
Think Hollywood.
If all goes well, we get a movie,
and Moffett keeps his knees.
- What's with the get up?
- It matches my soul.
- Well, I like it, you look beautiful.
- I meant look distracting.
- Why not be beautifully distracting?
Well, that's my cue.
Can't say it's been a pleasure. Annette.
- Jack, you've met The twins.
- Hello.
- Evening.
- Hey, Norm.
- What?
- Ready?
- Norman.
- Tabitha!
- Ricky!
- Congo!
- Oh.
- I can't believe you
got the girls to act.
- Your daughter's coming out of retirement
before you make it to your own?
It writes itself.
- They've both had time to
process their resentment
towards their mother and me
for making them act so young.
- That's a big deal.
- How resentful can they be
after being handed a career?
That resentful?
- That's why there's a prop
gun in the house, Norm.
- I'm sure they're as talented as ever.
And Jack to direct.
- He's hot.
- He's young.
- An auteur in the making.
- Great idea.
- Truly brilliant.
- And he'll be sitting next
to you during the film.
- Actually-
- Brilliant!
- Jack, tell me, what is your experience
with Ethiopian cheeses?
- We haven't been completely
honest with each other.
- I have been nothing but honest with you.
- I just don't mean you.
- We aren't talking.
- I'd like to share something
with you if you'd let me.
- I don't talk to men who broke my heart.
- Enough with the theatrics already.
- Theatrics. Theatrics.
It's all theatrics when
it's a woman's heart.
It's all, she's a little unstable,
when really she's just a little in love.
What do you wanna talk about?
- Unstable. A little unstable?
You're a woman with the
proclivity to kill herself
if the means weren't padded as props.
- Perhaps we shouldn't be
honest with each other.
- Psst, Norman.
We've got trouble in paradise.
The Goldhearts are here.
- Start with cocktails?
- So the infamous
Goldheart sisters are suing me.
- You stole our movie.
- You stole my movie.
- Be fair,
it's kind of our movie.
- Well we have an
investor, a rights holder,
and a production that says it's our movie.
You don't got Jack.
- Yes we do, Jack was directing.
- We'll cut the baby in half.
- Absolutely not.
- What's going on George?
What are all those papers?
- What the hell are
you winking at her for?
- How would I know, George?
- Listen, Heather, Friday,
we go into business together.
- You're gonna lose everything you got
when this gets settled in court.
If a single human being sees this movie,
we're coming for everything you own.
- Got it, so no humans
can see "The Humans."
- Lawyer up, asshole.
- They're all making a Judas out of me.
- George.
- I'm nothing but a
Judas for you to betray.
- He means Julius.
- Dad made a movie
combining the characters
of the passion and Julius Caesar.
But he's never been to church,
so he gets the characters mixed.
- It was a confusing movie.
- And one of you is the Brutas.
- He means Judas.
- One of you told the Goldhearts
we were doing our little production.
We're the only ones who knew.
- I think that's not entirely true.
I think I might have
mentioned to Warren Gabel
that we were pursuing the film,
and he might have told the Goldhearts.
- Et tu Norman.
Take your 20 pieces of silver and leave.
Great Julius Caesar!
- What are you doing?
- What do you think I'm
gonna say to you now, Norman?
- That you could really use a drink?
- You're fired, Norman.
- Daddy!
- We ever gonna talk about
why you're so good at acting?
- I just deliver my lines,
everything after that is luck.
- How about a drink?
- It's really best if I don't.
Goodbye, Sylvia.
- Do you really think I don't know?
I clocked it nearly the
moment we first met.
I know who you really are, Norman.
- I'd be forever indebted to
you if you could tell me who.
- You are a man who knows better
than to turn down the good stuff.
Sam Leonard.
Oh, that's a real name.
Good golden age name.
An actor's name.
And if I recall, a good one too.
I've seen two of your plays, you know.
Must have left an impression.
- You wouldn't like Sam Leonard.
- To be fair, I don't
much like Norman Leonard.
- Sam was a coward.
- Mm, and now you're a master of courage?
- No, I'm saying, there's
no reason that I'm homeless.
I mean, I'm successful, I was well off.
There's people in the
city who have no choice,
and I hid behind them.
- You were only a stage actor.
How long were you in the tent?
- I spent three years in
that lonely little tent.
- No family? No nothing?
- An ex-wife somewhere.
- Ugh.
So your ex-wife is why we
aren't civil to each other?
- Am I not civil?
- Why don't you like me?
We're alike, you and I.
- We're not alike.
We're just alone.
- That we are, Sam.
That we are.
- Norman.
- No, Sam is better.
- Unhoused is better than homeless.
Sam is better than Norman.
Is there any idea you don't have
about how I should present myself?
- I only want you to be real.
- Real.
- Real.
- Ah.
You didn't have glasses?
- Oh, bougie actor too
good for the bottle?
- Oh, okay.
Let's be real then.
All right.
Yeah. Let's get real.
Tell me, please tell me
about your childhood.
Let's talk about your past.
- Someone's been hearing rumors, I see.
- I'm gonna kill myself.
Would you look at that?
- No one seems to care.
- Ah, no one ever has.
- So what, what do you think about me?
- Oh, well as Sam or as Norman?
- Dealer's choice.
- I think maybe I was wrong.
Yeah, maybe we are alike.
- No. I'm an original.
- Your sister
- Bye, Norman.
I fucked your boyfriend last night.
I frenched your boyfriend last night.
- Take it easy, tiger.
All that caffeine.
- I really shouldn't drink.
- So, Norman.
- Sam's fine.
- Do you think I wouldn't
have helped you out
if you had called?
- Sure you'd have.
There are dozens of people who would've.
- Because Catherine divorced you?
- Catherine isn't who bothers me anymore.
I love Annette Moffett.
I've loved her from the first
moment she told me that I did.
- Look, you don't love her.
- I do too.
- Then why aren't you with her?
- Aren't you listening? I'm nuts.
- She's nuts.
- I was fired.
- Then you don't have
to quit them after all.
- I was fired because
you told the Goldhearts
we had a production.
- Me? No, I would never
in a million years.
- Good. I'm just making sure.
- You're really guns
blazing today, aren't you?
What's that?
- This is Mrs. Moffett's mail.
I picked it up when I
was drunk last night.
- You really shouldn't drink.
- How's about I pay you
500 to turn a trick for me?
- What kind?
- Guns blazing kind.
- Who's the cowboy?
- Where's the gun?
- It's just a prop.
- He didn't know that.
- What seems to be the trouble?
Warren?
- No.
Goldhearts don't like that
you're helping Moffett
get this picture up.
They don't like it one bit, Jimmy.
- I'm not.
I'm not. I'm not.
I'm their business partner, I promise.
- We both know that Rosemary
is their business partner.
- You've been in bed with dad's assistant
and his competition?
- Is that why the Goldhearts
were winking at you last night?
- Really, this
family is too much.
- Let me clear a few things.
- Oh, that makes sense.
- Oh, I get it!
- One thing is abundantly clear.
Jimmy has been playing
you all the whole time.
- I pitched that to you five years ago.
I wanted to do "The Humans."
We were meant to be partners.
- Doesn't a ring a bell.
- And then you, you went and
pitched to the Tims without me.
- You made a cuckhold of me, you fool.
It was retribution.
- You stole from me,
George, so I stole from you.
I stole your wife.
I stole your money.
I ratted you out to the Goldhearts.
"The Humans" is my movie.
- You should really read your mail.
- That's your job.
- It was my job.
- Is your job.
Obviously you're rehired.
- So what do you say we
drop the suit and keep on.
- So should we sign papers?
- So it was all
just a big misunderstanding.
- I can't believe it
was you we were working with
this whole time.
- We just
thought you were cutting
your husband out of the deal.
- Are you okay?
- Who knew I
was so good at business?
- Love makes me sick.
- He may be an idiot
and he may lose his
priorities easily at times,
but he's my husband.
- Yeah.
- And I love him.
- Yeah, me too.
- Why can't love be real, Sylvia?
- Who says it isn't?
- Life says it isn't.
Real life.
- You really like him?
Then just throw yourself in the man's arms
and get it over with.
- You're the one he kissed.
- If Norman walked in this room right now
do you think he would
even notice I was here?
- I love you.
I love you.
Not Annette, come with me!
Come with me.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- If Norman walked in here right now,
do you think he would
even notice I was here?
Go on.
Tell him how you feel.
Love is as real as you make it, Annie.
- Where is everyone?
- Stepped out for a bit, celebrating.
- But you stayed behind?
- Someone has to read all these contracts.
There's something I should tell you.
- Okay, me first.
You look cute in the big chair.
- Thank you.
That's what I was going for.
That or Hollywood mogul.
- Now you.
- My real name is Sam Leonard.
- Oh.
I like it.
That's all you had to say?
- Yeah.
Is that all you had to say?
- Well, pleased to meet you, Sam Leonard.
- You and I are about to
make a lot of money, Norm.
- Have fun with the business stuff.
- What's wrong with her?
- You wouldn't get it, George.
- Norman.
- Yes?
- Norman, there is something
we need to talk about.
- I can't imagine what about.
- I told Annette about us.
- It was the right thing to do.
- God, you're always so upstanding.
- Well, someone
has to be around here.
- I liked you better when you were drunk.
- I like me better when I'm drunk.
That's one of the things I'm working on.
- Norman, could
you come here a minute?
- Just a second.
- Okay, but don't forget.
- Is there something else?
- Why are you keeping my sister waiting?
- Right.
- Bye, Norman.
- Sam.
- Okay.
- We've already been
through this, Annette.
- You drove me to this Norman.
You drove me to this.
- It's Sam.
- Okay, fine, Sam.
You drove me to this.
- So what, you do this what?
Once a month?
- I do not.
Admit you love me right now.
- Or what, you're gonna shoot yourself?
- Why not?
- Well, for one, this isn't
a real gun and this is crazy.
- So, I'm crazy about you.
- Well, what do you want me to do?
You want me to tell you how I feel?
You want to pry it from my lips?
- If that what it takes.
- Did I miss the commercials?
I've seen this film so many times before.
- I'm holding Norman emotionally hostage.
- Ah, please continue.
- Don't you think this would
be better as a private moment?
I've tried it in private, Norman.
Just say it.
It isn't a big deal.
- Just say it.
- Just say it Norman.
- Please just say it.
- Just say it.
- This is a, it's a private...
- Say it Norman, just say it, please.
- Just say it Norman.
- I'm trying to think, I'm trying.
- I want you to say it.
- I'm trying, okay!
Okay! Okay! Okay!
You wanna know how I feel?
Yes, yes I believe in love at first sight.
Obviously I believe in
love at first sight.
But I must have poor vision
because it's the second time
it struck me and doesn't always end great.
- You do believe in love.
- I love you, Annette.
I've loved you since the
moment you shared a drink
in my crummy little tent.
I don't want to be in love.
I don't like being in love.
It's not fun for me.
- Fun's besides the point.
It's love, Norman.
If you love someone, you tell them.
- Not when you barely made
it through the last one.
- What's this?
- I love her.
- I just hired you back, Norman.
- Don't you dare fire him.
- Give me that.
- Oh, George.
Not you too.
We were just figuring things out.
- Norman loves me, Mommy.
- Oh good.
I love that journey for you two.
See, things are working out.
- For you twats.
- What the hell are you doing?
- It's really getting pathetic, Jimmy.
- Norman loves me.
- Oh, does he?
That's fantastic. Great.
Why don't you go Juliette
yourself over thing?
- You mean kill myself?
- Yeah!
All of you are so goddamn suicidal.
How are none of you dead yet?
- If only this thing were real.
- What the fuck?
You shot me.
Mother fucker!
- It was real?
- Ah, you bitch!
- George?
We've had a real gun in
the house the whole time?
- I could have sworn it was a prop.
- We shot a whole movie with that thing.
- And Here we
were dangerously close
to breaking Chekhov's gun rule
- It really does make all our moments
with the gun more impactful.
- Well, you
certainly impacted his leg
quite nicely.
- There you are.
- Why are you here?
Shouldn't you be calling an ambulance?
- It's only Jimmy.
- Why are you so desperate to love me?
- You really have it all backwards.
- I'm better on my own, much better.
- I don't think I'm being
too harsh when I say
you were an alcoholic
de-housed person on your own.
- Will you just...
- Yes?
- Just...
- Yes?
- Let's be done with this.
- Ladies and gentlemen.
And thank you for coming out today.
The play is called "Our Town."
The name of the town is
Governor's Corner Square, New Hampshire.
Well, I best show you how our town lies.
- Really, George, you look, well,
honestly, I'm shocked at
how well you're holding up.
- Call me a Pinocchio 'cause
I got no strings on me.
- You mean you're really over it?
- My wife thinks she's wounding me,
but in fact she's making me
stronger than ever before.
- A tribute to the modern man.
I was gonna drink that.
- George, you're not turning in, are you?
I just wanted to say goodnight
if you're headed to bed.
- Well, I'm heading to bed.
- Then goodnight.
- Afternoon ladies.
- Bonsoir, petite fouine.
- I can't believe our
family's committed such a sin.
- Mother's affair?
- Mother's party. I'm aggrieved.
- Didn't you plan this thing?
- Yes, but the guests are entirely hers.
Utterly boring. Utterly sinful.
- Feel free to see a priest,
if you're so banged up about it.
- Can you confess on
behalf of your family?
- I should hope so
or you are going to hell.
- Ugh!
- Where's she going?
- To break something, I'm sure.
She's been in a worse way
ever since mother started screwing Jimmy.
- Hm, she'll get over it.
- Mother? No.
Jimmy's a real John, if
you know what I mean.
- Annette.
- Over it.
Oh, come on now, Jack.
I would've thought you
knew us better by now.
- You too?
- Family habit.
- Whoa.
Where'd you get all these?
- Mrs. Baldwin next door.
- Ah, don't you think she'll miss them?
- She hasn't yet.
- Well, hi-de-do.
Who's this?
- Good afternoon.
I'm looking for the man of the house.
- George or Jimmy?
- Ooh. Is this multiple choice?
- Should I call the police?
- Madam?
You would call the cops on
the evening's entertainment?
- Entertainment?
No one said anything about entertainment.
And I planned this thing!
- Wait, weren't
you just complaining
about the party being boring?
- I was complaining
about the party-goers being boring.
Entertainment, you said?
- So I did.
- Well, well, well, this
party's getting less dull
by the minute.
Do I know you?
- Find yourself in the back alleys often?
- You aren't homeless?
- Unhoused is how you say it now.
- What's with the goggles?
- Well, we had to do something
while we waited for the entertainment.
- So you've been expecting me?
- I always expect to be entertained.
- Must be nice.
- It's dreadful, actually.
From pleasure to pleasure without a trace
of melancholic recess
to look inside one's soul for reflection.
You must know yourself very well.
- Melancholia is as much a distraction.
- Oh, he's good.
- Wow.
What all this food for?
- Oh, well, it's juicy news, Norman.
My parents have been married for 30 years,
maybe not happily, but married, you know.
And the craziest thing
happened only two nights ago.
Jimmy, who my mother's been sleeping with
for quite some time, father's assistant,
former assistant, moved in.
- Can you believe this?
After all this time. Love.
- So it's a housewarming
party for your mother's lover
at your father's house?
- Well, it's as much her
house as it is his, Norman.
As much as it is my house or Sylvia's.
Don't get caveman about it.
Speak of the devil.
- Now, who's this?
- This is Norman.
- You haven't seen your sister?
I know she went running off somewhere.
- I haven't seen her
since Norman appeared.
- Annette, be civil.
Enjoy the party, Norman.
I'm gonna go powder my nose.
- Where's she really going?
- To screw Jimmy on the
front lawn for all I know.
Hard to keep up.
- Well, see it wasn't money
you were after, after all.
Silly of me to ignore a man's first need.
- Here's an idea, Sylvia,
why don't you shove a meatball
in the pretty little mouth
and shut the hell up.
- No food for you, Annette?
Don't wanna throw it up in
front of your new boy toy?
- Who's that?
- You.
- No, no.
Who is that?
- Not the Tims.
Daddy's partners.
- Where's George?
- I don't know if you've noticed,
but we're having a bit of a get together.
- Ah, we have noticed.
And what's with the no invite?
- No party worth going to has invites.
- We just want a word with George.
- Well, he's unavailable right now,
so you'll have to take
it up with his assistant.
- Jimmy?
- Different assistant.
New assistant.
Norman.
- Yes.
- This is your father's assistant?
- That's right.
- Kind of dirty for George's taste.
- He just did a scene from a play.
You wouldn't get it.
- Hey, we love the theater.
- Well then make with
the theatrics already.
- All right.
You think you're pretty clever, eh,
Norman, was it?
- Was it?
- Anything you can say to my
father, you can say to him.
You know what to do, Norman.
- Oh, and you tell George
we know what he did.
- And we are not happy about it.
- Tim.
- Um.
Hey, hey, hey. Wait, wait.
- You tell George, next time
we crash more than his party.
- Don't leave.
You really add something to this party.
- What's that? Humanity?
- I don't think you've
treated me fairly, Norman.
- Oh. Well, excuse me.
- I agree.
The behaviors of others was circumspect.
Mine was spot on.
- Yeah, and what behaviors are those?
- Genuine intrigue.
So what if I'm a little spoiled?
I'm rich, can't help that.
I offered you an invitation to a party
on friendliness alone.
- Agreed.
And I can assure you,
I can be quite mad at a group of people
and myself at the same time.
- I don't want you to
be upset with yourself.
- Yes, you do.
- Goodbye.
- For long?
- Forever.
- Oh, what's your address?
- 2020 Alley Way.
- I'll write!
- Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
- Hello Norman.
- This could have been anybody's tent.
- But it wasn't. It was yours.
2020 Alley Way, was it?
This is the first tent
I've been in, you know.
I mean, street tent.
I've seen them everywhere,
but this is the first.
I was just so curious,
I couldn't help myself.
- Sure.
- Here's the thing, Norman.
I feel awful.
I mean, truly awful.
And I can't have our first fight ending
with you walking away that.
- First fight?
Listen Annette.
- I just love the way you say my name.
I could just melt.
- Wish you would.
- Let me ask you something.
- Okay? Then you'll leave my tent?
- No promises.
- Okay?
- Why do you live here?
How does this happen?
- This whole climate thing, you know?
I wanted to go green though,
I'm here doing my part.
- Oh, quite sensible.
- Quite.
- You see, Norman,
we're going to be seeing
quite a lot of each other.
- How do you figure?
- Well...
- Annette, this is your father.
I'm recording myself on this machine
instead of asking you in person
because I've told your
mother I was going to bed
and it's very important I keep up
the appearance of hostility.
At any rate, that friend
of yours who the Tims hit,
tell him I'm hiring him
as my personal assistant.
- He was very impressed.
- With what? How I took a punch?
- Apparently! You're hired!
You're daddy's new assistant.
- I don't believe I applied for it.
- Well, if you change your mind,
you'll also wanna change your clothes.
And I do hope that you do.
Change your mind, that is.
Norman?
Do you believe in love at first sight?
- No.
- Me either.
I'll see you tomorrow, Norman.
- Hello?
- I Just had the greatest idea ever.
Pen. Pen.
Do you have a pen sweet bean?
- Good morning, Norman.
- Oh.
Good morning.
- So you came after all.
- So I did.
- For me?
- For the job, of course.
- Of course.
- The assistant job.
- You're not taking Jimmy's place.
- Your father hiring me.
- I do vaguely remember
something like that.
- Vaguely?
- You're absolutely
the most attractive man
I've ever seen, Norman.
- Um, excuse me?
- Don't you wanna talk,
get to know each other?
- Maybe later.
I have just started the job.
- Norman, you may not very well believe
in love at first sight.
- That's what you
remember from last night?
- You see, I have a confession to make.
You're in love with me.
In fact, you're crazy about me.
- Am not.
- Didn't you come in here for a pen?
- Hey...
You...
Well?
- Well.
- Say I was to agree to this
indecent proposal of yours.
- There's nothing indecent
about love, Norman.
- Something very indecent
about a hostage situation.
- Not in Stockholm there isn't.
- We're non Stockholm.
What would a relationship
of this nature entail?
- I suspect there's
something happening here.
- Between us?
Okay, you're right.
So there is.
- I knew it.
- A business agreement.
- A contract.
- A verbal contract that
I will entertain the idea
of being your lover on the
terms that I keep my job.
- It's a start.
- Your pen.
- Who the fuck are you?
- Be a dear, Sylvia,
and do call the police.
We seem to have a strange
assistant in our home.
- Where do I know your face from?
- Probably from a wanted poster.
He's probably doing this bit
in every house in the hills.
You know they're desperate to work.
- You were at the party last night.
- So George's new assistant.
Well, there you go, Jimmy,
he finally got over you.
- Well, so long as you never do.
- Jimmy.
- I see you have a new scheme.
- Isn't Norman great?
- I'm sorry? Is he not your father?
- Who? Jimmy?
Mother's lover?
- Oh my God.
- You're the lover?
- Look at him.
Little nugget's getting it.
- He just moved in with me, dear.
- Daddy's office is up the
stairs from the living room.
Nice of you to stop in
on breakfast though.
Looks like you've helped the whole family.
- Don't be late for work, Norman.
He's a very demanding employer.
- Norman, you wasteful sod.
You ungrateful, meandering
time-wasting sonufabitch.
Haul it in, son.
We gonna do business or
we gonna do business?
What the hell is this?
You work in the movies now, Norm.
Doesn't mean you're at the movies.
You want popcorn, Norm?
Want me to grab some
Goobers while I'm at it?
Did you think this would be the job,
sitting around looking at my hard work?
- What would you like me to do?
- What do I want you to do?
- For God's sake, Norm,
you are a personal assistant in Hollywood.
Everything. I want you to do everything.
This is the nature of your job.
Do you have any idea the kind of nonsense
these saps put me through, Norm?
Any idea?
- Enlighten me.
- Look at this.
Take a peek.
I get two screenplays a
day, every day of the year.
You know why they do it, Norman?
Do you know why?
To piss me off, that's why.
Sure, they could email them but look,
see how it bulges in the middle?
They only put brads in two holes,
but they punched three holes.
It's every script, Norman.
It's like Chinese water torture.
I want you to fix things, Norman.
I want you to fix things.
That's what I want from you.
Starting with my headache.
I take a martini every three hours.
And as you may have noticed,
I've been up for longer than three hours.
And yet, no martini.
- You want a martini?
- No.
I'd like a perfect martini.
Bring me the perfect martini.
Or don't you ever show
your face here again.
No. Scratch that.
God, just do the martini.
I need it.
I need it, Norman.
I'm stressed and I need it.
- Then Mr. Moffett, you shall have it.
- I planned to be there
when daddy inevitably sent you
to make the perfect martini,
but Sylvia wanted to try on some wigs
and she really does need
help putting them on,
so here we are!
Here we go, the recipe
for a perfect martini:
One jigger of gin.
Not one and a half, not two, just one.
Half a jigger sweet vermouth.
Half an ounce of olive juice.
This recipe is of course
built upon the assumption
you know what a jigger is?
Funny word, jigger. I
can't put my finger on it,
but there's something about
that word I don't much like.
And then, you know,
ice, stir, serve, olive.
- Annette, wigs, now!
- Good luck, Norman!
- About time, isn't it, Norm?
What the hell, Norman?
I told you to make a double.
- You wanted two martinis?
- Come on, Norm.
One for me, one for Jack.
I'm not an alcoholic.
Terribly sorry about this.
New hire.
- Thanks, Norman.
- Mm-hm.
- Could have made yourself one, Norman.
- It's better for
everyone if I don't drink.
- You're always welcome
to, just remember that.
No shame in a little dependency.
Some folks have God, we have vodka.
- I believe this is yours.
- Where in the world did
you come across this?
- Your daughter.
- You've spent time with
both of my daughters.
What do you think of them?
Honest opinion.
- They're lovely.
- Ah. Both of them?
- Mm-hm, in a strictly professional sense.
- You bet your ass, strictly
in a professional sense.
You listen to me and close,
there is nothing but
the professional sense
between you and any of
the women in my family.
Do you understand?
- George is still reeling
from the loss of his wife.
- Yeah. Loss.
It's Jimmy who'll lose.
But I've made my point, haven't I, Norm?
The most important thing that
you and I are of one mind.
- All right, shut the
fuck up about your wife.
Look, last night at the party,
you told me you had my next job for me.
- Be my guest.
- "Piss Jug" by Jake Donahue.
- "River Runs East," written
by Gregory Pinkerton.
Look George, I thought you had some things
ready to go into production.
Okay, I could use the money
sooner rather than later.
- We could all use the money, Jack.
I could use $21 million if you happen
to have it lying around.
- Don't tell me the wells run dry.
- I wonder, Norman, do you
think of a ringing office phone
falls under the purview
of an office assistant?
Or is it a boss kind of thing?
Maybe I can answer it.
- Honolulu Lullaby, by Pinky Dinkler.
- Listen here, you
monstrously insignificant
embryo of a man.
If this deal sinks, we all sink.
But you'll sink further.
You understand?
You'll sink so far, the titanic
will look like the surface
from where you are.
- Please hold.
- How hard is it to
get a picture made these days?
- I'm not made of money. Jack.
- You practically shit money, George.
- Then let me finish my coffee
and you can pick the
gold for my droppings.
- Excuse me, sir.
- What is it, Norman?
- I believe it's for you.
- Of course it's for me.
They're all for me.
It's my office.
What did they say?
That's the job, telling me what they said.
Not that they're all for me.
- Listen, here, you
monstrously insignificant
embryo of a man.
- Damn, Norm, I didn't
mean anything by it.
- Verbatim, sir.
- I see.
- Start.
If this sinks, we all sink,
but you'll sink even further.
You understand?
You'll sink so far the Titanic
will look like the surface
from where you are.
End.
- Some Humphrey Bogart stuff right there.
What do you think it means?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll
call 'em back, Norm.
- I'll take anything, George.
Even a commercial.
- Thank you,
Mr. Moffett will call you back
at his earliest convenience.
- Wait, wait, wait.
- I'm laying low for a few months.
And when that's done,
you'll be the first one I call.
- You sodden, salty, crusted old...
Who is that? That breathing?
You tell me if you're
recording this, George.
- Stupid little pigeon man.
- Who was it?
- Pigeon salesman.
- We don't need any more.
- Am I to assume these are the Tims?
- One of 'em.
Who's this?
- Norman.
- Norman.
- Hang it up Norman. We got business.
Look, go through this
mountain for me Jack.
And by the time you're through,
we'll have enough money
for three pictures.
- You owe me, George.
Believe that's for you.
Clean it up.
- The rights, Norman.
We know about the rights.
- Poor sap.
Wins one South by South West
and thinks I owe him
a swing at the Oscars.
Who was on the phone?
- The Tims.
They know about the rights.
- Goddammit, Norman, we're in a pickle.
Hell of a first day.
- Well, loop me in, sir, I'm here to help.
- Tell me, and and tell me truthfully,
given your situation, I
mean your previous situation
as you were...
- Homeless?
- Well, Annette says I
have to say unhoused.
What do you know about larceny?
- What do I know about theft
because I was homeless?
- Grand theft, sabotage.
Strictly white collar stuff.
- Oh, my collar hasn't been
white for some time, sir.
- Yeah. Yeah.
You've met my wife.
And her lover.
- Jimmy. Yeah.
I met him over breakfast.
He called me Nugget.
- He's such a...
You were late because you
had breakfast with Jimmy?
- What does this have
to do with larceny, sir?
- Ah, I knew you knew more
than you were letting on.
- Ha-ha, on accident, I can assure you.
- My wife, Norm.
She's stolen from me.
- How much?
- $21 Million.
- Oh my.
- No, mine.
And it couldn't come at the worst time.
- Is there a good time
for $21 million to vanish?
- Well, I'll tell you
an especially bad time,
when I've been given that
money by my business partners
in order to buy a certain
intellectual property.
- The rights.
- It's all the Tims' money.
Every gleaming peso.
It was meant to purchase "The Humans."
- Which humans?
- The play, you nimrod.
The award-winning play.
Have you ever heard of the theater?
- Okay, so Rosemary
stole it from under you,
that's the idea.
- Bank confirmed, she initiated a transfer
from my business account
to an offshore account
in Sydney, Australia.
- Well, you should have gone
to the authorities, sir.
- She's my wife, Norman.
Well sure, she made a cuckhold of me.
She's still the love of
my goddamn life, Norman.
And if she feels she has to
steal 21 million from me,
whatever the reason, then
she's gonna steal 21 million
from me and not a penny less.
- That's oddly moving.
- I've not been a good husband.
That doesn't mean I'm gonna
send my wife to the slammer.
- Sure.
- Now what the hell are
you still doing here?
- I'm, I'm sorry?
- You're supposed to be cross town meeting
with Warren Gabel.
- The actor?
- You know him?
- Can I get
you guys anything else?
- No.
- Well, this is strange, I'll admit it.
- Not exactly how I
planned my morning either.
- What the hell are you doing, Sam?
- I think I'm supposed to convince you
to star in George Moffett's movie.
- No, I know why we are here.
But the specificities of your
engagement with the Moffett's,
it's beyond me.
- Warren, it's nothing too strange.
Actually, the whole
thing is beyond strange.
- Man, last time I saw you
was closing night of our play.
Which one was it?
- "Norman."
- Right, "Norman."
Yeah.
Week later you divorced Catherine.
- Other way around.
- God, how long has it been, Sam?
- Warren, I'm homeless.
- You mean unhoused?
- Yes.
- Does Catherine know?
- Mm-mm.
And it seems you and
I are gonna be working
in the same circles and
I prefer your discretion.
- About your condition, you mean.
- I'm not going by Sam these days.
- You got an actor's alias.
- I go by Norman.
- Jesus Christ.
- It's just a favor.
- Not a healthy favor.
What does George Moffett wanna do with me?
- You were in "The Humans" a year ago.
He's filming an adaptation of the piece
and he wants you to reprise Richard.
- No shit?
- It's a good role.
- Sure it is.
The Goldheart Sisters
offered it to me last week.
- The who?
- George couldn't possibly
have the rights to it.
- We're working on it.
- Well, you've been beat to the punch.
I've already been cast.
- The Goldhearts?
You're sure he said the Goldhearts?
- I'm quite sure.
- Well, that's bad news, Norm.
You don't know these young women,
real Jane Fonda types,
if you catch my drift,
after my masculine pride.
- I'm sure you'll heal.
- I want you to follow that paper trail
and see what putz bought those
rights out from under me.
- Here you go, sir.
- Didn't the Goldhearts buy the rights?
- You are a real Jesus
Christ, you know that?
- Thank you?
- Find those rights now.
- Yes, sir.
- And don't let
the Tims find out this time.
- Tell me something, Sylvia.
- Must we always talk?
- Why do you think we're
supposed to say unhoused
instead of homeless?
- Here I was hoping for
something a little more bechdian.
- I think unhoused puts
the blame on others
because unhoused is something
that happens to a person
as opposed to homelessness,
which happens because of a person.
- I don't wanna talk about this.
- Only because you have a house.
- No, only because one of
them is in the next room.
- This isn't about Norman.
- Oh, no?
- No! It's about his neighbors.
- Greater than you have
cashed in a bleeding heart
for a pass at responsibility.
We're just lucky your little
product isn't mentally ill.
- Well, we don't know that yet.
- What?
- Well, I can't just say
one way or the other,
whether or not he is in
fact not mentally ill.
- And you didn't think that
little detail was important?
- People have called us mentally ill.
- And yet I have learned
to live with myself.
- I'm glad someone has.
- While I have to live with myself,
I do not have to live with him.
- Do I get to choose
between the two of you?
- Would you like to choose
between your inheritance and a tent?
Do you ever think we need more friends?
- There's some business for you.
- Oh, that doesn't sound right.
Jimmy.
- Just an appointment coming
through, I think on Friday.
- Let me see that.
- It's strictly for Rosemary.
- Oh, let him. Norman.
It's only Jimmy, he signs for everything.
- It's your mail.
- Oh. And Normy, you'll
put out some sandwiches
for this afternoon?
- You know, not to be a nag...
- Oh, nag away.
- That seems outside the scope of my job.
- Really? A few finger sandwiches.
I know the twins will be
starving after their ordeal.
- Ordeal?
- Oh, something to do in the Congo.
I'll let them explain it.
- Sure.
One last thing.
- Shoot.
- Do we like the twins?
- You really must go.
There isn't a place quite like
the Democratic Republic of Congo.
- Somehow neither
Democratic or a Republic.
- But all Congo.
But the boeuf bourguignon,
practically from Paris itself.
- One of the help had slipped
something in her food.
- Ended up just being a
bad case of food poisoning.
- There's this great restaurant there.
- Well, not so much restaurant.
- More in internment camp.
More indentured prisoner war than chef,
but you get the idea.
They take tourism very
seriously in the DRC.
And you don't even notice the Malaria.
- Unless you get it.
Anyway, he was shot the day after.
Remember that time I
thought I had malaria,
but it ended up just being food poisoning.
But the best part, and I can't
even begin to make this up.
- I had malaria that whole time.
- How exciting.
- Norman, Norman, Norman.
- Sylvia.
- So what's the plan?
Are you going to kill us in our sleep?
- Well, I hadn't thought of
it, but it's a good backup
just in case the job doesn't go well.
- I'm just trying to determine
how worried I should be.
- That's funny, I was
doing the same thing.
- Well, fortunately for you,
you aren't going to last long
enough for that to matter.
- Any advice?
- Stay on my good side.
- I'm not sure I've seen one.
- One word from me and you
are back on the street.
O vous appartenez.
- I heard you scheming.
- I heard you breathing.
- Norman isn't going anywhere.
- Is this one of those...
- Mm, no, you know what? Nevermind.
I think I'm gonna watch this one play out.
- You're going to leave Norman alone
is what you're going to do.
- And you're gonna be one to
make me, tough little sister?
- A kick to the teeth will make you.
- Oh, aren't you quite
the brute these days?
- I'm the boss about this, got it?
About Norman.
- You've fallen in love with a stray,
but you know we're gonna have to take him
to the pound eventually.
And what about when father finds out
that you've been trying
to screw his assistant?
- Daddy isn't going to find out
unless you also want him to find out
about the actual reason you were forced
to take a gap year off of college.
- Well, if he ever finds that out
it's your own teeth I'd be worried about.
- Good morning, Norman.
- Good morning, Annette.
Sorry to say I won't have time
for our usual fencing match.
- En guard.
- Pret.
Why in the world do you
know so much about fencing?
- Private school.
What's your excuse?
- Homelessness isn't as
peaceful as it seems.
- The Tims?
- Sounds like it.
- When you're done enjoying
your job, feel free to enjoy me.
We do have a deal after all.
You forgot the Martinis.
- Come on.
I've been busy with other things.
You know, Rosemary and Jimmy
have been sleeping together
and I've been very distracted about it.
- Oh, please.
Everyone knows Rosemary and Jimmy
have been boinking since
that Shakespeare flick.
- Sex is sex.
George, you'll do it.
She'll do it.
We all do it.
We don't all, however, string
our colleagues out to dry.
$21 million and no rights?
- I'm working on it.
- I'm gonna give it to you straight.
George, we took a vote.
Kidnapping.
Blackmail.
I don't know, we're not
used to this kind of thing,
but we had to do something.
- Landed on the physical option.
- Either you find a way outta this mess
or we break your legs.
- Well, you don't mean both of them.
- Well, we we don't want
to half-ass anything.
- Put it to a vote, yeah?
- Quicker.
- Martinis?
- Right on time, Norman,
I was just telling the Tims
how you landed the rights to "The Humans."
- Really?
- Oh yes.
- Well, good for me.
- Yes.
Just secure them.
- Well, then I guess that
means I deserve a raise.
- Yes. I suppose you do.
- Good for you, Norman.
I do enjoy classic
Hollywood success stories.
- Yes. Yes.
We're all very impressed
with Norman's ability
to climb a ladder.
But I wanna see "The
Humans" on the big screen.
- Are you even listening to me?
I said I'm taking care of it.
- You better hope so, George.
- Can I help you?
- Just keep going, I'm recording.
- Keep going with what?
- I think he wants raw footage
of the bitch in the wild.
Like a National Geographic kind of thing.
- Yes, exactly.
Just give me some real sister talk.
- My god, Jimmy, you know Father
won't let you stay here forever.
- Jimmy, dear.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I can't stand to watch myself on film.
- Well, then I won't
show it to you, darling.
- Well, let's not be extreme.
Did you choose a movie for tonight?
- We are right here.
Your children are right here.
If you wanna cheat on
Father, go right ahead.
But can you at least hide
it a little bit better?
- Hide what? True love.
Your father wouldn't know it
if it was right in front of 'em anyways.
Jimmy, what's the movie about?
- It's a retelling of
the "Song of Solomon"
as told through the eyes of a desperate up
and coming on Broadway.
I hear there's a Can Can line at the end.
- Oh, like Paris!
- Just like Paris.
- Oh, look at my
sweet little daughters hanging.
Isn't that nice? Huh?
- How's the move coming, Jimbo?
Settling in nicely?
- Don't worry, George.
Rosemary and I will be outta
your hair lickety split.
You don't mind if we dive into
a little family discussion,
do you, Jimmy?
- Oh, let me get it from the wide.
- Just like Lawrence of Arabia!
This isn't gonna be one of those
long movie meetings, is it?
- As a matter of fact, it is, dear wife.
I produce movies.
I do not produce the want and desires
of your black little hearts.
- Not this again, Daddy.
- Yes. Yes.
This again.
- Well, maybe we don't
have to talk about movies.
- Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
- Yeah!
- Ugh, George.
Why is it always movies with you?
It's either bounce
checks or false profits.
- Now you've upset Jimmy.
Why do you do that?
He was such a good assistant.
- He slept with my wife.
- I am not your property, George.
- God.
- You're just drunk.
- I have had only three martinis today
and I'm entirely coherent.
- What's this family meeting for?
- For a family enterprise.
We're gonna make a movie together,
a real Moffett family picture.
We're doing "The Humans," with
Sylvia and Annette to star,
Jack to direct and me to produce.
- You don't own the rights to
"The Humans" though, George.
- How the hell do you know that?
- Because I was
your goddamn assistant.
- George, please.
You're upsetting Jimmy.
- Throw Jimmy off a cliff for all I care.
- Well, I never.
- How much does it pay?
- You're family, you'll
do it for back-end points.
- Ugh!
- La vie cruelle d'une actrice.
- Besides, who needs rights?
We'll sell it in, on the
internet, in Thailand.
In Times Square for all I care.
Anywhere where infringement
is a proud tradition.
- Don't mind me.
- Daddy was just giving us the rundown
on his mildly Producers-esq plan.
- It's nothing like The Producers.
- No, it's half as funny
and twice as desperate.
- Oh, fuck off, Jimmy.
- We should get paid up front.
- There is no money.
That's why I'm hiring you.
- Independent film, so '90s.
If I'm to be honest...
- We've got no choice.
It's a movie together
or the streets together.
- I know some prime real
estate if you guys are looking.
- If cutting money would help,
how about this business
of employing the homeless?
I think we would all prefer
not to be shanked in the night.
- Shanked?
What's that?
What does shanked mean?
- No one's getting shanked.
- I can nearly guarantee it.
- Oh, nearly, he says.
- Norman, you wouldn't
shank me, would you?
- Would you come into my
tent, try to steal my food?
- Never.
- No, I won't shank you.
- Context tells me shanked is
like a form of self-defense.
- Am I the only one who's
going to acknowledge
that he still lives in a tent?
- Oh, Sylvia, many people live in tents.
- Look, all I'm saying is
that we don't know anything
about some people.
That may be a background
check might be in order?
Did you know we still don't
know if he's mentally ill?
- Shut your mouth!
- Sorry, if I value my going-on-living.
- You won't go on living
talking like that.
- Jimmy?
Would you like to get a
snack before we leave?
I know you hate those concession prices.
- Jimmy, I'm gonna murder you one day.
I want you to be able to look back
and realize that this is
the moment I told you so.
- I dunno why Father couldn't
have hired a professional
to replace Jimmy.
- Oh honey.
George, now you're doing
it to your own daughter.
- Not this again.
- Norman only just got here.
- It's nothing personal, little sis.
It's just that father here
is looking to save money
and we've got a bum on the payroll.
Easy math.
- George, don't get
between Annette and Norman.
- I've said nothing about firing Norman.
- Can't you
see she's fond of him?
The two are already best friends.
- Annette. Annette.
- I'm sure your father
will make the right choice,
Annette, don't panic.
- No! Oh, oh!
- I'm going to kill myself.
- I knew it.
I knew you were gonna
fucking do this, Annette.
Goddammit, just do it!
- George, do something.
She's gonna shoot herself!
- That's a prop gun.
- I'll do it. I'll really do it.
- Oh, no, no, no, honey.
Put the gun away.
Sh, sh, sh, come, come.
- There you go, just...
- Don't take my gun.
- Oh, honey, nobody's gonna take your gun.
You keep your gun, okay, honey?
You just relax.
- This act is getting old, sis.
Do you wanna have a Coke?
Do you want me to put on a movie?
- I only wanna die.
- Aww.
- To forget how to feel.
- Well, I can have Norman
go and get you a Coke,
would that help?
- Oh, Norman.
- Oh that's it, I'm out.
- Um, I, how about I
make everyone Martinis?
- Read the room, Norm.
Everybody's doing the
movie, no matter what.
You too, Norm.
Hope you can act.
- Is Sylvia still over there?
- No, she left, honey.
But Norman's here, will that cheer you up?
Jimmy, get my coat, honey, and my shoes.
I don't wanna miss the previews.
- They're gonna
keep you after all, Norman.
Oh, it's only a prop.
Still a pretty good actor.
We're gonna be in a
movie together, Norman.
On the silver screen, Norman.
- We should have some very
strict rules, Catherine.
- Who the hell is Catherine?
- Oh my God, I'm sorry, I'm...
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- I can be a Catherine.
- No, you can't come in here.
- It's my house.
- It's your parents' house.
- And mine one day, but
it's besides the point.
I just wanted to talk some more.
- Later, not in here.
- You would kiss me and
then demand I leave?
- I would kiss you, you say?
- This is a quick moving
romance, isn't it?
To think, before I hardly even knew you,
and yet here we are.
Bathrooms are for private things,
we could be doing anything in here.
- Yes, and yet here you are.
- Don't you seen Norman?
Now that you're here to stay,
we don't have to keep
this a secret anymore.
- I can assure you, I spoke to
your father about such things
and coming out as his daughter's lover
is counter productive.
Just ask his last assistant.
Excuse me.
- Well, that's fine.
We can keep it secret.
All the great loves are kept secret.
- Haven't you heard of professionalism?
If you had my job,
would you be your lover?
- I've never had a job before, Norman.
There's no telling how I'd behave.
- You do want me to stay
in this house with you,
right Annette, as long as I can?
- More than anything.
- Then I need to keep my job.
- And I'll be very secret.
- You're very handsome, Norman.
- I won't be your lover.
- Wait, you won't?
- I think I'd prefer our
relationship to be professional.
- You mean you don't like
that I followed you into the restroom?
- No, I can't say that I cared for it.
- It's this Catherine person, isn't it?
- I'll see you when I come
in for work and when I leave,
and at parties and things
I'll know you'll be at.
But I think for me, that's enough.
- But what about our kiss?
- It was only your kiss.
- Oh, Norman.
- Annette.
- Norman.
- Annette, I...
You've mastered the classes they gave
As fall turns to winter
You lost track of your center
Refuse to remember
You choose to surrender
Thoughts and memories
You'll retain these
To look back at moments you've saved
The math that they're using
Is often confusing
The truth is amusing
and rife for abusing
Day turns night and your
feelings that were spoken
Turn to spite, and the
writings on the wall
You've been mended,
you've presented the lie
Say what you'll say
Just don't be what they say you'll be
And you're trying, but you're dying
We're all dying
You're not he same
Just don't die till you c'est la vie
That's just platitudes and
I don't like your attitude
Day turns night
And your feelings never
spoken turn to spite
And the writing on the
wall you still hide
And you've mended and you've broken
You pretend you've been mended
You presented the lie
In a meadow, I will lead you
To the other side
- Who's ready for a movie?
- When do I...
- No, no, think classy.
Think Hollywood.
If all goes well, we get a movie,
and Moffett keeps his knees.
- What's with the get up?
- It matches my soul.
- Well, I like it, you look beautiful.
- I meant look distracting.
- Why not be beautifully distracting?
Well, that's my cue.
Can't say it's been a pleasure. Annette.
- Jack, you've met The twins.
- Hello.
- Evening.
- Hey, Norm.
- What?
- Ready?
- Norman.
- Tabitha!
- Ricky!
- Congo!
- Oh.
- I can't believe you
got the girls to act.
- Your daughter's coming out of retirement
before you make it to your own?
It writes itself.
- They've both had time to
process their resentment
towards their mother and me
for making them act so young.
- That's a big deal.
- How resentful can they be
after being handed a career?
That resentful?
- That's why there's a prop
gun in the house, Norm.
- I'm sure they're as talented as ever.
And Jack to direct.
- He's hot.
- He's young.
- An auteur in the making.
- Great idea.
- Truly brilliant.
- And he'll be sitting next
to you during the film.
- Actually-
- Brilliant!
- Jack, tell me, what is your experience
with Ethiopian cheeses?
- We haven't been completely
honest with each other.
- I have been nothing but honest with you.
- I just don't mean you.
- We aren't talking.
- I'd like to share something
with you if you'd let me.
- I don't talk to men who broke my heart.
- Enough with the theatrics already.
- Theatrics. Theatrics.
It's all theatrics when
it's a woman's heart.
It's all, she's a little unstable,
when really she's just a little in love.
What do you wanna talk about?
- Unstable. A little unstable?
You're a woman with the
proclivity to kill herself
if the means weren't padded as props.
- Perhaps we shouldn't be
honest with each other.
- Psst, Norman.
We've got trouble in paradise.
The Goldhearts are here.
- Start with cocktails?
- So the infamous
Goldheart sisters are suing me.
- You stole our movie.
- You stole my movie.
- Be fair,
it's kind of our movie.
- Well we have an
investor, a rights holder,
and a production that says it's our movie.
You don't got Jack.
- Yes we do, Jack was directing.
- We'll cut the baby in half.
- Absolutely not.
- What's going on George?
What are all those papers?
- What the hell are
you winking at her for?
- How would I know, George?
- Listen, Heather, Friday,
we go into business together.
- You're gonna lose everything you got
when this gets settled in court.
If a single human being sees this movie,
we're coming for everything you own.
- Got it, so no humans
can see "The Humans."
- Lawyer up, asshole.
- They're all making a Judas out of me.
- George.
- I'm nothing but a
Judas for you to betray.
- He means Julius.
- Dad made a movie
combining the characters
of the passion and Julius Caesar.
But he's never been to church,
so he gets the characters mixed.
- It was a confusing movie.
- And one of you is the Brutas.
- He means Judas.
- One of you told the Goldhearts
we were doing our little production.
We're the only ones who knew.
- I think that's not entirely true.
I think I might have
mentioned to Warren Gabel
that we were pursuing the film,
and he might have told the Goldhearts.
- Et tu Norman.
Take your 20 pieces of silver and leave.
Great Julius Caesar!
- What are you doing?
- What do you think I'm
gonna say to you now, Norman?
- That you could really use a drink?
- You're fired, Norman.
- Daddy!
- We ever gonna talk about
why you're so good at acting?
- I just deliver my lines,
everything after that is luck.
- How about a drink?
- It's really best if I don't.
Goodbye, Sylvia.
- Do you really think I don't know?
I clocked it nearly the
moment we first met.
I know who you really are, Norman.
- I'd be forever indebted to
you if you could tell me who.
- You are a man who knows better
than to turn down the good stuff.
Sam Leonard.
Oh, that's a real name.
Good golden age name.
An actor's name.
And if I recall, a good one too.
I've seen two of your plays, you know.
Must have left an impression.
- You wouldn't like Sam Leonard.
- To be fair, I don't
much like Norman Leonard.
- Sam was a coward.
- Mm, and now you're a master of courage?
- No, I'm saying, there's
no reason that I'm homeless.
I mean, I'm successful, I was well off.
There's people in the
city who have no choice,
and I hid behind them.
- You were only a stage actor.
How long were you in the tent?
- I spent three years in
that lonely little tent.
- No family? No nothing?
- An ex-wife somewhere.
- Ugh.
So your ex-wife is why we
aren't civil to each other?
- Am I not civil?
- Why don't you like me?
We're alike, you and I.
- We're not alike.
We're just alone.
- That we are, Sam.
That we are.
- Norman.
- No, Sam is better.
- Unhoused is better than homeless.
Sam is better than Norman.
Is there any idea you don't have
about how I should present myself?
- I only want you to be real.
- Real.
- Real.
- Ah.
You didn't have glasses?
- Oh, bougie actor too
good for the bottle?
- Oh, okay.
Let's be real then.
All right.
Yeah. Let's get real.
Tell me, please tell me
about your childhood.
Let's talk about your past.
- Someone's been hearing rumors, I see.
- I'm gonna kill myself.
Would you look at that?
- No one seems to care.
- Ah, no one ever has.
- So what, what do you think about me?
- Oh, well as Sam or as Norman?
- Dealer's choice.
- I think maybe I was wrong.
Yeah, maybe we are alike.
- No. I'm an original.
- Your sister
- Bye, Norman.
I fucked your boyfriend last night.
I frenched your boyfriend last night.
- Take it easy, tiger.
All that caffeine.
- I really shouldn't drink.
- So, Norman.
- Sam's fine.
- Do you think I wouldn't
have helped you out
if you had called?
- Sure you'd have.
There are dozens of people who would've.
- Because Catherine divorced you?
- Catherine isn't who bothers me anymore.
I love Annette Moffett.
I've loved her from the first
moment she told me that I did.
- Look, you don't love her.
- I do too.
- Then why aren't you with her?
- Aren't you listening? I'm nuts.
- She's nuts.
- I was fired.
- Then you don't have
to quit them after all.
- I was fired because
you told the Goldhearts
we had a production.
- Me? No, I would never
in a million years.
- Good. I'm just making sure.
- You're really guns
blazing today, aren't you?
What's that?
- This is Mrs. Moffett's mail.
I picked it up when I
was drunk last night.
- You really shouldn't drink.
- How's about I pay you
500 to turn a trick for me?
- What kind?
- Guns blazing kind.
- Who's the cowboy?
- Where's the gun?
- It's just a prop.
- He didn't know that.
- What seems to be the trouble?
Warren?
- No.
Goldhearts don't like that
you're helping Moffett
get this picture up.
They don't like it one bit, Jimmy.
- I'm not.
I'm not. I'm not.
I'm their business partner, I promise.
- We both know that Rosemary
is their business partner.
- You've been in bed with dad's assistant
and his competition?
- Is that why the Goldhearts
were winking at you last night?
- Really, this
family is too much.
- Let me clear a few things.
- Oh, that makes sense.
- Oh, I get it!
- One thing is abundantly clear.
Jimmy has been playing
you all the whole time.
- I pitched that to you five years ago.
I wanted to do "The Humans."
We were meant to be partners.
- Doesn't a ring a bell.
- And then you, you went and
pitched to the Tims without me.
- You made a cuckhold of me, you fool.
It was retribution.
- You stole from me,
George, so I stole from you.
I stole your wife.
I stole your money.
I ratted you out to the Goldhearts.
"The Humans" is my movie.
- You should really read your mail.
- That's your job.
- It was my job.
- Is your job.
Obviously you're rehired.
- So what do you say we
drop the suit and keep on.
- So should we sign papers?
- So it was all
just a big misunderstanding.
- I can't believe it
was you we were working with
this whole time.
- We just
thought you were cutting
your husband out of the deal.
- Are you okay?
- Who knew I
was so good at business?
- Love makes me sick.
- He may be an idiot
and he may lose his
priorities easily at times,
but he's my husband.
- Yeah.
- And I love him.
- Yeah, me too.
- Why can't love be real, Sylvia?
- Who says it isn't?
- Life says it isn't.
Real life.
- You really like him?
Then just throw yourself in the man's arms
and get it over with.
- You're the one he kissed.
- If Norman walked in this room right now
do you think he would
even notice I was here?
- I love you.
I love you.
Not Annette, come with me!
Come with me.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- If Norman walked in here right now,
do you think he would
even notice I was here?
Go on.
Tell him how you feel.
Love is as real as you make it, Annie.
- Where is everyone?
- Stepped out for a bit, celebrating.
- But you stayed behind?
- Someone has to read all these contracts.
There's something I should tell you.
- Okay, me first.
You look cute in the big chair.
- Thank you.
That's what I was going for.
That or Hollywood mogul.
- Now you.
- My real name is Sam Leonard.
- Oh.
I like it.
That's all you had to say?
- Yeah.
Is that all you had to say?
- Well, pleased to meet you, Sam Leonard.
- You and I are about to
make a lot of money, Norm.
- Have fun with the business stuff.
- What's wrong with her?
- You wouldn't get it, George.
- Norman.
- Yes?
- Norman, there is something
we need to talk about.
- I can't imagine what about.
- I told Annette about us.
- It was the right thing to do.
- God, you're always so upstanding.
- Well, someone
has to be around here.
- I liked you better when you were drunk.
- I like me better when I'm drunk.
That's one of the things I'm working on.
- Norman, could
you come here a minute?
- Just a second.
- Okay, but don't forget.
- Is there something else?
- Why are you keeping my sister waiting?
- Right.
- Bye, Norman.
- Sam.
- Okay.
- We've already been
through this, Annette.
- You drove me to this Norman.
You drove me to this.
- It's Sam.
- Okay, fine, Sam.
You drove me to this.
- So what, you do this what?
Once a month?
- I do not.
Admit you love me right now.
- Or what, you're gonna shoot yourself?
- Why not?
- Well, for one, this isn't
a real gun and this is crazy.
- So, I'm crazy about you.
- Well, what do you want me to do?
You want me to tell you how I feel?
You want to pry it from my lips?
- If that what it takes.
- Did I miss the commercials?
I've seen this film so many times before.
- I'm holding Norman emotionally hostage.
- Ah, please continue.
- Don't you think this would
be better as a private moment?
I've tried it in private, Norman.
Just say it.
It isn't a big deal.
- Just say it.
- Just say it Norman.
- Please just say it.
- Just say it.
- This is a, it's a private...
- Say it Norman, just say it, please.
- Just say it Norman.
- I'm trying to think, I'm trying.
- I want you to say it.
- I'm trying, okay!
Okay! Okay! Okay!
You wanna know how I feel?
Yes, yes I believe in love at first sight.
Obviously I believe in
love at first sight.
But I must have poor vision
because it's the second time
it struck me and doesn't always end great.
- You do believe in love.
- I love you, Annette.
I've loved you since the
moment you shared a drink
in my crummy little tent.
I don't want to be in love.
I don't like being in love.
It's not fun for me.
- Fun's besides the point.
It's love, Norman.
If you love someone, you tell them.
- Not when you barely made
it through the last one.
- What's this?
- I love her.
- I just hired you back, Norman.
- Don't you dare fire him.
- Give me that.
- Oh, George.
Not you too.
We were just figuring things out.
- Norman loves me, Mommy.
- Oh good.
I love that journey for you two.
See, things are working out.
- For you twats.
- What the hell are you doing?
- It's really getting pathetic, Jimmy.
- Norman loves me.
- Oh, does he?
That's fantastic. Great.
Why don't you go Juliette
yourself over thing?
- You mean kill myself?
- Yeah!
All of you are so goddamn suicidal.
How are none of you dead yet?
- If only this thing were real.
- What the fuck?
You shot me.
Mother fucker!
- It was real?
- Ah, you bitch!
- George?
We've had a real gun in
the house the whole time?
- I could have sworn it was a prop.
- We shot a whole movie with that thing.
- And Here we
were dangerously close
to breaking Chekhov's gun rule
- It really does make all our moments
with the gun more impactful.
- Well, you
certainly impacted his leg
quite nicely.
- There you are.
- Why are you here?
Shouldn't you be calling an ambulance?
- It's only Jimmy.
- Why are you so desperate to love me?
- You really have it all backwards.
- I'm better on my own, much better.
- I don't think I'm being
too harsh when I say
you were an alcoholic
de-housed person on your own.
- Will you just...
- Yes?
- Just...
- Yes?
- Let's be done with this.