Ashens and the Quest for the Gamechild (2013) Movie Script
Richard.
Ashens.
Well this is the place.
You sure?
Bet my left hairy bollock on it.
Thanks, Richard, that's a mental picture I'll treasure.
Come on.
I'm looking for Iqbal.
Who is looking?
I am.
I don't understand.
We. The two of us. Are looking for Iqbal.
Where is he?
Oh, why didn't you just say so?
No need to get your knickers in a tit.
He's in the back.
Oh, no, you wait here.
Again?!
Why'd you bring me?
You keep an eye on things, yeah?
Fine.
Are you Iqbal?
You know why I'm here?
Your very attractive friend tells me you're in the market for a Q-Mutt 17.
Correct.
Do you even know what that is?
The Q-Mutt 17 is a rip-off of the Dancing Digidog, the most popular Christmas toy of 2002.
It looks exactly the same as the real device, it was a quarter of the price,
and rather than dancing, it simply emitted a series of loud beeps,
and then fell over.
Very impressive.
So, can I see it then?
Yeah. You may.
Well can I see it then?!
Alright mate, calm down!
No need to get your knickers in a tit!
What does that mean?
Don't you worry.
Who's your mama?!
You are! Mummy!
Why does she always need the reassurance?
You guarantee that this is a rip-off Q-Mutt 17?
Course!
Look, do you want it or not? I've got ten buyers lined up, alright?!
This tail is translucent.
So? So what?!
The Q-Mutt 17 had an opaque tail.
This, is a genuine Digidog!
You know nothin'!
Oh, I think I do.
The pain is indescribable!
It's just water, mate. I was thirsty earlier on.
Oh, sorry, I thought 'cause of the whole context, it was horrible chemicals or something.
Oh, I can understand why you thought that, I mean, yeah, definitely tap water.
Not filtered, but it's tap water.
Do you want a towel?
A towel, that'd be great, cheers man, I didn't see that there.
Richard! Richard, he making a run for it!
Cut him off in the alley!
I'm on it!
Sorry! I have to go!
Remember me?
Wait! My Facebook!
Ugh! Not you!
You always were a bit slow, weren't you, Rashens?
Idiot!
You were supposed to head that guy off!
It turns out, that sniveling little turd, Nemesis was behind it all.
I'm in the pub!
Richard?
This is why I work alone!
# Nobody plays the game better,
# But no one could play it much worse.
# You alone know these rules to the letter,
# And they spell out your mission, and curse.
# Obsolete hardware from years ago,
# Finding it all is your aim.
# From thriftstores to eBay to Antique Roadshows,
# Adventure is your favourite game.
# Oh, and Ashens is your name.
# But where will this lead in the end? For no man is an island of tat.
# Perhaps what you need is a friend, could you imagine that?
# Your mission's about to begin, if you don't lose then you might just win.
# We're routing for you, you odd little bearded prat!
# Terrible hardware from years gone by,
# Worthless old relics, you claim.
# There's one left to get now, don't give in and cry.
# Adventure is your favourite game.
# Oh, and Ashens is your name.
# Or, is it Ashen?
# I'm confused about the 'S'.
# Ashen...s.
# Ashen... uh... s.
Hah! Stuart!
Stuart!
Sorry, do I know you?
It's me.
It's Chef.
Chef... What?
Oh my God... Geoff?
Geoffrey Excellence?
I didn't recognise you!
Yeah...
I didn't know you were back in town, and dressed as a chef.
But I am a chef!
I'm Chef Excellence.
Oh yeah! You're the mascot for that uh, Kid's food line, weren't you?
Yeah... Did you ever see any of my stuff?
A bowl for you... Oh yes, and obviously one for you, honey.
There you go, kiddies.
What's wrong? Why you not eat food?
Good kiddies, eat your food!
If you do not, then Chef will be pretty sad.
And when Chef gets sad.
Chef get angry.
Chef get angry!
Angry! He gets so angry!!!
Eat your food, kids! Eat it all up!!!
Eat your food, please. For Chef.
Very, very angry! Eat your food! Eat your food.
Yeah, alright mate, calm down.
I'm going to grab a bite to eat, so it was lovely to see you again... Yeah?
I know a great place.
Fine.
When did you move back?
A few months ago, I lost my job.
If you lost your job, why are you dressed as a chef?
I'll always be a chef. A true chef, is a chef regardless of his employment status.
Fair enough.
I loved that job. I had a company car in the shape of a baguette.
The ladies loved it.
Then they went and replaced me with...
Ooh... Calm down, there. You were the Ronald McDonald of cheap italian food. I get it.
Oh right, Stuart!
I've seen the stuff you do on YouTube you know.
Reviewing bits of tat on a brown sofa.
It's not exactly The Matrix, is it?
Maybe the Third one...
See, Geoff?
This is exactly why we don't-
Look um, it's getting late, I've got loads of stuff to do. Nice to see you again.
Are you going? I mean... w-w-w... Do you live around here?
Umm... Yeah, yeah, just up near the park.
Anyway, see you later.
Geoff?
Hey!
How's it going?
You don't have anywhere to sleep, do you?
What?!
Please can I stay with you?
Uhh... I'm not really a "come and stay on my sofa" kind of guy.
Oh, come on Stuart!
Please, just for old times sake. Please!
Ple-ple-ple-ple-ple-please! Please!!!
Please let me stay with you!!!
Okay! Okay, but it's just for one night, yeah?
Just for one night. Just one night.
Come on.
I have one question.
Why were you there, when you had that right next to you?
Don't judge me!
Come on! Come on, you're letting all the heat out.
There's heat?!
I'll give you the tour.
This is the living room.
Wow! You sure do have a lot of crap.
Yes, I do!
Don't touch anything though, I like things a particular way.
You won't even notice I'm here.
Good.
Come on, I'll show you the rest of the house.
Okay, sink's here. There's the cooker. That's the fridge, obviously.
Dining room is through here.
You've seen the living room of course.
What's in here?
That's just a room I use for storage, don't worry about that.
Oh... It's locked.
Can I have a look?
Oh no, no I just remembered I've lost the key.
Let's get you sorted-
Why is it locked?
Just leave it alone! You're going to damage something.
There's no reason for you to go in there.
C'mon Stu, why is this locked?!!
Oh, wow!
No! Don't go down there!
Come on, Geoff!
Hello?
Yeah, hi. It's Stuart from next door.
Could you keep it down a bit please? I've got somebody over.
Oh, sorry, I must have got carried away.
Yeah, thanks, bye.
It's my neighbour. He's a bit of a weirdo.
Some kind of improvisational jazz musician or something.
You never see him without his costume on.
Weirdo.
Come on, Geoff. Nobody is allowed in here.
What is all this stuff, is this all the tat you've reviewed?
No. No. This is something... Different.
What is it?
There's something you don't know about me,
something very few people know.
I'm a collector.
I collect very rare, but absolutely worthless collectibles.
That's so cool!
What's this?
It's nothing!
What is it?
Look, it's a long and boring story, and I'm tired.
Come on, Stu.
What's the Game Child?
It's the one thing I have always desired, and never gotten hold of.
That's very cryptic, Stu, but not very helpful.
The Game Child is a rip-off of the first popular handheld games console.
It was the first of its type, and to my knowledge, the only one.
It was released around 1989, but only put out in very small numbers.
But aren't those rip-off games everywhere?
Usually.
Do you really want to know?
Ok, I'll start from the beginning.
It was a different, more simple time.
You have to remember, these were the very early days of handheld consoles.
We knew that the Game Child was being released, but nobody knew where.
However, my sources gave me a lead.
Oh hey! Mashens!
Stashens!
Gashens!
Fashens!
Yes, I get it, Nemesis! God, you're a right pain in the arse!
A right pain in your mum's arse!
Guess where I'm going?
Don't care.
Guess.
Don't care.
Guess!
Still don't care.
Guess!!!
Your weekly rectal exam.
No! That's Thursday!
I'm going to go buy the only Game Child in Norwich!
Oh, that's where you're going, isn't it Stuart?
You thought you were the only one who knew.
Yeah well you're not getting this one first, you little git!
Hey, Nemesis!
It's 'Nee Mah Si' you idiot!
Hey! Stuart, Stuart, Stuart!
Where are you going?
Sorry Geoff, I'm in the middle of something.
Wait, do you want to try some of this, it's my own recipe?
It's a Pakistani and Italian blend.
Oh, no time! No time!
Can I come with you?
Not this time.
Stuart!
That's it. That little prat got the Game Child, and I didn't.
Wow... And in all that time, you've not be able to come across another Game Child?
No, I haven't.
But I thought you were some sort of super collector of collectibles...
Well it doesn't mean I can magic one out of thin air, does it?!
Oh, I'm sorry. Okay.
Look, there is more to the story than that.
There was a total recall on the product.
Turned out it was frying kids eyes, and burning their fingers.
Oh, God!
Only two hundred were sold, and do you want to know the weird thing?
The company refunded more money than they were actually sold for.
Even Nemesis handed his in.
And it was the Terrifically Good Company... Your Terrifically Good Company, who issued the refunds.
There's nothing 'terrific' or 'good' about them, Stuart.
I've heard rumours that there's one still out there, but I've never been able to track it down.
So there's a Game Child out there?
Maybe. I don't know.
Come on, you've got to be a bit curious, right?!
I mean, look at all this stuff!
You've got to be the best collector of collectibles.
I'm sure you can find it.
We could find it. It could be our quest!
Our what?
A quest, you know, a long arduous search for something,
a kind of journey, to an ultimate goal.
I know what a quest is, Doctor Thesaurus!
But I'm not interested in going on one.
Come on, it could be fun!
Come on!
No.
I'm tired now.
You can sleep in the back room.
Stuart.
Woah!
Bloody Hell!
Now then, Stuart. I'm gonna tell you something.
Y'see this door, here?
You're gonna have a ball of a time.
Bloody sofa is talking to me again!
What the?
Argh! I'm no good at dodging these!
Only the cool kids were allowed to be in goal!
Oh, come on! This is unlikely at best!
Oh great! Electricity.
Woah...
Sorry, what was that? I can't quite hear you.
Do what? Could you speak up a bit?
I said find the Game Child! You deaf git!
Oh, right! Find the Game Child.
Find the Game Child! It is your destiny.
But where do I find it?!
You know what you have to do.
A little help would be good.
Figure it out yourself, you lazy bastard!
Oh, ow!
That's starting to hurt now!
Oh right, That's getting very painful now!!!
Argh!!!
Well that was bloody obvious, wasn't it?!
There's nothing worse than a preachy claymation!
Morning, Stu.
Whatcha doing?
I'm going on a trip.
Where?
To find the Game Child.
A quest!
It's not a quest!
Okay, fine! Where do we begin?
Not 'we', 'me'.
But it was my idea!
Yeah, well I work alone!
Ooh I work alone!
That's stupid!
No it's not. You're stupid.
You see?
You say I haven't changed! You haven't changed either.
Ooh, Mr. Secretive! "Oh don't touch my things!"
"Everything's so precious!"
Would it really kill you to let me join you?
Okay, you can come, but don't slow me down, yeah?
Oh great! Oh, this is going to be so good!
This is going to be amazing!
What are you wearing?!
Well... Well you know... Uh...
There's a time and place...
You know I l- It's one of- You know what it's like- You never been-
It keeps me warm!!!
Go and get ready! And change out of that!
Hi, Ashens!
Hey, fella, I'm Richard.
It's nice to meet you! I'm Chef Excellence!
Fair enough...
Well, it looks like we're going on another mission.
Well, I am.
Great! What are we tracking down?!
Sorry, Richard. I'm doing this one alone.
Well, Geoff here is going to tag along.
W-w-why can't I go?!
Because you've let me down too many times!
I'm sorry, Stuart, I'll make it up to you!
Maybe next time, eh?
Sorry, buddy.
So, where are we heading, Stuart?
To see my old professor from uni, and he is not going to be happy to see me.
Why?
It's complicated.
That's not very helpful, Stuart, what happened?
I left his research team in the middle of a big project.
Why?
It was to do with my girlfriend at the time.
Alright?
Hey, Stu, let me handle this.
A true Chef is a master of all communication.
You alright there, my good man?
Let me handle this.
I didn't know you could speak Klingon.
Go and find us somewhere to sit, yeah?
'Scuse me.
Pint of whatever's cheapest, please.
Hi.
Hello.
So, uhh... Nice spoon you've got there.
I'm trying to bend it, with my mind!
You try.
Oh, no, I'm alright, mate.
Do not try to bend the spoon.
But you said to bend the spoon.
To bend the spoon is impossible. Only try to realise the truth.
That there is no spoon.
There is a spoon, you just gave it to me. I've got it right here.
The spoon only exists in your mind!
No, it exists in my hand! Look!
Physically real spoon.
It does not exist!
Right!
Peanuts on the spoon!
Peanuts are real.
But the spoon? No, sir.
Yes! So what, are they floating in the air?
No...
Are they floaty-peanuts?
It's a bloody spoon! It's in my hand
It's not real!
This is clearly a spoon, look!
It's not real!
Spoon! Spoon! Spoon!
Lalalalalalala!
There!
See?!
Cheers.
I wish people would stop doing that to me.
So, what was that about over there?
Don't know, just some guy who's really confused about the existence of cutlery.
Ah...
So, how can this professor help us on our quest?
He's the most brilliant man I've ever known.
And he's as obsessed with the Game Child as I am.
Oh.
Ready?
Stay here, yeah?
Oh w-w-wait.
Let me come with you, Stu.
Come on, don't leave me out here.
Not with...
Spoon Boy...
I mean, look at him!
No, it's better that I go alone.
Grab yourself a pint of something.
Stuart Ashen.
Professor.
It's been a while.
You've got a nerve, showing up here.
Well I'm here, so surely we can forget about all that.
You ruined me, Ashens!
I ruined you?! You're the one who had sex with my girlfriend!
You're still upset about that?! That was years ago!
You hold a grudge, don't you?!
She was just using me, if that's any consolation!
No, it isn't!
You were my lecturer, and you slept with the only girl I ever cared about!
Okay, okay, point taken!
You didn't have to tell the vice-chancellor!
Not this again! I didn't tell anybody!
Everything fell apart after you left.
A year later I was thrown out of the university.
So what do you want, Stuart?!
Yes!
Another!
You're not still looking for the Game Child, after all these years?!
Do you know where it is?
I might.
But, you'd have to prove yourself worthy of this quest!
It's not a quest, I'm just looking for an old video game system!
That was always one of your failings. You could never see the big picture.
What do I have to do?
You must pass the test.
What is this test?
You must beat me at the most intensive game of skill and wits ever devised by the human mind.
Space Attack!
Is that all?
I'll have you know I am a very formidable opponent!
Yeah.
And I was Norfolk Space Attack Champion 1985, 1986, 87, and 89.
88 was cancelled, due to illness.
You can do it! You can do it!
The spoon doesn't exist!
It doesn't exist! It's not real!
You can bend it with your mind!
Do it!
Push yourself! Bend the spoon!
Come on! Come on!
Yes!
One-Nil to me!
Boom!
Hah!
Oh, sod this!
Where's the Game Child?!
Ow! Stop it!
Tell me.
Ow!
Yes! Yes!
Oh my God!
What's that?
What am I looking at, where?!
Yes!!!
The spoon doesn't exist!
It doesn't exist!
I told you all!
I know.
I know!
Dicks!
Tell me!
Tell me!
Alright, alright! I'll tell you!
You and your bloody quest!
It's not a quest!
Look, I don't know where the Game Child is.
But!
I can help you, on your journey.
First, you must find the Oracle.
That's the best you can do?!
Oh, and there's this.
Abadgh...
Is that a place in Wales?
I've never followed it up.
Why couldn't you have just told me this in the first place.
Uhh... Just a bit lonely back here.
Do you uhh... Do you ever see her?
Who?
Your ex. Ashley.
No, I haven't seen her since she dumped me.
Why?
As I said, very lonely.
You know, I've never really apologised to you for what I did.
No, you didn't.
No, I didn't.
And you still haven't.
Oh right...
Look, Stuart...
I really am sorry, I hope you can forgive me.
It's been good to see you again, professor.
Good luck.
Thanks.
Stuart?
Stuart!
Stuart! Hey!
I bent a spoon!
With my frickin' mind, man!
Good for you-
With my mind!
Good for you.
Now, let's go. Put your hand around here...
You should have took me with you.
Get off the chair, come on.
I could have helped!
You're almost as bad as Richard!
Who?!
Who's Richard?!
Hi there.
My name, of course, is Chef Brilliance!
And everything I make is, well, brilliant.
I'm here to tell you about my brand new food for kiddies.
Made by me, Chef Brilliance.
Now just take a look at what you've been putting into your kids mouths.
Eurgh.
Now, did you know, that the more colourful your food is, the better it is?
And all I have to do, is sprinkle a little bit of brilliance on it.
That's why my brand new range only comes in colour.
And that's what we, at the Terrifically Good Company, call Terrifically Good Food.
Chef Brilliance's almost lasagne-like food products.
Only in colour.
What's the matter?
I don't want to talk about it.
That's fine, I respect your privacy.
Get off my back, man!
Shut up, and listen.
I miss my job.
What happened?
I thought they were encouraging kids to eat more healthily,
but then one night I was working late, and I wandered into the lab.
One of the things I loved most about my job was that I was helping kids,
and I thought all the foods being made were all natural, and organic,
but I learned otherwise.
What I saw in the lab...
What I saw...
It was unspeakable!
I confronted them the next day, and they fired me on the spot.
That's when they replaced me with...
That's when they replaced me with Chef Brilliance!
He's taken everything from me.
Everything!
I'd do anything to get my job back!
There, there. Everything is going to be fine.
Thanks, Stuart. You know, you're a really good friend.
So, anyway...
Yeah.
Who's the Oracle?
I don't know. That's what I'm trying to work out.
"The answer is more obvious than you think"...
What does that mean?
What is it?
Come on. Let's go.
Oh, it's Ashens again.
Hello, Stuart?
Hello? Hello?!
Ashens, you're arse-dialling me!
Oh, that is so annoying!
Now, where was I, he's totally interrupted my creative flow.
Don't look behind us, I think we're being followed.
Why are you wearing orange?!
It's the only one they had at the store.
I told you do wear black!
Who would be following us?
A right pain in my arse.
On the count of three, we make a run for it.
Wait, one, two and three?
Or, one, two... and-
Just run!
I can't run, I've got asthma!
Who was that?!
I'll tell you later. Let's go.
Stuart? Stuart.
Where are we?
It'd be nice to be included once in a while.
Read this.
"The Oracle Computer"... What is it?
It's something that just happens to be in this very building.
What is this place?
It's a library.
A library?! Wow!
Stuart.
Hi, Marian.
It's been a while.
Yeah... Yeah, sorry about that... I've been busy.
Hmm... Let me guess.
You've been busy with your "secret missions", that "must be undertaken alone."?
Or is it "I'm an island!"? Or... I've got one for you...
"I'm too stupid to know when I've got a really good thing going on!"?
Uh, yeah... Something like that.
This is Geoff.
Have you met Geoff?
Hello!
Hello Geoff.
This is really awkward!
Marian, I said I'm sorry.
Is there any chance we can get back into the archives?
Not a chance!
You know you're not allowed back there.
Please?
Plus, they've just installed a new security system.
It'd be the last time. I promise.
Why do you keep coming back here, Stuart?
Yeah! Why do you keep on coming back here?!
I don't understand you.
Fine, but don't let anyone see you.
Thanks Marian, I owe you one.
You owe me more than one!
Stuart, what was all that about?
It's a long story.
What's with all the big secrets?!
Look, we went out on a couple of dates, but you know, my life's very complicated so umm...
Stuart, life is only as complicated as you make it.
Yes... Thanks Socrates!
Come on.
You know, Stuart, I really like it back here.
Yeah, I like to think of it as the bowels of the library.
This would be the lower intestine.
Ah, well if this is the lower intestine, what does that make us?
Euuuurgh!
Let's go.
I have no memory of this place!!!
Oh, we're not lost are we?!
Oh, no, it's just down here.
Sorry, I don't know what I was thinking then.
I don't know where we are.
Maybe we should follow this sign.
It's got to be through here somewhere.
Hey, Geoff...
Help us with this.
Careful...
Oh, a door!
Yeah, a locked door...
Hang on, I can take care of this...
No, I can't, it's magnetically sealed.
There's got to be a trigger around here somewhere.
Well, what does the trigger look like?
I'll know it when I see it.
Well, this shouldn't be here.
I reckon these are musical notes.
Thank you, Professor.
Something happened!
That's good, Stuart...
I don't think we have much time though.
Argh!
Umm...
Oh God, right... Uhh...
That's it!
Oh, I wish I paid more attention in piano lessons.
Uhh...
There's no such note as "H"!
What says "H"?!
Oh... Thank God.
See, that is why our Council Tax is so high!
I thought we were going to die.
Right! Well, Geoff. Meet the Oracle.
Oh wow!
It looks like total crap!
Early '80s Z80 compatible, with proprietary serial buffer.
Used as a localised teletext server.
Stuart, some of the stuff you know is so inspiring!
Or really... Really depressing!
So, this shouldn't be too hard to access, then.
Oi! Shift over!
I'll find the back door. I always find the back door.
Yeah, I've heard the rumours! Look, just shift!
No! You shift!
What is going on?!
Half the bloody floor is missing out there!
Oh, yeah! Sorry about that.
I want you out! Now!
Come on, Marian, we only just got in!
The floor's already collapsed, so it's not going to get any worse.
Okay, you can stay.
On one condition.
You have to let me join you on this mission.
Oh... No.
That's not a good idea.
It'd be really boring.
Stuart, I get about 3 people a month in here.
Anything you're doing has to be more exciting than that!
Come on, Stuart!!! Let her join us, it'll be great!!!
Come on, we could do with the company!
We'd be like The Three Musketeers!
Except, you know, they were guys, and, you know...
You're obviously a lady...
A very, very lovely lady.
Well, thank you, Geoff.
That's enough of that!
Fine, you can come, but don't slow us down, yeah?
I won't! I promise!
Right, do you need help with the password?
No, of course not!
Aren't you a clever boy?!
Right. Time to find the Game Child.
Oh...
It looks like a map...
But, what use is a map without any place names?
I'll print it anyway.
Come on, let's go!
Yes!
I've got it!
Right, are we ready to go?!
Yeah... I think that's it.
Okay, I just need to lock up!
Ooh, we're going on a little adventure!
This is going to be so much fun!
Come on, let's go!
Let's go!
What are you doing?!
What about Marian?!
What are we doing?
Come on!
She's still in there!
I know, come on!
Stupid! Stuart... Ashens...
Ashens.... Ass Head!
Stupid name, with his stupid YouTube channel.
Stupid, stupid, stupid!
Oh... Hello, sorry we're closed.
We're not here to take out any books... You idiot.
You know what? I've had a really horrible day, and you're very annoying.
So leave.
I was just telling your friend. We're closed. Now get out!
Oh, we'll go...
But you'll be joining us.
What are you talking about?!
Get off of me!
We shouldn't have done that, Stuart, she seemed treally nice!
She is, she is really nice.
I just don't want to get her mixed up in this insanity.
I knew it! You like her, don't you?
You like her!
# Ashens and Marian sitting in a tree...
# K-I-S-S-I-N-G
# F-U-
Yeah! Alright!!!
That's enough of that!
So what's the problem? She obviously likes you!
I don't want to talk about it.
Oh, come on, Stuart, don't be like that.
I like to keep my life simple.
I'm not accountable to anybody else.
Nobody is accountable to me.
Otherwise things get messy.
Oh, God, that is ridiculous!
You're not an island, Stuart.
# "No man is an island".
Well it works for me.
I don't think it does.
Just drop it, yeah?
Come on, Captain Unaccountable, what are you avoiding?
Geoff. Enough.
Ooh, what's the matter with you?
Fine! Alright, you really want to know?
Of course I do.
Well, at school I was the weird kid, who knew all the answers,
and was obsessed with tat, and you know...
That's not really a recipe for popularity or friends...
Then at university I thought I'd found somewhere I fit in, but...
Then the Professor went and... Well...
You know that story.
Whenever I get close to people I get hurt.
I was your friend at school.
Yeah... Yeah, you were.
Well, has it been that horrible having me about?
Yes, it's been the worst thing that's ever happened to me in my entire life!
Geoff's right, Ashens.
You can't keep shutting people out forever.
It makes for a very lonely life.
Trust me, I know.
Exactly.
See, that's what I've been trying to tell him.
He just doesn't listen.
A life without risk is a life half-lived.
Do you mind? This is a private conversation.
I'm sorry.
So where are we heading?
Well, I know someone who would help us with the map.
It's just that he's in a secure psychiatric facility.
Seriously?!
Are none of your acquaintances not total nutjobs?!
Let me do the talking...
I've got a fake I.D. Card.
Okay.
Hello, Wesley.
Nice to see you again.
Lovely weather we're having for this time of year...
Nice for this month, on average... Umm...
You've got ten minutes
Hello!
I can smell your thoughts!
Eurgh!
Oh! Hello there!
How's it going?!
I'm fine, cheers!
How's you?
I'm not too bad, considering I've been in here for several years for no good reason!
You killed seventeen people because they beat your high score at Donkey Kong, Larry.
Well... There's that...
Who's your mate?
I'm Chef Excellence!
Well you want to be careful about going on adventures with him!
Last time I was with him, I lost one of my fingers.
But you've got five fingers!
I had six!
It's true...
Look, we need some information.
Anything you want, mate.
About the Game Child.
Anything except that, mate.
Look, can you just have a look at this map, and tell us what place it is?
I've told you about the Game Child before.
I'm not telling you.
Please! It's really important.
-Oi! This I.D. Card's a fake!!!
Run!
It's in Sadonion!
Run!
Ashens?
Sadonion...
I know where that place is.
Oh, damn it, Ashens!
I had better go and find him,
otherwise he'll be calling me with his arse all day!
Argh!
Geoff?
Geoff?
Geoff!
Geoff! Geoff!
Over here, mate!
Where have you been?
I got lost for a second.
I was really worried.
I'm fine.
I just got sidetracked.
I thought you'd been captured or something!
Yeah, you would have loved that, wouldn't you?
What? What are you talking about?
Admit it. You don't want me on this mission, and you have never wanted me around!
No! That's not true!
It is true!
You'll just ditch me.
Just like everyone else has my entire life.
Look, I don't know what's gotten into you, but I should have left you in there with all the other lunatics!
Yeah...You're right...
I'm not right, am I?
At least you're not wearing that Chef's hat anymore.
Come on, let's go.
Stuart Ashen!!!
Bloody hell!
What are you doing here?!
You've been arse-dialling me all day!!!
Oh...
Oh, sorry, I didn't realise!
Yes, it was quite annoying,
but it gives me the opportunity to apologise to you in person.
I appreciate that my music may have been a trifle too loud, and for this, I am sorry.
It's alright. Yeah. Um... This is my friend, Geoff.
Hey! Great costume!
It's not a costume!
Weirdo.
Anyway, I overheard your situation, and I have a necessary experience to help you on your quest.
It's not a quest. It's a mission.
Yeah whatever. I shall lead you to Sadonion.
We're going to walk to Sadonion?
One does not simply walk into Sadonion.
Come with me.
Stuart, I'm scared!
I think I went to a hotel like this place.
I want to turn back!
It's not good.
I swore I would never return to this place..
So, you have returned, Champion of the Shining Death's Head!
The nightmares beyond this fog all still hold much danger for thee.
Ashens. Come with me.
What happened here?
The creatures beyond this wall have never proffered an explanation.
And those that have sought one have found only madness!
I bet the house prices are cheap, though.
Eh... Not if you want a place by the seafront.
You don't want to mess around in there.
This will stop most of the horrors, but probably won't help me against the tentacle-headed things.
But, what are you going to do?
Can't be too careful.
I can't let you do this. This is my mission.
You would never survive in that place.
Come on, Stu. Let someone help you for once.
Okay. Okay.
Good Luck.
Thank you.
Do not cross the fog wall!
The Silver Skull will return!
The Silver Skull forgot his lunch box.
What?!
Right, back in a minute.
What the hell was that?!
I don't know, man.
Did you make the stick yourself? Or eBay?
So do you guys wait here all day? Do you have somewhere to go, like, in the evening when it gets a bit cold?
Are you in a union, or something? Or a civil partnership?
You alright? Come on!
You're alright, mate, I've got you!
Come on. Come on.
Oh...
The tentacle-headed things. There were too many.
I'm sorry.
Help me take this mask off.
Let me look on you with-
With your own eyes. Yes.
I'm dying here! I can quote whatever I like!
Sorry! Sorry!
But...
You're quite obviously the famous actor, Warwick Davis!
Yes. You may remember me from the Star Wars and Harry Potter franchises,
as well as the 1988 fantasy film, Willow.
But how can you be the Silver Skull?
I just put this mask on. It's not rocket science!
But, you're the wrong height!
You don't have to be a certain height to wear a mask, you know!
No, I meant, the Silver Skull is tall, isn't he?
I'm an actor. It's called acting.
I mean, it's like a, a matter of physics, isn't it?
Oh, so now I have to be 5 foot 7 to understand the basic principles of science, now?
No, that's not what I meant at all!
Crestfallen guy! Help me out, here.
You know what you are?! You're an idiot! And a bigot!
You've got the wrong end of the stick!
I got you!
What?!
I was just pulling your leg!
I thought it up with that guy, over there.
Unbelievable!
So you're not really dying then?
No! I'm fine!
And you're not Warwick Davis.
I'm quite clearly Warwick Davis.
Oh... Right. Right.
Here, give me a hand up.
But.... Oh forget it.
See you later!
Weirdos...
Hi. I'm Stuart.
Who are you?
Hey, dude, they call me the Guide.
So, presumably, you guide people places?
Yeah, man, that's pretty much it in a nutshell.
Look, you have saved my life, and I am in your debt.
The Silver Skull told me of your quest to find the Game Child.
Why do people keep calling it a quest?
I know where the Game Child is, man!
Oh, fantastic! Where?!
Follow me.
But, before we go, I must warn you both...
The path is not going to be easy.
It's going to be filled with treacherous obstacles,
and danger, and stuff.
Understood.
Very well.
Stuart, it's filled with stuff! That could be anything!
I know.
I know, calm down.
Oh, come on Guide. We've been walking for days!
It's not too far now.
My legs are killing me.
My feet as well!
His moaning is killing me.
Treat the frisbee as if it was your own child.
Throw it out of your hand like your first born son.
You're really channeling Mother Earth's energy.
This is like Tron Legacy, only less disappointing!
There's stuff in my face!
Nature's eating me!
Come on, let it out.
That is the lamest thing I've ever seen in my life.
You can talk, hippy boy!
There's someone I want to introduce you to.
A good old friend of mine, isn't that right you old son of a birch?!
We need to be cracking on, mate.
Come on, Guide, let's not.
Guide! Come on!
We'll always have Woodstock.
I'm about to channel the energy from the frisbee.
Yeah, you keep doing that.
A toast to a good time!
And clean bowels.
That's the best kind!
We're here, man.
You said it was going to be dangerous!
Well, you know, that coffee was hot.
And I hurt my finger playing frisbee.
Fair enough...
So, the Game Child's in here. What is this place?
The Game Child has traveled across many paths, and this is its current home.
A really, super-cool, hip, conceptual artist has used it in his latest exhibition.
So how to we get past the electric fence?
Oh, this fence isn't actually electrified.
It's just an illusion, dude.
It's designed to deter the uninitiated.
Are you sure?
Have I steered you the wrong way yet?
Well, no, but look at the sign.
Then just chill!
Trust me, dude!
Shouldn't we test it or something first, at least?
There's no need for tests, when you have faith in your own knowledge.
Bloody hell!
Get a stick!
Oh God, hang in there man, you'll be fine!
Unless you're already dead!
I can't tell!
Electricity is your friend.
Just go with the flow!
I'm running out of reassuring things to say!
It's the amps that kill you, not the volts!
Guide?
Guide, are you okay?
Psst! Come on, sleepyhead!
Time for school.
Stuart, I don't think he's going to make it!
Poor guy!
On the plus side, I think he shorted out the electric fence.
Well at least his death wasn't entirely in vain.
What shall we do with the body?
Don't worry, Stuart.
A true Chef knows how to honor his fallen comrades.
Woah! Hang on there!
There could be alarms, and sensors, and red laser beams...
You know, like those ones in the movies?
Let me check.
Don't worry, Stuart.
A true Chef will always defer to a security expert.
Good for you.
Yep, just as I thought.
Red lasers everywhere.
Oh, God.
I'm going to need to talk you through this.
You up to it?
I don't know, I jus-
You can do this, Geoff.
I believe in you.
You believe in me?!
I can do this, Stuart.
I can do this!
Right. Focus, look straight ahead,
and do exactly as I say, when I say it, yeah?
Three steps forward.
Okay.
Stop!
Excellent, now raise your left arm in the air.
Like this?
Yep, higher, as far as you can get it.
That's good, very good.
Now, Left leg, bring it up.
Little bit higher.
Is that okay?
Good.
Very good.
Now, spin your foot around in a circle.
A little bit wider.
I can't look at this, I'm not looking, Stu!
Now, with your right arm, pat your head.
Like this?
That's it.
Keep going, it's good!
Calm down!
Calm down!
Keep going.
I can't!
There's nothing there!
I thought I was going to die!
Yeah, you always were gullible.
Come on, let's get this thing.
Stuart, it's-
It's the Game Child!
It's the Game Child.
What's that?!
Stuart, I'm sorry!
What's happening? What are you doing?!
So what's a Game Child when it's at home?
I had it! I had it in my hands!
I know!
I don't understand!
How did they know we were there?!
I don't know, we must have tripped an alarm or something.
They couldn't possibly have got there that quick though!
I don't know!!!
What's gotten into you?!
Nothing's gotten to me! Nothing! I'm fine!
You've been bailed.
Excellent!
Just him.
What?
Ashley? What the hell are you doing here?!
And what are you doing with that prat?!
Idiot!
Stewie! Nice to see you again!
How long has it been?
What, since you slept with the Professor, dumped me, and disappeared?
About ten years, five months, and two days.
Oh, Stewie...
It's Stuart! Not Stewie. I always hated "Stewie".
Fine, Stuart.
First off, Nemesis and I, we're... Friends.
Nemesis... That's a ridiculous name!
I told you! It's pronounced "Nee Mah Si"!
Stress the "I"!
It's Japanese!
Yes!
And more importantly,
your friend Geoff here,
he works for me.
I'm really sorry, Stuart.
They gave me my old job back.
I just couldn't say no.
You bastard!
You ridiculous, fake chef, bastard.
You can't even cook!
A true Chef doesn't need to know how to cook, or boil water, or-
And your friend, Marian.
Well, she also works for me now.
Fine. What has all this got to do with me?
You still haven't worked it out?
We want the Game Child.
I always thought your obsession with the Game Child was so childish!
If only I had known.
But Daddy enlightened me.
Oh, your father, yeah...
Yeah the great man who spent the last half of his life in a straight jacket.
And he never told you that you were pretty when you were a little girl.
Tragic.
I'm over that!
We couldn't find the Game Child.
But I knew you could.
You just needed a little encouragement.
So it was you who send the magazine with that text.
Everybody leave.
I want to be alone with Stuart.
Idiot!
I'm really... So sorry...
Ashens... And Ashley...
I always found that rather amusing.
Yeah, and you always were easily amused.
We did have fun back then.
Young love, and all that.
But I won't lie to you Stuart.
You were just a stepping stone.
In my youth, I was a bit... Insensitive.
But who would have known that spending time with little old you,
would reveal the importance of the Game Child!
The Game Child is inherently worthless.
Oh, Stuart. Even worthless things have their uses sometimes.
Oh, and by the way, it was me all those years ago,
who told the university about my affair with the Professor.
Oopsie.
Do you mind?!
Sorry.
Goodbye, Stuart.
Enjoy your stay.
Man! That is one crazy broad!
You're not wrong.
Oh my God...
Are you who I think you are?!
Maybe?
You're the guy who does the comedy thing!
Yeah... Yeah that's me.
Oh my God!!!
I love you!
You're so funny, with your weird sense of humour!
Thanks, thanks, yeah...
You okay? You seem a bit down.
Sorry, yeah, I just had a really bad couple of days.
Do you want to tell me about it.
I don't know, just sometimes I wonder why I bother.
You can't be like that! Not you!
Thousands of people cherish your work, and all the hilarious things you make!
You're a hero of mine...
Really?!
Hell, yeah!
Look, I know some people don't understand why you do what you do,
but that's no reason to give up!
Keep on going!
Do it for your fans!!!
Yeah!
Yeah, you're right!
People have always doubted me, and it's never stopped me before!
Why should it stop me now?!
Thanks anonymous stranger, you've been extremely helpful.
Oh my God, no problem!!!
Glad I could help!!!
You're not going to believe this!
Guess who I just met!
Guess!
Who?!
I just met Simon Pegg!!!
I know!!!
Citizen!
Get in the car, citizen. You're not safe here.
Oh, no that's fin-
Get in the back of the car!
Your very life hangs in the balance, my friend.
Quickly!
Woo! Dodged a bullet there, mate.
Really? How?
Lot of weirdos around here, my friend.
We've been beaten up in that alleyway, just there.
Why did you keep going back?
Five times.
By the same old lady.
It was kind of hot!
Need a lift anywhere then, mate?
Uh... yeah, that's why I got in the car.
I'm going to the headquarters of the Terrifically Good Company.
Are you going to the old industrial estate?
Well, I dunno, we're pretty-
Sure are, big balls!
... Thanks, thanks... So are you two off
to a fancy dress party or something?
What? No!
- We're Knighthood and Decoy!
- Britain's best super heroes!
Britain's only super heroes!
Why, are you going to a party?!
Oh, God no.
I hate parties. I'm actually on a mission at the moment.
Ooh...
That's a shame. We love parties.
# Everybody does!
# Make love to the music!
# And-
Don't, don't ever, make love to the music.
Sorry.
Here we are, sugar-tits.
... Thanks...
You know, you really shouldn't do this mission of yours alone.
Very Dangerous.
Yeah, I've been thinking about that a lot recently.
Thanks, ever so much for the lift. Very kind.
Take these.
Thanks.
And this.
Never know when that's going to come in handy.
Probably for tying something, or someone up.
And making objects far away seem nearer than they are, but it's up to you.
Well, thanks, that's very kind of you.
And here!
Jesus!
Have this.
It's a complimentary Limited Edition Knighthood and Decoy Cheese Knife.
That's great, great.
Remember...
"Cut the cheese, with Knighthood and Decoy!"
Catchy...
Thank you for the culinary utensils.
No worries.
You're a sweet, sweet man. Take care.
Good luck with the Mish!
Nice guy.
Very nice! Very nice.
Didn't leave a tip, though.
Yeh, like petrol is free.
I gave him a cheese knife.
Yeah, but that's merchandise.
That's marketing.
Yeah, so he'll remember us.
Everytime he cuts the cheese.
You shouldn't have come here, Stuart.
Oh look, it's Chef Judas!
A true Chef knows how to stab his friends in the back!
You just couldn't let it go, could you?!
You couldn't stand to see my name in lights!
What?
Enough!
Give me that.
What are you doing?
I'm sorry, Stuart.
Drop your weapons. I said drop them!
Put your hands up! I said down! Get Down!
So it was all a trick then?
Yeah... Yeah it was uhh... Just a ruse to help us on our quest-
I mean on our-
No.
No, it wasn't, Stuart. I did betray you.
I'm sorry, I just really wanted my old life back.
But when I finally had it, I realised I didn't need it anymore.
It's alright, it's been good having you along,
and I know I haven't exactly been the best friend.
Thanks, Stuart.
Oh, God. I forgot! They've got Marian.
Yeah, she's working with-
No! They've taken her captive!
Really?!
Yeah!
I've got an idea!
You seen the original Star Wars?
Yeah! Of course I have!
I've seen all the Star Wars films.
Now, you remember with Luke and Han, dress up in Stormtrooper armour to rescue Leia from the Death Star?
Yeah...
We could do exactly that!
Hang on, mate.
That's not the right holster for that blaster rifle!
I think I know where we went wrong.
Right, what's the plan?
Well, the good thing about my betrayal was I was able to find out where they're keeping Marian and the Game Child.
Excellent!
All we have to do is hack into their computer system and override their security.
Which you should be able to do in no time at all.
Thanks, Geoff, but I'm sure you can handle this.
Thanks, Stuart.
Well, it's time to do some serious hacking!
Good work, Geoff, good work.
Uhh... Thanks...
There they are, level B.
This way.
Twenty years! Twenty years!
That's where we need to go.
But wait a second...
That's the guy they replaced me with.
That's Chef Brilliance!
But it looks like he's been booted down to security.
Well that must make you happy.
You know what? It doesn't.
I'll create a distraction and draw him away from the door.
No, don't worry about that. We'll work something out together.
It's alright, Stuart. I want to do this.
... women. Baguette cars! Living the high life! I was living the dream!
Bloody security duty! If my mother could see me now...
Oi!
Ashens... With an "S"...
Aren't you tired of losing to me?!
Even I'm bored of it!
You're not going to win this time!
You're old.
A Relic of a bygone era.
I am the better man in every way.
You're just an-
Ow!
Idiot.
You!
Why did you have to come back and take my job?!
It was my job first!
You were gone!
It was mine! Mine! Mine!!!
Oh, Marian, I am so sorry about this!
Alright there?
It's fine! Just bloody hurry up before they come back!
Alright, I've never actually done this before.
I met your ex-girlfriend.
So that's the type you go for, is it? Completely mental?
It was a long time ago!
I'm going to have to cut this. Hold still.
Quick!
Yep, it's going.
Stewie.
Step away from your little girlfriend.
Uh-uh! Back up!
No misbehaving now.
Stuart!
I know I haven't been very nice to you, Stuart,
but I still need your help.
It seems that Game Child is encrypted, and I really need access to it.
What you really need is access to psychiatric help!
N-n-no! Don't do that!
Aww, that's so sweet! Aww...
I'll give you one minute before I pull the trigger.
Starting...
Now.
This is ridiculous! This thing can't be encrypted!
But it is...
You want to do this?
Bring it on!
I'm sure you want to know what is so secret about the Game Child.
It's something so special that even you didn't know.
When assembled together correctly, the Game Child makes a nuclear bomb!
Good God! What are you talking about?!
You're as mental as your father!
He wasn't mental!
It was a misdiagnosis!
45 seconds.
It was all very Top Secret.
It was at the end of The Cold War.
You couldn't walk more than ten feet without tripping over some plutonium!
A deranged factory worker had the idea.
To smuggle a simple, yet effective nuclear weapon, in the first shipment of Game Childs.
That's absolutely ridiculous!
30 seconds!
Our company was responsible for the shipment, but Daddy only realised after he shipped the first two hundred.
He of course, recalled them.
Daddy always wanted his own nuclear bomb.
The Crazy Octopus! The Crazy Octopus!
Argh!
15 seconds!
But there was one missing.
One, with the trigger device, and we couldn't find it.
Not until I pulled your strings.
And here we are.
So what was your plan? Were you going to set it off and hide in a fridge?
10 seconds!!!
Hurry, Stuart!
My finger might slip!!!
You know, I've always wanted to blow something up.
I'm not sure what, yet.
Maybe a pub, or a house full of collectibles!
Five.
Four.
Three.
Two.
Hang on! Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right...
Got it! Thank you Konami!
Thank you, Stuart.
You see? We are good for each other.
I know how to motivate you.
Ashens!
You got lucky this time.
But don't think that changes anything!
I am still your superior in every wa-
Argh!
I was expecting that, you idiot!
So you were expecting it, but you didn't get out of the way.
I like being punched in the face...
You like being punched in the face?
Yes...
No!
Let's see how you like it!
There is no defense against The Crane Kick, old man!
Walk towards me then!
No.
It doesn't work unless you're walking towards me.
I don't care!
Come on!
No!
Ah! I'm getting cramp!
Good!
I'm going to switch legs. Don't attack me while I'm changing over.
Do you promise?
No.
Please promise.
No!
Pretty Please!
Okay, fine.
Argh!
I should have seen that coming!
Oh, my balls!!!
My precious balls!
You always were a pathetic excuse for a Chef!
You never did deserve to wear the uniform!
Aren't you going to fight back?!
Of course not! I'm a strict pacifist!
For a true Chef knows that he must never harm another person,
for even his worst enemy is still a potential customer.
Hm. I never thought of it like that.
Argh!
Argh!
Stuart...
I'll have the Game Child now!
You know, this quest has taught me a lot of things,
and it's taught me that this is not important.
Don't make me laugh!
The Game Child is the only thing that's important to you.
Maybe once.
But you're forgetting something.
You told me that this is special, and of immense value.
And? Your point is?
Things of worth, are worthless to me!
No!
No!
No, no, no!
You ruined it!
You ruined it all!
Die!
Great work, Marian!
I'm so sorry I got you mixed up in all this.
Don't apologise! That was amazing!
I hardly ever get to punch anyone in the library!
Stuart!
Everything okay?
It is now.
It is now.
So I guess someone should probably call the police or something.
Yeah, definitely.
Oh, I've lost my phone.
I can't believe it, mine was in my satchel.
There was a call-box when we came in.
Just around the corner.
Has anyone got any change?
Uh...
I had some, but I bought some mints.
Don't look at me, I'm homeless.
And I dropped the mints.
Oh, it's 999, it's free!
Is it?
Yeah.
It's not.
It's only free after 6pm isn't it?
No, it's always free, it's an emergency!
No, they charge you, I've been charged for that.
Oh God, she's waking up. Stamp on her!
Stamp on her!
That's him! That's him!
I never loved you.
I know.
So what do we do now?
Well, isn't it obvious? We're going to have a party!
No, you know I don't like parties!
I'm an island!
Oh, come on, Stuart!
Haven't you learn anything from this quest?!
Alright, alright, we're going to have a party.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Hey guys, I'm Geoff Excellence, and welcome to my channel,
where we talk about everything that's excellent.
But you know, it's not just about me.
I'd love to hear from you guys as well.
So make sure you leave me a comment below.
Thumbs up!
So, yeah, basically that's it!
You know, I realised I didn't need anybody else.
I could do it on my own.
Absolutely amazing.
Yeah!
Sorry, what are we looking at exactly?
That was my YouTube channel.
Oh... Okay...
What's YouTube?
YouTube!
I'm just asking!
No... You Tube.
-Yeah, you're the Tube!
-Taking the piss out of someone because they didn't understand...
Richard?
Hi, Stuart!
You're not dead are you?
No, no.
Ever since you told me about the Game Child, I just had to try it.
One of the ones full of plutonium?
Yeah!
So I called in a favour with MI:6...
I think I might have radiation poisoning.
Do you think I could sue someone?
Maybe... Maybe.
Yes!
I'm going to be rich!
See you back at the party.
Stuart!
Come back to the party!
I am not supposed to be in here!
Don't you people know who I am?!
I am a master criminal!
Why have you put me in here with these plebs?!
What are you looking at?!
And why do you have a hat on indoors?!
Don't you know how hot it is?!
You complete n00b!
And you think that tough guy beard makes you look tough?!
You are both,
complete,
IDIOTS!
Oh, okay.
You're going to beat me up.
That old jail clich!
Okay, yep, this is happening.
Okay. I'm not scared.
Ow! That didn't hurt!
That didn't hurt either!
Argh!
You just broke my pelvis!
Ah! My sweet pelvis!
# But where will this lead in the end? For no man is an island of tat.
# Perhaps what you need is a friend, can you imagine that?
# Your mission's about to begin, if you don't lose then you might just win.
# We're routing for you, you odd little bearded prat!
# Terrible hardware from years gone by,
# Worthless old relics you claim.
# There's one left to get now, don't give in and cry.
# You said that adventure's your game.
# Oh, but Ashens, is your actual name.
# Or is it Ashen?
# Why the extra 'S', Ashens?
# I'm confused about the 'S'...
"My Daddy, he likes to blow up the world. What does your daddy like to do?"
"Well, my name is Ashens, and I collect tat!"
"Hello!"
"And maybe, I want a Game Child. Yeah, I do."
"Hang about, no I don't!"
You must die!
Everybody must die!
Kaboom! Whee!!!
Everybody dies!
Calm down now.
Where are your slippers? Look, your feet will get cold, won't they?
I don't want my slippers!
They're full of plutonium!
Well that will just keep your feet warm, won't it?
Let's get them on shall we?
Everybody died!
I know they did, they all died.
They went kaboom!
Yeah, they went kaboom. Let's get you up, shall we?
There we go.
One foot in.
Toasty!
I like toast. I like eating toast.
Do you?
Yeah.
Nice and toasty, like everybody dying.
Kaboom.
Goodbye!
Ashens.
Well this is the place.
You sure?
Bet my left hairy bollock on it.
Thanks, Richard, that's a mental picture I'll treasure.
Come on.
I'm looking for Iqbal.
Who is looking?
I am.
I don't understand.
We. The two of us. Are looking for Iqbal.
Where is he?
Oh, why didn't you just say so?
No need to get your knickers in a tit.
He's in the back.
Oh, no, you wait here.
Again?!
Why'd you bring me?
You keep an eye on things, yeah?
Fine.
Are you Iqbal?
You know why I'm here?
Your very attractive friend tells me you're in the market for a Q-Mutt 17.
Correct.
Do you even know what that is?
The Q-Mutt 17 is a rip-off of the Dancing Digidog, the most popular Christmas toy of 2002.
It looks exactly the same as the real device, it was a quarter of the price,
and rather than dancing, it simply emitted a series of loud beeps,
and then fell over.
Very impressive.
So, can I see it then?
Yeah. You may.
Well can I see it then?!
Alright mate, calm down!
No need to get your knickers in a tit!
What does that mean?
Don't you worry.
Who's your mama?!
You are! Mummy!
Why does she always need the reassurance?
You guarantee that this is a rip-off Q-Mutt 17?
Course!
Look, do you want it or not? I've got ten buyers lined up, alright?!
This tail is translucent.
So? So what?!
The Q-Mutt 17 had an opaque tail.
This, is a genuine Digidog!
You know nothin'!
Oh, I think I do.
The pain is indescribable!
It's just water, mate. I was thirsty earlier on.
Oh, sorry, I thought 'cause of the whole context, it was horrible chemicals or something.
Oh, I can understand why you thought that, I mean, yeah, definitely tap water.
Not filtered, but it's tap water.
Do you want a towel?
A towel, that'd be great, cheers man, I didn't see that there.
Richard! Richard, he making a run for it!
Cut him off in the alley!
I'm on it!
Sorry! I have to go!
Remember me?
Wait! My Facebook!
Ugh! Not you!
You always were a bit slow, weren't you, Rashens?
Idiot!
You were supposed to head that guy off!
It turns out, that sniveling little turd, Nemesis was behind it all.
I'm in the pub!
Richard?
This is why I work alone!
# Nobody plays the game better,
# But no one could play it much worse.
# You alone know these rules to the letter,
# And they spell out your mission, and curse.
# Obsolete hardware from years ago,
# Finding it all is your aim.
# From thriftstores to eBay to Antique Roadshows,
# Adventure is your favourite game.
# Oh, and Ashens is your name.
# But where will this lead in the end? For no man is an island of tat.
# Perhaps what you need is a friend, could you imagine that?
# Your mission's about to begin, if you don't lose then you might just win.
# We're routing for you, you odd little bearded prat!
# Terrible hardware from years gone by,
# Worthless old relics, you claim.
# There's one left to get now, don't give in and cry.
# Adventure is your favourite game.
# Oh, and Ashens is your name.
# Or, is it Ashen?
# I'm confused about the 'S'.
# Ashen...s.
# Ashen... uh... s.
Hah! Stuart!
Stuart!
Sorry, do I know you?
It's me.
It's Chef.
Chef... What?
Oh my God... Geoff?
Geoffrey Excellence?
I didn't recognise you!
Yeah...
I didn't know you were back in town, and dressed as a chef.
But I am a chef!
I'm Chef Excellence.
Oh yeah! You're the mascot for that uh, Kid's food line, weren't you?
Yeah... Did you ever see any of my stuff?
A bowl for you... Oh yes, and obviously one for you, honey.
There you go, kiddies.
What's wrong? Why you not eat food?
Good kiddies, eat your food!
If you do not, then Chef will be pretty sad.
And when Chef gets sad.
Chef get angry.
Chef get angry!
Angry! He gets so angry!!!
Eat your food, kids! Eat it all up!!!
Eat your food, please. For Chef.
Very, very angry! Eat your food! Eat your food.
Yeah, alright mate, calm down.
I'm going to grab a bite to eat, so it was lovely to see you again... Yeah?
I know a great place.
Fine.
When did you move back?
A few months ago, I lost my job.
If you lost your job, why are you dressed as a chef?
I'll always be a chef. A true chef, is a chef regardless of his employment status.
Fair enough.
I loved that job. I had a company car in the shape of a baguette.
The ladies loved it.
Then they went and replaced me with...
Ooh... Calm down, there. You were the Ronald McDonald of cheap italian food. I get it.
Oh right, Stuart!
I've seen the stuff you do on YouTube you know.
Reviewing bits of tat on a brown sofa.
It's not exactly The Matrix, is it?
Maybe the Third one...
See, Geoff?
This is exactly why we don't-
Look um, it's getting late, I've got loads of stuff to do. Nice to see you again.
Are you going? I mean... w-w-w... Do you live around here?
Umm... Yeah, yeah, just up near the park.
Anyway, see you later.
Geoff?
Hey!
How's it going?
You don't have anywhere to sleep, do you?
What?!
Please can I stay with you?
Uhh... I'm not really a "come and stay on my sofa" kind of guy.
Oh, come on Stuart!
Please, just for old times sake. Please!
Ple-ple-ple-ple-ple-please! Please!!!
Please let me stay with you!!!
Okay! Okay, but it's just for one night, yeah?
Just for one night. Just one night.
Come on.
I have one question.
Why were you there, when you had that right next to you?
Don't judge me!
Come on! Come on, you're letting all the heat out.
There's heat?!
I'll give you the tour.
This is the living room.
Wow! You sure do have a lot of crap.
Yes, I do!
Don't touch anything though, I like things a particular way.
You won't even notice I'm here.
Good.
Come on, I'll show you the rest of the house.
Okay, sink's here. There's the cooker. That's the fridge, obviously.
Dining room is through here.
You've seen the living room of course.
What's in here?
That's just a room I use for storage, don't worry about that.
Oh... It's locked.
Can I have a look?
Oh no, no I just remembered I've lost the key.
Let's get you sorted-
Why is it locked?
Just leave it alone! You're going to damage something.
There's no reason for you to go in there.
C'mon Stu, why is this locked?!!
Oh, wow!
No! Don't go down there!
Come on, Geoff!
Hello?
Yeah, hi. It's Stuart from next door.
Could you keep it down a bit please? I've got somebody over.
Oh, sorry, I must have got carried away.
Yeah, thanks, bye.
It's my neighbour. He's a bit of a weirdo.
Some kind of improvisational jazz musician or something.
You never see him without his costume on.
Weirdo.
Come on, Geoff. Nobody is allowed in here.
What is all this stuff, is this all the tat you've reviewed?
No. No. This is something... Different.
What is it?
There's something you don't know about me,
something very few people know.
I'm a collector.
I collect very rare, but absolutely worthless collectibles.
That's so cool!
What's this?
It's nothing!
What is it?
Look, it's a long and boring story, and I'm tired.
Come on, Stu.
What's the Game Child?
It's the one thing I have always desired, and never gotten hold of.
That's very cryptic, Stu, but not very helpful.
The Game Child is a rip-off of the first popular handheld games console.
It was the first of its type, and to my knowledge, the only one.
It was released around 1989, but only put out in very small numbers.
But aren't those rip-off games everywhere?
Usually.
Do you really want to know?
Ok, I'll start from the beginning.
It was a different, more simple time.
You have to remember, these were the very early days of handheld consoles.
We knew that the Game Child was being released, but nobody knew where.
However, my sources gave me a lead.
Oh hey! Mashens!
Stashens!
Gashens!
Fashens!
Yes, I get it, Nemesis! God, you're a right pain in the arse!
A right pain in your mum's arse!
Guess where I'm going?
Don't care.
Guess.
Don't care.
Guess!
Still don't care.
Guess!!!
Your weekly rectal exam.
No! That's Thursday!
I'm going to go buy the only Game Child in Norwich!
Oh, that's where you're going, isn't it Stuart?
You thought you were the only one who knew.
Yeah well you're not getting this one first, you little git!
Hey, Nemesis!
It's 'Nee Mah Si' you idiot!
Hey! Stuart, Stuart, Stuart!
Where are you going?
Sorry Geoff, I'm in the middle of something.
Wait, do you want to try some of this, it's my own recipe?
It's a Pakistani and Italian blend.
Oh, no time! No time!
Can I come with you?
Not this time.
Stuart!
That's it. That little prat got the Game Child, and I didn't.
Wow... And in all that time, you've not be able to come across another Game Child?
No, I haven't.
But I thought you were some sort of super collector of collectibles...
Well it doesn't mean I can magic one out of thin air, does it?!
Oh, I'm sorry. Okay.
Look, there is more to the story than that.
There was a total recall on the product.
Turned out it was frying kids eyes, and burning their fingers.
Oh, God!
Only two hundred were sold, and do you want to know the weird thing?
The company refunded more money than they were actually sold for.
Even Nemesis handed his in.
And it was the Terrifically Good Company... Your Terrifically Good Company, who issued the refunds.
There's nothing 'terrific' or 'good' about them, Stuart.
I've heard rumours that there's one still out there, but I've never been able to track it down.
So there's a Game Child out there?
Maybe. I don't know.
Come on, you've got to be a bit curious, right?!
I mean, look at all this stuff!
You've got to be the best collector of collectibles.
I'm sure you can find it.
We could find it. It could be our quest!
Our what?
A quest, you know, a long arduous search for something,
a kind of journey, to an ultimate goal.
I know what a quest is, Doctor Thesaurus!
But I'm not interested in going on one.
Come on, it could be fun!
Come on!
No.
I'm tired now.
You can sleep in the back room.
Stuart.
Woah!
Bloody Hell!
Now then, Stuart. I'm gonna tell you something.
Y'see this door, here?
You're gonna have a ball of a time.
Bloody sofa is talking to me again!
What the?
Argh! I'm no good at dodging these!
Only the cool kids were allowed to be in goal!
Oh, come on! This is unlikely at best!
Oh great! Electricity.
Woah...
Sorry, what was that? I can't quite hear you.
Do what? Could you speak up a bit?
I said find the Game Child! You deaf git!
Oh, right! Find the Game Child.
Find the Game Child! It is your destiny.
But where do I find it?!
You know what you have to do.
A little help would be good.
Figure it out yourself, you lazy bastard!
Oh, ow!
That's starting to hurt now!
Oh right, That's getting very painful now!!!
Argh!!!
Well that was bloody obvious, wasn't it?!
There's nothing worse than a preachy claymation!
Morning, Stu.
Whatcha doing?
I'm going on a trip.
Where?
To find the Game Child.
A quest!
It's not a quest!
Okay, fine! Where do we begin?
Not 'we', 'me'.
But it was my idea!
Yeah, well I work alone!
Ooh I work alone!
That's stupid!
No it's not. You're stupid.
You see?
You say I haven't changed! You haven't changed either.
Ooh, Mr. Secretive! "Oh don't touch my things!"
"Everything's so precious!"
Would it really kill you to let me join you?
Okay, you can come, but don't slow me down, yeah?
Oh great! Oh, this is going to be so good!
This is going to be amazing!
What are you wearing?!
Well... Well you know... Uh...
There's a time and place...
You know I l- It's one of- You know what it's like- You never been-
It keeps me warm!!!
Go and get ready! And change out of that!
Hi, Ashens!
Hey, fella, I'm Richard.
It's nice to meet you! I'm Chef Excellence!
Fair enough...
Well, it looks like we're going on another mission.
Well, I am.
Great! What are we tracking down?!
Sorry, Richard. I'm doing this one alone.
Well, Geoff here is going to tag along.
W-w-why can't I go?!
Because you've let me down too many times!
I'm sorry, Stuart, I'll make it up to you!
Maybe next time, eh?
Sorry, buddy.
So, where are we heading, Stuart?
To see my old professor from uni, and he is not going to be happy to see me.
Why?
It's complicated.
That's not very helpful, Stuart, what happened?
I left his research team in the middle of a big project.
Why?
It was to do with my girlfriend at the time.
Alright?
Hey, Stu, let me handle this.
A true Chef is a master of all communication.
You alright there, my good man?
Let me handle this.
I didn't know you could speak Klingon.
Go and find us somewhere to sit, yeah?
'Scuse me.
Pint of whatever's cheapest, please.
Hi.
Hello.
So, uhh... Nice spoon you've got there.
I'm trying to bend it, with my mind!
You try.
Oh, no, I'm alright, mate.
Do not try to bend the spoon.
But you said to bend the spoon.
To bend the spoon is impossible. Only try to realise the truth.
That there is no spoon.
There is a spoon, you just gave it to me. I've got it right here.
The spoon only exists in your mind!
No, it exists in my hand! Look!
Physically real spoon.
It does not exist!
Right!
Peanuts on the spoon!
Peanuts are real.
But the spoon? No, sir.
Yes! So what, are they floating in the air?
No...
Are they floaty-peanuts?
It's a bloody spoon! It's in my hand
It's not real!
This is clearly a spoon, look!
It's not real!
Spoon! Spoon! Spoon!
Lalalalalalala!
There!
See?!
Cheers.
I wish people would stop doing that to me.
So, what was that about over there?
Don't know, just some guy who's really confused about the existence of cutlery.
Ah...
So, how can this professor help us on our quest?
He's the most brilliant man I've ever known.
And he's as obsessed with the Game Child as I am.
Oh.
Ready?
Stay here, yeah?
Oh w-w-wait.
Let me come with you, Stu.
Come on, don't leave me out here.
Not with...
Spoon Boy...
I mean, look at him!
No, it's better that I go alone.
Grab yourself a pint of something.
Stuart Ashen.
Professor.
It's been a while.
You've got a nerve, showing up here.
Well I'm here, so surely we can forget about all that.
You ruined me, Ashens!
I ruined you?! You're the one who had sex with my girlfriend!
You're still upset about that?! That was years ago!
You hold a grudge, don't you?!
She was just using me, if that's any consolation!
No, it isn't!
You were my lecturer, and you slept with the only girl I ever cared about!
Okay, okay, point taken!
You didn't have to tell the vice-chancellor!
Not this again! I didn't tell anybody!
Everything fell apart after you left.
A year later I was thrown out of the university.
So what do you want, Stuart?!
Yes!
Another!
You're not still looking for the Game Child, after all these years?!
Do you know where it is?
I might.
But, you'd have to prove yourself worthy of this quest!
It's not a quest, I'm just looking for an old video game system!
That was always one of your failings. You could never see the big picture.
What do I have to do?
You must pass the test.
What is this test?
You must beat me at the most intensive game of skill and wits ever devised by the human mind.
Space Attack!
Is that all?
I'll have you know I am a very formidable opponent!
Yeah.
And I was Norfolk Space Attack Champion 1985, 1986, 87, and 89.
88 was cancelled, due to illness.
You can do it! You can do it!
The spoon doesn't exist!
It doesn't exist! It's not real!
You can bend it with your mind!
Do it!
Push yourself! Bend the spoon!
Come on! Come on!
Yes!
One-Nil to me!
Boom!
Hah!
Oh, sod this!
Where's the Game Child?!
Ow! Stop it!
Tell me.
Ow!
Yes! Yes!
Oh my God!
What's that?
What am I looking at, where?!
Yes!!!
The spoon doesn't exist!
It doesn't exist!
I told you all!
I know.
I know!
Dicks!
Tell me!
Tell me!
Alright, alright! I'll tell you!
You and your bloody quest!
It's not a quest!
Look, I don't know where the Game Child is.
But!
I can help you, on your journey.
First, you must find the Oracle.
That's the best you can do?!
Oh, and there's this.
Abadgh...
Is that a place in Wales?
I've never followed it up.
Why couldn't you have just told me this in the first place.
Uhh... Just a bit lonely back here.
Do you uhh... Do you ever see her?
Who?
Your ex. Ashley.
No, I haven't seen her since she dumped me.
Why?
As I said, very lonely.
You know, I've never really apologised to you for what I did.
No, you didn't.
No, I didn't.
And you still haven't.
Oh right...
Look, Stuart...
I really am sorry, I hope you can forgive me.
It's been good to see you again, professor.
Good luck.
Thanks.
Stuart?
Stuart!
Stuart! Hey!
I bent a spoon!
With my frickin' mind, man!
Good for you-
With my mind!
Good for you.
Now, let's go. Put your hand around here...
You should have took me with you.
Get off the chair, come on.
I could have helped!
You're almost as bad as Richard!
Who?!
Who's Richard?!
Hi there.
My name, of course, is Chef Brilliance!
And everything I make is, well, brilliant.
I'm here to tell you about my brand new food for kiddies.
Made by me, Chef Brilliance.
Now just take a look at what you've been putting into your kids mouths.
Eurgh.
Now, did you know, that the more colourful your food is, the better it is?
And all I have to do, is sprinkle a little bit of brilliance on it.
That's why my brand new range only comes in colour.
And that's what we, at the Terrifically Good Company, call Terrifically Good Food.
Chef Brilliance's almost lasagne-like food products.
Only in colour.
What's the matter?
I don't want to talk about it.
That's fine, I respect your privacy.
Get off my back, man!
Shut up, and listen.
I miss my job.
What happened?
I thought they were encouraging kids to eat more healthily,
but then one night I was working late, and I wandered into the lab.
One of the things I loved most about my job was that I was helping kids,
and I thought all the foods being made were all natural, and organic,
but I learned otherwise.
What I saw in the lab...
What I saw...
It was unspeakable!
I confronted them the next day, and they fired me on the spot.
That's when they replaced me with...
That's when they replaced me with Chef Brilliance!
He's taken everything from me.
Everything!
I'd do anything to get my job back!
There, there. Everything is going to be fine.
Thanks, Stuart. You know, you're a really good friend.
So, anyway...
Yeah.
Who's the Oracle?
I don't know. That's what I'm trying to work out.
"The answer is more obvious than you think"...
What does that mean?
What is it?
Come on. Let's go.
Oh, it's Ashens again.
Hello, Stuart?
Hello? Hello?!
Ashens, you're arse-dialling me!
Oh, that is so annoying!
Now, where was I, he's totally interrupted my creative flow.
Don't look behind us, I think we're being followed.
Why are you wearing orange?!
It's the only one they had at the store.
I told you do wear black!
Who would be following us?
A right pain in my arse.
On the count of three, we make a run for it.
Wait, one, two and three?
Or, one, two... and-
Just run!
I can't run, I've got asthma!
Who was that?!
I'll tell you later. Let's go.
Stuart? Stuart.
Where are we?
It'd be nice to be included once in a while.
Read this.
"The Oracle Computer"... What is it?
It's something that just happens to be in this very building.
What is this place?
It's a library.
A library?! Wow!
Stuart.
Hi, Marian.
It's been a while.
Yeah... Yeah, sorry about that... I've been busy.
Hmm... Let me guess.
You've been busy with your "secret missions", that "must be undertaken alone."?
Or is it "I'm an island!"? Or... I've got one for you...
"I'm too stupid to know when I've got a really good thing going on!"?
Uh, yeah... Something like that.
This is Geoff.
Have you met Geoff?
Hello!
Hello Geoff.
This is really awkward!
Marian, I said I'm sorry.
Is there any chance we can get back into the archives?
Not a chance!
You know you're not allowed back there.
Please?
Plus, they've just installed a new security system.
It'd be the last time. I promise.
Why do you keep coming back here, Stuart?
Yeah! Why do you keep on coming back here?!
I don't understand you.
Fine, but don't let anyone see you.
Thanks Marian, I owe you one.
You owe me more than one!
Stuart, what was all that about?
It's a long story.
What's with all the big secrets?!
Look, we went out on a couple of dates, but you know, my life's very complicated so umm...
Stuart, life is only as complicated as you make it.
Yes... Thanks Socrates!
Come on.
You know, Stuart, I really like it back here.
Yeah, I like to think of it as the bowels of the library.
This would be the lower intestine.
Ah, well if this is the lower intestine, what does that make us?
Euuuurgh!
Let's go.
I have no memory of this place!!!
Oh, we're not lost are we?!
Oh, no, it's just down here.
Sorry, I don't know what I was thinking then.
I don't know where we are.
Maybe we should follow this sign.
It's got to be through here somewhere.
Hey, Geoff...
Help us with this.
Careful...
Oh, a door!
Yeah, a locked door...
Hang on, I can take care of this...
No, I can't, it's magnetically sealed.
There's got to be a trigger around here somewhere.
Well, what does the trigger look like?
I'll know it when I see it.
Well, this shouldn't be here.
I reckon these are musical notes.
Thank you, Professor.
Something happened!
That's good, Stuart...
I don't think we have much time though.
Argh!
Umm...
Oh God, right... Uhh...
That's it!
Oh, I wish I paid more attention in piano lessons.
Uhh...
There's no such note as "H"!
What says "H"?!
Oh... Thank God.
See, that is why our Council Tax is so high!
I thought we were going to die.
Right! Well, Geoff. Meet the Oracle.
Oh wow!
It looks like total crap!
Early '80s Z80 compatible, with proprietary serial buffer.
Used as a localised teletext server.
Stuart, some of the stuff you know is so inspiring!
Or really... Really depressing!
So, this shouldn't be too hard to access, then.
Oi! Shift over!
I'll find the back door. I always find the back door.
Yeah, I've heard the rumours! Look, just shift!
No! You shift!
What is going on?!
Half the bloody floor is missing out there!
Oh, yeah! Sorry about that.
I want you out! Now!
Come on, Marian, we only just got in!
The floor's already collapsed, so it's not going to get any worse.
Okay, you can stay.
On one condition.
You have to let me join you on this mission.
Oh... No.
That's not a good idea.
It'd be really boring.
Stuart, I get about 3 people a month in here.
Anything you're doing has to be more exciting than that!
Come on, Stuart!!! Let her join us, it'll be great!!!
Come on, we could do with the company!
We'd be like The Three Musketeers!
Except, you know, they were guys, and, you know...
You're obviously a lady...
A very, very lovely lady.
Well, thank you, Geoff.
That's enough of that!
Fine, you can come, but don't slow us down, yeah?
I won't! I promise!
Right, do you need help with the password?
No, of course not!
Aren't you a clever boy?!
Right. Time to find the Game Child.
Oh...
It looks like a map...
But, what use is a map without any place names?
I'll print it anyway.
Come on, let's go!
Yes!
I've got it!
Right, are we ready to go?!
Yeah... I think that's it.
Okay, I just need to lock up!
Ooh, we're going on a little adventure!
This is going to be so much fun!
Come on, let's go!
Let's go!
What are you doing?!
What about Marian?!
What are we doing?
Come on!
She's still in there!
I know, come on!
Stupid! Stuart... Ashens...
Ashens.... Ass Head!
Stupid name, with his stupid YouTube channel.
Stupid, stupid, stupid!
Oh... Hello, sorry we're closed.
We're not here to take out any books... You idiot.
You know what? I've had a really horrible day, and you're very annoying.
So leave.
I was just telling your friend. We're closed. Now get out!
Oh, we'll go...
But you'll be joining us.
What are you talking about?!
Get off of me!
We shouldn't have done that, Stuart, she seemed treally nice!
She is, she is really nice.
I just don't want to get her mixed up in this insanity.
I knew it! You like her, don't you?
You like her!
# Ashens and Marian sitting in a tree...
# K-I-S-S-I-N-G
# F-U-
Yeah! Alright!!!
That's enough of that!
So what's the problem? She obviously likes you!
I don't want to talk about it.
Oh, come on, Stuart, don't be like that.
I like to keep my life simple.
I'm not accountable to anybody else.
Nobody is accountable to me.
Otherwise things get messy.
Oh, God, that is ridiculous!
You're not an island, Stuart.
# "No man is an island".
Well it works for me.
I don't think it does.
Just drop it, yeah?
Come on, Captain Unaccountable, what are you avoiding?
Geoff. Enough.
Ooh, what's the matter with you?
Fine! Alright, you really want to know?
Of course I do.
Well, at school I was the weird kid, who knew all the answers,
and was obsessed with tat, and you know...
That's not really a recipe for popularity or friends...
Then at university I thought I'd found somewhere I fit in, but...
Then the Professor went and... Well...
You know that story.
Whenever I get close to people I get hurt.
I was your friend at school.
Yeah... Yeah, you were.
Well, has it been that horrible having me about?
Yes, it's been the worst thing that's ever happened to me in my entire life!
Geoff's right, Ashens.
You can't keep shutting people out forever.
It makes for a very lonely life.
Trust me, I know.
Exactly.
See, that's what I've been trying to tell him.
He just doesn't listen.
A life without risk is a life half-lived.
Do you mind? This is a private conversation.
I'm sorry.
So where are we heading?
Well, I know someone who would help us with the map.
It's just that he's in a secure psychiatric facility.
Seriously?!
Are none of your acquaintances not total nutjobs?!
Let me do the talking...
I've got a fake I.D. Card.
Okay.
Hello, Wesley.
Nice to see you again.
Lovely weather we're having for this time of year...
Nice for this month, on average... Umm...
You've got ten minutes
Hello!
I can smell your thoughts!
Eurgh!
Oh! Hello there!
How's it going?!
I'm fine, cheers!
How's you?
I'm not too bad, considering I've been in here for several years for no good reason!
You killed seventeen people because they beat your high score at Donkey Kong, Larry.
Well... There's that...
Who's your mate?
I'm Chef Excellence!
Well you want to be careful about going on adventures with him!
Last time I was with him, I lost one of my fingers.
But you've got five fingers!
I had six!
It's true...
Look, we need some information.
Anything you want, mate.
About the Game Child.
Anything except that, mate.
Look, can you just have a look at this map, and tell us what place it is?
I've told you about the Game Child before.
I'm not telling you.
Please! It's really important.
-Oi! This I.D. Card's a fake!!!
Run!
It's in Sadonion!
Run!
Ashens?
Sadonion...
I know where that place is.
Oh, damn it, Ashens!
I had better go and find him,
otherwise he'll be calling me with his arse all day!
Argh!
Geoff?
Geoff?
Geoff!
Geoff! Geoff!
Over here, mate!
Where have you been?
I got lost for a second.
I was really worried.
I'm fine.
I just got sidetracked.
I thought you'd been captured or something!
Yeah, you would have loved that, wouldn't you?
What? What are you talking about?
Admit it. You don't want me on this mission, and you have never wanted me around!
No! That's not true!
It is true!
You'll just ditch me.
Just like everyone else has my entire life.
Look, I don't know what's gotten into you, but I should have left you in there with all the other lunatics!
Yeah...You're right...
I'm not right, am I?
At least you're not wearing that Chef's hat anymore.
Come on, let's go.
Stuart Ashen!!!
Bloody hell!
What are you doing here?!
You've been arse-dialling me all day!!!
Oh...
Oh, sorry, I didn't realise!
Yes, it was quite annoying,
but it gives me the opportunity to apologise to you in person.
I appreciate that my music may have been a trifle too loud, and for this, I am sorry.
It's alright. Yeah. Um... This is my friend, Geoff.
Hey! Great costume!
It's not a costume!
Weirdo.
Anyway, I overheard your situation, and I have a necessary experience to help you on your quest.
It's not a quest. It's a mission.
Yeah whatever. I shall lead you to Sadonion.
We're going to walk to Sadonion?
One does not simply walk into Sadonion.
Come with me.
Stuart, I'm scared!
I think I went to a hotel like this place.
I want to turn back!
It's not good.
I swore I would never return to this place..
So, you have returned, Champion of the Shining Death's Head!
The nightmares beyond this fog all still hold much danger for thee.
Ashens. Come with me.
What happened here?
The creatures beyond this wall have never proffered an explanation.
And those that have sought one have found only madness!
I bet the house prices are cheap, though.
Eh... Not if you want a place by the seafront.
You don't want to mess around in there.
This will stop most of the horrors, but probably won't help me against the tentacle-headed things.
But, what are you going to do?
Can't be too careful.
I can't let you do this. This is my mission.
You would never survive in that place.
Come on, Stu. Let someone help you for once.
Okay. Okay.
Good Luck.
Thank you.
Do not cross the fog wall!
The Silver Skull will return!
The Silver Skull forgot his lunch box.
What?!
Right, back in a minute.
What the hell was that?!
I don't know, man.
Did you make the stick yourself? Or eBay?
So do you guys wait here all day? Do you have somewhere to go, like, in the evening when it gets a bit cold?
Are you in a union, or something? Or a civil partnership?
You alright? Come on!
You're alright, mate, I've got you!
Come on. Come on.
Oh...
The tentacle-headed things. There were too many.
I'm sorry.
Help me take this mask off.
Let me look on you with-
With your own eyes. Yes.
I'm dying here! I can quote whatever I like!
Sorry! Sorry!
But...
You're quite obviously the famous actor, Warwick Davis!
Yes. You may remember me from the Star Wars and Harry Potter franchises,
as well as the 1988 fantasy film, Willow.
But how can you be the Silver Skull?
I just put this mask on. It's not rocket science!
But, you're the wrong height!
You don't have to be a certain height to wear a mask, you know!
No, I meant, the Silver Skull is tall, isn't he?
I'm an actor. It's called acting.
I mean, it's like a, a matter of physics, isn't it?
Oh, so now I have to be 5 foot 7 to understand the basic principles of science, now?
No, that's not what I meant at all!
Crestfallen guy! Help me out, here.
You know what you are?! You're an idiot! And a bigot!
You've got the wrong end of the stick!
I got you!
What?!
I was just pulling your leg!
I thought it up with that guy, over there.
Unbelievable!
So you're not really dying then?
No! I'm fine!
And you're not Warwick Davis.
I'm quite clearly Warwick Davis.
Oh... Right. Right.
Here, give me a hand up.
But.... Oh forget it.
See you later!
Weirdos...
Hi. I'm Stuart.
Who are you?
Hey, dude, they call me the Guide.
So, presumably, you guide people places?
Yeah, man, that's pretty much it in a nutshell.
Look, you have saved my life, and I am in your debt.
The Silver Skull told me of your quest to find the Game Child.
Why do people keep calling it a quest?
I know where the Game Child is, man!
Oh, fantastic! Where?!
Follow me.
But, before we go, I must warn you both...
The path is not going to be easy.
It's going to be filled with treacherous obstacles,
and danger, and stuff.
Understood.
Very well.
Stuart, it's filled with stuff! That could be anything!
I know.
I know, calm down.
Oh, come on Guide. We've been walking for days!
It's not too far now.
My legs are killing me.
My feet as well!
His moaning is killing me.
Treat the frisbee as if it was your own child.
Throw it out of your hand like your first born son.
You're really channeling Mother Earth's energy.
This is like Tron Legacy, only less disappointing!
There's stuff in my face!
Nature's eating me!
Come on, let it out.
That is the lamest thing I've ever seen in my life.
You can talk, hippy boy!
There's someone I want to introduce you to.
A good old friend of mine, isn't that right you old son of a birch?!
We need to be cracking on, mate.
Come on, Guide, let's not.
Guide! Come on!
We'll always have Woodstock.
I'm about to channel the energy from the frisbee.
Yeah, you keep doing that.
A toast to a good time!
And clean bowels.
That's the best kind!
We're here, man.
You said it was going to be dangerous!
Well, you know, that coffee was hot.
And I hurt my finger playing frisbee.
Fair enough...
So, the Game Child's in here. What is this place?
The Game Child has traveled across many paths, and this is its current home.
A really, super-cool, hip, conceptual artist has used it in his latest exhibition.
So how to we get past the electric fence?
Oh, this fence isn't actually electrified.
It's just an illusion, dude.
It's designed to deter the uninitiated.
Are you sure?
Have I steered you the wrong way yet?
Well, no, but look at the sign.
Then just chill!
Trust me, dude!
Shouldn't we test it or something first, at least?
There's no need for tests, when you have faith in your own knowledge.
Bloody hell!
Get a stick!
Oh God, hang in there man, you'll be fine!
Unless you're already dead!
I can't tell!
Electricity is your friend.
Just go with the flow!
I'm running out of reassuring things to say!
It's the amps that kill you, not the volts!
Guide?
Guide, are you okay?
Psst! Come on, sleepyhead!
Time for school.
Stuart, I don't think he's going to make it!
Poor guy!
On the plus side, I think he shorted out the electric fence.
Well at least his death wasn't entirely in vain.
What shall we do with the body?
Don't worry, Stuart.
A true Chef knows how to honor his fallen comrades.
Woah! Hang on there!
There could be alarms, and sensors, and red laser beams...
You know, like those ones in the movies?
Let me check.
Don't worry, Stuart.
A true Chef will always defer to a security expert.
Good for you.
Yep, just as I thought.
Red lasers everywhere.
Oh, God.
I'm going to need to talk you through this.
You up to it?
I don't know, I jus-
You can do this, Geoff.
I believe in you.
You believe in me?!
I can do this, Stuart.
I can do this!
Right. Focus, look straight ahead,
and do exactly as I say, when I say it, yeah?
Three steps forward.
Okay.
Stop!
Excellent, now raise your left arm in the air.
Like this?
Yep, higher, as far as you can get it.
That's good, very good.
Now, Left leg, bring it up.
Little bit higher.
Is that okay?
Good.
Very good.
Now, spin your foot around in a circle.
A little bit wider.
I can't look at this, I'm not looking, Stu!
Now, with your right arm, pat your head.
Like this?
That's it.
Keep going, it's good!
Calm down!
Calm down!
Keep going.
I can't!
There's nothing there!
I thought I was going to die!
Yeah, you always were gullible.
Come on, let's get this thing.
Stuart, it's-
It's the Game Child!
It's the Game Child.
What's that?!
Stuart, I'm sorry!
What's happening? What are you doing?!
So what's a Game Child when it's at home?
I had it! I had it in my hands!
I know!
I don't understand!
How did they know we were there?!
I don't know, we must have tripped an alarm or something.
They couldn't possibly have got there that quick though!
I don't know!!!
What's gotten into you?!
Nothing's gotten to me! Nothing! I'm fine!
You've been bailed.
Excellent!
Just him.
What?
Ashley? What the hell are you doing here?!
And what are you doing with that prat?!
Idiot!
Stewie! Nice to see you again!
How long has it been?
What, since you slept with the Professor, dumped me, and disappeared?
About ten years, five months, and two days.
Oh, Stewie...
It's Stuart! Not Stewie. I always hated "Stewie".
Fine, Stuart.
First off, Nemesis and I, we're... Friends.
Nemesis... That's a ridiculous name!
I told you! It's pronounced "Nee Mah Si"!
Stress the "I"!
It's Japanese!
Yes!
And more importantly,
your friend Geoff here,
he works for me.
I'm really sorry, Stuart.
They gave me my old job back.
I just couldn't say no.
You bastard!
You ridiculous, fake chef, bastard.
You can't even cook!
A true Chef doesn't need to know how to cook, or boil water, or-
And your friend, Marian.
Well, she also works for me now.
Fine. What has all this got to do with me?
You still haven't worked it out?
We want the Game Child.
I always thought your obsession with the Game Child was so childish!
If only I had known.
But Daddy enlightened me.
Oh, your father, yeah...
Yeah the great man who spent the last half of his life in a straight jacket.
And he never told you that you were pretty when you were a little girl.
Tragic.
I'm over that!
We couldn't find the Game Child.
But I knew you could.
You just needed a little encouragement.
So it was you who send the magazine with that text.
Everybody leave.
I want to be alone with Stuart.
Idiot!
I'm really... So sorry...
Ashens... And Ashley...
I always found that rather amusing.
Yeah, and you always were easily amused.
We did have fun back then.
Young love, and all that.
But I won't lie to you Stuart.
You were just a stepping stone.
In my youth, I was a bit... Insensitive.
But who would have known that spending time with little old you,
would reveal the importance of the Game Child!
The Game Child is inherently worthless.
Oh, Stuart. Even worthless things have their uses sometimes.
Oh, and by the way, it was me all those years ago,
who told the university about my affair with the Professor.
Oopsie.
Do you mind?!
Sorry.
Goodbye, Stuart.
Enjoy your stay.
Man! That is one crazy broad!
You're not wrong.
Oh my God...
Are you who I think you are?!
Maybe?
You're the guy who does the comedy thing!
Yeah... Yeah that's me.
Oh my God!!!
I love you!
You're so funny, with your weird sense of humour!
Thanks, thanks, yeah...
You okay? You seem a bit down.
Sorry, yeah, I just had a really bad couple of days.
Do you want to tell me about it.
I don't know, just sometimes I wonder why I bother.
You can't be like that! Not you!
Thousands of people cherish your work, and all the hilarious things you make!
You're a hero of mine...
Really?!
Hell, yeah!
Look, I know some people don't understand why you do what you do,
but that's no reason to give up!
Keep on going!
Do it for your fans!!!
Yeah!
Yeah, you're right!
People have always doubted me, and it's never stopped me before!
Why should it stop me now?!
Thanks anonymous stranger, you've been extremely helpful.
Oh my God, no problem!!!
Glad I could help!!!
You're not going to believe this!
Guess who I just met!
Guess!
Who?!
I just met Simon Pegg!!!
I know!!!
Citizen!
Get in the car, citizen. You're not safe here.
Oh, no that's fin-
Get in the back of the car!
Your very life hangs in the balance, my friend.
Quickly!
Woo! Dodged a bullet there, mate.
Really? How?
Lot of weirdos around here, my friend.
We've been beaten up in that alleyway, just there.
Why did you keep going back?
Five times.
By the same old lady.
It was kind of hot!
Need a lift anywhere then, mate?
Uh... yeah, that's why I got in the car.
I'm going to the headquarters of the Terrifically Good Company.
Are you going to the old industrial estate?
Well, I dunno, we're pretty-
Sure are, big balls!
... Thanks, thanks... So are you two off
to a fancy dress party or something?
What? No!
- We're Knighthood and Decoy!
- Britain's best super heroes!
Britain's only super heroes!
Why, are you going to a party?!
Oh, God no.
I hate parties. I'm actually on a mission at the moment.
Ooh...
That's a shame. We love parties.
# Everybody does!
# Make love to the music!
# And-
Don't, don't ever, make love to the music.
Sorry.
Here we are, sugar-tits.
... Thanks...
You know, you really shouldn't do this mission of yours alone.
Very Dangerous.
Yeah, I've been thinking about that a lot recently.
Thanks, ever so much for the lift. Very kind.
Take these.
Thanks.
And this.
Never know when that's going to come in handy.
Probably for tying something, or someone up.
And making objects far away seem nearer than they are, but it's up to you.
Well, thanks, that's very kind of you.
And here!
Jesus!
Have this.
It's a complimentary Limited Edition Knighthood and Decoy Cheese Knife.
That's great, great.
Remember...
"Cut the cheese, with Knighthood and Decoy!"
Catchy...
Thank you for the culinary utensils.
No worries.
You're a sweet, sweet man. Take care.
Good luck with the Mish!
Nice guy.
Very nice! Very nice.
Didn't leave a tip, though.
Yeh, like petrol is free.
I gave him a cheese knife.
Yeah, but that's merchandise.
That's marketing.
Yeah, so he'll remember us.
Everytime he cuts the cheese.
You shouldn't have come here, Stuart.
Oh look, it's Chef Judas!
A true Chef knows how to stab his friends in the back!
You just couldn't let it go, could you?!
You couldn't stand to see my name in lights!
What?
Enough!
Give me that.
What are you doing?
I'm sorry, Stuart.
Drop your weapons. I said drop them!
Put your hands up! I said down! Get Down!
So it was all a trick then?
Yeah... Yeah it was uhh... Just a ruse to help us on our quest-
I mean on our-
No.
No, it wasn't, Stuart. I did betray you.
I'm sorry, I just really wanted my old life back.
But when I finally had it, I realised I didn't need it anymore.
It's alright, it's been good having you along,
and I know I haven't exactly been the best friend.
Thanks, Stuart.
Oh, God. I forgot! They've got Marian.
Yeah, she's working with-
No! They've taken her captive!
Really?!
Yeah!
I've got an idea!
You seen the original Star Wars?
Yeah! Of course I have!
I've seen all the Star Wars films.
Now, you remember with Luke and Han, dress up in Stormtrooper armour to rescue Leia from the Death Star?
Yeah...
We could do exactly that!
Hang on, mate.
That's not the right holster for that blaster rifle!
I think I know where we went wrong.
Right, what's the plan?
Well, the good thing about my betrayal was I was able to find out where they're keeping Marian and the Game Child.
Excellent!
All we have to do is hack into their computer system and override their security.
Which you should be able to do in no time at all.
Thanks, Geoff, but I'm sure you can handle this.
Thanks, Stuart.
Well, it's time to do some serious hacking!
Good work, Geoff, good work.
Uhh... Thanks...
There they are, level B.
This way.
Twenty years! Twenty years!
That's where we need to go.
But wait a second...
That's the guy they replaced me with.
That's Chef Brilliance!
But it looks like he's been booted down to security.
Well that must make you happy.
You know what? It doesn't.
I'll create a distraction and draw him away from the door.
No, don't worry about that. We'll work something out together.
It's alright, Stuart. I want to do this.
... women. Baguette cars! Living the high life! I was living the dream!
Bloody security duty! If my mother could see me now...
Oi!
Ashens... With an "S"...
Aren't you tired of losing to me?!
Even I'm bored of it!
You're not going to win this time!
You're old.
A Relic of a bygone era.
I am the better man in every way.
You're just an-
Ow!
Idiot.
You!
Why did you have to come back and take my job?!
It was my job first!
You were gone!
It was mine! Mine! Mine!!!
Oh, Marian, I am so sorry about this!
Alright there?
It's fine! Just bloody hurry up before they come back!
Alright, I've never actually done this before.
I met your ex-girlfriend.
So that's the type you go for, is it? Completely mental?
It was a long time ago!
I'm going to have to cut this. Hold still.
Quick!
Yep, it's going.
Stewie.
Step away from your little girlfriend.
Uh-uh! Back up!
No misbehaving now.
Stuart!
I know I haven't been very nice to you, Stuart,
but I still need your help.
It seems that Game Child is encrypted, and I really need access to it.
What you really need is access to psychiatric help!
N-n-no! Don't do that!
Aww, that's so sweet! Aww...
I'll give you one minute before I pull the trigger.
Starting...
Now.
This is ridiculous! This thing can't be encrypted!
But it is...
You want to do this?
Bring it on!
I'm sure you want to know what is so secret about the Game Child.
It's something so special that even you didn't know.
When assembled together correctly, the Game Child makes a nuclear bomb!
Good God! What are you talking about?!
You're as mental as your father!
He wasn't mental!
It was a misdiagnosis!
45 seconds.
It was all very Top Secret.
It was at the end of The Cold War.
You couldn't walk more than ten feet without tripping over some plutonium!
A deranged factory worker had the idea.
To smuggle a simple, yet effective nuclear weapon, in the first shipment of Game Childs.
That's absolutely ridiculous!
30 seconds!
Our company was responsible for the shipment, but Daddy only realised after he shipped the first two hundred.
He of course, recalled them.
Daddy always wanted his own nuclear bomb.
The Crazy Octopus! The Crazy Octopus!
Argh!
15 seconds!
But there was one missing.
One, with the trigger device, and we couldn't find it.
Not until I pulled your strings.
And here we are.
So what was your plan? Were you going to set it off and hide in a fridge?
10 seconds!!!
Hurry, Stuart!
My finger might slip!!!
You know, I've always wanted to blow something up.
I'm not sure what, yet.
Maybe a pub, or a house full of collectibles!
Five.
Four.
Three.
Two.
Hang on! Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right...
Got it! Thank you Konami!
Thank you, Stuart.
You see? We are good for each other.
I know how to motivate you.
Ashens!
You got lucky this time.
But don't think that changes anything!
I am still your superior in every wa-
Argh!
I was expecting that, you idiot!
So you were expecting it, but you didn't get out of the way.
I like being punched in the face...
You like being punched in the face?
Yes...
No!
Let's see how you like it!
There is no defense against The Crane Kick, old man!
Walk towards me then!
No.
It doesn't work unless you're walking towards me.
I don't care!
Come on!
No!
Ah! I'm getting cramp!
Good!
I'm going to switch legs. Don't attack me while I'm changing over.
Do you promise?
No.
Please promise.
No!
Pretty Please!
Okay, fine.
Argh!
I should have seen that coming!
Oh, my balls!!!
My precious balls!
You always were a pathetic excuse for a Chef!
You never did deserve to wear the uniform!
Aren't you going to fight back?!
Of course not! I'm a strict pacifist!
For a true Chef knows that he must never harm another person,
for even his worst enemy is still a potential customer.
Hm. I never thought of it like that.
Argh!
Argh!
Stuart...
I'll have the Game Child now!
You know, this quest has taught me a lot of things,
and it's taught me that this is not important.
Don't make me laugh!
The Game Child is the only thing that's important to you.
Maybe once.
But you're forgetting something.
You told me that this is special, and of immense value.
And? Your point is?
Things of worth, are worthless to me!
No!
No!
No, no, no!
You ruined it!
You ruined it all!
Die!
Great work, Marian!
I'm so sorry I got you mixed up in all this.
Don't apologise! That was amazing!
I hardly ever get to punch anyone in the library!
Stuart!
Everything okay?
It is now.
It is now.
So I guess someone should probably call the police or something.
Yeah, definitely.
Oh, I've lost my phone.
I can't believe it, mine was in my satchel.
There was a call-box when we came in.
Just around the corner.
Has anyone got any change?
Uh...
I had some, but I bought some mints.
Don't look at me, I'm homeless.
And I dropped the mints.
Oh, it's 999, it's free!
Is it?
Yeah.
It's not.
It's only free after 6pm isn't it?
No, it's always free, it's an emergency!
No, they charge you, I've been charged for that.
Oh God, she's waking up. Stamp on her!
Stamp on her!
That's him! That's him!
I never loved you.
I know.
So what do we do now?
Well, isn't it obvious? We're going to have a party!
No, you know I don't like parties!
I'm an island!
Oh, come on, Stuart!
Haven't you learn anything from this quest?!
Alright, alright, we're going to have a party.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Hey guys, I'm Geoff Excellence, and welcome to my channel,
where we talk about everything that's excellent.
But you know, it's not just about me.
I'd love to hear from you guys as well.
So make sure you leave me a comment below.
Thumbs up!
So, yeah, basically that's it!
You know, I realised I didn't need anybody else.
I could do it on my own.
Absolutely amazing.
Yeah!
Sorry, what are we looking at exactly?
That was my YouTube channel.
Oh... Okay...
What's YouTube?
YouTube!
I'm just asking!
No... You Tube.
-Yeah, you're the Tube!
-Taking the piss out of someone because they didn't understand...
Richard?
Hi, Stuart!
You're not dead are you?
No, no.
Ever since you told me about the Game Child, I just had to try it.
One of the ones full of plutonium?
Yeah!
So I called in a favour with MI:6...
I think I might have radiation poisoning.
Do you think I could sue someone?
Maybe... Maybe.
Yes!
I'm going to be rich!
See you back at the party.
Stuart!
Come back to the party!
I am not supposed to be in here!
Don't you people know who I am?!
I am a master criminal!
Why have you put me in here with these plebs?!
What are you looking at?!
And why do you have a hat on indoors?!
Don't you know how hot it is?!
You complete n00b!
And you think that tough guy beard makes you look tough?!
You are both,
complete,
IDIOTS!
Oh, okay.
You're going to beat me up.
That old jail clich!
Okay, yep, this is happening.
Okay. I'm not scared.
Ow! That didn't hurt!
That didn't hurt either!
Argh!
You just broke my pelvis!
Ah! My sweet pelvis!
# But where will this lead in the end? For no man is an island of tat.
# Perhaps what you need is a friend, can you imagine that?
# Your mission's about to begin, if you don't lose then you might just win.
# We're routing for you, you odd little bearded prat!
# Terrible hardware from years gone by,
# Worthless old relics you claim.
# There's one left to get now, don't give in and cry.
# You said that adventure's your game.
# Oh, but Ashens, is your actual name.
# Or is it Ashen?
# Why the extra 'S', Ashens?
# I'm confused about the 'S'...
"My Daddy, he likes to blow up the world. What does your daddy like to do?"
"Well, my name is Ashens, and I collect tat!"
"Hello!"
"And maybe, I want a Game Child. Yeah, I do."
"Hang about, no I don't!"
You must die!
Everybody must die!
Kaboom! Whee!!!
Everybody dies!
Calm down now.
Where are your slippers? Look, your feet will get cold, won't they?
I don't want my slippers!
They're full of plutonium!
Well that will just keep your feet warm, won't it?
Let's get them on shall we?
Everybody died!
I know they did, they all died.
They went kaboom!
Yeah, they went kaboom. Let's get you up, shall we?
There we go.
One foot in.
Toasty!
I like toast. I like eating toast.
Do you?
Yeah.
Nice and toasty, like everybody dying.
Kaboom.
Goodbye!