Ass Backwards (2013) Movie Script
Mmm.
Oh, breathe that in.
Mmm-mmm-mmm.
Mornings in New York.
Got to tell you.
It's another gorgeous day.
Oh, I never get sick of
Mother Nature.
It's just so lush here.
I never understand why people
say it's so hard to live in
Manhattan.
I know!
Oh, spoke too soon.
Let's go over.
Hello, sir.
It's a pleasure to meet your
acquaintance.
I'm Kate.
And I'm Chloe.
Kate me, Chloe her.
Kate and Chloe.
Okay?
We've got some things for
you.
Yeah, buy one more and get a
medium frozen yogurt on me.
And this is a 12-hour energy
shot.
It just lets you keep your
sparkle.
Yeah.
All right?
Oh, well, thank you!
Honestly. It's who we are.
Thank you.
[ Effeminately ] Why don't
you go just put a fucking animal
inside yourself and call
yourself a fuck party, 'cause
that's what the government's
doing to all of us.
Thank you. Have a great day.
Bye!
Thank you.
I got energy!
I got energy!
He's in a tough spot.
Homeless and battling sexual
identity?
That's a tricky combo.
And one I respect.
Absolutely.
Nice guy, too.
Oh, lovely.
Bitches!
I don't want to waste
anyone's time today.
There are a lot of people who
work in my industry who are
gonna make you promises that
they really can't keep.
But I feel I should tell you
that I've got a lot of other
couples who are banging down my
door, trying to do business with
these ovaries.
In fact, my eggs are some of the
finest that you will find in
Manhattan.
And right now... today... they
are ripe for the picking.
Ma'am, you cannot conduct
your meetings here any longer.
You can't sit here all day
without ordering a coffee.
This is my good friend,
Seth.
Listen.
I didn't hear a "no" from you
guys, so I'm gonna go ahead and
take that as a maybe.
And remember... Kate Fenner,
C.E.O. Of Fenner enterprises,
egg donor to the stars!
That's craigslist for you.
[ Clears throat ]
Okay. You must knock.
I cannot do what I need to do
out there if things are crazy in
here.
We're at places.
Thank you, places.
This...
[ Whispering ]
[ Mid-tempo dance music plays ]
New York City!
Stop!
[ Horns honking ]
Morning, sparkle. Morning, special lady.
[ Water bed gurgles ]
Whoa! Whee! Whee!
Okay, time for our horoscopes.
Yeah, what's mine say?
Uh-oh. Chloe? Hmm?
Is that what I think it is?
It's from the pageant.
[ Water gurgles ]
"The town of Neptune invites you...
Anniversary beauty pageant"?
[ Both laugh ] Um... Um...
No, thanks. I'm all set.
I'm good here. I'm okay, thank you, sir.
Oh, my God, when we tell Laurel
about this tonight, she's gonna die!
She's gonna be dead.
[ Sighs ] Thanks, but no spanks.
We're not going.
Yeah, we're not going, and
that's the end of the discussion.
So, the 50th anniversary... they're
just inviting everybody back to compete.
Wow. This is...
Really something.
I can't remember the last time I
thought of our pageant days. Oh.
Pssh! I haven't
thought about that in ages.
Little Kate, when you grow up, do you want
to be a mommy who enters the workforce or a
mommy who stays home? Um... Well,
can you maybe repeat the question?
When you're a mommy, do you want to enter
the workforce, or do you want to stay home?
Workplaces are where people work.
Are you a moron, kid?
[ Audience laughs ]
Such fun times. Here she is, singing
the song Tammy Wynette made famous.
Take it away, little Chloe! [ Audience
applauds ] [ Microphone feedback buzzes ]
[ Loudly and off-key ] ? stand
by your man ? give him two arms
to cling to ? Jesus, kid, you're
blowing everybody's eardrums out.
Back off the Mike!
[ Loudly and off-key ] ? stand by
your man ? and tell the world...
[ audience boos ] All right.
Come on. That's enough.
How about some Mike technique, huh?
[ Booing continues ]
Those were the days.
It's little Megan! [ Audience applauds
] Spent four hours on that hair,
such a patient girl. And now the
moment you've all been waiting for.
Please give a big round of applause
to Neptune's newest little li'l,
little miss Laurel. [ Audience applauds
] ? I can dream about you ?
Little Laurel... it's her second win in this category.
This girl is just a winner.
Don't cry. I thought you
were really good out there.
I loved your answer. And you
really do have the voice of an angel.
Well, your answer wasn't easy, and
that scares people. [ Sighs ]
Honestly, Chloe, even if we did want to go, I
don't think we'd be able to find the time.
Okay, who has the time with our
careers blowing up the way they are?
And so, yes, up until then, my entire life
had been about winning... winning the crown,
winning the modeling contract, winning the husband.
But what I would soon learn is
that helping others would be my
greatest win of all. Wow.
Okay. Wow! That's...
Yes! Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Shh!
The proceeds from today's sales will
go to Laurel's ladies, my charity,
which gives makeover to low-income gals so
that they can have the opportunity to look
like me... If only for one day.
Thank you, Laurel.
Wow! Thank you, Laurel!
People, get up!
You are such an inspiration. I'm a huge fan.
Okay, she gets it!
You're embarrassing yourself. Book, please.
Who am I making it out to?
Good one, Laurel! If you haven't bought
a book, I'm gonna have to ask you to...
silly goose. It's Kate and Chloe.
Kate and Chloe?
Kate me, Chloe her. Kate and Chloe.
ThaKate and Chloe, from my
pageant days? There she is.
She's on the page.
Yes, of course. I want you to know that
both of you have been in my prayers all
these years. Coming in dead
last couldn't have been easy.
Well, you know, that was then, and this is now.
So, I'd say we're doing pretty
good. Not too shabby.
Now, if we can let the
paying customers in, shall we? Yes, we should.
Guys, keep a single file,
okay? She does not have
all day, so, in and out.
Have your books ready. I'm
actually headed to Neptune next weekend.
They asked me to... compete
in the anniversary pageant?
Yeah, we got an invite, too. No,
they asked me to be a celebrity judge.
Can you even stand it? What have the two
of you been up to since the circuit?
[ Sighing ] Oh, God. Chloe, I know
for sure you haven't been doing anything
creative. Talent was never
really your thing, was it?
You know what, actually, Laurel?
Chloe's been performing every
single night for crowds of about 500-plus.
Well, you do.
Wow! That's really surprising.
What about you, Kate?
If times serve me, you weren't the
brightest bulb in the light shop.
Okay, Kate works in the medical profession now.
Got to have big-time brains for
that. What do you specialize in?
You know, I don't have a
medical degree, per se...
she's an egg donor. Yeah.
But she's got big dreams of managing other
girls' eggs when she inevitably ages out of the
field. That's long-term stuff,
but it's gonna be exciting.
I love the way the two of you aren't
embarrassed about where you are in life.
Thank you. Listen. If
you two need any help from
Laurel's ladies, you'd
certainly qualify. So...
Bye, Cheryl. Bye, faith.
Thank you.
I don't think Laurel got the full picture
of where we are. How could she have?
She only got a snapshot. I mean, I
don't want to go back to the pageant.
No, thanks, right? The only reason I
could even think of to go is to just get
some much-needed vacation time for you and me.
Yeah, we barely get to see
each other. I mean, look.
We don't need to go back for
ourselves. That's clear. I
mean, we could go back for
the other girls, you know? Sort
of raise the bar, so to speak?
Elevate the proceedings? Yeah.
I mean, not that it matters.
'Cause it doesn't. Okay,
but if we did go back there...
Both: We would win. [ Introduction
to aha's "take on me" plays ]
[ Horn honking ]
? Take on me [ Cd skipping
] ? take on me ? take on me
? take on me ? take me on-on-on-on-on
? I'll be-be-be-be-be gone
in a day or two-two-two-two-two-two
two-two-two-two-two ?
Bye-bye, Manhattan!
Until we meet again!
You know, it's great to be completely untethered.
Unfettered, with only our
most prized possessions on our backs.
I got to say.
I'm glad we got evicted. Oh,
I'm loving this. Confession?
What's up? I'm starting to feel a
little bit badly about our competitors.
I know. They have no chance. Should we pray for them?
I have already been sending
prayers up to the big guy all morning.
You got to surrender it, you
know? Just throw it up
and then give it to him.
You know? It's hard for them, because
you are gonna kill the q&a portion.
I know. And you're obviously
gonna destroy on talent.
It's just hard, 'cause they're nice.
Oh, they're so sweet.
If they weren't nice, it would
be different. So sweet.
You are off course. Please turn around.
Please go in northern
direction. No, I want British Richard.
Let me give you a hand,
'cause I need these babies to stay pristine.
Thank you, Chloe, but I need
to learn to work with these tips.
These are the face of my
business. You got to look
the part to play the game.
That's just that. [ British
accent ] Calculating roads.
Starting navigation. Wow, that voice.
He is hot. Gorgeous.
I'll direct you to Neptune, Canada.
I feel like he's someone you
could trust.
Yeah, Richard's a good man.
Baby girl? Hey. You okay?
I'm okay.
Just it comes in waves. Listen.
I don't want you to think that
in the midst of all this craziness of today
that I've forgotten it's a really hard
anniversary for you.
It's a tough day. Yeah!
I mean, how long has it been since you
and Stephen broke up? It's about 9...
91/2 years. Very fresh.
Like yesterday.
Yeah. Oh. [ Exhales deeply ]
Okay, that's doing something. Good.
Good! It might be too soon for me to
make a call, but I got a pretty good
feeling he's circling back any day now.
Yeah? Yes!
He is, isn't he?
Yeah! He is. He's coming back.
He's coming back!
Yes, he is! He's coming back! I know he is.
Per Richard, we have got a
very long drive ahead of us to Neptune.
So, that means no stops that
aren't absolutely necessary, okay?
We stop to eat and pee.
Right. And I say
we don't even do that.
No matter what, the end. Perfect.
I like candy when I can get
it. There's an exit!
There's an exit!
Get off! [ Tires screech ]
Chloe, we need this.
This place is a gold mine. Oh, my God,
Kate, that girl looks just like you.
She looks like she could be your daughter.
Oh, my God, Chloe.
That is hilarious. She's like my mini-me.
She could be your egg baby.
Ever wonder how many you have
running around out there? Mama.
Huh. This. And that one. Good.
I'm sorry, but do you have
another card? What?
It's probably just the strip.
You know what? Actually... I got one.
I got another one.
Why don't you try 9723?
Yeah. [ Beeping ]
No dice. What? That's craziness.
I am shocked right now.
You know what? Let's not mess around.
Bring out the big guns... 8765.
No more fooling.
Yeah. No.
Do you want to try 6439?
No. No, she's no good.
That shabby chic sale at target
totally did her up. 6253?
Are you on crack? Okay, she bottomed out
when we morphed our faces with celebs'
to see what our babies
would look like. 8765?
No. We drained her on the Nigerian
prince who e-mailed us about all
that trouble he had getting home. Kate...
That's the last of our
girls. All right. I am
going to call credit-card
companies. Lady Einstein's
got to figure this one out.
Shit. Chloe? It went buh-nuh-nuh-nuh.
I can't believe you went
buh-nuh-nuh-nuh at a time like this.
Give me your phone.
My phone's out of juice 'cause I left the
charger behind in order to make more room
for... your scrapbooks, right.
Um... Do you have cash?
Cash. Now, how would that work?
All right, okay.
We just need to figure out a way
to, like, live. [ Gasps ]
Look! A little, old bunny.
Can we keep him?!
Please! Chloe, we're not
keeping a wild animal.
That's insane. So, we just leave...
Andrew out here to die, in this foreign
wilderness? We do not
need a pet right now.
We need cash. I'll
take amazing care of him.
Chloe... [ Sighs ] ...You
honestly think that being
responsible for another life is what we need right now?
Actually, being responsible for
another life could be exactly what we need right now.
Yay! We're parents!
[ Cellphone ringing ] Ahoy!
Hi, dad.
Hey, Bruce. What can I
do for you girls? Listen.
Kate and I are in a little bit of a pickle, and
we could use some help... specifically, some
sweet cash money. [ Receiver
clicking ] oh, shit balls!
Bruce? I bet he's out on the yacht.
He gets, like, no service.
[ Sighs ] Chloe... Isn't
his house on the way to
Neptune? Yeah, it is.
Let's surprise him.
He just moved to this new, fatty condo in
this, like, super-exclusive gated community.
We stay the night in the lap of luxury,
which we deserve after all this driving.
He gives us money, which he loves to do.
We're back on the road in the
morning. Refreshed,
refueled, refinanced!
Careful. You want me to?
No, okay. Here.
Yeah, but... It's really tight with
the whole family in here together.
No, one more time. Try this way.
I'm really starting to
understand why people don't use these anymore.
It just doesn't make sense.
? All these people talkin' 'bout you
now ? ? they don't make no difference,
no ? thank you.
Both: One, two, three.
Mmm... [ Both mumbling ]
one, two, three...
Both: Juice. Juice?
I said, "Jews."
One, two, three... Both: Basketball.
Wow. That was weird.
We are, like, so on the same
page sometimes. Damn it!
? All night long, believe
me ? ? let that beat
control your body ? ? you and
me ? there's no one watching
? come on
? we can rock this party
'mones. My hormones. Wow!
I guess I never knew you gave them to yourself like that.
Oh, yeah, every 12 hours.
These eggs don't cook themselves.
[ Chuckles ]
Oh. [ G.P.S. Beeping
] everything okay?
Uh... Changing destination.
Yes, totally.
Just, um, appears that we may have driven a
hop, skip, and a jump in the wrong direction.
For some reason, Richard is thinking
we're going to Neptune, Canada.
Why would Richard think that? I don't know
if these tips plugged in the wrong address by
accident. [ Groans
] better not have.
Well, how long have we been
driving in the wrong direction for?
Well, just like... Just like
all of today. [ Groans ]
Are you mad? No. [
Laughing ] of course not.
Einstein couldn't cook a can of soup,
and you are exactly the same way.
Thank you, Chloe. Okay. Yes.
We are making tracks
starting... Right now. Yay!
[ Horn honks ]
Hey! Oh, look out, buddy.
[ Dog barking in distance ] Garden.
The terrace seems sort of dim.
Where's the... [ Door opens
] [ Insects chirping ]
Dad? Chloe? This
is your dad's new condo?
Oh, boy. Hup, hup! Oh!
Okay.
Good night, moneybags.
Good night, Bruce. Oh.
What? Whoop! Good night, stinker.
Good night, dad.
I love you, girls. Love you, too.
Love you, dad.
Don't let them bite! [ Women
scream, laugh ] good night.
Good night! Oh, my God.
Can you believe him?
I honestly... oh! Okay.
I can't believe that...
oh. Oop. Bruce, do you
need a hand with that?
Dad?
Whew! I mean, I don't understand.
He was always offering us money
in those rare cases of emergency.
Like when we needed your
business cards printed. When we needed
those publicity stills taken of you.
Obviously, the water bed. This doesn't feel great.
These are a lot of... Feelings.
Yep. I don't like this.
I don't like this one bit.
Okay. Let's play a fun game. Let's
pretend that we never came here.
No, come on. We're just at home, and
we're watching some of our favorite
programs. Let him you know that
you love him and that you support
him, okay? I'm not going to rehab!
Brian, you got two choices-
recovery or death, and I promise
you, it's gonna be one or the other.
Brian had such a sparkle when he was younger.
Can you believe it got so bad?
Actually, Chloe, I can. He was addicted to meth and sex.
It's a very tricky combination
for someone. Another Ambien?
Yes, thank you.
Both: Boop! That's all you have
to do s say yes, and we're extending
all of our hands to help you. Um... Before
I go, I want to smoke this 20 bag I have.
If that's what it's gonna take to
get you down there, then that's okay.
All right, I'll go, man! Oh, my God!
He's going! Oh, thank God.
Oh, thank God. See? I told you.
Rehabilitation always cheers us
up. I feel so much better, and,
Brian, sweet boy, you're in our
prayers tonight big-time. Here, here!
[ Microwave beeping ]
Sleep okay, dad? Like a king.
I don't think that's plugged
into anything. Wish I could spend more
time with you gals, but it's the busy
part of my season. I'm selling
gold nuggets on ebay.
I can't believe nobody's ever thought of it.
I misspell the word "nugget" on
the website. I'm sorry. Come again.
I leave the "g" out of the
word "nugget." This way, I get all the
traffic from the people that don't know
how to spell. I figured, I didn't know
how to spell it, so you bet your ass
there's a lot of people that don't
know how to spell it, either.
I mean, it's a surefire way to make money.
I mean, I have to...
I had to sell the mall kiosk,
unfortunately. Oh, no.
It turns out people, they don't want to
buy hats that are made specifically to wear
backwards. They'd rather just buy a
regular hat, you know, turn it around.
Pfft! Right! You win some.
You lose some.
The money will come rolling in soon.
I guess I was hoping maybe
you'd be gearing up for... Retirement soon?
No, I can't retire.
Having a daughter's too expensive, especially
if she's got a friend who's got a taste
for sharper image. [ Laughs ]
I'm just kidding with you,
Katie. [ Chuckles ]
I'm gonna help you guys.
You know what? No, no. If
there was ever an emergency,
this is it. I'm gonna get the two
of you to that pageant double-time.
I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna get you some
of my credit cards. [ Hair dryer whirring ]
Okay, you know what, dad?
I'm... we're okay. Really?
We'll be fine. We're gonna
get there, anyway. So...
See, Chloe? It's not our fault.
Of course we thought he was
doing well.
[ Engine turns over ]
Okay, all right. Clearly, we got a little
bit too comfortable, but, honestly, that
stops today, Chloe. Enough is enough, and
this may have been a wake-up call for us.
We're very big girls, and we are going
to get to that pageant on our own steam.
And if all else fails, we can always fall
back on our real-estate investment property.
No! Chloe, we never
sell that real estate.
You know that.
We bought that property 10 years ago.
It's for our retirement, not to
get us out of a tough spot. It's where number
one and number one are gonna head when
we close up shop. Sheesh.
Thank God I'm here.
Otherwise, you'd sell that... [ Voice breaking ] Wait.
I'm, like, feeling some more
feelings... Big feelings.
Again?
[ Moans ] All right, okay.
Shit.
All right, Chloe, let's just start a
sing-along, and we can distract ourselves.
? Oh-oh-oh no, no. I
think I need to talk to
someone. Oh. Okay, shoot.
No, like, a... Therapist? Well, I
mean, I do work in the medical field.
Go on, Ms. west. So, after the
powder-puff game, when Stephen said, "let's
break up," it came as a
total shock to me. Mmm.
Because for starters, and this is really
bringing some stuff up right now, we were both
in "the sound of music." I mean, he was...
[ Girl laughs ]
...we'd just gotten back from the youth-group
ski trip, where he told me liked me on the lift,
and then he fingered me for the first time.
It's not so much that it hurt...
can I stop you for one second, Chloe?
I love where you're going with
this, by the way. I think
it's the right direction.
I just think it's gonna be important for you
to remember that you have a really special
friend in Kate. Speaking of her,
she sounds like a great gal.
She is. Honestly, sometimes
I wish she could see you.
Love to meet her. She's wonderful.
You know, let's get back to
Stephen, 'cause there's so much stuff to unpack there.
For instance, the look on his
face when he sees me with that crown on my head.
But why are we assuming that
you'll win? Oh, I mean, both me and Kate.
We'll both win.
Won't we? Actually, I've
never thought about it before.
I don't know that both you and Kate can win.
What are you saying?
I don't know. I think
that only one of us can win.
So, one of us will win, and on of us...
Will lose?
[ Horn honks ] [ Both scream
] [ Screaming continues ]
[ Both panting ]
[ Steam hissing ]
Listen. I'm starting to feel like
this pageant was a real piss-poor
idea. Why should we even go? I
don't want to win if it means
you'll lose. I couldn't bear a
second of success without you.
I feel the same exact way. You know what?
We are not going, and that's it.
You know what? That's it. We're not going.
We're gonna hitchhike our way
back to New York, and we'll stay with friends.
Or new friends that we meet
until we find a place. We
are not going. Nope.
I'm not going. See, what I hate
about this is putting our young, supple
bodies on parade on the open road.
If we hitchhike, we have to
be prepared for what everyone's gonna want.
[ Sighs ]
Like, when do we get some peace, people?!
Leave us alone.
Whoa.
Ha-cha-cha. Mama Mia.
Who is that dark knight?
? Dime-store diamond ? dime-store
diamond you little ladies need some
help? I'll send our
resident mechanic out here.
She'll fix your van up in no time.
Where exactly do you live?
In a safe haven, where the fraudulent
chains of patriarchy don't bind you.
Aah! ? dime-store
diamond [ Insects chirping ]
That was amazing. All right.
You all right there, Chloe?
I'm okay. Okay, just...
I'm okay.
Ah, the classics.
Oh! Ah. Neat.
Good for her. Hey, come on in!
Come on in. There they are.
Sit right down here. Thank you.
Looks delicious.
Wow. Well, take and pass along.
Who has the salt and pepper?
So, where were you women headed when I picked you up?
Well, we are headed back home
to New York City. We were originally
headed to compete in this beauty pageant.
Beauty pageant? The very same men who
would put women up on a stage to degrade
and judge them are the very same men
we wear these whistles in protest of.
I was admiring those. The moment a
man is sighted... or, as we call them,
rapists... the whistle is sounded.
It should be.
And punishment is duly administered.
I never thought of it like
that. Ah, we live in a world very
far removed from the competition
of beauty pageants. Here, we don't
compete against other women.
We share our talents together. We share everything.
Now, let's bow our heads in
pagan prayer. You know what
they're really saying, don't you?
Yeah, they're not coming out
with it, but the message is clear.
...keep our sisterhood safe.
They want us to go to that pageant.
Yep. And we're going. ...This
place, where there is only love...
I love you, sister. ...Friendship...
I love you, too, sister.
[ Drum beating ] Oh-ah!
Oh-ah! Oh-ah! Oh-ah!
[ Chanting ] Haaaa! [ Roars ]
Damn! Wow! Whoo!
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
Go, go, go, go, go! Wow! God.
Who will lend a talent now? Ooh, Chloe will.
Chloe will. Oh, no, not tonight.
She's being so modest, you guys.
And all of you will be able to
say you knew her when, because Chloe
here is about to blow up any second.
[ Groans ] Go out there!
Okay, okay.
Chloe, Chloe! I will be performing
a piece by en vogue, entitled
"my lovin'" or
"you're never gonna get it."
[ Whispering ] ? you're never
gonna get my lovin' ?
? never gonna get my lovin' ? I remember how
it used to be ? you never were this nice
? maybe next time... What did
I tell you guys? Is she a star?
[ Monotone ] And now it's time
for a breakdown. [ Whispering ]
? Never gonna get it ? never gonna
get it [ Insects chirping ]
[ Light applause ] Not too shabby.
So nice to have young blood
here. Yeah. Sister
solstice is gonna go the
way of the dodo bird unless we find
another way to market it to young people.
I mean... Oh, my God, that's so sad.
[ Gasps ]
I'm sorry. You guys, everybody here
knows that Kate is, like, a hugely
high-powered c.E.O, right? I
don't like to talk about it.
No, no, no. Kate could help you guys
come up with a new business plan in her
sleep. Kate, would you get
up there and do what you do?
Help them. Go! Kate!
Because I like you guys.
Because I like you guys. Kate!
All right, all right.
Um... [ Clears throat ] Okay.
Let me think. Let me think. Um...
Okay, so you need younger
members. That's the problem.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, we can do that. So, what do you do?
What do you do? What do you do?
You could go to another country, and you
round up... you round up a bunch of women.
So, you fly them over here. No, I'm
so sorry, actually. You don't.
Because part of a successful business
plan is keeping the costs low.
So, you put them in a bunch of big boats.
You really just stuff them in
there. Then, they have a
nice, cozy ride over here.
And then, voil, they're here. They work the land
by day, and at night, maybe they develop new
types of music. They become very popular.
And, eventually, everyone wants
to be just like them. [ Light
applause ] [ Insects chirping ]
You're welcome. That one was free of charge.
Not the next time.
Ooh! [ Clears throat
] Anytime, you guys.
[ Clears throat ]
[ Insects chirping ]
[ Knock on door ] Knock, knock, knock.
Come in!
Ooh! [ Chuckles ]
Well, your van's ready.
So, you'll be all set in the morning.
Oh, thank you so much.
Listen. We don't have
any money just right...
oh, stop! Your money's no good here.
You know, it's been so nice
having you both here. Night-night.
Night-night!
[ Chuckles ] [
Door closes ] Wow.
There it was. Oh, God.
I'm no dummy.
Vans for free? Nothing in
this life is for free, Chloe.
Looks like it's time to pay the Piper.
[ Sighs ]
[ Woman snoring ]
[ Insects chirping ]
[ Whistle blows ] Rape!
Aah! Oh, my God!
[ Women screaming ] Come on! Go, go, go, go!
[ Screaming continues ]
[ Rifle fires ] Aaahhhhh!
I don't understand. Why are they so upset?
Qwen was asking for it.
She should have said, "thank
you." Right! I mean, right?
I don't know. I guess maybe there's
a possibility that they didn't
like us like that. There
was a remote possibility.
I mean, look. Even if we weren't quite
their cup of tea, they had no right to
treat us like we're animals. Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, no, no, no, no! What?!
Andrew!
Oh, my God! Who's Andrew?!
Save our bunny! What
happened to him? Um...
He... Well...
It's so terrible.
We saved him from the wild. He was...
And then, he wouldn't eat or
drink. He, like, refused to get
out of the back of the van.
It can get really pricey if we have to perform surgery.
[ Voice breaking ] There is
not a price we could put on the
life of our pet! All right.
I can't believe we almost killed sweet,
little Andrew. We almost raped qwen.
We...
she practically begged us.
[ Sighs ] Wish we could
get on the road. Yeah.
Let's get to stepping here.
Magic waits for no man... Or beast.
[ Snickers ] Hey... So...
Since it doesn't matter who
wins... and don't take this
the wrong way. Never.
If you were to, say, hunker down, really just
kind of refine anything before we get there...
and don't take this the wrong way.
Chloe, I couldn't.
I would give a little more thought to the q&a
portion, simply based on the proposal you
outlined for the sisters. I just feel like
sometimes you have so many brilliant ideas...
and don't take this the wrong way.
Mnh-mnh!
That sometimes it comes off like you don't
have a clue what you're talking about.
Hmm... You know, what you saw
with the sisters, that was idle
chit-chat. Okay. Yeah,
because when I get to
the pageant, I'm gonna be blowing it out.
Totally!
Totally. And the only reason I said
anything is because it doesn't
matter who wins.
Right.
Since it doesn't matter who wins... oh, you know what?
I don't want you to get upset.
Shan't. Well, I do feel I need
to tell you, as your best friend...
I don't want you to get upset, but I think
you may want to work on the singing a little
bit. I'm just not sure that it's
totally as in the bag as you
think it is. How do you mean?
Well, I don't want you to get
upset because I think that you have
such a beautiful voice. Thank you.
But I don't know if it's all that time you spent
in the box or what, but I think it's gonna
be super-important day of that... We hear it.
Your voice, that is.
Well, I was conserving for
the pageant, so... Ahh!
Well, that makes sense.
[ Chuckles ]
Oh.
Thanks. Hello, ladies.
Andrew...
Is recovering nicely. Oh!
Oh, praise to j.C.!
Oh! Oh! 2,000 bones?!
Are you kidding me?
Kate, we got to sell that real estate, okay?
How else are we gonna get Andrew
out and get to the pageant? Chloe Elizabeth
west, I have told you a million times, we do
not touch that real estate.
You know that. Okay.
Well, beyond selling our most prized possessions,
I have no idea how we're gonna get there.
Stuffed bears and dogs, hot-lips phone,
cheap China figures, cassettes, dishes,
"babysitter club" books. You
brought a lot of stuff. Wow!
Is this everything? Everything
but my scrapbooks. They stay.
Oh. I mean, scrappies or no,
we are about to make a mint.
Got some pretty nice pieces. All right, sweet
baby dolls, I totaled up all your trinkets,
and I can give you all... $40 even for it.
I'm sorry.
That can't be right. I've spent
thousands of dollars on my things.
Your numbers are way off. Well, puddin',
I can't tell you what you spent on it.
I can only tell you what it's worth... $40.
This shit is her life.
This is her entire universe. So, I guess I'm
just to infer that this person standing beside
me is worth $40? Mm-hmm.
No.
You're not making this easier. $40, sweet peas.
Take her or leave her.
Wait, Kate. Which prized
possessions did you bring?
Maybe they can sweeten the pot. Oh.
Yes. Right. But what's in it?
Do you mean, besides my hormones?
What's your prized
possession? Right. But what are we selling?
That's all you brought on a
road trip, sugar? [ Sighs
] Just give it to me.
Bye. I'm gonna pray on them girls.
Pray on them hard.
She made it seem like we don't have
anything, but I don't think that's true.
Me neither. We have a lot
of stuff, Chloe. Yeah.
Like what?
[ Insects chirping ] Poor, little Andrew!
This place is so depressing.
Ugh! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! My
leg, my leg, my leg, my leg,
my leg! Chloe? There.
It's okay, Andrew.
Okay.
This is a really nice motel. Oh, yeah.
I don't mind this.
I mean, so what if we couldn't
afford a room? Totally.
[ Insects chirping ]
[ Yawns ]
We'll be okay, right? At the pageant?
Yeah!
I mean, definitely. [ Insects
chirping ] I mean, we've come so far,
right? Have we? I mean,
I thought so, but...
Yeah, me too.
? I got my party dress on ? I
got my shoes that get me gone ?
? and if you want... Chloe.
Spring break.
Must be nice. Got to go.
Yeah.
Let's go! Having fun.
? it's been a day
excuse me, young lads. A
lady is present. Thank you.
? I'm doing okay ? 'cause
if it dumps, I bump it back
and bump it back till
it's play ? hi.
Hello. ? something
feeling good is money ?
? I got my party dress on ? I
got my shoes that get me gone ?
? and if you want, you come
along ? ? I got... I got...
[ laughs ] ? I got my
party dress on ? I got my shoes
that get me gone ? cute suits.
Hey, ladies, you're blocking
our sun. What are you
guys even doing here?
Yeah, this isn't a sexiest geek convention.
You guys are, like, just so,
just... Old. [ Laughs ]
? I got my shoes that get
me gone ? ? and if you want,
you come along ? ? I got
...I got [ Laughs ]
Yeah.
You know, I feel like those
girls must have been on something.
I mean, the kids these days. They're so
hopped up, they don't know what's going on.
[ Gasps ] Katherine
Maxine Fenner, look. $500!
That's enough to get us all the way there!
"Amateur nite."
Chloe, it must be a karaoke contest!
Your sign called for
amateurs, which so clearly implies
youth, which we have in spades.
Fine. Whatever. Who cares? Who's
dancing first, "blue eyes" or "big tits"?
Oh. [ Audience cheers ]
All right, everyone, give it
up for Mercedes benz. That's
the way she likes it, fellas.
Suck it! Now, welcome to the
stage two new girls, blue eyes and
big tits! Nice to meet you.
Hi. Kate Fenner.
Fenner enterprises. Nice to meet you.
[ Hip-hop music plays ]
? Please believe... ? Barry?
Boost up the music.
[ Music gets louder ] ? 'cause I'm the
boy, baby ? ? yo, 'cause I'm the boy ?
Do something! ? ...On the street
? ? 'cause I'm the boy, baby ?
? 'cause I'm the, 'cause
I'm the ? 'cause I'm the ?
[ Light applause, cheers ] [ Audience
hoots ] [ Audience applauds ]
[ Audience cheers, whistles ]
Oh-oh-oh!
Yeah! There you go.
There's something... crawling.
Right? We like crawling.
[ Cheering continues ]
? 'Cause I'm the boy, baby ? ?
'cause I'm the boy, baby ? ow!
Ow! [ Gagging ]
You're choking her.
You're choking her. ? 'cause I'm
the boy, baby ? 'cause I'm the ?
'Cause I'm the ? whoo!
? 'Cause I'm the boy, baby ? ? 'cause I'm the
boy, baby ? ? 'cause I'm the boy, baby ?
Enough of the Beyonc shit.
Take something off!
That ain't legal. We're
gonna lose our license again.
[ Cheering continues ]
Thank you very much.
If you hadn't taken your pants off,
we'd be on the way to the pageant by now.
How was I to know that it was merely a topless bar?
And, by the way, I had to do
something out there. I turn around.
The next thing I know you're
shaking your tatties everywhere. And the people loved it!
Don't fight, pretty ladies.
Is that... No. Brian
from rehabilitation?
A meth addict with a heart of gold!
Just a splash of sex
addiction. Well, who
could blame him for that?
Comes with the territory. All right.
Okay. Honestly, Chloe, just try to be
cool in front of him, because celebs really
don't like you to drool all over them.
You, too, okay? Just remember... Brian
and I are titans of the same industry.
We're both stars. May we join you?
Is anybody sitting here?
No. Okay. Um... Hi.
I'm Kate fenner.
Hey, I'm Brian. I know who you are.
Can I just say, you're just as
good-looking as you are on TV, and I know that
sometimes that doesn't happen with everyone.
So... I'm Chloe. Hi.
[ Laughs ] Yeah, so, I keep getting
picked up by the cops for shit I
didn't do. God! How
dare they persecute you,
Brian, when the entire world saw you get clean.
Small town, small-minded
people. Yeah, I'm a sex
addict, not a sex offender.
Exactly! Two different things.
Brian hickman?
That's me! So nice meeting you.
You too.
Oh! [ Breathing
heavily ] Oh!
Kate fenner and Chloe west. Thank
you so much, officer Fitzgerald.
I've got good news and bad news.
The bad news is, your car's been
impounded. The good news? It
looks like that crackhead is
about to post your bail. [ Sighs
] He really does have a heart of
gold. Aw! I can't
believe we're at Brian's
house! Oh, my God, it looks so
much smaller than it does on TV.
[ Gasps ] That's the hole he punched
in the wall after he lost custody
of Taylor and Lesean! Chloe,
I totally recognize that pipe.
No, it was here!
Fuck! Bri?
Goddamn motherfucker! Cocksucker!
Bri guy?
Oh! Whoa! Motherfucker!
Hey.
Everything okay, buddy? Who the fuck are you?
Get the fuck out of my goddamn
house! Brian, it's Kate and Chloe.
You know, Kate and Chloe?
Kate me, Chloe her. Kate and Chloe.
Oh, yeah!
Why didn't you say something? We should have.
I thought there was intruders
in my house. I was like,
"I'll fucking kill you!"
How'd you find me here? You invited us, sweetie.
You brought us here.
Yeah. Oh, God, that's so good.
Hello.
Hi. Hi! Um...
You want a drink?
I would love one. Whatever you want to do.
I'll, uh, I'll get some
drinks for you. Soda water with
a splash of cran would be great.
All right. How's whiskey?
That's fine. Okay.
It was after I got kicked out of "promises," I
hit rock bottom. Sorry to interrupt you, but
lower than we saw on the show?
Oh, yeah... way lower. Wow!
Then, I sort of... I got... I got to
stop you for a second, because I'm just
struggling to imagine what you could mean when
you say lower, because I could stake my life on
this. I thought we were
at rock bottom with you.
Was I wrong about that? Oh, yeah.
Things got worse for a while.
Wow! Wow. It's unbelievable.
Whoa! Okay.
Okay, continue. Yeah, talk
about it, man. Continue.
Rock bottom came for me... Yeah.
...When I started selling my
sperm for a dirty fucking buck. [ Sniffling
] I'd get so fucked up and loaded,
cracked out of my fucking mind. And
I'd show up to band practice and...
You can tell us, Brian! I'd
whisper the words so soft...
No one could fucking hear me.
[ Crying ] There, there.
Just hug me. It's gonna be okay.
You guys give me strength.
[ Unenthused ] Great. I'm so happy.
[ Unenthused ] Yeah.
I'm gonna get my journal. I should
write this down. Okay, okay.
[ Sighs ]
Wow! Sounded eerily familiar.
It did.
Guess celebs really are just like us.
[ Sighs ]
What the hell am I sitting on? Oh, come on!
Brian's reading it?!
It's that goddamn pageant!
It fucked us up. We lost...
And then we just kept on losing.
Maybe we are losers!
Chloe... I mean, maybe
we can change that.
I mean, look at Brian. Look at
what he's done with himself.
Brian, no! [ Coughing ]
What is in that pipe, and I
want you to be honest with me right now.
Are you retarded?
It's crystal. You went to rehab.
You got a second chance.
You started over! Yeah,
keep telling yourself that.
Some of us? We're just born fucking
losers who will die that way.
That is not true, Brian! We can
go back, and we can change things.
Nobody changes. Recovery?
Recovery's fucking bullshit.
Brian, pass the pipe.
That's good.
Thank you. ? take on
me ? take on me, take on me,
take on me ? ? take me on-on-on-on
? I'll be-be-be-be-be-be gone
in a day or two-two-two-two-two two-two-two-two-two-two-two-two
two-two-two-two-two-two-two-two
two-two-two-two-two-two-two-two
two-two-two-two ?
Let me lead. We're turning, Chloe.
No, we're not turning, 'cause
I'm not ready to turn.
We're turning now. Turn!
Will you just fucking
stop it already?! Brian.
I thought I knew where rock bottom was.
You guys are sick.
What are you talking about? No, you got to go.
I'm not gonna watch it anymore.
I am not enabling this disease for one more second!
If it's some fucking stupid
beauty pageant that made you do this,
then you got to go and deal with it.
Now go! Get out of my house!
Aah! Aah!
Go! Get out! Jesus!
[ Siren wails, dog barks
[ in distance ] Oh! I have to pee.
Yeah, well, so do I. Where
the fuck are we?! I don't know!
This isn't exactly how I pictured
rolling into the pageant.
Uh, yeah. Me neither. But I would have
been there by now if it weren't for you
wasting an entire day driving in the wrong direction!
We wouldn't have even gotten
this far if it hadn't been for me!
This far?
I could have gotten us this far. Well, I guess
I'll have to take your word for it since you
have to drive once! Oh, perfect.
Grab your locket again, Chloe.
You're so delusional. You honestly
think that a guy who broke up with you
91/2 years ago is even gonna remember who you are?
The only reason I think that
is because you're the one who's always
telling me he's gonna call any day now.
I feel like you told me that because
you don't want me to leave you.
You think selling your eggs
is a business. [ Scoffs ]
You call them my product.
You're not a businesswoman, Kate.
You're a hen. Human livestock.
Actually, no.
You know what you're the c.E.O.
Of? What? Say it!
You're the c. E.O...
Of dum-dums.
Well, at least I've tried. Come on.
You're the one who's always
telling me my career is gonna blow
up any second. Your career?!
What career, Chloe?! People stare
at you from outside a glass cube.
Not a big star, Chloe. Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?
What am I? Come on. Come on.
You're a human oddity.
[ Gasps ]
[ Both urinating ] I'm starting to think
I could do a lot better getting to this
pageant on my own. Yeah. I'm
thinking I should have been
on my own a long time ago. [ Vehicle
approaching ] Hey, sir?!
Sir? Sir? So sorry. We're
just really turned around.
See, we've been driving for four days from New
York City, and we're trying to get to Neptune.
Four days? You're only four
hours outside of Manhattan.
Neptune's only a town away.
Okay.
We're going to be... Just fine.
Hello. You've reached 411 connect.
Please deposit 50 cents to
continue.
[ Sighs ]
Hello? Hi, sweetie.
Hi, little girl.
Listen. Maybe you could help steer me
in the direction of, I don't know,
civilization? Maybe you could take me
back to your house, and I could talk to
your daddy or your...
Mommy? Oh, God.
Okay. So... Is your school around here, or...
Hey, do you talk at all?
? I love myself ? I want you
to love me ? when I feel down,
I want you above me ? ? I search
myself ? I want you to find me
? I forget myself ? I want you to
remind me ? I don't want anybody else
? when I think about you, I touch
myself ? ? ooh, I don't want
anybody else ? ? when I think
about you, I touch myself ?
? oh, I don't want
anybody else ? ? oh, no
? oh, no ? oh, no
? you're the one
who makes me come runnin' ? ?
you're the sun who makes me shine ?
? when you're around, I'm always
laughin' ? ? I want to make you mine
? I want you ? I don't want anybody
else ? when I think about you,
I touch myself ? ? oh-oh ? oh
? oh-oh ? oh ? I don't
want anybody else
? when I think about you, I touch
myself ? ? oh, I don't want
anybody else ? ? when I think
about you, I touch myself ?
? I touch myself ? I touch
myself ? I touch myself
I love you all! ? I
touch myself ? I touch myself
? I touch myself ? I don't
want anybody else ? oh, no
? oh, no ? oh, no
all right! Give it up for everyone
we've seen today and for yourselves
and for our sponsors.
Well... If it isn't Kate and Chloe.
Where the shit have you two
girls been?! Is there any way we
could still just run in there real
quick? Baby lils, li'l lils, and
little missus are almost done!
Okay. Ms. Neptune is up next.
We have done tech, dry run,
dry run with tech, dress,
speed-through dress, no costumes,
speed-through dress, props, costumes,
no makeup, walk the curtain call, and
lunch. If the audience sees you,
it's because I'm lighting you.
If they hear you, it's because I'm miking you.
If they applaud, it's because
I'm working my little heinie off.
So, if you want to be in my
pageant, you better be here to
win.
Whoa!
Places!
Places for models in motion!
How about those teen gals? Okay. Weren't they great?
Now, what can I say about this
next group? Um, let's hear it for
the ripened beauties competing for
the Ms. Neptune award! [
Audience applauds ] Excuse me.
? The world's got so dark, I need some guidance
to see ? ? 'cause this pain in my heart
is taking everything from me ? [
Material rips ] [ Audience applauds ]
Fuck! ? please
give some love to me ?
? 'cause I'm feeling so alone
right now, it's suffocating me ?
? God, give me strength to keep on
walking ? ? God, give me strength
to keep on walking ? ? God, give
me strength to keep on walking ?
? God, give me strength to keep on
walking ? ? the air's got so thick,
I find it hard... ? all right, let's
hear it for all our potential Ms. Neptunes.
Yeah. That's it. Move it.
Sidestep out of here.
Thank you. Up next, the
talent portion of the show.
[ Irish folk music plays ]
[ Audience applauds ] Let's hear it for Tara.
Competition is stiff this
year. That was her
Nana's favorite song.
Hot in here. Fenner, you're up for talent.
You look like shit.
Kate fenner is up next,
performing an original tap dance.
[ Audience murmurs ] Hi.
Oh, my God... her 'mones. She
must be off her 'mones! Hi.
[ Murmuring continues ]
Oh! [ Glass shatters ]
And that was Kate fenner,
everyone. Let's welcome
Ms. Jennifer Pagano, with a
rendition of
"we didn't start the fire."
[ Panting ]
I'm here. I got a b12 shot
from first aid. I'm fine.
Just leave me here. I just need to be
with the ground for a little while.
Just go. You're gonna win.
I'm very happy for you.
What are you talking about? You have to get back out there.
This is what we've been waiting
for. This is what we
came all this way to do.
It's okay. You have less competition.
Kate, if you're not competing
out there, then I'm not
competing, either.
Really? Yeah.
I don't feel well.
Chloe? What is it?
You're the best friend I've
ever had. And you're mine.
Ooh!
That feels good. Bet that feels nice.
Yeah, there she is.
Chloe west, you're up next for talent.
Got to go!
Chloe? Chloe? Yeah.
Just make sure they can hear
you out there.
[ Audience applauds ] Ha ha ha!
A juggler with a message... how
often do you see that? And now,
here to perform Whitney Houston's
"the greatest love of all," Ms. Chloe west.
[ Audience applauds ]
Bright up here.
[ Singing unintelligibly ] ?
never to west in anyone's shadow ?
? if I first, if I...
At least I live
as widespread red ? ? eee-eee-eee,
eee-eee-eee ? no mattered
what they take from smay ? ? they
can't take away my rentity ?
They can't take away her dignity.
? the greatest love
of them ? ? is jealous to my friend
? not here to rest your fill
conclude! ? it is the
greatal you stun fell ?
? st [ Light applause
] ? e-e-e-east
[ light applause ] Thank you, Neptune!
Chloe west, thank you.
That's... that's... that's our talent portion.
Let's move on to q&a.
Fenner? Fenner, move your arse.
Q&a is next. Go, go, go!
Nothing we like more than questions and answers, huh?
Let's get some people out here
to answer questions. Listen,
listen, listen, listen.
Just stick to what you know
out there, okay? Okay.
All right. [ Clears throat ]
Uh, Ms. fenner, if you would,
please, describe for us the strides women
have made in the last half-century.
Don't screw it up. Whoa!
Fenner gets a tough one!
Uh... The strides women have made.
Okay.
Uh... Well, you know what? I'd like to open
up this discourse with a definition from
Webster's dictionary, which would
posit that women are not men.
I'm sorry. Actually, I'm gonna head in
from a different angle, because this
is reminding me of an old military adage.
You know what?
Has anyone seen the movie "an
officer and a gentleman"? [ Sighs ]
I don't have a fucking clue. I have no idea.
I don't know.
There's nothing happening right now.
Nothing.
I don't know. I don't know!
I have no idea!
I don't know the answer.
Thank you! Thank you!
You're welcome.
Yes! Wow!
Let's get on to the next... I did it.
You didn't know.
I had no idea. You had nothing.
Nothing!
[ Both sigh ] Yes!
Time to line up. This is it.
This... Is it.
This is where it started, huh?
Yep.
This is where it all began. He was, like, talking.
I was a good singer, you know?
Okay, here we go. Here we are. We're ready.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's my
supreme pleasure now to introduce to you
the legendary, undefeated small-town girl
turned superstar,
Ms. Laurel Kelly.
Gorgeous, Laurel! There she is.
Look at that, huh?
Whoo! Knows how to walk downstairs.
Still looks great.
No, not standby! Now! Now!
All right. Now, the moment
you've all been waiting for.
We got the results in. All tallied up.
See if they're written in
English. [ Audience laughs
] In third place...
[ Drumroll ] I just have to say
that I was so proud of you up there.
Thank you. Ms. Amanda Solnick.
[ Audience applauds ]
Pretty lady, all right. In second place...
[ Drumroll ]
I am so proud of you. Oh, thank you.
Let's hear it for
Jennifer Pagano! [ Audience applauds
] So close, almost... second
place. And in first place...
[ Drumroll ]
I just feel so good to be honest with each other.
And feel the feelings, even
if they're big feelings. And it
doesn't matter if we win or lose.
I'd like to introduce you to your
new Ms. Neptune, Colleen Mcniff!
[ Audience applauds ] ? she's
the one everybody wants ?
? will I be the lucky one? ? could I
be the only one? ? and she's the girl
that's once, once in a
lifetime ? ? and I found her
? now will she be mine? ?
will she be mine? No!
[ Audience gasps ] No! No!
Why do you win?! I wanted to win!
When is it our turn?!
Why?! Why?! No! Why?!
It should have been us! Why do you
get to decide if I'm pretty?!
Sherry, faith. [ Roars
] Oh, you better run!
Aaahhhh! [ Both
yelling ] why?!
Why are you doing this?!
That must have been really bottled up all these years.
I had to get that out of my
system. [ Sighs ] I'm
getting the losers off
stage. Reset to cue 72.
We're not losers.
We're Kate and Chloe. Kate me, Chloe her.
Kate and Chloe.
Do you need help with the cleanup?
I could...
no! No! Just go! Go!
Okay, we're going, we're
going, we're going.
You need to find to Andrew.
[ Birds chirping ] Life is good, huh?
Oh, it's the best.
And being a barista really isn't that bad.
I don't mind it.
And I love living in the Bronx. Me too!
? don't you worry, there,
my honey... ? it feels so
good to leave the past behind.
? But we've got our love
to pay the bills ? ? maybe...
And have nothing but the future ahead of us.
? maybe I want to do
what bunnies do with you ? ? if you
know what I mean ? oh, let's get rich
and buy our parents homes in the
South of France ? ? let's get rich
and give everybody nice sweaters and...
? aren't you glad we never sold
this real estate? This place is our future.
It's our pie in the sky.
? ...on a Mountain, making
everybody look like ants
from way up there ? I think when the
time comes, we're really gonna love it
here. Together "forevs."
? oh, let's get rich
and buy our parents homes in the
South of France ? ? let's get rich
and give everybody nice sweaters
and teach them how to dance ?
I got to pee. Me too.
Where?
? ...making everybody look
like ants from way up there ?
? I love it
? I love it
? I got this feeling
on a summer day
when you were gone ?
? I crashed my car
into the bridge ?
? I watched
? I let it burn
? I threw your shit into a bag
and pushed it down the stairs ?
? I crashed my car
into the bridge ?
? I don't care
? I love it
? I don't care
? I love it
? I love it
? I don't care
? I love it
? I don't care
? you're on a different road
? I'm in the milky way
? you want me down on earth,
but I am up in space ?
? you're so damn hard
to please ?
? we gotta kill this switch
? you're from the '70s,
but I'm a '90's bitch ?
? I love it
? I love it
? I got this feeling
on a summer day
when you were gone ?
? I crashed my car
into the bridge ?
? I watched
? I let it burn
? I threw your shit into a bag
and pushed it down the stairs ?
? I crashed my car
into the bridge ?
? I don't care
? I love it
? I don't care
? I love it
? I love it
? you're on a different road
? I'm in the milky way
? you want me down on earth,
but I am up in space ?
? you're so damn hard
to please ?
? we gotta kill this switch
? you're from the '70s,
but I'm a '90's bitch ?
? I don't care
? I love it
? I don't care
? I love it
? I love it
? I don't care
? I love it
? sitting up tonight
? thinking about the way
she smiled at me ?
? I can't believe
she noticed me ?
? I got to have that girl
? she makes me want to say
the things
I know she'd never say to me ?
? she's the one
everybody wants ?
? will I be the lucky one?
? Could I be the only one?
? And she's the girl
that's once,
once in a lifetime ?
? and I found her
? now will she be mine?
? Will she be mine?
? Let the beat control you
? let the beat control you
? let the beat control you
? let the beat control you
? all these people
talkin' 'bout you now ?
? they don't make no difference,
no ?
? we always have
the rhythm here,
in our blood
and in our souls ?
? so, let the beat
control you now ?
? there's nothing here
to care about ?
? just you and me
? let's break it down
? so, follow me
? I'll show you how
? all these people
talkin' 'bout you now ?
? they don't make no difference,
no ?
? we always have
the rhythm here,
in our blood
and in our souls ?
? so, let the beat
control you now ?
? there's nothing here
to care about ?
? just you and me
? let's break it down
? so, follow me
? I'll show you how
? the beat! The beat!
? The beat! The beat!
? The beat! The beat!
? The beat! The beat!
? Let the beat
control your body ?
? you and me
? there's no one watching
? come on,
we can rock this party
all night long, believe me ?
? let the beat
control your body ?
? you and me
? there's no one watching
? come on,
we can rock this party
all night long, believe me ?
? there is nothing
stopping you ?
? there is nothing stopping me
? so, let the beat
control your body, baby ?
? there is nothing
stopping you ?
? there is nothing stopping me
? so, let the beat
control your body, baby ?
? all these people
talkin' 'bout you now ?
? they don't make no difference,
no ?
? we always have
the rhythm here,
in our blood
and in our souls ?
? so, let the beat
control you now ?
? there's nothing here
to care about ?
? just you and me
? let's break it down
? so, follow me
? I'll show you how
? all the people
gather 'round now ?
? the beat! The beat!
? All the people
break it down now ?
? the beat! The beat!
? There is nothing
stopping you ?
? there is nothing stopping me
? so, let the beat
control your body, baby ?
? there is nothing
stopping you ?
? there is nothing stopping me
? so, let the beat
control your body, baby ?
? all the people,
gather 'round now ?
? so, let the beat
control your body, baby ?
? the beat! The beat!
? The beat! The beat!
Oh, breathe that in.
Mmm-mmm-mmm.
Mornings in New York.
Got to tell you.
It's another gorgeous day.
Oh, I never get sick of
Mother Nature.
It's just so lush here.
I never understand why people
say it's so hard to live in
Manhattan.
I know!
Oh, spoke too soon.
Let's go over.
Hello, sir.
It's a pleasure to meet your
acquaintance.
I'm Kate.
And I'm Chloe.
Kate me, Chloe her.
Kate and Chloe.
Okay?
We've got some things for
you.
Yeah, buy one more and get a
medium frozen yogurt on me.
And this is a 12-hour energy
shot.
It just lets you keep your
sparkle.
Yeah.
All right?
Oh, well, thank you!
Honestly. It's who we are.
Thank you.
[ Effeminately ] Why don't
you go just put a fucking animal
inside yourself and call
yourself a fuck party, 'cause
that's what the government's
doing to all of us.
Thank you. Have a great day.
Bye!
Thank you.
I got energy!
I got energy!
He's in a tough spot.
Homeless and battling sexual
identity?
That's a tricky combo.
And one I respect.
Absolutely.
Nice guy, too.
Oh, lovely.
Bitches!
I don't want to waste
anyone's time today.
There are a lot of people who
work in my industry who are
gonna make you promises that
they really can't keep.
But I feel I should tell you
that I've got a lot of other
couples who are banging down my
door, trying to do business with
these ovaries.
In fact, my eggs are some of the
finest that you will find in
Manhattan.
And right now... today... they
are ripe for the picking.
Ma'am, you cannot conduct
your meetings here any longer.
You can't sit here all day
without ordering a coffee.
This is my good friend,
Seth.
Listen.
I didn't hear a "no" from you
guys, so I'm gonna go ahead and
take that as a maybe.
And remember... Kate Fenner,
C.E.O. Of Fenner enterprises,
egg donor to the stars!
That's craigslist for you.
[ Clears throat ]
Okay. You must knock.
I cannot do what I need to do
out there if things are crazy in
here.
We're at places.
Thank you, places.
This...
[ Whispering ]
[ Mid-tempo dance music plays ]
New York City!
Stop!
[ Horns honking ]
Morning, sparkle. Morning, special lady.
[ Water bed gurgles ]
Whoa! Whee! Whee!
Okay, time for our horoscopes.
Yeah, what's mine say?
Uh-oh. Chloe? Hmm?
Is that what I think it is?
It's from the pageant.
[ Water gurgles ]
"The town of Neptune invites you...
Anniversary beauty pageant"?
[ Both laugh ] Um... Um...
No, thanks. I'm all set.
I'm good here. I'm okay, thank you, sir.
Oh, my God, when we tell Laurel
about this tonight, she's gonna die!
She's gonna be dead.
[ Sighs ] Thanks, but no spanks.
We're not going.
Yeah, we're not going, and
that's the end of the discussion.
So, the 50th anniversary... they're
just inviting everybody back to compete.
Wow. This is...
Really something.
I can't remember the last time I
thought of our pageant days. Oh.
Pssh! I haven't
thought about that in ages.
Little Kate, when you grow up, do you want
to be a mommy who enters the workforce or a
mommy who stays home? Um... Well,
can you maybe repeat the question?
When you're a mommy, do you want to enter
the workforce, or do you want to stay home?
Workplaces are where people work.
Are you a moron, kid?
[ Audience laughs ]
Such fun times. Here she is, singing
the song Tammy Wynette made famous.
Take it away, little Chloe! [ Audience
applauds ] [ Microphone feedback buzzes ]
[ Loudly and off-key ] ? stand
by your man ? give him two arms
to cling to ? Jesus, kid, you're
blowing everybody's eardrums out.
Back off the Mike!
[ Loudly and off-key ] ? stand by
your man ? and tell the world...
[ audience boos ] All right.
Come on. That's enough.
How about some Mike technique, huh?
[ Booing continues ]
Those were the days.
It's little Megan! [ Audience applauds
] Spent four hours on that hair,
such a patient girl. And now the
moment you've all been waiting for.
Please give a big round of applause
to Neptune's newest little li'l,
little miss Laurel. [ Audience applauds
] ? I can dream about you ?
Little Laurel... it's her second win in this category.
This girl is just a winner.
Don't cry. I thought you
were really good out there.
I loved your answer. And you
really do have the voice of an angel.
Well, your answer wasn't easy, and
that scares people. [ Sighs ]
Honestly, Chloe, even if we did want to go, I
don't think we'd be able to find the time.
Okay, who has the time with our
careers blowing up the way they are?
And so, yes, up until then, my entire life
had been about winning... winning the crown,
winning the modeling contract, winning the husband.
But what I would soon learn is
that helping others would be my
greatest win of all. Wow.
Okay. Wow! That's...
Yes! Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Shh!
The proceeds from today's sales will
go to Laurel's ladies, my charity,
which gives makeover to low-income gals so
that they can have the opportunity to look
like me... If only for one day.
Thank you, Laurel.
Wow! Thank you, Laurel!
People, get up!
You are such an inspiration. I'm a huge fan.
Okay, she gets it!
You're embarrassing yourself. Book, please.
Who am I making it out to?
Good one, Laurel! If you haven't bought
a book, I'm gonna have to ask you to...
silly goose. It's Kate and Chloe.
Kate and Chloe?
Kate me, Chloe her. Kate and Chloe.
ThaKate and Chloe, from my
pageant days? There she is.
She's on the page.
Yes, of course. I want you to know that
both of you have been in my prayers all
these years. Coming in dead
last couldn't have been easy.
Well, you know, that was then, and this is now.
So, I'd say we're doing pretty
good. Not too shabby.
Now, if we can let the
paying customers in, shall we? Yes, we should.
Guys, keep a single file,
okay? She does not have
all day, so, in and out.
Have your books ready. I'm
actually headed to Neptune next weekend.
They asked me to... compete
in the anniversary pageant?
Yeah, we got an invite, too. No,
they asked me to be a celebrity judge.
Can you even stand it? What have the two
of you been up to since the circuit?
[ Sighing ] Oh, God. Chloe, I know
for sure you haven't been doing anything
creative. Talent was never
really your thing, was it?
You know what, actually, Laurel?
Chloe's been performing every
single night for crowds of about 500-plus.
Well, you do.
Wow! That's really surprising.
What about you, Kate?
If times serve me, you weren't the
brightest bulb in the light shop.
Okay, Kate works in the medical profession now.
Got to have big-time brains for
that. What do you specialize in?
You know, I don't have a
medical degree, per se...
she's an egg donor. Yeah.
But she's got big dreams of managing other
girls' eggs when she inevitably ages out of the
field. That's long-term stuff,
but it's gonna be exciting.
I love the way the two of you aren't
embarrassed about where you are in life.
Thank you. Listen. If
you two need any help from
Laurel's ladies, you'd
certainly qualify. So...
Bye, Cheryl. Bye, faith.
Thank you.
I don't think Laurel got the full picture
of where we are. How could she have?
She only got a snapshot. I mean, I
don't want to go back to the pageant.
No, thanks, right? The only reason I
could even think of to go is to just get
some much-needed vacation time for you and me.
Yeah, we barely get to see
each other. I mean, look.
We don't need to go back for
ourselves. That's clear. I
mean, we could go back for
the other girls, you know? Sort
of raise the bar, so to speak?
Elevate the proceedings? Yeah.
I mean, not that it matters.
'Cause it doesn't. Okay,
but if we did go back there...
Both: We would win. [ Introduction
to aha's "take on me" plays ]
[ Horn honking ]
? Take on me [ Cd skipping
] ? take on me ? take on me
? take on me ? take me on-on-on-on-on
? I'll be-be-be-be-be gone
in a day or two-two-two-two-two-two
two-two-two-two-two ?
Bye-bye, Manhattan!
Until we meet again!
You know, it's great to be completely untethered.
Unfettered, with only our
most prized possessions on our backs.
I got to say.
I'm glad we got evicted. Oh,
I'm loving this. Confession?
What's up? I'm starting to feel a
little bit badly about our competitors.
I know. They have no chance. Should we pray for them?
I have already been sending
prayers up to the big guy all morning.
You got to surrender it, you
know? Just throw it up
and then give it to him.
You know? It's hard for them, because
you are gonna kill the q&a portion.
I know. And you're obviously
gonna destroy on talent.
It's just hard, 'cause they're nice.
Oh, they're so sweet.
If they weren't nice, it would
be different. So sweet.
You are off course. Please turn around.
Please go in northern
direction. No, I want British Richard.
Let me give you a hand,
'cause I need these babies to stay pristine.
Thank you, Chloe, but I need
to learn to work with these tips.
These are the face of my
business. You got to look
the part to play the game.
That's just that. [ British
accent ] Calculating roads.
Starting navigation. Wow, that voice.
He is hot. Gorgeous.
I'll direct you to Neptune, Canada.
I feel like he's someone you
could trust.
Yeah, Richard's a good man.
Baby girl? Hey. You okay?
I'm okay.
Just it comes in waves. Listen.
I don't want you to think that
in the midst of all this craziness of today
that I've forgotten it's a really hard
anniversary for you.
It's a tough day. Yeah!
I mean, how long has it been since you
and Stephen broke up? It's about 9...
91/2 years. Very fresh.
Like yesterday.
Yeah. Oh. [ Exhales deeply ]
Okay, that's doing something. Good.
Good! It might be too soon for me to
make a call, but I got a pretty good
feeling he's circling back any day now.
Yeah? Yes!
He is, isn't he?
Yeah! He is. He's coming back.
He's coming back!
Yes, he is! He's coming back! I know he is.
Per Richard, we have got a
very long drive ahead of us to Neptune.
So, that means no stops that
aren't absolutely necessary, okay?
We stop to eat and pee.
Right. And I say
we don't even do that.
No matter what, the end. Perfect.
I like candy when I can get
it. There's an exit!
There's an exit!
Get off! [ Tires screech ]
Chloe, we need this.
This place is a gold mine. Oh, my God,
Kate, that girl looks just like you.
She looks like she could be your daughter.
Oh, my God, Chloe.
That is hilarious. She's like my mini-me.
She could be your egg baby.
Ever wonder how many you have
running around out there? Mama.
Huh. This. And that one. Good.
I'm sorry, but do you have
another card? What?
It's probably just the strip.
You know what? Actually... I got one.
I got another one.
Why don't you try 9723?
Yeah. [ Beeping ]
No dice. What? That's craziness.
I am shocked right now.
You know what? Let's not mess around.
Bring out the big guns... 8765.
No more fooling.
Yeah. No.
Do you want to try 6439?
No. No, she's no good.
That shabby chic sale at target
totally did her up. 6253?
Are you on crack? Okay, she bottomed out
when we morphed our faces with celebs'
to see what our babies
would look like. 8765?
No. We drained her on the Nigerian
prince who e-mailed us about all
that trouble he had getting home. Kate...
That's the last of our
girls. All right. I am
going to call credit-card
companies. Lady Einstein's
got to figure this one out.
Shit. Chloe? It went buh-nuh-nuh-nuh.
I can't believe you went
buh-nuh-nuh-nuh at a time like this.
Give me your phone.
My phone's out of juice 'cause I left the
charger behind in order to make more room
for... your scrapbooks, right.
Um... Do you have cash?
Cash. Now, how would that work?
All right, okay.
We just need to figure out a way
to, like, live. [ Gasps ]
Look! A little, old bunny.
Can we keep him?!
Please! Chloe, we're not
keeping a wild animal.
That's insane. So, we just leave...
Andrew out here to die, in this foreign
wilderness? We do not
need a pet right now.
We need cash. I'll
take amazing care of him.
Chloe... [ Sighs ] ...You
honestly think that being
responsible for another life is what we need right now?
Actually, being responsible for
another life could be exactly what we need right now.
Yay! We're parents!
[ Cellphone ringing ] Ahoy!
Hi, dad.
Hey, Bruce. What can I
do for you girls? Listen.
Kate and I are in a little bit of a pickle, and
we could use some help... specifically, some
sweet cash money. [ Receiver
clicking ] oh, shit balls!
Bruce? I bet he's out on the yacht.
He gets, like, no service.
[ Sighs ] Chloe... Isn't
his house on the way to
Neptune? Yeah, it is.
Let's surprise him.
He just moved to this new, fatty condo in
this, like, super-exclusive gated community.
We stay the night in the lap of luxury,
which we deserve after all this driving.
He gives us money, which he loves to do.
We're back on the road in the
morning. Refreshed,
refueled, refinanced!
Careful. You want me to?
No, okay. Here.
Yeah, but... It's really tight with
the whole family in here together.
No, one more time. Try this way.
I'm really starting to
understand why people don't use these anymore.
It just doesn't make sense.
? All these people talkin' 'bout you
now ? ? they don't make no difference,
no ? thank you.
Both: One, two, three.
Mmm... [ Both mumbling ]
one, two, three...
Both: Juice. Juice?
I said, "Jews."
One, two, three... Both: Basketball.
Wow. That was weird.
We are, like, so on the same
page sometimes. Damn it!
? All night long, believe
me ? ? let that beat
control your body ? ? you and
me ? there's no one watching
? come on
? we can rock this party
'mones. My hormones. Wow!
I guess I never knew you gave them to yourself like that.
Oh, yeah, every 12 hours.
These eggs don't cook themselves.
[ Chuckles ]
Oh. [ G.P.S. Beeping
] everything okay?
Uh... Changing destination.
Yes, totally.
Just, um, appears that we may have driven a
hop, skip, and a jump in the wrong direction.
For some reason, Richard is thinking
we're going to Neptune, Canada.
Why would Richard think that? I don't know
if these tips plugged in the wrong address by
accident. [ Groans
] better not have.
Well, how long have we been
driving in the wrong direction for?
Well, just like... Just like
all of today. [ Groans ]
Are you mad? No. [
Laughing ] of course not.
Einstein couldn't cook a can of soup,
and you are exactly the same way.
Thank you, Chloe. Okay. Yes.
We are making tracks
starting... Right now. Yay!
[ Horn honks ]
Hey! Oh, look out, buddy.
[ Dog barking in distance ] Garden.
The terrace seems sort of dim.
Where's the... [ Door opens
] [ Insects chirping ]
Dad? Chloe? This
is your dad's new condo?
Oh, boy. Hup, hup! Oh!
Okay.
Good night, moneybags.
Good night, Bruce. Oh.
What? Whoop! Good night, stinker.
Good night, dad.
I love you, girls. Love you, too.
Love you, dad.
Don't let them bite! [ Women
scream, laugh ] good night.
Good night! Oh, my God.
Can you believe him?
I honestly... oh! Okay.
I can't believe that...
oh. Oop. Bruce, do you
need a hand with that?
Dad?
Whew! I mean, I don't understand.
He was always offering us money
in those rare cases of emergency.
Like when we needed your
business cards printed. When we needed
those publicity stills taken of you.
Obviously, the water bed. This doesn't feel great.
These are a lot of... Feelings.
Yep. I don't like this.
I don't like this one bit.
Okay. Let's play a fun game. Let's
pretend that we never came here.
No, come on. We're just at home, and
we're watching some of our favorite
programs. Let him you know that
you love him and that you support
him, okay? I'm not going to rehab!
Brian, you got two choices-
recovery or death, and I promise
you, it's gonna be one or the other.
Brian had such a sparkle when he was younger.
Can you believe it got so bad?
Actually, Chloe, I can. He was addicted to meth and sex.
It's a very tricky combination
for someone. Another Ambien?
Yes, thank you.
Both: Boop! That's all you have
to do s say yes, and we're extending
all of our hands to help you. Um... Before
I go, I want to smoke this 20 bag I have.
If that's what it's gonna take to
get you down there, then that's okay.
All right, I'll go, man! Oh, my God!
He's going! Oh, thank God.
Oh, thank God. See? I told you.
Rehabilitation always cheers us
up. I feel so much better, and,
Brian, sweet boy, you're in our
prayers tonight big-time. Here, here!
[ Microwave beeping ]
Sleep okay, dad? Like a king.
I don't think that's plugged
into anything. Wish I could spend more
time with you gals, but it's the busy
part of my season. I'm selling
gold nuggets on ebay.
I can't believe nobody's ever thought of it.
I misspell the word "nugget" on
the website. I'm sorry. Come again.
I leave the "g" out of the
word "nugget." This way, I get all the
traffic from the people that don't know
how to spell. I figured, I didn't know
how to spell it, so you bet your ass
there's a lot of people that don't
know how to spell it, either.
I mean, it's a surefire way to make money.
I mean, I have to...
I had to sell the mall kiosk,
unfortunately. Oh, no.
It turns out people, they don't want to
buy hats that are made specifically to wear
backwards. They'd rather just buy a
regular hat, you know, turn it around.
Pfft! Right! You win some.
You lose some.
The money will come rolling in soon.
I guess I was hoping maybe
you'd be gearing up for... Retirement soon?
No, I can't retire.
Having a daughter's too expensive, especially
if she's got a friend who's got a taste
for sharper image. [ Laughs ]
I'm just kidding with you,
Katie. [ Chuckles ]
I'm gonna help you guys.
You know what? No, no. If
there was ever an emergency,
this is it. I'm gonna get the two
of you to that pageant double-time.
I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna get you some
of my credit cards. [ Hair dryer whirring ]
Okay, you know what, dad?
I'm... we're okay. Really?
We'll be fine. We're gonna
get there, anyway. So...
See, Chloe? It's not our fault.
Of course we thought he was
doing well.
[ Engine turns over ]
Okay, all right. Clearly, we got a little
bit too comfortable, but, honestly, that
stops today, Chloe. Enough is enough, and
this may have been a wake-up call for us.
We're very big girls, and we are going
to get to that pageant on our own steam.
And if all else fails, we can always fall
back on our real-estate investment property.
No! Chloe, we never
sell that real estate.
You know that.
We bought that property 10 years ago.
It's for our retirement, not to
get us out of a tough spot. It's where number
one and number one are gonna head when
we close up shop. Sheesh.
Thank God I'm here.
Otherwise, you'd sell that... [ Voice breaking ] Wait.
I'm, like, feeling some more
feelings... Big feelings.
Again?
[ Moans ] All right, okay.
Shit.
All right, Chloe, let's just start a
sing-along, and we can distract ourselves.
? Oh-oh-oh no, no. I
think I need to talk to
someone. Oh. Okay, shoot.
No, like, a... Therapist? Well, I
mean, I do work in the medical field.
Go on, Ms. west. So, after the
powder-puff game, when Stephen said, "let's
break up," it came as a
total shock to me. Mmm.
Because for starters, and this is really
bringing some stuff up right now, we were both
in "the sound of music." I mean, he was...
[ Girl laughs ]
...we'd just gotten back from the youth-group
ski trip, where he told me liked me on the lift,
and then he fingered me for the first time.
It's not so much that it hurt...
can I stop you for one second, Chloe?
I love where you're going with
this, by the way. I think
it's the right direction.
I just think it's gonna be important for you
to remember that you have a really special
friend in Kate. Speaking of her,
she sounds like a great gal.
She is. Honestly, sometimes
I wish she could see you.
Love to meet her. She's wonderful.
You know, let's get back to
Stephen, 'cause there's so much stuff to unpack there.
For instance, the look on his
face when he sees me with that crown on my head.
But why are we assuming that
you'll win? Oh, I mean, both me and Kate.
We'll both win.
Won't we? Actually, I've
never thought about it before.
I don't know that both you and Kate can win.
What are you saying?
I don't know. I think
that only one of us can win.
So, one of us will win, and on of us...
Will lose?
[ Horn honks ] [ Both scream
] [ Screaming continues ]
[ Both panting ]
[ Steam hissing ]
Listen. I'm starting to feel like
this pageant was a real piss-poor
idea. Why should we even go? I
don't want to win if it means
you'll lose. I couldn't bear a
second of success without you.
I feel the same exact way. You know what?
We are not going, and that's it.
You know what? That's it. We're not going.
We're gonna hitchhike our way
back to New York, and we'll stay with friends.
Or new friends that we meet
until we find a place. We
are not going. Nope.
I'm not going. See, what I hate
about this is putting our young, supple
bodies on parade on the open road.
If we hitchhike, we have to
be prepared for what everyone's gonna want.
[ Sighs ]
Like, when do we get some peace, people?!
Leave us alone.
Whoa.
Ha-cha-cha. Mama Mia.
Who is that dark knight?
? Dime-store diamond ? dime-store
diamond you little ladies need some
help? I'll send our
resident mechanic out here.
She'll fix your van up in no time.
Where exactly do you live?
In a safe haven, where the fraudulent
chains of patriarchy don't bind you.
Aah! ? dime-store
diamond [ Insects chirping ]
That was amazing. All right.
You all right there, Chloe?
I'm okay. Okay, just...
I'm okay.
Ah, the classics.
Oh! Ah. Neat.
Good for her. Hey, come on in!
Come on in. There they are.
Sit right down here. Thank you.
Looks delicious.
Wow. Well, take and pass along.
Who has the salt and pepper?
So, where were you women headed when I picked you up?
Well, we are headed back home
to New York City. We were originally
headed to compete in this beauty pageant.
Beauty pageant? The very same men who
would put women up on a stage to degrade
and judge them are the very same men
we wear these whistles in protest of.
I was admiring those. The moment a
man is sighted... or, as we call them,
rapists... the whistle is sounded.
It should be.
And punishment is duly administered.
I never thought of it like
that. Ah, we live in a world very
far removed from the competition
of beauty pageants. Here, we don't
compete against other women.
We share our talents together. We share everything.
Now, let's bow our heads in
pagan prayer. You know what
they're really saying, don't you?
Yeah, they're not coming out
with it, but the message is clear.
...keep our sisterhood safe.
They want us to go to that pageant.
Yep. And we're going. ...This
place, where there is only love...
I love you, sister. ...Friendship...
I love you, too, sister.
[ Drum beating ] Oh-ah!
Oh-ah! Oh-ah! Oh-ah!
[ Chanting ] Haaaa! [ Roars ]
Damn! Wow! Whoo!
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
Go, go, go, go, go! Wow! God.
Who will lend a talent now? Ooh, Chloe will.
Chloe will. Oh, no, not tonight.
She's being so modest, you guys.
And all of you will be able to
say you knew her when, because Chloe
here is about to blow up any second.
[ Groans ] Go out there!
Okay, okay.
Chloe, Chloe! I will be performing
a piece by en vogue, entitled
"my lovin'" or
"you're never gonna get it."
[ Whispering ] ? you're never
gonna get my lovin' ?
? never gonna get my lovin' ? I remember how
it used to be ? you never were this nice
? maybe next time... What did
I tell you guys? Is she a star?
[ Monotone ] And now it's time
for a breakdown. [ Whispering ]
? Never gonna get it ? never gonna
get it [ Insects chirping ]
[ Light applause ] Not too shabby.
So nice to have young blood
here. Yeah. Sister
solstice is gonna go the
way of the dodo bird unless we find
another way to market it to young people.
I mean... Oh, my God, that's so sad.
[ Gasps ]
I'm sorry. You guys, everybody here
knows that Kate is, like, a hugely
high-powered c.E.O, right? I
don't like to talk about it.
No, no, no. Kate could help you guys
come up with a new business plan in her
sleep. Kate, would you get
up there and do what you do?
Help them. Go! Kate!
Because I like you guys.
Because I like you guys. Kate!
All right, all right.
Um... [ Clears throat ] Okay.
Let me think. Let me think. Um...
Okay, so you need younger
members. That's the problem.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, we can do that. So, what do you do?
What do you do? What do you do?
You could go to another country, and you
round up... you round up a bunch of women.
So, you fly them over here. No, I'm
so sorry, actually. You don't.
Because part of a successful business
plan is keeping the costs low.
So, you put them in a bunch of big boats.
You really just stuff them in
there. Then, they have a
nice, cozy ride over here.
And then, voil, they're here. They work the land
by day, and at night, maybe they develop new
types of music. They become very popular.
And, eventually, everyone wants
to be just like them. [ Light
applause ] [ Insects chirping ]
You're welcome. That one was free of charge.
Not the next time.
Ooh! [ Clears throat
] Anytime, you guys.
[ Clears throat ]
[ Insects chirping ]
[ Knock on door ] Knock, knock, knock.
Come in!
Ooh! [ Chuckles ]
Well, your van's ready.
So, you'll be all set in the morning.
Oh, thank you so much.
Listen. We don't have
any money just right...
oh, stop! Your money's no good here.
You know, it's been so nice
having you both here. Night-night.
Night-night!
[ Chuckles ] [
Door closes ] Wow.
There it was. Oh, God.
I'm no dummy.
Vans for free? Nothing in
this life is for free, Chloe.
Looks like it's time to pay the Piper.
[ Sighs ]
[ Woman snoring ]
[ Insects chirping ]
[ Whistle blows ] Rape!
Aah! Oh, my God!
[ Women screaming ] Come on! Go, go, go, go!
[ Screaming continues ]
[ Rifle fires ] Aaahhhhh!
I don't understand. Why are they so upset?
Qwen was asking for it.
She should have said, "thank
you." Right! I mean, right?
I don't know. I guess maybe there's
a possibility that they didn't
like us like that. There
was a remote possibility.
I mean, look. Even if we weren't quite
their cup of tea, they had no right to
treat us like we're animals. Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, no, no, no, no! What?!
Andrew!
Oh, my God! Who's Andrew?!
Save our bunny! What
happened to him? Um...
He... Well...
It's so terrible.
We saved him from the wild. He was...
And then, he wouldn't eat or
drink. He, like, refused to get
out of the back of the van.
It can get really pricey if we have to perform surgery.
[ Voice breaking ] There is
not a price we could put on the
life of our pet! All right.
I can't believe we almost killed sweet,
little Andrew. We almost raped qwen.
We...
she practically begged us.
[ Sighs ] Wish we could
get on the road. Yeah.
Let's get to stepping here.
Magic waits for no man... Or beast.
[ Snickers ] Hey... So...
Since it doesn't matter who
wins... and don't take this
the wrong way. Never.
If you were to, say, hunker down, really just
kind of refine anything before we get there...
and don't take this the wrong way.
Chloe, I couldn't.
I would give a little more thought to the q&a
portion, simply based on the proposal you
outlined for the sisters. I just feel like
sometimes you have so many brilliant ideas...
and don't take this the wrong way.
Mnh-mnh!
That sometimes it comes off like you don't
have a clue what you're talking about.
Hmm... You know, what you saw
with the sisters, that was idle
chit-chat. Okay. Yeah,
because when I get to
the pageant, I'm gonna be blowing it out.
Totally!
Totally. And the only reason I said
anything is because it doesn't
matter who wins.
Right.
Since it doesn't matter who wins... oh, you know what?
I don't want you to get upset.
Shan't. Well, I do feel I need
to tell you, as your best friend...
I don't want you to get upset, but I think
you may want to work on the singing a little
bit. I'm just not sure that it's
totally as in the bag as you
think it is. How do you mean?
Well, I don't want you to get
upset because I think that you have
such a beautiful voice. Thank you.
But I don't know if it's all that time you spent
in the box or what, but I think it's gonna
be super-important day of that... We hear it.
Your voice, that is.
Well, I was conserving for
the pageant, so... Ahh!
Well, that makes sense.
[ Chuckles ]
Oh.
Thanks. Hello, ladies.
Andrew...
Is recovering nicely. Oh!
Oh, praise to j.C.!
Oh! Oh! 2,000 bones?!
Are you kidding me?
Kate, we got to sell that real estate, okay?
How else are we gonna get Andrew
out and get to the pageant? Chloe Elizabeth
west, I have told you a million times, we do
not touch that real estate.
You know that. Okay.
Well, beyond selling our most prized possessions,
I have no idea how we're gonna get there.
Stuffed bears and dogs, hot-lips phone,
cheap China figures, cassettes, dishes,
"babysitter club" books. You
brought a lot of stuff. Wow!
Is this everything? Everything
but my scrapbooks. They stay.
Oh. I mean, scrappies or no,
we are about to make a mint.
Got some pretty nice pieces. All right, sweet
baby dolls, I totaled up all your trinkets,
and I can give you all... $40 even for it.
I'm sorry.
That can't be right. I've spent
thousands of dollars on my things.
Your numbers are way off. Well, puddin',
I can't tell you what you spent on it.
I can only tell you what it's worth... $40.
This shit is her life.
This is her entire universe. So, I guess I'm
just to infer that this person standing beside
me is worth $40? Mm-hmm.
No.
You're not making this easier. $40, sweet peas.
Take her or leave her.
Wait, Kate. Which prized
possessions did you bring?
Maybe they can sweeten the pot. Oh.
Yes. Right. But what's in it?
Do you mean, besides my hormones?
What's your prized
possession? Right. But what are we selling?
That's all you brought on a
road trip, sugar? [ Sighs
] Just give it to me.
Bye. I'm gonna pray on them girls.
Pray on them hard.
She made it seem like we don't have
anything, but I don't think that's true.
Me neither. We have a lot
of stuff, Chloe. Yeah.
Like what?
[ Insects chirping ] Poor, little Andrew!
This place is so depressing.
Ugh! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! My
leg, my leg, my leg, my leg,
my leg! Chloe? There.
It's okay, Andrew.
Okay.
This is a really nice motel. Oh, yeah.
I don't mind this.
I mean, so what if we couldn't
afford a room? Totally.
[ Insects chirping ]
[ Yawns ]
We'll be okay, right? At the pageant?
Yeah!
I mean, definitely. [ Insects
chirping ] I mean, we've come so far,
right? Have we? I mean,
I thought so, but...
Yeah, me too.
? I got my party dress on ? I
got my shoes that get me gone ?
? and if you want... Chloe.
Spring break.
Must be nice. Got to go.
Yeah.
Let's go! Having fun.
? it's been a day
excuse me, young lads. A
lady is present. Thank you.
? I'm doing okay ? 'cause
if it dumps, I bump it back
and bump it back till
it's play ? hi.
Hello. ? something
feeling good is money ?
? I got my party dress on ? I
got my shoes that get me gone ?
? and if you want, you come
along ? ? I got... I got...
[ laughs ] ? I got my
party dress on ? I got my shoes
that get me gone ? cute suits.
Hey, ladies, you're blocking
our sun. What are you
guys even doing here?
Yeah, this isn't a sexiest geek convention.
You guys are, like, just so,
just... Old. [ Laughs ]
? I got my shoes that get
me gone ? ? and if you want,
you come along ? ? I got
...I got [ Laughs ]
Yeah.
You know, I feel like those
girls must have been on something.
I mean, the kids these days. They're so
hopped up, they don't know what's going on.
[ Gasps ] Katherine
Maxine Fenner, look. $500!
That's enough to get us all the way there!
"Amateur nite."
Chloe, it must be a karaoke contest!
Your sign called for
amateurs, which so clearly implies
youth, which we have in spades.
Fine. Whatever. Who cares? Who's
dancing first, "blue eyes" or "big tits"?
Oh. [ Audience cheers ]
All right, everyone, give it
up for Mercedes benz. That's
the way she likes it, fellas.
Suck it! Now, welcome to the
stage two new girls, blue eyes and
big tits! Nice to meet you.
Hi. Kate Fenner.
Fenner enterprises. Nice to meet you.
[ Hip-hop music plays ]
? Please believe... ? Barry?
Boost up the music.
[ Music gets louder ] ? 'cause I'm the
boy, baby ? ? yo, 'cause I'm the boy ?
Do something! ? ...On the street
? ? 'cause I'm the boy, baby ?
? 'cause I'm the, 'cause
I'm the ? 'cause I'm the ?
[ Light applause, cheers ] [ Audience
hoots ] [ Audience applauds ]
[ Audience cheers, whistles ]
Oh-oh-oh!
Yeah! There you go.
There's something... crawling.
Right? We like crawling.
[ Cheering continues ]
? 'Cause I'm the boy, baby ? ?
'cause I'm the boy, baby ? ow!
Ow! [ Gagging ]
You're choking her.
You're choking her. ? 'cause I'm
the boy, baby ? 'cause I'm the ?
'Cause I'm the ? whoo!
? 'Cause I'm the boy, baby ? ? 'cause I'm the
boy, baby ? ? 'cause I'm the boy, baby ?
Enough of the Beyonc shit.
Take something off!
That ain't legal. We're
gonna lose our license again.
[ Cheering continues ]
Thank you very much.
If you hadn't taken your pants off,
we'd be on the way to the pageant by now.
How was I to know that it was merely a topless bar?
And, by the way, I had to do
something out there. I turn around.
The next thing I know you're
shaking your tatties everywhere. And the people loved it!
Don't fight, pretty ladies.
Is that... No. Brian
from rehabilitation?
A meth addict with a heart of gold!
Just a splash of sex
addiction. Well, who
could blame him for that?
Comes with the territory. All right.
Okay. Honestly, Chloe, just try to be
cool in front of him, because celebs really
don't like you to drool all over them.
You, too, okay? Just remember... Brian
and I are titans of the same industry.
We're both stars. May we join you?
Is anybody sitting here?
No. Okay. Um... Hi.
I'm Kate fenner.
Hey, I'm Brian. I know who you are.
Can I just say, you're just as
good-looking as you are on TV, and I know that
sometimes that doesn't happen with everyone.
So... I'm Chloe. Hi.
[ Laughs ] Yeah, so, I keep getting
picked up by the cops for shit I
didn't do. God! How
dare they persecute you,
Brian, when the entire world saw you get clean.
Small town, small-minded
people. Yeah, I'm a sex
addict, not a sex offender.
Exactly! Two different things.
Brian hickman?
That's me! So nice meeting you.
You too.
Oh! [ Breathing
heavily ] Oh!
Kate fenner and Chloe west. Thank
you so much, officer Fitzgerald.
I've got good news and bad news.
The bad news is, your car's been
impounded. The good news? It
looks like that crackhead is
about to post your bail. [ Sighs
] He really does have a heart of
gold. Aw! I can't
believe we're at Brian's
house! Oh, my God, it looks so
much smaller than it does on TV.
[ Gasps ] That's the hole he punched
in the wall after he lost custody
of Taylor and Lesean! Chloe,
I totally recognize that pipe.
No, it was here!
Fuck! Bri?
Goddamn motherfucker! Cocksucker!
Bri guy?
Oh! Whoa! Motherfucker!
Hey.
Everything okay, buddy? Who the fuck are you?
Get the fuck out of my goddamn
house! Brian, it's Kate and Chloe.
You know, Kate and Chloe?
Kate me, Chloe her. Kate and Chloe.
Oh, yeah!
Why didn't you say something? We should have.
I thought there was intruders
in my house. I was like,
"I'll fucking kill you!"
How'd you find me here? You invited us, sweetie.
You brought us here.
Yeah. Oh, God, that's so good.
Hello.
Hi. Hi! Um...
You want a drink?
I would love one. Whatever you want to do.
I'll, uh, I'll get some
drinks for you. Soda water with
a splash of cran would be great.
All right. How's whiskey?
That's fine. Okay.
It was after I got kicked out of "promises," I
hit rock bottom. Sorry to interrupt you, but
lower than we saw on the show?
Oh, yeah... way lower. Wow!
Then, I sort of... I got... I got to
stop you for a second, because I'm just
struggling to imagine what you could mean when
you say lower, because I could stake my life on
this. I thought we were
at rock bottom with you.
Was I wrong about that? Oh, yeah.
Things got worse for a while.
Wow! Wow. It's unbelievable.
Whoa! Okay.
Okay, continue. Yeah, talk
about it, man. Continue.
Rock bottom came for me... Yeah.
...When I started selling my
sperm for a dirty fucking buck. [ Sniffling
] I'd get so fucked up and loaded,
cracked out of my fucking mind. And
I'd show up to band practice and...
You can tell us, Brian! I'd
whisper the words so soft...
No one could fucking hear me.
[ Crying ] There, there.
Just hug me. It's gonna be okay.
You guys give me strength.
[ Unenthused ] Great. I'm so happy.
[ Unenthused ] Yeah.
I'm gonna get my journal. I should
write this down. Okay, okay.
[ Sighs ]
Wow! Sounded eerily familiar.
It did.
Guess celebs really are just like us.
[ Sighs ]
What the hell am I sitting on? Oh, come on!
Brian's reading it?!
It's that goddamn pageant!
It fucked us up. We lost...
And then we just kept on losing.
Maybe we are losers!
Chloe... I mean, maybe
we can change that.
I mean, look at Brian. Look at
what he's done with himself.
Brian, no! [ Coughing ]
What is in that pipe, and I
want you to be honest with me right now.
Are you retarded?
It's crystal. You went to rehab.
You got a second chance.
You started over! Yeah,
keep telling yourself that.
Some of us? We're just born fucking
losers who will die that way.
That is not true, Brian! We can
go back, and we can change things.
Nobody changes. Recovery?
Recovery's fucking bullshit.
Brian, pass the pipe.
That's good.
Thank you. ? take on
me ? take on me, take on me,
take on me ? ? take me on-on-on-on
? I'll be-be-be-be-be-be gone
in a day or two-two-two-two-two two-two-two-two-two-two-two-two
two-two-two-two-two-two-two-two
two-two-two-two-two-two-two-two
two-two-two-two ?
Let me lead. We're turning, Chloe.
No, we're not turning, 'cause
I'm not ready to turn.
We're turning now. Turn!
Will you just fucking
stop it already?! Brian.
I thought I knew where rock bottom was.
You guys are sick.
What are you talking about? No, you got to go.
I'm not gonna watch it anymore.
I am not enabling this disease for one more second!
If it's some fucking stupid
beauty pageant that made you do this,
then you got to go and deal with it.
Now go! Get out of my house!
Aah! Aah!
Go! Get out! Jesus!
[ Siren wails, dog barks
[ in distance ] Oh! I have to pee.
Yeah, well, so do I. Where
the fuck are we?! I don't know!
This isn't exactly how I pictured
rolling into the pageant.
Uh, yeah. Me neither. But I would have
been there by now if it weren't for you
wasting an entire day driving in the wrong direction!
We wouldn't have even gotten
this far if it hadn't been for me!
This far?
I could have gotten us this far. Well, I guess
I'll have to take your word for it since you
have to drive once! Oh, perfect.
Grab your locket again, Chloe.
You're so delusional. You honestly
think that a guy who broke up with you
91/2 years ago is even gonna remember who you are?
The only reason I think that
is because you're the one who's always
telling me he's gonna call any day now.
I feel like you told me that because
you don't want me to leave you.
You think selling your eggs
is a business. [ Scoffs ]
You call them my product.
You're not a businesswoman, Kate.
You're a hen. Human livestock.
Actually, no.
You know what you're the c.E.O.
Of? What? Say it!
You're the c. E.O...
Of dum-dums.
Well, at least I've tried. Come on.
You're the one who's always
telling me my career is gonna blow
up any second. Your career?!
What career, Chloe?! People stare
at you from outside a glass cube.
Not a big star, Chloe. Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?
What am I? Come on. Come on.
You're a human oddity.
[ Gasps ]
[ Both urinating ] I'm starting to think
I could do a lot better getting to this
pageant on my own. Yeah. I'm
thinking I should have been
on my own a long time ago. [ Vehicle
approaching ] Hey, sir?!
Sir? Sir? So sorry. We're
just really turned around.
See, we've been driving for four days from New
York City, and we're trying to get to Neptune.
Four days? You're only four
hours outside of Manhattan.
Neptune's only a town away.
Okay.
We're going to be... Just fine.
Hello. You've reached 411 connect.
Please deposit 50 cents to
continue.
[ Sighs ]
Hello? Hi, sweetie.
Hi, little girl.
Listen. Maybe you could help steer me
in the direction of, I don't know,
civilization? Maybe you could take me
back to your house, and I could talk to
your daddy or your...
Mommy? Oh, God.
Okay. So... Is your school around here, or...
Hey, do you talk at all?
? I love myself ? I want you
to love me ? when I feel down,
I want you above me ? ? I search
myself ? I want you to find me
? I forget myself ? I want you to
remind me ? I don't want anybody else
? when I think about you, I touch
myself ? ? ooh, I don't want
anybody else ? ? when I think
about you, I touch myself ?
? oh, I don't want
anybody else ? ? oh, no
? oh, no ? oh, no
? you're the one
who makes me come runnin' ? ?
you're the sun who makes me shine ?
? when you're around, I'm always
laughin' ? ? I want to make you mine
? I want you ? I don't want anybody
else ? when I think about you,
I touch myself ? ? oh-oh ? oh
? oh-oh ? oh ? I don't
want anybody else
? when I think about you, I touch
myself ? ? oh, I don't want
anybody else ? ? when I think
about you, I touch myself ?
? I touch myself ? I touch
myself ? I touch myself
I love you all! ? I
touch myself ? I touch myself
? I touch myself ? I don't
want anybody else ? oh, no
? oh, no ? oh, no
all right! Give it up for everyone
we've seen today and for yourselves
and for our sponsors.
Well... If it isn't Kate and Chloe.
Where the shit have you two
girls been?! Is there any way we
could still just run in there real
quick? Baby lils, li'l lils, and
little missus are almost done!
Okay. Ms. Neptune is up next.
We have done tech, dry run,
dry run with tech, dress,
speed-through dress, no costumes,
speed-through dress, props, costumes,
no makeup, walk the curtain call, and
lunch. If the audience sees you,
it's because I'm lighting you.
If they hear you, it's because I'm miking you.
If they applaud, it's because
I'm working my little heinie off.
So, if you want to be in my
pageant, you better be here to
win.
Whoa!
Places!
Places for models in motion!
How about those teen gals? Okay. Weren't they great?
Now, what can I say about this
next group? Um, let's hear it for
the ripened beauties competing for
the Ms. Neptune award! [
Audience applauds ] Excuse me.
? The world's got so dark, I need some guidance
to see ? ? 'cause this pain in my heart
is taking everything from me ? [
Material rips ] [ Audience applauds ]
Fuck! ? please
give some love to me ?
? 'cause I'm feeling so alone
right now, it's suffocating me ?
? God, give me strength to keep on
walking ? ? God, give me strength
to keep on walking ? ? God, give
me strength to keep on walking ?
? God, give me strength to keep on
walking ? ? the air's got so thick,
I find it hard... ? all right, let's
hear it for all our potential Ms. Neptunes.
Yeah. That's it. Move it.
Sidestep out of here.
Thank you. Up next, the
talent portion of the show.
[ Irish folk music plays ]
[ Audience applauds ] Let's hear it for Tara.
Competition is stiff this
year. That was her
Nana's favorite song.
Hot in here. Fenner, you're up for talent.
You look like shit.
Kate fenner is up next,
performing an original tap dance.
[ Audience murmurs ] Hi.
Oh, my God... her 'mones. She
must be off her 'mones! Hi.
[ Murmuring continues ]
Oh! [ Glass shatters ]
And that was Kate fenner,
everyone. Let's welcome
Ms. Jennifer Pagano, with a
rendition of
"we didn't start the fire."
[ Panting ]
I'm here. I got a b12 shot
from first aid. I'm fine.
Just leave me here. I just need to be
with the ground for a little while.
Just go. You're gonna win.
I'm very happy for you.
What are you talking about? You have to get back out there.
This is what we've been waiting
for. This is what we
came all this way to do.
It's okay. You have less competition.
Kate, if you're not competing
out there, then I'm not
competing, either.
Really? Yeah.
I don't feel well.
Chloe? What is it?
You're the best friend I've
ever had. And you're mine.
Ooh!
That feels good. Bet that feels nice.
Yeah, there she is.
Chloe west, you're up next for talent.
Got to go!
Chloe? Chloe? Yeah.
Just make sure they can hear
you out there.
[ Audience applauds ] Ha ha ha!
A juggler with a message... how
often do you see that? And now,
here to perform Whitney Houston's
"the greatest love of all," Ms. Chloe west.
[ Audience applauds ]
Bright up here.
[ Singing unintelligibly ] ?
never to west in anyone's shadow ?
? if I first, if I...
At least I live
as widespread red ? ? eee-eee-eee,
eee-eee-eee ? no mattered
what they take from smay ? ? they
can't take away my rentity ?
They can't take away her dignity.
? the greatest love
of them ? ? is jealous to my friend
? not here to rest your fill
conclude! ? it is the
greatal you stun fell ?
? st [ Light applause
] ? e-e-e-east
[ light applause ] Thank you, Neptune!
Chloe west, thank you.
That's... that's... that's our talent portion.
Let's move on to q&a.
Fenner? Fenner, move your arse.
Q&a is next. Go, go, go!
Nothing we like more than questions and answers, huh?
Let's get some people out here
to answer questions. Listen,
listen, listen, listen.
Just stick to what you know
out there, okay? Okay.
All right. [ Clears throat ]
Uh, Ms. fenner, if you would,
please, describe for us the strides women
have made in the last half-century.
Don't screw it up. Whoa!
Fenner gets a tough one!
Uh... The strides women have made.
Okay.
Uh... Well, you know what? I'd like to open
up this discourse with a definition from
Webster's dictionary, which would
posit that women are not men.
I'm sorry. Actually, I'm gonna head in
from a different angle, because this
is reminding me of an old military adage.
You know what?
Has anyone seen the movie "an
officer and a gentleman"? [ Sighs ]
I don't have a fucking clue. I have no idea.
I don't know.
There's nothing happening right now.
Nothing.
I don't know. I don't know!
I have no idea!
I don't know the answer.
Thank you! Thank you!
You're welcome.
Yes! Wow!
Let's get on to the next... I did it.
You didn't know.
I had no idea. You had nothing.
Nothing!
[ Both sigh ] Yes!
Time to line up. This is it.
This... Is it.
This is where it started, huh?
Yep.
This is where it all began. He was, like, talking.
I was a good singer, you know?
Okay, here we go. Here we are. We're ready.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's my
supreme pleasure now to introduce to you
the legendary, undefeated small-town girl
turned superstar,
Ms. Laurel Kelly.
Gorgeous, Laurel! There she is.
Look at that, huh?
Whoo! Knows how to walk downstairs.
Still looks great.
No, not standby! Now! Now!
All right. Now, the moment
you've all been waiting for.
We got the results in. All tallied up.
See if they're written in
English. [ Audience laughs
] In third place...
[ Drumroll ] I just have to say
that I was so proud of you up there.
Thank you. Ms. Amanda Solnick.
[ Audience applauds ]
Pretty lady, all right. In second place...
[ Drumroll ]
I am so proud of you. Oh, thank you.
Let's hear it for
Jennifer Pagano! [ Audience applauds
] So close, almost... second
place. And in first place...
[ Drumroll ]
I just feel so good to be honest with each other.
And feel the feelings, even
if they're big feelings. And it
doesn't matter if we win or lose.
I'd like to introduce you to your
new Ms. Neptune, Colleen Mcniff!
[ Audience applauds ] ? she's
the one everybody wants ?
? will I be the lucky one? ? could I
be the only one? ? and she's the girl
that's once, once in a
lifetime ? ? and I found her
? now will she be mine? ?
will she be mine? No!
[ Audience gasps ] No! No!
Why do you win?! I wanted to win!
When is it our turn?!
Why?! Why?! No! Why?!
It should have been us! Why do you
get to decide if I'm pretty?!
Sherry, faith. [ Roars
] Oh, you better run!
Aaahhhh! [ Both
yelling ] why?!
Why are you doing this?!
That must have been really bottled up all these years.
I had to get that out of my
system. [ Sighs ] I'm
getting the losers off
stage. Reset to cue 72.
We're not losers.
We're Kate and Chloe. Kate me, Chloe her.
Kate and Chloe.
Do you need help with the cleanup?
I could...
no! No! Just go! Go!
Okay, we're going, we're
going, we're going.
You need to find to Andrew.
[ Birds chirping ] Life is good, huh?
Oh, it's the best.
And being a barista really isn't that bad.
I don't mind it.
And I love living in the Bronx. Me too!
? don't you worry, there,
my honey... ? it feels so
good to leave the past behind.
? But we've got our love
to pay the bills ? ? maybe...
And have nothing but the future ahead of us.
? maybe I want to do
what bunnies do with you ? ? if you
know what I mean ? oh, let's get rich
and buy our parents homes in the
South of France ? ? let's get rich
and give everybody nice sweaters and...
? aren't you glad we never sold
this real estate? This place is our future.
It's our pie in the sky.
? ...on a Mountain, making
everybody look like ants
from way up there ? I think when the
time comes, we're really gonna love it
here. Together "forevs."
? oh, let's get rich
and buy our parents homes in the
South of France ? ? let's get rich
and give everybody nice sweaters
and teach them how to dance ?
I got to pee. Me too.
Where?
? ...making everybody look
like ants from way up there ?
? I love it
? I love it
? I got this feeling
on a summer day
when you were gone ?
? I crashed my car
into the bridge ?
? I watched
? I let it burn
? I threw your shit into a bag
and pushed it down the stairs ?
? I crashed my car
into the bridge ?
? I don't care
? I love it
? I don't care
? I love it
? I love it
? I don't care
? I love it
? I don't care
? you're on a different road
? I'm in the milky way
? you want me down on earth,
but I am up in space ?
? you're so damn hard
to please ?
? we gotta kill this switch
? you're from the '70s,
but I'm a '90's bitch ?
? I love it
? I love it
? I got this feeling
on a summer day
when you were gone ?
? I crashed my car
into the bridge ?
? I watched
? I let it burn
? I threw your shit into a bag
and pushed it down the stairs ?
? I crashed my car
into the bridge ?
? I don't care
? I love it
? I don't care
? I love it
? I love it
? you're on a different road
? I'm in the milky way
? you want me down on earth,
but I am up in space ?
? you're so damn hard
to please ?
? we gotta kill this switch
? you're from the '70s,
but I'm a '90's bitch ?
? I don't care
? I love it
? I don't care
? I love it
? I love it
? I don't care
? I love it
? sitting up tonight
? thinking about the way
she smiled at me ?
? I can't believe
she noticed me ?
? I got to have that girl
? she makes me want to say
the things
I know she'd never say to me ?
? she's the one
everybody wants ?
? will I be the lucky one?
? Could I be the only one?
? And she's the girl
that's once,
once in a lifetime ?
? and I found her
? now will she be mine?
? Will she be mine?
? Let the beat control you
? let the beat control you
? let the beat control you
? let the beat control you
? all these people
talkin' 'bout you now ?
? they don't make no difference,
no ?
? we always have
the rhythm here,
in our blood
and in our souls ?
? so, let the beat
control you now ?
? there's nothing here
to care about ?
? just you and me
? let's break it down
? so, follow me
? I'll show you how
? all these people
talkin' 'bout you now ?
? they don't make no difference,
no ?
? we always have
the rhythm here,
in our blood
and in our souls ?
? so, let the beat
control you now ?
? there's nothing here
to care about ?
? just you and me
? let's break it down
? so, follow me
? I'll show you how
? the beat! The beat!
? The beat! The beat!
? The beat! The beat!
? The beat! The beat!
? Let the beat
control your body ?
? you and me
? there's no one watching
? come on,
we can rock this party
all night long, believe me ?
? let the beat
control your body ?
? you and me
? there's no one watching
? come on,
we can rock this party
all night long, believe me ?
? there is nothing
stopping you ?
? there is nothing stopping me
? so, let the beat
control your body, baby ?
? there is nothing
stopping you ?
? there is nothing stopping me
? so, let the beat
control your body, baby ?
? all these people
talkin' 'bout you now ?
? they don't make no difference,
no ?
? we always have
the rhythm here,
in our blood
and in our souls ?
? so, let the beat
control you now ?
? there's nothing here
to care about ?
? just you and me
? let's break it down
? so, follow me
? I'll show you how
? all the people
gather 'round now ?
? the beat! The beat!
? All the people
break it down now ?
? the beat! The beat!
? There is nothing
stopping you ?
? there is nothing stopping me
? so, let the beat
control your body, baby ?
? there is nothing
stopping you ?
? there is nothing stopping me
? so, let the beat
control your body, baby ?
? all the people,
gather 'round now ?
? so, let the beat
control your body, baby ?
? the beat! The beat!
? The beat! The beat!