Attack of the 50 Foot CamGirl (2022) Movie Script
- I bet you're wondering
how this all got started.
Well, it began about three days ago up at the house.
- Hey, all you Woodys out there.
Wanna join me?
My new Beverly Wood shower seltzer will have you
in here with me.
The refreshing bubbles are
like my hands are wrapping around your hot bod.
So swipe up to see more and to buy it.
It's cruelty free and you'll be in here with me.
Tips appreciated on my SuperFans.
- And cut!
Damn it.
I told you not to get water on the lens.
- Sorry, I thought it would be good for the Woodys.
- No, you just might have ruined a $2,000 camera.
- I think the suds on the product may cover the label
and distract from the brand.
- I didn't ask.
- Beverly, you need to learn to take direction.
- I like to improvise a little.
The fans love it.
It makes it more real for them.
More real means more money
and who doesn't want more of that?
- Oh, I certainly do.
- How did the scene turn out?
- It was super hot.
Steamy, in fact.
I mean, if it turns out okay.
- If it didn't, I can do it again and again and again.
I like to do it again.
- I'm gonna go check this
and if by some miracle it turns out,
it'll go live in a few, all right?
Told you to sell it, yeah.
Thank you, darling.
- Just the way you like it.
Very over, very easy.
- Fuschia, I'm empty.
- Indeed you are, Beverly.
- Hitting those a little hard today, aren't we?
What is that, number five before noon?
- Who's counting anyways?
Besides, I hit like a girl.
Hard.
Fuschia, read off the boring stuff, won't you?
- From yesterday alone,
Beverly Wood branding received 3.2 million individual views
across all brands.
2.6 million clickthroughs,
34,000 conversions,
and SuperFans contributed with 12,000 new monthly subs.
Bringing that total to 1.8 million.
- That's wrong.
Calculate it again.
- But the numbers are correct and reverified.
There was a loss of 7,000 subs.
- Why?
- Well, because you-
- It's because those squids can't handle their money.
Expired credit cards,
missed payments.
They live in their mom's basement
cuz they spend all
their money on you.
The hottest girl on the internet.
They think that you're talking to them,
that you're with them.
Who the hell do they think is holding the camera?
Casper the horny ghost?
- It's you, babe.
It's all you.
My brilliant dashing husband.
- God bless those sweaty losers.
And that's why you need
to let me handle the business side of things, all right?
You do you.
When it comes to money,
you gotta listen to me.
I know what I'm doing here.
- You always have my best interest at heart, don't you?
- Of course, doll.
And that's why nobody must ever know that we are married.
- I hate this part.
I wanna show you off to the world.
- No, it'll shatter their fantasy.
They'll cancel their subs in seconds.
Unless they're into the cuck thing,
but I can't do one of those, you know my policy.
- But other girls have their boyfriends and their husbands
in their profiles.
- But those girls aren't you.
Don't compare yourself to some cam gob.
I got this, all right?
Our future is so bright,
we're gonna have to wear very expensive shades.
- Oh, how about this?
- Oh, those are cute.
I'm gonna feature them on my snap later
when I'm pretending to do stuff.
- Oh, how about this?
- This is ugly.
No one has enough money for me to wear that.
Burn it.
Top me off.
- Any gold in these boxes?
- I need something wow.
- I was thinking last night
and I had a very interesting idea
about diversifying the profile.
- More brands?
- Yes, more everything.
But just hear me out, okay?
Maybe not the brands,
but the content.
Now these type of posts would do much better
for our lesser ambassadors.
- Then why would I want-
- I'm envisioning a campaign,
just a few posts at first.
One shoot and then we spread the content over several days.
Then we drop the video.
- We do that already.
- Yes, we do that already,
but not with another girl.
- I don't like it.
- But the fans will love it.
- I'm a solo artist.
- It's a collaboration.
- With who?
Nobody has my numbers.
- But nobody has the numbers when they're a noob,
you know that, unless they're banging a rapper.
- I never had to clap my butt for likes.
Not at the start, anyways.
I am a self-made visionary.
- Yes, but some new blood would really in inject some life
into the brand, you know?
Look, I've run the numbers.
We need to go big on this.
Look.
Look at those digits.
It's what the fans want.
- You already have someone in mind, don't you?
Spit it out.
- It's Fuschia.
- Her?
She's my assistant.
- She's our assistant.
- I can't, I can't believe this.
Have you even seen her naked fleshy parts?
- Yeah.
No, no, of course not.
- I think it's a great idea.
I mean, I think it's such a great idea
that I wish I had thought of it.
- Look, love, we did some test shots.
- You are incredibly average.
- No, she's perfect.
I mean, she would be the perfect collaboration with you.
Normal, everyday,
mundane Jane next door
next to a statuesque goddess like yourself.
- Well, philanthropy is the backbone
of what I wanna achieve here.
I like it.
- Ah, great decision, honey buns.
- But she needs to keep those glasses on.
Hot girls never have poor eyes.
The movies taught me that.
- Okay.
- So what's the status
of Beverly Wood's Unholy Meat-rimony?
- Ah, yes, I just got a text from the lab.
Samples should be ready this week.
- This week?
No, tomorrow.
- Yes, but honey, there are safety concerns.
The FDA has to approve it.
- FDA?
Fuck Dat Anyways.
Tomorrow.
Fuschia, come hither!
I'm empty.
What do I pay you for anyways?
Any of you Woodys wanna fill me up?
- Why don't you go to bed?
- I can't, I'm too busy.
Where's Fuschia anyways?
- She left hours ago.
She doesn't live here.
- Why are you dressed like that?
- Because I'm going out.
Potential client, remember?
- But I'm totally faded and it's horny o'clock.
- I really wish I could but this client is really important.
- Stay in with me tonight, I wanna get unfiltered with you.
- I really can't.
- There is enough cosmo in me
to let you do that thing you like.
- That thing?
- Oh yeah, that thing.
- Gotta go.
You need help getting in bed?
- Forget the meeting.
Stay in, cuddle with me.
- Don't wait up.
- Yes, big round of applause for the lovely, talented,
the incomparable Janelle.
How you doing, bud?
What gets your motor running?
- One old fashioned and a cosmo.
No, make that a peachy keen.
- Two cold beers coming up.
I'll send Sadie over with some ice cold mugs for you.
- Thanks.
- Thank you, buddy.
- Oh!
Thought you'd never get here.
- I'm right on time.
Why are you so nervous?
To us.
- It's just frustrating.
I've been waiting.
- Ah, your debut?
- I can just taste it.
- Everything is going to plan.
We can't rush these things.
- I want it so bad.
- And you're gonna have it so good.
Just do as I say,
when I say it, okay?
- I suppose you're right.
You know best.
- Of course.
Fuschia, you have the hottest body I've ever seen.
- And my personality.
- Yeah, and your personality.
Trust me.
Once I set up this first shoot, I'm gonna...
We are gonna make a fortune off of your assets.
- But what about Beverly?
She's a titan in this industry.
She is this industry.
- Beverly's the past.
You're the future, Fuschia.
I got this.
- But how?
- Trust me.
I got enough dirt on that washed up drunk
to cancel her immediately.
- Are you sure?
- Oh yeah.
All of her fans and all of her brands will turn their backs
on her in one post.
The only thing people love more than lifting stars
to the heaven,
smashing them to hell.
- Oh, I can't wait!
- Give them a rise and they'll rise you up.
- What about the money?
- I told you, I'm her husband, remember?
I already have half her wealth.
One more drunken signature and I'll have the rest.
- I can see it now.
The look on her face when I kick her out of my mansion.
- Catty, I like it.
- After I spit in her face for messing up my mojo.
- Wow.
- Then I'll kick her in the Botox
and make her eat sewage soup.
- I don't think I've ever been more turned on
than right now.
- Here you go.
Get a room.
- Get up.
Get up.
- What?
- What, what is that?
Is that lipstick?
- Lipstick?
No.
No, you kissed me on the cheek last night.
You were so drunk, remember?
- That's like the second time this week.
You should use my Beverly Wood lip debalm.
- I'm not one of your Woodys.
You don't have to upsell me.
- Numbers are down.
When's the new brand demo coming?
- This morning.
- It is morning.
- It's00 a.m.
- Morning starts when I wake up.
Get them here now.
- Oh baby, yes.
- What are you going on about now?
- Oh man, it's astounding.
- Like a new insect species found in the Sumatra?
- Better.
So much better.
- Like new photos from the Mars Rover,
confirming my suspicion
of an aquatic ecosystem breeding mammals?
- Mams, big beautiful mams.
- Let me see.
But this is...
Oh, now I see.
- Right?
- Stellar.
- Interstellar.
- Will you two troglodytes button it up?
This is a serious presentation
we're about ready to make to a serious client.
She's not all that anyway.
It's all digital trickery.
Real women don't need filters.
We are magic.
- I'd like to test her hypothesis in the lab.
- I'm pondering the experience as we speak.
- How would we test that theory?
- Photo shoot.
- Precisely.
You would make an excellent control subject.
The scientific community would owe you
a great, enormous gratitude to the world.
- Zip it, you two,
or I will dissect you both right where you stand.
- Ah, scientists.
- Our benefactor.
- Salutations.
- Yeah, well, a good morning all depends
on the mood of Beverly
and her mood depends on if this is ready or not.
So let's hope it's ready.
- Well, there's still some tests that need to be done.
- Yeah, my advice is to not bring that up.
- It's imperative to know the risks.
- Yeah, it's imperative that it looks good.
Facts are coincidental.
Everything is about appearance nowadays anyways, isn't it?
- Not in the least.
And it's not ready for consumption.
- That's for sure.
- What my cohort, Dr. Lana meant to say was
the market for bioprotein is ravenous.
- It's the future of sustaining our world
a little bit longer.
- Morning, bitches.
- Gentlemen, lady,
Ms. Beverly Wood.
- How do you do?
- I do very well.
- I am such a huge fan.
- Of course you are.
- I have all your products.
That's why I smell so good.
- So you're a Woody?
- Oh, hell yeah.
- We have some really exciting things
for you to see today, Ms. Wood.
- Well, I hope what's under those dishes is more impressive
than your outfit.
- They're science clothes, pretty standard.
- Let's get to it.
Beverly Wood's Unholy Meat-rimony is
the most important brand of my career.
I want to feed the world.
I want kids in Africa or wherever they eat sand
to chant my name.
Thanksgiving, I will be on the table
of every man, woman,
and child on the earth.
- Thanksgiving is a construct of the United States.
- That's cuz you lack my vision.
Beverly Wood Incorporated will be like a religion.
Jesus only turned rocks into bread
and look where it got him.
I'm gonna be like the Mother Teresa of meat.
- No pressure at all.
- Well, let's see it.
- Can I get a drum roll, please?
- It looks like a fucking carrot.
- Well then, it's a rousing success.
Give yourself applause.
Bravo, comrades.
- What do you mean?
- Well, it's not a real carrot.
I mean, it looks real, but it's a Beverly Wood carrot.
Patent pending, 100% made in a laboratory.
No seed, soil, water,
photosynthesis, nothing.
- Like my faux fur jeggings?
- Maybe.
But if you let me explain the process to you,
it's really exciting.
- Don't bore me with the science-y stuff.
- She wouldn't get it anyway.
- I almost heard that.
- My bad.
What Dr. Dennis means is
nothing about this carrot is a carrot.
It's organic and it's entirely nonorganic.
It isn't genetically modified,
it is entirely genetically created.
Got that?
- Each one of these is 100 zillion percent sustainable.
- There's no such thing.
It's 100% and that's enough.
- Each one of these dishes is totally 100% sustainable
to infinity.
They're fortified with nutrition and absolutely delicious.
Well, in theory.
No animals were harmed in the production of these vegetables
because no animals were used
in the production of these vegetables.
And unlike real vegetables,
no bugs were collateral damage
as a result of harvesting the plants.
- Do you know that vegans kill more wildlife
by way of insects than the entire meat-eating population?
It's vegan genocide.
- I think I saw that in meme.
- And now, the meat de resistance.
- A hot dog?
You went with a hot dog, not a steak, not even a burger?
- No.
- It's Dennis's favorite.
- It is, I love them.
- It looks like a wiener.
It smells like a wiener.
- Does it taste like a wiener?
They're all different.
- Holy Stephen Hawking.
- Dennis, you're being totally awesome right now.
- The taste is still uncertain.
- Let me try it.
- We still must run some more tests.
- Not yet, dear.
There's still more to the presentation, right?
- Okay, buckle up for the good part.
It self-replicates.
- Voila.
- As long as there is a single crumb left,
it will self-replicate.
Nobody will ever go hungry again.
- This is truly remarkable.
We could feed the world with just one of these.
- It's my weenie!
- But why stop at just franks?
You know, we could feed the whole entire world
with anything.
- Neapolitan ice cream?
- Why would you do that?
- It's Dennis's favorite.
- And you get three in one.
- The point is there is no limit
to what we can do with this.
The future of the world's food supply chain is basically us.
- This is the future of food,
the end of world famine.
- All thanks to me, Beverly Wood, savior of the salivating.
- And assuming it's actually edible without side effects.
- Right,
so what kind of side effects are we talking about here?
- Death.
- Gastral bloating.
- Total and severe body melt.
- I've got a slogan.
Beverly Woods, Unholy Meat-rimony, in your face!
- We've been meaning to discuss that title with you.
- This will win me a Noble Prize.
- Noble Prize, right, Gary?
- Right, all the smartest people in the world
have all been mispronouncing it all these years.
- Right, so how do we get this to market?
- Well, with tests and more tests and tests.
- Could take years.
- Years are boring.
I wanna save the world now.
- Yeah, there's gotta be a way we can speed up this process.
- At the very least,
we need to test it on laboratory animals.
- Absolutely not.
I will not stand for cute little guinea pigs being treated
like guinea pigs.
Beverly Wood Incorporated is cruelty free.
Record this.
- Wait, Beverly, no.
- For the love of the Hadron Collider,
put the wiener down and back away.
- Let her.
At least we'll know.
- One small bite for visionary entrepreneur woman,
one giant leap for ambassador kind.
- Oh, that's hot.
- Gary, she could die.
- Die hotly.
- Any reactions?
- Experiencing any discomfort?
- Bloating?
- Total body melt?
- So darling, how do you really feel?
These are the first steps to world domination,
so I need you to be honest.
- I feel great.
Woohoo!
Whoa.
- Body melt.
- Definitely gastral implosion.
- I just need to sleep this off.
- Right, but I just need you to sign these papers first.
- What is it?
- Just a new contract I've been working on.
- Whatevs.
Will you stay by my side?
- Yeah, sure, sure.
- Call Fuschia.
Have her repost that foot smoosh video
from last month, okay?
- Oh, is it all right
if we do the bubble
pop butt video instead?
- Whatever, we can't miss a post.
- Okay.
Great presentation, gang.
You know where the door is.
- Thank you, sir.
- Wonderful.
Except for the pending puddle of goo
that was once my fappiness.
- TMI, Gary.
- Sorry.
We really screwed up this one.
- Nonsense.
Just need a few minor tweaks.
- We really screwed the pooch on this.
- Kind of.
It's her own darn fault.
I mean, we told her the beautiful,
delicious looking food
that we made to save the world wasn't edible.
- Why don't you two go home, get some rest?
I am going to stay here and observe Ms. Wood.
- I'd like to observe more of Ms. Wood.
- You don't even like her.
I mean, two beautiful female specimens in the same room?
It's just gonna be just a vicious attack.
- True, we are hot and I don't much care for her,
really at all,
but I don't want her to die.
- I don't want her to die.
I mean, I'm not doing anything, I can stay.
I mean, I'd like to stay. Can I, can I stay?
Let me stay.
- Beat it.
- If you say so.
- You know what I mean.
She'll be okay.
Trust me.
- You think if anything bad were to happen,
it would've happened already?
- Most certainly.
It's a tummy ache.
Inhaling an entire undigested hot dog
and a cosmopolitan isn't the most nutritious of lunches.
She'll be fine.
- Damn it.
- You go do your thing.
I've got this from here.
- I'm sorry, what?
Oh, do you mind?
- Scoot, go get some rest.
Doctor's orders.
- Ah, thanks.
- Nice guy you got there, Ms. Wood.
- Oh!
Tell me all about it,
don't leave anything out.
- Well-
- Did she die?
Was she convulsing and croaking?
- Actually-
- Oh, oh!
Was she black and blue when she kicked the bucket?
- Actually no,
because she didn't die.
- Oh.
- But she did the next best thing.
Got her to sign these.
- She signed over her entire company to you?
All the assets?
- Yep.
- Oh, awesome!
- Can't believe it.
- But she's not a ghost,
so what's that do for me?
- What do you mean?
You're the Fuschia of this business, remember?
Plans just changed a little.
I don't have to get my hands dirty.
The lab food will do the job for me.
- How's that?
Didn't even kill her.
- Yeah, but it's not been tested, remember?
Who knows what kind of arsenic is in there.
Did I say arsenic?
I meant additive.
- Oh, you are sly.
- And besides, this little piece of paper is all I need.
I already own the company.
Getting rid of her will be like wiping my shoes.
- Easy peasy.
- Hey, why don't you stay with the mansion tonight?
- No, that would be too suspicious.
- No, it'll look like you're a concerned assistant.
- Oh.
Role playing.
I'm down.
- Where's Bradley?
- I sent him out to de-stress.
His phone kept blowing up.
- Where'd he go?
- He didn't say.
- I put a tracker on his phone the other night.
Interesting.
We've never been to that seedy side of town before, ew.
- I'm sure he just wanted to take the edge off.
- Fuschia lives near there.
I'm sure he was trying to edge something.
- How does your tummy feel?
- I feel great, honestly.
I feel full of energy,
like I'm bursting at the seams, you know?
- That is great to hear.
So maybe we should continue the experiment.
- Oh yeah.
- Wait, wait, wait.
You stay here.
I'm gonna check on Bev,
make sure she's asleep and the doctor's gone.
- Okay.
So?
- She's in bed with the doctor.
- Oh.
She's in bed with the doctor.
Gives me an idea.
Oh.
- I knew it, how could you?
- Babe, babe.
How are you this morning?
- Fuschia here was so concerned
about your wellbeing last night,
I told her she could sleep on the couch.
She was inconsolable.
- I was, I was, I could barely contain myself.
- Okay, but why were you on the couch?
- You were in bed with Dr. Lana, remember?
- That was necessary therapy.
I got my eye on you.
- Oh yeah?
- Look, ladies, while we have the blood pumping,
let's put it to good use, yeah?
Let's do that combined photo shoot we were talking about.
- Get real!
- Not in the mood.
- You want to talk real?
Numbers are real and they're down 42% today.
- Let's do a photo shoot.
I don't know what happened.
It must have shrunk the wash.
- Or maybe you gained some weight.
Or a lot.
Just saying.
- All right, ladies, this is the first time for all of us.
A first time for Beverly generously sharing the spotlight
and a first time ever for Fuschia.
Let's do it!
- Try to keep up.
- Try not to fall and break your hip.
- All right, ladies, as we're going live with this one.
It's an event, so event!
More of that.
- Ow!
- Ow!
- Legendary!
Oh, this is historic.
Pop that top.
Holy crap, ladies.
And cut!
We got it.
Wow, you two really knocked it out today.
A bit too literally, but you know what I mean.
- It's what I do every day, dear.
- Fuschia, you really brought it.
You definitely have a future.
- Live in the now, honey.
Get me a cosmo, won't you?
You are still my assistant, right?
- Not for long.
- What was that?
- Nothing.
- Why did you get me such a small glass?
Am I on a diet or something?
- Wouldn't be a bad idea.
- You are getting a big head.
- Everything about you's been getting big lately, FYI.
- Fuschia, why don't you take the rest of the day off, huh?
You did great today.
I'll give you some notes later, okay?
- Oh.
I'd love to chew on your notes.
- I bet you would.
And you!
- Just hold that incriminating comment.
- The numbers from the shoot.
So many likes, so many comments.
- See, I told you it would pay off.
- These numbers are huge.
- Is everything okay, love?
- They're bigger than I ever imagined.
- See, just put up with Fuschia a bit longer, okay?
This is too good to pass up.
- No, it's me.
They love me.
- Yes, love, it's all you.
This is so weird.
Beverly!
Beverly!
Beverly!
Beverly!
Where are you, hun?
- I'm out here!
- Been looking all over for you.
- Don't come out, I'm working on my tan.
- You know how much on love to see your beautiful bod
in the morning.
- I'm not photo ready.
- You okay?
- I know when you're fibbing.
You wanna talk about it?
Yeah, well, whatever it is, I'm sure it's no...
Big deal!
- I know, I know, I'm...
- Huge!
- You're not supposed to point out a woman's shortcomings.
- What the hell happened?
- Wow,
you're really big.
- What are you doing?
- Babe, I need to record this.
The numbers, they'll be mammoth.
We need to share this with the Woodys!
- They'll turn on me.
- No, babe.
You're certified viral.
See?
- Let me see.
I can't read it, it's too small.
- Trust me, you're huge.
- Here we go again, kicking a person when they're giant.
- What I meant was the numbers are larger
than they've ever been before.
They want more.
And big baby, we're gonna give them more.
I'm calling Fuschia.
- Fuschia?
- This video is gonna make me a fortune.
- You mean us a fortune, right?
- Fuschia, come check this out.
What do you think?
- I think it looks like a freak show is
what I think it looks like.
What next?
You gonna slap a beard on her?
Make me shoot with fat boy?
- Hey, this is a great opportunity for you, okay?
- Uh-uh, I've seen the comments.
I'm the star.
From now on, it's solo.
Just me or I go out by myself.
- Bradley, get her out of here
before I squash her like the bug she is.
- What was that all about?
I told you to dance to my tune.
- You meet me at the bar tonight.
We have to go over my new terms.
- Crap.
- See these numbers?
Read these comments?
It's all me.
The public wants more of me
and I'm going to give it to them.
- Impressive.
But don't get ahead of yourself, all right?
My plan is-
- Uh!
I thought I was your plan.
- You are, but we have to look at this rationally here.
- I'm a social media hungry millennial
and you want me to be rational?
- Okay, just hear me out, all right?
This big turn of events has just doubled our revenue
in only 24 hours.
Now, that is nothing to sneeze at.
Beverly's misfortune has turned into our fortune.
- Does that mean you want to plant a family tree inside me?
- Yeah.
Of course, baby.
- Oh!
- It's an earthquake!
Leave the jukebox!
- Oh, oh my God!
- Oh my god, she's huge!
- Beverly?
This is not what it looks like!
- Beverly, this is everything it looks like, bitch!
- Hello, tech lab?
- Science nerds, get here, now!
- Remarkable.
- Absolutely incredible.
- So hot.
- So what's happening to me?
- You have grown to an alarming size at an alarming rate.
- Duh, but do you know why?
- I'd say the self-replicating enzyme,
the one that we warned you hadn't been tested yet,
somehow mutated when you ingested it,
again, much to our protestations, mind you,
and the result is this.
- Total and complete bigness.
- Am I gonna be growing until my head hits the stars?
- There's no way of knowing, really.
- And what about my clothes?
They seem to be growing with me, thankfully.
- Well, it appears that anything that touches your skin
is also affected by the growth enzyme.
- Well, thank heavens for that.
Can you make me normal?
- It's gonna take tests.
Lots and lots of tests.
- You're literally like the biggest star on the planet.
We're normal.
Every other person living and dead are the same and boring.
Why would you wanna be like any of us, normal?
I've always dreamed of being something more
than humanly possible,
but sadly I'm forever stuck in this sexy shell.
- You're so sweet.
- And you're still the most beautiful specimen
I've ever seen.
- Tone it down, Gary.
This is a real conundrum
with a possibly catastrophic outcome.
- I'm just speaking my piece.
- What are you guys doing?
- Well, we knew you were feeling blue
about your current situation
and Gary here had this wonderful idea.
- Oh, that's so sweet.
- Almost done.
And voila!
- So what is it?
- Taste it and see.
- Our gift to you.
- Actually it was my gift.
My, my gift to you.
I thought of it, my idea.
- Oh my god, a cosmo?
And it's the best one I've ever had.
- I know I'm a scientist,
but this is awesome beyond calculation.
I used to be in lust.
Now I'm in love.
- Give it up, lover boy.
Unfortunately she's already taken.
- Guy's a douche.
- Come on.
Let's see if Dr. Lana has made any progress.
- He loves me.
He loves me not.
He loves me.
- Hi, love!
What's up?
Besides you, get it?
- Oh, it's you.
- Of course it's me.
Your loving husband.
I live here, remember?
- I saw you with that tramp last night.
- No, no, no, that was perfectly innocent.
It was just a meeting.
We were discussing business.
- Some business.
You were cheating on me!
- No, absolutely not.
We were discussing strategy for the next couple months.
- I bet.
- Look, love, while you're big,
there's plenty of money to be had.
We really gotta get on this.
- What now?
- I have a killer idea for a photo shoot
with you and Fuschia.
- Look, babe, we don't know how long this is gonna last.
You could be normal tomorrow and...
- And what?
I'm not good enough for you?
I'm not making you enough money?
- Oh my god.
Let the old has-been pout.
You know what?
You're just mad because the only place you look good is
in front of a Viking ship.
- Get her out of here now, Bradley,
and take yourself with her.
- Look, babe, just let me explain.
- Listen to you.
She's so freakishly tall,
the only person she can listen to is the man on the moon!
- You okay?
- Of course I'm okay!
You haven't seen the last of me, Bitchzilla.
- Babe, did you see what I just got?
- I really thought you loved me.
- What are you talking about? Of course I love you.
The cars, the mansion,
the clothes, all of it.
- Those are things,
Bradley, not me.
It was always about what I could do for you, never about me.
- Babe, you're delusional.
- You think I don't know about you and Fuschia?
I saw it with my own eyes.
- Let me explain.
- You're always Bradsplaining,
I just never noticed it before
because I was truly in love with you.
It was never about the business.
It was about making a perfect world for us.
- And we can still have that.
Babe, I love you.
- Then Bradsplain this.
I wasn't so drunk that I didn't know what I was signing.
I signed it because I didn't think it mattered
because we would be together forever!
- Oh boy.
- I don't know,
but I think it has something to do with this food.
- Is that your final scientific explanation of this?
- That's all I got.
- There's nothing we can do about it here.
Let's gather the specimens
and take them back down to the lab.
- Right now?
- Yes, right now.
- And miss the fireworks?
- Should we intervene?
- I hope she steps on that putz.
- Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you?
- Totally.
- I suppose we could offer some moral support.
- Or maybe prevent a crushing murder.
- Nah, screw that guy.
- I trusted you.
I loved you.
I'm out of here.
- Oh, Beverly!
- Should we follow her?
- We need something with some zoom.
- I have some zoom.
- Oh, she wants numbers?
I'll give her numbers.
Oh yeah, if you liked it big,
I'll show you big, baby.
Way big.
Big!
Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.
- She could be hundreds of miles away already.
What are you gonna say to her when we catch up to her?
- I haven't really thought about it,
but I've always been able to talk my way
out of any situation.
- That's the problem.
You converse out of your ass and not your heart.
- Really messed up, Brad.
A woman needs to feel appreciated,
not like a piece of meat.
- And it was your meat that caused this whole thing.
- As if you know how to talk to a woman.
- I talk to my mother quite frequently
and she enjoys my company,
thank you very much.
- He is right, you know.
- How do we even know we're going the correct way?
- Look, there!
She's close.
- Yeah, I can smell her perfume.
Beverly Woods Juice D'Amor.
- Love juice?
She needs a marketing firm
to come up with some better names.
- Hey.
- I think it rolls off the tongue.
- Ew.
- Feel so stupid!
- Let me handle this.
Babe!
- Stay away.
I'm warning you.
- He's handling it well so far.
- She has to work on her aim.
- He's gonna need our help.
- Let me just talk to you.
- I realized something.
You're always talking to me, not with me.
- Let's be honest.
Sometimes you tend to, whoa!
Yep, you're right,
I'm a Bradsplainer.
- Go away, or the next one won't be a warning rock!
- We can work this out.
- What's the point?
I signed everything I worked for away
to a miserable cheater.
- Yeah, you sure did.
- And where's your little hoochie anyway?
She didn't wanna come and rub it all in?
- Babe, Fuschia's not even in the picture.
She's nothing to me.
Just another girl.
- I'm not just any girl.
I'm Fuschia, the future.
- Holy shit, where'd she come from?
- This is not good.
- You're right.
This is great.
- Fuschia, I was just talking about you, sweetie.
- Save it.
- Shouldn't we be doing something?
- Yeah, somebody should be recording this.
- Bradley's got you covered.
- Yes, Woodys, the moment you've all been waiting for!
A total cacophony of cat fight calamity.
Donate now and donate big!
Hey, ladies.
Hey, ladies.
- Is he serious?
- I told you he was a worm.
- Wave at the camera!
- You really are a scumbag, aren't you?
You don't care about us girls.
Everything's for you,
nothing's for us.
- Let's put it this way.
- Go on.
- I'm outta here.
- Where do you think you're going?
- No, not the car.
- You like this?
Then go get it.
- That was limited edition!
- Oh, key word, was.
- Look, ladies, there has to be a way we can resolve this.
Let's just sit down,
have a few cocktails,
and then maybe, I don't know, we can, you know?
- Oh, I know.
- Good old Bradley knows how to make things right.
Sexy time cure-all.
- Is he serious?
- Unfortunately he is.
Why wait?
- Y'all might wanna start walking home.
This'll be a while.
Whoever said more than a handful is a waste was a moron.
- I know what you wanted but never got.
What every man wants.
- What's that?
- You tried so many times and I turned you down,
but now, now I'm ready for it.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.
- No, no, no.
- What's your fantasy, Bradley?
- Two girls!
- Oh no!
- Death by motorboat.
- The ultimate way to go.
- Wait, you're not going to...
- No.
Oh.
- Oh no.
- I am so glad we became friends actually.
- Me too.
- I was horrible to you, I'll admit,
but it's cuz I was kind of jealous.
- Samezies.
You're just so perfect.
Made me feel insecure.
I just wanted what you had.
- Us women, we need to stick together,
not tear each other down.
- I'll drink to that.
- Cheers.
- I can't believe he ate that entire carrot.
- Large and in charge.
- Well, I guess sometimes we all need that special someone.
how this all got started.
Well, it began about three days ago up at the house.
- Hey, all you Woodys out there.
Wanna join me?
My new Beverly Wood shower seltzer will have you
in here with me.
The refreshing bubbles are
like my hands are wrapping around your hot bod.
So swipe up to see more and to buy it.
It's cruelty free and you'll be in here with me.
Tips appreciated on my SuperFans.
- And cut!
Damn it.
I told you not to get water on the lens.
- Sorry, I thought it would be good for the Woodys.
- No, you just might have ruined a $2,000 camera.
- I think the suds on the product may cover the label
and distract from the brand.
- I didn't ask.
- Beverly, you need to learn to take direction.
- I like to improvise a little.
The fans love it.
It makes it more real for them.
More real means more money
and who doesn't want more of that?
- Oh, I certainly do.
- How did the scene turn out?
- It was super hot.
Steamy, in fact.
I mean, if it turns out okay.
- If it didn't, I can do it again and again and again.
I like to do it again.
- I'm gonna go check this
and if by some miracle it turns out,
it'll go live in a few, all right?
Told you to sell it, yeah.
Thank you, darling.
- Just the way you like it.
Very over, very easy.
- Fuschia, I'm empty.
- Indeed you are, Beverly.
- Hitting those a little hard today, aren't we?
What is that, number five before noon?
- Who's counting anyways?
Besides, I hit like a girl.
Hard.
Fuschia, read off the boring stuff, won't you?
- From yesterday alone,
Beverly Wood branding received 3.2 million individual views
across all brands.
2.6 million clickthroughs,
34,000 conversions,
and SuperFans contributed with 12,000 new monthly subs.
Bringing that total to 1.8 million.
- That's wrong.
Calculate it again.
- But the numbers are correct and reverified.
There was a loss of 7,000 subs.
- Why?
- Well, because you-
- It's because those squids can't handle their money.
Expired credit cards,
missed payments.
They live in their mom's basement
cuz they spend all
their money on you.
The hottest girl on the internet.
They think that you're talking to them,
that you're with them.
Who the hell do they think is holding the camera?
Casper the horny ghost?
- It's you, babe.
It's all you.
My brilliant dashing husband.
- God bless those sweaty losers.
And that's why you need
to let me handle the business side of things, all right?
You do you.
When it comes to money,
you gotta listen to me.
I know what I'm doing here.
- You always have my best interest at heart, don't you?
- Of course, doll.
And that's why nobody must ever know that we are married.
- I hate this part.
I wanna show you off to the world.
- No, it'll shatter their fantasy.
They'll cancel their subs in seconds.
Unless they're into the cuck thing,
but I can't do one of those, you know my policy.
- But other girls have their boyfriends and their husbands
in their profiles.
- But those girls aren't you.
Don't compare yourself to some cam gob.
I got this, all right?
Our future is so bright,
we're gonna have to wear very expensive shades.
- Oh, how about this?
- Oh, those are cute.
I'm gonna feature them on my snap later
when I'm pretending to do stuff.
- Oh, how about this?
- This is ugly.
No one has enough money for me to wear that.
Burn it.
Top me off.
- Any gold in these boxes?
- I need something wow.
- I was thinking last night
and I had a very interesting idea
about diversifying the profile.
- More brands?
- Yes, more everything.
But just hear me out, okay?
Maybe not the brands,
but the content.
Now these type of posts would do much better
for our lesser ambassadors.
- Then why would I want-
- I'm envisioning a campaign,
just a few posts at first.
One shoot and then we spread the content over several days.
Then we drop the video.
- We do that already.
- Yes, we do that already,
but not with another girl.
- I don't like it.
- But the fans will love it.
- I'm a solo artist.
- It's a collaboration.
- With who?
Nobody has my numbers.
- But nobody has the numbers when they're a noob,
you know that, unless they're banging a rapper.
- I never had to clap my butt for likes.
Not at the start, anyways.
I am a self-made visionary.
- Yes, but some new blood would really in inject some life
into the brand, you know?
Look, I've run the numbers.
We need to go big on this.
Look.
Look at those digits.
It's what the fans want.
- You already have someone in mind, don't you?
Spit it out.
- It's Fuschia.
- Her?
She's my assistant.
- She's our assistant.
- I can't, I can't believe this.
Have you even seen her naked fleshy parts?
- Yeah.
No, no, of course not.
- I think it's a great idea.
I mean, I think it's such a great idea
that I wish I had thought of it.
- Look, love, we did some test shots.
- You are incredibly average.
- No, she's perfect.
I mean, she would be the perfect collaboration with you.
Normal, everyday,
mundane Jane next door
next to a statuesque goddess like yourself.
- Well, philanthropy is the backbone
of what I wanna achieve here.
I like it.
- Ah, great decision, honey buns.
- But she needs to keep those glasses on.
Hot girls never have poor eyes.
The movies taught me that.
- Okay.
- So what's the status
of Beverly Wood's Unholy Meat-rimony?
- Ah, yes, I just got a text from the lab.
Samples should be ready this week.
- This week?
No, tomorrow.
- Yes, but honey, there are safety concerns.
The FDA has to approve it.
- FDA?
Fuck Dat Anyways.
Tomorrow.
Fuschia, come hither!
I'm empty.
What do I pay you for anyways?
Any of you Woodys wanna fill me up?
- Why don't you go to bed?
- I can't, I'm too busy.
Where's Fuschia anyways?
- She left hours ago.
She doesn't live here.
- Why are you dressed like that?
- Because I'm going out.
Potential client, remember?
- But I'm totally faded and it's horny o'clock.
- I really wish I could but this client is really important.
- Stay in with me tonight, I wanna get unfiltered with you.
- I really can't.
- There is enough cosmo in me
to let you do that thing you like.
- That thing?
- Oh yeah, that thing.
- Gotta go.
You need help getting in bed?
- Forget the meeting.
Stay in, cuddle with me.
- Don't wait up.
- Yes, big round of applause for the lovely, talented,
the incomparable Janelle.
How you doing, bud?
What gets your motor running?
- One old fashioned and a cosmo.
No, make that a peachy keen.
- Two cold beers coming up.
I'll send Sadie over with some ice cold mugs for you.
- Thanks.
- Thank you, buddy.
- Oh!
Thought you'd never get here.
- I'm right on time.
Why are you so nervous?
To us.
- It's just frustrating.
I've been waiting.
- Ah, your debut?
- I can just taste it.
- Everything is going to plan.
We can't rush these things.
- I want it so bad.
- And you're gonna have it so good.
Just do as I say,
when I say it, okay?
- I suppose you're right.
You know best.
- Of course.
Fuschia, you have the hottest body I've ever seen.
- And my personality.
- Yeah, and your personality.
Trust me.
Once I set up this first shoot, I'm gonna...
We are gonna make a fortune off of your assets.
- But what about Beverly?
She's a titan in this industry.
She is this industry.
- Beverly's the past.
You're the future, Fuschia.
I got this.
- But how?
- Trust me.
I got enough dirt on that washed up drunk
to cancel her immediately.
- Are you sure?
- Oh yeah.
All of her fans and all of her brands will turn their backs
on her in one post.
The only thing people love more than lifting stars
to the heaven,
smashing them to hell.
- Oh, I can't wait!
- Give them a rise and they'll rise you up.
- What about the money?
- I told you, I'm her husband, remember?
I already have half her wealth.
One more drunken signature and I'll have the rest.
- I can see it now.
The look on her face when I kick her out of my mansion.
- Catty, I like it.
- After I spit in her face for messing up my mojo.
- Wow.
- Then I'll kick her in the Botox
and make her eat sewage soup.
- I don't think I've ever been more turned on
than right now.
- Here you go.
Get a room.
- Get up.
Get up.
- What?
- What, what is that?
Is that lipstick?
- Lipstick?
No.
No, you kissed me on the cheek last night.
You were so drunk, remember?
- That's like the second time this week.
You should use my Beverly Wood lip debalm.
- I'm not one of your Woodys.
You don't have to upsell me.
- Numbers are down.
When's the new brand demo coming?
- This morning.
- It is morning.
- It's00 a.m.
- Morning starts when I wake up.
Get them here now.
- Oh baby, yes.
- What are you going on about now?
- Oh man, it's astounding.
- Like a new insect species found in the Sumatra?
- Better.
So much better.
- Like new photos from the Mars Rover,
confirming my suspicion
of an aquatic ecosystem breeding mammals?
- Mams, big beautiful mams.
- Let me see.
But this is...
Oh, now I see.
- Right?
- Stellar.
- Interstellar.
- Will you two troglodytes button it up?
This is a serious presentation
we're about ready to make to a serious client.
She's not all that anyway.
It's all digital trickery.
Real women don't need filters.
We are magic.
- I'd like to test her hypothesis in the lab.
- I'm pondering the experience as we speak.
- How would we test that theory?
- Photo shoot.
- Precisely.
You would make an excellent control subject.
The scientific community would owe you
a great, enormous gratitude to the world.
- Zip it, you two,
or I will dissect you both right where you stand.
- Ah, scientists.
- Our benefactor.
- Salutations.
- Yeah, well, a good morning all depends
on the mood of Beverly
and her mood depends on if this is ready or not.
So let's hope it's ready.
- Well, there's still some tests that need to be done.
- Yeah, my advice is to not bring that up.
- It's imperative to know the risks.
- Yeah, it's imperative that it looks good.
Facts are coincidental.
Everything is about appearance nowadays anyways, isn't it?
- Not in the least.
And it's not ready for consumption.
- That's for sure.
- What my cohort, Dr. Lana meant to say was
the market for bioprotein is ravenous.
- It's the future of sustaining our world
a little bit longer.
- Morning, bitches.
- Gentlemen, lady,
Ms. Beverly Wood.
- How do you do?
- I do very well.
- I am such a huge fan.
- Of course you are.
- I have all your products.
That's why I smell so good.
- So you're a Woody?
- Oh, hell yeah.
- We have some really exciting things
for you to see today, Ms. Wood.
- Well, I hope what's under those dishes is more impressive
than your outfit.
- They're science clothes, pretty standard.
- Let's get to it.
Beverly Wood's Unholy Meat-rimony is
the most important brand of my career.
I want to feed the world.
I want kids in Africa or wherever they eat sand
to chant my name.
Thanksgiving, I will be on the table
of every man, woman,
and child on the earth.
- Thanksgiving is a construct of the United States.
- That's cuz you lack my vision.
Beverly Wood Incorporated will be like a religion.
Jesus only turned rocks into bread
and look where it got him.
I'm gonna be like the Mother Teresa of meat.
- No pressure at all.
- Well, let's see it.
- Can I get a drum roll, please?
- It looks like a fucking carrot.
- Well then, it's a rousing success.
Give yourself applause.
Bravo, comrades.
- What do you mean?
- Well, it's not a real carrot.
I mean, it looks real, but it's a Beverly Wood carrot.
Patent pending, 100% made in a laboratory.
No seed, soil, water,
photosynthesis, nothing.
- Like my faux fur jeggings?
- Maybe.
But if you let me explain the process to you,
it's really exciting.
- Don't bore me with the science-y stuff.
- She wouldn't get it anyway.
- I almost heard that.
- My bad.
What Dr. Dennis means is
nothing about this carrot is a carrot.
It's organic and it's entirely nonorganic.
It isn't genetically modified,
it is entirely genetically created.
Got that?
- Each one of these is 100 zillion percent sustainable.
- There's no such thing.
It's 100% and that's enough.
- Each one of these dishes is totally 100% sustainable
to infinity.
They're fortified with nutrition and absolutely delicious.
Well, in theory.
No animals were harmed in the production of these vegetables
because no animals were used
in the production of these vegetables.
And unlike real vegetables,
no bugs were collateral damage
as a result of harvesting the plants.
- Do you know that vegans kill more wildlife
by way of insects than the entire meat-eating population?
It's vegan genocide.
- I think I saw that in meme.
- And now, the meat de resistance.
- A hot dog?
You went with a hot dog, not a steak, not even a burger?
- No.
- It's Dennis's favorite.
- It is, I love them.
- It looks like a wiener.
It smells like a wiener.
- Does it taste like a wiener?
They're all different.
- Holy Stephen Hawking.
- Dennis, you're being totally awesome right now.
- The taste is still uncertain.
- Let me try it.
- We still must run some more tests.
- Not yet, dear.
There's still more to the presentation, right?
- Okay, buckle up for the good part.
It self-replicates.
- Voila.
- As long as there is a single crumb left,
it will self-replicate.
Nobody will ever go hungry again.
- This is truly remarkable.
We could feed the world with just one of these.
- It's my weenie!
- But why stop at just franks?
You know, we could feed the whole entire world
with anything.
- Neapolitan ice cream?
- Why would you do that?
- It's Dennis's favorite.
- And you get three in one.
- The point is there is no limit
to what we can do with this.
The future of the world's food supply chain is basically us.
- This is the future of food,
the end of world famine.
- All thanks to me, Beverly Wood, savior of the salivating.
- And assuming it's actually edible without side effects.
- Right,
so what kind of side effects are we talking about here?
- Death.
- Gastral bloating.
- Total and severe body melt.
- I've got a slogan.
Beverly Woods, Unholy Meat-rimony, in your face!
- We've been meaning to discuss that title with you.
- This will win me a Noble Prize.
- Noble Prize, right, Gary?
- Right, all the smartest people in the world
have all been mispronouncing it all these years.
- Right, so how do we get this to market?
- Well, with tests and more tests and tests.
- Could take years.
- Years are boring.
I wanna save the world now.
- Yeah, there's gotta be a way we can speed up this process.
- At the very least,
we need to test it on laboratory animals.
- Absolutely not.
I will not stand for cute little guinea pigs being treated
like guinea pigs.
Beverly Wood Incorporated is cruelty free.
Record this.
- Wait, Beverly, no.
- For the love of the Hadron Collider,
put the wiener down and back away.
- Let her.
At least we'll know.
- One small bite for visionary entrepreneur woman,
one giant leap for ambassador kind.
- Oh, that's hot.
- Gary, she could die.
- Die hotly.
- Any reactions?
- Experiencing any discomfort?
- Bloating?
- Total body melt?
- So darling, how do you really feel?
These are the first steps to world domination,
so I need you to be honest.
- I feel great.
Woohoo!
Whoa.
- Body melt.
- Definitely gastral implosion.
- I just need to sleep this off.
- Right, but I just need you to sign these papers first.
- What is it?
- Just a new contract I've been working on.
- Whatevs.
Will you stay by my side?
- Yeah, sure, sure.
- Call Fuschia.
Have her repost that foot smoosh video
from last month, okay?
- Oh, is it all right
if we do the bubble
pop butt video instead?
- Whatever, we can't miss a post.
- Okay.
Great presentation, gang.
You know where the door is.
- Thank you, sir.
- Wonderful.
Except for the pending puddle of goo
that was once my fappiness.
- TMI, Gary.
- Sorry.
We really screwed up this one.
- Nonsense.
Just need a few minor tweaks.
- We really screwed the pooch on this.
- Kind of.
It's her own darn fault.
I mean, we told her the beautiful,
delicious looking food
that we made to save the world wasn't edible.
- Why don't you two go home, get some rest?
I am going to stay here and observe Ms. Wood.
- I'd like to observe more of Ms. Wood.
- You don't even like her.
I mean, two beautiful female specimens in the same room?
It's just gonna be just a vicious attack.
- True, we are hot and I don't much care for her,
really at all,
but I don't want her to die.
- I don't want her to die.
I mean, I'm not doing anything, I can stay.
I mean, I'd like to stay. Can I, can I stay?
Let me stay.
- Beat it.
- If you say so.
- You know what I mean.
She'll be okay.
Trust me.
- You think if anything bad were to happen,
it would've happened already?
- Most certainly.
It's a tummy ache.
Inhaling an entire undigested hot dog
and a cosmopolitan isn't the most nutritious of lunches.
She'll be fine.
- Damn it.
- You go do your thing.
I've got this from here.
- I'm sorry, what?
Oh, do you mind?
- Scoot, go get some rest.
Doctor's orders.
- Ah, thanks.
- Nice guy you got there, Ms. Wood.
- Oh!
Tell me all about it,
don't leave anything out.
- Well-
- Did she die?
Was she convulsing and croaking?
- Actually-
- Oh, oh!
Was she black and blue when she kicked the bucket?
- Actually no,
because she didn't die.
- Oh.
- But she did the next best thing.
Got her to sign these.
- She signed over her entire company to you?
All the assets?
- Yep.
- Oh, awesome!
- Can't believe it.
- But she's not a ghost,
so what's that do for me?
- What do you mean?
You're the Fuschia of this business, remember?
Plans just changed a little.
I don't have to get my hands dirty.
The lab food will do the job for me.
- How's that?
Didn't even kill her.
- Yeah, but it's not been tested, remember?
Who knows what kind of arsenic is in there.
Did I say arsenic?
I meant additive.
- Oh, you are sly.
- And besides, this little piece of paper is all I need.
I already own the company.
Getting rid of her will be like wiping my shoes.
- Easy peasy.
- Hey, why don't you stay with the mansion tonight?
- No, that would be too suspicious.
- No, it'll look like you're a concerned assistant.
- Oh.
Role playing.
I'm down.
- Where's Bradley?
- I sent him out to de-stress.
His phone kept blowing up.
- Where'd he go?
- He didn't say.
- I put a tracker on his phone the other night.
Interesting.
We've never been to that seedy side of town before, ew.
- I'm sure he just wanted to take the edge off.
- Fuschia lives near there.
I'm sure he was trying to edge something.
- How does your tummy feel?
- I feel great, honestly.
I feel full of energy,
like I'm bursting at the seams, you know?
- That is great to hear.
So maybe we should continue the experiment.
- Oh yeah.
- Wait, wait, wait.
You stay here.
I'm gonna check on Bev,
make sure she's asleep and the doctor's gone.
- Okay.
So?
- She's in bed with the doctor.
- Oh.
She's in bed with the doctor.
Gives me an idea.
Oh.
- I knew it, how could you?
- Babe, babe.
How are you this morning?
- Fuschia here was so concerned
about your wellbeing last night,
I told her she could sleep on the couch.
She was inconsolable.
- I was, I was, I could barely contain myself.
- Okay, but why were you on the couch?
- You were in bed with Dr. Lana, remember?
- That was necessary therapy.
I got my eye on you.
- Oh yeah?
- Look, ladies, while we have the blood pumping,
let's put it to good use, yeah?
Let's do that combined photo shoot we were talking about.
- Get real!
- Not in the mood.
- You want to talk real?
Numbers are real and they're down 42% today.
- Let's do a photo shoot.
I don't know what happened.
It must have shrunk the wash.
- Or maybe you gained some weight.
Or a lot.
Just saying.
- All right, ladies, this is the first time for all of us.
A first time for Beverly generously sharing the spotlight
and a first time ever for Fuschia.
Let's do it!
- Try to keep up.
- Try not to fall and break your hip.
- All right, ladies, as we're going live with this one.
It's an event, so event!
More of that.
- Ow!
- Ow!
- Legendary!
Oh, this is historic.
Pop that top.
Holy crap, ladies.
And cut!
We got it.
Wow, you two really knocked it out today.
A bit too literally, but you know what I mean.
- It's what I do every day, dear.
- Fuschia, you really brought it.
You definitely have a future.
- Live in the now, honey.
Get me a cosmo, won't you?
You are still my assistant, right?
- Not for long.
- What was that?
- Nothing.
- Why did you get me such a small glass?
Am I on a diet or something?
- Wouldn't be a bad idea.
- You are getting a big head.
- Everything about you's been getting big lately, FYI.
- Fuschia, why don't you take the rest of the day off, huh?
You did great today.
I'll give you some notes later, okay?
- Oh.
I'd love to chew on your notes.
- I bet you would.
And you!
- Just hold that incriminating comment.
- The numbers from the shoot.
So many likes, so many comments.
- See, I told you it would pay off.
- These numbers are huge.
- Is everything okay, love?
- They're bigger than I ever imagined.
- See, just put up with Fuschia a bit longer, okay?
This is too good to pass up.
- No, it's me.
They love me.
- Yes, love, it's all you.
This is so weird.
Beverly!
Beverly!
Beverly!
Beverly!
Where are you, hun?
- I'm out here!
- Been looking all over for you.
- Don't come out, I'm working on my tan.
- You know how much on love to see your beautiful bod
in the morning.
- I'm not photo ready.
- You okay?
- I know when you're fibbing.
You wanna talk about it?
Yeah, well, whatever it is, I'm sure it's no...
Big deal!
- I know, I know, I'm...
- Huge!
- You're not supposed to point out a woman's shortcomings.
- What the hell happened?
- Wow,
you're really big.
- What are you doing?
- Babe, I need to record this.
The numbers, they'll be mammoth.
We need to share this with the Woodys!
- They'll turn on me.
- No, babe.
You're certified viral.
See?
- Let me see.
I can't read it, it's too small.
- Trust me, you're huge.
- Here we go again, kicking a person when they're giant.
- What I meant was the numbers are larger
than they've ever been before.
They want more.
And big baby, we're gonna give them more.
I'm calling Fuschia.
- Fuschia?
- This video is gonna make me a fortune.
- You mean us a fortune, right?
- Fuschia, come check this out.
What do you think?
- I think it looks like a freak show is
what I think it looks like.
What next?
You gonna slap a beard on her?
Make me shoot with fat boy?
- Hey, this is a great opportunity for you, okay?
- Uh-uh, I've seen the comments.
I'm the star.
From now on, it's solo.
Just me or I go out by myself.
- Bradley, get her out of here
before I squash her like the bug she is.
- What was that all about?
I told you to dance to my tune.
- You meet me at the bar tonight.
We have to go over my new terms.
- Crap.
- See these numbers?
Read these comments?
It's all me.
The public wants more of me
and I'm going to give it to them.
- Impressive.
But don't get ahead of yourself, all right?
My plan is-
- Uh!
I thought I was your plan.
- You are, but we have to look at this rationally here.
- I'm a social media hungry millennial
and you want me to be rational?
- Okay, just hear me out, all right?
This big turn of events has just doubled our revenue
in only 24 hours.
Now, that is nothing to sneeze at.
Beverly's misfortune has turned into our fortune.
- Does that mean you want to plant a family tree inside me?
- Yeah.
Of course, baby.
- Oh!
- It's an earthquake!
Leave the jukebox!
- Oh, oh my God!
- Oh my god, she's huge!
- Beverly?
This is not what it looks like!
- Beverly, this is everything it looks like, bitch!
- Hello, tech lab?
- Science nerds, get here, now!
- Remarkable.
- Absolutely incredible.
- So hot.
- So what's happening to me?
- You have grown to an alarming size at an alarming rate.
- Duh, but do you know why?
- I'd say the self-replicating enzyme,
the one that we warned you hadn't been tested yet,
somehow mutated when you ingested it,
again, much to our protestations, mind you,
and the result is this.
- Total and complete bigness.
- Am I gonna be growing until my head hits the stars?
- There's no way of knowing, really.
- And what about my clothes?
They seem to be growing with me, thankfully.
- Well, it appears that anything that touches your skin
is also affected by the growth enzyme.
- Well, thank heavens for that.
Can you make me normal?
- It's gonna take tests.
Lots and lots of tests.
- You're literally like the biggest star on the planet.
We're normal.
Every other person living and dead are the same and boring.
Why would you wanna be like any of us, normal?
I've always dreamed of being something more
than humanly possible,
but sadly I'm forever stuck in this sexy shell.
- You're so sweet.
- And you're still the most beautiful specimen
I've ever seen.
- Tone it down, Gary.
This is a real conundrum
with a possibly catastrophic outcome.
- I'm just speaking my piece.
- What are you guys doing?
- Well, we knew you were feeling blue
about your current situation
and Gary here had this wonderful idea.
- Oh, that's so sweet.
- Almost done.
And voila!
- So what is it?
- Taste it and see.
- Our gift to you.
- Actually it was my gift.
My, my gift to you.
I thought of it, my idea.
- Oh my god, a cosmo?
And it's the best one I've ever had.
- I know I'm a scientist,
but this is awesome beyond calculation.
I used to be in lust.
Now I'm in love.
- Give it up, lover boy.
Unfortunately she's already taken.
- Guy's a douche.
- Come on.
Let's see if Dr. Lana has made any progress.
- He loves me.
He loves me not.
He loves me.
- Hi, love!
What's up?
Besides you, get it?
- Oh, it's you.
- Of course it's me.
Your loving husband.
I live here, remember?
- I saw you with that tramp last night.
- No, no, no, that was perfectly innocent.
It was just a meeting.
We were discussing business.
- Some business.
You were cheating on me!
- No, absolutely not.
We were discussing strategy for the next couple months.
- I bet.
- Look, love, while you're big,
there's plenty of money to be had.
We really gotta get on this.
- What now?
- I have a killer idea for a photo shoot
with you and Fuschia.
- Look, babe, we don't know how long this is gonna last.
You could be normal tomorrow and...
- And what?
I'm not good enough for you?
I'm not making you enough money?
- Oh my god.
Let the old has-been pout.
You know what?
You're just mad because the only place you look good is
in front of a Viking ship.
- Get her out of here now, Bradley,
and take yourself with her.
- Look, babe, just let me explain.
- Listen to you.
She's so freakishly tall,
the only person she can listen to is the man on the moon!
- You okay?
- Of course I'm okay!
You haven't seen the last of me, Bitchzilla.
- Babe, did you see what I just got?
- I really thought you loved me.
- What are you talking about? Of course I love you.
The cars, the mansion,
the clothes, all of it.
- Those are things,
Bradley, not me.
It was always about what I could do for you, never about me.
- Babe, you're delusional.
- You think I don't know about you and Fuschia?
I saw it with my own eyes.
- Let me explain.
- You're always Bradsplaining,
I just never noticed it before
because I was truly in love with you.
It was never about the business.
It was about making a perfect world for us.
- And we can still have that.
Babe, I love you.
- Then Bradsplain this.
I wasn't so drunk that I didn't know what I was signing.
I signed it because I didn't think it mattered
because we would be together forever!
- Oh boy.
- I don't know,
but I think it has something to do with this food.
- Is that your final scientific explanation of this?
- That's all I got.
- There's nothing we can do about it here.
Let's gather the specimens
and take them back down to the lab.
- Right now?
- Yes, right now.
- And miss the fireworks?
- Should we intervene?
- I hope she steps on that putz.
- Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you?
- Totally.
- I suppose we could offer some moral support.
- Or maybe prevent a crushing murder.
- Nah, screw that guy.
- I trusted you.
I loved you.
I'm out of here.
- Oh, Beverly!
- Should we follow her?
- We need something with some zoom.
- I have some zoom.
- Oh, she wants numbers?
I'll give her numbers.
Oh yeah, if you liked it big,
I'll show you big, baby.
Way big.
Big!
Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.
- She could be hundreds of miles away already.
What are you gonna say to her when we catch up to her?
- I haven't really thought about it,
but I've always been able to talk my way
out of any situation.
- That's the problem.
You converse out of your ass and not your heart.
- Really messed up, Brad.
A woman needs to feel appreciated,
not like a piece of meat.
- And it was your meat that caused this whole thing.
- As if you know how to talk to a woman.
- I talk to my mother quite frequently
and she enjoys my company,
thank you very much.
- He is right, you know.
- How do we even know we're going the correct way?
- Look, there!
She's close.
- Yeah, I can smell her perfume.
Beverly Woods Juice D'Amor.
- Love juice?
She needs a marketing firm
to come up with some better names.
- Hey.
- I think it rolls off the tongue.
- Ew.
- Feel so stupid!
- Let me handle this.
Babe!
- Stay away.
I'm warning you.
- He's handling it well so far.
- She has to work on her aim.
- He's gonna need our help.
- Let me just talk to you.
- I realized something.
You're always talking to me, not with me.
- Let's be honest.
Sometimes you tend to, whoa!
Yep, you're right,
I'm a Bradsplainer.
- Go away, or the next one won't be a warning rock!
- We can work this out.
- What's the point?
I signed everything I worked for away
to a miserable cheater.
- Yeah, you sure did.
- And where's your little hoochie anyway?
She didn't wanna come and rub it all in?
- Babe, Fuschia's not even in the picture.
She's nothing to me.
Just another girl.
- I'm not just any girl.
I'm Fuschia, the future.
- Holy shit, where'd she come from?
- This is not good.
- You're right.
This is great.
- Fuschia, I was just talking about you, sweetie.
- Save it.
- Shouldn't we be doing something?
- Yeah, somebody should be recording this.
- Bradley's got you covered.
- Yes, Woodys, the moment you've all been waiting for!
A total cacophony of cat fight calamity.
Donate now and donate big!
Hey, ladies.
Hey, ladies.
- Is he serious?
- I told you he was a worm.
- Wave at the camera!
- You really are a scumbag, aren't you?
You don't care about us girls.
Everything's for you,
nothing's for us.
- Let's put it this way.
- Go on.
- I'm outta here.
- Where do you think you're going?
- No, not the car.
- You like this?
Then go get it.
- That was limited edition!
- Oh, key word, was.
- Look, ladies, there has to be a way we can resolve this.
Let's just sit down,
have a few cocktails,
and then maybe, I don't know, we can, you know?
- Oh, I know.
- Good old Bradley knows how to make things right.
Sexy time cure-all.
- Is he serious?
- Unfortunately he is.
Why wait?
- Y'all might wanna start walking home.
This'll be a while.
Whoever said more than a handful is a waste was a moron.
- I know what you wanted but never got.
What every man wants.
- What's that?
- You tried so many times and I turned you down,
but now, now I'm ready for it.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.
- No, no, no.
- What's your fantasy, Bradley?
- Two girls!
- Oh no!
- Death by motorboat.
- The ultimate way to go.
- Wait, you're not going to...
- No.
Oh.
- Oh no.
- I am so glad we became friends actually.
- Me too.
- I was horrible to you, I'll admit,
but it's cuz I was kind of jealous.
- Samezies.
You're just so perfect.
Made me feel insecure.
I just wanted what you had.
- Us women, we need to stick together,
not tear each other down.
- I'll drink to that.
- Cheers.
- I can't believe he ate that entire carrot.
- Large and in charge.
- Well, I guess sometimes we all need that special someone.