Auto Focus (2002) Movie Script
That's Gene Krupa on the drums,
folks. And if you believe that...
No, that's yours truly on the skins.
Sometimes wish I was Gene Krupa.
- I think I was born in a different era.
- Robert Crane. Robert...
Enough! This is KNX-CBS, 1070
on the AM dial, 93.1 on the FM dial.
Enough! This is KNX-CBS, 1070
on the AM dial, 93.1 on the FM dial.
It is beautiful in Hollywood,
they tell me. 72 degrees outside...
...9:25 on the KNX clock...
Yes, Jack! I know!
I'll get to him.
That's Jackie Chapman,
our engineer, knocking.
Jack will be appearing later
today at the Ralphs market...
...in the fresh fruit section,
if I'm not mistaken.
As regular listeners know,
from time to time...
...we have special guests,
and today, somebody truly special.
Mr. Clayton Moore,
the Lone Ranger, right over here!
And I've always wanted
to do this with you...
- Hi-yo, Silver. Away!
- I never get tired of that.
Do people recognize you
when you're out in public?
No. No, not really.
Can we get you to expose
yourself today on radio?
- Mask off? Reveal your identity?
- For you, Bob, sure.
Coming up next, a KNX first. We've
got the Lone Ranger, and he's naked!
- Don't tell Tonto.
- No, of course not.
First, a word from our sponsor,
Lucky Strike cigarettes.
I always wanted
to make an impression.
You know the type.
There's one in every class.
The cutup. Eddie Cantor once told
me like ability is 90% of the battle...
...and he was right.
Well, that's me.
I'm a likable guy.
Bob, sit!
Please?
I'm emceeing a lunch in an hour.
Humour me.
- Those the contracts I need to sign?
- Sit!
Your ears would've been
burning this morning.
I had breakfast with
the boys from CBS.
Got something very interesting.
This could be what you're looking for.
- What?
- A television series!
- Goodbye, Lenny.
- Listen to me. Stop running, will you?
I thought you were gonna get me
a Jack Lemmon role.
A feature. It's a critical time for me.
I need something big.
I can be Jack Lemmon.
You are Jack Lemmon.
And Jack Benny.
- Then get me a role.
- That's what this is!
Lemmon and Benny combined.
They want you for the lead.
Just promise me
you'll keep an open mind.
You ready?
It's set in a German prison camp.
- It's a drama?
- No! That... It's a comedy.
Oh, with the funny Nazis.
- It's a POW camp.
- With a laugh track?
Hey. This is first-class
all the way, my friend.
Bing Crosby Productions doing it.
Sounds like it could be
a career-killer.
Just read it?
He suffered under Pontius Pilate,
was crucified, died and was buried.
He descended to the dead.
On the third day, he rose again.
He ascended into heaven and is
seated at the right hand of the Father.
He will come again to judge
the living and the dead.
- You need a little bit of this.
- There you go, Bobby.
I think it's perfect for me.
I mean this character, Hogan...
...he's quick on his toes,
he's hip, he's a con artist.
I think it's what I've been
working toward my whole career.
You've been working
towards Holocaust comedy?
- Anne!
- What, Bob?
Not in front of the children.
They look up to me.
They're small.
They look up to everyone.
- That's funny. I gotta use that.
- Bob, for 15 years...
...l've followed you from job to job.
I'm your number one supporter.
I believe in you. But you expect
me to keep quiet when I see you...
...about to do something
that could ruin your career?
No, not me! Oh, no!
Help! Help!
Those are the right words...
All right, honey. You're right.
Family comes first.
I guess it's more important
than some TV show.
You really like the script?
It runs circles around
the other stuff I've been offered.
I know.
I read it.
You did?
It's funny.
Are you saying what
I think you're saying?
You'll quit KNX?
First I'll do both, like we did on
Donna Reed, but if it works...
Well, Donna Reed was part-time.
I just hope I can pull it off.
Hogan's in almost every scene.
You worry. You always worry,
but in the end you succeed.
Easy for you to say.
Hello, Henry.
Now, we're all professionals here.
You've all been working on your
characters, each with his own slant.
We have to keep in mind
this is a gang comedy.
It's funny to the extent the gang
is funny. Like an athletic team.
A great quarterback
without his offensive line...
...ain't gonna complete a pass.
Did you hear about the
Greek quarterback...
...who hated to leave
his buddies behind?
I think we get the point.
Let's pick up with Klink and Hogan.
The great disciplinarian...
...knows when to reward
and when to punish.
Now, my leniency
is a legend, right?
Wrong. You've got a reputation
to uphold, colonel.
You know that. I mean,
you're running the most brutal...
...prison camp in all of Germany!
Okay.
Let's back up.
Bob, don't try so hard.
You're the hero of the show.
It's named after you.
And heroes don't try and be
heroes, they simply are. Okay?
Let's do it again. Same place.
The great disciplinarian knows...
- when to reward and when to punish.
Now, my leniency is a legend, right?
- Wrong.
- What do you mean?
You've got a reputation
to uphold, colonel.
You are running the most brutal
prison camp in all of Germany.
- I am?
- In the world! You're ranked third...
...behind Devil's Island and Alcatraz.
- Good.
And you're the toughest
Kommandant.
In the last war it was "Kill the Kaiser."
Today it's "Kill Klink."
"Kill Klink." I like that.
Mel Rosen. I do a little radio show
out of the Quad Cities.
I've actually heard
good things about that.
- Coming from you, that's high praise.
- You gotta give me a tape for that.
- Something to drink?
- A grapefruit juice.
- With vodka?
- No, straight. Last of the straight men.
I'll have another Tom Collins.
Doing a show on the new TV season.
Never pass up one of these junkets.
- Well, I'm with you there.
- So this new show...
I loved you on Donna Reed,
by the way.
It's set in a concentration camp.
A comedy?
Prisoner of war camp.
Yeah, it's got all your typical comedy
elements: Gestapo, police dogs.
So I guess if you
liked World War II...
...you're gonna love Hogan's Heroes.
- No, let's not...
- Actually, I got what I want.
Mel, what...?
I thought you were a fellow entertainer.
I'm also a Jew.
It's the same thing.
Thank you.
Are one of those for me?
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Bob! Look what I found.
- Hiya.
- Hiya.
This TV reviewer, he just...
I don't mean to offend anybody.
Forget it. Do you see this spread?
Yeah, I gotta hand it to CBS.
They did it for one reason:
The affiliates have seen the pilot.
They love it.
- You play Hogan, don't you?
- I sure do. You want an autograph?
- I've got autographs.
- Darling, you just stop that.
Mr. Crane is a happily married man.
You wanted to see my room, right?
It's right this way.
Did you catch the radio show
this morning? Guess who was on.
Were you listening?
Johnny Winters.
I swear, he's gotta be the funniest
human being ever born.
Honey?
What's wrong?
Why do we have shady magazines
hidden in our garage?
Those? Those are...
- You know, photography magazines.
- Gent? Caught?
I'm a photo nut, Annie, so...
Nature Girls 1965?
They're harmless.
- No wonder you never look at me.
- Would you stop that?
Listen, I'm out the door every morning
at 5:30. I'm not home until after dark.
You see how hard I'm working?
- Are you seeing another woman?
- Absolutely not.
I want those magazines
out of the house.
Yeah, I'll throw them away.
- I've seen them before. I just ignored it.
- All right, I get the message.
Bad enough I've gotta hide them
like some teenager.
Well, what did you have in mind?
Putting them on the coffee table
for our guests to see?
I apologize.
- Maybe we should see Father Donnelly.
- No, it's our business.
Family business.
We'll keep it at home.
You're never home. I just thought
when you started shooting Hogan's...
...that this would change things.
- It will, darling. Trust me. It will.
Hogan's Heroes premiered
September 17, 1965...
...8:30 on Friday night.
When the Nielsen ratings
were released...
...Hogan's, out of 98 prime-time shows,
finished number five.
Of the new shows,
it was number one.
I've always had
an extraordinary amount of luck.
Being in the right place
at the right time.
There was some controversy
the first few months, but it died away.
Mondays we blocked the show.
Tuesdays we did exteriors.
Wednesdays and Thursdays
we did interiors.
Friday we'd have a table reading
of the next week's script.
Weekends we called each other
and went over everything. I loved it.
Give me a vacation,
and three days later I'm going crazy.
Not another power outage.
No, sir. I'm installing Richard's
new high-fidelity unit.
- In his trailer here?
- I can wire anything.
- Yeah?
- You got a second?
Let me show you something.
I designed this myself. Listen.
Pretty groovy, huh?
- I'm Bob Crane.
- John. John Carpenter.
Well, I've never been much into hi-fi.
- Photography's always been my thing.
- I'm with you.
If you like photography,
you'll love VTRs.
- "VTRs"?
- Videotape recorders.
Magnetic coding, like audio tape.
Same principle, only with pictures.
Sony, Ampex, Panasonic,
they're all developing VTRs.
- Hi, Bob.
- Hey, Robert. So this is like your...?
I sort of freelance.
I work with Sonycom from Japan...
...helping them introduce
helical-scan VTRs.
I sold Dawson the third VTR
in the U.S.
- Sold one to LBJ, Elvis.
- Yeah?
Showed him how to use it. Nice cat.
Back in 15 minutes, Bob.
Shoot, gotta run.
- Nice meeting you.
- All right.
Carpenter.
- "FBI."
- Full-blooded Indian.
Well, actually, half-blooded.
Here, take my card.
Dawson and I are hooking up
over at Salome's later...
...if you want to come and join us.
- I actually prom...
- You'd like it. It's a nice joint.
- House band. Strippers.
- Well...
Hey, mate. How's it coming?
You're all set up, big daddy.
Eight watts of pumping power.
Hear that? I just got
the best bloody hi-fi on this lot.
I gotta run.
Salome's.
- Colonel! How's it hanging?
- Can't complain.
Glad you could make it.
Richard. I brought you
a call sheet for tomorrow.
I already got one.
Let me get you something to drink.
- I'll have a grapefruit juice.
- Come on, Bob, don't be such a prick.
Miss Kitty.
Miss Kitty! Let's give her a big
Hollywood hand, ladies and gentlemen.
We'll take a break,
let the band drain their nozzles...
...so be right back.
Terrific dancer, baby.
I love what you do.
- Colonel Hogan?
- Can we help you?
- You want an autograph?
- Yeah, sure, thanks. Okay.
My name's Nickie D.
I'm the drummer here.
You're on that show too, aren't you?
You play the British guy.
I used to listen to your show every
morning back when I had a real job.
Was that really you
playing the drums on the radio?
- Sure it was. You think I was faking?
- You did a lot of kidding.
Not about that.
You want to sit in?
As a special treat,
sitting in on drums...
...Colonel Robert Hogan from the hit
TV series Hogan's Heroes, Bob Crane!
Come on, let's hear it!
Kommandant, bring out
the little strudel. What do you say?
Come on! Angela, from Lubbock!
Thanks for meeting me like this, Father.
It must seem unusual.
Not at all.
We haven't seen you in a while.
I'm sorry. I'll be at Mass tomorrow
with Anne and the kids.
This TV show,
you wouldn't believe the hours.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
Everybody's life has its unique
demands. I'm glad you called.
- Thank you.
- So, what's on your mind?
Just the show, you know.
We work late.
When you get off,
you're all sort of jazzed up.
So I've been playing my drums,
you know, just to sort of wind down.
I've been playing
at various, you know...
...strip clubs.
Joints.
Would you be more comfortable
in the confessional?
Just wanted to talk.
Of course. Of course.
So does Anne know?
About the clubs? No.
No, but I think
it's obvious I've been...
I can't believe it!
...coming home later.
Mr. Crane, I am such a fan.
- I just wondered, could l...?
- A picture together? You bet.
And your name is?
- Oh, I forgot.
- You forgot your name?
- Not that. Julie.
- Julie, all right.
Right over here. "Schmile."
- There you go.
- Thank you.
Okay. Thank you.
Sorry about that, Father.
Where were we?
You and Anne.
It's not easy to resist temptation.
One has to remove oneself
from the occasion of sin.
You can't keep...
Listen. I know several musicians.
We play from time to time.
I'm no Bill Evans,
but I can keep up on keyboard.
Maybe we should
play together sometime.
After work.
Thank you. Yeah, that's...
It's a good idea.
- I love what you do.
- Thank you.
Bob? Bob.
That was great.
You don't remember, do you?
I'll give you a hint.
- Carpenter. John Carpenter.
- Right.
- How are they hanging?
- Pretty tight, my man.
I've been looking for you.
This is John Carpenter.
He's like the James Bond
of video nuts.
Anybody wants the new stuff,
they gotta talk to him. This is Elaine.
- What a pretty name.
- Thank you.
- And Emily.
- Pleasure.
So, what's happening?
Where's the action tonight?
We were talking about grabbing
a bite to eat over at Arthur J's.
No, no, no, let's go to my pad.
You wouldn't believe this new equipment
they sent me. It'll blow your mind.
Light hits this layer and stores
a charged density pattern on it...
...which is scanned with an electron
beam. So the resulting signal...
...is sent by cable
to where it's recorded on tape.
The helical-scan method of the VTR
issues proper magnetic coding...
...so picture quality is always secure.
- I've never seen anything like this.
- Of course not.
That's the point. It's a prototype.
- That stereo over there.
- Yeah?
- Does it play music?
- Of course.
- Tonight?
- Of course.
Do you got any jazz?
- Name it.
- You got Procol Harum?
- I got Four Tops.
- Close enough.
Bob?
You wanna freshen the girls' drinks?
Bob.
Which one do you want?
- What do you mean?
- These girls are ready to get it on.
And you're the man,
so I figure you get first choice.
I don't really care.
If it's all the same to you,
I'll hit on the blond.
Copasetic?
Copasetic.
They're beautiful, right?
I'm gonna...
I'll have another hit of that vodka.
- Can I get you another drink?
- I'm not done with this one yet.
John tells me you used
to be a Bunny.
- Can you do the Bunny Dip?
- Can I do the Bunny Dip? Watch this.
- What's the matter? Don't you like me?
- No, it's not that.
I'm married.
So am I.
And I'm a one-woman man.
Hogan, you crack me up.
- No, it's...
- Well, I'm not Colonel Klink...
...or that other dummk opf.
What's his name? The fat one.
You can't pull that crap on me.
What's this?
A prop, I suppose.
What do you want?
Colonel Hogan, I want you
to nail me to the fucking wall.
Whatever you want.
Anything.
Can we leave the lights on?
- Danke for the stockings, colonel.
- Don't tell anybody there's a war on.
Herr Kommandant,
Colonel Hogan to see you.
The second season,
Cynthia Lynn, who played Helga...
...was replaced by Patti Olsen,
screen name Sigrid Valdis.
The character's name was Hilda.
Herr Kommandant,
Colonel Hogan to see you.
Kommandant, you wanted to see me?
Yes, Hogan, I have a very serious
matter to discuss with you.
I know everything
that happened last night.
- You do?
- You don't fool me for one moment.
Well, I know that, sir. Cigar?
Hogan!
Cut! Terrific.
All right, let's move on.
- That was very nice.
- Made me laugh.
Jeff, what do you think? Let's
swing around and do the other side?
- Nervous? That was great.
- I feel like a bad actress.
- Oh, my gosh, it was so good. Really.
- Thanks.
Everyone's so nice.
It's like a family.
Yeah, well, it depends what kind
of family you come from.
- Okay, come on, come on.
- Okay, you guys, you guys!
- Okay, go.
- All right. Okay. Cheese!
Completing the second season,
Hogan's was rated 17 th by the Nielsens.
I'm Bob Crane's manager,
and we're having a little party later...
...and I was wondering
if you ladies would like to come.
A party with Bob Crane?
We'd love to.
You know who I'm talking about.
It's Klink's secretary.
- Helga?
- No, it's Hilda.
- She's got real beauty.
- Tighten up your pants?
- Yeah, but she's special, you know?
- They all are.
She's real. Not uptight.
You know what I mean?
- Here they are, Big Daddy.
- Quick, what are their names again?
- Jill and Judy.
- Jill and Judy.
Chicks these days, it's like
they throw out all the rules.
I might be in love.
Which is which?
Jill's the blond,
Judy's the other one.
I'm going for the blond.
Bob, I had her all set up.
- I'm going for the blond.
- Bob, I've been working on her.
Brunette's not my type.
I'm sure you'll make do.
Come on.
Okay.
- Ladies!
- Hey, how are you?
- Hi. Jill, right?
- Jill, yeah.
- Jill, John.
- Bob Crane.
- Judy?
- Yeah, Judy. Nice to meet you.
Welcome.
So this is the party?
Colonel, apparently some
of the new recruits...
...are complaining
about the barracks again.
Hogan!
He does that just right.
Yeah!
You are so photogenic.
That's great! That's great!
I love that thing you do.
Hold on, hold on. I gotta get that.
- Take it off! Take it off!
- Fabulous. Set those puppies free.
- That's great.
- Go, Jill!
Carpy, more film!
That's fabulous.
That's fabulous. Really.
I didn't even know this thing was on.
I didn't want to freak you.
Give you...
- What, performance anxiety.
- I do my best work in front of a camera.
- I do mine behind.
- This is fabulous.
Where have you been all my life?
You do this for Dawson?
You don't like him, do you?
He tried for the lead, it went to me,
so he snips at me.
Little Brit fag cracks.
"Trouble with your lines, love?"
You know, always trying
to undercut me.
Jesus, look at her go.
You're gonna have to choose, Carp.
- It's him or it's me.
- Look, Bob.
She's giving you head.
We're gonna have to burn this tape.
How much did you say one
of these things costs?
Flowers 3 times a week is one thing,
but isn't this extravagant?
Wait till you see it.
- How does it work?
- You gotta see this thing. Carpy.
It doesn't bite. Just don't touch
these wires right here.
Okay.
Carpy says, "Don't touch."
Well, what will we do with it?
Home movies.
Smile! Come on, give me a smile.
Everybody give me a wave.
- I wanna get this side also.
- Thank you.
No, please. Bob!
Come on, I'm washing the dishes.
- I don't wanna be photographed.
- Look at that dress. I love that, honey.
All right, give me one more shot.
Here we go. One, two, big dance!
- Look at that.
- This is amazing.
- You just shot this today.
- Yeah, it's not like film.
With video,
there's no film processing.
We are light years ahead
of everybody.
Look at that.
It's like the Polaroid of home movies.
Herr Kommandant,
Colonel Hogan to see you.
Well, he did beat out
a million other sperm.
Think about that.
- Guess it's kind of hard to fathom.
- Yeah.
- You're so easy to talk to.
- It's because I speak English, Sigrid.
- Call me Patricia.
- Patricia.
Sigrid is my stage name.
To you, I'm Patricia.
And what brought you back to L.A.?
The usual things: A broken marriage.
Cheers to that.
Tired of being a housewife, you know?
So you came back here
where you can play one instead?
Something like that.
What about you, Hogan?
What are your dreams?
Besides drumming with Buddy Rich?
I dream about finding
somebody who gets me...
...who I am.
We're in the show together.
We have to keep up
the appearance of respectability.
I can be very respectable.
You're not really hungry, are you?
I'm gonna get the check.
Yeah.
We're a Christian publication,
Mr. Crane.
Please. It's Bob.
So this is a little outside our
normal terrain. We usually don't do...
...Hollywood interviews,
what with the divorces and whatnot.
- Sure.
- That's why we're interested in you.
You've been married to your
high-school sweetheart for 16 years.
- Fifteen, actually.
- Fifteen years.
How do you do it? What's your secret?
Three words:
Don't... make... waves.
As every sailor knows,
when one set of waves meets...
...another set of waves
it can set up some chop.
And when three sets of waves
come together, it can make...
...for some mighty rough sailing.
It also helps sometimes
to have a harmless safety valve.
Because when I get tense,
I blow off steam.
And so when it comes
to my own family...
...I don't make waves.
That's inspirational.
You're a fortunate man.
Yes.
Yes, I am.
- You want me to run lines with you?
- No, I got it.
Is there anything
you want to talk about?
About what?
Neither of us has said anything,
but we both know.
Know what?
- We never spend any time alone.
- What do you call this?
Tense.
- Distant.
- Oh, you're being ridiculous.
Come on.
I didn't mean that. I just think
you're overreacting a little bit.
It's been a while
since we've done anything.
Or has work sapped all your energy?
My goodness, she was built.
- Mindy.
- Mandy. Mandy!
We should name a ride after her.
- Loop-de-Loop.
- Tilt-A-Whirl.
Watching these home movies
gets me so damn hot.
- They're videos, Bob. Videos.
- I got a hard-on the size of Florida.
- What was that?
- What?
Rewind the tape.
Just rewind it.
Okay. Okay, just play it from there.
Play it right there.
- What's that on my ass?
- What?
Freeze it. Can you do that?
Not for long.
The image becomes unstable.
Freeze it right there!
What the hell is that on my ass?
That is my hand.
- Rubbing my ass?
- So what?
Your fingers are up my cheeks.
What you doing in there?
It's an orgy, Bob.
So you can just touch my ass?
I thought you liked it.
- I thought it was her! God!
- What's the difference?
The difference? You got
your fingers up my asshole!
Sorry.
Fuck you very much.
Bob, I said I'm sorry.
It's a group grope!
You got your fingers up
around my ass!
We were just having fun.
- You know what? You're a perv.
- What?
You're a fucking pervert.
Is that clear enough?
- A feygele. Does that make sense?
- Bob, I'm sorry.
You know what? Hey!
I'll see you next time, Carpy.
Never!
Well, now, I guess,
is as good a time as any.
Thank you all for coming.
Since the introduction of the
CV 2000, we've been working...
...toward the development
of a colour videotape recorder.
Mr. Carpenter,
our Los Angeles representative...
...has a demonstration.
This system will demonstrate
what lies in store.
John, get the lights, please?
I knew it was in colour, but just one?
John, lights.
We are experiencing
a little technical problem.
If you'd excuse us just a second.
There's hot coffee
and fresh Danish next door.
It'll only be a few minutes,
I promise.
Thank you. Thanks.
What's happened?
I don't know. I set everything
according to specs.
Well, fix it.
Looks fine to me.
It's green.
It's fucking green!
You really can't tell, can you?
You're fucking colour-blind.
- I'll fix it.
- Goddamn you!
I've got execs from Tokyo, every
network, and you pull a stunt like this?
- John, leave.
- I'm fired?
- Yeah. Get out.
- You can't do that.
It's done.
I've got the contacts.
Who do you think
got you the celebrities?
I sold Vidicons to Tommy Smothers,
Dick Martin, Bob Crane.
I sold a VTR to Elvis!
Do I need to call security?
One, two, three! I didn't think
she was gonna get that last one.
Oh, what a beautiful cake!
Is it supposed to do that?
It's broken.
Six months?
Can you refer me to somebody?
Right. All right.
Well, thank you.
John, it's Bob.
Yeah, I'm fine.
Yeah, how are you?
Oh, that's funny.
Well, the problem is, we've had a little
trouble with the VTR over here, and...
I know.
No, I know you're busy.
Of course.
I completely understand.
I thought maybe if you could...
...you know, squeeze us in.
You work on this?
Well, I...
It's the video head drum.
You can't fix it with Scotch tape,
you know.
Is it serious?
No, I should be able to put
another one in there pretty quick...
...as long as nothing else is fucked up.
I really appreciate you coming over.
I tell anybody who asks:
"You need video equipment,
you see John Carpenter."
Dad!
- I'll be right there, honey!
- Bob?
I'm real sorry about
what went down at my place.
You're not still mad?
- I appreciate you coming over.
- Bob!
I'm not a fag.
About Dawson...
...I told him I was getting
too busy to see him much.
You did?
How'd he take it?
What choice did he have?
You're my number one man, Bob!
Copasetic?
Copasetic.
Good.
Because, if you're into it,
one of my clients is having...
...a party up in the hills on Friday.
Lots of ladies. A hippie thing.
Could be fun.
Come on!
Come on in.
Wow.
That's fun.
- Yes.
- Yeah!
- How's your show?
- Show's going really, real well.
Excuse me.
- Man, I loved your radio show.
- Yeah?
It was so cool,
you know, for its time.
- I used to listen every morning.
- Thank you.
- Can I get an autograph?
- Sure.
Will you sign me right here?
Thanks, Colonel Hogan.
Chinese, they'll just march right in.
- You know what I'm saying?
- Give peace a chance.
- What are you gonna do about it?
- Relax.
John!
- Whatever.
- We're guests.
I fought for my country.
Look at the jugs on her.
Carp? Get a load of this.
No, no, that's good. I like that.
Here we go.
Beautiful. Beautiful.
Want to try one of those
"schmile" pictures we talked about?
- Okay.
- Why not, huh?
We'll just...
There we go. And all set?
Ready.
- Schmile!
- Schmile!
Really great.
I'm a normal,
red-blooded American man.
I like to look at naked women.
I love breasts. Any kind. I love them.
Boobs, bazooms,
balloons, bags, bazongas.
The bigger, the better.
Nipples like udders, nipples like
saucers. Big pale, rosy-brown nipples.
Little bitty baby nipples.
Real or fake, what's the difference?
I like tits.
Who's kidding who?
Tits are great.
- There you are.
- Thank you.
Well, I just...
So you... You actually
went to Las Vegas with the...
- You can't even say his name?
- Well...
Come on. I told you I was going.
Sure, but I didn't think
you were really gonna do it.
Bob, honey, you're already married.
She doesn't understand this life.
She'd rather be back in Connecticut.
She's not a Hollywood person,
you know?
She's so good. She's like a...
A saint?
Come on, don't let her do that to you.
You are a good man.
What about the press?
The public reaction.
We've got nothing to be ashamed of.
You know, Ed actually suggested
we get married on the set.
CBS would love it.
Publicity.
Hey, remember what you said to me
the first time we had dinner together?
Yeah, that I was fluent in English.
You said you wanted to find
a woman who understands you.
I do. I do.
You know, I have to let you
in on a little secret, baby.
The other women?
I know all about them.
You're okay with that?
We only go around once in this life.
I never want to lie about
who I am and I never want you...
...to lie about who you are.
You're not gonna change.
I know who you are and I love you!
And I love fucking you!
We can have any kind
of marriage we want.
You know, it can be such a drag.
I mean, chatting up broads.
You know me.
I'm a gentleman, I don't push.
But you gotta draw her out,
get her to talk about herself...
...listen to her, act like you
give a shit to get her clothes off.
- And then, not even that.
- That's life with the ladies.
Bobby comes in with
that crooked smile...
...and gets a strike on the
frigging line every time.
- Well, Bob's gotta be careful.
- What do you mean?
I warned him.
He shows me his car full of nudie
pictures of him getting sucked off.
I said, " Bob, you're a big star.
What happens if you get
pulled over by the cops?"
He'd hit on the Virgin Mary with
Jesus standing right there if he could.
Richard, you are so bad.
Hey, what's with this new
Sony colour system?
I'm not with Sony anymore.
- I switched to Akai.
- Really?
Bob is just coming through the gate!
- It's about time.
- I better go.
- Listen. You don't need him.
- No, I better run.
I put that stuff you wanted in your
trailer. If you have any questions, call.
Hey, man.
- Good morning, Bob.
- Morning.
Clary.
Herr Hogan.
Had a late night, did we, Bob?
Armand, you do your job
and I'll do mine.
Stand aside!
Magician at work.
Take four.
And, action!
I'm serious about this, Hogan.
Well, colonel, it's not really
my responsibility, now, is it?
Hogan, I'm counting on you.
Well, I'll see what LeBeau can do.
What did you say?
Hogan, what's bothering you?
It would appear Colonel Hogan
is daydreaming again.
- What is this?
- You will tell us everything, Hogan...
...or we have ways of making you talk.
What's...? What's going on?
You will tell us now.
Well, I don't know what to do.
Patti wants to get married,
but I can't do that to Anne.
- I'd never forgive myself.
- Himmler was in a similar situation.
- What did he do?
- He sent the wife...
...and the mistress to Dachau.
- Tell me more.
All I think about all day long is sex.
Having sex.
Filming sex. Watching sex.
Hogan, that's all any of us
really think about.
Nobody else has their
own video specialist.
Video specialist?
Yeah, only mine's a fruit,
or a half-fruit, whatever it's called.
- You must send him to the Russian front!
- No! No, I can't replace him.
Sex thing, Patti thing, the fruit thing...
I don't recognize my own life anymore.
I'm ready for you, Hogan.
- What?
- It'll be a modern marriage.
Klink and Schultzie can join in too.
Come on, Hogan. Fuck me right here.
The lighting's perfect!
Go for it, Big Daddy.
I've got you covered.
Bob? What do you say?
Go ahead. Fuck her, Bob.
Go balls-deep, Pop.
No, I can't.
Klink, tell me what to do.
- What's the answer?
- The answer?
We don't have answers. We're Nazis.
Dismissed!
Dismissed, Hogan.
Dismissed, Hogan!
Hogan?
Bob!
Are you with us?
You look like you drifted off there.
Yeah. Sorry. Where were we?
Anne?
Oh.
Hey.
What a day!
I was cleaning up today...
...and I went into your darkroom.
Yeah, why'd you do that?
I saw them.
Photography studies.
There was picture after picture.
You know I sometimes play
the drums at the clubs.
How many women are there?
We need counselling...
- How many?
- Anne, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm...
Anne. Anne, Anne, I'm sorry.
Do you think the children
would be proud of you?
I'm sorry.
I pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. And Mrs. Robert Crane.
Hogan's Heroes left the airwaves
on July 4th, 1971...
...after six seasons and 186 shows.
I was determined to do right by Anne.
In the settlement,
she got the house, the car...
...and custody of the children.
Patti's pregnant.
I need work.
Sid! How are you, my friend?
What kind of roles you want
me to be looking for?
Anything.
I got a Westwood mortgage,
alimony, child support.
- I got a baby on the way.
- She got pregnant?
- I thought you said you had the...
- Vasectomy.
It leaks.
It leaks?
I need work.
I don't understand.
You were on Hogan's for six years...
...the thing was a hit.
You didn't save any money?
- This is not a good time for film roles.
- Bobby Darin!
- Yeah?
- Bobby Darin gets film roles.
Well, he's married to Sandra Dee.
- You'd have to audition.
- Whatever it takes.
I just want to leave Hogan
and the leather jacket...
...behind me for once
and for all, you know?
According to The Washington Post, while
still in office as attorney general...
...John Mitchell had personally
controlled a secret Republican fund.
Mitchell vehemently denied
any such involvement...
...and called the story ludicrous.
Vice President Agnew...
Bob, you are not a failure.
This mortgage is eating me alive.
I'm drowning in debt.
You know, I've never gone this long,
ever, I mean, without work before.
I'll get that.
Hello.
Yeah. Yeah, no,
I just got held up. Great.
It's John, isn't it?
You said we were gonna
spend tonight together.
I know. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I just gotta get out. Okay?
This thinking and dwelling on my
problems, it's driving me crazy.
- It's lonely in this house without you.
- I know. Listen.
Tomorrow night.
Tomorrow night, you and I, us.
Promise?
- Promise?
- Promise!
Bad boy! Get out!
You know what time it is?
It's fuck time.
Let's hear it for the
inimitable Miss Kitty!
Now totally nude, yeah.
And once again, our old friend
Colonel Hogan.
Robert Crane. Thanks again, Bob.
We're gonna take a little pause
for the cause. Back in 10.
Well, I was in radio for 15 years.
Six years in Bridgeport, Connecticut.
Nine here in Los Angeles.
Six years on Hogan's.
Wow. That's 20 years of solid work.
Rotten to be out of work.
You've been bad.
Yes, I have.
I know what to do with boys like you.
Stripping is a part-time thing for me.
Mostly, I'm a dominatrix.
Here, I'm Melissa.
But my real self is Mistress Victoria.
- You, you...
- You will respect Mistress Victoria.
You joking?
You tell me.
It's hard to explain, Carp.
You ever been on a roller coaster?
You know that feeling you get
when you take that first...
- You know, that plunge?
- Yeah, sure.
Well, imagine getting off while
you're zooming straight down...
...and your heart is going,
you know, thump.
Thump, thump. It's...
That's what it's like.
There's no way to compare it.
Wow.
It's dead air.
- What?
- Dead air.
It's the one thing
every disc jockey knows:
Don't get stuck with dead air.
That's what I've got.
I've worked and I've worked
and I got dead air.
I hate it.
Dinner theatre.
- You're kidding.
- Why?
- You've done summer theatre.
- That was summer theatre!
That was to keep busy, not something
to do during prime time.
Dick Van Dyke does dinner theatre.
And Jim Nabors...
Maybe I need a new agent.
Maybe you're the problem.
All right. Here's the phone.
Who do you want to call?
I've got all the numbers.
Len, that's not what I meant.
I'm not the one coming here saying
he's going crazy without work.
I'm trying to help you.
Just keep trying.
Something's gotta turn up.
- What the hell is that?
- Sounds like fire engines.
- Well, I know that.
- Oh, look, they're right on our street!
My God! The building's on fire!
And look at all the police cars
and photographers!
Photographers?
It's okay.
Photographers? Oh, look,
and there's the mayor too.
- Is my wife down there?
- What does she look like?
I can't remember.
The play was called Beginner's Luck,
a sophisticated sex comedy.
We played dinner theatres
around the country.
Patti and I performed together,
but it became clear...
...that for Scotty's sake,
she should stay in Los Angeles.
- Scotty!
- Hey, hey, hey.
Wait. Hey, hey, hey!
I got you.
Sure everything's gonna be all right?
New actress comes in this afternoon.
She knows the role. We got four days.
All right with you.
You seem so tense lately.
I'm carrying the whole production. I'm
directing, booking, working the crowd.
- You'll be home in three weeks, right?
- Unless they boo us off.
- They love you, Bob!
- Honey?
- Oh, I'm sorry, baby.
- What are you doing?
Come here.
Come on.
Everybody loves you, Bob.
Pacific Southwest Airlines
flight 287...
...is now arriving at gate 35
from Los Angeles.
- Hey!
- Big Daddy.
- Voil!
- What is that?
Videocassette. It's brand-new.
It has the reel-to-reel
inside the casing.
My God.
Any trouble with the luggage?
We're gonna need a sky cart.
That's just the thing. With women,
if they have a good sound...
- They love it.
- Patti loves it.
You know, we need a tape.
A music tape.
- Like a recording or something.
- Yeah, yeah.
- To get the chicks in the mood.
- That's a fabulous idea.
It's a fabulous idea.
It's a fabulous idea.
We have so much fun here.
We just love Columbus audiences.
We like after the show to take
a couple questions from the audience.
So let's start...
...here.
You St. Louis audiences are
fantastic. I'd be happy to sign...
...some autographs after the show.
I ask one thing:
Don't throw them out
while I'm still present.
What do y'all do for fun in Dallas?
I hear the place to be on a Thursday
night is a club called Lucky's.
So I guess that's where you'll find
me and some of the crew tonight.
If you're looking for company.
Over here! Over here!
- You all right?
- Yeah.
Hey, Bob! Bob!
Yeah?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Carpy?
- Sleeping Beauty.
- Carpy?
- Sleeping Beauty.
Where you been?
While you were catching Z's,
I, your loyal musketeer...
...was out at the porn theatre...
...shooting a copy of Deep Throat
off the screen.
- You can do that?
- I had to use your name.
I picked up some swing magazines.
This is a big town for swinging.
- We should just do it.
- What?
Just make a big-budget sex film.
You know?
Get some big star, like...
- Stella Stevens.
- She'd never do it.
Oh, hell yeah. Yeah, Carp.
Oh, yeah.
If you pay her enough.
She's an actress!
Wow. You could charge, like,
10 bucks for something like that.
Hey. Look at this.
Look at my dick.
- Look at my dick.
- I've seen your dick before.
Look closer.
- I don't want to look closer.
- Look, damn it!
See anything different?
What am I supposed to say,
it's bigger?
Is it?
Wow. You did it, didn't you?
Last time I was in L.A.
A "penile enhancement."
Wow! It's thicker!
How much did it cost?
If you're gonna be in the movies,
gotta do what you gotta do.
- Hey, a day without sex...
- Is a day wasted.
Bob Crane. Hey, Lenny.
You're kidding me.
Run it by me again?
That... No, no, no, no, that's...
That's great.
Disney's offering me a movie.
Superdad.
No, no, no, no. Just tell them
I got some commitments.
Don't blow this, Lenny.
Don't blow it. I want this job.
I need this job, okay?
No, it's fabulous! Yeah.
I'll call you later. Yeah.
Guess who's playing Superdad?
Me.
So much for our big plans.
Don't give me that look.
This is good for both of us.
- Oh, is it?
- Yeah. I'm back in play again.
The big time.
- Sweets. How are you?
- I'm fine.
Schmile.
- Let's pull it around.
- Easy.
- Lenny!
- Hey.
You came by.
It's 20 minutes.
They're turning around the lights.
You want to go in my trailer?
I got a call from Disney.
Apparently some joker
from the Enquirer...
...took pictures of you
in a topless bar.
Bob, this is Disney.
Don't fucking blow this.
I'm a family man. One woman man.
Always have been.
What about the photo albums?
Those pictures you show people.
You know, not everyone thinks
about things the way you do.
Turns people off.
And word gets around, believe me.
- Who'd I show them to?
- You show them to everybody.
Don't be a square.
Is it true you showed them to
Donna Reed and she ran out?
I may be horny, but I'm not stupid.
There could be a very
serious conflict here...
...between your lifestyle and
your career. You don't see this?
I'm normal.
Sex is not the answer.
I know that, Lenny, it's the question.
"Yes" is the answer.
I'm just saying.
Just try to be a little discreet.
All right?
Come in for a minute.
- I gotta get back to the office.
- Well, call me!
This is it.
Here we are.
Batman and Robin.
Lone Ranger and Tonto.
Hi-yo, Silver. Away!
- Come on in, guys. Join the party!
- Hey, what's going on?
- Janet! Janet!
- What's coming off?
What's going down?
All your life you're the lucky guy.
The funny guy.
Then one day it all turns.
The jokes aren't funny,
the phone doesn't ring.
You're the same, but nothing else is.
Superdad sat on the shelf
for a year...
...then flopped.
I had to beg Disney
for a cameo in another film...
...Gus, about a donkey
who kicked field goals.
What do they want from me?
I don't drink. I don't smoke.
Two out of three ain't bad.
Honey?
Gotta go back on the road.
Bob, you're never home anymore.
You think dinner theatre
makes me happy?
How do you think I feel having to do
dinner theatre to pay the bills?
Gee, I wouldn't know.
I'm just a housewife.
Well, maybe you need a new hobby.
You thought about that?
Maybe I need a new husband.
Hey, everything I do is for you
and Scotty. Come on.
The house, the furniture,
the Caddy that you drive.
I just want someone here.
You're never home anymore.
And when you are, you're
downstairs editing your videos!
You want me to cancel my next
engagement? Just cancel it?
I can't. It's a contract!
Marriage is a contract.
Maybe we should just
cancel that too.
I booked Wichita.
Is that thing on?
Oh, yeah. Want me to turn it off?
- Happy now?
- Yeah.
Bob?
Bob?
Hey, Big Daddy!
Carpy. You want a drink?
Look what I got you. It's a timer.
Now we can put on the recorder
whenever we want...
...tape shows right off the TV.
- That's fantastic.
Like if you want to watch
Johnny Carson at 11:30...
...and we're out hunting chicks,
we set the timer. Boom.
We watch it in the morning.
I'm gonna need a minute to
wrap my mind around that idea.
- Pretty groovy, huh?
- Yeah.
You okay? You look kind of blue.
Just Patti and I
having some problems.
Had to cancel the Wichita gig.
I thought you had
an arrangement with her.
- You know how women are.
- Yeah.
You got the right idea, really.
Live separately.
I'd miss her and Scotty too much.
This is making me hot.
- What's her name again?
- I'm not sure.
Could look it up in my records.
I've got all this stuff.
The bush on her. Wouldn't go
near that without a flashlight.
I did.
What is it about women, Carpy?
They tell you one thing...
...then they get you and
they change their minds. It's...
Can't live with 'em,
can't live without 'em.
You know, truer words
were never spoken.
Can't live with 'em...
Can't kill 'em.
I think this is Seattle.
No. Dallas.
Look at the dcor.
The Western picture.
Tits on her.
Yeah.
My God, the building's on fire!
Look at all those police cars
and photographers!
Photographers? Oh, my God,
the mayor's there too!
- Do you see my wife out there?
- What does she look like?
I don't remember!
Carpy?
Yeah?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's great up here.
Last night? Zilch.
But there's actually a story there.
A society babe.
I did her friend.
She was all hot to go and then
she got the heebie-jeebies.
When are you coming out?
Excuse me.
Mind switching that to channel nine?
I want to check something out.
That's the guy from that TV show.
Look, there he is...
I'm going to talk to him. Watch.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm sorry to bother you.
I was sitting over there...
...and I noticed the TV and I...
Well, is that you?
- On the TV, is that...?
- Oh, my gosh!
That is embarrassing. I didn't even
know it was on. I'm Bob Crane.
I know. I thought so.
Bob Crane.
Gosh, it's nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too...
- Susan.
- Susan. All right.
- I loved your TV show.
I appreciate that. I'm just in town
here to do a little bit of theatre.
- I just wanted to say hi.
- Sure. Can I get you something?
Another drink? An autograph?
A nude swim?
Bob!
You know, I'm a real photo nut.
How long are you girls in town?
Carp. Look at this.
You want a club sandwich?
This editing hookup's fantastic. I can
even cut together cartoons for Scotty.
No, I'm not hungry. Watch this.
Here's Bobby!
On The Morning Show
with us today, Bob Crane.
- Hey. You made this?
- Yeah, with your equipment!
It's like the old stuff
we used to do back in radio.
Know how sometimes you put a flub
in the show? Audiences crack up.
It's so funny.
The girls, sometimes they're
uncomfortable with the video.
Now we show them an edit,
get them laughing and boom!
They love sex. They're just
looking for an excuse.
- You want something to drink?
- Women should have...
...a letter from the pope,
says, " If I sleep with you...
...my boyfriend won't come after you."
Know what I mean?
- I talked to Nick Murphy in Houston.
- Yeah, how'd that go?
We're all set for Monday night with the
swinging thing. You know, it's strange.
Dallas is a great town for babes.
But for swinging, nothing.
You know what's a great city for
dominance? Atlanta. Don't ask me why.
I made this for you.
That's good.
Simply scrumptious!
It's not very nice to try
and trick Mother Nature.
That's not funny, Bob.
Carp, come on!
Don't tell me funny. I know funny...
...and that's funny!
- No, it's not.
It's fucking Laugh-In!
That's Rowan and Martin.
- After all I've done for you.
- What do you mean?
The equipment,
coming when you called...
...running errands,
setting up the swinging parties...
Do you hear yourself? What are
you...? All you've done for me?
What are you talking about? How the
fuck do you think you get these broads?
You think you show up and say,
"Hey, I'm John Carpenter. Fuck me."
They're with you because of me. They
don't want you, they want Bob Crane.
So if you don't mind, please lay off
the "all I've done for you" speech.
- Mr. Crane?
- Oh, yeah!
- Hey, Mr. Crane!
- Do you want an autograph?
You've been served.
Welcome to Celebrity Cooks.
My name is Bruno Gerussi.
Today we'll be cooking with Colonel
Hogan himself, Mr. Bob Crane!
Thanks, Bruno.
It's a pleasure to be here.
Wonderful to see you.
Now, what has Hogan been up to?
Pretty much the same old thing. Still
trying to pull the wool over Klink's eyes.
And trying to get into Hilda's pants.
Actually, I did get into her pants,
I married her. But...
Now she's divorcing me,
so that's not worked out.
But I will be next month
in Long Beach...
...performing a show called
Beginner's Luck.
Wonderful! So, Bob, what recipe
have you brought us today?
It is a pasta dish.
With chicken and fettuccine,
they tell me.
I don't... That's what they
told me to say, anyway.
Sounds delicious.
You got a balloon-smuggler
here in the audience today.
You got a license
to carry those things?
Little tip on how to remove the wrinkles
from your face: Take off your bra.
Calm down.
Boo! Calm down.
They'll cut all this stuff out. They
edit it and they take all this stuff out.
Nice enough girl till she figured out
the fuzzy thing she's sitting on...
...could make her some money.
- You all right?
I'm fine. It's actually called a Chicken
Fettuccine la Crane, is my dish.
- We can take a break if you want.
- No, I'm fine.
I'm a complete professional. I just can't
get over the size of those knockers.
- Look, here come the ingredients now.
- Yes!
Wonderful.
The noodles!
Bob.
You surprised me. Come in.
Close the door, will you?
Sit.
You need anything?
Sit.
So, what's on your mind?
Just passing through.
Some things never change.
How's the theatre? Our...
The boys are helping you, right?
- I got eight months lined up, thank you.
- That's a nice little moneymaker.
You should know.
How's the family? The kids all right?
- Patti and I broke up.
- Yeah, I heard.
She hates me.
And she threw stuff at me.
Ashtrays, a videocassette. She cut
my lip here. I had to have stitches.
I was wondering if you'd
set some meetings up.
Get in circulation. A game show.
Do you remember the reaction
I got on Password?
I know Password is, you know,
not on the air anymore...
...but maybe Hollywood Squares.
You know? Something just to...
...get into the public's eye.
Don't look like that. Hey!
I'm not talking about
Paul Lynde's square.
- Any square is fine.
- We've talked about this.
The image problem.
If I sent you out again, I'd have to be
able to tell people you're a new man.
Well, tell them sex is normal.
It's good for you. I'm normal.
People got these hang-ups.
Do you know that there's actually
people out there who avoid me now?
This is a nice one.
I'm the friendly guy.
I'm the mediator.
My brother and father...
Goddamn, they hated each other.
You know?
- I'm the good son.
- Hey, I'm not a counsellor.
I'm feeling very awkward
being put in this situation.
There's one thing I know.
Bob, people don't change
unless they want to.
I want to.
A drunk can't get sober and hang
around his old drinking buddies.
It doesn't work that way, kid.
Excuse me.
- Yeah.
- Your 4:00 is here.
Tell him to wait.
- You got meetings.
- No! No hurry. Sit down.
I gotta go anyway.
Come here.
I want you to know something.
I'm here for you, and I want
to help you. You understand?
Yes. I'll call you.
Good luck, kid.
Beginner's luck, right?
Bobby!
Dad?
How you doing?
- What's up?
- Hello, Mr. Crane.
I'll be inside.
Wow, she's built.
How you doing?
- Pretty good. What's up?
- What have you been up to?
- Nothing much.
- Yeah?
Patti and I are getting a divorce.
- She's busting my balls.
- Really, I don't want to get into it.
I didn't want you to hear
about it the wrong way.
Right.
I tried to call your mom.
Well, she never says
anything bad about you.
How you doing? You okay?
Where you working now?
Well, we're going
back down to Long Beach.
Then we go up to Seattle.
And down to Scottsdale.
Scottsdale, Arizona.
I was thinking about
orange the other day.
The colour.
You take it for granted, right?
The colour orange.
But what is it, really?
- The colour?
- Yeah.
But that's it. Just tell me,
what is orange?
- I don't know.
- That's my point. You take it for granted.
You don't think about stuff like that.
It's just there.
Did John get you
that camera stuff you wanted?
Yeah.
Yeah, finally.
- He can be a real drag.
- Yeah, Mom thinks he's a creep.
Yeah.
We'll see.
We'll see.
Gotta make some changes.
Anne.
No, no, don't hang up.
What do you mean, Debbie
doesn't come to the phone?
I ran into Bobby the other day.
I wanted to tell you.
No, no, hey... Hey.
Annie?
Annie?
Annie!
Patti, it's an hour earlier in L.A.
It is.
I'm so sorry about what happened
with Scotty's drawings at school, but...
No...
I've agreed to the counselling.
I'm offering you 50l50!
That's fair. That's...
That's more than fair.
I'm trying to be decent.
Well, I don't have that much money!
And don't call me
in my dressing room anymore.
That is where I prepare.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Patti?
Okay, we'll talk then.
Back straight. Chest up.
Chin up. Smile.
"Your drink, key-holder."
- How's your room?
- It's okay.
I'm at the Sunburst.
How are rehearsals going?
That bitch.
What's wrong?
Why did I get married, Carp?
Once, you can understand.
I got married twice.
Patti showed up with Scotty.
- Yeah?
- No warning.
Just popped in town
to fuck with Bob's head.
My lawyer called.
She told him that Scotty has written
"Fuck Daddy" on a wall somewhere.
In the divorce papers, she says
that I showed him X-rated videos.
Did you?
I was editing.
He might've seen something.
It's how it looks, John, you know?
- To the press.
- Right.
You can't give people a chance...
...to put you down.
- You know what I'm saying?
- I do.
You know...
...maybe you should go back to radio.
- You love radio.
- You heard radio lately?
It's attacks on the president of the U.S.
Jokes.
- Yeah.
- Filthy jokes. They're very dirty.
- Rock. It's not my bag.
- You know, I'm just trying to help, Bob.
I'm your friend.
You're my only friend, John.
What time is it?
It's 7:30.
- We should go.
- I gotta change. Where we going?
Surf or turf?
Surf...
...and turf! Come on!
Yeah, Big Daddy.
Carpy?
John?
That you?
Word is, colonel, there's
going to be a surprise inspection.
I don't know about you, but if
there's gonna be an inspection...
...I got things to hide.
My God, the building's on fire!
Look at all those police cars
and photographers.
Photographers?
Oh, my God, there's the mayor too!
Is my wife down there?
What does she look like?
I don't remember!
She's a fox.
Look at the caboose on her.
A day without sex...
...is a day wasted.
- Is a day wasted. Yeah.
This place is dead.
Well, we still got time
to hit a strip joint.
Yeah, we need to talk.
I don't like the sound of that.
That's what a chick says
when she's gonna lower the boom.
Thinking about getting out.
Of what?
Whole scene.
- Whole what scene?
- The dinner theatre.
- All the rest.
- Excuse me. I'm confused.
The road. The hustling.
The broads. The whole thing.
You mean me.
I'm part of the whole thing?
Well, without the dinner theatre,
we'd see each other less.
I want to restart my career.
You're kidding, right?
- Well, what about my equipment?
- Good news.
You can keep it. I'll buy my own.
You're gonna buy a Betacam, right?
Nobody needs John Carpenter.
You just buy a Betacam.
Tommy Smothers bought Betacam.
Dick Martin. And now you.
- What about me?
- You'll be okay.
We got a good thing going,
Big Daddy. Why ruin it?
You'll be all right.
I see. I'm like Anne and Patti.
You find a better deal,
and dump me.
I'm sick of scoring broads
for you, okay?
There. I said it.
What am I, a drag?
A drag on your career?
Who's always been there for you?
When you were moping?
"Oh, John, John,
nobody wants to hire me!"
Flying around the country.
Hauling your shit from the airport.
Taking seconds!
I'm a drag? Well,
you're a fucking loser.
- Bob Crane's a loser!
- I ain't a loser!
Bob Crane ain't a loser.
You brought Bob Crane down!
- Bob Crane is a good guy!
- Bob, let's not do this.
Please.
John, you're my friend.
Okay?
You'll always be my friend.
Shit. I'm supposed to call Carolyn.
About the Jacuzzi party.
- Hello?
- Hey, it's John.
- How's it going?
- All right.
- You alone?
- Yeah.
You didn't score?
Man, I'm in my damn shorts.
How about you?
Negative. I had to drive her
halfway out to nowhere.
- What happened?
- She said, "No way."
Well, what do you mean?
She wouldn't let me
come to her place.
She wouldn't come to my place.
- Boy, I don't need that.
- Christ!
Bob?
You know, I was thinking...
You know...
...if I said anything
earlier tonight that...
- Don't worry about it.
- Well, you know, I...
- Did you think about it?
- What's that?
You know. What we talked about.
You know, what we talked about.
Yeah, I need to take a break.
I just, you know,
this thing with Patti. All of it.
I need a break.
I need a break, I need a break.
You know, I'm sorry.
You'll change your mind.
I'll change my mind?
Are you deaf?
What the fuck's wrong with you?
Kaput. All right?
We're still friends, right?
You need a ride tomorrow
to the airport?
I got a luncheon at noon.
- John?
- Don't bother.
- Just don't fucking bother.
- Okay.
Don't get all worked up.
I gotta get some sleep.
- Bob?
- I'll give you a call sometime, Carpy.
The investigation
was not well handled.
Scottsdale was a small town
back then.
They suspected Carpy,
but didn't prosecute.
Not a solid case, they said.
This was before DNA.
Fourteen years later, a new district
attorney brought him up for trial.
John told them, "He was my friend.
Why would I kill him?"
Evidence had been lost,
memories faded.
He was acquitted.
Four years later,
he died of a heart attack.
I can't blame him.
He was a cool guy, in his way.
That's how it is.
Men gotta have fun.
folks. And if you believe that...
No, that's yours truly on the skins.
Sometimes wish I was Gene Krupa.
- I think I was born in a different era.
- Robert Crane. Robert...
Enough! This is KNX-CBS, 1070
on the AM dial, 93.1 on the FM dial.
Enough! This is KNX-CBS, 1070
on the AM dial, 93.1 on the FM dial.
It is beautiful in Hollywood,
they tell me. 72 degrees outside...
...9:25 on the KNX clock...
Yes, Jack! I know!
I'll get to him.
That's Jackie Chapman,
our engineer, knocking.
Jack will be appearing later
today at the Ralphs market...
...in the fresh fruit section,
if I'm not mistaken.
As regular listeners know,
from time to time...
...we have special guests,
and today, somebody truly special.
Mr. Clayton Moore,
the Lone Ranger, right over here!
And I've always wanted
to do this with you...
- Hi-yo, Silver. Away!
- I never get tired of that.
Do people recognize you
when you're out in public?
No. No, not really.
Can we get you to expose
yourself today on radio?
- Mask off? Reveal your identity?
- For you, Bob, sure.
Coming up next, a KNX first. We've
got the Lone Ranger, and he's naked!
- Don't tell Tonto.
- No, of course not.
First, a word from our sponsor,
Lucky Strike cigarettes.
I always wanted
to make an impression.
You know the type.
There's one in every class.
The cutup. Eddie Cantor once told
me like ability is 90% of the battle...
...and he was right.
Well, that's me.
I'm a likable guy.
Bob, sit!
Please?
I'm emceeing a lunch in an hour.
Humour me.
- Those the contracts I need to sign?
- Sit!
Your ears would've been
burning this morning.
I had breakfast with
the boys from CBS.
Got something very interesting.
This could be what you're looking for.
- What?
- A television series!
- Goodbye, Lenny.
- Listen to me. Stop running, will you?
I thought you were gonna get me
a Jack Lemmon role.
A feature. It's a critical time for me.
I need something big.
I can be Jack Lemmon.
You are Jack Lemmon.
And Jack Benny.
- Then get me a role.
- That's what this is!
Lemmon and Benny combined.
They want you for the lead.
Just promise me
you'll keep an open mind.
You ready?
It's set in a German prison camp.
- It's a drama?
- No! That... It's a comedy.
Oh, with the funny Nazis.
- It's a POW camp.
- With a laugh track?
Hey. This is first-class
all the way, my friend.
Bing Crosby Productions doing it.
Sounds like it could be
a career-killer.
Just read it?
He suffered under Pontius Pilate,
was crucified, died and was buried.
He descended to the dead.
On the third day, he rose again.
He ascended into heaven and is
seated at the right hand of the Father.
He will come again to judge
the living and the dead.
- You need a little bit of this.
- There you go, Bobby.
I think it's perfect for me.
I mean this character, Hogan...
...he's quick on his toes,
he's hip, he's a con artist.
I think it's what I've been
working toward my whole career.
You've been working
towards Holocaust comedy?
- Anne!
- What, Bob?
Not in front of the children.
They look up to me.
They're small.
They look up to everyone.
- That's funny. I gotta use that.
- Bob, for 15 years...
...l've followed you from job to job.
I'm your number one supporter.
I believe in you. But you expect
me to keep quiet when I see you...
...about to do something
that could ruin your career?
No, not me! Oh, no!
Help! Help!
Those are the right words...
All right, honey. You're right.
Family comes first.
I guess it's more important
than some TV show.
You really like the script?
It runs circles around
the other stuff I've been offered.
I know.
I read it.
You did?
It's funny.
Are you saying what
I think you're saying?
You'll quit KNX?
First I'll do both, like we did on
Donna Reed, but if it works...
Well, Donna Reed was part-time.
I just hope I can pull it off.
Hogan's in almost every scene.
You worry. You always worry,
but in the end you succeed.
Easy for you to say.
Hello, Henry.
Now, we're all professionals here.
You've all been working on your
characters, each with his own slant.
We have to keep in mind
this is a gang comedy.
It's funny to the extent the gang
is funny. Like an athletic team.
A great quarterback
without his offensive line...
...ain't gonna complete a pass.
Did you hear about the
Greek quarterback...
...who hated to leave
his buddies behind?
I think we get the point.
Let's pick up with Klink and Hogan.
The great disciplinarian...
...knows when to reward
and when to punish.
Now, my leniency
is a legend, right?
Wrong. You've got a reputation
to uphold, colonel.
You know that. I mean,
you're running the most brutal...
...prison camp in all of Germany!
Okay.
Let's back up.
Bob, don't try so hard.
You're the hero of the show.
It's named after you.
And heroes don't try and be
heroes, they simply are. Okay?
Let's do it again. Same place.
The great disciplinarian knows...
- when to reward and when to punish.
Now, my leniency is a legend, right?
- Wrong.
- What do you mean?
You've got a reputation
to uphold, colonel.
You are running the most brutal
prison camp in all of Germany.
- I am?
- In the world! You're ranked third...
...behind Devil's Island and Alcatraz.
- Good.
And you're the toughest
Kommandant.
In the last war it was "Kill the Kaiser."
Today it's "Kill Klink."
"Kill Klink." I like that.
Mel Rosen. I do a little radio show
out of the Quad Cities.
I've actually heard
good things about that.
- Coming from you, that's high praise.
- You gotta give me a tape for that.
- Something to drink?
- A grapefruit juice.
- With vodka?
- No, straight. Last of the straight men.
I'll have another Tom Collins.
Doing a show on the new TV season.
Never pass up one of these junkets.
- Well, I'm with you there.
- So this new show...
I loved you on Donna Reed,
by the way.
It's set in a concentration camp.
A comedy?
Prisoner of war camp.
Yeah, it's got all your typical comedy
elements: Gestapo, police dogs.
So I guess if you
liked World War II...
...you're gonna love Hogan's Heroes.
- No, let's not...
- Actually, I got what I want.
Mel, what...?
I thought you were a fellow entertainer.
I'm also a Jew.
It's the same thing.
Thank you.
Are one of those for me?
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Bob! Look what I found.
- Hiya.
- Hiya.
This TV reviewer, he just...
I don't mean to offend anybody.
Forget it. Do you see this spread?
Yeah, I gotta hand it to CBS.
They did it for one reason:
The affiliates have seen the pilot.
They love it.
- You play Hogan, don't you?
- I sure do. You want an autograph?
- I've got autographs.
- Darling, you just stop that.
Mr. Crane is a happily married man.
You wanted to see my room, right?
It's right this way.
Did you catch the radio show
this morning? Guess who was on.
Were you listening?
Johnny Winters.
I swear, he's gotta be the funniest
human being ever born.
Honey?
What's wrong?
Why do we have shady magazines
hidden in our garage?
Those? Those are...
- You know, photography magazines.
- Gent? Caught?
I'm a photo nut, Annie, so...
Nature Girls 1965?
They're harmless.
- No wonder you never look at me.
- Would you stop that?
Listen, I'm out the door every morning
at 5:30. I'm not home until after dark.
You see how hard I'm working?
- Are you seeing another woman?
- Absolutely not.
I want those magazines
out of the house.
Yeah, I'll throw them away.
- I've seen them before. I just ignored it.
- All right, I get the message.
Bad enough I've gotta hide them
like some teenager.
Well, what did you have in mind?
Putting them on the coffee table
for our guests to see?
I apologize.
- Maybe we should see Father Donnelly.
- No, it's our business.
Family business.
We'll keep it at home.
You're never home. I just thought
when you started shooting Hogan's...
...that this would change things.
- It will, darling. Trust me. It will.
Hogan's Heroes premiered
September 17, 1965...
...8:30 on Friday night.
When the Nielsen ratings
were released...
...Hogan's, out of 98 prime-time shows,
finished number five.
Of the new shows,
it was number one.
I've always had
an extraordinary amount of luck.
Being in the right place
at the right time.
There was some controversy
the first few months, but it died away.
Mondays we blocked the show.
Tuesdays we did exteriors.
Wednesdays and Thursdays
we did interiors.
Friday we'd have a table reading
of the next week's script.
Weekends we called each other
and went over everything. I loved it.
Give me a vacation,
and three days later I'm going crazy.
Not another power outage.
No, sir. I'm installing Richard's
new high-fidelity unit.
- In his trailer here?
- I can wire anything.
- Yeah?
- You got a second?
Let me show you something.
I designed this myself. Listen.
Pretty groovy, huh?
- I'm Bob Crane.
- John. John Carpenter.
Well, I've never been much into hi-fi.
- Photography's always been my thing.
- I'm with you.
If you like photography,
you'll love VTRs.
- "VTRs"?
- Videotape recorders.
Magnetic coding, like audio tape.
Same principle, only with pictures.
Sony, Ampex, Panasonic,
they're all developing VTRs.
- Hi, Bob.
- Hey, Robert. So this is like your...?
I sort of freelance.
I work with Sonycom from Japan...
...helping them introduce
helical-scan VTRs.
I sold Dawson the third VTR
in the U.S.
- Sold one to LBJ, Elvis.
- Yeah?
Showed him how to use it. Nice cat.
Back in 15 minutes, Bob.
Shoot, gotta run.
- Nice meeting you.
- All right.
Carpenter.
- "FBI."
- Full-blooded Indian.
Well, actually, half-blooded.
Here, take my card.
Dawson and I are hooking up
over at Salome's later...
...if you want to come and join us.
- I actually prom...
- You'd like it. It's a nice joint.
- House band. Strippers.
- Well...
Hey, mate. How's it coming?
You're all set up, big daddy.
Eight watts of pumping power.
Hear that? I just got
the best bloody hi-fi on this lot.
I gotta run.
Salome's.
- Colonel! How's it hanging?
- Can't complain.
Glad you could make it.
Richard. I brought you
a call sheet for tomorrow.
I already got one.
Let me get you something to drink.
- I'll have a grapefruit juice.
- Come on, Bob, don't be such a prick.
Miss Kitty.
Miss Kitty! Let's give her a big
Hollywood hand, ladies and gentlemen.
We'll take a break,
let the band drain their nozzles...
...so be right back.
Terrific dancer, baby.
I love what you do.
- Colonel Hogan?
- Can we help you?
- You want an autograph?
- Yeah, sure, thanks. Okay.
My name's Nickie D.
I'm the drummer here.
You're on that show too, aren't you?
You play the British guy.
I used to listen to your show every
morning back when I had a real job.
Was that really you
playing the drums on the radio?
- Sure it was. You think I was faking?
- You did a lot of kidding.
Not about that.
You want to sit in?
As a special treat,
sitting in on drums...
...Colonel Robert Hogan from the hit
TV series Hogan's Heroes, Bob Crane!
Come on, let's hear it!
Kommandant, bring out
the little strudel. What do you say?
Come on! Angela, from Lubbock!
Thanks for meeting me like this, Father.
It must seem unusual.
Not at all.
We haven't seen you in a while.
I'm sorry. I'll be at Mass tomorrow
with Anne and the kids.
This TV show,
you wouldn't believe the hours.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
Everybody's life has its unique
demands. I'm glad you called.
- Thank you.
- So, what's on your mind?
Just the show, you know.
We work late.
When you get off,
you're all sort of jazzed up.
So I've been playing my drums,
you know, just to sort of wind down.
I've been playing
at various, you know...
...strip clubs.
Joints.
Would you be more comfortable
in the confessional?
Just wanted to talk.
Of course. Of course.
So does Anne know?
About the clubs? No.
No, but I think
it's obvious I've been...
I can't believe it!
...coming home later.
Mr. Crane, I am such a fan.
- I just wondered, could l...?
- A picture together? You bet.
And your name is?
- Oh, I forgot.
- You forgot your name?
- Not that. Julie.
- Julie, all right.
Right over here. "Schmile."
- There you go.
- Thank you.
Okay. Thank you.
Sorry about that, Father.
Where were we?
You and Anne.
It's not easy to resist temptation.
One has to remove oneself
from the occasion of sin.
You can't keep...
Listen. I know several musicians.
We play from time to time.
I'm no Bill Evans,
but I can keep up on keyboard.
Maybe we should
play together sometime.
After work.
Thank you. Yeah, that's...
It's a good idea.
- I love what you do.
- Thank you.
Bob? Bob.
That was great.
You don't remember, do you?
I'll give you a hint.
- Carpenter. John Carpenter.
- Right.
- How are they hanging?
- Pretty tight, my man.
I've been looking for you.
This is John Carpenter.
He's like the James Bond
of video nuts.
Anybody wants the new stuff,
they gotta talk to him. This is Elaine.
- What a pretty name.
- Thank you.
- And Emily.
- Pleasure.
So, what's happening?
Where's the action tonight?
We were talking about grabbing
a bite to eat over at Arthur J's.
No, no, no, let's go to my pad.
You wouldn't believe this new equipment
they sent me. It'll blow your mind.
Light hits this layer and stores
a charged density pattern on it...
...which is scanned with an electron
beam. So the resulting signal...
...is sent by cable
to where it's recorded on tape.
The helical-scan method of the VTR
issues proper magnetic coding...
...so picture quality is always secure.
- I've never seen anything like this.
- Of course not.
That's the point. It's a prototype.
- That stereo over there.
- Yeah?
- Does it play music?
- Of course.
- Tonight?
- Of course.
Do you got any jazz?
- Name it.
- You got Procol Harum?
- I got Four Tops.
- Close enough.
Bob?
You wanna freshen the girls' drinks?
Bob.
Which one do you want?
- What do you mean?
- These girls are ready to get it on.
And you're the man,
so I figure you get first choice.
I don't really care.
If it's all the same to you,
I'll hit on the blond.
Copasetic?
Copasetic.
They're beautiful, right?
I'm gonna...
I'll have another hit of that vodka.
- Can I get you another drink?
- I'm not done with this one yet.
John tells me you used
to be a Bunny.
- Can you do the Bunny Dip?
- Can I do the Bunny Dip? Watch this.
- What's the matter? Don't you like me?
- No, it's not that.
I'm married.
So am I.
And I'm a one-woman man.
Hogan, you crack me up.
- No, it's...
- Well, I'm not Colonel Klink...
...or that other dummk opf.
What's his name? The fat one.
You can't pull that crap on me.
What's this?
A prop, I suppose.
What do you want?
Colonel Hogan, I want you
to nail me to the fucking wall.
Whatever you want.
Anything.
Can we leave the lights on?
- Danke for the stockings, colonel.
- Don't tell anybody there's a war on.
Herr Kommandant,
Colonel Hogan to see you.
The second season,
Cynthia Lynn, who played Helga...
...was replaced by Patti Olsen,
screen name Sigrid Valdis.
The character's name was Hilda.
Herr Kommandant,
Colonel Hogan to see you.
Kommandant, you wanted to see me?
Yes, Hogan, I have a very serious
matter to discuss with you.
I know everything
that happened last night.
- You do?
- You don't fool me for one moment.
Well, I know that, sir. Cigar?
Hogan!
Cut! Terrific.
All right, let's move on.
- That was very nice.
- Made me laugh.
Jeff, what do you think? Let's
swing around and do the other side?
- Nervous? That was great.
- I feel like a bad actress.
- Oh, my gosh, it was so good. Really.
- Thanks.
Everyone's so nice.
It's like a family.
Yeah, well, it depends what kind
of family you come from.
- Okay, come on, come on.
- Okay, you guys, you guys!
- Okay, go.
- All right. Okay. Cheese!
Completing the second season,
Hogan's was rated 17 th by the Nielsens.
I'm Bob Crane's manager,
and we're having a little party later...
...and I was wondering
if you ladies would like to come.
A party with Bob Crane?
We'd love to.
You know who I'm talking about.
It's Klink's secretary.
- Helga?
- No, it's Hilda.
- She's got real beauty.
- Tighten up your pants?
- Yeah, but she's special, you know?
- They all are.
She's real. Not uptight.
You know what I mean?
- Here they are, Big Daddy.
- Quick, what are their names again?
- Jill and Judy.
- Jill and Judy.
Chicks these days, it's like
they throw out all the rules.
I might be in love.
Which is which?
Jill's the blond,
Judy's the other one.
I'm going for the blond.
Bob, I had her all set up.
- I'm going for the blond.
- Bob, I've been working on her.
Brunette's not my type.
I'm sure you'll make do.
Come on.
Okay.
- Ladies!
- Hey, how are you?
- Hi. Jill, right?
- Jill, yeah.
- Jill, John.
- Bob Crane.
- Judy?
- Yeah, Judy. Nice to meet you.
Welcome.
So this is the party?
Colonel, apparently some
of the new recruits...
...are complaining
about the barracks again.
Hogan!
He does that just right.
Yeah!
You are so photogenic.
That's great! That's great!
I love that thing you do.
Hold on, hold on. I gotta get that.
- Take it off! Take it off!
- Fabulous. Set those puppies free.
- That's great.
- Go, Jill!
Carpy, more film!
That's fabulous.
That's fabulous. Really.
I didn't even know this thing was on.
I didn't want to freak you.
Give you...
- What, performance anxiety.
- I do my best work in front of a camera.
- I do mine behind.
- This is fabulous.
Where have you been all my life?
You do this for Dawson?
You don't like him, do you?
He tried for the lead, it went to me,
so he snips at me.
Little Brit fag cracks.
"Trouble with your lines, love?"
You know, always trying
to undercut me.
Jesus, look at her go.
You're gonna have to choose, Carp.
- It's him or it's me.
- Look, Bob.
She's giving you head.
We're gonna have to burn this tape.
How much did you say one
of these things costs?
Flowers 3 times a week is one thing,
but isn't this extravagant?
Wait till you see it.
- How does it work?
- You gotta see this thing. Carpy.
It doesn't bite. Just don't touch
these wires right here.
Okay.
Carpy says, "Don't touch."
Well, what will we do with it?
Home movies.
Smile! Come on, give me a smile.
Everybody give me a wave.
- I wanna get this side also.
- Thank you.
No, please. Bob!
Come on, I'm washing the dishes.
- I don't wanna be photographed.
- Look at that dress. I love that, honey.
All right, give me one more shot.
Here we go. One, two, big dance!
- Look at that.
- This is amazing.
- You just shot this today.
- Yeah, it's not like film.
With video,
there's no film processing.
We are light years ahead
of everybody.
Look at that.
It's like the Polaroid of home movies.
Herr Kommandant,
Colonel Hogan to see you.
Well, he did beat out
a million other sperm.
Think about that.
- Guess it's kind of hard to fathom.
- Yeah.
- You're so easy to talk to.
- It's because I speak English, Sigrid.
- Call me Patricia.
- Patricia.
Sigrid is my stage name.
To you, I'm Patricia.
And what brought you back to L.A.?
The usual things: A broken marriage.
Cheers to that.
Tired of being a housewife, you know?
So you came back here
where you can play one instead?
Something like that.
What about you, Hogan?
What are your dreams?
Besides drumming with Buddy Rich?
I dream about finding
somebody who gets me...
...who I am.
We're in the show together.
We have to keep up
the appearance of respectability.
I can be very respectable.
You're not really hungry, are you?
I'm gonna get the check.
Yeah.
We're a Christian publication,
Mr. Crane.
Please. It's Bob.
So this is a little outside our
normal terrain. We usually don't do...
...Hollywood interviews,
what with the divorces and whatnot.
- Sure.
- That's why we're interested in you.
You've been married to your
high-school sweetheart for 16 years.
- Fifteen, actually.
- Fifteen years.
How do you do it? What's your secret?
Three words:
Don't... make... waves.
As every sailor knows,
when one set of waves meets...
...another set of waves
it can set up some chop.
And when three sets of waves
come together, it can make...
...for some mighty rough sailing.
It also helps sometimes
to have a harmless safety valve.
Because when I get tense,
I blow off steam.
And so when it comes
to my own family...
...I don't make waves.
That's inspirational.
You're a fortunate man.
Yes.
Yes, I am.
- You want me to run lines with you?
- No, I got it.
Is there anything
you want to talk about?
About what?
Neither of us has said anything,
but we both know.
Know what?
- We never spend any time alone.
- What do you call this?
Tense.
- Distant.
- Oh, you're being ridiculous.
Come on.
I didn't mean that. I just think
you're overreacting a little bit.
It's been a while
since we've done anything.
Or has work sapped all your energy?
My goodness, she was built.
- Mindy.
- Mandy. Mandy!
We should name a ride after her.
- Loop-de-Loop.
- Tilt-A-Whirl.
Watching these home movies
gets me so damn hot.
- They're videos, Bob. Videos.
- I got a hard-on the size of Florida.
- What was that?
- What?
Rewind the tape.
Just rewind it.
Okay. Okay, just play it from there.
Play it right there.
- What's that on my ass?
- What?
Freeze it. Can you do that?
Not for long.
The image becomes unstable.
Freeze it right there!
What the hell is that on my ass?
That is my hand.
- Rubbing my ass?
- So what?
Your fingers are up my cheeks.
What you doing in there?
It's an orgy, Bob.
So you can just touch my ass?
I thought you liked it.
- I thought it was her! God!
- What's the difference?
The difference? You got
your fingers up my asshole!
Sorry.
Fuck you very much.
Bob, I said I'm sorry.
It's a group grope!
You got your fingers up
around my ass!
We were just having fun.
- You know what? You're a perv.
- What?
You're a fucking pervert.
Is that clear enough?
- A feygele. Does that make sense?
- Bob, I'm sorry.
You know what? Hey!
I'll see you next time, Carpy.
Never!
Well, now, I guess,
is as good a time as any.
Thank you all for coming.
Since the introduction of the
CV 2000, we've been working...
...toward the development
of a colour videotape recorder.
Mr. Carpenter,
our Los Angeles representative...
...has a demonstration.
This system will demonstrate
what lies in store.
John, get the lights, please?
I knew it was in colour, but just one?
John, lights.
We are experiencing
a little technical problem.
If you'd excuse us just a second.
There's hot coffee
and fresh Danish next door.
It'll only be a few minutes,
I promise.
Thank you. Thanks.
What's happened?
I don't know. I set everything
according to specs.
Well, fix it.
Looks fine to me.
It's green.
It's fucking green!
You really can't tell, can you?
You're fucking colour-blind.
- I'll fix it.
- Goddamn you!
I've got execs from Tokyo, every
network, and you pull a stunt like this?
- John, leave.
- I'm fired?
- Yeah. Get out.
- You can't do that.
It's done.
I've got the contacts.
Who do you think
got you the celebrities?
I sold Vidicons to Tommy Smothers,
Dick Martin, Bob Crane.
I sold a VTR to Elvis!
Do I need to call security?
One, two, three! I didn't think
she was gonna get that last one.
Oh, what a beautiful cake!
Is it supposed to do that?
It's broken.
Six months?
Can you refer me to somebody?
Right. All right.
Well, thank you.
John, it's Bob.
Yeah, I'm fine.
Yeah, how are you?
Oh, that's funny.
Well, the problem is, we've had a little
trouble with the VTR over here, and...
I know.
No, I know you're busy.
Of course.
I completely understand.
I thought maybe if you could...
...you know, squeeze us in.
You work on this?
Well, I...
It's the video head drum.
You can't fix it with Scotch tape,
you know.
Is it serious?
No, I should be able to put
another one in there pretty quick...
...as long as nothing else is fucked up.
I really appreciate you coming over.
I tell anybody who asks:
"You need video equipment,
you see John Carpenter."
Dad!
- I'll be right there, honey!
- Bob?
I'm real sorry about
what went down at my place.
You're not still mad?
- I appreciate you coming over.
- Bob!
I'm not a fag.
About Dawson...
...I told him I was getting
too busy to see him much.
You did?
How'd he take it?
What choice did he have?
You're my number one man, Bob!
Copasetic?
Copasetic.
Good.
Because, if you're into it,
one of my clients is having...
...a party up in the hills on Friday.
Lots of ladies. A hippie thing.
Could be fun.
Come on!
Come on in.
Wow.
That's fun.
- Yes.
- Yeah!
- How's your show?
- Show's going really, real well.
Excuse me.
- Man, I loved your radio show.
- Yeah?
It was so cool,
you know, for its time.
- I used to listen every morning.
- Thank you.
- Can I get an autograph?
- Sure.
Will you sign me right here?
Thanks, Colonel Hogan.
Chinese, they'll just march right in.
- You know what I'm saying?
- Give peace a chance.
- What are you gonna do about it?
- Relax.
John!
- Whatever.
- We're guests.
I fought for my country.
Look at the jugs on her.
Carp? Get a load of this.
No, no, that's good. I like that.
Here we go.
Beautiful. Beautiful.
Want to try one of those
"schmile" pictures we talked about?
- Okay.
- Why not, huh?
We'll just...
There we go. And all set?
Ready.
- Schmile!
- Schmile!
Really great.
I'm a normal,
red-blooded American man.
I like to look at naked women.
I love breasts. Any kind. I love them.
Boobs, bazooms,
balloons, bags, bazongas.
The bigger, the better.
Nipples like udders, nipples like
saucers. Big pale, rosy-brown nipples.
Little bitty baby nipples.
Real or fake, what's the difference?
I like tits.
Who's kidding who?
Tits are great.
- There you are.
- Thank you.
Well, I just...
So you... You actually
went to Las Vegas with the...
- You can't even say his name?
- Well...
Come on. I told you I was going.
Sure, but I didn't think
you were really gonna do it.
Bob, honey, you're already married.
She doesn't understand this life.
She'd rather be back in Connecticut.
She's not a Hollywood person,
you know?
She's so good. She's like a...
A saint?
Come on, don't let her do that to you.
You are a good man.
What about the press?
The public reaction.
We've got nothing to be ashamed of.
You know, Ed actually suggested
we get married on the set.
CBS would love it.
Publicity.
Hey, remember what you said to me
the first time we had dinner together?
Yeah, that I was fluent in English.
You said you wanted to find
a woman who understands you.
I do. I do.
You know, I have to let you
in on a little secret, baby.
The other women?
I know all about them.
You're okay with that?
We only go around once in this life.
I never want to lie about
who I am and I never want you...
...to lie about who you are.
You're not gonna change.
I know who you are and I love you!
And I love fucking you!
We can have any kind
of marriage we want.
You know, it can be such a drag.
I mean, chatting up broads.
You know me.
I'm a gentleman, I don't push.
But you gotta draw her out,
get her to talk about herself...
...listen to her, act like you
give a shit to get her clothes off.
- And then, not even that.
- That's life with the ladies.
Bobby comes in with
that crooked smile...
...and gets a strike on the
frigging line every time.
- Well, Bob's gotta be careful.
- What do you mean?
I warned him.
He shows me his car full of nudie
pictures of him getting sucked off.
I said, " Bob, you're a big star.
What happens if you get
pulled over by the cops?"
He'd hit on the Virgin Mary with
Jesus standing right there if he could.
Richard, you are so bad.
Hey, what's with this new
Sony colour system?
I'm not with Sony anymore.
- I switched to Akai.
- Really?
Bob is just coming through the gate!
- It's about time.
- I better go.
- Listen. You don't need him.
- No, I better run.
I put that stuff you wanted in your
trailer. If you have any questions, call.
Hey, man.
- Good morning, Bob.
- Morning.
Clary.
Herr Hogan.
Had a late night, did we, Bob?
Armand, you do your job
and I'll do mine.
Stand aside!
Magician at work.
Take four.
And, action!
I'm serious about this, Hogan.
Well, colonel, it's not really
my responsibility, now, is it?
Hogan, I'm counting on you.
Well, I'll see what LeBeau can do.
What did you say?
Hogan, what's bothering you?
It would appear Colonel Hogan
is daydreaming again.
- What is this?
- You will tell us everything, Hogan...
...or we have ways of making you talk.
What's...? What's going on?
You will tell us now.
Well, I don't know what to do.
Patti wants to get married,
but I can't do that to Anne.
- I'd never forgive myself.
- Himmler was in a similar situation.
- What did he do?
- He sent the wife...
...and the mistress to Dachau.
- Tell me more.
All I think about all day long is sex.
Having sex.
Filming sex. Watching sex.
Hogan, that's all any of us
really think about.
Nobody else has their
own video specialist.
Video specialist?
Yeah, only mine's a fruit,
or a half-fruit, whatever it's called.
- You must send him to the Russian front!
- No! No, I can't replace him.
Sex thing, Patti thing, the fruit thing...
I don't recognize my own life anymore.
I'm ready for you, Hogan.
- What?
- It'll be a modern marriage.
Klink and Schultzie can join in too.
Come on, Hogan. Fuck me right here.
The lighting's perfect!
Go for it, Big Daddy.
I've got you covered.
Bob? What do you say?
Go ahead. Fuck her, Bob.
Go balls-deep, Pop.
No, I can't.
Klink, tell me what to do.
- What's the answer?
- The answer?
We don't have answers. We're Nazis.
Dismissed!
Dismissed, Hogan.
Dismissed, Hogan!
Hogan?
Bob!
Are you with us?
You look like you drifted off there.
Yeah. Sorry. Where were we?
Anne?
Oh.
Hey.
What a day!
I was cleaning up today...
...and I went into your darkroom.
Yeah, why'd you do that?
I saw them.
Photography studies.
There was picture after picture.
You know I sometimes play
the drums at the clubs.
How many women are there?
We need counselling...
- How many?
- Anne, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm...
Anne. Anne, Anne, I'm sorry.
Do you think the children
would be proud of you?
I'm sorry.
I pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. And Mrs. Robert Crane.
Hogan's Heroes left the airwaves
on July 4th, 1971...
...after six seasons and 186 shows.
I was determined to do right by Anne.
In the settlement,
she got the house, the car...
...and custody of the children.
Patti's pregnant.
I need work.
Sid! How are you, my friend?
What kind of roles you want
me to be looking for?
Anything.
I got a Westwood mortgage,
alimony, child support.
- I got a baby on the way.
- She got pregnant?
- I thought you said you had the...
- Vasectomy.
It leaks.
It leaks?
I need work.
I don't understand.
You were on Hogan's for six years...
...the thing was a hit.
You didn't save any money?
- This is not a good time for film roles.
- Bobby Darin!
- Yeah?
- Bobby Darin gets film roles.
Well, he's married to Sandra Dee.
- You'd have to audition.
- Whatever it takes.
I just want to leave Hogan
and the leather jacket...
...behind me for once
and for all, you know?
According to The Washington Post, while
still in office as attorney general...
...John Mitchell had personally
controlled a secret Republican fund.
Mitchell vehemently denied
any such involvement...
...and called the story ludicrous.
Vice President Agnew...
Bob, you are not a failure.
This mortgage is eating me alive.
I'm drowning in debt.
You know, I've never gone this long,
ever, I mean, without work before.
I'll get that.
Hello.
Yeah. Yeah, no,
I just got held up. Great.
It's John, isn't it?
You said we were gonna
spend tonight together.
I know. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I just gotta get out. Okay?
This thinking and dwelling on my
problems, it's driving me crazy.
- It's lonely in this house without you.
- I know. Listen.
Tomorrow night.
Tomorrow night, you and I, us.
Promise?
- Promise?
- Promise!
Bad boy! Get out!
You know what time it is?
It's fuck time.
Let's hear it for the
inimitable Miss Kitty!
Now totally nude, yeah.
And once again, our old friend
Colonel Hogan.
Robert Crane. Thanks again, Bob.
We're gonna take a little pause
for the cause. Back in 10.
Well, I was in radio for 15 years.
Six years in Bridgeport, Connecticut.
Nine here in Los Angeles.
Six years on Hogan's.
Wow. That's 20 years of solid work.
Rotten to be out of work.
You've been bad.
Yes, I have.
I know what to do with boys like you.
Stripping is a part-time thing for me.
Mostly, I'm a dominatrix.
Here, I'm Melissa.
But my real self is Mistress Victoria.
- You, you...
- You will respect Mistress Victoria.
You joking?
You tell me.
It's hard to explain, Carp.
You ever been on a roller coaster?
You know that feeling you get
when you take that first...
- You know, that plunge?
- Yeah, sure.
Well, imagine getting off while
you're zooming straight down...
...and your heart is going,
you know, thump.
Thump, thump. It's...
That's what it's like.
There's no way to compare it.
Wow.
It's dead air.
- What?
- Dead air.
It's the one thing
every disc jockey knows:
Don't get stuck with dead air.
That's what I've got.
I've worked and I've worked
and I got dead air.
I hate it.
Dinner theatre.
- You're kidding.
- Why?
- You've done summer theatre.
- That was summer theatre!
That was to keep busy, not something
to do during prime time.
Dick Van Dyke does dinner theatre.
And Jim Nabors...
Maybe I need a new agent.
Maybe you're the problem.
All right. Here's the phone.
Who do you want to call?
I've got all the numbers.
Len, that's not what I meant.
I'm not the one coming here saying
he's going crazy without work.
I'm trying to help you.
Just keep trying.
Something's gotta turn up.
- What the hell is that?
- Sounds like fire engines.
- Well, I know that.
- Oh, look, they're right on our street!
My God! The building's on fire!
And look at all the police cars
and photographers!
Photographers?
It's okay.
Photographers? Oh, look,
and there's the mayor too.
- Is my wife down there?
- What does she look like?
I can't remember.
The play was called Beginner's Luck,
a sophisticated sex comedy.
We played dinner theatres
around the country.
Patti and I performed together,
but it became clear...
...that for Scotty's sake,
she should stay in Los Angeles.
- Scotty!
- Hey, hey, hey.
Wait. Hey, hey, hey!
I got you.
Sure everything's gonna be all right?
New actress comes in this afternoon.
She knows the role. We got four days.
All right with you.
You seem so tense lately.
I'm carrying the whole production. I'm
directing, booking, working the crowd.
- You'll be home in three weeks, right?
- Unless they boo us off.
- They love you, Bob!
- Honey?
- Oh, I'm sorry, baby.
- What are you doing?
Come here.
Come on.
Everybody loves you, Bob.
Pacific Southwest Airlines
flight 287...
...is now arriving at gate 35
from Los Angeles.
- Hey!
- Big Daddy.
- Voil!
- What is that?
Videocassette. It's brand-new.
It has the reel-to-reel
inside the casing.
My God.
Any trouble with the luggage?
We're gonna need a sky cart.
That's just the thing. With women,
if they have a good sound...
- They love it.
- Patti loves it.
You know, we need a tape.
A music tape.
- Like a recording or something.
- Yeah, yeah.
- To get the chicks in the mood.
- That's a fabulous idea.
It's a fabulous idea.
It's a fabulous idea.
We have so much fun here.
We just love Columbus audiences.
We like after the show to take
a couple questions from the audience.
So let's start...
...here.
You St. Louis audiences are
fantastic. I'd be happy to sign...
...some autographs after the show.
I ask one thing:
Don't throw them out
while I'm still present.
What do y'all do for fun in Dallas?
I hear the place to be on a Thursday
night is a club called Lucky's.
So I guess that's where you'll find
me and some of the crew tonight.
If you're looking for company.
Over here! Over here!
- You all right?
- Yeah.
Hey, Bob! Bob!
Yeah?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Carpy?
- Sleeping Beauty.
- Carpy?
- Sleeping Beauty.
Where you been?
While you were catching Z's,
I, your loyal musketeer...
...was out at the porn theatre...
...shooting a copy of Deep Throat
off the screen.
- You can do that?
- I had to use your name.
I picked up some swing magazines.
This is a big town for swinging.
- We should just do it.
- What?
Just make a big-budget sex film.
You know?
Get some big star, like...
- Stella Stevens.
- She'd never do it.
Oh, hell yeah. Yeah, Carp.
Oh, yeah.
If you pay her enough.
She's an actress!
Wow. You could charge, like,
10 bucks for something like that.
Hey. Look at this.
Look at my dick.
- Look at my dick.
- I've seen your dick before.
Look closer.
- I don't want to look closer.
- Look, damn it!
See anything different?
What am I supposed to say,
it's bigger?
Is it?
Wow. You did it, didn't you?
Last time I was in L.A.
A "penile enhancement."
Wow! It's thicker!
How much did it cost?
If you're gonna be in the movies,
gotta do what you gotta do.
- Hey, a day without sex...
- Is a day wasted.
Bob Crane. Hey, Lenny.
You're kidding me.
Run it by me again?
That... No, no, no, no, that's...
That's great.
Disney's offering me a movie.
Superdad.
No, no, no, no. Just tell them
I got some commitments.
Don't blow this, Lenny.
Don't blow it. I want this job.
I need this job, okay?
No, it's fabulous! Yeah.
I'll call you later. Yeah.
Guess who's playing Superdad?
Me.
So much for our big plans.
Don't give me that look.
This is good for both of us.
- Oh, is it?
- Yeah. I'm back in play again.
The big time.
- Sweets. How are you?
- I'm fine.
Schmile.
- Let's pull it around.
- Easy.
- Lenny!
- Hey.
You came by.
It's 20 minutes.
They're turning around the lights.
You want to go in my trailer?
I got a call from Disney.
Apparently some joker
from the Enquirer...
...took pictures of you
in a topless bar.
Bob, this is Disney.
Don't fucking blow this.
I'm a family man. One woman man.
Always have been.
What about the photo albums?
Those pictures you show people.
You know, not everyone thinks
about things the way you do.
Turns people off.
And word gets around, believe me.
- Who'd I show them to?
- You show them to everybody.
Don't be a square.
Is it true you showed them to
Donna Reed and she ran out?
I may be horny, but I'm not stupid.
There could be a very
serious conflict here...
...between your lifestyle and
your career. You don't see this?
I'm normal.
Sex is not the answer.
I know that, Lenny, it's the question.
"Yes" is the answer.
I'm just saying.
Just try to be a little discreet.
All right?
Come in for a minute.
- I gotta get back to the office.
- Well, call me!
This is it.
Here we are.
Batman and Robin.
Lone Ranger and Tonto.
Hi-yo, Silver. Away!
- Come on in, guys. Join the party!
- Hey, what's going on?
- Janet! Janet!
- What's coming off?
What's going down?
All your life you're the lucky guy.
The funny guy.
Then one day it all turns.
The jokes aren't funny,
the phone doesn't ring.
You're the same, but nothing else is.
Superdad sat on the shelf
for a year...
...then flopped.
I had to beg Disney
for a cameo in another film...
...Gus, about a donkey
who kicked field goals.
What do they want from me?
I don't drink. I don't smoke.
Two out of three ain't bad.
Honey?
Gotta go back on the road.
Bob, you're never home anymore.
You think dinner theatre
makes me happy?
How do you think I feel having to do
dinner theatre to pay the bills?
Gee, I wouldn't know.
I'm just a housewife.
Well, maybe you need a new hobby.
You thought about that?
Maybe I need a new husband.
Hey, everything I do is for you
and Scotty. Come on.
The house, the furniture,
the Caddy that you drive.
I just want someone here.
You're never home anymore.
And when you are, you're
downstairs editing your videos!
You want me to cancel my next
engagement? Just cancel it?
I can't. It's a contract!
Marriage is a contract.
Maybe we should just
cancel that too.
I booked Wichita.
Is that thing on?
Oh, yeah. Want me to turn it off?
- Happy now?
- Yeah.
Bob?
Bob?
Hey, Big Daddy!
Carpy. You want a drink?
Look what I got you. It's a timer.
Now we can put on the recorder
whenever we want...
...tape shows right off the TV.
- That's fantastic.
Like if you want to watch
Johnny Carson at 11:30...
...and we're out hunting chicks,
we set the timer. Boom.
We watch it in the morning.
I'm gonna need a minute to
wrap my mind around that idea.
- Pretty groovy, huh?
- Yeah.
You okay? You look kind of blue.
Just Patti and I
having some problems.
Had to cancel the Wichita gig.
I thought you had
an arrangement with her.
- You know how women are.
- Yeah.
You got the right idea, really.
Live separately.
I'd miss her and Scotty too much.
This is making me hot.
- What's her name again?
- I'm not sure.
Could look it up in my records.
I've got all this stuff.
The bush on her. Wouldn't go
near that without a flashlight.
I did.
What is it about women, Carpy?
They tell you one thing...
...then they get you and
they change their minds. It's...
Can't live with 'em,
can't live without 'em.
You know, truer words
were never spoken.
Can't live with 'em...
Can't kill 'em.
I think this is Seattle.
No. Dallas.
Look at the dcor.
The Western picture.
Tits on her.
Yeah.
My God, the building's on fire!
Look at all those police cars
and photographers!
Photographers? Oh, my God,
the mayor's there too!
- Do you see my wife out there?
- What does she look like?
I don't remember!
Carpy?
Yeah?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's great up here.
Last night? Zilch.
But there's actually a story there.
A society babe.
I did her friend.
She was all hot to go and then
she got the heebie-jeebies.
When are you coming out?
Excuse me.
Mind switching that to channel nine?
I want to check something out.
That's the guy from that TV show.
Look, there he is...
I'm going to talk to him. Watch.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm sorry to bother you.
I was sitting over there...
...and I noticed the TV and I...
Well, is that you?
- On the TV, is that...?
- Oh, my gosh!
That is embarrassing. I didn't even
know it was on. I'm Bob Crane.
I know. I thought so.
Bob Crane.
Gosh, it's nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too...
- Susan.
- Susan. All right.
- I loved your TV show.
I appreciate that. I'm just in town
here to do a little bit of theatre.
- I just wanted to say hi.
- Sure. Can I get you something?
Another drink? An autograph?
A nude swim?
Bob!
You know, I'm a real photo nut.
How long are you girls in town?
Carp. Look at this.
You want a club sandwich?
This editing hookup's fantastic. I can
even cut together cartoons for Scotty.
No, I'm not hungry. Watch this.
Here's Bobby!
On The Morning Show
with us today, Bob Crane.
- Hey. You made this?
- Yeah, with your equipment!
It's like the old stuff
we used to do back in radio.
Know how sometimes you put a flub
in the show? Audiences crack up.
It's so funny.
The girls, sometimes they're
uncomfortable with the video.
Now we show them an edit,
get them laughing and boom!
They love sex. They're just
looking for an excuse.
- You want something to drink?
- Women should have...
...a letter from the pope,
says, " If I sleep with you...
...my boyfriend won't come after you."
Know what I mean?
- I talked to Nick Murphy in Houston.
- Yeah, how'd that go?
We're all set for Monday night with the
swinging thing. You know, it's strange.
Dallas is a great town for babes.
But for swinging, nothing.
You know what's a great city for
dominance? Atlanta. Don't ask me why.
I made this for you.
That's good.
Simply scrumptious!
It's not very nice to try
and trick Mother Nature.
That's not funny, Bob.
Carp, come on!
Don't tell me funny. I know funny...
...and that's funny!
- No, it's not.
It's fucking Laugh-In!
That's Rowan and Martin.
- After all I've done for you.
- What do you mean?
The equipment,
coming when you called...
...running errands,
setting up the swinging parties...
Do you hear yourself? What are
you...? All you've done for me?
What are you talking about? How the
fuck do you think you get these broads?
You think you show up and say,
"Hey, I'm John Carpenter. Fuck me."
They're with you because of me. They
don't want you, they want Bob Crane.
So if you don't mind, please lay off
the "all I've done for you" speech.
- Mr. Crane?
- Oh, yeah!
- Hey, Mr. Crane!
- Do you want an autograph?
You've been served.
Welcome to Celebrity Cooks.
My name is Bruno Gerussi.
Today we'll be cooking with Colonel
Hogan himself, Mr. Bob Crane!
Thanks, Bruno.
It's a pleasure to be here.
Wonderful to see you.
Now, what has Hogan been up to?
Pretty much the same old thing. Still
trying to pull the wool over Klink's eyes.
And trying to get into Hilda's pants.
Actually, I did get into her pants,
I married her. But...
Now she's divorcing me,
so that's not worked out.
But I will be next month
in Long Beach...
...performing a show called
Beginner's Luck.
Wonderful! So, Bob, what recipe
have you brought us today?
It is a pasta dish.
With chicken and fettuccine,
they tell me.
I don't... That's what they
told me to say, anyway.
Sounds delicious.
You got a balloon-smuggler
here in the audience today.
You got a license
to carry those things?
Little tip on how to remove the wrinkles
from your face: Take off your bra.
Calm down.
Boo! Calm down.
They'll cut all this stuff out. They
edit it and they take all this stuff out.
Nice enough girl till she figured out
the fuzzy thing she's sitting on...
...could make her some money.
- You all right?
I'm fine. It's actually called a Chicken
Fettuccine la Crane, is my dish.
- We can take a break if you want.
- No, I'm fine.
I'm a complete professional. I just can't
get over the size of those knockers.
- Look, here come the ingredients now.
- Yes!
Wonderful.
The noodles!
Bob.
You surprised me. Come in.
Close the door, will you?
Sit.
You need anything?
Sit.
So, what's on your mind?
Just passing through.
Some things never change.
How's the theatre? Our...
The boys are helping you, right?
- I got eight months lined up, thank you.
- That's a nice little moneymaker.
You should know.
How's the family? The kids all right?
- Patti and I broke up.
- Yeah, I heard.
She hates me.
And she threw stuff at me.
Ashtrays, a videocassette. She cut
my lip here. I had to have stitches.
I was wondering if you'd
set some meetings up.
Get in circulation. A game show.
Do you remember the reaction
I got on Password?
I know Password is, you know,
not on the air anymore...
...but maybe Hollywood Squares.
You know? Something just to...
...get into the public's eye.
Don't look like that. Hey!
I'm not talking about
Paul Lynde's square.
- Any square is fine.
- We've talked about this.
The image problem.
If I sent you out again, I'd have to be
able to tell people you're a new man.
Well, tell them sex is normal.
It's good for you. I'm normal.
People got these hang-ups.
Do you know that there's actually
people out there who avoid me now?
This is a nice one.
I'm the friendly guy.
I'm the mediator.
My brother and father...
Goddamn, they hated each other.
You know?
- I'm the good son.
- Hey, I'm not a counsellor.
I'm feeling very awkward
being put in this situation.
There's one thing I know.
Bob, people don't change
unless they want to.
I want to.
A drunk can't get sober and hang
around his old drinking buddies.
It doesn't work that way, kid.
Excuse me.
- Yeah.
- Your 4:00 is here.
Tell him to wait.
- You got meetings.
- No! No hurry. Sit down.
I gotta go anyway.
Come here.
I want you to know something.
I'm here for you, and I want
to help you. You understand?
Yes. I'll call you.
Good luck, kid.
Beginner's luck, right?
Bobby!
Dad?
How you doing?
- What's up?
- Hello, Mr. Crane.
I'll be inside.
Wow, she's built.
How you doing?
- Pretty good. What's up?
- What have you been up to?
- Nothing much.
- Yeah?
Patti and I are getting a divorce.
- She's busting my balls.
- Really, I don't want to get into it.
I didn't want you to hear
about it the wrong way.
Right.
I tried to call your mom.
Well, she never says
anything bad about you.
How you doing? You okay?
Where you working now?
Well, we're going
back down to Long Beach.
Then we go up to Seattle.
And down to Scottsdale.
Scottsdale, Arizona.
I was thinking about
orange the other day.
The colour.
You take it for granted, right?
The colour orange.
But what is it, really?
- The colour?
- Yeah.
But that's it. Just tell me,
what is orange?
- I don't know.
- That's my point. You take it for granted.
You don't think about stuff like that.
It's just there.
Did John get you
that camera stuff you wanted?
Yeah.
Yeah, finally.
- He can be a real drag.
- Yeah, Mom thinks he's a creep.
Yeah.
We'll see.
We'll see.
Gotta make some changes.
Anne.
No, no, don't hang up.
What do you mean, Debbie
doesn't come to the phone?
I ran into Bobby the other day.
I wanted to tell you.
No, no, hey... Hey.
Annie?
Annie?
Annie!
Patti, it's an hour earlier in L.A.
It is.
I'm so sorry about what happened
with Scotty's drawings at school, but...
No...
I've agreed to the counselling.
I'm offering you 50l50!
That's fair. That's...
That's more than fair.
I'm trying to be decent.
Well, I don't have that much money!
And don't call me
in my dressing room anymore.
That is where I prepare.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Patti?
Okay, we'll talk then.
Back straight. Chest up.
Chin up. Smile.
"Your drink, key-holder."
- How's your room?
- It's okay.
I'm at the Sunburst.
How are rehearsals going?
That bitch.
What's wrong?
Why did I get married, Carp?
Once, you can understand.
I got married twice.
Patti showed up with Scotty.
- Yeah?
- No warning.
Just popped in town
to fuck with Bob's head.
My lawyer called.
She told him that Scotty has written
"Fuck Daddy" on a wall somewhere.
In the divorce papers, she says
that I showed him X-rated videos.
Did you?
I was editing.
He might've seen something.
It's how it looks, John, you know?
- To the press.
- Right.
You can't give people a chance...
...to put you down.
- You know what I'm saying?
- I do.
You know...
...maybe you should go back to radio.
- You love radio.
- You heard radio lately?
It's attacks on the president of the U.S.
Jokes.
- Yeah.
- Filthy jokes. They're very dirty.
- Rock. It's not my bag.
- You know, I'm just trying to help, Bob.
I'm your friend.
You're my only friend, John.
What time is it?
It's 7:30.
- We should go.
- I gotta change. Where we going?
Surf or turf?
Surf...
...and turf! Come on!
Yeah, Big Daddy.
Carpy?
John?
That you?
Word is, colonel, there's
going to be a surprise inspection.
I don't know about you, but if
there's gonna be an inspection...
...I got things to hide.
My God, the building's on fire!
Look at all those police cars
and photographers.
Photographers?
Oh, my God, there's the mayor too!
Is my wife down there?
What does she look like?
I don't remember!
She's a fox.
Look at the caboose on her.
A day without sex...
...is a day wasted.
- Is a day wasted. Yeah.
This place is dead.
Well, we still got time
to hit a strip joint.
Yeah, we need to talk.
I don't like the sound of that.
That's what a chick says
when she's gonna lower the boom.
Thinking about getting out.
Of what?
Whole scene.
- Whole what scene?
- The dinner theatre.
- All the rest.
- Excuse me. I'm confused.
The road. The hustling.
The broads. The whole thing.
You mean me.
I'm part of the whole thing?
Well, without the dinner theatre,
we'd see each other less.
I want to restart my career.
You're kidding, right?
- Well, what about my equipment?
- Good news.
You can keep it. I'll buy my own.
You're gonna buy a Betacam, right?
Nobody needs John Carpenter.
You just buy a Betacam.
Tommy Smothers bought Betacam.
Dick Martin. And now you.
- What about me?
- You'll be okay.
We got a good thing going,
Big Daddy. Why ruin it?
You'll be all right.
I see. I'm like Anne and Patti.
You find a better deal,
and dump me.
I'm sick of scoring broads
for you, okay?
There. I said it.
What am I, a drag?
A drag on your career?
Who's always been there for you?
When you were moping?
"Oh, John, John,
nobody wants to hire me!"
Flying around the country.
Hauling your shit from the airport.
Taking seconds!
I'm a drag? Well,
you're a fucking loser.
- Bob Crane's a loser!
- I ain't a loser!
Bob Crane ain't a loser.
You brought Bob Crane down!
- Bob Crane is a good guy!
- Bob, let's not do this.
Please.
John, you're my friend.
Okay?
You'll always be my friend.
Shit. I'm supposed to call Carolyn.
About the Jacuzzi party.
- Hello?
- Hey, it's John.
- How's it going?
- All right.
- You alone?
- Yeah.
You didn't score?
Man, I'm in my damn shorts.
How about you?
Negative. I had to drive her
halfway out to nowhere.
- What happened?
- She said, "No way."
Well, what do you mean?
She wouldn't let me
come to her place.
She wouldn't come to my place.
- Boy, I don't need that.
- Christ!
Bob?
You know, I was thinking...
You know...
...if I said anything
earlier tonight that...
- Don't worry about it.
- Well, you know, I...
- Did you think about it?
- What's that?
You know. What we talked about.
You know, what we talked about.
Yeah, I need to take a break.
I just, you know,
this thing with Patti. All of it.
I need a break.
I need a break, I need a break.
You know, I'm sorry.
You'll change your mind.
I'll change my mind?
Are you deaf?
What the fuck's wrong with you?
Kaput. All right?
We're still friends, right?
You need a ride tomorrow
to the airport?
I got a luncheon at noon.
- John?
- Don't bother.
- Just don't fucking bother.
- Okay.
Don't get all worked up.
I gotta get some sleep.
- Bob?
- I'll give you a call sometime, Carpy.
The investigation
was not well handled.
Scottsdale was a small town
back then.
They suspected Carpy,
but didn't prosecute.
Not a solid case, they said.
This was before DNA.
Fourteen years later, a new district
attorney brought him up for trial.
John told them, "He was my friend.
Why would I kill him?"
Evidence had been lost,
memories faded.
He was acquitted.
Four years later,
he died of a heart attack.
I can't blame him.
He was a cool guy, in his way.
That's how it is.
Men gotta have fun.