Aventures de Rabbi Jacob, Les (The Adventures of Rabbi Jacob) (1973) Movie Script
Boys, the rabbi leaves.|Lets say goodbye.
Shalom, friends.
Have a safe trip.
My man has been in Paris|for the last 30 years.
Pay attention to him.|- Naturally.
I have something for you they have|never heard of in Paris.
Cheesecake.
Give it to David for his bar mitzvah.
Hey, I dont have all day.|lets go?
Come with me to the airport,|all of you.
This is a taxi, no synagogue.|Ok, move over.
Jacob, give our nephew Salomon a big kiss.|And Esther also and Tzip and Moishe.
Ok all the Schmoll family.
And bring me a bottle of|Reviens-parfum, please.
Ok, I will return.
I love to see my Normandi
It does not go like that.|It is French... France...
I love to see my Normandi Its the|country where I saw the light of day
What is going on?|Hurry, driver.
Hey, what do you want?|Miracles?
Dont worry, rabbi,|well catch that plane.
You see my boy? That is a miracle.
Isn't it better that I drive, Mr?
- Mr, look ahead.|- What does that idiot do there?
An Englishman of course.|I dont like Englishmen. Do you?
- No.
Now look.|A Swiss and a German.
It seems|as if we are abroad.
Now we are caught behind a Belgian.
What is wrong with the Belgians?
They pollute our air|with their exhaust gases.
I will pass him.
Now look beside us.
He sits quietly and smokes.|That is not a Frenchman.
Cant you go behind the line?|Imbecile, cheater...
...stupid...|- You hear that, a real Frenchman.
You wont talk huh?
Whats the hurry?
- What is going on?|- A wedding.
- My daughter is also getting|married tomorrow. Let me pass.
Have you seen that? She is black.
- She is black and he is white.|- Yes, and?
White and black...
- Are you coming or not?|- Im coming.
- Let me through! My|daughter is getting married.
- Thats your daughter?|Congratulations.
My daughter is not black.
Mr...
Did you see that? Nowadays black|people ride white Rolls Royces.
- Nice for you that your daughter|isnt getting married to a black man.
What do you mean?
- Because you are rather racist.|- Racist? I?
Fortunately Antoinette marries|a neat white French man.
- He is as a matter of fact quite pale.|- And he has a speaks funny.
But he is rich, just like I am.|And catholic, such as everyone.
Not everyone. I am Jewish.
You are Jewish? Are you Jewish?
And my uncle Jacob from New York is a rabbi.
- But he is no Jew.|- Yes.
- But not your entire family?|- Yes.
Well, nevertheless, you can remain.
- That will be my wife.|- We are late. What now?
Germaine...|Let me explain.
Watch your mouth, Victor.|You are a hypocritical liar.
And watch your mouth too. If you want a|wedding tomorrow you must be nice.
Your crown.|I'm telling you!
- She is jealous again.|- Logically, you are good looking.
Just a moment. Wait now.
Pay attention to the road.
Germaine, did you know|that Salomon were a Jew?
No, and?
There he is.
Waiter?
A water with mint syrup.
Mr Slimane.|Telephone for Mr Slimane.
That is me.
Cell 2, Mr.
- Mohammed Larbi Slimane?|- That is me.
Nobody comes to save you.|You have run into our trap.
- What?|- Fars wake up.
You are not getting away alive.|It is over with that revolution of yours.
Over 30 seconds. He tries|to escape along the back.
We cannot catch him in the middle of|Saint Germain de Prs.
Watch your mouth.
Go guard the back alley.
Fars.
Hurry up!
Drive.
Do not hang up, young lady.
- Send a tow truck immediately.|- Rather ask for a tow boat.
Pull the boat. And dont bungle.
Strike? They still strike|in my factory?
I will also strike.|I am exhausted.
What did you say?
I forbid them to strike.|No. No, I say.
Just promise them everything,|and I shall give them nothing.
Salomon, a car.
Stop, stop.
Beast, egoist, idiot.
First road on the left.|The factory is at the end.
It becomes dark.|We must find a place to sleep.
Put on the lights.|Then they can find us easier.
No, Mr.
I cannot put them on.|I cannot work on a Saturday.
It is Friday.
The Sabbath starts Friday evening.|Then I can no longer work.
You cant make an exception|this time, Salomon?
Then you will get|two Sabbaths next week.
- You dont know our traditions.|- Exactly, and that I am proud of.
You eat no flesh on Fridays|and I dont work Saturdays.
- Its not crazier than that.|- Yes is it.
It is crazy.|I tell you that its crazy.
You are dismissed.|Now you can have Sabbath each evening.
- As you wish, Mr.|- Out!
Saint Antonius of Padua, give me|a place to sleep and a driver.
A Catholic just like you,|the kind lord and I.
Oh, a light.|Thanks, Saint Antonius.
Is there anyone?
Concirge?
Ms?
Is there someone?
There is someone!
I will make you to talk, Slimane.
Where will the revolution take place?
Which city? How? Which regiment?
Talk, Slimane.
Kill me, but do not try|to judge me.
The people stand behind me.
But the power comes from|the barrel of a gun.
Mao Tse Tung.
Mohammed Larbi Slimane...
...as a president of|this contra-revolutionary tribunal...
I find you guilty of treason.
What is that abracadabra?
Gentlemen, your sentence.
Death!
Speak, then we'll save your live.
The revolution is as a bicycle.|If it does not go ahead, it falls.
Eddy Merckx.|- No, Che Guevara.
The police force. 17
No, the police force is 22... 17
- Hello? Is this the police force?|- Yes.
- Give me the commissioner. Fast.|- This is the commissioner speaking.
Come directly to the|Yankee chewing-gum factory.
- Chewing-gum?|- Yes, chewing-gum...
- Who are you?|- Victor Pivert.
Pivert. It means woodpecker.
- I'm listening.|- I have had an accident with my car.
I sought for help...
...and ended up with a some black|men with that brown head.
- Where are you now?|- In the office of the factory.
- Remain where you are. We'll come directly.|- Very nice of you.
Have you seen those black men?
Yes, especially that fat one with his curly|hair, his false eyes and his sun glasses.
A real assassin.
Let them kill each other.|But not in our country.
- Where are they?|- There.
I have him.
- He has escaped.|- I could not help it, Colonel.
Victor Pivert. Black Citron D,|licence plate 438ZA75.
- Up at the river.|- Are you coming along?
No, he dismissed me.|His is on his own.
There he is.
- What are you doing here?|- Shut your mouth and sit quietly.
I'll return to my country|and you must help me.
Victor Pivert, he has shot down|two men.
Yes, a car on a boat.|Put out a search for him.
The latest news:
The kidnapped resistance leader Slimane|remains disappeared.
he hasn't contacted|the rebels in his fatherland.
Lets me call the police. They will catch|Fars and you can return to your country.
The police will hand me over|to our government and its assassins.
- Fars?|- Colonel Fars.
- Everyone is against you?|- No, the people stand behind me.
- They cannot be lied to anymore!|- Yes, they can!
In my factory I lie the entire day.|The people love it there.
I'll end the disorder.
When I return,|I'll be Prime Minister.
Prime Minister? Finally I can shake|the revolver of a Prime Minister.
And oil...
No more petrol. I must stop.
Where is he?|Where can he be?
- What happens today?|- My daughter is getting married.
I only help you as favour.|Open your mouth and keep quiet.
Yes, we have requested a conversation|with Piverts car.
Ms, I have contact with Mr.
Keep it shut.|I am back in two minutes.
- Do not answer.|- It is my wife.
If I don't answer,|she will track me down.
If I suspect the least...
- Is that you, Germaine?|- It's been 11 hours.
I have waited since yesterday.|Where were you last night?
Say that you will leave for|the weekend with a woman.
- Do you get it?|- No.
- I'll elope with a woman.|- A woman? You are crazy.
- Yes, I am crazy with her.|- What does she have that I don't?
She has large hairy hands,|large feet...
...that, and a large moustache.
- I hope that she believes you.|- I like her...
...because she doesn't rub herself|with all kinds of lotion...
...and wears no clamp bra.|She sings when she massages my back.
She finds me clever|and thinks that I am 1.80 meter.
- What's her name?|- What's her name?
Invent a name.
- Thrse Leduc.|- She is 65.
Yes, she has loved me for 30 years.|And lets me be in peace.
Did you see that?|I hung up this time.
I'm off to Orly Airport, my|husband is there. Tell my daughter.
- Piverts wedding?|- Yes, put it there.
I'm sorry,|the doctor doesn't receive patients today.
- Police. I want to speak with Mr. Pivert.|- He is not here. What is the matter?
Quiet now. Ms. Pivert picks up her husband|at Orly Airport. She's back in two hours.
To Orly Airport. We must catch him|before he flies off.
- Hurry up.|- A moment, Mr.
- What was your speed?|- Eighty.
- Shall I check the oil?|- No, it's okay.
- Can I see your papers?|- Naturally.
- What have you done?|- Nothing.
- Which of us were you mocking?|- Both.
- None of you, sir.|- Yes, you are both crazy.
- Turn around. What have you there?|- A wart.
A wart?
- It's awful.|- I think it suits him.
Hideous. Small hair are coming out.
Doesn't it hurt?|And if I do this?
That does certainly hurt, huh?
- What happens here? Papers.|- I never have those.
No drivers license, no registration|certificate, no insurance. Arrest me.
That will cost you.
- What's your name?|- Pivert. Like in...
Full tank?
- We must leave. Fars is there.|- Now it's enough. Get out.
Into first gear!
Will you please remain seated?
Sit, Samuel.|My family waits for me in Paris.
I'm here for bar mitzvah...|the communion of my nephew David.
He is already thirteen.
David, be quiet now.
Mummy, how do you recognise uncle Jacob?|Only granny knows him.
I'll recignize him.|- Hoezo, what do we do?
We had agreed on picking him up|in the car of Salomons boss.
He was fired yesterday.|- His boss fired him.
I have always said|that Mr. Pivert is very nice.
I was almost run over and killed.|Why must I carry your trunk?
Because you must come along.|- No, go to your revolution alone.
I must go to the wedding.|- You must come along as my hostage.
If you move one muscle, you're dead.|- I never do that.
But look at that officer.
He is large.|A much better hostage than I.
Did you see her? Red hair.|- And?
Stay here.
What a beauty.
What's his name?
Do you have a light?
Of course he has a light.
Moron, idiot.|You find that funny, imbecile?
There it is. The plane from New York|has landed.
Hurry up now.|- We can't miss him.
David, come here.|- Hurry up.
Look, there he is.
Jacob, uncle Jacob.
Where is Jacob? I see nothing.|- Look, there he comes.
Mr Pivert...
Mr. Pivert, come to the counter!
They are here.|- Slimane and Pivert.
You come exactly on time.|Pivert has just been announced.
We must remember that|he is a murderer.
Try it again.
Victor, come back.
- That is Germaine.|- Come back to me.
Germaine, where are you?
I forgive you. Don't leave me|on the wedding day of our daughter.
Victor, do you hear me?
Yes, I hear you. Don't shout this loud.|I'm coming.
Your husband isn't about to|fly off with Thrse Leduc.
- Give it back, I must announce things.|- This is more important.
- I saw the assassin.|- Is Fars here?
- He was right behind me.|- Wait, let me look first.
- Open.|- No.
- Open.|- I am not here.
- Open.|- Is not possible, it's occupied.
- Open.|- Did you hear that?
Mr, is your friend sick?|Perhaps we can help?
Maybe you can.
Moron, out.
Me as a rabbi - unbelievable!|- Wait.
Jacob.
It is him.
Let me greet him to.
- What now?|- Play the role. It is our only chance.
I could recognise him among thousands.|He speaks as his brother, my husband.
- Is he also a Schmoll?|- Schmoll?
Yes, who is he?
Of course, you are right.
He is my secretary, driver|and waiter. Here, my trunk.
- What is he called?|- Him? Larbi Rabbi Slimane.
Seligman, rabbi Seligman.|It's a pleasure.
Tell me, how are|they all in New York?
- Why don't you have a beard?|- I lent it out.
That Seligman is not just|anybody. A rabbi who is also a driver.
- You have a strange accent.|- You think?
You have become a real American.|Shall I teach you your real accent?
I know a good exercise.|Pronounce the names of fur.
- Of fur.|- Ah, fur.
Try.
Mink.
Chinchilla.
Muskrat.
- Fox.|- Fox, silver fox.
- Panther.|- Panther.
- No, panther. A cat.|- Panther.
Very good, Jacob.
Ms Pivert?|- That is me.
Police. Your man waits|for you in the car.
I knew that he would come back to me.|But why the police?
- Your man is in trouble.|- That Thrse Leduc.
Come on, let's go.
Where is Victor? Let me be.
Where is Ms. Pivert?|- No idea. Somewhere there.
Do I have pay attention to everyone?|- Yes, everyone.
Commissioner.|Two rabbis have been robbed.
- They have stolen their clothes and beards.|- What do the theives look like?
- A big guy with black hair.|- And a small bald guy.
Again Pivert and Slimane.
Pardon, this is a celebrity.
Step up. I'll buy the tickets.
Ahead.
You are very friendly.
And you are the nicest Jew|that I have ever seen.
Beautiful looking and beautiful teeth.|Come, let me give you a kiss.
You are also very nice, Ms.
Do you how many marriages|I have arranged?
- Are you married?|- No.
Do you prefer blondes or brunettes?
- Redheads.|- I have that for your.
After 30 years they don't even|come to pick me up.
- Maybe they didn't get your telegram.|- I have sent 8.
One must have arrived.
Do you see that violin box?|And what is inside that box?
No, idiot....
Cover me. I'll go over there.
The address is Rue des Rosiers 8.|The phone number...
Hello, rabbi...
Do you see. They did come to pick us up?
Police. Commissioner Andrani.|- Ah, what an honour.
I don't often meet|two such strange looking rabbi's.
We aren't that strange looking.
- Keep off of my violin.|- Don't mistake me for a fool, Pivert.
A big beard you have grown!|May I?
Pardon, Mr.
- Salomon, telephone.|- I'm coming.
Who? Uncle Jacob?
No, it's Salomon. Did you|have a pleasant journey?
- No, a very bad journey.
Where are you?|- At Orly Airport.
After 30 years I'm picked|up by the police.
- It is okay.|- Sorry, a misunderstanding.
- What are you doing?|- I understand nothing, uncle Jacob.
Rabbi Jacob arrives in a taxi.|Bowl rapidly.
What do you know?|Hang up, you idiot.
- Idiot?|- You must be crazy.
Long live rabbi Jacob.
Completely insane. Idiot...
Bless them, uncle Jacob.
- That is why you have come.|- He is modest.
Stand up, uncle Jacob.|They want to welcome you.
Put out your head.
Not like that, you are a rabbi.
This is your fault.|Wait until I tell them who you are.
Silence. All, be quiet now.
Welcome, rabbi Jacob,|my honoured teacher.
You are brilliant,|you are bright as the sky.
Well formulated.
Receive, as a souvenir of this day,|this "streimel".
What a beautiful "streimel".|Mink. I'll use it on Sundays.
For Saturdays.
He said Sunday,|but of course I ment Saturday.
Silence.
Rabbi Jacob will speak now.
Say something.
Dear Rosenfelds.
Dear Rozenbergs.
Dear Koshers.
Not that.
Then that. Dear Levi's.
Dear Levi's.
Keep the rest.
Uncle Jacob, you must get off.|The taxi driver wants to leave.
- And if they ask me something?|- Do what Jews do.
Always answer with a question.|Thus you can gain time.
Mr...
- Jacob, do you recognise me?|- And do you recognise me?
- No.|- So much the better.
- We have thousands of questions for you.|- Then I have two thousand.
- Rabbi Jacob...|- Yes.
- My driver. He recognises me.|- I have but one question.
My boss fired me because I|don't want to work on Saturdays.
What do I do?
Ask if he will take you back|and ask for a rise. He will say yes.
- The double?|- He will say yes.
- Triple?|- No that.
- I didn't know that you were Jewish.|- Yesterday I wasn't.
You must not tell anyone.|Everyone's looking for me.
- What have you done?|- I am innocent.
They want a scapegoat.
Hide me, then I re-hire you|and you get off for all your holidays!
- And on the sabbat and on Sundays.|- And the Muslim holidays?
- Do they have that?|- What does Slimane do here?
Who?
Rabbi Seligman, I have|found a redhair for you.
She is called Hannah.|Go say hello.
That is enough.|They are all ready.
Silence, silence.
Rabbi Jacob will dance.
Can Rabbi Jacob dance?
- You have talent!|- It was a wonder.
How did you know that|Pivert was on Orly Airport?
- He wants an adventure with Thrse Leduc.|- On his daughters wedding day?
No, not the drill.|I have always found that terrible.
He is with Slimane. Where are they?
Is this 2334436? With whom do I speak?|- Answer. But be careful.
- Germaine? It's Victor.|- Ah Victor, it's you.
- Ask where he is.|- No.
That drill. Did you hear me?
- Where are you?|- Hiding at some Jewish friends.
- Do you have Jewish friends?|- Yes. What's strange about that?
Say that the police force is here.
The police force is here.|They want to speak with you.
Mr Pivert? This is the commissioner.
I know where the assassins are.|You can catch them all.
Where are you now?
Their leader is called Fars.
I'll give you his description.
Thick, curly hair, small false eyes,|sun glasses.
A real assassin head.|- Exactly.
I am at "Etoile de Kiev".
A delikatessen-restaurant,|Rue des Rosiers 8.
Sjaloom, rabbi.|- Sjaloom.
Not you, him.
Ask for rabbi Jacob.|Rabbi Jacob, that's me.
Is Slimane also there?
Yes, he is to marry|a red-haired girl.
Remain where you are. We come.
Have you heard it?|Hannah has gotten engaged.
- If rabbi Jacob agrees with it.|- What a neat little girl.
Does she please you? You have the same hair.
Rabbi Jacob gives his blessing.
How can she let me down today?
And dad has disappeared.
Antoinette...
- I can't do it.|- Are you rabbi Jacob or not?
- I beg you.|- You are safe here.
Uncle Jacob, everything is ready.
- What shall we do?|- How does such a Jewish communion work?
It'll work out fine.
If my wife comes,|I'll go to the real church.
Bless me, uncle Jacob.
I give my blessing to you, David.
You to, rabbi Seligman.
God is with you, David.
- What is it?|- Tel. for rabbi Jacob.
- One Ms Pivert.|- I'll be back.
Do you hear that?|They say amen, just like us.
Warn Mr. Pivert. Three assasins are coming,|their leader is called Fars.
Three assassins? Here?
- Quick, they want to kill Mr. Pivert.|- They are already here.
Mazel tov, son.
What does he say?
- You must read from the "thora".|- That is too much honour.
Also you, rabbi Seligman.
What a big honour for my family.
As you like, rabbi Jacob.
It is Hebrew.
From right to left,|just like Arabian.
I'll give rabbi Seligman the honour.|He must read.
The glasses. And the hand.
You must read from right to left.
- Could they be here?|- It's possible.
I think, it is a type of church.
Your hat.
Fars is in the synagogue.|Leave.
Your hat.
Your hat!
Silence.
Brothers...
...the three men|that have just come in...
...are not here to pray.|They are assassins.
They want to kill rabbi Jacob|and rabbi Seligman.
Help me save them.
What are you doing? let me be.
Salomon, come here.
Wait in the "Etoile de Kiev".|I'll get the car.
- How did Fars know where we were?
- From the commissioner.|- That was Fars.
Was that Fars.
Thirty years, Samuel,|and everything is still the same.
There is the synagogue.|And this is the "Etoile de Kiev".
Hey, what happens? Leave me alone.
Drive.
Mr, come quick.|Take this and get away.
Get away.
You have saved my life.|I will reward you.
Hey, Salomon, Slimane...|Are you guys sometimes cousins?
- Cousins?|- Distant cousins. Thanks.
Save that for later.|Ahead, to St. Louis des Invalides.
Police. Commissioner Andrani.
Mummy, there is the "Etoile de Kiev".
We thought that you were someone else.|It was a misunderstanding.
A misunderstanding which you will regret.
- Let them be or I'll call the police.|- This is the police, mother.
There's Salomon.
- What have you done to my husband?|- He is safe.
- Where is he?|- On the way to you, on my moped.
I'm suffocating.
- Take off your beard, Pivert.|- Pivert? Who are those Piverts?
- What are you doing?|- That is not Slimane.
And I am not Pivert.
My boat and my car.|There, they have stolen it.
- Follow them.|- Don't shout this way.
- More speed.|- No, then my hat blows off.
Quick, this way.
Follow them.
No, it's not me.
No, not my moustache.
- You are Pivert.|- Rabbi Jacob.
D, call number 438ZA75,|following the boat Germaine II...
...driving in direction|of Place de la Concorde.
- Don't kill them. They will say nothing.|- No, I say nothing.
I have forgotten everything. I don't even|know yout name, Mr Fars.
Do not shoot. I have an idea.
You do not shoot, let me go|to my daughters wedding.
And tomorrow you send me a letter bomb.
I am at home, the doorbell rings...
- Who is it?|- I open...
A letter bomb.
- And for whom?|- Not for me.
Shut up.
- I open it.|- No, don't open it. NO!
Pivert is gone, Jacob is one, Fars is gone.
That is for me.
Is it the car of Mr Pivert?|Is president Slimane there?
President Slimane?
The minister wants to speak with him.
It is for you, the minister.
Give it to me.
- President?|- Slimane speaking.
The Revolutionary Council has taken over|the power in your country.
They want you to return directly.
- Should I start mentioning the oil?|- That is inappropriate.
- A concorde for him then?|- Not this fast. You'll spoil everything.
Then I'll start with the Alouette.|A careful start.
We'll pick you op|with the newest Alouette.
- Succeeded.|- We have made it.
Slimane, you must be grateful|that I have saved your life.
- Because they...|- Achkoum Fars, president.
Stop this Achkoum...|You have put your money on the wrong camel.
You see that, president?
That's France...|France!
Now it is enough. It has been 2|hours, I can't wait any longer.
- Take away those flowers.|- But reverend...
I have found them.|They are on the way.
- But I soon have a burial.|- That can wait.
Alexandre, Mrs. Markiezin leaves.|Will you please wait?
- They are on the way.|- No, I have already waited for two hours.
- Wasn't it in the Notre Dame?|- Will we get lunch anyway?
- Better luck next time.|- Shut up.
- Mother, father. What now?|- Two hours late.
- Unbelievable.|- Pivert can't be trusted.
What is that?
- What is that, mother?|- Ready!
- I am here, general.|- Pivert.
I am ready.
I am the father of the bride.
- You, rabbi?|- It is a scandal!
I require an explanation.|Two hours late and wearing a disguise.
What now? You also|have a "streimel"?
And you also have these corkscrew curls.
We are there.
That is my wife.
- Mother, stop.|- Shall I drive?
The brakes don't work.
That white smoke comes from the engine.
My boat.
- Was that on purpose?|- My hat.
My boat... Your hat.
I'll just leave.
- Is that necessary?|- Father, mother, not today.
Jacob, there he is.
- Pivert, who are those people?|- Those are my friends, the Schmolls.
I was in the synagogue,|now we go to the church.
- Got you!|- Good.
Imbecile.
Mr president...
May I be the first to congratulate...
- Slimane, you are arrested.|- Me?
- You'll regret this.|- We will see.
- Do you see? I have them in cuffs.|- Release them, imbecile.
Yes sir, mr. minister.
- I'm terribly sorry.|- Ah, it's nothing.
Thank you, officer.|- Officer?
Yes, tomorrow...
My veil. Can I have it?
No.
Antoinette.
Where is she off to now?|Antoinette, come back.
You see that, minister?|He takes her along...
Victor, you can't let her|go along with a... a...
President.|My daughter is marrying a president.
Are you coming to celebrate the|bar mitzvah tonight?
Rabbi Jacob, I must confess something.|I am not Jewish.
Well, nevertheless, you can remain.
Shalom, friends.
Have a safe trip.
My man has been in Paris|for the last 30 years.
Pay attention to him.|- Naturally.
I have something for you they have|never heard of in Paris.
Cheesecake.
Give it to David for his bar mitzvah.
Hey, I dont have all day.|lets go?
Come with me to the airport,|all of you.
This is a taxi, no synagogue.|Ok, move over.
Jacob, give our nephew Salomon a big kiss.|And Esther also and Tzip and Moishe.
Ok all the Schmoll family.
And bring me a bottle of|Reviens-parfum, please.
Ok, I will return.
I love to see my Normandi
It does not go like that.|It is French... France...
I love to see my Normandi Its the|country where I saw the light of day
What is going on?|Hurry, driver.
Hey, what do you want?|Miracles?
Dont worry, rabbi,|well catch that plane.
You see my boy? That is a miracle.
Isn't it better that I drive, Mr?
- Mr, look ahead.|- What does that idiot do there?
An Englishman of course.|I dont like Englishmen. Do you?
- No.
Now look.|A Swiss and a German.
It seems|as if we are abroad.
Now we are caught behind a Belgian.
What is wrong with the Belgians?
They pollute our air|with their exhaust gases.
I will pass him.
Now look beside us.
He sits quietly and smokes.|That is not a Frenchman.
Cant you go behind the line?|Imbecile, cheater...
...stupid...|- You hear that, a real Frenchman.
You wont talk huh?
Whats the hurry?
- What is going on?|- A wedding.
- My daughter is also getting|married tomorrow. Let me pass.
Have you seen that? She is black.
- She is black and he is white.|- Yes, and?
White and black...
- Are you coming or not?|- Im coming.
- Let me through! My|daughter is getting married.
- Thats your daughter?|Congratulations.
My daughter is not black.
Mr...
Did you see that? Nowadays black|people ride white Rolls Royces.
- Nice for you that your daughter|isnt getting married to a black man.
What do you mean?
- Because you are rather racist.|- Racist? I?
Fortunately Antoinette marries|a neat white French man.
- He is as a matter of fact quite pale.|- And he has a speaks funny.
But he is rich, just like I am.|And catholic, such as everyone.
Not everyone. I am Jewish.
You are Jewish? Are you Jewish?
And my uncle Jacob from New York is a rabbi.
- But he is no Jew.|- Yes.
- But not your entire family?|- Yes.
Well, nevertheless, you can remain.
- That will be my wife.|- We are late. What now?
Germaine...|Let me explain.
Watch your mouth, Victor.|You are a hypocritical liar.
And watch your mouth too. If you want a|wedding tomorrow you must be nice.
Your crown.|I'm telling you!
- She is jealous again.|- Logically, you are good looking.
Just a moment. Wait now.
Pay attention to the road.
Germaine, did you know|that Salomon were a Jew?
No, and?
There he is.
Waiter?
A water with mint syrup.
Mr Slimane.|Telephone for Mr Slimane.
That is me.
Cell 2, Mr.
- Mohammed Larbi Slimane?|- That is me.
Nobody comes to save you.|You have run into our trap.
- What?|- Fars wake up.
You are not getting away alive.|It is over with that revolution of yours.
Over 30 seconds. He tries|to escape along the back.
We cannot catch him in the middle of|Saint Germain de Prs.
Watch your mouth.
Go guard the back alley.
Fars.
Hurry up!
Drive.
Do not hang up, young lady.
- Send a tow truck immediately.|- Rather ask for a tow boat.
Pull the boat. And dont bungle.
Strike? They still strike|in my factory?
I will also strike.|I am exhausted.
What did you say?
I forbid them to strike.|No. No, I say.
Just promise them everything,|and I shall give them nothing.
Salomon, a car.
Stop, stop.
Beast, egoist, idiot.
First road on the left.|The factory is at the end.
It becomes dark.|We must find a place to sleep.
Put on the lights.|Then they can find us easier.
No, Mr.
I cannot put them on.|I cannot work on a Saturday.
It is Friday.
The Sabbath starts Friday evening.|Then I can no longer work.
You cant make an exception|this time, Salomon?
Then you will get|two Sabbaths next week.
- You dont know our traditions.|- Exactly, and that I am proud of.
You eat no flesh on Fridays|and I dont work Saturdays.
- Its not crazier than that.|- Yes is it.
It is crazy.|I tell you that its crazy.
You are dismissed.|Now you can have Sabbath each evening.
- As you wish, Mr.|- Out!
Saint Antonius of Padua, give me|a place to sleep and a driver.
A Catholic just like you,|the kind lord and I.
Oh, a light.|Thanks, Saint Antonius.
Is there anyone?
Concirge?
Ms?
Is there someone?
There is someone!
I will make you to talk, Slimane.
Where will the revolution take place?
Which city? How? Which regiment?
Talk, Slimane.
Kill me, but do not try|to judge me.
The people stand behind me.
But the power comes from|the barrel of a gun.
Mao Tse Tung.
Mohammed Larbi Slimane...
...as a president of|this contra-revolutionary tribunal...
I find you guilty of treason.
What is that abracadabra?
Gentlemen, your sentence.
Death!
Speak, then we'll save your live.
The revolution is as a bicycle.|If it does not go ahead, it falls.
Eddy Merckx.|- No, Che Guevara.
The police force. 17
No, the police force is 22... 17
- Hello? Is this the police force?|- Yes.
- Give me the commissioner. Fast.|- This is the commissioner speaking.
Come directly to the|Yankee chewing-gum factory.
- Chewing-gum?|- Yes, chewing-gum...
- Who are you?|- Victor Pivert.
Pivert. It means woodpecker.
- I'm listening.|- I have had an accident with my car.
I sought for help...
...and ended up with a some black|men with that brown head.
- Where are you now?|- In the office of the factory.
- Remain where you are. We'll come directly.|- Very nice of you.
Have you seen those black men?
Yes, especially that fat one with his curly|hair, his false eyes and his sun glasses.
A real assassin.
Let them kill each other.|But not in our country.
- Where are they?|- There.
I have him.
- He has escaped.|- I could not help it, Colonel.
Victor Pivert. Black Citron D,|licence plate 438ZA75.
- Up at the river.|- Are you coming along?
No, he dismissed me.|His is on his own.
There he is.
- What are you doing here?|- Shut your mouth and sit quietly.
I'll return to my country|and you must help me.
Victor Pivert, he has shot down|two men.
Yes, a car on a boat.|Put out a search for him.
The latest news:
The kidnapped resistance leader Slimane|remains disappeared.
he hasn't contacted|the rebels in his fatherland.
Lets me call the police. They will catch|Fars and you can return to your country.
The police will hand me over|to our government and its assassins.
- Fars?|- Colonel Fars.
- Everyone is against you?|- No, the people stand behind me.
- They cannot be lied to anymore!|- Yes, they can!
In my factory I lie the entire day.|The people love it there.
I'll end the disorder.
When I return,|I'll be Prime Minister.
Prime Minister? Finally I can shake|the revolver of a Prime Minister.
And oil...
No more petrol. I must stop.
Where is he?|Where can he be?
- What happens today?|- My daughter is getting married.
I only help you as favour.|Open your mouth and keep quiet.
Yes, we have requested a conversation|with Piverts car.
Ms, I have contact with Mr.
Keep it shut.|I am back in two minutes.
- Do not answer.|- It is my wife.
If I don't answer,|she will track me down.
If I suspect the least...
- Is that you, Germaine?|- It's been 11 hours.
I have waited since yesterday.|Where were you last night?
Say that you will leave for|the weekend with a woman.
- Do you get it?|- No.
- I'll elope with a woman.|- A woman? You are crazy.
- Yes, I am crazy with her.|- What does she have that I don't?
She has large hairy hands,|large feet...
...that, and a large moustache.
- I hope that she believes you.|- I like her...
...because she doesn't rub herself|with all kinds of lotion...
...and wears no clamp bra.|She sings when she massages my back.
She finds me clever|and thinks that I am 1.80 meter.
- What's her name?|- What's her name?
Invent a name.
- Thrse Leduc.|- She is 65.
Yes, she has loved me for 30 years.|And lets me be in peace.
Did you see that?|I hung up this time.
I'm off to Orly Airport, my|husband is there. Tell my daughter.
- Piverts wedding?|- Yes, put it there.
I'm sorry,|the doctor doesn't receive patients today.
- Police. I want to speak with Mr. Pivert.|- He is not here. What is the matter?
Quiet now. Ms. Pivert picks up her husband|at Orly Airport. She's back in two hours.
To Orly Airport. We must catch him|before he flies off.
- Hurry up.|- A moment, Mr.
- What was your speed?|- Eighty.
- Shall I check the oil?|- No, it's okay.
- Can I see your papers?|- Naturally.
- What have you done?|- Nothing.
- Which of us were you mocking?|- Both.
- None of you, sir.|- Yes, you are both crazy.
- Turn around. What have you there?|- A wart.
A wart?
- It's awful.|- I think it suits him.
Hideous. Small hair are coming out.
Doesn't it hurt?|And if I do this?
That does certainly hurt, huh?
- What happens here? Papers.|- I never have those.
No drivers license, no registration|certificate, no insurance. Arrest me.
That will cost you.
- What's your name?|- Pivert. Like in...
Full tank?
- We must leave. Fars is there.|- Now it's enough. Get out.
Into first gear!
Will you please remain seated?
Sit, Samuel.|My family waits for me in Paris.
I'm here for bar mitzvah...|the communion of my nephew David.
He is already thirteen.
David, be quiet now.
Mummy, how do you recognise uncle Jacob?|Only granny knows him.
I'll recignize him.|- Hoezo, what do we do?
We had agreed on picking him up|in the car of Salomons boss.
He was fired yesterday.|- His boss fired him.
I have always said|that Mr. Pivert is very nice.
I was almost run over and killed.|Why must I carry your trunk?
Because you must come along.|- No, go to your revolution alone.
I must go to the wedding.|- You must come along as my hostage.
If you move one muscle, you're dead.|- I never do that.
But look at that officer.
He is large.|A much better hostage than I.
Did you see her? Red hair.|- And?
Stay here.
What a beauty.
What's his name?
Do you have a light?
Of course he has a light.
Moron, idiot.|You find that funny, imbecile?
There it is. The plane from New York|has landed.
Hurry up now.|- We can't miss him.
David, come here.|- Hurry up.
Look, there he is.
Jacob, uncle Jacob.
Where is Jacob? I see nothing.|- Look, there he comes.
Mr Pivert...
Mr. Pivert, come to the counter!
They are here.|- Slimane and Pivert.
You come exactly on time.|Pivert has just been announced.
We must remember that|he is a murderer.
Try it again.
Victor, come back.
- That is Germaine.|- Come back to me.
Germaine, where are you?
I forgive you. Don't leave me|on the wedding day of our daughter.
Victor, do you hear me?
Yes, I hear you. Don't shout this loud.|I'm coming.
Your husband isn't about to|fly off with Thrse Leduc.
- Give it back, I must announce things.|- This is more important.
- I saw the assassin.|- Is Fars here?
- He was right behind me.|- Wait, let me look first.
- Open.|- No.
- Open.|- I am not here.
- Open.|- Is not possible, it's occupied.
- Open.|- Did you hear that?
Mr, is your friend sick?|Perhaps we can help?
Maybe you can.
Moron, out.
Me as a rabbi - unbelievable!|- Wait.
Jacob.
It is him.
Let me greet him to.
- What now?|- Play the role. It is our only chance.
I could recognise him among thousands.|He speaks as his brother, my husband.
- Is he also a Schmoll?|- Schmoll?
Yes, who is he?
Of course, you are right.
He is my secretary, driver|and waiter. Here, my trunk.
- What is he called?|- Him? Larbi Rabbi Slimane.
Seligman, rabbi Seligman.|It's a pleasure.
Tell me, how are|they all in New York?
- Why don't you have a beard?|- I lent it out.
That Seligman is not just|anybody. A rabbi who is also a driver.
- You have a strange accent.|- You think?
You have become a real American.|Shall I teach you your real accent?
I know a good exercise.|Pronounce the names of fur.
- Of fur.|- Ah, fur.
Try.
Mink.
Chinchilla.
Muskrat.
- Fox.|- Fox, silver fox.
- Panther.|- Panther.
- No, panther. A cat.|- Panther.
Very good, Jacob.
Ms Pivert?|- That is me.
Police. Your man waits|for you in the car.
I knew that he would come back to me.|But why the police?
- Your man is in trouble.|- That Thrse Leduc.
Come on, let's go.
Where is Victor? Let me be.
Where is Ms. Pivert?|- No idea. Somewhere there.
Do I have pay attention to everyone?|- Yes, everyone.
Commissioner.|Two rabbis have been robbed.
- They have stolen their clothes and beards.|- What do the theives look like?
- A big guy with black hair.|- And a small bald guy.
Again Pivert and Slimane.
Pardon, this is a celebrity.
Step up. I'll buy the tickets.
Ahead.
You are very friendly.
And you are the nicest Jew|that I have ever seen.
Beautiful looking and beautiful teeth.|Come, let me give you a kiss.
You are also very nice, Ms.
Do you how many marriages|I have arranged?
- Are you married?|- No.
Do you prefer blondes or brunettes?
- Redheads.|- I have that for your.
After 30 years they don't even|come to pick me up.
- Maybe they didn't get your telegram.|- I have sent 8.
One must have arrived.
Do you see that violin box?|And what is inside that box?
No, idiot....
Cover me. I'll go over there.
The address is Rue des Rosiers 8.|The phone number...
Hello, rabbi...
Do you see. They did come to pick us up?
Police. Commissioner Andrani.|- Ah, what an honour.
I don't often meet|two such strange looking rabbi's.
We aren't that strange looking.
- Keep off of my violin.|- Don't mistake me for a fool, Pivert.
A big beard you have grown!|May I?
Pardon, Mr.
- Salomon, telephone.|- I'm coming.
Who? Uncle Jacob?
No, it's Salomon. Did you|have a pleasant journey?
- No, a very bad journey.
Where are you?|- At Orly Airport.
After 30 years I'm picked|up by the police.
- It is okay.|- Sorry, a misunderstanding.
- What are you doing?|- I understand nothing, uncle Jacob.
Rabbi Jacob arrives in a taxi.|Bowl rapidly.
What do you know?|Hang up, you idiot.
- Idiot?|- You must be crazy.
Long live rabbi Jacob.
Completely insane. Idiot...
Bless them, uncle Jacob.
- That is why you have come.|- He is modest.
Stand up, uncle Jacob.|They want to welcome you.
Put out your head.
Not like that, you are a rabbi.
This is your fault.|Wait until I tell them who you are.
Silence. All, be quiet now.
Welcome, rabbi Jacob,|my honoured teacher.
You are brilliant,|you are bright as the sky.
Well formulated.
Receive, as a souvenir of this day,|this "streimel".
What a beautiful "streimel".|Mink. I'll use it on Sundays.
For Saturdays.
He said Sunday,|but of course I ment Saturday.
Silence.
Rabbi Jacob will speak now.
Say something.
Dear Rosenfelds.
Dear Rozenbergs.
Dear Koshers.
Not that.
Then that. Dear Levi's.
Dear Levi's.
Keep the rest.
Uncle Jacob, you must get off.|The taxi driver wants to leave.
- And if they ask me something?|- Do what Jews do.
Always answer with a question.|Thus you can gain time.
Mr...
- Jacob, do you recognise me?|- And do you recognise me?
- No.|- So much the better.
- We have thousands of questions for you.|- Then I have two thousand.
- Rabbi Jacob...|- Yes.
- My driver. He recognises me.|- I have but one question.
My boss fired me because I|don't want to work on Saturdays.
What do I do?
Ask if he will take you back|and ask for a rise. He will say yes.
- The double?|- He will say yes.
- Triple?|- No that.
- I didn't know that you were Jewish.|- Yesterday I wasn't.
You must not tell anyone.|Everyone's looking for me.
- What have you done?|- I am innocent.
They want a scapegoat.
Hide me, then I re-hire you|and you get off for all your holidays!
- And on the sabbat and on Sundays.|- And the Muslim holidays?
- Do they have that?|- What does Slimane do here?
Who?
Rabbi Seligman, I have|found a redhair for you.
She is called Hannah.|Go say hello.
That is enough.|They are all ready.
Silence, silence.
Rabbi Jacob will dance.
Can Rabbi Jacob dance?
- You have talent!|- It was a wonder.
How did you know that|Pivert was on Orly Airport?
- He wants an adventure with Thrse Leduc.|- On his daughters wedding day?
No, not the drill.|I have always found that terrible.
He is with Slimane. Where are they?
Is this 2334436? With whom do I speak?|- Answer. But be careful.
- Germaine? It's Victor.|- Ah Victor, it's you.
- Ask where he is.|- No.
That drill. Did you hear me?
- Where are you?|- Hiding at some Jewish friends.
- Do you have Jewish friends?|- Yes. What's strange about that?
Say that the police force is here.
The police force is here.|They want to speak with you.
Mr Pivert? This is the commissioner.
I know where the assassins are.|You can catch them all.
Where are you now?
Their leader is called Fars.
I'll give you his description.
Thick, curly hair, small false eyes,|sun glasses.
A real assassin head.|- Exactly.
I am at "Etoile de Kiev".
A delikatessen-restaurant,|Rue des Rosiers 8.
Sjaloom, rabbi.|- Sjaloom.
Not you, him.
Ask for rabbi Jacob.|Rabbi Jacob, that's me.
Is Slimane also there?
Yes, he is to marry|a red-haired girl.
Remain where you are. We come.
Have you heard it?|Hannah has gotten engaged.
- If rabbi Jacob agrees with it.|- What a neat little girl.
Does she please you? You have the same hair.
Rabbi Jacob gives his blessing.
How can she let me down today?
And dad has disappeared.
Antoinette...
- I can't do it.|- Are you rabbi Jacob or not?
- I beg you.|- You are safe here.
Uncle Jacob, everything is ready.
- What shall we do?|- How does such a Jewish communion work?
It'll work out fine.
If my wife comes,|I'll go to the real church.
Bless me, uncle Jacob.
I give my blessing to you, David.
You to, rabbi Seligman.
God is with you, David.
- What is it?|- Tel. for rabbi Jacob.
- One Ms Pivert.|- I'll be back.
Do you hear that?|They say amen, just like us.
Warn Mr. Pivert. Three assasins are coming,|their leader is called Fars.
Three assassins? Here?
- Quick, they want to kill Mr. Pivert.|- They are already here.
Mazel tov, son.
What does he say?
- You must read from the "thora".|- That is too much honour.
Also you, rabbi Seligman.
What a big honour for my family.
As you like, rabbi Jacob.
It is Hebrew.
From right to left,|just like Arabian.
I'll give rabbi Seligman the honour.|He must read.
The glasses. And the hand.
You must read from right to left.
- Could they be here?|- It's possible.
I think, it is a type of church.
Your hat.
Fars is in the synagogue.|Leave.
Your hat.
Your hat!
Silence.
Brothers...
...the three men|that have just come in...
...are not here to pray.|They are assassins.
They want to kill rabbi Jacob|and rabbi Seligman.
Help me save them.
What are you doing? let me be.
Salomon, come here.
Wait in the "Etoile de Kiev".|I'll get the car.
- How did Fars know where we were?
- From the commissioner.|- That was Fars.
Was that Fars.
Thirty years, Samuel,|and everything is still the same.
There is the synagogue.|And this is the "Etoile de Kiev".
Hey, what happens? Leave me alone.
Drive.
Mr, come quick.|Take this and get away.
Get away.
You have saved my life.|I will reward you.
Hey, Salomon, Slimane...|Are you guys sometimes cousins?
- Cousins?|- Distant cousins. Thanks.
Save that for later.|Ahead, to St. Louis des Invalides.
Police. Commissioner Andrani.
Mummy, there is the "Etoile de Kiev".
We thought that you were someone else.|It was a misunderstanding.
A misunderstanding which you will regret.
- Let them be or I'll call the police.|- This is the police, mother.
There's Salomon.
- What have you done to my husband?|- He is safe.
- Where is he?|- On the way to you, on my moped.
I'm suffocating.
- Take off your beard, Pivert.|- Pivert? Who are those Piverts?
- What are you doing?|- That is not Slimane.
And I am not Pivert.
My boat and my car.|There, they have stolen it.
- Follow them.|- Don't shout this way.
- More speed.|- No, then my hat blows off.
Quick, this way.
Follow them.
No, it's not me.
No, not my moustache.
- You are Pivert.|- Rabbi Jacob.
D, call number 438ZA75,|following the boat Germaine II...
...driving in direction|of Place de la Concorde.
- Don't kill them. They will say nothing.|- No, I say nothing.
I have forgotten everything. I don't even|know yout name, Mr Fars.
Do not shoot. I have an idea.
You do not shoot, let me go|to my daughters wedding.
And tomorrow you send me a letter bomb.
I am at home, the doorbell rings...
- Who is it?|- I open...
A letter bomb.
- And for whom?|- Not for me.
Shut up.
- I open it.|- No, don't open it. NO!
Pivert is gone, Jacob is one, Fars is gone.
That is for me.
Is it the car of Mr Pivert?|Is president Slimane there?
President Slimane?
The minister wants to speak with him.
It is for you, the minister.
Give it to me.
- President?|- Slimane speaking.
The Revolutionary Council has taken over|the power in your country.
They want you to return directly.
- Should I start mentioning the oil?|- That is inappropriate.
- A concorde for him then?|- Not this fast. You'll spoil everything.
Then I'll start with the Alouette.|A careful start.
We'll pick you op|with the newest Alouette.
- Succeeded.|- We have made it.
Slimane, you must be grateful|that I have saved your life.
- Because they...|- Achkoum Fars, president.
Stop this Achkoum...|You have put your money on the wrong camel.
You see that, president?
That's France...|France!
Now it is enough. It has been 2|hours, I can't wait any longer.
- Take away those flowers.|- But reverend...
I have found them.|They are on the way.
- But I soon have a burial.|- That can wait.
Alexandre, Mrs. Markiezin leaves.|Will you please wait?
- They are on the way.|- No, I have already waited for two hours.
- Wasn't it in the Notre Dame?|- Will we get lunch anyway?
- Better luck next time.|- Shut up.
- Mother, father. What now?|- Two hours late.
- Unbelievable.|- Pivert can't be trusted.
What is that?
- What is that, mother?|- Ready!
- I am here, general.|- Pivert.
I am ready.
I am the father of the bride.
- You, rabbi?|- It is a scandal!
I require an explanation.|Two hours late and wearing a disguise.
What now? You also|have a "streimel"?
And you also have these corkscrew curls.
We are there.
That is my wife.
- Mother, stop.|- Shall I drive?
The brakes don't work.
That white smoke comes from the engine.
My boat.
- Was that on purpose?|- My hat.
My boat... Your hat.
I'll just leave.
- Is that necessary?|- Father, mother, not today.
Jacob, there he is.
- Pivert, who are those people?|- Those are my friends, the Schmolls.
I was in the synagogue,|now we go to the church.
- Got you!|- Good.
Imbecile.
Mr president...
May I be the first to congratulate...
- Slimane, you are arrested.|- Me?
- You'll regret this.|- We will see.
- Do you see? I have them in cuffs.|- Release them, imbecile.
Yes sir, mr. minister.
- I'm terribly sorry.|- Ah, it's nothing.
Thank you, officer.|- Officer?
Yes, tomorrow...
My veil. Can I have it?
No.
Antoinette.
Where is she off to now?|Antoinette, come back.
You see that, minister?|He takes her along...
Victor, you can't let her|go along with a... a...
President.|My daughter is marrying a president.
Are you coming to celebrate the|bar mitzvah tonight?
Rabbi Jacob, I must confess something.|I am not Jewish.
Well, nevertheless, you can remain.