Babes (2024) Movie Script

1
[quirky music plays]
[traffic hums]
[children chattering]
[train squeaks]
[claps]
[screams gleefully]
Look at you. Look at you.
Gorgeous. [chuckles]
115 minutes, four trains.
You're so lucky
I fucking love you.
I am. But also, walking
five blocks this pregnant?
It's equal.
-Touche, bitch!
Woo! We're doing it.
[music fades]
Hi. Do you have any tickets
available for the 9 a.m.?
Yeah, yeah, they all are.
It's Thanksgiving at 9 a.m..
Okay, well, [chuckles]
we'll take two then,
but you can keep the attitude
in the booth.
It's a ritual, man.
We've seen a movie
every Thanksgiving
for 27 years.
Traditions of this caliber
don't come by--
Okay, Eden? Can we just
get the tickets
so we can sit down?
My back hurts.
You fucked up her back.
You did not fuck up my back,
baby did that.
[Eden] So I had a crazy night
last night.
I'm drinking a hot toddy.
I clocked this other bitch
drinking a hot toddy.
Oh, ew, wait a minute.
My seat is wet.
Ew. Yuck!
-What? Yuck.
-So gross.
So I see
she's drinking a hot toddy.
You know, like your classic.
So we strike up a conversation
or whatever.
It turns--
-Ew!
This seat is wet, too.
-No.
-Yes.
-Gross.
-Yuck.
-[laughs] Ew. Okay.
Turns out
she's a retired nurse.
And I was like,
"What's the most gruesome
death you've ever seen?"
Oh that's a good follow up.
-And she's like--
-Fuck, no.
-What?
-This seat is wet too.
Why does this theater
have so many wet ass seats.
Okay. Is it you, maybe?
Are you possibly
the wet factor?
None of my seats
have been wet.
-I mean, maybe it could be me,
but I'm not due
for another two weeks.
Can you check?
-Sure.
-[groans]
[popcorn crunches]
Let's see.
All right. Nothing...
-Cool.
-Nothing...
[gasps] A drop.
Another drop.
Okay. All right.
Are you pissing, perchance?
-I don't think I'm pissing.
You know, in the movies,
it's like this 'whoosh'!
But this is just
a light pussy drizzle.
Pussy drizzle, okay.
You know what?
I'm gonna call Doctor Morris.
[popcorn crunches]
Two. Emergency.
Morris. Okay,
it's ringing now.
Doctor Morris, it's dawn.
Okay.
Trickling is accelerating.
It's like, one and a drop
and a one and a drop...
I just need to know
if my water broke
or if it's just droplets.
It's a...
-One and a drop.
-It's a one and a drop.
There's more of a swing to it:
And a one and a drop...
-It's a one and a drop
and a one and a drop.
With more of a swing to it.
-Okay it's getting faster.
It's triplets now.
Okay. Thank you I got it.
-And d-d-drop,
drop-drop-drop-drop.
-Thank you, Bobby McFerrin.
Yeah.
Okay. Thanks.
So I'm definitely in labor.
[laughs]
Oh my God.
What should we do? Should I--
Should I hug you?
-No, please don't touch me.
-Okay.
-He said I've got to go
to the hospital.
But when I went in
with Tommy,
It... [sighs]
It was 25 hours
until he was born.
25 hours of labor,
and I couldn't eat any food.
They just gave me ice chips.
-Okay, what if we
bag the movie?
It still counts,
our streak lives,
for a last supper of sorts.
I love that.
Oh, yes.
Okay. That's it.
-[fancy music plays]
I would say let me know
if you need anything else,
but this is literally
all the foods we have.
So... [chuckles]
-Don't go far, though.
We might need seconds.
Okay, no problem.
And-- Oh, I'm sorry.
It looks like you had
a little spill there.
-Oh, no no no.
That's just some drippage.
I'm in labor. [laughs]
Congratulations to me.
-In the movies,
it's like this monsoon whoosh.
[Dawn] Mh-hm.
-But in real life,
it can be trickles.
The water will keep coming.
Don't worry
about cleaning it up.
-Uh, okay. No, I definitely
will need to tell my boss that
just 'cause...
it's fluids
and there's people eating.
Who knows what's in the fluid.
[Eden] I don't think this
is gonna end well.
What are you?
The Gordon Ramsay
of my pussy?
Get out of here.
Why do you hate women?
I-- no--
-I need more chocolate mousse.
I will get that, I just--
-Thank you, bye.
I wonder what
off-Broadway play he's in.
It's like he's never seen
a pregnant person before.
Honestly, you're digging
the vibe up here?
Don't you miss
that Dominican diner?
Compared to this place?
Feels a little Stepford.
[groans]
I don't know, man.
Astoria misses you.
It's calling you.
It's like Don, Don.
Where's Don?
[coughs, groans]
Are you good, dude?
I need you to check my shit.
-Oh, my God, you're in labor.
[laughs] I forgot.
Okay. Move the panties,
please.
Yeah get in there.
I don't know the medical term
for this, but...
-Yeah?
-Your pussy is opened way
the fuck up.
How many centimeters
would way the fuck up be?
Your vagina looks like
it's yawning. Like.
[gasps] Oh my God,
call an Uber.
I thought I had more time.
Fuck, I'm still hungry.
-Okay, take your time.
It just comes in waves.
[groans]
[yells]
-Aren't women amazing?
Birth, miracle.
Enjoy your risotto.
[panting]
Eden, was that loud?
-Mm-mm.
-Are you sure?
-Miraculous.
-I feel like everyone's
looking at me.
-No, no no no,
everyone's in awe.
-[groans]
Thank you.
-Yeah.
-Eden, tip him well.
-Will do.
-Do you want some water?
Yes. I need a sip of water.
[Eden] This is amazing.
The elegance.
[guzzles]
[spits]
I don't need the water.
[jug clanks] Help me! Help me!
Where's the door?
Get the door, open the door!
[music continues]
[screams]
Eden: And that's New York,
baby!
[Liza Minelli - But the World
Goes 'Round plays]
Yes! Got it! Got it!
All right. There you go.
-[shouts, exhales]
Thank you so much. Thank you.
-This is good, this is good.
This is good.
We're almost there.
Almost there.
[breathes loudly]
-Almost there.
Oh, you're so good.
You are doing it.
You're almost there.
Fuck no, this is not good!
Get me up, get me up.
And now we're standing up.
Standing up.
-[groans]
Good, good, good. Okay.
-[panting]
You're doing so good, honey.
Standing up is no good,
standing up--
Oh, no. It hurts when I stand!
Let me get on the floor.
-You don't want to do that.
-Yes she does!
-Shut up!
-[whines]
-Okay, just do your thing.
You're doing so good,
what you're doing.
It's so gross.
[Eden] Okay.
Eyes on your own paper.
Scram!
-[yells]
Okay. We're taking it for you.
It is so hot, it is so hot!
Alright, okay.
-[cries]
Here we go.
I don't want to give birth
in the lobby. [yells]
I don't want this
to be my journey.
You never seen
a bad bitch crawl?
[music continues]
And...
Just gonna get the elevator.
-Ignore me.
Sorry to be in your way.
[pants]
-Here we go.
[groaning]
[music drowns out dialogue]
[groaning, yelling]
[elevator dings]
Okay.
Woo! Here we go!
I need to go
to the fourth floor.
Fourth floor, please.
Thank you so much.
[yelling continues]
Congratulations.
-Thank you.
[elevator dings]
[music continues]
[yelling]
-She's gonna have
your freckles. Oh my--
I am so proud of you.
-Don't touch me.
Okay.
Hold my hand. [cries]
-You got it.
-Great Dawn,
you're doing great.
-You got this.
-I'm dynamic.
You're dynamic.
Tell her she's dynamic.
-[groans]
-Oh, you are so strong.
Do you smell that?
There's a terrible smell
happening.
That's a good smell.
We can't possibly
be smelling the same thing.
-Oh my God.
Oh my God, I feel like
I have to shit.
Great. Follow it.
Just keep going.
We're almost crowning.
This is what it's all about.
Crowning's one
of the most beautiful things
you will ever see.
Push! Come on, push! [yells]
And we're crowning.
That's my daughter's forehead.
Oh my God, is it that bad?
Why does she look like that?
Did I just shit on my baby?
No. It's more like you babied
on your shit.
[yells]
Be right back.
[retches]
[music stops]
I am shocked by how disgusted
you were.
I mean, we literally
send pictures of our poopies
to each other to name.
I was shocked as well.
But I missed Tommy's birth
so I was not going to miss
this one.
But if you guys have a third,
I might have to skip.
I think it's far more
disturbing you guys text
each other every dump.
We do not text ever-y dump,
okay?
But Dawn is integral
to all my dumps.
-Aw.
-Ever since you guys
left Astoria,
instead of reading
on the toilet,
I just look at Dawn's
share-location-dot bop
around the Upper West Side.
Aw, I look at your
shared-location-dot too.
Really?
This is really cute.
Was it you two that just had
the baby, or..?
I love when Marty
is jealous of me. Yes.
-I know, right?
Don't be a jellybean.
-I am jealous.
[Dawn] Don't be jealous,
baby.
I contributed to the IP.
You honestly contributed less
to baby Melanie
than there is Cheeto dust
on my fingers.
You did what you had to do...
-Thank you.
-...and I appreciate
your service,
thoughts and prayers.
-Okay, okay.
-But if you want me
to love you
as much
as I love Eden,
can you please just...
get me some sushi?
I'm tired of chips.
I'm tired of cheese
and skittles.
I don't want
to taste the rainbow no more.
I want some sushi.
I've been waiting
ten months for this.
-No, no, no, guys,
this one's on me.
-Oh.
-I'm gonna get you the works.
And you were going to have
the sexiest, most gorgeous
postpartum poo poo
of all time.
I'm talking about you too,
Marty.
Ew.
[woman] And so,
total is $457.53.
[piano music plays]
Oh, okay. No. Okay.
That's the cost of the food
in these here bags.
Where's the butler, Madame?
Butler! [laughs]
Cash cool?
Mh-hm.
All right.
I'm not a drug dealer.
[laughs]
I'm a yoga teacher.
I got my own studio,
in my apartment.
Okay. And there's no
good guy discount?
[chuckles]
[whispers] Four.
-[music stops]
Oh my God.
Literally precious moments.
[camera clicking]
-Uh, excuse me?
-Oh. You scared me.
I know it looks creepy,
but...
Is this a gorgeous family or?
I'm not a rando.
Dawn is like my sister.
Okay, but only pre-approved
actual family members
can be in the room
after visiting hours.
Okay, well this sushi
was $500.
So do you have a fridge
I could pop it in
so it doesn't go bad for them.
No, I mean, we have a fridge,
but it's for, you know,
blood and organs.
[subway squealing]
Mmm.
[conductor over intercom]
Closing this unit down
for the holiday.
You all need to get out
and transfer to the next 2.
Oh, fuck.
Okay, okay, okay.
Wait, guys.
Hold up! MTA.
This was $500.
[subway beeps]
Hey.
Be nice to people.
[subway beeps]
[conductor over intercom]
Sir, let the doors close, sir.
Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
Whew! Oh, man.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm Eden.
Claude.
Ugh. Brutal.
My commute
is usually three trains,
but with the holidays
it's four.
Yeah. Me too. [sighs]
[both] 2 to the 7,
to the G, to the end.
[chuckling]
Uhm. [clears throat]
You like sushi?
I fucking love sushi.
[gentle piano music plays]
So where are you coming from?
Prom?
No. God, no. I hated prom.
Me too.
I love the idea of dressing up
in big ass outfits,
but to celebrate high school
is such a waste.
Like, you know,
I got neck acne
and no identity.
-[laughs]
-Take my picture. [laughs]
-No, I totally agree.
It feels like prom
should happen way later
in life.
You know,
for some higher purpose
or something.
I love that idea.
But seriously,
why are you dressed
like a waiter
from the Great Depression?
[laughing]
I was shooting a movie.
Martin Scorsese.
Yeah, I've heard of him.
-Yeah.
That guy.
-What's your role?
You're gonna laugh. Uhm...
-Okay.
But don't. It's, a...
-Okay.
A sexy black waiter.
I'm not laughing.
-Okay fine, you can laugh.
-[laughs]
It was two lines.
But in exchange,
I got this tux. [laughs]
[music brightens]
Mochi is like
a disembodied testicle.
Just try it.
-I feel like I definitely
prefer mushrooms over weed.
Mm-mm.
Shrooms have been making me
so paranoid lately.
-Have they?
Last time I did them
I freaked out
that I was pregnant.
I bought dozens and dozens
of pregnancy tests.
I took like,
I swear to God, 30.
Oh, God.
It didn't even make sense,
my paranoia, because uhm...
Okay, sorry,
this is going to be TMI,
but we are
on our second train.
No, that's cool.
This is a safe space.
[music continues]
But I have, never been,
uhm...
cummed inside, rawly.
[clears throat]
Sorry, I've never
had unprotected sex.
Wow.
-I've never
had unprotected sex either.
-Are you just saying that?
-I'm serious.
-You're not lying?
No, I mean,
I've heard great things
about it.
Humanity is obsessed
with unprotected sex.
I don't know,
it's risky out there, man.
Diseases and shit.
I get tested every month.
Oh, yeah? Same.
You don't go to the twins
on 43rd, do you?
I-- I can't believe
you're saying this.
-Oh my gosh.
-Yes.
I would trust those guys
with my life.
Honestly.
-Totally.
-I mean, they're literally
my emergency contact.
-Oh, that's a nice
two for one.
-Quite the duo.
I can't believe
you go to them.
[music continues]
Dad died when I was
in high school.
Mom died last year.
-No, I'm so sorry.
-Yeah, it's okay.
-My mom died when I was three
and a half.
My dad has issues, man.
He is a mess.
He's, like, agoraphobic
and a hoarder.
And he's kind of a deadbeat.
But I'm not trying to compete.
Deadbeat dad's not as tough
as a dead, dead dad.
Well, look, I think
we can both agree
that deadbeat, dead-dead,
they both suck.
-Yeah.
[chuckling]
Oh, it's all a mess.
But I like to live with hope.
Today I saw a baby be born.
What?
Covered in shit.
It was life in a nutshell.
A perfect, flawless,
newborn human being enveloped
in its mother's shit.
[laughs] You should put that
on a t-shirt.
Thank you. Thank you.
-[laughs]
[baby coos]
Do you want to try just
moving it, right?
Really?
You want to try it?
You want to show me
how to breastfeed
on your titties?
Show me how you'd breastfeed
your titties.
No, you try it.
No, you try it this way.
-Hi, sweet baby. How are you
enjoying the wonderful world,
cute stuff?
Here's your creams.
Witch Hazel for your labia,
Preparation H
for your hemorrhoids
and super strength ibuprofen
for all your other pains.
Bowel movement yet?
-No, not yet.
Would you like the card
of a lactation consultant?
-Yes.
-No.
-No.
[nurse] Okay.
[Marty] I'll just hold it.
But I don't want it.
And before I go,
here's some diapers for you,
cutie.
And some diapers for you.
[baby coos]
Come on, bubba.
-It's okay.
-Come on.
Was it this hard
the first time?
Like, I can't even remember.
Well, with Tommy
you had a third degree tear
with four hemorrhoids.
But this time, you only have
a second degree tear
with three hemorrhoids.
So you're kind of crushing it.
Aw.
You're doing great.
[train rattles]
-Okay, so...
what are you thankful for?
What am I thankful for?
Come on,
It's our fourth train.
It's the nice part
of the holiday,
If you can ignore
the genocide.
I don't know,
I guess I'm thankful
for my Xbox.
Does that count?
[gentle piano music plays]
Yes.
-Good.
-What do you play?
-Street fighter.
-Dude, all I do
is Street Fighter.
Who is your character?
Chun-Li.
-That is so feminist.
I love it.
I mean, powerful thighs.
Unstoppable. Who's yours?
Ryu.
Loyal since day one.
-Wow.
-What?
Are we about
to throw down?
-I think I'm about
to throw you down
and you don't stand a chance.
[laughs]
[Claude] Wait, stop!
[Eden] No I won't.
-Is this even allowed?
-You mean winning?
Okay. Even with a cheat?
Even with a cheat?
-No.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, sorry. I'm truly sorry...
-Damn it.
...that I'm shockingly good
at Street Fighter.
[music stops]
[Street Fighter
character shouts]
[exhales, chuckles]
[laughing]
Do you think
that we are going to have sex?
-Sex?
-Yes, that.
Well, it's kind of up to us,
right? We could.
We could not.
I mean, it'd be nice.
How do you feel?
I feel like it would also
be nice.
I have just one big wrinkle.
Or it's more like
one big gelatinous clot.
I am on my period.
And?
Cool.
Uhm, okay...
So then, I have an idea.
Our conversation
got my wheels turning
on those no-condom feels.
You know, I have my period,
so I can't get pregnant...
And I'm clean
by the Twins this month.
As am I.
[sighs]
Let's go ruin a towel.
[laughing]
[A Different Life
- Art Moore plays]
[music fades]
[laughing]
Oh my God.
Do you speak other languages?
Umpah.
-Umpah.
-Wait.
-Cake or pie?
-Definitely pie.
Yes.
Wait, does cheesecake count?
Oh, that is the only cake
that may top pie.
-Tell me when.
[music resumes]
Not yet.
-Tell me when.
-Not yet.
I studied French
from seventh grade
to 12th grade,
and I-- I know un per.
-[laughs]
How about now?
[squeals] Getting closer.
[laughing]
[music continues]
[Eden] At Fourth Floor
Walk-Up Yoga,
no one's judging your ass
through a window.
You're safe up here.
So as we close out this year,
fuck a resolution.
Just thank yourself
for the work you already did
this year.
Whatever you're doing,
keep doing that.
[indistinct chatter]
[music continues]
[growls]
[music fades]
Too soft.
Too hard.
[inhales sharply]
Missing.
-Missing?
I think what we want to do
is just really amp up
your supply
so it forces its way out.
I'd like to recommend...
[thud]
...a hospital grade pump.
This is the one and only
Her Majesty.
I have seen Her Majesty
pull milk out of the nipples
of boy children.
She's that powerful.
These are going super fast
from my Squarespace site:
Lactation Lesley dot com.
But I always bring
an extra one
for in-person clients.
Okay, I'll get it.
Don't know why
we're milking boys, but--
You need it, sweetie.
[phone chimes]
Okay, I guess I'll just...
Well, I'm going to get
started now, so thank you.
You can go.
[yelling from upstairs]
Oh my God.
-[front door closes]
-Jesus Christ.
What happened to you?
I got sprayed by Tommy.
-What?
-He refuses to wear undies,
so now he wants diapers again.
Me too. So what?
Some of it got in my mouth.
-Oh.
Is it weird
that I love him so much
that I didn't even care?
Like it wasn't good,
but it tasted cute.
Oh my God,
that is the most romantic shit
you have ever said.
I love you so much.
Don't ever tell anyone
that story.
We are getting fucking weird.
I think Tommy's jealous
that we're giving Melani
so much attention,
so he's regressing.
-No, we have a baby.
We don't need another baby.
In fact, we had a second baby
because he's not a baby
anymore.
We timed it perfectly, okay?
So talk to your boy
and tell him to lock it
the fuck up.
I'm sure he's. gonna follow
that logic.
I have to be diligent
with my pumping
with my low production.
I gotta...
[thud]
...get to it.
-[Tommy] Mommy.
Daddy.
-Okay, look, wait. Just wait.
Stop stop stop, please.
No. I made Melanie
with my body,
and I'm going to feed her
with my body.
I just have to figure out
how this thing works.
Wait a second,
weren't you supposed
to hang out with Eden tonight?
Yeah, but I canceled
because I've got to pump.
Okay, listen, listen, listen,
listen. Put that down.
Stop.
-What?
I go back to work next week,
which means it's going
to be you and the babies
for a couple of months,
and then you go back to work.
I can't wait for the day.
So please take me up on this.
Go out tonight, have fun.
Relaxing a bit
will be good for production.
[crying from upstairs]
Oh my God,
you're absolutely right.
[laughs] I love you so much.
Bye. I'll miss you.
I'll miss you too.
Ooh! Pump and dump.
-[pop music plays
in background]
-Oh, and... oh.
-That's good. Thank you.
[firework bangs]
Wow.
Oh! Pump and dump!
Do it. Pump it and dump it.
One more time.
Pump, pump, pump it up.
Dump, dump, dump, dump,
dump it out.
Mmm, that was good.
I'm typically the ghost-er,
not the ghost-ee.
I just really liked him.
He even left his bow tie here
and hasn't asked for it back.
Okay, you fucked a guy
that owns a bow tie?
That's, uhm... charming.
Do you have any shrooms?
Can you pump
and dump shrooms?
I can answer that.
I'm not producing anything.
So, you can't dump
what's not there.
That's deep...
I think.
Shrooms, please.
New Year's, us,
shrooms, please.
New year's, us...
-What?
I can't say no to that.
Ow!
-Aww.
Okay, I'm gonna go
to my secret spot and get 'em.
-Okay.
Oh, is this secret spot
in Fraggle Rock where--
Ooh! Yay!
You raw dogging it?
No, actually, do you have,
like, a crostini
or some butter
I can saute them in?
I need a little nosh
with my shrooms.
You are so classy
it's insane.
Thank you.
[Doja Cat - MOOO! plays]
[Dawn] This is our big titty
Ted Talk.
You're my best friends.
I work for you.
I work for everyone.
We gotta feed our baby.
Moo!
[echoing, distorted] Moo!
Hello, Dawn!
It's your titties.
We just woke the fuck up.
Know what girl?
Prepare for a flood.
Here we go!
[Apache Indian
- Boom Shack-A-Lack plays]
Oh shit! Eden! Here we go!
Woo! Get me a bottle.
Okay, got it.
Woo! It's coming!
Bitch, I'm a cow!
You see this? Woo!
Yes! Yes. What?
Melanie, I'm coming home baby!
I'm coming home!
[groans] Ow!
Not again...
Whoa! Oh, God.
Come on, shrooms. Chill.
You are some silly Simon.
-[baby screams]
-Oh...
I am not pregnant.
Come on, shrooms.
Ooh.
[lid pops]
-[blows]
Am I over a toilet?
-Completely.
[urine swooshing]
[singing] Okay, okay.
Shall we make ice cream?
Fuck!
-[lid pops]
[blows]
[urine swooshing]
-Ooh!
I feel like I could just
breastfeed the Knicks.
Dawn, uh...
Crisis.
Not in a sexual way, but...
...also in a sexual way.
-Line's positive.
Pregnant.
I feel this!
[music stops]
Oh, God.
-Okay. I'm thinking maybe,
just maybe,
I am a pregnant person.
I'm 28 for 28.
I could do a 29th?
Yeah, no.
You are clearly pregnant.
-Okay...
I-- I don't know how
this could have happened.
I've had sex once
since my last period,
but I was on my period.
-So?
-So you can't get pregnant
on your period.
Girl.
-Girl?
-Girl.
-Girl. [clears throat]
-Girl
-Girl.
-Yes you can.
Girl, stop!
Girl, you stop.
We went to the same school.
We learned the same shit.
Come on. No you can't.
Ma'am, I'm a doctor.
You are a dentist.
You're a whore.
[laughs] True.
You're a whore.
You're a flexible whore.
Better believe.
Maybe it's someone else?
No, Claude is the only person
it could be.
I don't even know
his last name.
Maybe y'all got
some mutual people
you know in common?
Oh, I don't think we do,
but uhm...
Actually.
[both] Hey! Eden!
[Eden] Hey, how are ya?
Long time no see.
So, what are we doing today?
Left arm, right arm?
Uhm, actually,
I am not here to get tested.
I am here to ask
about another patient.
LOL. His name is Claude.
[inhales sharply] Ooh, okay
uh...
Yeah. We can't talk
about other patients.
I'm not sure
if you're familiar with HIPAA.
It's against the rules.
-HIPAA.
-HIPAA.
-Familiar with HIPAA?
-HIPAA, oh yeah.
-We can't--
-Hope, HIPAA.
I got a tip up for ya.
It's that HIPAA.
Ooh, you hit the HIPAA?
-You hit the HIPAA.
-He's hit the HIPAA.
Hungry, hungry HIPAA.
It's the H, the I, the P,
the P the A, the H,
the I, the P.
Is HIPAA.
Totally respect.
-Mh-hm.
But the thing is I am...
pregnant with Claude's fetus.
[fake laughs]
I can't get him on the phone.
I don't know his last name.
You know how it is
because you test people
who fuck a lot.
Uhm... he was just
in a Scorsese movie.
Do you know him?
-Yeah, yeah.
We-- we know exactly
who you're talking about.
He's beautiful, man.
-Mm.
Kind-- kind eyes.
He has kind eyes.
But here's the thing about
him, though. Uh...
He died. [exhales]
He died. He's dead.
What?
That was very poorly done.
-What do you mean?
Bro, I mean, the other thing
about him?
-It's hard news to break.
-Right.
When? How?
-[sighs] It was the day
after Thanksgiving.
Freak accident.
He choked on an almond.
We were really surprised
to get the call,
but also felt honored
that he saw us
as emergency contact level
dudes.
He knows. Pretty cool.
-Right.
Did he die alone?
Yes he-- yes he did.
He died alone.
There wasn't anyone there
to deliver the Heimlich.
Yeah. It's perilous
to live alone.
One of the many reasons
I love living with this guy.
-Right.
-We give each other
the Heimlich all the time.
-All the time.
-Yeah.
We had thin throats
growing up.
I mean,
we have thin throats now.
We were born premature, so...
-Yeah.
-And we eat too fucking fast.
-Too fast.
Me too.
Holy shit. I'm pregnant
with a dead man's baby?
I mean, I wouldn't say that...
I mean, he was alive
when you fucked him.
-He was alive. He was alive
when you...
But he is fucking currently.
Well, yeah.
-Yeah.
-He's gone.
-Yeah, yeah.
-He's dead.
-Yeah.
[sighs]
[enthusiastically] Single mom.
She may not keep the baby.
Choice.
Oh, right. Right.
[enthusiastically] Single...
[Kevin Morby - Nothing Sacred
/ All Things Wild plays]
[music fades]
[subway squeaks]
I do think that the subway
sounds like
the Gregorian chants
from like the 1500s.
[subway squeals]
That's weird.
[singing high notes]
There it goes again.
There it is.
[music resumes]
[music fades]
So you're sure that's a fetus
and not like
my spleen got loose
and is floating around?
I am as certain as I am that
this combover is no longer
working for me,
and I need a new idea.
Mmm.
I can't believe I got pregnant
on my period.
I thought that was impossible.
-It's not likely,
but possible.
Does the fetus look healthy?
Because I didn't know
I was pregnant
and I've had [exhales]
weed, shrooms, alcohol,
sushi, coffee
and unpasteurized cheese.
Well, if you decide
to continue
with the pregnancy,
all of that has to stop.
But the fetus looks great.
We should do some genetic
testing to make sure
there aren't any
big red flags.
Jewish people carry
certain diseases.
How did you know
I was Jewish?
You put J on the form.
-Oh, I filled it out. Yeah.
Okay. Do you only do
minority stuff?
Certain ethnicities
carry certain
genetic diseases.
So genetic testing
is necessarily racist.
It's true. Doctor Morris
wanted to test me
for sickle cell,
and I was offended.
Well, you called me
a white devil.
But turns out I'm a carrier,
so this white devil knows
what he's talking about.
So we don't have
the father's DNA?
No.
-Okay, well we have your DNA,
so you can schedule
a screening with the Quest,
and you can have the results
on your phone in a jiff.
-Okay. Guess I'll go swab up
some Jew cells.
[vacuum whirs]
Hey big boy, you wanna
help Mama clean?
Okay.
Oh come on, I have refreshed
this app so many times
my phone is starting
to get hot.
You don't have to do anything
you don't want to do.
Honestly? Honestly,
you wouldn't judge me
if I got an abortion?
Even if the baby's healthy?
-Absolutely not.
Look, you got to think
about yourself, Eden, okay?
This is all about your choice
and what's good for you.
Oh, the results are in,
It says no red flags. And...
It's all good.
Listen. It's okay.
I have your back,
no matter what.
Truly, truly, truly,
you will be there for me
every step of the way,
no matter what choice I make?
I need to know that.
[Melanie crying]
Yes.
Okay.
I am going to have...
A baby. [laughs]
I'm going to have the baby.
Mom? Yeah. [laughs]
[sighs] Okay.
-Yes. I'm going
to be a mother.
I'm going to be a mommy,
I like that.
Okay, mamacita.
No, that's appropriation.
[claps] Okay,
I'm having a baby.
Okay? Yes, dog.
Yeah. It just feels
like destiny.
And this is Destiny's Child.
[laughs] Can you believe that?
Did you hear that,
Destiny's Child?
Oh! Jumpin', jumpin'.
Whoa. Okay. It's on.
Eden. Are you sure about this?
Because the hormones
can be pretty intense--
Hormones? LOL.
Mitch McConnell,
uhm, I love you. What?
Eden, I just want to--
I'm just trying to say--
What I'm-- I'm just.
Dawn, you think I can do this.
Right?
[Melanie crying]
[Marty] Mama! Melanie's
waiting for you.
-Yeah.
-Yes!
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
[Marty] Mommy, really.
-Yes.
-Yes.
[Le Tigre
- My My Metrocard plays]
[Eden on phone] You did not
tell me how sexy it is
to be pregnant.
Were you crazy horny?
It comes out of nowhere.
[Dawn] I honestly
can't even remember.
Hey.
[groans]
[sighs]
[Eden on phone] But girl,
you been to the grocery store
lately?
That produce is teasing us.
Two orgasms
are better than one. [laughs]
[music stops]
She's here, she's here.
Nanny Dani is here.
Oh, thank God. [chuckles]
-You had just moved here
and I went
to the new playground
with Tommy.
Everyone was so fancy
up there.
One fancy couple liked
how I played with Tommy
and want me to go
and work for them,
and I say I can't.
I work for Marty and Dawn,
but they asked me,
just babysit one night.
And I said, okay.
When fancy parents came back,
they offered me fancy drinks
and fancy desserts.
One fancy thing led to another
and they offered me
a full time job.
And I said yes.
-Whore.
-You don't mean that.
She doesn't mean that.
[laughs] You're not that.
-[exhales]
[Eden] Do you have any advice
for me as an upcoming
black parent?
No, because you're
not a black parent.
You're going
to be a white parent
of a half black child.
Yes. Excellent note.
[door opens]
-Hey, how's everything going?
Pregnancy wise,
I'm killing it.
I don't have morning sickness,
but I do have
morning horniness.
Afternoon and night as well.
Well, that is wonderful.
This-- [growls]
Just don't look at it.
It's just way out of hand.
-Okay, well,
I read that it's good
to have a birth plan,
and I read some basic ones,
and they are just so sterile.
I mean, all they talk about
is medicine and apparatuses.
I'm like, cool?
I want this birth
to be original,
one that celebrates humanity.
I'm thinking less
in clinical terms
and more along the line
of theme.
And the theme of my birth
will be, drumroll please,
Doctor Morris.
[sighs]
Prom.
Prom sucked for me,
Claude hated it too.
A person, giving birth
should be the prom of life.
That's when the pageantry
is truly deserved.
So welcome to...
Eden's prom birth
extravaganza.
[laughs]
I've already started building
a epic Spotify playlist.
Okay, I'll, I'll read this
when I have a chance
to really take it in.
Actually, that's the only
hard copy I have,
so I will email you guys PDFs.
[tranquil music plays]
And now guys we're going
to gently go
into downward dog, okay?
[clears throat]
[swallows loudly]
[gasps]
[groans]
Let's go into upward dog.
[people breathing heavily]
[vomit swirls]
[swallows]
[chokes]
[clears throat]
[swallows]
[exhales]
[grunts]
[exhales]
[music stops]
Oh, it is scorching out here.
What? It's 61 and beautiful.
You are scorching.
Oh, man. It feels like
the surface of the sun.
God, I am flying
through underwear.
Oh, yeah,
the random vagina waters.
It's not piss, it's not sweat.
It's just like a--
A proper mix, like...
like salad dressing.
[exhales]
You sure you gonna be okay
to babysit?
-Oh, yeah. Of course.
You and Marty
deserve a date night.
[burping]
Never treble burped before.
You look good, though, bitch.
Let's go.
[electro music plays]
Yes. Oh, are you crowning?
We don't know,
but you got a crown on.
[camera clicking]
I don't know
if you're giving me
Little Kim or Rachel Dolezal,
but I'm here for it.
Give me, 'Oops.
Did I just have
the last donut?'
What?
Give me shy whore.
You know how to do it.
[camera clicking continues]
[seductively] Hi.
[music stops]
Babe, we got to go to dinner.
[Dawn] I'm in the zone, Marty.
-Why is she wearing
a mosquito net?
That's fine.
[Tommy coos]
Jesus Christ, [laughs]
you scared me, Tommy.
[tense TV music plays
in background]
[sighs] Okay, I'm not
your mommy or your daddy.
I've always considered us
friends.
So as a friend,
what is going on
with the baby thing?
I don't know, it's fun.
It's fun.
I hear that, but I don't know.
To me, being a baby
looks like it sucks.
Like if you were a big boy,
I'd ask you
to watch this with me.
It's an R-rated movie.
It's called The Omen.
It's about a boy like you.
-Is he a big boy or a baby?
-He's actually the devil.
Woo? [laughs]
What's the devil?
Okay, let's just watch.
No more spoilers.
But if I let you watch,
you cannot tell your parents,
okay?
And you're going
to stop acting like a baby.
Deal?
Deal.
-Okay.
He a big boy.
Oh, with a paci, but...
It 's a start.
[explosion]
[screams]
Whoa! That was intense.
[Dawn] It's your tone.
[Marty] I have no tone.
-That's the tone I'm--
-Shh!
[door closes]
-Hey. He uh... couldn't sleep.
It's okay.
All right, buddy, let's go.
[whispering]
Let's go upstairs.
Come on, Tommy.
-Come on. [grunts]
There we go.
[Tommy whines]
Oh, we're still doing
the paci? Okay.
You got it? All right.
Say good night to Eden.
-Oh, what a good dada.
Dada can go fuck himself.
-Totally.
The whole night,
he was just going on and on
and on about
my low milk production.
I mean, he even said
I should quit
because I'm stressed
and that I should feel
more confident
and I should feel good
about myself.
And he said I was beautiful.
-That sucks.
When you hear that
from somebody who love
and supports you.
It's the worst.
He's such a know it all.
Are you guys
having sexual intercourse?
No. Not since Melanie
was born.
That makes sense.
That makes a ton of sense.
It's not like I don't want
to, I do.
Did you see him
in that sweater?
He looks good.
What parent
wears white clothing?
[laughs] It's wild.
But there's never a time
because we're so busy
and have so many things to do.
And he's always holding a kid,
which is really hot.
But you can't just knock
the kid out of his hand
and sit on his dick.
That's not how life works.
[alarm beeping]
God, gotta go milk the donuts.
Here we go again.
-All right, I'm going
to ask you something.
How many feedings
are you getting in
with your titty milk
for Melanie in a day.
Like, one day?
You know how the earth spins
on an axis?
I know how it works,
yeah, a day.
-So, I would say one-ish
Bitch.
-Bitch.
-Mm-mm bitch.
-Bitch.
-Bitch.
-Biatche.
-Bitch.
-Bitch.
-Bitch.
-Bitch.
-The stories you tell
yourself, bitch.
-Bitch.
-Bah bah bah bitch.
-Bitch.
-Come on, dude,
why are you doing it?
I just...
I just want that feeling
of nourishing.
[fake laughs]
You want to nourish?
I laugh at that.
All you do is nourish.
You nourish Melanie,
you nourish Tommy,
you nourish Marty,
you nourish me,
you nourish
the fucking mail carrier.
You nourish the bodega guy,
you walk in a room,
you're sunshine.
You're giving light, warmth,
energy without even trying.
All you do is nourish.
You're-- You're a night time
cruise buffet of nourish.
Enough.
[exhales]
Okay, uhm... Wow. [sighs]
You know, honestly,
I could use a little break
because my nipples,
they look like, uhm...
Have you ever seen a sausage,
but not in the casing?
That's what my nipples
look like.
They look like
a melted Tootsie roll,
just a very long, brown,
skinny, sugary sweet.
Ew? Mm. [chuckles]
-Sometimes I feel like
getting my nipple in my bra
is like figuring out
how to fold a fitted sheet.
There's just so many corners.
[sharply inhales] Something
to look forward to.
It's just, I don't want
to be a quitter.
You don't have to go out
on breastfeeding
with your tail
between your legs.
You can fucking attack.
[Shania Twain - Man! I Feel
Like A Woman plays!]
[pot smashes]
I love that flower pot.
-Oh, sorry.
But I also love that.
[box thuds]
[mildly] Ooh.
Come on. Is it
the espadrilles?
[mildly] Ha!
No, Dawn,
I want to see you destroy.
Everything about our bodies
is wrong.
You get a complex
that you're not enough,
so here it is. What are you
going to do?
Okay, uhm... Yeah.
You made me feel like I suck,
and I know I don't suck.
You don't suck shit!
Oh, God, I think
I peed a little.
That's right.
-You want to pump some more?
-That's right.
-You wanna pump some more?
-Get him, Tony!
-Do you wanna pump some more?
-Get him Tony!
-Do you want to pump some
more?
-Get him Tony!
-What's that?
What's that, you finicky
little bitch?
Oh, you want me
to light you on fire?
No problem.
-[cracks]
Help me up.
-[claps]
-[match strikes]
[fire roars]
[music continues]
[music stops]
[traffic hums]
So make sure that Tommy
wears his big boy undies
and that he sits on the potty.
He won't like it,
but definitely--
I understand,
I will do my best.
Uhm... God, what else
was I gonna say?
It's been so long
since I've been back to work.
I'm just, uhm--
Don't worry, I've got this.
I'm from East New York.
I raised, like, 438 kids.
[laughs]
Okay, great.
I'm gonna get going then.
Go start your work life.
I'm gonna start
my work life. Thank you.
What are you, like,
the Puerto Rican Brene Brown?
Dominican, but it's okay,
my husband's Boricua.
[laughing]
[uplifting music plays]
[female voice] Welcome back,
kiddo!
[cheering]
Hi honey!
Look at you.
-Look at me.
-Your timing is perfect.
I just heard back.
You're one of the finalists
for the Invisalign campaign.
Oh, my God, that's amazing.
They're down to three.
Oh that's great.
That is so great.
We could really use
the extra money.
I always dreamed I'd be
one of those nine out of ten
dentists agree spokespeople
for commercials.
But I just never had the chin
for TV.
You have it.
[scoffs] You know what?
You have a shot
because you are good looking
for a dentist.
I think this
was a compliment, right?
And I have found
in my experience,
good looking dentists
are serial killers,
but not you.
Fingers crossed.
I'm going to keep you posted
on this one, okay?
Thanks.
-Welcome back.
Come on, come on everybody.
[cheering]
[indistinct chatter]
Hey, Tommy.
Just coming to check.
Did you put on
your big boy undies?
[sinister sting]
-[whispering voices]
-[doors slamming]
-[baby giggling]
-[gasps]
[sinister sting]
[prays in Spanish]
[rising sting]
[screaming]
[cracker crunching]
[heaves]
[swallows] Ah...
[phone vibrates]
[sighs]
[Dawn on phone] Babe,
I am so sorry,
but I can't make the amnio.
Our new nanny just quit.
I didn't know Satan worship
was a part of regression
for a child,
but I got to get
the fuck home.
He drew six six sixes
and upside down crosses
all over his room.
He hissed at her in tongues.
Uh, anyways, I'm so sorry.
Good luck, Boo!
[somber music plays]
[sharply inhales]
[exhales]
Hey Dad. It's [clears throat]
Eden, your grown daughter.
Uhm, I just wanted
to let you know
that I'm having a baby.
And I have a really big
appointment today.
Amniocentesis.
I know you don't like
tall buildings
or-- or small buildings
[laughs] or hospitals,
but I was just curious
if you might want to come.
I can text you the details.
I know, I know,
it's last minute.
Either way, though,
congratulations.
You're --you're going
to be a grandpa, so...
Yeah. Okay.
Bye.
[music continues]
[sighs]
[music fades]
[sonogram whirs]
Woah.
-Looking good.
Fantastic head shape.
Hey, speaking of head shape,
what do you think?
You know, with the shaved.
[heaves]
It's nice.
It's terrible,
but I appreciate it.
[chair buzzes]
Do you want to know the sex?
-No, thank you.
I don't want to put a binary
on them right now,
but I feel like I know.
Maternal intuition.
It is a male spirit.
-Uh-huh.
How wild is it
to have a vagina
and be growing a penis?
I have a baby dick
inside of me? What?
Yeah. I never thought of that.
Little fetus penis.
That almost rhymes.
But I don't want
to know formally,
because I want Dawn here
for that.
And I'm pretty sure
she'd want to be here
for that, too.
Just to toss it out...
You might want to hire a doula
just in case Dawn's too busy
with, you know, her family.
Wait, what? Say it again.
Well, Dawn might be too busy
with her family, you know,
given the schedule.
[laughs] No, no, no.
Dawn and I are family.
We are sisters.
-Uh-huh.
-Spouses.
Parents to each other
at times.
So I just hear you, thank you,
but no thank you.
So, uhm...
Amnio time. You ready?
It's a pretty big needle.
[exhales] Yes. Just don't stab
my baby's dick.
I'm going to be more worried
about the head.
Both are precious.
[sonogram whirs]
It's a good sized pocket.
Thank you.
-[gasps]
Oh, what?
-I told you it was big.
That's not big.
That's-- that's LOL.
What are we--
That's for my--
-Yeah.
-Cool.
No. Cool.
-Okay, you ready?
-Mh-hm.
-Okay.
-Mh-hm. [inhales sharply]
All right.
[screams]
No no no no no no no no no.
Just stop.
Just give me a sec.
Just give me a sec.
[inhales sharply]
Wow, you are such a big man.
You need that needle.
It does--
You're double my size.
What do you need
this needle for?
It does eventually have to go
inside to get the fluid.
That needle's nuts!
Okay, what about a blindfold?
How about that?
We don't blindfold
our patients, it's--
it's unethical.
Okay, how about a gag? Hm?
No gags, no blindfolds.
We don't do medicine that way.
It'll be fine.
[exhales]
You won't even feel it.
-Okay, okay.
Okay? Good.
Doctor Morris. [exhales]
-Good, good, good.
-Je trust.
-Okay.
-[sonogram whirs]
[screams] No, no!
[sighs]
-Mm-mm No. Sorry.
I wasn't even close.
Mm, I was ready, but I--
[chuckles]
Okay.
-Okay, okay.
Okay.
-I'll gag you.
Ah...
Now don't tell anyone.
[arguing outside]
[exhales]
[Doctor Morris] Perfect.
[Eden] Oh, Jesus.
[female voice]
Sorry Doctor Morris!
This is my dad.
[Doctor Morris] Oh.
What are you doing
to my kid, man?
You could come in and just--
just take a seat.
-Okay.
-Hi.
[Dad] How you doing?
Ready?
[Eden] Mh-hm.
[sonogram whirs]
-Okay, there it is.
[Dad screams]
Sorry. I'm sorry.
Keep going, keep going,
keep going.
[exhales] Sorry.
I'm sorry, honey.
[traffic hum]
[birds chirping]
If this isn't good--
-No, no, no.
It's great, it's great,
it's fantastic.
[sighs]
So who's the uhm...
Who's the dad?
This guy Claude.
He reminds me of Mom,
actually, from what
you've described.
Where the fuck is he?
He died.
Oh wow.
He is like Mom.
[laughs]
Shit.
Yeah.
-Honey, I'm so sorry.
Yeah.
Does he have any family?
Not really. It's just small
like ours.
Not a lot left.
I tracked down his
closest relative
who got his ashes.
It was his second cousin,
and we zoomed.
I thought it was going to be
this mind blowing moment,
but it definitely
just creeped her out.
W-- were you together long?
No, not-- not long.
But I don't know,
I don't know...
It was an important
connection.
A real connection.
Connection?
It can't be measured in time,
you know?
Grammy and grandpa
were together for 50 years.
They hated each other's guts.
[laughs]
And I know, myself,
I've not been the best parent,
perhaps, in the world.
But maybe one of the perks
of being a bad dad is that,
I don't know....
You turned out so good.
So, so strong, so resourceful.
So you think
if you were a good dad,
I'd be a worse person?
Exactly. That's exactly
what I mean.
-[laughs]
I mean, there's all kinds
of great dads out there
with shitty kids, right?
That's true.
That's really true.
If a guy like me, right,
with the scant crumbs
of parenting that I put forth,
can call somebody
as sensational as you are
his daughter,
Well, you got this.
You can do this.
Thanks, Dad.
-[soft piano music plays]
Look, honey, I know this
should be, like, a great time
for this to turn
into a Nora Ephron movie,
you know?
And I come to all
your appointments and stuff,
but I'm sorry, honey,
I just can't, I won't.
It's not going to happen.
You know, just sitting here,
I just start to feel.
I'm just-- My heart's racing.
It's just not good.
I don't feel good. You know,
-I feel you.
It's okay. This...
This was good.
I got a lot out of this crumb.
No, it-- it sucks.
But I want you to know
that I would really love
to meet your baby someday.
Okay? But I gotta go--
I gotta go now. I'm sorry.
Thanks, Dad.
-Okay.
[exhales]
[sighs]
[birds chirping]
[music fades]
I missed
the Invisalign meeting.
They're going to go
with someone else
and we need that money.
[Marty] Okay, but I can't
take time off work like you.
Just give it a couple
more weeks,
we'll find another Nanny.
Guys. Hey, guys.
Hey. I got your message.
I was just in the area
after my appointment
and saw your share location
was here.
Used my keys. Hey. [chuckles]
So, uh, yeah.
Good news from the appointment
is my, appetite's coming back?
[laughs]
So, uhm, 'sup?
[chip crunching]
Uhm... [claps]
My amnio was pretty good,
but Doctor Morris
was just like,
"Where's Dawn?"
And I didn't know what to say.
He was kind of pissed and sad.
Just because you said
you were going to be
at all the appointments.
So just maybe
you shouldn't miss more.
Our children
were almost abandoned
because you decide
to show Tommy The Omen.
He just demon-ed our nanny
right out of our house.
Whoa! He told you?
We had a deal.
We, you know,
pinky-sweared out or whatever,
but that's their language
at that point.
He's four going on one.
He's not beholden
to pinky swears, Eden.
-I'm so sorry.
I was trying
to do a nice thing,
and it backfired.
And I'll...
I'll go.
Okay, I'll see ya.
Okay, one last thing.
-Oh my God.
-Doctor Morris was just like,
"Maybe you should
get a doula."
And I was like, "What?
What are you talking about?"
"I don't think Dawn's going
to miss more."
So should I even consider
getting a doula?
Yeah.
I think you should get a doula
because we have no childcare.
Get a doula.
Got it. Okay,
I'm going to get a doula.
Just get a back up doula.
Not a definite doula.
I'm going to get
a doula back up.
Not a doula definite.
No. You should get a doula
as a definite.
Definitely get yourself
a doula
I-- I-- I got it.
Sorry about that. All right.
I'll uh...
[keys rattle]
You can have the chips.
[quirky music plays]
Why does she
still have a key?
-I don't know.
[both] Same. [laughing]
Crazy. Your face,
your resume, your vibe.
We are very similar.
I think you're gonna find that
all doulas are super similar
to you, dude.
You should just be a doula.
[laughing]
Thank you.
I'm looking for a backup Dawn,
and she's like a foil,
whereas you're like a--
[both] Saran wrap.
You know--
-I know what you mean.
[laughing]
I'm going to have to pass.
[music continues]
[chuckles]
[exhales]
Okay. You can go.
Why am I a doula as a man?
Simple.
I just want to honor
the female body.
Get out!
I'm sorry.
I know it sounds creepy,
but it's true.
I really mean it.
[sighs] Let me hear it
one more time.
I want to honor
the female body.
I'm sorry.
Maybe I'm backwards.
but when you say that
I get sick.
That's your journey.
Okay, don't say journey.
Get out of here.
-Your name? Dragana.
What does that mean,
a female dragon?
No.
I figured. I was just joking.
So what's your experience
level?
40 years doula,
40 years wet nurse.
You've been a wet nurse
for 40 years?
Lactating every day since 16.
[gasps]
[claps] Hallelujah.
I mean, people don't even know
about the phenomenon
of wet nursing,
keeping milk pumping
through your titties
to feed other people's babies.
I love this, this electricity.
You're the one.
You're back up, Dawn.
Okay.
[music stops]
Tommy.
You gonna be good to Blanche?
Blanche, you're not afraid
of witches or anything
like that?
Demons, chupacabras?
[Dawn] You can say so.
-No?
-No judgment. [laughs]
You're locked in.
You are locked in.
Bye. You guys.
Bye. Love you so much.
[Marty] The good times
are here.
[Tommy whines]
[soft music plays]
[Marty] Tommy, be good.
[Dawn] Love you so much.
-See ya!
[high fives, kisses]
[Tommy] Mom!
[hitting door]
Mom! Mommy!
Mommy! Mom!
[singing] Happy Birthday,
dear Daddy
[singing] Happy Birthday
to you
[blows]
[biting sounds]
[Marty] The monsters
are gonna be faster
than the humans.
[biting sounds]
[laughs]
[music fades]
[door opens]
[Doctor Morris] Dawn!
Good to see you. Been a while.
Yeah, you too.
I've been swamped.
Work and kids and
work and kids.
It was also Marty's birthday
weekend. No big deal.
More work, more kids.
But I took the day off
to sort of break it up
to be here. So, yeah.
I am so grateful
to have you back.
I'm running on fumes.
-Oh yeah, the end.
Yeah, so close but so far.
And it only gets worse
from here. [laughs]
-My wife and I had a babymoon
little trip,
before the baby was born
to celebrate.
Because you don't have time
after, right?
-That's right.
It's the last time I had hair.
And truthfully, a wife.
Oh.
Oh no, she's not dead.
She just hates bald guys.
Tried to fix it
with these stupid plugs,
but now I look like
a fucking monster. [laughs]
No, you're wearing plugs?
I had zero clue.
Same. They look natural.
Very, like, I want to run
my finger in that.
-Thank you. Still, a babymoon
is a good idea.
-That is a really good idea.
I just uhm...
It would be so weird
and sad to go alone. [laughs]
I would go with you.
-What?
-Yeah I-- I really need this--
to do for you.
I want to do this for you.
You're a good doctor.
[pop music plays]
Whoo! All right!
Mama's ready
to let her hair down
and take her tits out.
I'm free. Oh my God.
-[dance music plays]
Oh, my God, I haven't been
on a bridge in a while. [gags]
-When I say baby,
you say moon, baby...
-Moon.
-Baby...
-Moon.
-Baby...
-Moon.
Babymoon, here we go.
Okay, I'm just
gonna lay back.
Woo!
[tranquil music plays]
[exhales]
[woman] Welcome, champagne?
[man] Hi, I'll take these.
[Dawn] Thank you.
-Hi. Oh, sorry, I'm pregnant.
-Okay.
So, do you have anything
that's non-alcoholic?
Yeah. Of course.
Here you go.
Oh, actually,
is this one of those flowers
you can eat?
Like, one of those fun,
edible flowers or just a...
big dumb flower you plopped
in the water. [chuckles]
I don't know,
these are just the flowers
we have here
in all the water.
Well, I'll pass.
Okay, of course. No problem.
Congrats, by the way.
Oh, thank you.
-Yeah.
[folk music plays]
[Dawn] ...out of this world.
[Eden] Whoo!
-Okay!
-Yes, I'm getting country,
I'm getting city.
I'm just feeling wealthy.
Oh, hey! Oh, ho!
Oh my God, look at this bed.
-Yes.
Look at you.
-So Japanese and so Feng Shui.
Get on here.
It's so comfortable. Try it.
Oh my goodness.
Oh, and there's free wine.
Ohh...
That is-- sounds good.
Okay.
It's a cab sauv.
My favorite.
-Ohh.
-I'm gonna go wash my poon
because she is feeling dank.
Ohh.
-Comfy, right?
-Yes.
Bitch, it's a babymoon.
[chuckles] Whoo!
Ah, I don't...
Oh, okay. That...
that did help.
Okay.
Ah!
[clears throat]
[exhales]
[tranquil music plays]
Welcome. Dawn on this table,
other guest on this one.
Please undress
and get settled,
and we'll be back in a moment.
[Dawn] Thank you.
Okay. Can you lay
on your stomach, please?
Oh. No, I'm-- I'm pregnant.
Okay.
There is a button to click
if you are pregnant.
Just so we can get
a special trained person
for you.
Did you click it?
-I didn't book it.
She did. Dawn, did you click
a pregnant button?
[Dawn] Oh, so good already
right there.
[whispering] Okay, so...
what. should we do?
I don't know,
I've never worked
on a pregnant person before,
so I just don't want to do
something wrong.
I guess I have this fear
that I will tweak a nerve
of yours, and then
the blood flow gets cut off
and the baby drops dead.
Jesus.
Very dark. Yeah,
we don't want to do that.
I don't want to waste
your money or your time.
So let me just think
of something else
I could do for you, okay?
[Dawn moaning] Oh, yeah.
-How about
a nice foot massage?
I don't think I could kill
your baby through your feet.
You know what?
A foot massage sounds good,
but could we, pump the brakes
on the baby killing verbiage?
No more of that.
Now, let's get going on
those feet, okay?
Okay.
[whimsical music plays]
[chuckles]
[Dawn] Oh, yeah.
So good.
Could you go
a little firmer?
It feels like a bug
is crawling on my feet.
I just don't want
to press too hard because...
Well, you don't want me
to say.
When you say you don't want me
to say, I know what you mean.
So it still kills the vibe.
Could you give me
any pressure, please?
Okay.
[Dawn moaning]
Oh, it's so good.
Oh, your hands are magic.
[crickets chirping]
[music fades]
[silverware clinks]
Ooh, sorry it took so long,
honey.
I washed my hands, like,
50 times.
The soap is so good.
Smell. It's a jelly.
Okay? I can't eat anything
right now.
I would eat those hands.
So good. I took some
to take home.
-I was just gonna ask you
how the house is feeling now.
A little while in.
Are you guys still thinking
of making the basement
an Airbnb?
Ugh, the quote from the
contractor was crazy,
so we don't even know
if it's worth it.
Okay, so I-- I had an idea.
[waitress] Wine plate
for you.
-Thank you.
-Water for you,
flower on the side.
-Thank you so much.
Mmm. You know what? Excuse me.
Can I get another flight?
-Yes, ma'am.
Thank you. Just making
a round trip. [laughs]
[groans]
Ooh. [slurps]
That is delicious. Ooh.
[slurps]
Oh, it's a little buttery.
[slurps]
Ahh.
So, you said you had an idea.
What is it?
Maybe not while you're drunk.
It's a little more serious.
-[laughs] I'm not drunk.
I'm just relaxed,
I'm having fun.
I'm a little tipsy.
[sighs] Okay, okay.
Well, I was thinking,
what about instead
of an Airbnb,
me and my baby moved in.
Are you serious?
-Yeah I am.
Can't you picture it?
You guys upstairs
and me and my baby downstairs.
Just around.
You know, we just would
never have to say goodbye.
We would have that casual
see you later vibes.
I-- just going through this,
I would love that comfort.
And, come on,
we always dreamed
of living like that.
Girl, we dreamed
about that shit
when we were 11.
We were children.
We're grown ups now, adults.
That's not realistic. Okay?
Okay.
But we never dreamed
at any age
of taking four trains
for two hours
to hang out for 45 minutes
where you're pretty bitchy
and not fun the whole time.
Can I be honest with you?
I am exhausted.
Exhausted actually doesn't
even cover it.
I-- I did this to myself.
I'm mind fucked myself.
Because when your first kid
gets a little older,
you think, "Wow,
this isn't so bad.
I could do this again."
And like a fucking lunatic,
you have a second child
thinking that shit's going
to be easier.
And it's not.
The first year
with your second child
is a special kind of hell.
It is vicious, relentless.
An endless loop
of other people's needs.
-Which is why me
and the basement
would be chill.
Chill?
You think this would be chill?
In my already suffocating,
storm of shit fire.
You decided to have a baby
with a random
fucking stranger.
Whoa. Hurtful dude.
Claude really meant something
to me.
And I know all this
may be weird,
and do I wish I was normal?
Do I wish I could live
in boring, predictable bliss?
Of course I do, but I'm not.
I had something special
with this one person.
So here we are.
And sure, I'm scared
of the decision I made.
I feel, like,
a lion is chasing me scared.
But I know that we can handle
anything together,
and we wouldn't even have
to be having this conversation
if you didn't just up and move
to the Upper West Side
without even consulting me.
-Oh my God, I do not
have to consult you.
Adults don't plan their lives
around their best friends.
Jesus Christ Eden,
with the 11 year old dreams
and the birth prom plan.
You live like a child.
Have you even started
to prep baby stuff
in your house?
Or are you just waiting for me
to do it?
No, you know what
you're waiting for?
You want to move into my house
and mooch off of my family?
Fuck you.
Best friends
are so fucked over
in adulthood.
If we don't
couple ourselves off,
we are fucked.
Not everybody's made up
like that.
I've known you twice as long
as Marty.
And a lifetime longer
than Tommy
and Melanie's brand new ass.
What? Just because
we're not blood related,
we're not family?
That's bullshit.
You and me, we're family.
[crickets chirping]
We're family.
I have a family.
[somber music plays]
Listen. And I say this
for your own good.
Rather than living together
and becoming too reliant
on each other,
I think it's good for us
to take some space,
gain our independence.
We can just focus
on our families.
I can focus on mine,
you can focus on yours.
I really do think
this will be for the best.
Yeah, I think
it will be fucking great.
[music fades]
[car hums]
[exhales]
[machine whirring]
[mellow music plays]
Marty?
Marty? [coughs]
[Marty] We're in the kitchen.
[coughs]
What was that?
What is going on?
What is that smell?
-I tried to get Tommy
on the potty again.
We flushed, and then the pipes
backed up
and everything exploded.
[music fades]
Tommy's never getting back
on the potty.
Neither will I.
[plastic rustles]
So, I figured out
what happened.
There was a clog
in an old original pipe.
I'm talking about
a 200 year old clog here.
Centuries of new shit
just piling up on old shit
and just pushing that shit.
Almost like new shit
was shitting out
the old shit.
And I mean, like,
Revolutionary War dook, man.
It's like New Amsterdam,
Arakaka.
And suddenly it all went pop!
[gags]
-That's the nightmare
we're all smelling up
our noses right now.
We see it all the time.
-You see this all the time?
Our home
is a functional sewer.
In New York, constantly.
There's a brownstone joke
there to make.
Some plumbers do,
but I don't.
I've given my whole
fucking life
to fighting stench.
Okay. Thank you
for your service.
Can you please not touch that?
-Nice counter.
[pipes glug]
[muffled] Oh my God.
[coughs]
Oh, my-- [retches]
[Marty] Okay.
I'll be right there.
Thank you.
[stairs creak]
Whoa! You okay?
Okay, am I okay?
Our house oozes of civil war,
racist dumps.
It smells like
Thomas Jefferson's colon,
A-- and you want to know
if I'm okay?
No, I'm not okay. All right?
I just can't take it anymore.
What can't you take?
-It!
What is it?
I don't know what it is.
And that's part
of the problem too.
I can't pinpoint what it is.
I just know
that I can't take it.
I just feel like I have it all
and nothing at once.
I couldn't wait
to get back to work,
but then at work,
I missed the kids
and I feel like a bad parent
because I'm not with them.
And when I'm home,
I don't want
to fucking be here.
I want to be motherfucking
free and...
And I'm-- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for being
in such a bad mood
all the time.
You're doing so good.
Just trying to hold it
together for me
and the kids, and always
in a good mood,
and always cleaning
and never complaining
about all the shitty diapers.
So... I just want to say
thank you for that.
I'm sorry I'm such a bummer.
[sighs]
It's okay.
I understand.
You do?
You know sometimes
when I'm alone,
I'll just scream
for three or four seconds.
And it helps.
I don't know what it helps,
but it helps.
It's so weird because...
I hate work.
But I can't be home all day.
And then I feel guilty,
and I'm with the kids
and I love the kids,
but they're fucking
exhausting.
And then I go back to work
and nobody gives a fuck.
Best case scenario,
I work my entire life.
And then I die
while the kids are healthy
and happy.
That's the pinnacle.
Death followed by mild relief.
We are so fucked.
I am so glad
to be so fucking fucked
with you though.
[emotional music plays]
[moaning]
[Marty] Come on.
Wait.
Throw this on the floor.
-Take this off.
-Okay, let's do it.
Okay, I'm gonna take it off.
[door buzzes]
[Eden singing]
Threw me for a loop,
my packages.
[jolly music plays]
[box cracks]
Okay.
This is what all that...
practice is for.
-[phone vibrates]
Okay, guys.
[sighs]
Don't have to do
total no talking.
Pretty normal,
successful bitch.
I love her so much.
Okay, guys.
I'm gonna have
to make some cuts.
Pineapple, milk, gherkins.
You guys are too heavy.
Little prime, I'll be back.
Ooh-ee.
Okay.
No more. I can't be pregnant
anymore.
How do we finish this, please?
-Well, technically,
at 37 weeks,
you are at full term.
But the due date is 40,
and New York State
allows 42.
42 weeks?
That's almost a year.
That is bullshit.
Can we do anything
to speed this up?
-C-section, induction
and also a membrane sweep.
But that's not medically
sound for you.
Can I eat more fiber?
-A baby is not
a bowel movement,
so no. There are other things
that people say might help.
They may not be
medically sound,
but if you're
really desperate.
Yeah, I'm-- I'm desperate.
Stimulating the nipples,
that releases oxytocin,
contracts the uterus.
So is it me?
Does it have
to be somebody else?
Well, you can always ask
someone to do it.
Sex, they say, helps.
I don't know,
maybe it's the gyration,
possibly the orgasms.
Great. Know anybody who likes
somebody almost about
to give birth?
Castor oil, they say
might help, one or two
tablespoons daily.
In my pussy?
-No, no, you drink it.
Oh, got you.
Uh, dates, pineapple,
red raspberry leaf tea.
Also oral, or is that..?
-All of it is oral.
I just want to do whatever
is going to get the baby out.
Well, a red raspberry tea
douche will not do it.
Gotcha. All oral,
lest we forget. [chuckles]
-Hi, honey. I got great news.
The other good looking
dentist they got for the gig.
He's indeed a serial killer.
-Oh.
-But this is good news
for you. They called.
They want you.
-Oh, my God, they want me.
-But you're going to have
to fly out tomorrow
to San Francisco
to do the filming.
[machine whirring]
[water splashes]
Ahh.
[cat meows]
[laughs]
[duck ringtone plays]
[phone chimes]
Oh, hey.
-Hi. You picked up.
Yeah. Sorry.
I've been, pretty busy.
Okay. Sure.
Yeah, I get it.
Are you on an airplane?
-I am, I got
the Invisalign campaign.
They're sending me out
to shoot it.
Oh my God, yes.
That's great.
-Does that help for the money
with the uh...
with the shit pipe repairs?
I wish.
Our place is damn near
condemnable.
We're basically holding back
our next flood
with a piece of duct tape.
We're just gonna have
to move all together,
you know?
We're looking for a place,
maybe in the suburbs.
That's amazing.
-Okay, you can't even
not wince at me just saying,
"Looking at a place
in the suburbs."
It's partly that, but also,
my stomach's been cramping
like crazy for hours.
Are you having contractions?
-I don't think so.
I called Doctor Morris
a couple times yesterday,
and they weren't.
And these are weaker
than yesterday, so we'll see.
I'm ready.
Mh-hm. I totally get it.
With Tommy, I just drank
a bunch of castor oil
to, like, push it along.
Dude, I chugged it.
But I think I want some
chocolate almond milk
right now.
I'll BRB.
Apologies, you might
get flashed.
Oh, okay.
Eden.
-What?
Bend over.
Perv.
-Just do it, bend over.
Yo, your pussy
is very fucking open.
How long you been hurting?
Hours, but I'm really
feeling it now
that I'm letting myself
feel it.
You need to go now.
Call the hospital.
Oh my God. What?
[flight attendant]
Phones off.
The cabin is closed.
Ma'am, I'm going to need you
to turn your phone off.
Ma'am.
-I'm so sorry, okay?
This is so rude,
but I'm literally.
being yelled at.
Go to the hospital now.
Goodbye, I love you.
[plane hums]
Oh, God. Dragana!
[flight announcement]
['80s pop music plays]
[exhales] Where's the Lyft?
Almost here. Was surge.
Why kept canceling.
If shit hits fan,
I have many times
to reach in
and pull out the baby.
Let's hope it doesn't come
to that.
I don't enjoy it, but I do it.
[emotional music plays]
[cars honking]
You go ahead.
[car honking]
Let's go my little MILF to be.
[laughs]
No, wait, actually, I--
I forgot you suck.
I'm taking a Lyft.
Come on, Eden,
I'm not missing this.
Admit you were
a legit asshole
about me
and Claude's connection.
I was a legit asshole
about you and Claude's
connection.
[sighs]
Admit you and me are family.
We're family.
[sighs]
I am so sorry.
[sighs]
Okay.
I'm sorry too.
I took advantage of how much
you can hold,
and I piled it on.
I know I'm a lot.
[music continues]
[music swells]
Dragana, we're riding
with this bitch.
[uplifting music plays]
[Dawn] Just keep breathing.
Keep breathing.
[traffic hums]
[grunts]
[brakes squeak]
[Dawn] Here we go.
Here we go!
[Eden] Yep, yep.
[pants]
My streamers.
[groans]
-Oh, sorry.
Forgot you, baby girl.
Let's go have a baby.
[laughing]
[inhales] Breathe.
[music fades]
-Five, four, three, two, one!
[yells]
This position isn't helping.
Let's turn her over.
Hands and feet,
hands and feet.
[Eden] Okay,
what's happening?
Why am I in doggy style?
I don't wanna doggy style
with my baby.
This is a common birth
position.
Can you move down?
No, I'm up here!
Okay, I'll come to you.
-Okay.
-We'll do it right here.
Here comes another one.
Here comes another one.
Good, good, good, good,
good, good, good.
Push, push, push, push.
Push, push, push!
I'm doggy style with my baby,
I feel weird about it.
-Push this last one. Push.
I see the head, push!
[Eden] Okay, I think.
I have to shit.
I don't want to shit
on my baby like Dawn.
Dude it was disgusting
what you did.
-Okay.
Keep pushing.
[Doctor Morris] Last push.
Good, good, good.
There we are,
there we are, there we are!
[yells]
-[baby crying]
-Perfect, perfect.
[gasping]
-You did it!
-[laughs]
-You did it.
I did it.
Okay, we're gonna
cut the cord now.
-No, no, no, I want
Dawn to cut the cord.
-Okay.
-I would be--
I would be honored.
-Obviously.
There you are. Right there.
[baby crying]
[sobs]
[laughing]
Okay.
Oh my God.
Oh my God. My baby had a baby.
-[laughs]
-I love you so much.
-I love you too.
[baby crying continues]
Thank you for being here.
-Where the fuck else
would I be?
[nurse] Okay,
just a few more pushes.
Is there another one
in there?
It's the placenta.
They don't tell you
about this part.
[Dragana] I'll take placenta.
It makes smoothies.
Okay. That's a choice.
Here we go.
This is just ridiculous.
[exhales]
-[nurse] Great.
Oh, God. That's wild.
Smells good, doesn't it?
-Oh, God. [laughs]
Shut up! [laughs]
Okay.
[baby crying]
Yeah, man. Give me my boy.
I didn't want to rain
on your maternal instincts.
But, it's a girl.
It's always been a girl.
[John Lennon, Yoko Ono
- Remember Love plays]
I had two pussies?
-Mh-hm.
[laughs]
Holy shit.
This is crazy.
This is fucking crazy.
[sniffles]
How are we not talking
about this all the time?
We grow bodies inside
of our bodies.
What the fuck?
This person just came out
of my vagina. [laughs]
[sniffles]
This is all the hot news
anchors should be covering
twenty-four seven.
People coming out of pussies.
Every day for thousands
and thousands of years.
What the fuck?
[laughs]
You're so beautiful.
You're so beautiful.
What? What?
[laughs]
[music covers talking]
[music fades]
-[baby crying]
-[midwife] Congrats!
Congrats!
You're ready to go home.
No, no, I'm not ready.
-Yes, you are.
You can do it.
And we need the bed.
But before you go,
a few parting gifts,
some extra diapers
for her and some for you.
Oh, good. I dropped a deuce
a little while ago,
so thank you.
You're not supposed to poop
in your diaper.
It's for blood. Get that off.
See? I'm not ready.
I'm shitting myself wrongly.
Shh.
-[baby crying]
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
[softly] Thank you guys
so much.
Really, really...
[traffic hums]
Mm-mm-mm.
[sirens wail]
[grunts]
Hey.
Yes. Please yes.
Please yes. Please. Yes.
Oh, yes.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
[exhales] Okay. Okay.
[gentle music plays]
Thank you so much.
Okay.
[grunts] Oh, God.
[seatbelt clicks]
Okay, just one second.
Astoria, please.
[tires squeal]
[horns blare]
[music stops]
[baby crying]
I'll fucking kill you!
-I'll fucking kill you!
I'll fucking kill you both!
Okay. It's okay. Oh, fuck.
[music resumes]
Welcome home, Claudette.
All right.
Welcome home, Claudette.
Okay. Wow.
This is where we live.
You're gonna have sleep overs
in here. Because we're
gonna share the bedroom.
This is where
you're gonna sleep.
All right, we got this.
We got this, baby.
We got this.
Oh, yeah.
[Dad on phone] I love you,
Claudette.
[blows kiss]
[Marty] Ready buddy?
[Eden] Hey Little sleepy
girl.
-It's gonna be great.
[subway rattles]
[Eden] Hi! [laughs]
[Marty] Hey.
Oh my God.
Thank you guys for coming
to us.
Of course, whoever has
the youngest
we do the commuting for,
it's only fair.
-Oh, I love that rule.
Well, that's why I
got the tickets, so.
Let's go.
Oh, nice.
[Marty] Let's do this.
-Yeah, I can't wait.
You got it?
-Yep, I got you.
[Marty] You ready?
[Tommy]Yeah.
-All right.
[yells in film]
[gunshot in film]
[male in film] Fuck you,
motherfucker
[male 2 in film] Eat shit
and die, motherfucker!
[gunshot in film]
[screams in film]
[accordion music plays]
You see any of that shit?
-No.
-So you're not going
to fucking talk?
No.
Fuckin' cater waiter.
-Jesus Christ!
Just get in the fucking car!
Jesus.
Claudette, that's your daddy.
[sirens, yelling in film]
There he is,
that's your daddy.
[male in film] Eat led,
cocksucker!
[gunshots, tires squealing
in film]
-Sorry, that movie
was completely inappropriate
for children.
-I just-- I just wanted
to see him.
-It's fine.
It was fun. It was good.
[laughs]
-[gentle music plays]
[Tommy] Can we still
see movies with Eden
at the new house?
[Dawn] Yeah, of course
you can, Tommy.
You guys found a house?
Yeah. I mean, it just happened
this morning.
Our offer was accepted,
so it's happening real fast.
-Congratulations.
-Thank you.
So, which 'burb
have you dorks selected?
You didn't tell her?
-No, I didn't tell her.
I've just...
Been busy. Like, I mean,
all the work it takes
to find a new house
and the right 'burb.
You got this vision
of your dream home.
But then it literally
turned to shit.
And then there's the amount
of people that you have
to make appointments
with to even see a house.
You're bringing the kids
to all these houses,
and oof,
then there's a gut check.
Does it even feel
like a home?
And after all that, oh my God,
don't even get me started
on the paperwork.
It's insane the amount
of paperwork you have
to try and buy a house.
So, you want
to know what 'burb?
This is it.
You can't say that [laughs]
if it's not true.
Look, I know that
I cannot live with you.
But I also know that
we have to be close by,
Because I want our kids
to grow up together.
Like how we did.
[sighs]
Is three blocks okay?
I mean, does that work
for you?
[laughs] I think
I can make it work.
I love you.
-I love you too.
So I'm going to be over there.
And when I need something,
I barely have to call.
I'm just popping by.
You should let me know before
you come so we can make sure
Marty's wearing pants.
When I need something lifted.
I'm texting Marty,
I can go, I can skip you.
I might see you
on a Monday afternoon.
I might see you
late Monday night,
that same Monday.
And I would love that.
So I guess it's just, uhm,
a casual see you later?
[Bloods - Thinking Of You
Thinking Of Me plays]
Yeah.
That's it.
-That's it.
-You love me.
-I love you, and I'm--
I'm gonna see you later.
-[laughs]
[squeals, laughs]
[moans happily]
[screams happily]
[music continues]
[music fades]
[mellow music plays]