Baby Geniuses (1999) Movie Script
He's out.
What do you mean?
Sylvester. He's escaped.
Impossible.
Maximum alert.
Damn it!
He's been spotted on the mezzanine.
Secure perimeters.
Alert topside. Initiate probers. Move!
Move! Move!
He's exiting the building. Move out.
There he is. Nail him.
He's heading for the maze.
We've got him.
Cut him off!
Toward the fountain.
There he goes. He's headed back.
Coming back, toward the fountain.
He's approaching the fountain.
Seal him off.
We've got him.
Be careful. He's dangerous.
There's nowhere to go, Sly.
Give it up.
Security.
Go.
The rest of you, come with me.
Check the perimeters.
Nice try, pal.
Take him.
Stop him!
That'll be quite enough, Sylvester.
There you are, doc.
He nearly made it this time.
Tomorrow you will explain how
a mere toddler manages to escape...
...from a laboratory
25 stories below ground.
What kind of kids you breeding?
Nearly blew us away with karate.
Remarkable.
Once again we demonstrate
the superiority of the Kinder method.
Take him to the secret lab.
Operation Twincomp, access requested.
Analysing voiceprint.
Review proiect in summary form.
Twincomp...
...is designed to prove the superiority
of the Kinder method of child rearing.
To accomplish this, two years ago,
twin brothers S ylvester and Whit...
...were born to a specially selected
surrogate mother.
Director of operations,
Dr. E lena Kinder, arranged...
...for Whit to be adopted
into the home of her niece...
...and her niece's husband,
Dr. Dan Bobbins.
Sly was placed in the Babyco
Hyper-Developmental Habitat...
...to be raised under the guidance
of the Kinder method.
Summarize operational protocol.
/t is imperative for the integrity
of this experiment...
...that no one ever discover
that Sly and Whit are twins...
...especially the boys themselves.
A comparative evaluation of the boys
will occur by age 6...
...to establish conclusively the
superiority of the Kinder method.
Updating experiment log.
Last night, Baby Sylvester made his way
up 25 stories, undetected...
...escaping from his habitat
in a secret lab.
Even though it now appears
that Sly cannot be controlled...
...Dr. Kinder will be pleased by this
display of skill and intelligence.
I, however, remain apprehensive.
Under the guidance of its chairman,
Dr. E lena Kinder...
...Baby Geniuses /nc.
and its parent company Babyco...
...are the world's largest manufacturer
of products for the baby.
Babyco is also a vital
charitable organization...
...which sponsors orphanages
in 10 countries around the globe.
The latest one dedicated iust a week
ago, right here in Pasadena.
Today we are deeper
in Dr. Kinder's debt...
...for the extraordinary gift.
Joyworld, the world's largest
indoor amusement park.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you
the founder and CEO of Babyco...
...my friend, Dr. Elena Kinder.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm gonna break out.
You can't get hives just because
your aunt comes into the room.
I can't help it. She starts lying.
I start breaking out.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you all
for coming here today.
We at Babyco believe that babies
have a language of their own.
We're dedicated to proving it.
Our research in infant potentiality
is the model of the field.
But in the final analysis...
...the simple answer as to
why we do what we do is...
...we love babies.
Loves babies.
Loves money.
All right, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's have a party.
Welcome to Joyworld.
Look, it's a roller coaster!
So the park, of course,
will be free for all children.
But the money collected
from adults...
...will go to the Babyco
Worldwide Orphanage Foundation.
Is this a terrific lady, or what?
This is kind of great.
She does a lot of good.
She's good at stealing your ideas.
Attention!
Has anyone lost a baby?
A very big baby?
Ladies and gentlemen...
...Baby Bunting!
That looks like your illustration.
That looks like Boo Boo Boy
from Baby's Good Day.
Bunting came into this world
just last week.
Now, everything is fully controlled...
...by our computerized command centre.
Hiya, fellas.
And now go to crossover mode.
Okay, Richard.
Give me Baby Bunting vocal.
What's your name, little girl?
Erin. My name is Erin.
What a sweet name.
Give Baby Bunting a big hug.
And cue burp...
...now.
Well! Think about changing his diaper.
Come on, honey. This way.
Kids, good news!
Robotic Santa and the robotic elves...
...are waiting to greet you
at the robotic North Pole.
/n fact, we have robotic entertainers
located throughout the park...
...all controlled from our
central command centre.
Okay, let's cue up for Robo-Zoo.
And here we have the world's
most unique animal farm.
We call it Robo-Zoo.
Each child gets a remote control...
...to control
their own robotic animal.
Why wouldn't you have
real animals in your zoo?
Good heavens! Anybody could do that.
Plastic zoo.
That's definitely Aunt Elena's idea.
At least she could have introduced you.
She steals from your books,
from your research.
/'m flattered.
She knows about your breakthrough
in infant language.
She'll probably try to steal that too.
You make her sound
like Attila the Hun.
Honey, we're barely able to afford your
research facility and the preschool.
She does this all the time.
/t's iust not right.
I think she's just goal-oriented.
Her goal is to take
over the world. I know.
I lived with her
for more than half my life.
And look how great you turned out.
Lenny?
Where are you going
with those children?
What children? These are not children.
These are plumbers.
They're gonna help me fix the sink.
Good-luck kiss.
With this house, you need more than luck.
Okay, let's get to work.
Just as you thought, our line
of expandable infant clothing...
...has elicited a tremendous
response in our first pass.
Huge numbers from the Kmart
and Wal-Mart shoppers.
That should increase our market share.
Put it in production.
Tell me of the new ones.
How many possibles?
- Eight show potential.
- Eight out of 500?
Elena, statistically, genius occurs
once in 10,000 individuals.
We expected only five geniuses
from the Pasadena Orphanage.
We've got eight.
Don't tell me how well we're doing.
Our orphanages and secret labs
are costing us 200 million a year.
The sole purpose of these orphanages is
to allow us to cull out the geniuses...
...the natural leaders.
- We'll do better.
I'll settle for a few more
like Sylvester.
Look at what that crackerjack did.
All our emphasis has been on
keeping the world out of a secret lab.
No one ever considered
the possibility of a baby escaping.
Just look at this wonderful world we've
created for our babies to grow up in.
Why would anyone
want to escape from here?
The one who did is in the work station,
no doubt planning his next escape.
Hello, Sylvester.
- What's he constructing?
- We don't know.
He builds all kinds
of extraordinary things.
For all kinds of extraordinary purposes.
Just look at that intensity.
There's no other baby like Sylvester.
Well, maybe one.
His twin, Whit?
Whit!
Mayday!
Whitley, where is helper number one?
Give me the lug wrench. Whit, hurry up.
Go! On the double!
Oh, mama!
Mama.
Listen, you monkey.
This is a monkey wrench!
Plumber's helper number one,
you're fired. Get out of town.
What is that terrible noise?
Noise to us.
But the computers analyse
every possible permutation.
What we hear as incoherent noise
may actually be a musical masterpiece.
Listen to our computer's
interpretation of Basil's playing.
That's remarkable.
It has all the complexities
of a symphony by Haydn or Beethoven.
If that's the case...
...it's possible that what we hear
as baby talk is actually conversation.
Exactly. And look at this.
A child writing on a pad, right? No.
After checking all languages...
...we found out they're writing
the cuneiform language.
They speak their own language.
They understand all others.
Now watch this.
Subject One speaks, and we
immediately see activity here...
...in the lower limbic region...
...while Subject Two, as he listens...
...is active in the forebrain.
These babies are having a conversation.
We just don't understand them.
The instant a child begins
to speak in any known language...
...the limbic activity ceases.
As though they forget.
Exactly. Bobbins was right.
What if the limbic activity
is not merely speech?
What if it's stored knowledge...
...from an early-parent gene pool?
Passed from generation to generation.
Amazing!
They may know
the secrets of the universe.
The greatest
breakthrough in history!
Change humanity!
If we find the key to the human mind...
...every child will be
educated in my method.
Every great mind will be ours to mold.
Let's get them all
into the amphitheatre.
Hello, my little baby geniuses.
What are we discussing today?
Could it be postmodern
ethical construction?
How about...
...the mechanics of human knowledge?
My little Sly one.
Sly, tell me...
...what are you thinking?
Come on. You can look at me.
What are you thinking?
What are you saying?
Enlighten me, my little Einstein.
What do you think?
Should I enlighten her?
She won't understand.
She doesn't speak our language.
But go ahead. Have fun.
Lead us through the wilderness,
my little warrior.
All right, all right. That does it.
Doc, if you're gonna talk
out of your ass all the time...
...maybe you should wear
a bow tie on your butt.
Bow tie? On her butt?
On her butt?
That's disgusting, Sylvester.
You know...
...you think because I don't understand
you, I don't understand what's going on.
Don't be too sure about that, honey.
Yeah, right. And don't call me honey.
Okay, Sly man, one.
Dr. Kinder, zip.
You're always busting her chops.
Are you kidding? Give me a break.
She's Darth Vader in a skirt.
Dr. Kinder's our benefactor.
Because of her,
there will be a new order...
...and we will be its leaders.
Don't have a cow, Basil.
Why do you talk like that?
Your syntax is atrocious.
It's because he watches TV all the time.
How does he do that?
He converts the monitors.
You ought to all watch TV.
Check out the real world,
like Jerry Springer.
And have fun.
This is exactly what Dr. Kinder...
...is trying to overcome.
Moral decay.
Now you sound like Heep.
Discipline, discipline, discipline.
Reward and deprive.
Give the babies a crumb. Take it away.
Like Pavlov's dogs. Hold up the bone,
the doggies salivate.
If they behave,
give them a little gristle.
If you don't like it...
...why don't you just leave?
He'll just take the next bus.
You're such a weasel, Basil.
Nice face, weasel.
You fool. Dr. Heep is watching.
Don't mess with the Sly man, Heepster.
We're back!
Dickie?
Where is he?
Carrie? Whit?
The kids aren't here.
Wait a minute. Hello?
Anybody?
Whit? Is that you?
What's this mess? Look at this water.
No fraternizing with the help!
Carrie, look at you.
You are soaking wet.
You are soaking wet. And look at Whit.
You know what? You two go for a swim...
...and Uncle Lenny and I
are gonna have a little talk, okay?
This water here on the floor.
Is it dangerous?
Please. The power's out, anyway.
The power's out?
Great. Where's Dickie?
I don't know.
Nice 'do, Dickie.
You look like Mount Pepto-Bismol
just erupted.
Pink is cosmic, all right?
For the last time, my name ain't Dickie.
It's Ice Pick.
Would you people get that straight?
Ice Pick...
...I love the creativity and imagination
that you've displayed here...
...but no matter how outrageous
you act or you dress...
...I'm not gonna fire you.
So give it a rest.
Love you, pal. Grab a mop.
He could use that pink one
he's got on his head.
Don't worry. He's just acting out.
We'll bring him around.
Can you tell me why
we're doing this again?
I promised Dan's brother we'd get him
through one job without getting canned.
I wish I could afford
a makeover like that.
These are the bills
that have to be paid this month...
...but this baby...
...is actually a check...
...made out to your business
for 34 big ones.
Dollars, that is.
Why don't you collect
from some of these stiffs?
Their kids spend more time here
than they do at home.
One ring off Elena's finger,
you could run this place forever.
That being said, I'm resigning.
Effective immediately.
" Ice Pick. " I like that,
but it's a little commonplace.
What about " Ice Pick the Great"
or "Saint Ice Pick"?
Or "The Great and Powerful
Wizard of Ice Pick"?
Very funny.
Seven on a scale of a thousand.
Nose Pick, let me ask you a question.
Why cut new holes?
Why not close up some of the old ones...
...like your mouth?
What is that, an old hippie joke?
Wrong answer.
Don't you kids try that at home.
Margo, don't pull
on Dickie's earring, okay? Grow up.
Ice Pick is right.
Auntie Elena should help.
You're not supposed
to call her "auntie. "
- Just Elena.
- What's it matter?
They can't understand me.
He does so much good.
I wish we could help.
I tried. I gave him
that idea subliminally...
...about a new wing.
What's that do?
Increase their disposable income
by a factor of four at least.
Honey! Honey.
Did you hear that?
Tell me you heard that.
Whit. He just said, clear as a bell...
..." by a factor of four at least. "
And I understood it.
This is so great.
It was in their language,
but that was the phrase.
Those were the words,
" by a factor of four. "
Beats the hell out of "dada. "
- You got it?
- Right here.
- He's got it.
- Let's see it.
Oh, boy, home movies.
He understood our language.
Is that all you have to say?
Okay. Let me think.
He's going to want us to explain
the secrets of the universe.
That could be a real problem.
Well, you're in trouble
again, Sylvester.
Now go to sleep,
or it's Valium for you, pal.
There you are. You got that lock?
I've got the security bonder.
Yeah, right. Okay, Sly man...
...I've got that surprise I promised.
Let's see you get out
of this one, Houdini.
Dumb and Dumber.
Lock and load.
Say "cheese. "
Cheese!
We're currently experiencing
technical difficulties.
What the hell?
It's too easy.
What do you got?
A temporary loss of transmission
in Quadrant 4.
Lexi?
You're out.
Come with me.
I want to, but I'm too scared.
I'll take you to a mall.
A mall?
Really?
I can't.
Wait a minute.
I heard something. You better go.
Bye.
Take care of yourself.
I'll miss you.
Quadrant 2's down now.
Don't be late, babe.
Five, four, three...
...two, one.
Diaper Express. Right on time.
Diaper gravy.
Well, give me liberty or give me death.
Not exactly aromatherapy.
I should've taken death.
Yeah, well, there it is
in plain English.
It sounds like baby talk, but he's
saying, " by a factor of four at least. "
How can you tell?
It's like this language that I used to
speak, and I've just forgotten it...
...except for once in a while.
I believe you, honey. Really, I do.
Can I go home now?
Yeah, but remember one thing, Nosebleed.
Dennis Rodman can afford
to look like roadkill.
He gets 18 rebounds a game.
Sweet dreams, robo-entertainers.
I don't wanna hear any snoring.
How were the crowds?
20,000 maniacs disguised as kids.
How do you think they were?
We had some glitches with Bunting.
Bring up his schematic.
Coming up.
The world's biggest video game.
The tracking software
needs to be recompiled.
If you don't have any dirty diapers...
Dive, dive!
- Come on. I'm looking bad.
- He tries so hard.
I hope when I go over and speak their
language, I'll remember to thank him.
How could you thank him?
When you cross over, you won't remember
anything you know now.
Wait a minute. I got a great idea.
Have you said "dada" or "mama" yet?
No, that's so stupid. I've decided...
...the first time I speak, I'm gonna
quote the Gettysburg Address. Flat out.
No, you gotta say "dada. "
Say it. He'll go nuts!
He'll call Mom and they'll both go nuts.
I don't know.
You gotta say it. Come on, do it.
I'll do it.
Dada!
You said "dada. "
She said "dada"! I got it on video.
I can't believe it! I missed it!
- Where is she?
- Come on, girl. Where is she?
My little sweetie.
My little doll.
- Told you.
- Say "dada. "
- Can you say "mama"?
- Watch this. Mama!
She said it!
She did, she did.
What are you feeding those kids anyway?
Too much.
- Happy trails.
- Okay, take care.
Diaper gravy.
This is awesome!
Where are the chicks?
Hasta la vista, baby.
All right! Look out, world.
Sly man's here!
The night is young. And so am I.
Diaper gravy.
Having that strange feeling again?
Yeah. Like somebody's calling me.
It sure happens a lot.
What are they saying?
I don't know. But it sure is scary.
Whose little boy are you?
- Whit, what's wrong?
- What is it, sweetie?
Hey, come here.
Did something scare you?
Come on.
- Let's take you upstairs.
- It's almost bedtime. Let's go.
Down to the last
cleaning person, you have passed...
...the most stringent
security check ever devised!
You each receive
salaries 10 times...
...that of similar positions
in other companies.
Why?
You are part of the most
momentous experiment...
...in the history of corporate
research and development!
You are entrusted...
...with that knowledge...
...and the responsibility
that goes with it.
And you have failed that responsibility.
Now I don't care how, or what you do.
Get Sylvester back.
Yes, sir, you're someone's
little boy, all right.
And there's going to be a reward,
and I'm going to be the rewardee.
I'm going to take real good care of you.
Reward? Hell, forget reward.
Let's talk ransom.
Yeah, that's what we'll do.
Ransom and easy street.
And if they don't come through...
Well, let's not think about that.
Looking good.
Come back when you're ready
to play in the bigs.
I gotta get a disguise.
Good evening.
Good evening.
What? This is a fashion statement.
You see that?
It looked like a kid.
That's a baby.
This disguise sucks.
Taxi!
Hey, babe.
Where are we going?
Since I can't walk, I guess we're
going wherever my mother's going.
Is that friendly?
What does this look like?
The welcome wagon?
Look, I got a problem.
Take off your clothes.
Okay, but at least you could
take me to dinner first.
Oy, a comedian.
Yikes!
Who designed this dress?
Larry, Moe and Curly?
Call me.
Oh, no. It's Elena's goons.
Don't forget, I'm listed.
Merry Christmas, Morty.
See you tomorrow.
Good night, boss.
Sure glad she wasn't wearing heels.
One umbrella one
Two umbrella two...
- Let's go upstairs to the zoo
- Good night, Amanda.
Good night, Rachel.
Sweet dreams.
That was beautiful.
Sleep tight, you guys.
Yeah, there we go.
We'll watch them till you come up.
- Why don't we have another?
- What?
Baby.
I tell you what.
You carry it for 41/2 months and
I'll carry it for 41/2 months.
Deal. Let's start now.
Honey...
Honey, we adopted Whit...
...because we thought that we
couldn't have children of our own.
And then we had Carrie.
She was our little miracle baby.
And miracles can re-occur.
Well, let's not talk
about that right now, okay?
Maybe next year.
Now, sweetheart...
...love of my life,
father of my children.
Did you tell Mr. Wilson
that we wanted a $50,000 loan...
...for a new wing?
Oh, yeah, that.
Oh, yeah, that.
- I meant to show you something.
- We're behind on the mortgage.
We have to go to the bank and beg.
I just want you to look at some numbers.
Right now we get $300 a month for each
baby in the research program, right?
Right. If we take in 10 more babies...
...we qualify as a Chapter 40
research corporation...
...and then we get $900 a baby.
Nine hundred?
So...
...the 10 new babies, our six...
...that's 14,400 a month,
2,000 a month for the loan.
Even with more help,
we'll still operate above break-even.
We can do more research,
take in more babies...
...lose less money.
This is amazing.
This actually makes sense.
Wait a minute.
You don't have a single cell in your
entire brain devoted to business.
How did you come up with this?
Actually, I don't think I did.
I think it was...
...Whit.
Whit told you this business plan?
Well, not tell exactly.
It was just... It came to me.
When I was working with him,
it kind of...
...jumped out of his brain
and landed in mine.
I went to the pamphlets. It works.
Kid knows his business.
Got some better news.
What?
'Twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the house...
...not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse.
Or a kid.
Or a toddler.
Okay, Charlie, they're all out
for the night. Lock it up.
Sly's in the house!
King of the mall!
Macy's.
Damn! I didn't bring
my credit cards.
Shop till you drop.
Video games. My kingdom
for some video games.
What have / got?
Baby Guess.
I can get out of drag.
Smoking!
He shoots. He scores!
- World Facts for 800, please.
- Answer. Daily Double.
You're close to the lead.
Donna moved ahead a while ago,
but you're iust $100 away.
/'ll wager 1, 100, please.
For a $1, 000 lead,
here's the clue in World Facts.
"Discovered by David Livingstone,
Botswana's Lake Ngami...
...lies in the northern part
of this desert. "
What is the Kalahari?
What is the Gobi?
No. Wrong part of the world.
What is the Kalahari?
All right, that takes you
to 4,800. Pick again.
Do you think we've lived before?
I don't know, honey. That's your area.
The Tibetans believe that
when we're born again...
...we retain universal knowledge
for the first two years.
Then we learn to talk
and we forget it all.
They call it "crossing over. "
I'm doing a crossword here.
Universal knowledge can wait.
No, just think.
What if our babies
have all the answers to life?
I'd settle for 28 across. What was it
that Miss Muffet sat on again?
Her tuffet.
What the hell is a tuffet anyway?
You got me.
When you tap into universal knowledge,
you find out and let me know.
Lexi, you should've been here, kid.
What? You never heard
of Weight Watchers?
Diaper rodeo!
On your mark. Get set. Go!
- Here goes Old Faithful.
- Sprang a leak!
Come here, sweetie.
- A winner.
- Time!
Rotator cuff, rotator cuff injury.
May the wrath of Shiva descend upon you.
Stick to your rapping, Ice Shtick...
...and leave the wisecracks
to the people with IQs over 40.
It's not rap. It's mantra.
Junior, I was chanting mantras
before you were born.
You were chanting mantras
before Buddha was born.
Pretty...
That's pretty good.
Christmas shopping. Pray for me.
Want me to take the kids?
You can leave Carrie.
I'm going to run some stats.
Okay, come here.
You're going to love it.
That's a car. You can't
have a car for Christmas.
It's a little too expensive. Well,
maybe a little dinky car would be good.
What the hell was that?
I think I just had a kid.
Babyco 1, he's been spotted.
He's heading your way.
Busted.
Right up to the tunnel.
Go on.
We're on him.
Hey, buddy.
Come on, kid.
Give it up.
I hope you got a kick out of that.
Whittie, you there?
Over here.
Sweetie?
You still in there?
Where'd he go?
What was that scream? Was that you?
Sweetie, what are you looking at?
I thought we dressed you in overalls.
That's strange.
My little sugar.
Were you scared again?
Come on. I know what's gonna
cheer you up. Mommy knows.
Tears?
Could this be guilt
for threatening our great work?
Put him down.
I want you to see this boy...
...who has jeopardized
everything we've worked for.
Serves him right.
Why don't you go talk to your computers,
Basil? They understand you.
They don't like him either.
All right, Sylvester, go to your room.
We'll settle this later.
For heaven's sakes,
someone get him out of my sight!
I've never seen him like this before.
Go run some of that off, honey.
Watch out for that rope.
You know, I gave him a couple of slurps
of my ice cream and he just went nuts.
Dan, come out here.
I don't know what you feed him,
but where can I get some?
How does he do that?
Sugar high. You should've seen him
at Baskin-Robbins.
We've been banned for life.
Well, he seems okay.
I'll have a talk with him.
What is wrong with you?
I'm the executive director
of a madhouse.
What's wrong?
Nothing ever scares Sly.
I just want him to stop crying.
She's still upset, honey.
It's all right.
Just go to sleep, Carrie.
You'll be all right.
- There we are.
- Okay, you sleep tight.
First Whit, and now Carrie.
Must be contagious.
Night, guys.
Had any of those weird feelings lately?
- What?
- You heard me.
Lighten up, will you?
You're not my brother.
You fooled my mom and dad,
but you don't fool me.
What do you mean?
- You're not my brother.
- Don't be dumb.
Jerk.
She's gonna be trouble.
Play. I'll be watching you.
Want to swing? I'll push you.
I don't want to.
Tell us what happened.
I was at the playground with my mom...
With your what?
He's delusional.
You're such a putz, Basil.
Ignore him.
Go on.
And I climbed up the slide
and I bumped into this other kid...
...and when I got up, it was me.
What do you mean, it was you?
The other boy. He looked just like me.
What's your name?
Whit.
Oh, boy.
Don't worry, Whit.
It'll be all right.
Dr. Kinder will take you
back to your mother.
She'll do no such thing.
Don't you see?
Dr. Kinder arranged
for the Bobbins to adopt Whit...
...for just this purpose.
A twin progressive,
comparative experimentation.
What's he talking about?
We don't know, and we're geniuses.
It means Dr. Kinder
let that quack, Bobbins...
...raise Whit while
she raised Sylvester...
...to demonstrate the superiority...
...of the Kinder method.
And wait till she finds out
the twins have been switched.
She'll realize she has an opportunity
for a living cross-evaluation.
He's at it again.
Obviously Sly, swine though he is...
...is superior to this Whit individual.
Gee, thanks.
- She wouldn't do that.
- Do what?
Keep a child from its mother
just to prove her theory.
Oh, really?
Get Dr. Kinder down here.
Tell me, who is this?
That's Sylvester.
His brain synapses fire at a rate...
...of about 40@@@ above normal.
So that's Sly, right?
Look at this...
...little person's voiceprint.
So?
Compare it to this voiceprint
taken from Sly last week.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, no.
Those imbeciles!
Sly?
Whit?
You idiots!
You imbeciles!
You morons!
- You cretins! You, you...
- Boring.
Traitors.
No, not...
...idiots, no.
You wonderful...
...brilliant assemblage.
You have given me the greatest gift
of my entire life...
...our own living cross-evaluation!
Told you.
Brown nose.
Give them all a raise.
Brilliant.
I feel so warm and motherly.
I think I'll go visit my darling niece.
And the mother of the year is...
Start the comparative tests on Whit.
We'll see how Sylvester's
doing among the peasants.
How can she do this?
Don't you understand?
Dr. Kinder is acting
for the greater good.
Maybe it's all right for us,
but Whit has a mom and dad.
What's wrong with you?
She's not going to keep Whit forever.
Yeah, sure, Basil.
This is Dr. Kinder
we're talking about...
...not Dr. Frankenstein.
Teddie, what is it?
I feel funny.
What's wrong?
She's crossing over.
She's going to be one
of the grownups now.
Don't worry. This is the way
it's supposed to be.
You'll all cross over soon.
Bye.
Don't go, Teddie.
My God, look at that.
Two years old and the limbic activity
is slowing down.
The frontal lobes are taking over.
We were right.
Will she remember us?
No, she's one of them now.
Dan, we can't be late.
They're late. They're late
for a very important date.
Your mom and dad are off trying
to save the farm. Hip, hip, hooray!
Oh, you sweethearts. Thank you.
Thanks, all of you.
Here, you take her.
My little angel.
Who's there?
Let's go see.
Come on. I'll make you breakfast.
Pancakes in the shape of a witch.
Still getting your help
from the work-release program, I see.
Give Dr. Kinder a nice big kiss.
Very nice.
I love coming to this house.
There's just something
about it that's so...
...homey.
- We were just going out.
- You were going out?
Tell me, how is Whit?
Is he talking yet?
Actually, two days ago we had
some communication in pre-language talk.
Really?
We caught it on video.
On video?
I've translated several whole sentences.
Whole sentences?
I have a wonderful idea.
Why don't we take Whit to the lab?
With your gift...
...for pre-language...
...and our technology,
I'm sure we can skip a step or two.
What?
Slow down, pal. What?
Don't do it.
What? What'd he say?
" Don't do it. "
That's ridiculous.
What are you saying?
They've got Whit.
Wait a minute.
Who's got Whit? You're Whit.
- Go on.
- Can't.
That's all I'm getting.
Isn't that amazing?
I must be running along. I have
some serious, important matters...
...that I have to attend to.
Goodbye, Whit.
Hives. She's up to something.
- What is going on with you today?
- We got to go.
You okay, sweetie?
You look a little sad.
We do have to go.
Carrie, go back with the babies.
Get me Dr. Heep
on the phone immediately.
/ don't care what he's doing.
Get him on the phone now!
Jonathan, / want two of our best men
sent down here now.
No! You idiot. No, listen to me.
Dan is beginning to understand
both of them.
And if he does, then we go to prison.
We have to have them both.
We can't switch them.
I want you to rest here
a little minute, okay?
Here we go. There you go.
Margo will be right back.
Keep an eye on that boy now.
You want to tell us about it?
Yeah, I guess so.
What now?
You have to ask? It's the power.
If this house was a dog,
we'd have it put to sleep.
Well, would you look at that.
The sun is setting in that boy's pants.
He wishes.
Nice work there, Dickie.
Real classy.
So I'm fired, right?
Fat chance. Change your shirt
and check on the babies.
A lot of Van Gogh in that kid.
His ear is still intact.
- You're weird.
- Check on the power.
You just let them take your brother?
- It didn't even bother you?
- It bothered me.
There just wasn't anything
I could do to help him.
We're tracing the power outage,
and this property may be the source.
- What can we do to help?
- We need access to your hookup.
Ray, why don't you check the basement?
I'll look upstairs.
What's going on? Who is that?
It's Elena's goons. They're after me.
Into the bedroom. Hurry up.
What's a goon?
So how long have you been
into self-mutilation?
We all need a hobby.
How many bedrooms on this floor?
- Four.
- And on the third floor?
Five.
I want you to go down, get my partner
and tell him I need a hand.
Keep an eye on the babies.
My pleasure.
Brilliant, Dickie. Why didn't you
just stuff me in a suitcase for him?
Close the door.
You must be Sylvester.
I heard about you and your karate.
I'm a black belt.
Care to try me, son?
I'd be too scared.
Now, I guess you expect me
to step over this ski...
...and you'll jump on the end,
and the end will hit me in the gonads.
I'll scream and fall down the stairs.
Is that right?
I think you've been seeing
too many bad movies, pal.
Because I'm just going
to step around the ski.
Just how stupid do you think I am?
Pretty stupid.
Gee, I bet that felt good.
What happened?
Sly kicked him right
in the forbidden zone.
What's going on?
A work-related injury.
I better go up and see what happened.
Tough guy, eh?
Well...
...you're about to meet
your worst nightmare.
Goon, that is some lame dialogue.
You really think I'm gonna
walk over that ski...
...and you're gonna jump...
...and that ski's gonna
hit me in the gonads...
...and I'm gonna scream
and make a funny face and fall?
I don't think so.
Cross your legs and smile.
You don't mess with the Sly man.
Driver! Babyco, right away.
Jonathan, I want the laboratory
stripped. Disappear. Understand?
I want bare walls.
You told me before that Whit
used to get weird feelings.
Like someone was calling him.
I think that was me.
All right, sit on the floor in a circle.
Sit on the floor? In a circle?
What part don't you understand?
Bare walls! I want this place
stripped in three hours.
Suppose he does break through?
Nobody will be able
to understand Sylvester.
Who'll believe Bobbins?
All he has to do is take Sylvester to
the hospital where the twins were born.
Would you be careful?
And ask for a handprint validation.
After that, they'll know
they've got Sly.
And my darling niece will have
the police here in less than an hour!
Bare walls! Bare walls in three hours!
- Move it!
- What are you doing? Get a move on!
What's he doing?
Dr. Kinder's not taking him
back to his parents.
I don't believe it.
Not Dr. Frankenstein, huh?
She's gonna move him tonight.
We've got to help.
They're coming.
Who's coming?
Sly and the kids.
They're coming to break us out.
- When?
- Tonight.
We could cross over at any time,
and then she wins.
Either you're with her or with us.
We're with you.
Basil, decide.
Decide now.
Let's kick butt!
He's with us.
I think we've got company.
Come on. The mind's
a terrible thing to waste.
Come on, troops. Move it.
What are we gonna do?
- We're gonna train.
- We're going on a train!
Oy vey!
Up, down, up, down...
This is pathetic.
Hut, two, three, four...
You call those jumping jacks?
More like jumping jerks.
Stop! Stop!
Stop!
Hold it!
This isn't working.
What do you expect?
We're geniuses, not ninjas.
Dig deeper, guys.
I need warriors. Now move out.
Under the net. Under the net!
What?
Move! Move! Move!
Karate.
Hopeless.
Now let's concentrate.
Okay, one at a time.
One at a time! One at a time!
This is harder than I thought.
It's my turn.
Perfect.
Absolutely perfect.
All right, we have to use
our secret weapon.
And what's that?
Duby, what is it adults fear most...
...about babies?
- Dirty diapers.
You're wrong.
They make those stupid faces
when they change our diapers.
Dirty diapers. That's funny.
It's our intelligence.
We have to use our intelligence.
That's it.
All right, everybody. Follow me.
All right, everybody. Take your places.
Move it.
Malcolm, take the flank.
Joey, over here with us.
- Sly, do I have time to go potty?
- The potty?
You're wearing the potty.
Put it on hold.
This is much more important.
Easy for you to say.
You are in my power.
You will obey my commands.
What are you trying to do?
I think grownups remember
our language in their subconscious.
If I'm right...
...I can hypnotize him.
You are in my power.
You will obey my commands.
Before I take the babies home...
...I will drive to Babyco.
Everything depends
on my driving to Babyco.
You are in my power.
You will obey my commands.
Let's see if we've really got him.
Lenny, raise your arm.
All right.
Make him stick out his tongue.
Stick out your tongue.
Make him wiggle his tongue.
Now, wiggle your tongue.
Sly, make him pick his nose. Go on.
Come on, Sly. Make him pick it.
That's gross.
- Make him.
- Make him pick his nose.
Pick your nose now.
Pick it. Pick it.
When I snap my fingers...
...you'll wake up.
Lenny, wake up.
Time to take the kids home.
Get their jackets on them.
We leave here in 30 minutes.
I'm up!
All right, move out.
Where is that?...
Boy, this is not your lunch break.
All right, Ice Pick. Hop to it.
Come on, Carrie.
Aren't you coming?
No, I got a job to do here.
/ don't know but /'ve been told...
Eskimo girls are mighty cold...
Dr. Kinder is a son of a gun...
Got cooties and they weigh a ton...
One, two, three, four
One, two...
Three, four...
- We got it! We got it, Margo!
- We did it!
Where is everybody?
You got what? An eviction notice?
We get the whole ball of wax.
The loan, everything.
We find out tomorrow.
Where is everybody?
Out delivering the kids.
Is everything okay?
I don't know.
Something weird's going on.
I got a bad feeling.
Mrs. Dexter?
He hasn't?
Randy hasn't gotten home yet.
- Okay. I'll get right on it.
- It's late.
Mrs. Walters?
I know. Well, we're checking into it.
It's probably a flat tire.
Okay, I'll phone you back.
I'll phone the bus.
Bobbins' bus.
Where are you?
We have a vitally important
errand at Babyco.
We have a vitally important
errand at Babyco.
What did he say?
They had a vitally important
errand at Babyco.
Dickie was kind of
saying it along with him.
Like a song-and-dance team?
I don't know. They sound like robots.
What kind of errand could they
possibly have at Babyco?
What is it, honey?
Yes, Mrs. Skyla.
I think she's trying to tell us
something about Whit.
- He's in the bathroom.
- Quack, quack.
What are you trying to tell us?
He went off with a duck?
What is it, sweetie?
Babyco.
Hello. Mrs. Hebutis.
Concentrate, Daddy.
You can do it, Daddy.
Try.
Go on. I'm getting it.
Connect with your inner child.
- Try harder. Danger!
- What?
Whit has a twin brother called Sly.
He's been here for the last two days.
- What?
- What "what"?
Sly and Whit got switched
at the mall.
And Dr. Kinder kept Whit
in her secret lab to experiment on.
Oh, my God!
- What?
- She says Elena has a secret lab.
I don't believe this.
Whit and Sly got switched.
What? Who's Sly?
She's getting rid of the lab
and moving the babies to Liechtenstein.
Liechtenstein? Oh, my God!
Liechtenstein? What Liechtenstein?
I'll tell you on the way.
Sweetie, do you know
all the secrets to life?
Sure. Piece of cake.
I'll explain when you get back.
- What's with the Liechtenstein?
- I'll tell you.
Liechtenstein.
I hate Liechtenstein!
Hello? 911?
This is an emergency.
- What is the nature of this emergency?
- There's been a kidnapping.
And who's been kidnapped?
My son.
How old is he?
Who kidnapped him?
He's almost 2, and his aunt
did it yesterday at the mall.
His aunt kidnapped him
at the mall yesterday?
- Right.
- And you're just reporting it?
She switched him for his twin brother.
She switched him with his twin?
- How do you know this?
- My daughter told me.
How old is she?
Eighteen months.
- / know this sounds strange.
- No, sir.
I get this kind of call all the time.
Now let me get this straight.
Your 18-month-old daughter told you...
...that her aunt kidnapped your son...
...by trading him
for his twin at the mall?
- Is that about it?
- Listen.
This woman is moving all of the babies
to a secret lab in Liechtenstein!
A secret lab in Liechtenstein?
Well, that is serious.
Give me your name, sir,
and I'll get you all the help you need.
- She thinks I'm nuts.
- Well, no wonder.
911?
Now listen.
You know that Babyco building?
There's a bomb in there, and we're going
to blow those little suckers to Venus!
You wanted cops? You got cops.
The magnificent Sly
and the Bobbins' babies...
...have a vitally important
errand at Babyco.
Security personnel, report to stations.
What are you doing?
The magnificent Sly
and the Bobbins' babies...
...have a vitally important
errand at Babyco.
What's up, doc?
Well, well...
...the resourceful Mr. Sly.
Go! Go! Move!
I don't know who
your friends were, Sly...
...but I do know one thing.
You are mine.
See you in Joyworld, doc.
You know the drill. Take your places.
I'll be in the control centre.
Move out.
Show me the money.
Fasten your seat belt, doc.
The ca-ca's gonna hit the fan.
Okay, robo-entertainers, where are you?
Beautiful.
Where are you, big boy?
Okay, baby, nappy's over.
Come on, you can do it.
Give me five.
That's it. Cool.
Let's bring up some schematics.
Great. Now for a little rewiring, boys.
And then...
...let the games begin.
Bring my helicopter to the helipad
at the back of Joyworld.
Hover and descend on my command.
What can you hope to get from this?
Just a little satisfaction, doc.
Okay, let's get ready to move out.
All right, Sly, come off it.
I know it's you.
Okay, brother, make your move.
All right. The fun is over.
Okay, boys, let's march.
Lights...
...camera...
...action!
Baby...
...want a hug.
Baby want a hug.
- Get them, you fool!
- Go!
Baby want a hug.
What? No hug?
That make Baby Bunting mad.
Get the baby!
Right cross.
Left hook.
You the one, baby.
Okay, alien, a little target practice.
Blew his brains out!
Merry Christmas!
And a happy New Year...
What's the matter with you guys?
These are oversized dolls!
Go, clown.
You know the drill.
Lexi, kangaroo. Duby, ostrich.
Oh, behave, baby!
Enjoy the ride, suckers!
Not yet.
Not yet. Now!
Take him.
You take him.
I saw what happened last time.
All right. The Whit man's in the house.
Get him!
Basil, out of the park.
All right, Lexi. Give me five, Basil.
We're out of here.
You don't mess with the Sly man, Heep.
Stop! Stop!
It's you and me, Sly.
Mano a mano.
You're a tremendous
disappointment to me, Sylvester.
You never understood
the importance of the work.
Why, you could've known greatness.
Instead, you're just gonna be another...
...another kid.
Are you smart enough to keep
your mouth shut?
Need I say more?
Et tu, Basil?
And proud of it.
Sly, I knew you'd come back for me.
Every time, kiddo.
Sly, are you okay?
I feel funny.
No. I think that's Sly.
Sly, are you okay?
What?
Helicopter.
- The helicopter pad?
- Roof.
The roof? He's on?...
Oh, my God. Elena!
Here, take him.
All right, take him up.
Take it up, you fool! Up!
Up?
Oh, my God!
Dan, are you all right? Are you okay?
Mommy!
Mommy!
Aunt Elena!
Auntie Elena!
Lower the chopper.
Lower the helicopter immediately.
Do it now.
This is your last warning.
Lower the chopper.
Officer, arrest this woman.
She's insane!
She's trying to harm the babies.
Auntie Elena, you tell them
or I swear to God...
For heaven's sakes,
stop calling me that.
I am not your aunt.
You're not my aunt?
Your mother adopted you
when you were 2!
I was adopted?
Do you actually think that you and I
come from the same gene pool?
Thank you, God. Thank you. Thank you!
I would have felt terrible
hitting my aunt like that.
Officer, that's my son.
- This is your child, ma'am?
- I know my son.
Look at your daddy.
Look at you.
Are you crossing over?
I think maybe I am.
Maybe it won't be so bad.
There's just so much they don't know.
You're right about that.
But they try so hard.
You gotta love them.
I'll see you on the other side.
I feel kind of funny myself.
See you.
Honey!
Honey!
It was a giant baby and a dinosaur.
- You're remembering.
- Something about Dickie.
Dickie and Lenny.
They were like a team.
- Something like that.
- The twins!
It was a secret lab.
Liechtenstein. Where are the boys?
- Everything's fine.
- It's true.
Babies do talk.
Now the whole world knows.
But only you understood them.
Whit and Sly.
They can tell us everything.
Guys.
Hey, twins! We've got twins.
Okay, guys, tell me the secrets of life.
Come on, Sly, what's up?
What's going on out there?
They've crossed over.
What? You've crossed over?
No secrets of life.
No universal knowledge.
Wait. Carrie knows it.
Come here, Carrie.
- Right.
- Come here.
Come here, sweetie.
Come on. Tell me everything.
Come on.
Come on, honey.
Gee, another Kodak moment.
I get it.
You're not gonna
tell me a thing, are you?
Nope.
I think she's trying to tell you this
is the way things are supposed to be.
No secrets of life.
You want to see the real secret of life?
Take a look.
Okay, that's a wrap!
You're out of here, Sly.
If they think I'm doing the sequel
for less than 20 mil, they're nuts.
What do you mean?
Sylvester. He's escaped.
Impossible.
Maximum alert.
Damn it!
He's been spotted on the mezzanine.
Secure perimeters.
Alert topside. Initiate probers. Move!
Move! Move!
He's exiting the building. Move out.
There he is. Nail him.
He's heading for the maze.
We've got him.
Cut him off!
Toward the fountain.
There he goes. He's headed back.
Coming back, toward the fountain.
He's approaching the fountain.
Seal him off.
We've got him.
Be careful. He's dangerous.
There's nowhere to go, Sly.
Give it up.
Security.
Go.
The rest of you, come with me.
Check the perimeters.
Nice try, pal.
Take him.
Stop him!
That'll be quite enough, Sylvester.
There you are, doc.
He nearly made it this time.
Tomorrow you will explain how
a mere toddler manages to escape...
...from a laboratory
25 stories below ground.
What kind of kids you breeding?
Nearly blew us away with karate.
Remarkable.
Once again we demonstrate
the superiority of the Kinder method.
Take him to the secret lab.
Operation Twincomp, access requested.
Analysing voiceprint.
Review proiect in summary form.
Twincomp...
...is designed to prove the superiority
of the Kinder method of child rearing.
To accomplish this, two years ago,
twin brothers S ylvester and Whit...
...were born to a specially selected
surrogate mother.
Director of operations,
Dr. E lena Kinder, arranged...
...for Whit to be adopted
into the home of her niece...
...and her niece's husband,
Dr. Dan Bobbins.
Sly was placed in the Babyco
Hyper-Developmental Habitat...
...to be raised under the guidance
of the Kinder method.
Summarize operational protocol.
/t is imperative for the integrity
of this experiment...
...that no one ever discover
that Sly and Whit are twins...
...especially the boys themselves.
A comparative evaluation of the boys
will occur by age 6...
...to establish conclusively the
superiority of the Kinder method.
Updating experiment log.
Last night, Baby Sylvester made his way
up 25 stories, undetected...
...escaping from his habitat
in a secret lab.
Even though it now appears
that Sly cannot be controlled...
...Dr. Kinder will be pleased by this
display of skill and intelligence.
I, however, remain apprehensive.
Under the guidance of its chairman,
Dr. E lena Kinder...
...Baby Geniuses /nc.
and its parent company Babyco...
...are the world's largest manufacturer
of products for the baby.
Babyco is also a vital
charitable organization...
...which sponsors orphanages
in 10 countries around the globe.
The latest one dedicated iust a week
ago, right here in Pasadena.
Today we are deeper
in Dr. Kinder's debt...
...for the extraordinary gift.
Joyworld, the world's largest
indoor amusement park.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you
the founder and CEO of Babyco...
...my friend, Dr. Elena Kinder.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm gonna break out.
You can't get hives just because
your aunt comes into the room.
I can't help it. She starts lying.
I start breaking out.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you all
for coming here today.
We at Babyco believe that babies
have a language of their own.
We're dedicated to proving it.
Our research in infant potentiality
is the model of the field.
But in the final analysis...
...the simple answer as to
why we do what we do is...
...we love babies.
Loves babies.
Loves money.
All right, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's have a party.
Welcome to Joyworld.
Look, it's a roller coaster!
So the park, of course,
will be free for all children.
But the money collected
from adults...
...will go to the Babyco
Worldwide Orphanage Foundation.
Is this a terrific lady, or what?
This is kind of great.
She does a lot of good.
She's good at stealing your ideas.
Attention!
Has anyone lost a baby?
A very big baby?
Ladies and gentlemen...
...Baby Bunting!
That looks like your illustration.
That looks like Boo Boo Boy
from Baby's Good Day.
Bunting came into this world
just last week.
Now, everything is fully controlled...
...by our computerized command centre.
Hiya, fellas.
And now go to crossover mode.
Okay, Richard.
Give me Baby Bunting vocal.
What's your name, little girl?
Erin. My name is Erin.
What a sweet name.
Give Baby Bunting a big hug.
And cue burp...
...now.
Well! Think about changing his diaper.
Come on, honey. This way.
Kids, good news!
Robotic Santa and the robotic elves...
...are waiting to greet you
at the robotic North Pole.
/n fact, we have robotic entertainers
located throughout the park...
...all controlled from our
central command centre.
Okay, let's cue up for Robo-Zoo.
And here we have the world's
most unique animal farm.
We call it Robo-Zoo.
Each child gets a remote control...
...to control
their own robotic animal.
Why wouldn't you have
real animals in your zoo?
Good heavens! Anybody could do that.
Plastic zoo.
That's definitely Aunt Elena's idea.
At least she could have introduced you.
She steals from your books,
from your research.
/'m flattered.
She knows about your breakthrough
in infant language.
She'll probably try to steal that too.
You make her sound
like Attila the Hun.
Honey, we're barely able to afford your
research facility and the preschool.
She does this all the time.
/t's iust not right.
I think she's just goal-oriented.
Her goal is to take
over the world. I know.
I lived with her
for more than half my life.
And look how great you turned out.
Lenny?
Where are you going
with those children?
What children? These are not children.
These are plumbers.
They're gonna help me fix the sink.
Good-luck kiss.
With this house, you need more than luck.
Okay, let's get to work.
Just as you thought, our line
of expandable infant clothing...
...has elicited a tremendous
response in our first pass.
Huge numbers from the Kmart
and Wal-Mart shoppers.
That should increase our market share.
Put it in production.
Tell me of the new ones.
How many possibles?
- Eight show potential.
- Eight out of 500?
Elena, statistically, genius occurs
once in 10,000 individuals.
We expected only five geniuses
from the Pasadena Orphanage.
We've got eight.
Don't tell me how well we're doing.
Our orphanages and secret labs
are costing us 200 million a year.
The sole purpose of these orphanages is
to allow us to cull out the geniuses...
...the natural leaders.
- We'll do better.
I'll settle for a few more
like Sylvester.
Look at what that crackerjack did.
All our emphasis has been on
keeping the world out of a secret lab.
No one ever considered
the possibility of a baby escaping.
Just look at this wonderful world we've
created for our babies to grow up in.
Why would anyone
want to escape from here?
The one who did is in the work station,
no doubt planning his next escape.
Hello, Sylvester.
- What's he constructing?
- We don't know.
He builds all kinds
of extraordinary things.
For all kinds of extraordinary purposes.
Just look at that intensity.
There's no other baby like Sylvester.
Well, maybe one.
His twin, Whit?
Whit!
Mayday!
Whitley, where is helper number one?
Give me the lug wrench. Whit, hurry up.
Go! On the double!
Oh, mama!
Mama.
Listen, you monkey.
This is a monkey wrench!
Plumber's helper number one,
you're fired. Get out of town.
What is that terrible noise?
Noise to us.
But the computers analyse
every possible permutation.
What we hear as incoherent noise
may actually be a musical masterpiece.
Listen to our computer's
interpretation of Basil's playing.
That's remarkable.
It has all the complexities
of a symphony by Haydn or Beethoven.
If that's the case...
...it's possible that what we hear
as baby talk is actually conversation.
Exactly. And look at this.
A child writing on a pad, right? No.
After checking all languages...
...we found out they're writing
the cuneiform language.
They speak their own language.
They understand all others.
Now watch this.
Subject One speaks, and we
immediately see activity here...
...in the lower limbic region...
...while Subject Two, as he listens...
...is active in the forebrain.
These babies are having a conversation.
We just don't understand them.
The instant a child begins
to speak in any known language...
...the limbic activity ceases.
As though they forget.
Exactly. Bobbins was right.
What if the limbic activity
is not merely speech?
What if it's stored knowledge...
...from an early-parent gene pool?
Passed from generation to generation.
Amazing!
They may know
the secrets of the universe.
The greatest
breakthrough in history!
Change humanity!
If we find the key to the human mind...
...every child will be
educated in my method.
Every great mind will be ours to mold.
Let's get them all
into the amphitheatre.
Hello, my little baby geniuses.
What are we discussing today?
Could it be postmodern
ethical construction?
How about...
...the mechanics of human knowledge?
My little Sly one.
Sly, tell me...
...what are you thinking?
Come on. You can look at me.
What are you thinking?
What are you saying?
Enlighten me, my little Einstein.
What do you think?
Should I enlighten her?
She won't understand.
She doesn't speak our language.
But go ahead. Have fun.
Lead us through the wilderness,
my little warrior.
All right, all right. That does it.
Doc, if you're gonna talk
out of your ass all the time...
...maybe you should wear
a bow tie on your butt.
Bow tie? On her butt?
On her butt?
That's disgusting, Sylvester.
You know...
...you think because I don't understand
you, I don't understand what's going on.
Don't be too sure about that, honey.
Yeah, right. And don't call me honey.
Okay, Sly man, one.
Dr. Kinder, zip.
You're always busting her chops.
Are you kidding? Give me a break.
She's Darth Vader in a skirt.
Dr. Kinder's our benefactor.
Because of her,
there will be a new order...
...and we will be its leaders.
Don't have a cow, Basil.
Why do you talk like that?
Your syntax is atrocious.
It's because he watches TV all the time.
How does he do that?
He converts the monitors.
You ought to all watch TV.
Check out the real world,
like Jerry Springer.
And have fun.
This is exactly what Dr. Kinder...
...is trying to overcome.
Moral decay.
Now you sound like Heep.
Discipline, discipline, discipline.
Reward and deprive.
Give the babies a crumb. Take it away.
Like Pavlov's dogs. Hold up the bone,
the doggies salivate.
If they behave,
give them a little gristle.
If you don't like it...
...why don't you just leave?
He'll just take the next bus.
You're such a weasel, Basil.
Nice face, weasel.
You fool. Dr. Heep is watching.
Don't mess with the Sly man, Heepster.
We're back!
Dickie?
Where is he?
Carrie? Whit?
The kids aren't here.
Wait a minute. Hello?
Anybody?
Whit? Is that you?
What's this mess? Look at this water.
No fraternizing with the help!
Carrie, look at you.
You are soaking wet.
You are soaking wet. And look at Whit.
You know what? You two go for a swim...
...and Uncle Lenny and I
are gonna have a little talk, okay?
This water here on the floor.
Is it dangerous?
Please. The power's out, anyway.
The power's out?
Great. Where's Dickie?
I don't know.
Nice 'do, Dickie.
You look like Mount Pepto-Bismol
just erupted.
Pink is cosmic, all right?
For the last time, my name ain't Dickie.
It's Ice Pick.
Would you people get that straight?
Ice Pick...
...I love the creativity and imagination
that you've displayed here...
...but no matter how outrageous
you act or you dress...
...I'm not gonna fire you.
So give it a rest.
Love you, pal. Grab a mop.
He could use that pink one
he's got on his head.
Don't worry. He's just acting out.
We'll bring him around.
Can you tell me why
we're doing this again?
I promised Dan's brother we'd get him
through one job without getting canned.
I wish I could afford
a makeover like that.
These are the bills
that have to be paid this month...
...but this baby...
...is actually a check...
...made out to your business
for 34 big ones.
Dollars, that is.
Why don't you collect
from some of these stiffs?
Their kids spend more time here
than they do at home.
One ring off Elena's finger,
you could run this place forever.
That being said, I'm resigning.
Effective immediately.
" Ice Pick. " I like that,
but it's a little commonplace.
What about " Ice Pick the Great"
or "Saint Ice Pick"?
Or "The Great and Powerful
Wizard of Ice Pick"?
Very funny.
Seven on a scale of a thousand.
Nose Pick, let me ask you a question.
Why cut new holes?
Why not close up some of the old ones...
...like your mouth?
What is that, an old hippie joke?
Wrong answer.
Don't you kids try that at home.
Margo, don't pull
on Dickie's earring, okay? Grow up.
Ice Pick is right.
Auntie Elena should help.
You're not supposed
to call her "auntie. "
- Just Elena.
- What's it matter?
They can't understand me.
He does so much good.
I wish we could help.
I tried. I gave him
that idea subliminally...
...about a new wing.
What's that do?
Increase their disposable income
by a factor of four at least.
Honey! Honey.
Did you hear that?
Tell me you heard that.
Whit. He just said, clear as a bell...
..." by a factor of four at least. "
And I understood it.
This is so great.
It was in their language,
but that was the phrase.
Those were the words,
" by a factor of four. "
Beats the hell out of "dada. "
- You got it?
- Right here.
- He's got it.
- Let's see it.
Oh, boy, home movies.
He understood our language.
Is that all you have to say?
Okay. Let me think.
He's going to want us to explain
the secrets of the universe.
That could be a real problem.
Well, you're in trouble
again, Sylvester.
Now go to sleep,
or it's Valium for you, pal.
There you are. You got that lock?
I've got the security bonder.
Yeah, right. Okay, Sly man...
...I've got that surprise I promised.
Let's see you get out
of this one, Houdini.
Dumb and Dumber.
Lock and load.
Say "cheese. "
Cheese!
We're currently experiencing
technical difficulties.
What the hell?
It's too easy.
What do you got?
A temporary loss of transmission
in Quadrant 4.
Lexi?
You're out.
Come with me.
I want to, but I'm too scared.
I'll take you to a mall.
A mall?
Really?
I can't.
Wait a minute.
I heard something. You better go.
Bye.
Take care of yourself.
I'll miss you.
Quadrant 2's down now.
Don't be late, babe.
Five, four, three...
...two, one.
Diaper Express. Right on time.
Diaper gravy.
Well, give me liberty or give me death.
Not exactly aromatherapy.
I should've taken death.
Yeah, well, there it is
in plain English.
It sounds like baby talk, but he's
saying, " by a factor of four at least. "
How can you tell?
It's like this language that I used to
speak, and I've just forgotten it...
...except for once in a while.
I believe you, honey. Really, I do.
Can I go home now?
Yeah, but remember one thing, Nosebleed.
Dennis Rodman can afford
to look like roadkill.
He gets 18 rebounds a game.
Sweet dreams, robo-entertainers.
I don't wanna hear any snoring.
How were the crowds?
20,000 maniacs disguised as kids.
How do you think they were?
We had some glitches with Bunting.
Bring up his schematic.
Coming up.
The world's biggest video game.
The tracking software
needs to be recompiled.
If you don't have any dirty diapers...
Dive, dive!
- Come on. I'm looking bad.
- He tries so hard.
I hope when I go over and speak their
language, I'll remember to thank him.
How could you thank him?
When you cross over, you won't remember
anything you know now.
Wait a minute. I got a great idea.
Have you said "dada" or "mama" yet?
No, that's so stupid. I've decided...
...the first time I speak, I'm gonna
quote the Gettysburg Address. Flat out.
No, you gotta say "dada. "
Say it. He'll go nuts!
He'll call Mom and they'll both go nuts.
I don't know.
You gotta say it. Come on, do it.
I'll do it.
Dada!
You said "dada. "
She said "dada"! I got it on video.
I can't believe it! I missed it!
- Where is she?
- Come on, girl. Where is she?
My little sweetie.
My little doll.
- Told you.
- Say "dada. "
- Can you say "mama"?
- Watch this. Mama!
She said it!
She did, she did.
What are you feeding those kids anyway?
Too much.
- Happy trails.
- Okay, take care.
Diaper gravy.
This is awesome!
Where are the chicks?
Hasta la vista, baby.
All right! Look out, world.
Sly man's here!
The night is young. And so am I.
Diaper gravy.
Having that strange feeling again?
Yeah. Like somebody's calling me.
It sure happens a lot.
What are they saying?
I don't know. But it sure is scary.
Whose little boy are you?
- Whit, what's wrong?
- What is it, sweetie?
Hey, come here.
Did something scare you?
Come on.
- Let's take you upstairs.
- It's almost bedtime. Let's go.
Down to the last
cleaning person, you have passed...
...the most stringent
security check ever devised!
You each receive
salaries 10 times...
...that of similar positions
in other companies.
Why?
You are part of the most
momentous experiment...
...in the history of corporate
research and development!
You are entrusted...
...with that knowledge...
...and the responsibility
that goes with it.
And you have failed that responsibility.
Now I don't care how, or what you do.
Get Sylvester back.
Yes, sir, you're someone's
little boy, all right.
And there's going to be a reward,
and I'm going to be the rewardee.
I'm going to take real good care of you.
Reward? Hell, forget reward.
Let's talk ransom.
Yeah, that's what we'll do.
Ransom and easy street.
And if they don't come through...
Well, let's not think about that.
Looking good.
Come back when you're ready
to play in the bigs.
I gotta get a disguise.
Good evening.
Good evening.
What? This is a fashion statement.
You see that?
It looked like a kid.
That's a baby.
This disguise sucks.
Taxi!
Hey, babe.
Where are we going?
Since I can't walk, I guess we're
going wherever my mother's going.
Is that friendly?
What does this look like?
The welcome wagon?
Look, I got a problem.
Take off your clothes.
Okay, but at least you could
take me to dinner first.
Oy, a comedian.
Yikes!
Who designed this dress?
Larry, Moe and Curly?
Call me.
Oh, no. It's Elena's goons.
Don't forget, I'm listed.
Merry Christmas, Morty.
See you tomorrow.
Good night, boss.
Sure glad she wasn't wearing heels.
One umbrella one
Two umbrella two...
- Let's go upstairs to the zoo
- Good night, Amanda.
Good night, Rachel.
Sweet dreams.
That was beautiful.
Sleep tight, you guys.
Yeah, there we go.
We'll watch them till you come up.
- Why don't we have another?
- What?
Baby.
I tell you what.
You carry it for 41/2 months and
I'll carry it for 41/2 months.
Deal. Let's start now.
Honey...
Honey, we adopted Whit...
...because we thought that we
couldn't have children of our own.
And then we had Carrie.
She was our little miracle baby.
And miracles can re-occur.
Well, let's not talk
about that right now, okay?
Maybe next year.
Now, sweetheart...
...love of my life,
father of my children.
Did you tell Mr. Wilson
that we wanted a $50,000 loan...
...for a new wing?
Oh, yeah, that.
Oh, yeah, that.
- I meant to show you something.
- We're behind on the mortgage.
We have to go to the bank and beg.
I just want you to look at some numbers.
Right now we get $300 a month for each
baby in the research program, right?
Right. If we take in 10 more babies...
...we qualify as a Chapter 40
research corporation...
...and then we get $900 a baby.
Nine hundred?
So...
...the 10 new babies, our six...
...that's 14,400 a month,
2,000 a month for the loan.
Even with more help,
we'll still operate above break-even.
We can do more research,
take in more babies...
...lose less money.
This is amazing.
This actually makes sense.
Wait a minute.
You don't have a single cell in your
entire brain devoted to business.
How did you come up with this?
Actually, I don't think I did.
I think it was...
...Whit.
Whit told you this business plan?
Well, not tell exactly.
It was just... It came to me.
When I was working with him,
it kind of...
...jumped out of his brain
and landed in mine.
I went to the pamphlets. It works.
Kid knows his business.
Got some better news.
What?
'Twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the house...
...not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse.
Or a kid.
Or a toddler.
Okay, Charlie, they're all out
for the night. Lock it up.
Sly's in the house!
King of the mall!
Macy's.
Damn! I didn't bring
my credit cards.
Shop till you drop.
Video games. My kingdom
for some video games.
What have / got?
Baby Guess.
I can get out of drag.
Smoking!
He shoots. He scores!
- World Facts for 800, please.
- Answer. Daily Double.
You're close to the lead.
Donna moved ahead a while ago,
but you're iust $100 away.
/'ll wager 1, 100, please.
For a $1, 000 lead,
here's the clue in World Facts.
"Discovered by David Livingstone,
Botswana's Lake Ngami...
...lies in the northern part
of this desert. "
What is the Kalahari?
What is the Gobi?
No. Wrong part of the world.
What is the Kalahari?
All right, that takes you
to 4,800. Pick again.
Do you think we've lived before?
I don't know, honey. That's your area.
The Tibetans believe that
when we're born again...
...we retain universal knowledge
for the first two years.
Then we learn to talk
and we forget it all.
They call it "crossing over. "
I'm doing a crossword here.
Universal knowledge can wait.
No, just think.
What if our babies
have all the answers to life?
I'd settle for 28 across. What was it
that Miss Muffet sat on again?
Her tuffet.
What the hell is a tuffet anyway?
You got me.
When you tap into universal knowledge,
you find out and let me know.
Lexi, you should've been here, kid.
What? You never heard
of Weight Watchers?
Diaper rodeo!
On your mark. Get set. Go!
- Here goes Old Faithful.
- Sprang a leak!
Come here, sweetie.
- A winner.
- Time!
Rotator cuff, rotator cuff injury.
May the wrath of Shiva descend upon you.
Stick to your rapping, Ice Shtick...
...and leave the wisecracks
to the people with IQs over 40.
It's not rap. It's mantra.
Junior, I was chanting mantras
before you were born.
You were chanting mantras
before Buddha was born.
Pretty...
That's pretty good.
Christmas shopping. Pray for me.
Want me to take the kids?
You can leave Carrie.
I'm going to run some stats.
Okay, come here.
You're going to love it.
That's a car. You can't
have a car for Christmas.
It's a little too expensive. Well,
maybe a little dinky car would be good.
What the hell was that?
I think I just had a kid.
Babyco 1, he's been spotted.
He's heading your way.
Busted.
Right up to the tunnel.
Go on.
We're on him.
Hey, buddy.
Come on, kid.
Give it up.
I hope you got a kick out of that.
Whittie, you there?
Over here.
Sweetie?
You still in there?
Where'd he go?
What was that scream? Was that you?
Sweetie, what are you looking at?
I thought we dressed you in overalls.
That's strange.
My little sugar.
Were you scared again?
Come on. I know what's gonna
cheer you up. Mommy knows.
Tears?
Could this be guilt
for threatening our great work?
Put him down.
I want you to see this boy...
...who has jeopardized
everything we've worked for.
Serves him right.
Why don't you go talk to your computers,
Basil? They understand you.
They don't like him either.
All right, Sylvester, go to your room.
We'll settle this later.
For heaven's sakes,
someone get him out of my sight!
I've never seen him like this before.
Go run some of that off, honey.
Watch out for that rope.
You know, I gave him a couple of slurps
of my ice cream and he just went nuts.
Dan, come out here.
I don't know what you feed him,
but where can I get some?
How does he do that?
Sugar high. You should've seen him
at Baskin-Robbins.
We've been banned for life.
Well, he seems okay.
I'll have a talk with him.
What is wrong with you?
I'm the executive director
of a madhouse.
What's wrong?
Nothing ever scares Sly.
I just want him to stop crying.
She's still upset, honey.
It's all right.
Just go to sleep, Carrie.
You'll be all right.
- There we are.
- Okay, you sleep tight.
First Whit, and now Carrie.
Must be contagious.
Night, guys.
Had any of those weird feelings lately?
- What?
- You heard me.
Lighten up, will you?
You're not my brother.
You fooled my mom and dad,
but you don't fool me.
What do you mean?
- You're not my brother.
- Don't be dumb.
Jerk.
She's gonna be trouble.
Play. I'll be watching you.
Want to swing? I'll push you.
I don't want to.
Tell us what happened.
I was at the playground with my mom...
With your what?
He's delusional.
You're such a putz, Basil.
Ignore him.
Go on.
And I climbed up the slide
and I bumped into this other kid...
...and when I got up, it was me.
What do you mean, it was you?
The other boy. He looked just like me.
What's your name?
Whit.
Oh, boy.
Don't worry, Whit.
It'll be all right.
Dr. Kinder will take you
back to your mother.
She'll do no such thing.
Don't you see?
Dr. Kinder arranged
for the Bobbins to adopt Whit...
...for just this purpose.
A twin progressive,
comparative experimentation.
What's he talking about?
We don't know, and we're geniuses.
It means Dr. Kinder
let that quack, Bobbins...
...raise Whit while
she raised Sylvester...
...to demonstrate the superiority...
...of the Kinder method.
And wait till she finds out
the twins have been switched.
She'll realize she has an opportunity
for a living cross-evaluation.
He's at it again.
Obviously Sly, swine though he is...
...is superior to this Whit individual.
Gee, thanks.
- She wouldn't do that.
- Do what?
Keep a child from its mother
just to prove her theory.
Oh, really?
Get Dr. Kinder down here.
Tell me, who is this?
That's Sylvester.
His brain synapses fire at a rate...
...of about 40@@@ above normal.
So that's Sly, right?
Look at this...
...little person's voiceprint.
So?
Compare it to this voiceprint
taken from Sly last week.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, no.
Those imbeciles!
Sly?
Whit?
You idiots!
You imbeciles!
You morons!
- You cretins! You, you...
- Boring.
Traitors.
No, not...
...idiots, no.
You wonderful...
...brilliant assemblage.
You have given me the greatest gift
of my entire life...
...our own living cross-evaluation!
Told you.
Brown nose.
Give them all a raise.
Brilliant.
I feel so warm and motherly.
I think I'll go visit my darling niece.
And the mother of the year is...
Start the comparative tests on Whit.
We'll see how Sylvester's
doing among the peasants.
How can she do this?
Don't you understand?
Dr. Kinder is acting
for the greater good.
Maybe it's all right for us,
but Whit has a mom and dad.
What's wrong with you?
She's not going to keep Whit forever.
Yeah, sure, Basil.
This is Dr. Kinder
we're talking about...
...not Dr. Frankenstein.
Teddie, what is it?
I feel funny.
What's wrong?
She's crossing over.
She's going to be one
of the grownups now.
Don't worry. This is the way
it's supposed to be.
You'll all cross over soon.
Bye.
Don't go, Teddie.
My God, look at that.
Two years old and the limbic activity
is slowing down.
The frontal lobes are taking over.
We were right.
Will she remember us?
No, she's one of them now.
Dan, we can't be late.
They're late. They're late
for a very important date.
Your mom and dad are off trying
to save the farm. Hip, hip, hooray!
Oh, you sweethearts. Thank you.
Thanks, all of you.
Here, you take her.
My little angel.
Who's there?
Let's go see.
Come on. I'll make you breakfast.
Pancakes in the shape of a witch.
Still getting your help
from the work-release program, I see.
Give Dr. Kinder a nice big kiss.
Very nice.
I love coming to this house.
There's just something
about it that's so...
...homey.
- We were just going out.
- You were going out?
Tell me, how is Whit?
Is he talking yet?
Actually, two days ago we had
some communication in pre-language talk.
Really?
We caught it on video.
On video?
I've translated several whole sentences.
Whole sentences?
I have a wonderful idea.
Why don't we take Whit to the lab?
With your gift...
...for pre-language...
...and our technology,
I'm sure we can skip a step or two.
What?
Slow down, pal. What?
Don't do it.
What? What'd he say?
" Don't do it. "
That's ridiculous.
What are you saying?
They've got Whit.
Wait a minute.
Who's got Whit? You're Whit.
- Go on.
- Can't.
That's all I'm getting.
Isn't that amazing?
I must be running along. I have
some serious, important matters...
...that I have to attend to.
Goodbye, Whit.
Hives. She's up to something.
- What is going on with you today?
- We got to go.
You okay, sweetie?
You look a little sad.
We do have to go.
Carrie, go back with the babies.
Get me Dr. Heep
on the phone immediately.
/ don't care what he's doing.
Get him on the phone now!
Jonathan, / want two of our best men
sent down here now.
No! You idiot. No, listen to me.
Dan is beginning to understand
both of them.
And if he does, then we go to prison.
We have to have them both.
We can't switch them.
I want you to rest here
a little minute, okay?
Here we go. There you go.
Margo will be right back.
Keep an eye on that boy now.
You want to tell us about it?
Yeah, I guess so.
What now?
You have to ask? It's the power.
If this house was a dog,
we'd have it put to sleep.
Well, would you look at that.
The sun is setting in that boy's pants.
He wishes.
Nice work there, Dickie.
Real classy.
So I'm fired, right?
Fat chance. Change your shirt
and check on the babies.
A lot of Van Gogh in that kid.
His ear is still intact.
- You're weird.
- Check on the power.
You just let them take your brother?
- It didn't even bother you?
- It bothered me.
There just wasn't anything
I could do to help him.
We're tracing the power outage,
and this property may be the source.
- What can we do to help?
- We need access to your hookup.
Ray, why don't you check the basement?
I'll look upstairs.
What's going on? Who is that?
It's Elena's goons. They're after me.
Into the bedroom. Hurry up.
What's a goon?
So how long have you been
into self-mutilation?
We all need a hobby.
How many bedrooms on this floor?
- Four.
- And on the third floor?
Five.
I want you to go down, get my partner
and tell him I need a hand.
Keep an eye on the babies.
My pleasure.
Brilliant, Dickie. Why didn't you
just stuff me in a suitcase for him?
Close the door.
You must be Sylvester.
I heard about you and your karate.
I'm a black belt.
Care to try me, son?
I'd be too scared.
Now, I guess you expect me
to step over this ski...
...and you'll jump on the end,
and the end will hit me in the gonads.
I'll scream and fall down the stairs.
Is that right?
I think you've been seeing
too many bad movies, pal.
Because I'm just going
to step around the ski.
Just how stupid do you think I am?
Pretty stupid.
Gee, I bet that felt good.
What happened?
Sly kicked him right
in the forbidden zone.
What's going on?
A work-related injury.
I better go up and see what happened.
Tough guy, eh?
Well...
...you're about to meet
your worst nightmare.
Goon, that is some lame dialogue.
You really think I'm gonna
walk over that ski...
...and you're gonna jump...
...and that ski's gonna
hit me in the gonads...
...and I'm gonna scream
and make a funny face and fall?
I don't think so.
Cross your legs and smile.
You don't mess with the Sly man.
Driver! Babyco, right away.
Jonathan, I want the laboratory
stripped. Disappear. Understand?
I want bare walls.
You told me before that Whit
used to get weird feelings.
Like someone was calling him.
I think that was me.
All right, sit on the floor in a circle.
Sit on the floor? In a circle?
What part don't you understand?
Bare walls! I want this place
stripped in three hours.
Suppose he does break through?
Nobody will be able
to understand Sylvester.
Who'll believe Bobbins?
All he has to do is take Sylvester to
the hospital where the twins were born.
Would you be careful?
And ask for a handprint validation.
After that, they'll know
they've got Sly.
And my darling niece will have
the police here in less than an hour!
Bare walls! Bare walls in three hours!
- Move it!
- What are you doing? Get a move on!
What's he doing?
Dr. Kinder's not taking him
back to his parents.
I don't believe it.
Not Dr. Frankenstein, huh?
She's gonna move him tonight.
We've got to help.
They're coming.
Who's coming?
Sly and the kids.
They're coming to break us out.
- When?
- Tonight.
We could cross over at any time,
and then she wins.
Either you're with her or with us.
We're with you.
Basil, decide.
Decide now.
Let's kick butt!
He's with us.
I think we've got company.
Come on. The mind's
a terrible thing to waste.
Come on, troops. Move it.
What are we gonna do?
- We're gonna train.
- We're going on a train!
Oy vey!
Up, down, up, down...
This is pathetic.
Hut, two, three, four...
You call those jumping jacks?
More like jumping jerks.
Stop! Stop!
Stop!
Hold it!
This isn't working.
What do you expect?
We're geniuses, not ninjas.
Dig deeper, guys.
I need warriors. Now move out.
Under the net. Under the net!
What?
Move! Move! Move!
Karate.
Hopeless.
Now let's concentrate.
Okay, one at a time.
One at a time! One at a time!
This is harder than I thought.
It's my turn.
Perfect.
Absolutely perfect.
All right, we have to use
our secret weapon.
And what's that?
Duby, what is it adults fear most...
...about babies?
- Dirty diapers.
You're wrong.
They make those stupid faces
when they change our diapers.
Dirty diapers. That's funny.
It's our intelligence.
We have to use our intelligence.
That's it.
All right, everybody. Follow me.
All right, everybody. Take your places.
Move it.
Malcolm, take the flank.
Joey, over here with us.
- Sly, do I have time to go potty?
- The potty?
You're wearing the potty.
Put it on hold.
This is much more important.
Easy for you to say.
You are in my power.
You will obey my commands.
What are you trying to do?
I think grownups remember
our language in their subconscious.
If I'm right...
...I can hypnotize him.
You are in my power.
You will obey my commands.
Before I take the babies home...
...I will drive to Babyco.
Everything depends
on my driving to Babyco.
You are in my power.
You will obey my commands.
Let's see if we've really got him.
Lenny, raise your arm.
All right.
Make him stick out his tongue.
Stick out your tongue.
Make him wiggle his tongue.
Now, wiggle your tongue.
Sly, make him pick his nose. Go on.
Come on, Sly. Make him pick it.
That's gross.
- Make him.
- Make him pick his nose.
Pick your nose now.
Pick it. Pick it.
When I snap my fingers...
...you'll wake up.
Lenny, wake up.
Time to take the kids home.
Get their jackets on them.
We leave here in 30 minutes.
I'm up!
All right, move out.
Where is that?...
Boy, this is not your lunch break.
All right, Ice Pick. Hop to it.
Come on, Carrie.
Aren't you coming?
No, I got a job to do here.
/ don't know but /'ve been told...
Eskimo girls are mighty cold...
Dr. Kinder is a son of a gun...
Got cooties and they weigh a ton...
One, two, three, four
One, two...
Three, four...
- We got it! We got it, Margo!
- We did it!
Where is everybody?
You got what? An eviction notice?
We get the whole ball of wax.
The loan, everything.
We find out tomorrow.
Where is everybody?
Out delivering the kids.
Is everything okay?
I don't know.
Something weird's going on.
I got a bad feeling.
Mrs. Dexter?
He hasn't?
Randy hasn't gotten home yet.
- Okay. I'll get right on it.
- It's late.
Mrs. Walters?
I know. Well, we're checking into it.
It's probably a flat tire.
Okay, I'll phone you back.
I'll phone the bus.
Bobbins' bus.
Where are you?
We have a vitally important
errand at Babyco.
We have a vitally important
errand at Babyco.
What did he say?
They had a vitally important
errand at Babyco.
Dickie was kind of
saying it along with him.
Like a song-and-dance team?
I don't know. They sound like robots.
What kind of errand could they
possibly have at Babyco?
What is it, honey?
Yes, Mrs. Skyla.
I think she's trying to tell us
something about Whit.
- He's in the bathroom.
- Quack, quack.
What are you trying to tell us?
He went off with a duck?
What is it, sweetie?
Babyco.
Hello. Mrs. Hebutis.
Concentrate, Daddy.
You can do it, Daddy.
Try.
Go on. I'm getting it.
Connect with your inner child.
- Try harder. Danger!
- What?
Whit has a twin brother called Sly.
He's been here for the last two days.
- What?
- What "what"?
Sly and Whit got switched
at the mall.
And Dr. Kinder kept Whit
in her secret lab to experiment on.
Oh, my God!
- What?
- She says Elena has a secret lab.
I don't believe this.
Whit and Sly got switched.
What? Who's Sly?
She's getting rid of the lab
and moving the babies to Liechtenstein.
Liechtenstein? Oh, my God!
Liechtenstein? What Liechtenstein?
I'll tell you on the way.
Sweetie, do you know
all the secrets to life?
Sure. Piece of cake.
I'll explain when you get back.
- What's with the Liechtenstein?
- I'll tell you.
Liechtenstein.
I hate Liechtenstein!
Hello? 911?
This is an emergency.
- What is the nature of this emergency?
- There's been a kidnapping.
And who's been kidnapped?
My son.
How old is he?
Who kidnapped him?
He's almost 2, and his aunt
did it yesterday at the mall.
His aunt kidnapped him
at the mall yesterday?
- Right.
- And you're just reporting it?
She switched him for his twin brother.
She switched him with his twin?
- How do you know this?
- My daughter told me.
How old is she?
Eighteen months.
- / know this sounds strange.
- No, sir.
I get this kind of call all the time.
Now let me get this straight.
Your 18-month-old daughter told you...
...that her aunt kidnapped your son...
...by trading him
for his twin at the mall?
- Is that about it?
- Listen.
This woman is moving all of the babies
to a secret lab in Liechtenstein!
A secret lab in Liechtenstein?
Well, that is serious.
Give me your name, sir,
and I'll get you all the help you need.
- She thinks I'm nuts.
- Well, no wonder.
911?
Now listen.
You know that Babyco building?
There's a bomb in there, and we're going
to blow those little suckers to Venus!
You wanted cops? You got cops.
The magnificent Sly
and the Bobbins' babies...
...have a vitally important
errand at Babyco.
Security personnel, report to stations.
What are you doing?
The magnificent Sly
and the Bobbins' babies...
...have a vitally important
errand at Babyco.
What's up, doc?
Well, well...
...the resourceful Mr. Sly.
Go! Go! Move!
I don't know who
your friends were, Sly...
...but I do know one thing.
You are mine.
See you in Joyworld, doc.
You know the drill. Take your places.
I'll be in the control centre.
Move out.
Show me the money.
Fasten your seat belt, doc.
The ca-ca's gonna hit the fan.
Okay, robo-entertainers, where are you?
Beautiful.
Where are you, big boy?
Okay, baby, nappy's over.
Come on, you can do it.
Give me five.
That's it. Cool.
Let's bring up some schematics.
Great. Now for a little rewiring, boys.
And then...
...let the games begin.
Bring my helicopter to the helipad
at the back of Joyworld.
Hover and descend on my command.
What can you hope to get from this?
Just a little satisfaction, doc.
Okay, let's get ready to move out.
All right, Sly, come off it.
I know it's you.
Okay, brother, make your move.
All right. The fun is over.
Okay, boys, let's march.
Lights...
...camera...
...action!
Baby...
...want a hug.
Baby want a hug.
- Get them, you fool!
- Go!
Baby want a hug.
What? No hug?
That make Baby Bunting mad.
Get the baby!
Right cross.
Left hook.
You the one, baby.
Okay, alien, a little target practice.
Blew his brains out!
Merry Christmas!
And a happy New Year...
What's the matter with you guys?
These are oversized dolls!
Go, clown.
You know the drill.
Lexi, kangaroo. Duby, ostrich.
Oh, behave, baby!
Enjoy the ride, suckers!
Not yet.
Not yet. Now!
Take him.
You take him.
I saw what happened last time.
All right. The Whit man's in the house.
Get him!
Basil, out of the park.
All right, Lexi. Give me five, Basil.
We're out of here.
You don't mess with the Sly man, Heep.
Stop! Stop!
It's you and me, Sly.
Mano a mano.
You're a tremendous
disappointment to me, Sylvester.
You never understood
the importance of the work.
Why, you could've known greatness.
Instead, you're just gonna be another...
...another kid.
Are you smart enough to keep
your mouth shut?
Need I say more?
Et tu, Basil?
And proud of it.
Sly, I knew you'd come back for me.
Every time, kiddo.
Sly, are you okay?
I feel funny.
No. I think that's Sly.
Sly, are you okay?
What?
Helicopter.
- The helicopter pad?
- Roof.
The roof? He's on?...
Oh, my God. Elena!
Here, take him.
All right, take him up.
Take it up, you fool! Up!
Up?
Oh, my God!
Dan, are you all right? Are you okay?
Mommy!
Mommy!
Aunt Elena!
Auntie Elena!
Lower the chopper.
Lower the helicopter immediately.
Do it now.
This is your last warning.
Lower the chopper.
Officer, arrest this woman.
She's insane!
She's trying to harm the babies.
Auntie Elena, you tell them
or I swear to God...
For heaven's sakes,
stop calling me that.
I am not your aunt.
You're not my aunt?
Your mother adopted you
when you were 2!
I was adopted?
Do you actually think that you and I
come from the same gene pool?
Thank you, God. Thank you. Thank you!
I would have felt terrible
hitting my aunt like that.
Officer, that's my son.
- This is your child, ma'am?
- I know my son.
Look at your daddy.
Look at you.
Are you crossing over?
I think maybe I am.
Maybe it won't be so bad.
There's just so much they don't know.
You're right about that.
But they try so hard.
You gotta love them.
I'll see you on the other side.
I feel kind of funny myself.
See you.
Honey!
Honey!
It was a giant baby and a dinosaur.
- You're remembering.
- Something about Dickie.
Dickie and Lenny.
They were like a team.
- Something like that.
- The twins!
It was a secret lab.
Liechtenstein. Where are the boys?
- Everything's fine.
- It's true.
Babies do talk.
Now the whole world knows.
But only you understood them.
Whit and Sly.
They can tell us everything.
Guys.
Hey, twins! We've got twins.
Okay, guys, tell me the secrets of life.
Come on, Sly, what's up?
What's going on out there?
They've crossed over.
What? You've crossed over?
No secrets of life.
No universal knowledge.
Wait. Carrie knows it.
Come here, Carrie.
- Right.
- Come here.
Come here, sweetie.
Come on. Tell me everything.
Come on.
Come on, honey.
Gee, another Kodak moment.
I get it.
You're not gonna
tell me a thing, are you?
Nope.
I think she's trying to tell you this
is the way things are supposed to be.
No secrets of life.
You want to see the real secret of life?
Take a look.
Okay, that's a wrap!
You're out of here, Sly.
If they think I'm doing the sequel
for less than 20 mil, they're nuts.