Back to School (1986) Movie Script
Thorny.
You call this a report card?
What kind of marks is these?
How you gonna go to college
with marks like these?
I don't want to go to college.
I want to work
in the shop with you.
You want to work
in the shop with me, huh?
Listen to me.
I said it once,
and I'll say it again...
I don't care how rich
or successful a man is...
if he don't got an education,
he's got nothing.
- I tried, Pop. I can't do it.
- Then try harder!
You can do anything in life
you want to do.
Remember... you're a Meloni.
Hi there.
Are you a large person?
Pleasantly plump? A little
on the hefty side, perhaps?
Well, let's face it.
Are you fat?
When you go jogging,
do you leave potholes?
When you make love,
do you have to give directions?
At the zoo, do elephants
throw you peanuts?
Do you look at a menu
and say, "OK"?
Well, now you can
eat all you want...
because at Thornton Melon's
Tall and Fat stores...
we've got you covered.
That's right... fine woolen
and woolen blend suits...
and sport coats
in all the larger sizes...
husky, stout, extra-stout
and the new Hindenburg line.
And for you ladies,
we have caftans, muumuus...
and our own exclusive A-frame
in all colors and patterns.
Yes, we have
miles and miles of fabric.
So take it from me,
Thornton Melon...
if you want to look thin,
you hang out with fat people.
Thornton Melon's Tall and Fat...
Lou, did you see the new spot?
Yeah, I seen it.
Do I look fat in it?
You could lose
a couple of pounds.
I gotta get bigger actors.
Pocahontas, how are you?
Ophelia, hold some of my calls.
Yes, sir, Mr. Melon.
Good morning, everyone.
Morning.
Take it easy, will ya?
And don't get any on the walls.
OK, folks. What's up?
Mr. Melon,
we have a serious offer...
on your commercial property
in south Florida...
and we feel you should sell.
No. Hold it for one more year,
take the depreciation...
then transfer title
to the California Corporation.
Show it as a capital gain.
We should do great.
What else?
The toy division has come up
with a new doll idea...
to go along with our
children's clothing line.
We call them Melon Patch Kids.
Now, the competition
exploits the notion...
that their dolls are orphans.
The Melon Patch Kids
are not orphans.
They're abandoned.
We think it's a winner.
OK, go with it.
But keep the unit cost
under five bucks.
Last year, we took a bath
on those Chubby Tubby Tub toys.
- Jason's on the phone.
- Jason.
OK, everybody, take a break.
Excuse me, Mr. Melon,
but we have a very long agenda.
- Later. My son's on the phone.
- But, Mr. Melon!
Beat it, punk.
Jason, how are you?
How you doin'?
How's the diving going?
Oh, it's great.
We just finished up practice.
Oh, keep it up, keep it up!
And the fraternity...
I'll bet you're having fun
in the fraternity, huh?
What do you think?
Yeah, it's great.
Oh, that's great.
You're not doing too much,
are you? You studying?
Well, right now,
we're between semesters...
so classes don't start up
again for another week.
No classes? Then come home.
Tonight, your mother and I
are having a big party.
It's our fifth anniversary.
Whoa, Dad. She's not my mother,
she's your wife...
and I don't get the feeling
she wants me around.
OK, let's not start that again.
I'll tell you what.
I'll come up there to see you.
No. Bad. Bad idea.
I got this big dive meet
coming up.
I gotta practice. I wouldn't
have any time to see you.
- It's a rotten time.
- OK. I understand.
Look, Dad, I promise...
I'll come down for a visit
next break I get, OK?
All right?
Look, I gotta go, OK?
OK, Jason.
Take care of yourself.
I love you.
Yeah, I love you, too.
All right. Bye-bye.
Melon, I told you
to clean my locker.
If it's too much for you...
we'll get ourselves
a new towel boy.
Right. Look, I'm sorry, Chas.
I'll get on it as soon as I can.
Home sweet home.
- I liked the old house better.
- So did I.
I liked the old wife
better, too.
Lay off Vanessa.
She gives great headache.
Lou, I can't believe it.
Married five years.
Seems like yesterday.
And you know what a lousy day
yesterday was.
Please don't throw your clothes
on the Breuer chair.
How come all our furniture
has names?
I have absolutely
nothing to wear.
You got six closets
full of nothing to wear.
Are you saying
I spend too much money?
You, spend too much money? No.
Lots of people go to Switzerland
to get their watch fixed.
You have no taste, Thornton.
You're right.
I married you, didn't I?
I don't have time to argue.
Our friends will be here
any minute.
You mean your friends.
They are my friends,
and I'd like to keep them.
So please,
just behave yourself tonight.
Don't worry. If the roast beef
is right, they'll be back.
Jennifer, you look divine.
And, Peter, I thought
you were still in Portofino.
Why haven't you called?
- She's a lovely gal.
- Oh, yes, she is.
Oh, Ramon,
you look fantastic.
I thought you were still
in Tijuana.
- Excuse me, seor?
- Nothing. It's all right.
- Gimme a beer.
- I'm sorry, seor.
All we have is martinis
and champagne.
My own house,
I can't get a beer.
Mrs. Melon gave us
strict orders... no cerveza.
It's all right.
I'll get it myself.
Hey! Adam and evil.
Mr. Melon.
We was just...
Iooking for some
cocktail napkins.
Where? Under her dress?
You're impossible.
And you're easy.
I love Klimt, don't you?
Mr. Melon, your wife
was just showing us her Klimt.
You too, huh? She's showin' it
to everybody.
- She's very proud of it.
- I'm proud of mine, too.
I don't wave it around
at parties.
- It's an exceptional painting.
- Oh, the painting.
Yeah. Drink up,
enjoy yourself, huh?
I hate small food, you know?
Hey, buddy,
come here, will you?
Put your hand
right over there, will you?
I learned this in Europe.
Look out, coming through.
Hot stuff. Look out.
I'd like you to meet
Mr. And Mrs. Stuyvesant.
Right, right.
- How do you do?
- Thornton!
How you doin'?
Hi there, sir. How are you?
Never mind. I got my own here.
It's all right.
Millicent, you look charming.
I love your dress.
Don't you, Thornton?
It's such a lovely shade
of green.
Yeah. If that dress had pockets,
you'd look like a pool table.
You should try
my Tall and Fat stores.
No offense.
May I speak to you
privately, please?
Watch my sandwich, will you?
I can't take any more of this!
You've insulted our friends,
you've insulted me...
and you've gone out of your way
to ruin this party.
Party? Are you kiddin'?
It's a dog show out there.
Your friends, they come here
for free food, free booze...
and to suck up to you
for donations.
You have no class, Thornton,
and I am tired of it.
I want a divorce.
Divorce. I knew
we had something in common.
Here, sign these.
I'm afraid it's not gonna be
that easy, honey.
This is gonna cost you...
plenty!
Oh, yeah?
Let's talk about class
a minute, all right?
Here's you and Giorgio
in the guest room.
Classy, isn't it?
Here's you and Giorgio
in the rumpus room.
Another classy one, huh?
This one I can't figure out.
There's you, there's Giorgio...
what's with the midget
over here?
Hey, wait! I got more!
What happened in there?
What happened?
I got rid of Vanessa.
I feel like I just got paroled.
I'll tell you what bothers me...
I let her come
between me and Jason.
Lou, pack our bags.
We're going up to that college
to see my son!
Boy, will Jason be surprised.
Look, there's Greek letters.
That must be the house.
Is that an "amigo"
or a unicorn?
Beats me.
Don't you know any Greek?
The only Greek I know owns
a coffee shop on State Street.
Jimmy Pitsos, remember him?
He had an ugly wife...
four ugly kids,
and good coffee.
Wait here, I'll try this one.
Hello, hello!
Anybody here?
Jason, where are you?
Hey, I need some help here!
Buddy, I'm talking to you.
I need some help here!
Take it easy, honey!
I didn't see a thing.
You're perfect.
You jerk!
Perfectly understandable,
Mr. Melon.
It was an honest mistake.
Let's just call it a bad day.
Yeah, but a great view.
You're all right, officer.
Here, a little something
for the kids.
- Take that, it's OK.
- I don't have any kids.
No kids? Well, here,
get yourself some kids.
Take it all, all right?
And just remember...
the best thing about kids
is making 'em.
Even if I do manage
to graduate... ha ha...
what do I do then?
There's the private sector...
but look how bad
the job market is.
There's Valerie Desmond.
See you guys.
Look how tight
her ass is today.
Oh, man. You think
there's any way...
she would ever go out with me?
- No.
- Oh, thanks.
It's this whole stupid
capitalist system, you know?
It's set up to heap rewards...
on the advantaged
and the aggressive...
and to make sure
that two regular schmoes...
like you and me never get a date
with girls like Valerie Desmond.
I hate the whole bourgeois
mentality of this school.
Let me ask you
something else, man.
Do you make this bullshit up
as you go along...
- or do you actually read this?
- I read this. It's Karl Marx.
Famous book.
"Proletarian Chicks in Bondage."
It's a Condom House book.
Comes with a leather hood.
Is that the one
with the pictures?
- Can I borrow that?
- Let's move on.
Well, no, it's, you know...
Oh, yeah. Well, you know.
Dad, what are you doin' here?
I'm robbin' your room,
that's what I'm doin' here.
We drive 300 miles
to see the kid...
that's the greeting we get.
Come here, will ya?
How ya doin' there?
I'm sorry.
I'm really glad to see you...
but I wish
I knew you were coming.
I'll bet you did, huh?
I looked for you
at that fraternity house.
- They said you weren't a member.
- I can explain that.
They also told me
you're not on the diving team.
They said you were
the towel boy.
- I can explain that, too.
- OK, explain it.
- I lied.
- Great. That explains it, huh?
Jason, you don't lie to me.
You lie to girls.
Who's this?
Oh, I'm sorry.
This is my roommate.
That's Derek Lutz.
This is the dad,
and that's Lou.
- Is that your real hair?
- What do you think?
I think you're trying
to get back at your parents.
Show me the campus.
I want to talk to you.
Oh, good.
Boy, what a great-lookin' place.
When I used to dream
about going to college...
this is the way
I always pictured it.
Wait a minute. When did you
dream about going to college?
When I used to fall asleep
in high school.
Dad, I know how much
all this means to you...
- and I'm sorry I lied to you.
- You don't have to lie to me.
No matter what you do,
I'll love you just the same.
Will you love me
no matter what?
No matter what.
- I'm droppin' out.
- You're droppin' out?
You just got here.
You just started.
I know,
but I'm not making it here.
I don't fit in, you know?
I got one friend... Derek.
He's got no friends.
The girls don't like me,
the fraternities don't want me.
The diving coach
won't even talk to me.
Look at it this way...
at least you're getting
an education.
Dad, last semester
I got nothing but "Cs."
A, B, C...
you're in the top three.
What are you worrying about?
I just think I'd be
a lot better off...
gettin' a job or something.
You never went to college.
Look how great you're doin'.
Jason, I said it before
and I'll say it again.
I don't care how rich
and successful a man is.
Without an education,
he's nothing.
I mean, stay in school.
Study harder.
You can be whatever
you want to be.
You want to be a loser,
be a loser.
You want to be a winner,
be a winner.
Jason, it's up to you.
You can do it.
Remember, you're a Melon!
Dad, that's easy for you to say.
You don't have to do any of it.
OK, then.
I'll do it with you.
What do you mean,
you'll do it with me?
I mean just what I said.
I'm going to college.
What do you think?
What do I think?
I think you're nuts.
Nuts, huh? Who made the rules?
Come here. I'm going to college!
I'm going to college!
Let me get this straight,
Mr. Melon.
You wish to enter
this widely esteemed...
Grand Lakes University of ours
as a freshman?
That's right, Dean Martin.
- Are you comfortable?
- I'm fine, yeah.
Oh, the chair. I'm sorry.
This is an awkward moment
for me, Mr. Melon...
since I realize you're
a highly respected member...
of our business community.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Our student body here
is handpicked by me...
from the crme de la crme...
of students all across
this great land of ours.
That's one of the things
I like about this place.
Yes. The point is, though...
since you have
no high school diploma...
and no transcripts of any kind,
no S.A.T. Scores...
and you're 30 to 40 years older
than our average freshman...
how can this university
ever see its way clear...
to accept you as a student?
As Calvin Coolidge once said...
"The business of America
is business"...
and the business of
an educational institution...
such as ours
is to create young minds...
that understand that
the business of America...
is the kind of business
that it actually is.
So, whatever it is that
I have said here today...
the point is
that we are here to honor...
our most generous benefactor...
and newest freshman...
the man who's
made it possible...
for us to break ground
here today...
Mr. Thornton Melon.
Dean Martin, great speech.
There's nothing like good,
clean business, huh?
And a little monkey business.
Oh, Philip. I'm so glad
you could make it.
Mr. Melon, I'd like for you
to meet Dr. Philip Barbay...
who's the dean
of our school of business.
David, I just want
to get it on record...
that I am totally against this.
I don't think
that selling admission...
to an obviously
unqualified student...
is very ethical or honorable.
Right, Phil,
but I'd just like to say...
in all fairness
to Mr. Melon here...
it was a really big check.
It's a simple matter
of this man's presence...
undermining the efforts
of our legitimate students...
who are here as a result
of hard work.
Hard work?
Listen, Sherlock, while you were
tucked away up here...
working on your ethics,
I was out there...
busting my hump
in the real world.
And the reason guys like you
got a place to teach...
is 'cause guys like me
donate buildings.
I wasn't speaking to you,
Mr. Melon.
I don't think
Dr. Barbay understands...
the actual amounts
that are involved here.
Mr. Melon, will you take
the ceremonial shovel?
Thank you.
And dig into the symbolic dirt.
I hereby dedicate
this building to... myself.
Now, Dad, it's just like
we talked about.
You sign up for whatever
interests you, OK?
We're gonna get
on the astronomy line...
before it closes up.
See you later.
Look at this.
This is worse than the track.
You want me to move
some people for you?
No, don't push anybody around.
This is college.
Let me think for a minute.
What are you gonna do?
Come on. I got an idea.
Did you get
everything you want?
I got the Latin
and the Sanskrit...
but then they canceled
my Ancient Greek.
Just blew my whole
dead languages motif.
What are you looking at?
You OK?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm just upset
because they closed botany.
Those bastards!
Well, I'm not that upset.
At least, I won't be
if I get into astronomy.
You want to cut
into line with us?
'Cause we're already waiting.
Yes. Yeah, I would.
Great. All right.
Oh, this is Derek.
Hi.
I'm Valerie Desmond.
Yeah, I know.
- I'm Jason Melon.
- Hi.
- Hey, Valerie.
- Hi.
God, you look great.
Thanks. Are you taking
astronomy, too?
Yeah, I guess so.
I don't really want to.
I'm a business major.
But for some reason,
they want us to take a science.
You mind if I sneak
in the line with you?
Actually, these guys were
nice enough to let me in...
so it's really
up to them, I guess.
Melon, buddy?
Whaddaya say? Let me in, OK?
I don't think so, Osbourne.
Melon, your friend...
straighten him out.
Look, Chas,
there's a lot of people waiting.
It wouldn't really be fair.
I'll tell you what.
Maybe if you got a note
from each of these people...
saying that it was all right,
then we'd reconsider...
but until that day,
take a hike...
you elitist fraternity scumbag.
I won't forget this, Melon.
I'll see you at the pool.
- Bye, Val.
- Bye.
Thank you. I'm dead.
You're not gonna believe this!
- You're kidding!
- I'm not kidding! Just go!
He's out there!
Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce!
Where is he?
I don't know, kid.
All I know is I'm supposed
to pick him up here.
- When?
- Now.
Come on, let's register.
Hey, you guys
get everything you need?
Oh, yeah, we got it.
Good. What's with
the used books?
- What's wrong with used books?
- They've already been read.
And they've already been
underlined.
That's the problem.
The guy who underlined them
could have been a maniac.
Get these guys some new books.
Charge it to me, too.
Here, pick a card.
And I'm taking four
of those school sweaters...
a bunch of pennants,
some of those beer mugs...
a few of these fuzz balls
you cheer with, and...
Hey, folks, it's on me!
Shakespeare for everyone, OK?
You, too, honey.
I'd like to tame your shrew.
- Who is that?
- That is Mr. Thornton Melon...
the world's oldest
living freshman...
and the walking epitome of
the decline of modern education.
The stupid clod thinks he can
buy his way out of the gutter.
I don't think so.
He was just having fun.
Oh, really? Well, I can't wait
to get him in my class.
We'll see how much fun
he is then.
Oh, Philip.
Hey, Mr. M! You're all set.
We've been working all night.
We got it all done.
Thanks, Buzzy.
I appreciate it.
Add a few hundred to the bill
and throw your boys a party.
You know what you got, Mr. M?
You got class.
It rubbed off from you, Buzzy.
Say hello to Sonia for me, huh?
You got it.
I want to talk to you
about my schedule.
We'll go over it later.
Well, boys,
what do you think?
Got a hot tub in there!
How can you study
if you're not relaxed?
When's our first class?
We got economics
tomorrow at 11:00.
I got a massage at 11:00.
Tell them to make it 2:00.
No, Dad, you don't get it.
They're not gonna reschedule
the classes around your massage.
All right, 11:00.
But I'm gonna talk to that dean.
These classes can be
a real inconvenience.
All right, settle down, people.
We've got a lot to cover,
and time is short.
There are two kinds of people
in business today...
the quick and the dead.
So, rather than waste
your time this semester...
with a lot of
useless theories...
we're going to jump right in
with both feet...
and create a fictional company
from the ground up.
We'll construct
our physical plant...
we'll set up
an efficient administrative...
and executive structure...
then we'll manufacture
our product and market it.
I think you'll find it very
interesting and a lot of fun.
So, let's start by looking
at construction costs...
of our new factory.
What's the product?
That is immaterial...
for the purposes
of our discussion here...
but if it makes you happy...
let's say we're making
tape recorders.
Tape recorders?
Are you kiddin'?
The Japs will kill us
on the labor costs.
OK, fine.
Then let's just say
they're widgets.
What's a widget?
It's a fictional product.
It doesn't matter.
Doesn't matter.
Tell that to the bank.
Take it easy.
It's the first day.
On the board,
you will see a cost analysis...
for construction of
a 30,000 square-foot facility...
which will encompass
both factory and office space...
and is fully serviced
by all utilities...
a railroad spur line
and a four-bay shipping dock.
Hold it, hold it. Why build?
You're better off leasing...
at a buck and a quarter,
a buck and a half a square foot.
Take your down payment
and put it into CDs...
or something else you can roll
over every couple of months.
Thank you, Mr. Melon...
but we'll be concentrating
on finance...
a little later in the term.
For the time being,
let's just concentrate...
on the construction figures,
shall we?
You'll see the final bottom line
requires the factoring in...
of not just the material
and construction costs...
but also the architects' fees
and the cost of land servicing.
Oh, you left out
a bunch of stuff.
Oh, really?
Like what, for instance?
First of all, you have to grease
the local politicians...
for the sudden zoning problems
that always come up.
Then there's the kickbacks
to the carpenters.
And if you plan on using
any cement in this building...
I'm sure the teamsters
would like to have...
a little chat with you,
and that'll cost you.
Don't forget a little something
for the building inspectors.
There's the long-term costs,
such as waste disposal.
I don't know if you're familiar
with who runs that business...
but I assure you
it's not the boy scouts.
That will be quite enough,
Mr. Melon.
Maybe bribes and kickbacks...
and Mafia payoffs
are how you do business...
but they are not part of
the legitimate business world...
and they're certainly
not part of anything...
I'm teaching in this class.
Do I make myself clear?
Sorry. Just trying to help.
That's all.
Now, notwithstanding
Mr. Melon's input...
the next question for us is
where to build our factory.
How about Fantasyland?
My first class.
I did good, huh?
You better cool it
with Dr. Barbay.
Dr. Barbay, he don't know dick.
He really tells it
like it ain't.
Know what he knows how to do?
Flunk you.
Flunk me? Flunk him.
Great attitude. Do you know
where your next class is?
Contemporary American history.
Professor Turgeson.
- Turgeson?
- You know him? Is he good?
Well, he's really committed.
In fact, I think he was.
Just keep your head down...
and your mouth shut.
You should be all right.
- I'll see you in English.
- All right.
Welcome to Contemporary
American history.
I'm Professor Turgeson.
I know a lot of people
think history is just facts...
just information about the past,
but not me.
I hold history
very sacred. Sacred.
The way a farmer looks at
the Earth and holds it sacred.
The way a Christian
takes the Bible...
and he holds it sacred.
The way a lot of people
hold their marriage sacred.
That's how I feel about it.
So why don't we dive right in...
by interpreting
one of the easiest events...
in the last twenty years
of American history.
Now, can someone tell me...
why, in 1975, we pulled
our troops out of Vietnam?
The failure of Vietnamization
to win popular support...
caused an ongoing erosion
of confidence...
in the various American...
but illegal... Saigon regimes.
Is she right?
'Cause I know
that's the popular version...
of what went on there.
I know a lot of people
like to believe that.
I wish I could,
but I was there.
I wasn't here in a classroom...
hoping I was right,
thinking about it.
I was up to my knees
in rice paddies...
with guns that didn't work,
going up against Charlie...
slugging it out with him,
while pussies like you...
were back here partyin',
puttin' headbands on...
doin' drugs, listening
to the goddamn Beatle albums!
Hey, Professor,
take it easy, will ya?
These kids were in grade school
at the time.
And me...
I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover.
Well, I didn't know you wanted
to get involved...
with the discussion,
Mr. Helper.
But since you want to help,
maybe you can help me, OK?
You remember that thing
we had about thirty years ago...
called the Korean conflict?
Yeah. Where we failed
to achieve victory.
How come we didn't cross
the 38th parallel...
and push those rice-eaters back
to the Great Wall of China...
and take it apart
brick by brick...
and nuke them back into
the fuckin' stone age forever?
How come? Tell me?
Why? Say it! Say it!
All right, I'll say it.
'Cause Truman was too much
of a pussy wimp...
to let MacArthur go in and blow
out those commie bastards!
Good answer. Good answer.
I like the way you think.
I'm gonna be watching you.
Good teacher.
He really seems to care.
About what, I have no idea.
College is all right,
I'll tell you that.
Hey, buddy, be my guest.
Here's a pen.
Boys, here's a couple of pens,
in case you learn how to write.
- I know you.
- Oh, yeah? Here's a pen.
You do those
obnoxious commercials.
You're tall and fat.
Yeah, you're short and ugly.
Give me the pen back, will ya?
Honey, here's a pen.
Boys, how are ya?
"And Gibraltar is a girl...
"where I was a flower
of the mountain.
"Yes, when I put
the rose in my hair...
"like the
Andalusian girls used.
"Or shall I wear red?
"Yes. And how he kissed me
under the Moorish wall...
"and I thought...
"well, as well him as another.
"And then I ask him
with my eyes to ask again.
"Yes. And then he asked me
would I yes to say yes.
"My mountain flower.
"And first I put my arms
around him, yes...
"and drew him down to me...
"so he could feel my breasts
all perfumed, yes...
"and his heart was going
like mad, and yes...
"I said, yes, I will, yes."
Yes! Yes!
Thanks for the vote
of confidence.
I think Joyce
is pretty hot, too.
And now that
I've got your attention...
I'd like to run down
the reading list...
for the semester.
See what else turns you on.
What a woman.
Dad, she is the teacher.
I know. I like teachers.
If you do something wrong,
they make you do it over again.
Don't you think maybe
you should just take some notes?
Yeah, yeah.
I gave away all my pens.
I'm sorry. I need this back.
Here's a calendar for you.
Oh, hiya.
Hello, Mr. Melon.
You waiting for me?
Yes, I was. Look,
I know I'm only a freshman...
but what do you say
you and I have dinner tonight?
We could talk about Joyce.
She's my favorite writer.
You're not the usual freshman,
but I'm sorry, I can't.
The thing is,
I'm sort of going with someone.
Oh. Where you going?
That's a good question.
Actually, I'd like to join you,
but I have class tonight.
- How about tomorrow night?
- I have class then, too.
I'll tell you what, then.
Why don't you call me
when you have no class?
All right. Maybe I will.
Hello, Philip.
What did he want?
Oh, what do all men want?
He wants you to dress up
as Wonder Woman...
tie him up with a golden lariat
and force him to tell the truth?
No, just dinner, Philip.
Are you jealous
of Thornton Melon?
Certainly not.
I've been doing a great deal
of thinking lately.
I've been thinking about us.
- And?
- And I think...
we should start thinking
about forming a...
well, um...
A merger?
A merger, exactly.
Exactly, a merger.
A partnership.
Seriously, Diane...
we're both intelligent,
well-educated adults.
We should be together.
Incorporated, if you will.
Look at the balance sheet.
We were made for one another.
Oh, Philip, you darling.
I don't want to be merged
or incorporated.
I want to have fun
and be romanced and be loved.
So let's not rush
into anything.
Let's just start
by having fun, OK?
Hey, how are you?
What's happening?
Hi!
A lot of people are talking
about your dad, man.
What's happening?
Hey, boys, how ya doin'?
I wonder why.
They have lockers.
You could've changed here.
I don't change
in front of guys.
Next thing you know, you're
showering with the fellas.
And the next thing you know...
you're pinned to a sophomore
named Chip.
Come on, let's go, huh?
I'll see you later.
That was pretty good.
Next time, hold the pike
a little longer.
Wait a minute.
I'll be right down.
Not bad.
All right, let's see one more.
Like I showed you.
All right.
What's a guy your age
doing here with these kids?
I'm lookin' for the fountain
of middle age.
What's your story?
I'm setting the new record for
the most consecutive losses...
by a diving coach
in this conference.
Hey, remember,
hold that pike longer.
- That your kid?
- Yeah.
Who coached him in high school?
Yours truly.
So, where did you learn
how to dive?
Atlantic City. The Steel Pier.
I was in the water show.
I used to open
for the diving horse.
You're kiddin'.
I'm from Jersey.
I practically spent
my entire life on that pier.
There was a guy,
did the most amazing dive...
called the Triple Lindy.
Hardest dive
I ever saw in my life.
- Who was that guy?
- Yours truly.
You're kiddin'.
I don't joke about dives.
Especially that one.
It almost killed me.
Boy, you were somethin' else.
Hey, can your kid do that dive?
Nah, nobody can.
It's too dangerous.
You know, he tried out
for the team last semester.
He didn't do that good.
Not that good, huh? Watch this.
Jason, do the two and a half!
Not bad.
My main Melon.
Come on, man...
there's a pep rally
for the football team.
- Let's go. We're there.
- Whoa, wait. What is this?
Me and Standish and Redding
are doing the anti-pep rally...
to point out that a violent
ground acquisition game...
such as football is, in fact...
a crypto-fascist metaphor
for nuclear war.
It sounds like
a lot of laughs...
but I'm supposed
to meet my dad and study.
He's supposed
to be here already.
OK, well...
if you change your mind, pal,
you know where I'll be.
If I change my mind,
I'll seek psychiatric help.
Excuse me.
What is the Oort system
and what does it tell us?
What? I'm sorry.
Astronomy, chapter two.
Oh, Oort, Oort.
Oort was this scientist,
and he figured out...
that the smeared-out density
of matter can be no greater...
than the solar mass
per cubic parsec.
You look thrilled.
It's not my theory.
Thanks, that helps a lot.
Listen, I was
just wondering...
would you do
my astronomy homework...
for the rest of the semester?
- Here you go.
- OK, right.
Hi, Mr. Melon.
Oh, you can call me Thornton.
Say, how about joining me
and my friend over there?
Your friend looks
a little strange.
Who, Lou? Lou's an animal.
Why, in his family...
he's only the second generation
that's standing up straight.
What lovely girls.
How would you like a life
of luxury and deceit?
Come on, join us in a beer. OK?
- Yeah, OK.
- OK.
Girls, this is Lou.
Lou, these are girls.
One, two.
One, two.
Shake it up, baby
Twist and shout
Come on, come on, come on, baby
Come and work it on out
Work it on out, honey
Honey, come here. I need
and also,
bring a pitcher of beer...
every seven minutes
till somebody passes out.
And then bring one
every ten minutes.
You got it. Anyway...
I thought we were gonna go...
to the planetarium
and look at a lot of stars.
I had no idea this was
gonna be astrophysics.
It's not that hard.
You'll get it.
It's not hard for you,
because you're smart.
You're smart, too.
Yeah, but you're, like,
"smart" smart.
Do you study at the library
every night?
No. I was gonna meet
my dad there...
but he must be studying
at the dorm.
Shake it up, baby
Twist and shout
Come on, come on, come on, baby
Come on and work it on out
You know you twist it,
little girl
Lower, baby, lower.
Hey, guys,
let me see some I.D.
Not that low, baby.
Come on and twist a little
closer now
To the left, baby, to the left.
And let me know you're mine
That's the spot, baby.
Hold it, hold it!
Oh, you are there!
Shake it, baby
Shake it, shake it, baby
Come on and shake it,
shake it, shake it, baby
- Shake it now
- Shake it
OK, go ahead.
Jason, what are you doing here?
What am I doing here?
What are you doing here?
We were supposed to study,
remember, in the library?
The library.
I was supposed to be there.
Hey, what's going on?
Chas, check it out.
Hey, Clark.
Interesting little rally
you guys had tonight.
Yeah, right. They got paint
all over my girlfriend.
I'm gonna kill
them little pinheads.
Yeah? Well, you came
to the right place...
because guess who's here...
Derek Lutz.
Hey, Lutz!
You know who I am?
Let me see...
protruding
supra-orbital ridges...
small cranium,
Neanderthal man.
You... I want you
to call his mother.
You tell her
he's never coming home.
Whoa, hold it. You sure
you even got the right guy?
Look how many people
got blue hair these days.
Shut up, meathead.
Take it easy, will ya?
I mean, the war's over.
Get new parts for your head.
Yeah? Want to make
something of it?
Oh, no. I never get physical.
I just get upset...
and when I get upset,
he gets physical.
You got a problem?
No, I haven't got a problem.
Now you do.
Get him!
Lou, where you been?
I'm getting my ass kicked
all over the place!
- Well, you look terrible.
- No, I'm all right.
It's Lou I'm worried about.
He may lose his trigger finger.
It serves you guys right.
Why did you have to take on
the whole football team?
They're not that tough.
The football team
at my high school was tough.
After they sacked
the quarterback...
they went after his family.
This morning we're going to look
at "The Great Gatsby"...
by F. Scott Fitzgerald.
Mr. Melon, how would you
characterize "The Great Gatsby?"
Who, him?
No, you.
Me.
Well, "The Great Gatsby,"
he was...
great.
See me after class, Mr. Melon.
I mean, please,
try to understand.
I don't have
the background for this.
The high school I went to...
they asked a kid to prove
the law of gravity.
He threw the teacher
out the window.
I know what I need.
I need a tutor.
What do you say? Come on.
You got some spare time.
All right, Mr. Melon.
I have some spare time
this evening.
Why don't you come around
about 7:00?
- Great.
- I'll give you my address.
- Thanks.
- Please be on time.
I'll be on time.
What penmanship.
"Everywhere the ceremony
of innocence is drowned;
"The best
lack all conviction...
"while the worst are full
of passionate intensity."
There's a lot
of other stuff here.
Yeats goes on and on...
and here's the finish.
"What rough beast,
its hour come round at last...
"slouches towards Bethlehem
to be born?"
What does that
make you think of?
Rough beast. My ex-wife.
Well, that's
one interpretation.
Not the right one,
but it's a start.
Surely a man of your age
and experience...
must have read some
of the things on my list.
- What about "Macbeth"?
- I saw the movie.
Orson Welles.
Great actor, big actor.
He was a Tall and Fat
customer for years.
How about
"Cat on a Hot Tin Roof"?
I saw the movie. Burl lves.
Great actor, extra stout.
He was a customer, too.
- "Streetcar Named Desire."
- Great movie. Marlon Brando.
He wasn't that big then,
but he ballooned up nicely.
I'd say pound for pound,
our finest American actor.
Don't you ever read?
Who has time? I see the movie.
I'm in and out in two hours.
Oh, Thornton, don't you see?
The reason you want
to read these works...
is so you can experience them
for yourself...
so you can share the thoughts
and feelings of the writer...
without the interference
of your actor and director...
and professor's point of view
getting in the way...
to truly share
and understand...
the common feelings
of all mankind...
the feelings of being alive.
That was beautiful.
I understand
what you're saying, too.
I'm glad.
That makes me feel good.
I got an idea.
Let's keep talking over dinner.
I'm supposed to meet
someone for dinner.
I could cancel,
though, I guess.
We are working, after all.
You can't work
on an empty stomach.
You can't concentrate
when you're hungry.
Oh, I don't know.
I really shouldn't.
- I have so many things to do.
- Oh, come on. I'll help you.
I'll take out the garbage.
I'll do the dishes.
I'll do your nails.
I'll do your hair.
You have no idea
what I want to do.
- I'll call him.
- I'll dial it!
I'll just get the light.
I think I'm attracted
to teachers.
I took out an English teacher.
That didn't work out at all.
I sent her a love letter.
She corrected it.
Oh, great. Company.
- Those two ought to get a room.
- Really.
Actually,
I was married twice.
My first wife, Jason's mother,
I really loved her.
We had a good thing going,
you know?
She passed away
about ten years ago.
After that, I screwed around
for a few years.
Then I really went nuts...
I married Vanessa.
I was just lonely, I guess.
Is that over now?
We were doomed from the start.
I'm an earth sign,
she's a water sign.
Together, we made mud.
I picked a beauty.
And she played around, too.
When she said, "I do,"
I should have said, "With who?"
So, are you
giving up on women?
I don't know.
I can't figure women out.
Today, they're independent.
They only think
about themselves.
During sex, Vanessa used
to scream out her own name.
I think it's the men
who are different.
Ever since
the women's movement...
most of the men I meet
go out of their way...
to show you
how sensitive they are.
Before they were too macho,
and now they're too soft.
You all want us to know
you can cry.
No, with women,
I never cry. Never.
I beg.
If we finish
this bottle of wine...
you won't have to beg.
Diane!
Oh, Philip.
We were supposed
to go to dinner.
I just had dinner!
I don't believe this.
Maybe it's a dream.
Good night, Philip.
You do a good job.
What do you charge
for big cars?
I had a lot of fun, Thornton.
Me, too.
And thanks for the lesson.
I learned a lot.
You're welcome. I did, too.
Well...
Well, I guess
this is good night.
Yeah.
A very good night.
Beautiful.
Oh, that's it.
That's the spot.
Just keep doing that.
Oh, don't lose it.
Oh, Lou, you're great.
The leg is better.
You got the cramp out.
You're a wreck.
You gotta start working out.
And you know what else?
You have got midterms
coming up.
You haven't studied five minutes
since you got here.
You're always so neat.
You're just like
your Uncle Vito.
We were kids,
his room was always in order.
His towels lined up neatly...
combs, brushes, hair lotions
all in the right place.
What did it mean?
What is he today?
He's an attendant
in the men's room.
Hey, he's my idol.
But I'm not gonna be
folding towels anymore...
'cause I just made...
ta da... the diving team.
That's great!
I'm takin' you out.
We'll celebrate.
We're havin' a party!
Oh, no, Dad, that's really nice,
but I'm in training now.
We got a big meet coming up
against Northern.
We'll have a party
after the meet.
Dad, why don't you join me
on a little reality break, OK?
Just 'cause you're in love
with Dr. Turner...
does not mean you're
gonna pass her course.
You got a major paper
coming up on Kurt Vonnegut.
You haven't even read
any of the books.
I tried.
I don't understand
a word of it.
So, how you gonna
write the paper, then?
Hi, I'm Kurt Vonnegut.
I'm looking for Thornton Melon.
Want to come in? Dad?
I don't want to hear
one more word out of you...
or it's back to the tree.
Come in.
Excuse me. Dr. Barazini?
I'm Thornton Melon.
Oh, yes, Thornton Melon.
I know you.
You delivered the paper
on isomagnetic brain waves...
in Montreal last year.
No, I sold you your pants.
Oh, of course.
Good to see you.
What are you doing here?
I'm supposed to report here
for my lab project.
Oh, good. I'm trying to teach
these here apes...
how to read and write.
You ought to teach them
how to go to the bathroom.
You'll get used to that.
Now, all you have to do
is put a new tape...
in the tape machine every hour
and observe the animals.
I'll be back in a few hours
to check on you.
- OK, fine.
- All righty.
You don't need this.
I'll find you an organ grinder.
Hiya, Marge?
A few things.
I need you and the gang to get
down here as fast as you can.
And I have to talk to Peterson,
the accountant.
I'm gonna need him, too.
Oh, thanks.
And, Marge, I need...
See if you can get somebody
at the Rand Corporation...
or the Brookings Institute to
come down here for about a week.
What?
And Russell hits him
with a powerful front body slam!
No problem.
They're takin' a break,
that's all.
In 1971, the United States
accumulated deficits...
greater than the supply
of gold the country held.
In that year, Richard Nixon...
took the United States
off the gold standard.
In doing so, he disrupted...
the entire international
monetary system.
What is that clicking noise?
Are you a student
in this class?
No.
Who are you?
I'm Marge Sweetwater...
Mr. Thornton Melon's
private secretary.
What are you doing here?
I'm taking notes for Mr. Melon.
He told you to write down
everything I say?
Yes, he did.
Good.
Take this down.
Mr. Melon,
no matter what you do...
no matter what stunts
you pull...
no matter how hard you try...
you will never, ever
pass this course.
Make sure he gets that.
Yes, sir.
I'll tell you what.
It's for Barbay.
Make it an "A."
Where's the lab report
on psychology?
Here.
It's too light.
It feels like a "C."
Bulk it up and add a few
multicolored graphs.
- Yo, Dad.
- Jason, hold it, will ya?
Listen, everybody.
Let's see "As" across the board.
I'll tell you what...
a ten percent bonus
for every grade over "B."
And an A+ gets you a free trip
to Hawaii... off-season.
- Dad, what's going on here?
- I'm doing my homework.
No, they're doing
your homework.
A good executive knows how
to delegate authority.
I took care of you, too.
- And what's this?
- Your astronomy report.
- What's wrong with you?
- What's wrong with you?
I want to write that paper.
I'm gonna write that paper.
That's why I'm taking astronomy,
to learn something!
You're never gonna learn
a goddamn thing...
if you got people
doing your work for you!
Oh, never mind.
Kids... they always do things
the hard way.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the visiting team...
the Northern University
Wildcats!
And your Grand Lakes
University Hooters!
- Hey, there's your boy!
- Jason!
While the teams are warming up,
we'd like to remind you...
that all proceeds
from the refreshment stands...
go to your student government.
Hey, Valerie. How you doin'?
Glad you could come. Listen.
My dad is having a party
tonight at the dorm...
and it should be pretty great.
His parties usually are.
I'd love to come,
except for I have a date.
Oh. Well, hey, bring him along.
It's OK.
You just both come by.
I'll really try.
Good. I hope
I'll see you there.
It sounds like fun. I wish
my dad were more like yours.
Hey, Chas.
Good luck, buddy.
Let's get them.
Yeah. Thanks, Melon.
I'd wish you luck, too...
but I guess a guy like you
doesn't need luck.
What's that supposed to mean?
With your old man behind you...
I figured since he bought
your way onto the team...
he probably bought off
the judges, too.
Oh, there's Thornton.
Diane!
I can't imagine what you can
possibly see in that man.
Philip, would you excuse me
for a minute?
Yes, yes.
- You look great.
- Oh, thanks.
Where you been?
I called you a hundred times.
I made four dates
with your answering machine.
I'm sorry I missed you.
Things have been so hectic.
I've been reading midterm papers
and grading exams.
Did you read mine yet?
Not yet,
but I'm looking forward to it.
I'm throwing a party
in our room tonight...
and you better be there.
I'm sorry. I have a date
with Philip tonight.
Bring him along.
We may run out of ice.
First diver
for Grand Lakes University...
Chas Osbourne.
Hey, Coach! How are ya?
How you doin', huh?
Next diver for Grand Lakes...
Jason Melon.
Melon.
What's going on?
This is always
the best party of the year.
I don't know.
Some big event at the dorms.
- We're thinkin' of going over.
- To Melon's? Are you nuts?
Why don't we go?
Valerie, please.
It'll be horrible.
Jason said it would be great.
It might be fun.
Jason's a twerp. We could have
won if it weren't for him.
Haven't you ever messed up?
No.
I'm all dressed up
with nowhere to go
Hey, baby!
Walking with a dead man
over my shoulder
I'm all dressed up
with nowhere to go
I love three girls at once.
If I fall asleep,
they have each other to talk to.
Nice look.
What are you going for?
The heavy, disassociated
artist thing...
or the "I'm going blind" thing?
Oh, It's the deaf thing.
Maybe this will cheer you up.
Oh, do me!
Derek! Get up, will ya?
You look like the poster boy
for birth control.
Jason, it's a party.
What's your story?
What's the matter?
The swim meet?
Forget about it. It's history.
Come on, will ya? Snap into it!
You're right, Dad.
It doesn't matter, Dad!
Right, Dad?
Come on, party, right?
Hey, buddy!
Everybody, make some noise,
have some fun!
What's that noise?
It's a party, Philip.
Midterms, remember?
They're just blowing off steam.
You there.
What's going on here?
The Melon man is throwing
the greatest party of all time!
The whole world is there.
It's the best thing...
that's ever happened to me
in my whole life!
Oh, God.
Look at that!
Listen to that racket.
This is disgraceful.
I should phone security.
Oh, Philip.
Good. Apparently I'm not
the only one around here...
with a sense of decency.
Yeah. Cool!
Did you see...
where are you going?
Intellectual curiosity, Philip.
Sounds fun in there.
Come with me.
- Oh, please!
- Oh, Philip!
It's a dead man's party
Who could ask for more
Everybody's coming
Leave your body
at the door
Leave your body and soul
at the door
Don't run away
It's only me
Don't run away
It's only me, only me
Don't be afraid
Of what you can't see
Say when.
Right after this drink.
Hey, what's a bath
without Bubbles?
Hey, Bubbles,
come over here, will ya?
Well!
- Hi there.
- Hi!
- What's your favorite subject?
- Poetry.
Really? Maybe you can help me
straighten out my Longfellow.
Excuse me.
Have you seen Thornton Melon?
I think he's in there.
Thanks.
Excuse me.
Has anyone seen Thornton Melon?
That's what I call
marine biology.
Diane!
Say hello to my nieces.
Wait a minute!
Jason? There you are.
I was looking all over for you.
Jason, are you OK?
I'm sorry about the swim meet.
Shit. Swim meet.
Jesus, you think I care
about the swim meet?
I mean, it's just
a stupid college game.
It's just bullshit.
Why are you acting like this?
I know you don't think
like that.
Oh, you do?
Grow up, Valerie.
You think this is real?
This isn't real.
College is a dream world.
This is something you do
to pass the time...
till you go out in the real
world and start buying people.
Let's go for a walk
and talk this out.
There you are.
Can we go? I'm bored.
Oh, Christ, Osbourne...
will you just get
your ass outta here?
What a surprise.
Another shit-faced Melon.
Do I gotta knock your teeth
down your throat?
Easy. Your father isn't here
to back you up this time.
Don't!
Are you OK?
Jason! I was lookin' for ya.
Hey, come here. Where ya goin'?
Where am I going?
I'm leaving school, Dad.
One of us has gotta go.
You're having such a great time.
I'm getting out.
Why? I don't get it.
Because you didn't win
the diving meet?
No, not because I didn't win!
Because I shouldn't
even have been there.
Chas told me
you bribed the coach...
to put me on the team.
Real good!
What? And you believed him.
I never lied to you in my life.
I didn't bribe the coach.
You were on the team
because you deserve it.
You made it on your own.
Dad, you don't get it.
Everything I have
is because of you...
and because of you...
I get my astronomy homework
done for me by NASA.
I just want the best for you.
That's all I ever wanted.
I did it all for you.
I know, but you don't know
when to quit.
I know you came here to help me,
and I really appreciate it...
and it's really sweet,
and it's really not working.
Can't you let me just do
something for myself?
I just want to see you happy.
Well, take a good look!
'Cause I was a lot happier
when I was miserable.
I enjoyed reading that, Susan.
It's a nice improvement.
Thank you.
Diane, why'd you fail me?
I didn't, Thornton.
You failed me.
- Is it because of last night?
- No. I can accept the fact...
that you're completely
regressed emotionally...
but you won't pass my course by
turning in someone else's work.
What do you think,
someone else wrote this?
All I know is that you didn't.
That's what disappoints me.
Whoever did write it...
doesn't know the first thing
about Kurt Vonnegut.
And another thing, Vonnegut.
I'm going to stop payment
on the check.
What's that? Fuck me?
Kurt, do you read lips?
Fuck you!
Next time
I'll call Robert Ludlum.
Derek, have you seen Jason?
I think he's on
a three-state killing spree.
Here's some more
potentially bad news.
Dean Martin wants to see you
in his office right away.
Dean Martin.
And she said, "Let's do it.
The room's already paid for."
Oh, golly.
I'm afraid we have...
a potentially unpleasant
situation on our hands here.
Phil, would you repeat
to Mr. Melon...
the allegations
that you've made to me?
It's clear the work you've
handed in is not your own.
I'm accusing you
of academic fraud.
Fraud is such an ugly word...
considering
the financial generosity...
that Mr. Melon has shown
towards our fine university.
I think Mr. Melon
should be expelled.
What are you going
to do about it?
Well, Thornton...
I'm only going
to ask you this one time.
Is the work that
you turned in your own?
I can't lie to you,
Dean Martin.
Yes, it is.
I'm satisfied.
- Phil?
- I'm outraged.
Gee whiz, Phil!
I just asked the man...
if the work was his,
and he said yes.
What do you want me to do,
torture him?
I suggest a comprehensive
oral examination...
conducted by all of
Mr. Melon's professors.
Oral examination?
Yes. If you've done the work
you say you have...
there should be no problem,
should there?
Hey, Jase.
Hey, Lou. How you doin'?
Come here.
I want to tell you something.
What?
You were pretty hard
on your father last night.
I know, but the guy
doesn't understand.
I know your pop thirty years.
He understands.
He's a nice guy,
and he's tough.
Like me.
I'm nice, and I'm tough.
I'll give you an idea
what I mean.
My two boys... I put one
through college...
and the other
I put through a wall.
Your papa loves you.
He's lookin' out for ya.
Look out for him.
What's goin' on?
I'm leavin'. I'm sorry, Jason.
This college thing
was a big mistake.
- So you're gonna give up?
- I can't win.
They want me to take oral exams
in all my subjects.
If I don't take them,
they'll kick me out.
And if I take 'em,
who knows where they'll kick me.
Hey, Dad, you remember
what you told me...
when I told you
I wanted to quit?
You told me that a man
without an education is nothing.
I can't do it.
You can do anything
you want to do.
You can do anything
you want in life.
Remember, you're a Melon.
Don't quit. I'll help you.
Before we begin...
I would just like to thank
each and every professor here...
for taking time out of
his/her extremely busy schedule.
And a special thanks, of course,
to Mr. Thornton Melon...
who I don't have to remind
anyone is the donor...
of our new
Melon School of Business.
We're wasting time.
Sorry, Phil.
Now, Mr. Melon,
you'll have three hours...
to complete the examination.
If you fail any part of it,
you will be expelled.
Mr. Melon, do you understand?
- The Council of Trent.
- Excuse me?
I missed the question.
We haven't begun yet.
Well, Dr. Barbay,
I suppose you're up first.
I have only one question
for Mr. Melon...
in 27 parts.
I'd like to break him
in 27 parts.
Excuse me?
No, nothin', nothin'.
Discuss the foundations of
modern global business systems.
Part one: Define
and differentiate...
the three economic
philosophies...
of capitalism, socialism
and communism...
as pertains to:
A... management fundamentals;
B... organizing and staffing;
C... labor management;
and D... production
and operations.
Part two...
Are you getting
all this, Mr. Melon?
Yeah. It's a piece o' cake.
Jason?
Valerie.
I wanted to apologize
for the other night...
my behavior
and the things I said.
And to thank you...
for your behavior
and the things you said.
I'm really sorry.
And I'm really
in love with you...
and I really have been
for a very long time.
And I can't believe
I'm saying this.
I don't want
to embarrass you...
or make you feel
uncomfortable with me...
but...
I've been needing to tell you
this for a very long time.
Are you aware that
that's the most...
you've ever said to me
at one time?
Except, of course, for the time
that you were ravingly drunk.
I love you, too.
In response
to Roman numeral 27...
section three, part two...
of subset D...
of the question...
the answer is...
Mr. Melon?
Mr. Melon?
Hey, relax. This man's been put
under a lot of pressure.
Let's take it easy on him.
Say it! Say it!
The answer is... four?
Right.
Dr. Turner?
Hold it. That's it.
I can't take it no more.
I feel like I just gave birth
to an accountant.
Wait a minute, Thornton.
Thornton, do you remember
when we discussed...
the Dylan Thomas poem...
"Do Not Go Gentle
Into That Good Night"?
I don't know.
No. Maybe.
Thornton, think.
What's going on here?
Philip, relax. It's my turn.
Do you remember it?
"Do not go gentle into...
"into that good night.
"Old age should burn
and rage...
"at close of day.
"Rage, rage against
the dying of the light.
"Wild men who caught...
"and sang the sun in flight
and learned too late...
"they grieved it on its way.
"Do not go gentle
into that good night.
"Grave men near death...
"who see with blinding sight.
"Blind eyes could blaze
like meteors and be gay.
"Rage, rage against
the dying of the light.
"And you, my father,
there on the sad height.
"Curse, bless me now...
"with your fierce tears,
I pray.
"Do not go gentle
into that good night.
"Rage! Rage against
the dying of the light!"
Thornton, what does that poem
mean to you?
It means...
I don't take shit from no one.
I'm gonna pass this test.
I'm stayin' in school!
Who's next?
Now diving for
the Atlantic Eastern Eagles...
current conference champion...
Doug Nelson.
You know what you
almost never see?
Somebody heckling a diver.
- You're all right, kid.
- Thanks, Lou.
Please refrain from making
loud noises during the dives.
Next up, the Atlantic
Eastern Eagles'...
Bill Steincap.
That concludes Atlantic
Eastern's ten-meter dives.
Next up,
the Grand Lakes Hooters.
We would like to remind you...
tickets to all Grand Lakes
sporting events...
are available through
the student services office.
Are you interested
in Valerie Desmond?
She's with me.
Coming into your own,
are you, Melon?
I wouldn't break my arm...
patting myself on the back
if I were you.
Because... get this, towel boy...
no matter what you think,
you will always be a crude...
obnoxious, nouveau riche
little phlebe...
and you're gonna end up
just like your father.
God, I hope so,
'cause I happen to love the guy.
First up for
Grand Lakes University...
Chas Osbourne...
former national
high school champion.
- Jason dive yet?
- Not yet. Did you pass?
I don't know.
They'll let me know.
Now diving
for Grand Lakes University...
Jason Melon.
Attaboy, Jason! You did it!
All right!
I can't believe it.
We could actually win this.
Melon's dive has put the Hooters
back in this meet.
What's the matter?
You're up next, Chas.
I have got
a really bad cramp.
I've been having
really bad cramps all week.
- It's probably menstrual.
- Screw you, Melon!
Coach Turnbull,
you got another eligible diver?
Melon!
Melon! We need ya!
Get your suit on!
Go ahead.
Oh, not a chance.
In the shape I'm in...
you could donate my body
to science fiction.
Get your suit on! We need ya!
Come on, pal.
Show 'em what you got.
Melon! We need ya!
Now diving in substitution
for Grand Lakes University...
Thornton Melon.
He's on my substitute roster...
but I don't have it right now.
But what I'll do is,
first chance I get...
I'll bring it to you.
What dive is he gonna do?
The Triple Lindy.
Melon! Melon! Melon!
There will be an additional
springboard installed...
for Melon's dive,
the Triple Lindy.
- Is that hard?
- It's impossible.
Melon! You did it!
That was great!
Oh, you were great!
That was incredible!
I guess there's nothing
you can't do.
I've got the results
of your exams right here.
Do I want to hear 'em?
You passed!
All "Ds" and an "A."
Who gave me the "A"?
- I did.
- Oh, yeah?
I would like to introduce
our speaker today.
This is the first time...
in the history
of this fine institution...
that a freshman
has given this address.
Mr. Thornton Melon.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, Dean Martin,
President Sinclair...
and members
of the graduating class.
I have only one thing
to say to you today...
it's a jungle out there.
You gotta look out
for number one.
But don't step in number two.
And so,
to all you graduates...
as you go out into the world
my advice to you is...
don't go!
It's rough out there.
Move back with your parents.
Let them worry about it.
You call this a report card?
What kind of marks is these?
How you gonna go to college
with marks like these?
I don't want to go to college.
I want to work
in the shop with you.
You want to work
in the shop with me, huh?
Listen to me.
I said it once,
and I'll say it again...
I don't care how rich
or successful a man is...
if he don't got an education,
he's got nothing.
- I tried, Pop. I can't do it.
- Then try harder!
You can do anything in life
you want to do.
Remember... you're a Meloni.
Hi there.
Are you a large person?
Pleasantly plump? A little
on the hefty side, perhaps?
Well, let's face it.
Are you fat?
When you go jogging,
do you leave potholes?
When you make love,
do you have to give directions?
At the zoo, do elephants
throw you peanuts?
Do you look at a menu
and say, "OK"?
Well, now you can
eat all you want...
because at Thornton Melon's
Tall and Fat stores...
we've got you covered.
That's right... fine woolen
and woolen blend suits...
and sport coats
in all the larger sizes...
husky, stout, extra-stout
and the new Hindenburg line.
And for you ladies,
we have caftans, muumuus...
and our own exclusive A-frame
in all colors and patterns.
Yes, we have
miles and miles of fabric.
So take it from me,
Thornton Melon...
if you want to look thin,
you hang out with fat people.
Thornton Melon's Tall and Fat...
Lou, did you see the new spot?
Yeah, I seen it.
Do I look fat in it?
You could lose
a couple of pounds.
I gotta get bigger actors.
Pocahontas, how are you?
Ophelia, hold some of my calls.
Yes, sir, Mr. Melon.
Good morning, everyone.
Morning.
Take it easy, will ya?
And don't get any on the walls.
OK, folks. What's up?
Mr. Melon,
we have a serious offer...
on your commercial property
in south Florida...
and we feel you should sell.
No. Hold it for one more year,
take the depreciation...
then transfer title
to the California Corporation.
Show it as a capital gain.
We should do great.
What else?
The toy division has come up
with a new doll idea...
to go along with our
children's clothing line.
We call them Melon Patch Kids.
Now, the competition
exploits the notion...
that their dolls are orphans.
The Melon Patch Kids
are not orphans.
They're abandoned.
We think it's a winner.
OK, go with it.
But keep the unit cost
under five bucks.
Last year, we took a bath
on those Chubby Tubby Tub toys.
- Jason's on the phone.
- Jason.
OK, everybody, take a break.
Excuse me, Mr. Melon,
but we have a very long agenda.
- Later. My son's on the phone.
- But, Mr. Melon!
Beat it, punk.
Jason, how are you?
How you doin'?
How's the diving going?
Oh, it's great.
We just finished up practice.
Oh, keep it up, keep it up!
And the fraternity...
I'll bet you're having fun
in the fraternity, huh?
What do you think?
Yeah, it's great.
Oh, that's great.
You're not doing too much,
are you? You studying?
Well, right now,
we're between semesters...
so classes don't start up
again for another week.
No classes? Then come home.
Tonight, your mother and I
are having a big party.
It's our fifth anniversary.
Whoa, Dad. She's not my mother,
she's your wife...
and I don't get the feeling
she wants me around.
OK, let's not start that again.
I'll tell you what.
I'll come up there to see you.
No. Bad. Bad idea.
I got this big dive meet
coming up.
I gotta practice. I wouldn't
have any time to see you.
- It's a rotten time.
- OK. I understand.
Look, Dad, I promise...
I'll come down for a visit
next break I get, OK?
All right?
Look, I gotta go, OK?
OK, Jason.
Take care of yourself.
I love you.
Yeah, I love you, too.
All right. Bye-bye.
Melon, I told you
to clean my locker.
If it's too much for you...
we'll get ourselves
a new towel boy.
Right. Look, I'm sorry, Chas.
I'll get on it as soon as I can.
Home sweet home.
- I liked the old house better.
- So did I.
I liked the old wife
better, too.
Lay off Vanessa.
She gives great headache.
Lou, I can't believe it.
Married five years.
Seems like yesterday.
And you know what a lousy day
yesterday was.
Please don't throw your clothes
on the Breuer chair.
How come all our furniture
has names?
I have absolutely
nothing to wear.
You got six closets
full of nothing to wear.
Are you saying
I spend too much money?
You, spend too much money? No.
Lots of people go to Switzerland
to get their watch fixed.
You have no taste, Thornton.
You're right.
I married you, didn't I?
I don't have time to argue.
Our friends will be here
any minute.
You mean your friends.
They are my friends,
and I'd like to keep them.
So please,
just behave yourself tonight.
Don't worry. If the roast beef
is right, they'll be back.
Jennifer, you look divine.
And, Peter, I thought
you were still in Portofino.
Why haven't you called?
- She's a lovely gal.
- Oh, yes, she is.
Oh, Ramon,
you look fantastic.
I thought you were still
in Tijuana.
- Excuse me, seor?
- Nothing. It's all right.
- Gimme a beer.
- I'm sorry, seor.
All we have is martinis
and champagne.
My own house,
I can't get a beer.
Mrs. Melon gave us
strict orders... no cerveza.
It's all right.
I'll get it myself.
Hey! Adam and evil.
Mr. Melon.
We was just...
Iooking for some
cocktail napkins.
Where? Under her dress?
You're impossible.
And you're easy.
I love Klimt, don't you?
Mr. Melon, your wife
was just showing us her Klimt.
You too, huh? She's showin' it
to everybody.
- She's very proud of it.
- I'm proud of mine, too.
I don't wave it around
at parties.
- It's an exceptional painting.
- Oh, the painting.
Yeah. Drink up,
enjoy yourself, huh?
I hate small food, you know?
Hey, buddy,
come here, will you?
Put your hand
right over there, will you?
I learned this in Europe.
Look out, coming through.
Hot stuff. Look out.
I'd like you to meet
Mr. And Mrs. Stuyvesant.
Right, right.
- How do you do?
- Thornton!
How you doin'?
Hi there, sir. How are you?
Never mind. I got my own here.
It's all right.
Millicent, you look charming.
I love your dress.
Don't you, Thornton?
It's such a lovely shade
of green.
Yeah. If that dress had pockets,
you'd look like a pool table.
You should try
my Tall and Fat stores.
No offense.
May I speak to you
privately, please?
Watch my sandwich, will you?
I can't take any more of this!
You've insulted our friends,
you've insulted me...
and you've gone out of your way
to ruin this party.
Party? Are you kiddin'?
It's a dog show out there.
Your friends, they come here
for free food, free booze...
and to suck up to you
for donations.
You have no class, Thornton,
and I am tired of it.
I want a divorce.
Divorce. I knew
we had something in common.
Here, sign these.
I'm afraid it's not gonna be
that easy, honey.
This is gonna cost you...
plenty!
Oh, yeah?
Let's talk about class
a minute, all right?
Here's you and Giorgio
in the guest room.
Classy, isn't it?
Here's you and Giorgio
in the rumpus room.
Another classy one, huh?
This one I can't figure out.
There's you, there's Giorgio...
what's with the midget
over here?
Hey, wait! I got more!
What happened in there?
What happened?
I got rid of Vanessa.
I feel like I just got paroled.
I'll tell you what bothers me...
I let her come
between me and Jason.
Lou, pack our bags.
We're going up to that college
to see my son!
Boy, will Jason be surprised.
Look, there's Greek letters.
That must be the house.
Is that an "amigo"
or a unicorn?
Beats me.
Don't you know any Greek?
The only Greek I know owns
a coffee shop on State Street.
Jimmy Pitsos, remember him?
He had an ugly wife...
four ugly kids,
and good coffee.
Wait here, I'll try this one.
Hello, hello!
Anybody here?
Jason, where are you?
Hey, I need some help here!
Buddy, I'm talking to you.
I need some help here!
Take it easy, honey!
I didn't see a thing.
You're perfect.
You jerk!
Perfectly understandable,
Mr. Melon.
It was an honest mistake.
Let's just call it a bad day.
Yeah, but a great view.
You're all right, officer.
Here, a little something
for the kids.
- Take that, it's OK.
- I don't have any kids.
No kids? Well, here,
get yourself some kids.
Take it all, all right?
And just remember...
the best thing about kids
is making 'em.
Even if I do manage
to graduate... ha ha...
what do I do then?
There's the private sector...
but look how bad
the job market is.
There's Valerie Desmond.
See you guys.
Look how tight
her ass is today.
Oh, man. You think
there's any way...
she would ever go out with me?
- No.
- Oh, thanks.
It's this whole stupid
capitalist system, you know?
It's set up to heap rewards...
on the advantaged
and the aggressive...
and to make sure
that two regular schmoes...
like you and me never get a date
with girls like Valerie Desmond.
I hate the whole bourgeois
mentality of this school.
Let me ask you
something else, man.
Do you make this bullshit up
as you go along...
- or do you actually read this?
- I read this. It's Karl Marx.
Famous book.
"Proletarian Chicks in Bondage."
It's a Condom House book.
Comes with a leather hood.
Is that the one
with the pictures?
- Can I borrow that?
- Let's move on.
Well, no, it's, you know...
Oh, yeah. Well, you know.
Dad, what are you doin' here?
I'm robbin' your room,
that's what I'm doin' here.
We drive 300 miles
to see the kid...
that's the greeting we get.
Come here, will ya?
How ya doin' there?
I'm sorry.
I'm really glad to see you...
but I wish
I knew you were coming.
I'll bet you did, huh?
I looked for you
at that fraternity house.
- They said you weren't a member.
- I can explain that.
They also told me
you're not on the diving team.
They said you were
the towel boy.
- I can explain that, too.
- OK, explain it.
- I lied.
- Great. That explains it, huh?
Jason, you don't lie to me.
You lie to girls.
Who's this?
Oh, I'm sorry.
This is my roommate.
That's Derek Lutz.
This is the dad,
and that's Lou.
- Is that your real hair?
- What do you think?
I think you're trying
to get back at your parents.
Show me the campus.
I want to talk to you.
Oh, good.
Boy, what a great-lookin' place.
When I used to dream
about going to college...
this is the way
I always pictured it.
Wait a minute. When did you
dream about going to college?
When I used to fall asleep
in high school.
Dad, I know how much
all this means to you...
- and I'm sorry I lied to you.
- You don't have to lie to me.
No matter what you do,
I'll love you just the same.
Will you love me
no matter what?
No matter what.
- I'm droppin' out.
- You're droppin' out?
You just got here.
You just started.
I know,
but I'm not making it here.
I don't fit in, you know?
I got one friend... Derek.
He's got no friends.
The girls don't like me,
the fraternities don't want me.
The diving coach
won't even talk to me.
Look at it this way...
at least you're getting
an education.
Dad, last semester
I got nothing but "Cs."
A, B, C...
you're in the top three.
What are you worrying about?
I just think I'd be
a lot better off...
gettin' a job or something.
You never went to college.
Look how great you're doin'.
Jason, I said it before
and I'll say it again.
I don't care how rich
and successful a man is.
Without an education,
he's nothing.
I mean, stay in school.
Study harder.
You can be whatever
you want to be.
You want to be a loser,
be a loser.
You want to be a winner,
be a winner.
Jason, it's up to you.
You can do it.
Remember, you're a Melon!
Dad, that's easy for you to say.
You don't have to do any of it.
OK, then.
I'll do it with you.
What do you mean,
you'll do it with me?
I mean just what I said.
I'm going to college.
What do you think?
What do I think?
I think you're nuts.
Nuts, huh? Who made the rules?
Come here. I'm going to college!
I'm going to college!
Let me get this straight,
Mr. Melon.
You wish to enter
this widely esteemed...
Grand Lakes University of ours
as a freshman?
That's right, Dean Martin.
- Are you comfortable?
- I'm fine, yeah.
Oh, the chair. I'm sorry.
This is an awkward moment
for me, Mr. Melon...
since I realize you're
a highly respected member...
of our business community.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Our student body here
is handpicked by me...
from the crme de la crme...
of students all across
this great land of ours.
That's one of the things
I like about this place.
Yes. The point is, though...
since you have
no high school diploma...
and no transcripts of any kind,
no S.A.T. Scores...
and you're 30 to 40 years older
than our average freshman...
how can this university
ever see its way clear...
to accept you as a student?
As Calvin Coolidge once said...
"The business of America
is business"...
and the business of
an educational institution...
such as ours
is to create young minds...
that understand that
the business of America...
is the kind of business
that it actually is.
So, whatever it is that
I have said here today...
the point is
that we are here to honor...
our most generous benefactor...
and newest freshman...
the man who's
made it possible...
for us to break ground
here today...
Mr. Thornton Melon.
Dean Martin, great speech.
There's nothing like good,
clean business, huh?
And a little monkey business.
Oh, Philip. I'm so glad
you could make it.
Mr. Melon, I'd like for you
to meet Dr. Philip Barbay...
who's the dean
of our school of business.
David, I just want
to get it on record...
that I am totally against this.
I don't think
that selling admission...
to an obviously
unqualified student...
is very ethical or honorable.
Right, Phil,
but I'd just like to say...
in all fairness
to Mr. Melon here...
it was a really big check.
It's a simple matter
of this man's presence...
undermining the efforts
of our legitimate students...
who are here as a result
of hard work.
Hard work?
Listen, Sherlock, while you were
tucked away up here...
working on your ethics,
I was out there...
busting my hump
in the real world.
And the reason guys like you
got a place to teach...
is 'cause guys like me
donate buildings.
I wasn't speaking to you,
Mr. Melon.
I don't think
Dr. Barbay understands...
the actual amounts
that are involved here.
Mr. Melon, will you take
the ceremonial shovel?
Thank you.
And dig into the symbolic dirt.
I hereby dedicate
this building to... myself.
Now, Dad, it's just like
we talked about.
You sign up for whatever
interests you, OK?
We're gonna get
on the astronomy line...
before it closes up.
See you later.
Look at this.
This is worse than the track.
You want me to move
some people for you?
No, don't push anybody around.
This is college.
Let me think for a minute.
What are you gonna do?
Come on. I got an idea.
Did you get
everything you want?
I got the Latin
and the Sanskrit...
but then they canceled
my Ancient Greek.
Just blew my whole
dead languages motif.
What are you looking at?
You OK?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm just upset
because they closed botany.
Those bastards!
Well, I'm not that upset.
At least, I won't be
if I get into astronomy.
You want to cut
into line with us?
'Cause we're already waiting.
Yes. Yeah, I would.
Great. All right.
Oh, this is Derek.
Hi.
I'm Valerie Desmond.
Yeah, I know.
- I'm Jason Melon.
- Hi.
- Hey, Valerie.
- Hi.
God, you look great.
Thanks. Are you taking
astronomy, too?
Yeah, I guess so.
I don't really want to.
I'm a business major.
But for some reason,
they want us to take a science.
You mind if I sneak
in the line with you?
Actually, these guys were
nice enough to let me in...
so it's really
up to them, I guess.
Melon, buddy?
Whaddaya say? Let me in, OK?
I don't think so, Osbourne.
Melon, your friend...
straighten him out.
Look, Chas,
there's a lot of people waiting.
It wouldn't really be fair.
I'll tell you what.
Maybe if you got a note
from each of these people...
saying that it was all right,
then we'd reconsider...
but until that day,
take a hike...
you elitist fraternity scumbag.
I won't forget this, Melon.
I'll see you at the pool.
- Bye, Val.
- Bye.
Thank you. I'm dead.
You're not gonna believe this!
- You're kidding!
- I'm not kidding! Just go!
He's out there!
Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce!
Where is he?
I don't know, kid.
All I know is I'm supposed
to pick him up here.
- When?
- Now.
Come on, let's register.
Hey, you guys
get everything you need?
Oh, yeah, we got it.
Good. What's with
the used books?
- What's wrong with used books?
- They've already been read.
And they've already been
underlined.
That's the problem.
The guy who underlined them
could have been a maniac.
Get these guys some new books.
Charge it to me, too.
Here, pick a card.
And I'm taking four
of those school sweaters...
a bunch of pennants,
some of those beer mugs...
a few of these fuzz balls
you cheer with, and...
Hey, folks, it's on me!
Shakespeare for everyone, OK?
You, too, honey.
I'd like to tame your shrew.
- Who is that?
- That is Mr. Thornton Melon...
the world's oldest
living freshman...
and the walking epitome of
the decline of modern education.
The stupid clod thinks he can
buy his way out of the gutter.
I don't think so.
He was just having fun.
Oh, really? Well, I can't wait
to get him in my class.
We'll see how much fun
he is then.
Oh, Philip.
Hey, Mr. M! You're all set.
We've been working all night.
We got it all done.
Thanks, Buzzy.
I appreciate it.
Add a few hundred to the bill
and throw your boys a party.
You know what you got, Mr. M?
You got class.
It rubbed off from you, Buzzy.
Say hello to Sonia for me, huh?
You got it.
I want to talk to you
about my schedule.
We'll go over it later.
Well, boys,
what do you think?
Got a hot tub in there!
How can you study
if you're not relaxed?
When's our first class?
We got economics
tomorrow at 11:00.
I got a massage at 11:00.
Tell them to make it 2:00.
No, Dad, you don't get it.
They're not gonna reschedule
the classes around your massage.
All right, 11:00.
But I'm gonna talk to that dean.
These classes can be
a real inconvenience.
All right, settle down, people.
We've got a lot to cover,
and time is short.
There are two kinds of people
in business today...
the quick and the dead.
So, rather than waste
your time this semester...
with a lot of
useless theories...
we're going to jump right in
with both feet...
and create a fictional company
from the ground up.
We'll construct
our physical plant...
we'll set up
an efficient administrative...
and executive structure...
then we'll manufacture
our product and market it.
I think you'll find it very
interesting and a lot of fun.
So, let's start by looking
at construction costs...
of our new factory.
What's the product?
That is immaterial...
for the purposes
of our discussion here...
but if it makes you happy...
let's say we're making
tape recorders.
Tape recorders?
Are you kiddin'?
The Japs will kill us
on the labor costs.
OK, fine.
Then let's just say
they're widgets.
What's a widget?
It's a fictional product.
It doesn't matter.
Doesn't matter.
Tell that to the bank.
Take it easy.
It's the first day.
On the board,
you will see a cost analysis...
for construction of
a 30,000 square-foot facility...
which will encompass
both factory and office space...
and is fully serviced
by all utilities...
a railroad spur line
and a four-bay shipping dock.
Hold it, hold it. Why build?
You're better off leasing...
at a buck and a quarter,
a buck and a half a square foot.
Take your down payment
and put it into CDs...
or something else you can roll
over every couple of months.
Thank you, Mr. Melon...
but we'll be concentrating
on finance...
a little later in the term.
For the time being,
let's just concentrate...
on the construction figures,
shall we?
You'll see the final bottom line
requires the factoring in...
of not just the material
and construction costs...
but also the architects' fees
and the cost of land servicing.
Oh, you left out
a bunch of stuff.
Oh, really?
Like what, for instance?
First of all, you have to grease
the local politicians...
for the sudden zoning problems
that always come up.
Then there's the kickbacks
to the carpenters.
And if you plan on using
any cement in this building...
I'm sure the teamsters
would like to have...
a little chat with you,
and that'll cost you.
Don't forget a little something
for the building inspectors.
There's the long-term costs,
such as waste disposal.
I don't know if you're familiar
with who runs that business...
but I assure you
it's not the boy scouts.
That will be quite enough,
Mr. Melon.
Maybe bribes and kickbacks...
and Mafia payoffs
are how you do business...
but they are not part of
the legitimate business world...
and they're certainly
not part of anything...
I'm teaching in this class.
Do I make myself clear?
Sorry. Just trying to help.
That's all.
Now, notwithstanding
Mr. Melon's input...
the next question for us is
where to build our factory.
How about Fantasyland?
My first class.
I did good, huh?
You better cool it
with Dr. Barbay.
Dr. Barbay, he don't know dick.
He really tells it
like it ain't.
Know what he knows how to do?
Flunk you.
Flunk me? Flunk him.
Great attitude. Do you know
where your next class is?
Contemporary American history.
Professor Turgeson.
- Turgeson?
- You know him? Is he good?
Well, he's really committed.
In fact, I think he was.
Just keep your head down...
and your mouth shut.
You should be all right.
- I'll see you in English.
- All right.
Welcome to Contemporary
American history.
I'm Professor Turgeson.
I know a lot of people
think history is just facts...
just information about the past,
but not me.
I hold history
very sacred. Sacred.
The way a farmer looks at
the Earth and holds it sacred.
The way a Christian
takes the Bible...
and he holds it sacred.
The way a lot of people
hold their marriage sacred.
That's how I feel about it.
So why don't we dive right in...
by interpreting
one of the easiest events...
in the last twenty years
of American history.
Now, can someone tell me...
why, in 1975, we pulled
our troops out of Vietnam?
The failure of Vietnamization
to win popular support...
caused an ongoing erosion
of confidence...
in the various American...
but illegal... Saigon regimes.
Is she right?
'Cause I know
that's the popular version...
of what went on there.
I know a lot of people
like to believe that.
I wish I could,
but I was there.
I wasn't here in a classroom...
hoping I was right,
thinking about it.
I was up to my knees
in rice paddies...
with guns that didn't work,
going up against Charlie...
slugging it out with him,
while pussies like you...
were back here partyin',
puttin' headbands on...
doin' drugs, listening
to the goddamn Beatle albums!
Hey, Professor,
take it easy, will ya?
These kids were in grade school
at the time.
And me...
I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover.
Well, I didn't know you wanted
to get involved...
with the discussion,
Mr. Helper.
But since you want to help,
maybe you can help me, OK?
You remember that thing
we had about thirty years ago...
called the Korean conflict?
Yeah. Where we failed
to achieve victory.
How come we didn't cross
the 38th parallel...
and push those rice-eaters back
to the Great Wall of China...
and take it apart
brick by brick...
and nuke them back into
the fuckin' stone age forever?
How come? Tell me?
Why? Say it! Say it!
All right, I'll say it.
'Cause Truman was too much
of a pussy wimp...
to let MacArthur go in and blow
out those commie bastards!
Good answer. Good answer.
I like the way you think.
I'm gonna be watching you.
Good teacher.
He really seems to care.
About what, I have no idea.
College is all right,
I'll tell you that.
Hey, buddy, be my guest.
Here's a pen.
Boys, here's a couple of pens,
in case you learn how to write.
- I know you.
- Oh, yeah? Here's a pen.
You do those
obnoxious commercials.
You're tall and fat.
Yeah, you're short and ugly.
Give me the pen back, will ya?
Honey, here's a pen.
Boys, how are ya?
"And Gibraltar is a girl...
"where I was a flower
of the mountain.
"Yes, when I put
the rose in my hair...
"like the
Andalusian girls used.
"Or shall I wear red?
"Yes. And how he kissed me
under the Moorish wall...
"and I thought...
"well, as well him as another.
"And then I ask him
with my eyes to ask again.
"Yes. And then he asked me
would I yes to say yes.
"My mountain flower.
"And first I put my arms
around him, yes...
"and drew him down to me...
"so he could feel my breasts
all perfumed, yes...
"and his heart was going
like mad, and yes...
"I said, yes, I will, yes."
Yes! Yes!
Thanks for the vote
of confidence.
I think Joyce
is pretty hot, too.
And now that
I've got your attention...
I'd like to run down
the reading list...
for the semester.
See what else turns you on.
What a woman.
Dad, she is the teacher.
I know. I like teachers.
If you do something wrong,
they make you do it over again.
Don't you think maybe
you should just take some notes?
Yeah, yeah.
I gave away all my pens.
I'm sorry. I need this back.
Here's a calendar for you.
Oh, hiya.
Hello, Mr. Melon.
You waiting for me?
Yes, I was. Look,
I know I'm only a freshman...
but what do you say
you and I have dinner tonight?
We could talk about Joyce.
She's my favorite writer.
You're not the usual freshman,
but I'm sorry, I can't.
The thing is,
I'm sort of going with someone.
Oh. Where you going?
That's a good question.
Actually, I'd like to join you,
but I have class tonight.
- How about tomorrow night?
- I have class then, too.
I'll tell you what, then.
Why don't you call me
when you have no class?
All right. Maybe I will.
Hello, Philip.
What did he want?
Oh, what do all men want?
He wants you to dress up
as Wonder Woman...
tie him up with a golden lariat
and force him to tell the truth?
No, just dinner, Philip.
Are you jealous
of Thornton Melon?
Certainly not.
I've been doing a great deal
of thinking lately.
I've been thinking about us.
- And?
- And I think...
we should start thinking
about forming a...
well, um...
A merger?
A merger, exactly.
Exactly, a merger.
A partnership.
Seriously, Diane...
we're both intelligent,
well-educated adults.
We should be together.
Incorporated, if you will.
Look at the balance sheet.
We were made for one another.
Oh, Philip, you darling.
I don't want to be merged
or incorporated.
I want to have fun
and be romanced and be loved.
So let's not rush
into anything.
Let's just start
by having fun, OK?
Hey, how are you?
What's happening?
Hi!
A lot of people are talking
about your dad, man.
What's happening?
Hey, boys, how ya doin'?
I wonder why.
They have lockers.
You could've changed here.
I don't change
in front of guys.
Next thing you know, you're
showering with the fellas.
And the next thing you know...
you're pinned to a sophomore
named Chip.
Come on, let's go, huh?
I'll see you later.
That was pretty good.
Next time, hold the pike
a little longer.
Wait a minute.
I'll be right down.
Not bad.
All right, let's see one more.
Like I showed you.
All right.
What's a guy your age
doing here with these kids?
I'm lookin' for the fountain
of middle age.
What's your story?
I'm setting the new record for
the most consecutive losses...
by a diving coach
in this conference.
Hey, remember,
hold that pike longer.
- That your kid?
- Yeah.
Who coached him in high school?
Yours truly.
So, where did you learn
how to dive?
Atlantic City. The Steel Pier.
I was in the water show.
I used to open
for the diving horse.
You're kiddin'.
I'm from Jersey.
I practically spent
my entire life on that pier.
There was a guy,
did the most amazing dive...
called the Triple Lindy.
Hardest dive
I ever saw in my life.
- Who was that guy?
- Yours truly.
You're kiddin'.
I don't joke about dives.
Especially that one.
It almost killed me.
Boy, you were somethin' else.
Hey, can your kid do that dive?
Nah, nobody can.
It's too dangerous.
You know, he tried out
for the team last semester.
He didn't do that good.
Not that good, huh? Watch this.
Jason, do the two and a half!
Not bad.
My main Melon.
Come on, man...
there's a pep rally
for the football team.
- Let's go. We're there.
- Whoa, wait. What is this?
Me and Standish and Redding
are doing the anti-pep rally...
to point out that a violent
ground acquisition game...
such as football is, in fact...
a crypto-fascist metaphor
for nuclear war.
It sounds like
a lot of laughs...
but I'm supposed
to meet my dad and study.
He's supposed
to be here already.
OK, well...
if you change your mind, pal,
you know where I'll be.
If I change my mind,
I'll seek psychiatric help.
Excuse me.
What is the Oort system
and what does it tell us?
What? I'm sorry.
Astronomy, chapter two.
Oh, Oort, Oort.
Oort was this scientist,
and he figured out...
that the smeared-out density
of matter can be no greater...
than the solar mass
per cubic parsec.
You look thrilled.
It's not my theory.
Thanks, that helps a lot.
Listen, I was
just wondering...
would you do
my astronomy homework...
for the rest of the semester?
- Here you go.
- OK, right.
Hi, Mr. Melon.
Oh, you can call me Thornton.
Say, how about joining me
and my friend over there?
Your friend looks
a little strange.
Who, Lou? Lou's an animal.
Why, in his family...
he's only the second generation
that's standing up straight.
What lovely girls.
How would you like a life
of luxury and deceit?
Come on, join us in a beer. OK?
- Yeah, OK.
- OK.
Girls, this is Lou.
Lou, these are girls.
One, two.
One, two.
Shake it up, baby
Twist and shout
Come on, come on, come on, baby
Come and work it on out
Work it on out, honey
Honey, come here. I need
and also,
bring a pitcher of beer...
every seven minutes
till somebody passes out.
And then bring one
every ten minutes.
You got it. Anyway...
I thought we were gonna go...
to the planetarium
and look at a lot of stars.
I had no idea this was
gonna be astrophysics.
It's not that hard.
You'll get it.
It's not hard for you,
because you're smart.
You're smart, too.
Yeah, but you're, like,
"smart" smart.
Do you study at the library
every night?
No. I was gonna meet
my dad there...
but he must be studying
at the dorm.
Shake it up, baby
Twist and shout
Come on, come on, come on, baby
Come on and work it on out
You know you twist it,
little girl
Lower, baby, lower.
Hey, guys,
let me see some I.D.
Not that low, baby.
Come on and twist a little
closer now
To the left, baby, to the left.
And let me know you're mine
That's the spot, baby.
Hold it, hold it!
Oh, you are there!
Shake it, baby
Shake it, shake it, baby
Come on and shake it,
shake it, shake it, baby
- Shake it now
- Shake it
OK, go ahead.
Jason, what are you doing here?
What am I doing here?
What are you doing here?
We were supposed to study,
remember, in the library?
The library.
I was supposed to be there.
Hey, what's going on?
Chas, check it out.
Hey, Clark.
Interesting little rally
you guys had tonight.
Yeah, right. They got paint
all over my girlfriend.
I'm gonna kill
them little pinheads.
Yeah? Well, you came
to the right place...
because guess who's here...
Derek Lutz.
Hey, Lutz!
You know who I am?
Let me see...
protruding
supra-orbital ridges...
small cranium,
Neanderthal man.
You... I want you
to call his mother.
You tell her
he's never coming home.
Whoa, hold it. You sure
you even got the right guy?
Look how many people
got blue hair these days.
Shut up, meathead.
Take it easy, will ya?
I mean, the war's over.
Get new parts for your head.
Yeah? Want to make
something of it?
Oh, no. I never get physical.
I just get upset...
and when I get upset,
he gets physical.
You got a problem?
No, I haven't got a problem.
Now you do.
Get him!
Lou, where you been?
I'm getting my ass kicked
all over the place!
- Well, you look terrible.
- No, I'm all right.
It's Lou I'm worried about.
He may lose his trigger finger.
It serves you guys right.
Why did you have to take on
the whole football team?
They're not that tough.
The football team
at my high school was tough.
After they sacked
the quarterback...
they went after his family.
This morning we're going to look
at "The Great Gatsby"...
by F. Scott Fitzgerald.
Mr. Melon, how would you
characterize "The Great Gatsby?"
Who, him?
No, you.
Me.
Well, "The Great Gatsby,"
he was...
great.
See me after class, Mr. Melon.
I mean, please,
try to understand.
I don't have
the background for this.
The high school I went to...
they asked a kid to prove
the law of gravity.
He threw the teacher
out the window.
I know what I need.
I need a tutor.
What do you say? Come on.
You got some spare time.
All right, Mr. Melon.
I have some spare time
this evening.
Why don't you come around
about 7:00?
- Great.
- I'll give you my address.
- Thanks.
- Please be on time.
I'll be on time.
What penmanship.
"Everywhere the ceremony
of innocence is drowned;
"The best
lack all conviction...
"while the worst are full
of passionate intensity."
There's a lot
of other stuff here.
Yeats goes on and on...
and here's the finish.
"What rough beast,
its hour come round at last...
"slouches towards Bethlehem
to be born?"
What does that
make you think of?
Rough beast. My ex-wife.
Well, that's
one interpretation.
Not the right one,
but it's a start.
Surely a man of your age
and experience...
must have read some
of the things on my list.
- What about "Macbeth"?
- I saw the movie.
Orson Welles.
Great actor, big actor.
He was a Tall and Fat
customer for years.
How about
"Cat on a Hot Tin Roof"?
I saw the movie. Burl lves.
Great actor, extra stout.
He was a customer, too.
- "Streetcar Named Desire."
- Great movie. Marlon Brando.
He wasn't that big then,
but he ballooned up nicely.
I'd say pound for pound,
our finest American actor.
Don't you ever read?
Who has time? I see the movie.
I'm in and out in two hours.
Oh, Thornton, don't you see?
The reason you want
to read these works...
is so you can experience them
for yourself...
so you can share the thoughts
and feelings of the writer...
without the interference
of your actor and director...
and professor's point of view
getting in the way...
to truly share
and understand...
the common feelings
of all mankind...
the feelings of being alive.
That was beautiful.
I understand
what you're saying, too.
I'm glad.
That makes me feel good.
I got an idea.
Let's keep talking over dinner.
I'm supposed to meet
someone for dinner.
I could cancel,
though, I guess.
We are working, after all.
You can't work
on an empty stomach.
You can't concentrate
when you're hungry.
Oh, I don't know.
I really shouldn't.
- I have so many things to do.
- Oh, come on. I'll help you.
I'll take out the garbage.
I'll do the dishes.
I'll do your nails.
I'll do your hair.
You have no idea
what I want to do.
- I'll call him.
- I'll dial it!
I'll just get the light.
I think I'm attracted
to teachers.
I took out an English teacher.
That didn't work out at all.
I sent her a love letter.
She corrected it.
Oh, great. Company.
- Those two ought to get a room.
- Really.
Actually,
I was married twice.
My first wife, Jason's mother,
I really loved her.
We had a good thing going,
you know?
She passed away
about ten years ago.
After that, I screwed around
for a few years.
Then I really went nuts...
I married Vanessa.
I was just lonely, I guess.
Is that over now?
We were doomed from the start.
I'm an earth sign,
she's a water sign.
Together, we made mud.
I picked a beauty.
And she played around, too.
When she said, "I do,"
I should have said, "With who?"
So, are you
giving up on women?
I don't know.
I can't figure women out.
Today, they're independent.
They only think
about themselves.
During sex, Vanessa used
to scream out her own name.
I think it's the men
who are different.
Ever since
the women's movement...
most of the men I meet
go out of their way...
to show you
how sensitive they are.
Before they were too macho,
and now they're too soft.
You all want us to know
you can cry.
No, with women,
I never cry. Never.
I beg.
If we finish
this bottle of wine...
you won't have to beg.
Diane!
Oh, Philip.
We were supposed
to go to dinner.
I just had dinner!
I don't believe this.
Maybe it's a dream.
Good night, Philip.
You do a good job.
What do you charge
for big cars?
I had a lot of fun, Thornton.
Me, too.
And thanks for the lesson.
I learned a lot.
You're welcome. I did, too.
Well...
Well, I guess
this is good night.
Yeah.
A very good night.
Beautiful.
Oh, that's it.
That's the spot.
Just keep doing that.
Oh, don't lose it.
Oh, Lou, you're great.
The leg is better.
You got the cramp out.
You're a wreck.
You gotta start working out.
And you know what else?
You have got midterms
coming up.
You haven't studied five minutes
since you got here.
You're always so neat.
You're just like
your Uncle Vito.
We were kids,
his room was always in order.
His towels lined up neatly...
combs, brushes, hair lotions
all in the right place.
What did it mean?
What is he today?
He's an attendant
in the men's room.
Hey, he's my idol.
But I'm not gonna be
folding towels anymore...
'cause I just made...
ta da... the diving team.
That's great!
I'm takin' you out.
We'll celebrate.
We're havin' a party!
Oh, no, Dad, that's really nice,
but I'm in training now.
We got a big meet coming up
against Northern.
We'll have a party
after the meet.
Dad, why don't you join me
on a little reality break, OK?
Just 'cause you're in love
with Dr. Turner...
does not mean you're
gonna pass her course.
You got a major paper
coming up on Kurt Vonnegut.
You haven't even read
any of the books.
I tried.
I don't understand
a word of it.
So, how you gonna
write the paper, then?
Hi, I'm Kurt Vonnegut.
I'm looking for Thornton Melon.
Want to come in? Dad?
I don't want to hear
one more word out of you...
or it's back to the tree.
Come in.
Excuse me. Dr. Barazini?
I'm Thornton Melon.
Oh, yes, Thornton Melon.
I know you.
You delivered the paper
on isomagnetic brain waves...
in Montreal last year.
No, I sold you your pants.
Oh, of course.
Good to see you.
What are you doing here?
I'm supposed to report here
for my lab project.
Oh, good. I'm trying to teach
these here apes...
how to read and write.
You ought to teach them
how to go to the bathroom.
You'll get used to that.
Now, all you have to do
is put a new tape...
in the tape machine every hour
and observe the animals.
I'll be back in a few hours
to check on you.
- OK, fine.
- All righty.
You don't need this.
I'll find you an organ grinder.
Hiya, Marge?
A few things.
I need you and the gang to get
down here as fast as you can.
And I have to talk to Peterson,
the accountant.
I'm gonna need him, too.
Oh, thanks.
And, Marge, I need...
See if you can get somebody
at the Rand Corporation...
or the Brookings Institute to
come down here for about a week.
What?
And Russell hits him
with a powerful front body slam!
No problem.
They're takin' a break,
that's all.
In 1971, the United States
accumulated deficits...
greater than the supply
of gold the country held.
In that year, Richard Nixon...
took the United States
off the gold standard.
In doing so, he disrupted...
the entire international
monetary system.
What is that clicking noise?
Are you a student
in this class?
No.
Who are you?
I'm Marge Sweetwater...
Mr. Thornton Melon's
private secretary.
What are you doing here?
I'm taking notes for Mr. Melon.
He told you to write down
everything I say?
Yes, he did.
Good.
Take this down.
Mr. Melon,
no matter what you do...
no matter what stunts
you pull...
no matter how hard you try...
you will never, ever
pass this course.
Make sure he gets that.
Yes, sir.
I'll tell you what.
It's for Barbay.
Make it an "A."
Where's the lab report
on psychology?
Here.
It's too light.
It feels like a "C."
Bulk it up and add a few
multicolored graphs.
- Yo, Dad.
- Jason, hold it, will ya?
Listen, everybody.
Let's see "As" across the board.
I'll tell you what...
a ten percent bonus
for every grade over "B."
And an A+ gets you a free trip
to Hawaii... off-season.
- Dad, what's going on here?
- I'm doing my homework.
No, they're doing
your homework.
A good executive knows how
to delegate authority.
I took care of you, too.
- And what's this?
- Your astronomy report.
- What's wrong with you?
- What's wrong with you?
I want to write that paper.
I'm gonna write that paper.
That's why I'm taking astronomy,
to learn something!
You're never gonna learn
a goddamn thing...
if you got people
doing your work for you!
Oh, never mind.
Kids... they always do things
the hard way.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the visiting team...
the Northern University
Wildcats!
And your Grand Lakes
University Hooters!
- Hey, there's your boy!
- Jason!
While the teams are warming up,
we'd like to remind you...
that all proceeds
from the refreshment stands...
go to your student government.
Hey, Valerie. How you doin'?
Glad you could come. Listen.
My dad is having a party
tonight at the dorm...
and it should be pretty great.
His parties usually are.
I'd love to come,
except for I have a date.
Oh. Well, hey, bring him along.
It's OK.
You just both come by.
I'll really try.
Good. I hope
I'll see you there.
It sounds like fun. I wish
my dad were more like yours.
Hey, Chas.
Good luck, buddy.
Let's get them.
Yeah. Thanks, Melon.
I'd wish you luck, too...
but I guess a guy like you
doesn't need luck.
What's that supposed to mean?
With your old man behind you...
I figured since he bought
your way onto the team...
he probably bought off
the judges, too.
Oh, there's Thornton.
Diane!
I can't imagine what you can
possibly see in that man.
Philip, would you excuse me
for a minute?
Yes, yes.
- You look great.
- Oh, thanks.
Where you been?
I called you a hundred times.
I made four dates
with your answering machine.
I'm sorry I missed you.
Things have been so hectic.
I've been reading midterm papers
and grading exams.
Did you read mine yet?
Not yet,
but I'm looking forward to it.
I'm throwing a party
in our room tonight...
and you better be there.
I'm sorry. I have a date
with Philip tonight.
Bring him along.
We may run out of ice.
First diver
for Grand Lakes University...
Chas Osbourne.
Hey, Coach! How are ya?
How you doin', huh?
Next diver for Grand Lakes...
Jason Melon.
Melon.
What's going on?
This is always
the best party of the year.
I don't know.
Some big event at the dorms.
- We're thinkin' of going over.
- To Melon's? Are you nuts?
Why don't we go?
Valerie, please.
It'll be horrible.
Jason said it would be great.
It might be fun.
Jason's a twerp. We could have
won if it weren't for him.
Haven't you ever messed up?
No.
I'm all dressed up
with nowhere to go
Hey, baby!
Walking with a dead man
over my shoulder
I'm all dressed up
with nowhere to go
I love three girls at once.
If I fall asleep,
they have each other to talk to.
Nice look.
What are you going for?
The heavy, disassociated
artist thing...
or the "I'm going blind" thing?
Oh, It's the deaf thing.
Maybe this will cheer you up.
Oh, do me!
Derek! Get up, will ya?
You look like the poster boy
for birth control.
Jason, it's a party.
What's your story?
What's the matter?
The swim meet?
Forget about it. It's history.
Come on, will ya? Snap into it!
You're right, Dad.
It doesn't matter, Dad!
Right, Dad?
Come on, party, right?
Hey, buddy!
Everybody, make some noise,
have some fun!
What's that noise?
It's a party, Philip.
Midterms, remember?
They're just blowing off steam.
You there.
What's going on here?
The Melon man is throwing
the greatest party of all time!
The whole world is there.
It's the best thing...
that's ever happened to me
in my whole life!
Oh, God.
Look at that!
Listen to that racket.
This is disgraceful.
I should phone security.
Oh, Philip.
Good. Apparently I'm not
the only one around here...
with a sense of decency.
Yeah. Cool!
Did you see...
where are you going?
Intellectual curiosity, Philip.
Sounds fun in there.
Come with me.
- Oh, please!
- Oh, Philip!
It's a dead man's party
Who could ask for more
Everybody's coming
Leave your body
at the door
Leave your body and soul
at the door
Don't run away
It's only me
Don't run away
It's only me, only me
Don't be afraid
Of what you can't see
Say when.
Right after this drink.
Hey, what's a bath
without Bubbles?
Hey, Bubbles,
come over here, will ya?
Well!
- Hi there.
- Hi!
- What's your favorite subject?
- Poetry.
Really? Maybe you can help me
straighten out my Longfellow.
Excuse me.
Have you seen Thornton Melon?
I think he's in there.
Thanks.
Excuse me.
Has anyone seen Thornton Melon?
That's what I call
marine biology.
Diane!
Say hello to my nieces.
Wait a minute!
Jason? There you are.
I was looking all over for you.
Jason, are you OK?
I'm sorry about the swim meet.
Shit. Swim meet.
Jesus, you think I care
about the swim meet?
I mean, it's just
a stupid college game.
It's just bullshit.
Why are you acting like this?
I know you don't think
like that.
Oh, you do?
Grow up, Valerie.
You think this is real?
This isn't real.
College is a dream world.
This is something you do
to pass the time...
till you go out in the real
world and start buying people.
Let's go for a walk
and talk this out.
There you are.
Can we go? I'm bored.
Oh, Christ, Osbourne...
will you just get
your ass outta here?
What a surprise.
Another shit-faced Melon.
Do I gotta knock your teeth
down your throat?
Easy. Your father isn't here
to back you up this time.
Don't!
Are you OK?
Jason! I was lookin' for ya.
Hey, come here. Where ya goin'?
Where am I going?
I'm leaving school, Dad.
One of us has gotta go.
You're having such a great time.
I'm getting out.
Why? I don't get it.
Because you didn't win
the diving meet?
No, not because I didn't win!
Because I shouldn't
even have been there.
Chas told me
you bribed the coach...
to put me on the team.
Real good!
What? And you believed him.
I never lied to you in my life.
I didn't bribe the coach.
You were on the team
because you deserve it.
You made it on your own.
Dad, you don't get it.
Everything I have
is because of you...
and because of you...
I get my astronomy homework
done for me by NASA.
I just want the best for you.
That's all I ever wanted.
I did it all for you.
I know, but you don't know
when to quit.
I know you came here to help me,
and I really appreciate it...
and it's really sweet,
and it's really not working.
Can't you let me just do
something for myself?
I just want to see you happy.
Well, take a good look!
'Cause I was a lot happier
when I was miserable.
I enjoyed reading that, Susan.
It's a nice improvement.
Thank you.
Diane, why'd you fail me?
I didn't, Thornton.
You failed me.
- Is it because of last night?
- No. I can accept the fact...
that you're completely
regressed emotionally...
but you won't pass my course by
turning in someone else's work.
What do you think,
someone else wrote this?
All I know is that you didn't.
That's what disappoints me.
Whoever did write it...
doesn't know the first thing
about Kurt Vonnegut.
And another thing, Vonnegut.
I'm going to stop payment
on the check.
What's that? Fuck me?
Kurt, do you read lips?
Fuck you!
Next time
I'll call Robert Ludlum.
Derek, have you seen Jason?
I think he's on
a three-state killing spree.
Here's some more
potentially bad news.
Dean Martin wants to see you
in his office right away.
Dean Martin.
And she said, "Let's do it.
The room's already paid for."
Oh, golly.
I'm afraid we have...
a potentially unpleasant
situation on our hands here.
Phil, would you repeat
to Mr. Melon...
the allegations
that you've made to me?
It's clear the work you've
handed in is not your own.
I'm accusing you
of academic fraud.
Fraud is such an ugly word...
considering
the financial generosity...
that Mr. Melon has shown
towards our fine university.
I think Mr. Melon
should be expelled.
What are you going
to do about it?
Well, Thornton...
I'm only going
to ask you this one time.
Is the work that
you turned in your own?
I can't lie to you,
Dean Martin.
Yes, it is.
I'm satisfied.
- Phil?
- I'm outraged.
Gee whiz, Phil!
I just asked the man...
if the work was his,
and he said yes.
What do you want me to do,
torture him?
I suggest a comprehensive
oral examination...
conducted by all of
Mr. Melon's professors.
Oral examination?
Yes. If you've done the work
you say you have...
there should be no problem,
should there?
Hey, Jase.
Hey, Lou. How you doin'?
Come here.
I want to tell you something.
What?
You were pretty hard
on your father last night.
I know, but the guy
doesn't understand.
I know your pop thirty years.
He understands.
He's a nice guy,
and he's tough.
Like me.
I'm nice, and I'm tough.
I'll give you an idea
what I mean.
My two boys... I put one
through college...
and the other
I put through a wall.
Your papa loves you.
He's lookin' out for ya.
Look out for him.
What's goin' on?
I'm leavin'. I'm sorry, Jason.
This college thing
was a big mistake.
- So you're gonna give up?
- I can't win.
They want me to take oral exams
in all my subjects.
If I don't take them,
they'll kick me out.
And if I take 'em,
who knows where they'll kick me.
Hey, Dad, you remember
what you told me...
when I told you
I wanted to quit?
You told me that a man
without an education is nothing.
I can't do it.
You can do anything
you want to do.
You can do anything
you want in life.
Remember, you're a Melon.
Don't quit. I'll help you.
Before we begin...
I would just like to thank
each and every professor here...
for taking time out of
his/her extremely busy schedule.
And a special thanks, of course,
to Mr. Thornton Melon...
who I don't have to remind
anyone is the donor...
of our new
Melon School of Business.
We're wasting time.
Sorry, Phil.
Now, Mr. Melon,
you'll have three hours...
to complete the examination.
If you fail any part of it,
you will be expelled.
Mr. Melon, do you understand?
- The Council of Trent.
- Excuse me?
I missed the question.
We haven't begun yet.
Well, Dr. Barbay,
I suppose you're up first.
I have only one question
for Mr. Melon...
in 27 parts.
I'd like to break him
in 27 parts.
Excuse me?
No, nothin', nothin'.
Discuss the foundations of
modern global business systems.
Part one: Define
and differentiate...
the three economic
philosophies...
of capitalism, socialism
and communism...
as pertains to:
A... management fundamentals;
B... organizing and staffing;
C... labor management;
and D... production
and operations.
Part two...
Are you getting
all this, Mr. Melon?
Yeah. It's a piece o' cake.
Jason?
Valerie.
I wanted to apologize
for the other night...
my behavior
and the things I said.
And to thank you...
for your behavior
and the things you said.
I'm really sorry.
And I'm really
in love with you...
and I really have been
for a very long time.
And I can't believe
I'm saying this.
I don't want
to embarrass you...
or make you feel
uncomfortable with me...
but...
I've been needing to tell you
this for a very long time.
Are you aware that
that's the most...
you've ever said to me
at one time?
Except, of course, for the time
that you were ravingly drunk.
I love you, too.
In response
to Roman numeral 27...
section three, part two...
of subset D...
of the question...
the answer is...
Mr. Melon?
Mr. Melon?
Hey, relax. This man's been put
under a lot of pressure.
Let's take it easy on him.
Say it! Say it!
The answer is... four?
Right.
Dr. Turner?
Hold it. That's it.
I can't take it no more.
I feel like I just gave birth
to an accountant.
Wait a minute, Thornton.
Thornton, do you remember
when we discussed...
the Dylan Thomas poem...
"Do Not Go Gentle
Into That Good Night"?
I don't know.
No. Maybe.
Thornton, think.
What's going on here?
Philip, relax. It's my turn.
Do you remember it?
"Do not go gentle into...
"into that good night.
"Old age should burn
and rage...
"at close of day.
"Rage, rage against
the dying of the light.
"Wild men who caught...
"and sang the sun in flight
and learned too late...
"they grieved it on its way.
"Do not go gentle
into that good night.
"Grave men near death...
"who see with blinding sight.
"Blind eyes could blaze
like meteors and be gay.
"Rage, rage against
the dying of the light.
"And you, my father,
there on the sad height.
"Curse, bless me now...
"with your fierce tears,
I pray.
"Do not go gentle
into that good night.
"Rage! Rage against
the dying of the light!"
Thornton, what does that poem
mean to you?
It means...
I don't take shit from no one.
I'm gonna pass this test.
I'm stayin' in school!
Who's next?
Now diving for
the Atlantic Eastern Eagles...
current conference champion...
Doug Nelson.
You know what you
almost never see?
Somebody heckling a diver.
- You're all right, kid.
- Thanks, Lou.
Please refrain from making
loud noises during the dives.
Next up, the Atlantic
Eastern Eagles'...
Bill Steincap.
That concludes Atlantic
Eastern's ten-meter dives.
Next up,
the Grand Lakes Hooters.
We would like to remind you...
tickets to all Grand Lakes
sporting events...
are available through
the student services office.
Are you interested
in Valerie Desmond?
She's with me.
Coming into your own,
are you, Melon?
I wouldn't break my arm...
patting myself on the back
if I were you.
Because... get this, towel boy...
no matter what you think,
you will always be a crude...
obnoxious, nouveau riche
little phlebe...
and you're gonna end up
just like your father.
God, I hope so,
'cause I happen to love the guy.
First up for
Grand Lakes University...
Chas Osbourne...
former national
high school champion.
- Jason dive yet?
- Not yet. Did you pass?
I don't know.
They'll let me know.
Now diving
for Grand Lakes University...
Jason Melon.
Attaboy, Jason! You did it!
All right!
I can't believe it.
We could actually win this.
Melon's dive has put the Hooters
back in this meet.
What's the matter?
You're up next, Chas.
I have got
a really bad cramp.
I've been having
really bad cramps all week.
- It's probably menstrual.
- Screw you, Melon!
Coach Turnbull,
you got another eligible diver?
Melon!
Melon! We need ya!
Get your suit on!
Go ahead.
Oh, not a chance.
In the shape I'm in...
you could donate my body
to science fiction.
Get your suit on! We need ya!
Come on, pal.
Show 'em what you got.
Melon! We need ya!
Now diving in substitution
for Grand Lakes University...
Thornton Melon.
He's on my substitute roster...
but I don't have it right now.
But what I'll do is,
first chance I get...
I'll bring it to you.
What dive is he gonna do?
The Triple Lindy.
Melon! Melon! Melon!
There will be an additional
springboard installed...
for Melon's dive,
the Triple Lindy.
- Is that hard?
- It's impossible.
Melon! You did it!
That was great!
Oh, you were great!
That was incredible!
I guess there's nothing
you can't do.
I've got the results
of your exams right here.
Do I want to hear 'em?
You passed!
All "Ds" and an "A."
Who gave me the "A"?
- I did.
- Oh, yeah?
I would like to introduce
our speaker today.
This is the first time...
in the history
of this fine institution...
that a freshman
has given this address.
Mr. Thornton Melon.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, Dean Martin,
President Sinclair...
and members
of the graduating class.
I have only one thing
to say to you today...
it's a jungle out there.
You gotta look out
for number one.
But don't step in number two.
And so,
to all you graduates...
as you go out into the world
my advice to you is...
don't go!
It's rough out there.
Move back with your parents.
Let them worry about it.