Bad Johnson (2014) Movie Script
1
AH
OK
Wow
- You like that baby? - Oh I love it.
Oh Yea?
Yea?
Oh Shit!
Not what it looks like babe.
You're fucking my sister?
[Sighs]
You piece of shit!
Baby. Baby!
Don't "Baby" me.
I thought you loved me.
I do.
AH!
Oh, my God.
Hi, Mrs. LeFebre.
What happened to your purity ring?
Oh!
I found it earlier.
Oh, dear God.
Look, Melissa, I am sorry.
I really am.
Oh, don't you touch her!
Okay. Okay.
I'm just going to grab
my things I'm gonna go.
Uh... [Bell Dings]
My underwear. My underwear?
Um, don't. I don't need it.
I mean, I feel horrible.
I genuinley, actually, liked her.
I mean we could talk, we could laugh,
We cuddle. I mean we even
hated the same people.
It's always nice when you
hate the same people.
Is't it though? It's just not fun when you feel
like you're being judged for judging someone else.
Me and Emily made fun of an
albino midget the other day.
It was wrong, but romantic.
I envy you guys.
Then stop fuckin' up a good thing.
This is the third relationship
you've ruined in the last year.
My DICK. The third relationship
my DICK has ruined.
You can't control your dick?
It's like babysitting a
nine year old with A.D.D.
I mean you try your best until
he just wears you down.
Then you just give him whatever the hell
he wants until his parents come home.
But. But! His parents never come home.
I can control mine.
Not to be a dick, but,
You're not presented with as many
"Ass Getting" opportunities as I am.
- Even if I were -What? - I'd Be -What?
You wouldn't, please, I know for a fact you beat it to Indian porn
when Emily goes to bed. - Even if I were -What? - I'd Be -What?
You wouldn't, please, I know for a fact you
beat it to Indian porn when Emily goes to bed.
- Ok don't act like you're above me.
- It's not fucking other people.
Ok. Hypothetical.
So, a HOT, green eyed Indian
girl walks up to you and
BEGS you to fuck her.
And there was no chance that Emily
would find out. You would not do that?
No.
But you'd Want to right?
Isn't that just as bad?
No it's only bad if you follow through.
Whatever. Whatever.
I mean we're just a bunch of bees trying
to beat Biology. Boom. Case in point.
I will be back.
So.
What is your name sweetheart?
Carrie.
Carrie? Well I'm Rich.
I mean that's my name, although I'm
not struggling financially, so...
You don't remember me do you?
Uh..
Yes.
Of course I remember you. Yea, no,
we hooked up last September right?
And then you told me you loved me, and then your
Grandma died and then I deleted you from my phone.
[Group Clamor]
Oh my. Josh!
[Group Clamor]
Oh my. Josh!
Uh your testicles are in your stomach.
K [Clears Throat] All right. Is there
anything that you can prescribe?
Other than a cocktail of painkillers, no.
You should use plenty of ice,
substain from masturbation and
Elevate the scrotum as often as possible.
What about sex?
Oh I wouldn't reccomend it.
Well what would happen if I did?
Well I can't be sure.
Your insurance wouldn't pay for it. [Laughs]
But seriously, no sex for six weeks.
Pregnancy tests are right over here.
Was there a special one you wanted?
I don't know. Which ones the best?
Well We've got plus-minus,
we've got blue-red.
And we've got crying baby-smiling woman.
- Plus-minus.
- Excuse me?
Plus-minus. Ya know, it's the easiest one to
manipulate if you don't like the results.
Yea but that doesn't get rid of the baby.
Well it will until you start to show.
Plus-minus.
You know it's not for me. It's for my friend. She
was too emabarrased to come here herself, so.
No need to explain.
Well I don't want you to think I'm
this slut who thinks he's pregnant.
Well I don't want you to think I'm some freak
who plays around with pregnancy tests.
Yea how did you know that by the way?
It was part of a prank that we
played on this girl in college.
You turned the negative into a positive?
No a positive into a negative.
And she started to grow, she
had no clue what was going on.
God thats horrible.
Yea and I started to feel guilty when she
took up smoking to deal with the weight gain.
Thats evil.
Yea.
Is that cherry?
Pia Coladas better.
Wow you're a slurpy girl.
Ya know, I thought big glasses,
Caramel Macchiato girl.
- Who says I can't do both?
- Versilte. I like that.
Gilrs gotta get her sugar
from different sources.
In case you should let me buy you a slurpy.
Or a Caramel Macchiato.
- Should I?
- You should.
Throw in a Big Bite hot dog and a bag
of chips, you got yourself a date.
Oh thank heaven.
- I am going to split you in half. All right?
- Oh my God baby.
Should I put my hair in pigtails?
Pigtails? Oh.
I'll take that as a yes.
You know I will not stop for pedestrians.
- Hurry back.
- Okay.
Fuck!
What the hell are you doing?
So sorry. You know I was, actually
I was listening to some rap music.
I just leased this.
Shit. This is bad.
Well I guess I should get your information.
Or we could forget it ever happened.
Who do you mean?
Na. Nothing. I was, I was
just, I was kidding.
Um, you have a pen I can borrow?
- How old are you?
- I'm twenty eight.
- Why?
- Young.
You work out.
- I'm a trainer. Yea.
- Mhm.
My ex husband was so out of shape he couldn't
even go down on me without running out of breath.
You ever work with older women?
Uh, sometimes. Yea.
Do you see results?
A mom, yea.
- I'm gonna grab my insurance.
- Wait.
What's a good exercise for, right here?
Um. You know. Like uh, hip whatevers.
What about, squats?
Sure yea. Those too.
Ever been blown in a luxury SUV?
Not recently.
- Baby!
- Oh. Oh! Wow.
What took you so long?
I got in an accident.
- Oh my God. Are you okay?
- I mean I'm fine.
I'm fine. I mean it was just a fender bender.
And it won't happen again.
- It won't happen again?
- Well
Nothing. Nothing. No no no.
Let's eat. Yea? Yea?
We can eat after.
- Well but I mean I'm really hungry today.
- I know, so am I.
Dinner can wait. I can't.
Oh but please. Don't. Do.
That. [Zipper Unzips]
- Why are there teeth marks on your dick?
- What?
There are teeth marks on your dick.
- What. I. Um.
- Did someone give you a blow job?
Not that I can recall.
Then why are there teeth marks on your dick?
I hit that car pretty hard.
Who's hair is this?
You know what? That looks like,
that looks like a pubic hair.
Nah your pubes are not that long.
Typically yea. But ya know you get
that rogue pube that grows faster
- Than the others.
- It's not even the same color as your head.
Okay. I mean. Who the hell are ya?
- Like Encyclopedia Brown?
- Yes. And this is the case of the missing blow job.
I did not get a blow job okay?
And I would never
Ever cheat on you. Ever. Ever.
Is this a press on nail?
Well that's not good. Shit.
Get out.
- Baby.
- Get out.
- Just come here for a second.
- Touch me and I will chop off your dick.
I mean you don't mean that.
Do you?
Idiot.
Babe.
What the ftt? You have a meat cleaver?
- Who actually owns a meat cleaver?
- Get out. I never, ever
- Wanna see you again.
- Like ever, ever?
Ever.
- Go!
- Okay. Okay. I'm going.
You know, I just want you to know though.
- That I was falling
- Get out!
Oh Shit.
Shit.
Babe.
Could I get my sandwich back?
Jesus.
Again. Are you fucking kidding me Rich?
I mean. But it. Look it was not all my fault.
Ok. I mean this chick. She seduced me.
You could've said no.
Nah. I. Ok. Look.
You try to defeat a boner
when you've got a mouth
staring it down.
I mean it's not as easy as you'd think. Okay?
It's really not.
I don't know. Things just haven't been
the same since Kimmy cheated on me.
Now you're blaming her?
Melissa was right.
What are you talkin' about?
Nothin'.
No no no no. Fuck. tell me what
the fuck you're talkin' about.
This probably isn't the best
time to tell you. But Melissa
She posted some pretty fucked up
things about you on the internet.
Like what?
You're afraid of ghosts. You
like to fart in the shower.
You're a craving man-child
with an inferiority complex
Who refuses to be held accountable
for any of his myriad shortcommings.
I think she used a Thesaurus
on that last one.
- This is online?
- Douchebagassholecheaters.com
I don't understand how you can have
something so special, so great
and throw it away for one fleeting moment.
Doesn't make sense.
Rich would be making low six
figures right now if he didn't
bend me over the conference
table and have his way with me.
Don't get me wrong. I loved it.
But it ruined our office dynamic.
And I had to let him go.
Me and Rich used to be best friends.
Until I walked in on him fucking my mom.
My parents divorced. I
lost sight of my goals.
Now I'm addicted to meth
and I work the three a.m.
Drive through shift at a
fast food restaurant.
In the ghetto.
Kimmy.
Ah. I wish my dick would just leave me alone.
[Screams] [Car Alarm Goes Off]
Josh. Call me. Something, something
terrible has happened man.
You know I don't even know
why I'm leaving a voicemail.
You never check it so all right.
Im, im gonna hang up and
then imma text you. Okay? All right.
Josh? Josh!
You have a collect call from
This is your dick. I'm in an alley downtown.
Do you accept the charges?
Do you accept the charges?
Do you. Accept the charges?
- Yes.
- Hello?
Is this Rich?
- Uh huh.
- Oh thank God.
Whew. I couldn't remember
your number for shit.
- I just got like twenty "No hablo ingls's" before you picked up.
- Uh huh.
Who is this?
It's me. Your penis.
Who is this for real?
It's your penis bitch.
It's your cock, your dick
your pecker, your prick.
I don't beleive you.
Your dick goes missing. Someone calls you up
and tells you he's your dick.
And you don't beleive him?
- My dick is not missing.
- No shit.
He's in an alley on Surmack and State.
All right look. I'm just gonna,
I'm gonna hang up now. Okay?
Becky Wallace. All right look. I'm just
gonna, I'm gonna hang up now. Okay?
Becky Wallace.
What?
Becky Wallace. Your first hand job.
Big girl with hair on her nipples.
A bad case of Rosacea
Surprisingly good.
Knew how to work the tip, ignore the base.
All right. Who the fuck told you that?
Huh? Huh?
In seventh grade you jerked off so
hard you dislocated your shoulder.
You told your parents you hurt
it simulating Mortal Kombat
fatalities with your friends.
Want me to keep going?
You've had Chlamydia twice.
You spray me with Curb Club
before you go out for the night
And. When you're bored
You helicopter me around and make
my hole talk like a little mouth.
- All right that is enough. That's enough.
- Which is embarrasing.
Ok so just stop.
- I don't know what happened.
- Stop.
The last thing I remembered
is dangling between your legs
But then I wake up in an alley
in this morning. Naked.
Like some God damned Terminator.
And now, here I am on a
piss smelling pay-phone
asking you to pretty please pick
me up before the fuckin' cops do.
- You're naked?
- As a poet's soul.
Oh. God.
- You said Surmack and State?
- Yea. Behind the sushi restaurant.
And you're buying me lunch.
Jesus!
Rich. Open the door.
Rich.
Rich. Open the door. Rich. C'mon.
Ho. Thank you. Smelled like a
God damn UTI out there. Hi.
I'm your dick.
You have my eyes.
We are related. Where's that grip I know?
Just kidding. Did you bring the clothes?
You brought your nut shorts?
What?
You jack off in these all the time
because you're too lazy to get tissues.
- Sorry.
- Whatever.
Let's get something to eat.
I am fucking starving.
No?
What?
I mean people don't just
wake up without their dicks.
I guess that makes you a pioneer.
What happened?
You've been blaming me for
a lot of shit lately.
So if I had to hypothesize, I would
say that the universe got pissed off
and decided to tilt the scale against you.
And then they were like
You know what? Fuck that scale. Lets
just give it to him hard and raw.
You don't think I feel the same way?
I used to have my own private utopia. All I had
to think about was napping, pissing and fucking.
Now I'm dealing with hunger and thirst. I'm
pretty sure I have to take my first shit soon.
Oh. The worst part.
Is that I've got my own dick, and
it's not even as big as I was.
Look at this!
I should be able to hang a
basket full of puppies off this.
- Now I think I could barely handle one kitten.
- Put it away. Please.
Breaks my heart. I'm just
saying I better be a grower
Because I'm obviously not a shower.
All right. All right. How do we fix it?
Yea I know. So here's what I've been told.
The next time Mercury aligns with Cancer
at midnight on the next full moon
some sort of vortex is gonna open up and we're just
going to have to go through it together somehow.
All right. All right.
All right. When is the next,
when is the next full moon?
Are you fucking retarded?
I just made that shit up. I
don't know how to reattach.
Shit, Shower, Shave?
Oh. At least now I can tell you how big of a fucking
tool you are for still having a subscription to Maxim.
K. Now keep your core engaged.
Now bring your legs out.
Good job.
I need to talk to you.
I'm in the middle of a session.
- He'll be right back. C'mon
- Ow Rich. What the fuck.
I'm the number four trainer in this company.
It's unacceptable for you to [Screams].
Shit.
What the fuck?
Well my dick is gone.
It looks like an Asian man's armpit.
- What Happened? -I. I don't know. Okay. I woke up this morning
and it wasnt there. And that, that's not even the worst part.
[Zipper Zips]
It's in your ass?
No. No. It is in my apartment.
That's good. You know where it is.
Okay. It's a person.
Fuck. What?
My dick is an asshole.
- He's brown?
- No. White.
- Is he bald?
- No.
- Chubby?
- No.
- Wrinked?
- Would you shut the fuck up?
Okay. I'm sorry.
- What are you gonna do?
- What can I do?
Should I see a doctor maybe?
Hell no.
You'll be the new medical freak dejour.
Kid with two heads. Kid with super strength.
Man with no dick.
If the government doesn't lock you in a lab then the talk shows will snatch
you up. Turn you into a story of triumph that ends in tears of hope.
Shit load of undeserved applause.
You'd be like Carrot Top.
Everyone will want a picture with you. But
no one will want to have sex with you.
Oh no. No no no. No. No!
- Ahh!
- The Fffftt?
K. You ordered a hooker?
Oh no. she's an escort.
All right. And where is she
escorting you to then?
To "Bust a Nut-Ville".
- All right you're gonna have to go.
- Hold on!
- I was so close!
- Now. please. Go.
Thank you.
Damn. Not even a payment dispute.
Oh no I gave her the TV in Rich's room. Super easy. Helped
her load it right into her Scion before things got underway.
Wait. You paid her with,
you paid her with my TV?
Um. Actually think the term is "Bartered".
But, hey. I'm no English major.
Ow! Fuck!
Ow! Ow!
C'mon!
Okay. Listen to me. All right?
If you're gonna stay here you're
gonna have to control yourself.
Yea. Oh. Okay. I'm so sorry dad.
I didn't know I needed your permission
for every little thing that I'm into.
- Okay. A hooker is not a "little" thing. All right?
- [Sighs]
Listen. Okay? I'm trying to adjust right now.
I've never had a body before.
This all new to me. It's. Ho Ho.
What? What?
Oh my God.
I just flexed my calf. A-mazing.
That's really cool. That's cool.
Okay listen. I messed up. I know that. But. What are you, you're not
gonna yell at a toddler, right, for putting his hand on the stove?
No you're gonna coddle him and
you're gonna shower him with love.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I put my hand in the "Pussy Stove".
All right? But right I need your help.
Right? Not your wrath.
Yea. I need to get you back.
Eleven-Eleven. Go!
I wish I had my dick back.
I wish you had me back.
- Oh you're still here.
- Am I even?
[Moaning]
You're all out of cinnamon toast crunch.
Fitness assessment?
Excuse me?
Are you my fitness assessment?
I don't know. I had an appointment at two.
All right. And what time is it now?
- Almost two thirty.
- Yea. No. That's probably me.
Grab your stuff.
So what are your fitness goals?
Do you wanna live a healthy lifestyle? Or do you just wanna lose some fat
around your ass, thighs and midsection for whatever insecure reason?
Uh. Both I guess. Are you
always this up front?
No I'm usually pretty duplicitous. But
I just don't give a fuck anymore.
Yea. I don't feel anything.
You're working your core.
Look. I know you're probably getting paid
smething like five dollars for our time together
But. I'd apreciate it if you assumed I was going to sign
up with you and put forth just like a tiny bit of effort.
Are you going to sign up with me?
Most likely not. Thats why I said "assume".
There you go. You're human afterall.
Yea. Sometimes.
So am I. Which is why I really wanna squeeze into a
size three for my sister's wedding in a couple weeks.
Mhmmm. So that's the insecure reason.
Well if you knew my sister you'd know why.
Is she like, some tiny little
blonde annoying thing?
What are you? Psychic?
No. No. I'm just really good at stereotypes.
Well you nailed it. Shes a human Pomeranian.
Bad.
You gonna kick my ass or what?
Um. Well you buy ten sessions from me and
I'll give you the workout of your life.
Thats extortion.
I'm a personal trainer. It's what I do.
How about I buy five, and I don't tell your
boss that there's vodka in your protein shake?
Yea. No Yea. That's good. Good and fair.
Good.
Whoooee! I'm fuckin' you up!
- Only because you're first player.
- You suck at second player.
Oh. Hey man. We'll pick all this up.
When?
It looks like a freshman dorm in here guys.
After we're finished smoking
this marijuana cigar.
So you're smoking weed now too huh?
That's my fault.
I didn't think it'd be a big deal.
What are you even doing here?
Emily found my Indian porn.
You should put that in your antivirus folder.
Cause that's what Rich does.
- Okay. Five more mintes. All right. And Josh is going home and you will be vaccuming up the blunt guts off of my carpet. Yes.
- No. But that's not enough time!
He's right. That's a Dutch Master. It's gonna take at least
ten minutes to burn. Maybe eight if you wanna get in on it.
Five minutes is good.
And there is one more thing, that I'm, gonna
have to ask you to leave the toilet seat down.
Why? You pissing out of your ass?
Oh Shit.
He's pissing out of his ass.
Look.
We're here for you man. We're gonna do everything
we can to get things back the way they were.
Isn't that right?
Sure.
See?
Doesn't that give you confidence?
Hey bud, Ive been playing
with your dick all day.
- Oh my God! Yea man! Whoa!
- It is so mysterious! Oh. Ah. Ohhhh.
Eh. She can't be older than
twenty three, that kid is seven,
He just doesnt stop.
Wow. Looks like you've got your hands full.
I know a great babysitter. Pretty cheap.
If my dick came to life he'd
probably be a lot more behaved.
There's gotta be something I can do right? Someone I can appease. I
mean, if the universe is keeping score, how the fuck can I earn points?
- Oh my God that's it.
- What's it?
All right. This all started happening after
I screwed things up with Jamie right?
So if I can fix that maybe
I can reverse everything.
Thank you.
Born again Christian bullshit.
Where'd Rich go?
[Doorbell Buzzes] Food's here!
What the fuck?
Uh. We didn't order seven-eleven.
Baby you don't answer the
door like that. Rich.
What are you doing here?
What the hell is this guy doing here?
- Who are you?
- Who are you?
- Delivery for Jamie?
- Yes
Will you get the money baby?
Sure little big penguin girl.
I'm gone for a month and you're
having sex with some like:
- "Hey dude"
- Yea
What did you expect Rich? For me to sit around with
my thumb up my ass lementing what could have been?
We ran out of duck sauce so
I put in extra soy sauce.
Thank you.
Seriously Rich. You let some girl gnaw
on your penis like a number two pencil.
I'm sorry about that. Okay? But I lost
control. And people they lose control.
No animals lose control.
Is he comming back? Cause this
is getting kind of akward.
Chill out Tokyo Drift.
I can say that. I mean we dated. We dated!
- Yo babe.
- Hm?
I'm looking all over your purse
and I cant find your money.
It's in my wallet.
Girls have wallets too?
Blowin' my fuckin' mind right now babe!
Okay. I
- I want to make things better.
- [Laughs]
- Don't laugh.
- That wasn't a laugh. That was an involuntary chest spasm.
- Look. I loved you.
- [Laughs]
- You know if you would just give me another chance.
- No. It's too late for that Rich.
You know, in fact I'm really happy that you fucked
things up. Now I'm having the sex of my life
with a beautiful idiot who cant text without
substituting numbers for words. It's amazing.
I'm sorry. I. Wow. I shouldn't have come.
Enjoy your Generals Chicken.
- It's Broccoli Beef.
Fuck you.
One more. One more.
Do you even know what one more means?
"Baby Penguin Girl". Are you fucking serious?
Look. I know you're going
through some shit right now
But I've had a long day of being nitpicked by my bitch of a boss. So I'd
apreciated it if you could pretty please not be so God damn angsty.
Yes. Yea. No I will try to do that.
Sorry. I didn't mean for
that to come off so harsh.
It's fine. I think I actually needed that.
- You wanna maybe grab some coffee after this?
- Oh.
Um. I don't think that's a good idea.
- I didn't mean it like that.
- How'd you mean it?
Well not like that.
Look. Um. You're an awesome trainer and all.
And. And yea. You're kind of good looking. Um.
I don't think you're my type.
It's just I see the way you walk around here acting all "playery" pretending
to scratch your abs so you can lift up your shirt and show off that
"V" thing you've got going on.
- Sometimes ya know I have an itch.
- Every fourty seconds?
All right. Lets do some trunk twists.
Stand up. C'mon.
Hey. Thanks for the pickup. But can you step on it a little bit?
I've gotta meet up with this chick from OkCupid in like an hour.
And she said to me "Hey. Tonight, if you want, you
can put your P in my V". And I was like "eh."
I'd rather put my C in your C.
Right?
[Brakes Screech]
You get it? That was funny
Oh!
Shit!
- What the fuck is your problem dude?
- What is my problem?
Ya know I put a roof over your head. Ok? I give
you food to eat. And this is how you repay me.
So right now might not be the best
time to ask about getting an iPhone?
No.
- It would be so simple to just add to your family plan.
- No!
Okay. I am not going to put
up with your shit anymore.
Society is not going to put up with your shit.
Okay? You need to straigten up and fly right.
Or you can wander the streets
with the hobos and the teenagers.
You wouldn't kick me out.
Try me. The free ride is over.
- From now on you pay rent.
- [Laughs]
How the hell am I supposed to do that?
Get a job.
Fuck that. Who would even hire me? I've got
enough THC in my blood to resurrect Bob Marley.
You can stand in front of the
hardware store with the illegals.
You're about as much fun as a rubber.
You know that right?
Is anyone gonna hire us?
Mhm.
Fuck this.
Next up is the lovely Shila.
Place your bets. Pink or brown?
Pink.
Uh oh. She's Latina.
This does not bode well for you my friend.
Whoo! Brown. You owe me a beer motherfucker.
Where'd you get all that money?
Oh. You know. Rich's wallet.
You're stealing from Rich?
Actually I consider it more of an allowance.
- Yea I should probably be getting home to Emily.
- She's got you on a pretty short leash huh?
I control the size of my leash.
Oh. Like a big boy. Yea. Good for you.
Yea well have you ever
thought about severing it?
No. I'm happy.
Oh good. So you're having a lot of sex then.
I'm having enough sex.
Okay well no man who's getting his dick wet
on a regular basis ever thinks it's enough.
- You're bored.
- No.
That's it. you're bored. You've had too
many trips to the same watering hole.
Too many times playing that same video game.
- Can we not talk about Emily?
- You're the one who brought her up.
Oh my God. What's your name?
Josh.
Sorry I don't have any money.
Oh. I don't want your money.
What do we have here? A little
uh, slumdog elephant princess?
- I'm Peruvian.
- Okay. Same thing. Less hair.
You should go.
- Please let her stay.
- You're so fucking cute. I don't normally get like this.
- But there's just something about you.
- I shouldn't be doing this.
Of course you should. Feels good right?
Yea.
But I love Emily. My girlfriend.
C'mon. Love is like a space heater.
Yea it's good for a drafty corner
but it's hardly the solution
for an entire room.
C'mon. I know you fantasize about
other women. We all do. It's natural.
So why don't you disarm that
big ticking bomb in your chest
and stop denying yourself the
pleasures that you deserve?
You deserve it baby.
I can't. I can't.
- C'mon.
- I'm sorry.
You're still gonna give me
my three hundred right?
Wait. What? Dude you set this up?
- I prefer the term "Orchestrated".
- Fuck you.
He's not paying me.
Okay. She's jumping to
conclusions on that one. But
Yea she is right. I'm not
paying her shit. So.
Hmmm. You guys have little kid bouncers here?
Let's go out to the playground. That's so weird. Im bigger than
you. I just wanna eat that little nose off your face. Oh yea. Whoo!
He's the Antichrist.
I mean I know he's bad
but he's not Hitler bad.
He could be. If he applied himself.
What happened?
He set me up to cheat on Emily.
You cheated on Emily?
No.
No. Almost did.
He is a persuasive motherfucker.
I'm not blaming him. I won't deny that your dick
could sell dog shit to a freshly mowed lawn. Still.
This is my fuck up.
Wow.
You're a better man than I ever was.
Than I'll ever be.
Rich.
You okay?
Yea. I'm fine.
- Yea. Call me a woman.
- Oh you're a woman.
Tell me I'm a pretty woman. Yea. Yea.
Tell me I look like I lost weight.
Do it!
You look like you've lost weight.
Yea. Do the pledge of allegience.
Say it in an Asian voice.
- I pledge alegience
- Yes Yes!
I. Am. Fucked. You. Right. Now.
It feels good for me and I
don't know how you feel!
You're a spider monkey commin' and
you're at maximum capacity right now.
Yes. Yes.
Whoo!
Rich! What the fuck?
You have two minutes.
To grab your shit and get out of my life.
Whoa whoa whoa. C'mon.
Let's talk about this for a sec.
A minute fifty.
There's no way that was ten seconds.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa. Where
is this comming from?
Is this because I fucked Melissa?
No, it's because you..
You fucked Melissa?
Yea. You didn't give me a big deal. I mean technically
I've already, you know, been inside of her multiple times.
Come on! We're supposed to be friends.
Oh friends. Do you know how many
people I can't talk to because of you?
How many places that I can't go?
No you are not my friend okay?
You have cost me friends.
You didn't have to listen to me.
Grab your shit and get the fuck out of my life or I
will break your head open like a goddamn pinata.
Then you're going to blood all over the floor and then
you're not going to get your security deposit back.
Fine. Get my shit.
Now what?
Trash bags under the sink.
You're not even gonna give me a suitcase?
Fuck you. Fuck you.
I have never liked you.
All those times that you pissed and then you shook me and
put me back inside your underwear and I still leaked
That was just my way of telling
you to just go fuck yourself.
And you're right.
I may have been your Raison D'etre
But I was never your fuckin' friend.
Making that wish is probably the
best decision you've ever made.
No more headaches from
bangin' on your inner thigh,
No more chafed skin from
feature length jack sessions
I'm a fuckin' free man.
And I'm gonna do great things.
So just go ahead and look for me in
the spotlight you fuckin' dick head.
My dick is gone for good. My life is over.
C'mon let's put this shit in perspective.
You're twenty eight.
You've already had more sex than most
men will have their entire lives.
Yea.
And now I'm a Ken doll.
And Ken is always smiling.
You know why?
He doesn't have to deal with the
bullshit that every other man does.
You gotta think about all the time you can devote to other
things now that you don't have to worry about jacking off.
Or hittin' on girls, or cheating on girls
Your life just became a thousand
times less complicated.
You'll be able to get shit done.
Hell you can write the great American novel.
Yea but I don't want to write
the great American novel.
I want my fuckin' dick back.
You don't need him back Rich.
You have a chance to let your heart do
the leading without any interference.
It's like having two angels on
your shoulder instead of one
And a roided up devil.
You're gonna be a better person for it.
You just don't see it yet.
You really think I'll be ok?
I know you will.
Everything happens for a reason.
No don't say that.
I fucking hate it when people say that.
So do I.
Hey come on let's go. Let's go.
It's called a warm up not a beat down.
Here we go. Here we go.
I can increase my resistance on
my own, thank you very much.
You know I liked you a lot better before
you got your Aderal prescription filled.
It's like you're a
completely different person.
No no no. I'm not a person. I'm your
player douchebag personal trainer.
You're not a douchebag.
We're doing legs today.
You're a total douchebag.
So what brought you out of your funk?
Did you meet a girl? Romance her while
watching The Notebook and fell madly in love?
The Notebook? Please. I
am a Princess Bride man.
Uh uh. Inconceivable.
- Not a Notebook fan either. Although...
- Please do not say Ryan Gosling.
Of course Ryan Gosling.
But besides him, that
kissing in the rain scene,
Every girl wants to be kissed in the rain.
Then maybe you should move
to the Pacific Northwest.
Maybe I will.
Seriously though.
Why are you so chipper all of a sudden?
All right well this is
gonna sound cliche, but,
Gah, I was living my life one way and I realized
that I just couldn't live it that way anymore.
Sound like anyone who's ever
been on Behind The Music.
I know right? And I feel like
I've been detoxing hardcore.
From what?
- Women.
- Oh God.
- This isn't some player angle is it?
- No.
God no. I'm not trying to play you.
And I have no alterior motives. I'm not even
gonna to try to get you to go out with me.
Promise. I'm just gonna,
help you reach your fitness goals
in the least creepy way possible.
In that case we should probably
go for a drink tomorow night.
What? Celebrate you being off your period.
- Huh?
- All right. All right.
What were all the conflicts they
taught us during emotion class?
Man vs. Man, Man vs. Supernatural.
Man vs. Nature, Man vs...
- Himself.
- Himself. Right.
It's some tough shit.
Did you get in an accident?
Sure yea. Something like that.
- You clean up nice.
- Oh. Thanks.
There we go. Don't Stop Believin'.
Oh. No. You can't play Don't Stop Believing.
Why not?
Cause. You just can't.
It's a universal bar rule.
I like it though, so...
I like it too. Hm.
Everyone likes it.
Then whats the problem?
Well do you know how many
people play that song?
And then everytime it comes on everyone sings along
but in the back of their mind they're thinking
Gosh. Who is the dickhead that picked this?
Me.
Oh. Wow. Wow.
Wow. Okay yea. Bartenders
are going to hate me now.
- Shut up or I'll play Tiny Dancer.
- Ooo.
I love you so much.
Would you mind if we kissed?
- Doug, stop.
- C'mon just for a second.
- I don't think we should.
- I think it's okay. We try...
- Leave me alone.
- I'm sorry. Look I wasn't trying to hurt
- Who are you?
- Relax. I'm white.
White?
Goin home with Jill huh?
Who's Jill?
J-I-L-L. Jill?
Hey sailor. Hey.
What?
Let me guess. You borrowed your dad's
car, you broke the bank on dinner,
You acted like an all
around gentleman, and now
Here you are wishing you would've
just stayed home and jacked off.
Yea how do you know that?
That's a pain every man knows.
You know, we're all about gettin' it
in, they're all about keepin' it out
That's why bullshit exists, all right?
The greatest trick that a woman can ever
pull is making a man think he's in love.
That's how they gain control.
Okay? You want my advice?
Remain cold.
Remain cold?
Yea. Exactly. If she doesn't put out you go find someone
who will. Because someone will. With a face like that
Biceps like those,
All right?
- Okay. [Laughs]
- I'll tell you right now, handholds and kisses,
They're not worth time or money.
Now. Get the fuck out of the
car because I'm stealing it.
Uh, yea.
Uh what about that guy who puts his
whole mouth on the water fountain?
Oh the one with the uh, the camo bandana
- and has the
- Highly original barbed wire tattoo?
Exactly. I can't fuckin' stand that guy.
I mean you could like a dot
to dot with his bachne.
Thats probably the most
discusting thing I've ever heard.
You know what? Most girls that look
like you, they're not usually..
Funny? Intelligent? Witty?
I wasn't gonna say any of those things.
Well yea. I wasn't always
this effortlessly beautiful
Effortlessly?
I was that um,
awkward, chubby alternative
girl in high school with the
bad skin and the pink
rubber bands on her braces.
Okay. Did you write the names of your favorite
bands on your backpack with a whiteout pen?
How did you know?
Did the same thing. Eighth grade when
I was going through my skater phase.
- You were a skater?
- Oh hell yea.
Rocked the Jnco's and everything.
Wow. I just, I had you pegged for the homecomming
king with the blonde cheerleader girlfriend.
Uh, that was senior year.
Ok yea no never mind, I was right.
Actually you know what? I was
in a five year relationship.
Believe it or not. This girl, Kimmy, and
Wow, I even thought we were
gonna get married but,
What happened?
Um, she cheated on me.
If it's any consolation, I've been
cheated on like, a dozen times.
Yea no, It's probably the
worst feeling in the world.
To know that the person that you love
Thought someone else was better.
I just like to think that they had shitty
taste, and that I was the exception.
Like that guy at the bar over there.
Don't look.
I'm gonna look and pretend I'm looking
past him at something else entirely.
Ok. Be discreet.
Yea. No he saw me lookin' right at him.
We had like, a moment even.
Did you see what he was drinking?
Bud Light?
Bud Ice. I know right?
He's been sucking them back like there is no tomorrow. Except
for his last beer. His last beer was an expensive micro brew.
That's what we are. We're
the expensive micro brews.
That one beer that people have, don't apreciate,
and then dump to go back to drinking cheap beer.
Does that mean that we suck? No. It just
means that we are not for everyone.
Someone will come along.
Make us the only thing they drink.
So. I had a good time.
So did I.
You know I'm only doing this
to get free sessions right?
Oh no, I know. Your not gettin' em but it
was, gosh, it was an inspired attempt.
So.
I mean should we hug?
Or what?
I don't know. I don't know.
Shake hands maybe?
Do something to say goodbye?
Oh like say goodbye?
Yea no, that works.
We could friend hug.
You know one good squeeze and then a pat.
Squeeze and pat? Perfect yea.
Yea. Suck that. Keep it consistent.
Yea, don't stop. Oh wait. No.
No fancy tongue shit. No.
What happened? You went limp.
Totally wasn't a friend hug.
Where is that piece of shit?
Baby I love you okay?
Oh shit.
So listen I was getting some head last night and
I felt something I havent felt for a while.
You know that, warm feeling where you
care less about sex and more about love?
So here's your job right now. You need to answer: Is
our dickless friend puppy doggin' it with someone?
Hm? What? Oh shit.
Did I hit you too hard?
Ah I guess I'm gonna have to
go straight to the source.
This is not good.
He says he can feel you.
Well, Good. Good. I hope I'm distracting
him as much as he used to distract me.
I dunno man. I think you set
him off with that girl.
You think he's losin' power or somethin'?
I haven't been fucked up in a parking lot
since I tried to pursue a career in MMA.
Whatever it is, he's pissed.
He deserves it. All right?
You were right. I'm better off without him.
What are we doing?
It's a surprise.
If this is a surprise, I'm
surprised it sucks so much.
- I'm just kidding.
- No. I know. It's not that.
What is it?
I can't tell you.
Cmon. You hit like a baby kangaroo.
All right. So you know how you always, you kow how you said
you, always wanted to kiss in the rain? Well Weather.com said,
Should be raining, right now.
You brought us out here to kiss in the rain?
No not kiss. Make out passionately.
I don't know what to say.
Well you could say, uh, Fuck you weather.com
- Hey whats wrong?
- Nah. Nothing. Why?
It's just that guys usually don't pull
away when girls take off their pants.
I just, you know, I wanna
take things slow. That's all.
I'm sorry, I..
I'm not ready.
This is Lindsay, again.
Look, I don't know what the hell is going
on but this is really fuckin' lame.
- Maybe he had an outbreak.
- That's gross.
Well why else would he reject you? A guy turning down sex is
like a dog turning down chocolate. It just doesn't happen.
He said he wasn't ready.
Seriously? That's our line. That's not his.
If he's not calling you back, screw him.
You can do a lot better than a personal
trainer. There's like billions of them.
- It's just I wanted to take him to my sister's
wedding too, and - Katie Cambell, is that you?
Oh my god it's been years.
- Excuse me?
- Oh my God.
I'm so sorry. I thought you were
one of my classmates from Oxford.
Nah. I went to school here in state.
I feel even stupider now because I just
realized that you guys look nothing alike.
You're much prettier than she was.
She's single.
Oh. Really? I mean, maybe I should stick
around and flirt a little bit then.
- I'm just kidding, um, not really
- Would you like to join us?
- Yea. If um,
- Linday.
If Lindsay doesn't object.
Please.
So. Is that Lindsay with an
A, or Lindsay with an E?
A.
I knew it. A Lindsays always put E
Lindsays to shame. That's a fact.
I'm R.P. by the way.
Hi.
- Hi I'm Samantha.
- Samantha?
- Yea.
Why aren't you gorgeous?
So what do you do R.P?
Actually, kind of a, kind of a mouthful. Um,
I am the international coordinator
for a number of charities worldwide.
Oh wow. Do you have a favorite?
They're all equally rewarding,
I'd say in their own way. But
We did just do a pants drive
for the torso foundation.
I've not heard of that one.
It's a charity. It's for people that have
lost the lower halves of their bodies.
Boating accidents and tumors. Stray
cables in amusement park rides. But,
Watching them come together and donate their
old pants really puts things in perspective.
Ya know. Maybe I'm sappy but
I guess you don't need a pair of legs
to walk a mile in someone else's pants.
Anyway I feel stupid. I have a confession.
There is no Katie Cambell. I didn't know
how to come over and say hi to you.
I'm sorry.
Oh you lied because you were nervous? That
is so cute. Isn't that so cute Lindsay?
Yes I do love an honest liar.
Wow. If you let me take you out to dinner
I'd lie to you all night. Honestly.
All right. So Lindsay, I don't know how
to tell you this but, My penis is gone.
Penis is M.I.A.
My penis is gone on definite haitus.
Hello?
Whaddup Kid?
What do you want?
You can't say whaddup back?
Whaddup?
Oh you know just gettin'
more ass than gay Latin men.
Haven't you felt it?
Uh no I haven't.
Oh that's wierd because I've been
feeling you getting all lovey dovey
- I figured you'd be feelin' me gettin' all bust a nutty.
- What do you want?
I was gonna call and invite
you to dinner tomorrow night.
I'm gonna be down at the Bougie Fondue place down
in Armitige. Ya know it looks pretty low key but
Kind of expensive.
Sorry I'm gonna have to pass on that.
You're not gonna wanna do that.
- And why is that?
- Ahh there in lies the fun.
You're just gonna have to trust that I've
got something mind blowing for your ass.
You're probably gonna wanna
put it in your memoirs.
And don't even think about not showing up because I
will make your life suck harder than the W.N.B.A.
I'll make sure the whole world knows
you're packin' a blank canvas.
You wouldn't.
Uhh. Actually, yea I would.
So holla back bitch.
I haven't told you how
beautiful you look tonight.
Thank you.
Don't thank me. I said
that I haven't told you.
Do you know why?
Why?
Because I can't find the words to
express how beautiful you look.
Um, you know you don't need to spit game,
I'm already having dinner with you.
I'm not spitting game. I am just like
Grenade launching it everywhere I can.
Like me. Please.
You're kind of a dork you kow that?
- Is that a bad thing? Or
- No
Not at all. It's better
than not being a dork.
I'm kind of a late bloomer. Kind
of comes with the territory.
So I'm gonna run to the bathroom.
And then when I come back
I will be initiating
light contact. Just wanna warn you.
And it might come from under the table.
Oh my God. Rich?
What? No. No no no no no no.
You stay the fuck away from her okay?
I'm sorry do I know you?
- Don't play that shit with me. I am not scared of you.
- Rich.
What are you doing here?
He told me to come.
I have never seen this guy in my life.
Bull shit. Bull shit.
Bull shit okay. He is my...
Your what?
Your what?
Nothin'. Nothing.
- No. What were you you going to say?
- Yea what?
Nothin'. He's my doppleganger.
Oh that's really sad. I've
heard about a mental illness
Shut up okay. Lindsay, you
have to listen to me okay?
You want to stay away from this guy. He's
[Gasping]
- Oh shit.
- Oh my God.
That guy had no dick.
Wow. Very odd.
- Sorry about everything that happened tonight.
- Don't be. It's not your fault.
I just can't believe that he had nothing down there. I mean
do you think that it's like a birth defect or a cancer thing?
Don't know.
Why would the bus boy just
pull down his pants like that?
I think bus boys just have a
sixth sense about bad people.
You kow? Kind of like animals.
Is something going on between you two?
I don't know whats going on.
I mean obviously I have no idea
what happened between you two
I'm guessing it has something to do with the fact that
he's got an anchor for sale and he's batshit crazy but
It's not my business. I'm not one to judge.
I just don't wanna interfere
with anything so...
If you want me to back off
I totally understand.
No. It's fine.
You sure? I like you.
Sorry, sounds like a,
Wanna go on a picnic this saturday?
Can't. My sister's getting married.
Oh no shit. Well congratulations to her.
- Open bar?
- Oh yea.
Nice. You know no government recognized life long
commitment is complete without copious amounts of alcohol.
Tell me about it.
Do you maybe wanna come with me?
What? Like be your date?
Oh not at all.
I'll be buzzed and flirting with you, with the romantic
backdrop of a wedding? Of course I wanna go with you.
- Fuck a picnic.
- Great.
- See you Saturday then?
- Saturday it is.
Oh I'm sorry.
No that's okay. I know it's not me.
My confidence is still intact.
So I'll just be handsome for you on Saturday?
Who is that? Is that.. Gotcha anyway.
Hello it's Lindsay. [Laughs] Just kidding.
Leave a message. Not here.
Two hundred and seventy nine missed calls.
That's a new stalker record.
- Give me back my phone.
- No I won't.
I'm holding onto this for your own good. Cause the
sooner that psycho is out of your life the better.
- He's not a psycho.
- Lindsay he doesn't have a dick.
He could be Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys circa
1999 and I'd still be like: Kick him to the curb.
You can't be with somebody that
you can't have sex with. All right?
He doesn't have a dick.
Lindsay?
No, but I did make her face look
like a Cinnabun last night.
You mother fucker.
Where are you?
I am at a payphone somewhere.
Actually I don't know how I
keep finding these things.
- Where's Lindsay?
- Oh.
Don't worry about her. She's home
safe right now. She's recovering.
So that uh, That birthmark on her
right hip, that didn't bother you?
Nope. Reverse side cowgirl. All night.
Didn't have to see one deformity.
Yea ya know she doesn't have a birthmark.
Oh. Ok. Fine. great. You got me.
But you're still a bitch. And
she's still an inevitability.
We're going to a wedding
this weekend together.
Weddings are pretty condusive to penetration.
Are you really calling me just to talk shit?
Right. I just can't call and talk shit?
I thought you knew me better than that.
But no. I called to tell you that girlfriends
are for guys who can't get pussy.
And you're just trying to blow up right now because
you're no longer a force on the fuck circuit.
So I suggest that you don't or I will find whoever you
fall for and I tear them up like a losing scratch off.
Save yourself some pain,
and uh, call it a life.
Hello?
Hi. I was just calling to say
that I just found your dog Rusty.
Are you serious? Thank heaven. Baby!
They found Rusty. They got Rusty!
I'm just fucking with you guys. I don't
know where the hell your dog is.
I don't think this is a battle you can win.
Drian said the exact same thing to Rocky
Right before he fought Drago.
Rocky's a retard.
- He blocks with his head.
- Rocky has heart.
So did Rudy and everyone knew not
to give that motherfucker a chance.
Look. This isn't about me anymore okay.
This is about Lindsay.
And I will be God damned if I let
my dick have his way with her.
How are you going to stop him?
Well...
No. No Rich. I am not getting involved.
Not.
God damn it. Why are you so charming?
I'm having a great time with you.
Oh. I'm having fun too. I was
worried it might be a little weird.
Yea. I sense that. But all that
matters is you're having a good time.
By the way I've got a wonderful
evening planned for us.
You have an evening planned for us?
Yea no. We're gonna be leaving here
shitfaced. But regardless I thought
It'd be nice to ride high on
the sentiment of the day.
That, and I have a giant
middle school crush on you.
Proper girl in the hat just
eye fucked the shit outta me.
Do not quote Wedding Crashers.
We're crashing a wedding.
- Why can't I quote Wedding Crashers?
- Because. It's played out.
Oh hey. This is my uncle Bob.
Oh. It's a pleasure.
- My aunt Judy.
- Judy. Very lovely. Bob you dog.
This is my little cousin Gabby.
Oh. Well hello there. Gabby.
Wow.
Aren't you gonna be hot when you get older.
Please remember me?
Yea. She still beleives in Santa.
Who want's more champagne?
Right there. There they are.
All right. Did you bring it?
It's right here.
What would I do without you?
Hey I'm gonna get some, hit the, head.
Um, is what I meant to say. You good?
Excuse me, could you slip this
to that girl right over there?
Um. Excuse me.
But do I look like a fucking messenger?
"Meet me at Schiller's Statue."
Oh. What the fuck is this?
Oh no wait. Let me guess.
You want to get her alone
So you can profess your undying love for her
And then steal her away
from the guy she's with.
Oh that is so fucking original, really.
And you know what though? I really don't wanna
be a part of that. So I'm gonna tell you what.
Judging from your behavior, you seem like a major creeper, which
is probably why she doesn't wanna be with you. And you know what?
I wouldn't want to be with you either,
and you are normally my type.
But I'm gonna tell you something. I'm not gonna
tell on you cause that is bad, fucking, karma.
But I am gonna strongly suggest, that you
sir, get outta here. Thank you. So much.
Wow.
Excuse me.
Could you hand this to that
girl right over there?
Sure.
Excuse me Miss. This is for you.
Thank you.
Please. Don't freak out.
I can't promise anything.
I know I'm in no position to explain
myself and I'm not even gonna try.
Okay? I just came here because I want
to show you something, and that is all.
And you look fabulous in
that dress by the way.
Thanks.
I have a good trainer.
Yes you do. All right. Right here.
Damn girl. You shouldn't be eye fucking the shit
outta me if you're gonna make me work like this.
- What the hell is this?
- Lindsay.
Rich?
I guess you do know me.
This isn't what it looks like.
If it looks like he was all over me trying to get
me to blow him, then yea it is what it looks like.
Please don't say that again.
I'm sorry. You're the one
who made me do this.
Rich is lucky I love him so much.
- Thank you Emily.
- You're welcome Rich.
I'm taking you home and
bathing you in Pine Sol.
I was drinking. She started comming onto me. I was telling her
to stop. I was pushing her away and she just kept comming at me.
He set this up.
Excuses. Excuses.
Lindsay, please.
It's gonna be like that?
No. No. No.
I can't let you guys get all toughy feely.
Oh. Hey officer. We're fine.
- Let go of me you asshole.
- You forgot to say please.
There's a bomb strapped to us.
There's a bomb.
The cake always gets destroyed baby.
Don't act surprised.
Help!
We're just role playing.
There's no need to be alarmed.
No ones gonna help you.
Why are you doing this?
What? You don't like being kidnapped?
I'm messing with you.
Me and Rich. We go together
like corn-rows and crime.
Unfortunately that pesky little heart
of his could fuck up my very existence.
So it goes down to the whole Darwinian thing
I was hoping you'd fall for me but since it's not looking
like we're gonna be smelling each other's farts anytime soon,
I'm just gonna amke sure
you don't fall for Rich.
And I think it's hard to fall for someone
if you're falling off a building.
[Screams]
Did anyone see a girl being kidnapped?
This part of the role playing too?
No it's not, roleplaying.
- God. You're not the lightest thing are you?
- I'm a size three. Asshole.
Where? Old Navy?
It's a pity things didn't work out.
Tonight was gonna be amazing.
I was gonna cuddle you and love you and romance you and then stretch
you. Hope I get a refund on that room. Fingers crossed right?
All right. Where'd she go? Where'd she go?
Where'd she go?
There she is. There she is.
Stay the fuck away from me.
Just come look at the view with me please.
Oh. Fuck. [Laughing]
Whoo. That was so fuckin' meta.
Ah. Shit. You Again.
You're like gum on a fuckin' shoe.
You need to stay away from her.
Why? So you guys can just go ride off into
the sunset and grind your crotches together?
- Eh, I don't think so.
- You're getting weaker.
Aren't you? I mean thats
why you just, you can't
Leave us alone?
Wow. You are so brilliant.
You fuckin' cracked the code man.
What the hell are you talking about?
He is, he's not, my doppleganger. Okay? He...
He's my penis.
Don't think about it too hard darling. It's
Pretty complicated.
- No nope no no no.
- Look, I'm not leaving without her.
Oh ok well uh, then you're not leaving.
Hey you wanna know why I am who
I am and he is who he isn't?
Because he can't behave himself.
He's cheated on every single
girlfriend that he's ever had.
- That is not true.
- Oh. Okay.
How about I tell a little story then. So...
Rich dated this girl Kimmy
for about what, five years?
She was perfect actually. Anyway she took a heavy
shit on his heart by sleeping with somebody else
Which is... actually pretty sad huh?
Except, he cheated, on her.
A few times.
And nobody knew it. Not even his
little fuckin, butt body Josh.
And then he likes to blame
their failure on her cold ways
when the reality is that he was
fucking around, the whole time.
Look. Things are gonna be different.
Haven't you figured it out yet Rich?
As long as I'm here,
It's always gonna be the same.
No. It's not.
Okay. I blamed you for a
lot of things in the past.
Okay I made excuses. But
I am stronger than you.
Okay It's my fault for never saying no.
I mean, I was a shitty person. Simple
as that. And I know, I know I can't
Be with her and give her what she needs,
and that sucks, and it hurts. But,
That's not what this is about.
This is about,
Keeping her away from someone like you.
- Well let's test that resolve.
- Let's.
Is that all you've got? You used
to jerk me off harder than that.
You got short legs. You can't do it.
I've got long legs.
Oh okay. Whoa.
All right. Game changer.
A little cyanide? Good yea. Right
now is a perfect time to end it.
No this is for erectile dysfunction.
You gonna stiffen me up?
That's not gonna work.
We're about to find out. Okay?
It's that gun that's just out of reach.
Here you wanna graze it? Here you go.
Just give it a little graze
with those fingertips.
Yea. Oh great.
Now we gotta wait an hour and a
half for them to take effect.
These are one fifties.
Yea.
Whew. Yea. They are good.
I feel fucking good.
You gettin' fucked up son.
Remember me? Bitch slap, bitch
slap, bitch slap, pimp pimp.
I like you better when
you're a damsel in distress.
Whew. Where's he gonna go?
[Screaming] No. Wait. Please.
Get up please.
Probably shouldn't have my back to him.
Can you do me a solid and let
me know if he's commin' up?
Fuck you.
Oh thank you.
Oh. You wanna go another round?
Okay.
I win.
We got him.
Here we go folks. Got you a little blanket.
Oh thank you. It's like
70 degrees out here so,
we don't need a blanket.
Thank you for saving me.
Sure yea. I mean I'm gonna have to bill ya
for a few extra training sessions. But,
Shut up.
All right look.
So, I know, that I'm not
all there, so to speak.
But,
Hey. I wanna make it work too.
Yea?
What?
Rich.
Oh my God. What? Oh yes!
Oh I own you bitch.
Where's the perp?
He's gone. He vanished. Like Yoda.
He did a slow fade into nothin'?
No. Just the blink of the eye.
Ok then it's not like Yoda.
Because Yoda faded away.
Right.
Oh, my god.
Sorry.
- Really?
- Sorry. Sorry.
Yea. All right look. Wow. Now that he's back,
Okay.
I can't promise that, I won't look. But,
I can promise one hundred
percent, that I will be good.
I'll just have to keep you occupied then.
Yea. Works.
AH
OK
Wow
- You like that baby? - Oh I love it.
Oh Yea?
Yea?
Oh Shit!
Not what it looks like babe.
You're fucking my sister?
[Sighs]
You piece of shit!
Baby. Baby!
Don't "Baby" me.
I thought you loved me.
I do.
AH!
Oh, my God.
Hi, Mrs. LeFebre.
What happened to your purity ring?
Oh!
I found it earlier.
Oh, dear God.
Look, Melissa, I am sorry.
I really am.
Oh, don't you touch her!
Okay. Okay.
I'm just going to grab
my things I'm gonna go.
Uh... [Bell Dings]
My underwear. My underwear?
Um, don't. I don't need it.
I mean, I feel horrible.
I genuinley, actually, liked her.
I mean we could talk, we could laugh,
We cuddle. I mean we even
hated the same people.
It's always nice when you
hate the same people.
Is't it though? It's just not fun when you feel
like you're being judged for judging someone else.
Me and Emily made fun of an
albino midget the other day.
It was wrong, but romantic.
I envy you guys.
Then stop fuckin' up a good thing.
This is the third relationship
you've ruined in the last year.
My DICK. The third relationship
my DICK has ruined.
You can't control your dick?
It's like babysitting a
nine year old with A.D.D.
I mean you try your best until
he just wears you down.
Then you just give him whatever the hell
he wants until his parents come home.
But. But! His parents never come home.
I can control mine.
Not to be a dick, but,
You're not presented with as many
"Ass Getting" opportunities as I am.
- Even if I were -What? - I'd Be -What?
You wouldn't, please, I know for a fact you beat it to Indian porn
when Emily goes to bed. - Even if I were -What? - I'd Be -What?
You wouldn't, please, I know for a fact you
beat it to Indian porn when Emily goes to bed.
- Ok don't act like you're above me.
- It's not fucking other people.
Ok. Hypothetical.
So, a HOT, green eyed Indian
girl walks up to you and
BEGS you to fuck her.
And there was no chance that Emily
would find out. You would not do that?
No.
But you'd Want to right?
Isn't that just as bad?
No it's only bad if you follow through.
Whatever. Whatever.
I mean we're just a bunch of bees trying
to beat Biology. Boom. Case in point.
I will be back.
So.
What is your name sweetheart?
Carrie.
Carrie? Well I'm Rich.
I mean that's my name, although I'm
not struggling financially, so...
You don't remember me do you?
Uh..
Yes.
Of course I remember you. Yea, no,
we hooked up last September right?
And then you told me you loved me, and then your
Grandma died and then I deleted you from my phone.
[Group Clamor]
Oh my. Josh!
[Group Clamor]
Oh my. Josh!
Uh your testicles are in your stomach.
K [Clears Throat] All right. Is there
anything that you can prescribe?
Other than a cocktail of painkillers, no.
You should use plenty of ice,
substain from masturbation and
Elevate the scrotum as often as possible.
What about sex?
Oh I wouldn't reccomend it.
Well what would happen if I did?
Well I can't be sure.
Your insurance wouldn't pay for it. [Laughs]
But seriously, no sex for six weeks.
Pregnancy tests are right over here.
Was there a special one you wanted?
I don't know. Which ones the best?
Well We've got plus-minus,
we've got blue-red.
And we've got crying baby-smiling woman.
- Plus-minus.
- Excuse me?
Plus-minus. Ya know, it's the easiest one to
manipulate if you don't like the results.
Yea but that doesn't get rid of the baby.
Well it will until you start to show.
Plus-minus.
You know it's not for me. It's for my friend. She
was too emabarrased to come here herself, so.
No need to explain.
Well I don't want you to think I'm
this slut who thinks he's pregnant.
Well I don't want you to think I'm some freak
who plays around with pregnancy tests.
Yea how did you know that by the way?
It was part of a prank that we
played on this girl in college.
You turned the negative into a positive?
No a positive into a negative.
And she started to grow, she
had no clue what was going on.
God thats horrible.
Yea and I started to feel guilty when she
took up smoking to deal with the weight gain.
Thats evil.
Yea.
Is that cherry?
Pia Coladas better.
Wow you're a slurpy girl.
Ya know, I thought big glasses,
Caramel Macchiato girl.
- Who says I can't do both?
- Versilte. I like that.
Gilrs gotta get her sugar
from different sources.
In case you should let me buy you a slurpy.
Or a Caramel Macchiato.
- Should I?
- You should.
Throw in a Big Bite hot dog and a bag
of chips, you got yourself a date.
Oh thank heaven.
- I am going to split you in half. All right?
- Oh my God baby.
Should I put my hair in pigtails?
Pigtails? Oh.
I'll take that as a yes.
You know I will not stop for pedestrians.
- Hurry back.
- Okay.
Fuck!
What the hell are you doing?
So sorry. You know I was, actually
I was listening to some rap music.
I just leased this.
Shit. This is bad.
Well I guess I should get your information.
Or we could forget it ever happened.
Who do you mean?
Na. Nothing. I was, I was
just, I was kidding.
Um, you have a pen I can borrow?
- How old are you?
- I'm twenty eight.
- Why?
- Young.
You work out.
- I'm a trainer. Yea.
- Mhm.
My ex husband was so out of shape he couldn't
even go down on me without running out of breath.
You ever work with older women?
Uh, sometimes. Yea.
Do you see results?
A mom, yea.
- I'm gonna grab my insurance.
- Wait.
What's a good exercise for, right here?
Um. You know. Like uh, hip whatevers.
What about, squats?
Sure yea. Those too.
Ever been blown in a luxury SUV?
Not recently.
- Baby!
- Oh. Oh! Wow.
What took you so long?
I got in an accident.
- Oh my God. Are you okay?
- I mean I'm fine.
I'm fine. I mean it was just a fender bender.
And it won't happen again.
- It won't happen again?
- Well
Nothing. Nothing. No no no.
Let's eat. Yea? Yea?
We can eat after.
- Well but I mean I'm really hungry today.
- I know, so am I.
Dinner can wait. I can't.
Oh but please. Don't. Do.
That. [Zipper Unzips]
- Why are there teeth marks on your dick?
- What?
There are teeth marks on your dick.
- What. I. Um.
- Did someone give you a blow job?
Not that I can recall.
Then why are there teeth marks on your dick?
I hit that car pretty hard.
Who's hair is this?
You know what? That looks like,
that looks like a pubic hair.
Nah your pubes are not that long.
Typically yea. But ya know you get
that rogue pube that grows faster
- Than the others.
- It's not even the same color as your head.
Okay. I mean. Who the hell are ya?
- Like Encyclopedia Brown?
- Yes. And this is the case of the missing blow job.
I did not get a blow job okay?
And I would never
Ever cheat on you. Ever. Ever.
Is this a press on nail?
Well that's not good. Shit.
Get out.
- Baby.
- Get out.
- Just come here for a second.
- Touch me and I will chop off your dick.
I mean you don't mean that.
Do you?
Idiot.
Babe.
What the ftt? You have a meat cleaver?
- Who actually owns a meat cleaver?
- Get out. I never, ever
- Wanna see you again.
- Like ever, ever?
Ever.
- Go!
- Okay. Okay. I'm going.
You know, I just want you to know though.
- That I was falling
- Get out!
Oh Shit.
Shit.
Babe.
Could I get my sandwich back?
Jesus.
Again. Are you fucking kidding me Rich?
I mean. But it. Look it was not all my fault.
Ok. I mean this chick. She seduced me.
You could've said no.
Nah. I. Ok. Look.
You try to defeat a boner
when you've got a mouth
staring it down.
I mean it's not as easy as you'd think. Okay?
It's really not.
I don't know. Things just haven't been
the same since Kimmy cheated on me.
Now you're blaming her?
Melissa was right.
What are you talkin' about?
Nothin'.
No no no no. Fuck. tell me what
the fuck you're talkin' about.
This probably isn't the best
time to tell you. But Melissa
She posted some pretty fucked up
things about you on the internet.
Like what?
You're afraid of ghosts. You
like to fart in the shower.
You're a craving man-child
with an inferiority complex
Who refuses to be held accountable
for any of his myriad shortcommings.
I think she used a Thesaurus
on that last one.
- This is online?
- Douchebagassholecheaters.com
I don't understand how you can have
something so special, so great
and throw it away for one fleeting moment.
Doesn't make sense.
Rich would be making low six
figures right now if he didn't
bend me over the conference
table and have his way with me.
Don't get me wrong. I loved it.
But it ruined our office dynamic.
And I had to let him go.
Me and Rich used to be best friends.
Until I walked in on him fucking my mom.
My parents divorced. I
lost sight of my goals.
Now I'm addicted to meth
and I work the three a.m.
Drive through shift at a
fast food restaurant.
In the ghetto.
Kimmy.
Ah. I wish my dick would just leave me alone.
[Screams] [Car Alarm Goes Off]
Josh. Call me. Something, something
terrible has happened man.
You know I don't even know
why I'm leaving a voicemail.
You never check it so all right.
Im, im gonna hang up and
then imma text you. Okay? All right.
Josh? Josh!
You have a collect call from
This is your dick. I'm in an alley downtown.
Do you accept the charges?
Do you accept the charges?
Do you. Accept the charges?
- Yes.
- Hello?
Is this Rich?
- Uh huh.
- Oh thank God.
Whew. I couldn't remember
your number for shit.
- I just got like twenty "No hablo ingls's" before you picked up.
- Uh huh.
Who is this?
It's me. Your penis.
Who is this for real?
It's your penis bitch.
It's your cock, your dick
your pecker, your prick.
I don't beleive you.
Your dick goes missing. Someone calls you up
and tells you he's your dick.
And you don't beleive him?
- My dick is not missing.
- No shit.
He's in an alley on Surmack and State.
All right look. I'm just gonna,
I'm gonna hang up now. Okay?
Becky Wallace. All right look. I'm just
gonna, I'm gonna hang up now. Okay?
Becky Wallace.
What?
Becky Wallace. Your first hand job.
Big girl with hair on her nipples.
A bad case of Rosacea
Surprisingly good.
Knew how to work the tip, ignore the base.
All right. Who the fuck told you that?
Huh? Huh?
In seventh grade you jerked off so
hard you dislocated your shoulder.
You told your parents you hurt
it simulating Mortal Kombat
fatalities with your friends.
Want me to keep going?
You've had Chlamydia twice.
You spray me with Curb Club
before you go out for the night
And. When you're bored
You helicopter me around and make
my hole talk like a little mouth.
- All right that is enough. That's enough.
- Which is embarrasing.
Ok so just stop.
- I don't know what happened.
- Stop.
The last thing I remembered
is dangling between your legs
But then I wake up in an alley
in this morning. Naked.
Like some God damned Terminator.
And now, here I am on a
piss smelling pay-phone
asking you to pretty please pick
me up before the fuckin' cops do.
- You're naked?
- As a poet's soul.
Oh. God.
- You said Surmack and State?
- Yea. Behind the sushi restaurant.
And you're buying me lunch.
Jesus!
Rich. Open the door.
Rich.
Rich. Open the door. Rich. C'mon.
Ho. Thank you. Smelled like a
God damn UTI out there. Hi.
I'm your dick.
You have my eyes.
We are related. Where's that grip I know?
Just kidding. Did you bring the clothes?
You brought your nut shorts?
What?
You jack off in these all the time
because you're too lazy to get tissues.
- Sorry.
- Whatever.
Let's get something to eat.
I am fucking starving.
No?
What?
I mean people don't just
wake up without their dicks.
I guess that makes you a pioneer.
What happened?
You've been blaming me for
a lot of shit lately.
So if I had to hypothesize, I would
say that the universe got pissed off
and decided to tilt the scale against you.
And then they were like
You know what? Fuck that scale. Lets
just give it to him hard and raw.
You don't think I feel the same way?
I used to have my own private utopia. All I had
to think about was napping, pissing and fucking.
Now I'm dealing with hunger and thirst. I'm
pretty sure I have to take my first shit soon.
Oh. The worst part.
Is that I've got my own dick, and
it's not even as big as I was.
Look at this!
I should be able to hang a
basket full of puppies off this.
- Now I think I could barely handle one kitten.
- Put it away. Please.
Breaks my heart. I'm just
saying I better be a grower
Because I'm obviously not a shower.
All right. All right. How do we fix it?
Yea I know. So here's what I've been told.
The next time Mercury aligns with Cancer
at midnight on the next full moon
some sort of vortex is gonna open up and we're just
going to have to go through it together somehow.
All right. All right.
All right. When is the next,
when is the next full moon?
Are you fucking retarded?
I just made that shit up. I
don't know how to reattach.
Shit, Shower, Shave?
Oh. At least now I can tell you how big of a fucking
tool you are for still having a subscription to Maxim.
K. Now keep your core engaged.
Now bring your legs out.
Good job.
I need to talk to you.
I'm in the middle of a session.
- He'll be right back. C'mon
- Ow Rich. What the fuck.
I'm the number four trainer in this company.
It's unacceptable for you to [Screams].
Shit.
What the fuck?
Well my dick is gone.
It looks like an Asian man's armpit.
- What Happened? -I. I don't know. Okay. I woke up this morning
and it wasnt there. And that, that's not even the worst part.
[Zipper Zips]
It's in your ass?
No. No. It is in my apartment.
That's good. You know where it is.
Okay. It's a person.
Fuck. What?
My dick is an asshole.
- He's brown?
- No. White.
- Is he bald?
- No.
- Chubby?
- No.
- Wrinked?
- Would you shut the fuck up?
Okay. I'm sorry.
- What are you gonna do?
- What can I do?
Should I see a doctor maybe?
Hell no.
You'll be the new medical freak dejour.
Kid with two heads. Kid with super strength.
Man with no dick.
If the government doesn't lock you in a lab then the talk shows will snatch
you up. Turn you into a story of triumph that ends in tears of hope.
Shit load of undeserved applause.
You'd be like Carrot Top.
Everyone will want a picture with you. But
no one will want to have sex with you.
Oh no. No no no. No. No!
- Ahh!
- The Fffftt?
K. You ordered a hooker?
Oh no. she's an escort.
All right. And where is she
escorting you to then?
To "Bust a Nut-Ville".
- All right you're gonna have to go.
- Hold on!
- I was so close!
- Now. please. Go.
Thank you.
Damn. Not even a payment dispute.
Oh no I gave her the TV in Rich's room. Super easy. Helped
her load it right into her Scion before things got underway.
Wait. You paid her with,
you paid her with my TV?
Um. Actually think the term is "Bartered".
But, hey. I'm no English major.
Ow! Fuck!
Ow! Ow!
C'mon!
Okay. Listen to me. All right?
If you're gonna stay here you're
gonna have to control yourself.
Yea. Oh. Okay. I'm so sorry dad.
I didn't know I needed your permission
for every little thing that I'm into.
- Okay. A hooker is not a "little" thing. All right?
- [Sighs]
Listen. Okay? I'm trying to adjust right now.
I've never had a body before.
This all new to me. It's. Ho Ho.
What? What?
Oh my God.
I just flexed my calf. A-mazing.
That's really cool. That's cool.
Okay listen. I messed up. I know that. But. What are you, you're not
gonna yell at a toddler, right, for putting his hand on the stove?
No you're gonna coddle him and
you're gonna shower him with love.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I put my hand in the "Pussy Stove".
All right? But right I need your help.
Right? Not your wrath.
Yea. I need to get you back.
Eleven-Eleven. Go!
I wish I had my dick back.
I wish you had me back.
- Oh you're still here.
- Am I even?
[Moaning]
You're all out of cinnamon toast crunch.
Fitness assessment?
Excuse me?
Are you my fitness assessment?
I don't know. I had an appointment at two.
All right. And what time is it now?
- Almost two thirty.
- Yea. No. That's probably me.
Grab your stuff.
So what are your fitness goals?
Do you wanna live a healthy lifestyle? Or do you just wanna lose some fat
around your ass, thighs and midsection for whatever insecure reason?
Uh. Both I guess. Are you
always this up front?
No I'm usually pretty duplicitous. But
I just don't give a fuck anymore.
Yea. I don't feel anything.
You're working your core.
Look. I know you're probably getting paid
smething like five dollars for our time together
But. I'd apreciate it if you assumed I was going to sign
up with you and put forth just like a tiny bit of effort.
Are you going to sign up with me?
Most likely not. Thats why I said "assume".
There you go. You're human afterall.
Yea. Sometimes.
So am I. Which is why I really wanna squeeze into a
size three for my sister's wedding in a couple weeks.
Mhmmm. So that's the insecure reason.
Well if you knew my sister you'd know why.
Is she like, some tiny little
blonde annoying thing?
What are you? Psychic?
No. No. I'm just really good at stereotypes.
Well you nailed it. Shes a human Pomeranian.
Bad.
You gonna kick my ass or what?
Um. Well you buy ten sessions from me and
I'll give you the workout of your life.
Thats extortion.
I'm a personal trainer. It's what I do.
How about I buy five, and I don't tell your
boss that there's vodka in your protein shake?
Yea. No Yea. That's good. Good and fair.
Good.
Whoooee! I'm fuckin' you up!
- Only because you're first player.
- You suck at second player.
Oh. Hey man. We'll pick all this up.
When?
It looks like a freshman dorm in here guys.
After we're finished smoking
this marijuana cigar.
So you're smoking weed now too huh?
That's my fault.
I didn't think it'd be a big deal.
What are you even doing here?
Emily found my Indian porn.
You should put that in your antivirus folder.
Cause that's what Rich does.
- Okay. Five more mintes. All right. And Josh is going home and you will be vaccuming up the blunt guts off of my carpet. Yes.
- No. But that's not enough time!
He's right. That's a Dutch Master. It's gonna take at least
ten minutes to burn. Maybe eight if you wanna get in on it.
Five minutes is good.
And there is one more thing, that I'm, gonna
have to ask you to leave the toilet seat down.
Why? You pissing out of your ass?
Oh Shit.
He's pissing out of his ass.
Look.
We're here for you man. We're gonna do everything
we can to get things back the way they were.
Isn't that right?
Sure.
See?
Doesn't that give you confidence?
Hey bud, Ive been playing
with your dick all day.
- Oh my God! Yea man! Whoa!
- It is so mysterious! Oh. Ah. Ohhhh.
Eh. She can't be older than
twenty three, that kid is seven,
He just doesnt stop.
Wow. Looks like you've got your hands full.
I know a great babysitter. Pretty cheap.
If my dick came to life he'd
probably be a lot more behaved.
There's gotta be something I can do right? Someone I can appease. I
mean, if the universe is keeping score, how the fuck can I earn points?
- Oh my God that's it.
- What's it?
All right. This all started happening after
I screwed things up with Jamie right?
So if I can fix that maybe
I can reverse everything.
Thank you.
Born again Christian bullshit.
Where'd Rich go?
[Doorbell Buzzes] Food's here!
What the fuck?
Uh. We didn't order seven-eleven.
Baby you don't answer the
door like that. Rich.
What are you doing here?
What the hell is this guy doing here?
- Who are you?
- Who are you?
- Delivery for Jamie?
- Yes
Will you get the money baby?
Sure little big penguin girl.
I'm gone for a month and you're
having sex with some like:
- "Hey dude"
- Yea
What did you expect Rich? For me to sit around with
my thumb up my ass lementing what could have been?
We ran out of duck sauce so
I put in extra soy sauce.
Thank you.
Seriously Rich. You let some girl gnaw
on your penis like a number two pencil.
I'm sorry about that. Okay? But I lost
control. And people they lose control.
No animals lose control.
Is he comming back? Cause this
is getting kind of akward.
Chill out Tokyo Drift.
I can say that. I mean we dated. We dated!
- Yo babe.
- Hm?
I'm looking all over your purse
and I cant find your money.
It's in my wallet.
Girls have wallets too?
Blowin' my fuckin' mind right now babe!
Okay. I
- I want to make things better.
- [Laughs]
- Don't laugh.
- That wasn't a laugh. That was an involuntary chest spasm.
- Look. I loved you.
- [Laughs]
- You know if you would just give me another chance.
- No. It's too late for that Rich.
You know, in fact I'm really happy that you fucked
things up. Now I'm having the sex of my life
with a beautiful idiot who cant text without
substituting numbers for words. It's amazing.
I'm sorry. I. Wow. I shouldn't have come.
Enjoy your Generals Chicken.
- It's Broccoli Beef.
Fuck you.
One more. One more.
Do you even know what one more means?
"Baby Penguin Girl". Are you fucking serious?
Look. I know you're going
through some shit right now
But I've had a long day of being nitpicked by my bitch of a boss. So I'd
apreciated it if you could pretty please not be so God damn angsty.
Yes. Yea. No I will try to do that.
Sorry. I didn't mean for
that to come off so harsh.
It's fine. I think I actually needed that.
- You wanna maybe grab some coffee after this?
- Oh.
Um. I don't think that's a good idea.
- I didn't mean it like that.
- How'd you mean it?
Well not like that.
Look. Um. You're an awesome trainer and all.
And. And yea. You're kind of good looking. Um.
I don't think you're my type.
It's just I see the way you walk around here acting all "playery" pretending
to scratch your abs so you can lift up your shirt and show off that
"V" thing you've got going on.
- Sometimes ya know I have an itch.
- Every fourty seconds?
All right. Lets do some trunk twists.
Stand up. C'mon.
Hey. Thanks for the pickup. But can you step on it a little bit?
I've gotta meet up with this chick from OkCupid in like an hour.
And she said to me "Hey. Tonight, if you want, you
can put your P in my V". And I was like "eh."
I'd rather put my C in your C.
Right?
[Brakes Screech]
You get it? That was funny
Oh!
Shit!
- What the fuck is your problem dude?
- What is my problem?
Ya know I put a roof over your head. Ok? I give
you food to eat. And this is how you repay me.
So right now might not be the best
time to ask about getting an iPhone?
No.
- It would be so simple to just add to your family plan.
- No!
Okay. I am not going to put
up with your shit anymore.
Society is not going to put up with your shit.
Okay? You need to straigten up and fly right.
Or you can wander the streets
with the hobos and the teenagers.
You wouldn't kick me out.
Try me. The free ride is over.
- From now on you pay rent.
- [Laughs]
How the hell am I supposed to do that?
Get a job.
Fuck that. Who would even hire me? I've got
enough THC in my blood to resurrect Bob Marley.
You can stand in front of the
hardware store with the illegals.
You're about as much fun as a rubber.
You know that right?
Is anyone gonna hire us?
Mhm.
Fuck this.
Next up is the lovely Shila.
Place your bets. Pink or brown?
Pink.
Uh oh. She's Latina.
This does not bode well for you my friend.
Whoo! Brown. You owe me a beer motherfucker.
Where'd you get all that money?
Oh. You know. Rich's wallet.
You're stealing from Rich?
Actually I consider it more of an allowance.
- Yea I should probably be getting home to Emily.
- She's got you on a pretty short leash huh?
I control the size of my leash.
Oh. Like a big boy. Yea. Good for you.
Yea well have you ever
thought about severing it?
No. I'm happy.
Oh good. So you're having a lot of sex then.
I'm having enough sex.
Okay well no man who's getting his dick wet
on a regular basis ever thinks it's enough.
- You're bored.
- No.
That's it. you're bored. You've had too
many trips to the same watering hole.
Too many times playing that same video game.
- Can we not talk about Emily?
- You're the one who brought her up.
Oh my God. What's your name?
Josh.
Sorry I don't have any money.
Oh. I don't want your money.
What do we have here? A little
uh, slumdog elephant princess?
- I'm Peruvian.
- Okay. Same thing. Less hair.
You should go.
- Please let her stay.
- You're so fucking cute. I don't normally get like this.
- But there's just something about you.
- I shouldn't be doing this.
Of course you should. Feels good right?
Yea.
But I love Emily. My girlfriend.
C'mon. Love is like a space heater.
Yea it's good for a drafty corner
but it's hardly the solution
for an entire room.
C'mon. I know you fantasize about
other women. We all do. It's natural.
So why don't you disarm that
big ticking bomb in your chest
and stop denying yourself the
pleasures that you deserve?
You deserve it baby.
I can't. I can't.
- C'mon.
- I'm sorry.
You're still gonna give me
my three hundred right?
Wait. What? Dude you set this up?
- I prefer the term "Orchestrated".
- Fuck you.
He's not paying me.
Okay. She's jumping to
conclusions on that one. But
Yea she is right. I'm not
paying her shit. So.
Hmmm. You guys have little kid bouncers here?
Let's go out to the playground. That's so weird. Im bigger than
you. I just wanna eat that little nose off your face. Oh yea. Whoo!
He's the Antichrist.
I mean I know he's bad
but he's not Hitler bad.
He could be. If he applied himself.
What happened?
He set me up to cheat on Emily.
You cheated on Emily?
No.
No. Almost did.
He is a persuasive motherfucker.
I'm not blaming him. I won't deny that your dick
could sell dog shit to a freshly mowed lawn. Still.
This is my fuck up.
Wow.
You're a better man than I ever was.
Than I'll ever be.
Rich.
You okay?
Yea. I'm fine.
- Yea. Call me a woman.
- Oh you're a woman.
Tell me I'm a pretty woman. Yea. Yea.
Tell me I look like I lost weight.
Do it!
You look like you've lost weight.
Yea. Do the pledge of allegience.
Say it in an Asian voice.
- I pledge alegience
- Yes Yes!
I. Am. Fucked. You. Right. Now.
It feels good for me and I
don't know how you feel!
You're a spider monkey commin' and
you're at maximum capacity right now.
Yes. Yes.
Whoo!
Rich! What the fuck?
You have two minutes.
To grab your shit and get out of my life.
Whoa whoa whoa. C'mon.
Let's talk about this for a sec.
A minute fifty.
There's no way that was ten seconds.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa. Where
is this comming from?
Is this because I fucked Melissa?
No, it's because you..
You fucked Melissa?
Yea. You didn't give me a big deal. I mean technically
I've already, you know, been inside of her multiple times.
Come on! We're supposed to be friends.
Oh friends. Do you know how many
people I can't talk to because of you?
How many places that I can't go?
No you are not my friend okay?
You have cost me friends.
You didn't have to listen to me.
Grab your shit and get the fuck out of my life or I
will break your head open like a goddamn pinata.
Then you're going to blood all over the floor and then
you're not going to get your security deposit back.
Fine. Get my shit.
Now what?
Trash bags under the sink.
You're not even gonna give me a suitcase?
Fuck you. Fuck you.
I have never liked you.
All those times that you pissed and then you shook me and
put me back inside your underwear and I still leaked
That was just my way of telling
you to just go fuck yourself.
And you're right.
I may have been your Raison D'etre
But I was never your fuckin' friend.
Making that wish is probably the
best decision you've ever made.
No more headaches from
bangin' on your inner thigh,
No more chafed skin from
feature length jack sessions
I'm a fuckin' free man.
And I'm gonna do great things.
So just go ahead and look for me in
the spotlight you fuckin' dick head.
My dick is gone for good. My life is over.
C'mon let's put this shit in perspective.
You're twenty eight.
You've already had more sex than most
men will have their entire lives.
Yea.
And now I'm a Ken doll.
And Ken is always smiling.
You know why?
He doesn't have to deal with the
bullshit that every other man does.
You gotta think about all the time you can devote to other
things now that you don't have to worry about jacking off.
Or hittin' on girls, or cheating on girls
Your life just became a thousand
times less complicated.
You'll be able to get shit done.
Hell you can write the great American novel.
Yea but I don't want to write
the great American novel.
I want my fuckin' dick back.
You don't need him back Rich.
You have a chance to let your heart do
the leading without any interference.
It's like having two angels on
your shoulder instead of one
And a roided up devil.
You're gonna be a better person for it.
You just don't see it yet.
You really think I'll be ok?
I know you will.
Everything happens for a reason.
No don't say that.
I fucking hate it when people say that.
So do I.
Hey come on let's go. Let's go.
It's called a warm up not a beat down.
Here we go. Here we go.
I can increase my resistance on
my own, thank you very much.
You know I liked you a lot better before
you got your Aderal prescription filled.
It's like you're a
completely different person.
No no no. I'm not a person. I'm your
player douchebag personal trainer.
You're not a douchebag.
We're doing legs today.
You're a total douchebag.
So what brought you out of your funk?
Did you meet a girl? Romance her while
watching The Notebook and fell madly in love?
The Notebook? Please. I
am a Princess Bride man.
Uh uh. Inconceivable.
- Not a Notebook fan either. Although...
- Please do not say Ryan Gosling.
Of course Ryan Gosling.
But besides him, that
kissing in the rain scene,
Every girl wants to be kissed in the rain.
Then maybe you should move
to the Pacific Northwest.
Maybe I will.
Seriously though.
Why are you so chipper all of a sudden?
All right well this is
gonna sound cliche, but,
Gah, I was living my life one way and I realized
that I just couldn't live it that way anymore.
Sound like anyone who's ever
been on Behind The Music.
I know right? And I feel like
I've been detoxing hardcore.
From what?
- Women.
- Oh God.
- This isn't some player angle is it?
- No.
God no. I'm not trying to play you.
And I have no alterior motives. I'm not even
gonna to try to get you to go out with me.
Promise. I'm just gonna,
help you reach your fitness goals
in the least creepy way possible.
In that case we should probably
go for a drink tomorow night.
What? Celebrate you being off your period.
- Huh?
- All right. All right.
What were all the conflicts they
taught us during emotion class?
Man vs. Man, Man vs. Supernatural.
Man vs. Nature, Man vs...
- Himself.
- Himself. Right.
It's some tough shit.
Did you get in an accident?
Sure yea. Something like that.
- You clean up nice.
- Oh. Thanks.
There we go. Don't Stop Believin'.
Oh. No. You can't play Don't Stop Believing.
Why not?
Cause. You just can't.
It's a universal bar rule.
I like it though, so...
I like it too. Hm.
Everyone likes it.
Then whats the problem?
Well do you know how many
people play that song?
And then everytime it comes on everyone sings along
but in the back of their mind they're thinking
Gosh. Who is the dickhead that picked this?
Me.
Oh. Wow. Wow.
Wow. Okay yea. Bartenders
are going to hate me now.
- Shut up or I'll play Tiny Dancer.
- Ooo.
I love you so much.
Would you mind if we kissed?
- Doug, stop.
- C'mon just for a second.
- I don't think we should.
- I think it's okay. We try...
- Leave me alone.
- I'm sorry. Look I wasn't trying to hurt
- Who are you?
- Relax. I'm white.
White?
Goin home with Jill huh?
Who's Jill?
J-I-L-L. Jill?
Hey sailor. Hey.
What?
Let me guess. You borrowed your dad's
car, you broke the bank on dinner,
You acted like an all
around gentleman, and now
Here you are wishing you would've
just stayed home and jacked off.
Yea how do you know that?
That's a pain every man knows.
You know, we're all about gettin' it
in, they're all about keepin' it out
That's why bullshit exists, all right?
The greatest trick that a woman can ever
pull is making a man think he's in love.
That's how they gain control.
Okay? You want my advice?
Remain cold.
Remain cold?
Yea. Exactly. If she doesn't put out you go find someone
who will. Because someone will. With a face like that
Biceps like those,
All right?
- Okay. [Laughs]
- I'll tell you right now, handholds and kisses,
They're not worth time or money.
Now. Get the fuck out of the
car because I'm stealing it.
Uh, yea.
Uh what about that guy who puts his
whole mouth on the water fountain?
Oh the one with the uh, the camo bandana
- and has the
- Highly original barbed wire tattoo?
Exactly. I can't fuckin' stand that guy.
I mean you could like a dot
to dot with his bachne.
Thats probably the most
discusting thing I've ever heard.
You know what? Most girls that look
like you, they're not usually..
Funny? Intelligent? Witty?
I wasn't gonna say any of those things.
Well yea. I wasn't always
this effortlessly beautiful
Effortlessly?
I was that um,
awkward, chubby alternative
girl in high school with the
bad skin and the pink
rubber bands on her braces.
Okay. Did you write the names of your favorite
bands on your backpack with a whiteout pen?
How did you know?
Did the same thing. Eighth grade when
I was going through my skater phase.
- You were a skater?
- Oh hell yea.
Rocked the Jnco's and everything.
Wow. I just, I had you pegged for the homecomming
king with the blonde cheerleader girlfriend.
Uh, that was senior year.
Ok yea no never mind, I was right.
Actually you know what? I was
in a five year relationship.
Believe it or not. This girl, Kimmy, and
Wow, I even thought we were
gonna get married but,
What happened?
Um, she cheated on me.
If it's any consolation, I've been
cheated on like, a dozen times.
Yea no, It's probably the
worst feeling in the world.
To know that the person that you love
Thought someone else was better.
I just like to think that they had shitty
taste, and that I was the exception.
Like that guy at the bar over there.
Don't look.
I'm gonna look and pretend I'm looking
past him at something else entirely.
Ok. Be discreet.
Yea. No he saw me lookin' right at him.
We had like, a moment even.
Did you see what he was drinking?
Bud Light?
Bud Ice. I know right?
He's been sucking them back like there is no tomorrow. Except
for his last beer. His last beer was an expensive micro brew.
That's what we are. We're
the expensive micro brews.
That one beer that people have, don't apreciate,
and then dump to go back to drinking cheap beer.
Does that mean that we suck? No. It just
means that we are not for everyone.
Someone will come along.
Make us the only thing they drink.
So. I had a good time.
So did I.
You know I'm only doing this
to get free sessions right?
Oh no, I know. Your not gettin' em but it
was, gosh, it was an inspired attempt.
So.
I mean should we hug?
Or what?
I don't know. I don't know.
Shake hands maybe?
Do something to say goodbye?
Oh like say goodbye?
Yea no, that works.
We could friend hug.
You know one good squeeze and then a pat.
Squeeze and pat? Perfect yea.
Yea. Suck that. Keep it consistent.
Yea, don't stop. Oh wait. No.
No fancy tongue shit. No.
What happened? You went limp.
Totally wasn't a friend hug.
Where is that piece of shit?
Baby I love you okay?
Oh shit.
So listen I was getting some head last night and
I felt something I havent felt for a while.
You know that, warm feeling where you
care less about sex and more about love?
So here's your job right now. You need to answer: Is
our dickless friend puppy doggin' it with someone?
Hm? What? Oh shit.
Did I hit you too hard?
Ah I guess I'm gonna have to
go straight to the source.
This is not good.
He says he can feel you.
Well, Good. Good. I hope I'm distracting
him as much as he used to distract me.
I dunno man. I think you set
him off with that girl.
You think he's losin' power or somethin'?
I haven't been fucked up in a parking lot
since I tried to pursue a career in MMA.
Whatever it is, he's pissed.
He deserves it. All right?
You were right. I'm better off without him.
What are we doing?
It's a surprise.
If this is a surprise, I'm
surprised it sucks so much.
- I'm just kidding.
- No. I know. It's not that.
What is it?
I can't tell you.
Cmon. You hit like a baby kangaroo.
All right. So you know how you always, you kow how you said
you, always wanted to kiss in the rain? Well Weather.com said,
Should be raining, right now.
You brought us out here to kiss in the rain?
No not kiss. Make out passionately.
I don't know what to say.
Well you could say, uh, Fuck you weather.com
- Hey whats wrong?
- Nah. Nothing. Why?
It's just that guys usually don't pull
away when girls take off their pants.
I just, you know, I wanna
take things slow. That's all.
I'm sorry, I..
I'm not ready.
This is Lindsay, again.
Look, I don't know what the hell is going
on but this is really fuckin' lame.
- Maybe he had an outbreak.
- That's gross.
Well why else would he reject you? A guy turning down sex is
like a dog turning down chocolate. It just doesn't happen.
He said he wasn't ready.
Seriously? That's our line. That's not his.
If he's not calling you back, screw him.
You can do a lot better than a personal
trainer. There's like billions of them.
- It's just I wanted to take him to my sister's
wedding too, and - Katie Cambell, is that you?
Oh my god it's been years.
- Excuse me?
- Oh my God.
I'm so sorry. I thought you were
one of my classmates from Oxford.
Nah. I went to school here in state.
I feel even stupider now because I just
realized that you guys look nothing alike.
You're much prettier than she was.
She's single.
Oh. Really? I mean, maybe I should stick
around and flirt a little bit then.
- I'm just kidding, um, not really
- Would you like to join us?
- Yea. If um,
- Linday.
If Lindsay doesn't object.
Please.
So. Is that Lindsay with an
A, or Lindsay with an E?
A.
I knew it. A Lindsays always put E
Lindsays to shame. That's a fact.
I'm R.P. by the way.
Hi.
- Hi I'm Samantha.
- Samantha?
- Yea.
Why aren't you gorgeous?
So what do you do R.P?
Actually, kind of a, kind of a mouthful. Um,
I am the international coordinator
for a number of charities worldwide.
Oh wow. Do you have a favorite?
They're all equally rewarding,
I'd say in their own way. But
We did just do a pants drive
for the torso foundation.
I've not heard of that one.
It's a charity. It's for people that have
lost the lower halves of their bodies.
Boating accidents and tumors. Stray
cables in amusement park rides. But,
Watching them come together and donate their
old pants really puts things in perspective.
Ya know. Maybe I'm sappy but
I guess you don't need a pair of legs
to walk a mile in someone else's pants.
Anyway I feel stupid. I have a confession.
There is no Katie Cambell. I didn't know
how to come over and say hi to you.
I'm sorry.
Oh you lied because you were nervous? That
is so cute. Isn't that so cute Lindsay?
Yes I do love an honest liar.
Wow. If you let me take you out to dinner
I'd lie to you all night. Honestly.
All right. So Lindsay, I don't know how
to tell you this but, My penis is gone.
Penis is M.I.A.
My penis is gone on definite haitus.
Hello?
Whaddup Kid?
What do you want?
You can't say whaddup back?
Whaddup?
Oh you know just gettin'
more ass than gay Latin men.
Haven't you felt it?
Uh no I haven't.
Oh that's wierd because I've been
feeling you getting all lovey dovey
- I figured you'd be feelin' me gettin' all bust a nutty.
- What do you want?
I was gonna call and invite
you to dinner tomorrow night.
I'm gonna be down at the Bougie Fondue place down
in Armitige. Ya know it looks pretty low key but
Kind of expensive.
Sorry I'm gonna have to pass on that.
You're not gonna wanna do that.
- And why is that?
- Ahh there in lies the fun.
You're just gonna have to trust that I've
got something mind blowing for your ass.
You're probably gonna wanna
put it in your memoirs.
And don't even think about not showing up because I
will make your life suck harder than the W.N.B.A.
I'll make sure the whole world knows
you're packin' a blank canvas.
You wouldn't.
Uhh. Actually, yea I would.
So holla back bitch.
I haven't told you how
beautiful you look tonight.
Thank you.
Don't thank me. I said
that I haven't told you.
Do you know why?
Why?
Because I can't find the words to
express how beautiful you look.
Um, you know you don't need to spit game,
I'm already having dinner with you.
I'm not spitting game. I am just like
Grenade launching it everywhere I can.
Like me. Please.
You're kind of a dork you kow that?
- Is that a bad thing? Or
- No
Not at all. It's better
than not being a dork.
I'm kind of a late bloomer. Kind
of comes with the territory.
So I'm gonna run to the bathroom.
And then when I come back
I will be initiating
light contact. Just wanna warn you.
And it might come from under the table.
Oh my God. Rich?
What? No. No no no no no no.
You stay the fuck away from her okay?
I'm sorry do I know you?
- Don't play that shit with me. I am not scared of you.
- Rich.
What are you doing here?
He told me to come.
I have never seen this guy in my life.
Bull shit. Bull shit.
Bull shit okay. He is my...
Your what?
Your what?
Nothin'. Nothing.
- No. What were you you going to say?
- Yea what?
Nothin'. He's my doppleganger.
Oh that's really sad. I've
heard about a mental illness
Shut up okay. Lindsay, you
have to listen to me okay?
You want to stay away from this guy. He's
[Gasping]
- Oh shit.
- Oh my God.
That guy had no dick.
Wow. Very odd.
- Sorry about everything that happened tonight.
- Don't be. It's not your fault.
I just can't believe that he had nothing down there. I mean
do you think that it's like a birth defect or a cancer thing?
Don't know.
Why would the bus boy just
pull down his pants like that?
I think bus boys just have a
sixth sense about bad people.
You kow? Kind of like animals.
Is something going on between you two?
I don't know whats going on.
I mean obviously I have no idea
what happened between you two
I'm guessing it has something to do with the fact that
he's got an anchor for sale and he's batshit crazy but
It's not my business. I'm not one to judge.
I just don't wanna interfere
with anything so...
If you want me to back off
I totally understand.
No. It's fine.
You sure? I like you.
Sorry, sounds like a,
Wanna go on a picnic this saturday?
Can't. My sister's getting married.
Oh no shit. Well congratulations to her.
- Open bar?
- Oh yea.
Nice. You know no government recognized life long
commitment is complete without copious amounts of alcohol.
Tell me about it.
Do you maybe wanna come with me?
What? Like be your date?
Oh not at all.
I'll be buzzed and flirting with you, with the romantic
backdrop of a wedding? Of course I wanna go with you.
- Fuck a picnic.
- Great.
- See you Saturday then?
- Saturday it is.
Oh I'm sorry.
No that's okay. I know it's not me.
My confidence is still intact.
So I'll just be handsome for you on Saturday?
Who is that? Is that.. Gotcha anyway.
Hello it's Lindsay. [Laughs] Just kidding.
Leave a message. Not here.
Two hundred and seventy nine missed calls.
That's a new stalker record.
- Give me back my phone.
- No I won't.
I'm holding onto this for your own good. Cause the
sooner that psycho is out of your life the better.
- He's not a psycho.
- Lindsay he doesn't have a dick.
He could be Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys circa
1999 and I'd still be like: Kick him to the curb.
You can't be with somebody that
you can't have sex with. All right?
He doesn't have a dick.
Lindsay?
No, but I did make her face look
like a Cinnabun last night.
You mother fucker.
Where are you?
I am at a payphone somewhere.
Actually I don't know how I
keep finding these things.
- Where's Lindsay?
- Oh.
Don't worry about her. She's home
safe right now. She's recovering.
So that uh, That birthmark on her
right hip, that didn't bother you?
Nope. Reverse side cowgirl. All night.
Didn't have to see one deformity.
Yea ya know she doesn't have a birthmark.
Oh. Ok. Fine. great. You got me.
But you're still a bitch. And
she's still an inevitability.
We're going to a wedding
this weekend together.
Weddings are pretty condusive to penetration.
Are you really calling me just to talk shit?
Right. I just can't call and talk shit?
I thought you knew me better than that.
But no. I called to tell you that girlfriends
are for guys who can't get pussy.
And you're just trying to blow up right now because
you're no longer a force on the fuck circuit.
So I suggest that you don't or I will find whoever you
fall for and I tear them up like a losing scratch off.
Save yourself some pain,
and uh, call it a life.
Hello?
Hi. I was just calling to say
that I just found your dog Rusty.
Are you serious? Thank heaven. Baby!
They found Rusty. They got Rusty!
I'm just fucking with you guys. I don't
know where the hell your dog is.
I don't think this is a battle you can win.
Drian said the exact same thing to Rocky
Right before he fought Drago.
Rocky's a retard.
- He blocks with his head.
- Rocky has heart.
So did Rudy and everyone knew not
to give that motherfucker a chance.
Look. This isn't about me anymore okay.
This is about Lindsay.
And I will be God damned if I let
my dick have his way with her.
How are you going to stop him?
Well...
No. No Rich. I am not getting involved.
Not.
God damn it. Why are you so charming?
I'm having a great time with you.
Oh. I'm having fun too. I was
worried it might be a little weird.
Yea. I sense that. But all that
matters is you're having a good time.
By the way I've got a wonderful
evening planned for us.
You have an evening planned for us?
Yea no. We're gonna be leaving here
shitfaced. But regardless I thought
It'd be nice to ride high on
the sentiment of the day.
That, and I have a giant
middle school crush on you.
Proper girl in the hat just
eye fucked the shit outta me.
Do not quote Wedding Crashers.
We're crashing a wedding.
- Why can't I quote Wedding Crashers?
- Because. It's played out.
Oh hey. This is my uncle Bob.
Oh. It's a pleasure.
- My aunt Judy.
- Judy. Very lovely. Bob you dog.
This is my little cousin Gabby.
Oh. Well hello there. Gabby.
Wow.
Aren't you gonna be hot when you get older.
Please remember me?
Yea. She still beleives in Santa.
Who want's more champagne?
Right there. There they are.
All right. Did you bring it?
It's right here.
What would I do without you?
Hey I'm gonna get some, hit the, head.
Um, is what I meant to say. You good?
Excuse me, could you slip this
to that girl right over there?
Um. Excuse me.
But do I look like a fucking messenger?
"Meet me at Schiller's Statue."
Oh. What the fuck is this?
Oh no wait. Let me guess.
You want to get her alone
So you can profess your undying love for her
And then steal her away
from the guy she's with.
Oh that is so fucking original, really.
And you know what though? I really don't wanna
be a part of that. So I'm gonna tell you what.
Judging from your behavior, you seem like a major creeper, which
is probably why she doesn't wanna be with you. And you know what?
I wouldn't want to be with you either,
and you are normally my type.
But I'm gonna tell you something. I'm not gonna
tell on you cause that is bad, fucking, karma.
But I am gonna strongly suggest, that you
sir, get outta here. Thank you. So much.
Wow.
Excuse me.
Could you hand this to that
girl right over there?
Sure.
Excuse me Miss. This is for you.
Thank you.
Please. Don't freak out.
I can't promise anything.
I know I'm in no position to explain
myself and I'm not even gonna try.
Okay? I just came here because I want
to show you something, and that is all.
And you look fabulous in
that dress by the way.
Thanks.
I have a good trainer.
Yes you do. All right. Right here.
Damn girl. You shouldn't be eye fucking the shit
outta me if you're gonna make me work like this.
- What the hell is this?
- Lindsay.
Rich?
I guess you do know me.
This isn't what it looks like.
If it looks like he was all over me trying to get
me to blow him, then yea it is what it looks like.
Please don't say that again.
I'm sorry. You're the one
who made me do this.
Rich is lucky I love him so much.
- Thank you Emily.
- You're welcome Rich.
I'm taking you home and
bathing you in Pine Sol.
I was drinking. She started comming onto me. I was telling her
to stop. I was pushing her away and she just kept comming at me.
He set this up.
Excuses. Excuses.
Lindsay, please.
It's gonna be like that?
No. No. No.
I can't let you guys get all toughy feely.
Oh. Hey officer. We're fine.
- Let go of me you asshole.
- You forgot to say please.
There's a bomb strapped to us.
There's a bomb.
The cake always gets destroyed baby.
Don't act surprised.
Help!
We're just role playing.
There's no need to be alarmed.
No ones gonna help you.
Why are you doing this?
What? You don't like being kidnapped?
I'm messing with you.
Me and Rich. We go together
like corn-rows and crime.
Unfortunately that pesky little heart
of his could fuck up my very existence.
So it goes down to the whole Darwinian thing
I was hoping you'd fall for me but since it's not looking
like we're gonna be smelling each other's farts anytime soon,
I'm just gonna amke sure
you don't fall for Rich.
And I think it's hard to fall for someone
if you're falling off a building.
[Screams]
Did anyone see a girl being kidnapped?
This part of the role playing too?
No it's not, roleplaying.
- God. You're not the lightest thing are you?
- I'm a size three. Asshole.
Where? Old Navy?
It's a pity things didn't work out.
Tonight was gonna be amazing.
I was gonna cuddle you and love you and romance you and then stretch
you. Hope I get a refund on that room. Fingers crossed right?
All right. Where'd she go? Where'd she go?
Where'd she go?
There she is. There she is.
Stay the fuck away from me.
Just come look at the view with me please.
Oh. Fuck. [Laughing]
Whoo. That was so fuckin' meta.
Ah. Shit. You Again.
You're like gum on a fuckin' shoe.
You need to stay away from her.
Why? So you guys can just go ride off into
the sunset and grind your crotches together?
- Eh, I don't think so.
- You're getting weaker.
Aren't you? I mean thats
why you just, you can't
Leave us alone?
Wow. You are so brilliant.
You fuckin' cracked the code man.
What the hell are you talking about?
He is, he's not, my doppleganger. Okay? He...
He's my penis.
Don't think about it too hard darling. It's
Pretty complicated.
- No nope no no no.
- Look, I'm not leaving without her.
Oh ok well uh, then you're not leaving.
Hey you wanna know why I am who
I am and he is who he isn't?
Because he can't behave himself.
He's cheated on every single
girlfriend that he's ever had.
- That is not true.
- Oh. Okay.
How about I tell a little story then. So...
Rich dated this girl Kimmy
for about what, five years?
She was perfect actually. Anyway she took a heavy
shit on his heart by sleeping with somebody else
Which is... actually pretty sad huh?
Except, he cheated, on her.
A few times.
And nobody knew it. Not even his
little fuckin, butt body Josh.
And then he likes to blame
their failure on her cold ways
when the reality is that he was
fucking around, the whole time.
Look. Things are gonna be different.
Haven't you figured it out yet Rich?
As long as I'm here,
It's always gonna be the same.
No. It's not.
Okay. I blamed you for a
lot of things in the past.
Okay I made excuses. But
I am stronger than you.
Okay It's my fault for never saying no.
I mean, I was a shitty person. Simple
as that. And I know, I know I can't
Be with her and give her what she needs,
and that sucks, and it hurts. But,
That's not what this is about.
This is about,
Keeping her away from someone like you.
- Well let's test that resolve.
- Let's.
Is that all you've got? You used
to jerk me off harder than that.
You got short legs. You can't do it.
I've got long legs.
Oh okay. Whoa.
All right. Game changer.
A little cyanide? Good yea. Right
now is a perfect time to end it.
No this is for erectile dysfunction.
You gonna stiffen me up?
That's not gonna work.
We're about to find out. Okay?
It's that gun that's just out of reach.
Here you wanna graze it? Here you go.
Just give it a little graze
with those fingertips.
Yea. Oh great.
Now we gotta wait an hour and a
half for them to take effect.
These are one fifties.
Yea.
Whew. Yea. They are good.
I feel fucking good.
You gettin' fucked up son.
Remember me? Bitch slap, bitch
slap, bitch slap, pimp pimp.
I like you better when
you're a damsel in distress.
Whew. Where's he gonna go?
[Screaming] No. Wait. Please.
Get up please.
Probably shouldn't have my back to him.
Can you do me a solid and let
me know if he's commin' up?
Fuck you.
Oh thank you.
Oh. You wanna go another round?
Okay.
I win.
We got him.
Here we go folks. Got you a little blanket.
Oh thank you. It's like
70 degrees out here so,
we don't need a blanket.
Thank you for saving me.
Sure yea. I mean I'm gonna have to bill ya
for a few extra training sessions. But,
Shut up.
All right look.
So, I know, that I'm not
all there, so to speak.
But,
Hey. I wanna make it work too.
Yea?
What?
Rich.
Oh my God. What? Oh yes!
Oh I own you bitch.
Where's the perp?
He's gone. He vanished. Like Yoda.
He did a slow fade into nothin'?
No. Just the blink of the eye.
Ok then it's not like Yoda.
Because Yoda faded away.
Right.
Oh, my god.
Sorry.
- Really?
- Sorry. Sorry.
Yea. All right look. Wow. Now that he's back,
Okay.
I can't promise that, I won't look. But,
I can promise one hundred
percent, that I will be good.
I'll just have to keep you occupied then.
Yea. Works.