Bad Night (2015) Movie Script

1
Attracted to
the spark before the flame
Is it any wonder
That it all turns
out the same?
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh
I've fallen for it all
Before you came
Ooh
Just started, I'm done
You're here, but I'm gone
There's no other way
Even when the rush is gone
Even when the stardust
turns to dawn
Will you still be
holding on
With white knuckles,
white knuckles?
Crazy night?
Yup.
Are you mad at me?
No.
You ready for this?
Yeah. Let's do it.
I just want to go home.
That was it?
They make it look so much better
in the movies.
They make losing your
virginity look better
in the movies, too.
Movies are full of sh...
Good morning, Lake Arrowhead.
Today's forecast calls
for highs in the upper 80s
and lows in the mid-70s.
A great day to get out
and enjoy some sunshine.
- I love you.
- I love you more.
I love our love.
My God!
I hate this field trip already.
Why aren't you
a hot chick, too, bro?
Ouch!
Shut up, Chad.
And can you please stop
making out with my sister
in front of me?
I'm sorry that this bothers you
and that she happens
to be your sister.
Eww, eww, eww, eww.
It's 7 a.m.
What's wrong with you?
This entire school
is riddled with STDs.
OK. Listen up, everybody.
Today is
an important day for me.
We are going on a field trip
to see
one of my favorite
artists' work... Pablo Picasso.
He is just simply
one of the best,
second only in my opinion
to Anne Geddes.
Love her photographs
of little babies
in pumpkin patches.
So I don't want anyone
breaking any of my rules,
and if one person breaks a rule,
then every single one of you
will fail.
Let's have an awesome day.
We're missing two people.
Where are they?
OK. You got everything
you need?
Yes, sir. Packed a lunch,
got my notebook,
bottle of water,
two trail mix bars,
phone charged, ready to go.
Heh heh. You are your
father's daughter.
OK. Serious. Please, please,
please be careful down there.
I know what happens at these
spring break trips, OK?
Dad, I already told you.
This isn't a spring break trip.
It's a field trip
for Miss Goldstein's
art history class.
You get extra credit if you go.
You are a straight-A
student, Abby.
OK. How about you,
me, your brothers,
we do a little deer hunting
this weekend?
We play a little poker?
Sounds fun, but I don't know.
I actually like
going to see museums.
Plus, I don't need extra credit,
but Kate needs it to
graduate in time.
You're a good friend.
OK. Please, please behave, OK?
And let's face it.
There's something
about you and Kate, OK?
Kate can get you in trouble.
Why would you trust technology
over someone who knows
what they're doing?
This thing's connected to
a billion-dollar satellite
that updates it
every single second.
- It knows what it's doing.
- I don't think so.
I'm sorry, Kate.
Yeah, I'm sorry
we've ruined your life.
Look. We're here.
Finally.
Thanks for the ride, guys.
Have a great field trip.
Y-you know what?
Um, there is
actually something that
your father and I wanted
to talk to you about.
Can it wait until tonight?
Sure.
No. We should do it now.
Is this about the divorce?
No, it's...
The other... yeah.
All right. This is... this
will only take a second.
Morning, guys!
Who's excited to see
some art museums?
I'm excited to go back to sleep
once that bus gets here.
Museums are just man's
pathetic attempt to
document our meaningless
existence on this planet.
Dude, come on!
Can you please not start
with this nonsense?
It's 7 a.m. Jesus!
Our love isn't
meaningless, baby.
No, it's not.
Actually, it is meaningless.
Your love is meaningless.
Sweetheart, we know we
said we would pay for it
if you got into NYU,
even if you didn't
get the track scholarship
you didn't get,
but turns out we didn't mean it.
Is that bad?
We don't have the... we
can't afford it.
We don't have the...
we're not liquid.
W-wait. What do you mean?
Your father blew all
of our money on another one
of his stupid business ideas.
A dating web site
for pets is a great idea.
Liz, you even said,
"That's a great idea."
No. Pets don't know how
to use a keyboard.
That is the dumbest idea I...
Do you realize this is
exactly what happened
last time with the car?
Bees were supposed
to go extinct.
That was gonna be a cash cow.
Read the Internet.
Look. You don't even
know what you want to do.
Why don't you just take
a year or two off, travel,
you know, go abroad? That's
what I did after high school.
Loved it. Totally found myself.
- That costs money, too.
- Not that much.
I always found a place to
crash for a night or two.
Got it. Thanks, guys.
Heh.
She'll be OK, right?
Probably not.
Hey. Thank God.
I was gonna kill you
if you didn't show up.
Let's get today over with.
I hate it already.
I'm sorry.
Do you guys have
difficult lives?
Try living
on a teacher's salary, OK?
It feels like my jeans are
made out of Tupperware.
Whoo
Yeah
Morning, people!
Bear, you're late.
It's Saturday. I overslept.
Unrelated statements.
How are you this bitchy on a...
Saturday morning?
Everybody on the bus.
- What's up, Bear?
- What's up, my man?
Go on, brother.
Voldemort's in the house.
- Hi.
- Morning.
- My brother!
- Yeah!
- Morning, Bear.
- Boo.
- Hi.
- Good to see you.
I got one free
ticket to hugtown.
- Do you want it?
- Rain check.
Come on. We gonna stop
to get something to eat?
My stomach's grumbling.
I want to just drive,
drive, drive
Far away
from our normal lives
I wasn't born to die
living inside a lie
So come on, everyone
Don't let your
heart compromise
Hey!
I've never seen food
these colors before.
Looks like somebody
already ate that once.
My God!
It smells like it, too.
Do you want a trail mix bar?
- I have two.
- Yeah, I guess.
Ho!
This is awesome.
Well, we had a little
time before we got back
on the road,
and kids did great today,
so thought it would be a special
treat at The Flavor Circus.
s that beef?
Dude, protein!
Yeah! About to put this
place out of business!
Ha ha! Thanks, Mrs. G.
You're quite welcome.
Really,
the pleasure's mine today, kids.
I feel like Mrs. Claus. Heh heh.
And it's Christmas morning
for all of you guys.
- Baby!
- What?
We should make
each other's plates.
My God!
Why didn't I think of that?
You know what? You always
have the best ideas.
Such a good idea.
- Here I come, here I come.
- Stop it!
The buffet's symbol
of Western overindulgence.
This is why the rest
of the world hates us.
Trevor, just put something
on your plate, please.
My name is Beowulf!
Err!
Is that clams casino?
Babe, this is the best dinner
that I have ever had.
You're a genius.
- Baby, you're a genius.
- Stop it.
I feel like my taste buds
are falling in love with you.
Stop it.
So did everyone enjoy
the Picasso exhibit
as much as I did?
Not really.
That guy sucked.
None of his stuff looked like
what it was supposed to.
It's called cubism!
Should be called dumbism.
Ha ha ha! Boom!
He combined styles to
paint things as he saw them,
not as they were seen by others.
He broke all the rules
to prove a point.
That is essentially what art is.
Thank you, Abby.
That's exactly right,
and some of his paintings
are the most expensive
in the world today
and sell for upwards
of $150 million.
Go to your room!
For a painting?
I got to start painting again.
Yeah, seriously.
We got to get out of here,
go steal one of those paintings,
sell it on the black market.
Who's in?
Very funny, Wanda Sykes.
Now, everybody, eat up,
and let's get back
on that bus.
I'm getting one more bowl
of marshmallows,
pinto beans, and craisins,
and then we are out of here.
Don't you just know it?
Ha ha ha ha
Hey, hey,
Hey, hey,
Hey. Hey, Mrs. G, I'm not...
I'm not feeling too good.
I need to go to the bathroom.
Should have gone
in the restaurant.
- I don't feel good either.
- Me, too.
I don't know.
How are you feeling?
I'm fine. Are you OK?
I think it was that food we ate.
It's making me feel sick.
Sitting like
a pine cone in my colon.
It's not the food, OK?
I ate the food, too, and I...
Ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha, Hey, hey,
Hey, hey,
Ha ha ha ha
No. I don't want it.
I don't want it.
Raaahhhh!
Call the police, someone!
Babe, I'm sorry.
I told you, Mrs. G.
Our bodies are rejecting us!
Help!
Don't you just know it?
Ha ha ha ha
Everybody OK?
No! I can still smell it.
What is happening to us?
Kate and Abby, are you guys OK?
- Fine.
- No. I'm scarred for life.
Shut up, shut up, shut up.
OK. Guys, don't panic.
Everybody's gonna be fine.
You're not dying.
We're a little car sick
from all the bumpity bumps
of the bus.
We're gonna get some fresh air,
enjoy the parking lot,
and then get right back
on that bus.
Listen. It's not gonna happen.
I can't drive like this.
We got to spend the night here.
Bear, give me your keys.
I'm gonna drive the bus.
- No. I'm gonna lose my job.
- Bear, I'm gonna drive the bus.
You don't know how to driv...
this is a large machine.
- I'm gonna drive the bus!
- You're not licensed.
You could kill us all
if you already haven't.
Miss Goldstein,
I need a bathroom.
God.
Stop it, stop it, stop it,
stop it, stop it, stop it.
Stop it. Stay.
Stay, stay, stay, stay.
Guys, quick change of plans.
We are gonna stay the night.
Kate and Abby, go inside,
see if they have some
rooms to help us.
Hurry up, hurry up!
Move your asses!
Serious complication.
Hi.
Your eye's just
a little puffed out, OK?
You're gonna be all right.
I'm gonna take care of you.
Page ophthalmology stat, please.
Yes, doctor.
Do you have any rooms
available for tonight?
Let's see.
Dude, check out
the name on the envelope.
So?
Don't you remember
from biology class last year,
- the butterflies?
- No.
They both look the same,
but only one is dangerous,
so since the predators
can't tell which one is which,
they just leave both alone.
It's like a defense mechanism.
Well, doubt these
are their real names.
A lot of, working girls
use this motel to turn tricks.
Trust me, they're
not butterflies.
They're hookers.
Yeah.
And it looks like we
have four rooms available.
Great. We'll go
tell our teacher.
Aw, yay!
Do you like
wholesome family fun?
Then come on down to Skateland.
We've got drinks,
we've got food,
we've got skates in all sizes.
It's party time at Skateland,
so come on inside.
Skateland!
No, not in the face!
I have a bar mitzvah tonight.
Ari, I promise
I'll pay you back.
I'm taking a magic class.
I can charge $50 more
with magic in my act!
Aah!
OK, enough.
Give me one reason
I shouldn't kill you
right now.
One.
Um, let's see.
Ooh.
That's a tough one. I...
Yo, Ari!
Cut him loose.
You better have
my money next time, OK?
- Yeah.
- Because if you don't,
your magic won't save you.
Thank you.
Thank you, Ari!
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I would have killed him.
You know, clowns are
like boomerangs...
they always come back.
Yeah, man.
Clowns creep me out, Mr. "Airy."
It's "Ar-ee."
My name is Ari.
Where did you get this guy?
We did time together.
You cast wide net?
Go, go!
Wheels, thanks for coming.
I wasn't sure that
you would show.
t's been a long time.
Close the place down?
Yes. This thing bled me dry.
I just wish I hadn't
paid for three years'
commercials up front.
Not fiscally responsible.
Sorry, man.
I tried everything, Wheels.
I even put in fog machine
for party times!
Party times?
Yeah, but I'm cutting
my losses, moving on.
I've got big score I find
that's happening tonight,
and I need driver I can trust.
That's what you
called me here for?
Yes. What you think,
I want to catch up?
I'm not a driver
anymore, remember?
Besides, I don't want to
watch my daughter grow up
from a jail cell.
I don't care
about your stupid baby.
I'm not your errand
boy anymore, Ari.
Good luck with your rink.
I imagine not a lot
of legit work for ex-con.
Hundred large would go
long way for little Sofia.
OK. I have
the keys for our rooms.
Stay back!
Stay back,
you animals, stay back!
Everybody's gonna shit.
Just wait. Nobody's leaving
their room tonight,
and there are no exceptions.
I don't care if there's a fire,
I don't care if there's
an earthquake,
I don't care if aliens come
down to invade us,
I don't care if there's a ghost
in the hallway screaming,
"Help me, help me,"
and then he gets in
and he kills you
and you become a ghost.
You as a ghost will not
be leaving the rooms.
Jessie, you're
with your brother.
- We're switching rooms.
- Chad, you're with Jesse.
You two are together,
and, Bear, you're with me.
Hey. We'll get
through this together.
No.
You ever here of, Van Gogh?
Yeah, of course. The,
Dutch post impressionist.
I have line on one
of his missing paintings.
I think it's called Boy,
Pissing on Sunflowers
or something.
Pretty sure that's not it.
I don't know.
I'm not homosexual.
Anyway, I know where it is,
and I have buyer
willing to pay two million
for it cash tonight.
It's just sitting
in some old safe
in some real estate company's
liquidation facility,
which is why I'm going
to swap it out
with replica tonight.
OK. Are you sure these two
are the stealthy team
- you want on this job?
- You nuts?
I hire couple of pros on this,
the same ones who do
the museum heist
in Amsterdam broad daylight,
dressed as tourists, you know?
I think I read about them.
Anyway, Ari reaches out,
they say yes.
All you got to do is pick
them up, make a few stops,
wait for them while
they do the job,
and make sure you get back here
before my buyer gets here.
You get hundred large,
I get to start new life
in Brazil!
Why Brazil?
Very loose banking regulations
and fastest growing
recreational activity...
roller skating.
I'm going to take the money and
build new rink,
my dream rink, perfect.
Not oval, circle.
So you in?
- I'm in.
- Yes!
Thank you, Wheels.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Where are they staying?
Down the road
at the Crest Motel.
They are under names,
Monarch and "Wis-a-roy,"
I think.
- Viceroy.
- Wheels, go!
They're expecting you. Go!
All right,
but this is my last job.
After this, lose my
number and my e-mail.
Don't try to Tweet me.
I'm unfriending you on Facebook,
and definitely don't try
to follow me on Instagram.
Snapchat?
OK. Just go.
Keep mouth shut and drive.
Hey, bozos.
What's up, boss?
Make sure everything goes
exactly as planned, OK?
Yeah.
Anything goes wrong, kill them,
and before you leave,
polish these.
Polish, not Polish.
Polish these.
This isn't so bad.
At least we're not sick.
Heh. Funny.
You want to use the bathroom?
I'm done.
Nope. I'm good.
You're not gonna
get ready for bed?
What do you mean? What do I
have to do to get ready for bed?
I'm in bed.
OK. What's up with you?
I don't think I'm
gonna go to college.
Are you serious? Why not?
I mean, I've been
thinking about it,
and I don't even know
what I want to do
with my life yet, so why not
just take a few years off
and travel abroad or something?
Kate, everybody knows that
take a couple years off to
travel abroad really just
means going and get drunk
and hook up with a bunch
of foreign dudes.
You're better than that,
and college is all about
where you figure out what you
want to do with your life.
You're just so lucky you already
know what you want to do.
You're gonna be, like,
the first female president
one day or something.
Hopefully not.
There are currently a lot
of qualified women
serving in Congress.
I'm hungry.
Me, too. Want to order a pizza?
No. I want to get out of here,
and I want to go
somewhere nice, and...
it's gonna be on my parents.
- Really?
- Why not?
I mean... OK, technically,
it is for emergencies,
but seriously, if this isn't
an emergency, what is?
How are we gonna get there?
I'll just order us a ride.
I'll even say our names are
Viceroy and Monarch
like the butterflies,
not the hookers.
Hold on. What if we get caught?
We're not gonna get caught.
I'm not gonna tell anyone,
and you're not gonna
tell anyone.
My clothes are covered in vomit.
I guess that means we should go
to a thrift store.
OK. That is actually
such a good idea.
We haven't done that in so long.
See? We'll just go really quick,
we'll have a nice dinner
and some new fresh clothes,
come back,
and no one will even
know we were gone.
Well, I did find one
that's still open.
And there's already
a ride on its way.
We have to be so
careful leaving, though.
If Miss Goldstein sees us,
we're screwed.
My God. I do not think
we have anything to worry
about with her
or anyone else here tonight.
God!
Get out, get out, get back!
Babe, if you love me,
get out of the bathroom!
Chad, I'm gonna explode!
- Get ouuuuttt!
- No, no!
God! It hurts!
Do you hear that?
What are they doing in there?
Let's go over the plan again.
- I downloaded the building...
- Don't worry.
We got this.
Ari's gonna lead us right
to The Collector.
Now let's just hope that
guy Ari's sending as
a driver is a pro.
Well, if he isn't, we shoot him.
In the leg.
You didn't let me finish.
All right. It's time. Ready?
Yep.
Wait. Hold on.
I got to pee.
Hi. Are you our driver?
I don't know. Depends.
We're Viceroy and Monarch.
Can we just get out of here?
We don't want anyone
to see us leaving.
Thieves
Thieves
Thieves
Thieves
Thieves
Whoa, what? OK.
Be cool. All right.
Just a couple hotties.
Just be yourself.
Be cool, Brian, be cool.
Hi. Are you
Monarch and Viceroy?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Are you Monarch...
- No names.
That's rule number one, OK?
OK. There's rules.
I love that. That's awesome.
What is... what's
rule number two?
Don't ask questions.
As you can imagine,
discretion's a big part
of what we do.
Yeah. I get that.
Yes, I totally get... I get that.
I get what she said.
I like it. I'm into it.
Ha ha ha!
Yeah. I love to be discreet.
I get that a lot.
My friends are all just
like... I'm crazy discreet.
Is there a rule number three?
Yeah. Drive.
I cannot believe I actually
just got you out right now.
Calm down. I can make
him turn around still.
No, you can't.
We're not going to,
and plus, this car
is actually pretty sick.
Yo, sick car, dude.
All right.
So, where we going?
Um, could you take
us here, please?
Yeah. What's there?
Let's just say we have
to settle an old score.
So I got water, I got mints,
I got breath strips,
I got a really sick Spotify
if you guys like music.
Anything you guys want,
just let me know.
I'm here to please you...
or please, you know?
Thanks. No water.
Just drive and don't talk.
OK. Cool, cool, cool.
So where you guys from?
In town on,
business or pleasure?
Or I guess pleasure
is your business, right?
Ha ha ha!
What?
Nothing. Nothing.
I'm... I'm sorry.
I should... I... what
am I... listen to me.
I'm asking... I ask a lot
of questions sometimes
when I get nervous, you know?
Not that I'm nervous.
I'm calm, you know, I'm cool.
My friends are always like,
"Brian, he's so cool.
You got to meet Brian."
So, like, don't even sweat it,
you know?
It's just I'm saying...
I'm saying I'm open-minded.
So anything you guys want,
just let me know.
Look. Just do your job.
No one will get hurt.
OK. Got it.
I'm gonna text Ari and let
him know we're in play.
Yeah, and tell him
the driver's annoying.
Driver. Are you
guys talking golf?
Heh.
Yes. Here we go.
That's the spot.
I'll be right here
when you get out
unless you want me to wait
in the back alley.
No. It's OK. This is fine.
You sure want to do this?
Once we go in there,
there's no turning back.
- I'm sure.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
I mean...
Yeah!
Now remember the rules.
I'll whatever outfit
you pick just as long as
it's not too slutty or dirty.
You can't tell everyone
it's a joke like
you did last time.
That's cheating.
OK. It's not cheating
if it's the cops.
First one to break loses.
- Deal?
- Deal.
Da da da da da
Da da da
Da da da da da
Da da da
Da da da da da
Da da da
Da da da da da
Da da da
What the hell
are they doing here?
It's so obvious.
They're buying disguises.
Check this out.
Says right here they were
dressed up last time.
Right, man, but the point
is we could have done
this job ourselves.
Look.
They were orphans
trained by the Yakuza.
Sounds about right.
Yeah.
- Right?
- Yeah.
Everything on the Internet
is true.
Is this it?
I think that this is it.
This is fine. Just wait
for us here, all right?
OK. Well, I mean, this doesn't
look like a safe neighborhood.
Are you sure you girls
are gonna be OK?
What did we say about
asking questions?
What...
I don't remember.
- What was it?
- It's safe, I promise.
Just stay in the car,
don't talk to anybody.
We'll be back in a few minutes.
Sorry. Can I use my
phone?
- Sure.
- No.
I just want to talk to
some buddies.
Tomorrow, me and a bunch
of my friends,
we're going skydiving,
which I'm pretty jazzed about
because I love,
like, extreme stuff.
I'm, like, live on the edge.
I'm just like
an extremist... sportswise,
not politically.
I... all right, girls.
All right.
Let me do the talking.
OK.
Da?
We're here to see The Painter.
Nyet.
Good job.
- Come on.
- Too slow.
What in the good Lord's name?
You have never looked better.
I would totally hire you
to be my personal trainer.
I think I'm more
of a life coach,
but thank you.
I would totally marry you.
Let's see how dinner
goes first, honey.
Hey. Sorry it took so long.
No worries. Get what you need?
Yeah. We think so.
What do you think?
I don't know.
Come on. You can tell us.
We look awesome.
Where to next?
- I had it.
- Yeah, I'm sure you did.
You can't just break
someone's nose
every time something
doesn't go your way.
Somebody could have seen that
and called the cops.
I told you, I'm more than happy
to teach you some moves.
It's not that hard.
I know how to fight.
I prefer not to.
Boring.
Master, somebody's
here to see you.
Is he dead?
No. The...
The Painter is resting.
The Painter smells
like he's dead.
"Kreh-tos"?
"Krah-tos," sir.
We've talked about it.
- Kreh-tos...
- Krah-tos.
- Kreh-tos.
- Krah-tos.
Kray-tos. Say it.
You say it.
- Krah-tos.
- Kray-tos.
We said the exact...
it sounds exactly the same.
No.
It doesn't matter,
and didn't I tell you
not to wake me when I'm clearly
working?
Sorry, sir.
They... they insisted.
Man.
You hit Kratos.
Who does that?
He's a big teddy bear.
- Sir.
- Ari sent us.
Well, well, well,
well, well, well, well.
Well, well, well,
well, well, well.
Well, well, well, well, well.
Well, well, well, well.
Well, if it isn't
Viceroy and the other one.
It's a delight.
Hi.
Yes. May I help you?
Table for two, please.
Do you have a reservation?
Right. I see.
Well, I wish we had
a table for you, but...
I do not.
"I do not"?
Did you just say, "I do not"?
My... my God.
That's exactly what
Jason said at my wedding!
"I do not, I do not"!
Aah!
My meatballs.
My dress!
You know what?
They can have our table.
We'll come back another night.
Yeah.
I tell you, I'm a big fan.
Whoa.
What you guys did in Amsterdam
was just next level.
Thank you. It was all my idea.
Yeah? I don't care.
So what is this place?
I mean, the money you charge,
and this is how you live?
No toilets, no windows.
I got a window.
Yeah, that's a painting.
Heh. I think I would know
the difference between
a painting and a window.
Anyway, this is
not where I live.
This is my office.
You know, I have to
live like an artist,
I have to breathe
like an artist,
I have to eat like an artist,
I have to smell like an artist,
dance like an artist,
talk like an artist,
do this gesture like an artist.
I can't do that at my house.
You know what I mean?
- I'm a method painter.
- A what?
A method painter, you know,
like a method actor,
except I paint.
It's pretty... I would
get that the first time
someone said it.
Jesus. Did you cut your ear off?
"Got to feel pain in order
to work with colors."
Maya Angelou.
Yeah. I think you
should probably see
a doctor about that.
You're kind of pretty.
I'd like to draw you,
give you a nice pencil twirl.
You interested
in a nude drawing?
You don't have to get naked.
I'll just get naked and
draw you.
Yeah. No.
Do you have what we came for?
Do you have what we came for?
What?
Of course. You think I don't
have my shit together?
You know, when Ari first
told me that he found it,
I was like, "Yeah, right."
But when he hired you,
he certainly hit
a ground-rule double.
Can you see it?
Can you see the painting?
And the wood and metal's aged?
It will pass carbon testing?
Yeah. Yeah,
all that stuff you said.
You know, I was rock hard
for all 12 hours it took
to paint this.
Yeah. We got to go.
Appreciate it.
I'd get that ear looked
at as soon as possible.
And I'm sorry about that.
This isn't over.
Yeah, I think it is.
Get some ice on it.
Thanks, bro.
You're a good person.
Take a picture of me.
I have a strong feeling
this is exactly what I'm
gonna look like
on my actual wedding day.
Pfft. As if you're
gonna get married.
Are you serious?
Now I'm not even
smiling in the picture.
- OK.
- All right. Got it.
Just send it to me.
I still haven't gotten it yet.
It still isn't in my phone yet.
- Calm down.
- Have you sent it yet?
Do you realize there was
a period of time where
people didn't even have
cell phones at all?
I wasn't alive then.
Neither was I.
So how do you know?
Bonsoir!
Good evening.
My name is Theodore,
and I'll be your server
for this evening.
Before we begin, I am
going to have to remind
you to remove your headwear.
We do have a dress code policy
at this restaurant.
This doesn't mean I lose.
It kind of does.
Thank you for your compliance.
We may now begin
a culinary adventure,
but first, I'll leave
you with these, your guides
for this evening,
for you to peruse
at your leisure.
And I will very quickly tell you
about tonight's specials.
Tonight, we feature
an Alaskan salmon slowly
marinated in a balsam-sick
vinaigrette reduction
and then flash cooked.
It's very dangerous
but very delicious.
Damn.
I'll be right back,
but please remember
our policy here.
No GMOs, yes OMGs.
Was that guy even real?
There... there are my girls.
I was just worried sick.
I mean, not worried. I was...
What were you thinking?
It was not safe back there.
Relax. Everyone got
what they wanted.
Relax? It was bad enough
you had to do the bouncer.
Who knows how many more guys
he could have had back there?
What would you have
done then, do them all?
Yeah. If I had to, yeah,
I'll do them all.
I can handle three,
I can handle four, no problem.
Good for you.
Kate, are you sure it's OK?
This restaurant's
really expensive.
I mean, I know you're mad
at your folks,
but their appetizers cost
more than my house.
I seriously don't care.
Let's just have fun.
OK. I'm down.
I hope everyone's OK
back at the motel.
I'm sure they're fine.
"Though I walk through
the valley of the shadow
of death, I fear no evil,
for you are with me."
No more.
OK. Yeah.
Her name is Carly,
not I Carly, but for years... heh...
I got so confused by that.
What are you saying?
What are you saying?
Hee hee hee!
I Carly? No. You Carly.
Can I get you started
with anything to drink?
Let's do champagne.
It's been a rough week.
Champagne. Yes. Of course.
I'll just need to
see some photo I.D.
We'll just have two waters,
please.
Actually, make that three.
I got to get this stain
off me stat.
Excellent choice.
I miss you,
too. I miss you, too, baby.
Heh. Hey, hey. Send me a pic.
Yeah, yeah.
Tsk. Girl, I meant of the baby.
Ha ha ha!
I'm messing with you,
I'm messing with you.
Hold on.
I got another call.
I got to take this.
Hold on. Do not hang up, baby.
Do not hang up, all right?
- Yeah.
- Hey. It's me.
Hey. What up, Ari?
Nothing much, buddy.
I'm just checking to see
how your night is going.
Must be pretty weird to be back.
This is just one job, all right?
But thanks for asking,
though, Ari, you know,
because at first I thought
it would be kind of weird.
Wheels, get real!
I don't care
about your night, OK?
I need updates, I need updates!
All right. Well, nothing's
really happened yet, man.
I mean, it's kind of
weird stuff actually.
They got some disguises,
and now they got me
waiting outside
of some restaurant.
OK, OK. They're weird. It's OK.
What are they like?
Are they hot?
Hey. Tell them to come
over here afterwards.
I got hot tub fixed.
Dude, what's wrong with you?
What? You can come, too.
There's two of them.
I'm out, man.
Baby? Booga-booga!
Wheels, I'm not wife.
Thanks, Ari.
OK. Here we are.
OK, weirdo. You know the drill.
Again? My God,
you girls must be exhausted.
OK, but real talk for a second.
I need to get a burrito
or something
because my blood
sugar is crashing.
I'm hyperglycemic, so if I...
- Bye, Brian.
- It's a condition.
OK. Yeah, no. I'll just
stay here while my body
eats itself and I slowly die.
Don't worry about old Brian.
I'm stuffed.
I don't think I'm ever
gonna be hungry again.
Me, too.
Guten abend, Frauleins.
Have you enjoyed everything?
Will there be anything else?
Perhaps a cup
of our house coffee.
Each bean is hand-picked...
- Aw, thanks, Teddy, but...
- Theodore.
Just gonna take the bill.
Thank you.
This was so much fun.
I seriously don't
want it to end.
I know. Me either.
What else can we do?
I will literally do
whatever you want.
Anything?
As long as this night doesn't
end, let's do anything.
I mean, it would be a shame
to waste these outfits.
We do look amazing.
Yeah, we do.
That was so fun. Great idea.
I know. I just wish
I got this stain off of me.
Dude, you can hardly see it.
Don't worry about it.
Baby, I say we home school
our kid.
Look. I'm down for home college,
you know what I mean?
I got to go. Hey.
What happened to you?
You all right?
What happened in there?
You said you
could barely see it.
You can't, you can't.
I hate to see what happened
to the other guy.
So can we make a few more stops?
Do we have time?
We do if you drive fast enough.
You didn't say nothing
but the word.
I used to live the dream
Dirty money
would flock to me
But now I'm left
to wash society
And the limousines that
used to drive me around
I used to fight the night
The dice was loaded for me
A Jesus Christ
I thought that was
just a urban myth.
But now it's dark
And I can barely see
the ground
If I could turn back time
I would make my honor mine
Wouldn't sell it for a car
A girl, two girls
or even nine
- You got to race them.
- You got to race them.
- You got to race them.
- You got to race them.
- Jeez!
- My God.
- Go on, go on!
- Go, go, go, go!
Just pop right through.
I used to feel
And I used to dream
Of what I could be
It gave me fuel to
want to work on me
But I got dragged
into the material world
Yeah
So now I'm cynical
I can't feel
anything at all
I'm just another king
without a crown
Heh heh. That's good.
That's funny.
If I could turn back time
I would make my honor mine
Wouldn't sell it for a car
A girl, two girls,
or even nine
All right.
So how long you think
it's gonna take?
How many times have
seen me do this?
And take the throne
in the coliseum
Got it.
- OK.
- 1, 2, 3.
Hold, hold... just...
all right, OK.
I... 1, 2, 3.
No. You... I pull, you push.
No. Push.
- I pull...
- 1, 2...
I pull, you push.
- OK.
- 1, 2, 3.
Ooh.
I would make my honor mine
Wouldn't sell it for a car
A girl, two girls,
or even nine
What?
No likes?
What?
I mean, I'm not gonna like it.
Just get the ball rolling.
One like.
Now we wait. Heh heh.
This is awesome.
I don't know about this.
Are you sure?
Are you serious?
We have to remember
this night forever.
We could just take a bunch
of pictures or something.
No. Those will
disappear in the iCloud.
This needs to be permanent
like our friendship.
All right. Fine,
but my dad's gonna kill me
if he finds out.
I wasn't asleep.
I wasn't asleep, was not asleep.
I was dealing with some
important inventory.
What's... whoa!
What is happening?
Wait. I... OK. I'm sorry.
OK. You guys are on drugs.
No. We're not on drugs.
Me neither up until a few
weeks ago when I found out
I was eight months' pregnant,
but, um... pbbblll...
it's like you live
and you learn, you know,
on that one.
We just want to get tattoos.
She does. I'm still not sure.
You know I want to get
a real job someday,
and statistically
speaking, people
with tattoos really
limit their options.
Thanks.
Sorry. I didn't mean that.
All right. Look.
Here's my book.
Look through it, see if anything
kind of jumps out at you,
but I don't do tramp stamps
or Chinese symbols
unless you happen to be Chinese.
These are really great.
Thank you.
My God. Look at this one.
It looks just like
a penis or something.
Ha ha.
It's a rocket ship.
Yeah.
I see a rocket
with balls on it.
I love space exploration.
She does. OK.
Why don't we just
do butterflies?
That's not too bad.
Really?
All right. Tat us up.
OK. Two butterflies.
I will try not to make
them look like penises
with wings.
Excuse me.
All right. I texted Ari,
let him know we made the switch.
OK.
Look at this guy.
What? Yo.
Hey. Open the trunk.
Shit.
No. What is going on?
Yeah. All right, Rocky.
Go get them.
I'll be quick.
Excuse us.
What's going on here?
God! My God!
Aah!
My God! Aah!
What is happening? No!
Shit!
Aah! Aah!
What is he doing?
You got this,
you got this, buddy!
Aah!
He is the worst getaway driver
I've ever seen.
No argument here.
I wish I had my contacts in.
You're done.
t is so cool!
I love it so much. Thank you.
You are so welcome.
It looks really,
- really good on you.
- I know.
All right,
Buzz Aldrin, you're up.
I don't know anymore.
What do you mean
you don't know anymore?
We made a deal,
and I have a tattoo on my foot.
I didn't sign a contract.
I don't want to do it anymore.
What do you mean a contract?
We're best friends.
We don't need to
sign a contract.
It's already engraved in
our heart.
It's a friendship contract.
Exactly.
Fine, fine. Let's do it.
Whatever. I don't care anymore.
Ink me. Come on.
Ink me hard. Let's do it.
Hey! You need to calm down, OK?
I'm hung-over. Please.
OK.
Start talking.
You can probably take
the gun out of his mouth.
What is happening?
What are you guys doing?
Why do you have guns?
What's going on?
Don't kill me.
Please don't kill me.
I want to live!
I changed my mind.
Put it back in.
Tell us everything.
I don't know anything.
Start talking.
OK, OK.
I have five cats.
I love them.
I also love romantic comedies
and... and reality TV.
I binge watch it.
I find it calming,
and... and... and I'm not
skydiving tomorrow, OK?
I lied about that.
I don't have
an extreme lifestyle.
As a matter of fact,
I would never skydive.
I hate heights,
I don't like parachutes.
Flying makes me nauseous.
Please don't kill me.
Did Ari tell you to rip us off?
Who... who is Ari?
You heard of The Painter?
I know painters.
Rembrandts,
the Ninja Turtles, sure.
Wait. If you
don't know Ari, why were
you at the Crest Motel,
and how did you get
the names Viceroy and Monarch?
Because I had
a pickup there, OK?
Those... those were
the names on the pickup form.
I'm sorry I was
two minutes late.
Pickup form?
What are you talking about?
I am a driver
for a rideshare company,
or at least I was a driver
for a rideshare company
because I'm surely gonna
get fired now if I live.
Not to mention my
dad's gonna freak out
because this is his car, OK?
I lied about that.
I lied about having friends.
I don't even have friends.
I'm a loser.
The five cats are my world.
Please, please, listen.
I thought that if maybe we...
we were cool with each
other you guys would like me
and be my friends,
and maybe that would turn
into something where
you guys would maybe
have sex with me.
What?
Because you're... you're
prostitutes, you know,
women of the night!
We're not prostitutes,
you moron.
We're undercover FBI.
Like... like
Female Body Inspectors?
My dad has that shirt.
We got in the wrong car.
We have to go back to the motel
and look through
security footage.
We got in the wrong car.
Who got in the right one?
Yes. Wow.
I think I just got
the hang of it on yours.
It's so good. Thank you!
You know, you're
actually really cool.
Aw. I'm so sorry about
all that stuff I said
when I first got here.
I don't get out much.
No. It's OK. You're young.
I get it because I'm young, too.
It's like we're peers, you know?
No. I... I think I'm younger.
Agree to disagree on that, OK?
OK. So I got to ask you,
what is up with these outfits?
You look insane.
You look like you had your
period and then splashed it
back on yourself.
No. I stopped doing that.
We're actually just
on a field trip
for our AP art history class.
Everyone got really sick,
but we decided to go out
and actually have some fun.
OK. Field trip?
Where are you guys from?
Lake Arrowhead.
Really? Wait. No way.
What high school do you go to?
- Dixon.
- Get out!
Get right out.
Get out! Wait! I went to Dixon!
- Really?
- Really?
Ha! Yeah!
Dixon High Cougars for life,
you bitches!
My God! That is so rad.
Why didn't you guys tell me
you went to Dixon?
Seriously, why
didn't you tell me?
Err! Why didn't you guys
tell me you're Cougars?
I would have used a new needle.
My God!
This is, like, blowing my mind!
You guys.
My God! Is that creepy
gym teacher still there,
the one with
the thick glasses and no teeth?
- Mr. Abrams.
- Mr. Abrams.
Well, he made me call
him Badger, which...
He's in jail now.
That's... that's good.
That's actually really good.
So what are you guys
doing after school?
I'm probably gonna go to college
for poli sci in the fall.
- Because you're smart.
- Yeah.
Yeah. I'm probably gonna
take a few years off
and travel abroad,
really find myself.
OK. I think we all know
that means you're just
gonna get wasted
and hook up with guys
- who don't speak English.
- That's what I said.
- Right?
- Yeah.
We have
something. Two little besties.
Yeah. She's a slut.
Ha ha ha! You know what?
You guys wait
right here, old Cougars.
I got something to show you, OK?
OK.
Get the old gal up.
- Ooh.
- Got it.
Ha ha ha! Whoo!
Lightheaded. The doctor told me
to stop working,
but I was like, "No!
You stop working." Ha ha ha!
BRB, guys.
Heh. You two are a trip.
How did you know about
that Lake Arrowhead stuff?
What do you mean?
I mean, did you make it up,
did you Goggle it?
Like, how did you know
she went to Dixon?
We didn't make it up
because it's the truth.
Yeah, right. You're a couple
of high school girls
down here on
a art history field trip?
AP art history.
Ha ha ha! You messing with me.
She's good. Ha ha ha!
- What?
- What?
So what are your real names?
I'm Kate.
I'm Abby. What's your name?
Andy.
Nice to formally meet you, Andy.
Nice to meet you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.
So how did you know
about Viceroy and Monarch?
Yeah. We just saw it
on an envelope when we
checked into the motel.
I mean, it was my idea.
I was the one who put
it into my phone, so...
We got to go.
We got to go now.
Put your foot in the shoe.
Come on. We got to go. Let's go.
Let's go!
Man, I got to pee.
OK. Can you hold it?
Hold it? Man, I been
holding it, man.
You're just hearing
about it now.
A grown man telling me
to hold my pee.
OK. Sorry.
Why don't you go
outside, grown man?
Go outside? Come on.
I can't do that.
So uncivilized.
I met you in jail,
but that's uncivilized.
It's Ari, it's Ari, it's Ari.
OK.
- Ari, hey.
- It's done?
Is what done?
How many things
are you doing right now?
Right, right.
Right... ha ha. He's doing a bit.
They haven't done
anything yet, Ari.
We're still watching
and surveilling.
What do you mean?
They got some
clothes, they went into
an artisinal restaurant,
and so now they're
getting tattoos.
Tattoos?
I know they hit the place.
I got text from them.
What the hell is going on?
Are they paying you
to play dumb,
or are you doing it for free?
Mr. "Airy," we been
sitting on them all night.
We'd have seen it.
It's "Ar-ee," and no "mister."
Jesus Christ.
Something's happening.
I bet Wheels is in on this.
I knew it!
Bring them all to me now!
- Who?
- Err!
Who do you think?
Wheels and the broads!
Are you high?
He's good.
We're gonna take care of it.
We'll talk to you so soon,
and I thank you.
Idiots!
Come on.
Let's go. We got to go.
Guys? My little kids?
Hello?
Did I just imagine all that?
Did... did we do something wrong?
Are you mad at us?
Not you. Just
time to call it a night.
Wheels, how's it going, buddy?
What are you guys doing here?
I think you know.
There's been a big mix-up.
I really think you guys
should let this go.
Sorry. Not gonna happen.
Mr. Ari's orders.
I'm not gonna let you take them.
Don't worry.
You get to come, too.
- What's happening?
- I don't know.
Get out of here!
Go get the car!
Hold on, hold on!
This dress is a
nightmare to run in.
I can't. My legs won't let me.
You're wearing workout clothes!
Aah!
Come on. Are you OK?
Stay right there, sweetie.
What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?
Where do we go?
This way!
- What the?
- Go!
Did he see us?
I don't think so.
- What the hell is going on?
- I don't know.
I just want to get back
to the motel before anyone
finds out we're gone.
We should have never left.
I can't believe you got
me into all this!
I got you into all this?
Are you serious?
I didn't plan for this
to happen, Abby.
I know you didn't
plan for this to happen
because you don't plan anything.
You just do whatever
the hell you want,
and let other people
clean up the mess.
That's... that's not fair!
I'm not gonna apologize
for wanting to have fun.
If it weren't for me,
you'd never even have any!
How is this fun?
I have a tattoo,
we almost got kidnapped,
and we're in the middle
of a rave.
This is a bad night!
Yeah.
Dude, will you please
put the gun down?
Did you not see Pulp Fiction?
Put it down!
I got to ask were you guys
orphans trained
by the Yakuza ninjas?
What?
We're not who you think we are.
It's them, man, it's them!
Put the gun down!
Where is it?
Where's what?
What do you think?
The painting I paid you
lot of money
to steal for me.
I would hate to kill
the legendary Viceroy
and Monarch,
so please do not make me.
Those aren't our names.
We didn't steal any paintings.
We're just two
high school students
on an AP art history field trip.
What is this now?
You're only high school
student on art history trip
dressed like Madonna
and Jane Fonda?
- Who?
- Shut up.
I swear. AP art history.
OK. Heh.
This is how you want to play me.
You now have exactly
three seconds to tell me
what I needs to know.
- One...
- We don't know anything!
- Two...
- Sir, please.
Kate, do something.
Three!
Fine. You win. You got us.
What?
Yeah, what?
Yeah. We're Viceroy and Monarch,
and we have what
you're looking for.
You can put the gun down now.
Ha ha! I knew it! I knew it!
I knew it! Brains.
Just let us go, and we'll come
back with want you want.
OK, but no, no.
Question.
And please be totally honest.
Do I look stupid?
You really think I let you go,
both of you walk away?
No.
You go, your friend stays here,
and if you don't come back
before my buyer gets here,
I will have to kill her.
OK.
OK? You can't leave me here.
I'll be back, I promise.
Don't leave.
Go.
Kate, you can't leave me here.
Trust me.
Ticktock, ticktock, ticktock.
Kate, Kate, you
can't leave me here!
Kate!
Kate, don't leave me!
Kate, you can't leave me here!
Kate! Kate!
Kate, Kate.
Hush, please. It's annoying.
OK. Tie her up.
I must make pee-pees.
What a weird night.
Congratulations.
Don't you guys need,
like, a warrant
for this or something?
Not if we never saw this.
Right there.
There they are.
How did that happen?
You had to pee.
That's how it happened.
Damn it. They could be
anywhere by now.
Help! Help! I need help.
My friend, she's in danger.
I need someone to call the
police or something right now.
It's the girl from the TV.
What?
OK. 50 more.
Call.
I'll do 50, too.
Getting close.
I hope your partner shows up.
I'd hate to disappoint my buyer.
OK. What do you got?
Check this out. Pair aces.
Two pair. Got lucky.
Shit, damn, crap.
You know what happens
when I see crap?
I straight flush it. Ha ha!
Damn it. Straight flush where?
- Look at that. Right there.
- Damn it.
You should've raised
before the last card.
That's when he made his flush
and he hit his second pair.
They both had nothing
before that.
What?
This one, he made his flush
on the river card.
Am I right?
Maybe.
Definitely.
Impressive. You want to play?
Come on. Hey... shut up.
This will be interesting.
You can play for your life.
I don't know, guys.
This honestly sounds like
a terrible idea.
If anything goes wrong or you
feel in danger at any point,
just say, "Safari," and we
will come in and get you.
Safari.
I don't know anymore.
Can I change my mind?
I'm sorry. You girls interfered
with a federal investigation,
so if you and your friend
want to stay out of jail,
this is what you have to do.
Safari.
That's the code word
for us to come in... safari.
Personally,
I think you're gonna be fine.
- Shut up.
- You ready?
Safari. Safari.
- That's the word.
- Safari.
That's what's gon...
Yep. That's it.
No. I'm saying it right now.
Safari.
Should I deal?
I'll deal. Your hands are tied.
Right.
So, where did you
learn to play cards?
I play with my brothers,
even started a poker club
in high school.
Enough with the high school
stuff, already.
- I'm not idiot.
- It's the truth.
So I suppose you want me
to believe you're not
this, Viceroy and Monarch or
whatever the hell names you are.
No. My friend just
used those names
because she thought
it'd be funny.
I don't even know
what she's up to right now,
but I can assure you,
she's not getting any painting.
Ach, garbage.
- I can prove it to you.
- How?
Could I borrow your laptop?
I'll show you my profile.
It has everything
that I told you on it.
OK. Go get.
See?
My God.
Lake Arrowhead?
I love Lake Arrowhead.
- So pretty.
- Yeah.
- I almost moved there once.
- Why didn't you?
Went to prison instead. OK.
OK. Says it's private.
You have to add me.
Sorry, but I only add
people I know.
Ha! I respect
your privacy settings,
but, given the fact
that this is life or death,
I suspect you make exception.
Good point.
Let me just sign in
really quick.
Smarty pants.
Totally understand
the whole privacy thing.
You don't want a bunch
of random weirdoes
routing through your photos.
You have a Facebook?
I'm still over on MySpace.
My... You have a band?
- Yeah.
- Your band is lame.
See?
That's from today.
Holy crap. Holy crap.
2,000 friends? Impressive.
Yeah, pretty popular
around the Internet.
Heh. Poker club. Is real. Ha!
So wait. You are named... Abby?
Yep.
- You look like an Abby.
- I know.
- Spanish club, pom-pom?
- Ha!
You're pom-pom? Prom?
Look at this.
My God, AP Art History.
Christ, this is hilarious.
Ha ha ha!
She is not gangster.
She is child.
That's what I've been trying
to tell you this whole time.
We almost killed minor.
Ha ha ha!
You almost died. Ha ha ha!
Look at your face.
I had the plastic laid down
in my van and everything.
There's egg on my face.
Ha ha ha!
Where is my painting?
We need my painting!
Good luck.
I don't know
if she's got what it takes.
- Shut up.
- Shut up.
Apologies, kid.
Hell of a mix-up. Cut her loose.
No worries.
Look. I'll have my men
take you back to motel.
Go home. Don't come back, OK?
- Deal.
- Right.
Hey, hello. This is Ari.
For-real Monarch or Viceroy,
please call.
Emergency. Call me now.
Damn it. Gosh darn it.
- Hey.
- What the hell?
- Kate?
- I got what you wanted.
- What?
- Yep.
- What?
- Here it is.
Now let my friend go
like you promised.
- We're square here.
- Kate, what are you doing?
I told him the truth.
He was about to let me go.
Don't call me Kate, Viceroy.
I'm saving your life.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Viceroy?
I... I have no idea
what she's talking about.
I'm not Viceroy. I'm Abby.
I'm so Abby. Look at me.
You even said so yourself.
Ha ha ha! I can't believe
I bought it.
My God, you two are so good.
Wowee, wowee, wowee.
We get it.
I gave you what you wanted.
Now can we go?
Ha! I suppose a deal's a deal.
- Who are you right now?
- Drop the act. We're beat.
He's onto us. Can we go?
You can leave when my buyer
authenticates this painting.
Please.
Little late, gentlemen.
Now let's see what
all this noise is about.
Is that a painting?
Kate, where did you get that?
You know where I got it,
Viceroy.
OK. Have seat. Relax.
We have time.
You need soda, chips,
Chex Mix, pretzels?
I have everything.
Wowee, wowee, wowee.
She's in.
- Can I have a gun?
- No.
It feels like
I should have a gun.
We might just pull this off.
Who's that?
Anyone can play CD.
"Look. I'm band."
You're basically DJ.
- Why'd you come back?
- I came back to save you.
Great job.
Ari?
Wheels, what the hell
are you doing here?
I thought you would've
gone AWOL.
I trusted you, guy.
Ari, listen.
You've got to let them go.
They're not
who you think they are.
They're in high school, man.
I have their real clothes.
- Smells horrible.
- I know.
There's something wrong
with them,
but they're not your pros.
You got to listen to me.
I made a mistake.
Mistake.
Perhaps you can
explain this, then.
I...
Wheels, only mistake you make
is coming back here.
You are liar, liar,
pants on fire!
I don't understand, man.
When'd you do this?
I was with you the entire time?
Don't ask me. I don't know what
the hell is going on anymore.
That's it.
He's about to kill them.
I can't believe I let you
talk me into this.
We have to get her
out of there now.
- Just wait.
- I'd love a gun.
I don't know
what you told these guys,
but they're
very dangerous people,
so whatever you told them,
you need to untell them.
- Ho ho ho!
- Kate!
Wowee, wowee.
This is what I'm talking about.
- Kate?
- Shut up. My name's Monarch.
Listen.
- Even, like, a little gun.
- Shh.
This is who you sent
to pick us up, Ari? Come on.
Listen. I don't know
what you think you're doing,
- but you need to stop...
- Ho ho ho!
You are the worst criminal I've
ever worked with in my life.
Took you about five minutes
to spill your guts, Andy.
What? "Andy"?
- "Andy"?
- Hello, Andy.
- Hi, Andy.
- Hello, Andy. Ha ha ha!
t's Raggedy Andy.
Ha ha ha!
I told you that in confidence.
I love these girls.
Poker club? Please.
Wheels...
excuse me... Andy, take seat.
Ha ha ha! You got bitch-slapped.
Now you sit.
Andy. Shit, I'd want
to be called Wheels, too.
Good girl.
She's got balls.
I give her that.
Is this fun for you?
Who is that?
Romanticize my very being
Till the thought of me
corrupts the youth
I just want the truth, baby
I just want it a-all,
I just want it a-all
I just want the truth, baby
That is an awesome pantsuit.
Why'd you come back?
- I came back to save you.
- Great job.
You don't need
to be slapping people.
Let's make this quick.
The jet's leaving
within the hour.
- I'd like to be on it.
- Yes, ma'am. Ari?
In here. Look.
I hope, for your sakes,
this painting's real.
Keep an eye on them.
Watch my back.
Welcome. Thank you for coming.
Hello, Ari.
I'm the one you spoke to.
Ha ha! Wowee, wowee, wowee.
So much better.
Who are they?
This is Viceroy and Monarch.
They are the ones
who steal the painting.
Yeah. I heard about them.
You guys are gonna
be huge one day.
May I get you something
to drink?
I have soda, chips,
so much in back.
No. I don't need snacks.
I don't even want to know
what you have in the back, OK?
The only thing I'm interested in
is a lost Van Gogh painting.
Right, right. It's...
I can't believe you found it.
Boy Peeing On Sunflowers.
- Cool.
- It's real?
Now let's see if it's real.
Of course it's real.
Of course.
Crazy. There's no painting
on the back.
Come on, come on, come on.
Why is she taking so long?
- I don't like this.
- Shut up.
OK.
Crazy person painted.
You can tell.
Good job.
I never thought that I would
see this painting in person.
Do you know that Van Gogh
once said...
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever.
Do you have my money?
Of course.
Gotcha! Yes.
I can't believe it.
It actually worked.
Right. I'm going in there.
Hold on. We're gonna
wait for them to leave.
But she's right there.
We're not gonna go in there
and start a shootout.
These girls are in high school.
Call it in and have
a team on standby.
I'm actually with her
on that one.
I think that's a good call.
I know. I know. Shut up.
- You can count it if you like.
- I trust you.
You are beautiful woman.
I, heard this painting
is worth millions.
You'll make a lot of money
when you sell it.
I already have a lot of money,
and I'm not gonna sell
this painting, but I wouldn't
expect you to understand that.
You're right. I don't.
We're done here, Ari.
Hey, Ari!
Ari, I got your money!
How many buyers did you line up?
None. None.
Ari, I got your money.
Would you like to see
a magic trick?
- Aah!
- Get down! Come on!
Come on out! Let's go!
Go! Come on!
What the hell
is going on in there?
I told you we should've gone in.
- I'll come with you.
- You stay here.
Thank God.
I don't know why I said that.
I did not mean that.
I'll cover the front.
You take the back.
All right.
Hey... watch yourself.
You, too.
I'm an idiot.
- You girls all right?
- Yeah.
OK. Out on the rink,
I'm gonna cause a distraction.
Go!
- Aah!
- Aah!
Shit.
You could've been rich,
you greedy bastard.
I didn't set you up.
He's clown
with gambling problem.
Safari!
Why are you yelling, "Safari"?
That's what the FBI told me
to say if we're in trouble.
The FBI?
Ha ha! It's party time.
I ran back to the hotel
to call the cops,
but the FBI was already there.
They told me I had to come back
and do this.
- What? Safari!
- Safari!
You have what you want.
Just leave.
You better spend all that money
on disappearing.
That's the whole point.
I'm out! We got to go! Come on!
Stupid Red!
FBI. Drop your weapons.
Down on the ground.
Can't shoot us
if we're not armed.
Make us.
You know what?
That actually sounds
really nice.
FBI. Don't move.
FBI? Shit, damn, crap.
Aah!
- You set me up!
- Sorry!
- Ooh!
- Go!
Ooh!
Kate, Kate, are you OK?
Did you get shot?
Yeah.
Is that a bulletproof vest?
Yeah. Pretty cool, right?
- My God, you're an idiot.
- I know.
Do you know what happens
to bitches who snitches?
Ari, Van Gogh fuck yourself.
- Hey, Ari.
- Ooh!
That's it. I'm going in.
Yargh. I'll wait five minutes.
I'll wait five minutes.
Five minutes, then I'll go in.
Ten minutes.
Yeah, right.
Ooh!
Ooh!
Hah!
- Whoa, nice.
- Yeah. Well, you know...
- Where's The Collector?
- She got away.
She can't have gotten far.
Come on.
15 minutes, then I go in.
No way.
That's it. It's go time.
Aaaah!
What?
What?
Yes!
U.S.A. Yes!
Ho ho!
Well, well, well, hello.
No big deal,
just took out The Collector.
I don't want to talk about it.
- All right, Brian.
- Yeah. That's right.
Now, you see, I saw her there,
and I knew who she was
because of what we've been
saying, and so I...
I automatically knew.
You know, I used
the IPDE process...
identify, predict,
decide, execute...
really hit her hard, too.
She didn't see it coming.
The look on her face
I'll remember forever.
She's not dead, is she?
Damn it.
OK.
All right.
Hundred large.
Thanks for the gig, Ari.
Good luck in Brazil.
You girls all right?
We'll live.
- Thanks for coming back for us.
- Sorry about that.
I really didn't trust you
until I got back home
and smelled your clothes
in the back seat of my car.
Yeah. We're probably gonna
need those back.
Kate?
Where are you? Kate!
Guys, chill. It's the FBI.
I'm over here. Safari.
The FBI? What the hell?
- Freeze.
- Let me see your hands.
Hands in the air.
Guys, it's cool.
It's cool.
This is Abby. This is Andy.
He was our driver
I was telling you about...
he literally just
saved our lives...
and that's Ari.
Hey, Ari,
nice meeting you in person.
Who are you guys?
They're the real
Viceroy and Monarch.
The one I was supposed
to pick up at the motel?
- Yep.
- And you're cops?
Well, not exactly.
We work for an undercover unit
that specializes
in recovering lost
and stolen artwork.
It's complicated.
After everything
that's happened,
this is probably
the only thing that makes sense.
- No way.
- I tried to tell you.
We should leave before
the local cops get here.
I don't want to fill out
all that paperwork.
Yeah. You're right.
That sounds horrible.
Am I under arrest?
- No.
- No...
but the three of you
are coming with us.
There's one more thing
we got to take care of.
Get a move on.
Coming.
Crazy night?
Yup.
Are you mad at me?
No.
You ready for this?
Yeah. Let's do it.
I just want to go home.
That was it?
Make it look so much better
in the movies.
They make losing your virginity
look better in the movies, too.
Movies are full of sh...
You guys did
a great job tonight.
So what happens now?
Are we in trouble?
No. As long
as you guys don't tell anybody
about your involvement here,
this car is the last link
between us
and what happened tonight.
We won't tell if you won't.
We made a deal
when I got back to the motel.
They said as long as
I helped them,
they won't tell anyone.
You did that for me?
Someone had to clean
this mess up.
All we wanted
out of this was The Collector.
With her in custody,
we will recover millions
in stolen artwork.
See you around, ladies.
What about me?
What about old Brian?
You guys put
a loaded gun in my mouth,
made me hit a strange lady
with my dad's car,
which you just blew up.
Well, you can't
win them all, Brian.
Sucks for you.
Sucks for me?
I didn't win any of them.
I won nothing.
I didn't win anything.
Sun's about to rise.
If my dad finds out
we went out last night,
then he finds out,
doesn't matter anymore.
We can still make it.
Let's go.
Sorry about that.
You all right?
Yeah. Don't worry about us.
We're fine.
Yeah. We're fine. Go faster.
I can't believe the FBI
let you blow up that car.
I know, right?
I've always wanted to do that.
- Me, too!
- It was so badass.
Even if we get caught,
it was so worth it.
Yes. Whoa!
Hey, you're not
gonna get caught.
You're going to college,
and Kate, she's going to Europe
to do her thing
with a bunch of dudes.
My God, I am not
gonna go to Europe.
Staying here to do her thing
with a bunch of dudes.
I'm not gonna do anything
with any dudes, OK?
My parents can't pay
for college.
Why didn't you
just tell me that?
I found out this morning,
and I'm embarrassed, OK?
I know how excited you are
about college.
I don't want to ruin
your whole thing.
Kate, there's really nothing
to be embarrassed about.
There are so many
successful people
who don't even end up
going to college,
and you could go to
community college or something.
Maybe I'd even stay and go
to community college with you.
- What? You would?
- Hell, no.
- Aah!
- Aah!
Ladies, we're getting close.
Put your clothes on.
- Gross!
- These smell so gross.
- Whoa, Andy!
- Andy!
Ha ha! See?
I told you we'd make it.
- Hey, we still got time.
- Thanks, Andy.
Hey, no worries.
Maybe we should
take a second to thank me,
the one who saved the day.
What? You smacked me
in the face twice.
Yeah, and I was held hostage
with guns.
Don't be so dramatic.
Ha! You know what?
Actually, I should be
thanking you guys.
If you didn't wander
into my vehicle by mistake,
I'd be dead or in jail by now,
so thank you,
and here's a little something
for your college fund.
Are you serious?
Better take it
before I change my mind.
See? Everything's gonna
work out.
My God, we should go back,
sell an actual painting
on the black market.
No. We... we need to go.
- You never listen to me.
- Bye, Wheels.
Bye, Andy.
Ha ha ha!
Hey, boo-boo. Hey.
I... I was just coming home. Yeah.
Hi.
Thank you for being early,
Kate and Abby.
Wow, smells a lot worse
than yesterday, you guys,
a lot worse.
Yeah, and there's... there's still
vomit in a couple spots,
so just be careful
where you sit.
Bro, I'm so sorry
I ever made fun of you.
I was just self-conscious
about my own identity,
so I took it out on you.
No. I was a dick.
You're a good guy.
Jessie, what's
going on? What's happening?
Hey, how are you?
Fine, except for
I fricking hate everyone.
What's happening here?
What's going on?
How was your night, you two?
Pretty good.
I mean, you guys probably were
having a lot of fun,
but we decided to sneak out
because it was getting all
stinky,
and so we got in the wrong car,
tried to sell a painting
on the black market.
The FBI showed up,
but they were super nice.
- It was weird.
- She got shot.
No. Yeah. Yeah, but it
was mostly marinara.
OK. Very funny,
Paula Poundstone.
Bear, stop laughing.
Just stay in your seats, please.
Another awesome Saturday night?
Hey, Goldstein,
we gonna stop for breakfast?
No. We're not. No. We're not.
You don't know how to have fun.
Let's party.
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
And if you feel
like quitting
Letting go of everything
You gotta break
that haunted silence, man
Like a dusty bell
that don't ring
I wanna feel the sea
I wanna just for once be me
I wanna lose control
of everything I've ever known
I know, I know
All I want is to live
in your memories
I wanna be a part
of something bigger than me
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Na na na na na na na na
Standing ground,
little fighter
Holding tight
is what you do
Who's to say
I'll always love you?
You hide away
from all the answers
Always dancing
round the truth
Please explain
what angels mean to you
Red, orange, yellow, green
But I can't get past blue
Red, orange, yellow, green
I just can't get past you
Na na na na na na na na
na na na na na na