Bad Taste (1987) Movie Script

Hello, emergency.|What service did you require, please?
Hello, quick, anybody,|just get help!
- Where are you calling from, sir?|- Kaihoro, phone box.
There was this roaring noise|and a big white light in the sky...
and then... these...|invaders started killing us!
Hold on, sir, I'll connect you|with the Internal Affairs Dpt.
- No time, they're after me...|- Hello?
Is there anybody there?
What do you think, Minister?
Call a full-scale invasion alert, sir.
I'll phone the forces,|fighters frigates, footsloggers...
Perhaps that could all be|a bit showy.
I think this is a job for real men.
Just stop right there!
Stop!
I think you'd better kill him, Barry.
Jeez, he could be|Ministry or Works...
No, he's moving too fast.
Stop!|This is definitely your last chance!
That's the story!
I always thought you were|left-handed.
No, the head shot's|the only true stopper.
Aw Jeez!
I hope I'm not the poor bastard|that's got to clean that up.
Jesus!
Stick all the bits of brain|in a plastic bag, Barry.
We'll need them for analysis.
No bloody way, mate.|Come down here and do that yourself.
You're the yung-ho scientist.
All right.|I'll be down straight after lunch.
But at least take a blood sample.
No need.|I'll just wring my strides out.
Well, at least we got|one live specimen.
Yeah.
Seen anyone else about,|Barry?
No, the place is completely|deserted.
They're probably all dead,|that's at least 75 people.
Jeez, I just hope we're in time|to save the world.
Well, I just hope you got it right|this time.
No doubt about it, Barry.|I've been watching the skies.
And do you know|what the skies did?
- They pointed...|- They pointed at this place.
Why can't aliens be friendly?
There's no glowing fingers|on these bastards.
We've got a bunch of extra-terrestrial|psychopaths on our hands.
Like a... visit from a planet|full of Charlie Mansons.
They've wiped out|a small town for starters.
It's my guess they'll go on|to something bigger next time.
- Christchurch, Wellington...|- Auckland?
Yeah, well, that wouldn't be so bad.
Well, you'd better contact|the others, Derek.
They should be in range now.
Tell them to keep an eye out...
for someone who could be|heading this way.
- Who?|- A collector.
There's some appeal on.
There's envelopes stuck|on all the doors...
and today's collection day.
There's something that's|just occurred to me too, mate.
What's that?
That joker you topped a while back.
He might have friends.
I'd keep my eyes skinned|if I were you.
You needn't worry.|I'm not stupid, thanks...
Come in, Frank.|Ozzy, are you there?
Boys, are you there?
Turn it down, Ozzy!
That's elevator music|for headbangers.
Frank! Ozzy!|Are you there?
Yeah, we're here, mate, but could|you use the proper call-sign?
- There could be people listening.|- There's nobody for miles, Frank.
Besides, I don't think|whispering's going to help.
He's got a point there, Frank.
What do you mean, nobody for miles?|I thought you were in Kaihoro.
I am in Kaihoro|and I was right all long.
- They've done the entire town.|- Who's done the town?
The extra-terrestrial low-lifers.
And guess what!|We've caught one of the bastards!
Me and Barry got him|loping over the hills...
just like he owned the bloody place.
Now do you believe me?
Jeez, look, Derek,|just keep him there.
- You got him secured?|- Bloody oath!
Right, now don't touch him.|We'll be there in 45 minutes.
Whatever you do, don't harm him.|No physical violence!
Another thing, Derek,|keep a careful look-out.
- There could be more about.|- There was! Down on the beach!
Hell, well, look.|Don't go near him.
- It's a little late for that, Frank.|- What?
It wasn't me.
Barry shot his head off.|He had the magnum.
I knew it was a mistake|to issue weapons.
We're a government department,|not a para-military unit.
The Astro-Investigation|and Defence Service.
Wish they change that name!
Due to the potentially|dangerous hazards involved...
All right, at least you managed|to convince the minister.
Aren't you interested|in this joker we caught then?
- Course we are, Derek.|- Right.
Stay where you are and I'll give you|an eye-witness description...
of this inter-galactic wanker.
Well, I would describe him|as sort of human-shaped.
He's got jeans|and a blue shirt on.
Christ, he's nabbed|a bloody farmer!
Yeah, but there's something|strange about him though.
Like he's got a screw loose|or something.
It is a bloody farmer!
Yeah, Derek strikes again!
Is this another false alarm like the|Manners Street Invasion Alert?
How do you explain the disappearance|of an entire township then, Frank?
The Kiwi Jonestown,|of course, that's it.
Drinking beer laced with cyanide|from little polystyrene cups.
Yeah, yeah, OK.|Derek, just do me one favour.
What?
Try not to make him extinct|before we get there. Out!
Christ, what a dork!|How the hell did he get in this team?
Well, this has buggered your plans|for conquering the universe?
My friend, the astro-bastard.|Time for talkies.
By the time my colleagues|get here...
I want to have you babbling|in some extra-terrestrial language.
Now, in case you don't want|to do what you're told...
I could always encourage you|by hammering this cold steel...
into your fibula.
It'll sure poke a nasty hole|in your marrow, mate.
We'll get the old ball rolling?
Now, what are you dirty hooers|doing on my planet?
Oh, bugger it!
Well, looks as if it's time|for the old count of ten.
One...
Two...
Three...
Six...
Seven, eight...
Nine...
Ten.
Derek!
Derek!
Derek!
Come in, Derek!
What?
Oh, jeez!
Oh, I should have expected that.
- Derek!|- All right!
Quickly, Derek!
Come on!
Jeez, Barry, you've got|awful timing. What?
Just listen to me.|You've got to get out of there fast!
Five of those blue-shirted freaks|are coming up.
They heard their mate screaming.
Get out of there fast, Derek.
I can't do that.|I'm a Derek.
Dereks don't run.
Well, get up a tree or something.
Yeah, look, don't worry.|I've taken precautions.
Oh, shit!
Shit!
Bastards!
Eat lead, sucker!
Mummy!
I think this is going a little bit|over the top, Ozzy.
Nah, this'll do the trick.|Nobody'll be coming up this road.
But the nearest nuclear|reactor's in America.
But it could have been an explosion on|one of those Springbok warships.
Frank!|Ozzy!
Frank! Ozzy!|Come in!
Yeah, what is it, Barry?
Jeez, you guys,|we're in trouble this time.
It's really hit the fan.
Derek's wiped out|five of these alien jokers.
The place is like a bloody abattoir.
Where's Derek now?
Well, he's...|he's turned his toes up, guys.
Took a dive off the bloody cliff.
He's popped his rivets.
Poor Derek!
Who's going to look after|his aviary now?
Yeah, birds were the only thing|he could relate to.
Right, we'll be there|in about fifteen minutes.
No, I think it'll be best|if you stay where you are.
Just get the car off the road|until I call you back.
I'm going to head off in the direction|that alien joker was going...
when me and Derek caught him.
He must have been going|somewhere.
They've probably got a base|up there or something.
They don't need a base.|They beam down from their spaceship.
Well, maybe they haven't seen|Star Trek, Ozzy.
Come on!
Shit!
Bye, bye!
That's my overtime up to date.|Here, do you want to do yours?
Hey, Frank!
Yeah, what is it, Barry?
Where exactly are you two?
About five miles from Kaihoro.
Yeah, well, just stay put.
I think I might have spotted something|and I'm moving in closer.
Finished, Oz?
Oh, shit!
Your phone...|Could I use your phone?
I was just... I was...
We've got trouble.
Good one!
Right, we're on our way.
I suppose you're wondering|why you're soaking...
in Reg's eleven|secret herbs and spices.
Tomorrow we're having you|for lunch.
You are the exotic|new taste sensation.
Human flesh is it!
You're going to be the first bit of meat|that we've had a chance...
to get our teeth into|since we arrived.
So we're going to treat ourselves|to a feast...
with you as the main course.
It's quite an honour really.
We'd better leave|so he can get some sleep.
I'll have the head, Reg.|I want to suck his brains out.
We ought to go back to|get reinforcements.
- That'll take a day.|- And the rest!
Take two days to do|the bloody paperwork.
Yeah, and by then that collector|bloke could be dead.
If he's not really.
Look, we'll go in...
after midnight.
Well, guess I'll have|to issue a gun to Ozzy.
Yeah, but don't forget about|his personality disorder.
Open season on E.T.s, Frank?
Remember, Ozzy...
Get in quietly, get out quietly.
I certainly hope that is the case.
Sorry, Oz.|We won't be needing that.
Bloody Barry!|Bastard!
What are we going to do|if we're spotted, Frank?
Well, I guess we shoot the bastards.
My turn to the magnum.
I just wish we didn't have|to wear all this crap.
Yeah, but you know|what the rules are.
When we work undercover|we have to remain faceless.
Oh, I get it, just in case we kill|a lot of innocent people.
Don't you forget, we're only|authorised to use violence...
when there's a threat|to the planet Earth.
- And the moon!|- And the moon!
There you go, Oz.|Stick this stuff on.
We ought to have a look around.
If these are aliens, they might have|parked their spaceship.
They might have come|in a telephone box.
Well, let's just get that guy out|and will contact base...
and give them|the code-words for invasion.
"The bastards have landed."
"The bastards have landed."
I'll be there in a moment, Robert.
Welcome, my friends.|The job is almost done.
We take off for home tomorrow.
I'm sure you'll be pleased|to be leaving this shitty planet.
In the meantime I must impress|upon you the importance...
of remaining in human form...
no matter how awkward, uncomfortable|and ugly it makes you feel.
We are so close to success|that we must take no chances.
Right.|Looks pretty quiet.
- Probably all gone to bed.|- Jeez, I hope not.
Right, synchronise watches.
Twelve-oh-one.
Check.
Check.
Let's go.|We're on triple time.
The sad news is that|we will be heading for Nalic Nod...
with six of our co-workers|in a state of permanent death.
They died today,|murdered by some real arse-holes.
Robert escaped their clutches|and reported back to me.
My God!
What the...|My God... the blood!
Shit!
Somebody could get killed in here.
Vacuum the floors,|clean the windows and...
all the boxes must be loaded into|the freezer early in the morning.
We've been wasting our time|unless we can present samples...
to the Nalic Nod Fast Food Authority.
Isn't it amazing how you can fit|a whole town of humans...
into a few card of board boxes,|if you slice off the fat?
It's the value of keeping your knife|sharp and your mind clean.
Jesus, guys, Derek was right!
This is what's left|of the people from Kaihoro.
They're in those boxes!
Get him, Barry!
For God's sake, guys,|keep it quiet!
Shut him up, Oz.
I've just cleaned that bit.
That's gross!
They come to bits easy!
Get rid of it!
The old magic's still there.
What are you doing, Frank?
I'm going to go in and find out|what's going on.
Here, he was carrying this.
You, stay here.
...the importance of keeping|the bloody books up to date.
The past week has been difficult...
and I would like to say|how proud I am of you all.
The manner in which you conducted|a very tricky slaughter operation...
has been a real credit to you|and indeed...
to the whole Crumb's Crunchy|Delights organisation.
Your paychecks will reflect|the gratitude of the company.
I don't think we'll have|any more trouble.
However...
we will be handing|these around later.
I am certain that...
when the homo sapiens taste takes|the galaxy by storm as it will...
Crumb's Crunchy Delights|will be back at the top.
McYaballow's Fried Moonrat|won't know what hit them.
All the livestock we need|are right here.
Four billion of them!
Right, Robert.
Once the Fast Food Authority|have checked the samples...
and issued|the Mass Slaughter Permits...
this grotty little planet|will tremble...
under the full might of|the Lord Crumb restaurant chain!
Within a year the giant mincer|will descend from the sky...
the sun reflecting|from its silver bits...
and no army on earth|will be able to stop...
the noddy-burger machine!
I see the gruel is ready!
An exquisite bouquet, Robert.
Aren't I lucky, I got a chunky bit!
Here you are, boys.
We'll bring out a whole line...
of homo-sapiens low-calorie|delicacies...
juicy raw rump...
brains soaked in lemon juice...
spinal fluid sauce...
assorted organ stew...
sapien-burguers...
and chewy homo nuggets.
Just before we leave tomorrow...
we'll have a little party dinner|with fresh local meat.
It's my show of appreciation|to you all.
Christ, you'll never believe|what I just had to do!
Did you have to drink|some chuck?
Come on, let's find that guy|and get out of here.
Goodnight, boys.
Goodnight, Reg.
Oh, Robert,|what a lovely little hottie!
You OK?
Careful!
- Thanks.|- Get dressed.
Door!
Well, at least we got in quietly.
Stay here!
Up here!
Got him!
Good one!|Get the bastards!
There's more outside!
Split up!|Send the boy up here!
Come on!
How many did you see?
About eight or nine.
Nah, there's heaps more.
That's one less.
- Ever been in a gun battle before?|- No.
Me neither, but this one's|going to be beaut.
Go, Frank!
Cover the back!
Gotcha!
Come on!
Look out!
I bet that cleared his sinuses.
That's another beer|you owe me, Oz.
Let's go that way.
You reckon?
Too right!
Bastard!
Bastard!
Go, I'll cover you!
Where the hell's Barry?
Oh, sod it!
Oh, shit!
Jeez!
The gun, Robert!
Come on, Barry,|stop farting around!
Right, let's go out of here.
What the hell is that?
- Well, it sounds to me like...|- Oh, shut up, codpiece face!
You three, kill them!
The rest of you get these bodies|on board the ship.
- Jeez, they're real dickheads!|- Derek was right all along.
Get him, Oz!
Get down!
Oh, bloody hell!
Come on, baby!
Keen jogger, mate?
Should have bought a Holden,|Frank!
What's up, Oz?
You go on, I'm going to go back|and stop those bastards.
- We're supposed to be going for help.|- You go.
Besides, you're not going|to be back in time to stop them.
Come on!
Good one!
That was my car!
Just go to the nearest phone|and call head office.
- Hi, my name's Giles Copeland.|- Yeah, I'm Barry, let's go.
That's the end of those|weekend cowboys!
Let's go home.
Jesus, Oz, what are you doing?|That's an historical homestead!
Yeah, I know it.
I've got another one here, too.
Wankers!
For God's sake, Oz,|put that thing down.
Let's get in there|and hit the leader.
Wait for me!
Holy shit!
OK then!
Quit playing with them.
Good one!
Derek!
- Bastards!|- Jesus!
- He's gone apeshit!|- Bastard!
Let's get the hell out of here!
- Are you all right?|- Get the launcher!
Blast the bastard!
No!
Ozzy!
Frank!
Where the hell are you going?|Come here!
Holy shit!
Derek!
Jeez, Oz...
Here you go, mate.
I don't smoke.
Bastards!
Hello, are you there?
Mummy!
...very well really.
But then these pricks|tried to take us on...
but we soon fixed them...
Lost all the scummy|third-class labourers...
but I've got some great samples...
I'll be home|in about twenty minutes.
Hold the line!
Shit!
Suck my spinning steel, shithead!
I'm born again!
I'm coming to get you, bastards!