Baked Bean (2022) Movie Script
[melodic orchestral music]
[dramatic orchestral music]
[logo whooshing]
[light melodic music]
[dramatic orchestral music]
[soft electronic music]
[car rumbling]
- What's the problem now?
- He was bloody rude.
You didn't hear him offer
you the coffee, that's all.
He didn't pass me a plate.
I saw him do it.
I'm not going to his dumpy house again.
He's lived there a year,
still it's a building site.
It's disgusting, to expect
people to eat there.
And anyway, I'm just your appendage.
That's not true.
You're sticking up for him again.
I am.
What are you smiling at?
It's not funny, you know.
It was lunch, some
flickers, a gaggle of gays,
I had a good time.
In this instance, you're wrong, end of.
End of, who do you
think you are, my mother?
Girlfriend, perhaps?
You should take my side,
not his, not anyone else's.
I can't do that when you're wrong,
we've talked about this before.
No, it doesn't matter
whether I'm right or wrong,
you should stick up for me.
It's the same difference
and I do stick up for you all the time.
[Julie] Why doesn't
it feel that way then?
I don't know.
[car rumbling]
God, not one of those
sandwiches was vegan.
Jordan forgot again that
I'm lactose tolerant.
Oh, I'm all bloated.
[Julie] What about me?
We can't be in each
other's pockets 24/7,
it's not good for us.
Why not?
I've got my rugby, my
mates, my mum, work, you?
Jean and Judy spend
all their time together.
[laughing] They're miserable.
I want a baby.
Well, I don't.
[car rumbling quietly]
[crow cawing]
Get out of my car, get out!
We're in the middle of nowhere.
I don't care, get out of my fucking car!
[car door clicking]
Get out!
I mean it, get out, fuck off!
[car door thudding]
[car rumbling]
[crow cawing]
[dog barking]
[melodic upbeat music]
She don't look at you the way I do
Secure in my sexual needs
Now I aim to get her too
Feelings are starting
to seep in my heart
Deep in my soul
There's desires in both of us
Come on, let them go
Secrets should be discussed
What's happened
What's happened to the way I feel
What's happened yet,
what's happened yet
Even in this crowded room
People laugh and scream and shout
I'm drawn closer to you
What's all this about
Are my feelings all an illusion
He should be my best friend
I caused all this confusion
What's happened
What's happened to the way I feel
What's happened yet
What's happened yet
[melodic upbeat music]
[toaster crackling]
[electricity popping]
[fire whooshing]
[fire alarm ringing]
[footsteps thudding]
My God, we were lucky.
Lucky to get out alive.
My office, my business, what the fuck?
What happened?
Electrical.
I told you to get rid of that toaster.
It was an heirloom.
[sirens wailing in distance]
[fire alarm ringing]
We need a place to work now.
[melodic piano music]
[thunder rumbling]
[rain pattering]
[door thudding]
[Janice sighing]
Cow, Susan pulled another
sickie yesterday, lucky bitch.
Have you just done a double shift again?
Bloody have.
[Janice] It's not good for
you not getting your sleep.
Got you by the balls here,
I have no fucking choice.
[sighing] I know, I know,
dance or fuck off.
And half the buggers in here
need putting down anyway.
Room 65 hasn't left
her bed for three years.
Poor cow, she's forever shitting in it.
Oh, I don't smell it anymore.
I'd look for another
job, but with this work,
nobody ever sees you as
anything other than a bum wiper.
I'm a qualified electrical engineer.
Never thought I end up
in a shithole like this.
I went into this because I cared,
but the wages have gone
down and I can't live on it.
[paper tearing]
Capitalism.
Hm.
Best get on with it then.
Wash time, Nora.
I'll lift her up.
Keep still, you stupid, old bitch.
Grab her hair!
[blow thudding]
Ah!
[melodic orchestral music]
She broke my fucking nose!
[rain pattering]
[thunder rumbling]
[footsteps thudding]
[melodic orchestral music]
[phone ringing]
Hello.
Miss Tingle, this is David Newby here,
I'm the carer in charge of your mother.
You got my message then?
Yes, I did.
Well, then you can see why I'm annoyed.
Your mother attacked another
patient and some nurses.
It's in her record that she's violent,
when she's in an environment
that she's not familiar with.
And why didn't the alarm go
off when she left her room?
I'm not at liberty to discuss that.
Of course you're not, we
can all pull that rubbish,
therefore I'm under no obligation
to discuss this matter
with you any further.
We need to find another
place for your mother to go.
Yes, you do, but I've
done your job already,
I found a place, I'll be
picking up my mother later.
Goodbye.
[receiver clattering]
[David exhaling heavily]
Oh, I am loving this
homeworking situation.
It's only until I find a new office.
All right, out with it,
what's happened now?
Nothing.
Nothing, why?
I can always tell when
your panties are in a bunch.
Don't worry, Laura,
Jordan and I have known
each other a long time.
Too long.
Another bad weekend?
Yeah, until we came to yours for lunch.
That beef was very expensive.
Yeah, but you didn't
offer her any coffee.
Yes, I did, she's deaf.
Did she go off on one
again, moan about my house?
Major meltdown.
So I ruined your weekend?
Ah, you know me, I'll
see the best in everything.
I had a lovely time skipping
through the piss needles.
[birds chirping]
[hand thudding]
Goddammit!
I've allocated the budget
for this application.
Good, the client's
breathing down my neck on top.
I thought you were a top.
I am.
It'll sort the incoming information
into chronological order and
then in order of importance.
[phone alerting]
Another developer,
they're raising a ticket.
People don't like that, do they?
That's procedure.
You simplified the process as well.
These dumb buggers can't cope.
[sighing] I had a
girlfriend once who was rich.
She didn't even earn her
own money, she inherited it.
Her family owned pine forests in Scotland,
since the 17th century.
[soft accordion music]
You know, we lived in
Paris, when she dumped me.
[phone alerting]
About time.
I was in a meeting.
You're always in a meeting.
What do you want?
Just called to say hello.
I've been invited to
drinks at Jordan's on Friday.
I'm not going.
I'll go on my own.
What'll I do?
Well, I don't know.
What's wrong?
Are you serious?
You dumping me in the middle of nowhere
at the side of the road,
that's what's the problem!
I came back for you, but you were gone.
[phone shattering]
Wasn't that work's phone?
[door thudding]
Nora Tingle's escaped again.
What, how?
The alarm pad in her
room was never mended.
I reported it three weeks ago.
Well, who's looking for her?
No one, I'm not, I've not got the time
and she's been missing
as far as I can tell
for a couple of hours.
Christ, bloody useless.
Don't blame me!
It's your tight rein on the
budget that caused this, not me.
[door clicking]
Fuck's sake!
[melodic guitar music]
[door thudding]
[melodic guitar music]
That report you asked for.
[Jordan] That was fast.
Well, I don't like to have
a lot of work left on my desk.
How long have you known Bertha then?
About five years, we worked
at another company together.
You want me to put in a word for you?
Of course not.
You sly, old dog.
I'm home now, you ready?
[traffic rumbling quietly]
[birds chirping]
All right, man delivery!
[door thudding]
[shower pattering]
[shower curtain rattling]
[birds chirping]
[bag thudding]
[Bertha] Okay, come
on, ladies, let's set up,
we'll go for two V ones.
[players laughing]
Ready?
Yep, that's it.
- Yep, ready?
- Yep.
[players chattering]
- Oh, sorry.
- Bad luck, Hannah.
- Just wait for it.
- Yeah.
How's your love life?
[Bertha exhaling heavily]
Ooh!
Yeah, don't ask.
Is your mum all right?
Yeah.
Well, so so, you know how it is.
Come on!
Yes, go on, girl.
[players chattering]
[Player] You have to run
diagonally though, don't you?
[soft orchestral music]
[car door thudding]
[soft orchestral music]
[door clicking]
[door thudding]
- Hi, you alright?
You alright, mate, how's it going?
Yeah, it's fine.
[birds chirping]
[door clicking]
[door thudding]
Give me your key.
But I live here.
Pack your shit and get out!
Where will I go?
Out!
[soft orchestral music]
[bag thudding]
[soft orchestral music]
That's mine.
[object clattering]
And you can take your spunk with you.
[bottle thudding]
[soft orchestral music]
[door clicking]
[door thudding]
[soft orchestral music]
[birds chirping]
[suitcase wheels rattling]
[Bertha sighing heavily]
Really?
Mum, come back!
[melodic orchestral music]
Mum!
Mum!
Mum!
Mum!
[melodic orchestral music]
Where's Bertha?
I'm Bertha, Mum.
I know you are, I
want to go to the park.
Should we give you
a wash then first, eh?
[water sloshing]
[phone ringing]
Your dad did love you, you know.
Yeah, when he wasn't at work.
It's not our fault you're a dyke.
It's not my fault either.
[Bertha muttering under breath]
[water sloshing]
It's a nice world map they've given you.
Who gives a fuck about that?
[gentle orchestral music]
[water sloshing]
She's gone.
[Jordan] Really?
No, I just cleared up the mess.
[Jordan] I'll be there in five.
[sighing] Bring tequila.
[Carl] Carl Lewis here.
I've moved Nora Tingle to Clearview House.
[birds chirping]
She was meeting men on the sly.
Lucky bitch.
No, seriously.
I am.
I can't find anyone.
Oh, she'd left a bottle of
spunk on the kitchen side.
Where'd she find them?
Online.
I'm online, what am I doing wrong?
I, um, hacked her email account.
You're bad, Bertha Tingle, really bad.
Yeah, she'd meet them
at a local sandwich shop,
drag them back here and-
Milk them?
Oh, nasty.
Depends on your perspective.
Well, here's to being single.
[glasses clinking]
Again.
[melodic guitar music]
They have oat milk, don't they?
Definitely.
Don't want you blowing
up in this meeting, do we?
Getting all windy.
[soft upbeat music]
Ah, there's no sugar.
[birds chirping]
It's four sugars, isn't it?
Yes, that's right, four.
I'll put them in for you.
[phone alerting]
[soft upbeat music]
I don't do dating apps.
[phone alerting]
[soft upbeat music]
Maybe you two should date.
She's too good for me.
Um, no, not really.
What's so funny about that?
Nothing, nothing, I don't
know, we work together.
It's not something I've thought about.
You agree, don't you, Laura?
[phone alerting]
I've got you a date.
What?
[phone alerting]
On clittering.com.
[phone alerting]
[soft upbeat music]
[Laura sighing softly]
[phone alerting]
Wow, you're popular,
must be that photo I took of
you in Tunisia in the sauna.
[phone alerting]
[soft upbeat music]
What have you done?
[phone alerting]
[soft upbeat music]
[birds chirping]
[melodic orchestral music]
Oh, hi, I'm Bertha, Bertha Tingle.
Jenny Downes.
[screeching string music]
[melodic guitar music]
[laughing] Right.
[Bertha] Right.
[Jenny] It's a sight joke,
someone keeps trying to
put the cork back in!
[both laughing]
[Bertha] Oh, right,
yeah, yeah, I see it now.
Yeah!
[both laughing]
Ooh, rugby, eh?
I've never played it,
watch it on TV though.
Yeah, my dad got me into it.
Oh, does he come and watch you play?
He's dead, but I only coach now.
Oh, it's shame that.
My mam's dead, hard knocks, eh?
It's life.
Yeah.
So IT, you must have a brain on you.
I'm dyslexic actually.
But it's Head of Robotics
Process Automation.
No books for you then.
Oh, you're not missing much, honestly.
[both laughing]
[birds chirping]
I work part-time in a shop in town.
Oh, which one?
Choc N Roll, I'm a
barista, trained and all.
[birds chirping]
I've, um, got another secret.
I'm a gamer.
Oh, that's brill,
oh, so am I, I love it.
Oh, right, 'cause I've
got a right bean on.
[birds chirping]
[video game weapons firing]
[melodic orchestral music]
Oh, oh!
Ooh, oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah, keep, oh, keep going there.
Oh, my God, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Oh, oh, my God, yeah.
[both laughing]
[soft melodic music]
[birds chirping]
[Jordan] Hello, there, how are you?
[water running]
Just about to have a Horlicks.
[Jordan] Horlicks? Oh, yuck.
Or are you having an
orgy and not inviting me?
No, no. [laughing]
[Jordan] Do you wanna
go out on Saturday night?
[Laura] Oh, I'd love
to, um, is Bertha coming?
I can ask her if you'd like.
Oh no, you-you don't have to, I-I only-
I get it, it'd be fun
for all of us to go out.
Okay, if you're sure.
I'll message her now,
she's probably at home gaming or ironing.
Ironing?
[water dripping]
[melodic orchestral music]
[soft orchestral music]
[soft orchestral music continues]
[phone ringing]
Hello?
[Benjamin] Miss Tingle?
Yeah.
[Benjamin] It's Benjamin
Penderast from GWRK Homes.
Yeah.
[Benjamin] I don't know how to say this,
but um-
Just say it.
[Benjamin] Well, your
mother's gone missing.
What? Is anyone out looking for her?
[Benjamin] Er, no.
Oh, you useless bunch of bastards.
Just forget it, all right,
I'll find her myself.
[Bertha sighing]
[gentle guitar music]
[phone ringing]
Hey, girl, where are you?
I'm looking for my mum.
What?
Oh, she walked out of the home.
Where are you, is
there anything we can do?
Oh, Laura, thank you, oh, God.
Well, thank you, I don't
think she'll have gone far.
She wouldn't, look, what
was her favorite place?
What do you mean?
Did she have a favorite
place before she was taken ill?
Well, she has dementia, so I...
They remember that type of thing.
Oh, they do? All right.
Um, well, yes, the cemetery,
she always called it the park.
Yeah, that's it, at the
park, that's where she'll be.
Try there.
Thank you, yeah, I'll
try there, oh, thank you.
[breeze blowing]
[birds chirping]
[soft orchestral music]
[soft orchestral music continues]
[door clicking]
I've submitted my report for
Ashfield House last Friday.
Yeah, got it.
I was late with mine
for Clearfield House,
as we still have that plumbing
issue in five of the rooms.
Carl, the bed linen's not
being changed on time.
David, you're responsible
for your own problems,
you can't come in here
and expect us to fix it.
We're not saying you
personally have to come along
and help us, we just
really need the money.
We're sending a request and
they just go unanswered.
There's a procedure to this,
we just can't lose track
of how things are done.
Is there any way we
can speed the process up,
make it more streamlined?
Look, I sympathize
with your dilemmas, I do,
but there's no way we can change
the running order of things,
it's as simple as that.
What about the condom machines?
No, we can't have them.
Why not?
Three of my customers have got syphilis
and one of them's got a
raging case of gonorrhea.
Condoms are a great idea.
You need to give them other activities.
We can't stop them going
in each other's rooms.
It's a serious healthcare issue.
Condom machines send
the wrong kind of message.
What's wrong with them having sex?
Do you wanna stop them humping?
People know about it anyway.
That explains why our entry applications
are through the roof.
- Explain that, please.
Old people are queuing up for miles
to get into mine and David's homes.
So what do you wanna do today?
Don't mind.
Well, it's a Saturday,
one of my days off.
Would be nice to do something.
Yeah.
[car rumbling quietly]
[Bertha sighing]
[Jenny] Another day in paradise.
[blinker alert ticking]
What's up with your face, honestly?
[Bertha sighing]
Sucking on lemons.
I was thinking of something else.
[Bertha] Be my guest, sweetheart.
[sirens wailing in distance]
[background people chattering quietly]
New cleaner?
[laughs] That's Jenny,
Mum, my new friend.
You bean flickers know how
to sow your oats, don't you?
[phone ringing]
- Mum!
I've warned you before,
you'll bake your bean.
[solemn orchestral music]
[birds chirping]
You didn't ask me to come to this place.
I did, you could've said anything,
we could've gone to
London, park, zoo, Uranus.
You brought me here.
I wanted you to meet my mother.
It's full of old people.
[solemnt orchestral music]
Well, one day, if you're
lucky, you might be old too.
[birds chirping]
[soft upbeat music]
Thought it might be nice
to have a dinner party.
Please excuse the mess, bit of decorating.
[water dripping]
It's a nice way for you
and you know, Bertha
to spend some time together, eh?
She has a girlfriend.
Bertha's been raving about her.
Yeah, well, she never
mentioned her to me.
May the best flicker win.
[glasses clinking]
[both laughing]
[soft upbeat music]
[birds chirping]
[Bertha knocking]
[Bertha knocking]
[soft upbeat music]
Who wants a shot? Let's party!
[Bertha] Turn the music up!
It's a pansy paradise
And it's there for you
[Jordan] Show us your tits!
It's a pansy paradise
[Jordan] Whoo whoo! [laughing]
[Bertha] Whoo!
[Jordan] Whoo hoo, whoo!
[Bertha] Jordan, get me another drink.
[soft upbeat music]
[birds chirping]
Bertha, that new app
that you've created,
it's a marvel!
App? I thought you worked in water.
Bertha creates robotic applications
for lots of very important clients.
[soft upbeat music]
But what good is money anyway
at a time like this, eh?
You know, there's only
one white rhino left,
the platypus is almost extinct.
The ice caps are melting
and all we care about is
our next bloody cappuccino.
I've made chocolate surprise.
What's the surprise?
That would be telling.
I hope it's not orange, I hate orange.
I'm very picky about what
I eat and where I eat.
I've noticed.
[soft upbeat music]
Jenny, what are you up to these days?
Bertha didn't tell you?
[Jordan] Not a thing, so you tell me.
I'm writing scripts actually.
- Motion pictures?
- TV.
We're getting married.
[soft upbeat music]
80 guests.
[Bertha] Yeah, I've sent the new app.
What about the other issue?
[Bertha] What issue?
Your marriage?
I am not getting married.
You'll be off to Magaluf
next with your tits out
licking on some Greek
clit for your hen weekend.
I'm never getting married.
Why didn't you share
the good news with me?
We are not getting married.
[Interviewer] Do you have any children?
No, I have never been with anyone
either good enough or
long enough, I suppose,
but I have one great nephew
and I love him dearly
and spoil him terribly.
- I'm sure.
[Interviewee] He comes
to visit me quite often.
I married a Frenchman, didn't last.
- What happened?
- I chased another man
to San Diego and when
that didn't work out,
I couldn't face living in America anymore
and ended up here with my last penny.
[sighing] Could you not clean up?
I've been busy.
Doing what? You don't work.
Working on a script.
[laughs] I'd like to read that sometime.
You're dyslexic.
- I can read, you know!
- There's no need to shout.
I've had a crap day and
I come home to this mess.
I'm not your maid.
And I'm not your sugar mummy.
[Interviewee] And he proposed to me
under the shade of the Matterhorn,
he just liked it, he said he loved me.
[birds chirping]
[soft orchestral music]
[soft orchestral music continues]
[soft orchestral music continues]
[car rumbling]
[birds chirping]
I found a stationer that does a deal
on invitation printing for 50 and over,
we'll be having 80 guests.
You'd look great in that.
I'm not wearing a dress.
I'm not wearing a dress either.
We're not getting married.
Who's gonna pay for it all?
I booked a meeting with a caterer.
Then you need to cancel
it, I'm not marrying you.
Don't you love me?
I'm not paying for a wedding.
[phone ringing]
Hi, Jordan.
No, no, yep, that's fine, I can speak.
Yeah, yeah, no, that's all right.
Yeah, I heard.
[birds chirping]
Oh, nothing, I've just popped
out for something to eat.
[car door clicking]
[car door thudding]
I'll, um,
oh, shit, I'll have to call you back.
Oh, where's my car?
Fucking crazy bitch.
[tense melodic music]
[tires screeching]
[car rumbling]
[tense melodic music]
[tires screeching]
You crazy bitch!
[Bertha sighing]
[objects thudding]
[plush toy squeaking]
Monkey!
[window thudding]
[drape rattling]
Hey, you, it's been four days,
you need to check in or call.
We need another sesh at your place.
I still can't find a suitable office
and the big client's coming on Friday.
Call me, please.
[water dripping]
[background people chattering quietly]
Your dad was in earlier.
What did he have to say?
Wanted to know where you've been.
He said he hadn't seen you in ages.
[phone ringing]
- Oh.
He never did understand what you do.
I'm not girlie enough for him.
How's that nice girlfriend of yours?
[phone ringing]
I haven't got one.
She came here the other day.
She comes regularly,
reads to me,
lovely and calming.
Is she?
You want to keep that one?
Hm, I'll try.
She said you were busy at work.
[background people chattering quietly]
What's her name?
Don't you remember your
own girlfriend's name?
Thought I was the simple one.
You're not simple, Mum,
just a bit forgetful.
Her name's Laura.
Laura.
[background people chattering quietly]
[light melodic music]
You don't get to give me this shit,
Miss Sorry For My Big Arse Self.
Less of the big.
You've been AWOL for
over a week, a lifetime.
I've started seeing people.
Right.
You also don't get to be all jealous
and bent out of shape at my
newfound happiness either.
I'm not.
You're happy for me?
Yes.
Then tell your face.
Better, what's his name?
Benjamin and Carl, they are lovely.
Good for you.
All I find are monsters and nutters.
What's wrong with me?
Nothing's wrong with you, it's them.
Do I have Twat stamped on my forehead?
You'll have my fist imprinted there,
if you don't snap out of whatever this is
and pull yourself together.
It's easy for you to say.
I don't think so, do you?
It's not easy for any queer out here,
especially one as handsome as this.
Well, what should I do?
Go out, go online, stop pushing it,
stop playing housey-wousey
with each and every lezzer,
that you meet on the street.
I don't!
You do, listen, you're
really into gaming,
there's a gaming night in
Leamington Spa tonight,
why don't you go to it, here?
[phone alerting]
[mellow upbeat music]
[mellow upbeat music continues]
I tried to reason
To think it all through
My time a treason
They blotter my view
And you know we need the truth
I just want to have some proof
Can I be sure of you
Can I be sure of you
Take my pain and sleepless nights
Only you can make it right
Can I be sure of you
Can I be sure
[clock chiming]
[ID card clattering]
[clock ticking]
[phone alerting]
There you are, Mr. Jordan Tucker.
[Jordan] There you are, Mr. Carl Lewis.
What are you up to?
Working, I've got a lot to catch up on,
since my office burnt down.
I'd like to catch up with you.
Sounds good, will
Benjamin be there as well?
We'd like you to come over.
[Jordan] I want to be
the ham in your sandwich.
The bottle's chilled, the bed's warm
and the pickle jar's open.
God, yes, both of you please at once.
I've gotta finish here, about
an hour and I'll be free.
Great, what do you do again?
Create apps for work flow
systems, budgets, time keeping,
business tracking, you know,
so you can see at a glance
how your company's performing.
I don't, I just own old people's homes.
[Jordan] Yeah, you said.
Aye, it sounds like we
could do with your expertise,
not just those sexy lips of yours.
[Jordan] I'm sure we
can work something out.
Do your systems make crap
workers do a better job?
They can tell you how badly
they're performing, yeah
or how well.
I'm only interested in
catching the lazy ones,
the ones we fear are proper bastards.
We'll talk later then in bed.
[Jordan] Talk, what about the other?
You'll be seen by both of us later,
don't you worry about that, mister.
Let yourself in.
Mr. Lewis, Mr. Lewis, chew on my ear.
Mr. Lewis, Mr. Lewis, make me your queer.
[keyboard tapping]
Bertha, where are you? We've
got a new client, call me.
[keyboard tapping]
Hey, you.
Hey, you.
Coffee?
Yes, please.
[soft orchestral music]
[soft orchestral music continues]
Tasmania's diverse flora ranges
from the dry forests of the east
through the Alpine moorlands of the center
to the rainforests of the west.
Many of the state's
plants are unlike those
found in the rest of Australia
and have ties with species that
grew millions of years ago.
Well, how's it going?
It's wonderful.
Calm and loving, normal.
It's been the happiest month of my life.
Good for you.
Sorry I had to sneak off yesterday,
I needed to go see my mum.
It's fine, you're all caught up.
It's amazing how fast you work.
That's what Laura says.
What, how quick you
are with your tongue?
[both laughing]
[glasses clinking]
[background people chattering quietly]
Hello, Mum.
How long have you been here?
Oh, about half an hour, good day?
I was gonna bring you here eventually.
Oh, I've been coming here a while now.
I thought she was confused.
No, not all the time.
I like to read to her and to talk.
Blimey, really?
My mother had it too, it was terrible.
It hit my brother really hard.
He was her favorite.
Told you her name was Laura.
[soft orchestral music]
[Laura] So fancy going on holiday?
- Crikey!
- Should we go
to the island of Lesbos?
[both laughing]
Do you know where we're going?
[Bertha] Don't really care
as long as I'm with you.
If you turn left here,
we could go for a meal.
[both laughing]
[soft orchestral music]
[car rumbling]
[keyboard tapping]
Yeah, we can do, it could track that.
I'd need to talk to the team and find out,
but I don't see why not.
[doorbell ringing]
Oh, I'll get it.
That's great news,
I'll let the team know.
Thank you, bye.
- Bad news?
- Don't phish.
Another satisfied customer.
So how was your long holiday?
Oh, two weeks of perfection.
[computer alerting]
[phone alerting]
[melancholic orchestral music]
Who ordered all the dildos?
[traffic rumbling quietly]
Hey, darling, you've been busy today.
So, so.
Something wrong?
You tell me, I saw
the text from Big Dave.
[sighing] Look, I can, I can explain.
Don't bother, I can't cope.
I should've asked you if you were bisexual
or whatever sexual you are.
I just want one person or
woman to love me, just one.
It's over.
Wait, no, no, it's-
Over.
[melancholic orchestral music]
[birds chirping]
[background players chattering]
[equipment thudding]
All right, let's get
set up, do some rucking!
[background players chattering]
Two on the backs, three clear out!
[players grunting]
- Fucking hell!
- Yeah, back, go back.
[background players chattering]
Two on the backs, three clear out!
[background players chattering]
- Yeah, back, go back.
- Yeah.
80 guests, eh?
What?
Who have you been talking to?
Oh, you know, some of the team talks.
Getting married, aren't you?
No.
[kick thudding]
[ball thudding]
Ah!
[Bertha thudding to ground]
Oh, um, hi, I, I came to read to Nora.
You don't have to, you know.
I come for her, not
for any other reason.
Well, is it appropriate?
What, reading to someone?
You know what I mean?
Weather, weather, weather, weather.
It's not been good, too much rain.
Weather, weather.
Look, I'll get out of your way.
Let me explain.
You fancy men too, I don't,
I can't, it's not for me.
Weather, weather, weather.
It's a misunderstanding.
Just let it go, I have.
You have?
You bet.
Well, then I couldn't have meant
that much to you then, could I?
I suppose not.
Weather, weather, weather.
I am not bisexual!
[light melodic music]
She won't listen.
Why not?
She's an obstinate robotics
programmer, go figure.
I love her.
[gentle guitar music]
I love her in a way that I've
never loved anyone before.
She gets me
and we just work,
we click
and I know it shouldn't work on paper,
but it does.
[gentle orchestral music]
See, I love her obstinacy.
She's fierce and...
[Laura sighing]
My heart melts in her presence.
I'm lost without her
and I know it's pathetic,
but I just need to find myself again.
[gentle orchestral music]
[background people chattering quietly]
Your dad's late for dinner again.
His dinner will be cold.
He doesn't like cold chops.
Chops? I've done a piece of
beef for us, it wasn't cheap.
Did you get it from Sainsbury's?
God, no, too expensive.
Fine Fare, I always liked Fine Fare.
One on Ball Hill?
That closed years ago.
Mum, what am I gonna do?
I've got a great job, lovely home,
can't find anyone to share it with me.
[Nora] What are you on
about, what about Laura?
Lovely girl.
Which one was that?
What do you mean?
You've only had one girlfriend
before Laura, Julie.
Oh God, yeah, forgotten about her.
How could you do that?
She was a crazy cow, always
banging on about having a baby.
How the bloody hell was she gonna do that
without a cock and all?
I love you, Bertha, no matter what,
I love you.
Oh, Mum.
[gentle orchestral music]
[Laura] Hi, this is Laura.
Please leave a message after the tone.
[phone beeping]
[keys jangling]
[car door clicking]
[car door thudding]
[gentle guitar music]
[Carl] I've just come
from a meeting from hell,
a meeting where I've had my balls aired,
about all my people's lousy job skills.
I was just gonna message you.
Message me, you're too busy
to walk down the corridor
and see me in person?
I've raised those interviews,
I'll be doing them in
room 67 this afternoon.
Direct debit's not been set up.
I'm finishing off the paperwork.
She's been here nearly a month.
It takes time.
She's an NHS client,
she'll have over 23 grand
in the bank, we're able
to get at that, all of it.
Yeah, I know, it's not bad, eh?
I like it when you're like this.
You finished this as well? I'm amazed.
What with rugby, gaming, breaking hearts.
I've got the broken heart.
I didn't think you had one.
In the last five months,
I've been through the ringer.
Yeah and you've been so
wrapped up in your own world,
you don't give a damn about
anyone else, not even me.
That's not true.
Then what's this, eh, what's this?
A wedding ring!
Oh, my God, when did that happen?
It hasn't happened yet,
it's an engagement ring
and it's their name?
Their name? I don't get it.
There's three of us
in this relationship,
me, Carl and Benjamin.
That's not legal.
Who gives a shit about legal?
If we love each other
and I wanna marry one,
two or three guys, I will.
I'm polygamous, there,
[gentle guitar music]
I said it for the whole world to hear.
No more shame about who I am.
It won't be recognized.
By whom, my parents, my friends, you?
The state.
The state, the same
state that's persecuted me
my whole life?
What's worse is you didn't
even show up to my party.
[gentle guitar music]
Jordan!
[soft orchestral music]
You had a party?
We did, you were invited, my best friend
and you didn't even show up, thanks a lot.
I had no idea.
You've had your head
so far up your own arse,
you wouldn't even notice
if the world was ending,
which apparently it is.
She's run off with a man.
I just want one special person.
Look where that gets you, dumped.
I thought Laura loved me.
She hasn't run off.
I saw her text.
From who?
Dave, Big Dave.
You stupid cow.
It's hard enough keeping one person,
when they're into one thing,
let alone, when there's a whole load
of other genitals involved.
It's her brother, Dave, you idiot.
Another thing, what about trying-
Dave's her brother.
Brother?
Yes, you heard that right.
Yes, you certainly are.
But this is great news.
She's quit.
She landed a new job in
Paris, she leaves today.
[phone clattering]
- God!
She's moved to Paris?
[soft orchestral music]
She's at the station
on her way to London,
if you go now, you can catch her.
Go!
[soft orchestral music]
Hi, Laura, sorry to bother you.
I think you've left with our
year end financial reports
and I need them back, pronto.
[soft orchestral music]
Hi, Laura, sorry to bother you.
I think you've left with our
year end financial reports
and I need them back, pronto.
- Laura!
[gentle orchestral music]
I was a dick, I admit it.
You have to see it from my point of view.
Your point of view, Bertha,
we've all had a heartbreak,
we've all had a hard time of
it at one time or another,
it doesn't mean that
you can be such a dick.
You're right on every count.
Oh, I know the story, I
know all about your past.
You've got a new job in Paris?
I do, yeah and that
train I've just missed
means I'll miss the Eurostar
connection now, thanks.
[suitcase wheels rattling]
[train rumbling]
[gentle orchestral music]
I can't stop you getting on that train,
but think of this,
you'll have a great time
waiting six months for
your WiFi to work in France
and the plumbing
and negotiating the
nightmare of a French menu
and sipping those little
coffees in fancy cafes
and walking down the Champs-Elysees,
[gentle accordion music]
taking a boat on the Seine.
You wouldn't be there.
I'll take French lessons.
You're lactose
intolerant, you'll swell up.
I don't care, bring on the bloat.
You'd do that for me?
I love you, I don't even
care if you're bisexual.
Bring on the orgy.
[soft orchestral music]
I love you too.
I love this woman, you hear me, world?
I love Laura Stead!
[gentle accordion music]
[train rumbling]
[bright orchestral music]
[soft orchestral music]
[upbeat orchestral music]
[dramatic orchestral music]
[logo whooshing]
[light melodic music]
[dramatic orchestral music]
[soft electronic music]
[car rumbling]
- What's the problem now?
- He was bloody rude.
You didn't hear him offer
you the coffee, that's all.
He didn't pass me a plate.
I saw him do it.
I'm not going to his dumpy house again.
He's lived there a year,
still it's a building site.
It's disgusting, to expect
people to eat there.
And anyway, I'm just your appendage.
That's not true.
You're sticking up for him again.
I am.
What are you smiling at?
It's not funny, you know.
It was lunch, some
flickers, a gaggle of gays,
I had a good time.
In this instance, you're wrong, end of.
End of, who do you
think you are, my mother?
Girlfriend, perhaps?
You should take my side,
not his, not anyone else's.
I can't do that when you're wrong,
we've talked about this before.
No, it doesn't matter
whether I'm right or wrong,
you should stick up for me.
It's the same difference
and I do stick up for you all the time.
[Julie] Why doesn't
it feel that way then?
I don't know.
[car rumbling]
God, not one of those
sandwiches was vegan.
Jordan forgot again that
I'm lactose tolerant.
Oh, I'm all bloated.
[Julie] What about me?
We can't be in each
other's pockets 24/7,
it's not good for us.
Why not?
I've got my rugby, my
mates, my mum, work, you?
Jean and Judy spend
all their time together.
[laughing] They're miserable.
I want a baby.
Well, I don't.
[car rumbling quietly]
[crow cawing]
Get out of my car, get out!
We're in the middle of nowhere.
I don't care, get out of my fucking car!
[car door clicking]
Get out!
I mean it, get out, fuck off!
[car door thudding]
[car rumbling]
[crow cawing]
[dog barking]
[melodic upbeat music]
She don't look at you the way I do
Secure in my sexual needs
Now I aim to get her too
Feelings are starting
to seep in my heart
Deep in my soul
There's desires in both of us
Come on, let them go
Secrets should be discussed
What's happened
What's happened to the way I feel
What's happened yet,
what's happened yet
Even in this crowded room
People laugh and scream and shout
I'm drawn closer to you
What's all this about
Are my feelings all an illusion
He should be my best friend
I caused all this confusion
What's happened
What's happened to the way I feel
What's happened yet
What's happened yet
[melodic upbeat music]
[toaster crackling]
[electricity popping]
[fire whooshing]
[fire alarm ringing]
[footsteps thudding]
My God, we were lucky.
Lucky to get out alive.
My office, my business, what the fuck?
What happened?
Electrical.
I told you to get rid of that toaster.
It was an heirloom.
[sirens wailing in distance]
[fire alarm ringing]
We need a place to work now.
[melodic piano music]
[thunder rumbling]
[rain pattering]
[door thudding]
[Janice sighing]
Cow, Susan pulled another
sickie yesterday, lucky bitch.
Have you just done a double shift again?
Bloody have.
[Janice] It's not good for
you not getting your sleep.
Got you by the balls here,
I have no fucking choice.
[sighing] I know, I know,
dance or fuck off.
And half the buggers in here
need putting down anyway.
Room 65 hasn't left
her bed for three years.
Poor cow, she's forever shitting in it.
Oh, I don't smell it anymore.
I'd look for another
job, but with this work,
nobody ever sees you as
anything other than a bum wiper.
I'm a qualified electrical engineer.
Never thought I end up
in a shithole like this.
I went into this because I cared,
but the wages have gone
down and I can't live on it.
[paper tearing]
Capitalism.
Hm.
Best get on with it then.
Wash time, Nora.
I'll lift her up.
Keep still, you stupid, old bitch.
Grab her hair!
[blow thudding]
Ah!
[melodic orchestral music]
She broke my fucking nose!
[rain pattering]
[thunder rumbling]
[footsteps thudding]
[melodic orchestral music]
[phone ringing]
Hello.
Miss Tingle, this is David Newby here,
I'm the carer in charge of your mother.
You got my message then?
Yes, I did.
Well, then you can see why I'm annoyed.
Your mother attacked another
patient and some nurses.
It's in her record that she's violent,
when she's in an environment
that she's not familiar with.
And why didn't the alarm go
off when she left her room?
I'm not at liberty to discuss that.
Of course you're not, we
can all pull that rubbish,
therefore I'm under no obligation
to discuss this matter
with you any further.
We need to find another
place for your mother to go.
Yes, you do, but I've
done your job already,
I found a place, I'll be
picking up my mother later.
Goodbye.
[receiver clattering]
[David exhaling heavily]
Oh, I am loving this
homeworking situation.
It's only until I find a new office.
All right, out with it,
what's happened now?
Nothing.
Nothing, why?
I can always tell when
your panties are in a bunch.
Don't worry, Laura,
Jordan and I have known
each other a long time.
Too long.
Another bad weekend?
Yeah, until we came to yours for lunch.
That beef was very expensive.
Yeah, but you didn't
offer her any coffee.
Yes, I did, she's deaf.
Did she go off on one
again, moan about my house?
Major meltdown.
So I ruined your weekend?
Ah, you know me, I'll
see the best in everything.
I had a lovely time skipping
through the piss needles.
[birds chirping]
[hand thudding]
Goddammit!
I've allocated the budget
for this application.
Good, the client's
breathing down my neck on top.
I thought you were a top.
I am.
It'll sort the incoming information
into chronological order and
then in order of importance.
[phone alerting]
Another developer,
they're raising a ticket.
People don't like that, do they?
That's procedure.
You simplified the process as well.
These dumb buggers can't cope.
[sighing] I had a
girlfriend once who was rich.
She didn't even earn her
own money, she inherited it.
Her family owned pine forests in Scotland,
since the 17th century.
[soft accordion music]
You know, we lived in
Paris, when she dumped me.
[phone alerting]
About time.
I was in a meeting.
You're always in a meeting.
What do you want?
Just called to say hello.
I've been invited to
drinks at Jordan's on Friday.
I'm not going.
I'll go on my own.
What'll I do?
Well, I don't know.
What's wrong?
Are you serious?
You dumping me in the middle of nowhere
at the side of the road,
that's what's the problem!
I came back for you, but you were gone.
[phone shattering]
Wasn't that work's phone?
[door thudding]
Nora Tingle's escaped again.
What, how?
The alarm pad in her
room was never mended.
I reported it three weeks ago.
Well, who's looking for her?
No one, I'm not, I've not got the time
and she's been missing
as far as I can tell
for a couple of hours.
Christ, bloody useless.
Don't blame me!
It's your tight rein on the
budget that caused this, not me.
[door clicking]
Fuck's sake!
[melodic guitar music]
[door thudding]
[melodic guitar music]
That report you asked for.
[Jordan] That was fast.
Well, I don't like to have
a lot of work left on my desk.
How long have you known Bertha then?
About five years, we worked
at another company together.
You want me to put in a word for you?
Of course not.
You sly, old dog.
I'm home now, you ready?
[traffic rumbling quietly]
[birds chirping]
All right, man delivery!
[door thudding]
[shower pattering]
[shower curtain rattling]
[birds chirping]
[bag thudding]
[Bertha] Okay, come
on, ladies, let's set up,
we'll go for two V ones.
[players laughing]
Ready?
Yep, that's it.
- Yep, ready?
- Yep.
[players chattering]
- Oh, sorry.
- Bad luck, Hannah.
- Just wait for it.
- Yeah.
How's your love life?
[Bertha exhaling heavily]
Ooh!
Yeah, don't ask.
Is your mum all right?
Yeah.
Well, so so, you know how it is.
Come on!
Yes, go on, girl.
[players chattering]
[Player] You have to run
diagonally though, don't you?
[soft orchestral music]
[car door thudding]
[soft orchestral music]
[door clicking]
[door thudding]
- Hi, you alright?
You alright, mate, how's it going?
Yeah, it's fine.
[birds chirping]
[door clicking]
[door thudding]
Give me your key.
But I live here.
Pack your shit and get out!
Where will I go?
Out!
[soft orchestral music]
[bag thudding]
[soft orchestral music]
That's mine.
[object clattering]
And you can take your spunk with you.
[bottle thudding]
[soft orchestral music]
[door clicking]
[door thudding]
[soft orchestral music]
[birds chirping]
[suitcase wheels rattling]
[Bertha sighing heavily]
Really?
Mum, come back!
[melodic orchestral music]
Mum!
Mum!
Mum!
Mum!
[melodic orchestral music]
Where's Bertha?
I'm Bertha, Mum.
I know you are, I
want to go to the park.
Should we give you
a wash then first, eh?
[water sloshing]
[phone ringing]
Your dad did love you, you know.
Yeah, when he wasn't at work.
It's not our fault you're a dyke.
It's not my fault either.
[Bertha muttering under breath]
[water sloshing]
It's a nice world map they've given you.
Who gives a fuck about that?
[gentle orchestral music]
[water sloshing]
She's gone.
[Jordan] Really?
No, I just cleared up the mess.
[Jordan] I'll be there in five.
[sighing] Bring tequila.
[Carl] Carl Lewis here.
I've moved Nora Tingle to Clearview House.
[birds chirping]
She was meeting men on the sly.
Lucky bitch.
No, seriously.
I am.
I can't find anyone.
Oh, she'd left a bottle of
spunk on the kitchen side.
Where'd she find them?
Online.
I'm online, what am I doing wrong?
I, um, hacked her email account.
You're bad, Bertha Tingle, really bad.
Yeah, she'd meet them
at a local sandwich shop,
drag them back here and-
Milk them?
Oh, nasty.
Depends on your perspective.
Well, here's to being single.
[glasses clinking]
Again.
[melodic guitar music]
They have oat milk, don't they?
Definitely.
Don't want you blowing
up in this meeting, do we?
Getting all windy.
[soft upbeat music]
Ah, there's no sugar.
[birds chirping]
It's four sugars, isn't it?
Yes, that's right, four.
I'll put them in for you.
[phone alerting]
[soft upbeat music]
I don't do dating apps.
[phone alerting]
[soft upbeat music]
Maybe you two should date.
She's too good for me.
Um, no, not really.
What's so funny about that?
Nothing, nothing, I don't
know, we work together.
It's not something I've thought about.
You agree, don't you, Laura?
[phone alerting]
I've got you a date.
What?
[phone alerting]
On clittering.com.
[phone alerting]
[soft upbeat music]
[Laura sighing softly]
[phone alerting]
Wow, you're popular,
must be that photo I took of
you in Tunisia in the sauna.
[phone alerting]
[soft upbeat music]
What have you done?
[phone alerting]
[soft upbeat music]
[birds chirping]
[melodic orchestral music]
Oh, hi, I'm Bertha, Bertha Tingle.
Jenny Downes.
[screeching string music]
[melodic guitar music]
[laughing] Right.
[Bertha] Right.
[Jenny] It's a sight joke,
someone keeps trying to
put the cork back in!
[both laughing]
[Bertha] Oh, right,
yeah, yeah, I see it now.
Yeah!
[both laughing]
Ooh, rugby, eh?
I've never played it,
watch it on TV though.
Yeah, my dad got me into it.
Oh, does he come and watch you play?
He's dead, but I only coach now.
Oh, it's shame that.
My mam's dead, hard knocks, eh?
It's life.
Yeah.
So IT, you must have a brain on you.
I'm dyslexic actually.
But it's Head of Robotics
Process Automation.
No books for you then.
Oh, you're not missing much, honestly.
[both laughing]
[birds chirping]
I work part-time in a shop in town.
Oh, which one?
Choc N Roll, I'm a
barista, trained and all.
[birds chirping]
I've, um, got another secret.
I'm a gamer.
Oh, that's brill,
oh, so am I, I love it.
Oh, right, 'cause I've
got a right bean on.
[birds chirping]
[video game weapons firing]
[melodic orchestral music]
Oh, oh!
Ooh, oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah, keep, oh, keep going there.
Oh, my God, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Oh, oh, my God, yeah.
[both laughing]
[soft melodic music]
[birds chirping]
[Jordan] Hello, there, how are you?
[water running]
Just about to have a Horlicks.
[Jordan] Horlicks? Oh, yuck.
Or are you having an
orgy and not inviting me?
No, no. [laughing]
[Jordan] Do you wanna
go out on Saturday night?
[Laura] Oh, I'd love
to, um, is Bertha coming?
I can ask her if you'd like.
Oh no, you-you don't have to, I-I only-
I get it, it'd be fun
for all of us to go out.
Okay, if you're sure.
I'll message her now,
she's probably at home gaming or ironing.
Ironing?
[water dripping]
[melodic orchestral music]
[soft orchestral music]
[soft orchestral music continues]
[phone ringing]
Hello?
[Benjamin] Miss Tingle?
Yeah.
[Benjamin] It's Benjamin
Penderast from GWRK Homes.
Yeah.
[Benjamin] I don't know how to say this,
but um-
Just say it.
[Benjamin] Well, your
mother's gone missing.
What? Is anyone out looking for her?
[Benjamin] Er, no.
Oh, you useless bunch of bastards.
Just forget it, all right,
I'll find her myself.
[Bertha sighing]
[gentle guitar music]
[phone ringing]
Hey, girl, where are you?
I'm looking for my mum.
What?
Oh, she walked out of the home.
Where are you, is
there anything we can do?
Oh, Laura, thank you, oh, God.
Well, thank you, I don't
think she'll have gone far.
She wouldn't, look, what
was her favorite place?
What do you mean?
Did she have a favorite
place before she was taken ill?
Well, she has dementia, so I...
They remember that type of thing.
Oh, they do? All right.
Um, well, yes, the cemetery,
she always called it the park.
Yeah, that's it, at the
park, that's where she'll be.
Try there.
Thank you, yeah, I'll
try there, oh, thank you.
[breeze blowing]
[birds chirping]
[soft orchestral music]
[soft orchestral music continues]
[door clicking]
I've submitted my report for
Ashfield House last Friday.
Yeah, got it.
I was late with mine
for Clearfield House,
as we still have that plumbing
issue in five of the rooms.
Carl, the bed linen's not
being changed on time.
David, you're responsible
for your own problems,
you can't come in here
and expect us to fix it.
We're not saying you
personally have to come along
and help us, we just
really need the money.
We're sending a request and
they just go unanswered.
There's a procedure to this,
we just can't lose track
of how things are done.
Is there any way we
can speed the process up,
make it more streamlined?
Look, I sympathize
with your dilemmas, I do,
but there's no way we can change
the running order of things,
it's as simple as that.
What about the condom machines?
No, we can't have them.
Why not?
Three of my customers have got syphilis
and one of them's got a
raging case of gonorrhea.
Condoms are a great idea.
You need to give them other activities.
We can't stop them going
in each other's rooms.
It's a serious healthcare issue.
Condom machines send
the wrong kind of message.
What's wrong with them having sex?
Do you wanna stop them humping?
People know about it anyway.
That explains why our entry applications
are through the roof.
- Explain that, please.
Old people are queuing up for miles
to get into mine and David's homes.
So what do you wanna do today?
Don't mind.
Well, it's a Saturday,
one of my days off.
Would be nice to do something.
Yeah.
[car rumbling quietly]
[Bertha sighing]
[Jenny] Another day in paradise.
[blinker alert ticking]
What's up with your face, honestly?
[Bertha sighing]
Sucking on lemons.
I was thinking of something else.
[Bertha] Be my guest, sweetheart.
[sirens wailing in distance]
[background people chattering quietly]
New cleaner?
[laughs] That's Jenny,
Mum, my new friend.
You bean flickers know how
to sow your oats, don't you?
[phone ringing]
- Mum!
I've warned you before,
you'll bake your bean.
[solemn orchestral music]
[birds chirping]
You didn't ask me to come to this place.
I did, you could've said anything,
we could've gone to
London, park, zoo, Uranus.
You brought me here.
I wanted you to meet my mother.
It's full of old people.
[solemnt orchestral music]
Well, one day, if you're
lucky, you might be old too.
[birds chirping]
[soft upbeat music]
Thought it might be nice
to have a dinner party.
Please excuse the mess, bit of decorating.
[water dripping]
It's a nice way for you
and you know, Bertha
to spend some time together, eh?
She has a girlfriend.
Bertha's been raving about her.
Yeah, well, she never
mentioned her to me.
May the best flicker win.
[glasses clinking]
[both laughing]
[soft upbeat music]
[birds chirping]
[Bertha knocking]
[Bertha knocking]
[soft upbeat music]
Who wants a shot? Let's party!
[Bertha] Turn the music up!
It's a pansy paradise
And it's there for you
[Jordan] Show us your tits!
It's a pansy paradise
[Jordan] Whoo whoo! [laughing]
[Bertha] Whoo!
[Jordan] Whoo hoo, whoo!
[Bertha] Jordan, get me another drink.
[soft upbeat music]
[birds chirping]
Bertha, that new app
that you've created,
it's a marvel!
App? I thought you worked in water.
Bertha creates robotic applications
for lots of very important clients.
[soft upbeat music]
But what good is money anyway
at a time like this, eh?
You know, there's only
one white rhino left,
the platypus is almost extinct.
The ice caps are melting
and all we care about is
our next bloody cappuccino.
I've made chocolate surprise.
What's the surprise?
That would be telling.
I hope it's not orange, I hate orange.
I'm very picky about what
I eat and where I eat.
I've noticed.
[soft upbeat music]
Jenny, what are you up to these days?
Bertha didn't tell you?
[Jordan] Not a thing, so you tell me.
I'm writing scripts actually.
- Motion pictures?
- TV.
We're getting married.
[soft upbeat music]
80 guests.
[Bertha] Yeah, I've sent the new app.
What about the other issue?
[Bertha] What issue?
Your marriage?
I am not getting married.
You'll be off to Magaluf
next with your tits out
licking on some Greek
clit for your hen weekend.
I'm never getting married.
Why didn't you share
the good news with me?
We are not getting married.
[Interviewer] Do you have any children?
No, I have never been with anyone
either good enough or
long enough, I suppose,
but I have one great nephew
and I love him dearly
and spoil him terribly.
- I'm sure.
[Interviewee] He comes
to visit me quite often.
I married a Frenchman, didn't last.
- What happened?
- I chased another man
to San Diego and when
that didn't work out,
I couldn't face living in America anymore
and ended up here with my last penny.
[sighing] Could you not clean up?
I've been busy.
Doing what? You don't work.
Working on a script.
[laughs] I'd like to read that sometime.
You're dyslexic.
- I can read, you know!
- There's no need to shout.
I've had a crap day and
I come home to this mess.
I'm not your maid.
And I'm not your sugar mummy.
[Interviewee] And he proposed to me
under the shade of the Matterhorn,
he just liked it, he said he loved me.
[birds chirping]
[soft orchestral music]
[soft orchestral music continues]
[soft orchestral music continues]
[car rumbling]
[birds chirping]
I found a stationer that does a deal
on invitation printing for 50 and over,
we'll be having 80 guests.
You'd look great in that.
I'm not wearing a dress.
I'm not wearing a dress either.
We're not getting married.
Who's gonna pay for it all?
I booked a meeting with a caterer.
Then you need to cancel
it, I'm not marrying you.
Don't you love me?
I'm not paying for a wedding.
[phone ringing]
Hi, Jordan.
No, no, yep, that's fine, I can speak.
Yeah, yeah, no, that's all right.
Yeah, I heard.
[birds chirping]
Oh, nothing, I've just popped
out for something to eat.
[car door clicking]
[car door thudding]
I'll, um,
oh, shit, I'll have to call you back.
Oh, where's my car?
Fucking crazy bitch.
[tense melodic music]
[tires screeching]
[car rumbling]
[tense melodic music]
[tires screeching]
You crazy bitch!
[Bertha sighing]
[objects thudding]
[plush toy squeaking]
Monkey!
[window thudding]
[drape rattling]
Hey, you, it's been four days,
you need to check in or call.
We need another sesh at your place.
I still can't find a suitable office
and the big client's coming on Friday.
Call me, please.
[water dripping]
[background people chattering quietly]
Your dad was in earlier.
What did he have to say?
Wanted to know where you've been.
He said he hadn't seen you in ages.
[phone ringing]
- Oh.
He never did understand what you do.
I'm not girlie enough for him.
How's that nice girlfriend of yours?
[phone ringing]
I haven't got one.
She came here the other day.
She comes regularly,
reads to me,
lovely and calming.
Is she?
You want to keep that one?
Hm, I'll try.
She said you were busy at work.
[background people chattering quietly]
What's her name?
Don't you remember your
own girlfriend's name?
Thought I was the simple one.
You're not simple, Mum,
just a bit forgetful.
Her name's Laura.
Laura.
[background people chattering quietly]
[light melodic music]
You don't get to give me this shit,
Miss Sorry For My Big Arse Self.
Less of the big.
You've been AWOL for
over a week, a lifetime.
I've started seeing people.
Right.
You also don't get to be all jealous
and bent out of shape at my
newfound happiness either.
I'm not.
You're happy for me?
Yes.
Then tell your face.
Better, what's his name?
Benjamin and Carl, they are lovely.
Good for you.
All I find are monsters and nutters.
What's wrong with me?
Nothing's wrong with you, it's them.
Do I have Twat stamped on my forehead?
You'll have my fist imprinted there,
if you don't snap out of whatever this is
and pull yourself together.
It's easy for you to say.
I don't think so, do you?
It's not easy for any queer out here,
especially one as handsome as this.
Well, what should I do?
Go out, go online, stop pushing it,
stop playing housey-wousey
with each and every lezzer,
that you meet on the street.
I don't!
You do, listen, you're
really into gaming,
there's a gaming night in
Leamington Spa tonight,
why don't you go to it, here?
[phone alerting]
[mellow upbeat music]
[mellow upbeat music continues]
I tried to reason
To think it all through
My time a treason
They blotter my view
And you know we need the truth
I just want to have some proof
Can I be sure of you
Can I be sure of you
Take my pain and sleepless nights
Only you can make it right
Can I be sure of you
Can I be sure
[clock chiming]
[ID card clattering]
[clock ticking]
[phone alerting]
There you are, Mr. Jordan Tucker.
[Jordan] There you are, Mr. Carl Lewis.
What are you up to?
Working, I've got a lot to catch up on,
since my office burnt down.
I'd like to catch up with you.
Sounds good, will
Benjamin be there as well?
We'd like you to come over.
[Jordan] I want to be
the ham in your sandwich.
The bottle's chilled, the bed's warm
and the pickle jar's open.
God, yes, both of you please at once.
I've gotta finish here, about
an hour and I'll be free.
Great, what do you do again?
Create apps for work flow
systems, budgets, time keeping,
business tracking, you know,
so you can see at a glance
how your company's performing.
I don't, I just own old people's homes.
[Jordan] Yeah, you said.
Aye, it sounds like we
could do with your expertise,
not just those sexy lips of yours.
[Jordan] I'm sure we
can work something out.
Do your systems make crap
workers do a better job?
They can tell you how badly
they're performing, yeah
or how well.
I'm only interested in
catching the lazy ones,
the ones we fear are proper bastards.
We'll talk later then in bed.
[Jordan] Talk, what about the other?
You'll be seen by both of us later,
don't you worry about that, mister.
Let yourself in.
Mr. Lewis, Mr. Lewis, chew on my ear.
Mr. Lewis, Mr. Lewis, make me your queer.
[keyboard tapping]
Bertha, where are you? We've
got a new client, call me.
[keyboard tapping]
Hey, you.
Hey, you.
Coffee?
Yes, please.
[soft orchestral music]
[soft orchestral music continues]
Tasmania's diverse flora ranges
from the dry forests of the east
through the Alpine moorlands of the center
to the rainforests of the west.
Many of the state's
plants are unlike those
found in the rest of Australia
and have ties with species that
grew millions of years ago.
Well, how's it going?
It's wonderful.
Calm and loving, normal.
It's been the happiest month of my life.
Good for you.
Sorry I had to sneak off yesterday,
I needed to go see my mum.
It's fine, you're all caught up.
It's amazing how fast you work.
That's what Laura says.
What, how quick you
are with your tongue?
[both laughing]
[glasses clinking]
[background people chattering quietly]
Hello, Mum.
How long have you been here?
Oh, about half an hour, good day?
I was gonna bring you here eventually.
Oh, I've been coming here a while now.
I thought she was confused.
No, not all the time.
I like to read to her and to talk.
Blimey, really?
My mother had it too, it was terrible.
It hit my brother really hard.
He was her favorite.
Told you her name was Laura.
[soft orchestral music]
[Laura] So fancy going on holiday?
- Crikey!
- Should we go
to the island of Lesbos?
[both laughing]
Do you know where we're going?
[Bertha] Don't really care
as long as I'm with you.
If you turn left here,
we could go for a meal.
[both laughing]
[soft orchestral music]
[car rumbling]
[keyboard tapping]
Yeah, we can do, it could track that.
I'd need to talk to the team and find out,
but I don't see why not.
[doorbell ringing]
Oh, I'll get it.
That's great news,
I'll let the team know.
Thank you, bye.
- Bad news?
- Don't phish.
Another satisfied customer.
So how was your long holiday?
Oh, two weeks of perfection.
[computer alerting]
[phone alerting]
[melancholic orchestral music]
Who ordered all the dildos?
[traffic rumbling quietly]
Hey, darling, you've been busy today.
So, so.
Something wrong?
You tell me, I saw
the text from Big Dave.
[sighing] Look, I can, I can explain.
Don't bother, I can't cope.
I should've asked you if you were bisexual
or whatever sexual you are.
I just want one person or
woman to love me, just one.
It's over.
Wait, no, no, it's-
Over.
[melancholic orchestral music]
[birds chirping]
[background players chattering]
[equipment thudding]
All right, let's get
set up, do some rucking!
[background players chattering]
Two on the backs, three clear out!
[players grunting]
- Fucking hell!
- Yeah, back, go back.
[background players chattering]
Two on the backs, three clear out!
[background players chattering]
- Yeah, back, go back.
- Yeah.
80 guests, eh?
What?
Who have you been talking to?
Oh, you know, some of the team talks.
Getting married, aren't you?
No.
[kick thudding]
[ball thudding]
Ah!
[Bertha thudding to ground]
Oh, um, hi, I, I came to read to Nora.
You don't have to, you know.
I come for her, not
for any other reason.
Well, is it appropriate?
What, reading to someone?
You know what I mean?
Weather, weather, weather, weather.
It's not been good, too much rain.
Weather, weather.
Look, I'll get out of your way.
Let me explain.
You fancy men too, I don't,
I can't, it's not for me.
Weather, weather, weather.
It's a misunderstanding.
Just let it go, I have.
You have?
You bet.
Well, then I couldn't have meant
that much to you then, could I?
I suppose not.
Weather, weather, weather.
I am not bisexual!
[light melodic music]
She won't listen.
Why not?
She's an obstinate robotics
programmer, go figure.
I love her.
[gentle guitar music]
I love her in a way that I've
never loved anyone before.
She gets me
and we just work,
we click
and I know it shouldn't work on paper,
but it does.
[gentle orchestral music]
See, I love her obstinacy.
She's fierce and...
[Laura sighing]
My heart melts in her presence.
I'm lost without her
and I know it's pathetic,
but I just need to find myself again.
[gentle orchestral music]
[background people chattering quietly]
Your dad's late for dinner again.
His dinner will be cold.
He doesn't like cold chops.
Chops? I've done a piece of
beef for us, it wasn't cheap.
Did you get it from Sainsbury's?
God, no, too expensive.
Fine Fare, I always liked Fine Fare.
One on Ball Hill?
That closed years ago.
Mum, what am I gonna do?
I've got a great job, lovely home,
can't find anyone to share it with me.
[Nora] What are you on
about, what about Laura?
Lovely girl.
Which one was that?
What do you mean?
You've only had one girlfriend
before Laura, Julie.
Oh God, yeah, forgotten about her.
How could you do that?
She was a crazy cow, always
banging on about having a baby.
How the bloody hell was she gonna do that
without a cock and all?
I love you, Bertha, no matter what,
I love you.
Oh, Mum.
[gentle orchestral music]
[Laura] Hi, this is Laura.
Please leave a message after the tone.
[phone beeping]
[keys jangling]
[car door clicking]
[car door thudding]
[gentle guitar music]
[Carl] I've just come
from a meeting from hell,
a meeting where I've had my balls aired,
about all my people's lousy job skills.
I was just gonna message you.
Message me, you're too busy
to walk down the corridor
and see me in person?
I've raised those interviews,
I'll be doing them in
room 67 this afternoon.
Direct debit's not been set up.
I'm finishing off the paperwork.
She's been here nearly a month.
It takes time.
She's an NHS client,
she'll have over 23 grand
in the bank, we're able
to get at that, all of it.
Yeah, I know, it's not bad, eh?
I like it when you're like this.
You finished this as well? I'm amazed.
What with rugby, gaming, breaking hearts.
I've got the broken heart.
I didn't think you had one.
In the last five months,
I've been through the ringer.
Yeah and you've been so
wrapped up in your own world,
you don't give a damn about
anyone else, not even me.
That's not true.
Then what's this, eh, what's this?
A wedding ring!
Oh, my God, when did that happen?
It hasn't happened yet,
it's an engagement ring
and it's their name?
Their name? I don't get it.
There's three of us
in this relationship,
me, Carl and Benjamin.
That's not legal.
Who gives a shit about legal?
If we love each other
and I wanna marry one,
two or three guys, I will.
I'm polygamous, there,
[gentle guitar music]
I said it for the whole world to hear.
No more shame about who I am.
It won't be recognized.
By whom, my parents, my friends, you?
The state.
The state, the same
state that's persecuted me
my whole life?
What's worse is you didn't
even show up to my party.
[gentle guitar music]
Jordan!
[soft orchestral music]
You had a party?
We did, you were invited, my best friend
and you didn't even show up, thanks a lot.
I had no idea.
You've had your head
so far up your own arse,
you wouldn't even notice
if the world was ending,
which apparently it is.
She's run off with a man.
I just want one special person.
Look where that gets you, dumped.
I thought Laura loved me.
She hasn't run off.
I saw her text.
From who?
Dave, Big Dave.
You stupid cow.
It's hard enough keeping one person,
when they're into one thing,
let alone, when there's a whole load
of other genitals involved.
It's her brother, Dave, you idiot.
Another thing, what about trying-
Dave's her brother.
Brother?
Yes, you heard that right.
Yes, you certainly are.
But this is great news.
She's quit.
She landed a new job in
Paris, she leaves today.
[phone clattering]
- God!
She's moved to Paris?
[soft orchestral music]
She's at the station
on her way to London,
if you go now, you can catch her.
Go!
[soft orchestral music]
Hi, Laura, sorry to bother you.
I think you've left with our
year end financial reports
and I need them back, pronto.
[soft orchestral music]
Hi, Laura, sorry to bother you.
I think you've left with our
year end financial reports
and I need them back, pronto.
- Laura!
[gentle orchestral music]
I was a dick, I admit it.
You have to see it from my point of view.
Your point of view, Bertha,
we've all had a heartbreak,
we've all had a hard time of
it at one time or another,
it doesn't mean that
you can be such a dick.
You're right on every count.
Oh, I know the story, I
know all about your past.
You've got a new job in Paris?
I do, yeah and that
train I've just missed
means I'll miss the Eurostar
connection now, thanks.
[suitcase wheels rattling]
[train rumbling]
[gentle orchestral music]
I can't stop you getting on that train,
but think of this,
you'll have a great time
waiting six months for
your WiFi to work in France
and the plumbing
and negotiating the
nightmare of a French menu
and sipping those little
coffees in fancy cafes
and walking down the Champs-Elysees,
[gentle accordion music]
taking a boat on the Seine.
You wouldn't be there.
I'll take French lessons.
You're lactose
intolerant, you'll swell up.
I don't care, bring on the bloat.
You'd do that for me?
I love you, I don't even
care if you're bisexual.
Bring on the orgy.
[soft orchestral music]
I love you too.
I love this woman, you hear me, world?
I love Laura Stead!
[gentle accordion music]
[train rumbling]
[bright orchestral music]
[soft orchestral music]
[upbeat orchestral music]