Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar (2021) Movie Script

1
- Good morning, Yoyo.
- Good morning, Gene. Has it started?
They're waiting for you,
sir. You better get changed.
Okey-dokey.
Would anyone like a
drink before we get started?
No, thank you.
Well, I'm going to make myself...
a "suicide."
Just a little bit of root beer,
traditional cola, just a
touch of lemon-lime spritz...
orange up, and my secret ingredient...
Just a dash of lemon-infused iced tea.
I like the extra bite.
It's perfect.
Is it ready?
Finally, yes.
After years of work, I have developed
genetically modified mosquitos
and a way to control them.
This remote here activates
that receiver under the cow,
releasing a signal
attracting the mosquitos.
These are not just itchy mosquito bites.
One sting will kill a large
animal within minutes.
So, hypothetically speaking,
if the receiver was placed, say,
in the middle of a small town,
the mosquitoes would then fly towards it,
stinging and killing
everyone in the town?
Hypothetically?
Well, given that we have
thousands of mosquitos,
we could kill thousands of people,
but we don't wanna do that, right?
We're using these to kill
animals with rabies, right?
In South Africa?
There was a problem with
rabid herds of animals, you said?
Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!
You cannot get away with
this! My house is full of evidence!
Yoyo.
Goodbye, Dr. Bradley.
Now, no one can stop me.
No one.
Whenever I watch those movies
where they're in the 1800s...
...I can't stop thinking...
Did everybody just... Gosh,
I don't wanna be rude...
- Stink?
- Yes.
Yes, I know. I think
about it all the time.
- They didn't have deodorant!
- No.
They didn't have toilets,
didn't brush their teeth!
- Everyone had yellow teeth.
- Yeah.
Yellow teeth was just the regular color.
- It was the norm.
- The regular color.
Yes, everyone had it.
I had a dream that I made love
with that man on the Pringles can.
- What flavor of Pringles was it?
- Plain. I like everything plain.
- Plain Pringles are the best.
- Just plain.
- Yeah.
- You know who I always had a crush on?
- Who? Oh, my gosh.
- Mr. Peanut.
- Something about him.
- But he's so smart.
- He had that little monocle.
- And a top hat.
- Love a man with a top hat.
- Me too.
God, it's so funny to think
all the raccoons in the world
- are sleeping right now.
- What?
Listen, I don't really know
more than what I've already said,
and some of what I said, I'm
not even sure I actually know.
- Excuse me.
- Hi.
- Do you work here?
- Yes. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.
Oh, great! 'Cause we're interested
in this couch you're sitting on.
- Hmm, good. Um...
- Okay.
- Okay...
- Here's the thing.
Um, okay.
This couch is the floor
model. And it's the only one left.
- I'm so sorry.
- So, I'm sorry.
It's soiled up pretty badly.
Is there a discount
since it's the floor model?
I'm sorry, would you excuse
us just for one minute?
Just a quick second.
- Star.
- Barb, what are we gonna do?
This is our couch.
We've told each other so
many things on this couch.
Remember when you told me you
were afraid you were addicted to caramel?
- Right here on this couch.
- Caramel squares.
God, I'm glad that's over. And
it was on this couch you told me
my husband was having
an affair with Dina Rankusio.
That was so hard for me.
You're a good friend for telling
me. Some friends wouldn't.
Well, I couldn't keep that
in. I would never lie to you.
- I would never lie to you.
- Star.
Excuse me, uh, ladies?
Listen, the reason we're acting
a little funny about this couch
is because well, we love it.
It's the truth.
We sit on it every day.
It's, um, it's our talking
couch, you know?
So, um,
you're telling us not to buy the couch
because you wanna sit on it? At work?
- That's it. You get it. Yes.
- Yes. She gets it. Exactly.
- That's exactly it.
- Thank you.
Thank you for helping
us. That was very helpful.
Thank you so much.
- That's so nice of you.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Okay. Look, that was close.
- That was the couch.
- We should do something.
- We have to rip a hole...
- Why don't we fart on it?
- Oh, yes. Let's fart.
- Let's fart right now.
- Ahem.
Hi.
I called you both in
here today because...
Wait, Star, are you even
supposed to be working today?
Oh, I always come in when Barb works.
She does the same. Don't
worry, you're not paying us double.
Wait. I thought you were working today.
No! I thought you were the one working.
Gosh, that's so funny.
- It's not the first time...
- That this happened.
Sometimes neither one of us is
on the schedule, we both come in.
- We just come in.
- All right, look.
This is very difficult for me to do.
But I need to tell you that
we're closing the store.
What?
Oh, I think he means for renovations.
Oh, my gosh. Are we getting a jukebox?
Please tell me we're
getting that jukebox.
No, please stop asking me about that.
The store is closing for good.
Apparently, Jennifer
Convertibles as a national chain
closed about seven months ago
and nobody bothered to tell us.
- So, what does that mean?
- What does that mean?
I'm sorry, I know you love it here.
But the good news is that the
company is giving you severance.
No. Severance? We don't
wanna be severanced.
No! Please! This job is
our lives. It's our purpose.
Where are we gonna host Thanksgiving?
Well, you can...
Wait, you come in here
when the store is closed
and host your Thanksgiving dinners?
No.
God, I'm really upset.
I can't believe we're not
gonna work here anymore.
I'm grieving. I think... I
think I'm really grieving.
Me too, but you know
what? We'll find another job.
This small town's full of places
looking to hire women in their 40s.
Yeah. That's the attitude!
- We'll find something even better.
- Yeah.
I mean, we both have high school degrees.
- Well, you do.
- Well, I don't.
- I thought you did.
- Well, I don't.
- Well, what can we do?
- Ladies!
Hi!
Mickey!
- You look amazing. Wow.
- You look great.
Miguel and I just got back from vacation.
My dermatologist is not
gonna be happy with me.
I soaked up some mega rays.
- Gosh, you can see it. You look glowing.
- You look really dark.
Girls, I might just pack
up and move there.
- What? Where?
- Where did you go?
It's this tiny little oasis
on the coast of Florida.
It's people like us, mid-lifers
who still like to strut past the pool
and stop the party dead in its
tracks with a tube top and full jewelry.
- Oh. Yeah.
- I'm not kidding.
I feel like I got a soul-douche.
A soul-douche? Well...
And not that I was looking, but there
are so many gorgeous men there.
We're talking Tommy
Bahama from head to toe.
Tommy Bahama.
Put that with a 24-hour CVS
and you got yourself a party.
I mean, best week of my
life. You girls have got to go.
- Well, not the best...
- Oh, yeah, no.
- We're not...
- ...time right now.
We're not in a place
to really go anywhere.
- We can't really leave.
- I'll drop off a brochure later.
- Oh, wow. Thank you.
- Oh, yeah. That won't be necessary.
I mean, yeah. But it'd be nice
to just see what it looks like.
What's the name of the place again?
Vista Del Mar!
- View of the swordfish.
- View of the mar.
Before we begin,
I just wanna thank Barb and Star
for hosting tonight's talking club
and for making their famous,
usual hot dog soup. Again.
- You're welcome.
- It's a simple recipe.
- Simple.
- Oh, Gail's not here,
but it's 6:00 on the dot.
So, it's time to lock the door.
I'm here.
You're late, Gail. Buh-bye.
Well, Talking Club
is officially in session.
I was really hoping to talk
this week about horses.
Specifically my horse, and
the spectacular time we had...
You know the rules, Delores.
We only share about the topic
that we pick out of the talking jar.
Give me your soup.
Today's topic is...
jobs.
I wanted to talk about my
job at the Christmas store.
I know everyone thinks
it's not busy right now,
but we are... all year round.
- I believe you.
- Thank you.
Well, I love my job at the pharmacy.
I get to play with the pills,
and sometimes I shake
them along to the music.
Star, we can't tell the
ladies what happened today.
What? You mean lie? We can't.
Oh, we just lost our jobs
at the hottest place in town.
What will they think of us?
Oh, and I love my uniform.
It's all white,
so I get to set myself
apart with character socks.
Those look fun.
These have coffee cups
and coffee beans on them.
- I wish you'd dress me.
- I don't have time.
Barb and Star? What about you guys?
I mean, you guys work at
the hottest place in town!
Maybe socks would be a good topic.
Oh, yes. I love the socks without ankles.
Barb, Star, the topic is jobs.
Tell us about your jobs.
- Oh. Well...
- Oh.
- Uh... Today was...
- Uh, it was busy.
- It was busy.
- Yeah.
So, we had a lot of... Big delivery.
- One big delivery.
- With furniture.
- And sofa.
- Tables.
There was a guy.
He was delivering, - He was tall.
- The other was shorter.
- Not as tall.
- We filled out paperwork.
- Inventory.
Did everything.
- Then we had to load it all in.
- To look at the samples.
- ...brought the samples.
- ...clipboard.
- Made some tea.
- We signed up.
And then we got a promotion.
What?
- Wow!
- Congrats.
Congratulations, you guys!
- Go home, Gail.
- We're so proud of you.
We should do a toast.
What? That's how I cheers with my horse.
Barb and I lost our jobs.
Sorry. The store closed.
And the story we just
told you about the delivery,
the men coming, the
trucks, the nightstands,
the fabric samples, the couches,
the tall guy and the shorter
guy that wasn't as tall?
That was a lie!
Oh, damn.
We all know there are only
three major rules in Talking Club.
Rule number one, no sneakers.
Rule number two, no
swearing except for the "F" word.
Rule number three, no lying.
You two are banned from the club.
- What?
- What?
Ladies, grab your purses and pocketbooks.
No, Debbie, everyone, please.
Isn't there like a three-strikes
rule or something?
Please, we won't do it
again. This is all we have left.
- Can we have one more chance?
- One more chance.
- Please.
- It was just one lie.
- Give us a chance.
- We don't know what to say.
Barb, are you upset with
me? I'm sorry I blurted it out.
Star, no. I can never be upset with you.
It's okay, we lied. We deserved it.
Do you know they make denim culottes?
They're for all weather.
Do you think Jennifer
Convertibles closing was a sign?
And getting kicked out of Talking Club?
A sign?
Okay.
You know those days when you
see me just staring at the carpet?
Yes.
Sometimes I daydream...
about life outside of this place.
Maybe something is telling
us to do something different.
- Oh, my gosh. Yes.
- Yes? Oh!
Should we try those
socks with individual toes?
Yeah.
What do they feel like?
I've always wondered.
I wonder how my toes will react.
They've always been together.
I think they'll like it.
- What if it's something bigger?
- Like what?
Like this.
- A trip?
- Yes.
- Star...
- No, look,
look at these two people.
Look how happy they are.
Imagine that's you and me
riding on that banana boat.
Just bouncing around, with our
arms and legs spread wide open,
with water and air
going all inside of us.
This is dangerous.
Things happen to people on trips.
What if we get lost, or
poisoned, or we get a rash?
What if they put us in jail 'cause
they think we put drugs in our butts?
What if we fall out of a car?
Have you heard of
traveler's diarrhea, Star?
Your stomach doesn't care
where you are, it just releases.
Haven't you ever wondered if the real
ocean sounds like our noise machine?
The real ocean has strong currents.
And people get swept out,
and they sink and they drown.
Okay.
I know things changed
for you after Ron died.
They certainly did for
me after Carmine Left.
But we used to have fun.
Remember that one time we
went on the haunted hayride?
And we got chased by that man
with the Jack-o'-lantern
head and the chainsaw?
And then we heard
later he wasn't an actor,
he just escaped from the local prison.
- He was a real killer.
- Killer.
- He was trying to kill us.
- Oh.
Remember the 4th of July
when we roller-skated through
town in our sequined leotards?
And my sparkler caught your hair on fire?
And then my hair
caught your hair on fire.
We caught each other's hair on fire!
Barb, I feel like...
we lost our... shimmer.
Isn't that just what
happens when you get older?
No. I mean, it doesn't have to.
We still have a chance
to be those people again.
I mean, look, all of our stories,
they're... they're from the past.
We don't have any stories from now.
I feel like we're fading away.
I don't wanna fade away.
Hey, look, I know you're afraid
something is gonna go wrong,
but what if it doesn't?
What if we go there and
have a time of our lives?
We lay on the beach, and we feel the sun,
and we have breakfast, and have muffins
and croissants with all kinds of jelly...
- Let's do it.
- What?
I can't believe I'm saying this.
Let's throw caution to the wind
like a couple of rock and rollers!
- Really?
- Yes.
- Barb.
- Star.
Let's go to Vista Del Mar.
I'm gonna bring those
culottes I bought at Kaboom.
- Culottes?
- My fringey shorts.
- Tangerine pants.
- Oh, my curlers.
I don't want anything
to happen to my curlers.
- No, wait.
- Cheese pizza.
Gosh, meant to get mushroom. Oh, well.
Traveler's checks.
Leftover from my wedding.
For the shower. Safety first.
Always good to bring a
little piece of art from home.
We're gonna buy a lot of Florida cookies.
Some rope.
This is gonna be for the cheese pizza.
My curlers.
This is a toilet scrubber
and a back scrubber.
Maybe it's time to put the curlers in.
- Vista Del Mar...
- Here we come.
What's on your mind?
I'm just nervous something
is going to go wrong.
I even tried to distract myself today by
training some of the mice from the lab.
Everything is going
to be fine. I promise.
I want you to get there early.
Get the lay of the land.
Here's the microchip.
The receiver cannot
be activated without it.
Be very careful with it. It's fragile.
There's a compartment
for it in your belt.
Yoyo designed it.
God, I love that little boy asshole.
And most importantly...
the antidote.
You might get stung.
This will make you immune to the poison.
I won't let you down, my love.
No, you won't.
I've been working on
this plan my entire life.
And now, it's finally time.
I can't wait for all of this to be over,
after what those people did to
you, and for you to be happy...
and for us to be an official couple.
Mm-hmm. Yes.
You do wanna be together, right?
- Be an official couple?
- Mm-hmm.
Yes, of course I do.
I'm just, um,
it's hard for me relax.
You know, until this is over.
- You understand.
- Yeah.
So...
don't screw it up.
Strings, you're still off.
The rest can have cheese.
Woo! Well, I was not
prepared for that takeoff.
Me neither.
Ma'am, I apologize for
screaming at the top of my lungs.
- What? A free magazine!
- What?
I have got to read this
interview with Don Cheadle.
Oh, I love him.
You know that reminds me,
the other day I said to myself...
I cannot think of a famous
actress named Trish.
You're kidding. That's my favorite name.
What? Mine too! How did
we never talk about this?
To me, a woman named Trish
is a woman you can count on.
Really has her act
together. Athletic, natural.
Just real natural.
And loves the holidays.
Trish? At Christmas? Forget it.
She gets everyone a gift.
- What about Halloween?
- Oh.
Trish leaves a big pot
of candy for the kids.
Yeah.
Because she trusts.
She'd be out with her girlfriends.
- Country-dancing.
- She has a natural sense of rhythm.
She'd have one ear double-pierced.
- And the other...
- Just single.
Once when I was
applying for a job at Talbots,
- I told them my name was Trish.
- What?
Well, remember when
I was in that hit and run
- and that lady passed?
- Uh-huh.
- Her name was Trish. Yeah.
- Really?
Trish loses one of her ears in a twister,
- but not her hearing.
- She's a storm chaser.
Her mom doesn't want her to be.
- Their relationship is tough.
- Hmm.
Trish always wanted to
be a portrait photographer.
She loves people. She would always say,
"A person's face says a
lot about how they look."
- Oh, that's beautiful.
- Yeah.
- Okay. Trish's favorite number?
- Four.
- Her favorite animal?
- Hen!
- Trish's favorite movie?
- Oh.
- Short Circuit.
- The Ring.
And then she said, "You
know what, skin cancer?
You are not gonna take me.
Because I'm gonna take my own life."
And she did.
She jumped off that cliff
near her house on the Cape.
Dove right into the water,
hitting every rock on the way.
And now there's a beautiful
spirit out there in the ocean.
And you know what her name is?
It's Trish.
Trish.
I'm here.
- Oh, the air feels different here.
- Oh, my God, you're right.
Smells like Red Lobster.
Look, it's the shuttle for our hotel!
Oh, my God.
- Oh, my Star.
- Oh, my Barb.
Let me take your bags, ma'am.
Check in's over there.
Hope you had a nice flight.
Stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop.
Did you say Palm Vista Motel?
Uh, yeah.
You're late again, and the song is over.
Ma'ams, I am so sorry,
but this is the Palm
Vista Hotel Spa and Salon.
You are clearly staying
at the Palm Vista Motel,
which is right outside the doors,
two football fields away
across the hot parking lot.
So, have a good day.
Can we stay here?
You have any rooms?
We really like it here.
Ladies, you can flirt
with me all you want,
but it's not gonna change my mind.
There is absolutely no vacancies.
We are completely booked up
because of this weekend's Seafood Jam.
Have a great day.
Oh, brother.
Well, this looks nice too.
Oh, look at that... painting.
Oh, hi. Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
We have a reservation
under Barb and Star.
Okay, six nights?
- Yup.
- Yup. Mm-hmm.
Yeah. Do you want towels?
- Yeah I think so.
- Yes, uh, yeah, uh-huh.
Do you need sheets?
- Probably.
- Yeah, for the bed.
No pillows, though, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay.
Gosh.
This is peaceful.
I like how the stains
everywhere look like designs.
Oh, yeah.
I am warm, though.
- Me too.
- Yeah.
- I'm really warm.
- Yeah.
I have an idea.
What if we go check out the
pool over at the nice hotel?
Star. Is that even legal?
I honestly don't know.
Come.
Whoa, gosh.
- Better get some water.
- My eyes... I don't see anything.
Mickey was right.
Everyone here is so friendly!
I know. Star?
- What?
- That guy is waving at you.
I think he likes you.
You should take a lover on this trip.
Barb, men are not attracted to
me, okay? The guy's just being nice.
And Carmine was proof of
that when he left me for Dina!
That is not true.
Men find me disgusting,
and I'm okay with it.
Star, if I said it once, I
said it a million times.
You could model for effin'
Chico's, and I'm not just saying that.
- Chico's? Come on. I wish.
- Or Costco.
I'm talking the Kirkland brand.
Kirkland? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I think I'm gonna try the frog's legs.
What? Oh, gosh, I couldn't.
Every time I think of frog legs, I
think of Kermit riding his bicycle
and how much he used his
legs. He really needed them.
He did. Oh, I feel bad now.
Okay. I'm gonna do
the veal-stuffed manatee.
I'm gonna try the
fried bald eagle babies.
- Oh, yum.
- Excuse me, ladies?
Hi.
Can I see you out of the pool, please?
We're so sorry.
- Please. You're right.
- I knew this was gonna happen.
- She said we'd go to jail.
- The other motel, it was so hot.
Stop!
Ladies, listen.
There's been a cancellation
and we have a room available.
- What? Here?
- What?
It's not really a cancellation.
The family that was
in the room is missing.
It's probably the husband.
It's always the husband.
They report them missing,
and the next thing you know,
they're stuffed up a chimney.
Anyway, the room is
yours, if you'd like it.
Yes. Yes, yes.
Ooh, your voices are really high.
Oh, my God.
- Look at this room!
- Woo.
- Star, did you see that restaurant?
- Oh, yeah.
I'm so excited it's
almost time for dinner!
And time for a cocktail?
Star!
Okay. You go in the bathroom,
I'll lay out our bottoms and tops!
You know what should wear tonight?
Our evening culottes!
Everything's going
according to plan, my love.
I'm also missing you.
There are lots of people
here, lots of official couples.
Do you miss me?
Oh, well, you're usually
here, and now you're not.
And I know you're gone.
And when you return, you'll be back.
Is that what you mean?
- Never mind.
- Oh, Edgar,
I feel like I'm sensing some 'tude.
- No, no.
- Listen, I really must run.
Yoyo and I have been
playing hide and seek
and I haven't seen him since last night.
Good evening, ladies and
gentlemen, I'm Richard Cheese.
Thank you.
Oh, my, these are comfortable.
Pour another whiskey, please?
- Room number again, please, sir?
- Six-eleven.
Oh, 611? Oh, my... Barb.
Oh, my gosh! He's 611.
Six-eleven? We're in 124!
- We're in room 124.
- And you're...
Wow.
I'm Barb and this is Star. And you are?
Edgar.
- Oh. Edgar.
- Nice.
I'm sorry, I'm having a bad day.
Oh, no. Are you not going?
That's what's happening with us.
Traveling really stops you up.
I mean, my stomach, it's like... just
a bunch of rolled up socks in there.
All in line trying to get
out, it's like a traffic jam.
No, uh, work stuff.
Oh, my gosh. We have work stuff too!
- We just lost our dream jobs.
- Yeah.
It's been really hard.
Star, why don't you cheer him up
with one of your greeting card poems?
Oh, Barb. Don't listen to her.
- No. I'm so rusty, no.
- Come on.
- Stop it.
- Come on.
- Barb?
- Sorry, what is this?
Star has a gift. You should share it.
Oh, it's nothing, it's
just a silly hobby I have.
I like to make my own greeting cards,
specifically for the
middle aged, you know,
because we go through stuff.
- Don't be shy, come on.
- Barb, please.
Do it, just do it. Help this man.
Okay. Okay. Just do one. Gosh!
- You're gonna love this.
- Okay,
- I'm gonna make it up.
- She's gonna make it up.
- Okay.
- Nothing planned.
She's thinking. She's preparing.
You can't force it.
Sometimes life's
umbrella has holes in it...
and the water just pours
all over your shoulders
- and your hair.
- All right.
But don't worry,
because the rain will end.
But you should also get
a replacement umbrella for the next time.
Gosh. Was that okay? I was so nervous!
I don't know how she does it.
Words just... fall out of
her, like, air comes out of a...
See? I can't do it.
Anyway, I hope it helped a little.
Yeah, it did actually, yeah. Thank you.
See?
- See?
- All right.
Thank you so much. I'm
gonna take a short break.
I'll be right back, thank you.
Okay. I'm back. Thank you.
Okay, it's my turn to pick the drink.
- Okay.
- Okay. Ooh, George,
what's this drink with the
skull and crossbones over it?
Can we get one of those?
It's called The Buried Treasure.
Yo-ho-ho-
No one's ever finished the whole thing.
But if you get to the bottom,
there's a real treasure.
You sure you guys wanna do this?
- Yeah.
- Yes.
- Okay.
- I love treasures.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
You finished that already?
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- Yeah.
Just for the record, we
never found the treasure.
You found a title chest at the
bottom with the syrupy liquid?
Yeah.
- We licked it up.
- All the syrup.
It's gone.
And you open the scuba diver's
mask and found the three pills?
I took a pill.
- I had one.
- I had a pill.
- Oh, well, that's you...
- Treasure.
I like looking at wicker,
but I don't like sitting on it.
Hello, it's me. Of
course, you didn't answer.
I'm getting sick of
these... mixed messages,
so I've met two young...
Two middle-aged lady friends.
If you don't start giving
me this respect thing soon,
then the mission is off.
- Did we all...
- Yes. A lot of times.
I just got your message, my darling.
Let's not talk such nonsense
about completing the mission.
You know it's hard for me to show it,
but I love you deeply.
I know I rode you guys
like a couple of horses.
- Oh. That's why...
- Up and down the hallway.
- ...my back's a little sore.
- Yeah.
- That's why my back...
- It might be sore
from all that stuff you
did against the table.
- It was two against one there.
- Well, that's true.
Miss you. Kiss with tongue.
We really used the room
today and our bodies.
Bye, guys. Thanks very
much for the, um, weird time.
- Oh, Edgar. Goodbye.
- Hey, come on.
- Come on.
- Goodbye to you.
- You have a great day.
- Bye.
Goodbye.
Oh, great.
Well, okay.
Oh, gosh, I have to admit
I do feel kind of funny.
Was it because I spanked your bottom?
I think it's because he's
the first man I've been with,
you know, since Carmine left.
- Oh, I know how you feel.
- Yeah.
I haven't been with anyone since Ron.
- You know that.
- Yeah.
Edgar was nice, though.
- I mean...
- Oh, my gosh.
What a nice man.
Was such a nice man.
- My God! The shop...
- The shopping here.
I love that magnet I got
that says "Flip Flop Zone" in
wacky letters? I wanna look at it.
That one's in the bag that says
Pookie McNally's Trinket Hut.
- It's the yellow one.
- Oh, yes.
That's where I got my new phone case.
I love it.
It's like I'm listening to the ocean.
I love it. Wait, we
don't have cell phones.
Oh, no, I'm gonna take it
home and glue it to our landline.
Oh, that's clever.
- I can't believe we found this.
- That's going on our car.
Do you know what my favorite thing is?
- Friendship bracelets?
- Yes.
I can't believe these
were only three dollars.
It's a keepsake, it's
a keepsake for life.
- It's a little sharp though.
- They are sharp.
- They're a little sharp.
- Cutting my skin a little bit.
We'll break it in. It'll
wear down over time.
- Yeah.
- Star.
A glass bottom boat?
- Let's go see what time it leaves.
- Let's go fast.
- We gotta hurry. Oh, God!
- Okay.
- Seashells!
- What? Oh, my gosh.
It's a freakin' clam with googly eyes.
Ready to party?
You imbecile!
I can fix this, I can.
- Fiddlesticks.
- Please, just let me try.
I won't mess up again,
my love. Please don't worry.
Oh, I won't.
I know if I need to count on someone,
there's another man I could call.
What? What man?
Let's just say when it comes to spies,
I know he won't let me down.
Now, you listen to me
and you listen good.
You work for me, do you get that?
You are my employee and
nothing more until this gets done.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a long distance
phone call to make.
No, wait, wait. No, wait!
Wait! No! Hello?
Phew! Well, I gotta be honest,
I don't think I can do
another night like last night.
Me neither. My gosh.
Although, you know, Edgar was so nice.
Who?
Oh, um... Oh, was it Edgar?
What was his... that man's name?
- Oh, I don't know.
- Hmm.
- Oh, right. Edgar, from last night.
- Yeah.
Oh, I wasn't thinking about
him anymore. I forgot him.
Me too. Yeah, I sure
forgot all about him.
Yeah, I think I just
wanna stay in tonight.
Sit on the patio and
practice my calligraphy.
Maybe write a poem.
And just have a couple of
Wheat Thins, and just cool it.
Oh, that's a nice idea.
And I'm gonna take a bath.
- Oh. I won't disturb you.
- And I will not disturb you.
- Okay.
- I'm gonna get my stuff.
Oh, here's my pen.
Okay, I'm in the tub now.
Dearest Edgar, I hope you remember me.
I'm the disgusting woman from last night.
Oh, gosh.
Barb says I shouldn't
describe myself that way.
You should know that
I've been hurt in the past.
I'm a broken woman.
I haven't written my
feelings down in so long,
but, gosh, you lit a fire in me and I
am raging with passion right now.
Okay, where do I begin? Um..-
I was born in a hospital..-
Ah. I get it.
- Hello?
- Edgar Paget?
- Uh, who is this?
- Never mind you.
- Uh, what?
- For the purpose of our relationship,
I shall remain anonymous.
I'm an associate of you know who.
Ahem. Hello.
I understand you lost the microchip.
You are in a bit of a conundrum.
Fortunately, I'm the man
with the means to replace it.
Don't ask me what
they are. That's private.
- Okay.
- You'll hear from me.
Wait for my call from this private number
I'm calling you from right now privately.
Actually, you know what? You
came... It came up on my... on my phone.
- I'm sorry. What?
- Your number actually
came up on my phone.
Damn it! Well, don't look at it again.
I... won't?
Don't call it. I'm very private.
- And don't give to anyone-
- Who will I give it to?
Listen, um, when the number comes up,
does it happen to say
the name Darlie Bunkle?
Uh, no. Is that your name?
Damn it!
What was that noise?
Don't tell him it's me on
the phone. Darlie Bunkle.
- Capital D-A...
- Oh...
- Listen, I have to go.
- No, I have to go.
Shit.
Hey.
Hi.
I've been thinking about
you ever since this morning.
- Shall I come in?
- Uh... no, no, no.
- Wait. Sorry. Um...
- Oh.
I got like work stuff
everywhere. It's a real mess.
That's okay. I only have
a few minutes anyways.
- Star thinks I'm in the tub.
- No, no. Wait, wait.
Um, not here. Not
here. Let's not do it here.
Let's, um... Let's go for a walk?
- Edgar.
- What?
- Okay.
- Okay.
There's probably a lot
you wanna know about me.
My husband's name was Ron Quicksilver.
He was a rodeo star.
He was so manly, there were
rumors he was chemically off.
He was the love of my life.
All I'm grateful for is,
he died a quick death.
He was trampled.
- Oh, no. By a bull?
- No.
It was a bunch of shoppers at
the Stereo Hut on Black Friday.
They had 50-inch flat screens for $199.
I did get one.
I realized your worst
fears can come true.
And I think maybe when
Ron died, I stopped living too.
I mean, I didn't really stop living.
I'm not dead. I'm not a ghost.
But after that wild night with you,
something shifted in me, you know?
Something's changing. I...
I wanna look at life for the
first time again, like a baby.
Gosh, I wanna be a baby
again. I was so flexible then.
Star went as a baby for Halloween once.
She wore a diaper. Only a diaper.
She won best costume.
Oh, my gosh. Star,
she thinks I'm in the tub.
I lied to her and I've
never done that before.
God, I'm a terrible friend.
I wasted all that water.
Edgar, I'm sorry. This can't happen.
We weren't meant to be.
You've set me free,
and that's all this was.
Thank you, Edgar. Thank you!
You're welcome?
Everything is possible!
Oh, look at her. She's asleep.
Star!
Star!
Okay. You're probably
exhausted from writing.
Anyway, sweet dreams. Good night, Star.
I'm just so grateful for you!
Gosh darn it, you're a
good friend. That's all.
Good night, Star!
Hi.
Hi.
I started writing you
a letter, but then...
my gosh, I was thinking
about you so much,
my brain just got all squirrelly.
I just... wanted to come over and...
talked to you inside,
where your sheets are.
His name is Carmine Testaviglio.
I should've known he was
having an affair with Dina.
I didn't stand a chance.
Carmine had a foot fetish,
and Dina has huge toes.
My toes stopped growing
after I was three months old.
They're like little pieces
of rice. I'm not kidding.
- Oh, God, don't look.
- I wasn't.
Now, when someone
leaves you, you just think,
"Gosh, there must be
something wrong with me."
So I just figured, I'm disgusting.
But that night with you was
the first time since Carmine
I felt non-disgusting.
I mean, you saw my folds and
holes and you didn't run away.
Now, I'm just starting to realize
that maybe having meaningless
flings is the way to go.
No one gets hurt. No strings attached.
You just shouldn't have to
try to make someone love you.
That's all. I don't know.
I know what you mean.
You do?
Plus, you put all your
faith in someone and poof!
They turn out to be someone else.
I once heard this story about
a woman who married a doctor.
Turns out, he was Bruce Springsteen.
I guess he just wanted to be a regular
person for a little while or something.
I remember one year, for Halloween,
Barb went as Bruce Springsteen.
Oh, my God. Barb.
What am I doing? She thinks I'm sleeping.
I lied to her, and I think she
might have feelings for you.
- Oh, no. I don't think she...
- I've been a terrible friend.
And I ruined that pillow.
Oh, Edgar... I should go.
Which means we don't have a lot of time.
Gosh, I need you inside me.
Let's go make love against
those hard wooden stairs.
Edgar! Oh, thanks for
letting me talk through this
and letting me ride you like that.
Now I get meaningless sex! It
feels good physically, and that's all.
Star, that was...
that was amazing.
I mean, it was really, really different.
- Did I bounce too much?
- No.
Oh, good.
That was so lovely.
Listen, I really have to get back.
Barb can never know about this.
Gosh, gotta go.
- Let's do it one more time.
- Oh, yup. Yup. Please.
What are you doing?
Oh, I was just playing with this lamp.
I got a little reflux.
And I tried to wake you, but I
saw you put a pillow in the bed.
Was that just a funny joke? I
laughed, but then I wondered.
Oh, um, I just didn't wanna wake you up.
You know, I didn't know
how long I was gonna be out.
Oh, thank God.
I thought maybe you went down
to the ocean and got swept away.
Where did you go?
I just went out to clear my head.
You know, get some of
that salty breeze in my lungs.
- Okay.
- And went for a walk with...
a turtle.
A turtle?
You know, I just wanna make sure he
was safe, so I-I... made sure he got home.
You went to a turtle's house?
I went to a turtle's house.
Where do they live around here?
Oh, over by bushes. How was your bath?
- It was good. Good tub.
- Good.
I just stayed in there, the whole time.
Well, good for you!
Well, I was really relaxed,
and the water was warm.
And I...
saw a turtle.
In the tub?
Yup. A baby one.
He just floated up out of the drain,
and he swam around, and he splashed me.
And I tried to pet
him, but he got scared.
- 'Cause you're big?
- So much bigger than him.
He went back down.
And, uh, anyway, that's why
you can't see him right now.
Wow.
We should probably hit the hay.
Yes. Let's go to bed. I'm tired.
Anyway, I'm so happy to be here with you.
Well, I'm so happy to be here with you.
- Good night.
- Good night, Star.
Yoyo.
I love it.
I'm so happy I built you that craft room.
Now, let's go over the plan
one last time. Are you ready?
Why does this plan mean
so much to you, huh?
Oh, Yoyo.
Bring me my chair.
Where shall I begin?
I was born here in Taylorsville.
I was also born with a skin
condition the doctors called
pigmentatia-degenera-hysterica
whiteski-nika.
Is it serious?
It is serious. You have
to take care of yourself.
You have to stay out of the sunlight.
Leaving me forever allergic to the sun.
When I was seven years old,
my father got a job that
would change our lives.
We packed up and moved to
a small town in Florida called...
Vista Del Mar.
At my new school, everyone made fun
of me because of the way that I looked.
They would call me names like..
- Pale girl-..
- Pale girl.
...White devil..-
- White devil.
- .-.And asshole.
- Asshole.
I finally made one friend.
Her name was Maria Margolis-
She would stay inside with me.
We would read and create
inventions, cook food from her culture.
Then one day, as we
were walking to her casa,
through the Vista Del Mar swamps...
an alligator jumped out
of the water and ate Maria
right in front of me.
Really gobbled her up.
Oh, my God...
She was my last friend.
Years later, my father convinced me
to go to Vista Del Mar's
annual Seafood Jam.
I remember looking up on the
stage at the four young pretty girls,
one of them about to be
crowned the new Shrimp Queen.
And then, all of a sudden...
a group of popular girls from my
school pushed me on to the stage...
...ripping my hat off,
replacing it with a fake crown.
No. No.
Father was trying to get to the front,
but he couldn't before the elderly mayor
mistook me for the actual Shrimp Queen
and proceeded with the tradition.
He shoved me into the human cannon.
Then one of the girls
turned the dial all the way up.
I was shot out into the ocean.
As I rocketed through the air,
the force of the wind
ripped off all of my clothes.
And I landed in the water...
of a pool.-.
Of a Disney Cruise Ship.
And there I was, a laughingstock,
bobbing in the water like
a ball of fresh mozzarella.
From all the guilt and the stress,
my poor father suffered a heart attack.
And my mother abandoned me
to reinvent herself in Palm Springs.
And after all that,
I knew someday...
I would get revenge on that small town,
and everyone that chose to live in it.
That dreadful town...
that ruined my life
and cost me everything.
I think your feelings are valid
and this is the only answer.
Thank you, Yoyo.
But we have to get another microchip
to Edgar. We're running out of time.
Oh, don't worry about that.
Plan B is in already in motion.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
It's me. We spoke on the phone.
- Darlie Bunkle?
- Shoot! I forgot you knew my name.
Yeah, it's me, Darlie
Bunkle. 205 Pagoda Drive.
Is that your address?
Damn it! That was private.
So, any idea when you think
the microchip will be ready?
- It's ready. I have a plan.
- Good.
A piece of paper will be
slipped under your door
naming the time and
the place for the dropoff.
It will lined notebook
paper with frayed edges.
Letters will be small because
the message is private.
Why don't you just tell it to me now
instead of having to
come back here later on?
Listen, Edgar, I've been
thinking about your idea.
You know, the one where I
just tell you where we're meeting
instead of me driving
a piece of paper to you
- wherever you are later?
- Yeah.
And I like it. I like it.
I'll meet you outside your hotel
room, probably at sundown.
When you see me next, I'll be wearing
a large, purple, Zorro-style fedora,
and the rest I don't know yet,
but I love colors, all of them.
All right. I mean,
you're the expert. Okay.
- Thank you. I am.
- Yeah.
I'm gonna sneak out subtly,
show you how it's done.
Damn it!
Barb, look. A banana boat.
I can't wait for us to
go on that together.
Yeah.
Ladies, I know I've said this a lot,
but it's really hard to draw your
faces when you keep talking.
- Sorry. Enough said. Yes.
- I'm sorry. Sorry about that.
Apologize.
- What is she drawing?
- I don't know.
You just did it. You
moved your head again.
- I'm a caricature.
- The suspense is killing me.
I hope she gives me
bigger teeth. Love big teeth.
- She loves big teeth.
- Good to know.
I just like how everything is
accentuated in the caricatures.
So, feel free to make my
teeth as big as you want.
Like, just real big. Like,
even if it's just two eyes
and a bunch of teeth, that would be...
Barb. Um, uh...
Gosh! All of a sudden,
I'm... I'm not feeling so good.
Oh. Oh, no. Are you... Are you okay?
I don't know. No. I think I have the flu.
I think I should go lie down
in the room or something.
Oh, Star. Do you want
me to come with you?
No, no. I don't wanna ruin your day.
Just, uh, go snorkeling?
Snorkeling? In the
ocean? With the currents?
- Oh, I couldn't do that.
- Oh.
Plus, we said we were
gonna do these things together.
I'll just wait for you to get better.
Probably a few hours or
so. I'm feeling very faint.
But, um, I'll see
you... I'll see you then.
- All right. I'm done.
- Star.
And there you go. Enjoy.
I can see where the
talking was problematic.
That's what your face was doing.
You want in?
Oh, no. No, thanks.
There's a current,
everyone! There's a current!
Oh, my God. Waves.
Oh, no!
How are you feeling? Let me check.
Oh. Yup. It's a fever, 137.
You better rest.
Look at you. Looks like
you're getting a little tan.
There's a skylight in
the business center.
I've been in the business center.
- Okay. Well, I better... gosh!
- I don't wanna give you what I have.
- I'm gonna let you get you rest. Yeah.
- Contagious.
I'm so sick.
Yeah, I'll check in with you later.
Woo-hoo!
Woo! This is living!
These just arrived.
Well, looks like Edgar
is distracting himself.
Well, she is beautiful.
You want me to take care of them?
No, Yoyo. I'll handle this.
Ow! Oh, my elbow!
- Here!
- Oh, my.
Take my calloused hand.
Oh. That's very calloused.
Wow! Feels like barnacles.
Oh, yeah. I fell on my elbow.
It's... it's all right. It'll be fine.
What is such a beautiful woman
doing all alone out here in the sticks?
Oh. I'm just changing
into my regular clothes.
I... I'm sorry. I thought
it was private here.
- Give me your arm.
- What?
- Your arm.
- Oh.
Thank you.
What do you mean, regular clothes?
It's a long story. I'm on
vacation, and my friend is sick,
and I've been pretending
that I'm doing nothing,
but I've been doing everything.
Anyway, I feel bad.
But I have to admit, I also
have never felt more alive.
Am I a bad friend?
You could only be a friend if
you're a friend to yourself first.
That is where you find your truth.
What if I don't know my truth?
- What if you do?
- Oh.
You are finding your courage, your voice.
- You're being delivered.
- I am?
It is time to mount the wind
and ride it with the
fierceness of a hippopotamus.
Okay.
- A-hoya!
- Oh.
- You are rising.
- Oh, my God.
Your truth is that you are... a phoenix.
Dumbledore's bird.
- Who?
- Dumbledore.
I must leave now... to
finish my swamp walk.
Remember, your shimmer is on the horizon.
My shimmer? How did you know that?
It's what I do.
Wait. Sir, I'm sorry, what was your name?
The name is Tommy.
Tommy Bahama.
What the fu...
Bless you.
Thank you.
Oh, Edgar, what are we
gonna do when this trip is over?
Let's not talk about the future.
I just wanna spend every moment we have
discovering different
levels of specialness in you.
Oh, you're so amazing.
I have so many feelings in my heart.
- Just incredible and amazing.
- I have those feelings too.
You've been pleasuring me a lot lately.
In that last position, your
dong went really deep.
I think your dong went
all the way up and...
touched my heart.
So, what do we do now?
I mean, do you still just
want meaningless flings
- or something more...
- Official?
What? Oh, Star!
Oh, I have to go. I have...
I have a business meeting.
Oh, business meeting.
Oh, no. I wish I could tell
you more about my job,
- but...
- No. No. Come on.
What else is there to know?
You're a clam inspector, and
you're in town on top business.
Okay.
Gosh, he smells so good.
Is this right?
What about Barb?
I'm in a big pickle, little crab.
What am I gonna do?
Go with your heart. Love is rare.
True friends forgive.
Oh. Well, that makes me feel better.
- I...
- To a point.
Well, it depends what you
do and how long your lie lasts.
Now, if you really "F" her over,
she is not gonna talk to you again.
Oh. Well, thanks a lot.
Shoot! I should probably get going.
The name's Morgan.
Morgan Freemond, with a "D."
Okay. Well, maybe I'll see you around.
You won't.
I am going into the ocean tonight
and I shall never return.
Oh, I have lived a full life.
Bathed in the sun, slept in the sand.
I was in jail.
Even drove an old lady around,
and taught her about
tolerance and true friendship.
But that kid is long gone.
This old crab is all that's left.
Goodbye, me.
Psst! Can't meet tonight-
I'm having a yard sale and
it's going better than I thought.
So, the microchip is inside-
Keep it private. Darlie
Bunkle. Age, 41. Weight, 179.
Damn it!
Oh, my gosh. I love this place!
I love this bar. I love the food.
I love the way Richard's
music always lift my spirits. Oh!
That one's a little
dark, but I love it here.
- We love having you, Barb.
- Aw, that's so sweet.
Hey, Barb.
- Jeff.
- Ready for the banana boat?
- Oh, yes.
- All right.
Oh, my gosh! I forgot we were doing this.
- Okay.
- Put this on.
Is it okay if I just wear
my culottes? I forgot.
- Yeah.
- Great.
Just hope you're ready 'cause
you're in for a real tit flapper.
Jeff, really?
It's what it does.
Your skin jiggles,
your tits start flapping.
- You'll love it. After you.
- Oh, okay.
Oh, I'm so excited.
I'm, you know, feeling a little guilty.
I'm supposed to be doing this with Star.
You know what? I'm gonna
wait till she's feeling better,
'cause this the one thing that we really,
really, really wanted to do together.
Star?
Ya-ya-yow!
That's hot.
Look, Star, I...
I really like you.
Oh, my God. Yes, I will.
- What?
- Hmm?
Oh. Oh. Nothing. Never mind.
I thought you were...
It wasn't. It's not.
It's okay. Never mind.
My head is just a little...
That's my cell phone.
Yeah.
It's work. I should probably take this.
Okay.
See each other soon?
- Okay. Yeah?
- Star?
I've never been this happy.
Really? Oh.
What?
Uh-uh. I'm gonna be...
I didn't get it.
I'm gonna be... Yeah.
Okay.
Star.
Well, I don't know how
much clearer I can be.
I've changed my mind.
I see now, you've been using me.
Edgar, don't be silly.
We're almost at the finish line.
And you and I can be... official.
Don't even try. You
know, I've figured it all out.
You pretended to love me.
You made me a bunch of promises
so that I would come down here
and place the receiver on the stage,
in the middle of the Seafood Jam party,
that will attract thousands
of deadly mosquitoes
that are gonna kill thousands of people.
Excuse me.
Did you get that leaf and pearl
necklace down by the boardwalk?
Oh, yes. I got it at Baleafy Ornate.
I'm sorry. What?
- Baleafy Ornate.
- What?
And not that you care,
but I have met someone.
And unlike you, I now
know what real love feels like,
and it is not how you've treated me.
- It feels amazing and special.
- Oh, Edgar,
I really hate to be
the one to tell you this.
You know, you... your
girlfriend and her little partner,
the ones with the fluffy
hair and the culottes?
How do you know about them?
They're spies, Edgar.
They're not who they say they are
and they've been playing you all along.
- You're lying.
- I wish I was.
Luckily, I have some inside
sources at their agency.
What agency? Who do they work for?
The H... P... V.
- Sounds familiar.
- Check your emails.
We've intercepted some of the photos
they've sent back to headquarters.
I think you'll find there
are some interesting ones.
It all looks very fun-
Star, no.
Oh, I know, Edgar,
this must hurt that she
lied to you about loving you.
And I don't blame you about running
into the arms of another woman.
I hadn't been there for
you, and I'm so sorry.
Let's get away after this,
find a little place in Portugal,
where we can be official-
I got the necklace at Baleafy Ornate.
- I cannot hear you. What?
- Baleafy Ornate.
It's called Baleafy Ornate!
It sells everything bay leaf!
It's a play on words! My God, lady!
Okay!
Sorry I yelled. Sorry.
- Shit!
- What shit?
It was Barb, the other one.
She was listening at the door.
Damn, they're good!
Spies. I can't believe this.
Edgar, you listen to me
and you listen to me good.
- Edgar?
- I'm listening.
Okay. I just wanted to make
sure you could still hear me.
Sometimes the connection in here...
Anyway.
I need you to find
those two... and kill them.
Star. Star!
Oh, don't bother pretending
to be sick anymore.
I know all about your little lies,
and I know all about you and Edgar.
And guess what? He's a bad man!
And he's gonna do something terrible!
- What?
- He's following orders from someone.
I overheard him on
the phone with his boss.
- His boss from Clamco?
- No, Star!
He lied to you! He's a killer!
A killer?
But, Barb, what you're
saying is ridiculous.
There's nothing ridiculous
about what I'm saying.
Edgar put a receiver in the
middle of the Seafood Jam
that's gonna trigger deadly
mosquitos that'll fly into the crowd
and sting everybody
with their killer tails!
Why are you doing this?
- You're making this all up!
- Oh, come on.
I cannot believe you. You're
mad because Edgar picked me!
Give me a break! I am not mad
about that, and I am not making this up.
- I'm calling the police.
- Fine.
Jeff's Banana Boats?
I didn't go through with it.
While I was lying here in my deathbed?
- You weren't sick.
- You didn't know that!
- Because you lied.
- So did you!
I should have gone on that banana boat.
- I wish I did.
- Oh.
I hear it's a real tit flapper.
911, what's your emergency?
Uh, never mind.
I thought I saw a burglar
but it was a... turtle.
Yoyo, where are you?
The mosquitoes are almost there.
Goodie.
And, remember, don't keep
the steering wheel too straight.
Lots of tiny movements, left to right.
I wish we wouldn't have had these ropes.
Stop squirming.
Believe me this is better.
I'm supposed to kill you guys.
What? Who said to kill us?
Edgar, what is happening?
- Ow! Our bracelets are sharp.
- These bracelets really hurt.
- They're sharp. I know.
- They're sharp.
Be careful with that. And we...
Edgar, you lied to me!
You should talk. I
know all about the HPV.
Okay, look, I was
gonna tell you about that.
A lot of people have it. I
mean, you probably have it.
What? Stop trying to confuse me.
Star, I thought you were different.
- Edgar!
- Don't let him bamboozle you, Star.
He's a murderer! Tell her.
You're not who you say you are.
You're not who you say you are.
We are who we are. We're Barb and Star.
Unlike you, Edgar, you big effin' liar.
God, I knew this wasn't real.
And no one could ever love me again.
God, I'm in so much grief right now.
- Goodbye, ladies.
- Edgar, please wait.
A lot of innocent people will die.
At least tell us why!
Why you would ever be
involved in such an awful thing?
Fine. I'll tell you.
- He pulled up a chair.
- It's gonna be a long story.
When I was seven years old, my father
left my mom, my eleven sisters, and me.
Use your bracelet.
I was the oldest, so I had to support us.
We had no money.
I did odd jobs. I built
lawnmowers for Honda.
I even tried to sell my poop to
farmers saying that it was fertilizer.
It was never enough.
One day, a woman wearing
a cape and bag over her head
put $50 in my cup.
She started to seduce me as
the errands became more criminal.
I fell under her spell, I...
I thought it was love.
I would do anything for her.
We'd always talk about this
particular plan, her "life's work."
When it came time
to help her, I said yes.
Of course, I had my reservations, but...
But she said when it was over,
we could be an official couple.
That's all I wanted at the
time. That's all I've ever wanted.
People do crazy things for love.
Yeah, but I mean, killing
people, that's... that's a lot.
Yeah, it's a lot of people.
That's... that's a little crazy.
Is it? Wouldn't you
have done it for Carmine?
And you, for Ron?
Wait.
How do you know about Barb's
dead husband, Ron Quicksilver?
Wait.
She told me when she came to see me.
That first night on the foot bridge,
right before you did.
Well, you weren't supposed to say that.
Goodbye, Barb and Star. Whoever you are.
Okay. We can talk about
it. Let's just talk about it.
It's... It was a long
time ago. A long time.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome
to the 49th Annual Seafood Jam,
where the clams are hot and
the crowd is on the older side.
People are gonna die!
- We have to find Edgar!
- You're right,
but by me agreeing with you
about having to stop Edgar,
I do not agree about
stopping being mad at you.
So we agree to go. But I want you to know
that I'm frustrated and hurt
and I'm really freaking pissed off.
I'm really freaking pissed off too
and it's not because I'm copying you,
- it's because I am.
- Fine.
Hello.
Hi.
Oh, hello.
Enjoying your vacation?
- Well, um...
- Oh, um...
- It started out fine.
- ...supposed to be a friend trip...
- We got here and we were...
- ...and we got here.
No, I didn't...
The first night, we went
out to loosen up a little bit.
That's when we meet Edgar,
which really was not a good idea.
Edgar and I started hanging
out, and I was lying to Barb,
- which I shouldn't have done...
- I met Tommy Bahama.
- You met Tommy Bahama? Anyway...
- Then we discovered...
Enough!
I have set up one last
excursion for the two of you.
It's more of a game, really.
The rules are, you get
to choose how you die.
- What?
- What?
You can either jump
off that cliff behind you,
hitting every sharp rock on the way
down, ripping your skin at every bounce,
or you can stay here and have dinner
with, um... my new friends.
There are two very hungry,
hot alligators in those crates.
Alligators?
- Oh, please. No, no...
- No, no, no...
That's what you get
for getting in my way.
Now, you can kiss your
middle-aged, flat, wide asses...
...goodbye.
- Please wait!
- Oh, my gosh!
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Thanks a lot, Star, for
making me come on this trip.
Now we're gonna
die, just like I predicted.
Oh, will you just stop
your complaining for once?
Seems to me like you've been
having the time of your life here.
Oh, I sure have.
When we get to heaven,
we're not living with each other,
and we're not running around
playing harps in our halos and wings!
Oh, yeah? Well, I'm not even
gonna look for you up there!
I'm gonna find the farthest
cloud away from you.
And I'm gonna find Betsy Ross!
And I'm gonna be best friends with her,
and we're gonna ignore
you at all the parties.
- I guess we're gonna die on bad terms.
- I guess you're right.
- Our culottes!
- They're natural parachutes.
I'm so sorry. Oh! So sorry.
Lying to you was the hardest
thing I've ever had to do.
- I'm sorry too.
- No. This is all my fault.
None of this will be happening
if I hadn't suggested coming
on this trip in the first place.
Are you kidding? I've had
the time of my life here.
I've done things I
never thought I would do.
I went in the ocean, Star.
- And I got my labia pierced.
- What?
I took it out. I immediately took it out.
I should never have spent all that
time with Edgar behind your back.
I should've told you.
I know you were only
trying to protect my feelings.
And I'm so happy you found love.
I mean, it's unfortunate that
he turned out to be a conman
- and a mass murderer.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Oh, my God. Edgar!
- Edgar!
- We have to stop him.
- Go!
The Seafood Jam just keeps on jamming!
Nice view.
What are you doing here?
Cleaning up your mess.
Seems like you can't follow
through with anything these days.
For example, getting
rid of your little friends.
- I did. I-I mean, I...
- Oh, it's okay, Edgar.
I took care of them myself.
What?
- What did you do?
- Let's just say
there are a couple
of alligators out there
with bellies full of... them.
Oh, don't be so sad, Edgar.
Those two were just a
couple of pathetic Stellas
trying to get their groove back.
But they were spies, right?
I mean, you told me that they were spies.
Sorry. I just said that
to get what I want.
Sometimes I do that,
but I'll work on it in our
relationship, I promise.
That is still what you
want, isn't it, Edgar?
To be official?
And, um, the receiver is in position?
It's on the stage. The
microchip is inside.
Good.
This is it.
My moment of glory.
Goodbye, Vista Del Mar,
you stupid place full of dummies!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Shit.
- Of course, shrimp...
- Shit.
...is the most popular fish in America.
Let's introduce our finalists.
Star?
- Sorry.
- Excuse me. Excuse me.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God. Where?
He said it was on the stage.
- Star.
- Yes?
Oh, my gosh. That's it.
Star, it's bleeping.
Go, go, go, go.
- We need to get it in the water!
- Okay!
Run, run! Oh. Wait, wait, wait.
- Look, look, look.
- Yeah?
- Oh, Lord, shells?
- Everything is effing shells.
What kind of bird is this?
It's all made out of shells.
- Star!
- He's coming. Run!
Star! Guys, please stop!
Please wait! Hey,
I'm trying to stop this!
No! We're not gonna let you do this.
We're gonna throw it on
the ocean and destroy it.
No. That won't destroy it.
- Just... just give it to me.
- No.
Look, I'm sorry.
She told me you were
spies. That's why I tied you up.
She's manipulated me this whole time.
- Why should we believe you?
- Because...
I love you, Star.
I think you're the most
beautiful woman I've ever met...
especially on the inside.
Edgar, please. Not in front of Barb.
- No. Not that inside.
- Oh.
- Your heart.
- Oh.
Listen, I need you guys to get in a cab
and drive inland as
fast as you can, okay?
I'm gonna get in the boat
and dump the receiver
far out in the ocean, okay?
You don't have to worry about me.
Look, I have the antidote.
What's the matter?
Lemon infused iced tea?
She was setting me
up to die this whole time.
- Oh. That's not nice.
- Oh. Oh, no.
It doesn't matter.
The plan is the same. I
have to go through with it.
I got us into this
mess, I'm gonna fix it.
- No, Edgar. No, you can't.
- Star...
I'm sorry for getting you into this.
- Goodbye, Star.
- No.
You mean hello...
...to me.
It's me, fools, Darlie Bunkle.
Now, do you recognize me?
I was wearing disguise glasses.
And this disguise shirt,
and also these disguise...
- Run!
- Whoa! Hey!
Hey! Sir! Sir, can we
please borrow your Jet Ski?
It's really important.
Don't explain. I need
no further information.
- Take it. We trust you. Come on.
- I'll drive. Come on.
Okay.
Uh, it's beeping faster.
Okie-dokey. Time to surface.
We're sorry,
you have reached a number
that's no longer in service.
Ladies and gentlemen...
...who will be this year's
Seafood Jam Shrimp Queen?
Releasing the mosquitoes.
What's happening?
We're really gonna die this time!
Okay. My turn.
My favorite facial
expression goes like this.
Lord, we're coming to see you now!
- Open the gate!
- The pearly one!
Make sure it's the pearly one!
And the winner is...
Sydney Hobart!
Just stop!
Fine.
I'll give you your break. You need it.
Star... What have I done?
I should be out there.
Barb, I gotta get something really big
off my chest, the biggest lie of them all.
- I gotta tell you.
- What?
- I never went to a turtle's house.
- Oh, Star, that's okay.
I never splashed and played
with a baby turtle in the tub.
I never even got in the tub.
- And I still have my labia pierced.
- What?
God, it's so uncomfortable
sitting on this thing!
I don't think it's healed yet.
Barb?
Barb!
- Give it to me!
- It's too late. It's over.
Give it to me, or she drowns!
Star, no! Star, no!
Really?
Eureka!
Looking for this?
Yes, I was, actually.
You're really gonna sacrifice your
own lives for those fools on the beach?
Give me the keys!
- Barb?
- Star?
No, no, no, no.
No! No!
Sorry about that, man.
Let me know if you
wanna get some food later.
Barb and Star, they...
they saved us all. Now they're gone.
What the fuck?
You're alive? Oh...
What just happened? What was that?
It was Trish.
Oh, Star!
I'm so sorry I was ever
involved in such a horrible plan.
I mean, I'm so ashamed.
Oh, Edgar, I believe you.
And... I do wanna be an
official couple with you.
Because I love you.
I love you with all my fart... heart.
Oh, God! What a terrible
time to flub my words...
Yeah.
- All right.
- Wow!
I just wanna say,
I believe you too, Edgar, so we're cool.
Everything's cool.
I do wonder where we're
all gonna live, though?
Well, isn't this sweet?
Surprised to see me?
Well, I'm not surprised.
You took the real antidote?
Of course I did! You traitor!
And as for you,
I should've push you two off
the cliff when I had the chance!
But it's not too late for me
to shut your blabbing trap!
No. You shut your blabbing trap!
You're a nobody.
Not anymore!
I am Barb freakin' Quicksilver,
and I have been delivered.
I used to be afraid of a lot of
stuff, including people like you.
But I'm not afraid anymore!
And I know my truth. I'm a phoenix.
Now, my friend Star is really good
with words, and she is gonna speak now!
And you're not gonna be rude through it.
You're not gonna be rude, you rude lady!
A-hoya!
Star, the beach is yours.
You can do this, Star.
Hi. I know you have a lot of pain.
You're just trying to hurt
all these people because...
you're hurting inside yourself.
But you're not alone.
I've always been alone.
Well, that's terrible. No friends?
I hate that word.
Friend is the best word of all.
I mean, they're there when you're sad,
and they jump up and down with
you when something good happens.
Yeah, and you spend
your birthdays together,
and stay up late giggling
about boobs and butts and stuff.
No one ever wants to be... my friend.
I'll be your friend.
What?
So will I.
Me too. I'll be your friend.
- Me too.
- Me too.
- Me too.
- Me too.
I'd very much like being
your friend, if you'll take me.
Edgar?
I mean, it's kind of weird, but I guess.
After everything I've done?
I'm not going to...
I'm not gonna get emotional.
No. No!
I'm not going to cry. No.
They're trying to come up, but no.
No! No!
They're coming. My feelings are coming!
Yes!
I'm ready to have friends!
And now I'm gonna
rush out into the crowd.
And meet all of you. We can
giggle about boobs and butts.
Who wants to be my first friend?
We did it.
Barb, there's something on your chest.
- It's like you're glowing.
- So are you. On your chest.
What is...
It's our shimmer.
- Edgar.
- That's great.
- We got our shimmer. I saw hers.
- She saw mine.
What do you say we go celebrate
by getting another Buried Treasure?
- Ooh. That sounds fun.
- Yeah.
- Really fun!
- But actually, um...
Barb and I have something
we have to do first.
- We found it.
- I can't believe it.
Well, looks like Barb and Star
found some adventure after all.
I mean, isn't that what we all want?
A little love, friendship, and adventure?
Well, I hope you learned
something here today.
I know I did.
Sometimes you gotta
step out of your box a little.
Then you'll know
what life is really about.
But then again, what do I know?
I'm just a fun-loving
water spirit named Trish.
Bye-bye now.
Hey, middle-aged people.
You thought this was over?
You were wrong.
It's time to boogie!
- We keep going? A little more.
- Yeah. Just a little more.
It's getting hard to breath a
little bit, but I'm gonna keep going.
I don't have any sand in my mouth yet...
- You don't?
- Not yet.
I can feel a little granules, like,
- in between my teeth, like...
- Your teeth? Oh!
- I just got some. There you go.
- Oh, there you go.
Can we talk about horses now?
Give it to me.
Woo-hoo.
Bye-bye.
There are good ships and wood ships,
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships are friendships
and may they always be.
I agree.