Barely Lethal (2015) Movie Script
1
I never knew my parents.
The only thing I ever knew was Prescott.
It was a top-secret
government-run school
that turned little girls
into killing machines.
Not bad. Run it again.
Back of the line, grandma.
97, you're up!
Move! Time trial starts
in three, two, one...
Hardman, the head of Prescott,
had some unique ideas about education.
It's all about putting holes
in the subject.
- See what I mean?
- Ladies, prepare to spring some leaks.
Engage. It's all about
vulnerability. Eyes...
Now, we may have all been orphans,
but we were never allowed
to become a family.
Carotid arteries.
Pens up!
To be a Prescott is to be an island.
It is you and you alone out there.
- What do we say, ladies?
- No attachments!
No... attachments.
Yeah, that part never
sounded right to me.
- Engage!
- But I was good at everything else.
The best, actually.
As much as I wanted to make friends,
that was just never gonna happen here.
Begin.
Bad intentions, ladies. Bad intentions.
Every punch has a purpose.
Strike and move. Strike and move.
Flow.
Elbows, knees. React.
Hammer fist, ladies.
You're not training to save your lives.
You're training to take someone else's.
Bitch.
I was the first one
in my class to be activated.
As usual, 84 didn't take it well.
It takes a certain mindset
to do this kind of work.
That's why they get to us so young.
Plus, who would ever suspect a kid?
Not this guy.
What can I say? He trained us well.
Sure, I got to see the world...
but what I couldn't help notice
was this whole other world
I was missing.
I wanted to know what normal kids did,
so I started gathering Intel.
Meet Victoria Knox:
American expat turned arms dealer.
If you're a terrorist
and you want to kill some folk,
this is the person you call.
Don't let her good looks fool you.
She has an I.Q. of 140,
and she will use it to kill you.
She was last seen in Corsica
three years ago,
until she resurfaced eight hours ago,
and will probably be gone in eight more,
unless we bring her in.
Correction:
Unless you catch her, Agent 83,
- and bring her in, alive.
- Wait, what?
- Simmer down. You're B-team, 84.
- B-team? This should be my mission.
I studied the case file. She's over there
sniffing Kesha, the new fragrance by Kesha.
I said simmer...
You need to get your head
in the game, Agent 83,
because Victoria Knox will take it off.
If we follow the profile,
everyone will come home safely.
- And remember, we're not in...
- In the rescue business.
What she said.
Gear up. We're wheels up in one hour.
Knox was a legend.
Ruthless, vindictive...
and she had a thing
for taking out Prescotts.
Got some bad news: You're dead.
Hey, guys.
- You make them comfortable?
- 36 hours alone in the box.
Oh, good. Good, good, good.
Copenhagen? Hi, peek-a-boo.
Copenhagen's mine.
Johannesburg, remember me?
Like having a gun to your face?
Feels good, doesn't it?
And you... finally got you.
- Gotcha.
- You got nothing, kid.
What do you plan to do with that?
Still playing dress-up
with 007-year-olds?
- Where is she?
- You missing someone?
- You mad at me?
- Let's just say
I'm a little disappointed
with your life choices.
Sit her ass down somewhere.
- Hi. What's your name?
- 83, come back.
83, come in if you hear me.
Give us a visual, anything.
Sign me, come in.
83, come in. Give us a sign
you're down there.
I didn't plan for it
to turn out like this,
but there was no turning back now.
This was my chance to escape.
83, this is your last chance.
Sir, no visual, no audio.
She's not responding.
Mark it.
83... inactive.
I couldn't believe it.
Mission high school was a go.
Last chance to back out.
- Foreign exchange student was your idea.
- Yeah, six years ago.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi, I'm Megan.
- Do we hug?
- What do you do in your family?
- It's different there.
- Hugs are good.
- Okay.
- Hi. I'm Penny.
- Hi.
- This is Parker.
Hey, Parker.
- This is Liz.
- Of course.
No, don't touch me
till I've seen your papers.
- Elizabeth.
- What?
- Mr. Larson, hey!
- Oh, my good...
Oh, no, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry. Excuse us.
Oh, is he... I... I saw in the profile,
the picture of all of you.
No, no, no, it's okay. It's just
the three of us. I'm divorced.
- Sorry.
- But I'm fine. I'm fine.
We are fine. You know,
even better, actually, you know.
Some people make it work. Others, you know,
they run off with a pharmaceutical rep
and spend your life savings
on a pontoon boat.
But we're good, so...
are your parents still together?
Mine are dead.
I'll get the car.
Well, I think what you're doing
is very brave.
Adjusting to a new culture is hard.
You know what else is hard?
Ninja training. But I do it anyway.
- Is that how you hurt your arm?
- Nope, fell off his bike.
It was ninja training.
Okay, and I guess Dad's just gonna
pontoon back any day now too?
Okay, Elizabeth...
let's not ruin dinner.
- I'm a shadow warrior.
- Yeah? That's cool.
I'm a secret agent.
Well, if there's anything
that's special that you'd like to do,
you know, you can just make a list,
and I'm sure Lizzy would be thrilled,
thrilled to show you.
Isn't that right, sweetheart?
I would love to take the school bus.
- Peter Dinardo pooped on the bus.
- Okay, Parker.
- What?
- No poop.
I know a poop when I see one.
You can't fight with that.
One, that's disgusting.
Two, I am not riding the bus.
But it's a quintessential
high school experience.
So is mono.
What is mono?
Kids get it from kissing.
It's like mouth aids.
You seriously just ruined my appetite.
Hey. You have everything you need?
Yeah, just prepping.
Is transpo still at zero seven hundred?
- Transpo?
- The bus, sorry.
Oh, yeah, no,
it usually rolls by at 7:00.
Okay, got it.
You know, we're really glad you're here.
- Thanks. Me too.
- Okay.
Good night.
Okay.
Normal 16-year-old, normal 16-year-old.
Fresh meat.
Oh, my God.
Jeez...
Freak show! What do you want from me?
- I thought we could walk together.
- Are you on bath salts?
It's like you have social herpes and you
want to... spit it back in my mouth.
- That's... that's really gross.
- So is your makeup.
God, you look like you had
a one-night stand with Mr. Potato Head.
Look, I have nine months, three weeks,
and five days until I escape
this post-pubescent psych ward,
and you are not gonna mess this up.
Just...
wipe all that off,
put these on, and just...
try not to talk to me. Okay?
Welcome, Vikings. Hey, everyone.
Now, let's see some school spirit.
Come on, spell it with me.
Come on, V-I-K-I... okay.
- Okay.
- I'm gonna spell it by myself?
All right, well, I have great news.
Our campus is now a nut-free zone.
- Yeah, finally!
- Absolutely, Gooch. That's right.
As long as I'm principal,
you will never see another student
- with nuts in their mouth.
- No promises!
It's gonna be a long year, I see.
I'm also excited because,
for the first time,
Newton High School is participating
in a brand-new foreign
student exchange program.
You know we need more diversity. We only
have two Cambodians and one Mexican.
I take it this is your first assembly.
Yeah. Isn't this awesome?
Not usually. But okay.
Are you a member of the band?
No, I'm actually more
on the engineering side.
I do the lighting board and design.
Oh, look at that.
So that's your thing, then.
A/V geek. I got it, I got it.
I saw "10 Things I Hate About You".
Right, yeah. No, it's just like that.
- Right, I figured.
- Only not the '90s.
You know, just...
whatever happens out there,
- don't let 'em get to you.
- Right.
All right, well, please join me
in welcoming
our foreign exchange student,
all the way from exotic...
Oh, come on, man. Canada? For real?
Please put your hands together
for Megan Walsh.
- That's you.
- Yeah, that's me.
Show her some love, Megan Walsh.
Come on, Vikings, make some noise.
- Yeah!
- Come on, people.
Thank you.
Hey, guys, I'm Megan.
I'm from Regina, Saskatchewan.
I'm really psyched to join the long
and proud legacy of Viking alumni.
- Hey, did you say Regina?
- Yeah, Saskatchewan.
- Go back to Regina!
- Okay, Gooch.
- Canada sucks a dick!
- What are your pajamas all "aboot"?
- Why are you here? Go home!
- No, no, guys... please.
Take back Bieber. Take back Bieber!
- Take back Bieber!
- Stop, stop, stop.
Megan from Canada
I'm just a simple...
man-ada
Cash!
I could change all my plan-adas
If your smile walked in on me
Megan from Canada, everyone.
Hey, they can be a tough crowd.
Don't worry about it;
You're gonna be nickel.
- Thanks.
- Totem pole.
Totem pole.
Thank you. What an entrance.
What an entrance.
Okay, let's give it up
for a little rock group
that was number 24 on the iTunes
download list back in March,
Newton High's own... Emotacon!
Dark day, I can't get no sleep
Because something's got a hold over me
Voices in my head racing through my head
Keep me up
I don't know which one to believe
This water fell for miles
But there's still so far I have to go...
- There she is.
- Hey, Megan. Hi, I'm Missy.
I am so sorry about that behavior
at assembly. Kids can be so cruel.
- Want to join us?
- Come sit, come sit.
Sure. Thanks, I...
Pom-poms?
- You're cheerleaders, aren't you?
- Oh, absolutely.
- I know what angle you're running.
- Angle?
- Oh, I've seen "Mean Girls", twice.
- Okay.
You're gonna invite me to sit, then weaken
my defenses, and then embarrass me
in some elaborate prank
to assert your social dominance.
- What?
- Nice try.
I thought we were nice.
Gooch, enough with the paper airplanes.
Welcome back, welcome back.
First day blues, I get it.
All right, take your seats.
Put your books on your tables
and open them up to the first page.
- No, no, Gooch!
- Yeah.
- Gooch.
- Sorry.
Why can't you be more like Cash?
See? He's got his book out, right?
- Hi.
- You need a seat?
- Look at my beautiful boy.
- Megan from Canada, right?
- Love that mouth.
- A/V geek?
Yeah, well, it's Roger.
All right, here.
- You hungry?
- Nope.
- Sit down.
- Thanks.
- I guess you didn't need that.
- Yeah.
Oh, no. I hope
he didn't "Kermit" suicide.
I heard this class is "ribbiting."
Well, I wouldn't "leap" to conclusions.
Mr. Drumm can be pretty rough.
Hey! New girl! Focus!
Told you so.
Okay, hey...
I know everybody got to sit
with their buddies today,
but I'm the one
who chooses the lab partners.
So tomorrow the seating chart
shall be up,
and we'll have a wonderful time.
Now, get out of here!
I'm not kidding. Get out of here. Go.
It was nice knowing you.
Hold on there, mister. Hold on there.
I know what you're doing after school.
- What?
- You're jammin' with me.
You know, I play a little slide trombone.
You know slide trombone.
Yeah. Let's jam.
- Sure.
- Let's have a sesh. All right.
- Cool.
- I like your spunk.
- Okay.
- Get out of here.
Oh, Canada...
Okay, I'll be here at 4:00
to pick you up.
I'll text you if I'm running late.
You do the same, okay?
- Yep.
- I want to know your 20 every 20.
But no 4:20.
I'm serious.
What am I talking about?
You're talking about weed?
How do you know that?
- What do you mean? Because...
- What are you, Harold and Kumar?
No, I'm a teenager,
and I go to high school, so...
- I'm not saying that I smoke weed...
- Don't. It's a gateway drug.
It is a gateway drug. You smoke
weed, and then, guess what,
meth... equals death.
Crack is whack. Coke's no joke.
So how it all rhymes like that?
It's like a poem about dying from drugs.
Hey, I got to go, okay?
Also, hash is very bad for you,
'cause it's more intense than weed.
It's, like, really compact, and you'll
freak out. I had a major freak-out.
Okay, hey, hello.
- Hey.
- Hey.
It's so funny we ended up together.
Yeah, biology's kind of tricky,
and you seem really smart.
Yeah, it's definitely a good match.
Hi. I think you're in my seat. Hi, Cash.
You're in her seat. Hi, Cash.
Trust me. I'm at station six.
Yeah, no. I'm pretty sure I'm there.
Did everybody find their seats okay?
Come on, Canada, out of my seat.
Every year, I pick a very special
someone to be my lab assistant.
And guess what, who's it gonna be?
Eenie, meenie, miney... Cash.
Come this way, brother.
Struttin' like a rock star.
And you two females,
you can be partners.
Have fun with Regina.
Cold, hard Cash. Get over here, mister.
Megan, hi.
I couldn't help noticing
you're into Cash?
I don't blame you. If I wasn't such a
strict vegan, I'd be, like, all over that.
Tell me about it.
So ironic, though,
all of those groupies and sluts
- that constantly hang all over him.
- Yeah, they're not even his type.
- What is his type?
- Girls who like dressing up.
Like models?
Not even close.
Mascots.
All my high school research suggests
that they're awkward loners,
not musical enough for the band,
too uncoordinated for track.
I know it sounds weird, but school spirit,
it's, like, really big here.
And Cash loves school spirit.
Yeah, why do you think Emotacon
performs at, like, every pep rally?
- School spirit.
- Yeah, I mean, who wants to be
some rando screaming at him
from the audience?
- I wouldn't.
- But mascots, they go backstage.
- They go backstage.
- You would have him all to yourself.
- Mano a mano.
- Mano a mascot.
But you should hurry 'cause you don't
want somebody else to get that spot.
- Yeah, like, totem pole.
- Totem pole.
Great, thanks.
Yeah.
- How'd I do?
- Yeah, that's great, kid.
- A lot of spirit. Job's all yours.
- Yes.
95, 96, 97, 98, 99...
1,000.
"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
and sorry I could not travel both..."
Megan. Care to join us?
Two paths in the woods.
Probably an ambush.
I'd wait until nightfall when they're
asleep and vulnerable,
then advance inside a tree line,
maybe rig a trip wire in case
he's trying to double back.
Okay. Well, Liz... I'd be locking
my door tonight if I were you.
- Sweet answer, weirdo.
- And anyone else?
Whatever that was,
but minus the serial killer part of it.
Move.
Go, team, go!
What are you doing? Who sent you?
- I surrender! I surrender!
- Who are you?
I'm Leonard Steinman.
I'm a sophomore at Lincoln.
Just wanted to hold
the mascot ransom. It's tradition.
- Kidnapping is a high school tradition?
- Yeah.
High school tradition.
Not the face, not the face.
Sweet moves, Canada.
Hey, Megan. Hey.
You all right?
Really lost your head out there.
I got to go.
I'm sorry.
Oh, God.
- There he is.
- Yup.
- How we doing, sport?
- Good.
All right. Who... who's the girl there?
- She's just a new student.
- Yeah, all right.
- But you think she's cute, right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, she's really cute.
What do you call 'em, like, a hottie?
Is that... what do you... is it a...
A hottie biscotti? No.
- You just say, like, "oh, she's hot."
- Yeah, yeah. Just like a babe.
- Yeah.
- Or you say, like, a bitch?
- Like, "hey, look at this bitch."
- No, I wouldn't... I wouldn't say that.
- That's so rude.
- Yeah, sorry about that.
- Can we just go home?
- Yep.
But, you know, your old man is here to talk
if you want to talk about anything at all.
- Yeah, I know.
- Okay.
Like sex or... intercourse, or...
- Let's go, Dad.
- Let's go.
Oh, come on, 83, think.
Fall back on your training.
Stick to the profile.
This profile's all wrong!
- What's going on, honey?
- All this Intel, it's wrong.
I can never show my face again.
I've got it all wrong, all wrong.
It's everything, I...
It's like I'm suffocating.
Simulated drowning, that, I can...
that, I can deal with.
Just... this stuff is so much worse.
I can't... I can't do it. I can't take
another second of it. It's just... it's...
It's high school. That's all it is.
Hey, look. Come here.
You know...
Some thrive, and it's
the best years of their lives.
Others...
Others spend four years being mocked
for wearing a thick black ribbon
in their hair like Madonna
in the "Lucky" star video.
- What?
- Oh, Google it.
But we suffer through it,
not because we're being strong
or staying true to our personal style,
but because taking that ribbon off
would mean revealing to those bastards
the tiny bald spot we were hiding
in the first place.
Hypothetically.
Look, what you're feeling is normal.
High school is a conflicting time.
Okay.
Parental advice terminated.
Bring it in. Give me a hug. Okay.
Stop. I had it taken care of years ago.
- I hope you've enjoyed our hospitality.
- It's all right.
All you got to do is give me
the name of your supplier.
I'll see to it you rot here in dignity.
Showers once a week.
That "L Word" box set.
- French toast on Sundays.
- That's really nice of you.
We both know everybody talks.
We also both know
that I'm not just anybody...
am I, Dumbledore?
If you played your cards right,
we might even let you come back
and play for the good guys.
The good guys?
- You destroy lives.
- Only those that need to be destroyed.
I'm not talking about the targets.
Sir, I have something
you need to... but, sir...
She's cute.
Last chance to talk.
Fine.
- Don't go anywhere.
- Yeah, I'll be right here.
You know what I like about
the people I do business with?
They know they're assholes.
Something funny?
You'll regret this.
She's here.
Yeah!
- What's going on?
- Is that a joke?
85,000 views since just last night.
- I'm viral?
- Like HPV.
Even rape-it Ralph is a fan.
Dude, check this out.
This guy's about to get trombonered.
Just like... right there. Damn!
She showed those d-bags from Lincoln.
Hey, this is why you don't mess
with us Vikings.
- Hell yeah!
- Regina, Regina,
Regina, Regina, Regina...
Whatever. She's gonna get
really fat in college.
I don't get it. I'm on camera
acting bat-shit psycho.
That's usually
what gets people trending.
No, no, no. I can't be on the Internet.
That's bad, Liz. That's really bad.
There you are.
So... we're jammin' this weekend.
Why don't you stop by?
Yeah, sure.
- Sounds nickel.
- Nickel?
- Awesome, catch you then.
- Catch you then.
Obviously not all bad.
Look, you may have
all of these people fooled,
but you and I both know that you are
sketchier than a 2:00 a.m. waffle house.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry!
You really shouldn't sneak up on people.
It's totally my mistake.
Okay.
- Sorry.
- Welcome.
Thanks. This place is really cool.
Got some ice.
Thank you so much.
You know, I'm not... I'm not as fragile
as my easy takedown would suggest.
You caught me off guard.
Usually I can defend myself.
- I did notice that inner buffness, I did.
- Oh, thanks.
So you're on pace to beat Emotacon's
last video release? That's pretty cool.
- Yeah, how do you turn off the Internet?
- Really?
You know, a lot of people would kill
for that kind of attention.
Yeah, I don't know. I just
prefer to stay below the radar.
Okay, so maybe you steer clear
of anymore taekwondo smackdowns?
That was actually more a mix
of krav maga and aikido.
Taewondo is what I just did on you.
But when faced
with multiple opponents, it's...
- What?
- You're weird.
Yeah, but I like it. It's cool.
Were your parents
in the military or something?
Sor... "are parents" a bad topic?
They both died when I was really young.
I was raised by a foster family.
- Sorry, I had no idea. I'm stupid.
- No, it's fine. How would you have known?
I don't know. Well, I'm sorry.
Just don't let it happen again,
or you might need more icepacks.
Oh, yeah, Lara croft?
You know what? I want a rematch.
- Do you?
- Yeah, put 'em up.
All right.
Pop. Here, hit it.
- Really? I don't want to hurt you.
- Yeah. Okay, come on.
- It hurts. It stings. I need the ice.
- Get the ice.
Rogerito... are we set up?
Yeah. Just give me one second.
I could just...
- Hey.
- Hi.
- I'm glad you could make it.
- Me too.
Do you think you could do me a favor?
- I could try.
- Yeah? Come on.
So I'm working on this new song,
but I'm just so inside of it.
I could use an honest opinion,
if you don't mind.
No.
It's pretty rough, so... be gentle.
You
In the back of my head
Oh, I can feel your face
But I can't hold it
I still believe
Smoke
At the back of my throat
Oh, I can smell your scent
But I can't hold you
And it's Saturday and I thought
So I say take me
Take me down to the water
- You're handling it pretty well.
- What's that?
The fame monster. She can be a beast.
So...
It's nice talking to someone who
understands the pressure. Thanks.
Yeah. No, that's... that's me.
Pressure understander.
You know, that guard
totally would have seen you.
- No way. I was in stealth mode.
- Stealth mode?
A compound like this
would have counter-Intel out its ears.
Motion sensors, hyperspectral imaging.
There's no way you could
just tiptoe down the hall.
A high-value target is never gonna be
vulnerable to a face-to-face takedown.
- He's not?
- No, look, you've got to engineer
a passive campaign of mental anguish,
basically alienating the target
from those closest to him.
He'll withdraw, paranoia and suspicion
grow, and eventually he'll just kill himself.
I'm not sure if there's
a button for that.
Right...
Just choke him out
with that lamp cord, then.
Nickel. Thanks, babe.
- I should... I should probably get going.
- Yeah, no doubt.
But, hey, listen, before you bounce,
Gooch's 'rents are out of town,
so we're throwing down this Friday.
You got to be there.
Are you serious?
Parents-away-in-Europe party?
Oh, my God, this day
cannot get any better.
Pittsburgh, I think.
But Gooch's parties are legendary.
You down?
Down. I'm down, yeah. Nickel.
- Totem pole.
- Totem pole.
Greetings, 83.
- Good evening, 83.
- How did you find me?
Same way I learned to tie a bow tie
and slice a pineapple: YouTube.
So who you working for? Eastern bloc?
- Acevedo over at Langley?
- I'm not working for anybody, okay?
Why don't we skip the lies and just let
Pedro here go ahead and do his thing?
You down with that?
That'd be hot, right?
Hardman, please.
You know what? Stand down, Pedro.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna
go ahead and cut right to the truth...
- Serum.
- Seriously? Those don't even work.
Yeah, seriously.
Now we're gonna see if it works.
Why have you run away?
83, 83.
One more time. Why did you run away?
You deprived me of my childhood.
I couldn't just raise my hand and say,
"Excuse me, sir,
"I don't think I really
want to be an assassin.
"Can I please be excused from
this secret mountain killing school?"
Please, please, can we just...
stop the waterworks?
Hey, let's get to the bottom of this.
Who are you working for?
Nobody. I'm not working
for anybody. I promise.
Okay, I worked for Sbarro
for a few weeks over the summer
just to make some extra cash.
I didn't think you'd mind.
Aziz Fataah Sbarro?
When the hell were you in Lebanon?
Sbarro pizzeria. It's the world's largest
mall-based Italian restaurant chain.
- They make these amazing garlic knots.
- Amazing garlic knots.
- I just want to be normal.
- You're a Prescott. Prescotts don't cry.
- Why is she crying?
- Her struggle to find her own identity?
The emotional turbulence
of a first crush?
Maybe she watched the notebook
one too many times.
Adolescence is a very volatile
time for a young woman.
- He so gets me.
- 83!
You are a rogue agent.
- This has got to end.
- Okay, okay, okay.
Hold on now. You can't just take me.
Missing girl in a small town
would throw up all kinds of red flags.
Amber alert, hello?
I need to go back and tie up loose ends,
at least just say my grandma
got sick or something.
I like it. Okay,
but it's got to be done now.
You understand? Megan from Regina...
- It's pronounced...
- I know how it's pronounced.
Megan from Canada...
has got to disappear.
Forever.
You got it?
All right, cut her loose.
Hey, ninja turtle, come on.
Wash up, bed.
Parker, where did you get that?
- Oh, my God!
- Sorry, Megan! Go, go, go!
Hey, are you okay?
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm good. I'm great.
- The key is to tuck and roll.
- I'm sorry, tuck and what?
- Were those secret agents?
- They were, Parker, yes.
But I'm fine. No, I'm okay.
I mean, look at this.
The sun is out. The clouds are shining.
You are Parker, and you are Liz.
- You're scared of me.
- Hell yes, I am.
Not... not just me, though.
I mean, you fear the world.
Every morning you dress yourself
in this cloak of sarcasm.
But stripped bare of this defense,
you'd be forced to forge true connections
within your peer group,
allowing people to see the true Liz.
Pull back the veil, Elizabeth.
I won't reject you.
You talk funny.
Another fine observation,
you sensitive boy with no father figure.
Oh, my God! Okay.
- She so gets you.
- Shut up and grab her ankles!
- You okay?
- Yeah, I must have sort of slept weird.
I feel like I've been tossed
from a moving car.
I know that feeling.
So, are you going to Gooch's party?
I don't know. I mean... It's just my dad's
not really big on parties, so...
- Overprotective?
- Hypervigilant, domineering,
intrusive. Any of those work.
I know what you mean. My foster parents
could be pretty controlling sometimes.
Oh, yeah?
What, did they ground you a lot?
- More like solitary confinement.
- Canada really does suck.
I was never really given a chance
to figure out what I want.
I practically had to fake my own death
just to get out of there.
Well, I mean, at least you stood up
for yourself. That's cool.
Just sometimes I wish I had a way out.
A way out... of here? Why would you ever
want to leave these place?
I guess it's just time for something new.
I guess that's what college is for.
But I don't know. I mean, have you
thought about what's next for you?
No.
- No?
- No, actually.
I've been so focused on this year,
I haven't really thought about it.
You should. You know, you got
a whole life ahead of you.
It doesn't matter.
You know, whatever you do...
I'm sure it'll be impressive.
- You really think so?
- Yeah. I mean,
I've never seen you do something
that wasn't impressive, so...
Hey, guys.
- I'm was gonna have a party.
- Sweet.
Bring your friends, but no dudes.
That was a really nice thing
to say. Thank you.
Listen, so... Gooch's party.
- We can talk about it later.
- No, no, I want to talk about it now.
No, you should go.
Seriously, it's cool.
You should really come to the party.
It could be your way out.
Yeah. We'll see.
Mom, you're not, like,
letting her to go that, are you?
Sure. Honey, what's the big deal?
Well, for starters, she was passed out
in the front yard last night.
- Well, maybe she had too much to drink.
- And that's just suddenly okay with you?
I know having another girl in the house
might be causing some jealousy issues,
but this needs to stop.
Okay, then I don't think that this party
will be a safe environment for her.
- Why is that?
- Because Gooch is gonna be there,
and Gooch is a pig.
In business class, he had this proposal
to have a pirate-themed restaurant
where after dinner you have the option
to plunder your waitress.
If you think it's gonna be that dangerous,
then I think you need to go with her.
- What?
- You two can walk the plank together.
- That... is that a joke?
- You're going.
Oh, my God!
Yeah, and try to have some fun.
That's sick. "Oh, don't tase me, bro."
Parker. Oh, my God.
Parker. Where do you get these things?
Honey. Parker.
You look cute.
Thanks. You too.
- Isn't this awesome?
- Yeah. Like a bally's total fitness.
Yeah! Freedom!
Give me your drink, bro.
Well, I'm gonna need
to black that out, so...
Keg?
I'm okay!
Yeah, I'm okay!
No, but, true story...
we met when I was in Australia.
He was practically
royalty there, you know.
Wait, so you're friends with him?
Because I love his movies.
Well, I wouldn't say we're friends,
but you should see
the snapchats he sends me.
That is the coolest thing
I have ever heard.
Easy, tiger. Gonna mess up my hair.
Why are you even here, 84? And why
are you pretending to know a Hemsworth?
- I'm not pretending.
- Which one do you know?
- Does it matter?
- "Does it matter?"
Chill out. I'm just keeping
an eye on things... Megan.
So Hardman sent you to watch over me?
Insurance policy. If we can't
get you out, we'll force you out.
By ruining my social life?
Though it doesn't seem
like you have much of one.
Are you wearing Kesha?
Her scent is the absolute truth.
And...
It's Heather now. Kisses.
Come back here. Where are you going?
What the fuck was that?
- I'm sorry.
- I'm decent.
- Don't worry about it.
- No, it's fine. I think I'll probably...
Stay with me, Liz Larson, and talk.
- Stay and talk with me, please.
- You know my name?
Yeah, why wouldn't I know your name?
Do you want to know my name?
I know that according to the yearbook,
your interests are Donkey Kong
and Donkey Punches,
so that's enough for me.
My name is Bernard.
But Bernard has Tequila, Liz Larson,
- in this awesome flask.
- Pull back the veil.
Bernard's Tequila in this flask Tequila.
- So come, drink.
- Okay, yeah.
- Yes. Are you okay?
- Okay.
So, you heard about homecoming?
I have my eye on this one guy.
I wonder if he's here.
Yep, there he is.
Yeah, don't even think about it.
What? Worried somebody
might like me more than you?
I'm warning you.
- He's mine.
- We'll see.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So you ladies want to play
some beer pong?
- Yes.
- Hey, I'm Cash.
- Heather.
- Come on.
Hey, are you serious?
Yes.
It's all because of me and my old man.
He's just this mindless machine
that I can't even relate to anymore.
"You got to be number one.
I won't tolerate any losers in this family.
"Your intensity's for shit.
Win, win, win."
It's... you son of a bitch.
Sometimes...
sometimes I wish my knee would just give
and he would forget all about me.
I'm so sorry. I mean, I had no idea...
You were such a great actor!
God, that was The Breakfast
Club monologue?
- Yeah.
- I love it.
People don't usually believe I can act,
just 'cause of the way I look.
Yeah, sure, I'm no Vera Farmiga,
but I believe I have talent.
- Tremendo talent.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Hey, man.
- Hey.
Knock-knock.
Look, it's Roger. Roger rabbit.
- What up?
- Come get in. Come hang. It's nice.
No, it's okay.
It does look like fun in here, though.
- That's where the fun is.
- Tubs are fun.
You guys have not seen
Megan anywhere, have you?
- Who wants to know?
- I do.
- He has a trustworthy face.
- Trustworthy?
A little bit, except for that smirk.
She's downstairs.
But... you did not hear that from me,
because I... was never here.
You guys have fun. Thank you.
- No, really, it's so much fun.
- Hey, Megan.
Do you know where...
do you know where Bernard is?
This store is, like, huge.
Who's Bernard?
He's... just, if you know...
when he calls me back,
could you just tell him
that I'm gonna be...
I'm just gonna be under this table.
Cab's here. Who's up for waffles?
- Oh, my God, let's do it.
- Hey, Megan, you in?
- I should really get her to bed.
- Yeah, I think she's already found one.
Come on, let's grab a bite.
Come on, Cash. Do you want
to hang out or bang out?
Liz, hey. Sit up for a sec.
I'm gonna go out for waffles,
but I'll bring you a short stack.
I'll be right back.
I'll bring you waffles. Okay.
Has anyone around here
told you about homecoming?
- No.
- Come on.
Yeah, okay.
This is ridiculous.
I haven't even had coffee this morning.
I wake up, and what do I come down to?
Dicks in my face.
What in that head of yours thought it was
okay to sleep at a stranger's house?
- You told me to go have fun.
- Fun, fun.
But you stumbled in here at 6:00 a.m.
With male genitalia drawn on your face.
- I made sure she was safe.
- Excuse me?
She had a pillow.
What she should have had
was a ride home.
You don't leave a friend on a couch
because you want to go have breakfast
with some silly little boy band.
We look out for each other
in this family. Got it?
Yes, ma'am.
Assholes. They used a sharpie.
You're gonna go to church
with that on your face.
Why don't you walk
right up to the pastor and say,
- "Hey, I've got a penis on my face"?
- I will.
Oh, you will? Okay, great,
let's go show it to grandma.
Step right up, gumdrop.
It's a beautiful day
in the neighborhood.
Hey, there's some gum three rows back.
You think you could get on that?
Teenage sarcasm. Have you tried
acne and eating disorders too?
Have you tried shaving? Martin Van Buren
called and wants those sideburns back.
Marty Van B. died in 1822, 14 years
before the invention of the telephone.
Now you see why I prefer
homeschooling? Sit.
- I'm pulling you out.
- What?
- No, we had a deal.
- Deal's off. Look at your screen.
Knox escaped, and she left
a really nice death threat.
How is that possible?
She had help. I lost some good people.
Don't want to lose you,
so I'm trying to get you somewhere safe.
- I'm safe here, thank you.
- You just logged on to Facebook.
- Under an alias.
- I'm taking you back.
I have an actual life here now, okay?
I'm not going back to Prescott.
And when Knox finds out where you are,
she will use your actual life
to destroy you.
No attachments, remember, 83?
I can't live like that again.
Hey, we're out here.
We're gonna be late. Come on.
If you want to go it alone,
you'll have to go 100% alone.
I won't be back.
It's just... Liz is finally acting
like a human towards me,
and I'm pretty sure
Roger's my first real friend,
and I just got asked out
by the hottest guy to homecoming.
I've never been to a homecoming, okay?
This is... I'm not going. I'm staying.
- Let me off.
- Remember, 83...
I'm not in the rescue business.
Thank you. Finally.
If Knox comes...
she better bring fire, she better
bring thunder, and she better bring hell.
Just tell her to bring it before 10:30.
I've got a curfew.
I don't know why you're so mad, all right?
I didn't pour Tequila down your throat.
I got Pablo Dicasso'd on my face. Yeah?
That's, like, the pinnacle
of high school humiliation.
- It washed off. Sort of.
- What?
Oh, my God. And the photos!
Instagram, like, owns them now.
Can we just focus
on the positive for a minute?
Cash asked me to homecoming!
If I hadn't gone with him,
he would have asked Heather.
That would have been game over.
Jesus, Ringwald! Do you never tire
of this "I'm in a teen movie" fantasy?
I don't even understand
why you're so obsessed with this guy.
Okay, he's cute and he's in a band, yay.
He also looks like the ass-baby
of Criss Angel and Russell Brand.
Hello?
Are you listening to me?
What are you staring at?
Get down!
- Switch seats with me!
- Oh, my God! What's happening?
Somebody wants me dead.
- We're in a car chase, Liz.
- Okay, why?
I'm not from Canada.
I'm a fugitive from
a quasi-governmental military facility
that trains child assassins.
I faked my own death, ran away,
and pretended to be an exchange student.
- I didn't know how to tell you.
- I got to get out of here.
No! Don't do that!
Why would you do that?
I don't know!
I need you to get your breathing
under control before you...
You feel better now, don't you?
Fence!
What happened?
- What are you doing?
- They'll move.
- Are you crazy?
- They'll move.
Stop!
Stay here.
Kesha.
Get armed. You've been armed.
Agent 83, I thought we were done
with each other.
She's a goddamn double agent, Hardman.
- Why do you sound so upset?
- Your protection tried to kill me.
- And what protection would that be?
- 84.
- Agent 84? You've seen her?
- Yes, I've seen her.
You assigned her to shadow me.
She tried to steal my boyfriend.
Follow the lead wire
back to the switching box.
- The red one.
- Please don't blow me up.
I did not send 84. As a matter of fact,
I thought she was dead,
- killed in action during the Knox escape.
- What?
Oh, God. This is a hell
of a state of affairs.
Just send me my gear.
I can take her out.
Oh, no, no, no, 83.
I warned you about this.
You're on your own.
- Got to go.
- Hardman, no...
- Sorry.
- And that's why we wear the suits.
Roger?
- I didn't know you were here.
- Yeah, I heard about the accident.
Thanks so much for coming.
I really needed a friend right now.
Right.
Well, I'm sure Cash is on his way.
Anyway, I'm really glad you're not hurt.
I'll see you around. Okay?
So... trained assassin?
Thank God you didn't get pissed
and bump me off.
Why did you come?
I saw the family photo.
You guys looked really happy.
I wanted to be a part of that.
But I never wanted this, Liz.
I'm really sorry.
No.
Everything's fine.
I'm fine.
I mean, really, I think
it's mostly just bruising.
God... Hardman was right.
I was just too stupid to listen.
I got to go.
- Well, don't leave us.
- It's the only way to keep you guys safe.
Bullshit. Look...
I'm sorry that this is not working out
the way that you always imagined.
But life is messy,
and it doesn't give
a free pass to anyone,
no matter how many different
languages you speak
or whether or not you can kill
someone with a hula-hoop.
Abandoning people
is not how you help them.
Leaving is what hurts. Trust me.
There are vicious, self-absorbed sociopaths
out to get me right now, Liz.
I mean...
You survived high school, right?
How bad could these guys be?
Hey! Where are you going?
I'm not going anywhere.
Thanks for my picture, Parker.
- Okay?
- Now put back my goggles!
- Shit.
- Okay...
I'll let you guys have a minute.
Oh, Christ!
- You want to check your...
- Yeah, thanks.
- Yeah, well, just... call me later.
- Cool.
- Fresh meat.
- Yeah!
Yeah!
Shut up. You cannot judge me.
Not judging. Not judging.
Follow the mission profile,
and we all come home safely.
We have the home field advantage,
so we let Knox come to us.
It is homecoming, though.
Every girl should use protection.
Okay, let's do this.
Awesome, please take this away from me.
I'm gonna throw up all over you.
Please...
What's it like to kill someone?
- Excuse me?
- I just mean, do you even...
feel remorse when you're, like,
shooting someone in the face?
They used to tell us...
that we had to detach, but...
I never could.
So, wait, then are you,
like, haunted at night
by the visions of the souls
that you've taken?
No, no, not... no. Not quite.
See, I've...
- never actually done it before.
- What?
Wait, you told me you were,
like, Miss Experienced.
- I never said that.
- I distinctly remember you saying that.
I know how it works, okay?
I may have said that.
I've seen videos,
different ways that it's done.
- I've just never done it myself.
- Like, never?
I came really close once and grazed
this guy in London. Does that count?
That counts.
I think it has to go all the way in.
Okay.
If we're gonna nitpick here,
then technically no.
I've done lots of other stuff, though.
Okay.
- I have.
- I believe you.
It's not as easy as you think, okay?
It can take a few times
for things to line up.
I don't know why you're laughing.
No, I would... I would do it.
If I had to, I would do it.
I just...
I just think the first time
should be special.
Right?
Yeah, well...
We agree on one thing, then.
What are we talking about?
- Would you...
- Popcorn?
Would you like some popcorn?
I bet you'd like some popcorn.
Wouldn't you like some popcorn?
- Hi.
- Ready?
Yeah, am I good?
- Better than good.
- Okay.
One sec, though.
- Close.
- Okay.
There. Just a little bit
of smoke around the eyes.
Adds to your mystique.
And me?
You positive about the heels?
- Yeah, I got this.
- You got this.
Oh, my God! They're here.
Go get 'em.
Not without you. Let's go.
Three, two, one.
Yes.
So...
Liz Larson?
Yeah, you know... what can I say?
I like who I am around her.
Good for you, Gooch.
It's Bernard now. It's Bernard.
- Hello.
- How's it going?
- Look at you, all dressed.
- Yeah.
- This is nice.
- Thank you.
- I like this.
- There you go, girls.
- Okay, great.
- Thank you.
- You girls look beautiful.
- Thank you.
Wait, wait, wait. Let's take a picture.
Okay.
One, two... cheese.
What are you doing?
- Make memories... not babies.
- Thank you.
Remember, boys... whatever you do
to them, I'm gonna do to you.
Not kidding.
- Oh, my God, my first homecoming.
- You ready?
- Just be ready for anything.
- Gotcha.
Where's Cash? Seen Cash?
Not tightly there.
Good tie. Little mystery, Amber.
I love this song.
Do you want to go dance?
- Yes.
- Yes!
- Should we go join them?
- Emotacon's on next. Maybe after.
Sure, okay.
- How's the... how's the cheese?
- Not bad.
It's actually pretty "Gouda."
- You mean good?
- No, Gouda. It's... it's a joke.
It's cheese, Gouda, it's good.
Right, right. I get it, yeah. Pig Latin.
No.
Cash, I've... I've dreamt
about a night like this
for a really long time,
and I have had so much fun.
You're the front man of an amazing band.
You're the king of this high school.
Wait a minute.
Are you dumping me?
- I don't know.
- You know what, babe?
Whatever it is,
let's talk about it later.
- Later?
- Yeah. I got a big show tonight.
You know, I got to keep my voice rested.
Right, okay. Of course.
Excuse me.
Women...
who needs 'em?
- I'm an idiot, and I owe you a huge apology.
- Megan, just stop.
You're pissed. I get it. Can we just...
I'm not pissed, all right? If you want
to go date the rock star, that's fine.
You want to go hang
with the cool crowd, whatever.
- But I just want you to know that...
- I don't.
Hold on. I was practicing this in my head,
and I want to get it all out.
- I'm just curious. You don't what?
- I don't want to date the rock star.
All right? It turns out,
they don't get puns, like, at all.
I thought about what was next for me.
It's you.
It's me?
You really thought I'd let all this
inner buffness get away from me?
Look, maybe I'm too late, but according
to my exhaustive research,
it is very important
that I dance with a guy
that I really, really like
at homecoming.
Can I have this dance?
Hell no, you can't.
Quit getting handsy with my date.
- What?
- Did she try to touch you?
How do you even know her?
- One second.
- Yeah, sure.
- Your date?
- Yeah, so paws off.
Hey, just one second.
What are you doing? Don't taunt her.
- We've got a new mission.
- Really? What is it?
For that douche-baguettte
to take her hands off my man!
Okay! Megan.
Okay.
Guys.
Are they fighting over Roger?
When I heard you died in the field,
it was the worst day of my life.
Because I wanted to kill you myself.
What is happening?
- Oh, God, is there gluten in this?
- Gluten? It's all liquid.
So? Soy sauce is liquid,
and it has gluten in it. Hello?
Do you think there's soy sauce
in the fruit punch?
God, how much hormone-injected beef
did your parents feed you as a baby?
- Shut up, Cindy.
- You shut up, Donna.
Totem pole.
Before I kick your ass,
let me just say well done.
- For once, you don't look like a tranny mess.
- Thanks. I really like your dress.
Perfect length to show off
those cottage-cheese thighs.
- You wish you had this bod. P90x, bitch.
- P90 extra large, bitch.
I know you're in here.
Megan.
We always knew it would
end up like this...
me with a knife,
you with it in you.
Hardman expected so much out of us.
But Knox opened my eyes
to a better deal.
She takes care
of your precious new family,
and I kill you.
Plus, I got to make out with Cash...
and Roger.
What?
Hot lunch, bitch!
Hey!
- You good?
- Yeah, you?
I'm really good.
Stabbing people is fun. Are there
gonna be more people for me to stab?
No, put the corn dog down.
We got to get home.
Okay.
Yeah, we're all clear out here.
Where the hell is that girl?
God damn it.
Hey!
You guys really need to do something
about that perimeter security.
- Megan?
- Welcome home, 83.
Looks like someone
didn't get lucky tonight.
Why'd you come back, Knox?
Whole list of reasons, but why
don't we just settle on... revenge?
You know, you can call me Victoria.
Hell, why don't we get real familiar?
Why don't you call me Number One?
After all, that is
what Hardman used to call me.
- You're a Prescott?
- The original Prescott, sweetheart.
We have a lot in common.
Although, I listened to Hardman
when he warned me about...
attachments.
Liz!
I found this little rat
scurrying outside.
Don't want to hurt
your attachments, do we?
Drop it.
- Now.
- Now.
Let them go, all right?
They're not involved.
Of course they are.
This doesn't have to end this way.
You and I actually do
have a lot in common.
- Except I'm not a psycho bitch.
- Give it some time.
What do you say, 83?
First Prescott?
Never would have guessed.
Excuse me?
Prescott probably just had
lower standards then, yeah?
Taking whatever losers they could get.
Well, this girl's got a mouth on her.
If you wanted a fight, you could have
just said so, little bitch.
Get your ass up. On your feet.
Did I stutter?
Round three?
You sad little thing.
You think he's coming for you.
Hardman doesn't give a shit about you.
You're all alone.
I'm definitely not alone.
- Hey, she's got a ninja.
- Parker, no!
Get down!
What the fu...
You came.
Looks like Agent One is done. Cuff her.
Megan. Come here.
Oh, my God.
Parker, that was so dumb,
but really cool.
- You came back for me.
- Actually, we came for Knox.
Plus, the sweet 16s needed
some real combat experi...
You came back for me.
Okay, okay. So we do have
our attachments, Agent Eighty...
Megan.
There are worse things.
Don't you have a dance to get to?
- You mean I'm free?
- Not really.
An off-the-books agent in deep cover is not
an asset I'm willing to let go right now.
I'll be in touch.
Are you ready to do this?
Like I'd let you go in without backup.
Let's go.
- Have your asses back here by midnight!
- We'll try.
You want to know
a fun fact about ninjas?
- Not really.
- Well, I am one.
Is that right?
and fill out an application.
Say yes. Please, can I go?
- We'll talk.
- Okay, whatever.
- Cute kid.
- Thank you.
Hi, I'm Penny. This is my house.
And I've got something you want, Penny.
But first, I debrief you.
- Come with me.
- I haven't been debriefed in years.
Why don't you
Put up a fight
Feel like a stranger passing by
Staring at my shoes
as I watch you walk away
Oh, I'm boiling up inside
I don't know what to say
I keep telling myself I'm gonna be okay
Staring at my shoes
as I watch you walk away
Oh, I'm boiling up inside
I don't know what to say
Obviously you're not telling me
something about tonight.
Did you... lose your virginity?
Did you?
Okay, you dirty dog.
All right, all right.
Well, it's only appropriate that I tell you
the story about when I lost my virginity.
She was our babysitter.
She was a lot older than me.
Very gentle, gentle lover.
She was about 65.
Dad, stop the car.
- Hold on. Hold on.
- Hey, where are you going?
- Megan?
- Roger!
I know you're confused,
and I've got a lot to explain.
But for the first time in my life,
I know exactly who I am and what I want,
and I'm not afraid to say it.
Roger, I think you are...
amazing.
That's pretty corny.
Roger!
Where do you think you're going?
Get back in the car.
I'm a good kid, Dad.
You got to let me go.
Does she even have a helicopter license?
Don't wait up.
Roger!
- Hi.
- Hey.
Adolescence is a confusing time.
It's a wonder any of us
make it out alive.
Seatbelts, Roger!
Seatbelts and condoms!
If that comes up. If it doesn't
come up, don't bring it up.
In the end, Hardman was right.
Attachments are dangerous.
They mean you care about something.
But the people we care about
are what make life worth living.
And hey...
what's wrong with living dangerously?
Never got love from a government man
Heading downstream
till the levee gives in
What can I do to get the money?
We ain't got the money
We ain't gettin' out
Heading downstream
till the levee gives in
And my dreams are wearin' thin
All I need's relief...
Find out where she's applying
to college.
Safety schools too.
Look at me
I just can't believe
what they've done to me
We could never get free
I just wanna be
Look at me
I just can't believe
what they've done to me
We could never get free
I just wanna be
I just wanna dream
All of my life been wading
in water so deep
Now we got to swim
Wonder will it ever end
How long, how long till we have a friend
Comin' down, feelin' like a battery hen
Waves won't break till the tide comes in
What will I do in the sunrise
What will I do without my dreams
Look at me
I just can't believe
what they've done to me
We could never get free
I just wanna be
Look at me
I just can't believe
what they've done to me
We could never get free
I just wanna be
I just wanna dream
We're all together in the same boat
I know you, you know me
Baby, you know me
We're all together in the same boat
I know you, you know me
Baby, you know me
We're all together in the same boat
I know you, you know me
Baby, you know me
I just wanna dream
I just wanna dream
I just wanna dream
Baby, you know me
I never knew my parents.
The only thing I ever knew was Prescott.
It was a top-secret
government-run school
that turned little girls
into killing machines.
Not bad. Run it again.
Back of the line, grandma.
97, you're up!
Move! Time trial starts
in three, two, one...
Hardman, the head of Prescott,
had some unique ideas about education.
It's all about putting holes
in the subject.
- See what I mean?
- Ladies, prepare to spring some leaks.
Engage. It's all about
vulnerability. Eyes...
Now, we may have all been orphans,
but we were never allowed
to become a family.
Carotid arteries.
Pens up!
To be a Prescott is to be an island.
It is you and you alone out there.
- What do we say, ladies?
- No attachments!
No... attachments.
Yeah, that part never
sounded right to me.
- Engage!
- But I was good at everything else.
The best, actually.
As much as I wanted to make friends,
that was just never gonna happen here.
Begin.
Bad intentions, ladies. Bad intentions.
Every punch has a purpose.
Strike and move. Strike and move.
Flow.
Elbows, knees. React.
Hammer fist, ladies.
You're not training to save your lives.
You're training to take someone else's.
Bitch.
I was the first one
in my class to be activated.
As usual, 84 didn't take it well.
It takes a certain mindset
to do this kind of work.
That's why they get to us so young.
Plus, who would ever suspect a kid?
Not this guy.
What can I say? He trained us well.
Sure, I got to see the world...
but what I couldn't help notice
was this whole other world
I was missing.
I wanted to know what normal kids did,
so I started gathering Intel.
Meet Victoria Knox:
American expat turned arms dealer.
If you're a terrorist
and you want to kill some folk,
this is the person you call.
Don't let her good looks fool you.
She has an I.Q. of 140,
and she will use it to kill you.
She was last seen in Corsica
three years ago,
until she resurfaced eight hours ago,
and will probably be gone in eight more,
unless we bring her in.
Correction:
Unless you catch her, Agent 83,
- and bring her in, alive.
- Wait, what?
- Simmer down. You're B-team, 84.
- B-team? This should be my mission.
I studied the case file. She's over there
sniffing Kesha, the new fragrance by Kesha.
I said simmer...
You need to get your head
in the game, Agent 83,
because Victoria Knox will take it off.
If we follow the profile,
everyone will come home safely.
- And remember, we're not in...
- In the rescue business.
What she said.
Gear up. We're wheels up in one hour.
Knox was a legend.
Ruthless, vindictive...
and she had a thing
for taking out Prescotts.
Got some bad news: You're dead.
Hey, guys.
- You make them comfortable?
- 36 hours alone in the box.
Oh, good. Good, good, good.
Copenhagen? Hi, peek-a-boo.
Copenhagen's mine.
Johannesburg, remember me?
Like having a gun to your face?
Feels good, doesn't it?
And you... finally got you.
- Gotcha.
- You got nothing, kid.
What do you plan to do with that?
Still playing dress-up
with 007-year-olds?
- Where is she?
- You missing someone?
- You mad at me?
- Let's just say
I'm a little disappointed
with your life choices.
Sit her ass down somewhere.
- Hi. What's your name?
- 83, come back.
83, come in if you hear me.
Give us a visual, anything.
Sign me, come in.
83, come in. Give us a sign
you're down there.
I didn't plan for it
to turn out like this,
but there was no turning back now.
This was my chance to escape.
83, this is your last chance.
Sir, no visual, no audio.
She's not responding.
Mark it.
83... inactive.
I couldn't believe it.
Mission high school was a go.
Last chance to back out.
- Foreign exchange student was your idea.
- Yeah, six years ago.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi, I'm Megan.
- Do we hug?
- What do you do in your family?
- It's different there.
- Hugs are good.
- Okay.
- Hi. I'm Penny.
- Hi.
- This is Parker.
Hey, Parker.
- This is Liz.
- Of course.
No, don't touch me
till I've seen your papers.
- Elizabeth.
- What?
- Mr. Larson, hey!
- Oh, my good...
Oh, no, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry. Excuse us.
Oh, is he... I... I saw in the profile,
the picture of all of you.
No, no, no, it's okay. It's just
the three of us. I'm divorced.
- Sorry.
- But I'm fine. I'm fine.
We are fine. You know,
even better, actually, you know.
Some people make it work. Others, you know,
they run off with a pharmaceutical rep
and spend your life savings
on a pontoon boat.
But we're good, so...
are your parents still together?
Mine are dead.
I'll get the car.
Well, I think what you're doing
is very brave.
Adjusting to a new culture is hard.
You know what else is hard?
Ninja training. But I do it anyway.
- Is that how you hurt your arm?
- Nope, fell off his bike.
It was ninja training.
Okay, and I guess Dad's just gonna
pontoon back any day now too?
Okay, Elizabeth...
let's not ruin dinner.
- I'm a shadow warrior.
- Yeah? That's cool.
I'm a secret agent.
Well, if there's anything
that's special that you'd like to do,
you know, you can just make a list,
and I'm sure Lizzy would be thrilled,
thrilled to show you.
Isn't that right, sweetheart?
I would love to take the school bus.
- Peter Dinardo pooped on the bus.
- Okay, Parker.
- What?
- No poop.
I know a poop when I see one.
You can't fight with that.
One, that's disgusting.
Two, I am not riding the bus.
But it's a quintessential
high school experience.
So is mono.
What is mono?
Kids get it from kissing.
It's like mouth aids.
You seriously just ruined my appetite.
Hey. You have everything you need?
Yeah, just prepping.
Is transpo still at zero seven hundred?
- Transpo?
- The bus, sorry.
Oh, yeah, no,
it usually rolls by at 7:00.
Okay, got it.
You know, we're really glad you're here.
- Thanks. Me too.
- Okay.
Good night.
Okay.
Normal 16-year-old, normal 16-year-old.
Fresh meat.
Oh, my God.
Jeez...
Freak show! What do you want from me?
- I thought we could walk together.
- Are you on bath salts?
It's like you have social herpes and you
want to... spit it back in my mouth.
- That's... that's really gross.
- So is your makeup.
God, you look like you had
a one-night stand with Mr. Potato Head.
Look, I have nine months, three weeks,
and five days until I escape
this post-pubescent psych ward,
and you are not gonna mess this up.
Just...
wipe all that off,
put these on, and just...
try not to talk to me. Okay?
Welcome, Vikings. Hey, everyone.
Now, let's see some school spirit.
Come on, spell it with me.
Come on, V-I-K-I... okay.
- Okay.
- I'm gonna spell it by myself?
All right, well, I have great news.
Our campus is now a nut-free zone.
- Yeah, finally!
- Absolutely, Gooch. That's right.
As long as I'm principal,
you will never see another student
- with nuts in their mouth.
- No promises!
It's gonna be a long year, I see.
I'm also excited because,
for the first time,
Newton High School is participating
in a brand-new foreign
student exchange program.
You know we need more diversity. We only
have two Cambodians and one Mexican.
I take it this is your first assembly.
Yeah. Isn't this awesome?
Not usually. But okay.
Are you a member of the band?
No, I'm actually more
on the engineering side.
I do the lighting board and design.
Oh, look at that.
So that's your thing, then.
A/V geek. I got it, I got it.
I saw "10 Things I Hate About You".
Right, yeah. No, it's just like that.
- Right, I figured.
- Only not the '90s.
You know, just...
whatever happens out there,
- don't let 'em get to you.
- Right.
All right, well, please join me
in welcoming
our foreign exchange student,
all the way from exotic...
Oh, come on, man. Canada? For real?
Please put your hands together
for Megan Walsh.
- That's you.
- Yeah, that's me.
Show her some love, Megan Walsh.
Come on, Vikings, make some noise.
- Yeah!
- Come on, people.
Thank you.
Hey, guys, I'm Megan.
I'm from Regina, Saskatchewan.
I'm really psyched to join the long
and proud legacy of Viking alumni.
- Hey, did you say Regina?
- Yeah, Saskatchewan.
- Go back to Regina!
- Okay, Gooch.
- Canada sucks a dick!
- What are your pajamas all "aboot"?
- Why are you here? Go home!
- No, no, guys... please.
Take back Bieber. Take back Bieber!
- Take back Bieber!
- Stop, stop, stop.
Megan from Canada
I'm just a simple...
man-ada
Cash!
I could change all my plan-adas
If your smile walked in on me
Megan from Canada, everyone.
Hey, they can be a tough crowd.
Don't worry about it;
You're gonna be nickel.
- Thanks.
- Totem pole.
Totem pole.
Thank you. What an entrance.
What an entrance.
Okay, let's give it up
for a little rock group
that was number 24 on the iTunes
download list back in March,
Newton High's own... Emotacon!
Dark day, I can't get no sleep
Because something's got a hold over me
Voices in my head racing through my head
Keep me up
I don't know which one to believe
This water fell for miles
But there's still so far I have to go...
- There she is.
- Hey, Megan. Hi, I'm Missy.
I am so sorry about that behavior
at assembly. Kids can be so cruel.
- Want to join us?
- Come sit, come sit.
Sure. Thanks, I...
Pom-poms?
- You're cheerleaders, aren't you?
- Oh, absolutely.
- I know what angle you're running.
- Angle?
- Oh, I've seen "Mean Girls", twice.
- Okay.
You're gonna invite me to sit, then weaken
my defenses, and then embarrass me
in some elaborate prank
to assert your social dominance.
- What?
- Nice try.
I thought we were nice.
Gooch, enough with the paper airplanes.
Welcome back, welcome back.
First day blues, I get it.
All right, take your seats.
Put your books on your tables
and open them up to the first page.
- No, no, Gooch!
- Yeah.
- Gooch.
- Sorry.
Why can't you be more like Cash?
See? He's got his book out, right?
- Hi.
- You need a seat?
- Look at my beautiful boy.
- Megan from Canada, right?
- Love that mouth.
- A/V geek?
Yeah, well, it's Roger.
All right, here.
- You hungry?
- Nope.
- Sit down.
- Thanks.
- I guess you didn't need that.
- Yeah.
Oh, no. I hope
he didn't "Kermit" suicide.
I heard this class is "ribbiting."
Well, I wouldn't "leap" to conclusions.
Mr. Drumm can be pretty rough.
Hey! New girl! Focus!
Told you so.
Okay, hey...
I know everybody got to sit
with their buddies today,
but I'm the one
who chooses the lab partners.
So tomorrow the seating chart
shall be up,
and we'll have a wonderful time.
Now, get out of here!
I'm not kidding. Get out of here. Go.
It was nice knowing you.
Hold on there, mister. Hold on there.
I know what you're doing after school.
- What?
- You're jammin' with me.
You know, I play a little slide trombone.
You know slide trombone.
Yeah. Let's jam.
- Sure.
- Let's have a sesh. All right.
- Cool.
- I like your spunk.
- Okay.
- Get out of here.
Oh, Canada...
Okay, I'll be here at 4:00
to pick you up.
I'll text you if I'm running late.
You do the same, okay?
- Yep.
- I want to know your 20 every 20.
But no 4:20.
I'm serious.
What am I talking about?
You're talking about weed?
How do you know that?
- What do you mean? Because...
- What are you, Harold and Kumar?
No, I'm a teenager,
and I go to high school, so...
- I'm not saying that I smoke weed...
- Don't. It's a gateway drug.
It is a gateway drug. You smoke
weed, and then, guess what,
meth... equals death.
Crack is whack. Coke's no joke.
So how it all rhymes like that?
It's like a poem about dying from drugs.
Hey, I got to go, okay?
Also, hash is very bad for you,
'cause it's more intense than weed.
It's, like, really compact, and you'll
freak out. I had a major freak-out.
Okay, hey, hello.
- Hey.
- Hey.
It's so funny we ended up together.
Yeah, biology's kind of tricky,
and you seem really smart.
Yeah, it's definitely a good match.
Hi. I think you're in my seat. Hi, Cash.
You're in her seat. Hi, Cash.
Trust me. I'm at station six.
Yeah, no. I'm pretty sure I'm there.
Did everybody find their seats okay?
Come on, Canada, out of my seat.
Every year, I pick a very special
someone to be my lab assistant.
And guess what, who's it gonna be?
Eenie, meenie, miney... Cash.
Come this way, brother.
Struttin' like a rock star.
And you two females,
you can be partners.
Have fun with Regina.
Cold, hard Cash. Get over here, mister.
Megan, hi.
I couldn't help noticing
you're into Cash?
I don't blame you. If I wasn't such a
strict vegan, I'd be, like, all over that.
Tell me about it.
So ironic, though,
all of those groupies and sluts
- that constantly hang all over him.
- Yeah, they're not even his type.
- What is his type?
- Girls who like dressing up.
Like models?
Not even close.
Mascots.
All my high school research suggests
that they're awkward loners,
not musical enough for the band,
too uncoordinated for track.
I know it sounds weird, but school spirit,
it's, like, really big here.
And Cash loves school spirit.
Yeah, why do you think Emotacon
performs at, like, every pep rally?
- School spirit.
- Yeah, I mean, who wants to be
some rando screaming at him
from the audience?
- I wouldn't.
- But mascots, they go backstage.
- They go backstage.
- You would have him all to yourself.
- Mano a mano.
- Mano a mascot.
But you should hurry 'cause you don't
want somebody else to get that spot.
- Yeah, like, totem pole.
- Totem pole.
Great, thanks.
Yeah.
- How'd I do?
- Yeah, that's great, kid.
- A lot of spirit. Job's all yours.
- Yes.
95, 96, 97, 98, 99...
1,000.
"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
and sorry I could not travel both..."
Megan. Care to join us?
Two paths in the woods.
Probably an ambush.
I'd wait until nightfall when they're
asleep and vulnerable,
then advance inside a tree line,
maybe rig a trip wire in case
he's trying to double back.
Okay. Well, Liz... I'd be locking
my door tonight if I were you.
- Sweet answer, weirdo.
- And anyone else?
Whatever that was,
but minus the serial killer part of it.
Move.
Go, team, go!
What are you doing? Who sent you?
- I surrender! I surrender!
- Who are you?
I'm Leonard Steinman.
I'm a sophomore at Lincoln.
Just wanted to hold
the mascot ransom. It's tradition.
- Kidnapping is a high school tradition?
- Yeah.
High school tradition.
Not the face, not the face.
Sweet moves, Canada.
Hey, Megan. Hey.
You all right?
Really lost your head out there.
I got to go.
I'm sorry.
Oh, God.
- There he is.
- Yup.
- How we doing, sport?
- Good.
All right. Who... who's the girl there?
- She's just a new student.
- Yeah, all right.
- But you think she's cute, right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, she's really cute.
What do you call 'em, like, a hottie?
Is that... what do you... is it a...
A hottie biscotti? No.
- You just say, like, "oh, she's hot."
- Yeah, yeah. Just like a babe.
- Yeah.
- Or you say, like, a bitch?
- Like, "hey, look at this bitch."
- No, I wouldn't... I wouldn't say that.
- That's so rude.
- Yeah, sorry about that.
- Can we just go home?
- Yep.
But, you know, your old man is here to talk
if you want to talk about anything at all.
- Yeah, I know.
- Okay.
Like sex or... intercourse, or...
- Let's go, Dad.
- Let's go.
Oh, come on, 83, think.
Fall back on your training.
Stick to the profile.
This profile's all wrong!
- What's going on, honey?
- All this Intel, it's wrong.
I can never show my face again.
I've got it all wrong, all wrong.
It's everything, I...
It's like I'm suffocating.
Simulated drowning, that, I can...
that, I can deal with.
Just... this stuff is so much worse.
I can't... I can't do it. I can't take
another second of it. It's just... it's...
It's high school. That's all it is.
Hey, look. Come here.
You know...
Some thrive, and it's
the best years of their lives.
Others...
Others spend four years being mocked
for wearing a thick black ribbon
in their hair like Madonna
in the "Lucky" star video.
- What?
- Oh, Google it.
But we suffer through it,
not because we're being strong
or staying true to our personal style,
but because taking that ribbon off
would mean revealing to those bastards
the tiny bald spot we were hiding
in the first place.
Hypothetically.
Look, what you're feeling is normal.
High school is a conflicting time.
Okay.
Parental advice terminated.
Bring it in. Give me a hug. Okay.
Stop. I had it taken care of years ago.
- I hope you've enjoyed our hospitality.
- It's all right.
All you got to do is give me
the name of your supplier.
I'll see to it you rot here in dignity.
Showers once a week.
That "L Word" box set.
- French toast on Sundays.
- That's really nice of you.
We both know everybody talks.
We also both know
that I'm not just anybody...
am I, Dumbledore?
If you played your cards right,
we might even let you come back
and play for the good guys.
The good guys?
- You destroy lives.
- Only those that need to be destroyed.
I'm not talking about the targets.
Sir, I have something
you need to... but, sir...
She's cute.
Last chance to talk.
Fine.
- Don't go anywhere.
- Yeah, I'll be right here.
You know what I like about
the people I do business with?
They know they're assholes.
Something funny?
You'll regret this.
She's here.
Yeah!
- What's going on?
- Is that a joke?
85,000 views since just last night.
- I'm viral?
- Like HPV.
Even rape-it Ralph is a fan.
Dude, check this out.
This guy's about to get trombonered.
Just like... right there. Damn!
She showed those d-bags from Lincoln.
Hey, this is why you don't mess
with us Vikings.
- Hell yeah!
- Regina, Regina,
Regina, Regina, Regina...
Whatever. She's gonna get
really fat in college.
I don't get it. I'm on camera
acting bat-shit psycho.
That's usually
what gets people trending.
No, no, no. I can't be on the Internet.
That's bad, Liz. That's really bad.
There you are.
So... we're jammin' this weekend.
Why don't you stop by?
Yeah, sure.
- Sounds nickel.
- Nickel?
- Awesome, catch you then.
- Catch you then.
Obviously not all bad.
Look, you may have
all of these people fooled,
but you and I both know that you are
sketchier than a 2:00 a.m. waffle house.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry!
You really shouldn't sneak up on people.
It's totally my mistake.
Okay.
- Sorry.
- Welcome.
Thanks. This place is really cool.
Got some ice.
Thank you so much.
You know, I'm not... I'm not as fragile
as my easy takedown would suggest.
You caught me off guard.
Usually I can defend myself.
- I did notice that inner buffness, I did.
- Oh, thanks.
So you're on pace to beat Emotacon's
last video release? That's pretty cool.
- Yeah, how do you turn off the Internet?
- Really?
You know, a lot of people would kill
for that kind of attention.
Yeah, I don't know. I just
prefer to stay below the radar.
Okay, so maybe you steer clear
of anymore taekwondo smackdowns?
That was actually more a mix
of krav maga and aikido.
Taewondo is what I just did on you.
But when faced
with multiple opponents, it's...
- What?
- You're weird.
Yeah, but I like it. It's cool.
Were your parents
in the military or something?
Sor... "are parents" a bad topic?
They both died when I was really young.
I was raised by a foster family.
- Sorry, I had no idea. I'm stupid.
- No, it's fine. How would you have known?
I don't know. Well, I'm sorry.
Just don't let it happen again,
or you might need more icepacks.
Oh, yeah, Lara croft?
You know what? I want a rematch.
- Do you?
- Yeah, put 'em up.
All right.
Pop. Here, hit it.
- Really? I don't want to hurt you.
- Yeah. Okay, come on.
- It hurts. It stings. I need the ice.
- Get the ice.
Rogerito... are we set up?
Yeah. Just give me one second.
I could just...
- Hey.
- Hi.
- I'm glad you could make it.
- Me too.
Do you think you could do me a favor?
- I could try.
- Yeah? Come on.
So I'm working on this new song,
but I'm just so inside of it.
I could use an honest opinion,
if you don't mind.
No.
It's pretty rough, so... be gentle.
You
In the back of my head
Oh, I can feel your face
But I can't hold it
I still believe
Smoke
At the back of my throat
Oh, I can smell your scent
But I can't hold you
And it's Saturday and I thought
So I say take me
Take me down to the water
- You're handling it pretty well.
- What's that?
The fame monster. She can be a beast.
So...
It's nice talking to someone who
understands the pressure. Thanks.
Yeah. No, that's... that's me.
Pressure understander.
You know, that guard
totally would have seen you.
- No way. I was in stealth mode.
- Stealth mode?
A compound like this
would have counter-Intel out its ears.
Motion sensors, hyperspectral imaging.
There's no way you could
just tiptoe down the hall.
A high-value target is never gonna be
vulnerable to a face-to-face takedown.
- He's not?
- No, look, you've got to engineer
a passive campaign of mental anguish,
basically alienating the target
from those closest to him.
He'll withdraw, paranoia and suspicion
grow, and eventually he'll just kill himself.
I'm not sure if there's
a button for that.
Right...
Just choke him out
with that lamp cord, then.
Nickel. Thanks, babe.
- I should... I should probably get going.
- Yeah, no doubt.
But, hey, listen, before you bounce,
Gooch's 'rents are out of town,
so we're throwing down this Friday.
You got to be there.
Are you serious?
Parents-away-in-Europe party?
Oh, my God, this day
cannot get any better.
Pittsburgh, I think.
But Gooch's parties are legendary.
You down?
Down. I'm down, yeah. Nickel.
- Totem pole.
- Totem pole.
Greetings, 83.
- Good evening, 83.
- How did you find me?
Same way I learned to tie a bow tie
and slice a pineapple: YouTube.
So who you working for? Eastern bloc?
- Acevedo over at Langley?
- I'm not working for anybody, okay?
Why don't we skip the lies and just let
Pedro here go ahead and do his thing?
You down with that?
That'd be hot, right?
Hardman, please.
You know what? Stand down, Pedro.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna
go ahead and cut right to the truth...
- Serum.
- Seriously? Those don't even work.
Yeah, seriously.
Now we're gonna see if it works.
Why have you run away?
83, 83.
One more time. Why did you run away?
You deprived me of my childhood.
I couldn't just raise my hand and say,
"Excuse me, sir,
"I don't think I really
want to be an assassin.
"Can I please be excused from
this secret mountain killing school?"
Please, please, can we just...
stop the waterworks?
Hey, let's get to the bottom of this.
Who are you working for?
Nobody. I'm not working
for anybody. I promise.
Okay, I worked for Sbarro
for a few weeks over the summer
just to make some extra cash.
I didn't think you'd mind.
Aziz Fataah Sbarro?
When the hell were you in Lebanon?
Sbarro pizzeria. It's the world's largest
mall-based Italian restaurant chain.
- They make these amazing garlic knots.
- Amazing garlic knots.
- I just want to be normal.
- You're a Prescott. Prescotts don't cry.
- Why is she crying?
- Her struggle to find her own identity?
The emotional turbulence
of a first crush?
Maybe she watched the notebook
one too many times.
Adolescence is a very volatile
time for a young woman.
- He so gets me.
- 83!
You are a rogue agent.
- This has got to end.
- Okay, okay, okay.
Hold on now. You can't just take me.
Missing girl in a small town
would throw up all kinds of red flags.
Amber alert, hello?
I need to go back and tie up loose ends,
at least just say my grandma
got sick or something.
I like it. Okay,
but it's got to be done now.
You understand? Megan from Regina...
- It's pronounced...
- I know how it's pronounced.
Megan from Canada...
has got to disappear.
Forever.
You got it?
All right, cut her loose.
Hey, ninja turtle, come on.
Wash up, bed.
Parker, where did you get that?
- Oh, my God!
- Sorry, Megan! Go, go, go!
Hey, are you okay?
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm good. I'm great.
- The key is to tuck and roll.
- I'm sorry, tuck and what?
- Were those secret agents?
- They were, Parker, yes.
But I'm fine. No, I'm okay.
I mean, look at this.
The sun is out. The clouds are shining.
You are Parker, and you are Liz.
- You're scared of me.
- Hell yes, I am.
Not... not just me, though.
I mean, you fear the world.
Every morning you dress yourself
in this cloak of sarcasm.
But stripped bare of this defense,
you'd be forced to forge true connections
within your peer group,
allowing people to see the true Liz.
Pull back the veil, Elizabeth.
I won't reject you.
You talk funny.
Another fine observation,
you sensitive boy with no father figure.
Oh, my God! Okay.
- She so gets you.
- Shut up and grab her ankles!
- You okay?
- Yeah, I must have sort of slept weird.
I feel like I've been tossed
from a moving car.
I know that feeling.
So, are you going to Gooch's party?
I don't know. I mean... It's just my dad's
not really big on parties, so...
- Overprotective?
- Hypervigilant, domineering,
intrusive. Any of those work.
I know what you mean. My foster parents
could be pretty controlling sometimes.
Oh, yeah?
What, did they ground you a lot?
- More like solitary confinement.
- Canada really does suck.
I was never really given a chance
to figure out what I want.
I practically had to fake my own death
just to get out of there.
Well, I mean, at least you stood up
for yourself. That's cool.
Just sometimes I wish I had a way out.
A way out... of here? Why would you ever
want to leave these place?
I guess it's just time for something new.
I guess that's what college is for.
But I don't know. I mean, have you
thought about what's next for you?
No.
- No?
- No, actually.
I've been so focused on this year,
I haven't really thought about it.
You should. You know, you got
a whole life ahead of you.
It doesn't matter.
You know, whatever you do...
I'm sure it'll be impressive.
- You really think so?
- Yeah. I mean,
I've never seen you do something
that wasn't impressive, so...
Hey, guys.
- I'm was gonna have a party.
- Sweet.
Bring your friends, but no dudes.
That was a really nice thing
to say. Thank you.
Listen, so... Gooch's party.
- We can talk about it later.
- No, no, I want to talk about it now.
No, you should go.
Seriously, it's cool.
You should really come to the party.
It could be your way out.
Yeah. We'll see.
Mom, you're not, like,
letting her to go that, are you?
Sure. Honey, what's the big deal?
Well, for starters, she was passed out
in the front yard last night.
- Well, maybe she had too much to drink.
- And that's just suddenly okay with you?
I know having another girl in the house
might be causing some jealousy issues,
but this needs to stop.
Okay, then I don't think that this party
will be a safe environment for her.
- Why is that?
- Because Gooch is gonna be there,
and Gooch is a pig.
In business class, he had this proposal
to have a pirate-themed restaurant
where after dinner you have the option
to plunder your waitress.
If you think it's gonna be that dangerous,
then I think you need to go with her.
- What?
- You two can walk the plank together.
- That... is that a joke?
- You're going.
Oh, my God!
Yeah, and try to have some fun.
That's sick. "Oh, don't tase me, bro."
Parker. Oh, my God.
Parker. Where do you get these things?
Honey. Parker.
You look cute.
Thanks. You too.
- Isn't this awesome?
- Yeah. Like a bally's total fitness.
Yeah! Freedom!
Give me your drink, bro.
Well, I'm gonna need
to black that out, so...
Keg?
I'm okay!
Yeah, I'm okay!
No, but, true story...
we met when I was in Australia.
He was practically
royalty there, you know.
Wait, so you're friends with him?
Because I love his movies.
Well, I wouldn't say we're friends,
but you should see
the snapchats he sends me.
That is the coolest thing
I have ever heard.
Easy, tiger. Gonna mess up my hair.
Why are you even here, 84? And why
are you pretending to know a Hemsworth?
- I'm not pretending.
- Which one do you know?
- Does it matter?
- "Does it matter?"
Chill out. I'm just keeping
an eye on things... Megan.
So Hardman sent you to watch over me?
Insurance policy. If we can't
get you out, we'll force you out.
By ruining my social life?
Though it doesn't seem
like you have much of one.
Are you wearing Kesha?
Her scent is the absolute truth.
And...
It's Heather now. Kisses.
Come back here. Where are you going?
What the fuck was that?
- I'm sorry.
- I'm decent.
- Don't worry about it.
- No, it's fine. I think I'll probably...
Stay with me, Liz Larson, and talk.
- Stay and talk with me, please.
- You know my name?
Yeah, why wouldn't I know your name?
Do you want to know my name?
I know that according to the yearbook,
your interests are Donkey Kong
and Donkey Punches,
so that's enough for me.
My name is Bernard.
But Bernard has Tequila, Liz Larson,
- in this awesome flask.
- Pull back the veil.
Bernard's Tequila in this flask Tequila.
- So come, drink.
- Okay, yeah.
- Yes. Are you okay?
- Okay.
So, you heard about homecoming?
I have my eye on this one guy.
I wonder if he's here.
Yep, there he is.
Yeah, don't even think about it.
What? Worried somebody
might like me more than you?
I'm warning you.
- He's mine.
- We'll see.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So you ladies want to play
some beer pong?
- Yes.
- Hey, I'm Cash.
- Heather.
- Come on.
Hey, are you serious?
Yes.
It's all because of me and my old man.
He's just this mindless machine
that I can't even relate to anymore.
"You got to be number one.
I won't tolerate any losers in this family.
"Your intensity's for shit.
Win, win, win."
It's... you son of a bitch.
Sometimes...
sometimes I wish my knee would just give
and he would forget all about me.
I'm so sorry. I mean, I had no idea...
You were such a great actor!
God, that was The Breakfast
Club monologue?
- Yeah.
- I love it.
People don't usually believe I can act,
just 'cause of the way I look.
Yeah, sure, I'm no Vera Farmiga,
but I believe I have talent.
- Tremendo talent.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Hey, man.
- Hey.
Knock-knock.
Look, it's Roger. Roger rabbit.
- What up?
- Come get in. Come hang. It's nice.
No, it's okay.
It does look like fun in here, though.
- That's where the fun is.
- Tubs are fun.
You guys have not seen
Megan anywhere, have you?
- Who wants to know?
- I do.
- He has a trustworthy face.
- Trustworthy?
A little bit, except for that smirk.
She's downstairs.
But... you did not hear that from me,
because I... was never here.
You guys have fun. Thank you.
- No, really, it's so much fun.
- Hey, Megan.
Do you know where...
do you know where Bernard is?
This store is, like, huge.
Who's Bernard?
He's... just, if you know...
when he calls me back,
could you just tell him
that I'm gonna be...
I'm just gonna be under this table.
Cab's here. Who's up for waffles?
- Oh, my God, let's do it.
- Hey, Megan, you in?
- I should really get her to bed.
- Yeah, I think she's already found one.
Come on, let's grab a bite.
Come on, Cash. Do you want
to hang out or bang out?
Liz, hey. Sit up for a sec.
I'm gonna go out for waffles,
but I'll bring you a short stack.
I'll be right back.
I'll bring you waffles. Okay.
Has anyone around here
told you about homecoming?
- No.
- Come on.
Yeah, okay.
This is ridiculous.
I haven't even had coffee this morning.
I wake up, and what do I come down to?
Dicks in my face.
What in that head of yours thought it was
okay to sleep at a stranger's house?
- You told me to go have fun.
- Fun, fun.
But you stumbled in here at 6:00 a.m.
With male genitalia drawn on your face.
- I made sure she was safe.
- Excuse me?
She had a pillow.
What she should have had
was a ride home.
You don't leave a friend on a couch
because you want to go have breakfast
with some silly little boy band.
We look out for each other
in this family. Got it?
Yes, ma'am.
Assholes. They used a sharpie.
You're gonna go to church
with that on your face.
Why don't you walk
right up to the pastor and say,
- "Hey, I've got a penis on my face"?
- I will.
Oh, you will? Okay, great,
let's go show it to grandma.
Step right up, gumdrop.
It's a beautiful day
in the neighborhood.
Hey, there's some gum three rows back.
You think you could get on that?
Teenage sarcasm. Have you tried
acne and eating disorders too?
Have you tried shaving? Martin Van Buren
called and wants those sideburns back.
Marty Van B. died in 1822, 14 years
before the invention of the telephone.
Now you see why I prefer
homeschooling? Sit.
- I'm pulling you out.
- What?
- No, we had a deal.
- Deal's off. Look at your screen.
Knox escaped, and she left
a really nice death threat.
How is that possible?
She had help. I lost some good people.
Don't want to lose you,
so I'm trying to get you somewhere safe.
- I'm safe here, thank you.
- You just logged on to Facebook.
- Under an alias.
- I'm taking you back.
I have an actual life here now, okay?
I'm not going back to Prescott.
And when Knox finds out where you are,
she will use your actual life
to destroy you.
No attachments, remember, 83?
I can't live like that again.
Hey, we're out here.
We're gonna be late. Come on.
If you want to go it alone,
you'll have to go 100% alone.
I won't be back.
It's just... Liz is finally acting
like a human towards me,
and I'm pretty sure
Roger's my first real friend,
and I just got asked out
by the hottest guy to homecoming.
I've never been to a homecoming, okay?
This is... I'm not going. I'm staying.
- Let me off.
- Remember, 83...
I'm not in the rescue business.
Thank you. Finally.
If Knox comes...
she better bring fire, she better
bring thunder, and she better bring hell.
Just tell her to bring it before 10:30.
I've got a curfew.
I don't know why you're so mad, all right?
I didn't pour Tequila down your throat.
I got Pablo Dicasso'd on my face. Yeah?
That's, like, the pinnacle
of high school humiliation.
- It washed off. Sort of.
- What?
Oh, my God. And the photos!
Instagram, like, owns them now.
Can we just focus
on the positive for a minute?
Cash asked me to homecoming!
If I hadn't gone with him,
he would have asked Heather.
That would have been game over.
Jesus, Ringwald! Do you never tire
of this "I'm in a teen movie" fantasy?
I don't even understand
why you're so obsessed with this guy.
Okay, he's cute and he's in a band, yay.
He also looks like the ass-baby
of Criss Angel and Russell Brand.
Hello?
Are you listening to me?
What are you staring at?
Get down!
- Switch seats with me!
- Oh, my God! What's happening?
Somebody wants me dead.
- We're in a car chase, Liz.
- Okay, why?
I'm not from Canada.
I'm a fugitive from
a quasi-governmental military facility
that trains child assassins.
I faked my own death, ran away,
and pretended to be an exchange student.
- I didn't know how to tell you.
- I got to get out of here.
No! Don't do that!
Why would you do that?
I don't know!
I need you to get your breathing
under control before you...
You feel better now, don't you?
Fence!
What happened?
- What are you doing?
- They'll move.
- Are you crazy?
- They'll move.
Stop!
Stay here.
Kesha.
Get armed. You've been armed.
Agent 83, I thought we were done
with each other.
She's a goddamn double agent, Hardman.
- Why do you sound so upset?
- Your protection tried to kill me.
- And what protection would that be?
- 84.
- Agent 84? You've seen her?
- Yes, I've seen her.
You assigned her to shadow me.
She tried to steal my boyfriend.
Follow the lead wire
back to the switching box.
- The red one.
- Please don't blow me up.
I did not send 84. As a matter of fact,
I thought she was dead,
- killed in action during the Knox escape.
- What?
Oh, God. This is a hell
of a state of affairs.
Just send me my gear.
I can take her out.
Oh, no, no, no, 83.
I warned you about this.
You're on your own.
- Got to go.
- Hardman, no...
- Sorry.
- And that's why we wear the suits.
Roger?
- I didn't know you were here.
- Yeah, I heard about the accident.
Thanks so much for coming.
I really needed a friend right now.
Right.
Well, I'm sure Cash is on his way.
Anyway, I'm really glad you're not hurt.
I'll see you around. Okay?
So... trained assassin?
Thank God you didn't get pissed
and bump me off.
Why did you come?
I saw the family photo.
You guys looked really happy.
I wanted to be a part of that.
But I never wanted this, Liz.
I'm really sorry.
No.
Everything's fine.
I'm fine.
I mean, really, I think
it's mostly just bruising.
God... Hardman was right.
I was just too stupid to listen.
I got to go.
- Well, don't leave us.
- It's the only way to keep you guys safe.
Bullshit. Look...
I'm sorry that this is not working out
the way that you always imagined.
But life is messy,
and it doesn't give
a free pass to anyone,
no matter how many different
languages you speak
or whether or not you can kill
someone with a hula-hoop.
Abandoning people
is not how you help them.
Leaving is what hurts. Trust me.
There are vicious, self-absorbed sociopaths
out to get me right now, Liz.
I mean...
You survived high school, right?
How bad could these guys be?
Hey! Where are you going?
I'm not going anywhere.
Thanks for my picture, Parker.
- Okay?
- Now put back my goggles!
- Shit.
- Okay...
I'll let you guys have a minute.
Oh, Christ!
- You want to check your...
- Yeah, thanks.
- Yeah, well, just... call me later.
- Cool.
- Fresh meat.
- Yeah!
Yeah!
Shut up. You cannot judge me.
Not judging. Not judging.
Follow the mission profile,
and we all come home safely.
We have the home field advantage,
so we let Knox come to us.
It is homecoming, though.
Every girl should use protection.
Okay, let's do this.
Awesome, please take this away from me.
I'm gonna throw up all over you.
Please...
What's it like to kill someone?
- Excuse me?
- I just mean, do you even...
feel remorse when you're, like,
shooting someone in the face?
They used to tell us...
that we had to detach, but...
I never could.
So, wait, then are you,
like, haunted at night
by the visions of the souls
that you've taken?
No, no, not... no. Not quite.
See, I've...
- never actually done it before.
- What?
Wait, you told me you were,
like, Miss Experienced.
- I never said that.
- I distinctly remember you saying that.
I know how it works, okay?
I may have said that.
I've seen videos,
different ways that it's done.
- I've just never done it myself.
- Like, never?
I came really close once and grazed
this guy in London. Does that count?
That counts.
I think it has to go all the way in.
Okay.
If we're gonna nitpick here,
then technically no.
I've done lots of other stuff, though.
Okay.
- I have.
- I believe you.
It's not as easy as you think, okay?
It can take a few times
for things to line up.
I don't know why you're laughing.
No, I would... I would do it.
If I had to, I would do it.
I just...
I just think the first time
should be special.
Right?
Yeah, well...
We agree on one thing, then.
What are we talking about?
- Would you...
- Popcorn?
Would you like some popcorn?
I bet you'd like some popcorn.
Wouldn't you like some popcorn?
- Hi.
- Ready?
Yeah, am I good?
- Better than good.
- Okay.
One sec, though.
- Close.
- Okay.
There. Just a little bit
of smoke around the eyes.
Adds to your mystique.
And me?
You positive about the heels?
- Yeah, I got this.
- You got this.
Oh, my God! They're here.
Go get 'em.
Not without you. Let's go.
Three, two, one.
Yes.
So...
Liz Larson?
Yeah, you know... what can I say?
I like who I am around her.
Good for you, Gooch.
It's Bernard now. It's Bernard.
- Hello.
- How's it going?
- Look at you, all dressed.
- Yeah.
- This is nice.
- Thank you.
- I like this.
- There you go, girls.
- Okay, great.
- Thank you.
- You girls look beautiful.
- Thank you.
Wait, wait, wait. Let's take a picture.
Okay.
One, two... cheese.
What are you doing?
- Make memories... not babies.
- Thank you.
Remember, boys... whatever you do
to them, I'm gonna do to you.
Not kidding.
- Oh, my God, my first homecoming.
- You ready?
- Just be ready for anything.
- Gotcha.
Where's Cash? Seen Cash?
Not tightly there.
Good tie. Little mystery, Amber.
I love this song.
Do you want to go dance?
- Yes.
- Yes!
- Should we go join them?
- Emotacon's on next. Maybe after.
Sure, okay.
- How's the... how's the cheese?
- Not bad.
It's actually pretty "Gouda."
- You mean good?
- No, Gouda. It's... it's a joke.
It's cheese, Gouda, it's good.
Right, right. I get it, yeah. Pig Latin.
No.
Cash, I've... I've dreamt
about a night like this
for a really long time,
and I have had so much fun.
You're the front man of an amazing band.
You're the king of this high school.
Wait a minute.
Are you dumping me?
- I don't know.
- You know what, babe?
Whatever it is,
let's talk about it later.
- Later?
- Yeah. I got a big show tonight.
You know, I got to keep my voice rested.
Right, okay. Of course.
Excuse me.
Women...
who needs 'em?
- I'm an idiot, and I owe you a huge apology.
- Megan, just stop.
You're pissed. I get it. Can we just...
I'm not pissed, all right? If you want
to go date the rock star, that's fine.
You want to go hang
with the cool crowd, whatever.
- But I just want you to know that...
- I don't.
Hold on. I was practicing this in my head,
and I want to get it all out.
- I'm just curious. You don't what?
- I don't want to date the rock star.
All right? It turns out,
they don't get puns, like, at all.
I thought about what was next for me.
It's you.
It's me?
You really thought I'd let all this
inner buffness get away from me?
Look, maybe I'm too late, but according
to my exhaustive research,
it is very important
that I dance with a guy
that I really, really like
at homecoming.
Can I have this dance?
Hell no, you can't.
Quit getting handsy with my date.
- What?
- Did she try to touch you?
How do you even know her?
- One second.
- Yeah, sure.
- Your date?
- Yeah, so paws off.
Hey, just one second.
What are you doing? Don't taunt her.
- We've got a new mission.
- Really? What is it?
For that douche-baguettte
to take her hands off my man!
Okay! Megan.
Okay.
Guys.
Are they fighting over Roger?
When I heard you died in the field,
it was the worst day of my life.
Because I wanted to kill you myself.
What is happening?
- Oh, God, is there gluten in this?
- Gluten? It's all liquid.
So? Soy sauce is liquid,
and it has gluten in it. Hello?
Do you think there's soy sauce
in the fruit punch?
God, how much hormone-injected beef
did your parents feed you as a baby?
- Shut up, Cindy.
- You shut up, Donna.
Totem pole.
Before I kick your ass,
let me just say well done.
- For once, you don't look like a tranny mess.
- Thanks. I really like your dress.
Perfect length to show off
those cottage-cheese thighs.
- You wish you had this bod. P90x, bitch.
- P90 extra large, bitch.
I know you're in here.
Megan.
We always knew it would
end up like this...
me with a knife,
you with it in you.
Hardman expected so much out of us.
But Knox opened my eyes
to a better deal.
She takes care
of your precious new family,
and I kill you.
Plus, I got to make out with Cash...
and Roger.
What?
Hot lunch, bitch!
Hey!
- You good?
- Yeah, you?
I'm really good.
Stabbing people is fun. Are there
gonna be more people for me to stab?
No, put the corn dog down.
We got to get home.
Okay.
Yeah, we're all clear out here.
Where the hell is that girl?
God damn it.
Hey!
You guys really need to do something
about that perimeter security.
- Megan?
- Welcome home, 83.
Looks like someone
didn't get lucky tonight.
Why'd you come back, Knox?
Whole list of reasons, but why
don't we just settle on... revenge?
You know, you can call me Victoria.
Hell, why don't we get real familiar?
Why don't you call me Number One?
After all, that is
what Hardman used to call me.
- You're a Prescott?
- The original Prescott, sweetheart.
We have a lot in common.
Although, I listened to Hardman
when he warned me about...
attachments.
Liz!
I found this little rat
scurrying outside.
Don't want to hurt
your attachments, do we?
Drop it.
- Now.
- Now.
Let them go, all right?
They're not involved.
Of course they are.
This doesn't have to end this way.
You and I actually do
have a lot in common.
- Except I'm not a psycho bitch.
- Give it some time.
What do you say, 83?
First Prescott?
Never would have guessed.
Excuse me?
Prescott probably just had
lower standards then, yeah?
Taking whatever losers they could get.
Well, this girl's got a mouth on her.
If you wanted a fight, you could have
just said so, little bitch.
Get your ass up. On your feet.
Did I stutter?
Round three?
You sad little thing.
You think he's coming for you.
Hardman doesn't give a shit about you.
You're all alone.
I'm definitely not alone.
- Hey, she's got a ninja.
- Parker, no!
Get down!
What the fu...
You came.
Looks like Agent One is done. Cuff her.
Megan. Come here.
Oh, my God.
Parker, that was so dumb,
but really cool.
- You came back for me.
- Actually, we came for Knox.
Plus, the sweet 16s needed
some real combat experi...
You came back for me.
Okay, okay. So we do have
our attachments, Agent Eighty...
Megan.
There are worse things.
Don't you have a dance to get to?
- You mean I'm free?
- Not really.
An off-the-books agent in deep cover is not
an asset I'm willing to let go right now.
I'll be in touch.
Are you ready to do this?
Like I'd let you go in without backup.
Let's go.
- Have your asses back here by midnight!
- We'll try.
You want to know
a fun fact about ninjas?
- Not really.
- Well, I am one.
Is that right?
and fill out an application.
Say yes. Please, can I go?
- We'll talk.
- Okay, whatever.
- Cute kid.
- Thank you.
Hi, I'm Penny. This is my house.
And I've got something you want, Penny.
But first, I debrief you.
- Come with me.
- I haven't been debriefed in years.
Why don't you
Put up a fight
Feel like a stranger passing by
Staring at my shoes
as I watch you walk away
Oh, I'm boiling up inside
I don't know what to say
I keep telling myself I'm gonna be okay
Staring at my shoes
as I watch you walk away
Oh, I'm boiling up inside
I don't know what to say
Obviously you're not telling me
something about tonight.
Did you... lose your virginity?
Did you?
Okay, you dirty dog.
All right, all right.
Well, it's only appropriate that I tell you
the story about when I lost my virginity.
She was our babysitter.
She was a lot older than me.
Very gentle, gentle lover.
She was about 65.
Dad, stop the car.
- Hold on. Hold on.
- Hey, where are you going?
- Megan?
- Roger!
I know you're confused,
and I've got a lot to explain.
But for the first time in my life,
I know exactly who I am and what I want,
and I'm not afraid to say it.
Roger, I think you are...
amazing.
That's pretty corny.
Roger!
Where do you think you're going?
Get back in the car.
I'm a good kid, Dad.
You got to let me go.
Does she even have a helicopter license?
Don't wait up.
Roger!
- Hi.
- Hey.
Adolescence is a confusing time.
It's a wonder any of us
make it out alive.
Seatbelts, Roger!
Seatbelts and condoms!
If that comes up. If it doesn't
come up, don't bring it up.
In the end, Hardman was right.
Attachments are dangerous.
They mean you care about something.
But the people we care about
are what make life worth living.
And hey...
what's wrong with living dangerously?
Never got love from a government man
Heading downstream
till the levee gives in
What can I do to get the money?
We ain't got the money
We ain't gettin' out
Heading downstream
till the levee gives in
And my dreams are wearin' thin
All I need's relief...
Find out where she's applying
to college.
Safety schools too.
Look at me
I just can't believe
what they've done to me
We could never get free
I just wanna be
Look at me
I just can't believe
what they've done to me
We could never get free
I just wanna be
I just wanna dream
All of my life been wading
in water so deep
Now we got to swim
Wonder will it ever end
How long, how long till we have a friend
Comin' down, feelin' like a battery hen
Waves won't break till the tide comes in
What will I do in the sunrise
What will I do without my dreams
Look at me
I just can't believe
what they've done to me
We could never get free
I just wanna be
Look at me
I just can't believe
what they've done to me
We could never get free
I just wanna be
I just wanna dream
We're all together in the same boat
I know you, you know me
Baby, you know me
We're all together in the same boat
I know you, you know me
Baby, you know me
We're all together in the same boat
I know you, you know me
Baby, you know me
I just wanna dream
I just wanna dream
I just wanna dream
Baby, you know me