Barney's Version (2010) Movie Script

1
(RINGING TONE)
BLAIR OVER PHONE: Hello.
BARNEY: Blair, I'd like to speak with my wife.
- Oh, Barney, it's 3:00 in the morning.
- Put my wife on the phone.
- She's not your wife and I'm not waking her.
- All right.
Well, then just ask her
what she wants me to do
with all these nude photos I have of her.
Come to think of it,
you actually might want them,
if only to see
what Miriam looked like in her prime.
(BLAIR HANGS UP)
Hm.
(ALARM BUZZING)
(BARNEY GRUNTING)
- Fuck.
- (TELEPHONE RINGING)
Son of a bitch.
- Hello.
- KATE OVER PHONE: Daddy,
Blair had a heart attack last night.
- Really?
- Yes, really.
- How bad?
- Minor.
He thought it was indigestion.
(LAUGHS)
Putz.
- Dad, it's still a heart attack.
- Yeah, that's true.
You know, the long-term effects
of these things
don't often show up until later.
Impotence is still on the table.
Are you... Are you not at all concerned
that you might have caused this?
Why would I be?
Mom told me about the phone call last night.
The one that woke Blair up
at 3:30 in the morning.
- Dad...
- Listen, sweetheart, I... I got to call you back.
- I'm on the elevator.
- You better. And Michael.
- He's been trying to reach you, too.
- I will.
- I hope it doesn't swell up.
- (SIGHS) It already has.
Okay. Cut!
- How was that?
- Appallingly bad.
Great. Moving on.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR:
Moving on to the next set...
You know I...
Barney... Excuse me...
- Barney, good...
- SOLANGE: I want to talk to you.
Have you seen today's paper?
We need to go over the opening
for next week's episode.
The teaser is over a minute long.
BARNEY: Morning, everyone!
Yes, I know about the book!
And yes, I've seen today's paper.
No, I don't give a flying fuck
and neither should you.
Let that be the end of it.
Barney, the network wants to make
a really big deal about the 30th season.
They want to bring in a new face.
Somebody young.
Maybe... Maybe Solange has a sexy,
young niece who comes to live with her.
No. No way.
They want to write her down
in favour of a new character.
So they want to bring in
some tits and ass, huh?
Isn't that why you hired her in the first place?
I want a word with you now!
Oh.
What language is this?
They're from Bulgaria.
Press clippings about me
and they just keep coming.
They love me over there.
And this proves what I'm really worth
to the foreign market.
Well, I will give this my utmost attention.
ANNOUNCER ON RADIO: Five games into
the National Hockey League last night...
In their last regular season home game,
Montreal squeaked by Calgary.
A score of seven to six.
You get home okay last night?
I got home. Thank you.
He's already had more than a few.
That's for you. I even signed it.
See that review in the paper today?
Not bad, eh?
Ah, why do you have to be like that?
I even wrote you a nice little note.
"To Barney. None of this
would have been possible without you."
- "All the Best, Detective Sean O'Hearne."
- Very sweet.
This is a big day.
Just wanted to buy you a drink,
share in the moment, be a mensch,
like you people might say.
Oh, for someone
who professes to hate me so much,
you certainly do go out of your way
to come around here a lot.
I just want to know
what you did with the body already.
Why don't you just leave him alone?
Because he got away with murder, sweetie.
You screwed over everyone you ever knew
or cared about.
Now the whole world's going to know
what a cock-sucking murderer you really are.
You could use a mint.
- It's a real page-turner.
- Yeah.
(MEN TOASTING IN ITALIAN)
(EXCLAIMING)
(LAUGHING)
- Boogie!
- BOOGIE: Barney!
- CEDRIC: Boogie, what's happening?
- Hey, Cedric.
- Leo!
- Welcome back.
- Dr Smooze.
- Dr Smooze is back.
You're back.
(CHATTERING IN ITALIAN)
- I'm good. I'm good...
- Boogie...
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
- Okay.
- Hey, come here. Come here. Sit down.
Boogie! Boogie, who is that?
- Who's that? That's The Countess.
- CEDRIC: The Countess.
- LEO: Wow.
- Yeah.
- Where did you meet her?
- Ah...
Somewhere between my blackout
in Lake Como
and my hangover in Sainte-Maxime.
(LAUGHS)
Listen, if someone could find out for me
and get her name, please,
- it would be great.
- My man.
Leo. How was your showing?
(SIGHS)
The show was a bust.
I only sold one piece, to Barney.
Oh, his work is too bold for that crowd.
Barney, our very own patron of the arts.
Otherwise known as our only friend
with a real job.
(ALL LAUGHING)
LEO: That's true.
To Barney, living the lessons of the Bard,
"Be as great in act
as you have been in thought."
(ALL TOASTING IN ITALIAN)
(LEO THANKING IN ITALIAN)
What about you, my High Priest?
Did you get through those books I sent you?
- A few of them, yeah.
- A few of them?
I sent you Gogol, I sent you Heine.
What have you been doing with yourself?
(CLEARING THROAT)
Well, actually, I'm getting married.
- To who?
- To me.
LEO: Oh, it's trouble.
Prince Charmingbaum here knocked me up
by way of a magical 30 seconds of friction.
Where the hell have you been?
You didn't come home last night.
Who remembers?
Has he told you what he's doing now?
No.
Exporting olive oil to some guy, Hymie,
back in Montreal.
- It's like a bad Jewish sitcom.
- Well, someone's got to make a living.
He comes to Europe and sells oil.
It's fucking humiliating.
You're not one of us. You're a voyeur.
All right. A toast to the newlyweds.
To your health, to your happiness.
And a three-inch prick.
(CHUCKLING)
(ALL TOASTING IN ITALIAN)
Why did you agree to marry her?
- I got her pregnant, man.
- So?
BOOGIE: It's Clara Chambers, man,
she's crazy.
She's a conversation piece, she's not a wife.
And how do you even know it's yours?
- It's mine.
- All right, if you say so.
- BOOGIE: He's coming with me.
- (LAUGHS) Don't let him knock you up.
BOOGIE: You got any money?
BARNEY: Some. Why?
BOOGIE: Provisions.
BOOGIE: We're going to do it all, Barney.
All of it.
Opium, the horse, the hash.
Everything under and behind the sun,
on and off the table.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Hey, we only go around once, my friend.
(TOASTING IN ITALIAN)
BARNEY: Oh, hold on. Hold on.
Don't tell me, your novel?
You finished it?
- No.
- Oh!
- Volume one, huh. This is it?
- Not yet. Not yet.
I'm not done with it yet.
Read it so far.
Jesus Christ, Boogie, this is brilliant.
When are they publishing it?
They're not.
Why not?
I'm never giving it to that ridiculous editor.
Okay.
What about the advance that they paid you?
I wrote him another one.
You're kidding. Which?
"Vanessa's Pussy"?
What's it about?
It's my interpretation of The Book ofJob
as told through Vanessa's vaginal lips.
I don't know,
for some reason the editor passed.
Let me guess here,
Vanessa is the editor's wife?
Was.
- Come here, man.
- What?
Quit dicking around
and finish this book already.
Hey, assholes. You want to wait up?
It is my wedding.
BOOGIE: You don't have to
go through with this, you know.
BARNEY: You're saying this to me now?
I'm just saying no one will think
any less of you if you don't.
That's good to know. Give me this.
(LAUGHING)
Barney Ponosski.
Panofsky.
Pinasski.
Off-ski.
Panosski.
- Pan-off-ski. It's fine.
- Panosski.
Clara Charnofsky.
No. No. Her name is Clara Chambers.
Charnofsky?
I was married to a Russian gangster
for five days...
- Charnofsky... Jesus.
- I ran away on the honeymoon.
I just never bothered to do the paperwork
to change the name back.
Did you ever think to mention that?
Don't worry, baby.
You still got yourself a true-blue shiksa.
What else haven't you told me, sweetheart?
Are there any kids I don't know about?
Only two. Yosel and Chaim.
They're locked in our attic.
When you go out to get the hockey scores,
I let them down and force feed them
pork-roast milkshakes through a funnel.
There!
(MEN LAUGHING)
(CONGRATULATING IN YIDDISH)
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
I will speak in English.
I'm afraid the infant was a stillborn.
But your wife is healthy, and will certainly
be able to bear other children.
(COUGHING) I must ask you
if you know the biological father,
- for our records, Signor.
- Well, I'm the father.
Then you must be an albino.
(COUGHING)
Little baby never even had a chance.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Brother.
LEO: Oh!
BOOGIE: Barney, what are you doing?
LEO: Cedric, you okay?
- BOOGIE: Barney, what the hell?
- (SPEAKING ITALIAN)
He just lost his son.
Every four hours they attach clamps
to my nipples and milk me like I was a cow.
I really thought it was yours.
Let's talk about this later.
Oh, Barney,
you really do wear your heart on your sleeve.
Now put it away. It's disgusting to look at.
Barney, where are you going? Wait.
Barney, I'm sorry.
Barney, please, we'll start over!
Barney, come back!
BARNEY: I got a call today from Montreal.
My Uncle Irv offered
to get me a job in TV production.
Says there's all these tax loopholes
that make it foolproof in Canada.
Could you pass the lighter off the table,
please?
Thanks.
When did this come, man?
Oh, shit. I completely forgot.
It came a few days ago.
Oh...
CLARA: "Dear Barney,
please come for dinner tonight at 8.
"I think it's important we talk."
Clara!
"I'm sorry. I really do miss you.
"I need you. I'll even make latkes."
Oh.
(BANGING ON DOOR)
Oh.
Are you here about the apartment?
I'm Charnofsky.
The Russian?
From Brighton Beach, in New York.
Your Mechutan.
Your father-in-law. Clara's father.
You going to invite me in?
(SIGHS)
Who'd buy such a disgusting thing?
Actually, Clara made it.
That's me, with the horns.
(EXCLAIMS)
I can only imagine, Mr Panofsky,
the guilt that you are carrying,
but you should know, my Clara,
this is not the first time
she tried to kill herself.
No, no, no. When she was 12 years old,
she used to tear hair out in clumps,
right out of her head, yeah.
She said that we're not her parents,
we should be so lucky.
She said she's not Jewish.
She said, "Tell me who my real parents are."
And until we told her, she wouldn't eat.
We'd have to force her mouth open
and she was a biter.
(LAUGHING) Let me tell you.
We had to pour chicken soup down
through a funnel.
And she would be gone sometimes for days.
Who knows where? Greenwich Village.
And so I had to lock her up in the attic.
Dr Kupner, thank God for him.
He arranged for the mental hospital,
the latest, the best treatment,
the shocking electric... Something.
Never mind the expense.
We would do without.
But, you know, was she grateful?
No, she would yell in front of everybody
at the hospital,
"Dr Kupner, you felt up my tits."
Language like this, from a young girl,
you can imagine.
And then she would come home.
You know what she did for a thank you?
She sat in the bathtub,
she cut open her wrists,
the ambulance is sitting outside.
People are peeking through their curtains.
My wife was so ashamed,
she couldn't leave the apartment for a week!
Anyway, you shouldn't blame yourself,
Mr Panofsky,
because she did it before.
I think you should leave.
I've upset you.
Get out of here.
Get out?
What, do you talk like this to an older man?
I just lost a daughter.
So high and mighty
you're getting with me, huh.
You couldn't have made her so happy, either,
or she would not have done that to herself.
I'll throw your ass down the stairs.
I don't care.
The man at the embassy told me
it took two days...
Two days for you to find her!
Where were you, her loving husband,
where were you?
- Get out!
- Where were you?
Get out now!
IRV: Abe!
Did you hear what happened last night?
Some Nazi punks took a shit
right on the steps of Beth Zion.
Yeah, that's right.
And that's why you cannot be
complacent with your support.
We need Israel.
Look, I don't need to tell you
where things like this can lead.
Starts out with a turd, next thing you know,
we're wearing armbands again.
Mmm-hmm. Excellent.
And, Abe, I'll see you Friday night
for dinner, right? Great.
Donations go through the roof
when shit like this happens. Let's eat.
IRV: Fundraising, this is how you make
real connections, Barney.
I'll give you the target's annual income,
not the numbers on his tax returns,
the real numbers.
It could happen here, you tell him.
Israel is our insurance policy.
It could happen here.
Israel is our insurance policy...
Who's to say that it can't happen here.
Israel is our insurance policy.
And I hate to say it, but it could happen here.
Gentlemen, I need to borrow
my nephew here for a moment.
What did I tell you, producing, fundraising,
it's all the same dance.
Now listen to me.
I've got a girl I want you to meet.
- Darling.
- Hi...
Dexey, back from Florida.
Irv, I don't need to be set up.
Listen, she's got it all,
she comes from a very good family.
She's got a master's from McGill
and she's a good-looker.
Sweetie.
- Yeah, you're right.
- Sweetie, this is him.
- Hello.
- You're Barney.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
So, throughout the entire second year
of my master's degree,
I have a master's degree,
I had this reoccurring dream
where I'm 16 again
and I'm standing in Reuben's Butcher Shop
on St Viateur.
And I have this long pigtail
and it has a ribbon in it,
which my Aunt Sarah brought back
from Saks, in New York City.
And did you know Reuben?
He was such a card.
When I was 10,
he would always come around
from behind the counter and he would go,
"How come a beauty like you
isn't married yet?"
I was only 10, which is...
And I'm not married now.
Oh.
Is your dad really a cop? Is he? Is that true?
'Cause I heard he was a cop.
That's why you're not a square
like all the other Jewish boys I know.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
- Button up your jacket.
- I don't want to.
- Why?
- Yours isn't buttoned.
Mine doesn't fit as well.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
(CONGRATULATING IN YIDDISH)
- It's the housekeeper, Dad.
- Swanky.
Go ahead.
So, Mr Panofsky,
you must have a lot of interesting stories,
you know, having been a detective and all.
Gorgeous, please call me Izzy.
(GIGGLES)
And I was just a beat cop.
I mean, Jews don't get promoted to detective
in this town.
Oh. Did you ever encounter anti-Semitism
in your profession?
What do you think?
Let me give you an example.
One of my first shifts on the job,
I corner four guys
doing a dope deal in an alley,
big score for a rookie.
So, you know, I call in for backup
because the rules say
you can only put three in a patrol car.
And, you know, I'm playing it by the book.
The dispatcher says to me,
"Your people are good with numbers,
you figure it out."
So I toss three in the back,
and the fourth I throw over the hood
and I handcuff him to the...
Side mirror.
There you go. Haul them all in.
(LAUGHING) Oh, my God,
that sounds so dangerous.
Only when he blocked my view.
(LAUGHS) That's funny.
(LAUGHING)
Are you saying you were gratuitously violent
with suspected felons?
Gratuitously? No, I always got paid.
I ain't going to work for free.
He means unnecessarily, Dad.
Oh, look. When a fellow is young
and you give him authority,
he likes to push people around.
But I always knew
that my name was Israel Panofsky,
and you know,
I knew I had to be extra careful
and I was, most of the time.
FATHER-IN-LAW: "Most"?
Did you ever consider
that your career advancement
was stunted by your professional conduct
and not by imagined prejudices?
I call it as I see it.
But you're the one with the mansion
on the hill, so what do I know?
You got your brains from him
and beauty from her.
And you are one sweet little casserole.
(BARNEY CLEARS THROAT)
Can we make a toast?
To the blessed match of these two lovebirds.
You never know
what tomorrow's going to bring
so get to shtupping and multiply already.
(LAUGHS)
(GLASS CLINKING)
The chicken is great.
It's fish.
No shit? Sorry.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: Darling, I can't tell you
how gorgeous you look.
And did you see Marsha?
Did you see the way she was looking at you?
Did I ever.
Poison from her eyes, she was so jealous.
Did you see what she was wearing?
She looked like a futon.
- What?
- How's that? Is that gonna do you?
What? No, it's cold, it should be hot.
I think it's supposed to be cold.
(CONGRATULATING IN YIDDISH)
Thanks a lot. I appreciate it. Thank you.
(CONGRATULATING IN YIDDISH)
(BAND PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC)
(ALL CHEERING)
(SINGING IN YIDDISH)
(SCREAMING)
We're married!
(SCREAMING)
(MAN SINGING POP SONG)
Hey, man. What's the score?
- One-zip. Boston just scored.
- Ah, shit.
(CHEERING)
Give me a shot.
Mmm-hmm.
I'll have another one.
(MAN SINGING POP SONG)
Sorry.
(ANNOUNCER CHATTERING ON TV)
Beautiful. Bring it around.
Let's go!
ALL: Oh!
BARNEY: God damn it!
It was a hell of a save, though.
Barney, your father's with the rabbi.
Will you go do something, now?
Mmm-hmm.
Will you put that out?
A lot of my relatives have asthma.
(LAUGHS)
(CONTINUES SINGING)
IZZY: So, we're shaking down
a rub and tug, you know,
but I never bust the girls
because they provide a valuable service.
But, you know, we do it for appearances.
Anyway, we're doing our thing and one
of the clients, this crazy Hungarian Nazi,
loaded on Slivovitz starts going ape-shit,
comes at me with a chair
and I swear to God,
a hard-on the size of a can of hairspray.
(LAUGHING)
- (LAUGHING) Dad.
- Yeah?
- Can I steal you away for a minute?
- Yeah, sure.
I'll be back in a minute.
If I'm not, you start without me.
All right, come on.
You know,
I didn't think I'd be having a good time.
I thought they'd all be snotty,
but they're a nice bunch of people.
(LAUGHING)
What are you laughing at?
- Jesus Christ!
- What?
Nothing. I love you, Dad.
Oh, man.
(GRUNTING)
- What in the hell's that?
- I almost forgot.
Mmm-hmm.
- What's that?
- (SHUSHING)
Your wedding present.
Jesus Christ.
That was my first gun. I want you to have it.
I don't know what to say.
Don't say anything.
Give me a kiss and get us a drink.
Come on.
- Single malt.
- Yeah, give the cop a drink.
Your father-in-law said
that neither of you were to have
anything else to drink.
- What?
- Really?
Is that right? Here you go, Dad, have a party.
Where is that asshole?
(CLEARING THROAT) Don't embarrass me.
- Give me a double.
- BARTENDER: Yes, sir.
(MIRIAM LAUGHING)
(MAN SINGING ROMANTIC SONG)
Barney,
can I help you?
Uh... No. Nothing, nothing.
Why? Forget it.
Yeah. Don't you ever tell my father
what he can and cannot do again.
He traumatised the rabbi's wife.
I don't care
if he fingered her under the goddamn table.
He's my father and he will have your respect.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
(CLEARS THROAT)
Hello.
- Hi...
- Sorry, we haven't met.
- I'm Barney.
- I'm Miriam.
- Thank you for having me.
- Oh, of course.
- Are you all right?
- (CLEARS THROAT) Fine. Perfect. Yes.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
- I understand you're in television.
- Mmm.
- Totally Unnecessary Productions.
- Oh, that's a little harsh.
No, that's the name of my company.
- It's not.
- Yes, it is.
- It is and they are, believe me.
- (LAUGHING) That's funny.
Your cigar is out.
Oh, it's okay.
I wouldn't want it to bother you.
Oh, please, it's a Montecristo. Go ahead.
Thank you, I will.
Do you know
why they're called Montecristos?
Haven't a clue.
Fine cigars are rolled by hand.
And the men and women whose job this is
chip in from their own wages
and employ lectors,
these people who read to them all day long
while they work.
It's entertainment to make the day pass.
At the factory
which produces the Montecristo,
the workers' favourite story was...
Ah-ha.
You guessed it. The Count of said name.
Lectors.
Nice touch, huh?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
- I never knew any of that.
- BARTENDER: Barney!
(SOFTLY) One. One.
(LAUGHS)
- What?
- Thank you! Thank you!
- What's that?
- I'm sorry, it's nothing,
it's the hockey game. Stanley Cup.
Oh. Who's winning?
Habs have tied it up, in fact.
Do you follow hockey?
(LAUGHING) No, but I read newspapers.
Are you doing anything later?
Because we could still catch
a flight to Rome.
Lunch at Dal Bolognese
on the Piazza del Popolo.
To Rome?
Rome.
The bride may take issue with that.
Anyway, I have a train to catch later,
back to New York.
- Congratulations again.
- Thank you.
Thank you for being here, Boogie.
I'll never miss any of your weddings.
(LAUGHING)
Hey.
I almost forgot.
It's a classy dame. Smart as a whip, too.
Who?
- Let's get you that drink.
- That would be good.
(BARNEY CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Oh, man.
For the first time in my life, I am truly,
seriously, irretrievably in love.
So am I, Barney.
So am I.
(ALL CLAMOURING)
Central Station, please.
- DRIVER: You see this?
- Oh, my God.
You know what, to hell with it.
ANNOUNCER ON PA:
Ready for boarding on...
CONDUCTOR: IDs, tickets?
Wow! I like you with glasses.
- What are you doing here?
- Run away with me.
What?
Run away with me.
Or, or stay with me. I don't care.
Or I could go with you.
- Are you out of your mind?
- No. I'm...
I'm bent over backwards in love with you,
Miriam.
I'm... I'm heels over head, completely...
Don't be ridiculous.
We just met, at your wedding.
(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)
- It's not funny. Barney, get off the train...
- I cannot believe that this really happens.
It really happens. Just like that.
CONDUCTOR: IDs, tickets?
It's amazing, no?
And I don't care if it happened
on my wedding night,
at a funeral, on my deathbed.
It happened.
CONDUCTOR: IDs. Tickets.
I don't have an ID or a ticket. Sorry.
Then you'll just have to get off the train,
okay?
Get off the train, Barney.
Among other things, sobriety and regret
are anxiously waiting up for you.
Here, I got it.
You look fantastic in that dress.
CONDUCTOR:
Leaving Montreal in two minutes.
Two minutes, everybody.
Oh!
(DOORBELL RINGING)
(DOOR OPENS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
Oh, my God.
- We thought you were dead.
- We thought you were dead.
I called the police, I called all the hospitals.
I was so verklempt,
Dr Stein gave me a Valium.
I was supposed to take half,
I took the whole thing.
(LAUGHS)
That was a gift.
So this must be the Via Condotti.
(HUMMING)
Ah!
Would you put that away, please?
It's our honeymoon, not a travel junket.
- I'm embarrassing you?
- Yes.
Like with the bidet?
You didn't have to ask the concierge.
I could have told you what it was for.
- Do you have a master's degree?
- No.
Am I embarrassed? Snap out of it.
We came to Rome to have fun!
Not to mourn the death of your first wife.
MRS P: Yeah, we went to the Vatican.
(SCOFFS) It's old.
Yeah!
Ma. Ma. Ma.
You should see the bathrobes they got here.
Yeah.
And the soap. To die for.
Well, of course I will.
I already stuffed three bars
in my suitcase for you.
Okay, Ma, you know what?
I'm going to talk to you tomorrow.
Okay. I'll talk to you tomorrow.
(EXHALES)
Hmm.
(EXCLAIMS EXCITEDLY)
Hey, you know what?
I was just thinking about the wedding.
- It was beautiful, wasn't it?
- Yeah. Lots of relatives.
- I got a big family.
- Yeah, you certainly do.
- Who was that guy from Chicago again?
- My cousin, Isaac?
Right, Isaac, right. Funny guy.
(CHUCKLES)
And what about that girl?
I think she was from New York,
the one in the blue dress?
Oh, Miriam Grant.
Right. Who is she again?
She was a couple of years behind me
at McGill.
She's the kind of girl, you know,
she subscribes to The Economist,
but she buys Vogue off the stand.
I think Jeff brought her.
- Jeff seems gay.
- Jeff is gay.
Just pretends for the family.
Ah. Good.
Good?
Well, yeah. I mean,
better that the guy lives a lie
than he inconvenience the family. I mean...
Well, yes.
(SIGHS)
I think I'm going to take a quick nap
before dinner.
- Oh, no, no, no, no. I don't think so.
- Why?
I don't think so.
(HUMMING)
- Oh, did you wash it like I asked?
- Yeah.
- With soap?
- Yep.
- Okay.
- (LAUGHS)
- Sorry I'm late. I took a cab.
- It's okay, I just got here.
And how are you, my favourite offspring?
To tell you the truth, perplexed.
- By what?
- By you.
Before this recent phone incident,
you got Blair a subscription
to Boy Toy Monthly using his work address.
Mmm-hmm.
And before that, you signed him up
to an Al Qaeda website.
The man still can't fly out of the country.
I've upset Claire, is that it?
No, you've upset Mom.
Blair's too much of a chicken-shit
to say anything.
(BARNEY LAUGHS)
See? You truly are my proudest achievement.
Do you know that?
(KATE LAUGHS)
- He stole her from me, sweetheart.
- No, he didn't.
You got divorced, she got remarried.
Look, no one was rooting for a comeback
more than I was, but it's time to let it go.
- They're happily married, I'm sorry.
- They're married. Stick to the facts.
- An apology wouldn't hurt, either.
- Oh, for Christ's sake, apologise to who?
Hey, why don't you come up to the country
this weekend, hmm?
- Actually, I have a date.
- Oh.
- Nice boy?
- No. He's a nasty piece of work.
- Funny. (CHUCKLING)
- Yes, he's very nice.
We'll see. It's our third date
and I'm not bored silly or madly in love.
I like him.
I think that shows a sign of maturity.
What?
- Where the hell did I park my car?
- You took a cab.
Right. Yeah.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(EXCLAIMS) Well, I definitely need a weekend
in the country, huh?
All right.
(SEAPLANE FLYING)
Oh, thank you, nurse.
Thank you for landing us safely, Constable.
O'MALLEY: Hopefully, the weather will be
more forgiving the next time I pass through.
You can be sure my landing strip
will always be clear for you.
(DIRECTOR SNORING)
- Cut! Great.
- (SOLANGE SOBBING)
DIRECTOR: Moving on to the next setup.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR:
All right, we'll take this one down
- and we're gonna move 75 feet.
- Um...
(SIGHS)
I need a couple of rigs.
What's the matter with Solange?
Her fianc died in a plane crash.
Oh, come on, that was more than a year ago.
I mean, you look at her,
you would think that she...
(LAUGHS) To let you finish that thought
would be an insult to stupidity.
- Huh.
- Barney, excuse me.
Phone's for you. It's a Miriam Grant.
Miriam?
MIRIAM: Barney. This has to stop.
BARNEY OVER PHONE: You got my flowers.
Yeah, I got the flowers, I got the gifts,
every week it's something else.
I don't know where to start
with how inappropriate this all is.
Why don't you just skip ahead
from where I'm annoying and inappropriate
to where I'm charming and endearing.
No. 'Cause you're a married man
and I won't be involved with you in any way.
No, I'm sorry. I know.
Why don't we talk about it over lunch?
I could be in New York tomorrow.
Are you listening to me?
Every word.
Really? Well, words matter. Actions matter.
If you want people to take you seriously,
then act accordingly.
Understand? What am I saying?
"Be great in act as you have in thought."
Well, yes, exactly.
(LAUGHS)
I have to go, so stop this nonsense
and focus on your marriage.
I'm just so happy that you called.
Thank you, Miriam.
Goodbye, Barney.
- (LAUGHS)
- (MIRIAM HANGS UP)
(LAUGHING)
(SCATTING)
MRS P: Well, tell Daddy not to eat the bagels
if they make him bloated.
Did I say he was fat? Did... I did not.
I actually have to go because I have to go
and vacuum the broadloom downstairs.
Because I had to fire the maid.
Because every time
Barney and I would go out,
his father would come over
and have sex with her.
(SNORTS)
I know it's disgusting. You asked.
- Goodbye.
- (HANGS UP)
(SIGHS)
If you don't throw this out, I will.
I'll take it up to the country house, yeah?
Oh.
Will you tell your buddy, Bernard,
don't throw up all over the place
'cause I just changed out all the carpets.
Absolutely.
You went to the game last night.
You think the score
magically changed overnight?
(SIGHS) I gotta get going.
Barney. Barney, stop, this is important!
- What's important?
- This is... This.
Talking. This communicating.
You don't want Boogie puking
all over the carpets and your father's fat.
Does that about cover it?
Do I talk down to you like that?
I gotta get going.
Okay. I'll be... I'll see you in a couple of days.
Hi.
Get in. Come on.
I thought you came here to kick.
(LAUGHS)
Come on, man.
I've been on flights for 15 hours.
I had to fix up one more time
or I wasn't going to make it.
BARNEY: Oh, shit.
I thought I'd surprise you.
Surprise.
Thanks.
So, this is why you brought him here?
BARNEY: He needed some place safe to kick.
Yeah, it's called rehab.
You want one?
Just bring the bottle to the table, Barney,
then you won't be jumping up
every two minutes.
Wow, are we ever in for a jolly time
this weekend.
Oh, you don't know the half of it.
Look what I found
while going through your wallet.
You're going to be very embarrassed
when they show up.
I called the florist.
While she's usually discreet
about her clients,
the ray of sunshine that is you
left the manager eager to tell me
about the standing order of roses
that you have to someone
- in New York every week.
- Jesus Christ.
This is ridiculous. Are you going to pick
through every goddamn receipt that I have?
I'm not going to sit here
and be interrogated like this.
Schmuck.
(DOOR OPENS)
(CLEARING THROAT)
Sorry I'm late. I have to get a divorce.
What!
Holy shit!
You cheated?
- No.
- She did?
- No.
- So what happened?
I'm in love with someone else.
Who?
You don't know her.
Where'd you meet her?
- You don't want to know that.
- Wait a minute.
You asked me here to talk
and now you don't want to talk?
- What do you want from me?
- I don't know.
Give me a hint.
- Some paternal wisdom. How about that?
- Ah. Fine.
Look, you're talking to someone
who knows how hard marriage can be.
In the beginning, it's all briskets
and blow jobs and la-di-da,
ain't life grand?
But soon enough, real life starts, right?
You come home from work,
all she wants to do is talk.
All you want to do is screw, right?
And before long, every day is like pushing
an avocado through a cheese grater.
It all feels like you're holding a pile of shit.
Mmm.
This is the paternal wisdom I'm gonna get?
Maybe you should just take a step back
before you do something rash
and take a good hard look at the situation.
You're married to a well-bred woman
who is loaded.
Makes a nice, flaky kugel,
has a beautiful rack.
And many successful marriages have
been built on far less.
All right. You know what, just drop it.
Forget I even came in here with this.
- Listen to me. Will you listen to me?
- Mmm.
If you divorce her,
she's going to take you to the cleaners.
Oh, come on. Her father is loaded.
She's going to inherit a shitload of money.
She's going to be fine.
You think that's going to stop her
from taking all of yours?
I don't care.
You want to tell me her name?
Miriam.
And is she the one?
Is she the mother of your children?
Absolutely.
All right then, let's do it.
I'll be back tomorrow.
I'm just too drunk to drive tonight.
MRS P ON PHONE:
You're leaving me with a junkie.
Are you with your whore?
- No.
- So you do have a whore?
My father was right about you.
You son of a bitch!
You're not the kind of man
that I should have married.
I should have married...
ANNOUNCER ON RADIO:
In local news, forest fires have been reported
along the shores of Mont Orford,
due to continued dry conditions in the area.
Details coming up
on the morning news at 7:00.
(BOOGIE MOANING)
(MRS P MOANING)
Oh, God!
(SCREAMING) Get out!
BOOGIE: Oh, shit.
MRS P: Barney!
(CLEARS THROAT)
You bastard son of a bitch.
This is all your fault!
My fault?
Yeah, this is your fault.
You got to be kidding me.
Oh, wow, my wife and my best friend.
Good heavens.
I just... I took in a little tray of food
'cause I was worried about him.
And he was all trembling and sweaty
and soaked through his sheets,
so I lay down beside him
to try and keep him warm.
And I don't know how he got my robe off!
No, it's a mystery.
Must have been some kind
of voodoo magic or something.
Wasn't that covered
by your master's degree?
Yeah, didn't you take that class?
Feminist Approaches
to Fornication and Adultery.
I can't hear you!
- Maybe you were sick that day, professor.
- You know,
I don't think we should talk about this
while I am still so upset.
- (LAUGHS) Oh, you're so upset?
- Yes!
You're so upset.
And now I'm leaving!
Where the hell are you going, sweetheart?
I'm going to my mother's!
Oh, well, say hi.
And tell them we're getting a divorce!
Tell her yourself.
But don't do it today,
because she's getting a root canal.
I was coming back to try to work things out.
Oh, bullshit!
I bet you two perverts
cooked this whole thing up together.
(LAUGHING) No, I'm going to kill him for this
and then I'm coming for you.
And just for kicks, your father after that.
Go to hell!
(STARTS ENGINE)
Animal!
(WHISTLING TUNE)
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
I should kill you for this.
BOOGIE: Oh, no.
What you should have done was call first.
Thank you.
How could you do that to me?
Oh, no, no, no. She did it to me.
Ah.
It was innocent enough to start with.
She brought me something to eat.
She started talking and talking and talking.
Tells me how you've been shirking
your husbandly duties.
So you fucked her?
Well, it was the only thing
that would shut her up.
(LAUGHING)
Try the dining room.
I'm going to need you
to do something for me, Boogie.
I'm going to need you to testify that
I came home to you in bed with my wife.
(LAUGHING)
You sly bastard.
You planned this all along, didn't you?
(LAUGHING) Oh, no, no, no, no.
No. Who could have planned this?
I don't see any scotch, but lookie here?
Lookie, lookie here.
What do you say, huh?
Duel at high noon?
I just don't think we have enough booze
to get us there, do we?
- That's loaded, shmuck.
- Hmm.
Come on, there's more in the kitchen.
Hey, man, hey.
Hey, listen, man,
will you testify for me or not?
I'll think about it.
(SNIFFLING)
You know what? I think that it's time
that you came through for me, for once.
How many times have I bailed you out
over the years, man?
I don't know, man. I wasn't counting.
Neither was I.
You sure about that?
When I had nothing,
I borrowed for you, man.
You owe me.
Isn't this getting interesting?
Very interesting.
But I'd like to go for a swim and think it over.
You must have a snorkel and flippers
here somewhere.
(DOOR OPENS)
Hey, Balzac, how's the novel coming along?
(COUGHING)
Now, are you asking as a friend,
or are you asking as an investor?
Both.
Well, I'm still working on it, man.
You're a fraud.
- Have I let poor Barney down?
- Yeah, you have, yeah, fraud.
Well, too fucking bad. Too fucking bad.
- You know what, man?
- What?
- I brought you in. I educated you.
- Mmm. (LAUGHING)
I put all the right books right in your hands
and look what you've become.
What?
A TV hustler
married to a rich man's vulgar daughter.
But not so vulgar
that you wouldn't bang her, asshole.
Oh, and that's not the only wife of yours
I had. Not at all.
The next time I'm in New York,
I'll call on your little tart
and I'll make it a trifecta.
Fuck you!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
What happened to you?
Boogie, what happened to you?
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing happened to me.
That's what you take
as such a personal offence.
I am not your pet project.
I am not your vicarious life.
You're not my friend?
(EXCLAIMS)
Hey! Do you realise something?
Do you realise
that you haven't even come close
- to giving me a goddamn apology?
- You know what?
Let me recommend another book for you
to stock your shelf with there, Barney.
The Life of Heinrich Heine,
who, upon his deathbed,
was begged by his loved ones
to ask for God's forgiveness
before he passed.
But good old Heinrich, he had only this
to say, "God will surely forgive me.
"After all it's his fucking job."
Hey, Boogie, wait.
Wait a minute, Boogie. Fuck.
You're too drunk, man,
and you're a lousy swimmer.
Boogie, stop!
Take the goddamn flippers off.
Boogie, God damn it!
I'll shoot, man. I'll shoot you, prick.
- Shoot then.
- I will!
Oh, shit.
- Holy fuck.
- There you go.
There it is.
But next time, you shoot it at me,
you fucking coward. Shoot it at me.
You'll see for yourself what's really inside
this mossy damn cavity you think is a heart.
Fine.
- Fine.
- Come on, do it.
- Don't you fucking...
- (GUN FIRES)
(SEAPLANE FLYING)
Busy day. Big fire a few miles east.
Twenty cottages burned so far.
They're wasting their time out there.
I told them I already looked
all over the lake in my boat.
He's broken into a cottage.
He emptied it of all the booze
and pills he could find. He moved on.
But he leaves his clothes and wallet here?
He took someone else's clothes.
No break-ins have been reported.
You got something to drink?
That's kind of sick.
My first wife made that.
Oh, yeah? What's her name?
She's dead.
Catch her fucking someone, too?
(LAUGHS) Actually, she killed herself.
Beat you to it, I guess.
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
You know, I called you guys.
Yeah, you did.
So, how come you didn't mention this gun?
That's... My dad's a retired cop
and he gave me that for protection.
You're Izzy Panofsky's fucking kid?
- Yeah.
- (LAUGHS)
No shit?
So, how come there are two rounds missing?
- Uh, Boogie and I were horsing around.
- Shooting off rounds?
We were drunk.
This was after you found him
fucking your wife?
No, it wasn't like that at all.
You shot off the rounds
before you walked in on them screwing?
No.
- After? So you did shoot him?
- Yeah.
Yeah. Right through the fucking heart.
For Christ's sake.
Now we're getting somewhere.
Are you a complete imbecile?
Why are you wasting your time here?
What about this piece of ass
you were keeping in New York?
- The florist gave us her name, Miriam Grant?
- You leave...
(GROANS)
Jesus Christ.
Two bullets fired from your gun
right after you caught your best friend
banging your wife.
You threatened to kill them both
and now he's missing.
Unless you ate him,
we'll find the body before sundown.
Get off of me.
So you tell me where the body is.
I'll say you were cooperative and remorseful.
You'll get yourself a smart Jew lawyer
and be out in no time.
IZZY: Barney! Hey!
Hey!
What are you doing here, Panofsky?
I got a telephone call from my son.
What are you doing here?
Very sweet. He attacked an officer of the law.
Yeah?
From where I'm standing
this looks like police brutality.
Like you're one to talk.
You leave your hands off of him.
- He's going down for murder.
- Really?
Well, it seems like
your razor-sharp detective skills
have missed one tiny detail.
I don't see a body. Where's the body?
Now you got something else to say,
talk to his Jew lawyer.
(GROANS)
Don't touch it, you'll get germs.
For the moment no charges have been laid.
We've searched the area extensively,
no body has been found yet, so
this remains a missing persons case.
Even with the overwhelming circumstantial
evidence implicating Mr Panofsky,
our hands are tied.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR:
All right, people, we got 10 minutes to roll.
10 minutes until we're rolling. Actors and...
Excuse me, Barney.
The papers you were waiting for just arrived.
- Hello?
- BARNEY OVER PHONE: Miriam?
I'm... I'm divorced.
- Barney.
- I'm going to be in New York tomorrow.
How about dinner?
Um, no.
- Lunch?
- No.
Miriam, please.
Is the ink even dry yet?
Let me check.
Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
Look, it's just lunch. That's it. Only once.
And if you decide
that you never want to see me again,
then that's it.
I swear. Just lunch.
Yes. I'd like a bottle of Dom Prignon,
well-chilled.
And a dozen long-stem roses sent
to my room at exactly 2:00.
Hi.
I am so happy that you made it.
Now, have you eaten?
- Is it hot in here?
- No and no.
You're sure. Okay.
Well, champagne?
I... It's an occasion,
we should have some champagne.
Don't you think? Yeah. Hey, excuse me.
Can I get a bottle of Dom Prignon?
And did you want to order now?
Well, I haven't looked at the menu yet.
Of course, I'm sorry. You take your time.
The champagne, that will be fine.
Thank you.
And some beluga.
The Iranian kind not the Russian
'cause the Russian is just too salty.
(EXHALES)
Wow. It is hot in here.
Are you okay?
No. Yeah. No. No. I'm...
I'm great. I'm fine. I'm fine.
There's just so much
that I want to talk about, you know.
Oh, I know, yes, I know. Have you read...
Can I be clear on something?
You didn't get divorced on my account,
did you?
Of course I did.
You hardly know me.
(WAITER CLEARING THROAT)
Your champagne, sir.
BARNEY: Oh! Wonderful, look.
Now we can celebrate. Good.
Celebrate what?
Well, now that I am no longer a married man
and you and I are finally together.
Are you all right?
(RETCHING)
Don't leave, please.
What would you like to talk about?
- All the President's Men, Herzog...
- Oh, my God.
Alphonse Daudet?
(GROANS)
- Nice reference, by the way.
- Yeah, thanks.
I'm an idiot.
Oh, don't be so modest.
You obviously expected me
to come to your room.
Never.
So, the champagne and roses
are for someone else?
Oh, my God.
Why don't you get cleaned up?
We can go out, get some fresh air,
maybe a slice of pizza.
I'm absolutely starving.
You know, I'm always surprised that
people from New York don't know this,
but the Big Apple
is actually an old racing term
credited to John Fitzgerald,
sports writer for The Herald in the '30s.
But he had heard it from old stable hands
from Mississippi,
using the term
to refer to the New York racetracks
because getting to race in New York was
considered hitting the big time, you know.
Getting to take a bite of that Big Apple.
But I'm just going to keep talking here
because I'm afraid that if I stop,
there's going to be a pause or a break
and you're going to say,
"It's getting late," or, "I should get going."
And I'm not ready for that to happen.
I don't want that to happen. Ever.
There it was, the pause.
(SIGHS) Yeah.
I'm still here.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Oh, I adored my father.
He was my hero.
Until I found out he was sleeping
with every girl he could get his hands on.
That killed my mother.
It's what gave her cancer.
That's a bit unfair.
No, it's not. Devastated her, every part of her,
mind and body, heart and soul.
And that will never happen to me.
Well, I would never do that to you, Miriam.
I want one thing from you.
Anything.
Don't answer, "Anything."
'Cause it's not real. And life's real.
It's made up of little things,
minutes, hours, naps, errands, routine
and it has to be enough.
After all you've done to pursue me,
how can I trust you?
Well, that is, uh,
that's a reasonable question.
I will just... I will just cut it off.
You're offering to be my eunuch?
I said that I would do anything
for you, Miriam.
Well, don't do that. We'll be needing it.
- Barney? Do you take this woman...
- Yes. Yes. I sure as hell do.
(ALL LAUGHING)
(CONGRATULATING IN YIDDISH)
He promised
he'd never miss any of my weddings.
(COOING)
(SNIFFLING)
- Oh, Barney, put it in the freezer.
- What?
The onion.
Put it in the freezer before you chop it
and then it won't make you cry.
Well, how did I not know that?
I think that he's about ready for his nap.
- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.
MIRIAM: It's about time to go for a swim.
(LAUGHS)
Look at you. Look at you. What are you...
(LAUGHS)
What?
You did good, boychik.
- Anything?
- No.
- A nibble?
- No, Dad.
- Burgers?
- Yes.
(LAUGHING)
All righty. Burgers it is.
Tell your mother we threw them all back.
For sure.
(MOTOR FALTERING)
Come on, Dad!
- I got it. I'm working on it, okay?
- Okay.
I got it.
I'll get it with a little bit of force, you know.
(MOTOR FALTERING)
Son of a bitch.
Now what do we do?
You guys need any help?
Yeah. No. No, thanks, no. I've got it. It's fine.
I just need to get a little bit of a...
If you throw me a line, I can tow you in.
I'm renting a cabin here.
Just moved from New York.
Good. And what do you do, Blair?
I work in radio.
Oh, I used to work in radio in New York.
Really? Where?
WZAJ.
It's a little jazz station.
Yeah. Sure, I know it.
Ron Lewis is an old friend of mine.
He is? That's funny. He gave me my first job.
Isn't that a coincidence?
The universe works in strange
and mysterious ways, huh?
Mmm. Mmm.
We were just going to throw some burgers
on the barbecue.
You wanna join us?
- I'm a vegan. But thank you.
- A what?
Is that treatable?
(LAUGHS) I can make a salad.
No, I don't want to impose.
I should probably paddle home
before it gets dark, anyway.
- But it was lovely to meet the both of you.
- Sure.
- A pleasure.
- Sure.
MICHAEL: I found this really old cabin...
MIRIAM: Salad...
...in the forest and it's really cool.
- MIRIAM: Michael.
- And we should take you there one day.
- BARNEY: Well, here we go.
(BOAT MOTOR REWING)
Probably just flooded.
I re-attached your pull cord.
That was nice of him.
MIRIAM: We'll end ourprogramme
with a request from our regular listener,
Alphonse, from Montreal.
This is Leonard Cohen's
Dance Me to the End of Love.
I'm Miriam Grant.
You're listening to WIXU, New York.
(SNIFFLING)
It's not like I'm going to war, okay?
- I'll be back Thanksgiving.
- Okay.
I'm going inside.
Any last words of wisdom?
If you need money, ask me.
Don't start selling dope.
- No selling dope.
- Yeah.
Got it. (LAUGHS)
Take care of yourself.
He had to leave home eventually, you know.
That's not it.
I want to go back to work.
I've been thinking about it for a while.
Blair said that
he could get me freelance work.
Oh. Uh-oh.
No, listen. Just research and writing for now,
but it could lead to other things.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Maybe even on air.
Well, I'm sure that Blair will do everything
that he can for you.
Oh, stop it.
And how is everything?
It's excellent, as always, Jean.
We're good. Thanks.
I knew how you'd take this.
It's just that I worked so hard
so that you wouldn't have to,
so you could be here with me and the kids.
I thought we agreed that was important.
It was important.
But Michael's gone and soon Kate will be.
And, you, my darling,
are as grown-up as you'll ever be.
I have to remember that I was once
something more
than just a wife and a mother.
Fine, then. You know what? I'll quit working.
We'll retire early.
We'll go travelling in Italy.
We'll get a villa on Lake Como.
You're trying to fix it.
You can't fix this like you do everything else.
I don't want you to. I need to do this.
Can you try and understand?
Yes, of course.
Whatever you want to do,
I am behind it 100%.
Okay.
Well, Mr Dalhousie,
that's all we have time for.
And thank you so much for coming in.
It was a great pleasure.
Thank you.
That's great. Perfect. Perfect.
(LAUGHING)
(MEN SHOUTING)
(ANNOUNCER CHATTERING ON TV)
- BARNEY: Come on! Come on!
- (EXCLAIMS IN DISAPPOINTMENT)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Well, come on!
What the hell kind of a call is that?
Oh, God damn it.
He took a fall.
He tripped on his own goddamn stick.
(RINGING TONE)
Where were you?
I was at Grumpys watching the game.
Did you hear my interview?
Oh, God damn it.
I'm sorry, sweetheart,
(LAUGHING) I lost track of time.
It was important to me. You knew that, right?
Yes.
But you missed my first on-air interview
'cause you were drunk
and watching the hockey game
like you've done 1,000 times before.
Yes.
Okay. I just wanted to be sure that
we were clear on what happened here.
Should I sleep on the sofa?
Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
You're not sleeping on the sofa.
We don't sleep apart.
- Did you get your plot yet?
- No.
You should. The good ones go fast.
- You okay?
- Sure.
You know, I was thinking about something.
Maybe you should move in with us.
The kids are gone, we got a lot of space.
What do you say?
Thanks, but no thanks.
I just don't like the idea
of you being alone, that's all.
I'm not alone.
You see that? Jacob Stern, no wife?
That's alone.
I'm going to be right here, near your mother.
When you get to be my age,
you'll see what a comfort that is.
It must be hard without her.
I'm used to being without her.
I need to get laid.
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
- What?
God almighty. Classy, Panofsky.
How long have you ever had to hold out,
Mr Three Wives?
- Huh?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I think it's safe to say in 50 years
we'll look back on this time
and our inhumane treatment of animals
for the purposes of mass consumption
and we'll look at it as a shameful
and barbaric period in our history.
I mean, I think it's much the way
we view segregation and McCarthyism.
I think we're at the interval
between consciousness and action...
- Barney.
- BLAIR: And, you know...
- (WHISPERING) Don't smoke that.
...what provides that momentum
towards action is conversations like this.
- Like we're having right now.
- (CLEARS THROAT)
I mean, I think it's probably
going to be less than 50...
What do you...
Do you say less than or fewer...
MIRIAM: Fewer.
BLAIR: Yeah, you say fewer than.
So, I think it'll be fewer than 50...
If you can't at least be civil with my friends,
don't bother joining us.
Oh, I thought I was perfectly civil.
You fell asleep at the table.
(EXHALES)
I forgot to ask, how was the cemetery?
Good times.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Hello. Yeah?
(WOMAN SOBBING)
WOMAN 2: Don't take it to heart.
Hiya, boychick.
(SOBBING)
(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)
I'm sorry.
Oh, goddamn. Oh, you look like a king.
That's what you look like, Daddy.
You look like a fucking king.
- You want anything?
- KATE: No, thanks.
It's your turn.
All righty.
- What did you do?
- Right here.
Let's see here.
This guy right here.
What word is that?
Attorney.
KATE: You're missing half the letters.
It's the abbreviation, genius.
When you get that lazy with cheating,
I know you're tired.
Hmm.
MAN: Five, four, three, two...
And we're back talking with renowned
painter and artist, Leo Fasoli.
Leo, you recently signed a seven-figure deal
with Simon & Schuster
to publish your autobiography,
and then you returned the money
saying that you no longer wanted to do it.
What happened?
It proved to be more difficult
than I originally thought it would be.
So does that mean you won't be
doing a retrospective any time soon?
Who knows? Anything is possible.
(CHUCKLES)
- It was nice to meet you.
- My pleasure.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- So, you like this one?
- Yeah.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Thank you again for doing this.
This was a real coup for Miriam.
- Thank you.
- It was my pleasure, huh.
She is an amazing woman.
You sure you don't want to stay the night?
You know
that we would love to have you. Please.
There's nothing I would enjoy more,
but I have to get back to Italy.
I have to.
Hey, you have made a wonderful life
for yourself. It makes me happy.
(BIDDING FAREWELL IN ITALIAN)
See you.
(LAUGHING)
Allow me a toast to you, Barney,
'cause you really came through
- getting Leo to do this interview.
- Yes, you did. You did.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
And a toast to Blair on his new job
in New York.
Well, I don't have it yet. Just...
Oh, well, here's hoping.
- Everybody done.
- BOTH: Mmm-hmm.
- Let me help.
- No, no. Guests don't clean.
Yeah, sit down. Come on, sit.
So, when do you find out?
Oh, it's... It's another month.
A month? Oh jeez, come on.
Don't be so soft. You got to push these guys.
You got to push them.
Let them know that they're going to lose you
if they sit on their asses.
No, I'm just not one to be aggressive
in that way. You know?
Just because you're gay,
doesn't mean that you can't be assertive.
I'm not gay, I just...
No. I didn't think so. But Miriam seems to...
Miriam thinks I'm gay?
Well, I told her that you weren't, but...
(MIRIAM CLEARS THROAT)
So, what are you boys talking about?
(DOOR CLOSES)
What's with you?
- What?
- Don't say, "What."
Let's just skip that whole part, okay?
I was just giving him some life lessons,
that's all.
By telling him that I think he's gay?
Who even jokes about that any more?
I don't want to fight about Cher.
Oh, we're not fighting about Blair,
we're fighting about you.
- Why?
- Because getting Leo to come in
doesn't negate all the interviews
that you've missed
to get drunk and watch the game or...
Or all the dinners that you ruined
'cause you're incorrigible with my friends.
Oh.
It doesn't?
I'm going to go and visit Michael for a week.
What?
I'm going to New York.
- Oh, when?
- Next weekend.
All right, I'll take the week off.
No, I think a little time apart
would be good for both of us.
What? Where is this coming from?
We've hardly been apart
since we've been married.
I think it would be good
to circulate the air a little. That's all.
You know...
It's only a week, okay?
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
- Hello?
- BARNEY OVER PHONE: Michael.
Hi. Put your mother on the phone, please.
Nice talking to you, too, Dad. Mom?
- Yeah?
- It's Dad.
Okay. Hold on.
Hi.
Come home already. Would you?
I can't sleep without you here beside me.
I know.
I keep reaching over for you in bed.
You know,
I bought our cemetery plots today.
What?
(LAUGHS)
I can't handle being without you
for even a day
and that got me thinking,
and I just needed to have that settled.
That we would be together forever.
Oh. You shouldn't have done that
without talking to me first.
That's a big thing.
What does that mean, that you're not sure?
No. Why is everything
all or nothing with you?
I say I need a little space and you go out
and you buy real estate for our afterlife?
- I'm sorry. I...
- Overreacted. Yes, you did.
I'm sure what you bought is fine.
I'm sure that if you bought it,
it's the best plot in the whole city,
but I'm still not coming home today.
I'm enjoying my week with my son.
Now, I have to go,
because Blair is waiting for us...
- Blair?
- Barney, don't even start.
He actually took your advice
and he told them that he had another offer
and they called him down
for a final interview.
Oh, I can't believe
that you're there with Blair.
I'm not even going to
have this conversation with you.
I love you, but I really do have to go. Okay?
Uh-huh.
(DISCONNECTS CALL)
And then our friend here
leaves his own wedding,
takes off and chases her right on to the train.
- No way!
- Yeah.
- You're crazy.
- That's what I keep telling him.
- You don't remember me, do you?
- Should I?
I had a small part on your TV show
a few years ago.
Really? I'm so sorry.
I can't believe I don't remember that.
That's okay. I remembered you right away.
- Oh, thank you.
- (CHUCKLING)
I'm going to freshen up a bit.
- Would you mind ordering me another?
- Of course.
(MOANING)
- I need a test now.
- Test for what?
VD, syphilis, gonorrhoea, AIDS,
the whole thing.
- Slow down. What the hell happened?
- Just give me the test, Morty.
And I need the results as soon as possible.
There we go.
- Oh, it's good to be home.
- Yeah.
I'll put these in water and then
I'll unpack your bags, so you go relax, okay?
I have a better idea.
- I missed you.
- I missed you, too.
You must be exhausted, though, right?
I'm going to make you some tea
and I'm going to run you a bath.
How's that sound?
- Barney?
- Yeah?
What's wrong?
Nothing. Why?
Barney.
What?
- (TELEPHONE RINGING)
- Oh! I got it. I got it. I got it.
Hello? Oh, yeah, hold on. Just a second.
It's work.
There's crazy problems on the set and it's...
Well, whenever you're done hiding whatever
it is you screwed up while I was gone,
I'll be in the bedroom naked.
Morty, so?
Oh, thank God.
Oh, my God, thank God.
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah. Yeah, that's great.
I don't know why, but I...
I checked the caller ID,
'cause you were acting so strange and...
Why did you lie to me about it being Morty?
(SIGHS)
Tell me the truth.
Oh, God.
Are you sick?
- Tell me.
- No, I'm not sick. No.
- The way you cough.
- No.
- All those cigars?
- Miriam. No.
I am not sick.
Okay.
So what is it?
What are you hiding from me?
Tell me.
It meant nothing to me.
Oh, God.
Please, Miriam, please.
Please, please, Miriam, please, please...
- How could you? How could you?
- Please. Please. Please.
We have a life.
We had a life.
Hey, wait a minute, Michael.
(CLEARS THROAT) Hey. Hey.
I know how difficult this is for both of you,
but your mother and I
are going to work through this, okay?
How could you have fucked this up?
She deserved so much better than you
and she still loved you.
You're a miserable, ungrateful prick,
is what you are.
Watch your mouth. I am still your father.
Yeah, I know.
There's nothing I can do about that.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Totally Unnecessary Productions.
One second.
- Good morning, Barney.
- My car was stolen.
Find out what I do to report it, please.
It's parked in the lot.
I have the keys right here.
- It's okay.
- I know.
Why did you leave the set?
I thought you might want to give a speech.
No.
I'm not interested.
You don't even know what I'm going to say.
I am not interested
in what you're going to say, that is the point.
What if it's something really interesting?
Right now, I'm in a state
of complete disinterest to all things.
Is that clear
or should I get someone to translate?
(LAUGHING)
I'm going to Bulgaria, first class.
You haven't flown in 30 years, Solange.
I've been in systematic desensitisation
therapy to get over my fear of flying.
- Are you out of your mind?
- What? (GIGGLES)
Some idiots keep printing 30-year-old
pictures of you in bikinis,
so old Bolsheviks
can have something to jerk off to,
and you're going to travel
a halfway around the world because of that?
What the hell do you imagine
is going to happen, Solange?
What are you, you're going to step
right off the plane onto the tarmac
with the Chanel glasses and the Hermes
scarf wrapped around your new do?
A gaggle of paparazzi awaiting your arrival?
You are 180 years old!
Solange, get the fuck over it!
What the hell is wrong with you?
What the hell is wrong with me?
My friend Leo just died!
You hear me?
Leo died a year ago.
What?
You were a pallbearer at his funeral, Barney.
I'm going to start by asking you
a series of questions.
Just answer them. There's no right or wrong.
What month is it?
You're joking.
- There's a point to all this.
- Uh-huh.
April.
- What season is it?
- Summer.
What kind of car do you drive?
Morty, this is fucking embarrassing.
What the hell!
Just answer it.
It's...
You know... It's... It's...
(SIGHS)
Oh, God damn it.
This is crazy. This is crazy.
It's German.
You know, I can't even find the fucking thing.
Why the hell should I care what it is called?
(ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING ON RADIO)
MIRIAM ON RADIO:
That was Leonard Cohen's I'm Your Man,
a request from our ever-faithful listener,
Alphonse, all the way from Montreal.
And here's one for you, Alphonse.
I Don't Want to Hear it Anymore
by Dusty Springfield.
(LAUGHS)
Here you go, Alphonse.
(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHING)
Fuck! Fuck!
Daddy!
Daddy! Daddy, stop. Stop. Please stop.
Daddy, what's wrong?
What's wrong?
I can't remember
your mother's phone number.
You look great.
You look fantastic.
Sit down, come on.
You're not going to get sick
on me again, are you?
No, no. Only coffee for me now. Thank you.
But I do have my crib notes.
Now where the hell are they?
Yeah, I got my address and number,
Kate's number, Michael's,
all the important stuff in case I get lost.
I was thinking a dog collar
might be better but...
I've been doing some research,
and they're always coming out
with new treatments and doing trials.
Yeah, let's... I don't...
Let's not do that whole thing.
'Cause we all know
where this is heading, right?
Can we be friends now?
No, we can't.
I'm here for you, if you'll let me be.
We had a beautiful marriage, but it's over.
And I want you to accept that.
Have I ever given up when it comes to you?
Never.
So what makes you think
I'm going to start now?
(JEAN GREETING IN FRENCH)
(GREETING IN FRENCH)
- Are you ready to hear today's special?
- Yeah.
We have Dover sole
flown in from Calais this morning.
We have also...
Mmm.
Thank you.
Jean, Jean, did you see Barney?
No, Madame, I haven't. He paid the bill,
but left his wallet on the table.
Thank you.
- MIRIAM: Barney?
- Yeah?
- There you are.
- Hey, what's up?
I couldn't find you. I got scared.
It's so beautiful in here, isn't it?
You forgot your wallet at the table.
What's wrong with you? Look at you,
you're practically shaking. Hey...
- Well, I thought I lost you.
- Lost me? No, no.
Hey, I was thinking, the kids are at school.
What do you say we go home
and curl up in bed and watch a movie?
- The kids?
- Yeah.
You dropped them off, right?
You okay? Oh, my love, hey, don't cry.
Have I not loved you enough today?
Is that it?
It's okay. Hey.
What do you say? What do you say?
Let's go play hooky.
Huh?
Let's get you home.
Okay.
It was while on a survey here
on the summit of Mont Orford
that Hydro workers stumbled upon the
remains of Bernard "Boogie" Moscovitch,
who went missing more than 30 years ago.
His friend, Barney Panofsky,
producer of the long-running soap
O'Malley of the North,
was the only suspect in the case.
Our findings show that Mr Moscovitch
died by either a severe beating to the skull
with a blunt instrument, or perhaps injuries
sustained from a fall of considerable height.
But there is no evidence
of gunshot wounds whatsoever.
Retired Detective Sean O'Hearne
whose book about the case
was both a commercial and critical failure,
had only this to say.
Just because he didn't shoot him,
doesn't mean he didn't kill him.
This just brings us one step closer
to proving the truth, okay?
Thank you. Thank you.
REPORTER: The pathology report
suggesting that the victim's injuries
were consistent with a sky-diving fall
doesn't shed any new light
on who may have been responsible
for this death.
But at least one part of a 30-year mystery
- has finally been solved.
- KATE: Just turn that off.
Kate?
Kate, what is this?
What is...
A regular payment out of the company?
Oh, that.
For years now,
Daddy's been paying some guy
to make up those fake tabloid items
about Solange.
- Why?
- I don't know. To make her feel good.
He even went so far as to get them
faxed from Bulgaria,
just in case she checked the number.
Bulgaria.
Daddy asked me to keep them going.
Here.
"To my wife Miriam Grant Panofsky,
I leave our city condo
"and the adjoining plot to my own
in Mount Royal Cemetery,
"where my wish is for her
to be buried alongside me."
He shouldn't have included this.
It's not fair to her.
I mean, she's married to Blair.
Only until death do them part.
Right.
One last thing.
He left Boogie money, "To publish
any original writings of his choosing
"whenever he should return."
See? He always thought
Boogie would come back.
(SIGHS)
Dad? Hey.
Here, Dad. Just don't tell Kate, okay?
(SEAPLANE FLYING)
Oh, we used to love the water bombers
when we were kids.
You remember, right, Dad?
KRAMER: The pathology report
suggesting that the victim's injuries
were consistent with a sky-diving fall
doesn't shed any new light...
BOOGIE: We only go around once, my friend.