Barry Munday (2010) Movie Script
Tortilla chips
are on my lips
And no one's pressed
against my hips
Bad beat poet
late at night
The city gets bright,
I can't see
The neon lights
don't work on me
I am no watcher
in the fight
Charlie says
Nobody's got
A strange
and hidden power and
No one is really
beautiful
They're all just
Mediocre men of the hour
Mediocre models
of the hour
Mediocre men
You take me places
and you make cool faces
When our sex erases
The lonely past
And you found me
when I was first
And 10 against 11 men
Who could kick my ass
But anyway
It's probably
Gonna pass.
Barry, are you awake?
Honey, just relax.
Doctor says everything's
gonna be just fine.
Until that day,
I couldn't imagine living
for anything other than women.
You see,
there's a moment that exists
at the edge
of sexual success
for which
there is no equal...
the addictive seconds
just after uncertainty
and immediately preceding
touching the gold.
It's Christmas.
It's with this
in mind
that I relate
the events leading to
the involuntary removal
of my testicles.
- Yep. Mm-hmm.
Yeah. No, that's
gonna be great.
We can do that.
I don't know how you do it, Lucy.
Do what?
Look like a model.
A supermodel, actually.
A super-duper model.
Hey, I don't know what
you got goin' on later,
but I was thinkin'
of hittin' the happy hour
over at Chili's.
Got a workout partner...
I don't date people
at my workplace.
Who said date?
TGIF.
Maybe not...
maybe not Chili's.
Everpea has got
this really rad nacho bar.
Why don't you
date people at your work?
I just don't.
You just...
You're probably right.
You're smart.
It's a smart idea.
You got beauty
and brains.
You guys fall in love,
and then have babies.
Beautiful babies
with blue eyes.
TGIF.
All right.
What's up, Denise?
- Hey, you don't like nachos?
- Mm-mm.
No no no. I do!
Nacho time for me!
My dossbag, my sack
The family bling-bling
When I'm jumpin'
up and down
On my trampoline
To the belly button
and a slap to the taint
Rushin' to my head,
I think I'm gonna faint...
- What's up?
- Where you been?
Thought I had a possibility.
My tires are stinky.
What?
That's a catchphrase,
somethin' I'm workin' on.
- How we lookin'?
- Shit, place is a hatchery. It's stupid.
- I wanna be an architect.
- Whoa, over there.
See it? Dress suit, sneakers.
Work hard, play hard.
I could go back to school, be an architect.
People like architects.
Dude, what
are you talkin' about?
You make really good
money at yourjob.
I just... I just...
I don't think insurance is,
like, all that interesting,
you know, as a lifestyle.
- Whoa.
- Caught 'em peekin'.
- You ready? Let's rock 'n' roll.
- Sweet.
Hey, so if they ask,
I'm gonna tell 'em I'm an architect.
Oh hey, tell 'em
I work with kids.
Hold these.
No no, seriously,
I used to get beat up
like twice a week
for having such thick eyelashes.
- Is that your card?
- Oh, no.
All the way to the seventh grade,
and that's when I decided
that's it, and I went
for my black belt.
Is that your card?
- No.
- No.
- That's so sad.
- Yeah.
- I'd kill for those.
- Well, now yeah, sure.
- Is that your card?
- Yes!
Oh my God,
that is incredible!
That's what we do.
Oh my God.
How'd you do that?
Come on.
Did you have that
in your mouth the whole time?
What is that?
Oh, it's my kitty cat.
Mmm, it is sparkly
and beautiful.
Thanks.
Are you
a cat person?
I love cats.
- Yeah?
- Meow.
- I love pussy...
- What?
...cats too.
Excuse me,
you want me to close out
your tab, sir?
Sir?
Somebody's dad show up?
Do you want me to put this
on your daddy's card?
- Uh...
no, you can
just close it out.
Awesome.
Fine.
Wow.
So what do you two do?
- We're architects.
- Cool.
Wow.
I love buildings.
Barry...
I'm married.
We could just
mess around here if you want.
Okay.
Who's the coolest guy
in the world?
His name is Barry
Barry Munday
The coolest dude
I know
Barry Munday
The coolest dude
I know
Know know
He's sweet
and he loves the ladies
'Cause he's
the baddest mofo
Of all time
'Cause he's a sweet,
sweet dude
And he knows
how to rock 'n' roll.
I don't know.
Thank you.
Hi.
Excuse me, sir.
Oh, sure.
Sir?
Okay.
- Can I help you?
- Yes, please.
Coffee.
No Duds.
That's my candy.
- I'll have a soda.
- Okay.
Dos.
It's ridiculous how much soda
costs these days, right?
Like, what do I buy,
soda or a sofa?
Yeah.
Well, it was nice
talkin' to you.
- You don't want to sit with me?
- Well, uh...
I guess.
I'm a down front
kind of guy.
No no no no.
Seven rows from the back,
and four in
from the left.
That's pretty
specific.
Yeah, it's sort of OCD,
but screw it.
I like what I like,
you know what I mean?
Yeah, I do.
I almost always,
after I click my lock
a couple times on my door...
So, Barry, what do you do?
Architecture.
Hmm.
Barry,
if I told you right now
that you would
never ever ever
get your hand
down my pants,
would you
still talk to me?
Talk about what?
Hey, uh...
What the hell's goin' on?
Dad, what are
you doing here?
Dad? Sir...
I do remember thinking
why would a dude
bring a trumpet into a movie theater?
Barry?
Barry, can you
tell us what happened?
We were talking
about architecture.
Barry, I'm sorry to be the one
to have to tell you,
but we couldn't
save them.
Save who?
Oh, Barry,
your testes.
Testicles.
We had to remove both.
We really tried
to save the left one,
but it was simply
too ruptured.
It seems that during
the accident with the...
- Uh, trumpet.
...trumpet.
What are you saying?
You're saying
I lost my what?
Amnesia.
- Did I lose my...
- Whoa.
...you know?
- Penis?
- No.
You really don't remember
what happened to you down there?
We were talking
about architecture.
Get out of there.
This is kinda like
when you had your tonsils out.
Well, kinda.
Alone...
On my own...
Oh honey,
that's binding.
I don't know nothin'...
Thanks, Mom.
Must be stupid
or somethin'...
About love.
I wore that
on Saturday night, right?
And I'm standing outside,
and all these guys
were like
looking at me,
and they're like,
"Best habitat ever."
Where have you been, mister?
- Lida, l...
- Relax.
I forgive you.
I guess I forgot to
mention my girlfriend Lida Griggs
was out of town
when the incident occurred.
It's a long story,
but we don't see each other
for sometimes weeks
or months at a time.
I need to borrow
your alarm clock.
Pretty sure we don't
really like each other.
Let's go, lover.
We're going to try something
new today, lover.
Lida, ah, why don't we
just watch a movie?
Shh.
- Lida, l...
- All tight?
Yeah.
But we should
talk first.
Why don't we start
by talking about...
this?
I found it in your car
when I was looking
for my lavender and
vanilla body souffl.
Lida, listen...
- Is it true?
- Um...
- Did you show her your penis?
- What?
- You whore!
- No, Lida...
- Did you let her play with this?
- Stop.
I had an accident.
Barry, I don't know
what all of this is,
but Peaches and I have no sympathy
for cheating assholes.
And if you think
the love I give you
is all fun
and games,
well...
you had better sleep
with one eye open, mister.
Can you untie me?
Come, Peaches.
Barry honey, it's Mom.
I picked up your hormone pills
at the pharmacy.
Honey?
Barry, I hope it's okay,
but I brought Janice with me
- from my Latin dance symposium.
- Hi, Barry.
Excuse me, Lonnie?
Talk to you later.
Hey, um...
I was wondering
if I could take a leave of absence.
Um, I had a...
with a...
and um...
just wonderin'
if I could take a few days off.
It's all I'm thinkin'...
just time to get, you know.
Basically,
I have some family issues.
Now, first of all Barry,
you're lying.
I've been in this business
for 40 years
and I can always
tell the difference.
You don't have
any family issues, do you?
Well, I have...
Well, you're just lazy.
You know, you sit
in your office
pretending to be
on the telephone,
shuffling papers all day,
and every hour or so
you get up and walk
around Lucy's desk
like a four-balled tomcat.
And what's worse,
you don't even care enough
to cover it up.
Also,
it's just my
opinion, but...
I don't think men
should wear makeup.
See you tomorrow,
Barry.
Okay.
You have one message.
- Yo, Mundo,
you know who it is.
Where the hell you been?
Shit, bro, listen,
you'll never guess
where I am right now.
Regional Air Guitar Semifinals.
So, I was thinkin',
if I make it onto the finals,
maybe you could use
a little ta-da,
we raise a glass
down at the Beaver Tree.
Titty bar bush, baby.
Be there,
or be a fuckin' tool.
Later!
- End of messages.
"Dear Mr. Munday,
I have been retained
to represent the interests
of Miss Ginger Farley.
Miss Farley believes
that you are the father
of her unborn child conceived
on or about February 11th.
I have been retained
to establish paternity,
and to obtain
a child support order
consistent with our state's
rules ofjudicial administration.
If you wish
to admit paternity,
I can draft
all necessary documents.
If you wish
to deny paternity,
I will seek an order
of the court for DNA testing.
Please contact me
within 10 days.
Sincerely, Newton Creech,
Attorney at Law."
Ginger Farley?
Who the fuck
is Ginger Farley?
Mr. Munday,
Newton Creech here.
Hi.
Yes sir, um,
well, I got
your letter.
Yes you did.
First off,
this Ginger Farley,
how does she know
that I'm the father of the baby?
I mean...
well, yeah,
how does she know?
That's an easy question.
According to Miss Farley,
she has had intercourse
one time
in her entire life...
with you, on February 11th
of this year.
It wasn't hard for her
to figure it out.
Wow. Okay.
Where did we meet,
me and Miss Farley?
Let's not
play games, Barry.
If you want to play games,
please, go hire a lawyer.
No, sir,
I'm not playing games.
I just...
Hey, just wanna make sure
the baby's mine, right?
Um, I mean, I'll take
a blood test voluntarily.
Do you really have
no recollection
of your sexual encounter
with Ginger Farley?
Because Mr. Munday,
I find that really hard to believe.
Ah, so...
could we meet,
Ginger Farley and I?
Maybe coffee, or pastry?
Wow. You know
what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna tell Ginger
you'd like to meet her somewhere
and she can call you.
How's that?
That'd be great.
Okay.
You know, Mr. Munday,
they say one man's burden
can be another man's happiness.
Thank you.
It's strange, I honestly can't explain
why it only occurred
to me just now,
I end with me.
No more Mundays.
I'm it, the very last.
That thought rose slowly
to the surface of my mind,
and on top
of everything else.
I guess it never seemed
important before.
Marriage?
No thank you.
Children?
They smell,
and grow up to hate you
and take your money.
Sure, I grew up
without a father.
Maybe that colored my outlook
on life, I don't know.
All I know is
I once had options.
My balls were great.
I was great.
I'm pretty sure
I was great.
Line 1, a Ginger Farley.
Good luck.
What does that mean?
Shee-ee...
Why'd you want
to meet me, Barry?
Ginger.
It's good to see you.
Is it?
Yes.
This is familiar.
This is where we met, Barry.
Right over there.
- You want to sit down?
- No.
Yeah.
So, how far along
are you?
Well, on February 11th,
a few moments
before midnight,
your little sperm army
stormed my pink beach.
So, you count the days.
Newton said you had
no memory of our sex.
He did?
What an asshole.
Right.
No, you...
you're an asshole.
Ginger, I don't
mean to offend,
but are you totally,
positivo sure
that the baby's mine?
You little shit-eater.
I am weak one night,
one night, and with
a shit-eater like you.
God knows why,
and now you want
to sit here
at Snatchers
and ask me crap?
Yes, Barry, I'm "positivo"
the baby is yours.
And you're not going to run away
from your responsibility.
Do you mind
if I touch it?
I don't know why I said that.
Touch what?
Your belly,
touch where the baby is.
Ooh!
I'll have Newton call you,
and he'll go over
the paternity test,
and the paternity
acknowledgement forms.
That is, if you decide
to sign them.
Goodbye, Barry.
- Goodbye.
- Asshole shit-eater.
It's great
seeing you again.
Night will follow day
Sure as the sun
and moon
Remember
I will always
Be with you
If I'm out of words to say
And I understand you
When you see
a darkness coming through...
- Remember to keep warm
- Take shelter from the storm...
- Newton Creech's office.
The night will not last
for much more
I wrote in a small note
"Put on your winter coat
A cold wind will blow
through your door"...
Hi.
Newton Creech, please.
Night will follow day...
- Why did you play this?
- Oh. What?
Oh, right, I'm supposed to believe
it's just a coincidence
that they're playing our song
right when I walk in?
Remember I will always
be with you...
What's this?
The paternity agreement forms.
All signed.
- You're not gonna take the...
- Yeah, I don't need to take a test.
Why not?
Because I know.
You know?
Yeah.
I feel it.
You feel it?
Yes.
I got you a drink.
It's virgin.
Very funny, Barry.
What do you want from me?
I don't kn...
nothing, I just...
What did you want
from me?
- Do you think I'm after money?
- No.
You don't think that if you were there
for the passion of our sex
that you should be accountable
and take responsibility
for this little miracle
that we made?
No, I'm saying I want to take
responsibility here.
- This isn't all my fault!
- Why are you yelling at me?
Shit-eater.
Ginger, I'm saying
I want to be a part of this,
like a real dad,
you know?
With dedication...
financially, spiritually, morally.
Look, I don't have
to be in your life.
You and I don't have
to be, you know...
ahh...
but for the baby,
I think we should be
friendly, friends.
Friends.
Cheers.
So, do we know
if it's a boy or a girl
from the x-ray?
We call that a sonogram,
and no, I haven't found out.
I don't want to know.
How's the drink?
It's awful.
This straw is ridiculous.
So, can I touch the baby?
Can I touch
your belly now?
Can I go to the doctor
with you?
Don't get
the wrong idea, Barry.
You're still a shit-eater.
Hey.
Green Insurance,
Barry Munday speaking.
Why don't you ask her if you
can have a squirt?
Ginger Farley?
Come on back.
Yeah.
So, don't ask me why,
but my parents want to meet you.
They want you to come
to dinner tomorrow night.
Oh.
It's stupid, so...
I mean, it's not my idea.
If you don't want to go,
I'll just tell them
that you don't want to go
and that'll be the end of it.
No, I'll go.
My parents won't like you.
Why not?
They just won't.
Knock-knock.
- Hi.
- Hey, Ginger, how're we feeling?
Well, my feet
are swollen,
I pee 2,000 times a day,
I haven't taken
a shit since Tuesday,
and my nipples
are like black.
Okay. Good, let's see here
what we have.
Oh, we have a possible
due date of December 10th.
Sweet.
Yeah.
So, you still thinking
of having the water birth at home?
- Yeah.
- What's a water birth at home?
I want to have the baby
submerged in water,
naturally,
and beautifully.
Do you mean like
in your tub?
Actually, we use a little wading pool
with warm water.
The midwife is in there
for natural childbirth.
I think it's great.
It's beautiful, and Dr. Shriver
thinks it's great.
Yeah, okay.
Um, Dr. Shriver,
I'm Barry Munday.
I'm the father.
I was... basically,
I was just hoping
I could ask a few questions,
if you don't mind.
Okay, ask away.
All right,
um, well,
will I be allowed
to participate in the birth?
I'd like to be there to help with
the baby when it comes out.
Absolutely. You and the midwife
will be side by side.
Just listen to her,
watch the videos,
and take the classes.
Okay, awesome.
Um, are there any foods
that Ginger shouldn't eat?
I read somewhere that pregnant women
shouldn't eat bleu cheese.
Are you retarded?
I never heard the one
about the bleu cheese.
I heard that
sometimes women poop,
like during the birth.
It's natural.
Um... oh!
I read online
that it was possible
for doctors to identiry patients
by their vaginas.
Did you hear that?
I was just curious.
Good luck to you, son.
- Yeah, it's not important.
- No.
Ginger,
I'll see you next week.
Okay, well,
I guess, uh...
So, tomorrow night.
For what?
Dinner
with my parents.
- Right.
- Jesus!
No...
it's awesome.
So, hey...
Good night, Barry.
That's cool.
I'm really tired.
Hi.
Okay.
This is our second child,
and while my wife knows
that she won't fit
into her old clothes,
she's still beautiful.
And it's my job to tell her
that she looks amazing
all the time.
Hi, beautiful.
Hi.
Which I try to do
as regularly as possible.
Hi.
You're early.
What?
Uh, I don't want you
to take this the wrong way,
but that dress
doesn't do you justice.
That's interesting,
Barry.
You didn't seem to have
a problem with this dress
the night you pulled it
off my body and had sex with me.
So, I've been
kickin' around some names.
The baby
already has a name.
What is it?
If it's a boy, Haywood.
- Haywood?
- Mm-hmm.
Haywood Munday?
- Don't be stupid.
- What?
The baby's last name
won't be Munday.
Why not?
Because we're not
married, idiot.
L-l...
but I'm the father.
- So?
- So...
Come on,
I mean, l...
I stepped up
to the responsibility.
One trip to my doctor
to ask him
about his other patients'
vaginas is not stepping up.
Yeah, but it's
our baby, right?
It's yours and mine,
right?
I mean I'm here,
Ginger. I'm the father.
Fine, fine!
Fine.
The baby won't have
a last name.
It'll just be Haywood.
No, that...
just Haywood?
I don't think you can do that
legally, can you?
Why not? Lots of famous people
in history only have one name.
Moses.
Cleopatra.
Calvin.
- Who's Calvin?
- Jesus.
So, if the baby
only gets one name,
why do you get
to decide?
Why?
'Cause this baby's
in me, not you.
Because every minute
I'm making a human being, not you.
And because my tits
feel like two ziplock bags
full of dried-up oatmeal.
Do yours?
I don't think
it's fair
to use my biological
disadvantages against me.
You know I'd switch places
with you if I could.
I would, seriously.
I go to work alone,
I sleep alone,
but you get to experience
a connection to this baby
I am completely
excluded from.
Just so you know, my parents think
that you put drugs in my drink
and had intercourse
with me while I was unconscious.
Honey, well...
This is for you.
Come with me, son.
- I want you to see a few of these trophies.
- Wonderful.
- Who's this?
- This is our youngest, Jennifer.
Any pictures of Ginger?
Yeah...
No.
She doesn't
like pictures.
Sit down, son.
So, Mr. Munday,
we've got ourselves a bit
of a situation here, don't we?
Yes, sir.
Um...
l... I'm not sure
what you've been told
concerning my actions.
Wait a minute.
Did you not tell my daughter
that you would accept
full responsibility for being
father of this baby, you shit-eater?
- Yes, um...
- Financially, morally?
- L...
- I'm sorry, but did you not say
that all these things
would be your actions, Mr. Munday?
I thought
you-you were...
Nah, that's... I thought
you were talking about...
About what? Talking about what?
What are you talking about?
Uh, nothing.
Nothing?
Mr. Munday,
Ginger is hardheaded,
and yes, unappreciative
at times
of her family's love,
but she is my daughter.
Remember that.
Yes sir.
Good.
Oh, pumpkin farm!
Dinner's ready.
I expect you'll be
looking forward
to continuing this
later on, Mr. Munday.
Yes sir.
So, you're Barry
the rapist.
Tell us about yourself, Barry.
This is the first time
Ginger has ever
brought a man home to meet us.
Our Jennifer brings
fellas home all the time.
But that's Jennifer.
I'm a slut.
You stop that.
She is not a slut.
She's graduating
from business school
and she plays
three instruments.
Jennifer is very
very special... ed.
Ow.
Personally, I think
this is nice for Ginger,
even though I don't approve of the way
the two of you did your business.
- Mom...
- I blame myself.
I tell her it's not natural
to be by herself all the time.
I've told her this
since she was 14,
"You need to put on makeup,
nice dresses,
show some pride,
like Jennifer."
Leave her alone, Mom.
Let's ask Barry.
You like makeup,
don't you?
- L...
- She does it for attention.
- I can't believe this.
- Calm down.
All I'm saying is,
it's great to have Barry here.
He gets that.
I think Ginger's beautiful.
And personally,
as the father,
I feel it's my role
to tell her she looks
amazing all the time,
which I try
to do regularly.
So, Barry, um, you were
telling my wife
about yourself.
Oh, well, not much
to tell, really.
I flirted with architecture
for a while.
I thought about getting
into triathlons,
or relay races.
Been in insurance...
about a year.
Um...
it's good.
It's really good.
- Where?
- It's on Moorpark.
Green Insurance.
Lonnie Green's
a great friend of mine.
I'll call him,
arrange to have lunch,
the three of us.
That would be great.
Get to know the new
father a little bit.
That sounds good.
Well...
we're gonna
have a baby.
That's wonderful.
Anyone like
a gin and tonic?
So, where'd
you two meet?
Snatchers.
I see.
I guess you knew Barry
before the operation.
I guess so.
So, Ginger,
mother to mother,
what is it that you want
for this baby?
Besides healthy?
I guess I just want
my child to feel
loved and appreciated,
even if it's 180 degrees
different from me.
I would be very proud
to have a gay child.
So, where are we having
this wonderful new addition?
St. Joseph's?
I'm having
a water birth at home.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, the doctor
thought it was a great idea.
And it's natural
and beautiful.
So...
Well, I'd like to do whatever
I can to help out.
You're gonna need
a baby bed, and bottles,
and lots and lots
of diapers.
That's great, Mom.
Thanks.
I appreciate it, but my baby
won't be wearing diapers.
I mean, why is it
we can teach a kitten
just a few months old
to use a sandbox,
but a child,
infinitely more intelligent,
walks around shitting in their pants
for two years?
Ginger read that.
This doctor... what's his name?
Plus, all the harmful
pathogens in human feces,
just smushed in there
in that hot incubator
of a diaper.
Ugh!
She comes from
a really nice family...
wealthy, nice house.
Her sister plays
three instruments.
Honey, I don't care
if she's a Kennedy.
A cat box?
She wants to train your baby
to use a cat box.
Can you imagine?
There she is!
Where is your bathroom?
Oh, go around
this corner
and through
the living room,
just on your right,
past the zebra.
A cat box.
You want to maybe
tell me about this operation
in case I get placed
in that situation again, "honey"?
Um...
I went to a matinee
a few months ago,
um... one second
I was watching a movie...
No!
...and six hours later
I woke up
in a hospital
where they had removed
my testicles.
What happened
in the matinee?
I wish I knew.
I actually have no memory
due to the trauma.
Are you serious?
Well, the doctor said
it may come back eventually,
um, maybe not,
but I hope so.
You have no testicles.
I don't know why
I never told you about...
about it before,
but with the baby,
you being pregnant
was a real miracle
in a lot of ways.
- Shut up.
- No, come on, I'm serious.
I don't know,
I just...
you came,
and there's
purpose now.
Direction.
- Morning, Hoss.
- Oh, hey.
- Free for lunch?
- Uh, sure.
Good, an old buddy of mine, Tom,
asked for you specifically.
- Tom...?
- Tom Farley.
Asked for my number one
shit-eater.
Aw, man, I'd love to get a piece
of that business.
How do you know Tom,
anyway?
I'm, uh... I'm friends
with his daughter.
- Ah, Tom!
- Ah, Lon! How're you doin'?
- Nice to see you, man!
- You look spectacular!
You've
lost weight, man.
You don't mind if my daughter
joins us, do you?
I was downtown shopping, so...
No no, not at all.
Nice to see you again.
You too.
Hi, Barry.
- Hi, Jennifer.
- Oh, I think our table's ready.
Thank God, I thought you were talking
about the other daughter.
- Menu, sir?
- Thank you.
Well, anyway,
I'm really glad
we were able to do this,
my old friend
and my...
uh...
Yeah, Barry
is quite a guy.
Yeah.
- So, what's good here?
- I'm a red sauce man, myself.
- Best in town.
- Oh!
Hey-yy...
Jen.
Hey, Barry.
The calamari gets good reviews.
Whitefish...
my favorite
are the chops.
- Specials somewhere.
- Ah.
Hi, lover.
So, this
your little kitty cat?
Oh no, Lida. Look, this is not
the time or the place...
Oof!
Gentlemen.
Ooh.
She's an old girlfriend.
Before Ginger.
A long time ago.
Ginger?
My other daughter.
So, I heard you had
an interesting lunch yesterday.
She's an old girlfriend.
She's crazy.
What old girlfriend?
They didn't...
I thought...
I'm kidding.
Of course they told me.
You're such an idiot.
Why do you
do that...
all the "idiot,
shit-eater" stuff all the time?
Oh, I'm sorry, Barry,
am I hurting
your feelings?
No, I mean, ahem...
I'm trying to be nice.
See, I can't win.
It's like you constantly
expect me
to disappoint you.
And why would I
expect that?
All right,
I'm an idiot shit-eater.
But for the record,
you should know
expectation
is nothing but planned
resentment.
Do you have that written
on a poster on the wall of your office?
No, it's a book,
a good book,
and I think it's true.
And if you want to carry that around
with you all the time,
hey, that's your bag.
But remember,
you called me.
And I'm here.
Whatever. It doesn't matter.
I don't blame you
for a goddamn thing.
Well, I want it
to matter.
I want you to like me.
Ginger, the doctor
will see you now.
Liking people
is easy, Barry.
Oh Mama,
I'm in fear for my life...
Hey, man, honestly,
thanks for comin'.
Of course.
You look great.
Like a red car wash.
I figured if I make it,
and keep goin' on,
then we could
keep partying,
then we'll take it down
to the Beaver Tree.
Yeah, strip joint.
You in?
The jig is up
the news is out
They've finally
found me...
Heavy Metal Greg is the shit!
Cups!
Whoo-oo!
Hey, by the way,
I'm gonna have a baby.
- A what?!
- Yeah, a baby!
No, no,
he just looks young.
- No...
- It's his song selection. That's the key.
Up!
Oh Mama,
I'm in fear for my life...
- Up!
- From the long arm of the law...
I can't believe you won!
Whoo!
The area finals!
- And beavers!
- Yeah!
Hey, Donald,
you know somethin'?
What?
I think you might be
my only friend.
- Gentlemen and gentlemen, please welcome...
- What?!
...the exotic and spectacular Dreamer.
- Nothin'.
Good talent tonight.
No, not Italian.
I think she's Spanish.
Exactly.
Here I go again
on my own...
Going down the only road
I've ever known...
Like a drifter
I was born to walk alone...
And I've made up
my mind...
Hey, Barry.
I ain't wastin'
no more time
But here I go again...
- Hey, hey!
- It's army style! Army style!
Why don't you give us
that sweet little pussy, baby?
Whoo!
Here I go...
Yeah!
Get off of her!
Hey, man! Hey!
Barry!
Hey, break it up!
Come here!
- You know who I am?!
- Knock it off!
Area finals!
Don't break it!
Don't break it!
Be cool, dude.
I'm just comin' for the trophy.
- What the hell, dude?
My night.
What?
Barry,
what are you doing here?
- What's that?
- What?
Nothing! Shut up!
What do you want?
No, uh, sorry, I just...
I just...
wanted to make sure
the baby was okay.
- Don't be stupid.
- I'm not being stupid.
I'm not being stupid.
The baby's fine.
I just...
Can I come in?
Go home, Barry.
It's 2:00
in the morning.
I know, I just...
Can I?
Fine, but I am not
sharing my bed with you.
I know.
I'll put some sheets
on the couch.
Come on along,
it's like a dream
And you can fall
into the feeling
That we never die...
All the while,
this baby
is gonna come through
the vagina,
big and strong.
Comin' through.
You're gonna find,
there's a little piece of mind...
Yeah, of course.
No, we've got it worked out.
Look, I wouldn't sell it if I didn't believe it
and that's the truth.
Yeah, we're gonna take care of Alex,
Andy and Sam.
Now if you ever
want to run
From everything
that you have become
Call on me,
I will be waiting
Run to my room...
Hey, Ginger, you know what?
I think we're going
to have a girl.
Great.
Oh, by the way,
I forgot,
Jennifer invited you
to her graduation.
This is when
the baby's due.
It's the week
of the due date.
The baby could come
at any minute.
I feel like it's gonna
kick a hole in my side
and crawl out
right now.
Can I feel it?
Are you scared?
Do you want me to go
to your sister's graduation?
If you want.
That's not
what I'm asking.
Let's not pretend
these people like me.
Are you afraid
of my family?
Yes, yes I am.
Each one of them...
individually,
and as a group.
Fine.
Yes, I would like you
to accompany me
to my sister's
graduation.
I needed you
To set me free
So I could learn
I needed freedom
to return...
I've been thinking a lot
about the name Cornelia.
Yes?
Well, you just have
to be careful with names,
um, basically, 'cause
children are cruel.
Yes.
And you got to know
they're gonna shorten the name.
They'll call her Corny.
She's a girl... that's
what she'll be called.
Do you like Corny?
Yes I do.
You know what the boys
in high school
are gonna call her?
What?
Horny Corny.
That's what boys
like you will call her, not everybody.
Maybe, but that'll
be her name.
Look, I'm not gonna mold my life,
or my child's life
around the actions of perverts
and degenerates.
I'm not afraid of the idiocy
of "Horny Corny"
because it rhymes,
or because it's dirty,
or because
people are too lazy
to pronounce
her real name, Cornelia.
And by the way,
the next time
you touch my tit
without permission
I will cut you
while you're sleeping.
Hello!
Oh, you must be Carol.
It's so nice to finally meet you.
Come in.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
Barry's always saying
what a nice family Ginger has.
- How sweet.
- Mrs. Munday.
- So nice to meet you at last.
- Oh, my pleasure.
- And it's Ms.
- Oh, Ms.
- Hi!
- Pumpkin farm!
And this is our youngest,
Jenny.
This is Carol,
Barry's mother.
Hi, Jennifer.
Congratulations.
- Thanks!
- Hey, Jennifer.
Nice to
see you again.
Well, nice to see you
as well, Barry. Nice suit.
Thank you.
Hi, Barry.
Hi, Ms. Munday.
Hi, sweetie.
- Hey.
- Hi. Hello.
Well, shall we go through
and have a little lunch?
- Yes.
- Ms. Munday, may I?
You look nice.
You're wearing a suit.
- You want another piece?
Not yet.
- It's kind of gross.
- It's going good.
They can hear you.
- What?
- They can hear you.
- Father Walsh?
- Mm-hmm?
Did you hear
about Barry's accident?
Um, no, I don't think
I have.
Jennifer, I don't think
this is the time.
It's okay,
right, Barry?
See, Barry was
at a matinee,
and some whacko
just attacked him.
- Attacked him?
- It was awful.
Okay, Jen,
I don't think
we want to bring up
personal stuff,
now do we?
- Jen.
- Oh, phtt-tt!
Anyway, somebody just
comes into the theater
and... right
into his...
...you know,
his balls.
And they never caught
the guy, but...
personally,
I think Barry was
makin' time with
another fella's lady.
Okay, Jen.
I'd stop now or you-know-what
will be revealed.
And you don't
want that, do ya?
Or scammin' on some little girl
and Daddy caught him.
Pervert.
All right, check it!
on a Saturday night,
I saw Jennifer
as the featured dancer
at a nudie club
called the Beaver Tree.
Ha!
Sorry to be the one
to tell you all.
I know it's
embarrassing for you.
It was embarrassing for me
to see her on stage.
Believe me.
- Barry...
- Father Walsh.
- Barry...
- She just... she pushed me.
I couldn't help it.
Shame on you.
- Barry...
- It was Whitesnake.
- Barry...
- Here I go again on my own...
Barry,
last Saturday night,
Mr. And Mrs. Farley
and their two daughters
were at my house
to discuss Ginger's
pregnancy.
Till at least 10:00.
Here I go...
Sweet little pussy, baby!
For the record, sir,
I had never been
to the Beaver Tree
This cake's
delicious.
Thank you.
- Oh my God!
- What?!
My water broke.
- Are you serious?
- Are you sure?
- Call Janice.
- Who's Janice?
- The midwife, you idiot!
- The midwife, Barry!
Watch your step!
Watch your step!
- Barry, there's no room for you!
- You're yelling in my head!
- What?
- No room!
You and your mother
take Father Walsh.
Son, son, this way!
Get the camera.
Get the camera, hon.
Here's a good shot
right here. Beautiful.
Talk to your baby,
Ginger.
- Sandwich? Popcorn?
- I'm okay.
Okay, Daddy, why don't you
come and be a part of this?
- Uh...
- Talk to your baby, Barry.
- Okay. Um, hi baby.
Uh, I'm Barry Munday.
- I wish you all the best...
today comin' out
of your mom's vagina.
Here we go!
Time for the baby!
Breathe, breathe.
Come on, come on!
You can
do it, baby!
- Why don't you step into the tub?
- I'm wearing a suit.
Well, you can strip down
to your undies if you wish.
I'm not wearing
any underwear.
- Oh, Barry.
- Barry, will you just get in the G-D tub!
Yes sir.
Oh! Agh-hh!
Yep, no recollection
of that place whatsoever.
Oh, wait,
I forgot something!
- Push.
Okay, mirror. Carol,
could you give me the mirror?
Great. Let me see
if that's right.
What the hell
is this?
It's whales
in the ocean.
Uh, it's supposed
to be soothing.
- Right?
What?
What are you saying?!
- I can't hear you!
- Just reach down. Just reach down.
Turn off
the fucking whales!
- Oh, I got it!
- Happy thoughts.
- That's it.
- You can do it, Ginger!
- I can't do any more!
Reach down,
reach down.
When I was young
and pushed around
And beaten up
and beaten down
Who'd I run to, Mama?
Tell me, who?
And as I grew
to be a man
And all the world
held such lan
I did what I thought
I just had to do
It was you, Mama, you,
it was you all along
It was you I ran away from,
I was wrong
Now reach down...
If I could,
I'd change my life
I swear to God
I'd cut it out with a knife...
Oh, God!
Oh, God!
Oh, God! No way!
Say hello to your little girl.
It's a girl.
Just follow the baby.
You can never go wrong.
Oh, you were right.
You were right.
She's beautiful.
- Wanna hold her?
- Yeah.
I got her. I got her.
I got her.
Okay.
Christmas.
How's she doin'?
I just came in here to...
Ginger was watchin' some videos.
I just wanted
to turn it off.
Thanks for
stayin' the night.
I know you had
your graduation.
Oh, it's just
a sheet of paper.
Yeah, well, Ginger appreciates it,
so congratulations.
You know, we've never had
much time alone together, Barry.
- Why are you doing this?
- Does it still work?
- What are you doing?
- Relax, I'm a professional, remember?
I knew it. Stop!
I knew it.
That was you
at the Beaver Tree.
What is it? Is it that
you just don't like me?
- Or are you jealous?
- No, please.
Of you?
I don't know.
Ginger?
Is it really
that boring being
everybody's favorite
all the time?
What are you two doing up?
Look who I found
in here watching boobs.
Pervert.
Ugh.
I'm gonna
go to bed.
Okay, get a little...
a little drink of water.
Vroom, vroom-vroom.
Sweet girl.
Right there.
It's broken.
I see.
Oh, well.
You a daddy?
Yeah.
Fantastic.
Let's see
the little bugger.
Okay.
Now look at that...
half-Asian.
Uh, excuse me?
Your baby.
Oriental, right?
Uh, I don't think so.
Been in this park
over 30 years,
seen every baby
from red to blue to Tyler too.
Eyes, hue of skin...
nothing like
Japanese skin.
Damn soft, too.
Velvet.
Mm-mm-mm...
Hey, man,
can I help you?
Sorry.
What?
Sorry.
Why are you sorry?
- Sorry.
- Why are you s...
Mom, do you think
Cornelia looks like me?
Yes, I do.
Does she look
like my father?
No.
Neither do you.
I thought he was
an ugly man.
Why are you asking?
I don't know.
Where'd he come from?
Your father came from
a place very far away,
and he should've
stayed there.
He left behind the only part
of him worth knowing... you.
Does my baby
look Asian to you?
This isn't about
Cornelia, is it?
- This is about your testes.
- What?
It's natural
after a loss like this
to question,
"Is it real?
Did I actually make
this little creature?"
Questions are healthy.
I think that's the main reason
you had the paternity test.
Barry, God has
his ways, kiddo.
She is beautiful,
isn't she?
She's a Munday.
Cornelia...
something-Munday.
Just Cornelia.
No middle name?
No middle name, no last name.
Just Cornelia.
You have to have a last name.
That's illegal, isn't it?
What about Jesus,
Madonna, or Calvin?
Who's Calvin?
I don't know.
- What are you doing?
- Nothin'.
Fine.
Listen, Cornelia's sleeping,
but you're gonna have to feed her soon.
Where are your glasses?
I got contacts
a month ago.
You haven't noticed?
Would you notice
if I had no head?
Probably.
See those guy's plants across the hall?
They're pretty sweet.
My mom's number
is on the fridge.
Are you sure
you can handle this?
Oh yeah.
We'll be fine.
I got beer.
Are you okay?
I'm awesome.
Ugh.
Br-rr-rr.
Br-rr-rr.
- Hello?
- Barry, it's Mom. Could you come over?
Uh, now?
Just for an hour or so.
This damn disposal.
Uh, I'm watching
Cornelia, Mom.
Bring her. She should be visiting
her grandmother, you know.
- Hello.
- Barry, hi.
I'm Dr. Preston Edwards.
Please, don't be alarmed.
Your mother's concerned.
She loves you very much.
I thought
you had a bad disposal.
Barry, listen
to Dr. Edwards.
Oh!
Adorable.
Barry, our group
provides support
to help us understand
what has happened to us.
Boys? Each of the men
in this room has suffered
some kind of genital
mutilation or deformity.
You're not alone.
Hi, I'm Jerry Sherman.
When I was
Now the end pokes out
like a little snappy turtle.
And yes,
I do urinate sitting down.
But you know what?
My testicles are intact.
So, I'd say
my glass is half full.
Well done, Jerry.
My name's
Kyle Pennington.
I'm 37. I have a master's
degree in education.
My penis
is 16 inches long.
It's thin like a rope,
and my testicles
are the size of peanuts.
I suffer from a rare
genetic disorder
called Glassroth Syndrome.
I'm the founder of the group.
Thank you, Kyle.
If you're laughing
out of nervousness
or embarrassment,
that's understandable.
But there is nothing funny
about Kyle's condition.
I'm sorry, Kyle.
Ahem...
My name is Maury...
Maury Knox.
Maury is a new member.
He prefers to speak
with his back to the group.
I, um... actually, I have
no genitalia at all.
My private spot is
a smooth hairless patch.
And I pee out of my a-anus.
This is my
second meeting.
Thank you, Maury.
Barry, I know this
must seem strange to you.
No.
No, it's totally...
it's cool.
Came over with my baby
to my mom's house
to help fix her disposal,
and I find five dudes
sitting in my living room
waiting to tell me stories
about their dicks.
It's perfectly normal.
Okay.
Can I ask you a question,
Dr. Edwards?
You ever find people
who figure out their own problems
without the help
of a support group?
Well, I have
patients who have
believed that
they have self-healed,
only to have their problems resurface
in acts of violence,
- estrangements, sexual confusion...
- Served it, sister.
Okay. Well hey,
I'm not violent,
estranged or sexually confused,
so maybe I'm cured.
Ha, no one is
ever really cured.
That's nice, Doctor,
but my balls are gone.
And I don't think
your group discussions
will help
bring them back.
I don't even know
if I want the damn things.
The only good they ever did was
help make Cornelia
and I don't even know
if they can honestly take credit for that.
Thank you.
Mini-breakthrough.
You really should
join our group.
It's Thursday nights
at 7:00.
Jerry, are you
on refreshments this week?
- I'm makin' puff pastry, Doc.
- Good times.
Tell you what, why don't I just call you
when I'm feeling violent,
estranged, or...
Sexually
confused?
- Barry?
- Yes, Preston.
All right. Fellas?
Bye.
Oh, here's the one
I was looking for.
This is Christmas.
You were four, I think.
Ah yes.
I was fat.
Look it, look it,
look it, look it.
Oh look.
Yeah, see, she's got your eyes.
She's got your nose.
She's got your toes.
Look!
Who has
anyone's toes?
Oh, you were
such a good baby.
You were always smiling
about something.
Look at this.
I never could figure out
what was so funny,
but you were always
smilin' about something or other.
You know, it never
bothered you that we were poor.
It never bothered you
that we were alone.
I worried about you
so much
I really don't think you missed him
until you were older.
Hmm.
You know,
until you...
needed to ask questions
about...
you know,
being a man.
There wasn't
anybody there to ask.
Life goes in circles,
you know.
Ginger's
a good mother, Barry.
I want you to take care
of that baby.
Did he know
you were pregnant when he left?
Barry, if I tell you
he knew,
you'll make
yourself crazy
wondering why he left.
If I say he didn't...
I just want
to know.
I just want to know
who I am.
Yeah.
Leaving behind a sperm
doesn't make you a father.
Or a man...
any more than one brick
makes a house.
I know that.
You've built
your own house now.
It's there,
the circles.
Before
you had Cornelia,
did you know there was love like this
in the whole wide world?
Mm-um.
Another guy said
he pees out of his anus.
Now that's
just bragging.
Sometimes
you remind me
of Joey from
the first season of "Friends."
Was he awesome?
No.
I mean, kind of.
I liked it.
I liked him on that.
He was funny.
Were you really a virgin
before our sex?
Did you think
I was lying to you?
You don't remember
that night at all?
That sucks.
Hey, why me?
I mean, that night,
why... why with...
with me?
M-most of my life,
I think, you know,
people never really
paid much
attention to me.
They kinda
just forgot about me.
I mean, they would think
like, "What's the point?"
Or they would just look at me and think,
"Why bother?" You know?
And people
I work with,
my family,
and, um, so...
I don't know, I found
kind of a safety in that...
like, that there was
no judgment then.
No overt judgment.
You mean, you...
you dress like this
on purpose, and you know.
Well, I don't expect you
to understand it,
but there is
kind of a...
a power
in being...
undesirable.
But then I almost got
in this car accident that day...
the day of the night...
and this guy yelled
out his window...
Watch where you're going,
you ugly bitch!
And, um, and it just
took it all away,
just that one sentence.
And I just felt really...
like an ugly bitch.
So, that night...
- Night will follow day...
I just really needed
to feel desirable.
Well, I'm glad he called you
an ugly bitch.
Thanks, Barry.
Can you still...?
Oh, yeah, the doctor said I can...
have what's called
a "dry orgasm."
- Oh, gross.
- Yeah, it's gross.
Ginger, this is
the first time l...
When I'm ready
When I'm able...
I cut the night
and grease the sky
You said that you were
tired of feeling down
It's a story...
What's that?
Oh, I got it
in college.
- It's dumb.
- Naw.
I thought
it would cheer me up.
You never thought
your feet would touch the ground...
I just want
to break the ice
Can't we still
meet up tonight?
We jumped so low,
we fell so high...
Oh, Debbie
When will you
make up your mind?
No one said
that love is kind
We had a laugh,
we had a cry...
- I did it!
- Almost!
- She's mine!
- Yes!
- Is it mine?
- Yes! Yours!
Mine!
Cornelia!
I didn't mean it like...
I just said it 'cause...
Who says their baby's
name during sex?
I was happy.
Yeah, we could still...
Another time, Barry.
Hey.
What's this?
A little appreciation.
I just talked to Tom Farley
this morning.
He wanted you
to handle it personally.
Oh.
Yes. Thank you.
Oh, by the way,
I need you to stay late tonight.
Martin Lefleur
is supposed to call
around about
I need you to walk him through
the proposal. Cool?
Sure. Yeah.
Cool.
Hello?
Ginger?
What the hell?
Surprise!
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday, Barry.
Your mom and I wanted to organize
something special for you.
- Are you surprised?
- Yeah, I forgot it was my birthday.
- Happy birthday, bro.
- Hey, man!
Got you
a little somethin'.
Your mom said
it's the good stuff,
so I went ahead
and had a little sip.
Yes, you did.
Dr. Habib.
- Hey, Barry, how are you?
- I'm doing great.
How's it all feelin' down there?
Everything workin'?
- Yeah, it's workin'.
- Really?
- Only kidding, Barry. Happy birthday!
- Hey, thanks.
I can't believe you fell for that
late-phone-call trick.
- What?
- I mean, come on, Martin Lefleur?
That son of a bitch
never calls.
Happy birthday, Barry.
Happy birthday!
Thanks.
Could believe, do...
And share in what was true, I said...
Hey, sexy.
No.
You know, I thought a lot
about what you said.
And you're right.
Which part?
I was bored
and jealous.
Not that you're not
a sexy man, Barry.
Come on, that was you at the Beaver Tree.
Come on, wasn't it?
Just say it.
Nobody'll believe me anyway.
Happy birthday, pervert.
- You want a lime?
- No.
- Cubes for your wine?
- No thanks.
When I, you
And everyone we knew
Could believe, do
And share in what was true,
I said...
Dance hall days, love
Dance hall days, love
Dance hall days
Dance hall days, love
- Happy birthday.
- Dance hall days
Dude, you know Dreamer
from the Beaver Tree?
And you need her
and she needs you
And you need her...
I impregnated one of
the last random women I conquered
before my testicles vanished
from the face of this earth.
I never stopped
to consider
whether she would be
a good mother for my child,
or even whether I'd be able
to sit in the same room
with the woman
after the sex act was complete.
And yet somehow,
through this disconnected
senselessness,
I set in motion
a chain reaction of happiness.
Now it's hard
for me to believe
I never would've
chosen this life.
And I sometimes think
of the days
I was buried in my cave,
feeling sorry for myself,
letting my hand
drift between my legs
to make sure
I wasn't dreaming.
But I also remember getting that letter
from Newton Creech
and reading
every word twice.
Before I could even
think about it,
before I could even
poison the reaction,
I was overjoyed...
overjoyed at the idea
of a new life,
part of me
somewhere in the world,
waiting on the verge
of possibility.
- Barry, there you go.
- Thanks, sir.
I guess one man's burden
can really be
another man's happiness.
Let's go. Oh!
- Sorry, sir.
- Oh, no problem.
Of course I still think
it would be pretty rad
to be an architect.
Or a triathlete.
Or a yoga instructor.
Can you tell me,
I want to believe
That you want to be with me
forever
I need to know
that you won't ever leave
And you won't run away
from me never
I've been waiting
for a long time
For the one
who would be mine
I think it's time
Everything's all right
The way
that you believe in me
It takes me
through the night
I fall beside you
softly singing
That I've been waiting
for a long time
For the one
who would be mine
I think it's time
In the morning,
I see what you mean
'Cause I don't want
to make it without you
You've got me dreaming,
and after you leave
When you're gone
I'm still thinking about you
I've been waiting
for a long time
For the one
who would be mine
I think it's time
I think everything's
all right
The way that you
believe in me
And it takes me
through the night
I fall beside you
softly singing
Na na-na na-na
Tomorrow
is another morning
Na na-na na-na
Tomorrow
is another morning
If you say
you will be mine
I think it's time
I think it's time...
It's time. It's time!
I like to make it
With my baby
every night
Everything's all right
Every morning
when I wake
I fall into your eyes
I want to go
I believe
we're gonna make it
Na na-na na-na
Tomorrow
is another morning
Na na-na na-na
Tomorrow
is another morning
If you're alone tonight
Believe me,
I've been waiting for you
Everything's all right
Yeah!
Who's the coolest guy
in the world?
His name is Barry
Barry the man
Who's the baddest dude
of all time?
I just said Barry
Can't you understand?
That he's fighting
his way to the top
Defining the cream
of the crop
And he won't stop
'Cause he's Barry
Barry the man
It's necessary
He do what he can
Gonna do what he can
When somebody's life's
on the line
You just call Barry
He'll lend a hand
You maybe doin' just fine
I'd still call Barry
He's a charming man
And he's fighting
his way to the top
Defining the cream
of the crop
And he won't stop
'Cause he's Barry
Barry the man
It's necessary
He do what he can
Gonna do what he can,
oh-oh...
He's now finding a way
Barry is here to stay
And he's fighting
his way to the top
Defining the cream
of the crop
And he won't stop
'Cause he's Barry
Barry the man
It's necessary
He do what he can
'Cause he's Barry
Barry the man
It's necessary
He do what he can
Go Barry, go Barry
'Cause he's Barry
Barry the man.
are on my lips
And no one's pressed
against my hips
Bad beat poet
late at night
The city gets bright,
I can't see
The neon lights
don't work on me
I am no watcher
in the fight
Charlie says
Nobody's got
A strange
and hidden power and
No one is really
beautiful
They're all just
Mediocre men of the hour
Mediocre models
of the hour
Mediocre men
You take me places
and you make cool faces
When our sex erases
The lonely past
And you found me
when I was first
And 10 against 11 men
Who could kick my ass
But anyway
It's probably
Gonna pass.
Barry, are you awake?
Honey, just relax.
Doctor says everything's
gonna be just fine.
Until that day,
I couldn't imagine living
for anything other than women.
You see,
there's a moment that exists
at the edge
of sexual success
for which
there is no equal...
the addictive seconds
just after uncertainty
and immediately preceding
touching the gold.
It's Christmas.
It's with this
in mind
that I relate
the events leading to
the involuntary removal
of my testicles.
- Yep. Mm-hmm.
Yeah. No, that's
gonna be great.
We can do that.
I don't know how you do it, Lucy.
Do what?
Look like a model.
A supermodel, actually.
A super-duper model.
Hey, I don't know what
you got goin' on later,
but I was thinkin'
of hittin' the happy hour
over at Chili's.
Got a workout partner...
I don't date people
at my workplace.
Who said date?
TGIF.
Maybe not...
maybe not Chili's.
Everpea has got
this really rad nacho bar.
Why don't you
date people at your work?
I just don't.
You just...
You're probably right.
You're smart.
It's a smart idea.
You got beauty
and brains.
You guys fall in love,
and then have babies.
Beautiful babies
with blue eyes.
TGIF.
All right.
What's up, Denise?
- Hey, you don't like nachos?
- Mm-mm.
No no no. I do!
Nacho time for me!
My dossbag, my sack
The family bling-bling
When I'm jumpin'
up and down
On my trampoline
To the belly button
and a slap to the taint
Rushin' to my head,
I think I'm gonna faint...
- What's up?
- Where you been?
Thought I had a possibility.
My tires are stinky.
What?
That's a catchphrase,
somethin' I'm workin' on.
- How we lookin'?
- Shit, place is a hatchery. It's stupid.
- I wanna be an architect.
- Whoa, over there.
See it? Dress suit, sneakers.
Work hard, play hard.
I could go back to school, be an architect.
People like architects.
Dude, what
are you talkin' about?
You make really good
money at yourjob.
I just... I just...
I don't think insurance is,
like, all that interesting,
you know, as a lifestyle.
- Whoa.
- Caught 'em peekin'.
- You ready? Let's rock 'n' roll.
- Sweet.
Hey, so if they ask,
I'm gonna tell 'em I'm an architect.
Oh hey, tell 'em
I work with kids.
Hold these.
No no, seriously,
I used to get beat up
like twice a week
for having such thick eyelashes.
- Is that your card?
- Oh, no.
All the way to the seventh grade,
and that's when I decided
that's it, and I went
for my black belt.
Is that your card?
- No.
- No.
- That's so sad.
- Yeah.
- I'd kill for those.
- Well, now yeah, sure.
- Is that your card?
- Yes!
Oh my God,
that is incredible!
That's what we do.
Oh my God.
How'd you do that?
Come on.
Did you have that
in your mouth the whole time?
What is that?
Oh, it's my kitty cat.
Mmm, it is sparkly
and beautiful.
Thanks.
Are you
a cat person?
I love cats.
- Yeah?
- Meow.
- I love pussy...
- What?
...cats too.
Excuse me,
you want me to close out
your tab, sir?
Sir?
Somebody's dad show up?
Do you want me to put this
on your daddy's card?
- Uh...
no, you can
just close it out.
Awesome.
Fine.
Wow.
So what do you two do?
- We're architects.
- Cool.
Wow.
I love buildings.
Barry...
I'm married.
We could just
mess around here if you want.
Okay.
Who's the coolest guy
in the world?
His name is Barry
Barry Munday
The coolest dude
I know
Barry Munday
The coolest dude
I know
Know know
He's sweet
and he loves the ladies
'Cause he's
the baddest mofo
Of all time
'Cause he's a sweet,
sweet dude
And he knows
how to rock 'n' roll.
I don't know.
Thank you.
Hi.
Excuse me, sir.
Oh, sure.
Sir?
Okay.
- Can I help you?
- Yes, please.
Coffee.
No Duds.
That's my candy.
- I'll have a soda.
- Okay.
Dos.
It's ridiculous how much soda
costs these days, right?
Like, what do I buy,
soda or a sofa?
Yeah.
Well, it was nice
talkin' to you.
- You don't want to sit with me?
- Well, uh...
I guess.
I'm a down front
kind of guy.
No no no no.
Seven rows from the back,
and four in
from the left.
That's pretty
specific.
Yeah, it's sort of OCD,
but screw it.
I like what I like,
you know what I mean?
Yeah, I do.
I almost always,
after I click my lock
a couple times on my door...
So, Barry, what do you do?
Architecture.
Hmm.
Barry,
if I told you right now
that you would
never ever ever
get your hand
down my pants,
would you
still talk to me?
Talk about what?
Hey, uh...
What the hell's goin' on?
Dad, what are
you doing here?
Dad? Sir...
I do remember thinking
why would a dude
bring a trumpet into a movie theater?
Barry?
Barry, can you
tell us what happened?
We were talking
about architecture.
Barry, I'm sorry to be the one
to have to tell you,
but we couldn't
save them.
Save who?
Oh, Barry,
your testes.
Testicles.
We had to remove both.
We really tried
to save the left one,
but it was simply
too ruptured.
It seems that during
the accident with the...
- Uh, trumpet.
...trumpet.
What are you saying?
You're saying
I lost my what?
Amnesia.
- Did I lose my...
- Whoa.
...you know?
- Penis?
- No.
You really don't remember
what happened to you down there?
We were talking
about architecture.
Get out of there.
This is kinda like
when you had your tonsils out.
Well, kinda.
Alone...
On my own...
Oh honey,
that's binding.
I don't know nothin'...
Thanks, Mom.
Must be stupid
or somethin'...
About love.
I wore that
on Saturday night, right?
And I'm standing outside,
and all these guys
were like
looking at me,
and they're like,
"Best habitat ever."
Where have you been, mister?
- Lida, l...
- Relax.
I forgive you.
I guess I forgot to
mention my girlfriend Lida Griggs
was out of town
when the incident occurred.
It's a long story,
but we don't see each other
for sometimes weeks
or months at a time.
I need to borrow
your alarm clock.
Pretty sure we don't
really like each other.
Let's go, lover.
We're going to try something
new today, lover.
Lida, ah, why don't we
just watch a movie?
Shh.
- Lida, l...
- All tight?
Yeah.
But we should
talk first.
Why don't we start
by talking about...
this?
I found it in your car
when I was looking
for my lavender and
vanilla body souffl.
Lida, listen...
- Is it true?
- Um...
- Did you show her your penis?
- What?
- You whore!
- No, Lida...
- Did you let her play with this?
- Stop.
I had an accident.
Barry, I don't know
what all of this is,
but Peaches and I have no sympathy
for cheating assholes.
And if you think
the love I give you
is all fun
and games,
well...
you had better sleep
with one eye open, mister.
Can you untie me?
Come, Peaches.
Barry honey, it's Mom.
I picked up your hormone pills
at the pharmacy.
Honey?
Barry, I hope it's okay,
but I brought Janice with me
- from my Latin dance symposium.
- Hi, Barry.
Excuse me, Lonnie?
Talk to you later.
Hey, um...
I was wondering
if I could take a leave of absence.
Um, I had a...
with a...
and um...
just wonderin'
if I could take a few days off.
It's all I'm thinkin'...
just time to get, you know.
Basically,
I have some family issues.
Now, first of all Barry,
you're lying.
I've been in this business
for 40 years
and I can always
tell the difference.
You don't have
any family issues, do you?
Well, I have...
Well, you're just lazy.
You know, you sit
in your office
pretending to be
on the telephone,
shuffling papers all day,
and every hour or so
you get up and walk
around Lucy's desk
like a four-balled tomcat.
And what's worse,
you don't even care enough
to cover it up.
Also,
it's just my
opinion, but...
I don't think men
should wear makeup.
See you tomorrow,
Barry.
Okay.
You have one message.
- Yo, Mundo,
you know who it is.
Where the hell you been?
Shit, bro, listen,
you'll never guess
where I am right now.
Regional Air Guitar Semifinals.
So, I was thinkin',
if I make it onto the finals,
maybe you could use
a little ta-da,
we raise a glass
down at the Beaver Tree.
Titty bar bush, baby.
Be there,
or be a fuckin' tool.
Later!
- End of messages.
"Dear Mr. Munday,
I have been retained
to represent the interests
of Miss Ginger Farley.
Miss Farley believes
that you are the father
of her unborn child conceived
on or about February 11th.
I have been retained
to establish paternity,
and to obtain
a child support order
consistent with our state's
rules ofjudicial administration.
If you wish
to admit paternity,
I can draft
all necessary documents.
If you wish
to deny paternity,
I will seek an order
of the court for DNA testing.
Please contact me
within 10 days.
Sincerely, Newton Creech,
Attorney at Law."
Ginger Farley?
Who the fuck
is Ginger Farley?
Mr. Munday,
Newton Creech here.
Hi.
Yes sir, um,
well, I got
your letter.
Yes you did.
First off,
this Ginger Farley,
how does she know
that I'm the father of the baby?
I mean...
well, yeah,
how does she know?
That's an easy question.
According to Miss Farley,
she has had intercourse
one time
in her entire life...
with you, on February 11th
of this year.
It wasn't hard for her
to figure it out.
Wow. Okay.
Where did we meet,
me and Miss Farley?
Let's not
play games, Barry.
If you want to play games,
please, go hire a lawyer.
No, sir,
I'm not playing games.
I just...
Hey, just wanna make sure
the baby's mine, right?
Um, I mean, I'll take
a blood test voluntarily.
Do you really have
no recollection
of your sexual encounter
with Ginger Farley?
Because Mr. Munday,
I find that really hard to believe.
Ah, so...
could we meet,
Ginger Farley and I?
Maybe coffee, or pastry?
Wow. You know
what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna tell Ginger
you'd like to meet her somewhere
and she can call you.
How's that?
That'd be great.
Okay.
You know, Mr. Munday,
they say one man's burden
can be another man's happiness.
Thank you.
It's strange, I honestly can't explain
why it only occurred
to me just now,
I end with me.
No more Mundays.
I'm it, the very last.
That thought rose slowly
to the surface of my mind,
and on top
of everything else.
I guess it never seemed
important before.
Marriage?
No thank you.
Children?
They smell,
and grow up to hate you
and take your money.
Sure, I grew up
without a father.
Maybe that colored my outlook
on life, I don't know.
All I know is
I once had options.
My balls were great.
I was great.
I'm pretty sure
I was great.
Line 1, a Ginger Farley.
Good luck.
What does that mean?
Shee-ee...
Why'd you want
to meet me, Barry?
Ginger.
It's good to see you.
Is it?
Yes.
This is familiar.
This is where we met, Barry.
Right over there.
- You want to sit down?
- No.
Yeah.
So, how far along
are you?
Well, on February 11th,
a few moments
before midnight,
your little sperm army
stormed my pink beach.
So, you count the days.
Newton said you had
no memory of our sex.
He did?
What an asshole.
Right.
No, you...
you're an asshole.
Ginger, I don't
mean to offend,
but are you totally,
positivo sure
that the baby's mine?
You little shit-eater.
I am weak one night,
one night, and with
a shit-eater like you.
God knows why,
and now you want
to sit here
at Snatchers
and ask me crap?
Yes, Barry, I'm "positivo"
the baby is yours.
And you're not going to run away
from your responsibility.
Do you mind
if I touch it?
I don't know why I said that.
Touch what?
Your belly,
touch where the baby is.
Ooh!
I'll have Newton call you,
and he'll go over
the paternity test,
and the paternity
acknowledgement forms.
That is, if you decide
to sign them.
Goodbye, Barry.
- Goodbye.
- Asshole shit-eater.
It's great
seeing you again.
Night will follow day
Sure as the sun
and moon
Remember
I will always
Be with you
If I'm out of words to say
And I understand you
When you see
a darkness coming through...
- Remember to keep warm
- Take shelter from the storm...
- Newton Creech's office.
The night will not last
for much more
I wrote in a small note
"Put on your winter coat
A cold wind will blow
through your door"...
Hi.
Newton Creech, please.
Night will follow day...
- Why did you play this?
- Oh. What?
Oh, right, I'm supposed to believe
it's just a coincidence
that they're playing our song
right when I walk in?
Remember I will always
be with you...
What's this?
The paternity agreement forms.
All signed.
- You're not gonna take the...
- Yeah, I don't need to take a test.
Why not?
Because I know.
You know?
Yeah.
I feel it.
You feel it?
Yes.
I got you a drink.
It's virgin.
Very funny, Barry.
What do you want from me?
I don't kn...
nothing, I just...
What did you want
from me?
- Do you think I'm after money?
- No.
You don't think that if you were there
for the passion of our sex
that you should be accountable
and take responsibility
for this little miracle
that we made?
No, I'm saying I want to take
responsibility here.
- This isn't all my fault!
- Why are you yelling at me?
Shit-eater.
Ginger, I'm saying
I want to be a part of this,
like a real dad,
you know?
With dedication...
financially, spiritually, morally.
Look, I don't have
to be in your life.
You and I don't have
to be, you know...
ahh...
but for the baby,
I think we should be
friendly, friends.
Friends.
Cheers.
So, do we know
if it's a boy or a girl
from the x-ray?
We call that a sonogram,
and no, I haven't found out.
I don't want to know.
How's the drink?
It's awful.
This straw is ridiculous.
So, can I touch the baby?
Can I touch
your belly now?
Can I go to the doctor
with you?
Don't get
the wrong idea, Barry.
You're still a shit-eater.
Hey.
Green Insurance,
Barry Munday speaking.
Why don't you ask her if you
can have a squirt?
Ginger Farley?
Come on back.
Yeah.
So, don't ask me why,
but my parents want to meet you.
They want you to come
to dinner tomorrow night.
Oh.
It's stupid, so...
I mean, it's not my idea.
If you don't want to go,
I'll just tell them
that you don't want to go
and that'll be the end of it.
No, I'll go.
My parents won't like you.
Why not?
They just won't.
Knock-knock.
- Hi.
- Hey, Ginger, how're we feeling?
Well, my feet
are swollen,
I pee 2,000 times a day,
I haven't taken
a shit since Tuesday,
and my nipples
are like black.
Okay. Good, let's see here
what we have.
Oh, we have a possible
due date of December 10th.
Sweet.
Yeah.
So, you still thinking
of having the water birth at home?
- Yeah.
- What's a water birth at home?
I want to have the baby
submerged in water,
naturally,
and beautifully.
Do you mean like
in your tub?
Actually, we use a little wading pool
with warm water.
The midwife is in there
for natural childbirth.
I think it's great.
It's beautiful, and Dr. Shriver
thinks it's great.
Yeah, okay.
Um, Dr. Shriver,
I'm Barry Munday.
I'm the father.
I was... basically,
I was just hoping
I could ask a few questions,
if you don't mind.
Okay, ask away.
All right,
um, well,
will I be allowed
to participate in the birth?
I'd like to be there to help with
the baby when it comes out.
Absolutely. You and the midwife
will be side by side.
Just listen to her,
watch the videos,
and take the classes.
Okay, awesome.
Um, are there any foods
that Ginger shouldn't eat?
I read somewhere that pregnant women
shouldn't eat bleu cheese.
Are you retarded?
I never heard the one
about the bleu cheese.
I heard that
sometimes women poop,
like during the birth.
It's natural.
Um... oh!
I read online
that it was possible
for doctors to identiry patients
by their vaginas.
Did you hear that?
I was just curious.
Good luck to you, son.
- Yeah, it's not important.
- No.
Ginger,
I'll see you next week.
Okay, well,
I guess, uh...
So, tomorrow night.
For what?
Dinner
with my parents.
- Right.
- Jesus!
No...
it's awesome.
So, hey...
Good night, Barry.
That's cool.
I'm really tired.
Hi.
Okay.
This is our second child,
and while my wife knows
that she won't fit
into her old clothes,
she's still beautiful.
And it's my job to tell her
that she looks amazing
all the time.
Hi, beautiful.
Hi.
Which I try to do
as regularly as possible.
Hi.
You're early.
What?
Uh, I don't want you
to take this the wrong way,
but that dress
doesn't do you justice.
That's interesting,
Barry.
You didn't seem to have
a problem with this dress
the night you pulled it
off my body and had sex with me.
So, I've been
kickin' around some names.
The baby
already has a name.
What is it?
If it's a boy, Haywood.
- Haywood?
- Mm-hmm.
Haywood Munday?
- Don't be stupid.
- What?
The baby's last name
won't be Munday.
Why not?
Because we're not
married, idiot.
L-l...
but I'm the father.
- So?
- So...
Come on,
I mean, l...
I stepped up
to the responsibility.
One trip to my doctor
to ask him
about his other patients'
vaginas is not stepping up.
Yeah, but it's
our baby, right?
It's yours and mine,
right?
I mean I'm here,
Ginger. I'm the father.
Fine, fine!
Fine.
The baby won't have
a last name.
It'll just be Haywood.
No, that...
just Haywood?
I don't think you can do that
legally, can you?
Why not? Lots of famous people
in history only have one name.
Moses.
Cleopatra.
Calvin.
- Who's Calvin?
- Jesus.
So, if the baby
only gets one name,
why do you get
to decide?
Why?
'Cause this baby's
in me, not you.
Because every minute
I'm making a human being, not you.
And because my tits
feel like two ziplock bags
full of dried-up oatmeal.
Do yours?
I don't think
it's fair
to use my biological
disadvantages against me.
You know I'd switch places
with you if I could.
I would, seriously.
I go to work alone,
I sleep alone,
but you get to experience
a connection to this baby
I am completely
excluded from.
Just so you know, my parents think
that you put drugs in my drink
and had intercourse
with me while I was unconscious.
Honey, well...
This is for you.
Come with me, son.
- I want you to see a few of these trophies.
- Wonderful.
- Who's this?
- This is our youngest, Jennifer.
Any pictures of Ginger?
Yeah...
No.
She doesn't
like pictures.
Sit down, son.
So, Mr. Munday,
we've got ourselves a bit
of a situation here, don't we?
Yes, sir.
Um...
l... I'm not sure
what you've been told
concerning my actions.
Wait a minute.
Did you not tell my daughter
that you would accept
full responsibility for being
father of this baby, you shit-eater?
- Yes, um...
- Financially, morally?
- L...
- I'm sorry, but did you not say
that all these things
would be your actions, Mr. Munday?
I thought
you-you were...
Nah, that's... I thought
you were talking about...
About what? Talking about what?
What are you talking about?
Uh, nothing.
Nothing?
Mr. Munday,
Ginger is hardheaded,
and yes, unappreciative
at times
of her family's love,
but she is my daughter.
Remember that.
Yes sir.
Good.
Oh, pumpkin farm!
Dinner's ready.
I expect you'll be
looking forward
to continuing this
later on, Mr. Munday.
Yes sir.
So, you're Barry
the rapist.
Tell us about yourself, Barry.
This is the first time
Ginger has ever
brought a man home to meet us.
Our Jennifer brings
fellas home all the time.
But that's Jennifer.
I'm a slut.
You stop that.
She is not a slut.
She's graduating
from business school
and she plays
three instruments.
Jennifer is very
very special... ed.
Ow.
Personally, I think
this is nice for Ginger,
even though I don't approve of the way
the two of you did your business.
- Mom...
- I blame myself.
I tell her it's not natural
to be by herself all the time.
I've told her this
since she was 14,
"You need to put on makeup,
nice dresses,
show some pride,
like Jennifer."
Leave her alone, Mom.
Let's ask Barry.
You like makeup,
don't you?
- L...
- She does it for attention.
- I can't believe this.
- Calm down.
All I'm saying is,
it's great to have Barry here.
He gets that.
I think Ginger's beautiful.
And personally,
as the father,
I feel it's my role
to tell her she looks
amazing all the time,
which I try
to do regularly.
So, Barry, um, you were
telling my wife
about yourself.
Oh, well, not much
to tell, really.
I flirted with architecture
for a while.
I thought about getting
into triathlons,
or relay races.
Been in insurance...
about a year.
Um...
it's good.
It's really good.
- Where?
- It's on Moorpark.
Green Insurance.
Lonnie Green's
a great friend of mine.
I'll call him,
arrange to have lunch,
the three of us.
That would be great.
Get to know the new
father a little bit.
That sounds good.
Well...
we're gonna
have a baby.
That's wonderful.
Anyone like
a gin and tonic?
So, where'd
you two meet?
Snatchers.
I see.
I guess you knew Barry
before the operation.
I guess so.
So, Ginger,
mother to mother,
what is it that you want
for this baby?
Besides healthy?
I guess I just want
my child to feel
loved and appreciated,
even if it's 180 degrees
different from me.
I would be very proud
to have a gay child.
So, where are we having
this wonderful new addition?
St. Joseph's?
I'm having
a water birth at home.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, the doctor
thought it was a great idea.
And it's natural
and beautiful.
So...
Well, I'd like to do whatever
I can to help out.
You're gonna need
a baby bed, and bottles,
and lots and lots
of diapers.
That's great, Mom.
Thanks.
I appreciate it, but my baby
won't be wearing diapers.
I mean, why is it
we can teach a kitten
just a few months old
to use a sandbox,
but a child,
infinitely more intelligent,
walks around shitting in their pants
for two years?
Ginger read that.
This doctor... what's his name?
Plus, all the harmful
pathogens in human feces,
just smushed in there
in that hot incubator
of a diaper.
Ugh!
She comes from
a really nice family...
wealthy, nice house.
Her sister plays
three instruments.
Honey, I don't care
if she's a Kennedy.
A cat box?
She wants to train your baby
to use a cat box.
Can you imagine?
There she is!
Where is your bathroom?
Oh, go around
this corner
and through
the living room,
just on your right,
past the zebra.
A cat box.
You want to maybe
tell me about this operation
in case I get placed
in that situation again, "honey"?
Um...
I went to a matinee
a few months ago,
um... one second
I was watching a movie...
No!
...and six hours later
I woke up
in a hospital
where they had removed
my testicles.
What happened
in the matinee?
I wish I knew.
I actually have no memory
due to the trauma.
Are you serious?
Well, the doctor said
it may come back eventually,
um, maybe not,
but I hope so.
You have no testicles.
I don't know why
I never told you about...
about it before,
but with the baby,
you being pregnant
was a real miracle
in a lot of ways.
- Shut up.
- No, come on, I'm serious.
I don't know,
I just...
you came,
and there's
purpose now.
Direction.
- Morning, Hoss.
- Oh, hey.
- Free for lunch?
- Uh, sure.
Good, an old buddy of mine, Tom,
asked for you specifically.
- Tom...?
- Tom Farley.
Asked for my number one
shit-eater.
Aw, man, I'd love to get a piece
of that business.
How do you know Tom,
anyway?
I'm, uh... I'm friends
with his daughter.
- Ah, Tom!
- Ah, Lon! How're you doin'?
- Nice to see you, man!
- You look spectacular!
You've
lost weight, man.
You don't mind if my daughter
joins us, do you?
I was downtown shopping, so...
No no, not at all.
Nice to see you again.
You too.
Hi, Barry.
- Hi, Jennifer.
- Oh, I think our table's ready.
Thank God, I thought you were talking
about the other daughter.
- Menu, sir?
- Thank you.
Well, anyway,
I'm really glad
we were able to do this,
my old friend
and my...
uh...
Yeah, Barry
is quite a guy.
Yeah.
- So, what's good here?
- I'm a red sauce man, myself.
- Best in town.
- Oh!
Hey-yy...
Jen.
Hey, Barry.
The calamari gets good reviews.
Whitefish...
my favorite
are the chops.
- Specials somewhere.
- Ah.
Hi, lover.
So, this
your little kitty cat?
Oh no, Lida. Look, this is not
the time or the place...
Oof!
Gentlemen.
Ooh.
She's an old girlfriend.
Before Ginger.
A long time ago.
Ginger?
My other daughter.
So, I heard you had
an interesting lunch yesterday.
She's an old girlfriend.
She's crazy.
What old girlfriend?
They didn't...
I thought...
I'm kidding.
Of course they told me.
You're such an idiot.
Why do you
do that...
all the "idiot,
shit-eater" stuff all the time?
Oh, I'm sorry, Barry,
am I hurting
your feelings?
No, I mean, ahem...
I'm trying to be nice.
See, I can't win.
It's like you constantly
expect me
to disappoint you.
And why would I
expect that?
All right,
I'm an idiot shit-eater.
But for the record,
you should know
expectation
is nothing but planned
resentment.
Do you have that written
on a poster on the wall of your office?
No, it's a book,
a good book,
and I think it's true.
And if you want to carry that around
with you all the time,
hey, that's your bag.
But remember,
you called me.
And I'm here.
Whatever. It doesn't matter.
I don't blame you
for a goddamn thing.
Well, I want it
to matter.
I want you to like me.
Ginger, the doctor
will see you now.
Liking people
is easy, Barry.
Oh Mama,
I'm in fear for my life...
Hey, man, honestly,
thanks for comin'.
Of course.
You look great.
Like a red car wash.
I figured if I make it,
and keep goin' on,
then we could
keep partying,
then we'll take it down
to the Beaver Tree.
Yeah, strip joint.
You in?
The jig is up
the news is out
They've finally
found me...
Heavy Metal Greg is the shit!
Cups!
Whoo-oo!
Hey, by the way,
I'm gonna have a baby.
- A what?!
- Yeah, a baby!
No, no,
he just looks young.
- No...
- It's his song selection. That's the key.
Up!
Oh Mama,
I'm in fear for my life...
- Up!
- From the long arm of the law...
I can't believe you won!
Whoo!
The area finals!
- And beavers!
- Yeah!
Hey, Donald,
you know somethin'?
What?
I think you might be
my only friend.
- Gentlemen and gentlemen, please welcome...
- What?!
...the exotic and spectacular Dreamer.
- Nothin'.
Good talent tonight.
No, not Italian.
I think she's Spanish.
Exactly.
Here I go again
on my own...
Going down the only road
I've ever known...
Like a drifter
I was born to walk alone...
And I've made up
my mind...
Hey, Barry.
I ain't wastin'
no more time
But here I go again...
- Hey, hey!
- It's army style! Army style!
Why don't you give us
that sweet little pussy, baby?
Whoo!
Here I go...
Yeah!
Get off of her!
Hey, man! Hey!
Barry!
Hey, break it up!
Come here!
- You know who I am?!
- Knock it off!
Area finals!
Don't break it!
Don't break it!
Be cool, dude.
I'm just comin' for the trophy.
- What the hell, dude?
My night.
What?
Barry,
what are you doing here?
- What's that?
- What?
Nothing! Shut up!
What do you want?
No, uh, sorry, I just...
I just...
wanted to make sure
the baby was okay.
- Don't be stupid.
- I'm not being stupid.
I'm not being stupid.
The baby's fine.
I just...
Can I come in?
Go home, Barry.
It's 2:00
in the morning.
I know, I just...
Can I?
Fine, but I am not
sharing my bed with you.
I know.
I'll put some sheets
on the couch.
Come on along,
it's like a dream
And you can fall
into the feeling
That we never die...
All the while,
this baby
is gonna come through
the vagina,
big and strong.
Comin' through.
You're gonna find,
there's a little piece of mind...
Yeah, of course.
No, we've got it worked out.
Look, I wouldn't sell it if I didn't believe it
and that's the truth.
Yeah, we're gonna take care of Alex,
Andy and Sam.
Now if you ever
want to run
From everything
that you have become
Call on me,
I will be waiting
Run to my room...
Hey, Ginger, you know what?
I think we're going
to have a girl.
Great.
Oh, by the way,
I forgot,
Jennifer invited you
to her graduation.
This is when
the baby's due.
It's the week
of the due date.
The baby could come
at any minute.
I feel like it's gonna
kick a hole in my side
and crawl out
right now.
Can I feel it?
Are you scared?
Do you want me to go
to your sister's graduation?
If you want.
That's not
what I'm asking.
Let's not pretend
these people like me.
Are you afraid
of my family?
Yes, yes I am.
Each one of them...
individually,
and as a group.
Fine.
Yes, I would like you
to accompany me
to my sister's
graduation.
I needed you
To set me free
So I could learn
I needed freedom
to return...
I've been thinking a lot
about the name Cornelia.
Yes?
Well, you just have
to be careful with names,
um, basically, 'cause
children are cruel.
Yes.
And you got to know
they're gonna shorten the name.
They'll call her Corny.
She's a girl... that's
what she'll be called.
Do you like Corny?
Yes I do.
You know what the boys
in high school
are gonna call her?
What?
Horny Corny.
That's what boys
like you will call her, not everybody.
Maybe, but that'll
be her name.
Look, I'm not gonna mold my life,
or my child's life
around the actions of perverts
and degenerates.
I'm not afraid of the idiocy
of "Horny Corny"
because it rhymes,
or because it's dirty,
or because
people are too lazy
to pronounce
her real name, Cornelia.
And by the way,
the next time
you touch my tit
without permission
I will cut you
while you're sleeping.
Hello!
Oh, you must be Carol.
It's so nice to finally meet you.
Come in.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
Barry's always saying
what a nice family Ginger has.
- How sweet.
- Mrs. Munday.
- So nice to meet you at last.
- Oh, my pleasure.
- And it's Ms.
- Oh, Ms.
- Hi!
- Pumpkin farm!
And this is our youngest,
Jenny.
This is Carol,
Barry's mother.
Hi, Jennifer.
Congratulations.
- Thanks!
- Hey, Jennifer.
Nice to
see you again.
Well, nice to see you
as well, Barry. Nice suit.
Thank you.
Hi, Barry.
Hi, Ms. Munday.
Hi, sweetie.
- Hey.
- Hi. Hello.
Well, shall we go through
and have a little lunch?
- Yes.
- Ms. Munday, may I?
You look nice.
You're wearing a suit.
- You want another piece?
Not yet.
- It's kind of gross.
- It's going good.
They can hear you.
- What?
- They can hear you.
- Father Walsh?
- Mm-hmm?
Did you hear
about Barry's accident?
Um, no, I don't think
I have.
Jennifer, I don't think
this is the time.
It's okay,
right, Barry?
See, Barry was
at a matinee,
and some whacko
just attacked him.
- Attacked him?
- It was awful.
Okay, Jen,
I don't think
we want to bring up
personal stuff,
now do we?
- Jen.
- Oh, phtt-tt!
Anyway, somebody just
comes into the theater
and... right
into his...
...you know,
his balls.
And they never caught
the guy, but...
personally,
I think Barry was
makin' time with
another fella's lady.
Okay, Jen.
I'd stop now or you-know-what
will be revealed.
And you don't
want that, do ya?
Or scammin' on some little girl
and Daddy caught him.
Pervert.
All right, check it!
on a Saturday night,
I saw Jennifer
as the featured dancer
at a nudie club
called the Beaver Tree.
Ha!
Sorry to be the one
to tell you all.
I know it's
embarrassing for you.
It was embarrassing for me
to see her on stage.
Believe me.
- Barry...
- Father Walsh.
- Barry...
- She just... she pushed me.
I couldn't help it.
Shame on you.
- Barry...
- It was Whitesnake.
- Barry...
- Here I go again on my own...
Barry,
last Saturday night,
Mr. And Mrs. Farley
and their two daughters
were at my house
to discuss Ginger's
pregnancy.
Till at least 10:00.
Here I go...
Sweet little pussy, baby!
For the record, sir,
I had never been
to the Beaver Tree
This cake's
delicious.
Thank you.
- Oh my God!
- What?!
My water broke.
- Are you serious?
- Are you sure?
- Call Janice.
- Who's Janice?
- The midwife, you idiot!
- The midwife, Barry!
Watch your step!
Watch your step!
- Barry, there's no room for you!
- You're yelling in my head!
- What?
- No room!
You and your mother
take Father Walsh.
Son, son, this way!
Get the camera.
Get the camera, hon.
Here's a good shot
right here. Beautiful.
Talk to your baby,
Ginger.
- Sandwich? Popcorn?
- I'm okay.
Okay, Daddy, why don't you
come and be a part of this?
- Uh...
- Talk to your baby, Barry.
- Okay. Um, hi baby.
Uh, I'm Barry Munday.
- I wish you all the best...
today comin' out
of your mom's vagina.
Here we go!
Time for the baby!
Breathe, breathe.
Come on, come on!
You can
do it, baby!
- Why don't you step into the tub?
- I'm wearing a suit.
Well, you can strip down
to your undies if you wish.
I'm not wearing
any underwear.
- Oh, Barry.
- Barry, will you just get in the G-D tub!
Yes sir.
Oh! Agh-hh!
Yep, no recollection
of that place whatsoever.
Oh, wait,
I forgot something!
- Push.
Okay, mirror. Carol,
could you give me the mirror?
Great. Let me see
if that's right.
What the hell
is this?
It's whales
in the ocean.
Uh, it's supposed
to be soothing.
- Right?
What?
What are you saying?!
- I can't hear you!
- Just reach down. Just reach down.
Turn off
the fucking whales!
- Oh, I got it!
- Happy thoughts.
- That's it.
- You can do it, Ginger!
- I can't do any more!
Reach down,
reach down.
When I was young
and pushed around
And beaten up
and beaten down
Who'd I run to, Mama?
Tell me, who?
And as I grew
to be a man
And all the world
held such lan
I did what I thought
I just had to do
It was you, Mama, you,
it was you all along
It was you I ran away from,
I was wrong
Now reach down...
If I could,
I'd change my life
I swear to God
I'd cut it out with a knife...
Oh, God!
Oh, God!
Oh, God! No way!
Say hello to your little girl.
It's a girl.
Just follow the baby.
You can never go wrong.
Oh, you were right.
You were right.
She's beautiful.
- Wanna hold her?
- Yeah.
I got her. I got her.
I got her.
Okay.
Christmas.
How's she doin'?
I just came in here to...
Ginger was watchin' some videos.
I just wanted
to turn it off.
Thanks for
stayin' the night.
I know you had
your graduation.
Oh, it's just
a sheet of paper.
Yeah, well, Ginger appreciates it,
so congratulations.
You know, we've never had
much time alone together, Barry.
- Why are you doing this?
- Does it still work?
- What are you doing?
- Relax, I'm a professional, remember?
I knew it. Stop!
I knew it.
That was you
at the Beaver Tree.
What is it? Is it that
you just don't like me?
- Or are you jealous?
- No, please.
Of you?
I don't know.
Ginger?
Is it really
that boring being
everybody's favorite
all the time?
What are you two doing up?
Look who I found
in here watching boobs.
Pervert.
Ugh.
I'm gonna
go to bed.
Okay, get a little...
a little drink of water.
Vroom, vroom-vroom.
Sweet girl.
Right there.
It's broken.
I see.
Oh, well.
You a daddy?
Yeah.
Fantastic.
Let's see
the little bugger.
Okay.
Now look at that...
half-Asian.
Uh, excuse me?
Your baby.
Oriental, right?
Uh, I don't think so.
Been in this park
over 30 years,
seen every baby
from red to blue to Tyler too.
Eyes, hue of skin...
nothing like
Japanese skin.
Damn soft, too.
Velvet.
Mm-mm-mm...
Hey, man,
can I help you?
Sorry.
What?
Sorry.
Why are you sorry?
- Sorry.
- Why are you s...
Mom, do you think
Cornelia looks like me?
Yes, I do.
Does she look
like my father?
No.
Neither do you.
I thought he was
an ugly man.
Why are you asking?
I don't know.
Where'd he come from?
Your father came from
a place very far away,
and he should've
stayed there.
He left behind the only part
of him worth knowing... you.
Does my baby
look Asian to you?
This isn't about
Cornelia, is it?
- This is about your testes.
- What?
It's natural
after a loss like this
to question,
"Is it real?
Did I actually make
this little creature?"
Questions are healthy.
I think that's the main reason
you had the paternity test.
Barry, God has
his ways, kiddo.
She is beautiful,
isn't she?
She's a Munday.
Cornelia...
something-Munday.
Just Cornelia.
No middle name?
No middle name, no last name.
Just Cornelia.
You have to have a last name.
That's illegal, isn't it?
What about Jesus,
Madonna, or Calvin?
Who's Calvin?
I don't know.
- What are you doing?
- Nothin'.
Fine.
Listen, Cornelia's sleeping,
but you're gonna have to feed her soon.
Where are your glasses?
I got contacts
a month ago.
You haven't noticed?
Would you notice
if I had no head?
Probably.
See those guy's plants across the hall?
They're pretty sweet.
My mom's number
is on the fridge.
Are you sure
you can handle this?
Oh yeah.
We'll be fine.
I got beer.
Are you okay?
I'm awesome.
Ugh.
Br-rr-rr.
Br-rr-rr.
- Hello?
- Barry, it's Mom. Could you come over?
Uh, now?
Just for an hour or so.
This damn disposal.
Uh, I'm watching
Cornelia, Mom.
Bring her. She should be visiting
her grandmother, you know.
- Hello.
- Barry, hi.
I'm Dr. Preston Edwards.
Please, don't be alarmed.
Your mother's concerned.
She loves you very much.
I thought
you had a bad disposal.
Barry, listen
to Dr. Edwards.
Oh!
Adorable.
Barry, our group
provides support
to help us understand
what has happened to us.
Boys? Each of the men
in this room has suffered
some kind of genital
mutilation or deformity.
You're not alone.
Hi, I'm Jerry Sherman.
When I was
Now the end pokes out
like a little snappy turtle.
And yes,
I do urinate sitting down.
But you know what?
My testicles are intact.
So, I'd say
my glass is half full.
Well done, Jerry.
My name's
Kyle Pennington.
I'm 37. I have a master's
degree in education.
My penis
is 16 inches long.
It's thin like a rope,
and my testicles
are the size of peanuts.
I suffer from a rare
genetic disorder
called Glassroth Syndrome.
I'm the founder of the group.
Thank you, Kyle.
If you're laughing
out of nervousness
or embarrassment,
that's understandable.
But there is nothing funny
about Kyle's condition.
I'm sorry, Kyle.
Ahem...
My name is Maury...
Maury Knox.
Maury is a new member.
He prefers to speak
with his back to the group.
I, um... actually, I have
no genitalia at all.
My private spot is
a smooth hairless patch.
And I pee out of my a-anus.
This is my
second meeting.
Thank you, Maury.
Barry, I know this
must seem strange to you.
No.
No, it's totally...
it's cool.
Came over with my baby
to my mom's house
to help fix her disposal,
and I find five dudes
sitting in my living room
waiting to tell me stories
about their dicks.
It's perfectly normal.
Okay.
Can I ask you a question,
Dr. Edwards?
You ever find people
who figure out their own problems
without the help
of a support group?
Well, I have
patients who have
believed that
they have self-healed,
only to have their problems resurface
in acts of violence,
- estrangements, sexual confusion...
- Served it, sister.
Okay. Well hey,
I'm not violent,
estranged or sexually confused,
so maybe I'm cured.
Ha, no one is
ever really cured.
That's nice, Doctor,
but my balls are gone.
And I don't think
your group discussions
will help
bring them back.
I don't even know
if I want the damn things.
The only good they ever did was
help make Cornelia
and I don't even know
if they can honestly take credit for that.
Thank you.
Mini-breakthrough.
You really should
join our group.
It's Thursday nights
at 7:00.
Jerry, are you
on refreshments this week?
- I'm makin' puff pastry, Doc.
- Good times.
Tell you what, why don't I just call you
when I'm feeling violent,
estranged, or...
Sexually
confused?
- Barry?
- Yes, Preston.
All right. Fellas?
Bye.
Oh, here's the one
I was looking for.
This is Christmas.
You were four, I think.
Ah yes.
I was fat.
Look it, look it,
look it, look it.
Oh look.
Yeah, see, she's got your eyes.
She's got your nose.
She's got your toes.
Look!
Who has
anyone's toes?
Oh, you were
such a good baby.
You were always smiling
about something.
Look at this.
I never could figure out
what was so funny,
but you were always
smilin' about something or other.
You know, it never
bothered you that we were poor.
It never bothered you
that we were alone.
I worried about you
so much
I really don't think you missed him
until you were older.
Hmm.
You know,
until you...
needed to ask questions
about...
you know,
being a man.
There wasn't
anybody there to ask.
Life goes in circles,
you know.
Ginger's
a good mother, Barry.
I want you to take care
of that baby.
Did he know
you were pregnant when he left?
Barry, if I tell you
he knew,
you'll make
yourself crazy
wondering why he left.
If I say he didn't...
I just want
to know.
I just want to know
who I am.
Yeah.
Leaving behind a sperm
doesn't make you a father.
Or a man...
any more than one brick
makes a house.
I know that.
You've built
your own house now.
It's there,
the circles.
Before
you had Cornelia,
did you know there was love like this
in the whole wide world?
Mm-um.
Another guy said
he pees out of his anus.
Now that's
just bragging.
Sometimes
you remind me
of Joey from
the first season of "Friends."
Was he awesome?
No.
I mean, kind of.
I liked it.
I liked him on that.
He was funny.
Were you really a virgin
before our sex?
Did you think
I was lying to you?
You don't remember
that night at all?
That sucks.
Hey, why me?
I mean, that night,
why... why with...
with me?
M-most of my life,
I think, you know,
people never really
paid much
attention to me.
They kinda
just forgot about me.
I mean, they would think
like, "What's the point?"
Or they would just look at me and think,
"Why bother?" You know?
And people
I work with,
my family,
and, um, so...
I don't know, I found
kind of a safety in that...
like, that there was
no judgment then.
No overt judgment.
You mean, you...
you dress like this
on purpose, and you know.
Well, I don't expect you
to understand it,
but there is
kind of a...
a power
in being...
undesirable.
But then I almost got
in this car accident that day...
the day of the night...
and this guy yelled
out his window...
Watch where you're going,
you ugly bitch!
And, um, and it just
took it all away,
just that one sentence.
And I just felt really...
like an ugly bitch.
So, that night...
- Night will follow day...
I just really needed
to feel desirable.
Well, I'm glad he called you
an ugly bitch.
Thanks, Barry.
Can you still...?
Oh, yeah, the doctor said I can...
have what's called
a "dry orgasm."
- Oh, gross.
- Yeah, it's gross.
Ginger, this is
the first time l...
When I'm ready
When I'm able...
I cut the night
and grease the sky
You said that you were
tired of feeling down
It's a story...
What's that?
Oh, I got it
in college.
- It's dumb.
- Naw.
I thought
it would cheer me up.
You never thought
your feet would touch the ground...
I just want
to break the ice
Can't we still
meet up tonight?
We jumped so low,
we fell so high...
Oh, Debbie
When will you
make up your mind?
No one said
that love is kind
We had a laugh,
we had a cry...
- I did it!
- Almost!
- She's mine!
- Yes!
- Is it mine?
- Yes! Yours!
Mine!
Cornelia!
I didn't mean it like...
I just said it 'cause...
Who says their baby's
name during sex?
I was happy.
Yeah, we could still...
Another time, Barry.
Hey.
What's this?
A little appreciation.
I just talked to Tom Farley
this morning.
He wanted you
to handle it personally.
Oh.
Yes. Thank you.
Oh, by the way,
I need you to stay late tonight.
Martin Lefleur
is supposed to call
around about
I need you to walk him through
the proposal. Cool?
Sure. Yeah.
Cool.
Hello?
Ginger?
What the hell?
Surprise!
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday, Barry.
Your mom and I wanted to organize
something special for you.
- Are you surprised?
- Yeah, I forgot it was my birthday.
- Happy birthday, bro.
- Hey, man!
Got you
a little somethin'.
Your mom said
it's the good stuff,
so I went ahead
and had a little sip.
Yes, you did.
Dr. Habib.
- Hey, Barry, how are you?
- I'm doing great.
How's it all feelin' down there?
Everything workin'?
- Yeah, it's workin'.
- Really?
- Only kidding, Barry. Happy birthday!
- Hey, thanks.
I can't believe you fell for that
late-phone-call trick.
- What?
- I mean, come on, Martin Lefleur?
That son of a bitch
never calls.
Happy birthday, Barry.
Happy birthday!
Thanks.
Could believe, do...
And share in what was true, I said...
Hey, sexy.
No.
You know, I thought a lot
about what you said.
And you're right.
Which part?
I was bored
and jealous.
Not that you're not
a sexy man, Barry.
Come on, that was you at the Beaver Tree.
Come on, wasn't it?
Just say it.
Nobody'll believe me anyway.
Happy birthday, pervert.
- You want a lime?
- No.
- Cubes for your wine?
- No thanks.
When I, you
And everyone we knew
Could believe, do
And share in what was true,
I said...
Dance hall days, love
Dance hall days, love
Dance hall days
Dance hall days, love
- Happy birthday.
- Dance hall days
Dude, you know Dreamer
from the Beaver Tree?
And you need her
and she needs you
And you need her...
I impregnated one of
the last random women I conquered
before my testicles vanished
from the face of this earth.
I never stopped
to consider
whether she would be
a good mother for my child,
or even whether I'd be able
to sit in the same room
with the woman
after the sex act was complete.
And yet somehow,
through this disconnected
senselessness,
I set in motion
a chain reaction of happiness.
Now it's hard
for me to believe
I never would've
chosen this life.
And I sometimes think
of the days
I was buried in my cave,
feeling sorry for myself,
letting my hand
drift between my legs
to make sure
I wasn't dreaming.
But I also remember getting that letter
from Newton Creech
and reading
every word twice.
Before I could even
think about it,
before I could even
poison the reaction,
I was overjoyed...
overjoyed at the idea
of a new life,
part of me
somewhere in the world,
waiting on the verge
of possibility.
- Barry, there you go.
- Thanks, sir.
I guess one man's burden
can really be
another man's happiness.
Let's go. Oh!
- Sorry, sir.
- Oh, no problem.
Of course I still think
it would be pretty rad
to be an architect.
Or a triathlete.
Or a yoga instructor.
Can you tell me,
I want to believe
That you want to be with me
forever
I need to know
that you won't ever leave
And you won't run away
from me never
I've been waiting
for a long time
For the one
who would be mine
I think it's time
Everything's all right
The way
that you believe in me
It takes me
through the night
I fall beside you
softly singing
That I've been waiting
for a long time
For the one
who would be mine
I think it's time
In the morning,
I see what you mean
'Cause I don't want
to make it without you
You've got me dreaming,
and after you leave
When you're gone
I'm still thinking about you
I've been waiting
for a long time
For the one
who would be mine
I think it's time
I think everything's
all right
The way that you
believe in me
And it takes me
through the night
I fall beside you
softly singing
Na na-na na-na
Tomorrow
is another morning
Na na-na na-na
Tomorrow
is another morning
If you say
you will be mine
I think it's time
I think it's time...
It's time. It's time!
I like to make it
With my baby
every night
Everything's all right
Every morning
when I wake
I fall into your eyes
I want to go
I believe
we're gonna make it
Na na-na na-na
Tomorrow
is another morning
Na na-na na-na
Tomorrow
is another morning
If you're alone tonight
Believe me,
I've been waiting for you
Everything's all right
Yeah!
Who's the coolest guy
in the world?
His name is Barry
Barry the man
Who's the baddest dude
of all time?
I just said Barry
Can't you understand?
That he's fighting
his way to the top
Defining the cream
of the crop
And he won't stop
'Cause he's Barry
Barry the man
It's necessary
He do what he can
Gonna do what he can
When somebody's life's
on the line
You just call Barry
He'll lend a hand
You maybe doin' just fine
I'd still call Barry
He's a charming man
And he's fighting
his way to the top
Defining the cream
of the crop
And he won't stop
'Cause he's Barry
Barry the man
It's necessary
He do what he can
Gonna do what he can,
oh-oh...
He's now finding a way
Barry is here to stay
And he's fighting
his way to the top
Defining the cream
of the crop
And he won't stop
'Cause he's Barry
Barry the man
It's necessary
He do what he can
'Cause he's Barry
Barry the man
It's necessary
He do what he can
Go Barry, go Barry
'Cause he's Barry
Barry the man.