Batman Returns (1992) Movie Script
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
Penguin sighting! Man or myth?
What is he? Today's edition.
Another penguin sighting.
Another penguin sighting! Check it out!
Penguin man living in Gotham's sewers!
Read all about the latest sighting!
May I have your attention, Gotham City?
It is time for tonight's lighting of the tree.
How about that?
Part man, part penguin! All horrifying!
Find out for only 50 cents! Come on!
Read about the possible terror
beneath our feet! Check it out!
Read about it!
Missing link between man and bird.
My dear boy...
...sometimes it's a diversion
to read such rubbish.
Usually, it's a waste of time.
Whatever. Today's issue!
"The Penguin: Man or myth?"
The Globe! Right here! 25 cents!
Well, here's hoping.
With luck, Gotham will have its first
merry Christmas in years.
I feel almost vulgar at Yuletide...
...mentioning the new power plant.
But if we're to break ground
when we must, I'll need permits...
...variances, tax incentives.
That sort of pesky nonsense.
Power plant?
Studies show we've enough power to get
us into the middle of the next century.
Your analysts foresee growth
at 1% per annum. That's a mild swelling.
Imagine...
...a Gotham City...
...of the future, lit up like a blanket
of stars...
...but blinking on and off...
...embarrassingly low on juice.
Frankly...
...I cringe, Mr. Mayor.
Sorry, any plans must go
to the usual committees...
...through the usual channels.
I have a suggestion.
Well...
...actually, really, just more like a question.
I'm afraid we haven't
properly housebroken Ms. Kyle.
In the plus column, though...
...she makes great coffee.
Dad.
Mr. Mayor. Time to go down
and bring joy to the masses.
"Actually, more of a question."
You stupid corn dog.
Corn dog, corn dog.
I have enough signatures
from Shreck employees to warrant a recall.
That's not a threat, just simple numbers.
Maybe. But you sure as hell
don't have an issue or a candidate.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
From those of us at City Hall
to each and every one of you...
...happy holidays.
We have with us a man who needs
no introduction, he's given us so much.
Please welcome Gotham's
own Santa Claus, Max Shreck.
Pick up those contracts for Personnel and...
...pick up the dry cleaning
and paper towels...
Darn!
I forgot my speech.
Remind me to take it out
on what's-her-name.
Santa Claus?
Afraid not.
I'm just a poor schmo. Got lucky.
Sue me...
...if I want to give some back.
I only wish I could hand out more
than just...
...expensive baubles.
I wish I could hand out world peace...
...and unconditional love...
...wrapped in a big bow.
Oh, but you can.
Oh, but you will.
Merry Christmas.
Great idea.
Not mine.
What are you waiting for? The signal!
We want the big guy!
The guy who runs the show!
What do you want?
Not you!
Shreck!
You'll have to go through me.
Dad, go! Save yourself!
Dad, go!
Shut up!
Take one step closer, Mr. Manbat, and I'll...
You missed.
The Batman.
Or is it just "Batman"?
Your choice, of course.
Well, that was...
...very brief.
Just like all the men in my life.
What men?
Well...
...then again, there's you.
But you need therapy.
Thanks for saving the day, Batman.
The Circus Gang is back.
We'll see.
They almost made off with our mover
and shaker, Max Shreck.
Where is that insufferable son of a bitch?
I believe the word you're looking for is...
Actually, this is all just a bad dream.
You're at home in bed...
...heavily sedated, resting comfortably...
...dying from the carcinogens
you've personally spewed...
...in a lifetime of profiteering.
Tragic irony...
...or poetic justice?
You tell me.
My God, it's true.
Penguin Man of the sewer.
Odd as it may seem, Max...
...you and I have something in common:
We're both perceived as monsters.
But somehow...
...you're a well-respected monster...
...and I am, to date...
...not!
Frankly, I feel that's a bum rap.
I'm a businessman.
Tough, yes.
Shrewd, okay. But that does not
make me a monster.
Don't embarrass yourself, Max!
I know all about you.
What you hide, I discover.
What you put in your toilet...
...I place on my mantle. Get the picture?
Is that supposed to hypnotize me?
No, just give you a splitting headache.
It's not working.
Oh, you big baby!
Just blanks.
Would I go through all this trouble
just to kill you?
No, Max.
I have an entirely other purpose.
I'm ready, Max.
I've been down here too long.
It's time for me to ascend...
...to re-emerge...
...with your help...
...your know-how...
...your savvy.
I wasn't born in the sewer, you know.
I come from...
...like you.
And, like you, I want some respect!
A recognition of my basic humanity.
But most of all...
...I want to find out who I am...
...by finding my parents...
...learning my human name.
Simple stuff that the good people
of Gotham take for granted!
And...
...exactly why am I going to help you?
Well...
Let's start.
Let's see what we have in here.
A batch of toxic waste...
...from your clean textile plant!
There's a whole lagoon of this crud
in the back!
It could have come from anywhere.
What about the documents that prove you
own half of the firetraps in Gotham City?
If there were such documents...
...that's not an admission...
...they would've been shredded.
Good idea.
A lot of tape and a little patience
make all the difference.
By the way...
...how's Fred Atkins, your old partner?
Fred?
Fred's actually...
I believe he's on an extended vacation.
He's good.
Good.
Hiya, Max. Remember me?
I'm Fred's hand!
Want to greet any other body parts?
Remember, Max...
...you flush it, I flaunt it.
You know what, Mr. Penguin, sir?
I think, perhaps...
...I could help orchestrate
a "Welcome Home" scenario for you.
Once we're both back home,
perhaps we could help each other.
You won't regret this, Mr. Shreck.
Honey, I'm home!
Oh, I forgot. I'm not married.
Miss Kitty.
Back from more sexual escapades
you refuse to share?
Not that I'd ever pry.
Drink your dinner.
What?
How can anyone be so pathetic?
Yes, to you I seem pathetic,
but I'm a working girl.
Must pay the rent. Maybe if you
chipped in instead of stepping out.
Selina, dear, it's your mother.
Just calling to say hello.
Yeah, but...
But I'm disappointed you're not
coming home for Christmas.
I want to discuss why you insist
on languishing in Gotham City...
...as some lowly secretary.
Lowly assistant.
Selina, about that Christmas getaway
we planned...
I'll be going alone. Dr. Shaw says I need
to be my own person, not an appendage.
Some appendage!
The party never stops
on Selina Kyle's answering machine.
I should've let him win
that last racquetball game.
Hello...
...Selina Kyle.
We're calling to tell you about exciting,
new Gotham Lady perfume.
It makes women feel like women...
and the men have no complaints either.
This is yourself reminding you to come
all the way back to the office...
...if you forgot the Bruce Wayne file...
- You stupid corn dog!
Working late?
I'm just boning up for your Bruce Wayne
meeting in the morning.
I pulled all the files
on the proposed power plant...
...and Mr. Wayne's hoped-for investment.
I even opened the protected files...
How industrious!
How did you open the protected files?
May I ask?
I figured your password was "Geraldo,"
your Chihuahua, and it was.
This is all very interesting,
though a bit on the technical side...
...about how the power plant
is a power plant in name only...
...since, in fact, it's going to be a big,
giant...
...big, giant... capacitor.
And, instead of generating power,
it'll be sucking power from...
...Gotham City...
...and storing it...
...stockpiling it...
...which is a very novel approach, I'd say.
Who'd you say this to?
Nobody.
What did curiosity do to the cat?
I'm no cat.
I'm just an assistant.
A secretary.
And a very good one.
Too good?
Listen...
...it's our secret. Honest.
How can you be so mean
to someone so meaningless?
This power plant...
...is my legacy. It's what I leave behind.
For Chip.
Nothing must prevent that.
Go ahead. Intimidate me.
Bully me, if it makes you feel big.
It's not like you can kill me!
Actually, it's a lot like that.
For a second, you really frightened me.
Really?
Honey, I'm home!
Oh, I forgot. I'm not married.
Selina, this is your mother. Call me.
Selina, this is your mother.
Why haven't you called me back?
Hello, Selina Kyle.
We're just calling to make sure
you've tried Gotham Lady perfume.
One whiff of this and your boss
will ask you to stay after work...
...for a candlelight staff meeting for two.
Gotham Lady perfume.
Exclusively at Shreck's department store.
I don't know about you,
Miss Kitty, but I feel...
...so much yummier.
Ladies and gentlemen:
I stand before you again to denounce
the urban chaos we live with in our city.
It's got to stop.
It's going to stop!
Our community is coming apart...
...in a season when
it should be coming together.
I don't care what the cynics may say.
This is the Christmas season...
...and should be a healing time.
I say that not only as an official...
...but as a husband and a father.
Last night's violence won't happen again.
I'm not good at speeches,
so I'll just say, "Thanks. "
It's the hideous Penguin Man.
Take the baby. Just don't hurt me, please!
This was the remarkable scene
only minutes ago in Gotham Plaza.
The mysterious Penguin saving the life
of the mayor's baby...
...and announcing his presence.
- All I want in return...
...is a chance...
...to find my mom and dad.
A chance to find out who they are...
...and thusly...
...who I am.
And then...
...with my parents...
...try to understand... why.
Why they did what I guess
they felt they had to do...
...to a child...
...who was born...
...a little different.
A child...
...who spent his first Christmas...
...and many since...
...in a sewer.
Mr. Wayne? Something wrong?
His parents.
This scene, direct from Gotham Plaza.
I hope he finds them.
Here he is, standing alongside
Gotham's leading citizen, Max Shreck.
How about a statement?
People want to know.
- Penguin's not to be disturbed!
- It's a public place!
- Walk. Now. Move.
- Freedom of the press!
Wait a minute.
What about the freedom
to rediscover your roots...
...with dignity and privacy?
Is the Penguin a personal friend?
He's a personal friend of the whole city,
so have a heart.
Give the Constitution a rest.
It's Christmas.
"Red Triangle Circus put on
a swell show with fierce lions.
"Circus returns for a two-week...
"Kids will love..."
Thanks.
It's cold!
It's vichyssoise.
It's supposed to be cold.
"Circus is back with a freak show,
may not be suitable for kids...
"...featuring a poodle lady...
"...the world's fattest man...
"...and Aquatic Bird Boy."
Why are you determined to prove...
...that this Penguin is not what he seems?
Must you be the only lonely "man-beast"
in town?
"The circus folded its tents yesterday...
"...after reports of missing children
in several towns.
"Police have closed down
the Red Triangle fairgrounds.
"However, at least one
freak-show performer vanished before...
"...he could be questioned."
I suppose you feel better now.
No.
Actually, I feel worse.
Why're you still out?
Are you concerned about that strange,
heroic Penguin person?
I think he knows who his parents are.
There's something else.
Mr. Penguin...
A penguin is a bird that cannot fly!
I am a man!
I have a name!
Oswald Cobblepot!
You'll never be able to settle with them?
True.
I was their "Number-One" son...
...and they treated me like number two.
But it's human nature to fear...
...the unusual.
Perhaps...
...when I held my...
...Tiffany baby rattle...
...with a shiny flipper...
...instead of five chubby digits...
...they freaked.
But I forgive them.
"Penguin forgives parents!
'I'm at peace with myself and the world!
"'Don't need hands as long
as you got heart.
"'My heart is filled with love.
I feel five feet tall."'
- He's like a frog that became a prince.
- No, he's more like a penguin.
Now, now, pretty little thing.
Nice and easy.
I love a big, strong man who's not afraid
to show it with someone half his size.
Be gentle, it's my first time.
Tic-tac-toe.
You make it easy, don't you?
Always waiting for some Batman
to save you.
I am Catwoman...
...hear me roar.
I'd offer you coffee, but my assistant
is using her vacation time.
Good time. Everyone but the bandits'll
be slacking off till after the New Year.
I'm not sure I like the inference.
I didn't realize I made one.
I'm pushing this power plant now
because it'll cost more later.
A million saved is a million earned.
I commissioned this report.
Take a look at it.
Gotham City has a power surplus.
I'm sure you know that.
My question is:
What's your angle?
"Power surplus?" Bruce, shame on you!
No such thing. One can never have
too much power.
If my life has a meaning,
that's the meaning.
I'll fight you. I've already spoken
to the mayor and we agree.
Mayors come and go.
Blue bloods tire easily.
Can you go 15 rounds
with Muhammad Shreck?
I guess we'll find out.
Of course, I don't have a crime boss
like Cobblepot in my corner.
"Crime boss?" Shows what you know...
..."Mr. To-The-Manor-Born-
With-A-Silver-Spoon."
Oswald is Gotham's new golden boy.
If his parents hadn't 86'ed him,
you'd have been bunkies at prep school.
He controls the Red Triangle Gang.
I can't prove it yet, but we both...
I'll not stand for mud-slinging here.
If my assistant was here,
she'd have already escorted you out...
Anywhere he wants.
Preferably some nightspot grotto...
...or...
...secluded hideaway.
Nice suit.
That's my name, don't wear it out
or I'll make you buy me a new one.
This is Bruce...
...Wayne.
We've met.
Have we?
No, I'm sorry. I mistook me
for somebody else.
You mean, "mistook me."
Isn't that what I said?
I don't think so.
What happened?
Did you hurt yourself... on that ski slope?
Is that why you cut short your vacation?
Came back?
It's a blur.
Not complete amnesia. I remember
Sister Mary Margaret puking in church...
...and Betsy saying
it was morning sickness.
And the time I forgot to wear
my underpants to school...
...and the name of the boy who noticed
was Ricky Friedburg.
He's dead now.
But last night...
...complete blur.
Couldn't you just die?
Please...
...show out Mr. Wayne.
With pleasure.
Your coat, Mr. Wayne.
You don't seem like the type
who does business with Shreck.
No. You don't seem like the type
to take orders from him.
Well, that's a...
...long story.
I could free up some time.
- I'm listed.
- I'm tempted.
I'm working.
I'm leaving.
You buy that blurry business?
Women.
Nothing surprises me...
...except your late mother.
Who'd have thought Selina
had a brain to damage?
Bottom line?
She tries to blackmail me,
I'll drop her out of a higher window.
Meantime...
...l've got badder fish to fry.
Oswald...
...it's Max.
You're home?
How've you been?
Your extended family?
Good to have a family.
I'd rather not be disturbed now.
Come on downstairs, Oswald.
I have a surprise.
I don't like surprises.
Come on.
Don't peek.
You'll spoil it.
Adulation is a cross to bear.
God knows I know.
But someone's got to supplant our
standing in the way of progress, Mayor.
And don't deny it, Mr. Cobblepot,
you've got the magic.
Your charisma's bigger than both of us.
Come on down.
Mayor?
Mayor.
Elections happen in November.
It's late December.
Don't worry.
I want you to meet Jen and Josh,
my image consultants.
Here.
Reclaim your birthright.
I'm Jen.
Okay, let's see. What I'd like to do first
is put these gloves on you.
Our research tells us
that voters like fingers.
So if we were to just lose this...
We'll do it another time.
Not a lot of reflective surfaces
in the sewer, huh?
Still, it could be worse.
My nose could be gushing blood.
What do you mean by that?
Everybody, back to work!
Let's make...
...a mayor!
You're right, we missed
the regular election...
...but elected officials can be recalled,
impeached...
...given the boot. Look at Nixon, Agnew.
Then think of you...
...Oswald Cobblepot, filling the void.
I'd like to fill her void.
We'll need signatures to overturn
the ballot. I can supply those.
- Teach her my French flipper trick.
- We need one more thing.
A platform?
Stop global warming. Start global cooling.
Make the world an icebox.
I like it. But to get the mayor recalled,
we must have a catalyst.
"You're doing great, Mayor Cobblepot."
"Your table is ready, Mayor Cobblepot."
"I need you, Oswald. I need you now! "
"That's the biggest parasol I've ever seen."
Soon an incident like the Gulf of Tonkin,
or the Reichstag fire...
You want my old friends up there...
...to drive the mayor into a foaming frenzy?
- Exactly.
- Sounds fun.
But...
...I mustn't get sidetracked, Maxie.
I have my own things to tend to.
"Sidetracked?" This is your chance
to fulfill your destiny...
...that your parents carelessly discarded.
Reclaim my birthright, you mean?
Imagine, as mayor,
you have the ear of the media...
...access to the captains of industry...
...unlimited poontang.
You drive a hard bargain, Maxie.
All right, I'll be mayor.
Burn, baby, burn!
- Who is she?
- What is she?
I don't know whether to open fire
or fall in love.
You poor guys.
Always confusing your pistols
with your privates.
Don't hurt us. Our take-home's
less than $300.
You're overpaid. Hit the road.
Go ahead and hit me.
Admiring your handiwork?
Touring the riot scene.
Gravely assessing the devastation.
"Upstanding-Mayor" stuff.
You're not the mayor.
Things change.
What do you want?
The direct approach.
I admire that in a man with a mask.
You don't really think you'll win, do you?
Things change.
I saw her first. Got to fly.
How could you? I'm a woman!
I'm sorry.
As I was saying, I'm a woman
and can't be taken for granted.
Life's a bitch, now so am I.
Who are you?
Who's the man behind the bat?
Maybe you can help me find...
...the woman...
...behind the cat.
No, that's not you.
There you are.
Saved by Kitty Litter.
Bastard!
Alfred...
...bring me some antiseptic ointment.
Coming. Are you in pain, sir?
Not really.
I may have saved the mayor's baby...
...but I refuse to save a mayor...
...who stood by, helpless as a baby...
...while Gotham was ravaged
by a disease...
...that turned Eagle Scouts
into crazed clowns...
...and happy homemakers into catwomen.
Thank you.
Oswald Cobblepot, the mystery man-beast,
made his bid to run Gotham.
Mr. Cobblepot, you are the coolest
role model a young person could have.
And you're the hottest young person...
...a role model could have.
Here.
Wear a button.
Let me just get it on here.
Thank you.
This mayor stuff is not about power,
it's about reaching out to people...
...touching people, groping people.
- Penguin...
- My name is not Penguin!
It's Oswald Cobblepot.
Oswald, there's somebody here to see you.
Just the pussy I've been looking for.
It's chilly in here.
I'll warm you.
Down, Oswald.
We need to talk.
You see...
...you and I have something in common.
Sounds familiar.
Appetite for destruction?
Contempt for the czars of fashion?
Wait, don't tell me.
Naked sexual charisma?
Batman.
The thorn in both our sides.
The fly in our ointment.
Ointment?
I've got scented and unscented.
I'll come back later.
Perchance, are you a registered voter?
I'm a mayoral prospect.
I have but one pet cause today:
Ban the Bat.
Oh, him again. No bother.
He's already history. Check it out.
We'll disassemble his Batmobile
and turn it into an H-bomb on wheels.
He'd have even more power as a martyr.
To destroy Batman, we must first
turn him into what he hates the most.
Namely, us.
Frame him?
Not even in office yet
and already an enemies list.
Those names are not for prying eyes.
Why should I trust some catbroad anyway?
Maybe you're a screwed-up sorority chick
getting back at her daddy...
...for not buying her that pony
when she turned sweet-sixteen.
Nice birdie.
Nice kitty.
Nice kitty.
Batman napalmed my arm.
He knocked me off a building just
when I started to feel good about myself.
I want to play an integral part
in his degradation.
A plan is forming.
I want in.
The thought of busting Batman
makes me feel all...
...dirty.
Maybe I'll just give myself a bath
right here.
I challenge the mayor...
...to re-light the Christmas tree
in Gotham Plaza tomorrow night.
Sir, shall we change the channel
to a program with some dignity and class?
The Love Connection perhaps?
...not that I have any faith in the mayor.
But I hope and pray...
...that Batman...
...will be present to preserve the peace.
Subtle.
Why are you doing this?
Selina?
Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.
Scare me? I was just scaring myself.
I don't see how, but...
It's nice to see you in the real world,
away from Shreck.
It's nice to be here.
Are you all right?
You look like you have the holiday blues
or something.
Boy, the news these days.
Weird!
I heard on TV that Catwoman
weighs 140 pounds.
How do these hacks sleep at night?
It's not even accurate. "Batman blows it"?
He probably saved millions
in property damage alone.
You're not going to the re-lighting
of the tree, are you?
I wouldn't be caught dead there.
It's going to be a hot time
in the cold town tonight.
You got kind of a dark side, don't you?
No darker than yours.
Why don't you come over
and we can watch it on TV?
The tree-lighting ceremony.
I can't. I have to be somewhere tonight.
How about coming for dinner at five?
Let's say six?
Five.
Five. You and me.
The tree lights up
and then I push the button.
Wait, wait.
I push the button, then the tree lights up.
Who are you?
Talent scout.
Come in.
I don't just light trees.
I'm an actress as well.
What is that thing?
A camera or something?
Say, "Cheese! "
Cheese.
Thanks, Alfred.
I'm sure he's wonderful company...
...but doesn't the "gold-plated-bachelor" bit
get a little stale?
A lot like the "lonely-secretary" syndrome,
I guess.
Executive Assistant.
Sorry.
Secretary.
Any girlfriend?
Sure.
You mean, as in serious?
No. Had one, didn't work.
What went wrong? Hang on!
I think I know!
You kept things from her.
I told her everything.
The truth frightened her?
There are two truths...
...you know?
She had trouble reconciling them
because I had trouble...
...reconciling them.
Vicki thought...
Vicki?
Ice skater or stewardess?
No, she was a photojournalist.
Was Vicki right about your...
...difficulty with duality?
You see...
...if I say yes, then...
...you'll think of me as a...
...Norman Bates, a Ted Bundy type and...
You might not let me kiss you.
It's the so-called normal guys
who always let you down.
Sickos never scare me.
At least they're committed.
I can't do that.
Neither can I.
This is a special bulletin.
The Ice Princess has been kidnapped.
Can you confirm reports of Batman's
suspected involvement in the abduction?
The evidence is purely circumstantial.
This was found, stained with blood,
in the missing girl's dressing room.
- I must go.
- No, it's your house.
Hold on. Just sit for a second and relax.
I'll be right back.
I've got to go to the plaza.
- He is begging me to show.
- I hoped you'd snub him.
I can't. There's been a kidnapping.
Here's what I want you to do.
Shit!
Tell Selina, Ms. Kyle,
I had to go out of town.
Tell her that a big business deal came up...
You know what?
Let her know, not in some kind of dumb,
"be-my-girlfriend" way...
I'll relay the message.
Mr. Wayne told me to tell you that...
Bruce, yes...
Would you tell him...
...l've been going through...
a lot of changes and...
Just that...
...this is not a rejection...
...my abruptly leaving.
In fact, he makes me feel the way...
...I hope I really am.
Could you just make up a sonnet or...
a dirty limerick?
One has just sprung to mind.
This way, ma'am.
Ladies and Gentlemen.
Please, may I have your attention?
I know that to many of you...
...Gotham seems a bit
beleaguered these days.
But I want you to know
your elected officials...
...and your police department...
...have the situation well in hand.
Got to hurry.
Thank you.
It was set up to look like I did it.
I'll tell the police I was kidnapped
by an ugly birdman with fish breath.
Did somebody say fish?
I haven't been fed all day.
Eat floor.
High fiber.
Hey, stud...
...I thought we had something together.
- We do.
Got to go. Girl talk.
She let me go. I think 'cause I reasoned
with her, girl-to-girl.
Be careful. Don't move.
Lawn dart!
Rats with wings, do your thing.
Batman pushed the Princess!
Hold your fire!
You're catnip to a girl like me.
Handsome, dazed...
...and to die for.
Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
But a kiss...
...can be even deadlier if you mean it.
You're the second man
who's killed me this week.
But I've got seven lives left.
I tried to save you...
Seems like every woman
you try to save ends up dead.
Or deeply resentful.
Maybe you should retire.
Damn.
Outstanding!
You're Beauty and the Beast...
...in one luscious Christmas gift pack.
You said you'd scare the Ice Princess.
She looked pretty scared to me.
A touch of the bubbly?
So what are we waiting for?
Let's consummate our fiendish union.
What?
Oh, come on.
Can't you picture?
It's dark in the mayor's mansion.
I'm bushed, so here you come
into the bedroom...
...twitching your little tail...
...my slippers in one hand,
a dry martini in the other.
Please.
I wouldn't touch you to scratch you.
You lousy minx! I should have you spayed!
You sent out all the signals!
I don't think I like you anymore!
Good-bye, my unintended.
Go to heaven.
There he is!
Don't adjust your sets.
Welcome...
...to the Oswald Cobblepot
School of Driving.
Gentlemen, start your screaming.
This may be a bad time to mention it,
but my license has expired!
Relax.
I'll take care of the squealing, wretched,
pinhead puppets of Gotham!
You must admit I played this stinking city
like a harp from hell!
Helpless old lady at 12:00 high!
That's funny.
Now I'm a little worried.
So he survived. Why worry?
He didn't even lose a limb!
An eyeball! Bladder control!
Listen to them. They've lost faith
in old symbols.
They're ready to bond with you,
the icon of the future.
If it works, don't fix it.
We'll celebrate tonight at my annual ball.
Shreck and Cobblepot...
...the visionary alliance.
When it came time...
...to ensure the safety of our fair city...
...did the mayor have a plan?
No!
He relied on a man.
A Batman.
A ticking time-bomb of a costumed freak...
Our prime concern is
this ghastly grotesque.
But let's not forget about
repairing the Batmobile.
There's security to consider.
We can't just take it to any old body shop.
Security?
Who let Vicki Vale into the Batcave?
I'm working, I turn around and there she is.
"Hi, Vick. Come on in."
- Ready?
- I'll take the stairs.
You ask... am I up here for personal glory?
No.
The glory that I yearn to recapture...
...is the glory of Gotham!
How can this be accomplished?
I know...
...you're all concerned.
Relax.
I'll take care of the squealing, wretched,
pinhead puppets of Gotham.
I didn't say that.
You must admit I played
this stinking city...
...like a harp from hell!
You must admit...
...I played this stinking city
like a harp from hell!
Why is there always someone who brings
eggs and tomatoes to a speech?
There he is!
My babies.
Did you miss me?
Did you miss me?
Great speech, Oswald.
My name is not Oswald!
It's Penguin!
I am not a human being!
I am an animal. Cold-blooded!
Crank the A.C.!
Where are my lists? Bring me the names!
It's time.
These are the names of the first-born sons
of Gotham City.
Just like I was.
And like me, a terrible fate waits for them.
Tonight, while their parents party...
...they'll be dreaming away...
...in their safe cribs...
...their soft beds...
...and we'll snatch them...
...carry them into the sewer...
...and toss them into a deep, dark,
watery grave.
Penguin?
Killing sleeping children...
...isn't that a little...
No, it's a lot.
A reminder.
Tonight is that loathsome party hosted
by the odious Mr. Shreck.
May we RSVP
in the resoundingly negative?
Not interested.
Although...
...Selina Kyle might be there.
Ingenious costume.
Let me guess.
Trust-fund goody-goody?
Feeling good?
You almost made a monster the mayor
of Gotham City.
I am the light of this city...
...and I am its mean, twisted soul.
Does it matter who's mayor?
It does to me.
Yawn.
I'm sorry about yesterday, but I had...
...a pretty big deal come through.
Fall through, actually.
It's okay. I had to go home
and feed my cat.
No hard feelings then?
Actually...
...semi-hard, I'd say.
There's a big, comfy California King
over in Bedding.
Why don't we...
Take off our costumes?
I'm tired of wearing masks.
Me too.
Let me ask you something.
Why'd you come tonight?
- You first.
- To see you.
Lovely.
I wish I could say the same,
but I came for Max.
Do you mean you...
Not you and Max?
Me and Max?
No. This and Max.
Don't tell me killing Max
won't solve anything, because it will.
Aren't you tired of this
sanctimonious robber baron...
...coming out on top when
he should be six feet under?
You may have problems with your boss,
but who do you think you are?
I don't know anymore, Bruce.
A kiss under the mistletoe.
"Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it."
"But a kiss can be even deadlier...
"...if you mean it."
Oh, my God.
Does this mean we have to start fighting?
Let's go outside.
- Are you okay?
- I'm all right.
You didn't invite me...
...so I crashed!
What do you want?
Right now, my troops...
...are fanning out across town...
...for your children!
Yes!
For your first-born sons!
The ones you left defenseless at home...
...so you could dress up like jerks...
...get juiced and dance...
...badly!
I've personally come...
...for Gotham's favorite son...
...Mr. Chip Shreck.
You're coming with me,
you Great White Dope...
...to die, way down in the sewer!
Not Chip. If you have any human feeling,
take me instead.
I don't. So, no!
I'm the one you want.
Isn't it Max Shreck who manipulated
and betrayed you?
Isn't it Max, not Chip...
...you want to see immersed
to his eyeballs in raw sewage?
Okay, you got a point.
I'll let the little prince live, for now.
In the duck!
This is going to be good...
...to cut down a whole crop
of Gotham's most promising...
...before their prime.
You ask me... how do I lure them in?
A little "Pied Penguin" action.
And you get to watch them sink...
...into a deep puddle...
...of your industrial by-products.
Then...
...you join them.
Hurry up and get those kids loaded.
Right this way, kiddies.
Come with me.
So where are all the children?
"Dear Penguin:
"The children regret
they're unable to attend.
"Batman! "
My dear penguins...
...we stand on a great threshold!
It's okay to be scared!
Many of you won't be coming back.
Thanks to Batman...
...the time has come...
...to punish all God's children!
First-, second-, third- And fourth-born!
Why be biased?
Male and female!
Hell, the sexes are equal...
...with their erogenous zones...
...blown sky-high!
Forward...
...march!
The liberation of Gotham...
...has begun!
The penguins are moving above ground.
Penguin army...
...approaching launch destination
at Gotham Plaza.
One minute until ignition.
They wouldn't put me on a pedestal...
...so I'm laying them on a slab!
Penguins seem to be converging
on Gotham Plaza.
Thirty seconds until ignition.
Estimated casualties after launch:
The penguins have reached
Gotham Square.
Fifteen seconds to ignition.
Ready when you are, sir.
I've got the coordinates.
Let's turn them around.
Something is wrong.
Something has jammed the signal.
They seem to be turning around.
There is also something coming this way.
Very large. Very fast.
Who's there?
I'm homing in on the signal's origin.
You're jealous
because I'm a genuine freak...
...and you have to wear a mask!
You might be right.
But what it all comes down to is:
Who's holding the umbrella?
My babies!
I don't know what you want,
but I can get it with a minimum of fuss.
Money.
Jewels.
A very big ball of string.
Your blood, Max.
I gave at the office.
A half-pint. I'm talking gallons.
Let's make a deal!
Other than my blood, what can I do?
Sorry, Max. A die for a die.
You're not just saving a life...
Shut up. You're going to jail.
Don't be naive. The law doesn't
apply to people like him... or us.
Wrong on both counts.
Why do this?
Let's just take him to the police.
Then we can go home...
...together.
Selina...
...don't you see?
We're the same.
We're the same.
Split...
...down the center.
Please.
Bruce...
...I would love to live with you
in your castle...
...forever, just like in a fairy tale.
I just couldn't live with myself.
Don't pretend this is a happy ending.
Selina Kyle.
You're fired.
And Bruce Wayne...
...why are you dressed up like Batman?
Because he is Batman, you moron!
Was.
Don't.
You killed me, the Penguin killed me,
Batman killed me.
Three lives down.
Got enough to finish me off?
One way to find out.
Four.
Five.
Still alive!
Six.
Seven.
All good girls go to heaven.
Two lives left.
I'll save one for next Christmas.
But in the meantime...
...how about a kiss, Santie Claus?
Shit!
I picked a cute one.
The heat's getting to me.
I'll murder you momentarily.
But first...
...I need a cool drink...
...of ice water.
Stop the car.
Come what may...
...Merry Christmas, Mr. Wayne.
Merry Christmas, Alfred.
Goodwill toward men.
And women.
- Merry Christmas.
Penguin sighting! Man or myth?
What is he? Today's edition.
Another penguin sighting.
Another penguin sighting! Check it out!
Penguin man living in Gotham's sewers!
Read all about the latest sighting!
May I have your attention, Gotham City?
It is time for tonight's lighting of the tree.
How about that?
Part man, part penguin! All horrifying!
Find out for only 50 cents! Come on!
Read about the possible terror
beneath our feet! Check it out!
Read about it!
Missing link between man and bird.
My dear boy...
...sometimes it's a diversion
to read such rubbish.
Usually, it's a waste of time.
Whatever. Today's issue!
"The Penguin: Man or myth?"
The Globe! Right here! 25 cents!
Well, here's hoping.
With luck, Gotham will have its first
merry Christmas in years.
I feel almost vulgar at Yuletide...
...mentioning the new power plant.
But if we're to break ground
when we must, I'll need permits...
...variances, tax incentives.
That sort of pesky nonsense.
Power plant?
Studies show we've enough power to get
us into the middle of the next century.
Your analysts foresee growth
at 1% per annum. That's a mild swelling.
Imagine...
...a Gotham City...
...of the future, lit up like a blanket
of stars...
...but blinking on and off...
...embarrassingly low on juice.
Frankly...
...I cringe, Mr. Mayor.
Sorry, any plans must go
to the usual committees...
...through the usual channels.
I have a suggestion.
Well...
...actually, really, just more like a question.
I'm afraid we haven't
properly housebroken Ms. Kyle.
In the plus column, though...
...she makes great coffee.
Dad.
Mr. Mayor. Time to go down
and bring joy to the masses.
"Actually, more of a question."
You stupid corn dog.
Corn dog, corn dog.
I have enough signatures
from Shreck employees to warrant a recall.
That's not a threat, just simple numbers.
Maybe. But you sure as hell
don't have an issue or a candidate.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
From those of us at City Hall
to each and every one of you...
...happy holidays.
We have with us a man who needs
no introduction, he's given us so much.
Please welcome Gotham's
own Santa Claus, Max Shreck.
Pick up those contracts for Personnel and...
...pick up the dry cleaning
and paper towels...
Darn!
I forgot my speech.
Remind me to take it out
on what's-her-name.
Santa Claus?
Afraid not.
I'm just a poor schmo. Got lucky.
Sue me...
...if I want to give some back.
I only wish I could hand out more
than just...
...expensive baubles.
I wish I could hand out world peace...
...and unconditional love...
...wrapped in a big bow.
Oh, but you can.
Oh, but you will.
Merry Christmas.
Great idea.
Not mine.
What are you waiting for? The signal!
We want the big guy!
The guy who runs the show!
What do you want?
Not you!
Shreck!
You'll have to go through me.
Dad, go! Save yourself!
Dad, go!
Shut up!
Take one step closer, Mr. Manbat, and I'll...
You missed.
The Batman.
Or is it just "Batman"?
Your choice, of course.
Well, that was...
...very brief.
Just like all the men in my life.
What men?
Well...
...then again, there's you.
But you need therapy.
Thanks for saving the day, Batman.
The Circus Gang is back.
We'll see.
They almost made off with our mover
and shaker, Max Shreck.
Where is that insufferable son of a bitch?
I believe the word you're looking for is...
Actually, this is all just a bad dream.
You're at home in bed...
...heavily sedated, resting comfortably...
...dying from the carcinogens
you've personally spewed...
...in a lifetime of profiteering.
Tragic irony...
...or poetic justice?
You tell me.
My God, it's true.
Penguin Man of the sewer.
Odd as it may seem, Max...
...you and I have something in common:
We're both perceived as monsters.
But somehow...
...you're a well-respected monster...
...and I am, to date...
...not!
Frankly, I feel that's a bum rap.
I'm a businessman.
Tough, yes.
Shrewd, okay. But that does not
make me a monster.
Don't embarrass yourself, Max!
I know all about you.
What you hide, I discover.
What you put in your toilet...
...I place on my mantle. Get the picture?
Is that supposed to hypnotize me?
No, just give you a splitting headache.
It's not working.
Oh, you big baby!
Just blanks.
Would I go through all this trouble
just to kill you?
No, Max.
I have an entirely other purpose.
I'm ready, Max.
I've been down here too long.
It's time for me to ascend...
...to re-emerge...
...with your help...
...your know-how...
...your savvy.
I wasn't born in the sewer, you know.
I come from...
...like you.
And, like you, I want some respect!
A recognition of my basic humanity.
But most of all...
...I want to find out who I am...
...by finding my parents...
...learning my human name.
Simple stuff that the good people
of Gotham take for granted!
And...
...exactly why am I going to help you?
Well...
Let's start.
Let's see what we have in here.
A batch of toxic waste...
...from your clean textile plant!
There's a whole lagoon of this crud
in the back!
It could have come from anywhere.
What about the documents that prove you
own half of the firetraps in Gotham City?
If there were such documents...
...that's not an admission...
...they would've been shredded.
Good idea.
A lot of tape and a little patience
make all the difference.
By the way...
...how's Fred Atkins, your old partner?
Fred?
Fred's actually...
I believe he's on an extended vacation.
He's good.
Good.
Hiya, Max. Remember me?
I'm Fred's hand!
Want to greet any other body parts?
Remember, Max...
...you flush it, I flaunt it.
You know what, Mr. Penguin, sir?
I think, perhaps...
...I could help orchestrate
a "Welcome Home" scenario for you.
Once we're both back home,
perhaps we could help each other.
You won't regret this, Mr. Shreck.
Honey, I'm home!
Oh, I forgot. I'm not married.
Miss Kitty.
Back from more sexual escapades
you refuse to share?
Not that I'd ever pry.
Drink your dinner.
What?
How can anyone be so pathetic?
Yes, to you I seem pathetic,
but I'm a working girl.
Must pay the rent. Maybe if you
chipped in instead of stepping out.
Selina, dear, it's your mother.
Just calling to say hello.
Yeah, but...
But I'm disappointed you're not
coming home for Christmas.
I want to discuss why you insist
on languishing in Gotham City...
...as some lowly secretary.
Lowly assistant.
Selina, about that Christmas getaway
we planned...
I'll be going alone. Dr. Shaw says I need
to be my own person, not an appendage.
Some appendage!
The party never stops
on Selina Kyle's answering machine.
I should've let him win
that last racquetball game.
Hello...
...Selina Kyle.
We're calling to tell you about exciting,
new Gotham Lady perfume.
It makes women feel like women...
and the men have no complaints either.
This is yourself reminding you to come
all the way back to the office...
...if you forgot the Bruce Wayne file...
- You stupid corn dog!
Working late?
I'm just boning up for your Bruce Wayne
meeting in the morning.
I pulled all the files
on the proposed power plant...
...and Mr. Wayne's hoped-for investment.
I even opened the protected files...
How industrious!
How did you open the protected files?
May I ask?
I figured your password was "Geraldo,"
your Chihuahua, and it was.
This is all very interesting,
though a bit on the technical side...
...about how the power plant
is a power plant in name only...
...since, in fact, it's going to be a big,
giant...
...big, giant... capacitor.
And, instead of generating power,
it'll be sucking power from...
...Gotham City...
...and storing it...
...stockpiling it...
...which is a very novel approach, I'd say.
Who'd you say this to?
Nobody.
What did curiosity do to the cat?
I'm no cat.
I'm just an assistant.
A secretary.
And a very good one.
Too good?
Listen...
...it's our secret. Honest.
How can you be so mean
to someone so meaningless?
This power plant...
...is my legacy. It's what I leave behind.
For Chip.
Nothing must prevent that.
Go ahead. Intimidate me.
Bully me, if it makes you feel big.
It's not like you can kill me!
Actually, it's a lot like that.
For a second, you really frightened me.
Really?
Honey, I'm home!
Oh, I forgot. I'm not married.
Selina, this is your mother. Call me.
Selina, this is your mother.
Why haven't you called me back?
Hello, Selina Kyle.
We're just calling to make sure
you've tried Gotham Lady perfume.
One whiff of this and your boss
will ask you to stay after work...
...for a candlelight staff meeting for two.
Gotham Lady perfume.
Exclusively at Shreck's department store.
I don't know about you,
Miss Kitty, but I feel...
...so much yummier.
Ladies and gentlemen:
I stand before you again to denounce
the urban chaos we live with in our city.
It's got to stop.
It's going to stop!
Our community is coming apart...
...in a season when
it should be coming together.
I don't care what the cynics may say.
This is the Christmas season...
...and should be a healing time.
I say that not only as an official...
...but as a husband and a father.
Last night's violence won't happen again.
I'm not good at speeches,
so I'll just say, "Thanks. "
It's the hideous Penguin Man.
Take the baby. Just don't hurt me, please!
This was the remarkable scene
only minutes ago in Gotham Plaza.
The mysterious Penguin saving the life
of the mayor's baby...
...and announcing his presence.
- All I want in return...
...is a chance...
...to find my mom and dad.
A chance to find out who they are...
...and thusly...
...who I am.
And then...
...with my parents...
...try to understand... why.
Why they did what I guess
they felt they had to do...
...to a child...
...who was born...
...a little different.
A child...
...who spent his first Christmas...
...and many since...
...in a sewer.
Mr. Wayne? Something wrong?
His parents.
This scene, direct from Gotham Plaza.
I hope he finds them.
Here he is, standing alongside
Gotham's leading citizen, Max Shreck.
How about a statement?
People want to know.
- Penguin's not to be disturbed!
- It's a public place!
- Walk. Now. Move.
- Freedom of the press!
Wait a minute.
What about the freedom
to rediscover your roots...
...with dignity and privacy?
Is the Penguin a personal friend?
He's a personal friend of the whole city,
so have a heart.
Give the Constitution a rest.
It's Christmas.
"Red Triangle Circus put on
a swell show with fierce lions.
"Circus returns for a two-week...
"Kids will love..."
Thanks.
It's cold!
It's vichyssoise.
It's supposed to be cold.
"Circus is back with a freak show,
may not be suitable for kids...
"...featuring a poodle lady...
"...the world's fattest man...
"...and Aquatic Bird Boy."
Why are you determined to prove...
...that this Penguin is not what he seems?
Must you be the only lonely "man-beast"
in town?
"The circus folded its tents yesterday...
"...after reports of missing children
in several towns.
"Police have closed down
the Red Triangle fairgrounds.
"However, at least one
freak-show performer vanished before...
"...he could be questioned."
I suppose you feel better now.
No.
Actually, I feel worse.
Why're you still out?
Are you concerned about that strange,
heroic Penguin person?
I think he knows who his parents are.
There's something else.
Mr. Penguin...
A penguin is a bird that cannot fly!
I am a man!
I have a name!
Oswald Cobblepot!
You'll never be able to settle with them?
True.
I was their "Number-One" son...
...and they treated me like number two.
But it's human nature to fear...
...the unusual.
Perhaps...
...when I held my...
...Tiffany baby rattle...
...with a shiny flipper...
...instead of five chubby digits...
...they freaked.
But I forgive them.
"Penguin forgives parents!
'I'm at peace with myself and the world!
"'Don't need hands as long
as you got heart.
"'My heart is filled with love.
I feel five feet tall."'
- He's like a frog that became a prince.
- No, he's more like a penguin.
Now, now, pretty little thing.
Nice and easy.
I love a big, strong man who's not afraid
to show it with someone half his size.
Be gentle, it's my first time.
Tic-tac-toe.
You make it easy, don't you?
Always waiting for some Batman
to save you.
I am Catwoman...
...hear me roar.
I'd offer you coffee, but my assistant
is using her vacation time.
Good time. Everyone but the bandits'll
be slacking off till after the New Year.
I'm not sure I like the inference.
I didn't realize I made one.
I'm pushing this power plant now
because it'll cost more later.
A million saved is a million earned.
I commissioned this report.
Take a look at it.
Gotham City has a power surplus.
I'm sure you know that.
My question is:
What's your angle?
"Power surplus?" Bruce, shame on you!
No such thing. One can never have
too much power.
If my life has a meaning,
that's the meaning.
I'll fight you. I've already spoken
to the mayor and we agree.
Mayors come and go.
Blue bloods tire easily.
Can you go 15 rounds
with Muhammad Shreck?
I guess we'll find out.
Of course, I don't have a crime boss
like Cobblepot in my corner.
"Crime boss?" Shows what you know...
..."Mr. To-The-Manor-Born-
With-A-Silver-Spoon."
Oswald is Gotham's new golden boy.
If his parents hadn't 86'ed him,
you'd have been bunkies at prep school.
He controls the Red Triangle Gang.
I can't prove it yet, but we both...
I'll not stand for mud-slinging here.
If my assistant was here,
she'd have already escorted you out...
Anywhere he wants.
Preferably some nightspot grotto...
...or...
...secluded hideaway.
Nice suit.
That's my name, don't wear it out
or I'll make you buy me a new one.
This is Bruce...
...Wayne.
We've met.
Have we?
No, I'm sorry. I mistook me
for somebody else.
You mean, "mistook me."
Isn't that what I said?
I don't think so.
What happened?
Did you hurt yourself... on that ski slope?
Is that why you cut short your vacation?
Came back?
It's a blur.
Not complete amnesia. I remember
Sister Mary Margaret puking in church...
...and Betsy saying
it was morning sickness.
And the time I forgot to wear
my underpants to school...
...and the name of the boy who noticed
was Ricky Friedburg.
He's dead now.
But last night...
...complete blur.
Couldn't you just die?
Please...
...show out Mr. Wayne.
With pleasure.
Your coat, Mr. Wayne.
You don't seem like the type
who does business with Shreck.
No. You don't seem like the type
to take orders from him.
Well, that's a...
...long story.
I could free up some time.
- I'm listed.
- I'm tempted.
I'm working.
I'm leaving.
You buy that blurry business?
Women.
Nothing surprises me...
...except your late mother.
Who'd have thought Selina
had a brain to damage?
Bottom line?
She tries to blackmail me,
I'll drop her out of a higher window.
Meantime...
...l've got badder fish to fry.
Oswald...
...it's Max.
You're home?
How've you been?
Your extended family?
Good to have a family.
I'd rather not be disturbed now.
Come on downstairs, Oswald.
I have a surprise.
I don't like surprises.
Come on.
Don't peek.
You'll spoil it.
Adulation is a cross to bear.
God knows I know.
But someone's got to supplant our
standing in the way of progress, Mayor.
And don't deny it, Mr. Cobblepot,
you've got the magic.
Your charisma's bigger than both of us.
Come on down.
Mayor?
Mayor.
Elections happen in November.
It's late December.
Don't worry.
I want you to meet Jen and Josh,
my image consultants.
Here.
Reclaim your birthright.
I'm Jen.
Okay, let's see. What I'd like to do first
is put these gloves on you.
Our research tells us
that voters like fingers.
So if we were to just lose this...
We'll do it another time.
Not a lot of reflective surfaces
in the sewer, huh?
Still, it could be worse.
My nose could be gushing blood.
What do you mean by that?
Everybody, back to work!
Let's make...
...a mayor!
You're right, we missed
the regular election...
...but elected officials can be recalled,
impeached...
...given the boot. Look at Nixon, Agnew.
Then think of you...
...Oswald Cobblepot, filling the void.
I'd like to fill her void.
We'll need signatures to overturn
the ballot. I can supply those.
- Teach her my French flipper trick.
- We need one more thing.
A platform?
Stop global warming. Start global cooling.
Make the world an icebox.
I like it. But to get the mayor recalled,
we must have a catalyst.
"You're doing great, Mayor Cobblepot."
"Your table is ready, Mayor Cobblepot."
"I need you, Oswald. I need you now! "
"That's the biggest parasol I've ever seen."
Soon an incident like the Gulf of Tonkin,
or the Reichstag fire...
You want my old friends up there...
...to drive the mayor into a foaming frenzy?
- Exactly.
- Sounds fun.
But...
...I mustn't get sidetracked, Maxie.
I have my own things to tend to.
"Sidetracked?" This is your chance
to fulfill your destiny...
...that your parents carelessly discarded.
Reclaim my birthright, you mean?
Imagine, as mayor,
you have the ear of the media...
...access to the captains of industry...
...unlimited poontang.
You drive a hard bargain, Maxie.
All right, I'll be mayor.
Burn, baby, burn!
- Who is she?
- What is she?
I don't know whether to open fire
or fall in love.
You poor guys.
Always confusing your pistols
with your privates.
Don't hurt us. Our take-home's
less than $300.
You're overpaid. Hit the road.
Go ahead and hit me.
Admiring your handiwork?
Touring the riot scene.
Gravely assessing the devastation.
"Upstanding-Mayor" stuff.
You're not the mayor.
Things change.
What do you want?
The direct approach.
I admire that in a man with a mask.
You don't really think you'll win, do you?
Things change.
I saw her first. Got to fly.
How could you? I'm a woman!
I'm sorry.
As I was saying, I'm a woman
and can't be taken for granted.
Life's a bitch, now so am I.
Who are you?
Who's the man behind the bat?
Maybe you can help me find...
...the woman...
...behind the cat.
No, that's not you.
There you are.
Saved by Kitty Litter.
Bastard!
Alfred...
...bring me some antiseptic ointment.
Coming. Are you in pain, sir?
Not really.
I may have saved the mayor's baby...
...but I refuse to save a mayor...
...who stood by, helpless as a baby...
...while Gotham was ravaged
by a disease...
...that turned Eagle Scouts
into crazed clowns...
...and happy homemakers into catwomen.
Thank you.
Oswald Cobblepot, the mystery man-beast,
made his bid to run Gotham.
Mr. Cobblepot, you are the coolest
role model a young person could have.
And you're the hottest young person...
...a role model could have.
Here.
Wear a button.
Let me just get it on here.
Thank you.
This mayor stuff is not about power,
it's about reaching out to people...
...touching people, groping people.
- Penguin...
- My name is not Penguin!
It's Oswald Cobblepot.
Oswald, there's somebody here to see you.
Just the pussy I've been looking for.
It's chilly in here.
I'll warm you.
Down, Oswald.
We need to talk.
You see...
...you and I have something in common.
Sounds familiar.
Appetite for destruction?
Contempt for the czars of fashion?
Wait, don't tell me.
Naked sexual charisma?
Batman.
The thorn in both our sides.
The fly in our ointment.
Ointment?
I've got scented and unscented.
I'll come back later.
Perchance, are you a registered voter?
I'm a mayoral prospect.
I have but one pet cause today:
Ban the Bat.
Oh, him again. No bother.
He's already history. Check it out.
We'll disassemble his Batmobile
and turn it into an H-bomb on wheels.
He'd have even more power as a martyr.
To destroy Batman, we must first
turn him into what he hates the most.
Namely, us.
Frame him?
Not even in office yet
and already an enemies list.
Those names are not for prying eyes.
Why should I trust some catbroad anyway?
Maybe you're a screwed-up sorority chick
getting back at her daddy...
...for not buying her that pony
when she turned sweet-sixteen.
Nice birdie.
Nice kitty.
Nice kitty.
Batman napalmed my arm.
He knocked me off a building just
when I started to feel good about myself.
I want to play an integral part
in his degradation.
A plan is forming.
I want in.
The thought of busting Batman
makes me feel all...
...dirty.
Maybe I'll just give myself a bath
right here.
I challenge the mayor...
...to re-light the Christmas tree
in Gotham Plaza tomorrow night.
Sir, shall we change the channel
to a program with some dignity and class?
The Love Connection perhaps?
...not that I have any faith in the mayor.
But I hope and pray...
...that Batman...
...will be present to preserve the peace.
Subtle.
Why are you doing this?
Selina?
Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.
Scare me? I was just scaring myself.
I don't see how, but...
It's nice to see you in the real world,
away from Shreck.
It's nice to be here.
Are you all right?
You look like you have the holiday blues
or something.
Boy, the news these days.
Weird!
I heard on TV that Catwoman
weighs 140 pounds.
How do these hacks sleep at night?
It's not even accurate. "Batman blows it"?
He probably saved millions
in property damage alone.
You're not going to the re-lighting
of the tree, are you?
I wouldn't be caught dead there.
It's going to be a hot time
in the cold town tonight.
You got kind of a dark side, don't you?
No darker than yours.
Why don't you come over
and we can watch it on TV?
The tree-lighting ceremony.
I can't. I have to be somewhere tonight.
How about coming for dinner at five?
Let's say six?
Five.
Five. You and me.
The tree lights up
and then I push the button.
Wait, wait.
I push the button, then the tree lights up.
Who are you?
Talent scout.
Come in.
I don't just light trees.
I'm an actress as well.
What is that thing?
A camera or something?
Say, "Cheese! "
Cheese.
Thanks, Alfred.
I'm sure he's wonderful company...
...but doesn't the "gold-plated-bachelor" bit
get a little stale?
A lot like the "lonely-secretary" syndrome,
I guess.
Executive Assistant.
Sorry.
Secretary.
Any girlfriend?
Sure.
You mean, as in serious?
No. Had one, didn't work.
What went wrong? Hang on!
I think I know!
You kept things from her.
I told her everything.
The truth frightened her?
There are two truths...
...you know?
She had trouble reconciling them
because I had trouble...
...reconciling them.
Vicki thought...
Vicki?
Ice skater or stewardess?
No, she was a photojournalist.
Was Vicki right about your...
...difficulty with duality?
You see...
...if I say yes, then...
...you'll think of me as a...
...Norman Bates, a Ted Bundy type and...
You might not let me kiss you.
It's the so-called normal guys
who always let you down.
Sickos never scare me.
At least they're committed.
I can't do that.
Neither can I.
This is a special bulletin.
The Ice Princess has been kidnapped.
Can you confirm reports of Batman's
suspected involvement in the abduction?
The evidence is purely circumstantial.
This was found, stained with blood,
in the missing girl's dressing room.
- I must go.
- No, it's your house.
Hold on. Just sit for a second and relax.
I'll be right back.
I've got to go to the plaza.
- He is begging me to show.
- I hoped you'd snub him.
I can't. There's been a kidnapping.
Here's what I want you to do.
Shit!
Tell Selina, Ms. Kyle,
I had to go out of town.
Tell her that a big business deal came up...
You know what?
Let her know, not in some kind of dumb,
"be-my-girlfriend" way...
I'll relay the message.
Mr. Wayne told me to tell you that...
Bruce, yes...
Would you tell him...
...l've been going through...
a lot of changes and...
Just that...
...this is not a rejection...
...my abruptly leaving.
In fact, he makes me feel the way...
...I hope I really am.
Could you just make up a sonnet or...
a dirty limerick?
One has just sprung to mind.
This way, ma'am.
Ladies and Gentlemen.
Please, may I have your attention?
I know that to many of you...
...Gotham seems a bit
beleaguered these days.
But I want you to know
your elected officials...
...and your police department...
...have the situation well in hand.
Got to hurry.
Thank you.
It was set up to look like I did it.
I'll tell the police I was kidnapped
by an ugly birdman with fish breath.
Did somebody say fish?
I haven't been fed all day.
Eat floor.
High fiber.
Hey, stud...
...I thought we had something together.
- We do.
Got to go. Girl talk.
She let me go. I think 'cause I reasoned
with her, girl-to-girl.
Be careful. Don't move.
Lawn dart!
Rats with wings, do your thing.
Batman pushed the Princess!
Hold your fire!
You're catnip to a girl like me.
Handsome, dazed...
...and to die for.
Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
But a kiss...
...can be even deadlier if you mean it.
You're the second man
who's killed me this week.
But I've got seven lives left.
I tried to save you...
Seems like every woman
you try to save ends up dead.
Or deeply resentful.
Maybe you should retire.
Damn.
Outstanding!
You're Beauty and the Beast...
...in one luscious Christmas gift pack.
You said you'd scare the Ice Princess.
She looked pretty scared to me.
A touch of the bubbly?
So what are we waiting for?
Let's consummate our fiendish union.
What?
Oh, come on.
Can't you picture?
It's dark in the mayor's mansion.
I'm bushed, so here you come
into the bedroom...
...twitching your little tail...
...my slippers in one hand,
a dry martini in the other.
Please.
I wouldn't touch you to scratch you.
You lousy minx! I should have you spayed!
You sent out all the signals!
I don't think I like you anymore!
Good-bye, my unintended.
Go to heaven.
There he is!
Don't adjust your sets.
Welcome...
...to the Oswald Cobblepot
School of Driving.
Gentlemen, start your screaming.
This may be a bad time to mention it,
but my license has expired!
Relax.
I'll take care of the squealing, wretched,
pinhead puppets of Gotham!
You must admit I played this stinking city
like a harp from hell!
Helpless old lady at 12:00 high!
That's funny.
Now I'm a little worried.
So he survived. Why worry?
He didn't even lose a limb!
An eyeball! Bladder control!
Listen to them. They've lost faith
in old symbols.
They're ready to bond with you,
the icon of the future.
If it works, don't fix it.
We'll celebrate tonight at my annual ball.
Shreck and Cobblepot...
...the visionary alliance.
When it came time...
...to ensure the safety of our fair city...
...did the mayor have a plan?
No!
He relied on a man.
A Batman.
A ticking time-bomb of a costumed freak...
Our prime concern is
this ghastly grotesque.
But let's not forget about
repairing the Batmobile.
There's security to consider.
We can't just take it to any old body shop.
Security?
Who let Vicki Vale into the Batcave?
I'm working, I turn around and there she is.
"Hi, Vick. Come on in."
- Ready?
- I'll take the stairs.
You ask... am I up here for personal glory?
No.
The glory that I yearn to recapture...
...is the glory of Gotham!
How can this be accomplished?
I know...
...you're all concerned.
Relax.
I'll take care of the squealing, wretched,
pinhead puppets of Gotham.
I didn't say that.
You must admit I played
this stinking city...
...like a harp from hell!
You must admit...
...I played this stinking city
like a harp from hell!
Why is there always someone who brings
eggs and tomatoes to a speech?
There he is!
My babies.
Did you miss me?
Did you miss me?
Great speech, Oswald.
My name is not Oswald!
It's Penguin!
I am not a human being!
I am an animal. Cold-blooded!
Crank the A.C.!
Where are my lists? Bring me the names!
It's time.
These are the names of the first-born sons
of Gotham City.
Just like I was.
And like me, a terrible fate waits for them.
Tonight, while their parents party...
...they'll be dreaming away...
...in their safe cribs...
...their soft beds...
...and we'll snatch them...
...carry them into the sewer...
...and toss them into a deep, dark,
watery grave.
Penguin?
Killing sleeping children...
...isn't that a little...
No, it's a lot.
A reminder.
Tonight is that loathsome party hosted
by the odious Mr. Shreck.
May we RSVP
in the resoundingly negative?
Not interested.
Although...
...Selina Kyle might be there.
Ingenious costume.
Let me guess.
Trust-fund goody-goody?
Feeling good?
You almost made a monster the mayor
of Gotham City.
I am the light of this city...
...and I am its mean, twisted soul.
Does it matter who's mayor?
It does to me.
Yawn.
I'm sorry about yesterday, but I had...
...a pretty big deal come through.
Fall through, actually.
It's okay. I had to go home
and feed my cat.
No hard feelings then?
Actually...
...semi-hard, I'd say.
There's a big, comfy California King
over in Bedding.
Why don't we...
Take off our costumes?
I'm tired of wearing masks.
Me too.
Let me ask you something.
Why'd you come tonight?
- You first.
- To see you.
Lovely.
I wish I could say the same,
but I came for Max.
Do you mean you...
Not you and Max?
Me and Max?
No. This and Max.
Don't tell me killing Max
won't solve anything, because it will.
Aren't you tired of this
sanctimonious robber baron...
...coming out on top when
he should be six feet under?
You may have problems with your boss,
but who do you think you are?
I don't know anymore, Bruce.
A kiss under the mistletoe.
"Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it."
"But a kiss can be even deadlier...
"...if you mean it."
Oh, my God.
Does this mean we have to start fighting?
Let's go outside.
- Are you okay?
- I'm all right.
You didn't invite me...
...so I crashed!
What do you want?
Right now, my troops...
...are fanning out across town...
...for your children!
Yes!
For your first-born sons!
The ones you left defenseless at home...
...so you could dress up like jerks...
...get juiced and dance...
...badly!
I've personally come...
...for Gotham's favorite son...
...Mr. Chip Shreck.
You're coming with me,
you Great White Dope...
...to die, way down in the sewer!
Not Chip. If you have any human feeling,
take me instead.
I don't. So, no!
I'm the one you want.
Isn't it Max Shreck who manipulated
and betrayed you?
Isn't it Max, not Chip...
...you want to see immersed
to his eyeballs in raw sewage?
Okay, you got a point.
I'll let the little prince live, for now.
In the duck!
This is going to be good...
...to cut down a whole crop
of Gotham's most promising...
...before their prime.
You ask me... how do I lure them in?
A little "Pied Penguin" action.
And you get to watch them sink...
...into a deep puddle...
...of your industrial by-products.
Then...
...you join them.
Hurry up and get those kids loaded.
Right this way, kiddies.
Come with me.
So where are all the children?
"Dear Penguin:
"The children regret
they're unable to attend.
"Batman! "
My dear penguins...
...we stand on a great threshold!
It's okay to be scared!
Many of you won't be coming back.
Thanks to Batman...
...the time has come...
...to punish all God's children!
First-, second-, third- And fourth-born!
Why be biased?
Male and female!
Hell, the sexes are equal...
...with their erogenous zones...
...blown sky-high!
Forward...
...march!
The liberation of Gotham...
...has begun!
The penguins are moving above ground.
Penguin army...
...approaching launch destination
at Gotham Plaza.
One minute until ignition.
They wouldn't put me on a pedestal...
...so I'm laying them on a slab!
Penguins seem to be converging
on Gotham Plaza.
Thirty seconds until ignition.
Estimated casualties after launch:
The penguins have reached
Gotham Square.
Fifteen seconds to ignition.
Ready when you are, sir.
I've got the coordinates.
Let's turn them around.
Something is wrong.
Something has jammed the signal.
They seem to be turning around.
There is also something coming this way.
Very large. Very fast.
Who's there?
I'm homing in on the signal's origin.
You're jealous
because I'm a genuine freak...
...and you have to wear a mask!
You might be right.
But what it all comes down to is:
Who's holding the umbrella?
My babies!
I don't know what you want,
but I can get it with a minimum of fuss.
Money.
Jewels.
A very big ball of string.
Your blood, Max.
I gave at the office.
A half-pint. I'm talking gallons.
Let's make a deal!
Other than my blood, what can I do?
Sorry, Max. A die for a die.
You're not just saving a life...
Shut up. You're going to jail.
Don't be naive. The law doesn't
apply to people like him... or us.
Wrong on both counts.
Why do this?
Let's just take him to the police.
Then we can go home...
...together.
Selina...
...don't you see?
We're the same.
We're the same.
Split...
...down the center.
Please.
Bruce...
...I would love to live with you
in your castle...
...forever, just like in a fairy tale.
I just couldn't live with myself.
Don't pretend this is a happy ending.
Selina Kyle.
You're fired.
And Bruce Wayne...
...why are you dressed up like Batman?
Because he is Batman, you moron!
Was.
Don't.
You killed me, the Penguin killed me,
Batman killed me.
Three lives down.
Got enough to finish me off?
One way to find out.
Four.
Five.
Still alive!
Six.
Seven.
All good girls go to heaven.
Two lives left.
I'll save one for next Christmas.
But in the meantime...
...how about a kiss, Santie Claus?
Shit!
I picked a cute one.
The heat's getting to me.
I'll murder you momentarily.
But first...
...I need a cool drink...
...of ice water.
Stop the car.
Come what may...
...Merry Christmas, Mr. Wayne.
Merry Christmas, Alfred.
Goodwill toward men.
And women.