BearCity 3 (2016) Movie Script

[Brent] Fred!
- What?
- You gonna sleep all day?
- What time is it?
- 8am
- In the morning?
- Yeah, come on.
I want you to help me
put the shelf locks on.
It's Saturday.
We're going to put
together a baby sling.
Isn't the baby a little
young for a sling?
It's for the sink.
They say most fatal injuries
happen in the bath.
Who are "they"?
Also my mom is coming by.
I can't handle this.
[Brent] Good Morning!
Fred! Get in the shower!
[power tool whines]
Oh, my god.
[hammer pounds]
Oh!
Brent!
[Brent] I don't even know what this is.
[Rose] Handsome, stop worrying.
[Rose] Watch this.
- This is my pet peeve.
- Put that down.
- I don't want to watch videos.
- Shhh!!
So, there's the cat,
lapping up the milk...
they put the cucumber behind him...
he turns around and...
[meow!!]
Every time!
Stop!
I love it!
What's the matter? What's wrong?
This baby is less than a month away
and we are not ready.
Come on, honey, you're ready.
You're ready, stop worrying.
Look at all this crap.
What the hell is this?
A protective baby cone
it goes around the baby's head
so it doesn't hit its head.
Do you hear yourself?
Yes. OK, soon to be Grandma?
This is on the essentials list
at Babies R Us.
That is, this is, that is.
What's that crap?
That is a very important
turquoise piece of
overprotective baby crap.
Come on, honey,
you guys will be great.
Sit down. Look at me.
You know how to do this.You're smart.
You have a big heart.
You'll be fine.
Did you breastfeed me?
Of course.With these boobs?
I could be sitting in the living room
and breastfeed in the bedroom.
Of all the people we know
who should not be parents...
Yeah?
You'll be fine, all right?
You're gonna kill it.
- The baby.
- Yes.
- You're a terrible mother.
- I know it.
Where is your husband?
Shouldn't he be the voice of reason?
I can't believe I just said that.
He's in the "edit cave."
And no one's allowed in there.
Still working on that thing?
When will I get my investment back?
Bears don't pay for films.
That's the flaw in the plan.
[Rose] Hey, Papa Fred.
Hey, Mom! I'm so sorry,
I got distracted. How are you?
Great! I'm so excited for
my granddaughter to come.
I'll buy her non-sexist toys,
wooden, handmade...
- Cool.
- I'll take her on protest marches.
I'll take her to Burning Man.
We'll both be naked.
And lots of sugar.
I'll get her candy
and pie and cake!
We don't know if it
will be a girl yet...
Bite your tongue, it's a girl.
Hey, wait!
How are you doing on my...
your documentary?
It's coming along great,
it will be amazing.
I'm working on it right now.
Come sit down, please.
[phone rings]
That's Max, my editor.
I'm going to take this call
in the other room.
Go ahead, Tarantino.
See? Lost, completely lost.
He seems fine.
He's not freaked out
or overly concerned.
He's not concerned at all!
That's the problem.
'Cause he's in there in the dark,
tinkering away at the movie,
and not worried about anything
like being a dad in a month!
I need a drink.
Make me a Bloody Mary.
- It's 10am.
- It has tomato juice.
It does have vitamins.
And celery! I love a
cocktail with food in it.
Would you like a burrito martini?
Yes! Olives...
Bacon margarita.
What are you doing?
Trying to push the button.
Oh, god, let me do it.
Ta da!
Grandma of the Year.
Shouldn't you be wearing a
French maid outfit to do that?
Honey, you've got to get dressed.
Your daughter arrives in a half hour.
It's so hot in that kitchen.
If you can't take the heat...
So that's how you want to play.
Maybe I do.
Mmm, hmm.
Come here.
Shoot!
I'm sorryI was trying
to fix it. It got stuck.
Stop.
I'm not asking you to
delete Carlos from your life.
I know, but of all days...
Michael
what happened to you was tragic.
I can't begin to understand your loss.
But I do know that I love you.
And I'm willing to wait.
Because we are worth waiting for.
[smoke alarm sounds]
Whoa, my sweet buns!
Those sweet buns look
really nice from here.
[doorbell buzzes]
- Shit, she's here!
- Oh, gosh!
I thought I was supposed
to be the nervous one!
[Michael] You look great!
Your dad's getting dressed...
just be a minute.
You know how dads are.
Would you rather put your...
that's fine, leave it there.
Emma!
I'm so glad to finally be able to
invite you into my home.
Look
I know this was my dad's idea.
You should be flattered.
It means he probably loves you.
Well, I love him, too.
Yeah, I know. The point is,
you guys always find
a way to screw him over
and I end up having this
exact same conversation
every few years in a
different fat guy's living room.
So, let's just play nice
and get this over with.
[Dalton] Here's my little girl!
Hi, Daddy!
Look at you, all dressed to suppress.
Michael picked it out for me.
My ninja has style.
He sure does.
Thank you, Michael, for
having me in your home.
Thank you for coming.
My pleasure.
What did you make, Daddy?
It smells like you
burned the house down.
I didn't exactly burn it down.
Made some sweet buns.
James, I just need a
mic stand, a stool, and a
cable for my guitar, please.
I'll take care of it.
Thanks.
Hey, Roger.
Kyle.
Sorry to hear about Nate and...
your situation.
Shit happens, right?
Yeah.
Can I get you a drink?
No, don't worry about it.
Yo, Rex.
Gimme my usual and...
Kyle, what do you want?
Water.
Water? Really?
I gotta sing.
Rex, tap is fine.
Rex, get him a bottle,
make mine a double.
Keep it open.
I guess I was misinformed.
I guess you were.
How are things?
Good! I'm doing this
private acoustic session here
for the day drunks.
"Day drunks"?
You talkin' to me?
[Rex] The credit card machine
doesn't seem to wanna work.
Any way you got cash?
I got it.
No, there's an ATM right here.
Roger, relax. I got you.
So...
I'm gonna go do this thing.
Yeah.
Looking forward to it.
Thanks for the drink.
[Rex] Sorry about that, Roger.
You and me both.
Emma, what do you think?
As good as your mom's?
Not really, but I'll tell her they were.
Good girl!
Michael, another sweet bun?
Oh, yeah.
So, what happened to Carlos?
[Dalton] Did you just hack
his picture frame?
No.
What am I, a noob?
I did it when I walked in.
Give me that phone!
I'm just doing my homework, Daddy.
It's okay.
I'm sorry, Dad, I'm just
trying to get to know him.
Isn't that why we're all here?
Yes. But look,
if you want to know something, just ask.
He's right here. And I'm right here...
with him.
Okay. Well, this app
isn't working anyway.
It said he was
knifed outside a bar at 4am.
He owned the bar!!
It was 4:43am to be exact.
They robbed him...
and left him to bleed on the street.
[phone chimes]
I completely forgot! I've got
a meeting downtown.
It's a work thing.
Emma, thank you for coming.
Yeah, um... thanks for having me.
What the hell is wrong with you?
I'm so sorry, Dad.
It's like you don't want me to be happy!
No, I just...
I mean, what do you
really know about him?
You haven't been with him for a year
and we're already having "the lunch."
That's right! We were!
You're too trusting, Daddy.
That's your mother talking.
Whatever.
I'm out.
That's probably a good idea.
I will be here
And I will wait for you
'til the river runs dry
And I will wait for you...
Nice entrance.
I thought you could use a little titty.
Michael, nothing about you is little.
Can I get you another drink?
Apparently I can't even
get a bottle of water.
- What?
- Nothing.
I'll be right back.
Thank you.
I feel your name across my lips
As we disappear inside this kiss
As our souls, they intertwine
Is this what is feels like
to touch the divine?
[Michael] What you doing?
Nothing, I don't know.
Michael, you don't have to buy my drinks.
How's the job search?
What job search? Nobody wants to
hire a cursed stock broker.
You're not cursed
you made a couple bad calls.
[Roger] A couple?
It's all gambling anyway.
You can't win every time.
How's the new apartment?
It is not that small.
You'll find a new job.
This coming from theguy who was gonna
cut off half of his stomach
when he couldn't find a job.
Well, I didn'tobviously.
Ooh, you're a cunt!
But I love you.
And you'll be fine.
I can't stop thinking about Tyler.
Everything would be different
if I hadn't stopped that wedding.
Oh, baby, that's not true.
You both made that decision.
You'd have to eat a lot of donuts
these days to get that boy back.
This should get that boy back.
So, your big night's tonight?
You're meeting Dalton's daughter, right?
No, that was this afternoon.
And I hope I never meet her again.
What did you do?
It's not what I did.
She walked into my apartment,
she hacked my photo frame,
pulls up a picture of Carlos, runs it
through some fucking face recognition app
and practically reads his obituary
to me at the table!
- What?
- She grilled me!
That is hilarious!
I mean, that is not hilarious,
that is fucked up.
Do not fuck with that girl.
She started the whole thing off
saying I was gonna
screw him up like every other fatty.
Who's she calling fatty?
Let this be a lesson for our
fathers to be: teenagers.
Instead of childproofing the dildos,
they need to build a firewall.
How do you baby-proof a dildo?
If anyone could do it...
Have you seen Fred?
No, he's hiding in his "editing man cave."
- Still?
- Every day.
That child is fucked.
- Roger!
- I'm just joking.
You're probably right.
Up until today...
I thought I'd be a good Mama Bear.
Bitch!
Know what we should do?
Open a gay divorce law practice.
That'll be all the rage once
these queens realize
they should've gotten a prenup.
I thought I was in a dark place today.
I will wait for you
'til the river runs dry.
Well, well...
[Brent] The entertainment has arrived!
Finally!
Yip yip yip...
Brrrrrringgggg!
Yip yip yip...
Brrrrrringgggg!
1980 calledthey want their phone back.
[Michael's phone rings]
I've got to take this.
Bye!
Thank you, Rex.
On the house.
None for meI'm pregnant.
He is so pregnant.
Speaking of pregnant, how's Suzie?
Big as a house.
I still can't believe
she agreed to do this.
What else can you use lesbians for?
- Construction...
- Cat adoption...
- Grassroots political campaigns...
- Loving sisters.
When are we due?
In a couple of weeks, right?
We are so excited.
Yay!
[all phones chime at once] Oh!
It's a shout from Tyler.
"Dom Top looking for Sub Santa
to swing on his North Pole."
What?
Funny.
Fred, you know what we should do...
What?
Go to The Woods
and see your sister.
Great idea! We'll show the movie!
- What?!
- You wanted to do a sneak preview.
We'll get some buzz
going before Outfest.
You are such the producer.
I want to thank the Academy.
And my agent.
I'm not going.
Why?
Tyler lives there now.
I don't want him to know
what a shit show my life's become.
'Cause we're not telling him all the time?
I'm kidding...
Rog, the film isn't finished,
don't worrywe're not going.
You should hear him and Max.
[Brent] We gotta lock it down.
- We have no sound mix, no credits.
- Baby, it's done!
- We don't have any...
- Ring, ring!
Max? Hi. He wants to
talk to youhe quit.
That phone never gets old.
Waitgo back.
Further back.
[Fred] Right there.
[Max] This has the corrupt audio...
[Fred] It's okay.
Play it.
[Father on screen] We want chocolate!
Give it to us!
[Father on screen] Yeah!
[laughter on screen]
[Father on screen] We'll
give it to your sister.
That's it.
You okay?
Yeah.
I'm good. Moving on.
We've been in here
for six months now.
I know when you're good
and this ain't it.
So what's going on?
I don't know...
it feels like everything
is moving so fast.
We're just... skyrocketing.
Suzie was so happy to help us out, and...
You're worrying about being a bad dad?
No. No, I'm not.
I'm worried about being a great dad.
What makes you think you won't be?
I don't think I won't be.
I want to believe that I have something...
unique to offer this kid.
Something to prepare him... or her...
whatever... for...
I don't know...
...a perspective. You know?
That only Brent and I
can offer this child.
So he or she knows how to appreciate life.
You know?
I don't know what I'm talking about.
HeyI'm sorry.
Shut up, that was fucking beautiful.
It's just that my father never
thought about any of that shit.
Not one minute.
I thought you didn't know your dad.
I knew who he was.
My mom showed me who he was
and what building he lived in,
but that was about it.
You never talked to him?
I'd pass him now and then...
...and he knew who I was, too.
But he never looked at me.
That sucks.
So, you think you can
do better than that?
I do.
Yeah.
Thank you.
So, that's why we've been
editing this picture to death.
No, we've been editing it to death
because it's not done.
Oh, sweet pea, it is done.
And I mean done
done, overdone, redone.
Hey! What are you doing in here?
You don't just burst in
like that, sweetheart!
I'm the Producer! I do what I want.
She ain't wrong.
Where did you get this?
I made it.
So, according to this,
we are showing our movie
next week at The Woods.
Exactly!Which is why I want this
picture done immediately, please.
- Done.
- Thank you.
What?
He's obviously wearing
the pants in the family.
I ain't trying to get
on Daddy's bad side.
- I am the daddy here, not him.
- Okay, Daddy.
Max!
Got it. Picture lockdone.
Thank you. Love you.
What is happening here?
Okay, get out of here
because apparently
we have a film to finish.
[Brent] It stinks in here.
I love you.
Not a word out of you.
Okay, Mama.
Let's do this.
Thank you.
Get out of here!
- No, no, no!
- You are running out of time.
You want another one?!
What are you doing?
I have to look good for their
premiere. It's the movie!
I already packed your
outfit for the premiere.
You did?
Yes.
Did you call for the car?
I called for the car.
You think of everything.
Okay... Michael, I just wanted to say that
I really wasn't... fair... whatever.
[sighs] So, Michael, I just...
I wanted to apologize for...
...hacking... for hurting your f...
Look...
...people lie.
And they hurt my mom
and they hurt my dad.
And I just don't live in a world
where people don't...
...lie or hurt.
[elevator bell dings]
You must be Dalton's daughter.
Yes.
Can you tell your dad
that his car is ready?
He isn't answering his phone.
I've got a lobby full of people.
Yeah.
Thank you.
[Michael grunting]
[Dalton laughing] Oh, my god!
You are the cutest thing ever.
I love you so much, Michael.
If you love me so much,
get over here and help me zip this bag.
Let's close it on "three."
One!
Two!
Three!
Oh, thank god!
Where the hell was that?
It was on the floor... there.
Must have fallen out of my pocket.
I thought you said you stopped
carrying that thing around.
I did, but when I travel...
What the hell is wrong with you, Michael?!
It's two years old...
still got fuckin' blood stains on it!
You're never gonna let go of him, are you?
It was the only thing left at the scene.
He was bringing that home for me.
It's fucking jerky, Michael!
It's all I have left!
[Dalton] You're never gonna let me in,
are you? Hmm?
In that big fuckin' heart of yours...
that heart...
that I fell in love with...
you're never gonna make room.
That's not true.
I love you. I do.
I just gotta have some more time.
I'm gonna take this to the car.
[On screen] What would you tell
bears and cubs who are just
discovering the Bear community?
Some of the reasons you might
feel insecure about yourself
will be the reasons that the
Bear community will celebrate you.
So let out that 50-inch waist,
that rug on your back, and
just have fun at
the party, honey!
- Aww.
- I love that.
It's great.
Yeah, it is.
We got a movie?
We got a movie.
- Let's go camping!
- Yeah!
You're coming?
Cheeseburger?
Cheeseburger?
Oh!
Hey, Joe!
Howdy!
[Carol-Lee] You have such a
very long life line.
[Doug] That's so not true.
The palm doesn't lieyou be quiet.
Mom, what are you doing?
I'm reading a palm.
Of course you are.
Next.
Your ring finger is higher
than your pointer finger.
Which indicates...
that you were born gay.
Do you know that?
No. I'm totally gay though.
[Dan] Obviously.
[Doug] Seriously gay.
Mom, where the hell is Tyler?
[phone vibrates]
Sorry... umm...
Luke.
Luke! Yes! It's my producer.
I've got to take this. Sorry.
You can try.
Hi, Michael?
Michael? Hi. Can you hear me?
No, it's okay. I'm just...
I'm at work. What's up?
Stop!
Nothingjust some guy.
What's going on?
What did you say?
Michael, you're breaking up,
I can't hear you.
Michael?
Fuck! Service out here sucks.
"Some guy"?
Come on, you know...
You're supposed to wait until you're
out of the trick's bed before you...
Sorry, it's complicated.
I know. I read your profile.
Is everything okay?
My friend's bringing
some kid... E... Eric?
I couldn't understand him.
[Simon] Emma! Dalton is
bringing his kid Emma here!
Jesus, Simon, you
scared the shit out of us!
You're totally getting coal
this year, little boy.
Gross.
What did you just say?
Dalton is bringing his daughter here.
Why? It's an 18 and over
campground.
John Adam will never let them in.
I know!We have to go to the office!
How did you just find me?
Duh.
Plus, I have you on my Rape Buddy app.
They have an app for that?
That's super creepy, Simon.
I gotta go.
Go, Julie cruise director.
Back to work.
I'm actually just Julie's assistant.
Oh, uh, uh, bitch!
Byeeee! Wait...
[Simon] Tyler!
[Fred] Bears! Yay!
[Brent] Bears in The Woods!
[Fred] The place looks amazing.
[Brent] I can't believe
I've never been here.
[Brent] Pink golf cart! It's my drag name!
Hi!
Baby sister!
I don't wanna touch your...
Oh, Fred, you're not gonna break him.
Him?!
Him?Her?I don't know.
Stop reading into shit. Gimme some love.
Oh my god, I just felt him kick.
See? Kicks like a him, right?
Yeah. Fred, feel that.
I don't have to touch my sister's...
There'll be plenty of time for that.
Walk with me. I've got to
fill the condom buckets
at the Welcome Center.
[Brent] "Welcome Center"?
[Fred] The head shed?
[Susan] "The Pavilion."
Oh, right: gay people.
Pregnant lady. Heavy bucket.
Oh, sorry!
[Susan] Isn't this pretty?
[Brent] Yeah!
[Fred] Gorgeous!
Well done!
Uh, that's why they call it "The Woods."
Fred, look! A rare
African American Sling Lizard.
Just gonna wait for
someone to show up...
...order a pizza.
Fredare you excited about
the preview tomorrow?
I wish I had another week to edit.
I think I could make it perfect.
Stop it. I'm sure it's great.
You've always been your own worst critic.
Amen, sister, thank you.
Hey, Dick Dynasty.
Hi, guys.
Wrap it up, Derek.
You know you can use tree sap
as lubricant in a pinch.
It's like super glue.
Check him for ticks later
he's pretty fuzzy.
I know you're excited, Brent.
We're gonna be great dads.
Right, Fred?
Yes, we will be great dads.
Okay, that's happening
a scene from Deliverance.
I want to thank you.
I appreciate what you're doing for us.
Save it. I'm so happy for both of you.
Thank you.
Why are you doing this? Let me do it.
Why aren't Simon and Tyler doing it?
They're the worst
employees I've ever had.
Thanks a lot, Fred.
That is not my fault.
I'm gonna get them down here.
Great, no bars.
Because fags like to vacation
in the middle of nowhere.
Look at you, protecting your baby mama.
I'm actually protecting my baby,
but you're part of it, so...
You should see him at home,
baby-proofing the dildos.
- How do you...?
- Don't ask.
- Why do you guys...?
- Seriously, don't ask.
This is actually very serious.
I want this kid to have everything.
An incredible life.
Two dads that totally adore him.
And you to dress up as
Santa on Christmas morning.
[Fred laughs]
That's funny?
It's very sweet.
I want him to catch you eating cookies.
Eating cookies.
He loves sugar cookies!
You don't want to
get caught eating cookies.
Come on!!
You're going to do that to Santa?
Really?
A portable sling?
Fred, don't take a picture of that!
It'll look amazing on a mug!
- Number One Dad!
- For Christmas!
- You're my Santa.
- What?
You're my Santa.
You're my Mrs. Claus.
I love you, sweetheart.
I love you, baby.
Wrap it up, you two.
Otherwise you end up like this.
It's how it happens.
That's your sister.
And our baby mama.
True.
Let's give some head.
Shall we?
Damn!
What?
Gross.
All right, Vanna.
[Tyler] What?
Look, he's a doctor!
Fancy.
Paging Dr. Wayne,
your 10:30 prostate exam...
[phone chimes]
He just unlocked his photos.
You are such a slut.
I don't know why
Jay puts up with you.
The open relationship
was his idea, remember?
I rememberyou
don't do closets.
Wow. That makes me seem cold.
If the cock ring fits...
I'm kidding. I get it.
But he did move here for you.
He moved to the firehouse down
the street for all the time I see him
which is fine if I could visit,
but it's like I don't even exist.
This same shit again?
Give the guy some time, he's old school.
And you're so new school.
Fired.
- You want a promotion?
- Yes, please!
Michael and Dalton
are here. I'll be back.
Speaking of daddy.
Hey, John Adam!
What's the deal with the EM posting I saw on the board?
You're not certified.
Get certifiedthe job is yours.
Really?
But do it quick, boy
I don't need it at the end of the season.
Yes, sir!
Hey, what up, D?
- Tyler.
- What's up, buddy?
Good to see you, man.
Good to see you, too.
How's it goin'?
Eh...
I just talked to John Adam
and he said she's okay to come
to the screening but...
It's okay. We got a hotel
room down the road.
Perfect.
Why did you bring her here?
We didn't. She hid in the back.
Why?
She caught us facing
off over the jerky.
Shit.
He's still carrying it around?
Yeah.
Baby girl just wants
to protect her daddy.
I get it.
Really, she's just seen too many horror
movies about white folks in the woods.
Hey, D.
Just give him a little more time.
Yeah.
[Michael] Young man!
You better come over here and
give your Mama Bear some sugar.
Busted! Hi!
Oh! Ahh!
Now you're laughing.
Who are you texting?
I'm Google mapping this place.
Just in case.
You're pretty crafty with that thing.
I already apologized in the car,
don't make me hack your email.
Heard.
Looks like everything is good now.
Yeah, Mama Bear's in full affect.
Come here, baby.
Ahh!
Slide over.
Hi!
Emma.
Emma, that's a pretty name.
Thanks.
I'm Tyler.
Hi, Tyler Hall.
What's "Naked Bear Twister"?
What?
It was on the schedule for today.
Okay, we're done. Let's go.
Bye, Tyler Hall!
Bye, Kerry Washington!
Oh my god, I love her.
I knew you would.
How did she know my last name?
- Change your password.
- Excuse me?
[Dalton] Michael!
Daddy's calling.
Yeah!
Tell John Adam I'll call him later.
Okay. I'm just gonna sunbathe.
Ah! Silence.
Sorry,sir.
"Sir"?Don't call me sir, my dad is...
...sir.
[horn honks]
[music blares from truck]
[music stops]
[Tyler] Hi.
Hey.
You drove right past me.
You didn't say anything.
I screamed.
You didn't scream very loud.
Yes, I did.
No.
- Hi.
- Hi.
The sooner we get
this truck unloaded,
the sooner we can go inside
and get to business.
So get up there.
Say "fucker."
Get up there... fucker.
Yes, Chief!
You're almost done.
I'm just getting started.
How's training going?
It's going great.
I'm whippin' them into shape.
Of course, it's a firehouse so
it may as well be a frat house.
You know what I mean?
I don't. But I'd love to.
I know you would, Tyler.
I'd like that too.
[Tyler] But...
I'm tired, Tyler.
I'm tired, too.
And not just here.
Everywhere.In public, on the streets.
In front of your fireman buddies.
I just can't do that right now, Tyler.
I've got to think about my retirement.
Here we go.
You don't understand.
Technically, I still work for
the fire department in Texas.
Billy's only letting me work remotely here
so I can train his son.
And if his son wasn't here?
His son is here, Blanche.
He is here.
You say that shit in front of
your fireman buddies?
'Cause then they for sure know you're gay.
Just shut up, fucker...
...and take me to bed.
Yes, Chief.
Come with me.
I was gonna do summer stock,
but this is more fun.
Life choices, am I right?
Don't talk to me about life choices.
The other night
Tyler forgot his line
andthen started laughing.
SoI started laughing
but the audience totally loved it.
So we improvised half the show.
Michael would never let
you get away with that.
This ain't Broadway,
though some of these queens
would like to think it is.
But the owners are great
and don't care as long
as we get our jobs done.
Heyyy, Simon!
Ugh. Bears.
Oh my god! You should totally
come to the frat party weekend!
Me and Ty have some
totally awesome things planned!
How is Ty?
He's great!
Except he's totally all over any
dude that looks like Santa.
Waithe's not with Jay anymore?
Oh no, he is.
Oh my god! I didn't tell you.
Oh my god! What?
I'm totally in love with someone!
Totally?
Is he totally awesome
and totally hot?
And totally cool?
Fuck you, bitch.
Totally!
How is Nate anyway?
Now that's a bear I could
flip to the dark side for.
Is he coming?
No, it's summer so he's in
Ptown for the season.
Oh, rightthe dune tours.
I picked the right bachelor
party that weekend.
Hey!
A bonfire on the beach is way better
than a bonfire out here.
I just meant the sex
I had in the sauna,
over the dune... stuff... you guys... did.
I knew what you meant, Simon.
Where is Michael's?
It's this way.
[Tyler] Oh, shit!
Oh, fuck!
Ohh!
You like that, Chief?
The Chief loves it, Recruit!
Look at this thing!
Where are we gonna sleep?
Well! Hi!
[Roger] Hey, Ty.
Well, this is awkward.
Tyler!
Jay, it's okayI've seen it all before.
How are you?
I've certainly been better.
Baby, are you okay?
I busted my tail bone.
Well! I guess no more
separate beds for you boys.
What? Look at it!
Separate beds?
I come in late a lot
from the firehouse...
Sorry to hear about Nate.
[Jay] What happened to Nate?
Nothing, just... summertime...
he spends his summers in
Ptown with the dune tours.
[Simon] Wow.
You guys really messed this up.
Hey! How about you do us a favor
and get us some pants, please.
Gross!
Shut up, boy, and get me my britches.
Okay, that was kind of hot.
Itotally understandwhy this works now.
Size 50?
Yow!
Kidding.
You guys should
totally keep the slide
for Dalton's daughter.
She would love that!
Who?
Dalton's daughter.
She snuck in the back of their car
and they didn't realize
'til they got here.
Is that where you're staying?
Michael's cabin, yeah.
They got a hotel down the road.
That's probably a good idea.
This is no place for children at night.
Spoken like a true straight man.
[Roger] I have to agree with him, Ty.
I don't. Europeans take their
children to nude beaches all the time.
Not in America they don't.
Well, he's the whole package, isn't he?
All right, fuckers!
Tylerfetch my gun.
You brought your gun?
Jay, John Adam said I could get
a better job if I get EMT certified.
Can you possibly help me with that?
Be here at 7am. We'll get started.
7am?
A.M.
Okay, fine, I'll be here at 7am.
Oh my god! What time is it?
We have to get ready for the glow party!
Oh my god! I'm not going.
Glow party?
It's some party they do
down at the head shed.
You're more excited about
getting ready for Sebastian.
Oooh, yassss!!
- See you bitches later!
- Bye.
[phone beeping]
Dang itanother fire
over at old lady Haggerty's.
[Tyler] For real?
[Jay] Again!
Uh... don't worry...
I'm sure Roger will help me clean this up.
Yeah. Sure.
Well, all right... well, thanks... boys.
[Jay] Where's my damn shirt?
[Jay] This is a mess!
[clattering sounds]
Wait, your shirt's open.
Go get 'em!
Thanks again, Roger.
[Roger] Yeah, no worries.
[truck door slams]
[truck engine starts]
[truck drives away]
Should we get to work?
You don't have to stay.
This doesn't have to be weird, Tyler.
We were in a relationship, we're friends.
We've accomplished a lot together.
And now...
we're gonna fix a pop-up.
Yes, we are.
Now, Fred having a kid?
That's weird. That's just silly.
- Come on.
- I'm just kidding.
They'll be great parents.
- Bed?
- Yeah.
[Roger] One, two, three!
See? I always knew we were a good team.
I thought this wasn't
gonna be weird.
- Speaking of weird...
- Roger.
Don't.
How do you know what I was gonna say?
You want to go with that?
He wouldn't even hold your hand.
He's from Texas.
I don't know.
Final answer?
I hate you.
No, you don't.
Back to work?
Fine.
[Michael] Hey, boys!
Back to pick you up later!
[Michael] Oh, look! A deer!
[Emma] Oh!
[laughter] That's fantastic!
Hi! Fancy meeting you here.
Water diet?
Mmm, hmm.
It's so hot!
- Well...
- I know, but I like this spot, usually.
They keep this place so cold
for all these sweaty bears.
We can go outside...
NahI'm hot wherever I go.
Ah!
Here you go, ladies.
That's Mrs. Richards-Dean.
You're cute.
Let me know if you
need anything else, Suzie.
- Thank you, Flo.
- Look at all this meat.
Try the fried pickles.
I'm just gonna eat my feelings.
Are you PMSing?
Yes, I'm on the same cycle as you.
- You don't even know what that means.
- I'm just a little nervous.
There's no way you're
backing out now, mister.
I don't mean that.
I'm not talking about that. C'mon.
All right.
Try the chicken wings. They're good.
You're starting great dietary lessons.
You're such a bitch.
Good, nutritional choices.
I'm hungry.
How's my big brother? Is he nervous too?
- No.
- Good.
I guess.
- What's going on Brent?
- What?
- Spit it out.
- I've got nothing to hide.
Can I get you anything else?
Yeaha vodka martini.
Susan!
It's for you, Mommy!
No, thank you. I'm fine.
Wonderful. Let me know if you
want anything we actually have.
Sassy! I hate water.
Kidding!
You're stalling, and you're
so not subtle. Speak!
Fine! Yes, hormones. I'll tell you.
I just, I feel like I'm
alone in this thing.
Right? I'm the only one
taking it seriously.
Remember how into it he was?
Of course. I mean obviously.
I don't get knocked up for anyone.
Well, there was that one time...
Hey, focus.
You focus! Brent,
what's this really about?
Uh, sir, you're in a restaurant.
This, that's the problem.
Nothing wrong with that.
Ugh! Gay people!
Gay...
...people.
I don't...
Maybe they shouldn't have kids.
You stop it right there, okay?
There's enough people who think
that way, Brent, and it's not true.
Sure, gay people are
bonded by sexuality,
but they're also bonded by love.
And it's a love that's been
fought for and earned.
If you don't think those are
values a child needs in this world,
then you're as dumb as the people
who think you're not fit to raise him.
Okay.
Him? You said "him"!
- Him?
- Her?
- Her?
- What?
- I don't know!
- Are you saying?
- I can tell you right now.
- No.
- It's a...
- Tell me. Don't.
- Do not tell me.
- It is a...
Cat.
It's a cat?
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Besides, straight people walk around
in their underwear like this, too,
but they don't look as good doing it.
Fred looks so good
in assless underwear.
Atta girl.
Eat!
You're a fat pig.
And proud of it.
Dammit!
I can't believe we didn't check
the gas gauge this whole time.
You mean you can't believe I didn't.
I did not say that.
There's no cell service.
Of course not.
We're in the middle of nowhere!
Honey!
[Dalton] What?!
Emma!
Emma, wait.
Wait.
I'm sorry. I just...
You just what?
I just want us...
Want us to what?
Want us to be a happy little family?
Want me to call him "Dad"?
Yes, eventuallythat would be nice.
Is he the one?
Daddy, is he really the one?
Because he's carrying around
a dead man's jerky.
Why is that funny?
In what world is that funny?
He's choosing a piece
of dried meat over you.
Look, I'm sorry I yelled.
I'm sorry.
Whatever. I still don't trust him.
This is just like in the
white people movies.
We're stranded in the middle
of nowhere with him now.
[Dalton] Come on.
[Dalton] I love you.
[Emma] I love you, too, Dad.
[Dalton] Come on.
I'm sorry.
I didn't hear a word.
I heard everything.
I know.
Maybe there's
some gas in the trunk.
No gas.
There is a tent.
Whose ATV did you say this was?
John Adam?Or Wayne? I don't know.
What's this for?
Gimme that. Nothing.
Emma...
How about you and I go find some firewood
and Daddy can set up the tent?
(Serious?)
It's getting late
what else can we do?
[Michael] We got a
little bit of food, and
who knows what else is in this ATV?
Then what?
Hope somebody
shows up tomorrow?
(Baby!)
Yes. It'll be fun.
Trust me.
I'll set up the tent
and the two of you go have some fun.
Bring back some wood.
Gay people.
[Tyler] Okay, wow,
my chest and my nuts
are literally roasting
on this open fire.
I'm gonna go play flip cup.
This is boring. Bye!
Eat some of these before they melt.
If you put it that way.
Those are Grape Apes...
and these are Buttery Nipples.
Now you're talking!
Join us for a shot?
No, I've had ten already, so...
but thank you.
Suit yourself.
Oh, wow, Jell-O shots!
Shithead, why do you always do that?
No glow party tonight?
No glow party. I'm gonna go
have a date with a flip cup.
He's cheating! You saw it?
You're a cheater!
He dropped it in the cup!
I'm gonna take a celebrity shot.
Yes! I'm in!
Me, too.
Both you boys drink.
Who's next?!
[Simon] This is amazing!
Well, hello boys!
This is the perfect job for you two.
I know, right?
Step right up.
- Yes, please!
- I'm gonna pass.
Come here, little boy, Santa's waiting.
Yes, officer.
Ready?
Born ready, Santa.
That was fun, but I'm
gonna go find Sebastian.
He's in back.
Your turn, Brent.
What's that?
Hey, hey!
I'm in uniform.
You should see this place during
Illumination. It's awesome.
I'll bet.
Queens love their tea candles.
Yes, they do.
There's this guy who does
this whole mural with them.
It's really beautiful.
Being with you again
is really beautiful.
Stop.
Don't you ever... miss us, Ty?
Yeah.
Of course I doyou were my first love.
Things are different now.
We're on separate paths.
I'm with Jay, you're with Nate.
Maybe we're not on separate paths,
maybe we just, I don't know
took a wrong turn somewhere.
I'm happy here.
Heyyyy!!
Hi, boys!
Heidi Ho!
How you doin'?
Quite the catch you got there.
It's just my friend.
Mmm, hmm.
He is a little thin for Tyler.
I'm "a little thin" for you.
That's what she said.
You know what they mean.
No, I'm a little thin and you...
like them fluffier.
"Fluffier" is the word you want to use?
"Fluffy." That's how I like them?
So now I'm into plushie sex.
This is freakin' awesome!
Jackson Pollock sex party.
Fred!
Jimmy!
[Brent] Oh, no!
[all talking at once]
- Where are your husbands?
- They're in the back.
Are they spit roasting a munchkin?
It doesn't matter,
let's do some of this.
Jimmy, you are an artiste.
Can I suck your highlighter?
Hey, babe.
Well, hi!
Hold on a second.
Yo, Smiffygot this?
You look great.
Like a busted drag queen
on Sunday morning.
Nah...
Now you look like a busted
drag queen on Sunday morning.
Glitter. Glitterally? I hate you.
No, you don't.
No, I don't.
Sebastian!
What?
What are you doing?
Just...
...marking my territory.
Really?
I'm yours?
Yep.
Branded.
[Brent] Fred!
- Hey, Ben!
- Hey, Brent!
Have you seen Fred?
I have not seen Fred.
Would you like a drink?
Yes, one of these, what is that?
It's "Autumn Sunrise."
Okay, Ortisha!
Oh my god!
Best party ever!
Did you eat a clown's ass?
Did you blow Dr. Seuss?
- Who?
- Oh, please.
Has anyone seen Fred?
Can I get a drink?
Warren, haven't you seen Fred recently?
- Yeah, over at the...
- No, no, actually he wants a shot.
Warren, where did you see him?
- A shot right here...
- Whatever.
...and I'll do a shot with you.
Where?
Did I fall asleep?
Yep.
It's 'cause I'm that good.
Yes, you are.
But you had a good teacher.
Hmm.
We're all meeting before
the screening tomorrow...
Tyler, I want to get back together.
I wasn't that good.
I'm serious.
What about Nate?
There is no Nate.
I lost my job, lost my apartment.
Nate left.
That's why you want
to get back together?
I want to get back together
because I'm still in love with you.
I'm in love with someone else.
And I gotta get back to him.
I'll see you at the screening.
Thank you for putting us in your movie.
Yeah, thank you.
It was my honor.
I'm a bottom.
What are you doing?
I got some skills.
Do you know what you just said?
YeahI said "I'm a top."
Did you teach him this?
Did you teach him?
See? He wants to be topped.
Idiot.
WOOF.
Woof!
GRRRRRRRRRRRR!
I want your stiff dick in my ass.
What did I say?
Nothin'.
That means "that
guy's really hot," no?
Fred! What the fuck?
What?
We are having a baby.
I know.
In two weeks!
I get it.
No, you don't, or you wouldn't
be sitting around getting high.
No offense.
You are totally overreacting to this.
No, you're not taking it seriously.
What do you mean?
Dramaaa.
I can't even.
You know what?
Fuck you.
Well, hey there.
Hey!
Did you just get home?
No, I've been home a while.
- Hi.
- Hi.
How did you know I was craving steaks?
Well, I figured these two steaks needed
to be cooked before they ruined, and
that you'd be along soon anyway.
Well, I'm starving, so thank you.
Good.
You smell like him.
I never wanted this.
I know, Tyler. I know.
So I reckon they broke up?
Yeah, umm...
I guess they're on a...
...a break or something. I don't know.
Do you need a break?
No, Jay, I don't need a break.
I need a man who's...
...not ashamed to be who he is.
I need a man who's...
...not afraid to
introduce me to his friends.
I need a man who's not ashamed
to hold my hand in public.
I'm trying, Tyler!
I just don't want to
jeopardize my retirement.
"My retirement." I know, Jay.
I heard you, but...
What's next?Huh?
What's the next excuse, Jay?
Either you love me...
...and you want the world to know it.
Or you don't.
It's just not that simple.
Yes, it is!
No, it's not, Tyler!
I've been in the closet longer
than you've been alive!
It's not so simple to go up
to people and say:
"Oh, you know this guy you think I am?"
"That's not me."
"I've been lying to you the whole time."
I get it, Jay. I get it. But...
I dropped my life.
I gave up everything.
And I thought that moving up here
was gonna change your perspective.
It has changed!
But if Jesse knows, then Billy knows.
Billymy best friend for
as long as I can remember.
The friend who has his career
and retirement on the line...
...saying that I still work in Texas.
Look: when I retire,
he can stop lyingfor me.
And I guess I can stop lying to him.
You guess?Jay?
If Billy is your best friend,
he's gonna understand.
That's it!
And if he understands,
then his son understands.
Period.
You don't know Texans.
[steak sizzles]
What?
You did that for effect.
Did what?
You flip a steak and say
"you don't know Texas"?
They were burning.
Were they?
Yeah.
Just shut up and kiss me, please?
I love you, Jay.
I love you, Tyler.
You're burning the steak.
Well,
she finally fell asleep.
Good.
She was exhausted.
How are you holding up?
Tired.
Go to bed.
I'll stand watch.
We don't have to stand watch.
We're not camping in the Bronx.
Hey! I grew up in the Bronx, mister.
She's very protective.
She's very sweet.
Like her daddy.
Thank you for everything today.
I love you.
I love you too, D.
So...
what now?
Well, with all those
crazy toys in that ATV
I'd say we could have a rip-roaring night.
But...
...we'd scar her for life.
We'd scar her for life.
Oh!
I know exactly what this party needs.
Oh! What was that?
You'll see.
That's real gay.
Yep.
[music plays]
No, that's real gay.
May I have this dance?
Please.
Oh! I saw one!
No, you didn't.
Yes, I did!
That's the weed talking.
Do you even call it "weed"?
Actually this stuff is
called "Purple Sticky Punch."
You've got to be kidding me.
Nope.
I saw another one!
Yeah, you didthat time.
I saw one before, too!
- No.
- I did!
We're all grown up now,
mister. I'm wise to you.
I should probably pay you back
someday, shouldn't I?
Ya think?
I'm holding this baby
hostage until you do.
Double or nothing?
I don't think betting your
baby on a shooting star
is on the list of good
fatherly things to do.
Aww! I totally would have won.
You already did.
You're having twins.
What?!
Oh, my god!
That is not funny!
It was, actually!
Suzie, you scared the shit out of me!
Hello? Pregnant woman.
It's not even smokeit's vapor.
You've got plenty of time to
fuck up this kid's future
let me at least give birth first.
Do you really think
we'll fuck him up?
Oh, my god! Are you guys
mainlining estrogen?
- You're killing me, both of you.
- What did he say to you?
I'm supposed to be the
hot mess, not you two.
- All right girl, you are a hot mess, okay?
- That's better.
Make a wish.
It already came true.
Do yourself a favor and tell him that.
I will.
Thank you, sis.
You're welcome, Fat Freddie.
No! Ahh, ha, ha!
You're gonna damage the baby!
Ahh! Uncle! Uncle! Uncle! Uncle!
[Michael snores]
[growl]
We have to get Emma.
Come here!
Don't move, okay?
Don't. Move.
I'm scared, Dad!
I know. It's okay.
It's okay, Daddy's here.
Not now.
It's beautiful.
Michaelquiet!
Don't leave me!
Shhh!
I'm not leaving.
I got you.
Oh, no.
I'm scared, Dad!
[grrrr]
[grrrr]
[ROAR]
Gaaaahhhh!!!
[grrrr?]
Yaaaahhhhh!
[grrr]
[grunts]
Yeah!!
[Emma screams]
[text message tone]
Shit.
Dammit.
We gotta movenow!
Yeah, okay.
Oww!!
What's wrong?
I think my knee went out!
It's okaylet's make it
to the ATV, come on!
I don't think I can do this.
- What?!
- You have to go on without me.
We're not leaving you, Michael!
I got an idea.
Emmaget him behind the wheel.
You can do it, baby!
- Dad, what are you doing?
- We're gonna tow him.
No, it's too heavy!
I'm too heavy!
- It's all downhill, just ride the brake!
- How do you know?
I Google mapped the woods!
It will take us all the way down.
- Trust me, Dad.
- I trust you.
- She did good!
- Not now, you two.
God, you guys are gay.
She was awake.
What the hell happened to you?
Purple Mind Erasers.
And this shit does not come off with soap.
What, glitter?
Glitter never comes off, Mr. Chief Man.
I meant the paint.
Good morning!
Damn!
You look like a busted ass drag queen.
That's what I was going for, honey.
I'm gonna hit the showers,
then help the guys
set up for tonight.
All right. I'll see you after volleyball.
- Have fun.
- Bye.
You... play volleyball?
Of course! It helps clear my mind.
How did I not know this?
I don't know. We got alot of work to do.
Put one hand here...
Use your whole back.
What are you doing?!
I got this.
You just pull the pencil right out!
- Oh, my...
- Don't...
- Oww!
- You wrap it in place!
Don't pull nothin'!
And it ain't gonna move.
This is a 5 milliliter bag.
Turn it down.
Squeeze it a couple times.
Just ease out.
Support the head as the baby comes out.
You're doing good.
Yeah. Uh...
Look, things happen.
Nut sack.
I'm so full!
Daddy!
Who's a good boy?
Who's a good boy?
You are! You are!
- Don't wrap over the wound.
- Right.
Just don't ever look down at it...
...like that.
(F this job.)
(I want to fuck you.)
Put that down. Put your
hands in a fist. Around me.
Don't say they don't reach.
I'm not that fat!
You gotta make a ball.
Well now, you gotta get lower.
Yeah, that's right.
Your scruff feels so good.
Ahem.
What? Do you want...
...this guy, push here...
and twist it...
squish it...
- Yeah, that's good.
- Is that it?
- Yeah.
- I got it?
You did good.
Aww!
No.
Pick up your hand.
In a fist.
- Pound it!
- Oh.
- Again?
- Okay.
And if you're really good,
when you pound...
Explode!
Wow! That's fun!
Learn something new every day.
[Gladys] Cheeseburger, medium-well!
[Gladys] Hot dogs and
hamburgers, that's it, buddy.
You got french fries?
There's no fuckin' french fries. Where
do you think you are, the Hilton?
[Gladys] Enjoy your day!
Enjoy your fuckin' hot dogs, bitches!
[Gladys] Next restaurant?
Thirty miles away.
Yo, buddy! You owe me $7
for the fuckin' cheeseburger!
Oh! God, shit... sorry!
[Frank] Good luck, man. See you guys!
Hey, Roger.
Jay.
Didn't know you played.
Oh, yeahreally gets
the blood flowing.
Yes, it does!
Where's Ty?
He's working around here somewhere.
I bet.
Okay, I'm inlet's go!
Up! Over!
That's yours, boy!
Yes!
You got it!
Dammit!
Oh! How you like that?
All right, guys, the next one's ours!
I wouldn't be so sure, big man.
- You all right?
- You okay?
Come on! He's fine!
- What's your problem?
- There was no power behind that, man.
Take it easy, Roger, we're
just trying to have a good time.
Hey, it's okay. I'm okay.
See? He's okay.
I'm gonna take five.
[Ted] Shake it off.
Yeah, take five, you'll be fine, Jay.
Sorry about that!
What? I said I'm sorry!
[Roger] Let's go!
- Ready for it?
- Okay.
Goin' up.
- Goin' up...
- Looking good.
...goin' down.
Max, help me.
Okay, we got it.
Ugh!
Wait
it's upside down.
[Max] One more try.
Here we go.
[Fred] Jesus, you guys,
get it together.
[Tyler] It takes a village.
[Max] Here we are.
- You think this thing is big enough?
- I've never had any complaints.
- Damn! You stole my line, Max!
- Not quick enough, Ty.
- It's not rightit's too small.
- Why are you stressing?
- Because everything has to be perfect!
- It will be!
Look at the directions
it's not even in English.
Oh, no you did not!
Great. Very funny.
Let's concentrate please?
It says here that we need to spike the...
...screen into the ground. Exactly.
Now get to work.
Thank you.
Seriouslythank you.
All right, let's do this.
You need help with that spike?
No.
But I sure could use a frosty lemonade.
Let me get that for you, sir.
I'm just a young,
upper middle class waitress.
Oh, that's nice!
I'm just a sweaty carnie
putting up the tent.
I'm gonna wet your t-shirt.
Ooh, yeah, girl!
Spread it all over me!
[laughter]
You two are crazy.
No, that's just their everyday life.
Okay, it is hot as hell out here.
I'm gonna give you two a minute
and go check out the pool.
- Come on, Tyler.
- Why?
[Max] Give them a minute, fool! Come on!
Hammer?
Hammertime!
You're fired!
What is this? I'm a producer,
I don't have to use this.
I'm sorry, sweetie, about before.
I didn't mean to make
you feel all alone in this.
I'm sorry, too.
I can be a little...
- What?
- I don't know...
maybe sometimes I'm not
perfect. I can be, maybe, even...
imperfect, I... what's the
word I'm looking for?
I'm not falling for that. Not doing it.
- I love you, Gobo.
- I love you too, Wembley.
How's this work? What are we doing?
We are pounding stakesboom, boom, boom.
- Every one of these.
- Is this thing big enough?
Well, I've never had any complaints.
Really?
Nope.
Get to work.
[Simon] Hello, boys!
- Oh, hey!
- Hi.
- What are we doing?
We're blowing up this big bouncy castle.
Squee! Oh my god, I love bouncy castles!
Do we have any more molly?
Yeah, but...
I don't think that's
a bouncy castle, babe.
Waityou guys have molly?
Oh my god, Brent, we should
totally watch the movie trippin'!
I can't believe you, Fred!!
- What?
- Get the fuck out of here!
What did I do now?
We are having...
a baby!
Not tonight we're not!
This is my night!
Who'd you say?
I mean this is our night.
I think you had it right the first time.
It's fine! It's your night,
it's your night.
I didn't mean it that way.
What's wrong with you?
Why can't you just enjoy what
we've accomplished together?
I'm up to my ass in debt
because of your accomplishments.
Fuck you.
It's really expensive to have a baby,
and you seem to think we're ready.
No one's ever ready. You
think straight people are ready?
Half the time they don't see it
coming, which is probably better
so they don't have to deal with
the constant nagging for a year
only to have it continue for
another nine fucking months!
Well.
Enjoy your night, because you earned it.
Oh, great.
That's great!
You're just gonna walk away?
And you're worried about me?
At least I wouldn't walk out on the kid!
Oh, shit.
- Well, that went well.
- Max!
Sorry.
Don't worry about it, Fred,
he'll walk it off.
I don't think he will.
Why would you say that?
I don't know, Ty.
Maybe I'm scared, too.
I wasn't talking
about taking heroin,
I was talking about
ecstasy. Jesus Christ!
We have ecstasy?
Really?
Guys, can we just get this
show on the road?
We've got to get this
together for tonight.
No.
I'm gonna see how he's doing.
What is wrong with you?
I don't know what to do, Max.
I love him so much, and yet
everything I do just
seems to disappoint him.
That's just not true.
He is very proud of you,
and he's proud of the film,
and he's so happy to be
starting a family with you.
He's just being...
you know...
Brent.
Maybe he's right.
Maybe I am being selfish
and self-centered with all this.
I am the wrong guy
to talk to about that.
- Yeah, that's true.
- Wait... what?
Yo, guys.
Hey, where is everybody?
Michael was supposed to
meet me at the cafe,
and then I thought Dalton was gonna
help you here. Have you heard from them?
No.
I guess we are on our own.
All right, well... I'll be back later.
Good luck! Looking forward to it.
Thanks, man.
[Brent] Out of curiosity,
how much do you pay
Simon and Tyler to do nothing?
Don't get me started.
You all right carrying
that in your condition?
My back hurts, but I'll live.
- Hi, guys.
- Hello.
Hey.
Enjoying the retention pond?
Beautiful.
That's where your water comes from.
I am concerned about you...
and Fred, all right?
You're not sticking me with this baby.
That's a horrible thing to say!
Seriously! This was your idea.
You two gotta get your shit together.
I've got my shit togetherit's
your brother. He's the one that
dropped ecstasy right before
you're about to drop the baby.
That's not about to happen...
Ahh!!!
Okay!
Ah, okay!
She needs a doctor!
- You're so easy!
- Oh, my god. Stop.
That's your idea of comedy? Not funny.
Takea toweldon't chap
your ass on the trees.
You should've seen your face!
I don't know why I married
into this familyyou're evil.
You'll make such a good mom.
- I'm not talking to you any more.
- C'mon, I'm just playing around.
You'll know when I'm gonna
have the babyI'll drop my water
- on your lesbian sandals.
- These are not Birkenstocks!
They say Birkenstocks, but
they are not Birkenstocks.
[water splashes]
Are you not wearing underwear?
- That's important right now?
- Did your water just break?
- What are you doing here?
- I heard you and Fred so I followed you.
- You're stalking us?!
- I'm trying to protect you guys.
Are you two fucking serious?!
- Can you call Jay?
- No, he's too far away.
- Hold on, I got it.
- What?
[phone chimes]
Is that GROWLr?!
My friend's a doctor.
- Do you need help?
- Are you a doctor?
I'm a programmer.
Great! Let's get drunk
and play video games.
Focus! Does anyone
know how to deliver a baby?
I can deliver a baby!
[Susan] Yeah?
[Brent] What?!
My friend's on the way. He's a doctor.
We don't need another Santa here, Tyler!
It's Wayne!
Do you bus them in?!
Guys! I can deliver a baby!
Simon, my friend's an actual doctor.
Why won't you listen to him?
He can deliver the baby!
I know you guys are a thing but
I've known Simon a long time...
- and he can't...
- Ahh!!
Simon, are you sure?
Yes! Please, trust me!
I won't let you down!
I can do this!
Okay, Simon, what do we do?
Sanitize that sling!
[Brent] What?!
[Tyler] No!
[Fred] We were filming in
a disgusting bath house.
It sounds like it took a long time.
Yeah, and it was ridiculously hot.
I'll bet.
For those of you just
joining the live podcast,
and live, Fred, so don't
say anything you'll regret.
I do that all the time.
Can I borrow him?
[Bill] Of course.
Folks, it looks like Fred
is getting whisked away.
I'm Bill Z and we're gonna
move on to the next segment.
- Is he here?
- Not yet.
Are you guys ready for
some bear-on-bear action?
[applause]
This is a porn, right?
No, seriously, John Adam and I are
so proud to be premiering this film.
I can't believe he's not coming.
He'll be here. Just go
out there and kill it, okay?
You've earned this.
So, without further ado,
I'd like to introduce
a dear friend of mine,
and the director of Beartopia:
Fred Richards-Dean!
[cheers and applause]
Thank you, Pat.
Thank you, guys.
It's really exciting for us to be here.
[everyone talking at once]
This has alcohol in it.
- "Sphincterine"?
- It's like Altoids for your ass.
Why would you need that?
You're kidding.
I like a little...
[Susan] Owww!!!
[everyone shouting at once]
One. Two. Three!
Can I get a towel, Rex?
A clean towel!
Easy, easy...
Lift your head up.
- You got this?
- I got this.
Hey! Hey.
- Yo, John Adam.
- Hey, Roger.
Have you seen Michael or Dalton?
They were here yesterday.
They left their car here because
we lent them an ATV.
They leave you the keys?
Yeah. C'mon, I have them here.
Um... I spent the better part of two years
making this film with my husband Brent.
Who, um...
Who, uh, couldn't be here tonight. Um...
But, uh... who could be here, is, uh...
I mean, who is here is a great guy
who helped me find the pace,
and the heart, really,
of our movie.
The editor of Beartopia:
Mr. Max Russo.
[applause]
- Push!
- Ahhh!!!
Do you have reception?
Wayne's on the way.
Come on! Is that right?
No, no! Don't swing!
Just push.
You can do it! Come on! Push!
Clear that cart and put
clean towels down, now!
This place is ridiculous!
Look at me: what do you need?
I need Fred.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Okay!
- Thank you.
I'll grab him!
Yes! Come on, you can do it!
We're doing it!
Thanks everyone for being here.
We're waiting for the sun to set
before we start the film.
Until then...
Whoa... you are cute!
You and me later... head shed...
...bring your friends. Okay?
He was talking to me.
I don't think so, Dick Dynasty.
Oww!
- Never stops, does it, Max?
- Well, you know...
- How are ya?
[Tyler] Fred!!
Fred!!
Whoa!!
- Chris! Where's Fred?!
- He's under the screen!
We're having a baby!
- Now?!
- Yes!
- Is Brent with her?
- Yes! Come on!
- Max!
- I got this!
Give it up, people!
Myboy is having a baby!
Go... that way...
down... straight that way.
Suze!!
I'm coming!
Brent!
Okay, Susan, one more push,
we're almost there!
Ahh!!!
Oh my god, this is so gross!
I need towels and waternow!
[Brent sobbing and laughing]
Wayne, thank god you're here.
It looks like Simon's
doing a pretty good job.
[Simon] Get him off me!
[Brent sobbing]
Babythat was amazing!
Oh... my god.
You are dead!
[Fred] Brent!
Fred!
Baby, I'm so sorry!
I'm sorry, too.
- And I'm sorry I missed it.
- You got here right on time.
No, he didn't.
Oh, my god!
Suzie!
Guess what I just saw?
A shooting star?
Noyour wish come true.
I love you, sis.
You better.
Look at you.
I'm a mess.
Congratulationsyou have
a healthy baby boy.
[baby cries]
Give the boy to him,
get me out of this sling.
Oh, god, he's so heavy!
Oh, god.
[Brent sobbing]
He's beautiful.
[baby crying]
Oh, god, we're fathers now.
Yeahwe are.
Congratulations, boys!
Thank you so much, Simon.
I knew you could do it.
[Fred] Yeah, thank you, Simon.
Wait... what did Simon do?
He delivered the baby!
[Tyler] Simon...
[Fred] What?
I'm sorry I didn't believe in you.
It's okay.
I'll always believe in you.
I believe in all you guys.
We're a family.
All of us.
Fuck! Shit!
Wait, wait!
The tree line.
What about it?
We're losing light...
and fatty ate all the food.
I'm still here!
The interstate is down that
hill, just past those trees.
You sure?
Trust. We got this.
- Okay!
- Yeah?
Let's do it!
[Michael] Okay!
Y'all ready?
Here we go.
[Emma] We just need enough
speed to get past the tree line.
[Michael] Oh, trust mewe will.
Woo hoo!!
It worked!!
Ah ha ha!!
Yes!!
There you guys are
I've been looking for you!
You are a life saver!
She's the life saver!
Yes, she is.
Actually,
my other dad is the life saver.
Aww!
[John Adam] This has
been an exciting evening.
What do you think, Dan
should webuild a nursery?
[Dan] "Cub Care Available."
Your mom will love it.
As long as we don't build
it near The Pavilion.
[laughter]
Fred, do you want to hold him?
Umm...
Come on, you're ready.
Okay.
Support his head.
Aww.
[Fred] Hi.
He has our eyes.
Yeah.
[Fred] I love you, sis.
I love you.
[Fred] Hey, sweetheart.
You got a name yet?
- Uh...
- We didn't...
The movie's almost finished.
Am I doing the Q-and-A solo?
[audience cheering]
[Michael] Brilliant! Love it!
Bravo!
That may not have been a porn,
but it certainly was hot!
[Pat] Fred, we'll talk later about
getting me in touch with that Nate guy.
(Roger used to be with Nate.)
[Pat] Now I'll hand the mic over
to the creators of the film
for a little Q-and-A, and also
to introduce us to the newest
member of The Woods family.
I'll take it from here. Get
off my grass patch, girl.
[Max] Give it up for Pat, naked people!
Thank you, Pat.
My name is Maximiliano Russo.
I'm your fearless film editor.
Please welcome producer Brent
and director Fred Richards-Dean!
[applause]
[Michael] Fred, Fred!
[Tyler] Ma'am, your breasts are leaking!
Quiet, you'll wake the baby.
- (That baby is so adorable.)
- (So adorable.)
- (You did that.)
- (I did that.)
We'd like to introduce you to our
beautiful baby boy:
Little "Tea Dance."
Hey!
It's not always about you two.
Otherwise known as Justin Richards-Dean.
[applause and cheering]
[Fred] Hey, guys. Any questions?
[Fred] Yes...?
[crowd screams]
Ahhhh!!!!!!
Oh, no!
Oh, my god!!
I can help him!
Calm down Roger.
This will hurt a little bit.
[Roger] Ahh!!!!
I've got it under controltry to relax.
Don't touch my hand!
I'm sorry!
Tyler, call 911. Now!
[Max] Give us some room.
Oh, Jayplease don't let me die.
Roger, I'm not gonna let you die.
We need an ambulance
to The Woods Campground.
3500 Forest Street.
Please hurry!
Oh, god, Jay, what's happening to me?
Roger, the tent stake
I think it nicked your aorta.
But I've got the
bleeding under control.
We're gonna get through
this, okay? I promise.
Jay, I'm...
I'm sorry.
[Roger] I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry, too, Roger.
[Jay] Just try to relax, okay?
[Jay] At least we stopped the bleeding.
[Tyler] Roger!
Jesus, Jay, is he dead?!
Tyler, please calm down!
He's okay.
He's in shock. But...
I'm sorry, Tyler. I didn't mean
to hurt him this way...
when I saw the two
of you together...
It's okay, JayI know.
- He just...
- I know.
I should have known.
But what I need for you to do
right now is to just relax, okay?
Hey.
Is he gonna be all right?
He's gonna be fine.
I've got the bleeding stopped.
As long as I don't move my hand...
we can get him to the emergency room,
this wound will be a
walk in the park for them.
Okay?
Umm...
What?! What is it?
They're sending the fire department, too.
I know.
Your fire department.
I know that, Tyler.
Did you know that when
you put your hand in there?
Yes, I did.
What do you need me to do?
Tyler, I need you to hold my hand...
[approaching sirens wailing]
...and don't let go for nothing.
I won't.
I love you, Jay.
I love you, Tyler.
[Fred] He loves it when
you lift up the stroller.
[Rose] Does he?
- Like a wheelie?
- Yeah!
I'm gonna report you. That's abuse.
[Brent] I'm thinking about
itwhat's the date?
[Rose] Enough with the bears!
- What if he turns out straight? And thin?
- It's a possibility.
Thank you, we would love
to be a part of your festival.
Hold onFred, do we
want to go to Australia?
No! That's way too far
for the baby to travel.
I can take care of him!
- We're gonna pass.
- Why?
Thanks so much. Can I
call you back? Great.
- You'll have to leave him sometime.
- Don't even think about it.
That is true.
[phone vibrates] If this is the
French festival, we are going.
Bonjour! Voulez-vous
coucher avec moi ce soir?
When did my son learn really bad French?
He has this crazy idea that as a producer,
if he learns some local phrases,
they'll take pity on him
and speak English.
It's actually very smart!
[Rose] Look who's here!
Hello, lady!
Good to see you.
Hello, little baby...
Oui, oui... oui. Merci beaucoup!
- We're going to Paris.
- We can't do that!
Zip itwe're going.
What if he gets an ear infection
on the plane? His eardrum could pop!
- Mom, can you help me?
- Shut up or my eardrums will pop.
Help me with this
overprotective man?
- I think you're doomed.
- Thank you.
Michael, where's your family, honey?
We're right here.
Finally good to see you!
- Hi!
- Hi.
- You must be Emma.
- And you must be Mama Rose.
Mama? Very good,
how did you know that?
[Emma] Hey!
Watch your email, Dad.
It's nice to meet you, Mama Rose.
[Rose] It's nice to meet you, so
charming and smart. Fantastic!
Yesshe's my little Anonymous.
Am I missing something?
Are you two actually
texting each other right now?
Don't judge.
It's like I'm raising two children.
[phone vibrates]
Fred. This is Cologne.
- Willst du mich binden?
- Nein!
Did he just ask to be
"tied up" in German?
I think he did.
Hello, love!
[Rose] Look who it is
my favorite. Don't tell the rest.
Hi, beautiful.
You brought the hero!
Congratulations.
Thank you. I was only doing my job.
Ooh, he is being modest.
He was amazing.
Well, it was his fault.
Emma!
Sorry.
[Dalton] Sorry. Kids!
Well, technically, she's right.
I did lose my temper and I'm...
very sorry for that.
But there's some good
news out of it, right?
His best friend's son is
pretty accepting of us.
And he's getting his father on board, too.
I wouldn't go that far. But, I tell you,
it is nice not to have to
live a double life anymore.
And the guys at the
firehouse love me!
I bet they do.
That's true.
And we're heading to
his family reunion, as well.
Never to be heard from again.
Shut up.
[Rose] Everything's perfect!
There's Roger over
there, under the tent.
[Rob] Here you go, just sign here.
Thank you very much for
your support. Have a great day.
- You got it?
- Yeah, we're good.
Are you gonna be
eating all of those cookies?
Um, hello! These are free cookies!
- They're for the customers.
- Which I made.
I know, but do you need to eat them all?
Wow!
- So, Roger...
- Yeah?
What's going on with that Kyle guy?
Oh. Nothing... I'm...
...just gonna focus on myself for a while.
Makes sense.
[Emma] Dad, can I have a cookie?
No.
Emma...
Dadcan I have a cookie?
[Dalton] Michael!
C'mon, Dad, I just...
- I'll take that!
- Simon!
I'm trying to help you out, girl.
Gross!
- Yum!
- Jerk.
[Roger laughs]
So, Roger peddles t-shirts
for Out Of The Closet now?
Babe! He had a near death experience!
I'll have you know he's the
financial advisor for them.
So you boys need to learn some respect.
- Sorry, sir.
- Sorry, Mama Bear.
That's better.
Should we get some cookies?
[Michael] Hallelujah!
[Justin starts crying]
[Brent] One mention of cookies
and you sound the alarm.
Just like his Grandma.
[Fred] I'll get him.
God, I love stroller meat!
I know, right?