Bedknobs and Broomsticks (1971) Movie Script
You there, which way
to Pepperinge Eye?
Couldn't say, sir. lt said on the
wireless to paint out the signposts
in case the Nazis drop in.
l'm not a Nazi!
l'm a British officer!
That's what you'd say
if you was a Nazi, isn't it, sir?
Drive on, corporal.
Sorry to give you so many
but you do have six bedrooms.
No trouble.
Anything to get the poor things away
from those terrible
bombings in London.
What about us?
- Oh, yes. What is your name?
- Rawlins, ma'am.
Oh, yes. Here we are. Carrie.
Charles.
Paul.
You're for Miss Price.
l'm expecting her in.
- Call out the navy
- l won't be a moment.
Please don't touch anything.
Call out the tanks
From the Cliffs of Dover,
call up the gulls
And don't forget
the loyal territorials
But who's digging in here?
Who will defend
Every inch of England,
no matter what they send?
Who's standing firm
in our own front yard?
The soldiers of the Old Home Guard,
that's who
The soldiers of the Old Home Guard
We wrote the story
of the old brigades
We know the glory
of yesterday's parades
Who's standing firm
in our own front yard?
The soldiers of the Old Home Guard,
that's who
The soldiers of the Old Home Guard
- Halt!
- Carry on, sergeant.
Captain Greer, sir,
from headquarters at Tidbury,
here to check military preparations.
Tell them Pepperinge Eye
has matters well in hand.
Nevertheless, l...
What on earth is that?
Good morning, General.
l received your message, Mrs Hobday.
- l assume my parcel has arrived.
- lt's in the office.
How lovely.
- Who is that?
- Miss Price. Splendid woman.
Her late father served with me.
What does she burn in this?
lt smells like sulphur.
Ridiculous! One can't make
motor fuel out of sulphur!
Here we are. Another object from
Professor Emelius Browne in London.
- Thank you.
- ls it what you expected?
- l imagine so.
- He sent you a cat last time.
- Professor Browne is well?
- l haven't the faintest idea.
Are we to have
the pleasure of meeting him?
l doubt it. l don't know
Professor Browne personally.
- Was there something else?
- Yes. Would you come this way?
- l'm very anxious to get home.
- Come along, please.
- Get down, Charlie. l want a ride!
- Bash him one!
Stop it this instant!
Children, this is Miss Price.
Carrie, Charles and Paul Rawlins,
all the way from London.
- How do you do?
- How are you, miss?
The government are trying to evacuate
children into the country.
- Very sensible.
- Today they sent us 45.
And l've had to find homes
for all of them at very short notice.
These are the last three. All right,
children. Pick up your things.
You're not suggesting l take
these children into my house?
- Exactly.
- That's quite out of the question.
Children and l don't get on.
l'll believe you, miss.
Come on. Back to London.
Be quiet.
Besides, l have important work to do.
Miss Price, you do have
that entire house to yourself.
According to the Ministry of
Civil Defence, you have no choice.
l see.
lf that is the case
l shall take them into my house,
with the understanding that you find
another home as soon as possible.
Fine. Come along.
Good morning, Miss Price.
There they are!
Oh, Miss Price, what a charitable
thing you are doing,
taking in these
poor unfortunates from the city.
- Hold this very carefully.
- l wonder if l may drop by later.
- Why?
- Consider their spiritual needs.
That won't be necessary.
They won't be with me for long.
My parcel, please.
Bring your things inside.
- Bit murky, ain't it?
- Yeah.
Not another house
round here for miles.
- Wipe your feet.
- Big place, this.
- Who else lives here?
- l live alone.
lt suits my purpose.
All right. Come along, everybody.
Sorry, miss. The cat startled us.
No need for alarm.
You just frightened him.
Yeah, he's scared to death.
You can see that!
- What do you call your cat?
- l don't give animals silly names.
l call him Cosmic Creepers
because that's the name he came with.
You will sleep in here.
This was my father's bedroom.
Be very careful of everything in it.
- You boys take the bed there.
- All right, miss.
- What was your name?
- Carrie, miss.
- You sleep in the sofa in there.
- Thank you, miss.
- ls that all you brought?
- We ain't exactly burdened down.
Travel light, that's us.
l don't think this is going to work
but it seems
that l have no alternative.
We'll do our best, miss.
Really, we will.
Thank you, Carrie.
The bathroom is along the landing.
- Supper is at 6:00. You will wash...
- Wash?
You will wash yourselves
otherwise there will be no supper.
ls that clear?
A house of horror.
That's what we've come to.
Please don't bother to whisper.
l'm exceptionally keen of hearing.
You are planning
to run back to London.
Please do your plotting elsewhere
where l shan't have to listen to it.
l don't know much
about what children eat.
You'll have to make do as l do.
ls there anything in particular
that you fancy?
Sausage and mash,
bubble and squeak,
toad in the hole, fried fish...
Anything at all.
You won't find any fried foods
in this house.
- No fried food?
- No.
How do you keep your health?
Cabbage buds, rosehips,
hyssop seed, elm bark,
wattle yeast and stewed nettles.
''Dear Madam. With this shipment,
the Emelius Browne
College of Witchcraft
sends you its
congratulations
on qualifying for the first degree
of your chosen calling.''
''You may now call yourself
'apprentice witch'.''
''Yours faithfully, Emelius Browne.''
My first broom.
Time to go. Everybody up.
Wake up, Paul.
We're going back to London.
Let's see how we fly this thing.
Here we are.
''Clasp the broom with both hands.''
Yes, of course.
''Never astride the broom.''
Oh, yes, of course.
''A witch is always a lady unless
circumstances dictate otherwise.''
''Take an easy, graceful
sideways position.''
Of course, that's much better.
An easy, graceful sideways position.
There we are. How's that?
''To start up the broom,
your basic formula:
La kipo necriff scrumpet leech!''
l wasn't ready!
Now watch this.
Here we go.
lt's going to be
a little different this time.
All right. l know it's not ladylike.
What's the matter?
- How does she do that?
- She's a witch.
That's the sort of thing witches do.
She don't fly good, do she?
- She's crashed!
- Now's our chance to hop it!
- Suppose she's hurt.
- Go on! You can't hurt a witch.
Look out!
She's proper cross now.
Let's get away from here.
Hang on. l'm having a bit of a think.
A witch she is, says you.
Then let's use the old loaf, says l.
- Let's get back to London.
- What we have here is an opportunity.
She don't want anyone
to know she's a witch, does she?
- Not ruddy likely.
- That's the opportunity.
And l intend to make
the most of it. Come on.
- Bran porridge.
- Thank you, miss.
Very healthful, l'm sure!
- Hurt your foot, Miss Price?
- Just twisted my ankle.
- Sorry to hear that.
- Thank you. lt's nothing serious.
Lovely weather for flying last night.
Why did you say that, Charles?
Game's up, Miss Price.
We know what you are.
l see.
Don't worry, Miss Price.
No one's gonna peach on you.
Thank you. l should be most grateful
if you didn't tell anyone.
Course there would have to be one
or two little changes made round here.
l mean, l'd like to see an occasional
sausage on the table here.
- A bit of strawberry jam.
- Charlie!
Let me handle this.
And another thing, Miss Price.
There will be no more of this wash,
wash, wash, morning and night.
Anything else?
Now you mention it,
l could do with a bit of lolly.
Lolly?
Cash. Cold, hard cash.
You must have buckets of it.
The most accomplished of witches
can't make money out of thin air.
Have you ever heard of a rich witch?
Be that as it may,
you don't want us to blab, do you?
Have you considered
what danger you might be in?
l am a witch, you know.
What will you do?
Turn me into a toad?
Lovely. A toad with pink eyes.
- l might just do that.
- Go on, then. l dare you.
Very well, Charles.
- You shouldn't have said that to her.
- She don't frighten me.
She can't even ride a proper broom.
Excuse me, Charles.
Filigree, apogee,
pedigree, perigee.
Oh, Charlie!
That's better than a toad!
That's a rabbit!
Bother! l never seem
to be able to manage toads.
Stop! Leave him alone!
- Don't let Charlie get hurt.
- My spells don't last very long.
l'm just an apprentice witch.
Look out, Charlie!
You flaming brute!
l'll teach you to do that to me!
Let Cosmic Creepers alone.
Weren't his fault.
l'm afraid it's my fault.
Bad enough not being able
to manage a broom.
l can't perform
a simple, basic spell.
You dared her to do it.
l don't see why we can't all be friends.
Maybe she's not a wicked witch.
Of course l'm not!
- See?
- lf only l could trust you.
You see, the work l'm doing
is so important to the war effort.
- How do you mean?
- l mean exceptionally important.
Most secret.
What do you say, Charlie?
We can keep a secret.
Yeah. lf someone
made it worth our while.
l don't follow.
Simple. You give us something
valuable to seal the pact.
Oh, Charlie,
don't try to be clever again.
lt's for our own protection,
ain't it?
lf we broke the pact, we'd have
to give back the valuable object.
l think it's an excellent idea.
l wonder what l could give you.
Would you settle for one of my spells?
Bet that's not worth much.
Come with me.
- l like you better as a rabbit.
- Shut up, you.
Well, l never had a rabbit.
Careful what you touch in here.
Rum sort of place, ain't it?
When l signed for my witchcraft
course there was a free bonus,
a marvellous travelling spell
if you paid in advance.
l think l'll give you that one.
- ls it valuable?
- Certainly.
Poisoned dragon's liver?
You mean you poison the dragon
or just the liver?
lt comes prepared.
lt's part of the school equipment.
Here we are. The travelling spell.
Everybody gather round.
All right now. Let's see.
Does any one of you have
a bracelet or a ring?
- Something that you can twist.
- No, Miss Price.
- What about you, Paul?
- Always carry a few things around.
Never know when they might come
in useful. Piece of blue glass.
Lovely bit of string.
Horseshoe nail.
What's that?
Knob from the bed upstairs.
- lt twists, don't it?
- Yeah. Twisted right off.
Yes, l think that will be all right.
Carrie, turn the light down
a little bit, will you?
Hellebore, henbane, aconite...
glow-worm fire, firefly light!
There. lsn't that pretty?
ls that all we get?
This knob will now work
the famous travelling spell.
And what's
the famous travelling spell?
- How does it work?
- You take this knob
and put it back on the bed upstairs.
Then turn it smartly
a quarter turn to the left
then in a firm, clear voice,
tell it where you want to go
and the bed will take you there.
Go on!
- Will it really?
- l see no reason to think otherwise.
Thank you for the lovely gift.
Sorry, but it belongs to Paul. He's the
only one who can work the spell.
- Me?
- Yes.
That's right. My knob, weren't it?
That's the way the spell works.
Nice mess he'll make of things.
Oh, bother.
You children run upstairs.
Don't try anything with the bedknob
till l get back.
''Dear Madam,
it grieves me to inform you
that we have been forced to close
down our College of Witchcraft.''
''This means that we shall not
be sending you the final lesson
in which you expressed
so much interest.''
- What's keeping you?
- l've had some very bad news.
ls there anything we can do?
No. No, thank you.
Yes.
Yes, there is something
that Paul can do.
- Me?
- l need the bedknob back.
- l must get to London.
- No. l want to go to the jungle.
Come with me, Paul.
Now, Paul.
Ridiculous as it may seem
to have to explain this
to a six-year-old,
- l do need your help.
- Go ahead.
l was expecting
a very important spell in the mail
from my teacher, Professor Emelius
Browne, and it hasn't come.
What's that got to do with my knob?
l must go to London immediately
and see Professor Browne.
With his help, we may be able
to bring this war to a successful end.
That is why l need the knob.
What is your decision?
Thank you, Paul.
l brought this for your hair.
lt may be windy.
Thank you. lt's ever so nice.
Paul, have you been
to the bathroom?
- Twice.
- Good.
Charles, put on something warmer.
The bed may travel quite fast.
l'm not going.
l'm staying right here.
But why?
All that rubbish about a travelling bed.
lt won't work. That's why.
Carrie, help me to pull the bed out.
We don't want to scratch the wall
when we take off.
How's a ruddy big bed like that
gonna get out of this room
with those little windows?
l don't know. There's a great many
things about magic that l don't know.
- We'll just have to find out.
- Lovely!
Just leave me out of it.
l don't fancy
making a fool of myself.
What's come over you lately, Charlie?
You're no fun any more.
Help me tidy up. We don't want
to go to London with an unmade bed.
- How old is Charles?
- Eleven, going on twelve.
l see. That's what my father used
to call the age of not believing.
What's that supposed to be?
When you rush around
in hopeless circles
Searching everywhere
for something true
You're at the age of not believing
When all the make-believe
is through
That's Charlie to a tee.
When you set aside
your childhood heroes
And your dreams are lost
upon a shelf
You're at the age of not believing
And worst of all you doubt yourself
Throw that away.
You're a castaway
where no one hears you
On a barren isle in a lonely sea
What's that? Poetry?
Where did all the happy endings go?
Where can all the good times be?
Everyone on the bed who's going.
You must face the age
of not believing
Doubting everything you ever knew
The knob.
Until at last you start believing
There's something wonderful in you
Lovely sentiment, l'm sure.
- Are you ready, Paul?
- Yes, Miss Price.
Repeat after me.
Take us to
Professor Emelius Browne...
Very good.
Headmaster, Correspondence
College of Witchcraft.
..of Witchcraft, London.
When l say go,
tap the knob three times
and turn it a quarter turn
to the left.
- Left...
- That's it.
We'd better hold on tight.
The behaviour of the bed
is something l'm not sure of.
Let me breathe a little.
All right, Paul. Ready? Go.
One... two... three...
- ls this London?
- Course it is!
- Smell that lovely sooty air.
- Marvellous, ain't it?
- Charles, are you convinced?
- Not yet l ain't.
l don't see no Professor Browne.
Neither do l.
You children look after the bed
while l make enquiries for Mr Browne.
- l told you this bed wouldn't work.
- Don't start that again.
lt didn't work. lt was supposed
to take us to Professor Browne.
- ''Professor Browne.''
- Come on!
Ladies and gentlemen,
gather round, please.
Please note the name:
Professor Emelius Browne.
l am here to divert, to amuse,
and, yes, even to help you.
- There he is!
- lt is not what things are...
lt is what they seem to be.
ls that not so?
That ain't the kind
of professor l expected.
l'm not sure it's the kind
Miss Price expected, either.
What effect a little smoke is...
with a dash of hocus-pocus
and the scent of burning...
and the scent
of burning sulphur in the air.
And now, for my next trick,
may l draw your attention
to this solid piece
of ordinary window glass,
framed in an ordinary
unprepared frame.
May l also draw your attention
to this perfectly ordinary steel nail.
Now l shall place the framed glass
in this brown, unprepared...
Unprepared, mark you...
Unprepared brown paper bag.
l shall now attempt to drive
the steel nail through the glass
without breaking the glass.
''lmpossible!'' l hear you say.
We shall see.
He ain't very good,
even if he is a professor.
l tell you what l'm going to do.
No, please don't go.
Don't leave now
and regret lost opportunities later.
You, young sir. Would you care
to warble like the storied nightingale?
With this inexpensive device,
you can charm the very birds
down from the trees, like so.
- How much?
- For you, sir, one penny.
One copper coin of the realm.
Carrie, l'm very surprised
at you wandering off like this.
We found him for you, miss.
We found Professor Browne.
Don't work. l've been cheated!
ls that Professor Browne?
lt is indeed, my dear.
How may l serve you?
Would you be interested in the mating
call of the Brazilian bird of love?
Very useful, eh?
You are the headmaster of the
Emelius Browne College of Witchcraft?
The late headmaster.
The college, alas, is now defunct.
Professor Browne,
l am one of your pupils.
My dear lady, you are indeed
an ornament to the college.
- Splendid.
- Not at all.
l was shocked when you
closed down the college
without that most important
last lesson.
l'm sorry, my dear. No refunds.
Look at your contract.
But l must have the spell
that comes with the last lesson!
The matter is closed.
l bid you good day.
l have an appointment at my club.
The matter is not closed!
- Don't let him get away.
- Righto!
Here we are.
Will you get this child off my leg?
Filigree, apogee, pedigree, perigee.
Now l trust you'll behave
more like a gentleman.
Look out!
There goes another rabbit.
What was all that about?
l changed you into a rabbit
with one of your own spells.
My spell? From my school?
Not one of your best spells.
lt doesn't last.
Some of your others are much better.
But l don't understand. My spell?
They were just nonsense words
from an old book.
They worked perfectly well for me.
They work for you?
Good woman! Some kind of destiny
has brought us together.
You got these spells
out of some old book, you say?
l changed them round a bit.
l gave them a bit
of my own style, as it were.
The old sorcerers did have
a bit of a tendency to waffle on.
But dear lady, l never thought
l'd meet somebody like you.
What a treasure.
Mr Browne, will you please
stick to the point.
l would like to see this book
immediately.
Certainly. lt's at my new town house.
Would you care
to join me for luncheon?
We can discuss my ideas
at the same time.
Thank you. We'd be delighted.
We shall all go together.
- On the bed?
- On the bed, Paul. Come along.
You go round the other side.
l always travel on the left.
Will you give the address
to Paul, please?
May l ask how we are going
to get there on this bed? Fly?
My dear Professor,
with your own travelling spell.
The one you gave with the course
as a bonus.
My travelling spell?
That works as well?
Just give the address, please.
Bed, take us to 8 Winchfield Road.
Madam, is this vehicle safe?
Perfectly. A bit theatrical, perhaps,
but then most good spells are.
We're here.
l would never have believed it.
You must have given us
the wrong address. Do you live here?
ln fact, l do.
Temporarily, at any rate.
l found the front door open.
The house was deserted.
Everyone has left the neighbourhood.
Why should they do that?
This probably has
something to do with it.
Merciful heavens!
You should be terrified
at the very idea of living here.
You would have thought so.
l am by nature a little bit of a coward.
But then l pondered.
ln the perverse nature of things,
this diabolical object
is probably the best friend
l've ever had.
lt enables me, for the first time
in my life, to live like a king.
Shall we go in?
Rothschild '26. Noble, worldly-wise,
but with a charming
touch of innocence.
Mr Browne, the book. Where is it?
Dear lady, you are relentless.
The book is in the library. We shall
proceed there after our cheese and wine.
Why do you keep the curtains closed?
So that we may enjoy
the gentle glow of candle light.
More likely so's a copper don't peek in
and catch you hiding out here.
Why don't you
have a look round the house?
- l want to chat with Miss Price.
- May we?
Yes, run along.
But don't touch anything.
Remember, this house
does not belong to Mr Browne.
Mr Browne, where is that book?
l must have that spell
on substitutiary locomotion.
- What is it? A toy shop?
- No, it's a nursery.
- Ain't you ever seen a nursery?
- No. And neither have you.
Would you hold this, please?
What do you think of that?
- Well, l... don't know what to think.
- Miss Price.
Think how successful l could be with
an assistant who can really do magic.
Dear lady, have you ever considered
entering show business?
- The what business?
- The theatre!
Pantomimes, village fairs,
the seaside.
Brighton, Blackpool,
follies on the prom.
l have very important work to do.
Listen to me. We could make a packet.
Let us strike a bargain
You possess a gift
But I can speak the jargon
That will give your gift
the needed lift
You possess the know-how
And I command the show-how
Oh, how successful you could be
With me
l'm afraid we're wasting
valuable time.
- What's your name?
- Miss Price.
- Your first name.
- Eglantine.
Eglantine, Eglantine,
oh, how you'll shine
Your lot and my lot
have got to combine
Eglantine, Eglantine,
hark to the stars
Destiny calls us,
the future is ours
As the shine sells the boot
and the blossoms the fruit
All you need to succeed
in your plan
Is the proper ally
upon whom to rely
And I'm your man
For I have an acumen
that's nigh-superhuman
I sell things that nobody can
So I humbly suggest
you accept my behest
I'm your man
Eglantine, Eglantine,
oh how you'll shine
Will you stop?
Your lot and my lot
have got to combine
Eglantine, Eglantine,
hark to the stars
Destiny calls us,
the future is ours
What are you reading?
''lsle of Naboombu.''
- Can't be no such place.
- There is too such a place.
These pictures prove it, don't it?
Bit weird, ain't it?
Animals wearing hats and things.
l like it.
Now where is the book?
Well? Where is it?
At last, Mr Browne!
''The Spells of Astoroth.''
Of course.
Here's the travelling spell.
This is where you got it.
Does one's nose
have to twitch like this?
Oh, you're back, Mr Browne.
Miss Price,
a word about your tactics.
l don't mind being changed
into a hawk or a tiger
or something with dash.
But always a fluffy white rabbit?
lt's intolerable!
Here we are!
Substitutiary locomotion.
''The ancient art of...''
''The spell which creates
this force is five mystic words.''
''These words are...''
But the rest of the book is missing!
Now you see why
l closed down the college.
- But where are the other pages?
- Haven't the foggiest.
- Listen to me!
- l'm all ears.
You will be if you don't pay attention.
Where did you get this book?
l bought it from a street market.
There was a bit of unpleasantness.
He claimed that l'd given him
a dud coin. l ask you!
There was a sort of scuffle.
The book tore.
He got one half and l got the other.
- But where's the other half now?
- lt's probably been thrown away.
But if it still exists,
there's only one place to find it.
- Where is that?
- Portobello Road
Portobello Road
Street where
the riches of ages are stowed
Anything and everything
a chap can unload
Is sold off the barrow
in Portobello Road
You'll find what you want
in the Portobello Road
- Rare alabaster
- Genuine plaster
A filigreed samovar
owned by the tsars
- A pen used by Shelley
- A new Botticelli!
The snippers that clipped
old King Edward's cigars
Made in Hong Kong?
Two bob a dozen, would you say?
- Waterford crystal
- Napoleon's pistols
Society heirlooms with genuine gems
Rembrandts, El Grecos,
Toulouse-Lautrecos
Painted last week
on the banks of the Thames
Very interesting,
but where do they sell books?
There's a little place
around the corner.
Portobello Road, Portobello Road
Street where
the riches of ages are stowed
Anything and everything
a chap can unload
Is sold off the barrow
in Portobello Road
You meet all your chums
in the Portobello Road
Lovely to see you. Goodbye.
What l want
is the other half of this book.
All in good time, my dear.
Burke's Peerage, The Bride Book,
The Fishmonger's Guidebook
l'm looking for
the other part of this.
A Victorian novel, ''The Unwanted Son''
- You don't understand!
- The History of Potting
The Yearbook of Yachting
The leather-bound
''Life of Attila the Hun''
Portobello Road, Portobello Road
Street where
the riches of ages are stowed
Artefacts to glorify a regal abode
Are hidden in the flotsam
in Portobello Road
Who do you think you are?
Tokens and treasures,
yesterday's pleasures
Cheap imitations
and heirlooms of old
Dented and tarnished,
scarred and unvarnished
In old Portobello...
This lady is looking
for the other half of this book.
lt's called ''The Spells of Astoroth''.
l don't keep no torn
or damaged books here.
What do you think l am?
A ruddy wastepaper merchant?
You can eat like a king
in the Portobello Road
There's another bookstore
along here somewhere.
You don't expect
to sell a piano like that, do you?
Let me have a go, my dear fellow.
Portobello Road, Portobello Road
Happy things are happening
in Portobello Road
You feel like a ballerina
when you're hopping like a toad
When you kick your heels up
down in Portobello Road
Come on, ducks!
Come on, girls!
Lovely.
Oh, yeah, play the drums.
Closing time!
Bye!
Portobello Road
Portobello Road
Street where the riches
of ages are stowed
Anything and everything
a chap can unload...
Hey, governor. Something
for the lady friend? Nylons?
- No, thank you.
- Petrol coupons?
- Chocs for the little 'uns?
- No.
How about one of these, mate?
Fell off the back of a lorry.
- Be a good chap and run away.
- Would you fancy this, then?
Now you have my undivided attention.
- What can l do for you?
- Get over to the Bookman right away.
He wants to see you. You too.
Who is the Bookman? And what right
has he got to order me about?
l think we'd better
ask questions later.
Excuse me.
Sorry, guv.
No one told me about the stairs.
Why didn't you
bring Scotland Yard, Swinburne,
and half the Household Cavalry
as well?
What's the bed for?
lt's a present for you.
That's what he said.
Nothing of the sort.
The bed belongs to me.
Except for this knob, which is mine.
Bookman, there's been bad blood
between us long enough.
Let this gift begin friendship anew.
- Draw the curtains. Lock the door.
- You'll be snug as a bug.
lsn't that the section of the manuscript
we've been looking for?
- Who is this person?
- Miss Eglantine Price.
A charming young woman
of my acquaintance.
Miss Price, l've been looking
for this other bit a long time.
Mr Swinburne told me you were
in the market making enquiries.
And here we are. l don't mind saying,
to see it all together at last...
- There isn't much l wouldn't do.
- Or haven't done, for that matter.
- Right, guv?
- You'll close your mouth, Swinburne.
ls that clear?
lt's all like a jolly detective story
or jigsaw puzzle, isn't it?
We're both after the same spell.
You have one clue, l have the other.
Yes, in that case, the sensible thing
seems to be for us to cooperate.
l assume you're looking
for the same thing l am.
May l?
This is quite a moment
for both of us.
''Substitutiary locomotion,
the lost miracle of the ancients.''
And so on and so forth.
Here we are.
''The spell which creates this force
is five mystic words.''
''These words are...
engraved on the star that was always
worn by the sorcerer Astoroth.''
But where are the words of the spell?
l assumed they'd be
in your half of the manuscript.
l thought they'd be in yours!
Once again, a dead end.
l shall never know the secret.
lsn't that old Astoroth?
And there's his star.
Pity it's so small
you can't read the writing.
- But why the animals?
- Towards the end of his life,
Astoroth kept animals in cages
in search for the spells that
would make them more like humans.
The legend is that finally the
animals rebelled at the experiment,
killed Astoroth
and stole many of his powers.
lncluding the star
with the spell on it.
Possibly.
They found a ship, sailed away
and were never heard of again.
However, there is a final notation
in my half of the book
saying that in the 1 7th century
a shipwrecked lascar
was taken from the sea
half mad with thirst
and exposure to the sun.
Before he died, he swore he had seen
an island ruled by animals.
Where?
There is,
l regret to say, no such island.
l looked for it in every chart.
The lsle of Naboombu does not exist.
lt does too! Got my own...
- What is he trying to say?
- Nothing!
When he don't say nothing,
he mumbles.
l wish the child to speak!
- Now you've done it.
- There is too such a place.
Got my own book. There.
Real pretty letters, ain't it?
- Let me see it.
- You're not interested, Bookman.
- lt's just a children's book.
- l'll be the judge of that.
- Give it to me.
- No.
Please don't annoy me.
- Give me the book, boy.
- Not likely.
Bit of a stalemate, isn't it?
lf it's all the same to you,
l'd rather use my own.
Sentiment, you know.
Come along, Paul. lt's time to go.
Go? How, my dear? The door is locked.
Observe the fundamental weakness
of the criminal mind.
- You will believe no one or anything.
- l understand.
- The knob, Paul.
- Course you do, my dear.
We can tell them the complete truth.
They will believe nothing.
He's up to something, you know.
Before your very eyes, l shall cause
this bed and the occupants on it
to disappear.
l should like to see a cheap-jack
tenth-rate entertainer
do a trick like that.
''Cheap-jack entertainer.''
- That was naughty.
- All right, Paul.
- Where to?
- To the lsland of Naboombu.
- l'm very curious about that place.
- Good.
Bed, take us
to the lsland of Naboombu.
Enough of this nonsense!
Get the book!
Beastly climate.
l never did fancy the sea.
- Where are we?
- Naboombu, of course.
l've never seen
no island like this before.
l'm afraid we may have
fallen into the lagoon.
That's right.
Here we are on page three.
Oi, Mr Codfish!
Hello, young fellow!
Welcome to Naboombu Lagoon.
Now l'm hearing things.
Fish don't talk.
Not too bright, is he?
- He's my brother.
- Oh? Sorry.
Mr Codfish,
where is the lsland of Naboombu?
You mean the land part? Oh, that.
Straight up. You can't miss it.
None of my business, of course,
but l shouldn't go there
if l were you.
- Having troubles, they are.
- Troubles?
He's right, you know.
A lot of trouble.
Trouble or not,
we should be getting along.
- l wish to see who is in charge.
- What's the rush?
lt's really rather splendid
down here. For you, my dear.
Thank you.
How pleasant...
Bobbing along
Bobbing along on the bottom
of the beautiful briny sea
What a chance to get a better peep
At the plants and creatures
of the deep
We glide
Far below the rolling tide
Serene
Through the bubbly blue and green
It's lovely bobbing along
Bobbing along on the bottom
of the beautiful briny sea
What if the octopus,
the flounder and the cod
Think we're rather odd?
It's fun to promenade
Bobbing along, singing a song
On the bottom
of the beautiful briny sea
Look!
It's lovely bobbing along
Bobbing along on the bottom
of the beautiful briny sea
What a chance to get a better peep
At the plants
and creatures of the deep
It's grand
When you're dancing on the sand
Each glance
Bubbles over with romance
It's lovely bobbing along
Bobbing along through the water
Where we get along swimmingly
Far from the frenzy
of the frantic world above
- Two beneath the blue
- Could even fall in love
Bobbing along, singing a song
On the bottom
of the beautiful briny sea
Bobbing along, singing a song
On the bottom of the beautiful briny,
shimmery shiny
Beautiful briny sea
Bravo!
Most exciting, most exciting.
You've won the ruddy cup.
Help!
This time l really caught a whopper!
People! Oh, no!
What scurvy luck.
- My goodness!
- l'll deal with this, my dear.
- Don't you know that...
- Good day, captain.
l used to be a bit
of a seafaring man myself.
Many's the time
l've shipped out of Portsmouth.
Delighted to meet a fellow mariner.
Now stow it, mate.
- Oh, really!
- Can't you read reading?
lt says... ''No peopling allowed.''
- Ridiculous!
- Don't antagonise him, Mr Browne.
That means l've got to throw you
all back. That's what to do.
Wait it minute! lt says here
that anybody can see the king.
- And that's the law.
- Where do it say that?
Here in my book.
So it do.
But if you people knew
what was good for you,
you'd get yourselves
all throwed back.
The king don't like people!
Nonetheless, we must see the king
on an urgent personal matter.
Please lead the way.
But just don't say
l didn't warn you. See?
Follow me.
Get out of here!
Yes. What can l do for you?
l caught some people
down at the sea lagoon.
They want to see the king.
Really? Well, we can't be bothered
with that sort of thing now, can we?
l don't know that l fancy this.
His Majesty is in a frightful rage.
Excuse me, sir.
As an all-round entertainer,
l am considered not without talent.
Perhaps l can cheer him up.
No, no. You don't understand.
As everyone knows,
His Majesty is
the world's greatest soccer player.
But due to a technical problem,
the Royal Cup match
cannot take place today.
And His Majesty
had so set his heart on it!
Throw these... creatures
back into the sea.
Aye, aye, sir.
Just a moment! l can help!
Do you really think so?
l'd be most grateful.
Do you know soccer?
Do l know anything about soccer?
Why, l was captain of Tottenham
Hotspurs for two years.
Three seasons
with Manchester United...
Yes, yes. You'll do.
Come this way, please.
Mr Browne,
are you certain you'll be all right?
Now what?
Not an ideal person
in many respects,
but Mr Browne is a very brave man.
Do you think he's done for?
Do you think so?
l can't tell you how
l appreciate this.
For some reason
we have great difficulty
finding referees round here.
lf there be one thing we like,
it's volunteers, eh, Birdy?
He's a proper king!
Look at his crown!
What's he got round his neck?
What a magnificent... ornament, sire.
Ah, yes.
Wouldn't be without it.
Been in the family for years.
The Star of Astoroth!
You're to sit
in His Majesty's royal box.
No littering, no chewing, no fruit
or wrappers or sweets. Please.
Rise, please.
Loyal fans,
this is official.
We have a volunteer referee.
Let the match begin!
He's still wearing it!
Right, Dirty Yellows,
let's have a clean game.
Right, True Blues, best foot forward.
Weird sort of game they play here.
Hurry up! Get rid of it!
Gracious!
You're doing fine, matey.
Move it around.
Get on with the match!
- Foul!
- They're only animals.
That's no excuse for dirty football.
Ref, are you blind?
Be quiet, Charles!
Don't forget who the referee is!
- Don't they have no rules?
- Course they do.
The king makes them up
as he goes along.
Poor Mr Browne.
Do you think he's all right?
Well, he's moving.
Steady, matey. Move it around.
He almost had it then.
Looks like he's done for this time.
Don't just stand there! Head it in!
Stop... that... ball!
Goal!
Game's over. l win.
Let me give you a hand, matey.
That's quite all right, Your Majesty.
Thank you so much.
Please, let me help you
on with your robe.
Why, yes. Thank you.
Can't have you
catching cold, sire, can we?
Why, no.
Have you ever heard of something
called the gypsy switch?
No, can't say that l have.
Remind me to
tell you about it some time.
l can't tell you when
we've had such a good time.
We'll carry your memory
in our hearts for a long while.
l think it's time to leave.
Must you go?
Must be dashing. Marvellous game.
Lovely to see you. Goodbye.
Friendly lot.
Don't mind them visiting.
Wouldn't want them living here.
- Come along, children.
- Hurry up.
Stop gibbering!
What's the matter with you?
Your Royal Star!
They've stolen your Royal Star!
Don't be ridiculous.
What do you think this is?
Why didn't you say so?
Paul, put the knob on the bed.
At last the magic words.
Treguna mekoides trecorum satis dee.
l'll keep it.
Women always lose things.
- Hurry, Paul! The knob!
- lt's stuck!
- l suppose l'd better do something.
- Please do. Quick.
Got it.
Filigree, apogee, pedigree...
Oh, bother. l do hate shoddy work.
l shall never get used to this thing.
Will you push the bed
back into place, please?
l think we could all
do with a nice cup of tea.
No time. l've gone to a lot
of trouble to find this spell.
l'm going to try it immediately.
Mr Browne, kindly let me
have your shoes, please.
- Fine.
- What's the shoes for?
lf you'd been paying attention
l should think you'd be aware
that substitutiary locomotion is the art
of causing inanimate objects
to take on a life force of their own.
l must have inanimate objects
to experiment with.
Makes sense, don't it?
Stand back, everyone.
l need plenty of room.
l want you all
to be absolutely quiet.
Mr Browne, you have
the Star of Astoroth, l believe.
Oh, yes. lt's in my nice clean hanky.
lt's all right, Mr Browne.
l should have realised
that it would be impossible
to take an object
from one world into another.
lf only l would have had the sense
to remember the words on that star.
- l know the words.
- Don't bother her. She's thinking.
Why don't you and l nip out
and get something for supper?
And l might conceivably
call into the pub for a pint
to steady my nerves.
l do know the words, Miss Price.
How can you know the words
when Miss Price doesn't?
Troop movements and massing
of barges in French and Dutch ports.
The prime minister
has told the nation
to be on the alert for signs
of a possible invasion.
That was the news.
l might have been able
to do something about this.
lt's out of your hands now, my dear.
lf only l could have remembered
those words. lt's maddening.
Why don't someone ask me?
Come off it, Paul. You can't remember
those kind of words.
You mean like ''Treguna mekoides
trecorum satis dee''?
- How do you know that?
- Easy.
Says so right here in my book.
You mean it was there
in your book all the time?
Yeah. But nobody ever listens to me.
Treguna mekoides
trecorum satis dee.
Nothing happened!
Am l doing something wrong?
Well, it does seem
a bit old-fashioned.
After all, we are
in the 20th century.
- What do you suggest?
- lt needs rhythm. Tempo.
Music.
As l always say, do it with a flair.
- Do you mind if l have a go?
- Of course not.
Come along, you lot!
We need all the help we can get.
Treguna mekoides trecorum satis dee.
Substitutiary locomotion
Mystic power that's far
beyond the wildest notion
It's so weird, so feared,
yet wonderful to see
Substitutiary locomotion come to me
Now!
Treguna mekoides
trecorum satis dee.
I don't want locomotiary substitution
Or remote intransecory convolution
Only one precise solution is the key
Substitutiary locomotion it must be
Substitutiary locomotion
Lovely substitutiary locomotion
You've made substitutiary history
With treguna mekoides
and a little help from me
- With treguna mekoides and...
- Trecorum satis dee
Mr Browne, what is going on here?
l haven't the foggiest.
How do you do?
Shall we?
- That's my nightgown!
- ls it really, my dear?
l'm not responsible
for its behaviour.
Obviously not, my dear.
Paul, what on earth are you doing?
Having a jolly good time,
that's what.
- How can we stop all this?
- Must we? lt's most agreeable.
But we must do something.
Didn't l give you
my all-purpose cut-off spell?
- Lesson number eight.
- Eight.
- Yes, number eight l think it was.
- Oi! My Sunday trousers!
Buzz off, old chap.
Find your own dancing partner.
Be careful, Carrie! Slow down!
Mr Browne, will you please
control your shoes?
Dear lady, l very much fear
that we have nothing under control.
Do you mind?
Now, who would like some more
of my lovely sausages and mash?
- No more for me, thank you.
- Carrie?
l've already had two helpings.
- l'm full.
- Me, too.
At least somebody wants some.
Cheer up, my dear. This should
be something of a celebration.
l'm sorry, but there doesn't
seem to be much to celebrate.
- l still haven't mastered that spell.
- Of course you have.
You just need a little more practice.
- Do you really think so?
- No doubt about it.
Meantime, there's nothing
to liven the spirits
like a little master juggling.
Right, Charlie?
Go on then, guv!
Give us some juggling!
Very few better than me at this.
All you need is 20 years' practice
and a touch of genius.
Never happened to me before.
l don't usually juggle
with cats under my feet.
Look! She's laughing!
- Mrs Hobday. Do come in.
- l can't stop, my dear.
l've just come by
to bring you the good news.
Mr Bistlethwaite,
who brings the milk, you know?
He's promised
to take the children in!
He and his wife have got that farm.
Just the place for growing children.
Put a bit of colour
back in their cheeks.
Why, what's the matter?
l thought you'd be pleased.
You told me yourself that you had
no time to take care of children.
Circumstances have changed somewhat.
We got a dad now. Mr Browne.
- Paul!
- Miss Price, is this true?
Of course. You do want him to stay
with us, don't you, Miss Price?
l suppose
l hadn't really thought about it.
What about him?
What do you say about it, Mr Browne?
lt's all rather sudden!
l don't quite know what to say.
Then l'll leave you two
to talk it over.
l'll come back in the morning!
Good night!
lt is true, Mr Browne. You are going
to be our father now, aren't you?
We are rather rushing things,
aren't we?
Perhaps Mr Browne has other things
besides you children to think about.
Yes. As a matter of fact
l should have left ages ago.
l must get a train
back to London tonight.
lt's rather an important matter.
l'd like to tell you about it,
but it's a little bit hush-hush.
Sort of a secret.
Well... if...
lf l've been any sort of help to you,
l'm pleased.
You've been immensely kind.
Thank you.
l've enjoyed being with you.
Perhaps it's been good for all of us.
Will you be coming back?
Some day, my dear. l certainly hope
that we shall meet again.
Some day.
When all this war business is over.
- l see.
- Perhaps l shall realise my dream.
Eglantine and Emelius:
illusionists extraordinary!
Just think how that
will look on the poster.
The children are going to miss you.
- You really think they will?
- Yes.
Well, l shall miss you. All of you.
lf l don't go now
you might never get rid of me.
Goodbye, Carrie.
- Must you really go?
- l think it's best for everybody.
- Goodbye, Paul.
- l think you should be our father.
Goodbye, Charlie.
Do you want me to come down
to the station with you?
No, no. You stay here
and look after everybody.
- Goodbye, Miss Price.
- Goodbye, Mr Browne.
- When is the next train to London?
- Lord bless ye, ain't no train.
Not until milk job,
- Mind if l await it here?
- Suit yourself. Good night, sir.
Good night.
Out you go, Cosmic.
Hello?
Emelius Browne, do you know
you could be warm and cosy
in that house at this very moment?
For once in your useless life,
you really seem to have been needed.
You're a failure, Emelius Browne,
and a coward.
No, Frulein, this is not
the invasion, just a little exercise.
A minor raid to induce panic
and to spread a little mischief.
When you English get it
through your head
that the German forces can land
whenever and wherever we please,
perhaps you will consider
reasonable peace.
Not bloody likely!
Go on, Miss Price. Do it to him.
l must say, it's very tempting.
Colonel, how would you feel
about being turned into a white rabbit?
l said, how would you feel
about being turned into a white rabbit?
Be quiet, please.
Filigree, apogee, epogee...
- Not again!
- Your memory, Miss Price.
Would you kindly fetch my notebook
from the workroom?
Righto.
Silence!
We have work to do.
l am sorry, but l must send
all of you some place
where you will no longer
be a nuisance.
As the words sell the tune
And the moonbeams the moon
All I need to succeed in my plan
Is a champion rare
with a flourish and a flair
Eglantine!
Where's the spell for rabbits?
The easiest of all, she said.
Confound it, can't women ever learn
to file things properly?
Here it is.
Filigree, apogee, pedigree, perigee.
That's it.
Filigree...
apogee, pedigree, perigee.
Come along. For once in your life,
you've got to believe in something.
That's it. Good lad.
Filigree, apogee, pedigree, perigee.
What's the use of putting us
in that draughty castle?
lt's quite chilly.
The colonel believes when a British
female decides to become a nuisance,
she can become
the greatest nuisance in the world,
and l'm inclined to agree with him.
You need a lesson in manners.
lf l had my notebook,
l'd make certain you'd learn a few.
Jumping Jehosophat! More Jerries!
Take it easy, can't you?
- Try holding your breath.
- l am holding it.
We could strip him down
and grease him with soap.
No, it's no good. We can't do it.
l could have told you that
in the first place.
lf we can't get Paul out we'll just
have to think of something else.
What about that spell
that makes things move about?
- But l'd need weapons.
- How about all these things?
l'm afraid they're a bit ancient.
- Where did this come from?
- lt's Mr Browne!
He's on his way to London.
Mr Browne?
lf you are Mr Browne,
would you get off my lap?
lt is Mr Browne!
lt is you!
You didn't think
that l could do that spell, did you?
l am glad to see you!
But what about all these Germans?
What's wrong with
the substitutiary locomotion spell?
- That ought to be useful.
- lt isn't ready yet.
- You saw what happened.
- We have to chance it.
We can't let these so-and-sos
get away with their beastly little raid.
Won't you get up off the floor?
We'll go to work.
- Jolly good luck, my dear.
- Thank you.
Let's hope you haven't
forgotten the spell.
- Not this time.
- Found this in the castle.
Probably not magic,
but it might make you feel more at home.
Thank you.
That was very thoughtful of you.
Let's get out of Miss Price's way.
Treguna...
mekoides...
trecorum...
satis dee.
Look!
Sound the advance!
Just in time for the kick-off.
Steady on the left.
Victory for England and St George!
Like a Lord Mayor's show!
Pikemen, hold your distance.
Treguna mekoides
and trecorum satis dee
Blimey!
- Where's it coming from?
- Sounds like the sea road, sir.
Come on, lads! After me.
Good shooting, bowmen!
Well caught, sir. Very good.
Knock his block off! That's it!
Mr Browne,
make those children take cover!
Are you still there, Colonel?
l thought you'd be on your way by now.
You see? Things may not
be so easy for you after all.
Goodbye, Colonel!
Eglantine.
Dear Mr Browne.
- We thought they'd damaged you.
- See? No one can hurt Miss Price.
There they are, lads!
l said something was afoot!
All right. Drive them into the sea.
Firing positions. Both sides.
All right, men. Hold your fire.
l think we've taught
the Hun a lesson.
He'll think twice
before coming back here again.
lt's tragic. All your spells,
your equipment. All gone.
Still, l was able to perform
some small service first.
That mean you ain't gonna
be a witch no more? Never?
No, Paul. l realised some time ago
that l could never be a proper witch.
Was it that first magic moment
when you laid eyes on me?
No. lt was the day
my poisoned dragon's liver arrived.
l knew that anyone who felt the way
l did about poisoned dragon's liver
had no business being a witch.
- Certain you're doing the right thing?
- Well, l think so.
lt's much too dangerous
being a civilian.
Take care of yourself, guv.
l'll do that. And l'll be back
before you've grown an inch taller.
- We'll be together again.
- Sounds like you have an escort.
Well, here we go.
- Permission to move off, sir.
- Carry on, sergeant.
Parade, by the right,
quick march!
Suppose that's it.
We ain't gonna have no fun no more.
Still got this, ain't l?
to Pepperinge Eye?
Couldn't say, sir. lt said on the
wireless to paint out the signposts
in case the Nazis drop in.
l'm not a Nazi!
l'm a British officer!
That's what you'd say
if you was a Nazi, isn't it, sir?
Drive on, corporal.
Sorry to give you so many
but you do have six bedrooms.
No trouble.
Anything to get the poor things away
from those terrible
bombings in London.
What about us?
- Oh, yes. What is your name?
- Rawlins, ma'am.
Oh, yes. Here we are. Carrie.
Charles.
Paul.
You're for Miss Price.
l'm expecting her in.
- Call out the navy
- l won't be a moment.
Please don't touch anything.
Call out the tanks
From the Cliffs of Dover,
call up the gulls
And don't forget
the loyal territorials
But who's digging in here?
Who will defend
Every inch of England,
no matter what they send?
Who's standing firm
in our own front yard?
The soldiers of the Old Home Guard,
that's who
The soldiers of the Old Home Guard
We wrote the story
of the old brigades
We know the glory
of yesterday's parades
Who's standing firm
in our own front yard?
The soldiers of the Old Home Guard,
that's who
The soldiers of the Old Home Guard
- Halt!
- Carry on, sergeant.
Captain Greer, sir,
from headquarters at Tidbury,
here to check military preparations.
Tell them Pepperinge Eye
has matters well in hand.
Nevertheless, l...
What on earth is that?
Good morning, General.
l received your message, Mrs Hobday.
- l assume my parcel has arrived.
- lt's in the office.
How lovely.
- Who is that?
- Miss Price. Splendid woman.
Her late father served with me.
What does she burn in this?
lt smells like sulphur.
Ridiculous! One can't make
motor fuel out of sulphur!
Here we are. Another object from
Professor Emelius Browne in London.
- Thank you.
- ls it what you expected?
- l imagine so.
- He sent you a cat last time.
- Professor Browne is well?
- l haven't the faintest idea.
Are we to have
the pleasure of meeting him?
l doubt it. l don't know
Professor Browne personally.
- Was there something else?
- Yes. Would you come this way?
- l'm very anxious to get home.
- Come along, please.
- Get down, Charlie. l want a ride!
- Bash him one!
Stop it this instant!
Children, this is Miss Price.
Carrie, Charles and Paul Rawlins,
all the way from London.
- How do you do?
- How are you, miss?
The government are trying to evacuate
children into the country.
- Very sensible.
- Today they sent us 45.
And l've had to find homes
for all of them at very short notice.
These are the last three. All right,
children. Pick up your things.
You're not suggesting l take
these children into my house?
- Exactly.
- That's quite out of the question.
Children and l don't get on.
l'll believe you, miss.
Come on. Back to London.
Be quiet.
Besides, l have important work to do.
Miss Price, you do have
that entire house to yourself.
According to the Ministry of
Civil Defence, you have no choice.
l see.
lf that is the case
l shall take them into my house,
with the understanding that you find
another home as soon as possible.
Fine. Come along.
Good morning, Miss Price.
There they are!
Oh, Miss Price, what a charitable
thing you are doing,
taking in these
poor unfortunates from the city.
- Hold this very carefully.
- l wonder if l may drop by later.
- Why?
- Consider their spiritual needs.
That won't be necessary.
They won't be with me for long.
My parcel, please.
Bring your things inside.
- Bit murky, ain't it?
- Yeah.
Not another house
round here for miles.
- Wipe your feet.
- Big place, this.
- Who else lives here?
- l live alone.
lt suits my purpose.
All right. Come along, everybody.
Sorry, miss. The cat startled us.
No need for alarm.
You just frightened him.
Yeah, he's scared to death.
You can see that!
- What do you call your cat?
- l don't give animals silly names.
l call him Cosmic Creepers
because that's the name he came with.
You will sleep in here.
This was my father's bedroom.
Be very careful of everything in it.
- You boys take the bed there.
- All right, miss.
- What was your name?
- Carrie, miss.
- You sleep in the sofa in there.
- Thank you, miss.
- ls that all you brought?
- We ain't exactly burdened down.
Travel light, that's us.
l don't think this is going to work
but it seems
that l have no alternative.
We'll do our best, miss.
Really, we will.
Thank you, Carrie.
The bathroom is along the landing.
- Supper is at 6:00. You will wash...
- Wash?
You will wash yourselves
otherwise there will be no supper.
ls that clear?
A house of horror.
That's what we've come to.
Please don't bother to whisper.
l'm exceptionally keen of hearing.
You are planning
to run back to London.
Please do your plotting elsewhere
where l shan't have to listen to it.
l don't know much
about what children eat.
You'll have to make do as l do.
ls there anything in particular
that you fancy?
Sausage and mash,
bubble and squeak,
toad in the hole, fried fish...
Anything at all.
You won't find any fried foods
in this house.
- No fried food?
- No.
How do you keep your health?
Cabbage buds, rosehips,
hyssop seed, elm bark,
wattle yeast and stewed nettles.
''Dear Madam. With this shipment,
the Emelius Browne
College of Witchcraft
sends you its
congratulations
on qualifying for the first degree
of your chosen calling.''
''You may now call yourself
'apprentice witch'.''
''Yours faithfully, Emelius Browne.''
My first broom.
Time to go. Everybody up.
Wake up, Paul.
We're going back to London.
Let's see how we fly this thing.
Here we are.
''Clasp the broom with both hands.''
Yes, of course.
''Never astride the broom.''
Oh, yes, of course.
''A witch is always a lady unless
circumstances dictate otherwise.''
''Take an easy, graceful
sideways position.''
Of course, that's much better.
An easy, graceful sideways position.
There we are. How's that?
''To start up the broom,
your basic formula:
La kipo necriff scrumpet leech!''
l wasn't ready!
Now watch this.
Here we go.
lt's going to be
a little different this time.
All right. l know it's not ladylike.
What's the matter?
- How does she do that?
- She's a witch.
That's the sort of thing witches do.
She don't fly good, do she?
- She's crashed!
- Now's our chance to hop it!
- Suppose she's hurt.
- Go on! You can't hurt a witch.
Look out!
She's proper cross now.
Let's get away from here.
Hang on. l'm having a bit of a think.
A witch she is, says you.
Then let's use the old loaf, says l.
- Let's get back to London.
- What we have here is an opportunity.
She don't want anyone
to know she's a witch, does she?
- Not ruddy likely.
- That's the opportunity.
And l intend to make
the most of it. Come on.
- Bran porridge.
- Thank you, miss.
Very healthful, l'm sure!
- Hurt your foot, Miss Price?
- Just twisted my ankle.
- Sorry to hear that.
- Thank you. lt's nothing serious.
Lovely weather for flying last night.
Why did you say that, Charles?
Game's up, Miss Price.
We know what you are.
l see.
Don't worry, Miss Price.
No one's gonna peach on you.
Thank you. l should be most grateful
if you didn't tell anyone.
Course there would have to be one
or two little changes made round here.
l mean, l'd like to see an occasional
sausage on the table here.
- A bit of strawberry jam.
- Charlie!
Let me handle this.
And another thing, Miss Price.
There will be no more of this wash,
wash, wash, morning and night.
Anything else?
Now you mention it,
l could do with a bit of lolly.
Lolly?
Cash. Cold, hard cash.
You must have buckets of it.
The most accomplished of witches
can't make money out of thin air.
Have you ever heard of a rich witch?
Be that as it may,
you don't want us to blab, do you?
Have you considered
what danger you might be in?
l am a witch, you know.
What will you do?
Turn me into a toad?
Lovely. A toad with pink eyes.
- l might just do that.
- Go on, then. l dare you.
Very well, Charles.
- You shouldn't have said that to her.
- She don't frighten me.
She can't even ride a proper broom.
Excuse me, Charles.
Filigree, apogee,
pedigree, perigee.
Oh, Charlie!
That's better than a toad!
That's a rabbit!
Bother! l never seem
to be able to manage toads.
Stop! Leave him alone!
- Don't let Charlie get hurt.
- My spells don't last very long.
l'm just an apprentice witch.
Look out, Charlie!
You flaming brute!
l'll teach you to do that to me!
Let Cosmic Creepers alone.
Weren't his fault.
l'm afraid it's my fault.
Bad enough not being able
to manage a broom.
l can't perform
a simple, basic spell.
You dared her to do it.
l don't see why we can't all be friends.
Maybe she's not a wicked witch.
Of course l'm not!
- See?
- lf only l could trust you.
You see, the work l'm doing
is so important to the war effort.
- How do you mean?
- l mean exceptionally important.
Most secret.
What do you say, Charlie?
We can keep a secret.
Yeah. lf someone
made it worth our while.
l don't follow.
Simple. You give us something
valuable to seal the pact.
Oh, Charlie,
don't try to be clever again.
lt's for our own protection,
ain't it?
lf we broke the pact, we'd have
to give back the valuable object.
l think it's an excellent idea.
l wonder what l could give you.
Would you settle for one of my spells?
Bet that's not worth much.
Come with me.
- l like you better as a rabbit.
- Shut up, you.
Well, l never had a rabbit.
Careful what you touch in here.
Rum sort of place, ain't it?
When l signed for my witchcraft
course there was a free bonus,
a marvellous travelling spell
if you paid in advance.
l think l'll give you that one.
- ls it valuable?
- Certainly.
Poisoned dragon's liver?
You mean you poison the dragon
or just the liver?
lt comes prepared.
lt's part of the school equipment.
Here we are. The travelling spell.
Everybody gather round.
All right now. Let's see.
Does any one of you have
a bracelet or a ring?
- Something that you can twist.
- No, Miss Price.
- What about you, Paul?
- Always carry a few things around.
Never know when they might come
in useful. Piece of blue glass.
Lovely bit of string.
Horseshoe nail.
What's that?
Knob from the bed upstairs.
- lt twists, don't it?
- Yeah. Twisted right off.
Yes, l think that will be all right.
Carrie, turn the light down
a little bit, will you?
Hellebore, henbane, aconite...
glow-worm fire, firefly light!
There. lsn't that pretty?
ls that all we get?
This knob will now work
the famous travelling spell.
And what's
the famous travelling spell?
- How does it work?
- You take this knob
and put it back on the bed upstairs.
Then turn it smartly
a quarter turn to the left
then in a firm, clear voice,
tell it where you want to go
and the bed will take you there.
Go on!
- Will it really?
- l see no reason to think otherwise.
Thank you for the lovely gift.
Sorry, but it belongs to Paul. He's the
only one who can work the spell.
- Me?
- Yes.
That's right. My knob, weren't it?
That's the way the spell works.
Nice mess he'll make of things.
Oh, bother.
You children run upstairs.
Don't try anything with the bedknob
till l get back.
''Dear Madam,
it grieves me to inform you
that we have been forced to close
down our College of Witchcraft.''
''This means that we shall not
be sending you the final lesson
in which you expressed
so much interest.''
- What's keeping you?
- l've had some very bad news.
ls there anything we can do?
No. No, thank you.
Yes.
Yes, there is something
that Paul can do.
- Me?
- l need the bedknob back.
- l must get to London.
- No. l want to go to the jungle.
Come with me, Paul.
Now, Paul.
Ridiculous as it may seem
to have to explain this
to a six-year-old,
- l do need your help.
- Go ahead.
l was expecting
a very important spell in the mail
from my teacher, Professor Emelius
Browne, and it hasn't come.
What's that got to do with my knob?
l must go to London immediately
and see Professor Browne.
With his help, we may be able
to bring this war to a successful end.
That is why l need the knob.
What is your decision?
Thank you, Paul.
l brought this for your hair.
lt may be windy.
Thank you. lt's ever so nice.
Paul, have you been
to the bathroom?
- Twice.
- Good.
Charles, put on something warmer.
The bed may travel quite fast.
l'm not going.
l'm staying right here.
But why?
All that rubbish about a travelling bed.
lt won't work. That's why.
Carrie, help me to pull the bed out.
We don't want to scratch the wall
when we take off.
How's a ruddy big bed like that
gonna get out of this room
with those little windows?
l don't know. There's a great many
things about magic that l don't know.
- We'll just have to find out.
- Lovely!
Just leave me out of it.
l don't fancy
making a fool of myself.
What's come over you lately, Charlie?
You're no fun any more.
Help me tidy up. We don't want
to go to London with an unmade bed.
- How old is Charles?
- Eleven, going on twelve.
l see. That's what my father used
to call the age of not believing.
What's that supposed to be?
When you rush around
in hopeless circles
Searching everywhere
for something true
You're at the age of not believing
When all the make-believe
is through
That's Charlie to a tee.
When you set aside
your childhood heroes
And your dreams are lost
upon a shelf
You're at the age of not believing
And worst of all you doubt yourself
Throw that away.
You're a castaway
where no one hears you
On a barren isle in a lonely sea
What's that? Poetry?
Where did all the happy endings go?
Where can all the good times be?
Everyone on the bed who's going.
You must face the age
of not believing
Doubting everything you ever knew
The knob.
Until at last you start believing
There's something wonderful in you
Lovely sentiment, l'm sure.
- Are you ready, Paul?
- Yes, Miss Price.
Repeat after me.
Take us to
Professor Emelius Browne...
Very good.
Headmaster, Correspondence
College of Witchcraft.
..of Witchcraft, London.
When l say go,
tap the knob three times
and turn it a quarter turn
to the left.
- Left...
- That's it.
We'd better hold on tight.
The behaviour of the bed
is something l'm not sure of.
Let me breathe a little.
All right, Paul. Ready? Go.
One... two... three...
- ls this London?
- Course it is!
- Smell that lovely sooty air.
- Marvellous, ain't it?
- Charles, are you convinced?
- Not yet l ain't.
l don't see no Professor Browne.
Neither do l.
You children look after the bed
while l make enquiries for Mr Browne.
- l told you this bed wouldn't work.
- Don't start that again.
lt didn't work. lt was supposed
to take us to Professor Browne.
- ''Professor Browne.''
- Come on!
Ladies and gentlemen,
gather round, please.
Please note the name:
Professor Emelius Browne.
l am here to divert, to amuse,
and, yes, even to help you.
- There he is!
- lt is not what things are...
lt is what they seem to be.
ls that not so?
That ain't the kind
of professor l expected.
l'm not sure it's the kind
Miss Price expected, either.
What effect a little smoke is...
with a dash of hocus-pocus
and the scent of burning...
and the scent
of burning sulphur in the air.
And now, for my next trick,
may l draw your attention
to this solid piece
of ordinary window glass,
framed in an ordinary
unprepared frame.
May l also draw your attention
to this perfectly ordinary steel nail.
Now l shall place the framed glass
in this brown, unprepared...
Unprepared, mark you...
Unprepared brown paper bag.
l shall now attempt to drive
the steel nail through the glass
without breaking the glass.
''lmpossible!'' l hear you say.
We shall see.
He ain't very good,
even if he is a professor.
l tell you what l'm going to do.
No, please don't go.
Don't leave now
and regret lost opportunities later.
You, young sir. Would you care
to warble like the storied nightingale?
With this inexpensive device,
you can charm the very birds
down from the trees, like so.
- How much?
- For you, sir, one penny.
One copper coin of the realm.
Carrie, l'm very surprised
at you wandering off like this.
We found him for you, miss.
We found Professor Browne.
Don't work. l've been cheated!
ls that Professor Browne?
lt is indeed, my dear.
How may l serve you?
Would you be interested in the mating
call of the Brazilian bird of love?
Very useful, eh?
You are the headmaster of the
Emelius Browne College of Witchcraft?
The late headmaster.
The college, alas, is now defunct.
Professor Browne,
l am one of your pupils.
My dear lady, you are indeed
an ornament to the college.
- Splendid.
- Not at all.
l was shocked when you
closed down the college
without that most important
last lesson.
l'm sorry, my dear. No refunds.
Look at your contract.
But l must have the spell
that comes with the last lesson!
The matter is closed.
l bid you good day.
l have an appointment at my club.
The matter is not closed!
- Don't let him get away.
- Righto!
Here we are.
Will you get this child off my leg?
Filigree, apogee, pedigree, perigee.
Now l trust you'll behave
more like a gentleman.
Look out!
There goes another rabbit.
What was all that about?
l changed you into a rabbit
with one of your own spells.
My spell? From my school?
Not one of your best spells.
lt doesn't last.
Some of your others are much better.
But l don't understand. My spell?
They were just nonsense words
from an old book.
They worked perfectly well for me.
They work for you?
Good woman! Some kind of destiny
has brought us together.
You got these spells
out of some old book, you say?
l changed them round a bit.
l gave them a bit
of my own style, as it were.
The old sorcerers did have
a bit of a tendency to waffle on.
But dear lady, l never thought
l'd meet somebody like you.
What a treasure.
Mr Browne, will you please
stick to the point.
l would like to see this book
immediately.
Certainly. lt's at my new town house.
Would you care
to join me for luncheon?
We can discuss my ideas
at the same time.
Thank you. We'd be delighted.
We shall all go together.
- On the bed?
- On the bed, Paul. Come along.
You go round the other side.
l always travel on the left.
Will you give the address
to Paul, please?
May l ask how we are going
to get there on this bed? Fly?
My dear Professor,
with your own travelling spell.
The one you gave with the course
as a bonus.
My travelling spell?
That works as well?
Just give the address, please.
Bed, take us to 8 Winchfield Road.
Madam, is this vehicle safe?
Perfectly. A bit theatrical, perhaps,
but then most good spells are.
We're here.
l would never have believed it.
You must have given us
the wrong address. Do you live here?
ln fact, l do.
Temporarily, at any rate.
l found the front door open.
The house was deserted.
Everyone has left the neighbourhood.
Why should they do that?
This probably has
something to do with it.
Merciful heavens!
You should be terrified
at the very idea of living here.
You would have thought so.
l am by nature a little bit of a coward.
But then l pondered.
ln the perverse nature of things,
this diabolical object
is probably the best friend
l've ever had.
lt enables me, for the first time
in my life, to live like a king.
Shall we go in?
Rothschild '26. Noble, worldly-wise,
but with a charming
touch of innocence.
Mr Browne, the book. Where is it?
Dear lady, you are relentless.
The book is in the library. We shall
proceed there after our cheese and wine.
Why do you keep the curtains closed?
So that we may enjoy
the gentle glow of candle light.
More likely so's a copper don't peek in
and catch you hiding out here.
Why don't you
have a look round the house?
- l want to chat with Miss Price.
- May we?
Yes, run along.
But don't touch anything.
Remember, this house
does not belong to Mr Browne.
Mr Browne, where is that book?
l must have that spell
on substitutiary locomotion.
- What is it? A toy shop?
- No, it's a nursery.
- Ain't you ever seen a nursery?
- No. And neither have you.
Would you hold this, please?
What do you think of that?
- Well, l... don't know what to think.
- Miss Price.
Think how successful l could be with
an assistant who can really do magic.
Dear lady, have you ever considered
entering show business?
- The what business?
- The theatre!
Pantomimes, village fairs,
the seaside.
Brighton, Blackpool,
follies on the prom.
l have very important work to do.
Listen to me. We could make a packet.
Let us strike a bargain
You possess a gift
But I can speak the jargon
That will give your gift
the needed lift
You possess the know-how
And I command the show-how
Oh, how successful you could be
With me
l'm afraid we're wasting
valuable time.
- What's your name?
- Miss Price.
- Your first name.
- Eglantine.
Eglantine, Eglantine,
oh, how you'll shine
Your lot and my lot
have got to combine
Eglantine, Eglantine,
hark to the stars
Destiny calls us,
the future is ours
As the shine sells the boot
and the blossoms the fruit
All you need to succeed
in your plan
Is the proper ally
upon whom to rely
And I'm your man
For I have an acumen
that's nigh-superhuman
I sell things that nobody can
So I humbly suggest
you accept my behest
I'm your man
Eglantine, Eglantine,
oh how you'll shine
Will you stop?
Your lot and my lot
have got to combine
Eglantine, Eglantine,
hark to the stars
Destiny calls us,
the future is ours
What are you reading?
''lsle of Naboombu.''
- Can't be no such place.
- There is too such a place.
These pictures prove it, don't it?
Bit weird, ain't it?
Animals wearing hats and things.
l like it.
Now where is the book?
Well? Where is it?
At last, Mr Browne!
''The Spells of Astoroth.''
Of course.
Here's the travelling spell.
This is where you got it.
Does one's nose
have to twitch like this?
Oh, you're back, Mr Browne.
Miss Price,
a word about your tactics.
l don't mind being changed
into a hawk or a tiger
or something with dash.
But always a fluffy white rabbit?
lt's intolerable!
Here we are!
Substitutiary locomotion.
''The ancient art of...''
''The spell which creates
this force is five mystic words.''
''These words are...''
But the rest of the book is missing!
Now you see why
l closed down the college.
- But where are the other pages?
- Haven't the foggiest.
- Listen to me!
- l'm all ears.
You will be if you don't pay attention.
Where did you get this book?
l bought it from a street market.
There was a bit of unpleasantness.
He claimed that l'd given him
a dud coin. l ask you!
There was a sort of scuffle.
The book tore.
He got one half and l got the other.
- But where's the other half now?
- lt's probably been thrown away.
But if it still exists,
there's only one place to find it.
- Where is that?
- Portobello Road
Portobello Road
Street where
the riches of ages are stowed
Anything and everything
a chap can unload
Is sold off the barrow
in Portobello Road
You'll find what you want
in the Portobello Road
- Rare alabaster
- Genuine plaster
A filigreed samovar
owned by the tsars
- A pen used by Shelley
- A new Botticelli!
The snippers that clipped
old King Edward's cigars
Made in Hong Kong?
Two bob a dozen, would you say?
- Waterford crystal
- Napoleon's pistols
Society heirlooms with genuine gems
Rembrandts, El Grecos,
Toulouse-Lautrecos
Painted last week
on the banks of the Thames
Very interesting,
but where do they sell books?
There's a little place
around the corner.
Portobello Road, Portobello Road
Street where
the riches of ages are stowed
Anything and everything
a chap can unload
Is sold off the barrow
in Portobello Road
You meet all your chums
in the Portobello Road
Lovely to see you. Goodbye.
What l want
is the other half of this book.
All in good time, my dear.
Burke's Peerage, The Bride Book,
The Fishmonger's Guidebook
l'm looking for
the other part of this.
A Victorian novel, ''The Unwanted Son''
- You don't understand!
- The History of Potting
The Yearbook of Yachting
The leather-bound
''Life of Attila the Hun''
Portobello Road, Portobello Road
Street where
the riches of ages are stowed
Artefacts to glorify a regal abode
Are hidden in the flotsam
in Portobello Road
Who do you think you are?
Tokens and treasures,
yesterday's pleasures
Cheap imitations
and heirlooms of old
Dented and tarnished,
scarred and unvarnished
In old Portobello...
This lady is looking
for the other half of this book.
lt's called ''The Spells of Astoroth''.
l don't keep no torn
or damaged books here.
What do you think l am?
A ruddy wastepaper merchant?
You can eat like a king
in the Portobello Road
There's another bookstore
along here somewhere.
You don't expect
to sell a piano like that, do you?
Let me have a go, my dear fellow.
Portobello Road, Portobello Road
Happy things are happening
in Portobello Road
You feel like a ballerina
when you're hopping like a toad
When you kick your heels up
down in Portobello Road
Come on, ducks!
Come on, girls!
Lovely.
Oh, yeah, play the drums.
Closing time!
Bye!
Portobello Road
Portobello Road
Street where the riches
of ages are stowed
Anything and everything
a chap can unload...
Hey, governor. Something
for the lady friend? Nylons?
- No, thank you.
- Petrol coupons?
- Chocs for the little 'uns?
- No.
How about one of these, mate?
Fell off the back of a lorry.
- Be a good chap and run away.
- Would you fancy this, then?
Now you have my undivided attention.
- What can l do for you?
- Get over to the Bookman right away.
He wants to see you. You too.
Who is the Bookman? And what right
has he got to order me about?
l think we'd better
ask questions later.
Excuse me.
Sorry, guv.
No one told me about the stairs.
Why didn't you
bring Scotland Yard, Swinburne,
and half the Household Cavalry
as well?
What's the bed for?
lt's a present for you.
That's what he said.
Nothing of the sort.
The bed belongs to me.
Except for this knob, which is mine.
Bookman, there's been bad blood
between us long enough.
Let this gift begin friendship anew.
- Draw the curtains. Lock the door.
- You'll be snug as a bug.
lsn't that the section of the manuscript
we've been looking for?
- Who is this person?
- Miss Eglantine Price.
A charming young woman
of my acquaintance.
Miss Price, l've been looking
for this other bit a long time.
Mr Swinburne told me you were
in the market making enquiries.
And here we are. l don't mind saying,
to see it all together at last...
- There isn't much l wouldn't do.
- Or haven't done, for that matter.
- Right, guv?
- You'll close your mouth, Swinburne.
ls that clear?
lt's all like a jolly detective story
or jigsaw puzzle, isn't it?
We're both after the same spell.
You have one clue, l have the other.
Yes, in that case, the sensible thing
seems to be for us to cooperate.
l assume you're looking
for the same thing l am.
May l?
This is quite a moment
for both of us.
''Substitutiary locomotion,
the lost miracle of the ancients.''
And so on and so forth.
Here we are.
''The spell which creates this force
is five mystic words.''
''These words are...
engraved on the star that was always
worn by the sorcerer Astoroth.''
But where are the words of the spell?
l assumed they'd be
in your half of the manuscript.
l thought they'd be in yours!
Once again, a dead end.
l shall never know the secret.
lsn't that old Astoroth?
And there's his star.
Pity it's so small
you can't read the writing.
- But why the animals?
- Towards the end of his life,
Astoroth kept animals in cages
in search for the spells that
would make them more like humans.
The legend is that finally the
animals rebelled at the experiment,
killed Astoroth
and stole many of his powers.
lncluding the star
with the spell on it.
Possibly.
They found a ship, sailed away
and were never heard of again.
However, there is a final notation
in my half of the book
saying that in the 1 7th century
a shipwrecked lascar
was taken from the sea
half mad with thirst
and exposure to the sun.
Before he died, he swore he had seen
an island ruled by animals.
Where?
There is,
l regret to say, no such island.
l looked for it in every chart.
The lsle of Naboombu does not exist.
lt does too! Got my own...
- What is he trying to say?
- Nothing!
When he don't say nothing,
he mumbles.
l wish the child to speak!
- Now you've done it.
- There is too such a place.
Got my own book. There.
Real pretty letters, ain't it?
- Let me see it.
- You're not interested, Bookman.
- lt's just a children's book.
- l'll be the judge of that.
- Give it to me.
- No.
Please don't annoy me.
- Give me the book, boy.
- Not likely.
Bit of a stalemate, isn't it?
lf it's all the same to you,
l'd rather use my own.
Sentiment, you know.
Come along, Paul. lt's time to go.
Go? How, my dear? The door is locked.
Observe the fundamental weakness
of the criminal mind.
- You will believe no one or anything.
- l understand.
- The knob, Paul.
- Course you do, my dear.
We can tell them the complete truth.
They will believe nothing.
He's up to something, you know.
Before your very eyes, l shall cause
this bed and the occupants on it
to disappear.
l should like to see a cheap-jack
tenth-rate entertainer
do a trick like that.
''Cheap-jack entertainer.''
- That was naughty.
- All right, Paul.
- Where to?
- To the lsland of Naboombu.
- l'm very curious about that place.
- Good.
Bed, take us
to the lsland of Naboombu.
Enough of this nonsense!
Get the book!
Beastly climate.
l never did fancy the sea.
- Where are we?
- Naboombu, of course.
l've never seen
no island like this before.
l'm afraid we may have
fallen into the lagoon.
That's right.
Here we are on page three.
Oi, Mr Codfish!
Hello, young fellow!
Welcome to Naboombu Lagoon.
Now l'm hearing things.
Fish don't talk.
Not too bright, is he?
- He's my brother.
- Oh? Sorry.
Mr Codfish,
where is the lsland of Naboombu?
You mean the land part? Oh, that.
Straight up. You can't miss it.
None of my business, of course,
but l shouldn't go there
if l were you.
- Having troubles, they are.
- Troubles?
He's right, you know.
A lot of trouble.
Trouble or not,
we should be getting along.
- l wish to see who is in charge.
- What's the rush?
lt's really rather splendid
down here. For you, my dear.
Thank you.
How pleasant...
Bobbing along
Bobbing along on the bottom
of the beautiful briny sea
What a chance to get a better peep
At the plants and creatures
of the deep
We glide
Far below the rolling tide
Serene
Through the bubbly blue and green
It's lovely bobbing along
Bobbing along on the bottom
of the beautiful briny sea
What if the octopus,
the flounder and the cod
Think we're rather odd?
It's fun to promenade
Bobbing along, singing a song
On the bottom
of the beautiful briny sea
Look!
It's lovely bobbing along
Bobbing along on the bottom
of the beautiful briny sea
What a chance to get a better peep
At the plants
and creatures of the deep
It's grand
When you're dancing on the sand
Each glance
Bubbles over with romance
It's lovely bobbing along
Bobbing along through the water
Where we get along swimmingly
Far from the frenzy
of the frantic world above
- Two beneath the blue
- Could even fall in love
Bobbing along, singing a song
On the bottom
of the beautiful briny sea
Bobbing along, singing a song
On the bottom of the beautiful briny,
shimmery shiny
Beautiful briny sea
Bravo!
Most exciting, most exciting.
You've won the ruddy cup.
Help!
This time l really caught a whopper!
People! Oh, no!
What scurvy luck.
- My goodness!
- l'll deal with this, my dear.
- Don't you know that...
- Good day, captain.
l used to be a bit
of a seafaring man myself.
Many's the time
l've shipped out of Portsmouth.
Delighted to meet a fellow mariner.
Now stow it, mate.
- Oh, really!
- Can't you read reading?
lt says... ''No peopling allowed.''
- Ridiculous!
- Don't antagonise him, Mr Browne.
That means l've got to throw you
all back. That's what to do.
Wait it minute! lt says here
that anybody can see the king.
- And that's the law.
- Where do it say that?
Here in my book.
So it do.
But if you people knew
what was good for you,
you'd get yourselves
all throwed back.
The king don't like people!
Nonetheless, we must see the king
on an urgent personal matter.
Please lead the way.
But just don't say
l didn't warn you. See?
Follow me.
Get out of here!
Yes. What can l do for you?
l caught some people
down at the sea lagoon.
They want to see the king.
Really? Well, we can't be bothered
with that sort of thing now, can we?
l don't know that l fancy this.
His Majesty is in a frightful rage.
Excuse me, sir.
As an all-round entertainer,
l am considered not without talent.
Perhaps l can cheer him up.
No, no. You don't understand.
As everyone knows,
His Majesty is
the world's greatest soccer player.
But due to a technical problem,
the Royal Cup match
cannot take place today.
And His Majesty
had so set his heart on it!
Throw these... creatures
back into the sea.
Aye, aye, sir.
Just a moment! l can help!
Do you really think so?
l'd be most grateful.
Do you know soccer?
Do l know anything about soccer?
Why, l was captain of Tottenham
Hotspurs for two years.
Three seasons
with Manchester United...
Yes, yes. You'll do.
Come this way, please.
Mr Browne,
are you certain you'll be all right?
Now what?
Not an ideal person
in many respects,
but Mr Browne is a very brave man.
Do you think he's done for?
Do you think so?
l can't tell you how
l appreciate this.
For some reason
we have great difficulty
finding referees round here.
lf there be one thing we like,
it's volunteers, eh, Birdy?
He's a proper king!
Look at his crown!
What's he got round his neck?
What a magnificent... ornament, sire.
Ah, yes.
Wouldn't be without it.
Been in the family for years.
The Star of Astoroth!
You're to sit
in His Majesty's royal box.
No littering, no chewing, no fruit
or wrappers or sweets. Please.
Rise, please.
Loyal fans,
this is official.
We have a volunteer referee.
Let the match begin!
He's still wearing it!
Right, Dirty Yellows,
let's have a clean game.
Right, True Blues, best foot forward.
Weird sort of game they play here.
Hurry up! Get rid of it!
Gracious!
You're doing fine, matey.
Move it around.
Get on with the match!
- Foul!
- They're only animals.
That's no excuse for dirty football.
Ref, are you blind?
Be quiet, Charles!
Don't forget who the referee is!
- Don't they have no rules?
- Course they do.
The king makes them up
as he goes along.
Poor Mr Browne.
Do you think he's all right?
Well, he's moving.
Steady, matey. Move it around.
He almost had it then.
Looks like he's done for this time.
Don't just stand there! Head it in!
Stop... that... ball!
Goal!
Game's over. l win.
Let me give you a hand, matey.
That's quite all right, Your Majesty.
Thank you so much.
Please, let me help you
on with your robe.
Why, yes. Thank you.
Can't have you
catching cold, sire, can we?
Why, no.
Have you ever heard of something
called the gypsy switch?
No, can't say that l have.
Remind me to
tell you about it some time.
l can't tell you when
we've had such a good time.
We'll carry your memory
in our hearts for a long while.
l think it's time to leave.
Must you go?
Must be dashing. Marvellous game.
Lovely to see you. Goodbye.
Friendly lot.
Don't mind them visiting.
Wouldn't want them living here.
- Come along, children.
- Hurry up.
Stop gibbering!
What's the matter with you?
Your Royal Star!
They've stolen your Royal Star!
Don't be ridiculous.
What do you think this is?
Why didn't you say so?
Paul, put the knob on the bed.
At last the magic words.
Treguna mekoides trecorum satis dee.
l'll keep it.
Women always lose things.
- Hurry, Paul! The knob!
- lt's stuck!
- l suppose l'd better do something.
- Please do. Quick.
Got it.
Filigree, apogee, pedigree...
Oh, bother. l do hate shoddy work.
l shall never get used to this thing.
Will you push the bed
back into place, please?
l think we could all
do with a nice cup of tea.
No time. l've gone to a lot
of trouble to find this spell.
l'm going to try it immediately.
Mr Browne, kindly let me
have your shoes, please.
- Fine.
- What's the shoes for?
lf you'd been paying attention
l should think you'd be aware
that substitutiary locomotion is the art
of causing inanimate objects
to take on a life force of their own.
l must have inanimate objects
to experiment with.
Makes sense, don't it?
Stand back, everyone.
l need plenty of room.
l want you all
to be absolutely quiet.
Mr Browne, you have
the Star of Astoroth, l believe.
Oh, yes. lt's in my nice clean hanky.
lt's all right, Mr Browne.
l should have realised
that it would be impossible
to take an object
from one world into another.
lf only l would have had the sense
to remember the words on that star.
- l know the words.
- Don't bother her. She's thinking.
Why don't you and l nip out
and get something for supper?
And l might conceivably
call into the pub for a pint
to steady my nerves.
l do know the words, Miss Price.
How can you know the words
when Miss Price doesn't?
Troop movements and massing
of barges in French and Dutch ports.
The prime minister
has told the nation
to be on the alert for signs
of a possible invasion.
That was the news.
l might have been able
to do something about this.
lt's out of your hands now, my dear.
lf only l could have remembered
those words. lt's maddening.
Why don't someone ask me?
Come off it, Paul. You can't remember
those kind of words.
You mean like ''Treguna mekoides
trecorum satis dee''?
- How do you know that?
- Easy.
Says so right here in my book.
You mean it was there
in your book all the time?
Yeah. But nobody ever listens to me.
Treguna mekoides
trecorum satis dee.
Nothing happened!
Am l doing something wrong?
Well, it does seem
a bit old-fashioned.
After all, we are
in the 20th century.
- What do you suggest?
- lt needs rhythm. Tempo.
Music.
As l always say, do it with a flair.
- Do you mind if l have a go?
- Of course not.
Come along, you lot!
We need all the help we can get.
Treguna mekoides trecorum satis dee.
Substitutiary locomotion
Mystic power that's far
beyond the wildest notion
It's so weird, so feared,
yet wonderful to see
Substitutiary locomotion come to me
Now!
Treguna mekoides
trecorum satis dee.
I don't want locomotiary substitution
Or remote intransecory convolution
Only one precise solution is the key
Substitutiary locomotion it must be
Substitutiary locomotion
Lovely substitutiary locomotion
You've made substitutiary history
With treguna mekoides
and a little help from me
- With treguna mekoides and...
- Trecorum satis dee
Mr Browne, what is going on here?
l haven't the foggiest.
How do you do?
Shall we?
- That's my nightgown!
- ls it really, my dear?
l'm not responsible
for its behaviour.
Obviously not, my dear.
Paul, what on earth are you doing?
Having a jolly good time,
that's what.
- How can we stop all this?
- Must we? lt's most agreeable.
But we must do something.
Didn't l give you
my all-purpose cut-off spell?
- Lesson number eight.
- Eight.
- Yes, number eight l think it was.
- Oi! My Sunday trousers!
Buzz off, old chap.
Find your own dancing partner.
Be careful, Carrie! Slow down!
Mr Browne, will you please
control your shoes?
Dear lady, l very much fear
that we have nothing under control.
Do you mind?
Now, who would like some more
of my lovely sausages and mash?
- No more for me, thank you.
- Carrie?
l've already had two helpings.
- l'm full.
- Me, too.
At least somebody wants some.
Cheer up, my dear. This should
be something of a celebration.
l'm sorry, but there doesn't
seem to be much to celebrate.
- l still haven't mastered that spell.
- Of course you have.
You just need a little more practice.
- Do you really think so?
- No doubt about it.
Meantime, there's nothing
to liven the spirits
like a little master juggling.
Right, Charlie?
Go on then, guv!
Give us some juggling!
Very few better than me at this.
All you need is 20 years' practice
and a touch of genius.
Never happened to me before.
l don't usually juggle
with cats under my feet.
Look! She's laughing!
- Mrs Hobday. Do come in.
- l can't stop, my dear.
l've just come by
to bring you the good news.
Mr Bistlethwaite,
who brings the milk, you know?
He's promised
to take the children in!
He and his wife have got that farm.
Just the place for growing children.
Put a bit of colour
back in their cheeks.
Why, what's the matter?
l thought you'd be pleased.
You told me yourself that you had
no time to take care of children.
Circumstances have changed somewhat.
We got a dad now. Mr Browne.
- Paul!
- Miss Price, is this true?
Of course. You do want him to stay
with us, don't you, Miss Price?
l suppose
l hadn't really thought about it.
What about him?
What do you say about it, Mr Browne?
lt's all rather sudden!
l don't quite know what to say.
Then l'll leave you two
to talk it over.
l'll come back in the morning!
Good night!
lt is true, Mr Browne. You are going
to be our father now, aren't you?
We are rather rushing things,
aren't we?
Perhaps Mr Browne has other things
besides you children to think about.
Yes. As a matter of fact
l should have left ages ago.
l must get a train
back to London tonight.
lt's rather an important matter.
l'd like to tell you about it,
but it's a little bit hush-hush.
Sort of a secret.
Well... if...
lf l've been any sort of help to you,
l'm pleased.
You've been immensely kind.
Thank you.
l've enjoyed being with you.
Perhaps it's been good for all of us.
Will you be coming back?
Some day, my dear. l certainly hope
that we shall meet again.
Some day.
When all this war business is over.
- l see.
- Perhaps l shall realise my dream.
Eglantine and Emelius:
illusionists extraordinary!
Just think how that
will look on the poster.
The children are going to miss you.
- You really think they will?
- Yes.
Well, l shall miss you. All of you.
lf l don't go now
you might never get rid of me.
Goodbye, Carrie.
- Must you really go?
- l think it's best for everybody.
- Goodbye, Paul.
- l think you should be our father.
Goodbye, Charlie.
Do you want me to come down
to the station with you?
No, no. You stay here
and look after everybody.
- Goodbye, Miss Price.
- Goodbye, Mr Browne.
- When is the next train to London?
- Lord bless ye, ain't no train.
Not until milk job,
- Mind if l await it here?
- Suit yourself. Good night, sir.
Good night.
Out you go, Cosmic.
Hello?
Emelius Browne, do you know
you could be warm and cosy
in that house at this very moment?
For once in your useless life,
you really seem to have been needed.
You're a failure, Emelius Browne,
and a coward.
No, Frulein, this is not
the invasion, just a little exercise.
A minor raid to induce panic
and to spread a little mischief.
When you English get it
through your head
that the German forces can land
whenever and wherever we please,
perhaps you will consider
reasonable peace.
Not bloody likely!
Go on, Miss Price. Do it to him.
l must say, it's very tempting.
Colonel, how would you feel
about being turned into a white rabbit?
l said, how would you feel
about being turned into a white rabbit?
Be quiet, please.
Filigree, apogee, epogee...
- Not again!
- Your memory, Miss Price.
Would you kindly fetch my notebook
from the workroom?
Righto.
Silence!
We have work to do.
l am sorry, but l must send
all of you some place
where you will no longer
be a nuisance.
As the words sell the tune
And the moonbeams the moon
All I need to succeed in my plan
Is a champion rare
with a flourish and a flair
Eglantine!
Where's the spell for rabbits?
The easiest of all, she said.
Confound it, can't women ever learn
to file things properly?
Here it is.
Filigree, apogee, pedigree, perigee.
That's it.
Filigree...
apogee, pedigree, perigee.
Come along. For once in your life,
you've got to believe in something.
That's it. Good lad.
Filigree, apogee, pedigree, perigee.
What's the use of putting us
in that draughty castle?
lt's quite chilly.
The colonel believes when a British
female decides to become a nuisance,
she can become
the greatest nuisance in the world,
and l'm inclined to agree with him.
You need a lesson in manners.
lf l had my notebook,
l'd make certain you'd learn a few.
Jumping Jehosophat! More Jerries!
Take it easy, can't you?
- Try holding your breath.
- l am holding it.
We could strip him down
and grease him with soap.
No, it's no good. We can't do it.
l could have told you that
in the first place.
lf we can't get Paul out we'll just
have to think of something else.
What about that spell
that makes things move about?
- But l'd need weapons.
- How about all these things?
l'm afraid they're a bit ancient.
- Where did this come from?
- lt's Mr Browne!
He's on his way to London.
Mr Browne?
lf you are Mr Browne,
would you get off my lap?
lt is Mr Browne!
lt is you!
You didn't think
that l could do that spell, did you?
l am glad to see you!
But what about all these Germans?
What's wrong with
the substitutiary locomotion spell?
- That ought to be useful.
- lt isn't ready yet.
- You saw what happened.
- We have to chance it.
We can't let these so-and-sos
get away with their beastly little raid.
Won't you get up off the floor?
We'll go to work.
- Jolly good luck, my dear.
- Thank you.
Let's hope you haven't
forgotten the spell.
- Not this time.
- Found this in the castle.
Probably not magic,
but it might make you feel more at home.
Thank you.
That was very thoughtful of you.
Let's get out of Miss Price's way.
Treguna...
mekoides...
trecorum...
satis dee.
Look!
Sound the advance!
Just in time for the kick-off.
Steady on the left.
Victory for England and St George!
Like a Lord Mayor's show!
Pikemen, hold your distance.
Treguna mekoides
and trecorum satis dee
Blimey!
- Where's it coming from?
- Sounds like the sea road, sir.
Come on, lads! After me.
Good shooting, bowmen!
Well caught, sir. Very good.
Knock his block off! That's it!
Mr Browne,
make those children take cover!
Are you still there, Colonel?
l thought you'd be on your way by now.
You see? Things may not
be so easy for you after all.
Goodbye, Colonel!
Eglantine.
Dear Mr Browne.
- We thought they'd damaged you.
- See? No one can hurt Miss Price.
There they are, lads!
l said something was afoot!
All right. Drive them into the sea.
Firing positions. Both sides.
All right, men. Hold your fire.
l think we've taught
the Hun a lesson.
He'll think twice
before coming back here again.
lt's tragic. All your spells,
your equipment. All gone.
Still, l was able to perform
some small service first.
That mean you ain't gonna
be a witch no more? Never?
No, Paul. l realised some time ago
that l could never be a proper witch.
Was it that first magic moment
when you laid eyes on me?
No. lt was the day
my poisoned dragon's liver arrived.
l knew that anyone who felt the way
l did about poisoned dragon's liver
had no business being a witch.
- Certain you're doing the right thing?
- Well, l think so.
lt's much too dangerous
being a civilian.
Take care of yourself, guv.
l'll do that. And l'll be back
before you've grown an inch taller.
- We'll be together again.
- Sounds like you have an escort.
Well, here we go.
- Permission to move off, sir.
- Carry on, sergeant.
Parade, by the right,
quick march!
Suppose that's it.
We ain't gonna have no fun no more.
Still got this, ain't l?