Beerfest (2006) Movie Script
You've got spunk, Wolfhouse.
I'll give you that.
I don't got room in my
pocket for more of your money.
I got a little spunk for you.
You couldn't hit your own ball bag
with your own wrinkled cock.
Chance.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
You play rim rules?
Doesn't everybody?
Yeah, the shit-stabbers like you.
Hold on there, girlfriend.
You're gonna chance...
...you're gonna have to earn it.
Oh, no. No way.
Forget about it.
I'm out of here. Where's my...?
Hey. You said you wanted to chance,
now take a chance.
All right, all right.
Son of a bitch!
Up yours, Johnny Cash.
Okay. Grab him, boys.
You weren't trying to play me for
a fool, were you, Wolfhouse?
Beginner's luck.
You don't come into my place of business
and take my money like that.
Now, what I should do is
beat seven shades of shit out of you.
- But I'll teach you something somebody...
- Hey!
What's going on down here?
Todd, welcome home!
I'm just having some fun with your
younger, dumber brother.
Might not be the best time.
Everyone's waiting.
Oh, of course.
Padre?
I'll come back for the rest.
Great Gam Gam. I'm so sorry.
My friends...
...as we gather today to mourn
the passing of Johan Wolfhouse...
...what can I say that
Johan can't say for himself?
Hello, all.
If you are watching this,
then I have croaked.
Now I will never know what happens on
The Young and the Restless.
- He loved that show.
- But seriously, I wanted to thank you all...
...for what you have added to
my long and happy life.
Most of all, my mother.
Mother, I always knew
you would outlive me.
I loved you.
Prosit.
Todd, Jan,
my smart and talented grandsons...
...take good care of the restaurant.
It is the last piece of your heritage.
And don't worry,
someone will be watching over you.
Popo!
- Hey. It's Popo.
- Popo was given to me...
...by my father on his deathbed.
Prosit!
And finally, to me.
Looking good down there.
Say good night, Popo.
Good night, Popo.
For hundreds of years,
it has been a Wolfhouse tradition...
...to spread the ashes of
our loved ones in Munich.
I am too old.
I want you boys to go to Germany...
...and carry out this tradition
for your grandfather.
Sure, it would be an honor for us,
Great Gam Gam. When?
Well, you must leave immediately.
The tradition is to spread the ashes...
...during the festival
on the Theresienwiese.
There you will meet
a Mr. Schniedelwichsen.
He will take you to
the family resting place.
The festival begins this week.
The festival of the what-what?
Oh, boys, you know this festival
as Oktoberfest.
We're in.
We really gotta find this Schniedelwichsen
and spread Grandpa's ashes.
He's supposed to meet us here.
So there's nothing we can do
but hang out and wait. Right, Grandpa?
Come on, guys.
Are you making fun of us, mate?
What? No.
We're singing the beloved
drinking songs of our country...
...and you sing us
that bloody jingo jango?
I reckon you're taking
the piss out of Oktoberfest.
We're just singing.
What do you think, mate?
I think we should fucking brain them.
Hey, we love Oktober...
Hot cheese soup!
Hot cheese so...!
Come on.
This is the Fruleins Gone Wild!
Just kiss each other, ja?
Helmut, my God, are you okay?
Oh, strewth. They hit the little kid!
Let's get the bastards!
So this is Oktoberfest.
Wolfhouse?
Yeah.
I am Mr. Schniedelwichsen.
- Hi!
- Let's go.
Gam Gam said you'd meet us here.
There's some crazy...
- Gotcha.
- Hey!
- He's got me!
- He's gone crazy dingo.
Make fast! Make very fast!
Split! Split!
Where are we going,
Mr. Spiedelspackel?
Schniedelwichsen. Come.
Halt. See, we're here.
Johan?
The ashes.
We left them back at that tent.
We gotta go get our grandfather's ashes.
Come. Come now.
We in the right neighborhood?
Oh, hello, blondie.
You care for a dance?
Jan? Jan?
Leave my brother alone.
I miss you!
The password!
Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
They're playing Quarters!
Hey, Beer Pong!
Upside-down Chugs!
Come! Come in here.
I'd bugger her
for a game of soldiers, huh?
Hello. Pim Scutney.
This here's me mate, Rog Gobshire.
Team England.
I am Jan Wolfhouse and
this is my brother, Todd Wolfhouse.
And what is this?
Beerfest, innit!
Is this part of Oktoberfest?
Oktoberfest is for tossers and
sheep-shaggers.
Beerfest is our lives.
The ultimate test of
a beer-gamer's mettle!
- Where's the American team?
- Yeah.
- That's worth a squirt, innit?
- What?
Excuse me, guys.
Please vomit in proper receptacles!
Wait a second.
Look at those urns over there.
They look just like Grandpa's.
That's why Schniedelwasher
brought us here.
We're supposed to put Grandpa's urn
up there with those.
We gotta go back and get it.
You go. I'm never leaving this place.
Das Boot! Das Boot! Das Boot! Das Boot!
Hello, guvnor!
We got ourselves a tie.
You see them blokes in the knickers?
That's the German team, the champs.
Their family owns
the oldest brewery in Bavaria.
They're regular diamond geezers,
they are, right?
Why does the last guy
chug out of a shoe?
That's no shoe!
That's Das Boot!
And she's a cruel old mistress, she is.
Drink up, Hansel!
Wow, they're fast!
Das Boot!
Das Boot! Das Boot!
Schniedelspanker!
Von Wolfhausen. Wolfhouse.
Your last name's von Wolfhausen?
Get the fuck out of here. So is ours!
Wolfhouse.
We're cousins?
Oh, this just gets better and better!
We must be related through
our grandfather, Johan von Wolfhausen.
Why are you taking him?
Where's he going?
We kind of need to stick close.
- He is of no concern to you.
- But he was just walking us through. He...
You do not speak of Beerfest
outside of Beerfest!
You do not bring outsiders to Beerfest.
But our grandfather
was Johan von Wolf...
Your grandfather
was no von Wolfhausen.
Your grandfather was a thieving
bastard stable boy.
- What did you say?
- Baron Ludwig von Wolfhausen...
...our great-grandfather, the most
legendary brewmeister in all Deutschland.
He perfected the von Wolfhausen
beer recipe.
It was the greatest beer in all the world.
When Ludwig died, your grandfather stole
the only copy of the recipe created.
Hold on a second.
Our grandfather didn't brew beer.
He had this little sausage house
in Colorado. He couldn't...
He could und he did.
He stole our recipe und fled Germany
with his mother...
...a common Bavarian...
What's the English word I'm looking for?
Whore.
Gam Gam a whore?
Obviously there's
a translation problem here.
Hooker. Prostitute. Slut for money.
- Now you're crossing the line.
- No, you are crossing the line! He stole it!
Und now, instead of having Deutschland's
greatest beer, we merely have fourth-best.
Ja, we are not your cousins.
You are the offspring of the bastard son
of some whore!
- Don't call Gam Gam a whore! She's not!
- Punch me! Do it!
Ja, you big tough guy.
Kill me, come on.
Do it now! Kill me.
What are you waiting for?
Typical Americans. This is why
we don't allow you in our Beerfest.
You get a few drinks in you
und you become the Dirty Harry.
You should go back to your strip malls
and drink your Zimas and Smirnoff Ices.
Und then you can punch each other silly.
Okay. Okay.
Okay. Sounds like you guys
fancy yourselves drinkers, huh?
Ja, maybe a little.
I think we just beat the Irish, so...
- Oh, that's good. The champions. What?
- Well, I'll tell you what.
Why don't you pick your best two?
Because you just opened up a can of corn.
Corn.
We are laughing.
We are laughing at you.
- Our best two? You want our best two?
- The corn.
How about our worst two, right?
Hammacher! Schlemmer!
You take the big guy.
I'll get the little one.
You ready, du kleiner Hosenscheier?
Everyone at once.
First team to finish wins. On my word.
- Let's do this.
- Ja, do it.
Hey, boys, why don't you let us
put a nipple on that for you?
I remember my first beer.
Prosit.
Allow me to introduce our grandfather:
Wolfgang von Wolfhausen.
Take a good look...
...for this is a real von Wolfhausen.
Grandpapa.
Oh, shit.
So you are the progeny of Johan.
I am guessing that he is the one
who taught you how to drink beer.
Now...
...where is our recipe?
What fucking recipe?
Friends...
...this is all that remains
of a thieving stable boy...
...who ran away to America
with his whore mother!
I'm a sucker for family reunions.
Here are a couple of euros.
Go back and get a BJ
from your great-grandma, on me.
Now get out of here.
BJ! BJ! BJ! BJ! BJ! BJ!
They called Grandpa a thief
and Gam Gam a whore!
We gotta go back.
We gotta go back and beat those guys.
- Oh, come on, man, that's crazy.
- Is it? We can do this.
We can do what?
Great Gam Gam.
Mein boys. Oh, willkommen.
Honey, what happened to your eye?
I accidentally walked into a wall.
Yeah, the Berlin Wall.
I'll tell Tippy to get
some cold pig stomach.
We put that on Janny's eye.
So tell me,
was the ceremony beautiful?
Yeah. Very beautiful. I mean, gorgeous.
Was it a peaceful resting place?
Have you ever been
to the family resting place?
No, but I've been told it is wonderful.
- Quiet, lovely.
- Yeah.
And how is Herr Schniedelwichsen?
- Oh, he's fine. Great guy.
- Yeah. Good.
He says hi.
Oh, you boys have done a great thing.
Now your grandpapa can rest in peace.
She couldn't be more not a whore.
We're gonna defend her honor.
We're gonna defend Grandpa's honor!
- We're gonna put together our own team!
- Yes.
We'll get the biggest drinkers, the best
beer-gamers, the fastest chuggers.
Then we're gonna go back
and kick the tar out of those Krauts!
That's my brother!
God, I missed you.
Beerfest it is.
They want a war?
We'll give them a war
they won't believe.
So how'd you find him?
Some dude, used to work
with him at the brewery.
Haven't seen him since
Hands Across America.
Oh, that's right.
I heard that when the brewery gave
him his pink slip, he killed a guy.
I heard that too.
There he is.
You got nothing, baby.
I got everything!
You got nothing! You got nothing!
We're gonna win this thing.
Can I have your autograph?
Oh, no autographs, kids.
No, no, no. Thanks anyway.
Get you next time.
Hey, guys. Good job out there, Naka.
Hey, Landfill! Hey, big guy!
Hey, look what the cat dragged in!
I haven't seen you guys since...
Hands Across America?
We were just saying that.
We almost made it.
Couple breaks in the chain, right?
What's going on?
You disappeared for a while.
We heard you got fired from the brewery.
Goddamn brewery!
They brew 10,000 bottles of beer a day.
I drink 45 off the assembly line,
and I'm the asshole.
Jim Tobleson said they called in
a hostage negotiator.
Jim Tobleson's a fucking Chatty Cathy.
I did my three years up at the county pen.
Made some friends, went Muslim.
Now I'm out, praise Allah.
I heard that someone died that day.
Yeah, somebody did die that day.
Me.
I had the greatest job in the world,
brewing cold, fresh joy for thousands.
Not to mention all the beer
you could drink, right?
They took it away from me.
Yep, I'd trade all this in if I could get
that feeling back again.
What?
There he is.
Nathan Cornwell has discovered...
...pneumono-ultra-microscopic-
silico-volcano-canaisis.
Big round of applause, people.
You want that geek?
What's he gonna do, check my urine?
I met Finkelstein back in college.
He was a real brainiac, that nerd.
Studied everything about everything.
Including beer.
So shut the fuck up.
What are you doing?
Put the frog on the table.
Clean out the floxinator
or something, all right?
People, listen up. Use your thumbs.
Locate the seminal vesicle here,
the ejaculatory ducts here.
Then stroke it.
Stroke it. Stroke it hard.
Cup the gonads.
If you don't cup the gonads...
Finky!
Jan? Todd?
What are you guys doing here?
- Hey, smart coat.
- Oh, thank you. It's rayon.
What are you doing?
We're extracting frog gamete
for cloning trials.
You're jerking him off.
- Who's the hippo?
- Phil Krundel.
The name's Landfill.
Listen, Fink.
We're putting together a drinking team.
There's a competition
and we want you to be part of it.
- Come on. I'm really busy.
- We're serious.
You don't understand. I'm a respected
member of the scientific community.
Sorry.
- We can't do it without you, Fink.
- No chance. I have a job.
I've got a house with a pool
and a two-car garage. I got three Ph.D.s.
Hey! Don't do that!
- I'm published in four journals.
- What?
Toad Load Weekly?
We need you, Fink.
America needs you.
That sounds a little dramatic.
That's the part we haven't told you.
We're competing against the Germans.
Germans?
Yeah. Big, blond, asshole Germans.
You got 15 minutes to tell me more.
- Can you move over, please?
- I like to sit in the middle.
What am I supposed to do?
You have room. You're little.
- You wanna sit on this side?
- Fuck you.
Jan, who are we meeting out here?
- Jan, who are we meeting out here?
- Barry Badrinath.
- What? No.
- Who's Barry Badrinath?
- I'm putting a team together.
- Turn around.
- Who's Barry?
- Don't worry.
Who's Barry Badrinath?
Who's Barry Badrinath?
Will you shut the hell up? Shut up.
Barry Badrinath was the
best beer-gamer ever.
Best at Quarters, at Pong,
best at everything.
We should put him on our team.
Well, actually, Barry and Todd
had a falling-out.
- See, Barry doinked Todd's girlfriend.
- Yahtzee.
- Zip it, Fink.
- Sorry.
Just think about Gam Gam
for a minute, all right?
- Is this guy really that good?
- Yeah.
He's the best.
We should put him on our team, then.
- There he is.
- Where?
Right there.
Oh, my God.
What happened to him?
All right. It's a regular
hot-dog cart in here, huh?
All right, here's how it works.
One dollar to look at it.
Two dollars to touch it.
Three dollars to watch me touch it.
That's lots of nice-looking manhood.
Back the fuck up, Antonio!
My dick!
My apologies.
Five to touch it
while I touch my toes.
Six dollars to touch it
while I touch your toe...
Oh, hey, Jan. How are you?
Todd. And Fink.
- Hey, looking good, Finky.
- You too, Barry.
I wish I could give you a deal here,
but my pimp's a real ball ache, you know?
So it's $ 10 for a BJ,
$ 12 for an HJ, $ 15 for a ZJ.
What's a ZJ?
If you have to ask, big man,
you can't afford it.
I got $4.
Barry, we didn't come here for a BJ...
...or a ZJ or any kind of a J.
Move along, then.
I got a mouth to feed.
Barry, wait.
Jan, hold on.
That's not such a good idea.
Barry!
There's this big beer-games competition.
We're putting a team together.
- We want you.
- Twenty-five bucks.
No, no, no. You'd be training
with us over the next year.
- Thirty bucks?
- Jan, forget it.
No, just show us some of
the old coin tricks. Come on.
Oh, please, Jan, let's get out of here.
- No. Wait.
- No?
Clearly, you've fallen on hard times.
This would be a chance
to get back to the glory days.
It's a chance to show you still got it.
You still got it, right?
You bet your ass I do.
Show them.
Watch and learn, baby diapers.
Just like college.
It's nothing to worry about.
He's shaking the cobwebs off.
I got it. I got it.
All right, here we go.
- A little sticky on the:
- Yeah.
- This guy blows.
- Come on. You can do it.
Glasses, maybe. I...
What are you looking at?
Barry, what happened to you?
Get out of here! Get out of here!
- Get out of here!
- Barry, Barry...
- Get out of here!
- Help! Help!
So, what about
Dan "The Magic Man" Dunchkowski?
He'd down a beer ball
with every meal.
He's no good.
He had that Al Roker surgery.
He went black?
Don't be a moron.
He got his stomach stapled.
Most he can fit are two Triscuits
and a glass of water.
Really?
Oh, boy.
Wolfhouses, I want on the team.
Forget about it. You're done.
You don't have any more, Badrinath.
Oh, yeah?
He's got a gun!
Unbelievable!
That's incredible.
I'm better when I'm drunk.
- I'll say.
- Of course. So is everybody.
Hey. Looks like we got ourselves a team!
- Get them in there.
- All right!
Well, boys, if we're gonna train...
...we're gonna need a training facility!
It's perfect!
It's amazing!
Look at the size of this
graduated cylinder: 2000 milliliters!
A direct-draw beer dispenser.
Half-barrel capacity,
with an anti-foaming mechanism.
These are really the coins?
Hey. I think I found us
a creepy new mascot.
Yeah, fuck it.
Yeah, give it a rim job.
Don't. That belonged to our grandpa.
Sorry.
Listen up, fellas.
The next 11 months
are gonna be tough.
As tough as anything you've ever done.
We're gonna drink beer.
And a lot of it.
If anybody here isn't up to it...
...l'm gonna give you one last chance
to walk out that door.
- That's a good one, Todd.
- Good. That's what I wanted to hear.
Because in this silver slice of
heaven here are 1984 ounces of beer.
Golden, delicious beer.
And no one leaves here until we finish
every single last drop.
All right, let's have the keys.
- All you guys. You too, big boy.
- Don't lose these.
All right, Fink, hit me.
Sorry. I'm a mathlete, not an athlete.
Hey, Barry, how about
a little warm-up match?
Good one. But I'll leave
the practicing to the amateurs.
All right, guys, let's focus, huh?
Huddle up.
All right!
Guys, those Germans
are incredible drinkers.
Better than anything I've ever seen.
Now, Fink, they've got
this thing called The Boot.
There's a secret way to drink it.
I don't know what it is.
- You'll have to figure that out for us.
- You got it, Hot Toddy.
One more thing,
I cannot stress this enough, people.
This is a super-secret competition.
You cannot tell anybody about this.
Or else what?
The guy that brought us there,
they killed him.
But let's not worry about that now.
- Let's drink some beer!
- Yeah!
- All right!
- Yeah, cheers!
Ice cold.
- Anyone else's cold?
- Really cold.
Drinking and dancing at the same time.
That's what's making it tough.
Thought there might be a bug in there.
My teeth hurt, it's so cold.
That's what makes me have to stop a bit.
- How many beers in this thing?
- About 125 beers, yeah.
A hundred and twenty-five?
Might have a cavity here.
- You're dead, bitch.
- Oh, yeah?
Remember we made Fudgsicles out
of shit and Mark DeFanti ate one?
Eight points.
These big ones have
a different flight pattern.
Nobody said it was gonna be easy.
That shiner's sure starting to fade, huh?
Yeah, I kind of wish it wouldn't.
It's great motivation.
A reminder of the humiliation.
I wouldn't mind having it
while training.
Okay.
You are a good friend.
All right, here we go.
Oh, yeah.
I know you love it, Muscle Lips.
Let's go.
Lap it up, you hungry son of a bitch.
Sorry.
Get a handle on your Frisbee, college boy.
Don't go there. You do not sully a yarmulke,
you goyim schmendrik miskayt.
I don't know why you're here.
You can't drink beer.
I'll show you how to drink
a beer, motherfucker.
Fucking man cow.
Hey, I think somebody's trying
to chug in my face!
Look out, Germans!
You got chutzpah, Fuckelstein.
- That's great.
- Hey, Todd.
About the old girlfriend thing.
Can we bury the hatchet, buddy?
- I don't know.
- It was just a one-night stand, right?
Wasn't even that good-looking.
Real dead fish, right?
I mean, she just laid there, taking it
like a plastic fuck doll, am I right?
I happen to have married
that plastic fuck doll!
Todd, no!
Hey! Get off him!
Someone's chewing my leg!
I hate you, Badrinath!
Oh, my God. Phil. Phil, honey.
Oh, my God.
Hello? Yes.
We need an ambulance immediately
at 622 Francis Drive.
Come on, Phil.
Stay with me, honey.
Oh, my God, what is that?
Ham.
Phil?
Not again.
How'd we do?
Not good.
If we're gonna drink like the Germans,
I think we're gonna need a little help.
You don't have to yell.
Don't say anything to Great Gam Gam
about the competition.
Don't talk about her being a whore.
- She's a whore?
- No, she's not a whore.
- So what if she was a whore?
- She's not.
I'm just saying, some of
my best friends are whores.
Yeah, we know.
Nice to meet you, Mrs. Wolfhouse.
- Can I help you?
- Who are you?
My name's Cherry.
- Is everything okay?
- Everything is fine.
Great Gam Gam.
Cherry is here to help me
now that my Johan is gone.
Mein darling great-grandboys...
...und their delicious-looking friends.
Come in.
And summer sausage.
Just came out of the refrigerator.
Here, try this. Oh, no, wait.
Here, let me warm it up for you.
No, that's fine. We're okay.
When we were at Oktoberfest, we noticed
that the Germans were excellent drinkers.
- Oh, yeah, that is true. That is a true thing.
- How do they get good?
Well, from the time
that they are little kids...
...Germans are raised
to be excellent beer drinkers.
- How?
- Well, for one thing...
...they train high up in the Alps.
Interesting. High-altitude training.
Similar to the Kenyan marathon runners.
They are also taught to relax
the muscles of the throat.
Germans can pretty much
stick anything down there.
I myself can probably fit in at least...
Oh, at least nine inches.
- Here, let me show you.
- No. You don't have to demonstrate.
What else do the Germans do?
They also practice by drinking
the urine of a ram.
- The what?
- They drink ram's piss.
- Because of the pH balance?
- No.
Because if you can drink ram's piss,
fuck, you can drink almost anything.
- She said "fuck."
- Gam, who's drinking piss, honey?
No, I was saying it was a tradition
back in the old country.
Damn, that's nasty. The old country
must have been fucked up.
Now, come on, baby,
it's time for your nap.
- Come on.
- Okay. Well...
See you boys later.
I always sleep better
when I have a little sausage in me.
Look, if you ask me...
...l'd have to say the whole whore thing
is a real possibility.
Bavarians have been warming
sausages like that for hundreds of years.
Would you say
it's their oldest profession?
Shut up, Landfill.
All right, but more importantly,
where are we gonna find a ram?
I'm gonna fucking puke.
That's the most
disgusting thing I've ever drank.
I doubt that, playboy.
Oh, God, is there anything better?
Not right now.
You know, fellas,
maybe training alone on a rooftop...
...drinking ram piss isn't the way to go.
Maybe we should get out there and
mix it up with some randoms, you know?
- Smart idea, college boy.
- Go test our mettle.
Yeah, challenge somebody.
Challenge ourselves.
Let's get bombed!
Yeah!
Hey. Who ordered
the Queer Eye makeover?
We're the party brigade.
We're here to play
some drinking games.
Drink. You're rowing on the wrong side.
You've gotta drink.
I've got one.
I never made out with Tommy Mullarky.
My turn. I never fooled around
with Coach Gerber.
This one's called the Strikeout.
What you're gonna do is take a hit...
...chug your beer, do a shot,
then blow out the smoke.
Here goes nothing.
Careful, dude. It's gonna fuck you up.
That's not bad at all.
"Strikeout," right?
That's nothing.
Don't...
...really, however, see what...
...all the...
...fuss is about.
- Oh, yeah. Way to go Dr. Finklestein.
- Do I know you?
- Yeah. It's me, Jerry, your paperboy.
- Hey, Jerry.
While I have you here, you forgot
my Sunday supplement last week.
Wake up, Finky. Wake up.
Cops, cops, cops!
Dude, aren't you like 40?
I'm 33.
Hey, what the hell?
Help!
What a great morning.
Night, ladies.
- Night, Todd.
- Bye, Todd.
Say hi to the missus.
All right, guys, come on.
- One, two, three.
- Go.
My glasses!
Two, three, go.
Maybe we'll move to mugs tomorrow.
He's so strict.
Hey, Finky...
...how you doing with The Boot?
- Not there yet.
I have figured out the problem,
I just don't know the solution yet.
Check this out.
Hey, fellas, gather up.
Here's the thing.
When you drink, the shape of the boot
causes an air bubble to form in the toe.
The bubble.
This air bubble
shoots around the heel...
...and explodes towards your face
while drinking.
In your face, it explodes.
- It's impossible to handle.
- It's impossible to handle.
It's unavoidable.
The Germans know how.
I find the whole thing frustrating
because I can't figure it out.
It's frustrating.
It's frustrating.
It's frustrating.
It's frustrating. It's frustrat...
Can you get the puppet off of me?!
- Hey, it's Popo.
- Sorry.
You knocked his head off.
Wait, wait. There's something in there.
Hey, what is that?
- Looks like it's German.
- Aren't you guys German?
- Yeah, so?
- Give me that.
I used to work
on a German cruise ship.
Yeah, it's a beer recipe.
- Really?
- What recipe?
Must be the old German beer recipe.
Those Germans said our grandfather
stole their family recipe.
- lf he had it, why didn't he brew it?
- Hebrew?
- Maybe he didn't know it was in here.
- It supposed to be good?
If this is the recipe, this used to be
Germany's greatest beer.
Okay, we want three cups.
That's right. Good.
Pour it on in, pour it on in.
Okay, good. Let's have a little...
- How is it, Jan?
- Tell us.
It's...
It's beautiful.
- It's magical.
- It's laughing at me.
I wish I could brush my teeth with it.
- I wanna put my dick in it.
- I want it to put its dick in me.
I wish it were winter, we could
make it into ice and skate on it.
Then melt it in the springtime
and drink it.
Hey, what's the matter, Jan?
This means Gam Gam
really was a whore.
It is good, it is good.
I can't serve it fast enough.
- Hey, buddy.
- Go with God.
Hey, Wolfie. Give me a Schnitz.
- Nice bottle.
- Hey, Landfill.
Look at this guy! He's getting better.
Dude, you want a Schnitz?
Do you want a tip with that?
Yeah.
Good one.
- Give me six Schnitzes.
- What the doctor ordered.
Drink, drink, drink!
Good, good, good.
Special delivery!
I have this special delivery
for Herr Baron.
Can't you see we are training?
I am so sorry, but this package
comes all the way from America, ja...
...and look, it is marked:
"Most urgent."
What is it, Grandpapa?
They have the recipe.
- Who else knows of this package?
- Absolutely no one.
Only me. It's just me.
- Dispose of him.
- Wait!
No, no, no! What about
"Don't shoot the messenger," right?
We're not going to shoot you.
Boys, prepare your things.
We are going to America.
To get our recipe!
Hasta la vista, messenger boy.
Up your nose mit the rubber hose!
I don't really have a move
except this one.
Are you out?
Finish your beer, asshole.
Asshole!
Asshole! Asshole! Asshole!
Eat that tomato in one bite, asshole.
Asshole! Asshole! Asshole!
- Good job, asshole.
- Oh, no.
- Where you going?
- Get out of here.
Watch out. He's coming your way.
See you later, asshole.
Hey, Jan.
- You all right?
- That's a good shot.
Like the love.
Yeah.
Looking good, Barry.
Looking good,
you handsome motherfucker.
We gotta get you out of those
wet clothes and into a dry martini.
- What?
- I said, "Out of the martini?"
- Get away from me.
- All right.
Two shots, please.
How about a little Sex on the Beach?
I think my place is closer.
- You wanna get out of here?
- You looking for a little slap and tickle?
Oh, yeah. Something like that.
I'm gonna go grab a taxi, baby.
Okay.
- Yeah?
- Barry, what are you doing?
You kidding me? She's hot as hell.
I'm looking for
a little slap and pickle.
You sure you wanna do this?
You're drunk.
I'm drunk. You're drunk.
Everybody's drunk!
Hi, Daddy.
Hey, Mama.
Damn, that's nasty.
Come here.
I'm gonna butter your bread, baby.
Nice and toasty, please.
- You wanna get out of here?
- Looking for a little slap and tickle?
Something like that.
I think I dropped my monkey.
How many licks does it take
to get to the center.
I'm gonna rock your world.
I am going to break your dick off.
Suck them.
Lick them clean, Daddy.
Suck them. Suck them.
Lick them clean. Yes!
Suck them! Suck them!
Now, don't peek.
Quit squirming!
Oh, Daddy.
Oh, you dirty motherfucker, right there.
Come on.
I knew it the whole time.
I'm better than you!
Somebody had the pig snouts over here?
Who ordered the pig snouts?
Gentlemen...
...it appears it is time to initiate
Operation Recipe Retrieve.
Is that the title we all agreed on?
I kind of like Operation Stein Grab.
Or what about Brauheist 2006?
- Oh, that's a good one.
- It's kind of spunky.
- Ja, it's fun.
- One second.
- What if it takes longer than a year?
- Ja, I was hoping to be done by 2007.
That's true. I have big plans for 2007.
Ja, we should take a vote, because
I never liked Recipe Retrieve either.
This is not a democracy.
We always waste so much time
arguing about names.
I'm sick of it.
I came up with Operation Recipe Retrieve,
and that's the name!
- Okay, fine.
- I like it now.
I'm sorry.
It's just that I start to feel
so cooped up in these U-boats.
I had a bad experience once.
Thank you.
Now, let's go get what belongs to us.
Battle stations.
Landfill! Landfill! Landfill!
Watch out. Okay, here comes
the bubble. Get ready.
Damn it! It's the bubble!
I know. No, it's a bitch.
Don't worry. Come on.
You're getting better. Next time.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Krista.
- Can I try that?
- Honey, we're practicing.
- Hey, fill her up, okay?
- Practicing for what?
- Nothing.
- No, seriously.
You said you were practicing.
Practicing for what?
Hey, honey, let's go take a look
at the glockenspiels.
No, I don't wanna look
at the goddamn glockenspiels.
- They're really shiny. Come on.
- I don't wanna.
Well, hello, Dirty Harrys!
Holy cameltoe.
Ja, the last time we saw you...
...you were wearing
your grandfather's ashes as a hat.
You have one minute
to march out that door.
We have come for our recipe.
That's our recipe.
We figured you would say that.
Despite your thievery, we are prepared
to buy it from you, right now...
...in cash.
Big deal.
A suitcase full of Monopoly money?
Come on, those are euros.
What's that, like pesos?
Yeah! Come on.
That is legal European tender.
We should have brought deutsche marks!
- But they are so hard to find!
- They're not!
No, there's five ATMs.
No, there's a Quickie Mart
right around the corner.
Enough!
Here is 500,000 American dollars.
It's not for sale.
Well, why don't we make it interesting?
You seem like sporting fellows, no?
I am so sorry. I'm really sorry.
How about a match?
You win, you keep the recipe
und the money.
We win...
...the recipe is ours.
- Give me that thing.
All right, Barry. It's showtime.
Yeah, there's something
I haven't quite told you yet.
I don't play Pong anymore.
What are you talking about, man?
You're the best. Here, let's go.
- Come on. Let's go kick their ass.
- I don't fucking play Pong!
Jesus, calm down.
Pull it together.
You're acting a little crazy here.
Your wife didn't think I was crazy when
I double-teamed her with "Silo" Johnson.
- The double-team.
- The double-team.
Yeah, that's right.
Never knew it was a three-way, did you?
- With the Silo?
- Yeah.
Let me tell you something:
- He wasn't storing corn in that thing.
- Son of a bitch!
Fuck it! I quit.
What? Barry!
The fuck is that?
Are we playing or not?
Time to scheie or get off the crapper.
Get bent, umlaut. We're gonna sell
the shit out of this beer.
You are making a big mistake, cowboy.
Don't think you have seen the last of us.
Oh, I forgot the money.
You should get a pinball machine
that works.
That machine works just fine.
Does it?
Folks, I'm sorry. Finish your meals.
Enjoy. Let's... Come on,
let's have some polka, all right?
- Fuck.
- Hey.
- You know we should have played them.
- I wasn't about to give them that recipe.
- What do you wanna do about Barry?
- We don't need him.
We can get someone else.
What's that?
Local family restaurant...
- That's us.
- ...or disease-infested rat hole?
Expos Colorado has this exclusive
interview with former kitchen workers...
...who will tell a story that will curdle
your strudel.
What the fuck?
We were undocumented aliens smuggled off
in a cargo container to work in the kitchen.
You gotta be kidding me.
It's very common for German restaurants
to use immigrant labor.
It's true, Sandy.
Tell us about the work conditions.
The biggest surprise,
other than the oppressive hours...
...was the unsanitary conditions.
Yeah. Last month my finger was cut off
with the cake mixer.
When my finger fell into the cake batter,
they didn't even stop.
- They just kept making the cupcakes.
- Dear Lord.
And the rats... Just yesterday I opened up
a bottle of Schnitzelgeigerbru...
...and guess what I found?
A rat fetus inside.
- It's true, Sandy.
- Rat fetus?
- Oh, my God.
- Goddamn it!
Now we really gotta kick
those guys' asses.
Absolutely.
Schnitzengiggle Tavern.
No, no. It was totally false.
It was a joke.
Yeah, I understand.
Canceled reservation.
Schnitzengiggle.
No, no, no. No rats. No rats at all.
We've been rat-free since 1976.
I promise...
All right, no problem.
- Another one?
- Yeah.
Schnitzengiggle.
No, I'm very happy
with my long-distance service.
Yes. This is a really bad time. Thanks.
God. Solicitors.
Take this one.
Schnitzengiggle Tavern.
- It's the health board.
- Hang up. Hang up.
- Give me this.
- Put that in the cooler.
Guys...
...l'm really sorry...
...but I gotta quit the team.
- What are you talking about?
I got fired from the lab
due to slipping performance.
So a couple of frogs didn't get
their around-the-world.
No, you don't understand.
I don't know how it happened,
but somehow...
...I cloned a batch of monkey-frogs.
Don't they hand out
Nobel Prizes for that?
Let me see that.
Let me see you little...
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God!
What have you done?
Landfill?
What's wrong?
Krista said she couldn't handle
all the lies and the drinking anymore.
She took the kids and left.
Oh, my God.
You've got kids?
It's okay. It's okay. I'm okay.
I just need some time.
- Maybe a beer.
- Get him a beer.
Thank you.
Did you know he had kids?
Schwarzemaiden to Iron Eagle.
Come in, Iron Eagle.
Iron Eagle, are you there?
Mission accomplished.
Mission accomplished. I got it.
I got it.
Cherry?
Hey. Okay, now.
- Don't be rash, Phillip.
- How did they get to you?
I was in the employ of the von Wolfhausen
family long before I came to this stinkhole.
And now that I have
your precious beer recipe, I can go.
Well, you're gonna have to
get through me first.
What?
Yeah, girlfriend!
Come on!
Yeah!
Feel that pulling you down?
That's the yeast, baby.
It's like quicksand.
Say goodbye.
Love you.
Hey, Landfill, where are you, buddy?
Why don't we have a beer
and talk about it?
Lan...
No!
That's it. We're packing it in.
What, the team?
The team, the beer, the restaurant.
All of it.
- What? No, you're crazy...
- Jan. Let it go.
Our friend is dead.
It's over.
Landfill could eat a ton.
But he could also love a ton.
He had this habit
of swallowing his food whole.
I called him "The Tiger Shark."
I used to joke
that if you cut open his belly...
...you would find a license plate
and a tire and half of an 8-year-old boy.
One time, he farted an entire plum.
I was plumb surprised.
I always told him
to try to chew his food better...
...but he never listened to me.
But that was Landfill.
He was a fat asshole.
But...
...he was my fat asshole.
- Hello.
- Hey, Laurie. How are you?
- God, you're looking good.
- Thanks, Barry.
Wow, what have you been up to?
Me, l...
- Working on bridges. Under bridges.
- Like an architect?
Yeah. Yeah.
- Still in contact with the Silo?
- The Silo.
I'll talk to you later. Bye.
Sorry. Hi.
Good to see you.
- Krista, I'm so sorry.
- Thank you. Thank you for coming.
I appreciate it. Thank you.
- Krista, I can't begin to tell you how sorry...
- You should be ashamed of yourself.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Great Gam Gam.
What are you doing here?
I too came to pay my respects
to a good man.
But unlike you, I am not weeping.
We're not weeping. We're mourning.
Our friend just committed suicide.
- When were you going to tell me?
- Tell you what?
That you are not competing in Beerfest.
- How did you know about that?
- One death.
- We should see if they got crab cakes left.
- Oh, great idea.
Stay put, you.
I want you all to hear the true story...
...of the Baron Ludwig von Wolfhausen,
who fell in love...
...with a beautiful young Bavarian whore.
So you really were a whore?
What do you think this is?
You said you got kicked
in the face by a Clydesdale.
This is the mark of the whore.
It was a simple time, a beautiful time.
You see, the Baron Ludwig
and I were in love.
But we had to keep our love secret...
...because he was married
to a young baroness.
We also had to keep
your grandfather's birth a secret...
...because he was
the baron's first-born son.
Wait, Grandpa was the first-born?
Yes.
But the baroness found out about it,
me and my young Johan...
...and had us tarred and feathered
and run out of town.
You two are the rightful heirs
to the von Wolfhausen brewery.
You should have the balls
to take back what is yours.
Wow, you even talk like a whore.
We are all whores in some way,
Mr. Finkelstein.
She's right.
You boys are a team, und a good one.
If you can't do it for your grandfather
or your country or your dead friend...
...do it for yourselves.
- I'm in.
- Me too.
- Hell, yeah! I'm in.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- I can't do it.
I can't play Pong.
It happened a couple years after college.
I was in Thailand,
playing Ping-Pong in Ding Dang.
I was in a real high-stakes game
in some opium den.
Turned out the guys I was playing
aren't the kind of guys who like to lose.
After I beat them...
...they beat me.
Worked me over pretty good.
And this is hard to say...
...but they held me down...
...and they shoved
a Ping-Pong paddle up my ass.
It's never been the same.
I'm damaged goods.
Gosh, Barry, I'm so sorry.
I don't know what I would do if somebody
shoved a paddle handle up my ass.
Wasn't the handle.
I've been shitting pancakes ever since.
Mr. Badrinath...
...we are not so different, you and I.
I've had all kinds of things
shoved up my ass.
I got over it.
You will too.
You will too.
- So much to digest in there.
- Yeah.
Calgon, take me away.
You guys are my family.
Without you, I got nothing.
Let's do this for Landfill...
...and for Johan...
...and for Great Gam Gam.
One question.
Who we gonna get to replace Landfill?
Now, this is the party
I was hoping to find.
Landfill? You're alive?
No, I'm not Landfill.
I'm Landfill's twin brother, Gil.
- Gil?
- Gil?
I taught Landfill
everything he knew about drinking beer.
I wanna fulfill his legacy
by taking his place on your team.
- You must be Fink.
- How'd you know?
Landfill told me everything about you.
I feel like I know all you guys.
So we won't have that awkward
get-to-know-each-other stage.
- Perfect.
- And if I could just ask one favor.
- Name it.
- lf it wouldn't be too uncomfortable...
...I was hoping maybe you guys
could call me Landfill, in honor of him.
- Yeah, sure, sure.
- Sure.
It'd be like we never lost Landfill.
Landfill...
...it would be an honor
if you would join us.
Cheers.
Oh, my God, he's faster than Landfill.
Oh, my God, what is that, bratwurst?
- He even smells like Landfill.
- God, someone open a window, fast.
Wait!
- I wanna bask in it.
- Yeah, yeah. Just let it be.
Welcome back, Landfill.
Hey, let's go get sour on some Krauts.
Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Come on!
Yeah!
Landfill Two,
you are twice the man Landfill One was.
Well, thank you, little lady.
Yeah!
Are we lost?
The thing about it is, you know,
we were shit-faced when he took us there.
- What?
- Really drunk.
We been training for an entire year,
lost our jobs and our family...
...and you don't know where this is?
- You haven't been training.
- Can it, college boy!
- "College boy"? I thought you...
- Hey, guys. Please, give it a rest.
- You know what? I got an idea.
It might work. I did this study in college:
Finkelstein's Theory on Effects of Alcohol
on the Temporal Lobes.
- English.
- Drunken recall.
I made people drink massive quantities, then
taught things while they were blacked out.
Now, in the morning,
they had no recollection of it.
But when I got them drunk again,
they remembered.
- Bullshit.
- Now you're coming after me?
Cowboy on one side,
Indian on the other. It's the Wild West.
- I got it published.
- Where?
Maxim magazine, under the title
"E Equals MC Hammered."
- All right, let's do this.
- Which one of you two was more wasted?
- He was.
- He was.
All right, okay, I was.
I actually hadn't eaten much that day.
Anything?
Sorry. But I have been training
for a beer-drinking competition.
Drink.
- Sober as a bird.
- All right. Enough fucking around.
Here. Try this.
The password!
- That was great.
- That was last year's password!
Oh, come on.
- That's cheap.
- Shit.
I got an idea.
The pa...!
Silence.
The old Trojan keg.
Very clever for Americans.
- Now get them out of here.
- Hang on, hang on, hang on.
We're here to honor our grandfather,
Johan von Wolfhausen.
The stableboy thief?
No. Your half-brother.
Your older half-brother and rightful heir
to the von Wolfhausen brewery.
Oh, please.
Johan wasn't even Ludwig's
true offspring.
No?
Look at the portrait.
Not a true offspring?
I'd say it looks pretty close to me, eh?
You know the von Wolfhausen brewery
is our brewery.
Even if your silly fairy tale was true,
we have a little saying in Mnchen.
Get the fuck out of here.
- Guards.
- Wait, wait!
We came here to drink some beer.
Are you gonna let us do that, or are you
afraid of getting your asses stomped?
Let them drink!
Yeah! Let them compete!
Let them drink!
Let them drink!
Let them drink!
Let them drink!
Grandpapa, we've crushed them once.
Let us do it again, huh?
Let us humiliate them.
Please, Opy, we can do this.
- We can do it.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Why not? For shits and giggle.
Let them drink!
Beer drinkers...
...welcome to Beerfest.
- Yeah!
- Come on!
You are the privileged few.
We got the Brits in Round One.
We already kicked their asses in WWll.
Cheerio, let's do it again.
Drink well. Drink with honor.
Let the games begin.
Beerfest! Beerfest! Beerfest!
First round is best of five.
U.S.A. versus England.
You're all fur coat
and no trousers, you are.
- I'm sorry. One more time?
- Shove off!
We're gonna put the skitters
in your Alan Whickers, you plonker!
- Do you know what he's saying?
- Volume Chug!
Come on, big boy.
What, are you gonna fucking cry?
That's all you, Landfill. All you.
Come on!
Come on, motherfucker! It's time!
Come on, baby. It's all you, buddy.
Drink it down.
How about this? How about that?
How about:
Now, how do I say this? The Mexican.
Championship round,
Germany versus U.S.A.
All right. This is what we came for,
the Germans!
Yeah, the Germans!
Oh, that's good.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
What's up, Finky?
I got it. Beating the boot.
It's so simple.
It's all about fluid dynamics
and quantum bubblenautics. Follow?
I missed that first part
when he said something.
Pay attention. I'm only doing this once,
okay? Excuse me!
Do me a favor, top me off.
Thank you. Okay.
Now, look. The bubble is essentially
a high-pressure vacuum...
...that grows and grows
until it gets to the heel...
...then it pops and explodes
out of the boot. Okay?
So, what you wanna do
is create a spiral effect...
...by spinning the boot
and making a whirlpool.
When the bubble hits the corner,
gravity will take over...
...and shoot beer down your throats.
So, what you're saying is,
when the bubble comes...
...just turn the boot.
If we find ourselves in a
boot challenge, we can beat these guys.
Way to go, Finky.
All right.
Let's light this Kraut candle.
Yeah!
I'm still peeing! I'm still going!
We're gonna wipe our schwanz on you.
Bring it on, meine bitch.
Championship round is best of seven.
Und jetzt...
...for the ultimate battle!
First up, long-distance krgerbounce.
Distance, 10 meters.
What do you say, Barr?
Watch and learn.
Shaking your butt.
Move the bucket 20 meters.
Twenty meters!
Twenty meters.
You're never gonna make it.
Oh, yeah?
Thirty meters.
Thirty meters.
Okay. Let's see it.
Yeah!
Germany, the winner!
It's okay. It's okay.
Yes!
U.S.A. sucks!
Germany, three.
U.S.A., zero.
If Germany wins, they are the champions!
Hold. Hold on. Wait a minute.
Hold the phones.
Herr Referee...
...there is an American player
who has not competed in any event.
And the rule says every competitor
must compete, otherwise...
...disqualification.
Hold on there, Hansel.
That is the rule.
Your fifth teammate must compete now.
Are you talking about me?
Jan, if we let him play, we're gonna
get slaughtered and it's over, kaput.
You heard the guy.
I'll play with him.
Barry, are you sure?
Sure as schnitzel.
Hey, Barr-zo, I'm proud of you.
Hey, thanks.
Hey, Comrades, how about loser
takes a paddle up the ass?
I like that.
Volley for serve.
You know you have to hit the ball.
What do you think about that, fuckhead?
Yeah, Barry, you got him. He's yours.
What do you think about that, headfuck?
Match point!
Come on, we gotta win this one.
You got nothing. Bring it.
Jiminy.
Come on, Barry.
Wow, what a shot!
Hey, Todd,
sorry about porking your wife, man.
Hey, Barry,
you can pork my wife anytime.
What's the name of the game?
Thumper!
And why do we play it?
To get fucked up!
No! No!
No, I didn't! No, I did this!
No, I didn't! No, I didn't!
Bullshit! I did the...
Look at the scoreboard! Scoreboard!
I'm burying you.
You're not even close, girlie.
Halt!
You're worried now.
You're worried now, aren't you?
Take that. Moment of truth.
Germany, 224.
That's good, that's good.
U.S.A...
...228.
All tied up. Sudden death.
You know what that means.
Das Boot!
Das Boot! Das Boot!
Das Boot! Das Boot! Das Boot!
Hey, guys, this is that moment.
The moment that only exists in sports.
The moment where the good guys
take on the bad guys.
The moment that,
if this was a speech in a movie...
...this would be shown
up on the humongotron...
...to get the home-team fans
fired up, huh? Right?
Us versus them!
We're the bad guys
and they're the good guys.
And I'll be damned
if we're gonna let the good guys win!
Yeah, we're actually the good guys
and they're the bad guys, so...
Right. Let me start that again,
guys, huh?
Hey, guys, this is that moment...
Fellas. Fellas.
I just wanna say
thanks for the greatest year of my life.
All right? And no matter what happens,
win or lose...
...drinking beer with you guys
is just plain old-fashioned fun.
Yeah. Yeah.
Hey, let's do this
for Grandpa Wolfhouse.
And for Landfill.
And Gam Gam?
And America. On three. One, two, three:
Grandpa Wolfhouse, Landfill
and Gam Gam and America!
Go, go, go!
Line Chug. Germany versus U.S.A.
Winner is champion...
...of Beerfest!
Das Boot! Das Boot! Das Boot!
Yeah, you can suck your own dick.
We're gonna take you all the way...
- Cherry?
- Our finest secret agent.
We sent her to keep an eye on you.
Oh, hit that, Grandpapa.
Take what's yours, Grandpapa.
Damn, that's nasty.
Always bet on black. Yeah.
Yeah, always bet on black.
That's a great quote.
Game on. Not a drop can be spilled.
Shake it off.
Hey, fatass, when I dropped
your brother in that vat...
...he squealed like a stuffed pig.
Germany!
Did you hear what she said?
Get out of here. Get out!
No, no. Hey, ump. Do something, ump.
Losers.
See you later, stableboy.
Say hello to the family whore.
U.S.A. sucks! U.S.A. sucks!
U.S.A. sucks!
Double or nothing.
On what, huh?
The von Wolfhausen family recipe.
You win, you get to keep it.
We win, we get your brewery.
Or should I say our brewery?
But we already have the recipe.
I got it off of the nerd's computer.
- You're fucked.
- Yeah, he's fucked.
- That's rich, Baron.
- What's so funny?
I didn't put that recipe on my computer.
However, you are holding the recipe
for a low-carb strawberry beer.
We call it She-Wolf. It's okay.
Strawberry?
No. No. You know how
you like strawberries?
You want me to lose weight,
so that was the low-carb...
Wait a minute, we like strawberry...
Get your damn hands off...
You're trying to see my panties.
Goddamn it, put me down, please!
Where are the Africans?
Can the Africans come help me? Jesus!
So are we gonna play for the recipe...
...or should I just roll it up
and eat it? I'm hungry.
Wait, wait. Wait. Wait!
Put your money where your mouth is.
Us against you. Ten boots.
Five against five.
You couldn't even do one boot.
You can barely stand!
Grandpapa?
Take the bet, you fucking pussy.
Okay. Crush the bastards.
And then I want spectator number one
killed.
Yeah, this is going to be like taking
black walnut candy from the baby.
That's very funny, Deutschbag.
Only thing is:
One, we're not babies, and two...
We're not that drunk.
They're not that drunk. Cheeky bastards.
They're not that drunk!
They're not that drunk!
They're not that drunk!
They're not that drunk!
They're not that drunk!
Five boots? Are you fucking mental?
Trust me, we can do this.
Just spin the boot
when the bubble comes.
Trust me, this will work.
Gentlemen. Ready?
Good luck. You're going to need it.
Das Boot!
Das Boot! Das Boot! Das Boot!
Deutschland, you're floored!
Look, the little one looks like he has
pubic hair all over his head.
It's okay, it works.
Yeah, because you have a dickface.
You son of a bitch!
Yeah.
I accidentally pushed his thingy off.
That's a great one. Dickface.
Fink's got the eye of the Jew.
He's got the eye of the Jew.
Fink's our anchorman.
Come on. Trust me. Trust me.
You just blew it, Friedrich.
Spin it.
Come on.
Spin it.
Spin it.
Drink, Fink. Drink, Fink. Drink, Fink.
Drink, Fink, drink! Drink, Fink, drink!
Drink, Fink, drink!
U.S.A.
U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A.
A little R and R in Amsterdam.
Just what the doctor ordered.
You know, I came to a conference
here once. Hookerthon 2002.
Fantastic seminars.
Sounds fun.
Nothing but the best for the executives
of von Wolfhausen brewery, right?
That's right.
Hey, guys, where are we?
I think the hotel is this way?
You gotta be kidding me.
Hold on. Let me check.
No, I think it's that way.
Hey.
- Holy crap, Willie Nelson.
- What are you doing here?
It's a funny story.
I was invited over here...
...for this big, secret, international,
pot-smoking competition.
My teammates, Cheech and Chong,
chickened out on me.
They wouldn't fly
in my biodiesel airplane...
...and the smoke-out's in 30 minutes
and I don't wanna get disqualified.
Now, you guys don't wanna
be my teammates, do you?
Yeah!
Let's do it. Did you hear one
about the guy that told his son:
"If you don't quit masturbating,
you'll go blind."
He said, "Dad, I'm over here."
Oh, you guys fancy yourselves
drinkers, huh?
Yeah, maybe a little bit.
I think we just won the...
Yeah, I think we just...
Yeah, I think we just...
What the hell is going on? Yeah.
- Bastards.
- I was playing Ping-Pong in Ding Dang.
I was... I saw that.
Turned out, the guys I was playing...
The guys... Okay.
I was playing Ping-Pong in Ding Dang.
I mean, come on. Cut it.
This sweet nectar was my lifeblood.
Oh, yeah, Landfill.
Go for it, my friend.
He's got it going on, this guy.
Are we playing or not?
Time to scheie off the...
Are we playing or not?
Time to scheie on our...
Are we playing or not?
Time to scheie or get off the crap.
Crapper.
Okay, come back in, do it again.
All right.
Everybody's drunk.
And cut it. Cut.
One question. Who are we gonna get...?
Do I know you?
Me? No. No, I don't think so.
Well, you look familiar.
Didn't I pay you a dollar for something?
No, no. Wasn't me, no.
I remember now. I paid you a dollar
to touch your toes...
...and then touch your dick.
Yeah, that could have been me.
Good to see you again.
I wish it were winter. We could make it
into ice blocks and skate on it...
...and then melt it in the springtime
and drink it.
All right, cut it.
Cut.
I'll give you that.
I don't got room in my
pocket for more of your money.
I got a little spunk for you.
You couldn't hit your own ball bag
with your own wrinkled cock.
Chance.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
You play rim rules?
Doesn't everybody?
Yeah, the shit-stabbers like you.
Hold on there, girlfriend.
You're gonna chance...
...you're gonna have to earn it.
Oh, no. No way.
Forget about it.
I'm out of here. Where's my...?
Hey. You said you wanted to chance,
now take a chance.
All right, all right.
Son of a bitch!
Up yours, Johnny Cash.
Okay. Grab him, boys.
You weren't trying to play me for
a fool, were you, Wolfhouse?
Beginner's luck.
You don't come into my place of business
and take my money like that.
Now, what I should do is
beat seven shades of shit out of you.
- But I'll teach you something somebody...
- Hey!
What's going on down here?
Todd, welcome home!
I'm just having some fun with your
younger, dumber brother.
Might not be the best time.
Everyone's waiting.
Oh, of course.
Padre?
I'll come back for the rest.
Great Gam Gam. I'm so sorry.
My friends...
...as we gather today to mourn
the passing of Johan Wolfhouse...
...what can I say that
Johan can't say for himself?
Hello, all.
If you are watching this,
then I have croaked.
Now I will never know what happens on
The Young and the Restless.
- He loved that show.
- But seriously, I wanted to thank you all...
...for what you have added to
my long and happy life.
Most of all, my mother.
Mother, I always knew
you would outlive me.
I loved you.
Prosit.
Todd, Jan,
my smart and talented grandsons...
...take good care of the restaurant.
It is the last piece of your heritage.
And don't worry,
someone will be watching over you.
Popo!
- Hey. It's Popo.
- Popo was given to me...
...by my father on his deathbed.
Prosit!
And finally, to me.
Looking good down there.
Say good night, Popo.
Good night, Popo.
For hundreds of years,
it has been a Wolfhouse tradition...
...to spread the ashes of
our loved ones in Munich.
I am too old.
I want you boys to go to Germany...
...and carry out this tradition
for your grandfather.
Sure, it would be an honor for us,
Great Gam Gam. When?
Well, you must leave immediately.
The tradition is to spread the ashes...
...during the festival
on the Theresienwiese.
There you will meet
a Mr. Schniedelwichsen.
He will take you to
the family resting place.
The festival begins this week.
The festival of the what-what?
Oh, boys, you know this festival
as Oktoberfest.
We're in.
We really gotta find this Schniedelwichsen
and spread Grandpa's ashes.
He's supposed to meet us here.
So there's nothing we can do
but hang out and wait. Right, Grandpa?
Come on, guys.
Are you making fun of us, mate?
What? No.
We're singing the beloved
drinking songs of our country...
...and you sing us
that bloody jingo jango?
I reckon you're taking
the piss out of Oktoberfest.
We're just singing.
What do you think, mate?
I think we should fucking brain them.
Hey, we love Oktober...
Hot cheese soup!
Hot cheese so...!
Come on.
This is the Fruleins Gone Wild!
Just kiss each other, ja?
Helmut, my God, are you okay?
Oh, strewth. They hit the little kid!
Let's get the bastards!
So this is Oktoberfest.
Wolfhouse?
Yeah.
I am Mr. Schniedelwichsen.
- Hi!
- Let's go.
Gam Gam said you'd meet us here.
There's some crazy...
- Gotcha.
- Hey!
- He's got me!
- He's gone crazy dingo.
Make fast! Make very fast!
Split! Split!
Where are we going,
Mr. Spiedelspackel?
Schniedelwichsen. Come.
Halt. See, we're here.
Johan?
The ashes.
We left them back at that tent.
We gotta go get our grandfather's ashes.
Come. Come now.
We in the right neighborhood?
Oh, hello, blondie.
You care for a dance?
Jan? Jan?
Leave my brother alone.
I miss you!
The password!
Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
They're playing Quarters!
Hey, Beer Pong!
Upside-down Chugs!
Come! Come in here.
I'd bugger her
for a game of soldiers, huh?
Hello. Pim Scutney.
This here's me mate, Rog Gobshire.
Team England.
I am Jan Wolfhouse and
this is my brother, Todd Wolfhouse.
And what is this?
Beerfest, innit!
Is this part of Oktoberfest?
Oktoberfest is for tossers and
sheep-shaggers.
Beerfest is our lives.
The ultimate test of
a beer-gamer's mettle!
- Where's the American team?
- Yeah.
- That's worth a squirt, innit?
- What?
Excuse me, guys.
Please vomit in proper receptacles!
Wait a second.
Look at those urns over there.
They look just like Grandpa's.
That's why Schniedelwasher
brought us here.
We're supposed to put Grandpa's urn
up there with those.
We gotta go back and get it.
You go. I'm never leaving this place.
Das Boot! Das Boot! Das Boot! Das Boot!
Hello, guvnor!
We got ourselves a tie.
You see them blokes in the knickers?
That's the German team, the champs.
Their family owns
the oldest brewery in Bavaria.
They're regular diamond geezers,
they are, right?
Why does the last guy
chug out of a shoe?
That's no shoe!
That's Das Boot!
And she's a cruel old mistress, she is.
Drink up, Hansel!
Wow, they're fast!
Das Boot!
Das Boot! Das Boot!
Schniedelspanker!
Von Wolfhausen. Wolfhouse.
Your last name's von Wolfhausen?
Get the fuck out of here. So is ours!
Wolfhouse.
We're cousins?
Oh, this just gets better and better!
We must be related through
our grandfather, Johan von Wolfhausen.
Why are you taking him?
Where's he going?
We kind of need to stick close.
- He is of no concern to you.
- But he was just walking us through. He...
You do not speak of Beerfest
outside of Beerfest!
You do not bring outsiders to Beerfest.
But our grandfather
was Johan von Wolf...
Your grandfather
was no von Wolfhausen.
Your grandfather was a thieving
bastard stable boy.
- What did you say?
- Baron Ludwig von Wolfhausen...
...our great-grandfather, the most
legendary brewmeister in all Deutschland.
He perfected the von Wolfhausen
beer recipe.
It was the greatest beer in all the world.
When Ludwig died, your grandfather stole
the only copy of the recipe created.
Hold on a second.
Our grandfather didn't brew beer.
He had this little sausage house
in Colorado. He couldn't...
He could und he did.
He stole our recipe und fled Germany
with his mother...
...a common Bavarian...
What's the English word I'm looking for?
Whore.
Gam Gam a whore?
Obviously there's
a translation problem here.
Hooker. Prostitute. Slut for money.
- Now you're crossing the line.
- No, you are crossing the line! He stole it!
Und now, instead of having Deutschland's
greatest beer, we merely have fourth-best.
Ja, we are not your cousins.
You are the offspring of the bastard son
of some whore!
- Don't call Gam Gam a whore! She's not!
- Punch me! Do it!
Ja, you big tough guy.
Kill me, come on.
Do it now! Kill me.
What are you waiting for?
Typical Americans. This is why
we don't allow you in our Beerfest.
You get a few drinks in you
und you become the Dirty Harry.
You should go back to your strip malls
and drink your Zimas and Smirnoff Ices.
Und then you can punch each other silly.
Okay. Okay.
Okay. Sounds like you guys
fancy yourselves drinkers, huh?
Ja, maybe a little.
I think we just beat the Irish, so...
- Oh, that's good. The champions. What?
- Well, I'll tell you what.
Why don't you pick your best two?
Because you just opened up a can of corn.
Corn.
We are laughing.
We are laughing at you.
- Our best two? You want our best two?
- The corn.
How about our worst two, right?
Hammacher! Schlemmer!
You take the big guy.
I'll get the little one.
You ready, du kleiner Hosenscheier?
Everyone at once.
First team to finish wins. On my word.
- Let's do this.
- Ja, do it.
Hey, boys, why don't you let us
put a nipple on that for you?
I remember my first beer.
Prosit.
Allow me to introduce our grandfather:
Wolfgang von Wolfhausen.
Take a good look...
...for this is a real von Wolfhausen.
Grandpapa.
Oh, shit.
So you are the progeny of Johan.
I am guessing that he is the one
who taught you how to drink beer.
Now...
...where is our recipe?
What fucking recipe?
Friends...
...this is all that remains
of a thieving stable boy...
...who ran away to America
with his whore mother!
I'm a sucker for family reunions.
Here are a couple of euros.
Go back and get a BJ
from your great-grandma, on me.
Now get out of here.
BJ! BJ! BJ! BJ! BJ! BJ!
They called Grandpa a thief
and Gam Gam a whore!
We gotta go back.
We gotta go back and beat those guys.
- Oh, come on, man, that's crazy.
- Is it? We can do this.
We can do what?
Great Gam Gam.
Mein boys. Oh, willkommen.
Honey, what happened to your eye?
I accidentally walked into a wall.
Yeah, the Berlin Wall.
I'll tell Tippy to get
some cold pig stomach.
We put that on Janny's eye.
So tell me,
was the ceremony beautiful?
Yeah. Very beautiful. I mean, gorgeous.
Was it a peaceful resting place?
Have you ever been
to the family resting place?
No, but I've been told it is wonderful.
- Quiet, lovely.
- Yeah.
And how is Herr Schniedelwichsen?
- Oh, he's fine. Great guy.
- Yeah. Good.
He says hi.
Oh, you boys have done a great thing.
Now your grandpapa can rest in peace.
She couldn't be more not a whore.
We're gonna defend her honor.
We're gonna defend Grandpa's honor!
- We're gonna put together our own team!
- Yes.
We'll get the biggest drinkers, the best
beer-gamers, the fastest chuggers.
Then we're gonna go back
and kick the tar out of those Krauts!
That's my brother!
God, I missed you.
Beerfest it is.
They want a war?
We'll give them a war
they won't believe.
So how'd you find him?
Some dude, used to work
with him at the brewery.
Haven't seen him since
Hands Across America.
Oh, that's right.
I heard that when the brewery gave
him his pink slip, he killed a guy.
I heard that too.
There he is.
You got nothing, baby.
I got everything!
You got nothing! You got nothing!
We're gonna win this thing.
Can I have your autograph?
Oh, no autographs, kids.
No, no, no. Thanks anyway.
Get you next time.
Hey, guys. Good job out there, Naka.
Hey, Landfill! Hey, big guy!
Hey, look what the cat dragged in!
I haven't seen you guys since...
Hands Across America?
We were just saying that.
We almost made it.
Couple breaks in the chain, right?
What's going on?
You disappeared for a while.
We heard you got fired from the brewery.
Goddamn brewery!
They brew 10,000 bottles of beer a day.
I drink 45 off the assembly line,
and I'm the asshole.
Jim Tobleson said they called in
a hostage negotiator.
Jim Tobleson's a fucking Chatty Cathy.
I did my three years up at the county pen.
Made some friends, went Muslim.
Now I'm out, praise Allah.
I heard that someone died that day.
Yeah, somebody did die that day.
Me.
I had the greatest job in the world,
brewing cold, fresh joy for thousands.
Not to mention all the beer
you could drink, right?
They took it away from me.
Yep, I'd trade all this in if I could get
that feeling back again.
What?
There he is.
Nathan Cornwell has discovered...
...pneumono-ultra-microscopic-
silico-volcano-canaisis.
Big round of applause, people.
You want that geek?
What's he gonna do, check my urine?
I met Finkelstein back in college.
He was a real brainiac, that nerd.
Studied everything about everything.
Including beer.
So shut the fuck up.
What are you doing?
Put the frog on the table.
Clean out the floxinator
or something, all right?
People, listen up. Use your thumbs.
Locate the seminal vesicle here,
the ejaculatory ducts here.
Then stroke it.
Stroke it. Stroke it hard.
Cup the gonads.
If you don't cup the gonads...
Finky!
Jan? Todd?
What are you guys doing here?
- Hey, smart coat.
- Oh, thank you. It's rayon.
What are you doing?
We're extracting frog gamete
for cloning trials.
You're jerking him off.
- Who's the hippo?
- Phil Krundel.
The name's Landfill.
Listen, Fink.
We're putting together a drinking team.
There's a competition
and we want you to be part of it.
- Come on. I'm really busy.
- We're serious.
You don't understand. I'm a respected
member of the scientific community.
Sorry.
- We can't do it without you, Fink.
- No chance. I have a job.
I've got a house with a pool
and a two-car garage. I got three Ph.D.s.
Hey! Don't do that!
- I'm published in four journals.
- What?
Toad Load Weekly?
We need you, Fink.
America needs you.
That sounds a little dramatic.
That's the part we haven't told you.
We're competing against the Germans.
Germans?
Yeah. Big, blond, asshole Germans.
You got 15 minutes to tell me more.
- Can you move over, please?
- I like to sit in the middle.
What am I supposed to do?
You have room. You're little.
- You wanna sit on this side?
- Fuck you.
Jan, who are we meeting out here?
- Jan, who are we meeting out here?
- Barry Badrinath.
- What? No.
- Who's Barry Badrinath?
- I'm putting a team together.
- Turn around.
- Who's Barry?
- Don't worry.
Who's Barry Badrinath?
Who's Barry Badrinath?
Will you shut the hell up? Shut up.
Barry Badrinath was the
best beer-gamer ever.
Best at Quarters, at Pong,
best at everything.
We should put him on our team.
Well, actually, Barry and Todd
had a falling-out.
- See, Barry doinked Todd's girlfriend.
- Yahtzee.
- Zip it, Fink.
- Sorry.
Just think about Gam Gam
for a minute, all right?
- Is this guy really that good?
- Yeah.
He's the best.
We should put him on our team, then.
- There he is.
- Where?
Right there.
Oh, my God.
What happened to him?
All right. It's a regular
hot-dog cart in here, huh?
All right, here's how it works.
One dollar to look at it.
Two dollars to touch it.
Three dollars to watch me touch it.
That's lots of nice-looking manhood.
Back the fuck up, Antonio!
My dick!
My apologies.
Five to touch it
while I touch my toes.
Six dollars to touch it
while I touch your toe...
Oh, hey, Jan. How are you?
Todd. And Fink.
- Hey, looking good, Finky.
- You too, Barry.
I wish I could give you a deal here,
but my pimp's a real ball ache, you know?
So it's $ 10 for a BJ,
$ 12 for an HJ, $ 15 for a ZJ.
What's a ZJ?
If you have to ask, big man,
you can't afford it.
I got $4.
Barry, we didn't come here for a BJ...
...or a ZJ or any kind of a J.
Move along, then.
I got a mouth to feed.
Barry, wait.
Jan, hold on.
That's not such a good idea.
Barry!
There's this big beer-games competition.
We're putting a team together.
- We want you.
- Twenty-five bucks.
No, no, no. You'd be training
with us over the next year.
- Thirty bucks?
- Jan, forget it.
No, just show us some of
the old coin tricks. Come on.
Oh, please, Jan, let's get out of here.
- No. Wait.
- No?
Clearly, you've fallen on hard times.
This would be a chance
to get back to the glory days.
It's a chance to show you still got it.
You still got it, right?
You bet your ass I do.
Show them.
Watch and learn, baby diapers.
Just like college.
It's nothing to worry about.
He's shaking the cobwebs off.
I got it. I got it.
All right, here we go.
- A little sticky on the:
- Yeah.
- This guy blows.
- Come on. You can do it.
Glasses, maybe. I...
What are you looking at?
Barry, what happened to you?
Get out of here! Get out of here!
- Get out of here!
- Barry, Barry...
- Get out of here!
- Help! Help!
So, what about
Dan "The Magic Man" Dunchkowski?
He'd down a beer ball
with every meal.
He's no good.
He had that Al Roker surgery.
He went black?
Don't be a moron.
He got his stomach stapled.
Most he can fit are two Triscuits
and a glass of water.
Really?
Oh, boy.
Wolfhouses, I want on the team.
Forget about it. You're done.
You don't have any more, Badrinath.
Oh, yeah?
He's got a gun!
Unbelievable!
That's incredible.
I'm better when I'm drunk.
- I'll say.
- Of course. So is everybody.
Hey. Looks like we got ourselves a team!
- Get them in there.
- All right!
Well, boys, if we're gonna train...
...we're gonna need a training facility!
It's perfect!
It's amazing!
Look at the size of this
graduated cylinder: 2000 milliliters!
A direct-draw beer dispenser.
Half-barrel capacity,
with an anti-foaming mechanism.
These are really the coins?
Hey. I think I found us
a creepy new mascot.
Yeah, fuck it.
Yeah, give it a rim job.
Don't. That belonged to our grandpa.
Sorry.
Listen up, fellas.
The next 11 months
are gonna be tough.
As tough as anything you've ever done.
We're gonna drink beer.
And a lot of it.
If anybody here isn't up to it...
...l'm gonna give you one last chance
to walk out that door.
- That's a good one, Todd.
- Good. That's what I wanted to hear.
Because in this silver slice of
heaven here are 1984 ounces of beer.
Golden, delicious beer.
And no one leaves here until we finish
every single last drop.
All right, let's have the keys.
- All you guys. You too, big boy.
- Don't lose these.
All right, Fink, hit me.
Sorry. I'm a mathlete, not an athlete.
Hey, Barry, how about
a little warm-up match?
Good one. But I'll leave
the practicing to the amateurs.
All right, guys, let's focus, huh?
Huddle up.
All right!
Guys, those Germans
are incredible drinkers.
Better than anything I've ever seen.
Now, Fink, they've got
this thing called The Boot.
There's a secret way to drink it.
I don't know what it is.
- You'll have to figure that out for us.
- You got it, Hot Toddy.
One more thing,
I cannot stress this enough, people.
This is a super-secret competition.
You cannot tell anybody about this.
Or else what?
The guy that brought us there,
they killed him.
But let's not worry about that now.
- Let's drink some beer!
- Yeah!
- All right!
- Yeah, cheers!
Ice cold.
- Anyone else's cold?
- Really cold.
Drinking and dancing at the same time.
That's what's making it tough.
Thought there might be a bug in there.
My teeth hurt, it's so cold.
That's what makes me have to stop a bit.
- How many beers in this thing?
- About 125 beers, yeah.
A hundred and twenty-five?
Might have a cavity here.
- You're dead, bitch.
- Oh, yeah?
Remember we made Fudgsicles out
of shit and Mark DeFanti ate one?
Eight points.
These big ones have
a different flight pattern.
Nobody said it was gonna be easy.
That shiner's sure starting to fade, huh?
Yeah, I kind of wish it wouldn't.
It's great motivation.
A reminder of the humiliation.
I wouldn't mind having it
while training.
Okay.
You are a good friend.
All right, here we go.
Oh, yeah.
I know you love it, Muscle Lips.
Let's go.
Lap it up, you hungry son of a bitch.
Sorry.
Get a handle on your Frisbee, college boy.
Don't go there. You do not sully a yarmulke,
you goyim schmendrik miskayt.
I don't know why you're here.
You can't drink beer.
I'll show you how to drink
a beer, motherfucker.
Fucking man cow.
Hey, I think somebody's trying
to chug in my face!
Look out, Germans!
You got chutzpah, Fuckelstein.
- That's great.
- Hey, Todd.
About the old girlfriend thing.
Can we bury the hatchet, buddy?
- I don't know.
- It was just a one-night stand, right?
Wasn't even that good-looking.
Real dead fish, right?
I mean, she just laid there, taking it
like a plastic fuck doll, am I right?
I happen to have married
that plastic fuck doll!
Todd, no!
Hey! Get off him!
Someone's chewing my leg!
I hate you, Badrinath!
Oh, my God. Phil. Phil, honey.
Oh, my God.
Hello? Yes.
We need an ambulance immediately
at 622 Francis Drive.
Come on, Phil.
Stay with me, honey.
Oh, my God, what is that?
Ham.
Phil?
Not again.
How'd we do?
Not good.
If we're gonna drink like the Germans,
I think we're gonna need a little help.
You don't have to yell.
Don't say anything to Great Gam Gam
about the competition.
Don't talk about her being a whore.
- She's a whore?
- No, she's not a whore.
- So what if she was a whore?
- She's not.
I'm just saying, some of
my best friends are whores.
Yeah, we know.
Nice to meet you, Mrs. Wolfhouse.
- Can I help you?
- Who are you?
My name's Cherry.
- Is everything okay?
- Everything is fine.
Great Gam Gam.
Cherry is here to help me
now that my Johan is gone.
Mein darling great-grandboys...
...und their delicious-looking friends.
Come in.
And summer sausage.
Just came out of the refrigerator.
Here, try this. Oh, no, wait.
Here, let me warm it up for you.
No, that's fine. We're okay.
When we were at Oktoberfest, we noticed
that the Germans were excellent drinkers.
- Oh, yeah, that is true. That is a true thing.
- How do they get good?
Well, from the time
that they are little kids...
...Germans are raised
to be excellent beer drinkers.
- How?
- Well, for one thing...
...they train high up in the Alps.
Interesting. High-altitude training.
Similar to the Kenyan marathon runners.
They are also taught to relax
the muscles of the throat.
Germans can pretty much
stick anything down there.
I myself can probably fit in at least...
Oh, at least nine inches.
- Here, let me show you.
- No. You don't have to demonstrate.
What else do the Germans do?
They also practice by drinking
the urine of a ram.
- The what?
- They drink ram's piss.
- Because of the pH balance?
- No.
Because if you can drink ram's piss,
fuck, you can drink almost anything.
- She said "fuck."
- Gam, who's drinking piss, honey?
No, I was saying it was a tradition
back in the old country.
Damn, that's nasty. The old country
must have been fucked up.
Now, come on, baby,
it's time for your nap.
- Come on.
- Okay. Well...
See you boys later.
I always sleep better
when I have a little sausage in me.
Look, if you ask me...
...l'd have to say the whole whore thing
is a real possibility.
Bavarians have been warming
sausages like that for hundreds of years.
Would you say
it's their oldest profession?
Shut up, Landfill.
All right, but more importantly,
where are we gonna find a ram?
I'm gonna fucking puke.
That's the most
disgusting thing I've ever drank.
I doubt that, playboy.
Oh, God, is there anything better?
Not right now.
You know, fellas,
maybe training alone on a rooftop...
...drinking ram piss isn't the way to go.
Maybe we should get out there and
mix it up with some randoms, you know?
- Smart idea, college boy.
- Go test our mettle.
Yeah, challenge somebody.
Challenge ourselves.
Let's get bombed!
Yeah!
Hey. Who ordered
the Queer Eye makeover?
We're the party brigade.
We're here to play
some drinking games.
Drink. You're rowing on the wrong side.
You've gotta drink.
I've got one.
I never made out with Tommy Mullarky.
My turn. I never fooled around
with Coach Gerber.
This one's called the Strikeout.
What you're gonna do is take a hit...
...chug your beer, do a shot,
then blow out the smoke.
Here goes nothing.
Careful, dude. It's gonna fuck you up.
That's not bad at all.
"Strikeout," right?
That's nothing.
Don't...
...really, however, see what...
...all the...
...fuss is about.
- Oh, yeah. Way to go Dr. Finklestein.
- Do I know you?
- Yeah. It's me, Jerry, your paperboy.
- Hey, Jerry.
While I have you here, you forgot
my Sunday supplement last week.
Wake up, Finky. Wake up.
Cops, cops, cops!
Dude, aren't you like 40?
I'm 33.
Hey, what the hell?
Help!
What a great morning.
Night, ladies.
- Night, Todd.
- Bye, Todd.
Say hi to the missus.
All right, guys, come on.
- One, two, three.
- Go.
My glasses!
Two, three, go.
Maybe we'll move to mugs tomorrow.
He's so strict.
Hey, Finky...
...how you doing with The Boot?
- Not there yet.
I have figured out the problem,
I just don't know the solution yet.
Check this out.
Hey, fellas, gather up.
Here's the thing.
When you drink, the shape of the boot
causes an air bubble to form in the toe.
The bubble.
This air bubble
shoots around the heel...
...and explodes towards your face
while drinking.
In your face, it explodes.
- It's impossible to handle.
- It's impossible to handle.
It's unavoidable.
The Germans know how.
I find the whole thing frustrating
because I can't figure it out.
It's frustrating.
It's frustrating.
It's frustrating.
It's frustrating. It's frustrat...
Can you get the puppet off of me?!
- Hey, it's Popo.
- Sorry.
You knocked his head off.
Wait, wait. There's something in there.
Hey, what is that?
- Looks like it's German.
- Aren't you guys German?
- Yeah, so?
- Give me that.
I used to work
on a German cruise ship.
Yeah, it's a beer recipe.
- Really?
- What recipe?
Must be the old German beer recipe.
Those Germans said our grandfather
stole their family recipe.
- lf he had it, why didn't he brew it?
- Hebrew?
- Maybe he didn't know it was in here.
- It supposed to be good?
If this is the recipe, this used to be
Germany's greatest beer.
Okay, we want three cups.
That's right. Good.
Pour it on in, pour it on in.
Okay, good. Let's have a little...
- How is it, Jan?
- Tell us.
It's...
It's beautiful.
- It's magical.
- It's laughing at me.
I wish I could brush my teeth with it.
- I wanna put my dick in it.
- I want it to put its dick in me.
I wish it were winter, we could
make it into ice and skate on it.
Then melt it in the springtime
and drink it.
Hey, what's the matter, Jan?
This means Gam Gam
really was a whore.
It is good, it is good.
I can't serve it fast enough.
- Hey, buddy.
- Go with God.
Hey, Wolfie. Give me a Schnitz.
- Nice bottle.
- Hey, Landfill.
Look at this guy! He's getting better.
Dude, you want a Schnitz?
Do you want a tip with that?
Yeah.
Good one.
- Give me six Schnitzes.
- What the doctor ordered.
Drink, drink, drink!
Good, good, good.
Special delivery!
I have this special delivery
for Herr Baron.
Can't you see we are training?
I am so sorry, but this package
comes all the way from America, ja...
...and look, it is marked:
"Most urgent."
What is it, Grandpapa?
They have the recipe.
- Who else knows of this package?
- Absolutely no one.
Only me. It's just me.
- Dispose of him.
- Wait!
No, no, no! What about
"Don't shoot the messenger," right?
We're not going to shoot you.
Boys, prepare your things.
We are going to America.
To get our recipe!
Hasta la vista, messenger boy.
Up your nose mit the rubber hose!
I don't really have a move
except this one.
Are you out?
Finish your beer, asshole.
Asshole!
Asshole! Asshole! Asshole!
Eat that tomato in one bite, asshole.
Asshole! Asshole! Asshole!
- Good job, asshole.
- Oh, no.
- Where you going?
- Get out of here.
Watch out. He's coming your way.
See you later, asshole.
Hey, Jan.
- You all right?
- That's a good shot.
Like the love.
Yeah.
Looking good, Barry.
Looking good,
you handsome motherfucker.
We gotta get you out of those
wet clothes and into a dry martini.
- What?
- I said, "Out of the martini?"
- Get away from me.
- All right.
Two shots, please.
How about a little Sex on the Beach?
I think my place is closer.
- You wanna get out of here?
- You looking for a little slap and tickle?
Oh, yeah. Something like that.
I'm gonna go grab a taxi, baby.
Okay.
- Yeah?
- Barry, what are you doing?
You kidding me? She's hot as hell.
I'm looking for
a little slap and pickle.
You sure you wanna do this?
You're drunk.
I'm drunk. You're drunk.
Everybody's drunk!
Hi, Daddy.
Hey, Mama.
Damn, that's nasty.
Come here.
I'm gonna butter your bread, baby.
Nice and toasty, please.
- You wanna get out of here?
- Looking for a little slap and tickle?
Something like that.
I think I dropped my monkey.
How many licks does it take
to get to the center.
I'm gonna rock your world.
I am going to break your dick off.
Suck them.
Lick them clean, Daddy.
Suck them. Suck them.
Lick them clean. Yes!
Suck them! Suck them!
Now, don't peek.
Quit squirming!
Oh, Daddy.
Oh, you dirty motherfucker, right there.
Come on.
I knew it the whole time.
I'm better than you!
Somebody had the pig snouts over here?
Who ordered the pig snouts?
Gentlemen...
...it appears it is time to initiate
Operation Recipe Retrieve.
Is that the title we all agreed on?
I kind of like Operation Stein Grab.
Or what about Brauheist 2006?
- Oh, that's a good one.
- It's kind of spunky.
- Ja, it's fun.
- One second.
- What if it takes longer than a year?
- Ja, I was hoping to be done by 2007.
That's true. I have big plans for 2007.
Ja, we should take a vote, because
I never liked Recipe Retrieve either.
This is not a democracy.
We always waste so much time
arguing about names.
I'm sick of it.
I came up with Operation Recipe Retrieve,
and that's the name!
- Okay, fine.
- I like it now.
I'm sorry.
It's just that I start to feel
so cooped up in these U-boats.
I had a bad experience once.
Thank you.
Now, let's go get what belongs to us.
Battle stations.
Landfill! Landfill! Landfill!
Watch out. Okay, here comes
the bubble. Get ready.
Damn it! It's the bubble!
I know. No, it's a bitch.
Don't worry. Come on.
You're getting better. Next time.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Krista.
- Can I try that?
- Honey, we're practicing.
- Hey, fill her up, okay?
- Practicing for what?
- Nothing.
- No, seriously.
You said you were practicing.
Practicing for what?
Hey, honey, let's go take a look
at the glockenspiels.
No, I don't wanna look
at the goddamn glockenspiels.
- They're really shiny. Come on.
- I don't wanna.
Well, hello, Dirty Harrys!
Holy cameltoe.
Ja, the last time we saw you...
...you were wearing
your grandfather's ashes as a hat.
You have one minute
to march out that door.
We have come for our recipe.
That's our recipe.
We figured you would say that.
Despite your thievery, we are prepared
to buy it from you, right now...
...in cash.
Big deal.
A suitcase full of Monopoly money?
Come on, those are euros.
What's that, like pesos?
Yeah! Come on.
That is legal European tender.
We should have brought deutsche marks!
- But they are so hard to find!
- They're not!
No, there's five ATMs.
No, there's a Quickie Mart
right around the corner.
Enough!
Here is 500,000 American dollars.
It's not for sale.
Well, why don't we make it interesting?
You seem like sporting fellows, no?
I am so sorry. I'm really sorry.
How about a match?
You win, you keep the recipe
und the money.
We win...
...the recipe is ours.
- Give me that thing.
All right, Barry. It's showtime.
Yeah, there's something
I haven't quite told you yet.
I don't play Pong anymore.
What are you talking about, man?
You're the best. Here, let's go.
- Come on. Let's go kick their ass.
- I don't fucking play Pong!
Jesus, calm down.
Pull it together.
You're acting a little crazy here.
Your wife didn't think I was crazy when
I double-teamed her with "Silo" Johnson.
- The double-team.
- The double-team.
Yeah, that's right.
Never knew it was a three-way, did you?
- With the Silo?
- Yeah.
Let me tell you something:
- He wasn't storing corn in that thing.
- Son of a bitch!
Fuck it! I quit.
What? Barry!
The fuck is that?
Are we playing or not?
Time to scheie or get off the crapper.
Get bent, umlaut. We're gonna sell
the shit out of this beer.
You are making a big mistake, cowboy.
Don't think you have seen the last of us.
Oh, I forgot the money.
You should get a pinball machine
that works.
That machine works just fine.
Does it?
Folks, I'm sorry. Finish your meals.
Enjoy. Let's... Come on,
let's have some polka, all right?
- Fuck.
- Hey.
- You know we should have played them.
- I wasn't about to give them that recipe.
- What do you wanna do about Barry?
- We don't need him.
We can get someone else.
What's that?
Local family restaurant...
- That's us.
- ...or disease-infested rat hole?
Expos Colorado has this exclusive
interview with former kitchen workers...
...who will tell a story that will curdle
your strudel.
What the fuck?
We were undocumented aliens smuggled off
in a cargo container to work in the kitchen.
You gotta be kidding me.
It's very common for German restaurants
to use immigrant labor.
It's true, Sandy.
Tell us about the work conditions.
The biggest surprise,
other than the oppressive hours...
...was the unsanitary conditions.
Yeah. Last month my finger was cut off
with the cake mixer.
When my finger fell into the cake batter,
they didn't even stop.
- They just kept making the cupcakes.
- Dear Lord.
And the rats... Just yesterday I opened up
a bottle of Schnitzelgeigerbru...
...and guess what I found?
A rat fetus inside.
- It's true, Sandy.
- Rat fetus?
- Oh, my God.
- Goddamn it!
Now we really gotta kick
those guys' asses.
Absolutely.
Schnitzengiggle Tavern.
No, no. It was totally false.
It was a joke.
Yeah, I understand.
Canceled reservation.
Schnitzengiggle.
No, no, no. No rats. No rats at all.
We've been rat-free since 1976.
I promise...
All right, no problem.
- Another one?
- Yeah.
Schnitzengiggle.
No, I'm very happy
with my long-distance service.
Yes. This is a really bad time. Thanks.
God. Solicitors.
Take this one.
Schnitzengiggle Tavern.
- It's the health board.
- Hang up. Hang up.
- Give me this.
- Put that in the cooler.
Guys...
...l'm really sorry...
...but I gotta quit the team.
- What are you talking about?
I got fired from the lab
due to slipping performance.
So a couple of frogs didn't get
their around-the-world.
No, you don't understand.
I don't know how it happened,
but somehow...
...I cloned a batch of monkey-frogs.
Don't they hand out
Nobel Prizes for that?
Let me see that.
Let me see you little...
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God!
What have you done?
Landfill?
What's wrong?
Krista said she couldn't handle
all the lies and the drinking anymore.
She took the kids and left.
Oh, my God.
You've got kids?
It's okay. It's okay. I'm okay.
I just need some time.
- Maybe a beer.
- Get him a beer.
Thank you.
Did you know he had kids?
Schwarzemaiden to Iron Eagle.
Come in, Iron Eagle.
Iron Eagle, are you there?
Mission accomplished.
Mission accomplished. I got it.
I got it.
Cherry?
Hey. Okay, now.
- Don't be rash, Phillip.
- How did they get to you?
I was in the employ of the von Wolfhausen
family long before I came to this stinkhole.
And now that I have
your precious beer recipe, I can go.
Well, you're gonna have to
get through me first.
What?
Yeah, girlfriend!
Come on!
Yeah!
Feel that pulling you down?
That's the yeast, baby.
It's like quicksand.
Say goodbye.
Love you.
Hey, Landfill, where are you, buddy?
Why don't we have a beer
and talk about it?
Lan...
No!
That's it. We're packing it in.
What, the team?
The team, the beer, the restaurant.
All of it.
- What? No, you're crazy...
- Jan. Let it go.
Our friend is dead.
It's over.
Landfill could eat a ton.
But he could also love a ton.
He had this habit
of swallowing his food whole.
I called him "The Tiger Shark."
I used to joke
that if you cut open his belly...
...you would find a license plate
and a tire and half of an 8-year-old boy.
One time, he farted an entire plum.
I was plumb surprised.
I always told him
to try to chew his food better...
...but he never listened to me.
But that was Landfill.
He was a fat asshole.
But...
...he was my fat asshole.
- Hello.
- Hey, Laurie. How are you?
- God, you're looking good.
- Thanks, Barry.
Wow, what have you been up to?
Me, l...
- Working on bridges. Under bridges.
- Like an architect?
Yeah. Yeah.
- Still in contact with the Silo?
- The Silo.
I'll talk to you later. Bye.
Sorry. Hi.
Good to see you.
- Krista, I'm so sorry.
- Thank you. Thank you for coming.
I appreciate it. Thank you.
- Krista, I can't begin to tell you how sorry...
- You should be ashamed of yourself.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Great Gam Gam.
What are you doing here?
I too came to pay my respects
to a good man.
But unlike you, I am not weeping.
We're not weeping. We're mourning.
Our friend just committed suicide.
- When were you going to tell me?
- Tell you what?
That you are not competing in Beerfest.
- How did you know about that?
- One death.
- We should see if they got crab cakes left.
- Oh, great idea.
Stay put, you.
I want you all to hear the true story...
...of the Baron Ludwig von Wolfhausen,
who fell in love...
...with a beautiful young Bavarian whore.
So you really were a whore?
What do you think this is?
You said you got kicked
in the face by a Clydesdale.
This is the mark of the whore.
It was a simple time, a beautiful time.
You see, the Baron Ludwig
and I were in love.
But we had to keep our love secret...
...because he was married
to a young baroness.
We also had to keep
your grandfather's birth a secret...
...because he was
the baron's first-born son.
Wait, Grandpa was the first-born?
Yes.
But the baroness found out about it,
me and my young Johan...
...and had us tarred and feathered
and run out of town.
You two are the rightful heirs
to the von Wolfhausen brewery.
You should have the balls
to take back what is yours.
Wow, you even talk like a whore.
We are all whores in some way,
Mr. Finkelstein.
She's right.
You boys are a team, und a good one.
If you can't do it for your grandfather
or your country or your dead friend...
...do it for yourselves.
- I'm in.
- Me too.
- Hell, yeah! I'm in.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- I can't do it.
I can't play Pong.
It happened a couple years after college.
I was in Thailand,
playing Ping-Pong in Ding Dang.
I was in a real high-stakes game
in some opium den.
Turned out the guys I was playing
aren't the kind of guys who like to lose.
After I beat them...
...they beat me.
Worked me over pretty good.
And this is hard to say...
...but they held me down...
...and they shoved
a Ping-Pong paddle up my ass.
It's never been the same.
I'm damaged goods.
Gosh, Barry, I'm so sorry.
I don't know what I would do if somebody
shoved a paddle handle up my ass.
Wasn't the handle.
I've been shitting pancakes ever since.
Mr. Badrinath...
...we are not so different, you and I.
I've had all kinds of things
shoved up my ass.
I got over it.
You will too.
You will too.
- So much to digest in there.
- Yeah.
Calgon, take me away.
You guys are my family.
Without you, I got nothing.
Let's do this for Landfill...
...and for Johan...
...and for Great Gam Gam.
One question.
Who we gonna get to replace Landfill?
Now, this is the party
I was hoping to find.
Landfill? You're alive?
No, I'm not Landfill.
I'm Landfill's twin brother, Gil.
- Gil?
- Gil?
I taught Landfill
everything he knew about drinking beer.
I wanna fulfill his legacy
by taking his place on your team.
- You must be Fink.
- How'd you know?
Landfill told me everything about you.
I feel like I know all you guys.
So we won't have that awkward
get-to-know-each-other stage.
- Perfect.
- And if I could just ask one favor.
- Name it.
- lf it wouldn't be too uncomfortable...
...I was hoping maybe you guys
could call me Landfill, in honor of him.
- Yeah, sure, sure.
- Sure.
It'd be like we never lost Landfill.
Landfill...
...it would be an honor
if you would join us.
Cheers.
Oh, my God, he's faster than Landfill.
Oh, my God, what is that, bratwurst?
- He even smells like Landfill.
- God, someone open a window, fast.
Wait!
- I wanna bask in it.
- Yeah, yeah. Just let it be.
Welcome back, Landfill.
Hey, let's go get sour on some Krauts.
Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Come on!
Yeah!
Landfill Two,
you are twice the man Landfill One was.
Well, thank you, little lady.
Yeah!
Are we lost?
The thing about it is, you know,
we were shit-faced when he took us there.
- What?
- Really drunk.
We been training for an entire year,
lost our jobs and our family...
...and you don't know where this is?
- You haven't been training.
- Can it, college boy!
- "College boy"? I thought you...
- Hey, guys. Please, give it a rest.
- You know what? I got an idea.
It might work. I did this study in college:
Finkelstein's Theory on Effects of Alcohol
on the Temporal Lobes.
- English.
- Drunken recall.
I made people drink massive quantities, then
taught things while they were blacked out.
Now, in the morning,
they had no recollection of it.
But when I got them drunk again,
they remembered.
- Bullshit.
- Now you're coming after me?
Cowboy on one side,
Indian on the other. It's the Wild West.
- I got it published.
- Where?
Maxim magazine, under the title
"E Equals MC Hammered."
- All right, let's do this.
- Which one of you two was more wasted?
- He was.
- He was.
All right, okay, I was.
I actually hadn't eaten much that day.
Anything?
Sorry. But I have been training
for a beer-drinking competition.
Drink.
- Sober as a bird.
- All right. Enough fucking around.
Here. Try this.
The password!
- That was great.
- That was last year's password!
Oh, come on.
- That's cheap.
- Shit.
I got an idea.
The pa...!
Silence.
The old Trojan keg.
Very clever for Americans.
- Now get them out of here.
- Hang on, hang on, hang on.
We're here to honor our grandfather,
Johan von Wolfhausen.
The stableboy thief?
No. Your half-brother.
Your older half-brother and rightful heir
to the von Wolfhausen brewery.
Oh, please.
Johan wasn't even Ludwig's
true offspring.
No?
Look at the portrait.
Not a true offspring?
I'd say it looks pretty close to me, eh?
You know the von Wolfhausen brewery
is our brewery.
Even if your silly fairy tale was true,
we have a little saying in Mnchen.
Get the fuck out of here.
- Guards.
- Wait, wait!
We came here to drink some beer.
Are you gonna let us do that, or are you
afraid of getting your asses stomped?
Let them drink!
Yeah! Let them compete!
Let them drink!
Let them drink!
Let them drink!
Let them drink!
Grandpapa, we've crushed them once.
Let us do it again, huh?
Let us humiliate them.
Please, Opy, we can do this.
- We can do it.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Why not? For shits and giggle.
Let them drink!
Beer drinkers...
...welcome to Beerfest.
- Yeah!
- Come on!
You are the privileged few.
We got the Brits in Round One.
We already kicked their asses in WWll.
Cheerio, let's do it again.
Drink well. Drink with honor.
Let the games begin.
Beerfest! Beerfest! Beerfest!
First round is best of five.
U.S.A. versus England.
You're all fur coat
and no trousers, you are.
- I'm sorry. One more time?
- Shove off!
We're gonna put the skitters
in your Alan Whickers, you plonker!
- Do you know what he's saying?
- Volume Chug!
Come on, big boy.
What, are you gonna fucking cry?
That's all you, Landfill. All you.
Come on!
Come on, motherfucker! It's time!
Come on, baby. It's all you, buddy.
Drink it down.
How about this? How about that?
How about:
Now, how do I say this? The Mexican.
Championship round,
Germany versus U.S.A.
All right. This is what we came for,
the Germans!
Yeah, the Germans!
Oh, that's good.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
What's up, Finky?
I got it. Beating the boot.
It's so simple.
It's all about fluid dynamics
and quantum bubblenautics. Follow?
I missed that first part
when he said something.
Pay attention. I'm only doing this once,
okay? Excuse me!
Do me a favor, top me off.
Thank you. Okay.
Now, look. The bubble is essentially
a high-pressure vacuum...
...that grows and grows
until it gets to the heel...
...then it pops and explodes
out of the boot. Okay?
So, what you wanna do
is create a spiral effect...
...by spinning the boot
and making a whirlpool.
When the bubble hits the corner,
gravity will take over...
...and shoot beer down your throats.
So, what you're saying is,
when the bubble comes...
...just turn the boot.
If we find ourselves in a
boot challenge, we can beat these guys.
Way to go, Finky.
All right.
Let's light this Kraut candle.
Yeah!
I'm still peeing! I'm still going!
We're gonna wipe our schwanz on you.
Bring it on, meine bitch.
Championship round is best of seven.
Und jetzt...
...for the ultimate battle!
First up, long-distance krgerbounce.
Distance, 10 meters.
What do you say, Barr?
Watch and learn.
Shaking your butt.
Move the bucket 20 meters.
Twenty meters!
Twenty meters.
You're never gonna make it.
Oh, yeah?
Thirty meters.
Thirty meters.
Okay. Let's see it.
Yeah!
Germany, the winner!
It's okay. It's okay.
Yes!
U.S.A. sucks!
Germany, three.
U.S.A., zero.
If Germany wins, they are the champions!
Hold. Hold on. Wait a minute.
Hold the phones.
Herr Referee...
...there is an American player
who has not competed in any event.
And the rule says every competitor
must compete, otherwise...
...disqualification.
Hold on there, Hansel.
That is the rule.
Your fifth teammate must compete now.
Are you talking about me?
Jan, if we let him play, we're gonna
get slaughtered and it's over, kaput.
You heard the guy.
I'll play with him.
Barry, are you sure?
Sure as schnitzel.
Hey, Barr-zo, I'm proud of you.
Hey, thanks.
Hey, Comrades, how about loser
takes a paddle up the ass?
I like that.
Volley for serve.
You know you have to hit the ball.
What do you think about that, fuckhead?
Yeah, Barry, you got him. He's yours.
What do you think about that, headfuck?
Match point!
Come on, we gotta win this one.
You got nothing. Bring it.
Jiminy.
Come on, Barry.
Wow, what a shot!
Hey, Todd,
sorry about porking your wife, man.
Hey, Barry,
you can pork my wife anytime.
What's the name of the game?
Thumper!
And why do we play it?
To get fucked up!
No! No!
No, I didn't! No, I did this!
No, I didn't! No, I didn't!
Bullshit! I did the...
Look at the scoreboard! Scoreboard!
I'm burying you.
You're not even close, girlie.
Halt!
You're worried now.
You're worried now, aren't you?
Take that. Moment of truth.
Germany, 224.
That's good, that's good.
U.S.A...
...228.
All tied up. Sudden death.
You know what that means.
Das Boot!
Das Boot! Das Boot!
Das Boot! Das Boot! Das Boot!
Hey, guys, this is that moment.
The moment that only exists in sports.
The moment where the good guys
take on the bad guys.
The moment that,
if this was a speech in a movie...
...this would be shown
up on the humongotron...
...to get the home-team fans
fired up, huh? Right?
Us versus them!
We're the bad guys
and they're the good guys.
And I'll be damned
if we're gonna let the good guys win!
Yeah, we're actually the good guys
and they're the bad guys, so...
Right. Let me start that again,
guys, huh?
Hey, guys, this is that moment...
Fellas. Fellas.
I just wanna say
thanks for the greatest year of my life.
All right? And no matter what happens,
win or lose...
...drinking beer with you guys
is just plain old-fashioned fun.
Yeah. Yeah.
Hey, let's do this
for Grandpa Wolfhouse.
And for Landfill.
And Gam Gam?
And America. On three. One, two, three:
Grandpa Wolfhouse, Landfill
and Gam Gam and America!
Go, go, go!
Line Chug. Germany versus U.S.A.
Winner is champion...
...of Beerfest!
Das Boot! Das Boot! Das Boot!
Yeah, you can suck your own dick.
We're gonna take you all the way...
- Cherry?
- Our finest secret agent.
We sent her to keep an eye on you.
Oh, hit that, Grandpapa.
Take what's yours, Grandpapa.
Damn, that's nasty.
Always bet on black. Yeah.
Yeah, always bet on black.
That's a great quote.
Game on. Not a drop can be spilled.
Shake it off.
Hey, fatass, when I dropped
your brother in that vat...
...he squealed like a stuffed pig.
Germany!
Did you hear what she said?
Get out of here. Get out!
No, no. Hey, ump. Do something, ump.
Losers.
See you later, stableboy.
Say hello to the family whore.
U.S.A. sucks! U.S.A. sucks!
U.S.A. sucks!
Double or nothing.
On what, huh?
The von Wolfhausen family recipe.
You win, you get to keep it.
We win, we get your brewery.
Or should I say our brewery?
But we already have the recipe.
I got it off of the nerd's computer.
- You're fucked.
- Yeah, he's fucked.
- That's rich, Baron.
- What's so funny?
I didn't put that recipe on my computer.
However, you are holding the recipe
for a low-carb strawberry beer.
We call it She-Wolf. It's okay.
Strawberry?
No. No. You know how
you like strawberries?
You want me to lose weight,
so that was the low-carb...
Wait a minute, we like strawberry...
Get your damn hands off...
You're trying to see my panties.
Goddamn it, put me down, please!
Where are the Africans?
Can the Africans come help me? Jesus!
So are we gonna play for the recipe...
...or should I just roll it up
and eat it? I'm hungry.
Wait, wait. Wait. Wait!
Put your money where your mouth is.
Us against you. Ten boots.
Five against five.
You couldn't even do one boot.
You can barely stand!
Grandpapa?
Take the bet, you fucking pussy.
Okay. Crush the bastards.
And then I want spectator number one
killed.
Yeah, this is going to be like taking
black walnut candy from the baby.
That's very funny, Deutschbag.
Only thing is:
One, we're not babies, and two...
We're not that drunk.
They're not that drunk. Cheeky bastards.
They're not that drunk!
They're not that drunk!
They're not that drunk!
They're not that drunk!
They're not that drunk!
Five boots? Are you fucking mental?
Trust me, we can do this.
Just spin the boot
when the bubble comes.
Trust me, this will work.
Gentlemen. Ready?
Good luck. You're going to need it.
Das Boot!
Das Boot! Das Boot! Das Boot!
Deutschland, you're floored!
Look, the little one looks like he has
pubic hair all over his head.
It's okay, it works.
Yeah, because you have a dickface.
You son of a bitch!
Yeah.
I accidentally pushed his thingy off.
That's a great one. Dickface.
Fink's got the eye of the Jew.
He's got the eye of the Jew.
Fink's our anchorman.
Come on. Trust me. Trust me.
You just blew it, Friedrich.
Spin it.
Come on.
Spin it.
Spin it.
Drink, Fink. Drink, Fink. Drink, Fink.
Drink, Fink, drink! Drink, Fink, drink!
Drink, Fink, drink!
U.S.A.
U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A.
A little R and R in Amsterdam.
Just what the doctor ordered.
You know, I came to a conference
here once. Hookerthon 2002.
Fantastic seminars.
Sounds fun.
Nothing but the best for the executives
of von Wolfhausen brewery, right?
That's right.
Hey, guys, where are we?
I think the hotel is this way?
You gotta be kidding me.
Hold on. Let me check.
No, I think it's that way.
Hey.
- Holy crap, Willie Nelson.
- What are you doing here?
It's a funny story.
I was invited over here...
...for this big, secret, international,
pot-smoking competition.
My teammates, Cheech and Chong,
chickened out on me.
They wouldn't fly
in my biodiesel airplane...
...and the smoke-out's in 30 minutes
and I don't wanna get disqualified.
Now, you guys don't wanna
be my teammates, do you?
Yeah!
Let's do it. Did you hear one
about the guy that told his son:
"If you don't quit masturbating,
you'll go blind."
He said, "Dad, I'm over here."
Oh, you guys fancy yourselves
drinkers, huh?
Yeah, maybe a little bit.
I think we just won the...
Yeah, I think we just...
Yeah, I think we just...
What the hell is going on? Yeah.
- Bastards.
- I was playing Ping-Pong in Ding Dang.
I was... I saw that.
Turned out, the guys I was playing...
The guys... Okay.
I was playing Ping-Pong in Ding Dang.
I mean, come on. Cut it.
This sweet nectar was my lifeblood.
Oh, yeah, Landfill.
Go for it, my friend.
He's got it going on, this guy.
Are we playing or not?
Time to scheie off the...
Are we playing or not?
Time to scheie on our...
Are we playing or not?
Time to scheie or get off the crap.
Crapper.
Okay, come back in, do it again.
All right.
Everybody's drunk.
And cut it. Cut.
One question. Who are we gonna get...?
Do I know you?
Me? No. No, I don't think so.
Well, you look familiar.
Didn't I pay you a dollar for something?
No, no. Wasn't me, no.
I remember now. I paid you a dollar
to touch your toes...
...and then touch your dick.
Yeah, that could have been me.
Good to see you again.
I wish it were winter. We could make it
into ice blocks and skate on it...
...and then melt it in the springtime
and drink it.
All right, cut it.
Cut.