Beethoven's 3rd (2000) Movie Script
What are you doing? Dad said
I was family videographer.
I'm documenting ourjourney.
We're not going on a journey, Sara.
We're going on a very long drive.
Nuh-uh. Dad said
we're taking a journey.
Does the RV have a power port
for my laptop?
We're on a budget, and the economy
model RV might not even have a toilet,
but I'm sure it has
a cigarette lighter.
Power port, Mom. We don't say
cigarette lighter anymore.
We also don't walk around
with a milk moustache...
no matter how much
it accentuates our booger-nose.
Sorry. I'm too excited
about our trip.
Mom, Dad has been quoted as saying this
is gonna be the funnest vacation ever.
Can we get your reaction?
Driving across country to a
family reunion, cooking, cleaning,
organizing and budgeting
is not fun and not a vacation.
Yet, it's what I do
with my free time.
Oh, no!
Ew!
No, please.
Thank you.
No!
Not my gnomes!
He got the biggest one
they had.
Now, this... is camping!
Dad, it is so cool!
You like it?
Go check it out.
You think that's cool? Wait till your
friends drive by pointing and laughing at you.
Then we'll see how cool
you think it is. Brennan.
Maybe one of them had just told
a joke. Did you consider that?
Yeah. The joke was,
"Look, everybody,
Brennan Newton's going on a
vacation with his family in a bus. "
God, how lame is that?
Even Jessica Donnelly saw me.
Hey, Brenn, your friends are all
probably gonna stay in hotels this summer.
We're gonna sleep beside pristine
lakes in the great outdoors.
And the beauty of it is,
this rig has everything!
So you'll never even know you
left home. That's just it, Dad.
It's home,
but smaller for two weeks.
I don't even wanna go
on this stupid trip anyway.
- I didn't budget for this, Richard.
- I know, I know.
Just look.
Come on. Just look.
I need a new tape.
Okay. Just look.
We can't afford this, Richard.
No way!
Is that a DVD player?
Yep, and a fridge/freezer,
tub/ shower,
blender/food processor,
power ports for Sara's computer,
and check this out.
Instant hydraulic
emergency brake.
You touch that baby, and this coach comes
to a total standstill in half a second.
And what, we go sailing
through the front window?
Spring action shoulder strap
seat belts, honey.
It doesn't get any safer.
Oh.
You don't have to worry about
scrubbing it top to bottom.
It's brand new.
We're the first renters.
Very, very funny.
How much?
Oh, uh, I don't know. I'd have
to look at the rental agreement,
but just think how much
we'll be saving...
in restaurants, hotels,
room service, room service tips.
Exactly how much is this dream
house on wheels costing us?
Oh, Richard, that's twice
what we planned to spend.
A little more, actually,
with insurance.
Oh, right.
Beth, I'm sorry.
I couldn't help myself.
I wanna relive one of the great
experiences of my childhood with my family.
Uh, well, speaking of family, your
brother George called from Europe.
Huh! Let me guess. He said they're
not gonna make it to the reunion.
No, they're gonna make it, but they wanted
us to bring something there for them.
It's gonna be delivered
this morning. What?
I couldn't hear what it was. It was a
cell phone. You know, bad connection.
Huh. Hey, you see there? The extra storage
capacity is already saving us headaches.
You're pushing it, Richard.
Hi. Yeah, uh,
we would like to purchase...
a DVD copy of The Shakiest
Gun in the West, please.
Are you familiar
with that title?
1967, written by James Fritzell
and Everett Greenbaum.
Genre: comedy/western.
Directed by Alan Rafkin.
Starring Pat Morita as Wong,
Jackie Coogan as Basch, Barbara
Rhodes as Penelope Cushings...
and, of course, Don Knotts
as Jesse W. Heywood.
That
Shakiest Gun in the West?
Yes, that's the one.
One copy, please.
We're sold out.
Excuse me.
That's nasty.
This is way out of control.
It's too complicated.
I said let's steal the operating system
and deliver it in person, but you said no.
Let's put it on a DVD
that nobody ever buys,
stick it in a video store
and deliver it that way.
And?
And...
somebody bought the DVD
that nobody was supposed to buy.
Oh, God,
we're in so much trouble.
Okay. We already spent the money
that we got from Mr. You Know Who.
Oh, my God. Do you know
what Mr. You Know Who...
is going to do to us when he fnds out
that somebody else has the you know what?
No, what?
I'm kidding.
I'm a joker. We are dead if
we don't get that DVD back!
Okay, William,
calm yourself.
Observe the master.
Hello, there, Quentin.
I'm wondering,
how long to order a copy of
The Shakiest Gun in the West?
That would be about
six to eight weeks.
Oh, that's bad.
Maybe we can order a copy from
the guy who ordered it from you.
Yes, may we have his name,
address and telephone number?
Dude, what do I got, like Federal felony
written across my forehead or something?
Could you, perhaps,
see if you have another copy?
We don't.
Could you check, please?
C- C-C...
Okay, man. Whatever.
Just cool your jets.
What? Tommy, what are you doing?
That is completely illegal.
I'm an idiot.
Yes, yes you are, but fortunately
for both of us, I am a genius.
Begin the countdown.
Ten, nine...
Richard Newton, 1715 Hauser
Street. Blast off, baby.
You hacked their system
in two seconds.
That is a new record.
I don't believe it.
That is why you fail.
Stupid you are.
I hope you have a nice summer.
I didn't know Jessica Donnelly
was your girlfriend.
Well, she was gonna be
before this whole stupid trip.
But now she won't ever be.
Hey, are you fIming me?
- Dad said I gotta document everything.
- Give me that!
- No!
- Give me the camera, Sara!
No! I got to document
everything!
Come on! Give it! Brennan,
stop terrorizing your sister.
- Tell her to give me the tape.
- When she gets big, she's gonna kick his butt.
Give me the camera, Sara! Hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey, you guys.
Mom, she was... You guys. No,
Sara's just doing her job, okay?
And nobody's gonna go running into the RV,
making a mess of everything I just loaded.
Now, organization is the key
to happiness on this trip, okay?
But, Mom, she was... Brennan, this
trip is really important to your father,
so could you just
try and act excited?
Fine.
So, Brennan, Dad said this is
gonna be the funnest vacation ever.
Can we get your reaction?
I'm gonna tell you did that.
- Boat's hooked up.
I'm gonna tell you did that.
- Boat's hooked up.
- House is locked up.
- Give me that!
- Oh, oh, oh, oh.
- Let's hit the road, Newtons.
- You two!
- Wait. Wait. I almost forgot.
What's that?
On my motor home vacation,
my dad did this for us.
It made us feel
like a real team,
and, well, I want you
to feel the same way.
Great. That's great.
Okay. Okay!
Everybody turn around.
Turn around.
Turn around.
What do you think?
Cool, huh?
This is so lame.
Okay. Oh, wait.
There's more.
What do you got, Dad?
One of the best things
about my motor home vacation...
was when we stopped
at a drive-in.
We sat on the roof of the RV
in our pajamas,
ate popcorn and watched
The Shakiest Gun in the West.
Who's Don Knotts?
Don Knotts?
Thanks, Mr. Newton.
What is it?
You don't know.
- No.
- Good luck!
Ooh, Sara,
it's gonna bite you.
Dad.
What did I agree
to bring with us?
Uh, Brennan, open it.
Why me? Because you're
a trained Boy Scout.
You're prepared,
and you're closer.
No, I'm not.
Just do it. Open it.
What?
What, are you chicken?
He's huge!
Don't slobber on me! Don't!
Get him away! Get him away!
Get him, Brennan! Get him!
- Honey! Honey!
- Did you see the size of that dog?
Oh!
Oh!
I'm okay. I'm all right.
- Daddy!
- Richard!
It's not my fault.
Beethoven, come here, boy.
Oh, my God!
Oh!
Do you see anything? No! They
must have been tipped off.
Tipped off!
Are you sure?
Hmm, on this particular day, they
go to that particular video store...
and get that particular copy of that particular
movie that no one else has ever rented.
Look, switch to decaf,
okay, babe? Open your eyes.
These people are
professionals. Professionals.
These people are
professionals. Professionals.
When my dad took me on my motor home
vacation, we had a dog with us... Spartacus.
It was great!
Spartacus was a Chihuahua.
That sheds a trash bag
full of hair every day.
This is one part of your boyhood trip
you're just not gonna get to relive. No way.
Okay. Vote, then.
All in favor of bringing
Beethoven with us, raise your hand.
All opposed?
A tie.
Okay, let's flip for it.
No, we won't.
The dog is not going.
Look,
he's already caused us $ 200
worth of damage in the RV.
No. And we're gonna have to feed him.
You know I'm gonna end up
cleaning up after him.
Richard, we're gonna take him
to a kennel,
and then George and Alice can
have him shipped from there, okay?
Okay. All right.
I understand.
You wouldn't put Ryce, Ted
or Emily in a kennel.
And Beethoven's our cousin too.
How are we gonna get that DVD from
them, huh? By any means necessary.
You know what?
I think Sara is right.
The only decent thing to do here is
let Beethoven take my place on the trip.
I mean, I guess
I'll have to stay home.
Nice try, Brennan. Come on.
We're all hitting the road.
What about that dog? That's
gotta be a trained killer.
Veterinarian animal
tranquilizer.
Any more stupid questions?
Tommy, this looks complicated.
Now, you are sure
that you know how to use it.
Excuse me. Which one of us
is the stupid one?
Me? Sorry. Yes. That would be you.
Item number one:
When we get into the hou...
They see us!
Move!
Out of my way!
Let's go, Newtons. Come on.
We're leaving now. Come on. We're
gonna hit the road. Let's go.
They're on the road.
What?
I felt a great disturbance
in the force,
as if seven gnomes cried out
at once and were silenced.
Let's roll.
Hurry up! Hurry up! They're
in front. I see them.
Okay. Stay behind them.
They're right in front.
Don't lose them, or we're
dead. Okay. Losing, death, bad.
He'll be okay, honey.
Dogs check in, but they don't
check out. Shut up, Brennan.
You know, we could drive
right by your school.
Sorry, sorry, Dad.
Bye, Beethoven.
Let's take 'em.
Okay.
Come here, boy.
Come here, boy.
Come here. Hey!
Come back here!
Hold this!
Oh, with the hurting!
Oh, that's not good.
Whoa! Good doggie!
Good doggie.
Good doggie, good doggie.
That dog trashed the car.
Just don't tell my mom.
It's covered in cement.
Don't tell her.
She's gonna know.
- What the heck was that?
- Probably somebody's vintage gnome collection...
that they'd painstakingly put together
for the last ten years of their life.
I said I was sorry.
It was probably a dog someone didn't want
on their vacation, and Dad just ran him over.
Shut up, Brennan.
Sweetheart,
Beethoven will be just fne,
even though your mommy made him
stay in that terrible place.
Oh, thanks a lot, Richard.
You're welcome, honey. Okay,
who wants to sing road songs?
No? Okay.
Honey, why don't you show your mom
that great trip route we programmed?
You mean that one
That's enough, Brennan.
If we make the schedule, we should be able
to hit Black Bart's Village by Thursday.
You're gonna love that.
Richard, you planned this entire
trip practically to the minute.
You have a map for every inch
of highway we're gonna travel...
and a schedule of stops
and attractions.
Okay, I'm impressed.
This is great.
Yep.
Brenn, what are you doing?
I'm gonna watch that movie. I can't
believe I'm gonna watch it, but I'm gonna.
Two hours into the trip,
and you're already bored?
It's not my fault, Dad.
I can get anywhere I want in the world
with just a few keystrokes, but I'm not.
I'm watching it crawl by
through the window of a bus.
It wasn't that different
when I was a kid.
We didn't have computers, but we had
clubhouses. We used to build clubhouses.
- What's a clubhouse, Dad?
- Never mind. Just watch the movie, Brennan.
- Dad, this disc is a reject.
- What?
Oh, that was supposed to be one
of the highlights of the trip.
He'll come around.
Just give him time.
Richard, what was that?
Mmm, just a branch.
Oh, yeah!
It's beautiful.
And they sure keep it clean.
Okay, Newtons. Let's get the boat
unhitched and start having some fun!
Okay.
Man!
I don't remember this thing
being this heavy.
- Brennan, come here and give me a hand.
- Doing fne, Dad.
Beethoven, come here!
Richard!
I'm okay. I'm all right.
I'm okay. I'm all right.
No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
No!
Dad, Beethoven saved you.
He's a hero.
Sara, I was in three feet
of water.
Okay. I'm calm now
and clean.
You did this on purpose,
didn't you?
What? Let the towing hitch
hit me in the hmm-hmm?
Threw myself in the lake
and sunk the boat?
No, you snuck Beethoven in the
boat and you towed him here with us.
You did, Dad? Thanks!
Ah, you're welcome sweetheart.
No!
Wait a minute.
I didn't do that.
Look, Beethoven obviously
got away from the kennel,
Jumped in the boat
and hitched a ride here.
Pretty smart dog.
He's an untrained, drooling
hair ball. Beethoven, sit.
See? Now what
are we gonna do with him?
Set him free.
He'll be fne in the wild.
- He's as big as a bear.
- Dad, no!
Dad! Don't worry. There
are no bears here, Brennan.
I don't see any other choice.
We have to take him with us.
- Oh, joy.
- All right.
The minute Beethoven causes me extra
work, he's walking to California.
That's fair.
That's very reasonable.
So what happened
to the boat?
Uh, it's...
They took it away.
He completely totalled it?
No...
but enough.
Look, it wasn't really
all his fault.
Sara, let's take the dog for a walk.
He was in the boat for a long time.
Come on, Beethoven.
Brennan, come with us.
How much did you get
for it? What? The boat?
No, the shards of fberglass
that we used to call the boat.
I had to pay them
to take it away.
Oh. Mm-hmm. Oh.
Okay. That's great.
No, I'm gonna walk him.
What are you doing?
I'm adding up everything
that Beethoven's cost us...
so I know how much to charge George and
Alice when we get to the family reunion.
Beethoven!
Sara, I wouldn't let him
chase that thing.
Beethoven, stop!
Brennan!
That's gonna stink!
Ooh!
Sir, we've had some complaints
about your dog.
I'm sorry. He's a house dog.
He doesn't get out much.
Really? Well, look,
it's against park regulations...
to allow fraternization between the
domestic animals and the wildlife.
And from the smell of your dog,
he's been fraternizing. Really?
Yeah, just keep him confined
to the campgrounds,
and, please, get him cleaned up;
he reeks.
How do I get rid
of the smell?
Well, there's only one way
I know for certain.
Uh-huh?
Tomato sauce.
Any particular kind
of tomato sauce?
Something with basil
would be nice.
No, no, no!
Beethoven!
Oh, no! Stop! Stop!
Go throw him in the lake!
Watch the coffee, dude!
Ice coffee.
Oh, I told you
they'd never get away from me.
Do you remember how they used to
laugh at me in school, William?
All the time. Especially the time when you
were in gym class, and you peed your pants...
I'm-I'm just an idiot.
Well, who's laughing now,
William?
I don't know. Who?
Okay. Here's the plan.
We wait until night. Then we
waltz in under cover of darkness.
Yes, and when the family
is asleep,
we grab the DVD
and make a stealthy retreat.
That's a good plan. I know it's a
good plan, because I made up the plan.
You don't have to explain...
What?
It's brain freeze!
Half a cup next time, dude.
Okay, Beethoven. Including
the tomato sauce, the mop...
and the boat, so far
you've cost us $ 2,754.
You're enjoying this, aren't
you? So you got any money?
Do you have a job?
That's what I thought.
Mom, listen to this. I found
a great St. Bernard web site.
The St. Bernard dog is named after the
St. Bernard Pass high in the Swiss Alps.
The most famous St. Bernard
was named Barry,
and he saved the lives
of 41 people.
Wow.
The last person he saved was a
little boy trapped on an icy ledge.
Barry carried the boy back
to the monks at the hospice,
20 miles through the deep snow.
Oh, my gosh!
Mom, look!
He looks just like Beethoven.
He does.
Let's see. Now where...
There he is,
right where he landed.
Just one tooth.
Okay, time for bed.
Come on. Are you sure Beethoven
is gonna be okay outside?
Honey, didn't you tell me he was
built to live in the mountains?
- But what if he gets lonely?
- He won't get lonely, honey.
Good night, sweetheart.
- Mom?
- What, honey?
Why do you hate Beethoven
so much?
Oh, honey,
I don't hate Beethoven.
I, I just haven't had a chance
to get to know him yet.
Maybe by the end of the trip.
- Promise?
- I, I promise.
Good night.
Wow, we got to put this
on the itinerary.
A life-size peanut butter
sculpture of Abraham Lincoln.
Beth?
I used to be a nice person.
You're still a nice person.
I don't feel like I am.
Remember the summer
after we got married?
- Mm-hmm.
- You and me and the motorcycle.
That seems so long ago.
Honey, it wasn't that long ago.
I used to be
an adventurous person.
I think you need to get back in
touch with that side of yourself.
What side?
The not worry, adventurous,
messy side.
I can be messy.
Well, what do you call that
tomato sauce bath I had today?
A good start.
Good night, Beethoven.
Shh! Shh! Shh!
Shh! Shh! Okay, okay.
Hey, hey. Remember. These things
are 250 times more sensitive...
than the human eye,
so do not look into any lights.
Okay, no lights.
All right. Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.
Why are we wearing these capes?
They are cloaks, William, and
with them we become invisible,
blending into our surroundings
like moon shadows between the trees.
Lock it up.
Come on.
Tommy, Tommy, Tommy. Why are
we wearing the canisters, again?
Emergency smoke screens.
Okay.
Listen. These things are highly
pressurized and highly odoriferous.
Only use them in an emergency.
No, don't touch it.
Repeat after me.
I will hold in my gas, Tommy.
I will hold in my gas, Tommy.
Good.
Follow me. Single fle.
Tommy.
There's only two of us.
Are you arguing with me,
mister? No! Single fle.
Okay. Shh! Be quiet!
I am being quiet!
Shut up!
Hold still!
Hold still! Up!
Up! Up! Push!
- What do you see?
- Two kids sleeping.
The disc, Bill.
Where is the disc?
I see it! I see it!
It's right there!
Oh, that is really cool, Tommy.
Where did you get that?
You're on a need-to-know basis, and
I don't believe you need to know.
Tommy! That big dog!
I, I, I...
- I gotta go tinkle.
- Control yourself.
You don't need to destroy us.
Your powers are weak, old dog.
You are the good puppy.
Yes, you are the good puppy.
We love the puppy.
- Here they go again.
Will you shut your dog up?
You over there!
By the camper!
The lights! Don't look
at the light, William!
Abort!
Activate smoke screen!
Release your gas, William!
Tree! Oh, where's the car?
Can't see!
I see it! Let's go!
Okay! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Don't worry! Oh!
Get in! Get in!
- Let's go! Go!
- Shut up! You're waking up the whole campgrounds!
You're going the wrong way!
No, I'm not. Shut up!
Okay, watch out for the lake!
- We're very sorry, Offcer.
- That's, uh, Ranger.
Offcer Ranger
It won't happen again, Offcer.
Ranger.
Offcer Ranger.
If it happens again, I'm gonna have to
escort you and your dog off the grounds.
He's not our dog.
If it's not your dog, I'm gonna
have to impound the stray right now.
What my son means is,
is it's not our dog...
in the sense that you can't
really truly own an animal.
We're all God's creatures.
Well, look,
Just keep your dog quiet.
Yes, Offcer Ranger.
Sorry about that, fellow
campers. Situation under control.
Good night.
Come on, come on, come on.
- I don't believe it.
He is one of God's dumber
creatures. He's not dumb.
He saw something. That's why
he howled. He was warning us.
- What are you talking about?
- Two men.
I saw them drive away, and I recognized
them from across the street at our house.
And they were following us.
It's official. She's dreaming.
- I'm serious.
- Maybe he's just lonely.
He is out here
all by himself.
Let's go in.
No, no, no, no. Beethoven's staying
outside tonight, and so are you.
- What?
- Honey, if he barks again, they'll make us leave.
- You have to.
- Oh, come on!
Sweet dreams, sweetheart.
Beth! Beth!
Hey, keep it down!
- Here you go, Dad.
- Thanks, sweetheart.
It's for Beethoven, Dad.
Beethoven, you're the best dog
anyone could ever ask for.
You are the strongest
and bravest dog that ever lived.
Golly, Beethoven,
you're my best friend.
Best friend.
It's a free-range wienie,
boy! Go get it!
Go away!
No! No! Bad!
No, no, no!
Nice doggie!
Help!
Help!
Stay away, doggie!
Excuse me.
Where is all the cereal?
Beethoven was hungry,
so I fed it to him.
All ten boxes? He's a big dog,
Brennan, in case you didn't notice.
Okay, okay.
Stop arguing.
We'll make a dog food stop.
Hey, Brenn,
I found your hat.
It was behind the sofa. Now,
how did it get behind there?
- Alarmed. Oh, ho, ho. They're good.
- God!
Hey, why don't you and I
get some coffee over there?
Let them do the shopping.
Okay.
Um, all right, Brennan.
Be sure to get a receipt, and get
enough dog food to get us to California.
Okay?
Right.
Watch after your sister, now.
Hey!
Thanks, Dad.
Okay, kid has the keys.
I will pick his pocket,
deactivate the RV alarm
and grab the disc.
What about that dog? That
stupid dog is still there, Tommy.
It's big doggie
night-night time.
Ha! Oh! I thought I told
you to check for fsh.
I did. I swear.
This has got to be the last one.
Stay here.
I wonder if they have
those doggie power bars here.
Here, you just go get the stuff.
I'm gonna wait out here.
But Dad told you to do it.
Sara, you're old enough.
I think you can handle it.
Yes, I can.
I know this isn't how you
thought the trip would go so far.
It's not how I thought
it would go either.
I just want to say I'm sorry.
Oh, Richard,
it hasn't been that bad.
Okay, it's been bad, but it's
the dog's fault, not yours.
You know, I still think there's
plenty of laughs to be had...
on this vacation if we just
forget about Beethoven.
That's right!
That's it!
That's exactly what we'll do.
We'll forget about Beethoven. Yeah.
Excuse me.
You like Hello Kitty?
Um...
So, Ensign?
Is that your name?
A- Actually, it's Brennan.
Brennan Newton.
- Hi.
- It wasn't mine. It was my little sister's.
I mean, it was
for my little sister's friend.
He's much more entertaining
than Spartacus was on a vacation.
Then again, maybe not.
Haven't I seen you before?
Uh, yeah, I think
we saw each other on the road.
Beethoven!
Dumb dog!
God.
Brennan, are you all right?
That... Uh, I'm fne!
Wait a minute!
What happened? Beethoven just
jumped all over me for no reason!
God, he's messing up
my life!
That's good, honey.
We got to go now.
Mister, is that your dog?
How much?
I'll add it up.
Man's best friend.
Sorry, boy.
Boss' orders.
What's Sumotown?
I don't know. It was Black Bart's
Old-Time Western Town when I was a kid.
- Hi.
- Welcome to Sumotown How many?
Uh, two adults and two kids.
Hey, what happened
to the old-time Western town?
Eh, bankrupt.
We bought it in the early 90s.
Hasn't exactly been a cash cow,
we thought. We're selling off.
You wanna make an offer?
Oh, oh, no, thanks.
We're just gonna catch
the showdown on Main Street.
Hey, there still is
a Main Street showdown, right?
Heck yeah, partner.
Right down there.
What?
It's Black Bart. See the hat?
Can see a lot more than that.
He's gained a few pounds.
Shh.
Boy, this really takes me back.
To where, Dad?
Dad, why is he looking at me?
Black Bart says,
"What did you call me, boy?"
Is he serious?
I didn't say anything?
Well, I think you did, partner.
I think you called him a liar.
Mmm.
Black Bart says...
you are a yellow belly,
lowdown,
gutless,
tenderfoot coward dog.
Are you gonna take that?
Yeah, I am, Dad.
I'm not gonna do that.
No, I'm not gonna...
No! Dad! Dad!
It's only acting, Brennan!
Come on! Come on!
Go, Brennan! Go!
Oh, it's okay, honey.
Honey, they're not hurting him.
Brennan! Brennan!
Brennan!
Brennan! Brennan! Brennan!
No! No!
Don't swing me! No!
I'm gonna get sick!
Yeah!
That a boy! Sumo warrior man!
Tommy,
tell me the truth.
Does this suit
make me look fat?
Whoa!
Listen to me.
Daddy Newton has the key.
We're gonna sandwich him
between our sumo bellies,
and when I'm going, "Sorry, excuse
me," and he's going, "That's okay,"
you pick his pocket,
and you take the key.
What about that stupid dog?
Tommy, I had another
nightmare about him last night.
You are wearing a high-density
foam, fully-naked sumo suit.
You are immune to dogs.
Okay. Blend.
Hey, hey, what's the matter,
pal? What's the matter?
I can't believe you just did that to
me. I've never been this embarrassed.
They were laughing.
They loved it.
They were laughing at me, Dad.
I just thought you'd enjoy doing
something I did when I was a kid.
Dad, this place was lame 30 years
ago, and it's even worse now.
Did you like it
when you were a kid?
Yes.
Yes, of course.
D...
Stop, you idiot.
I'm sorry, Dad,
but this, this whole trip...
has been nothing but Boresville,
and it hasn't even been a week yet.
Thank you.
- Beethoven, no! Stop!
- Beethoven, sit!
Beethoven!
You call that boring?
Beethoven, stay!
What happened? Oh, strangely,
Beethoven ran away again.
Get in! Get in!
I told you we should
have taken your mom's minivan!
Good job.
Come on, Beethoven.
So what did Black Bart say?
I don't know.
He took my check, though. Those
barrels are apparently antique.
It was those guys again.
Here we go again.
The bad guys are following us.
Shut up, Brennan. Brennan,
be nice to your sister.
Sweetheart, remember when you thought that
blanket in the closet was a grizzly bear...
or when you thought the neighbors
were stealing your pajamas?
What's your point, Mom? Honey,
those bandidos werejust actors.
How come no one believes me?
No one
except for you, Beethoven.
Beethoven!
Hey, that's my pack!
- Is that your dog?
- Yeah, sorry.
Actually, he's mine.
Oh, hi, again.
Hi.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I wish we could have brought
our dog on our trip,
but he had to stay in a kennel
till we got back.
A kennel?
That's tough.
I think putting a dog
in a kennel is just... cruel.
That's what I told my parents.
So, I'm Brennan.
I know.
We met before.
Oh, right.
Um, sorry.
It's okay. We kind of
got interrupted before.
Um, I'm Penny.
So where you guys headed?
Some family reunion
in California.
I got another week and a half
stuck in that RV with my family.
Tell me about it. This has been
our most boring vacation ever.
- The worst.
- My dad is on some mission to give us a killer vacation.
I know. My dad's gone
totally insane over this trip.
My whole summer's gone...
wasted.
And by the time I get back, it's
gonna be time for school again.
Yeah, same here.
Well, I'm down there.
Bye.
Bye.
- Good night.
- Good night.
So ask her
for her phone number.
Shut up, Sara.
That's a good idea. Here.
I was gonna ask, you know.
Um, here's my itinerary too.
Maybe we'll stay at the
same place again. Maybe.
Okay.
Bye.
Bye.
Good night.
Bye.
Bye. Let me hold him.
Why? You don't like him.
What are you talking about?
I love dogs.
Especially St. Bernards.
Whatever.
# On the road again #
# Just can't wait
to get on the road again #
# I found love is making music
with my friends #
# And I can't wait
to get on the road again #
# On the road again #
# Goin'places
that I've never been #
# Seein'things
that I may never see again #
# And I can't wait
to get on the road again #
# On the road again #
# Like a band of Gypsies
we go down the highway #
# We're the best of friends #
# Insisting that the world keep turning
our way # No, Beethoven. Don't do that!
Just get him away.
# And our way #
# Is on the road again #
# I just can't wait
to get on the road again #
# And I found love is making
music with my friends #
# And I can't wait
to get on the road again #
Oh! Oh!
You fed him what?
Oh, look at this!
He burned a hole in the couch.
Who fed him eggs?
# On the road again #
Beethoven! # Like a band of
Gypsies we go down the highway #
# We're the best of friends #
- # Insisting that the world keep turning our way #
- Beethoven!
# And our way
is on the road again #
# I just can't wait
to get on the road again #
# And I found love is making
music with my friends #
# And I can't wait
to get on the road again #
# No, I can't wait
to get on the road again #
# Oh, I can't wait
to get on the road again ##
Oh!
It's totally clogged
with dog hair!
We have to fnd the main
Junction sewage control.
That's the only way we're gonna
dump the waste water now.
- Can I just say one thing?
- Yes, you can.
And you know what you can say?
You can say,
"I will not open my big fat mouth,
Tommy, until we fnd the DVD!"
Tommy, listen, we have been following
those Newtons for a very long time now.
Duh, whiney pants.
You think I don't know that?
Well, I don't know what you know,
'cause you said it was gonna be so easy.
So help me God, if you don't
shut up, I will make you eat sand.
What are we doing?
We are having a problem.
Yeah, yeah, I know that! It's been like
a week, and we don't have the DVD yet!
I will make you eat sand!
We're having tire trouble!
We're not having tire trouble.
The tires are perfectly fne.
You just pulled over
and jacked up the car why?
You popped two tires,
and we only have one spare.
Lord, you gave him brains,
but he does not think.
You gave him a mouth
which he never shuts up!
Listen to me,
you brussels sprout.
With two slashed tires,
it's twice as likely...
that the Newtons will
pull over to help us.
So, we will
wave them down,
ask them to take us
to the nearest gas station,
and while we are on board the RV we will
take the disc without anyone knowing.
Blast off!
What? What, what?
Your plan is brilliant, Tommy. I'm,
I'm, I'm sorry that I doubted you.
Oh, it's okay. I know.
It's just I need coffee.
You know, Dad, I was thinking it might
be fun to stay at a hotel for a night.
No way.
They don't let in pets.
The RV's a hotel on wheels.
I don't know, Dad.
I just thought it might be fun.
And I found this really
fun-looking place.
A four-star hotel.
Doesn't that sound great?
No. They don't
let in pets.
- Ohhh.
- Begin the countdown.
Ten! Nine!
Wave your arms.
Wave your arms.
Eight!
What's this sudden
interest in hotels?
Down, boy!
Get him off the brake!
The brake!
Sara, honey, you can't let Beethoven do
things like that. It's very dangerous.
Oh, here it is.
- Here's what?
- The main sewage control valve.
Oh, boy,
I'm glad I found that.
When we get to the next campground,
remind me to dump the tanks...
or it's gonna get
really stinky in here.
It's number two!
Sara, how far
to the next stop?
Only about ten miles, Dad.
Oh, you're gonna love this,
Brenn. This place is rad.
Rad? It's the biggest
toy train in the world.
Boy, I loved it
when I was a kid.
Wow, Dad.
I can't wait.
This is so lame.
Let's go, Beethoven.
The kids are really
getting attached to Beethoven.
I think they like him better than they
like me. Nah, I'm just being insecure.
Not necessarily. Thanks,
honey. I feel better now.
You know, Richard, I think that dog is
consciously trying to sabotage our trip.
Beth, he's just a dog.
Honey, he can't
consciously ruin anything...
I don't think.
Nah, that's crazy.
What would his motive be?
Revenge,
for the kennel thing.
You know, one thing about him
does bother me, though. Hallelujah.
How do you think Brennan
and Sara are gonna take it...
when we have to give Beethoven
back to my brother?
That's gonna be a tough one. Yeah.
This is smaller
than I remember.
Whoa!
Yes. Bill. Bill!
Tommy!
What happened?
Tommy, come here.
It is so nice in here.
Beethoven, stop!
Hey! Beethoven!
It has a coffee maker! When we
get rich, can we get one of these?
Yeah, uh-huh. Look, do you have any idea how
easy it is for cops to track down an RV this size?
They will swoop down on you
in a hot second,
and the next thing you know, you're spending
15 to 20 years as the restroom attendant...
at a one-star Federal lockdown facility
cleaning unflushed toilets with a toothbrush.
Club-Fed I think not.
I never thought of that.
Well, thinking is not what
you do best, William. No.
Fetch the DVD.
Yes.
Oh. Oops.
I- I'm not having much luck.
Oh, who told you we'd
find it? Yes! You did.
You da man!
Yes, I am da man!
Let us vacate.
Tommy! He looks
even bigger up close.
Yes, he does, William.
Why didn't you close that door?
You were the last one in.
Here's an idea... run!
Let me out of here!
Oh, God, let me out!
Tommy!
Hey! Out of the way!
Tommy!
Wait!
No!
Tommy, wait!
Oh, thanks!
Now what are we gonna
do? It's-It's not so bad.
The windshield
is broken. Richard.
Not your side.
I don't know what I'm so worried
about. You got insurance on the RV.
We're covered. We're motoring
along. It's still a vacation.
Good, honey.
That's a good attitude.
No, it's not. It's a lie.
This is a disaster.
This whole trip has become a
catastrophe because of that dog!
He didn't mean it, Mom.
Yes, he did!
Mom, Dad, you know that
hotel I was mentioning?
It's pretty close by.
We are not staying
in a hotel.
I didn't stay in a hotel on my childhood motor
home trip, and we ain't staying in one now.
We're fine right here in our
home on wheels! Everyone got that?
Whoa.
I think Beethoven has to go.
- Honey, you agree?
- No, I mean number one.
- Stop the RV.
- Oh, no, not ag...
Heimlich! Heimlich!
Make sure Beethoven goes good, 'cause we're
not stopping again until we get to California!
All I wanted to do is give
my family a great vacation.
It's been one disaster
after another.
This is even worse than the motor
home vacation I had as a kid.
- What?
- I thought you loved that trip.
I hated it.
Well, then why do you keep
telling us how much you loved it?
Because I wanted
to remember it that way.
I wanted to forget
how bad it really was.
And the truth is...
it was horrible.
My brother and I fought
the whole 2,000 miles.
And Spartacus, our dog,
was car sick.
Can you believe that?
A car sick dog.
It was horrible.
My mother...
My mother kept telling us how much fun we
were having, but we weren't having any fun.
My dad drove himself crazy
trying to make sure we had fun.
It's okay, Daddy.
We know how you feel.
Yeah, Dad.
We know exactly how you feel.
Oh, shut up!
- Ow!
- Honey!
I'm okay.
I'm all right.
At least we're out
of the bug zone, honey.
That's it. We're taking
a night off from this vacation.
We're staying in a hotel.
Yes!
The dog has eaten up
all our reserve cash.
We can't afford
to stay in a hotel.
Beth, we can't afford not
to stay in a hotel tonight.
I'll take these inside,
and I'll be back for the others.
We have adjoining rooms
available.
However, we do not allow
animals in the rooms.
Hotel policy. If I made an
exception, I could get fred.
Is this really
that great a job?
Dad, Beethoven
has to be able to stay too.
He wouldn't even need a
bed. He's the quiet type.
So how does it look?
I can't fnd her.
Who?
What?
Who can't you fnd,
honey?
The gift shop. The gift shop. Oh.
I just thought
I'd get something...
for Aunt Alice and Uncle George
from the gift shop.
Uh, keep me company,
Beethoven.
- Please.
- Policy.
Sara, honey, Beethoven's Just gonna
have to spend the night in the RV, okay?
Honey, stand up.
Stand up.
Come on, boy. Let's see how good
you are. Find her, boy! Find her!
Beethoven,
your nose is a genius.
Come on, boy.
Are you sure Beethoven's gonna
be okay in the RV all alone?
We gave him his dinner.
He's been walked.
He has water. He's got
his own bachelor apartment.
Honey, he'll be fine.
Now, Mommy and I are
gonna go to sleep early.
So just stay
in the room, okay?
Can we stay up late,
watch movies and eat junk?
Sure. Just stay
in the room.
Okay?
Yeah, Dad, I got it.
Okay.
Good night, guys.
Good night, Dad.
Good night, Dad.
Good night, Beethoven.
Penny Miller's room,
please. Thank you.
- Who?
- Shhh.
Mrs. Penny Mill...
I mean...
Uh, yes, Mrs. Penny Miller,
this is, um, the front desk,
and we think you may have left some
personal items at the pool today.
Um, would you come down
and claim them, please?
- Ooh-ooh.
- Um, tomorrow morning?
Uh, yes, I suppose that
would work out fne. Thank you.
What happened to "Hi, it's
Brennan. We met at the campground"?
Um...
you're too young
to understand these things.
- Are you gonna go meet her?
- Tomorrow, I guess.
Fine.
- See ya.
- What are you doing?
Didn't you hear
what Dad said?
What do you think
you're doing?
I'm gonna sleep with Beethoven
so he won't get lonely.
Mom and Dad
are gonna be really mad.
Only if they fnd out, which they
won't because you won't tell on me.
Because if you do, I'll tell
them about you and Penny. Deal?
Deal.
He's hyper-normal. He's canine,
but he's some kind of hybrid.
He's some kind of mutant,
you know? He's some kind of...
That's it!
I'm-I'm awake, huh?
G.S.A.!
Governmental Species Alteration.
They take alien brain tissue, and they
put it into ordinary household pets.
That dog is an alien! He's
canine, but he's not canine.
He's alien,
but he's not alien.
He's superintelligence in one
giant, dumb-looking package.
This is clever stuff,
William!
Dude, man, are you okay?
I'm all right. I'm all right.
And-And do you know why?
Because I just hacked into the
country's main credit card network...
and I asked for the last place where
Richard Newton used his credit card!
That's why I'm all right.
"Early-On-Inn, Early-On-Inn. "
We're going to trank the disc
and grab the dog.
No, no!
That would be wrong.
We're going to trank the dog
and grab the disc.
Yes, 'cause that's how it goes,
and that's how it always goes.
Then, go! I'm ready!
Drive! Drive!
Beethoven,
I missed you so much.
Come on, Beethoven.
Here we are.
Oh, thank you.
Personal items, huh? I
thought it was you. You did?
I recognized your voice.
You did?
So, how's your trip?
You frst.
It's okay. Yours?
It's good now.
So...
So...
You want to take
a walk? Cool.
No way!
It's true.
Beethoven was chasing them,
and they just got so scared...
they shoved themselves into that
little car and peeled out.
That's the craziest
thing I've ever heard.
Beethoven's like the coolest
dog I've ever seen.
Well, next to Puddles.
Who's Puddles?
My dog. Well, my dad
named him Puddles...
after he made a mess in my dad's
favorite chair right after we got him.
I know what you mean. Beethoven's made
a lot of messes out of things on my trip.
At least it's not boring
like my vacation.
Well, actually, this is the
best time I've had all trip.
Me too.
So, where's Beethoven
now? He's in the RV.
Can we go visit him?
Sure.
Tommy, it says here,
"Beverage extremely hot. "
Oh, hot, hot, hot.
They forgot
to turn the alarm on.
Uh, good, good.
One more sip.
- What if it's a trap?
- Listen to me!
On the count of three, we open
the door and trank the dog.
Ohhh.
No, no, it won't hurt him.
He'll just go sleepy-sleepy.
- Oh. Oh.
- Begin the countdown.
What?
Ten, nine,
eight, seven...
Three, two, one!
Eight, seven...
Where is the coffee?
Did you hear that?
Hear what?
The dog growling.
Uh, yes.
Why did you say, "Hear what?" Why didn't you
just say, "Yes, I heard the dog growling"?
Because, well,
there is no dog.
Focus. It's just the
motor home settling.
- Okay, okay, let's get moving.
- What? Let's just get the DVD and go.
We are! Except
this time no mistakes.
This time we're taking
the whole motor home.
Hey, look, it's the RV.
Hey, Dad!
Wait a minute.
That isn't my dad.
Somebody's stealing the RV!
Yeah, hi.
Is this Club Canine?
Yes, we have a dog we need picked
up and kenneled for a few days.
Yes, I'll hold.
Honey, what are you doing?
George and Alice can have him
shipped when they get to the reunion.
I'm sorry. I should've done
this a thousand miles ago.
I don't want you to have
a bad trip.
He's gonna be okay. It says here that
Club Canine has a four-biscuit rating.
- Didn't we try this already?
- Yeah, but this time he's gonna stay.
Yeah. He's 185 pounds.
No, I'm not kidding.
Hold on a second.
Brennan, what's going...
Oh, hello.
Dad, someone just
stole the RV!
- What?
- Sara was in it!
She said that Beethoven was lonely,
so she went to keep him company.
I should've told you, Dad.
I'm sorry.
What?
- Richard!
- I found it!
Who told you we'd get
it? You did, Tommy.
Who's the man?
You are, Tommy.
Shhh. Beethoven.
Maybe they won't
know we're here.
Go check it out.
I don't want to.
Check it out! Go!
Did you fnd
anything useful?
Seventy-three empty coffee cups in
the car. The car's a hunk of junk.
Well, we know that. Who
are they? What do they want?
Who's chasing them down to get my
little girl back? Calm down, Mr. Newton.
We've got every unit
in the area looking for 'em.
We don't even know if your
daughter's in the motor home.
I just told you so! Mr. Newton,
we're doing everything we can.
No, you're not!
Hey! What are you doing?
What are you doing?
I'm going after my
little girl. Hang on!
Go, Dad! Yeah!
Be a man, William!
Doggie night-night time.
Oh, my God!
We're kidnappers.
Tommy, you never said nothing
about us being kidnappers!
Shut up.
You're babbling.
Stop babbling and let me
think. Think about what?
We are going to jail!
Panicking is not allowed!
Tommy, you said nobody
was gonna get hurt!
Well, no one has been hurt,
so shut up!
- No, no, you shut up!
- No, you shut up!
- You shut up!
- No, you shut up!
- You shut up!
- You first! You shut up!
La-la-la, can't hear you.
Can't listen to you.
You know, you're gonna get
in a lot of trouble for this.
- Yeah.
- Okay, might as well go Code Three.
Go ahead, floor it.
Stop this,
or I'm telling your mom!
Stop it now!
I'm gonna... be taking...
a nice little nap.
When we catch up, are you gonna
shoot out the tires or something?
You watch too much television.
We can't risk hurting the girl.
What should I do?
Get up ahead of'em
and slam on the brakes.
What?
Stop! You're going too fast!
You're gonna crash us!
You should've thought of that
before you tried to stow away.
And before you tried to steal the
operating system from me, little girl!
Or should I say...
"secret agent"?
Beethoven, he's crazy!
William!
Will...
Ah. Toro!
Toro, come on. Come on.
Come on. You want some of this.
Go get him, Beethoven!
Come on!
Stop it! He's hot!
You want a piece of me?
William, get out here!
William, get out here!
God, we're moving. William!
We're gonna crash!
Get... Stay down!
Beethoven, get up!
Beethoven!
Beethoven, please... sit!
No! No! Stand! No!
Oh, my God!
No, don't sit!
Good boy!
Whoa!
- Sara!
- Daddy!
Daddy! Daddy!
Honey, I'm so sorry
we didn't believe you.
Beethoven saved me,
Daddy. Yes, he did. He did.
Hey, she's okay.
Beethoven,
I was wrong about you.
You are a hero.
Oh, honey, I love you.
Hang around.
You're under arrest.
I want a large black coffee...
and two sugars.
And can you make it fast?
You will not arrest me. You will
give us only a parking ticket.
You are getting sleepy.
Lock him up, tight.
Sleepy. You are sleepy.
You are all sleepy.
Watch your head.
What did they want with us?
This. It's got a stolen
computer code on it.
It's a shame.
This was a good movie.
Don Knotts gave
the performance of his career.
You know he put on weight
for that role? He did?
I saw it once at a drive-in
when I was a kid.
My dad took us across country
in an RV once.
Not as nice as
your dad's rig, though.
Mr. Newton...
you think you can avoid
borrowing any more squad cars?
- I think so.
- Have a nice trip.
Thank you, sir.
Okay, come on, guys.
Let's go.
We're almost there.
Come on, guys, cheer up. At least we
got to spend two weeks with Beethoven.
It's not like we're
never gonna see him again.
Hey, this will give us a good excuse
to visit Uncle George and Aunt Alice.
Right?
Throw it!
I didn't buy it, either. Okay, let's fnd
George and Alice and get this over with.
Come on, honey.
Richard! Richard!
Beth, hey!
Uncle Morrie!
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Ah, you look good. You look
good, Richard. Hey, you too.
Hey, wear this. Give me
a little hug there.
Ahhh. And the kids... Look at
the kids. I can't believe it.
Five years, and look at you
guys. You're all grown up.
Hey, have George and Alice
and the kids arrived yet?
Oh, I gotta tell you
about that.
Georgie called and said he's no gonna
be able to make it to the reunion.
- They're not coming?
- No. They had a problem in "Bratisloba. "
Somewhere.
Business-wise.
And they're gonna have to extend
their visit for at least another year.
What?
And so he asked me to ask
you if you wouldn't mind...
taking care of the dog
until they get back.
He said he'd pay
for everything.
George?
My brother said this?
Said he'd pay
for everything.
We'd be happy
to take care of Beethoven.
Good. Happy to hear you say
that. Uh, something else.
You remember your cousins,
uh, Ted and Sally?
Sure. They live an hour away
from us in Colorado Springs.
They had to leave in a big hurry.
I mean, the hot dogs weren't...
- Really?
- Anyway, since you're going to be passing their house,
they thought maybe you could
drop something off for them.
Sure we can. Wait. What is it?
Tiny! Baron!
Cool!
No. No, no.
No, no, no.
It's okay.
It'll be great for you.
You're doing great.
No, I'm not.
# On the road again #
# Just can't wait
to get on the road again #
# I found love is making
music with my friends #
# And I can't wait
to get on the road again #
# On the road again #
# Going places
that I've never been #
# Seeing things that
I may never see again #
# And I can't wait
to get on the road again #
# On the road again
Like a band of gypsies... #
You live in Denver? You're
kidding? What school do you go to?
Ridgecrest High.
You too? No way. Really?
# And our way
is on the road again #
Is your little sister
videotaping us?
- Sara!
- I gotta document everything!
# I found love is making
music with my friends... #
Beethoven, not the toilet!
Sara!
Get away, Sara!
# On the road again... #
Here, Brennan.
Yeah, like this.
Wait a minute.
Don't break things. Stop.
Wait a minute.
Oh, my God.
How come everybody's
hitting me?
Beethoven, help me!
Help me!
I'm recording this.
Honey, this is great.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm not cleaning this up!
You better control yourselves!
I was family videographer.
I'm documenting ourjourney.
We're not going on a journey, Sara.
We're going on a very long drive.
Nuh-uh. Dad said
we're taking a journey.
Does the RV have a power port
for my laptop?
We're on a budget, and the economy
model RV might not even have a toilet,
but I'm sure it has
a cigarette lighter.
Power port, Mom. We don't say
cigarette lighter anymore.
We also don't walk around
with a milk moustache...
no matter how much
it accentuates our booger-nose.
Sorry. I'm too excited
about our trip.
Mom, Dad has been quoted as saying this
is gonna be the funnest vacation ever.
Can we get your reaction?
Driving across country to a
family reunion, cooking, cleaning,
organizing and budgeting
is not fun and not a vacation.
Yet, it's what I do
with my free time.
Oh, no!
Ew!
No, please.
Thank you.
No!
Not my gnomes!
He got the biggest one
they had.
Now, this... is camping!
Dad, it is so cool!
You like it?
Go check it out.
You think that's cool? Wait till your
friends drive by pointing and laughing at you.
Then we'll see how cool
you think it is. Brennan.
Maybe one of them had just told
a joke. Did you consider that?
Yeah. The joke was,
"Look, everybody,
Brennan Newton's going on a
vacation with his family in a bus. "
God, how lame is that?
Even Jessica Donnelly saw me.
Hey, Brenn, your friends are all
probably gonna stay in hotels this summer.
We're gonna sleep beside pristine
lakes in the great outdoors.
And the beauty of it is,
this rig has everything!
So you'll never even know you
left home. That's just it, Dad.
It's home,
but smaller for two weeks.
I don't even wanna go
on this stupid trip anyway.
- I didn't budget for this, Richard.
- I know, I know.
Just look.
Come on. Just look.
I need a new tape.
Okay. Just look.
We can't afford this, Richard.
No way!
Is that a DVD player?
Yep, and a fridge/freezer,
tub/ shower,
blender/food processor,
power ports for Sara's computer,
and check this out.
Instant hydraulic
emergency brake.
You touch that baby, and this coach comes
to a total standstill in half a second.
And what, we go sailing
through the front window?
Spring action shoulder strap
seat belts, honey.
It doesn't get any safer.
Oh.
You don't have to worry about
scrubbing it top to bottom.
It's brand new.
We're the first renters.
Very, very funny.
How much?
Oh, uh, I don't know. I'd have
to look at the rental agreement,
but just think how much
we'll be saving...
in restaurants, hotels,
room service, room service tips.
Exactly how much is this dream
house on wheels costing us?
Oh, Richard, that's twice
what we planned to spend.
A little more, actually,
with insurance.
Oh, right.
Beth, I'm sorry.
I couldn't help myself.
I wanna relive one of the great
experiences of my childhood with my family.
Uh, well, speaking of family, your
brother George called from Europe.
Huh! Let me guess. He said they're
not gonna make it to the reunion.
No, they're gonna make it, but they wanted
us to bring something there for them.
It's gonna be delivered
this morning. What?
I couldn't hear what it was. It was a
cell phone. You know, bad connection.
Huh. Hey, you see there? The extra storage
capacity is already saving us headaches.
You're pushing it, Richard.
Hi. Yeah, uh,
we would like to purchase...
a DVD copy of The Shakiest
Gun in the West, please.
Are you familiar
with that title?
1967, written by James Fritzell
and Everett Greenbaum.
Genre: comedy/western.
Directed by Alan Rafkin.
Starring Pat Morita as Wong,
Jackie Coogan as Basch, Barbara
Rhodes as Penelope Cushings...
and, of course, Don Knotts
as Jesse W. Heywood.
That
Shakiest Gun in the West?
Yes, that's the one.
One copy, please.
We're sold out.
Excuse me.
That's nasty.
This is way out of control.
It's too complicated.
I said let's steal the operating system
and deliver it in person, but you said no.
Let's put it on a DVD
that nobody ever buys,
stick it in a video store
and deliver it that way.
And?
And...
somebody bought the DVD
that nobody was supposed to buy.
Oh, God,
we're in so much trouble.
Okay. We already spent the money
that we got from Mr. You Know Who.
Oh, my God. Do you know
what Mr. You Know Who...
is going to do to us when he fnds out
that somebody else has the you know what?
No, what?
I'm kidding.
I'm a joker. We are dead if
we don't get that DVD back!
Okay, William,
calm yourself.
Observe the master.
Hello, there, Quentin.
I'm wondering,
how long to order a copy of
The Shakiest Gun in the West?
That would be about
six to eight weeks.
Oh, that's bad.
Maybe we can order a copy from
the guy who ordered it from you.
Yes, may we have his name,
address and telephone number?
Dude, what do I got, like Federal felony
written across my forehead or something?
Could you, perhaps,
see if you have another copy?
We don't.
Could you check, please?
C- C-C...
Okay, man. Whatever.
Just cool your jets.
What? Tommy, what are you doing?
That is completely illegal.
I'm an idiot.
Yes, yes you are, but fortunately
for both of us, I am a genius.
Begin the countdown.
Ten, nine...
Richard Newton, 1715 Hauser
Street. Blast off, baby.
You hacked their system
in two seconds.
That is a new record.
I don't believe it.
That is why you fail.
Stupid you are.
I hope you have a nice summer.
I didn't know Jessica Donnelly
was your girlfriend.
Well, she was gonna be
before this whole stupid trip.
But now she won't ever be.
Hey, are you fIming me?
- Dad said I gotta document everything.
- Give me that!
- No!
- Give me the camera, Sara!
No! I got to document
everything!
Come on! Give it! Brennan,
stop terrorizing your sister.
- Tell her to give me the tape.
- When she gets big, she's gonna kick his butt.
Give me the camera, Sara! Hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey, you guys.
Mom, she was... You guys. No,
Sara's just doing her job, okay?
And nobody's gonna go running into the RV,
making a mess of everything I just loaded.
Now, organization is the key
to happiness on this trip, okay?
But, Mom, she was... Brennan, this
trip is really important to your father,
so could you just
try and act excited?
Fine.
So, Brennan, Dad said this is
gonna be the funnest vacation ever.
Can we get your reaction?
I'm gonna tell you did that.
- Boat's hooked up.
I'm gonna tell you did that.
- Boat's hooked up.
- House is locked up.
- Give me that!
- Oh, oh, oh, oh.
- Let's hit the road, Newtons.
- You two!
- Wait. Wait. I almost forgot.
What's that?
On my motor home vacation,
my dad did this for us.
It made us feel
like a real team,
and, well, I want you
to feel the same way.
Great. That's great.
Okay. Okay!
Everybody turn around.
Turn around.
Turn around.
What do you think?
Cool, huh?
This is so lame.
Okay. Oh, wait.
There's more.
What do you got, Dad?
One of the best things
about my motor home vacation...
was when we stopped
at a drive-in.
We sat on the roof of the RV
in our pajamas,
ate popcorn and watched
The Shakiest Gun in the West.
Who's Don Knotts?
Don Knotts?
Thanks, Mr. Newton.
What is it?
You don't know.
- No.
- Good luck!
Ooh, Sara,
it's gonna bite you.
Dad.
What did I agree
to bring with us?
Uh, Brennan, open it.
Why me? Because you're
a trained Boy Scout.
You're prepared,
and you're closer.
No, I'm not.
Just do it. Open it.
What?
What, are you chicken?
He's huge!
Don't slobber on me! Don't!
Get him away! Get him away!
Get him, Brennan! Get him!
- Honey! Honey!
- Did you see the size of that dog?
Oh!
Oh!
I'm okay. I'm all right.
- Daddy!
- Richard!
It's not my fault.
Beethoven, come here, boy.
Oh, my God!
Oh!
Do you see anything? No! They
must have been tipped off.
Tipped off!
Are you sure?
Hmm, on this particular day, they
go to that particular video store...
and get that particular copy of that particular
movie that no one else has ever rented.
Look, switch to decaf,
okay, babe? Open your eyes.
These people are
professionals. Professionals.
These people are
professionals. Professionals.
When my dad took me on my motor home
vacation, we had a dog with us... Spartacus.
It was great!
Spartacus was a Chihuahua.
That sheds a trash bag
full of hair every day.
This is one part of your boyhood trip
you're just not gonna get to relive. No way.
Okay. Vote, then.
All in favor of bringing
Beethoven with us, raise your hand.
All opposed?
A tie.
Okay, let's flip for it.
No, we won't.
The dog is not going.
Look,
he's already caused us $ 200
worth of damage in the RV.
No. And we're gonna have to feed him.
You know I'm gonna end up
cleaning up after him.
Richard, we're gonna take him
to a kennel,
and then George and Alice can
have him shipped from there, okay?
Okay. All right.
I understand.
You wouldn't put Ryce, Ted
or Emily in a kennel.
And Beethoven's our cousin too.
How are we gonna get that DVD from
them, huh? By any means necessary.
You know what?
I think Sara is right.
The only decent thing to do here is
let Beethoven take my place on the trip.
I mean, I guess
I'll have to stay home.
Nice try, Brennan. Come on.
We're all hitting the road.
What about that dog? That's
gotta be a trained killer.
Veterinarian animal
tranquilizer.
Any more stupid questions?
Tommy, this looks complicated.
Now, you are sure
that you know how to use it.
Excuse me. Which one of us
is the stupid one?
Me? Sorry. Yes. That would be you.
Item number one:
When we get into the hou...
They see us!
Move!
Out of my way!
Let's go, Newtons. Come on.
We're leaving now. Come on. We're
gonna hit the road. Let's go.
They're on the road.
What?
I felt a great disturbance
in the force,
as if seven gnomes cried out
at once and were silenced.
Let's roll.
Hurry up! Hurry up! They're
in front. I see them.
Okay. Stay behind them.
They're right in front.
Don't lose them, or we're
dead. Okay. Losing, death, bad.
He'll be okay, honey.
Dogs check in, but they don't
check out. Shut up, Brennan.
You know, we could drive
right by your school.
Sorry, sorry, Dad.
Bye, Beethoven.
Let's take 'em.
Okay.
Come here, boy.
Come here, boy.
Come here. Hey!
Come back here!
Hold this!
Oh, with the hurting!
Oh, that's not good.
Whoa! Good doggie!
Good doggie.
Good doggie, good doggie.
That dog trashed the car.
Just don't tell my mom.
It's covered in cement.
Don't tell her.
She's gonna know.
- What the heck was that?
- Probably somebody's vintage gnome collection...
that they'd painstakingly put together
for the last ten years of their life.
I said I was sorry.
It was probably a dog someone didn't want
on their vacation, and Dad just ran him over.
Shut up, Brennan.
Sweetheart,
Beethoven will be just fne,
even though your mommy made him
stay in that terrible place.
Oh, thanks a lot, Richard.
You're welcome, honey. Okay,
who wants to sing road songs?
No? Okay.
Honey, why don't you show your mom
that great trip route we programmed?
You mean that one
That's enough, Brennan.
If we make the schedule, we should be able
to hit Black Bart's Village by Thursday.
You're gonna love that.
Richard, you planned this entire
trip practically to the minute.
You have a map for every inch
of highway we're gonna travel...
and a schedule of stops
and attractions.
Okay, I'm impressed.
This is great.
Yep.
Brenn, what are you doing?
I'm gonna watch that movie. I can't
believe I'm gonna watch it, but I'm gonna.
Two hours into the trip,
and you're already bored?
It's not my fault, Dad.
I can get anywhere I want in the world
with just a few keystrokes, but I'm not.
I'm watching it crawl by
through the window of a bus.
It wasn't that different
when I was a kid.
We didn't have computers, but we had
clubhouses. We used to build clubhouses.
- What's a clubhouse, Dad?
- Never mind. Just watch the movie, Brennan.
- Dad, this disc is a reject.
- What?
Oh, that was supposed to be one
of the highlights of the trip.
He'll come around.
Just give him time.
Richard, what was that?
Mmm, just a branch.
Oh, yeah!
It's beautiful.
And they sure keep it clean.
Okay, Newtons. Let's get the boat
unhitched and start having some fun!
Okay.
Man!
I don't remember this thing
being this heavy.
- Brennan, come here and give me a hand.
- Doing fne, Dad.
Beethoven, come here!
Richard!
I'm okay. I'm all right.
I'm okay. I'm all right.
No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
No!
Dad, Beethoven saved you.
He's a hero.
Sara, I was in three feet
of water.
Okay. I'm calm now
and clean.
You did this on purpose,
didn't you?
What? Let the towing hitch
hit me in the hmm-hmm?
Threw myself in the lake
and sunk the boat?
No, you snuck Beethoven in the
boat and you towed him here with us.
You did, Dad? Thanks!
Ah, you're welcome sweetheart.
No!
Wait a minute.
I didn't do that.
Look, Beethoven obviously
got away from the kennel,
Jumped in the boat
and hitched a ride here.
Pretty smart dog.
He's an untrained, drooling
hair ball. Beethoven, sit.
See? Now what
are we gonna do with him?
Set him free.
He'll be fne in the wild.
- He's as big as a bear.
- Dad, no!
Dad! Don't worry. There
are no bears here, Brennan.
I don't see any other choice.
We have to take him with us.
- Oh, joy.
- All right.
The minute Beethoven causes me extra
work, he's walking to California.
That's fair.
That's very reasonable.
So what happened
to the boat?
Uh, it's...
They took it away.
He completely totalled it?
No...
but enough.
Look, it wasn't really
all his fault.
Sara, let's take the dog for a walk.
He was in the boat for a long time.
Come on, Beethoven.
Brennan, come with us.
How much did you get
for it? What? The boat?
No, the shards of fberglass
that we used to call the boat.
I had to pay them
to take it away.
Oh. Mm-hmm. Oh.
Okay. That's great.
No, I'm gonna walk him.
What are you doing?
I'm adding up everything
that Beethoven's cost us...
so I know how much to charge George and
Alice when we get to the family reunion.
Beethoven!
Sara, I wouldn't let him
chase that thing.
Beethoven, stop!
Brennan!
That's gonna stink!
Ooh!
Sir, we've had some complaints
about your dog.
I'm sorry. He's a house dog.
He doesn't get out much.
Really? Well, look,
it's against park regulations...
to allow fraternization between the
domestic animals and the wildlife.
And from the smell of your dog,
he's been fraternizing. Really?
Yeah, just keep him confined
to the campgrounds,
and, please, get him cleaned up;
he reeks.
How do I get rid
of the smell?
Well, there's only one way
I know for certain.
Uh-huh?
Tomato sauce.
Any particular kind
of tomato sauce?
Something with basil
would be nice.
No, no, no!
Beethoven!
Oh, no! Stop! Stop!
Go throw him in the lake!
Watch the coffee, dude!
Ice coffee.
Oh, I told you
they'd never get away from me.
Do you remember how they used to
laugh at me in school, William?
All the time. Especially the time when you
were in gym class, and you peed your pants...
I'm-I'm just an idiot.
Well, who's laughing now,
William?
I don't know. Who?
Okay. Here's the plan.
We wait until night. Then we
waltz in under cover of darkness.
Yes, and when the family
is asleep,
we grab the DVD
and make a stealthy retreat.
That's a good plan. I know it's a
good plan, because I made up the plan.
You don't have to explain...
What?
It's brain freeze!
Half a cup next time, dude.
Okay, Beethoven. Including
the tomato sauce, the mop...
and the boat, so far
you've cost us $ 2,754.
You're enjoying this, aren't
you? So you got any money?
Do you have a job?
That's what I thought.
Mom, listen to this. I found
a great St. Bernard web site.
The St. Bernard dog is named after the
St. Bernard Pass high in the Swiss Alps.
The most famous St. Bernard
was named Barry,
and he saved the lives
of 41 people.
Wow.
The last person he saved was a
little boy trapped on an icy ledge.
Barry carried the boy back
to the monks at the hospice,
20 miles through the deep snow.
Oh, my gosh!
Mom, look!
He looks just like Beethoven.
He does.
Let's see. Now where...
There he is,
right where he landed.
Just one tooth.
Okay, time for bed.
Come on. Are you sure Beethoven
is gonna be okay outside?
Honey, didn't you tell me he was
built to live in the mountains?
- But what if he gets lonely?
- He won't get lonely, honey.
Good night, sweetheart.
- Mom?
- What, honey?
Why do you hate Beethoven
so much?
Oh, honey,
I don't hate Beethoven.
I, I just haven't had a chance
to get to know him yet.
Maybe by the end of the trip.
- Promise?
- I, I promise.
Good night.
Wow, we got to put this
on the itinerary.
A life-size peanut butter
sculpture of Abraham Lincoln.
Beth?
I used to be a nice person.
You're still a nice person.
I don't feel like I am.
Remember the summer
after we got married?
- Mm-hmm.
- You and me and the motorcycle.
That seems so long ago.
Honey, it wasn't that long ago.
I used to be
an adventurous person.
I think you need to get back in
touch with that side of yourself.
What side?
The not worry, adventurous,
messy side.
I can be messy.
Well, what do you call that
tomato sauce bath I had today?
A good start.
Good night, Beethoven.
Shh! Shh! Shh!
Shh! Shh! Okay, okay.
Hey, hey. Remember. These things
are 250 times more sensitive...
than the human eye,
so do not look into any lights.
Okay, no lights.
All right. Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.
Why are we wearing these capes?
They are cloaks, William, and
with them we become invisible,
blending into our surroundings
like moon shadows between the trees.
Lock it up.
Come on.
Tommy, Tommy, Tommy. Why are
we wearing the canisters, again?
Emergency smoke screens.
Okay.
Listen. These things are highly
pressurized and highly odoriferous.
Only use them in an emergency.
No, don't touch it.
Repeat after me.
I will hold in my gas, Tommy.
I will hold in my gas, Tommy.
Good.
Follow me. Single fle.
Tommy.
There's only two of us.
Are you arguing with me,
mister? No! Single fle.
Okay. Shh! Be quiet!
I am being quiet!
Shut up!
Hold still!
Hold still! Up!
Up! Up! Push!
- What do you see?
- Two kids sleeping.
The disc, Bill.
Where is the disc?
I see it! I see it!
It's right there!
Oh, that is really cool, Tommy.
Where did you get that?
You're on a need-to-know basis, and
I don't believe you need to know.
Tommy! That big dog!
I, I, I...
- I gotta go tinkle.
- Control yourself.
You don't need to destroy us.
Your powers are weak, old dog.
You are the good puppy.
Yes, you are the good puppy.
We love the puppy.
- Here they go again.
Will you shut your dog up?
You over there!
By the camper!
The lights! Don't look
at the light, William!
Abort!
Activate smoke screen!
Release your gas, William!
Tree! Oh, where's the car?
Can't see!
I see it! Let's go!
Okay! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Don't worry! Oh!
Get in! Get in!
- Let's go! Go!
- Shut up! You're waking up the whole campgrounds!
You're going the wrong way!
No, I'm not. Shut up!
Okay, watch out for the lake!
- We're very sorry, Offcer.
- That's, uh, Ranger.
Offcer Ranger
It won't happen again, Offcer.
Ranger.
Offcer Ranger.
If it happens again, I'm gonna have to
escort you and your dog off the grounds.
He's not our dog.
If it's not your dog, I'm gonna
have to impound the stray right now.
What my son means is,
is it's not our dog...
in the sense that you can't
really truly own an animal.
We're all God's creatures.
Well, look,
Just keep your dog quiet.
Yes, Offcer Ranger.
Sorry about that, fellow
campers. Situation under control.
Good night.
Come on, come on, come on.
- I don't believe it.
He is one of God's dumber
creatures. He's not dumb.
He saw something. That's why
he howled. He was warning us.
- What are you talking about?
- Two men.
I saw them drive away, and I recognized
them from across the street at our house.
And they were following us.
It's official. She's dreaming.
- I'm serious.
- Maybe he's just lonely.
He is out here
all by himself.
Let's go in.
No, no, no, no. Beethoven's staying
outside tonight, and so are you.
- What?
- Honey, if he barks again, they'll make us leave.
- You have to.
- Oh, come on!
Sweet dreams, sweetheart.
Beth! Beth!
Hey, keep it down!
- Here you go, Dad.
- Thanks, sweetheart.
It's for Beethoven, Dad.
Beethoven, you're the best dog
anyone could ever ask for.
You are the strongest
and bravest dog that ever lived.
Golly, Beethoven,
you're my best friend.
Best friend.
It's a free-range wienie,
boy! Go get it!
Go away!
No! No! Bad!
No, no, no!
Nice doggie!
Help!
Help!
Stay away, doggie!
Excuse me.
Where is all the cereal?
Beethoven was hungry,
so I fed it to him.
All ten boxes? He's a big dog,
Brennan, in case you didn't notice.
Okay, okay.
Stop arguing.
We'll make a dog food stop.
Hey, Brenn,
I found your hat.
It was behind the sofa. Now,
how did it get behind there?
- Alarmed. Oh, ho, ho. They're good.
- God!
Hey, why don't you and I
get some coffee over there?
Let them do the shopping.
Okay.
Um, all right, Brennan.
Be sure to get a receipt, and get
enough dog food to get us to California.
Okay?
Right.
Watch after your sister, now.
Hey!
Thanks, Dad.
Okay, kid has the keys.
I will pick his pocket,
deactivate the RV alarm
and grab the disc.
What about that dog? That
stupid dog is still there, Tommy.
It's big doggie
night-night time.
Ha! Oh! I thought I told
you to check for fsh.
I did. I swear.
This has got to be the last one.
Stay here.
I wonder if they have
those doggie power bars here.
Here, you just go get the stuff.
I'm gonna wait out here.
But Dad told you to do it.
Sara, you're old enough.
I think you can handle it.
Yes, I can.
I know this isn't how you
thought the trip would go so far.
It's not how I thought
it would go either.
I just want to say I'm sorry.
Oh, Richard,
it hasn't been that bad.
Okay, it's been bad, but it's
the dog's fault, not yours.
You know, I still think there's
plenty of laughs to be had...
on this vacation if we just
forget about Beethoven.
That's right!
That's it!
That's exactly what we'll do.
We'll forget about Beethoven. Yeah.
Excuse me.
You like Hello Kitty?
Um...
So, Ensign?
Is that your name?
A- Actually, it's Brennan.
Brennan Newton.
- Hi.
- It wasn't mine. It was my little sister's.
I mean, it was
for my little sister's friend.
He's much more entertaining
than Spartacus was on a vacation.
Then again, maybe not.
Haven't I seen you before?
Uh, yeah, I think
we saw each other on the road.
Beethoven!
Dumb dog!
God.
Brennan, are you all right?
That... Uh, I'm fne!
Wait a minute!
What happened? Beethoven just
jumped all over me for no reason!
God, he's messing up
my life!
That's good, honey.
We got to go now.
Mister, is that your dog?
How much?
I'll add it up.
Man's best friend.
Sorry, boy.
Boss' orders.
What's Sumotown?
I don't know. It was Black Bart's
Old-Time Western Town when I was a kid.
- Hi.
- Welcome to Sumotown How many?
Uh, two adults and two kids.
Hey, what happened
to the old-time Western town?
Eh, bankrupt.
We bought it in the early 90s.
Hasn't exactly been a cash cow,
we thought. We're selling off.
You wanna make an offer?
Oh, oh, no, thanks.
We're just gonna catch
the showdown on Main Street.
Hey, there still is
a Main Street showdown, right?
Heck yeah, partner.
Right down there.
What?
It's Black Bart. See the hat?
Can see a lot more than that.
He's gained a few pounds.
Shh.
Boy, this really takes me back.
To where, Dad?
Dad, why is he looking at me?
Black Bart says,
"What did you call me, boy?"
Is he serious?
I didn't say anything?
Well, I think you did, partner.
I think you called him a liar.
Mmm.
Black Bart says...
you are a yellow belly,
lowdown,
gutless,
tenderfoot coward dog.
Are you gonna take that?
Yeah, I am, Dad.
I'm not gonna do that.
No, I'm not gonna...
No! Dad! Dad!
It's only acting, Brennan!
Come on! Come on!
Go, Brennan! Go!
Oh, it's okay, honey.
Honey, they're not hurting him.
Brennan! Brennan!
Brennan!
Brennan! Brennan! Brennan!
No! No!
Don't swing me! No!
I'm gonna get sick!
Yeah!
That a boy! Sumo warrior man!
Tommy,
tell me the truth.
Does this suit
make me look fat?
Whoa!
Listen to me.
Daddy Newton has the key.
We're gonna sandwich him
between our sumo bellies,
and when I'm going, "Sorry, excuse
me," and he's going, "That's okay,"
you pick his pocket,
and you take the key.
What about that stupid dog?
Tommy, I had another
nightmare about him last night.
You are wearing a high-density
foam, fully-naked sumo suit.
You are immune to dogs.
Okay. Blend.
Hey, hey, what's the matter,
pal? What's the matter?
I can't believe you just did that to
me. I've never been this embarrassed.
They were laughing.
They loved it.
They were laughing at me, Dad.
I just thought you'd enjoy doing
something I did when I was a kid.
Dad, this place was lame 30 years
ago, and it's even worse now.
Did you like it
when you were a kid?
Yes.
Yes, of course.
D...
Stop, you idiot.
I'm sorry, Dad,
but this, this whole trip...
has been nothing but Boresville,
and it hasn't even been a week yet.
Thank you.
- Beethoven, no! Stop!
- Beethoven, sit!
Beethoven!
You call that boring?
Beethoven, stay!
What happened? Oh, strangely,
Beethoven ran away again.
Get in! Get in!
I told you we should
have taken your mom's minivan!
Good job.
Come on, Beethoven.
So what did Black Bart say?
I don't know.
He took my check, though. Those
barrels are apparently antique.
It was those guys again.
Here we go again.
The bad guys are following us.
Shut up, Brennan. Brennan,
be nice to your sister.
Sweetheart, remember when you thought that
blanket in the closet was a grizzly bear...
or when you thought the neighbors
were stealing your pajamas?
What's your point, Mom? Honey,
those bandidos werejust actors.
How come no one believes me?
No one
except for you, Beethoven.
Beethoven!
Hey, that's my pack!
- Is that your dog?
- Yeah, sorry.
Actually, he's mine.
Oh, hi, again.
Hi.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I wish we could have brought
our dog on our trip,
but he had to stay in a kennel
till we got back.
A kennel?
That's tough.
I think putting a dog
in a kennel is just... cruel.
That's what I told my parents.
So, I'm Brennan.
I know.
We met before.
Oh, right.
Um, sorry.
It's okay. We kind of
got interrupted before.
Um, I'm Penny.
So where you guys headed?
Some family reunion
in California.
I got another week and a half
stuck in that RV with my family.
Tell me about it. This has been
our most boring vacation ever.
- The worst.
- My dad is on some mission to give us a killer vacation.
I know. My dad's gone
totally insane over this trip.
My whole summer's gone...
wasted.
And by the time I get back, it's
gonna be time for school again.
Yeah, same here.
Well, I'm down there.
Bye.
Bye.
- Good night.
- Good night.
So ask her
for her phone number.
Shut up, Sara.
That's a good idea. Here.
I was gonna ask, you know.
Um, here's my itinerary too.
Maybe we'll stay at the
same place again. Maybe.
Okay.
Bye.
Bye.
Good night.
Bye.
Bye. Let me hold him.
Why? You don't like him.
What are you talking about?
I love dogs.
Especially St. Bernards.
Whatever.
# On the road again #
# Just can't wait
to get on the road again #
# I found love is making music
with my friends #
# And I can't wait
to get on the road again #
# On the road again #
# Goin'places
that I've never been #
# Seein'things
that I may never see again #
# And I can't wait
to get on the road again #
# On the road again #
# Like a band of Gypsies
we go down the highway #
# We're the best of friends #
# Insisting that the world keep turning
our way # No, Beethoven. Don't do that!
Just get him away.
# And our way #
# Is on the road again #
# I just can't wait
to get on the road again #
# And I found love is making
music with my friends #
# And I can't wait
to get on the road again #
Oh! Oh!
You fed him what?
Oh, look at this!
He burned a hole in the couch.
Who fed him eggs?
# On the road again #
Beethoven! # Like a band of
Gypsies we go down the highway #
# We're the best of friends #
- # Insisting that the world keep turning our way #
- Beethoven!
# And our way
is on the road again #
# I just can't wait
to get on the road again #
# And I found love is making
music with my friends #
# And I can't wait
to get on the road again #
# No, I can't wait
to get on the road again #
# Oh, I can't wait
to get on the road again ##
Oh!
It's totally clogged
with dog hair!
We have to fnd the main
Junction sewage control.
That's the only way we're gonna
dump the waste water now.
- Can I just say one thing?
- Yes, you can.
And you know what you can say?
You can say,
"I will not open my big fat mouth,
Tommy, until we fnd the DVD!"
Tommy, listen, we have been following
those Newtons for a very long time now.
Duh, whiney pants.
You think I don't know that?
Well, I don't know what you know,
'cause you said it was gonna be so easy.
So help me God, if you don't
shut up, I will make you eat sand.
What are we doing?
We are having a problem.
Yeah, yeah, I know that! It's been like
a week, and we don't have the DVD yet!
I will make you eat sand!
We're having tire trouble!
We're not having tire trouble.
The tires are perfectly fne.
You just pulled over
and jacked up the car why?
You popped two tires,
and we only have one spare.
Lord, you gave him brains,
but he does not think.
You gave him a mouth
which he never shuts up!
Listen to me,
you brussels sprout.
With two slashed tires,
it's twice as likely...
that the Newtons will
pull over to help us.
So, we will
wave them down,
ask them to take us
to the nearest gas station,
and while we are on board the RV we will
take the disc without anyone knowing.
Blast off!
What? What, what?
Your plan is brilliant, Tommy. I'm,
I'm, I'm sorry that I doubted you.
Oh, it's okay. I know.
It's just I need coffee.
You know, Dad, I was thinking it might
be fun to stay at a hotel for a night.
No way.
They don't let in pets.
The RV's a hotel on wheels.
I don't know, Dad.
I just thought it might be fun.
And I found this really
fun-looking place.
A four-star hotel.
Doesn't that sound great?
No. They don't
let in pets.
- Ohhh.
- Begin the countdown.
Ten! Nine!
Wave your arms.
Wave your arms.
Eight!
What's this sudden
interest in hotels?
Down, boy!
Get him off the brake!
The brake!
Sara, honey, you can't let Beethoven do
things like that. It's very dangerous.
Oh, here it is.
- Here's what?
- The main sewage control valve.
Oh, boy,
I'm glad I found that.
When we get to the next campground,
remind me to dump the tanks...
or it's gonna get
really stinky in here.
It's number two!
Sara, how far
to the next stop?
Only about ten miles, Dad.
Oh, you're gonna love this,
Brenn. This place is rad.
Rad? It's the biggest
toy train in the world.
Boy, I loved it
when I was a kid.
Wow, Dad.
I can't wait.
This is so lame.
Let's go, Beethoven.
The kids are really
getting attached to Beethoven.
I think they like him better than they
like me. Nah, I'm just being insecure.
Not necessarily. Thanks,
honey. I feel better now.
You know, Richard, I think that dog is
consciously trying to sabotage our trip.
Beth, he's just a dog.
Honey, he can't
consciously ruin anything...
I don't think.
Nah, that's crazy.
What would his motive be?
Revenge,
for the kennel thing.
You know, one thing about him
does bother me, though. Hallelujah.
How do you think Brennan
and Sara are gonna take it...
when we have to give Beethoven
back to my brother?
That's gonna be a tough one. Yeah.
This is smaller
than I remember.
Whoa!
Yes. Bill. Bill!
Tommy!
What happened?
Tommy, come here.
It is so nice in here.
Beethoven, stop!
Hey! Beethoven!
It has a coffee maker! When we
get rich, can we get one of these?
Yeah, uh-huh. Look, do you have any idea how
easy it is for cops to track down an RV this size?
They will swoop down on you
in a hot second,
and the next thing you know, you're spending
15 to 20 years as the restroom attendant...
at a one-star Federal lockdown facility
cleaning unflushed toilets with a toothbrush.
Club-Fed I think not.
I never thought of that.
Well, thinking is not what
you do best, William. No.
Fetch the DVD.
Yes.
Oh. Oops.
I- I'm not having much luck.
Oh, who told you we'd
find it? Yes! You did.
You da man!
Yes, I am da man!
Let us vacate.
Tommy! He looks
even bigger up close.
Yes, he does, William.
Why didn't you close that door?
You were the last one in.
Here's an idea... run!
Let me out of here!
Oh, God, let me out!
Tommy!
Hey! Out of the way!
Tommy!
Wait!
No!
Tommy, wait!
Oh, thanks!
Now what are we gonna
do? It's-It's not so bad.
The windshield
is broken. Richard.
Not your side.
I don't know what I'm so worried
about. You got insurance on the RV.
We're covered. We're motoring
along. It's still a vacation.
Good, honey.
That's a good attitude.
No, it's not. It's a lie.
This is a disaster.
This whole trip has become a
catastrophe because of that dog!
He didn't mean it, Mom.
Yes, he did!
Mom, Dad, you know that
hotel I was mentioning?
It's pretty close by.
We are not staying
in a hotel.
I didn't stay in a hotel on my childhood motor
home trip, and we ain't staying in one now.
We're fine right here in our
home on wheels! Everyone got that?
Whoa.
I think Beethoven has to go.
- Honey, you agree?
- No, I mean number one.
- Stop the RV.
- Oh, no, not ag...
Heimlich! Heimlich!
Make sure Beethoven goes good, 'cause we're
not stopping again until we get to California!
All I wanted to do is give
my family a great vacation.
It's been one disaster
after another.
This is even worse than the motor
home vacation I had as a kid.
- What?
- I thought you loved that trip.
I hated it.
Well, then why do you keep
telling us how much you loved it?
Because I wanted
to remember it that way.
I wanted to forget
how bad it really was.
And the truth is...
it was horrible.
My brother and I fought
the whole 2,000 miles.
And Spartacus, our dog,
was car sick.
Can you believe that?
A car sick dog.
It was horrible.
My mother...
My mother kept telling us how much fun we
were having, but we weren't having any fun.
My dad drove himself crazy
trying to make sure we had fun.
It's okay, Daddy.
We know how you feel.
Yeah, Dad.
We know exactly how you feel.
Oh, shut up!
- Ow!
- Honey!
I'm okay.
I'm all right.
At least we're out
of the bug zone, honey.
That's it. We're taking
a night off from this vacation.
We're staying in a hotel.
Yes!
The dog has eaten up
all our reserve cash.
We can't afford
to stay in a hotel.
Beth, we can't afford not
to stay in a hotel tonight.
I'll take these inside,
and I'll be back for the others.
We have adjoining rooms
available.
However, we do not allow
animals in the rooms.
Hotel policy. If I made an
exception, I could get fred.
Is this really
that great a job?
Dad, Beethoven
has to be able to stay too.
He wouldn't even need a
bed. He's the quiet type.
So how does it look?
I can't fnd her.
Who?
What?
Who can't you fnd,
honey?
The gift shop. The gift shop. Oh.
I just thought
I'd get something...
for Aunt Alice and Uncle George
from the gift shop.
Uh, keep me company,
Beethoven.
- Please.
- Policy.
Sara, honey, Beethoven's Just gonna
have to spend the night in the RV, okay?
Honey, stand up.
Stand up.
Come on, boy. Let's see how good
you are. Find her, boy! Find her!
Beethoven,
your nose is a genius.
Come on, boy.
Are you sure Beethoven's gonna
be okay in the RV all alone?
We gave him his dinner.
He's been walked.
He has water. He's got
his own bachelor apartment.
Honey, he'll be fine.
Now, Mommy and I are
gonna go to sleep early.
So just stay
in the room, okay?
Can we stay up late,
watch movies and eat junk?
Sure. Just stay
in the room.
Okay?
Yeah, Dad, I got it.
Okay.
Good night, guys.
Good night, Dad.
Good night, Dad.
Good night, Beethoven.
Penny Miller's room,
please. Thank you.
- Who?
- Shhh.
Mrs. Penny Mill...
I mean...
Uh, yes, Mrs. Penny Miller,
this is, um, the front desk,
and we think you may have left some
personal items at the pool today.
Um, would you come down
and claim them, please?
- Ooh-ooh.
- Um, tomorrow morning?
Uh, yes, I suppose that
would work out fne. Thank you.
What happened to "Hi, it's
Brennan. We met at the campground"?
Um...
you're too young
to understand these things.
- Are you gonna go meet her?
- Tomorrow, I guess.
Fine.
- See ya.
- What are you doing?
Didn't you hear
what Dad said?
What do you think
you're doing?
I'm gonna sleep with Beethoven
so he won't get lonely.
Mom and Dad
are gonna be really mad.
Only if they fnd out, which they
won't because you won't tell on me.
Because if you do, I'll tell
them about you and Penny. Deal?
Deal.
He's hyper-normal. He's canine,
but he's some kind of hybrid.
He's some kind of mutant,
you know? He's some kind of...
That's it!
I'm-I'm awake, huh?
G.S.A.!
Governmental Species Alteration.
They take alien brain tissue, and they
put it into ordinary household pets.
That dog is an alien! He's
canine, but he's not canine.
He's alien,
but he's not alien.
He's superintelligence in one
giant, dumb-looking package.
This is clever stuff,
William!
Dude, man, are you okay?
I'm all right. I'm all right.
And-And do you know why?
Because I just hacked into the
country's main credit card network...
and I asked for the last place where
Richard Newton used his credit card!
That's why I'm all right.
"Early-On-Inn, Early-On-Inn. "
We're going to trank the disc
and grab the dog.
No, no!
That would be wrong.
We're going to trank the dog
and grab the disc.
Yes, 'cause that's how it goes,
and that's how it always goes.
Then, go! I'm ready!
Drive! Drive!
Beethoven,
I missed you so much.
Come on, Beethoven.
Here we are.
Oh, thank you.
Personal items, huh? I
thought it was you. You did?
I recognized your voice.
You did?
So, how's your trip?
You frst.
It's okay. Yours?
It's good now.
So...
So...
You want to take
a walk? Cool.
No way!
It's true.
Beethoven was chasing them,
and they just got so scared...
they shoved themselves into that
little car and peeled out.
That's the craziest
thing I've ever heard.
Beethoven's like the coolest
dog I've ever seen.
Well, next to Puddles.
Who's Puddles?
My dog. Well, my dad
named him Puddles...
after he made a mess in my dad's
favorite chair right after we got him.
I know what you mean. Beethoven's made
a lot of messes out of things on my trip.
At least it's not boring
like my vacation.
Well, actually, this is the
best time I've had all trip.
Me too.
So, where's Beethoven
now? He's in the RV.
Can we go visit him?
Sure.
Tommy, it says here,
"Beverage extremely hot. "
Oh, hot, hot, hot.
They forgot
to turn the alarm on.
Uh, good, good.
One more sip.
- What if it's a trap?
- Listen to me!
On the count of three, we open
the door and trank the dog.
Ohhh.
No, no, it won't hurt him.
He'll just go sleepy-sleepy.
- Oh. Oh.
- Begin the countdown.
What?
Ten, nine,
eight, seven...
Three, two, one!
Eight, seven...
Where is the coffee?
Did you hear that?
Hear what?
The dog growling.
Uh, yes.
Why did you say, "Hear what?" Why didn't you
just say, "Yes, I heard the dog growling"?
Because, well,
there is no dog.
Focus. It's just the
motor home settling.
- Okay, okay, let's get moving.
- What? Let's just get the DVD and go.
We are! Except
this time no mistakes.
This time we're taking
the whole motor home.
Hey, look, it's the RV.
Hey, Dad!
Wait a minute.
That isn't my dad.
Somebody's stealing the RV!
Yeah, hi.
Is this Club Canine?
Yes, we have a dog we need picked
up and kenneled for a few days.
Yes, I'll hold.
Honey, what are you doing?
George and Alice can have him
shipped when they get to the reunion.
I'm sorry. I should've done
this a thousand miles ago.
I don't want you to have
a bad trip.
He's gonna be okay. It says here that
Club Canine has a four-biscuit rating.
- Didn't we try this already?
- Yeah, but this time he's gonna stay.
Yeah. He's 185 pounds.
No, I'm not kidding.
Hold on a second.
Brennan, what's going...
Oh, hello.
Dad, someone just
stole the RV!
- What?
- Sara was in it!
She said that Beethoven was lonely,
so she went to keep him company.
I should've told you, Dad.
I'm sorry.
What?
- Richard!
- I found it!
Who told you we'd get
it? You did, Tommy.
Who's the man?
You are, Tommy.
Shhh. Beethoven.
Maybe they won't
know we're here.
Go check it out.
I don't want to.
Check it out! Go!
Did you fnd
anything useful?
Seventy-three empty coffee cups in
the car. The car's a hunk of junk.
Well, we know that. Who
are they? What do they want?
Who's chasing them down to get my
little girl back? Calm down, Mr. Newton.
We've got every unit
in the area looking for 'em.
We don't even know if your
daughter's in the motor home.
I just told you so! Mr. Newton,
we're doing everything we can.
No, you're not!
Hey! What are you doing?
What are you doing?
I'm going after my
little girl. Hang on!
Go, Dad! Yeah!
Be a man, William!
Doggie night-night time.
Oh, my God!
We're kidnappers.
Tommy, you never said nothing
about us being kidnappers!
Shut up.
You're babbling.
Stop babbling and let me
think. Think about what?
We are going to jail!
Panicking is not allowed!
Tommy, you said nobody
was gonna get hurt!
Well, no one has been hurt,
so shut up!
- No, no, you shut up!
- No, you shut up!
- You shut up!
- No, you shut up!
- You shut up!
- You first! You shut up!
La-la-la, can't hear you.
Can't listen to you.
You know, you're gonna get
in a lot of trouble for this.
- Yeah.
- Okay, might as well go Code Three.
Go ahead, floor it.
Stop this,
or I'm telling your mom!
Stop it now!
I'm gonna... be taking...
a nice little nap.
When we catch up, are you gonna
shoot out the tires or something?
You watch too much television.
We can't risk hurting the girl.
What should I do?
Get up ahead of'em
and slam on the brakes.
What?
Stop! You're going too fast!
You're gonna crash us!
You should've thought of that
before you tried to stow away.
And before you tried to steal the
operating system from me, little girl!
Or should I say...
"secret agent"?
Beethoven, he's crazy!
William!
Will...
Ah. Toro!
Toro, come on. Come on.
Come on. You want some of this.
Go get him, Beethoven!
Come on!
Stop it! He's hot!
You want a piece of me?
William, get out here!
William, get out here!
God, we're moving. William!
We're gonna crash!
Get... Stay down!
Beethoven, get up!
Beethoven!
Beethoven, please... sit!
No! No! Stand! No!
Oh, my God!
No, don't sit!
Good boy!
Whoa!
- Sara!
- Daddy!
Daddy! Daddy!
Honey, I'm so sorry
we didn't believe you.
Beethoven saved me,
Daddy. Yes, he did. He did.
Hey, she's okay.
Beethoven,
I was wrong about you.
You are a hero.
Oh, honey, I love you.
Hang around.
You're under arrest.
I want a large black coffee...
and two sugars.
And can you make it fast?
You will not arrest me. You will
give us only a parking ticket.
You are getting sleepy.
Lock him up, tight.
Sleepy. You are sleepy.
You are all sleepy.
Watch your head.
What did they want with us?
This. It's got a stolen
computer code on it.
It's a shame.
This was a good movie.
Don Knotts gave
the performance of his career.
You know he put on weight
for that role? He did?
I saw it once at a drive-in
when I was a kid.
My dad took us across country
in an RV once.
Not as nice as
your dad's rig, though.
Mr. Newton...
you think you can avoid
borrowing any more squad cars?
- I think so.
- Have a nice trip.
Thank you, sir.
Okay, come on, guys.
Let's go.
We're almost there.
Come on, guys, cheer up. At least we
got to spend two weeks with Beethoven.
It's not like we're
never gonna see him again.
Hey, this will give us a good excuse
to visit Uncle George and Aunt Alice.
Right?
Throw it!
I didn't buy it, either. Okay, let's fnd
George and Alice and get this over with.
Come on, honey.
Richard! Richard!
Beth, hey!
Uncle Morrie!
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Ah, you look good. You look
good, Richard. Hey, you too.
Hey, wear this. Give me
a little hug there.
Ahhh. And the kids... Look at
the kids. I can't believe it.
Five years, and look at you
guys. You're all grown up.
Hey, have George and Alice
and the kids arrived yet?
Oh, I gotta tell you
about that.
Georgie called and said he's no gonna
be able to make it to the reunion.
- They're not coming?
- No. They had a problem in "Bratisloba. "
Somewhere.
Business-wise.
And they're gonna have to extend
their visit for at least another year.
What?
And so he asked me to ask
you if you wouldn't mind...
taking care of the dog
until they get back.
He said he'd pay
for everything.
George?
My brother said this?
Said he'd pay
for everything.
We'd be happy
to take care of Beethoven.
Good. Happy to hear you say
that. Uh, something else.
You remember your cousins,
uh, Ted and Sally?
Sure. They live an hour away
from us in Colorado Springs.
They had to leave in a big hurry.
I mean, the hot dogs weren't...
- Really?
- Anyway, since you're going to be passing their house,
they thought maybe you could
drop something off for them.
Sure we can. Wait. What is it?
Tiny! Baron!
Cool!
No. No, no.
No, no, no.
It's okay.
It'll be great for you.
You're doing great.
No, I'm not.
# On the road again #
# Just can't wait
to get on the road again #
# I found love is making
music with my friends #
# And I can't wait
to get on the road again #
# On the road again #
# Going places
that I've never been #
# Seeing things that
I may never see again #
# And I can't wait
to get on the road again #
# On the road again
Like a band of gypsies... #
You live in Denver? You're
kidding? What school do you go to?
Ridgecrest High.
You too? No way. Really?
# And our way
is on the road again #
Is your little sister
videotaping us?
- Sara!
- I gotta document everything!
# I found love is making
music with my friends... #
Beethoven, not the toilet!
Sara!
Get away, Sara!
# On the road again... #
Here, Brennan.
Yeah, like this.
Wait a minute.
Don't break things. Stop.
Wait a minute.
Oh, my God.
How come everybody's
hitting me?
Beethoven, help me!
Help me!
I'm recording this.
Honey, this is great.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm not cleaning this up!
You better control yourselves!