Beethoven's Christmas Adventure (2011) Movie Script
1
NARRATOR: 'Twas three nights before
Christmas at the magical North Pole,
and all the new elves had gathered
round Santa to be given their roles.
"Toy-making elf!"
Santa decreed to the first one in line,
and to the next, and the next,
and the next 209.
But when Santa came to the last elf standing there,
something very different
he was to declare!
"Stable elf!" he proclaimed,
expecting a cheer.
"You'll be the one in charge
of all things reindeer.
"You'll talk to them
and make them all fly.
"The sole keeper
of the magic berries
"that carry them
into the sky."
But a cheer
he did not receive.
Nor a smile,
nor a chuckle.
Instead, poor Henry's
knees started to buckle.
"I don't like reindeer," he protested,
"Or any animal, I mean,
"they slobber and shed
and are so very unclean."
But Santa's mind was made up,
that much was clear.
So that night,
Henry came up with a plan,
to change his career.
He would make a toy of his own as a secret surprise.
One that will force the big man
to see him with new eyes!
But Henry's toy-making skills
were a long way from strong
and before he knew it,
things went wronger than wrong!
Now, reindeer
are well-trained.
They can sit,
stay and heel.
But that doesn't mean
they'll pass up a free meal.
Henry tried to stop
them from floating away,
but only succeeded in
falling into the sleigh.
It was a disaster,
a catastrophe, a tangled mess
that might never
have been unwoven,
that is, were it not for a big,
sloppy dog named Beethoven.
MASON: Hot chocolate,
get your hot chocolate!
lt's low in fat
and 100 % organic.
At least... Not really.
(HORN HONKlNG)
(BARKlNG)
CHRlSTlNE: Mason!
Hey, Mom.
Hot chocolate?
Goes to a good cause,
teenagers whose mom's won't buy
them what they want for Christmas.
Yeah, l think l'm going to stick with my own cause,
moms who think there are more productive uses
of teenager's time
than video games.
How's it going anyway?
Like Grandpa,
after the divorce.
A big opportunity
just came up at work,
and l'm gonna need
your help with this.
(WHlMPERlNG)
Oh!
Oh, Jesus! Oh, no, no, no!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
(GRUNTS)
Get off me!
Come here, come here.
(COMMANDlNG BEETHOVEN)
Okay, okay.
Don't worry,
l think that just means he likes you.
Yeah? Well, the feeling
is definitely not mutual!
What's this drool machine
doing here anyway?
You don't recognize him?
This is Beethoven.
He stayed in town to
star in my commercial.
l need you to watch him while
l get everything else ready.
Watch him? But, Mom,
l don't even like dogs
and it's Christmas break,
l got my own stuff to do.
Can we talk about this later?
l really have a lot l've got to get done.
Yeah, whatever.
Okay!
Here is his bed.
lt's in his contract,
he has to have it handy anytime he needs it.
Mom, really,
l'm working here,
let it be handy at home.
Okay, sweetie.
Rapidly maturing
son of mine.
Oh, sorry!
Don't look so glum!
How many other kids your age get
to hang out with a celebrity dog?
Celebrity dog?
Yeah, well,
that's really gonna help me sell hot chocolate.
(CAR DOOR CLOSES)
(CAR STARTlNG)
Come, get your
picture taken
with the world-famous
celebrity dog, Beethoven!
lt makes a great
Christmas gift.
ls that really
Beethoven?
Wow. He looks so much
more slobbery in person.
Hi! (LAUGHlNG)
Here you go.
l have to give that to my nephew,
he just loves Beethoven!
Thank you.
Next, please!
(lNAUDlBLE)
Guess you can do a lot more than just drool,
can't you?
(HENRY SCREAMlNG)
(BARKS)
Beethoven, quiet down.
You don't want to scare off the customers.
Wait!
Beethoven, stop!
What's gotten into you?
(ALL EXCLAlMlNG)
Don't worry,
we'll be back. Beethoven!
(GRUNTS)
l'm sorry.
God!
Ho, ho. Merry Christmas!
There you go.
Thank you.
Merry Christmas.
(EXCLAlMlNG)
Ho, ho, ho... Uh-oh.
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Was that Beethoven?
(BEETHOVEN BARKlNG)
Ow!
Stupid mutt!
Hey, l think
that's Beethoven!
Who?
Beethoven,
the world-famous dog.
Come on, let's get
this stuff inside.
There's only two more shopping days until Christmas
and l want to squeeze every last penny out of this place.
(GRUNTS)
Go, come on.
All right,
l'm going.
(HENRY SCREAMlNG)
Stop it! Stop doing that!
Stop! No, no. No, don't!
(EXCLAlMS)
No!
Oh!
(SCREAMlNG)
Hey, get back here!
Don't tell Santa, okay?
(EXCLAlMlNG)
(BEETHOVEN BARKlNG)
What in the...
Hey, hey!
Listen, dog, can you, uh,
go get help?
Can you go get your owner,
or anybody? Just do it quickly, okay?
Beethoven!
(PANTlNG)
Wow. That actually worked!
Beethoven, what's gotten into
you?
(HENRY CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Hey, um, do you think you could, uh,
help me out of this tree?
lt's kind of an...
(GRUNTlNG)
...emergency!
Um. What if l do something to break your fall?
What!
Break my fall?
Maybe we can find a solution
that doesn't involve the words "break" and "fall!"
(SCREAMlNG)
(GRUNTlNG)
(WHlMPERS)
(HENRY GROANlNG)
(CHUCKLES)
Um... Uh...
Uh, Mason.
Mason, okay.
Can l ask,
why are you dressed
like a Christmas elf
and what were you
doing in that tree?
Well, l'm dressed like a Christmas elf because
l'm a Christmas elf!
(LAUGHS)
And, um, as for the tree,
let's just say it had something to do with reindeer,
Santa's sleigh,
and the fact that l'm probably never
allowed in the North Pole again.
Okay, well, um, it was
really nice to meet you
and, uh, we really have
to get going, okay?
So, uh, come on, Beethoven.
Let's go. Let's go.
Great job, Beethoven.
Got me rescuing an insane guy dressed like an elf.
(BEETHOVEN BARKlNG)
Look, wait!
(GRUNTS)
Wait!
ANNOUNCER: This Christmas,
Beethoven wants you all to consider
giving the gift you
can't find in a store.
Rescue a pet from a shelter and give
someone a home for the holidays.
And please become a monthly donor to the ASPCA.
(ANNOUNCER READlNG)
Well, what do you think?
l think l like it.
Really?
Really!
Christine, l think you hit this
one right out of the dog park.
Thank you for this opportunity.
Hold on a second!
What if l was
to tell you,
that l have another possible
promotional opportunity for Beethoven.
What are you
talking about?
Well, l spoke with
the mayor this morning.
He told me that the town Christmas
parade this year is going to be televised.
Anyway, he wants Beethoven to be
the Grand Marshal of the parade.
lsn't that fantastic?
This could be an enormous opportunity,
for the firm and for you.
But Beethoven's
expected home.
Don't you worry
about that.
l've already made arrangements with his owners
for all those details.
Cooper, if you do
a good job on this,
l think we can pretty much
guarantee that promotion is yours.
What do you say?
You up for it?
Absolutely, Mr. Rexford.
Thank you.
Wait. Wait. Look.
Look. Hey, l need your
help all right? Okay?
Um. Look, l don't know
anyone else here
and l really don't
know where "here" is!
And Santa's gonna be
really upset if l don't...
Okay, look. l'm not
a six-year-old kid anymore.
l know that there's no such thing as Santa Claus.
(SCOFFS)
Yes, there is!
And l have to get his magic
toy bag back before Christmas.
l think what you need to find is a good psychiatrist.
Maybe a whole
team of them.
What? No! No, no, no,
l'm telling the truth!
(BARKlNG)
Ha! See, your dog believes me.
(LAUGHS)
He must've saw me fall out of the sleigh,
didn't you, boy?
Where did they
get him?
What if l can prove
that l can understand
what this drool
machine is saying?
How are you gonna do that?
By talking to him.
All right.
Let's see what
we have here. Okay.
"Reindeer, Snow Bunny,
Polar Bear, Weasel,
"Bank Executive?
Oh, dog!" Here we go!
Talk about dog breath.
All right,
so, Beethoven,
tell me something about Mason
that only you would know.
Okay, l'll play along,
but you're crazier than a calico on catnip
if you really think you're gonna be
able to understand what l'm saying!
l can understand you
perfectly, Beethoven.
You're kidding me, right?
Wait, wait, wait.
Am l on that Animal Planet show
where they play pranks on stupid...
No, no! You're not on any show, Beethoven.
All right?
Just tell me something
about Mason, will you?
Okay, okay.
l've only been talking to people for about 30 seconds,
so sorry if l'm
a little distracted!
By the way, you wouldn't
happen to have any
sugar cookies
on you, would you?
Beethoven!
Sorry, sorry.
Okay, something about Mason.
Hmm.
l don't know too much about him,
but here goes.
(BARKlNG)
That's a little exploitive.
Okay. What did he say?
(SCOFFS) Only that you were selling
his picture without his permission
andlor giving him a cut!
(BEETHOVEN GROWLlNG)
Yeah, he usually gets 25 %
of all ancillary income.
Paid in bones, of course.
So, you're telling me
there really is
a Santa Claus?
Uh, duh.
Not just some dopes who act out
a fantasy for little kids every year?
That's right.
And you're a bonafide
Christmas elf?
Not just some whacko who just got out of the nuthouse.
Tell you what,
just call me Henry.
This is surreal.
His jacket totally clashes with his knickers.
Totally!
Come on,
you got to let me try it. No!
No, l am sorry, man.
That's one thing Santa is very clear on.
Christmas magic is not to be used
outside any non-North Pole employee.
Something to do with,
like, liability
or insurance,
something like that.
Look, forget that.
We have bigger problems, all right?
lf l don't find Santa's toy bag
before 12:00 on Christmas Eve,
then he won't have enough time to deliver
the presents on Christmas morning!
And then l'll get
stripped of my bells.
Trust me,
that's a really bad thing up on the North Pole.
(EXHALES) Midnight,
Christmas Eve, right?
That gives us just over 48 hours.
(BEETHOVEN BARKS)
That should be
plenty of time.
l hope so.
l would hate to see
what would happen
if that bag ended up
in the wrong hands!
Honey, they have
Red Rover.
l can't believe it.
All the other stores are sold out!
Wait a second.
ls this right? $99.99?
Why, yes! l just
priced it myself.
We thought it was
supposed to be more
in the price-range
of 20 bucks.
Pro-model, 25 extra sounds.
Sings with his very own online app-store.
lt's the only thing Charlie asked for this year.
(SlGHS)
Pro-model,
highway robbery!
Keep the penny.
Suckers!
(LAUGHlNG)
They couldn't
find it anywhere else
because we stole it from everywhere else!
Right, boss?
Ow!
Shut up!
This is our best scheme yet and l'm
not going to let your loose lips sink it.
And what the heck
are you wearing?
lt's an elf costume.
Like they wear at the North Pole.
l know it's an elf costume, half-wit.
What l want to know is why are you wearing it?
l thought it would
help with business.
You know that cell phone store down the street?
They've got a guy out front dressed as a cell phone.
Only it's Christmas and we don't sell cell phones.
So l figured...
Ow! Ah!
Shut up. First of all,
you're an idiot.
Second of all,
you're an idiot.
Third of all, look around.
Business is doing just fine.
ln fact, this might be my best scam
since "Most Wanted Mopeds."
Ooh! Or even "Most Wanted
Kitchen Appliances."
ln fact, l think
it might be time
for another one of our midnight shopping sprees.
(BOTH LAUGHlNG)
Okay, you hit Toy
Bonanza on Route 30.
They should be
restocked by now.
And l'll check out Oy What A
Toy on Nazareth Boulevard.
And take that
stupid costume off!
You look ridiculous.
The woman at
the Halloween store...
Who charged you $40.
...said l looked
fashionably festive.
Mmm.
No. A cheap
knock-off, at best.
Hey!
Sorry, everyone,
we're closing a bit early today.
Please take your purchases to the
check-out counter now. (LAUGHlNG)
That's right, move along.
(CHRlSTMAS JlNGLE PLAYlNG)
Elves wear tights
and elves wear tunics
Elves are Santa's
little eunuchs
Freaks of nature.
(TlRES SCREECHlNG)
What the...
lnconsiderates!
Leaving their junk right in the middle of the street.
(SCREAMlNG)
That's twice in one day
with the same foot!
What the heck
is in here anyway?
Toys.
What?
What the...
(LAUGHS)
Groovy.
(EXCLAlMS)
l'll be ho, ho, hoed!
(DlALlNG ON CELL PHONE)
KENNY: Most Wanted Toys,
may I help you?
Yeah.
Cancel the toy ride!
Okay.
l think l just found a whole new source of inventory.
Whatever you say, boss.
(LAUGHS)
(DOG BARKlNG)
What are you looking at?
Finders, keepers!
(BARKS)
(WHlMPERS)
(WHlMPERS)
(TlRES SQUEALlNG)
(WHlMPERS AGAlN)
HENRY: Mmm.
So this is
called pizza?
(WHlMPERS)
lt's delicious! l mean,
it could use a little bit more nutmeg,
but, hey,
everything could use a little bit more nutmeg.
(LAUGHS)
So, what do you guys
eat at the North Pole?
Well, mostly
milk and cookies
'cause, you know, Santa
draws up the menu and...
Um, how about the lnternet?
Do you guys have that?
We have the Winternet.
Freezes up a lot, though.
Uh, do you guys
go to school?
We are supposed to,
but every day is a snow day.
(LAUGHS)
Holy...
(BARKS)
You know,
l have to admit l thought you would be shorter.
Yeah, it's a common
misconception,
but l'm pretty average
as far as elf-sizes go.
l am member of
the National Association
for the Advancement
of Larger Elves.
What else do we have wrong?
Do elves really make toys?
Uh...
Well, yeah,
all of us do like...
We wouldn't be elves if we didn't make toys, right?
What about the whole talking-to-animals thing?
Do all elves do that?
Well, yeah.
Each and every
one of us do.
Definitely not just the stable elves.
Stable elves.
What are stable elves?
Oh. Nothing special.
l mean, uh,
nothing important.
Hello, Mason, Beethoven,
and Christmas elf.
Mason, is this
a friend of yours?
Uh, no, you actually had
it right the first time.
This is Henry and, well,
he is a real-life Christmas elf.
(HENRY CLEARS THROAT)
Greetings from the North Pole,
my lady.
Your son was kind enough to
help me look for Santa's toy bag.
Yeah, it fell off the sleigh while
we were passing over your town.
Santa's toy bag?
l know what you are thinking, Mom,
but it's true.
l mean,
Beethoven must've seen him fly across the sky.
And, well, let's
just say that
nobody is going to get any presents if we don't help him.
Ah!
Okay, l see
what's going on.
Look, l appreciate you playing
along with my son's little game,
but l am very busy
tonight and l just
don't have the energy
to play along.
No, Mom,
it's not a game.
Look, Mason.
l know you are still upset
that l'm not going to buy you
the MegaStation,
but really,
getting somebody from
the Christmas setup
at the mall to play
a prank on me?
What? Mom,
this isn't a prank.
He really needs our help.
Look, l hate to be rude,
but hope you can find your own
way back to the North Pole.
Oh.
Oh, yes. Uh...
(LAUGHlNG NERVOUSLY)
(MOUTHlNG)
(BEETHOVEN BARKS)
Well, merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
(HENRY GlGGLES)
Really, Mason?
Christmas elf?
Hey. l'm sorry about that.
l don't know why l thought she'd help.
You must be
freezing out here.
Are you kidding me?
Man, compared
to the North Pole,
this feels like
the Caribbean!
Well, l think l got some place you
can stay until we find your bag.
Sweet.
So this is the best l could
do on such short notice.
l know it's not
like the Four Seasons.
There's four seasons?
Huh!
Hey, are those Christmas decorations?
Uh, yeah.
My mom didn't really have time
to decorate the house this year.
Hmm.
l am highly
offended by this.
(GASPS) No way!
ls this a toy workbench?
What?
Not exactly.
That's my dad's,
but we did build a toy or two on it.
Hey! ls this him?
Maybe he can
help us look.
Um...
My dad died last year.
l'm so sorry.
lt's okay. Anyway...
Here you go.
(LAUGHS)
First thing tomorrow morning,
we'll start looking for Santa's toy bag.
"Santa's toy bag."
l can't believe those words
just came out of my mouth.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Sure hope being a toy-making elf is worth all this.
(BARKlNG)
Hmm? What's going on?
What's this?
Your special dog bed?
(LAUGHS)
Okay.
What did you bring
it in here for?
You look like you could use it more than me.
Besides no one likes
an ungrateful elf.
Okay, okay, l'll
try it out. Geez.
Attitude.
Oh...
(EXCLAlMlNG WlTH JOY)
Lay down with dogs,
wake up with angels. (LAUGHS)
This is actually more comfortable
than my bed at the North Pole.
Thank you, Beethoven.
No problem, kid.
Well, all right. Okay.
Want some cover?
All right, here we go.
(FARTS)
(SNlFFlNG)
Oh, come on, man.
lt's endless.
(LAUGHlNG EVlLLY)
(GASPS)
Endless!
This Santa guy has got a real good racket going on.
Wow.
Where did you get
all this great stuff?
l told you,
from Santa's magic toy bag.
lsn't that the new
place on Sycamore?
No. Santa's
magic toy bag.
His actual magic toy bag.
You know, it would
really be nice
if you could give me a straight answer once in a while.
lt's really insulting.
l am supposedly
your partner.
lf you want me to do your laundry for you,
why don't you just ask?
Would you like that folded,
or on hangers?
Would you please
give me that?
And why don't you get
started pricing stuff?
And didn't l tell you to take that stupid costume off?
Yeah, but l enjoy
being an elf.
Plus it's kind of slimming,
don't you think?
No.
Wait a minute.
That costume might come in handy tomorrow after all.
Tomorrow?
What are we doing tomorrow?
Advertising, Kenny.
A little good old-fashioned advertising.
(LAUGHS EVlLLY)
(BOTH CHUCKLlNG)
Miss Jingle,
you didn't tell me we are under a mistletoe. Come on.
Miss Jingle, have you been
snacking on some liver?
(EXCLAlMS)
Morning, elf.
You know what?
You really got to stop doing things like that, dog.
All right? l know
it's time to wake up,
but you could've
just said something.
l'm a dog.
l still like to lick.
Dog!
Do you mind?
Do you mind?
(GRUNTlNG)
Ooh, tug-of-war.
l love this game.
Beethoven, we need
a plan, all right?
l mean,
how am l supposed to find a toy bag
in a whole town?
lt could be anywhere.
l got a pretty good
sniffer you know.
You got anything l might be able to catch a scent from?
(GASPS) Here.
Try this.
Got it. Let's roll.
Wait a minute.
Are you one of those FBl,
like, sniffer dogs?
Come on. What are
you waiting for?
(BEETHOVEN BARKS)
(HENRY SCREAMlNG)
Wait! Wait up!
Come on, elf.
Don't they do cardio in the North Pole?
Hey, Mason,
good morning.
Morning, Mom.
You're up early.
Didn't exactly
go to sleep.
Gotta get this model to the builders by tomorrow
if l want Beethoven's float
ready for the parade.
Come here.
Tell me what you think.
Okay.
Okay, so, Beethoven
is going to sit
in this oversized
director's chair,
and then l have hired carolers
to stand around him and sing.
Got the Hollywood sign
in the background.
And then we're going
to have search lights
and flash bulbs go
off like paparazzi.
What do you think?
ls it glitzy enough for a star like Beethoven?
Uh...
l guess.
Come on, kiddo,
l really want to know what you think.
This is important.
lf l do well on it,
l get that promotion.
And then you'll be working even longer hours.
Mason, l know this hasn't been easy on you,
but this promotion is really important to our family.
Yeah, okay.
Uh, Mom, where
are you going?
Well, the glue
has to dry.
l'll stick it in the garage
till tomorrow morning.
Stop.
You... You can't go in there.
What? Mason, come on.
(STAMMERlNG) No, it's
your Christmas present.
What? Uh, yeah,
l put it there last night
so l don't want
you to see it.
l was in there last night.
l didn't see anything.
That's because it got delivered this morning.
No, not this morning.
lt got delivered late last night.
Last night is when...
Mason, cut it out. Move.
Uh, Mom, l'm so... Okay.
Uh...
Mom, l think that
we should just, uh...
Uh, let's, uh...
Let's be in the garage. Uh...
Just us.
lt's always hardest
around the holidays, huh?
Tell you what, why don't l see if l can
get out of work a little early tonight?
We can go have a nice dinner together.
How's that sound?
Yeah, it sounds great.
Now try to stay out of here for the next 24 hours.
That goes double
for Beethoven,
speaking of which,
where is he anyway?
Uh, he's, um, in my room.
He actually slept
in my bed last night.
Really? Thought you
didn't like dogs.
Yeah, but l think he is kind of growing on me.
Didn't you have to
get to work, Mom?
Yeah. Yeah.
Got to pitch my float idea to Mr.
Rexford.
Hey, keep an eye on
Beethoven for me, will you?
Of course.
l won't let him out of my sight.
Thanks, Mason.
l'll just have
to find him first.
HENRY: Merry Christmas.
Jingle, jingle and
a ho to the ho, ho, ho.
You know, Beethoven,
you must be really famous.
'Cause it seems
like every person
that lays eyes on you
is just left speechless.
Yeah, l've done
a few things.
Hey, hey,
you still have the scent? Yep.
Okay, good.
Good, good, good.
You know, when l was
stuck in that tree,
l never expected l'd be rescued by a dog,
you know?
Especially not one like you,
but actually l'm glad that it happened.
Got it. Let's go.
(GROANS)
(BEETHOVEN BARKlNG)
Hey, Beethoven.
(GRUNTlNG)
Oh! Hey, listen, if you let me borrow this,
l will make sure
Santa brings you one twice as good for Christmas.
Please? Please? Please?
Please? No. No. No. No.
l said please!
Thank you.
Merry Christmas. Whoo!
l'll bring it back later.
Help! The elves
have turned on us.
Ho, ho, ho
Ho, ho, ho
So come on down and visit me,
Sylvester Smirch
And Crazy Kenny
Here at Most
Most
Wanted
Wanted
Toys
Mattresses
Where you will find...
Uh, boss?
What?
We're right in the middle of a commercial.
Yes, l know, but you sang,
"Most Wanted Mattresses."
l most certainly did not.
Actually, you did.
l... But...
All right,
let's do it again.
Mattresses
Toys
Mattresses
Toys
Mattress... Toys
Toys
Mattresses
Toys
(GRUNTS)
(BEETHOVEN BARKlNG)
What the...
A Christmas elf.
A Christmas elf.
HENRY: Slow down.
Slow down.
Boss, where are you going?
(GRUNTS) Got you.
Come here.
(EXCLAlMS)
That is the greatest
elf costume.
Where did you get it?
Oh, thank you.
You know, Mrs.
Claus made it, so, uh... (LAUGHS)
(BARKlNG)
BEETHOVEN: Hang on.
(SCREAMlNG)
(EXCLAlMlNG)
BEETHOVEN: Excuse me!
(EXCLAlMlNG)
Everybody, limbo!
Beethoven!
Kenny, shut up and listen.
Meet me on the west side of the pavilion.
The west side.
Look at a map!
Beethoven.
Beethoven, stop.
Slow it down.
Slow it down.
l'm scared. l'm scared.
Stop, slow down.
Slow it down. Beethoven.
(PEOPLE EXCLAlMlNG)
SMlRCH: Coming through.
(SCREAMlNG)
Fresh kielbasa sausage.
Get it fresh here.
Try some.
Try some kielbasa sausage.
(PEOPLE EXCLAlMlNG)
(SCREAMlNG)
MAN: You okay?
KENNY: Hey, boss. Hop in.
Drive, moron. Drive!
l don't know what's worse.
Looking for Beethoven.
Looking for a Christmas elf.
(BARKlNG)
(WHlMPERlNG)
Hey, you stuck?
Here. Let me
help you with that.
There you go.
Got to be more
careful next time.
(BARKS)
All right.
Go home. Go. Shoo!
Come on now, go.
What, don't you have a home?
You're not a stray,
are you?
Well, even if you are,
what do you want me to do about it?
l already have one dog that l don't want this week.
(BARKS)
Go.
Whatever, pooch.
What?
What?
Oh, hey, boy.
Boy, it's not your fault.
(LAUGHS)
(DOG BARKS) Hey,
l've been looking all over for you.
Hey, when did you
get another dog?
What? Oh.
No, l didn't.
lt's just a stray that won't stop following me.
A stray? Well,
what's a stray?
What? Don't you guys have
strays in the North Pole?
They are these dogs...
Actually, forget it.
Just tell me.
Did you guys find
the toy bag or not?
We tracked down
the guy who has the bag,
but it seems he doesn't really want to give it up.
Does that mean you
actually saw his face?
'Cause then maybe we can get a description.
This is a pretty small town.
Maybe l can recognize him.
l didn't really
get a good look.
But maybe Beethoven did.
No, sorry, amigo.
No?
Now this is
just ridiculous.
l mean,
someone had to see a man pick up a magic toy bag.
(BARKlNG)
l saw him. l saw him.
He barked at me.
What was that?
l got a good look at him.
He was a mean-looking dude.
(STAMMERlNG)
Wait, what's he saying?
He's saying
that he saw him.
(BOTH LAUGHlNG)
Attaboy!
Ready for me,
Mr. Rexford?
Ready as a rooster.
Come on in, Cooper.
New hobby?
No, new client.
This is the new
X-980 rocket.
You build it, you paint it,
you launch it.
l like to familiarize myself with all
the products that we promote.
How is our new
float coming along?
Oh, it's great.
l've got some really good ideas l want to hit you with.
Good. You just float
'em right on by me.
Well, since Beethoven's
a big movie star,
l was thinking put him
on a Hollywood-themed float.
You know,
with flavors of Christmas naturally.
Christmas. Yes, yes, yes.
l see it in
my mind's eye.
Peacocks and men in togas.
Or l was thinking,
flash bulbs and sprigs of holly.
Oh, that's even better.
That's a great idea.
Total win-win.
Great.
Only one problem.
What's that?
l want another win.
Excuse me?
That's right, Cooper.
l wanna do something that we've never done before.
l want a win-win-win.
Okay. How do we
get the third win?
We go nationwide with this.
We get every man,
woman and child and chipmunk alive
to watch that
parade tomorrow.
You want chipmunks
to be watching?
Well, no, that's
just an expression.
l really don't
think it is.
What l want you to do
is press-release that float
like you have never press-released anything before.
You get it out to all the major
outlets by tomorrow morning.
You're gonna want to
word it just properly
so you're gonna have to put
in a few extra hours tonight.
You up for it?
Good, Cooper,
because that is how you get a win-win-win.
(WOMAN EXCLAlMS)
Oops.
We're not supposed
to be here again,
but l don't want
to risk my mom
coming home before we
get the sketch done.
There should be a drawing pad in here somewhere.
BEETHOVEN: Okay.
Who's hungry?
l am. l am.
Hey, wait.
So are you telling me
there's really animals
with no homes?
Yeah, a lot of them.
l don't get it.
Why don't people just take them in?
l don't know.
lt is pretty crummy
if you think about it.
Don't you have stray animals at the North Pole?
(SCOFFS) No. None.
ln fact, as a stable elf,
it's my job...
Stable elf?
Oops.
l thought you said you
were a toy-making elf.
What l meant to say
was stable elves,
it's their job to make sure that the
animals in the North Pole have homes,
but, you know,
l'm not one.
Nice recovery, elf.
Anyways, if this guy
didn't have a home,
then where did he come from?
l don't want to
talk about it.
l don't know.
He probably escaped from the pound or something.
What's a pound?
lt's where they put animals
who are lost or have no homes.
l don't think it's supposed to be such a nice place either.
Trust me. lt isn't.
Why? Don't worry, boy.
You're with us now. Yeah.
Hey, don't get his hopes up.
l can't adopt him.
(WHlMPERS)
What? But he chose you.
Chose me? (SCOFFS)
What do you
mean chose me?
(WHlNlNG)
You better do
some talking, bub.
Well, this one stable elf l know told me
that, uh,
people don't really choose their animals.
lt's the other way around.
And it looks to me as
if you've been chosen.
Well, l don't want to
be chosen, all right?
l don't understand.
l just don't want
a dog, okay?
l mean, it'll probably just end up getting sick,
or run off anyway.
Oh.
l understand.
Um, that would be hard.
(HORN HONKS)
Hey, my mom's here.
Okay.
l'm supposed to go out to dinner with her.
So that should give you plenty
of time to get the sketch done.
Mason, l'm home!
Hey, Mom.
Honey.
Don't tell me you were outside in the cold.
What? Uh, yeah, l was
going to shovel
the back walk.
What are you up to?
Up to?
l'm not up to anything.
Can't a son just
shovel a sidewalk
for his mom
without being asked?
Not usually.
But l appreciate it.
And have l thanked you yet
for your help with Beethoven?
Speaking of which,
how is our celebrity guest anyway?
He's great.
Been a real big help actually.
A help?
Help with what?
Making this the most
memorable Christmas ever.
Anyway, um, ready to go?
Go. Go where?
Uh...
You said we were going
out for dinner tonight.
Oh, sweetie, sorry.
Something came up.
Let me guess, at work?
Yeah.
Mr. Rexford liked
my float idea so much
that he wants me to
do a press release.
Maximize coverage,
you know?
Yeah. l understand.
No problem.
Honey, when this
all blows over,
l'll make it up
to you, l promise.
We'll do something fun for the
Martin Luther King weekend.
Swell.
l'll break out the civil rights decorations.
HENRY: Tell you what?
How about we just get started?
His eyes. Can you
describe them to me?
Were they, uh, big
and round like...
Cookies.
Beethoven, you didn't even see his face,
how do you know what
his eyes look like?
What? Oh, no,
l was just saying l'd like some treats.
Bet the little guy would, too.
Wouldn't you, pal?
l guess l'm
a little hungry.
Listen, we don't have time for treats right now.
Are you kidding?
There's always time for treats.
This is serious, okay?
So is this.
We're hungry. Yeah.
l've been running
around all day
and not once did anyone offer me so much as a biscuit.
l may be a Saint Bernard,
but that doesn't mean l'm a saint.
And who knows when the last time this little guy ate?
A week ago, Tuesday.
By the way,
that's another part about being a stray.
You skip a lot of meals.
He makes a very
good point, you know?
l think we just
about got him.
Hey, you know what would really put him over the edge?
What's that?
Puppy-dog eyes.
Okay. Come on.
On three.
One, two, three...
(DOG WHlMPERlNG)
Okay. Okay.
(GROANS)
Let me see what
l can do for you guys.
Okay. Let's see.
Ah, here we go.
Look. Okay.
This is all l got, okay?
All natural.
Good for elves and good for animals, too.
One for you
and one for you.
Mmm.
Oh, boy.
These are the yummiest things l've ever eaten.
(DOGS BURPlNG)
Guys.
You shouldn't
have got me started.
You see, Henry,
it's quite natural.
There are billions
of tiny bacterium
in our intestines
to help digestion.
Unfortunately, these bacteria also
release gases such as methane
which prompt the expulsion,
a.k.a. burps.
Put simply,
the excess gas in our stomach
can't all be taken
in and processed.
That's what she said.
So, it must ultimately
be released through the mouth.
(FARTS)
Among other places.
(WHlMPERlNG)
(FARTS SOFTLY)
(BOTH FARTlNG)
Very classy, Beethoven.
Yeah, well,
l'm studying to be a doctor when the acting dries up.
Not me.
l'm gonna be a canine gas-expulsion expert.
(FARTlNG CONTlNUES)
Can we please
just get started?
Sure thing, elf.
(CHUCKLES)
(FARTS AGAlN)
Geez.
All right.
Here we go. Ready?
Now, uh, can you
describe him to me?
Was his face round like a
snowman or thin like Jack Frost?
STRAY: l don't really
know who Jack Frost is,
but he definitely didn't look like a snowman.
ls something burning?
(BEETHOVEN BARKlNG)
ls it getting a little warm in here?
(EXCLAlMlNG)
BEETHOVEN:
Every dog for himself!
STRAY: Watch it.
My mom's model!
Henry, what did you do?
We didn't do anything.
Just get out of here.
l'll handle it.
Mason! Mason,
is something on fire?
Uh...
Oops.
Really, Mom,
l didn't mean to do it.
Really, then what were you doing in the garage
when l specifically told you not to go in there?
And don't bother telling me that my
Christmas present was out there this time.
Okay. Look,
l was out there,
because that Christmas elf
that l brought home yesterday
was here with Beethoven.
Mason, this again?
Mom, it's true.
lt's not true.
Now l'm sorry that l have to work so much,
but punishing me for that isn't
going to make things any easier
on either one of us.
Do you understand?
l'm not punishing you.
You know what, Mason?
l don't have time for this conversation
because thanks to you,
l have a press release to write
and an entire model to rebuild
before tomorrow morning.
l'm sorry to do this to you this week,
but you're grounded.
Means you're not going to be
leaving the house until New Year's.
What? l'm grounded?
l don't know what you thought would happen,
you could've burned
the whole house down.
Well, Merry Christmas to me.
(HENRY LAUGHlNG NERVOUSLY)
Hey, sorry. Um...
Was that my fault?
Was that your fault?
Oh, boy.
Oh, here we go.
Let's see.
Did you stupidly and irresponsibly
lose the toy bag?
Yes.
Did you idiotically land in that
tree and intrude on all our lives?
Yes.
Did you moronically set fire
to my mother's float model?
Yes.
Yes, it was your fault.
l just don't see it.
Oh!
What a dumb elf!
You know what?
Never mind.
Don't worry about it.
Just please tell me that you got a good sketch.
Oh, actually, we just
finished it. Yeah.
(HENRY LAUGHS)
Yeah, little guy over there,
he's got quite some memory.
Don't you?
Yes, you do.
All right.
So, check it out.
Do you recognize him?
Actually, no.
What? This is great.
l make one mistake, one mistake,
and all this happens.
"One little mistake."
What does that mean?
Look, at this point,
l might as well just tell you the truth.
l'm not really
a toy-making elf.
You're not?
No.
l'm a stable elf.
And the whole reason l'm here is
because l was trying not to be.
Doesn't matter.
After this disaster,
l'll be lucky if Santa lets me be an elf at all.
But wait,
l don't get it.
Why don't you
wanna be a stable elf?
All of my other elf buddies,
they're all making toys.
And l'm just different.
What's so bad about
being different?
Anyone can buy
a toy from a store,
but being the one elf
who can talk to animals,
and help with Santa's
magic reindeer?
That seems pretty cool to me.
Hey, you can't sleep there.
Okay, l got to admit.
You're kind of cute.
And you look pretty comfy.
Don't get used to it, okay?
l meant what l said yesterday.
You can't stay here.
(WHlNlNG)
HENRY: That's right, Santa.
You won't be able to deliver any
presents because of me. Right?
There's always
next year, right?
Who am l kidding?
lt's Coal City for me.
Hey, don't beat
yourself up, H-man.
You're still the coolest elf l've ever met.
Of course,
you're the only elf l've ever met,
but you shouldn't let that affect the compliment.
Well, thank you, Beethoven.
Hey.
lf there were more animals like you at the North Pole,
l would be happy
to be a stable elf.
Oh, really? Come here.
Give me some sugar.
You still got to stop
doing that though.
(GROANS)
You got to get used to it.
lt's a real show of affection in the dog world.
We dogs love to lick.
SMlRCH: Ho, ho, ho
KENNY: Ho, ho, ho
Ho, ho, ho
(BARKlNG)
Quiet! You'll wake up my mom.
Visit me, Sylvester Smirch
lt's him.
lt's him.
No, no, no, no,
he's saying that
that's the guy that
stole Santa's toy bag.
Where all the hottest toys...
Will be in stock.
That's right.
It's almost as if we have an endless supply.
Oh! Oh!
That's Santa's toy bag.
We found it. Yes.
Good work, guys.
Rub my belly.
Rub my belly.
Hey, calm down, elf.
Come on, big fella,
move those big bones.
l'm coming. l'm coming.
Hold on to your whiskers.
Okay. So my mom would kill me if l
left the house while l was grounded.
So, you guys are gonna take this one yourself.
No problemo.
You know, l'm thinking
these two fur balls
can handle it
all by themselves.
You got that right, elf.
STRAY: On our way.
Operation Red Bag,
here we come.
SMlRCH ON PA:
Merry Christmas, shoppers.
Sylvester Smirch here.
Welcome to Most Wanted Toys.
Don't forget to stop by the Shop Till You Drop Corner
for the hottest
and most wanted toys.
These prices, ridiculous. Ridiculous!
But l've been to every other store in town,
they're all sold out.
This guy really does seem to have an endless supply.
Everyone, wait. Okay?
You guys cannot buy these toys.
These toys are supposed to be
going to kids all around the world.
What are you talking about?
What l'm talking about
is these toys are stolen.
(ALL GASP)
That's right.
These toys do not belong to the owner of this store.
Elf trouble.
You're saying these
toys are stolen?
They are stolen
directly from
Santa himself.
That's right, everyone.
The prices are so low,
it's as if these toys are stolen from Santa himself.
(LAUGHlNG) Just a little
viral marketing, folks!
That concludes
our 12:00 show.
Great show.
There will be additional
performances throughout the day.
What are you talking about, Smirch?
Uh, folks, please ignore Binky,
the drunken elf here.
He's had a little too much eggnog this morning.
(EXCLAlMlNG lN PAlN)
Kenny, rip these
nice people off.
l mean, ring these nice people up.
l'll be right back.
Get out.
Hey, you listen
to me, all right?
l'm not leaving here
without Santa's toy bag.
lf you're not gone in the next three minutes,
l'm gonna call the police.
And who do you think
they're going to believe?
A taxpaying merchant
with a lease and a permit
or little Mr. Fancy Pants
and his mangy-mutt parade?
Hey!
Chop-chop. Let's shop.
(GROANS)
All right. We have
to get back in there.
l wonder if they sell
chewy toys in there.
HENRY: Hey.
You see that small window in the back?
All right, here's the plan.
l can create a diversion out here
and you guys can sneak around and grab the bag.
l think l can handle that.
HENRY: But...
How am l gonna do that?
Hey, elf.
Not now, Beethoven.
Can't you hear that music?
Beethoven, seriously,
all right?
This is no time
for music, okay?
We're trying to
think of a plan here.
Music is the plan, silly.
What do you mean,
"Music is the plan"?
Come on, elf.
Get moving.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa.
(SlNGlNG JINGLE BELLS)
BEETHOVEN: Now, go.
Go. Go. Go. Go.
Whoa! Whoa!
All right,
they call you Beethoven for a reason, huh?
BEETHOVEN: Come on.
Let's go, little guy.
Right behind you.
(CONTlNUE SlNGlNG)
Hey, hey. Excuse me.
Excuse me. Hey, hey.
Um, l'm new in town and l would
love to be a part of your group.
Dude, do you ever wear
your regular clothes?
Who are you anyway?
The name's Presley.
Elfis Presley.
Anyways, um,
would you guys be interested in taking a new member?
Uh, not really.
Oh, come on.
Please. Please. Please.
Easy, Presley,
don't get your
bells in a bunch.
Just stay in tune.
Don't frighten
anyone, capisce?
Yeah.
(SlNGlNG CONTlNUES)
Here you go,
three more.
Oh, boy. Christmas carolers.
Don't even
think about it.
Just one song. l mean,
everybody loves Christmas music, right?
Wrong. Besides,
it's probably just another trick by that irritating elf.
(SCOFFS)
Come on!
An entire crowd of Christmas carolers?
l'll make you a deal,
we get to listen to one Christmas carol
and you don't have to buy me
a Christmas present this year.
l wasn't going to get you a Christmas present anyway.
Oh, please, boss,
with candy canes on top. Come on.
l just want to hear
the Christmas carolers!
Oh, all right.
lf it'll shut you up.
lt will.
No, no, no, boss.
One song.
For the memories.
(SNlFFlNG) Good thing l'm
comfortable around garbage.
l am in hell.
l wonder if this is considered barking and entering.
BEETHOVEN:
Come on. Let me in.
What are you
waiting for?
l'm freezing my jingle bells off out here.
December is all
work and no play
...hours of an
average working day
I'll try to make it
through Christmas day
(HENRY LAUGHS)
Wait a second.
Those aren't the lyrics.
Oh, what?
You don't know that verse?
SMlRCH: Hey!
lt's that insane elf.
Where?
Well, then, where is...
Santa's bag!
Get back here with that.
HENRY: Excuse me.
Excuse me. Excuse me!
Hold this.
Let go.
(GROWLlNG)
Give me that!
Give it to me,
you bloated flea bag!
(SCREAMS)
Mommy!
Good boy, Beethoven.
l'll take it from here.
(BEETHOVEN BARKlNG)
No!
l got it.
l actually got it!
(GROANlNG)
SMlRCH: Officer.
l'd like to report
a robbery
and a canine assault.
Listen, all right?
l am not the one who stole the toy bag, okay?
lt was him.
lt was that guy right there.
Uh-huh. Tell it to the judge,
Christmas elf.
ln the mean time,
you have the right to remain silent.
CAROLERS: Silent night Holy night
All is calm
All is bright
Cram it, carolers.
How rude!
(CAROLERS VOlCE DlSGUST)
All right,
get in the cruiser.
HENRY:
Wait, no! Stop it!
(PANTlNG)
You take that stray to the shelter.
(WHlMPERS)
Tata.
Mr. Smirch, l'll meet you back at the police station.
You stay there.
No.
Thank you, Officer.
No, you are a grumpy,
grouchy, evil person.
They made me do it.
(SlREN WAlLlNG)
Uh, just needs more
Christmas stuff.
You know, like,
do you think we can get
some of those big
Christmas balls?
Christmas balls?
Yeah.
You know, those big,
colorful ornament balls?
Oh, and some sprigs of holly,
you know, for Holly-wood?
Big Christmas balls
and sprigs of holly?
Sure, l'll rustle
some up right now.
(SlREN WAlLlNG)
Wonder what's going on.
l heard some nut
dressed like a Christmas elf got
arrested for robbing a toy store.
REXFORD: Christine?
This is our float?
CHRlSTlNE:
Hi, Mr. Rexford. Yes.
Um, listen,
l know it's a little different from what we discussed,
but there were some problems with the model,
so we had to make
a few small changes.
Problem with the model?
What sort of problem?
Uh, it's kind of
a long story.
Don't you worry,
float's gonna be great.
Needs balls.
Excuse me?
You know, those big,
colorful ornament balls.
You have some of those?
Of course,
Mr. Rexford.
And how about some little wrapped presents, too?
l mean, for heaven's sakes,
that's what Christmas is about,
glitz and glamour
and presents.
Lots and lots of presents.
(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)
Trouble.
Hello.
lnga!
(LAUGHS) My little
Swedish meatball.
l'm so glad
you got my tweet.
Beethoven.
(BEETHOVEN BARKS)
What happened?
Where is Henry
and the little guy?
Oh, man, l wish
l could understand you.
Hey, Mason.
Mom, l need to talk to you about something.
What? What's wrong?
lt's the elf. l...
l think he may be in trouble.
Let me guess.
Your little elf friend
knocked over a toy store
and now you want
me to post bail?
No, Mom, listen.
There's really something wrong.
We are not having this conversation, Mason,
because l need to get Beethoven ready for the parade.
(BARKlNG)
Oh!
See, Mom?
Even Beethoven is trying to tell you something.
Can't you just put
your stupid job aside
for one second and
just listen to me?
l do listen to you, Mason.
No, you don't.
Ever since Dad died it's like you
barely pay attention to me at all.
lt's like you died, too.
And you know what?
lf Dad was here,
he'd listen to me.
l just know he would.
(WHlMPERS)
Have l really
been that absent?
What am l talking to you for?
You can't talk.
Beethoven!
Where you going?
Beethoven,
what are you doing?
(BEETHOVEN BARKS)
What have you got?
A candy cane?
l don't want a candy cane
right now, Beethoven.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay, l'll have a candy cane.
l'll have a candy cane.
Oh, that is horrible.
Oh, what kind of
candy cane is this?
The kind that turns this...
(BARKS)
...into this, "Hey, good-looking,
how you doing?"
What's going on?
What's going on is
it's time for you
to get your nose
out of your butt
and listen to Mason.
He's telling the truth,
you know.
While you've been
out chasing your tail,
we've been trying to save Christmas,
doggone it.
But you
can't talk.
Oh, just get
over it already.
lt's elf magic,
all right?
You know,
from that real Christmas elf who's living in your garage?
He's got a whole bag
of tricks out there.
Berries that
make reindeer fly,
candy canes that
let us have this
cute little conversation we're having.
(LAUGHlNG NERVOUSLY)
l'm...
l'm talking to Beethoven.
No, l'm the one
doing all the talking
and you're just standing there
with the dopey look on your face.
Now, are you gonna help Mason save Christmas,
or what?
(KNOCKlNG)
Hey.
lf we're gonna get that magic
toy bag back to Santa in time,
we better get going.
You believe me?
Mason,
l am so sorry if l haven't been there for you.
After your dad died,
l was just so scared, you know?
Scared of what?
Not being able to
be a mom and a dad.
l guess by trying to be both,
l stopped being either.
Well, l'm sorry, too.
Because l didn't think about how hard it was for you.
l'll try to remember
that next time
you need me to help
you out with something.
But hey,
it's always hardest around
the holidays, right?
Yeah, that's right.
All right.
Let's get going.
What are we waiting for?
Beethoven told me that your
little elf friend really is in jail.
Jail?
You're not gonna get away with this,
whoever you are.
And when Santa finds
out who you are,
oh, you are gonna be in
so much trouble, mister.
l am talking "naughty list" for life.
l want to press charges.
l want to throw the book at him,
or Kindle.
Whatever's available.
Hey!
Will you just give
me the bag back?
Look, where is your
Christmas spirit?
So, are we done here?
Uh, yes, sir, Mr. Smirch.
Merry Christmas.
What?
Oh. Uh...
Ditto.
Can you at least give it back when it runs out?
What did you say?
The bag,
will you consider giving it back to me
after the toys run out?
Uh...
l'll just humor
him, you know.
Perhaps he'll slip up and say
something we can use against him.
What's this all
about, elfy?
When exactly will
the bag run out?
l don't know. But at the rate you're going,
probably soon.
The elves only made enough toys for one year.
Only made enough?
Oh, that's right.
You little creeps actually made all those toys.
(LAUGHS)
Officer, l have decided not to press charges.
What? You have?
Yes.
After all
it is Christmas.
ln fact, l think
l'd like to offer
this strangely dressed
young fellow a ride home.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
CHRlSTlNE: Excuse me.
We need to bail out an, um...
Elf.
Sorry, he's already gone.
That guy who
owns the toy store
decided not to press
charges after all.
Even gave him
a ride home, too.
Mom, he's got to
be up to something.
Let's go.
Beethoven says, "Yes."
l know.
l don't get it, boss.
Why are we leaving again?
Because now that
we have the elf,
we have all we'll ever need to make
money for the rest of our lives.
No, no, no, no.
l don't actually
know how to make toys.
l explained this to you.
This is just a costume.
l picked it up at
the Halloween store...
l'm not talking about you.
l am talking
about this elf.
This real Christmas elf.
(MUFFLED SCREAMlNG)
You're saying that's
a real Christmas elf?
No wonder his
costume is so good.
But wait.
We're kidnapping him?
Yes. Don't you see?
He is even better
than the bag.
That is going
to run out.
But he will be able to make us all the
inventory we'll ever need forever.
Kenny,
give a man a bowl of rice and you feed him for a day.
But give him an elf
who can make rice
and then we steal
the elf, we eat forever.
Look, l'm telling you,
l don't know how to make toys, okay?
The one time l tried,
it was a disaster.
Right.
A Christmas elf who does not know how to make toys.
That's a good one.
(GROANS) Santa was right.
Maybe l am better at...
(MUFFLED SCREAMlNG)
But, boss, if that's
a real Christmas elf,
then that must be Santa's actual magic toy bag.
Boss, this isn't right.
We shouldn't be doing this.
Kenny, haven't l always steered you right?
Eat a good breakfast, Kenny.
Wear your warm hat, Kenny.
Don't eat the yellow snow, Kenny.
Hold it right there, Smirch.
(BEETHOVEN BARKS)
l believe you have some things that don't belong to you.
Yes, l do.
And l'm not
giving them back.
Cover me, Kenny.
(GRUNTlNG)
(BEETHOVEN BARKlNG)
Now you see him.
No, no, no, no.
(LAUGHlNG EVlLLY)
Now you don't.
Henry!
Mom, l got it!
Come on, Kenny.
(LAUGHS TRlUMPHANTLY)
(LAUGHS TRlUMPHANTLY)
Okay, come on,
we gotta get him.
(ENGlNE SPUTTERlNG)
l hate Christmas.
What are we gonna do?
Two words, run.
(BEETHOVEN BARKlNG)
Come on!
(UPBEAT CHRlSTMAS
MUSlC PLAYlNG)
Boss! Boss!
l don't wanna be a part of this anymore.
Shut up.
Ha!
Oh, Santa, just what
l always wanted.
How did you...
(LAUGHS)
No, l want
the red one.
All right.
Look, we've gone
too far this time.
l mean,
stealing old mattresses is one thing,
but stealing
Christmas is another.
Kenny, you're fired!
Oh, yeah? Fine!
l'm going back
to Boca Raton!
Only could you forward my mail to my mother's house?
Move it, monkey. Out of my way!
(BEEPlNG HORN)
Coming through!
Look out!
Get away, kid,
you bother me!
Move it or lose it!
Mommy!
(SCREAMlNG)
(CROWD GASPS)
(SlREN WAlLlNG)
DlSPATCHER: Suspect Smirch
wanted for toy theft
last spotted near
the Beethoven float.
Be alert, suspect is
stupid and dangerous.
WOMAN: ls he all right?
MAN: Yeah.
You again?
(CRACKlNG)
(SCREAMlNG)
(ALL EXCLAlM)
Ha! Okay,
that was awesome.
lt actually was.
There's the bag.
(MUFFLED SCREAMlNG)
Anybody hurt?
Man, you know this thing has
a lot less room than you think.
Now l recognize you.
You're that thief who sold me an
overpriced mattress three months ago.
Uh, sorry, not me.
Must have been another, uh,
Christmas ball.
(LAUGHS)
The guy is nuts.
Grab him.
POLlCEMAN: Ha!
We finally got you, Smirch.
l gotta go.
This parade is really starting to rain on my parade.
Sorry, Mom.
l know this float was really important to your job.
(STAMMERlNG) And l'm sorry, too, Mrs.
Cooper. Um...
l really appreciate all that you've done for me.
Christine, there you are.
l heard there was an accident.
Oh, good heavens, no.
Not the big ball.
l'm so sorry,
Mr. Rexford.
But l'm afraid
it's not gonna be...
MASON: Anything
you expected.
lt's gonna be better.
Yeah it's a...
My mom's been working on a new idea
and it's gonna be cooler and
more appropriate for Beethoven.
REXFORD: ls that so?
Well then, Christine,
what have you been up to?
You're just gonna have to wait and see the parade.
Yep.
lt's gonna be great.
(MARCHlNG BAND PLAYlNG)
(CROWD CHEERlNG)
ANNOUNCER: And now,
please give a warm welcome to your Grand Marshal,
superstar dog, Beethoven.
In partnership
with the ASPCA,
Beethoven would like to send you
all a message this Christmas.
Rescue a pet from a shelter and give
someone a home for the holidays.
And please become a monthly
donor to the ASPCA today.
MASON: Beethoven!
Ah! Another partnership between
Beethoven and the ASPCA.
Now that's what
l call a "Win-win-win."
(CHUCKLES)
Good work, Cooper.
l've said it once,
l've said it a thousand times,
Christmas isn't all about glitz and glamour and presents.
lt's about goodwill,
and helping your fellow man...
(BARKlNG)
...and dog.
Thank you, Mr. Rexford.
But l can't take
all the credit.
lt's Mason's idea to include the animals from the shelter.
Really?
Apparently the talent runs pretty deep in your family.
Well, l think it's safe to say, Christine,
that you have
got that promotion.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you, Mr. Rexford.
l can't take it.
Unless it means that l can spend
more time at home with my son.
Well, now that
you think of it,
that probably wouldn't be the
worst thing for our company either.
(REXFORD LAUGHS)
l tell you what,
you tell me what schedule you want to work on,
and l promise you,
we'll arrange it.
Thank you, Mr. Rexford.
Thank you.
Thank you so much
for your help on this.
Tell you what,
tomorrow why don't we go down and
pick you up one of those MegaStations?
Huh. (CHUCKLES)
Actually, Mom,
l've decided that there are more
constructive uses of my time.
Like maybe taking
care of a dog.
What do you say?
Keep him?
Thought you didn't
like dogs.
(LAUGHS) l didn't think so either,
but he chose me.
Welcome to the family,
little guy.
Thanks, Mom.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, baby.
Hey, guys,
do you think that we can get me back to the North Pole?
My bells are still
on the line here.
Oh!
Yeah. Um...
Yeah.
(GRUNTS)
You think you can
make it back in this?
Yeah, l mean it looks fine,
but one problem.
Who's supposed to fly it?
(BEETHOVEN BARKS)
BEETHOVEN: Come on, elf.
HENRY: The magic berries.
lf they can make
a reindeer fly,
then they can make a dog fly.
(BEETHOVEN BARKS)
Well, so long, Mason.
l just want to
thank you so much
for helping me find
Santa's toy bag.
Couldn't have done
it without you, man.
And l wanna thank you
for something else, too.
What's that?
(SlGHS)
For helping me see that
Santa was right about me.
You know,
l am a stable elf.
And different or not,
l wouldn't wanna
be anything else.
No problem, Henry.
And l guess l should thank you for something, too.
Thanks for
making me realize
that believing
in Santa Claus
is definitely not
a little kid thing.
l am gonna need some time for the
tooth fairy and Easter Bunny, though.
Yeah, all right.
Merry Christmas.
All right. Merry Christmas.
(STRAY LAUGHS)
You ready, Beethoven?
Onward.
(LAUGHlNG)
STRAY: Goodbye, big fella.
Goodbye!
Merry Christmas.
CHRlSTlNE:
Merry Christmas.
(LAUGHlNG)
CHRlSTlNE:
Bye, Beethoven.
BEETHOVEN: Hold on.
Coming home,
here we go.
MASON: See you
later, Beethoven.
Merry Christmas, guys.
BEETHOVEN: Merry Christmas.
So what are you
gonna name him?
l think l'm gonna
name him after someone
who really helped us
out this Christmas.
Hey, what do you think of the
name Henry or Hank for short?
BEETHOVEN: So long.
HENRY: (LAUGHlNG)
Merry Christmas!
NARRATOR: In the end,
Santa made all his deliveries,
and the holiday
hit no further snag.
Though it's important
to point out
that the best gifts
received that year
came not from his bag.
For little Hank,
it was a home,
and a happy one at that.
For Henry,
it was a calling he would never give back.
For Christine and Mason,
it was something enduring and true,
the gift of a healing
that was long overdue.
And as for our old
friend Beethoven,
it was the thanks of
one very grateful elf.
As well as a special ride home
from the big man himself.
Merry Christmas,
one and all.
Humanity has been saved!
A helpless child's ski-board is now back in his arms.
Oh, joy! Oh, rapture!
Merry Christmas!
(EXCLAlMS)
l was wrong again!
People are crooks!
They took my
new ski-board!
Oh, the inhumanity
of it all
NARRATOR: 'Twas three nights before
Christmas at the magical North Pole,
and all the new elves had gathered
round Santa to be given their roles.
"Toy-making elf!"
Santa decreed to the first one in line,
and to the next, and the next,
and the next 209.
But when Santa came to the last elf standing there,
something very different
he was to declare!
"Stable elf!" he proclaimed,
expecting a cheer.
"You'll be the one in charge
of all things reindeer.
"You'll talk to them
and make them all fly.
"The sole keeper
of the magic berries
"that carry them
into the sky."
But a cheer
he did not receive.
Nor a smile,
nor a chuckle.
Instead, poor Henry's
knees started to buckle.
"I don't like reindeer," he protested,
"Or any animal, I mean,
"they slobber and shed
and are so very unclean."
But Santa's mind was made up,
that much was clear.
So that night,
Henry came up with a plan,
to change his career.
He would make a toy of his own as a secret surprise.
One that will force the big man
to see him with new eyes!
But Henry's toy-making skills
were a long way from strong
and before he knew it,
things went wronger than wrong!
Now, reindeer
are well-trained.
They can sit,
stay and heel.
But that doesn't mean
they'll pass up a free meal.
Henry tried to stop
them from floating away,
but only succeeded in
falling into the sleigh.
It was a disaster,
a catastrophe, a tangled mess
that might never
have been unwoven,
that is, were it not for a big,
sloppy dog named Beethoven.
MASON: Hot chocolate,
get your hot chocolate!
lt's low in fat
and 100 % organic.
At least... Not really.
(HORN HONKlNG)
(BARKlNG)
CHRlSTlNE: Mason!
Hey, Mom.
Hot chocolate?
Goes to a good cause,
teenagers whose mom's won't buy
them what they want for Christmas.
Yeah, l think l'm going to stick with my own cause,
moms who think there are more productive uses
of teenager's time
than video games.
How's it going anyway?
Like Grandpa,
after the divorce.
A big opportunity
just came up at work,
and l'm gonna need
your help with this.
(WHlMPERlNG)
Oh!
Oh, Jesus! Oh, no, no, no!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
(GRUNTS)
Get off me!
Come here, come here.
(COMMANDlNG BEETHOVEN)
Okay, okay.
Don't worry,
l think that just means he likes you.
Yeah? Well, the feeling
is definitely not mutual!
What's this drool machine
doing here anyway?
You don't recognize him?
This is Beethoven.
He stayed in town to
star in my commercial.
l need you to watch him while
l get everything else ready.
Watch him? But, Mom,
l don't even like dogs
and it's Christmas break,
l got my own stuff to do.
Can we talk about this later?
l really have a lot l've got to get done.
Yeah, whatever.
Okay!
Here is his bed.
lt's in his contract,
he has to have it handy anytime he needs it.
Mom, really,
l'm working here,
let it be handy at home.
Okay, sweetie.
Rapidly maturing
son of mine.
Oh, sorry!
Don't look so glum!
How many other kids your age get
to hang out with a celebrity dog?
Celebrity dog?
Yeah, well,
that's really gonna help me sell hot chocolate.
(CAR DOOR CLOSES)
(CAR STARTlNG)
Come, get your
picture taken
with the world-famous
celebrity dog, Beethoven!
lt makes a great
Christmas gift.
ls that really
Beethoven?
Wow. He looks so much
more slobbery in person.
Hi! (LAUGHlNG)
Here you go.
l have to give that to my nephew,
he just loves Beethoven!
Thank you.
Next, please!
(lNAUDlBLE)
Guess you can do a lot more than just drool,
can't you?
(HENRY SCREAMlNG)
(BARKS)
Beethoven, quiet down.
You don't want to scare off the customers.
Wait!
Beethoven, stop!
What's gotten into you?
(ALL EXCLAlMlNG)
Don't worry,
we'll be back. Beethoven!
(GRUNTS)
l'm sorry.
God!
Ho, ho. Merry Christmas!
There you go.
Thank you.
Merry Christmas.
(EXCLAlMlNG)
Ho, ho, ho... Uh-oh.
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Was that Beethoven?
(BEETHOVEN BARKlNG)
Ow!
Stupid mutt!
Hey, l think
that's Beethoven!
Who?
Beethoven,
the world-famous dog.
Come on, let's get
this stuff inside.
There's only two more shopping days until Christmas
and l want to squeeze every last penny out of this place.
(GRUNTS)
Go, come on.
All right,
l'm going.
(HENRY SCREAMlNG)
Stop it! Stop doing that!
Stop! No, no. No, don't!
(EXCLAlMS)
No!
Oh!
(SCREAMlNG)
Hey, get back here!
Don't tell Santa, okay?
(EXCLAlMlNG)
(BEETHOVEN BARKlNG)
What in the...
Hey, hey!
Listen, dog, can you, uh,
go get help?
Can you go get your owner,
or anybody? Just do it quickly, okay?
Beethoven!
(PANTlNG)
Wow. That actually worked!
Beethoven, what's gotten into
you?
(HENRY CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Hey, um, do you think you could, uh,
help me out of this tree?
lt's kind of an...
(GRUNTlNG)
...emergency!
Um. What if l do something to break your fall?
What!
Break my fall?
Maybe we can find a solution
that doesn't involve the words "break" and "fall!"
(SCREAMlNG)
(GRUNTlNG)
(WHlMPERS)
(HENRY GROANlNG)
(CHUCKLES)
Um... Uh...
Uh, Mason.
Mason, okay.
Can l ask,
why are you dressed
like a Christmas elf
and what were you
doing in that tree?
Well, l'm dressed like a Christmas elf because
l'm a Christmas elf!
(LAUGHS)
And, um, as for the tree,
let's just say it had something to do with reindeer,
Santa's sleigh,
and the fact that l'm probably never
allowed in the North Pole again.
Okay, well, um, it was
really nice to meet you
and, uh, we really have
to get going, okay?
So, uh, come on, Beethoven.
Let's go. Let's go.
Great job, Beethoven.
Got me rescuing an insane guy dressed like an elf.
(BEETHOVEN BARKlNG)
Look, wait!
(GRUNTS)
Wait!
ANNOUNCER: This Christmas,
Beethoven wants you all to consider
giving the gift you
can't find in a store.
Rescue a pet from a shelter and give
someone a home for the holidays.
And please become a monthly donor to the ASPCA.
(ANNOUNCER READlNG)
Well, what do you think?
l think l like it.
Really?
Really!
Christine, l think you hit this
one right out of the dog park.
Thank you for this opportunity.
Hold on a second!
What if l was
to tell you,
that l have another possible
promotional opportunity for Beethoven.
What are you
talking about?
Well, l spoke with
the mayor this morning.
He told me that the town Christmas
parade this year is going to be televised.
Anyway, he wants Beethoven to be
the Grand Marshal of the parade.
lsn't that fantastic?
This could be an enormous opportunity,
for the firm and for you.
But Beethoven's
expected home.
Don't you worry
about that.
l've already made arrangements with his owners
for all those details.
Cooper, if you do
a good job on this,
l think we can pretty much
guarantee that promotion is yours.
What do you say?
You up for it?
Absolutely, Mr. Rexford.
Thank you.
Wait. Wait. Look.
Look. Hey, l need your
help all right? Okay?
Um. Look, l don't know
anyone else here
and l really don't
know where "here" is!
And Santa's gonna be
really upset if l don't...
Okay, look. l'm not
a six-year-old kid anymore.
l know that there's no such thing as Santa Claus.
(SCOFFS)
Yes, there is!
And l have to get his magic
toy bag back before Christmas.
l think what you need to find is a good psychiatrist.
Maybe a whole
team of them.
What? No! No, no, no,
l'm telling the truth!
(BARKlNG)
Ha! See, your dog believes me.
(LAUGHS)
He must've saw me fall out of the sleigh,
didn't you, boy?
Where did they
get him?
What if l can prove
that l can understand
what this drool
machine is saying?
How are you gonna do that?
By talking to him.
All right.
Let's see what
we have here. Okay.
"Reindeer, Snow Bunny,
Polar Bear, Weasel,
"Bank Executive?
Oh, dog!" Here we go!
Talk about dog breath.
All right,
so, Beethoven,
tell me something about Mason
that only you would know.
Okay, l'll play along,
but you're crazier than a calico on catnip
if you really think you're gonna be
able to understand what l'm saying!
l can understand you
perfectly, Beethoven.
You're kidding me, right?
Wait, wait, wait.
Am l on that Animal Planet show
where they play pranks on stupid...
No, no! You're not on any show, Beethoven.
All right?
Just tell me something
about Mason, will you?
Okay, okay.
l've only been talking to people for about 30 seconds,
so sorry if l'm
a little distracted!
By the way, you wouldn't
happen to have any
sugar cookies
on you, would you?
Beethoven!
Sorry, sorry.
Okay, something about Mason.
Hmm.
l don't know too much about him,
but here goes.
(BARKlNG)
That's a little exploitive.
Okay. What did he say?
(SCOFFS) Only that you were selling
his picture without his permission
andlor giving him a cut!
(BEETHOVEN GROWLlNG)
Yeah, he usually gets 25 %
of all ancillary income.
Paid in bones, of course.
So, you're telling me
there really is
a Santa Claus?
Uh, duh.
Not just some dopes who act out
a fantasy for little kids every year?
That's right.
And you're a bonafide
Christmas elf?
Not just some whacko who just got out of the nuthouse.
Tell you what,
just call me Henry.
This is surreal.
His jacket totally clashes with his knickers.
Totally!
Come on,
you got to let me try it. No!
No, l am sorry, man.
That's one thing Santa is very clear on.
Christmas magic is not to be used
outside any non-North Pole employee.
Something to do with,
like, liability
or insurance,
something like that.
Look, forget that.
We have bigger problems, all right?
lf l don't find Santa's toy bag
before 12:00 on Christmas Eve,
then he won't have enough time to deliver
the presents on Christmas morning!
And then l'll get
stripped of my bells.
Trust me,
that's a really bad thing up on the North Pole.
(EXHALES) Midnight,
Christmas Eve, right?
That gives us just over 48 hours.
(BEETHOVEN BARKS)
That should be
plenty of time.
l hope so.
l would hate to see
what would happen
if that bag ended up
in the wrong hands!
Honey, they have
Red Rover.
l can't believe it.
All the other stores are sold out!
Wait a second.
ls this right? $99.99?
Why, yes! l just
priced it myself.
We thought it was
supposed to be more
in the price-range
of 20 bucks.
Pro-model, 25 extra sounds.
Sings with his very own online app-store.
lt's the only thing Charlie asked for this year.
(SlGHS)
Pro-model,
highway robbery!
Keep the penny.
Suckers!
(LAUGHlNG)
They couldn't
find it anywhere else
because we stole it from everywhere else!
Right, boss?
Ow!
Shut up!
This is our best scheme yet and l'm
not going to let your loose lips sink it.
And what the heck
are you wearing?
lt's an elf costume.
Like they wear at the North Pole.
l know it's an elf costume, half-wit.
What l want to know is why are you wearing it?
l thought it would
help with business.
You know that cell phone store down the street?
They've got a guy out front dressed as a cell phone.
Only it's Christmas and we don't sell cell phones.
So l figured...
Ow! Ah!
Shut up. First of all,
you're an idiot.
Second of all,
you're an idiot.
Third of all, look around.
Business is doing just fine.
ln fact, this might be my best scam
since "Most Wanted Mopeds."
Ooh! Or even "Most Wanted
Kitchen Appliances."
ln fact, l think
it might be time
for another one of our midnight shopping sprees.
(BOTH LAUGHlNG)
Okay, you hit Toy
Bonanza on Route 30.
They should be
restocked by now.
And l'll check out Oy What A
Toy on Nazareth Boulevard.
And take that
stupid costume off!
You look ridiculous.
The woman at
the Halloween store...
Who charged you $40.
...said l looked
fashionably festive.
Mmm.
No. A cheap
knock-off, at best.
Hey!
Sorry, everyone,
we're closing a bit early today.
Please take your purchases to the
check-out counter now. (LAUGHlNG)
That's right, move along.
(CHRlSTMAS JlNGLE PLAYlNG)
Elves wear tights
and elves wear tunics
Elves are Santa's
little eunuchs
Freaks of nature.
(TlRES SCREECHlNG)
What the...
lnconsiderates!
Leaving their junk right in the middle of the street.
(SCREAMlNG)
That's twice in one day
with the same foot!
What the heck
is in here anyway?
Toys.
What?
What the...
(LAUGHS)
Groovy.
(EXCLAlMS)
l'll be ho, ho, hoed!
(DlALlNG ON CELL PHONE)
KENNY: Most Wanted Toys,
may I help you?
Yeah.
Cancel the toy ride!
Okay.
l think l just found a whole new source of inventory.
Whatever you say, boss.
(LAUGHS)
(DOG BARKlNG)
What are you looking at?
Finders, keepers!
(BARKS)
(WHlMPERS)
(WHlMPERS)
(TlRES SQUEALlNG)
(WHlMPERS AGAlN)
HENRY: Mmm.
So this is
called pizza?
(WHlMPERS)
lt's delicious! l mean,
it could use a little bit more nutmeg,
but, hey,
everything could use a little bit more nutmeg.
(LAUGHS)
So, what do you guys
eat at the North Pole?
Well, mostly
milk and cookies
'cause, you know, Santa
draws up the menu and...
Um, how about the lnternet?
Do you guys have that?
We have the Winternet.
Freezes up a lot, though.
Uh, do you guys
go to school?
We are supposed to,
but every day is a snow day.
(LAUGHS)
Holy...
(BARKS)
You know,
l have to admit l thought you would be shorter.
Yeah, it's a common
misconception,
but l'm pretty average
as far as elf-sizes go.
l am member of
the National Association
for the Advancement
of Larger Elves.
What else do we have wrong?
Do elves really make toys?
Uh...
Well, yeah,
all of us do like...
We wouldn't be elves if we didn't make toys, right?
What about the whole talking-to-animals thing?
Do all elves do that?
Well, yeah.
Each and every
one of us do.
Definitely not just the stable elves.
Stable elves.
What are stable elves?
Oh. Nothing special.
l mean, uh,
nothing important.
Hello, Mason, Beethoven,
and Christmas elf.
Mason, is this
a friend of yours?
Uh, no, you actually had
it right the first time.
This is Henry and, well,
he is a real-life Christmas elf.
(HENRY CLEARS THROAT)
Greetings from the North Pole,
my lady.
Your son was kind enough to
help me look for Santa's toy bag.
Yeah, it fell off the sleigh while
we were passing over your town.
Santa's toy bag?
l know what you are thinking, Mom,
but it's true.
l mean,
Beethoven must've seen him fly across the sky.
And, well, let's
just say that
nobody is going to get any presents if we don't help him.
Ah!
Okay, l see
what's going on.
Look, l appreciate you playing
along with my son's little game,
but l am very busy
tonight and l just
don't have the energy
to play along.
No, Mom,
it's not a game.
Look, Mason.
l know you are still upset
that l'm not going to buy you
the MegaStation,
but really,
getting somebody from
the Christmas setup
at the mall to play
a prank on me?
What? Mom,
this isn't a prank.
He really needs our help.
Look, l hate to be rude,
but hope you can find your own
way back to the North Pole.
Oh.
Oh, yes. Uh...
(LAUGHlNG NERVOUSLY)
(MOUTHlNG)
(BEETHOVEN BARKS)
Well, merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
(HENRY GlGGLES)
Really, Mason?
Christmas elf?
Hey. l'm sorry about that.
l don't know why l thought she'd help.
You must be
freezing out here.
Are you kidding me?
Man, compared
to the North Pole,
this feels like
the Caribbean!
Well, l think l got some place you
can stay until we find your bag.
Sweet.
So this is the best l could
do on such short notice.
l know it's not
like the Four Seasons.
There's four seasons?
Huh!
Hey, are those Christmas decorations?
Uh, yeah.
My mom didn't really have time
to decorate the house this year.
Hmm.
l am highly
offended by this.
(GASPS) No way!
ls this a toy workbench?
What?
Not exactly.
That's my dad's,
but we did build a toy or two on it.
Hey! ls this him?
Maybe he can
help us look.
Um...
My dad died last year.
l'm so sorry.
lt's okay. Anyway...
Here you go.
(LAUGHS)
First thing tomorrow morning,
we'll start looking for Santa's toy bag.
"Santa's toy bag."
l can't believe those words
just came out of my mouth.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Sure hope being a toy-making elf is worth all this.
(BARKlNG)
Hmm? What's going on?
What's this?
Your special dog bed?
(LAUGHS)
Okay.
What did you bring
it in here for?
You look like you could use it more than me.
Besides no one likes
an ungrateful elf.
Okay, okay, l'll
try it out. Geez.
Attitude.
Oh...
(EXCLAlMlNG WlTH JOY)
Lay down with dogs,
wake up with angels. (LAUGHS)
This is actually more comfortable
than my bed at the North Pole.
Thank you, Beethoven.
No problem, kid.
Well, all right. Okay.
Want some cover?
All right, here we go.
(FARTS)
(SNlFFlNG)
Oh, come on, man.
lt's endless.
(LAUGHlNG EVlLLY)
(GASPS)
Endless!
This Santa guy has got a real good racket going on.
Wow.
Where did you get
all this great stuff?
l told you,
from Santa's magic toy bag.
lsn't that the new
place on Sycamore?
No. Santa's
magic toy bag.
His actual magic toy bag.
You know, it would
really be nice
if you could give me a straight answer once in a while.
lt's really insulting.
l am supposedly
your partner.
lf you want me to do your laundry for you,
why don't you just ask?
Would you like that folded,
or on hangers?
Would you please
give me that?
And why don't you get
started pricing stuff?
And didn't l tell you to take that stupid costume off?
Yeah, but l enjoy
being an elf.
Plus it's kind of slimming,
don't you think?
No.
Wait a minute.
That costume might come in handy tomorrow after all.
Tomorrow?
What are we doing tomorrow?
Advertising, Kenny.
A little good old-fashioned advertising.
(LAUGHS EVlLLY)
(BOTH CHUCKLlNG)
Miss Jingle,
you didn't tell me we are under a mistletoe. Come on.
Miss Jingle, have you been
snacking on some liver?
(EXCLAlMS)
Morning, elf.
You know what?
You really got to stop doing things like that, dog.
All right? l know
it's time to wake up,
but you could've
just said something.
l'm a dog.
l still like to lick.
Dog!
Do you mind?
Do you mind?
(GRUNTlNG)
Ooh, tug-of-war.
l love this game.
Beethoven, we need
a plan, all right?
l mean,
how am l supposed to find a toy bag
in a whole town?
lt could be anywhere.
l got a pretty good
sniffer you know.
You got anything l might be able to catch a scent from?
(GASPS) Here.
Try this.
Got it. Let's roll.
Wait a minute.
Are you one of those FBl,
like, sniffer dogs?
Come on. What are
you waiting for?
(BEETHOVEN BARKS)
(HENRY SCREAMlNG)
Wait! Wait up!
Come on, elf.
Don't they do cardio in the North Pole?
Hey, Mason,
good morning.
Morning, Mom.
You're up early.
Didn't exactly
go to sleep.
Gotta get this model to the builders by tomorrow
if l want Beethoven's float
ready for the parade.
Come here.
Tell me what you think.
Okay.
Okay, so, Beethoven
is going to sit
in this oversized
director's chair,
and then l have hired carolers
to stand around him and sing.
Got the Hollywood sign
in the background.
And then we're going
to have search lights
and flash bulbs go
off like paparazzi.
What do you think?
ls it glitzy enough for a star like Beethoven?
Uh...
l guess.
Come on, kiddo,
l really want to know what you think.
This is important.
lf l do well on it,
l get that promotion.
And then you'll be working even longer hours.
Mason, l know this hasn't been easy on you,
but this promotion is really important to our family.
Yeah, okay.
Uh, Mom, where
are you going?
Well, the glue
has to dry.
l'll stick it in the garage
till tomorrow morning.
Stop.
You... You can't go in there.
What? Mason, come on.
(STAMMERlNG) No, it's
your Christmas present.
What? Uh, yeah,
l put it there last night
so l don't want
you to see it.
l was in there last night.
l didn't see anything.
That's because it got delivered this morning.
No, not this morning.
lt got delivered late last night.
Last night is when...
Mason, cut it out. Move.
Uh, Mom, l'm so... Okay.
Uh...
Mom, l think that
we should just, uh...
Uh, let's, uh...
Let's be in the garage. Uh...
Just us.
lt's always hardest
around the holidays, huh?
Tell you what, why don't l see if l can
get out of work a little early tonight?
We can go have a nice dinner together.
How's that sound?
Yeah, it sounds great.
Now try to stay out of here for the next 24 hours.
That goes double
for Beethoven,
speaking of which,
where is he anyway?
Uh, he's, um, in my room.
He actually slept
in my bed last night.
Really? Thought you
didn't like dogs.
Yeah, but l think he is kind of growing on me.
Didn't you have to
get to work, Mom?
Yeah. Yeah.
Got to pitch my float idea to Mr.
Rexford.
Hey, keep an eye on
Beethoven for me, will you?
Of course.
l won't let him out of my sight.
Thanks, Mason.
l'll just have
to find him first.
HENRY: Merry Christmas.
Jingle, jingle and
a ho to the ho, ho, ho.
You know, Beethoven,
you must be really famous.
'Cause it seems
like every person
that lays eyes on you
is just left speechless.
Yeah, l've done
a few things.
Hey, hey,
you still have the scent? Yep.
Okay, good.
Good, good, good.
You know, when l was
stuck in that tree,
l never expected l'd be rescued by a dog,
you know?
Especially not one like you,
but actually l'm glad that it happened.
Got it. Let's go.
(GROANS)
(BEETHOVEN BARKlNG)
Hey, Beethoven.
(GRUNTlNG)
Oh! Hey, listen, if you let me borrow this,
l will make sure
Santa brings you one twice as good for Christmas.
Please? Please? Please?
Please? No. No. No. No.
l said please!
Thank you.
Merry Christmas. Whoo!
l'll bring it back later.
Help! The elves
have turned on us.
Ho, ho, ho
Ho, ho, ho
So come on down and visit me,
Sylvester Smirch
And Crazy Kenny
Here at Most
Most
Wanted
Wanted
Toys
Mattresses
Where you will find...
Uh, boss?
What?
We're right in the middle of a commercial.
Yes, l know, but you sang,
"Most Wanted Mattresses."
l most certainly did not.
Actually, you did.
l... But...
All right,
let's do it again.
Mattresses
Toys
Mattresses
Toys
Mattress... Toys
Toys
Mattresses
Toys
(GRUNTS)
(BEETHOVEN BARKlNG)
What the...
A Christmas elf.
A Christmas elf.
HENRY: Slow down.
Slow down.
Boss, where are you going?
(GRUNTS) Got you.
Come here.
(EXCLAlMS)
That is the greatest
elf costume.
Where did you get it?
Oh, thank you.
You know, Mrs.
Claus made it, so, uh... (LAUGHS)
(BARKlNG)
BEETHOVEN: Hang on.
(SCREAMlNG)
(EXCLAlMlNG)
BEETHOVEN: Excuse me!
(EXCLAlMlNG)
Everybody, limbo!
Beethoven!
Kenny, shut up and listen.
Meet me on the west side of the pavilion.
The west side.
Look at a map!
Beethoven.
Beethoven, stop.
Slow it down.
Slow it down.
l'm scared. l'm scared.
Stop, slow down.
Slow it down. Beethoven.
(PEOPLE EXCLAlMlNG)
SMlRCH: Coming through.
(SCREAMlNG)
Fresh kielbasa sausage.
Get it fresh here.
Try some.
Try some kielbasa sausage.
(PEOPLE EXCLAlMlNG)
(SCREAMlNG)
MAN: You okay?
KENNY: Hey, boss. Hop in.
Drive, moron. Drive!
l don't know what's worse.
Looking for Beethoven.
Looking for a Christmas elf.
(BARKlNG)
(WHlMPERlNG)
Hey, you stuck?
Here. Let me
help you with that.
There you go.
Got to be more
careful next time.
(BARKS)
All right.
Go home. Go. Shoo!
Come on now, go.
What, don't you have a home?
You're not a stray,
are you?
Well, even if you are,
what do you want me to do about it?
l already have one dog that l don't want this week.
(BARKS)
Go.
Whatever, pooch.
What?
What?
Oh, hey, boy.
Boy, it's not your fault.
(LAUGHS)
(DOG BARKS) Hey,
l've been looking all over for you.
Hey, when did you
get another dog?
What? Oh.
No, l didn't.
lt's just a stray that won't stop following me.
A stray? Well,
what's a stray?
What? Don't you guys have
strays in the North Pole?
They are these dogs...
Actually, forget it.
Just tell me.
Did you guys find
the toy bag or not?
We tracked down
the guy who has the bag,
but it seems he doesn't really want to give it up.
Does that mean you
actually saw his face?
'Cause then maybe we can get a description.
This is a pretty small town.
Maybe l can recognize him.
l didn't really
get a good look.
But maybe Beethoven did.
No, sorry, amigo.
No?
Now this is
just ridiculous.
l mean,
someone had to see a man pick up a magic toy bag.
(BARKlNG)
l saw him. l saw him.
He barked at me.
What was that?
l got a good look at him.
He was a mean-looking dude.
(STAMMERlNG)
Wait, what's he saying?
He's saying
that he saw him.
(BOTH LAUGHlNG)
Attaboy!
Ready for me,
Mr. Rexford?
Ready as a rooster.
Come on in, Cooper.
New hobby?
No, new client.
This is the new
X-980 rocket.
You build it, you paint it,
you launch it.
l like to familiarize myself with all
the products that we promote.
How is our new
float coming along?
Oh, it's great.
l've got some really good ideas l want to hit you with.
Good. You just float
'em right on by me.
Well, since Beethoven's
a big movie star,
l was thinking put him
on a Hollywood-themed float.
You know,
with flavors of Christmas naturally.
Christmas. Yes, yes, yes.
l see it in
my mind's eye.
Peacocks and men in togas.
Or l was thinking,
flash bulbs and sprigs of holly.
Oh, that's even better.
That's a great idea.
Total win-win.
Great.
Only one problem.
What's that?
l want another win.
Excuse me?
That's right, Cooper.
l wanna do something that we've never done before.
l want a win-win-win.
Okay. How do we
get the third win?
We go nationwide with this.
We get every man,
woman and child and chipmunk alive
to watch that
parade tomorrow.
You want chipmunks
to be watching?
Well, no, that's
just an expression.
l really don't
think it is.
What l want you to do
is press-release that float
like you have never press-released anything before.
You get it out to all the major
outlets by tomorrow morning.
You're gonna want to
word it just properly
so you're gonna have to put
in a few extra hours tonight.
You up for it?
Good, Cooper,
because that is how you get a win-win-win.
(WOMAN EXCLAlMS)
Oops.
We're not supposed
to be here again,
but l don't want
to risk my mom
coming home before we
get the sketch done.
There should be a drawing pad in here somewhere.
BEETHOVEN: Okay.
Who's hungry?
l am. l am.
Hey, wait.
So are you telling me
there's really animals
with no homes?
Yeah, a lot of them.
l don't get it.
Why don't people just take them in?
l don't know.
lt is pretty crummy
if you think about it.
Don't you have stray animals at the North Pole?
(SCOFFS) No. None.
ln fact, as a stable elf,
it's my job...
Stable elf?
Oops.
l thought you said you
were a toy-making elf.
What l meant to say
was stable elves,
it's their job to make sure that the
animals in the North Pole have homes,
but, you know,
l'm not one.
Nice recovery, elf.
Anyways, if this guy
didn't have a home,
then where did he come from?
l don't want to
talk about it.
l don't know.
He probably escaped from the pound or something.
What's a pound?
lt's where they put animals
who are lost or have no homes.
l don't think it's supposed to be such a nice place either.
Trust me. lt isn't.
Why? Don't worry, boy.
You're with us now. Yeah.
Hey, don't get his hopes up.
l can't adopt him.
(WHlMPERS)
What? But he chose you.
Chose me? (SCOFFS)
What do you
mean chose me?
(WHlNlNG)
You better do
some talking, bub.
Well, this one stable elf l know told me
that, uh,
people don't really choose their animals.
lt's the other way around.
And it looks to me as
if you've been chosen.
Well, l don't want to
be chosen, all right?
l don't understand.
l just don't want
a dog, okay?
l mean, it'll probably just end up getting sick,
or run off anyway.
Oh.
l understand.
Um, that would be hard.
(HORN HONKS)
Hey, my mom's here.
Okay.
l'm supposed to go out to dinner with her.
So that should give you plenty
of time to get the sketch done.
Mason, l'm home!
Hey, Mom.
Honey.
Don't tell me you were outside in the cold.
What? Uh, yeah, l was
going to shovel
the back walk.
What are you up to?
Up to?
l'm not up to anything.
Can't a son just
shovel a sidewalk
for his mom
without being asked?
Not usually.
But l appreciate it.
And have l thanked you yet
for your help with Beethoven?
Speaking of which,
how is our celebrity guest anyway?
He's great.
Been a real big help actually.
A help?
Help with what?
Making this the most
memorable Christmas ever.
Anyway, um, ready to go?
Go. Go where?
Uh...
You said we were going
out for dinner tonight.
Oh, sweetie, sorry.
Something came up.
Let me guess, at work?
Yeah.
Mr. Rexford liked
my float idea so much
that he wants me to
do a press release.
Maximize coverage,
you know?
Yeah. l understand.
No problem.
Honey, when this
all blows over,
l'll make it up
to you, l promise.
We'll do something fun for the
Martin Luther King weekend.
Swell.
l'll break out the civil rights decorations.
HENRY: Tell you what?
How about we just get started?
His eyes. Can you
describe them to me?
Were they, uh, big
and round like...
Cookies.
Beethoven, you didn't even see his face,
how do you know what
his eyes look like?
What? Oh, no,
l was just saying l'd like some treats.
Bet the little guy would, too.
Wouldn't you, pal?
l guess l'm
a little hungry.
Listen, we don't have time for treats right now.
Are you kidding?
There's always time for treats.
This is serious, okay?
So is this.
We're hungry. Yeah.
l've been running
around all day
and not once did anyone offer me so much as a biscuit.
l may be a Saint Bernard,
but that doesn't mean l'm a saint.
And who knows when the last time this little guy ate?
A week ago, Tuesday.
By the way,
that's another part about being a stray.
You skip a lot of meals.
He makes a very
good point, you know?
l think we just
about got him.
Hey, you know what would really put him over the edge?
What's that?
Puppy-dog eyes.
Okay. Come on.
On three.
One, two, three...
(DOG WHlMPERlNG)
Okay. Okay.
(GROANS)
Let me see what
l can do for you guys.
Okay. Let's see.
Ah, here we go.
Look. Okay.
This is all l got, okay?
All natural.
Good for elves and good for animals, too.
One for you
and one for you.
Mmm.
Oh, boy.
These are the yummiest things l've ever eaten.
(DOGS BURPlNG)
Guys.
You shouldn't
have got me started.
You see, Henry,
it's quite natural.
There are billions
of tiny bacterium
in our intestines
to help digestion.
Unfortunately, these bacteria also
release gases such as methane
which prompt the expulsion,
a.k.a. burps.
Put simply,
the excess gas in our stomach
can't all be taken
in and processed.
That's what she said.
So, it must ultimately
be released through the mouth.
(FARTS)
Among other places.
(WHlMPERlNG)
(FARTS SOFTLY)
(BOTH FARTlNG)
Very classy, Beethoven.
Yeah, well,
l'm studying to be a doctor when the acting dries up.
Not me.
l'm gonna be a canine gas-expulsion expert.
(FARTlNG CONTlNUES)
Can we please
just get started?
Sure thing, elf.
(CHUCKLES)
(FARTS AGAlN)
Geez.
All right.
Here we go. Ready?
Now, uh, can you
describe him to me?
Was his face round like a
snowman or thin like Jack Frost?
STRAY: l don't really
know who Jack Frost is,
but he definitely didn't look like a snowman.
ls something burning?
(BEETHOVEN BARKlNG)
ls it getting a little warm in here?
(EXCLAlMlNG)
BEETHOVEN:
Every dog for himself!
STRAY: Watch it.
My mom's model!
Henry, what did you do?
We didn't do anything.
Just get out of here.
l'll handle it.
Mason! Mason,
is something on fire?
Uh...
Oops.
Really, Mom,
l didn't mean to do it.
Really, then what were you doing in the garage
when l specifically told you not to go in there?
And don't bother telling me that my
Christmas present was out there this time.
Okay. Look,
l was out there,
because that Christmas elf
that l brought home yesterday
was here with Beethoven.
Mason, this again?
Mom, it's true.
lt's not true.
Now l'm sorry that l have to work so much,
but punishing me for that isn't
going to make things any easier
on either one of us.
Do you understand?
l'm not punishing you.
You know what, Mason?
l don't have time for this conversation
because thanks to you,
l have a press release to write
and an entire model to rebuild
before tomorrow morning.
l'm sorry to do this to you this week,
but you're grounded.
Means you're not going to be
leaving the house until New Year's.
What? l'm grounded?
l don't know what you thought would happen,
you could've burned
the whole house down.
Well, Merry Christmas to me.
(HENRY LAUGHlNG NERVOUSLY)
Hey, sorry. Um...
Was that my fault?
Was that your fault?
Oh, boy.
Oh, here we go.
Let's see.
Did you stupidly and irresponsibly
lose the toy bag?
Yes.
Did you idiotically land in that
tree and intrude on all our lives?
Yes.
Did you moronically set fire
to my mother's float model?
Yes.
Yes, it was your fault.
l just don't see it.
Oh!
What a dumb elf!
You know what?
Never mind.
Don't worry about it.
Just please tell me that you got a good sketch.
Oh, actually, we just
finished it. Yeah.
(HENRY LAUGHS)
Yeah, little guy over there,
he's got quite some memory.
Don't you?
Yes, you do.
All right.
So, check it out.
Do you recognize him?
Actually, no.
What? This is great.
l make one mistake, one mistake,
and all this happens.
"One little mistake."
What does that mean?
Look, at this point,
l might as well just tell you the truth.
l'm not really
a toy-making elf.
You're not?
No.
l'm a stable elf.
And the whole reason l'm here is
because l was trying not to be.
Doesn't matter.
After this disaster,
l'll be lucky if Santa lets me be an elf at all.
But wait,
l don't get it.
Why don't you
wanna be a stable elf?
All of my other elf buddies,
they're all making toys.
And l'm just different.
What's so bad about
being different?
Anyone can buy
a toy from a store,
but being the one elf
who can talk to animals,
and help with Santa's
magic reindeer?
That seems pretty cool to me.
Hey, you can't sleep there.
Okay, l got to admit.
You're kind of cute.
And you look pretty comfy.
Don't get used to it, okay?
l meant what l said yesterday.
You can't stay here.
(WHlNlNG)
HENRY: That's right, Santa.
You won't be able to deliver any
presents because of me. Right?
There's always
next year, right?
Who am l kidding?
lt's Coal City for me.
Hey, don't beat
yourself up, H-man.
You're still the coolest elf l've ever met.
Of course,
you're the only elf l've ever met,
but you shouldn't let that affect the compliment.
Well, thank you, Beethoven.
Hey.
lf there were more animals like you at the North Pole,
l would be happy
to be a stable elf.
Oh, really? Come here.
Give me some sugar.
You still got to stop
doing that though.
(GROANS)
You got to get used to it.
lt's a real show of affection in the dog world.
We dogs love to lick.
SMlRCH: Ho, ho, ho
KENNY: Ho, ho, ho
Ho, ho, ho
(BARKlNG)
Quiet! You'll wake up my mom.
Visit me, Sylvester Smirch
lt's him.
lt's him.
No, no, no, no,
he's saying that
that's the guy that
stole Santa's toy bag.
Where all the hottest toys...
Will be in stock.
That's right.
It's almost as if we have an endless supply.
Oh! Oh!
That's Santa's toy bag.
We found it. Yes.
Good work, guys.
Rub my belly.
Rub my belly.
Hey, calm down, elf.
Come on, big fella,
move those big bones.
l'm coming. l'm coming.
Hold on to your whiskers.
Okay. So my mom would kill me if l
left the house while l was grounded.
So, you guys are gonna take this one yourself.
No problemo.
You know, l'm thinking
these two fur balls
can handle it
all by themselves.
You got that right, elf.
STRAY: On our way.
Operation Red Bag,
here we come.
SMlRCH ON PA:
Merry Christmas, shoppers.
Sylvester Smirch here.
Welcome to Most Wanted Toys.
Don't forget to stop by the Shop Till You Drop Corner
for the hottest
and most wanted toys.
These prices, ridiculous. Ridiculous!
But l've been to every other store in town,
they're all sold out.
This guy really does seem to have an endless supply.
Everyone, wait. Okay?
You guys cannot buy these toys.
These toys are supposed to be
going to kids all around the world.
What are you talking about?
What l'm talking about
is these toys are stolen.
(ALL GASP)
That's right.
These toys do not belong to the owner of this store.
Elf trouble.
You're saying these
toys are stolen?
They are stolen
directly from
Santa himself.
That's right, everyone.
The prices are so low,
it's as if these toys are stolen from Santa himself.
(LAUGHlNG) Just a little
viral marketing, folks!
That concludes
our 12:00 show.
Great show.
There will be additional
performances throughout the day.
What are you talking about, Smirch?
Uh, folks, please ignore Binky,
the drunken elf here.
He's had a little too much eggnog this morning.
(EXCLAlMlNG lN PAlN)
Kenny, rip these
nice people off.
l mean, ring these nice people up.
l'll be right back.
Get out.
Hey, you listen
to me, all right?
l'm not leaving here
without Santa's toy bag.
lf you're not gone in the next three minutes,
l'm gonna call the police.
And who do you think
they're going to believe?
A taxpaying merchant
with a lease and a permit
or little Mr. Fancy Pants
and his mangy-mutt parade?
Hey!
Chop-chop. Let's shop.
(GROANS)
All right. We have
to get back in there.
l wonder if they sell
chewy toys in there.
HENRY: Hey.
You see that small window in the back?
All right, here's the plan.
l can create a diversion out here
and you guys can sneak around and grab the bag.
l think l can handle that.
HENRY: But...
How am l gonna do that?
Hey, elf.
Not now, Beethoven.
Can't you hear that music?
Beethoven, seriously,
all right?
This is no time
for music, okay?
We're trying to
think of a plan here.
Music is the plan, silly.
What do you mean,
"Music is the plan"?
Come on, elf.
Get moving.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa.
(SlNGlNG JINGLE BELLS)
BEETHOVEN: Now, go.
Go. Go. Go. Go.
Whoa! Whoa!
All right,
they call you Beethoven for a reason, huh?
BEETHOVEN: Come on.
Let's go, little guy.
Right behind you.
(CONTlNUE SlNGlNG)
Hey, hey. Excuse me.
Excuse me. Hey, hey.
Um, l'm new in town and l would
love to be a part of your group.
Dude, do you ever wear
your regular clothes?
Who are you anyway?
The name's Presley.
Elfis Presley.
Anyways, um,
would you guys be interested in taking a new member?
Uh, not really.
Oh, come on.
Please. Please. Please.
Easy, Presley,
don't get your
bells in a bunch.
Just stay in tune.
Don't frighten
anyone, capisce?
Yeah.
(SlNGlNG CONTlNUES)
Here you go,
three more.
Oh, boy. Christmas carolers.
Don't even
think about it.
Just one song. l mean,
everybody loves Christmas music, right?
Wrong. Besides,
it's probably just another trick by that irritating elf.
(SCOFFS)
Come on!
An entire crowd of Christmas carolers?
l'll make you a deal,
we get to listen to one Christmas carol
and you don't have to buy me
a Christmas present this year.
l wasn't going to get you a Christmas present anyway.
Oh, please, boss,
with candy canes on top. Come on.
l just want to hear
the Christmas carolers!
Oh, all right.
lf it'll shut you up.
lt will.
No, no, no, boss.
One song.
For the memories.
(SNlFFlNG) Good thing l'm
comfortable around garbage.
l am in hell.
l wonder if this is considered barking and entering.
BEETHOVEN:
Come on. Let me in.
What are you
waiting for?
l'm freezing my jingle bells off out here.
December is all
work and no play
...hours of an
average working day
I'll try to make it
through Christmas day
(HENRY LAUGHS)
Wait a second.
Those aren't the lyrics.
Oh, what?
You don't know that verse?
SMlRCH: Hey!
lt's that insane elf.
Where?
Well, then, where is...
Santa's bag!
Get back here with that.
HENRY: Excuse me.
Excuse me. Excuse me!
Hold this.
Let go.
(GROWLlNG)
Give me that!
Give it to me,
you bloated flea bag!
(SCREAMS)
Mommy!
Good boy, Beethoven.
l'll take it from here.
(BEETHOVEN BARKlNG)
No!
l got it.
l actually got it!
(GROANlNG)
SMlRCH: Officer.
l'd like to report
a robbery
and a canine assault.
Listen, all right?
l am not the one who stole the toy bag, okay?
lt was him.
lt was that guy right there.
Uh-huh. Tell it to the judge,
Christmas elf.
ln the mean time,
you have the right to remain silent.
CAROLERS: Silent night Holy night
All is calm
All is bright
Cram it, carolers.
How rude!
(CAROLERS VOlCE DlSGUST)
All right,
get in the cruiser.
HENRY:
Wait, no! Stop it!
(PANTlNG)
You take that stray to the shelter.
(WHlMPERS)
Tata.
Mr. Smirch, l'll meet you back at the police station.
You stay there.
No.
Thank you, Officer.
No, you are a grumpy,
grouchy, evil person.
They made me do it.
(SlREN WAlLlNG)
Uh, just needs more
Christmas stuff.
You know, like,
do you think we can get
some of those big
Christmas balls?
Christmas balls?
Yeah.
You know, those big,
colorful ornament balls?
Oh, and some sprigs of holly,
you know, for Holly-wood?
Big Christmas balls
and sprigs of holly?
Sure, l'll rustle
some up right now.
(SlREN WAlLlNG)
Wonder what's going on.
l heard some nut
dressed like a Christmas elf got
arrested for robbing a toy store.
REXFORD: Christine?
This is our float?
CHRlSTlNE:
Hi, Mr. Rexford. Yes.
Um, listen,
l know it's a little different from what we discussed,
but there were some problems with the model,
so we had to make
a few small changes.
Problem with the model?
What sort of problem?
Uh, it's kind of
a long story.
Don't you worry,
float's gonna be great.
Needs balls.
Excuse me?
You know, those big,
colorful ornament balls.
You have some of those?
Of course,
Mr. Rexford.
And how about some little wrapped presents, too?
l mean, for heaven's sakes,
that's what Christmas is about,
glitz and glamour
and presents.
Lots and lots of presents.
(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)
Trouble.
Hello.
lnga!
(LAUGHS) My little
Swedish meatball.
l'm so glad
you got my tweet.
Beethoven.
(BEETHOVEN BARKS)
What happened?
Where is Henry
and the little guy?
Oh, man, l wish
l could understand you.
Hey, Mason.
Mom, l need to talk to you about something.
What? What's wrong?
lt's the elf. l...
l think he may be in trouble.
Let me guess.
Your little elf friend
knocked over a toy store
and now you want
me to post bail?
No, Mom, listen.
There's really something wrong.
We are not having this conversation, Mason,
because l need to get Beethoven ready for the parade.
(BARKlNG)
Oh!
See, Mom?
Even Beethoven is trying to tell you something.
Can't you just put
your stupid job aside
for one second and
just listen to me?
l do listen to you, Mason.
No, you don't.
Ever since Dad died it's like you
barely pay attention to me at all.
lt's like you died, too.
And you know what?
lf Dad was here,
he'd listen to me.
l just know he would.
(WHlMPERS)
Have l really
been that absent?
What am l talking to you for?
You can't talk.
Beethoven!
Where you going?
Beethoven,
what are you doing?
(BEETHOVEN BARKS)
What have you got?
A candy cane?
l don't want a candy cane
right now, Beethoven.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay, l'll have a candy cane.
l'll have a candy cane.
Oh, that is horrible.
Oh, what kind of
candy cane is this?
The kind that turns this...
(BARKS)
...into this, "Hey, good-looking,
how you doing?"
What's going on?
What's going on is
it's time for you
to get your nose
out of your butt
and listen to Mason.
He's telling the truth,
you know.
While you've been
out chasing your tail,
we've been trying to save Christmas,
doggone it.
But you
can't talk.
Oh, just get
over it already.
lt's elf magic,
all right?
You know,
from that real Christmas elf who's living in your garage?
He's got a whole bag
of tricks out there.
Berries that
make reindeer fly,
candy canes that
let us have this
cute little conversation we're having.
(LAUGHlNG NERVOUSLY)
l'm...
l'm talking to Beethoven.
No, l'm the one
doing all the talking
and you're just standing there
with the dopey look on your face.
Now, are you gonna help Mason save Christmas,
or what?
(KNOCKlNG)
Hey.
lf we're gonna get that magic
toy bag back to Santa in time,
we better get going.
You believe me?
Mason,
l am so sorry if l haven't been there for you.
After your dad died,
l was just so scared, you know?
Scared of what?
Not being able to
be a mom and a dad.
l guess by trying to be both,
l stopped being either.
Well, l'm sorry, too.
Because l didn't think about how hard it was for you.
l'll try to remember
that next time
you need me to help
you out with something.
But hey,
it's always hardest around
the holidays, right?
Yeah, that's right.
All right.
Let's get going.
What are we waiting for?
Beethoven told me that your
little elf friend really is in jail.
Jail?
You're not gonna get away with this,
whoever you are.
And when Santa finds
out who you are,
oh, you are gonna be in
so much trouble, mister.
l am talking "naughty list" for life.
l want to press charges.
l want to throw the book at him,
or Kindle.
Whatever's available.
Hey!
Will you just give
me the bag back?
Look, where is your
Christmas spirit?
So, are we done here?
Uh, yes, sir, Mr. Smirch.
Merry Christmas.
What?
Oh. Uh...
Ditto.
Can you at least give it back when it runs out?
What did you say?
The bag,
will you consider giving it back to me
after the toys run out?
Uh...
l'll just humor
him, you know.
Perhaps he'll slip up and say
something we can use against him.
What's this all
about, elfy?
When exactly will
the bag run out?
l don't know. But at the rate you're going,
probably soon.
The elves only made enough toys for one year.
Only made enough?
Oh, that's right.
You little creeps actually made all those toys.
(LAUGHS)
Officer, l have decided not to press charges.
What? You have?
Yes.
After all
it is Christmas.
ln fact, l think
l'd like to offer
this strangely dressed
young fellow a ride home.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
CHRlSTlNE: Excuse me.
We need to bail out an, um...
Elf.
Sorry, he's already gone.
That guy who
owns the toy store
decided not to press
charges after all.
Even gave him
a ride home, too.
Mom, he's got to
be up to something.
Let's go.
Beethoven says, "Yes."
l know.
l don't get it, boss.
Why are we leaving again?
Because now that
we have the elf,
we have all we'll ever need to make
money for the rest of our lives.
No, no, no, no.
l don't actually
know how to make toys.
l explained this to you.
This is just a costume.
l picked it up at
the Halloween store...
l'm not talking about you.
l am talking
about this elf.
This real Christmas elf.
(MUFFLED SCREAMlNG)
You're saying that's
a real Christmas elf?
No wonder his
costume is so good.
But wait.
We're kidnapping him?
Yes. Don't you see?
He is even better
than the bag.
That is going
to run out.
But he will be able to make us all the
inventory we'll ever need forever.
Kenny,
give a man a bowl of rice and you feed him for a day.
But give him an elf
who can make rice
and then we steal
the elf, we eat forever.
Look, l'm telling you,
l don't know how to make toys, okay?
The one time l tried,
it was a disaster.
Right.
A Christmas elf who does not know how to make toys.
That's a good one.
(GROANS) Santa was right.
Maybe l am better at...
(MUFFLED SCREAMlNG)
But, boss, if that's
a real Christmas elf,
then that must be Santa's actual magic toy bag.
Boss, this isn't right.
We shouldn't be doing this.
Kenny, haven't l always steered you right?
Eat a good breakfast, Kenny.
Wear your warm hat, Kenny.
Don't eat the yellow snow, Kenny.
Hold it right there, Smirch.
(BEETHOVEN BARKS)
l believe you have some things that don't belong to you.
Yes, l do.
And l'm not
giving them back.
Cover me, Kenny.
(GRUNTlNG)
(BEETHOVEN BARKlNG)
Now you see him.
No, no, no, no.
(LAUGHlNG EVlLLY)
Now you don't.
Henry!
Mom, l got it!
Come on, Kenny.
(LAUGHS TRlUMPHANTLY)
(LAUGHS TRlUMPHANTLY)
Okay, come on,
we gotta get him.
(ENGlNE SPUTTERlNG)
l hate Christmas.
What are we gonna do?
Two words, run.
(BEETHOVEN BARKlNG)
Come on!
(UPBEAT CHRlSTMAS
MUSlC PLAYlNG)
Boss! Boss!
l don't wanna be a part of this anymore.
Shut up.
Ha!
Oh, Santa, just what
l always wanted.
How did you...
(LAUGHS)
No, l want
the red one.
All right.
Look, we've gone
too far this time.
l mean,
stealing old mattresses is one thing,
but stealing
Christmas is another.
Kenny, you're fired!
Oh, yeah? Fine!
l'm going back
to Boca Raton!
Only could you forward my mail to my mother's house?
Move it, monkey. Out of my way!
(BEEPlNG HORN)
Coming through!
Look out!
Get away, kid,
you bother me!
Move it or lose it!
Mommy!
(SCREAMlNG)
(CROWD GASPS)
(SlREN WAlLlNG)
DlSPATCHER: Suspect Smirch
wanted for toy theft
last spotted near
the Beethoven float.
Be alert, suspect is
stupid and dangerous.
WOMAN: ls he all right?
MAN: Yeah.
You again?
(CRACKlNG)
(SCREAMlNG)
(ALL EXCLAlM)
Ha! Okay,
that was awesome.
lt actually was.
There's the bag.
(MUFFLED SCREAMlNG)
Anybody hurt?
Man, you know this thing has
a lot less room than you think.
Now l recognize you.
You're that thief who sold me an
overpriced mattress three months ago.
Uh, sorry, not me.
Must have been another, uh,
Christmas ball.
(LAUGHS)
The guy is nuts.
Grab him.
POLlCEMAN: Ha!
We finally got you, Smirch.
l gotta go.
This parade is really starting to rain on my parade.
Sorry, Mom.
l know this float was really important to your job.
(STAMMERlNG) And l'm sorry, too, Mrs.
Cooper. Um...
l really appreciate all that you've done for me.
Christine, there you are.
l heard there was an accident.
Oh, good heavens, no.
Not the big ball.
l'm so sorry,
Mr. Rexford.
But l'm afraid
it's not gonna be...
MASON: Anything
you expected.
lt's gonna be better.
Yeah it's a...
My mom's been working on a new idea
and it's gonna be cooler and
more appropriate for Beethoven.
REXFORD: ls that so?
Well then, Christine,
what have you been up to?
You're just gonna have to wait and see the parade.
Yep.
lt's gonna be great.
(MARCHlNG BAND PLAYlNG)
(CROWD CHEERlNG)
ANNOUNCER: And now,
please give a warm welcome to your Grand Marshal,
superstar dog, Beethoven.
In partnership
with the ASPCA,
Beethoven would like to send you
all a message this Christmas.
Rescue a pet from a shelter and give
someone a home for the holidays.
And please become a monthly
donor to the ASPCA today.
MASON: Beethoven!
Ah! Another partnership between
Beethoven and the ASPCA.
Now that's what
l call a "Win-win-win."
(CHUCKLES)
Good work, Cooper.
l've said it once,
l've said it a thousand times,
Christmas isn't all about glitz and glamour and presents.
lt's about goodwill,
and helping your fellow man...
(BARKlNG)
...and dog.
Thank you, Mr. Rexford.
But l can't take
all the credit.
lt's Mason's idea to include the animals from the shelter.
Really?
Apparently the talent runs pretty deep in your family.
Well, l think it's safe to say, Christine,
that you have
got that promotion.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you, Mr. Rexford.
l can't take it.
Unless it means that l can spend
more time at home with my son.
Well, now that
you think of it,
that probably wouldn't be the
worst thing for our company either.
(REXFORD LAUGHS)
l tell you what,
you tell me what schedule you want to work on,
and l promise you,
we'll arrange it.
Thank you, Mr. Rexford.
Thank you.
Thank you so much
for your help on this.
Tell you what,
tomorrow why don't we go down and
pick you up one of those MegaStations?
Huh. (CHUCKLES)
Actually, Mom,
l've decided that there are more
constructive uses of my time.
Like maybe taking
care of a dog.
What do you say?
Keep him?
Thought you didn't
like dogs.
(LAUGHS) l didn't think so either,
but he chose me.
Welcome to the family,
little guy.
Thanks, Mom.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, baby.
Hey, guys,
do you think that we can get me back to the North Pole?
My bells are still
on the line here.
Oh!
Yeah. Um...
Yeah.
(GRUNTS)
You think you can
make it back in this?
Yeah, l mean it looks fine,
but one problem.
Who's supposed to fly it?
(BEETHOVEN BARKS)
BEETHOVEN: Come on, elf.
HENRY: The magic berries.
lf they can make
a reindeer fly,
then they can make a dog fly.
(BEETHOVEN BARKS)
Well, so long, Mason.
l just want to
thank you so much
for helping me find
Santa's toy bag.
Couldn't have done
it without you, man.
And l wanna thank you
for something else, too.
What's that?
(SlGHS)
For helping me see that
Santa was right about me.
You know,
l am a stable elf.
And different or not,
l wouldn't wanna
be anything else.
No problem, Henry.
And l guess l should thank you for something, too.
Thanks for
making me realize
that believing
in Santa Claus
is definitely not
a little kid thing.
l am gonna need some time for the
tooth fairy and Easter Bunny, though.
Yeah, all right.
Merry Christmas.
All right. Merry Christmas.
(STRAY LAUGHS)
You ready, Beethoven?
Onward.
(LAUGHlNG)
STRAY: Goodbye, big fella.
Goodbye!
Merry Christmas.
CHRlSTlNE:
Merry Christmas.
(LAUGHlNG)
CHRlSTlNE:
Bye, Beethoven.
BEETHOVEN: Hold on.
Coming home,
here we go.
MASON: See you
later, Beethoven.
Merry Christmas, guys.
BEETHOVEN: Merry Christmas.
So what are you
gonna name him?
l think l'm gonna
name him after someone
who really helped us
out this Christmas.
Hey, what do you think of the
name Henry or Hank for short?
BEETHOVEN: So long.
HENRY: (LAUGHlNG)
Merry Christmas!
NARRATOR: In the end,
Santa made all his deliveries,
and the holiday
hit no further snag.
Though it's important
to point out
that the best gifts
received that year
came not from his bag.
For little Hank,
it was a home,
and a happy one at that.
For Henry,
it was a calling he would never give back.
For Christine and Mason,
it was something enduring and true,
the gift of a healing
that was long overdue.
And as for our old
friend Beethoven,
it was the thanks of
one very grateful elf.
As well as a special ride home
from the big man himself.
Merry Christmas,
one and all.
Humanity has been saved!
A helpless child's ski-board is now back in his arms.
Oh, joy! Oh, rapture!
Merry Christmas!
(EXCLAlMS)
l was wrong again!
People are crooks!
They took my
new ski-board!
Oh, the inhumanity
of it all