Bert Kreischer: Razzle Dazzle (2023) Movie Script
1
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage
Bert Kreischer!
Yes!
Thank you.Thank you.
Thank you. Yes.
You look beautiful, sir.
Thank you.Thank you.
I look beautiful. Thank you, sir.
This is the skinniest fat I've ever been.
Yeah, yeah. I know, I know.
I'm so fat, when I jog,
my ass hairs tie in a knot.
Yeah. You don't even know it's happening.
It's really a treat.
Get in the shower, get a handful of soap,
give yourself a little credit card action.
And you get denied.
I'm talking rope, ladies.
Ass cheek to ass cheek.
Usually it comes free. Most hairy men and...
some Italian women will tell you that.
You just put your finger on top
until you're free.
Like when you sleep in a braid.
Same thing.
One time, I was on vacation,
and it wouldn't come free.
Like, I'm the shower tugging.
And I'm panicking too,
because I got to take a shit.
If we don't do something,
I'm gonna have a Play-Doh factory there.
So I get out of the shower.
I grab my pocket knife.
I walk over to my wife.
I go, "I need to know if you're on my team
or off my team."
She's like, "I'm on your team."
My wife's a redneck.
I should have told you that.
On our marriage application,
in her hometown,
third question: "Are you blood relatives?"
I go, "What do we put for three?"
The lady goes, "Well, is you?"
I go, "I don't think we is."
"Then put you ain't."
"I'm not writing 'ain't.'
That means we is." So...
I hand my wife the pocket knife,
and I go, "We have a problem."
I turn around, show her the affected area.
And she says, "Why did you do that?"
Fantastic question,LeeAnn. You know...
I figured, we're on vacation.
Lady by the pool's like,
"Braid your hair. Braid you hair."
"I didn't do this on purpose, fuck nut."
"Now get to cutting, Sweeney Todd.
I'm cresting down here."
She's like, "I ain't doing that."
I was like, "Hate to break
your heart, redneck. I think you is."
"As a matter of fact,
you're the only person on this island
that will be cutting these ass hairs."
I can't call the front desk and be like,
"Send up a sure-handed boy."
"Better yet, who does your hedges?
I like his work."
She goes, "No, I ain't."
And she puts the knife down
and turns on the hair dryer
as if our conversation's over.
Oh, you want to play games?
Let's play fucking games.
I grabbed the knife.
I'm still naked, mind you.
I sit down on the bed, facing her.
Lay on my back, kick my feet in the air
like a baby getting his diaper changed,
and just go, "Wah!"
"Baby's got a knotty asshole!"
I didn't even hear my daughters
walk in the room.
All I heard was,
"Oh my God, Dad's vagina!"
Scared the shit outta me!
I hop up naked with a knife like
I'm fighting two hookers for my wallet.
LeeAnn doesn't even know what's going on.
She sees the commotion,
cuts off the hair dryer, and goes,
"Fine, give me the knife.
I'll cut your asshole."
My daughters are shell-shocked.
"What the fuck are you two doing?"
They storm out. I get in trouble.
She goes, "You know, heads-up,
you're not supposed to show
your daughters your dick."
I was like, "Objection, Amber Heard.
That's not what happened."
- Yeah. Walk it back, sister.
- Oh!
Yes.
First off, they didn't just
see my dick, okay?
That would have been a walk in the park.
They saw all of it.
The trilogy. All three stories.
Asshole, dick, and balls. The Middle East!
Secondly, I didn't show them my dick.
I wasn't like, "Hey, girls..."
"You almost done your homework?"
"Cool. Meet me in the garage in 15.
There's something I want to show you."
They didn't even see good dick either.
That's what bothered me.
No, hang on. Hear me out.
I'm not saying I want it to be rock-hard,
but, like...
...pretty hard.
You can't send your daughters to college
thinking their dad's got
the smallest dick.
First time they get a guy
and they're like, "Now, that's a cock."
"Shit!"
"Yeah, my dad has a penis. That's a cock."
"You could whip that out at a party.
My dad's got something you show a nurse."
They saw belly dick.
Just sitting there, defenseless, just...
Looks like a whale breaching.
Just...
Can't tell where it starts,
but you know where it stops.
Looks like a little boy looking in a well.
"What's going on in here?"
What the fuck, I saw my dad naked.
A lot.
A lot...
One time, he got in the shower with me.
I was taking too long. He had work.
I was in ninth grade.
Yeah, I panicked
and did the old Buffalo Bill
from Silence of the Lambs,just...
I saw my mom naked. Not a lot, but enough.
Enough that the first time
I got a chick naked,
I was like, "Where's your C-section scar?"
My wife's honest with them.
She's honest, 100% honest all the time.
The other night we're at dinner.
I'm three drinks in.
The girls go, "You guys ever done drugs?"
I'm like, "What are you, fucking cops?"
She just goes, "Yeah."
"What the fuck you doing?" She goes,
"You got to be honest with them girls."
"I smoked marijuana a couple of times."
"I didn't like it very much."
"Made me throw up. Never smoked it again."
"But your daddy's done cocaine."
I go, "What the fuck?"
"I don't think they're looking
for recommendations, LeeAnn."
She's like, "Go on, tell 'em.
Go on, tell 'em. Tell 'em."
"Tell 'em the truth now."
I was like, "Okay, I tried cocaine...
one time."
"I didn't like it very much."
"It made me throw up. Never did it again."
I hear her fucking laughing.
She goes, "That's a lie.
Your daddy's done cocaine a lot."
"Well, your mom lost her virginity at 13.
Go ahead, tell them that story. Yeah."
"Yeah. She's a whore!"
And she just leans into me, she goes,
"First of all, I was almost 14."
"And shit, ain't nothing to do
in my hometown but fuck, fight, and race."
I'm like, "Who did I marry, Ricky Bobby?"
"Sorry I ain't no prude like your daddy.
Your daddy's only been with six people."
"And he lost his virginity
when he was 17."
I was like, "First,
I've been with six women, not people."
And 17's a normal number.
But they've already heard 13.
Now they're looking at me, like...
"Were you homeschooled, Dad?"
I'm like, "Thirteen's the fucked-up number
in this story."
"Seventeen's normal. I'm so sorry
I wasn't molested like your mother."
I didn't spend high school
in the back of a pickup truck
in a field all "Next!"
I fucking hate that I love this woman.
My buddy... My buddy sold his company,
made a lot of money,
and got rid of his old wife, upgraded.
Twenty-seven years old.
Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah.
He brought her to our house,
showing her off. "She can't read at all."
That night, I get in bed with my wife.
My old one.
Socks on under the covers.
Sweater on. Bifocals. Reading a magazine.
Gotta lick that dead old dry finger
to turn a page.
I was drunk.
I leaned over... This is the relationship
I have with my wife, okay?
I just lean over, look at her, and go...
"I wonder what I could upgrade to."
She looks at me and goes,
"I'd like to see you fucking try."
She's all, "You wouldn't know
what to do with the floor model."
New car smell with the push-button start.
I said, "Yeah, I've been working
with the old beater too long."
Just...
You ever get your wife close to an orgasm
and watch it just disappear?
You get her right there...
Then the cat jumps up on the bed.
"Are we fucking this bitch?"
You're like, "Goddamn it, Gus Gus,
get the fuck out of here."
Here, let me go. One, two, three.
That's how it's done. Jesus, fuck!
I'm fast at sex. I'm so fast,
one time I had an orgasm and she laughed.
She goes, "Shit, I don't think
you could've gotten AIDS from that one."
Yeah. She's a bully.
A fucking bully.
She doesn't give me a blowjob.
Oh, no.
She toys with me.
Grabs my dick.
Stares at me, just, "Oh."
"Oh, oh."
Is this thing on?
Do you know how soul-sucking it is
to have to fake laugh
to get your dick sucked?
As a comedian...
I told my buddy Tom this, he goes,
"That would break my spirit."
He goes, "Know what I'd do
if I was lucky to suck your cock?"
I was like, "Please tell me."
He said, "I'd respect the fact
that you're a comedian,
and I would bring you
original material every time."
I said, "Like what?"
He didn't flinch.
"I'd grab your dick, look you in the eyes,
and go, 'This week, on a very special
episode of Man v. Food.'"
"'One man takes one dick
to the mouth until it explodes.'"
We cried laughing.
And then one month later,
I'm in bed with my wife.
She goes down to give me a blowjob.
I completely forgot
the conversation I had with Tom...
...until she...
taps on my dick,
and I start laughing hysterically.
She goes, "Finally, you get it."
I said, "What?"
She goes, "Get the joke?
It's a microphone."
I said,
"You thought I didn't get the joke?"
She goes, "You don't laugh."
I said, "Because it's not fucking funny."
She goes, "Not funny,
why are you laughing now?"
I said, "I'm thinking about Tom."
"He does this better than you."
She's turned my daughters into bullies.
Yeah. We were watching a documentary
the other night on Gandhi.
All I said was, "I don't get
the whole hunger strike thing."
My daughter Georgia looks me up and down
and goes, "No shit."
They don't call me Dad.
They have nicknames, like "Chonk."
Or "Fetus." They call me "Fetus."
They had a nickname they were calling me
behind my back for two years.
We're at dinner one night.
LeeAnn sends a text.
Both the girls giggle.
"Oh, good one, Mom."
I said, "What is it?"
They said, "You wouldn't get it."
I said, "I'm the funniest motherfucker
at this table."
"My comedy's paying for this dinner
and those teeth. Run it by me."
Ila's like, "I don't think
you'd find it funny."
So I go to the bathroom.
I come back quick.
I look over Ila's shoulder. She's slow.
What I see is a series of pictures of me,
and the chat thread is titled,
"Baby Walrus."
My stomach drops. I sit down at the table.
I go, "What the fuck is Baby Walrus?"
They freeze. They're like,
"Oh, it's not, 'What's Baby Walrus?'"
"It's, 'Who's Baby Walrus?'"
I said, "Who the fuck is Baby Walrus?"
Ila goes, "I think you know
who Baby Walrus is."
Georgia goes, "Calm down, Dad."
"It's just Mom thinks
when you put on fancy clothes,
you look like a baby walrus
who's trying to escape from the zoo."
I looked at LeeAnn. She goes, "Calm down.
You actually behave like a baby walrus."
I said, "No, I don't."
And then the waitress came over.
She goes, "Double Tito's and soda,
big glass, no lime?"
I didn't even think I did it.
I went...
Ila pulls out here phone.
"Baby Walrus loves vodka." Click, click.
I will destroy these women.
My daughters are dumb as fuck.
We went camping one time.
Whole family goes camping.
Middle of nowhere.
Ten o'clock at night.
Girls are roasting marshmallows.
LeeAnn's over by the tent, cleaning up.
I'm drinking moonshine.
Ten o'clock at night,
we hear a gunshot ring out.
Just...
We're frozen. LeeAnn's a redneck.
She's like, "Someone got their period,"
or whatever.
She's not even this big of a redneck,
but she hates this accent.
So it's gonna get worse
throughout the show.
It's ten o'clock at night.
We heard a gunshot. We're fucking frozen.
No one says a word for ten seconds.
And then we hear another gunshot ring out.
My daughter Ila pulls her marshmallow
out of the fire,
looks at all of us very confidently,
and goes, "Well...
we know it's not a suicide."
I was like, "Thanks, Matlock."
She goes, "Two gunshots, Dad."
"I follow your math there, big brain."
This child will make you stupid by proxy.
We're in the car one time.
Georgia's up front, I'm driving.
Ila's in the back seat.
And we drive past a sign that says,
"Deaf child."
And immediately I hear
the think tank in the back start bubbling.
Ila just, to herself, goes,
"Oh, well, that's racist."
I go, "Nope. No, it's not. That's...
That's not what racism looks like."
And Georgia goes,
"Ila, they put that sign up
so we know when we're in this neighborhood
we should lower our radios."
I'm like, "What the fuck?"
"No, finish this.
I want to hear the end of this."
She goes, "So we don't rub it in
that we can hear, right, Dad?"
I'm like, "No, that's not...
Shit, you're dumber than she is."
"No. No."
"No, Georgia,
that's not why they have that."
"It's so you know there's a kid that
may not hear your car coming, Georgia."
And then Ila leans up at the front
and goes, "So are deaf kids like guns?"
"Do you have to register them
with the state?"
I'm like, "What are you talking about?"
She goes, "Well, Dad, how do they know
where to put those signs?"
And now I'm sitting in the front seat
of this clown car,
thinking sincerely to myself,
"How do they know
where to put those signs?"
You cannot put me and this child together.
We're bad news.
We're dumb as fuck
and we have impulse control problems.
We went to Georgia's
choir concert one time.
Four hours long, just to set the scene.
Four hours of choir.
And LeeAnn doesn't even sit in the room.
She sits in the back and sells baked goods
with friends and chitchats for hours.
Meanwhile, Ila and I have to sit
in the front row for four hours.
She's having a blast.
Ila and I are getting fucked in the ass.
Two hours into this choir concert,
choir teacher comes out
and lets us know they're auctioning
use of the school snow machine
to the highest bidder.
Opening bid is $50, and I feel Ila
shaking like a junkie next to me.
I go, "What's wrong with you?"
And she goes, "Fetus..."
"...we need that snow machine."
I'm like, "Uh, we're getting
that fucking snow machine."
She's like, "Should I go out and ask Mom?"
"Fuck that bitch. She's not here."
"I'm a parent also, Ila.
I can make decisions too."
She's like, "Do we have $50?"
I go, "Baby, without your mom in the room,
we have stupid fucking money."
"Watch and learn. I'm about to drop
a big dick on this room."
I stand up in the front row.
Teacher gets excited.
"Do I hear an opening bid of $50?"
I said, "Honey, cut out the riffraff."
"Make it 500."
Room goes crazy.
I sit down. Ila's shaking back and forth.
"Ahh!"
I go, "What's wrong?"
She goes, "You just dropped
a big dick on the room, Dad!"
Laughter dies out.
I hear one dad in the back still laughing.
I'm like, "Shit, we got a problem."
Ila's like, "What is it?"
"There's another alcoholic dad here
looking for action."
"It's gonna be a long night, baby."
Dude in the back
just stands up quick, "550!"
Whole room does that. "Oh!"
Except for my daughter,
who punches me in the leg and goes,
"Stand up and be a man."
"Tell him 600, Dad."
I said, "No, baby,
that's not how we're gonna play it."
"Now's when we hit him
with the razzle dazzle."
She...
She goes, "What's that?"
I said, "You stand up, you say 600,
then turn around and wink at him."
Now she's turned into a baby walrus.
She goes, "I can do that?"
I go, "If you don't, you sleep outside."
This is what a thousand parents saw:
a fifth grader in the front row stand up.
In fairness,
I didn't know she was nervous.
I also didn't know
the kid couldn't fucking wink, okay?
Who the fuck can't wink?
She turns around trembling.
Finds her guy, goes,
"$600!"
And then proceeds to have aseizure...
...trying to ekeout a wink. Just...
Sits down, she goes, "How did I do, Dad?"
I go, "You just dropped a big dick
on that room."
Old boy in the back
is losing his fucking mind.
He stands up, he goes, "Baby girl, $700."
I'm like, "Whoa, you coming
after my daughter, bro?"
I stand up, stare him down, I go, "$800."
Ila stands up, "$900!"
I'm like, "You're bidding against me,
you fucking moron."
She's ear to ear,
"Hit him with the razzle dazzle, Dad!"
We won that snow machine for $1,800.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I got... I got in trouble.
I did. My behavior was... questionable.
I can't tell if it's...
I can't tell if it's me
or the fact that I live in L.A.
Like, I think if I lived here,
I'd be like a pretty normal dad.
Dare I say progressive.
But in L.A., I'm a problem.
I'll... I'm gonna...
Okay, I'm gonna tell you a story.
But do not
insert your politics into it, okay?
Just listen to the story,
enjoy it for what it is.
Okay.
End of Ila's fifth grade year,
they throw a dance.
They taught all the kids the foxtrot
in fifth grade, right?
Parents sit in the auditorium
and we watch kids do the foxtrot on stage,
go out, milk and cookies
8:30 in the morning, call it a day. Boom.
We show up at eight o'clock.
Kids aren't on stage.
Kids were in the auditorium.
Teachers off to the side.
She's crying. Parents are irate.
It's a shitshow.
Pull us outside as the parents.
Teacher addresses the parents.
"I..."
"All I can do is apologize."
"What I've done is horrific."
"And if you'll allow me the opportunity
to keep my job, I will do better."
In the back, I'm like,
"Someone fucked a kid."
I'm starting to loosen up
to go high-five a fifth grader.
And she says...
"Two weeks ago,
in preparing for this dance,
I assumed your children's gender,
and I paired them up boy, girl."
"Now, I understand
what an egregious error I have made,
and if you give me an opportunity,
I will show you
I'm not the monster you think I am."
Now, hold on. I want to say this
real quick, just so we're clear.
I want every child in this world
to feel 100% awesome 100% of the time.
I'll do what I can to make that happen,
that is how I feel.
But it's fifth grade, right? Like...
It's 8:00 in the morning.
We're hungover. Let's wrap it up.
I think we're done, right? Cool? Forgiven.
First parent stands up.
She goes, "My name is Jennifer.
Pronouns: she/her."
I'm like, "Oh, shit."
"This isn't gonna go well."
She goes...
"Our household are strong allies."
"We have family members in the community,
and I want you to know that I can hear
that apology, but it is shallow."
"Actions speak louder than words,
so if you do keep your job,
you should do better."
And she sits down.
Now, I don't know if you know
how this works,
but the next parent
has to out-liberal the first parent.
You can't be like, "Eh,"
because then you look like Alex Jones.
"Frogs are gay. Hoo!"
And it goes around the horn.
They light this bitch up left and right.
And the teacher, God bless her,
she's taking it on the chin
until it gets to me and LeeAnn.
I'm like, "I'll take this."
LeeAnn's like, "Please don't."
I said, "Hi, my name's Bert.
I'm Ila's, uh, parent."
I said, "First off, it's fifth grade."
"No one's finger-fucking
in the back of a Jetta tonight."
It's 8:30 in the morning.
Everyone's listening now, right?
I said, "As Ila's parent,
it goes without saying that I do notcare
if my child dances with a boy
or dances with a girl."
"I will do everything in my power
to love her and support her."
Yeah.
"As long as it's white." Now...
How do you not go for the fucking joke?
It's right there! It's right...
It's 8:00 in the morning.
They didn't see it coming.
The pronoun parents
lost their fucking shit.
LeeAnn hops up.
"He's a comedian! He's a comedian!"
They're like, "Listen to her accent.
They're racist!"
Dude, I'll tell you the worst one.
The worst one, LeeAnn and I one time
went to a wine tasting-slash-raffle.
Tuesday night...
On the way there,LeeAnn's in the car.
She's driving.
She's like,
"Let's not get fucking wasted tonight."
I'm like, "Too late!"
I've been drinking in the shower
It's a Tuesday night. I'm getting ripped.
Are you kidding me?
Yeah, I have a one-hitter in my pocket.
It's going down.
I get there.
I've never been to a wine tasting.
They don't give you, like, big goblets.
They give you these baby cups,
like Michael Jackson's
about to eat our assholes.
I think that's how he did it.
I'm not sure.
So I bail on the tasting.
Find the dads that party.
Ten dads over by the stage.
They've already bought all their wine.
They've opened up the bottles
and drinking like it's Game of Thrones.
One dad's in an Austin 3:16 shirt.
I'm like, "That's my fucking table."
So I go over to them, chop it up.
Work my way to the raffle
towards the end of the night.
My buddyDarren's running the raffle.
I go, "Yo..."
"What you got in the pot?"
He's like, "I've only sold 40 tickets."
I said, "Oh, your prizes suck?"
He goes, "No, I got 12 great prizes."
I said, "Bullshit.
Why is no one buying tickets?"
He goes, "The parents found out
that the money for this raffle
doesn't go to our school,
but an underprivileged school."
"They don't want to chip in
if their kids won't benefit."
"They'd rather spend money on wine."
I'm like, "Are you fucking serious?"
He goes, "I guess." I said, "Okay."
"How many tickets do you want to sell?"
He's like, "Well, 700 is our goal."
I said, "Cool, put me in for 660."
He's like, "For real?"
I said, "Yeah, but close the raffle now."
He goes, "If I do,
you're gonna win a lot of the prizes."
I go, "Darren, I want to win all of them."
He goes, "If you do that,
that'll upset some parents."
I go,
"It would break my heart if it didn't."
I go, "You want to make
your money or not?"
He goes, "I want to make that money."
I said, "Give me 660 tickets,
close the raffle right now,
and do not tell a soul."
"What about LeeAnn?"
"Definitely don't tell her."
This man took me to the back of a wine bar
and started a giggle
that lasted the entire evening
as he peeled off...
...six hundred and sixty tickets.
When he handed them to me,
he was shaking like he was selling drugs
in ninth grade.
I ripped off the first ticket
and the last ticket.
I said, "Darren, anything in between,
you know I have."
I have never been more excited
for any event in my life.
The birth of my children?
I picked the table furthest from thestage
where they were calling the numbers
and mapped out my parade route.
I had two tickets in my hand.
LeeAnn came over.
"You bought raffle tickets?"
I go, "A couple."
He called the first number.
I practically leapt out of my shoes.
I was like, "Oh, that's me!"
I bumped into every parent on the way.
"Oh, I'm so sorry."
"No, I won. I have the winning ticket, I..."
"There's 12 prizes,
and I won the first one!"
"Bert Kreischer. Yes, that's my name.
I'm so sorry."
I get to the stage, grab my prize.
Ten drunk dads are there.
They're like, "What did you win, Bert?"
I go, "It's a Fitbit."
"I'll be tracking my steps tonight, boys."
Get back to the table, look at LeeAnn.
I go, "Make some fucking room."
He calls out the next number.
I go, "Oh shit!"
"That's me too!"
I start to walk. My wife, unprovoked,
stands up on the foot of her stool
and announces to this wine bar,
"My husband
is the luckiest guy in the world!"
"Swear to God, I swear to God."
"I wouldn't be shocked
if he won all 12 prizes."
I'm on stage now, like,
"From her mouth to God's ears."
Grab my prize. Ten drunk dads are like,
"What did you win?"
"Don't know, don't fucking care."
Get back to the center, I go,
"Call the next fucking number, Darren."
He calls it, I look at LeeAnn,
I go, "Bingo, bitch!"
The king is back!
Now I'm just staring at parents, going,
"What did I win, Darren?"
He is crying-laughing, and he goes,
"Diamond earrings."
I go, "Well, pierce my ears
and call me Kaitlyn."
I'm on stage putting diamonds
in my high school holes...
...when I see the energy of the room shift.
It's starting in the back
with a circle of people
around the principal,
who yells out, "Check his tickets!"
I yell back, "Mind your own business!"
She does not like that.
And now she storms the stage.
"I see three prizes but only two tickets."
"I want to see his tickets."
Darren Turbow is laughing way too hard
to do anything.
And I watch the energy of the room halt.
The dudes in the kitchen,
they're not cooking anymore.
They're looking out
that little sliver of a window, just...
The bartender who was making a drink
audibly slows down, just...
The ten drunk dads who trusted me
now are looking at me
like I let them down.
The way a child looks at his sports hero
and goes, "Say it ain't so, OJ."
I let that energy breathe...
...as I reached into my pockets,
grabbed onto 658 tickets
like they were a hot rattlesnake,
threw them in the air and went,
"Read 'em and weep, motherfuckers!"
The room went fucking bananas.
Ten drunk dads pounding on the table.
"Let's fucking go!"
The principal is livid.
I look at LeeAnn. She is not laughing.
Principal sees this,
makes a beeline to my wife,
gets in her face and goes,
"You need to make him stop right now."
- My wife doesn't even miss a beat.
- Takes a breath and goes...
"Sugar, he hasn't even started."
Oh.
"Honey, honey, there's nine more prizes
and his shirt's still on."
"It's gonna get way worse."
Then my wife kills her glass of red wine,
looks at the stage and goes...
"Call the next fucking number, Darren."
Prize number four, my shirt came off.
Prize number five,
Steve Austin's shirt came off.
Prize number six,
a mom unwittingly in the back
said just a little too loud,
"Who the fuck is this guy?"
To which the bartender replied,
"He's the fucking machine!"
By prize 11, the room was polarized.
You either absolutely loved
what was going on,
like the ten drunk dads and the bartender...
...or you hated it.
And if you hated it,
you were now surrounding the stage
protesting the raffle.
These Capitol stormers...
...were unhappy
with the outcome of their day,
and took it upon...
Look, when he called prize 12,
I knew what I had to do.
I had to hit him with the "suck it."
Just...
Suck it!
Twenty of them, just around the horns.
Suck it!Suck it!Suck it!Suck it!
Suck! Suck!Suck!Suck!
Suck! Suck!Suck!Suck!Suck!
I was ready. It was my job.
And as he called the number,
I go to hit the first "Suck it"
and realize I don't have that ticket.
Oh, you think you were upset?
Ten drunks dads are pounding
on the table going, "Recount! Recount!"
The people that hated me
were mocking me at the top of their lungs.
They're like,
"That's what you get, fat boy!"
"Put your shirt on, loser!
You're a loser!"
They were so loud, I could barely hear
my wife in the back go,
"Oh, that's me!"
We won all 12 prizes.
And then I spent the rest of the night
drunk, shirtless with my ears pierced...
...holding 11 prizes,
walking up to parents, going,
"What did you guys win?"
"Oh, I won everything. I totally forgot."
The best part of that story,
in my opinion,
is that LeeAnn got it.
That she got the...
She doesn't always get the joke, you know?
Like, some things just...
January 2020.
I'm on a flight with my wife
to Burlington, Vermont.
We get a text from my buddy,Tom Segura.
Now... yes, yeah.
If you do not know who that is,
he's a stand-up comedian
who cannot do... that.
So...
That simple act.
That little act
will make this leg explode.
And this arm will break in half right here
and spin in circles.
Crazy. Crazy.
Big racist. Now he said...
Yeah, yeah.
Big fan of Nazis. Anyway...
Tom sends me and LeeAnn a text,
a group text, and it says,
"Hey, I don't know if you guys have heard
about this new virus
called the coronavirus,
but it's a real thing, and I just read
an article in the L.A. Times."
"There's been an outbreak
in your neighborhood."
"Here's a link to the article.
You might want to check it out."
This is January 2020.
I'm in a panic. I have heard of it,
but in our neighborhood?
So I clicked the link.
I don't know if you got this.
But it wasn't an article.
It was a picture of a Black man...
...naked on the side of a bed, just...
I open the link, see the picture, I laugh.
It's funny, right?
I finish my double Jack on the rocks,
lots of rocks.
I pass out.
I wake up in Burlington, Vermont
to my wife in a tizzy.
We're on the tarmac and she goes,
"Did you get that text from Tommy?"
I said, "Yeah, I did."
She goes, "Fucking terrifying."
I said, "I wouldn't say that.
I think that's racist."
I mean, it's more than I could fit,
but yeah.
She goes, "No, it's in our neighborhood."
I go, "Did you click the link?"
She goes, "No, I didn't have time."
"Flight attendant
made me put my phone away."
I said, "You have to click the link."
She goes, "Is it bad?"
I said, "Worse than you think."
And I watched this woman click that link.
And the picture of that man...
His name's Wood, fittingly.
...comes up, and I watch her
just see it, and she goes,
"Oh no!" And swipes out.
My wife doesn't like
looking at big cocks. So...
Thankfully.
She looks at me, confused.
Now, I'm just chuckling.
She clicks the link again.
Must have been user error, right?
Same picture shows up, only this time
I watch her attempt to scroll...
...as if she's gonna find an article
attached to that picture.
Finds no such article. Swipes out.
Clicks the link a third fucking time.
I am now crying-laughing.
And she goes, "I don't know
what's so funny. My phone's broken."
I said, "It's a joke."
She goes, "What?"
I said, "What do you mean, 'What'?"
"It's a picture."
"You thought you'd read an article,
now you're looking at this cock."
"It's a joke."
She goes, "That's not funny."
I said, "I disagree."
I watched you open it three times.
It got funnier and funnier.
Her face goes white and she goes,
"No, that's not funny."
"I sent that to all the moms
at Georgia's school."
I go, "You're right, that's not funny.
That's fucking epic!"
I grab her phone
and read the replies from the moms.
The best were the cool moms
who were like,
"I hope that doesn't hit my house."
One mom was like,
"My ninth grader is not ready for that."
Our friend Lynn Gruson wrote back,
"Are you sure that's the coronavirus?"
"I think I had that in college."
And then she goes even paler
and she goes, "I sentthat to our girls."
I called Georgia, I go, "George,
Mom sent you a link to an article."
"Did you see it?"
She goes, "Dad, I can't unsee it."
"I was at softball practice.
I opened it in front of the coach."
I was like, "What did Coach say?"
"Coach said we need to get one
for batting practice."
I go, "What about your sister?"
She throws Ila the phone.
I go, "Ila, Mom sent you a link.
Did you see it?"
She goes, "I did."
I said, "What did you think?"
She goes, "Interesting article."
My daughters have
the most fucked-up sense of humor.
For Georgia's birthday one year,
she gets a psychic.
She's gonna tell her and all her friends
about their past lives, right?
The lady comes to the house.
She's 100 years old.
Sits down across from Georgia
and her friends.
Ila and I are at the end.
She goes, "Okay, who's the birthday girl?"
Ila hits me and goes,
"One hell of a psychic, Dad."
Georgia's like, "I am, I am!"
She puts her palm out
and the lady goes, "Okay..."
"In a past life,
you were a general in a great war."
"You were responsible
for the death of 257 men."
"Those men's souls will haunt you
until the day you die."
Ila's next to me. She just goes...
Happy birthday to you
The best one,
from one of Georgia's birthdays.
Both the girls pull me aside, "Hey, Dad."
"We want to go to an escape room."
I'm like, "Both you geniuses?"
"You guys gonna put all 80 IQ points
together and see what happens in a room?"
Shut the fuck up!
They're like, "We want you to go too."
I go, "You want to add
drugs and alcohol? Okay."
"Good call."
They go, "No, you and Papa."
I go, "I'm gonna stop you right there."
"Uh, me and my dad
don't work well together as a team."
"Okay, ladies? It's not gonna end well.
It's gonna end horrifically."
And they both are looking at me,
and they go, "Yeah, we know."
I said, "What?" Georgia goes,
"That's what I want for my birthday."
"I want to see Papa lose his shit
and you have a panic attack."
I was like,
"All right, he's cheap. I'll call him."
So I call my dad. My dad is 75 years old.
Lives in Tampa. Losing his hearing.
I go, "Hey, Dad.
When you guys are out in L.A.,
the girls want to go to an escape room."
He goes, "Rape room?"
I go, "Yeah, Dad, that's what they want."
"They want to go get raped together.
All of us."
"And then after we've all been raped,
we want to go to The Cheesecake Factory."
I go, "No, Dad, an escape room."
And he goes, "Escape room?
What the fuck's an escape room?"
And I hear my mom in their kitchen,
going, "Yes! We're going!"
"I saw about this on the internet.
We're going!"
"I've always wondered
how I'd fare in a kidnapping."
My dad's like,
"Pump your brakes. We're not going."
"What the fuck is an escape room?"
And my mom's like,
"They grab you, they throw you in a van."
I'm like, "Don't listen to Mom, Dad."
I go, "Dad, it's a room
where we pay these kids 200 bucks."
"They lock us in the room,
and we gotta figure out how to get out."
And he's quiet on the phone
for a second, then he goes,
"Give me 50 bucks.
I'll lock your kids in a car."
My mom snatches the phone away and goes,
"Tell my granddaughters we're going."
"They can count on us."
"Are we supposed to wear leather?"
I'm like, "Easy, Mom."
So we go.
Me, my wife, my parents, my daughters.
We all go.
Now, here's where it starts to veer wrong.
As we start driving,
you know how escape rooms
normally happen in, like, a mall?
This was in a dude's house.
He had converted every room in his house
into an escape room,
much like John Wayne Gacy.
We pull into the neighborhood.
My dad's like, "No fucking way."
Georgia's like,
"Pop, I heard it's really scary."
He goes,
"I'm shitting my pants now, ladies."
We see a house painted all black,
no landscaping.
LeeAnn's like, "I think that's it."
My dad's like, "Keep fucking going."
Get out, go up to the door,
knock on the door.
Dude's already in character.
Oh.
Dude, it's L.A. This guy's good.
Silk robe, towel around his head,
stroking a kitty cat.
And he just goes...
"Have you seen my mother?"
My dad grabs my hand, he goes,
"What the fuck did he just say?"
I go, "He's looking for his mother."
He goes, "Tell him his mother
can suck my dick."
My dad's like, "Is this real?
Is this real?"
I go, "It's part of the escape room.
Play along."
He goes, "Would you like to see
a tour of my house?"
And my mom's,
"Yes, we would love to see a tour."
"What's your mom's name? How old is she?
Where'd she go to college? Take notes."
So we go on a tour of the house.
The women are into it.
And my dad
is picking this guy apart left and right.
He's like...
"He smells like shit."
"Buddy, I think he fucking lives here.
I think he lives..."
"What kind of fucking lunatic
lives where every room is an..."
"He was just eating lunch."
"He's eating mac and cheese with coffee.
Who the fuck drinks coffee..."
"Black coffee with mac and cheese?
He's got IBS, I guarantee you."
I'm like, "I don't think
these are helpful clues, Dad."
The guy comes in.
"Like to see Mother's room?"
My dad goes,
"Absolutely fucking not."
My mom's like,
"Yes, we want to see."
He's like, "Mother doesn't allow
car keys, cell phones, or wallets,
so empty your pockets
and put them on the kitchen table."
And like sheep, we're like, "Okay."
We empty our pockets.
Walk into the room.
And the second I step into the room,
I feel the door shut and lock behind me.
And I have a panic attack.
The first thing I think is,
he didn't ask our names.
We didn't give him a credit card.
We didn't fill out a waiver.
We didn't even really check the address.
We just saw one sketchy house
in a neighborhood,
knocked on the door,
he presented a problem,
and we're like,
"The Scooby-Doo gang will figure it out."
Now we're locked in this fucking house.
My dad's next to me going, "Tell me
where I steer wrong in this story."
"Did you just walk your family
into a serial killer's house?"
Georgia goes, "Papa, isn't this scary?"
He goes, "You have no fucking idea."
"You two are getting sold
to the goddamn Albanians tonight."
"You'll be working in a Chechen whorehouse
the rest of your lives."
Ila's like,
"Papa, how do we get out of here?"
He goes,
"I think I have to suck that guy's dick."
"Someone's sucking his dick.
I nominate your shithead dad."
My mom's in the corner,
"You think he's gonna tie us up?"
My dad's like, "Shut the fuck up, Maggie!"
"Your shithead son just walked us
into a serial killer's house
who smells like shit."
"Did anyone smell this guy?"
"Maybe it's because he eats mac and cheese
and coffee all fucking day."
Guy's like, "Sir, I can hear you."
Now I'm having
a full-blown anxiety attack,
and for me, they happen in my stomach,
and I have to shit immediately.
I'm looking around the room for a vase
or something to shit in.
My dad knows me way too well.
He goes, "Oh fucking no, you don't!"
"It's tennis camp all over again.
He's gonna shit in the houseplant."
"Goddamn it, this fucking shithead
walks us into a serial killer's house,
and now he's gonna shit
in his mom's room?"
My daughters are skipping,
they're so excited.
My wife is a fucking savage.
She saw four clues by herself.
Pulls a lever under the desk.
House lights drop out.
We hear two screams and a thud.
Lights click back on.
I'm holding both my daughters
like a human shield.
My mother's on the floor
in a steamer trunk.
"Your father threw me into the wall!"
My dad's like,
"Fuck her, she's a liar. She tripped."
Guy's like, "I saw it.
He threw her into the wall."
LeeAnn solves two more clues
and a trapdoor opens up out of the wall,
exposing a crawl space
two feet tall by three feet wide,
down the length of the wall
into another room.
My mom sticks her head in.
Pops out and goes...
"I think we should all get in the wall."
My dad's like, "You first."
She gets in the wall,
he goes, "Fuck her, she's dead to us."
"Good riddance. We didn't need her."
LeeAnn gets in the wall and he goes,
"There goes the brains of the operation!"
"I'm stuck with you three shitheads.
Get in the fucking wall."
I go, "I'm not getting in the wall, Dad."
Georgia goes, "Make Dad get in the wall."
I go, "Georgia, I'm claustrophobic."
Ila's like, "What's Christmas
have to do with this, Dad?"
"Shut the fuck up, Ila!"
My dad's like,
"Buddy, I got bad news for you."
"You're getting in that fucking wall."
He goes, "Girls, you get in first.
Big guy, I will be behind you."
"You close your eyes. Listen to my voice."
"I'll coach you through the wall,
and trust me,
if you freeze up, I will bulldoze your ass
through that fucking wall."
"Now, let's fucking go."
And we get in the wall.
My daughters, me, my dad.
I listened to his voice,
like when I was a kid and played baseball.
"We got this, big guy."
"We can do anything."
"Listen to my voice. We can do this.
Me and you. Big team."
Now...
...I don't know if it was...
the angle of my body...
...the anxiety...
that was resting in my stomach...
or shimmying on all fours...
...but I let out a novel virus fart, like...
The kind that come out of your ass
like hot breath, just...
The kind of farts that escape your body
like a curse out
of a mummy's sarcophagus, just...
The kind of farts that burn yourasshole.
Just the fart, the air burns your asshole.
And you think to yourself,"That was air.
I'm gonna be shitting blood later."
And I release it into my father's mouth
human centipede-style.
He goes from coach to cunt real quick.
Just, "We got this, big guy!"
"We can... We can..."
"Oh fuck, keep going."
"We can do any...
What the fuck?!"
"I think we rolled up
on a dead animal."
"I think it's asbestos."
"It's burning my eyes!
Keep moving."
"I feel like I'm in the tunnel
from Shawshank Redemption."
"Why aren't you moving?"
"It's in my skin!"
"It's burning my clo..."
"Move, asshole!"
I turned around, I go,
"I can't. I think I'm gonna shit."
He goes, "You did this?!"
"You did this?!
I think you gave me cancer!"
"I can taste it in my molars!
Keep moving!"
My daughters come flying out of that wall
the happiest they've ever fucking been.
Go right up to my mom and they go,
"Nana, it's happening."
I come out of the wall, I'm like,
"Nana, big guy's unhappy."
My dad comes out of that wall
like Saddam Hussein out of a spider hole.
"Cocksucker! Motherfucker!"
"God! You're going to a fucking doctor!"
"That is not healthy. That is not..."
"He shits like your side
of the family, Maggie."
"You need a colonoscopy.
You need a colonoscopy."
"That's what's wrong. I'm telling you.
Where the fuck's your goddamn wife?"
LeeAnn comes out
of the rafters of the ceiling...
...and is like, "I think I solved
the escape room, Albert."
"Try one of the doors."
He goes, "The fuck I will!"
Grabs the first handle
of three on the wall,
and it doesn't move, it's just locked.
My daughters now have crossed their legs.
They're about to piss their pants.
He is at a level nine. "Motherfucker!"
Grabs the next door.
Nothing. "Cocksucker!"
Grabs the third door,
and as it flies open,
he turns his back to the door,
looks at us and goes,
"Fucking finally!"
He doesn't see what we see...
which is a 90-year-old woman
in her nightgown in a closet.
She's been in this closet for 45 minutes.
I don't know who's more scared, her or us.
She's trying to adjust her eyes
to the light and remember her line.
And she just goes...
My dad shuts the door...
...puts his heel on it, and he's like,
"Everybody, back in the fucking wall!"
My girls are now on the fucking floor.
Georgia looks at me and goes,
"This is better than I thought
it could have ever been!"
My dad looks at me and he goes,
"What the fuck are they talking about?"
I go, "Dad, you're not gonna be happy
when you hear this."
"But the only reason
they wanted you to come...
is for this right now."
He goes, "To solve the escape room?"
I go, "No, to watch you lose your shit."
He's still standing there,
heel on the door.
Looks around the room
like he's trying to find someone to love.
Lands on my daughters and he goes,
"You wanted this?"
"This is what you wanted."
Looks at his watch and he goes,
"My Apple Watch says my heart rate's 154."
"I'm 75 years old, ladies."
"I'm on nine different medications."
"I got high blood pressure,
high cholesterol."
"Your father just shit in my mouth!"
"And we got the old lady from Titanic
locked in a fucking closet!"
"And this is what you wanted?"
Ila looks at Georgia and goes...
Happy birthday to you
Omaha!
Thank you!Thank you!Thank you!
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage
Bert Kreischer!
Yes!
Thank you.Thank you.
Thank you. Yes.
You look beautiful, sir.
Thank you.Thank you.
I look beautiful. Thank you, sir.
This is the skinniest fat I've ever been.
Yeah, yeah. I know, I know.
I'm so fat, when I jog,
my ass hairs tie in a knot.
Yeah. You don't even know it's happening.
It's really a treat.
Get in the shower, get a handful of soap,
give yourself a little credit card action.
And you get denied.
I'm talking rope, ladies.
Ass cheek to ass cheek.
Usually it comes free. Most hairy men and...
some Italian women will tell you that.
You just put your finger on top
until you're free.
Like when you sleep in a braid.
Same thing.
One time, I was on vacation,
and it wouldn't come free.
Like, I'm the shower tugging.
And I'm panicking too,
because I got to take a shit.
If we don't do something,
I'm gonna have a Play-Doh factory there.
So I get out of the shower.
I grab my pocket knife.
I walk over to my wife.
I go, "I need to know if you're on my team
or off my team."
She's like, "I'm on your team."
My wife's a redneck.
I should have told you that.
On our marriage application,
in her hometown,
third question: "Are you blood relatives?"
I go, "What do we put for three?"
The lady goes, "Well, is you?"
I go, "I don't think we is."
"Then put you ain't."
"I'm not writing 'ain't.'
That means we is." So...
I hand my wife the pocket knife,
and I go, "We have a problem."
I turn around, show her the affected area.
And she says, "Why did you do that?"
Fantastic question,LeeAnn. You know...
I figured, we're on vacation.
Lady by the pool's like,
"Braid your hair. Braid you hair."
"I didn't do this on purpose, fuck nut."
"Now get to cutting, Sweeney Todd.
I'm cresting down here."
She's like, "I ain't doing that."
I was like, "Hate to break
your heart, redneck. I think you is."
"As a matter of fact,
you're the only person on this island
that will be cutting these ass hairs."
I can't call the front desk and be like,
"Send up a sure-handed boy."
"Better yet, who does your hedges?
I like his work."
She goes, "No, I ain't."
And she puts the knife down
and turns on the hair dryer
as if our conversation's over.
Oh, you want to play games?
Let's play fucking games.
I grabbed the knife.
I'm still naked, mind you.
I sit down on the bed, facing her.
Lay on my back, kick my feet in the air
like a baby getting his diaper changed,
and just go, "Wah!"
"Baby's got a knotty asshole!"
I didn't even hear my daughters
walk in the room.
All I heard was,
"Oh my God, Dad's vagina!"
Scared the shit outta me!
I hop up naked with a knife like
I'm fighting two hookers for my wallet.
LeeAnn doesn't even know what's going on.
She sees the commotion,
cuts off the hair dryer, and goes,
"Fine, give me the knife.
I'll cut your asshole."
My daughters are shell-shocked.
"What the fuck are you two doing?"
They storm out. I get in trouble.
She goes, "You know, heads-up,
you're not supposed to show
your daughters your dick."
I was like, "Objection, Amber Heard.
That's not what happened."
- Yeah. Walk it back, sister.
- Oh!
Yes.
First off, they didn't just
see my dick, okay?
That would have been a walk in the park.
They saw all of it.
The trilogy. All three stories.
Asshole, dick, and balls. The Middle East!
Secondly, I didn't show them my dick.
I wasn't like, "Hey, girls..."
"You almost done your homework?"
"Cool. Meet me in the garage in 15.
There's something I want to show you."
They didn't even see good dick either.
That's what bothered me.
No, hang on. Hear me out.
I'm not saying I want it to be rock-hard,
but, like...
...pretty hard.
You can't send your daughters to college
thinking their dad's got
the smallest dick.
First time they get a guy
and they're like, "Now, that's a cock."
"Shit!"
"Yeah, my dad has a penis. That's a cock."
"You could whip that out at a party.
My dad's got something you show a nurse."
They saw belly dick.
Just sitting there, defenseless, just...
Looks like a whale breaching.
Just...
Can't tell where it starts,
but you know where it stops.
Looks like a little boy looking in a well.
"What's going on in here?"
What the fuck, I saw my dad naked.
A lot.
A lot...
One time, he got in the shower with me.
I was taking too long. He had work.
I was in ninth grade.
Yeah, I panicked
and did the old Buffalo Bill
from Silence of the Lambs,just...
I saw my mom naked. Not a lot, but enough.
Enough that the first time
I got a chick naked,
I was like, "Where's your C-section scar?"
My wife's honest with them.
She's honest, 100% honest all the time.
The other night we're at dinner.
I'm three drinks in.
The girls go, "You guys ever done drugs?"
I'm like, "What are you, fucking cops?"
She just goes, "Yeah."
"What the fuck you doing?" She goes,
"You got to be honest with them girls."
"I smoked marijuana a couple of times."
"I didn't like it very much."
"Made me throw up. Never smoked it again."
"But your daddy's done cocaine."
I go, "What the fuck?"
"I don't think they're looking
for recommendations, LeeAnn."
She's like, "Go on, tell 'em.
Go on, tell 'em. Tell 'em."
"Tell 'em the truth now."
I was like, "Okay, I tried cocaine...
one time."
"I didn't like it very much."
"It made me throw up. Never did it again."
I hear her fucking laughing.
She goes, "That's a lie.
Your daddy's done cocaine a lot."
"Well, your mom lost her virginity at 13.
Go ahead, tell them that story. Yeah."
"Yeah. She's a whore!"
And she just leans into me, she goes,
"First of all, I was almost 14."
"And shit, ain't nothing to do
in my hometown but fuck, fight, and race."
I'm like, "Who did I marry, Ricky Bobby?"
"Sorry I ain't no prude like your daddy.
Your daddy's only been with six people."
"And he lost his virginity
when he was 17."
I was like, "First,
I've been with six women, not people."
And 17's a normal number.
But they've already heard 13.
Now they're looking at me, like...
"Were you homeschooled, Dad?"
I'm like, "Thirteen's the fucked-up number
in this story."
"Seventeen's normal. I'm so sorry
I wasn't molested like your mother."
I didn't spend high school
in the back of a pickup truck
in a field all "Next!"
I fucking hate that I love this woman.
My buddy... My buddy sold his company,
made a lot of money,
and got rid of his old wife, upgraded.
Twenty-seven years old.
Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah.
He brought her to our house,
showing her off. "She can't read at all."
That night, I get in bed with my wife.
My old one.
Socks on under the covers.
Sweater on. Bifocals. Reading a magazine.
Gotta lick that dead old dry finger
to turn a page.
I was drunk.
I leaned over... This is the relationship
I have with my wife, okay?
I just lean over, look at her, and go...
"I wonder what I could upgrade to."
She looks at me and goes,
"I'd like to see you fucking try."
She's all, "You wouldn't know
what to do with the floor model."
New car smell with the push-button start.
I said, "Yeah, I've been working
with the old beater too long."
Just...
You ever get your wife close to an orgasm
and watch it just disappear?
You get her right there...
Then the cat jumps up on the bed.
"Are we fucking this bitch?"
You're like, "Goddamn it, Gus Gus,
get the fuck out of here."
Here, let me go. One, two, three.
That's how it's done. Jesus, fuck!
I'm fast at sex. I'm so fast,
one time I had an orgasm and she laughed.
She goes, "Shit, I don't think
you could've gotten AIDS from that one."
Yeah. She's a bully.
A fucking bully.
She doesn't give me a blowjob.
Oh, no.
She toys with me.
Grabs my dick.
Stares at me, just, "Oh."
"Oh, oh."
Is this thing on?
Do you know how soul-sucking it is
to have to fake laugh
to get your dick sucked?
As a comedian...
I told my buddy Tom this, he goes,
"That would break my spirit."
He goes, "Know what I'd do
if I was lucky to suck your cock?"
I was like, "Please tell me."
He said, "I'd respect the fact
that you're a comedian,
and I would bring you
original material every time."
I said, "Like what?"
He didn't flinch.
"I'd grab your dick, look you in the eyes,
and go, 'This week, on a very special
episode of Man v. Food.'"
"'One man takes one dick
to the mouth until it explodes.'"
We cried laughing.
And then one month later,
I'm in bed with my wife.
She goes down to give me a blowjob.
I completely forgot
the conversation I had with Tom...
...until she...
taps on my dick,
and I start laughing hysterically.
She goes, "Finally, you get it."
I said, "What?"
She goes, "Get the joke?
It's a microphone."
I said,
"You thought I didn't get the joke?"
She goes, "You don't laugh."
I said, "Because it's not fucking funny."
She goes, "Not funny,
why are you laughing now?"
I said, "I'm thinking about Tom."
"He does this better than you."
She's turned my daughters into bullies.
Yeah. We were watching a documentary
the other night on Gandhi.
All I said was, "I don't get
the whole hunger strike thing."
My daughter Georgia looks me up and down
and goes, "No shit."
They don't call me Dad.
They have nicknames, like "Chonk."
Or "Fetus." They call me "Fetus."
They had a nickname they were calling me
behind my back for two years.
We're at dinner one night.
LeeAnn sends a text.
Both the girls giggle.
"Oh, good one, Mom."
I said, "What is it?"
They said, "You wouldn't get it."
I said, "I'm the funniest motherfucker
at this table."
"My comedy's paying for this dinner
and those teeth. Run it by me."
Ila's like, "I don't think
you'd find it funny."
So I go to the bathroom.
I come back quick.
I look over Ila's shoulder. She's slow.
What I see is a series of pictures of me,
and the chat thread is titled,
"Baby Walrus."
My stomach drops. I sit down at the table.
I go, "What the fuck is Baby Walrus?"
They freeze. They're like,
"Oh, it's not, 'What's Baby Walrus?'"
"It's, 'Who's Baby Walrus?'"
I said, "Who the fuck is Baby Walrus?"
Ila goes, "I think you know
who Baby Walrus is."
Georgia goes, "Calm down, Dad."
"It's just Mom thinks
when you put on fancy clothes,
you look like a baby walrus
who's trying to escape from the zoo."
I looked at LeeAnn. She goes, "Calm down.
You actually behave like a baby walrus."
I said, "No, I don't."
And then the waitress came over.
She goes, "Double Tito's and soda,
big glass, no lime?"
I didn't even think I did it.
I went...
Ila pulls out here phone.
"Baby Walrus loves vodka." Click, click.
I will destroy these women.
My daughters are dumb as fuck.
We went camping one time.
Whole family goes camping.
Middle of nowhere.
Ten o'clock at night.
Girls are roasting marshmallows.
LeeAnn's over by the tent, cleaning up.
I'm drinking moonshine.
Ten o'clock at night,
we hear a gunshot ring out.
Just...
We're frozen. LeeAnn's a redneck.
She's like, "Someone got their period,"
or whatever.
She's not even this big of a redneck,
but she hates this accent.
So it's gonna get worse
throughout the show.
It's ten o'clock at night.
We heard a gunshot. We're fucking frozen.
No one says a word for ten seconds.
And then we hear another gunshot ring out.
My daughter Ila pulls her marshmallow
out of the fire,
looks at all of us very confidently,
and goes, "Well...
we know it's not a suicide."
I was like, "Thanks, Matlock."
She goes, "Two gunshots, Dad."
"I follow your math there, big brain."
This child will make you stupid by proxy.
We're in the car one time.
Georgia's up front, I'm driving.
Ila's in the back seat.
And we drive past a sign that says,
"Deaf child."
And immediately I hear
the think tank in the back start bubbling.
Ila just, to herself, goes,
"Oh, well, that's racist."
I go, "Nope. No, it's not. That's...
That's not what racism looks like."
And Georgia goes,
"Ila, they put that sign up
so we know when we're in this neighborhood
we should lower our radios."
I'm like, "What the fuck?"
"No, finish this.
I want to hear the end of this."
She goes, "So we don't rub it in
that we can hear, right, Dad?"
I'm like, "No, that's not...
Shit, you're dumber than she is."
"No. No."
"No, Georgia,
that's not why they have that."
"It's so you know there's a kid that
may not hear your car coming, Georgia."
And then Ila leans up at the front
and goes, "So are deaf kids like guns?"
"Do you have to register them
with the state?"
I'm like, "What are you talking about?"
She goes, "Well, Dad, how do they know
where to put those signs?"
And now I'm sitting in the front seat
of this clown car,
thinking sincerely to myself,
"How do they know
where to put those signs?"
You cannot put me and this child together.
We're bad news.
We're dumb as fuck
and we have impulse control problems.
We went to Georgia's
choir concert one time.
Four hours long, just to set the scene.
Four hours of choir.
And LeeAnn doesn't even sit in the room.
She sits in the back and sells baked goods
with friends and chitchats for hours.
Meanwhile, Ila and I have to sit
in the front row for four hours.
She's having a blast.
Ila and I are getting fucked in the ass.
Two hours into this choir concert,
choir teacher comes out
and lets us know they're auctioning
use of the school snow machine
to the highest bidder.
Opening bid is $50, and I feel Ila
shaking like a junkie next to me.
I go, "What's wrong with you?"
And she goes, "Fetus..."
"...we need that snow machine."
I'm like, "Uh, we're getting
that fucking snow machine."
She's like, "Should I go out and ask Mom?"
"Fuck that bitch. She's not here."
"I'm a parent also, Ila.
I can make decisions too."
She's like, "Do we have $50?"
I go, "Baby, without your mom in the room,
we have stupid fucking money."
"Watch and learn. I'm about to drop
a big dick on this room."
I stand up in the front row.
Teacher gets excited.
"Do I hear an opening bid of $50?"
I said, "Honey, cut out the riffraff."
"Make it 500."
Room goes crazy.
I sit down. Ila's shaking back and forth.
"Ahh!"
I go, "What's wrong?"
She goes, "You just dropped
a big dick on the room, Dad!"
Laughter dies out.
I hear one dad in the back still laughing.
I'm like, "Shit, we got a problem."
Ila's like, "What is it?"
"There's another alcoholic dad here
looking for action."
"It's gonna be a long night, baby."
Dude in the back
just stands up quick, "550!"
Whole room does that. "Oh!"
Except for my daughter,
who punches me in the leg and goes,
"Stand up and be a man."
"Tell him 600, Dad."
I said, "No, baby,
that's not how we're gonna play it."
"Now's when we hit him
with the razzle dazzle."
She...
She goes, "What's that?"
I said, "You stand up, you say 600,
then turn around and wink at him."
Now she's turned into a baby walrus.
She goes, "I can do that?"
I go, "If you don't, you sleep outside."
This is what a thousand parents saw:
a fifth grader in the front row stand up.
In fairness,
I didn't know she was nervous.
I also didn't know
the kid couldn't fucking wink, okay?
Who the fuck can't wink?
She turns around trembling.
Finds her guy, goes,
"$600!"
And then proceeds to have aseizure...
...trying to ekeout a wink. Just...
Sits down, she goes, "How did I do, Dad?"
I go, "You just dropped a big dick
on that room."
Old boy in the back
is losing his fucking mind.
He stands up, he goes, "Baby girl, $700."
I'm like, "Whoa, you coming
after my daughter, bro?"
I stand up, stare him down, I go, "$800."
Ila stands up, "$900!"
I'm like, "You're bidding against me,
you fucking moron."
She's ear to ear,
"Hit him with the razzle dazzle, Dad!"
We won that snow machine for $1,800.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I got... I got in trouble.
I did. My behavior was... questionable.
I can't tell if it's...
I can't tell if it's me
or the fact that I live in L.A.
Like, I think if I lived here,
I'd be like a pretty normal dad.
Dare I say progressive.
But in L.A., I'm a problem.
I'll... I'm gonna...
Okay, I'm gonna tell you a story.
But do not
insert your politics into it, okay?
Just listen to the story,
enjoy it for what it is.
Okay.
End of Ila's fifth grade year,
they throw a dance.
They taught all the kids the foxtrot
in fifth grade, right?
Parents sit in the auditorium
and we watch kids do the foxtrot on stage,
go out, milk and cookies
8:30 in the morning, call it a day. Boom.
We show up at eight o'clock.
Kids aren't on stage.
Kids were in the auditorium.
Teachers off to the side.
She's crying. Parents are irate.
It's a shitshow.
Pull us outside as the parents.
Teacher addresses the parents.
"I..."
"All I can do is apologize."
"What I've done is horrific."
"And if you'll allow me the opportunity
to keep my job, I will do better."
In the back, I'm like,
"Someone fucked a kid."
I'm starting to loosen up
to go high-five a fifth grader.
And she says...
"Two weeks ago,
in preparing for this dance,
I assumed your children's gender,
and I paired them up boy, girl."
"Now, I understand
what an egregious error I have made,
and if you give me an opportunity,
I will show you
I'm not the monster you think I am."
Now, hold on. I want to say this
real quick, just so we're clear.
I want every child in this world
to feel 100% awesome 100% of the time.
I'll do what I can to make that happen,
that is how I feel.
But it's fifth grade, right? Like...
It's 8:00 in the morning.
We're hungover. Let's wrap it up.
I think we're done, right? Cool? Forgiven.
First parent stands up.
She goes, "My name is Jennifer.
Pronouns: she/her."
I'm like, "Oh, shit."
"This isn't gonna go well."
She goes...
"Our household are strong allies."
"We have family members in the community,
and I want you to know that I can hear
that apology, but it is shallow."
"Actions speak louder than words,
so if you do keep your job,
you should do better."
And she sits down.
Now, I don't know if you know
how this works,
but the next parent
has to out-liberal the first parent.
You can't be like, "Eh,"
because then you look like Alex Jones.
"Frogs are gay. Hoo!"
And it goes around the horn.
They light this bitch up left and right.
And the teacher, God bless her,
she's taking it on the chin
until it gets to me and LeeAnn.
I'm like, "I'll take this."
LeeAnn's like, "Please don't."
I said, "Hi, my name's Bert.
I'm Ila's, uh, parent."
I said, "First off, it's fifth grade."
"No one's finger-fucking
in the back of a Jetta tonight."
It's 8:30 in the morning.
Everyone's listening now, right?
I said, "As Ila's parent,
it goes without saying that I do notcare
if my child dances with a boy
or dances with a girl."
"I will do everything in my power
to love her and support her."
Yeah.
"As long as it's white." Now...
How do you not go for the fucking joke?
It's right there! It's right...
It's 8:00 in the morning.
They didn't see it coming.
The pronoun parents
lost their fucking shit.
LeeAnn hops up.
"He's a comedian! He's a comedian!"
They're like, "Listen to her accent.
They're racist!"
Dude, I'll tell you the worst one.
The worst one, LeeAnn and I one time
went to a wine tasting-slash-raffle.
Tuesday night...
On the way there,LeeAnn's in the car.
She's driving.
She's like,
"Let's not get fucking wasted tonight."
I'm like, "Too late!"
I've been drinking in the shower
It's a Tuesday night. I'm getting ripped.
Are you kidding me?
Yeah, I have a one-hitter in my pocket.
It's going down.
I get there.
I've never been to a wine tasting.
They don't give you, like, big goblets.
They give you these baby cups,
like Michael Jackson's
about to eat our assholes.
I think that's how he did it.
I'm not sure.
So I bail on the tasting.
Find the dads that party.
Ten dads over by the stage.
They've already bought all their wine.
They've opened up the bottles
and drinking like it's Game of Thrones.
One dad's in an Austin 3:16 shirt.
I'm like, "That's my fucking table."
So I go over to them, chop it up.
Work my way to the raffle
towards the end of the night.
My buddyDarren's running the raffle.
I go, "Yo..."
"What you got in the pot?"
He's like, "I've only sold 40 tickets."
I said, "Oh, your prizes suck?"
He goes, "No, I got 12 great prizes."
I said, "Bullshit.
Why is no one buying tickets?"
He goes, "The parents found out
that the money for this raffle
doesn't go to our school,
but an underprivileged school."
"They don't want to chip in
if their kids won't benefit."
"They'd rather spend money on wine."
I'm like, "Are you fucking serious?"
He goes, "I guess." I said, "Okay."
"How many tickets do you want to sell?"
He's like, "Well, 700 is our goal."
I said, "Cool, put me in for 660."
He's like, "For real?"
I said, "Yeah, but close the raffle now."
He goes, "If I do,
you're gonna win a lot of the prizes."
I go, "Darren, I want to win all of them."
He goes, "If you do that,
that'll upset some parents."
I go,
"It would break my heart if it didn't."
I go, "You want to make
your money or not?"
He goes, "I want to make that money."
I said, "Give me 660 tickets,
close the raffle right now,
and do not tell a soul."
"What about LeeAnn?"
"Definitely don't tell her."
This man took me to the back of a wine bar
and started a giggle
that lasted the entire evening
as he peeled off...
...six hundred and sixty tickets.
When he handed them to me,
he was shaking like he was selling drugs
in ninth grade.
I ripped off the first ticket
and the last ticket.
I said, "Darren, anything in between,
you know I have."
I have never been more excited
for any event in my life.
The birth of my children?
I picked the table furthest from thestage
where they were calling the numbers
and mapped out my parade route.
I had two tickets in my hand.
LeeAnn came over.
"You bought raffle tickets?"
I go, "A couple."
He called the first number.
I practically leapt out of my shoes.
I was like, "Oh, that's me!"
I bumped into every parent on the way.
"Oh, I'm so sorry."
"No, I won. I have the winning ticket, I..."
"There's 12 prizes,
and I won the first one!"
"Bert Kreischer. Yes, that's my name.
I'm so sorry."
I get to the stage, grab my prize.
Ten drunk dads are there.
They're like, "What did you win, Bert?"
I go, "It's a Fitbit."
"I'll be tracking my steps tonight, boys."
Get back to the table, look at LeeAnn.
I go, "Make some fucking room."
He calls out the next number.
I go, "Oh shit!"
"That's me too!"
I start to walk. My wife, unprovoked,
stands up on the foot of her stool
and announces to this wine bar,
"My husband
is the luckiest guy in the world!"
"Swear to God, I swear to God."
"I wouldn't be shocked
if he won all 12 prizes."
I'm on stage now, like,
"From her mouth to God's ears."
Grab my prize. Ten drunk dads are like,
"What did you win?"
"Don't know, don't fucking care."
Get back to the center, I go,
"Call the next fucking number, Darren."
He calls it, I look at LeeAnn,
I go, "Bingo, bitch!"
The king is back!
Now I'm just staring at parents, going,
"What did I win, Darren?"
He is crying-laughing, and he goes,
"Diamond earrings."
I go, "Well, pierce my ears
and call me Kaitlyn."
I'm on stage putting diamonds
in my high school holes...
...when I see the energy of the room shift.
It's starting in the back
with a circle of people
around the principal,
who yells out, "Check his tickets!"
I yell back, "Mind your own business!"
She does not like that.
And now she storms the stage.
"I see three prizes but only two tickets."
"I want to see his tickets."
Darren Turbow is laughing way too hard
to do anything.
And I watch the energy of the room halt.
The dudes in the kitchen,
they're not cooking anymore.
They're looking out
that little sliver of a window, just...
The bartender who was making a drink
audibly slows down, just...
The ten drunk dads who trusted me
now are looking at me
like I let them down.
The way a child looks at his sports hero
and goes, "Say it ain't so, OJ."
I let that energy breathe...
...as I reached into my pockets,
grabbed onto 658 tickets
like they were a hot rattlesnake,
threw them in the air and went,
"Read 'em and weep, motherfuckers!"
The room went fucking bananas.
Ten drunk dads pounding on the table.
"Let's fucking go!"
The principal is livid.
I look at LeeAnn. She is not laughing.
Principal sees this,
makes a beeline to my wife,
gets in her face and goes,
"You need to make him stop right now."
- My wife doesn't even miss a beat.
- Takes a breath and goes...
"Sugar, he hasn't even started."
Oh.
"Honey, honey, there's nine more prizes
and his shirt's still on."
"It's gonna get way worse."
Then my wife kills her glass of red wine,
looks at the stage and goes...
"Call the next fucking number, Darren."
Prize number four, my shirt came off.
Prize number five,
Steve Austin's shirt came off.
Prize number six,
a mom unwittingly in the back
said just a little too loud,
"Who the fuck is this guy?"
To which the bartender replied,
"He's the fucking machine!"
By prize 11, the room was polarized.
You either absolutely loved
what was going on,
like the ten drunk dads and the bartender...
...or you hated it.
And if you hated it,
you were now surrounding the stage
protesting the raffle.
These Capitol stormers...
...were unhappy
with the outcome of their day,
and took it upon...
Look, when he called prize 12,
I knew what I had to do.
I had to hit him with the "suck it."
Just...
Suck it!
Twenty of them, just around the horns.
Suck it!Suck it!Suck it!Suck it!
Suck! Suck!Suck!Suck!
Suck! Suck!Suck!Suck!Suck!
I was ready. It was my job.
And as he called the number,
I go to hit the first "Suck it"
and realize I don't have that ticket.
Oh, you think you were upset?
Ten drunks dads are pounding
on the table going, "Recount! Recount!"
The people that hated me
were mocking me at the top of their lungs.
They're like,
"That's what you get, fat boy!"
"Put your shirt on, loser!
You're a loser!"
They were so loud, I could barely hear
my wife in the back go,
"Oh, that's me!"
We won all 12 prizes.
And then I spent the rest of the night
drunk, shirtless with my ears pierced...
...holding 11 prizes,
walking up to parents, going,
"What did you guys win?"
"Oh, I won everything. I totally forgot."
The best part of that story,
in my opinion,
is that LeeAnn got it.
That she got the...
She doesn't always get the joke, you know?
Like, some things just...
January 2020.
I'm on a flight with my wife
to Burlington, Vermont.
We get a text from my buddy,Tom Segura.
Now... yes, yeah.
If you do not know who that is,
he's a stand-up comedian
who cannot do... that.
So...
That simple act.
That little act
will make this leg explode.
And this arm will break in half right here
and spin in circles.
Crazy. Crazy.
Big racist. Now he said...
Yeah, yeah.
Big fan of Nazis. Anyway...
Tom sends me and LeeAnn a text,
a group text, and it says,
"Hey, I don't know if you guys have heard
about this new virus
called the coronavirus,
but it's a real thing, and I just read
an article in the L.A. Times."
"There's been an outbreak
in your neighborhood."
"Here's a link to the article.
You might want to check it out."
This is January 2020.
I'm in a panic. I have heard of it,
but in our neighborhood?
So I clicked the link.
I don't know if you got this.
But it wasn't an article.
It was a picture of a Black man...
...naked on the side of a bed, just...
I open the link, see the picture, I laugh.
It's funny, right?
I finish my double Jack on the rocks,
lots of rocks.
I pass out.
I wake up in Burlington, Vermont
to my wife in a tizzy.
We're on the tarmac and she goes,
"Did you get that text from Tommy?"
I said, "Yeah, I did."
She goes, "Fucking terrifying."
I said, "I wouldn't say that.
I think that's racist."
I mean, it's more than I could fit,
but yeah.
She goes, "No, it's in our neighborhood."
I go, "Did you click the link?"
She goes, "No, I didn't have time."
"Flight attendant
made me put my phone away."
I said, "You have to click the link."
She goes, "Is it bad?"
I said, "Worse than you think."
And I watched this woman click that link.
And the picture of that man...
His name's Wood, fittingly.
...comes up, and I watch her
just see it, and she goes,
"Oh no!" And swipes out.
My wife doesn't like
looking at big cocks. So...
Thankfully.
She looks at me, confused.
Now, I'm just chuckling.
She clicks the link again.
Must have been user error, right?
Same picture shows up, only this time
I watch her attempt to scroll...
...as if she's gonna find an article
attached to that picture.
Finds no such article. Swipes out.
Clicks the link a third fucking time.
I am now crying-laughing.
And she goes, "I don't know
what's so funny. My phone's broken."
I said, "It's a joke."
She goes, "What?"
I said, "What do you mean, 'What'?"
"It's a picture."
"You thought you'd read an article,
now you're looking at this cock."
"It's a joke."
She goes, "That's not funny."
I said, "I disagree."
I watched you open it three times.
It got funnier and funnier.
Her face goes white and she goes,
"No, that's not funny."
"I sent that to all the moms
at Georgia's school."
I go, "You're right, that's not funny.
That's fucking epic!"
I grab her phone
and read the replies from the moms.
The best were the cool moms
who were like,
"I hope that doesn't hit my house."
One mom was like,
"My ninth grader is not ready for that."
Our friend Lynn Gruson wrote back,
"Are you sure that's the coronavirus?"
"I think I had that in college."
And then she goes even paler
and she goes, "I sentthat to our girls."
I called Georgia, I go, "George,
Mom sent you a link to an article."
"Did you see it?"
She goes, "Dad, I can't unsee it."
"I was at softball practice.
I opened it in front of the coach."
I was like, "What did Coach say?"
"Coach said we need to get one
for batting practice."
I go, "What about your sister?"
She throws Ila the phone.
I go, "Ila, Mom sent you a link.
Did you see it?"
She goes, "I did."
I said, "What did you think?"
She goes, "Interesting article."
My daughters have
the most fucked-up sense of humor.
For Georgia's birthday one year,
she gets a psychic.
She's gonna tell her and all her friends
about their past lives, right?
The lady comes to the house.
She's 100 years old.
Sits down across from Georgia
and her friends.
Ila and I are at the end.
She goes, "Okay, who's the birthday girl?"
Ila hits me and goes,
"One hell of a psychic, Dad."
Georgia's like, "I am, I am!"
She puts her palm out
and the lady goes, "Okay..."
"In a past life,
you were a general in a great war."
"You were responsible
for the death of 257 men."
"Those men's souls will haunt you
until the day you die."
Ila's next to me. She just goes...
Happy birthday to you
The best one,
from one of Georgia's birthdays.
Both the girls pull me aside, "Hey, Dad."
"We want to go to an escape room."
I'm like, "Both you geniuses?"
"You guys gonna put all 80 IQ points
together and see what happens in a room?"
Shut the fuck up!
They're like, "We want you to go too."
I go, "You want to add
drugs and alcohol? Okay."
"Good call."
They go, "No, you and Papa."
I go, "I'm gonna stop you right there."
"Uh, me and my dad
don't work well together as a team."
"Okay, ladies? It's not gonna end well.
It's gonna end horrifically."
And they both are looking at me,
and they go, "Yeah, we know."
I said, "What?" Georgia goes,
"That's what I want for my birthday."
"I want to see Papa lose his shit
and you have a panic attack."
I was like,
"All right, he's cheap. I'll call him."
So I call my dad. My dad is 75 years old.
Lives in Tampa. Losing his hearing.
I go, "Hey, Dad.
When you guys are out in L.A.,
the girls want to go to an escape room."
He goes, "Rape room?"
I go, "Yeah, Dad, that's what they want."
"They want to go get raped together.
All of us."
"And then after we've all been raped,
we want to go to The Cheesecake Factory."
I go, "No, Dad, an escape room."
And he goes, "Escape room?
What the fuck's an escape room?"
And I hear my mom in their kitchen,
going, "Yes! We're going!"
"I saw about this on the internet.
We're going!"
"I've always wondered
how I'd fare in a kidnapping."
My dad's like,
"Pump your brakes. We're not going."
"What the fuck is an escape room?"
And my mom's like,
"They grab you, they throw you in a van."
I'm like, "Don't listen to Mom, Dad."
I go, "Dad, it's a room
where we pay these kids 200 bucks."
"They lock us in the room,
and we gotta figure out how to get out."
And he's quiet on the phone
for a second, then he goes,
"Give me 50 bucks.
I'll lock your kids in a car."
My mom snatches the phone away and goes,
"Tell my granddaughters we're going."
"They can count on us."
"Are we supposed to wear leather?"
I'm like, "Easy, Mom."
So we go.
Me, my wife, my parents, my daughters.
We all go.
Now, here's where it starts to veer wrong.
As we start driving,
you know how escape rooms
normally happen in, like, a mall?
This was in a dude's house.
He had converted every room in his house
into an escape room,
much like John Wayne Gacy.
We pull into the neighborhood.
My dad's like, "No fucking way."
Georgia's like,
"Pop, I heard it's really scary."
He goes,
"I'm shitting my pants now, ladies."
We see a house painted all black,
no landscaping.
LeeAnn's like, "I think that's it."
My dad's like, "Keep fucking going."
Get out, go up to the door,
knock on the door.
Dude's already in character.
Oh.
Dude, it's L.A. This guy's good.
Silk robe, towel around his head,
stroking a kitty cat.
And he just goes...
"Have you seen my mother?"
My dad grabs my hand, he goes,
"What the fuck did he just say?"
I go, "He's looking for his mother."
He goes, "Tell him his mother
can suck my dick."
My dad's like, "Is this real?
Is this real?"
I go, "It's part of the escape room.
Play along."
He goes, "Would you like to see
a tour of my house?"
And my mom's,
"Yes, we would love to see a tour."
"What's your mom's name? How old is she?
Where'd she go to college? Take notes."
So we go on a tour of the house.
The women are into it.
And my dad
is picking this guy apart left and right.
He's like...
"He smells like shit."
"Buddy, I think he fucking lives here.
I think he lives..."
"What kind of fucking lunatic
lives where every room is an..."
"He was just eating lunch."
"He's eating mac and cheese with coffee.
Who the fuck drinks coffee..."
"Black coffee with mac and cheese?
He's got IBS, I guarantee you."
I'm like, "I don't think
these are helpful clues, Dad."
The guy comes in.
"Like to see Mother's room?"
My dad goes,
"Absolutely fucking not."
My mom's like,
"Yes, we want to see."
He's like, "Mother doesn't allow
car keys, cell phones, or wallets,
so empty your pockets
and put them on the kitchen table."
And like sheep, we're like, "Okay."
We empty our pockets.
Walk into the room.
And the second I step into the room,
I feel the door shut and lock behind me.
And I have a panic attack.
The first thing I think is,
he didn't ask our names.
We didn't give him a credit card.
We didn't fill out a waiver.
We didn't even really check the address.
We just saw one sketchy house
in a neighborhood,
knocked on the door,
he presented a problem,
and we're like,
"The Scooby-Doo gang will figure it out."
Now we're locked in this fucking house.
My dad's next to me going, "Tell me
where I steer wrong in this story."
"Did you just walk your family
into a serial killer's house?"
Georgia goes, "Papa, isn't this scary?"
He goes, "You have no fucking idea."
"You two are getting sold
to the goddamn Albanians tonight."
"You'll be working in a Chechen whorehouse
the rest of your lives."
Ila's like,
"Papa, how do we get out of here?"
He goes,
"I think I have to suck that guy's dick."
"Someone's sucking his dick.
I nominate your shithead dad."
My mom's in the corner,
"You think he's gonna tie us up?"
My dad's like, "Shut the fuck up, Maggie!"
"Your shithead son just walked us
into a serial killer's house
who smells like shit."
"Did anyone smell this guy?"
"Maybe it's because he eats mac and cheese
and coffee all fucking day."
Guy's like, "Sir, I can hear you."
Now I'm having
a full-blown anxiety attack,
and for me, they happen in my stomach,
and I have to shit immediately.
I'm looking around the room for a vase
or something to shit in.
My dad knows me way too well.
He goes, "Oh fucking no, you don't!"
"It's tennis camp all over again.
He's gonna shit in the houseplant."
"Goddamn it, this fucking shithead
walks us into a serial killer's house,
and now he's gonna shit
in his mom's room?"
My daughters are skipping,
they're so excited.
My wife is a fucking savage.
She saw four clues by herself.
Pulls a lever under the desk.
House lights drop out.
We hear two screams and a thud.
Lights click back on.
I'm holding both my daughters
like a human shield.
My mother's on the floor
in a steamer trunk.
"Your father threw me into the wall!"
My dad's like,
"Fuck her, she's a liar. She tripped."
Guy's like, "I saw it.
He threw her into the wall."
LeeAnn solves two more clues
and a trapdoor opens up out of the wall,
exposing a crawl space
two feet tall by three feet wide,
down the length of the wall
into another room.
My mom sticks her head in.
Pops out and goes...
"I think we should all get in the wall."
My dad's like, "You first."
She gets in the wall,
he goes, "Fuck her, she's dead to us."
"Good riddance. We didn't need her."
LeeAnn gets in the wall and he goes,
"There goes the brains of the operation!"
"I'm stuck with you three shitheads.
Get in the fucking wall."
I go, "I'm not getting in the wall, Dad."
Georgia goes, "Make Dad get in the wall."
I go, "Georgia, I'm claustrophobic."
Ila's like, "What's Christmas
have to do with this, Dad?"
"Shut the fuck up, Ila!"
My dad's like,
"Buddy, I got bad news for you."
"You're getting in that fucking wall."
He goes, "Girls, you get in first.
Big guy, I will be behind you."
"You close your eyes. Listen to my voice."
"I'll coach you through the wall,
and trust me,
if you freeze up, I will bulldoze your ass
through that fucking wall."
"Now, let's fucking go."
And we get in the wall.
My daughters, me, my dad.
I listened to his voice,
like when I was a kid and played baseball.
"We got this, big guy."
"We can do anything."
"Listen to my voice. We can do this.
Me and you. Big team."
Now...
...I don't know if it was...
the angle of my body...
...the anxiety...
that was resting in my stomach...
or shimmying on all fours...
...but I let out a novel virus fart, like...
The kind that come out of your ass
like hot breath, just...
The kind of farts that escape your body
like a curse out
of a mummy's sarcophagus, just...
The kind of farts that burn yourasshole.
Just the fart, the air burns your asshole.
And you think to yourself,"That was air.
I'm gonna be shitting blood later."
And I release it into my father's mouth
human centipede-style.
He goes from coach to cunt real quick.
Just, "We got this, big guy!"
"We can... We can..."
"Oh fuck, keep going."
"We can do any...
What the fuck?!"
"I think we rolled up
on a dead animal."
"I think it's asbestos."
"It's burning my eyes!
Keep moving."
"I feel like I'm in the tunnel
from Shawshank Redemption."
"Why aren't you moving?"
"It's in my skin!"
"It's burning my clo..."
"Move, asshole!"
I turned around, I go,
"I can't. I think I'm gonna shit."
He goes, "You did this?!"
"You did this?!
I think you gave me cancer!"
"I can taste it in my molars!
Keep moving!"
My daughters come flying out of that wall
the happiest they've ever fucking been.
Go right up to my mom and they go,
"Nana, it's happening."
I come out of the wall, I'm like,
"Nana, big guy's unhappy."
My dad comes out of that wall
like Saddam Hussein out of a spider hole.
"Cocksucker! Motherfucker!"
"God! You're going to a fucking doctor!"
"That is not healthy. That is not..."
"He shits like your side
of the family, Maggie."
"You need a colonoscopy.
You need a colonoscopy."
"That's what's wrong. I'm telling you.
Where the fuck's your goddamn wife?"
LeeAnn comes out
of the rafters of the ceiling...
...and is like, "I think I solved
the escape room, Albert."
"Try one of the doors."
He goes, "The fuck I will!"
Grabs the first handle
of three on the wall,
and it doesn't move, it's just locked.
My daughters now have crossed their legs.
They're about to piss their pants.
He is at a level nine. "Motherfucker!"
Grabs the next door.
Nothing. "Cocksucker!"
Grabs the third door,
and as it flies open,
he turns his back to the door,
looks at us and goes,
"Fucking finally!"
He doesn't see what we see...
which is a 90-year-old woman
in her nightgown in a closet.
She's been in this closet for 45 minutes.
I don't know who's more scared, her or us.
She's trying to adjust her eyes
to the light and remember her line.
And she just goes...
My dad shuts the door...
...puts his heel on it, and he's like,
"Everybody, back in the fucking wall!"
My girls are now on the fucking floor.
Georgia looks at me and goes,
"This is better than I thought
it could have ever been!"
My dad looks at me and he goes,
"What the fuck are they talking about?"
I go, "Dad, you're not gonna be happy
when you hear this."
"But the only reason
they wanted you to come...
is for this right now."
He goes, "To solve the escape room?"
I go, "No, to watch you lose your shit."
He's still standing there,
heel on the door.
Looks around the room
like he's trying to find someone to love.
Lands on my daughters and he goes,
"You wanted this?"
"This is what you wanted."
Looks at his watch and he goes,
"My Apple Watch says my heart rate's 154."
"I'm 75 years old, ladies."
"I'm on nine different medications."
"I got high blood pressure,
high cholesterol."
"Your father just shit in my mouth!"
"And we got the old lady from Titanic
locked in a fucking closet!"
"And this is what you wanted?"
Ila looks at Georgia and goes...
Happy birthday to you
Omaha!
Thank you!Thank you!Thank you!