Best in Show (2000) Movie Script

I imagine the bestplace to start
is at the beginning.
Meg.
Why are you here?
Beatrice has...
...been showing signs of depression.
She's also been very, very angry
with us.
Ever since she saw us having sex.
When you were having sex, was it
different or unusual in any way?
We got a book. Kama Sutra.
I lit some candles...
...and played some music.
And got myself in a position
that wasn't...
...very easy for me, emotionally.
It's called the Congress of the Cow...
...where...
...the woman is bent over, the hands
are on the floor, the man is behind.
What did she do when she saw you?
She just stood there staring at us.
-She didn't say anything?
-Didn't say a word.
What would you like to say
to Beatrice right now?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry you had
to see that.
Beatrice, can you look at us?
Come on, honey, Mommy and Daddy
are over here.
Champions into the ring.
Thank you. Right on around.
Just trot him straight away
and back, please.
They couldn't have ordered up a
nicer day, I'll say that for them.
I woke up, I was so glad.
Would everybody please
fill in to line?
Leads up. Let's take them all around.
Best of Breed. Best of Winners.
Best Opposite.
Yes!
Super.
I like to think that Cookie and I
work as a team.
Although I do nothing.
She does all the work with Winky.
Well, the fiirst time we met
was at this...
...big dance.
And I just thought she was the
prettiest thing...
...that I'd ever seen.
And she was there with somebody else.
She was very popular back then.
She had dozens of boyfriends.
Hundreds.
Hundreds?
Yeah, hundreds.
I did not know that!
Hundreds.
Well, not that I didn't have
a reputation myself...
...because, you know,
I was considered...
...by "some" to be quite
the Casanova, myself.
Back at Ponce de Leon Junior High.
But we started dancing....
He didn't want to dance!
-I didn't want to dance because--
-I said, "Get up, Gerry."
I kept saying, "No, I can't dance.
I've got two left feet!
I've got two left feet!"
I thought he was kidding.
But I wasn't.
I was born...
...with two left feet.
And they had a nickname for me.
They used to call me Loopy...
...because, you know,
I would walk in little loops.
I kept going in circles.
And then with some therapy
I learned...
...how to walk a straight line.
And dance.
-And dance!
-And dance.
Oh, man, you got moves better
than Winky, I think.
My great-grandfather Millbank,
in 1875...
...began the Mayflower IKennel Club
and Dog Show.
It started small.
He operated out of this
house we're in...
...this beautiful building,
and this lovely room...
...which grew and grew, and of course,
nobody lives here anymore.
But, it's our...
...it's our place.
And then my grandfather continued
the tradition...
...and really, I think what we're
talking about is standards...
...very, very specific, rigid,
you could say...
...but in this world...
...where would we be without them,
I think.
And notice where we are.
We've got some real standards...
...and in Jessica's case,
we have a bite standard...
...but we don't have
a number of teeth standard.
The breeds do differ in that,
but they're very strict...
...and they're very, very pure.
And, that.... Oh, yes?
Did you hear that?
Did you hear what I said?
I think she--
I think you heard what I said.
You were listening to me.
Now, when somebody comes in here...
...your average tourist,
fisherperson, right?
They want to know, "Where do I go?"
What you do is sell them this map...
...and all these different flies.
You take the map.
You take your best places...
...and you take the best fly for
the place, put it right on the map.
Then you'd sell them the map.
Now they know where to go.
We pick out the pattern for you.
It could be a Disco Midge,
it could be a Beadhead...
...it could be a Parachute Adams,
whatever it is.
He doesn't have to think, "Oh."
Aside from fishing...
...dogs have always been a big thing
in my family.
My father was a Coonhound man.
He had Red Bones...
...and his brother had a Blue Tick,
and his brother had a Plott Hound...
...and some other
members of the family...
...they had Steven's stock
and some Cataloona Hounds.
And my brother Otto also had
a Red Bone.
We'd fight all the time.
He'd say, "I'm a Red Bone man!"
I used to say, "I'm a Bloodhound man!"
The Bloodhound, of all the breeds, is
just such a noble, loyal, perfect dog.
You can't find a better dog...
...on the whole planet Earth.
And I would guess that even
if one day...
...they land on some other planet
in Venus or Mars, whatever...
...you couldn't find a better dog.
And Hubert is the best Hound
I've ever had.
I've had probably 10 or 1 5.
He is not only a great show dog,
but he could be a great man-trail dog.
If the police came and said,
"I need a great Bloodhound"...
...he would be the one to take out.
Because if there was some kind of
convict loose, God forbid...
...he would be the one to find him.
We got all fresh cuts today,
top-loin...
...porterhouse, T-bone, blade,
ball-tip, tri-tip, chuck.
-We got everything.
-So, basically, you know, meat.
-Got a lot of meat.
-Oh, good.
Now, Tyrone...
...liked those kidneys.
How about a half-pound?
Not the kidneys.
I don't want to pull the membranes.
I'll take care of the membranes.
-You could pull it off.
-Stop it.
A half-pound of the salmon,
half-pound of the kidneys.
Do me a favor. Just get one of
those pepperoni sticks out.
-I just want to hold it.
-Will you stop it? You are so bad.
I had been a hairdresser
about 14 years...
...and I went to a show,
and I saw his nibs here...
...having his way with a Borzoi.
Just trotting around that ring like he
was born to it, and he was.
I asked my ex-wife, I said, "Who's
that?" She says, "That's Scott.
He shows a good dog."
I've never seen anyone as light
on his feet--
-Light in the loafers. Say it.
-No, no, no!
-Stop. No.
-Wait until I tell Mom!
It's just he and the Borzoi seemed to
have the same prance, the same....
It was like they were two members
of the same body, you might say.
And it was a wonderful thing.
I knew a guy who had two members
on the same body.
-I dated him.
-In your dreams.
Got so exhausted.... Go on.
I'm sorry. You were telling a story.
No, and I asked Deb, I said,
"Who's that?" She said:
"That's Scott, and he cuts hair,
he grooms dogs...
...and he shows dogs,
and he's a genius."
-Then I was, like, wild man on campus.
-Club scene. Mr. Club Scene here.
On Friday night, I'd have 3 Saturday
nights, then go home and wake up.
My, God, what a thrill.
Don't knock it till you've tried it.
Anyway, so we get together,
we see several movies...
-...we like the same stuff.
-Before you know it....
-It's the all-American love story.
-It sure is.
Writ large.
On the marquee, big letters: "Us."
We've been together
fiive years.
We have an amazing relationship,
and it's very physical.
I mean, he still pushes
all my buttons.
And you know, people say, "Oh, but
he's so much older than you."
And you know what? I'm the one having
to push him away.
Yeah, we both have so much in common.
We both love soup.
And we love the outdoors.
We love snow peas.
And...
...talking and not talking.
We could not talk or talk forever...
...and still find things to not
talk about.
Hi. I'm Graham Chissolm.
I'm the show chairman.
This is a very special time for me.
It's something I do every year
before the show...
...is come here and kind of, for the
last time, enjoy the solitude...
...of what I call a blank canvas.
And...
...there it is right there.
There's nothing out there.
Not that I can see, anyway.
No one here.
In five days from now, you are
not gonna believe the difference.
This center will be packed
with people.
And the roar of the crowd,
the energy...
...that this building will exude
will be phenomenal...
...with winners and losers.
Although no one loses.
We don't like to say that.
But some have a long drive home.
There are sad eyes on some dogs
that worked hard to get here.
Hamilton?
-We gotta call Dr. Nelken.
-Why?
Beatrice made a pee-pee
on the sheets...
...and a poopie in your slipper.
-In my Orvis slippers?
-I don't know.
-God.
-You been talking to her?
-Of course I have.
-What have you been saying?
I've been saying that when
we make love...
...it's a beautiful thing.
Sometimes.
-Excuse me?
-We met at Starbucks.
Not at the same Starbucks.
We saw each other...
...at different Starbucks across
the street from each other...
...and Hamilton got up the courage
to walk across the street one day...
...and approached me.
Yeah. I'd seen you at law school
before.
And I know that sometimes I'd be
in one Starbucks...
...you'd be in the other Starbucks,
and then I'd think...
...l should go over to that
Starbucks next.
And then you'd be at the other
Starbucks. So we kind of crossed....
-I know. It sounds so stupid now.
-He's so good.
I remember I was drinking
a grande espresso when I met you.
That's right, and I thought that was
really sexy.
-I was drinking cappuccinos.
-I remember.
Then I went to lattes, and then
now, double espressos macchiato.
And I'm now a big old, you know,
Chai-tea-latte, soy milk kind of guy.
-Soy. Yeah.
-Because of the lactose.
You're lactose intolerant now.
And I walked across the street,
and there you were....
Working on my Mac.
-And I had my Mac.
-Your Mac.
And there, and then, I look over
and she's reading J. Crew.
That's so weird, as I was such a huge
J. Crew person then too. Still am.
We sometimes like to just go to
Starbucks on weekends and...
...take an L.L. Bean catalog.
I'll say, "Honey, what's new?"
She has five minutes to look
and find what's new.
They've been around forever.
We were so lucky to have been raised
amongst catalogs.
Oh, it's so much easier.
You don't have
to deal with people as much.
You can just talk to the person
on the phone.
-Or not.
-Yeah.
I like to take Hubert for a walk
in the woods before...
...l show him, because...
...it's a more natural kind of
environment for him...
...and it makes him relax,
and it makes me...
...relax too, to not think about
the competition.
Just take a walk and, you know...
...smell the ground and all that,
and....
What'd you smell? What'd you smell?
See, a lot of times, what he's doing
is, he's--
A Bloodhound not only has a great
nose, but he also--
They can talk. So, what he's
doing, he's talking.
He's saying, "What'd you talk?"
What'd you talk? What'd you talk?
He's saying, "I'm ready."
That's when he's ready for a show.
Because he says, "I'm ready.
I'm ready."
Then I know he's ready.
What is it, boy?
He says, "I'm ready. I've walked
and I'm ready."
Have a good night's sleep, and then...
...we'll get going and it'll be
showtime for you, right?
Now, look at that. The judge will
look at him and say....
Sometimes I think he'll talk to
the judge and say:
"Hey, judge! Hey, judge!
Look at me!"
I mean, the dog isn't going to talk.
But his mind is like a telepathy...
...thing where he says:
"I'm the best one here. I'm the
best one you've ever seen."
The judge, in his mind,
because he can pick up...
...on the telepathy, will...
...sometimes give him...
...the blue ribbon.
"Hey, judge! What's going on
in there?
I know what you're thinking.
And I'm the best dog
in the whole ring!" See?
That's not a bad idea.
Maybe I just should...
...do that. Practice that,
right? Hubert.
-Congratulations!
-The big show.
-You gotta be happy.
-The big show.
What'll you do in Philly?
-What will you see?
-Everything.
We'll see the Liberty Bell...
...the place where
they make the cream cheese....
Oh, honey! Honey.
They're going to Philly to see...
...where they make
the cream cheese...
...we've been talking about!
I want to see where they make
the light cream cheese.
I don't want to go to
that other building.
Yes, that factory is not made out
of brick, I don't think.
-We'll cross our fingers for you.
-Fingers crossed.
We'll stop to see friends in Akron.
I told you about the Bermans.
We'll stop there.
We can stay with them.
You've talked about him before.
They're dear friends.
My wife wants to drive 140 miles
out of our way...
...to see some people we saw
three years ago.
Anyway.
Oh, someone's still a little jealous.
Oh, jealous?
How many years ago did he poke me?
How many years ago was that?
You've met my wife the comedian.
She thinks I'm jealous.
I'm sure it's all over with.
-Come on. Look how sweet.
-Now see, that's why it works.
God loves a Terrier
Yes, he does
God loves a Terrier
That's because
Small, sturdy, bright and true
They give their love to you
God didn't miss a stitch
Be a dog or be a bitch
When he made the Norwich merrier
With his cute little derriere
Yes, God loves a Terrier
What is this? What is this ball?
What is this ball?
Is this your ball? ls this your ball?
We have a wonderful working
relationship.
And l...
...have to say I wanted the best
handler...
...and I get what I want.
You sure did.
This kennel that I opened up
was really just a kennel...
...until Sherri Ann and Leslie
showed up...
...and their generosity has turned
this humble little kennel--
-It was a shit box.
-Well, yeah.
They have turned this place into
a cutting-edge, state-of-the-art...
...kennel facility and I'm just so
grateful to them. It's just fantastic.
With Sherri Ann, we have this fantastic
friendship too. It's really great.
We have a little bit of a family
dynamic going here...
...and it mirrors what I grew up with.
My father was the taskmaster...
...the disciplinarian, which is what
I do, I'm the mommy/daddy.
Like, Mr. Punishment.
Well, you know, I also reward.
But Sherri is responsible for the
unconditional love....
And the decorative abilities.
The heart and soul,
which is what my mother did.
That was her job. She was
there for unconditional love.
And it worked for my family...
...until my mom committed suicide
in '81 .
Here, let me help you out.
Let me help you.
I got it, I got it.
Come on, slow down, you got a long
trip ahead of you, boy.
Okay, for Winky's poopies,
just in case.
-You're so thoughtful.
-Love you.
-Thank you.
-We love you.
And thanks for checking in
on the house.
Sherman's War Trail in Atlanta, get
a ham sandwich at Lee's Comeuppance.
Make sure you stop there and get
a ham sandwich.
Jack, the keys.
-Front door--
-We know how to get in.
-Have a good one.
-Have a great time.
Bring home the blue ribbon!
Don't water the plants,
they're plastic.
Bring home the blue ribbon.
We'll have drinks when you get back.
Forward...
...ho!
See you!
Have a great time!
You got your road map and stuff?
I think I'm all set, fellas.
What you got in here?
That's a little thing I picked up.
Will you do some fishing?
I'm going to the dog show.
They ain't got no lakes or rivers?
I don't think I'll have much time
to do that.
Good luck, Hubert!
Go put some hurt on them Yankee dogs.
-Thanks.
-We'll take care of everything.
Don't have worry about nothing.
We got it in order.
This is that tape I was telling you
about with the funny songs.
-It's real good for the road.
-Thanks.
-Bon voyage, Hubert. Good luck.
-Catch a big one!
Have a good time!
Hubert, who'll catch a big fish?
-Who's going fishing?
-Go get them.
-You the dog!
-Have a good time.
If you get tired, pull over.
If you get hungry, eat something.
See you, Hubert!
Don't forget the tape!
Well, we've started...
...you can call a little bit
of superstition on my part...
...but I always like to put up
the official curtain, so to speak...
...because this curtain here
will carry the...
...official symbol
of the Mayflower Dog Show.
Really spread the arms, guys,
so it doesn't get dirty. Thanks.
Behind it is the holding area
where the chief steward will be.
He'll make sure everybody has the
proper armbands, so they can....
Identifying the dog with the handler
is very important, of course.
All that anxiety and chaos happens
behind the curtain. It's good.
These people here can enjoy
the show and not see that.
Really shake it out there.
Let's get the dirt off it.
That's it. Been in a box for a year.
Oh, these have to come...
-...because....
-Counting those...
...you've already packed
six kimonos.
All right, so here is seven.
We're in Philadelphia for 48 hours.
That's seven, so I need,
actually, one more.
How many tea services can you do?
Why are you doing this? I think
we're overpacking. Don't you?
No!
There's a local honky-tonk
Down in Louisiana
Where the biscuits and gravy
Are like Dixie 's manna
Let's go honky-tonk now
I used to be able to name every nut...
...that there was.
That used to drive my mother crazy.
She used to say:
"Harlan Pepper, if you don't stop
naming nuts...."
The joke was that we lived
in Pinenut...
...and I think that's what put it
in my head at that point.
I'd go to sleep, she'd hear me,
she would just start yelling.
I'd say, "Peanut.
Hazelnut.
Cashew nut.
Macadamia nut." That was the one that
would send her...
...into...
...going crazy. She said,
"You stop naming nuts!"
And Hubert used to be able to make
the sound.
He wasn't talking,
but he used to go....
And it sounded like Macadamia nut.
Pine nut...
...which is a nut, but it's also
the name of the town.
Pistachio nut.
Red pistachio nut.
Natural, all-natural,
white pistachio nut.
Is that everything?
With all the bags?
-It doesn't look like everything.
-What?
-It doesn't look like everything.
-I counted.
It doesn't look like it.
Next time, call a car service.
You should be on time, then
we won't have to take a taxi.
I can't hear you!
If you were ready on time,
we wouldn't have to take a taxi.
If we had a car service,
they'd pick us up on time.
Meg, do you have the tickets?
Do you have the tickets?
-You have the tickets.
-No, I do not.
-What kind of dog is that?
-A Weimaraner.
You have the tickets.
How are you, little fella?
What did you do?
-Did you provoke her?
-What did you do? Did you pinch her?
He almost took off my hand!
You just get walking, buddy,
right now!
I'll file a personal assault charge
against you.
Put a muzzle on that, and yourself!
-You don't know who you're talking to!
-Crazy people, crazy dog!
Here we go, come on.
He's a mean man. Here you go.
Take your busy bee. Come on, winner.
-Oh, no! Come on!
-Meg, settle down.
She's not even reacting to the toy.
1 -1 -7-2-8
1 -1 -7....
It's on this side.
2-8.
2-6. Here we go!
That's it.
Oh, my God!
What a dump!
-You said they got a better place.
-They did.
If you live in skid row.
You did it. Good dog.
I'm getting heart palpitations.
-I can't help it.
-Listen to me.
Max is so history!
Who's my future?
Well, let's...
...get going!
Hi! Welcome!
Nice to see you!
-Good to see you.
-How are you?
It's so nice. Great!
-Nice house.
-Yes, what a wonderful....
-Oh, nice to see you.
-Good to see you. It's been so long.
-Gerry, how's the boy?
-Hello, Max.
Watch out for that one.
-Hey, Cookie
-Oh, Max.
Twice, like the French.
Come here, boy.
-You remember Winky?
-He's a sweet boy, he's fuzzy.
-God bless him. Here, go to Daddy.
-What?
Fay, thank you so much for letting--
Come on, let me show you around.
I'll go get the bags.
This is our biggest week of the year.
We're a popular hotel year-round...
...but now is when
we feel excitement...
...when the dog show comes through,
and all the familiar faces...
...canine and, you know...
...human alike come and we get
to see our friends again...
...and make the place ready.
Lots of work.
The key to welcoming animals
into a hotel is...
...maintaining a level of hygiene.
And that's what this room
is all about.
We're pretty well-supplied here
for any kind of contingency.
Your small dogs, your big dogs.
This is a good, safe product,
doesn't have bad odor...
...chemical smell for small stains,
usually small dogs...
...Pomeranian, your little
teacup Poodle, what have you.
This is a good product.
Sometimes, your bigger dog, your Great
Dane, your Bull Mastiff, Rottweiler...
...you need to up the ante a little bit.
This is another good cleaning product.
For the big critters,
the big stains...
...sometimes you need the nuclear
weaponry, the sodium hydrochloride.
I don't know if I can say,
I won't mention names...
...we had a rock group here...
...so we put down the rubber sheets
in the beds...
...but apparently they didn't see
the toilet in the room.
So we had a lot of cleaning to do
after they checked out.
Roasting a goat in the room,
I still don't understand.
Getting the smell of...
...cumin and charcoal out
of the drapes was a chore.
That was a big deal.
We get an imprint
of the credit card now.
We learned from that one.
-This is great. Thank you.
-You're welcome.
-Super.
-It's like...
...l know it tastes better,
but it looks like that...
...cafeteria hot-plate food.
You know?
Which I never tasted.
I didn't want to look like a loser.
But it tastes good.
I had that food every single day.
And it was 50 cents back then.
It was pretty cheap.
What's that you've got there?
-A parachuter.
-A parachuter!
It's not a doll.
It's an action figure.
It is an action figure.
Yes, you got that right. So, so...
...what does that, what is--?
What do you do with the parachuter?
It goes up and down like this.
Honey, don't let it fall in your food.
Mommy's not mad, but don't.
-Is it okay if I let Winky walk around?
-Yeah.
I've got my puffer. It's okay.
I had a terrible day today.
I can't get rid of it in my head.
You have a bad day,
someone returns a sweater.
I do and lives get lost.
People lose their lives.
I'm the chief hostage negotiator
for the Akron and tri-county area.
I talk people down. When they get
a jumper on a building, they call me.
How many people have you talked down?
I mean, is there a...?
Well, they always jump.
It's a little secret from the trade.
They all jump.
But today, we had a tough one.
There's a guy, he jumps...
...that doesn't bother me, it happens
all the time.
You think they drop like rocks. No.
He hit a gargoyle on the way down.
He gets his head caught in
the gargoyle's mouth. The head...
...pops off like a grape, the body
spins down like a whirligig.
When they hit...
...everything pops out.
It's like a pinata.
The intestines, like they're
spring-loaded...
...pop out.
Forgive me. You know what?
I was remembering
that time with you and me at the lake.
With the pinata. Remember?
Are you sure that was you?
-I think you know who it was.
-I know.
It was a long time ago, and....
Seems like last week.
You wouldn't know, she was famous...
...for putting both her legs
behind her head.
He's like an animal.
-No, it's just talk!
-He's just like an animal.
Pinata?
I don't know what a pinata is.
I forgot to compliment you on your
luscious melon breasts tonight.
-How does that sound?
-Oh, come on!
-What are you talking about now?
-Thank you.
What you don't understand is...
...a picture is worth
a thousand words.
I only went through 1 25 or 130
words describing that.
If I wanted,
I could go 800 words more.
-I'll take the picture because--
-Do you know where Winky is?
Next time, I'll get a picture.
How about that?
Where's the dog?
-The what?
-Winky. Where's Winky?
-Who's Winky?
-He's probably with Zach.
-Oh, the dog.
-Oh, my God!
Winky? Winky?
-What?
-What's going on?
What are you doing?
-Winky, it's okay, baby.
-Don't move, Zach.
-Zach, listen.
-He has a parachute around his neck!
-Please, honey, this is what I do.
-Don't be mad at him, please.
I'll gouge your eye out with my thumb.
I shit you not, you freak.
Get down! I'm gonna punch you
in the eye till it turns to jelly.
Don't look at him in the eyes,
it challenges him.
I'll stab you with forks
until you bleed!
Hey.
Hey, little buddy,
what you been doing?
Oh, nothing.
Now, I understand that you went
to the circus.
I did. I saw the Hat Lady.
Hat Lady.
"Fat." "Fat."
Hat Lady. F-f-hat Lady.
Fat. How do you say "F"?
That isn't in here.
"Chubby Lady." That's easier.
-I saw the Chucky--
-No, that's "chucky."
-Chucky Lady.
-Chub. Chubby.
-Choky.
-Chuggy, chug--
Hey. Hey.
What you doing, Bloodhound doggy?
That's a easy one,
"Bloodhound," isn't it?
Yeah.
-Yeah.
-You going to sleep?
-The doorman's approximately cute.
-The Mediterranean type.
-I'll say!
-You gotta trim their nose hair.
-Hi. May I help you?
-Vanderhoof.
-V-A-N--
-D-E-R-H-double O-F.
Non-smoking, two nights.
We have you down for a queen.
-What are you suggesting...
-Quiet.
...my dear man?
Do you want to use a card?
-Oh, yes.
-Talk to Daddy.
Seen enough dogs today?
Dogs? Yes. Big show.
-There's a lot of them in the hotel.
-A lot of them here in the lobby.
Okay.
If I could get you to sign here?
-How tall are you?
-6' 4."
Oh, I thought so. I feel like
Alan Ladd at Easter lsland.
6' 4."
Where you from? Like, Nor--
Nor-land? Norway?
-I'm lrish-German.
-Like Robert Duvall in The Godfather.
Bratwurst and shillelaghs.
Paging Dr. Freud!
-But this time, Robin will make it.
-Okay.
-Bake at 400?
-Yeah. For a very short time.
-Hi.
-Hi. How you doing?
I'm Jana, the production assistant.
They're ready. I'll take you on over.
It's showtime, baby.
Come on, little poochie.
-You were wonderful.
-You were magic.
Don't forget, Saturday
we have reservations.
Look.
They're having spring rolls.
-Hi.
-Hey! Hi, I'm Robin.
-I'm Christy.
-How are you?
-I'm Chuck.
-My God! You're so short!
Camera adds a few inches.
I saw you in a store a year ago.
You looked beautiful.
Oh, thank you.
-And this is....
-This is Butch! "Rhapsody in White."
Butch? But isn't Butch a bitch?
-Butch is a bitch.
-Robin and Chuck, be ready in 10.
-There's coffee if you're interested.
-Oh, thank you. Yes.
-Five seconds.
-Here we go.
-I love Japanese food.
-I have to rearrange.
Energy.
And we're back!
It's a big night here tomorrow.
The Mayflower's
Annual IKennel Club Dog Show.
And with us, owner Sherri Ann Cabot
and handler Christy Cummings...
...with their two-time champion,
Rhapsody in White. Welcome.
-Welcome-- Thank you!
-Yes.
Well, I am particular about my hair.
-But this...!
-Well, this takes about two hours.
What's with the plumber-butt thing
happening on the hip?
These pom-poms are keeping
Butch's hips warm from the cold water.
-The hip joints. It's very important.
-The little drummerette things that--
-Right. We keep--
-Those act as flippers.
Right.
-Look at this, sweetie.
-Look, Winky! Look, darling!
Welcome. May I help you?
Yes. You are sure to have
a reservation for Fleck.
Mayflower group.
Great. Gerald and Cookie Fleck.
We got you for two nights.
-Queen-size, non-smoking.
-That is correct, sir.
-You want to put this on a credit card?
-Yes.
Drove up from Florida.
Well, welcome.
-Thank you very much.
-How was the drive?
Oh, just super! Put a few clicks
on the old odometer...
...let me put it that way.
Good weather for most of it.
A little cloudy
coming up through West Virginia.
Then it stayed overcast
through Virginia.
But once we get into Pennsylvania,
it's still overcast.
Now, there's a little problem.
Do you have another credit card?
No. That's the good one.
-That should work.
-Give it a rub.
Yeah, check the strip.
Sometimes the change or the keys....
No, you see,
it's coming up bad each time.
That's a mistake. That's a good card.
-Do you have another--?
-That's the good card.
I think you should call them,
because that's a mistake.
-I'll call them.
-Don't worry, Gerry.
I had to pay the cable, the gas,
and the water.
-It's gotta be a mistake, honey.
-They're off our backs, but this....
Do you want to talk to the cardholder?
Because he wants to talk to you.
Yes, yes. Hello? Yes.
Who am I speaking to?
Doreen? This is Gerry Fleck--
Tell them they sent one notice.
We're having a problem
with our card here, and-- Yes.
We have till two to pay it.
Tell her we have till two.
Till two notices.
We don't have to pay on--
Well, two notices.
My wife does all the bill-paying.
She's not a forgetful person.
Hang on.
Two notices, honey. They've--
-Could I offer another suggestion?
-That's bull!
If you had cash
for two nights' deposit, then we'll--
Yes. Yes.
How much?
$1 50 a night. That's $300.
And you'd be refunded a substantial
portion of that on checkout.
We don't have $300.
We....
Well, I've got...
...thirty-four.
What about traveler's checks?
We certainly take traveler's checks.
-Did you get some?
-No.
Let me see what I can do.
The excitement's starting to build.
Butch has a light in her eyes
that says it's showtime.
This is the beginning of our ritual...
...this party, our preshow ritual
for the Mayflower.
And we just did the official toast.
And the way it goes is that
when the ice sculpture--
--which, as you can see, is Butch--
--when it melts all the way down,
the party's over.
And it looks like tomorrow's
gonna be a beautiful day.
This year, we're adding a new element
to the preshow ritual.
Sherri will do my makeup.
I'm very excited--
It's a way for me to relax,
and to show, again, my art.
And she's the epitome of glamour,
you know...
...so I feel like I'm in good hands.
I think she could use some glamour.
Well, I don't know.
I'm not you, that's for sure.
I apologize. This is all we have.
We are so full up.
We don't want you out in the cold.
This will give you
some sort of a place to stay.
Don't judge it by this.
We're gonna clean this stuff out...
...and bring in a cot,
make it comfy for you.
-Good. Oh, it's super. Really super.
-Yeah.
-Is there a bathroom?
-Two flights down.
It's the lobby bathroom.
It's stocked with paper towels,
toilet tissue and soap.
You can freshen up in there.
Thank you.
-Room service?
-That's the good news.
You're next to the kitchen.
Literally.
Grab somebody and get a menu.
And you'll be able to order from them.
And say just "utility closet"?
As a matter of fact, yeah.
I don't think we'll have a problem.
I'll alert the staff
to your presence too.
I've gotta get back to the desk...
...but anything you need,
ask for Mark Schaefer.
-Thanks so much.
-Thank you, Mark.
-Thank you.
-Bye-bye.
I think I'll switch
to the mock turtleneck.
-The charcoal one from Saks.
-Great. Okay.
Is that not breathing or...?
Well, it's breathing now,
but at the party...
...it's gonna be hot down there.
Then again, it goes so well
with the trousers.
Or I could go with the lamb's wool.
Then again, you're gonna see a lot
of khaki down there.
And this merlot looks good
with the gray.
You know what?
-Maybe we should stay.
-What?
We shouldn't leave her up here alone.
We have to go. We have to make
an appearance. You know that.
-Are you upset, baby?
-Yes, of course she's upset.
Don't be upset.
Mommy and Daddy are only gonna--
Don't, not the lips.
Mommy and Daddy are going
for a little bit.
And we'll be back. Huh?
You got your busy bee.
-You got busy bee.
-Oh, I want to stay.
-You can't.
-I want to.
-You can't.
-I want to.
You can't stay.
-More Gouda, honey?
-No, thanks, Gerry.
-Super party, huh?
-Yeah, but--
You know, I ran into that woman
that owned the Terrier.
From Florida. We were in that show.
The Elvis, not Costello.
-Remember that little Terrier?
-The bitch that pushed Winky?
Pushed him way off his gait?
Cookie Googleman?
-Yeah.
-It is you. Malcolm!
Malcolm?
Gerry, my husband. This is Malcolm.
-What's shaking?
-Not much, Gary. How are you?
-Doesn't she look fantastic?
-Boy, I'll say.
-Thank you.
-Just fantastic.
Been what? I don't know,
18, 1 9 years? Louisville.
The Mint Julep.
You were working as a waitress.
Wow.
Malcolm. Malcolm, Malcolm, Malcolm.
I've banged a lot
of waitresses in my day.
But you were the best. By far.
-You don't forget the best.
-Nope.
Oh, Gerry. Oh, Gerry.
They gotta do something
about the air conditioning.
Great to see you.
Nice to see you, Malcolm.
IKeep them up. IKeep them up.
The beat goes on, okay?
The beat goes on. Gerry, my husband.
Don't worry, I know where I am.
-Just....
-But that was fun.
Your house is beautiful.
The food, delicious.
And to see Butch with her crown on.
It's so cute.
That's her game face.
Absolutely right.
-She winked at me.
-Did she?
-She winked at me.
-You little flirt.
She's not gonna wear
the crown tomorrow, is she?
-She'll walk around as if she were.
-It is. It's a fun party.
-We only do that once a year.
-She must be very proud.
-You bet.
-Oh, yeah.
-It's her night.
-It is. She's the star.
And hopefully, she's going to be
the star tomorrow.
-We'll have to see.
-That's up to her.
-I guess. And some other people.
-It's in her hands.
Some think if you're on a small creek,
a small body of water...
...that you have to use a small fly.
But I've been in situations,
even on a big river...
...where I'm using a size 18,
a size 20, a size 22.
I go with a dropper
or with a Parachute Adams.
A PT Nymph on the end,
and you could hook a big fish.
Many think you have to go with...
...a Woolly Bugger or Sculpin pattern
of some kind.
Maybe Egg-Sucking Leech, which I've
never had any luck with myself.
Is that L.L. Bean?
-Is this L.L. Bean?
-This?
Can I check?
-I don't know.
-Oh, Hamilton.
What? Just checking.
Stefan, Stefan.
This is my "euphemism," Stefan.
I want you to meet my new friends.
-How are you, Gerry?
-Stefan.
-Hello. You're Coo...?
-No, it's Cookie.
It's Coo-Coo-Coo-Coo-Cookie!
I was noticing your pants.
And then I noticed this.
-Very funny.
-To death.
Did he say his name's Mary,
as well as advertising it?
-He was introduced as Mary, but--
-You know what? My name's not Mary.
-It's Debbie!
-It's not. It's Debra!
No, it's Scott.
Do you have an appreciation for the
amount of work that went into these?
-I ought to. I did it myself.
-Wow. Gee.
It bored him to death.
I talked about it nonstop.
Well, that is six months
working with leather and red thread.
-How much fun was he to be with?
-Heaven.
-I make all this stuff.
-He's very talented.
-You must be very proud, Mary.
-"Proud Mary"!
Oh, my goodness!
Who are you all of a sudden?
-Good baby-boomer gag.
-Who are you in the burgundy jacket?
-Good heavens!
-Mr. Hip!
-Move your feet. Move.
-Gotcha.
Stop it.
-You're quick enough on the draw.
-I'll say.
-Thank you, Mr. Handyman.
-Yes, sir.
-Tanka up.
-Tanka.
Hi, Terry?
Hi. Yeah, we're here.
Where were you?
So, how's everything?
Did he eat the pte?
Did you put the vitamins in?
Okay. Did he go poop?
Thank you.
Too much information.
Put him on.
I just want to say good night.
Hi, Tyrone. Hi, it's Daddy.
Hi, Tyrone. How are you?
Say hello? Say hello, Aggie?
I can hear him breathing.
We'll be home tomorrow.
I wanted to say good night.
I'm gonna sing a little bit
of your favorite song.
They buried Barbara
ln the old churchyard
They buried William beside her
And from his grave
Grew a red, red rose
And out ofhers a briar
Good night. Don't stay up all night
watching old movies.
Live From the Beyman Center
in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, USA
It's the 125th Annual
Mayflower Kennel Club Dog Show
Brought to you by lams Eukanuba
And let me tell you, the City
ofBrotherly Love is aglow tonight
Three thousand dogs competing
for Best in Show
Some big and some are small.
Some really small.
Bushy coats and coats so silky...
...they look like they were spun
by a giant spider!
You name it, they're here!
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
I'm Buck Laughlin.
If you're a dog
or a friend of a dog...
...you want to circle this night
in your TV Guide...
...because, Trevor Beckwith,
they come to the Mayflower...
...with their crates,
their kibble, and their cookies.
And, most important,
with a will to win...
...that only a fellow dog
can truly appreciate.
Your thoughts on that matter?
Buck, I can't speak for the animals,
of course...
...but certainly, every human being in
this building is as excited as I am.
-You wrote a book, didn't you?
-I did. I did. Follow the Lead.
A book about obedience.
Basic obedience training for dogs.
As you know, I have a franchise
of schools around--
I didn't.
So this is right down your alley.
I went to an obedience place once.
It was going well till they spilled
hot candle wax on my private parts.
I'm just kidding.
I know what you're saying.
Because she's a winner.
Because she is Miss America.
You are little Miss America.
I'm trying to groom her.
She's fine. She's fine.
You know what?
She's feeling chuffed.
Feeling full of herself.
What I want her to do
is calm down a little bit.
-Just don't do the front. Let me--
-Okay. Fine.
What do you want more than anything?
Do you want the big blue ribbon?
Do you want red? No.
Do you want yellow? No.
You want the blue.
What do you see in front of me?
You see a blue ribbon
in front of you.
You want it?
Grab it! Get it!
She's not listening!
She's freaking out.
Get the busy bee.
You want your busy bee?
You get the busy bee.
I need to trim her whiskers.
It's in the crate!
It's in the crate!
Why wasn't it out to begin with?
Where in the crate?
-It's not in here!
-It should be in the crate!
It's not here!
I just told you that!
God, Hamilton, if she doesn't get
her toy she's gonna flip out!
See? It's not in here!
You left it at the hotel!
You go get it!
Go to the hotel and get busy bee!
Run! Run! Go!
Mommy's getting the toy. Don't worry.
We just had a little discussion.
Look at me.
Don't look at anybody else.
Don't look at the fat-ass losers
or freaks! You look at me!
-And what's the first category here?
-The Hound group.
You have your finger on everything.
The Hounds are coming out.
These are some unusual dogs.
The Hound group can be divided
into two groups, sight and scent.
This is the first of seven groups
that we'll see this evening...
...as the dogs progress towards
the Best in Show title.
-The judge is Eddie Franklin.
-That's Edie. Edie Franklin.
-Edie?
-A retired teacher from New Jersey.
You're right. That's a lady.
She gives them a thorough going-over.
Are all judges that thorough?
She looks at the teeth....
It's important that
all attributes are examined.
Teeth, eyes, ears, gums--
Ouch! Do I see right?
Where's she putting her hand?
Well, she's just checking out the
dog's testicular area to make sure...
-Whoa.
-...that everything is intact.
Hate to go out with Judge Edie
and have her judge me.
That would be no fun.
Would you take your dog down
and back for me, please?
Now she's having the dogs--
Why do they have them run away
and then back up?
What are they looking for?
For the dog's gait and movement,
to see the small angles.
So, Edie will be checking out
this thing in particular.
Good way to judge a woman.
Have her run away and then run back.
You know, those "birds"
on Carnaby Street.
I'm used to seeing them run away
more often than run towards me.
Now what is that?
That's a Bloodhound, isn't it?
Oh, this is a tremendous dog.
I would say in two to three years,
this could be a champion dog.
I think it may be
a tad immature for this year.
Trying to get some playing time.
Take your dog down and back
for me, please?
You know what would be funny? It's
just an idea off the top of my head.
Why didn't he put
a Sherlock Holmes hat on it...
...and put a pipe in his mouth?
Are they allowed to dress up
a dog in a funny way?
No, that's not the purpose
of these shows.
But it would really get
the crowd going, you know?
-The hat with a pipe?
-Absolutely.
You could make it look like
the pipe's smoking.
I think that would be
a little dangerous.
I'd get a kick out of it.
Now, that looks like a fast dog.
Is that faster than a Greyhound?
-Well--
-In a race, who would come in first?
If you had a little jockey
on him, going--
Let me ask, if you
put them on a football team...
...which would be the wide receiver,
which one the tight end?
Who can go the farthest, the fastest?
I don't know any dogs
that play football.
I'm having some fun with you.
It's tension time. Who will she pick?
She's looking them over close.
Yes, she's been very careful
with this group.
Is there anything they can do now
to sway the judge?
Nothing at all.
Just hope and pray at this point.
-Bring the Bloodhound out, please.
-Oh, ho. That's a surprise.
Bring the Beagle out, please.
Please sit down.
The Borzoi, please.
And the Petit, please.
All right.
Our little Sherlock Holmes dog
is out there, huh?
Even without the hat and the pipe.
So it's down to four now.
She's taking a final look
at the four she's picked:
The Bloodhound, the Beagle,
the Borzoi, and the PBGV.
That's the way I want them!
One. Two.
Three. And four.
And that's it. That's the order.
Frankly, I'm very surprised.
-An upset. The rookie came through.
-It's definitely an upset.
That's a tremendous achievement.
Have you tried looking under the bed?
Of course I've looked under the bed!
That's where you look
when you lose things!
You! What's she here for?
I called you 30 minutes ago!
You call yourself a maid?
Where are you from?
-I know people at INS!
-I'm an American citizen.
-They'll come in a van and take you...
-I'll handle it.
...back to where you came from!
Who do you think you are?
I've spent 20 minutes--
-Go get your papers!
-You're too agitated over a dog's toy.
-A dog's toy?
-Yes.
You obviously don't know my dog!
Don't tell me--!
-There's a pet store right downstairs.
-A pet store down the stairs?!
-Yes.
-Are you a wizard?! A genius?!
Why didn't you tell me before?!
Thanks for your help,
you stupid hotel manager!
Yeah, see the coat?
I gotta tell you, I've never felt...
...more confident than I feel
right now.
Like I could say to the
president of the IKennel Club:
"Why don't we skip to the chase here,
and just give me the cup.
I'll be on my way.
You can take my photo."
I honestly feel that way.
But, you never know...
...because there's so many variables
that I just can't control.
But, everything's going as planned.
Except for the makeup.
Well, Sherri Ann did put
some makeup on me...
...but it's really not my style,
so I took it off.
-It looked good.
-It was a bit much.
No, it looked really good.
I did a wonderful...
...Sophia Loren Persian eye.
And it looked very dramatic,
and looked very showlike.
It was a little over the top.
I looked freakish, so I took it off.
-No, you didn't.
-You have to just let this go, okay?
But, I do like what she did
with my hair.
Well, now it's time for the toys.
They're well-named.
They look like they could be wound up.
This is a fun group. And the crowd
always responds to the toys.
It's wonderful, the character
you see in these dogs.
That's what a lot of people
are looking for in a toy dog.
They're crowd pleasers. Frederick
Basil-Abbott Ill is the judge.
-He's got his hands full.
-Yes.
-Hey, hey, baby. Aw, a Bloodhound?
-Oh, yeah.
-Beautiful.
-Yep.
-Beautiful. How old is he?
-Yeah. He's 2.
-Slobbers a lot.
-He's a 2-year-old. Oh, yes.
-He's a 2-year. He's a slobberpuss.
-He is a slobberer. He's gorgeous.
-Yes, he is.
-Yeah.
I handle Rhapsody in White.
-The Poodle, right? The Standard?
-Yeah. Two-time Best in Show.
-Last two years here at the Mayflower.
-That's--
-I'm sure you know that.
-Yes.
-Yeah, so--
-I'm Harlan Pepper.
Christy Cummings.
But you probably know that.
Well, I do and I don't.
-You take care.
-I will.
Take care, Hubert. We'll see you.
The toy group
has long been a favorite.
Going back hundreds of years, when--
I'd be hard-pressed
to pick my favorite.
The Shih Tzu is a terrific dog.
-What's that one?
-The Shih Tzu.
-The Shih Tzu!
-That's a name you don't...
...play around with. It doesn't come
trippingly off the tongue.
"Stewardess, can I take a Shih Tzu on,
or does it have to be stowed?"
-"Is that a Shih Tzu in your...?"
-An old joke, but still good.
It's a crowd pleaser.
Ma'am, can I have
the ltalian Greyhound over here?
-He's known as a deliberate judge.
-Is that right?
Yes. An interesting side note:
He trained to be a priest at one time.
He was in a seminary.
Never went through with it all,
but it's unusual.
It'd be interesting to know why.
But that's a whole other show.
Sir, can I have the Pom
over here, please?
Ma'am, the Toy Poodle behind, please.
Sir, could I have
the Shih Tzu here, please?
They are a playful bunch, aren't they?
Thank you, sir. One.
Two. Three. Four.
Thank you. Oh, I'm sorry.
-Oh, congratulations.
-Thank you.
My little princess.
-My hero.
-Oh, thanks.
-God, thank you.
-Good job.
-Thanks.
-The Pom was no problem?
Pom broke his gait.
He might as well have taken a dump.
I was amazed the Yorkie
didn't do better.
-Who knew?
-Look at this. It's all you.
First in group.
Best in Show coming up.
She's like, "Group, shmoop.
Bring it on."
Which reminds me,
gotta go to the hotel.
-I have to change.
-Want some soup?
-Bath balm.
-Bath balm.
Immediately.
-Hello.
-Hi. I'm looking for a toy.
-It's a bumble bee. It's like a--
-For what kind of animal?
For a dog. It's a bee.
It's a bumble bee.
And it's furry.
It's about this big.
-Okay.
-Right.
It's a bumble bee.
Stripes on it.
-Here it is. Is this it?
-No, that's a bear in a bee costume.
Okay. I'm just trying to help.
It's about this big.
And it squeaks in the middle.
Oh. Okay.
This one squeaks. You know?
And I think it's striped.
I think the dog
will respond to the stripes.
And it's reminiscent
of a bumble bee, I think.
-It's like a bee.
-That's a parrot.
That's what the dog's responding to.
But you can look in the box here.
We have more.
Like this one.
The yellow and black one there?
-This?
-That's like a bee.
-This is a fish.
-Well, we know that's a fish...
-...but to a dog--
-Just shut up.
-I'm gonna get this.
-I'm just trying to help.
Thank you.
This is least like a bee
of what we have.
I didn't ask for your opinion.
I asked for a toy that you don't have!
-Oh, baby, you're so good.
-Yes.
Look at you.
Who could look at this face and say,
"Oh, I want him."
You. Hey, Wink. Hey, Wink.
-Look at this.
-Did you see the scary dog?
You. Hey, Winky, look at this.
You! Yes.
He's just a natural.
And look at his face.
Could he be sweeter or more loving?
The group is all about attitude.
And look at this.
What, could you find
a more likable attitude?
A happier, happier-to-know-you
kind of attitude?
I'm talking about you.
And here come the Terriers!
This is a very popular group.
There's a lot of winners that have
come out of this group in past shows.
-It's also popular with the crowd.
-They're lovable dogs.
-Wonderful personality.
-Very frisky, very playful.
It's sad, when you look at
how beautiful they are...
...to think that in some countries,
these dogs are eaten.
And once around, please.
That's my favorite,
the Miniature Schnauzer.
How do they make them miniature?
Is there some way, some process
they physically...
...miniaturize the dog?
Or is it a puppy?
What the devil is going on?
They just.... It's breeding.
They breed them small.
You'd think they'd want them bigger,
like grapefruits or watermelons.
Now, what's that up on the table?
That's the Norwich.
She's taking a close look
at the Norwich.
That handler looks familiar to me.
Madam, could you bring the dog
further down in back, please?
That's my dog.
Did I mention my idea for a book
for you?
Women bathing their dogs.
In cutoff jeans and T-shirts...
...and with the soap.
How it gets all wet, then the water,
let your imagination run wild.
Get the IKennel Club
behind it, make a few bucks.
That's what it's all about.
Put your name on it.
Bathing Your Dog
With Trevor Beckwith.
Doing It Doggy Style. You come up
with that, I'm not the literary guy.
All right. Judge Ruth Collier
is looking very closely.
One.
Two.
Three. Four.
Thank you.
Here.
What the hell is this?
-It's a toy.
-It's a rooster or something.
Get out the bee. Where's the bee?
I couldn't find it.
I went to the hotel, I asked.
You were gone for a half-hour and
you came back with this purple thing?!
Don't spit at me!
Don't you yell at me!
You take care of it!
-I will take care of it!
-Stop it! Just....
We're here with Dr. Millbank,
President of the Mayflower IKennel Club.
Doctor, let me ask you something.
I got a little bursitis in my shoulder.
Do you recommend heat or cold?
-I'm not that kind of doctor.
-I know that.
I'm just kidding. He's not
that kind of doctor...
...but he's got such a good sense of
humor, we like to have a few laughs.
Question that's always bothered me
and a lot of people:
Mayflower, combined with Philadelphia,
no-brainer, right?
Because this is where
the Mayflower landed.
Not so, it turns out Columbus actually
set foot somewhere in the West lndies.
Little-known fact.
How does the name Mayflower get up
to the Quaker City?
It wasn't actually Columbus on the
Mayflower, as you probably remember.
And he did land in Plymouth Rock,
Massachusetts.
They landed in several places,
because there's the Nina...
-...the Pnta, a couple of them....
-And the Santa Maria.
-They all landed in different places.
-Not really.
Well, I'm not the historian.
Let the production people deal
with that one.
Right. It doesn't matter.
So these are the sporting dogs.
These are the athletes.
These are the jocks of the dog world,
wouldn't you say?
These are the dogs that
you'll often see...
...hanging on the wall in museums
and classic paintings.
This group is actually known as...
...the Hunting Group
in the United IKingdom.
And the judge is Judge Freda Dunlop.
She is also very, very slow...
-...and determined.
-Very deliberate.
Now, we're seeing the Weimaraner,
a wonderful dog.
That's a beauty.
That's "The Grey Ghost."
Oh, I'm sorry. Get down.
Please control your dog.
That's not a good start.
Right around here. Let's try again.
This has never happened before, ever.
I'm sorry. We're dismissing you.
Just give us another chance.
-I'm sorry. We're dismissing you.
-No, let me just try again.
This does not look good.
He went after her like
she's made out of ham.
And I guess he's getting
the old heave-ho.
-The dog has been excused.
-She is gone.
Just get away from me,
you goddamn asshole!
-It's a shame to see that happen.
-Beautiful dog.
-But he's still a champion.
-Oh, yes.
Even though he leaves in disgrace.
Like "Shoeless Joe" Jackson.
He's out of the leagues, but we still
talk about him today.
Hi. I'd like...
...an extra-large bucket of popcorn,
half-butter, half-salt.
I wouldn't normally
just be out here...
...pigging out.
But...
...l'm a little nervous right now.
There's a lot at stake.
You know, we've had two wins.
This would be our third...
...and I'm making Leslie nervous.
I'm making myself very nervous.
And my nervousness is...
...is rubbing off on Leslie. And....
I feel like l...
...l just really need to listen
to my inner instinct...
...and my inner instinct says...
..."Don't go right now."
So, I'm not going out.
I'm gonna be right here until
I get another message...
...from myself.
What are you doing, honey?
They're just finishing up
the Non-sporting in a second.
I'm looking for the hand cream.
Did you bring it?
I've got a lot of hand cream.
But I don't have the....
God, look at that IKeeshond.
Is that hideous?
What's that doing at the Mayflower?
Oh, my goodness.
You might want to see this.
It's Miss Cummings.
Is it ever Miss Cummings.
Oh, my God.
Bob Mackie, where are you
when we need you?
She looks like a cocktail waitress
on an oil rig.
Doesn't--? Look at the piping.
She tries to be so self-possessed,
but look at the terror in her face.
It's all about fear for her.
Well, it's all about her.
He's taking his time picking.
That's for sure.
And stopping them once again.
He is a highly respected judge.
Often tends to go on personality.
And we've certainly got a lot of
personality in this selection.
You're number one. Two.
Three. And four.
Yeah. Look at that Poodle.
She knows she's a winner.
And look at her handler.
That is one happy fella.
That is actually a woman.
A woman-- Iady handler.
They are sharing thejoy.
And this is interesting,
do you think they can feel thejoy?
-Okay.
-Big surprise.
There it is.
I better show Agnes this bitch.
Oh, God. When she smiles....
Stop eating that shirt and look
at your competition.
That is Rhapsody in White.
That's who you're gonna beat.
-She wins in a waltz, don't you?
-She does.
Christy's gonna go talk to Sherri Ann.
Here's Sherri Ann.
What is Sherri Ann wearing?
And she--
Hello?
Rhapsody has two mommies.
All right, Trevor Beckwith,
it all comes down to this.
They're going for all the marbles.
The Best in Show.
The final seven.
It's the bottom of the ninth inning.
It's the goal line stand.
It's the final round.
And after all the grooming, the
petting, the kibbles, the liver snaps.
Your opinion. Your feedback.
This is a very exciting moment.
All these are wonderful dogs.
And this is the moment everybody's
been waiting for.
The last seven. The best of the best.
-This is a great moment.
-Creme de la creme.
-As long as you're calm.
-I do. I am.
Because I'm as calm as a cucumber,
okay?
Why don't you sit down?
-Go sit down.
-I'm kidding. I'm nervous.
So sit down now because Winky and I
have to get ready for the show.
IKnock them dead, honey.
-Good luck.
-Thank you.
-Good luck.
-"Bye-bye, Daddy."
Say, "Bye-bye, Daddy." Bye, darling.
Sweetheart?
-Make Fern City proud, okay?
-I will.
-What the--?
-Are you all right?
What'd I trip on? Did somebody put
something here so I'd trip?
-Calm down.
-Why did you fall?
Okay, it's just my knee. I'm fine.
Look out. You're gonna
step on your dog.
-Oh, no. Your knee is all messed up.
-We need a doctor.
Is there--? Can we get a medic?
It's Best ln Show.
Your knee is ballooning up
like a watermelon, sweetheart.
Baby, you can't miss this.
Winky can't miss this.
He's worked for two and a half years.
He can't miss this.
-He can't miss?
-He can't miss it.
-Then we get a handler.
-A handler?
-We get a professional handler.
-A stranger?
If you want the dog in the show,
we need a handler.
You have to do it. You have to.
You have a concussion.
You're not making any sense.
All you have to do is follow him.
Just follow him.
-We'll take care of you.
-You'll be fine.
I've walked him--
You take him for a walk every night.
That's gaiting.
I don't even know what gaiting is.
What's this?
Your number, keep it on your left arm.
IKeep the dog on the left too.
Gerry...
...you're gonna show Winky.
And here they come! The Pointer....
The Pointer from the Sporting Group,
handled by Jill IKoch.
And look at that magnificent dog.
Absolutely beautiful.
Do you think they know
the championship's on the line here?
I think they know
they're very special dogs...
...and that they're still in it.
And the Bloodhound....
-Picking up the track of the Pointer.
-Beautiful dog.
Hubert.
I was talking to his owner
and handler, Harlan Pepper...
...and he believes this dog has
a tremendous future.
And here's the Siberian Husky,
handled by Joanne Dixon.
-Also a beautiful dog.
-Magnificent, yes.
And they're strutting their stuff
too.
The Terrier group now.
This is the Norwich Terrier.
With....
-Seems to have a different handler.
-It's not Cookie Fleck.
We're getting word that
the dog is being handled by...
...Cookie's husband, Gerry Fleck.
-Very unusual.
-Boy, this is thrilling.
The bottom of the ninth,
a pinch hitter comes in.
Am I nuts or--?
Something's wrong with his feet.
I don't think I ever find myself
saying this, but I think...
-...you're right.
-He's got two left feet.
That is certainly a first.
Go get 'em, pal! Man!
And the Toy Group, the Shih Tzu
is here with Scott Donlan...
-...in a splendid outfit.
-Scott is prancing along...
...with the dog.
And look at his outfit.
In my neighborhood,
you wear an outfit like that...
...you better be a hotel doorman.
-He is having fun with his dog.
-Here's Rhapsody...
-That's your favorite.
-...with Christy.
And the crowd's reacting too.
This dog is as close to perfect as I
think you'll see. And she knows it.
-She knows this.
-She has a winner's attitude.
And last, lastly we have the...
...the Shetland Sheepdog.
The dog I have.
The Sheltie.
Let me ask you.
This may be a little bit off the path.
How much weight do you think
I could bench press?
Just make a guess.
A ballpark figure.
31 5 pounds.
I was in top shape.
I don't know if I could make it
back and forth here.
-Quite impressive.
-Dead-lifted over 500.
-I think we're all set to go here.
-Oh, boy. Oh, boy!
Bring out the Pointer, please.
And the judge is Everett Bainbridge,
if I'm not wrong.
Yes, Everett is a very
experienced judge.
-I would hope so.
-We're in very good hands.
This is like the World Series.
You get the best umpires.
Once around, please.
Bring out the Bloodhound.
Once around, please.
Can a dog win it or lose it
in this last round...
...or has the judge made up his mind?
Oh, good heavens, no. This is...
...still open at this point.
It's apples and oranges,
different breeds.
Are they looking for
something particular?
It's a gut reaction on some level.
These are all...
-...superb animals.
-Very subjective, then.
Very difficult task to pick.
Let me ask you, does money ever
exchange hands under the table?
-Good Lord, no.
-Don't stick your neck out.
I'd be tempted to lay a few dollars.
Once around, please.
They're just one cuter than the other.
And I think everybody
responds to that.
Bring out the Shih Tzu, please.
I couldn't get used
to being probed and prodded.
I told my proctologist once:
"Why don't you take me out
to dinner and a movie sometime?"
Yes. I remember you said that
last year.
Once around, please.
Bring out the standard Poodle, please!
This may seem like a silly question.
If you get a French dog,
a Chinese dog, a German dog...
...do they all bark the same?
They all sound the same....
Or is it a different language?
Different dogs have different
intonations and tones.
The country, the boundaries,
doesn't make any difference?
Bring out the Shetland Sheepdog,
please.
I notice in these competitions
they don't do the basic...
..."sit up," "roll over,"
"fetch," "heel."
They start at a higher level than that,
don't they?
Those are the basic commands--
And is that taken into consideration
at the start, or, I mean...
...are you just judging by how well
a dog is groomed?
Once around.
These dogs are pampered and petted...
...and all in top physical condition.
No question. This is the prime.
You won't see finer specimens
than these seven dogs.
It's a shame, really,
that there has to be one picked.
Because as we've said
time and time again...
...these aren't just winners.
These are winners within winners.
And Mr. Bainbridge is taking a very,
very close look at these dogs.
I don't envy him this task.
He's a master of...
...1 50 breeds.
And this well-informed judge....
This is a terribly difficult task.
Like the umpire calling a close play
at home plate in the bottom of the 9th.
I wouldn't want to be in his shoes.
The judge is going over to the judges'
table to sign the book.
-So he's made his decision.
-We have a winner.
Lot of hearts in dogs' throats.
Do dogs react to this?
They sense the tension. They have to.
They can't not.
And here comes the cup, with Doctor
Millbank and Graham Chissolm.
Look at the size of that. I've taken
sponge baths in smaller bowls.
This really is the defining moment
of this competition.
The Norwich Terrier!
Congratulations, you did a great job.
Thank you. Thanks.
Cookie! We did it!
-We took the Mayflower!
-You're so beautiful!
Oh, my God! Oh, thank you!
After the Mayflower,
we came back to Fern City...
...and we were celebrities.
We were big.
We were big. Everything just broke
loose like a cannon.
We were given the key to the city
from the mayor.
-With a picture in the newspaper.
-Picture in the newspaper.
We, we, we had....
-Radio interviews.
-Radio interviews.
-Three.
-Three radio interviews.
And you know, at some point,
a good friend of ours said:
"You know, you've got
all these great songs...
...that you do about your Terriers,
and you're....
Do something with them...
...because you're celebrities now."
We never thought of it.
We were just doing it for fun.
Just for the love of Terriers.
But, thinking, "Yeah. Why not?"
There's something to be said for that.
Back yard, front yard, or the park
Play with it till it gets dark
Take it home after a while.
Then chew it up
Terrier style
Bow-wow
Delish
Some dish
-Cookie?
-Yeah?
Cookie Googleman?
Does this ring a bell?
I'm not wearing underwear
-Bulge?
-Yeah, that's me!
Bulge?
-Get out of town!
-It's me!
You look fantastic.
You too. You've grown.
I'm growing right now, girl,
just looking at you.
That is the one and only time
I've ever done it on a roller coaster.
I like both of them.
And we could fiind something there.
But what I like about these,
and Sherri Ann would agree....
Honey?
If we could get this picture
of the dog...
...and maybe one of these....
Gosh, it's been a year.
So much has happened. Oh, my gosh.
Well...
...we didn't win at Mayflower.
Which is surreal and was
extremely disturbing.
-It was so not right.
-It was devastating.
But the silver lining of this cloud,
of course, is that...
...you know, it brought us
to a new level in our relationship.
And now we got to open up
these offices...
...and publish this magazine here.
American Bitch. The dog magazine
for women and their dogs.
It's a focus on the issues of
the lesbian purebred dog owner.
We're on our third issue.
These are our first two issues here.
And it's fantastic, you know?
Sherri Ann is definitely
the inspiration and, you know...
...and I do the grunt work,
the details.
She has a very big heart.
She's generous. She's kind.
-She's sweet.
-Well, vice versa.
Yeah. She's changed my life.
And, and as it turns out, she's...
...dynamite in the sack.
Likewise, I'm sure.
After the dog show...
...l was on an EI AI flight
to Haifa...
...faster than a walnut could roll off
a henhouse roof.
And I spent about three weeks
on a kibbutz, just mellowing out.
Of course, they make you work.
But it was a goodplace
to clear your mind.
And I realized that I had
a lot to offer...
...besides just having a fishing shop
and going to dog shows, though.
I've been working pretty hard on...
...mastering the art
of ventriloquism...
...which is an ancient art.
And it requires a kind of
scientifiic mind.
And I enjoy being able
to put people...
...in another dimension,
so to speak...
...where they look around
and they don't know...
...where the voice is coming from,
which is the whole point, I guess.
-Let's all go honky-tonking
-Down in Louisiana
-Where the biscuits and gravy are like
-Dixie 's manna
Let's go honky-tonking
They'll be
Glad to see us
On a Louisiana night
All right, I'm coming. I only have
five arms. Hold your horses.
-We should have gotten horses.
-Little bitty horses.
That'd be real smart.
We always wanted to do this.
One thing that brought us together...
... was our love of old movies
of the '30s and '40s.
The MGM musicals
and the great love stories.
So we decided to create this calendar
with our buddy Terry.
Terry's a photographer...
...he lives really near us.
He took these pictures for us about
two years ago for Stefan's birthday.
-Which are--
-Boudoir shots.
You're not allowed to see them.
It's, sort of, that kind of thing.
And we love them.
And Terry's very talented.
And he loves our dogs.
So we had this idea.
We loved old movies so much...
...so we wanted to put it together...
...into one project...
... which was going to set
the world aflame.
I don't know if it'll do that, but....
We 're not gonna sell it.
It's for friends.
-We should try to sell it.
-Really?
Shih Tzus in the great love scenes
of the-- Well, maybe.
If we could give the money
to Shih Tzu Rescue.
-They have plenty of money.
-So do we.
And what Shih Tzus need rescuing,
anyway?
What Shih Tzu is straggling around the
street with an old coat saying:
-"Help! Alms for the poor!"
-Like the little match girl.
So, how have things been going?
Everything's changed for the better.
-We are so happy now.
-We are so happy.
And our sex life is finally
back on track, huh?
-Good.
-Beatrice had so many problems.
She was a real problem.
-Poor thing.
-Just negative.
-Very negative dog.
-Very negative.
And hurtful, I thought.
Didn't you think so?
And our new dog, IKipper...
...is fantastic.
Oh, talk about a winner.
-Such a winner.
-And he doesn't mind us having sex.
-He likes it. He likes to watch.
-He likes to watch.
-Oh, honey.
-What we went through, huh?
It was horrible.
-He's a good dog.
-He is a good dog.
And you're a good lady.