Best of Stand-Up 2022 (2022) Movie Script

1
Every study they've ever done
to determine who's smarter,
men or women, every study comes back
and says women are smarter.
Every fucking one.
Ladies, you shouldn't be applauding that.
You know I'm an asshole.
You know this isn't gonna end well.
"Did he say I'm pretty? Oh, my God."
Get out of the relationship.
If every study says that you're smarter...
okay...
the question you should be asking yourself
was, "If we're so goddamn smart,
how are we in the situation we're in?"
Well?
You're in the situation you're in,
not because of guys like me.
As much as you wanna blame me, you know?
Ladies, you can't tell me you never
drove by a sports bar on a football Sunday
and looked at the humanity in there.
All those dumb guys with their
big beer bellies bumping chests.
"Hey, he's on my fantasy team.
Up top, yeah.
You wanna get
some more mozzarella sticks?"
As a woman, with your bigger brain,
you never looked in there
and thought to yourself,
"I'm fucking losing to that?
I'm losing to that."
My nephew is 25 years old,
and he is dating this architect.
My goodness,
she... she is so smart and interesting,
successful and charismatic.
And we all hope
that he marries her one day.
But he calls me up earlier this week,
and he was like,
"You know, Auntie Ali,
I think I'ma break up with her.
Yeah, because she's a boss at work,
and so she thinks it's okay
to come home and boss me around."
I was like, "Oh.
Well,
that's shit's gonna happen to you
no matter what."
Whether she a boss,
whether she employed or unemployed,
once you get married and have kids,
your wife gonna boss you around.
And you would know that
if you watched House Hunters.
House Hunters is a show on HGTV
where a couple pretends that
there's a decision to be made together.
And they go on this fake-ass journey
looking at three different houses.
And the audience is meant
to be left in suspense.
"Oh, which house are they gonna choose?"
It's whichever one Barbara wanted
in the first place, okay?
And Barbara, who lives in Boise, Idaho,
or wherever the fuck
these HGTV shows are filmed
where houses cost $5,000 an acre...
Barbara, she don't got money,
power or respect,
but Barbara is a woman.
And all women are very good at
being extremely unpleasant...
and holding your happiness
and self-esteem hostage
until we get
what we fucking deserve, okay?
Yes.
I'm at that age where I don't like
going to the doctor.
'Cause a lot of doctors are my age.
And they're Indian,
which means I might know them.
So we're sitting there
in the waiting room at NYU, right?
Door opens, nurse come out.
She's like, "Dr. Gupta will see you now."
I'm like, "Oh...
...this better not be Arjun Gupta
from Sacramento."
Then I hear a familiar voice.
He's like, "Hasan Minhaj?"
I'm like, "This is Arjun Gupta
from Sacramento!"
I know this kid. He's a fucking idiot.
He failed out of the Caribbean med school.
Twice!
I go, "Arjun, how are you licensed?"
He's like, "I don't know.
That's why I'm a jizz doctor
with a basement office.
Yo, drop your pants. How's auntie?"
I'm like,
"Don't talk about my mom, Arjun."
Beena, he's not even an MD!
He's a goddamn DO!
Oh, boo.
Boo it up, DOs. In the back.
Doctors of osteopathic medicine
hate that joke.
So MDs and DOs,
they're basically the same.
They're both good doctors.
The only thing is
a DO's sense of humor stops
at their MCAT score.
You see those seats? Way back there?
Those are the DO seats.
These are the MD seats.
Do you know what the difference is?
It's five points on your MCAT, okay?
So this dude is all up in my merchandise.
He's like, "Bro, I know what's wrong."
I'm like, "Stop saying 'bro.'"
He's like, "Son, oh...
you got too much blood down there.
It's lowering your sperm count.
So we're gonna do a dangerous surgery
called varicocele repair.
But don't worry.
I'll be doing the surgery."
I go, "Arjun, I'm very worried."
You're in a lab coat and Jordans.
Still pulls out a trimmer. He goes,
"Let me shave you right now."
"Let's do this right here, right now."
I go, "Arjun, back up. I'm not ready."
He goes, "Listen, man.
If you don't get this surgery,
you can't have kids.
Ever."
I go, "Are you serious?
Me and Beena, we can't have kids?
Like, you're telling me
we can't start a family?"
See, that's the crazy thing
they never tell you about adulthood.
Life gets very real
when "don't want" becomes "can't have."
Isn't that right, DOs?
I don't think anybody should feel bad if
they get diagnosed with a mental illness.
'Cause it's just information about you
that helps you know
how to take better care of yourself.
Yeah.
Being bipolar...
There's nothing wrong with it.
Being bipolar is like
not knowing how to swim.
It might be embarrassing to tell people,
and it might be hard
to take you certain places.
But they have arm floaties.
And if you just take your arm floaties...
you can go wherever the hell you want.
And I know some of you are like,
"But, Taylor, what if people judge me
for taking arm floaties?"
Well, those people don't care
if you live or die,
so maybe who cares?
Maybe fuck those people a little.
I don't know.
That being said,
you have to take your arm floaties.
Because it's not cool
to know you can't swim,
go to the public pool anyway
and jump into the deep end,
making it everyone else's problem.
You're thrashing around going, "I'm good."
They're like, "You literally drowning."
And then someone nice
and handsome jumps in to help you,
and you're like,
"See, I'm fine. I can totally swim."
And they're like,
"No, you're holding him underwater.
You turned Kevin into an arm floaty,
and that's not a fair relationship
for Kevin."
Then someone floats by you on their back
and you're like, "What was that?"
And they're like, "Oh, that's someone
whose parents supported them in the pool...
until they could be trusted not to die.
Here are your arm floaties."
After leaving a, uh...
a taco stand one night,
I, uh... I realized that a lot of people
needed to step out of their comfort zones
in order to find alternative ways
of making ends meet.
I made the mistake one night of assuming
the guy working the stand was Mexican.
He wasn't.
I even spoke Spanish
to him, which is a no-no.
The rule is, when engaging a brown person,
you must speak English to them first,
and then if there's a language barrier,
then you go to plan B,
high school Spanish.
You start off in English.
"Hello, sir, may I..."
Oh, hold on. I got this. I got this.
Hola.
So I walked up to this guy at the stand,
and I was like...
You know, he reminded me of a to.
So I was like, you know...
Which is like,
"Hello, friend. How are you?"
And he responded...
..."What are you saying to me?"
"I'm sorry, sir.
I thought you were Mexican."
"No, no. I am not Mexican.
I am not Mexican.
I am Greek."
Greek?
Shit, I was way off.
"I'm sorry, bro. It's late, I'm tired.
Can I have two tacos?"
"What you mean, 'Can I have two tacos?'
I just finished tell you I am not Mexican.
I am Greek.
I do not sell taco.
I sell gyro."
Gyro?
Then I remembered seeing writing
on the front of the cart,
and I just thought it was
the guy's name or something, right?
I was like, "It spells it out. G-Y-R-O.
It's a gyro."
He got all pissy.
"It is not a gyro. It is gyro."
"That shit says 'gyro.'"
"It is gyro!"
"Bro, I'm tired. It's late.
What is a gyro?"
"It's like a taco."
I found out, y'all. I'm not butch.
Yeah.
I am not butch, which is shocking, I know,
'cause I have these broad shoulders
and my favorite color is plaid.
But this is a preview
to a whole different movie
than what you think you're about to watch.
As they say,
the carpet does not match the drapes.
Two things that I do not know
how to install.
I look very handy, though.
I do. I look handy.
If you saw me
and your car was broken down,
you might assume I could fix your car.
I got that look about me.
'Cause that is what a butch lady can do.
She can literally put your car
on her back...
...and walk it to a service station.
She can actually just spit
in your gas tank...
...and your car will start.
Oh, magical, but that is not me.
And men are the most mystified
by this information.
They come up to me constantly
at, like, a Home Depot
because they assume I work there.
They're like, "Uh, what's up, dude? Um...
Where are the nails?"
I'm like, "Ooh, I'm here
for a potted plant."
"I do know they sell M&M's
at the checkout."
Ain't nobody got no COVID
in here, do they? Shit.
- No.
- Uh-uh, my ass.
Little fake COVID card motherfuckers.
Yeah, COVID is some bullshit, man,
you know.
Fuckers talking about, "Take the shot."
I'm... You know...
I don't know what the fuck to do.
That shit is...
They're trying to scare you with the shit.
"Go ahead and take it. We got a pill now."
I went on and got it. I said, "Fuck it."
I went on and got the motherfucking shit.
Yeah, I went on and got it.
When they started talking about
cutting my shit off Netflix,
I said, "Here, where you wanna hit it at?
Put it..."
I said, "Hit me in the ass with it.
Hit me."
I thought I had it. I did.
I thought I had it.
I went to the doctor.
He said, "That ain't what I said."
I said, "What did you say?"
He said, "I told you you tested positive
for cocaine on the 19th."
I said, "I didn't hear you. I didn't know
what you said. All I heard was 19."
See, niggas don't wanna take the shot.
The best way to get niggas
to take that shot is put it in flavors.
That motherfucker poppin'.
That pineapple Moderna, nigga?
Shit.
That watermelon Pfizer?
"Look it here, man.
I'm on my ninth shot, man.
You know they got the mango
coming out next month, man."
My problem with guns is
I don't buy either side's arguments
completely, right?
So, the conservative argument is
that guns were written in the constitution
because the founding fathers thought
if all the citizens have guns,
the government will have to do what
they say or else the people will rise up
and fight the government, right?
Which is a legitimately great idea
in the 1700s,
but the problem is
there's still people now hoarding weapons
thinking that at some point they may need
to take on the American military,
and they think they have a shot, right?
And look, maybe they're right,
which is why I'm proposing
we test their theory
and once a year have
a head-to-head shoot-up.
Say, a... a hundred members of the NRA
versus, I don't know,
two members of the military.
Broadcast it on Fox, Christmas Day.
Like, "Merry Christmas, and welcome
to the 2022 NRA-military showdown.
Let's go down to the field of battle
and meet one of our NRA combatants.
Sir, what's your name?
What kind of weapon you working with?"
He's like, "My name's Andy Baker,
and I got a AR15,
wearing Kevlar head to toe."
"Andy, how confident are you,
scale of one to ten?"
"Fucking a million."
"We're gonna check in
with the military real quick."
They cut to one guy by himself
in a bunker, and he's like,
"My name's
Staff Sergeant Jeremiah Walker."
"Jeremiah, what kind of weapon
are you working with?"
He's like, "I don't know if this is fair,
but I'm working with a drone.
Yeah, it's equipped with eight Hellfire
missiles and a high-powered camera.
As you can see on this monitor here,
the NRA fellows are actually
in just one big cluster.
So, uh... I'm gonna...
Have we started? All right.
All right, yeah, so I'm gonna hit
this button right here.
Yeah, now they're all dead."
"That'll do it
for this year's NRA-military showdown...
...brought to you by Whole Foods."
The bigger your boobs are,
the uglier that bra is.
There's some truth for you. Yeah.
If you're working with
anything over a C cup, I got you.
I know that pain.
I know how hideous our bras are, okay?
So you are my people. Anything...
And I know, people are like,
"You've got big boobs. Is that hard?"
It fucking is. Okay?
They gaslight you. That's right.
There's where all the big tits are. Yeah.
The world wants you
to have giant knockers,
and then when you do, they give you
no infrastructure to support them.
All we want are cute bras.
Instead, they're like,
"Here's a Soviet-era wind sock.
Just-Just strap it on and help plow.
Just do it."
You never got to wear the cute bras.
Remember when you were a teenager
and your girlfriends...
By the way, if you have smaller breasts,
if you got an A cup or a B cup,
like, this is size-inclusive,
but you don't know.
You don't know what it was like
being friends with you
and all your girlfriends are like,
"Let's go to the mall." Remember malls?
And you'd go, and they...
"Let's go get cute bras at Abercrombie."
Remember Abercrombie?
And you'd go with them.
They're running forward,
and you're carrying around
your grown-woman divorce chest
like, "Wait for me.
I can't run. I'm not wearing
two sports bras. I'm coming."
They're all trying on cute bras,
playing slap tickle.
You're just sitting there eating a slice
from Sbarro, like, "I'll be here.
My mom's getting me at two.
I'll just be here."
They'd have the cutest bras.
I always wanted the cute bras.
None for you.
They'd come out cute. "Look at this one.
It's made of moose felt.
So bucolic.
Look at this one, it's got hearts on it.
This one's got little kisses on it.
I'm a child. Isn't this so cute?
This one's got feathers.
This one's just two contact lenses
and dental floss.
Bouncy."
Not me!
Not me and every other big-breasted girl.
We were getting hauled
to some back-alley discount van
where some Eastern European woman
named Loretta is gonna hand-fit you,
scoop each breast
into its own personal hurt locker
and jiggle your tits around
in front of your mother!
You're just sitting there.
You've never even made out with a boy.
She's just grabbing at you like,
"How does this feel?"
You're like,
"I'm kinda turned on. I don't know."
I'm a little bit late
to the self-care game.
I... I just started using
enough body lotion.
You know what I mean?
To really moisturize the whole body.
It's a lot of lotion.
I always cheated myself.
I didn't think I deserved that much.
I always gave myself a modest amount,
started lotioning from the top down,
so my legs paid the price.
Then I joined Costco.
Changed my life.
Costco lotion is a great value.
Comes in a big old container.
Usually has a convenient pump
on top, right?
The only issue is,
about two-thirds into the bottle,
the technology collapses.
Oh, no.
A lot of lotion left,
but you can't access it via the pump.
The pump is dead.
At that point you gotta unscrew the top
and use the pump like a dipstick.
I don't like that.
Going from pumping to dipping,
that's a humbling transition.
You know? 'Cause when I'm pumping,
I feel carefree. I feel rich. I'm like...
"Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
Keep the change."
When I'm dipping, it's like, "Oh...
I'm an intelligent animal.
I can use tool."
You know, you gotta twist and pull
at the same time.
It's like buttering toast
with a chopstick.
I got body lotion. I got face lotion.
I stepped up my game. I got eye cream.
That's next-level, you know?
Eye cream is serious
'cause eye cream costs more.
More than any other lotion you ever bought
in your whole life.
But it comes in the tiniest container.
You have to justify
this precious purchase.
You only apply the eye cream
with your ring finger.
The softest finger, right?
'Cause it's the laziest finger.
Your ring finger, it don't pick,
it don't point, it don't cuss.
It's... It's only...
Your ring finger is only good
for making one promise
and eye cream.
Which you apply
in a gentle, dabbing motion
with your mouth slightly open like...
"This better work.
So expensive."
Now as an adult, though,
I speak three languages.
I speak Spanish, English and Caucasian.
Now, Caucasian is like English,
but I have to use fancy words
I don't normally use,
like "organic" and "deductible."
Let me give you an example.
Like, in my everyday life,
when my friends mess up,
I'm like, "Bitch, you fucked up."
But in Caucasian, I'm like,
"Ma'am, that is unacceptable."
See? A little right there? A little...
"I will fuck you up."
"Let me speak to the manager."
See?
When my mom pees, she doesn't wipe.
Ooh, I heard a woman right there go, "Ew."
Look, she's covering her mouth,
and she waved.
Look, right there in the jeans.
Jean jacket, she went, "Ugh!"
Like it was a... Like, "Oh, my God."
And then she went like this,
"That was me. That's... Ew."
Look at her.
I'm gonna tell you why. What's your name?
- Eileen.
- Eileen.
Let me tell you why she doesn't use paper.
All right, Eileen?
Because she washes it with water.
So ew you, bitch.
Don't you ever disrespect my mom's pussy.
It's the cleanest pussy in Los Ang...
She calls it a tab.
It's a cup.
There's a lot of people in here going,
"What's a tab?"
Especially the ones that aren't Filipino.
I'ma tell you what a tab is.
A tab can be anything.
A coffee mug with a broken handle.
An empty I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!
container.
Or my mom's favorite,
a Super Big Gulp cup.
"Because it holds
44 ounces of water, Joseph.
I can really clean it, huh?"
And my mom's tab sits
in the same spot it always sat in
since the day she moved to this country.
Between the...
Between the shower and the toilet.
That little area right there
is called tab lane.
And that's
where my mom's special cup sits.
And I know there's a lot of guys in here
that aren't Filipino going,
"Why are you telling us this, Jo Koy?"
Well, I'll tell you why.
Say you start dating a Filipino chick
and things go well.
You hook up one night,
and you stay the night at her house.
You wake up, brush your teeth,
and you're like, "I need a cup."
Don't use that fucking cup.
That cup is not for your mouth.
Anytime my wife and I go out,
when we go back to the house,
she's always shocked
how fast I get into bed, all right?
I don't know what you people do
after a night out,
but I go home, I brush my teeth,
take my clothes... And boom.
Right in bed.
There's no washing the face.
I just washed it two hours ago.
What? I'm gonna take a... a sink bath
after going out for an hour and a half?
My wife always walks in the bedroom,
"Oh, my God. You're in bed already?"
"Yeah. It's nighttime.
What did you think I was gonna do?
Cut the lawn?
Get in. Get in."
I don't know what she does
in that bathroom.
The noises that are coming out of there.
The water...
She comes out rolling her face
with some spiked roller.
I go, "Is that... You're bleeding.
Is that helping you?
My mother uses that to make pasta.
Why are you using that on your forehead?"
Then she puts some Korean mask on.
You ever see the m...
As soon as you see the mask, you're like,
"No sex tonight. There goes that."
I'm gonna make love to a hockey goalie?
"Just blink, babe,
so I know you're enjoying this.
You under that thing?"
White schools do not celebrate
Black History Month
the same way Black schools do.
Mm-mmm.
White schools celebrate
Black History Month
according to how many Black kids
is at the school.
So if it's four niggas, it's four days.
Let's just say,
at my kids' fucking school,
Spirit Week lasts longer
than Black History Month.
And the few white people I see here,
I don't know if you know how important
Black History Month is to us,
but we used to go all-out for that shit,
didn't we, Black people?
You had to dress up as a Black hero
and be that fucking Black hero
for 30 fucking days.
Now I know what you're thinking.
"Ms. Pat, it's only 28 days."
Fuck you, we took them two days back.
So let me give you an example.
If your child chose to be Harriet Tubman,
your child had to be
Harriet fucking Tubman.
Your child had to be smart,
be able to lead, be good at hide-and-seek...
and be able to pistol-whip a nigga.
And have a strong-ass face.
Niggas, don't play with me.
You know Harriet wasn't fucking cute.
You know good and damn well
Harriet looked like her uncle.
Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying
I don't appreciate Harriet, 'cause I do.
'Cause without Harriet, I'd be sucking
some white dude dick against my will.
Y'all act like y'all would fuck Harriet.
Ain't a nigga here that'd fuck Harriet.
Would you fuck Harriet?
You a girl. I'm sorry.
You probably would fuck Harriet, but...
I'm sorry, I didn't see you.
My glasses ain't on.
You probably would
eat the shit out of her, but I'm sorry.
Ah, anything to be free,
ain't that right, bitch?
Eat your way straight out of master house.
Someone tried to hug me today.
I mean, I sound like a dick,
but this older woman was very sweet,
and she saw me, and we both froze,
and she goes, "Oh, no. Wait a second.
No. Are you someone?"
And I go, "Yes, I am."
And she goes, "Give me a hug."
I go, "Oh, no."
Not because I don't like it.
It's just I'm terrified.
You know what I mean?
Who's hugging still?
I go, "Maybe I could just
get away with a fist bump."
She goes, "Nope. Come here. I'm a hugger."
She did this eight-foot wingspan,
and she came in for the kill.
And I gave up. I said, "All right,
bring it in. Let's both die. Come on."
Because I don't know what's going on.
Is she sick? I don't...
But that's how paranoid I am.
And by the way, the old "I'm a hugger,"
can we get rid of that?
I mean, it's not working anymore.
"I'm a hugger" and that's it?
No questions asked?
That shouldn't work anymore
for obvious reasons,
and it definitely doesn't work with guys
for probably a hundred reasons.
I mean, my uncle was like that.
"Come on. Come here. I'm an ass-grabber.
Get in here. Give me that juicy ass.
No, it's okay. I'm just an ass-grabber.
Don't be weird about it.
No, I grab asses, and I like it."
"No, we understand that part."
"I'm an old-school guy.
It's part of my charm.
I'm a camel toe grazer,
and that's what I do.
Just a little bit on the knuckles.
I don't even feel it.
I have no nerve endings.
You can't get mad.
Ask my family. I've been doing it forever.
I like to bump a biscuit now and then,
and everyone's been cool with it.
I don't wanna change.
Don't be so woke. Come on."
I went to England,
and I went to a dog show.
We were filming something, obviously,
'cause I would never seriously
go to a dog show.
And I saw a Bernese Mountain Dog.
I had never seen this type of dog before.
I was like, "Oh, my God.
This is like something
I'd conjure up in my best dream."
They're perfect.
They're black and brown and white.
And they're lazy, you know?
They don't wanna do anything. I was like...
You can tell in their eyes
that they just have no gumption.
You're like...
I was like, I want that dog.
I came home. I told my assistant, Tanner.
I said, "You need to get me
a Bernese Mountain Dog."
But when you're a celebrity,
you cannot buy a dog.
You have to rescue all of your animals.
Otherwise, PETA will burn your house down.
So I told my assistant, Tanner,
"You need to find me
a used Bernese Mountain Dog."
And two weeks later, this seven-pound,
two-week-old Bernese Mountain Dog
traipsed into my life,
and I couldn't believe it.
I named him Gary right away.
But I hadn't thought it through
because puppies are energetic.
They wanna play. That's all they wanna do.
And their teeth are sharp,
and they jump on everything,
and they're annoying.
And my two other dogs met Gary.
Within two hours, they went upstairs
to the second floor
and didn't come down for two weeks.
One of them texted me and said,
"Let us know when Gary's gone."
Within 48 hours,
Gary had eaten two of my sofas.
Not even my cushions. The entire sofa.
I was like, "Oh, my God, what is"...
We had to remove
all of the downstairs furniture.
I was basically living
in an empty warehouse,
wearing a miner's lamp and kneepads,
waiting for the next altercation.
On day four,
I found a dead owl in my backyard.
I didn't even know owls were real.
I thought they were from Game of Thrones.
One of my dreams came true. I got to go
to Switzerland for the first time.
One of my dreams.
If you don't know, I'll tell you
why it was such a big dream of mine.
My mother is a Black woman, Xhosa woman,
from South Africa.
I grew up in South Africa, right?
My dad is a Swiss man from Switzerland.
White man, right?
And so, I never got to go to Switzerland.
When I got the chance, I never really
made the time, then I couldn't go.
And then finally, now,
we went to Switzerland for the first time.
And it was liberating, you know?
'Cause here's the thing.
My whole life, my whole life,
I have always felt like
my dad didn't really love me, okay?
And then now,
when I went and met him in Switzerland,
I was like, "No.
He's just Swiss."
They're all like that!
It was a bit weird though.
I tried to surprise him, though.
I tried to surprise him
by learning German.
We hadn't seen each other for a while,
and because he speaks German,
I thought I was gonna surprise him
on the trip, you know?
I went on Duolingo,
did a bunch of studying,
and I got to Germany, got over there
and practiced, the whole thing,
got to Switzerland
and was like, "This is it."
I was ready,
like, "I'm gonna surprise my dad."
I planned to get to his house,
knock on the door.
He was gonna open it
and be surprised like, "Trevor!"
Then I would be like,
"Papa! Ich sprechen Deutsch!"
He was gonna be like...
And be like...
It was gonna be a whole thing.
I had it all planned out.
Didn't go according to plan.
I got there.
He was surprised. He was happy.
But as soon as I spoke, like,
"Papa! Ich sprechen Deutsch!"
He was like, "Don't do that.
Don't do that, huh?
No. Don't do that. No."
It's a different world now, man.
It's a different world, isn't it?
Cruise ships? You'll never see
a cruise ship again. Kiss that goodbye.
Our grandkids won't know what a buffet is.
Oh...
Fuck, COVID changed everything.
First off, every cruise ship is booked
up to the year 2026.
People cannot wait
to get aboard the plague barge
and sail the bounding main.
"Oh, let me die near a waterslide!"
Not only are buffets gonna come back,
they're gonna come back with this weird,
"own the libs" vengeance to 'em.
Every single one's gonna have an agenda.
"Come on down to Captain COVID's
Alpha-Males-Only Buffet.
You the kind of left-wing soy boy
that needs a sneeze guard
over your clam chowder?
Or are you able to fuck your wife?
Then come on down to Captain COVID's.
You show us proof
you ain't been vaccinated,
you get a free platter
of room-temperature scallops.
That's right."
Cancel me.
Tell Twitter I told you to say the N-word.
Do it. Cancel me. Cancel me.
If you really think
you have the ability to cancel me,
sitting in your underwear at home,
on your fucking phone, do it.
Cancel me. Cancel me.
I left three countries
with free health care and no guns.
I moved to America in 2015
already prepared to die.
You think MAGA idiots,
Asian hate, uncontrolled COVID,
Twitter people scare me?
Do it. Cancel me. Cancel me.
What are you gonna do? Cancel me
so I have to go back to Malaysia?
Where I'm a national hero?
And the currency advantage
is very much in my favor?
Oh, no!
How will I ever survive?
Do it. Do it.
Free me from this hell.
Welcome to my show.
It's not a show.
There's no dancers or jugglers.
It's basically a bloke talking.
Which is essentially what stand-up comedy
is, isn't it? A bloke talking.
Sexist. Um...
What about all the funny female comedians?
Like, um...
No. No, no. Right.
No, no, no, no.
I'm not doing that. Okay, right.
That was irony, okay?
There's gonna be a bit of that throughout
the show. See if you can spot it.
Now, that's when I say something
I don't really mean for comic effect,
and you, as an audience,
you laugh at the wrong thing
'cause you know what the right thing is.
It's a way of satirizing attitudes.
Like that first joke.
I used the old-fashioned,
sexist trope that women aren't funny.
Now, in real life,
I know there are loads of funny women.
Like, um...
I did it again. Well spotted. Good.
No, but there are.
Dame Edna Everage. She's...
Uh...
Eddie Izzard.
She's brilliant, isn't she?
She's not only a great comedienne,
she's also a great actress. Isn't she?
She was brilliant
in that thing as that man, wasn't she?
And upgrade your sex toys, goddamn it.
Some of y'all's sex toys
are older than your kids.
Got that same rabbit and tongue,
wand, bullet.
It ain't even a bullet no more.
It's a slingshot and shit.
Upgrade your shit.
There's some new shit out there
right now called "Tracy's Dog."
Those testimonial hollers right there.
Shando, let him use you, sister. Go ahead.
Tracy's Dog.
This motherfucker is serious, you hear me?
It's only 50 motherfucking dollars, yo.
My son's mother, she said, "I can't keep
that motherfucker in the house
'cause I ain't getting shit done
with it in there.
I can't get shit done
with that motherfucker in there."
And this motherfucker 50 fucking dollars,
you hear me?
And it's this U-shaped device, right?
This part go in and vibrating,
then it curve around to the top.
And on top is the sucking mechanism
that go right on the clit.
All it do is suck. Just...
Ten speeds of sucking
on this motherfucker.
This bitch will collapse your forehead,
I promise you.
It's serious.
Now, go ahead. Put it in your phone.
Go ahead.
No, go ahead before you forget.
Put it in your...
Don't worry about who looking at you.
Put it in your phone.
You old women, put it...
You know your mind ain't
like it used to be.
Go ahead.
Put it in your phone before you forget it.
Sitting there,
trying to remember that shit.
"He's so silly.
"Tracy's Dog. Tracy's Dog.
Tracy's Dog. Tracy's Dog.
Tracy's Dog. Tracy's Dog.
Okay, I know a bitch.
She named Tracy. She got a dog.
It's Tracy's...
Okay, Tracy's... Tracy's Dog."
You putting tape over your camera
on your computer, sir?
You are? I knew it.
Putting tape over your computer camera,
you're like,
"Russia's not gonna see this dick."
"They don't deserve to see
this V-neck and this dick."
You deleting your cookies?
You don't know? You're not sure?
That means, "Yes. Every 20 seconds."
All the guys in my office are like,
"We need a program
that deletes all our cookies."
I'm like, "How much weird-ass porn
are you watching?"
Where's our homey? Where's 65?
Where's our guy? Did he pass on?
Okay, there he is.
Listen to me. They...
If you can hear me, listen.
They watch all the porn on the Internet,
and then they complain
that it doesn't get deleted fast enough.
They have to delete cookies.
Do you have any idea what he had to do
when he wanted to see a pair of titties?
He had to drive into town,
look for a newsstand.
He had to look a grown man in the eye
and say, "I would like
a Big Beaver magazine, please."
His cookies was a human man
who he could run into
at the grocery store or church, whenever.
He never knew.
If he wanted to delete his cookies,
he had to kill his friend.
I saw an article the other day that said
the movie Snow White is now problematic.
And it's like, all right.
Look, if a movie is 75-plus years old,
let's just assume there's a few problems
and go about our day.
We don't need a think piece every time.
But of course, I read the article,
and it said,
"Look, the movie is problematic
because he kisses her and she's sleeping.
There's no consent."
And I was like, "All right. But it was
a quick kiss, and it saved her life."
It's not... It's not like he's making out
with her while jacking off,
and the dwarves are filming.
It was pretty tastefully done, huh?
I don't think that movie has ever inspired
a sexual assault.
I don't think there's a dude in prison
right now, like, "Disney lied."
If you pass out
and you get kissed by a prince,
it's not... it's not exactly
the worst-case scenario, you know?
I'm not saying it's okay, but that's...
If you're unconscious, that is most likely
not who's gonna kiss you.
Maybe Prince Andrew,
but normally, you know, it's...
Right? Okay.
Is the canceling real anymore?
I don't know.
Cut to me in a basement in two years,
like, "It's real. It's... It's very real."
But some of it seems ridiculous.
Like Dr. Seuss last year.
They were like, "He's canceled."
I was like,
"I'm pretty sure he's dead. I don't know...
He's not frantically checking
his Twitter right now."
I saw one that said,
"Dr. Seuss is under fire."
I was like, "He's underground.
He's not... He's not with us anymore."
I guess he had some racist stuff in some
of the lesser-known children's books.
Of course,
Tucker Carlson comes on the news like,
"They're coming for Seuss.
It's Seuss today.
It could be any of us tomorrow.
You need to pick a side
in the Seuss wars."
There were people spending
thousands of dollars
on the racist Dr. Seuss books
for I don't know what occasion.
I don't know when you break those out.
"Daddy, will you read me Cat in the Hat?"
He's like, "Nah, I got the good shit."
We're gonna do
a little Jew in the Zoo tonight. That's...
The one that broke my heart
more than anything
was when we lost Aretha Franklin,
the Queen of Soul.
Tried to pay my respects
and watch the funeral,
but that funeral was so long.
I kept hollering at the TV, "Let her go."
She's supposed to be with the Lord.
That funeral was so long,
they turned off my cable.
I said, "This funeral
done went through two billing cycles."
They call me,
"Why ain't you paying your bill?"
I said, "I'm still at the funeral."
Let her go.
I never seen
a pastor preach the whole Bible.
This nigga didn't miss a scripture.
I knew we were gonna be there a long time
'cause the nigga come out talking about,
"In the beginning..."
I said, "The beginning?"
What do Adam and Eve got to do
with a funeral?
Let her go.
She's supposed to be with the Lord.
CNN was there.
They was unplugging their shit.
"Come on. Let's get the fuck out of here."
We've been here for three weeks.
Don Lemon supposed to be on TV right now.
I kept hollering at the TV, "Let her go!"
I knew it was long
when Aretha got up to change dresses.
"I'm gonna wear something different
in the second half of the funeral."
I said, "The second half?
Who has a halftime at a funeral?"
Let her go.
She's supposed to be with the Lord.
That funeral was so long, nigga,
they held her in Detroit so long,
by the time she finally did make it
to the Pearly Gates to get into heaven,
an angel came to the door
and said, "God gone."
You supposed to been here three weeks ago.
He touched you on the third.
It's the 21st.
I know you the queen, but he the king.
You just can't have
the Lord just waiting for you, Aretha.
This is no kind of respect.
Florida's got a new bill.
People call it the Don't Say Gay bill.
One of the provisions
in this bill that they dropped
was that teachers were gonna have to
out kids as gay
to their parents within six months.
Which is horrible but hilarious.
When you think of the calls
the teachers would have to make...
"Hey, Mr. Morris. How are you? Yeah.
I'm Todd's English teacher.
Yeah, he's doing great. No, no problems.
He's doing great.
He is very close with another boy though.
They laugh a lot.
They take the bus together.
Oh, that's his brother?
Okay. No, nothing. Nothing, uh...
Nothing at all.
How are you? Are you good?
Yeah, I'm just checking up on everybody."
I would call. I'd give it no context.
"Hey, Mrs. Miller.
Your daughter's a les."
Let them figure it out.
You know?
It also makes teachers look horrible,
you know?
"I watched your son jerk off
with his friend. I think they're gay.
No, I did. I... I filmed it.
I knew you wouldn't believe me.
Do you want to see it? It's my job.
No, it's my job. I'm a teacher."
I'm so sick of motherfuckers
talking shit about Joe Biden.
"Joe need to get his shit together."
"You need to wake up, Joe."
"Go Brandon, Joe."
The fuck is wrong with you people?
Who raised you?
Joe Biden is
96 motherfucking years old, bitch.
You gave pawpaw the job, bitch.
You gave great-granddaddy the job, bitch.
Now you want
big daddy to get his shit together?
Joe Biden is doing the best
he motherfucking can.
That man is 97 years old.
People talking shit about Joe Biden.
"I don't like
the way he left Afghanistan."
Bitch, how the fuck do you think
a 98-year-old man leave a fight?
Quickly and quietly, bitch.
Joe Biden left Afghanistan like this.
Joe is doing the best he fucking can.
Give him a fucking break.
Joe is 99 goddamn years...
If you lucky enough
to have a great-granddaddy,
call him up right now on the phone
and ask him is he ready to do
12 press conferences tomorrow, bitch.
No, he is not.
I mean, does anyone here
look in the mirror
and feel good about what they see?
- No.
- Yeah.
Yeah. There's usually one guy and Lizzo.
You know?
And I get it with Lizzo.
She plays the flute.
It's very sexy. It's cool.
But who's that guy? I mean,
you know those guys that are just like...
Like, the sun is always in their eyes,
you know what I mean?
Always touching their chests, you know?
I'm like, what is the...
What is his morning like?
You know? Does he look in the mirror,
and he's just like...
"Fucking nailed it.
All right. Let's start the day, Jake."
That is not what my morning is like, okay?
I do everything in my power
to be as attractive as possible.
And tonight, that's to look like one of
Christopher from The Sopranos' friends.
"How you doing?
Hey, Chris, are you gonna talk
to your uncle Tony for me?"
I do everything in my power,
and then I look in the mirror.
And the voice that I hear
when I look in the mirror
is like an English bully.
You know, he's just like...
..."Look at you.
You fat fucking iguana."
The voice I hear might be
British action star Jason Statham.
"Why are you
so red when you get out the shower?"
"Cause I have eczema."
"Yeah, you got eczemas, don't you?
And what makes the eczema flare up?"
"Dairy."
"You're still
eating lots of ice creams, aren't you?"
"Yeah."
"And tree nuts."
"Yeah, I'm not supposed to eat cashew..."
"Yeah, you're
not supposed to eat cashews, are you?
- What are you gonna do about it?"
- "I guess I should go..."
"To the chemist?"
"We call it a pharmacy."
"Yeah, I bet you fucking do.
Why don't you go down to the pharmacy
and get your fragrance-free moisturizers
and get your jumbo pack
of children's melatonin?"
"'The regular..."
"'Cause the regular stuff
makes you groggy in the morning,
doesn't it?
And then you walk out of the pharmacy,
- and what did you forg..."
- "I forgot my eczema..."
"Yeah, you forgot your eczema creams!
So why don't you get the fuck out of here,
you fat, forgetful,
amphibious, red, rashy,
pathetic, Semitic fucking nobody?"
And then I look in the mirror
and I'm like, "Let's start the day."
They wanted a dog. I don't want no dog.
You understand?
First of all, dogs got different lives
than they had when I came up.
Understand? I don't dig...
You new dog owners, y'all doing too much.
I'm telling you that right now.
You got 'em in the grocery store,
you walking around with 'em and shit
in little bags.
I flew here first-class
with a poodle next to me,
looking at me like,
"What the fuck you doing here?"
No, bitch, what the fuck you doing here?
Y'all got your mouth in their mouth.
"Oh, my God, I love you so much."
But you won't get the vaccine.
But this right here...
But this, "I don't want that in my body!
But my dog,
who's been licking his balls all day..."
Get the fuck out of here.
I was like, "Why did I want a dog?"
You know what I mean?
Like, I had a dog coming up.
And then it hit me.
I went, "I had a dog coming up.
And it was horrible."
One of my biggest childhood pains
is connected to one of my dogs
when I grew up.
I grew up here in Cleveland, Ohio.
I'll never forget. I was about eight.
And I was standing in the doorway,
dog was outside on the tree lawn peeing.
Outside, a car pulls up, opens the door,
grabs the dog, drives away.
I said, "What?"
I said, "Dad, they got the dog!"
This is all my father had to give me
in this horrible moment in my life.
He went, "Aw!
All right, come on in the house."
I said, "Wait a minute!"
I was like, "You're not gonna do shit?"
Now he's mad at me.
"What the fuck you want me to do?
The dog is gone."
I said, "Goddamn. We're not supposed
to care about these dogs!"
For years this haunted me.
And I came up at a time where you didn't
talk to your parents about your feelings.
You just processed that shit through
your own little eight-year-old mind.
And for years,
I would run that through my head.
Like, you know, I understand why
he came out and looked that way.
Because that's the way they drove off.
But what the fuck
you looking back here for?
Like you thought they're gonna
go around the block with the car
and come back with the dog?
"There you go.
I was fucking with you. There's your dog."
Look at Ice Cube.
Ice Cube doesn't wanna get the vaccine.
He was supposed to do
this movie called Oh Hell No,
which, sadly, we'll never see. And...
He was supposed to get the vaccine,
and he wouldn't do it.
But you know what's weird?
A few months before the pandemic,
Ice Cube got a colonoscopy.
You know what a colonoscopy is?
Basically, Ice Cube went to the doctor.
The doctor was like,
"You got a problem in your stomach,
and we need to do a colonoscopy."
And he was like, "What's that?"
And they're like,
"Uh, well, sit down, Ice Cube.
Basically, you need to drink
a gallon of fluid
and just shit out everything in your body.
Just clean out your system, right?
Next day, you come in,
we'll put you under,
and we'll shove a rubber hose
up your asshole
that's got a camera on the end of it.
We'll go in there, film for a few hours,
and see what's going on.
And we'll run some tests,
and when we're done, we'll wake you up."
And he was like, "All right.
Well, do what you gotta do."
He didn't say any of the shit
he's saying now.
He wasn't like out there like,
"I gotta understand the science."
He wasn't out there like,
"My butthole, my rights." No.
He was passed out
with four strangers around him.
They were like,
"We're having a little trouble."
He's like, "You can do it.
Put your back into it."
They... They were in there for hours.
For hours.
What were they doing?
Filming a limited series?
Does season 2 of Queen's Gambit
take place in Ice Cube's large intestine?
I don't know
if Ice Cube's had a colonoscopy. Uh...
But... he's...
He's over 45 years old.
He should have had one.
It's... It's a screening colonoscopy.
It's to make sure
you don't have colon cancer.
So, let's hope my joke is true.
I am breaking the cycle
of generational trauma.
And it's a lot of work, okay?
So, here's what I've done so far.
So, it's like a decade in therapy.
And then every day, okay,
I wake up, I practice my gratitude,
and then I drink my coffee, I take a shit.
I exercise because the endorphins
from exercise help fight depression.
And then I adhere to a low-carbohydrate,
high-protein diet,
I meditate twice a day,
I feel all my dumb feelings...
...and I am still so fucked up.
Like, I'm...
I'm so fucking crazy.
Thank you. Mmm.
Woo!
But...
But I'm trying, and I'm in the game.
And I'm gonna do it, man.
I'm gonna do it. Yeah.
Yeah, 'cause my childhood was wacky, like...
Well, put it this way. Like, growing up,
I couldn't understand, like...
I couldn't understand those people
who lived at home in their twenties.
You know, like, dude,
I wanted out at six, bro.
I was like,
"Where's my letter to Hogwarts?
Get me the fuck out of this."
You know, I would have rather lived
with those bitches from The Facts of Life
and get scissored by that lesbo Jo.
Remember Jo?
You guys know Jo was a lesbo, right?
Yeah, 'cause she had a ponytail...
- and she was a...
- ...mechanic.
A pussy mechanic, am I right? Yeah!
My son's really good at basketball.
He has a nice jump shot.
He always wants to play one-on-one
with me, but it leaves my daughter out.
She has nothing to do.
So one day I hand her a little ball.
I say, "Sweetie,
you play with this ball here.
When me and your brother are done,
I'll play with you."
We start playing. She drops the ball.
It rolls into our game, disrupts us.
We have to stop.
My son's already in a bad mood,
and he loses his shit.
Right, he picks up the ball up,
and he's going, "No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no."
And I go,
"Whoa, buddy, what are you doing?
What are you gonna do?
Throw the ball at your sister?"
He goes, "I'm tired of this, Dad."
I go, "Buddy, you're 12.
You're not tired of shit, okay?
I'm tired. I'm tired.
Me and your mother might get divorced
from what happened at breakfast, okay?
There's gonna be another guy named Phil
living here in six months.
Give her the ball back."
And my daughter's going,
"Lucas, can I have the ball?" Right?
And I go, "Do the right thing
and hand it to her. Hand it." Right?
And in anger and disgust,
he bounced it at her hard.
Hits her nose and lip, splits her lip.
She's bleeding, screaming, crying.
And it is an absolute shit show.
So now I need to console my little girl
and scold my boy at the same time.
I'm going, "Sweetie, I'm so sorry.
We're gonna clean that up.
What are you, nuts? She's bleeding
and crying 'cause of your attitude.
I hope you feel good about that.
I'm so sorry. Give me one second.
You wanna play one-on-one?
We're gonna play right now, me and you.
You wanna play like that with your sister?
My ball first. My house."
So I back him to the hole hard.
Back him to the hole hard.
Layup. One-nothing. Let's go.
Make it, take it. My house. Respect.
I get it again. Boom.
Ten-footer. Nothing but net. Swish.
I go, "You get your shot from me.
Let's go."
Now he starts getting amped up.
Guys, on the third possession,
my son legitimately steals the ball
from me.
I tried to get it behind my back.
He steals it.
He starts running towards the hoop.
He's all blushing and into it.
And he pulls up an eight-footer.
Nothing but net.
He steps up to me. He chested up.
He looked at me, and he just goes,
"Let's fucking go."
"What? What did you just say to me?"
He goes, "Let's go?"
I go, "Go sit on the wall for five minutes
and think about what you just...
I am your father. You never speak to me
like that. Are you out of your mind?"
I turned and thought to myself,
"That was the greatest shit
I have ever seen in my fucking life!
My son is the man!"
Yeah, one month into COVID,
my mom's flip phone broke.
And so we bought her
her very first iPhone.
And if you were to say to me tonight,
"Jeff, would you rather
teach your mother how to text
or teach your dog how to wipe his ass?"
I would probably say,
"Hand me the toilet paper.
Let me give that a shot."
The texting has been
a little bit of a challenge.
And my daughters were
so excited, you know,
that their gabba was finally texting,
so they're texting her.
One night, I get a call from my mom,
and sh-she says to me, "What is 'lo'?"
I said, "What are you talking about?"
She said, "Jordan sent me a text,
and at the end of it, it said 'lo.'"
I said, "How do you spell it?"
She said, "L-O-L."
I said, "Mom, that's not 'lo.'
That's 'laugh out loud.'"
I said, "That's what the kids do now.
Instead of writing everything out,
you know, they just use initials.
Like 'I-D-K' is 'I don't know.'
'O-M-G' is 'Oh, my gosh.'"
I said, "That's how they do it."
Few nights later,
I get a text from my mother that says,
"I-Y-G-T-T-G-S-I-N-S-K."
I'm like, "Oh, God. Mom's had a stroke."
I called her up and said,
"Mom, what did you just text me?"
She said, "I was doing like the girls do.
I said, 'If you go to the grocery store,
I need some ketchup.'"
Well, of course. Why didn't I see that?
Orgasms are wild, though.
The differences between the male orgasm
and the female orgasm, insane.
Like, the male orgasm, as we all know,
it's very straightforward.
It's like Mario Kart.
You just go around the track enough times,
and you've won.
Whereas the female orgasm,
from what I'm told,
it's very much like you're entering
a maze, and there's a sphinx,
and he's like, "I only tell the truth,
and my brother only tells lies."
And you sort of have to solve that riddle,
get to the middle of the maze
and defeat the Minotaur,
and then maybe you'll find the G-spot.
You don't know!
The way we talk about the G-spot
in this culture,
it's as thought it moves about the body,
every night, a different location,
like the Room of fucking Requirement.
It is absolutely nuts.
Like, I just don't think
it could be that difficult.
You only ever hear
it's hard to make a woman come
in the context
of heterosexual relationships.
You never hear that from queer women,
and I wonder what the missing piece
of the equation is.
You know? Like... Like, honestly.
No, stop.
I will not let this descend
into "clapter."
You either laugh and clap or none. Okay?
I don't think it could be that difficult,
though, to make a woman come.
Like, honestly,
I think I could do it.
I do. Put me in, Coach. You know?
Like, I just... I think I could do it.
I haven't spent a lot of time down there,
but I love a puzzle,
so I just feel like I would approach it
like any escape room.
Just hit all the corners
and then get out of there. You know?
So with that in mind, ma'am,
if you could come up here on the stool.
If I could get my beach towel flown in,
please, that would be really great.
I'm just kidding, but what if I wasn't?
Like, what if you were watching
this Netflix special, and you were like,
"Oh, my God. A gay Asian man
just got a woman off live on stage."
Who said theater was dead?
I have a lot of new traits now.
I recently went to Chipotle at 10:45 a.m.
Doctor's orders.
And when I walked in, I was like...
'Cause I'm cool. When I walk into
a Chipotle, I'm not... Up here, I'm all...
At Chipotle, I'm like...
I get it. I'm like...
So I walk into a Chipotle,
and the guy working there...
Yes, a man. Important for the story.
He's like, "What do you want?"
And I'm like, "Okay, he wants to have
raw-dog sex with me."
Now I say, "Hello.
I would like a chicken burrito bowl.
I know guac is extra,
and I'll take the hottest sauce."
He goes...
..."You sure?"
I was like...
..."Oh, my God. Am I sure?
Mmm.
I don't know.
I never thought about it before.
I don't think about big-boy questions
like that.
I'm just a little girlie.
I think about little girlie things
like earrings and shoes.
I don't know about big-boy stuff
like that.
I'm just a little baby with titties.
I'm just"...
Oh, I'm sorry.
I just completely blacked out.
Did I do something?
Wait, did I say something annoying?
Let me be real with you.
You've followed my journey from the start.
Life hasn't always been show business.
There's been times in my life where
I've been broke. Like, "broke" broke.
You know, you ever been so broke you pray?
You ever done that?
You're not even religious.
You start praying.
You don't even know how to pray.
"Uh, yeah. Um, yeah.
I don't know who's up there.
Buddha, one of you, listen.
I beg you, please.
If there's any way that Our Father
can walk through the shadow of death
and find me some kind of sign for money"...
Even while you're negotiating
with the Lord, it doesn't even make sense.
"If you can find me a sign of money,
I promise I will never swear again
in my life."
What?
Real broke, man.
It's over for white people. It's 100%...
We had a nice run.
Listen, white people,
we had a nice run, but, baby, it's over.
Okay? Make no mistake.
Facedown. Done. Over. Never coming back.
But, I mean, hall of fame historically.
Really, a lot of good things.
Also a lot of bad things.
But brush over it, you know?
But it's over. It's over for whites.
And I knew that.
I felt that about seven years ago.
I felt that coming.
I felt the tide turning for the whites.
I looked in the mirror,
I said, "Uh-oh, SpaghettiO.
Chris, you are"...
'Cause I am, like, skin-condition white.
Like, I am supremely white.
And it's just... I knew.
So I had to make a decision.
'Cause I deliberately, on purpose...
Both my daughters are Puerto Rican.
I have... Yes. Latina children. Thank you.
Ooh.
I have Latina kids and... Again, by design.
I went out to a bar seven years ago.
It's called "Place to Beach."
It's still there, actually.
It's in Coney Island, Brooklyn.
Google it. Yeah, Place to Beach.
Yeah, I bought my fake vaccine card there
with a mai tai.
And... From Vito.
He's dead of COVID, but what can you do?
I like doctors.
I like specialists though, you know?
Like, this is what I don't understand.
Your foot hurts,
so you wanna go to the foot doctor.
You phone the foot doctor, he goes,
"You can't come.
You gotta go to a regular doctor."
So then you go to the regular doctor,
and he goes,
"Yeah, you gotta go to a foot doctor.
Yeah, just pay Agnes 80 bucks
on the way out."
What is that scam, you know?
You go, "All right."
He goes, "While you're here,
want me to take your blood pressure?"
I'm like, "No, that's fine. I've had my
blood pressure taken about 5,000 times."
Don't even know what it means.
They go, "It's 150 over 60."
I go, "Is that good?"
They go, "It's... I don't know.
It's all a blur.
I'm a doctor.
I'm gonna be hitting your knee
with a hammer now."
That's the oddest one to me of all time.
We haven't gotten past that?
That's like a cartoon from the 1950s.
Guy pulls out a hammer,
hits your knee with it,
and then you go, "Ah, my knee!
Oh, my God, that hurts."
And then the guy writes down,
"Excellent. Very good."
That's exactly how you should react
when your knee is struck by a hammer.
Sometimes, doctors just know smart words.
You ever see those guys?
Like one time I remember I was real tired.
I had this thing, I didn't know what.
So I went in, and I say, "Hey, Doc,
I got this thing. I'm real tired."
He goes, "Sounds like
chronic fatigue syndrome to me."
I say, "Really? What's that?"
He says, "Well, 'chronic' means 'always, '
and 'fatigue' means 'tired, '
and 'syndrome, '
that means 'something you got.'
Anyway, you can pay Agnes 80 bucks
on the way out."
I just like a thick-necked,
ignorant-looking man. That's what I like.
I like a guy that looks like he'd say,
"Follow the money,"
when he's talking about the vaccine.
I want One Direction to do
a BTS covers medley at my funeral.
Because that way, I'll be glad I'm dead.
I'm looking for a hot young thing.
Somebody about...
The best thing about coming out
as transgender
is that people have been
so thrown off by this
that they've totally forgotten
to be racist.
So it's the best thing
that's ever happened. It's great.
Every single month, I think I'm pregnant.
Even if I don't have sex,
I'm like, "Happened to Mary.
It could definitely happen to me."
People with children will act like
if you don't have children,
you not allowed to point out
when they're being a shitty parent.
The weird thing is,
I wasn't trans before I got the vaccine.
Don't you hate it
When the hooker turns out to be 17?
It's like,
"I'm pretty sure I paid for 16."
Being a comedian is not
a psychiatric condition.
Are many of us also very fucked up,
myself included?
Yes. But whatever.
Periodically, if you're lucky,
you might find lasagna in there.
- We love you, nigga. Real shit.
- Thank you for the marijuana.
Yeah, go on. Get down, nigga.
I got one more for you right here.
- This shit here, that shit there...
- This roll for me?
This is a Snoop Dogg Netflix production.
Let's all squeeze together
'cause I'm sure the regular people
in the front row
want a picture of the fab four.
Absolutely not.
No. Fuck, no. I'm not...
Recently, comedy has lost Norm Macdonald,
Louie Anderson,
Bob Saget,
Gilbert Gottfried
and Will Smith.
Thank you, balcony. I appreciate it.
I appreciate you coming
and paying half price.
I thank you very much. It's...
Thank you, but shut the fuck up.
No fucking whooping or...
Just laugh. Thank...
No, but thank...
But shush. Everyone calm down.
All right, shut the fuck up.
You letting a bitch know she done made it.
Where the sexy ladies at?
Who ain't got no panties on?
I smell turkey bacon
Netflix is letting me know...
...that my, uh, one-hour special
has gone over
by 37 minutes and 30 seconds.