Best Thanksgiving Ever (2016) Movie Script

1
[gunshot]
[rapid gunfire]
MIKE: 97.1 The Ticket,
Valenti and Foster.
Big game tomorrow T, downtown,
your Lions take on
the mighty Packers
in what's sure to be another
disappointing Thanksgiving day.
TERRY: Come on, man,
you can't say that.
MIKE: I can say it because
I'm not Helen Keller,
but who cares what I think,
let's go to the people.
248-539-9797...
MALE 1: Boys,
tomorrow's Thanksgiving.
And let me just tell you,
I got a lot to be thankful for.
But God dammit, it all
starts with you guys.
So, if you'll indulge me
for just a moment,
this round's on me.
Charlie P., I've never come
across someone who inspires
optimism the way you do.
Even though the Lions haven't
won a playoff game
in a couple of decades, you
still bet your entire paycheck
every September that
they're gonna win it all.
This year is their year.
- I can feel it.
- Stop right there.
In my opinion, they've got
a fistful of rings
based on your support alone.
America's Guest.
Good times or bad,
you're always there.
Right there in that very
stool to lend an ear.
I don't think I've ever
worked a shift...
that you haven't been here for.
- So, thank you.
- There you go.
MALE 1: For being someone
that I could depend on.
And Earl, I mean,
look at you, man.
I mean, no matter how bad
the economy gets,
you're always looking
for a better job.
- I'm so proud to say that...
- Okay, okay, okay, enough.
I can't deal with this anymore.
Are we at the same
fucking bar?
This dummy's
a degenerate gambler
with debts
all over town.
You know why they
call him America's Guest?
'Cause I don't think he's
paid for a drink in his life.
- It's true.
- And Earl's not looking through
the Classifieds for a job,
he's looking for an escort.
What do it mean when
she speaks Greek?
Anal, for a fee, of course.
EARL: Oh, I got a credit card.
I'll pay for it.
I work at the plant, baby,
we got good benefits.
Why you got to do that? Why can't
you just see the good in people?
AMERICA'S GUEST:
Yeah, why do you do that?
MALE 2: Oh, yeah, well,
because while everyone's busy blowing
sunshine up society's
collective ass,
it is my job to speak
the truth.
CHARLIE P.: Think it's
your job to be an asshole.
MALE 1: You may be right, C.P.
Sure, he's violent,
crass,
maybe even a little psychotic.
Yes, he's an asshole,
but he's a lovable asshole.
- Where are you going with this?
- And ever since our freshman
year at St. Jude's,
he's been there for me.
CHARLIE P.: Oh, what happened?
MALE 1: These four senior
football players tried to jump me.
- What they come to you for?
- Look at him;
I didn't know
whether to save him or pile on.
MALE 1: It was some initiation thing.
They were trying to stuff
me into a trash can.
Brad came from out of nowhere,
tackled two of them,
they let go of me,
and they kicked his ass instead.
[laughing]
Got your ass kicked.
I would've taken 'em too, if it
wasn't for that 300 pound
lineman they had sit on me.
MALE 1: Brad, he just finished
a 14-year career with Buffalo.
- That's no excuse.
- Anyway, asshole aside,
he's our asshole because
he's got it where it counts.
And I'm proud to call
this guy right here...
- my best friend.
- Give it up.
Give it up for him.
[clapping]
Come on, now.
Hey, that was really great,
okay, seriously,
what the fuck's gotten into you?
MALE 1: Truth be told,
I finally put together enough scratch
to put a down payment
on a condo.
And I'm gonna ask
Michelle to move in with me.
No, no, don't start that shit.
MALE 1: Brad, Brad, Brad!
What was our motto senior year?
- Kill those motherfuckers?
- No!
"The time is now."
And the time is now.
- Buddy, she's the one.
- Yeah, but Kev,
- I'm telling you...
- Will you please stop
worrying about me
for once, please?
Let's talk about you,
what about that therapist?
It's not therapy, okay?
It's a fucking support group.
- Get it right.
- Okay, well, how's it
going with that?
It's fine, I guess.
Look, I know I have a problem.
I'm a happily married man...
yet I'm stricken with this
great burden of being
arguably the horniest
man alive,
and I've found with a lot
of consultation
that I can look
at other women.
There's nothing
wrong with that.
- Nor should there be.
- That's right, man.
What I can't wrap my head around
is why a hand job is cheating.
EARL: Because she got a gag ball
in her mouth and she squealing.
KEVIN: Oh, boy, I...
BRAD: I mean, take tigers for
example, king of the fucking jungle.
KEVIN: That's lions, but okay.
BRAD: Do they not fuck
whomever they want?
KEVIN: Jesus Christ,
Rachel, are you ready?
- Yeah.
- [clears throat]
BRAD: Oh, yeah, have another.
- Yup, I know my limit.
- Boys, look, I got to go.
- What?
- I love every one of you.
Thank you, and happy
Thanksgiving, guys.
BRAD: No, this isn't over, buddy.
- Go get her, tiger.
- Kev! Come on!
CHARLIE P.: Hey,
I'll get you money next week.
BRAD: It's a holiday,
take an extra day.
What the fuck are you
staring at, you dirty Mick.
You're seeing a shrink?!
BRAD: Fuck you,
I am not seeing a shrink.
It is a supp...
It is a support group!
AMERICA'S GUEST: Did you have
to get on the little couch?
[laughing]
Happy Thanksgiving to you.
Ya.
[uplifting music]
MALE SINGER: I'm not dreaming away
I'm not fantasizing
There's that thing
that's for sure
That knock on the door
That very look on that face
They call it intuition
Oh, but there's only one
There's no thinking it out
No trace of a doubt
I only know that I'm in
I get a feeling
and it wakes me
Morning light that
she makes me
But knock on my heart,
save me one last time
You open wide and let
it all begin
Love's knocking on my door
[moaning]
[soft quirky music]
MICHELLE: Oh, yeah, oh!
Fuck me!
[swing rock music]
[glass breaks]
[horn honks]
[soft quirky music]
[horn honks]
- Call Michelle.
- Call Adele, calling.
- No, no, cancel.
- Cancel.
- Call Michelle, mobile.
- Bob Hartzell, mobile, calling.
- No, no, cancel.
- Make up your mind.
Fuck you, I said
call Michelle!
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Michelle, calling.
[ringing]
MICHELLE: [voice mail] If I wanted to
talk to you, I would've answered, silly.
Text me, oh, and follow
me on Insta.
And remember,
Michelle loves ya.
[sighs]
[upbeat pop music]
[bells ringing]
NEIGHBOR: Hey, asshole,
what are you doing?
[sirens blaring]
[grunting]
[rock music]
What?! Look at that.
[echoes]
What?! Look at that.
[eerie music]
You don't re-rack
your weights, huh?
You stupid, smelly,
motherfucker!
Huh, you like how
that feels?
You fucking piece of shit!
[cell phone rings]
[grunts]
What's up, bro?
See you in the steam room,
motherfuckers.
What?
[soft quirky music]
[buzzing]
[prisoner shouting]
First degree arson?
What are you,
14 years old?
KEVIN: I caught
Michelle cheating on me.
BRAD: Oh, Kev.
So that's why you lit
a trash can on fire?
OFFICER: Was looking
at a class one felony
if that trash hadn't burned
itself out.
BRAD: Oh, he's sorry, Officer.
Guy's always been a mess
when it comes to the ladies.
I tried to say she was no good,
but his nuts fell off
as I spoke.
OFFICER: Yeah, well,
there ain't nothing wrong
with a little sensitivity;
We all go through that.
My ex left me... for
a Team Six SEAL back in '04.
I cried like a bitch
for three days.
Lost 15 pounds and listened
to sad music for a year.
BRAD: That must've been tough
fighting crime with a broken heart.
OFFICER: Heh, you have no idea.
Hey, sign here.
Good news is that
life gets better.
One day you wake up and suddenly
that pain is gone, you know?
Then you wonder why you
cared in the first place.
Let's get you out of here,
I can't watch a cop cry.
[thunder rumbling]
KEVIN: How could
she do this to us?
We were so happy...
where did it all go wrong.
BRAD: Dogs with big nuts
should have to wear underwear.
Dude.
- Are you even listening to me?
- Yeah, bro, I've been
listening to you all day.
Kev, I know you're going
through some shit right now,
but I promise you're not
gonna feel this way forever.
- It sure as hell feels like it.
- Well, you need to go out,
you know, lay a couple of fours
and fives,
and work your way back up.
As if that's gonna
solve anything.
It may not solve anything,
but it sure will feel good.
Emotionless sex with
less attractive women
is going
to make me feel better?
- I don't think so.
- Oh, are you kidding me?
It's very liberating.
You could treat 'em
like farm animals.
Take out all aggression on 'em.
What do you think fours
and fives are for?
Yeah, I'm not into that.
BRAD: Not into what? Farming?
WAITER: What's up, Brad, Kev?
You guys need anything else?
BRAD: Incidentally,
Gus, I'd like a saganaki.
GUS: You got it, princess.
BRAD: Got any
tzatziki back there?
Maybe I should call her.
Yeah, okay, for what,
to ask her how the sex was?
Kev... listen.
We've known each other forever,
and you know how much
I love you.
So you understand
when I tell you that Michelle
was a piece of shit from day one
and you got a front row seat
to prove it.
Yeah. Yeah, I guess
you're right.
How could I not have
seen this coming?
BRAD: You didn't see it coming,
but you saw it when it came,
- didn't you?
- Dude, does everything you say
have to be so crass?
BRAD: Truth hurts, pal.
- Jesus.
- He can't save you
until you die,
so until then,
you should continue
to listen to me.
Tomorrow's a new day,
a clean slate.
It will be fine, I promise.
[police sirens]
[mellow morose music]
[cell phone vibrating]
[soft quirky music]
AUTOMATED VOICE:
You have one unheard message.
First unheard message:
MICHELLE'S VOICE:
Where are you, sleepy head?
I'm so sorry to do this,
but I won't be able
to do our Thanksgiving tonight.
- Something came up -[spank] -and
ouch, stop it.
I've got to babysit
the neighbor's dog,
so let's see each other
tomorrow?
Happy Thanksgi...
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Message deleted.
[upbeat music]
BRAD: All right, since you're bound
to lose 10 or 15 pounds anyways,
you might as well take
advantage of it, okay?
[weight lifter]
Come on! Hah!
- Brad!
- Yeah?
- Brad?
- What?
KEVIN: I need you.
[pop music]
- Great spot.
- Yeah, of course.
- You get any sleep last night?
- Yeah.
I guess.
BRAD: At least it was in
your bed and not the couch.
- Thanks for that.
- Don't mention it.
I've been thinking about
our conversation last night,
and... I really think it'd
help the healing process
if you started
to meet some women.
KEVIN: I told you...
can't think about that shit right now.
BRAD: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Kev, I get it, okay, but look.
Take her for instance.
She's kind of a dumpy broad,
but, you know,
I bet she'd be fun.
- No thanks.
- No thanks, what?
I never said marry her, she's
probably dying to get laid.
KEVIN: Yeah, well, I'm not.
BRAD: Oh, there she is.
Ass like an Irish setter.
KEVIN: Who says that?
BRAD: Hammer time!
[Hammer]
What's going on, man, you good?
BRAD: I'm great, man.
Break anybody in half today?
[Hammer]
Oh, you know how I do.
BRAD: Hey, it's my buddy Kevin,
Kevin, this is the Hammer.
- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.
All right, dude,
good to see you, baby.
- Happy Thanksgiving, pal.
- Hey, you too, you too.
- Calvin, pleasure.
- Kevin.
[Hammer]
Yeah, whatever.
Man, what's that guy, like
an MMA fighter or something?
BRAD: Neighborhood pharmacist.
KEVIN: Why do they
call him the Hammer?
BRAD: 'Cause his dick's
bigger than your arm.
[woman laughs]
[Hammer]
This is fantastic.
How do you do that again?
Oh yeah, that's it.
[hum of blender]
So, how's Liz doing?
BRAD: Liz is good, she's at
home right now fisting a turkey.
KEVIN: She's awesome, man.
You really hit the jackpot.
So, what are you doing today?
- Nothing.
- Why don't you come to my place?
- Thanks, but I'm good.
- What?! Come on.
I'm just... I'm just
not in the mood.
You're not in the mood?
You'd rather spend
Thanksgiving alone
in your apartment beating
off with tears in your eyes
than at your best
friend's house?
I don't think that I'd
be much fun right now.
BRAD: Kevin, you, like,
haven't been much fun in a couple years.
Just come over.
All right, I'll think about it.
BRAD: Come on.
You want some smoothie?
Just come over.
- Come over!
- All right, all right.
I'll come.
Thank you.
[orchestral music]
[grunting]
Oh, that's the ticket.
- Well, hello there.
- Hi, how was the gym?
BRAD: Gym was good, yeah.
- Honey...
- Yes, honey?
- Could you give me one second?
- For what?
LIZ: Hey now!
To get my hand
out of this turkey's ass?
BRAD: That's my girl.
All right, guess who's
coming to dinner?
LIZ: Sidney Poitier.
BRAD: No, who the fuck is that?
LIZ: Really, Brad?
- Kevin, I invited Kevin.
- Oh, fun! Oh, that's good.
I haven't seen Kevin
and Michelle in a while.
- That's great.
- Yeah, unless she's coming
with somebody else,
she won't be attending.
LIZ: They broke up?!
BRAD: Sort of, she cheated,
he saw it, he's crushed.
No, when did this happen?
Yesterday mid-day.
Oh! My God, that's terrible.
- Yeah.
- What a fucking slut.
BRAD: I love it when
you talk that way.
LIZ: Well, I'm glad you invited
him, he shouldn't be alone right now.
Uncle Bruce and Aunt Marc and
Larry and Margret will be here.
And he'll have a good time.
BRAD: Yeah, um, in other news...
could you do it for me?
I don't have time for this.
- Just, please, come on.
- I don't have time,
- I'm in the middle of cooking.
- Liz, it's once a year.
[humming, clapping]
[soft quirky music]
[clears throat]
FEMALE PORNSTAR:
Yeah, you like that?
You like the way my
ass tastes, Paulo??
PAULO: No habla ingls.
[moaning]
FEMALE PORNSTAR:
Oh, don't stop, oh, fuck me.
Oh, yes, fuck me,
fuck my ass.
[moaning]
Fuck me!
Oh, yeah, stick
your fingers in there.
Oh, give me your fingers.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, God.
[moaning]
Oh, oh, fuck me.
Don't lick my ass anymore,
just fuck me!
[groovy music]
Fuck my ass,
fuck my ass, Paulo.
[moaning]
[cell phone vibrating]
[moaning]
- Kevin?
- Mom!
[soft quirky music]
[loudspeaker] Happy Thanksgiving,
Market Square shoppers.
Flowers and select merch
are 30 percent off.
Although, please note the store
will be closing in 20 minutes.
FEMALE SINGER:
I know that look of love becomes
[acoustic guitar music]
I know that look
of love becomes
Something that tells me
in those eyes
So soft and lovely
are those eyes
Come along,
then you're gone
Still I long for the one
Come along,
then you're gone
Still I long for the one
[clears throat]
- Things get better, ya know?
- Excuse me?
The weak grip
on the flowers,
your slouched posture,
your head hanging low,
it screams heartbreak.
- It's that obvious, huh?
- Might as well be carrying
around a jar with
your nuts in it.
CASHIER: I can take you over here.
- Thanks.
- Yeah, okay.
- Think about it.
- Be nice.
- Hang in there.
- Thanks.
SHOPPER: It's gonna be all right.
CASHIER: Here we go.
ID please.
Thank you... Kevin.
So, any exciting plans
for "we stole your land" day?
BRAD: I'm just going
to my friend's house.
CASHIER: Mm, sounds fun!
Flowers for the lady, I assume?
Uh, no, never assume,
actually.
Really? Hi.
No, no, no, they're
for my friend's wife.
- Oh!
- Yeah, that's... I'm not.
CASHIER: I mean, a handsome
guy like you come in here
- looking at me.
- How about you two queens
exchange numbers and move on?
- I got places to be.
- Easy Sons of Anarchy.
We are finishing up.
$19.95, please.
- [inaudible]
- Want change?
- Keep it.
- Okay, handsome.
- Have a good Thanksgiving.
- You too.
You're such a bitch
sometimes, Harvey.
- I'm a bitch?
- Yes, you're a bitch.
What happened last night,
you were supposed
to call me at 8:00
and you didn't.
My phone died. Sorry.
I told you not to call
me Harvey in public.
- It's Beast.
- Beast?
I'm not a princess.
[soft quirky music]
[doorbell chimes]
- Kev, hey!
- Hey.
LIZ: Come here. How are you?
Oh, we are... we are
so glad you came.
- Um, where should I put this?
- Yes, ah, they're beautiful!
Thank you,
thank you so much.
Uh, Brad, Kevin's here!
- There he is.
- Here he is.
- So, what now?
- Well, it's Thanksgiving.
Let's go in the kitchen,
act like we're helping Liz,
she'll kick us out, we'll be
watching the game in no time.
KEVIN: Sounds good. Um, hey...
So, I was thinking about
calling Michelle.
You know, maybe she just
had a bad moment.
BRAD: A bad moment?
You call getting popped
in the ass on the same couch
you two used to cuddle on...
a bad moment?
KEVIN: I'm sorry, you're right.
BRAD: Larry and Margret
should be here soon.
- Who's Margret?
- Girl he's been banging,
says he really likes her.
- Good, good for him.
- "Good, good for him,"
don't give me that gloomy
Gus shit, come on, man!
A lot of guys would kill
to be in your position.
KEVIN: What?
Seeing their girlfriend bent over
with another guy? Right.
BRAD: No, I'm talking about
being good looking, single,
and living in America.
- [doorbell chimes]
- Hi, hi guys!
- Happy Turkey Day!
- Hi, Lar, how are you?
- Hi, um...
- Margret. So nice to meet you.
Thank you so much
for having me.
You have such a lovely home.
- You're so beautiful.
- Thank you, thank you. Welcome.
- Where are the guys?
- Brad and Kevin are in
the kitchen pretending
to help out.
Uh, go ahead, grab a drink,
I will be right there.
Do you have any idea what
would've happened
if this shit went down
in Qatar?
You'd be riding through the
desert in tears on your camel,
and she'd be getting stoned
to death in the town square.
LARRY: Hey, hey!
- What's up, bro?
- Good to see you, Brad!
- You too, man.
- Yeah!
Hey, Kev, how you doing, man?
I'm... I'm good.
I'm okay, man, you know?
LARRY: You sure about that, man?
Your energy feels
a little off.
- I'm all right.
- His girl got mid-day cock
from another man,
but he's on the mend.
LARRY: Oh, no,
in the middle of the day?
MARGRET: So sorry.
KEVIN: Let's talk
about something else.
LARRY: Oh, this is Margret.
Margret, this is Brad
and Kevin.
MARGRET: It is so nice to meet you.
I've heard so much about you.
So handsome, yet so debonair.
BRAD: It's really
nice to meet you too.
MARGRET: Thank you!
BRAD: What the fuck
does debonair mean?
BRUCE: Hello!
BRAD: Oh, shit, ladies, welcome.
MARC: Did someone say
"gobble, gobble"?
- I think you've gobbled enough.
- Cute, Brad.
- Thank you for having us.
- Hey, Bradley, where's Liz?
I wanna show her something
with the turkey
that I saw on The Chew
this morning.
BRUCE: Will you stop it?
Not even here a minute
and he's already trying
to change things.
MARC: Hey, I'm Marc,
nice to meet you.
- Margret!
- Oh, that's funny.
Hi, Marc. Oh, Bradley!
[mixed conversation]
LIZ: Okay, hey! All right.
- Out of my kitchen.
- Oh!
BRAD: What'd I tell you?
Let's watch the game.
Okay! Let's put this...
She's heavy.
- Wow, this looks amazing.
- Thank you, thank you.
- Okay, who wants to say grace?
- I'll do it!
BRUCE: Wow, nobody's
that quick on the draw.
- She loves to say grace.
- It's true, I do.
I used to always say
grace for dinner
back in Iowa.
- Oh.
- Iowa? No kidding.
BRAD: All right,
let's go, grace it up.
LIZ: Oh, just gonna do that.
MARC: We're doing it.
Dear Lord, we gather
here today grateful.
Grateful for love,
and life, and nature.
Thank you for protecting us,
and keeping us safe
from criminals and diseases,
and for giving us the gift
of our sexuality.
BRAD: Are you
fucking kidding me?
MARGRET: I want to thank you
on a personal note for Larry.
I love him so much.
And I can't wait to show
him just how much again
later on tonight.
LIZ: Oh.
[clearing throat]
MARGRET: And then...
Um, I want to thank you
for Liz and Brad.
If it wasn't for them,
we wouldn't have left
the house this week.
And for Bruce and Marc.
Even though they're gay,
they are so sweet.
And that's all we can
ask for nowadays.
And thank you for Kevin.
He seems nice.
In the Lord's name, we pray.
EVERYONE: Amen!
That was so beautiful, baby.
BRAD: Yeah, that
was really something.
Pass the fucking beans.
LIZ: Cheers, everyone!
BRUCE: Ah, cheers.
Happy Thanksgiving.
[indistinct chatter]
[bright orchestral music]
BRAD: Do you want a drumstick,
take a bite, take a bite!
MARC: Oh, Roman times!
I don't want that.
LIZ: Stop.
[laughing]
MARC: Mannequin is one
of my favorite movies.
Mannequin one, not two.
[singing]
Oh, my God.
MARC: "Oh, guys,
I'm Margret, blah."
BRUCE: All right, get off
now, you're embarrassing me.
MARC: I'm just
trying to have fun.
Okay, by the way,
I hate to bring it up...
- Oh, stop it.
- No, don't tell me to stop it.
LIZ: Take our picture,
do you have your phone?
MARC: Guys, by the way,
cute couple picture.
- Chin down.
- Ugh, Kevin, you're so sweet.
Why are you still single?
Higher up, though, higher up.
Angle from higher up.
Higher up!
[camera shutter clicking]
[laughing]
LARRY: Bruce, could you put a
little more corn pudding on there?
BRUCE: Unbelievable.
You straight guys eat
as much as you want.
Us gay boys are always
watching our figures.
Bulimia.
It's 'cause size doesn't
matter to us, right, Kev?
MARC: Oh, that's what Liz said.
[laughing]
- He's lying.
- But you did.
- Where's the bathroom?
- Oh, I'll show you.
It's right this way.
MARC: Hug the wall,
sweetie, hug the wall.
KEVIN: So, Lar...
- When did you guys meet?
- A couple of weeks ago.
MARC: Wow, that's fast.
LARRY: What can I
say, man, she's great.
I mean, when I first
met Margret... I just knew.
MARC: Knew what?
You're beautiful.
You're capable.
You're sexy.
KEVIN: She seems so
family-orientated.
[sniffing]
LARRY: Yeah, I mean,
she's gonna make a great mom
one of these days.
Ha!
I would make love
to both of you.
LARRY: She's amazing in bed.
- Oh, nice.
- Wow.
MARC: Not nothing.
[humming]
[cell phone dings]
Motherfucker!
KEVIN: Good for you.
BRAD: Oh, you, with this shit.
LARRY: You never know, Kev,
I mean, things may end up
working out between
you and your ex.
KEVIN: Yeah, yeah,
you never know.
Listen, motherfucker,
it's over.
- Brad?
- What?
KEVIN: No, he's right.
It's pretty over.
BRUCE: Oh, baby.
There are women lined up
around the block
for a handsome guy like you.
MARC: Men, too.
It's okay.
KEVIN: Yeah,
what is with you guys
and the word "handsome"?
LARRY: When exactly
did things go wrong?
BRAD: When he asked
for her phone number.
It's called a one-night
stand for a reason.
- Oh.
- Oh.
MARGRET: Guys, I can't believe it.
My ex posted nude pics of
me on mysluttyex.org.
- Oh, my God.
- Really?
BRUCE: Everyone's
gonna see you naked.
Not a big deal,
just my boobs.
- That's the spirit.
- Yeah, yeah,
I'm proud of my breasts.
BRAD: You should
be, here's to them.
MARGRET: They're a supple
reminder of my sexuality.
Want to see, Brad?
BRAD: It's fine, it's fine.
Thank you for that.
LIZ: Margret,
would you like more wine?
EVERYONE: No!
Oh, okay, well, I'll get...
I'll get dessert started.
[cheering]
MALE ANNOUNCER:
So AJ Brock is now on the bench.
We heard that he was
iffy coming back.
And it's Franco and
DJ Smith in the middle.
And this one's picked.
[laughing]
MALE ANNOUNCERS:
Same old Lions.
- This game sucks.
- Yeah.
I can't even remember
the last time
the Lions actually
won on Thanksgiving.
LARRY: Hey, man,
Lions on Thanksgiving is tradition.
BRAD: Yeah, tradition of losing.
- Let's do shots.
- You see that?
- Now we're talking.
- Yeah, I don't really think...
BRAD: Kevin.
So... what's your poison?
MARGRET: Uh, do you have Jager?
Let me rephrase that.
Would you prefer
whiskey or tequila?
MARGRET: Tequila!
LARRY: She loves
tequila, makes her crazy.
MARGRET: La cucaracha
BRAD: Kind of figured that.
So, anyway...
What was the name of that
website you were featured on?
MARGRET: Mysluttyex.org.
BRAD: Oh, yeah?
Let's drink to that.
KEVIN: Salut.
- Woo!
- I didn't need that.
LARRY: Oh, it's a party now.
BRAD: So, uh, how
exactly did your pics end up
- on that site anyhow?
- Oh, my ex, Nehisi,
had some topless pictures...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
what the fuck is his name?
MARGRET: Nehisi.
Your ex is a Canadian?
MARGRET: No, he's not from
Canada, he's black.
BRAD: Wow, Lar,
you know about this?
I mean, I've seen
you naked, bro.
Following that
act must be like
throwing a baseball
bat into a closet.
LARRY: Oh, no, dude,
it's not at all.
BRAD: Okay, well,
since we're on the topic,
are there any other
minorities you've been with
that we should know about,
chin, landscaper, sand?
- Dude!
- What, Kevin?
They've only been together
for a couple of weeks.
Lar deserves to know.
MARGRET: You are so racist.
BRAD: I'm not racist, okay,
I hate everyone equally.
LARRY: He's just joking, baby.
BRAD: Yeah, I'm just
playing, I'm sorry.
MARGRET: Okay, if you say so.
Good, moving on.
I bet you two have weird sex.
LARRY: Hell yes, we do.
MARGRET: I love it
when you make me squirt.
BRAD: Oh, yeah,
let's talk about that.
LARRY: Oh, man,
you would not believe it.
BRAD: You'd be amazed
at what I could believe.
MARGRET: I can squirt ten yards.
- Yeah, I think I'm gonna go.
- Sit the fuck down, Kevin.
That's bullshit, you can't
squirt ten yards.
MARGRET: Yes, I can,
I can squirt ten yards.
BRAD: No, you
cannot squirt ten yards.
MARGRET: Yes, I can!
Ten yards, that's
a first down.
You can't squirt
a first down!
MARGRET: Yes, I can, tell him.
LARRY: Um, well.
MARGRET: Whose side are you on?
What, baby, I'm on your side.
MARGRET: Well, then tell him.
It goes pretty far.
BRAD: Yeah, but
Lar, come on, okay.
We're not talking about
third and inches here.
- This is fourth and long.
- Okay, I'll show you.
No, no, I don't think
that's a good idea.
MARGRET: You are letting
this asshole make fun of me.
You're making me look
like a fucking liar.
LARRY: Baby, babe.
MARGRET: Don't!
LARRY: I'm sorry, guys.
She's just really sensitive
about this stuff.
BRAD: Don't be sorry,
man, it's all right.
She's just expressing
herself is all.
So are we gonna do this
bag of blow or what?
- You guys have blow?
- I knew it!
LARRY: Oh, no.
BRAD: Larry, wait!
MARGRET: Where's the blow?
BRAD: Hey, wait... Lar, wait up.
- Are you all right, bro?
- Look, I'm sorry, man...
she just gets a little out
of hand when she gets going.
BRAD: Hey, hey, hey,
never, ever apologize
for a special gift
like that, okay?
She's just a free
spirit, that's all,
like a fucking unicorn.
- You think so?
- I know so.
LARRY: I don't know, I haven't
known her that long, I just...
Well, it doesn't take much.
[soft quirky music]
- You're right, man.
- Get in there.
- You're right.
- Be a fucking athlete.
- Let's do this.
- Be the man she needs
you to be right now.
LARRY: Here I come, baby.
[grunting]
Come here!
I'm sorry, baby, let's show
'em what you can do.
KEVIN: What did you say to him?
BRAD: That's not important.
[laughing]
This is gonna be awesome.
BRUCE: You are one of a
kind, Lizzie.
I'm gonna need to get this
pumpkin pie recipe.
LIZ: I'll e-mail it, Mom
taught me how to make it.
- It's so good.
- Thank you.
By the way, what is the
deal with that Kevin?
So handsome, such a downer.
BRUCE: Yeah, lighten
up, it's not that bad.
LIZ: He's just going
through a tough time.
MARC: Yeah, I can see
that, but get over it, P.S.
He's sensitive, I don't know.
I'm sure with a little
help from his friends
he'll be fine.
Anyways, I wonder
what they're up to.
[dramatic music]
Ah, ah.
BRAD: Come on,
Lar, be an athlete.
- You can do it, baby.
- Right, right, left, left.
BRAD: Oh, dude, this'll beat
front row at a Gallagher concert.
- I think I'm gonna go.
- No way, you need to see this.
Come on, baby,
I want my first down.
LARRY: I'm trying,
I'm trying, man.
It usually doesn't
take this long.
BRAD: Well, get your shit
together, all right?
Don't want to put you
in half time for Kevin.
- Shut up!
- Sorry, sorry, man, too much.
[shouting]
- Give them some encouragement.
- Come on,
you can do it, guys!
Dude, look how pink it is.
BRAD: Yeah, I know.
KEVIN: I think I
should be leaving.
- No, you shouldn't be leaving.
- Yes, yes.
We're not done
till we move the chains.
I don't think we're
gonna move the chains!
BRAD: Come on,
get your knees up!
High knees, let's go!
Hey, Lar, give
her the Kit Kat!
- Oh, yeah.
- What the hell is the Kit Kat?
What's wrong with you?
We don't have time
to get into that.
Come on, Lar,
snap that fucking bean!
[shouting]
Ah!
[shouting]
- Touchdown!
- Woo!
BRAD: We fucking did it!
Woo!
I love you.
Yes!
LIZ: Oh, they're fine,
they're just watching the game.
Must be a good one.
Hmm.
She's a little kooky, right?
BRUCE: I didn't notice.
She's got gout
in her vagina.
- Stop it.
- Well, she is disgusting.
- That's a little over the top.
- Listen, let's be clear,
you know she blew an eight
ball in your bathroom?
- Stop it.
- What do you mean stop it?
You didn't see it
up in her nose?
Okay, by the way,
I'm glad I'm the only
one that noticed that.
Are you high?
BRUCE: Stop it.
MARC: Stop squashing me, Bruce.
You're always squashing me
in front of your niece.
It's, like, not fair,
then she thinks...
Stop, do you need more wine,
are you guys good?
Oh no, I think I'm good
on the grape.
Was she in the
fucking circus?
- That was awesome.
- I know.
- You all right in there?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just got hit with a tidal
wave of cum is all.
- Larry, is she dead?
- Oh, no.
It just takes
a lot out of her.
I got to get Liz
on this program.
Kev, open up.
MARGRET: Did we make it?
LARRY: Oh, first down, baby.
KEVIN: I'm going home now.
BRAD: What? You can't leave now.
MARGRET: Put me in, Coach.
BRAD: See, she's
just getting started.
KEVIN: Brad, I'm soaked in cum.
I'm going home to shower.
MARGRET: You can't
leave, where's he going?
LARRY: Oh, it's all
right, oh, there we go.
KEVIN: Margret...
You're a very talented woman.
- Lar, it's been real.
- Good to see you too, Kev.
- Next time.
- Keep your head up, man.
- Where's he going?
- He just got shaken up
on the plane, don't worry,
he'll jog it right off.
Lar, you guys are welcome
to spend the night here.
For that matter, you can stay
here for the rest of your lives.
- Thanks, man.
- Kev!
MARGRET: See you at Christmas.
- Kev, wait up.
- What?
BRAD: Look, dude,
I'm sorry you got sprayed, okay?
I thought she was talking shit,
didn't think she could do it.
Yeah, neither did I,
but, clearly, she can.
And she did it all over me.
And I'm a little
emotional about it.
BRAD: Look, dude,
I get it, okay?
I know it's
somewhat degrading
when someone cums in your
face, but society's changed.
Straight guys take it on the
chin sometimes, too.
KEVIN: Oh, you're pathetic.
Tell Liz I said thank you.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
- Kevin, wait, wait.
Okay, hey, stop.
What do you say we
go to your place,
get you changed up,
and go paint the town?
I've seen enough painting
for one night.
Kev, look at me.
I need this as
badly as you do.
KEVIN: How so?
Because one more
night of Bravo
and girl talk with
Liz and the queers,
and I'm gonna start
wishing death on people again.
[soft quirky music]
Please.
Come on, man, just say yes.
KEVIN: All right,
all right, fine.
You're not gonna regret this.
Be right back.
Ladies.
Babe, I got to talk to you.
BRUCE: I wish I was Liz just once
so I could teach him a lesson.
Me too so he could
teach me one.
BRAD: Kev's in bad shape, okay?
I think seeing you and I
and Margret and Larry
and Bonnie and
Clyde over there
got him down a little bit.
So, look, I was just
thinking maybe I could
take him out for a while
just to cheer him up, you know?
You are ridiculous.
Shouldn't you be
with your family?
Babe, I'm with my family
every day, okay?
He's my best friend, I want
to make sure I'm there
for him in his time of need;
I can't send him home
with his head down like this.
It won't be a late
night, I promise.
What about Larry and Margret?
BRAD: Oh, they're all fucked up.
I think the tryptophan
in the turkey
got to 'em a little, think
they're in for the night.
LIZ: Really?
Pshhhhh.
Yeah, okay.
Okay, just don't
make it a late night.
I promise you I won't.
- I love you so much.
- Okay, I love you.
LIZ: [tired sigh]
Guess who's going out?
- Have a good night.
- I'm sorry [laughter]
Where are you going?
Just taking Kevin
out for a bit.
- Can we come?
- Yeah, that's a great idea.
You guys never hang out.
- Really?
- Why not?
- Yeah, why not?
- 'Cause we're gonna go do,
you know, guy shit.
You probably
wouldn't be into it.
BRUCE: Need I remind you
I played three years
varsity football.
- You did?
- Yes.
I was a tight end.
How did I know you
were gonna say that?
Fuck it, let's go shake
up the world.
Come on, tight ass.
MARC: Bye!
[intense rock music]
[tires screeching]
[siren wailing]
[horn blaring]
RAPPER: Graduated U of M
Summa cum laude,
few of them
Just had her first IUD
Ain't tryin' to
have birth by Obie T
Louis bag, big as shit
Rural area, Borics
Nigga need to cut,
nigga need to get trimmed up
She's so proper with it
BRAD: Look at this place, man.
This is what
I'm talking about.
Come on.
ANNOUNCER: Angel, you're up next.
MARC: Ugh.
Is this a strip joint
or a homeless shelter?
BRUCE: It's like
they hate clothes.
MARC: I don't...
Hi, I'm Sasha.
You boys want to party?
BRUCE: Um, maybe if your
name was Kyle or Steve.
- Sorry, sweetheart.
- Sweetie,
we're into bigger hands
and hairier chests, so...
SASHA: Oh, you only live once.
Follow me.
MARC: Brucie, I don't...
RAPPER: Magistrate's her mammy
But it's more heat
though, it's Miami
- Hey, Kayla.
- Hey, Brad.
BRAD: How's school going?
KAYLA: Ugh, if I knew
physics was gonna be so tough
I would've stuck
to engineering.
BRAD: Hey,
when you get a chance...
I got a heartbreak over here.
KAYLA: Aw, poor baby.
I got ya.
RAPPER: Never had it like
this growing up in sticks
Body so murderous
It's only right first 48
RAPPER: Good girls
Like to have bad fun
BRAD: Rodney, baby.
Look at this guy!
How you doing, baby?
BRAD: Doin' good, man.
Hey, this is my boy Kevin.
ROD: Nice to meet you.
- Hey, first time here?
- Yeah.
ROD: I can tell,
you got shock and awe
written all over your face.
Have a seat, boys.
BRAD: All right.
So, uh, any new
talent in here?
Got this new box of
rocks right here.
Her name's Destiny.
BRAD: Of course
her name's Destiny.
She's fucking hot.
ROD: Yeah, I don't like the
way her pussy's set up though.
- What?
- The setup, it's no good.
Hmm, it's no good.
MARC: Give me some twenties.
BRUCE: I give you
money all the time.
MARC: Polly want a cracker?
Polly want
a cracker?
BRUCE: Woo-hoo, this is
fun, I'm not gonna lie.
MARC: It's kinda fun.
Look, look.
[singing]
BRUCE: You can't
touch, you can't touch.
MARC: But I'm not
touching, she was my guitar.
ROD: So what brings
you boys in tonight?
Shouldn't you be home with
families eating turkey and shit?
BRAD: We did that already.
Kevin here's been going
through a little heartbreak.
ROD: Oh, sorry to hear that.
What happened, buddy?
KEVIN: Nothing,
we're just taking a break.
ROD: A break?
Buddy, buddy,
bitches don't take breaks.
You seem like a nice,
quiet, well-behaved man,
but let me give
a word of advice.
You, you send girls
cards and flowers
and candy and shit, right?
- Yeah.
- Of course you do,
and that's all right, but
just remember, at the end
of every day, bitches don't
want to be held and cuddled
and coddled and shit...
No, what they want...
is a motherfucking salami,
know what I mean?
- Thanks, Rod.
- Don't mention it.
Kelly?
Kelly!
Yeah, bring my
boys some booze.
I got shit to do
in the office.
Here's a pile of ones.
Spend every last one of 'em.
You boys enjoy.
BRAD: Thanks, man.
[lively music]
ROD: Remember,
it's all about the salami.
[sighing]
KEVIN: So are we gonna tell
everyone my business all day today?
BRAD: What are you
bitching about?
He gave you the best advice
all day.
KEVIN: Oh, what,
send Michelle a salami?
Great advice.
- Hey, Brad.
- Hey.
Can we get four shots
of Patrn, please?
- Why four?
- Kevin.
- Four shots, please.
- You got it, doll.
BRAD: Can you at least try to pretend
like you're having a good time?
This place is a riot.
KEVIN: How frequently
do you come here?
Everyone knows your name.
BRAD: Yeah, like Cheers.
FEMALE 1: Hey, trouble.
MALE SINGER: Am I your
toy, am I your game
Am I your game of love
I could be yours
You could be mine
We could be occupied
- What are we TiVoing right now?
- Andy Cohen, Andy Cohen,
Andy Cohen, and Andy Cohen.
- Boom.
- I love Andy Cohen!
MARC: Excuse me, he is my Jewess
sister from another mister.
FEMALE 2: Ah, I love it.
FEMALE 3: Should get
together and watch Bravo!
BRUCE: I would love that!
- I think that's a great idea!
- Honey, tell 'em
about your Housewives
spinoff show.
BRAD: Come on, baby.
How 'bout an Eskimo kiss?
KAYLA: Not tonight, Brad.
FEMALE 4: Here you go, boys.
BRAD: Yeah, here we go,
that's what I'm talking about.
FEMALE 4: Enjoy, oh, thanks.
BRAD: All right, man up, bitch.
Here's to Larry and Margret.
KEVIN: To Larry and Margret.
Oh, shit.
[laughing]
BRAD: It's a little something
to remind you you're alive.
That's all.
ANNOUNCER: Cheetahs,
make some noise for the lovely Kayla.
Next up, we've got
a special treat
for you all to be
thankful for.
Give it up for the
majestic Aurora.
[dramatic rock music]
BRAD: Oh, baby,
this bitch is awesome.
MALE SINGER: I'm the living proof
that the devil can party till damned
I'm the one
that can front like an angel
and charm up the world
Chase some evil and mine
will make you do
stranger things
I'm your teacher of everything
that the demon demands
My bad can bomb, bow wow
Could shake you downtown
My bad can take you
down, down
That's if you want
to be badder than bad
My bad can bomb, bow wow
My bad knocking loud, loud
My bad is ready to love you
Come on, get badder and badder
with me up your ladder
My, my, my, my, my, my
bad, bad, bad, bad
Woo!
Move a little, a little
down on the floor
Move on up to the kiss of
a man that'll demon your ma
Don't be afraid of the thing
that'll make you go
out of control
I'm your evil,
I'll get you to hell
And, hell, you know
my bad can bomb, bow wow
KAYLA: Ugh, you fucking asshole!
BOUNCER: Fucking loser!
Don't fucking come back here!
BRAD: What the fuck, dude?
Take it easy... Kev.
Kev!
Oh, shit.
Dude, are you okay?
KEVIN: I'm so sorry, man.
BRAD: What, was it the shots?
KEVIN: No, it wasn't,
well, maybe it was.
That girl put her
tits in my face.
- Kayla.
- Yeah, and I was thinking
about Michelle, and I saw...
BRAD: Oh, come on,
are you fucking serious?
KEVIN: What, do you
think that I did it on purpose?
BRAD: All right, look,
maybe bringing you here
wasn't a good idea.
They better let me come back.
- Dude.
- You're right,
I'm sure they will.
[indistinct chatter]
BRUCE: Oh, bye, guys!
MARC: Thank you for
a lovely evening.
BRAD: Where the fuck
are you guys going?
- Ice cream.
- Ice cream!
BRUCE: Woo-hoo-hoo!
Watch your step, ladies.
[upbeat music]
BRAD: Look at this place.
If you can't get laid here,
there is definitely something
wrong with you.
[whistling]
Leave it open.
KEVIN: What are you,
Christian Mingle?
Can't we just hang out?
BRAD: No,
I'm Adult Friend Finder.
Okay, look, maybe getting laid
is setting the bar
high for today.
Let's start out
with a phone number.
KEVIN: Sounds good.
BRAD: There they are.
The one with the helmet
next to the fire hydrant.
KEVIN: Look, I don't
need any help, really.
BRAD: Kevin, I've taken
down a four to help a friend
get a seven in the past,
and God dammit, I'd do it again.
Reminds me of Nam.
[guns firing, men shouting]
A lesser man would've
gone for the seven.
Ladies, how you doing?
Happy Thanksgiving,
come here often?
This your boyfriend?
[whistling]
[lively music]
Kevin, Kevin, hey.
FEMALE SINGER: You seek me
out, creeping in
- Friend's a real piece of work.
- Yeah, he sure is.
FEMALE 5: It's all right, she's a
total slut so he won't offend her.
KEVIN: Really, well,
that ought to keep him
occupied for a little bit.
FEMALE 5: From what,
trying to get you laid?
- Huh?
- That's why I'm here.
Come on, let's
get out of here.
FEMALE SINGER:
Take it up, take it down
Relax, I'm kidding.
I only fuck girls.
- Really, who are you?
- They call me Mel.
So, anyway, who's got
you so down?
- Look, no, I'd rather not.
- You'd rather not my dick,
it's written all
over your face.
Besides, your friend said
your head's been up your ass
since some bitch
broke your heart.
KEVIN: He said all that, huh?
MEL: Yeah.
- So what happened?
- I showed up to her place
around noon, and instead of
my usual warm embrace,
I caught her
with another guy.
MEL: Whoa, okay,
that's pretty fucked up.
How long were you
guys together?
KEVIN: Two years.
MEL: She fuck you
on the first date?
What did you expect?
Look, Kevin, you seem
like a really nice guy,
and there's nothing
wrong with that.
So she's fucking other
people right now.
It's fine, sometimes
that's just the way
people like to get down.
Supposed to make me
feel better? 'Cause it's not.
MEL: No, it's to make
you realize you can't
count on people to live up
to your expectations
because they never will.
Your ex knows you're a nice guy,
and if she were into that,
you'd be home face deep
in her crotch now
instead of standing here
talking to some dyke.
Brad write that
speech for you?
MEL: Your friend's a bitch.
He just doesn't know it yet.
Just be you.
It all works out in the end.
FEMALE 6: Hey, let's go.
This guy is such an asshole.
- Nice talking to you.
- Same here.
What did you say to her?
BRAD: Nothing,
I tried to compliment her
on her setup, you know,
like Rod, shit backfired.
You told them my business.
What are you talking about?
KEVIN: You told
them about Michelle!
Dude, I was just trying
to get you involved.
It's fine, girls love
that shit, they eat it up.
KEVIN: It's not fine,
you've been pulling this shit all day,
and I'm fucking tired of it.
BRAD: What did she say to you?
What didn't she say, she was
like the lesbian Yoda.
Oh, man, would you relax,
stop fucking being a loser.
KEVIN: I'm the loser,
you're the loser.
You've got the most
amazing wife at home
who fucking loves you,
yet you parade around this
place like you're single.
Hey, I may talk a lot of shit,
but I've never once
crossed the line.
This isn't even about me, man!
Okay, today has
been unbelievable,
and while we've all
been out having fun,
you've been MIA.
- I'm out of here.
- Good.
Michelle cheated on you
because you're a pussy.
Fuck you, you're a
fucking scumbag.
BRAD: Oh, yeah, fuck
you, you know what,
go find your crazy
bitch ex-girlfriend.
Good, maybe I will!
BRAD: Yeah, go,
maybe she'll give you
a sympathy fuck, then what?
Don't start that
shit in here.
Oh, yeah?
You're all talk, bitch.
[heavy rock music]
MALE SINGER: Hey, hey, yeah
Yeah, you rock me up
Just to take me down, down,
down, down, down, down
Hey, hey, yeah
[indistinct chatter]
Patrn.
What's good tonight?
MALE 3: We have chicken.
The fuck is the
matter with you?
[drumming]
[rock music]
Whoa, beautiful.
MALE SINGER:
Cats droolin' on the bar stools
Hey stranger.
Hey.
You don't remember me.
Am I supposed to?
Samantha, class of '98.
Oh my God, hey!
[laughing]
You look amazing.
Ah, thanks.
So do you.
Thank you.
You know...
I've had...
the biggest crush on you
since, like, sophomore year.
How could I have
been so blind?
Who cares?
You're right.
- Who cares?
- Who cares?
Anyway, what do you say...
we get out of here and...
catch up?
[nervous laugh]
Oh, uh...
I'd love to, but, um...
Got this little problem here.
I don't care.
I'll never tell.
MALE SINGER: Is that you
Crawlin' up my stairs
- Is that you
- Is that you
MALE SINGER 1:
Oh, tell me is that you
Yeah
Ah, ah, yeah
BRAD: Fuck it, my wife hasn't
been that into me lately anyway.
Come on.
[intense music]
Who the fuck do you
think you are, huh?
No, no.
Think you can just
fuck another guy
in the middle of the day, huh?
You think you can
fuck another guy
in the middle of the day...
What kind of whore?
What kind of whore... no.
Well, listen, bitch!
Huh?
Come on, Kevin, come on!
[muted rock music]
BRAD: What are we doing here?
What am I doing?
What are we doing?
- What does this mean?
- Just relax.
I've been waiting
for this for so long.
BRAD: Oh, I bet.
It's just, it's been
a really long time
since I've been with
a beautiful stranger.
I mean, not that we're
strangers, right?
SAMANTHA: Hey.
There's nothing to worry about.
BRAD: All right.
We can do this but
no kissing and no anal.
SAMANTHA: Oh, why
no kissing, no anal?
BRAD: Because it's only cheating
when you do those two things.
SAMANTHA: How so?
BRAD: Think about
it, it's the first
and last thing
you do with a woman.
It's special,
I can't do that to my wife.
SAMANTHA: That's so fucked up.
[nervous laugh]
I don't care.
I'm gonna give you
the best head of all time.
BRAD: Who could say no
to an offer like that?
[intense music]
[dog barking]
[angry grunt]
Are you fucking nuts?
MICHELLE: Yeah!
- Oh!
- Shit...
MICHELLE: Fuck!
Fuck me, you big,
black motherfucker!
- Yes, like that.
- Oh!
Oh, yeah!
Oh!
Oh, yeah!
- Oh, oh!
- I bet you like that shit.
- Oh yeah, oh yeah.
- Oh, oh!
- Fuck me, Hammer!
- Yeah!
Oh, I'm fuckin' you
for fuckin' Kunta Kinte.
- Do it for Kunta!
- Oh, fuck you, fuck you.
- Fuck you for Kunta!
- Ah, fuck me, Toby!
[Hammer]
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Say "Fuck me, Hammer,"
that's all I need.
[funky music]
MICHELLE: Sorry.
[rock music]
BRAD: God damn,
you have a strong grip.
Were you a fuckin' gymnast?
SAMANTHA: Are you ready?
BRAD: Take me.
SAMANTHA: You really don't remember
me from high school, do you?
BRAD: Sure I do.
SAMANTHA: What's my last name?
BRAD: Oh boy,
I don't know, Moorhead?
I... look, I'm more of
a first name guy.
I've really never
been good with names.
So, come on, Sammy,
help me out here.
SAMANTHA: Oh, I will.
And my last name
is Robertson.
Samantha Robertson.
BRAD: Samantha Robertson.
I like that name.
Yeah, it's a good
Polynesian name.
You know, I played hoops
with a guy named Sam Robertson.
A sophomore.
He was a great guy, but he had
this annoying mole
on his forehead.
SAMANTHA: Oh yeah?
[awkward laugh]
[screams]
BRAD: Sam, what the fuck?
Is that you?
SAMANTHA: Are... okay.
BRAD: Are you gay?
Of course you're gay.
Do you have a cock?
Do you not have a cock?
SAMANTHA: No, I, uh, I...
I don't.
BRAD: You were
gonna suck my cock!
Does that make me gay?
I love cock!
SAMANTHA: No, I don't...
I don't have a cock, okay?
I... I had an operation.
I'm all woman now.
[sighs]
BRAD: It's only gay if you cum.
It's only gay if you cum.
It's only gay... why the fuck
didn't you tell me
in the first place?
SAMANTHA: I don't know.
I guess I should have,
but I didn't think about it.
Okay? I've just always loved you
and really wanted this.
BRAD: What?
Oh my God.
That was your dick I felt
when you jumped on me
at the buzzer beater for the
league championship, wasn't it?
SAMANTHA: That was
a glorious moment
and I wanted to
share it with you.
BRAD: Okay.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Okay.
[sentimental music]
I'm cool with who you are,
what you became or
whatever it is.
What a fuckin' night.
SAMANTHA: I'm just, uh...
[nervous laugh]
I'm just really glad to see
that you have, like,
a human side,
and that you're cool with
all sexual orientations,
'cause this world is
really fucked up.
BRAD: Yeah, I'm cool,
but that doesn't mean
I want to play hide the salami
with all of 'em, okay?
I'm a strictly woman
only guy, get it?
And that's women with vaginas...
From the beginning!
SAMANTHA: I get it.
Uh, thanks for being
understanding about it.
BRAD: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
SAMANTHA: Sorry.
[clears throat]
BRAD: All right,
we should get out of here.
SAMANTHA: Okay.
BRAD: Sam...
Antha.
Go Falcons.
SAMANTHA: The 1996
League Championship
will always mean so much
more to me now.
Go Falcons.
[slap hands]
Yeah, it will.
[spiritual music]
[laughing]
Why the fuck didn't
you tell me inside?
[somber music]
[phone vibrating]
[rock music]
Water.
And some, uh, mints
if you got 'em.
Maybe some hand sanitizer.
Do you have any of that?
MALE SINGER: I'm your teacher
of everything that the demon...
- You and I are not together.
- It does matter, it's our date.
- It... we are not on a date.
- Listen, it's bullshit.
- You're comin' with me.
- No, I'm not.
- Get in the fucking truck.
- Okay, look.
You're drunk, just
leave me alone.
- Will you let me go?
- Hey, let her go.
MALE 4: Mind your own
business, asshole.
KEVIN: What's your problem, man?
That girl said no.
I'll teach you to cockblock me,
you fuckin' asshole.
[kicks]
Fuck you.
[slams door]
[starts engine]
MALE SINGER:
Don't be afraid of the thing
that'll make you go
out of control
I'm your evil,
I'll get you to hell,
and in hell you know...
[cell phone dings]
[sentimental music]
[typing]
[phone]
You have one unheard message.
BRAD: Hey Kev, uh,
buddy, it's Brad.
A guy almost just
blew me in the car,
and that's the least of my
worries right now.
I'm worried where you are, and I
don't know what to do about it.
I'm questioning
my gender identity
right now.
Please call me back.
Uh, thanks, bye.
[laughing]
FEMALE 8: Hey, I am...
[laughing]
I... I'm really sorry
that happened.
Are... are you okay?
KEVIN: I am, I'm okay.
Are you okay?
FEMALE 8: I'm better now.
Thanks for stepping
in like that.
KEVIN: Oh...
Look, I'm a nice guy.
I'm kind of a doormat,
it's my thing.
I'm already on the ground if you
want to walk all over me too.
FEMALE 8: What kind
of talk is that?
You are such a gentleman.
JD is an asshole.
KEVIN: JD?
[laughs]
Of course.
Why wouldn't that guy's
name be JD?
Pickup truck,
slappin' women around.
FEMALE 8: Let me see your face.
Let me see it.
Oh, shit.
KEVIN: What, is it bad?
FEMALE 8: Um...
Just sit still for one second.
Okay?
Here.
Okay.
I'm Sarah, by the way.
- Hi.
- Okay.
KEVIN: Ow!
What the hell's the matter
with you, Sarah?
SARAH: Sorry.
I was readjusting your nose.
KEVIN: What are you, a doctor?
SARAH: Um, sort of.
I'm a nurse.
Okay.
All right?
KEVIN: I'm Kevin.
SARAH: Pleased to meet you.
[laughs]
All right.
You're good as new.
[giggles]
[laughs]
KEVIN: I mean...
Sorry I yelled at you.
Don't be.
I know it hurts.
Can I ask you a question?
SARAH: Yeah.
You seem like a
really nice girl.
Why do you go for
an asshole like that?
[laughs]
No, I wasn't with him.
We just went on a few dates,
and he happened to
be at the bar tonight.
He's not really my type.
Thanks for patching me up.
Yeah.
All right.
Can I buy you a drink?
No thanks.
How 'bout I buy you one?
[mellow music]
Yeah?
Okay.
Uh, so what should we have?
I don't know, uh,
a shot of Patrn?
- Really?
- If that's okay with you.
Yeah, that's okay with me.
- Okay.
- Of course.
BRAD: Kev!
Kev!
Dude, have I got a story...
But what the fuck
happened to you?
Nothin', why?
- Do you want a lime, Kevin?
- No thanks.
Sarah, this is my
best friend Brad.
Brad, this is Sarah.
Hi.
BRAD: Hey.
Dude, I am so sorry for being
such an asshole earlier.
It almost came back to haunt me
as my first gay experience,
which in hindsight I don't think
I was totally against.
- Maybe I'm a democrat after all.
- Brad.
Don't worry about it, man.
Thank you.
So what was that story?
BRAD: I'll tell you about
it in the morning, okay?
Here we go.
SAMANTHA: There you are,
I've been looking everywhere for you.
SARAH: Oh, hey babe. Guys,
this is my
girlfriend Samantha.
- I'm Kevin, and this is my...
- Oh, Sam and I go way back.
Uh, yeah, we're... Bobby,
we're gonna need
one more shot for him.
I mean her, I meant her.
Thanks.
So what are we toasting to?
To my hero.
The St. Jude Falcons.
To my best friend.
Here's to the best
Thanksgiving ever.
[clearing throat]
Oh...
I think I'm gonna sing a song.
Yeah.
MALE SINGER: Oh yeah
[murmur of conversation]
DJ: All right, comin' up next...
SARAH: Is he a good singer?
KEVIN: Well, he's a unique singer.
DJ: Singin' a tender love ballad
close to my heart.
Give it up for Brad!
[applause and cheering]
BRAD: This one goes out to
a couple of special friends
of mine tonight.
[jazzy music]
Thank you all for comin'
out tonight.
Thank you very much.
Especially you in
the green coat.
Blow me
You hardly even
know me
Just set yourself below me
And blow me
Tonight
SARAH: Is this guy for real?
I am afraid so.
SARAH: Kind of sounds
like Sinatra, no?
KEVIN: No.
No.
When you part your
lips that way
Ooh, I want you
night and day
- Want you night and day
- When you squeeze
my balls so tight
BACKUP SINGERS: Balls so tight
BRAD: I want to blow my load
with all my might
So blow me
You hardly even know me
So blow me
Get 'em, Sam!
You've got to blow me
So blow me
Blow me tonight
Yeah!
You know, next time I think
I'll sing "How's Your Hole?"
[mellow music]
- All right.
- Sing it.
SARAH: Um, well,
it was great meeting you.
BRAD: Right, you too.
Take care of my boy here.
He's fragile.
I think I can handle it.
I'll see you in a minute.
BRAD: So, uh, guess I'll
see you tomorrow, buddy.
KEVIN: You got it.
Hey.
Thanks for everything, man.
BRAD: Thank you, bro.
Love you, pal.
KEVIN: Okay.
- Get in there.
- The way I am about you
And the madness
I go through
In a twilight moment
Where love was
once life for me
Now the corner neon lights
up my mood
[breathing into hand]
Melancholy mood
Love is so impractical
As I keep myself
waiting for you
In the deepness
of this moment
LIZ: Oh.
Mm...
- Hi, baby.
- Hey, I'm so sorry to wake you.
LIZ: That's okay.
Anything exciting
happen tonight?
BRAD: Nah.
It was lame.
It seems like everywhere
you go in this town,
you run into all
the same people.
Same old.
LIZ: Sometimes
it's a good thing.
BRAD: Yeah,
and sometimes it's not.
LIZ: I'm sorry.
BRAD: It's okay.
I'm just so happy to be
here with you right now.
LIZ: We'll have sex in the
morning, Brad.
BRAD: Oh, of course.
LIZ: Thank you.
BRAD: Are you sure?
LIZ: Yes, I'm sure.
So you can stop poking me
in the side with your dick.
BRAD: Okay.
Goodnight.
- You're positive?
- Brad!
BRAD: Love you.
[upbeat music]
SARAH: Did you sleep well?
KEVIN: The best sleep
I've had in days.
I should play the accidental
hero more often.
[giggling]
SARAH: How's your nose?
KEVIN: It's a little
sore, but, uh,
I think I'm gonna make it.
SARAH: Yeah?
What time is it?
KEVIN: It's almost 9:30.
SARAH: Ugh...
I have to get to work.
KEVIN: You have to work
the day after Thanksgiving?
SARAH: Mm-hm.
A nurse's work is never done.
MALE SINGER:
I'm not dreamin' away
I'm not fantasizin'
There's that thing
that's for sure
that knock
on the door
That very look on that face
SARAH: You know,
I can't thank you enough
for how you saved me last night.
KEVIN: Actually...
it was you that saved me.
SARAH: How so?
KEVIN: You just did.
[giggles]
MALE SINGER: I get a
feeling and it wakes me
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Like morning light
KEVIN: I thought that
you had to go to work.
SARAH: Not if it's an emergency.
KEVIN: Oh yeah?
MALE SINGER: Save me
One last time
You open wide
and let it all begin
Love's knockin' on my door
Like it's never done before
Love's comin' on
Love's comin' on home
[rock music]
[grunting]
- Yeah, oh!
- Who the fuck is your...
MALE 5: Cut, cut.
- Oh my God.
- Cut!
MALE SINGER:
You can't be the singer
He a Boy Scout, he say, "Oh,
I got to help my friend."
You got your ass kicked,
that's what happened.
MALE SINGER:
You can't be the groupie
What? Do I want a drink?
Got an idea.
MALE SINGER:
I was the nerd guy
Now I'm the cool guy
Well...
Without the olive, I don't
know what we got there.
MALE SINGER:
Done everything wrong
Except my good songs
You know what?
Get rid of these glasses,
I don't want people
- to think I got a problem.
- As if.
- There you go.
- Where am I goin', sucker?
MALE SINGER:
What am I thinkin'?
I'm lookin' for a pussy.
I'm lookin' for as much
pussy as I can.
I've circled pussy,
and I got it lined up here.
That's what I'm lookin' for.
- Pussy.
- Just the slippers
and the shamers hang around
BRUCE: Everyone's
gonna see you naked.
MARC: Your vagine,
your birth canal,
your cat purse,
pussy says meow.
It's disgusting, sweetie.
- Tits ahoy.
- You need...
- You need...
- Down to your poop deck.
MARC: Poopdeck Pappy.
You need some pride.
- Pappy?
- Pappy.
BRUCE: They're not
gonna see that.
MARC: Cat purse.
Pussy says meow.
MALE SINGER:
Nothin' normal 'bout the life
on the planet Rock On
ROD: Kelly!
Yeah, get... get...
Kelly!
Kelly!
- Bitch can't hear.
- Kelly!
- Kelly!
- The fuck is wrong with...
I'm sorry, Rod, it's your club.
[laughing]
MALE SINGER:
Done everything wrong
BRAD: Does that tickle?
Does that tickle?
MALE SINGER: Come on, come on
[Tarzan yell]
[playing kazoo]
[hocking loogie]
MALE 6: Arabic
[unintelligible] man.
[hocking loogie]
[high-pitched noise]
MALE SINGER: Porn star
Oh, oh...
[laughing and whimpering]
What's Liz gonna say?
That was kooky.
[laughing]
- Morning, handsome.
- Get the fuck out of here.
[flatulent noise]
LIZ: Ugh...
Really?
[laughing]
- What is that?
- [laughing]
MALE SINGER: Things
that I want to rant on
[making nonsensical noises]
[yelping]
Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut!
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Woo!
- I love you.
- Done everything wrong
Except my good song
MALE 7: Okay, now do a climax.
[laughing]
MALE SINGER: I'm your rockstar
MARGRET: Okay.
[sighs]
[laughing]
I just want to say on
a personal note...
- Cut.
- Thank you so...
[laughing]
MALE SINGER: I am your rockstar
Porn star
Shockstar in one
Oh yeah
BACKUP SINGERS:
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
MALE SINGER: Hey
I'll be your rockstar
Porn star
Shockstar,
oh, oh
Oh, oh
Am I your rockstar
Woo!
Porn star
Shockstar, oh, oh
Hey, yeah, yeah
Rockstar
[grunting]
[sobbing]
[dramatic music]
MIKE: Good afternoon, everybody!
TERRY: I love this
song, by the way.
MIKE: I'm Mike, that's Terry.
TERRY: Hi.
MIKE: And we do
radio in Detroit.
TERRY: Of all places.
[grunting]
MIKE: Okay, gonna
be a good day today.
[laughing]
TERRY: Mike, stop.
Someone just tweeted me
a picture
of Ray Charles
as a referee...
- No, no.
- In the end zone.
MIKE: No.
[laughing]
Let... let me,
let me start out
with this, okay?
Everybody knows what happened,
but I want to just express...
my feeling on something,
because my...
TERRY: We've been
Waitin' for it all night.
MIKE: My anger does not even...
How about this,
on the list of anger...
the refs don't come in first
and neither does
the football team.
My anger lies with
the Lion organization.
Okay?
Owners,
your CFO, CEO,
your GM, your head coach,
and any player who matters.
My anger lies with them because
here's the one guarantee
I can give you... I can't
guarantee whether
the Lions win or lose.
We know they lose
most of the time.
But I guarantee you that
no matter how the league
bends this franchise over,
no matter how the league
spits in your face,
no matter how the league
openly and forcibly...
disrespects you,
you will say nothing.
Your quarterback?
Forget about it.
Your head coach?
Forget about it.
I'm not even convinced he knew
the rules on the sideline.
Did he go crazy
in the post game?
No.
And here's my biggest complaint.
This is a day where we as fans,
you as fans, can do nothing.
You can get angry,
spin your wheels,
scream and yell,
whatever you want.
The only people that
can say things
that will make you feel better
or possibly effect change...
are the small group of people
that have consistently,
over the course of
the last 55 years,
said nothing.
And that's your ownership
and your management.
Because what frustrated me
most is last night
was the time where if that
happened to the Dallas Cowboys,
Terry said it in pre-show,
Jerry Jones would have
robbed a church of their pulpit.
TERRY: Yeah, he would
have stolen the pulpit
and put it up and said,
"Come over here..."
MIKE: Everybody come
here, I want to help you.
TERRY: Right.
MIKE: You the fans
deserve better
in this regard.
Your team sucks.
And for whatever reason
you still care.
You deserve better.
But understand the league
does not respect you.
The league does not take
the Lions seriously.
Because all the league
has done consistently...
is defecate on you.
Whether it's the
Calvin process,
the Dallas playoff game,
the Pollard touchdown,
they... all they do is
spit in your face.
And your ownership says nothing.
Thank you, may I have another?
And the league will continue
to do this to you
because they don't
care about you,
because you don't matter.
You're a non-entity,
you're a joke.
And you'll get
treated like that.
And it's gonna happen again
and again and again.
That's the problem I have.
TERRY: I can tell,
but here's the thing.
MIKE: I don't even
like this team!
- I understand, Mike.
- But I'm disgusted
because these poor bastards
that root for this team,
they don't get anything!
TERRY: They show way more
emotion than the team.
MIKE: And again this
team gets boned.
Boopadoo.
[dial tone]