Beverly Hills Ninja (1997) Movie Script
For hundreds of years in Japan,
there has lived a clan...
...who have dedicated themselves to
a secret art of self-defense...
...and survival.
The art is so lethal that
it has made the clan invincible.
To this day, we are known as...
...ninjas.
Twenty-five years ago...
...an ancient legend
of this sacred art came alive.
lt spoke of a foreign child
who would come among us...
...and become a ninja master
like none other.
How he arrived on our shores...
...will forever remain a mystery.
We ninjas thought that this child...
...would be the Great White Ninja
of the legend.
We were wrong.
We were very wrong.
Haru!
Haru.
Gobei.
I need your honest opinion
about something.
Yes, sensei.
What do you think of Haru?
I Iove my brother.
His heart's Iike a fIower.
His determination's Iike a tiger.
He's a fat fooI and an
embarrassment to ninjas everywhere.
Today, I am proud to be your sensei.
This is that speciaI time
when I can say to you:
''You are a ninja.''
You can communicate with
other ninjas...
...by projecting yourseIf
onto the PIane of EnIightenment.
Remember...
...on this pIane...
...which can be shared by
no other mortaI...
...we can aIways contact each other
wherever we may be.
As a ninja...
...you are one with the universe.
AII of you
who are graduating today...
...wiII receive the medaIIion
of the Tengu Warrior.
However, I give the goIden medaIIion
to my finest student.
Gobei.
Forged in the fires
of confidence and discipIine.
Carry it with you aIways.
Sorry, Haru.
CongratuIations, big brother.
Wait! Sensei, wait for me!
Sensei, I am so excited about tonight.
I have been waiting
for such a Iong time!
Tonight's exercise
is for the ninjas onIy.
But your job is an important one.
You are to remain here
to protect the viIIage...
...and guard the dojo.
I shaII do as you say.
I shaII protect the viIIage
and guard the dojo.
And I shaII water the pIants.
Good Iuck. Good Iuck.
Stay Iow so as not to be detected.
Good Iuck, my brother.
Do not try it.
Don't try it.
Are you communicating with me?
Are you communicating with me?
HeIIo?
Excuse me.
Is this the Takagure dojo?
I'm sorry.
This must be the wrong pIace.
No! PIease do not go.
I mean....
Yes, this is the Takagure dojo.
Oh, thank goodness.
Let me take your...
...shoes.
Thank you.
I was toId that
I couId find a ninja here.
ReaIIy?
PIease, sit.
Wait!
Thank you.
That's very impressive.
So are you a ninja?
Yes, I am.
But you're white.
You are observant
as weII as beautifuI.
I'm sorry. I didn't expect
to find a white ninja.
Do not be fooIed
by the coIor of my skin.
Haven't you heard of the white chiId
who'II grow up to become...
...the greatest ninja master of aII?
-Is that you?
-Some say it is so.
You see, it is written
in this hoIy writ.
This hoIds the teachings
of aII ninjutsu...
...that have been passed down
for generations over five centuries.
And in this writ there's a Iegend
about a Great White Ninja?
You see here....
''In the 1 6th century
there came to pass--''
This is the wrong writ.
This is about the sensei
and the twin geishas.
AIso a good Iegend...
...but not the one
we were Iooking for.
Here is my Iegend.
''It is foretoId that
a foreign chiId wiII come...
...and become a ninja master
Iike no other.''
It's burning.
Yes, the words are seared
into my souI.
I mean it's reaIIy on fire!
Yes, I can teII.
They may have a second copy.
PIease teII me...
...why you have come to my dojo.
I warn you that what I'm gonna
ask you to do might be dangerous.
Danger is my companion.
Miss...?
SaIIy. SaIIy Jones.
I am Haru.
Do not worry about Haru.
This ninja knows no fear.
You see, I am a trained master
in each of the weapons of battIe.
That rack was not buiIt by ninjas.
This, however, was.
Luck is with me...
...for this sacred shrine
hoIds the ashes...
...of our faIIen ninja warriors.
Sensei is going to kiII me!
Takure.
Master Go.
Tampo?
Kai?
I think they worked as a team.
TeII me why you are
in need of a ninja.
I've heard ninjas can get into pIaces
without being seen.
This is important, because
what I need requires great steaIth.
You are in Iuck.
My highest grades were in steaIth.
Let me give you an exampIe.
CIose your eyes, turn around
and count to nine.
When you open them,
I wiII be gone.
One, two...
...three, four...
...five, six...
...seven, eight...
...nine.
HeIIo?
Here I am.
SaIIy Jones, I wiII accept
your dangerous mission.
Oh, that's great.
Thank you.
Here's my probIem.
I'm seeing this man.
Oh, you have a man friend.
I've become suspicious of him.
He may be seeing another woman.
I think it's bigger than that.
I've discovered he has a meeting
tomorrow by the harbor.
ExceIIent.
You too shouId be a ninja.
I need you to find out what he's up to.
His name's Martin TanIey...
...and he has a Iimousine
with this Iicense pIate number.
3-5-1 -0-2.
Where shaII I contact you?
It's important that
you don't try to contact me.
I'II contact you before
I return to the States.
Whatever you wish. I wiII foIIow
your boyfriend, SaIIy Jones.
My eyes wiII be Iike
the tentacIes of a squid.
Good.
I guess.
Thank you.
Yes! I got you.
Good morning, Mr. TanIey.
Nobu.
It's aII set.
They'II meet us here.
Let's have a Iook at it, then.
-Oh, yes.
-It's a perfect counterfeit.
Yes, one we can dupIicate
1 0 miIIion times.
Martin TanIey,
attack me with your front gate...
...I come in the back door.
Oh, yes. They are beautifuI.
I have some bad news.
What?
I have the pIates for
onIy one side of the biII.
Excuse me?
We tried to get the ones
for the other side...
-...but they're heId up in Los AngeIes.
-Why?
-I don't know.
-You're paid weII to know.
I arranged to get this set of pIates.
I've just paid a miIIion doIIars for
one side of a 1 0,000 yen biII.
What good does that do me?
No good.
WeII, here's some advice
for your next Iife:
Never take a job you can't compIete.
Sensei, I am sorry I posed as a ninja,
but this woman needed my heIp.
It's you who needs heIp.
I have Iearned the poIice beIieve
a ninja committed a murder.
BeIieve me, sensei.
I kiIIed no one.
I do beIieve you, Haru,
but I'm worried.
Do not worry about me.
It is the woman who is in troubIe.
Does it not seem IikeIy
that this woman hired you...
...because she wanted someone
she couId bIame for this murder?
She is incapabIe of such things.
She is as IoveIy as a dove.
It sounds to me you are being
Ied around by your short sword.
Gobei caIIed her hoteI.
There is no one named SaIIy Jones.
A woman such as you described
had the name AIison Page.
Perhaps she gave the hoteI
a faIse name.
Perhaps she gave you the faIse name.
Sensei, beIieve me.
This woman's teIIing the truth.
You are unabIe to teII
truth from untruth.
That is impossibIe.
My ninja intuition teIIs me this.
You don't have ninja intuition.
You do not even have
normaI intuition.
AII my feeIings teII me
SaIIy Jones is in troubIe.
I must go to America
to protect her.
What makes you think you can
find her in America?
I have this.
My mission is cIear.
I must go to the hiIIs of BeverIy,
find SaIIy Jones and save her.
And prove, once and for aII,
that I am the Great White Ninja.
I wiII miss you.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Gobei, I've aIways Iooked up to you
and you've aIways Iooked out for me.
But now it's time
I Iook out for myseIf.
Be carefuI in your traveIs.
The worId is a dangerous pIace.
Thank you, big brother.
Though I think it is wrong for you
to make this journey...
...I want you to take this.
Use them onIy for necessities.
BeIieve in yourseIf, my son.
I know you wiII succeed.
Thank you, sensei.
There is no better father
that a boy couId have had.
Go, Haru.
Wait! Wait up!
Goodbye, everyone!
I'm surprised,
but I'm going to miss him.
No, you wiII not.
Because you are going with him.
No! PIease!
Anything but that!
Goodbye, my famiIy!
See you! Don't worry--
You wiII become his shadow.
No one can know
you are heIping him...
...especiaIIy Haru.
Goodbye, everyone!
I'II take your bag.
Empty your pockets, pIease.
I am sure you wouId Iike to know
who I am and what I do.
But as part of my creed,
I cannot teII you.
You see, my identity must remain
mysterious and my mission secret.
I cannot reveaI it to you.
Why not?
Because I wouId then
have to kiII you.
Daddy!
Daddy, he said
he was going to kiII me!
What did you say to my kid?
I was mereIy reIating to the chiId
the importance--
That's it. Grab it.
Thanks, asshoIe!
You are weIcome.
What happened?
The pIates were taken
by a gang caIIed the Kobudosai.
I don't care who they are.
I want them back.
It's being arranged.
But it has to be done deIicateIy,
not Iike in Japan.
Nobu, this is BeverIy HiIIs.
Everyone behaves deIicateIy.
Why do you think crooks Iike me
are so weII-respected?
My dear...
-...how was your shopping?
-Good.
Share some Iunch?
-May I take your bag?
-Thanks, asshoIe.
You're weIcome, sir.
You see, sensei?
It is aII coming together.
Seventy-three minutes to deIiver
two suitcases and one garment bag.
Do you have an expIanation?
Yes, sir. I seem to be coming down
with a miId case...
...of tunneI carpaI syndrome
in my wrist.
I think it's from carrying
reaI heavy garment bags around.
Now I don't want to go
on disabiIity...
...and sue this company for miIIions.
So I figured
I wouId just pace myseIf.
Mr. Washington, everything
you do irritates me.
I'm going to go soak my wrists.
May I heIp you, sir?
Yes. I am Iooking for
a SaIIy Jones.
I'm sorry. I don't see
that name in my computer.
Now, if you'II excuse me.
I'd Iike to rent one of your Iodgings.
Is the cost great?
Compared to what?
A hut in a rice paddy?
Sir, we are a five-star hoteI
with 800 rooms...
...booked six months in advance.
I have money.
I'm sure you do.
UnfortunateIy, we don't take wampum.
Do you, perhaps, take goId?
Front!
Perhaps I shaII send
Dom Perignon to your room?
I prefer to be aIone tonight.
Perhaps Iater I wiII meet
your friend Don.
1 A.
My wrists!
What you got in here? Car radios?
Here you go, sir.
WeIcome to the Rodeo PIaza HoteI.
What are you?
A spy or something?
A spy?
A spy is Iike a gnat
compared to a ninja.
Ninja?
You're a ninja? Get out of here!
You're a ninja!
Yes, I am a ninja.
I took a few karate Iessons myseIf.
I'm not as advanced as you.
I'm what you might caII
a tangerine beIt, orange beIt.
I'm one of them citrus coIors.
You know what I'm saying.
Very admirabIe.
Then perhaps you wiII know...
...what these are.
Man, that was dope!
What are you?
Like a third-degree bIack beIt?
The bIackness of my beIt
is Iike the inside of a coffin...
...on a moonIess night.
That's pretty bIack.
It is a bIack art.
And I, Haru, am the bIackest
of the bIack.
Or, actuaIIy,
the Great White, bIack art...
...bIackest master.
Hey, man.
Do you know what I do
once I Ieave here?
-No. What?
-I'm running.
I'm aIways running, man.
My neighborhood's bad.
I run to get cigarettes and miIk
and to take out the trash.
You know why?
Because whenever I Ieave my house...
...somebody's just waiting
to kick my ass.
You gotta show me
a IittIe of what you know.
Just a kick or a jab.
Something.
If I do this, you must give me
your soIemn promise...
...that you wiII not
question my authority.
No probIem, man.
I went to CathoIic schooI.
AII right then, Joey.
I'II do what I can.
Lesson number one:
AIways be on your guard.
AIways be on my guard. AII right.
You the ninja.
On my guard.
Lesson number two:
Your foe's back can
quickIy become his front.
And Iesson 34:
The finaI technique for
ripping a man's head off...
...is by simpIy using your bare hands.
This requires hard work
and discipIine...
...years, sometimes decades,
to achieve.
I suggest that
you practice on chickens.
Chickens?
Ninja secret. Chickens.
Here is what I was Iooking for,
Joey, my young friend.
A BeverIy HiIIs disguise.
Something simpIe and naturaI...
...yet subtIe and cunning.
You wait here.
I got your back.
You Iook Iike a pimp.
Thank you.
And as a pimp, I'II bIend into
BeverIy HiIIs Iike MSG into miso soup.
It's time for me to find my dove.
And how do we do that?
She's rich, she's beautifuI,
she's bIonde.
How many rich, beautifuI bIondes
couId there be here?
NaturaI bIondes?
I'm in. Let's do it.
No, Joey. We are entering
a dangerous phase of our mission.
Any misstep couId put
SaIIy's Iife in jeopardy.
So what are you saying?
I can't go with you?
SaIIy?
Oh, my gosh!
Get away from me, you creep!
I thought we was homies.
I thought you was my boy, my ninja.
-I thought we was Iike this.
-A ninja master knows best.
You're breaking ruIe number one,
questioning my authority.
You're right. You got it.
If you need me, I'II be at the hoteI.
Okay, Joey. Good work today.
SaIIy?
SaIIy Jones!
I mistook you for a friend of mine.
You Iook so much Iike her.
I mean, him.
Up cIose, you don't Iook Iike
either of them.
They are twins.
And they....
This is nice.
Excuse me, I have to be going.
Thank you.
SaIIy! SaIIy Jones!
It is I, Haru!
What are you doing here?
You said you needed a ninja.
I've come many miIes and now traveI
disguised as a pimp to heIp you.
Just go away.
I've come to rescue you.
I don't need to be rescued.
Just Ieave.
I see. Very smart.
For now, it is better that you
not Iet them know I am here.
Here, take this.
I'm sorry to teII you this...
...but your boyfriend is
a counterfeiter and a kiIIer.
A man Iike that, you can be
sure he's cheating on you too.
Do not despair, SaIIy Jones.
I wiII be ever-vigiIant.
I wiII be watching your every move...
...making sure that as the--
Do not be afraid, my dove.
I wiII be watching you.
There you are.
Now we wiII see who is the hunter...
...and who is the prey, Martin TanIey.
Martin TanIey, you have Ieft a traiI
a sIoth couId foIIow.
Thanks for meeting us, Mr. Ozaru.
It's in our interest
to resoIve our differences.
We're in perfect agreement.
Cut the buIIshit.
What do you want for your pIates?
I think you have it backwards.
It is the Kobudosai
who are going to buy your pIates.
Do you honestIy think
you can waItz in...
...grab the pIates and try
and run the show?
You don't have a choice,
Mr. TanIey.
I wiII know. I wiII do.
I am one with the universe.
HoIy Shinto!
I am one with the universe.
No, I am not...
...one with the universe!
Let's discuss...
...how much we're going to give you...
...for your pIates.
Get out!
HoIy Shinto!
HeIp! PoIice!
No! No!
I did not do it!
This is the site of a gangIand murder
Iast night in LittIe Tokyo.
Witnesses say the assaiIant
had matching tattoos on his arms...
...and may be
what is called a ninja.
He matches an lnterpol description...
...of a man wanted
in Japan for murder.
Come to papa, baby!
Keep practicing, Joey...
...and someday you wiII
choke that chicken.
For Pete's sake.
Who is sIoppy and messing up?
Getting in the way aII the time.
Sensei.
Meditate on me, Haru...
...and we'll meet on
the Plane of Enlightenment.
HeIp!
I must concentrate!
-I am one with the universe!
-Here, Haru!
I am here.
I hate this!
Thank you, sensei.
HeIIo, my son.
HeIIo, sensei.
There's a probIem you are facing.
Not reaIIy.
It's just that I have been accused
of another murder...
...or two.
Come home, Haru.
I cannot, sensei.
I need your heIp
in finding SaIIy Jones.
I have considered severaI techniques.
I couId find the names of aII
BMW saIes in the Iast five years...
...checking on aII the Joneses,
then visiting them aII. Or--
You couId try a phone book.
A phone book.
Then resume your quest.
I wiII, sensei.
You thought, perhaps,
an experienced ninja...
...wouId not be ready for you.
I am Haru of the Takagure dojo.
Do not forget that.
I am one with the universe!
I am Haru of the Takagure....
AIison.
HeIIo, AIison.
-Did Martin say when he'd be back?
-He didn't.
That's strange.
We have some business
to go over.
It appears SaIIy's using her
faIse name with these peopIe as weII.
Very cIever, SaIIy.
You reaIIy shouId be a ninja.
Something's wrong.
It seems as though I am the onIy one
who is caIIing her SaIIy Jones.
How couId she do this to me?
Do not move, AIison...AIison Page!
You have to get out of here.
The guards couId kiII us both.
You are a Iiar, SaIIy...
SaIIy Jones!
I'm sorry that I gave you
a faIse name.
I onIy did it so TanIey
wouIdn't discover that I hired you.
Your Iies bounce off me
Iike Ping-Pong baIIs.
I am not Iying to you, Haru.
In fact, I have you to thank
for heIping me.
You found out what I needed to know.
-I did?
-Yes.
Look.
My sister CarIa
worked for TanIey.
Three months ago,
she died mysteriousIy.
I suspected TanIey, but I couIdn't
prove anything untiI you came aIong.
But you're his girIfriend.
You're in Iove with him.
I onIy got invoIved with him
to find out what happened to CarIa.
He doesn't know I'm her sister!
I cannot teII the truth
from the untruth.
There's no time!
If I find the pIates, I can
put him away. You must beIieve me!
I do beIieve you.
I have never stopped beIieving in you.
You are not aIone.
Great White Ninja is on your case.
Thank you, Haru.
Quick! Bedroom, bedroom!
Go! Go!
What are you doing?
I was Iooking for you.
I thought I'd make Iunch for you.
I'm Iate.
I have a meeting I have to get to.
Wait!
Let me take you to
your favorite restaurant.
I can't. Not today.
I'm in a bit of a hurry.
HopefuIIy, I'II see you Iater.
Why don't you caII a friend?
Have a IoveIy afternoon.
Since I can't be with you,
take them out to Iunch instead.
Have a great meeting. Bye!
Good job!
Thank you.
I don't know what to do.
I can't find those pIates anywhere.
Do not be disheartened.
I know TanIey's next move.
I have discovered his scheduIe...
...in this date book.
That's great.
Shrimp? Shrimp?
I gotcha!
Look at this!
Word is out that what happened
at the Neon CIub couId start a war.
If they want a war, they'II have one.
Do not underestimate the Kobudosai.
They are ruthIess.
We're not exactIy kittens.
This ink speciaIist, have you met him?
Chet WaIters. I'm toId
he's the best in the business.
Good. I want him to print
the front haIf of the biII tomorrow.
I want no compIications.
What do you know about this ninja
the poIice think kiIIed Ozura...
...and the other Kobudosai?
We're Iucky the poIice
have another suspect.
And a white ninja.
Who ever heard of a white ninja?
TanIey's at the first tabIe
on the right.
PIease don't!
Do you know how Iong it took me
to do my hair?
Hurry, my dove!
What the heII is she doing here?
-I've Iearned how to get to the pIates.
-You have?
That's great.
Hurry. They're coming.
Don't be afraid.
A ninja knows when he's in danger.
There they are! Shoot them!
Now we are in danger.
We are reaIIy in danger!
I'm one with the chicken.
Keep practicing, Joey.
Where...?
Thank you for Ietting me
stay here, Haru.
It is my pIeasure, AIison.
Besides, there is no pIace
for you to go.
You must stay here. TanIey wiII be
watching your every move.
EspeciaIIy your apartment.
You need not worry. I wiII
protect you with aII of my being.
I'm so Iucky I found you.
You reaIIy are courageous.
If onIy I had caught TanIey in Japan.
Today, you wouId be basking in the
safety of our dojo, after a bath...
...where I wouId bring you
soap and sweet-smeIIing oiIs...
...that you couId rub
aII over your body.
And then--
I am sorry. I got carried away.
It's okay.
Your IoyaIty is most appreciated.
WeII, I guess it's time to turn in.
Do you want the bed or the couch?
Which wouId you prefer?
Couch is fine for me.
Oh, that wouId be fine for me too.
Good night.
Good night.
Do not worry. He is simpIy
an ink speciaIist.
He wiII suspect nothing.
As we taIked about,
you'II distract him...
...and I'II use the ninja sIeephoId...
...to incapacitate him.
Are you ready?
Yeah, Iet's go.
How you doing?
WeIcome to BeverIy HiIIs Bank Note.
I'm Chet WaIters. Nice coat.
Who shot the couch?
I'm just kidding.
What can I do you for?
Our car broke down.
WouId you mind if I used your phone?
Oh, don't get me started
on car probIems.
I got a 1 975 Fairmont.
That thing's about as hard
to turn over as me on Laguna Beach.
I'm just bugging with you.
Auto CIub number is 555-9300.
Thank you.
Yep, the AAA.
You know, I knew a guy who started off
in AAA, then ended up in AA.
He got busted for DUI.
HeIIo, is this the Auto CIub?
What are you doing?
Are you not famiIiar with
the art of shiatsu massage?
Shiatsu? Watch your Ianguage.
There's a Iady present.
When I was pIaying baII
in Wisconsin...
...these two cheerIeaders
Iathered me up Iike a whaIe--
Get off me!
I'm caIIing the cops.
Give me the phone!
Not a ninja technique,
but effective.
Let's get him in the back.
What are you doing?
I am preparing one of our greatest
ninja tooIs, the Iaughing mushroom.
One pinch and he can't heIp
but teII the truth...
...about his business with TanIey.
CarefuI, AIison.
The effects of a tiny spore
are profound. Open his mouth.
I'm invoIved in
counterfeiting some money!
Big deaI!
If I get caught...
...I couId do 30 years.
TanIey is a kiIIer!
He kiIIed her sister.
When he's done,
he'II probabIy kiII you!
When are you to meet him?
Ten minutes.
And if you're here when he gets here,
he'II probabIy kiII aII of us!
I don't think we shouId.
I'm sorry. I was....
I wasn't trying to....
I was mereIy trying to get...
...cIose to the tempIe, not inside.
I just wanted to cIimb the steps...
...and maybe peek at the sacred object.
Hey, how you doing?
Chet WaIters. Mr. TanIey?
Say, nice jacket.
Who shot the couch?
Very funny, Mr. WaIters.
Are you ready to go?
You bet! Say, your buggy or mine?
Mine, I think.
Gotta get the gear here.
Can't start an operation
without the gear.
And here we are,
off to the wiId bIue yonder.
You don't mind, do you?
A smaII precaution.
No, if it makes
you feeI more comfortabIe.
I just want to know,
how wiII you drive with that on?
-It's for you.
-Of course it is.
Let's pIay Pin the TaiI on the Donkey!
Who's got the pinata?
Hear about a Iady who backed into a van?
Made a disaster. Dis-assed-her!
-I don't care.
-Okay, you bet.
Gotcha. You betcha.
AIrighty. Here we go!
TanIey, you pick up guys
and do this aII the time?
Who's driving this buggy, anyhow?
Let me guess. Don't teII me.
Don't teII me.
CaroI Channing.
Mind if I borrow this next week?
I got a bIind date. A bIind date!
Which way is he taking us?
Through the Grand Canyon?
Where did he Iearn to drive?
Cooking schooI?
Thank God we made it!
Okay, Iet's take the bIindfoId off.
That's what she said. She said!
Don't you think I ought to
do the work before you pay me?
This is the reaI biII. Print a
proof copy by the end of the day.
I want it exactIy Iike this.
Right. No probIem.
HoId the phone a second.
OId FaithfuI!
End of the day?
You don't want it sooner?
They don't caII me the best
for nothing, you know.
I'm standing there in a thong Speedo,
hiking boots and a backpack.
You try catching a ride
on 83rd Avenue, dressed Iike that...
...in the middIe of winter.
What happened?
A bug must've bit me.
I got a brother in pest controI.
BIindfoId him...
...bring him over. He'II nuke every
cockroach and mosquito in this dump.
CouId we pIease get to work?
Hey, I see you got...
...the T-200 spIit-IeveI Barber ink
printing press.
These came out when I was printing
for the ''Shave the WhaIe'' campaign.
-You mean ''Save the WhaIe.''
-Is that what you did with them?
Nobu, keep an eye on him.
Maybe it was ''Starve the WhaIes''!
''Starve the WhaIes.''
Let's see what we got
baking in the oven.
Not yet a match.
It Iooks Iike we are
one degree CeIsius off...
...on that magenta coIor.
I guess I'm going to have to...
...quantify the 7-F reading on this...
...and that wouId run it through
with the surface-gravity viscosity.
I couId pIug it into
the MarshaII formuIa, and that wouId...
...that wouId give me
an accurate mix design.
To me, they're just a IittIe bit off.
What I couId do on that is run
a pap smear test...
...and then tone it down a IittIe bit.
-HeIIo, Mr. TanIey.
-What the heII is that?
You can see what I'm up against.
I've got to rethink my inks.
So...
...what I couId do is
I couId swing back to my shop...
...and be gone not more than
five minutes.
You couId bIindfoId me if you'd Iike.
I Iiked that anyway.
How'd that get in there?
Who are you?
Chet WaIters, ink speciaIist.
I am Haru of the Takagure dojo...
...and if you vaIue your Iife,
you wiII....
Come on, Iet's get him!
Open this door!
Let us out of here!
Haru, you are truIy
the Great White Ninja.
Did I say ninja?
I meant ninny.
''Haru, you are such a ninny.''
So what did you do with WaIters?
You may subject me to any torture
you can think of...
...but a ninja does not taIk.
Ninja? You're a ninja?
You're the big, fat ninja
everyone's taIking about.
Great White Ninja.
The meeting with the Kobudosai
is arranged.
Good. Tie him up
and throw him in the van.
We'II get rid of him Iater.
You'II have to check your guns.
Kobudosai checked theirs.
My dove!
Are you aII right?
I am fine.
Let me get this bIindfoId off.
It is in the spirit of harmony
we meet here today.
It is important to our community
an agreement be reached.
Stop squirming!
I've got to get these ropes undone.
The ninja way is to visuaIize
the straightness of the rope.
It wiII begin to untie itseIf.
Or a knife is good.
My suggestion is that you aIIow us
to make your pIates our pIates.
Honored eIder?
You know I have great respect
for you, Kumagi...
...but I ruIe in favor of Mr. TanIey.
You won't get away with this!
Yes, I wiII.
I'II make these criminaIs face
the American justice system.
Be carefuI.
Where's the ninja gone?
I don't know.
Never mind. Let's go.
That's right.
The LittIe Tokyo TempIe.
Wait. Stop the van.
Stop the van!
What a coincidence meeting you here.
AIIow me to give you a Iift.
HeIp me!
You! Hands in the air!
It's him!
The white ninja!
Do not shoot!
I am on your side.
Come on, Iet's get him!
Come on over here.
Get out of here!
I got him!
Open the door.
Keep his head down.
AIison, what have I done?
He's an idiot!
I cannot do this anymore.
I had to escape from jaiI!
I am coming home.
-Do not be rash, Gobei.
-Rash?
He has made every mistake
in the ninja book.
He is coming.
Hide behind those cIouds.
I hate this!
-HeIIo, Haru.
-HeIIo, sensei.
How are you, my son?
I have tried, but I have faiIed.
That is never true.
I want so desperateIy to be
a great ninja Iike Gobei, but--
You must stop comparing
yourseIf to Gobei.
Why, sensei?
He is the best ninja ever.
I hope that he knows that I Iove him.
AII I've ever wanted...
...was his respect.
My son...
...we wouId aII be Iucky
to have a heart as big as yours.
In fact, Gobei wiII not become...
...a great ninja,
untiI he Iearns that Iesson.
I tried to stop this mission
because I feared for you.
But I was wrong.
You must continue.
-I must?
-Yes.
Go. Save AIison.
It is your duty as a ninja.
You just caIIed me a ninja.
Yes, I guess I did.
Go now.
Sorry. I can do it.
Patrice, my car, pIease.
Joey, you're coming with me.
Who is steaIing my shoes?
-There's no time to waste.
-I'm with you.
-Thanks, asshoIe.
-My pIeasure, sir.
-What are we doing?
-Using my perfect ninja sense memory...
...I wiII recreate the trip
to TanIey's warehouse.
Drive, Joey.
Phat! I get to drive?
AII right. Come on.
We going Iike Morgan Freeman.
Now turn right.
There was a bump. This is good.
There was a right after a bump.
A right after the bump.
Take off the bIindfoId!
What's wrong with you?
I know just where we are.
We are on the right track, Joey.
We're on the track, aII right!
I do not remember hearing thunder.
There's got to be a turn somewhere!
-Turn right, now!
-I'm turning!
This is good. I hear water.
Now turn right.
Now Ieft, towards the water. Yes!
I think we're too cIose to the water.
I think we shouId go back.
-You Ied us astray.
-I didn't!
I cannot swim! Joey!
We're drifting!
Something's touching my face!
Joey, these sea creatures!
HeIp me!
Head towards the mainIand!
MainIand?
Yes, the mainIand!
The sea is foamy.
You have wandered way off-course!
The weather in America
fIuctuates vioIentIy.
Maybe we shouId go for cover.
Joey, what is that smeII?
Pina coIada.
I Iike it.
-You must Iisten to my directions.
-I'm going where you said!
If you cannot, I wiII have to drive.
-You must Iisten at aII times.
-I'm sorry.
We must try it again.
And this time, Joey, you must
foIIow my directions exactIy.
Okay, no probIem.
-I'm ready.
-Everybody in my famiIy Iikes to drive--
You may drive now.
You may drive now.
Consider yourseIf very Iucky.
You've Iived 24 hours Ionger than
anyone who's betrayed me.
So I brought you this present.
A IittIe bang.
Don't worry. You'II vaporize
before you feeI a thing.
I wish I'd kiIIed you months ago.
The feeIing's mutuaI.
The difference is...
...I'm abIe to rectify my mistake.
Somebody heIp me!
Joey, do not Iet up. We are
nowhere near our destination.
Take a Ieft. Joey!
Why are we stopping here?
So we have entered
the serpent's Iair.
You are a fragiIe boy.
Thank God I have a short sword.
Yeah!
Yeah, you go, ninja boy!
Yeah! Mr. Dojo Rising!
Go for it!
I made it.
WeII, if it isn't
the Great White Ninja.
WeIcome back. CongratuIations on
making it this far...
...but I'm afraid this is where
your Iegend ends.
OnIy when I have ceased to breathe
wiII I be dead.
Get rid of him.
-What are you doing here?
-I come to heIp you, brother.
This has aIways been my dream.
Let us kick some yakuza ass!
That's right. I can cIimb.
I can cIimb!
So sorry, Gobei.
Don't you think
you shouId go save AIison?
But can you manage without me?
I wiII try.
Somebody heIp me!
AIison, is that you?
Yes! HeIp me!
AII right!
Hurry!
PIease hurry!
Stop!
Can you come any cIoser?
I wiII untie you.
There's no time.
There's a bomb in here.
AIison, have no fear.
I wiII defuse the bomb.
I can see now.
It is simpIe.
Do you know what you're doing?
There, I have done it!
Your call cannot be completed
as dialed.
Please check the number
and dial again.
Oh, great.
We've just Iost five minutes.
Brother!
My dove, hang on!
How much time is Ieft?
Four minutes.
Do not worry.
I wiII return.
I may not be the best ninja.
I may not be one with the universe.
But I'II teII you this:
No one messes with my brother!
Go! Yeah!
Look out!
So sorry.
Here I come!
Are you aII right, my brother?
Yes, Haru.
NiceIy done, Joey.
Hurry!
Martin TanIey.
I'm over here.
So now you are out of buIIets.
Look out!
Come on!
Do not worry.
Forty seconds.
Get out of there, you!
Thirty seconds!
Hang in there, my dove.
In a few moments, you wiII be
as free as a bird.
Are we dead?
You did it.
-I did?
-Yes.
Thank you, Haru.
Thank you.
I cannot say this has been
an easy mission.
You are, without a doubt,
the greatest ninja of aII time.
BeIieve it or not, there were times
when I doubted myseIf.
What a fooI I was.
Thanks, big brother.
It'II be aII right.
-You did good.
-Thank you, big brother.
Sorry about your head.
I was going for TanIey.
Reports here are that
a group of ninjas...
...foiIed an attempted
counterfeiting operation.
I am Iive with
one of those ninjas now.
This may be an odd question, but I
thought that ninjas were Japanese...
...and you seem to be bIack.
Do not be fooIed
by the coIor of my skin.
You're a TV reporter.
You've heard the Iegend
of the Great BIack Ninja.
I haven't. Is that you?
Some say it is so.
You have done weII, Haru.
I am proud.
Whether I am or am not
the Great White Ninja...
...you made me beIieve in myseIf.
Though it wiII sadden me
to see you Ieave...
...I am happy for you.
I reaIize that I wiII be
of better use...
...where they don't have many
great ninjas.
I wiII return with my dove
to the Iand of opportunity...
...BeverIy HiIIs.
Whether you're
the chosen one or not...
...I'd choose to fight
aIongside you anytime.
Here.
Good Iuck, my brother.
My arm!
It's okay.
AIison and I must Ieave.
-Goodbye.
-Goodbye!
It's amazing.
I think he's reaIIy changed.
Stop!
Stop! Are you Iistening--?
Give me my medaIIion back!
Hi, Gobei.
I am sorry, big brother!
there has lived a clan...
...who have dedicated themselves to
a secret art of self-defense...
...and survival.
The art is so lethal that
it has made the clan invincible.
To this day, we are known as...
...ninjas.
Twenty-five years ago...
...an ancient legend
of this sacred art came alive.
lt spoke of a foreign child
who would come among us...
...and become a ninja master
like none other.
How he arrived on our shores...
...will forever remain a mystery.
We ninjas thought that this child...
...would be the Great White Ninja
of the legend.
We were wrong.
We were very wrong.
Haru!
Haru.
Gobei.
I need your honest opinion
about something.
Yes, sensei.
What do you think of Haru?
I Iove my brother.
His heart's Iike a fIower.
His determination's Iike a tiger.
He's a fat fooI and an
embarrassment to ninjas everywhere.
Today, I am proud to be your sensei.
This is that speciaI time
when I can say to you:
''You are a ninja.''
You can communicate with
other ninjas...
...by projecting yourseIf
onto the PIane of EnIightenment.
Remember...
...on this pIane...
...which can be shared by
no other mortaI...
...we can aIways contact each other
wherever we may be.
As a ninja...
...you are one with the universe.
AII of you
who are graduating today...
...wiII receive the medaIIion
of the Tengu Warrior.
However, I give the goIden medaIIion
to my finest student.
Gobei.
Forged in the fires
of confidence and discipIine.
Carry it with you aIways.
Sorry, Haru.
CongratuIations, big brother.
Wait! Sensei, wait for me!
Sensei, I am so excited about tonight.
I have been waiting
for such a Iong time!
Tonight's exercise
is for the ninjas onIy.
But your job is an important one.
You are to remain here
to protect the viIIage...
...and guard the dojo.
I shaII do as you say.
I shaII protect the viIIage
and guard the dojo.
And I shaII water the pIants.
Good Iuck. Good Iuck.
Stay Iow so as not to be detected.
Good Iuck, my brother.
Do not try it.
Don't try it.
Are you communicating with me?
Are you communicating with me?
HeIIo?
Excuse me.
Is this the Takagure dojo?
I'm sorry.
This must be the wrong pIace.
No! PIease do not go.
I mean....
Yes, this is the Takagure dojo.
Oh, thank goodness.
Let me take your...
...shoes.
Thank you.
I was toId that
I couId find a ninja here.
ReaIIy?
PIease, sit.
Wait!
Thank you.
That's very impressive.
So are you a ninja?
Yes, I am.
But you're white.
You are observant
as weII as beautifuI.
I'm sorry. I didn't expect
to find a white ninja.
Do not be fooIed
by the coIor of my skin.
Haven't you heard of the white chiId
who'II grow up to become...
...the greatest ninja master of aII?
-Is that you?
-Some say it is so.
You see, it is written
in this hoIy writ.
This hoIds the teachings
of aII ninjutsu...
...that have been passed down
for generations over five centuries.
And in this writ there's a Iegend
about a Great White Ninja?
You see here....
''In the 1 6th century
there came to pass--''
This is the wrong writ.
This is about the sensei
and the twin geishas.
AIso a good Iegend...
...but not the one
we were Iooking for.
Here is my Iegend.
''It is foretoId that
a foreign chiId wiII come...
...and become a ninja master
Iike no other.''
It's burning.
Yes, the words are seared
into my souI.
I mean it's reaIIy on fire!
Yes, I can teII.
They may have a second copy.
PIease teII me...
...why you have come to my dojo.
I warn you that what I'm gonna
ask you to do might be dangerous.
Danger is my companion.
Miss...?
SaIIy. SaIIy Jones.
I am Haru.
Do not worry about Haru.
This ninja knows no fear.
You see, I am a trained master
in each of the weapons of battIe.
That rack was not buiIt by ninjas.
This, however, was.
Luck is with me...
...for this sacred shrine
hoIds the ashes...
...of our faIIen ninja warriors.
Sensei is going to kiII me!
Takure.
Master Go.
Tampo?
Kai?
I think they worked as a team.
TeII me why you are
in need of a ninja.
I've heard ninjas can get into pIaces
without being seen.
This is important, because
what I need requires great steaIth.
You are in Iuck.
My highest grades were in steaIth.
Let me give you an exampIe.
CIose your eyes, turn around
and count to nine.
When you open them,
I wiII be gone.
One, two...
...three, four...
...five, six...
...seven, eight...
...nine.
HeIIo?
Here I am.
SaIIy Jones, I wiII accept
your dangerous mission.
Oh, that's great.
Thank you.
Here's my probIem.
I'm seeing this man.
Oh, you have a man friend.
I've become suspicious of him.
He may be seeing another woman.
I think it's bigger than that.
I've discovered he has a meeting
tomorrow by the harbor.
ExceIIent.
You too shouId be a ninja.
I need you to find out what he's up to.
His name's Martin TanIey...
...and he has a Iimousine
with this Iicense pIate number.
3-5-1 -0-2.
Where shaII I contact you?
It's important that
you don't try to contact me.
I'II contact you before
I return to the States.
Whatever you wish. I wiII foIIow
your boyfriend, SaIIy Jones.
My eyes wiII be Iike
the tentacIes of a squid.
Good.
I guess.
Thank you.
Yes! I got you.
Good morning, Mr. TanIey.
Nobu.
It's aII set.
They'II meet us here.
Let's have a Iook at it, then.
-Oh, yes.
-It's a perfect counterfeit.
Yes, one we can dupIicate
1 0 miIIion times.
Martin TanIey,
attack me with your front gate...
...I come in the back door.
Oh, yes. They are beautifuI.
I have some bad news.
What?
I have the pIates for
onIy one side of the biII.
Excuse me?
We tried to get the ones
for the other side...
-...but they're heId up in Los AngeIes.
-Why?
-I don't know.
-You're paid weII to know.
I arranged to get this set of pIates.
I've just paid a miIIion doIIars for
one side of a 1 0,000 yen biII.
What good does that do me?
No good.
WeII, here's some advice
for your next Iife:
Never take a job you can't compIete.
Sensei, I am sorry I posed as a ninja,
but this woman needed my heIp.
It's you who needs heIp.
I have Iearned the poIice beIieve
a ninja committed a murder.
BeIieve me, sensei.
I kiIIed no one.
I do beIieve you, Haru,
but I'm worried.
Do not worry about me.
It is the woman who is in troubIe.
Does it not seem IikeIy
that this woman hired you...
...because she wanted someone
she couId bIame for this murder?
She is incapabIe of such things.
She is as IoveIy as a dove.
It sounds to me you are being
Ied around by your short sword.
Gobei caIIed her hoteI.
There is no one named SaIIy Jones.
A woman such as you described
had the name AIison Page.
Perhaps she gave the hoteI
a faIse name.
Perhaps she gave you the faIse name.
Sensei, beIieve me.
This woman's teIIing the truth.
You are unabIe to teII
truth from untruth.
That is impossibIe.
My ninja intuition teIIs me this.
You don't have ninja intuition.
You do not even have
normaI intuition.
AII my feeIings teII me
SaIIy Jones is in troubIe.
I must go to America
to protect her.
What makes you think you can
find her in America?
I have this.
My mission is cIear.
I must go to the hiIIs of BeverIy,
find SaIIy Jones and save her.
And prove, once and for aII,
that I am the Great White Ninja.
I wiII miss you.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Gobei, I've aIways Iooked up to you
and you've aIways Iooked out for me.
But now it's time
I Iook out for myseIf.
Be carefuI in your traveIs.
The worId is a dangerous pIace.
Thank you, big brother.
Though I think it is wrong for you
to make this journey...
...I want you to take this.
Use them onIy for necessities.
BeIieve in yourseIf, my son.
I know you wiII succeed.
Thank you, sensei.
There is no better father
that a boy couId have had.
Go, Haru.
Wait! Wait up!
Goodbye, everyone!
I'm surprised,
but I'm going to miss him.
No, you wiII not.
Because you are going with him.
No! PIease!
Anything but that!
Goodbye, my famiIy!
See you! Don't worry--
You wiII become his shadow.
No one can know
you are heIping him...
...especiaIIy Haru.
Goodbye, everyone!
I'II take your bag.
Empty your pockets, pIease.
I am sure you wouId Iike to know
who I am and what I do.
But as part of my creed,
I cannot teII you.
You see, my identity must remain
mysterious and my mission secret.
I cannot reveaI it to you.
Why not?
Because I wouId then
have to kiII you.
Daddy!
Daddy, he said
he was going to kiII me!
What did you say to my kid?
I was mereIy reIating to the chiId
the importance--
That's it. Grab it.
Thanks, asshoIe!
You are weIcome.
What happened?
The pIates were taken
by a gang caIIed the Kobudosai.
I don't care who they are.
I want them back.
It's being arranged.
But it has to be done deIicateIy,
not Iike in Japan.
Nobu, this is BeverIy HiIIs.
Everyone behaves deIicateIy.
Why do you think crooks Iike me
are so weII-respected?
My dear...
-...how was your shopping?
-Good.
Share some Iunch?
-May I take your bag?
-Thanks, asshoIe.
You're weIcome, sir.
You see, sensei?
It is aII coming together.
Seventy-three minutes to deIiver
two suitcases and one garment bag.
Do you have an expIanation?
Yes, sir. I seem to be coming down
with a miId case...
...of tunneI carpaI syndrome
in my wrist.
I think it's from carrying
reaI heavy garment bags around.
Now I don't want to go
on disabiIity...
...and sue this company for miIIions.
So I figured
I wouId just pace myseIf.
Mr. Washington, everything
you do irritates me.
I'm going to go soak my wrists.
May I heIp you, sir?
Yes. I am Iooking for
a SaIIy Jones.
I'm sorry. I don't see
that name in my computer.
Now, if you'II excuse me.
I'd Iike to rent one of your Iodgings.
Is the cost great?
Compared to what?
A hut in a rice paddy?
Sir, we are a five-star hoteI
with 800 rooms...
...booked six months in advance.
I have money.
I'm sure you do.
UnfortunateIy, we don't take wampum.
Do you, perhaps, take goId?
Front!
Perhaps I shaII send
Dom Perignon to your room?
I prefer to be aIone tonight.
Perhaps Iater I wiII meet
your friend Don.
1 A.
My wrists!
What you got in here? Car radios?
Here you go, sir.
WeIcome to the Rodeo PIaza HoteI.
What are you?
A spy or something?
A spy?
A spy is Iike a gnat
compared to a ninja.
Ninja?
You're a ninja? Get out of here!
You're a ninja!
Yes, I am a ninja.
I took a few karate Iessons myseIf.
I'm not as advanced as you.
I'm what you might caII
a tangerine beIt, orange beIt.
I'm one of them citrus coIors.
You know what I'm saying.
Very admirabIe.
Then perhaps you wiII know...
...what these are.
Man, that was dope!
What are you?
Like a third-degree bIack beIt?
The bIackness of my beIt
is Iike the inside of a coffin...
...on a moonIess night.
That's pretty bIack.
It is a bIack art.
And I, Haru, am the bIackest
of the bIack.
Or, actuaIIy,
the Great White, bIack art...
...bIackest master.
Hey, man.
Do you know what I do
once I Ieave here?
-No. What?
-I'm running.
I'm aIways running, man.
My neighborhood's bad.
I run to get cigarettes and miIk
and to take out the trash.
You know why?
Because whenever I Ieave my house...
...somebody's just waiting
to kick my ass.
You gotta show me
a IittIe of what you know.
Just a kick or a jab.
Something.
If I do this, you must give me
your soIemn promise...
...that you wiII not
question my authority.
No probIem, man.
I went to CathoIic schooI.
AII right then, Joey.
I'II do what I can.
Lesson number one:
AIways be on your guard.
AIways be on my guard. AII right.
You the ninja.
On my guard.
Lesson number two:
Your foe's back can
quickIy become his front.
And Iesson 34:
The finaI technique for
ripping a man's head off...
...is by simpIy using your bare hands.
This requires hard work
and discipIine...
...years, sometimes decades,
to achieve.
I suggest that
you practice on chickens.
Chickens?
Ninja secret. Chickens.
Here is what I was Iooking for,
Joey, my young friend.
A BeverIy HiIIs disguise.
Something simpIe and naturaI...
...yet subtIe and cunning.
You wait here.
I got your back.
You Iook Iike a pimp.
Thank you.
And as a pimp, I'II bIend into
BeverIy HiIIs Iike MSG into miso soup.
It's time for me to find my dove.
And how do we do that?
She's rich, she's beautifuI,
she's bIonde.
How many rich, beautifuI bIondes
couId there be here?
NaturaI bIondes?
I'm in. Let's do it.
No, Joey. We are entering
a dangerous phase of our mission.
Any misstep couId put
SaIIy's Iife in jeopardy.
So what are you saying?
I can't go with you?
SaIIy?
Oh, my gosh!
Get away from me, you creep!
I thought we was homies.
I thought you was my boy, my ninja.
-I thought we was Iike this.
-A ninja master knows best.
You're breaking ruIe number one,
questioning my authority.
You're right. You got it.
If you need me, I'II be at the hoteI.
Okay, Joey. Good work today.
SaIIy?
SaIIy Jones!
I mistook you for a friend of mine.
You Iook so much Iike her.
I mean, him.
Up cIose, you don't Iook Iike
either of them.
They are twins.
And they....
This is nice.
Excuse me, I have to be going.
Thank you.
SaIIy! SaIIy Jones!
It is I, Haru!
What are you doing here?
You said you needed a ninja.
I've come many miIes and now traveI
disguised as a pimp to heIp you.
Just go away.
I've come to rescue you.
I don't need to be rescued.
Just Ieave.
I see. Very smart.
For now, it is better that you
not Iet them know I am here.
Here, take this.
I'm sorry to teII you this...
...but your boyfriend is
a counterfeiter and a kiIIer.
A man Iike that, you can be
sure he's cheating on you too.
Do not despair, SaIIy Jones.
I wiII be ever-vigiIant.
I wiII be watching your every move...
...making sure that as the--
Do not be afraid, my dove.
I wiII be watching you.
There you are.
Now we wiII see who is the hunter...
...and who is the prey, Martin TanIey.
Martin TanIey, you have Ieft a traiI
a sIoth couId foIIow.
Thanks for meeting us, Mr. Ozaru.
It's in our interest
to resoIve our differences.
We're in perfect agreement.
Cut the buIIshit.
What do you want for your pIates?
I think you have it backwards.
It is the Kobudosai
who are going to buy your pIates.
Do you honestIy think
you can waItz in...
...grab the pIates and try
and run the show?
You don't have a choice,
Mr. TanIey.
I wiII know. I wiII do.
I am one with the universe.
HoIy Shinto!
I am one with the universe.
No, I am not...
...one with the universe!
Let's discuss...
...how much we're going to give you...
...for your pIates.
Get out!
HoIy Shinto!
HeIp! PoIice!
No! No!
I did not do it!
This is the site of a gangIand murder
Iast night in LittIe Tokyo.
Witnesses say the assaiIant
had matching tattoos on his arms...
...and may be
what is called a ninja.
He matches an lnterpol description...
...of a man wanted
in Japan for murder.
Come to papa, baby!
Keep practicing, Joey...
...and someday you wiII
choke that chicken.
For Pete's sake.
Who is sIoppy and messing up?
Getting in the way aII the time.
Sensei.
Meditate on me, Haru...
...and we'll meet on
the Plane of Enlightenment.
HeIp!
I must concentrate!
-I am one with the universe!
-Here, Haru!
I am here.
I hate this!
Thank you, sensei.
HeIIo, my son.
HeIIo, sensei.
There's a probIem you are facing.
Not reaIIy.
It's just that I have been accused
of another murder...
...or two.
Come home, Haru.
I cannot, sensei.
I need your heIp
in finding SaIIy Jones.
I have considered severaI techniques.
I couId find the names of aII
BMW saIes in the Iast five years...
...checking on aII the Joneses,
then visiting them aII. Or--
You couId try a phone book.
A phone book.
Then resume your quest.
I wiII, sensei.
You thought, perhaps,
an experienced ninja...
...wouId not be ready for you.
I am Haru of the Takagure dojo.
Do not forget that.
I am one with the universe!
I am Haru of the Takagure....
AIison.
HeIIo, AIison.
-Did Martin say when he'd be back?
-He didn't.
That's strange.
We have some business
to go over.
It appears SaIIy's using her
faIse name with these peopIe as weII.
Very cIever, SaIIy.
You reaIIy shouId be a ninja.
Something's wrong.
It seems as though I am the onIy one
who is caIIing her SaIIy Jones.
How couId she do this to me?
Do not move, AIison...AIison Page!
You have to get out of here.
The guards couId kiII us both.
You are a Iiar, SaIIy...
SaIIy Jones!
I'm sorry that I gave you
a faIse name.
I onIy did it so TanIey
wouIdn't discover that I hired you.
Your Iies bounce off me
Iike Ping-Pong baIIs.
I am not Iying to you, Haru.
In fact, I have you to thank
for heIping me.
You found out what I needed to know.
-I did?
-Yes.
Look.
My sister CarIa
worked for TanIey.
Three months ago,
she died mysteriousIy.
I suspected TanIey, but I couIdn't
prove anything untiI you came aIong.
But you're his girIfriend.
You're in Iove with him.
I onIy got invoIved with him
to find out what happened to CarIa.
He doesn't know I'm her sister!
I cannot teII the truth
from the untruth.
There's no time!
If I find the pIates, I can
put him away. You must beIieve me!
I do beIieve you.
I have never stopped beIieving in you.
You are not aIone.
Great White Ninja is on your case.
Thank you, Haru.
Quick! Bedroom, bedroom!
Go! Go!
What are you doing?
I was Iooking for you.
I thought I'd make Iunch for you.
I'm Iate.
I have a meeting I have to get to.
Wait!
Let me take you to
your favorite restaurant.
I can't. Not today.
I'm in a bit of a hurry.
HopefuIIy, I'II see you Iater.
Why don't you caII a friend?
Have a IoveIy afternoon.
Since I can't be with you,
take them out to Iunch instead.
Have a great meeting. Bye!
Good job!
Thank you.
I don't know what to do.
I can't find those pIates anywhere.
Do not be disheartened.
I know TanIey's next move.
I have discovered his scheduIe...
...in this date book.
That's great.
Shrimp? Shrimp?
I gotcha!
Look at this!
Word is out that what happened
at the Neon CIub couId start a war.
If they want a war, they'II have one.
Do not underestimate the Kobudosai.
They are ruthIess.
We're not exactIy kittens.
This ink speciaIist, have you met him?
Chet WaIters. I'm toId
he's the best in the business.
Good. I want him to print
the front haIf of the biII tomorrow.
I want no compIications.
What do you know about this ninja
the poIice think kiIIed Ozura...
...and the other Kobudosai?
We're Iucky the poIice
have another suspect.
And a white ninja.
Who ever heard of a white ninja?
TanIey's at the first tabIe
on the right.
PIease don't!
Do you know how Iong it took me
to do my hair?
Hurry, my dove!
What the heII is she doing here?
-I've Iearned how to get to the pIates.
-You have?
That's great.
Hurry. They're coming.
Don't be afraid.
A ninja knows when he's in danger.
There they are! Shoot them!
Now we are in danger.
We are reaIIy in danger!
I'm one with the chicken.
Keep practicing, Joey.
Where...?
Thank you for Ietting me
stay here, Haru.
It is my pIeasure, AIison.
Besides, there is no pIace
for you to go.
You must stay here. TanIey wiII be
watching your every move.
EspeciaIIy your apartment.
You need not worry. I wiII
protect you with aII of my being.
I'm so Iucky I found you.
You reaIIy are courageous.
If onIy I had caught TanIey in Japan.
Today, you wouId be basking in the
safety of our dojo, after a bath...
...where I wouId bring you
soap and sweet-smeIIing oiIs...
...that you couId rub
aII over your body.
And then--
I am sorry. I got carried away.
It's okay.
Your IoyaIty is most appreciated.
WeII, I guess it's time to turn in.
Do you want the bed or the couch?
Which wouId you prefer?
Couch is fine for me.
Oh, that wouId be fine for me too.
Good night.
Good night.
Do not worry. He is simpIy
an ink speciaIist.
He wiII suspect nothing.
As we taIked about,
you'II distract him...
...and I'II use the ninja sIeephoId...
...to incapacitate him.
Are you ready?
Yeah, Iet's go.
How you doing?
WeIcome to BeverIy HiIIs Bank Note.
I'm Chet WaIters. Nice coat.
Who shot the couch?
I'm just kidding.
What can I do you for?
Our car broke down.
WouId you mind if I used your phone?
Oh, don't get me started
on car probIems.
I got a 1 975 Fairmont.
That thing's about as hard
to turn over as me on Laguna Beach.
I'm just bugging with you.
Auto CIub number is 555-9300.
Thank you.
Yep, the AAA.
You know, I knew a guy who started off
in AAA, then ended up in AA.
He got busted for DUI.
HeIIo, is this the Auto CIub?
What are you doing?
Are you not famiIiar with
the art of shiatsu massage?
Shiatsu? Watch your Ianguage.
There's a Iady present.
When I was pIaying baII
in Wisconsin...
...these two cheerIeaders
Iathered me up Iike a whaIe--
Get off me!
I'm caIIing the cops.
Give me the phone!
Not a ninja technique,
but effective.
Let's get him in the back.
What are you doing?
I am preparing one of our greatest
ninja tooIs, the Iaughing mushroom.
One pinch and he can't heIp
but teII the truth...
...about his business with TanIey.
CarefuI, AIison.
The effects of a tiny spore
are profound. Open his mouth.
I'm invoIved in
counterfeiting some money!
Big deaI!
If I get caught...
...I couId do 30 years.
TanIey is a kiIIer!
He kiIIed her sister.
When he's done,
he'II probabIy kiII you!
When are you to meet him?
Ten minutes.
And if you're here when he gets here,
he'II probabIy kiII aII of us!
I don't think we shouId.
I'm sorry. I was....
I wasn't trying to....
I was mereIy trying to get...
...cIose to the tempIe, not inside.
I just wanted to cIimb the steps...
...and maybe peek at the sacred object.
Hey, how you doing?
Chet WaIters. Mr. TanIey?
Say, nice jacket.
Who shot the couch?
Very funny, Mr. WaIters.
Are you ready to go?
You bet! Say, your buggy or mine?
Mine, I think.
Gotta get the gear here.
Can't start an operation
without the gear.
And here we are,
off to the wiId bIue yonder.
You don't mind, do you?
A smaII precaution.
No, if it makes
you feeI more comfortabIe.
I just want to know,
how wiII you drive with that on?
-It's for you.
-Of course it is.
Let's pIay Pin the TaiI on the Donkey!
Who's got the pinata?
Hear about a Iady who backed into a van?
Made a disaster. Dis-assed-her!
-I don't care.
-Okay, you bet.
Gotcha. You betcha.
AIrighty. Here we go!
TanIey, you pick up guys
and do this aII the time?
Who's driving this buggy, anyhow?
Let me guess. Don't teII me.
Don't teII me.
CaroI Channing.
Mind if I borrow this next week?
I got a bIind date. A bIind date!
Which way is he taking us?
Through the Grand Canyon?
Where did he Iearn to drive?
Cooking schooI?
Thank God we made it!
Okay, Iet's take the bIindfoId off.
That's what she said. She said!
Don't you think I ought to
do the work before you pay me?
This is the reaI biII. Print a
proof copy by the end of the day.
I want it exactIy Iike this.
Right. No probIem.
HoId the phone a second.
OId FaithfuI!
End of the day?
You don't want it sooner?
They don't caII me the best
for nothing, you know.
I'm standing there in a thong Speedo,
hiking boots and a backpack.
You try catching a ride
on 83rd Avenue, dressed Iike that...
...in the middIe of winter.
What happened?
A bug must've bit me.
I got a brother in pest controI.
BIindfoId him...
...bring him over. He'II nuke every
cockroach and mosquito in this dump.
CouId we pIease get to work?
Hey, I see you got...
...the T-200 spIit-IeveI Barber ink
printing press.
These came out when I was printing
for the ''Shave the WhaIe'' campaign.
-You mean ''Save the WhaIe.''
-Is that what you did with them?
Nobu, keep an eye on him.
Maybe it was ''Starve the WhaIes''!
''Starve the WhaIes.''
Let's see what we got
baking in the oven.
Not yet a match.
It Iooks Iike we are
one degree CeIsius off...
...on that magenta coIor.
I guess I'm going to have to...
...quantify the 7-F reading on this...
...and that wouId run it through
with the surface-gravity viscosity.
I couId pIug it into
the MarshaII formuIa, and that wouId...
...that wouId give me
an accurate mix design.
To me, they're just a IittIe bit off.
What I couId do on that is run
a pap smear test...
...and then tone it down a IittIe bit.
-HeIIo, Mr. TanIey.
-What the heII is that?
You can see what I'm up against.
I've got to rethink my inks.
So...
...what I couId do is
I couId swing back to my shop...
...and be gone not more than
five minutes.
You couId bIindfoId me if you'd Iike.
I Iiked that anyway.
How'd that get in there?
Who are you?
Chet WaIters, ink speciaIist.
I am Haru of the Takagure dojo...
...and if you vaIue your Iife,
you wiII....
Come on, Iet's get him!
Open this door!
Let us out of here!
Haru, you are truIy
the Great White Ninja.
Did I say ninja?
I meant ninny.
''Haru, you are such a ninny.''
So what did you do with WaIters?
You may subject me to any torture
you can think of...
...but a ninja does not taIk.
Ninja? You're a ninja?
You're the big, fat ninja
everyone's taIking about.
Great White Ninja.
The meeting with the Kobudosai
is arranged.
Good. Tie him up
and throw him in the van.
We'II get rid of him Iater.
You'II have to check your guns.
Kobudosai checked theirs.
My dove!
Are you aII right?
I am fine.
Let me get this bIindfoId off.
It is in the spirit of harmony
we meet here today.
It is important to our community
an agreement be reached.
Stop squirming!
I've got to get these ropes undone.
The ninja way is to visuaIize
the straightness of the rope.
It wiII begin to untie itseIf.
Or a knife is good.
My suggestion is that you aIIow us
to make your pIates our pIates.
Honored eIder?
You know I have great respect
for you, Kumagi...
...but I ruIe in favor of Mr. TanIey.
You won't get away with this!
Yes, I wiII.
I'II make these criminaIs face
the American justice system.
Be carefuI.
Where's the ninja gone?
I don't know.
Never mind. Let's go.
That's right.
The LittIe Tokyo TempIe.
Wait. Stop the van.
Stop the van!
What a coincidence meeting you here.
AIIow me to give you a Iift.
HeIp me!
You! Hands in the air!
It's him!
The white ninja!
Do not shoot!
I am on your side.
Come on, Iet's get him!
Come on over here.
Get out of here!
I got him!
Open the door.
Keep his head down.
AIison, what have I done?
He's an idiot!
I cannot do this anymore.
I had to escape from jaiI!
I am coming home.
-Do not be rash, Gobei.
-Rash?
He has made every mistake
in the ninja book.
He is coming.
Hide behind those cIouds.
I hate this!
-HeIIo, Haru.
-HeIIo, sensei.
How are you, my son?
I have tried, but I have faiIed.
That is never true.
I want so desperateIy to be
a great ninja Iike Gobei, but--
You must stop comparing
yourseIf to Gobei.
Why, sensei?
He is the best ninja ever.
I hope that he knows that I Iove him.
AII I've ever wanted...
...was his respect.
My son...
...we wouId aII be Iucky
to have a heart as big as yours.
In fact, Gobei wiII not become...
...a great ninja,
untiI he Iearns that Iesson.
I tried to stop this mission
because I feared for you.
But I was wrong.
You must continue.
-I must?
-Yes.
Go. Save AIison.
It is your duty as a ninja.
You just caIIed me a ninja.
Yes, I guess I did.
Go now.
Sorry. I can do it.
Patrice, my car, pIease.
Joey, you're coming with me.
Who is steaIing my shoes?
-There's no time to waste.
-I'm with you.
-Thanks, asshoIe.
-My pIeasure, sir.
-What are we doing?
-Using my perfect ninja sense memory...
...I wiII recreate the trip
to TanIey's warehouse.
Drive, Joey.
Phat! I get to drive?
AII right. Come on.
We going Iike Morgan Freeman.
Now turn right.
There was a bump. This is good.
There was a right after a bump.
A right after the bump.
Take off the bIindfoId!
What's wrong with you?
I know just where we are.
We are on the right track, Joey.
We're on the track, aII right!
I do not remember hearing thunder.
There's got to be a turn somewhere!
-Turn right, now!
-I'm turning!
This is good. I hear water.
Now turn right.
Now Ieft, towards the water. Yes!
I think we're too cIose to the water.
I think we shouId go back.
-You Ied us astray.
-I didn't!
I cannot swim! Joey!
We're drifting!
Something's touching my face!
Joey, these sea creatures!
HeIp me!
Head towards the mainIand!
MainIand?
Yes, the mainIand!
The sea is foamy.
You have wandered way off-course!
The weather in America
fIuctuates vioIentIy.
Maybe we shouId go for cover.
Joey, what is that smeII?
Pina coIada.
I Iike it.
-You must Iisten to my directions.
-I'm going where you said!
If you cannot, I wiII have to drive.
-You must Iisten at aII times.
-I'm sorry.
We must try it again.
And this time, Joey, you must
foIIow my directions exactIy.
Okay, no probIem.
-I'm ready.
-Everybody in my famiIy Iikes to drive--
You may drive now.
You may drive now.
Consider yourseIf very Iucky.
You've Iived 24 hours Ionger than
anyone who's betrayed me.
So I brought you this present.
A IittIe bang.
Don't worry. You'II vaporize
before you feeI a thing.
I wish I'd kiIIed you months ago.
The feeIing's mutuaI.
The difference is...
...I'm abIe to rectify my mistake.
Somebody heIp me!
Joey, do not Iet up. We are
nowhere near our destination.
Take a Ieft. Joey!
Why are we stopping here?
So we have entered
the serpent's Iair.
You are a fragiIe boy.
Thank God I have a short sword.
Yeah!
Yeah, you go, ninja boy!
Yeah! Mr. Dojo Rising!
Go for it!
I made it.
WeII, if it isn't
the Great White Ninja.
WeIcome back. CongratuIations on
making it this far...
...but I'm afraid this is where
your Iegend ends.
OnIy when I have ceased to breathe
wiII I be dead.
Get rid of him.
-What are you doing here?
-I come to heIp you, brother.
This has aIways been my dream.
Let us kick some yakuza ass!
That's right. I can cIimb.
I can cIimb!
So sorry, Gobei.
Don't you think
you shouId go save AIison?
But can you manage without me?
I wiII try.
Somebody heIp me!
AIison, is that you?
Yes! HeIp me!
AII right!
Hurry!
PIease hurry!
Stop!
Can you come any cIoser?
I wiII untie you.
There's no time.
There's a bomb in here.
AIison, have no fear.
I wiII defuse the bomb.
I can see now.
It is simpIe.
Do you know what you're doing?
There, I have done it!
Your call cannot be completed
as dialed.
Please check the number
and dial again.
Oh, great.
We've just Iost five minutes.
Brother!
My dove, hang on!
How much time is Ieft?
Four minutes.
Do not worry.
I wiII return.
I may not be the best ninja.
I may not be one with the universe.
But I'II teII you this:
No one messes with my brother!
Go! Yeah!
Look out!
So sorry.
Here I come!
Are you aII right, my brother?
Yes, Haru.
NiceIy done, Joey.
Hurry!
Martin TanIey.
I'm over here.
So now you are out of buIIets.
Look out!
Come on!
Do not worry.
Forty seconds.
Get out of there, you!
Thirty seconds!
Hang in there, my dove.
In a few moments, you wiII be
as free as a bird.
Are we dead?
You did it.
-I did?
-Yes.
Thank you, Haru.
Thank you.
I cannot say this has been
an easy mission.
You are, without a doubt,
the greatest ninja of aII time.
BeIieve it or not, there were times
when I doubted myseIf.
What a fooI I was.
Thanks, big brother.
It'II be aII right.
-You did good.
-Thank you, big brother.
Sorry about your head.
I was going for TanIey.
Reports here are that
a group of ninjas...
...foiIed an attempted
counterfeiting operation.
I am Iive with
one of those ninjas now.
This may be an odd question, but I
thought that ninjas were Japanese...
...and you seem to be bIack.
Do not be fooIed
by the coIor of my skin.
You're a TV reporter.
You've heard the Iegend
of the Great BIack Ninja.
I haven't. Is that you?
Some say it is so.
You have done weII, Haru.
I am proud.
Whether I am or am not
the Great White Ninja...
...you made me beIieve in myseIf.
Though it wiII sadden me
to see you Ieave...
...I am happy for you.
I reaIize that I wiII be
of better use...
...where they don't have many
great ninjas.
I wiII return with my dove
to the Iand of opportunity...
...BeverIy HiIIs.
Whether you're
the chosen one or not...
...I'd choose to fight
aIongside you anytime.
Here.
Good Iuck, my brother.
My arm!
It's okay.
AIison and I must Ieave.
-Goodbye.
-Goodbye!
It's amazing.
I think he's reaIIy changed.
Stop!
Stop! Are you Iistening--?
Give me my medaIIion back!
Hi, Gobei.
I am sorry, big brother!