Big Fat Liar (2002) Movie Script
[Man]|Hey,Jas,you awake?
Jason?|Hey,Jason,you awake?
Yeah, Dad, been up for hours.|J ust getting dressed.
Did you finish that paper|for English class?.|Yeah, did it last night.
Jas, did you eat|your oatmeal?.
Yeah, thanks, Mom.|It was delicious.
Here you go, Trooper.|# Is something wrong with me#
# Orthe way that I'm thinking|Come on, come on#
# And tell me|why you're staring#
# Come on, come on--#
[ All Chuckling ]
Nice board, Shepherd.
Bret, I would love|to hang around...
and be physically and|emotionally abused by you guys,
but I should probably|get to school.
Ow. See, I had a feeling|you were an excellent bully.
And I was right.|Take it easy.
Give me|the skateboard.|You sure?.
'Cause now you're going from harmless|bully to hardened boardjacker.
I don't think you wanna|do that, do you?.
[School Bell Ringing]
# Come on, come on and tell me|why you're staring#
# Come on, come on|and stop ##
I assume everyone|has completed their creative|writing assignments.
- [ Pager Ringing ]|- I don't want to hear excuses.
Ijust want to hear|your assignments readaloud|in a slow and peaceful--
- You,Joshua. Go.|- Uh, my dog ate it?
- I know you don't have a dog.|- Right. Sorry.
- Miss Caldwel I ?.|- Yes, Kaylee?
Can you open the door?.|I t's kinda toasty in here.
I suppose so.
[ Grunts ]
Jason Shepherd, did you just|come in from that window?.
No. You looked flushed.|I was just creating a cross-draft.
Now that we're all comfortable,|why don'tyou read us your story?.
Let's give someone else a chance.|No, we'd like to hear yours.
You did do it, didn't you?.
Miss Caldwell--|can I call you Phyllis?.
- No.|- Understood.
But as much as I wanted|to write my paper--
I mean, I really, really wanted|to write my paper--
I couldn't.
And it's because I spent all last night|in the Greenbury General emergency room.
See, my mom made|Swedish meatballs for dinner.|It's my dad's favorite.
He was so excited, he accidentally|swallowed one whole.
It was awful! He started choking.|His faced turned purple.
The meatball was bulging out|ofhis neck. We rushed him to the E.R.
I kept trying to write my paper|in the waiting room,|but it was too hard.
I needed to be by my father's side.|After all, he's the only dad I got.
You're lying through your|teeth, you little demon.
I wish I were, Phyllis.|Call my dad if you want.
His number's 555-0147.
I think I will.
Are you crazy?.|You're totally gonna get busted.
Say "Harry Shepherd's office."|No way. Don't drag me into this.
- Come on. Help me out. What am I supposed to do?|- How about write the paper?.
- Do it. Do it!|- No. No!
Harry Shepherd's office.|One moment please.
[ Tired, SickVoice ]|Hello?. Oh, hello. Miss Caldwell.
Yes, it's true.|It was terrifying!
I started to see the white light.
I was just about to cross over|to the other side,
when I heard the voice of an angel calling out,|and when I opened my eyes,
I saw my sweet, sweet Jason|standing over me.
And I said,|"Back off, Grim Reaper.
I ain't done living yet."
And with every ounce of gas|I had left in my body,
I burped that meatball|right across the room.
And I owe it all to my son.
I'm sorry, Miss Caldwell.|I should stop talking now.
My throat is still very sore.
Thank you.
- [Door Opens ]|-Jason!
I am so sorry!.
You just take your time|handing in that assignment.
Thank you.
Now back to those|creative assignments. You, Trevor. Go.
[School Bell Rings ]
Oh! J ust who I was looking for.|I need to see you in here.
I would love to hang out|and chat with you, Miss "C."
But I've got to get home|and take care of my daddy.
Oh, really?.
How could you lie to us,Jas?|You told me you wrote that paper.
I don't know. Unfortunately that essay |counts for 1/3 of Jason's grade.
Without it, he's gonna fail the class.|He'll have to repeat the course in summer school.
What?. I can't go|to summer school.
There must be something|he can do to make this up.
I'm teaching English as a second language|at the community college until 6:00.
If you can get me the paper by then,|I'll consider counting it.
And don't even think about|downloading something from the Net.
- I want the essay handwritten.|- A thousand-word story in three hours?.
That should be no problem since making up stories|seems to be your God-given talent.
[ Dad's Voice ] Making up stories|seems to be your God-given talent.
[ Thinking ]|Big...
fat... Iiar.
Kenny Trooper was|the world's biggest liar.
They say a little lie|can grow bigger and bigger.
One man will pay the price.
People everywhere stopped|and stared at the big fat liar.
Yes!
Why'dhe have to steal|my skateboard today?
Nice wheels, Shepherd!|[ Laughing ]
Freak!
Uh, sir?.|I think we just hit a kid.
I'm on the phone!
Sorry. Apparently we ran over|a kid or something.
You all right there, buddy?.|Yeah.
But you gotta help me out.|I have to get to the community|college in two minutes...
or I'm gonna fail|out of eighth grade.|What's going on here?.
- I need a ride.|- What, am I running a taxi service?.
It's right down the road. You're lucky|I don't sue you for whiplash.
Actually...|my neck does feel pretty stiff.
[ Groaning]
Get in the car.
Watch the shoes!|Watch the shoes!
Man! If you only knew|the kind of day I've had!
Yeah, it must be really,|really tough to be 1 1.
I'm actually 1 4.|Oh, my mistake.
Jason Shepherd.
Marty Wolf.
Famous Hollywood producer.
[ Scoffs ] I'm in town|shooting my new picture.
Oh, yeah, you're that guy.
Dude, no offense, but you have made|some stinkers in the last few years.
- Yeah, well, everyone|has a dry spell, Ebert.|- It's Jason.
Trust me. All it takes is one hit|to get you back on top.
Yeah, that's what I'm counting on|with this story I'm handing in.
Oh, really?. Why don'tyou|tell me more about that?.
I tried to get out of it,|but my teacher busted me.
What'd you go with,|dog ate your homework?.
- No. Dad choked on a meatball.|- And you spent all night with him in the E.R.?
Yeah.
Your teacher called the old man to confirm,|you imitated his voice on the cell phone?.
Yeah, pretty much.
All right, listen and learn, short stack.|Here's where you went wrong.
You should've forged the doctor's note,|made your dad your sister...
and changed the meatball|into a chicken wing.
It's much easier to swallow|if you G.M.D...which means "Get my drift."
Wow. You're good.
No, no, no. I'm the best.
- Here we are.|- All right, God bless you,Jared.
- It's Jason.|- And it always will be.
Keep practicing those lies,Jiminy.
'Cause you can take it from me.|The truth?. It's overrated.
Now get out!
I got a movie to produce!
Thanks for the ride, gentlemen.
Ciao.
Hey-o! You left--
- Back to the set, sir?.|- Yeah. Double-time it, driver.
Listen, Whitaker,|I'm noty our sister, I'm not your girlfriend,
and I'm not your priest.|[ Clucking]
So if you wanna remain my partner,|I've got two words for you.
Shut the heck up!|You talkway too much!
Can we cut?. Can we--|[ Coughing ]
'Cause this ain't working|for me at all.
What do you think you're doing?.|Fumigating me in here?.
Move!|Moving.
Why did you call cut?. I did not|tell you to stop acting, Urkel.
Wolf, how many times|have I told you not to call me Urkel?.
My name is Jaleel White, okay?.
Urkel was a character|I played when I was a child.
Okay,Jaleel.|Hey, what's the problem?.
Wanna know the problem?.|Yeah.
I'm getting nothing|from the chicken,|that's the problem.
He sits there with his head slumped over.|I have no idea what my motivation is.
Mmm. Okay, you're|a police officer named Fowl.
Your new partner is a crime-fighting|chicken named Whitaker.
And your motivation is a nice|fat paycheck that's keeping you out...
of working the drive-through window at McDonald's.|Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Watch yourself, Wolf.|Watch yourself.
No, you watch yourself, pal.
You're just lucky I'm not making you|wear the freaky glasses and suspenders.
I swear. I was riding down the street|on Jamie's old bike and some limo hit me.
They offered me a ride.|I spilled all my stuff. I must've forgotten the paper.
Give us one reason|whywe should believe you.
Because it's true!
There was some guy in the limo.|Marty something. Maybe he took it.
What are our options?.
Without the essay,|summer school.
Or... summer school.
[Man]|Today, students,
we're going to learn about|the joys of a special friend...
I like to call Mr. Semicolon.
[Student Coughing]
The semicolon was first used...
in a 1734 letter|to British Parliament...
by Mr.Jedediah Wilkinson.
W-I -L...
I--|[ Snoring ]
Help... me.
Jason, you must've made|at least one friend.
Yeah, come to think of it,the kid behind me|who kept flicking boogers at my neck,
he seemed like|a really nice guy.
I shouldn't even be|in that stupid summer school.
Ifit makes you feel any better,|my parents are taking an adventure.
They're going on a river rafting|trip in the Grand Canyon.|But do I get an adventure?. No.
My big adventure is staying|at my Grandma Pearl's|with her toe fungus.
Well, you can hang out|at my place.
My folks are taking a long|weekend at some health spa|for their anniversary.
It'll just be me and Jamie|from Thursday till Sunday.
[Preview Narrator]|In a time...
when a little lie...
can grow bigger...
and bigger,
one man will pay the price.
Next summer,|people everywhere...
will stop and stare.
Marty Wolf Pictures presents...
Kenny Trooper,
the Bi g Fat Liar.
[ Kaylee ]|What do you think? Wanna see it?
See it?. I thi nk I wrote it.
[ Dad]|Not that again,Jason.|I'm telling you!
Wait a minute.|This is it.
Big Fat Liar is already being touted|as next summer's must-see movie event.
I recently sat down|with Marty Wolf,
the mastermind behind|this sure-to-be--
That's him!|That's the guy from the limo.
- How'd you come up with this idea?|- Some ideas you...
struggle and struggle with.
But the great ones,|well, they just come to you.
Yeah! From my backpack,|you loser!
-Jason.|- Dad.
I'm serious.|That guy stole my paper.
You have to believe me.
I can't.
Ijust don't trust you right now,Jas.
Have a nice weekend, kids.
We will.|[Mom ]|See you on Sunday. Have fun.
Look out for your brother.|Bye-bye.
We'll miss you guys.
[ Groans ]
Later.|I 'm going over to Rudy's.
- Rudy.|- Yo, what's up, dog?
How you living, yo?.
It's crackin', kid!
Peace out, little "G."
Booyah!
He's not literally|a catcher eating rye bread.
It's more of a metaphor|for a state of adolescent angst.
- We need to talk.|- I'm tutoring.
Bet you wish you still had|your skateboard, huh, Shepherd?
Let's see.|Fully-developed brain.
Skateboard.
- I think I'll take the brain.|- But I have your skateboard.
-Kaylee, pack your bags. We're going on a trip.|-I can't just go to Los Angeles.
And I can't go through my life|having my parents think I'm a liar.
But you are a liar.|In general that's true.
But this time I'm telling the truth.|I wrote that paper.
And I'm not gonna rest until Wolf admits|he stole it and my parents know it.
What are we supposed to do?.|Walk across the country?.
Three years of yard work and baby-sitting money.|Our flight leaves in two hours.
What about my Grandma Pearl?|I'm staying at her house|while my parents are away.
That woman doesn't|even know what year it is.
You said you wanted an adventure.
We'll go to L.A., I'll get my paper,|and we'll be back before the long weekend is over.
My grandma will notice|if I don't even show up at all.
[Bret ] Hey, Kaylee,|you got a plunger?
I took a dookie and|I clogged up the toilet. Oh, boy. Oh, no.
What a mess.|[ Laughing ]
This is never gonna work.|She's not that blind and senile. Oh, it'll work.
If any of my team mates|see me, Shepherd, you're dead.
Hey, we made a deal. You want us to do|your summer school homework or not?.
Yeah, it's just--|It's only a few days.
And remember. You have to|make your voice sound like a girl's.
Come on, big feller.
Who's there?. I've got a gun.
It's just Kaylee, Grandma.
Kaylee?.
You can't be Kaylee.|You've grown so tall.
And you're so muscular!
[ Laughs ]|I'm benching like 220, 230.
Good for you!|Give me a hug.
Come on.
# Me, myself and I#
# Me, myself and I|Just me, myself and I#
# Ahh-ahh-ahh#
[Woman Over P.A. System:|Indistinct ]
Follow my lead.|Okay.
Hi. I'm Mr. Stroog.
[ Laughs ]
You serious?.|Is there a problem?.
No, no. Uh--
Just you're kind a young to be the biggest|fur coat distributor of the Midwest, you know?.
It's a family business. I've been|selling pelts since I was a baby.
Okay.
I'm Frank.
Frank, we want to get some sightseeing in| before we start covering this town in fur.
Okay. So this here|is a little place I like to call...
Los Angeles.
# Me, myself, myself and I#
#Just me, myself#
# Do it all the time #
# I wanna get by #
# And that's fine #
# Me, myself, myself and I|Just me, myself and I #
# Me, myself, myself and I|Just me, myself and I ##
Thanks for the I ift, Frank.|We'll take it from here. You got it, Mr. Stroog.
Here's my card. If you need|a ride, give me a shout-out.
Thanks.
[Man ]|Welcome, ladies and gentlemen.
This is Ron, your driver,|and I am Arthur, your tour guide.
So, what's the plan?.
When we get to Wolf's building,|we jump off, infiltrate his office,
make him admit|he stole my story.
That's it?. That's the lamest|plan I've ever heard.
Trust me.|It's gonna work.
[Tour Guide ]|So stay tuned.
This is the back lot where|many of our hit movies are made.
And speaking of movies, in just|a few days we're beginning filming...
next summer's smash sensation--|Come on, fol low me.
Big Fat Liar!
Excuse me, guard?.|Where's stage two?.
Security! Let's go!
Can I take a moment to say:|How totally awesome is this?.
[ Phone Rings ]|Marty Wolf Pictures.
Please hold.
Marty Wolf Pictures.|Please hold. Can I help you?.
We're here to see Marty Wolf.|Do you have|an appointment?.
I ask you,
Astrid,|what kind of sick world this is...
when children need an appointment|to see their own father?.
Mr. Wolf|doesn't have children.
- Not that he knows of.|- Shh.
Look, this is gonna be|an emotional reunion for all of us,
so once you let us in, you're probably gonna|wanna hold Papa's calls as well.
Mr. Wolf doesn't see anyone|without an appointment.
Marty Wolf Pictures.
No, she stepped away.
I'd love to take a message.|You've got it.
If you'd slow down--
Help me out.|Help me out.|No. No.
Help me out. Help me out.|Help me out. No. No. No. Okay.
Oh.
Marty Wolf Pictures.|One moment, please.
Operator.|Hi. Marty Wolf Pictures, please.
[ Panting, Barks ]|[Phone Rings ]
Marty Wolf Pictures.|Astrid Barker, please?.
Speaking.|This is Doris Del Rio down in parking.
- Do you drive a Saturn?|- Yes.
- Well, it's um--|- It's parked on a dog.
- I'm not gonna say that.|- Come on!
- Hello?.|- Your car's parked on a dog.
Your car is parked on a dog.
My car is parked on a dog?.
Yes, ma'am. In the tail area|to be more specific.
[ Gagging ]|It's gruesome, actually.
- Listen for yourself.|- [Jason Barking ]
[ Barking, Whining ]
Hang on, okay?.|I'm coming! Don't die!
Just stay! Keep breathing!|Think ofa happy place.
All right,|keep a lookout.
I'm sure this thing will be over|in just a few minutes.
[Phone Ringing]
[Ringing Continues ]
Marty Wolf Pictures.|Can I take a message?.
Mr. Wolf is about|to go into a meeting.
Uh-huh. San-- Sandler.|Mm-hmm.
[Wolf] We're not just looking|for my personal organizer, Monty.
That thing is my life!|Ifyou've lost it, then you've killed me.
Simple as that.|Draw a I i ne of chal k around me,|because I am dead!
[ Monty]|I understand that.|No, you don't.
You always say that.|No, you don't!
[Monty]|Did you check your jacket pocket?
What do I look like, a moron?.|No, if you remember|that one time--
Fine, Monty, fine.|If it'll make you happy, I'll check my jacket pocket.
It's in there.
[ Sighs ]
Uh, hello?. Excuse me.|Hey, how's it goin'?.
Ah, who are you?.|Jason Shepherd.
Remember me?.|I wrote Big Fat Liar.
Ah-- [ Laughs ]
Monty, hold my calls.
Give me a few minutes alone|here with Mr. Shepherd.
Well, well, well.
Jason Shepherd!|The young man from Greenbury, Michigan.
I must tell you,|this is quite a surprise.|What can I do for you, amigo?.
I want you to call my dad|and tell him you stole the story from me.
Call your dad?. Why?.
Because it's the truth, and you're|the only one he'll believe.
You traveled halfway|across the country...
to get me to call your dad|and tell him you did your homework?.
You make that phone call,|and you will never hear from me again.
- Okay.|- Really?.
Yup.
It's a great piece ofwork, kid.|And I'm not just blowing smoke.
I refer back to it whenever|I get in a bind on the script.
So you'll give it back to me|and make the phone call?.
Hey, you gave me my movie.|It's the very least I can do for you.
Hey...|you smoke cigars, hotshot?.
I'm... 1 4, Wolf.
All right, suit yourself.
Jason Shepherd|ofGreenbury, Michigan--
Ahh. It was a pleasure|doing business with ya.
- Oh! What have I done?.|- No! No!
Stand back, son! Let me try and|tamp it out with this lit cigar.
Oh, I seem to be|making matters worse.
Good move!
Hold on, help is on the way.
Stand back!
Oh! Ohhh.
You're sick!|You know that?.
All I wanted you to do was call my dad|and tell him I wrote that paper!
Or else what?. You gonna|shoot me with a spitball, hmm?.|Gonna give me a wedgie?.
Grow up, Shepherd!|This is Hollywood, baby.|It's a dog-eat-dog town.
Worse. We got cats eatin' cats.|We got fish munchin' fish.
We play by our own rules.|[ Chuckling ]
I am not leaving|until you make that call!
Oh, I'll make a call, all right.|Malone speaking.
Rocco, this is the Wolf.|Senda couple of your boys|down here. I got a Code "W"
Another angry writer|refusing to leave. Wolf out.
- I tried to play fai r, Wolf,|but you asked for it!|- [ Fake Whimpering ]
You asked for it. You don't|know who you're messing with!|Come on!
Thanks for holding.|Can you spell Soderbergh for me?.
Thanks, Steven.|I'll have Mr. Wolf return.|[Phone Ringing]
Marty Wolf Pictures.|[Jason ]|No,you don't understand!
Let go! I'm telling you.|It was my idea.
Oh, yeah, and I wrote|The Nutty Professor.|I heard it all before.
Uh... hi.
Hey, Astrid. Adam Sandler|called to set up a lunch.
I sent some flowers|to Meg Ryan 'cause she|sounded like she had a cold.
Oh, and I scheduled|a deep body massage for you at 3:.00.
You look like you can use|a little "you" time.
Thank you, kind stranger.
What can I say?.|This is Hollywood, Kaylee.|It's a fish-eat-fish town.
They play by their own rules out here.
Does that mean we're going home?.|We're going home... as soon as|Wolf admits he stole my story.
I'm not trying to be negative,|but didn't we just find out Wolf|isn't going to admit the truth?.
He'll do it.|How?.
'Cause I have his life|in the palm of my hand.|Great, so we're stealing now.
We're not stealing.|We're borrowing.
I've got Wolf's alarm codes,|credit card numbers, his schedule.
So?.|So this is awesome.
Give me one day and I'll figure out|a way to use this info against him.
I don't know,Jas.
I can't go home|until my dad knows the truth.
If you saw the way|he looked at me. It was like--
I don't know.|Like I wasn't his kid anymore.
Do you think your plan|might include food|and a place to sleep?.
The guard!|Let's get outta here!
Let's check out|that warehouse.
Looks like we found|our temporary home.
[Kaylee ]|Look at all this stuff.
Oh!
All right, Kay, we're gonna need|clothes and supplies.|Let's hunker down...
until the law dogs punch out,|and start racking up the merch.
What are you talking about?.
We'll stay here until closing time|and then we go shopping.
# The party's just begun#
# Everybody's having fun#
# Why don't we run away #
# And play some one-on-one #
# Let's find a place|just you and me #
# With no one around#
# Where we can be|who we wanna be #
# And no one brings us down #
# I, I wish|this night would never end#
# I, I wish|this night would never end#
# We're on our own|Just me and you #
# No one around#
# Where we can do|what we wanna do #
# I hope we're never found#
# I, I wish|this night would never end#
# I wish this night|would never end##
[ Knocking Sound]
J as?.
I 'm at the beach.
Hey, Frank. Mr. Stroog.|Meet us at the studio gate in 20.
- Hey.|- [ Panting ]
- What's with the Cokes?.|- The machine, it's rigged.|They're free.
[ Hysterical Laughing ]|They're free!
[Jason ] Good morning, Frank.|Let's get moving.
We've got furs to sell.|Yeah.
Fur coat king of|the Midwest, my butt!
I've got some R-rated|dialogue for you,|but I'm gonna keep it P.G.
I'm gonna keep it P.G.|You owe me $1 00|for yesterday's ride.
- Maybe--|- You almost cost me my job.
- I'm sorry, I can explain.|- D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D! Hear that?.
-Just--|- D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D!
- Maybe if we--|- I don't wanna hear it. Okay?.
- I know, I just--|- D-D-D-D-D-D-D!
- If you--|- D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D!
- If-- Don't--|- D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D!|D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D!
I'm sorry. It's just that|we came out here to get even|with this guy Marty Wolf.
- He stole my story. He's making|it into this big movie.|- Whoa.
- Did you just say MartyWolf?.|- Yeah. You know him?.
Know him?. I used to drive him.|He fired me last year.
- Why?.|- I'm an actor. See?.
Right? And I made the mistake|of asking him if I could|audition for one ofhis movies.
He could've said no|and not let me audition.
But instead he takes my head shot,|writes "loser" across my forehead,
and then faxes it to every|casting director in town.
You poor thing.
If you guys wanna mess|with Wolf, I got your back.
[Jason's Voice ]|Today, it's know the enemy time.
Right on schedule.
[Wolf] Okay, people, we begin|production in two days.
Dusty! El director.|First up's the big stunt.
I wanna start this shoot off|with a bang! I wanna blow them away|right out of the gate! Hit me!
- Rock and rol l, baby,|I am ready to party.|- Go!
Okay! Harumph! We open.|Twelve different camera angles.
Smoke ascending|from the streets of the city.
Kastang!|Birds descending from the heavens...
like winged messengers|from above, beckoning.
[ Wolf]|Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Confucius say,|"Easy does it, skippy."
I can barely afford one camera,|let alone twelve. And forget the birds.
Monty, talk to me|about the budget.
We're two million dollars over, and the|studio hasn't approved the new budget.
When are they supposed|to do that?.
Tomorrow morning you have a breakfast|meeting at Marcus Duncan's house.
[ Scoffing ] Oh. I have a breakfast|meeting at Marcus Duncan's house.
You can tell our little|vice president he can drag|his sorry butt to myplace...
if he wants to have a little sit-down|chin-wag with the Wolf Man.
Actually, sir,
he's not the V.P. anymore.
[ Clears Throat ]|He's the president.
I see. Well, um,
get his address,|we don't wanna be late now, do we?.
Next!
Now, for a big movie,|you need a big stunt.
And for a big stunt, you need|serious media coverage.
I'm talkin' TV, print,|that Internet crap, everything.
Now who's handling that?.|I am.
Jocelyn Davis,|senior V.P. of publicity.
Yeah?. Sure you're not senior V.P.|of Twinkies?. [ Chuckling ]
Ooh, funny.
I'll make sure the shoot|is well-covered.|Terrific!
Okay, people, meeting's over.|What's next, Monty?
Cool!|1 2:30, stunt demonstration.
- What do you think, Marty?. Nice, huh?.|- Perfect. What do you think?.
- Bam! Loved it.|- Yeah, but actually, I think...
I liked it better the first time|I saw it... in 1 942,
you dinosaur!
Vince, meet my new effects whiz,|Lester Golub.|Pleasure to meet--
Shh! Lester is going to design|the stunt on his iBook.
And your stunt guy's gonna do|whatever the computer tells him to do.
I don't need a computer|to show me how to do myjob.
Geek boy, ignore FatherTime|over here and get workin'.
From the looks of you, I'm sure|that you don't have a social life.
So you two will get together tomorrow|to finalize the details. Play nice.
I'm offtomorrow.|I'm taking a personal day.
I-- What was that?.
Personal day?. Wh-What|are you talking about, Vince?.|What's a personal day?.
I'm taking my granddaughter|to a birthday party.
- Ahh! Oh. May I?.|- Sure.
Oh, that is great!|Would you look at that!
Clown with the crazy hair!
Oh, man!
Man, that's fun.
See, this is the movie business,|Grandpa! The talkies!
You know?. You can take|your personal day in a year|or two when you're dead!
[Jason ] Today we learned|we're officially dealing|with the meanest man alive!
All right, colored dye.|Check.
MegaGlue.|Check.
Oh, my God.
Grandma Pearl. Bret must be|in a living hell right now.
[ Grunting ]
How many more, Kaylee?.
Fifty.|I gotta get ripped, baby.
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!|Feel no burn!
'Cause I'm the best, baby!|I'm the best!
You know, Grandma, you should think|about getting into shape yourself.
One more, Grandma!|One more, Grandma!
It's all you! I ain't helping!|Last one! Yeah!
[Phone Ringing]
[ Game Ringing, Beeping ]|[ Cell Phone Ringing ]
[ Ringing ]|Hello?.
- Hey,Jas.|- Hey, Dad!
Just called to see|how you were doing.
- Um, doing good. You know,|staying out of trouble.|- What's that noise?.
Just doing this experiment|for science class, this thing|with ball bearings and bells.
Just wanted to check in 'cause|you looked upset when we left.|Yeah, about that, Dad.
I just want you to know,|I totally get what you said|about the whole trust thing.
I think when you get back,|you'll see I've been trying|really hard to earn it.
- Glad to hear it, pal.|- Good night, Dad.
- Night.|- Call forwarding. Gotta love it.
You really think|this is gonna work?.
One day. That's all it's gonna take.|Wolf's not gonna know what hit him.
Jas, little help here.
What about your parents?.|Think they'll call?.
They're in the middle|of the canyon. There's no phones.
Hey, thanks for|coming out here with me.
I came for the adventure,|remember?.
Right.
Anyway, we shouldget|some sleep.
- Tomorrow we launch phase two.|- Whoa!
[ Alarm Beeping ]
It's show time,|Mr. Funny bones.
[ Laughing ]|You cute little monkey, you!
[ Monkey Sounds ]
You!
## [ Humming ]|Look out! Pss! Pss! Pss!
"Ow!' Pss! Pss! Pss!|"Cut it out, Marty!
Hey, that kills, Marty."|[ Laughing ]
[ Sighs ]|Hungry!
# Dark in the city|Night is a wire#
# Steam in the subway|Earth is afire #
# Do-do-do-do|do-do-do-do-do, do-do #
# Woman you want me|Give me a sign #
# And catch my breathing|even closer behind#
# Do-do-do-do|do-do-do-do-do, do-do #
Mr. Earpiece,|meet Miss MegaGl ue.
# I'm on the hunt|I'm afteryou #
# Smell like I sound|I'm lost in a crowd#
# And I'm hungry|like the wolf#
# Straddle the line|in discord and rhyme #
# I'm on the hunt|I'm afteryou #
# Mouth is alive|with juices like wine #
# And I'm hungry|like the wolf#
# Stalked through the forest|too close to hide #
# I'll be upon you|by the moonlight sign #
# Do-do-do-do|do-do-do-do-do, do-do #
Let's dance, Funnybones!
# High blood drumming|on your skin, it's so tight #
# You feel my heat|I'm just a moment behind#
# Do-do-do-do|do-do-do-do-do, do-do ##
Oh, my God!
[ Ringing ]
Good morning.|Marty Wolf Pictures. This is Monty.
Monty! Charisma from|Marcus Duncan's office.
I'm temping for a second assistant.
I am so psyched you're there.|I was watching Charmed|on the W.B. last night...
and just as Alyssa Milano|was about to put a spell|on her demon boyfriend,
I had the biggest panic attack|that I forgot to give you|Duncan's new address.
Really?. I didn't know he moved.|That was quick.
Oh, yeah, in a big way. He bought|like the sickest pad in the 90210.
We're talking mondo bucks.|[Laughing]
Anyhoo, tell Mr. Wolf|that Duncan lives at...
All right.|Thanks. Got it.
[ Phone Ringing ]|What?.
It's Monty. I'm glad I caught you.|Duncan moved.
Cancel the meeting.
And get one of the makeup chicks|to meet me at the office.|This is an emergency.
No, no. You cannot cancel|the meeting.
If Duncan doesn't approve|the new budget, we can't|start shooting tomorrow.
[ Laughing ] I don't think|you understand, Monty. I'm blue.
Aw, come on.|Now, we all have our off days.
[ Laughing ]
No, I mean I'm literally--
And I've got orange--|[ Groans ]
Come on, Wolf Man.
Okay, forget it.
Give me his address.|I'll figure something out.
Copy that.
Did you come up with an ending|for the scriptyet?.
I'm working on it.
I'm headed across the lot|to do some research, but...|I could use a little help.
Monty, I am writing and producing|a major motion picture.
I don't have time to work on|the script! That's your job.
Now, stop wasting time|and get to work!
I'm 24 hours away from the most|important shoot of my career.
Wolf out!|Ow! Oh, G--
- Get glasses, Grandma!|- Upyours, blue boy!
Aah.
[ Car Lock Chirps ]
- Yeah, I'm, uh--|- [ Speaking Spanish ]
Uh-huh.
Got the alarm codes?|I'm all over it.
Rough. Sister,|I invented the word rough.
Duncan will be eating|sugar cubes out of my hand by|the time I'm finished with him.
Right.
What the--
It's the clown! Let's hurt him!|[ Yelling ]
Excuse me--
- [ Screaming ]|- I need backup!
[Boy]|Incoming!
[ All Yelling ]
I'm a very powerful|Hollywood producer!
What am I doing here?|Don't touch that, don't|touch that, don't touch--
You kids are all gonna|be hearing from my lawyer!|Don't let him get away!
Get off of me!|You wanna dance, kid?. Let's dance!
You want a piece of me?.|You want a piece of me?.
You're going down, clown!
Good, bring it! I'm Marty Wolf!.|You have any idea who I am?.
Come on, four eyes, huh?.
Hey, head's up, clown!
- [ Yelling ]|- [ Yelling ]
[Boy]|You're not even funny, clown!
[ Line Ringing ] Hello?.|Monty, where the hell|did you send me?.
Because it sure|wasn't Duncan's house!|How was I supposed to know?.
Don't speak,just listen.|Whatever you do, you gotta|get me in there with Duncan!
I'll just reschedule|the meeting, Marty! Geez!
Okay. That's all|you had to say.
Adios, sugarpuff!.|[ Shouts ]
[ Horn Honking ]|Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- What the--|- [ Honking Stops ]
[ Horn Honks Three Times ]
[ Sighs ]
## [ Car Radio: Loud Rock ]
## [Rock Continues ]
Stop!
[ Alarm Blaring ]
Hey, Marty, I like your new coloring.|It works foryou.
You did this?.|Yup.
And it can end anytime.|All you have to do is make|one phone call to my dad.
Shouldn't be much of a|problem since that headset|is superglued toyour ear!
Here's my dad's number.
Hi.
Call me.|Bye-bye.
Rotten kids!
[ Horn Honking,|Alarm Blaring ]
Shepherd!
[ Alarm Blaring,|Loud Rock Blaring ]
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
[ Horn Honks ]
- That's it!|- [ Noises Stop ]
Oh... my... God!
I'm gonna kill you!|Take it easy, man.|It wasn't my fault.
- The oldbag rear-endedme.|- Eat my boobies, blue boy!
That's very nice. That's really charming|from a woman of your advanced years.
Have a nice day!|It's just the tire.
You're gonna pay for this!
All right, listen... "Masher"|I'm sure we can come to|some monetary arrangement.
Yeah, that's what I thought,|tough guy!
- Who's the tough guy now, pal?.|- [ Tires Squealing ]
Oh, no. Come on.
No, dude, no.|Back off, man! No way!
[Screaming]
Two meetings in a row, Monty.
This is not the way to get on|the new president's good side.
I'm sorry, sir.
I'm sure there must be|some explanation.
They told me to pick up|a little blue car.
They didn't say anything about|a little blue man!
[Laughing]
[ Phone Rings ]|You got the Wolf.
Where are you?.|I am at Duncan's office right now!
I'm, uh--|I'm not gonna make it.
You, uh, tell him it's|your fault and reschedule.
I am not gonna lie to the new|president ofthe studio, Marty.
Don't get all high and mighty|on me, Monty, 'cause if |I go down, you're ridin' shotgun,
Tootsie Roll-- now,|make something up!
And I'll smooth things over|with him at the premiere.
- Fine.|- Wolf, out!
Hi, everybody. I'm Pat O'Brien,|and welcome to Tinseltown.
Well, here we are again,|this time at the world premiere|of producer Marty Wolf's...
action comedy,|Whitaker and Fowl.
So this must be a very|exciting evening for you.
Oh, yes! You know, it's just good|to get the past behind me...
and finally be taken|seriously as an actor.
Can I give a shout-out?.|Oh, my God,|it's the chicken!
[ Clucking ]
[ Crowd Clamoring, Applauding ]|Whitaker, over here!
Well, it looks like all of Hollywood|has turned out for this one.
But the question is,|where is Marty Wolf?.
Oh!|[ Woman ]|Oh, sweet Moses!
What is that?|Don't look in his eyes.
- Hey there, Marty.|- H-Hi!
Ready to end this?.
[ Laughs ]|Oh, kid.
You have no idea|who you are dealing with.
You think I care about|a couple of little pranks?. Nah.
[ Laughs ]|See you around, Shepherd.
[Phone Dialing]
[Phone Ringing]|Hello?.
This is J-Dog calling K-Bird.|Repeat,J-Dog calling K-Bird.
-Jas, is that you?.|- Yeah. I'm using code names.
Wolf didn't throw in the towel.|We're moving into phase three.
- What's phase three?.|- We're goin' to our first|Hollywood soiree.
I didn't know what to expect,|but all ofa sudden|it's like bam! Bad movie!
Can you say "boring"?.
Like when you did Saved by|the Bell. Quality, okay?.
I mean, substance.|Worst film in the world.
[ Whitaker Clucking,|Guests Chattering]
Whoa! There he is!
El Presidente.|## [ Humming "Hail to the Chief" ]
Ah. And his wife,|the very lovely Shaniqua.
It's Shandra.|Great to see ya.
Well?. I mean, I think|they loved it! Don'tyou?.
I think that sad excuse for a movie|just lost the studio $30 million.
I'm pulling the plug|on Big Fat Liar.
- What?.|- It's over, Wolf.
Look,just hear me out.
The truth is-- Would you|excuse us please, Shananny?.
The truth is, I missed those|meetings because I had...
an incredible breakthrough on B.F.L.,|which I was working on all day,
and I wanted to wait until we were|in front of the entire industry...
to make mypresentation.
One chance, Wolf,|that's all I'm givin' you.|And that's all I need.
Strap on your seat belt,|Dr. Duncanstein,
because you are|about to be blown away.
- Monty!|- Sorry. Marty!
God! What's going on?.
What is this big presentation|you're giving about the movie?.
I have no idea! None!
None. It is--|[ Blows Raspberry]
- I can help you.|- [ Gasps ]
Why do you keep|showing up in my life?.
Sounds like you need to come up with|some big idea for Big Fat Liar. Right?.
What?.
Some ten-year-oldkidis gonna|tell me how to fix my entire movie?
First of all, I'm 1 4.|Second of all, I created the story.
You think I can't at least|come up with a few good twists?
- Uh-huh.|- No--
You mean that this kid|really did write Big Fat Liar?
Uh-- No, he wrote|a little English paper...
with the same title--|big deal.
I-It's-- It--|Uh--
He's--
- Don't do it,Jason.|- Kid.
I swear to you,|you get me out of this mess,
and I'll tell your dad|you wrote Big Fat Liar,
Erin Brockovich and|Saving Private Ryan too.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen.
Friends! Uh, if I can have your|attention for just a moment, please?.
You're all probably wondering|why I'm blue and orange.
[ Everyone Laughs ]|Just go with me for a second.
You see, uh, Big Fat Liar.
B.F.L. " Bfl "|as it's come to be known,
is full of action, romance,|effects-- oh,you bet!
But what it lacks right now|is a message.
Trooper's girlfriend makes|this new potion which is|supposed to make him shrink.
[ In Earpiece ] But instead,|it causes him to change color.
[ Faking A Cough ] Why?.|Because now, the twist is...
he can't even lie|about his feelings anymore.
You see, his girlfriend, Penny,|she makes Trooper an antidote...
which, instead of curing him-- whoa--|causes him to change colors.
When he's bummed out|about stuff, he turns blue.
- When depressed, he turns blue.|- When he's mad, his hair turns red.
When he's angry, boom!
His curly locks turn the color|of a flaming brushfire!
But when he discovers the ultimate|truth that he's in love with Penny,
the softest shade of pink...
finds its wayacross his visage.
I didn't tell him to say that!
Wolf, what are you doing?.|You're not listening to me.
Just stick to the plan--|[ Yelps ]
I'm sorry. The emotions|in this movie are just so painful.
They are painful because--
'cause they hit home,|right here... in the old corazon.
Who among us hasn't told|a little white lie?|I have.
Anybody else?. You?.|[Man ]|Guilty.
You?. It's all right,|don't be ashamed, brother,|because I am right there with you.
I am right there with you.
You're all right, man.|Because our picture...
looks the audience|right in the eye...
and says enough is enough!
Lying has gotta stop.
The truth and the truth alone|shall set you free!
Friends, God bless all of you.
God bless America,
and God bless Big Fat Liar!
[ Cheering ]
Very impressive, Marty.
Now, does this mean that you|will approve the budget?.|You start shooting tomorrow.
That's great.|But if anything, and I mean|anything, goes wrong,
your movie, your deal|at the studio...
and your career|will be over, you hear me?.
Okay.
Hey-o!|[ Laughs ]
Shepherd, you are|a genius, buddy! Huh?.|[ Imitating Punches Landing ]
You ready to make that call?.|Time to let my fingers|do the walking.
- Here's my dad's phone number.|- All right. Ah, Daddy.
Ah. Hello,|this is MartyWolf.
I am standing here in mykitchen|withJason Shepherd.
I'm lookin' at him as we speak.
And you better bring backup.|[ Phone Disconnects ]
What are you doing?. I thought|you were on the phone with my dad.
Oh, I was on the phone, all right,|but it ain't with your old man.
You're a real piece ofwork, Shepherd.|Who are you?.
Rocco Malone, head of security|for Marty Wolf Pictures.
Thanks for all your help,|kid. Really.
Savin' my butt twice in one year.|Who would've "thunk"it?
Let's go, kid. Come on,|you too, Punky Brewster.
You can't do this.|We have a witness!
Hey, first lesson in Hollywood,|sweetheart. Always get it in writing!
What a day!
Here's the deal. The two of you|are gonna get on a plane,
go back home, forget this|ever happened-- clear?.
Good. Let's go get|you two guys packed up, huh?.
I can't believe|we're just gonna give up.
You're Jason Shepherd.|You can get out of anything.
Come on. You must have|a phase four up your sleeve.
Yeah. I guess I do.
[Phone Dialing]
- Hello?.|- Dad?. It's Jason.
- Hey.|- I haven't--
I haven't been totally honest|about what I've been up to|the last couple of days.
And, uh, I think it's time|I told you the truth.
The truth?.|[ Sighs ]
Hey, Rocco. Hey.
Hey.
Why don't you head home?.|I'll take the kids to the airport.
- You sure?.|- Yeah. I was gonna be up all night...
rewriting Wolf's script anyway,|so it's no problem.
All right then. I'm gettin' too old|for this baby-sittin' anyway.
You take it easy.
Good night.|Good night.
You know what the worst part|of this whole thing is?.
Wolf is just going to keep|getting away with it.
He treats all these people|like dirt, and no one has|the guts to stand up to him.
- Forget it, Kaylee.|- I can't forget it.
It just makes me sick that your|parents are never gonna know|that you wrote that story.
What are we supposed to do?.|My parents are gonna be here|in the morning!
We tried everything.|It would take an army|to get Wolf to admit the truth.
I think I know where|we could find our troops.
- What areyou doing here?.|- I've been pushed around|by Wolffor too long.
Tomorrow his whole career|is on the line.
So you guys up|for one last fight?.
Jas?.
It's payback time.
Mmm. You've got to look good|for the first day of shooting.
Do you copy that, Mr. Funny bones?.
"That's a big 1 0-4, Marty!'
[ Laughs ]|Mmm. Whoo!
I brought you all here|tonight for two reasons.
"A" you're all the best|in your given fields.
And "B" you all|despise this man... a lot.
Gang, let's roll up our sleeves|and get to work.
Let's begin.|Your assignments.
Red team, you guys stall him|until my parents get to the set.
Oh! That's it. Oh!|One more! Oh! That's it!
Blue team, I need your help|in the distract and delay tactics.
Gold team, you guys are responsible|for the mental warfare.
In order to get what we need,|we are talking...
complete physical and|psycho-emotional breakdown, people.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh.|- I want to see a broken man.
I'm talking broken like,
"Ooh, I just threw a baseball|through your window" broken.
Snap him like a twig.|Squeeze him like a bug.
I want you to turn him into mincemeat,|and I don't even know what mincemeat is!
I want him to scream|for his mommy: "Wah, wah!
Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!'|Do you hear me?.
Do you read me?.|'Cause I don't think--
I... think they read you.|Fair enough.
Guys, I just got one thing to say.
It's show time.|It's show time.
From the studio?.|Yes, sir.
Don't I know you?.|Yeah, you do.
I'm Frank Jackson. I was your driver|last year until you fired me.
Fabulous! Oh!
Boy, the acting career|must really be taking off.
Bravo, Brando. Let's get movin'.|I don't wanna be late.
[ Phone Rings ]|Yeah.|Monty, it's me.
Oh, hey, Marty. Did you get|some rest for the big day?.
Ah, are you kidding me?.|I spent half the night with a scrub|brush and a can of turpentine.
But bye-bye, Little Boy Blue,|I am back!
Hey, pedal to the metal,|Ricky Retardo!
Got a movie to shoot.
Uh, I'm sorry, sir. There seems to be|something... wrong with the car.
[ Phone Disconnects ]
[ Sighs ]
I'm gonna fix it.
Hot smoke.|Very hot smoke! Oh.
What the hell is happening?.|Stay right there.
- What?.|- No, Mr. Wolf. Don't come up here.
We have a situation.|The carbide lateral valve...
is connected to the defibrillator,|and it'sjust actin' up.
And the point is, this thing could blow|any second, so you might wanna back up.
Back up, back up.|Okay. What are you saying?.
The engine's fried.|I need a backup car.
Are you kidding me?.|My movie starts shooting in an hour!
Mr. Wolf, please.|I would very much appreciate it|if you didn'tyell at me. Okay?.
Uh-uh, uh-uh.|I wanna do right--
[ Stammering ]|Don't! Don't touch, dude!
I just-- I--|Do not touch!
[Car Brakes Squealing]
Hey! Everything okay here?.
Urkel.Jaleel.
Oh, my God, my man. This is incredible.|You gotta get me outta here, buddy.
- Hop in.|- No, no!
Mr. Wolf, please, no.|Please, no.|It's locked.
My pincer--|Can you unlock--|No, no, no.
[ Stammering, Protesting ]|No, Mr. Wolf!. Please.|Drive!
Sayonara, loser.
[ Sobbing ]
F-Man to J-Dog. F-Man to J-Dog.|The baton has been passed.
Roger that, F-Man.|Well done.
Who's the bad actor now,|Mr. Wolf?. Those were real tears!
K-Bird, the baton|has been passed.
Got it.
Nice car!|TV money, baby.
Didn't wear those glasses and suspenders|all those years for free, dog.
That's a relief. Do you, uh--|Do you know where you're goin'?.
Takin' a shortcut. Look,|just throw your seat back|and relax, Wolf Man.
- You're in Jaleel's hands now.|- [ Laughs ]
Okay.|Whoo!
[ Yelps ] You did a fishtail!|That was a close one.
Oh, yeah!
##[Rap]|Yeah, baby!
Whoo! Yeah!|Where in the hell|are you taking me?.
I told you. I know a shortcut.|Through the desert?
Slow down, you maniac!|I'm gettin' out!
- It's your call, baby.|- I'm gonna do it.
- Do what you gotta do.|- I am gettin' out, pal.
Go!
## [Rap Continues ]|Not bad.|Yo,Jaleel at the wheel.
The condor has flown the coop.|Roger that,J-Dub.|Wait. What does that mean?.
Means I'm leavin' Wolf|in the middle ofthe desert.|Urkel is out! Whoo!
[ Grunts ]
[ Screams ]
[ Dialing ]
[ Phone Rings ]|Hello?.
Ah, Monty, it's me.
Oh, hey, Marty.|Is everything okay?.
No, no, no.|Everything is fine.
Except, uh, oh, yeah.|I'm stuck in the middle of the desert!
Do you hear what I am saying to you?.|The what?.
The desert!|You gotta get me outta here.
How?.|I don't care how, Monty!Just do it!
[ Disconnects ]
Ready to go Wolfhunting?.
I borrowed the chopper|from the shoot.
You're in good hands, Wolf.|I flew 49 combat missions in Vietnam.
All right. Save me|the sob story, Methuselah.
I already sat through Platoon.
Just get me to the set!
[ Laughs ]
# Right here|Right now#
# Right here|Right now #
# Right here|Right now #
- # Right here, right now #|- This is Father Time.|We're headed your way.
Roger that, F.T.
- They're airborne.|- Copy that.
Let's punch a hole in the sky,|Grandpa. Go, go, go!
Let's get a tail wind behind this bird,|old-timer. [ Whooping]
## [Rap ]
Brando to base. Brando to base.|The sheep has located the|Shepherds and we're coming home.
Yes!
[ Beeping ]
Oh, boy.
What's that?.|What's happening?.
One of our blades is jammed.|We're gonna have to do a forced evac.
What-- What are you|talking about?.
Come on, we gotta jump.|This bird is going down!
[ Beeping ]
Aah!
Are you kidding me?.|I wish I was.
You're gonna have to hold on tight.|We've only got one chute.
I hope it supports us both.
Wait! This is insanity!|Vince!
Have you done this before?.
Oh, don't worry, Wolf.|I'm a professional.
Granddad's been doin' this|a long, long time.
[ Laughs ]|Vince!
[Beeping Continues ]
This is Chopper One to Control.|Papa Bear and the Wolf|have left the building.
# Right here|Right now##
Not like this!|Oh, sweet God! Not like this!
Aaaah!
Ah. Hello, sir.
- Where's Wolf?.|- Uh, late.
Bad.
[Phone Ringing]
- Hello?.|- I'm on the lot, Monty!|I'll be there in a minute!
- Marty!|- I'm not lying.
Just stall Duncan another|second. Okay?. I'm coming.
- Hey, Wolf.|- How's it hangin', Shepherd?.
##[Western Showdown Theme ]
[ Funnybones Squeaks ]
[ Gasps ]
Gimme back my monkey.
- Come and get him.|- [ Sighs ]
You two! Good-bye!
I'm comin', Funnybones!
[ Yells ]
[ People Shouting ]
## ["Deck The Halls"]
Look out!
Come on!
Right behind ya, Shepherd!
## [Mexican ]
You can't out run the Wolf, kid!
Yeah, we'll see about that.
Hang on, Funnybones,|Daddy's coming!
He's all yours, Lester.
- [ Computer Beeps ]|- Activate water.
Aaah!
Who's the geek boy now?.|You spaz!
This is it, Monty. Ifhe's not here|in 60 seconds, this movie's over.
Right up there is where|the big stunt is taking place.
This way.
"Help! Come and rescue me, Marty."
Feet, don't fail me now.
[ Moans ]
Let go of the monkey.
- Call my dad.|- Never.
- Yes.|- No!
Ah! Gotcha, kid.
It's over.|You lose, and I win.
I don't think so, Wolf.|Oh, you don't think so?.
Come on,Jason.|You're smarter than that.
You write a story,|I steal it, and now I'm|about to start shooting...
the greatest movie|of my career.
So you admit|you stole my story?.
We've been over this.|It's ancient history.
Yeah, I stole your story!|Whoop-di-doodle-doo!|You happy now?.
I stoleJason Shepherd's paper|and turned it into Big Fat Liar!
You know who's listening, pal?.|Hmm?. No one.
And they never will.|So for the last time, give it up!
Because I will never, ever, ever--|like never, ever, ever,
ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever--|infinity--
tell the truth.|[ Blowing Raspberry ]
Because the truth's overrated, right?.
That's right!|[Man ]|And cut!
Huh?.
I told you, Wolf. The only way|to shoot this scene is from|1 2 different camera angles...
with birds flyin' around.
Oh, and, by the by,
Confucius say,|"Kastang, you're busted."
Rock 'n' roll, baby.
It's just like you wanted, Wolf.
The press is all here.
You stole the idea for this|movie from a 1 3-year-old boy?.
He's, um--
He's 1 4.
This is the end ofthe line, Wolf.
It's over.
[ Growls ]
Wolf, I wanna say thanks.
You taught me|a valuable lesson.
The truth:|It's not overrated.
[ Laughing ]
I am gonna get you, Shepherd!
[Screams ]
[ Applauding ]
You did all this just|to prove you weren't lying?.
I wanted to earn|your trust back, Dad.
You've earned it, buddy.|You've earned it.
Hey!
[ Laughs ]|We got a movie to shoot. Huh?.
Come on.|Let's make some magic.
The human hit factory|is ready to roll!
[ Laughs ]
Yeah, let's go home.
Hey, where do you think|you're going?.
You cannot turn your backs|on me!
I'm Marty Wolf!.|All right, fine!
Fine! You're all fired!
[Man]|You suck, Marty.
You, uh, certainly know|how to make an entrance.
What can I say?. I got big feet.
[ Laughs ]
You were right, Penny.|The truth: It's not overrated.
[Audience Applauding]
Whoo!
Oh, oh!
Congratulations.|It was incredible.
[ Rings ]
[ Sighs ]|It's show time.
Hey, kids.|I'm Wolfie the Clown.
Whoo! And, uh, "I'm Mr. Funnybones!|Happy birthday, Darren."
- Oh, my God!|- Oh, no.
Yo, Little Mash.|Show him your nutcracker.
[ Yells ]
- [ Kids Cheering ]|- [ Screaming ]
[ Groans ]
# Can you move it like this #
# I can shake it right back#
# Can you move it like this #
# I can shake it right back #
# Can you move it like this #
# I can shake it right back #
# Come on, ladies|rock the party #
# Shake your body, everybody #
# Come on, everybody #
# Let's move it all night #
# Uh, uh-huh #
# Gonna take you back|to the old school #
# Can you feel the vibe #
# Let's dance to the rhythm|and let me see you #
# Why you waste time #
# Uh, uh-huh #
#Jump back and do the twist #
# And the electric start|Hey #
# Can you move it like this #
# I can shake it right back #
# Can you move it like this #
# I can shake it right back #
# Can you move it like this #
# I can shake it right back #
# Come on, fellows|start the party #
# Shake your body, everybody #
# Let's get funky|Do the same sound#
# Sing, 'cause we gonna get|on the floor and do it like this #
# Can anyone do|the chocolate bar #
# Like back in the days #
# Uh, uh-huh #
# We thought|we'd bring it to ya #
# For hummin'|Keep ya groovin', yeah #
# Uh, uh-huh #
# Well, I can see everybody|on the floor #
# Doin' the runnin'man #
# Uh, uh-huh #
# Do the mashed potato #
# Or walk the Philly dog ifyou can #
# Hey #
# Can you move it like this #
# I can shake it right back #
# Can you move it like this #
# I can shake it right back #
# Can you move it like this #
# I can shake it right back #
# Come on, y'all|let's rock the party #
# Shake your body, everybody #
# Remember back in the days when we|used to just do the boogaloo #
# Everybody gets to rock|to the beat #
# SonnyJoe, pickin ' up dough #
# And everybody runs|to get down with the deejay #
# When he plays smooth music #
# Let's dip it, tip it|We went rockin'|We keep tippin'#
# Come on, baby|Let's rock this rock #
# We gonna get up on the dance floor|and do the Pee-wee Herman #
# So shake it up|and do the bus stop #
# And do the robot #
# And baby, do the rocket|Move it, man #
# Can you move it like this #
# L.A., Atlanta #
# Can you move it like this #
# New York, what's up #
# Can you move it like this #
# Seattle, Dallas and Houston #
# Can you move it like this #
# Baltimore and D. C. now #
# Can you move it like this #
# Tampa, do the dip now #
# Can you move it like this #
# Memphis, I knowyou do|the funky chicken #
# Can you move it like this #|# I can shake it like that #
# You know, you know, you know #|# Come on, y'all|let's rock the party #
# Shake your body, everybody #
#Japan|Japanese, you know #
# France|That's where we ought to go #
# London #
# I know you're doin'|the hitchhike #
# Can you move it like this #
# I can shake it right back #
# Can you move it like this #
# I can shake it right back #
# Can you move it like this ##
# Canada, Australia ##
## [ Singing In Spanish ]
Jason?|Hey,Jason,you awake?
Yeah, Dad, been up for hours.|J ust getting dressed.
Did you finish that paper|for English class?.|Yeah, did it last night.
Jas, did you eat|your oatmeal?.
Yeah, thanks, Mom.|It was delicious.
Here you go, Trooper.|# Is something wrong with me#
# Orthe way that I'm thinking|Come on, come on#
# And tell me|why you're staring#
# Come on, come on--#
[ All Chuckling ]
Nice board, Shepherd.
Bret, I would love|to hang around...
and be physically and|emotionally abused by you guys,
but I should probably|get to school.
Ow. See, I had a feeling|you were an excellent bully.
And I was right.|Take it easy.
Give me|the skateboard.|You sure?.
'Cause now you're going from harmless|bully to hardened boardjacker.
I don't think you wanna|do that, do you?.
[School Bell Ringing]
# Come on, come on and tell me|why you're staring#
# Come on, come on|and stop ##
I assume everyone|has completed their creative|writing assignments.
- [ Pager Ringing ]|- I don't want to hear excuses.
Ijust want to hear|your assignments readaloud|in a slow and peaceful--
- You,Joshua. Go.|- Uh, my dog ate it?
- I know you don't have a dog.|- Right. Sorry.
- Miss Caldwel I ?.|- Yes, Kaylee?
Can you open the door?.|I t's kinda toasty in here.
I suppose so.
[ Grunts ]
Jason Shepherd, did you just|come in from that window?.
No. You looked flushed.|I was just creating a cross-draft.
Now that we're all comfortable,|why don'tyou read us your story?.
Let's give someone else a chance.|No, we'd like to hear yours.
You did do it, didn't you?.
Miss Caldwell--|can I call you Phyllis?.
- No.|- Understood.
But as much as I wanted|to write my paper--
I mean, I really, really wanted|to write my paper--
I couldn't.
And it's because I spent all last night|in the Greenbury General emergency room.
See, my mom made|Swedish meatballs for dinner.|It's my dad's favorite.
He was so excited, he accidentally|swallowed one whole.
It was awful! He started choking.|His faced turned purple.
The meatball was bulging out|ofhis neck. We rushed him to the E.R.
I kept trying to write my paper|in the waiting room,|but it was too hard.
I needed to be by my father's side.|After all, he's the only dad I got.
You're lying through your|teeth, you little demon.
I wish I were, Phyllis.|Call my dad if you want.
His number's 555-0147.
I think I will.
Are you crazy?.|You're totally gonna get busted.
Say "Harry Shepherd's office."|No way. Don't drag me into this.
- Come on. Help me out. What am I supposed to do?|- How about write the paper?.
- Do it. Do it!|- No. No!
Harry Shepherd's office.|One moment please.
[ Tired, SickVoice ]|Hello?. Oh, hello. Miss Caldwell.
Yes, it's true.|It was terrifying!
I started to see the white light.
I was just about to cross over|to the other side,
when I heard the voice of an angel calling out,|and when I opened my eyes,
I saw my sweet, sweet Jason|standing over me.
And I said,|"Back off, Grim Reaper.
I ain't done living yet."
And with every ounce of gas|I had left in my body,
I burped that meatball|right across the room.
And I owe it all to my son.
I'm sorry, Miss Caldwell.|I should stop talking now.
My throat is still very sore.
Thank you.
- [Door Opens ]|-Jason!
I am so sorry!.
You just take your time|handing in that assignment.
Thank you.
Now back to those|creative assignments. You, Trevor. Go.
[School Bell Rings ]
Oh! J ust who I was looking for.|I need to see you in here.
I would love to hang out|and chat with you, Miss "C."
But I've got to get home|and take care of my daddy.
Oh, really?.
How could you lie to us,Jas?|You told me you wrote that paper.
I don't know. Unfortunately that essay |counts for 1/3 of Jason's grade.
Without it, he's gonna fail the class.|He'll have to repeat the course in summer school.
What?. I can't go|to summer school.
There must be something|he can do to make this up.
I'm teaching English as a second language|at the community college until 6:00.
If you can get me the paper by then,|I'll consider counting it.
And don't even think about|downloading something from the Net.
- I want the essay handwritten.|- A thousand-word story in three hours?.
That should be no problem since making up stories|seems to be your God-given talent.
[ Dad's Voice ] Making up stories|seems to be your God-given talent.
[ Thinking ]|Big...
fat... Iiar.
Kenny Trooper was|the world's biggest liar.
They say a little lie|can grow bigger and bigger.
One man will pay the price.
People everywhere stopped|and stared at the big fat liar.
Yes!
Why'dhe have to steal|my skateboard today?
Nice wheels, Shepherd!|[ Laughing ]
Freak!
Uh, sir?.|I think we just hit a kid.
I'm on the phone!
Sorry. Apparently we ran over|a kid or something.
You all right there, buddy?.|Yeah.
But you gotta help me out.|I have to get to the community|college in two minutes...
or I'm gonna fail|out of eighth grade.|What's going on here?.
- I need a ride.|- What, am I running a taxi service?.
It's right down the road. You're lucky|I don't sue you for whiplash.
Actually...|my neck does feel pretty stiff.
[ Groaning]
Get in the car.
Watch the shoes!|Watch the shoes!
Man! If you only knew|the kind of day I've had!
Yeah, it must be really,|really tough to be 1 1.
I'm actually 1 4.|Oh, my mistake.
Jason Shepherd.
Marty Wolf.
Famous Hollywood producer.
[ Scoffs ] I'm in town|shooting my new picture.
Oh, yeah, you're that guy.
Dude, no offense, but you have made|some stinkers in the last few years.
- Yeah, well, everyone|has a dry spell, Ebert.|- It's Jason.
Trust me. All it takes is one hit|to get you back on top.
Yeah, that's what I'm counting on|with this story I'm handing in.
Oh, really?. Why don'tyou|tell me more about that?.
I tried to get out of it,|but my teacher busted me.
What'd you go with,|dog ate your homework?.
- No. Dad choked on a meatball.|- And you spent all night with him in the E.R.?
Yeah.
Your teacher called the old man to confirm,|you imitated his voice on the cell phone?.
Yeah, pretty much.
All right, listen and learn, short stack.|Here's where you went wrong.
You should've forged the doctor's note,|made your dad your sister...
and changed the meatball|into a chicken wing.
It's much easier to swallow|if you G.M.D...which means "Get my drift."
Wow. You're good.
No, no, no. I'm the best.
- Here we are.|- All right, God bless you,Jared.
- It's Jason.|- And it always will be.
Keep practicing those lies,Jiminy.
'Cause you can take it from me.|The truth?. It's overrated.
Now get out!
I got a movie to produce!
Thanks for the ride, gentlemen.
Ciao.
Hey-o! You left--
- Back to the set, sir?.|- Yeah. Double-time it, driver.
Listen, Whitaker,|I'm noty our sister, I'm not your girlfriend,
and I'm not your priest.|[ Clucking]
So if you wanna remain my partner,|I've got two words for you.
Shut the heck up!|You talkway too much!
Can we cut?. Can we--|[ Coughing ]
'Cause this ain't working|for me at all.
What do you think you're doing?.|Fumigating me in here?.
Move!|Moving.
Why did you call cut?. I did not|tell you to stop acting, Urkel.
Wolf, how many times|have I told you not to call me Urkel?.
My name is Jaleel White, okay?.
Urkel was a character|I played when I was a child.
Okay,Jaleel.|Hey, what's the problem?.
Wanna know the problem?.|Yeah.
I'm getting nothing|from the chicken,|that's the problem.
He sits there with his head slumped over.|I have no idea what my motivation is.
Mmm. Okay, you're|a police officer named Fowl.
Your new partner is a crime-fighting|chicken named Whitaker.
And your motivation is a nice|fat paycheck that's keeping you out...
of working the drive-through window at McDonald's.|Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Watch yourself, Wolf.|Watch yourself.
No, you watch yourself, pal.
You're just lucky I'm not making you|wear the freaky glasses and suspenders.
I swear. I was riding down the street|on Jamie's old bike and some limo hit me.
They offered me a ride.|I spilled all my stuff. I must've forgotten the paper.
Give us one reason|whywe should believe you.
Because it's true!
There was some guy in the limo.|Marty something. Maybe he took it.
What are our options?.
Without the essay,|summer school.
Or... summer school.
[Man]|Today, students,
we're going to learn about|the joys of a special friend...
I like to call Mr. Semicolon.
[Student Coughing]
The semicolon was first used...
in a 1734 letter|to British Parliament...
by Mr.Jedediah Wilkinson.
W-I -L...
I--|[ Snoring ]
Help... me.
Jason, you must've made|at least one friend.
Yeah, come to think of it,the kid behind me|who kept flicking boogers at my neck,
he seemed like|a really nice guy.
I shouldn't even be|in that stupid summer school.
Ifit makes you feel any better,|my parents are taking an adventure.
They're going on a river rafting|trip in the Grand Canyon.|But do I get an adventure?. No.
My big adventure is staying|at my Grandma Pearl's|with her toe fungus.
Well, you can hang out|at my place.
My folks are taking a long|weekend at some health spa|for their anniversary.
It'll just be me and Jamie|from Thursday till Sunday.
[Preview Narrator]|In a time...
when a little lie...
can grow bigger...
and bigger,
one man will pay the price.
Next summer,|people everywhere...
will stop and stare.
Marty Wolf Pictures presents...
Kenny Trooper,
the Bi g Fat Liar.
[ Kaylee ]|What do you think? Wanna see it?
See it?. I thi nk I wrote it.
[ Dad]|Not that again,Jason.|I'm telling you!
Wait a minute.|This is it.
Big Fat Liar is already being touted|as next summer's must-see movie event.
I recently sat down|with Marty Wolf,
the mastermind behind|this sure-to-be--
That's him!|That's the guy from the limo.
- How'd you come up with this idea?|- Some ideas you...
struggle and struggle with.
But the great ones,|well, they just come to you.
Yeah! From my backpack,|you loser!
-Jason.|- Dad.
I'm serious.|That guy stole my paper.
You have to believe me.
I can't.
Ijust don't trust you right now,Jas.
Have a nice weekend, kids.
We will.|[Mom ]|See you on Sunday. Have fun.
Look out for your brother.|Bye-bye.
We'll miss you guys.
[ Groans ]
Later.|I 'm going over to Rudy's.
- Rudy.|- Yo, what's up, dog?
How you living, yo?.
It's crackin', kid!
Peace out, little "G."
Booyah!
He's not literally|a catcher eating rye bread.
It's more of a metaphor|for a state of adolescent angst.
- We need to talk.|- I'm tutoring.
Bet you wish you still had|your skateboard, huh, Shepherd?
Let's see.|Fully-developed brain.
Skateboard.
- I think I'll take the brain.|- But I have your skateboard.
-Kaylee, pack your bags. We're going on a trip.|-I can't just go to Los Angeles.
And I can't go through my life|having my parents think I'm a liar.
But you are a liar.|In general that's true.
But this time I'm telling the truth.|I wrote that paper.
And I'm not gonna rest until Wolf admits|he stole it and my parents know it.
What are we supposed to do?.|Walk across the country?.
Three years of yard work and baby-sitting money.|Our flight leaves in two hours.
What about my Grandma Pearl?|I'm staying at her house|while my parents are away.
That woman doesn't|even know what year it is.
You said you wanted an adventure.
We'll go to L.A., I'll get my paper,|and we'll be back before the long weekend is over.
My grandma will notice|if I don't even show up at all.
[Bret ] Hey, Kaylee,|you got a plunger?
I took a dookie and|I clogged up the toilet. Oh, boy. Oh, no.
What a mess.|[ Laughing ]
This is never gonna work.|She's not that blind and senile. Oh, it'll work.
If any of my team mates|see me, Shepherd, you're dead.
Hey, we made a deal. You want us to do|your summer school homework or not?.
Yeah, it's just--|It's only a few days.
And remember. You have to|make your voice sound like a girl's.
Come on, big feller.
Who's there?. I've got a gun.
It's just Kaylee, Grandma.
Kaylee?.
You can't be Kaylee.|You've grown so tall.
And you're so muscular!
[ Laughs ]|I'm benching like 220, 230.
Good for you!|Give me a hug.
Come on.
# Me, myself and I#
# Me, myself and I|Just me, myself and I#
# Ahh-ahh-ahh#
[Woman Over P.A. System:|Indistinct ]
Follow my lead.|Okay.
Hi. I'm Mr. Stroog.
[ Laughs ]
You serious?.|Is there a problem?.
No, no. Uh--
Just you're kind a young to be the biggest|fur coat distributor of the Midwest, you know?.
It's a family business. I've been|selling pelts since I was a baby.
Okay.
I'm Frank.
Frank, we want to get some sightseeing in| before we start covering this town in fur.
Okay. So this here|is a little place I like to call...
Los Angeles.
# Me, myself, myself and I#
#Just me, myself#
# Do it all the time #
# I wanna get by #
# And that's fine #
# Me, myself, myself and I|Just me, myself and I #
# Me, myself, myself and I|Just me, myself and I ##
Thanks for the I ift, Frank.|We'll take it from here. You got it, Mr. Stroog.
Here's my card. If you need|a ride, give me a shout-out.
Thanks.
[Man ]|Welcome, ladies and gentlemen.
This is Ron, your driver,|and I am Arthur, your tour guide.
So, what's the plan?.
When we get to Wolf's building,|we jump off, infiltrate his office,
make him admit|he stole my story.
That's it?. That's the lamest|plan I've ever heard.
Trust me.|It's gonna work.
[Tour Guide ]|So stay tuned.
This is the back lot where|many of our hit movies are made.
And speaking of movies, in just|a few days we're beginning filming...
next summer's smash sensation--|Come on, fol low me.
Big Fat Liar!
Excuse me, guard?.|Where's stage two?.
Security! Let's go!
Can I take a moment to say:|How totally awesome is this?.
[ Phone Rings ]|Marty Wolf Pictures.
Please hold.
Marty Wolf Pictures.|Please hold. Can I help you?.
We're here to see Marty Wolf.|Do you have|an appointment?.
I ask you,
Astrid,|what kind of sick world this is...
when children need an appointment|to see their own father?.
Mr. Wolf|doesn't have children.
- Not that he knows of.|- Shh.
Look, this is gonna be|an emotional reunion for all of us,
so once you let us in, you're probably gonna|wanna hold Papa's calls as well.
Mr. Wolf doesn't see anyone|without an appointment.
Marty Wolf Pictures.
No, she stepped away.
I'd love to take a message.|You've got it.
If you'd slow down--
Help me out.|Help me out.|No. No.
Help me out. Help me out.|Help me out. No. No. No. Okay.
Oh.
Marty Wolf Pictures.|One moment, please.
Operator.|Hi. Marty Wolf Pictures, please.
[ Panting, Barks ]|[Phone Rings ]
Marty Wolf Pictures.|Astrid Barker, please?.
Speaking.|This is Doris Del Rio down in parking.
- Do you drive a Saturn?|- Yes.
- Well, it's um--|- It's parked on a dog.
- I'm not gonna say that.|- Come on!
- Hello?.|- Your car's parked on a dog.
Your car is parked on a dog.
My car is parked on a dog?.
Yes, ma'am. In the tail area|to be more specific.
[ Gagging ]|It's gruesome, actually.
- Listen for yourself.|- [Jason Barking ]
[ Barking, Whining ]
Hang on, okay?.|I'm coming! Don't die!
Just stay! Keep breathing!|Think ofa happy place.
All right,|keep a lookout.
I'm sure this thing will be over|in just a few minutes.
[Phone Ringing]
[Ringing Continues ]
Marty Wolf Pictures.|Can I take a message?.
Mr. Wolf is about|to go into a meeting.
Uh-huh. San-- Sandler.|Mm-hmm.
[Wolf] We're not just looking|for my personal organizer, Monty.
That thing is my life!|Ifyou've lost it, then you've killed me.
Simple as that.|Draw a I i ne of chal k around me,|because I am dead!
[ Monty]|I understand that.|No, you don't.
You always say that.|No, you don't!
[Monty]|Did you check your jacket pocket?
What do I look like, a moron?.|No, if you remember|that one time--
Fine, Monty, fine.|If it'll make you happy, I'll check my jacket pocket.
It's in there.
[ Sighs ]
Uh, hello?. Excuse me.|Hey, how's it goin'?.
Ah, who are you?.|Jason Shepherd.
Remember me?.|I wrote Big Fat Liar.
Ah-- [ Laughs ]
Monty, hold my calls.
Give me a few minutes alone|here with Mr. Shepherd.
Well, well, well.
Jason Shepherd!|The young man from Greenbury, Michigan.
I must tell you,|this is quite a surprise.|What can I do for you, amigo?.
I want you to call my dad|and tell him you stole the story from me.
Call your dad?. Why?.
Because it's the truth, and you're|the only one he'll believe.
You traveled halfway|across the country...
to get me to call your dad|and tell him you did your homework?.
You make that phone call,|and you will never hear from me again.
- Okay.|- Really?.
Yup.
It's a great piece ofwork, kid.|And I'm not just blowing smoke.
I refer back to it whenever|I get in a bind on the script.
So you'll give it back to me|and make the phone call?.
Hey, you gave me my movie.|It's the very least I can do for you.
Hey...|you smoke cigars, hotshot?.
I'm... 1 4, Wolf.
All right, suit yourself.
Jason Shepherd|ofGreenbury, Michigan--
Ahh. It was a pleasure|doing business with ya.
- Oh! What have I done?.|- No! No!
Stand back, son! Let me try and|tamp it out with this lit cigar.
Oh, I seem to be|making matters worse.
Good move!
Hold on, help is on the way.
Stand back!
Oh! Ohhh.
You're sick!|You know that?.
All I wanted you to do was call my dad|and tell him I wrote that paper!
Or else what?. You gonna|shoot me with a spitball, hmm?.|Gonna give me a wedgie?.
Grow up, Shepherd!|This is Hollywood, baby.|It's a dog-eat-dog town.
Worse. We got cats eatin' cats.|We got fish munchin' fish.
We play by our own rules.|[ Chuckling ]
I am not leaving|until you make that call!
Oh, I'll make a call, all right.|Malone speaking.
Rocco, this is the Wolf.|Senda couple of your boys|down here. I got a Code "W"
Another angry writer|refusing to leave. Wolf out.
- I tried to play fai r, Wolf,|but you asked for it!|- [ Fake Whimpering ]
You asked for it. You don't|know who you're messing with!|Come on!
Thanks for holding.|Can you spell Soderbergh for me?.
Thanks, Steven.|I'll have Mr. Wolf return.|[Phone Ringing]
Marty Wolf Pictures.|[Jason ]|No,you don't understand!
Let go! I'm telling you.|It was my idea.
Oh, yeah, and I wrote|The Nutty Professor.|I heard it all before.
Uh... hi.
Hey, Astrid. Adam Sandler|called to set up a lunch.
I sent some flowers|to Meg Ryan 'cause she|sounded like she had a cold.
Oh, and I scheduled|a deep body massage for you at 3:.00.
You look like you can use|a little "you" time.
Thank you, kind stranger.
What can I say?.|This is Hollywood, Kaylee.|It's a fish-eat-fish town.
They play by their own rules out here.
Does that mean we're going home?.|We're going home... as soon as|Wolf admits he stole my story.
I'm not trying to be negative,|but didn't we just find out Wolf|isn't going to admit the truth?.
He'll do it.|How?.
'Cause I have his life|in the palm of my hand.|Great, so we're stealing now.
We're not stealing.|We're borrowing.
I've got Wolf's alarm codes,|credit card numbers, his schedule.
So?.|So this is awesome.
Give me one day and I'll figure out|a way to use this info against him.
I don't know,Jas.
I can't go home|until my dad knows the truth.
If you saw the way|he looked at me. It was like--
I don't know.|Like I wasn't his kid anymore.
Do you think your plan|might include food|and a place to sleep?.
The guard!|Let's get outta here!
Let's check out|that warehouse.
Looks like we found|our temporary home.
[Kaylee ]|Look at all this stuff.
Oh!
All right, Kay, we're gonna need|clothes and supplies.|Let's hunker down...
until the law dogs punch out,|and start racking up the merch.
What are you talking about?.
We'll stay here until closing time|and then we go shopping.
# The party's just begun#
# Everybody's having fun#
# Why don't we run away #
# And play some one-on-one #
# Let's find a place|just you and me #
# With no one around#
# Where we can be|who we wanna be #
# And no one brings us down #
# I, I wish|this night would never end#
# I, I wish|this night would never end#
# We're on our own|Just me and you #
# No one around#
# Where we can do|what we wanna do #
# I hope we're never found#
# I, I wish|this night would never end#
# I wish this night|would never end##
[ Knocking Sound]
J as?.
I 'm at the beach.
Hey, Frank. Mr. Stroog.|Meet us at the studio gate in 20.
- Hey.|- [ Panting ]
- What's with the Cokes?.|- The machine, it's rigged.|They're free.
[ Hysterical Laughing ]|They're free!
[Jason ] Good morning, Frank.|Let's get moving.
We've got furs to sell.|Yeah.
Fur coat king of|the Midwest, my butt!
I've got some R-rated|dialogue for you,|but I'm gonna keep it P.G.
I'm gonna keep it P.G.|You owe me $1 00|for yesterday's ride.
- Maybe--|- You almost cost me my job.
- I'm sorry, I can explain.|- D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D! Hear that?.
-Just--|- D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D!
- Maybe if we--|- I don't wanna hear it. Okay?.
- I know, I just--|- D-D-D-D-D-D-D!
- If you--|- D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D!
- If-- Don't--|- D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D!|D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D!
I'm sorry. It's just that|we came out here to get even|with this guy Marty Wolf.
- He stole my story. He's making|it into this big movie.|- Whoa.
- Did you just say MartyWolf?.|- Yeah. You know him?.
Know him?. I used to drive him.|He fired me last year.
- Why?.|- I'm an actor. See?.
Right? And I made the mistake|of asking him if I could|audition for one ofhis movies.
He could've said no|and not let me audition.
But instead he takes my head shot,|writes "loser" across my forehead,
and then faxes it to every|casting director in town.
You poor thing.
If you guys wanna mess|with Wolf, I got your back.
[Jason's Voice ]|Today, it's know the enemy time.
Right on schedule.
[Wolf] Okay, people, we begin|production in two days.
Dusty! El director.|First up's the big stunt.
I wanna start this shoot off|with a bang! I wanna blow them away|right out of the gate! Hit me!
- Rock and rol l, baby,|I am ready to party.|- Go!
Okay! Harumph! We open.|Twelve different camera angles.
Smoke ascending|from the streets of the city.
Kastang!|Birds descending from the heavens...
like winged messengers|from above, beckoning.
[ Wolf]|Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Confucius say,|"Easy does it, skippy."
I can barely afford one camera,|let alone twelve. And forget the birds.
Monty, talk to me|about the budget.
We're two million dollars over, and the|studio hasn't approved the new budget.
When are they supposed|to do that?.
Tomorrow morning you have a breakfast|meeting at Marcus Duncan's house.
[ Scoffing ] Oh. I have a breakfast|meeting at Marcus Duncan's house.
You can tell our little|vice president he can drag|his sorry butt to myplace...
if he wants to have a little sit-down|chin-wag with the Wolf Man.
Actually, sir,
he's not the V.P. anymore.
[ Clears Throat ]|He's the president.
I see. Well, um,
get his address,|we don't wanna be late now, do we?.
Next!
Now, for a big movie,|you need a big stunt.
And for a big stunt, you need|serious media coverage.
I'm talkin' TV, print,|that Internet crap, everything.
Now who's handling that?.|I am.
Jocelyn Davis,|senior V.P. of publicity.
Yeah?. Sure you're not senior V.P.|of Twinkies?. [ Chuckling ]
Ooh, funny.
I'll make sure the shoot|is well-covered.|Terrific!
Okay, people, meeting's over.|What's next, Monty?
Cool!|1 2:30, stunt demonstration.
- What do you think, Marty?. Nice, huh?.|- Perfect. What do you think?.
- Bam! Loved it.|- Yeah, but actually, I think...
I liked it better the first time|I saw it... in 1 942,
you dinosaur!
Vince, meet my new effects whiz,|Lester Golub.|Pleasure to meet--
Shh! Lester is going to design|the stunt on his iBook.
And your stunt guy's gonna do|whatever the computer tells him to do.
I don't need a computer|to show me how to do myjob.
Geek boy, ignore FatherTime|over here and get workin'.
From the looks of you, I'm sure|that you don't have a social life.
So you two will get together tomorrow|to finalize the details. Play nice.
I'm offtomorrow.|I'm taking a personal day.
I-- What was that?.
Personal day?. Wh-What|are you talking about, Vince?.|What's a personal day?.
I'm taking my granddaughter|to a birthday party.
- Ahh! Oh. May I?.|- Sure.
Oh, that is great!|Would you look at that!
Clown with the crazy hair!
Oh, man!
Man, that's fun.
See, this is the movie business,|Grandpa! The talkies!
You know?. You can take|your personal day in a year|or two when you're dead!
[Jason ] Today we learned|we're officially dealing|with the meanest man alive!
All right, colored dye.|Check.
MegaGlue.|Check.
Oh, my God.
Grandma Pearl. Bret must be|in a living hell right now.
[ Grunting ]
How many more, Kaylee?.
Fifty.|I gotta get ripped, baby.
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!|Feel no burn!
'Cause I'm the best, baby!|I'm the best!
You know, Grandma, you should think|about getting into shape yourself.
One more, Grandma!|One more, Grandma!
It's all you! I ain't helping!|Last one! Yeah!
[Phone Ringing]
[ Game Ringing, Beeping ]|[ Cell Phone Ringing ]
[ Ringing ]|Hello?.
- Hey,Jas.|- Hey, Dad!
Just called to see|how you were doing.
- Um, doing good. You know,|staying out of trouble.|- What's that noise?.
Just doing this experiment|for science class, this thing|with ball bearings and bells.
Just wanted to check in 'cause|you looked upset when we left.|Yeah, about that, Dad.
I just want you to know,|I totally get what you said|about the whole trust thing.
I think when you get back,|you'll see I've been trying|really hard to earn it.
- Glad to hear it, pal.|- Good night, Dad.
- Night.|- Call forwarding. Gotta love it.
You really think|this is gonna work?.
One day. That's all it's gonna take.|Wolf's not gonna know what hit him.
Jas, little help here.
What about your parents?.|Think they'll call?.
They're in the middle|of the canyon. There's no phones.
Hey, thanks for|coming out here with me.
I came for the adventure,|remember?.
Right.
Anyway, we shouldget|some sleep.
- Tomorrow we launch phase two.|- Whoa!
[ Alarm Beeping ]
It's show time,|Mr. Funny bones.
[ Laughing ]|You cute little monkey, you!
[ Monkey Sounds ]
You!
## [ Humming ]|Look out! Pss! Pss! Pss!
"Ow!' Pss! Pss! Pss!|"Cut it out, Marty!
Hey, that kills, Marty."|[ Laughing ]
[ Sighs ]|Hungry!
# Dark in the city|Night is a wire#
# Steam in the subway|Earth is afire #
# Do-do-do-do|do-do-do-do-do, do-do #
# Woman you want me|Give me a sign #
# And catch my breathing|even closer behind#
# Do-do-do-do|do-do-do-do-do, do-do #
Mr. Earpiece,|meet Miss MegaGl ue.
# I'm on the hunt|I'm afteryou #
# Smell like I sound|I'm lost in a crowd#
# And I'm hungry|like the wolf#
# Straddle the line|in discord and rhyme #
# I'm on the hunt|I'm afteryou #
# Mouth is alive|with juices like wine #
# And I'm hungry|like the wolf#
# Stalked through the forest|too close to hide #
# I'll be upon you|by the moonlight sign #
# Do-do-do-do|do-do-do-do-do, do-do #
Let's dance, Funnybones!
# High blood drumming|on your skin, it's so tight #
# You feel my heat|I'm just a moment behind#
# Do-do-do-do|do-do-do-do-do, do-do ##
Oh, my God!
[ Ringing ]
Good morning.|Marty Wolf Pictures. This is Monty.
Monty! Charisma from|Marcus Duncan's office.
I'm temping for a second assistant.
I am so psyched you're there.|I was watching Charmed|on the W.B. last night...
and just as Alyssa Milano|was about to put a spell|on her demon boyfriend,
I had the biggest panic attack|that I forgot to give you|Duncan's new address.
Really?. I didn't know he moved.|That was quick.
Oh, yeah, in a big way. He bought|like the sickest pad in the 90210.
We're talking mondo bucks.|[Laughing]
Anyhoo, tell Mr. Wolf|that Duncan lives at...
All right.|Thanks. Got it.
[ Phone Ringing ]|What?.
It's Monty. I'm glad I caught you.|Duncan moved.
Cancel the meeting.
And get one of the makeup chicks|to meet me at the office.|This is an emergency.
No, no. You cannot cancel|the meeting.
If Duncan doesn't approve|the new budget, we can't|start shooting tomorrow.
[ Laughing ] I don't think|you understand, Monty. I'm blue.
Aw, come on.|Now, we all have our off days.
[ Laughing ]
No, I mean I'm literally--
And I've got orange--|[ Groans ]
Come on, Wolf Man.
Okay, forget it.
Give me his address.|I'll figure something out.
Copy that.
Did you come up with an ending|for the scriptyet?.
I'm working on it.
I'm headed across the lot|to do some research, but...|I could use a little help.
Monty, I am writing and producing|a major motion picture.
I don't have time to work on|the script! That's your job.
Now, stop wasting time|and get to work!
I'm 24 hours away from the most|important shoot of my career.
Wolf out!|Ow! Oh, G--
- Get glasses, Grandma!|- Upyours, blue boy!
Aah.
[ Car Lock Chirps ]
- Yeah, I'm, uh--|- [ Speaking Spanish ]
Uh-huh.
Got the alarm codes?|I'm all over it.
Rough. Sister,|I invented the word rough.
Duncan will be eating|sugar cubes out of my hand by|the time I'm finished with him.
Right.
What the--
It's the clown! Let's hurt him!|[ Yelling ]
Excuse me--
- [ Screaming ]|- I need backup!
[Boy]|Incoming!
[ All Yelling ]
I'm a very powerful|Hollywood producer!
What am I doing here?|Don't touch that, don't|touch that, don't touch--
You kids are all gonna|be hearing from my lawyer!|Don't let him get away!
Get off of me!|You wanna dance, kid?. Let's dance!
You want a piece of me?.|You want a piece of me?.
You're going down, clown!
Good, bring it! I'm Marty Wolf!.|You have any idea who I am?.
Come on, four eyes, huh?.
Hey, head's up, clown!
- [ Yelling ]|- [ Yelling ]
[Boy]|You're not even funny, clown!
[ Line Ringing ] Hello?.|Monty, where the hell|did you send me?.
Because it sure|wasn't Duncan's house!|How was I supposed to know?.
Don't speak,just listen.|Whatever you do, you gotta|get me in there with Duncan!
I'll just reschedule|the meeting, Marty! Geez!
Okay. That's all|you had to say.
Adios, sugarpuff!.|[ Shouts ]
[ Horn Honking ]|Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- What the--|- [ Honking Stops ]
[ Horn Honks Three Times ]
[ Sighs ]
## [ Car Radio: Loud Rock ]
## [Rock Continues ]
Stop!
[ Alarm Blaring ]
Hey, Marty, I like your new coloring.|It works foryou.
You did this?.|Yup.
And it can end anytime.|All you have to do is make|one phone call to my dad.
Shouldn't be much of a|problem since that headset|is superglued toyour ear!
Here's my dad's number.
Hi.
Call me.|Bye-bye.
Rotten kids!
[ Horn Honking,|Alarm Blaring ]
Shepherd!
[ Alarm Blaring,|Loud Rock Blaring ]
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
[ Horn Honks ]
- That's it!|- [ Noises Stop ]
Oh... my... God!
I'm gonna kill you!|Take it easy, man.|It wasn't my fault.
- The oldbag rear-endedme.|- Eat my boobies, blue boy!
That's very nice. That's really charming|from a woman of your advanced years.
Have a nice day!|It's just the tire.
You're gonna pay for this!
All right, listen... "Masher"|I'm sure we can come to|some monetary arrangement.
Yeah, that's what I thought,|tough guy!
- Who's the tough guy now, pal?.|- [ Tires Squealing ]
Oh, no. Come on.
No, dude, no.|Back off, man! No way!
[Screaming]
Two meetings in a row, Monty.
This is not the way to get on|the new president's good side.
I'm sorry, sir.
I'm sure there must be|some explanation.
They told me to pick up|a little blue car.
They didn't say anything about|a little blue man!
[Laughing]
[ Phone Rings ]|You got the Wolf.
Where are you?.|I am at Duncan's office right now!
I'm, uh--|I'm not gonna make it.
You, uh, tell him it's|your fault and reschedule.
I am not gonna lie to the new|president ofthe studio, Marty.
Don't get all high and mighty|on me, Monty, 'cause if |I go down, you're ridin' shotgun,
Tootsie Roll-- now,|make something up!
And I'll smooth things over|with him at the premiere.
- Fine.|- Wolf, out!
Hi, everybody. I'm Pat O'Brien,|and welcome to Tinseltown.
Well, here we are again,|this time at the world premiere|of producer Marty Wolf's...
action comedy,|Whitaker and Fowl.
So this must be a very|exciting evening for you.
Oh, yes! You know, it's just good|to get the past behind me...
and finally be taken|seriously as an actor.
Can I give a shout-out?.|Oh, my God,|it's the chicken!
[ Clucking ]
[ Crowd Clamoring, Applauding ]|Whitaker, over here!
Well, it looks like all of Hollywood|has turned out for this one.
But the question is,|where is Marty Wolf?.
Oh!|[ Woman ]|Oh, sweet Moses!
What is that?|Don't look in his eyes.
- Hey there, Marty.|- H-Hi!
Ready to end this?.
[ Laughs ]|Oh, kid.
You have no idea|who you are dealing with.
You think I care about|a couple of little pranks?. Nah.
[ Laughs ]|See you around, Shepherd.
[Phone Dialing]
[Phone Ringing]|Hello?.
This is J-Dog calling K-Bird.|Repeat,J-Dog calling K-Bird.
-Jas, is that you?.|- Yeah. I'm using code names.
Wolf didn't throw in the towel.|We're moving into phase three.
- What's phase three?.|- We're goin' to our first|Hollywood soiree.
I didn't know what to expect,|but all ofa sudden|it's like bam! Bad movie!
Can you say "boring"?.
Like when you did Saved by|the Bell. Quality, okay?.
I mean, substance.|Worst film in the world.
[ Whitaker Clucking,|Guests Chattering]
Whoa! There he is!
El Presidente.|## [ Humming "Hail to the Chief" ]
Ah. And his wife,|the very lovely Shaniqua.
It's Shandra.|Great to see ya.
Well?. I mean, I think|they loved it! Don'tyou?.
I think that sad excuse for a movie|just lost the studio $30 million.
I'm pulling the plug|on Big Fat Liar.
- What?.|- It's over, Wolf.
Look,just hear me out.
The truth is-- Would you|excuse us please, Shananny?.
The truth is, I missed those|meetings because I had...
an incredible breakthrough on B.F.L.,|which I was working on all day,
and I wanted to wait until we were|in front of the entire industry...
to make mypresentation.
One chance, Wolf,|that's all I'm givin' you.|And that's all I need.
Strap on your seat belt,|Dr. Duncanstein,
because you are|about to be blown away.
- Monty!|- Sorry. Marty!
God! What's going on?.
What is this big presentation|you're giving about the movie?.
I have no idea! None!
None. It is--|[ Blows Raspberry]
- I can help you.|- [ Gasps ]
Why do you keep|showing up in my life?.
Sounds like you need to come up with|some big idea for Big Fat Liar. Right?.
What?.
Some ten-year-oldkidis gonna|tell me how to fix my entire movie?
First of all, I'm 1 4.|Second of all, I created the story.
You think I can't at least|come up with a few good twists?
- Uh-huh.|- No--
You mean that this kid|really did write Big Fat Liar?
Uh-- No, he wrote|a little English paper...
with the same title--|big deal.
I-It's-- It--|Uh--
He's--
- Don't do it,Jason.|- Kid.
I swear to you,|you get me out of this mess,
and I'll tell your dad|you wrote Big Fat Liar,
Erin Brockovich and|Saving Private Ryan too.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen.
Friends! Uh, if I can have your|attention for just a moment, please?.
You're all probably wondering|why I'm blue and orange.
[ Everyone Laughs ]|Just go with me for a second.
You see, uh, Big Fat Liar.
B.F.L. " Bfl "|as it's come to be known,
is full of action, romance,|effects-- oh,you bet!
But what it lacks right now|is a message.
Trooper's girlfriend makes|this new potion which is|supposed to make him shrink.
[ In Earpiece ] But instead,|it causes him to change color.
[ Faking A Cough ] Why?.|Because now, the twist is...
he can't even lie|about his feelings anymore.
You see, his girlfriend, Penny,|she makes Trooper an antidote...
which, instead of curing him-- whoa--|causes him to change colors.
When he's bummed out|about stuff, he turns blue.
- When depressed, he turns blue.|- When he's mad, his hair turns red.
When he's angry, boom!
His curly locks turn the color|of a flaming brushfire!
But when he discovers the ultimate|truth that he's in love with Penny,
the softest shade of pink...
finds its wayacross his visage.
I didn't tell him to say that!
Wolf, what are you doing?.|You're not listening to me.
Just stick to the plan--|[ Yelps ]
I'm sorry. The emotions|in this movie are just so painful.
They are painful because--
'cause they hit home,|right here... in the old corazon.
Who among us hasn't told|a little white lie?|I have.
Anybody else?. You?.|[Man ]|Guilty.
You?. It's all right,|don't be ashamed, brother,|because I am right there with you.
I am right there with you.
You're all right, man.|Because our picture...
looks the audience|right in the eye...
and says enough is enough!
Lying has gotta stop.
The truth and the truth alone|shall set you free!
Friends, God bless all of you.
God bless America,
and God bless Big Fat Liar!
[ Cheering ]
Very impressive, Marty.
Now, does this mean that you|will approve the budget?.|You start shooting tomorrow.
That's great.|But if anything, and I mean|anything, goes wrong,
your movie, your deal|at the studio...
and your career|will be over, you hear me?.
Okay.
Hey-o!|[ Laughs ]
Shepherd, you are|a genius, buddy! Huh?.|[ Imitating Punches Landing ]
You ready to make that call?.|Time to let my fingers|do the walking.
- Here's my dad's phone number.|- All right. Ah, Daddy.
Ah. Hello,|this is MartyWolf.
I am standing here in mykitchen|withJason Shepherd.
I'm lookin' at him as we speak.
And you better bring backup.|[ Phone Disconnects ]
What are you doing?. I thought|you were on the phone with my dad.
Oh, I was on the phone, all right,|but it ain't with your old man.
You're a real piece ofwork, Shepherd.|Who are you?.
Rocco Malone, head of security|for Marty Wolf Pictures.
Thanks for all your help,|kid. Really.
Savin' my butt twice in one year.|Who would've "thunk"it?
Let's go, kid. Come on,|you too, Punky Brewster.
You can't do this.|We have a witness!
Hey, first lesson in Hollywood,|sweetheart. Always get it in writing!
What a day!
Here's the deal. The two of you|are gonna get on a plane,
go back home, forget this|ever happened-- clear?.
Good. Let's go get|you two guys packed up, huh?.
I can't believe|we're just gonna give up.
You're Jason Shepherd.|You can get out of anything.
Come on. You must have|a phase four up your sleeve.
Yeah. I guess I do.
[Phone Dialing]
- Hello?.|- Dad?. It's Jason.
- Hey.|- I haven't--
I haven't been totally honest|about what I've been up to|the last couple of days.
And, uh, I think it's time|I told you the truth.
The truth?.|[ Sighs ]
Hey, Rocco. Hey.
Hey.
Why don't you head home?.|I'll take the kids to the airport.
- You sure?.|- Yeah. I was gonna be up all night...
rewriting Wolf's script anyway,|so it's no problem.
All right then. I'm gettin' too old|for this baby-sittin' anyway.
You take it easy.
Good night.|Good night.
You know what the worst part|of this whole thing is?.
Wolf is just going to keep|getting away with it.
He treats all these people|like dirt, and no one has|the guts to stand up to him.
- Forget it, Kaylee.|- I can't forget it.
It just makes me sick that your|parents are never gonna know|that you wrote that story.
What are we supposed to do?.|My parents are gonna be here|in the morning!
We tried everything.|It would take an army|to get Wolf to admit the truth.
I think I know where|we could find our troops.
- What areyou doing here?.|- I've been pushed around|by Wolffor too long.
Tomorrow his whole career|is on the line.
So you guys up|for one last fight?.
Jas?.
It's payback time.
Mmm. You've got to look good|for the first day of shooting.
Do you copy that, Mr. Funny bones?.
"That's a big 1 0-4, Marty!'
[ Laughs ]|Mmm. Whoo!
I brought you all here|tonight for two reasons.
"A" you're all the best|in your given fields.
And "B" you all|despise this man... a lot.
Gang, let's roll up our sleeves|and get to work.
Let's begin.|Your assignments.
Red team, you guys stall him|until my parents get to the set.
Oh! That's it. Oh!|One more! Oh! That's it!
Blue team, I need your help|in the distract and delay tactics.
Gold team, you guys are responsible|for the mental warfare.
In order to get what we need,|we are talking...
complete physical and|psycho-emotional breakdown, people.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh.|- I want to see a broken man.
I'm talking broken like,
"Ooh, I just threw a baseball|through your window" broken.
Snap him like a twig.|Squeeze him like a bug.
I want you to turn him into mincemeat,|and I don't even know what mincemeat is!
I want him to scream|for his mommy: "Wah, wah!
Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!'|Do you hear me?.
Do you read me?.|'Cause I don't think--
I... think they read you.|Fair enough.
Guys, I just got one thing to say.
It's show time.|It's show time.
From the studio?.|Yes, sir.
Don't I know you?.|Yeah, you do.
I'm Frank Jackson. I was your driver|last year until you fired me.
Fabulous! Oh!
Boy, the acting career|must really be taking off.
Bravo, Brando. Let's get movin'.|I don't wanna be late.
[ Phone Rings ]|Yeah.|Monty, it's me.
Oh, hey, Marty. Did you get|some rest for the big day?.
Ah, are you kidding me?.|I spent half the night with a scrub|brush and a can of turpentine.
But bye-bye, Little Boy Blue,|I am back!
Hey, pedal to the metal,|Ricky Retardo!
Got a movie to shoot.
Uh, I'm sorry, sir. There seems to be|something... wrong with the car.
[ Phone Disconnects ]
[ Sighs ]
I'm gonna fix it.
Hot smoke.|Very hot smoke! Oh.
What the hell is happening?.|Stay right there.
- What?.|- No, Mr. Wolf. Don't come up here.
We have a situation.|The carbide lateral valve...
is connected to the defibrillator,|and it'sjust actin' up.
And the point is, this thing could blow|any second, so you might wanna back up.
Back up, back up.|Okay. What are you saying?.
The engine's fried.|I need a backup car.
Are you kidding me?.|My movie starts shooting in an hour!
Mr. Wolf, please.|I would very much appreciate it|if you didn'tyell at me. Okay?.
Uh-uh, uh-uh.|I wanna do right--
[ Stammering ]|Don't! Don't touch, dude!
I just-- I--|Do not touch!
[Car Brakes Squealing]
Hey! Everything okay here?.
Urkel.Jaleel.
Oh, my God, my man. This is incredible.|You gotta get me outta here, buddy.
- Hop in.|- No, no!
Mr. Wolf, please, no.|Please, no.|It's locked.
My pincer--|Can you unlock--|No, no, no.
[ Stammering, Protesting ]|No, Mr. Wolf!. Please.|Drive!
Sayonara, loser.
[ Sobbing ]
F-Man to J-Dog. F-Man to J-Dog.|The baton has been passed.
Roger that, F-Man.|Well done.
Who's the bad actor now,|Mr. Wolf?. Those were real tears!
K-Bird, the baton|has been passed.
Got it.
Nice car!|TV money, baby.
Didn't wear those glasses and suspenders|all those years for free, dog.
That's a relief. Do you, uh--|Do you know where you're goin'?.
Takin' a shortcut. Look,|just throw your seat back|and relax, Wolf Man.
- You're in Jaleel's hands now.|- [ Laughs ]
Okay.|Whoo!
[ Yelps ] You did a fishtail!|That was a close one.
Oh, yeah!
##[Rap]|Yeah, baby!
Whoo! Yeah!|Where in the hell|are you taking me?.
I told you. I know a shortcut.|Through the desert?
Slow down, you maniac!|I'm gettin' out!
- It's your call, baby.|- I'm gonna do it.
- Do what you gotta do.|- I am gettin' out, pal.
Go!
## [Rap Continues ]|Not bad.|Yo,Jaleel at the wheel.
The condor has flown the coop.|Roger that,J-Dub.|Wait. What does that mean?.
Means I'm leavin' Wolf|in the middle ofthe desert.|Urkel is out! Whoo!
[ Grunts ]
[ Screams ]
[ Dialing ]
[ Phone Rings ]|Hello?.
Ah, Monty, it's me.
Oh, hey, Marty.|Is everything okay?.
No, no, no.|Everything is fine.
Except, uh, oh, yeah.|I'm stuck in the middle of the desert!
Do you hear what I am saying to you?.|The what?.
The desert!|You gotta get me outta here.
How?.|I don't care how, Monty!Just do it!
[ Disconnects ]
Ready to go Wolfhunting?.
I borrowed the chopper|from the shoot.
You're in good hands, Wolf.|I flew 49 combat missions in Vietnam.
All right. Save me|the sob story, Methuselah.
I already sat through Platoon.
Just get me to the set!
[ Laughs ]
# Right here|Right now#
# Right here|Right now #
# Right here|Right now #
- # Right here, right now #|- This is Father Time.|We're headed your way.
Roger that, F.T.
- They're airborne.|- Copy that.
Let's punch a hole in the sky,|Grandpa. Go, go, go!
Let's get a tail wind behind this bird,|old-timer. [ Whooping]
## [Rap ]
Brando to base. Brando to base.|The sheep has located the|Shepherds and we're coming home.
Yes!
[ Beeping ]
Oh, boy.
What's that?.|What's happening?.
One of our blades is jammed.|We're gonna have to do a forced evac.
What-- What are you|talking about?.
Come on, we gotta jump.|This bird is going down!
[ Beeping ]
Aah!
Are you kidding me?.|I wish I was.
You're gonna have to hold on tight.|We've only got one chute.
I hope it supports us both.
Wait! This is insanity!|Vince!
Have you done this before?.
Oh, don't worry, Wolf.|I'm a professional.
Granddad's been doin' this|a long, long time.
[ Laughs ]|Vince!
[Beeping Continues ]
This is Chopper One to Control.|Papa Bear and the Wolf|have left the building.
# Right here|Right now##
Not like this!|Oh, sweet God! Not like this!
Aaaah!
Ah. Hello, sir.
- Where's Wolf?.|- Uh, late.
Bad.
[Phone Ringing]
- Hello?.|- I'm on the lot, Monty!|I'll be there in a minute!
- Marty!|- I'm not lying.
Just stall Duncan another|second. Okay?. I'm coming.
- Hey, Wolf.|- How's it hangin', Shepherd?.
##[Western Showdown Theme ]
[ Funnybones Squeaks ]
[ Gasps ]
Gimme back my monkey.
- Come and get him.|- [ Sighs ]
You two! Good-bye!
I'm comin', Funnybones!
[ Yells ]
[ People Shouting ]
## ["Deck The Halls"]
Look out!
Come on!
Right behind ya, Shepherd!
## [Mexican ]
You can't out run the Wolf, kid!
Yeah, we'll see about that.
Hang on, Funnybones,|Daddy's coming!
He's all yours, Lester.
- [ Computer Beeps ]|- Activate water.
Aaah!
Who's the geek boy now?.|You spaz!
This is it, Monty. Ifhe's not here|in 60 seconds, this movie's over.
Right up there is where|the big stunt is taking place.
This way.
"Help! Come and rescue me, Marty."
Feet, don't fail me now.
[ Moans ]
Let go of the monkey.
- Call my dad.|- Never.
- Yes.|- No!
Ah! Gotcha, kid.
It's over.|You lose, and I win.
I don't think so, Wolf.|Oh, you don't think so?.
Come on,Jason.|You're smarter than that.
You write a story,|I steal it, and now I'm|about to start shooting...
the greatest movie|of my career.
So you admit|you stole my story?.
We've been over this.|It's ancient history.
Yeah, I stole your story!|Whoop-di-doodle-doo!|You happy now?.
I stoleJason Shepherd's paper|and turned it into Big Fat Liar!
You know who's listening, pal?.|Hmm?. No one.
And they never will.|So for the last time, give it up!
Because I will never, ever, ever--|like never, ever, ever,
ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever--|infinity--
tell the truth.|[ Blowing Raspberry ]
Because the truth's overrated, right?.
That's right!|[Man ]|And cut!
Huh?.
I told you, Wolf. The only way|to shoot this scene is from|1 2 different camera angles...
with birds flyin' around.
Oh, and, by the by,
Confucius say,|"Kastang, you're busted."
Rock 'n' roll, baby.
It's just like you wanted, Wolf.
The press is all here.
You stole the idea for this|movie from a 1 3-year-old boy?.
He's, um--
He's 1 4.
This is the end ofthe line, Wolf.
It's over.
[ Growls ]
Wolf, I wanna say thanks.
You taught me|a valuable lesson.
The truth:|It's not overrated.
[ Laughing ]
I am gonna get you, Shepherd!
[Screams ]
[ Applauding ]
You did all this just|to prove you weren't lying?.
I wanted to earn|your trust back, Dad.
You've earned it, buddy.|You've earned it.
Hey!
[ Laughs ]|We got a movie to shoot. Huh?.
Come on.|Let's make some magic.
The human hit factory|is ready to roll!
[ Laughs ]
Yeah, let's go home.
Hey, where do you think|you're going?.
You cannot turn your backs|on me!
I'm Marty Wolf!.|All right, fine!
Fine! You're all fired!
[Man]|You suck, Marty.
You, uh, certainly know|how to make an entrance.
What can I say?. I got big feet.
[ Laughs ]
You were right, Penny.|The truth: It's not overrated.
[Audience Applauding]
Whoo!
Oh, oh!
Congratulations.|It was incredible.
[ Rings ]
[ Sighs ]|It's show time.
Hey, kids.|I'm Wolfie the Clown.
Whoo! And, uh, "I'm Mr. Funnybones!|Happy birthday, Darren."
- Oh, my God!|- Oh, no.
Yo, Little Mash.|Show him your nutcracker.
[ Yells ]
- [ Kids Cheering ]|- [ Screaming ]
[ Groans ]
# Can you move it like this #
# I can shake it right back#
# Can you move it like this #
# I can shake it right back #
# Can you move it like this #
# I can shake it right back #
# Come on, ladies|rock the party #
# Shake your body, everybody #
# Come on, everybody #
# Let's move it all night #
# Uh, uh-huh #
# Gonna take you back|to the old school #
# Can you feel the vibe #
# Let's dance to the rhythm|and let me see you #
# Why you waste time #
# Uh, uh-huh #
#Jump back and do the twist #
# And the electric start|Hey #
# Can you move it like this #
# I can shake it right back #
# Can you move it like this #
# I can shake it right back #
# Can you move it like this #
# I can shake it right back #
# Come on, fellows|start the party #
# Shake your body, everybody #
# Let's get funky|Do the same sound#
# Sing, 'cause we gonna get|on the floor and do it like this #
# Can anyone do|the chocolate bar #
# Like back in the days #
# Uh, uh-huh #
# We thought|we'd bring it to ya #
# For hummin'|Keep ya groovin', yeah #
# Uh, uh-huh #
# Well, I can see everybody|on the floor #
# Doin' the runnin'man #
# Uh, uh-huh #
# Do the mashed potato #
# Or walk the Philly dog ifyou can #
# Hey #
# Can you move it like this #
# I can shake it right back #
# Can you move it like this #
# I can shake it right back #
# Can you move it like this #
# I can shake it right back #
# Come on, y'all|let's rock the party #
# Shake your body, everybody #
# Remember back in the days when we|used to just do the boogaloo #
# Everybody gets to rock|to the beat #
# SonnyJoe, pickin ' up dough #
# And everybody runs|to get down with the deejay #
# When he plays smooth music #
# Let's dip it, tip it|We went rockin'|We keep tippin'#
# Come on, baby|Let's rock this rock #
# We gonna get up on the dance floor|and do the Pee-wee Herman #
# So shake it up|and do the bus stop #
# And do the robot #
# And baby, do the rocket|Move it, man #
# Can you move it like this #
# L.A., Atlanta #
# Can you move it like this #
# New York, what's up #
# Can you move it like this #
# Seattle, Dallas and Houston #
# Can you move it like this #
# Baltimore and D. C. now #
# Can you move it like this #
# Tampa, do the dip now #
# Can you move it like this #
# Memphis, I knowyou do|the funky chicken #
# Can you move it like this #|# I can shake it like that #
# You know, you know, you know #|# Come on, y'all|let's rock the party #
# Shake your body, everybody #
#Japan|Japanese, you know #
# France|That's where we ought to go #
# London #
# I know you're doin'|the hitchhike #
# Can you move it like this #
# I can shake it right back #
# Can you move it like this #
# I can shake it right back #
# Can you move it like this ##
# Canada, Australia ##
## [ Singing In Spanish ]