Big Gold Brick (2022) Movie Script
I never believed in fate
or destiny, kismet,
whatever you want to call it.
Never believed in Santa,
magic, even as a kid.
The supernatural.
God, heaven, hell.
No.
I never believed
in anything really.
And then I met Floyd.
Let's talk about that
for a moment, Sam, if we could.
I believe that's chapter...
Yes, chapter three
from the book.
I don't remember much
of the night I met Floyd.
I remember
that I was intoxicated
and had been since
around 1:30 that afternoon.
Fuck.
I remember that
I couldn't pay my rent again
and that I hadn't paid it
for five months.
It's all over everywhere!
I remember that it had been
a year since Kathleen dumped me.
Almost two since my mother died.
And everything felt incrementally
shittier with each passing day.
Fuck!
And I remember that I took
a brief mental inventory,
considered my overwhelming
lack of prospects,
and in my state
of absolute crapulance...
came to the superb
conclusion that...
that it's time to go.
Shit.
Oh, fuck!
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Okay, okay.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, okay. Hey. Look at me.
Hey, hey. Hey, son, son.
There's been an accident.
But you look fine.
Everything's fine.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, shit.
Stay with me.
Stay with me. Shit.
Stay with me.
God, God!
God!
It's a goddamn
miracle that the kid's alive.
I would have to say "miraculous"
is the only adequate
description.
So aside from the
bum wrist and the, uh,
- broken ribs.
- Well, there was the associated puncture
of the right lung, of course.
The perforation of the bladder.
- Uh, the bladder is functioning quite well now.
- Hmm.
So he won't need, uh,
diapers or anything
- permanently?
- No, he will not.
Can you smoke in here?
I'm afraid you can't.
He exited the coma at
approximately 9:15 last night.
His last recollection is being in
the city on the day of the accident.
He's lucid, communicative if not somewhat
despondent, which is to be expected.
He will recover.
But I should tell you
that there may be some
hurdles in the near term.
What kind of hurdles?
Oh, he may experience
mood swings,
agitation, occasional confusion,
but, uh...
that should
dissipate with time.
The brain.
The brain is an incredible
instrument, Floyd,
capable of the most
amazing things.
But for all of its tremendous
power and magnificence,
it is incredibly fragile
and remarkably sensitive.
And miracles aside, with all the
trauma that Samuel has suffered,
it may be some time before
his faculties come back to him.
Truth be told, he may never be
that Samuel again.
How are you doing?
Who are you?
The guy?
My name's Floyd.
Hey.
I guess I should put these
in some water.
You know, a lot of people out
there might frown upon a man
giving another man
some flowers, but...
you don't have to worry about it.
I'm not sweet on men, nothing like that.
I'm a family man.
And I can assure you that I
am definitely a fan of the dames.
So, uh, Sammy,
please accept these flowers.
- Please don't call me that.
- Call you what?
Sammy. Don't call me Sammy.
Sammy? Sammy is one of the greatest
nicknames in the history of mankind.
- Hands down.
- Nobody calls me that.
I prefer Samuel or...
Sam.
Well, let's go with Sam.
Thank you.
- You really don't like Sammy?
- No, I really don't like it.
Okay.
It's no problem.
I'll call you Sam.
You know, I've been, uh, here quite
a bit since the accident and, uh...
Uh...
I'm sorry I hit you.
It just kind of happened.
I still don't know what...
How... What...
I'm just... I'm just... I'm just
sorry that I... that I hit you.
It's fine. I'm fine.
I'm here, uh...
Besides, I don't remember any of
it, and it could have been worse.
Yeah. Could have been worse.
They said that your father
has not come to this...
I... I don't want
to talk about it.
Okay, I understand.
Dr. Ike told me
that you were a writer.
So I've been thinking, uh...
Would you consider
writing my biography?
Uh, I don't...
I'm not really, uh...
I mean, thank you for thinking of
me, but I write short stories mostly.
The occasionally essay,
a few poems. Biography?
So you don't think
you can do it?
It's not that I can't do it.
Of course I can do it.
I'm capable. It's just...
It's not my thing, Floyd.
No, I understand, you're
an artist. I respect that.
I can... I can see it
and I can feel it.
But I challenge you.
I challenge you to at least try
for once to do something different.
Because when opportunity knocks on
your door, you might want to answer it,
even if she's
wearing a goofy hat.
- Huh?
- Just hear me out. I spoke to Dr. Ike,
and he explained to me
the situation
you're in with your landlord
in the city.
- Why is he telling you all this?
- No, no, listen,
there's nothing
to be embarrassed about.
Everybody skips out
on their rent every so often.
It's nothing. What I'm proposing is
that you come and stay with us out here,
me and my family, until you get
yourself back on your feet.
I can give you a cash stipend or a cash advance
if you want to get professional about it.
And... and all you have to do is
concentrate on... on healing up, man.
Just heal up
and write at your own pace.
No deadlines. Just as it comes.
How much of a cash stipend
are we talking?
- How much do you want?
- Uh... um...
Five hundred.
- Five hundred it is.
- Per week.
Dollars?
What do you think I meant?
I know what you meant.
This might sound strange, but...
I have this funny
feeling that...
He paused for a moment,
pondering it, reconciling.
Before finally admitting
this was meant to be.
I repeated it to myself
in my head several times.
"This was meant to be, this was
meant to be, this was meant to be."
And wondered for just a moment
if there was any possibility
he could be right.
This is it.
Beautiful home, Floyd.
She really is, isn't she?
Come on, let's go meet the kid.
Hey, you all right, pal?
Yeah.
Come on, I'll get your stuff.
Aloha. We're here.
I got that.
Here, take a load off.
Where's the goddamn
welcoming committee, Jackie?
Coming.
Jacqueline, Floyd's second wife.
And over a quarter century
his junior.
She was a successful attorney,
and on the partnership track
at Hutchinson,
Zimmer, Wallerstein,
Wallerstein, Cohen and Clemens.
She loved the city,
hated the long commute.
Would often work very late.
She claimed to let the traffic
simmer down.
- Here's my boy, Eddie.
- Edward.
He reminded me of myself.
He was a freshman at St.
Gerard Academy, the youngest in his class.
A dangerous combination of incredible
precociousness and hardwired pessimism.
His penchant for mischief hadn't yet
become a serious cause for concern
between Floyd and Jacqueline.
And though he didn't have
many friends.
He seemed perfectly content
with the fact,
as he said, "People are scared
of me and I like it."
Lily, can you do us a damn kindness
and come downstairs, please?
Lily was Floyd's daughter
from his first marriage.
After graduating from
the music school at Fair Gate,
she experienced a great deal of
difficulty pursuing a legitimate career
as a violinist.
Her growing sorrow helped turn occasional
drinking into frequent cocaine use.
And this culminated in the
inevitable mini breakdown...
and requisite move back home
to reorganize.
Welcome to the family.
Thank you so, so much.
Very good.
Uh, excuse me, but why
is my silverware so small?
- How do you mean?
- Look, my fork, it's half...
Uh.
It...
I'm... I'm sorry, I didn't, I didn't mean
smaller, I jus... I just meant I, uh...
I meant.
I me... Water.
- Looks delicious, Gloria.
- Gracias.
- You're good?
- Yeah.
Okay, everybody, Mangia.
So, Samuel, Floyd tells me that the two
of you are working together on a book.
How exciting.
I have no idea
what it's about because he won't
give me any details, but...
I am sure it's going to be
just... sensational.
- It's a secret.
- Mm.
- Is it?
- Mm-hmm. Classified. For now.
May I use the powder room?
- Yes, uh, it's right down the hallway.
- Thank you.
- It's to the... to the left.
- Okay, left.
Dad.
- Mm-hmm?
- Is he okay?
Mm-hmm.
He's fine. Just a little
shaken up, you know,
from the, uh, accident.
Otherwise, he's fine.
Pass the cheese.
Rabbit.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- What?
- What fuck is that?
- The fuck's what?
Is that a dead rabbit?
Yeah, pretty much.
Jesus fucking Christ. Well, will you...
will you please go back outside
and bury that little fellow?
- Hey, you been smoking again?
- Yep.
You... you gotta quit smoking, man.
That shit's going to kill you.
You're gonna end up like pops.
You want to end up like pops?
Yep.
Just a second.
- Decent?
- Yeah.
Brought you a little something,
a little housewarming, so to speak.
- Floyd, this is completely unnecessary.
- Ah, don't worry about it.
Open it up.
There you go.
Yeah, that's a fine robe.
I don't know what to say.
Nothing to say.
You already thanked me.
Well, thank you again. Really.
All right. I'll leave you to it.
It's good to have you here, pal.
I calculated quickly and figured
that it was very likely a suicide note.
My suicide note.
Of course, I had to assume
that the word "dome"
was meant to be "done."
It was a minor spelling error,
and to be expected
under the circumstances.
I had to forgive myself.
Um, I was never really a
bathrobe guy before that.
I've been a bathrobe
guy for ages.
Used to steal them from hotels and...
uh, but now I can afford them.
Barely.
- How about you, Linda?
- I'm a woman, Dick.
I would never have guessed that.
Are we even getting paid
for this?
Mm-mm.
Okay, went off the rails
there for a bit. We're...
Oh, yes.
Floyd's life story.
Right. Well, um...
A few days had passed
before we got to work and
I didn't really know
where to begin.
But then I remembered reading Dmitry
Hardow's book on Francois Lip Shits,
so I figured
I'd do the same thing.
Just, uh, you know,
start interviewing him,
ask him questions,
keep it relaxed and...
figure the rest
out from there.
I should read the book.
Why the French flag?
Part French on my father's side
and part Indian too.
Potawatomi.
All the way back to the French-Indian
war on that side of the family.
Napoleon?
History has misjudged that man and
I can think of no greater tragedy.
Hmm.
The man's legacy... Hey.
You should be recording this.
Mmm, I haven't touched
this thing in years.
- It's all yours.
- Micro Cassette.
- Always wanted one of these.
- Knock yourself out.
- Okay, let me have that.
- Oh...
- I am sorry.
- Thank you very much.
I didn't mean to, uh...
Yeah, sorry.
I'll change that out.
Fresh take. There you go.
Floyd, you've got a great voice.
I used to be able to carry
a tune, but not anymore.
Do you mind if I s... start?
I'm an open book.
Right, uh, before I do,
regarding the book.
I have to ask.
Why are you keeping it a secret?
Hmm.
It's a good question.
We all live multicolored lives.
Each and every one of us
and, uh...
we all have a range
of experiences.
- And...
- You've been unfaithful.
Let's not shit in the soup
just yet, my friend, okay?
I mean, we're gonna pull some teeth but let's
try to ease into it a little bit, right?
- Okay.
- For the record, I will say that my wife and I,
we have a great relationship,
really terrific, uh...
But I will admit that, uh,
Jacqueline...
Well, we'll get to that.
But, uh, what I will say is that
I've had some experiences in my life.
Some... some jobs, some things
that I've done that she's...
not quite aware of per se.
Hmm.
Like what?
Military. Government. Et cetera.
- I'm intrigued.
- Well, there's a lot more where that came from,
and we're gonna get there,
and then you'll understand.
But back to Jacqueline, she...
She also might think that, you know,
me writing my biography is, uh...
- It's a bit, uh...
- Braggadocious?
No, I wouldn't say that.
That's, uh, that's not
the right word for it.
Hmm. Premature?
- No, not that one either.
- Pointless.
Pointless?
Well, I certainly...
I certainly don't feel
that my life has been pointless.
- I'm sorry, I didn't...
- No, listen, I've done a lot of...
I've done many great things with my
life, things that I'm very proud of,
and everybody is going to read
about it when the time is right.
Uh, well, uh... Secret's safe.
Um, do you have
a pencil sharpener?
That's a pencil sharpener?
Thank you, sir.
Hey.
Are you all right?
I'm over here.
Over here.
Is that you talking?
Of course,
who do you think it was?
God. God.
What the fuck?
What the fuck is happening?
No, no. Please don't be scared.
I'm just trying to...
You're up early.
Is everything okay? I heard a lot
of yelling and dirty language.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I'm sorry,
appreciate the concern.
I was, uh, just...
I was, uh... hoo...
I was, uh, doing push ups.
With one arm?
Uh, yeah, just a few.
- I like to stay in shape myself so...
- I can tell.
I mean, yes, obviously.
I mean, I mean, of course,
it's... it's good to...
I should go to work.
Me too. Writing.
- The book.
- Yeah.
The book.
Yeah.
Have a good day, Samuel.
Hey.
- Let's see her. Let's go.
- All right.
Oh, this is, uh, this is
the guy I hit, my biographer.
- Sam. Nick.
- Boy, you did a number on Floyd's caddie.
I didn't think
she was gonna make it.
But we got her all done up like
new for you, inside and out.
I can't wait to see her
because if I got to drive that
goddamn rice grinder
my daughter calls a car
- even one more day...
- There she is.
Well, that's... that's, uh...
That's not the same color,
is it?
Well, about the color, Floyd,
you see, never really matched
the factory tint
on a full repaint.
- So in a certain light, you might find it a little off.
- A little off?
Let me get inside
and start her up for you.
Dammit.
Who hasn't considered a pre-circuit
at some point in your life.
I suppose what kept me away
was thinking about
those guys in those layers of heavy
cloaks in the middle of the summer time.
So that's the reason you didn't
go to the seminary. The clothes?
Well, that and the,
uh, celibacy issue.
That stuff's stuff
what those guys do.
But don't do.
Do you mind if I ask you what you did
before you were writing full time?
Just working for my father
reluctantly.
Doing what?
Franchise operations consultant
was my formal title.
Uncle Pete's Frozen Custard.
He's the CEO. He's Uncle Pete.
He was grooming me to take over the whole
company eventually, but I couldn't stand it,
traveling all over the country
in a shitty suit and tie,
dropping in on franchises
and shitty strip malls,
making sure they're displaying all
their shitty promotional material.
It just... I don't know, the whole
thing depressed the shit out of me.
It made me physically ill.
Seriously.
Anyway, he fired me.
Then a bunch of other bad stuff happened,
with my girlfriend dumping me
and even more bad stuff, so...
I hate him
and we'll never speak again.
I hated him before he fired me actually,
hated him long before I even worked for him
which is why
I was reluctant to...
Why did you stop?
I... I... I was eating
Uncle Pete's frozen custard
the night of the accident
just before I hit you.
I was eating Uncle Pete's frozen custard,
and it's like my favorite ice cream.
It's everybody's
favorite ice cream.
Why do you think they have
almost 2000 locations?
It's actually not ice cream.
It's custard. There's a difference.
Custard contains pasteurized egg yolks,
which gives it its creamy finish,
- and the machine used...
- Does it not seem strange to you?
No, I mean... not really, no.
I...
Why do you hate him?
That stuff is delicious, man.
I want to show you something.
Who is he?
This is my father.
Yes, indeed.
This old cocksucker
is my dear old dad.
Can he hear us?
Can't hear a goddamn thing.
Can you, pops?
This isn't right.
Exactly. Exactly.
Listen, I don't know
the pertinence on the decline
of your relationship with your
father, and I'm not asking.
I just want to let you know that you
can talk to me about anything any time,
and there will never be
any judgment. Understood?
As far as
this old bag of bones...
I hate him too.
I just wish
he could hear me say that.
Sometimes family
isn't family at all.
Hey, why don't you, uh,
wait in the car?
- I'll be right down, okay?
- Sure.
- Hey, brother.
- What's up, Floyd?
- Thanks for the help.
- Yeah, my pleasure.
- Here's 20.
- Oh, you, uh, said 50.
- Did I?
- Yeah.
Okay.
Of course I thought
it was his real father.
I had no reason to believe
otherwise. And...
he got so emotional.
I felt for him.
And I knew he felt for me.
He was coming from a good place.
And he hadn't told you
yet what he did for a living?
He said he was semi-retired,
that he was working
for Grand Bath Martlin.
The government contractor.
Hey, what for the hell
are you doing?
- Do it!
- No, don't do it.
Do it!
Are you fucking kidding me?
You got to go to a hospital
to take that thing off.
I am not going
to that hospital again.
- Ever.
- Oh, it stinks.
- Why aren't you at school?
- Sick.
I got to go to work.
Put an ace bandage on that thing
or something.
- Ridiculous.
- Oh, it's so...
weak.
And pale.
Don't you agree?
Uh, yeah. Uh, completely.
Absolutely.
It's not like I want to be a
librarian, but I'm just there.
Until I sort things out.
Plus... I love being
surrounded by books.
- Who wouldn't?
- Alright.
You are all set back.
There you go.
Fantastic.
Thank you, Lily.
Hey, uh,
you could always be a nurse.
Fantastic.
Thank you, Lily.
Uh, you can always be a nurse.
Are you ok... Are you okay?
What's wrong?
Did I...
Did I just thank you twice in
a row like exactly the same way?
No. No, just once.
Very nicely.
I'm sorry. It's just...
Still getting my wits about me.
Yeah, it's okay.
You're doing great.
Do you need anything
before I go?
Well, I am heading
to the library.
I'll see you later.
What made you join the military?
Oh, I was recruited.
The marines, they were
starting a new clandestine unit.
Very small. Very secret.
And they needed, uh, ten men total,
ten men in the whole country.
So they, uh, they went
searching coast to coast.
Wrangled up
about 100 candidates,
and sent us up, uh,
it was up north to Alaska.
Nine months of torture.
Pure torture.
It makes the SEALs look like
nap time at a nursery school.
I really don't know how
I survived it, in fact, uh,
there was a few
recruits that I know...
Sorry.
Uh, there was, uh,
a few young men who died
the first week there on the
Younger York Island.
Anyhow, the last ten
bastards standing
all happened to be Ivy Leaguers
with backgrounds of science.
And it was mostly plastics.
Plastics?
And is that... is that the work
you do now? Uh, plastics?
Yes. So... some plastics.
Some of the work is also with,
uh, lenses. Lenses and lasers.
Wow.
Yeah. It's a...
Yeah, it's amazing stuff.
Hey, maestro. Here you go.
Find your Beethoven right here.
Personally, not a fan, but I got
you some other stuff too.
That musty, old garage down
there, full of treasures.
By the way,
do you play table tennis?
Ping pong?
No, not ping pong, table tennis.
Ping pong is like
the "N" word in our sport.
Table tennis.
Now that you've shed
that plaster cast,
perhaps me and you can, uh,
partake in a little game.
- When you're ready.
- Yeah, sure.
Maybe sometime.
Okay.
- "Natural Sounds of Earth"?
- Oh, yeah,
I picked that out for you because I
know you need to relax a little bit.
This is especially good
when you're having a rough day.
- You just sit back and close your eyes.
- You breathe through it.
Personally,
it's helped me a lot.
- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
I'll check it out.
So, how is this coming?
Oh, I, um, uh, I... I haven't really
committed much to the page yet.
I'm s... still
in my discovery face.
No, I can see that.
There's no pressure.
It'll come.
And I've got the general
direction mapped out.
There's um, uh,
so, I mean, yeah, I'm...
I'm... I'm... I'm feeling re...
I'm feeling pretty good
about it, actually.
Okay, well,
that reminds me, I got here $350,
it's all I got on me right now.
- Put the rest on my tab.
- Tab?
- Floyd, it's $300.
- That's $350 there.
- It's $300.
- Okay, my bad. $300.
Put the rest on my tab.
I'll get it to you, like, uh,
Friday, Saturday, but soon,
I'll get it to you soon.
It's fine, whenever.
I know you're good for it.
- Hey, is this the kid?
- This is him.
Did you know, you just can't waltz
into the arena and start bullfighting.
Believe me, I've tried twice.
It's a blood sport we are talking about.
- Mr. Floyd.
- Hey, Sonny, what it be?
What are we doing here?
I'm taking you to lunch.
Oh.
Mm.
Mm.
Look at this. "Beans' big
buckets do it again."
This hulking mass of pure fury
is Lentil Beans Washington.
One of the best basketball
players in the country.
He plays for Eddie's school
at St. Jerry's.
High school basketball
is a very big deal around here.
Very big deal.
You a basketball fan?
Yeah, sure.
- Pros.
- Pros.
There's no purity
in professional basketball.
It's barely any in college.
High school basketball
is where the game
is really played.
At its essence.
Let's check it out.
Boy's made out of metal,
he's a goddamn machine.
- How old is that fucking guy?
- Old enough.
Sit down.
Atta boy, Beans. Atta boy!
What the fuck do you think
you're doing in here?
This is a close practice,
you jagoff.
It's also
a Catholic school, Greg,
one that I pay an exorbitant
amount of tuition for
I might add, Jagoff.
Get the fuck out of here, Floyd.
You fucking jackass.
Door's that way.
Sit down.
- Fucker!
- Hey!
We're leaving.
Hey, Beans...
Hey, Greg,
say hi to your wife from me.
Woo!
Come on. Let's go.
Keep playing, keep playing.
His wife,
she goosed me
at a fundraiser last October,
and he saw the whole thing.
I hit him low!
Okay. Put your arms up.
Put your arms up, breathe,
breathe, breathe. Ah...
Hey, hey. You alright, pal?
Tell me you're OK.
Must have gotten light headed from...
from running.
Jokes.
Yeah. Okay, come on.
Give me a hand. Let me,
let me get you up.
Let me get you to the car.
It's fine. I'm fine.
- I promise.
- You sure?
- Yes. Are you kidding me?
- Totally.
Okay, if you're sure.
Hey, listen, uh, I think Eddie has
a detention again today and, uh...
He might be getting out soon.
So we're gonna wait around
- and give him a ride home, okay?
- Of course.
Is there any orange juice?
Yeah, I'll see what I can find.
I'm gonna get some fresh air.
I'm feeling a little damp myself.
Edward did have
detention again that day
as he would the next day,
and the next,
and many more after that.
But it wasn't Edward
that Floyd was waiting for.
It was Beans.
Hello, stranger.
Santa?
Is... is that you?
No, little boy. It's not Santa.
But I have something for you.
Have you been a good,
little boy?
Are you...
really in here right now?
I don't know.
Why don't you
touch me and find out?
Is that it?
- Do you want me to touch you?
- Uh-huh.
- On your penis?
- Yeah.
No. Oh my God.
What are you doing? What am
I doing? No, this can't...
Relax. It's okay.
Hey, no, wait. You...
you are married to... to Floyd.
And what... Floyd... No.
He's like...
He's... he's, like, becoming
like... like a father to me now.
Kind of.
He ran you over with his car.
Yeah, but he didn't, like,
he didn't, like, run me over.
- I flew over. It wasn't...
- He won't care.
And he won't know.
We can be quiet and quick.
I don't mind.
Hey... he... I'm sorry.
I... I... Please, I can't.
It's Lily, isn't it?
What? No. Lily?
- You kidding me? Ew.
- You want to fuck her I know.
Look, I love her.
Like my own daughter. I do.
But that girl is a little
fucking coke whore with deep,
dark, deep emotional problems.
I'm just putting that out there.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
You're very sex... Pretty.
I... I just...
Uh.
I... I like your robe.
Floyd got it for me.
For Christmas.
I'm sor...
All right.
Sleep tight.
See you soon.
What you looking at?
What are you doing here?
I was gonna ask you
the same thing.
You are...
beautiful.
The cooler!
Is that...
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm sorry.
It's me.
Floyd!
Fuck...
Floyd!
- Floyd!
- Yeah. Yeah?
No, I'm no shark. But I got
a funny feeling about this, Gus.
Yeah, but...
Uh, Gus, le...
No, no, everything's okay.
Uh, let me holler back at you.
Yeah. I'll call you back.
All right, pal.
You all right?
- Huh? Okay.
- I had a horrible nightmare.
- What? Tell me what happened.
- I had a horrible nightmare.
I told him about the dream...
and how this one was very different.
Felt different.
Like it was real.
I told him about Lily and...
the demon.
I told him about
falling and, um...
watching myself die...
and about the painting.
I didn't know if...
if the place was haunted...
or if it was me.
He said he had some background
in parapsychology.
"More than just armchair,"
is how he put it.
Wanted to give me some tests.
What kind of tests?
Uh, there were shapes, uh,
geometric shapes.
Uh, just drawings of animals.
Is it a llama?
No, but close.
It's not a llama,
it's an alpaca.
Very similar, but not the same.
- It's a penny.
- It's not just any penny.
This little fellow,
he was minted in 1909.
It's worth a couple thousands bucks.
In perfect condition.
And it was in perfect condition until
my Lily painted this heart on it.
She was a little girl.
She thought that would make me happy.
Now, it's technically worthless.
But it's priceless to me.
I'm gonna ask you
to do something.
When I give you the go ahead.
I want you to close your eyes.
I want you
to take a deep breath.
And I want you to count down
from six to zero.
And when you open your eyes,
you're gonna focus on this penny.
- Okay?
- Okay.
Okay.
And...
Six.
Five.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
Zero.
Yes! Yes!
I haven't finished reading
but you have to tell me.
Where did it go?
Uh, well, I guess you'll
just have to finish reading.
Um, what do you think so far?
I haven't read it.
- But you just said...
- My assistance's reading it.
She loves it. I love it.
- We want it.
- You...
Really?
Oh my.
Wow.
I'm gonna be published.
- But wait, if she hasn't...
- Doesn't matter, we want it.
We want you.
You're a bestseller.
Watch, we're already talking
movie rights.
- What is that?
- It's French. The whole package.
Now tell me what happened.
- Shit.
- What's that?
A little louder.
I feel like shit.
Oh, don't worry. Eddie's coming up
with a Falkenhagen and two quasidream.
You'll feel better.
I'm sorry, Floyd.
- What are you sorry about?
- About your penny.
- My penny?
- It's priceless.
- Now it's gone.
- Priceless?
That was just a figure
of speech. It's just a penny.
What was priceless is
what just happened out there.
That was like a one in a million thing. Less
than that, it was like one in 100 million.
That was very special stuff.
That was magic.
Do you realize that
we can make a killing with that?
There's some serious money.
Plenty of pennies.
You have a precious talent.
You have a gift, and you can
call it what you want,
- but if we...
- A curse.
I call it a fucking curse.
- What is this?
- Beer.
Thank you.
Okay. You got two?
All right, thanks.
What are you doing?
Just what you told me to.
Brought the beer and the sinus pills.
Feel better.
I usually buy American, but the
Falkenhagen's got special ingredients.
It's gonna settle your stomach.
And the quasidream,
it's going to clear your head.
Those two little fuckers are
gonna cut right through the fog.
Go ahead. Take them.
There you go.
Good. Sam, listen to me
very carefully.
Floyd, I am not going
to do it again ever.
So don't ask, and please...
- That's okay.
- Please don't tell anyone.
I'm not gonna tell anybody.
Why would I tell anybody?
I don't know.
But everything is different now
after the accident.
Nothing's normal.
- Listen, you want to see Dr. Ike?
- I'm not going to a hospital.
Okay.
You're not going to a hospital.
I just want you to feel better.
- I'm crazy.
- Everything's crazy.
And that's normal.
You're gonna
get through this, pal.
Okay?
- You okay?
- No, I'm not okay.
I'm not okay at all.
From under the cover of my bed
sheet, I explained to Floyd
that a most severe depression
had consumed me,
and that it would be entirely
impossible for me to face anybody.
For how long? I didn't yet know.
I asked for some time away
from our work on the book.
He immediately obliged
and then left me alone.
Though he wouldn't tell me then, for fear of
further degrading my delicate mental condition.
He found the penny
at the end of the driveway.
Special stuff indeed.
I stayed in that room for days.
I have no idea how many.
And I didn't have
an appetite for anything.
An impossible darkness
had descended upon me.
My conversations with Santa became
more frequent, almost constant,
and gradually took on a tone that
could only be described as adversarial.
You want me gone, don't you?
Say it! Say it! Just say it!
You stinking little shitty,
little fuzzy, fucking fussy!
Say it, "I'll do it. You know
I will." Just say it!
Getting really
tired of this, Sam.
I've been trying to help you.
One of us had to go.
Stop it. Stop it.
Stop it! I don't...
Stop it!
Are you...
- Get the fuck out of here!
- Oh.
Eventually, I let Floyd in.
He suggested that we talk,
and after my initial refusal,
we did. For hours.
He had no idea where Santa came from or
why he was in there in the first place.
Especially
outside of the season.
Nonetheless, we continued,
and I revealed things to him
on that day
that I've never revealed
to anyone.
It helped me a great deal.
I wasn't with Floyd on
the night of the big game.
Though I had begun to feel
a bit more like myself,
I wasn't out of the woods.
Not yet.
I walked alone into town
to the King's Imperial Theater
on Main Street.
They were screening a restored
print of Victory, Oh, Victory
by the Austro-Bavarian
director Jan Vogelweide.
Turn it up.
Turn it up. Turn it up.
- Turn it up.
- Hey, I meant to ask you, how's the, uh,
- bibliography coming along?
- Not now, Roy. Not now.
Well, folks, St.
Jerry's face crosstown rival
Northeast High tonight.
And, uh, jeesh,
where do we begin?
National phenom Beans Washington
turned in an absolutely abysmal
five points on 57 attempts.
Yeah, you heard that right.
It was his lowest point
total since the second grade,
a striking aberration in the season
where he averaged over 50 points a game.
When questioned afterward,
he stated
with complete certainty,
"I'm definitely
catching that pink eye."
Despite little to no outward
appearance of discoloration.
Greg Osterhoudt was promptly relieved of
his coaching duties the following morning.
It was their worst loss
in seven seasons.
Traitor!
Shut the fuck up, Jimmy!
Shut the fuck up!
Yes, yes!
Count it.
That should take care of my tab.
- There's an extra 100.
- Performance bonus.
I'm gonna take you to dinner in the city.
I got this great, little Italian joint.
I want you to meet somebody.
- How are you, my love?
- Good.
Good.
Samuel, this is Kimmi Hamasaki,
my acupuncturist.
Best in the city.
This is Samuel, my biographer.
The young man I hit with my car.
Uh... uh, wow, um.
It's a...
It's so nice to meet you.
Floyd told me so much about you.
She is also an expert in shiatsu
- and other forms of...
- Eastern massage.
That's right, Eastern massage.
That's what we like to call it.
Oh.
Will you gentlemen excuse me?
- I'm going to.
- Mm-hmm.
Hurry back.
Mm.
- She's something.
- Yeah, definitely something.
Floyd, what exactly is she?
- You didn't get her for me?
- I'm in love with her, pal.
Got it really bad.
I'm gonna say something to you
off the record.
Me and Jacqueline, it's not
really working right now.
The waters are choppy,
you understand?
Listen, relationships
are strange.
It's like an enigma.
Women are an enigma.
No, women are more
like a riddle.
The whole goddamn
thing is a... is a conundrum.
That's what it is.
A man, he has to eat, right?
And when there's no food at home,
he's got to go out for dinner.
Personally I don't like
their cars very much.
But the Japanese people...
they have this relentless pursuit
for absolute perfection in everything.
I mean, and the women...
I'm telling you, man,
it's like...
What a culture.
Yeah.
How's the mac and cheese?
So I said, "Honey, you can't make peanut
butter cookies without a little peanut butter."
Oh, here you go.
Who the fuck
is this little fruit?
This is Bobby.
- This is the assistant tennis pro?
- Try paralegal, dude.
- Dude?
- Yeah, dude.
- Look who has a sense of humor.
- What the fuck, man?
I'll fucking sue your ass. I
work at a law firm, fuck face.
Bobby, I would like you
to meet my husband, Floyd.
Oh, and his female friend
from the "Rub and tug."
- What's your name, sweetie?
- I am Kimmi.
I'm sorry.
And this is Samuel.
My husband's victim
in a vehicular assault
which resulted
in a traumatic brain injury.
What's up?
Well, it was nice
seeing all of you.
Night, night.
Hey, Bobby boy.
Forgot your purse.
Here you go.
Fuck!
- Come on, baby.
- My papers...
What papers? Leave them!
I'd like to apologize.
I yelled at you
when I was going crazy.
You were just concerned.
You didn't deserve it.
I'm sure I frightened you.
I know you're mad at me.
You're really very sweet.
I... I can't stop thinking
about it.
I feel terrible, so...
Uh, will you... will you please
forgive me?
It's... it's fake.
It's silk.
It's real. It's just silk.
Smells like a real rose.
Yeah, they must spray them
or I don't know.
I would... I...
I wouldn't get too close.
Might give you a rash or something.
Thank you for my smelly,
little rose.
And thank you for apologizing.
So...
you forgive me?
Cool.
Floyd found it to be a
terribly haunting coincidence
that on the night
of our accident
he was enjoying a delicious
uncle Pete's frozen custard,
and my father happened to be the
founder CEO and corporate namesake.
This vexed him greatly and he mentioned
it to me several times during my stay,
always befuddled, insisting that
there must be a connection.
I didn't think so at the time...
as the fates would have it,
whomsoever they might be,
it just so happened
that Beans was also enjoying
a delicious
uncle Pete's frozen custard
on what could be considered
an equally momentous evening.
Bro, don't... come on, don't do that.
Excuse me a moment, sir.
Lentil Washington, I presume?
We've been following your career
for quite some time, Mr. Washington.
You an agent or somethin' like
that?
Something like that.
The man I work for is incredibly
wealthy, very powerful,
and he's taken
a great interest in you.
He request your audience this
evening if you'd be so inclined.
- Of course.
- Yeah, why not?
I'm sorry. We're gonna have to ask your
friend to stay behind this evening.
- Come on, man. I'm his body guard.
- Chill, chill, man, it's...
- Look, I'll holler at you.
- All right, man.
Hello?
Yeah, I'll accept the call.
Hey, hey, hold... slow down.
I can't understand a word
you're saying, you know,
you're crying, the tears
and all that.
Who fucked you up?
What... What do you mean you don't know
what happened? Wha... What happened?
You were at Uncle Pete's
custard?
Tha... That's a delicious
custard.
You know, my biographer, he's,
uh, his father was the one...
Okay. Yeah. Sorry, go ahead.
Tell me what happened.
They took you... Where did they
take you for a ride?
They put a sack on your head?
What kind of shot
did they give you?
What do you mean
you don't remember?
You started talking.
Okay, listen, Beans.
Listen to me very carefully.
Did you mention my name?
What do you mean you don't know? You either
mentioned my name or you didn't mention my name.
Well, what do you know?
Tell me what? what you remember?
So, you're all bruised up.
The bruises go away quickly.
Just have to get some rest, okay?
Just go home and get some rest.
They left you naked
in the street?
Oh, racist bastards.
Okay, listen to me. You gotta
get some clothes or a top or...
or put a hat on that thing.
Beans.
Do you hear what I... Beans?
Fuck. Beans?
Goddamn it.
I remember
stopping, wiped off my goggles.
And I looked back at Tex.
And the poor guy was barely
hanging on behind me.
I knew right then and there,
he was gonna loose both hands.
So I took out my serrated knife
and held his head in my hand.
Hey.
What the fuck?
I hadn't heard that one.
I'm sure he'll tell you
himself someday.
Doubt it.
there's a note on my locker.
I mean, how passive egregious
can you be?
Right? Then, Murph accuses me
of stealing his comb.
I mean, why would I steal
his comb?
I got my own damn comb
right here.
You feeling all right, Floyd?
You seem like you're not
feeling, uh...
Well, you're not
feeling alright.
Had a meatball hoagie for lunch.
Went sour on me.
I might have to shed a tear.
Let it out. That's me here.
Thanks for the lift, Floyd.
So,
he was named after his mother.
Uh, yes, Florence.
But he had gone by
Floyd since he was very young.
- For obvious reasons.
- Hmm.
- Children can be so cruel.
- Hmm.
And you weren't aware
of any of his other aliases?
No, I wasn't aware of any of that, uh...
that side of things, uh...
Until the afternoon
that we met Anselm
You know what the word "chaos" means?
- "Chaos?"
- I have an idea.
Yeah, it's, uh,
total lack of order? Mayhem?
Yeah, uh, but it's also the stuff that
existed before the universe was born.
The Ancient Greeks, they thought
that we all came from chaos.
Floyd!
Who the fuck is that?
Well, there seems to be, uh,
some sort of, uh...
misunderstanding, and I'm prepared
to clear things up by phone anytime.
I'm afraid that won't work.
Oh, shit.
Do you mind if I bring my biographer?
He's chronicling my life.
Toothpick?
Are they flavored?
Fuck's sake.
Cinnamon.
Nah, sorry, allergic.
May I interest
either of you any refreshment?
Yes, I would like a pip Winkelmann.
Heavy on the lemon, easy on the rocks.
- Of course.
- Thank you.
- And for you, sir?
- Uh, I do a Falkenhagen
if you've got one.
We certainly do.
You're gonna tell me
what the fuck we're doing here?
Gentlemen, thank you so much
for joining us.
Why don't you grab
your beverages and follow me?
I'm one of Mr. Vogel Vita's
attorneys,
also his second cousin.
Did You say, Vogel Vita?
Any relation to Yan Vogel Vita?
- The Austro-Bavarian propagandist filmmaker?
- Distant.
But yes.
Falkenhagen, it's one
of our beer brands.
Get out!
Really? We love this stuff.
Must take a lot of beer
to buy a place like this.
Aside from the brewery
and import businesses,
Anselm has interests in a wide
range of corporate concerns.
The financial sector,
software and technology.
Ah, speaking of which.
- Hello, Andre.
- Hello, Charles.
Follow me.
Oh.
My little nephew. Louis.
Anselm, your guests,
Floyd and his biographer.
Uh, Samuel.
Your nephew is incredible.
- I'm a huge Beethoven fan and that...
- Same here, a big fan.
Terrific fan of Beethoven. Your
nephew, very talented musician.
And, uh, it was a nice touch with the
wig and the little knickers, I dig it.
Floyd.
I've been looking for you.
Oh, thank you.
Chin, please. The dossier.
Fred X. Dennis.
A.k.a Frederick Dobson.
A.k.a Freddie Pendergrass.
A.k.a Rick Stops.
Born Florence
Miguelito Devereaux Gutierrez.
Presently Floyd.
After dropping out of high school,
spent several fruitless years
wandering the west Coast
as an aspiring jazz vocalist,
but developed into
a small time con artist,
- penitentiary marijuana dealer, and occasional gigolo instead.
- Naughty boy.
Over a dozen misdemeanor
arrests that we found,
and two expunge felonies.
Currently under investigation
for insurance fraud,
suspected of forgery
and counterfeiting,
arson and public intoxication.
Previously employed locally by
Febreze auto as a used car salesman.
Hey, hey! I've never sold used.
Until he was fired.
And presently working flex time as a
security guard at Grand Bath Martlin.
Is that...
more or less
the synopsis of your...
biography?
No, no, it's not,
not at fucking all.
Can I get another drink?
Do you know
why we brought you here today?
You've stolen from me.
I steal from you, pal?
You see, Floyd.
Much like you, I quite enjoy
gambling on athletics.
In particular high school hoops.
But when I recently lost a significant
speculation on a near certain winner,
I have decided to do
a little digging for myself.
You paid Lentil Washington,
a.k.a Beans...
to throw that game
in order to guarantee
a win for yourself.
A piddling $11,000.
And your little transgression...
caused me to lose.
And I know this all for certain.
And you know I know this
for certain, don't you?
I could've went fink on you,
I could've told your bookie...
but you'd be dead already,
and that does nothing for me.
So, this is what we shall do.
There is a particular politician from
the Congo coming to town in a few weeks.
He's been giving me a bit of
trouble in his part of the world.
I will not tire you with the
tedium as it is entirely material.
But, essentially...
I shall need you
to extinguish him.
Extinguish? As in kill?
Mm-hmm.
Sorry, pal. I've done a lot of things
in my life, murderer isn't one of them.
Okay.
Then you shall pay me
what you owe me,
plus interest within seven days.
Or I shall extinguish you.
How much would that be?
- $919,756.66.
- That's bullshit.
How am I supposed
to get that in a week?
I don't care, rob a bank.
He was a dreadful attorney.
But that fact aside...
if I will do that to him,
my own cousin...
please know, I will do
the same to you with pleasure.
Thank you for listening.
Bye-bye.
Okay. Hold on a sec.
Hold on a sec.
Bye-bye!
Oh, and please make sure
Charles is not breathing
before you dump him. Thank you.
Okay. Where were we?
You are going to dance for me.
Okay, guys,
we'll see you next week.
These guys are not that bad.
I always say, you gotta
kill them with kindness,
and they will kill you...
You fucking liar!
Fucking shit. Piece of shit.
When the smoke clears, everybody's
lying about something. Everybody.
You're a sociopath.
Yeah. Well, I'm not the one
hearing voices.
I said sociopath,
not schizophrenic!
Whatever. They're both tomatoes.
- Listen, I'm sorry. I was going to come clean.
- Fuck you, man.
I will put this shit
in the book.
- All of it.
- Do I care?
Do I care? No, I don't care.
- Write whatever you want.
- Oh, I will, asshole.
- Fine, asshole.
- Asshole?
You're the asshole!
Yeah.
Wipe your fucking nose.
Why?
He knew that I
wouldn't trust him anymore.
That a simple apology
wouldn't suffice.
So he answered my questions,
filled in the gaps
and asked only
that I withhold judgment
just as he would for me.
He told me he needed me
as a friend and he meant it.
- Oh...
- Game!
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
So...
what are you gonna do?
Can you mortgage the house?
No, the house isn't mine.
It belongs to Jackie.
She has all the cash.
Can you ask her for...
Right.
I made my bed but I got a plan.
I'm going to do what that what's
his name said, I'm gonna rob a bank.
No, you're not.
Yeah.
It's an old chestnut, I know,
but that's why it's going to work.
Have a good feeling about it.
Besides, where am I going to get
close to a million dollars
in less than a week?
Bank I guess.
Do you have a gun from work?
No, we use bear spray
and sticks.
But...
- You're gonna rob a bank with that?
- Mm-hmm.
It doesn't work. Sitting on the bottom
of a retention pond for over a year.
I don't even have bullets
for it, but...
we're gonna have to pull
something in there.
Not worried about it.
We'll be fine.
We? What?
Are you kidding me?
- No.
- No, no, no.
I am not robbing
a fucking bank, Floyd!
- No, no way.
- Of course you're not robbing the bank.
I would never put you
in harm's way.
- It's why you're driving.
- Floyd.
No.
This is your thing.
Well, I figured you'd say that.
Suppose I could
drum up somebody else.
Better lay off that flask,
my friend.
I'm nervous, I'm about to
rob a damn bank, Floyd.
I'm robbing the bank, you're driving.
You shouldn't be drinking.
Let me have that.
Hmm.
You got your lipstick on it.
What are you doing?
Putting lipstick on
if you're just gonna wear
a damn mask.
Helps me get into character.
Oh.
There's no way
that thing's gonna work.
You're right, it doesn't.
- Oh, shit.
- Where'd it go?
Shit.
- Is that blood?
- A little bit.
- Am I bleeding?
- A little bit.
- Floyd, why am I bleeding?
- Just put a little pressure on that right now and... Here.
Keep drinking, all right?
Just keep drinking.
Oh, shit.
Fuck. And, uh, let me
get organized here.
I'm just gonna take care of business.
I'm gonna go in and out.
Five minutes. It will take five minutes.
Here, hold that mirror up.
I'll be right back.
Oh, fuck. Where's the mirror?
Hold it up.
I can't see, goddamn it.
Stop shaking.
I can't...
I can't see a goddamn thing.
Oh, shit. That looks terrible.
Oh, shit. Hold it up!
Hold it up!
Fuck.
Okay, all right. Just give me five minutes.
I'll be right back.
We'll get you stitched up.
Where's my purse?
Hurry up, Floyd.
He shot me.
F...
Oh, shit.
Go, go, go, go, go!
Go, go, go, go!
Go, go, go, go!
Straighten out, straighten out!
Where are you going?
Where are you going?
Straighten out! Straighten out!
Come on, come on. Oh, shit!
You're kidding me.
As Roy slowly
tiptoed to the other side,
Floyd's fortune
or lack thereof found him unable
to successfully evade
the police after his heist.
Dispatched immediately in seeking a
transvestite suspect in white evening gloves,
they found their man just 100
yards from the bank's entrance.
Are you sure?
All right, losers weepers.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Luckily,
he would avoid yet another arrest
because these cops on this day...
just couldn't bear the
thought of all that paperwork.
Do they know you
don't have the money?
Did you tell them you got robbed
by the cops, or...
did you ask for more time?
Time's up.
What are you gonna do?
You're smoking?
I bumped it from Eddie.
You know, about a month ago,
Kimmi asked me
to move with her to Colorado
where her sister lives.
Kimmi loves the mountains.
Should've said yes.
What about your family?
Eddie's at that age..
Well, he can't stand me.
And, uh, Jackie.
Lily might care.
She knows how much I love her.
Where did you find this?
I found it in the street
by the mailbox.
How did...
I want you to have it.
Floyd.
There's something
I have to tell you.
I don't...
I don't really remember, but...
I think...
I think...
The night you hit me...
it wasn't your fault.
I wanted you to hit me.
- I'm so sorry.
- I'm lucky you did.
You're the closest...
You saved me.
Hey, pal. How you doing?
- Let me go upstairs, grab your cash, I'll be right back.
- Certainly.
But please be cognizant.
You're not back down here in
90 seconds with what's expected,
you're gonna make things very
difficult for me and for yourself.
Okay.
What?
You know I love you, right?
Hey.
- What are you doing?
- I'm just reading.
He's gone. In the woods.
Floyd!
Wait!
No! Please don't kill him!
Six. Five.
Two.
One.
Zero.
The bush!
I miss him.
I'm sorry, I'm...
Where were we?
The epilogue.
I was in the hospital
during Floyd's funeral.
Wouldn't have been able
to go anyway. Not then.
They didn't even have
anything to bury.
They just put a few of his
favorite things into a casket.
The meteor hit that same night.
It was in my dream.
I told Floyd about it
and he knew it meant something.
Just didn't know what.
This, mm...
Delicious.
Oh.
Jacqueline called me out of the
blue, she wanted to meet.
She sold the house,
moved to the city with Edward,
bought a block from Floyd's
favorite old diner.
She had just gotten engaged
to an architect,
little younger I guess,
said Edward really liked him.
She told me her sister
had been in Las Vegas
and swore she saw Floyd.
She said if he was alive,
if he ever
reached out to me...
she'd just want him to know that
they were doing fine, they were happy,
and she hoped he finally
found happiness wherever he was.
Not long after that,
I was in Denver for a signing.
It's unbelievable.
It was like...
It was him.
I'd seen a ghost.
Astonishing.
Truly.
What about Lily?
Thank you.
Lily moved away
soon after the funeral.
She came to visit me
in the hospital before she left.
I hadn't seen her
since then but...
I thought about her
every single day.
or destiny, kismet,
whatever you want to call it.
Never believed in Santa,
magic, even as a kid.
The supernatural.
God, heaven, hell.
No.
I never believed
in anything really.
And then I met Floyd.
Let's talk about that
for a moment, Sam, if we could.
I believe that's chapter...
Yes, chapter three
from the book.
I don't remember much
of the night I met Floyd.
I remember
that I was intoxicated
and had been since
around 1:30 that afternoon.
Fuck.
I remember that
I couldn't pay my rent again
and that I hadn't paid it
for five months.
It's all over everywhere!
I remember that it had been
a year since Kathleen dumped me.
Almost two since my mother died.
And everything felt incrementally
shittier with each passing day.
Fuck!
And I remember that I took
a brief mental inventory,
considered my overwhelming
lack of prospects,
and in my state
of absolute crapulance...
came to the superb
conclusion that...
that it's time to go.
Shit.
Oh, fuck!
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Okay, okay.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, okay. Hey. Look at me.
Hey, hey. Hey, son, son.
There's been an accident.
But you look fine.
Everything's fine.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, shit.
Stay with me.
Stay with me. Shit.
Stay with me.
God, God!
God!
It's a goddamn
miracle that the kid's alive.
I would have to say "miraculous"
is the only adequate
description.
So aside from the
bum wrist and the, uh,
- broken ribs.
- Well, there was the associated puncture
of the right lung, of course.
The perforation of the bladder.
- Uh, the bladder is functioning quite well now.
- Hmm.
So he won't need, uh,
diapers or anything
- permanently?
- No, he will not.
Can you smoke in here?
I'm afraid you can't.
He exited the coma at
approximately 9:15 last night.
His last recollection is being in
the city on the day of the accident.
He's lucid, communicative if not somewhat
despondent, which is to be expected.
He will recover.
But I should tell you
that there may be some
hurdles in the near term.
What kind of hurdles?
Oh, he may experience
mood swings,
agitation, occasional confusion,
but, uh...
that should
dissipate with time.
The brain.
The brain is an incredible
instrument, Floyd,
capable of the most
amazing things.
But for all of its tremendous
power and magnificence,
it is incredibly fragile
and remarkably sensitive.
And miracles aside, with all the
trauma that Samuel has suffered,
it may be some time before
his faculties come back to him.
Truth be told, he may never be
that Samuel again.
How are you doing?
Who are you?
The guy?
My name's Floyd.
Hey.
I guess I should put these
in some water.
You know, a lot of people out
there might frown upon a man
giving another man
some flowers, but...
you don't have to worry about it.
I'm not sweet on men, nothing like that.
I'm a family man.
And I can assure you that I
am definitely a fan of the dames.
So, uh, Sammy,
please accept these flowers.
- Please don't call me that.
- Call you what?
Sammy. Don't call me Sammy.
Sammy? Sammy is one of the greatest
nicknames in the history of mankind.
- Hands down.
- Nobody calls me that.
I prefer Samuel or...
Sam.
Well, let's go with Sam.
Thank you.
- You really don't like Sammy?
- No, I really don't like it.
Okay.
It's no problem.
I'll call you Sam.
You know, I've been, uh, here quite
a bit since the accident and, uh...
Uh...
I'm sorry I hit you.
It just kind of happened.
I still don't know what...
How... What...
I'm just... I'm just... I'm just
sorry that I... that I hit you.
It's fine. I'm fine.
I'm here, uh...
Besides, I don't remember any of
it, and it could have been worse.
Yeah. Could have been worse.
They said that your father
has not come to this...
I... I don't want
to talk about it.
Okay, I understand.
Dr. Ike told me
that you were a writer.
So I've been thinking, uh...
Would you consider
writing my biography?
Uh, I don't...
I'm not really, uh...
I mean, thank you for thinking of
me, but I write short stories mostly.
The occasionally essay,
a few poems. Biography?
So you don't think
you can do it?
It's not that I can't do it.
Of course I can do it.
I'm capable. It's just...
It's not my thing, Floyd.
No, I understand, you're
an artist. I respect that.
I can... I can see it
and I can feel it.
But I challenge you.
I challenge you to at least try
for once to do something different.
Because when opportunity knocks on
your door, you might want to answer it,
even if she's
wearing a goofy hat.
- Huh?
- Just hear me out. I spoke to Dr. Ike,
and he explained to me
the situation
you're in with your landlord
in the city.
- Why is he telling you all this?
- No, no, listen,
there's nothing
to be embarrassed about.
Everybody skips out
on their rent every so often.
It's nothing. What I'm proposing is
that you come and stay with us out here,
me and my family, until you get
yourself back on your feet.
I can give you a cash stipend or a cash advance
if you want to get professional about it.
And... and all you have to do is
concentrate on... on healing up, man.
Just heal up
and write at your own pace.
No deadlines. Just as it comes.
How much of a cash stipend
are we talking?
- How much do you want?
- Uh... um...
Five hundred.
- Five hundred it is.
- Per week.
Dollars?
What do you think I meant?
I know what you meant.
This might sound strange, but...
I have this funny
feeling that...
He paused for a moment,
pondering it, reconciling.
Before finally admitting
this was meant to be.
I repeated it to myself
in my head several times.
"This was meant to be, this was
meant to be, this was meant to be."
And wondered for just a moment
if there was any possibility
he could be right.
This is it.
Beautiful home, Floyd.
She really is, isn't she?
Come on, let's go meet the kid.
Hey, you all right, pal?
Yeah.
Come on, I'll get your stuff.
Aloha. We're here.
I got that.
Here, take a load off.
Where's the goddamn
welcoming committee, Jackie?
Coming.
Jacqueline, Floyd's second wife.
And over a quarter century
his junior.
She was a successful attorney,
and on the partnership track
at Hutchinson,
Zimmer, Wallerstein,
Wallerstein, Cohen and Clemens.
She loved the city,
hated the long commute.
Would often work very late.
She claimed to let the traffic
simmer down.
- Here's my boy, Eddie.
- Edward.
He reminded me of myself.
He was a freshman at St.
Gerard Academy, the youngest in his class.
A dangerous combination of incredible
precociousness and hardwired pessimism.
His penchant for mischief hadn't yet
become a serious cause for concern
between Floyd and Jacqueline.
And though he didn't have
many friends.
He seemed perfectly content
with the fact,
as he said, "People are scared
of me and I like it."
Lily, can you do us a damn kindness
and come downstairs, please?
Lily was Floyd's daughter
from his first marriage.
After graduating from
the music school at Fair Gate,
she experienced a great deal of
difficulty pursuing a legitimate career
as a violinist.
Her growing sorrow helped turn occasional
drinking into frequent cocaine use.
And this culminated in the
inevitable mini breakdown...
and requisite move back home
to reorganize.
Welcome to the family.
Thank you so, so much.
Very good.
Uh, excuse me, but why
is my silverware so small?
- How do you mean?
- Look, my fork, it's half...
Uh.
It...
I'm... I'm sorry, I didn't, I didn't mean
smaller, I jus... I just meant I, uh...
I meant.
I me... Water.
- Looks delicious, Gloria.
- Gracias.
- You're good?
- Yeah.
Okay, everybody, Mangia.
So, Samuel, Floyd tells me that the two
of you are working together on a book.
How exciting.
I have no idea
what it's about because he won't
give me any details, but...
I am sure it's going to be
just... sensational.
- It's a secret.
- Mm.
- Is it?
- Mm-hmm. Classified. For now.
May I use the powder room?
- Yes, uh, it's right down the hallway.
- Thank you.
- It's to the... to the left.
- Okay, left.
Dad.
- Mm-hmm?
- Is he okay?
Mm-hmm.
He's fine. Just a little
shaken up, you know,
from the, uh, accident.
Otherwise, he's fine.
Pass the cheese.
Rabbit.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- What?
- What fuck is that?
- The fuck's what?
Is that a dead rabbit?
Yeah, pretty much.
Jesus fucking Christ. Well, will you...
will you please go back outside
and bury that little fellow?
- Hey, you been smoking again?
- Yep.
You... you gotta quit smoking, man.
That shit's going to kill you.
You're gonna end up like pops.
You want to end up like pops?
Yep.
Just a second.
- Decent?
- Yeah.
Brought you a little something,
a little housewarming, so to speak.
- Floyd, this is completely unnecessary.
- Ah, don't worry about it.
Open it up.
There you go.
Yeah, that's a fine robe.
I don't know what to say.
Nothing to say.
You already thanked me.
Well, thank you again. Really.
All right. I'll leave you to it.
It's good to have you here, pal.
I calculated quickly and figured
that it was very likely a suicide note.
My suicide note.
Of course, I had to assume
that the word "dome"
was meant to be "done."
It was a minor spelling error,
and to be expected
under the circumstances.
I had to forgive myself.
Um, I was never really a
bathrobe guy before that.
I've been a bathrobe
guy for ages.
Used to steal them from hotels and...
uh, but now I can afford them.
Barely.
- How about you, Linda?
- I'm a woman, Dick.
I would never have guessed that.
Are we even getting paid
for this?
Mm-mm.
Okay, went off the rails
there for a bit. We're...
Oh, yes.
Floyd's life story.
Right. Well, um...
A few days had passed
before we got to work and
I didn't really know
where to begin.
But then I remembered reading Dmitry
Hardow's book on Francois Lip Shits,
so I figured
I'd do the same thing.
Just, uh, you know,
start interviewing him,
ask him questions,
keep it relaxed and...
figure the rest
out from there.
I should read the book.
Why the French flag?
Part French on my father's side
and part Indian too.
Potawatomi.
All the way back to the French-Indian
war on that side of the family.
Napoleon?
History has misjudged that man and
I can think of no greater tragedy.
Hmm.
The man's legacy... Hey.
You should be recording this.
Mmm, I haven't touched
this thing in years.
- It's all yours.
- Micro Cassette.
- Always wanted one of these.
- Knock yourself out.
- Okay, let me have that.
- Oh...
- I am sorry.
- Thank you very much.
I didn't mean to, uh...
Yeah, sorry.
I'll change that out.
Fresh take. There you go.
Floyd, you've got a great voice.
I used to be able to carry
a tune, but not anymore.
Do you mind if I s... start?
I'm an open book.
Right, uh, before I do,
regarding the book.
I have to ask.
Why are you keeping it a secret?
Hmm.
It's a good question.
We all live multicolored lives.
Each and every one of us
and, uh...
we all have a range
of experiences.
- And...
- You've been unfaithful.
Let's not shit in the soup
just yet, my friend, okay?
I mean, we're gonna pull some teeth but let's
try to ease into it a little bit, right?
- Okay.
- For the record, I will say that my wife and I,
we have a great relationship,
really terrific, uh...
But I will admit that, uh,
Jacqueline...
Well, we'll get to that.
But, uh, what I will say is that
I've had some experiences in my life.
Some... some jobs, some things
that I've done that she's...
not quite aware of per se.
Hmm.
Like what?
Military. Government. Et cetera.
- I'm intrigued.
- Well, there's a lot more where that came from,
and we're gonna get there,
and then you'll understand.
But back to Jacqueline, she...
She also might think that, you know,
me writing my biography is, uh...
- It's a bit, uh...
- Braggadocious?
No, I wouldn't say that.
That's, uh, that's not
the right word for it.
Hmm. Premature?
- No, not that one either.
- Pointless.
Pointless?
Well, I certainly...
I certainly don't feel
that my life has been pointless.
- I'm sorry, I didn't...
- No, listen, I've done a lot of...
I've done many great things with my
life, things that I'm very proud of,
and everybody is going to read
about it when the time is right.
Uh, well, uh... Secret's safe.
Um, do you have
a pencil sharpener?
That's a pencil sharpener?
Thank you, sir.
Hey.
Are you all right?
I'm over here.
Over here.
Is that you talking?
Of course,
who do you think it was?
God. God.
What the fuck?
What the fuck is happening?
No, no. Please don't be scared.
I'm just trying to...
You're up early.
Is everything okay? I heard a lot
of yelling and dirty language.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I'm sorry,
appreciate the concern.
I was, uh, just...
I was, uh... hoo...
I was, uh, doing push ups.
With one arm?
Uh, yeah, just a few.
- I like to stay in shape myself so...
- I can tell.
I mean, yes, obviously.
I mean, I mean, of course,
it's... it's good to...
I should go to work.
Me too. Writing.
- The book.
- Yeah.
The book.
Yeah.
Have a good day, Samuel.
Hey.
- Let's see her. Let's go.
- All right.
Oh, this is, uh, this is
the guy I hit, my biographer.
- Sam. Nick.
- Boy, you did a number on Floyd's caddie.
I didn't think
she was gonna make it.
But we got her all done up like
new for you, inside and out.
I can't wait to see her
because if I got to drive that
goddamn rice grinder
my daughter calls a car
- even one more day...
- There she is.
Well, that's... that's, uh...
That's not the same color,
is it?
Well, about the color, Floyd,
you see, never really matched
the factory tint
on a full repaint.
- So in a certain light, you might find it a little off.
- A little off?
Let me get inside
and start her up for you.
Dammit.
Who hasn't considered a pre-circuit
at some point in your life.
I suppose what kept me away
was thinking about
those guys in those layers of heavy
cloaks in the middle of the summer time.
So that's the reason you didn't
go to the seminary. The clothes?
Well, that and the,
uh, celibacy issue.
That stuff's stuff
what those guys do.
But don't do.
Do you mind if I ask you what you did
before you were writing full time?
Just working for my father
reluctantly.
Doing what?
Franchise operations consultant
was my formal title.
Uncle Pete's Frozen Custard.
He's the CEO. He's Uncle Pete.
He was grooming me to take over the whole
company eventually, but I couldn't stand it,
traveling all over the country
in a shitty suit and tie,
dropping in on franchises
and shitty strip malls,
making sure they're displaying all
their shitty promotional material.
It just... I don't know, the whole
thing depressed the shit out of me.
It made me physically ill.
Seriously.
Anyway, he fired me.
Then a bunch of other bad stuff happened,
with my girlfriend dumping me
and even more bad stuff, so...
I hate him
and we'll never speak again.
I hated him before he fired me actually,
hated him long before I even worked for him
which is why
I was reluctant to...
Why did you stop?
I... I... I was eating
Uncle Pete's frozen custard
the night of the accident
just before I hit you.
I was eating Uncle Pete's frozen custard,
and it's like my favorite ice cream.
It's everybody's
favorite ice cream.
Why do you think they have
almost 2000 locations?
It's actually not ice cream.
It's custard. There's a difference.
Custard contains pasteurized egg yolks,
which gives it its creamy finish,
- and the machine used...
- Does it not seem strange to you?
No, I mean... not really, no.
I...
Why do you hate him?
That stuff is delicious, man.
I want to show you something.
Who is he?
This is my father.
Yes, indeed.
This old cocksucker
is my dear old dad.
Can he hear us?
Can't hear a goddamn thing.
Can you, pops?
This isn't right.
Exactly. Exactly.
Listen, I don't know
the pertinence on the decline
of your relationship with your
father, and I'm not asking.
I just want to let you know that you
can talk to me about anything any time,
and there will never be
any judgment. Understood?
As far as
this old bag of bones...
I hate him too.
I just wish
he could hear me say that.
Sometimes family
isn't family at all.
Hey, why don't you, uh,
wait in the car?
- I'll be right down, okay?
- Sure.
- Hey, brother.
- What's up, Floyd?
- Thanks for the help.
- Yeah, my pleasure.
- Here's 20.
- Oh, you, uh, said 50.
- Did I?
- Yeah.
Okay.
Of course I thought
it was his real father.
I had no reason to believe
otherwise. And...
he got so emotional.
I felt for him.
And I knew he felt for me.
He was coming from a good place.
And he hadn't told you
yet what he did for a living?
He said he was semi-retired,
that he was working
for Grand Bath Martlin.
The government contractor.
Hey, what for the hell
are you doing?
- Do it!
- No, don't do it.
Do it!
Are you fucking kidding me?
You got to go to a hospital
to take that thing off.
I am not going
to that hospital again.
- Ever.
- Oh, it stinks.
- Why aren't you at school?
- Sick.
I got to go to work.
Put an ace bandage on that thing
or something.
- Ridiculous.
- Oh, it's so...
weak.
And pale.
Don't you agree?
Uh, yeah. Uh, completely.
Absolutely.
It's not like I want to be a
librarian, but I'm just there.
Until I sort things out.
Plus... I love being
surrounded by books.
- Who wouldn't?
- Alright.
You are all set back.
There you go.
Fantastic.
Thank you, Lily.
Hey, uh,
you could always be a nurse.
Fantastic.
Thank you, Lily.
Uh, you can always be a nurse.
Are you ok... Are you okay?
What's wrong?
Did I...
Did I just thank you twice in
a row like exactly the same way?
No. No, just once.
Very nicely.
I'm sorry. It's just...
Still getting my wits about me.
Yeah, it's okay.
You're doing great.
Do you need anything
before I go?
Well, I am heading
to the library.
I'll see you later.
What made you join the military?
Oh, I was recruited.
The marines, they were
starting a new clandestine unit.
Very small. Very secret.
And they needed, uh, ten men total,
ten men in the whole country.
So they, uh, they went
searching coast to coast.
Wrangled up
about 100 candidates,
and sent us up, uh,
it was up north to Alaska.
Nine months of torture.
Pure torture.
It makes the SEALs look like
nap time at a nursery school.
I really don't know how
I survived it, in fact, uh,
there was a few
recruits that I know...
Sorry.
Uh, there was, uh,
a few young men who died
the first week there on the
Younger York Island.
Anyhow, the last ten
bastards standing
all happened to be Ivy Leaguers
with backgrounds of science.
And it was mostly plastics.
Plastics?
And is that... is that the work
you do now? Uh, plastics?
Yes. So... some plastics.
Some of the work is also with,
uh, lenses. Lenses and lasers.
Wow.
Yeah. It's a...
Yeah, it's amazing stuff.
Hey, maestro. Here you go.
Find your Beethoven right here.
Personally, not a fan, but I got
you some other stuff too.
That musty, old garage down
there, full of treasures.
By the way,
do you play table tennis?
Ping pong?
No, not ping pong, table tennis.
Ping pong is like
the "N" word in our sport.
Table tennis.
Now that you've shed
that plaster cast,
perhaps me and you can, uh,
partake in a little game.
- When you're ready.
- Yeah, sure.
Maybe sometime.
Okay.
- "Natural Sounds of Earth"?
- Oh, yeah,
I picked that out for you because I
know you need to relax a little bit.
This is especially good
when you're having a rough day.
- You just sit back and close your eyes.
- You breathe through it.
Personally,
it's helped me a lot.
- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
I'll check it out.
So, how is this coming?
Oh, I, um, uh, I... I haven't really
committed much to the page yet.
I'm s... still
in my discovery face.
No, I can see that.
There's no pressure.
It'll come.
And I've got the general
direction mapped out.
There's um, uh,
so, I mean, yeah, I'm...
I'm... I'm... I'm feeling re...
I'm feeling pretty good
about it, actually.
Okay, well,
that reminds me, I got here $350,
it's all I got on me right now.
- Put the rest on my tab.
- Tab?
- Floyd, it's $300.
- That's $350 there.
- It's $300.
- Okay, my bad. $300.
Put the rest on my tab.
I'll get it to you, like, uh,
Friday, Saturday, but soon,
I'll get it to you soon.
It's fine, whenever.
I know you're good for it.
- Hey, is this the kid?
- This is him.
Did you know, you just can't waltz
into the arena and start bullfighting.
Believe me, I've tried twice.
It's a blood sport we are talking about.
- Mr. Floyd.
- Hey, Sonny, what it be?
What are we doing here?
I'm taking you to lunch.
Oh.
Mm.
Mm.
Look at this. "Beans' big
buckets do it again."
This hulking mass of pure fury
is Lentil Beans Washington.
One of the best basketball
players in the country.
He plays for Eddie's school
at St. Jerry's.
High school basketball
is a very big deal around here.
Very big deal.
You a basketball fan?
Yeah, sure.
- Pros.
- Pros.
There's no purity
in professional basketball.
It's barely any in college.
High school basketball
is where the game
is really played.
At its essence.
Let's check it out.
Boy's made out of metal,
he's a goddamn machine.
- How old is that fucking guy?
- Old enough.
Sit down.
Atta boy, Beans. Atta boy!
What the fuck do you think
you're doing in here?
This is a close practice,
you jagoff.
It's also
a Catholic school, Greg,
one that I pay an exorbitant
amount of tuition for
I might add, Jagoff.
Get the fuck out of here, Floyd.
You fucking jackass.
Door's that way.
Sit down.
- Fucker!
- Hey!
We're leaving.
Hey, Beans...
Hey, Greg,
say hi to your wife from me.
Woo!
Come on. Let's go.
Keep playing, keep playing.
His wife,
she goosed me
at a fundraiser last October,
and he saw the whole thing.
I hit him low!
Okay. Put your arms up.
Put your arms up, breathe,
breathe, breathe. Ah...
Hey, hey. You alright, pal?
Tell me you're OK.
Must have gotten light headed from...
from running.
Jokes.
Yeah. Okay, come on.
Give me a hand. Let me,
let me get you up.
Let me get you to the car.
It's fine. I'm fine.
- I promise.
- You sure?
- Yes. Are you kidding me?
- Totally.
Okay, if you're sure.
Hey, listen, uh, I think Eddie has
a detention again today and, uh...
He might be getting out soon.
So we're gonna wait around
- and give him a ride home, okay?
- Of course.
Is there any orange juice?
Yeah, I'll see what I can find.
I'm gonna get some fresh air.
I'm feeling a little damp myself.
Edward did have
detention again that day
as he would the next day,
and the next,
and many more after that.
But it wasn't Edward
that Floyd was waiting for.
It was Beans.
Hello, stranger.
Santa?
Is... is that you?
No, little boy. It's not Santa.
But I have something for you.
Have you been a good,
little boy?
Are you...
really in here right now?
I don't know.
Why don't you
touch me and find out?
Is that it?
- Do you want me to touch you?
- Uh-huh.
- On your penis?
- Yeah.
No. Oh my God.
What are you doing? What am
I doing? No, this can't...
Relax. It's okay.
Hey, no, wait. You...
you are married to... to Floyd.
And what... Floyd... No.
He's like...
He's... he's, like, becoming
like... like a father to me now.
Kind of.
He ran you over with his car.
Yeah, but he didn't, like,
he didn't, like, run me over.
- I flew over. It wasn't...
- He won't care.
And he won't know.
We can be quiet and quick.
I don't mind.
Hey... he... I'm sorry.
I... I... Please, I can't.
It's Lily, isn't it?
What? No. Lily?
- You kidding me? Ew.
- You want to fuck her I know.
Look, I love her.
Like my own daughter. I do.
But that girl is a little
fucking coke whore with deep,
dark, deep emotional problems.
I'm just putting that out there.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
You're very sex... Pretty.
I... I just...
Uh.
I... I like your robe.
Floyd got it for me.
For Christmas.
I'm sor...
All right.
Sleep tight.
See you soon.
What you looking at?
What are you doing here?
I was gonna ask you
the same thing.
You are...
beautiful.
The cooler!
Is that...
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm sorry.
It's me.
Floyd!
Fuck...
Floyd!
- Floyd!
- Yeah. Yeah?
No, I'm no shark. But I got
a funny feeling about this, Gus.
Yeah, but...
Uh, Gus, le...
No, no, everything's okay.
Uh, let me holler back at you.
Yeah. I'll call you back.
All right, pal.
You all right?
- Huh? Okay.
- I had a horrible nightmare.
- What? Tell me what happened.
- I had a horrible nightmare.
I told him about the dream...
and how this one was very different.
Felt different.
Like it was real.
I told him about Lily and...
the demon.
I told him about
falling and, um...
watching myself die...
and about the painting.
I didn't know if...
if the place was haunted...
or if it was me.
He said he had some background
in parapsychology.
"More than just armchair,"
is how he put it.
Wanted to give me some tests.
What kind of tests?
Uh, there were shapes, uh,
geometric shapes.
Uh, just drawings of animals.
Is it a llama?
No, but close.
It's not a llama,
it's an alpaca.
Very similar, but not the same.
- It's a penny.
- It's not just any penny.
This little fellow,
he was minted in 1909.
It's worth a couple thousands bucks.
In perfect condition.
And it was in perfect condition until
my Lily painted this heart on it.
She was a little girl.
She thought that would make me happy.
Now, it's technically worthless.
But it's priceless to me.
I'm gonna ask you
to do something.
When I give you the go ahead.
I want you to close your eyes.
I want you
to take a deep breath.
And I want you to count down
from six to zero.
And when you open your eyes,
you're gonna focus on this penny.
- Okay?
- Okay.
Okay.
And...
Six.
Five.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
Zero.
Yes! Yes!
I haven't finished reading
but you have to tell me.
Where did it go?
Uh, well, I guess you'll
just have to finish reading.
Um, what do you think so far?
I haven't read it.
- But you just said...
- My assistance's reading it.
She loves it. I love it.
- We want it.
- You...
Really?
Oh my.
Wow.
I'm gonna be published.
- But wait, if she hasn't...
- Doesn't matter, we want it.
We want you.
You're a bestseller.
Watch, we're already talking
movie rights.
- What is that?
- It's French. The whole package.
Now tell me what happened.
- Shit.
- What's that?
A little louder.
I feel like shit.
Oh, don't worry. Eddie's coming up
with a Falkenhagen and two quasidream.
You'll feel better.
I'm sorry, Floyd.
- What are you sorry about?
- About your penny.
- My penny?
- It's priceless.
- Now it's gone.
- Priceless?
That was just a figure
of speech. It's just a penny.
What was priceless is
what just happened out there.
That was like a one in a million thing. Less
than that, it was like one in 100 million.
That was very special stuff.
That was magic.
Do you realize that
we can make a killing with that?
There's some serious money.
Plenty of pennies.
You have a precious talent.
You have a gift, and you can
call it what you want,
- but if we...
- A curse.
I call it a fucking curse.
- What is this?
- Beer.
Thank you.
Okay. You got two?
All right, thanks.
What are you doing?
Just what you told me to.
Brought the beer and the sinus pills.
Feel better.
I usually buy American, but the
Falkenhagen's got special ingredients.
It's gonna settle your stomach.
And the quasidream,
it's going to clear your head.
Those two little fuckers are
gonna cut right through the fog.
Go ahead. Take them.
There you go.
Good. Sam, listen to me
very carefully.
Floyd, I am not going
to do it again ever.
So don't ask, and please...
- That's okay.
- Please don't tell anyone.
I'm not gonna tell anybody.
Why would I tell anybody?
I don't know.
But everything is different now
after the accident.
Nothing's normal.
- Listen, you want to see Dr. Ike?
- I'm not going to a hospital.
Okay.
You're not going to a hospital.
I just want you to feel better.
- I'm crazy.
- Everything's crazy.
And that's normal.
You're gonna
get through this, pal.
Okay?
- You okay?
- No, I'm not okay.
I'm not okay at all.
From under the cover of my bed
sheet, I explained to Floyd
that a most severe depression
had consumed me,
and that it would be entirely
impossible for me to face anybody.
For how long? I didn't yet know.
I asked for some time away
from our work on the book.
He immediately obliged
and then left me alone.
Though he wouldn't tell me then, for fear of
further degrading my delicate mental condition.
He found the penny
at the end of the driveway.
Special stuff indeed.
I stayed in that room for days.
I have no idea how many.
And I didn't have
an appetite for anything.
An impossible darkness
had descended upon me.
My conversations with Santa became
more frequent, almost constant,
and gradually took on a tone that
could only be described as adversarial.
You want me gone, don't you?
Say it! Say it! Just say it!
You stinking little shitty,
little fuzzy, fucking fussy!
Say it, "I'll do it. You know
I will." Just say it!
Getting really
tired of this, Sam.
I've been trying to help you.
One of us had to go.
Stop it. Stop it.
Stop it! I don't...
Stop it!
Are you...
- Get the fuck out of here!
- Oh.
Eventually, I let Floyd in.
He suggested that we talk,
and after my initial refusal,
we did. For hours.
He had no idea where Santa came from or
why he was in there in the first place.
Especially
outside of the season.
Nonetheless, we continued,
and I revealed things to him
on that day
that I've never revealed
to anyone.
It helped me a great deal.
I wasn't with Floyd on
the night of the big game.
Though I had begun to feel
a bit more like myself,
I wasn't out of the woods.
Not yet.
I walked alone into town
to the King's Imperial Theater
on Main Street.
They were screening a restored
print of Victory, Oh, Victory
by the Austro-Bavarian
director Jan Vogelweide.
Turn it up.
Turn it up. Turn it up.
- Turn it up.
- Hey, I meant to ask you, how's the, uh,
- bibliography coming along?
- Not now, Roy. Not now.
Well, folks, St.
Jerry's face crosstown rival
Northeast High tonight.
And, uh, jeesh,
where do we begin?
National phenom Beans Washington
turned in an absolutely abysmal
five points on 57 attempts.
Yeah, you heard that right.
It was his lowest point
total since the second grade,
a striking aberration in the season
where he averaged over 50 points a game.
When questioned afterward,
he stated
with complete certainty,
"I'm definitely
catching that pink eye."
Despite little to no outward
appearance of discoloration.
Greg Osterhoudt was promptly relieved of
his coaching duties the following morning.
It was their worst loss
in seven seasons.
Traitor!
Shut the fuck up, Jimmy!
Shut the fuck up!
Yes, yes!
Count it.
That should take care of my tab.
- There's an extra 100.
- Performance bonus.
I'm gonna take you to dinner in the city.
I got this great, little Italian joint.
I want you to meet somebody.
- How are you, my love?
- Good.
Good.
Samuel, this is Kimmi Hamasaki,
my acupuncturist.
Best in the city.
This is Samuel, my biographer.
The young man I hit with my car.
Uh... uh, wow, um.
It's a...
It's so nice to meet you.
Floyd told me so much about you.
She is also an expert in shiatsu
- and other forms of...
- Eastern massage.
That's right, Eastern massage.
That's what we like to call it.
Oh.
Will you gentlemen excuse me?
- I'm going to.
- Mm-hmm.
Hurry back.
Mm.
- She's something.
- Yeah, definitely something.
Floyd, what exactly is she?
- You didn't get her for me?
- I'm in love with her, pal.
Got it really bad.
I'm gonna say something to you
off the record.
Me and Jacqueline, it's not
really working right now.
The waters are choppy,
you understand?
Listen, relationships
are strange.
It's like an enigma.
Women are an enigma.
No, women are more
like a riddle.
The whole goddamn
thing is a... is a conundrum.
That's what it is.
A man, he has to eat, right?
And when there's no food at home,
he's got to go out for dinner.
Personally I don't like
their cars very much.
But the Japanese people...
they have this relentless pursuit
for absolute perfection in everything.
I mean, and the women...
I'm telling you, man,
it's like...
What a culture.
Yeah.
How's the mac and cheese?
So I said, "Honey, you can't make peanut
butter cookies without a little peanut butter."
Oh, here you go.
Who the fuck
is this little fruit?
This is Bobby.
- This is the assistant tennis pro?
- Try paralegal, dude.
- Dude?
- Yeah, dude.
- Look who has a sense of humor.
- What the fuck, man?
I'll fucking sue your ass. I
work at a law firm, fuck face.
Bobby, I would like you
to meet my husband, Floyd.
Oh, and his female friend
from the "Rub and tug."
- What's your name, sweetie?
- I am Kimmi.
I'm sorry.
And this is Samuel.
My husband's victim
in a vehicular assault
which resulted
in a traumatic brain injury.
What's up?
Well, it was nice
seeing all of you.
Night, night.
Hey, Bobby boy.
Forgot your purse.
Here you go.
Fuck!
- Come on, baby.
- My papers...
What papers? Leave them!
I'd like to apologize.
I yelled at you
when I was going crazy.
You were just concerned.
You didn't deserve it.
I'm sure I frightened you.
I know you're mad at me.
You're really very sweet.
I... I can't stop thinking
about it.
I feel terrible, so...
Uh, will you... will you please
forgive me?
It's... it's fake.
It's silk.
It's real. It's just silk.
Smells like a real rose.
Yeah, they must spray them
or I don't know.
I would... I...
I wouldn't get too close.
Might give you a rash or something.
Thank you for my smelly,
little rose.
And thank you for apologizing.
So...
you forgive me?
Cool.
Floyd found it to be a
terribly haunting coincidence
that on the night
of our accident
he was enjoying a delicious
uncle Pete's frozen custard,
and my father happened to be the
founder CEO and corporate namesake.
This vexed him greatly and he mentioned
it to me several times during my stay,
always befuddled, insisting that
there must be a connection.
I didn't think so at the time...
as the fates would have it,
whomsoever they might be,
it just so happened
that Beans was also enjoying
a delicious
uncle Pete's frozen custard
on what could be considered
an equally momentous evening.
Bro, don't... come on, don't do that.
Excuse me a moment, sir.
Lentil Washington, I presume?
We've been following your career
for quite some time, Mr. Washington.
You an agent or somethin' like
that?
Something like that.
The man I work for is incredibly
wealthy, very powerful,
and he's taken
a great interest in you.
He request your audience this
evening if you'd be so inclined.
- Of course.
- Yeah, why not?
I'm sorry. We're gonna have to ask your
friend to stay behind this evening.
- Come on, man. I'm his body guard.
- Chill, chill, man, it's...
- Look, I'll holler at you.
- All right, man.
Hello?
Yeah, I'll accept the call.
Hey, hey, hold... slow down.
I can't understand a word
you're saying, you know,
you're crying, the tears
and all that.
Who fucked you up?
What... What do you mean you don't know
what happened? Wha... What happened?
You were at Uncle Pete's
custard?
Tha... That's a delicious
custard.
You know, my biographer, he's,
uh, his father was the one...
Okay. Yeah. Sorry, go ahead.
Tell me what happened.
They took you... Where did they
take you for a ride?
They put a sack on your head?
What kind of shot
did they give you?
What do you mean
you don't remember?
You started talking.
Okay, listen, Beans.
Listen to me very carefully.
Did you mention my name?
What do you mean you don't know? You either
mentioned my name or you didn't mention my name.
Well, what do you know?
Tell me what? what you remember?
So, you're all bruised up.
The bruises go away quickly.
Just have to get some rest, okay?
Just go home and get some rest.
They left you naked
in the street?
Oh, racist bastards.
Okay, listen to me. You gotta
get some clothes or a top or...
or put a hat on that thing.
Beans.
Do you hear what I... Beans?
Fuck. Beans?
Goddamn it.
I remember
stopping, wiped off my goggles.
And I looked back at Tex.
And the poor guy was barely
hanging on behind me.
I knew right then and there,
he was gonna loose both hands.
So I took out my serrated knife
and held his head in my hand.
Hey.
What the fuck?
I hadn't heard that one.
I'm sure he'll tell you
himself someday.
Doubt it.
there's a note on my locker.
I mean, how passive egregious
can you be?
Right? Then, Murph accuses me
of stealing his comb.
I mean, why would I steal
his comb?
I got my own damn comb
right here.
You feeling all right, Floyd?
You seem like you're not
feeling, uh...
Well, you're not
feeling alright.
Had a meatball hoagie for lunch.
Went sour on me.
I might have to shed a tear.
Let it out. That's me here.
Thanks for the lift, Floyd.
So,
he was named after his mother.
Uh, yes, Florence.
But he had gone by
Floyd since he was very young.
- For obvious reasons.
- Hmm.
- Children can be so cruel.
- Hmm.
And you weren't aware
of any of his other aliases?
No, I wasn't aware of any of that, uh...
that side of things, uh...
Until the afternoon
that we met Anselm
You know what the word "chaos" means?
- "Chaos?"
- I have an idea.
Yeah, it's, uh,
total lack of order? Mayhem?
Yeah, uh, but it's also the stuff that
existed before the universe was born.
The Ancient Greeks, they thought
that we all came from chaos.
Floyd!
Who the fuck is that?
Well, there seems to be, uh,
some sort of, uh...
misunderstanding, and I'm prepared
to clear things up by phone anytime.
I'm afraid that won't work.
Oh, shit.
Do you mind if I bring my biographer?
He's chronicling my life.
Toothpick?
Are they flavored?
Fuck's sake.
Cinnamon.
Nah, sorry, allergic.
May I interest
either of you any refreshment?
Yes, I would like a pip Winkelmann.
Heavy on the lemon, easy on the rocks.
- Of course.
- Thank you.
- And for you, sir?
- Uh, I do a Falkenhagen
if you've got one.
We certainly do.
You're gonna tell me
what the fuck we're doing here?
Gentlemen, thank you so much
for joining us.
Why don't you grab
your beverages and follow me?
I'm one of Mr. Vogel Vita's
attorneys,
also his second cousin.
Did You say, Vogel Vita?
Any relation to Yan Vogel Vita?
- The Austro-Bavarian propagandist filmmaker?
- Distant.
But yes.
Falkenhagen, it's one
of our beer brands.
Get out!
Really? We love this stuff.
Must take a lot of beer
to buy a place like this.
Aside from the brewery
and import businesses,
Anselm has interests in a wide
range of corporate concerns.
The financial sector,
software and technology.
Ah, speaking of which.
- Hello, Andre.
- Hello, Charles.
Follow me.
Oh.
My little nephew. Louis.
Anselm, your guests,
Floyd and his biographer.
Uh, Samuel.
Your nephew is incredible.
- I'm a huge Beethoven fan and that...
- Same here, a big fan.
Terrific fan of Beethoven. Your
nephew, very talented musician.
And, uh, it was a nice touch with the
wig and the little knickers, I dig it.
Floyd.
I've been looking for you.
Oh, thank you.
Chin, please. The dossier.
Fred X. Dennis.
A.k.a Frederick Dobson.
A.k.a Freddie Pendergrass.
A.k.a Rick Stops.
Born Florence
Miguelito Devereaux Gutierrez.
Presently Floyd.
After dropping out of high school,
spent several fruitless years
wandering the west Coast
as an aspiring jazz vocalist,
but developed into
a small time con artist,
- penitentiary marijuana dealer, and occasional gigolo instead.
- Naughty boy.
Over a dozen misdemeanor
arrests that we found,
and two expunge felonies.
Currently under investigation
for insurance fraud,
suspected of forgery
and counterfeiting,
arson and public intoxication.
Previously employed locally by
Febreze auto as a used car salesman.
Hey, hey! I've never sold used.
Until he was fired.
And presently working flex time as a
security guard at Grand Bath Martlin.
Is that...
more or less
the synopsis of your...
biography?
No, no, it's not,
not at fucking all.
Can I get another drink?
Do you know
why we brought you here today?
You've stolen from me.
I steal from you, pal?
You see, Floyd.
Much like you, I quite enjoy
gambling on athletics.
In particular high school hoops.
But when I recently lost a significant
speculation on a near certain winner,
I have decided to do
a little digging for myself.
You paid Lentil Washington,
a.k.a Beans...
to throw that game
in order to guarantee
a win for yourself.
A piddling $11,000.
And your little transgression...
caused me to lose.
And I know this all for certain.
And you know I know this
for certain, don't you?
I could've went fink on you,
I could've told your bookie...
but you'd be dead already,
and that does nothing for me.
So, this is what we shall do.
There is a particular politician from
the Congo coming to town in a few weeks.
He's been giving me a bit of
trouble in his part of the world.
I will not tire you with the
tedium as it is entirely material.
But, essentially...
I shall need you
to extinguish him.
Extinguish? As in kill?
Mm-hmm.
Sorry, pal. I've done a lot of things
in my life, murderer isn't one of them.
Okay.
Then you shall pay me
what you owe me,
plus interest within seven days.
Or I shall extinguish you.
How much would that be?
- $919,756.66.
- That's bullshit.
How am I supposed
to get that in a week?
I don't care, rob a bank.
He was a dreadful attorney.
But that fact aside...
if I will do that to him,
my own cousin...
please know, I will do
the same to you with pleasure.
Thank you for listening.
Bye-bye.
Okay. Hold on a sec.
Hold on a sec.
Bye-bye!
Oh, and please make sure
Charles is not breathing
before you dump him. Thank you.
Okay. Where were we?
You are going to dance for me.
Okay, guys,
we'll see you next week.
These guys are not that bad.
I always say, you gotta
kill them with kindness,
and they will kill you...
You fucking liar!
Fucking shit. Piece of shit.
When the smoke clears, everybody's
lying about something. Everybody.
You're a sociopath.
Yeah. Well, I'm not the one
hearing voices.
I said sociopath,
not schizophrenic!
Whatever. They're both tomatoes.
- Listen, I'm sorry. I was going to come clean.
- Fuck you, man.
I will put this shit
in the book.
- All of it.
- Do I care?
Do I care? No, I don't care.
- Write whatever you want.
- Oh, I will, asshole.
- Fine, asshole.
- Asshole?
You're the asshole!
Yeah.
Wipe your fucking nose.
Why?
He knew that I
wouldn't trust him anymore.
That a simple apology
wouldn't suffice.
So he answered my questions,
filled in the gaps
and asked only
that I withhold judgment
just as he would for me.
He told me he needed me
as a friend and he meant it.
- Oh...
- Game!
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
So...
what are you gonna do?
Can you mortgage the house?
No, the house isn't mine.
It belongs to Jackie.
She has all the cash.
Can you ask her for...
Right.
I made my bed but I got a plan.
I'm going to do what that what's
his name said, I'm gonna rob a bank.
No, you're not.
Yeah.
It's an old chestnut, I know,
but that's why it's going to work.
Have a good feeling about it.
Besides, where am I going to get
close to a million dollars
in less than a week?
Bank I guess.
Do you have a gun from work?
No, we use bear spray
and sticks.
But...
- You're gonna rob a bank with that?
- Mm-hmm.
It doesn't work. Sitting on the bottom
of a retention pond for over a year.
I don't even have bullets
for it, but...
we're gonna have to pull
something in there.
Not worried about it.
We'll be fine.
We? What?
Are you kidding me?
- No.
- No, no, no.
I am not robbing
a fucking bank, Floyd!
- No, no way.
- Of course you're not robbing the bank.
I would never put you
in harm's way.
- It's why you're driving.
- Floyd.
No.
This is your thing.
Well, I figured you'd say that.
Suppose I could
drum up somebody else.
Better lay off that flask,
my friend.
I'm nervous, I'm about to
rob a damn bank, Floyd.
I'm robbing the bank, you're driving.
You shouldn't be drinking.
Let me have that.
Hmm.
You got your lipstick on it.
What are you doing?
Putting lipstick on
if you're just gonna wear
a damn mask.
Helps me get into character.
Oh.
There's no way
that thing's gonna work.
You're right, it doesn't.
- Oh, shit.
- Where'd it go?
Shit.
- Is that blood?
- A little bit.
- Am I bleeding?
- A little bit.
- Floyd, why am I bleeding?
- Just put a little pressure on that right now and... Here.
Keep drinking, all right?
Just keep drinking.
Oh, shit.
Fuck. And, uh, let me
get organized here.
I'm just gonna take care of business.
I'm gonna go in and out.
Five minutes. It will take five minutes.
Here, hold that mirror up.
I'll be right back.
Oh, fuck. Where's the mirror?
Hold it up.
I can't see, goddamn it.
Stop shaking.
I can't...
I can't see a goddamn thing.
Oh, shit. That looks terrible.
Oh, shit. Hold it up!
Hold it up!
Fuck.
Okay, all right. Just give me five minutes.
I'll be right back.
We'll get you stitched up.
Where's my purse?
Hurry up, Floyd.
He shot me.
F...
Oh, shit.
Go, go, go, go, go!
Go, go, go, go!
Go, go, go, go!
Straighten out, straighten out!
Where are you going?
Where are you going?
Straighten out! Straighten out!
Come on, come on. Oh, shit!
You're kidding me.
As Roy slowly
tiptoed to the other side,
Floyd's fortune
or lack thereof found him unable
to successfully evade
the police after his heist.
Dispatched immediately in seeking a
transvestite suspect in white evening gloves,
they found their man just 100
yards from the bank's entrance.
Are you sure?
All right, losers weepers.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Luckily,
he would avoid yet another arrest
because these cops on this day...
just couldn't bear the
thought of all that paperwork.
Do they know you
don't have the money?
Did you tell them you got robbed
by the cops, or...
did you ask for more time?
Time's up.
What are you gonna do?
You're smoking?
I bumped it from Eddie.
You know, about a month ago,
Kimmi asked me
to move with her to Colorado
where her sister lives.
Kimmi loves the mountains.
Should've said yes.
What about your family?
Eddie's at that age..
Well, he can't stand me.
And, uh, Jackie.
Lily might care.
She knows how much I love her.
Where did you find this?
I found it in the street
by the mailbox.
How did...
I want you to have it.
Floyd.
There's something
I have to tell you.
I don't...
I don't really remember, but...
I think...
I think...
The night you hit me...
it wasn't your fault.
I wanted you to hit me.
- I'm so sorry.
- I'm lucky you did.
You're the closest...
You saved me.
Hey, pal. How you doing?
- Let me go upstairs, grab your cash, I'll be right back.
- Certainly.
But please be cognizant.
You're not back down here in
90 seconds with what's expected,
you're gonna make things very
difficult for me and for yourself.
Okay.
What?
You know I love you, right?
Hey.
- What are you doing?
- I'm just reading.
He's gone. In the woods.
Floyd!
Wait!
No! Please don't kill him!
Six. Five.
Two.
One.
Zero.
The bush!
I miss him.
I'm sorry, I'm...
Where were we?
The epilogue.
I was in the hospital
during Floyd's funeral.
Wouldn't have been able
to go anyway. Not then.
They didn't even have
anything to bury.
They just put a few of his
favorite things into a casket.
The meteor hit that same night.
It was in my dream.
I told Floyd about it
and he knew it meant something.
Just didn't know what.
This, mm...
Delicious.
Oh.
Jacqueline called me out of the
blue, she wanted to meet.
She sold the house,
moved to the city with Edward,
bought a block from Floyd's
favorite old diner.
She had just gotten engaged
to an architect,
little younger I guess,
said Edward really liked him.
She told me her sister
had been in Las Vegas
and swore she saw Floyd.
She said if he was alive,
if he ever
reached out to me...
she'd just want him to know that
they were doing fine, they were happy,
and she hoped he finally
found happiness wherever he was.
Not long after that,
I was in Denver for a signing.
It's unbelievable.
It was like...
It was him.
I'd seen a ghost.
Astonishing.
Truly.
What about Lily?
Thank you.
Lily moved away
soon after the funeral.
She came to visit me
in the hospital before she left.
I hadn't seen her
since then but...
I thought about her
every single day.