Big Kahuna, The (1999) Movie Script

No answer?
-Must be out shopping.
-God forbid.
-Why do you say that?
-No reason.
It's just something men say
when they talk about their wives.
One guy says,
"She must be out shopping."
The other guys says,
"God forbid."
-It's a joke.
-Oh.
So what do you make
of all this, Bob?
-What do you mean?
-How does it feel to be out on the road?
Well, uh, I can see
where it could be tiring.
Yeah, there's a lot
to this job.
You'd never know it,
but there's a lot to it.
You seem to have been
at this a long time.
Tell you the truth,
Bob,
I feel like I've been shaking somebody's
hand one way or another my entire life.
-You're very good at it.
-Well, thank you, Bob.
-I mean, judging from what I hear.
-Don't qualify it, Bob.
-What time you got?
-Quarter to 5:00.
-Hmm. Wonder if Larry got in.
-Don't you carry a watch?
The world is full
of clocks, Bob.
Clocks and mirrors.
It's a damn conspiracy.
Not that it matters
to me anymore.
All my chances have come and gone
a long time ago.
Why do you say that?
I'm not complainin'.
Everybody peaks somewhere.
People find their niche.
It's nothing
to be ashamed of.
Uh, how old are you?
If you don't mind me asking.
I'm 52.
-Your secretary said you looked distinguished.
-She did?
She said your face
had character.
I will give her
the benefit of the doubt...
and assume she meant that
in a favorable vein.
Sometimes I wonder what I'll look like
when I get to be your age.
Tear my heart out, Bob.
-Oh, no. That's not what I meant.
-That's okay.
I've heard tell of people
living well into their 60s.
I only hope it's true.
A-All I mean is,
I wonder how a person attains character.
Whether it's something that you're born with
that kind of reveals itself over time,
or whether you have to
go through certain things.
I never think about it.
For all I know, I could have a face
full of character and not even know it.
You think?
It's a two-edged sword,
Bob.
-So how long you been with the company?
-Six months.
-Straight out of school?
-Yeah.
Well, a word of advice:
It's never too early to start thinking
about where you want to end up.
-It's a lot to think about.
-Yes, it is.
Pretty soon somebody's gonna be handing you
a cake with 40 candles on it,
maybe 50.
A bunch of people are gonna jump
out of a closet and yell, "Surprise!"
like it's something you haven't been
thinking about every waking moment.
-What's that you're reading?
-Penthouse.
Oh.
-Wanna borrow it when I'm done?
-No, thanks.
-You don't want it?
-No, I don't read magazines like that.
Oh.
Are you one of those that believe that
magazines like this shouldn't be published?
I'm one of those who believes
they shouldn't be purchased.
That was a very clever
answer, Bob.
I just said
what I thought.
That's what I mean.
You did it without thinking.
Which leads me to believe
you could have a career in marketing.
What's your wife say about you
reading magazines like that?
It's not
my wife's concern.
-It's not?
-No.
We're divorced.
Mind if I ask you
what the problem was?
Maybe you better try
your wife again, Bob.
S-Sure.
I just have a real hard time imagining
what it must be like to get a divorce.
The picture
becomes perfectly clear...
after a very short
period of time.
Believe me, Bob.
Oh. Excuse me.
-How're you doin'?
-Pretty good. How 'bout yourself?
Can't complain.
What floor?
-Depends on where you're headed with all this food.
-Fifteen.
-Hospitality suite.
-Yeah.
Hmm. Me too.
On 16.
Oh. Yeah.
-This is it?
-Hi, Larry.
This is fucking it?
What do you mean, "This is fucking it"?
Of course it's it.
-What'd you expect?
-Phil, buddy, the operative word was "suite."
Hospitality suite,
not hospitality closet.
There's no room in here.
It's the best
I could do.
Where do you expect people
to stand, out in the hall?
What are you bitching about?
It's on the 16th floor. Look at the view.
Phil, man, we're
in Wichita, Kansas.
What does it matter whether we're on
the first floor or the 500th floor?
It all looks the same.
Next time you make
the arrangements.
-Murdoch would have had a room four times this size.
-Oh, yeah?
-Murdoch's not here, is he?
-You can say that again.
At least we have something
to jump off of when nobody shows.
-Fuck you, Larry.
-See? That's what I get for having aesthetic values.
Foul language
thrown in my face.
You know Bob
from Research?
-Sure, I know Bob. How you doing there, Bob?
-Hi.
He's on the phone
to his wife.
I only hope his wife
does most of the talking.
We've got to conserve
what little oxygen we have.
-What is this?
-What does it look like?
-You tell me.
-It's hors d'oeuvres.
-You call these hors d'oeuvres?
-Don't start with me, Larry.
Phil, buddy, these
are not hors d'oeuvres.
I don't know what that is.
Carrot sticks, celery sticks,
cup of ranch dressing...
and an overgrown
cheese ball?
This-This whole thing was
spur-of-the-moment. You know it.
-Do you know what the tool and dye outfit is serving?
-I don't wanna know.
Shrimp, my friend.
Jumbo shrimp on ice.
Oysters on the half shell.
All these weird kind of French cheeses.
These little puff pastries. That's hors
d'oeuvres, Phil, my friend of many years.
Downstairs they wouldn't let a celery stick
near the place. They'd check it at the door.
-Then go eat downstairs.
-I just might have to.
Jesus Christ!
Bob, can you believe this?
-It looks okay to me.
-That's exactly my point. You don't know anything.
No offense, but how many of these
things have you been to?
-Just one.
-This one, right?
-Yeah.
-Yeah, that's what I thought.
Who knows, Phil?
Maybe we'll get lucky...
and everyone that walks through the door
tonight will be a first-timer like Bob.
Is there a problem?
No.
There's no problem.
Oh, catching up on your technical
reading there, Phil?
Mind your own business,
Larry.
I'm not condemning.
I'm just saying I noticed.
You should have seen the girl
that sat next to me on the plane.
-Pretty?
-I should say so. And built.
And... wearing
a business suit.
That's right. You like 'em
in business suits.
There's something about a woman
in a business suit that drives me wild.
It's as if they'rev all tied up
in this neat little package...
Just waiting for someone to come along
and pull the cord that sets everything free.
A woman in a business suit
is my idea of art.
What about you, Bob? What kind of
woman's attire gets your motor running?
-I'm sure I couldn't tell you.
-No favorites, huh?
Uh, I try not
to think about it.
You try not?
I- I'm married.
Of course you're married. We're all
married. Even Phil was married at one time.
I'm just asking you in which direction
your tastes run.
I... I don't know.
Oh.
Let me, uh, ask you a question there, Bob,
seriously.
-What's that?
-Are you gay?
-Larry!
-What? I'm just asking.
He seems to be missing one of the fundamental
characteristics of the American male,
which I could understand if you were...
you know... but you're not.
Aren't you married?
I just see no reason to let my eyes
go wandering when God's...
given me a wonderful woman
to be my wife.
Oh, I see.
You're a spiritual man.
-That's a part of it.
-So do they blind you when you get saved?
Jesus said if you look at a woman with lust,
it's the same as committing adultery.
He did?
He must have never seen a woman in
a business suit. If He had, who knows?
We might have a different kind of religion,
one where lusting is a sacrament.
Hey! I thought you weren't interested
in my hors d'oeuvres.
I'm just tasting, Phil.
I'm not actually partaking.
I'm just gonna make sure
that nobody's gonna gag.
Well, don't eat
the whole thing up.
-You know why you're here, don't you, Bob?
-No. Not exactly.
Jesus Christ. No wonder this company
is spiralling into the shit can.
-You're here for cosmetic purposes.
-What do you mean?
You're here
to represent research.
Technical support.
The brains of the company.
-Me?
-Absolutely.
-But I don't have that much experience.
-That doesn't matter.
You, as a person, don't really matter.
It's what you represent.
Am I supposed to
be doing anything?
Nope. Just stand there and look wise,
or sit. It's entirely up to you.
You'll do fine, Bob.
Jeez, I hope so.
You know, when you think about it,
to tell the truth,
nobody's really here.
You think you see people walkin' around
those hallways? You don't.
What you see is functions.
That's the nature of a convention.
What Larry means is, um,
if you look at it in the standpoint
of why we're here,
what we are is more important
than who we are.
Well, that seems
kind of impersonal.
Of course
it's impersonal, Bob.
Why do you think they hold conventions
in places like this?
Is there anything about this place
that smacks of personality to you?
Still,
it seems a shame.
It's not a shame, Bob.
-So who do they have you working for these days?
-Uh, Professor Young.
-Jim Young?
-Yeah. You know him?
We've met.
-Tremendous guy.
-Oh, really?
How so?
He's got...
what, 20, 30 patents?
I think he's even
a deacon in his church.
And all that
makes him tremendous?
Well, the patents alone.
Listen, Bob, no offense. I can see
that you admire the man and all.
But let me tell you a little something
about Jim Young.
-What's that?
-He's an idiot!
-What?
-He's a moron, Bob.
-I wouldn't trust the guy to wax my car.
-How can you say that?
I've met him, remember? I've gotten an
earful of Jim on more than one occasion.
I can tell you for a fact
the guy is full of shit.
I don't think so.
I work with him every day.
Maybe you just don't know
what to look for.
Maybe I just have
different standards.
Listen, Bob. You got a minute?
I wanna tell you something.
Sure.
There are people
in this world, Bob,
who look very official
while they're doing what they're doing.
-And do you know why?
-Why?
Because they don't know
what they're doing.
If you know what you're doing, you don't have to
look like you know what you're doing.
-It comes naturally. You follow me?
-Sure.
Okay. So now, do you know how you
can tell the difference?
No.
All right,
the way you tell is...
a little voice pops up
in the back of your mind...
to say that this guy
who's sitting before me, or she,
is lying through his teeth
and telling me stories.
Now, once you get
that little piece of information,
what do you do?
Uh... Uh, I don't know.
Here's what I would do.
I would say, "Buddy, I've heard a lot
of horseshit in my time,
"'cause God knows
I'm a salesman...
"and we all have to wade through our
share of the snow to get to the cabin,
"but you...
take the cake.
"I don't believe you have the first idea
what you're talking about.
"Your children admire you,
I'm sure,
"as we all hope they do,
"and maybe your wife
doesn't know,
"but I know,
"and my knowledge forces me
to call you on the fact...
that you are a goddamn cocksucking liar
from the word go!"
And then I would sit down
and finish my soup.
You would not.
Phil, have you or have you not ever heard
or seen me doing what we were just talking about?
Yes.
There.
Do you see?
That's why there's hope, Bob,
because there's people like me who listen.
-When was this?
-What do you mean, "when"?
Are you doubting a man that sits reading
Penthouse to expand his mind?
Are you gonna
question that?
It was a couple years ago. We were
having lunch with a purchasing agent.
You see?
-You actually said that?
-Word for word.
It was not word for word.
In principle, Phil.
I'm speaking to the boy
in principle because, after all,
he's a bright young man and he understands
the meaning of a concept.
So what happened?
Well, what do you think
happened?
What would you expect
to have happened?
Well, the guy got angry.
The guy got furious.
He just sat there through the rest of the meal,
fuming, not saying a word.
D-Did you lose
the account?
Of course we lost
the account.
You can't speak to a man like that
and expect to keep the account.
And if you do,
if you say that to a man
and he puts down his fork...
and he says, "Bob,
"you are absolutely right.
"I have been faking like I know what I'm
talking about from the moment I sat down,
"and I'm sorry.
"Not to you, because I don't owe you
anything, but to myself.
"Because I want to be the best
human being I can possibly be,
and I want to be honest
above all else."
Then you forget about the account,
about everything.
You shave your head,
put on a saffron robe,
you sell pictures of this guy
at the airport,
because he has no fear
and he's just proved it.
He deserves
to be worshipped.
Wow.
"Wow" is right, Bob.
"Wow" sums it up quite nicely.
I mean, I can't believe
you actually said that.
I mean, I can't believe
you actually said that.
-Do yourself a favor, Bob.
-What's that?
-Don't ever become one of those people.
-No, I wouldn't.
I don't want to have to confront you
one day like I did that other guy,
but I will, for your own good,
because I like you.
Sure.
-You all right, Bob?
-Yeah. I just need to use the restroom.
-Want me to fix you something while you're
on the throne? -No. I just need to go.
-Who wound you up?
-Nobody wound me up.
I'm just excited, that's all.
We're gonna do some business tonight, Phil.
There's business in the air.
Do you smell it?
It's the kind of air that makes
account ledgers grow.
There's only one account ledger
that matters to us tonight.
We're gonna get that one too.
You watch.
Fuller's gonna come
walking through that door.
He's gonna take
one look around.
He will be
so overwhelmed...
with the fact that he's
on the 16th floor overlooking...
all of Wichita like some ancient king
surveying his fiefdom,
Larry predicts, that he will say,
"You talk to me about moxie?
"Anybody with
the aesthetic wherewithal...
"to pick this, of all places,
for a hospitality suite...
"must certainly have the right line of
industrial lubricants for my plant in Gary.
"What would it take to get you guys
to sell me everything you could make?
"How much can I pay you
personally,
as a bribe?"
-He's gonna say all that, is he?
-Word for word.
You know what I'm gonna say to him?
"Mr. Fuller, you are absolutely right.
"We do have the right line of industrial
lubricants for your application,
"and I personally would be proud
to handle the account myself.
"But there is one thing
I ask of you... as a favor,
to help us
get better acquainted."
-What's that?
-That you take me as your concubine.
Or Phil, if you think
he's better looking.
You really think
he's gonna go for us?
-He has to, Phil.
-What if he doesn't?
-If he doesn't go for us?
-Yeah.
What we do is we get up tomorrow morning,
pack our bags, catch the breakfast flight home,
wander into the office
around half past 2:00,
and then we hang ourselves
in the bathroom by our ties.
You... Do you know
what he looks like?
-No. You?
-I haven't the foggiest.
-What about Bob?
-Bob.
-How's Bob gonna know what he looks like?
-Oh, yeah.
It doesn't matter. That's one of
the great things about conventions.
All God's "chillen" wear name tags,
especially a guy like this.
He probably had one especially made in neon.
"Dick Fuller, President.
Nickname:
El Kahuna Grande."
I'm only hoping
he's wearing a ring I can kiss.
-Phil, what is that?
-It's a coat rack.
-I know it's a coat rack! What's it doing in here?
-It's for coats.
Who the hell's gonna bring a coat?
We're all in the same damn hotel.
Get it out of here. There's little
enough room in here as it is.
I wanted to be prepared.
If I don't have a coat rack, you're gonna
say, "Phil, where's the coat rack?"
Now we know where it is.
It's out in the hall.
Is he all right
in there?
-I don't think he's feeling very well.
-Really? How come?
Maybe it's nerves.
-Or maybe he just couldn't take the likes of you.
-What?
Especially when you come at him
with both barrels like that.
What, me? Nah.
I was just talkin' to him.
-He's a good kid.
-'Course he's a good kid.
I wouldn't waste my time
with him if he wasn't.
The last thing I need to do is grease
another asshole for the lubricant industry.
Besides, he reminds me
of you in a lot of ways.
-He reminds you of yourself.
-But I take after you, so it all works out.
I don't want any of these bozos
making long-distance calls.
Well, take it
off the bill.
Or who knows? Maybe he's just basking
in the experience.
-Going to the bathroom?
-Yeah. Have you been in there yet?
-No. Why?
-It's terrific, man.
It's the only thing I like about this place.
They got a spotlight over the john.
That and there's mirrors
on three sides,
so you can actually watch yourself
wiping your own ass.
Is that a major goal
of yours?
It's something everybody should experience
at least once in their lifetime.
Do you realize what the ancient
kings of Egypt would have given...
if they'd been able to watch themselves
wiping their own asses?
Plenty, but they couldn't because
the technology was unavailable.
-They had mirrors.
-Oh, hand mirrors, Phil.
Little bitty jobs.
You try watching yourself
wiping your own ass with a hand mirror.
You might...
You can't see anything.
You might as well
be watching somebody else.
No, no, to do it right you need
the full-fledged wall-to-wall mirrors.
Then you get
the total picture.
Reminds you you're not much different
than anybody else when it comes down to it.
-Gives you a sense of humility.
-Whatever you say.
Oh!
The door is jammed.
-I put a call in.
-Oh, Christ.
Hey, you feelin'
any better, Bob?
Yeah, just, uh,
Just a little queasy is all.
-Did Phil have you working on the floor all day?
-Some of it.
-Workin' the booth?
-Uh, yeah.
No wonder. You should've told him
to go fuck himself.
I hate workin'
the booth.
-I thought it was kind of interesting.
-There's no closet in here.
That's why I got
the coat rack.
Anything's interesting
for a while, Bob.
Dental surgery is interesting
for a while,
but some things
get old in a hurry.
-It's somethin' that has to be done.
-Ah. Well.
There you are, Bob.
Words handed down from on high.
"It's something
that has to be done."
Larry, let me bum
a cigarette off you.
You could ordinarily,
but not anymore.
-I gave it up.
-You did not.
-I swear to God.
-When?
Couple of months ago. And you would, too,
if you knew what was good for you.
Fuck you, Larry.
You're not my wife.
You're right, Phil.
I'm not your wife.
And it's good of you
to point that out...
because, as close as we are,
I sometimes forget.
Bob's got more sense
than the two of us put together.
-You've never smoked a cigarette
in your life, have you? -No, I haven't.
-I bet you don't drink either.
-An occasional beer now and then.
-Yeah, but nothin' hard.
-No.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm willing
to bet... I'd even lay money...
that never in your life have you walked
into a strip joint, walked up on the stage,
grabbed the dancer and fucked her brains out
in front of everybody.
-I never what?
-Jesus Christ, Larry.
Just answer the question,
yes or no.
Just answer the question,
yes or no.
No. I... I've never even been near
a place like that.
See, that's what I'm saying.
You oughta apply for sainthood.
Competition's not as stiff as it used to be.
You got a good chance of gettin' in.
-You Catholic? Episcopalian?
-No.
-Well, what then?
-Uh, Baptist.
Well, that is a problem.
They must have something for people who go
through their lives without doing anything.
-Not as far as I know.
-Damn it. Then it's time to change religions.
Go someplace you're appreciated,
where there's a chance to move up.
-You let me know if it happens.
-You'll be the first.
Remember it was my idea. I get dibs
on the concessions... little plastic statues.
-Where are you going?
-I'm gonna run down to the bar. I'll be right back.
I'll go with you.
Uh, no, no.
You better stay here.
I have to have somebody keep their eye on Larry,
make sure he doesn't sublet the joint.
When you're there, stop on 15, see what it's like
with people who know what they're doing.
That is, if you can live
with the shame.
And bring me back
some shrimp!
What a nut.
-Him or you?
-Him.
The guy cracks me up.
He's not the one I would
call a nut around here.
That's just because you don't know him.
You want a carrot stick?
-How long have you and he worked together?
-Depends on what you mean.
-Do you want a carrot stick?
-No, thanks.
Well, in geologic time,
we just met.
However, in dog years,
we go way back.
How 'bout human years?
-Human years?
-Yeah.
We've known each other a while.
Why do you ask?
-He just strikes me as an interesting guy.
-That's one hell of a guy.
If you're looking for somebody to admire,
pick Phil,
not that asshole
Jim Young.
How long has he been divorced?
I don't think he is officially, but don't
quote me 'cause I don't really know.
I think it's a shame
he has to get divorced.
Well, he doesn't
have to, Bob.
I mean, he's making a choice
to gain something.
-Like what?
-His freedom, I guess.
Still, it seems like
an awful lot to give up.
Sometimes, Bob, you gotta chew your leg off
to get out of life's traps.
I guess.
Phil's gone through a lot of changes
in the last couple of years,
and I don't just mean
the divorce.
Really? How so?
Well, he used to be a...
I don't know.
One day he'd be ridin' the clouds,
the world was a beautiful place,
and he was just happy
to be in it,
and the next day, you wouldn't even know
you were talkin' to the same person.
It was like somebody
let the air out of him.
You got the impression that at any moment
he could pull out a gun and shoot himself.
And even then,
he was real personable.
He just...
I got the feeling that something
inside of him had kind of... collapsed.
-What can I get you?
-Change for the cigarette machine.
Crown Royal on the house.
Poured one too many.
-No, thanks.
-It's all right, really.
No, no, thank you.
Just the change. Thanks.
Hmm. Things you don't know
about a person.
That's why God gave us eyes
and ears, to find out,
except for some things
that are none of our goddamn business.
Sure.
Ask me whatever you want
about Phil.
I'll be glad to tell you,
if I think you're being sincere.
But don't ask him.
He's been through a lot.
He doesn't need to be pressed.
-How long have you been married, Bob?
-Six months.
-You love your wife?
-Do I love my wife?
Why wouldn't I?
Well, people get married
for a lot of different reasons.
You seem like
a real principled guy to me.
So?
Well, I've known people.
I'm not saying you're one of them.
It's just I've known them
who were real principled,
and then they met somebody else
who was real principled,
and then the two of them
got married,
only to find out one day...
it was their principles
that got married.
The two of them
Just kind of came along for the ride.
Oh.
Love has a lot of counterfeits,
Bob, not to get too deep.
Sure.
Hey, speak of the devil,
where's my shrimp?
Eat a carrot if you're
so goddamned hungry.
Have a cheese ball.
I don't want any cheese ball.
I want some shrimp.
Then call room service
and get some.
I would, but I don't want to embarrass you...
in front of the boy.
Believe me, Larry,
as long as I've known you,
nothing you could possibly say or do
could ever embarrass me in the least.
You see what I have to put up with?
Twelve years now.
But one day, no more.
I'm comin'to work with an Uzi!
You're gonna read about us
in the newspapers the next day.
-You sure I can't fix you something, Bob?
-Maybe just a cola.
-Give me an ashtray.
-All righty.
How 'bout you, Phil? What'll you have,
a Black Russian, martini with a twist?
-I'll have a Seven-Up.
-A Seven-Up?
Seven-Up
with a twist of lime.
You feelin' all right
there, Phil?
-I quit drinking.
-You did? When?
Recently.
Well, I'll be
a son of a bitch.
I don't smoke, you don't drink, and Bob
wouldn't think of lusting after a woman.
Between the three of us,
we're practically Jesus.
Which reminds me,
who's gonna bar tend tonight?
-I figured Bob would.
-Me?
-Yeah. You mind?
-Like I said, I'm not accustomed to drinking hard liquor.
Nobody's asking you
to drink it, Bob.
-We're asking you to serve it.
-I won't know what I'm doing.
It doesn't matter. You pour stuff
in a glass. Now you know bartending.
What about the formulas?
Formulas?
They're called recipes.
We'll send out for a book.
That's all.
What if somebody
wants something exotic?
The only reason people order exotic drinks
is to show how sophisticated they are.
If they have to tell you how to mix it,
it's all the better. It makes them feel like experts.
Plus Larry and I are gonna
have our hands full.
The brains of the company
will try.
That's all we ask for, Bob,
is that you try.
Gentlemen, here's to the profound,
religious experience...
that comes
from doing a job well...
-and being grossly underpaid.
-Happy days.
-Happy Jesus.
-Happy...
Amen.
-What time is this thing
supposed to start tonight? -7:00.
You hungry?
-I could probably eat, I guess.
-What do you feel like?
Maybe we oughta go
on downstairs.
Yeah, that's exactly
what we'll do.
We'll go downstairs,
fill our bellies full of hotel food.
We'll "oogle" the waitresses
a little... or not.
And then we'll come back up here
and we'll show Bob the ropes.
We'll teach him what it's like
to do business.
-I'm looking forward to it.
-You think you're ready for the big time, Bob?
I guess there's only
one way to find out,
and that's to throw me in the water,
see if I can swim.
You're missing the point. We're about to
throw you off a cliff and see if you can fly.
-You got a tag on your pants.
-I just bought it.
-Take the little strings off.
-Jesus Christ. You got any scissors?
The brains of the company
will try.
You are saved!
You are saved!
There you go!
We save with Jesus!
Drinks for everyone.
Line 'em up. Line 'em up,
boys and girls.
You need a light?
-So...
-Yeah, you want a gin fixer.
Did you say gin buck
or gin fix?
It's...
What did you want?
Uh... I'll give you this,
some of this.
Phil?
Phil, Phil, Phil!
Do you know what time it is?
-I'm sure you're gonna tell me.
-It's 9:30!
-So what?
-We started at 7:00. He's not coming!
-He said he'd be here.
-Well, he's kidding, because he's not here.
-What do you want me to do?
-Act a little concerned.
-I'm concerned.
-Really? Because you hide it really well.
Well...
Just... have faith,
would ya?
Just once.
Have fa... Ha...
Have faith?
Have faith.
Hey, thanks a lot,
buddy.
This is the finest champagne.
That son of a bitch...
That son of a bitch...
talked to me about basketball
for nearly two hours.
All he did was exhibit...
that he doesn't know
the first thing about the game.
What? You think you can get me
a smaller glass?
-How 'bout a little thimble or somethin'?
-They're all dirty.
Give me that bottle.
That's what I love
about these things...
it kills me
about these things...
is that you get a guy away
from his wife for a couple days.
You pour a couple
drinks into him,
he, all of a sudden, becomes
the world's foremost expert on sports.
That's why God
created wives, Bob.
So that they could show men
when they're bein' assholes.
You get a guy away
from his wife...
for any length of time,
and he hasn't the first idea
how to behave.
Take it from me.
The Bible said God created Eve
as a helpmate.
-As a what?
-A helper...
suitable
to meet his needs.
I don't know anything about that, Bob,
but what I do know is this:
God created women
to be mirrors...
so a man could see
what an ass he is.
I mean, you talk to me
about souls?
A man does not know
what his soul looks like,
hasn't any idea
what his soul looks like...
until he gazes into the eyes of the woman
that he's married to.
And then, if he's any kind
of decent human being,
he spends the next
couple days throwin' up.
Because no man...
no honest man...
can stand that image.
Go ahead, take your shoes off and
be comfortable. Everybody's gone.
I thought you said you
didn't like being married.
Well, I didn't,
but that doesn't mean
I don't recommend it.
There's a lot of things in this life, Bob,
that are good for you...
that are not
necessarily pleasant.
Like circumcision.
Well, it's about time.
Where the hell have you been?
What do you mean,
where the hell have I been?
While you've been sittin' here, strokin' every
swingin' dick that walked through that door,
I've been in search
of the Grand Kahuna!
-The what?
-The savior, Bob.
El presidente.
The man who, with one small utterance,
one tiny ejaculation of sound,
could make this company
big with child.
Did you find him?
Phil, use your intuition
here for a second.
Use that God-given gift you have
for smelling out the truth of a situation.
-Do I look as though I found him?
-No.
Good.
You still have it.
Who are you guys
talking about?
We're talking about the Grand Kahuna, Bob.
The Great White Wha...
-Did you ever read The Old Man and the Sea?
-No.
Then forget about it.
We're talking about a man
who represents, as an entity,
the largest single account this company has
or probably ever would have seen.
-Potential account.
-It's good of you to point that out.
Potential.
What could have been.
Because it was our job,
compadres,
to turn that potentiality
into reality,
to have it show up in the coffers,
to court this gentleman,
to promise him favors, if necessary,
to get him on our side.
But did we succeed in this regard or
did we fail? Let's see a show of hands.
-We'll be all right.
-Yeah, of course we'll be all right.
Once they drag our bodies from the river
and send our spirits to the moon.
Then, sure.
It's the intermediate stuff.
It's the actual process of being
skinned alive and set fire to.
That's the difficult part.
The rest is duck soup.
You had to go searching
for this guy?
We had to, Bob.
We weren't supposed to.
But yes, we had to.
He was supposed to
have shown up here tonight.
Someone was supposed to have
lured him up here for a drink.
What are you lookin'
at me for?
I done my job.
-You phoned him?
-You're goddamned right I phoned him.
And you spoke to him
direct?
I talked to his secretary.
He was on
a long-distance call.
-She assured me that he'd be here.
-She assured you?
Guess what.
She was joking!
She probably had her secretary friends gathered
around the speaker phone, saying,
"Watch this."
-I bet she does stand-up on the side.
-Something probably happened.
I think it's rather obvious
that something "happened."
-Maybe he just pulled up sick at the last minute.
-Oh, no, he's here.
No, I've heard his name bandied about
all night long in the present tense.
He's here, my friends.
He just isn't here!
If you get
my subtle nuance.
Well...
we just have to...
figure out some other way,
is all.
Phil, are you deaf?
We lost the man.
He was invited, but he did not come.
We're like the dinosaurs
when the climate changed.
There is no longer any reason
for us to roam the Earth.
Why can't you just
schedule an appointment...
and go and see him?
You don't schedule
an appointment with this guy.
He's the president.
He refers you to his people.
-Why not go see his people?
-Because they're all dildos, every single one of them.
Sometimes you have to
go past the smaller minds.
You have to cozy up to someone
a little higher on the ladder who says,
"I would really like to try
some of this new product.
Either buy some and try it
or get the fuck out because you're fired!"
Gonna put another call
into his secretary in the morning.
Phil, are you not hearing
a word I'm saying?
I realize it's human nature to think we stand
another chance with this guy, but it's fantasy.
We're gonna go back to Chicago tomorrow,
and Evans is gonna say,
"Hey, Phil, Larry, Bob,
"come into my office.
"I have something
for you.
Bend over."
So what do you think, Bob?
Do you wanna do this for a living?
-I don't know. I thought it was kind of interesting.
-Oh, yeah? How so?
-You get to hear a lot of interesting stories.
-That you do.
They're far outweighed by the horseshit
that flies across the room all night,
but they're there
to listen for if you want.
Are there always
this many people?
It just looked like a lot of people
'cause the room's so damn small.
-Larry.
-Sorry, the carrot stick's gone to my head.
I met a guy who started
talking to me about dogs.
What about dogs?
Just that he's
always owned one.
He told me that one way or the other,
he's owned a dog his entire life,
most of them
German Shepherds.
That's not that unusual.
A lot of people have dogs.
Oh, I know, but that got us started
on all sorts of things.
Turns out he had to have his last one
put to sleep 'cause it bit someone.
So then he started telling me about
the one before that...
and the one before that.
And before we knew it, we traced
his entire life in this series of dogs.
Mostly German Shepherds.
I wish to hell
Murdoch was here.
Who's Murdoch?
Dale Murdoch.
The best damn marketing rep
this company has ever seen.
God, Jesus,
what a talent.
-Successful?
-More than just successful.
This guy,
he had the gift.
You know how, like, when you're watching
athletes do what they're doing.
They're remembering something they've always
known, instead of something they had to learn.
That's what it was like with Murdoch,
except only with people.
-Where is he now?
-Who, Murdoch?
-Yeah.
-He's gone on to his great reward.
Yeah, I heard he was down
in Florida somewhere.
Last I heard, somebody had said that
he had a whole chain of Burger Kings.
I wouldn't doubt it if it was the biggest
goddamn chain in the state.
But the days of Murdoch
are behind us.
Now it's the days
of Larry and Phil.
Phil and Larry
and Bob,
three guys who are about
to be royally fucked up the ass.
We'll be all right.
Oh, you think so, huh?
-Sure.
-Well, I hope you're right, for our sake,
because letting Mr. Fuller slip through
our fingers could be construed...
as an act of incompetence.
It makes us look
pretty damn bad.
-Did you say Fuller?
-Yeah.
-Dick Fuller?
-Yeah. Dick, Richard.
-Why, you know him?
-That was the guy I was talking to.
What are you...
What?
-The guy with the dogs! That was Dick Fuller.
-Oh, get out of here.
I'm serious.
Look, he even gave me his card.
-Oh, you son of a bitch!
-Let me see it.
-I thought you checked everybody's name tag.
-I did.
Anybody that wasn't wearing a name tag,
I came right out and said, "What's your name?"
-He wasn't wearing his name tag.
-What?
He wasn't wearing his own.
I think it was someone else's.
Why on earth would he be wearing
somebody else's name tag, Bob?
Beats me. Looks like he had a couple
of drinks before he got here.
Maybe he swapped it. I got the impression
he wanted to be left alone.
-He was awful broken up about the dog.
-I do not fuckin' believe this.
We had Dick Fuller right here within our grasp,
and we let him slip through our fingers!
-Sorry.
-It's not your fault, Bob.
We had him.
He was ours.
Next time you ask people's names,
whether they're wearing badges or not.
I'll give you a little piece of information.
There will be no next time.
We had Dick Fuller
within our sphere of influence,
and we let him walk out of here
without hearing from us...
a word of what
we had to say.
We'll be all right.
What did you guys
talk about, Bob?
Just... I don't know.
Stuff.
Could you be more specific?
Sports, weather, what?
Dogs mostly.
That's it?
Nothing else?
That and stuff about our families.
He asked about my wife.
-Your wife?
-Yeah.
-What did he want to know about your wife?
-Nothing. He just asked.
Did you tell him he could have her,
in consideration for throwing business our way?
Larry.
Well, what?
What did you talk about?
Just... I don't know.
Religion some.
You talked
to the president...
of one of the largest manufacturing firms
in the midwest about religion?
Is that who he is?
I didn't know.
Okay, wait, wait.
What did you say to him?
What exactly did you tell him
about religion?
We just talked.
-You didn't contradict him, did you?
-No.
Thank God. The first rule about
talking religion at a convention...
is "Do not contradict
the client."
I take that back.
That's the second rule.
-The first rule is "Don't."
-Don't what?
-Don't do it.
-Well, we seem to have survived.
-Did you contradict him?
-No.
Well, then that's why.
That's the reason you survived.
I thought it was a nice chat.
How did you end up talking about religion
with Dick Fuller in the first place?
It just came up
with the stories of his dogs dying.
-You told him his dogs were in heaven?
-No.
-You told him his dogs were in hell?
-Of course not.
Well, then what, Bob?
What exactly did you say to the man?
We started talking.
The thing about the dogs
was just a lead-in.
I mean, it got us talking
about life and death.
I-It was a lead-in, Bob?
Sure.
Which implies, does it not,
that you were...
looking for the opportunity
to talk about life and death?
Sure, l-I guess so.
Sure.
No, don't say sure. It's not like "sure."
How am I supposed to know?
I mean, most people don't go around
looking for opportunities...
to strike up conversations with total
strangers about life and death...
and religion
and things of that ilk.
-Some people do.
-Some people, yeah.
I guess there's some people,
and apparently you're one of them.
But most people, if you ask
about life and death,
they say, "Hey, life is good.
Death is bad. The end."
-They don't go looking for opportunities.
-I guess I'm not most people.
Bob, that's probably true.
I would say that's very safe to say.
I think it's important
to let people know what you believe.
Oh, Jesus Christ!
If I had known that you were supposed
to get in touch with the guy,
then I would have told you,
I would have alerted you somehow.
It's not your fault, Bob.
Phil!
How was he to know?
He was just talkin' to the guy.
Talking to the guy, yes.
But listening? I don't think so.
At least not for the opportunities
to advance the interests of the company.
Maybe if the conversation had stayed on
a more temporal plane,
then maybe it might have worked itself
around to the subject...
of where lubricants
might have been mentioned.
-You don't know that.
-Oh, come on.
The odds are a hell of a lot better,
but as it was,
the conversation was not allowed
to have a natural course...
because somebody was at the helm
directing it, right, Bob?
because somebody was at the helm
directing it, right, Bob?
-Sounds like the guy just wanted to be left alone.
-That is not the point.
Phil's right. He practically
came out and said it.
Well, guys, friends, compadres,
it was our task at hand...
to overcome that desire of his
for a little while,
to garner his interest,
and I submit to you
he did not want to be left alone.
If he had, he would have
stayed in his hotel room.
He would not have gone cruising the hospitality
suites in search of conversation.
I submit to you he did not wish to be
left alone, but only not to talk business.
-In which case we're out of luck anyway.
-Now, Phil, come on.
There's ways around that,
and you know it.
Not to badger the man but to let him
know what we came here to tell him.
-That's what I'm saying.
-I'm sorry.
Does no good to be sorry.
It doesn't do us any good now.
-What else can I do?
-There is nothing you can do now at this juncture!
Nothing.
-Did he happen to mention where he was staying?
-Somewhere in the hotel.
-This hotel?
-Yes.
What are you gonna do?
Bang on his door after midnight?
I'm just asking.
Is there a crime in that?
I'm thinking that maybe tomorrow morning
we could run into him...
in the coffee shop
downstairs accidentally.
-We don't know what he looks like.
-Bob does.
I'd be willing
to do that.
What's all this business
on the back of his card?
-That's where he was going after he left here.
-What, what, what?
Some kind of private party
at the hotel down the street.
-What are we doing here? Let's go!
-We can't.
-Why not?
-It's by invitation only.
-So?
-I think he'd get mad if we all showed up.
He made a big point
about how private it was.
That's the least of our worries.
If he gets mad, we'll deal with it.
Grab your coats.
-Not so fast, Larry.
-What?
I think Bob may be right.
We don't want to barge in on this guy.
-Phil!
-Think about it.
Do you really want to piss this guy off
by crashing some exclusive party,
not to mention whoever else
might be there?
You suggest we stand here while the account
of a lifetime slips through our fingers?
No, no.
Well, what then?
I think we send Bob.
What?
Look, he gave you that thing
as an invitation, right?
Yeah, he said
it would get me in.
Phil, Phil, Phil!
Don't do this to me, man.
What choice do we have?
That is our only
legitimate way in there.
Besides, he knows Bob.
They talked.
Bob's got an in.
You are putting our future
in the hands of a kid.
Nah, it's gonna be all right.
Give me your card.
-Oh, Jesus Christ.
-Give me your card.
All right.
Now, here's what I want you to do.
Sit down.
-Listen to me.
-I'm listening.
Here's what I
want you to do.
I want you to go down the street and
see if you can find Mr. Fuller.
If you're fortunate
and he is still there,
I want you to give him
our business cards.
Tell him that we
are very anxious...
to meet with him as soon
as it's humanly possible.
-You got that?
-As soon as humanly possible.
Okay. Tell him we'll be around the hotel
all morning tomorrow.
He can reach us here
or at the numbers on these cards.
All right, here.
Ask him...
Ask him to please get a hold
of either Larry or me...
because we would like
to speak to him very briefly...
about business.
-Just business.
-Explain to him we know that he's very busy.
It won't take up much time, but there are
a few things that we need to discuss.
Now, do you have that,
Bob?
-Yeah. I'll try.
-All you have to do... Listen to me.
All you have to do is
give him the cards and leave.
-What if he wants to talk?
-Well, then you talk as long as he wants.
Forty days and forty nights,
if you have to, until he tires of it.
-Then you come back here and
tell us what happened. -You'll wait up?
Till the next fiscal quarter.
Beyond that, I can't make any guarantees.
Don't worry about it.
You're gonna do fine.
Yeah, you'll do fine, Bob. I'm sorry
for doubting you. Of course you'll do fine.
If you follow those instructions to the letter,
you'll do great. You understand?
-Yes.
-Okay, good. Now go. Time's a-wasting.
-I'll see you guys later.
-Okay. And hurry.
But not too fast, because you'll work up
a sweat and he won't want to come near you.
Okay.
Do I, uh...
Do I strike you as a particularly
religious man, Phil?
Not in the slightest.
Then why am I seized
with a sudden, overwhelming desire...
to pray?
I should let it dry,
but I'm a little impatient.
I wonder if he found him.
He found him.
What makes you so sure?
If he hadn't have,
he would've been back by now.
Not necessarily.
-It'll be all right.
-Yeah.
Phil, can I ask you something
seriously?
Yeah.
Are you on some kind of medication
I should know about?
What makes you think
I'm taking medication?
Because I've never seen you
this relaxed before.
I almost get the impression
that you just frankly don't give a shit.
I don't.
No, I know that. We all don't give
a shit to a certain extent.
What I'm saying is,
it's like you don't care.
I'm tired, Larry.
Well, I recognize that.
It's been a very long day.
That's not what I mean.
I get what you're driving at,
and I sympathize. I do.
We all know you've been
going through a lot lately, Phil.
For a long time I've been meaning to state
outright, if you need anything at all,
you don't hesitate to call,
day or night.
I would've said something sooner, but
I thought maybe it was understood.
I assumed as much.
Well, you were right, too,
and I hope you know I mean it.
I've been thinkin' about
makin' a few changes.
Like what?
I don't know.
Just changes.
Are you sure
that's wise, Phil?
You've had an awful lot of changes
imposed on you in recent days.
Maybe it's time for you to just,
you know, let things settle.
I've been toying
with the idea...
of pursuing
a different line of work.
Something other
than marketing?
Yeah.
Speaking as your friend, Phil, as one
who knows you intimately, as it were,
I think that's a bad idea,
dare I say
an entirely shitty idea.
-Why?
-Because "A," you were born for this.
You have a gift.
I'm not Murdoch.
Well, nobody's Murdoch.
Murdoch doesn't exist.
He's what we pumped him up to be.
"B," I don't exactly relish the idea of
goin' out on the road with somebody new.
-It was gonna happen sooner or later.
-No, it wasn't.
I was always hoping we'd end
in a kind of murder-suicide thing.
I've been thinking
about...
a lot of other
things lately too.
Well, Phil, if something's
bothering you, get it out.
It doesn't do any good
to let things fester.
What exactly
have you been...
thinking so much about?
-Life.
-Life?
And death.
Jesus, not you too?
What is it with everyone...
suddenly thinking
about life and death?
Is there something going on that nobody's
telling me that I should be told about,
like sunspots or something?
Is there a plague coming
to wipe us from the globe?
-Strange things happen.
-No, they don't.
Not unless they're printed
first in USA Today.
Jesus comes again,
He's got to give 'em two days' notice.
Time to work up one
of them little graphs.
I've been thinking
about God lately too.
Wondering.
About God?
Yeah.
What about Him?
I don't know.
Haven't you just
wondered about God, ever?
Yeah. Everybody wonders about God
every now and then.
It's just some of us
don't dwell on it, you know?
I give it a place.
I believe what I believe.
-Which is what?
-How the hell should I know?
When I was a kid,
I had a dream about God.
I dreamt...
I found Him hiding
in a closet...
in the middle
of a burnt-out city.
This city was destroyed
by fire...
or some kind
of explosion.
And... there
in the middle of it...
was a coat closet...
standing there
all by itself.
And I walked up to the closet
and opened the door...
and inside was God,
hiding.
I remember He had a...
a big lion head.
But I knew
it wasn't a lion.
It was God.
And He was afraid.
And... I reached
out my hand...
to lead Him
out of the closet,
and I said,
"Don't be afraid, God.
I'm on Your side."
And we stood there,
the two of us,
holding hands,
looking out over
the destruction.
It was just after sunset.
I don't know why,
but I've always had this...
haunting feeling...
that I had some kind
of mission here on Earth.
A mission?
Yeah.
What kind
of mission?
I have no idea.
Well, I'll tell you
what your mission is.
Your mission is
the same as mine...
to be a... a liaison
between parties.
Things like that
don't bother you, huh?
-What do you mean? Dreams?
-Questions about God.
Well, I figure,
you know...
I'm gonna find out
sooner or later.
My wondering about it
isn't gonna change anything.
In the meantime, why lose sleep?
I get precious little as it is.
But you still wonder,
don't you?
I'm human, Phil.
I know.
We're all very tired, Phil.
It's the nature of the business.
You've been under a lot of stress
lately too.
Is that what it is?
Yeah. You're damn right
that's what it is.
You need a vacation.
-I just had a vacation.
-It didn't do any good, so you need another one.
You know, maybe just
a good, hot date.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
You need what's-her-name,
the blonde.
-Susan.
-Yeah. Susan.
That's exactly what you do.
You call her up,
you tell her you made reservations
in the Dells,
you buy yourself a gross
or two of condoms,
and then the two of you
go at it like hamsters in heat.
You forget about work.
You forget about everything.
You just go on up there
and get your ashes hauled.
Do you love me, Larry?
D-Do I love you?
Yeah.
Well, it depends on what you mean, Phil.
I mean...
If you're asking, am I willing
to have your children, well, then, no,
I probably don't love you.
Why do you ask?
Why do you ask?
It's just a question.
How could I not love you?
You have good hygiene.
You're a snappy dresser.
You don't talk with your mouth full.
What's not to love about that?
Forget it.
What brought that on?
Well, when I was a kid,
there was a Bible verse
that I learned.
And Jesus said,
"Greater love has
no man than this:
that he lays down
his life for his friend."
Are you asking,
would I be willing to die for you?
I guess so.
That's pushing things
kind of far, Phil.
I mean, what situation
could possibly come up...
that I would be called upon
to die for you?
Beats me.
I mean, what?
You're saying, "Hey, hey.
"Larry, take a flying leap
off the balcony"? No, I wouldn't.
I wouldn't ask you.
Well, even if you did,
I'd say, "Phil, my friend,
"we've enjoyed a long
and happy relationship...
"these last I-don't-know-
how-many years,
"but in answer to your request, no, fuck you,"
and then I would dismiss myself,
no hard feelings.
Right. You should.
I don't know who I love.
There's a lot
of people I like.
But love?
That's a whole
different story.
Don't worry about it.
Yeah.
Oh, he's here.
I told you.
So. What?
How'd it go?
-Okay.
-Did you find him?
Yes, I-I found him.
-And?
-And we talked.
-And?
-And nothing. We just talked.
Well, what'd you talk
about, Bob?
Bob, what did you
talk about?
We talked about Christ.
-You talked about...
-Jesus.
Did you mention, perhaps, what line of industrial
lubricants Jesus would have endorsed?
-Larry...
-What did you say to him, Bob?
We just...
discussed things.
Concerning Jesus?
-Concerning a lot of things.
-In relation to...
-Jesus.
-Jesus.
Yes, I see.
So the subject of lubricants
didn't come up, I take it.
The nature of the conversation
steered itself away from that.
The nature did?
All by itself?
Yes.
So, conversation was
Just kind of going along,
you know, on its own,
and then suddenly,
out of the blue,
and before you knew it,
you were just there talking about God...
or Jesus... excuse me.
It was just
two people talking.
I'm about to say
something to you, Bob.
It's not something I say
to a lot of people,
because I have to truly
mean it and believe it.
Because to me, it's like
telling somebody to go to hell.
That's what it means to me.
-What is it?
-It's that I don't believe you, Bob.
-You don't...
-Believe you. Yes.
I'm having a hard time
convincing myself...
that what you
Just said is true.
-It is true.
-Perhaps.
But I'm having a hard time.
Do you understand?
-Come on.
-Leave me alone!
Will you please...
I'm trying to deal with things here,
okay, so just don't interrupt me again.
-It's all right, Phil.
-See? It's all right.
Now, Bob, I'd like
to ask you a question,
and I'd like
a straight answer.
-Can you give that?
-Yes.
Who raised...
the subject of Jesus,
honestly?
-I did.
-You...
Yes.
mentioned Jesus first.
Yes.
Why?
Because it's very
important to me...
that people hear
about Jesus.
You mean, that...
that He died
for their sins?
Yes.
Okay, Bob. Let me
restate the question.
Understanding
that it was...
very important
to our being here...
that we meet with
and speak to Mr. Fuller...
concerning
the lubricant situation,
why did you instead...
choose to talk
to him about Jesus?
Because I think
it's more important.
Even though we're at a convention
where it's more customary...
to talk business.
Yes!
I understand, Larry.
I just don't see
the crime in speaking...
to, uh, another human being
as another human being.
I didn't mention work or lubricants
or anything like that...
because I didn't want him
to think I was using...
the subject of religion
to cozy up to him,
to get him to sign
some contract.
I didn't want him
to think I was insincere.
But you were insincere, Bob,
in a much greater sense.
But you were insincere, Bob,
in a much greater sense.
If we're nothing but functions here,
then why don't they just send robots?
They don't send robots, Bob,
for the simple reason,
they haven't
invented one yet.
The day comes
when they can build a robot...
to do what we do
and make it work,
then that's exactly
what they'll do,
precisely.
But until that day,
they send us.
They say, "Hey, Bob,
Larry, Phil,
"why don't you go on down to Wichita
for a couple of days?
Don't worry about your room and board.
We'll take care of that."
And for a couple
of days, Bob,
we lose
our identities...
here in Wichita,
and we become
the hands of the company,
shaking all the other
hands before us.
What you did, the reason
you were insincere,
is that you
cut off that bond.
It would be like the hand Just sort of
breaking away from the arm and saying,
"Oh, you know what? I have this thing out here
to do that has nothing to do with you."
-The apostle Paul said...
-Please don't do that.
I'm trying to have conversation. Please don't
bring Paul in. I'm trying to do something else.
I don't see how we can have
a conversation like this...
if I'm not allowed to bring up
the subject of God.
I'm talking about something
bigger than God.
-Bigger than God?
-At issue, Bob, is not your belief in God...
or your desire
to spread that belief.
At issue is what
we're here to do.
Which is what, Larry?
We're here to sell
lubricants, Bob...
industrial lubricants...
not to save souls.
We're not here to go chasing women either,
but that doesn't stop you.
How dare you throw that
back in my face?
How dare you,
you little pipsqueak?
There is nothing wrong with admiring
the scenery while you're doing business,
as long as you're
doing business!
And for your information,
son,
fifteen years,
not once have I cheated
on my wife.
If you look at a woman with lust,
it's the same as...
-No, it's not! There's a hell of a difference.
-That's not what Jesus said.
How do you know what Jesus said,
for Christ's sake? Were you there?
-No, somebody wrote it down in a book.
-Larry.
-If somebody handed it down, you believe it, sure.
-Transcriptions are true!
It could mean I'm right or you're right.
We weren't there!
-The Bible specifically says...
-Don't you quote Scripture to me, Bob.
-Do not do it!
-I go back to what the apostle Paul...
The apostle Paul was not sent
to Wichita to hawk...
Larry. Larry.
Larry!
Larry. Larry!
With or without
the account,
we'll live.
Come on.
I'm sorry.
Yes.
We'll live.
We'll live.
I believe
I just said that.
I'm suddenly very conscious
of the lateness of things.
What time do you want to get together
in the morning?
Doesn't matter.
What time?
7:30.
Make it 8:00.
Fine. 8:00.
Forgive me, Bob, for...
behaving as though
I were your father,
for trying to give you
a little something of...
what I am.
It's all right.
Larry.
Good night.
There's somethin'
I wanna say to you.
And I want you to listen
very closely...
because
it's very important.
The man we just chased
from here...
We didn't chase anybody.
The man who just left
the room...
a moment ago...
is a very good friend
of mine.
Is it because I've known him
for a long time?
Well, there are a lot of people...
who I've known for quite a while.
And some of them
I wouldn't let wipe my dog's ass.
Others I can take or leave.
They don't matter to me.
But Larry matters
very much,
the reason being...
I can trust him.
I know I can trust him.
He's honest.
Is he honest,
or is he just blunt?
He's honest, Bob.
He's blunt as well.
That sometimes
is part of being honest,
because there are a lot of people
who are blunt but not honest.
Larry is not one of those.
Larry is an honest man.
You, too,
are an honest man.
I believe that somewhere
deep down inside of you...
is something that strives
to be honest.
The question that you
have to ask yourself...
is, "Has it touched
the whole of my life?"
What does that mean?
That means that you preaching Jesus
is no different...
than Larry or anybody else
preaching lubricants.
It doesn't matter whether you're
selling Jesus or Buddha...
or civil rights...
or how to make money in real estate
with no money down.
That doesn't make you
a human being.
It makes you
a marketing rep.
If you wanna talk
to somebody honestly,
as a human being,
ask him about his kids.
Find out what his dreams are,
Just to find out.
For no other reason.
Because as soon as you lay your hands
on a conversation,
to steer it,
it's not a conversation
anymore.
It's a pitch,
and you're not a human being.
You're a marketing rep.
Forgive me if I
respectfully disagree.
We were talking before
about... character.
You were asking me
about character.
We were speaking
of faces.
But the question
is much deeper than that.
The question is...
do you have
any character at all?
And if you want my honest opinion,
Bob, you do not,
for the simple reason...
that you don't regret
anything yet.
You're saying I won't have
any character...
unless I do something
I regret?
No, Bob.
I'm saying you've already done
plenty of things to regret.
You just don't know
what they are.
It's when you
discover them,
when you see the folly
in something you've done...
and you wish...
that you had it
to do over,
but you know you can't...
'cause it's too late.
So you pick that thing up
and you carry it with you...
to remind you
that life goes on.
The world will spin
without you.
You really don't matter
in the end.
Then you will attain
character.
Because honesty...
will reach out
from inside...
and tattoo itself
all across your face.
Until that day,
however,
you cannot expect to go
beyond a certain point.
May I go now?
Go ahead.
Thank you.
Good night.
Hello?
No, you just...
you just missed him.
What's that?
I love you too.
Yeah.
Enjoy the power and beauty
of your youth.
Oh, never mind.
You will not understand
the power and beauty of your youth...
until they've faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you'll look
back at photos of yourself...
and recall in a way
you can't grasp now...
how much possibility
lay before you...
and how fabulous
you really looked.
You are not as fat
as you imagine.
Don't worry
about the future,
or worry
but know that worrying...
is as effective as trying to solve
an algebra equation...
by chewing bubble gum.
The real troubles in your life
are apt to be things...
that never crossed
your worried mind,
the kind that blindsides you
at 4:00 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day
that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless
with other people's hearts.
Don't put up with people
who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don't waste your time
on jealousy.
Sometimes you're ahead.
Sometimes you're behind.
The race is long,
and in the end,
it's only with yourself.
Remember compliments
you receive.
Forget the insults.
If you succeed in doing this,
tell me how.
Keep your old love letters.
Throw away
your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know
what you want to do with your life.
The most interesting people
I know didn't know at 22...
what they wanted to do
with their lives.
Some of the most interesting
40-year-olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees.
You'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry.
Maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll have children.
Maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll divorce at 40.
Maybe you'll dance the funky chicken
on your 75th wedding anniversary.
Whatever you do,
don't congratulate yourself too much...
or berate yourself either.
Your choices are half chance.
So are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body.
Use it every way you can.
Don't be afraid of it
or what other people think of it.
It's the greatest instrument
you'll ever own.
Dance,
even if you have nowhere to do it
but in your own living room.
Read the directions
even if you don't follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines.
They will only
make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents.
You never know
when they'll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings.
They're your best link to your past
and the people most likely...
to stick with you
in the future.
Understand that friends
come and go,
but with the precious few
you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps
in geography and lifestyle.
The older you get,
the more you need the people
you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once,
but leave before it makes you hard.
Life in Northern California
once,
but leave before
it makes you soft.
Travel.
Don't mess too much
with your hair...
or by the time you're 40,
it will look 85.
Be careful
whose advice you buy,
but be patient
with those who supply it.
Advice is a form
of nostalgia.
Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past
from the disposal,
wiping it off,
painting over the ugly parts...
and recycling it
for more than it's worth.
But trust me
on the sunscreen.