Big Momma's House 2 (2006) Movie Script
Hello?
That leak we had has been fixed.
So now that we've dealt with the situation,
we can keep moving forward, right?
Yes, of course.
I thought so.
What was that about?
Nothing.
Go back to sleep.
You gotta get out there.
They're starting to get fidgety.
What were you so nervous about? I mean,
you set this up, right? You vouched for us?
Yes, but you don't
know them the way I do.
If they think for one second you're
not legit, they will turn on you.
And God help you if that happens.
That's it. We can't risk
it. I'm pulling the plug.
No, no.
I've never turned down an assignment,
and I'm not gonna start now.
Just tell me one thing.
Have they had their snack?
No, just juice boxes.
You gotta be kiddin me.
All right. Okay.
And now lets give a great big Gold
Coast Elementary School welcome to, uh...
Goldie the Safety Eagle!
I say, there's an eagle in the house.
I say, there's an eagle-
Pa-cow,
pa-cow.
So what brings us here
today, O great Safety Eagle?
Yeah, well, I'm, uh, here to
recruit some junior investigators.
Me!
Ah, now, I'm not talking about
investigating your parents.
Although, if your daddy got no job...
...and wearing a $20,000
Rolex, give us a call.
Hey, Trent. Watching television sure is fun...
That guy in the chicken suit?
Isn't that your step dad?
...make sure the cord
is not torn or frayed.
If the Safety Eagle
were to plug that in...
...he would get a nasty shock.
Plug it in! Plug it in!
Damn demon kids.
Space heaters keep us
warm in the winter...
...but they, too, can
be very dangerous if-
What-
Oh!
Oh. Oh. Whoo!
Oh!
Couldn't you have at least
taken off that chicken suit?
First of all, its an eagle suit.
And unfortunately, I had no
choice. The zipper melted.
- What's wrong with you anyway?
- Ryan and the guys saw you.
- So?
- So its embarrassing.
Ryan's dad sells shrimp
out the trunk of his car.
He's the one that should be embarrassed.
- Well, at least he doesn't have to do it dressed like a chicken.
- Eagle.
I'm an eagle.
An eagles a majestic
bird. It deserves respect.
So those stories you used to tell me- The
things you did, all those guys you put in jail-
- You gave it up for this?
- No.
I gave it up for her.
Hi, honey. Hi, baby!
What happened to my little birdie?
Eagle too proud to talk about it.
Well, come on inside
and let me take a look.
- Hey, baby.
- Hi, honey.
- What's up?
- Oh, I almost forgot.
The broker called today and
upped the offer on the Porsche.
Malcolm, with what he's offering...
...we can remodel the garage into a playroom
and still have enough left over for a minivan.
Whoa. Uh, now, a playrooms one thing.
But I am not drivin no minivan.
- Well, where are we gonna put a baby in that Porsche?
- It's got a trunk.
Malcolm, all the talks we
had about having the baby...
...and how it was gonna change things?
You promised me you were up for this.
Yeah, baby, but to be fair...
...you were naked when most
of those promises were made.
Look, I'm just kiddin'... Okay?
She wants a minivan.
Me driving a minivan? I
ain't gonna be able to do it.
Next thing you know, I'll be asking
if I look fat in these jeans.
This is my stuff?
Kick me out of my office?
Hell, no. Crawford.
It was my call. Field agents
have priority over P.R.
- You gotta be kidding me, Crawford.
- Malcolm. Malcolm!
Last night Doug Hudson
was killed in the line.
Yeah.
- I want in.
- I'm sure you do, but you're not a field agent anymore.
Reinstate me. You know
what the man meant to me.
He was my first partner. Hudson taught
me everything I know about this job.
I know that. You think
I don't know that?
But the Orange County
office has jurisdiction.
They already have
their best people on it.
You know full well the
best people for this is me.
Not anymore. The fact is,
we don't need you, Malcolm.
Look.
You're gonna have a baby. You
wanted a desk: we gave you one.
Now, I know P.R.
isn't exactly what you-
Did you really set
yourself on fire yesterday?
Well, actually, it was
more of a controlled burn.
The flames weren't that big.
Uh-huh.
Go home. Be with your wife.
Get your head on straight.
I don't wanna see you anywhere
near this. And that's an order.
- I find you sniffing
around, so... I heard you.
Lets get started, people.
Hey, Erskine, Crawford
wants you in there.
- Really?
- Yeah, really.
The United States government
operates the most sophisticated...
...intelligence-gathering
operations in the world.
A few months ago, we
received anonymous intel...
...that someone was designing a worm-
...a backdoor hack into that system.
So, terrorists, North Korea-
...whoever gets their hands on this
will know everything we know?
N.S.A., C.I.A., D.O.D.
All their databases
will be an open book.
Military intelligence, launch codes.
They'll have access to
everything we've got.
Now, our chief suspect is Tom Fuller.
As you can see, he spent a stint
in the army, military intelligence.
He's now head of development of software at
a company called National Agenda Software.
Agent Doug Hudson was working
undercover on Fullers technical team.
I guess he got too close.
Now, we've I.D.'d the
10 most likely buyers...
...and we have em under full surveillance.
...into Fullers house as a nanny.
...and well give 'em all
the bodies they need.
- Now lets get to work.
- A nanny?
Honey, look what I picked out
for the baby today. Isn't he cute?
Wh-Why are you packing, Malcolm?
Um, well, I'm just packing because, uh-
Guess what?
- Huh?
Um, There's this
- This convention. A safety convention.
Seasoned professionals sharing
ideas. You know, a think tank.
A think tank? Really? Well, who's going?
- Uh, McGruff the
Crime Dog... - Uh-huh.
...uh, Smokey the Bear gonna be there.
- Wow.
- Baby, all the heavy hitters.
Now that I think about it,
like, they all comin out.
So McGruff the Crime Dog and Goldie
the Safety Eagle? Honey, this is great!
Well, its not like we sharing
a room or anything like that.
- I don't get down like that.
- No, baby, I didn't mean it like that.
I just
- I meant that I'm really proud of you.
And I know you're working really
hard to make this new job work.
And I know that you're
doing it for me...
And for Trent and for the baby.
And for all the babies to come.
Malcolm, I love you.
- All the babies to
come? - Yeah. Mm- Hmm.
- You wanna give me
a number? - Mm-hmm.
You understand you need
to get this job, right?
All right. Well, we didn't have
time to cover all the angles...
...but with this rsum, you
shouldn't have any trouble at all.
- Piece of cake.
- Okay, go.
Go get em.
She is an excellent
agent. Very professional.
Oh, Mrs. Gallagher, you're here.
- I'm sorry I was so late.
- Hi.
They're here. Can I
talk to you for a second?
I want you to know things are gonna
be different this time, I promise.
What? I don't know what you mean.
Look, I know that I am particular.
But I am gonna work on it.
I'm gonna be more flexible.
Probably not about
everything, but I think that...
...there is some wiggle room,
in some areas, probably.
Lets just jump right
into the interviews.
Great. Whatever you want.
I have three amazing candidates.
Ladies, Id like you to
meet Mrs. Leah Fuller.
Mrs. Fuller, this is-
Ooh, Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord.
Big Mommas in the house.
Ooh, hello.
Oh, I'm sorry I'm late...
...but there was an incident on the bus.
- Oh, my gosh. Are you okay?
- Well, lets just say there's one pervert...
...who wont playing the flute no time soon.
Huh? Ooh, give me a second, please.
Ooh, got my pressure all
up and my nerves goin. Ooh.
Who the hell is that?
Hey, uh, Constance, give me a close-up.
Ooh, hi. I'm Hattie Mae Pierce.
But you can call me Big Momma.
Everybody calls me Big Momma.
Miss... Big Momma?
Um, I'm not sure how you found out about
this job opening, but unfortunately-
- Well, has the position been filled?
- Uh, no.
Now, that's good equal opportunity.
You should know I got Al
Sharpton on speed dial. Mm- Hmm.
Need me to call? Wanna make a call? Hmm?
- Want a
rally? - Mm-mmm.
First, we have Petra.
- She studied art in Paris.
- Oh. Bonjour.
- Hmm.
- She speaks four languages, and recently worked...
...for one of Orange County's
most respected families.
Unfortunately, they divorced.
Oh, child, that divorce
wasn't your fault.
So what if men like to look
at you in your birthday suit?
Excuse me?
Well, the only way you get a tan
like that is by layin' out butt naked.
Butterball naked. Hmm?
Mrs. Fuller, I can assure you-
No, its all right that you wanna
be a nudist. Do your nudie thing.
All right? It's okay.
I'm sure Mrs. Fuller
is not intimidated...
...by a pair of perky Ds.
Hmm, Ds. Hmm? Hmm?
Oh.
Where you goin? Did I say somethin'?
Ooh. You don't need nobody like
that around your husband anyway.
Okay. Um, our next
candidate is Isabella.
Isabella spent the last few
years in the Peace Corps.
Wow. That explains it.
You-You chasing the dragon?
- What? - You firing
the 'aack- Ack' gun?
Child smoking the cheeba?
I got two words: roach clip.
So you don't burn your fingers.
- Can you see that? - I should-
I should probably really go.
Who is this woman?
Well, if anyone is beyond
reproach, its Constance.
Hello, Constance. It's
awfully nice to meet you.
Now, I assume you are
completely 'aack-ack' free?
Oh, yes, ma'am. Of course.
She has impeccable references.
She even studied child psychology.
Ooh, that's impressive. Ooh.
Well, children are my passion.
- Oh. Oh, really?
Well, would you say...
...that you're a follower of Bouch?
Or do you side more
with Kreiter's theory?
Um, Kreiter.
- Definitely Kreiter.
- Well, child, Kreiter's my butcher.
And he can cook the hell out of a ham hock,
but he don't know nothin' about children.
So what else are you lyin' about?
What?
Maybe you can forgive her lyin' ways...
...but I'm sure you don't
want a nanny who's packin'...
Packing?
Oh, tell me this is not happening.
Should we discuss compensation?
Oh, Big Momma, I am so glad you came by.
I mean, can you imagine if I had
hired one of those other ladies?
Oh, Big Momma, are you okay?
Oh. Oh, what a lovely stool.
And so comfortable.
Well, let me tell you a
little bit about the Fullers.
I own my own marketing business...
...and my husband, Tom, is in software.
- Oh, my God! Big Momma, are you okay?
- Ooh. Ooh.
Ooh. Excuse me.
Uh, maybe I'll just stand.
So your husbands out on a new
project? I can't wait to meet him.
Yeah, well.
- Uh, do you wanna know about the children?
- Well, that depends.
- Will they be around a lot?
- Well, they live here...
...so pretty much all the time.
Oh. Well...
...in that case, Big Momma loves taking care of the kids.
- Oh, good.
Unless, of course, you think they'd be
better off in a nice military academy.
No.
That's funny. I will warn you though...
...their schedules are pretty hectic...
...so I've come up with something
to help you keep it straight.
Damn. How many kids you got?
I know. I have to remind myself
sometimes that its only three.
But its not as bad as it looks,
once you get used to the system.
Okay, for example,
sports are white pegs...
...music are yellow, um...
...tutoring is blue, and
household chores are red.
Well, which peg says its time for
me to drink a 40 and watch Dr. Phil?
You're funny.
Um, my husband, Tom, seems to think that
I'm a little too obsessive about this...
...but, you know, the world is changing.
And I want my kids to be able to
take advantage of it in every way.
Oh, rats!
Oh, I'll handle it. Uh, all
I need is a hammer and a mop.
Oh, that's actually our dog, Poncho.
He hasn't really been himself lately.
We had this other dog named Carla.
She was Ponchos girlfriend.
And she was out playing with a ball,
and there was this, um, wood chipper.
- Wood chipper?
- Oh, he saw the whole thing.
- He blames himself.
It's a tragedy, really.
Anyway, lets go meet the children.
First, we have Andrew. He's three.
Oh, my goodness.
I know. He does that all day long.
And you would think that he would
get hurt, but he never seems to.
Boy, you are two kinds of crazy.
You cant be throwing
yourself around like that.
Oh, he doesn't speak, at all.
We've taken him to a bunch of
specialists. They insist nothing's wrong...
...that hell talk when he's ready.
So until then-
Well, I hope he's wearing a cup.
Boy just-
This is Carrie. She's
our little cheerleader.
Hey, Carrie, I wanna
introduce you to someone.
This is Big Momma. She's
gonna be our new nanny.
Hi. Mommy...
...can you please help me with my routine?
Why, babe? You're doing great.
Id get everything
pointy out of the room.
...is going through a bit of a phase.
Well, like this, for example.
She never used to lock her door.
- Well, I could bust it down if you want.
- Oh, no. That's all right.
A couple of months ago, she started hanging
out with this new group of friends...
...including this boy, Chad,
who, lets just say...
...would not be our favorite.
Damn.
- Molly now prefers a... A
free- Flow living environment.
Well, at some point,
this flow backed up.
This is Big Momma. She's gonna
be our new nanny. Big Momma...
- This used to be Molly.
- Molly, yes.
Did somethin die in here?
Yeah, probably. Listen,
Mom, I was studying.
- So if you guys could please
go... Anything to get rid of me.
Mom, you always do this. I swear to God
I was on my bed with my history book.
- I was studying.
- Okay, okay. I'm gonna go.
- Bye.
- Okay.
You weren't studyin'... And
you weren't on that bed.
- I totally was.
- No.
You were sitting at the computer.
And your history book is over there...
...by that nasty egg salad sandwich,
which explains the smell.
Watch it, girl. There's
a new sheriff in town.
Here we are.
Ooh!
This is my room? Oh, Big Momma done died
and gone to the Ritz- Carlton.
Oh, I am so glad you like it.
Okay, well, why don't
you just settle in...
- And well get started first thing in the morning?
- All right.
I'm so happy you're here, Big Momma. And
I know Mr. Fuller's gonna like you too.
- Oh, he's gonna love me.
- Let me know if you need anything.
Yes!
Time to go to work.
Copying files.
Hey, baby.
I got worried when you
didn't call. How's Phoenix?
Oh, Phoenix? The convention.
Well, what else did you think I was talking
about-Why are you whispering, Malcolm?
Oh, no, no. We just, uh...
...doing a lot of, you know,
safety chanting, baby.
You know, uh, 'Stop, drop
and roll. ' You know.
That McGruff is a freak.
Dog don't know when to quit.
Baby, this is kind of late.
Maybe you should get some sleep.
Oh, I know. I know, but I just
needed to hear your voice. I miss you.
Trent and I had dinner tonight, and I
must have eaten something too spicy...
- Because the baby's been kicking
like... Yeah, baby, I love you too.
Bye.
Ugh.
Oh. Where's everybody?
Oh.
Oh, climbing on the cabinets
is his latest accomplishment.
You okay, Andrew? Whoo.
Mr. Fuller, so nice to meet you.
I'm Hattie Mae Pierce, but
you can call me Big Momma.
It's great to meet you. My wife
has an early-morning meeting...
...and I am so late.
You leaving me alone with the kids?
Mr. Fuller! Mi-
Big Momma, I think Andrew
just ate a Brillo pad.
Andrew, no! Well, that's
one way to get your roughage.
- That means if we don't leave
right now, we're gonna be late.
Why don't your daddy take you to school?
Daddy says he has an important job
where important things happen...
...so he cant waste his
time with our nonsense.
Molly! We gotta go!
But, Big Momma, Mommy
didn't get me any breakfast.
Breakfast?
Okay, uh
- Oh. Oh.
Yeah. Yeah, there you go.
Oh.
All righty. Yes, indeedy.
Right. Like that there.
A hearty helping-All right?
Oh. Looks like somebody
got a note on the red peg.
Ooh, notes on red pegs
are really important.
You kiddin? This peg stuff is for real?
She wants me to do all this?
It is your job, Sheriff.
Girl, you got a mean streak in you...
...and God don't like ugly.
Now get in the car and
take your sister with you.
Sorry about that, Poncho!
You sure these aren't yours?
- How big do you think
I am? I'm just playin'...
But how in the hell did
these get under your bed?
I don't know. I don't know. But
Malcolm would never cheat on me.
Especially not with-
This is like four yards of lace.
Well, regardless, you cant just sit
back and hope nothin' is going on.
You gotta take action.
For a hundred dollars, I know
somebody that'll bug his phone.
No. No, absolutely not.
I would never bug Malcolm's phone.
- I completely trust my husband.
- Sherri, you are so naive.
You married an F.B.I. Agent.
I bet on your wedding night, he drugged you
and embedded a tracking device in your ass.
I don't have a tracking device.
Danielle, there's gotta be a perfectly
logical explanation for these.
A woman this big, wearing a thong?
That cant be comfortable.
Can it?
Ooh. Uh-oh. Ooh.
Big Momma got to be careful.
I lose control of this thong,
it could disappear for days.
Hi there. I'm Hattie Mae Pierce,
but you can call me Big Momma.
Everybody calls me Big Momma.
You wanna say hello, Andrew?
This here is Tom Fullers boy.
Fine. This is a secure facility, and I-
- Um- Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa. - Ooh. Uh-
Please, you don't know me like
that. You better ask somebody.
Let me set the baby down.
I don't wanna get him upset.
- Hold on.
- I'm, uh, gonna have to wand you.
Wand me? Well, wand on.
Find what you're lookin' for?
It-That-That's
under wire. Yeah.
Keepin' these fun bags off
the floor is a full-time job.
- You wanna see? I'll show you, yeah.
- No, ma'am.
- It's all right. You can take a little peeky peek.
- No, you can stop.
- No, ma'am. You can stop.
- But I'm not responsible for the damages.
- It might poke your eyes out. -
Please, stop it. Don't- Don't unbutton!
Eighteenth floor.
Ooh, thank you.
Ooh, all these guards and locked doors.
This must be what its like to get
in one of Oprah's private parties.
Yeah.
You know what, Ms. Pierce? Um, I'm afraid Mr.
Fuller has a meeting in the conference room...
...and I'm not allowed to disturb him.
- Okay, well, I'll
just wait in... Yeah.
Ooh. We got a gusher.
Oh, my goodness. Oh, this is the last
time I feed this boy pickled pigs feet.
You're going to change
his diaper right here?
Ah, yes, but don't worry.
I'll contain the seepage, okay?
I just hope your hard
drives are backed up.
Mr. Fuller has a bathroom in his office.
Okay, Andrew. That programs gotta
be hidin' up in here somewhere.
A remote, but no TV.
Open sesame.
We did an extensive check on Mr.
Fuller and didn't find anything.
Basically, we've got a small
army of agents working out there.
And because Agent Stone
blew a nanny interview...
...we got nothin:
Look, we gotta get
somebody on the inside.
Now, isn't there anybody close
to Fuller that we can turn?
No. We have tried everybody who has any
contact with anyone inside that house.
- We have exhausted the list.
- Wait a minute.
I know someone we haven't tried yet.
Because were coming up on our deadline,
and I need to know your status.
- Ooh, look. There's your daddy.
- I need to know if you're ready.
Look, I wouldn't have flown out here
if I wasn't ready. Now where's my money?
Don't worry about the
money. Where do we meet?
That's right. Give me somethin'...
Tonight, 7:00, West Hills Mall.
- Where?
- The surf shop, dude.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
- Someone in the building is logged on to our conference.
- You gotta be kidding me!
You guys are amateurs,
dude. I'm outta here.
- What happened?
- Someone was watching.
Wed better find out who that someone is.
Ooh, ooh. Comin through. 'Scuse me.
Comin through. Ooh.
I cleaned up in there
as much as possible.
Ooh. Mr. Fuller.
Andrew and I thought wed come
down and pay you a little visit.
Ain't that right, Andrew?
Hi, Son.
Ooh, well, were workin' on that
talkin' thing. Can you say Tupac?
Oh, hell get it. He'll get it.
Tom, is there a problem?
- No, this is, um...
Uh, Hattie Mae Pierce.
Hi. I take care of Tom Fullers babies.
Tom?
Ooh, look at the time. We gotta go.
Oh, yes, there we go.
Ooh, do me a favor, will
you? Hold that for me.
Thank you.
Get rid of that.
Did you have a good time today?
Huh?
Big Mommas tryin' to fix this.
F.B.I.
Sorry, ma'am. I'm gonna have to ask
you to step inside the van, please.
Don't push me. You don't
know me, monkey mouth.
I- I-I'll
kick you.
Look, I-I can explain.
Ms. Pierce, I am so sorry
for the inconvenience.
Can I get you anything?
Look, if this is about...
...those butt-ball naked
pictures of Billy Dee...
...you gotta understand, that's Billy.
I just checked my e-mail. There he was.
I go, 'Ooh! Oooh!'
And all I could say to myself was, 'll
got Billy! I got Billy! I got Billy!'
No. No, I, uh-
I can assure you-
Ms. Pierce, the F.B.I. is
investigating Tom Fuller.
Mr. Fuller? Have mercy.
Yes. And since you seem to have
such close access to the family...
...the fact is, we could
really use your help.
Well, what could Big Momma possibly-
I get it. You want me to take him out.
- No. No. -
Yeah. Uh- Uh?
- No. We just want you to keep an eye on him.
- Ah?
You know, have you seen or heard
anything out of the ordinary?
Uh, wait.
He seems to be getting outside help
on that big project he's working on.
But what's really important is...
...we need to find out
who he's working with.
Now, ma'am, do you think you
could find out that information?
Well, um.
Well, my m. O. would be
to stay close to the perps.
That way, I wont
compromise the assets...
...and I'll wait for the
intel to fall in my hands.
- Excuse me?
- Well, I mean...
...you watch enough Kojak,
you pick up a few things.
Don't worry. Big Momma
got that. I got it.
Good Lord, help em all.
Now, I know you got
somethin to say to that.
Nothin?
Well, well work on it.
- I think we should show em the sprinkler.
- Let's swing.
All right, from the top. Ready? Five, six...
Hey, you've reached
Malcolm, Sherri and Trent.
We cant take your call, but leave a
message, and we'll get back with you.
Hey, Sherri. It's me, baby.
You know, just thinkin about you-
Wanna give you a call from, uh
- From Phoenix.
Ow!
Okay, loser.
Wait
- Carrie! I gotta go, baby.
Oh.
...give you a call from, uh
- From Phoenix.
Wait. Carrie!
- Carrie?
- I gotta go, baby.
Carrie?
You
- You know, those girls got no room to talk.
- That ain't dancin'... -
And chass. And pump. And-
That's getting Tasered by the police.
Big Momma, I don't care about that.
I just
- I wanna be good, you know?
If I was good, then my
dad would come watch me...
...cause then it wouldn't be
nonsense and a waste of his time.
Child, you could dance like
all those skinny girls on MTV.
That wouldn't make your daddy stay home.
Now, he loves you. He just has
a helluva fine way of showin' it.
Now, you can do this little
cheerleading dance thing. I know you can.
But you need to do it for
yourself, not anybody else.
Stand up. Let me show you somethin.
Watch Big Momma. See?
Rock with it, baby. Rock with it.
Just feel it.
All try? All right.
Ready, now. To the right.
You gotta go right, baby. There you go.
No, no, not your leg. Bring your hip.
Bring your hip and
then you dip. Hip, dip.
Hip, dip. There you go,
Carrie! That's it, Carrie!
There go
- Now rock with it. Rock with it, Carrie.
Rock with it. Now dip, baby. Whoo!
Dip, dip, dip, baby.
- Whoo
- Hoo! There you go, Carrie.
- There you go, Carrie. Ooh.
- Okay, guys.
Um, girls, keep working. You look
great. Well be right back. Keep going.
- Ooh. Ooh.
- Um, excuse me?
- Can I help you?
- You can dance.
- So?
- We suck.
- Aw, come on. Were not that bad.
- Lisa, are you kidding?
We are flailing around like
a couple of stroke victims.
Okay, so maybe we could use a
little help with the dancing part...
...but I've got the stunts covered.
I was a gymnast.
Look, we really need your help.
We've got this competition coming up.
You want the girls to go
up on stage doing... That?
Ooh.
Well, as scary as that
is, I'm gonna have to pass.
- But, Big Momma.
- Don't you Big Momma me.
Now, I didn't cry during
Waiting to Exhale...
...and I'm certainly not gonna
fall for your puppy-dog eyes.
Now, this day is gettin' away
from me. We got to go, Carrie.
What do you say we practice at
your house tomorrow morning, Carrie?
- Good idea.
- Mmm.
Carrie?
He doesn't even know any-
F.B.I., Los Angeles.
Tassie?
- Sherri?
- Hey, girl. How you feeling?
- Oh, large.
Then I bet it feels good havin'
Malcolm home takin' care of you.
Putting in for two weeks off
to wait on you hand and foot?
I hope you know what
kind of man you got there.
I'm starting to get the picture.
Take your little brother in
there for me. I'll be right there.
What the hell you doing
sneaking around in bushes?
You cant take-
Chad? 19?
This girl up in here is 15.
Boy, you must be stuck on
stupid. This stops today.
- Oh, hey, Big Momma. I'm
just gonna check the mail.
That package you ordered
has just been sent back.
What? Oh, no. You've
gotta be kidding me.
Molly, boys that age
only want one thing...
...and it ain't meaningful conversation.
I don't have to listen to you.
Don't get snatched up. Now get
upstairs and finish your homework.
I got Mace.
What is going on? Did you
just threaten my daughter?
- Oh, that's no
threat. I do carry Mace.
Hey. Big Momma, I think we need to talk.
Good, Id love to. How
about 9:00 in the morning?
- That's when I watch Regis.
- I don't think that it can wait.
If you had checked the peg
board, you would've seen...
...that Carrie had a violin
lesson and Andrew had tutoring.
Tutoring? The boys only two years old.
I want my children to be able to
seize every opportunity that they can.
And they might want to go
to Harvard. And if they do...
I want to make sure that
that is a possibility.
Andrew is jumpin' off the
cabinets, eatin' Brillo pads.
He's not goin' to Harvard. You can
get that out your head right now.
And besides, if you had noticed, there
was quite a bit of housework for you to do.
Yeah, I
- I been meanin' to talk to you about that.
Those red pegs, you might
wanna go easy on em, all right?
Now, if you'll excuse me,
Big Momma has an appointment.
- Well, what about dinner?
- I already ate, but thank you.
Uh, okay, this is Agent Keneally.
Please advise. I just made
B.M. in the back of a cab.
Uh, you did what in the back of the cab?
Big Momma! I just made B
- I saw Big Momma in the back of a cab.
And now I'm going to get V.D.
Visual data. I'm going
- Never mind.
This is where I need you to
carry me and make it snappy.
Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am.
If you favor those eyes, I
suggest you keep em on the road.
Yes, ma'am.
- On the road.
- Yes, ma'am. Yeah.
Hello, Bob.
Sherri. You-You shouldn't
even be back here.
- Where is he?
- How could I possibly know?
Oh, come on, Bob. He's got a locator. Every
agent has one implanted in their phone.
That is a silly, outrageous-
- How did you know that?
- Bob...
I am eight-and-a-half-months
pregnant.
My feet are swollen, and
my back is killing me.
I have peed 52 times today, and you don't even
wanna know what's going on with my nipples.
- Can I at least guess?
- Bob, if you don't tell me where he is...
- Right
now... Okay.
Agent location, West Hills Mall.
- Agent location, West Hills Mall.
- Thanks, Bob.
- What's, um-What's a good place to go
surfing around here? - Oh, Huntington Beach.
- Really?
- Beautiful.
It's so gorgeous. Hey.
I'm sorry. I gotta go.
I've been walking around
for an hour looking for you.
I was busy, if you hadn't noticed.
Very, very specific encrypted notation.
I'm not concerned about encryption.
Ooh.
Wife?
Been there.
Ooh.
Ooh!
Sherri? Baby-
- Where is she?
- Who?
Who's Carrie, Malcolm? No.
- Where is the Carrie girl?
- Baby, you got that all-
- No... Which one
of you is Carrie?
Baby.
Baby. Sherri.
- Is your name Carrie?
- No, baby. That's not no Carrie.
- You got it all wrong.
- Malcolm Turner, F.B.I.?
F.B.I.?
You're on a case. Malcolm, you promised.
Wanna explain these?
And you drag my Big Momma into this?
- I didn't drag no Big Momma into this.
- No, no. Just her breasts.
I don't think nobody's talkin' to you.
- Sherri. Come... Let her go. Now
we got something to talk about.
- I got Bishop.
- Where is he?
Right over-
He's right over-
- Wait-Where-
- Lets go.
Lets go. Knock it off.
- Aw.
- Um, Malcolm, what are these made off? Like a buckwheat husk?
This is him, right?
- Yeah.
He's a hacker. Goes
by the name of Bishop.
He's about as good as they get. There's
no question he could've pulled this off.
Are you sure you can
find this guy Bishop?
Cause right now he's our only lead.
Well, he was checkin' out board
shops. He's a surfer, all right.
There's no way he'd come to
Cali and not check out the waves.
I'm gonna find him. I'm
telling you. I'm gonna find him.
- Agent Keneally stays with you the whole time.
- Aw.
- He's your new partner.
- You've got to be kiddin'...
And, Turner, you blow your
cover and this worm gets out...
...you'll not only lose your job
- You're goin' to jail.
Oh, and do not blow
your cover as Big Momma.
- Ooh.
- Big Momma?
Mrs. Fuller, can we do
this some other time?
No, we cant.
I came home tonight, and
you were nowhere to be found.
The kids had not done their homework. I looked
around. There were dirty dishes everywhere.
And then I found this.
You threw our laundry in the garbage.
Big Momma, you don't wanna
cook, you don't wanna clean...
...and you obviously don't respect what
I'm trying to do with my children.
You mean keep em so busy that they don't realize
that you and your husband are never around?
Ooh. I didn't mean to say that.
I want you out of the house
first thing in the morning.
Mrs. Fuller?
But Mrs. Fuller?
Hey, baby. Just wanted
to leave you a message...
...tell you I'm sorry I lied...
...and I love you.
I hope you still want to hear that.
Oh. This feels good.
Huh?
Oh, Ponch, that's no
way for a dog to act.
I got somethin for you.
This'll help you get
over the wood chipper.
All right? Here's a
little sippy-sip for you.
Yeah. I'd have a drink with you...
...but I gotta go to work.
Yeah. Go on and get
your tilt on, all right?
- I know that you're busy.
- Yeah.
All I'm saying is I could
use a little bit of help.
If you could use a little bit
of help, why did you fire her?
Because I had to. I'm gonna call Mrs.
Gallagher first thing and get a new nanny.
Wow.
The muffins are fat-free,
the eggs are free-range...
...and the bacon is extra crispy.
- This is fantastic.
- Yeah, it looks like something out of a magazine.
I just couldn't leave y'all with a
bad taste in your mouth about Big Momma.
But if there's nothin' else...
I guess-
I guess I'll be movin' on.
Look, Big Momma even made Poncho happy!
Lord, that dogs higher
than a Georgia pine.
I gotta run. Great spread, Big Momma.
Oh, Mr. Fuller. Oh,
bye. I'll see you around.
You're a good man, Mr.
Fuller. You're a good man!
- Thank you. Thanks, Big Momma. Thank you. Thanks.
- Bye.
It's so hard to say good-bye.
Who is that at the door this early?
Mom, don't you remember? Allison
and Emily's mom had to go to work.
Oh, my gosh. Are all those
girls coming here today?
Look at em.
I was at their last practice.
I could stay and help.
It's no trouble.
Okay, we gotta work this
out. I need a volunteer.
Mrs. Fuller.
- Yes?
- You can be my volunteer.
Oh, gosh, Big Momma, there are
- There are things that I'm doing today.
Well, this'll only take a second.
Little ladies, where do you
think real dancing begins?
Your heart?
Well, good answer. But you
don't dance with your heart.
You dance with your butt!
Now, lets try this again.
What do we want, Mrs. Fuller?
Uh, more butt?
That's right. Try it with me.
Sway with your butt.
Groove with the butt.
Now, become one with the butt.
Don't be afraid to touch it
and become one with it! Yes!
All right! Whoo! Got butt movement
all back there. I like that.
All right. There you go, little ladies.
Now, lets put some music on, all right?
Ooh! Ooh!
That's my jam! Ooh!
There you go with it. I
like that. Groovin' with it.
Do your thing. That's right.
Do your thing, Mrs. Fuller!
Yes! Come on, Mrs. Fuller.
Whoo! Yes, indeedy! Just like that.
That's puttin' stank on
it. That's all that is.
Ooh. Ooh. Y'all wrap it up.
Wrap it up.
Ohh.
Oh, Big Momma, these girls
are having such a good time.
Look at Carrie. She's always so
quiet. She can't stop laughing.
Well, I always say, laughter is
Gods hand on a troubled world.
You know, Big Momma, I was hoping
that we could mend our fences.
I just wanted to say that
I'm very sorry. I was wrong.
And I was hoping you would
please consider staying here.
Well, of course I will.
Yes. Sure enough. Id love that.
Big Momma, the girls and I
want to go over the dance again.
Ooh, give me a second, all right?
Big Momma got to catch her breath.
Okay.
Oh, hey, when were done with this...
I have the perfect place to take you.
A spa! Look at this!
Victoria's Secret models. They shoot the
catalog in a studio right down the street.
They'll usually parade around naked.
If you think about it too much,
it can get a little depressing.
Some people just ruin it for everybody.
What time does the paradin' begin?
...and you can just take off all
your clothes and put this on.
I think you'll be very comfortable.
And then you just put
your things in this locker.
There's nothing else in
there but your things.
There's my friend Crystal. Excuse
me one second. Hey, Crystal.
- Hey.
- Hello. Hi.
Tryin' to find my locker.
Ooh. Around here somewhere.
Ooh. Oh. Ooh.
Excuse me. Could you give me
a hand, please, with my bra?
I just got my nails done, and I cant-
Here. It unhooks in
the front right here.
Here. Will this help?
Ooh! Ooh!
Ooh! This is lovely!
A room full of beautiful
women in towels and mud.
Hey, everybody, this is Big Momma.
- Hi.
- Oh, hello.
Ooh, don't let me disturb you. Y'all
just keep walkin' around naked...
...and massagin' each other
in exotic oils or whatever.
Oh, a snack.
- No, no, no, no.
- No, Big Momma. Those are for your eyes.
They're covered in eucalyptus sap.
Got it.
Oh. Hey, listen, I was
wondering. How about a massage?
Ahhh. I would like you to
work on my lower back here...
...because sometimes I-
Oh, my damn! No, I wanted
the girl with the perky-
The one with the perky
- You ain't got to push me.
Ooh! Oh! Yes!
I need you to get all in
the crevices, all right?
Work that lower back like
I was telling you. Ooh!
You know, while we've got her here,
we should get Big Momma's advice.
That is a great idea.
Big Momma, you were married for a
really long time. What was your secret?
Y'all want my advice?
Well, all right. Um-
My advice to you lovely ladies...
...on keepin' a long-lasting,
happy marriage...
...is to give it up.
That's right. Give it up
morning, noon and night.
- And twice on Saturday.
- What?
I did. Shoot, before he went to work...
...in a parkin' lot down
at the Dairy Queen...
...ooh, and one time I rocked
his world at a Popeye's.
Had him droolin' on the biscuits.
Oh, yeah. We got us a bangy-bang on.
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.
Ooh.
Ooh, that's hot. Oh,
that's hot, hot, hot.
Oh, no, that's damn hot. Hot!
Oh, that's way too hot.
Back burnin'! Back burnin'!
Ah! Oh, Lord! Back
burnin! Comin' through!
No! No! No! No!
Hmm.
Thank you, Mrs. Fuller.
- I had a good time,
except for those hot rocks.
Now, Big Momma got some
errands to run. I'll be back.
Oh, gosh, Big Momma. I've gotta go to the
office, and the carpet cleaners are coming.
I was hoping you could get the kids
out of the house for a few hours.
But I got things I got-
Who wants to go to the beach?
Mom'll never believe this.
Damn, man! Put on some drawers!
This is a family beach,
not Chippendales!
What's wrong with you?
Eagle One, this is Hungry Like the Wolf.
- Come in, Eagle One.
- Kevin? Kevin!
Yes? Yes, what?
Cop-Copy. Copy, Eagle One.
Man, stop with the damn code
names. He ain't out here.
Affirmative. Stopping with
the code names, Eagle One.
Ooh, hi, babies!
Ooh, the waters so warm.
Big Momma, if you're done with your
walk, Andrew's eating sand again.
You got something you
wanna say to Big Momma?
Come on. Talk for me.
Can you say 'ocean'?
Why don't you take him down
and get his feet wet, all right?
Shoo, go play. Have a good time.
Enjoy the beach. Get sand
all in between your toes.
Everything. I don't care. Ooh!
Let me cop a squat here.
Ooh!
Ooh! I feel sexy.
I don't want to be here.
Really? But you look so comfortable.
Yeah, well, this is who I am,
okay? So just get used to it.
Ooh. Well, it might be. It
might be exactly who you are.
Or maybe its just something
you're tryin' to be...
...to impress some boy you got
no business tryin to impress.
Yeah, well, Chad loves me
just like this, so whatever.
Child, you're only 15 years old.
Truth be told, you cant spell love.
Now, that Chad boy
- He's playin' you.
What? Pla
- No. You don't know anything about him.
Oh, really? Well, lets see.
You probably met him out
with a group of friends.
He never said anything to you.
He just stood in the back,
lookin all mysterious.
And he likes to call
you late at night...
...because he says you're the
last voice he wants to hear.
How did you know that?
Child, the players change,
but the game remains the same.
And one day you're gonna wake up,
and you're gonna realize, Molly...
...that Big Momma got your back.
Now, look, if you need me...
I don't care when it is, day or
night, you just call me, okay?
And I'll come runnin'
quick, fast and in a hurry.
Malcolm! Malcolm! Malcolm, I got him!
I got him! I got him!
Malcolm, Malcolm, I got him!
Molly, why don't you take your brother
and sister down to the concession stand...
...and get em some ice cream?
Big Momma go to stretch
one more again, okay?
Uh-
Freeze! F.B.I.! Hold
it right there! Hold it!
Come here! Don't make me run after you!
I don't like chasin' people!
Give me that!
Move! Get out the way! Move! Move!
Lord have mercy! Police
business! Get out the way!
Ohhh!
Oh! No!
Oh!
Hold it!
Stop!
Right there! Hold it right there!
Freeze! F.B.I.! All
right, Anthony Bishop...
I got a warrant for your arrest.
F.B.I.? What's with the, you know?
You're the one bein' chased. You don't get
to ask questions. Now, get off the railing.
You don't know these guys. I roll
over on them, they'll kill me.
- Don't worry. I can help you.
- No, you can't!
Yes, I can. Now, don't make me come up-
Listen, we did a full search- Bishop's hotel room,
everything. There was no disk.
Damn.
We assume Bishop already
delivered his disk...
...which means the programs have merged, and
the worm is operational, ready for delivery.
- We gotta get into Fullers office computer.
- I got in once. I'll do it again.
The problem is, even if we did that, were
talking multiple levels of encryption.
- We cant hack that.
- Way ahead of you. I'm bringin' in an outside consultant.
He can give you the password. You
can use that to break into the system.
My office will give you an address.
Oh, this here is a good read.
It got a chapter in here
that will blow your mind.
You're losing it.
Andrew, don't you even think ab-
Harvard, here we come.
Trent, I'm home!
So, uh, his name is Stewart Nybo.
Computer Crimes Division nailed
him hacking into a D.O.D. System...
...and then they cut him a
deal to come work for us.
Mr. Nybo, were pretty
anxious to get started.
- Well brief you
on the... Stewart!
- Yo.
- Stewart?
Are you kidding? If I were that
little nerd, Id kill myself.
- That's Stewart.
- Are we gonna be gone long?
Because if so, I'll need
to bring my retainer.
Wait a minute. You're Stewart?
Duh.
- Uh, this has gotta be some kind of mistake.
- Yeah, right.
The mistake was thinking that two morons
like you can do the job in the first place.
I'll be waiting in the car. And
if you get lost on the way...
...its the big metal
thing with four wheels.
Did you bring the car seat?
Uh, so, Malcolm, with this earpiece...
...we will hear everything that you hear.
So you just get Fuller to talk, well
feed everything into the computer...
...and then hopefully well
come up with the password.
Most people are idiots
and choose sappy passwords.
You know, family crap- Hometowns,
college stories, old girlfriends, old guy stuff.
Eh. I'll never get them to open up
in the house. Too many distractions.
Okay. Okay. Well, then,
you get em out of the house.
You get them off their game...
...and then you take them to a place
where Big Momma would be in control.
Hi.
B-2.
B-2.
Bingo! Bingo! Bingo!
Carrie, baby.
No, you don't yell out
'bingo' if you don't have it.
Bingo people get a little testy.
She's just a child, and
it won't happen again.
Damn right it wont happen again!
Come on, baby.
- Get it.
- What do you mean, get it?
She needs a flea rinse. Turbo dry.
Oh, and can you shave her pads for me?
Were supposed to be
dog groomers, you idiot.
Yes. Yes. She's in excellent hands, sir.
You have a great day. Bye-bye now.
Um...
...okay, okay.
You've gotta be kidding me.
Come here. Okay, clip the
nails. Flush the ears. Bye- Bye.
B-14.
B-1-4. - Ooh.
Ask him where he was born, Malcolm.
Oh, so, Mr. Fuller, where
did you say you were from?
- Shhh!
- G-55.
- Long Island.
- Long Island, New York.
Birthplace of Mariah Carey.
Long Island. Try Long Island.
Nothing.
Oh! Oh, Malcolm, he went to
Princeton. Get him to talk about that.
So I hear you was a Princeton Tiger.
What activities were you in?
- Shhh! Do you
mind? - B-9.
All these people up in here
screamin', and you're gonna shush me?
I should stomp a mud hole
in your little bald head.
'Hattie Mae Pierce! But
you can call me Big Momma.
Everybody calls me Big Momma. '
- N-42. - Big Momma, do
you even know this lady?
- No.
- Oh, you know me, Hattie Mae.
- You know
me. - Uh-oh.
She knows you. I mean,
she knows Big Momma.
Uh, sure.
As in, uh, old friend?
A uncle? Aunt?
I swore on the lives
of my grandbabies...
...that if I ever saw you again,
I would beat you like a drum.
- N
- 40.
- How does she know Big Momma?
- Malcolm, do not let her blow your cover. Do you hear me?
I repeat
- Do not let her blow your cover.
Now, do you want that beatin'
here or out in the street?
It don't make me no never mind. Come on.
Maybe you should go
have a few more drinks.
You got somethin that belongs to
me, Hattie Mae, and I want it back.
- What does she want back?
- I have no idea.
You stole my man.
- Your man?
- That's right. My man.
- She stole her man.
- Big Momma stole your man?
Is that true, Big Momma?
Uh, maybe. Um, but I
know I gave him back.
I clare, I never knew what
Ben Rawley saw in you anyway.
You cant help it if you're ugly...
...but that don't mean you gotta go out.
And besides, you look like you
packed on a few pounds over the years.
- You watch your mouth when you talkin to me!
- Ladies, ladies.
- You don't know me!
- Please! Would you take your seat over there, please?
Malcolm, Malcolm, listen to
me. You are not Big Momma, okay?
You are a highly trained field operative, and you
do not throw down with a 65- Year-old woman!
- That would be cool to watch.
- You know what? My momma raised a lady.
Oh, no, she didn't. She raised a heifer!
- Now,
wa... Oh!
- Damn!
- Ow!
- Oh!
- Oh!
Oh, no. I'm goin' down.
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, man.
Big Momma. Big Momma.
Ohhh, he said 'Big Momma. '
His first words, and
he said 'Big Momma. '
Hey, the kid talked! Excellent!
- I am so proud of you.
- Stake out.
- What did you say?
- Stake out.
- What?
- Investigate.
- This is really not good.
- Turner.
Oh, my God. This is not good.
- F.B.-
- Oh!
We don't want him to use up
all his words on the first day.
Wait, Big Momma. I wanna hear what
he has to say. What did you say?
Bingo!
Bingo!
Yes! Yes! Were back in.
Were back in.
- Oh.
- Wow. Great.
- Uh
- Yeah?
Yeah, I'll be right down.
What? Tom, no. Your son
just spoke his first words.
- Tell your boss you cant come in.
- I don't have a choice.
Well, fine. Were gonna stay
here and keep playing though.
- Suit yourself.
- Malcolm, we still don't have the password.
You've gotta get it,
and you gotta get it now.
Mr. Fuller, wait. Can you
carry me to prayer meetin'?
It's at that church right by your office.
Church by my office? Are you sure?
I think I know my own church!
No, no, no. Hey, we
gotta follow in the van.
- What are we gonna do about all these dogs?
- Well bring 'em back in an hour.
Just tie em down or
something, and let's go.
- Oh, God.
- Oh! Ew!
Who was that? Was that?
Mona? Mona, was that you?
Oooh.
- That's a nice family you got back there.
- Yeah.
The reason I point it out- Because I'm not
sure you're around enough to notice.
Okay, I deserve that.
My dad worked all the time
too. Hardly ever saw the man.
I swore that I was gonna be different,
but, uh, its easier than I thought.
- What?
- Working.
I'm good at what I do. Real good.
I know all the answers.
Well, at least I used to.
- Used to? - You think you
have all the bases covered-
...that you're invulnerable.
Then one day someone comes
along who knows where to lean.
Are you sure this is your church?
I know my own-
Of course it is. I'm half Jewish.
You got a problem with
that? You anti- Semitic-
Hey, hey, hey. No, no. Of
course not. Everything's cool.
That's some nice bling you got on there.
Oh, its a class ring. Oklahoma.
But I thought you said
you went to Princeton.
It was my fathers. For all that
work, this is all that's left.
- Well, thanks for the ride.
- Yeah.
All right. Bye-bye.
- L chaim.
- Shalom.
L chaim.
Uh, yeah.
- Where you at? - Thank God.
Thank God you're alive. Where-
- I got it. Sooners.
- What?
His dad, his ring. Just
tell Stewart to try it.
Try 'Sooners. '
S- O- O-N-E-R- S.
I'm in!
- Oh, no.
- 'Oh, no'?
The password got us in the door,
and then the walls came down.
It's like a booby trap. We're stuck.
- How about the satellite?
- That'll work.
Call Morales. Tell her well need tech
support and a full tactical package.
- Pick me up on the way.
- Where you at?
I'm at temple.
Oh, temple. Well, Shabbat shalom.
Lets go.
- What's happening?
- We've got access to all Agenda security camera feeds.
- Were in.
- Okay. Where's Fuller?
He and Casal are still in Fullers office.
We're hooked into the surveillance cameras.
- So if he moves, well know about it.
- Good.
Hey, Stewart! I thought you were some kind
of genius. How long is this gonna take?
What do you think I'm tryin'
to do here? Get free HBO?
This stuff s hard. Give me some room.
- Hello?
- Big Momma, is that you?
Oh, course it is. Where are you?
Listen. I'm at this
club called The Zone.
And I'm really scared right now.
Can you please come and help me?
- Molly?
- What's wrong?
- She's in some kind of trouble.
- What? Who?
- Wait. What are you doing?
- I gotta go.
- What the hell are you talkin about?
- Look.
I promised that child that
I would be there for her.
You're not going anywhere,
and that's an order!
Well, that's an order I can't follow.
Turner! Turner, you are on thin ice!
We are in the middle
of this investigation!
What do you care about
some bratty teenager anyway?
Don't nobody mess with
Big Momma's babies. Nobody!
Excuse me. Pardon me.
Um, excuse me. Pardon me.
Excuse me. Thank you. Pardon me. Molly?
Excuse me, darlin', but
that's my leg you're humpin'...
Ooh, young people just so nasty today!
You wanna back up off this girl...
...fore I knock the taste out your mouth.
Molly, what are you doin here anyway?
This is not the way you were raised.
I know. I know. But I got
a text message from Chad.
- Chad? Oh, Lord! - He
said to meet him here-
You know what? You and Chad are
gonna run my blood pressure up.
- Molly!
- Hey, where have you been? I got really scared.
Molly, I came here as soon as you called.
I swear I didn't send you a message.
I mean, I've never even
heard of this place.
- What?
- Wait a minute.
If you didn't send the
message, then who did?
Oh, wow. That's
- That guy works for my dad.
What's he doing here?
Molly, he's after you.
- Chad, I need you to run and get some help.
- All right.
Molly, I gotta get you out of here as fast
as possible. Come on, Molly. Excuse me.
Comin through.
Oh, God!
Is this what you do? Beat up
on children and old ladies?
Mmm. Go.
I don't understand. What's
happening? What did I do?
Look, I'll explain everything to you later.
But for right now, watch out. I'm rollin'!
No! Ugh!
- I cant feel my legs.
- Oh, sorry. Oh!
Oh, no! Oh!
Ooh!
Oh, God, this is not
how I imagined my death.
- Oh! Oh!
- Oh, God!
So get this. He's not really 19.
- Hmm?
- Chad.
It's a fake I.D. He told me last night.
He said he didn't want
any more lies between us.
Like his earring? Fake.
The three months he said he spent
in juvie, he was at math camp.
I guess people aren't always what
- what you think they are.
- Yeah, like you.
- Me?
Yeah. I didn't think you'd turn
out to be such a good friend.
Oh.
They're gone. Now I need your help.
Um, I got a
- I got a blade in my girdle.
Wait. Okay, you carry a gun?
And you keep a blade in your
girdle? What's that about?
Um, to protect my virtue.
Does it really need
that much protecting?
Would you just get over here? Come on.
Ah, that would be our
buyer. Right on time.
Since you never really bought into our
little project, precautions had to be taken.
- What do you mean?
- We have your daughter, Molly.
Bastard!
Call the F.B.I. Ask for a woman
by the name of Morales, okay?
And stay on the line so
they can trace the call. Go.
Very nice.
But, uh, were not through, are we?
No, were not.
I'm afraid his contract had
a 'no loose ends' clause.
No. No, no, no. Please listen.
Please. Look, I promise I wont say
anything. I swear. I won't say anything.
What is that?
Is that your nanny?
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- How did you learn to do that?
- I took a class at the Y.M.C.A.
Look, lets go. Come on.
That must be some 'Y'.
Sorry. Sorry.
That was,
uh- I mean-
- You just need to stay out of sight.
- Yeah.
- Stay out of sight!
- I will. Yeah. Yeah.
Wow. She's like the best nanny ever.
Oh, my God.
I knew that thong would come in handy.
Whoa!
Big Momma? Big Momma, you okay?
Tom, no loose ends.
Lets go. Secure the area!
- Big Momma? Big Momma?
- Go to the left. Up! Up!
Stand back. Stand back.
I'm going to have to
perform... Mouth-to-mouth.
The hell you are! What, are you crazy?
Whoa. Whoa! Oh!
Okay, this explains so much.
I believe this was meant for you.
- So you're,
uh... F.B.I.
Before you guys get too
comfortable over here, cuff him.
Whoa, whoa. Um, they
forced him to do it.
They told him if he didn't
do it, they'd kill his family.
So, in your report-
I'll say he was an unwilling
participant to the whole thing.
So no charges should be filed.
No charges?
Okay. I guess I owe you that much.
- All right.
- Good job, Turner.
Thank you.
She said good job.
Um, thank you. Thank you
for standing up for me.
What makes you think
- Look.
I didn't do it for you, okay?
I did it so your kids wouldn't
spend the next 20 years...
- Talking to you through a prison phone.
- I know.
I know I've got a lot of ground to
make up with them, and I swear I will.
Good.
So, looks like were gonna have
to find ourselves a new nanny.
Not quite yet.
I got one more promise to keep.
Dad!
Well! Well, I hope
you girls are ready...
...cause I came to see a show.
Big Momma, we got a problem!
Miss Lisa was our base. Without
a base, we cant do any stunts.
What did you do to
yourself? Lord, have-
Well, no worries. No worries.
Were gonna turn it out. Come on.
And now, the junior cheer
squad from the Newport District.
Lets give it up for Emerson!
Whoo!
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
- What?
- Andrew, no!
Hi, Big Momma.
- Ooh.
- That was fun!
Lets do it again.
It hurts me to leave
without saying good-bye...
...but I best be movin' on.
...when I came to you, my heart was heavy.
It's a loud, noisy world we live in...
...and sometimes we lose our way.
But if were lucky...
...the good Lord sends
someone to bring us home.
Make no never mind about it.
Loving people is hard work.
And families-
With all those lives mixin' together...
...it gets kinda scary.
But if we grab hold of
each other and hold on-
There's nothin' more
beautiful in the world.
You angels are my heart,
and I'll never forget you.
And keep a lookout.
You never know when
Big Momma might be back.
That leak we had has been fixed.
So now that we've dealt with the situation,
we can keep moving forward, right?
Yes, of course.
I thought so.
What was that about?
Nothing.
Go back to sleep.
You gotta get out there.
They're starting to get fidgety.
What were you so nervous about? I mean,
you set this up, right? You vouched for us?
Yes, but you don't
know them the way I do.
If they think for one second you're
not legit, they will turn on you.
And God help you if that happens.
That's it. We can't risk
it. I'm pulling the plug.
No, no.
I've never turned down an assignment,
and I'm not gonna start now.
Just tell me one thing.
Have they had their snack?
No, just juice boxes.
You gotta be kiddin me.
All right. Okay.
And now lets give a great big Gold
Coast Elementary School welcome to, uh...
Goldie the Safety Eagle!
I say, there's an eagle in the house.
I say, there's an eagle-
Pa-cow,
pa-cow.
So what brings us here
today, O great Safety Eagle?
Yeah, well, I'm, uh, here to
recruit some junior investigators.
Me!
Ah, now, I'm not talking about
investigating your parents.
Although, if your daddy got no job...
...and wearing a $20,000
Rolex, give us a call.
Hey, Trent. Watching television sure is fun...
That guy in the chicken suit?
Isn't that your step dad?
...make sure the cord
is not torn or frayed.
If the Safety Eagle
were to plug that in...
...he would get a nasty shock.
Plug it in! Plug it in!
Damn demon kids.
Space heaters keep us
warm in the winter...
...but they, too, can
be very dangerous if-
What-
Oh!
Oh. Oh. Whoo!
Oh!
Couldn't you have at least
taken off that chicken suit?
First of all, its an eagle suit.
And unfortunately, I had no
choice. The zipper melted.
- What's wrong with you anyway?
- Ryan and the guys saw you.
- So?
- So its embarrassing.
Ryan's dad sells shrimp
out the trunk of his car.
He's the one that should be embarrassed.
- Well, at least he doesn't have to do it dressed like a chicken.
- Eagle.
I'm an eagle.
An eagles a majestic
bird. It deserves respect.
So those stories you used to tell me- The
things you did, all those guys you put in jail-
- You gave it up for this?
- No.
I gave it up for her.
Hi, honey. Hi, baby!
What happened to my little birdie?
Eagle too proud to talk about it.
Well, come on inside
and let me take a look.
- Hey, baby.
- Hi, honey.
- What's up?
- Oh, I almost forgot.
The broker called today and
upped the offer on the Porsche.
Malcolm, with what he's offering...
...we can remodel the garage into a playroom
and still have enough left over for a minivan.
Whoa. Uh, now, a playrooms one thing.
But I am not drivin no minivan.
- Well, where are we gonna put a baby in that Porsche?
- It's got a trunk.
Malcolm, all the talks we
had about having the baby...
...and how it was gonna change things?
You promised me you were up for this.
Yeah, baby, but to be fair...
...you were naked when most
of those promises were made.
Look, I'm just kiddin'... Okay?
She wants a minivan.
Me driving a minivan? I
ain't gonna be able to do it.
Next thing you know, I'll be asking
if I look fat in these jeans.
This is my stuff?
Kick me out of my office?
Hell, no. Crawford.
It was my call. Field agents
have priority over P.R.
- You gotta be kidding me, Crawford.
- Malcolm. Malcolm!
Last night Doug Hudson
was killed in the line.
Yeah.
- I want in.
- I'm sure you do, but you're not a field agent anymore.
Reinstate me. You know
what the man meant to me.
He was my first partner. Hudson taught
me everything I know about this job.
I know that. You think
I don't know that?
But the Orange County
office has jurisdiction.
They already have
their best people on it.
You know full well the
best people for this is me.
Not anymore. The fact is,
we don't need you, Malcolm.
Look.
You're gonna have a baby. You
wanted a desk: we gave you one.
Now, I know P.R.
isn't exactly what you-
Did you really set
yourself on fire yesterday?
Well, actually, it was
more of a controlled burn.
The flames weren't that big.
Uh-huh.
Go home. Be with your wife.
Get your head on straight.
I don't wanna see you anywhere
near this. And that's an order.
- I find you sniffing
around, so... I heard you.
Lets get started, people.
Hey, Erskine, Crawford
wants you in there.
- Really?
- Yeah, really.
The United States government
operates the most sophisticated...
...intelligence-gathering
operations in the world.
A few months ago, we
received anonymous intel...
...that someone was designing a worm-
...a backdoor hack into that system.
So, terrorists, North Korea-
...whoever gets their hands on this
will know everything we know?
N.S.A., C.I.A., D.O.D.
All their databases
will be an open book.
Military intelligence, launch codes.
They'll have access to
everything we've got.
Now, our chief suspect is Tom Fuller.
As you can see, he spent a stint
in the army, military intelligence.
He's now head of development of software at
a company called National Agenda Software.
Agent Doug Hudson was working
undercover on Fullers technical team.
I guess he got too close.
Now, we've I.D.'d the
10 most likely buyers...
...and we have em under full surveillance.
...into Fullers house as a nanny.
...and well give 'em all
the bodies they need.
- Now lets get to work.
- A nanny?
Honey, look what I picked out
for the baby today. Isn't he cute?
Wh-Why are you packing, Malcolm?
Um, well, I'm just packing because, uh-
Guess what?
- Huh?
Um, There's this
- This convention. A safety convention.
Seasoned professionals sharing
ideas. You know, a think tank.
A think tank? Really? Well, who's going?
- Uh, McGruff the
Crime Dog... - Uh-huh.
...uh, Smokey the Bear gonna be there.
- Wow.
- Baby, all the heavy hitters.
Now that I think about it,
like, they all comin out.
So McGruff the Crime Dog and Goldie
the Safety Eagle? Honey, this is great!
Well, its not like we sharing
a room or anything like that.
- I don't get down like that.
- No, baby, I didn't mean it like that.
I just
- I meant that I'm really proud of you.
And I know you're working really
hard to make this new job work.
And I know that you're
doing it for me...
And for Trent and for the baby.
And for all the babies to come.
Malcolm, I love you.
- All the babies to
come? - Yeah. Mm- Hmm.
- You wanna give me
a number? - Mm-hmm.
You understand you need
to get this job, right?
All right. Well, we didn't have
time to cover all the angles...
...but with this rsum, you
shouldn't have any trouble at all.
- Piece of cake.
- Okay, go.
Go get em.
She is an excellent
agent. Very professional.
Oh, Mrs. Gallagher, you're here.
- I'm sorry I was so late.
- Hi.
They're here. Can I
talk to you for a second?
I want you to know things are gonna
be different this time, I promise.
What? I don't know what you mean.
Look, I know that I am particular.
But I am gonna work on it.
I'm gonna be more flexible.
Probably not about
everything, but I think that...
...there is some wiggle room,
in some areas, probably.
Lets just jump right
into the interviews.
Great. Whatever you want.
I have three amazing candidates.
Ladies, Id like you to
meet Mrs. Leah Fuller.
Mrs. Fuller, this is-
Ooh, Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord.
Big Mommas in the house.
Ooh, hello.
Oh, I'm sorry I'm late...
...but there was an incident on the bus.
- Oh, my gosh. Are you okay?
- Well, lets just say there's one pervert...
...who wont playing the flute no time soon.
Huh? Ooh, give me a second, please.
Ooh, got my pressure all
up and my nerves goin. Ooh.
Who the hell is that?
Hey, uh, Constance, give me a close-up.
Ooh, hi. I'm Hattie Mae Pierce.
But you can call me Big Momma.
Everybody calls me Big Momma.
Miss... Big Momma?
Um, I'm not sure how you found out about
this job opening, but unfortunately-
- Well, has the position been filled?
- Uh, no.
Now, that's good equal opportunity.
You should know I got Al
Sharpton on speed dial. Mm- Hmm.
Need me to call? Wanna make a call? Hmm?
- Want a
rally? - Mm-mmm.
First, we have Petra.
- She studied art in Paris.
- Oh. Bonjour.
- Hmm.
- She speaks four languages, and recently worked...
...for one of Orange County's
most respected families.
Unfortunately, they divorced.
Oh, child, that divorce
wasn't your fault.
So what if men like to look
at you in your birthday suit?
Excuse me?
Well, the only way you get a tan
like that is by layin' out butt naked.
Butterball naked. Hmm?
Mrs. Fuller, I can assure you-
No, its all right that you wanna
be a nudist. Do your nudie thing.
All right? It's okay.
I'm sure Mrs. Fuller
is not intimidated...
...by a pair of perky Ds.
Hmm, Ds. Hmm? Hmm?
Oh.
Where you goin? Did I say somethin'?
Ooh. You don't need nobody like
that around your husband anyway.
Okay. Um, our next
candidate is Isabella.
Isabella spent the last few
years in the Peace Corps.
Wow. That explains it.
You-You chasing the dragon?
- What? - You firing
the 'aack- Ack' gun?
Child smoking the cheeba?
I got two words: roach clip.
So you don't burn your fingers.
- Can you see that? - I should-
I should probably really go.
Who is this woman?
Well, if anyone is beyond
reproach, its Constance.
Hello, Constance. It's
awfully nice to meet you.
Now, I assume you are
completely 'aack-ack' free?
Oh, yes, ma'am. Of course.
She has impeccable references.
She even studied child psychology.
Ooh, that's impressive. Ooh.
Well, children are my passion.
- Oh. Oh, really?
Well, would you say...
...that you're a follower of Bouch?
Or do you side more
with Kreiter's theory?
Um, Kreiter.
- Definitely Kreiter.
- Well, child, Kreiter's my butcher.
And he can cook the hell out of a ham hock,
but he don't know nothin' about children.
So what else are you lyin' about?
What?
Maybe you can forgive her lyin' ways...
...but I'm sure you don't
want a nanny who's packin'...
Packing?
Oh, tell me this is not happening.
Should we discuss compensation?
Oh, Big Momma, I am so glad you came by.
I mean, can you imagine if I had
hired one of those other ladies?
Oh, Big Momma, are you okay?
Oh. Oh, what a lovely stool.
And so comfortable.
Well, let me tell you a
little bit about the Fullers.
I own my own marketing business...
...and my husband, Tom, is in software.
- Oh, my God! Big Momma, are you okay?
- Ooh. Ooh.
Ooh. Excuse me.
Uh, maybe I'll just stand.
So your husbands out on a new
project? I can't wait to meet him.
Yeah, well.
- Uh, do you wanna know about the children?
- Well, that depends.
- Will they be around a lot?
- Well, they live here...
...so pretty much all the time.
Oh. Well...
...in that case, Big Momma loves taking care of the kids.
- Oh, good.
Unless, of course, you think they'd be
better off in a nice military academy.
No.
That's funny. I will warn you though...
...their schedules are pretty hectic...
...so I've come up with something
to help you keep it straight.
Damn. How many kids you got?
I know. I have to remind myself
sometimes that its only three.
But its not as bad as it looks,
once you get used to the system.
Okay, for example,
sports are white pegs...
...music are yellow, um...
...tutoring is blue, and
household chores are red.
Well, which peg says its time for
me to drink a 40 and watch Dr. Phil?
You're funny.
Um, my husband, Tom, seems to think that
I'm a little too obsessive about this...
...but, you know, the world is changing.
And I want my kids to be able to
take advantage of it in every way.
Oh, rats!
Oh, I'll handle it. Uh, all
I need is a hammer and a mop.
Oh, that's actually our dog, Poncho.
He hasn't really been himself lately.
We had this other dog named Carla.
She was Ponchos girlfriend.
And she was out playing with a ball,
and there was this, um, wood chipper.
- Wood chipper?
- Oh, he saw the whole thing.
- He blames himself.
It's a tragedy, really.
Anyway, lets go meet the children.
First, we have Andrew. He's three.
Oh, my goodness.
I know. He does that all day long.
And you would think that he would
get hurt, but he never seems to.
Boy, you are two kinds of crazy.
You cant be throwing
yourself around like that.
Oh, he doesn't speak, at all.
We've taken him to a bunch of
specialists. They insist nothing's wrong...
...that hell talk when he's ready.
So until then-
Well, I hope he's wearing a cup.
Boy just-
This is Carrie. She's
our little cheerleader.
Hey, Carrie, I wanna
introduce you to someone.
This is Big Momma. She's
gonna be our new nanny.
Hi. Mommy...
...can you please help me with my routine?
Why, babe? You're doing great.
Id get everything
pointy out of the room.
...is going through a bit of a phase.
Well, like this, for example.
She never used to lock her door.
- Well, I could bust it down if you want.
- Oh, no. That's all right.
A couple of months ago, she started hanging
out with this new group of friends...
...including this boy, Chad,
who, lets just say...
...would not be our favorite.
Damn.
- Molly now prefers a... A
free- Flow living environment.
Well, at some point,
this flow backed up.
This is Big Momma. She's gonna
be our new nanny. Big Momma...
- This used to be Molly.
- Molly, yes.
Did somethin die in here?
Yeah, probably. Listen,
Mom, I was studying.
- So if you guys could please
go... Anything to get rid of me.
Mom, you always do this. I swear to God
I was on my bed with my history book.
- I was studying.
- Okay, okay. I'm gonna go.
- Bye.
- Okay.
You weren't studyin'... And
you weren't on that bed.
- I totally was.
- No.
You were sitting at the computer.
And your history book is over there...
...by that nasty egg salad sandwich,
which explains the smell.
Watch it, girl. There's
a new sheriff in town.
Here we are.
Ooh!
This is my room? Oh, Big Momma done died
and gone to the Ritz- Carlton.
Oh, I am so glad you like it.
Okay, well, why don't
you just settle in...
- And well get started first thing in the morning?
- All right.
I'm so happy you're here, Big Momma. And
I know Mr. Fuller's gonna like you too.
- Oh, he's gonna love me.
- Let me know if you need anything.
Yes!
Time to go to work.
Copying files.
Hey, baby.
I got worried when you
didn't call. How's Phoenix?
Oh, Phoenix? The convention.
Well, what else did you think I was talking
about-Why are you whispering, Malcolm?
Oh, no, no. We just, uh...
...doing a lot of, you know,
safety chanting, baby.
You know, uh, 'Stop, drop
and roll. ' You know.
That McGruff is a freak.
Dog don't know when to quit.
Baby, this is kind of late.
Maybe you should get some sleep.
Oh, I know. I know, but I just
needed to hear your voice. I miss you.
Trent and I had dinner tonight, and I
must have eaten something too spicy...
- Because the baby's been kicking
like... Yeah, baby, I love you too.
Bye.
Ugh.
Oh. Where's everybody?
Oh.
Oh, climbing on the cabinets
is his latest accomplishment.
You okay, Andrew? Whoo.
Mr. Fuller, so nice to meet you.
I'm Hattie Mae Pierce, but
you can call me Big Momma.
It's great to meet you. My wife
has an early-morning meeting...
...and I am so late.
You leaving me alone with the kids?
Mr. Fuller! Mi-
Big Momma, I think Andrew
just ate a Brillo pad.
Andrew, no! Well, that's
one way to get your roughage.
- That means if we don't leave
right now, we're gonna be late.
Why don't your daddy take you to school?
Daddy says he has an important job
where important things happen...
...so he cant waste his
time with our nonsense.
Molly! We gotta go!
But, Big Momma, Mommy
didn't get me any breakfast.
Breakfast?
Okay, uh
- Oh. Oh.
Yeah. Yeah, there you go.
Oh.
All righty. Yes, indeedy.
Right. Like that there.
A hearty helping-All right?
Oh. Looks like somebody
got a note on the red peg.
Ooh, notes on red pegs
are really important.
You kiddin? This peg stuff is for real?
She wants me to do all this?
It is your job, Sheriff.
Girl, you got a mean streak in you...
...and God don't like ugly.
Now get in the car and
take your sister with you.
Sorry about that, Poncho!
You sure these aren't yours?
- How big do you think
I am? I'm just playin'...
But how in the hell did
these get under your bed?
I don't know. I don't know. But
Malcolm would never cheat on me.
Especially not with-
This is like four yards of lace.
Well, regardless, you cant just sit
back and hope nothin' is going on.
You gotta take action.
For a hundred dollars, I know
somebody that'll bug his phone.
No. No, absolutely not.
I would never bug Malcolm's phone.
- I completely trust my husband.
- Sherri, you are so naive.
You married an F.B.I. Agent.
I bet on your wedding night, he drugged you
and embedded a tracking device in your ass.
I don't have a tracking device.
Danielle, there's gotta be a perfectly
logical explanation for these.
A woman this big, wearing a thong?
That cant be comfortable.
Can it?
Ooh. Uh-oh. Ooh.
Big Momma got to be careful.
I lose control of this thong,
it could disappear for days.
Hi there. I'm Hattie Mae Pierce,
but you can call me Big Momma.
Everybody calls me Big Momma.
You wanna say hello, Andrew?
This here is Tom Fullers boy.
Fine. This is a secure facility, and I-
- Um- Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa. - Ooh. Uh-
Please, you don't know me like
that. You better ask somebody.
Let me set the baby down.
I don't wanna get him upset.
- Hold on.
- I'm, uh, gonna have to wand you.
Wand me? Well, wand on.
Find what you're lookin' for?
It-That-That's
under wire. Yeah.
Keepin' these fun bags off
the floor is a full-time job.
- You wanna see? I'll show you, yeah.
- No, ma'am.
- It's all right. You can take a little peeky peek.
- No, you can stop.
- No, ma'am. You can stop.
- But I'm not responsible for the damages.
- It might poke your eyes out. -
Please, stop it. Don't- Don't unbutton!
Eighteenth floor.
Ooh, thank you.
Ooh, all these guards and locked doors.
This must be what its like to get
in one of Oprah's private parties.
Yeah.
You know what, Ms. Pierce? Um, I'm afraid Mr.
Fuller has a meeting in the conference room...
...and I'm not allowed to disturb him.
- Okay, well, I'll
just wait in... Yeah.
Ooh. We got a gusher.
Oh, my goodness. Oh, this is the last
time I feed this boy pickled pigs feet.
You're going to change
his diaper right here?
Ah, yes, but don't worry.
I'll contain the seepage, okay?
I just hope your hard
drives are backed up.
Mr. Fuller has a bathroom in his office.
Okay, Andrew. That programs gotta
be hidin' up in here somewhere.
A remote, but no TV.
Open sesame.
We did an extensive check on Mr.
Fuller and didn't find anything.
Basically, we've got a small
army of agents working out there.
And because Agent Stone
blew a nanny interview...
...we got nothin:
Look, we gotta get
somebody on the inside.
Now, isn't there anybody close
to Fuller that we can turn?
No. We have tried everybody who has any
contact with anyone inside that house.
- We have exhausted the list.
- Wait a minute.
I know someone we haven't tried yet.
Because were coming up on our deadline,
and I need to know your status.
- Ooh, look. There's your daddy.
- I need to know if you're ready.
Look, I wouldn't have flown out here
if I wasn't ready. Now where's my money?
Don't worry about the
money. Where do we meet?
That's right. Give me somethin'...
Tonight, 7:00, West Hills Mall.
- Where?
- The surf shop, dude.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
- Someone in the building is logged on to our conference.
- You gotta be kidding me!
You guys are amateurs,
dude. I'm outta here.
- What happened?
- Someone was watching.
Wed better find out who that someone is.
Ooh, ooh. Comin through. 'Scuse me.
Comin through. Ooh.
I cleaned up in there
as much as possible.
Ooh. Mr. Fuller.
Andrew and I thought wed come
down and pay you a little visit.
Ain't that right, Andrew?
Hi, Son.
Ooh, well, were workin' on that
talkin' thing. Can you say Tupac?
Oh, hell get it. He'll get it.
Tom, is there a problem?
- No, this is, um...
Uh, Hattie Mae Pierce.
Hi. I take care of Tom Fullers babies.
Tom?
Ooh, look at the time. We gotta go.
Oh, yes, there we go.
Ooh, do me a favor, will
you? Hold that for me.
Thank you.
Get rid of that.
Did you have a good time today?
Huh?
Big Mommas tryin' to fix this.
F.B.I.
Sorry, ma'am. I'm gonna have to ask
you to step inside the van, please.
Don't push me. You don't
know me, monkey mouth.
I- I-I'll
kick you.
Look, I-I can explain.
Ms. Pierce, I am so sorry
for the inconvenience.
Can I get you anything?
Look, if this is about...
...those butt-ball naked
pictures of Billy Dee...
...you gotta understand, that's Billy.
I just checked my e-mail. There he was.
I go, 'Ooh! Oooh!'
And all I could say to myself was, 'll
got Billy! I got Billy! I got Billy!'
No. No, I, uh-
I can assure you-
Ms. Pierce, the F.B.I. is
investigating Tom Fuller.
Mr. Fuller? Have mercy.
Yes. And since you seem to have
such close access to the family...
...the fact is, we could
really use your help.
Well, what could Big Momma possibly-
I get it. You want me to take him out.
- No. No. -
Yeah. Uh- Uh?
- No. We just want you to keep an eye on him.
- Ah?
You know, have you seen or heard
anything out of the ordinary?
Uh, wait.
He seems to be getting outside help
on that big project he's working on.
But what's really important is...
...we need to find out
who he's working with.
Now, ma'am, do you think you
could find out that information?
Well, um.
Well, my m. O. would be
to stay close to the perps.
That way, I wont
compromise the assets...
...and I'll wait for the
intel to fall in my hands.
- Excuse me?
- Well, I mean...
...you watch enough Kojak,
you pick up a few things.
Don't worry. Big Momma
got that. I got it.
Good Lord, help em all.
Now, I know you got
somethin to say to that.
Nothin?
Well, well work on it.
- I think we should show em the sprinkler.
- Let's swing.
All right, from the top. Ready? Five, six...
Hey, you've reached
Malcolm, Sherri and Trent.
We cant take your call, but leave a
message, and we'll get back with you.
Hey, Sherri. It's me, baby.
You know, just thinkin about you-
Wanna give you a call from, uh
- From Phoenix.
Ow!
Okay, loser.
Wait
- Carrie! I gotta go, baby.
Oh.
...give you a call from, uh
- From Phoenix.
Wait. Carrie!
- Carrie?
- I gotta go, baby.
Carrie?
You
- You know, those girls got no room to talk.
- That ain't dancin'... -
And chass. And pump. And-
That's getting Tasered by the police.
Big Momma, I don't care about that.
I just
- I wanna be good, you know?
If I was good, then my
dad would come watch me...
...cause then it wouldn't be
nonsense and a waste of his time.
Child, you could dance like
all those skinny girls on MTV.
That wouldn't make your daddy stay home.
Now, he loves you. He just has
a helluva fine way of showin' it.
Now, you can do this little
cheerleading dance thing. I know you can.
But you need to do it for
yourself, not anybody else.
Stand up. Let me show you somethin.
Watch Big Momma. See?
Rock with it, baby. Rock with it.
Just feel it.
All try? All right.
Ready, now. To the right.
You gotta go right, baby. There you go.
No, no, not your leg. Bring your hip.
Bring your hip and
then you dip. Hip, dip.
Hip, dip. There you go,
Carrie! That's it, Carrie!
There go
- Now rock with it. Rock with it, Carrie.
Rock with it. Now dip, baby. Whoo!
Dip, dip, dip, baby.
- Whoo
- Hoo! There you go, Carrie.
- There you go, Carrie. Ooh.
- Okay, guys.
Um, girls, keep working. You look
great. Well be right back. Keep going.
- Ooh. Ooh.
- Um, excuse me?
- Can I help you?
- You can dance.
- So?
- We suck.
- Aw, come on. Were not that bad.
- Lisa, are you kidding?
We are flailing around like
a couple of stroke victims.
Okay, so maybe we could use a
little help with the dancing part...
...but I've got the stunts covered.
I was a gymnast.
Look, we really need your help.
We've got this competition coming up.
You want the girls to go
up on stage doing... That?
Ooh.
Well, as scary as that
is, I'm gonna have to pass.
- But, Big Momma.
- Don't you Big Momma me.
Now, I didn't cry during
Waiting to Exhale...
...and I'm certainly not gonna
fall for your puppy-dog eyes.
Now, this day is gettin' away
from me. We got to go, Carrie.
What do you say we practice at
your house tomorrow morning, Carrie?
- Good idea.
- Mmm.
Carrie?
He doesn't even know any-
F.B.I., Los Angeles.
Tassie?
- Sherri?
- Hey, girl. How you feeling?
- Oh, large.
Then I bet it feels good havin'
Malcolm home takin' care of you.
Putting in for two weeks off
to wait on you hand and foot?
I hope you know what
kind of man you got there.
I'm starting to get the picture.
Take your little brother in
there for me. I'll be right there.
What the hell you doing
sneaking around in bushes?
You cant take-
Chad? 19?
This girl up in here is 15.
Boy, you must be stuck on
stupid. This stops today.
- Oh, hey, Big Momma. I'm
just gonna check the mail.
That package you ordered
has just been sent back.
What? Oh, no. You've
gotta be kidding me.
Molly, boys that age
only want one thing...
...and it ain't meaningful conversation.
I don't have to listen to you.
Don't get snatched up. Now get
upstairs and finish your homework.
I got Mace.
What is going on? Did you
just threaten my daughter?
- Oh, that's no
threat. I do carry Mace.
Hey. Big Momma, I think we need to talk.
Good, Id love to. How
about 9:00 in the morning?
- That's when I watch Regis.
- I don't think that it can wait.
If you had checked the peg
board, you would've seen...
...that Carrie had a violin
lesson and Andrew had tutoring.
Tutoring? The boys only two years old.
I want my children to be able to
seize every opportunity that they can.
And they might want to go
to Harvard. And if they do...
I want to make sure that
that is a possibility.
Andrew is jumpin' off the
cabinets, eatin' Brillo pads.
He's not goin' to Harvard. You can
get that out your head right now.
And besides, if you had noticed, there
was quite a bit of housework for you to do.
Yeah, I
- I been meanin' to talk to you about that.
Those red pegs, you might
wanna go easy on em, all right?
Now, if you'll excuse me,
Big Momma has an appointment.
- Well, what about dinner?
- I already ate, but thank you.
Uh, okay, this is Agent Keneally.
Please advise. I just made
B.M. in the back of a cab.
Uh, you did what in the back of the cab?
Big Momma! I just made B
- I saw Big Momma in the back of a cab.
And now I'm going to get V.D.
Visual data. I'm going
- Never mind.
This is where I need you to
carry me and make it snappy.
Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am.
If you favor those eyes, I
suggest you keep em on the road.
Yes, ma'am.
- On the road.
- Yes, ma'am. Yeah.
Hello, Bob.
Sherri. You-You shouldn't
even be back here.
- Where is he?
- How could I possibly know?
Oh, come on, Bob. He's got a locator. Every
agent has one implanted in their phone.
That is a silly, outrageous-
- How did you know that?
- Bob...
I am eight-and-a-half-months
pregnant.
My feet are swollen, and
my back is killing me.
I have peed 52 times today, and you don't even
wanna know what's going on with my nipples.
- Can I at least guess?
- Bob, if you don't tell me where he is...
- Right
now... Okay.
Agent location, West Hills Mall.
- Agent location, West Hills Mall.
- Thanks, Bob.
- What's, um-What's a good place to go
surfing around here? - Oh, Huntington Beach.
- Really?
- Beautiful.
It's so gorgeous. Hey.
I'm sorry. I gotta go.
I've been walking around
for an hour looking for you.
I was busy, if you hadn't noticed.
Very, very specific encrypted notation.
I'm not concerned about encryption.
Ooh.
Wife?
Been there.
Ooh.
Ooh!
Sherri? Baby-
- Where is she?
- Who?
Who's Carrie, Malcolm? No.
- Where is the Carrie girl?
- Baby, you got that all-
- No... Which one
of you is Carrie?
Baby.
Baby. Sherri.
- Is your name Carrie?
- No, baby. That's not no Carrie.
- You got it all wrong.
- Malcolm Turner, F.B.I.?
F.B.I.?
You're on a case. Malcolm, you promised.
Wanna explain these?
And you drag my Big Momma into this?
- I didn't drag no Big Momma into this.
- No, no. Just her breasts.
I don't think nobody's talkin' to you.
- Sherri. Come... Let her go. Now
we got something to talk about.
- I got Bishop.
- Where is he?
Right over-
He's right over-
- Wait-Where-
- Lets go.
Lets go. Knock it off.
- Aw.
- Um, Malcolm, what are these made off? Like a buckwheat husk?
This is him, right?
- Yeah.
He's a hacker. Goes
by the name of Bishop.
He's about as good as they get. There's
no question he could've pulled this off.
Are you sure you can
find this guy Bishop?
Cause right now he's our only lead.
Well, he was checkin' out board
shops. He's a surfer, all right.
There's no way he'd come to
Cali and not check out the waves.
I'm gonna find him. I'm
telling you. I'm gonna find him.
- Agent Keneally stays with you the whole time.
- Aw.
- He's your new partner.
- You've got to be kiddin'...
And, Turner, you blow your
cover and this worm gets out...
...you'll not only lose your job
- You're goin' to jail.
Oh, and do not blow
your cover as Big Momma.
- Ooh.
- Big Momma?
Mrs. Fuller, can we do
this some other time?
No, we cant.
I came home tonight, and
you were nowhere to be found.
The kids had not done their homework. I looked
around. There were dirty dishes everywhere.
And then I found this.
You threw our laundry in the garbage.
Big Momma, you don't wanna
cook, you don't wanna clean...
...and you obviously don't respect what
I'm trying to do with my children.
You mean keep em so busy that they don't realize
that you and your husband are never around?
Ooh. I didn't mean to say that.
I want you out of the house
first thing in the morning.
Mrs. Fuller?
But Mrs. Fuller?
Hey, baby. Just wanted
to leave you a message...
...tell you I'm sorry I lied...
...and I love you.
I hope you still want to hear that.
Oh. This feels good.
Huh?
Oh, Ponch, that's no
way for a dog to act.
I got somethin for you.
This'll help you get
over the wood chipper.
All right? Here's a
little sippy-sip for you.
Yeah. I'd have a drink with you...
...but I gotta go to work.
Yeah. Go on and get
your tilt on, all right?
- I know that you're busy.
- Yeah.
All I'm saying is I could
use a little bit of help.
If you could use a little bit
of help, why did you fire her?
Because I had to. I'm gonna call Mrs.
Gallagher first thing and get a new nanny.
Wow.
The muffins are fat-free,
the eggs are free-range...
...and the bacon is extra crispy.
- This is fantastic.
- Yeah, it looks like something out of a magazine.
I just couldn't leave y'all with a
bad taste in your mouth about Big Momma.
But if there's nothin' else...
I guess-
I guess I'll be movin' on.
Look, Big Momma even made Poncho happy!
Lord, that dogs higher
than a Georgia pine.
I gotta run. Great spread, Big Momma.
Oh, Mr. Fuller. Oh,
bye. I'll see you around.
You're a good man, Mr.
Fuller. You're a good man!
- Thank you. Thanks, Big Momma. Thank you. Thanks.
- Bye.
It's so hard to say good-bye.
Who is that at the door this early?
Mom, don't you remember? Allison
and Emily's mom had to go to work.
Oh, my gosh. Are all those
girls coming here today?
Look at em.
I was at their last practice.
I could stay and help.
It's no trouble.
Okay, we gotta work this
out. I need a volunteer.
Mrs. Fuller.
- Yes?
- You can be my volunteer.
Oh, gosh, Big Momma, there are
- There are things that I'm doing today.
Well, this'll only take a second.
Little ladies, where do you
think real dancing begins?
Your heart?
Well, good answer. But you
don't dance with your heart.
You dance with your butt!
Now, lets try this again.
What do we want, Mrs. Fuller?
Uh, more butt?
That's right. Try it with me.
Sway with your butt.
Groove with the butt.
Now, become one with the butt.
Don't be afraid to touch it
and become one with it! Yes!
All right! Whoo! Got butt movement
all back there. I like that.
All right. There you go, little ladies.
Now, lets put some music on, all right?
Ooh! Ooh!
That's my jam! Ooh!
There you go with it. I
like that. Groovin' with it.
Do your thing. That's right.
Do your thing, Mrs. Fuller!
Yes! Come on, Mrs. Fuller.
Whoo! Yes, indeedy! Just like that.
That's puttin' stank on
it. That's all that is.
Ooh. Ooh. Y'all wrap it up.
Wrap it up.
Ohh.
Oh, Big Momma, these girls
are having such a good time.
Look at Carrie. She's always so
quiet. She can't stop laughing.
Well, I always say, laughter is
Gods hand on a troubled world.
You know, Big Momma, I was hoping
that we could mend our fences.
I just wanted to say that
I'm very sorry. I was wrong.
And I was hoping you would
please consider staying here.
Well, of course I will.
Yes. Sure enough. Id love that.
Big Momma, the girls and I
want to go over the dance again.
Ooh, give me a second, all right?
Big Momma got to catch her breath.
Okay.
Oh, hey, when were done with this...
I have the perfect place to take you.
A spa! Look at this!
Victoria's Secret models. They shoot the
catalog in a studio right down the street.
They'll usually parade around naked.
If you think about it too much,
it can get a little depressing.
Some people just ruin it for everybody.
What time does the paradin' begin?
...and you can just take off all
your clothes and put this on.
I think you'll be very comfortable.
And then you just put
your things in this locker.
There's nothing else in
there but your things.
There's my friend Crystal. Excuse
me one second. Hey, Crystal.
- Hey.
- Hello. Hi.
Tryin' to find my locker.
Ooh. Around here somewhere.
Ooh. Oh. Ooh.
Excuse me. Could you give me
a hand, please, with my bra?
I just got my nails done, and I cant-
Here. It unhooks in
the front right here.
Here. Will this help?
Ooh! Ooh!
Ooh! This is lovely!
A room full of beautiful
women in towels and mud.
Hey, everybody, this is Big Momma.
- Hi.
- Oh, hello.
Ooh, don't let me disturb you. Y'all
just keep walkin' around naked...
...and massagin' each other
in exotic oils or whatever.
Oh, a snack.
- No, no, no, no.
- No, Big Momma. Those are for your eyes.
They're covered in eucalyptus sap.
Got it.
Oh. Hey, listen, I was
wondering. How about a massage?
Ahhh. I would like you to
work on my lower back here...
...because sometimes I-
Oh, my damn! No, I wanted
the girl with the perky-
The one with the perky
- You ain't got to push me.
Ooh! Oh! Yes!
I need you to get all in
the crevices, all right?
Work that lower back like
I was telling you. Ooh!
You know, while we've got her here,
we should get Big Momma's advice.
That is a great idea.
Big Momma, you were married for a
really long time. What was your secret?
Y'all want my advice?
Well, all right. Um-
My advice to you lovely ladies...
...on keepin' a long-lasting,
happy marriage...
...is to give it up.
That's right. Give it up
morning, noon and night.
- And twice on Saturday.
- What?
I did. Shoot, before he went to work...
...in a parkin' lot down
at the Dairy Queen...
...ooh, and one time I rocked
his world at a Popeye's.
Had him droolin' on the biscuits.
Oh, yeah. We got us a bangy-bang on.
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.
Ooh.
Ooh, that's hot. Oh,
that's hot, hot, hot.
Oh, no, that's damn hot. Hot!
Oh, that's way too hot.
Back burnin'! Back burnin'!
Ah! Oh, Lord! Back
burnin! Comin' through!
No! No! No! No!
Hmm.
Thank you, Mrs. Fuller.
- I had a good time,
except for those hot rocks.
Now, Big Momma got some
errands to run. I'll be back.
Oh, gosh, Big Momma. I've gotta go to the
office, and the carpet cleaners are coming.
I was hoping you could get the kids
out of the house for a few hours.
But I got things I got-
Who wants to go to the beach?
Mom'll never believe this.
Damn, man! Put on some drawers!
This is a family beach,
not Chippendales!
What's wrong with you?
Eagle One, this is Hungry Like the Wolf.
- Come in, Eagle One.
- Kevin? Kevin!
Yes? Yes, what?
Cop-Copy. Copy, Eagle One.
Man, stop with the damn code
names. He ain't out here.
Affirmative. Stopping with
the code names, Eagle One.
Ooh, hi, babies!
Ooh, the waters so warm.
Big Momma, if you're done with your
walk, Andrew's eating sand again.
You got something you
wanna say to Big Momma?
Come on. Talk for me.
Can you say 'ocean'?
Why don't you take him down
and get his feet wet, all right?
Shoo, go play. Have a good time.
Enjoy the beach. Get sand
all in between your toes.
Everything. I don't care. Ooh!
Let me cop a squat here.
Ooh!
Ooh! I feel sexy.
I don't want to be here.
Really? But you look so comfortable.
Yeah, well, this is who I am,
okay? So just get used to it.
Ooh. Well, it might be. It
might be exactly who you are.
Or maybe its just something
you're tryin' to be...
...to impress some boy you got
no business tryin to impress.
Yeah, well, Chad loves me
just like this, so whatever.
Child, you're only 15 years old.
Truth be told, you cant spell love.
Now, that Chad boy
- He's playin' you.
What? Pla
- No. You don't know anything about him.
Oh, really? Well, lets see.
You probably met him out
with a group of friends.
He never said anything to you.
He just stood in the back,
lookin all mysterious.
And he likes to call
you late at night...
...because he says you're the
last voice he wants to hear.
How did you know that?
Child, the players change,
but the game remains the same.
And one day you're gonna wake up,
and you're gonna realize, Molly...
...that Big Momma got your back.
Now, look, if you need me...
I don't care when it is, day or
night, you just call me, okay?
And I'll come runnin'
quick, fast and in a hurry.
Malcolm! Malcolm! Malcolm, I got him!
I got him! I got him!
Malcolm, Malcolm, I got him!
Molly, why don't you take your brother
and sister down to the concession stand...
...and get em some ice cream?
Big Momma go to stretch
one more again, okay?
Uh-
Freeze! F.B.I.! Hold
it right there! Hold it!
Come here! Don't make me run after you!
I don't like chasin' people!
Give me that!
Move! Get out the way! Move! Move!
Lord have mercy! Police
business! Get out the way!
Ohhh!
Oh! No!
Oh!
Hold it!
Stop!
Right there! Hold it right there!
Freeze! F.B.I.! All
right, Anthony Bishop...
I got a warrant for your arrest.
F.B.I.? What's with the, you know?
You're the one bein' chased. You don't get
to ask questions. Now, get off the railing.
You don't know these guys. I roll
over on them, they'll kill me.
- Don't worry. I can help you.
- No, you can't!
Yes, I can. Now, don't make me come up-
Listen, we did a full search- Bishop's hotel room,
everything. There was no disk.
Damn.
We assume Bishop already
delivered his disk...
...which means the programs have merged, and
the worm is operational, ready for delivery.
- We gotta get into Fullers office computer.
- I got in once. I'll do it again.
The problem is, even if we did that, were
talking multiple levels of encryption.
- We cant hack that.
- Way ahead of you. I'm bringin' in an outside consultant.
He can give you the password. You
can use that to break into the system.
My office will give you an address.
Oh, this here is a good read.
It got a chapter in here
that will blow your mind.
You're losing it.
Andrew, don't you even think ab-
Harvard, here we come.
Trent, I'm home!
So, uh, his name is Stewart Nybo.
Computer Crimes Division nailed
him hacking into a D.O.D. System...
...and then they cut him a
deal to come work for us.
Mr. Nybo, were pretty
anxious to get started.
- Well brief you
on the... Stewart!
- Yo.
- Stewart?
Are you kidding? If I were that
little nerd, Id kill myself.
- That's Stewart.
- Are we gonna be gone long?
Because if so, I'll need
to bring my retainer.
Wait a minute. You're Stewart?
Duh.
- Uh, this has gotta be some kind of mistake.
- Yeah, right.
The mistake was thinking that two morons
like you can do the job in the first place.
I'll be waiting in the car. And
if you get lost on the way...
...its the big metal
thing with four wheels.
Did you bring the car seat?
Uh, so, Malcolm, with this earpiece...
...we will hear everything that you hear.
So you just get Fuller to talk, well
feed everything into the computer...
...and then hopefully well
come up with the password.
Most people are idiots
and choose sappy passwords.
You know, family crap- Hometowns,
college stories, old girlfriends, old guy stuff.
Eh. I'll never get them to open up
in the house. Too many distractions.
Okay. Okay. Well, then,
you get em out of the house.
You get them off their game...
...and then you take them to a place
where Big Momma would be in control.
Hi.
B-2.
B-2.
Bingo! Bingo! Bingo!
Carrie, baby.
No, you don't yell out
'bingo' if you don't have it.
Bingo people get a little testy.
She's just a child, and
it won't happen again.
Damn right it wont happen again!
Come on, baby.
- Get it.
- What do you mean, get it?
She needs a flea rinse. Turbo dry.
Oh, and can you shave her pads for me?
Were supposed to be
dog groomers, you idiot.
Yes. Yes. She's in excellent hands, sir.
You have a great day. Bye-bye now.
Um...
...okay, okay.
You've gotta be kidding me.
Come here. Okay, clip the
nails. Flush the ears. Bye- Bye.
B-14.
B-1-4. - Ooh.
Ask him where he was born, Malcolm.
Oh, so, Mr. Fuller, where
did you say you were from?
- Shhh!
- G-55.
- Long Island.
- Long Island, New York.
Birthplace of Mariah Carey.
Long Island. Try Long Island.
Nothing.
Oh! Oh, Malcolm, he went to
Princeton. Get him to talk about that.
So I hear you was a Princeton Tiger.
What activities were you in?
- Shhh! Do you
mind? - B-9.
All these people up in here
screamin', and you're gonna shush me?
I should stomp a mud hole
in your little bald head.
'Hattie Mae Pierce! But
you can call me Big Momma.
Everybody calls me Big Momma. '
- N-42. - Big Momma, do
you even know this lady?
- No.
- Oh, you know me, Hattie Mae.
- You know
me. - Uh-oh.
She knows you. I mean,
she knows Big Momma.
Uh, sure.
As in, uh, old friend?
A uncle? Aunt?
I swore on the lives
of my grandbabies...
...that if I ever saw you again,
I would beat you like a drum.
- N
- 40.
- How does she know Big Momma?
- Malcolm, do not let her blow your cover. Do you hear me?
I repeat
- Do not let her blow your cover.
Now, do you want that beatin'
here or out in the street?
It don't make me no never mind. Come on.
Maybe you should go
have a few more drinks.
You got somethin that belongs to
me, Hattie Mae, and I want it back.
- What does she want back?
- I have no idea.
You stole my man.
- Your man?
- That's right. My man.
- She stole her man.
- Big Momma stole your man?
Is that true, Big Momma?
Uh, maybe. Um, but I
know I gave him back.
I clare, I never knew what
Ben Rawley saw in you anyway.
You cant help it if you're ugly...
...but that don't mean you gotta go out.
And besides, you look like you
packed on a few pounds over the years.
- You watch your mouth when you talkin to me!
- Ladies, ladies.
- You don't know me!
- Please! Would you take your seat over there, please?
Malcolm, Malcolm, listen to
me. You are not Big Momma, okay?
You are a highly trained field operative, and you
do not throw down with a 65- Year-old woman!
- That would be cool to watch.
- You know what? My momma raised a lady.
Oh, no, she didn't. She raised a heifer!
- Now,
wa... Oh!
- Damn!
- Ow!
- Oh!
- Oh!
Oh, no. I'm goin' down.
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, man.
Big Momma. Big Momma.
Ohhh, he said 'Big Momma. '
His first words, and
he said 'Big Momma. '
Hey, the kid talked! Excellent!
- I am so proud of you.
- Stake out.
- What did you say?
- Stake out.
- What?
- Investigate.
- This is really not good.
- Turner.
Oh, my God. This is not good.
- F.B.-
- Oh!
We don't want him to use up
all his words on the first day.
Wait, Big Momma. I wanna hear what
he has to say. What did you say?
Bingo!
Bingo!
Yes! Yes! Were back in.
Were back in.
- Oh.
- Wow. Great.
- Uh
- Yeah?
Yeah, I'll be right down.
What? Tom, no. Your son
just spoke his first words.
- Tell your boss you cant come in.
- I don't have a choice.
Well, fine. Were gonna stay
here and keep playing though.
- Suit yourself.
- Malcolm, we still don't have the password.
You've gotta get it,
and you gotta get it now.
Mr. Fuller, wait. Can you
carry me to prayer meetin'?
It's at that church right by your office.
Church by my office? Are you sure?
I think I know my own church!
No, no, no. Hey, we
gotta follow in the van.
- What are we gonna do about all these dogs?
- Well bring 'em back in an hour.
Just tie em down or
something, and let's go.
- Oh, God.
- Oh! Ew!
Who was that? Was that?
Mona? Mona, was that you?
Oooh.
- That's a nice family you got back there.
- Yeah.
The reason I point it out- Because I'm not
sure you're around enough to notice.
Okay, I deserve that.
My dad worked all the time
too. Hardly ever saw the man.
I swore that I was gonna be different,
but, uh, its easier than I thought.
- What?
- Working.
I'm good at what I do. Real good.
I know all the answers.
Well, at least I used to.
- Used to? - You think you
have all the bases covered-
...that you're invulnerable.
Then one day someone comes
along who knows where to lean.
Are you sure this is your church?
I know my own-
Of course it is. I'm half Jewish.
You got a problem with
that? You anti- Semitic-
Hey, hey, hey. No, no. Of
course not. Everything's cool.
That's some nice bling you got on there.
Oh, its a class ring. Oklahoma.
But I thought you said
you went to Princeton.
It was my fathers. For all that
work, this is all that's left.
- Well, thanks for the ride.
- Yeah.
All right. Bye-bye.
- L chaim.
- Shalom.
L chaim.
Uh, yeah.
- Where you at? - Thank God.
Thank God you're alive. Where-
- I got it. Sooners.
- What?
His dad, his ring. Just
tell Stewart to try it.
Try 'Sooners. '
S- O- O-N-E-R- S.
I'm in!
- Oh, no.
- 'Oh, no'?
The password got us in the door,
and then the walls came down.
It's like a booby trap. We're stuck.
- How about the satellite?
- That'll work.
Call Morales. Tell her well need tech
support and a full tactical package.
- Pick me up on the way.
- Where you at?
I'm at temple.
Oh, temple. Well, Shabbat shalom.
Lets go.
- What's happening?
- We've got access to all Agenda security camera feeds.
- Were in.
- Okay. Where's Fuller?
He and Casal are still in Fullers office.
We're hooked into the surveillance cameras.
- So if he moves, well know about it.
- Good.
Hey, Stewart! I thought you were some kind
of genius. How long is this gonna take?
What do you think I'm tryin'
to do here? Get free HBO?
This stuff s hard. Give me some room.
- Hello?
- Big Momma, is that you?
Oh, course it is. Where are you?
Listen. I'm at this
club called The Zone.
And I'm really scared right now.
Can you please come and help me?
- Molly?
- What's wrong?
- She's in some kind of trouble.
- What? Who?
- Wait. What are you doing?
- I gotta go.
- What the hell are you talkin about?
- Look.
I promised that child that
I would be there for her.
You're not going anywhere,
and that's an order!
Well, that's an order I can't follow.
Turner! Turner, you are on thin ice!
We are in the middle
of this investigation!
What do you care about
some bratty teenager anyway?
Don't nobody mess with
Big Momma's babies. Nobody!
Excuse me. Pardon me.
Um, excuse me. Pardon me.
Excuse me. Thank you. Pardon me. Molly?
Excuse me, darlin', but
that's my leg you're humpin'...
Ooh, young people just so nasty today!
You wanna back up off this girl...
...fore I knock the taste out your mouth.
Molly, what are you doin here anyway?
This is not the way you were raised.
I know. I know. But I got
a text message from Chad.
- Chad? Oh, Lord! - He
said to meet him here-
You know what? You and Chad are
gonna run my blood pressure up.
- Molly!
- Hey, where have you been? I got really scared.
Molly, I came here as soon as you called.
I swear I didn't send you a message.
I mean, I've never even
heard of this place.
- What?
- Wait a minute.
If you didn't send the
message, then who did?
Oh, wow. That's
- That guy works for my dad.
What's he doing here?
Molly, he's after you.
- Chad, I need you to run and get some help.
- All right.
Molly, I gotta get you out of here as fast
as possible. Come on, Molly. Excuse me.
Comin through.
Oh, God!
Is this what you do? Beat up
on children and old ladies?
Mmm. Go.
I don't understand. What's
happening? What did I do?
Look, I'll explain everything to you later.
But for right now, watch out. I'm rollin'!
No! Ugh!
- I cant feel my legs.
- Oh, sorry. Oh!
Oh, no! Oh!
Ooh!
Oh, God, this is not
how I imagined my death.
- Oh! Oh!
- Oh, God!
So get this. He's not really 19.
- Hmm?
- Chad.
It's a fake I.D. He told me last night.
He said he didn't want
any more lies between us.
Like his earring? Fake.
The three months he said he spent
in juvie, he was at math camp.
I guess people aren't always what
- what you think they are.
- Yeah, like you.
- Me?
Yeah. I didn't think you'd turn
out to be such a good friend.
Oh.
They're gone. Now I need your help.
Um, I got a
- I got a blade in my girdle.
Wait. Okay, you carry a gun?
And you keep a blade in your
girdle? What's that about?
Um, to protect my virtue.
Does it really need
that much protecting?
Would you just get over here? Come on.
Ah, that would be our
buyer. Right on time.
Since you never really bought into our
little project, precautions had to be taken.
- What do you mean?
- We have your daughter, Molly.
Bastard!
Call the F.B.I. Ask for a woman
by the name of Morales, okay?
And stay on the line so
they can trace the call. Go.
Very nice.
But, uh, were not through, are we?
No, were not.
I'm afraid his contract had
a 'no loose ends' clause.
No. No, no, no. Please listen.
Please. Look, I promise I wont say
anything. I swear. I won't say anything.
What is that?
Is that your nanny?
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- How did you learn to do that?
- I took a class at the Y.M.C.A.
Look, lets go. Come on.
That must be some 'Y'.
Sorry. Sorry.
That was,
uh- I mean-
- You just need to stay out of sight.
- Yeah.
- Stay out of sight!
- I will. Yeah. Yeah.
Wow. She's like the best nanny ever.
Oh, my God.
I knew that thong would come in handy.
Whoa!
Big Momma? Big Momma, you okay?
Tom, no loose ends.
Lets go. Secure the area!
- Big Momma? Big Momma?
- Go to the left. Up! Up!
Stand back. Stand back.
I'm going to have to
perform... Mouth-to-mouth.
The hell you are! What, are you crazy?
Whoa. Whoa! Oh!
Okay, this explains so much.
I believe this was meant for you.
- So you're,
uh... F.B.I.
Before you guys get too
comfortable over here, cuff him.
Whoa, whoa. Um, they
forced him to do it.
They told him if he didn't
do it, they'd kill his family.
So, in your report-
I'll say he was an unwilling
participant to the whole thing.
So no charges should be filed.
No charges?
Okay. I guess I owe you that much.
- All right.
- Good job, Turner.
Thank you.
She said good job.
Um, thank you. Thank you
for standing up for me.
What makes you think
- Look.
I didn't do it for you, okay?
I did it so your kids wouldn't
spend the next 20 years...
- Talking to you through a prison phone.
- I know.
I know I've got a lot of ground to
make up with them, and I swear I will.
Good.
So, looks like were gonna have
to find ourselves a new nanny.
Not quite yet.
I got one more promise to keep.
Dad!
Well! Well, I hope
you girls are ready...
...cause I came to see a show.
Big Momma, we got a problem!
Miss Lisa was our base. Without
a base, we cant do any stunts.
What did you do to
yourself? Lord, have-
Well, no worries. No worries.
Were gonna turn it out. Come on.
And now, the junior cheer
squad from the Newport District.
Lets give it up for Emerson!
Whoo!
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
- What?
- Andrew, no!
Hi, Big Momma.
- Ooh.
- That was fun!
Lets do it again.
It hurts me to leave
without saying good-bye...
...but I best be movin' on.
...when I came to you, my heart was heavy.
It's a loud, noisy world we live in...
...and sometimes we lose our way.
But if were lucky...
...the good Lord sends
someone to bring us home.
Make no never mind about it.
Loving people is hard work.
And families-
With all those lives mixin' together...
...it gets kinda scary.
But if we grab hold of
each other and hold on-
There's nothin' more
beautiful in the world.
You angels are my heart,
and I'll never forget you.
And keep a lookout.
You never know when
Big Momma might be back.