Bigfoot Horror Camp (2017) Movie Script
1
(jungle sounds)
(fun jungle music begins)
(dramatic electronic music)
What was that?
That wasn't you?
No, I don't growl, asshole.
Go check it out.
It came from over there.
(playful keyboard music)
Hey, whatever
happened to women's lib?
Keep walking while
you're squawking.
Yeah, babe,
there's nothing here.
Keep looking,
Captain Chivalry.
Nothing here.
(giggling)
Ooh, shake that moneymaker.
Oh, you like that, huh?
(giggling)
Yeah, that's what
I'm talkin' about.
Yeah, we're fine.
(growling)
Oh my gosh!
What?
Keep running!
(growling)
The last time I used
it, I never missed.
And I wasn't tired at all.
After all, the most important...
Look who's here!
Burt!
Hi, Dana.
Oh, what a surprise!
You haven't changed a bit.
You're as handsome as ever.
And you're looking lovely.
Take your hands off that girl
or you're a dead man.
Robert, how's everything?
Great, how are you?
Better keep an eye
on your sister, buddy.
She's no little girl anymore.
Oh, stop teasing me.
I can look after myself.
Tomorrow I'm hunting big game.
What animal are you hunting?
- Sacred monkeys.
- Oh?
I never heard of them.
What are they?
It's an old native legend.
There're supposed to be some
kind of sacred wild monkey,
somewhere out there.
It stays in the forbidden
part of the jungle,
forbidden to white men.
But you will take me, Robert.
I mean, you promised
to let me come along,
as long as Dad doesn't
find out where we're going.
He made me swear never to go
near that part of the jungle.
Is that the way
you keep your word?
[Dana] I had my
fingers crossed.
Burt.
Why don't you come with us?
It'll be a hell of a lot of fun.
No thanks.
Firearms make me sick.
You've changed,
like everything else,
including Dad's place.
You mean there's nobody around
who can begin
brawling like I did?
It's very serious now,
ever since you soldiers left.
Have any of the old
bunch been around here?
(funky oldies music)
[Man] That's when
you both ran off?
Yep.
You say you got a
good look at our perp?
Well, I mean, Heather did.
I was, I was basically like...
I mean, sort of.
Well, Joe was too busy
shoving me out the way,
so neither of us got
a good glance at him.
I was too busy leading
the way, out of danger,
so that you were not hurt.
Yeah, I'm sure
you did, hot shot.
I'm gonna make out a report.
Here, take my card.
If you hear or see anything,
call us right away.
In the meantime, put
some damn clothes on.
Well officer, this
is a nudist colony.
That's right, detective.
Maybe you should take
off your clothes.
Not in this lifetime, sister.
The human body is
sacred and very dirty.
It's a temple for sinners,
unless of course you're married.
Whatever you say, boss.
Oh, damn it!
I left my phone
down in the woods.
(seductive guitar music)
Well, Lucia, it looks like
it's just you and me again.
I guess so.
(giggling)
[Narrator] He took me
to what Indians called the
Land of Petrified Wood.
There, carved in rock were
drawings of a creature
with big hands and big feet,
exactly as I had heard
Bigfoot described.
The drawings were 700 years old.
They told how creatures the
Indians called stick men
had come in the night and
stolen the Indian children.
The Indians abandoned
the village in fear.
(mysterious music)
My head was reeling
with Bigfoot.
I came to bring my
wonderful husband lunch.
How was your day?
Well, it was going good
until I got called out
to the Circle Double-D's
nudist colony.
A creature of some sort
came out of the woods
and attacked a young couple.
This is really baffling.
Was this some sort of Yeti?
And if so, why was
it attacking people?
Are there really
nude people out there?
As far as the eyes
could see, my love.
Oh my.
I mean...
It's against my better
judgment, but pack your bags.
We're gonna go up there
and find out firsthand
if this thing exists.
We're going to the Double-D?
Yes, but we won't
take off our clothes.
But honey, it's
a nudist colony.
Well alright, Mary,
but we can't enjoy
it, understand?
I promise.
[Narrator] To those who cried,
"For Bigfoot to
exist goes against
"every bit of scientific
data known to man,"
I could now say, "How much
more there is to know."
I felt close to the adventurers
who'd left their calling
cards at Watson Lake
as they crossed into the Yukon,
and even closer to those
who'd made a similar journey
at the turn of the century.
With so many pouring into the
Yukon during the Gold Rush,
it's no surprise there'd
be such a rich source
of stories about Bigfoot.
They were bright, and
traveling was good.
Then, the snow turned red.
(dramatic music)
To the north, south,
east, and west,
rivers of blood
flowed across the sky
and down into the snows.
It seemed to be the
last day of the world.
Bigfoot was punishing us
for bringing its sorrow.
But then, the good white
light rose from the north.
What followed was a
battle of 1,000 warriors.
White light was the
spirit of Bigfoot,
left to die by the trapper.
It'd returned in the
form of a white raven,
to protect us from the red wrath
of its grieving brothers.
If you travel the
river, you may see him.
And if you do, he
will bring you luck.
(funky synth music)
Ahem, Earth to Mary.
Sorry.
Where were we?
You were just undressing
that guy with your eyes.
Well, not necessary.
Wow.
Yeah, actually, we should
take our clothes off.
Oh, I don't know, Mary.
It just doesn't seem...
Hi, welcome to the Circle
Double-D nudist colony.
May I help you with
your belongings?
You won't be needing them.
(funky synth music)
You're welcome.
I live to serve.
I'll remember that.
Hey, you're blocking my view.
Let's go.
(smooth tropical music)
It's great.
[Robert] It sure is.
Oh look.
(elephants trumpeting)
Well, I'm glad we're
not hunting elephants.
I'll bet you are.
Next time, maybe.
(elephants trumpeting)
It's so exciting.
(chuckling)
You know, I can hardly
wait to find out
if there really is
a sacred monkey.
I already told
you, it's a legend.
Just one of many.
Anyhow, I think we'd better
stay on the beaten path.
Oh, do you really
think there's any danger?
Of course not, but
that's beside the point.
The truth is, there's no
sense in driving all that way
just to shoot at a legend.
You're awful, Robert.
Shooting ordinary game
isn't any fun at all.
I mean, everyone loves
doing something unusual.
Look, a pair of lions!
[Robert] They didn't even
condescend to look at us.
(chuckling)
(smooth tropical music)
[Narrator] There was a
statue carved in redwood.
Its image was based on
hundreds of sightings
collected over the years.
And it was exactly like the
creature I had seen myself.
(mysterious music)
Oh, darling.
I was scoping out that
path leading to the woods.
I think I'm gonna follow
it and see where it goes.
Oh yeah, I'll try one, thanks.
Try one?
What are you talking about?
Um, well, if I get cold
I'll just put a coat on.
I think the sun
is getting to you.
You're not making
any sense, Mary.
Okay, I see you'll be fine.
Where were we?
Well, I was telling
you about the time
that I saw the monster.
Right.
But I think she was talking
about Mike the maintenance guy.
Ooh, I've got my
own monster story.
Mike was way deep in my unit.
[Woman] In your unit, you say?
Really?
Way, way deep,
if you must know.
Well, if it's the guy I
saw in the office today,
then he's definitely the
right guy for the job.
I saw about that.
[Women] Hi, Mike.
(funky electronic music)
Should've taken a dip with us.
Oh, I would have.
But you see, I
couldn't leave the bar.
Besides, it looks like you girls
got on just fine without me.
[Mary] Bye, babe.
We'll see you later.
Are you thirsty?
That's somebody else's drink.
Yeah, but I poured it.
And it's really more hungry
than thirsty, really.
I haven't eaten breakfast
since 6:30 this morning.
And breakfast wasn't
really that big,
when you think about it.
I mean, I'm a growing boy.
And French toast, a
little creme fraiche,
and some pastries, of course.
And then, you know, you
got a little fruit platter.
Coffee was good, but it really
wasn't a latte of any kind.
It was just a
small black coffee.
And then the tater
tots were nice,
and eggs, but not scrambled.
A little bit of cheese...
Don't you ever shut up?
I'm totally coming
onto you here.
(gentle tropical music)
Look at that.
Shotguns are loaded.
(gentle tropical music)
Crocodile, how about it?
Let's see what you can do.
(gunshot)
Gotta hit the eye.
Better luck next time.
I wish that it was
me in there swimming.
(gentle tropical music)
(dissonant electronic music)
(dramatic music)
(hissing)
(growling)
(playful jazz music)
Good God.
Help me, please.
We've gotta get
you out of here.
No, no, no.
Let's go.
(dramatic electronic music)
(growling)
(dramatic music)
(screaming)
Put me down.
No.
You'll never get away with this.
(Bigfoot grunting)
What are you doing?
Are you trying to make me dance?
Well, why didn't you just
say that, you big oaf?
(funky dance music)
(rhythmic exotic music)
[Narrator] It happened
two million years ago.
(gentle dramatic music)
In steaming swamps and
prehistoric jungles.
(birds squawking)
The earliest manlike
creature walked the Earth.
Not human, more beast than man.
A monster of evolution.
(birds squawking)
It walked across
the eons of time,
slowly changing, becoming
more and more human,
more and more advanced.
These initial
discoveries were made
mostly in the snowbound
regions of the world,
parts of Alaska, Canada,
most often by mountaineering
expeditions in the Himalayas.
(bright dramatic music)
Now, this man was a
professional photographer,
as well as an educated
scientific investigator
and mountaineer.
The giant footprints
in the snow,
photographed by Stapleton,
were published by
newspapers around the world.
For the first time,
the public came to know
of the existence of a
giant, manlike monster
which actually exists
in the Himalayas.
A monster known as
Yeti or Bigfoot.
Within two years, the
reports of giant footprints
deep within the wilderness
areas of the world
spread from the Himalayas
into North American itself.
(dishes clanking)
Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
Oh no, no, it's
completely my fault.
I'm such a klutz.
You are not a klutz.
If anything, you're an
amazingly beautiful woman.
That is what you are.
I am?
Yes, you are.
And in fact...
If you'll follow
me to the boudoir,
I'd be happy to show
you just how, um,
amazingly beautiful you are.
I don't know if
that's such a good idea.
I mean...
(playful keyboard music)
(smooth synth music)
(birds tweeting)
Wow, I forget how
beautiful it is up here.
You know, Bon?
You know, I never
thought I'd say this,
but it is a pretty cool place.
Yeah.
My parents used
to take me up here
while I was at State.
I used to hate it back then
because it meant
I had to be away
from Danny Jackson
for five weeks.
Ooh, I screwed Danny...
I mean, who?
You know, he was
president of his fraternity.
He sat next to you in sociology?
Sorry, not ringing a bell.
Yeah, right.
Okay, well, what can I say?
You were gone for the summer,
and we were at a party.
And as they say,
the rest is history.
I can't believe you did that.
What?
It was like 100 years
ago, so who cares?
Anyways, what about
Bobby Lockhart?
Who?
Oh, don't play dumb with me.
Yeah, that was awkward.
Well, let's face it,
we both made mistakes.
I agree.
We're both a couple of sluts.
Yeah.
(dramatic synth music)
(Bigfoot growling)
Oh my god, what was that?
I think I just saw something.
Let's get out of here.
(dramatic synth music)
(playful music)
[Narrator] Well, I
was out of patience
and I was out of money.
So I took a job up
in the wilderness,
around Bossburg, Washington.
Had to photograph a cinnamon
bear in its natural habitat.
You want a bear?
Here's a bear.
Piece of cake.
I always got what I set after...
Except Bigfoot.
Then I saw it,
a deformed version of the
track I'd seen so often.
(mysterious music)
There it was.
Finally, face-to-face
with Bigfoot.
Here was the domed head, just
as others had described it.
The thick, dark fur to protect
it from extremes of weather,
and allow it to pass
unnoticed in the night.
I saw it, photographed it,
but scientists
challenged my film.
Yet it stood up under
every conceivable test.
Some reveal rugged terrain
as the cause of
the skinned heels,
polio as the cause of the limp.
But my documented evidence
wasn't good enough
for the experts,
expects who still asked,
"How could such a
creature survive?
"Where does it live?
"Show us its remains.
"What does it eat?"
Experts who challenged my word
but claimed credit for my film,
and profited by it
on lecture circuits.
Now I didn't care
for these people,
but I was haunted
by their questions.
(playful music)
Where am I?
You're at Double-D.
You're safe now.
You saved me?
Anyway, we need
to get going, okay?
Wait, where's Tina?
Who?
My friend.
I came with my friend Tina.
Where is she?
I don't know.
You were the only
person when I got here,
so I mean...
Oh my God, the monster.
What monster?
No, we need to get
out of here right now.
(dramatic synth music)
(motor humming)
(water bubbling)
(helicopter whirring)
How are you feeling?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't see you.
You didn't see me, Miss Dana?
Uh, no?
Really?
Well...
I think maybe you did.
I didn't see anything.
I think we're in
the clear, for now.
- Are we?
- Yeah.
[Dana] Then why don't
you lean a little closer?
(gentle guitar music)
[Narrator] Now I understood
why Bigfoot steered
clear of man.
He had to,
in order to survive.
However vicious the
creature might be,
I gained a lot of respect
for the elusive Bigfoot
and its ability to endure.
But if we were to find it,
we'd have to get to the furthest
outpost of civilization.
(gentle music)
When we ran out of road,
we saw the remnants
of the old pioneers
giving way to the
machinery of the new.
Thousands were now pouring
back up to the new gold rush.
(birds tweeting)
There's something moving.
Oh, it's a python.
Don't kill it.
(smooth synth music)
(funky exotic music)
(screaming)
(dramatic music)
Please let me go.
(upbeat dance music)
Are you alright?
I think so.
He grabbed me by the pool.
What does he want?
He wants us to do
a pole dance for him.
Keep dreaming, buddy.
You're forgetting,
we are tied up to a pole here.
Well, I don't see
dollar bills anywhere.
Dollar bills?
I was thinking for twenties.
When you get right
down to it, though,
it's actually kind of fun.
- Really?
- Yeah, watch.
(rhythmic exotic music)
Ah, excellent.
One of our visitors.
The sacred monkey, no less,
captured by one of her sons.
(woman screaming)
Come out.
Look, they're gonna obey you.
Now they only take
orders from me.
You see?
You'll find out, they won't
listen to you anymore.
Soon you, too, will
obey when I command.
(siren buzzing)
Malek.
First, I see you
got away from Turk.
Listen Burt, you'll have to do
what I tell you to do for once.
I've been hunting the
sacred monkey for a year,
and I don't intend
to lose her now.
When I want something,
I take it and I keep it forever.
(gunshot)
Not this time, Albert.
This time you've
finally lost the game.
You're really punctual, Burt.
You're never late
for an appointment.
You arrive within
the 10 minutes.
Fast work, Burt.
But I haven't lost the game yet,
as you'll soon find out.
- Look out, Burt.
- What do you mean?
The animatronic brain.
Shoot the light on the panel!
Malek, hold him!
Burt, shoot the light.
(gunshots)
(dissonant squealing)
(rhythmic exotic music)
(Bigfoot growling)
What was that?
(upbeat country music)
(Bigfoot growling)
Stay back.
No, come untie us.
What's going on here?
I don't know.
All I know is every
time I hear music
and chicks do pole
dances for me,
I feel very human.
Oh really?
What's your name?
Jonah Trout.
Not from the Trout family?
That's right.
I heard you were dead.
Well, it's been so
long since I got laid,
I may as well be.
Sounds to me as if that
curse has been lifted.
You know, I
think you're right.
[Narrator] Then, a
movement in the woods.
The sun hadn't come up yet.
It was hard to make out
what I'd seen at first.
(mysterious dissonant music)
(leaves crunching)
There he was, Bigfoot,
standing no more than
100 yards from my blind.
I began to shake all over.
I could barely keep
hold of my camera.
He was awesome.
(mysterious music)
Then, behind me, another one,
smaller, possibly younger.
How many of them were there?
Was I surrounded?
They were the most extraordinary
creatures I'd ever seen.
I now knew why the
Eskimos called Bigfoot
the king of the animals.
The older, larger one
was seven feet tall,
450 to 500 pounds,
his domed head and
long, dark hair
just like the other
creatures I'd seen.
His odor was overwhelming,
the same thick, musky scent
that first led me to
Bigfoot so long ago.
The young one was no more than
five-and-a-half feet tall,
250 pounds.
If my guess was right,
probably on its first trip
away from its northern
breeding grounds.
He'd probably never
seen a man before.
If he saw me, he could
panic and attack.
Here I was again with Bigfoot,
unchallengeable proof
my theory had worked.
It is a migratory animal,
and I now have the documentations
of its habits I needed.
Now we can begin to
understand the place
this creature holds in nature.
(dramatic orchestral music)
I once again said goodbye
to this mysterious creature
that has somehow outlived
its natural role,
endured the tests of time,
now left to wander
the land elusively,
with a strange will to survive.
(rhythmic synth music)
Oh, I still have
plenty of questions,
and I'll continue my
search for the answers now.
But I assure you,
I'll no longer get so caught up
in the problems of my research
that I'll lose touch with
the wonders it reveals.
Is that you my
prince charming?
You expecting someone else?
(laughing)
Oh no, never.
You look amazing baby.
But can I make one suggestion?
Sure.
(laughing)
I had a feeling that
would be your suggestion.
Can you guess my next one?
Can you guess mine?
(mysterious electronic music)
Check our coordinates
to base Orion.
Compare figures with
signal direction.
[Man] Angle alpha
37, angle alpha 12,
velocity 600 miles per second.
[Woman] Signal's
in direction course,
power signal's constant.
[Woman] Exact coordinate
signal, exact direction,
course confirmed.
(mysterious electronic music)
(electronic beeping)
This is Galactic Explorer 69.
My landing was successful.
Very well 69.
For the sake of the Earthlings
I will call you Serena
while you're on their planet.
As you wish oh
supreme mistress.
May I now learn the
reason of my travels?
Very well, you must preceded
to the nearest populace.
Once there you
have 24 Earth hours
to engage in their sex secrets.
The knowledge that you bring
back to Deltron is imperative.
Without it our civilization
will not survive
another light year.
I do not understand.
Don't stop for the
next 24 Earth hours.
Oh I like that.
This is Serena signing off.
(mysterious electronic music)
(cheering)
(electronic music)
Who are you?
I'm Serena, I come in peace.
Is this some kind of joke?
What is a joke?
It's nothing.
I'm Mark and this
is my friend Cindy.
Your friend?
Nice outfit by the way.
Thank you.
That was a joke.
Another joke?
Do you Earthlings do this a lot?
Yes we do Serena.
So where do you come from?
I come from Deltron, third
planet in the first galaxy.
It is outside your solar system.
(laughing)
Of course it is.
So like what are
you doing here?
I've come to learn
from you Earthlings.
Okay that's it this chick's
crazy I'm calling 911.
Is that another joke?
Hold on let's just play
along it's gonna be fun.
So Serena do you have
any special powers or?
Special powers?
Yeah like can you
make yourself disappear?
Hmm, I cannot do
that, but I can do this.
- Whoa.
- Whoa.
- That's unbelievable.
- That's amazing.
May I begin learning now?
I don't know may she?
Why the hell not? Sure.
Really?
Yeah.
It's a woman's prerogative
to change minds.
That's why I love you babe.
(dance music)
(spaceship droning)
Oh this is an emergency
I must take this.
Oh.
(electronic beeping)
Serena sorry to
keep you waiting,
but my servants were
misbehaving again
and I had to teach
them a lesson.
Oh you're the best teacher
I know supreme mistress.
Too bad it doesn't
result in procreation.
Oh you're so kind.
I just called to report back.
I've engaged the Earthlings
in sexual intercourse
and it seems to be
quite gratifying.
In fact it's extremely exciting.
That's good news Serena and
are you learning anything?
Oh yes I've learned
this thing called joking,
but I haven't quite
figured it out yet.
Is that all you've learned?
I've also learned
that the male species
has something that
greatly resembles
our communication devices.
Do you mean our dildometer?
Yes, only there's
are much larger.
Interesting,
I couldn't imagine why they
would need to be larger.
Until this morning supreme
mistress neither could I.
Well keep up the good work
and get back to me when
you've learned more.
Serena signing off.
(spaceship droning)
What's going on in here?
(laughing)
Oh nothing.
I heard voices.
But it is only I, how
could there be voices?
I don't know.
How did you make the
clothes disappear?
Anyway I need to clean up,
I need to use the shower.
Oh is this clean up
another one of those jokes?
Are you for real?
Yes I believe I am.
Is this liquid used in clean up?
Do you want to find out?
I'll show you.
(laughing)
(wind blowing)
[Man] Range one,
oh, eight, two,
angle of elevation 13 degrees.
Direction alpha, 19
degrees, 10 seconds from now
target reaches coordinates,
minus nine, eight, seven, six...
Guess who.
I don't know give me a hint.
Oh my god Mark you're
driving me crazy.
(slow rock music)
What are you doing here?
Ted left 10 minutes ago.
I know he's at my place.
I told him I was
gonna get some booze.
- Stop it we can't.
- Are you sure?
- I hate you.
- No you don't.
You're damn right
I don't, come here.
(birds chirping)
I want to get laid.
I thought you screwed
that bouncer last night?
You know the one
you have a crush on?
I did but that was
like 12 hours ago.
God Jen you are such a slut.
I don't know Tina
I think Jen just has a
really healthy libido.
(laughing)
Oh yeah now you're talking.
Let's call for some pizza.
I'd love to get my hands
on that delivery boy.
Boy being the operative word.
He's like 16 years old.
He's 18, his
birthday was last week,
and I told him that
when he was legal
I had a present for him.
Oh so you're ordering sausage.
You better believe it and
I'm getting some pizza too.
(laughing)
(phone ringing)
Maybe that's Armando.
His name's Armando.
He sounds hot, I think
we'll all order some sausage.
I gotta get this first guys.
Hello, oh hi Cindy.
Yeah.
That sounds good, I'm just
around the corner in my place.
I'm with Allie and Tina.
Okay, we'll bring
some tequila over
and we'll be there soon.
That was Cindy, she
invited us to her party,
her and Mark's place.
Oh Mark.
I know, speaking of sausage.
[Man] Red alert
satellite in sector H
has ceased its function.
Son of a bitch,
she wasn't kidding.
[Man] Red alert, satellite
in sector H has ceased...
(rock music)
- Hey ladies.
- Oh.
- Hi.
- Hi sausage,
- I mean Mark.
- I don't get it.
Sorry, Sidney just likes
to talk when she's drunk.
Anyway you're not going to
believe what I just found.
What?
A spaceship.
Have we started
drinking a little early?
I'm serious.
- What?
- I'll show you.
Oh, oh.
It's right over in the field.
The spaceship, his, "hey
you all, the spaceship."
It's the spaceship.
- Oh.
- The spaceship.
We gotta go find a bathroom.
- I'll go, hey I'll go.
- We'll see you later.
I'll go.
See I told you.
That can't be real.
I don't think so.
There's this chick
at our place, Serena,
she was sent from
another planet.
You think I'm crazy don't you?
No.
'Cause it's true,
you'll meet her.
Okay, well I'm a
little disappointed then
because I thought you lured me
here to take advantage of me
and now I see
there's a real ship.
Well I mean the spaceship
was the one thing I
wanted to show you.
Oh really well
let's go check it out.
(thudding)
How did you know
how to get in here?
I just hit the side of
the door and it opened up.
Well, since we're here maybe
we should make the most of it.
I like that idea.
(electronic dance music)
Uh-huh.
(suspenseful orchestral music)
- Hi y'all.
- Hola.
(laughing)
Hey girls.
Have you guys seen Tina?
My guess is she's just
finishing up with lunch.
(laughing) Sausage I believe.
That would be my guess.
Oh well I hope
we see her soon.
That's a good chance.
Chances are excellent.
Cin, introduce
us to your friend.
This is Serena, she's from...
Deltron, the third
planet in the first galaxy.
It's outside our universe.
She's been sent here.
That's nice.
Wow.
Ted did you get in
on any of this action?
Oh yeah, she's unbelievable
and that's no joke.
I really do not
understand this joking.
Oh, that's okay, you're
perfect just the way you are.
Thank you Earthling Ted.
(laughing)
Isn't she adorable, I
mean I'm Earthling Ted,
isn't that great?
Anyway, anyone want a drink?
- No I'm good.
- No thanks.
- No?
- No thank you.
So Cin did you get in
on any of this Ted action?
Yeah we had an
amazing three way.
So what about Ted?
Well if you're asking me
what I think you're asking me
Mark and Ted they're
a lot a like.
Ted is more like
his big brother.
That's all I need to hear.
Hey Ted I think I'll take one
of those drinks after all.
(laughing)
Hey.
Hey.
Did you say you wanted a drink?
Yeah I did, please.
Here you go.
I think you know what
I actually really meant.
Oh, you want,
you wanted a drink.
Yeah.
Oh.
[Man] Target
reaches coordinates.
- Three, two, one.
- Fire.
(electronic whooshing)
(rumbling)
It's trying to get away, fire.
(whooshing)
How about that
eh? Yeah. (laughing)
On target.
[Man] Damage to drive section,
reactor water tank empty.
(dramatic music)
Hey honey look who I ran into.
Right.
Anyway guess what I
found, Serena's space ship.
You didn't destroy it did you?
Of course not.
Good because I must leave
in less than 24 Earth hours.
But we were just
getting to know you.
Mark if the alien
chick says she has to go
she has to go.
But we were having
so much fun together.
I think we've been having
a little too much fun
if you catch my drift.
(laughing)
Sounds like someone's jealous.
Jealous?
I have these puppies.
Do I look like I
need to be jealous?
Ooh.
(whistling)
[Cindy] Damn
straight girlfriend.
Allie just let her go,
just let her cool off.
When she gets like this, best
thing is let her cool off.
Well I just want to
make sure she's alright.
Wow that must have been
some drink. (laughing)
Looks like Ted
slipped you a mickey.
Oh hi everybody.
Who's the hot chick?
Tell her, better yet
show her your little trick.
As you wish.
[Woman] Oh my god
how did you do that?
(dramatic music)
I think maybe you're
overreacting Cin.
Either way that space
girl's leaving soon
and you won't have to
ever deal with her.
I'm not worried
about that Allie.
Mark and I we're in
an open relationship.
That's good.
No it's not, I hate it.
The only reason why
I went along with it
is because that's
what Mark wanted.
Didn't you screw Ted earlier?
Sometimes it does
have its benefits.
You mean like now?
Now I'd like to play a game
that we play on my planet
that I believe all
you Earthlings know
called spin the bottle.
- Oh me?
- Mmhmm.
Why would you want
me to spin your bottle?
(mysterious whooshing)
Ted you have kiss Serena.
Damn, I mean that's
it, I mean, I mean.
- Hey guys.
- Hey.
Can we play?
- Oh yeah.
- Yeah of course,
more the merrier.
Yeah, can I get the next spin?
(explosion booming)
Caller's base communicates
a strong explosion
in the sector H,
F, two, oh, three
and the zone is not
isolated any longer.
The radar sentries report
that no flying objects
have left Earth's orbit
while an aviation scout
has seen large metal segments
scattered here and there
on the ice field.
I'm afraid I must
go now Earthling Mark.
My time's not up here but I've
learned all I need to know.
Do you really have to go?
The fate of my
people depends on it.
Well I hope your stay here
helped you a little bit.
It most definitely has.
Oh good.
Maybe you can teach
the Deltron men
whatever they need to learn
so that you can save
your civilization.
Oh there are no men
on Deltron, only women.
Only women?
Yes Earthling Mark.
Do they look like you?
Oh no.
Oh.
Oh they are much more
beautiful than I am.
Is that right?
Yes.
Do you know you
never really showed me
the inside of your spaceship.
Would you like to see it?
I'd love to.
(electronic music)
Nice.
So my only question
is do we have sex here
or on our way to Deltron?
[Man] Message
received, over and out.
(dance music)
(jungle sounds)
(fun jungle music begins)
(dramatic electronic music)
What was that?
That wasn't you?
No, I don't growl, asshole.
Go check it out.
It came from over there.
(playful keyboard music)
Hey, whatever
happened to women's lib?
Keep walking while
you're squawking.
Yeah, babe,
there's nothing here.
Keep looking,
Captain Chivalry.
Nothing here.
(giggling)
Ooh, shake that moneymaker.
Oh, you like that, huh?
(giggling)
Yeah, that's what
I'm talkin' about.
Yeah, we're fine.
(growling)
Oh my gosh!
What?
Keep running!
(growling)
The last time I used
it, I never missed.
And I wasn't tired at all.
After all, the most important...
Look who's here!
Burt!
Hi, Dana.
Oh, what a surprise!
You haven't changed a bit.
You're as handsome as ever.
And you're looking lovely.
Take your hands off that girl
or you're a dead man.
Robert, how's everything?
Great, how are you?
Better keep an eye
on your sister, buddy.
She's no little girl anymore.
Oh, stop teasing me.
I can look after myself.
Tomorrow I'm hunting big game.
What animal are you hunting?
- Sacred monkeys.
- Oh?
I never heard of them.
What are they?
It's an old native legend.
There're supposed to be some
kind of sacred wild monkey,
somewhere out there.
It stays in the forbidden
part of the jungle,
forbidden to white men.
But you will take me, Robert.
I mean, you promised
to let me come along,
as long as Dad doesn't
find out where we're going.
He made me swear never to go
near that part of the jungle.
Is that the way
you keep your word?
[Dana] I had my
fingers crossed.
Burt.
Why don't you come with us?
It'll be a hell of a lot of fun.
No thanks.
Firearms make me sick.
You've changed,
like everything else,
including Dad's place.
You mean there's nobody around
who can begin
brawling like I did?
It's very serious now,
ever since you soldiers left.
Have any of the old
bunch been around here?
(funky oldies music)
[Man] That's when
you both ran off?
Yep.
You say you got a
good look at our perp?
Well, I mean, Heather did.
I was, I was basically like...
I mean, sort of.
Well, Joe was too busy
shoving me out the way,
so neither of us got
a good glance at him.
I was too busy leading
the way, out of danger,
so that you were not hurt.
Yeah, I'm sure
you did, hot shot.
I'm gonna make out a report.
Here, take my card.
If you hear or see anything,
call us right away.
In the meantime, put
some damn clothes on.
Well officer, this
is a nudist colony.
That's right, detective.
Maybe you should take
off your clothes.
Not in this lifetime, sister.
The human body is
sacred and very dirty.
It's a temple for sinners,
unless of course you're married.
Whatever you say, boss.
Oh, damn it!
I left my phone
down in the woods.
(seductive guitar music)
Well, Lucia, it looks like
it's just you and me again.
I guess so.
(giggling)
[Narrator] He took me
to what Indians called the
Land of Petrified Wood.
There, carved in rock were
drawings of a creature
with big hands and big feet,
exactly as I had heard
Bigfoot described.
The drawings were 700 years old.
They told how creatures the
Indians called stick men
had come in the night and
stolen the Indian children.
The Indians abandoned
the village in fear.
(mysterious music)
My head was reeling
with Bigfoot.
I came to bring my
wonderful husband lunch.
How was your day?
Well, it was going good
until I got called out
to the Circle Double-D's
nudist colony.
A creature of some sort
came out of the woods
and attacked a young couple.
This is really baffling.
Was this some sort of Yeti?
And if so, why was
it attacking people?
Are there really
nude people out there?
As far as the eyes
could see, my love.
Oh my.
I mean...
It's against my better
judgment, but pack your bags.
We're gonna go up there
and find out firsthand
if this thing exists.
We're going to the Double-D?
Yes, but we won't
take off our clothes.
But honey, it's
a nudist colony.
Well alright, Mary,
but we can't enjoy
it, understand?
I promise.
[Narrator] To those who cried,
"For Bigfoot to
exist goes against
"every bit of scientific
data known to man,"
I could now say, "How much
more there is to know."
I felt close to the adventurers
who'd left their calling
cards at Watson Lake
as they crossed into the Yukon,
and even closer to those
who'd made a similar journey
at the turn of the century.
With so many pouring into the
Yukon during the Gold Rush,
it's no surprise there'd
be such a rich source
of stories about Bigfoot.
They were bright, and
traveling was good.
Then, the snow turned red.
(dramatic music)
To the north, south,
east, and west,
rivers of blood
flowed across the sky
and down into the snows.
It seemed to be the
last day of the world.
Bigfoot was punishing us
for bringing its sorrow.
But then, the good white
light rose from the north.
What followed was a
battle of 1,000 warriors.
White light was the
spirit of Bigfoot,
left to die by the trapper.
It'd returned in the
form of a white raven,
to protect us from the red wrath
of its grieving brothers.
If you travel the
river, you may see him.
And if you do, he
will bring you luck.
(funky synth music)
Ahem, Earth to Mary.
Sorry.
Where were we?
You were just undressing
that guy with your eyes.
Well, not necessary.
Wow.
Yeah, actually, we should
take our clothes off.
Oh, I don't know, Mary.
It just doesn't seem...
Hi, welcome to the Circle
Double-D nudist colony.
May I help you with
your belongings?
You won't be needing them.
(funky synth music)
You're welcome.
I live to serve.
I'll remember that.
Hey, you're blocking my view.
Let's go.
(smooth tropical music)
It's great.
[Robert] It sure is.
Oh look.
(elephants trumpeting)
Well, I'm glad we're
not hunting elephants.
I'll bet you are.
Next time, maybe.
(elephants trumpeting)
It's so exciting.
(chuckling)
You know, I can hardly
wait to find out
if there really is
a sacred monkey.
I already told
you, it's a legend.
Just one of many.
Anyhow, I think we'd better
stay on the beaten path.
Oh, do you really
think there's any danger?
Of course not, but
that's beside the point.
The truth is, there's no
sense in driving all that way
just to shoot at a legend.
You're awful, Robert.
Shooting ordinary game
isn't any fun at all.
I mean, everyone loves
doing something unusual.
Look, a pair of lions!
[Robert] They didn't even
condescend to look at us.
(chuckling)
(smooth tropical music)
[Narrator] There was a
statue carved in redwood.
Its image was based on
hundreds of sightings
collected over the years.
And it was exactly like the
creature I had seen myself.
(mysterious music)
Oh, darling.
I was scoping out that
path leading to the woods.
I think I'm gonna follow
it and see where it goes.
Oh yeah, I'll try one, thanks.
Try one?
What are you talking about?
Um, well, if I get cold
I'll just put a coat on.
I think the sun
is getting to you.
You're not making
any sense, Mary.
Okay, I see you'll be fine.
Where were we?
Well, I was telling
you about the time
that I saw the monster.
Right.
But I think she was talking
about Mike the maintenance guy.
Ooh, I've got my
own monster story.
Mike was way deep in my unit.
[Woman] In your unit, you say?
Really?
Way, way deep,
if you must know.
Well, if it's the guy I
saw in the office today,
then he's definitely the
right guy for the job.
I saw about that.
[Women] Hi, Mike.
(funky electronic music)
Should've taken a dip with us.
Oh, I would have.
But you see, I
couldn't leave the bar.
Besides, it looks like you girls
got on just fine without me.
[Mary] Bye, babe.
We'll see you later.
Are you thirsty?
That's somebody else's drink.
Yeah, but I poured it.
And it's really more hungry
than thirsty, really.
I haven't eaten breakfast
since 6:30 this morning.
And breakfast wasn't
really that big,
when you think about it.
I mean, I'm a growing boy.
And French toast, a
little creme fraiche,
and some pastries, of course.
And then, you know, you
got a little fruit platter.
Coffee was good, but it really
wasn't a latte of any kind.
It was just a
small black coffee.
And then the tater
tots were nice,
and eggs, but not scrambled.
A little bit of cheese...
Don't you ever shut up?
I'm totally coming
onto you here.
(gentle tropical music)
Look at that.
Shotguns are loaded.
(gentle tropical music)
Crocodile, how about it?
Let's see what you can do.
(gunshot)
Gotta hit the eye.
Better luck next time.
I wish that it was
me in there swimming.
(gentle tropical music)
(dissonant electronic music)
(dramatic music)
(hissing)
(growling)
(playful jazz music)
Good God.
Help me, please.
We've gotta get
you out of here.
No, no, no.
Let's go.
(dramatic electronic music)
(growling)
(dramatic music)
(screaming)
Put me down.
No.
You'll never get away with this.
(Bigfoot grunting)
What are you doing?
Are you trying to make me dance?
Well, why didn't you just
say that, you big oaf?
(funky dance music)
(rhythmic exotic music)
[Narrator] It happened
two million years ago.
(gentle dramatic music)
In steaming swamps and
prehistoric jungles.
(birds squawking)
The earliest manlike
creature walked the Earth.
Not human, more beast than man.
A monster of evolution.
(birds squawking)
It walked across
the eons of time,
slowly changing, becoming
more and more human,
more and more advanced.
These initial
discoveries were made
mostly in the snowbound
regions of the world,
parts of Alaska, Canada,
most often by mountaineering
expeditions in the Himalayas.
(bright dramatic music)
Now, this man was a
professional photographer,
as well as an educated
scientific investigator
and mountaineer.
The giant footprints
in the snow,
photographed by Stapleton,
were published by
newspapers around the world.
For the first time,
the public came to know
of the existence of a
giant, manlike monster
which actually exists
in the Himalayas.
A monster known as
Yeti or Bigfoot.
Within two years, the
reports of giant footprints
deep within the wilderness
areas of the world
spread from the Himalayas
into North American itself.
(dishes clanking)
Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
Oh no, no, it's
completely my fault.
I'm such a klutz.
You are not a klutz.
If anything, you're an
amazingly beautiful woman.
That is what you are.
I am?
Yes, you are.
And in fact...
If you'll follow
me to the boudoir,
I'd be happy to show
you just how, um,
amazingly beautiful you are.
I don't know if
that's such a good idea.
I mean...
(playful keyboard music)
(smooth synth music)
(birds tweeting)
Wow, I forget how
beautiful it is up here.
You know, Bon?
You know, I never
thought I'd say this,
but it is a pretty cool place.
Yeah.
My parents used
to take me up here
while I was at State.
I used to hate it back then
because it meant
I had to be away
from Danny Jackson
for five weeks.
Ooh, I screwed Danny...
I mean, who?
You know, he was
president of his fraternity.
He sat next to you in sociology?
Sorry, not ringing a bell.
Yeah, right.
Okay, well, what can I say?
You were gone for the summer,
and we were at a party.
And as they say,
the rest is history.
I can't believe you did that.
What?
It was like 100 years
ago, so who cares?
Anyways, what about
Bobby Lockhart?
Who?
Oh, don't play dumb with me.
Yeah, that was awkward.
Well, let's face it,
we both made mistakes.
I agree.
We're both a couple of sluts.
Yeah.
(dramatic synth music)
(Bigfoot growling)
Oh my god, what was that?
I think I just saw something.
Let's get out of here.
(dramatic synth music)
(playful music)
[Narrator] Well, I
was out of patience
and I was out of money.
So I took a job up
in the wilderness,
around Bossburg, Washington.
Had to photograph a cinnamon
bear in its natural habitat.
You want a bear?
Here's a bear.
Piece of cake.
I always got what I set after...
Except Bigfoot.
Then I saw it,
a deformed version of the
track I'd seen so often.
(mysterious music)
There it was.
Finally, face-to-face
with Bigfoot.
Here was the domed head, just
as others had described it.
The thick, dark fur to protect
it from extremes of weather,
and allow it to pass
unnoticed in the night.
I saw it, photographed it,
but scientists
challenged my film.
Yet it stood up under
every conceivable test.
Some reveal rugged terrain
as the cause of
the skinned heels,
polio as the cause of the limp.
But my documented evidence
wasn't good enough
for the experts,
expects who still asked,
"How could such a
creature survive?
"Where does it live?
"Show us its remains.
"What does it eat?"
Experts who challenged my word
but claimed credit for my film,
and profited by it
on lecture circuits.
Now I didn't care
for these people,
but I was haunted
by their questions.
(playful music)
Where am I?
You're at Double-D.
You're safe now.
You saved me?
Anyway, we need
to get going, okay?
Wait, where's Tina?
Who?
My friend.
I came with my friend Tina.
Where is she?
I don't know.
You were the only
person when I got here,
so I mean...
Oh my God, the monster.
What monster?
No, we need to get
out of here right now.
(dramatic synth music)
(motor humming)
(water bubbling)
(helicopter whirring)
How are you feeling?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't see you.
You didn't see me, Miss Dana?
Uh, no?
Really?
Well...
I think maybe you did.
I didn't see anything.
I think we're in
the clear, for now.
- Are we?
- Yeah.
[Dana] Then why don't
you lean a little closer?
(gentle guitar music)
[Narrator] Now I understood
why Bigfoot steered
clear of man.
He had to,
in order to survive.
However vicious the
creature might be,
I gained a lot of respect
for the elusive Bigfoot
and its ability to endure.
But if we were to find it,
we'd have to get to the furthest
outpost of civilization.
(gentle music)
When we ran out of road,
we saw the remnants
of the old pioneers
giving way to the
machinery of the new.
Thousands were now pouring
back up to the new gold rush.
(birds tweeting)
There's something moving.
Oh, it's a python.
Don't kill it.
(smooth synth music)
(funky exotic music)
(screaming)
(dramatic music)
Please let me go.
(upbeat dance music)
Are you alright?
I think so.
He grabbed me by the pool.
What does he want?
He wants us to do
a pole dance for him.
Keep dreaming, buddy.
You're forgetting,
we are tied up to a pole here.
Well, I don't see
dollar bills anywhere.
Dollar bills?
I was thinking for twenties.
When you get right
down to it, though,
it's actually kind of fun.
- Really?
- Yeah, watch.
(rhythmic exotic music)
Ah, excellent.
One of our visitors.
The sacred monkey, no less,
captured by one of her sons.
(woman screaming)
Come out.
Look, they're gonna obey you.
Now they only take
orders from me.
You see?
You'll find out, they won't
listen to you anymore.
Soon you, too, will
obey when I command.
(siren buzzing)
Malek.
First, I see you
got away from Turk.
Listen Burt, you'll have to do
what I tell you to do for once.
I've been hunting the
sacred monkey for a year,
and I don't intend
to lose her now.
When I want something,
I take it and I keep it forever.
(gunshot)
Not this time, Albert.
This time you've
finally lost the game.
You're really punctual, Burt.
You're never late
for an appointment.
You arrive within
the 10 minutes.
Fast work, Burt.
But I haven't lost the game yet,
as you'll soon find out.
- Look out, Burt.
- What do you mean?
The animatronic brain.
Shoot the light on the panel!
Malek, hold him!
Burt, shoot the light.
(gunshots)
(dissonant squealing)
(rhythmic exotic music)
(Bigfoot growling)
What was that?
(upbeat country music)
(Bigfoot growling)
Stay back.
No, come untie us.
What's going on here?
I don't know.
All I know is every
time I hear music
and chicks do pole
dances for me,
I feel very human.
Oh really?
What's your name?
Jonah Trout.
Not from the Trout family?
That's right.
I heard you were dead.
Well, it's been so
long since I got laid,
I may as well be.
Sounds to me as if that
curse has been lifted.
You know, I
think you're right.
[Narrator] Then, a
movement in the woods.
The sun hadn't come up yet.
It was hard to make out
what I'd seen at first.
(mysterious dissonant music)
(leaves crunching)
There he was, Bigfoot,
standing no more than
100 yards from my blind.
I began to shake all over.
I could barely keep
hold of my camera.
He was awesome.
(mysterious music)
Then, behind me, another one,
smaller, possibly younger.
How many of them were there?
Was I surrounded?
They were the most extraordinary
creatures I'd ever seen.
I now knew why the
Eskimos called Bigfoot
the king of the animals.
The older, larger one
was seven feet tall,
450 to 500 pounds,
his domed head and
long, dark hair
just like the other
creatures I'd seen.
His odor was overwhelming,
the same thick, musky scent
that first led me to
Bigfoot so long ago.
The young one was no more than
five-and-a-half feet tall,
250 pounds.
If my guess was right,
probably on its first trip
away from its northern
breeding grounds.
He'd probably never
seen a man before.
If he saw me, he could
panic and attack.
Here I was again with Bigfoot,
unchallengeable proof
my theory had worked.
It is a migratory animal,
and I now have the documentations
of its habits I needed.
Now we can begin to
understand the place
this creature holds in nature.
(dramatic orchestral music)
I once again said goodbye
to this mysterious creature
that has somehow outlived
its natural role,
endured the tests of time,
now left to wander
the land elusively,
with a strange will to survive.
(rhythmic synth music)
Oh, I still have
plenty of questions,
and I'll continue my
search for the answers now.
But I assure you,
I'll no longer get so caught up
in the problems of my research
that I'll lose touch with
the wonders it reveals.
Is that you my
prince charming?
You expecting someone else?
(laughing)
Oh no, never.
You look amazing baby.
But can I make one suggestion?
Sure.
(laughing)
I had a feeling that
would be your suggestion.
Can you guess my next one?
Can you guess mine?
(mysterious electronic music)
Check our coordinates
to base Orion.
Compare figures with
signal direction.
[Man] Angle alpha
37, angle alpha 12,
velocity 600 miles per second.
[Woman] Signal's
in direction course,
power signal's constant.
[Woman] Exact coordinate
signal, exact direction,
course confirmed.
(mysterious electronic music)
(electronic beeping)
This is Galactic Explorer 69.
My landing was successful.
Very well 69.
For the sake of the Earthlings
I will call you Serena
while you're on their planet.
As you wish oh
supreme mistress.
May I now learn the
reason of my travels?
Very well, you must preceded
to the nearest populace.
Once there you
have 24 Earth hours
to engage in their sex secrets.
The knowledge that you bring
back to Deltron is imperative.
Without it our civilization
will not survive
another light year.
I do not understand.
Don't stop for the
next 24 Earth hours.
Oh I like that.
This is Serena signing off.
(mysterious electronic music)
(cheering)
(electronic music)
Who are you?
I'm Serena, I come in peace.
Is this some kind of joke?
What is a joke?
It's nothing.
I'm Mark and this
is my friend Cindy.
Your friend?
Nice outfit by the way.
Thank you.
That was a joke.
Another joke?
Do you Earthlings do this a lot?
Yes we do Serena.
So where do you come from?
I come from Deltron, third
planet in the first galaxy.
It is outside your solar system.
(laughing)
Of course it is.
So like what are
you doing here?
I've come to learn
from you Earthlings.
Okay that's it this chick's
crazy I'm calling 911.
Is that another joke?
Hold on let's just play
along it's gonna be fun.
So Serena do you have
any special powers or?
Special powers?
Yeah like can you
make yourself disappear?
Hmm, I cannot do
that, but I can do this.
- Whoa.
- Whoa.
- That's unbelievable.
- That's amazing.
May I begin learning now?
I don't know may she?
Why the hell not? Sure.
Really?
Yeah.
It's a woman's prerogative
to change minds.
That's why I love you babe.
(dance music)
(spaceship droning)
Oh this is an emergency
I must take this.
Oh.
(electronic beeping)
Serena sorry to
keep you waiting,
but my servants were
misbehaving again
and I had to teach
them a lesson.
Oh you're the best teacher
I know supreme mistress.
Too bad it doesn't
result in procreation.
Oh you're so kind.
I just called to report back.
I've engaged the Earthlings
in sexual intercourse
and it seems to be
quite gratifying.
In fact it's extremely exciting.
That's good news Serena and
are you learning anything?
Oh yes I've learned
this thing called joking,
but I haven't quite
figured it out yet.
Is that all you've learned?
I've also learned
that the male species
has something that
greatly resembles
our communication devices.
Do you mean our dildometer?
Yes, only there's
are much larger.
Interesting,
I couldn't imagine why they
would need to be larger.
Until this morning supreme
mistress neither could I.
Well keep up the good work
and get back to me when
you've learned more.
Serena signing off.
(spaceship droning)
What's going on in here?
(laughing)
Oh nothing.
I heard voices.
But it is only I, how
could there be voices?
I don't know.
How did you make the
clothes disappear?
Anyway I need to clean up,
I need to use the shower.
Oh is this clean up
another one of those jokes?
Are you for real?
Yes I believe I am.
Is this liquid used in clean up?
Do you want to find out?
I'll show you.
(laughing)
(wind blowing)
[Man] Range one,
oh, eight, two,
angle of elevation 13 degrees.
Direction alpha, 19
degrees, 10 seconds from now
target reaches coordinates,
minus nine, eight, seven, six...
Guess who.
I don't know give me a hint.
Oh my god Mark you're
driving me crazy.
(slow rock music)
What are you doing here?
Ted left 10 minutes ago.
I know he's at my place.
I told him I was
gonna get some booze.
- Stop it we can't.
- Are you sure?
- I hate you.
- No you don't.
You're damn right
I don't, come here.
(birds chirping)
I want to get laid.
I thought you screwed
that bouncer last night?
You know the one
you have a crush on?
I did but that was
like 12 hours ago.
God Jen you are such a slut.
I don't know Tina
I think Jen just has a
really healthy libido.
(laughing)
Oh yeah now you're talking.
Let's call for some pizza.
I'd love to get my hands
on that delivery boy.
Boy being the operative word.
He's like 16 years old.
He's 18, his
birthday was last week,
and I told him that
when he was legal
I had a present for him.
Oh so you're ordering sausage.
You better believe it and
I'm getting some pizza too.
(laughing)
(phone ringing)
Maybe that's Armando.
His name's Armando.
He sounds hot, I think
we'll all order some sausage.
I gotta get this first guys.
Hello, oh hi Cindy.
Yeah.
That sounds good, I'm just
around the corner in my place.
I'm with Allie and Tina.
Okay, we'll bring
some tequila over
and we'll be there soon.
That was Cindy, she
invited us to her party,
her and Mark's place.
Oh Mark.
I know, speaking of sausage.
[Man] Red alert
satellite in sector H
has ceased its function.
Son of a bitch,
she wasn't kidding.
[Man] Red alert, satellite
in sector H has ceased...
(rock music)
- Hey ladies.
- Oh.
- Hi.
- Hi sausage,
- I mean Mark.
- I don't get it.
Sorry, Sidney just likes
to talk when she's drunk.
Anyway you're not going to
believe what I just found.
What?
A spaceship.
Have we started
drinking a little early?
I'm serious.
- What?
- I'll show you.
Oh, oh.
It's right over in the field.
The spaceship, his, "hey
you all, the spaceship."
It's the spaceship.
- Oh.
- The spaceship.
We gotta go find a bathroom.
- I'll go, hey I'll go.
- We'll see you later.
I'll go.
See I told you.
That can't be real.
I don't think so.
There's this chick
at our place, Serena,
she was sent from
another planet.
You think I'm crazy don't you?
No.
'Cause it's true,
you'll meet her.
Okay, well I'm a
little disappointed then
because I thought you lured me
here to take advantage of me
and now I see
there's a real ship.
Well I mean the spaceship
was the one thing I
wanted to show you.
Oh really well
let's go check it out.
(thudding)
How did you know
how to get in here?
I just hit the side of
the door and it opened up.
Well, since we're here maybe
we should make the most of it.
I like that idea.
(electronic dance music)
Uh-huh.
(suspenseful orchestral music)
- Hi y'all.
- Hola.
(laughing)
Hey girls.
Have you guys seen Tina?
My guess is she's just
finishing up with lunch.
(laughing) Sausage I believe.
That would be my guess.
Oh well I hope
we see her soon.
That's a good chance.
Chances are excellent.
Cin, introduce
us to your friend.
This is Serena, she's from...
Deltron, the third
planet in the first galaxy.
It's outside our universe.
She's been sent here.
That's nice.
Wow.
Ted did you get in
on any of this action?
Oh yeah, she's unbelievable
and that's no joke.
I really do not
understand this joking.
Oh, that's okay, you're
perfect just the way you are.
Thank you Earthling Ted.
(laughing)
Isn't she adorable, I
mean I'm Earthling Ted,
isn't that great?
Anyway, anyone want a drink?
- No I'm good.
- No thanks.
- No?
- No thank you.
So Cin did you get in
on any of this Ted action?
Yeah we had an
amazing three way.
So what about Ted?
Well if you're asking me
what I think you're asking me
Mark and Ted they're
a lot a like.
Ted is more like
his big brother.
That's all I need to hear.
Hey Ted I think I'll take one
of those drinks after all.
(laughing)
Hey.
Hey.
Did you say you wanted a drink?
Yeah I did, please.
Here you go.
I think you know what
I actually really meant.
Oh, you want,
you wanted a drink.
Yeah.
Oh.
[Man] Target
reaches coordinates.
- Three, two, one.
- Fire.
(electronic whooshing)
(rumbling)
It's trying to get away, fire.
(whooshing)
How about that
eh? Yeah. (laughing)
On target.
[Man] Damage to drive section,
reactor water tank empty.
(dramatic music)
Hey honey look who I ran into.
Right.
Anyway guess what I
found, Serena's space ship.
You didn't destroy it did you?
Of course not.
Good because I must leave
in less than 24 Earth hours.
But we were just
getting to know you.
Mark if the alien
chick says she has to go
she has to go.
But we were having
so much fun together.
I think we've been having
a little too much fun
if you catch my drift.
(laughing)
Sounds like someone's jealous.
Jealous?
I have these puppies.
Do I look like I
need to be jealous?
Ooh.
(whistling)
[Cindy] Damn
straight girlfriend.
Allie just let her go,
just let her cool off.
When she gets like this, best
thing is let her cool off.
Well I just want to
make sure she's alright.
Wow that must have been
some drink. (laughing)
Looks like Ted
slipped you a mickey.
Oh hi everybody.
Who's the hot chick?
Tell her, better yet
show her your little trick.
As you wish.
[Woman] Oh my god
how did you do that?
(dramatic music)
I think maybe you're
overreacting Cin.
Either way that space
girl's leaving soon
and you won't have to
ever deal with her.
I'm not worried
about that Allie.
Mark and I we're in
an open relationship.
That's good.
No it's not, I hate it.
The only reason why
I went along with it
is because that's
what Mark wanted.
Didn't you screw Ted earlier?
Sometimes it does
have its benefits.
You mean like now?
Now I'd like to play a game
that we play on my planet
that I believe all
you Earthlings know
called spin the bottle.
- Oh me?
- Mmhmm.
Why would you want
me to spin your bottle?
(mysterious whooshing)
Ted you have kiss Serena.
Damn, I mean that's
it, I mean, I mean.
- Hey guys.
- Hey.
Can we play?
- Oh yeah.
- Yeah of course,
more the merrier.
Yeah, can I get the next spin?
(explosion booming)
Caller's base communicates
a strong explosion
in the sector H,
F, two, oh, three
and the zone is not
isolated any longer.
The radar sentries report
that no flying objects
have left Earth's orbit
while an aviation scout
has seen large metal segments
scattered here and there
on the ice field.
I'm afraid I must
go now Earthling Mark.
My time's not up here but I've
learned all I need to know.
Do you really have to go?
The fate of my
people depends on it.
Well I hope your stay here
helped you a little bit.
It most definitely has.
Oh good.
Maybe you can teach
the Deltron men
whatever they need to learn
so that you can save
your civilization.
Oh there are no men
on Deltron, only women.
Only women?
Yes Earthling Mark.
Do they look like you?
Oh no.
Oh.
Oh they are much more
beautiful than I am.
Is that right?
Yes.
Do you know you
never really showed me
the inside of your spaceship.
Would you like to see it?
I'd love to.
(electronic music)
Nice.
So my only question
is do we have sex here
or on our way to Deltron?
[Man] Message
received, over and out.
(dance music)