Bill Bellamy: I Want My Life Back (2022) Movie Script
1
Party people in the place to be!
New York City, what's going on?
Make some noise in here. What's up?
Ladies and gentlemen, I am the one and only,
K-I-D. Kid Capri!
I want you all to welcome my man,
your man, everybody's man,
one of the funniest comedians in the world,
Bill Bellamy!
What's up, New York? Y'all feeling good? Then say "Hell, yeah!"
Hell, yeah!
Make some noise for my brother, Kid Capri.
Y'all can't even see me, man. I'm so happy to be here in New York City.
Shit! Y'all ain't got no mask on. You don't give a fuck.
Let me tell you what I learned from Corona, you ain't supposed to see your kids every day.
Not every day. I don't care how much you love your kids,
you ain't supposed to see them all motherfucking day.
My kids didn't go back to school, that shit pissed me off.
My kids did not go back to school.
That was the only way I was going to make it, I said, "When these kids go,
"this going to be all right."
They were like "No, we ain't going, ain't no more school."
I know every parent was like, "Fuck!"
My kids stopped getting dressed for school, that's how bad it got.
They just got out of bed, "Ugh, I'm in school."
I went in my daughter's room, she laying on the bed.
I'm like, "Ain't you supposed to be in school?"
She's like, "Daddy, stop, this ain't school school."
She had her screen off. Do you believe this shit?
Her screen is off, I was like, "Bailey,
"why do you not have your screen on?"
She's like, "Daddy, I don't have to see her, I can listen."
I said, "I'm paying full price,
"you going to see her today."
That's disrespectful, I love teachers.
Ain't no way in the world you should have your screen off,
when your teacher trying to teach you. Clap for that.
See that would be like, when we was little,
that would be like us going to school and turning our desk this way, "I ain't doing math."
Then another thing I learned about Corona,
you ain't supposed to be with your loved one every day, either.
I don't care how much you love your wife or your love partner. Whatever he or she mean to you
you ain't supposed to see nobody every day.
All day.
You've ever been with somebody so long, you be like,
"Go out there and see if that Corona real, go ahead."
They say that some people are asymptomatic, you hear about this?
Asymptomatic, that means they don't feel shit.
Full of Corona, though, they're just in the club.
Everybody else in the club, dead.
I'm so sick of God damn Corona,
I wish we knew what Corona was like, for real.
Like, what if people who had Corona was blue? At least you could see it.
Right, you'll be in the club like, "Oh, shit, hey, man, you and your girl
"are blue as fuck, brother. Go ahead, bro."
Corona messed up everything. You can't even eat pussy no more.
No, you got to eat the pussy you know, you can't be eating no new pussy.
Not till 2035.
God forbid, you eat some pussy tonight.
You're drunk, you got... You know, sometimes you just want to do it. Yum, yum, yum.
You don't do no random chick, like...
Turn out the lights, "Whoa." Your pussy's blue.
Corona made me realize that you can't break up, neither. You can't break up.
You and her, y'all can't go nowhere.
You can't leave her, she can't leave you.
Ain't nobody else want y'all.
'Cause you got too many questions.
Was you ever blue? Was he blue?
Oh, my God, what's wrong?
Can't get a divorce right now.
'Cause the line too long.
By the time you get up there, you're like, "Man, are you hungry?"
"Shit, I ain't even mad no more, boo. Let's go."
And now they want everybody to take the vaccine. You seen this?
They want everybody to take... "Please take the vaccine. Take the vaccine."
Oh, you know they want black people to take it, they'll be like,
"We give you 18 pieces of chicken." We're like, "Mmm."
"Ah, man, 18 pieces? Shit, it can't be that bad."
I'm not taking that vaccine, I'm just telling y'all right now.
I ain't fucking with the vaccine.
I'm going to let all the white people go first.
I'm going to see y'all in two years.
First of all, most black people ain't taking the vaccine
and if I know my black people we ain't taking no vaccine,
'cause we got our own vaccine, it's called Vicks.
Yeah, everybody black know we got Vicks
in our house and Vicks fix everything.
Remember when you was little, you had a cold, anything was wrong with you
what's your Mama do, "Come here boy.
"Come here, let me put this Vicks on you. Wait a second.
"Let me put this on your chest. Turn around, rub it on your back, okay, hold on.
"Hold on, put this under your nose,
"put it under the soles of your feet, put it on your sweat top.
"And when you wake up in the morning, that Corona be gone."
Let me tell you, to this day, Vicks is probably the strongest
motherfucking thing I've ever seen in my life.
Let me tell you, I know something for a fact.
Put fucking Vicks all over your body,
just rub it all over your body.
You can walk into a whole room of Corona,
Corona will be like, "God damn.
"Oh, my gosh, somebody got Vicks on here."
But I'm going to tell you the real reason I don't want to take the vaccine.
'Cause I saw the nurse black out on CNN, did y'all see this?
On live TV, she was the first person to take the vaccine.
The shit was hilarious.
And she wanted to take the vaccine, she was like, "All right. I'm here now.
"And I'm head of Pediatrics at Cedar Sinai Hospital.
"And as an essential worker and a first responder,
"I think it's important that I protect myself and my patients
"and I am willingly going to take the vaccine today.
"It's perfectly safe. It's perfectly safe."
This bitch rolled up her own sleeve.
"Go ahead. It's... Everybody relax. Go ahead, hit me with the needle."
They hit her with the needle, on TV,
I'm not making this shit up. Bam, this bitch is like, "Oh..."
They was like, "Go to commercial, this bitch blacked out.
"Man, get your ass up!"
Oh, my God.
Then we had those crazy ass,
you know, all the crazy people
just ran into the Capitol building. You see this?
Trump supporters went crazy then.
Ooh, I was... 'Cause I didn't know it was real, 'cause I didn't have the sound on."
I was like, "Oh, this must be the new Die Hard. What's going on?"
And the funny shit to me was, it was Trump's fault.
You know why? 'Cause Trump gassed them up.
He started talking to them on TV
like he was a gangbanger, he was like,
"Oh, everything I love.
"If y'all fuck with America, you fuck with me.
"Turn the fuck up."
Them white people was like, "Fuck, yeah! Fuck, yeah!
"Let's fucking go over the wall!"
They ran into the Capitol
with no direction, "Where are we going? I don't fucking know."
Just running there. "Where the fuck. That's a bathroom.
"Oh, my God."
They busted in the Senate, "We're in here.
"Fuck.
"Where's Pelosi, you bitch.
"Fuck, I don't know.
"These are the same chairs from CNN.
"Hey, babe.
"You got your phone?
"Take a picture."
Y'all know that's a crime, right?
You know that's a real fucking crime?
That's a federal motherfucking crime.
That's 20, 30 years, right there.
I went back and watched the tape.
There was a lot of black people out there.
But they ain't going into that God damn building.
'Cause black people, we know crime
and we know time.
When those white folks ran in that motherfucking building, black people was like,
"Oh, shit, y'all on that bullshit
"I thought you said Capitol Grill, bro.
"Oh, no, I ain't going in that motherfucker, bro.
"I thought we was getting some butterfly shrimp."
And I'm going to be honest with you,
I can tell it was a lot of white people's first crime.
You know, I could tell.
'Cause you could tell some of those white people
had never committed a crime. And let me tell you why I know that.
'Cause they were just doing some dumb shit. Now, white people, if you're here tonight
and you're going to do your first crime,
please don't do this shit. "Hi,
"I'm Emily Ferguson.
"And this is my husband, Todd.
"And we're going over the fucking wall."
You're going to jail, Emily.
It's a crime, Emily.
Now, what people don't know
is that they're going back
through IG posts,
going back through Facebook posts, triangulating phones.
They know everybody that was in the area.
Everybody that went into that building, you know, that was Emily's first crime.
She forgot she ran over the motherfucking wall.
Emily is in Costco.
Just getting food for her kids, she don't know she in trouble.
She's just walking down aisle nine, "Excuse me,
"is that ricotta cheese?
"Oh, my God, I love cheese so much. Are you kidding me? Yes.
"That's why I love Costco, you guys have such great samples.
"Oh, my... Sir...
"Oh, my God, Rose all day.
"Of course I want Rose, I'm shopping. Of course."
Out of nowhere, 30 federal agents show up.
"Is something going on in Costco?
"Emily Ferguson?
"Who's asking?
"Was I in D.C? I travel.
"Who went in the building? Are you kidding me? No. I don't recall that.
"Oh, you have tape?
"I mean, let's see it. Press play.
"Well, that's definitely Todd."
And now we got old man, Biden, right? We got old man, Biden.
The oldest president ever, old man Biden.
One thousand years old.
Every time he talks, I think "That's it. That's the last one."
Why would you want to be the President at 80 some years old?
It's just so hard of a job,
it's rough, it takes years off your life.
Think about Barrack Obama. Let's go back in your head.
Do you remember how young
Barrack Obama looked when he went into office?
First of all he walked in that motherfucker, he was young.
Looking like Denzel Washington, he came in that motherfucker.
Had them tailored suits. "How you doing, everybody? I love you, I love you all."
Eight years later, he was Morgan Freeman, "You've seen Sasha and Malia?
"Michelle, you seen Sasha and Malia?"
Like this motherfucker looks like Uncle Ben on a rice box.
I say, "What the fuck?
"What happened to Barrack?
"What happened?
"What happened to him?"
But shit is crazy, man.
I don't know if you saw the Tekashi69 documentary, anybody seen that?
Interesting dude.
I didn't know he created a character online, it's a true story.
He created his own character, 'cause he wanted to be famous.
But he went online, on Instagram, talking shit everyday.
All over. "I'm a gangster, I'm this, I'm that."
But he got rainbow hair, whatever. He's still gangster.
One day he's a blood, next day he's a crip.
He is a motherfucking gangster.
What these young guys don't realize is that the Feds
have Instagram too.
So keep on talking, somebody writing that shit down.
And when the Feds come, they don't play.
They came to him and hit him with 52 years.
I know y'all heard this shit in New York, 52 years, he snitched
on everybody.
The man is on the street right now.
I thought the shit was brilliant.
I call him my cousin, 'cause I can't believe the boy beat the game.
Now back in the day my cousin used to be in the streets, heavy in New York, right?
So I called him up.
Cuz, what's up, this is Bill, man. Did you see this Tekashi shit, dawg?
He beat the motherfucking game. He's like, "Bill, come on, don't call me with that bullshit.
"Don't fuck up my day, dawg. Don't fuck up my motherfucking day.
"I don't talk about snitches, I don't talk about rest.
"Back in the day, I was in the street doing my thing.
"I risked my life every motherfucking day.
"I'm going to tell you something, I know real G's.
"If he's a real motherfucking G, he would have ate them years."
I said, "All of them?"
"Shit!
I'm not that hungry.
Mmm-mmm. I am on a diet.
Tell you right now, I ain't eating 52 years for nobody.
Look at my face, read my lips.
You do a crime with Bill Bellamy,
I am going to tell.
I'm going to tell. I'm going to tell everything I fucking know.
The shit you forgot to do.
Shit you was supposed to do.
The shit you really wanted to do.
And I'm bringing the cops to your house, me and 400 cops.
At the front door.
"Yeah, this is where he be hiding.
"Jerrod!
"They here with me.
"Yeah, we came to get you.
"And they're in the back too, 'cause I told them you like to run."
I ain't going to no God damn jail.
First of all, it's too easy for black men to go to jail, let's keep it real.
It is not fair for black men, we do anything wrong we go to motherfucking jail.
Life is too hard. I know you heard about Will and Jada. You heard about Will and Jada?
Whoo! That was the scandal of the year.
Will and Jada had an entanglement.
I know you heard about this shit.
'Cause I heard about this a couple of years ago.
I didn't know it was true, right? 'Cause I live in L.A, you know?
People talk, people whisper, you go to a couple of parties
and people start drinking they get to talking.
"You know, Bill, Jada back in them streets."
I'm like, "Yeah, where she at?"
Now, the rumor was that Jada was having an affair
with this young R&B dude named August Alsina. I know y'all heard about this shit.
And she was fucking the shit out of this man.
I'm telling you, she was hitting it with that grown woman pussy.
"Jab, jab, jab, jab."
Now, it will heal you, but it will kill you.
Homeboy fell in love with Jada.
She broke up with him and he lost his motherfucking mind. Whoa!
He started telling everybody. I know y'all heard about this, this shit was crazy.
He went on The Breakfast Club, he went on Sway, it was nuts, it spread like wildfire.
This shit got so bad that Jada and Will had to do something.
Jada had to do an announcement on Red Table Talk.
Please tell me you've seen this shit.
I'mma tell you right now, Will Smith is my hero.
He a better man than me, he took this shit like a G.
She told her husband that she was fucking somebody else on her show.
Will was sitting there and he was like, "So, Jada,
"what's going on?" She was like, "Um...
"well, Will,
"you know that the social media and the..."
"All this news going around, some true, some not.
"I'm just going to get right to it, 'cause I brought you here so we can control the narrative.
"And, um, I'm just...
"I'm just going to say that...
"I had an entanglement."
And everybody else was like, "Google it, Google it, Google it."
But the crazy part about it was I was pissed at August Alsina.
'Cause how you mess up that job?
That was a wonderful job.
I can tell he ain't see my movie How to Be a Player at all.
Now he got the game fucked up, bro.
First of all, you young.
Jada Pinkett, that's a lay-up.
That's a lay-up. How you fuck that job up, bruh?
That's a ten to 12 year run.
Think about it,
all you got to do is be Jada Pinkett's boyfriend on the low.
How bad can it be?
What you got to do? See her once, twice a month?
Maybe go by there, drop some dick off.
Sounds like a bargain.
You ain't got to buy her shit.
Let Will do that.
Jada should have picked me.
We'd still be together.
'Cause I ain't going to fuck it up. I know what I'm doing.
First and foremost, I'm going to get cool with them kids.
Okay, be like, "Hey, Jaden, hey, Willow, how y'all doing?"
"Hey, Uncle Bill, why are you here today?"
"Take care of your Mama."
Every time you see me, I'm going to be with them.
Every time y'all turn on TV, TMZ, you're going to see me.
Y'all be at home talking about, "Hey, where's Bill and Jada?"
"Ain't that crazy? They're always together. Where's Bill and Jada?"
Next thing you know, I'm in Bad Boys 9.
Smart.
Another thing I learned, fellas, I'mma share this with you.
August Alsina taught me a valuable lesson,
I'mma share with all the fellas in here.
August Alsina taught me that men
are not made to be side chicks.
Say that one more time, men are not made to be side chicks.
Think about it, in that case, the man
was the side chick.
You got Will, you got Jada,
you got August Alsina in the middle. Think about it.
Jada ain't leaving Will motherfucking Smith
for a dude with one single. I don't think so.
I don't think so!
And for the ladies, it made me appreciate women in a different way.
Think about this, ladies. Most men never know
what it's like for a woman to be a side chick.
'Cause we never have to think about it.
First of all, ladies, I respect any woman that chooses
to be a side chick, 'cause number one, it is a volunteer job.
Hey, you don't have to, you want to.
But ladies, if you're going to be a great side chick,
you got to know the rules of engagement, okay?
Rule number one, you got to know your holidays.
Okay? You've got to know the holidays that don't pertain to you.
Okay, you're not getting Valentine's Day,
you're not getting Christmas, you're not getting New Year's or New Year's Day.
But you are getting other holidays, like Groundhog Day.
You know, April's Fools Day.
Labor Day, shit like that.
Now, any ladies in here, if you are a side chick, blink.
They in here like, "He plays too much."
"Oh, my God, why is he in my business?"
But I'll be honest with you ladies,
I think women are better at being side chicks for one important reason.
Women know how to process their feelings better than men.
Period. Women understand their feelings better than men.
'Cause for a woman to be a good side chick,
you got to have emotional discipline, right?
You got to stay in your lane, you got to know who you are, you got to feel it.
You got to know. You don't get outside your lane, you don't get swervey with the shit.
Stay in your lane, women are better at that than men.
I'mma give you a perfect example.
Women understand time and place.
Let me say that again, women understand time and place.
Okay? I'm going to give you an example
about what I'm talking about, okay?
This is pretend. Not trying to fuck up anybody tonight.
This is pretend. Just play along with the story.
Let's pretend that there's a lady in here right now
in a relationship.
Having a good time with her guy, came to see the Bill Bellamy special.
Cool.
But there's another guy that she fucked with
on the low, okay?
He decides to walk in here with another woman.
Being real. First of all I'm not going to tell you that she not going to feel some type of way.
But it ain't the time and it ain't the place.
She not about to fuck up her night
at the Bill Bellamy comedy special
over you!
Not the time, not the place.
She's sitting there with her dude, "Babe, this is so good.
"Bill Bellamy is so funny, right?
"Thank you, he is stupid.
"Oh, my God."
Out of nowhere, the dude she fucked walk in here, she like, "Oh,
"Mmm.
"Ooh, the devil is so busy.
"Mmm, no he did not.
"It is what it is.
"Do you, baby. 'Cause I'mma do me.
"Babe, when the lady come back can we just get a double Hennessy?"
'Cause she going to have a cocktail, 'cause she needs a moment to process
what she see and how she feel about it.
She ain't going over there to blow your spot up.
It ain't the time, it ain't the motherfucking place.
She might hit you three days from now
on some smooth shit.
"Saw you with your little bitch at the special.
"LOL."
There ain't a man in this entire theater
that can do that.
None of y'all motherfuckers.
'Cause men can't process their feelings like that.
We're not wired like women.
Women can do all that shit, make all them decisions in seconds.
Dudes, we just short circuit.
First of all, men don't know their feelings like that.
Men don't know how they truly feel.
First of all, most dudes don't even know they love their side chick.
Yeah. 'til she's with her real husband.
Look at all the dudes, like, "Next joke.
"Damn, dawg.
"This a seminar or some shit?"
That's right. It's true.
'Cause men learn their feelings in the moment.
Show you what I mean, ladies, we're going to flip this the other way.
There's a dude in here, right now
with his lady, having a good time.
Okay? Came to see the Bill Bellamy comedy special.
There's another chick he fucked with
on the low.
She going to walk in here with her real husband.
Now, it should be even money,
he riding dirty anyway.
It should be even, she with her man, he with his girl.
But real life don't work like that.
Real life, get real.
He ain't here like, "Yo, babe, listen, I told you
"I was going to take you to see Bill Bellamy right?
"Shit, he mad funny, I know, shit."
The chick he fucked went walking with her real husband.
"Bitch, you got me fucked up.
"You got a lot of motherfucking nerve, bitch. You see me?
"I should kill you and your husband on everything."
He forgot he was with somebody.
She like, "Babe, what's wrong? What's wrong?"
"I don't fucking know.
"I just know bitches ain't shit."
He's staring at her.
She's with her husband, she's like, "Stop."
Her husband don't know what's going on.
She laying up on her husband.
What else she supposed to do? That's her motherfucking husband.
She living her real life.
He can't take it, 'cause he ain't ever seen her with somebody.
"This bitch got me fucked up.
"Please don't tell me he drinking.
"If he drinking, it's going to get real."
The liquor starts talking. "Man, she acting like she don't even fucking know you.
"Alright, it's like that.
Alright. Sylvia Johnson!"
She like...
Her husband don't know what's going on, he like, "Babe, babe, who that?
"Who the fuck is that?"
"I don't even know.
"I think he works at the post office."
She don't know what the fuck to say.
Well, he in his feelings 'cause he ain't get no energy from her.
And it's in front of his face.
"This bitch playing games, alright.
"It's like that, alright."
He going to go in his pocket, 'cause dudes and their feelings get pettier than a motherfucker.
"Tell your husband who bought you that diamond bracelet."
She ain't giving him no energy, so he going in the bag on this one.
'Cause he want her husband to know.
He know it like that.
"Alright, bitch.
"Sylvia Danica Johnson!"
This motherfucker said her middle name.
Don't nobody know her middle name.
Now her husband knows something is going on.
"What the fuck going on, baby? What the fuck going on?
"Why that dude... How the fuck did he know your middle name?"
"It's on the mail."
A lot of dudes ain't laughed.
That shit hit different though.
A lot of y'all are like, "Damn, I might be a side chick."
But that's how the game goes, just be honest
See, it goes both ways, fellas, the game ain't fair.
You know you got chicks out here like Cardi B and Megan Stallion.
Got these chicks up here, turned up.
I know y'all know the hottest song last year, it was WAP.
Number one song of the world was WAP.
And if you don't know the song, the song mean Wet-Ass Pussy.
That was the song. Wet-Ass Pussy.
Took the world by storm.
Let me tell you something ladies in here with your little wet-ass pussy.
Keep that shit away from me.
I don't want no wet-ass pussy.
Wet-ass pussy ain't nothing but crack cocaine.
Wet-ass pussy is dangerous.
Let me tell you what wet-ass pussy do to men. Shit like this,
"Sylvia Danica Johnson!"
Got me fucked up, bitch.
I don't need no drama. I don't want to wet-ass pussy.
Ladies in here with your little sloppy choppy,
your little super soaker,
Say that shit.
I don't need it. I'mma tell you what I want in my life.
All I want is just some grown-ass pussy. That's all I need.
Grown-ass pussy. Gimme that, get out.
Fuck the WAP, gimme the GAP.
Shit, it ain't wet wet, but it's wet enough.
Shit, flunk it in a tub, it will be wet wet.
I am stupid as fuck.
If you're in a relationship right now, clap your hands.
You in a relationship?
To be honest, the best part of every relationship to me is
the beginning.
That's right, if y'all just met, enjoy your last days, this is it.
You got three days after this special, it's a wrap.
No, I'm joking, but I'm being honest. I love the beginning.
'Cause the beginning is fun. I'm a romantic. I love love. Love is beautiful.
There's nothing like being in love. It's the best feeling in the world.
That's why I like the beginning.
'Cause ain't nobody mad at nobody.
In the beginning.
Ain't nobody got no attitude for no motherfucking reason.
In the beginning.
Women are horny all the time, right, fellas? Think about it.
Women are horny all the time. In the beginning.
Right? Need that dick four, five times a day.
In the beginning.
Remember when your old lady used to wake up in the middle of the night to fuck?
Remember this? In the beginning.
In the beginning, 4:00, 5:00 in the morning,
just need some dick randomly.
In the beginning.
Now the bitch never wake up, you like, "This bitch is dead. Hello.
"Move your leg, girl, move your leg. Let me know you're in here."
"I am so tired, why are you bothering me?"
Wasn't like that in the beginning.
Y'all on the phone all night. You talk four, five times a day.
In the beginning.
Right? Y'all just like each other.
Y'all are never mad at each other over nothing.
Y'all just talking 'cause you just like each other.
In the beginning.
Y'all on the phone, just talking about regular shit. "Hey, babe, how was your day?"
"Babe, it was so nice. Thanks for asking, babe.
"You know I love my new job, did I tell you?
"God is so good, you know.
"I've been praying and I've got the job of my life.
"I am so excited.
"Everybody in my department,
"they took me out to dinner
"and I was like, 'Oh, my God, I had such a good time,' so that when I came back
"I saw all your flowers.
"Oh, my God, babe, they are so beautiful.
"And you left me a voicemail.
"Babe, it was so sweet, and they don't know you so I played your voice for them.
"Yeah, babe, I did. I let them listen to your voice.
"And they were like... 'Bitch he love you!'"
And what did you say? "I do baby, I love you."
"Oh, babe, you are so sweet."
Remember when she never wanted to hang up the phone?
In the beginning.
Your lady would just randomly just fall asleep
in the middle of the conversation
and then tomorrow...
"Oh, my God.
"Babe, babe I'm so sorry.
"I dozed off for a second.
"But, babe, you on the p...
"Babe, you did not hang up.
"That is cute as fuck!"
And what did you say?
"Shit, I just like the way you breathe."
That's what you say in the beginning, "I just like the way you breathe."
Now, you've been with her for a while, you're like
"This bitch won't stop breathing."
"God damn.
"Go out there and see if that Corona's real."
Every lady is a porn star.
In the beginning.
Right? Right? When you first met your lady, she was wild as fuck.
Talking that shit too.
"You know when I get drunk...
"You know when I get drunk...
"I turn up."
What?
What you drink? "Tequila.
"You get me some tequila it's a go."
Bartender, two tequilas.
'Cause you wanna see what it is. Let's go.
And she's wild as fuck in the beginning
So you know, "You could pull my hair.
"I like when you pull my hair, it's real."
Some women like to get choked. That's their shit, fellas
Some women love that choke shit.
"You know, you can choke me
"It's...
"That was too much, I almost blacked out.
"I'm dizzy as fuck!"
Some women like you to bite them. "You can bite me.
"It feels good, like, bite me, not hard. But like...
"You can lick my nipples too. That feels good.
"But you don't have to lick this one, it don't work.
"Like, my left titty dead.
"What?
"It just never worked.
"So don't waste time.
"This my good titty."
We laughing 'cause it's true.
That's how it is in the beginning, right?
"Bite my back, choke me."
"Pull my hair. Oh, my God, lick me."
All that shit in the beginning.
Look at the room now. Look at the room.
Look at all these retired pornstars. Look at it.
A whole goddamn theater full of retires.
She got a bad back rotator cuff injury.
This bitch blew out her Achilles.
Bitch in the back got allergies.
"I can't do that without my spray, Larry."
"Your dick is making me sneeze.
"I wasn't sneezing until you pulled your dick out.
"Is there dust on your dick? Look at your dick."
You standing there mad as shit. Really, Teresa?
You ain't never used to sneeze on my dick, when you start this shit?
And I put some gas in your car.
And I mowed the grass and everything.
This is how you gonna do your boy Larry?
I'm from Jersey.
Came from a poor family, grew up poor in the hood.
No money, nobody in my family got no motherfucking money.
The worst thing in your life is to be the only person in your family with money. It's crazy.
'Cause every time you see your family you gotta be like, "No, no, no."
I'm gonna tell you how poor I was.
You know you're poor when you talk to yourself, poor make you talk to yourself.
When you're little you'd be like "As soon as I get my money, watch..."
Remember this? "Watch!
"Watch. I'll get my own cereal, watch."
'Cause when you're little, that's what you say. "Watch!
"Watch till I get the big box, watch.
'Cause when you're little and you got brothers and sisters you share everything.
You never get your own.
"Watch till I get my own cereal.
"Watch, I get everything at the same time.
"I'm gonna get Cocoa Puffs,
"Lucky Charms, and Frosted Flakes."
When I was a kid I always wanted to be rich.
'Cause rich people look happy to me.
When you're little you don't know,
they just look like they're just having more fun.
I'm staring at rich people, I know they thought I was crazy.
I was like...
I was like "I know they got the big box.
"I know they got their own cereal."
I'm gonna tell y'all, I'm gonna give you some true shit.
Be careful what you pray for.
'Cause prayers come true and dreams come true.
Just know what you praying for.
Most people pray for money, pray for your health.
Health is more important than motherfucking money.
If you got your health, you can make some motherfucking money.
You gotta be careful what you pray for 'cause it can happen.
I wanted to be rich.
And guess what happened.
Now I'm rich!
But I'm just regular rich.
Don't get fucked up. I'm just regular rich.
Regular, motherfucking rich!
My friends are rich as fuck!
There's level to the shit.
My friends got way more money than me.
Listen to me, trust me, believe me.
My friends got way more money than me.
I'm gonna tell you how much more money my friends have than me.
If my friends had my money, they would black out.
There's a difference between being a millionaire and a billionaire.
It's a whole other game. Whole...
Let me tell you, billionaire's like money, money, money, money, money, money.
And I learned a lot from these people.
Let me tell y'all something let me give y'all some real game.
Stop hanging around with motherfuckers that can't teach you shit.
Stop hanging around with motherfuckers that can't teach...
Humble yourself.
If you the smartest cat in the room you ain't gonna win.
You need to be around motherfuckers that can teach you some shit.
Sometimes you just listen, you learn the game.
I learned some shit I never knew in my life.
I didn't know the wealthiest people in the country don't pay taxes.
I did not know that.
I did not know that!
It is unbelievable how wealthy people keep their money.
'Cause they smart motherfuckers and play the game to win.
I'm gonna teach y'all some motherfucking game for free.
Do you know if you move every 90 days you don't pay taxes?
'Cause it's not your permanent residence.
I suggest you motherfuckers start moving.
You ever notice that wealthy people always have yachts?
You ever notice that wealthy people always have these beautiful yachts?
You know why?
'Cause the water is motherfucking free.
I just bought me a canoe today.
My ass gonna be out there for 90 days!
One of the things I did learn from the wealthiest people is that
there's a lot of them that are not happy.
That's the thing that bugged me, 'cause I thought once you get successful
everybody's happy, everything's cool.
But it's not like that in real life.
A lot of wealthy people are depressed which is weird. Right?
Got all this motherfucking money but they not happy.
I'm like "Chill the fuck out."
But honestly I learned, I live in L.A.
I see it all the fucking time.
I don't know if you heard about this guy named Steve Bing.
Steve Bing, look it up, he was a very talented, very successful man.
Had all the money in the world, decided he didn't want to live no more.
Rich as fuck.
Motherfucker jumped off the 28th floor in L.A, this is a true story.
Broad daylight.
Motherfucker, whoo! Pow!
Hit the ground, I said "God damn!"
You gotta give it up for white people.
When they are ready to go, they are ready to go.
Won't they do it? Won't they do it?
I'm gonna tell you something,
white people got commitment, right?
Y'all motherfuckers make up your mind, ain't no plan B.
I'mma tell you what I know about black people.
Shit!
Black people, we got the emotion.
We do not have the follow through.
Shit!
'Cause I know my people.
We think about killing ourselves every day.
But we don't do it.
Shit, how am I gonna kill myself when I gotta go to work?
Black people, we don't have the time.
We really don't, it's fucked up.
We don't even have the time to kill ourselves.
'Cause we got other shit to do.
Wish I would kill myself. Who's gonna pick up my kids?
And it's raining, I'm not gonna do it today.
I'm gonna have to kill myself another week.
A lot of people handle their depression differently. Right?
Mental health is important.
I encourage everybody here to take care of yourself.
Do things that make you feel good, play your music.
You know, read a book that uplifts you.
Be around family, it's important to your mental health.
Rich or poor, we all got value.
You gotta know how to handle that depression, a lot of people can't sometimes.
You know, some people forget to laugh.
Some people forget to smile.
Laughter is everything. It's food to the soul, correct?
So that's why, I'm gonna give you game like,
that's why most Black people don't kill ourselves,
'cause we do other shit before it get that big.
That's why most Black people don't go to therapy and shit.
Don't take no medicine. We've been doing shit for hundreds of years.
We just don't talk about it.
We can save white people today if we well them the shit we do.
Let me tell you what Black people do for our depression.
We take a goddamn nap.
You better lay down.
Lay your white ass down. That's what's wrong with y'all.
Y'all don't lay down. You're tired.
Take off your flip flops, lay on the grass.
Most fun I had was before the pandemic.
I was in Miami having a good time.
Having the party of my life. I didn't know this shit was gonna get that bad.
If I knew what I knew now, I would have stayed in the club.
I was having the best party of my life, hanging out with Drake,
motherfucking Rick Ross,
and motherfucking Future,
all in one night, and I met Lil Wayne at my birthday party.
This is all in Miami.
I don't know if you've ever been to this club called LIV.
LIV is crazy.
South Beach, I'm talking about South Beach nuts.
And I love Lil Wayne, don't know if you've ever met Lil Wayne.
That's one of my favorite rappers in the world.
Let me tell you what I learned about Lil Wayne on my birthday.
I've ain't never seen anybody this ugly alive.
I said, "Oh, my God.
"Whose baby is that?"
You know, that's what Black people say when they see an ugly ass baby.
"Whose baby is that?
"Whose baby is it? Who left their baby in there?
"Oh, my God, they gotta get another baby. That can't be their baby."
That's what Lil Wayne look like. "Whose baby is that?"
Well, the funny shit, nobody told me what Lil Wayne looked like in person.
So he literally scared the shit out of me.
This is a true story. This is my table, this is Drake's table,
you got Future right here,
so when you come up in the VIP you come to me and you make a turn.
So I don't even know Lil Wayne coming, on guard, bro.
I get there at 2:30 in the morning,
Wayne don't get there till like 6:00 in the morning.
So, I don't even know he on the way.
I'm fucked up.
I got vodka, I got tequila.
Drake got his own cognac.
Rick Ross is there, he got Belaire, I'm drinking shit.
None of this shit go together.
I'm drinking everything but water.
So when Wayne come I'm really fucked up, so I'm like...
I'm tripping, so I just see security
bringing somebody in the club, 'cause you know the club's dark as fuck.
So I'm standing there and shit and I see the dude's big ass security.
They got a little flash light, "Move, move, move."
And so all of a sudden I could hear something coming and...
Whatever it was, I knew it was a monster, I was like...
"Y'all don't hear that?
"I'm the only one."
Out of nowhere.
The security is at the bottom of the staircase, I turn around,
Wayne runs up the staircase. I turn around I was like "Whose baby is that?"
He scared the shit out of me in the club.
Another thing I learned on my birthday
is that Miami Airport got Homeland Security.
You heard about this? Not TSA, no, no, no.
Homeland Security.
That's the next level. Next level.
They walking around with the riot gear, bulletproof vest shit,
and them ARs. Okay, ARs. They about that life.
So white people if you want to bum rush that airport, you are gonna have a short day.
'Cause they don't give a fuck!
And they got them drug dogs in Miami, I don't know if you've heard about the drug dogs.
I ain't talking about no regular dogs.
These are drug dogs, everywhere.
For whatever reason, when you in Miami you get the drug dog.
You check-in, you get the drug dog.
You go through security, you get the motherfucking drug dog.
When you get your bags, you get the dog.
What nobody told Bill Bellamy is when you land in Miami, you get the dog.
So, I'mma tell you fellas right now, give you some information.
If you flying to Miami and you got some shit on you,
you better eat it.
Don't get caught slipping like me.
Nobody told me about Homeland Security.
I get off the plane, I don't even see homeboy with the dog.
It looked like he was waiting on me.
Soon as I walk off the plane, homeboy walked out of nowhere
"Mr. Bellamy, you just got off the Delta 737, out of LAX, step to the right."
I said "What's the problem?"
He said "I'm not gonna ask you again.
"Step to the right."
I was like "Okay.
"What's wrong?" Then he hit me with a question.
He said, "Do you have any illegal substances on your person?"
You ever been so motherfucking scared
you don't know what to say? I was like, "I don't think so."
And the funny shit, everybody was getting off the plane like,
"Oh, Bill Bellamy about to go to jail."
"Oh, my God, ain't that Bill Bellamy?"
But nobody trying to fucking help me. I'm like "Please don't leave me."
This when I knew my life was over.
He had this drug dog and it was no regular dog.
This is a Belgian Malinois. Look it up.
Belgian Malinois.
This ain't no regular shit, this is a military dog.
Highly trained motherfucking dog.
He had a brown body and a black face.
I'm like "You black, I'm black."
I'm trying to make eye contact, so maybe I can get some kind of energy.
I'm like...
The dog wouldn't even fuck with me.
He's like, "Man, go on with your little expression."
This was when I knew my life was over.
When the Homeland Security gave the dog a command in German.
That was when I knew it was a wrap on Bill Bellamy.
He was like...
Whatever that was, I knew it was 30 years.
I just started snitching, I was like "She got cocaine, too.
"I ain't the only person here with cocaine.
"She got it in her shoes."
I ain't bullshitting. I told on everybody on that plane.
When you flying to New York, New York gives zero fucks.
They ain't got no kind of real security.
Y'all just got nothing. "Go ahead with the bullshit.
"Man, ain't that deep, go ahead, welcome to New York.
"I'm about to punch out in 15 minutes go ahead, fam. Go ahead, fam."
You could drop a kilo of cocaine.
He'd be like "Hey, yo, my man, get your shit.
"I ain't got time for the paperwork, man."
New York ain't got no drug dogs. Y'all got a regular dog.
He's just sitting by the escalator.
"They ain't trained me yet."
They got this motherfucker in Harlem.
Motherfucking regular street dog.
He don't even know how to smell dope for nothing.
He's a therapy dog.
Last concert I went to was
Jay-Z and Beyonce. That was the last concert I saw, November 2019.
Ain't that crazy?
We didn't have any concerts in 2020.
It was horrible.
But I remember the show, 'cause it was amazing
I went to see Beyonce and Jay-Z.
I literally went to see Beyonce.
'Cause that's my boo-boo.
I just want to see if she feels the same way I feel about her.
I just want to see if we on the same page. You know what I'm talking about.
Every time I'm watching her doing the show, I notice that Jay-Z would bring
his little ugly ass out the back.
Why he in the way? It's not your song, move.
I paid $2,000 to go see Beyonce upfront.
So we can have a love connection.
She did all my songs, all my favorite songs.
But I noticed Jay-Z was just running out.
It's not even your song. Move.
He was fucking up shit, man.
She did my favorite song, it's called Drunk in Love.
I don't know if y'all have seen it.
You like the song? I saw the video.
I had no idea this woman was going to do the song live.
Let me show you how I got caught up.
Staples Center L.A having a good time, they told everybody
"Turn on your cellphone light.
"Everybody turn your cellphone light on."
So everybody got their light on, they turn off all the lights in the arena.
I'm like "Oh, shit.
"This shit look like a church."
Out of nowhere, they just start playing the wind shit.
The wind's...
And they just dropped all this fog and shit out the ceiling.
I was like "Oh, shit, something about to happen."
Out of nowhere Beyonce comes out of the stage.
Above everybody in this see through negligee.
I was like "Oh, shit.
"This bitch a ghost."
And when the beat drop, she start walking to me.
It was crazy, she just started walking down the staircase.
I've been drinking I've been drinking
I was sitting there like "Bitch, what you drinking?"
She sat on the edge of the stage talking to me.
Look at me, Daddy I want you
And the fatty was right in my face, I was like look at god.
Don't you know, out of nowhere Jay-Z come running his little ugly ass out the back.
If I do say so myself If I do say so myself
I was like "Oh, my God, whose baby is that?
"Somebody's baby at Beyonce's show."
You'll all be saying that. "Whose baby is that?
You can't take my joke to work.
'Cause it don't work. 'Cause they don't know what you mean.
You know what you mean, they don't know.
You be at work "Whose baby is that?"
"What the fuck wrong with you, Felicia?
"You been saying that goofy shit all motherfucking morning.
"There ain't no fucking baby in here.
"Yes it is, 'cause you ugly as fuck!"
Y'all looking good, feeling good, I'm gonna take y'all back to the beginning.
Remember the first date? The first date is amazing.
I love the first date 'cause everybody's energy is sexy and cool, right?
You like her, she like you?
And ladies never understand that men are excited too
when we meet somebody we like, it's not just y'all.
But y'all don't know our side.
First of all, if a man like you
and he meets you, he is excited.
There's three things that I know a man's gonna do
when he meets a new chick that he likes.
First of all, he's gonna get a haircut.
Number two, he's gonna buy some new sneakers,
and number three, he's gonna get his car washed.
Don't ask me why, that's just the way it is.
First thing is the barber shop, every dude in here I know
that get their haircut, your barber is your man.
He is a sports guy, he's basically your therapist and your best friend.
So you get in the chair, "What up, Todd."
"What's up, boy?" "I'm good. You gotta take care of me today, man.
"Come on, man. Your line long. You got a lot of people here.
"Come on, dog, take care of me.
"Just fade out the back for me, give me a little temple fade and shit.
"You gonna do the shit with the towels and razor? Yeah, hook me up.
"I want my shit smooth.
"Where you going, man? Go ahead, man.
"Why you all in my business? Go ahead with all that."
"Oh, motherfucker, you must've met somebody.
"Hey, man, what's up?
"Of course, of course!
"What she look like?"
"She finer than a motherfucker.
"I'mma scoop her up right after you cut my hair.
"I can go get her.
He like "Yo, what's up? Where you meet her?"
"At the Bill Bellamy special.
"She was in there with her girls and shit.
"I pulled up, she's smooth, lives in Brooklyn.
"I'm gonna scoop her up real fast, gonna be fly."
"What you gonna do?" "I don't know, give me a minute, let me think.
"It's gonna be fly, I got something. I'll call you tomorrow."
'Cause he your man he rooting for you.
"Hit me tomorrow let me know what it is."
Boom, that's the guy's side.
Lady's side, super dope.
But it's different 'cause she got like nine chicks
She got a crew of chicks and shit.
She getting out the shower, her phone been blowing up.
She like, "Hello, bitch we've been calling you.
"What is the problem?
"Pam called me and told me you met somebody.
"You know we've been praying for you.
"You know we've been praying for you."
"Oh, my God, yes. I met this guy at the Bill Bellamy show.
"Yes, he is so handsome. What?
"Listen, I don't know, this is my first date, I don't know."
"Bitch, what does he... Where is he... Where y'all going?
"He could be crazy.
"What's up?"
"He's coming to get me in like 20 minutes. Y'all gonna make me late.
"What is the problem? Why y'all sweating me?"
"Call us back, we'll talk, we'll talk 'cause Kima said
"you were going out with this new dude and we don't play that shit.
"He got Instagram?"
The be like the Feds.
"Let me check him stories, let me call you back."
Click.
She getting dressed.
She gonna look beautiful, it's the first date. It's the beginning.
If it's summer time she gonna throw on a sun dress.
Sun dress, women, you know it's a go.
It's beautiful. The dress is just sexy as a motherfucker.
'Cause the fabric is thin.
And if your lady got a nice body it make her sexy when she walk.
You don't even know where the booty at. You'll be like...
You're like "I know it's in there."
It's in there somewhere.
'Cause it look like the booty in the curtain.
That's why they wear it so you can look. You know what I mean?
You go pick her up and shit and she look beautiful.
You know, hair done, nails done, everything.
She got on that sun dress, titties all propped up.
Put a little glitter on her titties and shit.
Yeah, so when you looking at her titties,
they look like you're looking at a galaxy.
"Goddamn her titties are like a galaxy."
You gonna ring the doorbell.
Out of nowhere, she just comes to the door.
Hey.
You're like "Damn, baby.
"Shit.
"You look good. What's up?"
"Oh, this ain't nothing.
"This is just a dress.
"You like it? This is just a sun dress I put on."
And she give you the little two second fashion show.
"This is just me."
And when she turn around, you go "Let me see that booty there.
"Yeah, baby, you look good."
She smells so good too, like, damn.
"We are gonna go to a very special place."
"You know what, you're in charge, let's go."
Put her in the car.
The whole time you're just looking at her like, "Damn, that's my boo right there."
You don't even know she's a freak.
It's the beginning.
You got a freak in the car and you don't even know it.
You're on your way to the restaurant.
You know you looking at her.
She looking at you. Y'all having a good ass time.
And she's like "Babe, you look so handsome.
"You got your hair cut?
"Yeah, my boy took care of me and shit."
"You like it? "Yes, you look good. It's nice.
"Where we going?"
"Oh, I'm just taking you to this beautiful restaurant right on the water.
"My homeboy, we went to college together he went to culinary school.
"And he hooked it up, he's a chef now. He's got his own spot.
"He gonna hook it up for us. Everything, five course meal. It's gonna be fly.
"For real? What?"
"Yeah, it's gonna be shellfish, we got lobster, we got shrimp.
"You know, steak, lamb, you know what I'm saying. You got any allergies?
"Not really, I'm just allergic to the bullshit. You know?
"So how far are we from the restaurant?"
"Well, it'll be a few minutes once we come over the bridge."
She is so turned on 'cause you the man, you got it set up nice.
"Oh, my God, this is..."
When you come to the light, that's when you realize
She is a freak.
She just sitting at the light, it's quiet.
Out of nowhere she just says some crazy shit.
"Babe, um...
"I just want you to know that this is your pussy."
You ever had a woman say some shit to you and you're kind of stuck?
'Cause you don't really know what to say.
You're like "Damn...
"I never had my own pussy.
"I always wanted my own pussy."
"No, I'm serious, this is only for you, do you know that?"
"Okay, alright."
"And I shaved it for you.
"It's smooth, do you want to see it?"
"Absolutely."
I ain't doing shit.
You gotta do it, you gotta see 'cause it's so fucking sexy. Right?
You're sitting there, your heart beating.
"Do you wanna see it?"
She lift up the sun dress.
No panties.
And you're trying not to look. You know what I'm saying?
But the man in you, you gotta do it.
You're like "Baby, you trippin'.
"Damn, that shit's smooth."
"Right? Right?
"Right?
"Do you wanna touch your pussy?"
""Absolutely.
"I ain't doing shit so, uh...
"Right here?" "Yes, before the light changes. You scared?"
"I ain't scared. Like right now?"
"Yes, touch it.
"It'll be sexy, you can touch it."
You gotta do it.
You just reach over in the car and this is all you hear in your car.
Like goddamn!
You got some wet ass pussy.
Two seconds later, there's a dude on the window.
"Sylvia Danica Johnson!
"You got me fucked up, bitch!"
I'm Bill Bellamy. Thank you.
Party people in the place to be!
New York City, what's going on?
Make some noise in here. What's up?
Ladies and gentlemen, I am the one and only,
K-I-D. Kid Capri!
I want you all to welcome my man,
your man, everybody's man,
one of the funniest comedians in the world,
Bill Bellamy!
What's up, New York? Y'all feeling good? Then say "Hell, yeah!"
Hell, yeah!
Make some noise for my brother, Kid Capri.
Y'all can't even see me, man. I'm so happy to be here in New York City.
Shit! Y'all ain't got no mask on. You don't give a fuck.
Let me tell you what I learned from Corona, you ain't supposed to see your kids every day.
Not every day. I don't care how much you love your kids,
you ain't supposed to see them all motherfucking day.
My kids didn't go back to school, that shit pissed me off.
My kids did not go back to school.
That was the only way I was going to make it, I said, "When these kids go,
"this going to be all right."
They were like "No, we ain't going, ain't no more school."
I know every parent was like, "Fuck!"
My kids stopped getting dressed for school, that's how bad it got.
They just got out of bed, "Ugh, I'm in school."
I went in my daughter's room, she laying on the bed.
I'm like, "Ain't you supposed to be in school?"
She's like, "Daddy, stop, this ain't school school."
She had her screen off. Do you believe this shit?
Her screen is off, I was like, "Bailey,
"why do you not have your screen on?"
She's like, "Daddy, I don't have to see her, I can listen."
I said, "I'm paying full price,
"you going to see her today."
That's disrespectful, I love teachers.
Ain't no way in the world you should have your screen off,
when your teacher trying to teach you. Clap for that.
See that would be like, when we was little,
that would be like us going to school and turning our desk this way, "I ain't doing math."
Then another thing I learned about Corona,
you ain't supposed to be with your loved one every day, either.
I don't care how much you love your wife or your love partner. Whatever he or she mean to you
you ain't supposed to see nobody every day.
All day.
You've ever been with somebody so long, you be like,
"Go out there and see if that Corona real, go ahead."
They say that some people are asymptomatic, you hear about this?
Asymptomatic, that means they don't feel shit.
Full of Corona, though, they're just in the club.
Everybody else in the club, dead.
I'm so sick of God damn Corona,
I wish we knew what Corona was like, for real.
Like, what if people who had Corona was blue? At least you could see it.
Right, you'll be in the club like, "Oh, shit, hey, man, you and your girl
"are blue as fuck, brother. Go ahead, bro."
Corona messed up everything. You can't even eat pussy no more.
No, you got to eat the pussy you know, you can't be eating no new pussy.
Not till 2035.
God forbid, you eat some pussy tonight.
You're drunk, you got... You know, sometimes you just want to do it. Yum, yum, yum.
You don't do no random chick, like...
Turn out the lights, "Whoa." Your pussy's blue.
Corona made me realize that you can't break up, neither. You can't break up.
You and her, y'all can't go nowhere.
You can't leave her, she can't leave you.
Ain't nobody else want y'all.
'Cause you got too many questions.
Was you ever blue? Was he blue?
Oh, my God, what's wrong?
Can't get a divorce right now.
'Cause the line too long.
By the time you get up there, you're like, "Man, are you hungry?"
"Shit, I ain't even mad no more, boo. Let's go."
And now they want everybody to take the vaccine. You seen this?
They want everybody to take... "Please take the vaccine. Take the vaccine."
Oh, you know they want black people to take it, they'll be like,
"We give you 18 pieces of chicken." We're like, "Mmm."
"Ah, man, 18 pieces? Shit, it can't be that bad."
I'm not taking that vaccine, I'm just telling y'all right now.
I ain't fucking with the vaccine.
I'm going to let all the white people go first.
I'm going to see y'all in two years.
First of all, most black people ain't taking the vaccine
and if I know my black people we ain't taking no vaccine,
'cause we got our own vaccine, it's called Vicks.
Yeah, everybody black know we got Vicks
in our house and Vicks fix everything.
Remember when you was little, you had a cold, anything was wrong with you
what's your Mama do, "Come here boy.
"Come here, let me put this Vicks on you. Wait a second.
"Let me put this on your chest. Turn around, rub it on your back, okay, hold on.
"Hold on, put this under your nose,
"put it under the soles of your feet, put it on your sweat top.
"And when you wake up in the morning, that Corona be gone."
Let me tell you, to this day, Vicks is probably the strongest
motherfucking thing I've ever seen in my life.
Let me tell you, I know something for a fact.
Put fucking Vicks all over your body,
just rub it all over your body.
You can walk into a whole room of Corona,
Corona will be like, "God damn.
"Oh, my gosh, somebody got Vicks on here."
But I'm going to tell you the real reason I don't want to take the vaccine.
'Cause I saw the nurse black out on CNN, did y'all see this?
On live TV, she was the first person to take the vaccine.
The shit was hilarious.
And she wanted to take the vaccine, she was like, "All right. I'm here now.
"And I'm head of Pediatrics at Cedar Sinai Hospital.
"And as an essential worker and a first responder,
"I think it's important that I protect myself and my patients
"and I am willingly going to take the vaccine today.
"It's perfectly safe. It's perfectly safe."
This bitch rolled up her own sleeve.
"Go ahead. It's... Everybody relax. Go ahead, hit me with the needle."
They hit her with the needle, on TV,
I'm not making this shit up. Bam, this bitch is like, "Oh..."
They was like, "Go to commercial, this bitch blacked out.
"Man, get your ass up!"
Oh, my God.
Then we had those crazy ass,
you know, all the crazy people
just ran into the Capitol building. You see this?
Trump supporters went crazy then.
Ooh, I was... 'Cause I didn't know it was real, 'cause I didn't have the sound on."
I was like, "Oh, this must be the new Die Hard. What's going on?"
And the funny shit to me was, it was Trump's fault.
You know why? 'Cause Trump gassed them up.
He started talking to them on TV
like he was a gangbanger, he was like,
"Oh, everything I love.
"If y'all fuck with America, you fuck with me.
"Turn the fuck up."
Them white people was like, "Fuck, yeah! Fuck, yeah!
"Let's fucking go over the wall!"
They ran into the Capitol
with no direction, "Where are we going? I don't fucking know."
Just running there. "Where the fuck. That's a bathroom.
"Oh, my God."
They busted in the Senate, "We're in here.
"Fuck.
"Where's Pelosi, you bitch.
"Fuck, I don't know.
"These are the same chairs from CNN.
"Hey, babe.
"You got your phone?
"Take a picture."
Y'all know that's a crime, right?
You know that's a real fucking crime?
That's a federal motherfucking crime.
That's 20, 30 years, right there.
I went back and watched the tape.
There was a lot of black people out there.
But they ain't going into that God damn building.
'Cause black people, we know crime
and we know time.
When those white folks ran in that motherfucking building, black people was like,
"Oh, shit, y'all on that bullshit
"I thought you said Capitol Grill, bro.
"Oh, no, I ain't going in that motherfucker, bro.
"I thought we was getting some butterfly shrimp."
And I'm going to be honest with you,
I can tell it was a lot of white people's first crime.
You know, I could tell.
'Cause you could tell some of those white people
had never committed a crime. And let me tell you why I know that.
'Cause they were just doing some dumb shit. Now, white people, if you're here tonight
and you're going to do your first crime,
please don't do this shit. "Hi,
"I'm Emily Ferguson.
"And this is my husband, Todd.
"And we're going over the fucking wall."
You're going to jail, Emily.
It's a crime, Emily.
Now, what people don't know
is that they're going back
through IG posts,
going back through Facebook posts, triangulating phones.
They know everybody that was in the area.
Everybody that went into that building, you know, that was Emily's first crime.
She forgot she ran over the motherfucking wall.
Emily is in Costco.
Just getting food for her kids, she don't know she in trouble.
She's just walking down aisle nine, "Excuse me,
"is that ricotta cheese?
"Oh, my God, I love cheese so much. Are you kidding me? Yes.
"That's why I love Costco, you guys have such great samples.
"Oh, my... Sir...
"Oh, my God, Rose all day.
"Of course I want Rose, I'm shopping. Of course."
Out of nowhere, 30 federal agents show up.
"Is something going on in Costco?
"Emily Ferguson?
"Who's asking?
"Was I in D.C? I travel.
"Who went in the building? Are you kidding me? No. I don't recall that.
"Oh, you have tape?
"I mean, let's see it. Press play.
"Well, that's definitely Todd."
And now we got old man, Biden, right? We got old man, Biden.
The oldest president ever, old man Biden.
One thousand years old.
Every time he talks, I think "That's it. That's the last one."
Why would you want to be the President at 80 some years old?
It's just so hard of a job,
it's rough, it takes years off your life.
Think about Barrack Obama. Let's go back in your head.
Do you remember how young
Barrack Obama looked when he went into office?
First of all he walked in that motherfucker, he was young.
Looking like Denzel Washington, he came in that motherfucker.
Had them tailored suits. "How you doing, everybody? I love you, I love you all."
Eight years later, he was Morgan Freeman, "You've seen Sasha and Malia?
"Michelle, you seen Sasha and Malia?"
Like this motherfucker looks like Uncle Ben on a rice box.
I say, "What the fuck?
"What happened to Barrack?
"What happened?
"What happened to him?"
But shit is crazy, man.
I don't know if you saw the Tekashi69 documentary, anybody seen that?
Interesting dude.
I didn't know he created a character online, it's a true story.
He created his own character, 'cause he wanted to be famous.
But he went online, on Instagram, talking shit everyday.
All over. "I'm a gangster, I'm this, I'm that."
But he got rainbow hair, whatever. He's still gangster.
One day he's a blood, next day he's a crip.
He is a motherfucking gangster.
What these young guys don't realize is that the Feds
have Instagram too.
So keep on talking, somebody writing that shit down.
And when the Feds come, they don't play.
They came to him and hit him with 52 years.
I know y'all heard this shit in New York, 52 years, he snitched
on everybody.
The man is on the street right now.
I thought the shit was brilliant.
I call him my cousin, 'cause I can't believe the boy beat the game.
Now back in the day my cousin used to be in the streets, heavy in New York, right?
So I called him up.
Cuz, what's up, this is Bill, man. Did you see this Tekashi shit, dawg?
He beat the motherfucking game. He's like, "Bill, come on, don't call me with that bullshit.
"Don't fuck up my day, dawg. Don't fuck up my motherfucking day.
"I don't talk about snitches, I don't talk about rest.
"Back in the day, I was in the street doing my thing.
"I risked my life every motherfucking day.
"I'm going to tell you something, I know real G's.
"If he's a real motherfucking G, he would have ate them years."
I said, "All of them?"
"Shit!
I'm not that hungry.
Mmm-mmm. I am on a diet.
Tell you right now, I ain't eating 52 years for nobody.
Look at my face, read my lips.
You do a crime with Bill Bellamy,
I am going to tell.
I'm going to tell. I'm going to tell everything I fucking know.
The shit you forgot to do.
Shit you was supposed to do.
The shit you really wanted to do.
And I'm bringing the cops to your house, me and 400 cops.
At the front door.
"Yeah, this is where he be hiding.
"Jerrod!
"They here with me.
"Yeah, we came to get you.
"And they're in the back too, 'cause I told them you like to run."
I ain't going to no God damn jail.
First of all, it's too easy for black men to go to jail, let's keep it real.
It is not fair for black men, we do anything wrong we go to motherfucking jail.
Life is too hard. I know you heard about Will and Jada. You heard about Will and Jada?
Whoo! That was the scandal of the year.
Will and Jada had an entanglement.
I know you heard about this shit.
'Cause I heard about this a couple of years ago.
I didn't know it was true, right? 'Cause I live in L.A, you know?
People talk, people whisper, you go to a couple of parties
and people start drinking they get to talking.
"You know, Bill, Jada back in them streets."
I'm like, "Yeah, where she at?"
Now, the rumor was that Jada was having an affair
with this young R&B dude named August Alsina. I know y'all heard about this shit.
And she was fucking the shit out of this man.
I'm telling you, she was hitting it with that grown woman pussy.
"Jab, jab, jab, jab."
Now, it will heal you, but it will kill you.
Homeboy fell in love with Jada.
She broke up with him and he lost his motherfucking mind. Whoa!
He started telling everybody. I know y'all heard about this, this shit was crazy.
He went on The Breakfast Club, he went on Sway, it was nuts, it spread like wildfire.
This shit got so bad that Jada and Will had to do something.
Jada had to do an announcement on Red Table Talk.
Please tell me you've seen this shit.
I'mma tell you right now, Will Smith is my hero.
He a better man than me, he took this shit like a G.
She told her husband that she was fucking somebody else on her show.
Will was sitting there and he was like, "So, Jada,
"what's going on?" She was like, "Um...
"well, Will,
"you know that the social media and the..."
"All this news going around, some true, some not.
"I'm just going to get right to it, 'cause I brought you here so we can control the narrative.
"And, um, I'm just...
"I'm just going to say that...
"I had an entanglement."
And everybody else was like, "Google it, Google it, Google it."
But the crazy part about it was I was pissed at August Alsina.
'Cause how you mess up that job?
That was a wonderful job.
I can tell he ain't see my movie How to Be a Player at all.
Now he got the game fucked up, bro.
First of all, you young.
Jada Pinkett, that's a lay-up.
That's a lay-up. How you fuck that job up, bruh?
That's a ten to 12 year run.
Think about it,
all you got to do is be Jada Pinkett's boyfriend on the low.
How bad can it be?
What you got to do? See her once, twice a month?
Maybe go by there, drop some dick off.
Sounds like a bargain.
You ain't got to buy her shit.
Let Will do that.
Jada should have picked me.
We'd still be together.
'Cause I ain't going to fuck it up. I know what I'm doing.
First and foremost, I'm going to get cool with them kids.
Okay, be like, "Hey, Jaden, hey, Willow, how y'all doing?"
"Hey, Uncle Bill, why are you here today?"
"Take care of your Mama."
Every time you see me, I'm going to be with them.
Every time y'all turn on TV, TMZ, you're going to see me.
Y'all be at home talking about, "Hey, where's Bill and Jada?"
"Ain't that crazy? They're always together. Where's Bill and Jada?"
Next thing you know, I'm in Bad Boys 9.
Smart.
Another thing I learned, fellas, I'mma share this with you.
August Alsina taught me a valuable lesson,
I'mma share with all the fellas in here.
August Alsina taught me that men
are not made to be side chicks.
Say that one more time, men are not made to be side chicks.
Think about it, in that case, the man
was the side chick.
You got Will, you got Jada,
you got August Alsina in the middle. Think about it.
Jada ain't leaving Will motherfucking Smith
for a dude with one single. I don't think so.
I don't think so!
And for the ladies, it made me appreciate women in a different way.
Think about this, ladies. Most men never know
what it's like for a woman to be a side chick.
'Cause we never have to think about it.
First of all, ladies, I respect any woman that chooses
to be a side chick, 'cause number one, it is a volunteer job.
Hey, you don't have to, you want to.
But ladies, if you're going to be a great side chick,
you got to know the rules of engagement, okay?
Rule number one, you got to know your holidays.
Okay? You've got to know the holidays that don't pertain to you.
Okay, you're not getting Valentine's Day,
you're not getting Christmas, you're not getting New Year's or New Year's Day.
But you are getting other holidays, like Groundhog Day.
You know, April's Fools Day.
Labor Day, shit like that.
Now, any ladies in here, if you are a side chick, blink.
They in here like, "He plays too much."
"Oh, my God, why is he in my business?"
But I'll be honest with you ladies,
I think women are better at being side chicks for one important reason.
Women know how to process their feelings better than men.
Period. Women understand their feelings better than men.
'Cause for a woman to be a good side chick,
you got to have emotional discipline, right?
You got to stay in your lane, you got to know who you are, you got to feel it.
You got to know. You don't get outside your lane, you don't get swervey with the shit.
Stay in your lane, women are better at that than men.
I'mma give you a perfect example.
Women understand time and place.
Let me say that again, women understand time and place.
Okay? I'm going to give you an example
about what I'm talking about, okay?
This is pretend. Not trying to fuck up anybody tonight.
This is pretend. Just play along with the story.
Let's pretend that there's a lady in here right now
in a relationship.
Having a good time with her guy, came to see the Bill Bellamy special.
Cool.
But there's another guy that she fucked with
on the low, okay?
He decides to walk in here with another woman.
Being real. First of all I'm not going to tell you that she not going to feel some type of way.
But it ain't the time and it ain't the place.
She not about to fuck up her night
at the Bill Bellamy comedy special
over you!
Not the time, not the place.
She's sitting there with her dude, "Babe, this is so good.
"Bill Bellamy is so funny, right?
"Thank you, he is stupid.
"Oh, my God."
Out of nowhere, the dude she fucked walk in here, she like, "Oh,
"Mmm.
"Ooh, the devil is so busy.
"Mmm, no he did not.
"It is what it is.
"Do you, baby. 'Cause I'mma do me.
"Babe, when the lady come back can we just get a double Hennessy?"
'Cause she going to have a cocktail, 'cause she needs a moment to process
what she see and how she feel about it.
She ain't going over there to blow your spot up.
It ain't the time, it ain't the motherfucking place.
She might hit you three days from now
on some smooth shit.
"Saw you with your little bitch at the special.
"LOL."
There ain't a man in this entire theater
that can do that.
None of y'all motherfuckers.
'Cause men can't process their feelings like that.
We're not wired like women.
Women can do all that shit, make all them decisions in seconds.
Dudes, we just short circuit.
First of all, men don't know their feelings like that.
Men don't know how they truly feel.
First of all, most dudes don't even know they love their side chick.
Yeah. 'til she's with her real husband.
Look at all the dudes, like, "Next joke.
"Damn, dawg.
"This a seminar or some shit?"
That's right. It's true.
'Cause men learn their feelings in the moment.
Show you what I mean, ladies, we're going to flip this the other way.
There's a dude in here, right now
with his lady, having a good time.
Okay? Came to see the Bill Bellamy comedy special.
There's another chick he fucked with
on the low.
She going to walk in here with her real husband.
Now, it should be even money,
he riding dirty anyway.
It should be even, she with her man, he with his girl.
But real life don't work like that.
Real life, get real.
He ain't here like, "Yo, babe, listen, I told you
"I was going to take you to see Bill Bellamy right?
"Shit, he mad funny, I know, shit."
The chick he fucked went walking with her real husband.
"Bitch, you got me fucked up.
"You got a lot of motherfucking nerve, bitch. You see me?
"I should kill you and your husband on everything."
He forgot he was with somebody.
She like, "Babe, what's wrong? What's wrong?"
"I don't fucking know.
"I just know bitches ain't shit."
He's staring at her.
She's with her husband, she's like, "Stop."
Her husband don't know what's going on.
She laying up on her husband.
What else she supposed to do? That's her motherfucking husband.
She living her real life.
He can't take it, 'cause he ain't ever seen her with somebody.
"This bitch got me fucked up.
"Please don't tell me he drinking.
"If he drinking, it's going to get real."
The liquor starts talking. "Man, she acting like she don't even fucking know you.
"Alright, it's like that.
Alright. Sylvia Johnson!"
She like...
Her husband don't know what's going on, he like, "Babe, babe, who that?
"Who the fuck is that?"
"I don't even know.
"I think he works at the post office."
She don't know what the fuck to say.
Well, he in his feelings 'cause he ain't get no energy from her.
And it's in front of his face.
"This bitch playing games, alright.
"It's like that, alright."
He going to go in his pocket, 'cause dudes and their feelings get pettier than a motherfucker.
"Tell your husband who bought you that diamond bracelet."
She ain't giving him no energy, so he going in the bag on this one.
'Cause he want her husband to know.
He know it like that.
"Alright, bitch.
"Sylvia Danica Johnson!"
This motherfucker said her middle name.
Don't nobody know her middle name.
Now her husband knows something is going on.
"What the fuck going on, baby? What the fuck going on?
"Why that dude... How the fuck did he know your middle name?"
"It's on the mail."
A lot of dudes ain't laughed.
That shit hit different though.
A lot of y'all are like, "Damn, I might be a side chick."
But that's how the game goes, just be honest
See, it goes both ways, fellas, the game ain't fair.
You know you got chicks out here like Cardi B and Megan Stallion.
Got these chicks up here, turned up.
I know y'all know the hottest song last year, it was WAP.
Number one song of the world was WAP.
And if you don't know the song, the song mean Wet-Ass Pussy.
That was the song. Wet-Ass Pussy.
Took the world by storm.
Let me tell you something ladies in here with your little wet-ass pussy.
Keep that shit away from me.
I don't want no wet-ass pussy.
Wet-ass pussy ain't nothing but crack cocaine.
Wet-ass pussy is dangerous.
Let me tell you what wet-ass pussy do to men. Shit like this,
"Sylvia Danica Johnson!"
Got me fucked up, bitch.
I don't need no drama. I don't want to wet-ass pussy.
Ladies in here with your little sloppy choppy,
your little super soaker,
Say that shit.
I don't need it. I'mma tell you what I want in my life.
All I want is just some grown-ass pussy. That's all I need.
Grown-ass pussy. Gimme that, get out.
Fuck the WAP, gimme the GAP.
Shit, it ain't wet wet, but it's wet enough.
Shit, flunk it in a tub, it will be wet wet.
I am stupid as fuck.
If you're in a relationship right now, clap your hands.
You in a relationship?
To be honest, the best part of every relationship to me is
the beginning.
That's right, if y'all just met, enjoy your last days, this is it.
You got three days after this special, it's a wrap.
No, I'm joking, but I'm being honest. I love the beginning.
'Cause the beginning is fun. I'm a romantic. I love love. Love is beautiful.
There's nothing like being in love. It's the best feeling in the world.
That's why I like the beginning.
'Cause ain't nobody mad at nobody.
In the beginning.
Ain't nobody got no attitude for no motherfucking reason.
In the beginning.
Women are horny all the time, right, fellas? Think about it.
Women are horny all the time. In the beginning.
Right? Need that dick four, five times a day.
In the beginning.
Remember when your old lady used to wake up in the middle of the night to fuck?
Remember this? In the beginning.
In the beginning, 4:00, 5:00 in the morning,
just need some dick randomly.
In the beginning.
Now the bitch never wake up, you like, "This bitch is dead. Hello.
"Move your leg, girl, move your leg. Let me know you're in here."
"I am so tired, why are you bothering me?"
Wasn't like that in the beginning.
Y'all on the phone all night. You talk four, five times a day.
In the beginning.
Right? Y'all just like each other.
Y'all are never mad at each other over nothing.
Y'all just talking 'cause you just like each other.
In the beginning.
Y'all on the phone, just talking about regular shit. "Hey, babe, how was your day?"
"Babe, it was so nice. Thanks for asking, babe.
"You know I love my new job, did I tell you?
"God is so good, you know.
"I've been praying and I've got the job of my life.
"I am so excited.
"Everybody in my department,
"they took me out to dinner
"and I was like, 'Oh, my God, I had such a good time,' so that when I came back
"I saw all your flowers.
"Oh, my God, babe, they are so beautiful.
"And you left me a voicemail.
"Babe, it was so sweet, and they don't know you so I played your voice for them.
"Yeah, babe, I did. I let them listen to your voice.
"And they were like... 'Bitch he love you!'"
And what did you say? "I do baby, I love you."
"Oh, babe, you are so sweet."
Remember when she never wanted to hang up the phone?
In the beginning.
Your lady would just randomly just fall asleep
in the middle of the conversation
and then tomorrow...
"Oh, my God.
"Babe, babe I'm so sorry.
"I dozed off for a second.
"But, babe, you on the p...
"Babe, you did not hang up.
"That is cute as fuck!"
And what did you say?
"Shit, I just like the way you breathe."
That's what you say in the beginning, "I just like the way you breathe."
Now, you've been with her for a while, you're like
"This bitch won't stop breathing."
"God damn.
"Go out there and see if that Corona's real."
Every lady is a porn star.
In the beginning.
Right? Right? When you first met your lady, she was wild as fuck.
Talking that shit too.
"You know when I get drunk...
"You know when I get drunk...
"I turn up."
What?
What you drink? "Tequila.
"You get me some tequila it's a go."
Bartender, two tequilas.
'Cause you wanna see what it is. Let's go.
And she's wild as fuck in the beginning
So you know, "You could pull my hair.
"I like when you pull my hair, it's real."
Some women like to get choked. That's their shit, fellas
Some women love that choke shit.
"You know, you can choke me
"It's...
"That was too much, I almost blacked out.
"I'm dizzy as fuck!"
Some women like you to bite them. "You can bite me.
"It feels good, like, bite me, not hard. But like...
"You can lick my nipples too. That feels good.
"But you don't have to lick this one, it don't work.
"Like, my left titty dead.
"What?
"It just never worked.
"So don't waste time.
"This my good titty."
We laughing 'cause it's true.
That's how it is in the beginning, right?
"Bite my back, choke me."
"Pull my hair. Oh, my God, lick me."
All that shit in the beginning.
Look at the room now. Look at the room.
Look at all these retired pornstars. Look at it.
A whole goddamn theater full of retires.
She got a bad back rotator cuff injury.
This bitch blew out her Achilles.
Bitch in the back got allergies.
"I can't do that without my spray, Larry."
"Your dick is making me sneeze.
"I wasn't sneezing until you pulled your dick out.
"Is there dust on your dick? Look at your dick."
You standing there mad as shit. Really, Teresa?
You ain't never used to sneeze on my dick, when you start this shit?
And I put some gas in your car.
And I mowed the grass and everything.
This is how you gonna do your boy Larry?
I'm from Jersey.
Came from a poor family, grew up poor in the hood.
No money, nobody in my family got no motherfucking money.
The worst thing in your life is to be the only person in your family with money. It's crazy.
'Cause every time you see your family you gotta be like, "No, no, no."
I'm gonna tell you how poor I was.
You know you're poor when you talk to yourself, poor make you talk to yourself.
When you're little you'd be like "As soon as I get my money, watch..."
Remember this? "Watch!
"Watch. I'll get my own cereal, watch."
'Cause when you're little, that's what you say. "Watch!
"Watch till I get the big box, watch.
'Cause when you're little and you got brothers and sisters you share everything.
You never get your own.
"Watch till I get my own cereal.
"Watch, I get everything at the same time.
"I'm gonna get Cocoa Puffs,
"Lucky Charms, and Frosted Flakes."
When I was a kid I always wanted to be rich.
'Cause rich people look happy to me.
When you're little you don't know,
they just look like they're just having more fun.
I'm staring at rich people, I know they thought I was crazy.
I was like...
I was like "I know they got the big box.
"I know they got their own cereal."
I'm gonna tell y'all, I'm gonna give you some true shit.
Be careful what you pray for.
'Cause prayers come true and dreams come true.
Just know what you praying for.
Most people pray for money, pray for your health.
Health is more important than motherfucking money.
If you got your health, you can make some motherfucking money.
You gotta be careful what you pray for 'cause it can happen.
I wanted to be rich.
And guess what happened.
Now I'm rich!
But I'm just regular rich.
Don't get fucked up. I'm just regular rich.
Regular, motherfucking rich!
My friends are rich as fuck!
There's level to the shit.
My friends got way more money than me.
Listen to me, trust me, believe me.
My friends got way more money than me.
I'm gonna tell you how much more money my friends have than me.
If my friends had my money, they would black out.
There's a difference between being a millionaire and a billionaire.
It's a whole other game. Whole...
Let me tell you, billionaire's like money, money, money, money, money, money.
And I learned a lot from these people.
Let me tell y'all something let me give y'all some real game.
Stop hanging around with motherfuckers that can't teach you shit.
Stop hanging around with motherfuckers that can't teach...
Humble yourself.
If you the smartest cat in the room you ain't gonna win.
You need to be around motherfuckers that can teach you some shit.
Sometimes you just listen, you learn the game.
I learned some shit I never knew in my life.
I didn't know the wealthiest people in the country don't pay taxes.
I did not know that.
I did not know that!
It is unbelievable how wealthy people keep their money.
'Cause they smart motherfuckers and play the game to win.
I'm gonna teach y'all some motherfucking game for free.
Do you know if you move every 90 days you don't pay taxes?
'Cause it's not your permanent residence.
I suggest you motherfuckers start moving.
You ever notice that wealthy people always have yachts?
You ever notice that wealthy people always have these beautiful yachts?
You know why?
'Cause the water is motherfucking free.
I just bought me a canoe today.
My ass gonna be out there for 90 days!
One of the things I did learn from the wealthiest people is that
there's a lot of them that are not happy.
That's the thing that bugged me, 'cause I thought once you get successful
everybody's happy, everything's cool.
But it's not like that in real life.
A lot of wealthy people are depressed which is weird. Right?
Got all this motherfucking money but they not happy.
I'm like "Chill the fuck out."
But honestly I learned, I live in L.A.
I see it all the fucking time.
I don't know if you heard about this guy named Steve Bing.
Steve Bing, look it up, he was a very talented, very successful man.
Had all the money in the world, decided he didn't want to live no more.
Rich as fuck.
Motherfucker jumped off the 28th floor in L.A, this is a true story.
Broad daylight.
Motherfucker, whoo! Pow!
Hit the ground, I said "God damn!"
You gotta give it up for white people.
When they are ready to go, they are ready to go.
Won't they do it? Won't they do it?
I'm gonna tell you something,
white people got commitment, right?
Y'all motherfuckers make up your mind, ain't no plan B.
I'mma tell you what I know about black people.
Shit!
Black people, we got the emotion.
We do not have the follow through.
Shit!
'Cause I know my people.
We think about killing ourselves every day.
But we don't do it.
Shit, how am I gonna kill myself when I gotta go to work?
Black people, we don't have the time.
We really don't, it's fucked up.
We don't even have the time to kill ourselves.
'Cause we got other shit to do.
Wish I would kill myself. Who's gonna pick up my kids?
And it's raining, I'm not gonna do it today.
I'm gonna have to kill myself another week.
A lot of people handle their depression differently. Right?
Mental health is important.
I encourage everybody here to take care of yourself.
Do things that make you feel good, play your music.
You know, read a book that uplifts you.
Be around family, it's important to your mental health.
Rich or poor, we all got value.
You gotta know how to handle that depression, a lot of people can't sometimes.
You know, some people forget to laugh.
Some people forget to smile.
Laughter is everything. It's food to the soul, correct?
So that's why, I'm gonna give you game like,
that's why most Black people don't kill ourselves,
'cause we do other shit before it get that big.
That's why most Black people don't go to therapy and shit.
Don't take no medicine. We've been doing shit for hundreds of years.
We just don't talk about it.
We can save white people today if we well them the shit we do.
Let me tell you what Black people do for our depression.
We take a goddamn nap.
You better lay down.
Lay your white ass down. That's what's wrong with y'all.
Y'all don't lay down. You're tired.
Take off your flip flops, lay on the grass.
Most fun I had was before the pandemic.
I was in Miami having a good time.
Having the party of my life. I didn't know this shit was gonna get that bad.
If I knew what I knew now, I would have stayed in the club.
I was having the best party of my life, hanging out with Drake,
motherfucking Rick Ross,
and motherfucking Future,
all in one night, and I met Lil Wayne at my birthday party.
This is all in Miami.
I don't know if you've ever been to this club called LIV.
LIV is crazy.
South Beach, I'm talking about South Beach nuts.
And I love Lil Wayne, don't know if you've ever met Lil Wayne.
That's one of my favorite rappers in the world.
Let me tell you what I learned about Lil Wayne on my birthday.
I've ain't never seen anybody this ugly alive.
I said, "Oh, my God.
"Whose baby is that?"
You know, that's what Black people say when they see an ugly ass baby.
"Whose baby is that?
"Whose baby is it? Who left their baby in there?
"Oh, my God, they gotta get another baby. That can't be their baby."
That's what Lil Wayne look like. "Whose baby is that?"
Well, the funny shit, nobody told me what Lil Wayne looked like in person.
So he literally scared the shit out of me.
This is a true story. This is my table, this is Drake's table,
you got Future right here,
so when you come up in the VIP you come to me and you make a turn.
So I don't even know Lil Wayne coming, on guard, bro.
I get there at 2:30 in the morning,
Wayne don't get there till like 6:00 in the morning.
So, I don't even know he on the way.
I'm fucked up.
I got vodka, I got tequila.
Drake got his own cognac.
Rick Ross is there, he got Belaire, I'm drinking shit.
None of this shit go together.
I'm drinking everything but water.
So when Wayne come I'm really fucked up, so I'm like...
I'm tripping, so I just see security
bringing somebody in the club, 'cause you know the club's dark as fuck.
So I'm standing there and shit and I see the dude's big ass security.
They got a little flash light, "Move, move, move."
And so all of a sudden I could hear something coming and...
Whatever it was, I knew it was a monster, I was like...
"Y'all don't hear that?
"I'm the only one."
Out of nowhere.
The security is at the bottom of the staircase, I turn around,
Wayne runs up the staircase. I turn around I was like "Whose baby is that?"
He scared the shit out of me in the club.
Another thing I learned on my birthday
is that Miami Airport got Homeland Security.
You heard about this? Not TSA, no, no, no.
Homeland Security.
That's the next level. Next level.
They walking around with the riot gear, bulletproof vest shit,
and them ARs. Okay, ARs. They about that life.
So white people if you want to bum rush that airport, you are gonna have a short day.
'Cause they don't give a fuck!
And they got them drug dogs in Miami, I don't know if you've heard about the drug dogs.
I ain't talking about no regular dogs.
These are drug dogs, everywhere.
For whatever reason, when you in Miami you get the drug dog.
You check-in, you get the drug dog.
You go through security, you get the motherfucking drug dog.
When you get your bags, you get the dog.
What nobody told Bill Bellamy is when you land in Miami, you get the dog.
So, I'mma tell you fellas right now, give you some information.
If you flying to Miami and you got some shit on you,
you better eat it.
Don't get caught slipping like me.
Nobody told me about Homeland Security.
I get off the plane, I don't even see homeboy with the dog.
It looked like he was waiting on me.
Soon as I walk off the plane, homeboy walked out of nowhere
"Mr. Bellamy, you just got off the Delta 737, out of LAX, step to the right."
I said "What's the problem?"
He said "I'm not gonna ask you again.
"Step to the right."
I was like "Okay.
"What's wrong?" Then he hit me with a question.
He said, "Do you have any illegal substances on your person?"
You ever been so motherfucking scared
you don't know what to say? I was like, "I don't think so."
And the funny shit, everybody was getting off the plane like,
"Oh, Bill Bellamy about to go to jail."
"Oh, my God, ain't that Bill Bellamy?"
But nobody trying to fucking help me. I'm like "Please don't leave me."
This when I knew my life was over.
He had this drug dog and it was no regular dog.
This is a Belgian Malinois. Look it up.
Belgian Malinois.
This ain't no regular shit, this is a military dog.
Highly trained motherfucking dog.
He had a brown body and a black face.
I'm like "You black, I'm black."
I'm trying to make eye contact, so maybe I can get some kind of energy.
I'm like...
The dog wouldn't even fuck with me.
He's like, "Man, go on with your little expression."
This was when I knew my life was over.
When the Homeland Security gave the dog a command in German.
That was when I knew it was a wrap on Bill Bellamy.
He was like...
Whatever that was, I knew it was 30 years.
I just started snitching, I was like "She got cocaine, too.
"I ain't the only person here with cocaine.
"She got it in her shoes."
I ain't bullshitting. I told on everybody on that plane.
When you flying to New York, New York gives zero fucks.
They ain't got no kind of real security.
Y'all just got nothing. "Go ahead with the bullshit.
"Man, ain't that deep, go ahead, welcome to New York.
"I'm about to punch out in 15 minutes go ahead, fam. Go ahead, fam."
You could drop a kilo of cocaine.
He'd be like "Hey, yo, my man, get your shit.
"I ain't got time for the paperwork, man."
New York ain't got no drug dogs. Y'all got a regular dog.
He's just sitting by the escalator.
"They ain't trained me yet."
They got this motherfucker in Harlem.
Motherfucking regular street dog.
He don't even know how to smell dope for nothing.
He's a therapy dog.
Last concert I went to was
Jay-Z and Beyonce. That was the last concert I saw, November 2019.
Ain't that crazy?
We didn't have any concerts in 2020.
It was horrible.
But I remember the show, 'cause it was amazing
I went to see Beyonce and Jay-Z.
I literally went to see Beyonce.
'Cause that's my boo-boo.
I just want to see if she feels the same way I feel about her.
I just want to see if we on the same page. You know what I'm talking about.
Every time I'm watching her doing the show, I notice that Jay-Z would bring
his little ugly ass out the back.
Why he in the way? It's not your song, move.
I paid $2,000 to go see Beyonce upfront.
So we can have a love connection.
She did all my songs, all my favorite songs.
But I noticed Jay-Z was just running out.
It's not even your song. Move.
He was fucking up shit, man.
She did my favorite song, it's called Drunk in Love.
I don't know if y'all have seen it.
You like the song? I saw the video.
I had no idea this woman was going to do the song live.
Let me show you how I got caught up.
Staples Center L.A having a good time, they told everybody
"Turn on your cellphone light.
"Everybody turn your cellphone light on."
So everybody got their light on, they turn off all the lights in the arena.
I'm like "Oh, shit.
"This shit look like a church."
Out of nowhere, they just start playing the wind shit.
The wind's...
And they just dropped all this fog and shit out the ceiling.
I was like "Oh, shit, something about to happen."
Out of nowhere Beyonce comes out of the stage.
Above everybody in this see through negligee.
I was like "Oh, shit.
"This bitch a ghost."
And when the beat drop, she start walking to me.
It was crazy, she just started walking down the staircase.
I've been drinking I've been drinking
I was sitting there like "Bitch, what you drinking?"
She sat on the edge of the stage talking to me.
Look at me, Daddy I want you
And the fatty was right in my face, I was like look at god.
Don't you know, out of nowhere Jay-Z come running his little ugly ass out the back.
If I do say so myself If I do say so myself
I was like "Oh, my God, whose baby is that?
"Somebody's baby at Beyonce's show."
You'll all be saying that. "Whose baby is that?
You can't take my joke to work.
'Cause it don't work. 'Cause they don't know what you mean.
You know what you mean, they don't know.
You be at work "Whose baby is that?"
"What the fuck wrong with you, Felicia?
"You been saying that goofy shit all motherfucking morning.
"There ain't no fucking baby in here.
"Yes it is, 'cause you ugly as fuck!"
Y'all looking good, feeling good, I'm gonna take y'all back to the beginning.
Remember the first date? The first date is amazing.
I love the first date 'cause everybody's energy is sexy and cool, right?
You like her, she like you?
And ladies never understand that men are excited too
when we meet somebody we like, it's not just y'all.
But y'all don't know our side.
First of all, if a man like you
and he meets you, he is excited.
There's three things that I know a man's gonna do
when he meets a new chick that he likes.
First of all, he's gonna get a haircut.
Number two, he's gonna buy some new sneakers,
and number three, he's gonna get his car washed.
Don't ask me why, that's just the way it is.
First thing is the barber shop, every dude in here I know
that get their haircut, your barber is your man.
He is a sports guy, he's basically your therapist and your best friend.
So you get in the chair, "What up, Todd."
"What's up, boy?" "I'm good. You gotta take care of me today, man.
"Come on, man. Your line long. You got a lot of people here.
"Come on, dog, take care of me.
"Just fade out the back for me, give me a little temple fade and shit.
"You gonna do the shit with the towels and razor? Yeah, hook me up.
"I want my shit smooth.
"Where you going, man? Go ahead, man.
"Why you all in my business? Go ahead with all that."
"Oh, motherfucker, you must've met somebody.
"Hey, man, what's up?
"Of course, of course!
"What she look like?"
"She finer than a motherfucker.
"I'mma scoop her up right after you cut my hair.
"I can go get her.
He like "Yo, what's up? Where you meet her?"
"At the Bill Bellamy special.
"She was in there with her girls and shit.
"I pulled up, she's smooth, lives in Brooklyn.
"I'm gonna scoop her up real fast, gonna be fly."
"What you gonna do?" "I don't know, give me a minute, let me think.
"It's gonna be fly, I got something. I'll call you tomorrow."
'Cause he your man he rooting for you.
"Hit me tomorrow let me know what it is."
Boom, that's the guy's side.
Lady's side, super dope.
But it's different 'cause she got like nine chicks
She got a crew of chicks and shit.
She getting out the shower, her phone been blowing up.
She like, "Hello, bitch we've been calling you.
"What is the problem?
"Pam called me and told me you met somebody.
"You know we've been praying for you.
"You know we've been praying for you."
"Oh, my God, yes. I met this guy at the Bill Bellamy show.
"Yes, he is so handsome. What?
"Listen, I don't know, this is my first date, I don't know."
"Bitch, what does he... Where is he... Where y'all going?
"He could be crazy.
"What's up?"
"He's coming to get me in like 20 minutes. Y'all gonna make me late.
"What is the problem? Why y'all sweating me?"
"Call us back, we'll talk, we'll talk 'cause Kima said
"you were going out with this new dude and we don't play that shit.
"He got Instagram?"
The be like the Feds.
"Let me check him stories, let me call you back."
Click.
She getting dressed.
She gonna look beautiful, it's the first date. It's the beginning.
If it's summer time she gonna throw on a sun dress.
Sun dress, women, you know it's a go.
It's beautiful. The dress is just sexy as a motherfucker.
'Cause the fabric is thin.
And if your lady got a nice body it make her sexy when she walk.
You don't even know where the booty at. You'll be like...
You're like "I know it's in there."
It's in there somewhere.
'Cause it look like the booty in the curtain.
That's why they wear it so you can look. You know what I mean?
You go pick her up and shit and she look beautiful.
You know, hair done, nails done, everything.
She got on that sun dress, titties all propped up.
Put a little glitter on her titties and shit.
Yeah, so when you looking at her titties,
they look like you're looking at a galaxy.
"Goddamn her titties are like a galaxy."
You gonna ring the doorbell.
Out of nowhere, she just comes to the door.
Hey.
You're like "Damn, baby.
"Shit.
"You look good. What's up?"
"Oh, this ain't nothing.
"This is just a dress.
"You like it? This is just a sun dress I put on."
And she give you the little two second fashion show.
"This is just me."
And when she turn around, you go "Let me see that booty there.
"Yeah, baby, you look good."
She smells so good too, like, damn.
"We are gonna go to a very special place."
"You know what, you're in charge, let's go."
Put her in the car.
The whole time you're just looking at her like, "Damn, that's my boo right there."
You don't even know she's a freak.
It's the beginning.
You got a freak in the car and you don't even know it.
You're on your way to the restaurant.
You know you looking at her.
She looking at you. Y'all having a good ass time.
And she's like "Babe, you look so handsome.
"You got your hair cut?
"Yeah, my boy took care of me and shit."
"You like it? "Yes, you look good. It's nice.
"Where we going?"
"Oh, I'm just taking you to this beautiful restaurant right on the water.
"My homeboy, we went to college together he went to culinary school.
"And he hooked it up, he's a chef now. He's got his own spot.
"He gonna hook it up for us. Everything, five course meal. It's gonna be fly.
"For real? What?"
"Yeah, it's gonna be shellfish, we got lobster, we got shrimp.
"You know, steak, lamb, you know what I'm saying. You got any allergies?
"Not really, I'm just allergic to the bullshit. You know?
"So how far are we from the restaurant?"
"Well, it'll be a few minutes once we come over the bridge."
She is so turned on 'cause you the man, you got it set up nice.
"Oh, my God, this is..."
When you come to the light, that's when you realize
She is a freak.
She just sitting at the light, it's quiet.
Out of nowhere she just says some crazy shit.
"Babe, um...
"I just want you to know that this is your pussy."
You ever had a woman say some shit to you and you're kind of stuck?
'Cause you don't really know what to say.
You're like "Damn...
"I never had my own pussy.
"I always wanted my own pussy."
"No, I'm serious, this is only for you, do you know that?"
"Okay, alright."
"And I shaved it for you.
"It's smooth, do you want to see it?"
"Absolutely."
I ain't doing shit.
You gotta do it, you gotta see 'cause it's so fucking sexy. Right?
You're sitting there, your heart beating.
"Do you wanna see it?"
She lift up the sun dress.
No panties.
And you're trying not to look. You know what I'm saying?
But the man in you, you gotta do it.
You're like "Baby, you trippin'.
"Damn, that shit's smooth."
"Right? Right?
"Right?
"Do you wanna touch your pussy?"
""Absolutely.
"I ain't doing shit so, uh...
"Right here?" "Yes, before the light changes. You scared?"
"I ain't scared. Like right now?"
"Yes, touch it.
"It'll be sexy, you can touch it."
You gotta do it.
You just reach over in the car and this is all you hear in your car.
Like goddamn!
You got some wet ass pussy.
Two seconds later, there's a dude on the window.
"Sylvia Danica Johnson!
"You got me fucked up, bitch!"
I'm Bill Bellamy. Thank you.