Binged to Death (2023) Movie Script
1
MTV
[bright, whimsical music]
[Kristen] Welcome to my villa,
the Sanctuary of Love,
where my best bestie Terry and I
binge every minute of every
single reality dating show.
The only place where even
the loveless can feel L-O-V-E.
Ex on the Mind.
Shelter of Passion.
I'd Have Your Baby.
The list of the Lord's
perfect shows goes on.
We've watched three different
reality dating shows
in one single day.
We do everything together.
It's not weird when
you're besties.
Sixty episodes in 24 hours--
it's easy when you're watching
your favorite couples,
like my breathtaking
Sienna and AJ.
[AJ] If it's meant to be...
it's meant to be.
[Kristen] Whose true
loyalty and love
for each other is unmatched.
[applause]
I'm surrounded by
the love of you,
my 2.4 million followers.
[Kristen] Or my sassy
and spicy Quincy and Zion,
who's like no other couple
you've ever watched.
Quincy and Zion break up
and get back together
more times than LL Cool J
licks his lips in five minutes.
"...Quincy and Zion."
#UnbreakableBond.
"Together forever!"
[Hugh] What I said
in those confessionals,
that's not true.
Producers...
[Kristen] Of course,
our absolute fave,
Hugh and Lexy.
You've never seen a cuter pair
than Hugh and Lexy.
[Hugh] How about I buy this
expansion pack for us?
You can come over,
figure out these new rules.
And I might even give you a
free brick on our first game.
[chuckles]
We cannot still be talking about
the one and only time
you beat me.
[Kristen] It's like they'd
take a bullet for one another.
I swear!
The good Lord
created both of them
just so they could be together
and give little ol' me
some hope for myself.
Little miracles proving
that love is real
and will last forever and ever.
They have to last forever,
'cause I couldn't live
in a world if it didn't.
Please say yes.
Please say yes.
Please freakin' say yes!
Say yes.
I need you to say yes right now!
Right now!
Yes! [laughs]
[screams in joy]
-[laughing]
-Yes! Yes! Yes!
[Kristen] Every single
one of us has a soulmate.
It doesn't matter who you are.
I was lucky enough to find mine.
But tragically, he was
snatched away from me.
I was devastated to lose my
one and only chance at love,
but I would never let
that happen again.
Never.
Ever.
Bitch, where's my bubbly?
[Reporter]
This just in.
Reality show stars
Sienna S. and AJ,
as well as Quincy and Zion,
have broken up for
real this time.
America's favorite couple...
What did--What did we do
to deserve this?
Mm-mm, mm-mm!
...AJ has had a roaming
eye for quite some time.
Lexy and Hugh, yeah,
they have to still be together.
-Oh my goodness.
-They, they have to!
Come on, come on...
[phone chimes]
Lexi's last post.
Hugh only liked it.
No, no playful sarcasm?
No witty...No witty quip?
Even on Hugh's down days,
he always answers with
triple heart eyes.
Does he not always answer with
at least triple heart eyes!?
Yes, even on his down days.
Triple heart eyes.
-All right, hold on.
-What?
-Hugh's last post.
-[whimpers]
-Two days ago.
-Uh-huh...
-Lexi did not even like it!
-[gasp-whimpers]
[phone chimes]
Or his post before that!
[thunderclap]
[Kristen screams bloody murder]
[thunder rumbling]
[seagulls squawking]
[screams]
Oh, really!?
Ah, yes, yes, good afternoon.
It's time to attack the day.
Now girl, you know
these breakups
have literally torn me
to shreds as well,
but you have been
in here hibernating
an entire week,
so I think you've
mourned long enough.
I will never stop mourning
the loss of true love!
I know, I know.
I won't live in a world where
the perfect, beautiful,
romantic love on TV
doesn't even exist!
Shush your mouth! Rubbish!
-Of course it exists.
-[sighs]
You have a pillow that says
"Love is love", hello?
Think about it, Ter.
Think about these people.
They're loveable and
beautiful and charming.
If love can't work for them,
how's it supposed
to work for us?
Especially me.
[Kristen] Especially you!
[sighs]
Is love even real
if these three perfect
relationships can't work?
Well...
maybe they still can.
[dark, mysterious music]
[Kristen laughs]
[Terry chuckles]
[both laughing]
[knocking on door]
[tense music]
What do you want?
Pizza delivery.
Do I look like
I eat pizza, assface?
Oh, my lashes!
[peeing]
[birds chirping]
[AJ] Dude, I'm peeing!
[pulsating club music]
[lively chatter]
Can you at least
come out and talk--
[tense music]
[horn honks]
[screams]
Do, dah, do, dah
Do, dah, do, dah
Do, dah, do, dah
Do, dah, do, dah
Do, dah, do, dah
Do, dah, do, dah
Do, dah, do, dah
Do, dah, do, dah
Dah, dah
Dah, dah
[nightmarish music]
Hello! Hello!
[knocks frantically]
Hello, is anyone here!?
Hello!
Hello, is anyone here?
Someone help!
Lexy!
Lexy! Is that you?
Hugh?
Hugh, what's happening?
Where the hell are we?
[Hugh] No clue.
I just remember
walking to my car,
and I was clocked in the head.
[groans]
[Sienna] Oh my god!
Oh my fricking god!
They've stolen our phones!
[creepy music]
[Quincy]
What the hell?
[chime]
[Farrah] Hello. I'm Farrah,
your personal digital assistant.
Welcome to the retreat.
The purpose of this retreat
is to help you restart your
beautiful love stories.
As part of your
social development,
I will first
need you to announce
your love for your partner.
Welcome to your second chance.
[sighs]
Lexy?
I've never stopped loving you.
[beeping, whirring]
Oh! It's opening!
It's opening!
[creepy music]
I still love you too.
[beeping, whirring]
[door opens]
Sienna...I...
[gasps]
[AJ] ...can see myself...
You've gotta be kidding me.
[AJ] ...maybe being able to...
fall in, in love with you.
Okay.
Um, yeah, absolutely,
I love you, AJ.
So much.
[beeping, whirring]
[door opens]
I actually mean I'm
falling in love with you!
[beeping, whirring]
All right!
[Farrah] Zion and Quincy,
you're the last ones.
Say you love each other.
Girl, I can never mean it.
[Farrah] You can stay
in these rooms forever.
[exasperated sigh]
You're the love of my life.
[unconvincingly] He's
the love of my life...
[beeping, whirring]
[door opens]
AJ and Sienna, from
Shelter of Passion?
What the--
You guys from Ex on the Mind ?
What the hell is going on here?
[Quincy] Help! Please!
Someone help!
Hey, look!
[AJ] Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
This is just like that
old damn TV show, Room Raiders .
I think we've all
just been kidnapped
on the newest reality show.
This is all just part
of a game.
[Quincy] Yeah, some game!
[grunts]
Great, we're trapped.
Like a true crime/reality
dating crossover thing?
Sounds trendy!
And high budget.
You think it's a streamer?
[whispers] Maybe...
Eww, are you kidding me?
[Sienna] I am not getting
voted off this show.
What the hell is this place?
[AJ] I don't know.
And who's coming up
with these job titles?
Apparently these
kidnappers also think
my sexual history is
more important than my PhD...
in medicine.
Is that better or worse than
filling the old-ass
uncle/dad slot?
Lexy, you...
You know I meant what I said
back in those pods, right?
You didn't just say you loved me
to get one step
closer to escaping?
No.
[frantic whispering
in background]
Well, escaping should be
our main focus.
[giggles]
Excuse me? Excuse me?
So, like, obviously I watched
all of Lexy and Hugh,
but I'm wondering,
like, who are you?
Just figuring we should get
to know each other and all.
-I'm Zion, and this is...
-Quincy.
[Zion] There is one season
out of all of these cute
little dating reality programs
that feature queer people.
Of course that's the
one season everyone skips.
I promise that the first thing
I do when I get out of here
is watch your gay season.
Queer season.
I'm nonbinary.
He's bi/pan, so...
Totally. I mean,
who doesn't identify
as those things these days?
[laughs]
And canceled!
Don't any of you care about
finding a way out of here?
[Terry] And now introducing
your beloved host,
your one and only...
please welcome Kristen!
Oh!
[reality show
suspense music]
[gasps]
Is this real?
Is this real?
Oh, oh my god.
Yes, queen!
Oh... Hello!
Oh oh, even blonder in person.
[gasps] AJ!
So good to see you.
[gasps] Hugh!
[fake British accent]
Look how fit you are!
Oh, too!
Ho, ho, ho, ho!
What any lucky girl would do
to snog the hell out of ya.
Mm!
[intense, sinister music]
Okay, that's right.
Let's take a tour of the villa.
Yes.
[music continues]
[Kristen] Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
Music on!
Help! Someone, help!
Anyone!
[Kristen] There's no need
to leave the villa, lovelies!
[sunny, upbeat music]
[grunts, sighs]
-[Quincy] Damn it!
-[Hugh] Locked up tight, Lex.
All right, this not good.
I know, right?
It's wonderful.
We have an infinity pool,
day beds,
and a whole outdoor gym for
your very, very important reps.
[laughs giddily]
[screams]
[Kristen laughs]
-Quincy!
-[Quincy sighs]
We're never getting out of here.
I'm gonna kill this bitch.
[laughs giddily]
[zapping]
[grunts]
Easy there, Ted Bear!
Not by the memorabilia!
My favorite of all time,
my pride and joy
from Hugh and Lexy's season...
Is that our bow and arrow?
-My favorite episode ever.
-[Hugh gasps]
Uh, uh, there we
go, there we go.
You all right?
You best not try
that kind of shit again.
-[comforting laugh]
-Okay?
It's okay, boo boo.
See, Terry here has
a big, black, sexy
gun, hm?
[gasps]
Do you...
I don't think I've
ever seen a real gun
on a reality dating show before,
and I think it's pretty legit.
Am I right?
Okay, now that
you've met Ter Bear here,
the cutest guy with a gun
and my best bestie in
the whole wide world--
You stop it.
You are the best bestie.
-No, you are!
-No, you are.
-You are.
-No, you are.
-You are.
-You are.
-No, no, no...
-Yuh, yuh, yuh...
-[Kristen] No, you are!
-[Terry] You are.
-[Kristen] You are!
-[Terry] You are!
-[Kristen] You!
-[Terry] You!
[clears throat]
Okay, look.
I know all this
drugging, and kidnapping,
and locking you in a room thing
can appear a tad
bit melodramatic.
I understand that.
But can we be real for a minute?
We're all reality TV
show people here, right?
So we can tolerate some
manufactured melodrama.
You're a triple
crime psycho bitch!
[cocks gun]
We understand that, you know,
you could be a little bit upset.
But!
We tried to invite you
all here the easy way.
We sent packages to
all your publicists.
We DM'd you on all your socials.
Oooh, but we knew
we had to act fast
so none of you would get into
any other relationships.
What do you want from us?
Why did you kidnap us?
Why are we in this house?
This is not a house.
This is a villa.
It's a villa.
Is it money?
Is that why you drugged us?
Oh! Lexy, bit of advice, hon.
Now, we know that you were
the sweet and loveable
virgin of your season,
but loosen up that ass
just a bit, huh?
I mean, it's a little too tight.
-Isn't it too tight?
-[Terry] A little tight.
-Astroglide you think?
-Upstairs.
Yeah, uh-huh.
See, that's your problem.
You can be too untrusting.
Preach!
We all have issues.
Believe it or not, I was a
ugly, brace-faced 15-year-old
who chickened out of
kissing Andy Whitworth
at the tenth grade hoedown.
[whispers] I should
have taken that kiss...
[creepy music]
[Kristen blabbers
and baby talks]
I should've...
Mwah, mwah, mwah.
[gasps] Oh.
But we can get through
all of this together.
And your love showed us
that we too...can be loved.
Yes.
-But then?
-Oh, tell 'em.
-Snap!
-Ah!
All your beautiful love stories,
they were perfect--
they crumbled, and
with it, our hope.
And all because of
some meaningless
little character flaws.
Trust.
Honesty.
-Lust.
-Uh-huh!
-Jealousy.
-Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Resentment.
-Oh, and secrets.
-Me?
But that's okay.
That's why we're here--
to make our broken
hearts whole again!
Thanks to us, we'll
repair your relationships
and rekindle your
beautiful love stories...
[darker] ...no matter what.
We want to prove the
love that we see on TV
is real and possible!
That's why you all are here.
[Kristen] Paradise attire.
I forgot your paradise attire.
Let me go get the
paradise attire!
[indistinct mumbling]
Can I just say?
Sorry, for the whole tasing
thing, you know?
Umm, I feel super,
super lucky
to be in your presence.
Like, you, you have no idea.
I'm like, oh my god,
they're here!
So, look, so I was
engaged, right?
Um, Devin, love of my life,
she passed away recently.
A bit tragic, but you inspired
our passion for fitness.
And you completely inspired her
to take her whole mind
and, and, and body to a whole
'nother level that I find--
-Shirts off!
-[Terry] Mm-hmm.
[Kristen] Bikinis on!
Lexy, your favorite shade
of seafoam green, of course.
And Sienna, polka dots,
like the walls
in your childhood room.
And fellas, this is your outfit.
[percussive tropical music]
[Kristen] Bottom line, people,
is that we just have to get
back to the basics, okay?
Simple, unadulterated
human contact!
Express yourselves!
Explore each other intimately!
Remember that body you
first fell in love with?
Oooh, ha!
Communicate that love--
through the paint!
I'm just still not
totally getting
the premise of this show.
Like, there's guns,
but there's also paint?
For once, I hope these
editors can not just...
make me, like, the dumbass dude.
Would you touch him
like seven other women are
competing for his attention!?
The whole world saw you
swoop up on Becky P.
and Elizabeth.
Now show us that Sienna fervor.
All right.
Yes, yes.
That fierce...
Sienna ferrrvor.
[growls]
Do you see the cameras, or--
[whispers] Yeah,
they're right up there.
[giggles]
Hey, this might be fun.
Lex...
I gotta be honest with you.
This whole innocent
virgin thing,
it gets tired after
three episodes.
Show your man--
Win him back,
by showing the sexiness
that you got, come on!
[seagulls squawking]
Lexy...we all know
that you have sexiness
all down inside you.
So bring that shit up!
Okay?
[Kristen] Passion, people!
Show me some passion!
Are you two not about passion?
Come on...
Look, you don't
have to do anything.
I'ma do everything
I can to protect you.
I can protect myself, you know.
You're the strongest
woman I know.
Matter of fact, you need to be
the one protecting me.
Just because I
broke up with you...
doesn't mean I won't
always care about you.
You're supposed to be exploring
yourself through the paint!
Through the paint...
Ahh!
Zion finger-painted my penis
on my back, didn't they?
[Kristen] You people
are ridiculous!
[Zion] Puh-leese.
[Kristen] Please show us
the same respect
you would show a nerdy woman
labeled a relationship expert.
I'm sorry, people!
Am I not resonating
with you all?
I mean, do I have to explain
every freakin'
detail of courtship?
[screams]
Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to yell.
I'm sorry.
[Terry] Breathe,
breathe, breathe.
Come on, breathe it in!
Come on, suck that air.
Suck it!
Suck the air...
There it is.
-Aaaahhh!
-Mm-hmm.
Good job.
Screaming is just
a temporary Band-Aid
on a deeper emotional reaction.
Screaming does
nothing but get you
forcefully kicked out of prom
in front of the only man
you've ever loved.
Okay, so...
it could just be me,
but I'm maybe starting to think
that this is not a
reality dating show.
Then I definitely
need my phone back.
Like, right now.
[Terry] Okay, listen up!
We understand.
It's day one.
You haven't had a chance to
fall back in love again yet.
-But you will soon.
-Mm-hmm.
You just need to loosen up
and get more comfortable!
And we have just the idea.
We're gonnna have a shindig!
It will send shockwaves
throughout the villa!
Come on, Terry! Terry!
[Terry] Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Shindig!
Take a look in the sky
Sunlight shining in my eye
Oh yeah, what's up
Just livin' life good
'cause the feelin' is right
We're trying to go
I got a place in mind
if you're down to roll
Uh-huh
It's right down the road
Now take a step inside, it
make you feel like gold, ha
Nice of me
Jump right in, come
and ride with me
You heard that right,
baby, life is sweet
You feelin' good vibes
seven days a week
Oh, thinking that
bad weather poolside
And you know I'm
down for a good time
You ain't gotta think twice
Yeah, ready to
start with your life
Let's celebrate
Let's celebrate
Let's celebrate
Yeah! Go ahead, girl.
Yeah, work it!
Work it like a
mid-episode montage!
Oooh, hoo-hoo!
Oooh, hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Ooh, ooh, uh, uh.
Cham--Cham--
Champagne, Champagne.
Champagne.
I need some Champagne.
Wait 'til the sun goes down
On this day, it make me say
Mmm...
[music ends abruptly]
I'm sorry.
Do you not have a dance
party every single episode
of every single day
for the entire freakin' summer!?
What, what--
Listen, I think I can speak
for all of us when I say,
we just need some
time with our phones.
So why don't we just
go back in the house--
It's a villa, Sienna!
I told you that!
It's a villa!
I have an ocean!
Totally.
My point, Kristen, my girl,
is that I am pretty good
at social media stalking,
and if you give me my
phone back in the villa,
I can track down that guy
you said you had a crush on.
What was his name again?
Andy Whitworth?
Maybe that's where
we put our efforts,
because frankly, I don't
see any of the six of us
getting back together.
[intensifying, sinister music]
[screams]
[Sienna screams]
[gasping]
-Jesus Christ!
-What the hell!?
[retching, vomiting]
Oh my god...
[retching, coughing]
Oh my god!
Anyone see my diamond earring?
Okay, Sienna, relax.
Let's just stop the bleeding.
No, no, my earring, my earring.
Can we get a first aid kit?
This is what I get
as a romantic dance party!?
At some point, someone's
going to start showing me
that love is real!
-Terry!
-Uh...
[Sienna] Can I--Can I
have my earring, please?
-Guys, my earring!
-We need help!
[Sienna hyperventilates]
So I'm thinking about
this whole no ear thing.
Maybe it could be my new brand.
Like, sympathy factor alone
will easily get me, like,
another million.
[gasps] Maybe I'll even
get my own show.
What do you think?
If we don't get up out
this house,
you're not gonna have no dating
show on no network ever.
[indignant scoff]
It's obvious we up
against some top-flight,
high-tech security system--
There's gotta be a
security mainframe.
AJ, can you please just leave
the scheming for
the smart people?
Like, if this was
Are You the One?
Hugh would be the dude
with the math charts
and you'd be the stubborn idiot
choosing the wrong match
each week.
Okay, I can do math charts.
Just because our show
tried to depict me as the--
Come on, y'all, for real!
Do y'all ever stop bickering?
We need a plan to
get to the mainframe,
and then we can dismantle
the security system.
Stop!
-What's up?
-What?
Uh...nothing better
than being able to watch
couples be intimate
in the bedroom.
Wish we had more of that
on our season, Hugh.
[tense music]
We could all take
inspiration from that.
Okay...
[Lexy] Forget escape.
The real goal should be
falling back in love.
Are you out of your mind ?
We are dealing with
some crazy-ass bitch who--
Shut up, AJ!
You don't get to
tell me what to do
just because you're the old guy.
I'm 33. That's not old.
I'm just trying to get
you to stop talking shit.
About who? Kristen?
The crazy-ass bitch is--
Be quiet!
Okay?
We love Kristen.
[AJ] Oh...
Got it.
If we have an elimination,
I'm still voting
you off first thing.
Yeah, me too.
[Kristen] Not the
horniest group, are they?
[chuckles nervously]
Hmm...
My dear, you, you know
that I think that
you're the best, right?
Um...most loveable person ever.
Right?
Right, um...
[coughs]
I don't know how to say this.
I don't know, I thought
we were gonna try to
[clears throat]
I don't know...
not cut any
contestants' ears off.
-'Scuse me?
-Yeah. Yeah, see, see,
I know that you've
worked really hard
on putting this thing together
and coming up with
all these games.
And super, super frustrating,
like, they're not falling back
in love again yet, you know?
Oh, okay.
'Cause for a second there,
it sounded like you
didn't care about love,
like you didn't care
about the fate of romance.
Like all you cared about
was some
pointless, ugly ear?
No. No.
You know what it is?
It's just that when
we talked, you know,
when we agreed to
bring 'em here, um,
you know, we talked and I,
I was like--
I don't remember
where you said hey, Terrance,
do you...
I don't know, you
wanna be an accessory?
Hm? You wanna go to jail?
[laughs]
I don't remember that.
I don't remember that at all.
As a matter of fact,
I remember you promising me
that we were gonna do
no permanent damage--
You do not tell me what
I have and have not promised!
You know that's one of
my triggers, Terrance!
[chokes] Okay, look--
Meah!
Anything that's happened
to them should be motivation.
[sighs]
[sinister music]
Fine.
Now...
if I'm not mistaken,
someone promised me
a French tip pedicure.
Tonight.
Okay, my bad.
Of course.
I'm thinkin' red tips,
just for funsies!
[sighs]
You okay?
She's only gonna
get more violent.
She's watching us
from everywhere.
What are we gonna do?
Listen here.
You remember that last
game of Baton we played?
The one when I finally beat you?
You cannot be bringing
that up again right now.
I'm not just talking about that.
I have more to say.
I promise.
Even though I was
the glorious winner,
the real truth is...
you played one of the best
games I've ever seen, ever.
You didn't give up.
That's my point.
I've never seen
anyone in my life...
without a single brick...
put up such a fight.
Like, damn.
That's sexy, like...
That makes you the most
determined person I know.
You're gonna find your
strategy sooner or later.
And this time you're gonna win.
Unlike last time.
Against me...
when I won.
[both laugh]
I have an idea.
I have to go to the bathroom.
[mischievous music]
I have a stomach ache.
Make sure to courtesy flush!
[music turns tense]
Interesting.
[music intensifies]
[determined music]
[grunts]
[grunting]
[sighs]
[music continues]
[grunts]
[creepy music]
[dildo rattles]
Carfentanil.
[door shuts]
[determined music]
[Terry] That was by far
the best season, by far.
[Kristen] It's
definitely top five.
[Terry] Of course it was.
I'll never forget the
first time they showed up.
They didn't know each other.
Mm, mm!
[Kristen] And who could forget
their first makeout sesh
at the bonfire?
They were practically ripping
each other's clothes off.
I've never seen
so much sexiness.
Nothing can top AJ and Sienna.
Remember when AJ threw
himself out the car
and jumped over the fence?
[Terry] Ran right
past the producers,
and in one fell swoop, hopped
on the back of Sienna's horse!
If love was real four years ago,
it still can be today.
That's all I'ma say.
That's a long time
to be taking a dump.
Shit. Shit.
[frantic music]
[pants]
[grunting]
[fabric tearing]
[beeping]
Where is she?
I think you're out of wet wipes.
Watchin' you.
[delightful, romantic
orchestral music]
[seagulls squawking]
-Car-fent-anil.
-Yeah.
[Hugh] What is that?
It causes instant
seizures and then death.
It's used primarily to
tranquilize oversized animals.
Or reality dating show
couples freshly kidnapped.
Well, the good news is,
I have something--
I found the security
mainframe to the smarthome.
Look at you,
climbing through the air vents
like an action hero.
I think you're
starting to enjoy this.
It's like a real life game.
You might actually win.
[seagulls squawking]
[chime]
[Farrah] Today, you are going to
separate into three challenges
specifically designed
for each couple.
I suggest you take these
challenges very seriously.
You don't wanna
piss off Kristen.
You know, when you get to know
her, she's really a sweetheart,
not to mention a great friend.
You might want to invite
her to some of your--
[Farrah voice & Kristen]
-- reunion parties sometime.
[Hugh] Oh my god, it's her.
[Farrah voice & Kristen]
Gotta go!
[footsteps]
-[grunts]
-What?
[grunts]
[sinister music]
[seagulls squawking]
[yelps]
[music continues]
What the hell?
Hey, hey, hey!
[grunts]
[whispers] AJ...
-Where we at?
-I don't know.
[groans]
[seagulls squawking]
[music continues]
[Zion] Oh my god.
Is that the asshole
you kissed in the club?
[muffled whimpering]
Hey, Mac.
[Farrah] What would
a beach resort be
without one of your past lovers
coming back to test your
relationship midseason?
If the other shows think
it's helpful, so do we.
So your next challenge is
to eliminate the interloper
and prove that no one
can get between you.
[chime]
[Farrah] Your next challenge
is in the Tiki Shack of Secrets,
to finally come clean
and forgive each other.
[both panting]
[chime]
[Farrah] Your next challenge
is a classic trust exercise--
a Truth Booth of sorts--
to decide if Hugh is
loyal once and for all.
Your challenges...
begin...now.
[loud zap]
Whoa!
[whooshing]
-Oh, shoot.
-Whoa. Whoa!
What's going on?
What?
-That's not so bad.
-[Lexy coughs]
It smells like almonds.
Almonds?
It's actually hydrogen cyanide.
And at this rate, we'll be
dead in less than two minutes.
-[Lexy coughs]
-What!?
[sinister music]
[Hugh]
[grunts, coughs]
Hey, Kristen.
Are you sure all
this is a good idea?
Hey, what if instead,
we send them on dinner dates?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah,
some nice, uh, nice clothes
and mood lighting and...
fake food they'll never eat?
Name one show on TV that doesn't
trauma bond their
contestants into love!
-Hm.
-[Kristen] Hm?
Have you seen every
episode of Ex on the Mind ?
Okay. Hm.
Well, then at least no
permanent damage, right?
Mm-hmm.
Refill, will ya, babe?
Of course.
-Help!
- [laughs giddily]
[pants]
What do we do?
[Sienna] I don't know, but...
that thing is pointed
right at my chest,
and I cannot get a bruise, boo.
Do you have any idea
how much these cost?
[grunts, struggles]
Aah!
AJ, you get us out!
You're the one hooked up
to the lie detector test!
I, I have no clue
why I am hooked up
to a lie detector test.
I don't tell lies!
[beeping]
[whirring]
[beeping becomes faster]
-[grunts]
-[gasps]
[chime]
[Farrah] Sienna
can't forgive you
if you don't tell the truth.
[moans]
[beeping]
No.
[beeping becomes faster]
[pants]
Ow!
[groans]
[coughing]
-Now what?
-It's a puzzle.
An escape room.
[coughing]
Babe, babe, get on
the platform, go!
[beeping]
[Lexy] Okay, okay!
[Hugh] Go, go, go, go!
[Lexy] No...
This crazy bitch wants us
to saw through this rope
and watch Mac
plunge to his death?
No, not happening.
I didn't know you cared
so much about the douchebag
who vampires your neck
every time we break up.
[muffled speech]
I'm not killing him.
[loud zap]
[zapping]
[grunting]
It's, it's, it's like
a prisoner's dilemma.
One of us has to
stay on the platform
for the door to stay open.
So only one of us can
run out and survive?
[grunts]
[coughs]
[Farrah] If you will not
saw Mac to his death,
we will have no choice
but to shock you.
That bitch!
[zapping]
[grunting]
I couldn't care less.
I'll kill Mac!
No, no, no!
Stop, stop, stop, stop!
Mac is a good person.
He's a good relationship
trespasser.
[zapping]
[grunting]
[pants]
You bastard!
Tell the truth!
About what?
Did you cheat on me?
[pants]
It's more complicated
than that, okay?
We weren't getting
along...for a while,
and, and...
we were allowing each
other to see other people.
What!?
[beeping]
[grunts, coughs]
[Farrah] Sienna,
do you forgive AJ?
I never gave you
permission to see anyone.
No, I don't forgive him.
[beeping]
[Sienna] No!
Oh my...God!
[deep inhale]
No ear and completely
deformed boobs.
-Tell the truth!
-Okay, okay, okay!
Okay, so, so maybe
it wasn't an agreement.
But I thought it was okay!
[beeping]
No!
[screams]
[Hugh & Lexy coughing]
[tense music]
[Lexy] All right, all right,
we can figure this out.
One of us doesn't have to
die for the other to escape.
[coughing] I have an idea.
-[Lexy] Okay.
-[Hugh] Come on.
[Lexy] Okay.
-[Hugh] Jump off!
-[Lexy] Okay.
[Hugh] Now go!
Wait wait wait, no, wait.
What about you?
I, I'ma figure it out, okay?
You go!
[Lexy] Why should I go?
You should go!
I'm not gonna leave without you.
I'm trying to save your life.
Lexy, go! [coughs]
[beeping]
[screams]
Okay, stop!
Okay, okay, okay, stop, stop!
[pants]
I cheated.
Okay?
There, I said it!
I cheated on you.
[Farrah] Sienna,
do you forgive him?
Yes, yes...
Come on, come on...
Yeah, fine.
I forgive him.
[Farrah] But wouldn't
you like to know
who he cheated on you with?
[intensifying music]
Yeah. Yeah, actually.
I would.
[loud zap]
[zapping]
[grunting]
[panting]
[Quincy] Saw the rope now!
[muffled screaming]
[Zion] I can't do it.
I'm not going to kill anyone.
Saw!
I'm not killing anyone.
[Quincy] Why are you
choosing him over us?
No!
There will never be
an "us"!
No, damn it!
I have to do every
damn thing myself!
-What do I get to have!?
-Kristen, what are you--
[sinister music]
[Terry & Farrah voice]
Okay, come on, people.
Hurry up, finish your
challenges, okay?
Come on, come on,
show your love!
Show your love,
show your love.
Awww, damn!
Who did you have sex with, AJ?
I promise you, you
don't wanna...know.
Tell me!
[tense, intensifying music]
Your mom!
I banged your mom
during the hometown visit.
I'm sorry!
But have you seen that ass?
My god...
She's a smokeshow!
[beeping, powering down]
[beeps twice]
[grunts]
[pants]
Ahh!
You asshole!
Oh!
[groans]
[groans]
[Hugh & Lexy coughing]
[Hugh] What are you doing?
[Lexy] I'm not
leaving without you.
[coughs]
-I love you.
-[coughs] I love you too.
[beeping]
[whooshing]
[chime]
[Farrah]
Nice work, both of you.
You've figured out that loyalty
and love for each other
will prevail in any situation.
[beeping, door opens]
I can't choose you.
Some people just,
they're not--
they're not meant
to be together.
And we will never be together!
What the hell!?
F-boy, f-bye.
Girl, I don't, uh...
I don't think you can kill
the queer people first anymore.
Just die.
I, I, wait, please.
I, I...
[weakly] You got any aspirin?
[death rattle]
Oh honey, I didn't
mean to scare you.
[creaking]
[muffled whimpers]
I meant to kill you!
[frantic muffled whimpers]
Our first elimination.
You know what?
I think I want some
pineapple juice.
I'm gonna get me
some pineapple juice.
-You want some pineapple juice?
-What?
Kristen, this, this
wasn't supposed to be
a part of the eliminations.
[Kristen] Excuse me?
Kristen, I loved them!
Come on.
Quincy? Zion?
What's wrong with you, okay?
I, I'm not gonna be a
part of this anymore.
I'm done.
[Kristen] Terry!
If Chris Harrison can be
replaced, so can you!
But first, I have a question.
[seagulls squawking]
[sinister music]
When you were a scrawny preteen
being bullied for your
butt-ugly pimple face
that made even your own mother
and your uncle Larry vomit--
you remember your uncle Larry!
[retches] He'd look at you--
[retches]
I said, "Don't do
that, Uncle Larry!"
[retches]
"Your face! Your face!"
Who was by your side?
Me.
Only me.
You remember when you
were a scared metrosexual
in the Marines--oorah, huh?
Being bullied by all
those manly men...
because you decided
to stay up all night
binging Are You the One?
Who did you call?
Who you gonna call?
Not Ghostbusters.
You called me!
I have always been the
only person by your side.
Devin was there before too.
We're not talkin' about Devin!
For the first time in my life,
we're talking about me.
I have always been the
only one by your side,
and the least I deserve
is for you to be by mine
while I fight for love.
I am doing what I have to do
to get at least one of
these couples reunited.
I already lost one couple.
Terry, this is what
we decided to do.
This is what we promised!
We are fighting for love.
Don't you want that?
[tense music]
Yes.
[affectionate chuckling]
I know you do.
You love love
like I love love, don't you?
You know what would
make you feel better?
Pineapple juice!
Mm-hmm.
In a golden season
finale chalice.
-Come on, let's go.
-Okay.
Let's go, here we go.
Come on!
[sinister music]
Damn, what
the hell happened to y'all?
AJ had sex with my mother.
[Hugh laughs]
Well, technically it
wasn't traditional sex.
It was primarily backdoor.
I'm just keeping it one-hundo.
Well, I'm just happy
everyone is okay.
So did you two have the
pleasure of confirming
all the reasons why
you broke up too?
Not really, actually.
Where are those two
super trashy toxic peeps
who clearly never had any
chance of winning anything?
Terry, what's going on?
I know torturing us
and hurting us
could not have been
part of your plan.
Look...
I know you went through a lot
of pain after losing Devin,
and it resulted it in this
codependency with Kristen,
but you don't have to torture--
I'm not torturing you!
Look, this, this was just
supposed to be some,
some, some harmless games.
[tense music]
Today marks a very,
very sad day for me.
A year ago today,
my fiance, Devin, passed.
[gasps for air]
[Terry] Came completely
out of the blue.
Okay?
And...
Kristen and I, we...
just need to
believe that love...
love is possible again.
[Kristen] Exactly right, Terry.
We need something to celebrate.
Only the best ros in our
season finale gold chalice.
Terry, please do us
the honors by serving us.
Now that you have successfully
completed your Truth Booth
and Shack of Secrets...
you are now one step closer...
[grunts]
...to being your
perfect matches.
And I have--hold on--
a little speech in here.
"If you feel you have your
perfect matches, then lock in--"
Oh!
[horror music]
-Oh shit!
-Oh my gosh!
[frantic chatter]
He's bleeding!
That's real!
Is that Zion!?
[Zion screams]
Dude, this is so embarassing.
[Zion moans]
Terry...
Oh my god,
will he just die?
[doorbell rings]
What!?
[whimpers]
Harold!
Oh, that dinosaur has worse
timing than a commercial break.
Lock all of them in the room.
I've gotta take care of Harold!
Take it easy, take it easy.
[Kristen] Help me, come on!
Sorry. I'm sorry.
-Terry--
-Please.
What are you doing?
Come on!
Please, I'm sorry.
-Eww.
-I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
just please...
Oh, great!
So what the hell are
we supposed to do now?
Lexy got something
that might work,
but we need to hurry.
Get up!
What?
[grunts]
[Kristen] Listen here,
prehistoric penis!
I am trying to save the future
of the world's last
two greatest couples.
What do you want!?
Our date!
I'm here to pick you up.
Remember?
I said I'd come tonight.
Listen, Harold, your
forgetfulness is in overdrive.
There is no date.
There never was one,
never will be.
Don't you wanna take
a chance on love?
I did.
But there's only one
man in the world for me.
And I've come to accept
that without him,
I can now share the love
of my favorite TV stars.
But you, Harold,
you're not Andy, nor a TV star.
Well, actually, back in 1965,
I applied to be on
The Dating Game .
You see, back then
we didn't have no reality TV,
just game shows on
the regular networks.
I could've been a TV star.
A TV star?
[Lexy] The room is literally
just down the hall.
-Follow me.
-All right, AJ, you up.
No, no, I don't really
know how to say this,
but, um, yeah, I'm gonna
have a little bit of trouble
climbing up there because...
because, well, earlier...
my, uh...
-both my nuts...
-[Hugh] [sympathetic grunt]
...they sort of, uh...
-They exploded.
-[Hugh] [sympathetic grunt]
[tense music]
[grunting]
I can help you.
Come on.
[AJ] Are you serious?
-I got you, yes.
[AJ] Thank you.
Come in here.
Give me a hug.
Oh...[laughs]
Yeah, you're welcome.
[tense music]
Hey, to the left.
All right, uh, we got the vent.
-We gotta go to the vent.
-Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, no.
Whew, whew, whew.
[pants]
[sobs quietly]
[pants]
Harold, I don't know what
part of no you don't understand,
so let me be very clear.
I am never, ever,
ever going anywhere,
not a zilch, crackin'
nowhere with you, player!
Pops! Whatever!
Even if my very
life depended on it.
Oh, all right.
I can take a hint.
Let's just order in then, hm?
Goodbye.
[upbeat music]
I'm not sure how
much time we have,
so I just say unplug
the whole thing.
No, no, no, no, that can only
make things worse for us.
A hard shutdown could cause
severe hard drive corruption
issues.
Might even lock the whole
security system in place.
I learned that first year
studying this stuff.
-Studying what stuff?
-Software engineering.
[Others] You're a
software engineer?
Uh, yeah, I tried to
tell you guys earlier,
but you just kept saying
let the smart people
make the math charts.
I thought you were a
professional surfing enthusiast.
No, the producers just said
it'd be better for the edit
if I fit the, quote,
"California bro character."
Okay, I'm gathering
the IP address
and signature information
to auto run a list of
factory set passwords.
It's gonna take a minute.
Well, hurry up.
We've got five minutes, tops.
Well, you do that.
Lex, we gotta go find a weapon.
Let's go.
Wait and see,
they cut you down
[Kristen grunts]
[upbeat music]
Didn't fall in the groove
It sinks,
but it doesn't move
I hope to god
that I'm wrong
Maybe I am the fool
I give you all I have,
but I don't have much
[buzzer]
But it's true
Baby, it's all for you
He's gotta have another
gun in here somewhere.
There's gotta be something.
But it's true
Baby, I would die for you
[upbeat music]
I've been broken
and sewed again
I've sunk to the bottom
and floated in space...
[music slows, distorts]
-Hugh!
-What?
You come look at this.
[suspenseful music]
[Harold] Kristen!
Let me in!
I'll kill that old man.
Coming, Harold!
Get on my nerves!
What--
...the hell are you doing, Ter?
Damn it!
[suspenseful music]
[beep]
Could you be any slower?
Sixty more seconds.
I'm almost through the system.
[beep]
[creepy music]
Okay.
[Lexy] She's been stalking us.
That ain't all she done.
[horror music]
Oh, this is crazy.
[Lexy] How long has
she been planning this?
Hurry up, Terry!
Harold's still
at the front door!
Damn it, Terry, hurry up!
I heard you the first time!
Look.
Look, look, look, look, look.
[beep]
Okay, here we go.
This is officially one of
the most important
moments of my life.
Wish me luck.
Hey!
All right, all the way.
Nice!
Ever since the first day
I saw you in pre-algebra,
I've loved you.
I mean, I know I wasn't
attractive enough for you
in high school, but...
for the past 15 years,
I've loved you.
I mean, I've reconfigured
my whole life for you.
I started a multimillion-dollar
flower sealant business
just for you.
I've made myself
perfect for you.
I got a nose job and I
replaced two missing teeth,
and I'm getting eye surgery
next month.
So, Andy Whitworth...
can we spend the rest
of our lives together?
Huh?
Hey, wait, you're
the one who stabbed
Lisa Miller in the eye at prom.
Okay, Arty that's,
that's enough.
That's you. [laughs]
Okay, all right.
[melancholy music]
Hey, it's not that you
weren't...
attractive enough for me
in high school.
You thought I was attractive?
[gasps] Oh my god!
Clearly I wasn't straightforward
enough back then, but...
we hardly said two words
to each other.
-I was a little shy, yeah.
-You seemed interesting.
[Friend] No way!
[friends laughing]
[Kristen] Oh, you
think I'm interesting!
[Andy] No, Kristen, you don't
have to change anything
about yourself.
About your look or your career.
It's not about any
of those things.
It's just about you.
I'm not into you.
I could never be into you.
And I know you think
some big gesture of love
could somehow win
me over, but...
it can't now, and it can't ever.
Ouch!
It's just the fake romantic shit
you see on those
reality dating shows.
It's not real life.
[crying] No.
[Friend]
Say goodbye, buddy!
[dramatic music]
[crying]
You see how this is
starting to make sense?
Mm-hmm.
Her villain origin story.
Look!
Andy Whitworth, age 33.
Schoolteacher dies.
Unexplained sudden seizure.
[suspenseful music]
Holy shit, my phone!
[phone chimes]
And I've got
2300 notifications.
-Okay, call 911.
-I will, I will.
I just need to super
quickly respond
to these follow requests,
okay, super quick.
Sienna, call someone!
Or at least post that
we're in trouble.
I'm doing it!
[sighs]
[beeping]
Will you go online
and like my post?
[beeping]
Okay, we're in!
Not now, we gotta go.
Kristen!
[beeping, door opens]
[grunting]
[suspenseful music]
I'm sorry, Z.
What the hell are
you doing up there?
This is not the time for
a reality show
confessional, Terry!
[watch beeping]
What!?
I have to go reactivate
the alarm system.
[creepy music]
Holy mother of god...
[groans]
No means no, Harold!
How did the security
system get dismantled?
Terry!
[grunts]
[corpse splashes]
Terry!
[grunts]
[corpse splashes]
[suspenseful music]
[Hugh] And now we're here.
It's just all so hard, you know?
I know I have to
propose tomorrow.
But the truth is, I don't
know which girl to choose.
Lexy, you know that's fake.
This is all...
They made me say
this for good TV.
How do I know they also didn't
convince you to choose me?
We also made for good TV.
[Hugh] [sighs]
Here goes...somethin'.
Forget it.
Doesn't matter.
I was dumb to think these shows
could ever foster
real relationships.
No, no, no!
This couldn't be, man!
I unlocked the entire
frickin' house!
[suspenseful music]
Unless someone
reactivated the system.
Let's check the front, come on.
[grunts]
Aaah!
Aaah!
Oh my god!
You're worse than
a reality show villain
they won't eliminate.
Just when I thought
we were all
falling back in love again...
[Sienna] I don't think
you get it, asshole.
AJ and I are never,
ever getting back together!
-No.
-Yeah.
-No.
-Yeah, that's right!
The only reason I ever
signed up for the dumb show
was for the followers.
AJ and I were never in love.
I just wanted to
be an influencer.
[screeches]
[grunts]
You...are...lying!
You...were...in...love!!!
[growls]
[Kristen screams]
[grunts]
[fires two shots]
[pants]
Finally!
Shoot him, you idiot!
No! No, no!
No--
No more violence, okay?
I, I, I'm not taking part
in any more violence.
Look, AJ and Sienna,
they never loved each other.
Ask AJ yourself.
He'll tell you.
AJ, why is it that you were
with Sienna the whole season?
Uh, honestly?
S-S-So I wouldn't
get eliminated.
Like, like, wouldn't you
pretend to date a girl
so you could stay in paradise
for the rest of the summer?
It's just a situationship!
[cocks gun]
Hey, hey--
[gunshot]
Whoa!
[pants]
Oh my god!
I just got shot!
This, this is what it
feels like to get shot!
[pants]
Cool.
[retches]
Not my carpet!
I feel so much better...
You are off the rails!
You are worse than
an eliminated
chick in a black SUV!
I'm not!
Shoot him again, okay?
Everybody knows a gunshot
to the shoulder does nothing!
-No.
-Yes.
-No.
-Yes.
-No.
-Yes!
[stammers]
What if you wanna do
a reunion special?
Oh, I didn't think about that.
[cocks gun, fires]
Oh my god!
Do I have to do every
damn thing around here!?
Those was real
gunshots this time.
-They were.
-We gotta go.
[Kristen] This is the
second time in 30 minutes
you have messed up.
You are making more mistakes
than a man on Euro Island .
Mm-hmm!
Kristen?
I can't be a part of this, okay?
I can't be a part of this!
What happened to love,
romanticism, and, and passion?
We find Lexy and Hugh,
or we're going to prison.
You do know there's no
endless streaming in prison.
Do you wanna miss the next
Vanessa and Nick show?
[suspenseful music]
No.
Well, then.
Help me cover the evidence,
because if I go down,
you go down.
Hmph!
I need to clean up my face.
[music continues]
Hurry, Hugh, close it!
I'm trying!
[music continues]
[clank]
Shhiit.
Hey, hey, what are you two...
-[Kristen] Don't interrupt them.
-[Terry] ...doing?
-Mm!
-Woo!
[sexy music]
Oh, this not the Boom Boom Room?
We thought we locked the door.
We didn't lock the door?
There's no Boom Boom Room
in the villa.
Not in the villa.
He, he meant the Fantasy Suites.
Yeah, yeah, we thought this
was the Fantasy Suites.
This is...way fancier
and more elaborate
than a cheap Boom Boom Room.
Thanks to all your
generous efforts,
Hugh and I were just
feeling really, um...
-really...
-[Hugh] Horny.
-Yup, horny.
-Hot.
Hey, look, we, we
just wanted to hook up
before the matchmaking ceremony.
Hey, hey, hey!
[cocks gun]
What is that, sweet Lex?
Oh, oh, this?
It's for us, for--
for, for Hugh and I.
For the, uh...
-For the sex.
-The sex.
Look, we way more kinkier
than they made us out to be.
-Mm-hmm.
-You know, BDSM?
That's not suitable
for television.
BDSM?
With a virgin?
Mm-hmm.
Well, you know what
Nick and Vanessa always say.
It's always helpful if
you try a new partner.
-Ahh...
-[nervous laughter]
[Kristen cackles]
-[Hugh & Lexy whimper]
-[Kristen laughs giddily]
[harp music]
-Kristen.
-You can't join, Terry.
Excuse me,
sorry to interrupt.
Uh, uh, uh, listen.
You, um, you wanna see this.
What!?
[Terry] She tagged our location.
This girl is so
annoying in person!
Exactly. In any minute,
we'll have all of
her 2.4 million followers
here unannounced.
Oh, Chrissakes!
You know what?
Put them in the basement
and I'll go bury the bodies.
No, no!
Why don't you leave us here?
Yeah, we swear,
we won't go nowhere!
No, the basement
is better, okay?
It'll just be for a few weeks.
A couple of months
tops, all right?
This has to blow over.
It'll fly by
quicker than your virginity.
Hah!
-We'll never survive that!
-Yeah, I don't wanna die--
Enough, enough, enough!
Look, I'm not gonna
hurt you, all right?
I'm also not going to prison
without any streaming
I hear they're finally, finally
doing another season
of Are You the One?
Oof!
I'm not gonna miss it.
Move out, let's go.
[cocks gun]
Move out!
I knew you weren't
no damn virgin.
Let's go.
Come on, let's go.
-Listen, Terry...
-Move.
We know you're a good person.
And we know a lot
of what's going on--
Shut up, shut up.
--goes against what
you believe in.
No, you don't know me.
Let's go.
[Lexy] We know you
well enough to know
you have a large
capacity to love,
and that there's
been only person
to truly recognize that.
You found your soulmate
in Devin, Terry.
You know how many people search
their entire lives for that
and never find it?
You found it.
Look, we know her death
has been difficult,
-but think about what--
-Just shut up, please!
-Shut up!
-[Lexy] Okay.
I do not have the
mental bandwidth
to deal with this today.
Let's go.
Devin died a year
ago today, thank you.
[Devin gasping for air]
[Hugh] So you can honor
Devin and her memory--
Hey!
Enough of the Devin talk.
I'm already having
a hard enough time
getting the image of her seizing
to death out of my brain.
[tense music]
-Car-fent-anil.
-Yeah.
-What does that mean?
-It causes instant seizures
and then death.
-It was the pills, Terry.
-What?
Devin must've taken
them before the seizure.
She didn't take any pills, okay?
She, she didn't have
anything besides a ros.
I said I'm not talking about it.
[music intensifies]
We need something to celebrate.
Only the best ros
in our season
finale gold chalice.
It was Kristen's ros.
Kristen poured Devin that
final glass of ros, didn't she?
Look.
I found these pills prescribed
on the day of her death.
They were crushed into Devin's
gold season finale chalice,
thus causing a
seizure and death.
Check the date they
were prescribed
and who they're prescribed to.
[tense, but melancholy music]
Devin was murdered by--
[Kristen] Oh, look at us!
We're pretending
that we're solving
an itty-bitty
true crime show?
[music turns sinister]
It's...It's not true, right?
[scoffs] Really? Really, Terry?
I loved Devin just
as much as you did.
How did Andy Whitworth die?
Think about it--sudden seiz--
Don't you dare mention
Andy Whitworth's name!
[Terry] Kristen,
did you do this?
Tell the truth, Kristen!
Tell the truth.
Did you--Did you--
[Kristen]
What are you gonna do?
Lock me up in the
Shack of Secrets, huh?
You poisoned the
love of my life?
She was not the
love of your life.
You know nothing about love.
That relationship was
all based on your...
dumb fitness passion and sex!
A lot of sex.
You know you was--
[makes sex noises]
A lot of sex!
It was not about true love,
not about dedication,
not about friendship--
nothing that you
and I have, Terry!
The only thing that
that perfectly fit,
sexy, size three woman did
was steal you away from me!
She was my soulmate!
Kristen...
And you were jealous of that.
Yeah, you're right.
But the bitch is dead now.
You monster!
[gunshots]
-[yelping]
-I'm sorry, I didn't mean--
Whoa, you shot me!
I didn't mean it.
Oh...Oh my god.
I...
Grandma gonna roll
over in her grave!
Say hi to Uncle Larry.
[panting]
Wait a minute...
Wait a minute...
This was...
This whole thing was
never about the show.
No!
This wasn't even
about contestants or, or me,
or even love.
Kris, this was about you!
I'm sorry!
Oh, sweetie...
Oh, you poor empty bitch.
Yes...you're never
gonna find love.
Stop it!
You know why?
Love comes from the inside.
And you're empty.
And you're incapable of it.
You don't know what
I'm capable of, Terry.
You suck, you--
[gunshots]
[chuckles]
[tries to speak, wheezes]
Oh, oh, oh, look at
what you made me do!
You made me shoot
my best friend!
Do you know how hard
it is to find a friend?
[laughs]
But now...I have two
new best friends, don't I?
Yeah. Yes, I do.
Security--
Security code.
One four three--
One four three--
One four--
[gunshots]
Come on!
Off to the basement you go!
Mm-hmm.
[fake British accent]
Mind your heads!
[Kristen] We have the only villa
that have stairs that
lead up to the basement.
Get on up there, you two!
See what I was trying
to do with the place.
I mean, it's like shabby chic
meets the back alleys
of West Hollywood.
So make yourselves at home.
Um, if you need anything,
just give me a holler.
[laughs] Silly me.
This whole place is soundproof,
so I can't hear you!
But I'll visit.
Wait. Kristen.
We forgot to say thank you.
'Scuse me?
We know how much hard
work you put into this.
And we know how much you
actually care about us.
And it's working.
Really?
[Hugh] Yeah. It really is.
And since the day I met Lex,
I knew we would be together
for the rest of our lives.
Oh my god...
Until that last game
of Pioneer of Baton.
[Kristen] What happened?
Lexy, you remember what happened
in that last game of
Pioneer of Baton, right?
Mm-hmm.
[Hugh] Lexy lost that game.
What!?
She didn't get a
single brick...all game.
[Kristen] I'm not surprised.
And then she showed
me her fierce spirit.
-And I never loved her more.
-Oh, my god...
But that's until
I met you, Kristen.
What?
[Hugh] You know, you
showed me how to love.
-I showed you!?
-You did.
-I did!?
-[Hugh] Yes.
-[Kristen] Just little ol' me?
-Bring it in.
Finally did something right!
Oh my gosh!
-[Hugh] Bring it in!
-[Kristen laughs]
-Bring it in.
-I did right finally--
[Lexy grunts]
[loud thud]
-Yes! Yes!
-Yes, yes.
Good god, that's so satisfying!
-Uh, uh, uh, uh--
-[Both] Uh!
[suspenseful music]
Let's check upstairs!
Dah, dah
Dah, dah
Dah, dah
Dah, dah
[grunts]
[Kristen blabbers]
[cocks gun]
It's obvious you two are
here for the wrong reason.
How about Chinese food, then?
I know this great
little place down--
[grunting]
[screams]
[suspenseful music]
[types]
[beep]
Thanks, Terry.
[chime]
Got it!
[beeping]
[suspenseful music]
-No!
-No!
Let me try!
[Kristen] You two
are so adorable.
[timer beeping]
But I think it's time
for the final elimination.
[beeping, whirring,
door unlocks]
[cocks gun, fires]
[Hugh groans]
-Hugh!
-Hugh!
-[moans]
-Are you okay?
How romantic is that!
You are such a gentleman
taking that bullet for Lexy
the way you did!
See, you, you're the winner
that America deserves!
But your girlfriend,
on the other hand--
[intensifying music]
[gun clicks]
[Hugh] Lexy, get the
hell out of here!
Get the hell out of here.
[grunting]
[suspenseful music]
-[screams]
-[Kristen] Bitch!
Oh, you...you one sassy virgin.
You know, they really should've
showed more of your feisty side
during your season.
That would've been some good TV.
Oh, girl.
Lexy, why you do this to me?
I've always only
been nice to you.
I always thought
that you and Hugh
were always good together.
I gave you guys hope.
And I thought that you
and him could convince me
that love was
possible for anybody!
I mean, it didn't matter.
The sexless.
The elderly.
The out-of-shape people like me!
What?
You know, Andy said that
true love is not real,
that true love is
only manufactured...
by TV producers.
[darker] As they say before
every commercial break...
in the most dramatic,
shocking episode ever...
[metallic whoosh]
Oh!
[high-pitched voice]
I have a headache!
[moans]
[thud]
[pants]
Nicely played.
[panting]
[tender music]
You okay?
How about this new expansion?
You can come over...
Learn these new rules with me.
And...I'll give you two
free bricks on our first game.
[chuckles]
Dinner too?
Preferably, uh, Matteo's?
You want me to
throw in a trip for two,
island on paradise too?
Is that what you need
to make the deal?
I think I could use a
break from any sorta...
-paradise island for a while.
-[chuckles]
I forgot.
[sirens wailing]
I could settle for two
extra brick spaces, though.
[chuckles] You better.
[Lexy chuckles]
[upbeat music]
I'd like to tell ya,
tell ya
Do what you wanna do
Talkin' at a table
A table for two
If you can't quite
find the words
We'll find
another way to tell
Show each other
something we've kept to
[horror music sting]
If you want, if
you want me to
[Kristen] Terry, what
can we watch next?
Oh, he's dead.
I think I found my
I think I found my person
Think I found my
Think I found my
I think I found my person
[MTV theme]
MTV
[bright, whimsical music]
[Kristen] Welcome to my villa,
the Sanctuary of Love,
where my best bestie Terry and I
binge every minute of every
single reality dating show.
The only place where even
the loveless can feel L-O-V-E.
Ex on the Mind.
Shelter of Passion.
I'd Have Your Baby.
The list of the Lord's
perfect shows goes on.
We've watched three different
reality dating shows
in one single day.
We do everything together.
It's not weird when
you're besties.
Sixty episodes in 24 hours--
it's easy when you're watching
your favorite couples,
like my breathtaking
Sienna and AJ.
[AJ] If it's meant to be...
it's meant to be.
[Kristen] Whose true
loyalty and love
for each other is unmatched.
[applause]
I'm surrounded by
the love of you,
my 2.4 million followers.
[Kristen] Or my sassy
and spicy Quincy and Zion,
who's like no other couple
you've ever watched.
Quincy and Zion break up
and get back together
more times than LL Cool J
licks his lips in five minutes.
"...Quincy and Zion."
#UnbreakableBond.
"Together forever!"
[Hugh] What I said
in those confessionals,
that's not true.
Producers...
[Kristen] Of course,
our absolute fave,
Hugh and Lexy.
You've never seen a cuter pair
than Hugh and Lexy.
[Hugh] How about I buy this
expansion pack for us?
You can come over,
figure out these new rules.
And I might even give you a
free brick on our first game.
[chuckles]
We cannot still be talking about
the one and only time
you beat me.
[Kristen] It's like they'd
take a bullet for one another.
I swear!
The good Lord
created both of them
just so they could be together
and give little ol' me
some hope for myself.
Little miracles proving
that love is real
and will last forever and ever.
They have to last forever,
'cause I couldn't live
in a world if it didn't.
Please say yes.
Please say yes.
Please freakin' say yes!
Say yes.
I need you to say yes right now!
Right now!
Yes! [laughs]
[screams in joy]
-[laughing]
-Yes! Yes! Yes!
[Kristen] Every single
one of us has a soulmate.
It doesn't matter who you are.
I was lucky enough to find mine.
But tragically, he was
snatched away from me.
I was devastated to lose my
one and only chance at love,
but I would never let
that happen again.
Never.
Ever.
Bitch, where's my bubbly?
[Reporter]
This just in.
Reality show stars
Sienna S. and AJ,
as well as Quincy and Zion,
have broken up for
real this time.
America's favorite couple...
What did--What did we do
to deserve this?
Mm-mm, mm-mm!
...AJ has had a roaming
eye for quite some time.
Lexy and Hugh, yeah,
they have to still be together.
-Oh my goodness.
-They, they have to!
Come on, come on...
[phone chimes]
Lexi's last post.
Hugh only liked it.
No, no playful sarcasm?
No witty...No witty quip?
Even on Hugh's down days,
he always answers with
triple heart eyes.
Does he not always answer with
at least triple heart eyes!?
Yes, even on his down days.
Triple heart eyes.
-All right, hold on.
-What?
-Hugh's last post.
-[whimpers]
-Two days ago.
-Uh-huh...
-Lexi did not even like it!
-[gasp-whimpers]
[phone chimes]
Or his post before that!
[thunderclap]
[Kristen screams bloody murder]
[thunder rumbling]
[seagulls squawking]
[screams]
Oh, really!?
Ah, yes, yes, good afternoon.
It's time to attack the day.
Now girl, you know
these breakups
have literally torn me
to shreds as well,
but you have been
in here hibernating
an entire week,
so I think you've
mourned long enough.
I will never stop mourning
the loss of true love!
I know, I know.
I won't live in a world where
the perfect, beautiful,
romantic love on TV
doesn't even exist!
Shush your mouth! Rubbish!
-Of course it exists.
-[sighs]
You have a pillow that says
"Love is love", hello?
Think about it, Ter.
Think about these people.
They're loveable and
beautiful and charming.
If love can't work for them,
how's it supposed
to work for us?
Especially me.
[Kristen] Especially you!
[sighs]
Is love even real
if these three perfect
relationships can't work?
Well...
maybe they still can.
[dark, mysterious music]
[Kristen laughs]
[Terry chuckles]
[both laughing]
[knocking on door]
[tense music]
What do you want?
Pizza delivery.
Do I look like
I eat pizza, assface?
Oh, my lashes!
[peeing]
[birds chirping]
[AJ] Dude, I'm peeing!
[pulsating club music]
[lively chatter]
Can you at least
come out and talk--
[tense music]
[horn honks]
[screams]
Do, dah, do, dah
Do, dah, do, dah
Do, dah, do, dah
Do, dah, do, dah
Do, dah, do, dah
Do, dah, do, dah
Do, dah, do, dah
Do, dah, do, dah
Dah, dah
Dah, dah
[nightmarish music]
Hello! Hello!
[knocks frantically]
Hello, is anyone here!?
Hello!
Hello, is anyone here?
Someone help!
Lexy!
Lexy! Is that you?
Hugh?
Hugh, what's happening?
Where the hell are we?
[Hugh] No clue.
I just remember
walking to my car,
and I was clocked in the head.
[groans]
[Sienna] Oh my god!
Oh my fricking god!
They've stolen our phones!
[creepy music]
[Quincy]
What the hell?
[chime]
[Farrah] Hello. I'm Farrah,
your personal digital assistant.
Welcome to the retreat.
The purpose of this retreat
is to help you restart your
beautiful love stories.
As part of your
social development,
I will first
need you to announce
your love for your partner.
Welcome to your second chance.
[sighs]
Lexy?
I've never stopped loving you.
[beeping, whirring]
Oh! It's opening!
It's opening!
[creepy music]
I still love you too.
[beeping, whirring]
[door opens]
Sienna...I...
[gasps]
[AJ] ...can see myself...
You've gotta be kidding me.
[AJ] ...maybe being able to...
fall in, in love with you.
Okay.
Um, yeah, absolutely,
I love you, AJ.
So much.
[beeping, whirring]
[door opens]
I actually mean I'm
falling in love with you!
[beeping, whirring]
All right!
[Farrah] Zion and Quincy,
you're the last ones.
Say you love each other.
Girl, I can never mean it.
[Farrah] You can stay
in these rooms forever.
[exasperated sigh]
You're the love of my life.
[unconvincingly] He's
the love of my life...
[beeping, whirring]
[door opens]
AJ and Sienna, from
Shelter of Passion?
What the--
You guys from Ex on the Mind ?
What the hell is going on here?
[Quincy] Help! Please!
Someone help!
Hey, look!
[AJ] Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
This is just like that
old damn TV show, Room Raiders .
I think we've all
just been kidnapped
on the newest reality show.
This is all just part
of a game.
[Quincy] Yeah, some game!
[grunts]
Great, we're trapped.
Like a true crime/reality
dating crossover thing?
Sounds trendy!
And high budget.
You think it's a streamer?
[whispers] Maybe...
Eww, are you kidding me?
[Sienna] I am not getting
voted off this show.
What the hell is this place?
[AJ] I don't know.
And who's coming up
with these job titles?
Apparently these
kidnappers also think
my sexual history is
more important than my PhD...
in medicine.
Is that better or worse than
filling the old-ass
uncle/dad slot?
Lexy, you...
You know I meant what I said
back in those pods, right?
You didn't just say you loved me
to get one step
closer to escaping?
No.
[frantic whispering
in background]
Well, escaping should be
our main focus.
[giggles]
Excuse me? Excuse me?
So, like, obviously I watched
all of Lexy and Hugh,
but I'm wondering,
like, who are you?
Just figuring we should get
to know each other and all.
-I'm Zion, and this is...
-Quincy.
[Zion] There is one season
out of all of these cute
little dating reality programs
that feature queer people.
Of course that's the
one season everyone skips.
I promise that the first thing
I do when I get out of here
is watch your gay season.
Queer season.
I'm nonbinary.
He's bi/pan, so...
Totally. I mean,
who doesn't identify
as those things these days?
[laughs]
And canceled!
Don't any of you care about
finding a way out of here?
[Terry] And now introducing
your beloved host,
your one and only...
please welcome Kristen!
Oh!
[reality show
suspense music]
[gasps]
Is this real?
Is this real?
Oh, oh my god.
Yes, queen!
Oh... Hello!
Oh oh, even blonder in person.
[gasps] AJ!
So good to see you.
[gasps] Hugh!
[fake British accent]
Look how fit you are!
Oh, too!
Ho, ho, ho, ho!
What any lucky girl would do
to snog the hell out of ya.
Mm!
[intense, sinister music]
Okay, that's right.
Let's take a tour of the villa.
Yes.
[music continues]
[Kristen] Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
Music on!
Help! Someone, help!
Anyone!
[Kristen] There's no need
to leave the villa, lovelies!
[sunny, upbeat music]
[grunts, sighs]
-[Quincy] Damn it!
-[Hugh] Locked up tight, Lex.
All right, this not good.
I know, right?
It's wonderful.
We have an infinity pool,
day beds,
and a whole outdoor gym for
your very, very important reps.
[laughs giddily]
[screams]
[Kristen laughs]
-Quincy!
-[Quincy sighs]
We're never getting out of here.
I'm gonna kill this bitch.
[laughs giddily]
[zapping]
[grunts]
Easy there, Ted Bear!
Not by the memorabilia!
My favorite of all time,
my pride and joy
from Hugh and Lexy's season...
Is that our bow and arrow?
-My favorite episode ever.
-[Hugh gasps]
Uh, uh, there we
go, there we go.
You all right?
You best not try
that kind of shit again.
-[comforting laugh]
-Okay?
It's okay, boo boo.
See, Terry here has
a big, black, sexy
gun, hm?
[gasps]
Do you...
I don't think I've
ever seen a real gun
on a reality dating show before,
and I think it's pretty legit.
Am I right?
Okay, now that
you've met Ter Bear here,
the cutest guy with a gun
and my best bestie in
the whole wide world--
You stop it.
You are the best bestie.
-No, you are!
-No, you are.
-You are.
-No, you are.
-You are.
-You are.
-No, no, no...
-Yuh, yuh, yuh...
-[Kristen] No, you are!
-[Terry] You are.
-[Kristen] You are!
-[Terry] You are!
-[Kristen] You!
-[Terry] You!
[clears throat]
Okay, look.
I know all this
drugging, and kidnapping,
and locking you in a room thing
can appear a tad
bit melodramatic.
I understand that.
But can we be real for a minute?
We're all reality TV
show people here, right?
So we can tolerate some
manufactured melodrama.
You're a triple
crime psycho bitch!
[cocks gun]
We understand that, you know,
you could be a little bit upset.
But!
We tried to invite you
all here the easy way.
We sent packages to
all your publicists.
We DM'd you on all your socials.
Oooh, but we knew
we had to act fast
so none of you would get into
any other relationships.
What do you want from us?
Why did you kidnap us?
Why are we in this house?
This is not a house.
This is a villa.
It's a villa.
Is it money?
Is that why you drugged us?
Oh! Lexy, bit of advice, hon.
Now, we know that you were
the sweet and loveable
virgin of your season,
but loosen up that ass
just a bit, huh?
I mean, it's a little too tight.
-Isn't it too tight?
-[Terry] A little tight.
-Astroglide you think?
-Upstairs.
Yeah, uh-huh.
See, that's your problem.
You can be too untrusting.
Preach!
We all have issues.
Believe it or not, I was a
ugly, brace-faced 15-year-old
who chickened out of
kissing Andy Whitworth
at the tenth grade hoedown.
[whispers] I should
have taken that kiss...
[creepy music]
[Kristen blabbers
and baby talks]
I should've...
Mwah, mwah, mwah.
[gasps] Oh.
But we can get through
all of this together.
And your love showed us
that we too...can be loved.
Yes.
-But then?
-Oh, tell 'em.
-Snap!
-Ah!
All your beautiful love stories,
they were perfect--
they crumbled, and
with it, our hope.
And all because of
some meaningless
little character flaws.
Trust.
Honesty.
-Lust.
-Uh-huh!
-Jealousy.
-Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Resentment.
-Oh, and secrets.
-Me?
But that's okay.
That's why we're here--
to make our broken
hearts whole again!
Thanks to us, we'll
repair your relationships
and rekindle your
beautiful love stories...
[darker] ...no matter what.
We want to prove the
love that we see on TV
is real and possible!
That's why you all are here.
[Kristen] Paradise attire.
I forgot your paradise attire.
Let me go get the
paradise attire!
[indistinct mumbling]
Can I just say?
Sorry, for the whole tasing
thing, you know?
Umm, I feel super,
super lucky
to be in your presence.
Like, you, you have no idea.
I'm like, oh my god,
they're here!
So, look, so I was
engaged, right?
Um, Devin, love of my life,
she passed away recently.
A bit tragic, but you inspired
our passion for fitness.
And you completely inspired her
to take her whole mind
and, and, and body to a whole
'nother level that I find--
-Shirts off!
-[Terry] Mm-hmm.
[Kristen] Bikinis on!
Lexy, your favorite shade
of seafoam green, of course.
And Sienna, polka dots,
like the walls
in your childhood room.
And fellas, this is your outfit.
[percussive tropical music]
[Kristen] Bottom line, people,
is that we just have to get
back to the basics, okay?
Simple, unadulterated
human contact!
Express yourselves!
Explore each other intimately!
Remember that body you
first fell in love with?
Oooh, ha!
Communicate that love--
through the paint!
I'm just still not
totally getting
the premise of this show.
Like, there's guns,
but there's also paint?
For once, I hope these
editors can not just...
make me, like, the dumbass dude.
Would you touch him
like seven other women are
competing for his attention!?
The whole world saw you
swoop up on Becky P.
and Elizabeth.
Now show us that Sienna fervor.
All right.
Yes, yes.
That fierce...
Sienna ferrrvor.
[growls]
Do you see the cameras, or--
[whispers] Yeah,
they're right up there.
[giggles]
Hey, this might be fun.
Lex...
I gotta be honest with you.
This whole innocent
virgin thing,
it gets tired after
three episodes.
Show your man--
Win him back,
by showing the sexiness
that you got, come on!
[seagulls squawking]
Lexy...we all know
that you have sexiness
all down inside you.
So bring that shit up!
Okay?
[Kristen] Passion, people!
Show me some passion!
Are you two not about passion?
Come on...
Look, you don't
have to do anything.
I'ma do everything
I can to protect you.
I can protect myself, you know.
You're the strongest
woman I know.
Matter of fact, you need to be
the one protecting me.
Just because I
broke up with you...
doesn't mean I won't
always care about you.
You're supposed to be exploring
yourself through the paint!
Through the paint...
Ahh!
Zion finger-painted my penis
on my back, didn't they?
[Kristen] You people
are ridiculous!
[Zion] Puh-leese.
[Kristen] Please show us
the same respect
you would show a nerdy woman
labeled a relationship expert.
I'm sorry, people!
Am I not resonating
with you all?
I mean, do I have to explain
every freakin'
detail of courtship?
[screams]
Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to yell.
I'm sorry.
[Terry] Breathe,
breathe, breathe.
Come on, breathe it in!
Come on, suck that air.
Suck it!
Suck the air...
There it is.
-Aaaahhh!
-Mm-hmm.
Good job.
Screaming is just
a temporary Band-Aid
on a deeper emotional reaction.
Screaming does
nothing but get you
forcefully kicked out of prom
in front of the only man
you've ever loved.
Okay, so...
it could just be me,
but I'm maybe starting to think
that this is not a
reality dating show.
Then I definitely
need my phone back.
Like, right now.
[Terry] Okay, listen up!
We understand.
It's day one.
You haven't had a chance to
fall back in love again yet.
-But you will soon.
-Mm-hmm.
You just need to loosen up
and get more comfortable!
And we have just the idea.
We're gonnna have a shindig!
It will send shockwaves
throughout the villa!
Come on, Terry! Terry!
[Terry] Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Shindig!
Take a look in the sky
Sunlight shining in my eye
Oh yeah, what's up
Just livin' life good
'cause the feelin' is right
We're trying to go
I got a place in mind
if you're down to roll
Uh-huh
It's right down the road
Now take a step inside, it
make you feel like gold, ha
Nice of me
Jump right in, come
and ride with me
You heard that right,
baby, life is sweet
You feelin' good vibes
seven days a week
Oh, thinking that
bad weather poolside
And you know I'm
down for a good time
You ain't gotta think twice
Yeah, ready to
start with your life
Let's celebrate
Let's celebrate
Let's celebrate
Yeah! Go ahead, girl.
Yeah, work it!
Work it like a
mid-episode montage!
Oooh, hoo-hoo!
Oooh, hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Ooh, ooh, uh, uh.
Cham--Cham--
Champagne, Champagne.
Champagne.
I need some Champagne.
Wait 'til the sun goes down
On this day, it make me say
Mmm...
[music ends abruptly]
I'm sorry.
Do you not have a dance
party every single episode
of every single day
for the entire freakin' summer!?
What, what--
Listen, I think I can speak
for all of us when I say,
we just need some
time with our phones.
So why don't we just
go back in the house--
It's a villa, Sienna!
I told you that!
It's a villa!
I have an ocean!
Totally.
My point, Kristen, my girl,
is that I am pretty good
at social media stalking,
and if you give me my
phone back in the villa,
I can track down that guy
you said you had a crush on.
What was his name again?
Andy Whitworth?
Maybe that's where
we put our efforts,
because frankly, I don't
see any of the six of us
getting back together.
[intensifying, sinister music]
[screams]
[Sienna screams]
[gasping]
-Jesus Christ!
-What the hell!?
[retching, vomiting]
Oh my god...
[retching, coughing]
Oh my god!
Anyone see my diamond earring?
Okay, Sienna, relax.
Let's just stop the bleeding.
No, no, my earring, my earring.
Can we get a first aid kit?
This is what I get
as a romantic dance party!?
At some point, someone's
going to start showing me
that love is real!
-Terry!
-Uh...
[Sienna] Can I--Can I
have my earring, please?
-Guys, my earring!
-We need help!
[Sienna hyperventilates]
So I'm thinking about
this whole no ear thing.
Maybe it could be my new brand.
Like, sympathy factor alone
will easily get me, like,
another million.
[gasps] Maybe I'll even
get my own show.
What do you think?
If we don't get up out
this house,
you're not gonna have no dating
show on no network ever.
[indignant scoff]
It's obvious we up
against some top-flight,
high-tech security system--
There's gotta be a
security mainframe.
AJ, can you please just leave
the scheming for
the smart people?
Like, if this was
Are You the One?
Hugh would be the dude
with the math charts
and you'd be the stubborn idiot
choosing the wrong match
each week.
Okay, I can do math charts.
Just because our show
tried to depict me as the--
Come on, y'all, for real!
Do y'all ever stop bickering?
We need a plan to
get to the mainframe,
and then we can dismantle
the security system.
Stop!
-What's up?
-What?
Uh...nothing better
than being able to watch
couples be intimate
in the bedroom.
Wish we had more of that
on our season, Hugh.
[tense music]
We could all take
inspiration from that.
Okay...
[Lexy] Forget escape.
The real goal should be
falling back in love.
Are you out of your mind ?
We are dealing with
some crazy-ass bitch who--
Shut up, AJ!
You don't get to
tell me what to do
just because you're the old guy.
I'm 33. That's not old.
I'm just trying to get
you to stop talking shit.
About who? Kristen?
The crazy-ass bitch is--
Be quiet!
Okay?
We love Kristen.
[AJ] Oh...
Got it.
If we have an elimination,
I'm still voting
you off first thing.
Yeah, me too.
[Kristen] Not the
horniest group, are they?
[chuckles nervously]
Hmm...
My dear, you, you know
that I think that
you're the best, right?
Um...most loveable person ever.
Right?
Right, um...
[coughs]
I don't know how to say this.
I don't know, I thought
we were gonna try to
[clears throat]
I don't know...
not cut any
contestants' ears off.
-'Scuse me?
-Yeah. Yeah, see, see,
I know that you've
worked really hard
on putting this thing together
and coming up with
all these games.
And super, super frustrating,
like, they're not falling back
in love again yet, you know?
Oh, okay.
'Cause for a second there,
it sounded like you
didn't care about love,
like you didn't care
about the fate of romance.
Like all you cared about
was some
pointless, ugly ear?
No. No.
You know what it is?
It's just that when
we talked, you know,
when we agreed to
bring 'em here, um,
you know, we talked and I,
I was like--
I don't remember
where you said hey, Terrance,
do you...
I don't know, you
wanna be an accessory?
Hm? You wanna go to jail?
[laughs]
I don't remember that.
I don't remember that at all.
As a matter of fact,
I remember you promising me
that we were gonna do
no permanent damage--
You do not tell me what
I have and have not promised!
You know that's one of
my triggers, Terrance!
[chokes] Okay, look--
Meah!
Anything that's happened
to them should be motivation.
[sighs]
[sinister music]
Fine.
Now...
if I'm not mistaken,
someone promised me
a French tip pedicure.
Tonight.
Okay, my bad.
Of course.
I'm thinkin' red tips,
just for funsies!
[sighs]
You okay?
She's only gonna
get more violent.
She's watching us
from everywhere.
What are we gonna do?
Listen here.
You remember that last
game of Baton we played?
The one when I finally beat you?
You cannot be bringing
that up again right now.
I'm not just talking about that.
I have more to say.
I promise.
Even though I was
the glorious winner,
the real truth is...
you played one of the best
games I've ever seen, ever.
You didn't give up.
That's my point.
I've never seen
anyone in my life...
without a single brick...
put up such a fight.
Like, damn.
That's sexy, like...
That makes you the most
determined person I know.
You're gonna find your
strategy sooner or later.
And this time you're gonna win.
Unlike last time.
Against me...
when I won.
[both laugh]
I have an idea.
I have to go to the bathroom.
[mischievous music]
I have a stomach ache.
Make sure to courtesy flush!
[music turns tense]
Interesting.
[music intensifies]
[determined music]
[grunts]
[grunting]
[sighs]
[music continues]
[grunts]
[creepy music]
[dildo rattles]
Carfentanil.
[door shuts]
[determined music]
[Terry] That was by far
the best season, by far.
[Kristen] It's
definitely top five.
[Terry] Of course it was.
I'll never forget the
first time they showed up.
They didn't know each other.
Mm, mm!
[Kristen] And who could forget
their first makeout sesh
at the bonfire?
They were practically ripping
each other's clothes off.
I've never seen
so much sexiness.
Nothing can top AJ and Sienna.
Remember when AJ threw
himself out the car
and jumped over the fence?
[Terry] Ran right
past the producers,
and in one fell swoop, hopped
on the back of Sienna's horse!
If love was real four years ago,
it still can be today.
That's all I'ma say.
That's a long time
to be taking a dump.
Shit. Shit.
[frantic music]
[pants]
[grunting]
[fabric tearing]
[beeping]
Where is she?
I think you're out of wet wipes.
Watchin' you.
[delightful, romantic
orchestral music]
[seagulls squawking]
-Car-fent-anil.
-Yeah.
[Hugh] What is that?
It causes instant
seizures and then death.
It's used primarily to
tranquilize oversized animals.
Or reality dating show
couples freshly kidnapped.
Well, the good news is,
I have something--
I found the security
mainframe to the smarthome.
Look at you,
climbing through the air vents
like an action hero.
I think you're
starting to enjoy this.
It's like a real life game.
You might actually win.
[seagulls squawking]
[chime]
[Farrah] Today, you are going to
separate into three challenges
specifically designed
for each couple.
I suggest you take these
challenges very seriously.
You don't wanna
piss off Kristen.
You know, when you get to know
her, she's really a sweetheart,
not to mention a great friend.
You might want to invite
her to some of your--
[Farrah voice & Kristen]
-- reunion parties sometime.
[Hugh] Oh my god, it's her.
[Farrah voice & Kristen]
Gotta go!
[footsteps]
-[grunts]
-What?
[grunts]
[sinister music]
[seagulls squawking]
[yelps]
[music continues]
What the hell?
Hey, hey, hey!
[grunts]
[whispers] AJ...
-Where we at?
-I don't know.
[groans]
[seagulls squawking]
[music continues]
[Zion] Oh my god.
Is that the asshole
you kissed in the club?
[muffled whimpering]
Hey, Mac.
[Farrah] What would
a beach resort be
without one of your past lovers
coming back to test your
relationship midseason?
If the other shows think
it's helpful, so do we.
So your next challenge is
to eliminate the interloper
and prove that no one
can get between you.
[chime]
[Farrah] Your next challenge
is in the Tiki Shack of Secrets,
to finally come clean
and forgive each other.
[both panting]
[chime]
[Farrah] Your next challenge
is a classic trust exercise--
a Truth Booth of sorts--
to decide if Hugh is
loyal once and for all.
Your challenges...
begin...now.
[loud zap]
Whoa!
[whooshing]
-Oh, shoot.
-Whoa. Whoa!
What's going on?
What?
-That's not so bad.
-[Lexy coughs]
It smells like almonds.
Almonds?
It's actually hydrogen cyanide.
And at this rate, we'll be
dead in less than two minutes.
-[Lexy coughs]
-What!?
[sinister music]
[Hugh]
[grunts, coughs]
Hey, Kristen.
Are you sure all
this is a good idea?
Hey, what if instead,
we send them on dinner dates?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah,
some nice, uh, nice clothes
and mood lighting and...
fake food they'll never eat?
Name one show on TV that doesn't
trauma bond their
contestants into love!
-Hm.
-[Kristen] Hm?
Have you seen every
episode of Ex on the Mind ?
Okay. Hm.
Well, then at least no
permanent damage, right?
Mm-hmm.
Refill, will ya, babe?
Of course.
-Help!
- [laughs giddily]
[pants]
What do we do?
[Sienna] I don't know, but...
that thing is pointed
right at my chest,
and I cannot get a bruise, boo.
Do you have any idea
how much these cost?
[grunts, struggles]
Aah!
AJ, you get us out!
You're the one hooked up
to the lie detector test!
I, I have no clue
why I am hooked up
to a lie detector test.
I don't tell lies!
[beeping]
[whirring]
[beeping becomes faster]
-[grunts]
-[gasps]
[chime]
[Farrah] Sienna
can't forgive you
if you don't tell the truth.
[moans]
[beeping]
No.
[beeping becomes faster]
[pants]
Ow!
[groans]
[coughing]
-Now what?
-It's a puzzle.
An escape room.
[coughing]
Babe, babe, get on
the platform, go!
[beeping]
[Lexy] Okay, okay!
[Hugh] Go, go, go, go!
[Lexy] No...
This crazy bitch wants us
to saw through this rope
and watch Mac
plunge to his death?
No, not happening.
I didn't know you cared
so much about the douchebag
who vampires your neck
every time we break up.
[muffled speech]
I'm not killing him.
[loud zap]
[zapping]
[grunting]
It's, it's, it's like
a prisoner's dilemma.
One of us has to
stay on the platform
for the door to stay open.
So only one of us can
run out and survive?
[grunts]
[coughs]
[Farrah] If you will not
saw Mac to his death,
we will have no choice
but to shock you.
That bitch!
[zapping]
[grunting]
I couldn't care less.
I'll kill Mac!
No, no, no!
Stop, stop, stop, stop!
Mac is a good person.
He's a good relationship
trespasser.
[zapping]
[grunting]
[pants]
You bastard!
Tell the truth!
About what?
Did you cheat on me?
[pants]
It's more complicated
than that, okay?
We weren't getting
along...for a while,
and, and...
we were allowing each
other to see other people.
What!?
[beeping]
[grunts, coughs]
[Farrah] Sienna,
do you forgive AJ?
I never gave you
permission to see anyone.
No, I don't forgive him.
[beeping]
[Sienna] No!
Oh my...God!
[deep inhale]
No ear and completely
deformed boobs.
-Tell the truth!
-Okay, okay, okay!
Okay, so, so maybe
it wasn't an agreement.
But I thought it was okay!
[beeping]
No!
[screams]
[Hugh & Lexy coughing]
[tense music]
[Lexy] All right, all right,
we can figure this out.
One of us doesn't have to
die for the other to escape.
[coughing] I have an idea.
-[Lexy] Okay.
-[Hugh] Come on.
[Lexy] Okay.
-[Hugh] Jump off!
-[Lexy] Okay.
[Hugh] Now go!
Wait wait wait, no, wait.
What about you?
I, I'ma figure it out, okay?
You go!
[Lexy] Why should I go?
You should go!
I'm not gonna leave without you.
I'm trying to save your life.
Lexy, go! [coughs]
[beeping]
[screams]
Okay, stop!
Okay, okay, okay, stop, stop!
[pants]
I cheated.
Okay?
There, I said it!
I cheated on you.
[Farrah] Sienna,
do you forgive him?
Yes, yes...
Come on, come on...
Yeah, fine.
I forgive him.
[Farrah] But wouldn't
you like to know
who he cheated on you with?
[intensifying music]
Yeah. Yeah, actually.
I would.
[loud zap]
[zapping]
[grunting]
[panting]
[Quincy] Saw the rope now!
[muffled screaming]
[Zion] I can't do it.
I'm not going to kill anyone.
Saw!
I'm not killing anyone.
[Quincy] Why are you
choosing him over us?
No!
There will never be
an "us"!
No, damn it!
I have to do every
damn thing myself!
-What do I get to have!?
-Kristen, what are you--
[sinister music]
[Terry & Farrah voice]
Okay, come on, people.
Hurry up, finish your
challenges, okay?
Come on, come on,
show your love!
Show your love,
show your love.
Awww, damn!
Who did you have sex with, AJ?
I promise you, you
don't wanna...know.
Tell me!
[tense, intensifying music]
Your mom!
I banged your mom
during the hometown visit.
I'm sorry!
But have you seen that ass?
My god...
She's a smokeshow!
[beeping, powering down]
[beeps twice]
[grunts]
[pants]
Ahh!
You asshole!
Oh!
[groans]
[groans]
[Hugh & Lexy coughing]
[Hugh] What are you doing?
[Lexy] I'm not
leaving without you.
[coughs]
-I love you.
-[coughs] I love you too.
[beeping]
[whooshing]
[chime]
[Farrah]
Nice work, both of you.
You've figured out that loyalty
and love for each other
will prevail in any situation.
[beeping, door opens]
I can't choose you.
Some people just,
they're not--
they're not meant
to be together.
And we will never be together!
What the hell!?
F-boy, f-bye.
Girl, I don't, uh...
I don't think you can kill
the queer people first anymore.
Just die.
I, I, wait, please.
I, I...
[weakly] You got any aspirin?
[death rattle]
Oh honey, I didn't
mean to scare you.
[creaking]
[muffled whimpers]
I meant to kill you!
[frantic muffled whimpers]
Our first elimination.
You know what?
I think I want some
pineapple juice.
I'm gonna get me
some pineapple juice.
-You want some pineapple juice?
-What?
Kristen, this, this
wasn't supposed to be
a part of the eliminations.
[Kristen] Excuse me?
Kristen, I loved them!
Come on.
Quincy? Zion?
What's wrong with you, okay?
I, I'm not gonna be a
part of this anymore.
I'm done.
[Kristen] Terry!
If Chris Harrison can be
replaced, so can you!
But first, I have a question.
[seagulls squawking]
[sinister music]
When you were a scrawny preteen
being bullied for your
butt-ugly pimple face
that made even your own mother
and your uncle Larry vomit--
you remember your uncle Larry!
[retches] He'd look at you--
[retches]
I said, "Don't do
that, Uncle Larry!"
[retches]
"Your face! Your face!"
Who was by your side?
Me.
Only me.
You remember when you
were a scared metrosexual
in the Marines--oorah, huh?
Being bullied by all
those manly men...
because you decided
to stay up all night
binging Are You the One?
Who did you call?
Who you gonna call?
Not Ghostbusters.
You called me!
I have always been the
only person by your side.
Devin was there before too.
We're not talkin' about Devin!
For the first time in my life,
we're talking about me.
I have always been the
only one by your side,
and the least I deserve
is for you to be by mine
while I fight for love.
I am doing what I have to do
to get at least one of
these couples reunited.
I already lost one couple.
Terry, this is what
we decided to do.
This is what we promised!
We are fighting for love.
Don't you want that?
[tense music]
Yes.
[affectionate chuckling]
I know you do.
You love love
like I love love, don't you?
You know what would
make you feel better?
Pineapple juice!
Mm-hmm.
In a golden season
finale chalice.
-Come on, let's go.
-Okay.
Let's go, here we go.
Come on!
[sinister music]
Damn, what
the hell happened to y'all?
AJ had sex with my mother.
[Hugh laughs]
Well, technically it
wasn't traditional sex.
It was primarily backdoor.
I'm just keeping it one-hundo.
Well, I'm just happy
everyone is okay.
So did you two have the
pleasure of confirming
all the reasons why
you broke up too?
Not really, actually.
Where are those two
super trashy toxic peeps
who clearly never had any
chance of winning anything?
Terry, what's going on?
I know torturing us
and hurting us
could not have been
part of your plan.
Look...
I know you went through a lot
of pain after losing Devin,
and it resulted it in this
codependency with Kristen,
but you don't have to torture--
I'm not torturing you!
Look, this, this was just
supposed to be some,
some, some harmless games.
[tense music]
Today marks a very,
very sad day for me.
A year ago today,
my fiance, Devin, passed.
[gasps for air]
[Terry] Came completely
out of the blue.
Okay?
And...
Kristen and I, we...
just need to
believe that love...
love is possible again.
[Kristen] Exactly right, Terry.
We need something to celebrate.
Only the best ros in our
season finale gold chalice.
Terry, please do us
the honors by serving us.
Now that you have successfully
completed your Truth Booth
and Shack of Secrets...
you are now one step closer...
[grunts]
...to being your
perfect matches.
And I have--hold on--
a little speech in here.
"If you feel you have your
perfect matches, then lock in--"
Oh!
[horror music]
-Oh shit!
-Oh my gosh!
[frantic chatter]
He's bleeding!
That's real!
Is that Zion!?
[Zion screams]
Dude, this is so embarassing.
[Zion moans]
Terry...
Oh my god,
will he just die?
[doorbell rings]
What!?
[whimpers]
Harold!
Oh, that dinosaur has worse
timing than a commercial break.
Lock all of them in the room.
I've gotta take care of Harold!
Take it easy, take it easy.
[Kristen] Help me, come on!
Sorry. I'm sorry.
-Terry--
-Please.
What are you doing?
Come on!
Please, I'm sorry.
-Eww.
-I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
just please...
Oh, great!
So what the hell are
we supposed to do now?
Lexy got something
that might work,
but we need to hurry.
Get up!
What?
[grunts]
[Kristen] Listen here,
prehistoric penis!
I am trying to save the future
of the world's last
two greatest couples.
What do you want!?
Our date!
I'm here to pick you up.
Remember?
I said I'd come tonight.
Listen, Harold, your
forgetfulness is in overdrive.
There is no date.
There never was one,
never will be.
Don't you wanna take
a chance on love?
I did.
But there's only one
man in the world for me.
And I've come to accept
that without him,
I can now share the love
of my favorite TV stars.
But you, Harold,
you're not Andy, nor a TV star.
Well, actually, back in 1965,
I applied to be on
The Dating Game .
You see, back then
we didn't have no reality TV,
just game shows on
the regular networks.
I could've been a TV star.
A TV star?
[Lexy] The room is literally
just down the hall.
-Follow me.
-All right, AJ, you up.
No, no, I don't really
know how to say this,
but, um, yeah, I'm gonna
have a little bit of trouble
climbing up there because...
because, well, earlier...
my, uh...
-both my nuts...
-[Hugh] [sympathetic grunt]
...they sort of, uh...
-They exploded.
-[Hugh] [sympathetic grunt]
[tense music]
[grunting]
I can help you.
Come on.
[AJ] Are you serious?
-I got you, yes.
[AJ] Thank you.
Come in here.
Give me a hug.
Oh...[laughs]
Yeah, you're welcome.
[tense music]
Hey, to the left.
All right, uh, we got the vent.
-We gotta go to the vent.
-Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, no.
Whew, whew, whew.
[pants]
[sobs quietly]
[pants]
Harold, I don't know what
part of no you don't understand,
so let me be very clear.
I am never, ever,
ever going anywhere,
not a zilch, crackin'
nowhere with you, player!
Pops! Whatever!
Even if my very
life depended on it.
Oh, all right.
I can take a hint.
Let's just order in then, hm?
Goodbye.
[upbeat music]
I'm not sure how
much time we have,
so I just say unplug
the whole thing.
No, no, no, no, that can only
make things worse for us.
A hard shutdown could cause
severe hard drive corruption
issues.
Might even lock the whole
security system in place.
I learned that first year
studying this stuff.
-Studying what stuff?
-Software engineering.
[Others] You're a
software engineer?
Uh, yeah, I tried to
tell you guys earlier,
but you just kept saying
let the smart people
make the math charts.
I thought you were a
professional surfing enthusiast.
No, the producers just said
it'd be better for the edit
if I fit the, quote,
"California bro character."
Okay, I'm gathering
the IP address
and signature information
to auto run a list of
factory set passwords.
It's gonna take a minute.
Well, hurry up.
We've got five minutes, tops.
Well, you do that.
Lex, we gotta go find a weapon.
Let's go.
Wait and see,
they cut you down
[Kristen grunts]
[upbeat music]
Didn't fall in the groove
It sinks,
but it doesn't move
I hope to god
that I'm wrong
Maybe I am the fool
I give you all I have,
but I don't have much
[buzzer]
But it's true
Baby, it's all for you
He's gotta have another
gun in here somewhere.
There's gotta be something.
But it's true
Baby, I would die for you
[upbeat music]
I've been broken
and sewed again
I've sunk to the bottom
and floated in space...
[music slows, distorts]
-Hugh!
-What?
You come look at this.
[suspenseful music]
[Harold] Kristen!
Let me in!
I'll kill that old man.
Coming, Harold!
Get on my nerves!
What--
...the hell are you doing, Ter?
Damn it!
[suspenseful music]
[beep]
Could you be any slower?
Sixty more seconds.
I'm almost through the system.
[beep]
[creepy music]
Okay.
[Lexy] She's been stalking us.
That ain't all she done.
[horror music]
Oh, this is crazy.
[Lexy] How long has
she been planning this?
Hurry up, Terry!
Harold's still
at the front door!
Damn it, Terry, hurry up!
I heard you the first time!
Look.
Look, look, look, look, look.
[beep]
Okay, here we go.
This is officially one of
the most important
moments of my life.
Wish me luck.
Hey!
All right, all the way.
Nice!
Ever since the first day
I saw you in pre-algebra,
I've loved you.
I mean, I know I wasn't
attractive enough for you
in high school, but...
for the past 15 years,
I've loved you.
I mean, I've reconfigured
my whole life for you.
I started a multimillion-dollar
flower sealant business
just for you.
I've made myself
perfect for you.
I got a nose job and I
replaced two missing teeth,
and I'm getting eye surgery
next month.
So, Andy Whitworth...
can we spend the rest
of our lives together?
Huh?
Hey, wait, you're
the one who stabbed
Lisa Miller in the eye at prom.
Okay, Arty that's,
that's enough.
That's you. [laughs]
Okay, all right.
[melancholy music]
Hey, it's not that you
weren't...
attractive enough for me
in high school.
You thought I was attractive?
[gasps] Oh my god!
Clearly I wasn't straightforward
enough back then, but...
we hardly said two words
to each other.
-I was a little shy, yeah.
-You seemed interesting.
[Friend] No way!
[friends laughing]
[Kristen] Oh, you
think I'm interesting!
[Andy] No, Kristen, you don't
have to change anything
about yourself.
About your look or your career.
It's not about any
of those things.
It's just about you.
I'm not into you.
I could never be into you.
And I know you think
some big gesture of love
could somehow win
me over, but...
it can't now, and it can't ever.
Ouch!
It's just the fake romantic shit
you see on those
reality dating shows.
It's not real life.
[crying] No.
[Friend]
Say goodbye, buddy!
[dramatic music]
[crying]
You see how this is
starting to make sense?
Mm-hmm.
Her villain origin story.
Look!
Andy Whitworth, age 33.
Schoolteacher dies.
Unexplained sudden seizure.
[suspenseful music]
Holy shit, my phone!
[phone chimes]
And I've got
2300 notifications.
-Okay, call 911.
-I will, I will.
I just need to super
quickly respond
to these follow requests,
okay, super quick.
Sienna, call someone!
Or at least post that
we're in trouble.
I'm doing it!
[sighs]
[beeping]
Will you go online
and like my post?
[beeping]
Okay, we're in!
Not now, we gotta go.
Kristen!
[beeping, door opens]
[grunting]
[suspenseful music]
I'm sorry, Z.
What the hell are
you doing up there?
This is not the time for
a reality show
confessional, Terry!
[watch beeping]
What!?
I have to go reactivate
the alarm system.
[creepy music]
Holy mother of god...
[groans]
No means no, Harold!
How did the security
system get dismantled?
Terry!
[grunts]
[corpse splashes]
Terry!
[grunts]
[corpse splashes]
[suspenseful music]
[Hugh] And now we're here.
It's just all so hard, you know?
I know I have to
propose tomorrow.
But the truth is, I don't
know which girl to choose.
Lexy, you know that's fake.
This is all...
They made me say
this for good TV.
How do I know they also didn't
convince you to choose me?
We also made for good TV.
[Hugh] [sighs]
Here goes...somethin'.
Forget it.
Doesn't matter.
I was dumb to think these shows
could ever foster
real relationships.
No, no, no!
This couldn't be, man!
I unlocked the entire
frickin' house!
[suspenseful music]
Unless someone
reactivated the system.
Let's check the front, come on.
[grunts]
Aaah!
Aaah!
Oh my god!
You're worse than
a reality show villain
they won't eliminate.
Just when I thought
we were all
falling back in love again...
[Sienna] I don't think
you get it, asshole.
AJ and I are never,
ever getting back together!
-No.
-Yeah.
-No.
-Yeah, that's right!
The only reason I ever
signed up for the dumb show
was for the followers.
AJ and I were never in love.
I just wanted to
be an influencer.
[screeches]
[grunts]
You...are...lying!
You...were...in...love!!!
[growls]
[Kristen screams]
[grunts]
[fires two shots]
[pants]
Finally!
Shoot him, you idiot!
No! No, no!
No--
No more violence, okay?
I, I, I'm not taking part
in any more violence.
Look, AJ and Sienna,
they never loved each other.
Ask AJ yourself.
He'll tell you.
AJ, why is it that you were
with Sienna the whole season?
Uh, honestly?
S-S-So I wouldn't
get eliminated.
Like, like, wouldn't you
pretend to date a girl
so you could stay in paradise
for the rest of the summer?
It's just a situationship!
[cocks gun]
Hey, hey--
[gunshot]
Whoa!
[pants]
Oh my god!
I just got shot!
This, this is what it
feels like to get shot!
[pants]
Cool.
[retches]
Not my carpet!
I feel so much better...
You are off the rails!
You are worse than
an eliminated
chick in a black SUV!
I'm not!
Shoot him again, okay?
Everybody knows a gunshot
to the shoulder does nothing!
-No.
-Yes.
-No.
-Yes.
-No.
-Yes!
[stammers]
What if you wanna do
a reunion special?
Oh, I didn't think about that.
[cocks gun, fires]
Oh my god!
Do I have to do every
damn thing around here!?
Those was real
gunshots this time.
-They were.
-We gotta go.
[Kristen] This is the
second time in 30 minutes
you have messed up.
You are making more mistakes
than a man on Euro Island .
Mm-hmm!
Kristen?
I can't be a part of this, okay?
I can't be a part of this!
What happened to love,
romanticism, and, and passion?
We find Lexy and Hugh,
or we're going to prison.
You do know there's no
endless streaming in prison.
Do you wanna miss the next
Vanessa and Nick show?
[suspenseful music]
No.
Well, then.
Help me cover the evidence,
because if I go down,
you go down.
Hmph!
I need to clean up my face.
[music continues]
Hurry, Hugh, close it!
I'm trying!
[music continues]
[clank]
Shhiit.
Hey, hey, what are you two...
-[Kristen] Don't interrupt them.
-[Terry] ...doing?
-Mm!
-Woo!
[sexy music]
Oh, this not the Boom Boom Room?
We thought we locked the door.
We didn't lock the door?
There's no Boom Boom Room
in the villa.
Not in the villa.
He, he meant the Fantasy Suites.
Yeah, yeah, we thought this
was the Fantasy Suites.
This is...way fancier
and more elaborate
than a cheap Boom Boom Room.
Thanks to all your
generous efforts,
Hugh and I were just
feeling really, um...
-really...
-[Hugh] Horny.
-Yup, horny.
-Hot.
Hey, look, we, we
just wanted to hook up
before the matchmaking ceremony.
Hey, hey, hey!
[cocks gun]
What is that, sweet Lex?
Oh, oh, this?
It's for us, for--
for, for Hugh and I.
For the, uh...
-For the sex.
-The sex.
Look, we way more kinkier
than they made us out to be.
-Mm-hmm.
-You know, BDSM?
That's not suitable
for television.
BDSM?
With a virgin?
Mm-hmm.
Well, you know what
Nick and Vanessa always say.
It's always helpful if
you try a new partner.
-Ahh...
-[nervous laughter]
[Kristen cackles]
-[Hugh & Lexy whimper]
-[Kristen laughs giddily]
[harp music]
-Kristen.
-You can't join, Terry.
Excuse me,
sorry to interrupt.
Uh, uh, uh, listen.
You, um, you wanna see this.
What!?
[Terry] She tagged our location.
This girl is so
annoying in person!
Exactly. In any minute,
we'll have all of
her 2.4 million followers
here unannounced.
Oh, Chrissakes!
You know what?
Put them in the basement
and I'll go bury the bodies.
No, no!
Why don't you leave us here?
Yeah, we swear,
we won't go nowhere!
No, the basement
is better, okay?
It'll just be for a few weeks.
A couple of months
tops, all right?
This has to blow over.
It'll fly by
quicker than your virginity.
Hah!
-We'll never survive that!
-Yeah, I don't wanna die--
Enough, enough, enough!
Look, I'm not gonna
hurt you, all right?
I'm also not going to prison
without any streaming
I hear they're finally, finally
doing another season
of Are You the One?
Oof!
I'm not gonna miss it.
Move out, let's go.
[cocks gun]
Move out!
I knew you weren't
no damn virgin.
Let's go.
Come on, let's go.
-Listen, Terry...
-Move.
We know you're a good person.
And we know a lot
of what's going on--
Shut up, shut up.
--goes against what
you believe in.
No, you don't know me.
Let's go.
[Lexy] We know you
well enough to know
you have a large
capacity to love,
and that there's
been only person
to truly recognize that.
You found your soulmate
in Devin, Terry.
You know how many people search
their entire lives for that
and never find it?
You found it.
Look, we know her death
has been difficult,
-but think about what--
-Just shut up, please!
-Shut up!
-[Lexy] Okay.
I do not have the
mental bandwidth
to deal with this today.
Let's go.
Devin died a year
ago today, thank you.
[Devin gasping for air]
[Hugh] So you can honor
Devin and her memory--
Hey!
Enough of the Devin talk.
I'm already having
a hard enough time
getting the image of her seizing
to death out of my brain.
[tense music]
-Car-fent-anil.
-Yeah.
-What does that mean?
-It causes instant seizures
and then death.
-It was the pills, Terry.
-What?
Devin must've taken
them before the seizure.
She didn't take any pills, okay?
She, she didn't have
anything besides a ros.
I said I'm not talking about it.
[music intensifies]
We need something to celebrate.
Only the best ros
in our season
finale gold chalice.
It was Kristen's ros.
Kristen poured Devin that
final glass of ros, didn't she?
Look.
I found these pills prescribed
on the day of her death.
They were crushed into Devin's
gold season finale chalice,
thus causing a
seizure and death.
Check the date they
were prescribed
and who they're prescribed to.
[tense, but melancholy music]
Devin was murdered by--
[Kristen] Oh, look at us!
We're pretending
that we're solving
an itty-bitty
true crime show?
[music turns sinister]
It's...It's not true, right?
[scoffs] Really? Really, Terry?
I loved Devin just
as much as you did.
How did Andy Whitworth die?
Think about it--sudden seiz--
Don't you dare mention
Andy Whitworth's name!
[Terry] Kristen,
did you do this?
Tell the truth, Kristen!
Tell the truth.
Did you--Did you--
[Kristen]
What are you gonna do?
Lock me up in the
Shack of Secrets, huh?
You poisoned the
love of my life?
She was not the
love of your life.
You know nothing about love.
That relationship was
all based on your...
dumb fitness passion and sex!
A lot of sex.
You know you was--
[makes sex noises]
A lot of sex!
It was not about true love,
not about dedication,
not about friendship--
nothing that you
and I have, Terry!
The only thing that
that perfectly fit,
sexy, size three woman did
was steal you away from me!
She was my soulmate!
Kristen...
And you were jealous of that.
Yeah, you're right.
But the bitch is dead now.
You monster!
[gunshots]
-[yelping]
-I'm sorry, I didn't mean--
Whoa, you shot me!
I didn't mean it.
Oh...Oh my god.
I...
Grandma gonna roll
over in her grave!
Say hi to Uncle Larry.
[panting]
Wait a minute...
Wait a minute...
This was...
This whole thing was
never about the show.
No!
This wasn't even
about contestants or, or me,
or even love.
Kris, this was about you!
I'm sorry!
Oh, sweetie...
Oh, you poor empty bitch.
Yes...you're never
gonna find love.
Stop it!
You know why?
Love comes from the inside.
And you're empty.
And you're incapable of it.
You don't know what
I'm capable of, Terry.
You suck, you--
[gunshots]
[chuckles]
[tries to speak, wheezes]
Oh, oh, oh, look at
what you made me do!
You made me shoot
my best friend!
Do you know how hard
it is to find a friend?
[laughs]
But now...I have two
new best friends, don't I?
Yeah. Yes, I do.
Security--
Security code.
One four three--
One four three--
One four--
[gunshots]
Come on!
Off to the basement you go!
Mm-hmm.
[fake British accent]
Mind your heads!
[Kristen] We have the only villa
that have stairs that
lead up to the basement.
Get on up there, you two!
See what I was trying
to do with the place.
I mean, it's like shabby chic
meets the back alleys
of West Hollywood.
So make yourselves at home.
Um, if you need anything,
just give me a holler.
[laughs] Silly me.
This whole place is soundproof,
so I can't hear you!
But I'll visit.
Wait. Kristen.
We forgot to say thank you.
'Scuse me?
We know how much hard
work you put into this.
And we know how much you
actually care about us.
And it's working.
Really?
[Hugh] Yeah. It really is.
And since the day I met Lex,
I knew we would be together
for the rest of our lives.
Oh my god...
Until that last game
of Pioneer of Baton.
[Kristen] What happened?
Lexy, you remember what happened
in that last game of
Pioneer of Baton, right?
Mm-hmm.
[Hugh] Lexy lost that game.
What!?
She didn't get a
single brick...all game.
[Kristen] I'm not surprised.
And then she showed
me her fierce spirit.
-And I never loved her more.
-Oh, my god...
But that's until
I met you, Kristen.
What?
[Hugh] You know, you
showed me how to love.
-I showed you!?
-You did.
-I did!?
-[Hugh] Yes.
-[Kristen] Just little ol' me?
-Bring it in.
Finally did something right!
Oh my gosh!
-[Hugh] Bring it in!
-[Kristen laughs]
-Bring it in.
-I did right finally--
[Lexy grunts]
[loud thud]
-Yes! Yes!
-Yes, yes.
Good god, that's so satisfying!
-Uh, uh, uh, uh--
-[Both] Uh!
[suspenseful music]
Let's check upstairs!
Dah, dah
Dah, dah
Dah, dah
Dah, dah
[grunts]
[Kristen blabbers]
[cocks gun]
It's obvious you two are
here for the wrong reason.
How about Chinese food, then?
I know this great
little place down--
[grunting]
[screams]
[suspenseful music]
[types]
[beep]
Thanks, Terry.
[chime]
Got it!
[beeping]
[suspenseful music]
-No!
-No!
Let me try!
[Kristen] You two
are so adorable.
[timer beeping]
But I think it's time
for the final elimination.
[beeping, whirring,
door unlocks]
[cocks gun, fires]
[Hugh groans]
-Hugh!
-Hugh!
-[moans]
-Are you okay?
How romantic is that!
You are such a gentleman
taking that bullet for Lexy
the way you did!
See, you, you're the winner
that America deserves!
But your girlfriend,
on the other hand--
[intensifying music]
[gun clicks]
[Hugh] Lexy, get the
hell out of here!
Get the hell out of here.
[grunting]
[suspenseful music]
-[screams]
-[Kristen] Bitch!
Oh, you...you one sassy virgin.
You know, they really should've
showed more of your feisty side
during your season.
That would've been some good TV.
Oh, girl.
Lexy, why you do this to me?
I've always only
been nice to you.
I always thought
that you and Hugh
were always good together.
I gave you guys hope.
And I thought that you
and him could convince me
that love was
possible for anybody!
I mean, it didn't matter.
The sexless.
The elderly.
The out-of-shape people like me!
What?
You know, Andy said that
true love is not real,
that true love is
only manufactured...
by TV producers.
[darker] As they say before
every commercial break...
in the most dramatic,
shocking episode ever...
[metallic whoosh]
Oh!
[high-pitched voice]
I have a headache!
[moans]
[thud]
[pants]
Nicely played.
[panting]
[tender music]
You okay?
How about this new expansion?
You can come over...
Learn these new rules with me.
And...I'll give you two
free bricks on our first game.
[chuckles]
Dinner too?
Preferably, uh, Matteo's?
You want me to
throw in a trip for two,
island on paradise too?
Is that what you need
to make the deal?
I think I could use a
break from any sorta...
-paradise island for a while.
-[chuckles]
I forgot.
[sirens wailing]
I could settle for two
extra brick spaces, though.
[chuckles] You better.
[Lexy chuckles]
[upbeat music]
I'd like to tell ya,
tell ya
Do what you wanna do
Talkin' at a table
A table for two
If you can't quite
find the words
We'll find
another way to tell
Show each other
something we've kept to
[horror music sting]
If you want, if
you want me to
[Kristen] Terry, what
can we watch next?
Oh, he's dead.
I think I found my
I think I found my person
Think I found my
Think I found my
I think I found my person
[MTV theme]