Bite Me (2019) Movie Script
1
[light music]
[light rock music]
-Jameson, neat.
-Okay.
Feels like
Something's gonna change
[indistinct chatter]
[Sarah] There's that look.
That "who do you think
you are?" look.
Like she can see exactly
who I am.
They don't see who I am.
Because what none of them know,
could ever even guess,
is that I am a vampire.
[man 1] Hey,
check out Mike Tyson.
[man 2] Yeah,
what's up with that?
[phone dinging]
[light music]
[announcer]
For the next eight weeks,
watch as five weird,
wild, real-life freaks
compete to win 50,000 dollars.
Aurelio Voltaire,
a gothic homemaker,
Islay Fire, a modern-day witch,
The Nudist,
Badass Becky,
your foot girl next door,
and Stacz, a man
who calls himself a vampire.
I'm the leader of
a global underground community
of real live vampires.
I mean, there's
50 to 100,000 of us worldwide.
As the leader of my community,
I felt it was time
to come out of the coffin
because I do sleep in a coffin.
Ladies, if you don't believe me,
I'd be happy to have you
come check it out.
-[announcer] Next we have--
-Oh, my God.
It's so much worse
than I even imagined.
Yeah, well, it was a lotta
money that I could've won.
-But you didn't win.
-Hey,
that foot chick really
was a badass.
Anyway, my clips,
I'm going viral.
From now on, any time
any of us tells someone,
that's what
they're gonna think of.
You made us look like we think
we're supernatural or something.
That's ridiculous.
Of course it's ridiculous,
but they don't know
that we know that.
You know what?
I don't have to listen to this
anymore.
-[Stacz hisses]
-[camera clicks]
[sighs]
You have
your updated test results?
Clean.
As a housewife's bathroom.
You know, you need me.
Who else would be sick enough
to have you?
I mean, the only chick I know
that has to pay for a donor.
-I don't wanna owe you anything.
-[chuckles]
Well, I always said you
needed to see a shrink.
Yep, I did.
She told me to cut you
out of my life.
[light dramatic music]
[Stacz] You kneel now
in a sacred place
before all those who've gone
before you on this path.
Freely and willingly
I give you this.
My blood.
How much do you hate yourself
every time you come here?
Almost as much as I hate you.
[light music]
Where you been?
Work.
Nine million people
and you can't find
another donor.
I don't have your talent
for finding them.
You can always feed on me.
A pity suck.
Did you see
the clips I sent you?
Yep.
Seven million views a piece.
Shit.
All of a sudden,
the whole world's
gonna know about us.
And that's the fucking guy
they're gonna see.
[Lily] Sarah?
-What happened?
-[sighs]
Lily's boyfriend
broke up with her
because she told him
she's a vampire.
I just--
[sobbing]
Someone sent him
that stupid clip
and he was showing me
and I just thought,
"I'll tell him, I'll just
tell him, and it'll be fine."
But I told him and he was like
you can't be a Muslim
and a vampire.
[sobbing]
And I said I can, I am.
And he said well I can't
and he told me to go.
Oh, and that's why
we don't date mundanes.
She was always on me
about telling him.
-She had to tell him sometime.
-I thought he was different.
They always seem different.
I just wanted a boyfriend.
You should try it sometime.
They'll break your heart,
but you can have sex with them.
That's very funny.
-[thud]
-Ow!
Oh, there's mail for you
on the table.
What am I gonna do?
You're gonna find
a nice vampire boy--
Oh, no I'm not.
No, I'm not.
I'm gonna end up alone
like Sarah.
-[Chrissy chuckles]
-Hey!
-[cackling]
-Oh!
Oh, my God!
Your sister.
Oh no, what?
"Lord Stacz and Mistress Regan
request your presence
at her annual birthday ball."
Fucking Stacz.
Fucking coffin.
You know what?
We should make a viral video.
You can't just make
a viral video,
that's not how it works.
I know, smartass.
I'ma make a video
and it's gonna go viral.
A video of what?
I'm gonna come out publicly.
You're gonna go on the internet
and tell people
that you're a vampire?
Stacz can't be
the only vampire people see.
I'm a rational person.
If I just explain it to them--
What about me and Lily?
If you tell people,
everyone's gonna know.
You just wanna
keep hiding forever?
[Sarah] I'm not hiding.
I just don't think
everyone in the whole world
needs to know what I do
behind closed doors.
[Chrissy] I think
it's time we come out.
I want people to see me!
And you think people are
gonna take you seriously?
-They might.
-They won't.
I wanna make one, too.
I'm tired of lying.
What about your job?
What about your parents?
[Chrissy] You're right.
We should just keep
subverting who we are,
make sure everyone else
is comfortable.
[upbeat music]
That's where
You've been gone
I'm tempted now
To say that you--
Shit.
I told you three weeks ago
that my prayer group
was coming over tonight.
I'm just not comfortable
with having anyone--
With having a heathen
in the other room.
I promise I won't be there.
You know,
I used to be just like you.
Cynical, a nonbeliever.
But when Todd left me
after 35 years,
you know who was there for me?
Jesus.
Your mother called me
this morning.
I'm sorry, what?
You need to pick up
when she calls, James.
I don't expect you
to understand this,
being young and a man,
but you hit a certain age
as a woman
and you just stop being seen.
And you call and call
and call and he doesn't pick up.
I'm sorry, are we still
talking about my mother?
Call your mother, James!
Call her.
Hi, Tim!
Hey.
Hi, Tim.
I had a great convo
with your mom last night.
Oh, yeah?
You know, we had such
great times together at Oxford.
-She's great, just so great.
-Yeah.
I got a good one for you
this morning.
-Oh?
-Yeah, coming in at ten o'clock.
-Oh, that's--
-Your first church.
Should be a quick one,
open and shut.
Let me give you
some advice, James.
Most of the time working
at the IRS
is like doing the work
of an ant in a colony.
You work hard all the time,
lifting up
three times your body weight,
but maybe once in your career
you get a case
in which the group in question
has attracted,
let's say,
some heightened media attention.
[light rock music]
And then a small spotlight
might be shown
on the civic duty you do
quietly, nobly, every day.
Happened to me in '94.
This might be the one
where it can happen for you.
And...
what?
I got interviewed
for a news segment.
The news.
Hey, come on.
[light music]
This is Miss Woods,
your ten o'clock.
Feels like
Something's gonna change
Feels like
Something's gonna change
You understand
that you're being audited, yes?
Yeah.
This year you filed as single
but eight years ago
you filed as married.
Divorced?
It says your occupation
is grave-finder.
Can you tell me what that is?
Genealogists hire me
to find the graves
of their clients' ancestors.
I take pictures,
write down information,
they pay me.
Okay.
This lists you
as the primary director
of a registered church.
The House of Twilight.
Yep.
Can you tell me a bit
about what that is?
We're a collective
of independent vampires.
You're a collective
of independent vampires.
We're not supernatural,
obviously,
we just, we, need to feed
on energy to stay healthy.
And how?
We drink blood.
We don't attack people
or anything, we have donors.
Ugh!
You know,
I'm feeling like you may not
be able to objectively evaluate
my case.
Do you think I could maybe
get another IRS agent
who isn't quite so...
Human?
Judgmental.
You filed your taxes
as a registered church
for the last eight years,
meaning that you have not paid
any income tax on money
donated to that entity.
Yes.
Did you register using a lawyer?
Look...
I printed up a list of a lot
of other alt groups
that are registered churches.
Wiccans, Scientologists.
This is America, I'm not sure
if you're familiar with America.
I have dual citizenship.
You appear to only have
three current members.
Yeah, well, people come and go.
Look, James Thayer,
I just, I don't understand
why this is happening.
Apparently there's been
some heightened media attention
on your organization leading
to attention from the IRS.
Are you saying this is
because of a reality show?
Ma'am, please.
That's not even, that is
a completely different house.
I don't know anything
about that.
I just handle the cases
that they give me.
So...
After an initial review
of your organization,
the IRS has determined that
there is not sufficient evidence
to justify your church status.
Unless the documents
that you bring today
reverse that perspective,
there will be
an immediate revocation of
your designated exempt status.
You will owe back taxes
for the past eight years,
plus interest, plus fines.
How much will that be?
You'll receive a letter.
Did you bring the documentation
that we asked for?
[water running]
Shit!
This must be
a really boring job.
I mean, no offense,
my job is really boring.
It's a job, I enjoy myself
on evenings and weekends.
Yeah, me too.
Me too.
[muffled scream]
So, even the man hates the man.
Shouldn't you be
inside right now?
I thought we were finished.
No, I mean
the whole vampire thing.
I thought you weren't supposed
to be in the sunlight.
Don't you think
it's kind of obvious
that an IRS agent would be
a complete fucking asshole?
Whoa, jeez.
Don't think you get any points
for originality, though.
Hey, I'm really sorry, my day's
just kind of a disaster.
Your day is a disaster?
That was discrimination.
What?
I'd say that that was
a pretty neat display
of prejudice, wouldn't you?
I think I'd like to talk
to your supervisor.
You don't need to talk
to my supervisor,
I'm very competent at my job.
And I'm very competent
at my job,
but I barely make
enough money to live.
I didn't understand
half the forms I just turned in
because I don't have
a law degree.
And you think I'm a joke,
so it seems to me
there's a pretty good chance
that you're gonna rule against
me and make me pay money
that I don't have.
So I'm gonna end up homeless
or in jail,
so I'm pretty fucked.
But you're a bigot,
so I'd like to talk
to your supervisor.
Or maybe you'd like
to rule in our favor.
I can't do that,
I've already handed it in.
Okay.
So who do I talk to about
filing a discrimination report?
My only job is to look at it
fairly and legally--
Okay, so look at it harder.
Reopen the case or I would like
to talk to your supervisor.
Okay, fine.
I will give it
a more in depth review,
but that's all, okay?
You need to bring me more,
everything you have.
Paperwork, religious documents,
press clippings,
anything that can help
establish you
as a legitimate organization.
-I will, I'll bring it tomorrow.
-No, bring it to me not here.
This is my personal cell phone.
Call me on this,
do not call me at the office.
Meet me at a bar or something,
anything not here.
This has to be before Monday.
[Faith] You know,
Raul is leaving
at the end of this month.
There's just two people
they'd give his job to.
Oh, I don't know.
You've been here
a lot longer than I have.
That's right, I have.
[light music]
[Stacz] That I'm a vampire is
a physical fact, yes,
but it's also
a spiritual calling.
It's a religion.
It connects me
to my higher self.
[laughing]
Hey, Mom. It's me.
I got your voice messages.
I'm sorry that I missed you,
it's the middle
of the night there, obviously.
I was on a date, actually.
[knocking]
Just a minute.
Hey, roomie.
Hi.
Can I help you?
Touch it.
It's greasy.
It's okay,
we'll get used to each other.
You gotta work at it
like a marriage.
Good thing we both did
so well at that, then.
Okay.
-Night, roomie.
-Night.
-[light jazz music]
-[indistinct chatter]
Are you drinking?
I don't drink... wine.
This doesn't seem like
your kinda place.
What's my kinda place?
Well, it's a vegan cafe, so.
That's everything
I could think of.
Sample donor contracts,
rules about blood tests.
I printed out the vampire codex
which is a little bit
like our Bible.
Great.
I will see what I can do.
Can I ask you a question
off the record?
Do you really drink blood?
Yes.
Why?
[sighs]
Okay, so,
we have a biological condition
that's basically an inability
to create enough energy,
so blood is the physical
manifestation of energy,
that's the thing
that flows through us.
So we have to supplement
our own energy
by feeding on donors.
Well what do you want me to say?
We live in New York
in the 21st century.
I was sick all the time
as a kid.
I went to a lot of doctors
and nothing helped.
When I started drinking blood,
I got better.
How else do you explain that?
Did you try vitamins?
Maybe you just have a...
run-of-the-mill iron deficiency.
That's nice, maybe later I could
take pot shots at your beliefs.
I don't think
I have any beliefs.
You must think I'm such a...
A what?
An IRS agent.
I mean, I am, obviously,
an IRS agent,
but I-- I, do other things.
You know, I...
read.
[phone buzzing]
You're kind of a weirdo.
Thank you for escorting me.
I will give it a fair look.
It doesn't make any sense to me,
but if drinking blood
makes you feel better,
then who am I to--
Thanks.
I mean, I'm just gonna reopen
the case for review,
-I can't--
-I know,
but I appreciate you
breaking the rules for me.
[train accelerating]
-[train accelerating]
-[heartbeat]
[train fades out]
-Uhm...
-Uh... I have to go.
Wait, okay, sure. Uhm...
I-- did you just?
No, I just,
I think I really have to go.
No, wait!
What do you have in your church?
Do you have like services, or?
We have meetings.
Maybe you could,
do you want to invite me to one?
For the case.
I just think
that it would be good
if I could see more
of what it is that you do.
-Fine.
-Great.
Text me?
Goodnight.
Goodnight!
[sighs]
[light music]
I thought
it was an open-shut case.
Right, yeah,
it's just it's my first church.
And this would be a good notch
in your bed post.
-This one.
-I know, I wanna do a good job.
Good!
Hey, I don't know if you
saw the Facebook invite,
but there's a company picnic
in a few weeks.
Oh, yeah.
Pam and I would be happy
to come pick you up
and give you a ride
if you wanted.
Oh, I didn't know you had a car.
No, I don't.
[knocking]
[Faith] Sounds great, Tim.
Okay.
[light music]
[phone chiming]
[laughs]
[Chrissy] Oh, fucker!
[Chrissy over speakers]
I became obsessed.
[Sarah] What is going on?
We put the videos up
an hour ago.
Stare at the blood.
I just knew.
Like you know you need to sleep.
That I needed to taste it.
If you say anything,
I'll hit you.
We read the comments section.
Who the fuck are these people?
Are they just waiting
by their computers
for someone they can rip
open with their teeth?
Chrissy got into a fight
with one of them.
He kept telling people
we sleep in coffins.
Where do you think
he heard that?
Fucking Stacz.
We're going to Regan's ball.
We have to get Stacz
to help us with the audit.
He has people everywhere.
He could get someone
to help us if he wanted.
No.
This is his fault.
-He has to, he should--
-I am not asking him for--
I'll ask him.
I'm not going.
Do you have a better idea?
[sighs]
I'm gonna bring
the IRS guy then.
He wants to know what vampires
are like for the case.
[light music]
[phone chiming]
[hisses]
[Chrissy] It's James, right?
Thayer.
James Thayer.
Hello, James Thayer.
And so... what's
your position in the church?
Are you the leader?
We're in an egalitarian group,
I'm just the--
It was her idea.
And... where are we going?
The Court of Dreams.
It's the governing body of all
the vampire houses in the city.
Not ours.
These are not our vampires.
We broke off eight years ago
because these vampires
are fucking insane.
[man] Whoa, that's that
vampire chick from YouTube.
Ayo, vampire lady, you wanna
come sleep in my coffin?
Only 103 people saw that video,
and that fucking guy's
one of them.
Hey, are you that guy?
Chrissy.
[Chrissy] I said
I don't sleep in coffins.
We don't sleep in coffins.
Write that down.
[Chrissy] He's not my boy,
he's a dipshit.
[man 1] Can't that lady
just back off?
[man 2] Calm down, Wackula.
[indistinct chatter]
He had a lot of friends
with them.
[clanking]
-[whispering]
-[dramatic music]
Mistress Christine Berman.
Former elder
of the Court of Dreams.
Mistress Sarah.
Former bride
of the King of Kings
of the House Pont Du Lac.
And their guest.
Jesus, don't pop a boner.
[light rock music]
Do mine eyes deceive me?
How longst has it been?
Still doing
the Shakespeare thing, huh?
[laughing]
Lady.
-Is this blood?
-No.
Ugh! Did I mention there's
no alcohol at these things?
Barrel of laughs this crowd is.
How often does this happen?
About once a month.
Christine.
Alice.
Regan.
Regan.
She changed her name to Regan
because it means queen.
Sarah.
Regan.
[Stacz] It is a surprise
to see you once more
amongst our number.
And who's this?
[gasps] Have you finally found
a boyfriend?
Not Sarah's boyfriend.
This is James,
he's our black swan.
It's just a mundane
who's cool about vampires.
-A mundane?
-Non-vampire.
You mean like a muggle?
I'm Sarah's ex-husband.
Congratulations
on your new internet fame.
I'm sure you're enjoying that.
Can be a burden
sometimes too, though.
The elders are not happy
about your unapproved
internet appearance.
I figured.
I am the approved media contact
for this community.
And you're just jeopardizing
the privacy of every--
[Chrissy] I'm jeopardizing?
We're being audited
because of you.
Yeah, and you could be next.
Can we go somewhere and talk?
That's your ex-husband?
Yeah.
[phone ringing]
It's my...
It's my mom.
I have an ex, too, wife.
I married her
because she wanted me to.
No, because I mean
my mom wanted me to.
She... just suffocates me.
[man] You know, I believe
in a sensual approach to life.
If it feels good, do it.
-So I said, go--
-I'm not that interested
in the blood itself,
I'm more drawn
to the darker aspects, you know.
These people are completely
out of their minds.
You have no idea.
[laughing]
What?
No, I just, it struck me
that there was nothing
that I can do in this room
that would make me
the weirdest person here.
Hold that.
[upbeat music]
Yeah, yeah!
[clapping]
I always wanted to do that
at a party.
-Okay.
-It looked better in my head.
Sarah, I really like
your blue hair.
Oh.
No, please, listen.
The other night when we were
standing by the subway, I--
I've never met
anyone like you, ever.
I haven't been able
to stop thinking about you.
We have to go.
[Stacz] Oh, no,
no, no, no. Stay.
Please!
I mean,
we'd love to hear more about how
after you stage
this dramatic little secession,
now you need our help.
[Chrissy] You're right.
Thanks for reminding me
why we left.
[Stacz] Buh bye.
Bye, thanks, nice party.
[laughing]
[Stacz] Carry on.
[man] Rex Lamia!
Thanks for coming.
I'm sure you'll be in touch
about the audit.
You said he was here
for the audit.
He was.
Tell me that was
just to help the case.
It was.
For eight years you don't date
a single person, not one,
and now you're making eyes
at that guy?
I wasn't making eyes at him.
Were you not there when Lily
was crying her guts out?
I know.
You think that guy's gonna
be able to handle this?
You think there's something
special about him.
Or special about you.
That this isn't gonna go
the same fucking way
it always goes--
No, I don't.
It was nothing.
You're the one
who wants me to have sex.
I saw your face.
This is about more than sex.
I love you.
Don't be an idiot.
-[holy music]
-[woman] As healers
of the light, we have
fellowship with one another
and the blood of Jesus, his son,
purifies us from all sin.
For the life
of the flesh is in blood.
And he hath given it
to you upon the altar
to make an atonement
for your souls.
-[creaking]
-Shh!
For it is the blood
that maketh thy atoned
for the soul.
-He has delivered his son--
-[creaking]
[light music]
-And transfer to the kingdom.
-[James] Yeah!
-Of his beloved son.
-[James] Yeah!
And can we have redemption--
[light music]
I think it would go faster
if you... as well.
I'm sorry, I thought
this would be more, I mean.
I figured nobody
would see us here.
I mean, not nobody,
but you know.
Yeah, that's fine.
No, I meant if we wanted to say
anything related to your case.
Is that what we're doing here?
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
This is... auditing 101.
So, with the donors,
is it always like
a sexual thing, or...?
No, I mean, it can be,
but mostly
they just wanna be donors.
And do you have a donor?
No. I'm sorry,
I think maybe we should go back.
-What, why?
-No, it's fine, I just...
I think maybe we should do this
at your office.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Didn't you say that you wanted
to hang out?
Yeah, I just,
it was a stupid idea.
I think I just...
I just thought that, you know,
like last night we had,
and I think I just really badly
misread the situation,
so if...
-What?
-No, I just, I--
I thought that maybe
you liked me,
which was stupid obviously.
-I do, I do like you.
-No, you don't.
[soft laugh]
Look, I'm--
I'm sorry, I don't know
why I brought you,
I'm a complete spaz.
When I suggested
the paddle boats
because I thought
they would be romantic,
which clearly they're not.
I think if you like me
it's only 'cause I'm a vampire.
I mean, I know
that's the most...
interesting thing
about me, but--
I'm sure it isn't
the most interesting thing
about you.
Please.
Please, tell me
something about you
that is not vampire-related.
I learned
two very important things
from my marriage.
Tell me.
Don't get a facial tattoo
when you're 16
and don't marry
the guy who inks you.
I think it's great.
Yeah, well, I hate it, so.
No, really, I think it's...
I think it's very cool.
Really.
It's like,
"Hey everyone, I have blue hair
and a tattoo on my face."
You're like, "Yeah, what?"
That was the idea.
I think you're really beautiful.
[sighs heavily]
I haven't had sex
in eight years.
Oh. I thought I was bad.
Can I kiss you now?
I really can't stop thinking
about kissing you.
Wait, you're not gonna bite me,
are you?
We don't bite.
It's not sanitary.
[light music]
I'll try it, then.
Just out of curiosity,
how do you extract
the blood then?
Lancets, razorblades,
this special needle you can only
get at the vet's office.
Is this okay?
[heavy breathing]
[phone ringing]
[Sarah] You gonna get that?
[James] No.
Why is there a stuffed robot
beside your bed?
Could you not?
What?
-Please, Mellowtron--
-His name is Mellowtron?
No.
Yes, could you just...
Who are you?
What do you mean?
Who are you?
Ulysses is my favorite book.
Okay.
You want?
Fine.
I like The Bachelor,
it's my favorite TV show.
I don't think
I've ever said that out loud
to another human being.
What else?
What do you mean?
Dunno.
What do you want from me?
I'm a vampire.
Tell me something weirder.
I thought
we were gonna have sex.
We are.
Lie down.
My mom calls me all the time.
You a mama's boy?
No, God, she's just lonely,
I'm all she has.
I want more.
My dad...
left when I was seven.
Legs open, please.
He gave me Mellowtron
before he left.
I used to sit for hours
in my bedroom
pretending I was
a robot just like him.
I thought that if I could
just not feel anything
or want anything or do anything
except make
the next rational decision
then nothing could hurt me
and no one would leave me.
I thought I would spend
my whole life
trying to prove to my mom that
I'm a better man than he is.
So prove it.
[heavy breathing]
-[light pleasant music]
-[birds chirping]
[gasps]
Is there a woman
in your bedroom?
Uh, yes.
I could hear you.
I could hear you.
Just because you have no regard
for the sanctity of marriage,
you may think that you can
come into my place of work
and make love to Tim
and steal a promotion
that I have been working
years for.
But this is my home,
it is sacred.
I'm going to take a shower.
I'd like her to be gone
by the time I'm out.
[door slamming]
No, no, no, no, one minute.
She's my coworker
and I'm auditing you.
What, what if she'd seen you?
I could be in so much trouble.
We had sex, do you know how much
trouble I could get into?
Sarah.
Sarah.
Are you aware of the state
of the economy right now?
Why are you being like this?
I knew you couldn't handle it.
You're blowing this
outta proportion.
You have no idea
what it is like to be me.
To have people stare at me
from the second
I leave my house!
Maybe they're staring at you
because you are yelling
in the middle of the sidewalk.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
-Look, can we just--
-No.
-I am not--
-Do you even like your job?
I'm good at it.
No, I hate it, okay?
Is that what you want to hear?
I loathe every second
that I am there.
Yeah, I know, you're right.
We can't have you
losing that job.
I'm sorry I panicked,
but it's all I have.
Except you,
I don't wanna lose you.
You're great.
You are so beautiful.
Would you please
just stop saying that?
It's like telling a man with
a small penis how big it is,
it's just embarrassing
for everyone.
What? No, look.
That first night, by the subway,
this is gonna sound--
Oh, God, I dunno.
I had this, it was so real,
it was like I knew something
about you, about us--
I only just met you.
I know,
I wasn't gonna say anything
because I didn't
wanna sound like
some lunatic stalker person.
You know what, I don't care.
I want to be
your lunatic stalker person!
[light music]
Okay, so what?
So you wanna go out with me
but I have to be a secret?
You're not a secret.
Until your audit case is closed
you just probably can't stay
at my place.
And after the audit's over?
I only just met you.
Fine.
What are you doing?
I just--
I wanna remember this moment.
[phone clicking]
-Wait, look.
-What?
I thought vampires weren't
supposed to-- maybe you're not.
[Sarah] Dickwad.
Wait, what did you call me?
[light pleasant music]
[phone buzzing]
[laughing]
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
Close your eyes
Rest against mine
Felt so warm and dry
[laughs]
Ugh!
My parents
don't talk to me anymore
so they send me
shitty presents instead.
And so this is what?
A perverse pile of despair?
[giggles]
Maybe you're lucky
they don't talk to you.
I had to move continents
to get away from mine.
[Sarah laughs]
Junior year in high school.
I'd never had a boyfriend.
No one had ever liked me
liked me at all.
Wasn't pretty or funny
or loud, I just was...
But there was this boy, Kyle.
He had glasses, he was nice.
A lot of the girls were in love
with him, but I was his friend.
And so for two years
I'd watch him date other girls
and talk to him about them.
And I waited,
knowing that eventually
he'd realize I'd been there
all along.
I know.
So this one day in drama class
we were playing
this game that was
hide and seek basically,
and I found this great hiding
spot way up above the stage.
So the game went on and they
found everybody except me.
And then they started
celebrating because everyone,
including the teacher,
including Kyle,
had forgotten
that I was in the class.
So on my 16th birthday
I got my driver's license,
the next day,
I got a tattoo on my face.
I told Stacz.
I told Stacz to make me
look fierce.
And I didn't know
who Mike Tyson was,
so that's been
a thing every day since.
I figured no one
would ever like me.
But at least
they wouldn't forget me.
[phone chiming]
[beeping]
[slap]
[both laughing]
So, uhm... [grunts]
I know you probably don't wanna
hear this right now, but...
I have a husband.
Yeah, what the hell do I care?
[scoffs]
Right.
-Bye.
-Bye.
Did you drink her blood?
[slurping]
I got my temp fang
from Stella yesterday.
They're cool!
They better be.
Cost a fucking fortune.
[slurping]
[slurping]
Are you guys team Jacob
or team Robert Pattinson?
[slurping stops]
That is a silly book
and a silly movie.
Many real vampires hide
their vampire activities
from people at their jobs
and even their spouses.
We are called
the House of Twilight
because we are working towards
living in a state of twilight
where we can be transparent
about our darker natures.
What is your job?
I'm a kindergarten teacher.
Of course you are.
What are those?
[laughs]
You are not.
I am.
These are just to try,
but I'm gonna go permanent.
I got some temporary fangs
for you, too.
You what?
[Chrissy] Whoa, whoa,
whoa, Sarah.
I'm fine.
How long has it been?
Two weeks.
Sarah!
Two weeks since what?
Since she fed.
Wait, so, you haven't now.
Is this the hunger?
If you wanna go, go.
No, I'm sure you can find
someone who doesn't drink blood
to make you feel exciting.
Can I feed on you tonight?
What?
All of a sudden my blood's
not too slutty for you?
Whatever you need, babe.
I want you to watch.
Fine.
Fine what?
Fine, I will be there tonight.
[light music]
You're not supposed to be
in here.
[James] You look
absolutely beautiful.
-[James screaming]
-[growls]
[gasping]
Shh! God! Shh!
[Faith] What's her name?
What?
I haven't seen you at home much
since the great incident.
You're having nightmares
at work.
I'm assuming there's a woman.
Hey, is there someone special?
No.
Is she coming to the picnic?
We'd be happy to give her
a ride, too.
No, I'm not seeing anyone.
There's no one.
You know, I'd love a ride, Tim.
James and I
actually live together,
so it'd just be the one stop.
Oh. I'm not sure
we'll have enough room,
but we'll see you there, though.
Hey, how's that audit
coming on the vampire group?
Oh, no, I mean,
it's almost done,
-I'm just wrapping it up.
-Great.
How 'bout the end of day
on Tuesday then?
[groans]
EOD, buddy, EOD.
Great.
I want you to know
I'm in the middle
of a theological crisis.
Okay.
On the one hand,
I want that job.
On the other hand,
these vampires are doing
the work of the devil
here on Earth,
so I think you catching them
is maybe more important.
[sighs]
[thud]
-[thunder rumbling]
-[light suspenseful music]
Do you wanna do it?
[Chrissy] You kneel now
in a sacred place
before all those who've gone
before you on this path.
Freely and willingly
I give you this.
My blood.
That's enough.
[light music]
Are you sure
you have to go home?
Early morning tomorrow.
Sarah, when you told me
at the audit
about your place of worship,
that's...
You don't have,
the apartment is it, right?
Yeah.
So the three of you
have essentially
not been paying income tax
on up to half of your income
by donating your rent money
to the church
which you're also
not paying income tax on it?
Yeah, but,
Chrissy looked all this up.
I mean,
it is our place of worship.
Chrissy looked it up.
Yeah.
Good.
Are you gonna get
fake fangs then?
I should go.
Do you wanna hang out
next weekend?
Yeah.
Oh wait,
I have this big company picnic
for work.
My boss is giving me a ride.
Are significant others
coming to this picnic?
Yeah.
Probably.
Dinner?
How about dinner tomorrow night?
Yeah, great.
James.
If you can't handle all this...
See you tomorrow night.
Hey, Faith.
[Faith] Yeah?
If the members
of the vampire church
are all living in their church
and they're donating
part of their income
to help cover the rent,
is that legal?
No way.
It is their church,
their place of worship.
Not if they're living there.
You got 'em?
Way to go!
Put the nail in that coffin.
[dramatic music]
[incoming call]
You've been a hard man
to get ahold of.
I know, I'm sorry,
it's been busy.
Tim sent me
a nice email last week.
He says you're one of his stars.
Yeah, actually,
I think I might be
in line for a promotion.
You'll be promoted
after such a short time.
That will look remarkable
on your CV.
The kind of job
that requires integrity.
It's a sort of job your father
never could've gotten--
I know, thanks, Mom.
I am just proud to have raised
a man with integrity.
Actually,
I am going on a date tonight.
A date?
Yeah, we've been seeing
each other for a little while.
She's...
Actually I have a-- wait.
Well, I should let you go now.
Did you see the picture?
Yes.
I really like her.
Good.
You do what you like.
Mom, can we talk
at another time?
I mean, look at her face!
James.
That is not how I raised you
and don't look like that.
Yeah.
Well, I should let you go.
I love you, Mom.
I love you too.
I know
you'll do the right thing.
[sighs]
[light music]
There are two of us
On the run
Going so fast every doubt
We had is coming undone
Falling behind
With everything we left there
We held on
Before too long
And now we have
So many people on the road
So, you wanna go ahead and order
or you still waiting?
-I'll just pay for the wine.
-Okay.
From what we know
It's not unheard of
And we'll run
And tell our story
Of how we been
[sighs]
Something other
Sails now
[knocking]
[Lily] Sarah?
Are you okay?
I'm fine.
Everything else
Has room to grow
'Cause in better light...
Faith, I'm... just gonna
step outside for a sec.
Wanted to tell
Our story of...
[muffled scream]
-Faith.
-Yeah?
Have you seen the case file
that was on my desk?
The vampire one? Yeah.
Tim came by and picked it up.
Tim might just marry you
after this one.
I'm sure you'll be
very happy together.
One, two, three, baby
When you get tired
Just keep one foot
In front of the other
There's no race
No ending in sight
No second too short
No window too tight
Turn off the lights
When you leave
'Cause we got everything
We're gonna need
We're on the run
We're on the run
We're on the run, child
We gotta run, we gotta run
We gotta run, child
[man] No, Mom, I can't talk
right now. I really have to.
No, no, no,
I've got a date, actually.
Yeah.
No, it's--
We need
Something other
Sounds now
One to tell
Starry eyes
We made something
We made something of ourselves
What are you doing here?
Heard from the asshole lately?
Not a church is the ruling.
Misappropriation of funds,
back taxes and fines,
and further investigation.
Fucking asshole!
We have to get this thrown out.
Thank you, Sherlock.
I don't think auditors
are supposed
to be sleeping
with their clients.
[dramatic music]
[Sarah] That's gotta be it.
Okay, so we're just gonna go,
find his boss,
tell him what happened,
that's it.
Sarah, I don't think
you're grasping
what an opportunity this is.
This could be our moment,
our standing rock,
our occupy Wall Street.
Chrissy.
People don't wanna listen to us,
we'll make them listen.
We could get a buncha vampires
together, all in vampire drag,
we invite the media,
we bring signs,
we make speeches,
we force those IRS squares
and the world to reckon with us.
Real vampires disrupt IRS picnic
in an act of civil disobedience.
Absolutely not.
Just us, no press, no moment.
Okay?
[sighs]
Vampire drag is good, though.
Let's give James
something to remember.
[tapping]
[ringing]
[muffled hip hop music]
Hey, Jimbo.
Yes, it does
-What's up, Pam?
-Hey, good, you?
Feel good...
[Tim] It's gonna be a great day!
[Faith] Nice ride, Tim.
No good, Tim.
[mumbling]
[dramatic music]
[Chrissy] Oh shit.
That look.
Your parents and I had
the craziest nights in Oxford.
One night we were at this bar
and it was packed, man.
I mean, you could hardly move.
And we were wasted.
Don't tell your mom
I told you that.
[Faith] Hi, Tim, Pam, James.
How was the ride? Was it good?
Turns out the Q isn't running,
so I had to take a bus
to another bus
to the seven train.
But anyway, I made it.
Oh, and Tim, I invited
my whole prayer group,
-so I hope that's okay.
-Hi.
They love potato salad.
We really do.
Hey!
You guys must be confused.
[dramatic music]
Halloween is in October.
[indistinct chatter
and laughter]
[Sarah] Hey!
My name is Sarah Woods.
I belong
to the House of Twilight.
We are a collective
of independent vampires.
I drink human blood
because I feel weak without it.
-Ugh!
-That's disgusting!
Hey, don't talk to her
like that.
We've been under investigation
by the IRS
and we have just
received a ruling
that we are not
a legitimate church.
We reject this ruling
because we believe
that it is based on prejudice.
But beyond that,
we request that the ruling
be thrown out because...
Go on. Do it.
Tell him.
Tell me what?
I knew it, I knew it!
Don't do it, James,
you've wandered
but you're not lost.
I can save you, we can save you.
No, Faith.
This way you get the promotion,
you deserve it.
This is about
something much bigger
than a promotion now!
This is about...
-[all] Jesus!
-[Stacz] Jesus! Ha!
[dramatic music]
[Tim] Is there some convention
I didn't hear about?
[Pam] Honey! Shh!
-[Stacz] Revolt!
-Oh, my God.
Get your phone out.
Sorry, baby,
this is bigger than you.
Aw! That's my cooler!
Up until this moment you've all
lived safe, little lives.
When I say I'm a vampire,
you think I'm crazy.
We have tried rational
means to explain it to you.
We have made videos available
on YouTube.
But today you'll wonder
if maybe, just maybe,
there are things in this world
that cannot be explained at all!
Ups. Sorry.
[man gasps] God.
[Faith] You cannot glamor us,
you spawn of Satan!
By the glory of God!
-For Jesus!
-For Jesus!
[man] Rex Lamia!
Stay back.
-Call the cops!
-[laughing]
Be with me now!
[screams]
-Can someone record this?
-Sarah.
I'm so sorry,
I've made a massive mistake.
You turned us in.
No, I didn't.
I hadn't-- no, no, my boss,
he saw it on my desk and I had.
But no, it doesn't matter.
I'm an idiot, I panicked.
[laughing]
The power of Christ compels you.
The power of Christ compels you!
Faith, stop it, leave her alone!
In nomine Patris et filii
-et Spiri--
-[hisses]
Resist!
What do you have to do?
Tell me what I need to do.
Come on.
-Dark silence.
-Can't we just hug it out?
-Tim.
-[Tim gasps]
I was dating this woman
the entire time
I was investigating her.
You should fire me.
No, better yet, I quit.
I quit.
[dramatic music]
Sarah!
Sarah, stop!
I know
it's not your fault, buddy.
We'll talk about it on Monday!
[James] Sarah!
Hey!
Hey!
-[James growls]
-[screaming] What the--
Sorry, sorry.
-I just--
-What are you doing?
I just thought that maybe
if I was a vampire, too...
I don't need you to be
a vampire, James.
Then what?
Tell me.
[laughing]
[sighs]
Dude, you should hear yourself.
You think
she wants to be with you?
-Excuse me, pal.
-[laughing]
Hey, this chick?
Paid to drink my blood
for eight and a half years
after our divorce.
And you think
she wants to be with you.
Oh, ho, ho...
Get out of here!
Would you just go?
[laughing]
Okay.
No problem, I'll go.
I'll go.
See ya next Sunday.
[Sarah] Fuck you.
[yelling]
-[James] Stop it, come on.
-[screaming]
[groaning]
I trusted you.
Wait, Sarah!
Listen.
I understand
if you want to leave,
I am a complete disaster.
And I don't know much
about anything,
but I know that I want you.
[light music]
That's the decision
I want to make.
-I love you.
-No, you don't.
You don't.
This just in.
A group has taken responsibility
for the event.
They call themselves
real vampires.
Sound unusual?
It is.
I have seen them.
Vampires are real.
I will be releasing
an official statement on Monday,
but I believe we will be
throwing out the case.
[screaming]
That said,
we will be pursuing charges
for disturbance of peace
and destruction
of personal property.
[stomping]
What the hell was that?
Sarah, we're all over the news!
I said no vampires.
[door slamming]
[Faith giggling]
-[door closes]
-Oh!
This is Steve.
We were just having
a very stimulating
theological discussion.
[giggling]
This is Mellowtron.
He is my robot.
And he makes me feel less alone
when I'm lonely.
-[knocking]
-Sarah?
Sarah?
[Chrissy] Sorry you didn't get
to finish your speech,
but they're gonna
throw the case out.
Are you okay, Sarah?
I'm sorry, Sarah, okay?
-Not everything is about you.
-[scoffs]
You know, you forced us all out
because it's what you wanted
while I just wanna live my life.
[Lily] What happened
with James, Sarah?
Nothing happened with James,
she's not angry about him.
Of course she is.
He turned us in.
And then he quit his job
for her!
He's a mundane.
Who cares if he's a mundane,
I love him!
Shit.
Starting around when I was five
I became obsessed
with tasting it.
Like, if a friend had a cut
or something,
I would just stare at the blood.
The first time I tasted blood
I was 22.
I felt like how different
and how outside
of everyone I always felt.
Like maybe there was a reason.
I'm a vampire.
I am a vampire.
I enjoy being a vampire
on evenings and weekends.
But I'm also
a life insurance salesman.
A Muslim.
-A father.
-A karaoke queen.
[Lily] Before this video, you
looked at me and saw a Muslim,
now you look at me
and see a vampire.
But the truth is much more
complicated than any of that.
[soft knocking]
All I am is me.
Hey.
Hi.
Can I come in?
Okay.
Great.
I had that, that vision
or whatever you said you had
by the subway, I-- I had that.
But the thing is
that I don't actually believe
that that sort of thing happens,
you know?
Like when people say they knew,
I always so like no,
you knew in retrospect,
but when I met you,
when I'm with you I think about
what our kids
are gonna look like.
But that's not who I am, James.
I drink blood.
And with you, if someone
put a gun to my head
and said you can have him
or you can be.
I don't know
which one I'd choose.
I don't want you
to make that choice.
You make me want everything
I thought I was better than,
you know?
You make me feel like
all that garbage
might be enough.
Me too. You make me
want that garbage, too.
It's fine.
Everything will be fine.
You don't know that.
I believe it will.
But I don't know.
I don't know either.
[light dramatic music]
[heartbeat thudding]
Okay.
Okay.
[light guitar music]
That's where
You've been gone
I'm tempted now to say
That you never were
Really here
That's where
You've been gone
I'm tempted now to say
That you never were
Really here
[light funky music]
The darkness, it descends
Sometimes it feels
It never ends
And who will be true
And stand by you 'till the end
Monstrous lovers
Is the trouble going just down
Monstrous lovers
We'll grab a shovel
And bring you back around
When your old man's
Giving you the runaround
It's hard to be the creature
In a human town
You'll be so glad you found
Monstrous lovers
When it's dark
It's good to have friends
Even if they're hairy
Or they're scary
Or they're made out of odds
And ends
'Cause the humans
They can be the worst of all
Worse than any creature
At the monster's ball
Who'll be there for you
When you fall?
Monstrous lovers
If your troubles
Are going just down
Monstrous lovers
We'll grab a shovel
And bring you back around
When your old man's
Giving you the runaround
It's hard to be the creature
In a human town
You'll be so glad you found
Monstrous lovers
All right, boys, let's rattle
Every bone in that graveyard!
Monstrous lovers
If you're trouble
Though you're just down
Monstrous lovers
We'll grab a shovel
And bring you back around
When your old man's
Giving you the runaround
It's hard to be the creature
In a human town
You'll be so glad
You've found
The best damn friends around
You'll be so glad
You've found
[howling]
[chuckling]
Monstrous lovers
[light music]
[light rock music]
-Jameson, neat.
-Okay.
Feels like
Something's gonna change
[indistinct chatter]
[Sarah] There's that look.
That "who do you think
you are?" look.
Like she can see exactly
who I am.
They don't see who I am.
Because what none of them know,
could ever even guess,
is that I am a vampire.
[man 1] Hey,
check out Mike Tyson.
[man 2] Yeah,
what's up with that?
[phone dinging]
[light music]
[announcer]
For the next eight weeks,
watch as five weird,
wild, real-life freaks
compete to win 50,000 dollars.
Aurelio Voltaire,
a gothic homemaker,
Islay Fire, a modern-day witch,
The Nudist,
Badass Becky,
your foot girl next door,
and Stacz, a man
who calls himself a vampire.
I'm the leader of
a global underground community
of real live vampires.
I mean, there's
50 to 100,000 of us worldwide.
As the leader of my community,
I felt it was time
to come out of the coffin
because I do sleep in a coffin.
Ladies, if you don't believe me,
I'd be happy to have you
come check it out.
-[announcer] Next we have--
-Oh, my God.
It's so much worse
than I even imagined.
Yeah, well, it was a lotta
money that I could've won.
-But you didn't win.
-Hey,
that foot chick really
was a badass.
Anyway, my clips,
I'm going viral.
From now on, any time
any of us tells someone,
that's what
they're gonna think of.
You made us look like we think
we're supernatural or something.
That's ridiculous.
Of course it's ridiculous,
but they don't know
that we know that.
You know what?
I don't have to listen to this
anymore.
-[Stacz hisses]
-[camera clicks]
[sighs]
You have
your updated test results?
Clean.
As a housewife's bathroom.
You know, you need me.
Who else would be sick enough
to have you?
I mean, the only chick I know
that has to pay for a donor.
-I don't wanna owe you anything.
-[chuckles]
Well, I always said you
needed to see a shrink.
Yep, I did.
She told me to cut you
out of my life.
[light dramatic music]
[Stacz] You kneel now
in a sacred place
before all those who've gone
before you on this path.
Freely and willingly
I give you this.
My blood.
How much do you hate yourself
every time you come here?
Almost as much as I hate you.
[light music]
Where you been?
Work.
Nine million people
and you can't find
another donor.
I don't have your talent
for finding them.
You can always feed on me.
A pity suck.
Did you see
the clips I sent you?
Yep.
Seven million views a piece.
Shit.
All of a sudden,
the whole world's
gonna know about us.
And that's the fucking guy
they're gonna see.
[Lily] Sarah?
-What happened?
-[sighs]
Lily's boyfriend
broke up with her
because she told him
she's a vampire.
I just--
[sobbing]
Someone sent him
that stupid clip
and he was showing me
and I just thought,
"I'll tell him, I'll just
tell him, and it'll be fine."
But I told him and he was like
you can't be a Muslim
and a vampire.
[sobbing]
And I said I can, I am.
And he said well I can't
and he told me to go.
Oh, and that's why
we don't date mundanes.
She was always on me
about telling him.
-She had to tell him sometime.
-I thought he was different.
They always seem different.
I just wanted a boyfriend.
You should try it sometime.
They'll break your heart,
but you can have sex with them.
That's very funny.
-[thud]
-Ow!
Oh, there's mail for you
on the table.
What am I gonna do?
You're gonna find
a nice vampire boy--
Oh, no I'm not.
No, I'm not.
I'm gonna end up alone
like Sarah.
-[Chrissy chuckles]
-Hey!
-[cackling]
-Oh!
Oh, my God!
Your sister.
Oh no, what?
"Lord Stacz and Mistress Regan
request your presence
at her annual birthday ball."
Fucking Stacz.
Fucking coffin.
You know what?
We should make a viral video.
You can't just make
a viral video,
that's not how it works.
I know, smartass.
I'ma make a video
and it's gonna go viral.
A video of what?
I'm gonna come out publicly.
You're gonna go on the internet
and tell people
that you're a vampire?
Stacz can't be
the only vampire people see.
I'm a rational person.
If I just explain it to them--
What about me and Lily?
If you tell people,
everyone's gonna know.
You just wanna
keep hiding forever?
[Sarah] I'm not hiding.
I just don't think
everyone in the whole world
needs to know what I do
behind closed doors.
[Chrissy] I think
it's time we come out.
I want people to see me!
And you think people are
gonna take you seriously?
-They might.
-They won't.
I wanna make one, too.
I'm tired of lying.
What about your job?
What about your parents?
[Chrissy] You're right.
We should just keep
subverting who we are,
make sure everyone else
is comfortable.
[upbeat music]
That's where
You've been gone
I'm tempted now
To say that you--
Shit.
I told you three weeks ago
that my prayer group
was coming over tonight.
I'm just not comfortable
with having anyone--
With having a heathen
in the other room.
I promise I won't be there.
You know,
I used to be just like you.
Cynical, a nonbeliever.
But when Todd left me
after 35 years,
you know who was there for me?
Jesus.
Your mother called me
this morning.
I'm sorry, what?
You need to pick up
when she calls, James.
I don't expect you
to understand this,
being young and a man,
but you hit a certain age
as a woman
and you just stop being seen.
And you call and call
and call and he doesn't pick up.
I'm sorry, are we still
talking about my mother?
Call your mother, James!
Call her.
Hi, Tim!
Hey.
Hi, Tim.
I had a great convo
with your mom last night.
Oh, yeah?
You know, we had such
great times together at Oxford.
-She's great, just so great.
-Yeah.
I got a good one for you
this morning.
-Oh?
-Yeah, coming in at ten o'clock.
-Oh, that's--
-Your first church.
Should be a quick one,
open and shut.
Let me give you
some advice, James.
Most of the time working
at the IRS
is like doing the work
of an ant in a colony.
You work hard all the time,
lifting up
three times your body weight,
but maybe once in your career
you get a case
in which the group in question
has attracted,
let's say,
some heightened media attention.
[light rock music]
And then a small spotlight
might be shown
on the civic duty you do
quietly, nobly, every day.
Happened to me in '94.
This might be the one
where it can happen for you.
And...
what?
I got interviewed
for a news segment.
The news.
Hey, come on.
[light music]
This is Miss Woods,
your ten o'clock.
Feels like
Something's gonna change
Feels like
Something's gonna change
You understand
that you're being audited, yes?
Yeah.
This year you filed as single
but eight years ago
you filed as married.
Divorced?
It says your occupation
is grave-finder.
Can you tell me what that is?
Genealogists hire me
to find the graves
of their clients' ancestors.
I take pictures,
write down information,
they pay me.
Okay.
This lists you
as the primary director
of a registered church.
The House of Twilight.
Yep.
Can you tell me a bit
about what that is?
We're a collective
of independent vampires.
You're a collective
of independent vampires.
We're not supernatural,
obviously,
we just, we, need to feed
on energy to stay healthy.
And how?
We drink blood.
We don't attack people
or anything, we have donors.
Ugh!
You know,
I'm feeling like you may not
be able to objectively evaluate
my case.
Do you think I could maybe
get another IRS agent
who isn't quite so...
Human?
Judgmental.
You filed your taxes
as a registered church
for the last eight years,
meaning that you have not paid
any income tax on money
donated to that entity.
Yes.
Did you register using a lawyer?
Look...
I printed up a list of a lot
of other alt groups
that are registered churches.
Wiccans, Scientologists.
This is America, I'm not sure
if you're familiar with America.
I have dual citizenship.
You appear to only have
three current members.
Yeah, well, people come and go.
Look, James Thayer,
I just, I don't understand
why this is happening.
Apparently there's been
some heightened media attention
on your organization leading
to attention from the IRS.
Are you saying this is
because of a reality show?
Ma'am, please.
That's not even, that is
a completely different house.
I don't know anything
about that.
I just handle the cases
that they give me.
So...
After an initial review
of your organization,
the IRS has determined that
there is not sufficient evidence
to justify your church status.
Unless the documents
that you bring today
reverse that perspective,
there will be
an immediate revocation of
your designated exempt status.
You will owe back taxes
for the past eight years,
plus interest, plus fines.
How much will that be?
You'll receive a letter.
Did you bring the documentation
that we asked for?
[water running]
Shit!
This must be
a really boring job.
I mean, no offense,
my job is really boring.
It's a job, I enjoy myself
on evenings and weekends.
Yeah, me too.
Me too.
[muffled scream]
So, even the man hates the man.
Shouldn't you be
inside right now?
I thought we were finished.
No, I mean
the whole vampire thing.
I thought you weren't supposed
to be in the sunlight.
Don't you think
it's kind of obvious
that an IRS agent would be
a complete fucking asshole?
Whoa, jeez.
Don't think you get any points
for originality, though.
Hey, I'm really sorry, my day's
just kind of a disaster.
Your day is a disaster?
That was discrimination.
What?
I'd say that that was
a pretty neat display
of prejudice, wouldn't you?
I think I'd like to talk
to your supervisor.
You don't need to talk
to my supervisor,
I'm very competent at my job.
And I'm very competent
at my job,
but I barely make
enough money to live.
I didn't understand
half the forms I just turned in
because I don't have
a law degree.
And you think I'm a joke,
so it seems to me
there's a pretty good chance
that you're gonna rule against
me and make me pay money
that I don't have.
So I'm gonna end up homeless
or in jail,
so I'm pretty fucked.
But you're a bigot,
so I'd like to talk
to your supervisor.
Or maybe you'd like
to rule in our favor.
I can't do that,
I've already handed it in.
Okay.
So who do I talk to about
filing a discrimination report?
My only job is to look at it
fairly and legally--
Okay, so look at it harder.
Reopen the case or I would like
to talk to your supervisor.
Okay, fine.
I will give it
a more in depth review,
but that's all, okay?
You need to bring me more,
everything you have.
Paperwork, religious documents,
press clippings,
anything that can help
establish you
as a legitimate organization.
-I will, I'll bring it tomorrow.
-No, bring it to me not here.
This is my personal cell phone.
Call me on this,
do not call me at the office.
Meet me at a bar or something,
anything not here.
This has to be before Monday.
[Faith] You know,
Raul is leaving
at the end of this month.
There's just two people
they'd give his job to.
Oh, I don't know.
You've been here
a lot longer than I have.
That's right, I have.
[light music]
[Stacz] That I'm a vampire is
a physical fact, yes,
but it's also
a spiritual calling.
It's a religion.
It connects me
to my higher self.
[laughing]
Hey, Mom. It's me.
I got your voice messages.
I'm sorry that I missed you,
it's the middle
of the night there, obviously.
I was on a date, actually.
[knocking]
Just a minute.
Hey, roomie.
Hi.
Can I help you?
Touch it.
It's greasy.
It's okay,
we'll get used to each other.
You gotta work at it
like a marriage.
Good thing we both did
so well at that, then.
Okay.
-Night, roomie.
-Night.
-[light jazz music]
-[indistinct chatter]
Are you drinking?
I don't drink... wine.
This doesn't seem like
your kinda place.
What's my kinda place?
Well, it's a vegan cafe, so.
That's everything
I could think of.
Sample donor contracts,
rules about blood tests.
I printed out the vampire codex
which is a little bit
like our Bible.
Great.
I will see what I can do.
Can I ask you a question
off the record?
Do you really drink blood?
Yes.
Why?
[sighs]
Okay, so,
we have a biological condition
that's basically an inability
to create enough energy,
so blood is the physical
manifestation of energy,
that's the thing
that flows through us.
So we have to supplement
our own energy
by feeding on donors.
Well what do you want me to say?
We live in New York
in the 21st century.
I was sick all the time
as a kid.
I went to a lot of doctors
and nothing helped.
When I started drinking blood,
I got better.
How else do you explain that?
Did you try vitamins?
Maybe you just have a...
run-of-the-mill iron deficiency.
That's nice, maybe later I could
take pot shots at your beliefs.
I don't think
I have any beliefs.
You must think I'm such a...
A what?
An IRS agent.
I mean, I am, obviously,
an IRS agent,
but I-- I, do other things.
You know, I...
read.
[phone buzzing]
You're kind of a weirdo.
Thank you for escorting me.
I will give it a fair look.
It doesn't make any sense to me,
but if drinking blood
makes you feel better,
then who am I to--
Thanks.
I mean, I'm just gonna reopen
the case for review,
-I can't--
-I know,
but I appreciate you
breaking the rules for me.
[train accelerating]
-[train accelerating]
-[heartbeat]
[train fades out]
-Uhm...
-Uh... I have to go.
Wait, okay, sure. Uhm...
I-- did you just?
No, I just,
I think I really have to go.
No, wait!
What do you have in your church?
Do you have like services, or?
We have meetings.
Maybe you could,
do you want to invite me to one?
For the case.
I just think
that it would be good
if I could see more
of what it is that you do.
-Fine.
-Great.
Text me?
Goodnight.
Goodnight!
[sighs]
[light music]
I thought
it was an open-shut case.
Right, yeah,
it's just it's my first church.
And this would be a good notch
in your bed post.
-This one.
-I know, I wanna do a good job.
Good!
Hey, I don't know if you
saw the Facebook invite,
but there's a company picnic
in a few weeks.
Oh, yeah.
Pam and I would be happy
to come pick you up
and give you a ride
if you wanted.
Oh, I didn't know you had a car.
No, I don't.
[knocking]
[Faith] Sounds great, Tim.
Okay.
[light music]
[phone chiming]
[laughs]
[Chrissy] Oh, fucker!
[Chrissy over speakers]
I became obsessed.
[Sarah] What is going on?
We put the videos up
an hour ago.
Stare at the blood.
I just knew.
Like you know you need to sleep.
That I needed to taste it.
If you say anything,
I'll hit you.
We read the comments section.
Who the fuck are these people?
Are they just waiting
by their computers
for someone they can rip
open with their teeth?
Chrissy got into a fight
with one of them.
He kept telling people
we sleep in coffins.
Where do you think
he heard that?
Fucking Stacz.
We're going to Regan's ball.
We have to get Stacz
to help us with the audit.
He has people everywhere.
He could get someone
to help us if he wanted.
No.
This is his fault.
-He has to, he should--
-I am not asking him for--
I'll ask him.
I'm not going.
Do you have a better idea?
[sighs]
I'm gonna bring
the IRS guy then.
He wants to know what vampires
are like for the case.
[light music]
[phone chiming]
[hisses]
[Chrissy] It's James, right?
Thayer.
James Thayer.
Hello, James Thayer.
And so... what's
your position in the church?
Are you the leader?
We're in an egalitarian group,
I'm just the--
It was her idea.
And... where are we going?
The Court of Dreams.
It's the governing body of all
the vampire houses in the city.
Not ours.
These are not our vampires.
We broke off eight years ago
because these vampires
are fucking insane.
[man] Whoa, that's that
vampire chick from YouTube.
Ayo, vampire lady, you wanna
come sleep in my coffin?
Only 103 people saw that video,
and that fucking guy's
one of them.
Hey, are you that guy?
Chrissy.
[Chrissy] I said
I don't sleep in coffins.
We don't sleep in coffins.
Write that down.
[Chrissy] He's not my boy,
he's a dipshit.
[man 1] Can't that lady
just back off?
[man 2] Calm down, Wackula.
[indistinct chatter]
He had a lot of friends
with them.
[clanking]
-[whispering]
-[dramatic music]
Mistress Christine Berman.
Former elder
of the Court of Dreams.
Mistress Sarah.
Former bride
of the King of Kings
of the House Pont Du Lac.
And their guest.
Jesus, don't pop a boner.
[light rock music]
Do mine eyes deceive me?
How longst has it been?
Still doing
the Shakespeare thing, huh?
[laughing]
Lady.
-Is this blood?
-No.
Ugh! Did I mention there's
no alcohol at these things?
Barrel of laughs this crowd is.
How often does this happen?
About once a month.
Christine.
Alice.
Regan.
Regan.
She changed her name to Regan
because it means queen.
Sarah.
Regan.
[Stacz] It is a surprise
to see you once more
amongst our number.
And who's this?
[gasps] Have you finally found
a boyfriend?
Not Sarah's boyfriend.
This is James,
he's our black swan.
It's just a mundane
who's cool about vampires.
-A mundane?
-Non-vampire.
You mean like a muggle?
I'm Sarah's ex-husband.
Congratulations
on your new internet fame.
I'm sure you're enjoying that.
Can be a burden
sometimes too, though.
The elders are not happy
about your unapproved
internet appearance.
I figured.
I am the approved media contact
for this community.
And you're just jeopardizing
the privacy of every--
[Chrissy] I'm jeopardizing?
We're being audited
because of you.
Yeah, and you could be next.
Can we go somewhere and talk?
That's your ex-husband?
Yeah.
[phone ringing]
It's my...
It's my mom.
I have an ex, too, wife.
I married her
because she wanted me to.
No, because I mean
my mom wanted me to.
She... just suffocates me.
[man] You know, I believe
in a sensual approach to life.
If it feels good, do it.
-So I said, go--
-I'm not that interested
in the blood itself,
I'm more drawn
to the darker aspects, you know.
These people are completely
out of their minds.
You have no idea.
[laughing]
What?
No, I just, it struck me
that there was nothing
that I can do in this room
that would make me
the weirdest person here.
Hold that.
[upbeat music]
Yeah, yeah!
[clapping]
I always wanted to do that
at a party.
-Okay.
-It looked better in my head.
Sarah, I really like
your blue hair.
Oh.
No, please, listen.
The other night when we were
standing by the subway, I--
I've never met
anyone like you, ever.
I haven't been able
to stop thinking about you.
We have to go.
[Stacz] Oh, no,
no, no, no. Stay.
Please!
I mean,
we'd love to hear more about how
after you stage
this dramatic little secession,
now you need our help.
[Chrissy] You're right.
Thanks for reminding me
why we left.
[Stacz] Buh bye.
Bye, thanks, nice party.
[laughing]
[Stacz] Carry on.
[man] Rex Lamia!
Thanks for coming.
I'm sure you'll be in touch
about the audit.
You said he was here
for the audit.
He was.
Tell me that was
just to help the case.
It was.
For eight years you don't date
a single person, not one,
and now you're making eyes
at that guy?
I wasn't making eyes at him.
Were you not there when Lily
was crying her guts out?
I know.
You think that guy's gonna
be able to handle this?
You think there's something
special about him.
Or special about you.
That this isn't gonna go
the same fucking way
it always goes--
No, I don't.
It was nothing.
You're the one
who wants me to have sex.
I saw your face.
This is about more than sex.
I love you.
Don't be an idiot.
-[holy music]
-[woman] As healers
of the light, we have
fellowship with one another
and the blood of Jesus, his son,
purifies us from all sin.
For the life
of the flesh is in blood.
And he hath given it
to you upon the altar
to make an atonement
for your souls.
-[creaking]
-Shh!
For it is the blood
that maketh thy atoned
for the soul.
-He has delivered his son--
-[creaking]
[light music]
-And transfer to the kingdom.
-[James] Yeah!
-Of his beloved son.
-[James] Yeah!
And can we have redemption--
[light music]
I think it would go faster
if you... as well.
I'm sorry, I thought
this would be more, I mean.
I figured nobody
would see us here.
I mean, not nobody,
but you know.
Yeah, that's fine.
No, I meant if we wanted to say
anything related to your case.
Is that what we're doing here?
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
This is... auditing 101.
So, with the donors,
is it always like
a sexual thing, or...?
No, I mean, it can be,
but mostly
they just wanna be donors.
And do you have a donor?
No. I'm sorry,
I think maybe we should go back.
-What, why?
-No, it's fine, I just...
I think maybe we should do this
at your office.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Didn't you say that you wanted
to hang out?
Yeah, I just,
it was a stupid idea.
I think I just...
I just thought that, you know,
like last night we had,
and I think I just really badly
misread the situation,
so if...
-What?
-No, I just, I--
I thought that maybe
you liked me,
which was stupid obviously.
-I do, I do like you.
-No, you don't.
[soft laugh]
Look, I'm--
I'm sorry, I don't know
why I brought you,
I'm a complete spaz.
When I suggested
the paddle boats
because I thought
they would be romantic,
which clearly they're not.
I think if you like me
it's only 'cause I'm a vampire.
I mean, I know
that's the most...
interesting thing
about me, but--
I'm sure it isn't
the most interesting thing
about you.
Please.
Please, tell me
something about you
that is not vampire-related.
I learned
two very important things
from my marriage.
Tell me.
Don't get a facial tattoo
when you're 16
and don't marry
the guy who inks you.
I think it's great.
Yeah, well, I hate it, so.
No, really, I think it's...
I think it's very cool.
Really.
It's like,
"Hey everyone, I have blue hair
and a tattoo on my face."
You're like, "Yeah, what?"
That was the idea.
I think you're really beautiful.
[sighs heavily]
I haven't had sex
in eight years.
Oh. I thought I was bad.
Can I kiss you now?
I really can't stop thinking
about kissing you.
Wait, you're not gonna bite me,
are you?
We don't bite.
It's not sanitary.
[light music]
I'll try it, then.
Just out of curiosity,
how do you extract
the blood then?
Lancets, razorblades,
this special needle you can only
get at the vet's office.
Is this okay?
[heavy breathing]
[phone ringing]
[Sarah] You gonna get that?
[James] No.
Why is there a stuffed robot
beside your bed?
Could you not?
What?
-Please, Mellowtron--
-His name is Mellowtron?
No.
Yes, could you just...
Who are you?
What do you mean?
Who are you?
Ulysses is my favorite book.
Okay.
You want?
Fine.
I like The Bachelor,
it's my favorite TV show.
I don't think
I've ever said that out loud
to another human being.
What else?
What do you mean?
Dunno.
What do you want from me?
I'm a vampire.
Tell me something weirder.
I thought
we were gonna have sex.
We are.
Lie down.
My mom calls me all the time.
You a mama's boy?
No, God, she's just lonely,
I'm all she has.
I want more.
My dad...
left when I was seven.
Legs open, please.
He gave me Mellowtron
before he left.
I used to sit for hours
in my bedroom
pretending I was
a robot just like him.
I thought that if I could
just not feel anything
or want anything or do anything
except make
the next rational decision
then nothing could hurt me
and no one would leave me.
I thought I would spend
my whole life
trying to prove to my mom that
I'm a better man than he is.
So prove it.
[heavy breathing]
-[light pleasant music]
-[birds chirping]
[gasps]
Is there a woman
in your bedroom?
Uh, yes.
I could hear you.
I could hear you.
Just because you have no regard
for the sanctity of marriage,
you may think that you can
come into my place of work
and make love to Tim
and steal a promotion
that I have been working
years for.
But this is my home,
it is sacred.
I'm going to take a shower.
I'd like her to be gone
by the time I'm out.
[door slamming]
No, no, no, no, one minute.
She's my coworker
and I'm auditing you.
What, what if she'd seen you?
I could be in so much trouble.
We had sex, do you know how much
trouble I could get into?
Sarah.
Sarah.
Are you aware of the state
of the economy right now?
Why are you being like this?
I knew you couldn't handle it.
You're blowing this
outta proportion.
You have no idea
what it is like to be me.
To have people stare at me
from the second
I leave my house!
Maybe they're staring at you
because you are yelling
in the middle of the sidewalk.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
-Look, can we just--
-No.
-I am not--
-Do you even like your job?
I'm good at it.
No, I hate it, okay?
Is that what you want to hear?
I loathe every second
that I am there.
Yeah, I know, you're right.
We can't have you
losing that job.
I'm sorry I panicked,
but it's all I have.
Except you,
I don't wanna lose you.
You're great.
You are so beautiful.
Would you please
just stop saying that?
It's like telling a man with
a small penis how big it is,
it's just embarrassing
for everyone.
What? No, look.
That first night, by the subway,
this is gonna sound--
Oh, God, I dunno.
I had this, it was so real,
it was like I knew something
about you, about us--
I only just met you.
I know,
I wasn't gonna say anything
because I didn't
wanna sound like
some lunatic stalker person.
You know what, I don't care.
I want to be
your lunatic stalker person!
[light music]
Okay, so what?
So you wanna go out with me
but I have to be a secret?
You're not a secret.
Until your audit case is closed
you just probably can't stay
at my place.
And after the audit's over?
I only just met you.
Fine.
What are you doing?
I just--
I wanna remember this moment.
[phone clicking]
-Wait, look.
-What?
I thought vampires weren't
supposed to-- maybe you're not.
[Sarah] Dickwad.
Wait, what did you call me?
[light pleasant music]
[phone buzzing]
[laughing]
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
Close your eyes
Rest against mine
Felt so warm and dry
[laughs]
Ugh!
My parents
don't talk to me anymore
so they send me
shitty presents instead.
And so this is what?
A perverse pile of despair?
[giggles]
Maybe you're lucky
they don't talk to you.
I had to move continents
to get away from mine.
[Sarah laughs]
Junior year in high school.
I'd never had a boyfriend.
No one had ever liked me
liked me at all.
Wasn't pretty or funny
or loud, I just was...
But there was this boy, Kyle.
He had glasses, he was nice.
A lot of the girls were in love
with him, but I was his friend.
And so for two years
I'd watch him date other girls
and talk to him about them.
And I waited,
knowing that eventually
he'd realize I'd been there
all along.
I know.
So this one day in drama class
we were playing
this game that was
hide and seek basically,
and I found this great hiding
spot way up above the stage.
So the game went on and they
found everybody except me.
And then they started
celebrating because everyone,
including the teacher,
including Kyle,
had forgotten
that I was in the class.
So on my 16th birthday
I got my driver's license,
the next day,
I got a tattoo on my face.
I told Stacz.
I told Stacz to make me
look fierce.
And I didn't know
who Mike Tyson was,
so that's been
a thing every day since.
I figured no one
would ever like me.
But at least
they wouldn't forget me.
[phone chiming]
[beeping]
[slap]
[both laughing]
So, uhm... [grunts]
I know you probably don't wanna
hear this right now, but...
I have a husband.
Yeah, what the hell do I care?
[scoffs]
Right.
-Bye.
-Bye.
Did you drink her blood?
[slurping]
I got my temp fang
from Stella yesterday.
They're cool!
They better be.
Cost a fucking fortune.
[slurping]
[slurping]
Are you guys team Jacob
or team Robert Pattinson?
[slurping stops]
That is a silly book
and a silly movie.
Many real vampires hide
their vampire activities
from people at their jobs
and even their spouses.
We are called
the House of Twilight
because we are working towards
living in a state of twilight
where we can be transparent
about our darker natures.
What is your job?
I'm a kindergarten teacher.
Of course you are.
What are those?
[laughs]
You are not.
I am.
These are just to try,
but I'm gonna go permanent.
I got some temporary fangs
for you, too.
You what?
[Chrissy] Whoa, whoa,
whoa, Sarah.
I'm fine.
How long has it been?
Two weeks.
Sarah!
Two weeks since what?
Since she fed.
Wait, so, you haven't now.
Is this the hunger?
If you wanna go, go.
No, I'm sure you can find
someone who doesn't drink blood
to make you feel exciting.
Can I feed on you tonight?
What?
All of a sudden my blood's
not too slutty for you?
Whatever you need, babe.
I want you to watch.
Fine.
Fine what?
Fine, I will be there tonight.
[light music]
You're not supposed to be
in here.
[James] You look
absolutely beautiful.
-[James screaming]
-[growls]
[gasping]
Shh! God! Shh!
[Faith] What's her name?
What?
I haven't seen you at home much
since the great incident.
You're having nightmares
at work.
I'm assuming there's a woman.
Hey, is there someone special?
No.
Is she coming to the picnic?
We'd be happy to give her
a ride, too.
No, I'm not seeing anyone.
There's no one.
You know, I'd love a ride, Tim.
James and I
actually live together,
so it'd just be the one stop.
Oh. I'm not sure
we'll have enough room,
but we'll see you there, though.
Hey, how's that audit
coming on the vampire group?
Oh, no, I mean,
it's almost done,
-I'm just wrapping it up.
-Great.
How 'bout the end of day
on Tuesday then?
[groans]
EOD, buddy, EOD.
Great.
I want you to know
I'm in the middle
of a theological crisis.
Okay.
On the one hand,
I want that job.
On the other hand,
these vampires are doing
the work of the devil
here on Earth,
so I think you catching them
is maybe more important.
[sighs]
[thud]
-[thunder rumbling]
-[light suspenseful music]
Do you wanna do it?
[Chrissy] You kneel now
in a sacred place
before all those who've gone
before you on this path.
Freely and willingly
I give you this.
My blood.
That's enough.
[light music]
Are you sure
you have to go home?
Early morning tomorrow.
Sarah, when you told me
at the audit
about your place of worship,
that's...
You don't have,
the apartment is it, right?
Yeah.
So the three of you
have essentially
not been paying income tax
on up to half of your income
by donating your rent money
to the church
which you're also
not paying income tax on it?
Yeah, but,
Chrissy looked all this up.
I mean,
it is our place of worship.
Chrissy looked it up.
Yeah.
Good.
Are you gonna get
fake fangs then?
I should go.
Do you wanna hang out
next weekend?
Yeah.
Oh wait,
I have this big company picnic
for work.
My boss is giving me a ride.
Are significant others
coming to this picnic?
Yeah.
Probably.
Dinner?
How about dinner tomorrow night?
Yeah, great.
James.
If you can't handle all this...
See you tomorrow night.
Hey, Faith.
[Faith] Yeah?
If the members
of the vampire church
are all living in their church
and they're donating
part of their income
to help cover the rent,
is that legal?
No way.
It is their church,
their place of worship.
Not if they're living there.
You got 'em?
Way to go!
Put the nail in that coffin.
[dramatic music]
[incoming call]
You've been a hard man
to get ahold of.
I know, I'm sorry,
it's been busy.
Tim sent me
a nice email last week.
He says you're one of his stars.
Yeah, actually,
I think I might be
in line for a promotion.
You'll be promoted
after such a short time.
That will look remarkable
on your CV.
The kind of job
that requires integrity.
It's a sort of job your father
never could've gotten--
I know, thanks, Mom.
I am just proud to have raised
a man with integrity.
Actually,
I am going on a date tonight.
A date?
Yeah, we've been seeing
each other for a little while.
She's...
Actually I have a-- wait.
Well, I should let you go now.
Did you see the picture?
Yes.
I really like her.
Good.
You do what you like.
Mom, can we talk
at another time?
I mean, look at her face!
James.
That is not how I raised you
and don't look like that.
Yeah.
Well, I should let you go.
I love you, Mom.
I love you too.
I know
you'll do the right thing.
[sighs]
[light music]
There are two of us
On the run
Going so fast every doubt
We had is coming undone
Falling behind
With everything we left there
We held on
Before too long
And now we have
So many people on the road
So, you wanna go ahead and order
or you still waiting?
-I'll just pay for the wine.
-Okay.
From what we know
It's not unheard of
And we'll run
And tell our story
Of how we been
[sighs]
Something other
Sails now
[knocking]
[Lily] Sarah?
Are you okay?
I'm fine.
Everything else
Has room to grow
'Cause in better light...
Faith, I'm... just gonna
step outside for a sec.
Wanted to tell
Our story of...
[muffled scream]
-Faith.
-Yeah?
Have you seen the case file
that was on my desk?
The vampire one? Yeah.
Tim came by and picked it up.
Tim might just marry you
after this one.
I'm sure you'll be
very happy together.
One, two, three, baby
When you get tired
Just keep one foot
In front of the other
There's no race
No ending in sight
No second too short
No window too tight
Turn off the lights
When you leave
'Cause we got everything
We're gonna need
We're on the run
We're on the run
We're on the run, child
We gotta run, we gotta run
We gotta run, child
[man] No, Mom, I can't talk
right now. I really have to.
No, no, no,
I've got a date, actually.
Yeah.
No, it's--
We need
Something other
Sounds now
One to tell
Starry eyes
We made something
We made something of ourselves
What are you doing here?
Heard from the asshole lately?
Not a church is the ruling.
Misappropriation of funds,
back taxes and fines,
and further investigation.
Fucking asshole!
We have to get this thrown out.
Thank you, Sherlock.
I don't think auditors
are supposed
to be sleeping
with their clients.
[dramatic music]
[Sarah] That's gotta be it.
Okay, so we're just gonna go,
find his boss,
tell him what happened,
that's it.
Sarah, I don't think
you're grasping
what an opportunity this is.
This could be our moment,
our standing rock,
our occupy Wall Street.
Chrissy.
People don't wanna listen to us,
we'll make them listen.
We could get a buncha vampires
together, all in vampire drag,
we invite the media,
we bring signs,
we make speeches,
we force those IRS squares
and the world to reckon with us.
Real vampires disrupt IRS picnic
in an act of civil disobedience.
Absolutely not.
Just us, no press, no moment.
Okay?
[sighs]
Vampire drag is good, though.
Let's give James
something to remember.
[tapping]
[ringing]
[muffled hip hop music]
Hey, Jimbo.
Yes, it does
-What's up, Pam?
-Hey, good, you?
Feel good...
[Tim] It's gonna be a great day!
[Faith] Nice ride, Tim.
No good, Tim.
[mumbling]
[dramatic music]
[Chrissy] Oh shit.
That look.
Your parents and I had
the craziest nights in Oxford.
One night we were at this bar
and it was packed, man.
I mean, you could hardly move.
And we were wasted.
Don't tell your mom
I told you that.
[Faith] Hi, Tim, Pam, James.
How was the ride? Was it good?
Turns out the Q isn't running,
so I had to take a bus
to another bus
to the seven train.
But anyway, I made it.
Oh, and Tim, I invited
my whole prayer group,
-so I hope that's okay.
-Hi.
They love potato salad.
We really do.
Hey!
You guys must be confused.
[dramatic music]
Halloween is in October.
[indistinct chatter
and laughter]
[Sarah] Hey!
My name is Sarah Woods.
I belong
to the House of Twilight.
We are a collective
of independent vampires.
I drink human blood
because I feel weak without it.
-Ugh!
-That's disgusting!
Hey, don't talk to her
like that.
We've been under investigation
by the IRS
and we have just
received a ruling
that we are not
a legitimate church.
We reject this ruling
because we believe
that it is based on prejudice.
But beyond that,
we request that the ruling
be thrown out because...
Go on. Do it.
Tell him.
Tell me what?
I knew it, I knew it!
Don't do it, James,
you've wandered
but you're not lost.
I can save you, we can save you.
No, Faith.
This way you get the promotion,
you deserve it.
This is about
something much bigger
than a promotion now!
This is about...
-[all] Jesus!
-[Stacz] Jesus! Ha!
[dramatic music]
[Tim] Is there some convention
I didn't hear about?
[Pam] Honey! Shh!
-[Stacz] Revolt!
-Oh, my God.
Get your phone out.
Sorry, baby,
this is bigger than you.
Aw! That's my cooler!
Up until this moment you've all
lived safe, little lives.
When I say I'm a vampire,
you think I'm crazy.
We have tried rational
means to explain it to you.
We have made videos available
on YouTube.
But today you'll wonder
if maybe, just maybe,
there are things in this world
that cannot be explained at all!
Ups. Sorry.
[man gasps] God.
[Faith] You cannot glamor us,
you spawn of Satan!
By the glory of God!
-For Jesus!
-For Jesus!
[man] Rex Lamia!
Stay back.
-Call the cops!
-[laughing]
Be with me now!
[screams]
-Can someone record this?
-Sarah.
I'm so sorry,
I've made a massive mistake.
You turned us in.
No, I didn't.
I hadn't-- no, no, my boss,
he saw it on my desk and I had.
But no, it doesn't matter.
I'm an idiot, I panicked.
[laughing]
The power of Christ compels you.
The power of Christ compels you!
Faith, stop it, leave her alone!
In nomine Patris et filii
-et Spiri--
-[hisses]
Resist!
What do you have to do?
Tell me what I need to do.
Come on.
-Dark silence.
-Can't we just hug it out?
-Tim.
-[Tim gasps]
I was dating this woman
the entire time
I was investigating her.
You should fire me.
No, better yet, I quit.
I quit.
[dramatic music]
Sarah!
Sarah, stop!
I know
it's not your fault, buddy.
We'll talk about it on Monday!
[James] Sarah!
Hey!
Hey!
-[James growls]
-[screaming] What the--
Sorry, sorry.
-I just--
-What are you doing?
I just thought that maybe
if I was a vampire, too...
I don't need you to be
a vampire, James.
Then what?
Tell me.
[laughing]
[sighs]
Dude, you should hear yourself.
You think
she wants to be with you?
-Excuse me, pal.
-[laughing]
Hey, this chick?
Paid to drink my blood
for eight and a half years
after our divorce.
And you think
she wants to be with you.
Oh, ho, ho...
Get out of here!
Would you just go?
[laughing]
Okay.
No problem, I'll go.
I'll go.
See ya next Sunday.
[Sarah] Fuck you.
[yelling]
-[James] Stop it, come on.
-[screaming]
[groaning]
I trusted you.
Wait, Sarah!
Listen.
I understand
if you want to leave,
I am a complete disaster.
And I don't know much
about anything,
but I know that I want you.
[light music]
That's the decision
I want to make.
-I love you.
-No, you don't.
You don't.
This just in.
A group has taken responsibility
for the event.
They call themselves
real vampires.
Sound unusual?
It is.
I have seen them.
Vampires are real.
I will be releasing
an official statement on Monday,
but I believe we will be
throwing out the case.
[screaming]
That said,
we will be pursuing charges
for disturbance of peace
and destruction
of personal property.
[stomping]
What the hell was that?
Sarah, we're all over the news!
I said no vampires.
[door slamming]
[Faith giggling]
-[door closes]
-Oh!
This is Steve.
We were just having
a very stimulating
theological discussion.
[giggling]
This is Mellowtron.
He is my robot.
And he makes me feel less alone
when I'm lonely.
-[knocking]
-Sarah?
Sarah?
[Chrissy] Sorry you didn't get
to finish your speech,
but they're gonna
throw the case out.
Are you okay, Sarah?
I'm sorry, Sarah, okay?
-Not everything is about you.
-[scoffs]
You know, you forced us all out
because it's what you wanted
while I just wanna live my life.
[Lily] What happened
with James, Sarah?
Nothing happened with James,
she's not angry about him.
Of course she is.
He turned us in.
And then he quit his job
for her!
He's a mundane.
Who cares if he's a mundane,
I love him!
Shit.
Starting around when I was five
I became obsessed
with tasting it.
Like, if a friend had a cut
or something,
I would just stare at the blood.
The first time I tasted blood
I was 22.
I felt like how different
and how outside
of everyone I always felt.
Like maybe there was a reason.
I'm a vampire.
I am a vampire.
I enjoy being a vampire
on evenings and weekends.
But I'm also
a life insurance salesman.
A Muslim.
-A father.
-A karaoke queen.
[Lily] Before this video, you
looked at me and saw a Muslim,
now you look at me
and see a vampire.
But the truth is much more
complicated than any of that.
[soft knocking]
All I am is me.
Hey.
Hi.
Can I come in?
Okay.
Great.
I had that, that vision
or whatever you said you had
by the subway, I-- I had that.
But the thing is
that I don't actually believe
that that sort of thing happens,
you know?
Like when people say they knew,
I always so like no,
you knew in retrospect,
but when I met you,
when I'm with you I think about
what our kids
are gonna look like.
But that's not who I am, James.
I drink blood.
And with you, if someone
put a gun to my head
and said you can have him
or you can be.
I don't know
which one I'd choose.
I don't want you
to make that choice.
You make me want everything
I thought I was better than,
you know?
You make me feel like
all that garbage
might be enough.
Me too. You make me
want that garbage, too.
It's fine.
Everything will be fine.
You don't know that.
I believe it will.
But I don't know.
I don't know either.
[light dramatic music]
[heartbeat thudding]
Okay.
Okay.
[light guitar music]
That's where
You've been gone
I'm tempted now to say
That you never were
Really here
That's where
You've been gone
I'm tempted now to say
That you never were
Really here
[light funky music]
The darkness, it descends
Sometimes it feels
It never ends
And who will be true
And stand by you 'till the end
Monstrous lovers
Is the trouble going just down
Monstrous lovers
We'll grab a shovel
And bring you back around
When your old man's
Giving you the runaround
It's hard to be the creature
In a human town
You'll be so glad you found
Monstrous lovers
When it's dark
It's good to have friends
Even if they're hairy
Or they're scary
Or they're made out of odds
And ends
'Cause the humans
They can be the worst of all
Worse than any creature
At the monster's ball
Who'll be there for you
When you fall?
Monstrous lovers
If your troubles
Are going just down
Monstrous lovers
We'll grab a shovel
And bring you back around
When your old man's
Giving you the runaround
It's hard to be the creature
In a human town
You'll be so glad you found
Monstrous lovers
All right, boys, let's rattle
Every bone in that graveyard!
Monstrous lovers
If you're trouble
Though you're just down
Monstrous lovers
We'll grab a shovel
And bring you back around
When your old man's
Giving you the runaround
It's hard to be the creature
In a human town
You'll be so glad
You've found
The best damn friends around
You'll be so glad
You've found
[howling]
[chuckling]
Monstrous lovers