Blackball (2003) Movie Script
Oh, no!
We're trying to play football here, mate.
My lord, the green is ready!
The prince of bowls... is on the green.
Good morning, Mr Speight.
- Good morning, Mr Speight.
- Morning, Ray.
May I?
You're rushing the release.
In bowls, the key is composure.
Yeah!
Just for Daddy!
Oh, my lord!
On the condom?
It is on the condom!
Come on!
The jack. Your wood, my wood.
If mine finishes closer to the jack
than yours, I score one shot.
Simplicity itself.
And bowls, Bridget, is all about simplicity.
The three "A"s.
Approach... Assess... Aim.
The three "B"s. Bend... Balance...
Breathe.
Finally, the three "T"s.
- Target... Tempo...
- Tosser!
- Who said that?
- Saluting a fellow sportsman.
Brothers... of the black ball.
I mean, my God!
My God, the embarrassment!
- We'll never hear the last of it.
- That's a great shot, that's a beauty!
- People know we're related.
- I know.
- I wish you'd stop going in that club.
- No, for me it's embarrassing!
That's the owner.
You did finish that bedroom?
- Before you went bowling?
- Yeah.
Is this where we ripped it and you said,
"Let's play fuckin' bowls"?
Watch and learn, mate.
Trick of the trade, right?
If you tear the paper, you cut out bits
of the pattern and stick it on the join.
See?
Do you not think there's other things
she'll worry about?
It's all evenly spaced up here.
Down here it's the fuckin' Milky Way.
- And in the bedroom...
- We're coming along nicely.
All right, my love?
Done something
a bit special for you over here.
I took the liberty
of doing a bit of research,
and I discovered the position
of the stars on the night you were born.
What we've got here is the constellation
of Ormelius, the Long Straight Snake.
The Chinese believe this will have
governed your career as a?
Professor of Astronomy
at Exeter University.
Bollocks.
I don't understand why somebody who can
place a wood perfectly, 30 yards away,
can't even hang wallpaper.
It's a different skill. Wallpapering
requires a different set of skills.
What are you doing? I do the heavy stuff.
Grandad, he looks after the wallpapering,
and I look after Grandad. Deal?
Deal.
You're a little terror.
OK, the first thing
is your emergency stop, Bridget.
When I tap the dashboard,
I want you to stop as though
a child had run out into the road.
There he is. The ball's bounced out,
now out he runs.
One, two, three... stop.
Good.
Right, emergency stop.
When I hit the dashboard, I want you
to react as though a child had...
That's not fair.
That's what a young mother with a pram
would now be saying.
Back to the test centre.
- You know why he failed you?
- Emergency stop.
Wrong side of the tracks, mate.
Ray Speight does not pass people
from the Links Estate. Simple as that.
I can always resit it.
And we should rise above
that kind of behaviour.
For example, we should not take the piss
out of them posh schoolgirls.
I absolutely agree.
I can't resist it.
Afternoon, ladies. Cliff Starkey,
Torquay's first sexual theme park.
And this here
is the Barry White of St Helens.
The slug of love!
Keep off the road, Charlotte.
Tonight, on Sporstweb, Channel 15,
the Wizards of Oz, Kyle and Mark Doohan.
Great Bowls of Fire!
The bowling brothers
laid waste to South Africa,
New Zealand and Canada
in the Kyalami Lawn Classic.
Tonight, will America fall?
From Saratoga,
it's Australia versus America.
Hollywood bowls!
Eight p.m. Pacific standard time...
Now, football's a team game. Yeah? Great.
But with bowls, you're on your own.
It's just your hand, your eye,
two and a half pounds of pure wood.
The reason it's so simple
is the reason it's so magical.
Have you seen this?
"The world of bowls cannot provide
any competition for the Doohan brothers."
I envy you. I do, because... you don't
know what it feels like, that first time.
"Annihilators of every bowling nation
under the sun."
The first time you see your wood
20 metres away.
And suddenly, she starts to swing in.
And you know it was you
that made that happen.
It's the most perfect feeling in the world.
It's the most unbeliev...
...feeling.
"Laying waste to all
the world's greatest players."
Except one, mate.
- Mr Cocky back out of the box?
- You pretend not to know how good I am.
So how come you only ever play me,
who's so... What's the word? Crap?
Out of principle, I refuse to go
into the Royal Torquay Bowls Club.
Plus the fact the bloody Doohans
live in Australia.
Except for this summer,
when they're coming to England.
...lasted the afternoon!
- Afternoon, Giles.
- Afternoon, Derek.
Afternoon, Hugh.
Afternoon, Mutley. Welcome to Torquay
Oxfam. Any trousers to donate?
Ones with arses the size of parachutes
that smell of mints and wee.
Put them back on the bloody pegs.
- Right, then...
- Davis...
- How do I get picked for England?
- What?
- So I can have a go at the Aussies.
- By being champion of your county.
Right. Off we go, then.
You sexy mother!
Couple of minutes.
My God!
You're playing Alan Booth. He's ranked 16
in Devon, but he's on his way up.
He's young, he's hungry
and he's dangerous.
All right?
When this is over, I want to run through
the meaning of "young" and "dangerous".
Nice woods.
Canadian maple. Hence the case.
English plastic.
Hence the Asda bag.
That were a good length, Alan!
How about some support for me?
Nice slacks!
Oh, no, don't start that.
Great shot.
Fight back begins, yeah?
You're flying now, mate.
Sugar!
- You what, my love?
- From the doughnut. On the green.
I'll use my left hand.
In fact, not only that, Alan.
I will concede the entire match
if, having struck the jack,
my bowl
does not end up on this Rizla paper.
Don't worry, he does it every night.
- Blindfolded!
- That's a new one.
Oh, Mama!
Slacks! Slacks on, Starkey. Slacks on!
- Ray, he's been flicking it and...
- Throwing it in the air.
- With his feet, Ray.
- All right, Alan.
Ray, I'm feeling a little bit left out here.
- Eating doughnuts.
- All right, Hugh.
- Starkey...
- It's to do with first and last names.
Have you been picking the bowl up
with your feet?
I don't think there's anything
in the rule book about it.
That's because the rule book never
envisaged people like you playing bowls.
And what kind of people am I, Ray?
Get off the grass, Starkey.
I will... Speight.
As soon as I'm county champion. All right?
Game, Starkey.
Starkey wins.
Reg Boyt, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's hear it for Reg.
A fine eye, a steady hand,
and possibly the only bowls player in Britain
still to be a working porn star!
- What did he say?
- Never seen "Reg Does Paignton"?
Did he say "porn"?
The follow-up to "Open Your Legs,
I Need My Teeth Back", wasn't it?
17-0, Starkey.
- Hard luck, mate.
- It hasn't stopped yet.
- Don't be a bad loser.
- The bowl hasn't stopped yet.
For Christ's sake!
Just hang on there.
Yours hits mine, sending the jack through
the gate, off yours, onto my back.
I'm holding four, 21-0, I win,
you're buggered. I thank you!
Come on!
That's it, he's done it.
- Game, Starkey.
- He's in the final.
Come on!
In a moment, I'm going to ask you
to do an emergency stop.
- Yes?
- Starkey won.
Damn it!
This is the first time in your life
you've been quiet
for longer than a minute.
I'm going to play for England, aren't I?
You've got to beat Ray Speight
in this final first, sunshine.
And due respect to all them others
that you beat, and all that,
but they aren't in the same class
as Ray Speight.
Is he?
He's good.
He's the only player I have ever seen
who is in your league.
How come if he ain't been beaten
for 23 years in this county,
he's never played for England?
Well, I expect he's got his reasons.
Can you pick me up
from the council meeting?
I'm making another presentation,
so I might have a little drink afterwards.
No problem.
I have always felt that a town can be
judged on the decorum and standards
maintained by its swimming pools.
Therefore, I propose that
in addition to the notices reading
"No diving, no running,
no bombing and no petting"
we now add the sign,
"No thongs".
Thanks to Councillor Speight
for his vigilance
in the field of municipal signage.
All members will join me
in wishing him well
for his record 24th consecutive Southern
Peninsula Bowls Title on Saturday.
Cheers!
You are so beautiful, do you know that?
So beautiful.
OK, my little angel.
Here we go.
Nice and easy.
Just relax. Enjoy it.
So, this is what Torquay's sexual
theme park gets up to after hours.
- What's your name, then?
- Kerry.
- As in the county? I'm Cliff. As in...
- Richard.
Don't go near the edge of.
You spoilt that! Don't worry.
I wouldn't have had you down
as a bowls player.
That depends on what your definition
of a bowls player is.
Right? What is this bowls player
of which you speak?
- You can't define it because you don't...
- Yes, I can.
A 50-year-old with a mental age of 70,
who reads the "Mail", votes Conservative
and thinks a shag
is something you put in your pipe.
What I'm trying to say,
if you let me finish,
is that there are, in fact,
two types of bowlers. Yeah?
There's bowlers like me,
bowlers this town don't want.
Grew up playing on
any crappy bit of grass.
Sneaking onto ornamental gardens,
just to get a taste of that green velvet.
- Kerry!
- Then there's bloody Nazi twats like him.
Coming, Dad.
Bollocks.
Good day, Giles.
Yes, it is. A great day.
Absolutely wonderful day.
Good day for hunting.
Fox on the rabbit!
Thank you. Thank you.
Oh, my word. Kerry, this is a surprise.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the final of the Southern Peninsula
Men's Singles.
From Torquay, Ray Speight.
- Go on, Ray.
- One more time, Ray!
Versus, also from Torquay, Cliff Starkey.
Come on!
Come on!
- Trevor!
- Cliffy, I love you!
First end... play.
I'm a shooting star
Leaping through the sky like a tiger
Defying the laws of gravity
I'm a racing car
Passing by like Lady Godiva
I'm gonna go, go, go
There's no stopping me
Bloody hell, I've got a groupie!
That's what I love about older women.
- They get to 50 and let themselves go.
- You cheeky sod!
I want to make a supersonic man
out of you
Don't stop me now
- He's not going to win, is he? Dad?
- Shut up.
Don't stop me now
if you want to have a good time
Just give me a call
Don't stop me now
'cause I'm having a good time
Don't stop me now
Yes, I'm having a good time
I don't wanna stop at all
I'm a rocket ship on my way to Mars
Give us a kiss, then.
Right, I bloody will!
I'm a sex machine, ready to reload
Like an atom bomb
Come on!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, explode!
I'm burning through the sky, yeah
200 degrees,
that's why they call me Mr Fahrenheit
I'm travelling at the speed of light
I wanna make
a supersonic woman of you
Don't stop me, don't stop me,
don't stop me
Championship point.
When the bull is wounded,
it is important the end comes quick.
Game and County Championship: Starkey.
Oh, burning through the sky...
You bloody beauty! You beauty!
Come on!
There's only one Cliffy Starkey!
One Cliffy Starkey!
The winner
and new Southern Peninsula Champion,
Cliff Starkey.
I call upon the outgoing champion
to present the trophy.
Come on, Ray. Don't forget the three "A"s.
Approach... Acknowledge... Award.
You ought to melt this down.
It's only tin, but it'll get your grandad
a new suit from Oxfam.
We are the champions!
We're taking home a champion.
You'll have to drive, I've had a couple.
Come on, mate.
One moment.
"Mister Speight is..."
"Mister Speight is a tosser."
What do you understand by the phrase,
"tosser"?
I am aware that as a bowls player,
I am de facto a despatcher of bowls.
However, my knowledge of Mr Starkey
would lead me to believe
he intended the vernacular sense...
- He's going to say it!
...of masturbator.
"Defacement of a scorecard
is a protocol offence
"against point 4A paragraph 2
of the UKBC codes and regulations,
Well, sod it.
"And a ban from all competition,
at the discretion of the injured party."
Cliff Starkey is hereby banned from
any national or international competition
for 15 years.
- Hear, hear!
- Jolly good!
Ladies and gentlemen!
The reinstated and record-breaking 24th-time
Southern Peninsula Bowls Champion,
Ray Speight.
Don't you think 15 years is a little excessive?
Eric Cantona got eight weeks
and he kicked someone in the head.
It equates, Kerry.
In bowls, 15 years
is only a sixth of your career.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Seeing as I won't be needing these
any more,
you can have them.
Yeah!
Meet the new boss
Same as the old boss
No point running away.
Should have worn a mask.
- This ain't funny.
- I never said it was.
- It's just another example.
- An example of what?
The Torquay Mafia, you know!
They all come from the same part of town
and they all stick together.
Don't you worry about that.
- You did write it.
- What?
You didn't have to write on the scorecard.
The mentality of your tosspot father.
- He's still my dad.
- Exactly the same. Off you go.
Back into ranks. Go on, off you go.
Back into ranks.
- Land of hope and glory!
- Good night, Cliff.
Mother of the free!
How shall we extol thee?
Here, I brought you these back.
I had to pretend I was keeping them
for the police.
It's bloody ridiculous.
80 hours community service
for smashing a few plates?
- Why did you do it?
- Leave it out, Mutley.
Tell me! Afford me that.
At least afford the man who brought you up
and took you bowling every Sunday...
I am sorry if my mum and dad dying
ruined your Sundays.
You've thrown away
the biggest chance you'll ever have.
You took me bowling
'cause you wanted to go.
I stood by, bored off my tits. I only
started playing to keep myself sane.
I knew that. Exactly. That's why
I kept going and I kept you doing it,
until you kept sane to the point
where you'd become a genius.
A potential national champion genius!
- What did he say that was so terrible?
- It was nothing.
Bollocks!
- Don't shout at it, Mutley.
- Hello?
Don't shout at it!
You don't need to, it's electronic.
I'll get him.
I think she said it's the local news.
Hello?
Down the line!
Pass it!
Keep those sticks down.
Camilla?
This is the game of hockey calling.
- What the hell are you doing here?
- Too bloody right.
It's burning my feet. It's taken
a right effort morally to turn up here.
10-8. Full time. Get changed, please.
- What's that?
- It's a bit big.
But with a blouse with a frilly cuff,
it'd look nice.
You're trying to get me sacked.
Do you know how much I spent on that?
You won it on that arcade arm thing.
In, please, girls. Come on.
It's not the real present.
It's a pre-big-present.
Why am I getting a real present at all?
He's still a tosser!
I reserve my right to that opinion.
But he is your dad,
even though he is a twat.
And I could have been a little bit more tactical.
You know, blah di blah.
6.30? Palm Gardens? Unless Friday is
Monopoly night in the Speight household,
in which case I advise you
to buy the stations early on.
You'll have to excuse me, 'cause I've got
to get interviewed by local television.
In!
Having won the County Championships
at a young age,
you've been banned for 15 years,
Cliff Starkey. What was your crime?
Just relax.
Yeah, yeah.
Just fuck off!
With bowls in danger of being cancelled
from television,
with young people like you being banned,
do you think this sport could die out?
Yeah.
What age are the UK's bowls committee?
Stone age.
They're, like, Neolithic.
That's why they hate me.
I'm the sort of bloke
that goes on 18-30 holidays.
When they go on holiday,
that's the sort of time they go to bed.
I can't believe you got tickets
for The Delays.
We're going in the VIP area.
I know a bloke who works there.
Come on, through here.
On the list.
Cliff Starkey, "Bad Boy of Bowls".
This is my girlfriend, Cindy. She does
underwear modelling for Freemans.
Starkey, you scumbag.
I can't believe you're still trying this.
- Leave it.
- I'm gonna give you such a kicking.
- Please, Cliff, no!
- I'm sorry. Leave it out, please.
All right, Cliff, mate? How you doing?
All right?
- There you go. All right?
- Take it easy.
- Enjoy the gig.
- What do you want to drink?
So that's how you normally get in,
I take it?
No, I just did that to impress you.
- It's broken, by the way.
- What?
The watch. I put it on and it started
playing the theme to "Beverly Hills Cops".
Then it leaked something brown
onto my wrist.
I'll mend it. I'll get it fixed for you.
Still, gig was good.
The gig was good.
I didn't think you'd come.
I thought you'd presume I was a prat,
rather than waiting to find out that I am.
Thanks, it's been a great night.
No, no, don't go.
Now is the time of night I like to...
hot things up a little bit.
- Do what?
- Hot things up a little bit.
Don't be frightened of it.
Just... Go on... Hold it.
Now, you see, that there is the bias.
Yeah?
Which means you're going
to have to aim it slightly to the left.
Ever so slightly. There's a bias
in each one of these little ladies.
And it's going to pull it one way,
no matter what.
Cliff...
Yeah?
I fucking hate bowls!
Wahey! I got the three "P"s.
Pizza, Pilsener and Porn!
"Shops Of The West Country".
That documentary you were after.
See ya.
- You!
- I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry.
- You made me look a right prat there.
- Sorry. Sorry.
Shut up. Just piss off.
What's the matter with you?
"Porn Shops Of The West Country".
I think we got away with it.
- I'm sorry. Look, I've said I'm sorry.
- Sorry, bollocks!
You made me out to be
the kind of bloke who watches porn.
You are. Not only that, you go out
with the kind of girls who appear in it.
- Kerry's not like that.
- I'm stepping out with a duchess, I am!
- Shut your mouth.
- Cliff Starkey!
- Christ, it's Batman.
- It's that bloke from "The Matrix", innit?
I don't fucking believe it. In the flesh?
I mean, I...
Do you know what you are? You're this.
- Late?
- Gold.
- You what, mate?
- You know, I heard they cancelled bowls.
Made me so fucking mad!
I'm Rick Schwartz.
There's someone I'd like you to meet.
Quick, what's its name? The white ball.
The jimmy?
The jack.
These television guys
are so far off the jack, you know?
The bowls on TV in this country
are a disaster, right?
- Yeah.
- Thanks to BBC coverage,
bowls is the only Olympic sport you can
win gold while still smoking a pipe.
That's right. You play, do you?
I've rolled a few woods in my time,
but you, Cliff, I gotta say to you, man,
I really love what you do with the game.
- That's why I brought Dennis here.
- Who?
Dennis, as Head of BBC Sports, you gotta know
that athletes are like popcorn.
Some pop and some don't.
Believe me, this kid's a popper.
People might not watch bowls on TV.
But trust me, they'll watch Cliff.
His first exhibition match -
prime time special. Think about it, Dennis.
Might deflect all the flak
you've been getting for cancelling bowls.
- I'm not sure that...
- The train's gonna leave the station.
- Are you on it, or just dicking around?
- That's not entirely fair, Rick.
What makes the difference
between a game and a sport?
Passion!
Yeah! Passion's what makes the difference.
Passionate is what the cable TV people
were when I pitched to them last night.
I gotta run.
- What's going on?
- Keep walking, guys. Move, move, move.
Hey, hey! Who the hell are you?
STA. Sports Talent Associated.
The biggest in the world.
First premiership player
to get six figures a week. Me.
First non-US boxer to be guaranteed
50% of the take just for showing up. Me.
- He's banned.
- Screw the ban. Screw the ban, pal.
What I can do is make Cliff Starkey
the Bad Boy of British Bowls.
I can make him the hottest, richest,
sexiest phenomenon in living memory.
Listen. It's ten paces
from here back to my limo.
Before I get to five,
that man's going to be making us an offer.
He's scared he's about to lose out.
Do me a favour. Can you walk with me?
Here we go. One, two, three...
Rick!
Rick! Could I have a moment?
Thank you.
Dennis, what can I do for you?
It's Blackball Bowls and it's live!
Featuring the Bad Boy, Cliff Starkey,
as he takes on the Scottish legend,
Brian "Iron Wrist" Cronk!
You fucker! I'll have your arse!
I'll have your arse!
I asked you for another prodigy like Cliff.
That's him.
National champion at the age of 45.
Too much too young.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Bad Boy of Bowls is in the house!
Let's hear it for Cliff Starkey!
You hear that? That's for you.
You're the one they pay to see.
The baddest human ever to roll a jack.
You're hostile, mobile, volatile!
- Now, burn it down, baby!
- I will!
Bad Boy! Bad Boy!
Gonna break out of this city
Leave the people here behind
Let's bowl this mother!
Searching for adventure
Is the type of life to find
Tired of doing day jobs
With no thanks for what I do
Come on!
... there must be someone
Now I'm gonna find out who
Do anything you wanna do
Do anything you wanna do
Isn't that the young man
who did the decorating in this place?
Don't need no politicians
Tell me things I shouldn't be...
It's great, isn't it? What a buzz!
Brilliant!
All right, Trev. Easy, mate.
A joke's a joke. Slow down.
Put your foot down, Trevor.
But they tell you what you should do
They don't like to see you grow
Do anything you wanna do
Do anything you wanna do
And you're looking at, as of this morning,
the first bowls player in history
to be asked to present an MTV award.
In your capacity as a bowls player or a prick?
Both. That's why they want me.
They reckon I'm the Maradona of bowls.
Undercoat.
After I beat Cronk,
one bloke reckons I'm Georgie Best.
Brian Cronk's a 60-year-old alcoholic.
He couldn't hit a cow's arse with a banjo.
And if your agent knows so much about sport,
just ask him what happened
to Maradona in the end.
And Hurricane Higgins. All them guys.
Undercoat.
Forget the bloody undercoat.
Nobody watched the snooker
before the Hurricane.
That's what happened, doughnut!
It's the Savoy, Kerry! The hotel.
The girl who runs these awards,
she's only putting me up in the bloody Savoy!
- I wish Grandad could see this.
- Go on.
I'm walking down this long corridor.
This looks like my door.
- Oh, my God! Jesus Christ!
- What is it?
There's loads of fruit,
posh pictures all over the wall.
One of those ceilings
you get in stately homes.
It ain't got a bloody bed though.
- Does that pull out?
- No, you've got a separate bedroom.
I got a separate bedroom!
Kerry, the bed!
- The bed is just...
- Wasted?
Yeah.
Oh, look at the view!
Oh, wow!
Tell me.
It's just magical.
You got to be here.
How final is the ban on Cliff Starkey?
Why do you ask, Chairman Collins?
As you know, we at Central Committee
have lost two million in revenue
by being dropped from television.
This afternoon, we were offered 2.3 million
from Targitex Sportswear
to sponsor the Australian test.
Oh, well...
If Cliff Starkey is playing.
Oh.
Settle down,
because now we have for you,
to present the award for best newcomer,
a young guy who this year became
the most banned player in British sport.
Please welcome the Bad Boy of Bowls,
Cliff Starkey!
Nobody says that, right?
Nobody says that about bowls!
You say that again, I'll bloody kill ya!
Bowls is the new rock and roll!
Starkey, Bad Boy!
- What happened? Are you OK?
- No, Kerry, it was a stunt.
What do you mean?
That bloke I was fighting with, Mike.
He doubles for Pierce Brosnan.
He's a bit pissed at the moment.
It was Rick's idea.
For heaven's sake!
Kerry, I met bands. I just spoke
to a bloke who's on my T-shirt.
That hasn't happened since I saw Sooty!
- Where are you?
- And I got an advert.
Someone wants me to advertise something.
And I said, "I demand a girl
comes with me, a particular girl.
"I demand this,
because... because, like...
"because when I'm not with her,
it feels like someone turned the sun off."
And when I look at her,
it feels like my lift's crashing.
Anyway, she couldn't make it.
So I said, "I know this tart in Torquay
who I once shagged."
- Sod off!
- Mickey's up on the lion!
Kerry!
- Who was that?
- I'll fill in a form if you like.
You're right.
There comes a point when a man must
acknowledge his girl's grown up.
That there are things she should be doing
I might have been holding her back from.
"The Royal Torquay Bowls Club
Annual Dinner."
Look inside. Go on.
Note the surprise element. Guest speech:
"My Love Of Bowls" by Ray Speight.
Yes.
Tell me, Dad, do you ever wonder whether
you love bowls so much because Mum left?
Or whether Mum left
because you love bowls so much?
In terms of Cliff's profile, there's a volcanic coup
I'm processing right now.
Gotta keep it under wraps. Can't share it.
But what I can tell you is this.
There's a move to tie Cliff in with
a brand-new government programme
that's gonna help kids from the wrong
side of the tracks stay off drugs.
Perfect. Britain's drug estates are one
of our chief concerns as a company.
- That's where we sell 80% of our trainers.
- Exactly.
Action!
And cut.
Cliff, you open it after you've turned.
That's when the tingle of taste
will leap out of the can
and bowl you over.
- Something's gonna jump out at me?
- No, it's a computer effect.
- I don't feel comfortable.
- That's what the blue screen's for.
Actually, we could get him a light.
Mike, could we get a green light for him?
So, you'll open the can
on the green light. OK?
OK, mark it.
Bad Boy, Diet Coke, 3, take 13.
And cut. Tell you what.
Let's forget the light, let's get a bell.
Dave, can we get him a bell, please?
So, this time you open it on the ding.
- All right?
- OK.
Right. Ding.
Action.
And cut.
- Good, but it still won't work...
- That's the one.
- That's a wrap!
- The Bad Boy himself.
Mr Cliff Starkey, everyone.
- Have you had classes?
- Never.
Come on!
Relaxed? Like you were sitting
in your living room.
Come on!
Come on!
- Come on.
- Wow.
A girl in his trailer?
Rule one. Nobody sees Cliff
without going through me first. Right?
Where's the blimp?
Like I needed to ask!
So I can have lemon sponge AND gateau?
Hey! My man, Slim!
You sit on your fat ass all day,
eating six fucking desserts!
He's got a groupie in his trailer.
It's not a groupie, it's his girlfriend.
- Girlfriend?
- Kerry Speight.
- Kerry who?
- Speight.
- News International. Can I help you?
- Can you get me the picture editor?
- Is it important?
- This falls in the category of important.
OK, please hold.
You got the latest offers there?
Apparently, the BBC bid 3.9.
Yeah, keep on reading, guys.
And three hours ago,
UK Sportsnet offered 4.1.
As soon as you can guarantee
Starkey plays for England,
you're gonna have Australian TVbegging.
- Bloody Speight and his blasted ban.
- The sell-through rights are huge.
Targitex's just raised to 2.9
for the sponsorship deal.
Every time this kid receives press coverage,
sponsorship goes north.
And believe me,
the press coverage he's received so far
is nothing compared
to what I can confidently predict
they are going to run with
tomorrow morning.
Come on, that's the way!
Nice! That's the way.
Get it over. Get it over!
Don't hang about!
Slip it in! Good lad. Nice and easy.
Move in and...
I'm not sure I can do this
with Trevor outside.
That's it. Come on!
Now! Get it in the box!
- I can't. I can't do it.
- Oh, for God's sake!
- Oh, you!
- Trev, do us a favour, mate. Bugger off.
- No.
- What?
I'd rather be watching Man City
than listening to you two shagging.
I've gotta sit here being a bodyguard.
I'm bloody under orders.
Don't get arsey with Rick, mate.
If it's any easier, stop calling me
"mate" and use "employee".
Go on. Good night, Trevor. Piss off.
If you're not going to be grateful
for everything...
- Grateful? Grateful?
- It's a bloody free holiday, mate.
Well, thank you for letting me sit
on my arse while you have a shag.
For letting them tell me I can't eat
my dinner till you've had yours.
Thanks for letting them call me
a fat fucking butterball.
All in all, thanks for everything.
But funny thing is, next time I fancy a holiday,
I'll go to fucking Thomas Cook!
You've got no bloody idea
the pressure I'm under.
Today I got to open a can of pop
to the sound of a bell, with a light in my...
- You great twat!
- You are sacked!
- You can't sack me, I've quit.
- You can't quit. I've just sacked you.
Shit boy!
Fucking doughnut face!
I'll pull that fucking perm off...
What is it about bowls
that encourages friendship?
- Tosser!
- Prick!
Arsehole!
My speech was going to concern
the history of our noble game.
But in light of recent events...
Have you seen?
He's all over the papers again.
...the future of the game demands attention.
We're going to go down in history
as the men who killed bowls.
...of like-minded people
with like-minded ideals.
Restraint and self-control
are the jewels in our crown.
- Any notion of commercialism...
- Five million quid down the Swanee.
We've got to get this ban overturned.
Giles! Can't we get some dirt on Ray?
Dirt? Ray "Spotless" Speight
edited the bloody national rule book.
This we must remember now,
particularly when our sport is under attack.
Look, here we are again.
The indiscipline and bad language
of this...
Fucking wanker!
Gotcha!
And in a dramatic new twist,
Bad Boy of Bowls Cliff Starkey
has been reinstated
as Southern Peninsula Champion.
His 15-year ban has been converted
to a two-week suspension.
What are you waiting for?
Warm up, once round the pitch.
- What?
- Nice one, miss!
Yeah, nice one, miss!
Ray Speight is a valued servant
of the game of bowls.
But we felt that his actions
may lately have been clouded
by a degree of personal animosity.
We all wish Ray well
in having a little respite
from editing the rule book.
And welcome, Cliff Starkey,
to the England team.
Jesus!
Look who's in the neighbourhood!
That's right.
- Have you seen the photos?
- I mean, what a place!
Has Rick got me the best flat in Torquay
or what?
Unbelievable! Two weeks ago,
I was decorating this place.
I love this kitchen.
- Champagne? That'll be Rick.
- My school has suspended me.
That's great.
You should have left years ago.
Teaching snobby-arsed girls.
They're only going to work for Daddy anyway.
Some bubbly.
- Have you seen the photos?
- It's just the press.
It's part of being a celebrity.
You've got to deal with it.
Well, thanks.
Thanks for your concern.
What is the matter with you and Trevor?
Why can't you just be happy for me?
You are so selfish!
- I'm playing for England.
- Thanks to who?
To my dad, who embarrassed himself...
I am so sorry I didn't send flowers.
He was the bloke that banned me,
wasn't he? Yeah.
If he hadn't, you wouldn't be a celebrity.
Do you think if you hadn't been banned,
anybody would give a toss
who Cliff Starkey was?
OK, off you go, back in line.
Daddy's little princess.
Land of hope...
- Oh, no.
- Yeah. Yeah!
Well, sod off, then.
I will.
I'm going to give you five paces to come back,
give me a kiss and say sorry.
One, two...
Bugger off, then.
I'll have a champagne bath on my own.
Oh, my God!
Dad?
Dad?
He's got concussion.
He's torn ligaments in his knees.
- He'll be on crutches for quite a while.
- He's come round? What did he say?
It was that astronomer's flat.
He got a call saying some American
wanted it a week early.
- Right.
- And of course,
he had no one to hold the ladder.
No.
All right. That's it, we're done.
You guys get to see one more trick.
What do you want?
- Show us the Rizla trick!
- Go ahead, kill it, baby.
Give those Aussies something to read
about tomorrow, and let's go home.
You OK?
Yeah, yeah. Just, you know...
Had a bit of a thing with Kerry.
It's all right.
Kerry.
Hi. Have a seat.
It's actually two types of grapes.
90% Cabernet, 10% Merlot.
It's fantastic. It's from
the oldest vineyard in the world.
- Lebanon. Bekaa Valley.
- Where's Cliff?
- Bekaa Valley produces...
- Rick!
Yeah, I...
Kerry, I've been putting this off.
- Putting what off?
- Kerry, there's a...
You phone me and tell me
Cliff wants to apologise.
I turn up here.
You're here, there's only two glasses.
Oh, my God.
Right, I get it. I get it.
I've been kind of stupid, haven't I?
Look, Kerry, the problem with stars...
- Rick, I...
- Listen. This is important.
The problem with stars is that about now,
about when they're this far up,
they start to look down.
And the things
that they were very, very close to
suddenly seem to be very far away.
- And very small.
- And then they get agents.
Agents like you, to do their
fucking shitty business for them.
A little more, please.
He don't live here any more.
Try Millionaires' Row.
My dad's changed the locks.
- Come in.
- Thanks.
No, buddy, you're not understanding
the media coup I've been cooking up.
So, let me tell you once again
what the English Ashes team
is going to look like.
The new England captain, Cliff Starkey.
Ken Star, "News Of The World".
All right, Cliff?
Did you sleep with Speight's daughter
just to wind him up?
Just 'cause you haven't had a shag
for 20 years, don't take it out on me.
You have a question about the training?
Thank you. Dave Gort, the "Sun".
Cliff, how's the training?
I've never been a great believer
in training, as such.
I think that's absolutely a fair point
to say.
Cliff Starkey is not bigger than the sport.
He is the fucking sport! Understand?
Can you give the Aussies a whopping?
The didgeri-Doohan brothers? Kylie and Jason?
I'll stick 'em on the barbie!
Trevor Batty, "Asian Babes".
Cliff, can I ask,
is your Bad Boy image for real?
Or are you the kind of twat
who'd get his agent
to dump his girlfriend for him?
What?
Could we have a question from Derek
of "Bowls and Bowlers"?
Derek, where are you?
- Whoa, tiger!
- What did you tell her?
Shwarzenegger's back in the neighbourhood!
What did you say to Kerry?
See, I figured, "Who is the England team?"
Who do people, in their fucking guts,
want to see play the Australians?
- Get the fuck out of here.
- Think about it.
I know you want to know. Who is
the one man I would team you with?
Cliff, I know I can be a bit of a bad boy too,
but that's what makes me a genius
at what I do.
Me and you are the same.
You're fired. You are fired.
- OK.
- OK. So...
Yeah.
During the six paces
between here and that door,
I want you to think about one thing.
Time is very pressing here, boy wonder.
Listen to me, kid.
We have a very, very short season
to gather our nuts.
I could do without your bitch-ass whining
when we should be out nut gathering.
I'm going to go now.
One, two, three, four, five, six.
That was a bad move!
In the "History Of Stupid Things",
on that book, you'd be on the fucking cover!
You lost your focus. She was a fucking
distraction. How blind? How stupid?
OK. I forgive you.
Let's put it behind us.
Come on.
I'll hug the hurt out of you. Come on!
Come on!
Come on!
Right.
Well, there's just... finally
just one itsy-bitsy little thing
that you should probably remember.
It's... bowls. Huh?
No, no, no!
Is Kerry in, please? Mr Speight?
Bloody hell, Ray! What kind of ban
did you give them lot?
You can't talk to people like me.
Even though my house is just as big as yours.
And my house
is on Millionaires' Row, mate.
All because I come from the Links Estate.
What is your bloody problem?
I came from the Links Estate.
- What?
- Don't you hide behind that.
I came from the Links Estate
and I'm not scum.
Do you know what made me better?
What got me out of that shithole?
My game. That I loved.
That you have...
...shagged. And will probably discard.
As you probably have my daughter.
They were taking on extra staff
for the final against the Aussies.
Funny, isn't it? I mean, bowls!
Kerry, I didn't know what was going on.
I didn't know what was happening.
- Whatever Rick said didn't come from me.
- I'm going to rent a flat.
I didn't know what was happening.
I had no idea.
- I'm absolutely fine.
- I fired him. I fired him.
Cliff Starkey, the Bad Boy of Bowls,
will face the world champions,
Kyle and Mark Doohan,
teamed up with the man he insulted,
Ray Speight.
I didn't know that was happening, either!
You don't seriously think I had anything
to do with setting that up, do you?
I'm not afraid of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me
that I haven't already heard
I'm just trying to find a decent melody
A song that I can sing in my own company
You and me, man.
I never thought you were a fool
"I will concede the entire match
"if my bowl does not end up
on this Rizla paper. "
You gotta stand up straight
Carry your own weight
You little bastard!
You asked for this. You had it coming!
Drown, you buggers!
Who's laughing now, then?
- Have you seen this girl?
- No, sorry, mate.
Who looks stupid now?
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
- What the hell are we going to do?
- Do we have a plan B?
What do you mean, plan B? There can't be
a plan B. It's Ray or no Ray.
Bloody hell! We twist every rule
in the book to get him out.
Now we're ruined if we can't get him back.
What if we tell him we got it wrong?
Ray, we checked the rule book,
and you can say the word "wanker".
Hurts losing a child, don't it, Mr Speight?
Whatever way it happens.
You don't realise you can hurt that much.
All right, don't talk to me, Ray.
What do I know, anyway?
Only a bloody decorator.
I'm a fan, though. Big fan.
Big admirer.
I can't do much in life,
but I can put wallpaper up straight.
And recognise talent.
It's funny the way it happens,
isn't it, Ray? In life?
Even though for 30 years
you've ignored me in corridors,
and you stand for everything
that depresses me about this country,
I still love watching you play.
Loved watching you beat John Cullen
with that little in-swinger, 1979.
1983, against Andrew Park,
winning from four ends down.
Thing I do know, Ray,
is that you are a world-class player,
who was never brave enough
to play for his country.
Do you think
if you hadn't been banned,
anybody would give a toss
who Cliff Starkey was?
Cliff Starkey, the Bad Boy of Bowls,
will face the world champions,
Kyle and Mark Doohan,
teamed up with the man he insulted,
Ray Speight.
It's bowls, the sport that time forgot.
Reborn tonight on a rink of fire,
on a crimson green, in the purpose-built
Targitex Bowladrome, Torquay.
At its helm, perhaps the highest-octane
sportsman this country has ever seen.
Son, what have you done?
You're caught by the river
You're coming undone
You've got a limousine, Mr Starkey.
Please pick up the phone.
But you can't just leave it
'Cause you're not in control no more
And you give it all away
Would you give it all away, yeah?
Don't let it come apart
Don't want to see it come apart
He got in the limo. Let's go!
While you're giving it...
- I didn't think you'd play.
- I'm an Englishman.
Tosser!
You and I
We're so full of love and hope...
Oh, yes!
Mr Daly, my name's Giles Booth.
Allow me to introduce my committee.
Nice job, people.
First it was cricket, then rugby,
then even football.
Now Australia hold sway
over the world of bowls.
The Doohan brothers, unbeaten,
remember, in seven years,
face an Ashes team at war with itself.
Cliff Starkey, Ray Speight.
Yesterday we called them enemies.
Tonight we call them England.
Come on, guys. Proud to be English?
Yeah, yeah!
Don't want to see you come apart
Then you give it all away
But you give it all away
Don't let it come apart
Don't want to see it come apart
- This isn't bowls.
- Well, it is now.
Step forward, gentlemen.
Little tighter, just for the camera, please.
- Beautiful country, Australia.
- Eat shit!
Referee, protocol! Those players are...
Your referee, Julian Maycock.
England, Starkey.
England, first mat.
Here we go.
I'm Dave Zilato,
and with me is the man with the stats.
Angus Loughran.
Thanks, Dave.
This is the first prime time bowls match
since England versus Canada in 1962.
Which was, incidentally, the only
prime time televised bowls match.
Fascinating. Angus will be keeping us up
with lots of stats throughout the game.
So here we go, folks. It's the Ashes.
But will it be ashes to ashes?
Or will tonight a phoenix rise?
We are about to find out.
- What is that, Angus?
- Must be nerves, Dave.
Is the Bad Boy trying to psyche out the
Australians with some naughty mind games?
10 degrees at the 15-yard mark.
Oh, it's going to be well wide.
- Wide and long.
- That's a gutterball, Dave.
10 degrees at the 10.
Good line, good weight.
15 degrees at the 20.
Bowlometer's happy, Dave.
That's a sweet, sweet opener
from Mark Doohan. He's pleased with that.
Look at that, right in the red zone.
Let's see what the old master
can come up with.
Aim... Assess...
Dropped it short, well short.
28% low on power
and short of the score zone.
Kyle Doohan.
And he's away.
Australia lead, 11-0.
What's going on, Dave?
We've all heard of Bad Boy Starkey,
but this is Bad Bowls Starkey.
He's technically very ragged.
You see, this is what happens.
This is exactly what happens.
Wait a minute.
Where's the guy that wipes your ass?
Oh, that's right.
You fired him and he's in London.
Tosser! Tosser!
This is a terrible shame, Dave.
The sport does not need this, Angus.
Just play your normal game, yeah?
I'm stood on a red green, using blue woods,
with 2,000 people shouting "Tosser".
Please, remind me what my normal game is.
England debating tactics down there.
5 at the 15, 7 at the 30.
- Bias kicking in. 5 at the 40.
- That's better.
That is not a bad lie from Ray Speight.
England, holding one.
My word, that put paid to that.
Sorry, mate.
Dave, 13-0 is a real test,
psychologically.
No team in the history of lawn bowls
has come back from 13 down.
England have to get something from
this next hand, haven't they, Angus?
OK, nerves of steel required.
Auditorium silent.
They know the situation England are in.
- And here we go.
- 8 at the 15.
- He's trying to draw to the jack.
- Weight's crucial here.
- Feels overtipped.
- It's well overtipped! Not good.
He can't handle it! Gets to the big dance,
no one to hold his hand.
He's lost. You don't get it.
I fuckin' hate bowls.
Hold on. That's it, isn't it? You've lost it.
Dave, look at this.
This was always on the cards
if they're put under pressure,
if the old conflicts start coming out.
That's the highest half time lead
since Australia against Japan in 1989.
And they didn't have a half time then,
it was just halfway through the game.
Hey, Cliff! Don't worry, mate.
You can turn this round.
I get big match nerves myself some...
That's interesting. Maybe he's only good
when he's playing people who are crap!
Jon, so many expectations, so many hopes
pinned on his shoulders.
Has it all got a bit too much
for Starkey? What's the mood?
I wish I could tell you, Dave.
I've been in the England dressing room,
and Cliff Starkey has disappeared.
This isn't a stunt, though
it might be a stunt they're unaware of.
But whatever, no one in Torquay
knows where Cliff Starkey is.
So, are you going back in?
You're just going to let my dad play
all on his own out there?
- Rubik's Cube or a Toblerone?
- I don't believe this!
Have you any idea
what it's taken my dad to...
How dare you walk away from me?!
Have you any idea what it's taken my dad
to get out there tonight?
Tonight my dad has done
an incredibly brave thing,
the first brave thing
in a life of abject weakness.
He's gone out there and he's nailed his
colours to the mast and steeled himself.
Where the hell are you going?
You've both given up everything you had
in your lives for your sport.
What exactly do you have left to lose?
This has gone past bizarre.
I have to tell viewers
returning for the second half -
Australia are two minutes and ten seconds
away from winning the Ashes by default,
due to a no-show by both English players.
Nothing is worth this.
Nothing is worth taking your life for.
You bloody twat!
Hold onto that, I'll be back in a minute.
We didn't run. That's what matters.
You don't mean that, do you, Ray?
No. Cream the bastards!
Starkey to bowl.
Rizla trick!
Rizla trick!
Rizla trick?
Rizla trick! Rizla trick!
Here we go. First time we've seen this.
Starkey starting to play up
to the audience.
- Excuse me, my love.
- Talking to the audience, in fact!
- Now what's he up to?
- Oh, thank you, madam!
Plenty of room in there!
He's certainly putting a smile
on the audience's face there.
He's not seriously going to...
He is!
Oh, Mama!
Yeah!
After an abject first half,
the uproar tells you everything.
It's Starkey's legendary Rizla trick.
At last the English crowd
have got something to cheer about.
Wind me up, put me down
Start me off and watch me go
I'll be running circles around you
sooner than you know
A little off centre and I'm out of tune
Just kicking this can along the avenue
But I'm all right
You're joking? You can't just turn up
and hope to get in. This is bowls.
- Come on.
- What?
You're going down, boy.
You jerk it out
You jerk it out
Come on. Bollocks!
Give us the phone.
The Four Corners of the Empire trick.
Get down.
Ray's favourite, this one.
Come on!
OK, in you go. Don't worry.
Oh, you are a treasure. Thanks, pet.
Mark Doohan, crucial bowl for Australia.
What?
I dunno.
You started this fucking mumbling shit!
First sign of tension in the Australian camp.
Matilda not waltzing at the moment!
15 degrees at the 10,
it's not a good line.
- Too much weight.
- 5 degrees at the 40.
- It's overtipped!
- Going long and wide.
The Deadly Doohans
become the Dreadful Doohans, Angus.
- Nice.
- Eat shit.
England, holding one.
As the end stands, we're tied at 17-all.
Speight has potentially the winning wood.
Tricky end here, though, Dave.
Needs perfect weight.
- Tosser!
- He's bottomed it!
- Doohan said something.
- Big deal.
Time. This is the last wood.
And the jack's been struck.
Jack in the gutter is live,
which will make Mark Doohan's last bowl
the winning wood.
The Doohan bowl's still in motion, Dave.
- Protocol!
- Starkey knows it.
The bloody prannet!
- He's up to something!
- If there's any movement on that ball,
the game is still live.
Tosser, tosser!
The ball's in motion. It's not over.
If that ball drops,
it's out of play and will not score.
That's bowls, mate.
Out of play. That's a draw. 17-all.
Calm down, gentlemen.
A tie is enough. Have we tied?
No, Ray. Tragically, this is television.
Thunderbowl!
It's the Thunderbowl,
the ultimate test of bowling nerve.
One jack, one wood, closest wins.
It's bowls for the brave.
Well, Dave. England? Penalty shoot-outs?
You've got to try and believe, Angus.
Kyle Doohan for Australia.
10 degrees at the 10.
Speed, 15.7. This is good.
Computer likes it.
Red zone, 2 degrees. Great line.
Oh, this is good. Oh, yes!
- Would you look at that?
- Yes!
I cannot believe it.
Dear, oh, dear.
What must they be thinking?
Starkey, top on.
Starkey just being asked to put a top on.
17 million viewers and he's
not even wearing our bloody logo!
- Cliff!
- Someone in the crowd's obliged.
That's better.
Oh, my God!
Go on.
Six weeks ago,
this boy was a Torquay decorator.
The eyes of the nation now rest on him.
What are his options, Angus?
- In-swinger.
- What, love?
He has to fire it to split them.
He has to fire it.
He can't fire it. In-swinger.
Firing it won't work.
You need a cool in-swinger.
Trust the bias. Let the wood do the work.
- What's happening here?
- 35 at the 10. It's going off the rink.
What has Starkey done?
He's gone for a huge in-swinger.
Surely he should have
blasted that kiss apart.
Hold on. Computer says 45 at the 30.
And tightening!
Good man.
- This is unbelievable.
- How much spin has he put on this?!
Angus, it's on line, it is on line!
And it's going to get there, Dave!
It's there! It's on it!
Whoa, whoa! Ssh!
Now, a little "come on".
Not a big one, just a gentle "come on".
Come on.
Game, England!
Oh, there we go!
Shane Warne, Kylie Minogue, Ramsay Street!
Crocodile Dundee!
Your boys took one hell of a beating!
I made him.
I made that.
Fucking Brits!
So, remind me,
what are the three "A"s again, Kerry?
Well, Trevor,
Achieve, Approach and Apologise.
Why don't you two try the three "F"s?
Forgive, Forget and go...
Find Mutley?
Yeah.
I would just like to apologise
for everything.
And particularly my general descent
into being a tosser.
I haven't got an agent any more, and I...
I quite fancy a job holding your ladder,
if it's still available.
Bet you thought I wasn't man enough
to apologise face-to-face.
Cup of tea?
Yeah, go on.
I've had a great idea.
I'm going to open a bowls school.
You've done it all
You've broken every code
And pulled the rebel to the floor
You spoilt the game
No matter what you say
For only metal
What a bore!
Come up and see me
Make me smile
Or do what you want
Running wild
There's nothing left
All gone and run away
Maybe you'll tarry for a while
It's just a test
A game for us to play
Win or lose, it's hard to smile
It's from yourself you have to hide
Ooh, come up and see me
To make me smile
Or do what you want
Running wild
Come on!
There ain't no more
You've taken everything
My belief in Mother Earth
Can you ignore my faith in everything?
'Cause I know what faith is
and what it's worth
Away, away
And don't say maybe you'll try
To come up to see me
To make me smile
I'll do what you want, just running wild
Come up and see me
Make me smile
I'll do what you want
Running wild
Wouldn't it be nice
to get on with me neighbours?
They make it very clear
they've got no room for ravers
They stop me from groovin',
they bang on me wall
It's doin' me crust in,
it's no good at all
Lazy Sunday afternoon
I've got no mind to worry
Close my eyes and drift away
Here we all are, sittin' in a rainbow
There's no one to hear me,
there's nothing to say
And no one can stop me
from feelin' this way
Lazy Sunday afternoon
I've got no mind to worry
I close my eyes and drift away
Root-de-doo-de-doo
Root-de-doot-de-di-day
Root-de-doo-de-dum
Root-de-doo-de-doo-dee
I'll sing you a song
with no words and no tune
I'll see if you call me
while you suss out the moon
Lazy Sunday afternoon
I've got no mind to worry
I close my eyes and drift away
Close my eyes and drift away
I'll sing you a song
with no words and no tune
I'll see if you call me
while you suss out the moon
Lazy Sunday afternoon
I've got no mind to worry
I close my eyes and drift away
Close my eyes and drift away
I close my eyes and drift away
We're trying to play football here, mate.
My lord, the green is ready!
The prince of bowls... is on the green.
Good morning, Mr Speight.
- Good morning, Mr Speight.
- Morning, Ray.
May I?
You're rushing the release.
In bowls, the key is composure.
Yeah!
Just for Daddy!
Oh, my lord!
On the condom?
It is on the condom!
Come on!
The jack. Your wood, my wood.
If mine finishes closer to the jack
than yours, I score one shot.
Simplicity itself.
And bowls, Bridget, is all about simplicity.
The three "A"s.
Approach... Assess... Aim.
The three "B"s. Bend... Balance...
Breathe.
Finally, the three "T"s.
- Target... Tempo...
- Tosser!
- Who said that?
- Saluting a fellow sportsman.
Brothers... of the black ball.
I mean, my God!
My God, the embarrassment!
- We'll never hear the last of it.
- That's a great shot, that's a beauty!
- People know we're related.
- I know.
- I wish you'd stop going in that club.
- No, for me it's embarrassing!
That's the owner.
You did finish that bedroom?
- Before you went bowling?
- Yeah.
Is this where we ripped it and you said,
"Let's play fuckin' bowls"?
Watch and learn, mate.
Trick of the trade, right?
If you tear the paper, you cut out bits
of the pattern and stick it on the join.
See?
Do you not think there's other things
she'll worry about?
It's all evenly spaced up here.
Down here it's the fuckin' Milky Way.
- And in the bedroom...
- We're coming along nicely.
All right, my love?
Done something
a bit special for you over here.
I took the liberty
of doing a bit of research,
and I discovered the position
of the stars on the night you were born.
What we've got here is the constellation
of Ormelius, the Long Straight Snake.
The Chinese believe this will have
governed your career as a?
Professor of Astronomy
at Exeter University.
Bollocks.
I don't understand why somebody who can
place a wood perfectly, 30 yards away,
can't even hang wallpaper.
It's a different skill. Wallpapering
requires a different set of skills.
What are you doing? I do the heavy stuff.
Grandad, he looks after the wallpapering,
and I look after Grandad. Deal?
Deal.
You're a little terror.
OK, the first thing
is your emergency stop, Bridget.
When I tap the dashboard,
I want you to stop as though
a child had run out into the road.
There he is. The ball's bounced out,
now out he runs.
One, two, three... stop.
Good.
Right, emergency stop.
When I hit the dashboard, I want you
to react as though a child had...
That's not fair.
That's what a young mother with a pram
would now be saying.
Back to the test centre.
- You know why he failed you?
- Emergency stop.
Wrong side of the tracks, mate.
Ray Speight does not pass people
from the Links Estate. Simple as that.
I can always resit it.
And we should rise above
that kind of behaviour.
For example, we should not take the piss
out of them posh schoolgirls.
I absolutely agree.
I can't resist it.
Afternoon, ladies. Cliff Starkey,
Torquay's first sexual theme park.
And this here
is the Barry White of St Helens.
The slug of love!
Keep off the road, Charlotte.
Tonight, on Sporstweb, Channel 15,
the Wizards of Oz, Kyle and Mark Doohan.
Great Bowls of Fire!
The bowling brothers
laid waste to South Africa,
New Zealand and Canada
in the Kyalami Lawn Classic.
Tonight, will America fall?
From Saratoga,
it's Australia versus America.
Hollywood bowls!
Eight p.m. Pacific standard time...
Now, football's a team game. Yeah? Great.
But with bowls, you're on your own.
It's just your hand, your eye,
two and a half pounds of pure wood.
The reason it's so simple
is the reason it's so magical.
Have you seen this?
"The world of bowls cannot provide
any competition for the Doohan brothers."
I envy you. I do, because... you don't
know what it feels like, that first time.
"Annihilators of every bowling nation
under the sun."
The first time you see your wood
20 metres away.
And suddenly, she starts to swing in.
And you know it was you
that made that happen.
It's the most perfect feeling in the world.
It's the most unbeliev...
...feeling.
"Laying waste to all
the world's greatest players."
Except one, mate.
- Mr Cocky back out of the box?
- You pretend not to know how good I am.
So how come you only ever play me,
who's so... What's the word? Crap?
Out of principle, I refuse to go
into the Royal Torquay Bowls Club.
Plus the fact the bloody Doohans
live in Australia.
Except for this summer,
when they're coming to England.
...lasted the afternoon!
- Afternoon, Giles.
- Afternoon, Derek.
Afternoon, Hugh.
Afternoon, Mutley. Welcome to Torquay
Oxfam. Any trousers to donate?
Ones with arses the size of parachutes
that smell of mints and wee.
Put them back on the bloody pegs.
- Right, then...
- Davis...
- How do I get picked for England?
- What?
- So I can have a go at the Aussies.
- By being champion of your county.
Right. Off we go, then.
You sexy mother!
Couple of minutes.
My God!
You're playing Alan Booth. He's ranked 16
in Devon, but he's on his way up.
He's young, he's hungry
and he's dangerous.
All right?
When this is over, I want to run through
the meaning of "young" and "dangerous".
Nice woods.
Canadian maple. Hence the case.
English plastic.
Hence the Asda bag.
That were a good length, Alan!
How about some support for me?
Nice slacks!
Oh, no, don't start that.
Great shot.
Fight back begins, yeah?
You're flying now, mate.
Sugar!
- You what, my love?
- From the doughnut. On the green.
I'll use my left hand.
In fact, not only that, Alan.
I will concede the entire match
if, having struck the jack,
my bowl
does not end up on this Rizla paper.
Don't worry, he does it every night.
- Blindfolded!
- That's a new one.
Oh, Mama!
Slacks! Slacks on, Starkey. Slacks on!
- Ray, he's been flicking it and...
- Throwing it in the air.
- With his feet, Ray.
- All right, Alan.
Ray, I'm feeling a little bit left out here.
- Eating doughnuts.
- All right, Hugh.
- Starkey...
- It's to do with first and last names.
Have you been picking the bowl up
with your feet?
I don't think there's anything
in the rule book about it.
That's because the rule book never
envisaged people like you playing bowls.
And what kind of people am I, Ray?
Get off the grass, Starkey.
I will... Speight.
As soon as I'm county champion. All right?
Game, Starkey.
Starkey wins.
Reg Boyt, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's hear it for Reg.
A fine eye, a steady hand,
and possibly the only bowls player in Britain
still to be a working porn star!
- What did he say?
- Never seen "Reg Does Paignton"?
Did he say "porn"?
The follow-up to "Open Your Legs,
I Need My Teeth Back", wasn't it?
17-0, Starkey.
- Hard luck, mate.
- It hasn't stopped yet.
- Don't be a bad loser.
- The bowl hasn't stopped yet.
For Christ's sake!
Just hang on there.
Yours hits mine, sending the jack through
the gate, off yours, onto my back.
I'm holding four, 21-0, I win,
you're buggered. I thank you!
Come on!
That's it, he's done it.
- Game, Starkey.
- He's in the final.
Come on!
In a moment, I'm going to ask you
to do an emergency stop.
- Yes?
- Starkey won.
Damn it!
This is the first time in your life
you've been quiet
for longer than a minute.
I'm going to play for England, aren't I?
You've got to beat Ray Speight
in this final first, sunshine.
And due respect to all them others
that you beat, and all that,
but they aren't in the same class
as Ray Speight.
Is he?
He's good.
He's the only player I have ever seen
who is in your league.
How come if he ain't been beaten
for 23 years in this county,
he's never played for England?
Well, I expect he's got his reasons.
Can you pick me up
from the council meeting?
I'm making another presentation,
so I might have a little drink afterwards.
No problem.
I have always felt that a town can be
judged on the decorum and standards
maintained by its swimming pools.
Therefore, I propose that
in addition to the notices reading
"No diving, no running,
no bombing and no petting"
we now add the sign,
"No thongs".
Thanks to Councillor Speight
for his vigilance
in the field of municipal signage.
All members will join me
in wishing him well
for his record 24th consecutive Southern
Peninsula Bowls Title on Saturday.
Cheers!
You are so beautiful, do you know that?
So beautiful.
OK, my little angel.
Here we go.
Nice and easy.
Just relax. Enjoy it.
So, this is what Torquay's sexual
theme park gets up to after hours.
- What's your name, then?
- Kerry.
- As in the county? I'm Cliff. As in...
- Richard.
Don't go near the edge of.
You spoilt that! Don't worry.
I wouldn't have had you down
as a bowls player.
That depends on what your definition
of a bowls player is.
Right? What is this bowls player
of which you speak?
- You can't define it because you don't...
- Yes, I can.
A 50-year-old with a mental age of 70,
who reads the "Mail", votes Conservative
and thinks a shag
is something you put in your pipe.
What I'm trying to say,
if you let me finish,
is that there are, in fact,
two types of bowlers. Yeah?
There's bowlers like me,
bowlers this town don't want.
Grew up playing on
any crappy bit of grass.
Sneaking onto ornamental gardens,
just to get a taste of that green velvet.
- Kerry!
- Then there's bloody Nazi twats like him.
Coming, Dad.
Bollocks.
Good day, Giles.
Yes, it is. A great day.
Absolutely wonderful day.
Good day for hunting.
Fox on the rabbit!
Thank you. Thank you.
Oh, my word. Kerry, this is a surprise.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the final of the Southern Peninsula
Men's Singles.
From Torquay, Ray Speight.
- Go on, Ray.
- One more time, Ray!
Versus, also from Torquay, Cliff Starkey.
Come on!
Come on!
- Trevor!
- Cliffy, I love you!
First end... play.
I'm a shooting star
Leaping through the sky like a tiger
Defying the laws of gravity
I'm a racing car
Passing by like Lady Godiva
I'm gonna go, go, go
There's no stopping me
Bloody hell, I've got a groupie!
That's what I love about older women.
- They get to 50 and let themselves go.
- You cheeky sod!
I want to make a supersonic man
out of you
Don't stop me now
- He's not going to win, is he? Dad?
- Shut up.
Don't stop me now
if you want to have a good time
Just give me a call
Don't stop me now
'cause I'm having a good time
Don't stop me now
Yes, I'm having a good time
I don't wanna stop at all
I'm a rocket ship on my way to Mars
Give us a kiss, then.
Right, I bloody will!
I'm a sex machine, ready to reload
Like an atom bomb
Come on!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, explode!
I'm burning through the sky, yeah
200 degrees,
that's why they call me Mr Fahrenheit
I'm travelling at the speed of light
I wanna make
a supersonic woman of you
Don't stop me, don't stop me,
don't stop me
Championship point.
When the bull is wounded,
it is important the end comes quick.
Game and County Championship: Starkey.
Oh, burning through the sky...
You bloody beauty! You beauty!
Come on!
There's only one Cliffy Starkey!
One Cliffy Starkey!
The winner
and new Southern Peninsula Champion,
Cliff Starkey.
I call upon the outgoing champion
to present the trophy.
Come on, Ray. Don't forget the three "A"s.
Approach... Acknowledge... Award.
You ought to melt this down.
It's only tin, but it'll get your grandad
a new suit from Oxfam.
We are the champions!
We're taking home a champion.
You'll have to drive, I've had a couple.
Come on, mate.
One moment.
"Mister Speight is..."
"Mister Speight is a tosser."
What do you understand by the phrase,
"tosser"?
I am aware that as a bowls player,
I am de facto a despatcher of bowls.
However, my knowledge of Mr Starkey
would lead me to believe
he intended the vernacular sense...
- He's going to say it!
...of masturbator.
"Defacement of a scorecard
is a protocol offence
"against point 4A paragraph 2
of the UKBC codes and regulations,
Well, sod it.
"And a ban from all competition,
at the discretion of the injured party."
Cliff Starkey is hereby banned from
any national or international competition
for 15 years.
- Hear, hear!
- Jolly good!
Ladies and gentlemen!
The reinstated and record-breaking 24th-time
Southern Peninsula Bowls Champion,
Ray Speight.
Don't you think 15 years is a little excessive?
Eric Cantona got eight weeks
and he kicked someone in the head.
It equates, Kerry.
In bowls, 15 years
is only a sixth of your career.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Seeing as I won't be needing these
any more,
you can have them.
Yeah!
Meet the new boss
Same as the old boss
No point running away.
Should have worn a mask.
- This ain't funny.
- I never said it was.
- It's just another example.
- An example of what?
The Torquay Mafia, you know!
They all come from the same part of town
and they all stick together.
Don't you worry about that.
- You did write it.
- What?
You didn't have to write on the scorecard.
The mentality of your tosspot father.
- He's still my dad.
- Exactly the same. Off you go.
Back into ranks. Go on, off you go.
Back into ranks.
- Land of hope and glory!
- Good night, Cliff.
Mother of the free!
How shall we extol thee?
Here, I brought you these back.
I had to pretend I was keeping them
for the police.
It's bloody ridiculous.
80 hours community service
for smashing a few plates?
- Why did you do it?
- Leave it out, Mutley.
Tell me! Afford me that.
At least afford the man who brought you up
and took you bowling every Sunday...
I am sorry if my mum and dad dying
ruined your Sundays.
You've thrown away
the biggest chance you'll ever have.
You took me bowling
'cause you wanted to go.
I stood by, bored off my tits. I only
started playing to keep myself sane.
I knew that. Exactly. That's why
I kept going and I kept you doing it,
until you kept sane to the point
where you'd become a genius.
A potential national champion genius!
- What did he say that was so terrible?
- It was nothing.
Bollocks!
- Don't shout at it, Mutley.
- Hello?
Don't shout at it!
You don't need to, it's electronic.
I'll get him.
I think she said it's the local news.
Hello?
Down the line!
Pass it!
Keep those sticks down.
Camilla?
This is the game of hockey calling.
- What the hell are you doing here?
- Too bloody right.
It's burning my feet. It's taken
a right effort morally to turn up here.
10-8. Full time. Get changed, please.
- What's that?
- It's a bit big.
But with a blouse with a frilly cuff,
it'd look nice.
You're trying to get me sacked.
Do you know how much I spent on that?
You won it on that arcade arm thing.
In, please, girls. Come on.
It's not the real present.
It's a pre-big-present.
Why am I getting a real present at all?
He's still a tosser!
I reserve my right to that opinion.
But he is your dad,
even though he is a twat.
And I could have been a little bit more tactical.
You know, blah di blah.
6.30? Palm Gardens? Unless Friday is
Monopoly night in the Speight household,
in which case I advise you
to buy the stations early on.
You'll have to excuse me, 'cause I've got
to get interviewed by local television.
In!
Having won the County Championships
at a young age,
you've been banned for 15 years,
Cliff Starkey. What was your crime?
Just relax.
Yeah, yeah.
Just fuck off!
With bowls in danger of being cancelled
from television,
with young people like you being banned,
do you think this sport could die out?
Yeah.
What age are the UK's bowls committee?
Stone age.
They're, like, Neolithic.
That's why they hate me.
I'm the sort of bloke
that goes on 18-30 holidays.
When they go on holiday,
that's the sort of time they go to bed.
I can't believe you got tickets
for The Delays.
We're going in the VIP area.
I know a bloke who works there.
Come on, through here.
On the list.
Cliff Starkey, "Bad Boy of Bowls".
This is my girlfriend, Cindy. She does
underwear modelling for Freemans.
Starkey, you scumbag.
I can't believe you're still trying this.
- Leave it.
- I'm gonna give you such a kicking.
- Please, Cliff, no!
- I'm sorry. Leave it out, please.
All right, Cliff, mate? How you doing?
All right?
- There you go. All right?
- Take it easy.
- Enjoy the gig.
- What do you want to drink?
So that's how you normally get in,
I take it?
No, I just did that to impress you.
- It's broken, by the way.
- What?
The watch. I put it on and it started
playing the theme to "Beverly Hills Cops".
Then it leaked something brown
onto my wrist.
I'll mend it. I'll get it fixed for you.
Still, gig was good.
The gig was good.
I didn't think you'd come.
I thought you'd presume I was a prat,
rather than waiting to find out that I am.
Thanks, it's been a great night.
No, no, don't go.
Now is the time of night I like to...
hot things up a little bit.
- Do what?
- Hot things up a little bit.
Don't be frightened of it.
Just... Go on... Hold it.
Now, you see, that there is the bias.
Yeah?
Which means you're going
to have to aim it slightly to the left.
Ever so slightly. There's a bias
in each one of these little ladies.
And it's going to pull it one way,
no matter what.
Cliff...
Yeah?
I fucking hate bowls!
Wahey! I got the three "P"s.
Pizza, Pilsener and Porn!
"Shops Of The West Country".
That documentary you were after.
See ya.
- You!
- I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry.
- You made me look a right prat there.
- Sorry. Sorry.
Shut up. Just piss off.
What's the matter with you?
"Porn Shops Of The West Country".
I think we got away with it.
- I'm sorry. Look, I've said I'm sorry.
- Sorry, bollocks!
You made me out to be
the kind of bloke who watches porn.
You are. Not only that, you go out
with the kind of girls who appear in it.
- Kerry's not like that.
- I'm stepping out with a duchess, I am!
- Shut your mouth.
- Cliff Starkey!
- Christ, it's Batman.
- It's that bloke from "The Matrix", innit?
I don't fucking believe it. In the flesh?
I mean, I...
Do you know what you are? You're this.
- Late?
- Gold.
- You what, mate?
- You know, I heard they cancelled bowls.
Made me so fucking mad!
I'm Rick Schwartz.
There's someone I'd like you to meet.
Quick, what's its name? The white ball.
The jimmy?
The jack.
These television guys
are so far off the jack, you know?
The bowls on TV in this country
are a disaster, right?
- Yeah.
- Thanks to BBC coverage,
bowls is the only Olympic sport you can
win gold while still smoking a pipe.
That's right. You play, do you?
I've rolled a few woods in my time,
but you, Cliff, I gotta say to you, man,
I really love what you do with the game.
- That's why I brought Dennis here.
- Who?
Dennis, as Head of BBC Sports, you gotta know
that athletes are like popcorn.
Some pop and some don't.
Believe me, this kid's a popper.
People might not watch bowls on TV.
But trust me, they'll watch Cliff.
His first exhibition match -
prime time special. Think about it, Dennis.
Might deflect all the flak
you've been getting for cancelling bowls.
- I'm not sure that...
- The train's gonna leave the station.
- Are you on it, or just dicking around?
- That's not entirely fair, Rick.
What makes the difference
between a game and a sport?
Passion!
Yeah! Passion's what makes the difference.
Passionate is what the cable TV people
were when I pitched to them last night.
I gotta run.
- What's going on?
- Keep walking, guys. Move, move, move.
Hey, hey! Who the hell are you?
STA. Sports Talent Associated.
The biggest in the world.
First premiership player
to get six figures a week. Me.
First non-US boxer to be guaranteed
50% of the take just for showing up. Me.
- He's banned.
- Screw the ban. Screw the ban, pal.
What I can do is make Cliff Starkey
the Bad Boy of British Bowls.
I can make him the hottest, richest,
sexiest phenomenon in living memory.
Listen. It's ten paces
from here back to my limo.
Before I get to five,
that man's going to be making us an offer.
He's scared he's about to lose out.
Do me a favour. Can you walk with me?
Here we go. One, two, three...
Rick!
Rick! Could I have a moment?
Thank you.
Dennis, what can I do for you?
It's Blackball Bowls and it's live!
Featuring the Bad Boy, Cliff Starkey,
as he takes on the Scottish legend,
Brian "Iron Wrist" Cronk!
You fucker! I'll have your arse!
I'll have your arse!
I asked you for another prodigy like Cliff.
That's him.
National champion at the age of 45.
Too much too young.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Bad Boy of Bowls is in the house!
Let's hear it for Cliff Starkey!
You hear that? That's for you.
You're the one they pay to see.
The baddest human ever to roll a jack.
You're hostile, mobile, volatile!
- Now, burn it down, baby!
- I will!
Bad Boy! Bad Boy!
Gonna break out of this city
Leave the people here behind
Let's bowl this mother!
Searching for adventure
Is the type of life to find
Tired of doing day jobs
With no thanks for what I do
Come on!
... there must be someone
Now I'm gonna find out who
Do anything you wanna do
Do anything you wanna do
Isn't that the young man
who did the decorating in this place?
Don't need no politicians
Tell me things I shouldn't be...
It's great, isn't it? What a buzz!
Brilliant!
All right, Trev. Easy, mate.
A joke's a joke. Slow down.
Put your foot down, Trevor.
But they tell you what you should do
They don't like to see you grow
Do anything you wanna do
Do anything you wanna do
And you're looking at, as of this morning,
the first bowls player in history
to be asked to present an MTV award.
In your capacity as a bowls player or a prick?
Both. That's why they want me.
They reckon I'm the Maradona of bowls.
Undercoat.
After I beat Cronk,
one bloke reckons I'm Georgie Best.
Brian Cronk's a 60-year-old alcoholic.
He couldn't hit a cow's arse with a banjo.
And if your agent knows so much about sport,
just ask him what happened
to Maradona in the end.
And Hurricane Higgins. All them guys.
Undercoat.
Forget the bloody undercoat.
Nobody watched the snooker
before the Hurricane.
That's what happened, doughnut!
It's the Savoy, Kerry! The hotel.
The girl who runs these awards,
she's only putting me up in the bloody Savoy!
- I wish Grandad could see this.
- Go on.
I'm walking down this long corridor.
This looks like my door.
- Oh, my God! Jesus Christ!
- What is it?
There's loads of fruit,
posh pictures all over the wall.
One of those ceilings
you get in stately homes.
It ain't got a bloody bed though.
- Does that pull out?
- No, you've got a separate bedroom.
I got a separate bedroom!
Kerry, the bed!
- The bed is just...
- Wasted?
Yeah.
Oh, look at the view!
Oh, wow!
Tell me.
It's just magical.
You got to be here.
How final is the ban on Cliff Starkey?
Why do you ask, Chairman Collins?
As you know, we at Central Committee
have lost two million in revenue
by being dropped from television.
This afternoon, we were offered 2.3 million
from Targitex Sportswear
to sponsor the Australian test.
Oh, well...
If Cliff Starkey is playing.
Oh.
Settle down,
because now we have for you,
to present the award for best newcomer,
a young guy who this year became
the most banned player in British sport.
Please welcome the Bad Boy of Bowls,
Cliff Starkey!
Nobody says that, right?
Nobody says that about bowls!
You say that again, I'll bloody kill ya!
Bowls is the new rock and roll!
Starkey, Bad Boy!
- What happened? Are you OK?
- No, Kerry, it was a stunt.
What do you mean?
That bloke I was fighting with, Mike.
He doubles for Pierce Brosnan.
He's a bit pissed at the moment.
It was Rick's idea.
For heaven's sake!
Kerry, I met bands. I just spoke
to a bloke who's on my T-shirt.
That hasn't happened since I saw Sooty!
- Where are you?
- And I got an advert.
Someone wants me to advertise something.
And I said, "I demand a girl
comes with me, a particular girl.
"I demand this,
because... because, like...
"because when I'm not with her,
it feels like someone turned the sun off."
And when I look at her,
it feels like my lift's crashing.
Anyway, she couldn't make it.
So I said, "I know this tart in Torquay
who I once shagged."
- Sod off!
- Mickey's up on the lion!
Kerry!
- Who was that?
- I'll fill in a form if you like.
You're right.
There comes a point when a man must
acknowledge his girl's grown up.
That there are things she should be doing
I might have been holding her back from.
"The Royal Torquay Bowls Club
Annual Dinner."
Look inside. Go on.
Note the surprise element. Guest speech:
"My Love Of Bowls" by Ray Speight.
Yes.
Tell me, Dad, do you ever wonder whether
you love bowls so much because Mum left?
Or whether Mum left
because you love bowls so much?
In terms of Cliff's profile, there's a volcanic coup
I'm processing right now.
Gotta keep it under wraps. Can't share it.
But what I can tell you is this.
There's a move to tie Cliff in with
a brand-new government programme
that's gonna help kids from the wrong
side of the tracks stay off drugs.
Perfect. Britain's drug estates are one
of our chief concerns as a company.
- That's where we sell 80% of our trainers.
- Exactly.
Action!
And cut.
Cliff, you open it after you've turned.
That's when the tingle of taste
will leap out of the can
and bowl you over.
- Something's gonna jump out at me?
- No, it's a computer effect.
- I don't feel comfortable.
- That's what the blue screen's for.
Actually, we could get him a light.
Mike, could we get a green light for him?
So, you'll open the can
on the green light. OK?
OK, mark it.
Bad Boy, Diet Coke, 3, take 13.
And cut. Tell you what.
Let's forget the light, let's get a bell.
Dave, can we get him a bell, please?
So, this time you open it on the ding.
- All right?
- OK.
Right. Ding.
Action.
And cut.
- Good, but it still won't work...
- That's the one.
- That's a wrap!
- The Bad Boy himself.
Mr Cliff Starkey, everyone.
- Have you had classes?
- Never.
Come on!
Relaxed? Like you were sitting
in your living room.
Come on!
Come on!
- Come on.
- Wow.
A girl in his trailer?
Rule one. Nobody sees Cliff
without going through me first. Right?
Where's the blimp?
Like I needed to ask!
So I can have lemon sponge AND gateau?
Hey! My man, Slim!
You sit on your fat ass all day,
eating six fucking desserts!
He's got a groupie in his trailer.
It's not a groupie, it's his girlfriend.
- Girlfriend?
- Kerry Speight.
- Kerry who?
- Speight.
- News International. Can I help you?
- Can you get me the picture editor?
- Is it important?
- This falls in the category of important.
OK, please hold.
You got the latest offers there?
Apparently, the BBC bid 3.9.
Yeah, keep on reading, guys.
And three hours ago,
UK Sportsnet offered 4.1.
As soon as you can guarantee
Starkey plays for England,
you're gonna have Australian TVbegging.
- Bloody Speight and his blasted ban.
- The sell-through rights are huge.
Targitex's just raised to 2.9
for the sponsorship deal.
Every time this kid receives press coverage,
sponsorship goes north.
And believe me,
the press coverage he's received so far
is nothing compared
to what I can confidently predict
they are going to run with
tomorrow morning.
Come on, that's the way!
Nice! That's the way.
Get it over. Get it over!
Don't hang about!
Slip it in! Good lad. Nice and easy.
Move in and...
I'm not sure I can do this
with Trevor outside.
That's it. Come on!
Now! Get it in the box!
- I can't. I can't do it.
- Oh, for God's sake!
- Oh, you!
- Trev, do us a favour, mate. Bugger off.
- No.
- What?
I'd rather be watching Man City
than listening to you two shagging.
I've gotta sit here being a bodyguard.
I'm bloody under orders.
Don't get arsey with Rick, mate.
If it's any easier, stop calling me
"mate" and use "employee".
Go on. Good night, Trevor. Piss off.
If you're not going to be grateful
for everything...
- Grateful? Grateful?
- It's a bloody free holiday, mate.
Well, thank you for letting me sit
on my arse while you have a shag.
For letting them tell me I can't eat
my dinner till you've had yours.
Thanks for letting them call me
a fat fucking butterball.
All in all, thanks for everything.
But funny thing is, next time I fancy a holiday,
I'll go to fucking Thomas Cook!
You've got no bloody idea
the pressure I'm under.
Today I got to open a can of pop
to the sound of a bell, with a light in my...
- You great twat!
- You are sacked!
- You can't sack me, I've quit.
- You can't quit. I've just sacked you.
Shit boy!
Fucking doughnut face!
I'll pull that fucking perm off...
What is it about bowls
that encourages friendship?
- Tosser!
- Prick!
Arsehole!
My speech was going to concern
the history of our noble game.
But in light of recent events...
Have you seen?
He's all over the papers again.
...the future of the game demands attention.
We're going to go down in history
as the men who killed bowls.
...of like-minded people
with like-minded ideals.
Restraint and self-control
are the jewels in our crown.
- Any notion of commercialism...
- Five million quid down the Swanee.
We've got to get this ban overturned.
Giles! Can't we get some dirt on Ray?
Dirt? Ray "Spotless" Speight
edited the bloody national rule book.
This we must remember now,
particularly when our sport is under attack.
Look, here we are again.
The indiscipline and bad language
of this...
Fucking wanker!
Gotcha!
And in a dramatic new twist,
Bad Boy of Bowls Cliff Starkey
has been reinstated
as Southern Peninsula Champion.
His 15-year ban has been converted
to a two-week suspension.
What are you waiting for?
Warm up, once round the pitch.
- What?
- Nice one, miss!
Yeah, nice one, miss!
Ray Speight is a valued servant
of the game of bowls.
But we felt that his actions
may lately have been clouded
by a degree of personal animosity.
We all wish Ray well
in having a little respite
from editing the rule book.
And welcome, Cliff Starkey,
to the England team.
Jesus!
Look who's in the neighbourhood!
That's right.
- Have you seen the photos?
- I mean, what a place!
Has Rick got me the best flat in Torquay
or what?
Unbelievable! Two weeks ago,
I was decorating this place.
I love this kitchen.
- Champagne? That'll be Rick.
- My school has suspended me.
That's great.
You should have left years ago.
Teaching snobby-arsed girls.
They're only going to work for Daddy anyway.
Some bubbly.
- Have you seen the photos?
- It's just the press.
It's part of being a celebrity.
You've got to deal with it.
Well, thanks.
Thanks for your concern.
What is the matter with you and Trevor?
Why can't you just be happy for me?
You are so selfish!
- I'm playing for England.
- Thanks to who?
To my dad, who embarrassed himself...
I am so sorry I didn't send flowers.
He was the bloke that banned me,
wasn't he? Yeah.
If he hadn't, you wouldn't be a celebrity.
Do you think if you hadn't been banned,
anybody would give a toss
who Cliff Starkey was?
OK, off you go, back in line.
Daddy's little princess.
Land of hope...
- Oh, no.
- Yeah. Yeah!
Well, sod off, then.
I will.
I'm going to give you five paces to come back,
give me a kiss and say sorry.
One, two...
Bugger off, then.
I'll have a champagne bath on my own.
Oh, my God!
Dad?
Dad?
He's got concussion.
He's torn ligaments in his knees.
- He'll be on crutches for quite a while.
- He's come round? What did he say?
It was that astronomer's flat.
He got a call saying some American
wanted it a week early.
- Right.
- And of course,
he had no one to hold the ladder.
No.
All right. That's it, we're done.
You guys get to see one more trick.
What do you want?
- Show us the Rizla trick!
- Go ahead, kill it, baby.
Give those Aussies something to read
about tomorrow, and let's go home.
You OK?
Yeah, yeah. Just, you know...
Had a bit of a thing with Kerry.
It's all right.
Kerry.
Hi. Have a seat.
It's actually two types of grapes.
90% Cabernet, 10% Merlot.
It's fantastic. It's from
the oldest vineyard in the world.
- Lebanon. Bekaa Valley.
- Where's Cliff?
- Bekaa Valley produces...
- Rick!
Yeah, I...
Kerry, I've been putting this off.
- Putting what off?
- Kerry, there's a...
You phone me and tell me
Cliff wants to apologise.
I turn up here.
You're here, there's only two glasses.
Oh, my God.
Right, I get it. I get it.
I've been kind of stupid, haven't I?
Look, Kerry, the problem with stars...
- Rick, I...
- Listen. This is important.
The problem with stars is that about now,
about when they're this far up,
they start to look down.
And the things
that they were very, very close to
suddenly seem to be very far away.
- And very small.
- And then they get agents.
Agents like you, to do their
fucking shitty business for them.
A little more, please.
He don't live here any more.
Try Millionaires' Row.
My dad's changed the locks.
- Come in.
- Thanks.
No, buddy, you're not understanding
the media coup I've been cooking up.
So, let me tell you once again
what the English Ashes team
is going to look like.
The new England captain, Cliff Starkey.
Ken Star, "News Of The World".
All right, Cliff?
Did you sleep with Speight's daughter
just to wind him up?
Just 'cause you haven't had a shag
for 20 years, don't take it out on me.
You have a question about the training?
Thank you. Dave Gort, the "Sun".
Cliff, how's the training?
I've never been a great believer
in training, as such.
I think that's absolutely a fair point
to say.
Cliff Starkey is not bigger than the sport.
He is the fucking sport! Understand?
Can you give the Aussies a whopping?
The didgeri-Doohan brothers? Kylie and Jason?
I'll stick 'em on the barbie!
Trevor Batty, "Asian Babes".
Cliff, can I ask,
is your Bad Boy image for real?
Or are you the kind of twat
who'd get his agent
to dump his girlfriend for him?
What?
Could we have a question from Derek
of "Bowls and Bowlers"?
Derek, where are you?
- Whoa, tiger!
- What did you tell her?
Shwarzenegger's back in the neighbourhood!
What did you say to Kerry?
See, I figured, "Who is the England team?"
Who do people, in their fucking guts,
want to see play the Australians?
- Get the fuck out of here.
- Think about it.
I know you want to know. Who is
the one man I would team you with?
Cliff, I know I can be a bit of a bad boy too,
but that's what makes me a genius
at what I do.
Me and you are the same.
You're fired. You are fired.
- OK.
- OK. So...
Yeah.
During the six paces
between here and that door,
I want you to think about one thing.
Time is very pressing here, boy wonder.
Listen to me, kid.
We have a very, very short season
to gather our nuts.
I could do without your bitch-ass whining
when we should be out nut gathering.
I'm going to go now.
One, two, three, four, five, six.
That was a bad move!
In the "History Of Stupid Things",
on that book, you'd be on the fucking cover!
You lost your focus. She was a fucking
distraction. How blind? How stupid?
OK. I forgive you.
Let's put it behind us.
Come on.
I'll hug the hurt out of you. Come on!
Come on!
Come on!
Right.
Well, there's just... finally
just one itsy-bitsy little thing
that you should probably remember.
It's... bowls. Huh?
No, no, no!
Is Kerry in, please? Mr Speight?
Bloody hell, Ray! What kind of ban
did you give them lot?
You can't talk to people like me.
Even though my house is just as big as yours.
And my house
is on Millionaires' Row, mate.
All because I come from the Links Estate.
What is your bloody problem?
I came from the Links Estate.
- What?
- Don't you hide behind that.
I came from the Links Estate
and I'm not scum.
Do you know what made me better?
What got me out of that shithole?
My game. That I loved.
That you have...
...shagged. And will probably discard.
As you probably have my daughter.
They were taking on extra staff
for the final against the Aussies.
Funny, isn't it? I mean, bowls!
Kerry, I didn't know what was going on.
I didn't know what was happening.
- Whatever Rick said didn't come from me.
- I'm going to rent a flat.
I didn't know what was happening.
I had no idea.
- I'm absolutely fine.
- I fired him. I fired him.
Cliff Starkey, the Bad Boy of Bowls,
will face the world champions,
Kyle and Mark Doohan,
teamed up with the man he insulted,
Ray Speight.
I didn't know that was happening, either!
You don't seriously think I had anything
to do with setting that up, do you?
I'm not afraid of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me
that I haven't already heard
I'm just trying to find a decent melody
A song that I can sing in my own company
You and me, man.
I never thought you were a fool
"I will concede the entire match
"if my bowl does not end up
on this Rizla paper. "
You gotta stand up straight
Carry your own weight
You little bastard!
You asked for this. You had it coming!
Drown, you buggers!
Who's laughing now, then?
- Have you seen this girl?
- No, sorry, mate.
Who looks stupid now?
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
- What the hell are we going to do?
- Do we have a plan B?
What do you mean, plan B? There can't be
a plan B. It's Ray or no Ray.
Bloody hell! We twist every rule
in the book to get him out.
Now we're ruined if we can't get him back.
What if we tell him we got it wrong?
Ray, we checked the rule book,
and you can say the word "wanker".
Hurts losing a child, don't it, Mr Speight?
Whatever way it happens.
You don't realise you can hurt that much.
All right, don't talk to me, Ray.
What do I know, anyway?
Only a bloody decorator.
I'm a fan, though. Big fan.
Big admirer.
I can't do much in life,
but I can put wallpaper up straight.
And recognise talent.
It's funny the way it happens,
isn't it, Ray? In life?
Even though for 30 years
you've ignored me in corridors,
and you stand for everything
that depresses me about this country,
I still love watching you play.
Loved watching you beat John Cullen
with that little in-swinger, 1979.
1983, against Andrew Park,
winning from four ends down.
Thing I do know, Ray,
is that you are a world-class player,
who was never brave enough
to play for his country.
Do you think
if you hadn't been banned,
anybody would give a toss
who Cliff Starkey was?
Cliff Starkey, the Bad Boy of Bowls,
will face the world champions,
Kyle and Mark Doohan,
teamed up with the man he insulted,
Ray Speight.
It's bowls, the sport that time forgot.
Reborn tonight on a rink of fire,
on a crimson green, in the purpose-built
Targitex Bowladrome, Torquay.
At its helm, perhaps the highest-octane
sportsman this country has ever seen.
Son, what have you done?
You're caught by the river
You're coming undone
You've got a limousine, Mr Starkey.
Please pick up the phone.
But you can't just leave it
'Cause you're not in control no more
And you give it all away
Would you give it all away, yeah?
Don't let it come apart
Don't want to see it come apart
He got in the limo. Let's go!
While you're giving it...
- I didn't think you'd play.
- I'm an Englishman.
Tosser!
You and I
We're so full of love and hope...
Oh, yes!
Mr Daly, my name's Giles Booth.
Allow me to introduce my committee.
Nice job, people.
First it was cricket, then rugby,
then even football.
Now Australia hold sway
over the world of bowls.
The Doohan brothers, unbeaten,
remember, in seven years,
face an Ashes team at war with itself.
Cliff Starkey, Ray Speight.
Yesterday we called them enemies.
Tonight we call them England.
Come on, guys. Proud to be English?
Yeah, yeah!
Don't want to see you come apart
Then you give it all away
But you give it all away
Don't let it come apart
Don't want to see it come apart
- This isn't bowls.
- Well, it is now.
Step forward, gentlemen.
Little tighter, just for the camera, please.
- Beautiful country, Australia.
- Eat shit!
Referee, protocol! Those players are...
Your referee, Julian Maycock.
England, Starkey.
England, first mat.
Here we go.
I'm Dave Zilato,
and with me is the man with the stats.
Angus Loughran.
Thanks, Dave.
This is the first prime time bowls match
since England versus Canada in 1962.
Which was, incidentally, the only
prime time televised bowls match.
Fascinating. Angus will be keeping us up
with lots of stats throughout the game.
So here we go, folks. It's the Ashes.
But will it be ashes to ashes?
Or will tonight a phoenix rise?
We are about to find out.
- What is that, Angus?
- Must be nerves, Dave.
Is the Bad Boy trying to psyche out the
Australians with some naughty mind games?
10 degrees at the 15-yard mark.
Oh, it's going to be well wide.
- Wide and long.
- That's a gutterball, Dave.
10 degrees at the 10.
Good line, good weight.
15 degrees at the 20.
Bowlometer's happy, Dave.
That's a sweet, sweet opener
from Mark Doohan. He's pleased with that.
Look at that, right in the red zone.
Let's see what the old master
can come up with.
Aim... Assess...
Dropped it short, well short.
28% low on power
and short of the score zone.
Kyle Doohan.
And he's away.
Australia lead, 11-0.
What's going on, Dave?
We've all heard of Bad Boy Starkey,
but this is Bad Bowls Starkey.
He's technically very ragged.
You see, this is what happens.
This is exactly what happens.
Wait a minute.
Where's the guy that wipes your ass?
Oh, that's right.
You fired him and he's in London.
Tosser! Tosser!
This is a terrible shame, Dave.
The sport does not need this, Angus.
Just play your normal game, yeah?
I'm stood on a red green, using blue woods,
with 2,000 people shouting "Tosser".
Please, remind me what my normal game is.
England debating tactics down there.
5 at the 15, 7 at the 30.
- Bias kicking in. 5 at the 40.
- That's better.
That is not a bad lie from Ray Speight.
England, holding one.
My word, that put paid to that.
Sorry, mate.
Dave, 13-0 is a real test,
psychologically.
No team in the history of lawn bowls
has come back from 13 down.
England have to get something from
this next hand, haven't they, Angus?
OK, nerves of steel required.
Auditorium silent.
They know the situation England are in.
- And here we go.
- 8 at the 15.
- He's trying to draw to the jack.
- Weight's crucial here.
- Feels overtipped.
- It's well overtipped! Not good.
He can't handle it! Gets to the big dance,
no one to hold his hand.
He's lost. You don't get it.
I fuckin' hate bowls.
Hold on. That's it, isn't it? You've lost it.
Dave, look at this.
This was always on the cards
if they're put under pressure,
if the old conflicts start coming out.
That's the highest half time lead
since Australia against Japan in 1989.
And they didn't have a half time then,
it was just halfway through the game.
Hey, Cliff! Don't worry, mate.
You can turn this round.
I get big match nerves myself some...
That's interesting. Maybe he's only good
when he's playing people who are crap!
Jon, so many expectations, so many hopes
pinned on his shoulders.
Has it all got a bit too much
for Starkey? What's the mood?
I wish I could tell you, Dave.
I've been in the England dressing room,
and Cliff Starkey has disappeared.
This isn't a stunt, though
it might be a stunt they're unaware of.
But whatever, no one in Torquay
knows where Cliff Starkey is.
So, are you going back in?
You're just going to let my dad play
all on his own out there?
- Rubik's Cube or a Toblerone?
- I don't believe this!
Have you any idea
what it's taken my dad to...
How dare you walk away from me?!
Have you any idea what it's taken my dad
to get out there tonight?
Tonight my dad has done
an incredibly brave thing,
the first brave thing
in a life of abject weakness.
He's gone out there and he's nailed his
colours to the mast and steeled himself.
Where the hell are you going?
You've both given up everything you had
in your lives for your sport.
What exactly do you have left to lose?
This has gone past bizarre.
I have to tell viewers
returning for the second half -
Australia are two minutes and ten seconds
away from winning the Ashes by default,
due to a no-show by both English players.
Nothing is worth this.
Nothing is worth taking your life for.
You bloody twat!
Hold onto that, I'll be back in a minute.
We didn't run. That's what matters.
You don't mean that, do you, Ray?
No. Cream the bastards!
Starkey to bowl.
Rizla trick!
Rizla trick!
Rizla trick?
Rizla trick! Rizla trick!
Here we go. First time we've seen this.
Starkey starting to play up
to the audience.
- Excuse me, my love.
- Talking to the audience, in fact!
- Now what's he up to?
- Oh, thank you, madam!
Plenty of room in there!
He's certainly putting a smile
on the audience's face there.
He's not seriously going to...
He is!
Oh, Mama!
Yeah!
After an abject first half,
the uproar tells you everything.
It's Starkey's legendary Rizla trick.
At last the English crowd
have got something to cheer about.
Wind me up, put me down
Start me off and watch me go
I'll be running circles around you
sooner than you know
A little off centre and I'm out of tune
Just kicking this can along the avenue
But I'm all right
You're joking? You can't just turn up
and hope to get in. This is bowls.
- Come on.
- What?
You're going down, boy.
You jerk it out
You jerk it out
Come on. Bollocks!
Give us the phone.
The Four Corners of the Empire trick.
Get down.
Ray's favourite, this one.
Come on!
OK, in you go. Don't worry.
Oh, you are a treasure. Thanks, pet.
Mark Doohan, crucial bowl for Australia.
What?
I dunno.
You started this fucking mumbling shit!
First sign of tension in the Australian camp.
Matilda not waltzing at the moment!
15 degrees at the 10,
it's not a good line.
- Too much weight.
- 5 degrees at the 40.
- It's overtipped!
- Going long and wide.
The Deadly Doohans
become the Dreadful Doohans, Angus.
- Nice.
- Eat shit.
England, holding one.
As the end stands, we're tied at 17-all.
Speight has potentially the winning wood.
Tricky end here, though, Dave.
Needs perfect weight.
- Tosser!
- He's bottomed it!
- Doohan said something.
- Big deal.
Time. This is the last wood.
And the jack's been struck.
Jack in the gutter is live,
which will make Mark Doohan's last bowl
the winning wood.
The Doohan bowl's still in motion, Dave.
- Protocol!
- Starkey knows it.
The bloody prannet!
- He's up to something!
- If there's any movement on that ball,
the game is still live.
Tosser, tosser!
The ball's in motion. It's not over.
If that ball drops,
it's out of play and will not score.
That's bowls, mate.
Out of play. That's a draw. 17-all.
Calm down, gentlemen.
A tie is enough. Have we tied?
No, Ray. Tragically, this is television.
Thunderbowl!
It's the Thunderbowl,
the ultimate test of bowling nerve.
One jack, one wood, closest wins.
It's bowls for the brave.
Well, Dave. England? Penalty shoot-outs?
You've got to try and believe, Angus.
Kyle Doohan for Australia.
10 degrees at the 10.
Speed, 15.7. This is good.
Computer likes it.
Red zone, 2 degrees. Great line.
Oh, this is good. Oh, yes!
- Would you look at that?
- Yes!
I cannot believe it.
Dear, oh, dear.
What must they be thinking?
Starkey, top on.
Starkey just being asked to put a top on.
17 million viewers and he's
not even wearing our bloody logo!
- Cliff!
- Someone in the crowd's obliged.
That's better.
Oh, my God!
Go on.
Six weeks ago,
this boy was a Torquay decorator.
The eyes of the nation now rest on him.
What are his options, Angus?
- In-swinger.
- What, love?
He has to fire it to split them.
He has to fire it.
He can't fire it. In-swinger.
Firing it won't work.
You need a cool in-swinger.
Trust the bias. Let the wood do the work.
- What's happening here?
- 35 at the 10. It's going off the rink.
What has Starkey done?
He's gone for a huge in-swinger.
Surely he should have
blasted that kiss apart.
Hold on. Computer says 45 at the 30.
And tightening!
Good man.
- This is unbelievable.
- How much spin has he put on this?!
Angus, it's on line, it is on line!
And it's going to get there, Dave!
It's there! It's on it!
Whoa, whoa! Ssh!
Now, a little "come on".
Not a big one, just a gentle "come on".
Come on.
Game, England!
Oh, there we go!
Shane Warne, Kylie Minogue, Ramsay Street!
Crocodile Dundee!
Your boys took one hell of a beating!
I made him.
I made that.
Fucking Brits!
So, remind me,
what are the three "A"s again, Kerry?
Well, Trevor,
Achieve, Approach and Apologise.
Why don't you two try the three "F"s?
Forgive, Forget and go...
Find Mutley?
Yeah.
I would just like to apologise
for everything.
And particularly my general descent
into being a tosser.
I haven't got an agent any more, and I...
I quite fancy a job holding your ladder,
if it's still available.
Bet you thought I wasn't man enough
to apologise face-to-face.
Cup of tea?
Yeah, go on.
I've had a great idea.
I'm going to open a bowls school.
You've done it all
You've broken every code
And pulled the rebel to the floor
You spoilt the game
No matter what you say
For only metal
What a bore!
Come up and see me
Make me smile
Or do what you want
Running wild
There's nothing left
All gone and run away
Maybe you'll tarry for a while
It's just a test
A game for us to play
Win or lose, it's hard to smile
It's from yourself you have to hide
Ooh, come up and see me
To make me smile
Or do what you want
Running wild
Come on!
There ain't no more
You've taken everything
My belief in Mother Earth
Can you ignore my faith in everything?
'Cause I know what faith is
and what it's worth
Away, away
And don't say maybe you'll try
To come up to see me
To make me smile
I'll do what you want, just running wild
Come up and see me
Make me smile
I'll do what you want
Running wild
Wouldn't it be nice
to get on with me neighbours?
They make it very clear
they've got no room for ravers
They stop me from groovin',
they bang on me wall
It's doin' me crust in,
it's no good at all
Lazy Sunday afternoon
I've got no mind to worry
Close my eyes and drift away
Here we all are, sittin' in a rainbow
There's no one to hear me,
there's nothing to say
And no one can stop me
from feelin' this way
Lazy Sunday afternoon
I've got no mind to worry
I close my eyes and drift away
Root-de-doo-de-doo
Root-de-doot-de-di-day
Root-de-doo-de-dum
Root-de-doo-de-doo-dee
I'll sing you a song
with no words and no tune
I'll see if you call me
while you suss out the moon
Lazy Sunday afternoon
I've got no mind to worry
I close my eyes and drift away
Close my eyes and drift away
I'll sing you a song
with no words and no tune
I'll see if you call me
while you suss out the moon
Lazy Sunday afternoon
I've got no mind to worry
I close my eyes and drift away
Close my eyes and drift away
I close my eyes and drift away