Blades Of Glory (2007) Movie Script
(CON TE PARTIRO PLAYING)
I'll take him.
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
(SONG CONTINUES)
LAMPLEY: Jimmy MacElroy.
The crowd swooning
as he comes out of that spin flawlessly.
SCOTT: They are giving him the love
and he is giving it right back.
Here it comes.
And he nails it!
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
It's the best he's been.
LAMPLEY: Now there's the arm.
And you know what that means.
SCOTT: Yes. The galloping peacock.
And look at him getting air on that.
Flawless. Just textbook perfection.
There are very few women
in the history of this sport
that skate with this kind of beauty.
Come on, Jimmy. Nail it!
Ending the programme
showing his flexibility.
What a great effort!
(MUSIC STOPS)
He couldn't skate any better than that.
The performance of a lifetime,
Jimmy MacElroy!
LAMPLEY: Elegant with
machine-like technical precision.
SCOTT: And there it is.
So important to remember that
that dove was in his suit the whole time.
LAMPLEY: Jimmy's renowned
for his personal hygiene, Scott.
But after that performance,
he's starting to reek of gold.
While the judges decide Jimmy's fate,
let's take a look
at this exceptional young skater.
He is a child of privilege.
A classic skater defined
by elegance, precision
and an ability to endure great pain.
He was plucked from an orphanage
at age four
by billionaire champion-maker,
Darren MacElroy.
Once a breeder of some of the most
successful racehorses in the world,
Darren had turned his attention
to nurturing athletically advanced
human orphans.
His ultimate find came in the form
of skating wunderkind, Jimmy.
I guess I had a pretty normal childhood.
LAMPLEY:
With his father's state of the art,
some say questionable,
training methods,
this child prodigy
was forged into an ber skater.
Soon, Jimmy was sweeping the gold
while his trademark Jimmy curl
was sweeping the nation,
with kids of all ages fashion drafting
right behind their idol.
A champion, an icon, a giver.
Jimmy MacElroy,
skating's Little Orphan Awesome.
(MAN WHOOPING)
- Well, Coach?
- You nailed it, Jimmy. You nailed it.
You nailed it shut.
Every move exactly like I showed you.
I am so proud of you.
Thanks. Dad, what'd you think?
Decided on our own to do
a little flourish off the triple, did we?
Look, I knew I had it.
I just felt like it needed a little...
Feeling? We're feeling now?
What are you teaching this boy?
Jimmy!
I sent you a cup of my blood!
Did you get my blood? Jimmy!
Please don't encourage them. Come on.
Move!
They may look cute and innocent
but they're nothing
but a beehive for germs and bacteria.
- Remember the slides I showed you?
- But they're beautiful.
You smell like a winner!
You want to smell like...
- WOMAN: Ladies and gentlemen...
- Jimmy!
- I'll call you!
- ...the judges' scores are:
5.9, 5.9, 6.0,
5.9, 6.0, 5.8.
All right, not bad, not bad.
As long as that 5.8 doesn't kill us.
Hands.
Skittles.
Hey, MacElroy. Was that your routine?
Or a performance
of Cirque du So-lame?
Besides, you're too late.
They already handed out
the girls' medals this morning.
JIMMY: Shut up, Michaels.
That was textbook execution.
Same scores I beat you with in Oslo.
I was on Quaaludes.
I don't even remember Oslo.
But I remember Boston,
and that victory was
as sweet as the cream pie
for which the town was named.
(THE STROKE PLAYING)
Step aside, home school.
There's a new sheriff in town.
MAN: Chazz!
LAMPLEY: There he is. Skating's outlaw,
Chazz Michael Michaels.
SCOTT: This cowboy
is cracking his whip
on the haunch of this crowd,
and they love it!
How do you describe
something like that?
He just uses everything at his disposal.
The movement, the music.
And he just nails the triple Axel!
LAMPLEY: Surfing a tsunami
of swagger right now.
SCOTT: Well, you know
he is sex on ice.
LAMPLEY: Hello, ladies. Typical of
Michaels, it's not enough just to win.
He wants to make love to the crowd.
SCOTT: That's why
those seats are so valuable.
That's what they want
from Chazz Michael Michaels.
(SCREAMING)
(INAUDIBLE)
LAMPLEY: Michaels just
slipped MacElroy a very public note.
You have been called out, sir.
(EXPLOSION)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
You're welcome, Stockholm.
LAMPLEY: Unreal. An instant classic.
SCOTT: Just when you think
you've seen it all,
Chazz Michael Michaels walks in
with the unrated version.
LAMPLEY: The undefeatable underdog,
ice skating's backdoor lover,
Chazz Michael Michaels has come
in here and captivated this arena
like a stack of classic Euro porn.
And so while his scores
are being tabulated,
let's learn a little bit more
about skating's Leather-clad Lothario.
Chazz Michael Michaels,
an ice-devouring sex tornado.
Spawned in the hell-fires of Motown.
CHAZZ: Troubled childhood?
If you call being a nine-year-old kid
with a 35-year-old girlfriend troubled.
LAMPLEY: At age 12,
Chazz escaped a life of
running cigarettes and illegal fireworks
by becoming a star in Detroit's
underground sewer skating scene.
The only skater to win four national
championships and an adult film award,
which is not to say this rough-hewn
heartthrob doesn't have a softer side.
He recently published a book of poetry,
Let Me Put My Poems in You.
Before a big competition,
I like to work with leather.
The Native Americans always said
that working with hides and pelts
releases the soul.
These are a couple of diaper bags
I made for Faith Hill.
LAMPLEY: Two men, only one winner.
Will it be Chazz Michael Michaels?
Personal philosophy: clothing optional.
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
Hope you brought your silver polish,
MacElroy, 'cause that was gold.
That was disgusting.
That, young man,
is how babies are made.
- Get out of my face.
- I'll get inside your face.
Mr. Michael Michaels,
please gather your coach,
family, and friends
and move to the bench
to await your scores.
Hey, traffic cop. Get this straight.
I don't have a coach. I don't need one.
And as for friends and family,
Chazz Michael Michaels walks alone.
That's why they call me the Lone Wolf,
on my back there.
WOMAN: 5.9, 5.9, 6.0...
That's what I'm talking about.
5.9, 6.0...
Another 6.0.
...5.8.
CHAZZ: Was it good for you,
Stockholm?
'Cause it was good for me.
Let's have a smoke.
Eat that, MacElroy.
Those were the same scores
I got, Einstein. We're tied.
You're high.
MAN: Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a tie.
From the United States,
Jimmy MacElroy
and Chazz Michael Michaels.
You're fired.
What? I brought you a gold medal.
No, you brought me half a gold medal.
If I wanted him to share,
I'd have bought him a brother.
LAMPLEY: It's raining men in the
men's singles. Men wearing gold, that is.
And they join Team USA's
other gold medalists,
the pairs team of
Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg.
Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg,
America's brother and sister darlings,
the gold standard
of pairs figure skating.
Children of
beloved Swiss skiing gold medalists,
Otto and Ella Van Waldenberg,
the twin dynamos Stranz and Fairchild
burst out of the womb and onto the ice
while their sister, Katie,
cheered from the sidelines.
Theirs seemed to be a charmed life
until March 14th, 1987
when their parents died tragically
in a car crash.
Katie would survive.
The world wondered, had Stranz
and Fairchild gone into a layback spin
from which they could never recover?
But the siblings' commitment was such
that they were back in the training rink
within hours of the funeral.
So tonight, the crowd cheers on
their beloved Van Waldenbergs.
SCOTT: Well, Stranz and Fairchild,
how heavy is that gold
around your necks?
Scott, this may be solid gold
but to us it's lighter than air
because dreams never weigh you down.
No. Dreams are in your sleep.
What about the amazing
Michaels and MacElroy?
Two gold medals?
Yeah. That's great.
SCOTT: Well, speaking of gold medals,
the winners of the men's singles
are taking their place
at the podium right now.
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
SCOTT: This has to be a proud moment
for Michaels and MacElroy.
You have to think, the only thing
sweeter than winning a gold medal
is sharing it
with your fellow countryman.
Gosh, I'm getting sick.
You smell like
aftershave and taco meat.
Yes, I do. Now scoot over.
Don't touch me. Nobody touches me.
- Just scoot over, man.
- Don't.
- Just scoot over.
- You scoot over.
LAMPLEY: Now there's some jostling
atop the podium
and down goes
Chazz Michael Michaels.
MacElroy still waving to the crowd.
Look, MacElroy's also down now.
SCOTT: I have never in all my years
seen anything
this disgraceful on the world stage.
I am stunned silent,
absolutely silent, Jim.
You get that damned bird out of my face
before I break its neck.
LAMPLEY: A perfect head butt!
Down goes MacElroy!
SCOTT: And Spaetzle's aflame!
Spaetzle! Oh, my God!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(GIRL CRYING)
MAN ON TV: As we prepare to hear
testimony, Michaels and MacElroy
will be given a chance
to defend their actions at Stockholm...
We love you, Jimmy.
Hey. Nancy Kerrigan.
You an official here?
'Cause you have officially given me
a boner.
I'm a sex addict. It's my cross to bear.
It's a real disease with doctors
and medicine and everything.
(GAVEL POUNDING)
EBBERS: Let's get started, shall we?
If either one of you would like
to make a statement
before the commission
passes judgment,
you may do so at this time.
Fans, friends, esteemed members
of the committee,
I don't know what I can say,
but I pray you can all forgive me.
More than that,
I pray the children can forgive me.
Oh, my God.
- I place my future in their tiny hands.
- That is retarded.
God bless you. God bless everyone.
Thank you.
God bless you, Jimmy.
God bless your heart.
Maxim.
Last issue.
"Chazz Michael Michaels
is figure skating."
Boom!
(WOMAN CHEERING)
All right, duly noted.
In accordance with the rules of
the International Skating Federation,
James MacElroy
and Charles Michael Michaels,
you are to be stripped of your medals...
What?
...and banned from men's figure skating
for the remainder of your lives!
Hey, you listen to me, old man!
(PEOPLE CLAMORING)
Oh, that sucks.
Look what you did to my ex-wife!
I'm gonna pop you
in the back of the head.
Banned for life. That's a long time.
Jimmy, it'll all work out.
It's time for a fresh start.
- Yeah, a fresh start. Exactly.
- Good. Jimmy,
- I'm un-adopting you.
- What?
I don't think un-adopting
is the right word.
Legally, I'm disowning you.
But it amounts to the same thing, so...
But I've been your son for 26 years.
Twenty-two, so nobody can say
I didn't try. We've had a good run.
Now, I think it would be best for all of us
if we didn't drag this out. Clean break.
It would make it easier for me, Jimmy,
if you left now.
Wait!
It's like a Band-Aid. Just rip it off.
We'll both feel better.
MAN ON PA: Hey, everybody,
get your tickets for the second show.
Second show tickets now available.
(SINGING) Tra-la-la-la, tra-la-la-la
We sing a grublet song
We love to roam our woodsy home
Of greenery and scenery and song
Tra-la-la-la, tra-la-la-la
A grublet sings along
Oh, God.
(GLASS SHATTERING)
I hate you.
(SIGHS)
I hate my life.
Oh, no! It's the evil wizard!
CHILDREN: Boo!
(LAUGHING)
(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)
(LAUGHING)
(HOT BLOODED PLAYING)
I mean, I had it with skating
for the judges, you know?
Just like, I don't need that.
I mean, for me, it's so much
more satisfying to see the...
The eyes of a small child,
seeing that wonder as they...
They see you skate out there
with a big wizard head on, you know?
Nice. Really nice.
Hey, Sammy, it's not what it looks like.
Sam. Sammy, come on, baby.
You knew this was how I rolled
when you met me.
No. When I met you,
you were a great figure skater.
Now you're getting stoned
with the Woodland Fairies.
I don't even know
who you are any more.
You're living in the past, Sammy.
Come on,
me and the Woodland Fairies,
we're living in the here and now.
And we're feeling so free.
Come on, join us.
(WHOOPING)
Baby. Come on, babe.
Hey, Michaels, let's go. Lace up.
The fog machines are primed.
Second show's
almost three-quarters full.
- You drunk?
- No.
But this ought to do it.
I would fire you
if you weren't so goddamn beautiful
out there.
- You smell like urine.
- A lot?
Get your head on.
They don't feel right.
That's because I'm not finished.
You see, it helps to think of the laces
as belonging to three distinct groups.
First, the foundation.
(GROANING)
They're too tight.
Daddy! He's crushing me.
Doing it right takes a little bit longer,
but it's worth it.
Hey, what are you doing?
She said it's too tight.
Well, but she's wrong.
I mean, who are you gonna trust,
a little girl or Jimmy MacElroy?
- Who the hell is Jimmy MacElroy?
- Is there a problem here, sir?
Yeah, this kid is torturing
my daughter's foot.
I'm so sorry, sir.
You know what, Jimmy? Off the skates,
you're on stockroom duty, now. Let's go.
Hey, Jimmy.
Hector?
What are you doing here?
You know
I have a restraining order against you.
Oh, that thing?
You look great, Jimmy.
You look amazing. Your hair rocks.
Thanks.
You look so good. Oh, my gosh.
Do you look at yourself?
I totally wanna cut off your skin and
wear it to my birthday. It's coming up.
Yeah, listen, it's great to see you,
Hector, but I'm really busy right now.
Okay, all right, I'm sorry.
I'll cut to the chase.
- You gotta start skating again, Jimmy.
- What?
It's embarrassing stalking a has-been,
you know what I mean?
Look, I almost gave up on you.
I started working
with that Ukrainian skater,
you know the one that looks like Elvis?
And I moved to the Ukraine
and it was cold and everyone had guns
and smelled like soup.
I sympathize with you, Hector.
I really do, but there's nothing I can do.
I'm banned for life.
Don't be so sure.
Section 14, paragraph G,
"A lifetime ban is irrevocable
and the banned skater can never again
"compete in any
Federation-sanctioned tournament
"that exists in such a skater's division."
You see? You're only banned
from your division, men's singles!
You can still compete in pairs skating.
Pairs.
How is this possible?
I had so many lawyers work on
so many appeals.
Because nobody can obsess like I can.
Good luck, Jimmy.
And I'm still gonna kill you someday.
Oh, no! It's the evil wizard!
(CHILDREN BOOING)
(LAUGHING)
Hey, little forest creatures.
None of you sons-of-bitches
try to be heroes. You hear me?
(BOTTLE CLINKING)
GARY: (WHISPERING)
Hey, Chazz. Come on.
It's Gary. What are you doing?
Hey, everyone!
This is Gary, the squirrel.
Now listen up.
Gary's been a long-time friend.
We've been skating
for two and a half years.
I remember when we were hanging out
at the bus stop in Tucson,
and Gary said, "I've got a third ball."
(VOMITING)
Damn it. I just threw up in here, people.
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)
That's the reality.
Another layer to the legend.
I am nothing but a human onion.
In fact, we all are. Oh, encore.
(VOMITING)
Ladies and gentlemen, Grublets on Ice
will be cancelled until further notice.
No refunds will be given.
(BOOING)
Bring it on! Let it rain down on me.
There's a loophole. I was banned
from men's singles but not pairs.
I can skate
in the Wintersport Games again.
I knew it. I knew after three years,
you just weren't checking in.
I mean, come on, I moved on, Jimmy.
You gotta move on, too.
But I'm a skater.
There's nothing to move on to,
except for winning the gold again
and keeping it this time.
You know how hard it is
to find a partner?
Even if you did,
you gotta qualify for Nationals.
That's a month away.
I mean, sign-up is in two days.
It can't be that hard. I mean...
Figure skating. Give it up, Jimmy.
It's like a cruel bitch mother.
She'll seduce you
with chocolates and roses
and then kick you to the side of the road
like a dead raccoon.
Forget it. I gotta go.
It's good to see you.
Wait, Coach!
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Jimmy MacElroy?
Another great walking through the halls
of the Grublets.
Welcome to my little production.
If you're here to thank me for firing
Chazz Michaels, it was my pleasure.
Chazz was here?
Yeah, unfortunately,
but it's fantastic that you're here.
And yes, no need to ask,
I'll consider you for a position.
I'm not looking for a job.
I'm actually looking for a female skater
to compete with me at Nationals.
- Are you trying to skater poach?
- No.
You trying to break up my family?
Why don't you get out of here
before I throw down?
Hey, where you going?
Michaels.
MacElroy.
I see you got fat.
I see you still look
like a 15-year-old girl but not hot.
You crushed my dreams.
Dreams? Shit.
I haven't had one of those in years.
Zip it, Chazz. Zip it or I will punch you
in your crap lousy face.
This ends tonight.
It's daytime, you douche.
- Now it's on!
- You're so fat!
Local figure skating fans got more than
they bargained for today
when a children's ice show
was interrupted by a street fight
between two former champions.
Jimmy MacElroy
and Chazz Michael Michaels,
once at the top of the skating world,
picked up today where they left off
more than three years...
(REWINDING)
Fans remember Michaels and MacElroy
as gold medalists who,
in a bizarre turn of events,
became banned from competition
for life.
I had a chance to sit down
with Michaels
and let's just say, he's a complex man.
I'm a sex addict
and I'm attracted to women.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Two men skating together?
That's a riot. That's a laugh riot.
- I don't see what's so funny.
- If you were as drunk as me, you would.
Look, Coach, I know I said
I wanted to skate pairs, but two men?
Even if we wanted to,
they'd never allow it.
But there's nothing in the rule book
that says you can't.
That's not my style.
Chazz Michael Michaels goes it alone.
Okay?
That means no coach and no partner.
Especially not a dude.
Especially not the precious
and pampered Richie Rich.
Would you just shut up? You don't know
what you're talking about.
I know more than you think I know.
Hell, I know more than you know
you know.
No, you don't. You could never keep up
with my flawless technique.
That's why I floored you in '02
and the spring of '99.
Technique doesn't get you 18 medals
and a Kristi Yamaguchi
Lifetime Achievement Award.
- I am figure skating.
- Stop it!
For three years I've been trying to get
over the nightmare you two created.
I wasn't sure I'd ever forget it.
Now maybe underneath all your bullshit,
we can still find something beautiful.
I don't know, Coach.
I mean, I'm really desperate
to win that gold, but...
But what?
How's the partner search coming, kid?
What's so funny, Cool Whip?
You getting a lot of satisfaction
from those $15 hookers?
I am never satisfied. It's a curse.
The registration for the National Finals
closes in exactly 12 hours.
Now let me ask you boys a question.
Do you wanna make history?
No way.
This guy could not hold my jock sweat.
I could hold it all day long. Try me.
- Maybe I will.
- Maybe you should.
You challenging me, Princess?
I'm not inviting you to the Skating
Federation's Annual Christmas Party.
- Then bring it on!
- It is on!
COACH: Good.
We're in agreement then.
- What?
- What?
Welcome back to competitive skating,
gentlemen.
I'll pick you up in the morning.
Little help.
Here we go. Show time.
Stranz. Fairchild. Melissa Kelly, ESPN2.
So, let me ask you,
any thoughts on the competition?
And what does a new gold medal
mean for you?
It doesn't mean as much
as winning America's hearts.
That's very important to us.
Now we haven't seen you
in about three and a half years.
What have you been up to?
Skating.
MELISSA: Now apparently
you're dedicating this performance
to the children of the world.
Sorry.
- COACH: Chazz, fill this out.
- No.
Yes.
I'll get yours, Jimmy.
Who is that girl?
You mean Katie Van Waldenberg?
She's Stranz and Fairchild's sister?
Fairchild's legs and Stranz's ass.
Mind bottling, isn't it?
- Did you just say "mind bottling?"
- Yeah, mind bottling.
You know, when things are so crazy,
it gets your thoughts all trapped,
like in a bottle.
All right, boys.
Let's go do this. Loud and proud.
What are you two doing here?
You know damn well I'm not letting
either of you sign up. They're banned.
I'm not here to sign up
Michaels or MacElroy.
I'm here to sign up the pairs team
of Michaels and MacElroy.
Thank you.
COACH: Now there's
your front page headline.
MELISSA: Jimmy, can you
wave to the fans?
So Jimmy and Chazz together
and no fighting, huh?
Two men skating together
and in our division, no less.
Why, Stranz?
Why is God singling us out
for the greatest suffering
the world has ever known?
I don't know, sis. Those two are nothing
but a couple of freaks.
Yeah, and the media loves freaks.
Makes my blood boil.
And all they're doing is just leeching
the dignity out of our beloved sport.
You know, I'm not a violent person,
but I would like to hold them down
and skate over their throats.
Guys, maybe,
maybe if you concentrate on the skating
people will forget all the hype
and they'll focus
on the purity of the sport
and the spirit of honest competition.
You guys just want to cheat again,
don't you?
- That's a good idea.
- Much better.
Katie, please,
will you just take this camcorder, okay?
I don't know how to turn it on.
Thank you.
No, I'm not spying for you again.
We're just asking you
to discreetly tape their practice routines.
Find someone else.
- What's that, Mother?
- Don't.
You and Father are sad
that you were killed
driving Katie to her ice skating lesson
all those years ago?
Yeah. Me, too.
Remember how they used to be alive?
Papa?
I can't hear you, Papa.
What are you... You're crying?
Still? In heaven? You're still dead?
- Fine, I'll do it.
- Yes.
Now you're playing
for team Van Waldenberg.
All right.
You'll be staying here for the duration.
You're gonna skate as a pair.
You'll live as a pair.
And if you're at all interested
in self-preservation,
you take off your shoes
before you set foot on the Berber.
Why would we step in baby food?
- He's talking about the carpet. Berber?
- What are you? The Rug Doctor?
- Maybe I am.
- I'm the rug master.
- What does that even mean?
- Shut up and take off your damn shoes.
CHAZZ: Bunk beds?
JIMMY: I don't share rooms.
I don't share shit.
The night is a very dark time for me.
It's dark for everyone, moron.
Not for Alaskans or dudes
with night vision goggles.
All right, this is gonna stop right now.
From here on out, you guys are a team.
Do you understand?
You are going to eat together,
sleep together.
You are going to pee together.
You're gonna file
a joint income tax return.
Practice starts now. End of discussion.
I just put those into order.
I need some counter space, too.
- Mane 'n' Tail. Is this horse shampoo?
- Yes, it is.
- Do you use this stuff on your hair?
- Uh-huh.
"For a lustrous coat."
Does this actually work?
You bet your ass it does.
It makes my hair shine like Orion's belt
out on the ice.
And then I brush my hair
(JIMMY EXCLAIMS)
Cool brush.
Not just a brush but a Verticoli.
Handmade in Italy.
They carve it out of illegal whalebone.
They only make 11 of them a year.
This one cost me $12,000
or 30 million lira.
Perfectly balanced, low drag,
minimal torque.
How minimal?
I bet you'd like to know.
Help yourself to the Mane 'n' Tail
all you want,
but don't even look at the Verticoli.
'Cause I will knock your block off.
No exaggeration,
I could not love a human baby
as much as I love this brush.
I call top.
- Sorry, I already called it in my head.
- You can't do that. That doesn't count.
Yes, it does. Get used to it, Jimmy.
You're in Chazz's world now.
CHAZZ: You know what?
I permanently called shotgun.
JIMMY: You do not get shotgun
every time.
What is this place? It smells like fish.
(EXCLAIMS) Sweet.
This ice has not been
properly Zambonied.
- And where's the warm-down room?
- We don't have any of that.
What we got is a cold storage unit
that a buddy of mine let me flood
with a garden hose.
Nice choice, Coach.
Turned out well.
The dance lift, the press lift,
the twist lift,
the side by side jump, the throw jump.
All of these are weapons
in the pairs skaters' arsenal.
And used properly,
they can slay your opponent.
Used improperly,
you can break every bone in your body.
All right, gentlemen, waltz position.
(SIGHS)
You know what, dude,
your hand has to be on top.
No way. The girl's goes on top.
Yeah. Ergo. Chick.
I'm not the girl. I'm stronger.
No, I'm stronger
and don't have a vagina.
You are not stronger.
Watch this, fat ass.
Fat ass?
It doesn't really matter,
it's waltz position.
One guy, you put your, just...
See that?
It's pure pec, bicep, and tricep.
Jimmy, get off your hands.
You're gonna need those later.
Now, come on.
All right.
Okay, you know what?
I can do something cool, too.
Chazz. Chazz.
You think you're so tough. Huh?
I'm not fat. I can do this.
- Chazz, put your skates back on.
- No, it's too late. They're off.
- Look, I'm like lightning.
- Put your skates back on.
What are you doing?
- Yeah. God, that burns.
- JIMMY: Oh, yeah?
Jimmy, you put your clothes on. Jimmy!
- Damn it!
- Watch my Icy Hot Super Slide.
- Do it.
- I will.
It's not gonna matter
'cause you're flat in front like Ken.
(SCREAMING)
You're the girl.
- What?
- You're my pretty lady, MacElroy.
- Wait. Why?
- Because you whine like one!
And no one can lift your fat ass.
You're on a diet, starting now.
- What are you talking about?
- Let's go! Come on!
CHAZZ: Is this about
my muscular, thick thighs?
Could one of you all pass me a biscuit?
You got another five miles,
then you get a LUNA bar.
Come on.
So, Coach, I was thinking
about the music for our routine.
- Really?
- We're gonna skate to one song,
one song only.
Lady Hump by the Black Eyed Peas.
(SINGING) What you gonna do
with all that junk
All that junk inside my trunk
I'm gonna get you, get you drunk
Get you drunk off my lady hump
My hump, my hump
My lovely lady hump
I'm not skating to anything
with references to lady humps.
I don't even know what that means.
No one knows what it means,
but it's provocative.
- No, it's not. It's gross.
- It gets the people going.
That's enough!
Why do you guys keep doing that?
(BEEPING)
You didn't see shit!
- Coach!
- COACH: Shut up!
Throw me some chicken!
Two men.
Together. You're really gonna go
through with this, huh?
Oh, yeah, of course. Why not?
I mean, I need your help.
What do you say?
Look, I'm just a choreographer.
What do I know?
Bring them
by the dance studio tomorrow.
- Great!
- I'm not a magician.
I ain't making no promises.
I'm just saying
that I'm'a do what I can do.
JESSE: Your problem
is your boundaries. That ends today.
Out on my dance floor you won't know
where one man's body ends
and another begins.
Because if you can't dance with a man,
you damn sure can't skate with a man.
All right? So come on, let's go.
Jimmy.
Yeah.
That's what I thought.
That a boy, Jimmy. Come on.
Okay. Break it down.
Show me what you got.
Okay. That's a start. That is a start.
You're tensing your face.
If you tense your face,
you're gonna make it harder
for yourselves.
Just enable...
(GROANING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Rewind it.
I wanna see his head bang down again.
(FAIRCHILD EXCLAIMING)
No. No, no.
You act right or you leave my studio.
Beautiful butterfly into a prayer.
Nice into...
Let them get it out. Let them get it out.
Chazz, release to Jimmy.
Easy, see? Release...
(GROANS)
- Yes.
- No. No.
COACH: You nailed it!
Yes, I did. See that? Pure power.
You could use a nickel's worth, junior.
Maybe if you released me
at that quarter-turn,
I wouldn't have to save your ass
with my landing.
It's called improvisation.
Even your precious Kenny G does it.
Well, at least they're getting
the moves down.
Yeah, but can they do it in front of
five judges and 30 million people?
(CHAZZ AND JIMMY ARGUING)
LAMPLEY: Denver, Colorado,
last stop on the road
to the World Wintersport Games
in Montreal.
The finest skaters from all over
the country have trained tirelessly,
for years for their chance
to make it onto the world stage.
But all those stories
have been eclipsed now
by what many dub
the Sideshow of the Century.
The male-male pair of Jimmy MacElroy
and Chazz Michael Michaels.
The anxiety was palpable
when they arrived this morning
as the skating community
continued to voice its outrage.
Those two are turning this sport
into a freak show.
As if figure skating
wasn't gay enough already.
Let me show you something.
Does that look right to you?
Nothing in here about two men skating.
That blonde chick's a dude? Oh, man.
LAMPLEY: Now let's join Stranz
and Fairchild Van Waldenberg
as they wind up their routine,
an edgy look at urban culture
told in the language of the streets.
(MARKY MARK SINGING
GOOD VIBRATIONS)
SCOTT: And boy, look at them!
They are really having fun with this.
LAMPLEY: The bling is king. This pair
is willing the crowd into a frenzy.
Come on! Come on!
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
SCOTT: Wow! Flawless, as always.
LAMPLEY: These two blue-eyed funk
machines are going to find themselves
popping and locking their way
to the championship in Montreal.
SCOTT: And those
good vibrations seem
to have spread all the way
through this arena.
What, what!
You guys are up.
SCOTT: And now the moment
this crowd has been waiting for.
And how is this going to work?
Completely different skaters,
known to be enemies of one another,
combining to be the first male-male
pair team in the history of the sport.
LAMPLEY: Either the locked-in
technical style of MacElroy
will not mesh
with Michaels' improvisations
or they create great music together
and reinvent the sport
in their own image.
(PERSON WHISTLING)
(MEN LAUGHING)
They're laughing at us.
They laughed at Louis Armstrong when
he said he was gonna go to the moon.
Now he's up there laughing at them.
(I DON'T WANT TO MISS A THING
PLAYING)
SCOTT: Well, they titled this routine
"Fire and Ice."
They've always been that way
as competitors, as individuals
and now as a pair team?
So appropriate.
LAMPLEY: So far, so good.
SCOTT: Their first move's so difficult.
Throw triple Axel.
LAMPLEY: First throw.
Man down.
SCOTT: What an unbelievably
disastrous beginning to this routine!
I've never fallen once in competition.
Come on. Take my hand.
We can do this.
LAMPLEY: And they're up.
CHAZZ: Come on, Denver,
get off your asses!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Let's go!
SCOTT: And the crowd responds.
It's the first time they've shown them
any level of support.
Side by side double Axels!
Beautifully delivered!
(AUDIENCE WHOOPING)
And again, a male-male pair team.
They're doing things
that no other pair would dare to do.
Incredible!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
So many moves in this programme
I've never heard of before.
Yes!
Unbelievable finish
to an incredible routine!
And they've won this crowd over!
Yes!
This might be enough
to send them to Montreal
as the first male-male representatives
this sport has ever seen.
History in the making.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
(EXPLOSIONS)
Yeah!
(WHOOPS)
We love you, Denver!
City by the bay! John Denver!
- Was the fire really necessary?
- Ask them.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
- That's what I'm talking about!
- I'm so proud of you. Good job.
What up, homes?
You guys were great out there.
Thanks. I'm Jimmy.
I know. Katie.
I know.
I like your buttons.
CHAZZ: Jimmy, come on.
The scores are up.
- Good luck.
- You, too.
Did you see that?
They were actually pretty good.
Yeah, they were really good. Way to go.
None of what they did
was on your video.
That's all right.
Let's not let them get into our heads.
Into our head?
Not only did we embarrass Marky Mark,
we let down the Funky Bunch.
MAN: ...5.9, 5.9, 5.8, 6.0!
- Yes! Yes!
- Oh, my gosh!
We're going to Montreal, bitch!
(EXCLAIMS)
Well, it's all smiles
here in the Crest kiss and cry area.
You're the guys everybody's
talking about. How does it feel?
You know, we're just so grateful
for this wonderful opportunity
to be out here on the ice again...
Michaels and MacElroy are a freight
train from hell, okay?
We're going straight up
the ass of the competition, Scott.
(WHOOPING)
I'm not gonna say wow, but wow!
They got by on 97 percent adrenaline
and three percent bullshit.
If they wanna take home the gold,
they gotta do something spectacular.
Robert, I know where this is going.
How many times
do you have to make the same mistake?
Till I get it right.
You gotta trust me, Jesse.
I'm not gonna spend the rest of my life
in a cage of fear.
Top of the morning. And it is a beaut.
Do you mind? I'm trying to eat here.
Just thought you'd like to see
what a skater's body really looks like.
Go ahead, drink it in. Don't be shy.
Looking's for free.
Touching's gonna cost you something.
Checking out my ink?
Some people refer to me
as the Illustrated Man.
Each tattoo tells a different tale.
They're like chapters of my life.
Really? So, what's that one about?
That one represents the dragon lady.
You might know her as Michelle Kwan.
That's Michelle Kwan, most decorated
figure skater in US history?
- You tapped that?
- Sure did.
But perfection can drive a woman mad.
She was ready to quit,
hang up her skates
settle down and pop out
a few little Chazzlings.
I couldn't let her do it, not the way I roll.
So, what's that one with the horse?
My blonde Ukrainian she-devil.
Not Oksana Baiul?
At 16, she won the gold, turned pro,
and was named one of Barbara Walters'
most fascinating persons of 1994.
Yeah. But don't let her fool you.
She's as cold as the ice she skates on.
She's like dry ice.
Wait. She's colder than that.
- What's colder than dry ice?
- I don't know.
I'll tell you what is. Oksana.
What about that one on your shoulder?
Who's that?
That one? It's nothing.
What about you? You got any tats?
I had my face painted
at the Blueberry Festival one year.
Seems about right.
Well, I could have one.
I could have a killer one.
I have a crush on the enemy,
Katie Van Waldenberg.
Good choice, my man.
Yeah. How's that for forbidden love?
I have no idea, but I'd like to find out.
- Wait. What are you doing?
- I'm calling her. Or rather, you are.
- I can't do that. It's crazy.
- It's not crazy.
What am I supposed to say?
- No, you can't. I can't.
- It's ringing. Go.
(RINGING)
- Sorry.
- Maybe it's Nike.
Van Waldenberg Companies.
Talk. Relax.
Hi. It's Jimmy MacElroy. Is Katie there?
It's MacElroy, for her.
What? For me? Why?
- I can't do it.
- I'll coach you. Get on the phone.
Stranz?
KATIE: Hello?
Okay. "Yo. It's the Mac attack.
What up?"
Yo. Hi. It's the Mac attack. What up?
Okay. Say, "Oh, my, you're just
catching me getting out of the shower."
- Sell yourself.
- Will you be quiet?
You know, you just caught me
getting out of the shower.
- She just got out of the shower.
- Oh, me likey.
- I have to call her back. This is so rude.
- No! Are you insane?
- She's gonna hear you.
- Get back on the phone. Say, "Shower?
"I gotta get me one of those
'cause I just got back from the gym
"doing my squat thrusts."
I gotta...
Yeah, shower. I need one of those
'cause I just got back from the gym
doing my squat thrusts.
"Squat thrusts must be hard, real hard."
Squat thrusts are hard.
- "Real hard."
- Real hard.
"They're hard, all right. But it's worth it
to get a sweet burn deep in your thigh."
It's worth it to get a deep burn
in my sweet thighs.
"You know
how you can soothe a nasty burn?
"Pour some sweet cream on it."
Do you know
what you can do for a burn?
Pour sweet cream on it.
Oh, my God, you've bagged a wild lynx.
Okay, say, "Sounds to me like
your cream needs to be whipped",
and then go...
I was wondering if you wanted
to get a snow cone sometime?
What?
Yeah. I would like to get a snow cone.
I haven't had a snow cone
in a couple of years, actually.
No, you have to be sexy.
Say you want a snow boner.
Snow boner.
It will
"get me time to get my jugs waxed."
Okay. Well, I'll see you.
What happened? What's the word?
Oh, my God!
Nice lift.
All right, listen up. You guys barely
squeaked by at Nationals.
How are we gonna compete
against teams
that have been doing this for years?
There's only one way.
Okay. What do you guys have
that none of the other teams have?
- Twin dongs?
- Exactly.
We have to do something
that only two men can do together.
Something never seen before.
Jesse, put in the tape.
Come on. Put in the tape, Jesse.
Thank you.
Jimmy, I never told you this before,
but I used to coach pairs.
I was on track
to head up the Olympic squad.
I wanted it badly,
so I developed a move.
A move the likes of which the world
had never seen before.
A move so revolutionary, so dangerous
that it would have catapulted the team
that stuck it straight to the top.
And like many revolutionary ideas,
it just scared the shit
out of the establishment.
So I quit.
And I took it to the one place on earth
batshit crazy enough to give it a try.
North Korea.
Of course.
Behind the Bamboo Curtain, they call it
"The Iron Lotus."
(MAN SPEAKING IN KOREAN)
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
COACH: Look at the grace, the beauty.
They almost have it, until...
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
Oh, my gosh.
(MAN CHATTERING IN KOREAN)
Okay.
What do you say, let's give it a try?
- Are you nuts?
- What? That's crazy.
Come on, what are you talking about?
See, after all these years,
I know what went wrong.
The physics were off.
It was a man and a woman,
that's why it didn't work.
You're two men. You should be fine.
Be warned.
The Iron Lotus demands your respect.
She has no time for lone wolves, Chazz.
Jimmy, you've gotta be willing
to improvise.
You two are the last pieces
of the puzzle.
Go on! Fit them together!
(SHUDDERING)
COACH: Keep your speed up.
Keep it up!
Jimmy! Don't let your legs buckle!
Come on, Chazz, focus! Focus!
(GROANS)
My nut-sack!
You gotta be careful, man.
Unlike you, I actually use these things.
Oh, yeah? Well...
Well, well, yeah, you're right.
I'll try to be more careful next time.
Sorry.
Look, I didn't mean to drag your balls
into the discussion.
That was uncalled for.
They're fine, I overreacted.
All right, gentlemen,
let's get up and try it again.
(COACH CLAPS)
Let's do this.
JIMMY: This was my favorite place
growing up.
By the way, you look really nice.
Oh, really?
I like your glitter-tooth necklace thing.
Oh, thanks.
Foy, can I have another blue one?
You guys were so good at Nationals,
it scared my brother and sister.
- They wanted me to spy on you.
- Really?
Is that why you're going out
with me right now?
No!
Really.
I don't care if they win.
I don't care about skating at all.
I mean, really,
what's so great about skating, anyway?
It's basically just gliding,
trying not to fall,
with a couple of jumps thrown in, right?
And Spandex and glitter. Egos.
Ice blows.
Sorry.
But it's not the ice.
It's what the ice lets you do.
Out there, I feel like I can do anything.
It's the only place
where life makes sense.
You've never skated?
When I was a kid, a little.
But my brother and sister
don't like anyone to steal their focus.
My life was nothing but focus.
You know what I got
for my tenth birthday?
A six-pack of protein shakes
and a subscription to Men's Health.
I didn't have a tenth birthday.
My sister told all my friends
I was in jail for armed robbery.
When I was nine, my dad insisted
on having me circumcised
to minimize wind resistance.
While driving me to skating practice,
my parents were in a fatal accident.
My brother and sister
blame me for their death
and they force me to work for them
like a slave.
Wow.
I never really thought of that
as a romantic story before.
So, how'd it go with your lady?
Carve up any ice with your wiener?
All right, ladies, tea party's over.
We got two days till Montreal.
I wanna see an Iron Lotus.
(SIGHS)
COACH: Okay, try it again.
You're gonna kill him! Watch the blade!
Come on!
(PUFFING)
Try it again!
One more. I'm really close.
LAMPLEY: Hello,
and welcome, everyone,
to the Orbitz World Wintersport Games
here in beautiful Montreal, Canada.
The world turns its eyes
now to this frozen sanctuary
as the globe's finest athletes
arrive to compete
and to revel in the glory that is sport.
And so, now we are honored
to bring you the wonder, pageantry,
and spectacle of these,
the 20th World Wintersport Games.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Didn't you once say, and I quote,
"Jimmy MacElroy
is a lifeless robot on the ice"?
- He would never say such a...
- Yes, I did.
But I was referring
to the precision and beauty of robots.
If they'd published
the rest of the quote...
They did publish the rest of your quote.
You go on to say,
"I've had lint at the top of my ass crack
"with more personality
than that Daddy's boy." End quote.
All right,
Mr. Smart Reporter, showing off.
You figured out how to work
the Google on the Internet machine.
Well, here's a new quote for you,
all right?
Chazz Michaels and Jimmy MacElroy
are figure skating. Boom!
Boom!
Jimmy! Has pairs skating
helped your popularity?
Absolutely.
I have the best fans in the world.
I mean,
we have the best fans in the world.
(SPEAKING IN JAPANESE)
No, that's in the other room.
(SPEAKING IN JAPANESE)
(ALL CHATTERING)
Boom.
CHAZZ: Nice.
Great! Press loves them,
and now so do the sponsors.
Stranz!
So, Katie, it looks like your date
went really well the other night, huh?
What? I guess so. Why?
No reason. I was just wondering
how it went. Did it go well?
- Yeah, we had snow cones...
- Oh, that's so great.
We want you to turn your attention
to Chazz now.
What?
MacElroy's heart is like
a beautiful apple that's in your hand
and now you need to bite it.
- Nothing breaks up a team faster than...
- Herpes.
Jealousy.
No. I'm not gonna make
Chazz Michael Michaels
fall in love with me.
Who's talking about love?
We just want you to have sex with him.
What? No!
I am not gonna have sex with Chazz.
Come on, Katie.
Do the honorable thing here.
The honorable thing is to walk away
and that is exactly what I'm doing.
Okay. Stranz, let her go. It's okay.
She's made up her mind.
We'll just move on to Plan B.
- What's Plan B?
- I'm sorry, don't worry about that.
You stood your ground. Good for you.
We respect that.
But if something should happen
to your new boyfriend's leg,
I don't know, under his knee,
or above his ankle?
At least you did the honorable thing.
- Where're you going?
- Sex addicts meeting.
- "Turn weakness into strength."
- Good for you.
Thanks, brother man.
Have a good night.
See ya!
(SQUEAKING)
This must be for you.
TAYLOR: So glad you're all here.
Okay, let's get started.
Chazz, would you like
to start the day off by sharing?
I was just trying to find some peace.
A haven,
a place where I could feel safe.
And then what happened?
Well, she was my yoga instructor.
So I knew she was limber.
But, Chazz, you realize this would just
set you back
and further hurt your progress
in maintaining control over your libido,
correct?
Yes. Thank you, Taylor.
Definitely.
Until her friend, a massage therapist,
walked in the door naked.
Easy, Chazz.
With a big bottle of canola oil
and a monkey who was trained
to work on a video camera.
And she rocked my world.
Guys!
Chazz, I have asked you to leave before
and I don't wanna do it again.
Taylor, come on, man.
Let's just move on.
Who'd like to talk about Chlamydia?
Syphilis, gonorrhea, et cetera.
Should we...
Hi. I'm sorry I'm late. I was
having sex. A lot.
Welcome. Welcome.
Why don't you go ahead
and introduce yourself?
I know her.
I'm Katie.
And?
Oh, and I'm a sex addict.
Hi, Katie.
Hey, Katie.
Wow, so, you're a sex addict, too.
Sex, sex, sex. What can I say?
Right. Right. I mean, you said it all.
It's such a burden.
I mean, people don't realize what
we go through on a day-to-day basis.
Why don't you come to my room tonight
and we can comfort each other?
Come on, people, break it up!
God grant me the serenity not
to have sex with my friend's girlfriend
the courage to go home tonight without
having sex with my friend's girlfriend
and the wisdom
to know that masturbation
is sometimes
the most sensible solution.
Yeah. Okay.
(LET'S GET IT ON
PLAYING ON STEREO)
Oh, sweet Jesus.
You're right on time. Come in.
Would you like some champagne?
No, I can't, I...
Actually I just came by 'cause
I had something I had to say to you.
What?
Do you have a bathrobe or a parka
you could...
Sorry. I'm hot.
Wouldn't you feel more comfortable
saying what you need to say
from the bed?
Probably not.
It's a Posturepedic.
Well, then, in that case,
it's good for my back,
so might as well try it.
Okay, here it goes.
I know that sex,
I know that sex addiction is a disease.
Oh, God, they feel so good.
Oh, God, this is so wrong.
Jimmy's my friend.
I'm not gonna do this.
Wait. Do you really mean that?
Yes, I think so. No.
Yes, I do. I do.
I can't go through with this.
Thank God.
- Oh, God, what a relief.
- Yeah.
He's got a heart of gold.
(EXCLAIMS)
(STUTTERING) You sex demon!
You, you sex fiend!
No, you got it all wrong.
Impure! Impure!
- Jimmy, wait!
- Hey, wait! Brother man!
- Nothing happened!
- Jimmy!
Wait! Jimmy!
- Get away!
- Jimmy! No!
Damn it.
Come on, pick up. Come on, buddy.
ANSWERING MACHINE:
Hey, it's Jimmy.
If you can dream it, you can do it.
Jimmy, it's me, Chazz.
Look, what happened back there,
so not a big deal.
Just think of it as like a boob handshake
between me and your lady's...
Look, that's not coming out right.
I'll explain it. Call me back, please.
It's me, Chazz.
CHAZZ: I'm committed to this thing
called friendship.
And I ain't going nowhere.
And if you think I'm going anywhere,
you're wrong. You know why?
Because I will not back down, ever!
I've won a lot of radio contests,
because I refused to get off the line!
(BEEPING)
If we went to a Halloween party dressed
as Batman and Robin, I'd go as Robin.
That's how much you mean to me.
That was stupid that I said that.
You know what? No.
I don't think that's stupid.
I'm glad that I said that.
(BEEPING)
Hey, turd-face, guess what?
I've taken every single one
of your teddy bears,
and I've stuffed them down my pants.
(BEEPING)
Hey, yikes. Sorry.
(BEEPING)
For about a month,
my urine smelled like marshmallows.
(BEEPING)
(SINGING) Don't wanna close my eyes
Don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I miss you Jimmy
And I don't wanna miss a thing
So call me back now!
(PHONE RINGING)
ANSWERING MACHINE: It's Jimmy.
If you can dream it, you can do it.
Hey, it's me again. Jimmy, please,
call me back, so I can explain.
Hey!
Wow! Nice work.
Somebody got busy in a big way.
Scene of the crime.
For your information,
I didn't have sex with Chazz.
Fine. "Make love." Whatever.
I didn't sleep with Chazz.
- What?
- But congratulations!
- I feel as slimy as if I had.
- Where do you think you're going?
To make this right!
Jimmy needs to know the truth!
You would do that to your own family?
Don't give me that guilt trip.
After all we've done for you?
After all you did to Mom and Dad?
Mom and Dad
were not wearing their seatbelts
and they made
an improper left-hand turn.
Come on, Katie, don't go.
We love you and stuff.
Look, it's up to us, okay?
We are forced to take Michaels and
MacElroy out of play, no matter what.
That might require some bad behavior.
LAMPLEY: Hello,
and welcome to day three
of the Orbitz World Wintersport Games.
The best Chinese and Russian pairs
have fallen away,
setting up
the ultimate gold medal showdown.
Just two pairs remain. Both American.
Both hell-bent on reaching the top.
SCOTT: And it's come down to this.
Tonight, they leave it all on the ice.
The big story here is
the men's pairs figure skating team
of Michaels and MacElroy.
These same-gendered sensations
have taken
center ice in the hearts of
millions of skating fans everywhere.
They've literally taken this sport
by storm.
(PHONE RINGING)
Jimmy.
Jimmy's here at the arena, you ass.
He's been staring at a pack of gum
for nine hours. What'd you do to him?
I'm on my way.
Taxi!
World Wintersport Games.
And yes, I am Chazz Michael Michaels.
- Hey, Stranz.
- Hi.
WOMAN: Skaters, please clear the ice
in preparation for the pairs competition.
(WOMAN SPEAKING IN FRENCH
ON PA)
Thank you so much.
Oh, my gosh. Can you...
Sorry, Chazz. Nothing personal.
Actually, it's quite the opposite.
See, your days of
stealing the spotlight are over.
(CHUCKLES)
(CHAZZ GRUNTING)
You crazy bastard!
Damn it.
(GROANING)
What are you doing?
You are evil. Pure evil!
Your whole family's evil! Your brother.
And most of all, your sister.
Don't even think about putting us
in the same league.
If she was half the woman I was,
she would have done her job
and slept with your partner
like I told her to.
- She didn't?
- No.
She couldn't, because of you.
I don't get it.
Gross. Get me out of here!
Somebody help me!
Whoever invented rope
was a real a-hole.
I'm late, sis.
My hair is just not cooperating.
Oh, crap.
Okay.
Who's gonna save you now, Chazz?
Is Little Lord MacElroy gonna come
and meet you down here?
Oh, great.
Hey, there!
What are you doing there?
No. Wait, wait. It's okay. No.
Stranger danger! Stranger danger!
No, please!
(GRUNTING)
Let's do it, Chazz!
All right, Stranz.
Time for a little Chazzle Dazzle.
(EXCLAIMS)
Beautiful.
I'm coming, Chazz.
(BOYS GRUNTING)
(HORN BLARING)
(MAN SCREAMING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(WOMAN SPEAKING IN FRENCH
ON PA)
Give me your hand.
- I won't hurt you.
- I'm coming for you, Chazz!
Damn it, Stranz.
Have you seen Jimmy?
I can't find him anywhere.
Oh, yeah. He was here a minute ago.
And if you find him, would you tell him
to get his ass down here?
I really appreciate this.
That man who's chasing us
is trying to kill me. So, thanks.
(WOMEN EXCLAIMING)
(GRUNTING)
Who are you supposed to be anyway?
Rod Serling?
JFK.
- It's gonna make sense.
- No, no, no. It'll be fine. Yeah.
That's lame.
Try to get through that!
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
Don't make me kill her.
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
Snowflake!
(GRUNTING)
(CRASHING)
(CHUCKLING)
ANNOUNCER: From the United States,
the pairs team of
Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg.
LAMPLEY: So, the favorites,
Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg
now taking the ice.
SCOTT: As Marilyn Monroe and JFK,
they'll be dramatizing
a forbidden romance, Jim.
JFK: I take pride in the words,
"Ich bin ein Berliner!"
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
(PANTING)
WOMAN: Calling for preparation on ice
of the United States team
of Michaels and MacElroy.
SCOTT: Well, that was
an interesting take on American history.
LAMPLEY: Indeed.
I think it's worth noting,
the fantastic attention to detail
this pair has demonstrated.
An absolutely seamless use of props
integrated into choreography,
that is both physically impressive
and artistically moving.
A rare ballet of ice and history.
And those scores keep Stranz
and Fairchild in first place,
but Michaels and MacElroy are up next.
Coach! Coach! Did I make it in time?
Where's Chazz?
Where the hell you been?
Your partner's not here in 30 seconds,
I have to disqualify you.
I know, I know.
We're finished. Done. That's it. It's over.
Damn it. Just like that.
Coach, he'll be here.
(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)
MAN: Skaters to the ice.
Twenty seconds to disqualification.
SCOTT: Jimmy MacElroy stands alone
at center ice.
And you have to wonder
what is going on.
LAMPLEY: Well, this is
Rice without Montana.
Ali without Frazier.
Han Solo without Chewbacca.
CHAZZ: Jimmy!
Hey, Jimmy! Jimmy!
Chazz!
Hey, I didn't sleep with Katie!
- I know!
- We didn't even get to second base.
Well, maybe I did.
What I felt in my pants
was weird and shameful.
Okay, we can discuss that later!
You kind of have to be down here
right now
or we're gonna be disqualified!
Katie is not a whore!
Okay, I get it! Just stop talking!
Okay! Okay!
- MAN: Skaters to the ice.
- Hold on!
Ten seconds to disqualification.
Wow.
(PEOPLE GROANING)
(WHOOPING)
Yeah!
LAMPLEY: Wow! A dramatic entrance
for Chazz Michael Michaels.
I'm okay!
I'm all right!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
I'm okay.
LAMPLEY: And there's another
unique Michaels skill.
Out of his clothes in a hurry
when he has to.
And women's skating champion
Sasha Cohen
catches Michaels' jock strap.
I love you, Chazz!
(SCREAMING)
- I made it.
- I knew you would.
Let's capture the dream.
Capture the... I love it.
Where'd you come up with that?
- I have no idea where I came up with it.
- Cool.
- Let's kick some ice.
- Okay.
LAMPLEY: Well, Scott, the boys seem to
be using a science fiction theme tonight.
Fitting, considering these two men
may very well be the future of the sport.
Well, I'll tell you something, Jim.
SCOTT: It's like these two men did
beam in from outer space,
to flip this sport inside out.
(FLASH GORDON THEME PLAYING)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
The lights are on and so is this crowd.
A Mr. Roboto to start the routine.
And they hit it beautifully!
LAMPLEY: Everything they do
is drenched in drama.
(BLADES CLASHING)
Side-by-side skate clashes.
SCOTT: And more sparks!
Look at the athleticism here!
No other pair in the world could do this!
LAMPLEY: Fireworks display
in Montreal.
SCOTT: Incredible.
What are you doing?
We're freestyling.
You're the steak, I'm the sizzle.
We didn't practice that.
Do it for Katie.
Burn up the ice with your red hot love.
SCOTT: Michaels and MacElroy
turn up the thermostat.
These guys put the "bone" in Zamboni.
It's over.
All the endorsements, everything gone.
Oh, my God, I can't get a real job.
It'll kill me.
God, I have to do everything
in this family.
(GROANS)
LAMPLEY: A serious stumble
in an otherwise perfect routine.
Perfection's what they need if
they want to beat Stranz and Fairchild.
- I think I broke my ankle.
- What?
I'm gonna put some weight on it to see.
(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
LAMPLEY: I don't know, Scott.
I'm not sure, interpretive dance moves
are gonna win these judges over.
- What the hell are they doing?
- Something's wrong.
I can't do the Lotus
with a shattered ankle.
I'm just a man, for God's sake.
We'll switch places.
I swear to God, if you cut my head off.
They're going for the Iron Lotus,
in reverse.
My God.
This is happening all over again.
LAMPLEY: They're picking up speed
for something spectacular.
SCOTT: Looks like
they might be trying something
I have never seen done.
It is the fabled Iron Lotus.
No! Don't do it! I was wrong!
It's suicide!
(AUDIENCE SCREAMING)
SCOTT: And they nail it!
Unbelievable performance!
This crowd is going wild!
They're on their feet!
LAMPLEY: I never thought I'd see it with
my own eyes, the fabled Iron Lotus!
A historic event here in Montreal.
Michaels and MacElroy
have brought the legend to life.
Scott, I seem to have wet my pants.
Chazz, Chazz. We did it!
- Did we win?
- I don't know.
I think I see the Virgin Mary.
No. That's not her.
(CHAZZ GROANING)
We got you, Mr. Michaels. Let's go.
CHAZZ: Oh, I don't wanna die.
NURSE: You'll be okay.
- I don't wanna die.
- Take a huff of that. Here we go.
I'm gonna have to cut your pants off.
Okay, but start up near the crotch.
That's a better access point.
You were incredible.
Really?
I thought my landing was all bad...
You've been practicing.
Chazz taught me some stuff.
Uh-oh.
Stranz Van Waldenberg.
You're under arrest for the desecration
of an international icon.
Snowflake.
- It was her idea. She broke his ankle!
- What?
You idiot!
I hate you.
Come on now. Let's get out of here.
CHAZZ: And that's why
I was a sex addict.
Because no one ever loved me.
But I learned something here today.
That ice doesn't belong here.
It belongs out there.
Out on the ice in an ice rink.
I never had a father, okay?
But I don't care!
Because now I've got a brother.
This is my brother!
And this is my brother's new girlfriend.
And she is not a whore.
I'm in a lot of pain.
I feel like I'm gonna barf.
Chazz, they got to get you to a hospital.
Come on.
No. And miss the smell of sweet gold?
Not on your life.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Thank you.
Jimmy, you did it!
The gold medal, baby! You did it!
I wanna wear the gold medal, naked.
Thank you.
I've got something I wanna show you.
I had it done last weekend.
That's you,
the wolf that runs with the Lone Wolf.
So that the Lone Wolf
never has to be alone again.
That's how much you mean to me, bro.
You were drunk when you got it,
weren't you?
Yes. Absolutely hammered.
- Welcome to the pack.
- Thanks.
Let's get outta here.
- Now?
- Yeah.
(BLADES OF GLORY PLAYING)
HECTOR: (SOFTLY) USA!
The gold medal has been won
by Jimmy and Chazz,
thanks to Hector's idea!
We did it, Hector!
Boom! We sure did.
Thank you, Hector. He did it for us.
Where is Hector?
Here I am, guys. We did it. High-fives.
Cool. Way to go, guys. Gold medal.
You guys are the best. Hey, Jimmy?
Yeah, Hector?
Can you give me a time-out here
with Chazz?
Yeah, sure. Are you crying?
No. I'm fine.
Okay. I'll go over here. Sandwich.
Hey. Chazz?
What is it? Boom.
I just wanna say
you guys are partners now.
I've been friends with him forever,
and you take good care of him.
I will. Boom.
He just, he loves food.
And he likes dreams and whispers
and his favorite movie is Short Circuit
and Fried Green Tomatoes.
And just watch over him. All right?
I will. Boom.
You have my word. High-five.
God bless you.
Sweet. Jimmy, you can come back.
What you guys were talking about?
Just stuff, you know.
Hey, guys, you're amazing.
I just wanna say keep dreaming
because there's a lot of dreams
to be had.
USA.
USA.
Ayam Brand Vista Studio Inc. 2007
I'll take him.
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
(SONG CONTINUES)
LAMPLEY: Jimmy MacElroy.
The crowd swooning
as he comes out of that spin flawlessly.
SCOTT: They are giving him the love
and he is giving it right back.
Here it comes.
And he nails it!
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
It's the best he's been.
LAMPLEY: Now there's the arm.
And you know what that means.
SCOTT: Yes. The galloping peacock.
And look at him getting air on that.
Flawless. Just textbook perfection.
There are very few women
in the history of this sport
that skate with this kind of beauty.
Come on, Jimmy. Nail it!
Ending the programme
showing his flexibility.
What a great effort!
(MUSIC STOPS)
He couldn't skate any better than that.
The performance of a lifetime,
Jimmy MacElroy!
LAMPLEY: Elegant with
machine-like technical precision.
SCOTT: And there it is.
So important to remember that
that dove was in his suit the whole time.
LAMPLEY: Jimmy's renowned
for his personal hygiene, Scott.
But after that performance,
he's starting to reek of gold.
While the judges decide Jimmy's fate,
let's take a look
at this exceptional young skater.
He is a child of privilege.
A classic skater defined
by elegance, precision
and an ability to endure great pain.
He was plucked from an orphanage
at age four
by billionaire champion-maker,
Darren MacElroy.
Once a breeder of some of the most
successful racehorses in the world,
Darren had turned his attention
to nurturing athletically advanced
human orphans.
His ultimate find came in the form
of skating wunderkind, Jimmy.
I guess I had a pretty normal childhood.
LAMPLEY:
With his father's state of the art,
some say questionable,
training methods,
this child prodigy
was forged into an ber skater.
Soon, Jimmy was sweeping the gold
while his trademark Jimmy curl
was sweeping the nation,
with kids of all ages fashion drafting
right behind their idol.
A champion, an icon, a giver.
Jimmy MacElroy,
skating's Little Orphan Awesome.
(MAN WHOOPING)
- Well, Coach?
- You nailed it, Jimmy. You nailed it.
You nailed it shut.
Every move exactly like I showed you.
I am so proud of you.
Thanks. Dad, what'd you think?
Decided on our own to do
a little flourish off the triple, did we?
Look, I knew I had it.
I just felt like it needed a little...
Feeling? We're feeling now?
What are you teaching this boy?
Jimmy!
I sent you a cup of my blood!
Did you get my blood? Jimmy!
Please don't encourage them. Come on.
Move!
They may look cute and innocent
but they're nothing
but a beehive for germs and bacteria.
- Remember the slides I showed you?
- But they're beautiful.
You smell like a winner!
You want to smell like...
- WOMAN: Ladies and gentlemen...
- Jimmy!
- I'll call you!
- ...the judges' scores are:
5.9, 5.9, 6.0,
5.9, 6.0, 5.8.
All right, not bad, not bad.
As long as that 5.8 doesn't kill us.
Hands.
Skittles.
Hey, MacElroy. Was that your routine?
Or a performance
of Cirque du So-lame?
Besides, you're too late.
They already handed out
the girls' medals this morning.
JIMMY: Shut up, Michaels.
That was textbook execution.
Same scores I beat you with in Oslo.
I was on Quaaludes.
I don't even remember Oslo.
But I remember Boston,
and that victory was
as sweet as the cream pie
for which the town was named.
(THE STROKE PLAYING)
Step aside, home school.
There's a new sheriff in town.
MAN: Chazz!
LAMPLEY: There he is. Skating's outlaw,
Chazz Michael Michaels.
SCOTT: This cowboy
is cracking his whip
on the haunch of this crowd,
and they love it!
How do you describe
something like that?
He just uses everything at his disposal.
The movement, the music.
And he just nails the triple Axel!
LAMPLEY: Surfing a tsunami
of swagger right now.
SCOTT: Well, you know
he is sex on ice.
LAMPLEY: Hello, ladies. Typical of
Michaels, it's not enough just to win.
He wants to make love to the crowd.
SCOTT: That's why
those seats are so valuable.
That's what they want
from Chazz Michael Michaels.
(SCREAMING)
(INAUDIBLE)
LAMPLEY: Michaels just
slipped MacElroy a very public note.
You have been called out, sir.
(EXPLOSION)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
You're welcome, Stockholm.
LAMPLEY: Unreal. An instant classic.
SCOTT: Just when you think
you've seen it all,
Chazz Michael Michaels walks in
with the unrated version.
LAMPLEY: The undefeatable underdog,
ice skating's backdoor lover,
Chazz Michael Michaels has come
in here and captivated this arena
like a stack of classic Euro porn.
And so while his scores
are being tabulated,
let's learn a little bit more
about skating's Leather-clad Lothario.
Chazz Michael Michaels,
an ice-devouring sex tornado.
Spawned in the hell-fires of Motown.
CHAZZ: Troubled childhood?
If you call being a nine-year-old kid
with a 35-year-old girlfriend troubled.
LAMPLEY: At age 12,
Chazz escaped a life of
running cigarettes and illegal fireworks
by becoming a star in Detroit's
underground sewer skating scene.
The only skater to win four national
championships and an adult film award,
which is not to say this rough-hewn
heartthrob doesn't have a softer side.
He recently published a book of poetry,
Let Me Put My Poems in You.
Before a big competition,
I like to work with leather.
The Native Americans always said
that working with hides and pelts
releases the soul.
These are a couple of diaper bags
I made for Faith Hill.
LAMPLEY: Two men, only one winner.
Will it be Chazz Michael Michaels?
Personal philosophy: clothing optional.
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
Hope you brought your silver polish,
MacElroy, 'cause that was gold.
That was disgusting.
That, young man,
is how babies are made.
- Get out of my face.
- I'll get inside your face.
Mr. Michael Michaels,
please gather your coach,
family, and friends
and move to the bench
to await your scores.
Hey, traffic cop. Get this straight.
I don't have a coach. I don't need one.
And as for friends and family,
Chazz Michael Michaels walks alone.
That's why they call me the Lone Wolf,
on my back there.
WOMAN: 5.9, 5.9, 6.0...
That's what I'm talking about.
5.9, 6.0...
Another 6.0.
...5.8.
CHAZZ: Was it good for you,
Stockholm?
'Cause it was good for me.
Let's have a smoke.
Eat that, MacElroy.
Those were the same scores
I got, Einstein. We're tied.
You're high.
MAN: Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a tie.
From the United States,
Jimmy MacElroy
and Chazz Michael Michaels.
You're fired.
What? I brought you a gold medal.
No, you brought me half a gold medal.
If I wanted him to share,
I'd have bought him a brother.
LAMPLEY: It's raining men in the
men's singles. Men wearing gold, that is.
And they join Team USA's
other gold medalists,
the pairs team of
Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg.
Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg,
America's brother and sister darlings,
the gold standard
of pairs figure skating.
Children of
beloved Swiss skiing gold medalists,
Otto and Ella Van Waldenberg,
the twin dynamos Stranz and Fairchild
burst out of the womb and onto the ice
while their sister, Katie,
cheered from the sidelines.
Theirs seemed to be a charmed life
until March 14th, 1987
when their parents died tragically
in a car crash.
Katie would survive.
The world wondered, had Stranz
and Fairchild gone into a layback spin
from which they could never recover?
But the siblings' commitment was such
that they were back in the training rink
within hours of the funeral.
So tonight, the crowd cheers on
their beloved Van Waldenbergs.
SCOTT: Well, Stranz and Fairchild,
how heavy is that gold
around your necks?
Scott, this may be solid gold
but to us it's lighter than air
because dreams never weigh you down.
No. Dreams are in your sleep.
What about the amazing
Michaels and MacElroy?
Two gold medals?
Yeah. That's great.
SCOTT: Well, speaking of gold medals,
the winners of the men's singles
are taking their place
at the podium right now.
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
SCOTT: This has to be a proud moment
for Michaels and MacElroy.
You have to think, the only thing
sweeter than winning a gold medal
is sharing it
with your fellow countryman.
Gosh, I'm getting sick.
You smell like
aftershave and taco meat.
Yes, I do. Now scoot over.
Don't touch me. Nobody touches me.
- Just scoot over, man.
- Don't.
- Just scoot over.
- You scoot over.
LAMPLEY: Now there's some jostling
atop the podium
and down goes
Chazz Michael Michaels.
MacElroy still waving to the crowd.
Look, MacElroy's also down now.
SCOTT: I have never in all my years
seen anything
this disgraceful on the world stage.
I am stunned silent,
absolutely silent, Jim.
You get that damned bird out of my face
before I break its neck.
LAMPLEY: A perfect head butt!
Down goes MacElroy!
SCOTT: And Spaetzle's aflame!
Spaetzle! Oh, my God!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(GIRL CRYING)
MAN ON TV: As we prepare to hear
testimony, Michaels and MacElroy
will be given a chance
to defend their actions at Stockholm...
We love you, Jimmy.
Hey. Nancy Kerrigan.
You an official here?
'Cause you have officially given me
a boner.
I'm a sex addict. It's my cross to bear.
It's a real disease with doctors
and medicine and everything.
(GAVEL POUNDING)
EBBERS: Let's get started, shall we?
If either one of you would like
to make a statement
before the commission
passes judgment,
you may do so at this time.
Fans, friends, esteemed members
of the committee,
I don't know what I can say,
but I pray you can all forgive me.
More than that,
I pray the children can forgive me.
Oh, my God.
- I place my future in their tiny hands.
- That is retarded.
God bless you. God bless everyone.
Thank you.
God bless you, Jimmy.
God bless your heart.
Maxim.
Last issue.
"Chazz Michael Michaels
is figure skating."
Boom!
(WOMAN CHEERING)
All right, duly noted.
In accordance with the rules of
the International Skating Federation,
James MacElroy
and Charles Michael Michaels,
you are to be stripped of your medals...
What?
...and banned from men's figure skating
for the remainder of your lives!
Hey, you listen to me, old man!
(PEOPLE CLAMORING)
Oh, that sucks.
Look what you did to my ex-wife!
I'm gonna pop you
in the back of the head.
Banned for life. That's a long time.
Jimmy, it'll all work out.
It's time for a fresh start.
- Yeah, a fresh start. Exactly.
- Good. Jimmy,
- I'm un-adopting you.
- What?
I don't think un-adopting
is the right word.
Legally, I'm disowning you.
But it amounts to the same thing, so...
But I've been your son for 26 years.
Twenty-two, so nobody can say
I didn't try. We've had a good run.
Now, I think it would be best for all of us
if we didn't drag this out. Clean break.
It would make it easier for me, Jimmy,
if you left now.
Wait!
It's like a Band-Aid. Just rip it off.
We'll both feel better.
MAN ON PA: Hey, everybody,
get your tickets for the second show.
Second show tickets now available.
(SINGING) Tra-la-la-la, tra-la-la-la
We sing a grublet song
We love to roam our woodsy home
Of greenery and scenery and song
Tra-la-la-la, tra-la-la-la
A grublet sings along
Oh, God.
(GLASS SHATTERING)
I hate you.
(SIGHS)
I hate my life.
Oh, no! It's the evil wizard!
CHILDREN: Boo!
(LAUGHING)
(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)
(LAUGHING)
(HOT BLOODED PLAYING)
I mean, I had it with skating
for the judges, you know?
Just like, I don't need that.
I mean, for me, it's so much
more satisfying to see the...
The eyes of a small child,
seeing that wonder as they...
They see you skate out there
with a big wizard head on, you know?
Nice. Really nice.
Hey, Sammy, it's not what it looks like.
Sam. Sammy, come on, baby.
You knew this was how I rolled
when you met me.
No. When I met you,
you were a great figure skater.
Now you're getting stoned
with the Woodland Fairies.
I don't even know
who you are any more.
You're living in the past, Sammy.
Come on,
me and the Woodland Fairies,
we're living in the here and now.
And we're feeling so free.
Come on, join us.
(WHOOPING)
Baby. Come on, babe.
Hey, Michaels, let's go. Lace up.
The fog machines are primed.
Second show's
almost three-quarters full.
- You drunk?
- No.
But this ought to do it.
I would fire you
if you weren't so goddamn beautiful
out there.
- You smell like urine.
- A lot?
Get your head on.
They don't feel right.
That's because I'm not finished.
You see, it helps to think of the laces
as belonging to three distinct groups.
First, the foundation.
(GROANING)
They're too tight.
Daddy! He's crushing me.
Doing it right takes a little bit longer,
but it's worth it.
Hey, what are you doing?
She said it's too tight.
Well, but she's wrong.
I mean, who are you gonna trust,
a little girl or Jimmy MacElroy?
- Who the hell is Jimmy MacElroy?
- Is there a problem here, sir?
Yeah, this kid is torturing
my daughter's foot.
I'm so sorry, sir.
You know what, Jimmy? Off the skates,
you're on stockroom duty, now. Let's go.
Hey, Jimmy.
Hector?
What are you doing here?
You know
I have a restraining order against you.
Oh, that thing?
You look great, Jimmy.
You look amazing. Your hair rocks.
Thanks.
You look so good. Oh, my gosh.
Do you look at yourself?
I totally wanna cut off your skin and
wear it to my birthday. It's coming up.
Yeah, listen, it's great to see you,
Hector, but I'm really busy right now.
Okay, all right, I'm sorry.
I'll cut to the chase.
- You gotta start skating again, Jimmy.
- What?
It's embarrassing stalking a has-been,
you know what I mean?
Look, I almost gave up on you.
I started working
with that Ukrainian skater,
you know the one that looks like Elvis?
And I moved to the Ukraine
and it was cold and everyone had guns
and smelled like soup.
I sympathize with you, Hector.
I really do, but there's nothing I can do.
I'm banned for life.
Don't be so sure.
Section 14, paragraph G,
"A lifetime ban is irrevocable
and the banned skater can never again
"compete in any
Federation-sanctioned tournament
"that exists in such a skater's division."
You see? You're only banned
from your division, men's singles!
You can still compete in pairs skating.
Pairs.
How is this possible?
I had so many lawyers work on
so many appeals.
Because nobody can obsess like I can.
Good luck, Jimmy.
And I'm still gonna kill you someday.
Oh, no! It's the evil wizard!
(CHILDREN BOOING)
(LAUGHING)
Hey, little forest creatures.
None of you sons-of-bitches
try to be heroes. You hear me?
(BOTTLE CLINKING)
GARY: (WHISPERING)
Hey, Chazz. Come on.
It's Gary. What are you doing?
Hey, everyone!
This is Gary, the squirrel.
Now listen up.
Gary's been a long-time friend.
We've been skating
for two and a half years.
I remember when we were hanging out
at the bus stop in Tucson,
and Gary said, "I've got a third ball."
(VOMITING)
Damn it. I just threw up in here, people.
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)
That's the reality.
Another layer to the legend.
I am nothing but a human onion.
In fact, we all are. Oh, encore.
(VOMITING)
Ladies and gentlemen, Grublets on Ice
will be cancelled until further notice.
No refunds will be given.
(BOOING)
Bring it on! Let it rain down on me.
There's a loophole. I was banned
from men's singles but not pairs.
I can skate
in the Wintersport Games again.
I knew it. I knew after three years,
you just weren't checking in.
I mean, come on, I moved on, Jimmy.
You gotta move on, too.
But I'm a skater.
There's nothing to move on to,
except for winning the gold again
and keeping it this time.
You know how hard it is
to find a partner?
Even if you did,
you gotta qualify for Nationals.
That's a month away.
I mean, sign-up is in two days.
It can't be that hard. I mean...
Figure skating. Give it up, Jimmy.
It's like a cruel bitch mother.
She'll seduce you
with chocolates and roses
and then kick you to the side of the road
like a dead raccoon.
Forget it. I gotta go.
It's good to see you.
Wait, Coach!
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Jimmy MacElroy?
Another great walking through the halls
of the Grublets.
Welcome to my little production.
If you're here to thank me for firing
Chazz Michaels, it was my pleasure.
Chazz was here?
Yeah, unfortunately,
but it's fantastic that you're here.
And yes, no need to ask,
I'll consider you for a position.
I'm not looking for a job.
I'm actually looking for a female skater
to compete with me at Nationals.
- Are you trying to skater poach?
- No.
You trying to break up my family?
Why don't you get out of here
before I throw down?
Hey, where you going?
Michaels.
MacElroy.
I see you got fat.
I see you still look
like a 15-year-old girl but not hot.
You crushed my dreams.
Dreams? Shit.
I haven't had one of those in years.
Zip it, Chazz. Zip it or I will punch you
in your crap lousy face.
This ends tonight.
It's daytime, you douche.
- Now it's on!
- You're so fat!
Local figure skating fans got more than
they bargained for today
when a children's ice show
was interrupted by a street fight
between two former champions.
Jimmy MacElroy
and Chazz Michael Michaels,
once at the top of the skating world,
picked up today where they left off
more than three years...
(REWINDING)
Fans remember Michaels and MacElroy
as gold medalists who,
in a bizarre turn of events,
became banned from competition
for life.
I had a chance to sit down
with Michaels
and let's just say, he's a complex man.
I'm a sex addict
and I'm attracted to women.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Two men skating together?
That's a riot. That's a laugh riot.
- I don't see what's so funny.
- If you were as drunk as me, you would.
Look, Coach, I know I said
I wanted to skate pairs, but two men?
Even if we wanted to,
they'd never allow it.
But there's nothing in the rule book
that says you can't.
That's not my style.
Chazz Michael Michaels goes it alone.
Okay?
That means no coach and no partner.
Especially not a dude.
Especially not the precious
and pampered Richie Rich.
Would you just shut up? You don't know
what you're talking about.
I know more than you think I know.
Hell, I know more than you know
you know.
No, you don't. You could never keep up
with my flawless technique.
That's why I floored you in '02
and the spring of '99.
Technique doesn't get you 18 medals
and a Kristi Yamaguchi
Lifetime Achievement Award.
- I am figure skating.
- Stop it!
For three years I've been trying to get
over the nightmare you two created.
I wasn't sure I'd ever forget it.
Now maybe underneath all your bullshit,
we can still find something beautiful.
I don't know, Coach.
I mean, I'm really desperate
to win that gold, but...
But what?
How's the partner search coming, kid?
What's so funny, Cool Whip?
You getting a lot of satisfaction
from those $15 hookers?
I am never satisfied. It's a curse.
The registration for the National Finals
closes in exactly 12 hours.
Now let me ask you boys a question.
Do you wanna make history?
No way.
This guy could not hold my jock sweat.
I could hold it all day long. Try me.
- Maybe I will.
- Maybe you should.
You challenging me, Princess?
I'm not inviting you to the Skating
Federation's Annual Christmas Party.
- Then bring it on!
- It is on!
COACH: Good.
We're in agreement then.
- What?
- What?
Welcome back to competitive skating,
gentlemen.
I'll pick you up in the morning.
Little help.
Here we go. Show time.
Stranz. Fairchild. Melissa Kelly, ESPN2.
So, let me ask you,
any thoughts on the competition?
And what does a new gold medal
mean for you?
It doesn't mean as much
as winning America's hearts.
That's very important to us.
Now we haven't seen you
in about three and a half years.
What have you been up to?
Skating.
MELISSA: Now apparently
you're dedicating this performance
to the children of the world.
Sorry.
- COACH: Chazz, fill this out.
- No.
Yes.
I'll get yours, Jimmy.
Who is that girl?
You mean Katie Van Waldenberg?
She's Stranz and Fairchild's sister?
Fairchild's legs and Stranz's ass.
Mind bottling, isn't it?
- Did you just say "mind bottling?"
- Yeah, mind bottling.
You know, when things are so crazy,
it gets your thoughts all trapped,
like in a bottle.
All right, boys.
Let's go do this. Loud and proud.
What are you two doing here?
You know damn well I'm not letting
either of you sign up. They're banned.
I'm not here to sign up
Michaels or MacElroy.
I'm here to sign up the pairs team
of Michaels and MacElroy.
Thank you.
COACH: Now there's
your front page headline.
MELISSA: Jimmy, can you
wave to the fans?
So Jimmy and Chazz together
and no fighting, huh?
Two men skating together
and in our division, no less.
Why, Stranz?
Why is God singling us out
for the greatest suffering
the world has ever known?
I don't know, sis. Those two are nothing
but a couple of freaks.
Yeah, and the media loves freaks.
Makes my blood boil.
And all they're doing is just leeching
the dignity out of our beloved sport.
You know, I'm not a violent person,
but I would like to hold them down
and skate over their throats.
Guys, maybe,
maybe if you concentrate on the skating
people will forget all the hype
and they'll focus
on the purity of the sport
and the spirit of honest competition.
You guys just want to cheat again,
don't you?
- That's a good idea.
- Much better.
Katie, please,
will you just take this camcorder, okay?
I don't know how to turn it on.
Thank you.
No, I'm not spying for you again.
We're just asking you
to discreetly tape their practice routines.
Find someone else.
- What's that, Mother?
- Don't.
You and Father are sad
that you were killed
driving Katie to her ice skating lesson
all those years ago?
Yeah. Me, too.
Remember how they used to be alive?
Papa?
I can't hear you, Papa.
What are you... You're crying?
Still? In heaven? You're still dead?
- Fine, I'll do it.
- Yes.
Now you're playing
for team Van Waldenberg.
All right.
You'll be staying here for the duration.
You're gonna skate as a pair.
You'll live as a pair.
And if you're at all interested
in self-preservation,
you take off your shoes
before you set foot on the Berber.
Why would we step in baby food?
- He's talking about the carpet. Berber?
- What are you? The Rug Doctor?
- Maybe I am.
- I'm the rug master.
- What does that even mean?
- Shut up and take off your damn shoes.
CHAZZ: Bunk beds?
JIMMY: I don't share rooms.
I don't share shit.
The night is a very dark time for me.
It's dark for everyone, moron.
Not for Alaskans or dudes
with night vision goggles.
All right, this is gonna stop right now.
From here on out, you guys are a team.
Do you understand?
You are going to eat together,
sleep together.
You are going to pee together.
You're gonna file
a joint income tax return.
Practice starts now. End of discussion.
I just put those into order.
I need some counter space, too.
- Mane 'n' Tail. Is this horse shampoo?
- Yes, it is.
- Do you use this stuff on your hair?
- Uh-huh.
"For a lustrous coat."
Does this actually work?
You bet your ass it does.
It makes my hair shine like Orion's belt
out on the ice.
And then I brush my hair
(JIMMY EXCLAIMS)
Cool brush.
Not just a brush but a Verticoli.
Handmade in Italy.
They carve it out of illegal whalebone.
They only make 11 of them a year.
This one cost me $12,000
or 30 million lira.
Perfectly balanced, low drag,
minimal torque.
How minimal?
I bet you'd like to know.
Help yourself to the Mane 'n' Tail
all you want,
but don't even look at the Verticoli.
'Cause I will knock your block off.
No exaggeration,
I could not love a human baby
as much as I love this brush.
I call top.
- Sorry, I already called it in my head.
- You can't do that. That doesn't count.
Yes, it does. Get used to it, Jimmy.
You're in Chazz's world now.
CHAZZ: You know what?
I permanently called shotgun.
JIMMY: You do not get shotgun
every time.
What is this place? It smells like fish.
(EXCLAIMS) Sweet.
This ice has not been
properly Zambonied.
- And where's the warm-down room?
- We don't have any of that.
What we got is a cold storage unit
that a buddy of mine let me flood
with a garden hose.
Nice choice, Coach.
Turned out well.
The dance lift, the press lift,
the twist lift,
the side by side jump, the throw jump.
All of these are weapons
in the pairs skaters' arsenal.
And used properly,
they can slay your opponent.
Used improperly,
you can break every bone in your body.
All right, gentlemen, waltz position.
(SIGHS)
You know what, dude,
your hand has to be on top.
No way. The girl's goes on top.
Yeah. Ergo. Chick.
I'm not the girl. I'm stronger.
No, I'm stronger
and don't have a vagina.
You are not stronger.
Watch this, fat ass.
Fat ass?
It doesn't really matter,
it's waltz position.
One guy, you put your, just...
See that?
It's pure pec, bicep, and tricep.
Jimmy, get off your hands.
You're gonna need those later.
Now, come on.
All right.
Okay, you know what?
I can do something cool, too.
Chazz. Chazz.
You think you're so tough. Huh?
I'm not fat. I can do this.
- Chazz, put your skates back on.
- No, it's too late. They're off.
- Look, I'm like lightning.
- Put your skates back on.
What are you doing?
- Yeah. God, that burns.
- JIMMY: Oh, yeah?
Jimmy, you put your clothes on. Jimmy!
- Damn it!
- Watch my Icy Hot Super Slide.
- Do it.
- I will.
It's not gonna matter
'cause you're flat in front like Ken.
(SCREAMING)
You're the girl.
- What?
- You're my pretty lady, MacElroy.
- Wait. Why?
- Because you whine like one!
And no one can lift your fat ass.
You're on a diet, starting now.
- What are you talking about?
- Let's go! Come on!
CHAZZ: Is this about
my muscular, thick thighs?
Could one of you all pass me a biscuit?
You got another five miles,
then you get a LUNA bar.
Come on.
So, Coach, I was thinking
about the music for our routine.
- Really?
- We're gonna skate to one song,
one song only.
Lady Hump by the Black Eyed Peas.
(SINGING) What you gonna do
with all that junk
All that junk inside my trunk
I'm gonna get you, get you drunk
Get you drunk off my lady hump
My hump, my hump
My lovely lady hump
I'm not skating to anything
with references to lady humps.
I don't even know what that means.
No one knows what it means,
but it's provocative.
- No, it's not. It's gross.
- It gets the people going.
That's enough!
Why do you guys keep doing that?
(BEEPING)
You didn't see shit!
- Coach!
- COACH: Shut up!
Throw me some chicken!
Two men.
Together. You're really gonna go
through with this, huh?
Oh, yeah, of course. Why not?
I mean, I need your help.
What do you say?
Look, I'm just a choreographer.
What do I know?
Bring them
by the dance studio tomorrow.
- Great!
- I'm not a magician.
I ain't making no promises.
I'm just saying
that I'm'a do what I can do.
JESSE: Your problem
is your boundaries. That ends today.
Out on my dance floor you won't know
where one man's body ends
and another begins.
Because if you can't dance with a man,
you damn sure can't skate with a man.
All right? So come on, let's go.
Jimmy.
Yeah.
That's what I thought.
That a boy, Jimmy. Come on.
Okay. Break it down.
Show me what you got.
Okay. That's a start. That is a start.
You're tensing your face.
If you tense your face,
you're gonna make it harder
for yourselves.
Just enable...
(GROANING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Rewind it.
I wanna see his head bang down again.
(FAIRCHILD EXCLAIMING)
No. No, no.
You act right or you leave my studio.
Beautiful butterfly into a prayer.
Nice into...
Let them get it out. Let them get it out.
Chazz, release to Jimmy.
Easy, see? Release...
(GROANS)
- Yes.
- No. No.
COACH: You nailed it!
Yes, I did. See that? Pure power.
You could use a nickel's worth, junior.
Maybe if you released me
at that quarter-turn,
I wouldn't have to save your ass
with my landing.
It's called improvisation.
Even your precious Kenny G does it.
Well, at least they're getting
the moves down.
Yeah, but can they do it in front of
five judges and 30 million people?
(CHAZZ AND JIMMY ARGUING)
LAMPLEY: Denver, Colorado,
last stop on the road
to the World Wintersport Games
in Montreal.
The finest skaters from all over
the country have trained tirelessly,
for years for their chance
to make it onto the world stage.
But all those stories
have been eclipsed now
by what many dub
the Sideshow of the Century.
The male-male pair of Jimmy MacElroy
and Chazz Michael Michaels.
The anxiety was palpable
when they arrived this morning
as the skating community
continued to voice its outrage.
Those two are turning this sport
into a freak show.
As if figure skating
wasn't gay enough already.
Let me show you something.
Does that look right to you?
Nothing in here about two men skating.
That blonde chick's a dude? Oh, man.
LAMPLEY: Now let's join Stranz
and Fairchild Van Waldenberg
as they wind up their routine,
an edgy look at urban culture
told in the language of the streets.
(MARKY MARK SINGING
GOOD VIBRATIONS)
SCOTT: And boy, look at them!
They are really having fun with this.
LAMPLEY: The bling is king. This pair
is willing the crowd into a frenzy.
Come on! Come on!
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
SCOTT: Wow! Flawless, as always.
LAMPLEY: These two blue-eyed funk
machines are going to find themselves
popping and locking their way
to the championship in Montreal.
SCOTT: And those
good vibrations seem
to have spread all the way
through this arena.
What, what!
You guys are up.
SCOTT: And now the moment
this crowd has been waiting for.
And how is this going to work?
Completely different skaters,
known to be enemies of one another,
combining to be the first male-male
pair team in the history of the sport.
LAMPLEY: Either the locked-in
technical style of MacElroy
will not mesh
with Michaels' improvisations
or they create great music together
and reinvent the sport
in their own image.
(PERSON WHISTLING)
(MEN LAUGHING)
They're laughing at us.
They laughed at Louis Armstrong when
he said he was gonna go to the moon.
Now he's up there laughing at them.
(I DON'T WANT TO MISS A THING
PLAYING)
SCOTT: Well, they titled this routine
"Fire and Ice."
They've always been that way
as competitors, as individuals
and now as a pair team?
So appropriate.
LAMPLEY: So far, so good.
SCOTT: Their first move's so difficult.
Throw triple Axel.
LAMPLEY: First throw.
Man down.
SCOTT: What an unbelievably
disastrous beginning to this routine!
I've never fallen once in competition.
Come on. Take my hand.
We can do this.
LAMPLEY: And they're up.
CHAZZ: Come on, Denver,
get off your asses!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Let's go!
SCOTT: And the crowd responds.
It's the first time they've shown them
any level of support.
Side by side double Axels!
Beautifully delivered!
(AUDIENCE WHOOPING)
And again, a male-male pair team.
They're doing things
that no other pair would dare to do.
Incredible!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
So many moves in this programme
I've never heard of before.
Yes!
Unbelievable finish
to an incredible routine!
And they've won this crowd over!
Yes!
This might be enough
to send them to Montreal
as the first male-male representatives
this sport has ever seen.
History in the making.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
(EXPLOSIONS)
Yeah!
(WHOOPS)
We love you, Denver!
City by the bay! John Denver!
- Was the fire really necessary?
- Ask them.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
- That's what I'm talking about!
- I'm so proud of you. Good job.
What up, homes?
You guys were great out there.
Thanks. I'm Jimmy.
I know. Katie.
I know.
I like your buttons.
CHAZZ: Jimmy, come on.
The scores are up.
- Good luck.
- You, too.
Did you see that?
They were actually pretty good.
Yeah, they were really good. Way to go.
None of what they did
was on your video.
That's all right.
Let's not let them get into our heads.
Into our head?
Not only did we embarrass Marky Mark,
we let down the Funky Bunch.
MAN: ...5.9, 5.9, 5.8, 6.0!
- Yes! Yes!
- Oh, my gosh!
We're going to Montreal, bitch!
(EXCLAIMS)
Well, it's all smiles
here in the Crest kiss and cry area.
You're the guys everybody's
talking about. How does it feel?
You know, we're just so grateful
for this wonderful opportunity
to be out here on the ice again...
Michaels and MacElroy are a freight
train from hell, okay?
We're going straight up
the ass of the competition, Scott.
(WHOOPING)
I'm not gonna say wow, but wow!
They got by on 97 percent adrenaline
and three percent bullshit.
If they wanna take home the gold,
they gotta do something spectacular.
Robert, I know where this is going.
How many times
do you have to make the same mistake?
Till I get it right.
You gotta trust me, Jesse.
I'm not gonna spend the rest of my life
in a cage of fear.
Top of the morning. And it is a beaut.
Do you mind? I'm trying to eat here.
Just thought you'd like to see
what a skater's body really looks like.
Go ahead, drink it in. Don't be shy.
Looking's for free.
Touching's gonna cost you something.
Checking out my ink?
Some people refer to me
as the Illustrated Man.
Each tattoo tells a different tale.
They're like chapters of my life.
Really? So, what's that one about?
That one represents the dragon lady.
You might know her as Michelle Kwan.
That's Michelle Kwan, most decorated
figure skater in US history?
- You tapped that?
- Sure did.
But perfection can drive a woman mad.
She was ready to quit,
hang up her skates
settle down and pop out
a few little Chazzlings.
I couldn't let her do it, not the way I roll.
So, what's that one with the horse?
My blonde Ukrainian she-devil.
Not Oksana Baiul?
At 16, she won the gold, turned pro,
and was named one of Barbara Walters'
most fascinating persons of 1994.
Yeah. But don't let her fool you.
She's as cold as the ice she skates on.
She's like dry ice.
Wait. She's colder than that.
- What's colder than dry ice?
- I don't know.
I'll tell you what is. Oksana.
What about that one on your shoulder?
Who's that?
That one? It's nothing.
What about you? You got any tats?
I had my face painted
at the Blueberry Festival one year.
Seems about right.
Well, I could have one.
I could have a killer one.
I have a crush on the enemy,
Katie Van Waldenberg.
Good choice, my man.
Yeah. How's that for forbidden love?
I have no idea, but I'd like to find out.
- Wait. What are you doing?
- I'm calling her. Or rather, you are.
- I can't do that. It's crazy.
- It's not crazy.
What am I supposed to say?
- No, you can't. I can't.
- It's ringing. Go.
(RINGING)
- Sorry.
- Maybe it's Nike.
Van Waldenberg Companies.
Talk. Relax.
Hi. It's Jimmy MacElroy. Is Katie there?
It's MacElroy, for her.
What? For me? Why?
- I can't do it.
- I'll coach you. Get on the phone.
Stranz?
KATIE: Hello?
Okay. "Yo. It's the Mac attack.
What up?"
Yo. Hi. It's the Mac attack. What up?
Okay. Say, "Oh, my, you're just
catching me getting out of the shower."
- Sell yourself.
- Will you be quiet?
You know, you just caught me
getting out of the shower.
- She just got out of the shower.
- Oh, me likey.
- I have to call her back. This is so rude.
- No! Are you insane?
- She's gonna hear you.
- Get back on the phone. Say, "Shower?
"I gotta get me one of those
'cause I just got back from the gym
"doing my squat thrusts."
I gotta...
Yeah, shower. I need one of those
'cause I just got back from the gym
doing my squat thrusts.
"Squat thrusts must be hard, real hard."
Squat thrusts are hard.
- "Real hard."
- Real hard.
"They're hard, all right. But it's worth it
to get a sweet burn deep in your thigh."
It's worth it to get a deep burn
in my sweet thighs.
"You know
how you can soothe a nasty burn?
"Pour some sweet cream on it."
Do you know
what you can do for a burn?
Pour sweet cream on it.
Oh, my God, you've bagged a wild lynx.
Okay, say, "Sounds to me like
your cream needs to be whipped",
and then go...
I was wondering if you wanted
to get a snow cone sometime?
What?
Yeah. I would like to get a snow cone.
I haven't had a snow cone
in a couple of years, actually.
No, you have to be sexy.
Say you want a snow boner.
Snow boner.
It will
"get me time to get my jugs waxed."
Okay. Well, I'll see you.
What happened? What's the word?
Oh, my God!
Nice lift.
All right, listen up. You guys barely
squeaked by at Nationals.
How are we gonna compete
against teams
that have been doing this for years?
There's only one way.
Okay. What do you guys have
that none of the other teams have?
- Twin dongs?
- Exactly.
We have to do something
that only two men can do together.
Something never seen before.
Jesse, put in the tape.
Come on. Put in the tape, Jesse.
Thank you.
Jimmy, I never told you this before,
but I used to coach pairs.
I was on track
to head up the Olympic squad.
I wanted it badly,
so I developed a move.
A move the likes of which the world
had never seen before.
A move so revolutionary, so dangerous
that it would have catapulted the team
that stuck it straight to the top.
And like many revolutionary ideas,
it just scared the shit
out of the establishment.
So I quit.
And I took it to the one place on earth
batshit crazy enough to give it a try.
North Korea.
Of course.
Behind the Bamboo Curtain, they call it
"The Iron Lotus."
(MAN SPEAKING IN KOREAN)
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
COACH: Look at the grace, the beauty.
They almost have it, until...
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
Oh, my gosh.
(MAN CHATTERING IN KOREAN)
Okay.
What do you say, let's give it a try?
- Are you nuts?
- What? That's crazy.
Come on, what are you talking about?
See, after all these years,
I know what went wrong.
The physics were off.
It was a man and a woman,
that's why it didn't work.
You're two men. You should be fine.
Be warned.
The Iron Lotus demands your respect.
She has no time for lone wolves, Chazz.
Jimmy, you've gotta be willing
to improvise.
You two are the last pieces
of the puzzle.
Go on! Fit them together!
(SHUDDERING)
COACH: Keep your speed up.
Keep it up!
Jimmy! Don't let your legs buckle!
Come on, Chazz, focus! Focus!
(GROANS)
My nut-sack!
You gotta be careful, man.
Unlike you, I actually use these things.
Oh, yeah? Well...
Well, well, yeah, you're right.
I'll try to be more careful next time.
Sorry.
Look, I didn't mean to drag your balls
into the discussion.
That was uncalled for.
They're fine, I overreacted.
All right, gentlemen,
let's get up and try it again.
(COACH CLAPS)
Let's do this.
JIMMY: This was my favorite place
growing up.
By the way, you look really nice.
Oh, really?
I like your glitter-tooth necklace thing.
Oh, thanks.
Foy, can I have another blue one?
You guys were so good at Nationals,
it scared my brother and sister.
- They wanted me to spy on you.
- Really?
Is that why you're going out
with me right now?
No!
Really.
I don't care if they win.
I don't care about skating at all.
I mean, really,
what's so great about skating, anyway?
It's basically just gliding,
trying not to fall,
with a couple of jumps thrown in, right?
And Spandex and glitter. Egos.
Ice blows.
Sorry.
But it's not the ice.
It's what the ice lets you do.
Out there, I feel like I can do anything.
It's the only place
where life makes sense.
You've never skated?
When I was a kid, a little.
But my brother and sister
don't like anyone to steal their focus.
My life was nothing but focus.
You know what I got
for my tenth birthday?
A six-pack of protein shakes
and a subscription to Men's Health.
I didn't have a tenth birthday.
My sister told all my friends
I was in jail for armed robbery.
When I was nine, my dad insisted
on having me circumcised
to minimize wind resistance.
While driving me to skating practice,
my parents were in a fatal accident.
My brother and sister
blame me for their death
and they force me to work for them
like a slave.
Wow.
I never really thought of that
as a romantic story before.
So, how'd it go with your lady?
Carve up any ice with your wiener?
All right, ladies, tea party's over.
We got two days till Montreal.
I wanna see an Iron Lotus.
(SIGHS)
COACH: Okay, try it again.
You're gonna kill him! Watch the blade!
Come on!
(PUFFING)
Try it again!
One more. I'm really close.
LAMPLEY: Hello,
and welcome, everyone,
to the Orbitz World Wintersport Games
here in beautiful Montreal, Canada.
The world turns its eyes
now to this frozen sanctuary
as the globe's finest athletes
arrive to compete
and to revel in the glory that is sport.
And so, now we are honored
to bring you the wonder, pageantry,
and spectacle of these,
the 20th World Wintersport Games.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Didn't you once say, and I quote,
"Jimmy MacElroy
is a lifeless robot on the ice"?
- He would never say such a...
- Yes, I did.
But I was referring
to the precision and beauty of robots.
If they'd published
the rest of the quote...
They did publish the rest of your quote.
You go on to say,
"I've had lint at the top of my ass crack
"with more personality
than that Daddy's boy." End quote.
All right,
Mr. Smart Reporter, showing off.
You figured out how to work
the Google on the Internet machine.
Well, here's a new quote for you,
all right?
Chazz Michaels and Jimmy MacElroy
are figure skating. Boom!
Boom!
Jimmy! Has pairs skating
helped your popularity?
Absolutely.
I have the best fans in the world.
I mean,
we have the best fans in the world.
(SPEAKING IN JAPANESE)
No, that's in the other room.
(SPEAKING IN JAPANESE)
(ALL CHATTERING)
Boom.
CHAZZ: Nice.
Great! Press loves them,
and now so do the sponsors.
Stranz!
So, Katie, it looks like your date
went really well the other night, huh?
What? I guess so. Why?
No reason. I was just wondering
how it went. Did it go well?
- Yeah, we had snow cones...
- Oh, that's so great.
We want you to turn your attention
to Chazz now.
What?
MacElroy's heart is like
a beautiful apple that's in your hand
and now you need to bite it.
- Nothing breaks up a team faster than...
- Herpes.
Jealousy.
No. I'm not gonna make
Chazz Michael Michaels
fall in love with me.
Who's talking about love?
We just want you to have sex with him.
What? No!
I am not gonna have sex with Chazz.
Come on, Katie.
Do the honorable thing here.
The honorable thing is to walk away
and that is exactly what I'm doing.
Okay. Stranz, let her go. It's okay.
She's made up her mind.
We'll just move on to Plan B.
- What's Plan B?
- I'm sorry, don't worry about that.
You stood your ground. Good for you.
We respect that.
But if something should happen
to your new boyfriend's leg,
I don't know, under his knee,
or above his ankle?
At least you did the honorable thing.
- Where're you going?
- Sex addicts meeting.
- "Turn weakness into strength."
- Good for you.
Thanks, brother man.
Have a good night.
See ya!
(SQUEAKING)
This must be for you.
TAYLOR: So glad you're all here.
Okay, let's get started.
Chazz, would you like
to start the day off by sharing?
I was just trying to find some peace.
A haven,
a place where I could feel safe.
And then what happened?
Well, she was my yoga instructor.
So I knew she was limber.
But, Chazz, you realize this would just
set you back
and further hurt your progress
in maintaining control over your libido,
correct?
Yes. Thank you, Taylor.
Definitely.
Until her friend, a massage therapist,
walked in the door naked.
Easy, Chazz.
With a big bottle of canola oil
and a monkey who was trained
to work on a video camera.
And she rocked my world.
Guys!
Chazz, I have asked you to leave before
and I don't wanna do it again.
Taylor, come on, man.
Let's just move on.
Who'd like to talk about Chlamydia?
Syphilis, gonorrhea, et cetera.
Should we...
Hi. I'm sorry I'm late. I was
having sex. A lot.
Welcome. Welcome.
Why don't you go ahead
and introduce yourself?
I know her.
I'm Katie.
And?
Oh, and I'm a sex addict.
Hi, Katie.
Hey, Katie.
Wow, so, you're a sex addict, too.
Sex, sex, sex. What can I say?
Right. Right. I mean, you said it all.
It's such a burden.
I mean, people don't realize what
we go through on a day-to-day basis.
Why don't you come to my room tonight
and we can comfort each other?
Come on, people, break it up!
God grant me the serenity not
to have sex with my friend's girlfriend
the courage to go home tonight without
having sex with my friend's girlfriend
and the wisdom
to know that masturbation
is sometimes
the most sensible solution.
Yeah. Okay.
(LET'S GET IT ON
PLAYING ON STEREO)
Oh, sweet Jesus.
You're right on time. Come in.
Would you like some champagne?
No, I can't, I...
Actually I just came by 'cause
I had something I had to say to you.
What?
Do you have a bathrobe or a parka
you could...
Sorry. I'm hot.
Wouldn't you feel more comfortable
saying what you need to say
from the bed?
Probably not.
It's a Posturepedic.
Well, then, in that case,
it's good for my back,
so might as well try it.
Okay, here it goes.
I know that sex,
I know that sex addiction is a disease.
Oh, God, they feel so good.
Oh, God, this is so wrong.
Jimmy's my friend.
I'm not gonna do this.
Wait. Do you really mean that?
Yes, I think so. No.
Yes, I do. I do.
I can't go through with this.
Thank God.
- Oh, God, what a relief.
- Yeah.
He's got a heart of gold.
(EXCLAIMS)
(STUTTERING) You sex demon!
You, you sex fiend!
No, you got it all wrong.
Impure! Impure!
- Jimmy, wait!
- Hey, wait! Brother man!
- Nothing happened!
- Jimmy!
Wait! Jimmy!
- Get away!
- Jimmy! No!
Damn it.
Come on, pick up. Come on, buddy.
ANSWERING MACHINE:
Hey, it's Jimmy.
If you can dream it, you can do it.
Jimmy, it's me, Chazz.
Look, what happened back there,
so not a big deal.
Just think of it as like a boob handshake
between me and your lady's...
Look, that's not coming out right.
I'll explain it. Call me back, please.
It's me, Chazz.
CHAZZ: I'm committed to this thing
called friendship.
And I ain't going nowhere.
And if you think I'm going anywhere,
you're wrong. You know why?
Because I will not back down, ever!
I've won a lot of radio contests,
because I refused to get off the line!
(BEEPING)
If we went to a Halloween party dressed
as Batman and Robin, I'd go as Robin.
That's how much you mean to me.
That was stupid that I said that.
You know what? No.
I don't think that's stupid.
I'm glad that I said that.
(BEEPING)
Hey, turd-face, guess what?
I've taken every single one
of your teddy bears,
and I've stuffed them down my pants.
(BEEPING)
Hey, yikes. Sorry.
(BEEPING)
For about a month,
my urine smelled like marshmallows.
(BEEPING)
(SINGING) Don't wanna close my eyes
Don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I miss you Jimmy
And I don't wanna miss a thing
So call me back now!
(PHONE RINGING)
ANSWERING MACHINE: It's Jimmy.
If you can dream it, you can do it.
Hey, it's me again. Jimmy, please,
call me back, so I can explain.
Hey!
Wow! Nice work.
Somebody got busy in a big way.
Scene of the crime.
For your information,
I didn't have sex with Chazz.
Fine. "Make love." Whatever.
I didn't sleep with Chazz.
- What?
- But congratulations!
- I feel as slimy as if I had.
- Where do you think you're going?
To make this right!
Jimmy needs to know the truth!
You would do that to your own family?
Don't give me that guilt trip.
After all we've done for you?
After all you did to Mom and Dad?
Mom and Dad
were not wearing their seatbelts
and they made
an improper left-hand turn.
Come on, Katie, don't go.
We love you and stuff.
Look, it's up to us, okay?
We are forced to take Michaels and
MacElroy out of play, no matter what.
That might require some bad behavior.
LAMPLEY: Hello,
and welcome to day three
of the Orbitz World Wintersport Games.
The best Chinese and Russian pairs
have fallen away,
setting up
the ultimate gold medal showdown.
Just two pairs remain. Both American.
Both hell-bent on reaching the top.
SCOTT: And it's come down to this.
Tonight, they leave it all on the ice.
The big story here is
the men's pairs figure skating team
of Michaels and MacElroy.
These same-gendered sensations
have taken
center ice in the hearts of
millions of skating fans everywhere.
They've literally taken this sport
by storm.
(PHONE RINGING)
Jimmy.
Jimmy's here at the arena, you ass.
He's been staring at a pack of gum
for nine hours. What'd you do to him?
I'm on my way.
Taxi!
World Wintersport Games.
And yes, I am Chazz Michael Michaels.
- Hey, Stranz.
- Hi.
WOMAN: Skaters, please clear the ice
in preparation for the pairs competition.
(WOMAN SPEAKING IN FRENCH
ON PA)
Thank you so much.
Oh, my gosh. Can you...
Sorry, Chazz. Nothing personal.
Actually, it's quite the opposite.
See, your days of
stealing the spotlight are over.
(CHUCKLES)
(CHAZZ GRUNTING)
You crazy bastard!
Damn it.
(GROANING)
What are you doing?
You are evil. Pure evil!
Your whole family's evil! Your brother.
And most of all, your sister.
Don't even think about putting us
in the same league.
If she was half the woman I was,
she would have done her job
and slept with your partner
like I told her to.
- She didn't?
- No.
She couldn't, because of you.
I don't get it.
Gross. Get me out of here!
Somebody help me!
Whoever invented rope
was a real a-hole.
I'm late, sis.
My hair is just not cooperating.
Oh, crap.
Okay.
Who's gonna save you now, Chazz?
Is Little Lord MacElroy gonna come
and meet you down here?
Oh, great.
Hey, there!
What are you doing there?
No. Wait, wait. It's okay. No.
Stranger danger! Stranger danger!
No, please!
(GRUNTING)
Let's do it, Chazz!
All right, Stranz.
Time for a little Chazzle Dazzle.
(EXCLAIMS)
Beautiful.
I'm coming, Chazz.
(BOYS GRUNTING)
(HORN BLARING)
(MAN SCREAMING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(WOMAN SPEAKING IN FRENCH
ON PA)
Give me your hand.
- I won't hurt you.
- I'm coming for you, Chazz!
Damn it, Stranz.
Have you seen Jimmy?
I can't find him anywhere.
Oh, yeah. He was here a minute ago.
And if you find him, would you tell him
to get his ass down here?
I really appreciate this.
That man who's chasing us
is trying to kill me. So, thanks.
(WOMEN EXCLAIMING)
(GRUNTING)
Who are you supposed to be anyway?
Rod Serling?
JFK.
- It's gonna make sense.
- No, no, no. It'll be fine. Yeah.
That's lame.
Try to get through that!
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
Don't make me kill her.
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
Snowflake!
(GRUNTING)
(CRASHING)
(CHUCKLING)
ANNOUNCER: From the United States,
the pairs team of
Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg.
LAMPLEY: So, the favorites,
Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg
now taking the ice.
SCOTT: As Marilyn Monroe and JFK,
they'll be dramatizing
a forbidden romance, Jim.
JFK: I take pride in the words,
"Ich bin ein Berliner!"
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
(PANTING)
WOMAN: Calling for preparation on ice
of the United States team
of Michaels and MacElroy.
SCOTT: Well, that was
an interesting take on American history.
LAMPLEY: Indeed.
I think it's worth noting,
the fantastic attention to detail
this pair has demonstrated.
An absolutely seamless use of props
integrated into choreography,
that is both physically impressive
and artistically moving.
A rare ballet of ice and history.
And those scores keep Stranz
and Fairchild in first place,
but Michaels and MacElroy are up next.
Coach! Coach! Did I make it in time?
Where's Chazz?
Where the hell you been?
Your partner's not here in 30 seconds,
I have to disqualify you.
I know, I know.
We're finished. Done. That's it. It's over.
Damn it. Just like that.
Coach, he'll be here.
(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)
MAN: Skaters to the ice.
Twenty seconds to disqualification.
SCOTT: Jimmy MacElroy stands alone
at center ice.
And you have to wonder
what is going on.
LAMPLEY: Well, this is
Rice without Montana.
Ali without Frazier.
Han Solo without Chewbacca.
CHAZZ: Jimmy!
Hey, Jimmy! Jimmy!
Chazz!
Hey, I didn't sleep with Katie!
- I know!
- We didn't even get to second base.
Well, maybe I did.
What I felt in my pants
was weird and shameful.
Okay, we can discuss that later!
You kind of have to be down here
right now
or we're gonna be disqualified!
Katie is not a whore!
Okay, I get it! Just stop talking!
Okay! Okay!
- MAN: Skaters to the ice.
- Hold on!
Ten seconds to disqualification.
Wow.
(PEOPLE GROANING)
(WHOOPING)
Yeah!
LAMPLEY: Wow! A dramatic entrance
for Chazz Michael Michaels.
I'm okay!
I'm all right!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
I'm okay.
LAMPLEY: And there's another
unique Michaels skill.
Out of his clothes in a hurry
when he has to.
And women's skating champion
Sasha Cohen
catches Michaels' jock strap.
I love you, Chazz!
(SCREAMING)
- I made it.
- I knew you would.
Let's capture the dream.
Capture the... I love it.
Where'd you come up with that?
- I have no idea where I came up with it.
- Cool.
- Let's kick some ice.
- Okay.
LAMPLEY: Well, Scott, the boys seem to
be using a science fiction theme tonight.
Fitting, considering these two men
may very well be the future of the sport.
Well, I'll tell you something, Jim.
SCOTT: It's like these two men did
beam in from outer space,
to flip this sport inside out.
(FLASH GORDON THEME PLAYING)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
The lights are on and so is this crowd.
A Mr. Roboto to start the routine.
And they hit it beautifully!
LAMPLEY: Everything they do
is drenched in drama.
(BLADES CLASHING)
Side-by-side skate clashes.
SCOTT: And more sparks!
Look at the athleticism here!
No other pair in the world could do this!
LAMPLEY: Fireworks display
in Montreal.
SCOTT: Incredible.
What are you doing?
We're freestyling.
You're the steak, I'm the sizzle.
We didn't practice that.
Do it for Katie.
Burn up the ice with your red hot love.
SCOTT: Michaels and MacElroy
turn up the thermostat.
These guys put the "bone" in Zamboni.
It's over.
All the endorsements, everything gone.
Oh, my God, I can't get a real job.
It'll kill me.
God, I have to do everything
in this family.
(GROANS)
LAMPLEY: A serious stumble
in an otherwise perfect routine.
Perfection's what they need if
they want to beat Stranz and Fairchild.
- I think I broke my ankle.
- What?
I'm gonna put some weight on it to see.
(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
LAMPLEY: I don't know, Scott.
I'm not sure, interpretive dance moves
are gonna win these judges over.
- What the hell are they doing?
- Something's wrong.
I can't do the Lotus
with a shattered ankle.
I'm just a man, for God's sake.
We'll switch places.
I swear to God, if you cut my head off.
They're going for the Iron Lotus,
in reverse.
My God.
This is happening all over again.
LAMPLEY: They're picking up speed
for something spectacular.
SCOTT: Looks like
they might be trying something
I have never seen done.
It is the fabled Iron Lotus.
No! Don't do it! I was wrong!
It's suicide!
(AUDIENCE SCREAMING)
SCOTT: And they nail it!
Unbelievable performance!
This crowd is going wild!
They're on their feet!
LAMPLEY: I never thought I'd see it with
my own eyes, the fabled Iron Lotus!
A historic event here in Montreal.
Michaels and MacElroy
have brought the legend to life.
Scott, I seem to have wet my pants.
Chazz, Chazz. We did it!
- Did we win?
- I don't know.
I think I see the Virgin Mary.
No. That's not her.
(CHAZZ GROANING)
We got you, Mr. Michaels. Let's go.
CHAZZ: Oh, I don't wanna die.
NURSE: You'll be okay.
- I don't wanna die.
- Take a huff of that. Here we go.
I'm gonna have to cut your pants off.
Okay, but start up near the crotch.
That's a better access point.
You were incredible.
Really?
I thought my landing was all bad...
You've been practicing.
Chazz taught me some stuff.
Uh-oh.
Stranz Van Waldenberg.
You're under arrest for the desecration
of an international icon.
Snowflake.
- It was her idea. She broke his ankle!
- What?
You idiot!
I hate you.
Come on now. Let's get out of here.
CHAZZ: And that's why
I was a sex addict.
Because no one ever loved me.
But I learned something here today.
That ice doesn't belong here.
It belongs out there.
Out on the ice in an ice rink.
I never had a father, okay?
But I don't care!
Because now I've got a brother.
This is my brother!
And this is my brother's new girlfriend.
And she is not a whore.
I'm in a lot of pain.
I feel like I'm gonna barf.
Chazz, they got to get you to a hospital.
Come on.
No. And miss the smell of sweet gold?
Not on your life.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Thank you.
Jimmy, you did it!
The gold medal, baby! You did it!
I wanna wear the gold medal, naked.
Thank you.
I've got something I wanna show you.
I had it done last weekend.
That's you,
the wolf that runs with the Lone Wolf.
So that the Lone Wolf
never has to be alone again.
That's how much you mean to me, bro.
You were drunk when you got it,
weren't you?
Yes. Absolutely hammered.
- Welcome to the pack.
- Thanks.
Let's get outta here.
- Now?
- Yeah.
(BLADES OF GLORY PLAYING)
HECTOR: (SOFTLY) USA!
The gold medal has been won
by Jimmy and Chazz,
thanks to Hector's idea!
We did it, Hector!
Boom! We sure did.
Thank you, Hector. He did it for us.
Where is Hector?
Here I am, guys. We did it. High-fives.
Cool. Way to go, guys. Gold medal.
You guys are the best. Hey, Jimmy?
Yeah, Hector?
Can you give me a time-out here
with Chazz?
Yeah, sure. Are you crying?
No. I'm fine.
Okay. I'll go over here. Sandwich.
Hey. Chazz?
What is it? Boom.
I just wanna say
you guys are partners now.
I've been friends with him forever,
and you take good care of him.
I will. Boom.
He just, he loves food.
And he likes dreams and whispers
and his favorite movie is Short Circuit
and Fried Green Tomatoes.
And just watch over him. All right?
I will. Boom.
You have my word. High-five.
God bless you.
Sweet. Jimmy, you can come back.
What you guys were talking about?
Just stuff, you know.
Hey, guys, you're amazing.
I just wanna say keep dreaming
because there's a lot of dreams
to be had.
USA.
USA.
Ayam Brand Vista Studio Inc. 2007